#i fell in love with cullen in origins (mage) and had been wanting to romance him in origins and ii

[notebooks-and-laptops]

Welcome to my blog! Here you'll find OFMD brainrot (particularly Izzy/Ed/Stede) and Dragon Age ramblings.

For context, some of my Dragon Age OC’s. From right to left, top to bottom, we have:

Ambeth Lavellan: an elven warrior, Ambeth has no interest in being the inquisitor. Unfortunately, her protestations have fallen mostly on deaf ears. My only inquisitor who is also a mother, Ambeth is keenly aware of her son back with her clan. Her romance with Cullen was a slow, soft thing. 

Alexandria ‘Alex’ Hawke: A soft, diplomatic girl who holds the world on her shoulders and always sees the good in those around her, Alex Hawke has a group of friends that would kill to keep her safe. She is immensely in love with her wife Merrill.

Merripen Lavellan: Merripen Lavellan was born a twin, and when his brother died from the plague, he devoted his life to Falon’Din, Elven God of Death and Fortune. Now, he lives a supposedly quiet life with The Iron Bull, although rumours abound about his close contact with his previous Spy Master and one Dorian Pavus, and what plans he may have for the future.

Aiden Hawke: my canon Hawke, my beloved, my angry boi, my favourite. Full of rage, Aiden started ripping the world apart when his sister was taken to the circle. He fell in love with Anders because of the work Anders was doing for the mage underground, a course he violently believed in. He was very, very tragic and very, very angry and I loved him with my whole soul.

DeLila Cadash: my canon inquisitor, my beloved, my girl, my favourite. The youngest of six, a warrior and a closet nerd, DeLila found a family in the inquisition she never thought she'd have. She misses them all dearly, but loves running rooftops with her wife, infamous Red Jenny Sera (extra pics and info: x x x)

Queen Lillian Hawke: A power hungry blood mage, Lillian finds it mildly funny that her friends, even her biographer, all also kinda hate her. Her relationship with Sebastian led to her claiming the title of Queen of Starkhaven, along with Champion of Kirkwall and Provisional Viscount of Kirkwall. 

Aban Adaar: my sweet, shy mage qunari who loves gardening and his wife Lady Josephine Montilyet (extra pics and info: x x x x)

Jenny Hawke: Crazy, sacrastic, and a little obsessed with gold coin (if prone to over-spending with them), Jenny deflected all her problems with sarcasm. She also had a weakness for pirate queens. 

Rust Cadash-Rainier: whatever her original name was, it's been lost to time. Now she goes by Rust and is learning to cook eggs with her husband (who, rumour has it, may once have been a war criminal, if one can believe the kindly man who spends his free time making toys for children is the same Thom Rainier that Orlais tried to execute), and also fighting to put a stop to Solas's stupidity (fightings in her bones, she could never put down her daggers) (extra pics and info x x x)

Thank you to everyone who puts up with me talking about these idiots, and the many more I'm no doubt likely to create and talk about in the future - my asks are always open if you have any questions about any of them, from which songs I think fit them to their backstories to the choices they made in game x

Some links to other things you may be interested in (because tumblr only lets you pin one post at a time):

I run two discord groups: a Dragon Age one, and an OFMD SteddyHands centric One. Both are 18+. If you want a link to either, please message me and we'll sort something out. Both are v chill communities.

All my writing can be found here on Ao3

My Mod Recs for each Dragon Age game can be found here (I’ll try and keep these vaguely updated too): Dragon age Origins, Dragon age 2, Dragon Age Inquisition

My Solas Romance Review can be found here (one day when I have time I’ll review all the romances in Dragon Age but alas, not yet)

Some fic rec lists of other peoples fics! Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus , Geralt/Jaskier

The Dragon Age fic data I collected can be found here (Nov 2021): Dragon Age Origins, Dragon Age 2, Dragon Age Inquisition

[iridescentmemoria]

Every even number for Inky asks please! <3 and tell me their name and looks!!!

Pfhew! that was a lot of them! but i'm super happy i received this ask! i've been aching to talk about my inquisitor to someone <3 My main inquisitor would be Brenna Lavellan, She's a Dalish mage, pale skin with a dark green vallaslin. She has black hair, long, long enough to have to braid it and pull it into a bun behind her head. She wears several dreads too, with jewelry in them, but alas there's no mod for that. ( i use the mod dreads of the wolf on her ) She carries on her left cheek a scar that cuts through her face and onto her ear, she got it in a fight with a shemlen who'd tried to light their aravels on fire in the woods one night when she was only a youngster.

2 - How did they decorate and structure skyhold?

She decorates it with various trophies from their adventures through thedas, but the heraldry is mostly a mix between the inquisition and the dalish + elven designs. Some ferelden dogs, and an Avvar throne. 4. What are their views of the Chantry?

Fuck the chantry. That's basically her attitude. She understands faith is important to the people of thedas, they need hope, but the chantry is an outdated, cruel institution that practices nothing that they preach. 6. Who did they romance and why?

Solas. She fell for him quickly, his wit and charm and endless stories of the fade and the ancient elvhen empire. she loves him, with whole her heart. Where usually she would be wary of strangers, solas was one of the exceptions. She felt an instant connection with him and it didn't take long before he skillfully broke down her walls and made her fall deeply in love with him.

14. Who is their favourite and most trusted adviser?

If we're talking only the advisers she adores leliana, they cultivated a strong friendship. If we're talking the entire inner circle, that would be dorian, solas, cassandra and cole. 16. How do they react to the corruption of the Wardens? Why? She is apalled by their actions. For an institution to fall so low and resort to tying themselves to demons.. it was just too much. She banishes them from orlais. 18. Do they enjoy Wicked Grace, or don’t they? Not only does she enjoy it, she is also good at it and loves to challenge everyone in skyhold for a game or two. 20. Do they trust Morrigan? Trust? No. She's smart enough to realize Morrigan is in it for her own gain. She respects her and her magical abilities and likes to converse with her ( when she's not bragging about all the knowledge she supposedly possesses about elves and their heritage ) But she doesn't trust her. Morrigan is power hungry, and their debate at the well of sorrows shows that clearly enough. 22. What is their biggest regret?

Ironically, Not realizing Solas wasn't who he said he was. If she'd figured it out sooner, she might've been able to change his mind.. 24. How did they react when they found out about Blackwall/Thom Rainier?

Oof. Yeah that was a big reveal there. She had some suspicions about blackwall but would never have thought him to be a murderer. She pardoned him. But remains distant. Despite their friendship. 26. What makes them trust someone?

Seeing them standing up for what they think is right, standing up for people who cannot defend themselves. And those who do good deeds without wanting anything in return. 28. Did they disband the Inquisition or maintain it?

It was a tough decision. The inquisition was her everything, but seeing the state of thedas and knowing the truth now, that the entire organisation was infiltrated with spies and reeking of corruption... She disbanded it. She was angry and upset, but determined to work towards saving solas from himself. It would be easier with a tight knit group that doesn't involve all the politics and discussions in the winter palace. She also gladly went to kirkwall to live there after varric offered it to her. 30. How did they judge the prisoners? Alexius, Servis and so on. Specific a character.

Alexius was made to serve the inquisition, in researching arcana. But he will not be gaining his freedom. Servis was made to smuggle artefacts. Florianne was killed, and her box was used for community service. Livius Erimond was executed. Ser ruth was sent to the deep roads to achieve what she wanted. Samson was remanded to Kirkwall for judgement of his crimes, though if she was given the chance she would have executed him for all he did. 32. Who did they leave in the Fade, and why?

Stroud. To her it seemed the more logical solution at the time. besides, she loves varric dearly and couldn't take his best friend from him. 34. How do they cope with the stress of being Inquisitor?

Powering through. Trying her best to maintain her sanity by taking breaks on her own when she can. Also elfroot. A lot of it. 36. What was the most difficult choice that had to make?

Whether to disband the inquisition or not.

38. Emotionally, what was their reaction at Sahrina Quarry? The realisation made her nauseous to her core, the poor people there didn't deserve all that and she wishes she could have helped them sooner.

40. Do they get Cullen to start taking lyrium again? Why or why not?

Absolutely not. She supports his decision and provides him with counsel and comfort when he needs it. They are devoted friends, And seeing him overcome his addiction makes her proud. She trusts in him, she knows he can continue his work without the lyrium.

42. How do they view Tevinter? Oof. Yeah.. well considering she is an elf, she doesn't much like the place at all. The only good thing to come out of it is Dorian, who she loves dearly.

44. How do they think their race plays into being Inquisitor? It definitely does. A whole big deal. She is a dalish standing for all peoples. No matter their origin. She is the proof that everyone is worthy of respect. And she openly wants to use her power to advance the elves. 46. Which companion/adviser makes them think twice about their choices, if any?

