#i finally did a new promo for myself. will i hate it later? yes but that's just bc im a gemini

[peachmusesa]

who can stop me ? i’m in a league of my own. 

featuring muses from: kuroko no basket / naruto / boruto / bungo stray dogs / tokyo revengers as well as original characters. 

[enthusiasticharry]

Swan Lake

summary: you've recently audition to be the White Swan in the Royal Ballet’s next production, only to learn that the new choreographer, Harry, will make this experience a lot more thrilling. 

author’s note: hiya! sorry the has taken so long but I've been busy with classes and only just had time to sit down and write this. this has been an idea of mine since i first saw harry’s snl promo when he was in the tutu and i'm glad i can finally share it!

word count: 10.6k words of smut, fluff and me trying to sound like i have a clue what i’m on about whilst describing ballet moves (i'm no ballerina, just a pre-warning) 

masterlist    |    asks

Even from being a small child, it had been your dream to become a dancer. You had originally gotten into dancing when you were very little, watching the different dancing programmes on the TV. You can remember like it was yesterday, the day you first watched the Royal Ballets performance of Swan Lake. You were around six, and you remember your mother flicking through the TV guide and seeing it and deciding to put it on, much to your detest at the start. But, you found yourself mesmerised as you watched the dancers flitter across the screen with such elegance and grace that you knew straight away that in the future you wanted to embody. It wasn’t the easiest occupation to get into, and it was very draining upon your body. But you loved it, and you were always going to — until you physically couldn’t anymore.

“Have you heard about the new choreographer?” Ethel, your friend asks as you walk towards the academy. You shake your head, “Apparently he’s very fit.”

“But he’s a choreographer.” You curl your nose up, “No choreographers are ever fit. They’re all old and hate the world.”

Ethel shakes her head, “This one is. He’s not too older than us either, but apparently he’s one of best Ballerino’s to ever walk out of the Royal Ballet School.”

“That’s a bold statement.” You say, pulling your bag tighter on your shoulder, “What is he choreographing?”

“The solos, I think.” Ethel adds, holding the door open as you both walk through, “He’s taking over Vernon.”

“Thank god.” You sigh, letting the door close behind you, “He was a horrible man.”

“He was.” Ethel laughs, “At least he’s someone new. We haven’t had a new choreographer in a year.”

A year ago, you and Ethel had graduated from the Royal Ballet school in London and you immediately joined the Royal Ballet. After auditions upon auditions you both had made it to the shortlist and then even made it through to the corps de ballet and were preparing for the audition for Swan Lake. You were positive that you wouldn’t get in, but you were also positive that you wouldn’t get into the school, never mind to the actual Royal Ballet.

Even though you felt like you had made it in life, you certainly hadn’t just yet. Today, you were auditioning to dance as White Swan. It was the next step into completing your dream completely. You were nervous to say the least, and you don’t think you’ve ever practiced something so much in your life.

“Are you ready for this?” Ethel asks as you walk into the back room, where there were quite a few other people who were obviously auditioning for other solos within the ballet.

You sigh, sitting down on the floor and starting to tie your pointe shoes, “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“You’ll smash it.” She smiles.

“I certainly hoped so.”

You were third to go, which wasn’t too bad. You certainly didn’t want to go first but you didn’t want to go last either. You were nervous, but you felt as though you dealt with it well and floated across the dance floor. You hated to say it, but you did find yourself being distracted quite a bit by the new man in the room, sat at the end of the table with a notebook and pen, watching intently as you dance and making certain notes. None of the choreographers made any hints that you were doing anything good, or not so good for that matter.

“Thank you.” The man said, his voice as soft as silk, “We’ll get to you shortly.”

A week later you were making your way to the notice board, where the solo and cast list were being posted. Ethel was in a rehearsal, so she wasn’t able to come with you and you found yourself being even more nervous due to being on your own.

You hung back and watched as other people rushed towards the list. You had just finished a pointe class, and your muscles were aching and you didn’t feel quite like making a huge scene trying to see the list. You watched as some people had very happy faces, and other had quite disappointed ones.

The group had dispersed quite a while ago, but you still found yourself stood in the corner. You had even started to pretend to scroll through your phone to distract yourself from actually going up to look at what it says on the sheet.

“I don’t think you can see the list from back here.”

You eyes flick up to the voice that startled you from your scroll. The man, who you had since the audition had learnt was called Harry Styles, stood across from you with one corner of his lips curled up.

“I was, uh.” You tuck a piece of your hair behind your ear, “I was psyching myself up to look.”

“I’d go look if I was you.”

You nod your head and walk up the sheet, flicking your eyes down until your saw ‘White Swan’. What surprised you even more was the sight of your name in the column next to it. You eyes widen and you turn to look at Harry, who’s stood leant against the wall next to you. He smiles at you, nodding your head as you look at him with a confused look upon your face.

“Me?”

“Yes.” He nods, “You.”

“I got it?” You’re in complete shock, “Me?”

“You did. You earned it. You have one of the best form’s I’ve ever seen in my life. It was an unanimous decision, and you were the certain choice.”

“Wow.” You smile, “Thank you.”

“It’s really no problem.” You watch as he turns slightly to walk away, “Don’t let us down, though.”

You really hoped you wouldn’t. You hadn’t worked harder for something in your entire life, and he was mistaken if he thought it would be the same for this. It was your dream, plain and simple. It was hard to have a dream that lasted only the first thirty years or so of your life. If you were only going to get a limited amount of time to do this, you were going to make the most of it and you had made your first step by doing this.

“I won’t.” You nod your head, “I promise.”

“Good.” And with that, he’s gone.

The first day of rehearsals came quicker than you expected, but you had spent every minute of every day thinking about this day. Ethel had landed a role in the corps de ballet which she was proud of, and you were proud of her for doing so too. It meant that you both were going to be in the performance and go to all the main rehearsals for the group dances. Ethel wouldn’t have to come to the solo rehearsals, which was understandable, but at least you still had the time together now.

“Have I told you how much I really love that leotard?” She says as you shrug your coat off, revealing your black leotard which you’ve paired with a blush pink jumper that falls off your shoulder to match your pointe shoes.

“It’s just a simple black leotard.” You shrug, “It’s nothing special. I think I got it on sale.”

“You style it well, though.”

You sit on the bench and lift your feet up, slipping your toes into your pointe shoes. They weren’t comfortable, that’s a given, but you were used to it by now. You went to your first ballet class at seven years old, and you were now twenty-three. Sixteen years of wearing these shoes frequently meant that your feet had gotten very used to feeling.

“Thank you, Ethel.” You smile, grabbing your water bottle and following her as she walks out of the door and towards the training room.

“Do you think Harry will be here?” She asks, tucking some of her hair behind her ear.

You shrug, “I don’t know. Possibly. He does solos so he isn’t technically required to be here.”

“He does. It’s the first rehearsal, though. He may want to at least show his face to the rest of us.”

You laugh, “You just want to see his face, Ethel.”

“Maybe I do.” She doesn’t even hide the blush on her cheeks.

In the training room, groups of dancers stand together either stretching or talking. It’s important to stretch and warm up before anything you do, so you and Ethel find a spare spot by the bar and start to stretch your muscles. You stretch every morning quite intensely, warming your muscles up for the day just because you know that you won’t get a lot of time to do so when you arrive at rehearsals and they even ask you to do so before you come so it works better. It’s nice to just refresh your muscles when you arrive, though.

“Can I have everyone’s attention?” Holland, the main choreographer says as her and a few other people walk into the room, “Welcome all to this years production of Swan Lake.”

A chorus of claps circle around the room, smiles all around as everyone congratulates each other on getting a part. It was very hard to get into productions like these, so you weren’t surprised that you were around the best of the best.

“I’m Holland, I’m pretty sure all of you know me but I’d like to introduce you all to the rest of the team.” She motions to the people behind her, “Isabella is in charge of Pas de deux this year and Harry is in charge of Solo’s, more specifically the Black and White swan’s solos.”

You immediately feel your heats cheek up, knowing that you and whoever is playing the Black swan will be spending time with him. You couldn’t lie and say that he wasn’t a handsome man, because he certainly was, but he was your choreographer and he spoke to you in a tone the other day that you couldn’t quite pinpoint but you knew that you weren’t too keen of.

“Today we’re taking it easy, and just introducing some of the group dances. Can both the White and Black swans see Harry, please?”

You freeze with your eyes upon the floor, not wanting to look up.

“That’s you.” Ethel nudges your shoulders.

You nod and stand up, walking towards the corner of the room where Harry stands as well as another girl who you know is called Frances, from being in a few of your classes during school. You smile as you walk over, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. Behind you, everyones already stood and following what Holland is saying.

“Hope you don’t mind.” He smiles, “But I just want to discuss some things with the two of you before proper rehearsals start.”

You both follow him out of the large training room into one of the smaller practice rooms that people can you use whenever they want. You find yourself lagging behind as you walk, the feeling of nerves bubbling within you. You have had one solo before in your life, but it certainly wasn’t as important as this one, and you felt yourself getting more and more worried with every second.

“It’s important that the two of you know that I’m your main choreographer, but also that you’re in the group sessions when they’re on.” You both nod, “There aren’t a lot, because even in the group dances you have a lot of solos so you are with me a lot more than in there.”

“That’s why we got these parts though, right?” Frances says, a smile across her lips that you can just tell isn’t a sweet one.

“Not really.” He tilts his head to the side, “You got these parts because we think that you’re able to make the role yours and work hard for it. We can take it away just as easy as we’ve given them you.”

You nod your head and Frances does too, but there’s a little huff that escapes her lips as she does so.

“Our rehearsals start tomorrow, with the White swan, and they’re all going to be in this room.” You nod, but you don’t take any notice of what Fran does, but you guess she nods too, “Just so you know, I don’t appreciate lateness or laziness whilst in the rehearsal.”

“Understood.” You smile, tucking a piece of your hair behind your head.

“Good.” He nods, “You can both return to the main group.”

The next day you find yourself walking into the studio ten minutes before the rehearsal is set to start. The door is open when you walk in, but no one is in which your thankful for. You place your bag down in the corner and start to put your pointe shoes on.

“Morning.” You jump out of your skin at the sound of Harry’s voice walking into the room, “Didn’t mean to make jump.”

“It’s okay.” You chuckle, “I was in my own world and wasn’t paying attention.

He smiles and drops his bag in the corner next to yours. He walks closer to where you’re stood and leans against the bar.

“Have you stretched?” He asks, shrugging off his hoodie. You try not to stare at his physique, but it’s hard not to. Especially when you notice the tattoos that you can see across his arms and his check and stomach underneath the white wife-beater he had on. He also had one some joggers, but you knew it wouldn’t make the best first impression if you continued to stare at him.

“Before I left.” You say, “Not since I got here.”

“We can stretch together.” He says, “Do you use the bar.”

You nod and stand up, smoothing down the wispy bits of your hair that had escaped your bun. You pull your jumper up on your shoulder also, due to the material slipping off everyone once in a while. Your eyes drift to watch as he starts to stretch, using the bar to stretch his peculiarly long limbs. Average male ballet dancers that you’d met in your life hadn’t been as tall as he was, but he had a sort of elegance to him even when he was only stretching that his long limbs only extenuated.

“Have you been dancing long?” You certainly hadn’t expected him to be making small talk with you, but here he was.

You nod, “Since I was seven. Have you?”

“I was ten.” He says and your eyes widen, “I was quite late, to be honest.”

That was quite late, you had to agree with him. Most ballet dancers that you met within your life started even earlier than you, and a lot of them were surprised that you’d started so late but were so successful. Talent comes in any shape or form, and even though he did start quite late, if he was as talented as people made him out to be, then you weren’t surprised that he was as successful as he was starting quite late.

“Did you dance before then?”

“I did.” He nods, “I did tap for a few years before I decided that it wasn’t for me, and then I started ballet lessons.”

You smile and continue to stretch, lifting your leg up to the bar to stretch as far as you can. You can feel your muscles starting to relax as you do so, and you know you’re warmed up.

“Are you ready?” You nod and make your way to stand behind him, at the side slightly so you could see both yourself and Harry in the mirror. You were nervous, to say the least, but you had a slight suspicion that Harry was going to try and make you feel as comfortable as possible.

“We’re going to take it easy.” He says, “Well, as easy as it can be with this show.”

You chuckle and watch as he starts to teach you your solo. You wondered how many times he’d watched the previous performances of the ballet to know the solo as well as he did. You got through the first quarter of the dance or so. It was very quick, and it was basically going through al of the steps and seeing where you needed to focus your practice.

By the end of the rehearsal, you were sweating and you knew that you didn’t look the best just from looking at yourself in the mirror. The dance was one of the hardest you’ve ever done in your life but you knew that was how it was going to be. It was intense, and Harry was certainly right when he said that he knew you’d be able to do it but you needed to put in the hard work. One of the hardest things you found yourself having to do was stopping yourself from getting distracted at the sight of him.

Every time he moved, the muscles within his arms contracted. You didn’t want to stare at him, but you physically couldn’t stop yourself. You wondered if he could tell, or if he was staring at you. More than once during the rehearsal your jumper slipped from your shoulder, dangerously close to revealing your chest and you swear that you saw his eyes drifting at some points but you would never say anything.

“You’ve done well.” He nods, taking a quite a large gulp of water from his bottle, “I knew there was a reason why we’d chosen you, and that certainly was it” 

“There are plenty of other dancers that will have been just as good, maybe even better, I’m sure.” You say, placing your hands upon your hips as you try to catch your breath from the jeté’s you had just been doing.

He chuckles, walking over to you and placing his hand on your shoulder, “Have a little more faith in yourself. Not many people will be able to do what you’ve just done.”

You hate to say it, but you do feel fuzzy inside at his words. Flutters fill your belly and you can feel your cheeks heat up. He can see it as well, you’re absolutely sure of it and you nearly faint. The feeling of his fingers upon your skin leaves it heated for quite a while, long after he’d taken his hand off, and way after you’d left the room.

He was your new choreographer, but you couldn’t help but feel as this was the start of something else.

You had been in the practice room for an hour or so.

The group rehearsal had finished an hour ago, and you had planned to go into a practice room to spend a little extra time going over the new moves that Harry had added a day ago at their second rehearsal. The new steps weren’t too bad, but the order they fell in you just couldn’t pick up. You practiced it over and over again but you still couldn’t get it right. You found yourself becoming more and more annoyed with yourself that you couldn’t do it.

You started to do it again, starting with the jeté before moving to the pirouette but you found yourself loosing your balance yet again.

“You need to keep your core straight.”

You jump out of your skin, placing your hand upon your chest as you turn to look at the culprit. It’s Harry, and you aren’t surprised to say the least. He has a tendency of jumping out at you when you least expect it.

“You should wear a bell.” You say, standing up and and walking towards his body, which is leant against the wall with his hands in his pockets. He was wearing actual trousers today, and you were wondering if that’s why he wasn’t in the group rehearsal earlier.

“I’ll announce myself next time, I promise.” He laughs, walking towards you. His shoes tap upon the floor as he moves towards you, “Your movements aren’t flowing because your core isn’t strong, and you’re letting your body go dizzy.”

He walks towards you, holding his hands out before retracting them.

“Is it okay if I touch you?” He asks, and you nod, allowing his hands to fall one upon your back and the other upon your stomach. He pushes your stomach in, straightening your back as he does so. You find yourself struggling to breath slightly, but once you do you catch up quickly, “Try again like this.”

“Okay.”

You stay as upright as you can, keeping your core straight as you move. Somehow, you manage to do the sequence without falling over. You sigh in relief and drop down to the floor once you’ve done it. He stands and nods his head, watching as you take a sip of your water.

“See.” He nods his head, “I knew you could do it.”

“Thank you.” You smile, “I knew I could too, I think I was just becoming lazy because I’m tired.”

“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Go home, take a break.” You start to unfasten your pointe shoes, sighing in relief as your toes separate after being in the shoes for way too long, “How long have you been in here?”

“An hour or so.” You shake your head, “I just wanted to get it right.”

“I bet it was right before.” He says, opening the door for you to slip through once you’ve put your proper shoes on and gathered your things, “Your body is just tired, that’s why your form was off. You usually have a great core.”

He had been looking at your. . . core? You felt your cheeks heat up, and you tired your hardest to not to let him see it but it was quite hard under the spotlights of the hallway.

“Thank you, but it really wasn’t. That was the first time I’ve done it properly.”

He turns to you with a grin, “We’ll just to have to agree to disagree, won’t we?”

You can’t stop the blush that rises upon your cheeks at his words, but more so at his grin. It’s cheeky and boyish and sort of flirty. He couldn’t have been flirting with you, but a part of you prayed that he was.

“Have a good night.” He smiles at you, “Sleep and don’t worry about the dance.” 

“I’ll try.”

“One. . . two. . . three. . . four—”

His counting has been ringing through your ears since your arrived at the rehearsal an hour ago. You couldn’t tell whether there was something wrong with him, or whether you had done something wrong for him to be in such a mood.

You had managed to ignore the fact that he completely ignored you once you’d walked in, and focused more on showing him that since you last saw him, you had mastered the sequence you were struggling with completely.

Everyone has bad days, you knew that, but it’s hard to learn a dance when your teacher is so stoic that you can’t tell whether or not you’re doing the moves right. His eyebrows have been furrowed since you walked through the door, and the clicks of his fingers were so loud that you can’t help but wonder whether or not they have blistered.

You manage to perform the sequence of steps, from start to about half way which you’ve managed to learn in the two weeks that you’ve been learning the steps. It’s nice to know that you’re able to do it, no matter how much you’ve struggled and that it’s been hard work, you’ve done it.

“We’re moving onto the pirouettes next.” He says, standing with his hands upon his hips as he does so. The harsh look upon his face doesn’t leave, and you truly wonder what had happened for him to be this way with you.

It’s making you feel as though every step you make isn’t right, when you know in fact that it is.

“The what?” You are struggling to catch your breath, after non-stop dancing for an hour can’t believe that he wants to do the pirouettes with you.

“Pirouettes.” He stands facing you, instead of you looking at him through the mirror and you wonder what you’re going to do, “Do as many as you can until the music drops.”

You weren’t quite sure what he was asking of you. You furrow your eyebrows, but Harry just stares at you. He looks at you as if to say why aren’t you doing it yet, so you decide you’re better off just starting the pirouettes.

You start, lifting your body into fourth position with both legs straight. You fix your eyes onto a spot where the mirrors meet. After taking a breath, you bend both legs into a deep pilé, concentrating on sinking your heels into the wooden floor so you could push into the spin. You focus your core, keeping it tight. You spring to a retiré position, before relevé to a full pointe with your back foot to your front leg. You hold your body in the position spin, flicking your head quickly so that you can focus yet again on the gap in the mirror. Once you’ve completed one, you continue to go round and round, trying to ignore the aching within your bones and the throbbing within your head.

You manage eight before you loose your balance and drop to the ground, immediately sitting with your head in between your legs. 

“Have a break, and then we’ll start again.” 

You sigh and shake your head, “I can’t do it.” 

“What do you mean?” Harry says, furrowing his eyebrows, “Of course you can.” 

“I can’t do it.” 

“You’ve done eight.” He shrugs, “You can do more.” 

“I’ll be able to.” You say, “But I can’t do them now.” 

If you honest, you hadn’t woken up feeling the best this morning. You often get headaches that throughout the course of the day transition into migraines. You had felt it coming on at the start of the day, and you knew with how much you had to do you couldn’t pull out of the rehearsal but at this point you were seriously considering it. The pirouettes seriously hadn’t helped with the throbbing within your head and you had started to feel quite nauseous. 

“If you have that attitude then you certainly won’t be able to, and it’s probably best that you leave.” 

You’re completely taken aback, unable to believe that the man who has been nothing but nice to you throughout this whole thing had just said something so horrid to you. You were mortified and if you hadn’t felt sick before, you certainly did now. 

“You know what.” You stand up, “I think that’s a good idea.” 

You leave the room and don’t look back. 

The next rehearsal, thankfully, was a group one. You and Ethel had made your way to the training room bright and early, ready for what the day was going to hold. You hadn’t told Ethel about what happened earlier in the week with Harry. It would have been nice to talk to someone about it but you knew that you shouldn’t, so you didn’t. It was, however, the thing that fluttered around in your brain on a loop. Doing everyday mundane things you found yourself distracted. Instead of being upset or angry anymore, you were concerned, and you just hoped that he was okay mainly. 

The two of you had stretched yourselves pretty quickly, leaving you stood in the right corner of the room waiting for it to start. You couldn’t help but wonder whether or not Harry was going to be in the rehearsal today. He normally was, but after the last one, you had no idea what was going to happen. A part of you wished to see him, and the other part of you didn’t. It was as though you had a devil and angel on your shoulder, bickering between the options of whether or not you wanted to see his face. 

In the back of your mind you knew that this man was your choreographer. You knew that traditionally that you shouldn’t be feeling this way about him, since he had the same role as a teacher would, but you really couldn’t help it. It didn’t help that he was one of the prettiest people you had ever seen in your life — and one of the nicest apart from the last time you saw him — but the was besides the point. You were an adult, and you were allowed to have these feelings, even though you were positively sure that they aren’t reciprocated. 

Both Holland and Isabella walk into the room, but there is no sign of Harry. You try to ignore the disappointment that sits in the pit of your stomach but you can’t. 

You should be angry at the man, livid even, that he said such a thing to you but you really weren’t. That was your own fault, but that didn’t mean that all would be forgotten from that day. You were at least expecting an apology the next time you saw him. 

“Everyone get into positions for the start of the second half.” Holland calls and everyone moves from their groups into positions. 

You weren’t on the stage at the start, so you move to the corner of the room by the door and watch everyone else. You try your hardest not to let your mind wander, but you can’t help it. Your thumb is running back and forth over your bottom lip, furrowing your eyebrows as you did so. 

“If you furrow your eyebrows anymore your face is going to stay like that.” 

You don’t even jump at the sound of his voice. Your heart does start to beat a little faster, since your certainly weren’t expecting him to be so close to you, but you wouldn’t tell anybody that. 

“Was starting to think you just hated me.” 

“Could never hate you.” He shakes his head, “You’re too good of a dancer for me to ever hate you.” 

You have to physically stop yourself from rolling your eyes at him. You manage to, but before either one of you could say anything else, you see your cue and you’re out on the floor. 

You try to ignore his stare as you move around the room, remembering the choreography you had learnt whilst also trying to be as elegant and strong as you physically could be. You remembered to keep your core straight, and if you weren’t mistaken by the few times you looked over at him, Harry’s eyes hadn’t left you.

You were unsure whether it was something your were flattered about, or whether you were slightly concerned about it. You weren’t too concerned, but you found yourself wondering why he was doing this. The last time he saw you he told you to leave, and now he couldn’t get his eyes off of you. 

Once the dance had finished, and you had your lips around your water bottle that you were taking a sip from, you swear you saw Harry’s head flick towards the door. You furrow your eyebrows and lift you finger up, pointing at yourself as if to ask whether he was looking at you. 

He nods his head and walks out of the door, leaving you confused but walking towards him and consequently out of the room. You bite the lid of your bottle as you do so. You knew exactly where he was, and the second you walked into the room you saw him stood in the middle of it with an almost defeated look upon his face. 

“I’m sorry.” 

You swear your heart almost bursts out of your chest. 

You nod your head, “Okay.” 

“I was a dick.” You nod again, “And you didn’t deserve it at all. I shouldn’t have asked you to leave and I should’ve asked if you were okay the second you dropped to the floor. I’m sorry, I really am.” 

“I accept your apology, I do.” He seems to sigh with relief, “But! You have to be extra nice to me next rehearsal. If I want a break, I want a break.” 

He chuckles, “You can have as many breaks as you like.” 

“Good.” 

To say rehearsals have been different since Harry apologised to you would be an understatement. You found yourself enjoying them, no matter how hard you had to work, and you looked forward to them in your week.

You believe it might have been because of the change in relationship between the two of you. It was much nicer, and also a little flirtier. You had noticed Harry coming over to help you by touching you more, he was forever smirking and winking at you and some of the things he said completely turned you to putty in his arms. 

You’d like to think he’d noticed, but you really couldn’t be sure. 

“Dress rehearsals start next week.” He says as you take a break, sipping on some water whilst holding a banana in your other hand, “Are you nervous?”

