#i feel really blessed is all for me. it's great

[lieslab]

Are you with me?

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Chan X gn reader

Summary: After struggling with being underweight, you binge out of desperation to gain weight and that's when your boyfriend finds you.

Genre: Comfort/hurt

Word Count: 1.6K

Trigger warning: Insecurities, implied underweight reader, mentions of weight, weight loss, binging, calorie counting, and a mention of nausea.

A/N: I believe that this is the final request I had. I'm so sorry for making you wait forever, life has been hard and this topic is a bit too real and relatable. Please know that your weight doesn't define you. Whether you are thirty pounds, three hundred, or three-thousand, you still deserve love and respect. You are allowed to love yourself no matter what you look like.

Society can be really fucking shitty and harsh. Don't let it tear you down. This is your life and maybe we do only get one. Eat the slice of cake on your birthday. Indulge in your favorite coffee. Weight can fluctuate and be lost or gained, but good memories last a life time. Don't let yourself miss out on experiencing them because you think your weight and the way you look is holding you back. It's easier said than done, but it's entirely possible <3

_ _ _

The brain is a chamber and each thought is a bullet. A complex system full of neural pathways that define who you are. The brain controls your entire being. Your personality, your motor skills, the cognitive ability to retain information, and pull it out later. 

Beneath the skin, we’re all just bones. Chipped and withered skeletons that will one day disintegrate into nothingness. They say life is a blessing. We should cherish it to the best of our ability. We only get one life, supposedly. If that’s true, then why is it so hard? 

Bodies. Bodies. Bodies. Bodies. Thick and thin. Taut skin stretched over hollowed cheekbones. Round cheeks full of facial fat. Sharpened and softened jawlines. No matter what yours looks like, you only get one. 

A random genetic lottery thanks to your parents. You might hate yourself or you might love yourself. No matter which one wins, there always seems to be hiccups. Those times of turmoil where you just can’t seem to go on another day because you are trapped inside your body. The machine that causes you to breathe, it feels like a burden to some. 

You cannot control how the outside world perceives you. You cannot make everyone like yourself. Chasing idolization and devotion is a great bomb of self-destruction. Feelings can be fatal and if you’re not careful, they will be. Drowning in insecurities and letting them weigh you down while the days pass you by isn’t a good way to live. 

Yet…you just couldn’t help it. The way you looked was just overwhelming. You were a mess. Physically, nobody could see it. Mentally, you were overwhelmed and falling apart. Unraveling at the seams and spiraling out of control. 

The whispers of your insecurities had turned into a sympathy of screams. Scorching hot tears streamed down your cheeks in the kitchen. Your weight has always been an issue. People don’t second guess the things they say at times. 

“Gosh, you’re so skinny, you need to put some meat on your bones.” 

“Is that really all you’re going to eat?” 

“One blow from the wind and you’re going to fall over at this rate.” 

Some people are blessed with rapid metabolisms and some are cursed. No matter how much you consume, your body works it off. Over and over and over and over and over. Just when you think you’ve gained a pound, the scale says you’re down another half of a pound. 

What does your boyfriend think about it? He always says you look wonderful, but does he really mean it? What if he’s lying? Members of your family have stated that you look like you’re on your deathbed. 

What if you’re not good enough? What if this body isn’t great? What if nothing changes? What if you’re cursed to be this weight forever? What if? What if? What if? 

It was a spur of the moment decision. Ever since you lost another two pounds within the last week, something inside of you seemed to snap. That’s when you found yourself tearing through kitchen cabinets. 

Thoughts were swirling as you ripped open the package of oreo cookies you bought. It was one and then it was two and you blinked and half the row was gone. Crumbs caked your lips and all you could do was wipe them along your sweater sleeve. 

As much as you were spiraling, you were desperate to gain control. Surely, if you ate enough, you could put on a pound or two, right? Right? You had to. 

Crinkling filled the air as you opened a bag of brand new chips. The kind that were too salty and you knew they weren’t healthy, but you did it anyway. Life felt better with the occasional unhealthy snack. People weren’t perfect and neither were you. 