Dorian. His voice is one of reason and she takes his counsel constantly. Also they have fun little outings that involve a lot of vintage wine and gossip. All the advisors are important to her, she listens carefully to josie cullen and leliana. Also cassandra. And cole. I think the only one she doesn't listen to is viv. ;) 48. What do they think about the Hero of Ferelden?

She doesn't know much about the hero of ferelden. Before the inquisition she kept to the clan and their worries, but she reads up on their story later in the library and finds herself feeling some level of connection to them, they both stand for something better after all. 50. Are they proud of what they accomplished? Yes. Despite everything. She feels like being a part of this whole inquisition took a lot from her, almost everything, but she is proud of what she has accomplished and the changes she's made to the world. Bonus! here's some pics of Brenna for the long wait!

[glacierbash]

dragon age for the fandom asks :)

 t h i r d  t i m e ‘ s  t h e  c h a r m

first time I did it on mobile, it crashed, and it didn’t save, the second I went to go hang out with my partner after i /thought/ I hit post but Apparently Didnt, so here goesssss

prefacing this with saying I played the games out of order, haven’t even managed to play da2 (haven’t been able to buy it yet :pensive:) so my opinions might not be informed as a more intense fan. Buut, still love the games and still have Opinions:tm:

First character I fell in love with: 110% Josephine. When I first saw her, I was like “If I can’t hold her hand this world will be unfixable and I will have no purpose in living anymore” and then I saw the flirt option when talking to her and lost my goddamn mind. It was so nice to see a story where there was just. No Tragedy (to an extent), no dying, it felt like I got to live out my sappy romantic dreams :’) she was my first romance in a DA (or bioware game in general) and she’ll always have a special place in my heart,,

Character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Honestly? Wynne lmao, I thought she would just be “nagging old lady” but she grew on me and to this day I still love her. Even when she was trying to keep me from doing the horizontal tango with Leliana smh /j

Character everyone loves that I don’t: Surprise Surprise, Cullen. When I first started playing Inquisition (since. again, out of order,) he was just slightly annoying to me, if a bit offputting. I didn’t wanna be around him that much, felt some of comments were. strange, so say the least, but then... Then, I played Origins. 

And I fucking hated him.

I can get why some people might like Cullen. I am not one of those people. After doing the circle quest and having to deal with his “kill all the mages” bullshit, I just... Look, I felt bad for him, but still. In my grand opinion, he shouldn’t have. Uh. Wanted to kill all the mages <3 he’s in my top 5 least favorite characters (and yes, I am aware of his addiction story, and while I still feel bad about that, I just... That doesn’t exactly “redeem” his prior actions, for lack of a better term).

Character I love that everyone else hates: I’m not sure if she gets a lot of hate, but Sera. Seeing a lesbian character who will get a happy ending made me really happy. Sure, you can... Dismiss her at any time, there’s almost no interactions that I can remember where you can be nice/understanding with her (even if the interaction gains approval) and sometimes her “my way or the highway” is really shitty (again, for lack of a better term) but still. I love her, I really do. One of my first times seeing an openly, quite unapologetic lesbian in games, and it’s still kinda important to me. I dunno. I was still trying to figure out who I was, I only recently really embraced “lesbian” as my own label, and I guess you could really attribute part of that to her. But, if she isn’t really hated, then disregard this. I’ve just seen some really nasty things people said about her.

Character I used to love but don’t anymore: Solas... And no, not because of his dreadwolf reveal. I enjoyed that! I like the thought of him as a villain! But, like... Lots of stuff started to wear on me, like... It’s been a while since I last played but he always felt quite condescending once I talked to him a bit more, just a bit “I’m superior to you haha.” I was playing a lavellan for this first playthrough, and... I dunno. I don’t hate him! I just don’t really love him. He’s worn on me, and not in a good way.

Character I would totally smooch: You want a list? Sera, Josephine, Leliana, and Qunari lady from the da4 trailer.

Character I want to be like: I don’t think I have a character I’d particularly wanna be like! If I had to choose, I’d pick Dagna, because I respect her dedication to. Learning. JDFKSD (can you tell I’m tired of doing this for the third time?)

Character I’d slap: Cullen <3 I would say Meredith too but even though I know she’s. uh. kinda fucking bad I’ll wait until I play DA2 to say so with Confidence

Pairing I love: Merribela, Leliana/Josephine, and really most pairing between pc/npc, save for a few exceptions, such as...

Pairing i hate: Cullen/Mage. Any mage. Mage Inquisitor. Mage Warden (hghg). Mage random character on the street you yoinked up. Just... No. Nope. Nuh-uh. Usually I’m very “do your own thing, idc if I don’t like it :)” but that’s like... Major nope. Ya know... Kill all the mages in the circle. (Plus, his feelings for a mage warden? When he’s in a position of power over her? :////////////) But! no hatred for anything else, really!

Thank you for the ask!

[vecna]

Oohh for the fandom meme! Dragon Age?

Send me a fandom!

Oh boy, this is going to be spicy.

It’s also very Anders-negative, so apologies up front.

The character(s) I first fell in love with:

I’m actually not sure which was the FIRST, but it’s a tie between Morrigan and Alistair. I saw fanart of them going around at the time Origins first released, and that’s what got me to try the game! 

Alistair was a breath of fresh air, because at the time, I was used to warrior men in games being all Edgy and Rough, and he was the total opposite and a sweetheart.

And Morrigan was just instantly my goth wife, and had Claudia Black as a VA, so I was sold immediately.

Both still hold a special place for me!

The character(s) I never expected to love as much as I do now:

Loghain is the main one. He does a lot of truly reprehensible shit in the first game. But once I sat down and read the prequel novels about young Loghain, plus saw what he’s like if you recruit him, he grew on me A LOT and now he’s a top fave.

Nathaniel I expected to hate as soon as I saw his name + who his father was, but then the expansion came out and I ended up loving that dude almost immediately. I really wish he was around more after Awakening, and also really wish he’d been a romance option, especially for a Cousland haha.

Merrill is a weird one because she was totally uninteresting to me in DA:O, so when they announced her as a companion in DA2 I was like, “Ehhhh.” Then they punked me by making her adorable and sweet and now I love her.

Plus a bunch of side-characters like The Architect? I liked him a bunch in the novel + Awakening – although I found his Plan in the novel much more appealing. But as the years have gone by, I keep surprising myself at just HOW disappointed I am he’s never appeared again haha.

The character(s) everyone else loves that I don’t:

There’s a few, and all of them will get me yelled at, but here we go.

First: Isabela. This one’s a bit complicated, but it really just boils down to her attitude towards how you play your character. I actively dislike characters who are super sexual – regardless of gender. But Isabela in particular bothers me because she’s constantly pushing her lewdness and sexual humor on you, and when you try to discourage it, she admonishes you with, “Well, you’re no fun.” Her whole character is just… like that for me. Super pushy, overly lewd, gets uppity when you don’t have the same ~liberated~ opinions she does, and this is all played up in the writing like she’s this Empowered Woman the player absolutely must love, especially if they’re playing a male character lol. I hate her for the same reasons a lot of people hate Liara in Mass Effect, but with the addition of pushy lewd jokey characters always rubbing me the wrong way.

Second: Iron Bull. I’ve written a lot about why he makes me more uncomfortable than any fictional character I’ve ever encountered, and I just outright hate him, he makes my skin crawl. If you want details, feel free to DM me, I don’t really want to rant about it again publicly.

Third: Anders. Again, I’ve written a lot about him before, but. I hated him in Awakening, for a lot of the same reasons I hate Isabela in DA2. But the changes they made to him in DA2 are just kinda :/. While I absolutely agree with him about Mage Rights, the level of preachiness they added to him drove me nuts, and the fact that you’re painted as a Bad Guy if you don’t like him blowing up the chantry. And from a purely OOC standpoint: He’s become a figurehead for all the aggressive Discourse people in the fandom, and if I see someone list Anders in their sidebar bio, I know pre-emptively that their blog is going to be full of 6 page long essays of meta about how everything is Problematic, and no thanks.

To a lesser extent, I’m also not fond of Zevran. But in his case, it’s not anything major like the others, I’m just tired of Bioware’s habit of making the bisexual characters overly lewd sex-focused rogues/deviants.

The character(s) I love that everyone else hates:

Loghain, lol.

But also Sebastian Vael? There’s so much about him that I find genuinely fascinating, especially regarding his backstory, and his struggles between his feelings of responsibility to his family vs his dedication to the Chantry and bettering himself. He’s such a dear character to me, and such a pivotal part of any playthrough, I’m always blown away when I remember he’s a DLC character and many people don’t have him.