You shrug, “A little bit. I know I’ve worked hard but there are still a lot of things that could go wrong.” 

“I disagree.” You throw him a quizzical look, “I agree that you work hard because you’re one of the most hardworking people I’ve ever met. I don’t agree that a lot of things could go wrong because that just isn’t true — one thing could.” 

You knew what he was talking about. 

You drop back so you’re laid on the group, “The pirouettes.” 

“The pirouettes.” He nods and stands up, so you sit up, “I know you can do it, you just need to believe in yourself.” 

You sigh, “Can you just do the pirouettes for me?” 

“Yeah.” He laughs, “Like the audience wouldn’t notice you slipping off and a six-foot man taking your place to do some spins.” 

“I’m sure they’d be highly entertained.” 

“I’m sure we’d have thousands of complaints to deal with.” 

You laugh and he joins in. You finish your banana and stand up, tucking some of the hair that had fallen out of your bun back before moving to the middle of the room. 

“I don’t think I’ll be able to do it.” 

“I do.” Harry nods, crossing his arms over his chest, “Focus on your spot and never take your eyes off it, remember your core and remember to bounce yourself. The higher bounce you get at the start, the more you’ll be able to spin.” 

You’re unsure how it happened, but after listening to Harry’s words you manage to complete almost twenty pirouettes. The most that had taken place during the small amount of time in a performance had been thirty-two, and to say that you’d never done more than ten in your life before meant that you were pretty proud of yourself. 

“See.” He says smugly, “I knew you could do it.” 

You watch as he walks towards you, shoving this hand into the pocket of his jogging bottoms. You weren’t one to necessarily like people who are so in-your-face smug but there was something different about the way Harry said things. He didn’t say them maliciously, or to make himself feel better but to just tease you slightly. He was close to you, and you resisted the urge to let out a little squeak of nervousness. 

“Are you going to start believing in yourself?” 

“Hmm.” You ponder, “I might have to be reminded again, and again.” 

It all happened quickly, but before you could process anything happening, Harry’s lips were on yours. 

He kissed you. You felt his lips upon yours, his hand immediately reaching to rest upon her cheek. The nervous squeak you held in escaped your lips as he did so, but he masked it with him. You gripped the material of his wife-beater, bunching it up at his stomach as you pulled him towards you. Your lips parted once you’d felt his tongue dance upon your lips, allowing it to slip through them. You were shocked, but you never wanted it to end. 

It did end though, like all good things do. He pulled away from you and you felt even more out of breath than if you had just performed your solo. You looked at him with wide eyes and lifted your fingers to run over your swollen lips, 

“Did that remind you?” 

Dress rehearsals had started, but all you could find yourself thinking about was Harry’s lips on yours. 

You stood backstage at the Royal Opera House, looking at yourself within the mirror as you ran your hand over your costume. It was white, and completely gorgeous. The tutu fluttered out gems and sparkles fluttered along the bodice with a hugged your curves perfectly. You had the head piece on as well, but you hadn’t done your makeup. It was the first time you’d seen the costume upon your body, and you were in love with it. 

“You proper look like the white swan now.” Ethel smiles, placing her hand upon your shoulder, squeezing slightly, “You look gorgeous.” 

“Thank you.” You turn to look at her, and the costume she had on and you gasp, “And look at you!  Absolutely beautiful!” 

The two of you giggle and walk towards the main stage where everyone was collected. You stood to the side with Ethel, even though she’s quickly scooped away by some of her friends. You stand and done move, going over the moves of your solo in your head just to make sure you knew what you were doing. 

Holland calls you all to start soon. It wasn’t the first time that you’d ran the performance all the way through, but it was the first time that you’d done it in your costume. 

You manage to make it through the first half of the performance without any malfunctions from yourself, but you can’t say the same for everyone else. It was around half way through the third section of dance or so when you noticed Harry sat on the front row, his eyes never leaving you as you dance around the stage. When your first section of solo dance came up, you saw Harry’s eyes furrowing as you danced. You couldn’t watch him throughout the entire thing, but you wouldn’t be surprised if he never looked away from you. 

During the interval, you go backstage and make your way towards a bathroom. As you make your way closer, you try to find the fasten of your tutu so that you can quickly pull it off. What you hadn’t expected as you down the hall and towards the bathroom was to be pulled into one of the rooms you pass.

You squeal as you feel the hand around your arm, but once you’re in the room, you’re silenced by someone’s lips upon yours. 

You can tell that it’s Harry immediately. You can tell not only from his lips upon yours, but also from his hand that he places upon your cheek. You feel the coolness of his ring, and the slight itch from his stubble, but you really aren’t complaining. You lift your hand to the back of his neck, slipping your fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. 

His fingers run across your thighs, being light so that he doesn’t rip the thin material. After a minute or so, you pull away, turning your head so that his drops upon your shoulder whilst you catch you breath.” 

“Harry?” He hums against your neck, placing a small kiss there, “I really need a wee.” 

He laughs and stands up, pecking your lips once more. You smile into the kiss and it seems to only grow afterwards. 

“Well you better go and have one.” He chuckles and you nod, “But I’ll only let you go if your promise me something.” 

“What?” 

“You’ll wait for me afterwards?” 

“After what? My wee, because I have to back on stage after—”

“No.” He chuckles, “Not after you’ve had your wee, but after you’ve finished tonight. I want to take you somewhere.” 

“Sounding very stalker-ish of you, Styles.” She furrows her eyebrows, “But I’ll wait for you.” 

The second half, and your solo goes okay. You managed to do sixteen pirouettes but your brain was in overdrive, thinking of everywhere that Harry could be taking you. Once you all finished, you couldn’t help but rush to get changed and ready to leave. You hadn’t borough the nicest of clothes, only some jeans and a jumper since the air had started to get quite a lot cooler now that autumn had shown its face. 

“You ready?” He asks once you’ve walked out of the theatre and find him stood by the wall next to the door. 

You nod and follow him. The two of you don’t talk, but his hand does slip into yours as you walk. He’s very smooth in the way that he does it, slipping his hand into yours as you walked across the busy London road. Your cheeks heated as he did so, and you couldn’t help the small smile that planted across your lips. 

You knew that you shouldn’t feel this way about someone who was like a teacher for you, and you knew at some point that the two of you would have to speak about what this even was but at this point you were just happy. 

You certainly hadn’t expected to end up at a cinema, but here you were. Harry scanned the two tickets he already conveniently already had. The tickets were halfway up in the cinema, where you normally enjoyed sitting but you certainly had never told Harry this. 

“If you wanted to see a movie with me, you should’ve just asked.” You whisper to Harry as you both sit down, “You didn’t have to basically kidnap me into a storage room and shove your tongue down my throat.” 

“I didn’t hear you complaining about my tongue down your throat.” He says, and you can almost hear the smirk upon his lips, “Just watch, you’ll understand why I brought you here in a second.” 

You did understand. The recording was from 2015, one that you hadn’t seem before which was surprising because you’re absolutely certain that you’d watched the majority of them. You wonder if this was one that you hadn’t been able to find before, to nitpick every single movement that the white swan made. 

Harry’s hand sat tightly in yours as you watched, never moving throughout the entire performance. 

Once it had finished, you found yourself sat in an Italian restaurant that was next to the cinema, the both of you having ordered pasta and having large glasses of red wine to wash it down. 

“Why did you bring me to see that?” 

Harry smiles, placing his glass down that he had just taken a sip from, “It’s my favourite performance, so far, of Swan Lake. I didn’t know whether you’d already seen it, and you’re probably fed up of it but I thought you needed to see it.” 

You shake your head, “I hadn’t seen it.” 

“You remind me of her.” He smiles, “Giovanna, who was the White Swan. She was a few years older than me, and I met her getting lost in the school.” 

“You knew her?” 

He nods, “We were best friends, for a few years, and she taught me everything I know about how to be the best ballerino I could be. I was there when she was got the part, and I used to watch her practice.” 

“That’s how you know the solo so well.” 

He nods, “She believed she couldn’t do it. I can’t count the amount of times she said that she couldn’t do it. She hardly slept because of it. They recorded that opening night, and it took me sitting her down and showing her that for her to believe that she could do it.” 

He’s interrupted by the waitress coming with their pasta, which they smile in thanks at. 

“Thank you.” He nods his head at the waitress, “I’m more involved with you as the White Swan, and I swore to never let anyone who I worked with whether it be on this production or not, feel like Giovanna did.” 

“How could you tell?” 

“You always look as though you’re battling with yourself within your head.” He says, “You need to know that when you’re on that stage, and it’ll be even more like this when you believe yourself, you are elegant and you look absolutely beautiful.” 

If you weren’t in public, and if you didn’t have a mouthful of tomato pasta in your mouth, you probably would’ve cried at his words. You couldn’t believe how much this man actually cared about you and how you were doing. 

“Are you still friends with her?” 

“No.” He shakes his head, “She left a few years ago, didn’t tell me where she was going or why she was doing it. I haven’t heard from her since.” 

You drop your head, “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” He shakes his head, “You’re the new swan in my life, and between the two of us, I much prefer you.” 

“Do you think people are going to mind?” You ask, moving your pasta around on your plate, not daring to look up at him, “You’re like my teacher, and we don’t exactly have one of the more conventional relationships.” 

“I don’t care.” He shakes his head, “And you shouldn’t either, swan.” 

The day of the first performance was here, and you were absolutely dreading it. 

“Ethel.” You shake your head, “I really can’t do this.” 

“Oh shut up.” She places her hands upon your shoulders as you look at yourself in the mirror, sighing as you made sure your wispy pieces of your hair were down, “You’re going to be fine. You’re only worried about the pirouettes and you managed twenty-two yesterday.” 

“It’s not thirty-two though.” You shake your head, “It isn’t good enough.” 

Yesterday it was your last run through of the solo with Harry in the practice room. Even though the relationship between the two had shifted dramatically since their first rehearsal, and yesterday it almost felt as though you were back in with that Harry. 

The flirty banter that the two had adopted wasn’t there, and you were both focused on getting it right. It was the first time that you had managed to do more than twenty pirouettes, which had been your best, but it was now twenty-two. You had sighed in relief and finished your solo dance with a smile upon your face. 

“You’ll be fine.” Ethel smiles, “You’ve got nothing to worry about, you’ll go out there and smash it. I have to go and do my makeup, but I’ll see you during the interval — I promise.” 

You nod, accept her hug and sigh yet again at yourself in the mirror. You hadn’t felt this nervous in a long time, not even when you auditioned for the ballet school, or even when you auditioned for the part of the white swan. In every other aspect of your life, you were confident. In your dancing, that’s when you found yourself spiralling in the most. 

“Hey white swan.” You can’t help but smile at the sound of Harry’s voice behind you, your body immediately turning around to look at him. 

You don’t want to seem shocked, but the sight of him all dressed up causes your heart to beat quickly within your chest. You hadn’t seen him dressed up in this way before, a blue button up upon his body, as well as yellow trousers and a grey jacket. His hair framed his face in such a way that you couldn’t help but press your thighs together. You very much liked Harry’s practice outfits that show off his strong body, but there was something else about seeing him dressed in such a way that you liked even more. 

“Hi.” You laugh, standing up to wrap your arms around him. It’s an awkward hug, with the two of you trying to navigate your way around your tutu, “You look fancy.” 

“And you look gorgeous.” He pulled away from you and leant back against the wall, whilst you leant against the chair you were just sat on, “Ethel saw me on the way in.” 

You laugh, “What did she say?” 

“That you’re spiralling again.” He laughs, “I thought we’d spoken about this.” 

“I know.” You nod your head, “I’m just scared about the pir—”

“—If you dare say pirouettes!” 

You laugh as he interrupts your words, “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” He shakes his head, “You know that you can do it, and I believe in you. You’re going to smash this and I’m going to be front row cheering your on.” 

Without a single hesitation, you cast your eyes around the room in hopes to see nobody there, which there isn’t, and you throw your arms around his neck and place your lips upon his. He smiles into the kiss, and you do too, but you quickly pull away because you know that anybody could walk in at any moment. 

Harry flutters his eyes over at the clock, “It’s time, white swan. I’ll be here afterwards.” 

In your first performance of Swan Lake, you manage twenty-six pirouettes. It’s the most you’ve ever done, and once you’ve done it, you find yourself finishing the entire performance in higher spirits than when you started it. 

Somehow, you were finishing the day of your first performance with your thighs wrapped around Harry’s waist as he presses you up against the door of your flat. He had offered to walk you home, and the flirty way the two of you had become accustomed to felt a change as you walked home. You felt as though there was a magnet pulling you together and the closer you got to your flat, the closer you felt towards each other. 

You suspect that was why you were now pressed up against your door. 

“I’m so fucking proud of you.” Harry murmurs against your lips, and you smile against them. 

With him holding you up by your thighs, and with your half arsed directions, you both make your way towards your bedroom. Harry places you down upon your bed, his fingers grasping the jumper upon your skin. You pull away slightly and he pulls it above your head, exposing your chest to him. He leans down to press another kiss to your lips, moving down to your neck. He litters kisses down your cheeks, and your neck until he’s upon your chest. You hadn’t worn a bra with your jumper, so you’re completely exposed to him. 

The next movement he makes is to wrap his lips around one of your nipples, swirling his tongue around one of your budding nipples, using his thumb to tweak the other. Your hips are involuntarily bucking towards his. 

“Fuck, Harry.” You sigh, smiling down at his head as he kisses down your stomach until he reaches the band of your jogging bottoms. 

He stops his movements and rests his head upon your stomach, “What do you want?” 

“Want you to lick me.” He smiles at your words, and hooks his fingers into the band of your jogging bottoms, pulling them as well your underwear down your legs. 

He placed a litter of kisses across the inside of your thighs, teasing you until you can help but lift your hips up to him. 

“Are you this wet all for me, baby?” He questions, running his thumb across your clothed clit, “Got yourself all messy for me.” 

“You have a way with words.” You grin, reaching forward to run your fingers through his hair, “And a way with your mouth.” 

“You don’t need to flatter me anymore, I’m already in your bed.” He pecks your pubic bone, “But my ego really appreciates it.” 

“Your narcissistic side is showing.” 

“What did you expect?” He runs his fingers across your pubic bone, “You’re so fucking ready for me. All wet and ready for me to have a taste.” 

He starts with small kitten licks that have you withering across your duvet, small whines leaving your lips. He wraps his lips around your clit, mixing between nibbling and licking. 

You moan, lifting your back up off of the bed, “Can I use my fingers, baby?” 

“Please.” You nod, watching as he lifting his fingers up to your mouth, pushing them through your parted lips so you could swivel your tongue around them, wetting them to make them easier for him to push into you. He pushes his index finger in, rhythmically moving it in and out whilst also licking and flicking your clit with his tongue. Each thing his does coaxes you closer and closer to your orgasm, the way he skilfully uses his tongue sending moans spilling out of your lips.

“Don’t stop!” Harry drops his hand to your stomach, pushing down so that you aren’t moving you hips as he brings you closer to your peak, “M’gonna come.” 

“Come for me, baby.” He murmurs against you, flicking his tongue quickly. 

You can feel your stomach tightening as he moves quickly, the feeling causing your toes to curl as he does so. 

“Fuck.” He uses his fingers and his tongue to coax you through your orgasm. 

You honestly couldn’t believe that you had waited this long to have him touch you. Moans spill out of your lips as you reach your high, the euphoric feeling spreading over your entire body. 

Harry kisses your clit one last time, kissing up your stomach and around your breasts, up until he wrapped his lips around your nipple. He allowed you to recover and calm your breathing whilst he kissed up your body. 

“Good?” 

You hum, a small giggle escaping your lips, “Fucking amazing.” 

“I’m glad your enjoyed it.” He laughed, leaning down to place a kiss to your lips. 

Feeling as though you had recovered from your orgasm, you start to unbutton his trousers. He grins against your lips as you slip your hand beneath the band of his boxers, wrapping your fingers around his length. 

“I want you to fuck me.” You whisper against his lips, the corners of yours curling up. 

“Yeah.” He grins, “Have you got any condoms?” 

You were glad at this point that you’d picked some up during your daily shop. Not that you had expected anything, but it was always good to be prepared. 

“Yeah.” You nod, “In the bedside table.” 

He stands up from the bed and unbuttons his shirt, pushing it off his shoulders and he makes his way towards the drawer. You eyes never leave his body, watching as his ever muscle flexes. He opens the drawer and drops his hand in, and if you weren’t already flushed, you certainly would be from what he pulls out. 

“What’s this?” He holds up the small vibrator that you had bought a few years ago to relive some of your tension every once in a while. 

“God.” You drop back upon the bed, your head rested on the pillow as your bring your hand to your forehead, “Just something I use to relive some of the tension in me every once in a while.”  

“The tension?” He raises his eyebrow, “When was the last time you used it?” 

You shrug, “Ages ago. I think it was after the first dress rehearsal.” 

“That long ago? We’ll have to change that.” He turns the little machine on to its first setting, holding it as it vibrates in his hand. 

“Are you going to use that on me?” You ask, writhing as he places it upon your budding nipple. 

“As tempting as it is.”  He smirks, taking it away just as a moan threatens to leave your lips, “I think we’ll save it for another day.” 

He turns it off and places it back in the bedside table, taking the box of condoms that are in there out also. He takes the foil packet out and at the same time pushes his underwear off of his body, revealing his member to you. It was already red, the tip angry and already leaking pre-come as it stood out from his body. 

You can’t take your eyes off him. You had had some encounters with people before hand, you had needs, but you certainly hadn’t been with anyone quite so well endowed. He uses his teeth to rip open the packet, pinching it between his fingers and rolling it over his length. 

“Can I ride you?” You ask, watching as Harry kneels on the edge of the bed. 

He raises his eyebrows, “Do you want to?” 

“I do.” You smile, watching as he laid down next to you. 

“Hop on then.” He smirks, reaching for your hips as your straddle him. 

You take him in your hand, lining him up with your centre. He grips your hips, guiding you down onto his cock. You moan as he fills you up, but you can move at your own speed and wait as long as you needed. 

“Fuck.” He moans, sitting up to rest his head against your shoulder, “So fucking tight around my cock. Squeezing me just right.” 

You couldn’t believe how much you were throbbing between your legs at the sounds of his words. Once you’ve become accustomed to his size, you started to bounce up and down on him. You catch his lips with yours, allowing yourself to succumb under the pleasure he was giving you. You couldn’t help the moans that tumbled out of your lips whilst you bounce, Harry’s hips lifting to meet yours.

“Harry, fucking hell.” He was making you feel so full, and so good, “Fuck, can I go faster?” 

“Go as fast as you want, baby.” He kisses your lips briefly, “Make yourself come on my cock.” 

You bounce your hips faster, leaning forward to grip your headboard to give you more leverage to move your hips. You could feel sweat collecting upon your brow and body, your hair sticking to your neck. The only sound in the room was your moans and your groans, as well as the creaking of your bed and your headboard hitting the wall. You prayed at this point that your neighbours couldn’t hear you through your wall. 

“I’m gonna come, H.” You moan out, lowering one of your hands so that you could rub your clit. Harry immediately notices and pushes your hand away, replacing it with his own finger rubbing quickly to coax your second orgasm of the night. 

“Come on my cock, baby.” He speeds up his hips meeting yours, “Come on, I wanna feel you.” 

Your second orgasm washes over you quicker than your first, and your eyes roll to the back of your head. Harry thrusts harshly up into you a few time and you feel him spill into the condom. He groans against your neck as you collapse on top of him. 

You had never felt so close to someone as you did to Harry, and even though you weren’t together yet it just felt right to take this step. 

“You’re incredible, swan.” 

You laugh and roll off him, whimpering at the feeling of him leaving you. You lay down next to him and watch as he takes the condom off and places it in the small bin in the corner of your room. Whilst he does that, you quickly make your way towards the bathroom to pee and clean yourself up. Never in your whole life had you felt this wet and orgasmed so hard from being with someone, and you don’t know whether to thank Harry or worship the ground that he walks on. 

As you walk back into your room, you notice Harry laid upon your bed, shirtless and smiling as you walk back into the room. You slip into bed next to him. 

“Harry?” He hums, “If I perform like this every night, are you going to do this overnight?” 

“If you want me to, swan, I’ll never stop.” 

You didn’t want him to. 

A couple of months later, your time as the White Swan had finished. Your parents, as well as both Ethel and Harry, joined you for celebratory drinks. You found yourself loving having Harry with you, and Harry loved being with you as far as you could tell. 

Waking up the next morning, you can’t remember the last time you woke up without having something to do the next day. Harry’s deep breaths fill your ears as he rests upon your neck, his arm around your waist and his leg pressed in between yours. You loved the feeling of having him so close to you, and you felt as though you couldn’t ever have him away from you now.

“Are you awake?” His voice is low and gruff in a morning, and it sparks something between your legs almost immediately. 

“No.” You smile, “I’m still asleep.” 

“I think you should stick to ballet, lying isn’t your forte.” He squeezes your middle, pressing a kiss to your cheek. 

“I’m not lying. I’m still asleep.” You smile, relishing in the feeling of his arm around you.

He laughs, “I didn’t know I was with a sleep talker, swan. If I’d have known I would’ve been running for the hills.” 

“How long have you been awake then?” You laugh, “Have you been watching me sleep?” 

“Not watching.” He laughs, “Observing.” 

You turn your head briefly so that you’re looking at him, leaning forward to place a kiss to his cheek. 

“Kissy?” 

“Morning breath.” You grimace, “Once I’ve brushed my teeth, maybe.” 

“I don’t care.” He shakes his head, “I just want a kiss.” 

“I care, though.” 

“‘Gis a kiss, baby.” You lean forward and place a closed-lipped peck to his lips. 

“Good enough?” 

“I guess that’s all I’m getting.” 

“That is correct.” You laugh. 

Harry’s eyes fall upon yours, and he doesn’t look away. Even though he just woke up, he’s so effortlessly gorgeous that you can’t help but want to jump his bones and kiss him all of the time. 

In your opinion, you had hit the jackpot. It was the most traditional relationship, but Harry was your person. From the first day you walked into the rehearsal room and Harry looked at you with such joy in his eyes you knew he was for you. You didn’t care what anyone else though, and you only wanted him. 

You were falling for him, at a fast speed but you certainly would never complain. 

“Be mine?” 

“What?” You question, your eyebrows furrowing. 

“Be my girlfriend?” He asked, “Be mine?” 

You ponder the thought for a couple of seconds, leaving him waiting before your lips curl up into a smile, “Okay.” 

“Okay.” You kiss him again, “I’ll be your girlfriend.” 

“My swan.” He smiles, leaning forward to kiss you once again. 

You laugh, “I feel like that’s going to be my forever nickname.” 

“It’s how we met.” He smiles, “I never want to forget it.” 

You never do. 

[morningcool]

Hurts - Faith (review) ‘From V to D’ 1 month later

We’ve got a new religion - Faith. 

Just look at the cover. 

Don’t say you don’t get any of the songs. 

‘Cause here they are, looking straight into your eyes.

Hello everybody, it’s been a while. Love being traditional so yes, I’m definitely going to say a few words about Faith. Seems like nowadays all Hurts fans' lives are on Telegram or Instagram but I kinda still like this little world here. As some of you might remember I do listen to their albums literally blindfolded and as always I’ve counted the waiting days - 1071. The longest and the most frightened waiting is over but the new one is on or not?

Oh, Gosh I’m literally shaking. I’ll definitely say my feelings about every song but a bit later.

As for now just let me say a few important things. This album is quite special for me. It killed me from the first listen. Every word of each and every song on it reflects my inner world. Like Adam said I always perceived music as a gateway into discovering my feelings, it’s a lingering journey of knowing myself. This album is not an escape, it's a story of facing yourself. It took me a while to talk about it, ‘cause after encontless listening I plunged into deep thoughts. Well, it seems like we are all originally from our childhood. And if we weren’t accepted and loved the way we needed here we are, adults with the eyes of a kid. We can be implemented in the profession but we still will be chasing wrong people in search of unconditional love. The truth is we won’t be loved by anybody until we’ll be in peace with ourselves, until we won’t feel the luck of anything. Remember Theo’s role in “A little something for your Birthday”? Lovely idea of a film, don’t you think so? So the only way to cope with all our wounds is discovering and understanding our true nature. Listening and dealing with emotions we all have instead of scrolling them. That’s it, sounds quite simple but it’s the hardest work ever. We used to run away from ourselves but the real growth is only in being who you are.

