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sowwidc · 1 year

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Something, something autobio

I am secretly a spy.

Well, not so secret anymore now that I’ve told you. But before we get through with the details, an introduction should be customary. I could go on and give you the most common autobiography there is out there, but I’m not here to waste your time. Although I am not saying that this would be the best, it is just something that required me to call upon the Gods of productivity to accomplish. Well, anyway, I am Clarence, most people just call me. . . . Clarence. Well, come to think of it, I’ve grown fond of being called by my surname rather than my given one. Some would try to give me nicknames like, Rence, or Clar, but I never really quite got the hang of it. It’s weird but I don’t hate it.

I am 18 years into this ever changing world, plagued by the constant thought of adulthood creeping in behind me, preparing to take me by surprise whenever I am not paying attention. I am a transplanted Caviteño, hailing originally all the way from Quezon City. I am in a well-enough place, not much finances but enough to go around the extended family of a small subdivision home. As a part of a large family, being around people became “normal“ for me. However, it wasn’t THE “normal” I am willing to accept even now.

I have always been academically-inclined, with constant honor rolls throughout Elementary until High School. Although there were years that just weren't mine, I knew I still had to go on and excel better the next opportunity I’ll have. During my enrollment in high school, I vividly remember how the registrar attendee painted their emotions on their face. I’d quite describe it as “O.O”, or for those of you who aren’t familiar with the PC terms, she was shocked. It was an unexpected reaction, even leading me to think my grades were subpar with that amount of emotions she displayed. But alas, I got an offer for a special program for Junior High — no, not that kind of “special” for people with special needs — But a class with a different curriculum from those of the regulars. Literally “specials” if you ask me, but no one would want to admit that. Anyhow, our classes were of the same level as that of our seniors. We discussed lessons that were advanced for someone our age, hence our teachers must qualify as Masters before they were allowed to teach in our class. Of course, being in that section wasn’t breezy. It was a pressurized chamber. Forcing us, molding us, pressuring us to be role models for the school. Pressures were high, the heat was up (figuratively and literally, the school couldn’t afford air conditioning), and expectations soared through the sky. We managed, formed bonds with each other, and conquered every challenge. “Gold” as we were compared to — a beauty formed by the pressures of the Earth (also our section’s name from seventh to tenth year). We shone, and that was all people could see, and yet we didn’t mind. We had to live by our moniker.

The pandemic came and went. It changed everything. Taught me everything, showed me who I am, my responsibilities in life. For years I have longed for isolation. And now that it’s finally within my grasp, I wasn’t able to handle it. I was lonely, and it didn’t help that I got forcefully stuck in Cavite because of the lockdowns. The initial plan of a 2-week visit to my older sister in Dasmariñas, became a 2-and-more years of stay. Thankfully though, I am now in a much better place.

Coming through Senior High School, life went abreeze . . . a bit. Of course, most of the lessons I had were already familiar to me, giving me an advantage over my peers. But if you knew me personally, you’d know I’d have forgotten half of those discussions already. Friends were something I had trouble defining, but fortunately not anymore in my senior years. Some might say I am indistinguishable from my past life, and indeed I am. I have learned, nurtured myself, fixed my wrongs, and learned from my mistakes.

Now, you might be wondering, “how long until this guy tells me about his experience as a spy”? — Short answer, right now. Long answer, Riiiiiggghhhtt nooowww. Kidding aside, spies are masters of disguise — they adapt, they quickly learn, and observe their surroundings — much like how I survived this world. I have learned to adapt to new situations, adjusted myself to fit and understand my surroundings. New horizons aren’t my weakness, I strive to find them, I strive to learn them. I venture to new territories to provide intel to my comrades (a.k.a myself), and I communicate with locals as if I am their own blood. But the problem with being a spy is, you sometimes forget your past, you forget your home, the ones you have left behind. But you start embracing your new one, eventually being fooled by your own disguise as well. A couple of stops would remind me of the footprints I have left behind and the stories it told about where I am now.

Something I learned, be a secret spy — tough, strong, adapting, unpredictable. But also be yourself — unique, understanding, resilient, and “Golden”.

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amygdalagustd · 3 years

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Kim Namjoon on Identity

Namjoon explores the concept of identity time and time again in his life and in his music. He tends to focus on how different parts of himself might be in conflict with each other, and the tensions and confusion that goes with that experience. People are filled with duality, sometimes to the point that it tears us apart. The question of “who am I?” seems a simple one, but underneath it lies a lot of complexity. Who do I want to be? Who do other people want me to be? How much of my identity is formed by my past? Can I change who I am? Can I be multiple things at the same time? Who is the real me? What does it even mean to be the real me?

The question of “who am I?” seems to both fascinate and terrify Namjoon. In this essay we will tackle the question together as I explore all the different ways that Namjoon contemplates identity in lyrics and interviews.

From his decision to become a rapper in the first place to the struggle of taking care of himself as a world famous idol to the questioning of what having an identity actually means, we will travel through Namjoon’s career and highlight all the moments that he asks himself:

“Who the hell am I?”

It’s no secret that Namjoon was a very intelligent and driven student who got good grades in school. In his earlier lyrics he often writes about the pressure that was put on him to succeed and follow a certain path in life. As someone who was good at studying it was expected of him to prioritize his education above all else. Namjoon fit into that role well, but behind the scenes his heart was longing for music. He discovered rap and decided that he wanted a different path for his life. BTS’s early work is filled with messages of following your dreams and not letting other people decide what type of life you want to live. Namjoon often talked about the struggles of living in between the expectations of those around him and his own desires for his future. Some of those conflicting feelings are expressed in Voice, the intro song to his 2015 mixtape RM:

Straight A student and underground rapper

I occupied myself all day with being graded with meaningless numbers like beef gets graded

I just wanted to succeed

because that’s the only thing I was told by others so much that I almost got sick of it

The mirage called happiness- I thought it would be held there

But, sitting at my desk, I was never happy, not for a single moment

I secretly hid a blank sheet of paper between the pages of my study book without my mom’s knowing

My identity that I wrote down along the sound of drums and bass

The feeling of breathing that is different from that of receiving grade reports

Even when I was the top of my class, my mind was never at ease

Is it absolutely necessary to want something that others want?

I secretly raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

I again raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

He also touches on the subject in Born Singer, which was released in 2013:

To be honest, I was scared that I was to prove myself after talking big

that I, who used to know only pen and book, was then to surprise the world

I dunno, that I and the world’s expectations are too asymmetric,

I was scared that I might betray everyone who trusted me

I stretch my burdened shoulders and step onto the very first stage

BTS and Namjoon will continue to talk about the pressure of society's expectations and the difficulty of following your own path in songs like No More Dream, N.O and School of Tears. Fighting back against the oppressive school system is a huge part of their message and mission in their early career. They ask their fans and themselves to look at the person that they are expected to become and question if that image is in line with their own dreams and desires. Namjoon wrestled with this question himself, and therefore has the experience and passion to guide others who might be struggling with their identity and the identity that is put on them.

Idol and artist

The concept of being an idol vs being an artist is one that comes back often in BTS lyrics. Namjoon is an underground rapper who ended up in a boyband, and the identity of being an idol is one that he has wrestled with quite a bit. Can you be both an idol and an artist? Does becoming an idol mean that you have to give up on being an artist? Does it matter if you call yourself an idol or an artist? Does it matter what other people say about it?

Namjoon mentions this conflicting identity in Awakening on his 2015 mixtape RM:

Every night I fight myself inside me

My heart pounds, and my colleagues stab me in the back

saying I became a cripple after going into a company

Yeah fuck you I’m an idol, yeah yeah i’m an idol

I hated it at one time but now I love to get that title

Unlike some keep denying [their identity] to the end on television,

I now fully accept myself, and I just do me

Whether I’m an idol or an artist- it actually never mattered

The way you guys look at me was what defined me

I was obsessed over titles and hung up on how people described me

Listen to the rap of the guy who became a bit smarter as time passed

Namjoon gets shit for being an idol from the underground rap scene and gets shit for being an artist from the idol scene. He is hovering in between, writing his rap lyrics with the power and authenticity of a hip hop artist while simultaneously dancing and looking like a full fledged boyband member. He responds to this dilemma with unwavering pride, the drive to prove himself and a fuck you attitude. This energy dominates a lot of early BTS music. They are still trying to find their place in the industry while not really knowing where exactly they belong. Songs like the Cyphers and Mic Drop highlight the anger they feel about the mistreatment they face from both sides of the industry while boasting about their accomplishments and pride in who they are. Just like Namjoon in Awakening, Yoongi also often mentions his struggles with the identity of being an idol in his solo work. In Idol, the title track of the 2018 album Love Yourself: Answer, BTS face the subject head on:

You can call me artist

You can call me idol

Or you can call me anything else

I don’t care

I’m proud of it

I’m free

No more irony

Because I’ve been me all the time

You can point your fingers at me, I don’t care at all

Whatever reason you have to denigrate me,

I know what I am

I know what I want

I never gon’ change

I never gon’ trade

Why do you talk loud “blah blah”

I do what I do, so mind your own business

You can’t stop me loving’ myself

Idol is a proud, joyful, wonderfully weird and confident self love anthem. It’s a celebration of who BTS are at their core. In the song, they have accepted all the different aspects of their identity and they don’t feel the need to fit in with just one label. In the future, they will go on to say that BTS’s genre is just BTS, and they see no point in categorizing themselves.

RM and Namjoon

In 2018, BTS released a documentary series called Burn The Stage. The series followed them throughout the Wings tour and was supposed to show a more raw version of them.

In episode 6, Namjoon said:

Being an idol star, you don’t have a choice but to have two identities. I invested a lot in my identity as BTS and RM, and this is really a dilemma. We need to find ways to overcome this, and I’m trying different things. I study, I read books. I need time to be wholly me, the original me that I know.

Everyone in BTS has a stage name, a person they become when they present themselves in front of their fans. On stage Namjoon is RM, a fierce and confident rapper, a powerful and charming performer, a dependable leader and someone who lives a fiery and intense life.

Behind the scenes, Namjoon is Namjoon, a man in his twenties who is trying to figure out how to be an adult just like everyone else. He likes to go on bike rides, take care of plants, go to museums, read books and spend time in nature. He gets lazy and reads webtunes for 5 hours straight and sometimes argues with the people around him because they annoy him.

Namjoon spends the years of his youth as part of BTS, in the public eye, and sometimes that causes tension between these different parts of himself; the stage persona and the private person. In Break The Silence: The Movie which came out in 2020, there was a lot of talk about identity. During one of Namjoon’s segments he said:

There is also the fear of how well I’m taking care of myself, the Kim Namjoon as a person. Aside from money, fame, and a sense of calling, what do I really have? When you have those things all other things start to feel really valuable. Those who don’t have them would find them really special. I think it’s a repetition of that, so for me, there is a fear about whether I’m faithfully living the story of my life to the fullest.

He also mentions this dilemma in Airplane pt.2 on the 2018 album Love Yourself: Tear where the lyrics go:

Who should I live as today, Kim Namjoon or RM?

25, I still don’t know how to live well

For Namjoon and anyone in BTS, there is no simple answer to this question, as the nature of their job puts them in a position that makes it hard for them to develop a sense of self outside of the work they are doing. Even though Namjoon is part of an incredibly successful band, that doesn't mean he got it all figured out. As he has poured his youth and his energy into becoming the best performer he can be, he now feels like the Kim Namjoon behind the scenes deserves some energy and space to exist too.

Rap Monster and RM

Before Namjoon was RM, Namjoon was Rap Monster, a stage name that he used until November of 2017. The name Rap Monster fits the fierce and somewhat angst-ridden style of music that Namjoon was making in the beginning of his career. He decided to move on from the name in 2017 because it was no longer representative of him and the music that he was making.

In an interview with Entertainment Tonight Namjoon said that RM could stand for many things. He mentioned Real Me as one of the possibilities, but seems to prefer not to pin one specific meaning to the name.

In another interview with J-14 Magazine when asked what kind of advice he would give to himself in 2013, he said:

Hey Namjoon, Don’t name yourself Rap Monster. You’re a human. You’re not a monster. You’re a beautiful human.

Namjoon has often said that one of his missions in life is to love himself. This struggle to love himself often reflects in his lyrics, and now also in his decision to change his stage name, as the old one had some negative connotations to it. Perhaps Namjoons struggle with self acceptance, self worth and self love is one of the reasons that identity is such a big theme for him, as he is trying to figure out how to be a Namjoon that he can love. RM is a stage name that is more aligned with that goal as it leaves more room for flexibility and change.

Map of the Soul

The subject of identity is explored to the fullest in the Map of the Soul era that started with Map of the Soul: Persona in 2019, followed up by Map of the Soul: 7 in 2020.

Map of the Soul is inspired by the ideas of psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung. The words persona, shadow and ego that are used in Map of the Soul come directly from his theory. BTS uses these concepts to examine different parts of themselves and their career over time. A lot of this era feels like a final examination of the question that Namjoon has been asking himself in different ways throughout his entire career: Who am I?

In Intro: Persona, the opener to both albums, Namjoon writes about his journey with identity in the first few lines of the song:

“Who am I,” a question that I’ve been asking myself for my whole life

A question that I will probably never be able to find the right answer for

If I were answerable with only a few words,

God wouldn’t have created all those many beauties

Namjoon realizes that he will probably never have a clear answer to the question of “who am I?” and he accepts that. He recognizes that his identity can’t be summed up by a few words or traits and that this isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes it can feel more secure to build our entire sense of identity around one aspect of ourselves (I am a straight A student, I am an underground rapper) but that puts us in a position without flexibility and without space for growth. As different parts of ourselves clash with each other we end up feeling scattered, unsure of who we are, and angry at ourselves. It’s only when those different parts of ourselves are allowed to co-exist that we can find peace and a true sense of self.