HOWEVER Anders being the fandom darling means that people tend to unfairly shit on Sebastian for reacting poorly to the Chantry explosion. People also like to label him as a poster child of a White Straight Church Boy, while refusing to acknowledge he’s… not straight, and not exactly a church boy either lol.

Also Vivienne, but I think that one’s really self-explanatory. I love her, and she gives a really needed perspective on the Circle, since most of the mage companions previously were apostates. But of course, she gets written off as a Chantry apologist, and an uppity bitch, when people would def love her for the same traits if she was not black lol.

The character(s) I used to love but don’t any longer:

Justice. And by extension, Anders. A lot of people like to rant about how Justice ruined Anders, but I always saw it the other way around.Justice was my favorite character in Awakening. The whole concept around him, that he was a Fade spirit who took human form and was experiencing life for the first time was SO fascinating. I felt like there was so much to explore there with his character.

Buuuut then they had him merge with Anders. With the narrative being that he WAS a spirit of Justice, but the moment he connected with Anders, it corrupted his entire spirit into something he wasn’t anymore. So essentially, the character I used to love no longer exists, thanks to Anders. And it reminds me of that phrase recently, about how the destination is so terrible you can no longer enjoy the journey? I can’t even appreciate Justice in Awakening anymore, knowing what happens to him.

To a lesser extent, Corypheus. He was SO COOL and the premise of him was AMAZING when he first appeared in the DA2 DLC, but then Inquisition had to go and turn him into a weird shallow mustache twirl villain.

The character(s) I would totally smooch:

None? Idk I don’t really have the Smooch Fictional Character gene.

The character(s) I’d want to be like:

MAEVARIS TILANI. May I one day finally have the confidence in my identity that she does, and also marry a sweet bear man who adores me.

The character(s) I’d slap:

Too many to list, really. Probably Anders.

The pairing(s) that I love:

THERE’S SO MANY. And most of them are with the PC, because I generally don’t ship NPCs together. But my top 3 are:

M!Hawke / Fenris is my ultimate OTP in the Dragon Age series, by a long-shot. Not even sure where to start on how much I love it, but two damaged guys leaning on each other to work through their respective loneliness and trauma is MY JAM. And lmao I love silver-sideburned Hawke chillin in retirement somewhere but being a supportive husband while Fenris goes off hunting the Bad Guys, it’s great.

Solas / Lavellan is a close second, with the caveat that I increasingly prefer it with a male Lavellan. Having the Inquisitor in love with Solas just changes the entire tone of the game for me, for the better, and him actually being the villain trying to end the world while in love with this normie elf is just (chef kiss). Too bad I’m burned out by how overly spammed it is.

Dorian / Inquisitor is in third, I will just always be fond of how it’s a story of the Inquisitor helping Dorian be happy with who he is, escape an abusive family, and realize that he’s allowed to be loved. Good shit good shit.

Some others:

Warden / Morrigan is probably my favorite Origins ship, and that only intensified with the way she talks about the Warden in Inquisition, esp if they’re Kieran’s other parent. What a cute goth family, regardless of the Warden’s gender, cause you can pry Bi Morrigan from my cold dead fingers.

Cassandra / Inquisitor might have a lot of Romance Cliches, but I adore it – although, similar others, I increasingly prefer it with a female Inquisitor. I actively dislike the weird no-homo rejection with her, and come on, a lady Inquisitor being her Knight In Shining Armor is just good storytelling.

Cullen / Inquisitor, for a lot of the same reasons as Cassandra. I love me a cliche romance, but I’m also fond of the narrative w/ him of someone he loves helping him heal through the lyrium withdrawals and take time to rest.

Josephine / F!Inquisitor is just adorable all around, and wholesome, and great.

Varric / Hawke COME ON HOW WAS THIS NOT AN OPTION.

On the rarepair end:

Sebastian / Hawke doesn’t seem like it would be a rarepair – you’d think everyone who loves Cullen/Inquisitor would love this one too. I do! But alas. That said, I’m also pretty aggro about this one with a male Hawke because SEBASTIAN IS CANON BI. WHY WAS HIS ROMANCE STRAIGHT.

Maric / Loghain is a rarepair I will take with me to my grave LOL. Never forget the scene where Maric thought Loghain was leaving, and bolted across the camp with almost no clothes on to beg Loghain to stay. Come on.

Nathaniel / Cousland is dear to me, and I love it so much more than Alistair / Cousland haha.

Greagoir / Wynne, I can’t believe this got validated in canon ahhhh.

The pairing(s) that I despise:

Again: THERE’S SO MANY.

Iron Bull / Dorian is my least fave by a longshot. Again, I have written about why I hate this pairing a great many times, but it’s awful and toxic and makes me deeply uncomfortable, and I could happily go the rest of my life without seeing anything about it ever again. Please keep poor Dorian away from that man. He deserves someone that doesn’t sexually harass him until he’s finally worn down into dubious consent (while drunk) and then outted to everyone about it.

Isabela / Fenris. Sorry, but it’s just bad writing that Fenris bails on Hawke because the physical intimacy triggered his PTSD and he needs space to process, but then will turn around and have a casual sex relationship with Isabela instead. Yikes.

Anders / Fenris. Aveline / Isabela. Alistair / Morrigan. All of the DA2 Hawke/companion rivalmances. I don’t enjoy “these two people hate and antagonize and want to kill each other… but they fuck” in any form.

Cullen / Amell. Yikes.

And basically ALL of the canon wlw pairings in this series suffer from the fact they have men writing them, and as a result they’re almost always some kind of abusive or racist, and skeeve me out. See: Celene / Briala, Leliana / Marjolaine, Branka / Hespith, etc. Please Bioware, I’m begging you to consult some actual queer women. It’s insane how badly they’re treated compared to how the canon mlm couples are written.

FINALLY, I recognize this will be the most unpopular of all, but. As much as I love M!Hawke/Fenris, I just honestly cannot stand seeing F!Hawke/Fenris. There are some pairings where I’m so attached to the m/m or f/f version, I cannot deal with the m/f version anymore, and that’s one of them. (The others are mainly non-Bioware.)

[whereismywarden]

OC Masterlist

@kiraia​ pointed out (rightfully so) that I made quite a few vague posts about my OCs, but that I’ve never properly introduced them. It’s true, mostly because I tend to wait until they are well developed to properly do anything with them, which doesn’t happen all that often. So consider this a formal introduction to my current OCs :)

(Under a cut because there are quite a bunch of them. I hope it works on mobile, because otherwise yikes! I’m very sorry.)

Sad Mages Worldstate

It’s probably the one I talk about the most. It’s the most developed worldstate, with the most developed OCs and I’ve written a lot of fics about them.

The Warden: Ana Surana [Tag | Complete bio | Fanfictions]

pairings: Ana x Daylen Amell (friends with benefits), Ana x Alistair (DAO romance), Ana x Carver (current pairing, now married) + I occasionally throw Isabela into the mix because reasons.

Born in the Gallows and taken to an orphanage in Highever until her magic manifested.

Grew up close to Anders, Jowan, Amell and (to a lesser extent) Finn.

Had a baby that she was forced to give to the Chantry.

Main DAO choices include: romancing Alistair, getting her heart broken after making him king, stupidly refusing to do Morrigan’s ritual and watching him sacrifice his life for her.

Later she starts dating Carver (whom she actually met at Ostagar where they had a brief fling before the Battle).

Takes part in the Mage Underground and helps Anders build his bomb.

Starts hearing the Calling shortly before DAI.

Is Hawke’s contact during HLtA.

The Champion: Alwyn Hawke [Tag | Complete bio | Fanfictions]

pairings: Alwyn x Anders (DA2 romance, on and off), Alwyn x Cullen (one time), Alwyn x Rylen (post DAI, considering making them endgame, not sure yet).

Purple Hawke.

Carver becomes a warden.

Supports the mages.

Develops a close friendship with Ana.

Breaks up with Anders after the Chantry explosion, wishing he’d trusted him enough to share his plan with him. They do get back together later on.

Is the first one to learn about Ana hearing the Calling.

Stays behind in the Fade during HLtA, but eventually finds a way out.

He was found by Inquisition scouts in the Western Approach, suffering from amnesia.

Later falls in love with Rylen.

(Note that I still need to update that last part into his bio.)

The Inquisitor: Violette Surana [Tag | Complete bio | Fanfictions]

pairings: Violette x Orsino (once twice), Violette x Samson (current partner).

Ana’s mum.

Orlesian who grew up in Ferelden during the occupation.

Was taken to the Gallows at age 13.

Was a close friend of Malcolm Hawke.

Had her baby (Ana) taken by the Chantry. Later escaped.

Hates the Chantry.