Staring at the back of the calorie contents, you lost track of how many chips you placed in your mouth. People didn’t seem to binge on the fruits and vegetables. 

It was the sugary sweetened foods that stuck to your sides. The salty chips and pretzels. The kind of food that was full of empty calories, but you didn’t care. You were desperate to gain a pound. 

People don’t understand what it’s like until they’re there. You will never understand what it’s like to be skin and bones until it’s all that you are. You will never understand what it’s like to carry around a pudgy stomach that bounces with every step until you are there. 

Weight fluctuates and bodies are different. We only get one, but it’s so easy to abuse it. To never eat enough. To over consume and eat too much. You didn’t think you were doing anything wrong with your body. 

You ate your food and that was that. It wasn’t a ton of food, but it wasn’t like you were starving yourself either. Yet, at the exact same time, your body seemed to stay thin. 

The more you spiraled, the more you lost track. You didn’t remember what you put in your mouth. Everything tasted like defeat, even the oreos. 

It kept going and going. Your stomach began to ache with the amount of food you consumed, but you couldn’t stop. It was overwhelming and all too much. Everything hurt and you just wanted to break down and sob. 

When you caught the reflection of yourself in the microwave, that’s exactly what you did. The lump in your throat pulsed and the tears welled up again. The box of crackers in your hand dropped to the floor and you grabbed the counter top for support. 

Your body caved and slumped over the cold marble top. With a forehead pressed into the marble, you cried. You cried because it wasn’t fair. You cried because you hated what you were doing to your body. You cried because you were worried about how you were perceived. You cried because everything was overwhelming and too much. You hated yourself and it hurt like hell. 

Piercing sobs racked the empty kitchen and bounced off the walls. They reverberated back to you and you were left alone with the heart-shattering reality of what you were doing. You ate so much, you were nauseous. 

Your stomach twisted and churned. A fresh layer of saliva coated your tongue. The queasy feeling caused you to squeeze your eyes shut. All you could do was just cry harder. 

Your sobs were the first thing that Chan heard when he unlocked and pushed the door open. Fear struck his heart and he ripped off his bag. Not caring that his laptop was in it, it dropped to the ground with a heavy thud. 

He rushed into the kitchen and found you slung over the counter. “Baby? Baby?” His hand went to your back and he tugged you into his arms. 

The warmth of his chest made you cry harder. You hated that this was who you were. Why couldn’t you have another body? Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn’t it just be different? 

“What’s wrong?” His eyes scanned your face. “Why are you crying? What’s going on? Are you hurt?” His hands gently cupped your cheeks. He positioned your face up towards him. “Please talk to me.” 

“I-I hate myself,” you uttered hoarsely with a hiccup. “I’m not good enough. I can’t gain weight and I’m a walking skeleton and I-” 

His eyebrows pinched together in confusion. “Sweetheart, what are you talking about?”  A reassuring thumb ran over your cheek. 

“My body isn’t good enough. Not for you. Not for me. Not for anyone.” 

Knowing that you thought so negatively of yourself, it stung. It shoved an arrow through his heart and he shook his head. “Listen to me, you’re perfect the way you are. Just because y-” 

“You don’t get it!” You snapped angrily. Your hands shoved at his shoulders and he stumbled back in shock. “You don’t get it because you’re perfect! You can gain weight and you can lose weight. You can do whatever you want and I-” Your voice cracked and cut off. 

He didn’t utter a word. He knew you were struggling, so he just opened his arms. With a quivering bottom lip, you let yourself fall forward. Sturdy arms grabbed you and he pressed your head against his chest. 

The steady lull of his heart made you burst into tears. A weak and hoarse apology fell from your lips. All he could do was quietly shush you as he rubbed your back. 

“I know that it’s hard. I know what it’s like to struggle with your self image. Maybe I don’t know exactly what it is, but I’m right here and I love you. Please don’t push me away just because you’re struggling. I might not understand, but we can figure it out together. I’m not going anywhere and you know that.” 

That last reassurance was the final straw. Your knees buckled and your fingers dug into his cotton shirt. Down the both of you went and you landed on his lap. 

He pressed you against him as tight as he dared. With your eyes shut and your forehead pressed into the nape of his neck. He soothed you softly while rubbing your back. 