BTS will talk about this idea in other songs too, like in Idol, where Taehyung sings:

There are tens and hundreds of myself within me

Today, I greet my another self

They are all me after all,

so I just run rather than worrying

The notion also comes back in the speech that BTS held for the United Nations in 2018. The final message of that speech was to find your name and find your voice by speaking yourself. There was a lot of talk about losing your identity as a young child in favor of fitting in, and Namjoon encouraged everyone to be their own person and to find their own voice back. Throughout the speech he mentions how he is both an idol and artist, Kim Namjoon and RM, and also just an ordinary 24 year old guy. He is saying that he can be many things at once and strives to love all those different parts of himself at the same time.

In the final verses of Intro: Persona, Namjoon boldly and confidently claims that he is no longer ashamed of the different parts inside of him, writing:

Yeah my name is R

The ‘me’ who I remember and who people know

The ‘me’ who I created by myself to speak my mind

Yeah, I might have been deceiving myself, I might have been lying

But, I’m not ashamed of it, this is the map of my soul

The lyrics continue, focusing on duality, complexity and balance within his identity, accepting the different parts of himself that coexist together even if they clash:

Dear myself

You must never lose your temperature

because you don’t need to be warm or cold

Though I might sometimes pretend I’m good and sometimes pretend I’m evil,

this is the barometer of my direction that I want to set

The ‘me’ who I want to be

The ‘me’ who people want

The ‘me’ who you love

And the ‘me’ who I craft

The ‘me’ who’s smiling

The ‘me’ who’s crying sometimes

Living and breathing every second, every moment, even now

Within these lyrics there is a tone of direction and intent rather than one of being lost and questioning. This tone is very strong throughout the entire Map of the Soul concept, especially in ON, suggesting that maybe “finding” your identity isn’t about anxiously defining every single part of your personality, it’s more about choosing who you want to be and boldly pursuing the world as an incomplete human being. In the end, there is no simple answer to the question of “who am I?” and that’s okay.

All lyrics translations come from Doolset. Visit the website for additional notes and interpretations of BTS lyrics.

#bts #namjoon #rm #my writing #bts essay #long post #identity

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she-who-the-river-could-not-hold · 2 years

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Creative Journal [July 18]

inspired by @kinetic-elaboration who made a post a bit ago about sharing updates throughout July about what we’re working on! It felt good to compile my thoughts into one place as I think about what I’m trying to accomplish!

Taking a creative hibernation has been one of the best things I could have done for myself! But it also means now that I’m wanting to get back into things, the itch is twice as intense as before! I think my plan is to still keep things either somewhat vague or at least without any update plans. Getting to work in my own little cocoon has been quite lovely, especially since I do plan on making most of my work this month try to be outlining.

WRITING PROJECTS

As warm ups, I’ve taken to picking a couple of the prompts from the 2021 Crackling Fires and combining some and writing either summaries or outlines for my ideas for them. I’m thinking once I get all of them outlined, I can get to writing them as actual writing warm ups. I also have a horror/slasher oneshot that I’m attempting to wrangle (base idea = good, execution = struggling) that I’d desperately love to write in time for spooky season. Also a follow up to my Bellarke + CAOS AU would be really fun and I’ve gotten multiple people requesting one (since I mentioned it in the author’s notes). That one is the least likely but we’ll see! But since I’m getting married this fall and all of the stuff involved with that, we’ll see. But I would love to get some fun Halloween content pre-written for the season!

I’ve fallen victim to my old Stranger Things addiction so some plot seeds have taken root with that as well. The zombie rewrite is always floating in my mind but I do think I have more plans for that now rather than just a simple rewrite. Flushing out plot holes, upping the stakes. Making it the truly complex story I think it deserves. I’ve also fallen for a side ship and am in the depths of planning something out for that one as well! But that’ll be a secret one until it’s further along I think.

As for my other WIPs, I think I’m settling into a place that I can open them up again. I have a couple that I really don’t think I care about anymore, but I don’t want to write them off quite yet. I think I’ll first look at the ones that have a more defined direction and see what I feel most inspired to work on again! It’ll be nice to write off of ~vibes~ again though and not feel as much pressure. I’m hoping that’ll make it easier to finish them! I’ve also begun to lay the groundwork for a Bellarke AU I promised my partner I’d write and I’m SO excited for that to take shape!

DESIGN PROJECTS

There are definitely some creative projects that take precedent over everything––aka my two contract jobs right now as well as all of the designs for my wedding lol. I’m working on improving my scheduling of work and removing distractions so that I can work more productively during the day. I also need to finish updating my portfolio, which is woefully lacking.

In the more fun element of designing, I want to keep doing some character and episode graphics for Tumblr. I can’t believe my Eddie one is almost to 1k notes!! Those are great exercises for me and a fun way to play with fonts that I don’t have a place for in my day to day work. I also have an idea for making a series of badges/patches inspired by camping that I want to do. Plus my million other art ideas on my Notion board!

As always, “intention” is my word that I’m focusing on. Planning and being intentional about my time, especially even when it’s not “working” on things, is so crucial and I’m excited to be shaking off the cobwebs and getting back into things!

#kathryn chats

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bangtanblurbs · 3 years

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autumn leaves

song: autumn leaves by BTS

first experience: my first listen of autumn leaves was when HYYH pt. 2 released. thanksgiving had just ended -- it was 2015. i was well into my fourth year of undergraduate studies and going through both a rough patch in some respects but also in others -- hitting my stride. i remember my first listen through of HYYH pt. 2 was in my tiny dorm room, perched on my bed, avoiding the responsibility of studying for my final exams. autumn leaves followed skit in the tracklisting, and before skit came baepsae. talk about whiplash... my emotions were all over the place. immediately i was taken by the unique backbeat and the beautiful blend of devastating vocals with emotional raps. for me, autumn leaves was immediately a favorite of mine from the album -- following closely behind butterfly. i can confidently say today though that the song is one of my top ten bangtan songs of all time. something about the sound, the lyrics, and the emotions i can hear in their voices makes it one of the most powerful rap ballads in the bangtan repertoire. i can remember distinctly i came to this revelation around christmas of 2015 as i continued to loop HYYH pt. 2 and really feel each beat and sound within the individual tracks.

at this time i was going through a period of great change in my life - and autumn leaves is the perfect song for change. it’s a song about losing a love but also about feeling as if you are losing a piece of yourself. there are many ways to interpret the song outside of just being another sad love song -- that is something that struck me. the lyrics speak to several facets of what happens when you give pieces of yourself to others, or when you reach crossroads in your life. finding this song at this particular moment in my life was like finding energy and light at a time of extreme darkness. it was healing. soothing.

feelings: i have too many. as always. autumn leaves is special to me because when i listen to it i’m reminded of both the place i was in when the sound found me, but also more recent development in my life that continue to relate to the song. when i first heard autumn leaves, i’d recently ended a relationship i’d been far too invested in despite knowing it was going to be a dead end - for about three years. i felt like i was at a point in my life where i needed to figure out who the hell i was without the one i’d loved. it’s funny though - i was happy to be free of that relationship, to be free of him, the pressures he’d put upon me. what do dead leaves mean if not a new spring right around the corner? perhaps i was feeling lost, but in my mind it was only temporary -- the dead must fall away to bring forward the spring.

that being said, i did mourn. not in the way you might think, but in the way that one mourns for lost time, lost identity. so often we, as women, give up our identities when we are in relationships. we allow others to define us in terms of those that we are in relationships with. i’ve realized this now that i’m older -- now that i’m more at peace with my bisexuality -- the notion that our patriarchal society defines us in terms of the men within our lives rather than our own talents and identities. this particular blog isn’t a space for my feelings on that topic though -- what i will say is that autumn leaves comforted me. perhaps i felt that i was at a point where my leaves were dying -- but does that mean the tree is dead? absolutely not. spring would come. my life would be reborn with a new focus taking over.

this being said -- i’ve always been one of those people that holds onto the past. i always wanted to be solid, non-changing, someone with convictions that they carried along from life. i think this stems from experiencing the death of a close friend while i was very young. i cherished the memories associated with her to the point where i didn’t want to lose the person i was when i knew her. so that’s always complicated change for me -- made the moments where the last leaves fell from the autumn trees that much harder. sure, spring was on its way, but what did that mean? would i lose the memories and the moments when my leaves where at their brilliance the previous season? or would i still carry those with me? what if i needed to correct course and completely rewrite who i was over the past -- would that mean losing who i was when i was loved by those i valued in the past? of course not -- but for some reason the more emotional sides of me didn’t see things in such a fluid way. lost was more profound when i was younger because it was also accompanied with these fears over the loss of my identity.

as i’ve gotten older i’ve realized that identity can have staying power whilst also being something that is fluid. transmuting something doesn’t mean destroying or overwriting it. it means building upon the base and modifying it so that things are more brilliant. the me that existed before and during my long-term relationship was the same me i’d carry into the future, but with many more improvements for my own wellbeing and ability to express myself. for me, autumn leaves is just that. whilst on the surface it may convey the emotions of a breakup -- it also simply conveys the feelings that we get when we progress from one period of life to another. we leave parts of ourselves behind in order to improve. does that mean we are fundamentally changed? absolutely not. it means that we have learned from the past -- that we have made progress. in the same way that trees grow and change over the years. perhaps they look differently (taller, greener in hue? more branches?) but they still provide us with lushness and shade.

personal connection: perhaps i’ve jumped ahead... i’ve already delved into this in the feelings section. that being said... i hope that my story can bring comfort to someone else. or perhaps help you all think about the ways in which bangtan songs can promote healing in your own lives.

since my initial experience with the song i’ve had many other moments where i’ve turned to autumn leaves for comfort. i didn’t just leave it in the past -- it’s come with me as i’ve gotten older and moved into new spaces in my life. particularly i quite literally moved and started a huge new chapter in my life. and on this, autumn leaves has been a song i frequently find myself searching for. there’s a line in the song that resonates with me -- it’s in the bridge: “i hold on to these faded memories / is this greed? / i try to look back on these lost seasons / i try to turn back”

initially i’d been excited for my big move from atlanta to washington dc. i thought it’d be the moment where i finally showed people back home that i wasn’t a failure, that all the pride i’d held in myself and my intellectual accomplishments was valid... but partnered with that came the intensive homesickness, the feeling of being an alien. i wasn’t really welcome here in dc. i still don’t feel welcome, but that’s a story for another day - another song. the reality is though, i moved just as the seasons turned to fall. it felt like my old life was falling away, i was bidding adieu my old life -- the community that had raised me since i was eighteen -- it was all gone. i was scared, terrified my friends wouldn’t keep in touch, afraid i’d have to change who i was to experience success (mask my accent, dye my hair, use the language of the elites)... while it’s not a breakup in the way the autumn leaves reads, i felt like i was having to plead with myself not to let go of who i was just for the sake of being accepted here, or for the sake of making my day to day life easier. the beat of the song brought me comfort as i walked to school, where i received the fake smiles of professors and classmates... i pleaded with myself -- to never let the parts of me that had gotten me to where i was fall away... to always let those dead leaves be the fertilizer for who i was becoming, for the me that would deliver myself closer to my dreams.

even now -- i listen to autumn leaves and think about what i’m going to carry forward as the seasons change and we begin to work our way into a new normal in this pandemic. what parts of me will remain? what relationships will i keep? what *should* fall away, and what will i beg to keep around rather it’s healthy or not? i’m not sure. but closing my eyes and listening to the steady sound of autumn leaves brings me nothing but comfort.

song breakdown

musically: autumn leaves is one of the most iconic songs from the HYYH era. the beat is iconic, the mix of vocal line and rap line from verse to chorus is completely seamless, it’s almost like a ballad rap (so iconic of the HYYH era, with songs like love is not over). the asian style beats, and synth... the sounds of the song are flawless from start to finish. the underlying beat of the song is so smooth, it feels almost like constant crashing waves, the ebb and flow of the beat with a few accents to highlight the emotional pick-ups of the verses.

now -- it was controversial at the time -- many claim that autumn leaves samples beats from deadroses by blackbear. rather that’s true or not, i don’t know. but i find that listening to both songs back to back, they’re speaking to a lot of similar themes but with their own distinct sound and messages. there’s something about the genius of the back beat mixed with the emotionally charged rapping that sets autumn leaves apart -- also the use of vocal line is completely distinct and adds to the emotion in the sound.

vocally: i don’t have as much to say about the vocals in this song. they’re beautiful, with vocal providing honey belts throughout the choruses, which sound more like a repeated bridge. we also see the slower, more emotionally accented rap style from each of rapline. the integration of the vocals and rap are iconically HYYH and BTS. we see the raps pick up, and slow down providing for pre-choruses to build into the beautiful vocal ballad ranges.

autumn leaves performed live -- it’s something incredible. something i’m thankful i was able to experience. bangtan obviously never disappoint, but you can really hear the emotions in their voice with autumn leaves. the perfect adlibs, the changing rap paces, the roughness of rapline’s lower registers... it delivers the sadder themes of the song perfectly.

lyrically: time for a DEEP dive yet again. autumn leaves is about change, the loss of a love. of course meanings can be layered, it can be about change, but on the very surface its a song about loss of love because of changes over time.