Attends the Conclave in the hopes that Ana might be there.

Starts sleeping with Samson after his capture because he basically said fuck the Chantry to her face and it turned her on.

Hardened Leliana becomes Divine.

Other OC: Neriah Amell-Hawke

Is Ana’s daughter. She got her out of the orphanage after the Blight (thanks, Leliana).

Her father is Daylen Amell. Carver adopted her when he married her mama.

Is 18 as of Trespasser.

Second Chances Worldstate

This one started off as an AU for a fic starring Ana and Alistair which is why these two worldstates are so similar. The point of divergence is that Jowan went to Amell for help instead of Ana for some reason.

The Warden: Daylen Amell [Tag | Fanfictions]

pairings: Day x Ana (friends with benefits), Day x Morrigan (DAO romance and while I did consider for a while not having him follow her through the eluvian, I changed my mind. There’s too much growth potential.)

His father was Maurevar Carver, because I say so.

Main DAO choices include: Sparing Loghain, Alistair becoming a drunk, not doing Morrigan’s ritual because he can just throw Loghain at the Archdemon (which he did).

Helps Ana get their daughter out of the Kirkwall orphanage. Bails on them right afterwards.

Does follow Morrigan through the eluvian and actually ends up being a decent dad to Kieran.

Does not become Ferelden’s Warden-Commander.

The Champion: Alwyn Hawke (yes, again)

Like I said, this was originally an AU, so it made sense to keep the same Hawke. There are quite a few differences, however.

pairings: none.

Does not bring Anders to the Deep Roads. Carver dies.

Suffers from severe depression afterwards.

Goes from purple to full blue after Leandra’s death.

Stays behind in the Fade. Probably won’t make it out in this worldstate.

The Inquisitor: Asaara Adaar [Tag | Fanfictions]

pairings: Asaara x Cullen (starts before DAI, now married).

Meets Cullen shortly before the Chantry explosion. They fall in love.

Not going into too much details because it will be part of Second Chances’ main story.

Other OCs: Ana Surana and Neriah [Main fic | Other fics]

Again, can’t go into too much detail because spoilers.

pairings: Ana x Carver (before the Deep Roads expedition anyway), Ana x Alistair.

Day brings Ana to Kirkwall shortly after the Blight to meet their daughter. She ends up staying after they get Neriah out of the orphanage.

Single mom. Works as a waitress.

They find drunk Alistair in their garbage. Ana wants to help him get better.

Other OC: Issala Adaar [Tag]

pairings: Issala x Varric (post-DAI).

Is Asaara’s overexcited little sister.

Likes to tinker with explosives.

Built a handheld cannon. It’s clunky, not very accurate and is prone to misfire. In other words, it still needs a lot of work.

Varric thinks she’s adorable so he made her his personal bodyguard.

Angry Dalish Worldstate

The Warden: Shaelyn Mahariel [Tag | Fanfictions]

pairings: Lyn x Tamlen (Origin), Lyn x Bethany, (considering Lyn x Alistair between DA2 and DAI but even that might be too cruel.)

Doesn’t want to be a warden.

DAO choices include: Alistair remaining with the wardens because he doesn’t want to be king.

No in-game romance, she was too heartbroken after losing Tamlen.

Eventually starts dating Bethany.

Travels to the Free Marches after the death of her clan to kill the man responsible.

Almost dies in the resulting fight against Hawke (thank the Creators Anders was there).

Goes home and confesses to Bethany that she almost killed her brother and that she would have done it had he not been so badass. They break up.

The two of them reconcile post-DAI, after Hawke and Merrill’s wedding.

The Champion: Kris Hawke [Tag]

pairings: Kris x Merrill (now married).

Blue Hawke.

Sadly couldn’t save Merrill’s clan.

Didn’t want to hurt Lyn that badly during their fight, he was just defending himself. Deeply regrets it afterwards.

The Inquisitor: no one specific yet, but likely a Lavellan romancing Solas.

Alistair stays behind in the Fade.

Elves in Luuuuv Worldstate

The Warden: Kallian Tabris [Tag | Fanfictions]

pairings: Tabs x Alistair (DAO romance)

Probably the most canon-compliant OC.

Main DAO choices include: making Alistair king with Anora as queen and becoming his mistress.

Madly in love.

Will have a happy ending.

No Hawke or Inquisitor yet.

Homecoming Worldstate

The Warden: Elaine Cousland [Tag]

pairings: Elle x Nathaniel (pre-DAO, now ex-husband), Elle x Leliana (DAO romance), Elle x Sebastian (current).

Was BFF with Anora during their childhood.

Actually met Sebastian before he was sent to the Chantry. The two of them had similar lifestyles back then, so when Elle visited Starkhaven with her father, the two of them developed a rivalry of sorts in their romantic pursuits (think Merteuil and Valmont, but a lot more light-hearted). They do spend one night together after learning that he is going to be sent to the Chantry.

Eventually fell in love and married Nate. They kept their relationship a secret, however. They divorced after the Blight.

Main DAO choices include: romancing Leliana, making Alistair king with Anora as queen, sparing Loghain and performing the ritual.

Her relationship with Leliana didn’t survive the distance.

Leaves the Wardens after the Chantry explosion and basically goes on the run from everyone because she feels responsible for what happened.

Helps Sebastian reclaim his throne. They fall in love. (I’m currently writing a fic about this, actually)

Still unsure about her DAI fate. Either she replaces Hawke in HLtA and stays behind in the Fade, or she becomes Inquisitor.

The Champion: Violetta Hawke [Tag | Fanfictions]

pairings: Letta x Isabela (DA2 romance).

Yes, she was totally named after Violette.

Is Kris’ sister.

Carver becomes a Templar.

Spared Anders.

Sails into the sunset with Isabela.

DAI fate will depend on what I decide to do with Elle.

The Inquisitor: no one yet.

Loghain survives HLtA.

I am considering having Neriah (yes, again) be the Herald with someone else as Inquisitor since she’s only a kid. In this worldstate, she grew up in Kirkwall’s orphanage before being taken to the Gallows. She escapes the massacre and Carver eventually takes her under his wing.

I'm planning to have two additional worldstates (I want one per warden origin). One called "Happy Dwarves" with a male Brosca romancing Zevran and one called "Dead Heroes" with a male Aeducan romancing Leliana (and probably Alwyn again, idk). I also have a couple of Cadashes that I want to put somewhere, a woman romancing Josie and a man romancing Divine Cassandra. Idk yet if they'll be Inquisitors or if I'll just add them to one of the existing worldstates. Odds are one will be Inquisitor while the other just tags along.

I probably missed a few things here and there, but that’s basically the gist of it. Thanks to anyone who actually stuck to the end, lmao.

[free-the-mages]

Dragon Age questions

!!!!!!!!!!! i was tagged by the lovely @bitchesofostwick (thank you so much!!!) and i’m not tagging anyone because i’m late to this (sorry, i didn’t do it immediately when i saw it and in my usual fashion i forgot for a few days. >_>) so i know basically everyone i would tag has already been tagged. but anyway, let’s get on with it!!

p.s. this’ll be long because i ramble. ❤️

01) favorite game of the series? i’d say inquisition, probably. i rather like the character creator and the open-world feel of it. i like the gameplay of it too. it also gets bonus points because it’s the only game i know how to mod even a little, which makes me happy because i can get characters that are 100% unique to me. :]

02) how did you discover Dragon Age? Shit, nearly a decade ago i remember finding this disc for a game called Dragon Age: Origins lying around one day. it was my brother’s and i can’t remember where he said he got it, but anyway it was damaged and wouldn’t play anyway. i didn’t give a rat’s ass about it tbh. my thoughts of it went no further. it wasn’t until about three years later that my brother bought it for the 360 and i saw him play a bit and then learned that there was a character creator and I FUCKING LIVED (AND STILL DO) for games with character creators. so my happy ass started playing!!!! (that was the very first version of my Tabris, Lark!) shortly after that i purchased it for PC and the rest is history!

03) how many times you’ve played the games? I’ve completed Origins only once. I’ve started a few playthroughs, but i’ve never gotten very far. :/ oh, and i also completed Awakening once. i’ve completed DA2 i believe twice. Again, i’ve started multiple playthroughs, just never finished them all. and basically the same for Inquisition, tbh. i’ve done one playthrough without Trespasser and one with. OR i might have just loaded up the finished save and played Trespasser when i bought it. xD in any case i’ve played each game through at least once.

