#i feel so desperate saying that to the void 24/7 but i really just want to know other people are out there thinking thoughts

[breadandblankets]

if I had to add to the entire mountain of criticism against fandom (and this is going to be DC specific cause that's what I'm seeing) but the only time you can get consistent interactions is when you're bitching about the source material/other fans and that's honestly really disheartening

fandom is a net positive, collaboration experience and to water it all down to complaining or passive consumption is such a downgrade from what it Could Be

[tobiosmilktea]

umpah umpah! smau

↪︎ bokuto x f!reader x iwaizumi

[033] — epilogue!

masterlist | prev. | next

a/n: this is definitely not my best writing cause my brain was going brr the entire time i was writing this, but i honestly can’t believed i have finished yet another smau! 🥳 ✨if i’m being completely honest this smau took a complete turn to what i was initially planning,, but it ended up not being that bad. i certainly feel like this smau would’ve been a lot better if i didn’t have school preoccupying me 24/7, but i’m still really proud of this. thank you guys for reading and dealing with this messy, messy smau!! ☺️

a year flew by faster than you had hoped. Two weeks turned into a month, a month turned into six, and six months turned into a year. A lot of things can happen within a year. Hell, a shit ton of things can happen within six months, yet here you were, all glammed up in your best dress at the move premiere of love cemetery.

you hadn’t felt this nervous in ages. the quickening of your pulse, the rapidly beating heart, to your pals that perspired as the seconds ticked on by. akaashi stood by you this whole time as your gaze keeps looking over to the guest list as if it were to magically change if you were too look away for one second. akaashi had been by your side, your moral support and the absolute backbone of your sanity the moment you and the team landed in los angeles a year ago. he noticed everything about you. he was one of your best friends, how could he not notice the way you were suddenly quiet and not excited right now?

he laid a careful hand on the small of your back to comfort you, leaning over to the same list of guests you were worrying about. “are you worried about who i invited again?”

“i’m more worried they’re not coming.” you confess without a single beat missed.

“oh, they will,” he assured you confidently. there was even a rising smirk in his expression when he let go of you, “have a little bit of faith in me will you? i was the one who got you back in touch with them.”

you huff playfully, rolling your eyes as you recalled the strange feeling of isolation over six months ago when you landed in la. it was in no doubt the longest flight of your life, lasting a good fifteen hours if you counted the two hour layover in hawaii due to reckless turbulence (it was one of the scariest flights in your life too). you had read their texts then, drowning in the sudden downpour of emotions when you read their words, i love you.

it almost didn’t seem real. you swore it had to have been the fatigue playing games on you as you couldn’t sleep for the life of you on the plane. yeah, maybe that was it, you excused. you were so desperate for their messages to be a figment of your imagination, you literally tried everything—turning your phone on and off, asking sugawara for eye droplets, and even ignored it until you were back on the plane and landed in los angeles. it had to be fake, please be fake. yet, in the back of your head you knew damn well it wasn’t.

there was a plaguing thought within you, one that’s so destructive and degenerative that you hated the fact you thought this way. but it wasn’t like you could help it. insecurity was a troublesome venom that coursed through your veins everyday and there didn’t seem to be an antidote to your own self-destruction. 

you loved them both, but you weren’t entirely sure if you had enough love to give for the both of them, let alone one. iwaizumi and bokuto’s feelings confused you to the core. you broke their hearts, yet how could they still love you so dearly?

you didn’t know the answer nor did you have time to even find it.

the film crew stayed in los angeles for two weeks and filmed over the course of that time period. days were filled with twelve hour shoots and a tight film schedule. being the author of the work itself, you were a major part of the production alongside the director. he trusted your vision and you’d often find yourself staying on set the entire day while kaori and the rest of the ddd team felt like they were on vacation. your only free time during that time was the ten minute holy grails in between takes that you were able to check social media.

you simply didn’t have the time to think about them. and yet they were like haunting ghosts that followed you relentlessly. every time you checked twitter or instagram, you would see every post, every tweet, every story. all of which would send your heart spiraling and tugging.

you missed them. but it wasn’t like you could do anything about it. you couldn’t possibly strike up conversation with any of them after completely ignoring their calls and texts for weeks. you had to have an odd amount of audacity to do that, and you simply didn’t have the guts to do so. if anything, the only lasting form of communication between you and the boys was the ringing notification that you liked each other’s posts.

it was quite the sad reality.

the film set then transferred to new york city, where the next two weeks would be filled with yet another plethora of twelve hour work days. fortunately for you, the rest of the ddd team were pulling a bit more of their weight, helping you on the creative side of things, yet still having the time to do all the fun touristy things whilst in the city.

you could remember the way your heart lit up seeing iwaizumi and bokuto’s names beneath who saw your story. it was a video of you and your team at the lady liberty statue. in it, kaori and yuko were chomping down on gigantic $2 street hot dogs, sugawara was yelling at semi for getting in the way of his film camera, while akaashi was complaining that the wind kept knocking down his green lady liberty hat.

it was strange thinking how fast things can change. within the first week, you were always up for an adventure in the city when the days were filled with work, but as the week progressed, your social meter decreased more and more. 

loneliness hit you then. it was a peculiar type of loneliness, the type that you felt alone despite being surrounded by your closest friends and working on your dream project. you figured you were just homesick the way everyone else was getting all ready for a night out going bar hopping while you sat in the living room of your hotel room in your pajamas.

“are you sure you don’t want to come with us, (y/n)?” kaori asked you, concern washing over her slightly as you flickered her a tired look. 

you shook your head, a small smile of gratitude melting upon your lips. “no, you guys go on ahead and have fun.”

your friends could only give you a look. they knew why you were being like this and they knew damn well it wasn’t homesickness. semi specifically threw you a look that’s meant to be teasing and oddly persuasive. “it’s been over a month, this can be a chance for you to finally meet someone new!” he exclaimed optimistically.

what was stopping you, anyway? it was clear nothing was, yet you still held yourself back. homesickness couldn’t possibly be to reason for it either. why are am i being like this?

“it’s okay, i’m with akaashi,” you decline once more, “he’ll keep me company.”

“alright then, join us once you feel like moving on.” says yuko with a hint of venom in her tone. you couldn’t blame her for saying that though as it was the harsh reality of it all.

your friends filed out the door, closing it in a thud and once again you felt alone. isolated as if you were in a void of your own silent thoughts that even the loud murmurs coming from the television wasn’t enough to drown out your shallow inhibitions. 

the night continued on like this for a few hours. eating snacks in the dark living room with the remote in your hand, flipping channels every five minutes as your running thoughts couldn’t keep your attention span still. it felt like you were missing something, a part of yourself that you couldn’t exactly pinpoint. you thought of all of the possibilities why you felt like there was a void in your heart, yet the only thing you could properly convince yourself on was that you just missed home. but was that really all that you had missed?

you thoughts are interrupted by steps approaching you. akaashi walks into the living room, flicking on the switches and causing you to grimace at the bright lights. your eyes stung slightly as they adjusted from being in the dark for too long.

“where are you going?” you ask akaashi as you noticed his dressed up attire.

“i got done with all the paperwork and emails,” he answers while he fixes the collar of his dress shirt, “i’m deciding to have some fun tonight with the rest of the group. are you still up for it? i’ll wait for you to get ready if you want.”

the thought occurred within you that you should agree. that the possibility of this unexplainable feeling of isolation you were feeling would disappear if you were to just say yes and go. but as self-destructive as you were on yourself, you continued to hold yourself back—hesitant and always second guessing your actions.

you open your mouth slightly, but you ultimately just shook your head no.

akaashi lets out a sigh. he was genuinely hoping you would come around sooner or later. granted, it had been over a month since you guys left japan and he figured you would be over everything by now, but that obviously wasn’t the case. “you might be receiving a call soon... i suggest you should answer it.”

confusion flushed over your expression, giving him a strange look. but before you could even utter a single question to him, akaashi was already up and out the door.

he left you in a wake of curiosity for the rest of the night. it was nearing one in the morning and you still hadn’t yet received a phone call. it honestly sounded incredibly ominous that you grew a tad bit nervous. there were only so many possibilities on who would call, but it would actually infuriate you if akaashi was just joking around. but then again, akaashi isn’t the type to play something childish like that unless it was kaori or semi’s idea. regardless, the thought kept you awake as you eyes practically weighed like cinder blocks at this point.

you couldn’t believe you wait for two hours for a phone call that might not even happ—it shocked you at first, the ringing of your obnoxious ring tone and the buzzing of the vibrations on the table.

furrowing your brows as you reached over, a gasp left you the moment you read the contact name. your slapped a hand over your mouth to muffle your shock. your hand shook from the growing bundle of nerves in your gut as you hesitate.

the name ‘kou’ shined brightly against your face, coaxing you to answer as if your thumb wasn’t frozen the accept button. out of all the possibilities on who would be calling you tonight, it just had to be him. it wasn’t like you opposed talking to bokuto. if anything, you had spent countless of sleepless nights wondering if you should finally answer that text of his. yet no matter how many different messages you have typed, none of them ever saw the light of day. a hurricane of stupid conversation starters and ice breakers swarmed in your head, all messy and disorganized that if you didn’t just suck it up and answered, you would’ve probably missed a chance to reconnect with him.

fuck it, you thought as you accepted the call.

“(y/n)!” bokuto called out to you, sending your heart running thousands of miles an hour. it had been ages since you heard your name come out of his mouth, “how’ve you been? a little birdy told me you needed a little company.”

you had to hold yourself back from smiling too much as you could already feel your cheeks ache. you wanted to scoff and perhaps groan at the sudden embarrassment of what akaashi could’ve told him. “bo—” you started, but is immediately cut off.

yet another familiar voice emitted from bokuto’s line, almost as if they were shouting, “you’re supposed to say that i’m here too, idiot!”

the volleyball player chuckles, “oh sorry, iwa-chan! here.” muffles and cups clanking against each other travel through to line to what you assume is bokuto handing his phone over to iwaizumi.

“uh... hi.” his voice sounded deeper than usual.

“hi iwa, how have you been?” you chuckle, finding his sudden shyness absolutely adorable.

“good, good. i’ve uhh... missed you.”

“i do too.”

“yeah, yeah, you miss me most though right?” bokuto’s loud voice thunders through the call.

the juxtaposition of how daftly different they were was something you could never get enough of. perhaps it was at that moment you finally understood your loneliness through their bickering. you were in fact homesick, but the home that you were thinking of wasn’t what you were missing the most. you suppose the home you missed was them. they were your home.

you let out an amused laugh, “right.”

“that’s good because iwaizumi and i should be mad at you for ghosting us for the past month, but we understand since akaashi explained to us already.”

your eyes suddenly widen into saucers, panicking what he could have possibly said. “what did he tell you?”

“everything,” bo sings.

you audibly groan in embarrassment, throwing your head back onto the couch in retaliation. you were glad they couldn’t see how flushed and red your cheeks were right now as they even extended out to the tips of your ears.

“you know it would’ve been easier to say that you love the both of us and didn’t want to choose right?” iwaizumi points out in between your panic.

“exactly!” cuts in bokuto, “besides we don’t sharing you, you know. who knew you were such a prude, (y/n).” you could practically hear the smirk in his voice as you couldn’t stop the heat from spreading any further from your face.

now you were really glad they weren’t able to see you at that moment. if they did, you would’ve died from the embarrassment then and there. “give me a break, i was too embarrassed to ask,” you mutter, fearing that they could hear how fast your heart was beating through the call.

“ask what?” iwaizumi teases, “ask if you could date the both of us?”

you were internally screaming at this point. everything that you didn’t think was going to happen, happened all within five minutes and you honestly couldn’t believe it. you were pinching yourself as if you were in a dream, yet no matter how hard you squeezed, this was actually happening. “shut up!” was all you could say.

“even if you did ask... it’s not like we could ever say no to you, (y/n).” says bokuto, his words so enticing that you weren’t sure if you’re heart can handle any more of this.

his words left you absolutely speechless. you honestly didn’t know what to say at this point.

"i’m fine with it and bokuto’s fine with it.” iwaizumi says, “it’s just a matter if you’re willing.” 

bokuto then leans forward towards his phone, “so what do you say, (y/n)?”

you swallowed the lump of nerves forming into your throat as the one question you never thought you would ever be asked was right in front of you. and yet you still hesitated despite everything that had just happened. you loved them both, so why weren’t you answering?

a few beats of silence passed before your gained the courage to push out the the very words, “... i’ll think about it.”

“boo! that’s lame!” bokuto shouts.

“i’ll give you guys an answer when i get back home.” you add, hoping to ease the disappointment they were probably feeling at that very moment.

“that won’t be for another few months, though.” iwaizumi deadpans that you could practically see the pout on both of their faces. “but we’ll promise to wait for you, (y/n).”

and so they waited for you to come back home, but you never did. schedules misaligned even when you were finally back home in tokyo. bokuto was getting progressively more busy now that the olympics were coming up and iwaizumi was just as busy, if not busier with the amount of athletes he had to take care of. there was even a constant flying back and forth from tokyo to los angeles for the film, all of which lasted for a few weeks at a time and you swear your couldn’t catch a break.

this went on for months with the only contact between you and the boys were from texting and phone calls that ended up shorter than you anticipated. and now a year had past since you left and this very movie premiere would be the first time you have seen iwaizumi and bokuto for the first time in a year.

this was so ironic how this all played out. you haven’t even realized you already reached the end of the red carpet when an interviewer calls out your name, microphone in hand and a camera pointed directly at your face.

“ms. (y/l/n)!” the woman shouts over the ruckus of snapping photos and other interviewers asking questions to the actors behind you. “there has been rumors going around about your dating life. are you dating msby’s bokuto koutarou or their athletic trainer iwaizumi hajime, who has been getting a lot of attention from stan twitter just recently! could you share some insight on your live life as love cemetery’s creator?”

“um,” you start, not sure how to answer the question as you nervous chuckled, “that’s a secret i’m afraid i can’t tell.”

before the woman could ask you any other questions, you walked away from the carpet and rushed towards the banquet hall. thankfully, akaashi and kaori was nearby and gratefully took your place in the interview without a second thought.

you let out a relieved sigh as much of the noise from the premiere died down as the only people inside the banquet hall were movie critics, the film crew, and other celebrities who were invited. by now, no one in this room would have the audacity to ask you such a personal question which caused weights to fall off your shoulder. you honestly should be used to those types of questions right now as a webtoon author that literally writes romance, but it always catches you off guard when you least expect it. honestly, you were just glad you didn’t slip up.

as a small little reward for yourself, you grab a flute of champagne from the refreshment table, decorated all fancy that you even hesitated to mess up the display. you turn around to face the growing crowd of mingling individuals, talking and laughing amongst each other as you sipped your drink gently. but as you watch you feel a presence on either side of you, both of which sent your heart soaring and a smile to appeared on your cherry colored lips. you didn’t even have to look them up and down to see how handsome they both looked. to think they were all yours.

“so what did you tell that interviewer?” bokuto asks nonchalantly as if he could just get away from a proper greeting. you were surprised he didn’t just engulfed you into his arms then and there.

instead, you opted to play along, “about what?” you tested with a smirk.

“the question about who you’re dating,” iwaizumi adds in from your other side.

you shrug, taking a sip of your champagne, “you guys probably wouldn’t like the answer i gave her.” you could feel the brazen stares bokuto and iwaizumi were giving each other—competitive and oddly provoking.

“she probably said she was dating me,” bokuto hums in response, confidence radiating off him that it caused you to scoff.

“i doubt it,” debates iwaizumi, giving him the same energy. “she probably said she was dating me.”

“actually,” you cut in before the two could possibly start bickering with each other, “i remember specifically saying that i’d thinking about it.” 

the boys give you a look, downing their drinks as if they were like the shots they swallowed many nights ago at that bar. it was as if they were trying to win your over again like your feelings had changed since then. 

“oh yeah?” bokuto starts, inching closer towards you while iwaizumi rested his arm on the table behind you.

“so what do you think, (y/n)?” says iwaizumi.

they both towered over you, just inches away from your body, but you didn’t cower or back away. if anything there was a playful smirk inevitably resting upon your lips.

now this, was going to be fun.

fun facts! —

sugawara has five rolls of film he had to get developed once they wrapped filming in osaka, each roll is from each city they went to for filming

iwaizumi and bokuto became really close friends when y/n left for la as they bonded over getting ghosted

bc of this,, bokuto posted a pic of him and iwa on his instagram and it got lots of attention that iwa went viral on stan twitter

taglist: (closed!)