To be fair, looking back to when I began being a Hurts fan I never thought that one day we’ll be on the same page. But now I see that we were always there. From Happiness to Faith they did a soundtrack of my inner search. Search for acceptance of myself. They become one of my Voices who’s always there for me when I feel the most low. Ironically I’ve never been the one who’s listening to the songs they like until getting sick of it. Hurts’ songs are pouring in me and then living in me like a part of my body or something. I’m living them.

Do you remember Ben’s filming during Desire tour? I witnessed a few interviews myself. It was quite interesting. But the thing is he never asked why do all these people do what they do? I can only say for myself. I’m spreading Hurts ideas, way of thinking, music at least not last because of a gratitude for everything they made me go through. I found myself in helping people to learn them. To understand what’s going on around the music they do. Because Hurts music you know has always been so much more than music. I kinda feel like a Hurts’ voice. Through this years I can’t tell you how many interviews I’ve translated, I personally heard and read them all. And it might be one of the reasons why I’m still here, writing this review. Knowing that my translations have been read by thousands of people and if only one person out of them gets what Hurts really meant is making me the happiest person ever.

The last year for me personally has been the hardest one. I think that for those one who’ll be reading my opinion on the songs it’s important to know that one of the reasons above thousands others for such a rating mark is because my heart was broken for the first time in ten years. I’ve let myself fall in love but it just didn’t work. I might be fractured or crucified but here I am the way I am. And it is ok. 

Uh, it’s been a hard few paragraphs. Coming back to the review. I feel like I should start with the promo stuff. I was watching it with interest but got no power to join. Maybe it’s because being a part of a Hurts path for 11 years in a row on a daily basis (if only I was 10 years younger *winking), maybe ‘cause of some personal struggling. When you’re becoming older you don’t need the preparation for the dark album you’ve already living like this. To be fair, I tried a few puzzles in the start, spending 8 or 10 hours on them and buried the idea ‘cause felt like a hero from the “Lost in Translation”.

Listeners will always be arguing about new music. Eternal discussion about being a true fan and loving and accepting all songs equally or being picky and liking only a few will always appear with every new era. For me love is only true if you’ve got an open heart and your mind is free of expectations.

But I’m here to talk about music, so that’s it.

“Voices” – a contrast shower. When guys released promo, with the lyrics, I was in a deep mess, bursting into tears, with those two videos only. I didn’t need any other interview about the album or something, I’ve read them all and the whole puzzle came into a place through the words of the song. Through the meaning of the lyrics. It’s bold, sincere, personal, intimate. That’s what Hurts music is about. Always. With the sound - it’s a step forward. Love the vocal part (it’s so disarming), what a broken drum line (my personal crush) and what about an anthemic plum? The song is so unexpected but it felt so right and once again thanks to the microwave. It saved so many souls. And again I know how sometimes those voices can abuse, pursue, bother. How for example they can reflect your parents' installations displaced your own voice. Equally I know how almost the same voices like Hurts songs can make you feel better. Can make you feel heard, adopted, dear how they can comfort you and sympathize. That’s what true music can do for us. Becoming that person from a Darkest Hour. Guys, thank you.

“Suffer” – a slap in the face. Looking in the mirror straight into your own eyes and confessing the addiction. Love how the detached vocal contrasting aggressive mood of the sound. It’s that stage of the relationship when you understand it’s inner reasons. When you face how curved your true nature is because of your addiction. And that can totally make you realise that you became a slave to your own emotions. Seeing this gave you the reins of government  back. You can still be in a relationship but for now they dissolve you with acid. And the more you’re being tactile touched the more lonely and fey you become. Don’t think I should mention how painful this experience might be. And I love how prickly the cofemashine part is sounding, how it’s cyclicality reflects the whirl of thoughts. The cards revealed. You realised that you’ve been hiding in a fake little world but you still want to be there because you don’t know how to act differently. Virus detected but the whole system is paralysed.

“Fractured” – an opened wound. Here we go, you still looking into your own eyes but now poison penetrates your insides. At that stage you start hating yourself. You’re your only foe now. You can’t cope with any tactile contact any more otherwise it might kill you. With the words “I might be everything that is wrong for you” rang out the unsightly truth that she is that viper warmed on the chest. But at that stage you reflect everything on yourself ‘cause it was you who chose her to be your lover. So in a way it’s fair enough. And that’s why you are a complete mess now. Confess, I squealed listening to it for the first time. And I’m still frozen with every whispered word and how harsh melody before the broken serene vocal line of an ending almost licks my neck a way straight up to my earlobe. ASMR isn’t it?

“Slave To Your Love” – the beginning. Here we go, that’s how the story of an abusive relationship started. You fall in love but it’s not the same for the object of your love. Maybe she’s not ready to admit to herself that you are not the one. Because of lots of different reasons it’s even not important you’ll never know them anyway. It’s quite often she doesn’t understand it herself. But the thing you can do is ask: Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I choose those who don’t see me? I mean you think you can’t do it while you are in love but that’s not true. Even being drowned by a wave of feelings we still keep hearing our inner voices. That admitting, warning us but we used to skip them through good or tough times being in love is not an exception. The reason for abuse is never in the person we choose, it's always in us. The sound in the chorus with the phrase “I’m a slave to love” feels like the ringing of bells of that little inner voice it’s calling for your attention. You’re a slave. And the music soundtracks it perfectly, you’re running and jumping from a cliff to nowhere. The final whirlpool of the melody is like a hurricane funnel that swallows you.

“All I Had To Give” – a confession. This is it. Can we skip this song, please? No, not this time. Now - is the time to face it. For me, this song might be the hardest to listen to ever. The same reaction I had listening to Unspoken. But this one says everything that was silent before. I can’t even try to imagine how it feels to share such sincerity with the song. Listening to it for the first time I petrified, lost the control of my emotions and bursted into tears. I had to stop listening to the album. It took me quite a while to decide to continue. I can still hardly restrain my emotions each time I dare to listen to it. I can try to express my sensible feelings while listening to it by drawing a film scene. Imagine an empty highway in the middle of the desert. You’re standing all alone and the silence that surrounds you and it’s almost tangible, peaceful isn’t it? But in a second without having time to blink you’ve been hit by a car and as soon as it appeared it disappeared with a sound like the bee buzzing or something. And here you are - a crippled lonely body lying on a highway in the middle of nowhere. Impressive isn’t it? Yes I’m in awe of what this song does to me. Yes, that’s how I open myself up - admitting that I never do. Am I suffering the consequences of it? Sometimes. Because I don’t like it but it's the wrong direction in relationship with yourself. Oh, the musical frame of this picture is something special. Isn’t it a true miracle that somebody knows exactly how to express your feelings with a song. And lucky Theo.

“Liar” – a thriller. What a brave expose, amazing. Such a vivid picture. Can you see those lying eyes? Oh, feeling being scanned. But I’m on the other side. I know that feeling of being deceived. The sound with the first Liar in the chorus made me terrified, indescribably incredible. Caught at the crime scene. As if this word set fire to the leaf and before the eyes of the observer it just became an ashes. And everything that was important and dared became rubish. Personal Hiroshima in one word. So simple and yet so heavy. Like all the weight of the world rushed onto your shoulders. Saying this one word made you a grain of sand. You don't seem to exist anymore. Everything depreciated. And I love the buzzing sound of the second verse. It's like a kaleidoscope of memories turning to dust. And the ending of the song - that final scream “Liar” it’s like a circle crying in your head when you’ve already left alone.

“Somebody” – an anger kick. Well, now the liar has a word to say. But thankfully you get the strength to close the door behind yourself instead of just realizing that you've been cheated. This is no longer a protest, but a riot. The time when arguments no longer exist. Your anger is a gunpowder and all previous behaviour was a flame path and now all your powder kegs are exploding inside forcing you to act. To shut her lying mouth up. It’s enough. This blast blows you away with its wave and the present becomes the past. You’re still in the heat of passion but to stay is not an option any more. The shackles fell down. Your words about somebody are more like a precept now. But also a prick to the deceiver, you admit the existence of someone else next to you. She’s no longer the one for you. And what a lovely dubstep sound in the final chorus. Those guitar riffs in the end are so sharp. I love the whole dynamic from the introduction through the verse to the chorus. An emotional storm from the beginning till the end. The whole song itself is like an interrupted inhalation on 0:38.

“Numb”  – a psychological coma. Have you ever been mentally paralysed the way deep so you can’t actually move? Oh, how clever the album is composed. Being myself stuck between “Somebody” and “Numb” nowadays I can’t even explain how I’m amazed by the story they told through Faith. 2:15 and what a scream I can only wish I could’ve cried it all out, thanks for the music that does it for me. How lovely starts the last chorus, beautiful vertigo, feels like a stranglehold on the neck limits the intake of air into the lungs. You escaped from prison, but you have not yet freed yourself in your mind. Inside you are still a prisoner, barely breathing. It's a terrible time of withdrawal symptoms for the past life ‘cause it’s the same way as a drug addict. Poker face inside out. The fish is lying on the floor and moving no more. Just reflexively swallows air. Everything around has become mechanical, you are a biorobot. And the marching rhythm of the whole song confirms this. you're just trying to keep running on autopilot.

“Redemption”  – a repentance. The reassessment of the values ​​of those who returned from the war. After all you’ve been through here you are accepting the consequences of your own choices. The only thing that’s left is hope. Hope that not all is lost and the ship, although with a hole, does not go to the bottom. After all, ships do not sink in water, they sink only when the water is inside them. Even standing on the bridge across the Severn, the biggest challenge is still to accept yourself with all your mistakes, regrets, wounds, scars and demons. You can’t change your past acts or inactions. The only person who's really judging you is you. And the only way to find peace is to forgive yourself for not listening to your own inner voices or listening to the wrong ones, imposed by society or any other external frameworks. Everything that happens with us is solely our will. Facing it all can be hard sometimes. Should we talk about music in the song? I don’t know how. The melody and the lyrics were made for each other despite the fact that they were written at different times and under the influence of different circumstances. And what an epic final part with strings and horns it made the song something more than a song as if personifying the fall of an angel from heaven. When the ground is slipping off under your feet as a boomerang of your actions returns to the sender by making a circle.

“White Horses” – a dizzying allegory or a black sheep. A real outstander of the album. Cinematique lyrics continue to roll the gallop of white horses along the edge of the sea wave. But looking at their developing manes and contracting muscles in the rays of the setting sun as if in slow motion, in my thoughts it’s not running horses at all. Is your breathing quickening too? Bet you flashing your own private moments. During the first time I listened to it, I really got dizzy. The song spun me off the reality. Never had such an experience myself so it’s hard for me to see Madeline. But I’m ok with it ‘cause from the outside it seems quite brave. I guess I sympathize with her. It might be a nightmare, in reality, exchanging real intimacy for stones. Isn’t it that poison that fills up the void? Anyway, I am in awe of the music that took me on the carousel of my beautiful but painful memories. I liked the wind that disheveled my hair during the trip. He is the only one besides music and water allowed to touch me.

“Darkest Hour” – a keystone. That what Hurts music has always been for me. That exact moment I heard the chorus for the first time I thought how much it means to me. It got me in an emotional mess. I cried. Bitterly. Hurts music is my beacon, and as long as I can experience moments like this I live. Feeling the fullness of life with every cell of my body and soul. That song gives me goosebumps and tears with each listening. Maybe, like the guys said, it’s a moment of hope but it feels like an escape for me. Might be for the first time in this album. We don’t look into our reflections, but we look into each other's eyes. And it’s the best feeling ever, even if it all happens in my mind only. It just doesn’t matter as long as I can feel it it’s real. It reminded me of a hug we shared with Theo after a pre-listening to the Desire three years ago. (read more here) That was so unexpected but yet so right and I feel like every first listening of a new album should end with a reciprocal embrace of the musicians in gratitude for everything that their music has brought into your life. Because with every sung word I feel like I’ve been warmed up and cuddled tighter and tighter. So in the end I can barely breathe. What an epic crescendo with a guitar solo in the end. The quintessence of Theos’ words embodied in music, raising you above all that is mortal. Thank you.

And now I ask especially sensitive natures not to read further. Because further I will write something that cannot be accepted by any heart that belongs to Hurts. 

"What if" has a strong meaning. Whatever you'll place after could change the whole mood or meaning. So I'm terrified, almost shaking but writing 'cause I'd never in ages could've said it out loud. What if... Taking a deep breath. What if Faith is the final Hurts album. Don't ask why and don't try to kill me. It's murdering enough to even think, not write.

If so, then Faith is a perfect illustration/description of how Hurts fan gonna feel himself when he'll know that this is the end. If so, then it's understandable why they tried to kill us with puzzles. They not only wanted to get us to the place where we'll feel sick and confused but wanted to show us how they have lived for the last few years. How does their profession make them feel. How easy you can come close to insanity. How they pushed themselves to the limit and what happened after. They're burned down. That's what they're telling us with the video for Redemption. And here they are on their knees, burning and at the last moment raising their hands into the skies and this is Faith by Hurts. That is it. In a prayer even the last moment they still physically want to have faith. They want to have hope, but it's burned and Faith is the only thing that's left. Do you see why the cover of Voices is torn? And all this confessions on Spotify. 

I feel so sorry and lost writing about it and I hope it’s just my own crazy stupid fantasies caused by the bad times on personal fronts. Maybe I should say a few words about myself so you might understand what's going inside me right now and why I decided to share this without you. I'm following Hurts advice to share, face the demons and try to get out of the place you're in. Well, let's talk a bit. I'm sure you feel confused too but let's go for an imaginary walk. Maybe together it's not that scary. And that is another reason why they created the Telegram Channel. Coincidences? Nah, I don’t think so. 

It's fashionable now to say: “I've been with Hurts all their path through.” But for me it's fair enough but not really. They'd hit me in 2010 with Bizz Session for The Sun covering Kylie. I was 22 and searched for a handsome man because I felt a lack of beauty around me. That was my crazy guilty pleasure, watching some commercials with male models. You might be laughing, but the description of the video said: "I could sell my soul to the devil for a man like him". I was intrigued and played it. I knew Kylie's song but the way Hurts did it was something special. Absolutely insane it still gives me goosebumps rewatching it. Never in ages I would ever believed that the video could change my life but it did. 

The first Moscow show took place in a 25 minutes walk from my house and I got there 8 hours before the start. Didn’t have a ticket ‘cause the show was sold out but I thought that I should be there anyway. Maybe I still got a chance to see them. I was standing surrounded by dozens of girls with drawings and photographs for autographs. I saw Paul and Richard taking pictures with the fans. I watched all this from the side. I had a CD in my bag, a collection of Russian music that I recorded for the guys specially. I didn't give it to Paul or Richard. I don't know why. Maybe I was dumbfounded by the agility of the surrounding girls, throwing themselves on the musicians' necks. In general, I stood at the club until the evening, when one guy came up to me offering to buy a ticket which I did and get inside. I was frozen to the bone by that time because outside there was no more than 8 degrees Celsius. I remember standing in the lobby and talking to the girls from the queue, I said that I regretted not giving the disc. And at that moment I saw Richard coming down the stairs to meet me. I called out to him, he burst into a wide smile, grabbed me into his bear hug and agreed to give my gift to the guys. It all seemed kinda crazy. I was twitching nervously at the entrance to the hall, choking on cigarette smoke. And when the doors finally opened, a frantic wave carried me inside. The minutes of waiting dragged on painfully long. The musicians followed each other and the moment Hurts finally came out, changed everything. ‘Unspoken’ opened the set list of the concert and the door into my heart. That was it, my story was told, like you know in Fugees’ song: 

“...I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style And so I came to see him, to listen for a while And there he was, this young boy, a stranger to my eyes Strumming my pain with his fingers Singing my life with his words Killing me softly with his song Killing me softly with his song Telling my whole life with his words Killing me softly with his song I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd I felt he'd found my letters and read each one out loud I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on…”

And from that exact moment I kept an eye on them. I wanted to be a part of the Hurts’ world ‘cause they in a strange and completely incomprehensible way to me were already a part of my own path. Since then my day to day life includes Hurts. News, interviews, photographs, posts, translations and everything imaginable and unimaginable stuff around. But not as an addiction that blinded me but as a conscious choice.The choice of a person who’s been understood, heard and accepted by two strangers. No matter how strange it may seem. Their music recognized me. This is my heartbeat. This is who I am.

And that is why my heart skipped a bit while I was watching the video for “All I Have To Give” and couldn’t move for two hours after. I literally sat in front of the monitor for two hours in a row in complete disbelief. How did it happen that they spent themselves so recklessly. Why did we let ourselves treat them in such a way that they burned out. Yes, you can say that we are not guilty. But I think that in addition to the choice that the guys made  themselves, there is also a share of our participation in this. This brings to mind the nasty things that Adam casually mentioned in his latest q&a on his Instagram live stream. I’m screaming Billie Eilish lyrics here:

“As long as I'm here No one can hurt you Don't wanna lie here But you can learn to If I could change The way that you see yourself You wouldn't wonder why you here They don't deserve you” 

Unfortunately, not all fans understand the consequences of their actions. But as long as I can't influence the actions of others I don’t wanna talk about it no matter how much it upsets me. Of course, you can argue with me and say that they knew what they were doing, choosing the life of an artist. And there is a grain of justice in this, as well as in the fact that when you compose music in the bedroom you have no idea what the consequences of popularity might be. Not all musicians write music about themselves, about their experiences, troubles and pain. Not everyone is ready to speak directly and openly about themselves, looking into the eyes of their listeners. Hurts music is always like that. This is her true nature. Even if the creators are eager to escape from themselves, the music reveals everything. Because these are not just new songs, this is a whole life. Life that is hidden at the fingertips of Theo and Adam while they write songs. They are not entertainers, they are two humans. Two personalities that have a chemistry to help each other to open up and be realized in music. A precious gift that they both carry in this world. Every time I think about it, I sink into awe.

That is what it’s all about. That is what it means to be a real musician. That's what it means to be human, accepted, understood and loved. Understanding and appreciating such a support, such a connection, we keep a grain of truth in our hearts. And I immensely value every new day I have lived, the day when there are two wonderful people in my life, Theo and Adam. Thank you for everything!

We do not know what the future holds for us, we do not know what will happen in a minute. But knowing that somewhere there are two people you don't know but who are able to feel the same as you, it gives life a taste. If you need time to recover, find new yourself, embrace the life you have chosen or embark on new adventures, you can manage your time as you see fit. Just know that your magical ability to write music is a gift you seem to have come into this world to share. And your listeners don't take your albums for granted. Each time - these are moments of absolute inexplicable and all-embracing happiness and joy, both for you and for myself, that I've managed to hear, share and experience a true miracle. And can tell the world about it, as I just did. Thank you!

I don’t think any of you got here. Don’t think you’ve read it all but if you did thank you for your time I really appreciate your attention. I hope some of my words resonated in your soul. 

I’ve got  my own odd tradition to say personal Hurts oath after a new release. Now I can repeat it for the fourth time: ‘To be your faithful fan in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to respect you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and inspire you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you from this day forward until the day when your sixth album will be released. Hutcherson.’

P.S.:

If you’re still alive and want to, you can also read my Exile, Surrender  and Desire reviews, they are much shorter (giggling).

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I Thought About “Enchanted Grom Fright”

Salutations random people of the internet who probably won't read this. I am an Ordinary Shmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

When I started doing reviews, I told myself to stay limited to specials, movies, seasons, and even entire T.V. shows. I didn't want to do reviews for regular episodes of a show, mostly because there wouldn't be enough to talk about in a single post. For me, an episode has to either be astounding enough or important enough to warrant a review. And low and behold, The Owl House did just that with the episode "Enchanting Grom Fright." Keep in mind that I am going to be spoiling everything that happens in this episode. So if you somehow haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend that you do so. And if you haven't seen The Owl House yet...what the hell is wrong with you?

With that out of the way, let's get started with-

WHAT I LIKE

Luz independently looking for new glyphs: This scene is excellent for two reasons. Reason number one: It shows how dedicated Luz is to learning magic. So far, we have yet to see Hexide teach Luz anything regarding her unique way of doing magic. This is why it's great to see Luz try to find glyphs on her own so she can at least attempt to catch up with everyone else. There's also the implication that it's not an easy task for her, given the multiple crumpled up pieces of paper, which must have been failed attempts to make the plant glyph. This scene adds continuity from "Adventures of the Elements" as well, proving that Luz had learned her lesson in said episode. As for reason number two for why this scene is excellent: It sets up how Luz and Amity defeat Grom. Luz could have used her other two glyphs to destroy Grom, but doing so would take away some neat symbolism with the tree that was grown (more on that later). Therefore, Luz finding the plant glyph was a great set up with a proper pay off. Which is what I love about The Owl House. It takes things you wouldn't think twice about and actually makes something beautiful. Case in point: A 'Grom Night' poster was shown in a previous episode, hinting to the glory that is this episode.

Luz barely texting her mom back: I like this because it finally addresses Luz's conflictions for lying to her mom (Something I may or may not have toyed around with https://archiveofourown.org/works/23321692/chapters/55864000). These scenes present moments of how Luz isn't always the happy go lucky teen that she is. And I like that because it adds layers to a character who is already engaging enough.

That Gromposal: I made a post of all the things Disney has approved of before approving Lumity. I guess you can add to the list a character presenting an anatomically correctly drawn heart with the word 'Grom' written in what I can only assume is blood!

(Jokes aside, I legitimately like the dark humor in this scene, as well as Skara saying yes to the poor boy. It was adorable, damn it!)

Amity’s hostility swapped with being friendly: Here's a nice bit of character development for ya! It's just a few seconds, but those seconds show how far Amity has come since episode FIVE! Which is why Amity is one of the best characters in the show. Her development is so impressive that it's legitimately jarring to compare the Amity who was angry to see Luz, to the Amity who immediately apologizes, to Luz. But she still has years of conditioning from her parents to deal with, so of course, Amity's first instinct is to bare her fangs. And I'm more than positive that that instinct is going to leave her pretty soon.

Eda: While we're on the topic of great characters, let's take a moment to talk about Eda in this episode, shall we? Eda, throughout "Enchanted Grom Fright," has fully embraced her role as a maternal figure for Luz. The way Eda attempts to warn Luz about the dangers of Grom is a testament to how much Eda truly cares about 'her human.' And it's not like Eda doesn't acknowledge Luz's efforts at survival. She knows Luz can take care of herself, but that won't stop Eda from drawing the line when she knows Luz is in over her head. The best part is that when Luz admits that she was wrong, Eda doesn't respond with anger or even with a smug "I told you so." Instead, Eda's reaction is calm and nurturing. A response that Luz needed at that moment. It's sweet and genuinely heartwarming to see.

(And I love how Eda constantly admires her own beauty throughout the episode. Which is something I'm sure most fans can relate to.)

Luz and Amity’s talk in the forest: There is a lot to love about this exchange, due to how adorable it is. So here's a quick list: The clearly romantic music playing in the background. The way Amity slipped in the mud and was inches away from accidentally kissing Luz when getting pulled up. The fact that Luz sits down into the mud so as not to make Amity feel self-conscious about being filthy. Luz's sweet, sincere, and instant "I would" when responding to Amity wondering who would take her place as Grom Queen. The fact that Amity was surprised that someone would be willing to take her place in the first place. The payoff to Luz learning that she really did have a spider on the back of her head (Alright, that one wasn’t adorable, but it was definitely hilarious!).

Amity “destroying” Hooty: While I do enjoy seeing Amity act all sweet and gushy, I will admit that feisty Amity is still best Amity. Plus, this scene was remarkably funny.