04) favorite race to play as? i don’t really see it as favorites? in Inquisition i’ve technically created a couple characters for each race (except a dwarf. haven’t gotten around to making a dwarf quizzy yet) but most of them are just “throwaway” characters that i make to romance people because i want to try all the romances but i can’t make every character i create into like, a character character, that exists fully in my head and outside the game. so any characters you hear about from me are ones that have really stuck out to me in one way or another. anyway the only warden i ever made that mattered any was Lark, who is of course an elf. i like them all tbh! i was rather excited about being able to play a badass qunari chick, though! (even though my first character was a human. go figure.)

05) favorite class? mage!!!!! when first played Origins i made Lark a warrior. idk for sure why, but i think it was because i didn’t want a character in the Circle. i wanted a city elf. idk why i picked warrior over rogue though. my first Hawke was a warrior. again, idk why. my second Hawke was a mage, and I. FELL. IN. LOVE. i loved the fighting animations, i loved the spells, i just…. i loved. when i finally was able to play DAI (which was a few years after it was released) my first character was a mage. again, i loved it. however, when i went back to DAO at one point and tried being a mage i was not a fan of it. i didn’t like the way it played. BUT OVERALL my favorite is definitely mage. :]

06) do you play through the games differently or do you make the same decisions each time? the same. it might be sad and pitiful, but in-game decisions give me real-world feelings and anxiety so i just make the decisions that stay in my comfort zone. :] sometimes i’m brave and try different things, but for the most part i make the same decisions.

07) go-to adventuring group? Disclaimer: if applicable, i take my LI everywhere i go. :] i honestly try to take a variety of people because i want a balanced team as much as possible. i’m also a very casual player, so i don’t use the tactical camera or like, the behavior patterns or anything. i leave everything default. so i try to mix and match and come up with a team that i feel best compliments my character’s class/abilities or whatever, without me having to babysit them or really do any work in regards to that. that AND i like to hear the different banters tbh. when i’m picking my team sometimes i’ll stop and think, “omg, what is [character] and [character]’s relationship really like??? i never take them together so i don’t know!!” so i’ll expand my horizons and take groups of companions that i don’t normally take together. that being said, I LOVE ALL THE COMPANIONS ALL THE TIME SO I DON’T PLAY FAVORITES. :]

08) which of your characters did you put the most thought into? Probably Sydnie, because she was the first game character that really developed into an OC. the first one i really wanted to try writing for. my first Inquisitor. :] she was the first (game) character that, as i was playing, i really sat and thought, “what would this living being with a soul do when presented with this situation?” instead of just clicking whatever. xD anyway, ideas just came flying at me when i thought about her. overall i feel like she’s very underdeveloped still as far as character’s go, but i love her and i’ve been thinking a lot more about her lately. i’d really love to finish writing something for her eventually. xD

09) favorite romance? oh man, idk. tbh i’ve not finished all of the romances so a part of me wants to be like, “i can’t really answer this tbh”. Lark romanced Alistair, and it was cute and i love them. (i’ve toyed with the idea of writing some stuff for them and it’d be so cute if i could actually get my ass into gear.) i really liked Fenris’s romance (and DA2 was the only game that i played through more than one companion’s romance.) and Cullen is the only one i’ve completed a romance for in DAI, though i played most of Josie’s and i’m love. :] honestly i really do feel like there really isn’t an answer from me for this one. sorry! D:

10) have you read any of the comics/books? nope. i was thinking of maybe getting The Masked Empire but i haven’t fully decided yet. i unfortunately don’t read books much these days. (i’d rather be on my comp playing games or arting or maybe reading fic!!)

11) if you read them, which was your favorite book? n/a

12) favorite DLCs? i am so fucking ambivalent wtf. seriously, people. i’m coming to learn that there are few things i have an actual feelings on either way. -___- Trespasser is the only big DLC i own and i fucking hate it. it’s great and all but i kind of cried at the end so whatever. :] but honestly i really really like the Spoils of the Qunari DLC!!!!! the antaam-saar!!!!!! (i think i spelled it right idk i’m too lazy to check please forgive me) and the mount!!!!! good stuff. i own (i think) all of the DLC for DA2 and i like them all well enough. i also own all for DAO and i like them well enough. i’ve only ever played the DAO in-game DLC as well as Awakening (meaning no Leli’s Song, no Witch Hunt, etc.) i just never got around to it. anyway, really. not really playing favorites here either. xD

13) things that annoy you. not much tbh. i suppose it’s annoying that sometimes in some games i’m sitting here like, “okay, why did my character just say these words? that wasn’t what the words that i clicked on said. ?????????”

14) Orlais or Ferelden? Ferelden! because it’s more rustic and i like that. :3 also mabaris.

15) templars or mages? mages. though i do believe there’s an argument to be had about the treatment of both groups at the hands of the chantry. but still mages. :]

16) if you have multiple characters, are they in different/parallel universes or in the same one? obviously i intend to have and OC HOF, champion, and inquisitor all in one universe. i’ve had a hard time trying to figure out which characters i want to be canon and which aren’t. i’ve also toyed with the idea of having multiple world states that act as their own individual canons, but that’s a lot of work and like… lazy. :] for a while i just figured Lark was my canon warden no canon Hawke thus far and Sydnie my canon Inquisitor. but idk.

17) what did you name your pets? (mabari, summoned animals, mounts, etc) UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM………………….. one of the mabaris in the first two games was named Charlemagne (i think my Hawke’s dogs are always Charlemagne) and i think Lark’s dog was… omg hold on i have it documented somewhere. *a few minutes later* Shawshank! Lark’s dog’s name is Shawshank.

18) have you installed any mods? yes because i’m garbage that is privileged enough to be a computer gamer and can install mods. i also really like having mods and making mods so yes. yes i install mods. :]

19) did your Warden want to become a Grey Warden? not particularly, though she didn’t mind having to leave the alienage. she’d be dead or worse if she’d stayed and also she would have attempted to run away long before shit hit the fan if she didn’t have her family to think about. she still cared for her family and she did feel some sadness over leaving them, but it was like her soul made a sigh of relief and a weight was lifted. she was truly happy to leave. becoming a Grey Warden was sort of like a not completely unpleasant side effect.

20) hawke’s personality? i don’t really have a Hawke atm but I generally tend to play blue Hawkes.

21) did you make matching armor for your companions in Inquisition? no and they should all thank the maker because every fucking one of ‘em would be in plaidweave and that’s that on that.

22) if your character(s) could go back in time to change one thing, what would they change? ugh this is too much thinking for me. why are there so many questions?!??!?!!? anyway idk. i think Sydnie would change the way she let herself react to a really bad thing that happened in the circle. because she reacted the way she did, it completely changed who she was and it takes her a long time to get herself back. sorry it’s vague but that’s just how these things go sometimes. :] Lark doesn’t really live in the past, if that makes sense? she doesn’t dwell on things enough to regret. why change the past when you can own this day???? as a certain cheeky lesbian elf apparently says maybe. :3

23) do you have any headcanons about your character(s) that go against canon? kind of, but mostly small things, and generally only things that pertain directly to my character. also i like to switch things up when it comes to romances. :] i try to take the basics of the in-game romance arc and tailor it a bit more to what i envision. or just what i want. ;D so i guess that could maybe be considered off canon, though i don’t really see the romances as canon anyway.

24) are any of your character(s) based on someone? no. not intentionally, anyway. it would take me way too long to explain my thought processes when it comes to creating characters (and this bitch is already long enough at this point) so i won’t go into details. :] so basically no, i don’t ever really set out to base characters on people. maybe subconsciously it happens? idk.

25) who did you leave in the Fade? my first playthrough was the default world state so i sacrificed Stroud because of course i did. with the custom world state i have now i sacrificed Hawke. D: because you know i’m not sacrificing Alistair!!!! especially not after he said the stuff about Lark and them being together AND I COULDN’T TAKE THAT AWAY. also it wasn’t like it was MY Hawke, because i don’t have an actual OC Hawke it was quite easy to sacrifice her because i had no real attachment to her. anyway don’t fucking ask me who i’ll sacrifice when i finally get around to actually deciding on my canons and their world state because I DON’T KNOW AND I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT. thank you. :]

26) favorite mount? i don’t use mounts much actually. i like hearing banter. that being said, i really like the way the qunari horse looks. i also like the harts and i don’t care what anyone else says i love their nails-on-chalkboard screech. fight me if you must but i said what i said. :]

THANKS SO MUCH TO ANYONE WHO READS THIS I APPRECIATE YOU LETTING ME WASTE YOUR TIME!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

[aurianavaloria]

Desire is a Demon: On Cullen’s Past and Relationships

In thinking about Cullen and the significance of his possible romantic relationship with the Inquisitor (primarily for fanfic writing purposes), I've often wondered about the tortures he suffered at Kinloch and the effect that his experiences might have on it - particularly on starting that kind of relationship to begin with.

