#i feel so very unwell right now
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nobody talk to me unless it’s about him
creds. 1,2 - 5,6 - 3,4
#HELP IVE FALLEN AND I CANT GET UP EVER AGAIN#JISUNG I HAVE A THING FOR ARMS AND YOURE NOT HELPING AT ALL#god i need him so bad. i have no excuses for whatever i say anymore#i really#he could#he could fix me#i need him to do a questionable number of things#can i like… touch his arm#omg he’s buff buff hehe AGHHH#i feel so very unwell right now#like i need to sit down and think about this#this is my new religion#omg i love him again :<#park jisung#nct jisung smut#jisung smut
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i could KILL him for this. motherfucker's every interaction with children has him being, if not nice, then at minimum kind and forgiving and genuinely invested in their wellbeing.
he asks crying kids what's the matter, he's afraid to hold a baby because he's worried he'll drop it, he goes after people who are mean to kids without a second thought. his whole mentorship with timothy hunter is him trying to do right by that kid no matter how he feels about it at the time. man would be the most loving dad in the world but because of his own awful goddamn father and the ways he thinks he takes after thomas, he doesn't think that's true. i hate.
#this panel made me SPITTING mad for real he breaks my heart#the way his father fucked up his whole mindset and self-image is something that makes me so violent#me rattling the bars of my cage yelling about how the family man arc was a vessel for conveying constantine's fears about his father#how it made him feel responsible for his father's murder after his dad had called him the killer of his mother his whole life#then made him a literal killer which turned that childhood nickname into a self-fulfilling prophecy & his dad into an unintended oracle#how constantine has always been afraid of becoming his father and yet that's exactly who he had to emulate to survive the world of magic#and then vertigo gave him the fucking rosacarnis arc which made him unwillingly a dad and his kids killers. i'm unwell#i NEED john constantine to know how good a person he really is and how loved any kid of his would be#the one thing new 52 did right for him was making him genuinely loving and caring towards rose#instead of making him pawn her off on everyone around him. which i fear a lot of writers would make him do these days#i NEED him to know he's better than who raised him#they say mary anne constantine would have been a good mother if she'd lived and i think there's a lot of her left in her son#not that he'd ever believe it#hellblazer#john constantine#i'm very emotional about him right now#oxly hollers
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Our mental health has been in such an interestingly terrible place for the last month or so. Genuinely kind of fascinating to watch from different internal angles....like watching the ocean ebb and flow and change temperament at random sometimes based on weather or the moon or something. Like this shit is just terrible
#I can't even describe it#Like it isn't even just the basic stuff I've dealt with my whole life right#I've had some of this for well over a decade now right I've been very unwell for a long time#I'm a system so that tells you a lot already#Speaking of which that's been extremely hard on us lately too. Rapid switching and blending and worsening dissociative episodes#It makes it extremely....hard. I don't know how to put this for people reading this who don't just intuitively know what I'm talking about#Let me try though#Stress worsens the symptoms right. And we've been under a Lot of stress. When you have a system who not only experiences different levels#of emotion but also different emotional responses to certain things and then also expresses symptoms of your multiple mental illnesses to#different degrees and then on top of that your sense of time/cognition becomes nonlinear because you're blurry as hell in and out all the#time it becomes markedly more difficult to try and balance out/manage your other shit. Like I cannot even describe#It's like trying to climb a slippery incline#I feel truly. Crazy. Like a complete unstable fragmented freak lately it is So bad. And I feel like I'm becoming Worse /As A Person/ too#Like I just feel like I'm becoming so jaded and fucked up mentally our internal state right now is frankly very bad. If you think I've been#negative and difficult on this blog lately hoo boy is my posting on here not even scratching the surface#We're trying to do some things about stuff we can fix/control in our external surroundings but like#[Edit: in addition I have never been properly medicated or gotten help for Any of this since I was 14-15 and they weren't even helping us#for the right things.]
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#andy serkis#ok but why..uh..why...uhhh..why are his hands so big#i am looking at the third one and feeling very unwell at work right now#i need him in a way that is concerning to feminism#daddy? sorry. daddy??#oh god his pouty lips#why must he be like this??#sexualizing that old man and his hands#black & white
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why don’t you carry me home
care by robot koch
#clexa#clexaedit#yea im tagging those#i spent way too much time rotating the words on those screenshots lmao#believe it or not the way they are rotated and what direction the uh quotes leaning in and so on all have a meaning#cause im unwell#like on the last space pic the 'i belong' is in the exact middle of it cause um well meeting of the sky and earth on the horizon?#i said theres meaning i didnt say its coherent#the first carry me home leans down cause clarke needs to fall down to the ground to find hers <3#then on the ground those two pics its straight line in the middle cause again. horizon#the last one is both just how the entire song feels like it loops on itself constantly#plus im thinking clarke was circling earth in the ark and theres no end to a circle and also! its them in a little bubble#coherence left the chat sorry i cant words right now#also i liked how those space parts are very dark and so are those first parts with lexa like a familiarity#(and cause they understand each other's darkest experiences)#but then the last one is a brand new color palette just engulfed in the gold#again target audience me myself and i#i wanted to make a fanvid out of this but my laptop hates me#anyways the 'to where i belong' needed to be on the clarke drawing pics cause im presently unwell abt that#she covers her cell in the ark in drawings of earth!!!!!! and the first thing she draws on earth!!!!!! is lexa#things i should have processed in 2016 but didn't etc
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I'm sorry I tried coming back on here but I actually may need a moment actually sorry folks. Pause hold pause button click camera shutter hold the phone.