Even if he didn’t understand exactly, he’d wait here for as long as he had to. He’d be here until the kitchen was pulled into darkness and the sun went down outside. He didn’t care if he had to be here all night. 

He’d do whatever it took to remind you that no matter how you saw yourself, you weren’t entirely alone.

| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |

Taglist: @lina-linny @straykidsstanforeverandever @seungnishi @stellasays45

Masterlist

Taglist and inbox rules

[enden-agolor]

I just want you to know that when i read your Jesskas Recovery Ao3, i have had so many reactions, feelings and emotions, you don't know how much my heart Ached in a good/bad way and how long it took me to actually read some of the most heart wrecking chapters, just typing this is already making my stomach ache from the mix of hurt/comfort you absolutely cooked in there, your fanfic really is so great and i can't help wanting to say this to you, ever since i found you on tumblr, i immediately fell inlove with your art and stories about Jess and Lukas, thank you for all the efforts you have dedicated to Jesskas!!!! I love to see more future post and update on the forest deity!!!! Love your work and art!!!

Oh my gosh thank you so much 🙈🩵🩵🩵

I'll be honest, sometimes I forget Recovery even exists and I see an ask like this and it makes me sit back and think about it all over again. Jeez I REALLY need to just finish it already. It's honestly amazing to hear that there's still new readers to the fic, and I am so honored you enjoyed it so much that you came here to send me this wonderful ask. Seriously, comments like this mean a lot to me and are great motivators. I love writing wholesome hurt/comfort for these guys and Recovery was so much fun to write (really really fun🗿) and honestly the fic means a lot to me still considering it was my first fic ever and it kind of was my first step into the fandom that I didn't even know existed at the time. I hope to bring nothing but more of that same feeling as we write The Forest's Blessing! Jesskas hurt/comfort love and healing my beloved I hold you in my hands and cherish you...

[aois-amaterasu-painting]

Aoi Twitter 2022 (+bonus Tsuchinoko tweets):

2021 July 26: "This year, I was able to meet up with Tsuchinoko without any issues, and it seems like Uruha-san's fans are getting more used to it. From now on, I might have to call it the 'shy blue-tongued skink blog,' but that’s so long - I really don’t wanna! #ItHasBeenUpdated"

2021 July 27 Ruki: "It's the blog of our rumored Tsuchinoko lead guitarist. 🦆"

2022 Feb "Th-there's Tsuchinokoーーー! With a photooo! For more details, go to my profile! #UruhaBlogGotUpdated

2022 Mar 26 Uruha: "I’ve started Twitter to commemorate our 20th anniversary. Everyone, please continue to support us. Let's make the tour even more exciting!!"

2022 Mar "Wait, hold on a second. Could this be the Tsuchinoko guy? 🤔"

Uruha QT: "I'm not a Tsuchinoko! LOL"

Reita QT: "Ah, he's on Twitter… You can't call him Tsuchinoko anymore! 🤘🏻"

Uruha QT: "Ah, that's the thing that matters!"

2022 Feb "Right now, I have this overwhelming urge to grow my hair super long. To put it simply, I want to look like Rapunzel."

2022 Mar "I really like Ruki's delicate sense of aesthetics."

2022 May "And just between us, I missed the timing for a song and when I got back to the dressing room, Uruha was grinning and said, 'Nice arrangement 🤩👍'. Before heading to the venue tomorrow, I'm going to stop by the 100-yen shop to buy some joke glasses and party poppers. I’m going to tease him big time when he messes up. Just you wait."

Uruha QT: "I just returned the favor since you always say it to me 🫶."

Aoi QT: ( ˘ω˘🫶 )

2022 May HBD My bro.🧁

2022 May "Fukuoka, I’m back. And thank you. I won’t say anything more today. Once again, happy birthday, Reita 🎂."

2022 Jun "Nagoya, I’m back! Ruki and Kai also mentioned it, but we’re really feeling like a band more than ever. Sometimes things don’t go perfectly, but being able to turn our ‘want to play’ into ‘getting to play’ is a blessing. I’ve got some unfinished work, so I’ll head back early, but let’s hang out again soon ✊Thank you, Nagoya."