Training Luz for Grom: This scene was a fantastic showcase for each of the Blight siblings. Now, because I've talked a lot about Amity (and will continue to do so), I want to start talking about Edric and Emira first. When first introduced to Ed and Em, my initial reaction was that they were meanspirited versions of the Weasley Twins from Harry Potter. Sure, Fred and George are known to cause mischief, but they do realize that there's a line you don't cross when it comes to family. That is something that Ed and Em ignored during their debut episode, where they tried to reveal Amity's diary to the world. Luckily, the writers picked up on this quick and made a subtle detour in terms of Ed and Em's personalities. They're actually decent supporting characters, and it's legitimately sweet with how they willingly help Luz. As for Amity, it's great to see that she still takes things seriously despite crushing on Luz. Most shows fall into the trap of making characters a nervous wreck when around their crushes. And while Amity does have those moments, there are still scenes like this that prove she isn't just some smitten kitten-and I hate myself for saying that. Amity is the voice of reason to her and Luz's relationship. And I'm glad that the writers mostly focus on that aspect of her personality rather than write her off as a flustered girl with a crush.

Those boys dancing together: While it's nice to see Luz and Amity's relationship blossom, that doesn't mean we should sleep on great representation such as this. While it's great to see so many romantic pairings between females in the last few years, it's rare to see two boys liking each other, especially in animation. Sure, male pairings exist, but I haven't seen them as celebrated as often as female ones. This is why it's nice to see that The Owl House crew sprinkled in these two boys dancing with each other. Representation matters for everyone, and this little acknowledgment is something worth mentioning, even if it isn't the main ship.

The hallway scene: But let's face it, this is what we came to see. Now when you think about it, there's nothing all that special with this scene. It's a typical romantic moment with a heart to heart discussion followed with witty banter, all while a romantic melody is playing in the background. You see this in multiple types of media, especially in Disney cartoons. The only difference is that this scene features a same-sex pairing and that what makes it amazing. It's essentially normalizing something that has been seen as inappropriate for years. And the fact that Disney of all companies is the one that greenlit a scene like this? That just makes this moment all the more impressive. Plus, I mean, c'mon. You have to have a will of iron not to think these dorks are adorable with this little exchange.

Splash zone: There's not much to talk about or analyze here. I just think the dark humor of a kid waiting in the 'splash zone' is funny. Because what does the splash zone get used for? Grom? The fighter? I don't know, but the fact that a splash zone exists for either of those reasons is what gets a chuckle out of me.

Skara and her date getting hyped for Grom fight: That's it. Skara is officially the best background character. I'm sorry, but a character earns that title when they immediately switch from wanting to kiss their date to "WHOO! BRING ON THE GORE!" 

I don't make the rules. I just abide by them.

Luz’s greatest fear: This is something fans could have seen coming due to rewatching and reanalyzing the promo that dropped a little over a month ago. But for fans who ignored the promo, the episode did a great job of setting up this reveal. From the two times that Luz practically ignored her mother's texts, it can be pretty clear that Luz's fear would be something involving Camilia. However, before the episode premiered, everyone jumped on the idea that Luz's greatest fear would be Camilia forcing Luz to come back home. Instead, the scene portrays Luz's greatest fear as her mother's negative response to Luz lying for weeks. That idea is much more interesting to me because it reveals how much Luz cares so much about what her mother thinks of Luz. And unlike Amity with her parents, Luz's fears are much more justified due to Camilia actually being a good mother. A mother who planned to send her daughter away to summer camp, sure, but still a mother who would do that type of thing out of love rather than to protect an image. Which makes me hope to see more of Camilia in the future, just to witness the mother/daughter relationship she has with Luz. Because honestly, it feels like I've been working triple time with portraying that relationship myself.

Amity’s greatest fear: Ah yes, the one thing none of us could have predicted...ok, that's not true. Some of us did predict this, but most of us didn't take those predictions seriously. And BOY, were we wrong to do so. Because the idea that Amity's greatest fear is being rejected by Luz is both sad, yet kind of adorable. It proves just how much Amity has come to care for the same human she nearly got dissected, in episode THREE. It's a nice bit of character growth that I just can't help but gush over how sweet it is. But again, it's also depressing knowing that Amity is afraid by being rejected by Luz of all people. Luz! The girl who's sweeter than honey and would absolutely let Amity down gently if Luz didn't feel the same way (Which she does. She just doesn't realize it yet.). What's even more interesting is that it makes so much sense as to why Amity is more afraid of showing her fear to the school. Not only would Grom reveal that Amity has feelings for Luz, but it also has the problem of outing Amity as a lesbian, presumably long before she's ready. And seeing how her parents reacted to Amity's friendship with Willow, imagine what would happen if word got out that Amity had a crush on a human girl. Yeah, let's just say that Amity must be really grateful that Grom morphed into a vague, shadowy figure.

(Speaking of, can we PLEASE calling Luz oblivious for not knowing that Grom morphed into her? Yes, to us, it's painfully apparent who Grom was supposed to be. But it also looks vague enough to the point where it isn't unbelievable for Luz to not know it was her. Because from where Luz is standing, the only similarity is the height and body shape. If the crew stuck to using Luz's more apparent traits, then I'd say it's fine to say Luz is oblivious. But as is, it's not too far of a stretch for Luz not to know it was her.)

That dance scene!: Remember how some fans have been hoping for a slow dance between Luz and Amity? This is better.

From the choreography to the smooth animation, to their expressions, to even pure epicness of this scene. Everything about this dance is just so astonishing that I am convinced that several fans have watched it over and over and over again since the episode's release. And you want to know the best part? This scene has so many problems that I don't care about due to how great it is. Why does Eda just stand there and do nothing? I don't know, and I don't care. Why does Grom stand there and do nothing? I don't know, and I don't care. How did Luz and Amity come up with this perfect plan without communicating? I don't know, and I don't care. How did Luz catch Amity, even though it looked like they jumped off of the abomination at the same height, and would've landed at the same time? I don't-Ok, you get the point by now.

Don't get me wrong, these are all valid criticisms. But that's the testament of good writing to me. Because if a scene can make me forget/ignore the problems within it, then it's ok in my book!

The cherry blossom: And now we get to that symbolism that I've mentioned before. Because according to a five-second Google search: The Chinese describe the cherry blossom as a symbol for feminine dominance and, of course, a symbol for love. Now the feminine dominance part is clear, but I'm confident that The Owl House staff concentrated more on the whole "symbol of love" thing. Because how else are they supposed to hint that Amity and Luz are meant to be the endgame relationship? Reveal that Amity's gromposal was meant for Luz? C'mon. That would be-

It’s revealed that Amity’s gromposal was meant for Luz: ...You know those moments that are so awesome, iconic, and downright perfect that you just can't help but give a grand old cheer to it? That's this moment right here. Speaking of which: WAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

Seriously, some of you have no idea how big this scene is. It would have been so easy to cut the scene short at Amity throwing her half of the note, and leaving it up to interpretation for who the whole thing was for. But the fact that we get to see that it was meant for Luz, thus confirming that Amity has a crush on her, is absolute perfection. Not only is it because this is a big step for Disney in terms of representation, but to me, it seems like a normalization of gay culture. This type of reveal is something that would be done for several heterosexual relationships. So to confirm that Amity has a crush on Luz as if it was nothing...that's...that's just awesome. It's awesome, and I am so happy that Disney even greenlit this decision. And I'm not even gay! So I can not comprehend how some of you are feeling about this moment!

(Also, this does not mean that Lumity is canon. But it does at least mean that Lumity is going to be canon. Only now it's a question of when rather than if.)

Luz’s Text to Home: This was just a sweet moment. You get a better understanding of the love Luz has for her mother within these few seconds, then you did throughout the entire series so far. I also like that this implies that Luz is going to try being more honest with her mom about being in a whole new dimension. Which is again, is something I've been playing with.

Speaking of my aforementioned fanfic, during this entire scene, I was thinking to myself: "Man. Maybe I don't have to write a chapter based on this episode, after all. It pretty much did the job for me. I'm just glad that show didn't do anything that would make what I wrote completely worthless. Because that would just-"

Camilia is getting LETTERS?!: “...Well shit.”

Ok, gags and goofs aside, I honestly love this reveal. Because this presents a whole lot of questions. Like, how is Camilia getting these letters? When did she start getting them? And more importantly: Who the hell is sending them?! This is another thing that I enjoy about The Owl House. Just when you think you're satisfied with the episode you're given, the writers throw in something you could have never expected in a million years. This is why lately, it's a toss-up between The Owl House and Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts for the best show of 2020 for me.

(BTW, WATCH KIPO AND THE AGE OF WONDERBEASTS! It's SO GOOD!)

Those Grom pictures: These were just cute. Especially the last one.

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE

...Uh...Oh! I know!

King’s B-plot: A small complaint that I have for The Owl House is that most of the b-plots in several episodes just feel unnecessary. Episodes like "The First Day," and "Adventures in the Elements" had b-plots that were pointless and not as engaging as the a-plot. What's worse is that they seem like padding for time, when most of that time could be used for significant moments in the main plot. And honestly, King's story in this episode is the worst one yet. It's filler that is poorly paced and wasn't really all that funny (aside from the other b-plots which at least offered a few good jokes in them). I don't know. Maybe it's because I have Lumity brain rot and wanted more moments between those two, but I just could not get engaged in King's story.

And...yeah, that’s about it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This episode deserves a well earned A+! Sure it has its fair share of problems, but the many, MANY, things it does right outweighs what it does wrong. On top of that, its one of the few episodes of any show I've seen that kept me up at night. Why? Because I couldn't stop thinking about how amazing it was. "Enchanted Grom Fright" is a worthy contender for the best episode of the season, and probably the entire series. It was heartwarming, engaging, and quite possibly the most important thing Disney has made in years. What else could you call it other than Enchanting.

(And no, this doesn’t mean I’m reviewing episodes of The Owl House from now on. Just the ones that are worth talking about.)

[harry-sussex]

You're lovely, and I enjoy seeing your blog on my dashboard. I'm sorry this has been such a difficult thing to process. It's always really difficult to rework an image of someone you once thought you knew. However I'd like to just put it out there - sometimes (I think the large majority of the time) news is presented in the most sensationalist way, such that nowadays I make a point of de-sensationalizing any news I read in my head. In the case of the whole Harry's memoir thing- I can sympathize with Harry as a person possibly just wanting to take back some control of the narrative for himself. Not just in the most recent events with family (that I tend to think are less horrifying than the fandom/Twitter sussex squad discusses it anyway), but in all aspects of his life. I do not at all think he's going to put his family on blast. I can easily imagine Meghan reigning that dialogue in; she has the tendency to think before she speaks that he seems to lack. And he loves his family. Similar to The Interview promos, I imagine the publishing house knew to increase the interest by implying it to be a tell all memoir. I think he's just done a lot of growing up that he didn't know he had to do over a short period of time, esp re: implicit bias/racism in the setting of media's blatant attack on someone he loves, and is disappointed by the institution's and his family's response to it. I think he's emerged a more introspective and aware human, albeit a disillusioned one. Yes it breaks my heart to think that Meghan won't get a break from the tabloids any time soon. If I were him I'd counsel him to write it & sit on it for a few yrs. But I don't want to give the media the power to destroy Meghan in my mind, and I pray she & Harry won't either. I think she'll be okay. She's a strong one, and I think he's able to draw that same link for himself and be thoughtful about what he does. No one likes being misunderstood/misinterpreted, and I wouldn't be surprised if Harry's especially triggered by that given his history with the press. Maybe this idea emerged from therapy, idk. I can empathize with that, even if I wouldn't do it myself. I hope and pray Meghan gets the support she needs from him and her loved ones in the meantime. I'm honestly not going to read it. I think the less attention I give the BRF the better off they are, unless they're doing something immoral/illegal (see: Woking pizza alibi). And I think at the end of the day, people will unfairly judge other people, especially public figures that have tragic pasts and are publically fighting with the media. A lot of it is going to be noise and I'm not going to give my energy into figuring it out. I like to think I've got a good sense of who they are as people - flawed but ultimately well meaning and earnest. I'm a huge admirer of Meghan and think Harry got really lucky with this one and I'm proud of him for choosing her in more ways than one. I believe Harry and Meghan are lovely people, and I 100% believe their interview. I believe that there are people in the palace with a lot of unchecked power who deliberately uncovered her and Archie from BRF protection for reasons of believed superiority over Meg & Arch. And they're figuring out how to deal with that as a couple and a family. And it's none of my business past that imo. I pray for them and hope it'll eventually end in peace for them all. Just wanted to add another perspective, and hopefully some levity. xx M

Hi, dear. First thing’s first, I really appreciate that this is off anon lol. I love it when people own their opinions, and it says a lot that you did. So thank you for that.

Second of all, I really appreciate the nuance and perspective that is in this message. I agree that the news is sensationalist, and my initial reaction was based off of that. I did watch the promotional clips of the interview and I believe it did sour my expectations going into it when I watched it nearly a week after it aired. I did my best to stay away from Tumblr because I didn’t want that to hinder my view, but it was impossible to separate the promotions that presented the information one way from what it actually was, and thank you for bringing that up with respect to the memoir because I hadn’t considered it. I will say that my knee jerk reaction is pretty on par with the way I still feel about it 24 hours later, especially since I got the news directly, not from Tumblr or Twitter or anywhere else, but you’re right that it could have soured my view from the very start.

I appreciate that he wants to take back some of the narrative but I think that ship has sailed, tbh. He did that with the interview and now I just think it feels like information overload. At some point, people are going to get tired of hearing the wealthy, privileged, powerful Prince complain about his life while more than 4 million people have died due to a global pandemic in less than 2 years. Not to say that he doesn’t struggle - in the words of Roxane Gay, there is no oppression Olympics (and that can be extended to struggle Olympics) - but people view it that way and will get tired of it, if they haven’t already.

I also agree that Harry’s past with the press has tarnished the way he has handled the media and the public post-exit, when he’s finally in a position to strike back without being somewhat obliged to them as part of the circumstances of his birth. I understand and sympathize with him but I just don’t think the public does, and the public matters much, much more than the perspective of one single American fan, to whom he’s never been obliged, and I simply do not think the public will afford him that same understanding, sympathy, and leniency. The public and the media are critical to his humanitarian work - his mother never realized that towards the end of her life, and I truly don’t think she would have been the martyr/saint she is perceived to be now if she had lived, because she did not know how to meet the media in the middle and eventually that started to piss people off. He’s starting to piss people off now and if it doesn’t bother him personally (which it definitely does), I don’t want it to affect his causes. The Invictus Games, Sentebale, Walking with the Wounded, WellChild, Mayhew, Smartworks, Archewell, etc. deserve better than to suffer the wrath of the media and an apathetic public because their patrons simply will not shut up lol.

I guess my point is that they will be unfairly judged (regardless, but especially due to the way they’re handling things), and I think it would suit them better in the long run if they adopted a different strategy. I really sympathize with the fact that he feels frustrated with the narrative that has been manufactured but I really, really think the narrative will only get worse and worse as he continues to go on and on about how badly his life sucks, basically. Again, I don’t deny that he struggles - we all do, some more than others, especially when there are mental health issues - but the public, to me, simply does not care. My own therapist has told me to simply stop caring about the things that I discuss with him. Not to say that they’re not relevant, important, or worthy of discussion - they absolutely are - but his point is that you cannot change people and you are wasting your energy and struggling yourself because you want to change them so, so, so badly that you’re neglecting your own self care in the process. I hate that I do it to myself and I also hate that he appears to be doing it to himself. I’m sure a lot of this conversation has been brought up in his own therapy, and I’m no professional, but I’m doing my best to heed the advice of my own therapist - which is the opposite of what Harry is doing - and it’s done wonders for me, when I actually can do it.

If there’s anything I know from this whole thing, it’s that Harry is absolutely punching above his weight, love him as I may, and that he adores, adores, adores his wife. He has chosen her from the very second she came into his life and I couldn’t want anything more for him or from her. I’m not going to lie, I would have been in this thing for any wife that Harry chose, because I was here long before Meghan specifically came into his life. However, I am glad every day that he chose her, that he loves her, that he wants to protect her, that she loves him back, that he lives the life with her that he’s wanted as long as I (and I’m sure he) can remember. I love her because he loves her, and I would have no matter what, because at the end of the day, it’s his happiness and comfort that matters to me, that has mattered to me since I discovered him and how wonderful he can be more than 7 years ago. What more could I ask of Meghan? What more, as his fan to the end (annoy me as he may), could I want for him? Who could say anything about her in that regard? If there’s anything that has come of this mess, to me, it’s that Harry loves, loves, loves his wife. I will always be happy for him and I will always be proud of him for choosing her, even if I don’t always agree with the way he goes about it.

I’m looking forward to peace, too. I cannot wait for things to just die out, for them to work things out as a couple and as a family, and for everyone to move on. The family will still do their thing and the Sussexes can do theirs, but I cannot deal with this back and forth, tit for tat, petty nonsense anymore. They’re wonderful and flawed, like the rest of them (except Andrew), and I just hope that they can all come to some kind of agreement or terms that lets this die down. It’s exhausting for everyone - themselves included. If I’m this tired, I can only imagine how tired they all are.

Thanks for stopping by, and sorry for the essay (essays, these past 24 hours lol). I really appreciate your kindness in this message, your presence in my notifications (I do see them!), your nuanced perspective and like I said before, I really, really appreciate that you own it!

[razanartuk]

about me tag game thing

i was tagged by the wonderful @nothingunrealistic! thank you very much ily <3

under read more bc i was not capable of keeping my answers brief this time around

why did you choose your url?

this...was supposed to be a short explanation but it turned into quite a tale so strap in i guess because we are going on a ride. back in 2017 i was just getting into musical theatre rp and i was still feeling too shy to really talk to anyone ooc so i would just wait for people i wanted to interact with to post starter calls so i could just do things in character with them the easy way. So i did this with my friend cam, who posted a starter for me using a lyric from If I Could Tell Her. she linked the song so i could listen to it, so i did and i went ‘wait a minute, is that Ben Platt from Pitch Perfect?? (and other things too, but i only recognized his voice at the time bc of the acappella girl movies)’ and yes it certainly was.

i had zero idea what the plot of Dear Evan Hansen was about at that point, and for some reason based off Just That One Song and the poster art of who i assumed was Some Guy in a Polo Shirt i started to think it was about some jock guy who broke his arm and had an emo/goth friend who had either died or gone missing under mysterious circumstances. also i intuited that Evan had a crush on his friend’s sister but he couldn’t tell her that directly or his emo friend would kick his ass. so i was like mostly wrong, but a little bit right.

oh and i knew jared and alana were characters from the show bc cam said that they were i think?? but i had no idea what their role was. so after listening to if i could tell her, i listened to good for you and all i really got out of that was that evan the apparently not-jock guy had done...something... that really hurt jared and alana. and at that point i finally decided to go look up a plot synopsis and i found out i was waaay off base. but honestly this is why cast recordings should include scene dialogue in the songs bc otherwise you just get soundtracks like dear evan hansen where the songs have like. zero context. we really just go from waving through a window to for forever to sincerely me without like. any reason as to what is happening huh. It’s honestly not a surprise anymore that all those people on twitter had no idea the plot isn’t about gay teenagers.

anyways. cam was writing jared and she made a post at one point about wishing somebody would write alana and i was like ‘oh i could do that!’ (after i had actually Seen a bootleg and finally knew what the whole story was, of course) so i made a multimuse rp blog featuring alana beck, nabulungi hatimbi, chloe valentine and some other characters, and cam started sharing her headcanons with me that alana is trans, jared and alana were close friends when they were little kids but they sort of drifted apart as they got older and their priorities in life changed, jared was the first person alana came out to when she realized she’s trans, etc.

one night i started talking about wanting to pick a more theatre-relevant url for my blog and trans-[character name] urls were getting pretty popular, and at least 3 of the friends i made through rp had changed theirs to coordinating trans-[character name] and i think it was cam suggested i should make mine be trans-alana so i did. eventually i realized the unhyphenated version was available so i changed it to transalana with no hyphen and i have lived here ever since. sometimes i think about changing it but i feel like transalana has become a part of My Brand and i am not so great with coming up with cool names for things.

any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them

in theory, i have sideblogs... i don’t really use them, but of the ones i do have, there is:

emsbookblog - this was supposed to be where i would post excerpts of the book that i’m working on, but i think i did that maybe one time roughly 2 years ago and then promptly forgot about it/got nervous about my writing and was scared to share anything else. the rest of the stuff that is there is assorted writing tips. i don’t really know what to do with it now. i probably should post all my little thoughts about em and anita and caleb there instead of infodumping on my main from time to time, but if i do that then i have to promo a sideblog and direct people over to it which is always annoying to me when i could just do it on this blog which is much easier

dearnovelhansen - this is basically no longer used, but was a sideblog i made specifically to talk/complain about the novel adaptation of Dear Evan Hansen which was about 3 years ago?? maybe? i can’t be trusted to understand the passage of time. but to summarize: i thought it was an honor just to have the story be made more accessible since many of us couldn’t see the stage performance, but i hated a lot of the creative liberties that were taken. my main grumbles are that everyone who isn’t evan or connor is done so dirty in the novel. connor’s still kind of done dirty in the book, but not as much as like. heidi, alana, jared, and zoe are.

horseisle3 - this one was meant to be a place where i could just enthusiastically post screenshots from hi3, but instead it turned into a blog where i occasionally reblog other players’ hi3 content and bitch about how bad the game admins are bc hi3 is the tumblr famous (infamous?) homophobic horse game. the game where it was once okay to call your club store the gulag bc according to their head of hr, ‘it’s just a russian word for prison’ but you can’t say ‘im gay’ without somebody accusing you of corrupting young children who play the game. unfortunately there aren’t very many good interactive horse games out there, so this one is still about as good as it gets. it’s either that or star stable and i don’t care about star stable.

mlaenie - i’ve had this url saved for i don’t even know how long. way way way back in the day when i wanted to escape from the clutches of the onceler fandom i abandoned my first blog where i basically had an alter ego i guess?? and i decided to just be myself on the new blog. i don’t fully remember who came up with it, but one of my sister’s mutuals suggested that if you scrambled the letters in your name you could come up with aesthetic-looking urls. so lauren’s url became lrauen, and to match with her mine became mlaenie, which i abandoned on tumblr after about a year or so? but have continued to use as my main username on twitter, reddit, youtube, xbox, steam, and discord. i barely ever use any of these accounts aside from twitter, steam, and xbox, but yeah. so i’ve decided to try and turn this empty sideblog into a place for video game thoughts maybe. we’ll see how long it lasts this time around.

how long have you been on tumblr?

i made my first tumblr account in december of 2010, but i didn’t understand how to use it at all or how to customize my theme to look cool and unique so i quickly abandoned it. i made a new account in september of 2011 after some kids at school and my sister told me i should and i have been trapped here with varying degrees of activity/inactivity ever since. i have witnessed the rise and fall of the lorax/onceler fandom, hyperfocused on lord of the rings, star wars and back to the future all at the same time, and for the past 4 years i’ve mostly been a musical theatre blog with assorted other fandom stuff mixed in. i feel i have seen everything and nothing, but mostly i’m just tired and bored.

do you have a queue tag?

no bc i don’t use a queue. i’ve tried using it in the past but i irrationally feel pressured to sustain a coherent theme to queued posts and my brain simply does not vibe with that so i just don’t use it at all anymore. Instead i instantly reblog or post several unrelated thoughts in succession and then don’t post again at all for 3 days. the way god intended

why did you start your blog in the first place?

my very first blog was intended to be a place for me to post all of my petz 5 animals’ profile info, but i didn’t have any understanding of how coding worked at all and i don’t think i really wanted to learn, either. so it just sat there, unused. my second attempt at blogging was as a classic rock fandom person, so as you can probably imagine i was pretty pretentious about ‘modern pop’ vs the beatles, the rolling stones, the who, the monkees, and so on. and then i slowly devolved into a lorax fandom blog and everything went to shit so i made a new blog for lord of the rings/the hobbit which later evolved to include star wars and back to the future blogging. and then for the past 4 years i’ve been mainly a musical theatre blog with other random stuff i like thrown haphazardly into the pot. wonderful.

why did you choose your icon/pfp?

because my url is transalana and two of my most prominent lgbt headcanons are that alana beck is trans and a lesbian. i gotta be shouting out @kinqmike though bc she’s the one i adopted the trans alana beck headcanon from in the first place!

why did you choose your header?

in 2017 i was hyperfixating on Dear Evan Hansen (and Be More Chill, but there weren’t many gif-able videos then considering it ran for a month in New Jersey in 2015 and there was only one yet-to-resurface 35 minute bootleg) so i just grabbed a random gif off of google. i really should get to replacing it with a new header of my own though. i just don’t know what i should do for it.

what’s your post with the most notes?

i have lost track of how many notes it has (i think it’s somewhere around 200 now?) but when Will Roland and George Salazar performed Two Player Game on Good Morning America, i posted a screencap of their Jeremy and Michael along with that one quiz answer meme that says stuff like ‘i want to see it grow up healthy’. i didn’t tag it with any ship names or anything because i was anxious about having it show up in the tags, but somebody who reblogged it from me did tag it as boyf riends and i firmly believe it took off because of that. i don’t think i make posts that are relevant enough to amass thousands of notes, even by accident. which is probably a good thing bc if i did i would have to block so many of them.

how many followers do you have?

on this blog? 175 according to the counter. how many of those are still real people and how many are bots and abandoned accounts? i have no idea.

how many people do you follow?

i try to keep it somewhere around 200. i think i’m sitting at 180 right now but i kind of need to go through and clear out the really inactive blogs.

have you made a shitpost?

let’s think about this for a second. i’ve been on tumblr for nearly 10 years. you might even be able to say i’ve made more than one. they’re just not what you would call...popular shitposts.