@moonlightaangel @elianetsantana @k4tiepie @memorableminds @wheeshllumi @suhkusa @kitsunetea @airybby @noeminemi @truly-a-snitch @keichan @cosmicmermaid25 @bap-kingdom @saturnfarie @kwdflash @ennos-baby @dinablossom @chrisrue15 @seikamuzu @nestlevanilla @chasekudo @yammmers @pixcldust @iwaizluv @h0ngh0ngh0ng @emogrils @tiredandkindaoverworked @tsumue @underratedmage @bokutosuwus @kellesvt @unstableye @oh-tapeworm @scrappyfka @alittlebitofrain @mxngy @tpwkatsumu @atsumuwoah @macchiatoast @dicerawr @kageyamasbabygorl @some-random-stranger-007 @vhskenma @wntrmn @little-plants @stargirlara @kissungjae @je11yfishwriter @sbaepsae @apollochjld

[ditttiiiwrecks]

OT7 Fic Rec Master Post:

 last updated (16/05/2021) 

If my master-list is anything to go by I am clearly obsessed with ot7, so here are some of my favs. 

Some of these stories are linked from Ao3. If any of those fics have been cross posted to Tumblr, please let me know. 

Current Fic Count: 25

Give all these amazing authors some love ♡ & To all the authors, Thank you so much for writing. I am so beyond grateful for all the work and time that you put in to writing these stunning pieces of literary art. 

This list is by no means complete, so if you have any recommendations, send em my way! ♡ Happy Reading!

~Love, @ditttiii  ♡

1) Void by @btssavedmylifeblr

Summary: You are the only female crew member on a 12 year space mission with seven handsome men. The sexual tension is real, y’all. 

2) Make You Know Love by @btsismybiass 

Summary: Growing up, Jungkook had always shared everything with his brothers; toys, food, clothing, friends, and even girls. The seven were inseparable — secrets were not allowed. Halfway through senior year, Jungkook was sent to a school halfway across the world, though he wouldn’t tell anyone (that didn’t already know) why. Years later, he has an adjoining apartment with his best friend (who is hopelessly in love with him) and 6 brothers he has yet to tell her about. One night, she comes barging into his home unannounced only to be met with a group of sexy foreign strangers.

3) Armed to the Fangs by @jingabitch

Summary: You grew up in the Hunter’s Guild, understanding that it is your sacred duty as a hunter to protect humanity from the vampires that lurk in the dark, draining the life from anyone unlucky enough to be caught. While making the rounds one night, you encounter Taehyung, a fabled born vampire - not that you know that when he tries to entice you into a dark alley. Next thing you know, you’re kidnapped and taken to their home, where you realise that all of them somehow crave your blood and seem to know more about your past than you do. Finding out about where you came from might be the key to setting humanity free.

4) Sanctuary by @softykooky

Summary: some people are lucky enough to be born into a family that loves them. others meet their family in a coffee shop while on the run from the korean ambassador, while they’re holding a man at gunpoint and beating him to a pulp for treason against their syndicate.

5) Eunoia by @wishesunderthestars

Summary: You are a world famous director and you have dedicated your life to your job.You have everything you could ever dream of; wealth, recognision, talent, your friends and family. But loneliness ins’t cured by success. So what happens when you somehow rescue seven hybrids? Can they fill the void?

6) Tangled Hearts by @writersrealmbts

Summary: You have seven hybrids and life with them can be both good and stressful. Some days are better than others, but in the end, you know that they’re always there for you, in more ways than one.

7)  Diamond Tears and Little Wings by @writersrealmbts 

Summary: You’re a fairy, taken in by BTS. You need lots of love and care, otherwise your light will fade and you turn to stone. Between the seven of them, you should never feel unloved. Right?

8) Rose & Thorns by @minniepetals 

Summary: a lone rose, a little broken, until Jungkook came along and the two of you saved each other. and in doing so, Jungkook showed you a world where he shared with his six other mates.

9) The Butter Series by @minniepetals

Summary: their names alone had every men and women turning their heads and falling at their feet. successful, prestigious, handsome, rich and untouchable to anyone that looked their way. and you? you were just an employee who worked for them. who would have known you meant so much more to them than you could ever imagine?

10) Stray Cat Strut by Bang to the Tan (TyphloticHaruspex)

Summary: When your grandmother passes away, she leaves her countryside house in your name. The longer you stay, the harder and harder it becomes to explain away the odd happenings. What kind of secrets does this sleepy town hold? And why do the local animals act so strangely around you?…

11) BACK HOME by @alexlwrites

Summary: : The one where, after living abroad for years, you move back to Korea and your old high school friend Namjoon offers you his place to stay while you get settled, casually forgetting to mention that: a) he still had a massive crush on you. b) he lived with six other guys.

12)  A Hundred Percent Human by Wrienne

Summary: In which you are forced to take care of seven hybrids in a twist of fate. After your estranged mother passes away, you're left with an unwanted will and the heavy burden of responsibility. Although you're desperate not to stray from the familiar path you thought was laid out in front of you with a fully human boyfriend who loves you more than anything, your life is thrown upside down once more after another unfortunate incident (that may or may not have to do with said boyfriend) occurs. Drunk and down on life, you finally decide to deal with the house and the unsavory business your mother left behind. However, to your shock, you find that seven very different hybrids are included with both the house - and the business. Seven hybrids you never even met before - even less agreed to take care of. Set in the not too distant future where infertility has become mankind's greatest issue. Will contain sexual content.

13)  I’ll Still Stay by @sugamoonv

Summary: Y/N, living in a society where hybrids are seen as commonly as pets and working a well-paying job, finally decides to adopt a hybrid for herself. But what happens when instead of one new companion, she leaves with seven? And what happens when nature decides that these companions are meant to be more than that?

14)  The Gateway to Your Heart by @justimajin

Summary:  ❝You gave me the best of me, so you give you the best of you.❞

15)  Like I Do by interlude__dream

Summary:  It's summer in Seoul. You didn't expect much to happen during your nights working at a coffee shop, but somehow, giving one kid a sandwich wrapped up your fate with seven hungry boys more tightly than you could have ever imagined.

16)  w e a r e a l l m a d h e r e by cath_mg

Summary: In which you're a model student who just managed to catch not just one, not two, but all seven 'transfer students' who just happened to visit your university.At the end of the road, will you stay or will you run? Or...

17)  Follow Me Down by ARMY_BRAT

Summary:  It was supposed to be a simple vacation to a foreign land. You certainly didn’t expect to wake up drugged and caged like an animal in the basement of seven beautiful men.

18)  Sharing is Caring by always_bias_wrecked

Summary:  You decide to let the rest of Bangtan watch you and your boyfriend Jimin have sex one time. Now suddenly everyone seems to want a piece of you, and Jimin doesn't seem to mind sharing.

19)  Ruin Me, I Dare You. by porcelainbones

Summary: Where a regular wannabe author discovers the members of the biggest band in the world are her soulmates. All Seven. (not a reader insert)

20) Abundance by @angelicyoongie

Summary: You never expected that you would end up adopting a hybrid, and if someone had told you that you would end up with seven? Well, you would have thought they were crazy. But here you are, with three different packs of hybrids that don’t get along – but all want to stay with you. Yeah, it turns out crazy is an understatement.

21) You Never Walk Alone by @agustdakasuga

Summary: You live a quiet life in your late grandfather’s cabin in the woods. You go to school just to graduate and get your diploma, not to make friends or stand out from the crowd. That was until one day, you enter your home to see a pack of wolves that need shelter.

22)  Accidental Friends by erakun

Summary:  Meet Bangtan, international superstars, the pride of South Korea, the love and hope in the dark of many lives, the role model and celebrity crush of so many people, and a group of people you often stumble across in your day to day life. You become acquaintances, slowly become friends, and- that's it. You are in a platonic friendship with Bangtan. Let me say it again. *clears throat* PLATONIC.

23)  Lifeline by @forgottenpasta

Summary: What happens when a witch curses seven vampires to share one fated mate between them?

24) Restitution  by @cloudteawrites 

Summary: When an estranged uncle leaves you his massive fortune you wonder if the universe is playing a joke on you. when that fortune comes with seven hybrids, you know for sure that it is.

25) The Lore of the Forest by spield

Summary: Nothing ancient and magical is ever really lost. When the descendants and heirs of the myths and legends come together to live a normal life, something - someone - is thrown into their plans. Bringing with them aid, magic and so much more.

[anerdinallherglory]

Approaching Sun (30)

Author’s Note: Happy late Valentine’s Day! Fun note: I actually started A.S. on this very same holiday a couple years back. And I did not expect the length or plot this story has taken at allll. Again, I am sorry this is so late. I am hoping to update a LOT more this summer (only one summer class this time!) Unless I get the new job that I am hoping for (fingers crossed). But if I get this job, my free time to write will really open up for me. So it’s a win-win for this story either way.

Also, I want to especially thank these readers: adarkunicorn, softshelldefence, seafoamsands, hatakeliz, harza4925, peachop, cheese-and-biscuits, epitomeofprocrastination, tamnobela, and andreeastroe. These readers really encouraged me to keep writing this story after I was ready trash and take it off all of its publishing sites. You can thank them this story continues.

To all my reviewers, I seriously love you ALL. I am hoping I will get to a point where I can take a break from student emails and respond to each and every one of your reviews in the future. That will be my new year’s resolution this year! I am going to be better. You are all amazing and bring me so much joy and encouragement.

Pairing: SasuSaku

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29

Chapter 30: A Very Dangerous Game

Sasuke hated Kaguya’s sand dimension even more than he disliked the desert that covered the vast majority of the Land of Wind. This dimension was forever hot despite that the dimension’s otherworldly moon hung low in the dark horizon, a massive orb of blinding white that mirrored the Earth’s moon in exact replica. Sasuke had always felt like the illusion was a reminder of the Otsusuki people, and that Kaguya had designed this dimension to display something that reminded her of home. To Sasuke, the dimension moons eerily reminded him of Kaguya’s pupil-less irises, always watching the spaces that existed between nothing.

Glaring at it in paranoid response, Sasuke, deprived of chakra now, walked toward it slowly and determinedly as a challenge. He would show her exactly how her dimensions were now his domains. The Uchiha decided he would walk freely here because he couldn’t do as he pleased his own world. He wanted to scream curses at that eye-like globe, demanding the Otsusuki show up and take him on now in his weakened state.

“Come on!” he screamed. “All of you! What are you waiting for? Let’s get this over with! I will find you all eventually!” He wanted it done. He wanted this over. He wanted to have a life despite his promise to be the worlds’ sacrifice for peace.

As if to taunt him, Sasuke’s shuffling feet snagged over something in the sand, and he glanced down at his feet in surprise. A ninja’s vest, half-burnt away from acid, displayed itself like a green bearing flag left behind by those who had explored a barren planet. Even though Sasuke had been the only human to ever walk here, Sakura’s old vest that Sasuke had used as a teleport connection between dimensions back when he had been trapped here, always served as a call to his more current jumps. In other words, every time Sasuke had come here over the past couple of years, no matter where he opened the portal, he would always land within a few feet of it.

In the past, he had thought of removing it because it was a painful reminder in many ways. But as he returned consistently to the same spot, Sasuke began to theorize that it had something to do with his ability to travel here. At first, Sasuke believed it was because during teleportation, his path crisscrossed into a connection that had already been created and used before—this was the most likely explanation; his chakra simply wasn’t strong enough to rip a new tear in the fabric of space and time. But as he looked at it now, Sasuke wondered if there was more to it than that. Did emotions tie him to this piece of fabric? And because Sasuke’s friends always existed somewhere in the back of his mind, did his chakra seek it out as something familiar to secure itself to before flinging him through the vacuum of nothingness?

Sasuke glared back at the moon in hatred, wondering too, if it could be just a sick part of Kaguya’s illusions, knowing that the vest had in the past and always, always would continue to stop the Uchiha in his tracks. A temptation reminding him of a different life, one that would cause him to ignore the Otsusuki. Kaguya would want that.

He sat down beside it despite how much he wanted to turn and walk away from it as he always had. This time, he let it be his beacon out of the void, drawing some sort of strength from it in his chakra-deprived state. The whole point of being this exhausted was to avoid thinking of her, but the tattered shinobi vest always pricked him with guilt, especially now when he had left her alone in Sunagakure despite his promises of partnership. It was as if the green material had a voice of its own, saying “See how far she would go for you?” And Sasuke, keeping his thoughts private from the ever-watching rock above, would think to himself “I am doing this for her, too. She will understand eventually. She will accept just how far I am willing to go for this peace we both envision. We have the same goal.”

As Sasuke thought these thoughts again, Sasuke accepted that if they couldn’t be united in love, then at the very least, they would be united in the same goal, the same vision of happiness. It comforted him ever so slightly.

He sighed as he fingered the chakra pills at his waist, guilt invading his chest and suffocating him. How could he tell her his true feelings and make her accept what he was willing to accept? How could he satisfy the both of them and do the least damage?

Sasuke exhaled and leaned back in the sand once more to sleep, sweat beading across his brow in the high temperature. He turned on his side and faced the vest in exhaustion, pretending it was her—pretending to be satisfied with this small piece of the woman he loved and would ever allow himself to dream this close to.

. . . . . . . . . . .

The blackness pervaded all of Sakura’s senses as soon as her feet hit the ground opposite the giant hole she had just created in the sand. She blinked hard, hearing the cursing and alarmed proclamations of those she had attacked. The darkness was like a leaden mist before her eyes and Sakura instinctively created the sign of “release” for genjutsu. And whether it was from her lack of chakra, or because this was a ninjutsu, Sakura’s attempts yielded zero results. The blackness remained and blinded her past several inches in front of her face. When she heard Isao’s shout for her, she had no choice but to dart forward blindly, determined to reach him before someone else did.

“Let go of me!” the child screamed, his pursuer unfortunately catching up with him. Sakura navigated through the pillars of sand-dripping earth that now projected themselves in the air around her. With hands outstretched, she cursed herself. The blow had meant to disorient her opponents and it had, but this damn thickening darkness made it difficult to move forward through the landscape of her own destruction. Thankfully, the waterfalling crumble of sand masked her rushed footfalls.

The kunoichi drew upon her chakra once more, but it came as slowly as before, the medicine still lingering in her system with its toxic chakra clotting effects. Sakura moved hurriedly ahead, hoping that she wasn’t the only one choked with darkness.

Isao’s curses came and Sakura finally rounded a huge boulder to find herself facing the back of the thug’s head. He had his massive hands around the child’s throat, weapon tossed aside in favor of a crueler death to the victim that had caused him so much trouble. Despite his struggle for his life, Isao made eye contact with her the moment they were close enough to see each other. His attacker saw recognition register in the boy’s eyes and spun to face her. But it was too late. Sakura’s kunai was slicing the gray flesh of his throat before he even had time to see her, a final blow that had been delayed from earlier, but determined by fate to be his cause of death. The brutish ninja dropped to the ground instantly and Sakura justified the blood that pooled freely at her feet by remembering his cruel actions to the child that struggled to catch his breath before her.

Sakura picked up the abandoned weapon, the weight unfamiliar in her hands. The sound of the man’s death had betrayed her position, and the footsteps of his companions crunched closer to her location. Terrified, Sakura clutched the child, pushing him behind the jagged column of rock behind her.

“Isao,” she pleaded in a whisper. “You have to make a run for it.”

“I won’t leave you,” he declared, determined to fight to his death for her.

“The only thing you can do for me now is to go get help,” she said honestly. It was a half-truth. There were only a few realities before them, and Isao making it back to the village and bringing help was not likely due to how much time it would take. But Sakura was desperate to remove the brave child from the scenario. She cared too much to let him sacrifice himself for her.

“Miss—” he protested, but Sakura propelled him forward in the blinding darkness, an enemy’s footsteps rounding the earth that cloaked him. It was too late to argue, and Sakura turned to face the phantom-man who stepped toward her in visibility, shadows curling around him as he cleared a path through the inky mist.

Sakura faced him squarely, taking a defensive stance and raising the wicked katana with her sharper green eyes, sending a stare to him along the metal’s surface. The shadow-wielding ninja smirked and the rest of his crew appeared beside him.