2022 Jun "Good morning 🙌 Let’s have a great day today. I have just one job for you all—cheer me on!!!"

2022 Jun "I couldn’t figure out one of the trending Visual Kei quiz questions. But of course, that makes sense. After all, I am a being that transcends the boundaries of the Visual Kei genre itself 🍷."

2022 Jun "I mean, Seikima-II is releasing a new album, so I won’t be able to sleep until the release day. It brings back memories of being scared by my brother at the beginning of 'House of Wax' when I was in elementary school. I’m so excited 🙌."

2022 Jun HBD URUHA🍰🎉🥸

2022 Jun "Thank you, Sagami-Ono. Live shows are just the best, aren’t they? Looks like I’m going to have some good dreams tonight. Let’s hang out again soon 🙌."

2022 Jun Reita: "Take this as a souvenir for the afterlife. The residents of Shimote"

2022 July "But then again, wanting to peek into someone else’s romance might be human folly, so perhaps it’s better if it stays hidden behind the clouds. Since the universe doesn’t cloud over, I’d like to think that’s better for the two of them. (Serious face)"

2022 July "What exactly is a fan meeting? I've been pondering this for almost 20 years now. The hardest part is whether I can properly convey my gratitude to everyone. I'm not very good at expressing myself. Just thinking about it gives me a stomachache, so I've been wondering for the past two hours if it's finally time to use some of my paid leave. What do you think? 🤔"

2022 Aug "Good morning ☀︎ I watched the 20th ANNIVERSARY -HERESY- video that arrived last night this morning. That day really was the best. I hope you're all looking forward to it 😌 I think it airs on 8/11."

2022 Sep "Ah, I looked amazing again today. I might end up charming everyone without meaning to, so please forgive me."

2022 Sep Reita "But you all have nowhere to go because I won’t take my eyes off you. But starting today, since we’re having rehearsal, I’ll have to look away for a bit 🫣"

Aoi QT: Yes, Fallen in love.

2022 Sep: "After the fan meeting, I’ve been putting all my effort into preparing for this day. I played my guitar with everything I had—my fingertips are torn, my hair is in disarray, and I played with single-minded focus. What you see here is the culmination of my efforts. Thank you, everyone. On the first day of band rehearsal, I’ve completed this 02 tour. The rest is up to you... Have goods dreams... (:3 ｣ ∠) The end."

2022 Sep: "Huh? The 02 tour hasn't started yet? More importantly, I can't get out of my head how Uruha kept smirking and saying, 'Aoi-san has a lot of solos this time, doesn’t he?' If the tour starts like this, my frail heart will surely burst. So, with that, adiós... (|3 ｣ ∠)."

Uruha QT: "No, that’s not it! I was just jealous 🤗"

Aoi QT: "I have more than usual compared to previous times. Uta-ma has as many as usual. So there's no need to be jealous ( 🫶˘ω˘ )"

2022 Sep: "I'm getting closer to achieving the sound I want day by day, but on the other hand, there's the dilemma of having sounds I've prepared but hardly ever use. I'm trying to sound like a musician here, but tweaking presets is risky and a hassle, though if it works out, it’s worth it. It’s frustrating."

2022 Sep: "That aside, the truth is, we're basically Sailor Moon, so we really need to get that thing today. Was it 'Tsukimi has changed and it's delicious'? That's a clever line. Well then, I'm off to the studio🙌."

2022 Sep: "Ugh, that sauce had an unpleasant flavor. And can you stop putting up pictures of me looking like a cross-dressing old guy holding something vulgar?"

2022 Sep: "We had a really good rehearsal today ◎ I've slimmed down a bit, so look forward to it 🫣 P.S. I think our new uniforms are really comfortable. Hmm... 🤔"

2022 Sep: "Sorry for the late hour. Listening to this again now, I recall the emotions I had when I composed those phrases back then, and it makes me feel a bit embarrassed but also proud. 😌 When you type '20 years,' it's just three characters and a brief moment, but it was an irreplaceable time."