#i know i dont need to announce this but like it makes me feel better to verbalize it#i am very unwell right now like im not doing okay so. maybe I take a little break.#life is like. bashing me repeatedly pummeling while im on da ground#🐇 rambles
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you know when you're in da overwhelm zone due to Circumstances that you don't really have power over. well it's really hard to deescalate from that i am finding!
HOWEVER i am attempting:
FACING THE THINGS because the longer they loom. the longer they are looming for.
regular breaks from Addressing Everything
regular snacks/meals/drinks
prioritising
postponing stuff that can be left until later (But watch out!)
doing other things in advance that are easy to do now (such as stockpiling meals ready for feeling more ill)
asking for help where i can
#every day i am feeling more unwell in a new way. BUT going to the dr later in the week.#there are other things that need sorting but i can't do them alone so i'm Waiting to get help with them.#i have asked for help (or will do when#circumstances allow) so that's really good! but the waiting.#feeling like i am doing A Bad Job but i think that's just because i'm super 'alone in my house not going out' at the moment due to being#extra ill. and barely talking to people for the same reason. so it's very easy to get stuck in my head where i am only thinking of myself#and therefore only blaming myself because my whole scope is 'dealing with right now (just me)'.#like things are going bad and it feels like that's because of me. but i don't think it is. i'm trying really hard!#which doesn't = doing good. but also like. struggling to see what i should/could do differently with my current resources you know.#ANYWAY. god. it's tuesday. you could say there are some problems. but we stay silly.#and stay facing the problems and gradually working through them!!!#i just wanna have the energy to properly be involved in the lives of the people i care about :( ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!
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brain is so silly bc I'm thinking "i wish Guz had cold hands so when I'm stressed he could cup my face and it'd soothe the itchiness I get when I start scratching at myself from the stress" and then I realized wait he's a fictional character. I could just say he has cold hands if I wanted. but he DOESN'T, i just KNOW that man is a heater !!! he will get me overheated so easily and that is simply something i am happy to put up with because i love him !!!!
#my temperature regulation is very bad but luckily i am more often cold than overheated so fjfkdl#it'd work out most of the time! but sometimes... he runs too hot and i will suffocate if he is physically affectionate DBDJKL#but thats okay bc i love him and am more than happy to deal with any overheating bc I like him sooooo much :3#but yeah idk my body hates me and loves to give me an overload of histamines when im anxious apparently LOL#thus... stress itchiness. rest in peace my skin 😔😔#anyways we're having a garage sale today and i am physically unwell with nausea and very itchy#trying not to make my skin and face all red and welted (from scratching) but goodness gracious i am being tested fhfkdl#and a pair of cold hands on my face other than my own cold hands would do wonders... ougghhhh#Wardell definitely has cold hands and i think ... hmm. idk who else would#Philby sometimes would but not super often and Theodor might occasionally when he's feeling under the weather#me just making shit up right now DBDJDKL#im 50/50 on whether my beloved janitor has cold hands or not. cannot decide!#and not to be cheesy but I think Sun and Moon would be able to cool their hands like an ice pack bc theyre a daycare bot#i never talk abt them bc I feel a little silly abt them but i do very much like the silly robots LOL#ANYWAYS. RAMBLE OVER. i have to go eat some food and then hopefully avoid helping too much w manning the garage sale 😭#💜so good at being in trouble#dandy.cmd
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#like I’m sorry#I love my best friend so so so much and she’s perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me#and I get it she’s an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and that’s hard#and I’m not being dismissive of her struggles#but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way#and has never worried about money as a kid#and yeah her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect of course#but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book#like she did everything she can to understand and relate#but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone#because no one in my life fucking understands why I’m the way I am#and I’ve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping#I’ve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind#but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child#that are impacting by daily life and interactions#and like I feel so fucking alone#and to hear from my friends ‘your right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through this’ ISNT FUCKING HELPING#I don’t want to hear that it’s normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops#I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd#especially not therapists of color#I’m angry and I’ve been getting worse over the past two months#and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me#like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having#flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldn’t stop crying and shaking#and I told my friend I didn’t want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me#because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before#like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and I’m asking you to be with me on a very#upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis#and like you don’t even feel a little bad about it??#I’m just upset and scared and I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m not in reality right now and that’s scary