“Go!” she screamed in final command at the child whose feet took off into the black at her back.

Sakura brandished the sword in confident threat at her attackers, herself serving as the shield between herself and Isao; they wouldn’t move an inch in pursuit of his direction if she had anything to do with it. Sakura had never wielded a sword before, but in the absence of chakra, she would become a master at it in this moment. Sakura was a kunoichi, a medic, a chakra control master, the pupil of a legendary Sanin, a rising legend herself, and today, she would add something else to her list. Scratch that. She would two things tonight: she would eradicate this new movement of anti-peace revolutionaries, and she would do it at disadvantage with the weapon of her enemy.

. . . . . . . .

As Isao ran, he clutched his side in pain, a sharp stab in his waist. The man who Sakura had killed moments before must have broken one of his ribs as he crushed Isao to the ground. At first, the young ninja pitched forward in blackness, half-debating to turn back to help the pink-haired ninja. But Isao knew the truth. He had been foolish to pursue her and her kidnappers alone and he cursed himself for his rash decisions in his fear of losing sight of them; he should have told someone else even if he lost their trail. Any of them, anyone at allwould have been better help to Miss Haruno than he had been.

Isao’s bravery amounted to nothing and it was evident in every piercing word from the medic kunoichi: The only thing you can do for me now is to go get help … Isao let the command fuel him forward despite the pain, until the night faded into morning hours later and the mighty walls of the Sand Village came into view.

He didn’t know how much time had passed and he didn’t wait to scream for help. The Kazekage was not in the village—he had overheard that much. Neither was the teammate that traveled with Miss Haruno. He yelled the only name he could think of, the name his heart still cried out to despite how much he hated him. The roaring sand shrouded his cries, and the prison walls would buffer it completely, but Isao begged to the air, shouting over and over, “FATHER! HELP ME!”

. . . . . . . .

The taste of the chakra pill was bitter, smoky and acrid. The Uchiha almost gagged trying to swallow it down, and he silently confirmed that Sai had been right—although Sasuke hated to agree with anything his entitled replacement said. What had he called them? Mudballs? Despite the accurate term, Sasuke feared his kunoichi companion more than he hated the taste, so he would keep the complaint to himself.

The pill pooled in his stomach and Sasuke took a breath, focusing on the ignition starting in his core. The rush of power was exhilarating as it topped off his chakra supply, overflowing visibly in a blue-purple halo around him. It sizzled along his skin and Sasuke grinned wickedly as a spiraling vortex appeared before him, much larger than any he had been able to create on his own before.

This was it! It was working! He pushed beyond the core dimension easily, his ready supply of chakra speedily fueling the tunnel between the void, but it ate and ate away at his energy and the color disappeared from his skin. Running off his own meager supply now, Sasuke exhaled and grinded his teeth in concentration. Finally, the connection was made and Sasuke threw himself through it.

He landed roughly, skidding to a halt, and he was ironically thankful for once for the Land of Wind’s high volume of sand. Sasuke found himself smirking up at the lightening sky as he recovered, because this was his first victory in a long struggle of jumping dimensions. To the Uchiha, it was proof that he was doing exactly what he was meant to do: beat Kaguya and the Otsusuki clan at their own game in their own territory. Giddy in his success, Sasuke used the last of his dwindling energy to rise to his feet, his thoughts immediately turning to the woman who had helped make this all possible—he hadn’t achieved this on his own; Sakura deserved the credit. And it was the first time that Sasuke could admit that he needed someone else’s help in his goal.

The dark walls of Sunagakure cut the bright morning horizon in half and Sasuke’s gut twisted in a combination of emptiness and guilt at the thought of returning to Sunagakure to face his friend after their… kiss. Sasuke was torn between finding her immediately to tell her that their plan had worked, pretending the kiss never happened in typical Uchiha fashion. But the time he had stolen away from her “to think” brought him to only one conclusion: he needed to apologize—again—and at least explain why. He had made her a promise to be a partner that depended on each other, and here Sakura was continuing to keep that promise, while Sasuke stole moments of happiness and bailed when he had to face the consequences. Suddenly remembering their sunset conversation the last time he had returned after leaving, Sasuke felt a fresh stab to his consciousness as he recalled her statement: “a part of partnership is communication.”

Sasuke slowly made his way toward the village gates. When he passed through the canyon-like entrance, people greeted him with “good mornings” while others stared openly at him. Their gazes were a little different, warmer, and Sasuke wondered if his teammate’s influence in the hospital had something to do with his newreception in Sunagakure now.

Feeling even more ashamed, Sasuke resolved himself for his female companion’s wrath and made a straight line for the hospital.

When he entered the hospital’s double doors, Sasuke came upon a scene that made his stomach drop into his feet. Kankuro, who was haggard from exhaustion, and had apparently returned sometime in the night, was fisting the collar of a hospital staff member.

“What do you mean they’re not here?” he bristled. “If she’s not in her rooms, then she should be here. Where’s Mako? Where’s the kid?”

“I don’t know sir,” came the panicked response from the employee, terrified to be facing the Kazekage’s right-hand man. “I’m sure they’re in the village somewhere.”

Hearing those words had Sasuke acting before thinking and the Uchiha rushed forward to fist the shirt of the same medic. “Are you talking about Sakura?” His eyes darted between the both of them and Kankuro’s grip released from the startled staff’s shirt in the same moment he shoved Sasuke’s own hand away.

“Where the hell have you been?” Kankuro accused icily, and a fire Sasuke didn’t even know he had left in him, surged from his throat in anger.

“What the hell is happening?” he demanded, taking another step toward the puppet wielder.

Kankuro pinched his nose in frustration, then beheld him in shock. “You mean Sakura isn’t with you?”

Sasuke eyes widened in immediate response, an answer refusing to form on his lips. Instead, he shouted, “You don’t know where she is?!”

Kankuro frowned deeper at his sudden animosity. “She hasn’t been seen since yesterday morning,” he explained quickly. “The innkeeper said she never came back to the inn. Mako, another medic, and Sakura’s young patient are missing too.”

Sasuke didn’t wait for any further explanation before he began sprinting up the stairs to the second floor of the hospital, the filter for his behavior now completely removed. Let everyone think what they want! That bastard! When Sasuke got ahold of Mako, he wasn’t sure what he would do. Sasuke’s feet were unusually heavy and his breath labored as he continued climbing to the third floor toward the medicine preparation room they had occupied together only recently.

“Sakura?!” He kicked open the door and furiously searched the vacant room with his eyes. After seeing no one, Sasuke stared at the empty couch where they had sat so close to one another the night before last. As if his memory of her there could recall her, Sasuke gazed openly at it, breathing hard.

Having followed the Uchiha, Kankuro appeared in the door behind him. “We’ve already checked the hospital. She isn’t here. We need to check the rest of the village, quickly!”

She couldn’t be missing. Was she really with that assistant of hers or that child?  Were they off somewhere else doing something medical, or were they truly missing? Shit. Shit. Shit.

He turned on Kankuro in his unnerved rage. Sasuke wanted to demand where they had been, he and the Kazekage, but Sasuke remembered that Sakura had told him that they were investigating trouble near the border. He cursed himself again for being selfish and leaving her here alone.

As if reading his thoughts, Kankuro explained, “I was sent back by the Kazekage in the night. He is handling a situation regarding the ninja Sakura said ambushed you both in Tanigakure. The incidents were apparently related.”

“What do you mean?” Sasuke suddenly asked, a deep and cutting sensation coming over Sasuke that he hadn’t felt in a very, very long time: fear.

Kankuro looked down and away from him, debating on how much to reveal. “With some unmentionable methods, we were finally able to find out who their target was,” he finally informed with a sigh. His eyes rose to meet Sasuke’s and the Uchiha saw the same raw fear mirrored in Kankuro’s eyes. “It’s Sakura.”

At the very moment that Sasuke’s knees felt like collapsing beneath his weight, the same staff member that the two ninja had threatened seconds before, came running into the room, panting heavily from having hiked the floors.

“Come quickly,” he urged between breaths, turning immediately to run back down the steps. “Isao has returned.”  

Kankuro made eye contact with the Uchiha before they both bolted back down the stairs, taking two and three steps at time. Sasuke cursed his lack of chakra that kept him from just teleporting downstairs.

Sitting in a chair, the child clutched his side. Sasuke noticed that he kept trying to rise, but the staff held him down as they tried to bandage a wound on his arm. Deep purple finger marks circled around the child’s neck like a collar.

“Not me! Her! Go find her, please!” he shouted as he struggled against them.

“Calm down boy,” a woman medic urged. “We have to staunch the flow of blood from your arm.” The child looked at his wound as if he didn’t even know it had been there.

When Isao caught sight of Sasuke and Kankuro, he started to cry. “HELP! Please help!” he shouted, and they quickly moved to hover over the child. Kankuro suddenly kneeled before him, taking the gauze from the medic and wrapped the child’s arm himself as he questioned.

“Speak kid,” Kankuro urged, “What is going on?”

“Miss Haruno,” he choked between tears. “She’s still out there! Please, we have to go!”

Before Kankuro could ask the child why, Sasuke did something appalling, an act that Sakura would be disappointed in him for. His sharingan flashed bright, soaking up the last of his chakra like a sponge, and he caught the panicked child’s stare in his own crimson and purple one.

Just as he had to Isao’s father, Sasuke stepped into the child’s memories. Isao’s recollections were almost too overwhelming for Sasuke to handle at the moment, each image dripping with the fear in which young ones saw the ninja world. There was also bravery in them and familial concern for the pink-haired kunoichi. Sasuke skipped through the memories like speeding up a film, an act that made his head throb in pain. He didn’t care about his own state at the moment though, seeking the green-eyed face of the woman he had come to love.

There. Isao’s most recent memory Sakura was of her telling him “to go get help.” Sasuke didn’t have time to go back further and he let the memories play out from that point, mapping the child’s nighttime desert sprint, hours long, from the empty desert back to the gates of the village.

Not needing to explore the child’s mind further, he released Isao and they both gasped. Sasuke clutched his eye, ignoring the angry glare on Kankuro’s face. He didn’t care about Kankuro’s morals or even the child’s shocked state at that moment. There was only one thing he cared about. He would let the child explain the details to Kankuro; Sasuke didn’t have the time to explain things to Kankuro. Instead, the Uchiha did the unthinkable, playing the very dangerous game of popping another chakra pill into his mouth as he sprinted out the hospital doors.

.

.

[chloelucia13]

To Dream

Pairing: Spencer Reid x reader

Prompt: After a case takes a turn for the worst, Spencer can’t help the doubt of your future riddling his brain. But when he closes his eyes, everything is okay. If only for a moment. Based off the song “Epiphany” by Taylor Swift

Warnings: angst, a little fluff, mentions of death, language, violence, gore, it’s just a ride y’all (italics are memories, words in bold are dreams)

Word count: 4.1k

A/N: So I’ve gotten sucked into the Criminal Minds fandom, and now it’s time to do what I do best: write sad fan fiction. I hope you all enjoy! My requests are open 24/7 and so is my taglist!

Tags: @sojournmichael​

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

You’ve done this a million times. The case was so simple, so easy to dissect. 

Maybe you got cocky. Maybe you underestimated the unsub. Maybe this was all your fault.

Nausea churned in your stomach as you screeched to a halt in front of the old auto body shop. You knew that you would find a house of horrors as soon as you stepped inside, but the adrenaline in your veins told you to ignore your hesitation and the breakfast from this morning that was crawling up your esophagus.

“I’m going in,” you announced, unbuckling your seatbelt and nearly throwing yourself out of the car. 

“Y/N, wait, you need backup,” Spencer shouted after you as you hurried to the entrance.

You stopped in front of the building, turning to give him a look. “Spence, you heard his message.” 

This man, this murderer, seemed to be infatuated with the media coverage of the case. You caught on to the fact that he was following along closely with the case after he sent a haunting letter to the precinct, detailing where he was and that he would give himself up to the police, as long as his legacy would not be forgotten.

 Turns out, the media coverage wasn’t the only thing he was infatuated with. 

It was realized at the beginning of researching this case that you fit his type to a t, but you never expected that it would become this.

His other request? That you were the only one to capture him and take him into custody.

Spencer opened his mouth to argue but you cut him off. “If anyone goes in there but me, it’ll be a bloodbath,” you reminded him.

He gulped, weighing his options for a moment. “Fine. The rest of the team is on the way. As soon as you’ve got him, radio to me and we’ll send everyone in,” he instructed, worry marring his features.

“Everything’s gonna be fine. I promise, doc.” You gave him a gentle smile before turning on your heel and entering the building, your gun drawn.

The smell of coagulated blood and decomposition hit your nostrils the moment you stepped inside, making your stomach lurch. You bit down on your cheek so harshly the taste of copper tinged your tongue.

“Randy McAllister, this is the FBI,” you announced your presence, edging around the corner into the main part of the garage.

“Ah, Agent Y/L/N, I thought you’d never make it,” a voice hummed to the right of you.You turned your head to see him standing with a gun in his right hand, a woman on her knees in front of him.

“Let her go, Randy. She’s got nothing to do with this.”

He chuckled. “Oh darling, she has everything to do with this. She’s my replacement for you, can’t you tell?” He glided the tip of his gun against her forehead, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

“Then give me her, and you can get what you want.”

“You really thought I was gonna be that easy?” He clicked his tongue. “Take off your vest.”

You scoffed. “I’m not taking off my vest.”

he clenched his jaw, hovering his finger over the trigger. “Take off your vest or I’ll blow her fucking brains out!”

You knew not to question him. He’d done it five times already, so what’s stopping him from doing it again.

You slowly slid your gun into your holster before ripping the velcro apart, pulling your kevlar vest off and setting it on the ground. “There, are you happy?”

He grinned, baring his teeth like a rabid dog, before pushing the girl forward. You bent down and helped her up before directing her to run, waiting until you could no longer hear her footsteps before you drew your gun once more.

“Alright, Randy. I did what you wanted. Now drop your weapon and put your hands above your head.”

His grin slowly fell, letting his gun clatter to the ground before he rose his hands in the air, surrendering. 

You stepped behind him, yanking his hands behind his back and holding them together with one hand while you searched for your cuffs with the other. 

Everything moved so suddenly. 

A sharp crack echoed through the garage as he slammed his head back into yours, shattering the cartilage in your nose. You stumbled back, clutching onto your nose as you tried to regain your balance. 

He grabbed you by your shirt and threw you to the ground, climbing on top of you and wrapping a hand around your throat. You clawed at his hand and kicked with all your might, finally landing one solid blow to his groin. 

He swayed, and you gathered enough strength to roll him over, pinning him to the ground. 

But you didn’t account for his hands.

As you held his shoulders against the concrete, a shot rang out.

Your abdomen felt warm as the rest of your body felt as if it was stuck in a freezer. Slowly, you rolled off of Randy and laid on your back, staring up at the ceiling.

Voices began to echo around you, a muffled sound that mimicked the effect of your head being held underwater. “Agent down, we need a medic!”

Your eyelids fluttered open and closed at a snail-like pace, eyes flickering around the room to try and figure out what was going on.

And then they shot open wide as the burning sensation began, a feeling as if your organs were being shredded apart with red hot knives.

“Y/N, what happened?” 

Your eyes finally focused on Spencer’s face hovering above you, tears in his eyes. “Tis just a flesh wound,” you whispered, your lungs burning.

He glanced between you and the bullet wound in your chest. “Are you quoting Monty Python right now?”

You let out a chuckle, feeling tears begin to sting your eyes. “It’s what I do when I’m panicking. You should know that by now.” Slowly, you reached your hand down to where you felt the pain resonate, eyes growing wide when you felt something wet soak your hand. “Oh my god.”

Tears began streaking down his face, his lip caught in-between his teeth to keep from crying out. 

Without thinking, you reached your hands up to wipe away his tears, a look of terror residing on your face when a dark crimson smeared across his cheeks. “Oh god,” you gasped out, moving to pull your sleeves over your hands and try to wipe away the blood. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” The blood smeared around his cheek, and you felt the room spinning around you. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Just breathe for me. Calm down.”

You nodded, desperately trying to gasp in a solid breath, but to no avail. A sob left your lips, and you felt a rush of blood pour down your sides. “I-I can’t.” You shook your head. “I think... I think I’m bleeding out, doc.”