2022 Sep: "When I think about it, during those 20 years, we were a part of so many people's youth. In a few decades, let's look back on those days together in a retirement home 🤘 Well, good night."

2022 Oct: "Just between us, one of my acoustic guitars isn't working well, so I'm borrowing Uta-ma's guitar. I plan to return it in better condition than when I borrowed it ┏○)) The Kobe performance will start in about 45 minutes. Please look only at me."

2022 Oct: "Great job in Kobe! I still believe the latest is the best. It might sound self-serving, but when the band is at its best, the results follow. It was that kind of night. Everyone in Kobe, let's hang out again 🙌 Next up, Kagoshima—wait for us! 💪"

2022 Oct: "Hey ✋ From what I remember, the highlights of yesterday were REITA trying to stomp on my Achilles tendon, and the person on the right side of the stage inching closer, making little adjustments, as if they wanted to have their back against mine 😪."

2022 Oct Reita: "Worship us, who have descended upon Kagoshima."

Aoi QT: "So, it's not written in katakana…?"

Reita QT: "Revere us, for we have descended upon Kagoshima…"

2022 Oct: "Kobe and Kagoshima were so much fun, but it seems I was really tired. I slept for about 10 hours like I melted 🫠. I overslept, so I’m heading back with messy hair. Please don’t look at me."

2022 Oct: "U: 'Huh? You don't get it? The answer is peanuts!' A & K: (Writhing in stomach pain and dying peacefully) By the way, 'peanut' is the Japanese name, you know. That’s it from the backstage about 10 minutes before the performance.┏○))"

Uruha QT: "Stop it! ❗️lol I just said that instead of nitpicking, it's better to build up your virtues, which will then contribute to the success of the live show—didn't you just say that yourself? 😫"

Aoi QT: "Just between you and me, you were the one who said that, and I only replied, 'Yeah, that's right.' 😲 To be honest, from the way it's written, it doesn't even sound like something I would say…"

2022 Oct: "Great job, Fenice 🫶 By the third song, the volume pedal—the 'one that controls everything'—went crazy, and I ended up making a face like 'dafuq' It’s probably a curse because I couldn’t find the right pedal before the show and settled for this one instead. 'Punished,' just like the drumsticks. Please accept this as my humble offering."

2022 Oct: "I got a little caught up preparing for tomorrow, but once again, HBD KAI 🍪"

2022 Oct Reita: "I have returned from hell to annihilate the carefree fools."

Aoi QT: "Please accept this offering (┐「ε:)【ヲ】"

2022 Oct "It’s been a while since I decided to grow out my hair like Tatsuro’s long locks. Right now is the hardest period, where styling is the most difficult. But I endured this morning, believing it will get easier once I push through. By the way, I mean Yamashita Tatsuro."

2022 Nov: "The moon is amazing 😲"

2022 Nov "I was planning to grow my hair long enough to braid it and use it as a jump rope, but I'm starting to lose motivation. I'm always shouting in my head, 'So annoying! Ugh, so annoying!'"

2022 Nov Reita: "The day after tomorrow, we’ll be in Koriyama for the first time in a while. Next up is BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY. Let me post a picture of myself from back then. I wonder which generation REITA this was, since now I’m the 8th generation… I keep dying and reincarnating all the time ☠️"

Aoi QT: "Back then, we were like razors, weren’t we? You were the 'Kami' and I was the 'Sori'."

(*TN. Play on words. "Kami" (カミ) means "god" or "hair," and "Sori" (ソリ) means "razor" or "shaving.")

Reita QT: "Now, both are gods"

2022 Nov: "Thank you, Utsunomiya. Each show is special, and because of that, I didn’t want to ruin it with my own lack of skill. MASS has been that kind of tour for me, but it's entirely because of my own shortcomings. Not writing anything would only make everyone worried, but right now, I can’t find the right words. For now, before the day changes, I just want to say thank you for today. Thank you."

Ruki QT: "Personally, today was a day where I gave it my all, but there are still plenty of times when I feel frustrated like this. It’s proof of how serious we are about each and every live show. But the strength of a band lies in how we each cover those frustrations, come together, and help each other grow. And I believe that every challenge we overcome allows us to grow even more. 🔥"

Aoi QT: "Hey, stop it. I wasn’t expecting this, and now I can’t read because my vision’s all blurry.."