jin and jungkook start out the song beautifully. the lyrics lead in directly addressing the theme: “fall like those dry leaves / just falling without strength, my love.” indicating that the song is like a letter - it’s a message to a love. the speaker is comparing their situation to a dead leaf, useless... time has run out... time to leave and fade away... something new to come a replace. falling without strength, it seems as if the speaker is saying they’ve got no more fight in them anymore, they’ve given up and realized continuing the fight is futile. it’s time to just let everything fall away, fade into black. “your heart just goes far away / i can’t catch you / i can’t catch you anymore, anymore / i can’t hold onto you, yeah” as much as the speaker would like to hold onto the moment they are in, hold onto the person they’re with... they can’t anymore. the other person is too far away. time has led to them drifting further apart, their relationship falling away like a dead leaf.

yoongi starts off the first rap, leading in with heavy emotions and continuing the story, and theme of a tree moving into fall. “those fallen leaves that look so insecure / seem like they’re looking at us.” the leaves have already fallen off the tree now, they’re dead on the ground -- peering back up at the speaker and their partner. i interpret this as the leaves are looking back at something they used to be a part of, something familiar to them, just as leaves are a part of our lives, trees spectating our lives as we live. these leaves were a part of their lives -- and now they’re gone, a piece is dead now. “if i touch your hand, even if it’s all at once / it seems like it’ll all become crumbs” -- this line illustrates again the analogy that the leaves are like the speaker’s significant other, someone that might just crumble away like it was never even there before, like a dream, it’s that distant. “i only looked / with the autumn wind” the seasons have changed, it’s that time, it’s been that time, and now the wind is a force that finally pushing the leaf off the tree, finally pushing the relationship or moment of life to end. “your words and expressions that become cold at some point / i can see that our relationship is fading / an empty relationship like the autumn sky” this line directly refers to the relationship like the seasons -- there was a spring, beautiful and blooming, love blossomed. and in summer it burned. but as time went on, the clouds went away and the rain stopped (the autumn sky doesn’t bring the spring showers to nurture the relationship anymore) and the fire consumed everything, burning it out and leaving nothing. “an ambiguous difference compared to before / today of all days, the much quieter night” there’s nothing left -- there no more crackle of the fire burning, no more love. it’s empty, and gone. but nobody knew when it became this way or why, it just did. “one lead left clinging to a branch / it’s shattering, i see the end.” there’s something hanging on -- perhaps it’s just the memory -- perhaps it’s just the part of them that is afraid of change, that wishes they could stay in the warmth. but even so, it’s beginning to crumble, it’s beginning the process to fall away. “dead leaves becoming dried / the silence inside your aloof heart / please don’t leave me / please don’t leave me, crumbling dead leaves” from dead to dried, the emphasis is made that at some point things have moved past ending or that they have been done for quite some time and for them to now also be dried. that being said they’re dried, not gone, the memories exist the emotions have left their place. someday the marks of this relationship will impact and provide the basis for another with someone else -- for better or worse.

then, we reach the bridge-like chorus. it’s simple in lyrics despite emotion packed in tone. “i want the you that meets my eyes / i want the you that wants me again” this line indicates that the partner in this situation has walked away and had decided not to even acknowledge the speaker. to pretend they don’t exist, to remove them from their life -- perhaps to not even keep them as a memory. “please don’t leave me / please don’t fall / never never fall / don’t go far away” the speaker begins to beg, holding onto the last few minutes of whatever they believe is left of the relationship. the begging of “don’t fall” is at odds with the previous verse about a leaf already fallen -- perhaps the chorus is coming from a more desperate state, or a moment before the inevitable happened (the season changed, the leaves fell).

the post chorus brings in jin and continues with the same lament - the same desperate begging. “baby you, girl i can’t let you go / baby you, girl i can’t give up on you” the speaker is determined to hold onto the moment before the final fall. they are unwilling to let it all go -- hanging on to the last moments but also to the memories it seems. “like those falling dry leaves / this love, like dry leaves / never never fall / it’s fading.” at this point the chorus has progressed to where the leaves are fading and falling -- morphing into something that is no longer a leaf anymore. what is the speaker holding onto any more? just as memories too fade -- is there anything even left?

the next verse brings in namjoon, it plays off of the themes and tones in yoongi’s verse. it begins with the leaves already having fallen. there’s no more grasping onto what was, it’s much more about moving on and the ways the memory frames our ability to go forward. “like all the dry leaves fall / like all the things i thought would last forever are leaving / you are my fifth season” the speaker couldn’t imagine this happening -- a fifth season, there is no such thing. the leaves have fallen, despite him never imagining that it would occur, he’s dumbstruck. there’s a level of naivety here -- speaking to the things they thought would last forever -- which harkens back to the entire HYYH era theme. youth. learning growth. namjoon is speaking to new steps in life happening after finding out that what was familiar and comfortable is gone, and will not return as he is stepping into a fifth season and uncharted territory. “even if i try to see you, i can’t look / you’re still green to me / even if the heart doesn’t move, it moves by itself / lingering feelings hung out piece by piece like laundry” namjoon is charging here that he’s placing more emphasis on the past and the memories he holds rather than wanting to confront the reality that the other person has changed. they’re still green - young, fresh, healthy... he can’t help but still be in love because he cannot confront the fact that the other person has in fact changed. and at the same time all of this change and loss has made him raw, he cannot conceal his feelings even when doing mundane day to day things... his emotions hung out for all to see. “only crimson memories fall / from above me / even if my branch doesn’t shake / they constantly fall” the colors have changed from green to crimson, he is forgetting the hard times -- the memories that are rotten. the other memories, even if he keeps trying to hang onto them, they’re also going - being tainted by the dark and unhappy reality of things begin done. “right, my love must fall / in order to rise” he realizes, he need to cut the baggage, cut his false belief that things are still good, so that he can start a new season and try again. embrace his youth once again and heal. “even when you’re near, my two eyes / are far away, it’s happening / i’m being thrown away like this / inside my memories, i become young again” he emphasizes again that he cannot confront the reality of loss of this other person but realizes that it’s completely out of his control - he is the one being thrown. but he knows he can retreat to whatever space he needs to in order to cope or heal, he can hide inside his youth in his mind. he can stay there until he heals and can emerge once again.

the chorus the repeats again, but this time it moves into the beautifully delivered bridge by taehyung. he begins with his low and smooth range “why can’t i give up on you yet / i hold on to these faded memories” which calls directly to namjoon’s verse. the seasons are changing, but he cannot let go of the past. things are fading but they remain his refuge. “is this greed? / i try to look back on these lost seasons / i try to turn back” he begins to realize that there’s an element to these emotions that might be toxic, that he wants but he knows he cannot have what he wants, or that he wants too much. he wishes he could retreat back to the summer, or the spring. turn back time and hide in those brighter moments.

the final verse is beautifully delivered with hoseok’s unique style. he offers an unexpected conclusion to the hopelessness of yoongi’s verse and the denial and dismissal in namjoon’s. “burn them brightly, woosh / it was all beautiful, right, our path / but they’ve all faded” hoseok remembers fondly the memories, reflects positively on the way that things had been going... but he recognizes that that path exists no more -- those leaves are dead and gone. he uses the word “burn” which is often what happens with dead leaves, they’re burning brightly those memories -- like they’re seared into his mind and heart. they’ll never leave his essence. “dry leaves come down like tears / the wind blows and everything grows apart all day” this line beautifully captures the mourning process and the confusion that follows -- the learning to unlearn and untangle your life from another person’s. to move away from something that was so permanent in your life and mind. “the rain is falling and you’re shattering / until the very last leaf, you you you” the weather references in this verse are fitting for the theme of seasons but they also take control away from the speaker - make reference to the fact that even as they speaker would like to, he cannot control his emotions just like he cannot control the situation and relationship coming to an end. the very last leaf -- he tried to hold on, he waited till the end, but finally the hope is gone.

the chorus repeats with some additional lines bracketing it by taehyung. ultimately the song leaves us with a feeling of being unsettled as things came to an ended. time passed by and things changed -- and end was inevitable. memories are what is left to hold onto. seasons change, just like we grow up or change. things in our lives will run their course, especially relationships. we learn from them, and even if we don’t want them to -- they leave scars... no matter how much we plead. but the reality is, we can retreat to whatever place in our mind or memory that we need to in order to repair ourselves to try again.

performance: the main video that is available online for autumn leaves is a performance from HYYH on tour. i cannot pinpoint the location of the filming, but it is the same as it was when i saw BTS live in 2016 in macau for HYYH the epilogue on tour. you can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrM53Y9hHV0&ab_channel=lestwins1524

the performance is very much understated but beautiful. vocals and raps are delivered with more emotion than was captured in the recorded version. members do not perform any choreographed dances, but lights and graphics highlight each member as they come into focus to deliver their portion of the song. it’s beautiful and it’s just what was needed to portray the emotion and depth of the themes in autumn leaves.

in my own personal experience, seeing this song performed live was incredibly profound. the entire arena was silent. all eyes on bangtan and listening for each of the incredibly raw verses to be peformed. the crisp emotion laden in the vocal line choruses. the song is beautiful. it’s somber and mature. it exemplifies the drama of the HYYH era -- with lyrical and performance genius that is unparalleled. i’ve uploaded to this post my horrible video but i hope you enjoy ~~

tl;dr: autumn leaves might seem like another breakup song, but there’s more to it. it beautifully emphasizes the power of memory, time passage, and the desire to hold onto past versions of themselves. which for many listeners is far more profound than just a breakup -- there’s so many times when we need to leave behind moments in our lives, friends, family members... and while we want to hold onto something that is familiar, we can’t. they’re leaving, we are moving on... seasons come and go no matter how much we wish they’d just stay constant. dead leaves fall away, even when we’d wish the summer and spring would stay, they can’t. life is cyclical in nature. which harkens us back to the themes in spring day as well. the sun will always come out, the seasons will change... but we have to confront the fact that sometimes we will experience pain, loss, and change.

#bangtan #bts #lyrics #analysis #army #autumn leaves #bts army #hyyh #most beautiful part of life

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thistle-and-thorn · 3 years

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my goal-setting manifesto

So recently @woodswit wrote a super thought-provoking post about struggling with the benefits of loving feeling fit and struggling with external validation regarding fitness and so this is kind of my reference guide for myself about goal-setting and the way *I* need to remember to think about it.

I minored in a very specific form of organizational management in college and a huge part of that curriculum was goal-setting. We were encouraged to make one-year, five-year, ten-year career plans, we learned how to set SMART goals, how to identify what steps were right for you, etc. Well, babies, I did not need this curriculum because in high school we had done this exact same curriculum. SMART goals, college planning, etc. Bitch, I knew how to plan my life and, bitch, I had it planned. I was a very high-achieving and ambitious student—I went after awards, AP scores, good grades, letters of recommendation. The school system I attended was very typical of an American school in that those things were the primary indicators for success and the “quality” of our grades determined our classes (and subsequently our social groups) and myriad other things. I was a “good girl” and bought into and benefitted from this kind of structure immensely.

Well. I also have struggled with severe anxiety and periodic depressive episodes that significantly interrupt my daily life and ability to care appropriately for myself. These disorders reached a critical mass at the midpoint of my college career and, after two very bad semesters (one of which ended with me getting a tiny sexy scar from fainting into a doorway), I realized I needed to make significant changes to my priorities. More specifically, I needed to examine the method by which I was defining and collecting achievement and validation. So, after much therapy (I love u Claire), soul-searching, several glasses of a very good local hard cider, I decided to write out the way I goal-set now that enables me to actually breathe and not spiral into self-hatred.

Why Do We Need Goal-Setting?

I actually think that goal-setting is deeply important. If you are a dreamer, I would even say that goal-setting is essential. Personally, I’m a planner/dreamer and enjoy setting goals. It comforts me. Getting a little organized around amorphous ideas like “I want to be a novelist” or “I wish I could travel the world” allows those things to become attainable.

Process and Product

I would say that there are two ways of thinking about goals:

1. Product-Oriented: This is the type of thinking that was taught in my management classes and is exactly what it sounds like. If you do these steps, then you will get x-result. An example of a well-written product-oriented goal is, “By Tuesday, I need to complete three research reports.” (This is true, and I completed them today motherfuckers.) It’s concise, attainable, and happens within a set timeframe.

2. Process-Oriented: This type of thinking focuses on what you will learn or benefit from accomplishing an activity. When I was teaching preschool, an example of this would be taking the kids for a nature walk or free drawing, basically doing an activity where there is no expected result. There is nothing to achieve, there is no medal. The work and the discoveries you make doing the work is the reward. A process-oriented goal would be, “I want to learn about characterization from writing this story.”

In woodswit’s example, she talks about the benefits that cardio exercise has on her mental health, how much happier and confident she is when she is doing a certain variety of exercise regularly. She also talks about how she used to do intense sports.

In this case, a product-oriented way to frame that discussion would be, “I want to get back to the weight I was when I was playing sports” or “I want to be able to lift fifty pounds again.” You will take smaller steps to reach that product—changing the way you eat, figuring out a plan for to work up to lifting heavier things. But the product-oriented way is ultimately a binary—you will either be able to lift fifty pounds or not, you will either reach the weight you were or you won’t. But the process-oriented way to think about these things would be, “I love biking and want to do more of it. Every weekend this summer, I will bike a different rail trail in my county.” The process-oriented method is less specific, but it takes that pressure away from your performance—in the biking example, the only expectation that is set is that you’re going to travel to different bike trails, not that you have to go to every rail trail in the county or that you have to complete the whole trail when you go or that you have to do it in a certain time, just that you are going to go.

There is space for both of these methods, and they are best used in conjunction with each other. Product-oriented is useful, especially in financial situations. A goal for 2022 is to visit my childhood best friend in her new home, halfway across the country. Say I want to go in May 2022 and I figure out that it will cost me roughly $2000. I should probably set a goal with steps to save $2000 by May. It’s also beneficial for the smaller steps to bolster your path to your big dreams—When I was a kid, playing piano gave me a lot of discipline and I would like to have that habit again. That is a process-oriented way of thinking about playing music, but you will probably need to set smaller, product-based goals to achieve it—you will need to select a song and learn to play it, within that song you will need to master it measure by measure.