“No, no, don’t say that. You’re gonna be just fine.” He pulled away from your gaze for a moment to search around. “Where the fuck is the medic?!”

“Spence.”

His eyes fell back onto your face, hazel irises boring into yours as tears dripped down his face. You dedicated his face to memory, trying to remember the way his skin felt under your fingertips, the gentle scratch of his stubble, the way his hair would glide between your fingertips, worried that it you would never be able to experience it again.

“I love you,” you choked out, sniffling. “I love you so much.”

He nodded, a crease forming between his brows as he tried his hardest to contain his sobs. “I love you too. So much.”

He felt as if he died when he watched your eyelids slowly flutter closed, and then stopped moving altogether. He continued applying pressure to your wound, feeling your blood soak through his windbreaker and onto his hands.

Suddenly he was shoved away, and he watched in a daze as a group of medics quickly checked your vitals before lifting you on a stretcher and rushing you out of the building. He pushed himself to his feet and stumbled behind them, clambering into the back of the ambulance.

They attached an oxygen mask with a bag valve, attempting to pump oxygen into your lungs. He watched as your chest rose and fell, wishing it wasn’t being controlled by someone else.

The tips of your hair twirled between his fingers, a dazed look on his face as his eyes tracked each breath you took. Breathe in, gentle rise. Breathe out, gentle droop. He felt the soft rush of air against his skin, making his heart race under your cheek. 

He didn’t dare move, too worried that if he did, you would wake up. It was rare that he would see you in such a peaceful state, so fragile and unguarded. He wouldn’t dare ruin it. He never knew when it would be the last time he could witness it.

“Her vitals are crashing, she’s going into V FIB!” an EMT shouted, startling him back to the present. “Bring me the AED.” He watched as they applied two wired pads to your chest and turned up a dial, signaling before delivering an electric shock. Your body flinched from the shock, only for it to collapse back down and lay flat. 

He felt like he was going to vomit. His hands were clutching onto your free one, unable to tear his eyes away from your ashen face. 

He couldn’t decide if it would be better if you were in a black void, unaware of anything that was going on, or if you could feel and hear every single thing that was occurring. He mostly just hoped that you weren’t scared.

But the only thought on his mind, when they finally arrived to the ER and he watched you get rushed into the OR, was that he couldn’t live without you.

*** “Spence, you can head home. I’ll take over,” Emily instructed as she stepped into the waiting room, nudging his shoulder slightly.

He just shook his head, staring at the glass windows in front of him that peered into the hallways of the hospital. 

“You need to get some rest,” she persisted, sitting down next to him. “Just go lay down for a few hours, I’ll call you if anything happens.”

“I-I can’t just leave. If something happens...” Spencer mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. He couldn’t tell if he was being defensive, or if he was trying to desperately hold himself together. 

“She’s gonna be just fine. She’s a fighter.”

He let out a shuddering breath, his eyes falling closed for a moment. “The survival rate after going into V FIB is 50%.”

“Well, 50% seems like a pretty good probability to me.”

“That doesn’t account for the blood loss or oxygen deprivation. She lost over four pints of blood. The body goes into hypovolemic after losing only two pints. Any more than that, and the body will most likely fall into a coma.” 

Now he understood how everyone else felt when he spewed out facts. It was torturous, unwilling to allow him to slip away from the predicament for even a moment.

The image of your body bleeding out on the dirty floor was imprinted in his mind. Even if he didn’t have an eidetic memory, there was no way that he could ever forget it.

Emily pursed her lips. “But she’ll be alive. She might be banged up, but she isn’t gone. She’s not going anywhere anytime soon.” She squeezed his shoulder. “You know, if Y/N were here right now, she’d be yelling at you to go and take a nap.”

He let out a watery chuckle at that, sniffling slightly. “I can’t leave, Emily. Not until I hear something from the doctors.”

She sighed. “Fine. I’m gonna set a timer on my phone for 20 minutes, and you will sleep until that timer goes off. If you get up any time during that, I’m restarting the timer. Deal?”

“Emily-”

“Spencer, you know better than anybody the effects of sleep deprivation on a person. You’re not going to be any use here if you’re tired.”

He clenched his jaw, already feeling his eyelids begin to droop. “Fine. But only 20 minutes.”

***

He never thought that golden could be a feeling, until he met you. His whole being, his whole soul felt as if it was dripping with the warm yellow hue.

He may have felt golden, but you were golden. You were the sun to him, something that he treasured with his whole being but worried he would be blinded by your beauty, turned into mush from your warmth. He still risked it, staring at you for so long so he could memorize every aspect of you before his sight left him.

Your scent of sunshine and sweet morning dew lingered on everything he owned, and he was addicted to it. He could smell it now, swooning over it.

“Your hair’s getting shaggy, doc.”

Spencer hummed, fluttering his eyes open and seeing that his head was laying in your lap, the two of you perched underneath a tree in the park down the road from your shared apartment.

“Yeah? You want me to cut it?” he teased, shifting slightly to look up at you.

You grinned, ruffling his hair slightly before leaning down and pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. “Never.”

His eyes flickered over your face, taking in every small detail. “You’re so beautiful.”

You scoffed, gently gliding your finger along his jawline. “I can say the same for you, pretty boy.”

“I’m serious.” He huffed, sitting up and taking your hand in his, staring directly into your eyes for a moment. He mimicked your ministrations, taking his finger and tracing along your collarbone, against the angle of your jawbone, down the slope of your nose, and down the dip of your cupid’s bow. His eyes followed his finger, a small wrinkle forming between his brows. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

A grin settled on your face, gently pulling his fingers from your skin and pressing your lips to his fingertips. “What’s got you being so sappy?”

He let out a chuckle, shaking his head slightly before touching his lips to yours. “I’m so in love with you.”

A pleased sigh escaped your lips, and your eyes searched his. “I’m so in love with you too. Now will you please tell me what’s going on?” You shifted into his lap, entwining your arms around his neck and playing with his hair.

“I...” He gulped, his eyes squeezing shut for a moment. “I don’t want you to leave me.”

“Spencer.” The corners of your lips crooked into a frown and you rested a hand on his cheek. “What makes you think I’ll ever leave you?”

“Y/N, you’re dying.”

“What do you mean? I’m right here. And I know you’re not a medical doctor, but I know you’re smart enough to know when someone is alive.”

He shook his head, sniffling. “No, you-you’re laying on an operating table right now. This isn’t real. None of this is real.”

“It’s real enough, isn’t it?” 

He shot up with a gasp, immediately burying his head in his hands and letting out a shuddering breath.

“Spence, that was only eleven min-” Emily began.

He ignored her, pushing himself to his feet and propelling himself towards the bathrooms. He stumbled into the bathroom and gripped onto the edge of the sink, sucking in deep breaths until his lungs burned. Bile rose in his throat and he willed himself to keep it down, gaining enough strength to turn on the cold water and splash his face. 

A hand touched his shoulder and he stood up straight in a panic. “Calm down, man, it’s just me,” Derek consoled, holding his hands up. “Are you okay?”

Spencer shook his head fervently, running his hands over his face before pulling them through his hair. “I can’t lose her.”

Derek reached forward, grabbing Spencer’s shoulder and tugging him into a tight hug. ‘’You’re not gonna lose her. She’s strong, and she’s stubborn as all hell. If she’s gonna die, it’s gonna be by her own terms.”

And Spencer sobbed.

***

It had been over four hours, and the entire team still had yet to hear anything from the doctors. The sun had already set, and almost everyone had headed home for the night.

But Spencer was still sat in the waiting room, eyelids drooping lower and lower with each passing moment of silence.

He wanted so badly to sleep, to go back to that peaceful moment in his mind where he could lay with you and forget anything bad ever happened, but he couldn’t let himself. He couldn’t let himself succumb to a fantasy when in reality, you were laying on an operating table with multiple surgeons working to keep you alive. 

“Mr. Reid?”

Spencer rose to his feet at once, all feelings of exhaustion fleeing his body and being replaced with pure adrenaline. “Yes?”

The doctor gave him a curt nod before directing him into the hall. Spencer followed behind him and stood in a nervous silence as he watched her flip through a clipboard.

“She’s alive, and she’s in stable condition,” she explained, looking away from her clipboard.

He felt as if he was floating, a high he never even imagined was possible. 

“But she is in a coma, and probably will remain that way for the next few days.”

And there it was.

“But-But you think she’ll wake up?” Spencer rushed out, shifting from foot to foot.

“Definitely. Her body needs time to rest, but she’ll wake up as soon as she’s ready.” 

Spencer let out a sigh of relief, a small smile residing on his lips. “Thank you, doctor.”

“You’re a lucky man. We almost lost her, but she fought with all she had. She wanted to stay here.”

He knew that her claims were impossible, but there was an inkling in the back of his mind that maybe she was right. So, instead of responding, he just nodded. “Can-” He cleared his throat. “Can I see her?”

The doctor pressed her lips together in thought for a moment before nodding. “Right this way.”

He followed her through the hospital halls, leading him through the winding maze until they stopped in front of room 112. She gestured to the door before retreating, leaving him alone.

All attempts to catch his breath were futile for the moment he stepped through the door, all the air left his lungs. He couldn’t tell if he was staring at your sleeping form in horror or fondness as he inched towards your bedside, settling into the chair next to you.

“You’re alive,” were the only words he could formulate, repeating them like a mantra while he took your hand in his and pressed feather-light kisses to your knuckles. 

 Finally, he let his head rest against the thin blanket on your bed, and his eyes drooped closed. 

Poppies were your favorite flower. They symbolized peace, something neither of you were familiar with due to your jobs.

Spencer never understood how a flower could symbolize something so complex until he opened his eyes.

He was completely, utterly at peace.

You stood in a field of bright red poppies, a white dress cascading around your frame and a megawatt smile on your face.

Sunshine. Golden.

As if out of a scene from a romance movie (one that you probably forced him to watch), he ran through the fields, coming towards you. Once you were within reach, he wrapped both of his arms around your waist and clung onto you like a vice.

A breathless laugh fell from your lips as you returned the hug, letting your arms hook around his neck. “Hi, my love,” you whispered.

He knew none of this was real. He knew that every memory of you was being pulled from his brain all at once and letting him feel a moment of peace.

But he also knew that he wanted to stay here, at least for a little while.

“Hi, my love,” he echoed, burying his face in the crook of your neck.

“Are you alright?” You pulled away slightly, searching his eyes as you brought one hand to cup his face. “You’re crying.”

“I’m just fine.” He gave you a smile, gently taking your hand from his face and placing your hand in his own. “I’m perfect.”

“Are you sure? Did I do-”

“Y/N,” he interrupted, squeezing your hand gently. “Everything’s fine. Don’t worry.”

You took a deep breath and nodded, letting your shoulders drop. “Sorry, I just... I know you’ve been feeling sad lately. I just want to make sure it isn’t because of me.”

His brows furrowed together, worry lines settling on his forehead. “Of course not. Why would you think that?”

“Because every time you look at me, you cry.”

Those words made his heart drop to his stomach. He knew that this was all in his mind, but it was still your voice. He felt all the hurt, all the guilt. 

“I...” A small sob bubbled in his throat, and he pulled you back into his tight embrace. “I just don’t want to lose you. I’m not ready yet.”

You nodded, gripping onto the fabric of his shirt and holding him as close as you possibly could. “Well, right now, you have me. Is that not enough?”

“But it’s not real. I need the real you.”

“Then you have to wake up, my love.”

Wake up. Wake up. Wake up

“Spencer, wake up.”

His eyes flew open, a hand immediately coming up to rub at them. “What?” he grumbled, holding back a yawn.

“God, I’ve tried waking you up for the past five minutes.”

His eyes flickered up to see a pair of Y/E/C eyes staring back at him.

“You’re awake.”

“I can say the same thing about you, sleepyhead,” you teased, weakly patting his hand. 

“Oh my god. You’re okay.” He pushed himself to his feet and hovered his hands over your face, fearful that if he touched you, you would disappear.

“I’m okay, doc.” Your words were slurred, but that was expected. He still knew what you were saying, and even if he didn’t, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that you were awake, that you were alive.

He let out an incredulous laugh as he bent down and pressed a gentle kiss to your lips. “I thought I lost you.”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.” You hands slowly reached up, letting your fingers graze along his cheek. “Hi, my love.”

“Hi, my love.” He grinned at you. “I thought you weren’t supposed to be awake for a few more days, at least.”

“I guess I just had to wake up. I couldn’t stand being gone from you that long.” You pulled your lower lip between your teeth. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I-If I wasn’t so cocky, none of this would have happened. You all wouldn’t be wondering whether I’m gonna live or not. I wouldn’t be stuck in a hospital bed with a hole in my chest. You... You wouldn’t be crying.” You gestured to the tears on his cheeks as tears began to stream down your own. “I wouldn’t be crying.”

“Y/N,” he sighed, taking your hand in his and pressing his lips to the back of it. “None of this is your fault. Don’t you ever blame yourself for this.”

You nodded with a sniffle, pulling his hand to your lips and reciprocating his actions. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

The two of you sat in a comfortable silence for a moment, letting yourselves take in everything that was happening.

“Once you get released from the hospital and you’re healed, do you want to get married?”

Your eyes widened in shock at his words, searching his face to make sure that he was being honest. “Are you proposing?”

He shrugged, feeling his cheeks begin to burn. “I-I mean I don’t have a ring yet but... I think I am.”

“Well, if you think you’re proposing, I think I’ll say yes.”

Both of your cheeks ached from how wide you were smiling, that smile never faltering when he pressed his lips to yours and let them linger. 

“Can we have poppies at our wedding?” you mumbled against his lips.

He chuckled, nodding.

Pure sunshine.

[home-halone]

So, I finished MSQ yesterday and I have some thoughts I wanted to throw out into the void somehow because I'm definitely going to forget this if I don't. It's a mixed-feelings sort of review, so.... yeah. Be warned that there's some unfiltered disdain for characters (Zenos) I'm not so fond of lol. Honestly it sounds negative over-all but I don't hate the expansion I promise lol. super LONGGGGGGGG spoiler thread

!!! ENDWALKER SPOILERS !!! Honestly, what do I even say? I don't hate this expansion but I also don't love it as much as I wanted to. There were parts that blew my mind (though I wonder if it's not because those parts of the story owe it to Shadowbringers as a strong foundation), and there were parts that made me feel a little bit like it was cheesy bordering on parody. I really enjoyed the story opening with Thavnair and Sharlayan with the "branching" quest. There was a sense of urgency and a foreboding feeling that set the tone... kind of like Kholusia and Amh Araeng. Maybe a little too much. Still, I appreciated it for what it was. Garlemald was interesting, and it was nice to finally see what it's like on the other side, even though it's been ravaged by internal conflict and tempered Garleans. Some parts felt like "see, even evil Imperialists are like us, everyone is the same in suffering!!" but I expected as much. When those bits weren't too blatant, the level of nuance lent to Garleans as citizens rather than soldiers was refreshing. AND. THE BODYJACKING BIT? That part had such massive implications, with all kinds of lore peppered about previous expansions so it fit in perfectly and it was just the right flavor of creepy and obsessive for something Zenos would do. The sheer desperation you feel as you fight and crawl your way back to your allies because Zenos mentions something ominous about your strength being from your soul or your physical form or whatever. And then. It just never comes up again???????? Excuse me?? Literally bodyjacks the WoL, no one gets harmed, injured, nothing of consequence ever really comes out of it. Not even the concept of bodyjacking came back. I thought that maybe someone would get kidnapped and swapped without us knowing, but nope, it just. Evaporates. There is so much potential there!! To make me consider Zenos a villain again!! And not just a fucking clown with 0 awareness that I don't want to fight him 24/7 because I have better things to do. What better way to grab the WoL's attention than by bodyjacking them/their loved one?? In the end, Asahi just tricks him and his role in the story just diminishes greatly. It was super embarrassing and almost a joke how he was written here vs SB. His story really should have ended in Stormblood. Honestly, this was my first major disappointment and not the last. Speaking of Zenos, I feel crazy cause I read threads of people talking about how well done Zenos was in EW and I can't help but violently disagree. The whole thing was comical and even the framing in the story called it out. Even his final appearance was just shoehorned in and he was a convenient piece to help defeat the Endsinger. The fight after the Endsinger made it WORSE. The pacing made no sense because of his presence, the story should have picked up normally after defeating the big bad, but I feel like I was forced to watch a commercial break suddenly because it's some kind of emotional paywall for the payoff of finally DEFEATING THE CAUSE OF THE FINAL DAYS, and this kid who's been screaming fight me gets his wish? You know what would've been great? He asks us to fight him and you just DENY him at the edge of creation and LEAVE. And just DEVASTATE HIM. Or even, by the same note, doing so earlier in the story and having him be consumed by despair and defeat him as an abomination. That would be cool. But no. We got. That. Fistfight that ngl my WoL would not have the time nor the fucks to give. Also, rip lalafell players who had to watch their character do that, I saw a friend's stream and we couldn't stop laughing akljflkjgljg it was such a funny vibe??? My friends and I had this really interesting idea that might have improved his involvement in MSQ, that somehow he, like Ardbert was another reflection of ourselves maybe transplanted to the Source because of some incomprehensible Ascian shenanigans. It would explain the weird draw between the WoL and Zenos, but we could be forced to fight him to finally reabsorb him. Even that would make the story flow better, because

it'd power us up. Instead of ruining post-Endsinger with a fight that's completely meaningless. The concept of dynamis, Etheirys and Meteion are great, but I'm a little disappointed that none of them was ever even briefly mentioned in ShB, or before that. Them being introduced kind of telegraphs their role in the story/Final Days. Had they been in the XIV universe in some form, it would have made for a really, really good reveal and finale IMO. It's not like they don't have a wealth of concepts and stories to draw

from either, so I'm sure they could have drawn from somewhere to make it feel seamless. But right now they feel tacked on. Though, I do really like the idea of hope vs despair, I'll admit, and despair itself being such a powerful, transforming force. I don't know how I feel about the Fandaniel=Amon=Hermes reveal, I feel like there are too many layers there, and not in a great way. I don't understand the importance of making Amon distinct, asserting he is not Hermes but actually Allagan Amon. It feels like they wanted to just add that bit, but if it hadn't been Amon, it wouldn't really.. have changed the outcome? It's starting to feel like the team had too many ideas but still wanted to play safe based on their largest success, so it became like.... SB+ShB, and in some places it doesn't work well.