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ post?

that stuff makes me so incredibly anxious that i have to fight the urge to want to yeet my laptop or mobile device through the closest window whenever i read it, so i try very hard to avoid any sort of ‘if you don’t reblog this, i’m judging you’ posts. i find them very manipulative and not particularly helpful

do you like tag games?

yeah babey!! i just frequently forget to do them, but please know that if you have ever tagged me in a tag game i felt incredibly touched by the gesture and the @mention even if i completely forgot to do the thing afterward

do you like ask games?

i do! but also rip to literally anyone who has ever sent me an ask meme bc it takes me so long to answer them. i’m still working on a micro fic prompt from a few weeks ago. also, horrified to realized that it has in fact been a few weeks and not 3 days anymore.

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

i don’t know that any are tumblr famous as a whole. but probably @neverheardnothing

do you have a crush on a mutual?

in any sort of romantic connotation? no. not that i’m aware of. there are mutuals that i have friend crushes on where i want to be friends with them but i get so anxious when it comes to meeting new people that usually nothing ever comes of it. i’m really not good at small talk or other casual conversation either which, as you may or may not be able to imagine, sucks. i just wanna skip over all of the awkward introductions and ‘hey how are you, how is life, what are you doing with yourself?’ stuff. not because i don’t care about it. i do, but i think most of my friends/the people i want to be my friends are also depressed and anxious so asking these basic questions about life tends to uh. make us all nervous. and i don’t do much with my life so i always have the most boring answers anyways.

i’m not tagging anyone officially bc the @ thing has just completely given up on me at this point, but if you want to do it, go for it. and then say i tagged you so i can read it c:

[imaginationintowords]

Falling

Harry Styles x Famous!Reader angst

[Plot: inspired/loosely based on Harry’s song Falling. Harry and his famous ex sit down to talk, for the first time since their breakup years prior.]

[hope you guys like this. Started drafting this last month after I first heard Falling. Let me know what you think!]

To support my ko-fi

When Y/n was approached to do this interview she had agreed to do so, with an open mind. She was finally in a place where she could talk about what had happened without breaking down or feeling any kind of negative reaction. She had finally healed, properly in private over the past few years. She had finally moved on, found someone who treats her as their equal. But something stilled seemed off, it wasn't until her therapist brought up the idea of finally getting closure. Closure. She would finally be able to ask the questions she had let go, the insecurities that sometimes still loomed over her current relationship. So she agreed to do this artist on artist interview when approached by Variety.

Yes it was a way to promote the new movie that she is not only staring in, but co-wrote with one of her best friends. A movie inspired by heartbreak. She didn't do it for the promo though, the movie was already generating Oscar buzz. She is doing it for herself, to finally close this chapter once and for all. Once it was closed for good, everyone would stop hounding her about what had happened, and if there was any hope for reconciliation, even though she herself has been in a committed two year relationship. She needed to do this to show the world that she is more than just this person's ex.

She was more surprised to hear that he had agreed to do it. There was no one more private than Harry Styles.

This would be the first time they have seen and talked to each other since their breakup in December of 2015. The producers had asked if she wanted to meet him before they started shooting, she declined. If she was going to do this she was going to do this all the way.

The producers decided on having Harry waiting on set in front of the cameras, then Y/n would walk in and greet him. They wanted to keep it as natural as they possibly can in a room filled with cameras and people. The setup was perfect for an intimate one on one. No one off camera was going to be allowed to give any input. It was all on Harry and Y/n to keep the conversation going. Last minute they decided to only have a limited of people in the room, to respect the two artists who were about to bare it all out. So in the end it would be two camera guys, the director, one producer, Harry and Y/n's manager, Harry's mum Anne, who had decided to come last minute, and the two main acts.

"You ready?" Cat, Y/n's manager, asked her as the sound guy finished putting her mic on.

"Yeah. I am." Y/n nodded, looking at herself one final time, before they began the short walk to set.

When Y/n walked in she was greeted by the director and producer, politely shaking their hands. She immediately felt his eyes on her from where he sat in front of the cameras, patiently waiting for her. For once in her life she actually wasn't nervous, she had been nervous the last couple of weeks leading up to this, but right now as she listens to the director explaining what's going to happen, she feels a sense of relief, to finally get the closure she deserves.

Harry on the other hand was a bundle of nerves, he hasn't been able to sleep properly since he agreed to do this. He had only agreed because he wasn't expecting Y/n to agree to do it. She had kept his name out of her mouth in the media since the day they broke up. He had a feeling she and her team also had him blacklisted, any media outlet forbidden to ask Y/n questions about him and their failed relationship.

When he had heard she agreed to do it, he could have sworn his heart stopped for a second. He was actually going to have to do this. That scared the shit out of him. He would have to be vulnerable in front of not just the world, but the girl that he had broken. The girl that still to this day occupied his mind from time to time. The girl that he couldn’t help but compare all the other girls after to. The girl that he still wrote songs about to this day. The girl that just by being in the same room as her had him falling in love all over again. 

The second he saw her enter the room, his heart stopped, his breath got caught in his throat. Everything just stood still. She had always had that affect on him. Making him fall just by the sight of her. He was finally able to see her beauty again in person, photos online didn't do her any justice. She was what the media called, "the girl next door" beautiful, everyone adored her, everyone wanted a chance to be with her, and yet she was oblivious to it all. Never truly believing she was as beautiful as everyone made it seem, and in some way that was probably his fault, for not making her believe she was truly that beautiful.

It took everything in his power not to go over to her and embrace her. He had to will himself to stay in his seat, until she approached him.

She finally made her way over to him, well more to her seat across from him.

Harry had started to get up, until he realized he wouldn't be getting the same greeting that everyone else got, so he sat back down, slightly embarrassed.

"Hi." She softly greeted him, as she sat in her seat.

"Hi." Now that she was in front of him, he had no idea what to say or how to begin all of this.

"Nervous?" She asked him.

She always did know him so well.

"Very. You?" He lightly laughed, making eye contact with her for the first time in years. Just like that he can’t help himself but to fall for her 

"A little. More curious than anything." She honestly answered, willing herself to forget about the cameras around.

"Really? Why so?" Harry asked, taken back by her answer.

"There's a lot of unanswered questions between us and I think we owe it to each other to find those out. So I'm curious to see what your take was on everything."

"Right." He started to get more nervous.

This was going to be a very emotional hour, for the both of them.

There was a beat of silence, then Y/n took a deep breath and began.

"How about we start easy then. How have you been? And don't give me that politically correct Harry Styles bullshit. Truthfully how have you been?" She asks, which causes Harry to let out a snort laugh.

"I've actually been good. Finishing up this new album. Working my ass on it. But I'm very proud of it. Really let my guard down this time."

"Difficult isn't it? Having to let your guard down, afraid of what everyone is going to make of it. But I guess that's why we do it, huh." She states.

"Exactly. I mean an album is nothing compared to writing a whole feature film. Talk about being vulnerable. I can't imagine doing that." Harry praises her. He remembers when she had told him years ago, during the first year of their relationship, that she and her best friend were writing a movie together.

"Yeah. That wasn't easy. We went through many, many drafts. Originally we wanted to write a romantic comedy. It wasn't until-" She stops herself, forgetting for a second who she was talking to.

"Until?" he presses her to continue, having a feeling of what her answer was going to be.

"It wasn't until we broke up that we decided a romantic comedy wasn't what we needed to write. I couldn't write one, not after that." She honestly answered.

"Why is that?"

"Because after our break up, the only thing I could write about was heartbreak. And not that cheesy sugarcoated shit, the real honest truth heartbreak. It just started to flow out of me, as soon as I started to type, that's what came out. So that's when we decided to change the idea of the movie. If we were going to put out a movie about breakups, it was going to be about great big breakups. Not just the bad ones. Not just the good ones, if those even exist. The ones that change a person. The ones that shake you to your core. The ones that don't seem possible to recover from. The ones that have you questioning, how can you ever fall out of love with someone you had planned to spend the rest of your life with. Those kinds of breakups. The everlasting ones." Y/n felt her eyes began to tear up as she described her inspiration. She took a breath to calm her nerves.

"Wow." Harry responded, feeling himself get choked up.

"I'm sorry." he apologized.

"For what?" Y/n asked, taken back by his apology. His long overdue apology.

"For the way our relationship ended. I'm sorry." He tearfully apologized.

"Our relationship was long over before we ended it. We should've ended our relationship before it got bad, but I think we were both holding onto something we both thought we could salvage. But we were just too far gone. We were just too young. I loved you, I was scared."

"Selfishly I didn't want to let you go, because I couldn't bare the thought of you loving someone else. Selfishly, I still can't bare the thought of you loving someone else." He truthfully tells her.

"That's unfair of you."

"Do you hate me?" Harry asked, the one question he's been dying to ask. If he didn't ask it now, he wouldn't have the guts to ask it later on. Better to just rip the band-aid off.

"Hate is such a powerful word. Small, but powerful. But I did. Not anymore. But yeah, I hated you. I think you know, slash, knew that. I wanted nothing to do with you. The way we ended, it shattered me. Then to see the pictures of you with another girl less than a month later. I wanted nothing but to hate you."

The answer knocked the wind out of him a little, he always assumed she hated him, but the confirmation just broke him.

"In the past almost four years, I've learned a lot about myself. Who I am without you. Who I was with you. Looking back on it, I didn't like who I was with you. I loved you so much, that I would do whatever you asked of me. Looking back, I don't even know who that girl was. I can't even fathom that i was like that. I was more mad that I had let myself become like that. I had always prided myself in being an independent woman, especially back then. But that definitely wasn't the case. I had lost myself to you.

Looking back on it now, it wasn't real. Who we were in public versus who we were behind closed doors.  We would be all happy out in the world but the second we got home, and those doors closed behind us, we just shut each other out. You shut me out. You were seeking comfort from other. When I should have been the one you ran to. You had written songs about being able to run to me for anything, but that wasn't the truth. It became pretty clear that we weren't happy anymore. That you weren't happy anymore in the relationship."

"I was." Harry retorted, feeling upset that that's how she felt.

"No you weren't. If you were, you wouldn't have done what you did. You wouldn't have said what you said. I wouldn't have left in such a haste that final night. You weren't happy. Neither was I. And it's okay to admit that." She calmly said.

Her calm demeanor was starting to make him a bit uncomfortable. He definitely wasn't expecting her to be so calm about this all. Especially since the last time they talked was a screaming match. But then looking back on it now, it was just a one person screaming match, and that ball laid on his court.

"You don't talk about me." He states, trying to regain his composure.

"No, I don't. I couldn't because it was too hard. Especially at the beginning. So I just had any talk of you blacklisted. It was better that way. It isn't the world's business to know what happened. At least not then." she softly laughs signaling to the cameras.

"It's what I needed to heal. Now if someone mentions you, I don't feel the same as I once did. It doesn't break me. Truthfully, until someone mentions you, I kind of forget."

"Sorry." she apologizes, when she sees his reaction to her answer.

"Have you listened to any of my solo stuff?"

"No. I couldn't. And as time went by I didn't feel the need to. I think it's better that way."

"Didn't you ever get curious?"

"No. My friends told me about it. Even said you slipped my name in one of the songs. Which I think, at the time, just added more fuel to the fire."

"Really?"

"Not everyone is going to find that endearing, Harry. Especially not with the way we ended. I didn't want to hear you playing the victim." She explains to him, a little offended by his reaction.

"I wasn't." He defended himself.

"Right. We were both at fault, but last time I checked you were the one moving on after a few short weeks. At that moment, when I heard you name dropping me, and then to see the comments online, it made me so mad. And it was a set back to my own healing. Here you are telling the world how heartbroken you are, but then you are just out in the open with a new girl, no worries on how that would make me feel." she emotionally tells him, with tears in her eyes.

"Which took me some time to realize that you didn't owe me anything. We were no longer together. You were free to do whatever you pleased, with whoever you pleased. I had to accept that I had no right in the decisions that you made post-us." she calms down.

"We were never meant to last forever. I see that now." she expresses what she had learned years ago, the revelation that finally allowed her to move on.

“You’re going to need to stop doing that.” she tells him, he could feel the pity.

“Stop what?”

“Writing songs about me. You need to let me go.” she informs him.

"Do you ever regret our relationship?" he bluntly inquires.

"No. It taught me some valuable things about myself, and about relationships. Do you?" she asks back.

"Never." He says.

There was a moment of silence. No one sure if the conversation is over, as it had already been an hour since they began. The director was about to call cut, when Harry spoke up.

"I'm scared that you'll never need me again." he truthfully says, tears brimming his eyes.

"That shouldn't scare you. You should want nothing but the best for me, like I wish nothing but the best for you." she explains, her eyes matching the same emotion as him, feeling the end of the conversation close by.

"Are you happy?"

"Truthfully? Yes."

"Do you see us ever getting back together?" his bottom lip trembles a bit.

"No." She truthfully answers, a few tears escaping.

"Does he make you happy?"

"Yes." she smiles, at the mention of her current partner.

"Is he the one?" he asks as the tears fall down his cheeks, afraid of the answer that's about to come out of her mouth.

"Yes. He's the one." she bites down on her bottom lip to keep herself from crying out.

"I still love you." he confesses, crying.

"I know." she bittersweetly discloses.

She gives him one final smile, before she gets up and gives his hand a comforting pat, as she makes her final exit out of his life for good.

[Permanent tagged: Permanent tagged: @definitelynotafangirl @1awesomeash @princess-evans-addict @geeksareunique @sebbbystaaan if you’d like to be removed just ask and I’d be happy to do so]

[sierrabinondo]

2020

damn my last tumblr post is the last day of woodland creatures, did i not do a 2019 wrap up?? i feel like i did. oh well lmao

so, arguably the most tumultuous year in modern history (at least, american history- all pandemic and political events considered) is about to come to a close. it was very not fun experiencing a pandemic as millions lost their loved ones to covid. i was part of the 20% of people that became unemployed as a result of the economy taking a huge dump. i would not want to experience this same year again if it meant that every life lost could be saved. with the year i was given, i made the best out of it that i could. 

like every other person on this earth (except for where the virus was already spreading), this year started out normal as hell for me. i was hating my job but chugging through each week, with the occasional show to worry about and then planning our band’s 2020 release plans. despite my salaried job, i was barely making enough to put anything away in savings, forthcoming disney trip aside. i really felt like i was putting in all this work at a full time job just to barely stay afloat and it grated at my soul. i don’t dream of labor, and i only take jobs like this because nothing i am passionate about truly makes money and the marketing jobs i would actually care about are never available to me/never come to fruition after submitting myself for consideration. 

disney was a huge highlight of my year despite being deathly sick. i keep wondering if i had covid (i never figured it out), but it sure as hell felt like it. i feel like if i did have it i would have passed it on to jeremiah and his family but i didn’t. i could still kinda taste, but not smell because i had the worst sinus infection i ever had in my entire fucking life. like i know i get them a lot but really, holy shit. i really had it bad. it started when we were in the studio the 2nd to last weekend of february on the last studio day. i had to go back to the studio several months later because i was that unsatisfied with how the vocals came out. i didn’t want to fuck up these releases and have my performance be mid so i was willing to pay to have to re-do everything. i assumed if this was like any other sinus infection, it would go away in a week.

lmao.

i had that infection for THREE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS. i played a show with that monster sinus infection, and went to disney with it. i went two weeks without meds because i really was convinced it would go away on its own. before we left for disney i finally got antibiotics at urgent care and couldn’t drink most of the trip which sucked. but that finally did the job, and the infection waned when we returned from disney. despite being physically weak, in pain (there was one friday my body pains were so horrible that jeremiah contemplated taking me to the hospital), and leaking snot all over my sleeves the entire trip (LIKE IT WAS THAT UNCONTROLLABLE. I HAD NEVER GONE THROUGH THAT MANY PACKS OF TISSUES IN MY LIFE. I WAS LEAKING SO MUCH I HAD TO LOCATE THE BABY CHANGING STATION IN MAGIC KINGDOM. IT WAS LIKE A SECRET STERILIZED TROVE OF HAND SANITIZER, WIPES, TISSUES AND BABY OIL.) i had an amazing time at disney. and it was my first time going with a significant other so it was incredibly fun. it was also a wonderful opportunity to spend time with his family. the only very not fun part was missing our nephew in the main street parade because some bozos fucked up the info they gave my sister-in-law and we were out walking around when his high school band had actually marched earlier than we thought.

it’s funny, because that weekend after we returned was the last weekend of “freedom” everyone had before lockdown. we were weary of covid while in florida but still living it up on vacation. at that time, there had only been 3 cases in orlando. 3!!!! i had plans to go to a party once home but i cancelled only because i still wasn’t completely out of the woods and 100% well again. i felt so bad cancelling because it was for my friend’s party and she never really did parties usually :( and i thought it wouldn’t be a good idea considering i may or may not have had covid. 

then... the following week came. 

monday we got a weird email from our CEO saying there was going to be salary cuts and that it was essential for the company to survive a downturn. i pouted but my parents consoled me saying it was better than nothing; maybe look for a new job. and then- i got the nothing! a day or two later, i was let go. and i could tell my manager was absolutely not souped to be giving me this call at all. she literally prefaced it like, “this sucks, but-” and gave me the news. and i was utterly devastated, sobbing controllably, because i was just scraping by on this income to begin with. and i had JUST, finally, received health insurance through this job. i was asked to continue working through friday the 20th, which i would be paid for, and then i would have to return my laptop and any other work materials (like printouts and promo stuff) i had possession of. 

that day and the days following i had coworkers calling me or emailing me telling me they were so sorry. i was the first to be let go, and they were kind enough to extend words of encouragement to me. clients i worked closely with, a couple of them around my age, assured me that i could use them as a reference. many of my colleagues were my higher-ups, but were very down-to-earth people. one call that stuck out to me was from my colleague sarah. 

sarah was candid with me and said, “y’know how i was unemployed for 6 months?” i knew this well though we had only worked together for a year and a half; it was an important part of her path to where she was in her career now and why she chose it. she continued, “those were the best 6 months of my life.” 

and i would come to find out that yes, me too being unemployed was the best fucking time of my entire goddamn adult life.

when i posted i was officially unemployed i had an outpouring of support from my friends, and received enough animal crossing commissions to pay one month’s rent. the first day i finally felt peace was when i was sitting on my porch on an abnormally warm march day playing animal crossing following my last day at my company. it was like the universe was giving me a hug and telling me everything was going to be all right.

what would come was a pretty chaotic couple of months. jeremiah, my roommate and i would stay up until 3 am either watching anime or playing video games, subsequently sleeping until 11 am or noon. pair having fun, drinking (mostly me lmao) and lounging about with the scary realization that thousands of people every day were dying of covid and it could be my high-risk parents. i would cry at night and be so fucking scared. my sibling would tell me my family was being reckless, running unnecessary errands, and whenever my dad showed up to drop off food or necessities i would cry because i couldn’t hug him. i’m even getting choked up thinking about it now. and it was a fear that returned during the second spike around the holidays because it is the loss i fear the most.  

amidst this really horrible time, i would play games almost every other night online with my friends and it was so much fucking fun because all of us were either unemployed, furloughed or working from home. we’d laugh so goddamn hard our voices were hoarse. one of my favorite memories is playing quiplash with the creatureposting gang and then my big friends from college. and a really fun night in particular was SIIE release night, i popped a bottle of champagne and got absoluely zonked lmao. every few days i would have something to look forward to, some sort of virtual plans with my friends. this would continue until july when my friends were slowly starting to go back to work.

most of my early quarantine days were as follows: wake up, watch anime, work on commissions for most of the day, order extremely good food for delivery, play video games, and then bed. at one point commissions became so overwhelming i started to get slower at churning them out. though this became a daunting project, WOW it really forced me to become a better artist. and this year i got to spend so much more time drawing, which was fantastic. 

one thing i DID NOT spend a lot of time on at all? ugh. MUSIC. FUCKING MUSIC. i barely touched my guitar, stopped writing lyrics after july, and barely completed the instrumentals for about 3 songs. the only thing i consistently practiced was singing (because i would literally curl up and die if i didn’t). do you have any idea how much i blabbed to my therapist in 2019 about how much i would get done if i didn’t work full time and could just focus on my creative endeavors? and then life HANDED that shit to me on a silver platter the following year. i really did nothing insane musically with my time. and now i am really kicking myself for it. if i think about it, it was mostly because i was so exhausted from doing AC commissions, and partly because i was really intimidated about the prospect of struggling through songwriting. now i really wish that i had tried. 

one thing i started doing this year was streaming. i originally planned to just do it for fun, because i am horrible at video games and i really didn’t expect much out of it. i thought it would be cool if my friends could watch me play animal crossing. and then i unfortunately learned that this 3rd expensive pasttime is actually really, really, really fun. i started to spend half my week streaming and it led me to either getting closer to some online friends i only talked to a lil previously and making new friends. viewers would ask me if i continue to stream after the pandemic was over, and i enthusiastically assured them i would. and i meant it. even with the difficulties of returning to work and the band playing shows again considered, i really wanted to. i don’t get invited to things anymore anyway, so fuck it if that’s what i stand to lose lmao.

when the curve flattened in jersey i decided to become lenient again and start meeting with my bandmates. we spent the year trying to finish some new material and chip away at what work we have to do for the full length (yes, a full length). we had plans to tour this year and it sucks that fell through. we also had plans to do so much more content during the pandemic and we faltered under the stress of... well, existing in a pandemic. we did finally get to drop a new single though, and the difference in hype now vs when we dropped our last work was incredible. i am so thankful we were able to build an audience with nothing new for two years. i still often beat myself up because god every day i look around me, at our peers, and wonder where the fuck we’ve gone wrong to have such a slow build. and even daily just trying to stand out and prove that we have cut our teeth/deserve a chance is so demoralizing. i feel like it’s even worse than before. i literally have to talk to myself out loud, both alone and during interviews lmao, to remind myself that we truly have accomplished so much. and to take in and appreciate the little positive things. because this could all be over in a second. and this won’t be forever. the older we get the more we are risking for this, both time and resources, and it won’t do to let myself get bogged down over my inner competitive voice. but god it’s hard. like even with new music we still didn’t even TOUCH any of the goal numbers we set for ourselves in may. though we did put out less music than we had planned, and we really hope to change that in 2021 forreal. 

there was a single we were supposed to put out this year that’s on hold due to some pending assets but goddamn. if we really don’t break some sort of ceiling with this one i don’t know what will. i have the strongest gut feeling about the next single and in my opinion, it’s the best one we’ve had to date. when we play it at shows, the air in the room sometimes shifts. i’m eager to see what the response is and i’m so ready to push it with everything i have.

fuck this is getting so much longer than i planned i have to try to wrap this up lmao.

with our government stimmy money we turned around and got the dog of our dreams. we figured, i’d be home enough to watch him, and it was finally goddamn time. it’s why we moved into a house and not into another apartment. i was so scared meeting the puppy parents, and totally on edge the entire day. we went out to meet the breeder to test my allergies and see how i would react. samoyeds are not 100% perfectly hypoallergenic, but they were often lauded for being so. honestly? i still didn’t feel confident after two hours with the dogs because the pollen out there was bad (one of my WORST allergies) and i had mysterious hives on my arms i couldn’t figure out where they came from. for months jeremiah and my parents had to calm my nerves and remind me i lived with 3 cats before i moved out (i’m more allergic to cats) and that i would be fine. i had to do a lot of work on myself to get out of my own way about being excited about finally owning the dog of my dreams.  

this little fucking boy. i couldn’t believe he was real. neither in the pictures i often looked at about 20 times a day on the breeder’s facebook page nor when we went to meet him. and he was truly, truly perfect. our little shithead. when we went to go pick him out, he sat apart from his puppy pile of brothers, sniffing around the room and trying to rip off his ribbon collar. we locked eyes and he fuCKING APPROACHED ME. i could not fathom any other puppy in the room being brawly. this was the one. we could already tell he was a mischevious smartass, because once he untied his ribbon he proceeded to rip off the ribbons of all the other puppies. but he was the cutest, flopping over on his back when you were near to get belly rubs. 

ever since we have picked him up he has simultaneously been the biggest joy in our lives and the most source of stress lmao. that first week, and the next couple, werE FUCKING ROUGH.  i had a horrible anxiety attack when i couldn’t calm him for bedtime the first saturday he was home and i was loudly sobbing to jeremiah that i couldn’t handle this shit lmao. he was so scared i was having regrets but i am just a fucking anxious wreck and not used to having a DOG!! this is my first dog!!! but while i can remember what life was like before him i cannot imagine going back. the first time he got sick and we took him to the emergency vet i cried so hard. when he is wagging his tail happy to see me and he looks like a fuckin seal because his ears are folded back it is the best feeling. i’m so excited for when he gets older and we’re vaccinated for covid so that we can take him on so many adventures. he is truly the best.

there is so much more i want to say but this is long as shit. this is even painful for me to read lmao. it’s always been for me, a guy with dogshit memory, to remember everything, but so, so much happened. so i’m gonna wrap up the real descriptive stuff with this.

being unemployed allowed me to just experience life. to wake up each day, enjoy the sun in my backyard, have time to try new recipes, go for long walks, GET A DOG, get better at art, get better at singing, spend more time with friends (virtually), bond even harder with my amazing, beautiful boyfriend, create amazing work with my bandmates, improve at video games, connect with people all over the world, and so much more. all my life i let money dictate my every move. i am insanely privileged to have experienced this but when i had to just live within my means off unemployment i did just fine. i once believed i was perpetually indebted to my employer when i was discarded like it was nothing. i can get a job anywhere and be fine. it strengthened my class consciousness and while i have control over my own destiny it is our country that has so royally screwed us of living the lives we should be living. our lives do not revolve around labor. so until we win the fight and get what we deserve, i will be returning to work next month (full time... in commercial real estate.... again), but i will do whatever it takes to replicate the everlasting feeling of joy i felt this year for the rest of my godforsaken life. if that means struggling for 2021 to build up my twitch channel and the band, working 9 hour days and then streaming/writing music for another 4, so be it. i felt from a young age i was not destined to live a normal life and that feeling has stayed with me no matter how much i have tried to play the game of life as i have been told. i finally have the confidence to pave the life i want.

so, if you are here at this very spot because you read everything, thank you. if you are here because you scrolled to see how long this was, here’s the TLDR of my best parts of 2020:

- tapping out cover

- the 2 shows we played lmao, maybe 3 tops

- disneyworld

- ACNH outside on the porch on release day in warm weather

- making banana bread

- learning how to BRINE meats

- watching anime until 3 am, namely the time we watched pokemon journeys until 3 am 

-watching so. much. anime. 