When we are trained to reach for product, it is hard to recognize the value of process-orientation. A phenomenal example is my WIP. The story I am writing now has 3% the amount of kudos as my biggest fic. I also had a goal of updating every Tuesday. By product standards, that story is a flop. It has the least amount of engagement of anything I’ve ever written, and I haven’t updated it in like two weeks. However, why do I write? I write because I enjoy it, I write fanfic specifically to practice new skills. This story has stretched my abilities and I’ve grown from working on it. By process standards, it’s the most successful of my fics.

And in terms of bigger life things? Process-oriented is the way to go. Why? Because if the pandemic taught us anything, it is that life is not linear. It is nearly impossible to set a straight path—be it up a corporate ladder or a fitness goal—why? Because life sucks. Someone dies, you become ill, it rains, you fall in love, you fall out of love—minute inconveniences happen every day. Process takes the pressure off of your performance because you can’t perform all the time. This is essential in fitness goals because our physical state is especially ephemeral. Of course, it happens in other areas of life, too. An example: In the autumn of 2017, I fell into the deepest depression I have ever been in before or since. I could not remember to shower, let alone do my anthropology homework. As a result, for the first time, I was struggling to create the basic products—like, you know, homework—expected in my classes. That was even more devastating. Around the midpoint of the semester, I realized that product was not sustaining me and if I didn’t want to drop out or harm myself when I “failed”, I had to change my approach.

Once my classes became less about “I need to feel my Middle East studies requirement so I can get a History degree and get an A so I can get on the Dean’s List,” and I reconnected with, “I want to learn a lot about the Middle East,” the products came more naturally. They came more imperfectly, too, but I was able to complete the product because I put less pressure on making them to a certain standard. It became easier to recommit to my goal of being a college-educated woman when I remembered the why of receiving a college education. In woodswit’s original post, she acknowledges that the definition of intense exercise is different for every individual. But it’s also different for the individual at different points in their life and recognizing that intensity and success are arbitrary standards is an essential part of reframing your goal-setting as being process-orientated.

How Do I Goal Set Now?

I still goal-set and a lot of my goals could be likely defined as product-goals. However, they are all made with a long view in mind—if I set a goal to run a 5K, what am I going to get out of it besides just saying that I can run a 5K? Here are ways that I stay process-oriented throughout:

1. Goal Periods

I have three times of year when I set goals: January, June, and Lent. I will set a date on the calendar every year to sit down and just think about what I want to accomplish just in the next twelve-month period and what vision I have for myself in three to five years. No more than that.

January is when I set my personal goals and June is where I set my professional ones. I keep a spreadsheet throughout the year of experiences I would like to have. I will look to this list for inspiration. In January and June, while goal-setting, I check in with the opposing goals. So, in June, I checked in with my progression on my personal goals. I rethought if those goals were still realistic and if I was benefitting from them and in what ways. Then I recommitted to them or adjusted them to help me reach them.

2. Holistic Goals

Unless it’s curing cancer, there is no single goal worth putting all the rest on hold for. Each goal is a battle, and your life is the war. This is a deeply privileged example but: the goal of living independently the first two years out of college was probably achievable. But the effort to achieve that one goal meant that, like, six other personal and financial goals would not be met. So, I put off my career goals and stayed at home and taught preschool for two years. It meant a delay while it seemed like my other friends were growing up and achieving at faster rates, but the temporary strain of achieving a particular goal is sometimes worth it when it dominos into other opportunities.

3. Goal Bundling

I bundle my goals now as a part of my goals check-ins. An example of this is: I loved studying abroad and would love to spend more extended time in the country I studied in during undergrad. I would love to go to graduate school. Ipso facto, presto change-o, I should look at graduate programs in that country and see if that is an achievable goal.

This post is a good example of all of this lol. Why did I write it? there won't be an audience for it but the process of setting all of these thoughts on to paper was cathartic, creating a reference guide on this topic for myself when I am depressed is important, and that has to, has to, has to be good enough.

#claire is a saint and needs her own tag #personal #goals #goal: marry chloe sevigny

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captainkurosolaire · 3 years

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Let it all go

Think, speak, do. We shine through these formed notions.

No secret we’re all the byproducts of passion. So It’s no wonder innately we excel under that pacific condition. Or feel so strongly compelled to it. Whether it’s lust, ambition or undertaking our creative outlet. Morally people depict you differently by confessing or being earnest. Because of this, that characteristic trait has become deserted. If you convey too much emotion, you’re weak. Should you be ill, you’re pitied or invalidated from any struggles you accomplish or unknowingly given a farce bond. To debate is a conflict that many believe only can be of hatred intent. Or to win with senseless ego. When often in reality it’s to be polar educated, for betterment. Our society has pressurized this naturalness that attention of others warrants a higher value. Appeasement to be perceived by others, will never be relevant. Simplistically being real is what matters. We’re all diverse. Unique and special, our weaknesses they’re really strength’s awaiting you to channel them. I’d implore to seize them! All you are. Identifying yourself is how you’ll reach an apex and find true enjoyment, happiness, your flame of passion cannot be extinguished, even when you stumble. One thing or person, will never dictate your worth. Despite how it should feel… Confidence and openness isn’t a sin. If I could spread my abundance many times over, I would. However this is where I introduce myself. Typically where any wisdom comes from is because of firsthand experiences. Achieved a piss-poor job in updating and letting everyone know, I’m alright, those who do care. For them, I lay it all here. I’m incredibly impulsive, stubborn, and most importantly a loser. With only one thing in common in symmetry to a pirate, I play. These things are quintessential, instead of allowing us to be defined. We’re rebellious. In realism. Little I’ve told in life, but I’m mildly autistic. I try desperately to be more and otherwise never show, but denials don’t heal. Furthermore, I also have a rare disease, but again I am not conveying myself for sorrow or anything else. The people I have come to know here, you’re my friends alongside inspirations. You all mean a lot even though I struggle in communicating it. Perhaps should my confession here be splayed out, It’ll hold a few understandings. So I struggle horribly in remaining socially energized in connection with everyone that I really do, wish too. In regards to any RPer’s that may have felt inadequate or vice-versa that I felt suddenly distant, I do apologize. But know, that I assure you, I’m the only one who’s ever felt anything but obsolete. My passion stems because It’s required and necessary. It’s my intense obsessive tick. Within it, pain is foreign. I’ve painstakingly dealt with struggling in my learning’s, teachings, my attention span requires desire. Though, I’ve a lot of exercises. Never did I think or sought to have gotten as many people’s time that I have had, whether their eyes, or Role-play, sharing. It’s valued and appreciated. Builds me up and no matter the amount, has gotten me back up. I am convicted strictly to achieve one thing, to be good enough, to find and maintain that. It’s really it. My impulsiveness is my fault, my unpredictable and lackluster energy of little sleep leaves me never the same, it’s like waking up with a reset button, often. So a majority of the time, I have to write all in one-shot. My quality under that fluctuates, worsens, or shifts. For me, quantity more often is better than quality. Because the more repetition I practice in things, or train for it’ll cancel out being reset. I want to be able to effortlessly write quality so the more extensive the better. As I stand, I continuously never feel I can sustain or stay in one place long but that’s not in another it’s because of my inability to remain like I’m giving them my everything. Or gifting it. I cannot ever put in real words or meaning when it matters, and I often just push away or out those who matter, I always act when it’s too late. And, due to this, I’ve failed and failed, and failed. It’s under that pressure, anxiety builds, the dam breaks, and suddenly, no matter what you set out to do or the purpose, it’s for not. Then like many in this abyss, you don’t even try anymore, or become almost weightless. Or you reunite back to where often it starts, alone. And maybe that’s just where I’m destined to perform within as recommended by the closest. And I don’t say any of that for sympathy or edginess. This is just finding identification. Writing is the only avenue I eventually even am able to convey my truths or show my authenticity. In us lies world’s only we witness within our minds. Only able to be written and given life by you to allow others a sharing. So I know there’s many factors that can discourage but do unleash, only you can ever bring that light. Even should my pen ever be hollowed, I assure you my heart does roar. With each word and thing I do, there’s a heartbeat. So hopefully this all covers a lot of the missing tags I never got too. Thanks for the inclusions, invitations, whether FC’s, dungeons, weddings. They weren’t unseen and the inbox of asks, either chain’s or otherwise, and love, support, hell even if there’s any resentment or hate out there for me and disdain, any emotion I gladly absorb, It’s all energy. That sustains my well-being. With all this cleansing, it’s probably better I go on reserved with RP and maybe just discontinue altogether. Outside of the long-term people or other’s who can even tolerate my insanity, I’m probably just one-shots, shorts, erotics, shipping, or hashing established out already RP. Or like in the case of few people already if there’s deep interest can just include when I do stories. Been getting few people that join Crew regarding things and I just work on giving them mentions and inclusions or figure out what they’d partake in. Centering myself out and creating so many Crewmates and antagonists and things, gives a lot of balance. Especially with hyper imagination. Hard to ever feel empty. Not nearly good or reliable enough, for long-term. Though I’ll keep practicing forward, I’ve managed to improve greatly compared to where I first began. With the right mindset and psyche, I’ve found there’s little I cannot conquer. In my hope’s one day, I’ll make my destination. You gave me a beautiful world to know and hold. Stay precious, life.

#This is just essentially a Mun - About Me #OOC stuff #Updates #Sorry for the month's gone #Soul searching courage

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camxnoel-updates · 4 years

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Hardship happens fast, recovery is a slow process.

‘’Look, I’m an extremely private person. I generally shy away from sharing personal information, especially sensitive or vulnerable parts of my life. I feel like many actors are this way, opting to reveal their emotional centers through the lens of character and performance rather than in black and white. But I’ve got nothing but time during the Great Pause of our World, the corona days. I’m well aware my personal story is not a tale of hardship or woe even close to the level of a worldwide pandemic, but perhaps someone may hear my story and appreciate it.

A little over six months ago, I was playing soccer. A break up that led to an emotionally draining on-again-off-again relationship dynamic had finally ended for good a couple days prior. Perhaps this was why I was trying to distract myself so heavily with athletics. I can’t say for certain, but maybe I overworked and weakened my leg with constant running, jumping, twisting. I had played tennis earlier this particular Sunday morning, went for a run, and still felt restless. So I hopped into a pickup soccer match.

It’s incredible how quickly fortune can change; priorities shift in mere seconds. An instant can color the rest of your life. This is exactly what happened when I felt soccer cleats on the side of my shin and heard a loud, distinct crack coming from inside my body. My opponent had leaped onto the center of my lower leg in what I’ll phrase charitably as a rough tackle. I felt his foot pass through my body and knew it was broken before I even hit the deck. I looked down to see my leg at very odd and unnatural angles, being held together by my shin guard like a strip of duct tape strangling a bursting pipe.

One 911 call and several shots of fentanyl and morphine later, I was in the back of an ambulance calling the Shameless production office telling them they’re going to need to re-open the writer’s room and make some changes. I was genuinely more upset at this point about my work being affected than my own body. In my nearly twenty years of acting, I had never missed a day on set, no matter how deathly ill I had been. However, my sock and shoe had been snipped off by the paramedics by this point, and I was able to see that the only thing attaching the lower portion of my limb was some muscle and sinew. My foot and ankle had fully turned around 180 degrees and were now facing south. One of my bones poked and prodded under the surface of my skin, desperately trying to make a jailbreak. So I figured I might not be able to film that scene the next morning.

An x-ray revealed that both my tibia and fibula, two of the largest and slowest healing bones in the body, had snapped cleanly in half. By this point I had called some of the people closest to me. I can’t describe the relief I felt as my friends, my makeshift family, filtered in and out of the hospital room. The warmth and calm that washed over me at the site of their faces accomplished what all the opioids had failed to do. They brought clothes and toiletries, they told jokes, they held my hand.

It took three nurses holding me down and two doctors to twist my leg back around and wrench it into place. A few days later, they cut me open and installed a 16 inch titanium rod through the center of my bone, bolted securely into place. Few more days and I was released from the hospital. I stayed at my manager’s house and later with my angel of a coworker, Shanola Hampton, and her family.

And I gained some perspective. Of what it means to take things for granted. To be able to roll a garbage can to the curb, or pick up a napkin which has fallen to the ground, or hop out of bed without excruciating pain. Life is delicate, health is fragile, and we’re all a bunch of pressurized bags of squishy meat with very limited expiration dates.

To be able to leap and dance and roughhouse is so much of who I am. Up to this point, I had considered it integral to my identity, my fundamental personhood. Physical autonomy is a privilege most able-bodied people don’t even realize they have. And as I had mentioned before, I’m a very private person. Moreover, I view myself as extremely self-sufficient and self-reliant. And there was no worse vulnerability than having to lean on other people for help (sometimes literally.) Yet here I was in this situation, where basic chores and tasks were no longer accomplishable without my friends. My beautiful friends.

And it truly hit me. The importance of community. The value of being there for people when they need you, and of accepting support when you need it. No man is an island. Who we are is not only defined by what we do but also the people who we choose to fill our lives with. There’s nothing like a little suffering to boost your empathy. My injury wasn’t even that serious in the scheme of things, but I gained a greater appreciation for the people who stepped up for me during this time, and recognized some of the people who didn’t. Choose kindness, fill your life with people who value the right things.