Elpis, oh my god, I thought the flower would be more than just a fucking mood ring but I guess not. The place Elpis though, was an utter treat, and getting to see Amaurotine life up close was so delightful and showed us exactly how they were on a different level from say, Allagans, Sharlayans or Garleans in terms of their accomplishments. I have a newfound love for Emet-Selch, and a deeper appreciation for the tragedy of his character in ShB. Hythlodaeus as well, I became deeply fond of. Knowing the tragic progression of Hermes into present!Fandaniel was coming was heartbreaking. Although, clownery #2 was Hermes saying he wanted to become the final arbiter of mankind and then WIPING HIS OWN MEMORY. His claim ended up being for nothing because Meteion had her own plans to go ahead and grant the universe erasure so ??? Oh, and oh boy, Ultima Thule. I cried hard several times during the entirety of MSQ and this place was no exception. When Thancred simply vanished I was caught off-guard by how he was just *gone*. And everyone was saying he would be fine. I thought it was some kind of copium lmao. Then everyone else started disappearing. No way they were all going to die at this rate. They were definitely all coming back. At most I thought it would have been an Infinity War/Endgame kind of situation where the "older" Scions sacrificed themselves so that the twins+G'raha would become their successors so to speak, and lead on the next generation of adventures with WoL. So when the whole party was whittled down one by one I was kind of just... expecting they'd be back and it did not feel like I would lose them. Didn't help how many times they hinted at how they could be brought back anyway. I know it's the finale and we don't have to have grimdark edgy endings but the most desperate, dangerous and literally existence+aether-erasing threat to mankind is there. It did not feel like there were risks because of how it had been written, bc plot necessitated you to defeat the Endsinger. I kind of wish they were more blatant with the specters in the walk cause I won't lie my voice recognition is really bad and I only recognized a couple voices. Anyway despite what I wrote I enjoyed a lot of EW, and I didn't necessarily expect a second ShB and kept an open mind. I enjoyed the emotional flow of the story, and I laughed and cried (the scene with Urianger and Moen's parents destroyed me) and everything I was meant to feel, I did. These were just things that stuck out to me lmao !!! ENDWALKER SPOILERS !!!

[tothemeadow]

Ok um I wanted to try and be a little discriptive because we were both technically minors but it’s a bit hard with this.

It’s kind of a long story, I’ve never been honest about this aside from when it happened and I don’t really know where to cut and stuff.

And because I feel like this is always important to mention I do not ever appear canonically in demon slayer so 😎👍

TW: noncon kissing (I’m sure if incident could’ve been categorised as assault but ugh ya know keep it in mind)

Now my blood art is hard to explain but it’s important to know how it works, I would cut myself somewhere to draw blood and I would then smear that blood on an object or a person and then basically pull them into a void. Now objects could be pulled back out whenever I desired and wherever I desired so it was a good mode of teleporting and if someone held onto me, a blood smeared object or had my blood on them or in them.... (had to be fresh not dry blood in all instances) they could be pulled into the void and subsequently teleported.

So for the actual incident, you may know my right eye isn’t exactly... useable? I have severe light sensitivity because my father threw me through a wall, and I have to wear an eyepatch basically 24/7 because of it and that meant I wasn’t... pretty enough? Imperfect enough? to be in one of the houses also Muichiro did threaten to castrate Tengen.

With my blood art I would go in and out of the houses to check in the boys and do a little snooping, one day it was quiet not weirdly quiet per say for your average person but I couldn’t hear any customers which as a demon with increased senses bothered me, I’m not Tengen but I should’ve heard something. I was walking down this hall and the feel of cold dread washed over me and instantaneously I thought I was royally fucked. I was right.

It was what I assume was her sash wrapping around my waist first and pulling me into a room and then it was holding me off the ground (honestly I was short as hell so that’s not terribly impressive but anyway) I remember that god awful smile, it started with the left side and then she evened it out. I didn’t have time to think before she had my hands tied (didn’t get a look at it but again probably her sash) and leaned in closer, I thought she was going to whisper something but she kept leaning. I couldn’t use my blood demon art once her hand was on my thigh, the grip was too tight I’d take her with me.

I remember her moving us over until I was on top of pieces of furniture perhaps a dresser or something like that, I didn’t react when she kissed me because I hadn’t processed it until she did it again, and again, and again. I tried to push but my hands were bound and she had a strong grip on my legs. Every time she pulled back there was that awful wicked smile and she would lean back in, brush her lips against mine and then kiss me again. That cycle continued for what felt like an eternity, and then she pushed her tongue into my mouth and by now I’d long since caught on if I had any chance of making it out of this I had to play along, no matter what I wouldn’t show disgust.

She tastes like blood, usually I’d merrily tell people to me, blood tastes like raspberries the perfect tart raspberry. But this was sickeningly sweet and it made my eyes burn with tears. She kept running her tongue over my teeth and I realised she was checking for fangs, but I was yet to feel the need to have them out (idk if this is a thing for all demons but I could just have them a normal human length or like “I’m gonna suck your blood... maybe eat you if you don’t let me do the first thing”) but I would not show her, I realised the game was to play with me until I admitted I was a demon.

It kept going for a while, I slipped my tongue into her mouth and brushed it over her fangs, I remember my tongue being cut in the process and the noise she made when she tasted my blood... I was nauseous, it was like the little bits of my childhood that I could remember all over again, I was weak and defenceless. But I would not acknowledge the common knowledge we shared lest it be the end of the game and the end for me.

Eventually probably not too long later something or someone distracted her, she lost focus momentarily and let her hands slip and her sash loosen, just enough till I was sure I could use my blood art. I dragged my teeth down the arm I slipped from the slack fabric and got the hell out of there as fast as I could.

The look on Tengen’s face when I got back, he knew basically what had happened maybe just not with who, from the look of me, the smell, the tears going down my cheeks and the bite on my arm that was far larger than necessary made in desperation, we didn’t talk about it. I remember the look on Muichiro’s face when I admitted to him what happened, the disgust and pity. I remember the horrible whispers when someone read my field report and let slip what had happened, twisting it and making it sound like I wanted that.

I know I forgive for, learning what happened to that poor child I’ve moved on from the incident it was an explanation not an excuse and so I will forgive but I won’t forget... but never the paperwork 😭 you would not believe the amount of documents you had to write and sign after making out with an upper moon and I will never forgive or forget about that 😭

And there you have it aside from trying to kill her that’s what happened with Daki thanks for giving me an opportunity to talk about it, like I said it wasn’t one of my happier stories it was kinda gross but ya know still interesting.

-Shizuyo

(Sorry it took so long to actually say what happened I fell asleep while reading)

Well damn O_O You really did go through a lot…

Also, saying that blood tastes like raspberries stood out to me more than it should 💀

[paipayaseeds]

without her mask, fumiko was vulnerable.

she recalled the memory of when she first put it on, when her mom was yelling at her from the first floor of their small home, “I DON’T WANT YOU ANYWHERE NEAR ME! FUCKIN’ VERMIN, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE NOW, DAMMIT!” fumiko was in her room, in a similar state of panic as she was in present time, frantically looking for something to take with her. if she left with nothing... she’d have nothing to live for. the one person in her life that was supposed to nurture her, take care of her, hated her guts, neglecting her and only feeding her every few days. she was hyperventilating, leaning on the wall of her bedroom for support as she clutched her chest, desperate for air. she couldn’t stay there for long as she heard loud footsteps stomp up the stairs towards her bedroom.

she scrambled to the floor, rummaging her closet until her hand hit something. she picked it up, a bunny mask she wore on halloween back when she was allowed to go outside, allowed to have friends. her mom was in the hallway now, so fumiko strapped it onto her face, mp3 player already in her pocket, where it stayed 24/7. she was frozen, though, cowering in fear as she watched her door slam open. fumiko’s mother was clearly under the influence of something, tripping slightly as she walked into the room. she was ready to swing at fumiko, making her instantly bolt. her mom was a terrible person, without a doubt, but not once had she ever physically harmed her daughter. seeing her fist come plummeting down to her face yanked her back into reality. she slipped out from underneath her mother and ran down the stairs and out the door. she sprinted down the block, running as fast as she possibly could until she couldn’t breathe. she’d gotten pretty far before she collapsed to the side, wheezing. she was in an alleyway, hands scraping on the pavement as she fell. it was dark outside, and she was frightened and cold. she scoot back to lean on the brick behind her, pulling her knees to her chest as she cried and cried and cried, world turning black and silent.

she returned to the dreadful place, terrified of what was to come next. her screams echoed in the darkness as she continued to crawl, scraping her hands and knees on the floor, no, void below her. she collapsed back onto the ground pathetically, too weak to lift herself up. she thought this was it, that it was the end for her. she was going to die here, her mother’s words still dangling over her, somehkw weighing her down with each passing moment.

“....sh........sh..............us....just us....”

a kind voice pierced through the silence echoing in what seemed like a never ending tunnel of darkness. she lifted her head up just enough to see a hand reaching out to her. hesitantly, she lifted hers from the ground, grasping onto the one in front of her. this person lifted her up and held her tight.

“it’s okay, it’s just us.... you don’t have to worry anymore...”

she blinked and, suddenly, she was brought back into reality. however, her position hadn’t changed. she was still hugging the man who had reached out his hand. by this point, she was able to take deeper breaths, but her sobbing continued, if not getting louder. she unwrapped her arms from his waist, not giving him any chance to react before she draped them over his neck, pulling him down and resting her chin on his shoulder. well, at least trying to rest it as she stood tip-toed. with her face no longer smothered by his chest, she took an even deeper breath. she could feel her tears drip off her face and into his clothes, but she wanted to stay like this. one of her hands caught itself in his hair as well as she clung to him.

soft, she thought to herself, running her fingers through it some more, occasionally scratching the scalp it laid upon. her sobs quieted, slowly dying down while he grounded her back to reality. bringing the hand down from his hair to his cheek, she hid her face in his neck as she sniffled. she didn’t realize how close she was, how her lips and breath brushed across his skin while she held on. her eye fluttered closed and, instead of the abyss, she was greeted with a pleasant sight.

she was standing in a field, feeling the warmth of the sun hit her bare face and she giggled. she heard someone call from behind her, “c’mon, miko! come sit down with me!” curious who this person was, she turned around. her smile got even wider when she saw a familiar golden-eyed boy lounging on a picnic blanket, waiting for her with a grin.

-teapot anon Xd Xd :D:D;d dadj dnafnfnsj

Shuichi felt more as if he had been the one getting comforted, the tender way she had scratched her head made his knees weak, his stomach doing several flips as he sighed from the feeling. 

“I-Is this okay? Um..” Shuichi hesitated before continuing, hunching his back a little as he realized it may be uncomfortable for her head to stretch so far up. After a comfortable silence, Shuichi finally found the courage to speak about his worries, his feelings. Speaking gently against her hair, he made sure his tone was anything but gentle, “I-I’m going to be honest, I... I-It always hurts a lot when I see you cry.” 

He paused to try and suppress the aching feeling in his heart, not wanting to cry in front of her, “And I.. want to know why you’re crying. T-though, the answer should be obvious, um... your mask, right?” He inhaled deeply, arms locking around her figure, preventing her leave. 

“I k-know you probably didn’t want me to see, but, I think you look... really really pretty without the mask, if.. I’m allowed to say that... S-sorry.” He slowly moved his shoulder little by little away from her, hands moving to cradle the sides of her head. He halted just before he would be able to see her face, giving her the option to say no.

“I think I...” He cleared his throat suddenly, his fingers playing with her hair that he had gotten tangled up in his hands, “I want to...” He stumbled over his words, skin still flushed from the way her breath hit his neck earlier. “N-no, I... I am always going to be there for you, Miko.” Shuichi had been rambling, and that had been at fault for the racing thoughts in his head, the racing thoughts he was too afraid to verbalize. 

He quickly began clarifying, stammering and stumbling over what he should’ve said, what he wanted to say, and what he did say. “I-I only got a glimpse, and.. if you’re not ready to show me your whole face, I understand; I’m still going to be here.” Shuichi tugged her closer to him for emphasis, letting out a sigh of relief; he was just glad she was there.  

[anteroom-of-death]

Life, for Dummies p1

a/n: plz love me and go easy. i haven’t written anything since dodos were alive....

You were new to the “fam”. The Doctor picked you up randomly like a stray. Not that you minded most days. It felt like transfering to a school in March: the middle of the semester. And much like high school, friends groups were already formed. Hell, you couldn’t believe that Yaz and the Doc weren’t slamming each other against the walls and making out running down corridors and such. 

Graham especially treated you well. Like a pottering but wicked smart granddad. Ryan too, you could bond over basketball and other fun stuff. But still. A second out of step. Any time you had these thoughts, you shoved it down and cursed not totally growing out of your middle school “I’m not like other girls!” mindset. Which, what the fuck? You were a grown ass woman. 

“Y/N?” the Doctor said waving a hand in front of you, snapping you from your reverie as you came to the present. You are on Gallifrey and there’s some psycho of the week- named the Master looking ferally at you all like he was planning what bathtub you’d wake up in with a kidney missing. You totally zoned out. The Wii Mii music might as well be what plays when you enter a room. 

Shaking yourself you tried to size up the current threat. So- this is where the Doctor’s from? No bad considering it looked like a mix between Dresden after the bombing and Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It had lots of open fields. Big skies. Plenty of sunlight from two burning suns so no “When the street lights kick on, you come back in!” The image of a tiny little blonde baby-Doc bobbing around chasing space fireflies was cute. 

Damn reveries. 

“Be afraid Doctor!” He said five minutes earlier. 

How could anyone be afraid of that. Sure when swapping past stories they told you he was crazy and killed people. The grunting he made coming through the portal was not something fearful. They were oddly sexual. The Doctor’s greatest enemy? Was right before you?

“I should have had more coffee!” You whined under your breath. Honestly. All this running, you didn’t know if you needed to mainline Folger’s or get one of those dorky water packs suburban white dads had for hiking.

This fucker grinned at that. “You’re funny!” He giggled pointing at you. Figures he had like, super sonic hearing. “You didn’t tell me you had funny little humans with you this time!” 