2022 Nov: "To be honest, I was scared today. Even though it's my own fault, it felt like a bit of a hurdle to stand in front of everyone. But it looked like everyone accepted me and had a great time. Thank you. Let’s have fun again! By the way, Reita's chest wasn’t my type."

Reita QT: "How rude to grope it without permission, right? 💕 But you know, it can be surprisingly addictive 😘

[ryoki-ph]

i'm so much integrated and chillin it finally feels fuckin GREAT to be one person for me honestly. thought dump in all atags

[vivacia-18]

I'm about halfway to two thirds through You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, and asdjasdlkajsadjal

The reveals, the implications, I can't even - mentally I'm rolling on the floor frothing at the mouth. I want to go back and listen to season 3 and season 1 all over again, holy shiiiiit

[unproduciblesmackdown]

billions also comedy gold presenting winston as a scapegoat for abuse culture fans when it's like but hey it can't be actual scapegoating if you Enjoy It or consider it Justified or experience Reassurance from Its Opportunity For A Group Cohesion Substitute For A Cohesion Based On An Inherent Equal Degree Of Belonging, The Absence Of Which Allows For, Encourages, Reinforces, & Rewards Scapegoating

it can't be Bullying if someone's Weird or you Just Don't Personally Like Them or Nobody's Actually Stopping You, Maybe At Least If They Don't See Too Much Of It, Maybe Others Are Supporting It

it can't be Abuse if you're just doing things Normally or are Following Rules or Aren't Feeling Malicious And Aren't Getting Divine Revelations Otherwise and probably it's just that a lot of abnormal people are being whiny &/or unfair &/or the Real malicious ones. kinda just like how that scapegoat is the real person ruining everything and really just forcing you to treat them like this

[sinni-ok-sessi]

It Is Spring Time My Dudes

[thatfaerieprincess]

Guys what if I get into puppets (again) ……….. I wanna make a dragon puppet I could maybe use at a ren fair….. we’ll see. I have to take 2 large exams, finish a project, and then go home and make So Many Holiday gifts first. Then maybe dragon puppet.

[simplyghosting]

My mother: You can’t drink at work!

My boss: Would you like another glass of Moscato?

[clownpassing]

sorry yeah actually this is super sad i am really upset about this but for slightly different reasons than previous post

[anonymusbosch]

.

[yanosdiary]

"Hopefully it won't slip out of my mouth"

[neverendingford]

.

[drchucktingle]

i have copied this comment without name because i think it is very kind and respectful and i do not want buckaroos interpreting it the wrong way. PLEASE UNDERSTAND this buckaroo is very sincere and has important points and please respect their way. i am going to answer in a way that is counter to their point and i do not want buds to go after them IN ANY WAY. THEY ARE PROVING LOVE AND THEY HAVE GOOD POINTS

okay here is what i have to say:

i have not transitioned and in this lifetime i do not expect to. i think you have a good point of 'how can you know?' and honestly i cannot know that is just how timelines and reality and perception work

HOWEVER i must caution against this train of thought slightly because what works for one buckaroos MAY NOT WORK for another. every time i talk about my non-dysphoric way there are plenty of well meaning buds, particularly fellow trans buds, who show up with posts in the tone of 'its only matter of time.' like i just do not understand yet.

this reminds me of bisexual buckaroos who are told 'you just do not know you are gay yet'. as difficult as it is to step out of our own dang minds, i implore buckaroos to accept that there VERY JOYFUL AND FULFILLED NON-DYSPHORIC TRANS BUCKAROOS who do not need to transition and never will and are healthy and happy without that. just like there are bisexual buckaroos who are not just on their way to being gay

a good way to look at it is like this: I LOVE MY MALE BODY. i think i am a very handsome buckaroo. i have masculine features in my muscle and height and frame. as far as how fate could have placed me on this timeline I WON MY OWN PERSONAL FOOTRACE. i am up on the podium and i am standing here with a medal around my neck. GOOD JOB CHUCK

HOWEVER when i look down i see that medal is silver. i am not going to lie and say it is gold. it is silver.