I wish I could say that it was a linear line of positivity, progress, and healing from there. I wish I could say that I never relapsed, never felt bitter. Most days were good. But some days I wallowed in self-pity, I drank, I hated the misfortune with a bitter passion. The banality of not being able to do the things you want can ache with a boring dullness that stings far more than the initial hurt of the injury itself. But eventually I learned new ways to entertain myself, placed greater importance on other pursuits and shifted my priorities. I’m thankful for the last half of a year simply for opening my eyes to the obvious things I had been missing.

Now, six months of physical therapy and personal training and healthy living later, and I am almost fully recovered. Yesterday I walked for 5 miles, jogged up hills, even sprinted a few times. It still hurts a bit, but I’m almost fully back. And I have faith I’ll be completely on my feet (bad pun) in the next couple months.

I guess that’s why I wanted to share this story. The world is injured right now. People are hurting and dying in an exceptional and awful way, the economy is in bad shape, many people’s jobs are on the line. So much of the things we so easily took for granted are not currently available to us. I hope the Earth takes this time to shift its priorities, to understand the joys of simple things we cannot currently do like going to a restaurant with friends or hugging your relatives. I hope if people have the means, they can give to those suffering in some way. I hope we as a nation choose kindness, charity, and positivity during this period. I hope we don’t rush this or selfishly leave our homes when we shouldn’t. I hope we protect those most vulnerable.

Healing requires time, it demands patience. This all happened suddenly. But that’s the thing: Hardships happen fast, recovery is a slow process.’’

via Cameron Monaghan’s blog.

#wow!!#this made me cry #i love him sm #cameron monaghan #shameless #shameless us #star wars #jedi fallen order #star wars jedi fallen order #cal kestis #gotham #jerome valeska #jeremiah valeska #mr j #the joker

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onestowatch · 3 years

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Oston Pens Her Coming-of-Age Story on ‘Am I Talking Too Much? [Q&A]

Photos: Dolly Ave at Lollapalooza

Rising star OSTON is no longer sitting at the kids' table. In her new EP, Am I Talking Too Much?, the singer-songwriter puts her fears, frustrations, and deepest thoughts on display. It’s a victorious display of emotion sonically paired with massive pop moments, an ethereal interlude, impressively sharp lyricism, and so much more.

Am I Talking Too Much?, which has been in the works since 2019, has forged a path through a time of tough life lessons, self-realization, and most importantly confidence. The project navigates topics such as the pressures of growing up and the universal fear of falling in love in just eight poignant tracks. Overall, the EP tells OSTON’s coming-of-age story, learning when to not take things seriously and gaining the ability to spot those who underestimate her tenacity.

We had the chance to chat with OSTON about the making of the EP, what it means to her, and an exclusive track-by-track breakdown.

Tell us about what’s different this time around, versus making your debut EP, Sitting at the Kids Table?

Am I Talking Too Much? feels astronomically different from my debut EP in so many ways. When we were making my first project, Sitting at the Kids Table, I was really focused on creating a project and getting it out into the world rather quickly. The songs were written and produced with a very fast turnaround, and because I was so new to the industry, I was more than okay with that.

After that project came out, I started really digging into my artistry. Since Am I Talking Too Much? was written over the course of two-and-a-half-ish years, I got to choose exactly which songs I felt described this second chapter of my musical life. I went through some huge life changes while writing this EP, and I think that’s very apparent in the story arch of this project.

Taking “last time pt. II” into consideration, do you feel Am I Talking Too Much? is a continuation of the topics explored in Sitting at the Kids Table or does it exist in your head as a separate entity entirely?

This EP feels like an entirely new chapter of my life, just as I hope the next generation of music I put out can serve as something completely new. This project follows me on a journey of moving away from home, shedding toxic relationships and old layers that used to hold me back, and learning not to define myself by how others view me (or at least trying not to). Other than the name “last time pt. ii,” the two songs live as their own entities, and I’m really excited for listeners to discover that.

You have some special collaborators who worked on the EP, can you tell us about your creative journey with everyone who helped this project come to life?

I was lucky enough to get to work with some of my closest friends and collaborators on this project, which is part of the reason it’s so special to me. My boyfriend, Drew, executive produced the whole project (with me staring over his shoulder the whole time). Our great friend, Nydge, came in on two of the songs (“Am I Talking Too Much?” and “Sour”) to help spice up the direction a bit. I also co-wrote a few of the songs with my friends JORDY, lixa, and Mr. Popular—who all helped bring the crazy stories inside my head to life.

What are some of your goals for 2021, if any? Or are you just taking things day by day?

2021 has been an absolutely crazy year for me so far, and I’m lucky enough to say that I’ve already reached a lot of the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year. For starters, finishing up and releasing this EP has been an enormous box on my to-do list, so finally having it out in the world is a huge accomplishment in itself.

Last weekend, I experienced a crazy, unexpected run of shows – I opened for Omar Apollo at the Metro in Chicago for a Lollapalooza aftershow, and then stepped into the official lineup of Lollapalooza on Friday at the Lake Shore Stage. I hadn’t even imagined playing my first music festival for another year or two! Another bucket list goal of mine has been to go on a support tour with another artist, and I’ll be joining my great friend JORDY on his “Mind Games” tour in the fall!

What do you want listeners to take away from listening to Am I Talking Too Much?

If you listen to this EP and take anything with you, I hope it’s the understanding that there is always room to make mistakes, and nobody ever gets everything right the first time around. We all live through our own tragedies, and that’s what makes us the badass people that we are.

Would you mind breaking down each track on the project for us?

“Am I Talking Too Much?”

This was actually the first song we wrote for this project. At the time, I was thinking it would just be a single, but I could never get over the idea of a whole body of work called “Am I Talking Too Much?.” It just felt so fitting with who I am as a person.

The concept came from a date where I was talking with this guy, and he turned to me and said, “Wow, you sure talk a lot don’t you?” I walked away reflecting on how talking “too much” and overthinking are such big characteristics of mine. But, it’s also a part of what makes me who I am, and I realized that maybe the people who love and accept me for that are the people I really want in my life anyways.

“Hypocrite!”

“Hypocrite!” was such a fun and quick one to write that came from one day in the studio with the amazing writer/producer Mr. Popular. We started talking and joking about the stereotypical “shitty ex” that gaslights you and tries to make you think that everything they do is somehow your fault. It was particularly fun and therapeutic for me because I got to pull from multiple different relationships throughout my life to create this one sort of evil, hypocritical character as the star of the song.

“I Think You Should Leave”

Man, I love this song. It’s such a fun one! I’ve never really let myself get as pop as I did with this one. Drew and I really just aimed to have a fun time writing this one and wanted it to be as out-there as it could. I’d call this the “party anthem” of the project, telling off all the haters and mansplainers. This is the song that gets the most hate on social media, and it’s quite funny to me that the main group of people getting angry online are exactly the demographic we wrote it about.

“Lie About You”

“Lie About You” was the last song written for this project. In all reality, the song was never supposed to see the light of day. After I got the demo back, I actually really hated the song and it felt way too personal and on-the-nose with what I was going through to ever release.

I don’t know what willed me to throw the demo up on TikTok (maybe it was the fact I was visiting home, drinking wine, and feeling sappy as per usual) but the next morning I woke up to a viral video and thousands of people asking me to release the song for real. That same day I was supposed to announce “I Think You Should Leave,” but my management called me and was like “Dude, we’ve gotta finish this one and put it out like, tomorrow.” and that’s exactly what we did!

“Hurt Like___”

“Hurt Like___” came at a time when I wanted to write something really sad and emotional, even though that wasn’t how I was actually feeling in the moment. I decided to write this alternate ending for my relationship with Drew—one where I had let my fear of things going wrong take over. I wrote the story of our breakup and how I thought I would’ve felt if we ended things when I moved to LA, instead of continuing to date long-distance and then eventually move in together. I’ve actually never written a song from this point of view before, so it was pretty challenging, but so worth it.

“How To Feel Human”

JORDY, Drew and I wrote this on a little trip to Drew’s old Chicago studio in the middle of the pandemic. We all had a little pink wine (this was also the same week that we wrote “Tomorrow” for JORDY’s project, so clearly we were feeling pretty sappy) and we started reminiscing about how easy things used to be when we were younger and living at home with our parents – even though it didn’t always seem like it back then.

We realized that as you get older and move away from your upbringing, the idea of “home” starts to become less and less clear. You start to find “home” in the places you move to and the people you surround yourself with, and the childhood memories of “home” sort of start to fade into the distance. It’s a pretty somber topic, but when you surround yourself with the right people, it makes growing up a whole lot easier.

“last time pt. II”

All I’ll say about this one is that Drew and I wrote it before our very first date. It was kind of our way of saying goodbye to the people in our lives that were holding us back, and realizing what we had sitting right in front of us. This song makes me wanna cry every time I hear it.

“Sour”

Sour is my unapologetically-honest diary entry to myself. Funny enough, this record actually started out in a completely hyper-pop direction with massive synths and drums, but I couldn’t get any of the lyrics or melodies to make sense. When we went back in and stripped it down to just piano vocals, this whole story started flowing out of me. I started asking myself why I treat myself the way that I do, and similarly, why society encourages us to be so critical of ourselves and one another.

I wanted to pay tribute in this song to one of my biggest musical inspirations, which is the Melodrama album by Lorde and Jack Antonoff. The outro bit of the song deviates away from the piano/vocal vibe and shifts into a very musical, ethereal space. This is where the project starts to culminate and become blurry—I wanted this bit to feel like a conclusion to the chaos of the seven songs that came before it.

Ending the song with the words “but I gotta go” felt like the best parting gift as I left to start another chapter of my musical life.

#oston #interview #am I talking too much?#singer songwriter #pop

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babbushka · 3 years

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Hi Z! I‘ve been in a weird emotional situation lately and I thought you might be able to give me some advice. I got accepted into the most prestigious university in my country, it has an incredibly low acceptance rate and all that and I worked my entire school life to get into this uni. I started studying there in 2019 and everything started going downhill from there. I was (and I still am) a straight A student but I also got diagnosed with Panic Disorder and am in the process of being assessed for Bipolar, I relapsed into my ED really bad and overall worked myself to the brink and beyond complete exhaustion, but I still loved going to this university. Then Covid hit. This uni is quite a while away from where I grew up and Covid seriously affected my living situation at uni and combined with my mental state, I transfered universities to one that‘s a bit closer to home. The thing now is that I feel like a complete failure for voluntarily leaving this extremely prestigious university where I was getting amazing grades and that I loved, to go to a relatively unknown university although it made the logistics of living life during Covid and with mental illness a bit easier. I feel like I gave up, because I have this huge issue of tying my self worth to academic success and especially prestige, which is why I‘m so devastated over leaving my first uni. Any advice?

Hello my dear anon, before I say anything else please let me make one thing very clear: I’m proud of you. Wholly and completely proud of you. Not because you got into the uni or maintained your grades (although those are amazing accomplishments) but because you recognized that it wasn’t working, that it was becoming impossible to maintain, and you redirected yourself to a path that is less detrimental. There is immense courage in that, there is bravery in that, in putting yourself first.

As someone who comes from a family who prioritizes academia over just about everything else (it has always been expected that myself and my brother are getting at least one PhD), I know the pressure that comes with doing well in school. I have been where you are -- sure my life may be hell but at least I have straight As, and that’s what matters right? No.

Well, maybe it matters in the moment, because of course we want to do our best, but I promise you, 5 years from now, 10 years, 30 years, you won’t even remember those classes that you took, no one will ask you what your GPA was. They’ll ask about your experiences if anything, because in life it is the experiences we go through that help carry us down the road. And my dear anon, experience comes from everywhere and anywhere.

You are worth more than your grades. In fact, your worth has absolutely nothing to do with your grades. It has nothing to do with where you go to school, or how well you do there. It doesn’t matter if you go to a prestigious school, or a local community school -- what matters is that you are making the right decisions for you.

Capitalism loves to push the narrative that prestigious schools are better than community or local schools. They love to perpetuate the idea that it is Elite and that means it’s Better. Take it from me, that’s not true. It’s just more expensive. It’s just more pressure.

I went to a very intense, very expensive specialized graduate school known for being one of the best in my country for the field I was majoring in. High acceptance rate but with the caveat that all the classes were designed to “weed out the weak.” They were purposefully impossibly difficult, each class expecting students to do about 40 hours of work on our own time, failing us if we didn’t meet those expectations.

We had three suicides in one semester. With two weeks left in my final semester, I was almost the 4th. And when I realized things were getting so bad, I spoke to my professors and they all came to the conclusion that suffering through immeasurable pain for a grade is not worth it. So I stuck out those last two weeks, graduated, and I left and I never looked back.

My career isn’t even in the thing I almost killed myself over. Life has a funny way of never going the way that we anticipate it going; I thought I was 100% destined to open my own stop motion animation studio, but now I write full length feature films and this is my true calling.

Things change, paths change, doors are always opening around you even when others are slammed shut. One closed door is not the end, and it does not define you. I know me saying that doesn’t magically flip a switch to make you believe it, but I am living proof that it’s true.

You are not a failure. You are not a quitter. You were in a situation where you put yourself first. And that is always, always the right decision, no matter how painful it may feel right now. I am sending you all of my love.

#cw: suicide #<3333 #sorry this was long #i just have so many thoughts about this sort of thing #love you honey<33 #Anonymous

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prettywordsyouleft · 3 years

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Hi. I ask for advice. Is it wrong if I haven’t posted any real writing in like two years? I feel really bad, but I also just don’t have any motivation or any original ideas… like I want to write more but yeah. Also if I can be honest I feel like I won’t get anything in return? So that doesn’t help.

Hey thanks for feeling safe enough to reach out for advice here.