What follows are my thoughts on the subject as I try to wrap my head around the situation, and also why I think his possible relationship with the Inquisitor in general is not only a sign of his growth and development as a character (especially if the Inquisitor is a mage), but also a perhaps unexpected way to help him spiritually and emotionally heal.

As I said, these are just my thoughts to try and help fill in gaps for my own fics, but if you like what you read here, and it helps your own understanding in some way, that's great. :D I am also open to discussion, if you like. :)

**Spoiler Warning and Wall of Text incoming...**

Torture at Kinloch

Not much is known about the specifics of Cullen's entrapment after the Circle fell. The games in general, the World of Thedas, and Cullen himself are all rather vague about the matter, offering only clues as to what might have happened behind the scenes.

The most obvious facet of his torture is the choking confinement he suffers that actually causes his claustrophobia; World of Thedas mentions the caging purple bubble in which he is found makes it difficult for him to breathe, which is a symptom he later reportedly suffers again on the ship to Kirkwall whenever he is belowdecks. While trapped in this magical cage, which he cannot dispel no matter how hard he tries, it can also be reasonably assumed that he is tortured at the hands of Uldred and/or other abominations, just like the rest of his comrades whose gruesome deaths he witnesses.

Moreover, it is heavily implied that he was violated specifically by a Desire demon - at the very least mentally, if not physically as well. Notably, the World of Thedas mentions Cullen referring to "images" in his report to Greagoir, especially regarding the deaths of his fellow Templars. Furthermore, in Origins, if the Warden is a Circle mage, upon being found in his cage, Cullen reveals his infatuation with her, which he says is used against him in some manner to tempt him into giving in to domination/possession.

In my opinion, these clues indicate that his torture by the demon is mostly psychological - images, visions, illusions, etc. - in an attempt to break his will, but physical violation accompanying these illusionary temptations is also a great possibility.

That the Desire demon is involved in the torture, I believe, is one of the most important points about Cullen's experiences and the resulting change in his state of mind. Uldred and his fellows' actions succeed in temporarily turning Cullen against mages as a whole, but the Desire demon likely plays a prominent role in dictating Cullen's personal life for a long time, especially his romantic relationships (or the lack thereof). Because of this particular demon's involvement, it is my personal belief that Cullen is a virgin and remains so through the events of Kirkwall.

Here's why...

Desire is a Demon

Just like Uldred's actions have a long-lasting effect on the way Cullen views mages, I have no doubt his psychological/physical torture at the hands of the Desire demon also has long-lasting effects on the way Cullen views relationships of any sort.

When the Warden finds Cullen in his cage, he reveals that he is tortured with the illusions of "the one thing [he] always wanted but could never have. Using [his] shame against [him]." For me, that "one thing" matches the idealistic vision he's had of the Templar Order since boyhood - a similarly idealistic, fairy tale type romance.

The demon naturally sees this desire of Cullen's as a means of manipulation, just like the situation with another Templar in the tower who, it is revealed, succumbs to mind control when his desire of having a family is made manifest by demonic illusion. Perhaps this Desire demon that succeeds in controlling the other Templar is the very same one that also tempts Cullen...

In any case, having his "ill-advised infatuation" used as a weapon against him likely makes him hyper-conscious of developing such feelings again. If there is anything that his training and his experiences have taught him, it is that demons will delve deep into one's mind to seek thoughts and emotions to use to their advantage. Thus, to avoid such, one must become the opposite - entirely focused on duty and having satisfaction only in fulfilling those duties. Nothing else. Anything outside of this focus is a weakness that can be exploited.

Desire is a weakness. Desire is also a demon. Desire nothing, and the Desire demon has nothing to use.

Therefore, taking all of the above into account, it is my belief that, after what happens to him at Kinloch, Cullen shoves any and all desire for relationships (romantic, sexual, platonic, etc.) behind a wall. In his efforts to ensure that the same situation that happened at Kinloch doesn't arise again, he must also ensure that no such feelings occur again, either. Thus, IMO, he suppresses them for years afterwards, constantly focused on work, a habit he carries over into the Inquisition.

Is his eventual workaholic attitude a result of the initial suppression? Or does his natural ability to prioritize duty over personal needs/wants make the suppression easier? Maybe it's a bit of both, a cycle that feeds into itself. In any case, as Cullen himself says in an attempt to fend off inquisitive potential suitors at the Winter Palace, he becomes "married to his work."

An interesting choice of words.

"But I want to..."

This suppression of his romantic/sexual desires could plausibly happen all the way through his joining the Inquisition. Until, of course, he meets the Inquisitor.

And then, all of a sudden, his infatuation returns. Deleted dialogue (thanks @fontofnothing!) from later in his romance suggests he is smitten with the Inquisitor from the very beginning - that, and the Inquisitor can flat-out ask him point-blank how long he’d wanted to kiss her, and his response is “longer than I should admit.”

One can only wonder how he initially handles this realization that he's falling for someone again after so many years...that he finds himself drawn to the Herald and "unable to take his eyes off [her]." Of course, dialogue from the initial start of his romance suggests he tries to suppress his feelings again, with his reasoning being that there is a rank difference (the Inquisitor is his superior), that they all have bigger fish to fry...and yet, there's a "but."

"It seems too much to ask...but I want to..." he says.

“I want to.”

He's letting himself want. Desire.

Of course, this starts earlier in his development, presumably right before the Inquisition is formed, when he willingly abandons lyrium. This action in and of itself is an expression of following his desires, rather than what someone else thinks he should do or what he thinks duty demands. He desires to be rid of the lyrium, and he lets himself follow through with such a desire. It seems such a small want comparatively, but Desire demons detect and exploit all wants on all levels (remember Connor from Origins).

And now he's letting himself want someone.

He says it himself that “it has been a long time since [he] wanted anyone in [his] life.” And now he does.

It's a vulnerability, and one that he shares with the Inquisitor despite his fears. Despite all that's happened to him. Despite steeling himself against all vulnerabilities in Kirkwall, building metaphorical walls and patching defenses. In baring himself to the Inquisitor in such a way, he's exposing himself in a manner he hasn't allowed for ten years. He is opening himself to the possibility of being hurt again, but just the hope that such want and desire might be reciprocated makes him take the risk.

In short, letting himself desire the Inquisitor is a huge step for Cullen. Not only has he removed himself from the lyrium, which empowers him against demons, he also completely opens an avenue for a Desire demon to take, straight to his heart.

But just as he learns (more like reminds himself) and grows to accept that not all mages are corrupt and evil, he also learns that not all desires lead to pain and torture - mere tools used against him.

That he can love and find comfort in another who loves him back, and it isn't a weakness to patch or a hole in his armor, but a strength.

Just as Cole says, "He feels like quiet, stronger when you hold him."

[qualapec]

Favorite characters meme

@myheartgoesswimming tagged me in this!

“Post 10 of your favorite characters from different fandoms, in no particular order, and tag 10 people [if you want!] “

I’m a JERK who can’t help but rank my favorite characters,

Favorite male characters:

1. Jacob Frye Jacob had an absolutely unprecedented climb up my favorite characters list. He went from being this butch asshole in the trailers for AC:S to...I LOVE MY BI SON??? I don’t think I’ve purely identified with a character so much since Marian Hawke in DAII when I was a closeted 18 year old who didn’t think I’d ever come out. Like, I’m ultimately not too protective of my favorite dudes--I look at my list and I’m like, yeah, this is mostly garbage. Jacob is the one dude character who I have actually cried over people saying shit about him (I casually call Jacob garbage a lot, but not too long ago a good friend said “yeah, he fucks up everything. really everyone would be better off without him” and I cried harder than I thought I would).

I identify with Jacob because he’s a giant ADHD bisexual who messes up literally everything he does but still tries the best he can to be a good person and he’s someone who still legitimately cares about people who have hurt him deeply. At the same time, he’s not a queer character that wants to fully integrate with society either. He’s funny and loves his sister and she’s a better Assassin than he is. He’s a good person but his queerness isn’t clean--it’s rough and it hurts and it damages his relationships and it’s so real to me.

I’ve never felt happier about being bi and not totally good at things than the months after AC:S came out and Jacob was announced as canonically bisexual. Before that I’d been struggling a lot with the lesbians v. bi women thing, and Jacob just made me feel so good about myself and so hopeful. I love Jacob Frye.

2. Johannes Cabal I have never been more right about a character’s ultimate arc than I was with Cabal. He’s been on my list of faves for years, but the fifth book jettisoned him into second place among the guys. If he were canonically queer he and Jacob would probably be tied tbqh. I love this horrible man. I love his arc. Anyone who wants to write villains with a redemption should read these books. SPOILERS but I love how his arc isn’t about accepting things the way they are re: death. He never accepts the Bible, never goes to confession and gets his sins forgiven. He never gives up his desire for things to be changed and for the unfairness/injustice of death to be righted and his disbelief in religion as a savior. He never gives up his arrogance. He’s still really smart.