-watching livestream concerts with my friends (the chon one was a real good time)

-playing jackbox with my creatureposting friends, the volcano saga (if u know u know)

-playing jackbox with my big friends

-the first time we ever had panchos and juanchos

-finally having sushi again after painful cravings and being grumpy

-the first time we had chinese food again after the lockdown began

-hitting the punching bag for the first time in forever (my dad bought me one)

-the first time we had ramen in forever

-surprising joe with cake at his doorstep for his birthday (we thought he would be the only one with a pandemic birthday lmao)

-playing monopoly and wheel of fortune on the switch, surprisingly having fun

-jeremiah’s birthday

-getting PAID for my ART

-writing + recording ONE (1) acoustic demo

-finally finishing the singles, fixing the vocals 

-shooting band promos

-unus annus

-meeting samoyeds

-meeting BRAWLY

-streaming except for the times 13 year olds cyberbullied me

-my birthday when my mom got me a terrifying singing birthday candle contraption and my sibling curbstomped the shit out of it (i was literally crying laughing like that kind of noiseless laugh cause you’re laughing that hard)

- getting the stamp of approval from andrew wells and anthony green 

-my friends having their first baby!!!

-dying from thanksgiving charceuterie board

-that week i binged ghibli movies on an hbo max trial and did nothing else

-filling the front porch with plants and most of them SURVIVING the fall, possibly winter but we’ll see in 2021 lmao

- (in general) nailing riffs i fucking sing over and over when practicing but prob won’t get down good enough to sing in front of others lmao

-solo inflatable pool hangs

-thursdays with sarah in the fall playing with the puppy

-the release of the first WSA single in two and a half years

-virtual movie night with sarah watching happiest season

-the music video shoots

-brawly experiencing CHRISTMAS

-receiving really thoughtful gifts from jerry and my parents

-deciding i would work towards being a full time streamer to supplement being a musician

[13lov]

lucy (m)

pairing: pornstar!taehyung, tattooed!taehyung x pornstar!reader

genre: pornstar au, humor, smut, light f2l, angst if you squint.

word count: 8,305

summary: after reading a few more titles of the videos you’ve uploaded, taehyung has come to the conclusion that you’re the hottest fucking dumbass he’s ever seen and so desperately wants to fuck.

warning(s): smut (masturbation, sex toys, unprotected sex, fingering, creampies ; mention of: face fucking, squirting, gxg), !ENDGAME SPOILERS!.

a/n: inspired by that video of taehyung with the fake tattoos…good lord… sorry i posted this later than i said i would, some stuff came up :( not proofread so i apologize for mistakes.

With one final thrust into the petite girl beneath him, Taehyung was fast to pull his dick completely out of her with the sigh of relief. Sure, he sighed because it was in the script, but he would’ve done it even if it weren’t apart of the porno.

He flopped on the bed, right next to the girl who was playing the role of his horny step-sister. He visualized the script in his head, and waited a few seconds before turning to his co-star and saying, “I gave you what you wanted, now, can I have my skateboard back?”

“AND CUT!” the director yells, standing up from his chair across the room. Taehyung’s manager, Seokjin, enters the set with a bathrobe in one hand and water bottle in the other and hands Tae both. “Everyone did a great job today! Remember to report back here tomorrow at two for the promo shoot, got it?!” the director asks, and everyone confirms they’ll be there.

Taehyung stands up from the messy bed to put on his bathrobe while his former co-star, Rosie, covers herself in the sheets. ‘If you’re so fucking shy, why are you doing porn?’Taehyung thinks to himself, annoyed.

“You did really good, I enjoyed it. And, you’re an amazing actor. Not many stars are good at acting, but you are.” Rosie compliments sweetly and Taehyung feels bad for what he originally thought of her.

“Thanks,” is all he can say to her because (1) he can’t compliment her back because it would be a lie and there’s no need for that, (2) he’s not interested in talking to her, and (3) he’s ready to head back to his trailer and take a shower. “See you tomorrow,” he adds, because he doesn’t want to seem like one of those stuck-up pornstars he hates so badly.

He then leaves the rented airbnb home and takes the quick walk to his trailer with Jin right by his side. “What’d you think?” Taehyung asks.

Seokjin makes a face as he thinks of an answer. “It was…decent. Not your best.”

Tae scoffed, offended, “It wasn’t my porn, I’m only here to get her some clout. You think I enjoy wasting my time with newbies when I could be with a professional? Hell no!” his rant goes on as he approaches his white trailer, opening the door and holding it so Jin can walk in first (because he’s polite like that).

“Then why film with newbies when you hate it so much? Oh wait, because their team is willing to pay big money for the number one pornstar on ‘nexxxtdoor.com’. That’s why.” Seokjin stated once he entered the trailer and sat on the white couch, Taehyung following shortly behind.

Jin was right, Tae was the number one star on the number one porn site in the country. Maybe people were drawn to his blonde mullet that was usually accompanied by one of his many headbands, or maybe it was the floral tattoos decorated nicely across his neck that drove people crazy. But it was probably just the plain old fact that Taehyung was hot, had a pretty dick, and knew how to use it.

“You’re damn right about that,” Tae says, stripping himself of his bathrobe and little clothing. He doesn’t bother to lock to door of the trailer or even cover himself up in front of Seokjin; everyone had already seen him naked, all boundaries have burned down.

“God, I’m so hot,” Jin says suddenly, and Taehyung looks over to see his manager has moved to stand directly in front of the mirror above the couch, looking directly at his reflection. “Maybe I should start doing porn just to give you a run for your money.”

“Ha!” Taehyung laughs, walking to the standing shower and turning on the hot water. “As gorgeous as you are, I’m a pretty tough guy to beat. Aren’t those two guys still fighting for second place? What are their names?” Taehyung snaps his fingers as tried to remember the names of the two porn stars fighting for second place like a bunch of losers.

“Suga, and uh, that Jimin guy. But they actually dropped a few places…” Seokjin’s tone changed, he seemed nervous.

“Oh, yeah?” Tae asked, stepping into the hot shower, “Have people finally gotten bored of them?” He grabs the white bar of soap from its appropriate holder and begins to cleanse himself, starting off with his neck and shoulders.

“Not exactly, people still like them, there’s just this…uh…”

“Spit it out, Jin.” Taehyung demands, moving the bar of soap down to his chest and belly. Small, white bubbles form at the surface but are quickly washed away with the water pouring down from the shower head.

“There’s this new girl who’s going viral really quick; she’s number two.” Jin admits with a nervous cough.

“A girl,” Taehyung repeats, “I like girls. She must be pretty good if she’s growing so quickly.” It’s true; (Taehyung does indeed like girls) it took Tae two years to become number one on nexxxtdoor, so whoever was able to pass stars as good as Jimin and Suga in such a short amount of time had to be fucking amazing.

“She sure is…something. Her name is ‘Lucy Fer’; look her up when you get home. But, yeah, I’m off to go pick up your next script; see you later.” Jin leaved without another word, and Taehyung is still in the shower.

“Lucy Fer…” he repeats in a whisper, “Lucy Fer…”

Taehyung does as he’s told later that night and types in the name of his possible nemesis on nexxtdoor.com. He clicks the little arrow and the search results pop up in a matter of seconds; your channel popping up in full display.

LUCY FER  ✓ @lucy_fer im basically a youtuber that taker her clothes off hehe </3 4.7M Subscribers | 192 Videos | Joined 1 Year Ago

Taehyung is confused by your biography, but decides he’ll find out what you mean after looking at some of your videos. And, just by the titles alone, he can see why so many people enjoy watching you:

FUCKING MYSELF WITH A DILDO WHILE I THINK ABOUT MY FUCKBOY EX :( 1,343,400 views

FAILED MATH CLASS BUT I STILL KNOW HOW TO SQRT **NOT CLICKBAIT** 3,473,621 views

ex bf fucks my face while frank ocean plays in my airpod$!!# (ft. namjoooooon) 2,372,084 views

After reading a few more titles of the videos you’ve uploaded, Taehyung has come to the conclusion that you’re the hottest fucking dumbass he’s ever seen and so desperately wants to fuck.

It’s weird for him to feel desperate for the girl literally coming for his career, especially when he hadn’t even seen you in action yet. And for that reason, he doesn’t like you. Does he think you’re hot? Yes. Does he want to fuck you? Of course. Does he dislike you? Actually, yes, but only becaus you’re

He sighed, straightening up in his desk chair as he kept his eyes on the illuminated screen in front of him. Curiosity got the best of him and soon enough, he was scrolling past all of your videos until he gets to your very first one:

GIRL GETS SUPER WET AFTER FEELING APPRECIATED 15,192,604 views

He notices that in every thumbnail, you’re wearing a pair of red devil horns and when you’re very rarely accompanied by someone else, they’re also wearing their own set of horns, identical to yours. Even in your display picture, it’s an up-close photo of you, your hair is down and it’s dripping wet, the devil horns are on full display, and your tongue is stuck out with a lit lighter dangerously close to it.

You’re the devil. Satan. Lucifer. Lucy Fer and oh, he finally understands your stage name.

He smiles lightly and shakes his head in realization. Taehyung’s about to close the laptop and call it a night - he has a long day tomorrow - but, he decides just watching oneof videos wouldn’t hurt. I mean, you are his competition, right? He has to see why you’re so popular.

Taehyung scrolls for a few seconds before clicking on a video titled “masturbating and crying about how broke i am (ft. namjoon aka my ex bf lol)“.

The video buffers quickly, taking Taehyung by surprise. For some reason he pauses it, grabs his laptop whole, and makes his way over to his king-sized bed. He tells himself it’s because he’s going to fall asleep afterwards, but he knows that he’s retreated to the bed for other reasons.

Once he’s in a comfortable position with the Macbook in front of him, Tae finally hits the triangle-shaped button and the video plays.

Your bed and pillows are the only thing in the frame at first, then you step in and sit on the edge of the bed. You’re wearing a red skater skirt that’s a tad bit short, a lacy, black bralette, and your signature devil horns.

You stare at the camera in silence for awhile and Taehyung wonders when you’re finally gonna get down to business. That’s when the camera suddenly zooms in on your face, on the single tear that comes from your left eye and makes its way down your cheek.

"Oh,” Tae says, shocked. He wasn’t actually expecting you to cry, though the title said you would.

The camera zooms from out of your face and goes back to the full body shot of you on the bed. “Why the fuck am I so broke?” you ask, there’s a smile on your face, but another tear slips from your eyes. Taehyung then decides for himself that you are a fucking maniac.

With the way the video is edited, Tae feels like he’s watching one of those popular YouTubers; like Emma Chamberlin or Antonia Garza. Your bio had described you perfectly: you truly were just a YouTuber who took her clothes off, and everyone (including Taehyung) loved it. It was a great idea on your part, since literally no one else made homemade porn the way you did.

With you, it felt so natural and relatable and not at all like the washed-up pornstars that came before you. Your viewers loved you, and they were so attached to you. Though you considered yourself to be just another lost, twenty-three year old, your viewers thought you were perfect because of how honest you are. Being so close to them, you didn’t even mind when they called you Y/N, your real name.

Even at times when you weren’t uploading videos or going live on nexxxtdoor, you held a PG-13 rated Instagram live that allowed you to speak to your supporters on a less intense platform.

You were thankful for them, and they were thankful for you.

In the screen in front of him, Taehyung watches and listens as you talk about your card getting declined at Starbucks as you unclasp your bra. You pull the black straps down slowly until they completely fall off your arms, your boobs spilling out nicely. Your nipples are hard because of how cold it is in your apartment, but you let the people watching think it’s because you’re horny.

Though only the top half of your body is bare, Taehyung still admires you. Many of the girls had had worked with had fake boobs or a fake ass for the most part, not that it was a bad thing, it was just nice to see something he wasn’t used to.

You’re complaining again, this time about how you received a parking ticket that morning and you have no clue how you’re gonna pay for it with the amount of student debt you’re in. With a sigh, you wipe away another pathetic tear before turning on all fours with your ass in view of the camera; the black thong underneath your skirt hardly hiding anything.  

Your hand reaches under your pillow and pulls out a white vibrator. It looks dull and worn out, but no one really expecting you to have a top of the line one that costs $100.

“The police officer that gave me the ticket was pretty hot, though,” you say whilst getting into your original position on the bed. Taehyung then pauses the video, not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because he’s now realizing his hand had slipped past his pajama pants and he had began to palm himself through his boxers.

He can’t jerk off to the enemy, it’d only give you more power. But, he can follow the enemy on Instagram.

So he does exactly that.

lucy_fer is live…come watch!

The little banner pops up on Taehyung’s screen, staying for a few seconds before disappearing in his notifications tab. He considers the tempting invitation as he stares at the YouTube video that had been playing before being interrupted.

Sure, it was just an Instagram live and it wouldn’t be that big of a deal if he watched. But, what if you thought otherwise? What if you thought he was only watching just so he could scope out his competition?

“Screw it,” Tae mumbled before pulling down his notifications bar and clicking on the Instagram banner. It loaded within a few seconds and soon enough, Taehyung’s presence had been announced in the stream.

k.taehyung has joined.

But your face was turned elsewhere, talking to someone who was out of view of the camera. Secretly, Tae was hoping you’d turn back in time to acknowledge that fact that he was watching. And, much to his luck, you turned back towards the camera just as his was going away.

“Three hundred already?” you asked, watching the view count go up. “You guys must be bored.”

nam_joonie yep. why dont u take that shirt off and put on a show.

You read your ex-boyfriend’s comment with a sigh, leaning back on your couch as more comments from new viewers filled the screen. “You all know Namjoon,” you said to the viewers, grabbing the cup filled with water that stood on the coffee table next to your propped up phone. “I apologize that my ex is such a perv.” You took a sip of your drink as you roommate, Jennie, leaned into the frame to read a comment that caught her interest.

pinkszn.lisa girl fuck your ex, kim taehyung is here

Once Jennie read the comment out loud the water in your mouth was done for with the way you had begun to cough it up in shock.

You had heard of Taehyung, of course, and it was a surprise enough when he followed you on Instagram a few hours ago. He was intimating, to say the least, with his tattoos and blonde mullet and headbands and…wow. In fact, he was so intimidating, you hadn’t even watched any of his pornos. You knew he was good at his craft and didn’t need to watch any of his stuff to prove it.

When you were able to finally catch your breath, you turned to Jennie, shaking your head in shock. “Stop lying,” you choked out.

Seeing this as a second opportunity from hod himself to make his presence known, Taehyung typed out a comment.

k.taehyung hi hahaha

Rainbow hearts continued to fill up the screen as you read Tae’s comment whith wide eyes. He was actually here, watching you awkwardly get choked up over him.

“Taehyung!” you said suddenly, probably a little too excited. You cleared your throat as a way to calm down, “I…we…” nervously, you looked towards Jennie with a desperate facial expression that yelled ‘help me’.

“Why don’t you…guest him?” Jennie suggested.

“Oh, yes! Can I guest you, Taehyung?” You asked hopefully, though you already had requested for him to join before he could process what was going on. Sitting up on his couch, he looked down at the floor where his housemates Jungkook and Hoseok were sat in front of the television watching whatever sports game was on.

Of course Taehyung could afford to live alone, but these truly were his best friends.

“I’m about to go live. Try not to talk too much.” he said.

“That was a terrible pass,” Jeongguk said to Hoseok, clearly ignoring Taehyung’s request as he kept his eye on the basketball game. “I could pass better than that.”

Hoseok shakes his head, grabbing a few pieces of buttery popcorn that sat in the bowl on his lap. “You can’t even play basketball that good.”

“My point exactly! I could pass better than Williamson and I’m not even good at basketball; that’s tragic.”

With an eyeroll, Taehyung accepts the request to appear in your stream and gets himself in position with his phone camera, taking off his thick, clear glasses only momentarily to properly capture his face in the frame. Seconds later, the stream connect and he appears on the bottom half of the screen with you on top.

You open your mouth in shock once Taehyung is on screen then bring an arm to cover your eyes. “Woah, Taehyung! No shirt?!”

“Woah, Y/N, no bra?” he fired back, pointing out the obvious fact that your nipples were clearly hard under the thin, white shirt you wore. To anyone watching, they could easily mistake the two of you for lifelong friends with the way you were comfortable enough to joke around like this.

Or maybe it was just cheesy pornstar humor.

Slowly, you brought your forearm down from your eyes and got a good luck at Taehyung. He was indeed topless, flower tattoos on full display along with the gold chain that hung loosely around neck. He was a gorgeous sight, to say the least, and it’s no wonder why so many people enjoyed seeing him preform such filthy acts on his partners; never the same person twice, but always getting them to cum more than once.

You then realize this is your first time getting at good look at Tae’s face, other than the few Instagram photos you skimmed through when he followed you the day before. You also then realize you’d been staring at him in awkward silence since you brought your arm away.

You clear your throat, “touché. It’s nice to, like, see you for the first time.”

Taehyung raises a brow, had you never watched any of his stuff? He wants to ask, but also doesn’t want to seem cocky; it’s not like you were obligated to watch his pornos.

He decides to ask, the curiosity is killing him.

“I’m guessing that means you haven’t seen my stuff…” he says.

Now you’re embarrassed and wish you could go back in time and never make that comment about seeing him for thee first time. But you can’t, all you can do is shake your head and say, “I’m sorry, I don’t watch porn.”

“You’re the second most watched pornstar in the country and you don’t even watch porn?” he asks, confused.

You realize how stupid you sound and become embarrassed again. “Wait, no! Not like that, I mean. I watch my own stuff and I have some friends who do porn and I watch them…but that’s for support. I don’t get off to them or anything. Not because I can’t! I just…don’t want to…masturbate to my friends.”

It’s silent as Taehyung tries to take in what you said.

nam_joonie suddenly im not bored anymore

Although you and Namjoon have been broken up for quite some time now, he still knew when you were nervous about something, and that’s exactly what you were now.

You pretend you hadn’t seen Namjoon’s comment the same way to choose to ignore Jennie’s silent laughter fit. “I know who you are, though, Kim Taehyung,“ you nod as if you’re trying to reassure him while Jennie tries her best not to pass out from second-hand embarrassment.

Tae tilts his head up when he chuckles and you’re given an even better view of his neck and the tattoos that accompany it. If given the opportunity, any person would love to leave little purple bruises up and down his throat. But not you (you weren’t like other girls (and boys for that matter)), too afraid to mess with the beautiful artwork that Taehyung truly was.

And on top of that, everything about him was cute and sexy at the same and it nearly made your head explode. For example: the fact that he had neck tattoos was sexy, and the fact that they were flowers and butterflies made it cute. His blonde mullet was sexy, and the baby pink headband he usually wore underneath it was cute.

Then there was his smile. The smirk was sexy, but his boxy smile is what made your heart flutter. You were beyond nervous.

“I love your tattoos,” you compliment, “do you have anymore?”

“Mmhm!” he hums excitedly and it seems like the butterflies on his neck have made their way down to your belly. He holds his left hand up, showing off yet another butterfly tattoo – a blue one. “And I have one one each thigh of a bird.”

nam_joonie omg taehyung ur tattoos are so hot ugh the sexual tension between u two is killing me just fuck one of her holes already!!!

Namjoon isn’t the only one commenting, but it’s the only comment your eyes let you see. Taehyung sees it to and wonders if your ex boyfriend’s bitter jealousy would be a problem in whatever relationship he’s trying to form with you.

“Maybe I will,” Taehyung says with a smirk and no context at all, but everyone had seen Namjoon’s comment – made it hard to miss with it being so long. If you had water in your mouth, you’d be choking on it. And Jennie, who was off to your side, had her jaw slacked open at Tae’s straightforward and risky reply.

user1 we-

user2 TEA !

user3 and i oop-

…And more twitter slang flood the chat. You and Taehyung stay on live for another half hour, Namjoon doesn’t comment again so you assume he left after what Taehyung said. The rest of the broadcast goes well, consisting of you and Tae joking and talking and flirting with Jennie occasionally making fun of you or one of his roommates yelling about the basketball game.

It’s nice talking to Taehyung, it’s like he’s managed to become your friend in the short amount of time you’ve talked to him. When he listens to you speak, he pays attention and doesn’t interrupt you. And when you interrupt him when he’s speaking, he doesn’t mind because he likes seeing you get so excited. He’s literally the perfect boy.

So perfect that you want to keep talking to him forever, even when your eyelids get heavy and demand sleep. Jennie has already taken a shower and would be heading to bed soon, and any other day you’d be following her footsteps by getting ready to sleep.

“You’re tired,” Taehyung says when you yawn for the third time in a row.

You bring you index finger and thumb together, creating little space between them. “Just a tad bit.”

“Then sleep, don’t you have class in the morning?”

You nod, “I’m probably gonna drop out anyway, but yeah I do.”

"Then sleep,” he repeats so kindly it makes you want to close your eyes right there just to please him. He’s taken his glasses off now (making a show of it when he did so) and you’re able to look into his eyes better.