1. Define real writing. Writing is writing to me, regardless if it's three punchy sentences to 3k words. As long as you're putting out words you've strung together, it's writing. Don't overload the concept between drabbles / practice writing / fanfiction / novel prep / original writing etc. It's all a form of creativity under the same umbrella.

2. Do not beat yourself up! That's the number one reason you won't write. I did that for two years, and honestly, it's not good for your psyche to be so hard on yourself. The words you want to release won't string together nicely if you're telling yourself that you cannot do it to begin with.

3. Original ideas? What's that? Chances are even if I sat here and went, "oh my god, I've come up with this clever little idea all on my own!" someone out there in this world will have something really similar that they too thought was their original idea. Who is in the wrong? No one. Everyone has read/seen something that has inspired them to write about it. So take the pressure off your shoulders to do something original. Just write.

4. Prompt sites are your friends. Did you know last night, as I was writing drabbles, for one story in particular, I had no idea what to write? So I searched up prompts and was inspired off something I found but took it a different route than the actual prompt. I'm a huge believer that writing isn't meant to be hard and if seeing a prompt makes the wheels turn in your head, then I highly suggest you snap that prompt up and start writing about it! This is why I run @challengingwords because I know how handy prompts can be for all types of writers!

5. Drabbles are also key. At least to me. Don't try and start out with something grand. Your comeback doesn't need to be 5k words long. My first story after my two years away from it was I think only 109 words long? The brain is a creature of comfort and routine. Use this to your advantage and create a consistent pattern with writing that's not overbearing to begin with, and it produces the feeling of accomplishment. I have a whole segment about this on my writing tips blog that you can read about: Drabbles | Motivation Tools

6. Validation. That's my biggest weakness too. I love to receive feedback and when I don't get what maybe I hoped for, I get a little moody and think "what did I do wrong" or "I guess only I liked it". It would be ignorant for me to say that it doesn't matter if no one reads it or not, write for yourself! Because writing generally is done to have an audience and if I was writing just for myself all the time, well, I doubt I've had the masterlist that I do. However, it is important to understand why you want to write. What is it that you want to achieve with writing? Look at what your options are and pick the most realistic. If all those answers relate to having an audience, then I think you need to reevaluate what writing means to you. You will be your first reader of what you write. So try and think about what you'd love to read and go from there.

I hope you don't see me as being harsh. I want you to forget about the doubt and just try it out! Don't put so much on your shoulders that it hurts your fingers to even type. Just enjoy the process and have fun with it.

And if you ever feel comfortable doing so, send your story my way. I'll always be here to read and support others! I don't always have the time to keep up with every blog I follow, but if people alert me to their work, I always make an effort to support them <3

#pwyl; answered #pwyl; writing tips

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fykimtaehyung · 5 years

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[ARTICLE] Break the Internet: BTS

PAPER: What's the greatest challenge you've faced as a group, and how did you overcome it?

RM: Seven grown men always staying close together and experiencing work and life at the same time means that we come face to face with numerous contradictions and differences. But I think we overcame that by working on understanding and caring for each other over time.

Suga: Seven men with different values living together was not easy. It was difficult for all of us to focus our thoughts on one single point, but looking back, they are all good memories.

J-Hope: There was a time when we fought each other quite a bit because we all came from different backgrounds and our personalities were so different. But we were able to overcome that after frequently talking to each other and living together for a long time. We now know what each of us are thinking just by looking at each other.

Jimin: Because each member was so different, I think it was hard for everyone to understand each other. But we didn't give up, and now we are a team where each member is irreplaceable.

Jungkook: When something I said or did caused an issue or made people feel disappointed, I realized that I should think twice before I do anything, and not forget where I am, no matter what situation I may be in.

If you could switch talents with one of your bandmates for 24 hours, who would you choose and why?

RM: I would like to dance like J-Hope just for one day. What would that feel like?

Jin: V's ability to memorize choreography. I want to say to RM, "Have you already forgotten [the moves]?"

Suga: RM — I want to be good at English.

J-Hope: Suga's amazing producing skills!!!

Jimin: J-Hope's smiley face. Looking at J-Hope, I think his smiley face is really adorable.

V: I want to borrow RM's brain and make a whole bunch of songs.

Jungkook: RM. I want to write really nice lyrics and have deeper thoughts.

Do you ever feel pressured, in the face of global fame, to present yourselves a certain way to the world? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed to be “perfect"?

RM: It would be untruthful if I said there was no pressure. Still, on stage I want to do really well.

Jin: I try to keep myself on the right lane.

Suga: I would not be telling the truth if I said there's no pressure. But what can you do? Pressure is also one part of life.

J-Hope: I can't say we don't. These days, I feel like I live with a sense of mission. Rather than thinking, “It has to be perfect!," I do what I have to do, making sure I remember the really important and fundamental things and trust that the results will follow.

Jimin: All things aside, I always think that I have to show a performance that is at least close to perfection for everyone who comes to see our performance.

V: I feel the pressure of showing a performance that is close to perfection, but I also think that being natural is important, too.

Jungkook: The pressure is always there. But I want to show them that I am improving.

Is there any advice you wish you could give your younger selves?

RM: If you're debating whether to go or not, go.

Jin: Jin, study English!

Suga: Please study English.

J-Hope: When things get tough, look at the people who love you! You will get energy from them.

Jimin: Silence is golden. Don't waste time.

V: You worked hard! [Pat on the back.]

Jungkook: Don't lose the people beside you because of your mistakes and wrongs. And live [your life] to the fullest.

You recently took an extended vacation in order to rest and get some relaxation after a long span of releases and promotions. How did you spend your vacation?

RM: I slept, worked out and went to art museums quite a lot. I went to Jeju Island, Venice, Vienna and Copenhagen.

Jin: I played games at home. I also went fishing with Suga.

Suga: I focused on resting and worked on some songs. It was a time [for] looking back at myself.

J-Hope: I went to film the music video for "Chicken Noodle Soup." I felt and learned a lot of things! I can't call it a rest time, but it was a meaningful time. After that, I came back home, I had good food and rested well. I also played with my puppy.

Jimin: I just kept on the move and went to a bunch of places. It was an opportunity to think about [the group] in the past and in the future.

V: I took a good rest. It was an eat-play-sleep routine.

Jungkook: I worked on music.

Are there any music styles you haven't tried yet as a group that you're excited to dip into in the future?

RM: I want to show our various sides that reflect the progression of our age as well as our emotions and sensibilities.

Jin: I want to try something in the genre of rock. I think it will come out great because our members are pretty charismatic.

Suga: There are so many I don't know which one to say. There's plenty of things to show you, so please look forward to it.

J-Hope: Now it feels like BTS is just BTS. Whichever [style of] music or performance, it comes out in BTS style.

Jimin: There are so many things I want to try, but I don't want to be too specific about it.

V: I want to try doing music in the style of Conan Gray or "All Tinted."

Jungkook: It's different from time to time. I just hope I can widen my vocal spectrum regardless of what that might be.

Your fans, ARMY, are one of the most passionate, mobilized music fanbases in the world, especially on social media. How would you define what makes your fanbase so special?

BTS: It's an honor that people around the world love our music and messages. It seems like there's no language barrier. We think that ARMY helped us spread our music across the world. All of this would have not been possible without ARMY.

Another theme in your music is dreams. With all the heaviness of the world today, do you think dreams help people find meaning and ambition to move forward amid uncertain times?

RM: We just hope that we can be of help. We did say that you don't have to dream, but living a life without dreams or hope would be quite dim, wouldn't it? I think everyone needs motivation and milestones in order to move. Whatever that may be, we want to be of help, even a little, for them to move forward.

So many of your dreams have come true since you'd made your debut: No. 1 albums around the world, sold-out stadium tours, Grammys and U.S. award shows, becoming the first Korean music group to perform on Saturday Night Live…What new dreams have sparked for each of you now that you have these accomplishments crossed off the list?

RM: I want to head in a straight path without losing sight of what I feel now. [I want to] keep our passion burning bright and walk straight.

Jin: I talk to Producer Bang quite often about how we should work together for a happy life. How to live happily...I think about that frequently.

Suga: I would like to have a hobby since I never had one. I would love to have a lifelong hobby.

J-Hope: To stay healthy! So that we can keep doing what we're doing now!!!

Jimin: I know that many people are cheering for us for who we are now. I think about how those people would love seeing our new, better music and performances. What I'm trying to say is, my dream is to show them more performances and better music for a long, long time.

V: They're not new dreams, but dreams that we never imagined could achieve. I'd like to keep them going.

Jungkook: I wouldn't want anything more than to keep doing music and performances just like now.

What do you hope to get better at or improve upon?

RM: Dancing! And knowing "myself."

Jin: I hope that the team always gets along and everyone is happy.

Suga: Without a question, English.

J-Hope: Our team's health! And happiness! They are the path to growth!

Jimin: I want to be good at what I am currently doing.

V: I want to widen my spectrum and become an artist who has a variety of talents.

Jungkook: If I had a chance to improve every aspect of myself, then I would work hard to make it happen rather than just sitting idly by.

Your fans, ARMY, are one of the most passionate, mobilized music fanbases in the world. How would you define what makes your fanbase so special?

What music is exciting you right now? What's on your personal playlists?

RM: I'm listening to Post Malone's latest album.

Jin: Taylor Swift's “ME!" The song has a bright energy, so my mood is lifted when I listen to it. I want to try that kind of music, too.

Suga: Post Malone's “Circles."

J-Hope: I listen to older songs these days: The Fugees' “Killing Me Softly" and Cheryl Lynn's “Got to Be Real."

Jimin: I prefer songs that fill me with emotions. Nowadays, I listen to our song “Jamais Vu."

V: I'm listening to DaBaby's new album.

Jungkook: I'm listening to Jang Beom June's songs these days.

What did it mean for your album to be nominated at the 2019 Grammy Awards for Best Recording Package?

BTS: It truly was an honor. We were happy to be invited as presenters to such a big show, with such great musicians. We also became members of the Recording Academy this year. We hope to be invited to the show next year as well.

The importance and power of “loving yourself" is a cornerstone of the BTS message, in your lyrics, speeches, music videos and beyond. But when and how did the notion of self-love become something you were all so passionate about?

BTS: Our LOVE YOURSELF series bears the message that “loving yourself is the beginning of true love." The “love" that we aim to convey can be both the individual experience and a message to our society today. We once saw somewhere that “being able to love is also an ability. If you don't love yourself, you can never love anyone else." Reflecting on the ways you love yourself, we thought that this question could give the answer for many different aspects. We wanted to focus on that searching process and find the answers. [We] think LOVE YOURSELF has a positive impact. [We] also ask ourselves, “Do I really love myself?" So, [we] looked back one more time and put that notion into the lyrics.

What are the key differences in performing for audiences back home vs. elsewhere in the world?

BTS: Fans all over the world are cheering for us. We get on stage with the mindset to give them the best performance. Every occasion to meet our fans is important and meaningful.

How has social media and the Internet impacted the way you're able to reach listeners?

BTS: We like communicating with our fans. We communicated [with them online] even before our debut. Fans enjoy it and so do we. Our Weverse app was launched recently, which is a platform for our fans. We can see their messages and leave comments there. We feel that the whole world is truly connected as one through social media. Language is not a big barrier anymore, and we think that with good music, sincere messages and the effort to communicate, fans from all around the world will show their love.

What can you share about any upcoming new music?

BTS: We are currently practicing and working on new songs so we can show you the best sides of ourselves. Please look forward to it.

#191120 #taehyung #v #bts #bangtan #t: interview #t: article

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theonceoverthinker · 5 years

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I don’t know what your rules are for these so I apologize in advance but I lowkey just,,like if there was a reading version binged watched I did that with your fair game hcs. I just couldn’t stop myself. Tho I had question.How do you view clovers semblance and like his history with it? I’ve seen a lot with how he never got credit because of it but I also read a really interesting one where his good luck was only for him. Meaning if he got lucky because others got hurt,it would work out.Thoughts?

119. The one where Jenna gives this anon a semb-CHANCE!

First off, thank you for your patience throughout these many, many months as well as your binge read of my HC’s! When people do that and tell me, it just lights up my world! Second, I want to apologize for how long this took. I am very sorry for this extended wait for this HC. Honestly, these HCs are seldom planned, and sometimes, what you want to write and what your mind is letting you write are vastly different things. But with today’s theme lining up with this ask and given that I had more time today to dedicate to it, I wanted to try to finally deliver it onto you in order to make up for the wait! Btw, tagging @fair-game-week !

With that all out of the way, let’s get to it!

Part of why this HC was so difficult to write comes down to the fact that there are so many great already existing HC’s about Clover’s relationship to his semblance, and I love them all, and I wanted to create a take that didn’t feel like it completely copied off someone else, and that I could add enough of my own spin to it.

I love crying at ones where Clover holds resentment towards his semblances – ones where Clover’s luck only applies to him and may have let him survive in circumstances where his family and friends could not, ones where Clover’s had to fight for credit for his every victory on the basis of his own merits, ones where his team neglected his well being because of his semblance, and others of that ilk!

But I also love ones where Clover is just a well-adjusted adult who had a decent family life, and was able to figure out how to best handle a very fortunate, albeit situationally tricky, semblance because while it’s very simple, it allows for complexity to come to Clover as he Qrow compare their incredibly different lives. There’s compelling drama there, too.

Ultimately, though, here’s what I landed on…which you can see under the cut because this ran long!

I think Clover stumbled upon his semblance at a relatively young age (10, maybe). When it happened, things were good for the first few years. Those in his life embraced his semblance, and he was happy. After all, even if his semblance lacked control like Qrow’s did, he didn’t really have enemies who would benefit from good luck at his expense, so there wasn’t all that much negative to deal with.