But by the end, he becomes a human who is worthy of having friends and is capable of doing the right thing and that means so much to me. I expected a giant Thing at the end where he did something truly villainous to show that he was Always That Way and Always Would Be, but it never happened. He slowly defeated evil within himself without even knowing it, and that matters to me.

END SPOILERS. The second trash wizard I ever fell in love with.

3. Loki (MCU). Oh, Loki. My queer rage analogue.

Some context: I saw Thor (2011) when my family was falling apart. I was mad, so mad. That scene when Loki confronts Odin was so profound to me--I read it as a coming out scene, and I know a lot of other queer folks did, too.

I’ve known I was bi since Dragon Age II, as dumb as that sounds. When I wanted nothing more than to romance both a dude and a lady. BUT I had planned to bury it. It was easier to just date men, so why not? When Loki was revealed as Canonically Bisexual, that was really when the word clicked for me. That was the moment I think I knew that word was truly inescapable for me.

Whoo boy. That scene in the Avengers when he shows up after creating a portal with the Tesseract and intends to tear the world apart...that’s the moment I realized how queer and angry I was. I was closeted and wanted to burn it ALL down. He would either win or be destroyed, and the fantasy of burning as I was was so satisfying to me--either way he was going to die as himself. I was sitting in the theatre and that was when I knew I had no choice but to come out. I was afraid. Anger was an easier feeling to have.

Loki. My reminder that I’ll take a queer villain over a Perfect Queer (TM) every day of the week and also for the rest of my life--I will never, ever care about a Perfect Queer, because that’s not what I am, that’s not the family I come from, that’s not the reality of my health or what I aspire to be. That rage gave me the courage to come out, and tbqh it gives me strength now.

4. Harry Dresden Harry is Trash Wizard Prime. I discovered him during a time when men were an absolute mystery to me--I didn’t grow up with many (any) good male role models. As a bi teenager, I started to notice men because that’s the thing girls attracted to men were socially supposed to do, and I realized I didn’t understand them.

I saw the cover for Dead Beat in a Barnes & Noble and I picked it up. He looked so dashing, so rogueish. And this chaotic good motherfucker is that. He cares about people and wants to do the best he can with his gift, even if he is imperfect, and that spoke to me as a teenager so much.

He was a male character who I felt safe with. Society hated him for his gift, and sometimes did its best to destroy him even while he was trying to be good (which, in retrospect, is one reason why I associate mages/wizards/witches with queerness). I felt like he was a man who would protect me as a girl who, at that time, thought of myself as het but who was very afraid of men (L O L. LOL. L      O       L. Biggest joke ever) and who had experienced trauma at male hands.

I felt deeply betrayed when, after Changes, he had intrusive thoughts about raping the women around him.

I don’t quite have words for how much that hurt. Cabal was never misogynist in quite that way, and Loki is a virulent misogynist, but in a way that strikes me as very real for some queer men (not okay, but A Thing That Actually Happens). And as someone with OCD who experiences damaging intrusive thoughts myself, I feel like should have understood.

I felt really betrayed when Harry’s character took that direction. It caught me by surprise. It was actually triggering for me--the message I got was “every man will hurt you” and I’ve spent years trying to unlearn that. I remember shaking after a certain chapter of the book after Changes. I remember thinking that Men Will Always Hurt Me if Harry would.

Recent books revealed it was the result of a demon in his head...but it still hurt a lot. I discovered those books when I needed a man to look up to, and I still feel like that trust was betrayed.

I wouldn’t really recommend The Dresden Files to any of my friends now--I still want them to read them to understand a very formative text for me. I love Harry Dresden. He is part of what made me, of what defined my morality. I love him. I want him to be part of a better story.

Also I will be 100% honest and say that his super cis straight dude descriptions of wanting to sleep with women really spoke to me as a young queer chick. I was really into “vagazzled” btw.

5. Cullen Rutherford WE HAVE ARRIVED AT THE OUTLIER.

Cullen has that Captain America vibe I usually can’t stand. He’s super lawful good and even upholds laws that he shouldn’t.

He’s also a drug addict who was deeply traumatized and needs his girlfriend to function (an ongoing theme with me). Even his very oppressive anger makes sense to me. It sucks, but I get it. That’s valid.

Also, I really hate it when people say his character arc made no sense. I’m sorry, those people flat out don’t understand narrative or think characters can escape their original packaging. Spoiler; that’s not an ‘arc’. Characters change, deal with it.

I think one thing I love about Cullen is that he was really, really tailored for women who are interested in men (note: not just Straight Women).

I think one of the biggest things for me is that he’ll do anything for the Inquisitor (his girlfriend). He was SUPPOSED to be bi via leaks from the company that made the game (if that was canon he’d be much higher on this list). But it does ultimately matter a lot to me that he was so specifically tailored to be a fantasy for women who are interested in men. He loves her. He will do almost anything for her. She helps him get over a serious addiction. Cullen taught (my bi/poly ass) about m/f narratives that I needed.

I guess I have a Thing for men who really need the women in their lives. Cullen gets the girlfriend role, and all the trauma that only men are usually allowed to have.

Honorable mentions:

Victor and Yuuri from Yuri on Ice. (If they had more canonical trauma, they would have lettered, and they may in the future. I love that Literally Wearing a Bi Flag Victor is a garbage human being who doesn’t understand feelings but still loves is boyfriend and doesn’t want that relationship to end. I love how Yuuri is an anxious gay baby.) Albert Wesker, a truly fine villain who was not done justice by those movies. Ned Wynert, who taught me a lot about writing characters from marginalized groups I am not a part of.

Favorite lady characters: 1. Marian Hawke. I almost don’t have words for how deeply formative Hawke is to me. She changed my life. I know she can be a different person no matter who plays her, but I think the things I fundamentally love about her are somehow universal.

For context on Marian Hawke--I was 18 and deeply closeted when I played DAII for the first time. I had committed to “never coming out” because I thought it would make my mom sad. I remember sitting in the uni library and thinking about Hawke and how bi aka queer (ADDITIONALLY poly) I was and I regret how that was the moment I decided I would only date men because it would be easier. That didn’t last. I didn’t know how much that would tear me up inside.

Hawke was the first gateway to my sexuality, but I thought I could avoid her message.  I knew I wanted to date both men and women.

Hawke herself is...me. Granted, you can control some of her actions as the player, but she still fucks up in a lot of the same ways no matter which version of her you play. She still tries to do the best she can (sometimes that’s a lot, sometimes not a lot, sometimes it’s oppressive). She cares. I can’t remember if she or Cabal came into the Trash Wizard (or trash mage) #2 slot, but she’s right up there on my fave trash magician list.

Because she’s so deeply formative, she’s another character I can’t be rational about. I HATE with every fiber of my being that she’s not static/unchangeable. I partly hate dude!Hawke so much because there are no female characters like my take on Marian that even EXIST. Soft butch, bi, diplomatic, kinda funny, kinda mad.

She tries her best, just like I think I do. She fails a lot, even when she means well. My Marian is bi as fuck. She changed my life. I don’t know who I would be without her (I mean, probably still bi as fuck, but still). I love Marian Hawke.

2. Evie Frye. I’ll just say it: Evie Frye fixed my ability to write female characters.

I was feeling a lot of pressure from other female writers (sadly, even particularly other queer women) to write WOMEN’S NARRATIVES. I felt like those had to be about rape and weakness and strength in spite of that. THAT IS A NARRATIVE THAT MATTERS, however I either struggle to identify with it, or I over-identify with it and I’m afraid to walk to my car.

Evie isn’t that.

She’s perhaps the greatest Assassin in history, short of Altair or Ezio, who made the brotherhood what it is. She lives and breathes that tradition. She’s most powerful when she is unseen, and in that way, I always feel safe with her. She’s the rightful heir to the entire series, so I feel like she will always be safe.

I learned so much about how to write myself and what I wanted and what I think a lot of other women want even if it’s not part of The Discourse, through Evie Frye. She defies stereotypes about what it means to be “woman”. She’s treated no worse than Jacob by the narrative, and she’s arguably treated as the inheritor of the Assassin tradition and like her skills matter just a bit more. The narrative could do without Jacob (as much as I love him) but it couldn’t do without Evie. She’s just as powerful as he is.

That we get to see her as both a new adult and a middle aged women is extra important. The fact that she spends her later narrative hunting one of the most virulent men in history (Jack the Ripper) means a lot to me. She is most powerful in her prime, while Jacob burns out later on, and that ALSO matters a lot to me. Shitty men are afraid of her, not the other way around. There’s no narrative where she lets the think they could rape her to win; she just wins. (Again, nothing wrong with female characters who use their femininity that way, but Evie just kills those fuckers, and that’s what I need in my life of believing in self defense).