“I’ll go to bed if you do,” you challenge.

Taehyung isn’t sleepy, but he should be going to bed anyway so he’s not tired for tomorrow’s early shooting. “Yeah, I’m filming tomorrow, I need to go to bed.”

There’s something about Tae saying he has to film tomorrow that makes your heart drop. It’s like, in the short amount of time you’ve known him, you forgot he was the most watched pornstar and mistook him for an everyday boy who had a normal job and a normal life that could sustain a normal relationship. But you should know by now, nothing in your life is normal, and you and Taehyung had the same career in completely different aspects.

“Okay,” you sigh, “goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.” he says before leaving the broadcast. He would’ve stayed on longer if his job wasn’t so demanding.

He waits a minute, and you’re finally done with your livestream. Then he waits, and waits, and waits until…

lucy_fer sent you a direct message.

It’s your phone number, along with a message.

lucy_fer / 1 min ago send nudes pls

Taehyung knows you’re joking, but considers sending a dick pic just to make you squirm. But he doesn’t, instead, he saves your number and sends a text of his own.

imessage today at 11:37 pm

no u

Withing the next few weeks, a friendship blossoms between you and Taehyung. You text everday now, and neither of you could be

You’ve uploaded more videos (to which Tae has jerked himself off to), and Taehyung has kept his title as number one and has starred in more films of his own (in which you was only to support because, again, you don’t watch porn).

It’s when he’s in his trailer with Seokjin getting ready to film another boring horny stepbrother when he get’s a text from you.

imessage today at 12:22 pm

i want to see u

in real life tho

like…i wanna meet u in real life

The last thing he texted you was a Jeongguk being stupid a few hours ago, so your lack of being able to respond quickly in this situation gave away the fact that this was something you had been thinking about a lot. He’s not too sure what to say in this sense. Yes, he’s your friend and wants to meet up with you, but what if something happens and changing the dynamic of your friendship? He cares for you the way a friend should (and probably a little more), and feels like you’re one of the few people who actually understand him. He definitely doesn’t want to lose you like Namjoon has.

He responds:

hmm, what prompted ur sudden interest in wanting to see me?

You’re quick to reply:

rmr a little while ago we talked about filming something together? u can come up here for a weekend, we could hang out and film something

taehyung:

so u only want me for my body?? i see how it is…

you:

oh quit it

so, what do u say? u can stay at my place

He tells you he’s going to think about it, but already knows he’s going to say yes. It’s all he can think about twenty minutes later when he’s fucking some redhead deep into the mattress. The sound of your girlish moans and gasps play so vividly in his mind, if he tries hard enough, he can pretend your sounds are coming from the girl’s mouth and you’rethe one he’s balls deep in.

And if he tries hard enough, he can pretend the little tuffs of the girl’s red hair that form against the pillow are your red devil horns.

And when he does try hard enough, he has to stop himself from cumming right then and there by distracting himself with other thoughts. He can’t think of you, of course – you’re the one who got him into this predicament in the first place.

Taehyung opens his eyes, trying his best to momentarily erase you from his mind. He looks down at the girl beneath him and is met with closed eyes and parted lips; her tongue was only slightly visible and was bit down on to stifle load moans.

The expression on her face is awkward, amateur almost, and Taehyung can’t stand it. He thrusts deeper, earning a high pitched moan from the girl and follows suit with a low groan.

He’s bored. Extremely bored. Then his mind drifts back to you, and he smiles because he’ll be seeing you in a few days. And for once, in a very long time, he’s excited for something. So excited that his boxy smile pays a visit and he has to bury his face in his co-star’s shoulder to cover it up.

Friday comes around rather quickly, and Taehyung finds himself halfway out of the front door with a duffel bag in his hand, saying goodbye to his roommates.

“No people, no parties, no dancing, no loud music, and Yeontan is the only animal allowed in this house. If I get a complaint from the neighbors, I swear–” Taehyung’s infamous exit speech is cut off by Jeongguk clasping a hand on his shoulder.

“Relax, hyung,” he says a little too calmly for Taehyung’s comfort, “nothing bad is gonna happen, don’t worry.”

The sound of tiny nails scraping against the wooden floor has made Tae forget what he was saying, only being able to focus on the beautiful dog running up to him.

He drops the bag, bending down to pet the fur and say goodbye to his faithful companion. “Please remember to take care of Yeontan; he’s very needy.”

“We will, I promise.” Hoseok says and Taehyung stands upright once again.

“It’s not you I’m worried about,” he adjusts the bag on his shoulder, “Gguk is the one that concerns me.”

Jeongguk scoffs, fake offended, “Me?! Why me?!”

“That time you went two days without food and didn’t even realize it.”

“That–I–it was for a gaming tournament! Plus, I drank Red Bull and that gave me all the energy i needed.” he tries to redeem himself, but it doesn’t work.

“Please just take care of my fucking dog,” is the last thing Taehyung says along with ‘goodbye’ before leaving his house.

The drive to your apartment is nearly two hours away, and Taehyung can hardly believe he’s going out of his way to hang out with a friend then have sex with her. It’s ridiculous yet so exciting. So…new.

You’re outside your apartment building when Taehyung arrives, heart beating out of both of your chest. He doesn’t leave the car, since the two of you agreed you’d go out in the city before coming back to your place, but you can already see he’s a lot taller in person. And a lot hotter, if that was possible.

You jog up to his Range Rover, the best looking car in the parking lot, and slide into his passenger seat. Before Taehyung is able to get a word in, you’ve already engulfed him into a tight hug. He’s thrown off his game by your sudden forwardness, but he doesn’t let it phase him. Instead, his arms find comfort around your waist, embarrassing you so tight and completely as if you’d melt away if he let go.

Then, you’re pushing him off of you, as if nothing happened.

“I can’t believe I’m here, with you, in your car. I bet so many of your fans would die to be in this position,” you run your fingers through your hair as a method to calm your nerves.

“And many other positions…” he jokes with a small smirk, handing you his phone so you can put in the address to the place you’re having lunch at.

“Touché,” you reply, and minutes later you’re on your way to a whole-in-the-wall cute, little restaurant. It’s mostly empty, so neither of you are recognized.

Taehyung picks a little table in the far corner by the window; just enough room for the both of you. He pulls out your chair, because he’s polite like that, before setting down your tray of food on the table and sitting down on his own seat.

“It’s raining,” you whisper, chin in the palm of your hand as you stare out the window.

Taehyung had started to place your food in front of you, but stops when he hears you speak. He looks up at you, and the only word he can use to describe you in this exact moment is ‘pretty’. Pretty, pretty, pretty.

He gulps, glancing out the window to see it had indeed began to rain. “Yeah,” is all he can say, because there’s not much you can say when you’re being taunted.

The sky is teasing him, as though it was saying, “ha ha, I can cry and you can’t”, because Tae is so at peace being here with you, he could actually cry. He’s happy for once, and wishes he didn’t have to hide it.

“It’ll be dark by the time the movie’s over,” Taehyung says while handing you your sandwich, “are we going straight to your place afterwards?”

“We can, I mean, it’s Friday and you don’t leave until Monday morning; we have the whole weekend to explore.”

Tae nods out of excitement but doesn’t show it. He’s been looking forward to filming with you and is happy you’re ready to do so as soon as possible. Now, he’ll just have to find a way to stop thinking or talking about it.

“So about the video we’re making today,” he takes a sip out of his lemonade.

“Oh yeah, I was gonna have my manager email yours to sort out some details, then I remembered I don’t have a manager–”

“Wait,” Tae raises a hand to silence you, “you don’t have a manager? Why not?”

Embarrassed, you slump back in your seat and shrug. “I dunno, I felt like I didn’t need one until now, honestly. All of my videos are filmed and edited by me and on the rare occasion I have someone to film with, they’re people I know personally; not big time…pornstars.” you whisper the last part because although the restaurant is mostly empty, you’re still in public.

“I’m literally just a YouTuber that takes her clothes off,” you continue.

“Even YouTuber’s have managers, don’t they?” he points out.

Before you can respond, your phone starts to vibrate on the table. “It’s Jennie,” you say, “do you mind if I…?” you hold your phone up with pleading eyes, claiming the call could be important. Taehyung says it’s fine and takes a bite out of his own sandwich while you accept the call.

“Yeah?…Oh, okay!…Can you tidy up before you go?…I know, but still…Great, have fun…Oh, shut up…Thank you, I love you…Alright bye,” Is all Taehyung hears from your forty-second conversation before setting your phone back down.

“That was my roommate, she just left for the weekend, so me and you have the apartment to ourselves.”

“You have a roommate?” Taehyung asks.

“Yeah, Jennie.”

“Does she know you do porn?”

“Mmhm, she was in my video before. I think I titled it: Pussy Is God.”

“Knowing you, you probably replaced the S’s with dollar signs.”

You smile, “You know me pretty well, don’t you?”

And he does know you pretty well. Just like he knows when the two of you are exiting the restaurant, you make sweater paws with your hands because you’re cold. So he holds your hand and let’s your fingers intertwine the entire walk to his car and tells himself it’s just platonic hand holding.

And when you’re in the theater watching Endgame, he feels your body tremble as you watch Iron Man take his final breath. You don’t cry, but Taehyung let’s the tear he was holding in fall from his eye. He doesn’t think you saw it, but you do, and later on he let’s you assume it’s the movie that made him cry. But really, it was you.

You had brought Kim Taehyung to tears.

Because when he’s with you, he isn’t thinking about his job or stress, or anything. Your presence had captured him and tricked him into thinking he, being the person he is, could handle being in a relationship; a serious one at that.

And that’s exactly what he was afraid of.

“Just admit it, you big baby. We basically went on a date.” You say hours later as you lead Taehyung into your apartment.

“Oh, you think so?” Taehyung asks as you flick on the light switch.

“Well, we had lunch, held hands, saw a movie, and we’re about to have sex so…yeah, I think it’s safe to say we went on a date.”

Upon entering your apartment, Taehyung notes it’s as small as you said it would be, but didn’t expect for there to be so many new, expensive appliances. Seriously, your fridge, flat screen television, and microwave all look so out of place in your crappy apartment. He assumes your porn money as started rolling in, but doesn’t ask.

“You wanna film now?” Taehyung asks, slipping off his shoes when you notices you doing the same.

“Why wait?” You ask with a devilish smirk, “I’m gonna change, but please, make yourself at home.”

You’re in your room getting dressed in your usual skirt, bra, and devil horns (and even a little bit of makeup because…fuck it) while Taehyung takes time to prepare himself with a mini prep talk while he waits.

“I’m ready if you are,” you call from your doorframe. Taehyung’s dick already feels like it’s stirring in his pants, so he tries his best not to look at you when he enters your room and sits on the edge of your bed, directly in front of your only camera.

“Are you ready?” you ask, a finger on the ‘record’ button.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” he replies.

You press record and sit down next to him.

“It’d be so funny if I just put in, like, clips of our first livestream together when you said you would fuck one of my holes,” you laugh, and Taehyung is amazed at how comfortable you became in a matter of seconds. You truly were a natural at this, and it put him at ease.

“Please don’t do that,” he replies, shaking his head.

“Im gonna do it, but, anyway…! I’m here with Kim Taehyung! And I have a gift for him!” You lean over to your bedside drawer to retrieve your gift for him, Tae lets out a desperate sigh when he gets a clear view of your ass.

“Usually, I have my co-star for the evening wear complimentary devil horns, right? But, for you, I went out and got you your own pair. They don’t look much different than mine or any other pair, but these are special…because they’re yours.” you pull the headband from behind your back and gently place it in his hands and watch as he stares at them for a moment.

Although they’re the same style of the ones of the ones usually featured in your videos, they’re different in some way. Newer. Cleaner. His to keep.

He stares at them in silence, making you nervous by the second, and you make a mental note to edit awkward Wii music in at this part. “..so do you like it, or…?”

Instead of responding, he moves his tattooed-hand up to his hair and removes his baby blue headband in a swift motion; replacing it with his new gifts. Out of his duffel bag, he pulls out a light pink supreme headband (similar to his infamous one) and gives it to you, claiming he also brought you a gift.

And for the sake of the porno (and because you like him so much without realization), you take off your devil horns and replace them with the headband he’s given you.

When Taehyung stares at you, he feels like his looking at his heart in human form. He can’t look away and sure as hell doesn’t want to. But, he’s not in love. He’s in lust and in like and all the things that come with having a crush because Jesus Christ he has the biggest, fattest crush on you, Y/N.

“Do I look like you?” you ask.

“Nope, you look way better,” he compliments.

You wave your hand in a motion that says, ‘as if’. He isn’t used to working without a script, but is too shy to ask how you plan on getting things started. And, like you read his mind, you instruct him to lay back on the bed, and he does so.

"What, are you gonna top me?” Taehyung asks with a cocky smile and a raised brow, elbows holding himself up as he watches you crawl over him until your faces are centimeters apart.

“You’d make such a cute, little bottom,” your lips brush against his with every word you speak, and yet, you’re still not kissing. “But no, just relax.” You might as well had been speaking a foreign language Taehyung had no knowledge of because he had no clue what you were saying; too distract by the fact that your lips were literally on his and you weren’t even kissing, though you both so badly want to.

“Kiss me, pussy,” is what you want to say to him, but you don’t. Your lips place delicate kisses down his neck, so soft and subtly and almost nonexistent, not wanting to cover up his tattoos with hickeys.

Your hands make their way down to his jeans until you’re undoing his belt and sliding it off with ease. With his elbows hosting himself up again, Taehyung watches you pull his jeans down all the way to his ankles until they’ve met the same fate as his Gucci belt. When you hook a finger on the waistband of his boxers, he stops you with a question.

“What’re you doing?” he slurs, and regrets asking such a dumb question because he already knows damn well what you’re gonna do.

“Gonna suck you off; is that okay?”

It’s more than okay, honestly. It’s just, Taehyung is a giver. His fans pay to watch him give and give and give until they’re watching his cum drip out of someone’s swollen cunt; he definitely wasn’t used to being on the receiving end of sex and couldn’t even remember the last time he’d gotten a proper blowjob.

He doesn’t respond verbally, only giving a light nod and running his tongue across his top lip.

Getting the answer you were hoping for, you tug off Taehyung’s boxers with a single finger, his cock springing free and laying flat against his abdomen. Precum leaks from his reddening tip and you can’t help but gasp at the euphoric sight. Taehyung smiles in delight when the soft noise leaves your mouth, and suddenly, he’d confident again.

Your hand makes it’s way to grab a hold of Tae’s cock, using the pad of your thumb to smear the seeping precum along his tip. He let’s out a moan of pleasure, already obsessed with the feeling of your small hand wrapped around his ever-hardening member.

Starting off with slow strokes, you lower your head until you’re inches away from his dick. You’re not even doing much, yet Taehyung feels like he could cum right now just by the way you’re looking at him; so dark and lustful and sinful, like the she-devil you truly were.

Without warning, your tongue presses itself alongside Tae’s tip, peppering the sides with small kitten licks. “Shit,” he mutters, eyes tightly shut. If he thought your hands were good, your tongue nearly sent him into overdrive.

The little kitten lick only last for a few seconds longer, and then your mouth is completely around him. He’s big around you, and it’ll take a bit of work if you plan on getting him to the back of your throat.

You pull your mouth away from with a pop, your free hand stroking off parts of him your mouth couldn’t reach quite yet. He’s still propped up on his elbows, watching as you get him off.

Your mouth is wrapped around him once again, and soon enough, his eyes are back to being shut as he takes in the warm feeling of your mouth. Taehyung fights the urge to buck his hips once you’re finally able to allow him deeper in your mouth, his tip hitting the back of your throat as you fight off your gag reflex.

He even fights thee urge once you’ve gotten used to the feeling and began to slowly bob your head. He grabs a fistful of your hair tightly, earning a pleasing groan from you that vibrates around his dick. Pulling only a slight bit harder on your hair gets another reaction out of you, this time causing your left hand to work your way down into your panties.

The sight alone makes Taehyung want to replace your fingers with his own; watching his tattooed-hand disappearing into your underwear until his fingers are circling around your clit, slipping his fingers between your slick folds until they’re completely covered. He’d bring his fingers up to your mouth and whisper “taste yourself, baby, taste how wet you are for me,” then his fingers would be in your mouth, licking your juices clean. And he’d bring his hand back down to your cunt, calling you his good girl while we thrusts his fingers in and out of you.

But that can’t happen, at least not tonight while you were recording and, oh fuck…he was so caught up, Taehyung forgot this whole thing was being filmed.

“Shit, fuck, stop it,” he instructs, knowing he’d release right then and there if you kept this up.

“Something wrong?” you ask, your big doe eyes peering up at him with your mouth glistening with his precum. You looked so innocent yet so sinful and it drove Taehyung so crazy.

He’s taking his shit off, leaving him completely naked and you follow suit. “I shouldn’t be selfish,” he says when you’re leaning over him, hardening nipples brushing against his own chest. “You need to get off too, right?”

You grin with a nod before finally kissing him. It’s not a cute, first kiss you’d imagined it being, but it was something. Sloppy, messy, and horny.

When he tries to lift you up to lay you on your back, you stop him by pulling away from his lips and harshly grabbing his shoulder blade. “I’m going to top.”

Taehyung chuckles because he thinks your joking, and when he realizes you’re being serious, he shakes his head. “Absolutely not,” his dominant side had slowly began to show.

“That’s what you think,” you say, and reach down to grab his cock. He decides there’s no point in fighting you on this since your mind is made up and admits defeat by replacing your hand with his and rubbing his tip against your folds.

Your grip onto his shoulders to steady yourself, eyes closed while you let him tease your entrance. His tip lazily brushes circles on your cunt, and you can’t help but a let out a high-pitched whine when he’s finally inside of you.

His thrusts are slow at first, giving you time to stretch out around him. “Okay,” you sigh, once you’re finally ready for harder, deeper thrusts.

“You wanted to top so badly,” he says, “you do all the work.”

You let out a laugh but deiced it’s fair, so you rock your hips against his, grabbing his thighs to hold onto in the process. You’ve just started, but the feeling of Taehyung finally inside of you after all these weeks already has the both of you moaning, thankful your roommate was out of town.

Your head is thrown back now as you keep the steady pace, hair sticking to the sweat on your back while Tae keeps a firm grip on your waist. His eyes are still closed in fear of releasing right then and there if he opened his eyes to see the sight of you on top of him.

“Taehyung…I–I–” you’re barely able to talk, so close to your climax you can hardly get a word out.

“You wanna come?” he asks, fingers moving down to massage your clit, adding all the more reason for you to orgasm.

“Please,” you whine, although it’s not like Taehyung has told you to ask for permission to come, this is just you in your natural state. And he loves it.

“Then come,” he says, and your orgasm rips through you, the type that has your eyes rolling back and body shaking. Tae can’t help but do the same moments later, the feeling of your cum dripping around him a little too much to handle. The inside of your walls are splattered white, but you don’t mind much; at least you’re on the pill.

The two of you pant as you come down from your highs, both exhausted at this point. And you, being yourself, reach down to give Taehyung a high-five, to which he accepts with a laugh.

“That was fun,” you say, just now rising off of him and trying your best not to groan at the feeling of emptiness.

“Yeah,” he agrees, “you’re good at your job.”

You accept and return the compliment before turning off the camera and excusing yourself in the bathroom.

Alone with his thoughts, Taehyung flops backwards on your bed and recall what has just happened. He’s scared, he feels like you’ve trapped him in your heart, like a caged animal. He knows he shouldn’t have feelings for him, but he can’t help himself; you were absolutely perfect in his eyes.

When you enter the room again and lay down next to him, he thinks about how little he cares about anything other than you. He doesn’t care if his career doesn’t allow it, what his friends will say, or what his fans will say. He only wants you.

“Y/N?” he calls softly, turning his head to look at you.

“Yes?”

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

[thenataliamarseille]

Hitched? | Discord

                                                            DISCORD THREAD

Who?: Natalia Marseille, Devin McGowen ( @deviniant ) When?: August 18th 2020 Where?: Orlando, Florida

Mentions: Nicola Sloane ( @nicolaeisms ), Traci Hendrix ( @traciisms ) Triggers: marriage, alcohol

MAJOR PLOT DEVELOPMENT?: YES. Natalia and Devin get hitched by drunken accident. Devin finally makes her decision on coming back to professional wrestling. 

Natalia

Nat had barely been able to take her eyes off of Devin whilst they were inside the performance centre. Even when people had come over to talk to the new face in the crowd, Nat was only really able to give them half her attention. She wondered whether this was how Devin felt when she saw her performing at the clubs back home in Kingsboro... She wondered what the words were to describe how she felt. Natalia was too proud, too stubborn to even allow anything remotely near that one four letter word to cross her mind and so instead she leaned into the physical attraction. The way Dev glowed up in the ring, the way she held herself like there was fucking no one who could drag her down... It caused fire in Nat's stomach. Anyone who really looked at how Nat was looking at Devin would know exactly the kinds of dirty things running through her mind, and she didn't care in the slightest. Natalia left the ringside a little early, heading out to the changing rooms to meet Dev there once she was done. "You're not kidding when you said the ring is your element," she smirked when the redhead walked in, her eyes practically fucking her as she looked her up and down. "You look good in that.".

Devin

almost four years out of the business and now....devin was back in the ring, not the wrestling ring at the toast, but the ring where she used to train and worked her way up to fame. she was with her people again, and training with the new wrestlers that were recruited. she opened up the session speaking to them and had a little promo class lecture at first before eventually hitting up the mat. these wrestlers were different from the ones she's training, they're already experienced, and she knew some of them years ago. she was in her old gear, too. just to get the feeling of it before she eventually appear on everyone's screens again. what made this different besides being back after such a long time, is that she's got natalia with her. someone who immediately came to mind when she got the call about going to orlando. she couldn't fly there alone, so she didn't hesitate on messaging her about it. she was back at the changing room after that hours long session and conversations with the higher-ups, staring at herself in the mirror when the dancer came in. "this place is kind of like home to me--my other home." she clarifies, looking back at her. "it's been years since the last time i wore this, still fits, by the way."

Natalia

There wasn't a doubt in her mind when Devin asked if she wanted to come down to Florida with her. The two had been spending a lot more time together recently, outside of the gym and Nat's work, and even that sometimes didn't feel like it was enough. She hadn't left the city since she arrived from France all those years ago, hell she had barely left Kingsboro, so the chance to go to one place outside of New York that had a great reputation for stripping other than Vegas... Of course she wanted to. Or, perhaps that was the excuse she told herself to cover up the fact she really just wanted to go because after spending almost every day seeing Devin in one way or another lately, going three days with nothing felt wrong. She smiled when Devin spoke about this being home, she felt that way about the stage. "You look at home here... In a real ring, with these people," Nat hummed as she came up behind Dev and wrapped her arms around her. "It fits you like a glove," she commented, planting a kiss on her shoulder. "You're going to take them all, Devin... Champion again..."

Devin

"it's nice to know that they still haven't forgotten about me." she chuckles lightly, shaking her head. that was one of those things she feared ever since she decided on taking a hiatus after her knee injury. she had to relinquish her title. devin, fortunately, during that time, has been living in kingsboro for months during that period, and it seemed like it was a nice place for her to settle down, recover, and decide on the next steps she was going to take. thus, after two years, the toast was born. it has been something she's clung on for a while, something that still had her committed to wrestling, training aspiring athletes and learning new fighting styles at the same time. "it's really nice, to have ya wit' me, lass." she turns her head to face the other, kissing the side of her head. "i'm goin' to tell them tomorrow, that i'm acceptin' their offer. right now....come celebrate wit' me? i got to catch up with some friends over drinks."

Natalia

"I think anyone would have a hard time forgetting about you," Nat smirks as she runs her hands up her sides. She can't help but notice how different Devin feels now, like this was the real woman. They were both performers, in their own way, and Nat knew that if she had to give up her stage it wouldn't matter what else she found... Nothing would be the same. There was nothing that lived up to the same feeling as the pole. She could tell Devin felt the same about wrestling. They could fight as much as they wanted to, Nat and Nic and Duke could give the redhead a good run for her money, but there was no story behind those matches. There was no limelight, no fans, nothing for Devin to really get her teeth into. It would be like Nat spending the rest of her days doing private dances; they were okay, but... They weren't the real thing. "I'm glad I came..." She chuckled before smiling as their eyes caught. Nat nodded when Dev spoke about accepting the offer. "Good... I would hate for this to be the only time I get to see you in this," she teased with a smirk before raising a brow. "If there is one thing I know how to do it's how to celebrate... Let's get wild," she laughed with a devilish tint to her eyes.