“Hilarious dude! Can you even reach the shelves in the grocery store?” It was a pithy attempt at humor. The man had no right calling humans small. 

He laughed and looked like he was debating killing you. He gave a resounding twirlin’ and then went onto monologue as if he were written by Joss Wheden. Mainly at the Doctor. But he kept glancing over at you. Yaz and Ryan were obviously acting on primal instinct of figuring how to take the Master down and Graham looked half bored. They’d met him before. Graham looked like he was just waiting for it to be done. Graham was chill. Reliable. He didn’t fly off the handle as much as the rest of you all. He was older. He was one margarita away from becoming a Parrothead. You liked that. 

The Master’s glances felt disarming. Like he’d already seen you without your clothing. Not that it felt like a bad thing. He wasn’t unattractive as far as aliens went. Actually, kind of hot. The kind of hot you’d go for if it wasn’t for the fact he was massively evil, tried to kill all humans, and is currently being a bastard to your close friends. Something unique about his clapping. You did that when you were over excited. 

He was dashing. 

His eyes were large and just drew you in, mentally you knew every time he glanced over. Like he wanted to let you know it was for you and you alone. And he was fit, still soft. Something about the soft jaw, slight roundness to thighs and slight slouch of the tummy. The swagger and toothy grins? His skin looked soft and nice too. Crazy fashion sense. Maybe the inability to dress yourself was a Time Lord thing? 

G-d, those lips, so round and full and a nice color. You shoved a thought about, other parts being that color away. Were you really here, having a team huddle, imagining the evil bad man’s cock? Desperation, party of one. You hadn’t been laid in a long time, but really?

“Y/N!” Yaz asked as you looked over and the Master smirked directly at you, like he knew you were trying to picture his cock at that moment. “What do you think?”

You groaned, “I don’t know!” your voice peaked a hoarse few octaves. The Master had you wrapped around his finger and he didn’t even touch you. 

“He seems mega powerful.” You throw your hands out to exaggerate. He turned and pointed you out, “You have no idea what powers I have.”

“Man, shut the fuck up, or I’m gunna hit you.” You said plainly. Your eyes rolled back into your skull. You were suddenly your normal self again. He was just some dude, like any you’d see on the streets trying to undermine your confidence or get you to give him the time of day.

“No you won’t.” And he was right. 

So you all just followed the lead of your fearless leader, the Doctor…

_________________________3 Weeks Later __________________________

You were back home. It was Corona Time. And definitely not the fun kind. You were worried absolutely sick. Was the Doctor alive? What about Gallifrey? What was all of that? So many questions raced through your quarantined mind. That and a few errant daydreams about the Master taking you with what you assumed had to be a massive cock. What was that overused phrase you’d seen the internet use? Big Dick Energy? The man had got to have had a set of cojones on him for the amount.

You couldn’t shake that son of a bitch from your mind. 

He was hauntingly attractive. But evil. You were in a moral panic 24/7. You felt like those soulfully pained eyes followed you around your house all the time. 

You were trying to focus on finding work from home jobs that were legitimate. You gave up your career to run around and play 5th wheel and now you were paying. Shelter inside? More like buying lots of unneeded skincare to fill a new void in you.

You were just ready to click “apply” on Indeed when those asthmatic engine noises started pounding in your yard. Was that the Doctor? Saving you from going insane and buying the 200 plus dollars in your cart on DHC’s webstore. 

No, you didn’t see a kitschy blue box, but a stately match for your shed, but nicer. 

Who should appear? But the rat bastard himself. 

Boy, you were so screwed.

Suddenly he smiled politely and waved at you through the window. He pointed at your back door and was asking to be let in. 

Cautiously you opened the window. “Go away, Master.” 

“Is that polite to say? I’m your first visitor in weeks and you shove me-” He faux-shocked put his hand over his mouth “away?” You couldn’t tell if he was faking being insulted or for reals.

“I’d shove Timmy down a well if he killed my best friend and all her people.”

“Let me in, I just want to talk.” He opened his hand like he was caught red handed. 

You slammed the window down harder than probably recommended. You felt the slam’s noise in your jaw. He’d get the message maybe. Or maybe you’d let him in and pin his ass to the living room carpet. Choices, choices. You went back and clicked ‘place order’, your bank account app dinged and said you had less than fifty dollars left. No one was going nowhere so it didn’t matter. You finished your tea in a few gulps. You made your choice. 

Opening up the window, you shouted “Take off your jacket and place all of your weapons and your TARDIS key on the patio. Shoes too. Toss them into the Rose of Sharon.” You’d be damned if he was gonna kill you in your own house, surrounded by your own possessions, in your own damn town. 

“What’s a Rose of Sharon Y/N?” He asked, genuinely confused. “It’s the dead bush that’s claimed the entire ramp up to my patio…” Sighing you pointed at it. 

He giggled and obliged. 

Always giggling. 

He knocked as you were rooting for your sharpest whatever you could find. You opened the door and ushered him in. Almost comically, you began patting him down and weidling your weapon of choice. Excellent ass, you had to admit. Soft, yet firm. 

“Having a good feel, love?” He asked as you were admiring it. 

“Hey, you never know…” You off-brand sighed. He was nice to touch. It was addictive. 

He paced around your home, looking at the photos of you and your family. The stack of bills in boxes, your life. Like he was examining art in a museum. 

“I don’t appreciate you fondling my fruit.” You said when he’d made his way into your kitchen. 

He grinned, “Isn’t it customary for you humans to offer a beverage or a snack to guests?” 

Massaging your temples you handed him one of those nutri grain granola bars that crumble everywhere and a can of Coke. 

“Not very much, huh?” 

“There's a pandemic out there you dense motherfucker!” You shouted almost singing the words “pandemic” and “motherfucker”, throwing your arms upwards for examples.

You felt like you could swear around him. With the rest of your current social circle you felt like there was a PG-13 limit to your speech. 

“Forgive me.” He rolled his eyes. Tit for tat matching you. He leaned heavy on his seat and opened up the can and drank politely. You almost believed him

“So why are you here?” sitting down across from him cracking your finger joints and wrists out of habit. “Run out of people to piss off in space?” 

“Oh, always plenty there.” 

You snorted. 

“You seem very sure of yourself. Different from her other little pets.” He said. “Or, is it just a show…” He bore directly into your soul. “I’d believe it.” You glared at him, still holding your weapon, sure it wasn’t much. But to quote a legend “That’s my purse, I don’t know you!”

“You know what they say when you assume…” You put it out there.

“I don’t know!” He fumed on a hairpin notice. “Something about a donkey!”

“Relax, Jeeze.” You let out a nervous chuckle.

He grinned that megawatt, perfectly white smile with teeth better than most Hollywood actors. 

“You’re bored.” He observed.

“I’ve been confined in my house for three weeks.” You stated.

“What if...you weren’t.” He weighed the words out. Almost physically with his hands. G-d those hands. How soaked in blood were they? But how dexterous were they? You swatted away thoughts of how nice they’d be buried in you, “Oy, gevalt!” You said. Noticing you had been staring at his fingertips for a second too long…

“You seem distracted...Is it me? Is the Doctor’s little pet wanting to try out some real leadership?” He mocked, but there was some other little tone to it. Care? Amusement? Yearning? A combination of all four? Who knows. You didn’t.

His eyes had the most whimsical gorgeous glow, and his eyelashes had the most attractive flutter.

“Ya caught me!” You barked with all the false sarcasm you could feign. 

“Oh, I promise that I won’t blow up any planets, kick any orphans, wreck a ship carrying puppies and kittens for adoption... I’ll just show you the real way to see the stars. None of that running through corridors and fighting for your life. The way it should be seen.” He said, his nice waistcoat coated in crumbs. 

“Or are you a coward? Afraid to see the other side of the coin? Y/N.” You were inherently a little bit of a coward. He crooked a crooked grin.

You pondered and helped yourself to an apple. Hoping that he’d see your teeth and that’d be another layer of “Don’t fuck with me, Please!” Though you desperately almost craved to be fucked with at this point.

You pause and consider this, is it betrayal? To follow your instincts and go off with a literal madman instead of your new “fam” because and called you on your self-sure bullshit?

“Is she alive? Is the Doctor alive?” You pleaded. A bit of tears threatening to come up.

“Yes, of course.” He assured you. It was very comforting. He slowly grabbed at your hand. “I may not be a man of a lot of truths, but I’ll tell you this. She always somehow comes out on top. It’s frustrating.” The warmth was real in his voice and in his eyes.

You closed your eyes and willed yourself sane. But the little nagging at your core said to. Give in, give up. Go with him. 

“‘Kay.” You nodded. Suddenly sullen. “I’ll go.” The smile you gave was tired and you got up. You were almost shaking. He touched you and you came undone. This was not healthy. You’d blame the self-isolation, but deep down you knew it went deeper. Your jaw was trembling a bit. Self-preservation was gone. 

You screwed yourself up again and poked a finger on his chest. “Try anything funny that gets me killed and I’m stabbing you.” 

“No, you won’t.” This time, it was an order. An order wrapped in velvet and coated in chocolate.

You turned to go pack and he grabbed at your wrist. “No, you don't need that. I got a wardrobe department worthy of choice.” He grabbed at his shirt and brandished his look. 

“Fine.” You said. So tired, but feeling more alive than you had in years at once. 

Grabbing your hand and all his stuff out of your yard he pulled you into his TARDIS and it left. Off to the next….

[ziracona]

What does Philip do after ilm? Does claudette ever end up starting her own nursery?

Claudette does indeed! After college, she opens a nursery, and she also gets a little lab and spends a lot of time studying plants and looking at more and more herbal medicine and also just recording plant biology and uses too, for posterity. Philip goes with her, and works at the nursery too. He attends school locally (rather than audit) and gets an Associates/2-year Degree in engineering, just becuase it was a thing he never got the chance to do, and feels very accomplished having done—it was something his mother really wanted for him, the opportunity to get a degree. He spends a lot of time researching history and various cultures and their accounts of mythology, legend, and lore, trying to find a way to both return to the realm someday and to kill the Entity. All the survivors work on that project, to varying degrees, but Philip is one of the most dedicated. His own cultural magic and Vigo’s are the two he saw work practically the most, and since they’re both old systems, he mostly studies old magic—as in old, old, so old it almost stops being magic and just starts being human culture magic. Blood magic, basic wards, hallowed ground. Simple and fairly universal concepts, and he works backwards from there, employing what he knows of how the realm works too. Adam, Claudette, Quentin, Benedict, Nancy, and he all study personally a lot of the realm artifacts/Entity DNA stuff, as well as Alex (although in a capacity of course that doesn’t hurt her at all—and while she hates being forced to sit still for a long time, she is always given so many rewards after letting people look at her under a microscope that actually eventually the crow looks forward to or will try to initiate these sessions, similar to the way my dumb (read: wonderful) dog has learned that if I don’t see her and bump into her with my leg or something, I will go “Oh no I’m so sorry!” and give her a treat for causing accidental pain, and now intentionally commits insurance fraud 24/7 on me for faked injury treats. Jane studies as much research as the actual science crew, but she doesn’t have the time to learn as much like, microbiology, so her area is more reading through reports and helping allocate research/the steps that come after the microscope itself.

Philip also travels with the group, and sees the living members of his family as much as he can, plays a lot of DnD, very painstakingly learns guitar from Kate (and, especially since he & Quentin live in the same apartment or house most of the time, practices a lot with Quentin who is also very slowly learning/building on his in-realm lessons), and just kind of does whatever he can. He never stops journaling once he starts again, although it becomes a little scrapbookish, especially after Meg and Susie give him an instant camera a few years in, because it’s so easy to tape those to a page recording a good day. I think he does this with the hope/intention of someday getting Vigo back, and being able to show him life he missed and should have been there for, like Claudette did for him, recording all the memories he lost. Philip feels in a lot of ways like he’s living the life Vigo should have had, since he accomplished Vigo’s goal, and he’s very grateful to be alive and happy and out, but I think he clings a little desperately to the fleeting possibility of being able to give back what should belong to someone he loves. Even as good as things have turned out, he’s definitely still afraid to hope, so I don’t know how much he thinks he will ever really be able to save Vigo, or even if he’s really sure he’s not gone-gone/didn’t flee the void and pass on to death when the rest of the void did, but there’s definitely a part of him that feels sure he’s still there and that he will get back there too himself someday. I think the possibility of that not happening is both terrifying and too awful for him, so he doesn’t think about it at length ever, becuase it wouldn’t help anything anyway. He still talks to Vigo sometimes when he’s alone, though. I think all his apartment mates heard him do it maybe once, but probably had no idea what they heard/still don’t really know, but Claudette has heard him do it in the nursery several times when he thinks he’s alone, and she really wishes she knew what to say to him. She doesn’t though, and is a little worried maybe she isn’t supposed to know, so she just tries extra hard to work on research too, and to try to make sure he feels loved. While Isa, Philip’s brother, is the only person that Philip has talked about his relationship with Vigo with (well, Benedict & Sally too somewhat i guess, but that on a what-you-already-knew level, not a new-info one), Claudette eventually did ask him about Vigo once when she was a little worried, and became the only other person to have at least a vague idea of the part of their history Philip knows. While Philip doesn’t recover any stolen memories, he does sometimes see fragments like he used to, in dreams, and at Claudette’s suggestion, he starts trying to draw them, and Nancy works with him and Claudette to try to help quickly sketch a realistic portrayal of whatever image he had, and then Claudette tries to help him look up what it might be. This isn’t the incredible memory flood trigger they wish it was, and usually it’s hard to tell, or it’s something basic, like, he’ll have remembered a very specific looking (and not survivor standard) campfire, or an oddly mangled hand that is definitely not his, a syringe with something unusual in it, etc—occasionally something more useful, like a Sami drum—but even if it’s like finding a photo album of nothing someone else took and trying to use it to figure out who they were, it’s a lot better to Philip than no fragments. It makes him feel like he’s still at least got little pieces of things he lost, and that makes them his and damaged instead of just gone. It’s comforting, and he deeply loves and appreciates Nancy and Claudette for doing it with him. They also kind of make it just a normal fun part of the breakfast ritual, so it feels just kind of okay and expected and nice. A good part of life, and progress, rather than a hopeless task or a sad one.

[figuringouthowtobehere]

please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood. 

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now. 

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it. 

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would. 

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

[thirty-three-peonies]

The Battle is Won: Part One

A deep reflection on my current situation, past year, & a testimony of faith

In 2019, I felt that I had reached the peak of my career in Amazon. I had grown my scope of duties to managing one facility and then again to five across the United States and then again to include a remote team of professional analysts. My business partners respected me and valued my opinion. My front-line employees were more than 80% engaged, and harassment and discrimination claims were almost nonexistent. The managers had been promoted more than 40% since the start of my tenure and my peers were selected for high potential roles. Everyone and everything was as perfect as it could get in a business, except that deep down, I was unhappy. I was traveling every month, rarely saw my family or dogs, and I was beginning to have health issues because I was working 24/7 to support every US time zone. I was tapped on the shoulder externally by a recruiter to join a different company. It was a smaller scale of employees but a similar scope. Excitedly, it was also higher salary and less traveling.

Amazon had refused to promote me into a new level or to even acknowledge that I was performing work two levels above that of my pay grade, so I took the opportunity to promote myself into a new company as an AVP in HR. Little did I know what I would be getting into.

I celebrated on my last day of Amazon employment by attending the Color Factory in NYC after my work day. I felt on top of my world! I had nowhere else but up to go! Or so I believed.

Two months into my new job, I felt that people were not being authentic with me in the workplace. Employees were coming to me in droves begging for justice and fair investigations of harassment. Managers had secret meetings that were not about business. My senior leadership ignored me and my onboarding was nonexistent.

I swallowed my pride and kept working. I kept challenging my environment. I kept building relationships with my colleagues. I want to say that I had earned the trust of even the most skeptical managers, but this really angered the tenured wolves in the pack. As a new employee, I was becoming more influential than some of the most tenured folks and this didn’t make them feel good about themselves. I started hearing rumors about me and my intentions. I started getting shut out of meetings. I started getting snippy treatment. Worst of all, I got a new manager because my senior leader failed to see the value in my leadership potential.