I love her. She loves her husband, she loves her brother. She’s prim and proper and perfectly tailors her outfits and knows how to strike a killing blow. Evie is about a different kind of resistance than Jacob, but she’s still about resistance. She’s the first female character I’ve seen, in literal years, who is allowed to exist beyond her own femininity. She’s just allowed to exist and be really cool. Evie also means a lot to me.

3. Leonie Barrow This song really sums up Leonie Barrow for me. /They see you as small and helpless, they see you as just a child/ Surprise when they find out that a warrior will soon run wild/. She starts out as so?? Small?? compared to the overall narrative of the Cabal books, which are steeped in angels and gods and Lovecraftian abominations from whom the very foundations of the universe were forged. She’s the Innocent Girl at first. Her femininity, her innocence, does matter, but it’s not what I thought it would be. And by the end, she’s a shotgun wielding master detective, who Cabal CANONICALLY trusts to make the same logical decisions he would.

She is willing to kill to defend her friends even if she doesn’t like it. She will stand against the darkness and be afraid but she will smile.

She’s also almost /definitely/ canonically bi at the end of the fifth book, short of the actual word being used. It’s not a plot spoiler, but it gives me life either way. She’s not the girlfriend, she’s not the Woman, she’s something else and she matters in her own way. Her potential is limitless, and I’m inspired by her every single day. People talk about Stever Rogers as their human ideal, but I guess Leonie Barrow is my comfortable alternative.

Leonie Barrow saves people by her empathy--and she’s also willing to wield a shotgun. Outside of a magical girl narrative, she and Elizabeth DeWitt are the purest versions of the ‘weaponized femininity’ narrative I can think of.

4. Elizabeth DeWitt Oh, Elizabeth. I love her. I love her fucked up history. I love her fucked up present and her implied fucked up future. I wish she had a better ending. If I ever write fic, it will be to correct what has been done to her by canon.

Elizabeth is trying to escape her fate. Her ultimate arc may be about accepting a shitty end, but I don’t think that has to be the case, since I think so much of her story is about denying her future. Like her, I will always hope and strive for something better. She’s femme and hard and powerful and will break the world and make it whole again all with one wishing <3 .

She has the power of a god and the writers/developers/designers didn’t know how to handle that in an interesting way. I love her.

5. Talia (from Arrows of the Queen) SO

When you are reading about a clinically depressed character and you think, “I IDENTIFY WITH HER SO MUCH” that’s probably a sign. So many times, Talia tried to tell me how I was feeling, and it took me a very long time to listen.

I was easily clinically depressed when I read the Arrows of the Queen books. My uncle had just died without me coming out to him. I felt like a disappointment to my mom. My bachelors degree was on fire and it wasn’t totally my fault. There was nothing about myself that I didn’t deeply despise when I read these books, nothing that I didn’t feel the world would be better without. I didn’t want to die, since I have a very particular attachment to my mortality and no matter what, I’m attached to my life for my mom, but I felt so fundamentally worthless that it still hurts to think about. I haven’t been that low since then, and I hope to never be that low again.

I was depressed and I didn’t know it. I don’t think I was truly suicidal even then, even if I was experiencing almost daily suicidal ideation. I don’t think I would have died, but I still think Talia saved my life a little bit--she at least taught me that it’s okay to acknowledge my illness and seek treatment and that it’s okay to want to be happy. I’m so deeply grateful for that I don’t even have words for it, partly because, while I think I would have survived, I wouldn’t be happy.

Talia also got to fuck the most desirable male characters in the Arrows of the Queen trilogy. Even though she was quiet and was shy and was depressed. The message was this: I could have love even if I was mentally ill. I specify ‘male’ characters because Talia was straight, and also because a part of me feels less desirable to men than women, so that fantasy means a lot to me.

Talia is me at my most vulnerable. Talia is me when I want to reach into my own chest and tear myself apart. I love her. She matters. <3

Honorable mentions:

Pearl from Steven Universe (my favorite anxious lesbian, who got a great character arc that I never expected to be validating to both the lesbian-bi women dilemma and to her mental illness. I <3 Pearl). All the women in Overwatch. Sailor Moon and her soldiers. Tamora Pierce’s heroines. Lara Croft.

Tagging @swimthroughthefires @fakeandroid @doomquasar @amandaironic @strawberrylaugh @ghostofthemotif

[andersfireball]

Dragon Age Inquisition Thoughts

So I finally completed Dragon Age Inquisition. I will admit that it took me way too long to play through this game, and I’m not going to make that mistake again! I actually fell in love with the series this time. I have another Origins and another 2 play through scheduled for a later date, after I clear out some more of my back log. I’m pretty excited for both as it’s been years since I played through Origins (I played through 2 a month ago). Anyway, I wanted to get a few opinions out on Inquisition. I put it all under a cut so you don’t have to worry about it cluttering up your timeline

I ended up doing two play throughs almost back-to -back. I ended up playing it on my boyfriend’s account because he has Origin Access and it’s free on there. When I first play a game, I go with little to no mods, just to get a feel of the game and understand the story. I went with a human mage (Sorana Trevelyan). I used Cassandra, Solas, and Varric in my party. Cassandra was my overall favorite out of the game because to me she always felt genuine and the most like a real person. I’m not sure how to explain it, but I guess it’s because she was so strong but yet had a vulnerable side that the inquisitor got tiny peeks of through the story. I also didn’t recruit Sera when I met her because she seemed abrasive and that she wouldn’t fit the Inquisition I was trying to build. I sided with mages any chance I could get. I was a little witty/sassy in responding to everyone, but I was pretty happy with everything I achieved. I was actually shocked that Solas left at the end because I considered him such a close friend through the game. Ouch.

I didn’t get a chance to experience the DLC with this character because Origin Access only has the base game, however I was able to import my save over. I ended up purchasing the Digital Deluxe version on my account so I could go with what I would consider my canon play through.

This time I went an elf mage (Alyndra Lavellan) and decided to play it as someone who was trying to preserve Dalish culture and help all elves as best as she could. This time I used Blackwall, Solas, and Sera in my party. I was actually sad that I didn’t give Sera a chance in my first play through because I really fucking loved her and how sassy/lewd she could be. I realize that there are problems with how she was written, but I love that saucy gal, and would sit on the roof and nibble stale cookies with her any day! I was also a lot kinder to Blackwall during this play through, as I felt he deserved redemption. While I missed Cassandra and Varric’s banter, I thought Sera had great chats with everyone, so I enjoyed that - especially her messing with Solas.

Now for the romances. With Sorana, I romanced Cullen. I mean, I did have a crush on him when I first saw him in Origins, DESPITE HIM BEING A TEMPLAR AT THE TIME; I’m blaming it on the voice. I actually really enjoyed how this romance slowly blossomed through the game and that I could go back to the keep and get some hugs and kisses from him whenever I felt I needed them. Though I found him to be quiet and shy at the beginning, he definitely warmed up to the inquisitor after that desk scene. Ahem. I’m also excited to play through Trespasser because I’m really looking forward to marrying him and hopefully living happily ever after.

Which brings me to my Lavellan. Yes, I picked Alyndra to specifically romance Solas because I enjoyed his company and talks throughout my first play through. It was interesting to see the differences in how each character acted. While I found Cullen to be more reserved, my first big interaction with Solas had us locking lips. I think that said a lot about his character; he’s someone who seems to reserved but on the inside he’s craving that connection? Does that even make sense? Anyway, another scene that left me shocked happened at the Winter Palace. Cullen is stressed about the entire situation, and he gets a bit snappy when you ask for a dance. On the other hand, Solas is more than ready to offer a dance to his beloved. Even though you get to dance with both in the end, I much preferred Solas’ scene. In that moment, everything was right in the world. Then we have the heartbreaking waterfall scene. I decided to keep my vallaslin, and I do feel a little regret about that. After playing through Trespasser, I don’t think he lied to hurt me. I did pick the option that I would redeem him and ended breaking up the Inquisition in the end. Honestly though, if he would have allowed it, I would have stayed there with him. I let the Dread Wolf take me… and that’s why I’m going to put his romance above Cullen’s one in my book.

If I do eventually do one more play through, I want to have a male inquisitor and have Iron Bull, Vivienne, and Cole follow me around because I feel like those are the three characters I didn’t get a chance to know good enough. I didn’t say Dorian because he was my Solas replacement in both games, and I do enjoy that cocky boy. So yea, that’s about all I have to say. Expect some screenshots soon when I get around to editing them along with a mod list.