YES my gold medal is a female body. that is an objective truth to my trot. i believe my gender way is that of a women, but there is no part of me that is upset about where i have placed.

I GOT SILVER. i am not upset. there is no tragedy. in fact i am OVERWHLEMED WITH JOY not just to be on the podium but to be in this race in the first place. HECK YEAH I DID IT AND I GOT A MEDAL

of course this is not to dismiss the difficult journey of others. many do not feel the way i do and their trot is VALID. a dysphoric way matters and is important and these voices are important. they should be elevated and supported. i understand some do not share this podium imagery, and they feel PAINED by trappings of their body.

i feel so much for this. i understand and care for my dysphoric buds, but the simple truth is that is not my story. i cant just lie and say that it is.

it will never be my story. i cannot say this enough: i love my body. however i STILL believe my truest way is that of a ladybuck. if it was a simple button push to change me, then i would push it without hesitation.

but it is not a simple button push.

talk to almost any buckaroo who has transitioned and they will say 'transitioning is hard'. it takes time and work and money and emotional support. i am in awe of the bravery of buckaroos who trot this path, but all of that is not worth it for something that i already feel good about. SCRATCH THAT, i feel GREAT ABOUT. i feel overwhelmed with joy every day over just existing in this male body that i have been blessed with. YES buckaroo, i feel joy existing in a male body that i know is ladybuck on the inside. it feels interesting a cool and exciting.

but my truest way is STILL a ladybuck trot

i guess i am just trying to say that i love second place. im happy to celebrate it. i think my male body is really dang cool. it is not a 'perfect me' but it is really dang awesome, and i never really bothered with trying to be perfect

[unproduciblesmackdown]

"normal" meaning "unquestionable" & the embrace of that cropping up anywhere such as an aim to be on the unquestionable side of a Normal / Weird binary, thus surely being a comfortable effortless indelible version of Good that stems from "just be normal"

ppl out here like freud 2.0 where well they had the sufficiently normal Nuclear Household family(tm) experience so they're sufficiently normal for it, versus the weirdos who had the Questionable family times so as to end up with Issues, surely unlike all those who are Family Issue free, i.e. normal, no question. like how also Going To School is Normal, so of course there's that idea that anyone who didn't go to school normal style or did but Did That Wrong are the people made Weirder with Issues. & when what's Normal is what's Good is what's Unquestionable it's like why would i need to question it when it's so normal? why wouldn't some rando asshole nepo man be Meritous & Good at business when he's so Successful at it. speaks for itself, same as Your role of being treated entirely differently does, this can't be questioned, blame it on your own failures; again how the supposedly "questionable" experiences (unlike other ones, which need no Legitimate questioning) are pathologized like. people talking about disabled ppl's lacking "social skills" being this meaningful Driver of ableism just like poor people's lacking "financial literacy" being that darn cause of classism & resource extraction, the already Questioned vulnerable [you're just doing it wrong / failing] people are the cause of their own mistreatment, Normal people who are so socially & financially successful are helpless, this victim blaming (can't question it. Normal) sure totally doesn't speak to abuse being "normal" as well