But then somewhere around age 13-16, things changed. Clover’s a very talented, smart, and chipper guy, and I think that while Clover was never a jerk about his semblance (Or at least not to any harmful degree), there were a lot of teenagers that would be intimidated by someone who seemed so perfect (I know I’d have been back then – heck, jealousy is something I’m still working on). So when he was a teenager, some jerk in his class brought up the idea that Clover’s semblance was the reason for all his successes after one too many of Clover’s accomplishments made them jealous. And because high school (Or Atlas’ equivalent of high school) is literal hell, that sentiment quickly spread.

From there, suddenly no one held positive feelings towards his semblance. His peers were no longer all that impressed with his accomplishments. Teachers gave him dirty looks after he scored well on a test the rest of his classmates did poorly on. Coaches felt reluctant to feature Clover in sports.

But no one thought more negatively about Clover’s semblance than Clover himself. Heck, some harsh realities of Clover’s life that he never thought too hard on or ever thought to blame his semblance for might come to light. For a while, he was ashamed of his semblance, and renounced it at every turn. It’s possible he sabotaged or handicapped himself to find some way of showing those around him that he could fail, and that his successes were his own. But it didn’t work.

Clover started to lose hope that anyone would trust him to be anything more than just the product of a not-so-lucky lucky semblance, and it seemed like all hope for a successful life was truly his was gone (Also, note to self: Make a Clover and Weiss’ friendship HC one of these days). He began to believe that as long as he had his semblance holding him back, any dream that he could dare to want for himself would never be a reality.

One day though, something happened to his perspective – the Atlesian Military. I don’t really know how to say this in any way that softens the blow, but I feel like – in keeping with RWBY’s theme of the military being…in need of reforms, to say the least – Clover was basically propaganda’d into not only joining it, but liking his semblance. Just like it was able to appeal to Winter, the girl who desperately wanted an escape from her horrible and powerful father, it was able to appeal to the boy with semblance trust issues by presenting him with a very specific image. That was one of an organization that only allowed those who entered it to rise through the ranks on the basis of their own merits while also not being pressured to hate himself over the benefits that his semblance provided him with because whatever he did would be for the public good, and that’s something that really stuck with Clover. It’s entirely possible that James was one of the recruiters that inspired him too, thus making more sense of the “I trust James with my life” sentiment than 7X12 could’ve ever hoped to have. XD

From then on, Clover’s resolve on his situation took on a new shape, one that didn’t dismiss his semblance, but allowed for him to live with it. He ignored his bullies and those wary of his true abilities, and instead took pride in the now dream job he aspired to have in the military and the belief that those he had met seemed to have in him. And with that new lack of cares given, Clover was able to reignite his own love for his semblance as well as his confidence that his accomplishments were his own even with it, allowing him the strength and freedom needed to learn to better handle and channel his semblance.

Now, when Clover left the military, he definitely had to confront his insecurities over his semblance again because he needed to define that relationship without the military there as a means to bridge that gap.

And I think this is where Qrow comes in, pointing out (In much less sappy terms than I’m about to use) how Clover’s skills still can’t only be contributed to his semblance and those in his life know that, and that while perhaps his semblance did play a part in some ethically precarious circumstances, but it was he who made the decision to leave at the end of the day and strive for something better for both himself and the world at large. Clover absolutely calls Qrow his lucky charm afterwards, and flirting and touching hands and shoulders ensue as the extended team goes to their next location.

…WOW, was that a lot! Fair Game Week, you’ve met your match! XD

Tagging @homokinetic @skybird13 @whipped4qrow @mooksie01 @luck-of-the-caw @xwildangel @solitude-of-stars @magneto-is-neato @o0nashipear0o @unfairgamey @doctorrwby @clover-and-co @megan-atthedisco @wash-my-brain @bisexualdisasterqrow @baelonthebrave @doubledexterity @rwby-things-i-guess @atlas-heartthrob @the-answer-was-bi-klance @compoterie @thuskindlyiboop @oceansquid @transdemion @deltastream21 @mimiori @xya-hunter @delta-altair @genderfluidturtle @roman-torchtwink @subatomictealeaves @drbtinglecannon @saphiralunaris @pretentiouskneecaps @lonelybeep @lemonflavoredpanicattacks

Want to be tagged in future Fair Game HC’s? Of course, you do! So, send me a reply, PM, or ask to be added, and I’ll grant your greatest wish! XD

#fair game #qrow branwen #clover ebi #rwby #fairgameweek2020 #fair game hcs #119 #Anonymous

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daily-dose-of-imagines · 4 years

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𝕄𝕒𝕥𝕔𝕙 𝕌𝕡♡

Can I get a Kuroko no Basuke matchup please? Also could you make me anonymous? Thanks! :)

Aquarius and INFJ. Enneagram Type 4 & 5 (I’m more of 5, though it’s close). I have a hypersensitive personality and mild social anxiety. I’m very shy and socially awkward, sometimes even to my own family and friends. I’m not very good with keeping conversations; I’m lacking much in the communication department and so I often worry that people get bored with the things I talk about so it’s hard for me to maintain one other than the basic greetings. I have rather low self-esteem. That’s why I avoid being around people a little too much. That and also because I’m quite the loner type. I don’t dislike people (that much) but I usually prefer being alone and doing things alone. I’m mostly serious and quiet, but I can be talkative when I’m conversing with someone I’m very comfortable with about things I like.

By nature I’m very childlike, and generally I have an easy laughter. Although inside I’m a mature thinker and feeler. I’m quite a deep person. I’m very sentimental and melancholic, and very often gets nostalgic about everything that happened in my life. I often think about philosophical ideas, about love, life, and the future.

Only I have grown colder and more distant the past few years; due to my hypersensitive personality, I feel very strongly, which, in its own, is not a negative thing, but coupled with my knack for letting a lot of things get to me, I always let the resulting emotions - whether they’re positive or negative - get the better of me. I easily get hurt and bothered by the slightest things even if they’re not even meant to be thrown negatively in any way. So over the years I’ve forced myself to toughen up and not care too much about things as much as I did before. I have a very short temper and I get irritated, annoyed, and angry too easily and too often, especially when things don’t go my way. I have a tendency to be cruel and harsh to people when it gets too much, sometimes lashing out, or more often giving the silent treatment. I hold grudges, and I shut people out when I want to. Though I never actually say what my problem with them is; they know I’m mad, but have no idea why.

I’m not very good at keeping friends partly because I can’t fully commit myself to a relationship (friendship). I’m good with the initial, light conversation but I don’t find myself being further interested or wanting to get too attached. It’s most probably because I’m too much of a loner; I value and need my personal space too much. It’s not that I don’t like clingy people. I simply don’t like being disturbed or demanded of my time and attention, especially when I’m doing something. And also possibly because my interest in something/someone has a tendency to waver.

I’m a coward above all things. I’m way too scared to step out of my comfort zone. That’s why I avoid confrontations and fears as much as possible. When things start to become too much for me, I tend to escape, thus my preference to be alone and separated from the rest of the world. When things start to get a little complicated, always, my first option is to leave everything behind and run away. I’m terrible at commitments, and I’m too anxious of responsibilities, especially those that come with adulthood. I’m also not very keen on entertaining new ideas and concepts because I want to deal only with what’s already established and, more importantly, what I’m familiar with.

I’m dramatic, a worrier, and an overthinker. There’s a part of me that wants to please other people and have them accept me. Sometimes I even tend to act a little out of character because I think people would find the real me uninteresting and boring - though it doesn’t mean I succumb to drastic measures just for that (when it comes to relating with others, I may oftentimes feel that I’m not good enough, but if it’s just me and myself, I acknowledge and accept who I am, and there are certain aspects of myself that I’m quite proud of, too). I only try to be more agreeable, I guess. I fear rejection, so I tend to reject others before they can reject me. This, along with anger and indifference, are my defense mechanisms.

I’m also prideful. I never want others to see me hurt or cry. I don’t apologize as well. I used to be able to express my emotions well, but after I allowed myself to change it’s really hard to express even positive emotions now. Since I barely talk especially when I’m not in the mood, to others I appear to be absorbed in my own world and have an I-don’t-care attitude, and to an extent, they’re right. I’m usually cooped up in my room (I can spend a whole day without talking to anyone, just reading anything or surfing the net). I care for very few things in life, but when I care about something, I care a lot deep inside. I just very seldom act on those feelings.

I have a very defiant attitude; unless it’s an official rule that needs to be followed, I dislike complying with the norms or trends for two reasons: one, I simply like being different, and two, I’m not interested. I don’t like the mainstream at all. One thing that greatly defines my personality is I dislike being ordered around, demanded of anything, or looked down upon, no matter who it is. I don’t like being expected of something because I hate being pressured (when I’m working under pressure it’s either I’ll yield good results, or I’ll mess up big time, end up not accomplishing anything, and run away). When I don’t approve of something, most likely (if it can be helped) I would refuse to do it. For me, unless I feel there’s a need to surrender to the situation, no means an absolute “no.” When I make up my mind about something, nobody can sway me into thinking otherwise. I don’t appreciate being told what to do - if I’m going to do something for other people, it has to be of my own will. I’m not good at taking orders and requests from people. And unless I asked for it or it’s really necessary, I don’t listen (or at least follow) to advice either. I’m prideful as well in this sense. I like to take credit and responsibility for every good and bad thing that happen in my life. If I fail, it’s my own fault. If I succeed, it’s mostly because I made the right decisions for myself.

On the brighter side of things (me), underneath, my old self hasn’t abandoned me completely. I used to be a generally sweet and caring person, I still am sometimes when I’m not annoyed with someone or something. I’m the youngest in the family, so it makes me really happy (and feel somewhat proud and accomplished) when I’m the one taking care of people, especially when I’m treated like an older sister and depended on by those younger than me.

When I’m being my nicer self I tend to be very considerate and thoughtful of other people. My perceptiveness and sensitivity allows me to read moods and situations and therefore I can act accordingly. An example of this is when I usually filter what I say depending on the situation and the feelings of the person I’m talking to. I always put myself in their shoes so I’d know what not to do or say. Mostly I try not to do things I wouldn’t want others to do to me. I consider this perceptiveness and sensitivity/awareness of other people’s feelings as well as my own as my strengths. Although most of the time (and this is after I started to change myself), I’m too perceptive to the point of being somewhat cynical and untrusting. I used to see only the good in people, but now I almost always wonder what motivation drives a person to do something good (Is it innate kindness? Or are they doing it just for show?).

I value fairness greatly. I tend to feel disdain towards a person, even if s/he is someone I also love, if that person says or does something I consider demeaning or hurtful towards another person I love. My attitude greatly depends on the attitude of others around me. When people are nice to me or to the people I care about, I act so much nicer to them in return. But when they’re being mean, I tend to be meaner and harsher. So it’s either I’m too nice or I’m too evil, it’s both on the extremes.

I tend to be quite protective of everything I love - from my family (this is especially true with my mom) down to my pets. That’s why sometimes my nicer self still feels guilty for shutting them out. Despite being a colder person now, I still have a tendency to feel guilty or be moved very easily when I feel that someone in the family is emotionally troubled, so even if I wasn’t originally in the mood to do anything involving people (or I was initially pissed off with him/her), I still try my best to offer some sort of comfort by “trying” to bond/spend time with the person (try, because I can’t make conversations to save my life so sometimes it just turns awkward, but yeah, at least I’m there). When I feel like being a good, loving daughter, I volunteer to do things for them so they would be spared from the burden of doing the chore themselves (on my own will, not taking requests).

I’m very passionate about a current interest or hobby of mine and am very devoted and loyal to it. I’m single-minded to the point of obsession, so I can only be interested in ONE thing in a period of time. When I like a certain something, my complete attention is focused into it - it’s like zoning in on it - and I can’t be bothered to care for anything else. I have a fairly short attention span though and I easily get swayed as well so after a few months or a year I’d switch interest and loyalty.

When it comes to something I like, I’m quite the perfectionist - too much so that I’m actually being too obsessive-compulsive about it. On the contrary, I have a tendency to hugely slack off in things which I absolutely hold no interest in. I’m slightly above average in intelligence, but I consider myself wiser rather than intelligent. I can be very sly and manipulative in order to get what I want (I’m excellent at subtlety and I play my cards well). The saying, “If there’s a will, there’s a way,” greatly applies to me. I can find a whole lot of ways to achieve something I really want. Just the same, when I don’t want to do a particular thing, I can come up with a million excuses to put it off until the next century. I tell white lies to save myself. I’m also very stubborn. I’m open-minded about some things which people would normally consider as taboo.

I value love, understanding, fairness, and faithfulness way too much. When it comes to people, I like someone who understands me completely, or at least someone who I feel won’t judge me in any way no matter what silly things I say or do, someone who shares the same interests as I do, or basically just someone whom I feel very much comfortable with. I want someone whom I can completely bare my heart to and have them deeply understand me. I want someone who is respectful and trustworthy, one who is one hundred percent faithful to me, even when I’m not around. My hobbies/passions/interests are watching anime and horror movies, reading manga and novels, writing, surfing the net, collecting action figures and manga of my favorite anime, listening to music, mind games, cooking (only because I enjoy eating), sleeping, and daydreaming. I have a soft spot for dogs. I love thrills (although most of the time I don’t get to actually proceed with doing them because I’m such a careful, paranoid, scaredy-cat).