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the draft is kinda sneaking into my soul lads
#i feel unwell. and i know exactly why and that itll be over in a few days anyway#but things are kinda really suck. right now. and 'right now' is all i can comprehend#my memory is going bad. i cant see myself in the future#the me that exists in your minds where i cant see...#are they cool. are they competent. do i still exist to you when im asleep#im afraid. i feel very much like an amalgam which is going to be ripped apart when caught by the skyrim guards#so many stolen patchwork pieces. whos even underneath that#negative /#kintalk
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sometimes you gotta just draw your OCs hangin out
#dnd#dungeons and dragons#character art#illustration#gnomes#rogue#artificer#they're both right#expensive polish IS way better and totally worth the money (VERY MUCH TO MY IRL CHAGRIN)#but it's still more bother than it's worth for Mel and would still eventually end up chipping into her work anyway#I did the sketch for this as a followup to that one of these two and nyssa having a girls' night but only just came back to it#I've been feeling Nonspecifically Unwell for like. an entire goddamn month? now?#so finishing up a low-stakes silly doodle is about all I've had the spoons for :') yeehaw#my OCs#Idri#Melliwyk#noncanon shenanigans#dungeons and doodles
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#very much feeling like not existing right now#I DO NOT like being gaslit#it makes me feel like absolute shit#insane#mentally unwell#and I just don't want to be on this planet anymore#I am so tired of it#I've lived it my whole life#I keep trying to get away from it#but my family is insane
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really hate having to be quiet about disorders that affect every aspect of my life. really wish ppl would be normal about it and also understand it better. wish i was not terrified of ppl finding out about my osdd irl but RIP me i guess, the autism is scary enough but I don't have the energy to hide that one anymore or make up excuses to explain away whatever symptoms i wasnt able to quell. the autism already puts me in enough danger (conservative small town) but i think the osdd would get me in physical danger if ppl found out fnfkfl
its just hard bc we are so desperately lonely but we cant tell ppl abt it and its honestly hard to be friends w ppl now if they dont know abt it. so i do not get to make friends in town now and all chances of having ppl irl to hang out with is down the drain.
#i just want to not have to hide anymore#im so tired of it fjfkfl#i wish we could just act in a way that felt right and dress in fun ways outside of the house and just. exist without fear.#idk whats going on lately fjdksl the new splits have jostled brain around a lot#and i am feeling very alone and isolated the past couple days (...weeks.) i think#trying also to adjust to new brain feelings and shifts but idk. its a lot. im tired#and very very unwell fhfkdl but i just keep ignoring it and pretending things are alright and hoping i can feel okay soon#anyways hi there are daycare attendants in the brain. we have a sun and moon now apparently#this is me being open in a way that frightens me but i want to be able to be a bit more open here to try to work on some shit within myself#shame and whatnot fjdksl embracing the ''cringe'' of simply existing with a trauma-warped brain#sunny has a sideblog btw its very fun! its @sunnysplayground#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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I don't eat all day and then my partner takes me out for dinner and we eat fish and chips and they're greasy and now it's 3am and I've not slept and my tummy hurty and I have lots of regret
#i couldn't finish it either!#usually we get takeout and we share a mini cod and chips but he insisted we ate in cus his house has no electricity and mine has 2 cats that#will try and eat the fish#and the place we ate has a strict “NO SHARING” policy for food you eat in??#so i ate half my fish and a quarter of the chips and i was embarrassed the whole time cus when i eat out it becomes very clear to everyone#around me i have *issues*#and i was utterly mortified the whole time and it was awful and now i feel unwell#not to mention cus hes not actually moved into his new place yet cus its having work done the bathroom was FILTHY#like sticky toilet seat with god knows what dried onto it??? and filth everywhere#and another one of his friends has been staying a few nights a week whilst they work locally and HOW ARE THEY USING THAT BATHROOM???#i couldn't sit on the loo and i had a panic attack looking at the state of the bathroom like its absolutely gag worthy its so fucking gross#how can someone be showering and shitting in there and??? be okay with that??????#anyway the bathroom may have influenced how much i was able to eat i am still thinking about it now it was absolutely so fucking gross#i feel physically sick#like#i have real bad ocd mostly about contamination and getting sick#and my flat gets into some right states sometimes cus depression but the one thing i can say with pride is that my bathroom is so clean#you could eat out of my toilet it is so clean#its the one room that HAS to be clean#my kitchen is a tip (a clean tip but still a tip) but my bathroom????#its sparkling! shiny and clean and delightful and not triggering as fuck!!#and i use other peoples bathrooms and they make me feel so unwell#like SO UNWELL#the place hes living atm is another ocd household so their bathroom is very clean for similar reasons to mine#but honestly the new place??? rancid!!! awful!!!!!! i may go over with cleaning supplies at some point soon and scrub it so its not so bad#its a genuine health hazard and someone is USING IT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!#sosososososooooooo gross#it needs cleaning properly#ro rambles#ocd
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oh. hm.