which, good thing abuse totally isn't Normal i.e. in the territory of unquestionable things (with, obviously, the idea that Abuse (Real abuse, if you like) must be Exceptional in addition to, if not to Really be, "obviously" questionable) since if something can't be questioned then surely it's also How Things Were In The Beginning, Are Now, & Ever Shall Be (catholic prayer paraphasing re: god, for referential context) & there's just nothing to do but invest in & play into it For Success & resent / punish / try to eliminate disruption, like people just existing but doing it Weird, c'mon, be a better person please, obviously....meanwhile people out here approaching queerness in a way that accepts & acts according to the unquestionable normal of abuse of queerness, such that oh the "abnormality" of being queer (that is, "normal" people's abuse in the face of awareness of queerness) is unquestionable, such that Oh No, investment in that abuse now & forever world without end amen, & now punching down on the people who are just Being Weird & Disrupting this embrace of the norm: radfems invested in "all bodies will be classed as men & women & the former abuse the latter" & hate women who already disrupt this premise; pointing out ace exclusionism as terf logic just applied in the different context where queer vs nonqueer binary is neatly detected just as the gender binary is & people who already prove that & the way it's defined is not the case are the real problems, infiltrating Unquestionable (Normal) Queerness & delegitimizing it i.e. being The Cause of e.g. homophobic abuse, which will also unquestionably exist, so if we're gonna blame someone as Needing To Change it'll have to be uhhh already also affected Weird people who are ruining things, they're the Real causes of this abuse, so they're basically men, basically cis, basically straight. boooo to trans ace bi pan aro nonbinary gnc people....hardest to be binary gender "same sex" "romantic" "visible" Truly Queer couple currently holding hands in public or in front of family, & it's You Mfs who make it harder, not, yknow, the people who were already always embracing & perpetuating the abuse bolstering Normal(tm) Cishet Just Being Normal. and of course don't forget going after poly people & others disrupting / not accepting premises about Unquestionable Relationship Structures/Requirements. so not just being normal

also the beloved concept broken out that, of course, Being Normal = Being Good, b/c hello, unquestionable?? where it's like meaningless ideas that abuse is Abnormal like ":( hurt people hurt people" (inherently a framing to counter any response to [person is hurting me] that's not silent secret sympathy forever i guess. nobody's using this catchphrase to argue for Hey Quick let's all intervene to stop someone being hurt, lest they go on to hurt anyone themselves) like & yet everyone is hurt, yet not everyone is doing shit where these arguments are broken out after they're already getting away with nonsense & we're telling others to just stop complaining, while also not everyone isn't getting shit on for being "disruptive" & perchance the real hurtful problems for trying to Stop being shitted on, or just have a little more breathing room to day to day live while it happens. everyone's hurt bitch let's get you some "what's the actual patterns & context of supported power imbalance made emergently evident by whose choices & life are constrained & undermined & made smaller" like. or the expanded idea as that well all abuse comes from Being abused, i.e. the Cycle, never mind that abuse is everywhere as per its being Normal, & nobody's intervening every time it manifests despite its supposed exceptionality thus rareness & supposed indication that someone's Being abused to cause it. just gotta roll with it, wow. & pathologize being victim to it, abuser in the making, Vulnerable People are dangerous, those insulated & given more access to systemically backed power in an oh so Normal way are surely oh so Safe as well. the very rich families are all lovely havens. the abused people are treated so well & embraced & supported by all the more Normal people they encounter, certainly not Also isolated, bullied, victim blamed by these Normal friends family coworkers new partners randos in public randos who are "professionals"

but yknow uh literally just be normal lol. aaand post. and like "lol being Anti Being Normal? just like a weirdo" like yeah of course. and what, i'm gonna try to win the heart & mind of someone like "of course you have blue hair & pronouns" & convert them, as would definitely happen if only all transgenderists were Normal about it? and the perspective of "what Unquestionable Good is ever actually coming from striving to get to point at Others as Weird" involves going like "nooo i wanna see myself & be seen as Just Being Normal" instead of like having ideas / arguments about how to be considerate towards people which can be articulated in any other way & involve effort & said consideration (ft. anything able to be questioned)

[evilvillain123456789]

Bless me father, for I have sinned. I know you see me at mass every Sunday, as well as at evensong and bible studies and outreach ministries during the week. You might think that I'm a man of great faith, a virtuous, upstanding Catholic with an unflagging love for the mother church, but, well, that isn't true. I'm not even trying to convince anyone of that, either, it's just kind of something they all assumed about me. The real reason I'm in here so often is because of the water cooler in the social room. It's culturing some kind of greenish-black mold that gives me, like, an insane buzz. It started to get to the point where I'd be really pissy and irritable on Saturday night because I was in, like, withdrawal, and I just wanted to go hit the mold and feel alive again. So yeah, not really sure if that's a mortal or a venal sin, but thought I'd bring it up to be safe. By the way if you clean out the water cooler I'm probably going to immediately apostasize and dedicate myself to combining PCP analogues with Russian benzodiazepines to try to recreate whatever it is that Basilica mold is doing to my brain.