My new manager was toxic at worst and uncomfortably vain at best. I couldn’t believe that a person with so little experience and expertise had been selected to manage me. I swallowed my pride again and kept working. I challenged the ideals and opinions that weren’t adding value to the business and I kept getting feedback that I was too much of everything they didn’t want. Too vocal. Too direct. Too caring. Too experienced. Too disruptive. Too much of a change they weren’t ready for. The worst part of this experience was the constant harassment that I had to endure privately and publicly from my direct manager. She was wildly inappropriate and felt inferior to me, so she kept trying to prove her worth in the most absurd ways which ultimately culminated in a heated meeting where she berated me in front of my team and then later blamed her actions on my behavior and scoffed when I called her out for micromanagement.

When I had enough, I escalated my concerns to her direct manager and asked for help. I thought I could trust this person to appropriately manage her poor hire but instead I was treated with retaliation for having concerns. For four months, it was known by this person that I had been continuously harassed and yet there were no repercussions on the harasser.

During the early start of the pandemic, I took over the crisis management escalations and strategy for my business unit. As if it wasn’t enough that I was working 80 hours a week, I was continually harassed by my direct manager and colleagues. After challenging their resistance to send their employees home in order to comply with CDC guidelines for halting the spread of COVID-19, I decided to take a leave of absence from my role to recuperate from the painful anxiety. It was so crippling that I couldn’t recuperate. Not after a week or even a month of leave. I couldn’t regain my ability to get back up after being pushed down by so many bullies. So I made the scariest decision of my career and personally resigned without having any job prospects in line.

As the primary income provider for my family, I knew that I was risking our entire livelihoods to get better. But I couldn’t go back into the darkness. I couldn’t, even though I wanted to at one point. And then I became so broken that I didn’t want to do anything anymore. I didn’t even want to wake up to face the reality that I had lost to my bullies. Somehow, Satan had won. Somehow, the evil people got what they wanted and instead of me making them want to be better, I felt that I had made them become more evil and proud.

I felt abandoned by my God. What had I done wrong to deserve this? What was going to happen next? Would Satan take away my livelihood too? Would my actions continue to lead to devastating consequences? What was the purpose of any of the pain and suffering? Hadn’t I already suffered enough to get to this point in my career?

And then my answer came: I heard nothing in return. Silence. No answers to my prayers. No comfort from His Word. No resolve for my circumstances. No help from anyone else to calm my storm. And so it stormed. My life turned completely upside down. I became a completely empty person void of hope and desperately holding onto a tiny seedling of faith.

Every morning and every night just replayed itself over and over. My dreams became nightmares causing me to relive my tragedies. I was living a cycle of pain and suffering both in reality and in my mind. It was constant agony. My only moments of escape were my tearful prayers but even then the silence was heartbreaking.

Did God care? Did he abandon me? Did he despise me? Did I deserve this?

•••

Obviously, if you’ve been following my blog, you know that my story didn’t end here. It absolutely could have, but there’s so much more to share. I didn’t realize how much would be written by now, so I must end this post here. In the next post in this series, I will share how my life transformed after finally walking away from a toxic workplace.

[rllysick]

Master list:

This is my master list of fanfics that I enjoy reading! I will continue to add to it as I read more or maybe write my own! Most of these fanfictions are of ao3 or tumblr

Rick Sanchez x Reader:

Ricky Doll by rickssugarplum: You’ve missed Rick for so long and you have a Rick Plushie to fill the void. Rick finds out.

Rest Easy by sammys_lover: You're frightened by a storm that's way too huge for your liking. 

Innuendos by Hoodoo:  You just needed to get some grocery shopping done. Rick turned it into a thing.

Long:

F*CKING YOUNG / PERFECT by baconprincess:  The Smith-Sanchez family meets the new neighbors. (11 Chapters, but unfinished)

Curiosity by PsychoLolita: You get swept into Rick and Morty's lives thanks to a favor from Beth. It isn't until you see Rick using his trusty portal gun that you decide to find out for yourself just what kind of scientist Rick Sanchez is. Along the way, you find yourself falling for Rick's unorthodox ways and personality. Even though he seems disinterested in you, it all feels like a strange deja vu. On the other hand, Rick knows something that you don't, and wants to keep it from you (and Morty) at all costs. Will things go completely awry, or will you settle with what the future holds? (15 Chapters, but unfinished)

Rick Sanchez x Reader (Smut):

...the line broke, the monkey got choked... by Hoodoo: You catch sight of an old guy with a Mohawk. He catches sight of you too, and makes a daring suggestion.

Heat Wave by Hoodoo: It's too damn hot. You decide to surprise Rick in his garage with some sexy times. Maybe that'll cool things off?

Honey, I'm Home by daddyzanchez: You knew the sound of a portal opening in your sleep, could recognise it in a crowd and it made you giddy. Rick being home after a long adventure with Morty meant that he was short on a dose of you, making him a little rougher than usual, and you loved it.

Interrupted Plans by daddyzanchez: Rick portals home briefly (despite having plans) to take care of you. 

Slow Sex or Mushy Pancakes by daddyzanchez: Rick gets pissy about having to choose between sex or mushy pancakes, so he chooses the next best: A quickie and non-mushy pancakes. 

Did You Read It In Cosmopolitan? by daddyzanchez:  Rick is away on adventures a lot, making your sex-life consist of a little too many quickies. You want slow for once - you'll never believe what happens next!

More Than Just A Dance by daddyzanchez: Your apartment is in for a Spring cleaning, so when you are mopping the floor whilst shaking your ass to a groovy beat, Rick sees you and orders a dance for himself. 

Steampunked by Hoodoo: Rick and reader get dolled up, but sneak away from festivities for some naughty fun. 

Good Vibes by rick-frickers: Written from a request: Can you do a Rick/Reader fic incorporating a vibrator?

There’s a first time for everything by ricks-frickers: Written from a request: Please write one of your sexyass female self-inserts of Rick taking a young woman’s virginity

Provocateur by PsychoLolita:  Rick wants to spoil you on an expensive lingerie shopping trip when decides he can't take the heat anymore, and pulls you into a dressing room stall for a little fun.

Hard Candy by PsychoLolita: You and Rick Sanchez have been flirting for months. When you pay him a visit this time, he's working on a "special candy for Summer" that he insists you don't touch. But how can you resist trying one when he isn't looking? You can't- and he's the only one who can quench your thirst after you realize the candy was actually an aphrodisiac.

Tequila Sunrise by PsychoLolita: You're secretly into some kinky stuff, but you're too shy about it to bring it out on your own. Rick C137 knows exactly what to do. 

A Woman’s Place by rehpicllib: Rick’s kind of sexist. But still manages to fuck you up.

You Asked For It by Hoodoo: You make a request of Rick: can you have a night of hardcore fluffy sex? Can he do that? And then contrariwise, what about the opposite of hardcore fluff sex? Chapter 2. Requests from an ask, first chapter fluffy sex, second chapter hardcore sex (with detoxified Rick and Toxic Rick) (2 Chapters)

Up In The Air daddyzanchez: Your job as a flight attendant suddenly gets a little more exciting (and shameful) as a tall, strange man with spiky blue hair gets onboard... (4 Chapters, but unfinished) 

Extra Credit by GoldenSnowflake: As the clanking of plates and silverware gathering food filled the air, a tall, slim figure swept into the room and took the chair opposite of mine. He stared and I blinked at him, my fork in my mouth. "Who's this?""We're partners for a project," Summer muttered as if he should've known better, despite the fact it didn't seem like she warned anybody that I was coming over at all.

Sext by Hoodoo: Rick got a piercing. It's wrecked a month's worth of havoc on his sex life, until tonight.

Hair-pulling+ by Hoodoo: A short, filthy fic about being fucked from behind by Rick, with him holding onto my ponytail. Just some nice hair pulling and dirty talk.

Mint Chocolate Chip by Hoodoo:  It's summer and it's too hot. Ice cream should make it better.

Erotic Advent by Hoodoo:  24 days of new sex toys for Rick/reader!

Zero G by Hoodoo: You always wanted to have sex in anti-gravity. Rick makes that happen.

Focused on masterbaiting:

Tracker by NikkiDoodle:  Rick catches you during your alone time. But how does he know what you're up to? 

Desperate But So Far Away by daddyzanchez: Rick is not able to be reached right now which is a bummer. You have had your hand in your pants for an hour or more but your orgasm was just not happening. 

Better Than Fantasy by NamelyCranberries: Rick catches you masturbating. Lend a Hand by deliciousdeaddove:  You walk in on something interesting... 

House sitter by deliciousdeaddove:  You're watching the Smith's house while they're out of town. Your mind drifts to one of the usual occupants and you become carried away. Then you're caught. 

Caught Rick-Handed by CrazyRaynebow:  Rick walks in on Reader masturbating and well... what else is there to say?

Focused on eating out:

Originality - A New Year's Eve Story by daddyzanchez:  How does one enter the new year with Rick Sanchez? A Slip Of The Tongue by daddyzanchez: It took a moment before you realised what you had just said but when you did, your heart dropped and it felt like a train was hitting you at maximum speed. Distractions by rick-frickers: Written from a request: reader/Rick with reader as Morty’s tutor or something and the tutor and Rick have been flirting (which Morty notices) and Rick goes under the table and goes down on tutor and she’s gotta play it cool so Morty doesn’t notice and Rick’s really into it but also wants the girl to make a lot of noise so she’ll feel embarrassed. And later the reader gets her revenge and does the same to Rick when he’s in the garage or something! 

Period:

Monthly by NikkiDoodle: You're on your period and hate it. But that didn't stop Rick. (3 Chapters)

Bloodhound by Jinkies_Lydia:  This story is about period sex. If that is not your thing turn around now. Takes place after season 2 episode 7, “Big Trouble in Little Sanchez”. The Reader comes onto Rick at her bloodiest time of the month after a wild ride previously with Rick after killing his other clone bodies, drenched in his own blood. 

Monthly by GoldenSnowflake: “She’ll be watching the house while we’re gone,” Beth explained pleasantly.Long limbs draped across the back of the sofa and the coffee table, Rick looked at me with the barest hint of interest. “She’s cute,” he assessed, turning back to the television. “Just make sure she stays the hell away from the garage.” A little odd or not, the Smiths paying to housesit while they're gone is nothing less than perfect timing. Except for the fact that Mother Nature doesn't care whose life she's ruining. Oh, and neither does Rick.

[xiufaery]

Stitches ↠ six

svt gang au

masterlist

a/n: i’m really sorry for disappearing, i found a new job which is better but still really tiring, and i’m also working on university applications rn. i’ll try to update more frequently but idk when i’ll have the time. thank you for still supporting me and reading this story, i really appreciate it!!

CHAPTER SIX : ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER

Over the following days, Naeun found herself spending more time with Mingyu. At first, it was mostly Mingyu who would call and ask if he can come over, but after a while Naeun began calling and texting him every free moment she had. Her job didn’t leave a lot of time to make new friends, and although her colleagues were nice, they didn’t have a chance to meet up outside of work. That left Mingyu as her only friend in Seoul, so naturally he was the first person she reached out to when she didn’t want to be alone. Usually, he had no problem with it—until now.

‘Hey, are you ok?’ she texted him as soon as she got home from work. Mingyu hadn’t shown up to walk with her like he always did, and all of her texts and calls throughout the day have gone unanswered. She stared at her phone, waiting for it to ring, or at least to get a text back. One minute passed, then another, and another…

What was she doing? She wanted to smack herself for acting so desperate. He had a life of his own, he couldn’t spend every single moment with her. She should give him some space.

Five minutes have passed with her staring at her phone and contemplating, before she decided to get up and do something more productive with her time. Like, take that hot shower she had been dreaming of ever since her shift started this morning.

It was a long day. She was already feeling down without Mingyu’s bright smile and boundless energy at all times of the day. It had become routine for them to bicker and make fun of each other on the way to work, so this morning felt dull and boring without it. Then, when she arrived at the hospital, all hell broke loose. Thirty-seven people arrived at the E.R. at the same time, all suffering from severe burns after an explosion in the factory they worked at. Having to treat so many people while also trying to calm down the panicked family members that flocked to the hospital, had worn her out both physically and emotionally.

The hot water felt exhilarating, relaxing her muscles and washing away all the tension in her body. This was the moment she’d been waiting for all day, the one silver lining in this hellish shift—going home, taking a long shower, and stuffing her face with food until she couldn’t feel anything anymore.

Of course, her plan was forgotten as soon as she stepped out of the bathroom. The moment she heard the sound of a new notification, she raced to the living room, snatching her phone from its place on the couch. She had a new message from Mingyu:

‘I’m fine. Busy. Talk later.’

One message. One line. Not even a complete sentence. She knew that Mingyu didn’t owe her anything, but she thought she at least deserved a grammatically correct sentence. Nevertheless, she pushed her irritation aside to send another text:

‘Be safe.’

Message received. He left her on read.

She heard her stomach growl, reminding her that she didn’t eat anything today. But how could she eat when her stomach was twisting with worry and fear? She shook her head hard, as though she could shake all of her thoughts out, but it was no use. That one message left her head reeling with questions she wasn’t sure she wanted an answer to. What was Mingyu doing? What is ‘busy’ in gang terms? She desperately hoped that there won’t be another mortal wound for her to treat.                                                                              

↠ ↠ ↠ ↠ ↠ ↠

The next few hours went by frustratingly slow. Naeun tried to distract herself in many ways—eating, reading, pacing, screaming into the void—but her mind always went back to the same thing: what the hell is Kim Mingyu doing?

“Hey, Sejeong?” “Naeun!” Sejeong’s voice on the phone sounded as cheery as always, managing to bring a smile to Naeun’s face. “How are you? Have you change your mind and decided to come over?” “No, not tonight,” she told her. “Sorry.” “Oh, it’s fine. Why did you call?” “Well, uh, hypothetical question…” Naeun started. “Hypothetically, if there was someone that I’m very close with, like in contact with them 24/7, and then they suddenly disappear without a word. Should I start freaking out?” There was a long pause on the other end of the line. “Is this about Mingyu? The guy that you’re totally not dating?” “No!” she exclaimed. “It’s not about Mingyu. Or about me. Totally hypothetical, asking for a friend.” “Alright,” Sejeong drawled. “Well, hypothetically, maybe this hypothetical person is just busy.” “That’s what he said,” Naeun added. “Supposedly. Hypothetically.” “Then there’s your answer. Mingyu is just busy and you need to chill the fuck out.” “It’s not—OK, fine, this is about Mingyu.” She admitted. Sejeong laughed. “I knew it! You’re way too obvious, honey.” Naeun rolled her eyes. “Fine, so maybe I shouldn’t worry so much, but he’s been glued to my side for the past week, and his job is dangerous so I’m worried because he’s an idiot and—” “Naeun,” Sejeong cut her off. “breathe.” “But—” “Breathe.” She repeated more sternly. “How long has he been doing this kind of work?” “A while.” “And nothing happened yet.” The memories of their first meeting flashed before her eyes, and she winced. “He’s…still alive.” “Great! I’m sure he’ll stay that way for a while. He’s not a child, he can take care of himself.” Naeun let out a heavy sigh. “You’re probably right. I’m sorry for bothering you.” “It’s fine, sweetheart, I understand that you care about him…” Sejeong kept talking, but the only thing Naeun heard was the sound of the doorbell. She ran to the door, looking out through the peephole. “It’s him,” she said, almost giddy. Thankfully, Sejeong didn’t mind being ignored and cut off. “See? I told you he’s fine. Go kick his ass; I’ll see you tomorrow.” “Yeah, thanks Sejeong.”

It took her less than a second to hang up the phone and throw open the door. The sight of Mingyu standing in front of her, more or less uninjured, caused her shoulders to slump in relief. That is, until she remembered that she’s mad at him.

Mingyu raised his hand in a hesitant wave, giving her a sheepish smile in return for her intense glare. When he noticed her eyes focus on the burn on his palm, he quickly put it down. “Hi.” “Hi.” Naeun repeated, almost emotionless. “Hi. Hi? You made me worry for a whole day, and all you have to say is ‘hi’?” “Uh…” Mingyu was clearly expecting a warmer welcome. “I’m kind of scared to say yes.” “You should be!” she seethed. “Then no. My answer is no.” he said quickly. “Kim Mingyu, you are unbelievable!”