#i had a realization today and now i feel so absolutely horrible.#when i was out w friends today one of them wasn't having a good time and stepped out for a moment#and in the back i could hear the other 2 whispering to each other basically abt how she's been like this last time they hung out too#the consensus unspoken was that there was sth off. but they kinda just kept moving along. i stepped out for a bit bc i felt like idk.#she's out alone on the streets someone has to make sure she's okay right.#when I'm back one of them goes oh i was just wondering where you were. as if everything is normal.#after a bit of wandering around in the store the other goes oh where is xxx? as if we weren't all there when she said she's gonna step out.#as if they didn't discuss her behavior right after.#and it suddenly reminded me of when i found my ex with her head buried in her hands when i was gone for a bit.#and i was like oh what's going on and the other 2 there were just chatting and one of them just is like idk she's sleeping.#She Was Crying. I was so. idk. i was panicking i was so worried. And I was so mad too bc how could they not notice a friend being unwell??#and i hated myself for it bc it was my fault for leaving her there and i had her id and it was really my fault and i wouldn't have known#i wouldn't have known that. idk. i thought she was left with people who were her friends who should then pay attention to her wellbeing#idk i. i would have trusted my friends to take care of or at least be aware of how i feel.#but we left for a bit and nobody even noticed. what happened. someone even texted asking where did we go.#and idk it's just the same thing i just realized and connected the dots. they will pay lip service. they will tell u they care abt u.#and they will echo it among themselves oh i worry abt xxx is xxx okay oh yeah xxx has been acting like this as if it actually does anything.#and nobody will actually make sure later on. that she is actually. doing fine. that they can do what's good for her atm.#and God. I'm just realizing that. idk. i. i wish i could've been a better support for my ex if she really had needed it at the time. idk.#i was just listening to what other ppl were telling me. but i. i didn't think it through. if these are the ppl she has for support.#if they didn't care to make me feel cared for. if they didn't care to check if she was okay back then. idk i. God.#oh God. what if i fucked up majorly. god. oh god. idk i just thought they treated me like that bc thry we're mad at me#but what if it's. not a me issue. and i shouldn't have trusted that other ppl would take care of her. bc they aren't. trustworthy in that.#ugh but at the same time. she asked for space from me. what else was i supposed to assume than that she didn't want me around?#at the very very least at least I'm sure her family loves her a lot and will care for her and make sure she's okay. god. i hope so.#idk!! i care but in my position i don't think me caring or wanting to help does anything. she doesn't want my support. she doesn't want me.#idk it's something wrong w me probably i genuinely don't know. she's the one telling me she's worried I'm pushing ppl away so.#it's not behavior she condones ig so it makes no sense if she does it herself if she believed i was good for/to her but still pushed me away#so in conclusion There's gotta be something that i fucked up There's gotta be sth wrong w me but i. god. i.#i have so much to nitpick with myself i genuinely don't even know if I'm a good measure or judge of what i did wrong or right.
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I feel Bad
#am I getting sick?#I don't know I don't get sick often#I might just be tired and anxious but I'm tired and anxious a lot and it doesn't normally feel like this#and I have an audition 🫠 for the community theatre show this summer#which is Anastasia which is not a very good musical btw#I am wearing a dress and I do not like it#I just had my mom take a picture of me because I need a headshot and I#don't take pictures of myself#unless I look especially gay and that's not. what I need rn anyway#here's the thing about auditions#I will not get a main role#which is fine#so many talented women in my area wow#but I WILL be upset by this#even though I have been trying to talk myself down this whole time#and then I will get over it and have a great time this summer but like that short period of time is gonna suck real bad#also I was definitely singing better earlier in the week I cannot sing right now wtf#I feel miserable and unwell and ridiculous#and I am trying very hard not to make a mountain out of a mole hill because it's going to be FINE#I am trying not to catastrophize it's not working#I CAN'T cry it will ruin my voice#I did not practice enough I am going to forget the words#everyone is going to laugh at me in my stupid little black dress HATE#I don't even have pockets this sucks so bad#and I have preemptively chicked out of going to the pflag game night afterwards#AGAIN#cuz I just can't even though the proximity of the two events is why I chose this time slot#thought I was being fucking clever or something
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