I greatly dislike people who are judgmental, unfair, arrogant, show-off, sarcastic, and insentive, and girls who care so much about fashion, make-up, and boys more than anything. I dislike violence, and on some occasions where it’s portrayed realistically, it makes me so anxious and uncomfortable (at one time, our class watched a play depicting political dirt, it was completely uncensored and there was just too much violence going on and I felt disturbed and very uncomfortable inside that I was reduced to a crying mess). I fear anything that’s not secure or anything (destructive) that’s out of my control. I don’t like being judged, looked down upon, and being told what to do. I hate it when people use the concept of love so casually. I hate superficial things, especially when they relate to people’s feelings. I run away from responsibilities. I also don’t like any kind of distraction when I’m doing something like reading, writing, or watching.

Regarding physical appearance and how I generally appear to people, I’m very simple, conservative (when it comes to my physical appearance at least, my mind’s way too corrupted by my fandoms), and reserved. I’m pretty formal in my way of speaking, and basically I’m an old-school type of girl. But to everyone who knows me, I’m very childlike, both in the manner of speaking and acting. I grew up being like a child so it’s just natural for me to be seen skipping around the house or acting like an eight-year-old despite being in my mid-20s. That’s why I can relate easily and get along well with my much younger nieces and nephews. I’m around 5'3, slender and small-framed, with wavy black hair and equally black eyes. I wear glasses. My usual get-up are shirts/blouses and jeans. I don’t have interest in girly things like clothes, shoes, and make-up, preferring to shop for books instead.

»»————-　♡　————-««

Hello sweet pea~! Of course, I’ll go ahead and make you anonymous. Thank you for requesting with us and I hope you enjoy the match up I’ve given you~! We really appreciate the support and hope you’ll continue to stick around~!

Without further ado, onto the match up~!

» » Admin Ko

𝕀 𝕊𝕙𝕚𝕡 𝕐𝕆𝕌 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙...

ᴋᴜʀᴏᴋᴏ ᴛᴇᴛꜱᴜʏᴀ

Now, I understand it might’ve been obvious at a first glance, but in reading what you’ve sent in I feel as though he’d practically be the perfect match for you!

Passionate and kind, Kuroko is the observant one within your relationship. He enjoys the real you, despite how ‘boring’ it may seem, after all it’s often said that despite his aloof and lack of presence, his own personality can seem boring in itself. Similar to you, Kuroko is usually caught by himself and at times can prefer to be on his own to better clear his mind and gain a better understanding of what’s going on in the world.

He’s not exactly the best at keeping conversations, but he does immensely enjoy the time he gets to spend with you. To him, merely being in the presence of someone you hold dear is just as good as being able to have a conversation with. He’d most likely try to pursue the type of silence where it’s comfortable between two parties in the same room with no conversation and merely appreciating that the other is there to spend time with them despite working on something else.

Your childlike attitude and easy laughter hold a special place in his heart, and he always reflects back to it whenever he feels down or just needs a simple pick me up. He does worry about you however, with the desire to live the lone wolf life and allowing friendships to fade, he does try to at least invite you to small social gatherings as well as helping to ease any suspicions or clear distrust of others.

Because Kuroko isn’t one to implement anything without good reason, I find that he won’t trigger many episodes that will involve your short temper. Of course he isn’t immune to it, and at times can find a lot of the anger, annoyance, and irritation completely unnecessary, but he slowly works to at least gain a better understanding with you.

The main conflict I do find that may occur is the bluntness and desire for communication from the phantom 6th man. He wants a clear and 2 way relationship where he won’t feel as though he’s working hard alone in maintaining the relationship. He’s patient and will wait for you to open up whenever you feel comfortable, and at times will leave little reminders in his own unique way that he’s there for you and will always support you no matter what.

He really only realizes your fear and immediate takes to fleeing a situation after the first attempt at a confrontation. He’s clearly upset, thinking that you were turning a blind eye to a problem that arose, but takes the time to calm down to think of a better way to approach the situation. He’s the type who wants you to feel comfortable around him, and to be able to communicate easily with him as he does with you.

He understands your desire to be alone a majority of the time and only desires the simple updates via text or call just so he’s aware you’re okay. Loyal and honest to a fault, Kuroko will most definitely not stray from you. However, he will need at least a reminder here and there that you do truly love and care for him.

With him, he at least desires the same amount of effort he’s going to be putting in the relationship, and will most definitely feel hurt if he can clearly see if there is a lack of effort.

Other then that, he’s a complete gentlemen through and through. He’s considerate of the intimacy levels and what you may desire just a tad too much and is always looking for things that fit your hobbies / interests if he happens to be out and about.

If there was one thing Kuroko had to say that he gets hurt by the most within your relationship, it’s most likely the avoidance of one on one communication, the lack of apologizing, and dismissing advice given. He wants to help and at least provide insights as well as a different perspective, but understands the hard ‘no’s that come along.

If there is one thing that he would most desire, it would just be the communication. It doesn’t have to be full blown conversations to him, nor does it need to be interesting. For Kuroko, all he wants is clear concise communication and trust when speaking with you. Through both text and call he just desires honesty and no lies.

#anime matchup #anime imagines #match-ups #matchup #submissions #submission #kuroko no basket matchup #knb match up

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supernoondles · 5 years

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2019

The last day of 2019 was also the day I fainted for the first time--a fitting metaphor for the year.

2019 was overall very emotionally taxing. This year was emotionally defined by falling intensely, deeply in love with someone (who is a very private person so I will try to be vague to respect that) and being in a lot of pain because of situations mostly outside of our control. There were a lot of intensely joyous moments, and a lot of intensely sad ones. Throughout it all I wish I had communicated better. I also made some bad decisions with another person I really loved and cared about that resulted in us growing apart. Do I think I grew from the experiences? For sure. Do I wish I could have come upon these realizations through a different course of action? Also yes. Am I fully healed from the experiences? Not really, but I've been getting better.

2019 was also very bad in terms of research. It was the 2nd year of my PhD. After I submitted my rotation project I basically felt stuck in the swamp of my advisors rejecting new project ideas for like literally half a year. This, combined with my high emotional volatility (partially due to starting birth control), made me really sad, unmotivated, and susceptible to self-blame. I definitely had high expectations for myself and became frustrated at my lack of progress and felt a lot of pressure from myself to get my shit together. I also felt incredibly bad after most advisor meetings and not supported by one of them to the point where I had to have a conversation with him about the lack of support (which was very scary)! Things started picking up, though, near the end of the year. I published a paper in collaboration with a former post-doc/now professor elsewhere whom I learned a lot from, and started finally building out another system. I also started mentoring an undergrad who at some point told me I helped him feel like he had something important to say and belong at Stanford for the first time and those words meant a lot to me. I think I'm continuing to refine what I value as research contributions and increasingly think about what it means to build systems that aren't used outside of the lab to satisfy the annual conference publishing cycle. I'm also starting to feel the pressure of doing work that follows a narrative rather than random projects that interest me.

Oh, I guess in terms of "program requirements," I did finish taking required classes, passed qualifying exams, and got a master's degree. But honestly those weren't hard at all nor do I think are externally valued in the larger research community, so I don't really celebrate them as accomplishments beyond surface level.

In 2019 I saw two different therapists. The first one was awful, I think directly influenced some of my bad decisions, and also didn't respect my gender identity??? The second one is a lot better and I'm grateful to see her, even if 90% of our sessions are just talking about my relationship (romantic/advisor) issues, which is something I want to move away from in the future. But I also feel incredibly privileged when relationship issues are the primary stressors in my life--I am grateful I feel equipped to handle other crap, like deadlines, and don't have to worry about my own health.

Those were the main things that have colored this year. We'll now move into the section of this post where I go through my photos to jog my memory of other events.

New years started a tradition of getting dim sum with Jasper, Matthew, and Michelle dear to my heart. My high school friend was also visiting and we all attended a really awesome new year's eve party. I was also going on a lot of dates and having a lot of good sex, which made me really happy, and at the same time crying all the time at work. In February I received probably the best gift anyone has ever given me and saw Panic! at the Disco, which I said in an end of the year group meeting was a good memory of my year (it was, to relive my scene days!). In March I roadtripped both to Marin (which I had never to been before, despite all my years in the bay) and LA for Wondercon; it was nice to both see high school friends and go on a trip with the boo. In April I went on a hike with my office which was probably the start of us all becoming closer (we are the social office in the wing now, which I take pride in! Also we draw a lot of Pokemon which warms my heart). In May I went to CHI in Glasgow and then to Paris afterward, and the entire experience was very weird and bad and also too many flights were canceled and/or missed and I vowed to not return to Europe for a while, but man do I love the noodles at Trois Fois plus de Piment. In June we hosted a double apartment party with my downstairs neighbors (side note: I am really appreciative of the place I live in, for the community, convenience, and large-ass space and will be really sad to be kicked out fall 2020) and I started a friendship important to me. I cat-sat for my advisor (the one who doesn't make me feel bad) twice. I went to Redwood State Park with my family and hosted a summer solstice celebration. Over the summer a friend I met in Paris back in 2017 moved in with me. I had a much needed escape from the bay to Seattle where I was reminded how abundant the world can be. I also went to Tahoe to celebrate my parents' anniversary, and really liked stumbling upon a smaller lake with a cheap boat rental. Then I became FOMO about the highly competitive Bay Area camping and did a last minute walk-in at Redwood Basin in Santa Cruz, which made me realize that I don't actually love camping (but was nice nonetheless). I ate an expensive meal at Commonwealth before they closed. For my birthday we made a friendship quilt and I served my favorite dish of cumin lamb but it was also 90 degrees in my apartment (I felt really bad and bought two fans afterwards). I started buying many cartoon frog plush after being gifted a $3.99 on sale Safeway frog (called Baby!). I went on Tinder dates (one of which was at a quaker yard sale marketed as Harvest Festival where I got a 1970s Kermit puppet for like $2) that largely went nowhere. My high school friend visited and we were both sad about break ups. I did Inktober before I went to New Orleans for a conference on Bourbon St where everything felt like it was coated in a sticky film of alcohol. I almost missed my flight home because I fell asleep in a sculpture garden but I had the most amazing Uber driver who snaked his way through traffic (oh and the flight was delayed by like 3 hours). I went to kind of embarrassing haunted houses and pumpkin patches over Halloween, but also had the most incredible bowl of ramen at Mensho. My whole office dressed up as Zootopia characters which warmed my furry heart. I spent like $120 on a Pokemon shirt. I started playing Arkham Horror and rekindled another friendship important to me. In November went on a road trip to Big Sur because again, I had to escape it all. For Christmas Eve dinner I roasted a duck for the first time (which was delicious). Shortly after I waited in line for 2 hours for a rollercoaster at Great America, which taught me the value of buying a fast pass because at this point in my life that money is worth it, and then waited 2 hours in line at the DMV to get a RealID (I had made an appointment, which was the fast pass).

Okay, now we move to the hobby section!

I got really into sewing in 2019, having received a sewing machine last Christmas. I made a Judy Hopps (which I wore to CrunchyRoll Expo) and Korok cosplay (Fanime), several unsuccessful garments, a crab bean bag, a dice bag, a fanny pack, and put hearts nipples on a jumpsuit.

Shows! I think I went to way fewer shows this year. The ones I can remember are Elephant Gym, Thom Yorke the night before I had an 8am flight, Carly Rae Jepsen over pride weekend (also, she is my #1 artist of the year, which makes a lot of sense given my emotional space), Mitski at Stern Grove, Capitol Hill Bloc Party (which was super lame, except for Lizzo, where I cried), and the National (which was a fucking surreal experience as they played on Stanford's campus, I was the only one within earshot of myself who knew the words to Crybaby Geeks, and then the white catalog moms came up to me after to thank me for singing the song).

I also started playing my own music! I started playing viola again for the first time in 7 years (lol) in both pop-up concerts with the Awesome Orchestra (one in Golden Gate Park, one at the Exploratorium) and a string quartet through my school. Sometimes I am filled with joy and delight. Other times interpersonal tensions run high and also I am very bad at being in tune. It's life.

Media! I really liked Mob Psycho 100 Season 2 and Beastars. I feel like those were the only notable anime I watched this year? I saw the Farewell three times--first in Seattle where I sobbed for like 1 hour after the movie, the second time with my parents, and the third where Awkwafina was present for a Q&A. I thought Parasite was incredible and Promare was OK. I have spent an unfortunately large amount of my time playing Pokemon Masters. I finally beat BOTW and completed my Pokedex in Shield like 2 weeks after getting the game.

Resolutions! In my draft of my 2018 end of year post (which I never polished and posted, sorry), I said my resolutions were 1. come out to my parents 2. draw enough to table at an anime con 3. be disciplined about paper reading and have a doc. I did none of these things!!! However, for 1, I feel like I am well equipped to have this conversation but am waiting for my sibling to do it first out of respect. 2 was just bad. I barely drew this year except for gifts. 3 was okay--I did have a large doc in the beginning of the year when I was looking for ideas, but as time went on I abandoned it (I also stopped reading papers, which I don't think you're supposed to do as a grad student...)

My resolutions this year are phrased as intentions (-(c) Matthew). They span several categories. Relationships: I want to open myself to and actively seek experiences of love, because I miss that. That being said, I will only date someone if 1. they have their life together 2. they love themselves and 3. they challenge me to grow. (I do think you can experience love without dating; the thing I'm after is love in an expansive sense.) Work: I want to do enough work so I don't feel guilty about not doing enough work, and also not berate myself for taking a long time to do things. Hobbies: I want to sew at least one thing a month. Chinese: I want to improve my Chinese, especially pronunciation.

Having written this 20 days into 2020, it's not been so bad so far. But I was also really happy in the beginning of 2019. Here's to no global maxima, a monotonically increasing year!

#noon's shitty end of the year summary posts #lol i never post on here anymore but i got 8 years of summary posts so i gotta maintain the tag u get me

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