She kept yelling at him for at least half an hour, even after she had let him in and they settled on the couch. Surprisingly, he stayed silent and kept nodding and agreeing with her. She didn’t know if he really regretted it or he was just scared of her anger—it took a lot to make her mad, so when she finally exploded it could be terrifying. His tactic worked, however. Slowly, she felt her anger fade away, being taken over by relief so strong that it made her burst into tears.

That seemed to freak Mingyu out even more. “What’s going on?” he asked frantically. “I’m sorry, alright? You’re absolutely right and I’m so sorry.” Naeun shook her head, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug. “I’m just glad that you’re OK, dumbass.”

Mingyu didn’t answer, just hugged her back even tighter. He’d never tell her that she was right to worry, that he really was in danger, instead just whispering, “Yeah, me too.”

[mahinxxx]

Stares

A/N: This is my first time writing a Jungkook x Reader type thing. I don’t know how well it’s going to do and I’m writing this as a practice run to see how everyone likes it and what not, so I’d really appreciate the feedback, it’ll mean a lot to me. Other than that I hope you enjoy this (: 

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Fluff, cute, college, small get together

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: Nothing big, just get ready for a lot of fluff 

Summary: Busy with college stuff your best friend decides to take you out to a gathering with some people he knew seeing as how stressed you become with the pile of work you had from school. There you meet the one and only Jeon Jungkook, someone who you’d never expect to even pop up in your life and yet here you both were staring at each other

It had been a super long day, you were getting a headache from even thinking about all the work you had left to today, everything was just piling up and you were on the verge of breaking down.

You dug through your bag to look for your keys and opened up the door to find the apartment empty. Feeling the emptiness around the place you go around to see if your roommate was home

He was supposed to be cooking dinner tonight why was he not here?

Frustrated you put your stuff down in your room and called him, after about three or four rings he finally picks up

“Hi y/n” He says laughing

“Why aren’t you home Hoseok? You’re supposed to have dinner ready and I’m over here starving”

He cursed to himself a little bit

“I’m so sorry y/n, I got side tracked with the boys that I forgot to even text you about the plans” 

You had a confused face printed on

“What plans?” You asked carefully

“The boys had invited me over for a little get together and so I wanted to bring you along, epically after all the work you’ve been doing, it could be nice for you to loosen up for a bit” he said carefully

“But I have so much-” before you get to even finish your sentence he says “Great, I’m on my way to pick you up right now, be ready in 15, love you” 

With that he hung up the phone

You groan and lay down on the couch, Hoseok and you have been friends since you two were in elementary, you were getting bullied by another bigger boy when he stepped in and protected you, since then he’s been by your side at all times, you two were stuck at the hip together

It’s been ten minutes and finally you’re done getting ready

You get a call on your phone, Hobi is here telling you to come meet him at the car in front of the building

As you head over you notice there’s other people in the car

You sit in the front seat as Hobi welcomes you and introduces you to the two in three people in the back

“Y/n these are my other friends from university, please introduce yourselves”

“Hi I’m Jimin, nice to meet you” this cute guy said with an angelic smile, you shook his hand and said hi

“I’m Namjoon, pleasure to meet you after all the things I’ve heard from Hobi” This guy was tall and really cute as well 

The third guy was just staring at you, looking as if he was shocked, so you stuck your hand out and said your name first

“Hi, I’m y/n pleasure to meet you”

He soon snapped out of it and turned a tinge of pink

“Oh sorry, I was just thinking, I’m Jungkook” 

He flashed you the most amazing smile you’ve ever seen, he was definitely a charmer and you couldn’t help but feel comfort from him, as soon as your hands touched you felt the electricity and almost pulled you hand back

You all soon made it back to someone’s home and meet the rest of Hobi’s friends, there was Jin, Yoongi, and Taeyung. 

You all had a game night and laughed about all the stupid things that were going on between them, they were all so filled with positivity and for once you were actually glad you took this night out

Soon after Jin made you all food and all of you were sat around the living room with full tummies

“Thank you Jin, the food was amazing, haven’t had such good food in a while” You said smiling

“Um so you’re saying I can’t cook?” Hobi said looking super offended

“That’s right, there’s no denying that” Everyone laughed at that and they got to know a little more about you

“So y/n, what do you study?” Namjoon asked

“I major in bio-chem, it’s a huge passion of mine” you said looking at my hands

“Don’t you study the same Jungkook?” Hobi asked

You looked up at him and he nodded back finally looking at you, you two have barely spoken since the car ride, only speaking to one another when needed

“We have the same chem class then right? It’s the only one available for this semester” you said carefully

“The one at 5 p.m on tuesdays and thursdays right?” He said asking you know

You nodded questioning why you’ve never seen him and probably figured it’s because you don’t really pay attention to the people but rather the class itself

Soon after you had passed out on the couch and woke up back home in your own bed with someone covering the blanket over you

“Hobi?” you said groggy 

“Go back to sleep y/n you passed out at Jin’s house so I brought you back” He said kissing your head

Soon after the following week Jungkook had finally spotted you in the class you two share and started to sit next to you, you both even worked together on a project and were really getting close 

A couple of months had passed at this point and Jungkook took you to this Café that was open 24/7 near his house

He took you out on spontaneous places

Both of you were in a deep conversation 

“So yeah that’s how I became friends with them, they truly are older brother to me, they’ve helped me through so much that I’ll never be able to repay them for it. They’re probably the only reason why I even made it through that last breakup” Jungkook had told you truthfully 

You knew how bad his last relationship was and he told you how he didn’t trust anyone after that

You looked at Jungkook and stared at him, his features was nothing but perfect to you, his laugh was contagious, his smile made your day and within the last couple of months you had fallen head over heels for him

He did all types  of sweet things for you, like coming over to watch a movie with you, coming over late at night if you were stressed or even just to bring you food

He was everything you wanted in a man

“Y/n take a picture, it lasts longer” He said chuckling

“Oh my, sorry, I wasn’t staring at you or anything” you said turning red feeling the heat going up to your cheeks

He offered to take you home but you declined

“It’s going to rain, you should get home too, I can manage” You said hugging him tightly

He hugged back and you felt him relax in your arms

“Fine, but only because it’ll make you go home faster”

With that you were both off

Jugnkook had gotten home just as it started pouring down super hard

He had texted you to make sure you had gotten home alright and with that he felt more relaxed

He went and laid on the couch watching t.v. just as Jimin sat next to him

“So when are you going to tell her?” He asked Jungkook

“What are you talking about?”

“Y/n. When are you going to tell her you like her?” He said so nonchalantly

Jungkook basically choked on the water he was drinking and spit it all over the table

“Come on, it’s so obvious, you haven't done any of the cute stuff with anyone since- well you know” He said rubbing the back of his neck

“I- well I don’t know, everything seems for foreign to me. I don’t even think she feels the same. Everything about her is just so perfect. Y/n, she’s so sweet, kind, beautiful, and her eyes oh my god” He said falling back onto the couch

“Go, go tell her now” Jimin said changing the channel

He knew, it was now or never, he had courage from Jimin and he knew he would lose that soon, so he grabbed the keys and ran to your house in the rain

You were in your pajamas watching leaning against a sleepy Hobi watching his favorite show when you heard the bell ring

“Who’s here at this hour?” He asked yawning

“Have no idea” You said getting up to see who it was

You saw it was jungkook and opened it up

“Jungkook, what-what are you doing here? You drenched, you’re going to catch a cold” You said shocked

“I needed to talk to you, let me finish. I have to do this now otherwise I know I’m gonna get cold feet and walk away just like I’ve always been doing”

He took a little pause and you felt your stomach drop 

You nodded allowing him to go on

“Since I’ve gotten to know you, you've taken up a space in my life that has been empty, a void. You filled it like no other. All I ever think about anymore is you. Everytime I’m with you I get this feeling and just looking at you makes me want to just have you all to myself. I know you may not feel the same way but I can’t hold onto this forever, you mean everything to me, I love you y/n” He finally said looking straight into your eyes

You wouldn't believe anything he was saying, this was so unexpected

“I’ll be on my way-” He said after you failed to say anything but your body move don it’s own

You grabbed his face and kissed him, it didn’t take long for him to react, he pulled you closer by your waist and kissed back, the kiss was nothing like you’ve ever felt before. It was excitement mixed with desperation

Soon you both pulled back and he put his head on yours while holding your face

“I love you too Jungkook” You said smiling at him

He kissed you again and said “I’ve been longing for this” 

You giggled and pulled him inside

“You’re going to catch a cold, come sleep here tonight, there’s no way I’m letting you back in the rain”

You saw Hobi was passed out on the couch and you tucked him in while going to borrow some clothes to give to Jungkook

That night he held you so close, you’ve never felt more safe.

[iloveyoupittsburghpirates-blog]

You Broke Me, Pittsburgh Pirates

My Dearest Pittsburgh Pirates,

Well, that will do it. Might as well circle March 28, 2019 on the calendar because that’s the next time you will play a meaningful game. You had a chance this week to get back into the race and you threw it away. You played two playoff contenders who were ahead of you in the race and you do the same this week. This was your opportunity to gain ground. Instead, you scored two runs in three game against Atlanta leading to a sweep at home. The offense finally found a little life after completely embarrassing itself for seven games in which you scored only seven runs. That was rather difficult to watch. When the offense finally did show up in Milwaukee against the Brewers, their offense showed up as well. Friday night was basically rock bottom for this season but more on that nightmare in a bit. When it was all said and done, done being the key word, you had lost two out of three against the Brewers. That makes for a 1-5 week when you needed it to be at least 5-1. Not exactly stepping up to the plate (pun intended) when the season was on the line. You are now 64-67, you are 13 games back in the division, and you are 8 ½ games back in the Wildcard with seven teams in front of you for the two spots. The season is over. Start looking at how to improve for next year because this one is done.

Friday night’s game broke me. It shouldn’t have been so devastating because it was already nearly impossible for you to make the playoffs after being swept by the Braves. I shouldn’t have been so emotionally invested but I sat through over 5 ½ hours and 15 innings of that game to watch you finally take a two run lead in the top of the 15th after you had tied it in the 9th to send it to extra innings. That’s when Hurdle’s decision to pull Musgrove after four innings so Josh Bell could pinch hit and strike out with the bases loaded really burned you. Every reliver had pitched except Kyle Crick who apparently wasn’t available because of back pain. Brault had thrown four scoreless innings and had batted in the top of the 15th so I assumed he could come back out even after throwing 58 pitches. Apparently, he couldn’t. This is going to be known as the “Clay Holmes season” now. Things have gone downhill since you gave him that spot start in San Francisco (It’s a coincidence because the offense imploded. Pitching him really had very little to do with your collapse.) Now he will be remembered for the half inning that put the nail in the coffin for 2018.  Holmes got the first out but looked a little wild doing so. He proceeded to walk the next guy, then throw a wild pitch, and then another walk. He struck out Ryan Braun so now it was still 6-4, men on first and second, two outs, and pitcher Jordan Lyles coming up. The Brewers were out of position players, so they had to let him bat. Holmes walked him on five pitches. It was ridiculously embarrassing. It got to the point that catcher Elias Diaz wasn’t even giving him signs. He was motioning/begging him to throw it right down the middle and he couldn’t. That loaded the bases. A single by Erik Kratz scored two to tie the game and then another single by Orlando Arcia (and a terrible throw home by Polanco) scored the winning run. That was it. The game, the season, the hope. All gone. I sat in silence for about an hour after it was over. It broke me. The game was actually the perfect microcosm for the whole year. Not very optimistic, then suddenly you seem like you’re destined for great things, but you immediately plunge back to earth. It was quite a ride.

Cue the panic. I’m just going to say it now to get it out of the way. Chris Archer has been undeniably bad since coming over in the deadline deal. He said it himself. He got lit up yesterday for six earned runs in four innings pitched. Since coming over, he’s got a 6.45 ERA, 1.75 WHIP, and hitters are batting .313 against him. That’s worse than bad. His BABIP against is a whopping .377 so there’s reason to believe that will improve. The Pirates are tinkering with the pitches he throws and how he throws them so there were going to be some growing pains. Starting pitching is extremely hard to acquire and to get someone like Archer for this year plus three more isn’t easy to do. This is a guy I’m still very excited about. Yes, Shane Baz was a first-round pick and that’s a big piece to give up. Yes, Austin Meadows has been crushing the ball (7 HRs, 1.002 OPS) in Triple-A since being traded and your offense has struggled terribly on top of it. Yes, Tyler Glasnow looked good in his first couple starts, though he’s leveled out and shown the same tendencies of high pitch counts, too many walks, and the inability to control the running game. Either way, this trade doesn’t look good right now. This season doesn’t matter anyway. Archer can take the rest of this season to iron out the kinks and come back next year ready to be a top of the rotation starter with Jameson Taillon. The risk is still very much worth it because if he gets back to the pitcher he’s been his whole career, which is reasonable to believe, then you have one of the top 20 pitchers in all of baseball. Just try not to panic after five starts because I’m sure a lot of the fan base will.

When looking at the team going into next year, there will obviously be changes that need to be made but maybe players aren’t the only thing that should be considered. The coaching staff has performed questionably at times this season and before you go into this three-year window of potentially being competitive, you might want to consider making changes. I only watch so many other baseball games in a season but whether it’s Rick Scofield or now Joey Cora, you seem to have the worst third base coach in baseball year in and year out. They make mistakes constantly. I can think of three boneheaded mistakes Cora has made in the last month. That’s too many. Jeff Branson, your hitting coach, looked very bad this week with the offense performing beyond inept. They rank 17th in baseball in OPS which isn’t terrible but not exactly something to write home about. When they grind out at bats, they can be a formidable offense. They just don’t seem to do that often enough. Even Ray Searage, who I do want to keep, isn’t void of criticism. Your pitching staff has the most errors and wild pitches in all of baseball. That doesn’t fall squarely on him but that’s got to be something that’s remedied. And then we get to the top with Clint Hurdle. I’ve had issues with him all year and it feels like I have weekly complaints. My one for this week goes back to Friday night’s game when he pinch hit for Musgrove in the 5th inning with the bases loaded. You haven’t been scoring runs and he was desperate for some. Fine. He showed a sense of urgency. Where was that urgency a month ago when you were still in the hunt and he let Alex McRae pitch in a tie game against the Cardinals for three-plus innings? That didn’t even piss me off as much at the time as it does now. He finally starts coaching with desperation after you are basically eliminated from the race? Good timing, Clint. My guess is this entire coaching staff will be back next year, but I’d be down for firing Branson, Cora, and Hurdle. They have just proved to be amateurs on way too many occasions.  

This is where I usually say what’s on the docket for this week and what you need to do in order to get back in this race. Well, that’s all pretty pointless now. You can’t lose today, which is nice, but that’s only because you don’t play. The road trip continues with three games in St. Louis against the red-hot Cardinals starting tomorrow followed by three games in Atlanta against the Braves, you know the team that swept you this week and held you to two runs in three games. If you wanted to even consider the thought of getting back into this thing, you have to win all six games. That would only be enough to ger started. The likelihood of you winning all six games is so miniscule that’s it’s not even worth talking about. Now is the time that you should start auditioning people for next season. Keep playing Adam Frazier at second to see what he’s got. Play Kevin Newman more to see if he’s got any hope of starting. Bring up Kevin Kramer and work him in more. Now’s the time to figure out what you have up the middle next year. Hell, try Kramer third if you want to get bold. I don’t care. With this pitching staff and bullpen, you can compete now. The window is open and the National League doesn’t have a team so dominant that you couldn’t sneak into the running.  Start figuring all this out now so we don’t have to you don’t waste a year of this window trying things out. You showed some potential this season. We will chalk it up to that. Now figure out how that potential comes to fruition in 2019. Good luck, as always. Talk to you next week!

                                                                     Shattered Into A Million Pieces,

                                                                                          Brad

P.S. stands for Pretty Simple. The question is what’s wrong with your offense and what happened during that epic losing streak? The answer remains the same: home runs. Or the lack there of. You rank 24th out of 30 teams in homers and in the NL you rank 12th out of 15. That won’t cut it in a home run driven league. During the seven runs in seven game stretch, you hit two homers total. The walkoff by Frazier against Chicago was one and the other was the meaningless solo shot in the 9th inning of the 6-1 loss to the Braves by Polanco. Clutch hitting comes and goes throughout a season. Home runs are the way to get sure runs and your team doesn’t hit enough. That’s also something you need to address this offseason…