Devin

"most people....they do forget, in this industry.....i just want to make my mark when i first got here. i'm just glad the sentiments they have for me when i left haven't changed." devin gives her a soft smile. she turns to now face the brunette, wrapping her arms around her waist. it just felt natural, to have her there, to have her witness this part of her life. going back to orlando was nice, but she couldn't imagine going through this without her. though....it really did take a lot in her to admit to natalia that she was going to miss her if she didn't come with her. "it wasn't necessary to wear gears today, but i got a little bit too excited." she lets out a light chuckle. "i'm just gonna go get changed, then we'll meet up with them. though....how's....all this for ya, lass? yer okay doin' this with me, yeah?"

Natalia

"It didn't seem like it today... Everyone that spoke to me whilst I was watching you-- they spoke of how they miss you, and how much they want to see you back," Nat admitted, smirking a little as they spent a moment in each others' arms. Oh, the shit she would get for this if Traci or Nicola could see them now... She grinned when Devin said she got too excited, shaking her head a little as she looked down her outfit again before coming back up with a bit of a furrow in her brow at the redhead's question. "I wouldn't have come all this way if I wasn't okay doing this... The thing I would not be okay with is you turning down this opportunity I know you have been thinking about and that you want so badly... I want to see you do everything you want to do, Devin."

Devin

devin smiled hearing those things from natalia, and she could see how proud she is of her. that....somehow matters a lot to her, her support....being here with her. she was the only one she wants to get to see this. nobody else. they've already been teased on that mysterious group chat a lot, and she just doesn't care about it, not right now, at least. she was just happy to have her there. "i wore this gear because it was the one you chose for me the other day, i know ya'd love it." thank the gods they were alone in the changing rooms right now, because devin couldn't just get her hands off natalia. "thanks...for that little talk we had back at home. i really needed that." she admits. "ya wanna take yer lil' peeks while i change, huh?" she smirks at the other, wiggling her eyebrows.

Natalia

"You're beginning to know me too well," she laughed gently before kissing the other for a moment. Nat smiled when she pulled away, shaking her head a little bit. She knew that the decision Devin had made was a big one, life changing actually. But she had no doubts that it was the right one to make. This wouldn't feel as right as it did if it was the wrong decision, surely? "Honestly, I see you in anything black and leather and I lose my shit a little bit," she joked with a laugh before smirking at Dev's comment, trapping her tongue between her teeth and shrugging her shoulders cooly. "If we had enough time, I'd prefer to do it myself-- but I have no doubt we might get to that later in the night," she bit her bottom lip a little before finally pulling away to give Dev the space to change. Nat walked over to the mirror and adjusted her own leather, using the mirror to look back as Devin began to take her gear off.

Devin

"i guess i got to keep wearin' leather on television, then?" she grins at the other's words. "too bad you haven't seen me back at dorian's birthday, i was wearin' that leather other you would've love. but i know you were workin' that time--maybe one of these days...." she did pack a couple of leather outfits with her, knowing that besides the dancer would love it, that she'd be in a couple of interviews for the next few days. her management is really going to make the most out of her time in florida. "ya have me all to yerself tonight, lass. i promise." she kisses natalia's cheek before pulling away, grabbing her clothes from hours ago from her gym bag and quickly changing to it, though...she'd pause for a couple of seconds so that the other could look. once she's fully changed, it was her turn to hug the other from behind, kissing the back of her neck. "let's go?"

Natalia

"For the greater good, of course," Nat laughed before raising an eyebrow when the other spoke of the event she had missed out on. That was the trouble being a performer, the nights where there were parties were also the same nights where all of the money was made at work. "All to myself, hmm?" She hummed and bit down on her lip. "I like the sound of that," Nat mused mostly to herself as she looked over Devin's body. Would she ever get enough of it? She doubted it. Her eyes briefly closed when she kissed her neck, and she nodded. "I'm dying for a good drink now," she said before following Devin out of the changing rooms. "Where are we going?"

Devin

"as promised." devin takes her by her hand, instinctively intertwining their fingers as they've walked out of the changing rooms and of the performance centre with her gym bag slung over her shoulder, meeting up with her coworkers. "just this bar we used to go to a lot when we were still trainin'. there's other chain of clubs around there, too. we might go bar hoppin'." she's introduced natalia, which was a surprise for everyone, since the redhead hasn't really brought anyone to florida with her, until now. she just shakes her head at their reactions. they've agreed to just meet up at the place and everyone went to get their own cars. she tosses her gym bag at the backseat before getting in with natalia. "yer gonna love it there." she smirks at the other excitedly before driving off.

Natalia

Nat greeted all the others warmly, rolling her eyes and laughing along with the jokes that they made about Devin finally bringing someone to the ringside. Weirdly, she didn't mind the teasing, she didn't care about the comments that the others back home kept making in the group chat either. Nat wasn't exactly one for monogamy or being exclusive but, spending all of this time with Devin and coming here with her... It felt like it was where she was supposed to be in this moment. She knew she'd be feeling a bit lost in Kingsboro knowing the other was not there... That felt weird. The two rode across town to the bar, the group of them heading inside and starting the night as they mean to go on; with a few rounds of shots and within a few hours the table they were all sat at was littered with empty glasses. Nat had gone to the toilet, but now was coming back out, adjusting her jacket as she walked back through the now crowded bar to the booth, sliding back in next to Devin and practically straddling her lap. "You having a good time, mon cheri?" She cooed.

Devin

the two had become inseparable the moment they got to the bar, ordering bottles of lager and whiskey for them to have, at least until the night ends. devin caught up with her coworkers about what has happened with all of them for the past few years, her friends eventually getting together, some of them moving to other companies, starting their wrestling schools....her starting her own gym at kingsboro....she's kept her hand on natalia's knee the whole time, also while bragging about how she's one of her greatest students at her fight training classes. they separated for a while when the woman went to use the restroom. "the best time, lass...." she whispers, wrapping an arm around her waist while she downs the rest of her beer. "they've told me there's this new bar that opened while i was away.....want to come there next? s'still early...."

Natalia

Nat had started to get to know some of the other people that they had gone out with, talking to them about what she did and finding that common ground in the fact they all were entertainers and performers even if they had a different stage and rulebook. She was glad that prior to this, she had found some of Dev's older videos, it meant that she understood some of what they all talked about when they began 're-living the glory days', though Nat made an effort to point out she was sure the glory days were still ahead of Devin rather than behind her. Natalia hummed a moan when Dev's arm wrapped around her waist, eyes flicking down to her mouth and then her throat as she watches her down her beer with a smirk. "Me too," she smiled as she used her thumb to catch a little liquid that had escaped the corner of Devin's lips, bringing it to her own mouth and sucking on it just a little with an 'innocent' look. "I want to be wherever you are going to be-- wherever you want, they are all new bars to me," she laughed. "You're right, it is far too early to call it a night and go back to the hotel-- we are celebrating after all... Where is this place? It's close?"

Devin

devin watches as the dancer catches the beer that managed to slip from her lips with her thumb, chuckling when she sucks on it. she didn't mind the fact that people are watching them, that her friends have practically gone quiet and now have their eyes of them. she slides one hand up to the back of natalia's neck and gently pulls her close for a brief kiss. "then let's go to that new bar they've been talking about then--we only have to walk a few blocks from here." she grins, tucking her loose hair behind her ear. she takes the last two shot glasses on the table and hands one to the other to drink.

Natalia

Nat could feel the other eyes in the back of her head, could hear the smirks on their faces. But, she didn't give a fuck. She was never one to hide her intentions, never one to tone herself down in front of other people and tonight was no exception. She hummed a little moan into the kiss, head tilting to one side briefly as Dev's hand brushed down her neck. "Sounds good, baby," she smirked, shaking her head to push her hair back before taking the shot from Devin and raising it in the air. "To fucking Orlando!" She shouted with a laugh, causing a big cheer from everyone before she bent backwards, and took the shot to the applause from the others.

Devin

the redhead downs her shot at the same the as the other did, looking up at her with a smile on her face. natalia never fails to be the life of the party, and it's one of devin's favorite things about her. on stage or off stage, she can just get people around her going. "to orlando, baby." she whispers. not long after the group was out of the bar and now heading to a new one. she was just intrigued why are her friends won't stop talking about the place. well, it must be a really good bar. they entered the place and it was a little bit quiet than their usual type of bar, and there's definitely a mood that she couldn't define it yet, and she might've have a little bit too much to drink already, but she liked the place. more sets of drinks after one person walked up to them and said something that she didn't quite catch, so she just nodded and said "yes."

Natalia

It wasn't until the got outside that Nat realised just how much they had had to drink in the first bar. That realization didn't stop her from continuing on with the night though. The group of them laughing and chanting and joking as they walked the few blocks between bars before eventually getting inside this other one. It was no-where near as busy as the first one, and Nat was sure there were more sober people here than drunk people but fuck it, they were having a good time and that is all that mattered. At least it was to her. Natalia bought a round of drinks for everyone, handing them out and then got the bartender to line up enough shots on the bar for one each. "We go down the line," Nat laughed as she lined everyone up to start. Just as they finished, someone came up to them and honestly at this point Nat couldn't quite understand them, but she was up for anything. "Sure," she said after she heard Dev say yes.

Devin

a drunken chuckle leaves devins lips at her friends cheering, not even understanding what they were happy for in the first place. "i guess....we gotta participate for whatever this is?" she takes another shot of tequila and grabs for natalia's hand to hold as they were lead away from the bar to what looked like....a stage? they booth stood up there front and center, and was handed two rings. two silver flat bands. she shrugged, showing it to the other. "i've had a lot to drink...but lassie...ya look wonderful tonight." she whispers to the other as the man who invited them to whatever this is stood on the other side of the stage. devin mindlessly puts the band on natalia's ring finger, nodding at his word. "yes....mhmm....yes..." she smiles at the other.

Natalia

"We just signed up for something?" Nat laughed as she took Dev's hand and fell against her a little bit. "You know if they're going to make us fight, I'm not going to go easy on you just because your friends are here," she teased with a grin as they were led up to a stage with some other guy that she didn't recognise. Nat blinked a few times as a couple of silver bands were held out in front of them and tried to keep her concentration in the room, but she'd caught Devin's eyes and honestly she was lost in them. She was so fucking beautiful, and powerful, and in every single way Natalia's equal. Nat just kind of assumed that this was some kind of tradition of wrestling, of new partners of fighters. A right of passage maybe-- Devin seemed to know what she was doing as she slid a ring onto her finger and honestly Nat just wanted to grab hold of her and kiss her right now so she quickly did the same thing. "Not as stunning as you, Champion," she smirked, stepping in and bringing their bodies closer together. "Yes, sure-- yes," Nat spoke to the other guy, wondering what the hell he was actually talking about and why everyone was being so loud around them. They all started chanting 'kiss' and well, Nat was always one to please the crowds so she jumped up into Devin's arms and locked their lips.

                                                   TIMESKIP

Devin

all could devin remember throughout the night besides enjoying drinks with her friends is her little moments with natalia. holding her hand, taking shots with her, sharing some laughs....and kisses. the rest has been a put blackout. wait....they've put rings on each other? and kissed? on stage? she doesn't even remember how they've made it back to the hotel. she wakes up with the dancer is her arms, a murderous headache, and her phone blowing off from the bedside table. she carefully slips out of her embrace and picks up the call. "he--" "did you just get fucking married last night?" "did i what?" she looks at the ring on her finger then natalia's. "that was just an act, for sure." "no, that wasn't! that was a legit officiator, dude. oh god--you got shitfaced, didn't you?" she hangs up, not even bothering to answer the question. "nat....lassie...you gotta wake up..."

Natalia

Nat stirred when she felt the arms unwrap from around her, and it was only really then that she noticed the pounding in her head, the way her eyes were fucking stinging. Were they back in the hotel room? She had no fucking idea what happened last night, the only thing she can really remember was walking between on bar and another one. Natalia rolled over and pushed her face into the pillow with a groan as she heard Devin talking on the phone, something about an act. Must have been something to do with work. Then, when she said her name she could tell the tone behind it was nothing to do with work. She groaned again as she rolled back over, pushing another pillow underneath her head and slowly opening her eyes, squinting and moaning as the light hit her green hues. "Good morning--" she sighed out, running her hands down her face. It was then that she felt something on her finger that wasn't usually there; a ring on her wedding finger. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "I'm married into the world of wrestling now?" Nat asked sleepily before sitting up further and glancing to her nightstand where clearly she'd made one good choice last night and had left out a glass of water which she picked up and downed. "How in the fuck did we get back here in one piece last night?"

Devin

what the hell did they do last night? how the fuck did this all happen? "about that...." devin started pacing around the room, running her fingers through her hair. how is she going to explain this when even she doesn't have the idea of how this all happened? she runs her fingers through her red hair, picking up her phone once more and this time...she goes on her social media. her twitter.....her fans are tweeting her photos of her and natalia last night, putting rings on their fingers...smiling at each other, and a video of them kissing with everyone else cheering. how come her friends hasn't stopped any of this? "i gotta tell ya somethin' lass...." she takes a nervous sigh. "you and i.....we got married last night, apparently. it's.....it's all over social media. and that--that wasn't just any fake officiator. that was.....that was a legitimate one." she puts both hands on her face, feeling another wave of her headache. she doesn't know what to say next or what to do, she was just plainly scared....scared of the other getting so mad at her for this.

Natalia

Nat felt the mood in the room shift to this uncomfortable energy that she just knew something was wrong. "About that?" She questioned, eyebrows raising as she pursed her lips. Her head hurt so much, but she had to concentrate on what was happening. Nat's face was a picture of concern when the other spoke about having to tell her something. "Are you hurt?" She asked, worried that they had done something stupid and she had hurt herself. This was not the time for Devin to get an injury. But, when the redhead continued-- fuck this was so much worse and Nat's face fucking dropped. "What?!" She spat, pushing herself up and out of the bed, it wasn't until she did that that she realised she was completely fucking naked. She groaned and picked up a t-shirt from Dev's suitcase and threw it over her head. "What do you mean it was a legitimate one? We were in a fucking bar, Devin!" She half shouted, not really wanting this conversation to be carried through the walls but then she realised Dev had said something about social media. "The fucking world knows about this?!" Nat pushed her hands through her hair, pulling at it as she began pacing. "What the fuck!" She ranted. "Devin-- what the actual fuck!"

Devin

the wrestler just threw her phone to the solo sofa, a low groan escaping her lips. "i don't know how the fuck all of this has happened, nat..."she sighs. "the bar we fucking went to has a wedding officiator hired. that's what fucking special about it--some people recognized me and the other last night and took photos and videos of the thing, they--it's spread social media like wildfire." she takes the phone from the chair and sits down, reaching for the bottle of water that was on a the table beside it and then hands it to the younger woman, before noticing an unfamiliar folder. "i can't--i can't believe this either." she takes the folder and opens it, seeing a certificate which seemed to have both of their signatures. "i uhm-i'm--i don't remember how the fuck this has happened, nat....fuck...we were supposed to just..." she tugs on her own her, once again groaning. "i'm so sorry...i'm fucking sorry, nat...."

Natalia

Nat's head was spinning. Her entire fucking world felt like it had just been turned upside down and she had no idea how to react because... No, she wasn't even going to think of it like that. "Oh, right, so your 'friends'," she did some airquotes, "took us there because they know this? That there is a wedding man there? What the fuck is he even doing in a bar?" Nat asked before taking the phone from Devin, probably a little too aggressively and scrolling through the Twitter feed. It was fucking everywhere, it was trending. Nat's hands were shaking as they gripped around the phone and she almost gave into the urge to throw it against the fucking wall as it continued to buzz in her hands with notifications for Devin. Then she saw the certificate and the phone just dropped to the floor. This wasn't a joke. This was-- this was real. Natalia began ranting under her breath in French as she paced around the room, walking over to the mini bar and grabbing a glass before pouring some whiskey into it. She didn't give a fuck how hungover she was, she needed a drink.

Devin

"i didn't know, alright?! i haven't been here for four years..... i'm sorry--i...i'll deal with this." devin doesn't even know how to deal with this in the first place. how come her friends didn't stop them last night? how come that everyone just went with it? god....she could remember her face, though....natalia's drunken, but beautiful smile. she remembers them putting on rings....kissing in celebration....that seemed to be a nice memory to have, especially with the dancer. but this just....she couldn't explain it. she can feel how angry she is. how she gripped on her phone, how she reacted seeing the certificate, and now the rambling in french. she couldn't blame her. "nat..." she stands up and walks over to her, taking the glass and bottle of whiskey away. "let's just--let's talk....about this. see what we could do....i can call my publicist right now and have the posts and the articles dealt with--and see what we can do next--what do you want to do next...."

Natalia

“A publicist can’t fix this!” Nat protested, breathing out sharply and groaning when Devin took the drink from her. It was probably a wise decision from the gym owner but, Nat just had no idea what to do or what to think. “It’s the internet, people don’t let anything get erased anymore...” For years, Nat had stayed clear of social media, not wanting to give her Mother the satisfaction of knowing what she was up to and where she was. It was only last year she even got a Twitter, to be able to help the club grow. She took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I just— I never wanted to be fucking married, Devin... I hate it. The whole concept of it is just... Old. Pointless. It’s an expensive bit of fucking paper and silver,” she pointed to the ring which she had no idea why she was still wearing. It felt wrong to take it off though. “I don’t agree with anything it fucking stands for— I don’t need a big, expensive diamond, or a signature on a piece of paper, or witnesses and vows to fucking prove to you that I love you—“ Wait... Had she just... Did she just say that? She froze, and swallowed thickly, eyes quickly dropping to the ground.

Devin

"we can at least--at least let this shit die down, my publicist can do that." natalia was right. even though they could have every picture or video of their....of their wedding posted online, the people already know what's happened, it's all over the news, her management probably has known this right now. she never wanted to be married either, she doesn't imagine herself with the ring and all that shenanigans involved....i don't do those kind of stuff, natalia. not this i--" she wanted a drink herself, but she knew that's probably the worst thing that she could do to herself right now. she was about to speak again when the other continued and said the word she never thought she'll ever hear from her. love.....love? "you....you....what....lassie?" she closes a little bit of distance between them and cups her cheek with her hand, pleadingly looking into her eyes.

Natalia

She had no idea what to do, she had no idea if saying it again would make everything a hundred times worse or better. This was a fucking shit show, and she wanted to start running and never look back but she also just couldn't turn her back on this. On Devin. "I--" She swallowed and shrugged her shoulders a little. If anything, Nat was not a liar, she couldn't say that she hadn't meant those three words because that would be just that; a lie. "Don't make me say it again," she utterly quietly as her eyes slowly came up to meet Dev's. "Does that make this even worse?"

Devin

she could see the worry on the woman's face.....how lost she was for moment...she takes her hand and kisses her back of her palm. devin was....she was a bit surprised that she isn't the only one feeling this, this thing for natalia. she's dismissed it a lot the moment she realized how closer and closer they've gotten for the past couple of months. "i...i heard it loud and clear.....i just wanted to make sure." the wrestler then shakes her head at her question. "no....not at all....i..." she rests their foreheads together. "i could say i feel the same, a mhuirnín..." she stares into those eyes. "i...i love you, too."

Natalia

What was happening? How did they get here? From training partner and client to... Wives? They'd known each other for a few years but all of this really had happened in less than six months... What was next? What should they do now? Then their eyes caught again and this time it was different, there was something else there and it was infectious. Then Devin said those words too and... "Don't," Nat closed her eyes tightly, her hand coming up between them and she loosely placed it over her lips. "Don't say those words to me unless-- you really mean them..." She asked quietly before she felt that lump in her throat swell again and the pain behind her eyes push into them as they watered. "I don't know how to do this..."

Devin

devin had this sad smile on her face. she understood natalia's reaction to this right now. "i mean it...." she quickly reassures the other. "we don't....we don't have to say it, but just know that it's true." she pulls the woman close for a hug, resting her chin on her shoulder. "i don't know how to do this either....but we....we have to do this, together, nat." she slowly back them to to their bed, sitting down and pulling the other to her lap. "we can just....we'll figure this out together. what we need first is to.....to make this shitty hangover go away...."

Natalia

For some reason, what Devin was saying, what had happened last night... It made her heart hurt, and she couldn't figure out it was a good or a bad pain. Nat had never wanted to fall like this for anyone, she had never wanted to question her ways, or change a part of who she was. Though, she knew Devin would never ask her to or even *allow *her to change anything about her, or her job, or the way she was with others. But, at the same time she... Didn't mind it. She knew that Dev was right, that they would figure this out and they'd do it together. She nodded as she let the redhead pull her into her lap. "You have never said anything more right..." She groaned when Dev brought up the hangover again. There was so much more they needed to talk about about this but-- not now, not when they were both so fragile. Nat glanced to the alarm clock on the bedside table. "And fairly quickly, don't you have an interview at 12? It's 8 already..."

Devin

"i uh....right now, you just have to rest. i'll call room service, then take care of us--i can fit everything in four hours. do you want to stay in the hotel for the day, or do you want to come with me at the performance center?" she had so much to do today, and probably have a lot of people to answer anything. her management is going to want answers. she needs to call her publicist, but right now, taking care of natalia is her very priority. she nuzzles her face on the dancer's neck. "i just....i'm still sorry....for ruining your experience. i wanted you to have a good time here in orlando, with me. you can rest, i'll get something for you hangover and do whatever you want. then....my team's probably going to be here."

Natalia

"You need to take some pain killers for your head too, some electrolytes too..." Nat replied quietly as she practically collapsed into Devin's arms. She was tired. Emotionally, and physically from last night. There was a lot she had to think about, a lot that they both needed to think about separately and then come back together and talk about. This was going to be fucking long, and probably messy at points... But, right now, Devin was right, they just needed to clear the hangover. Get through today. This was going to be the hardest one. "I think if we-- if we are seen together today after that... Everyone is going to be looking for it, it's going to make that worse," she pointed to Dev's phone that just was basically non-stop buzzing on the solo couch. "If you need me to come, I will but... I-- I don't think it's a good idea personally, not until you speak to your management..." Nat sighed softly before leaning back, and gently bringing Devin's head up so they could look at each other. "We are still here... We can still have a good time... This is just--" she shook her head, there weren't really any words for it. "Don't carry this blame all on your shoulders, I clearly had to say all those things too... This isn't your fault... Okay?"

Devin

"i'll be alright, nat....i promise." devin has to probably talk about his with her team and then her management when she comes there today, because this is a lot to handle right now. she needs her people to help her and natalia figure out what to do next. and yes--seeing them together in public wouldn't be a great idea. though....it's a good thing that the performance center isn't somehow a public place, it's only a place exclusive to employees and them wrestlers. she wouldn't want her to be away, but at the same time, it's still natalia's decision that devin wants to go with. she reaches her phone from the floor and basically uninstalls her social media applications. and then sends a message to her team to come a little bit later, before putting it back on top of the bedside drawer. "alright....alright." she leans closer and plants a soft kiss on her lips. "if i ever need to come to the PC alone with my team today...i'll just come back here, to you, early. they won't be here in an hour or two." she cups her cheeks, staring deeply into her eyes. "we're going to deal with this, together, a ghrá."

[linoloverimagines]

Burn (MIN YOONGI X READER ANGST) (inspired by the song “Burn” in hamilton)

Dating a non-famous person in the K-pop industry almost seemed like taboo especially if an Idol was dating a foreigner. So, being in a relationship with Min Yoongi one of the biggest boy groups in the industry was a bit of a challenge.

You weren’t a celebrity inside or outside of Korea, you weren’t anything special in the public eye, so getting hate may be heavier for you than other famous people dating idols. Since Yoongi was concerned about your safety and you understood the repercussions if the public found out, you agreed to keep your relationship a secret.

You two have been dating for more than a year now and for the first few months it felt amazing. It helped that you landed a job in big hit as a human resource officer, so you both always had the chance to hang out with each other within the walls of the building.

He would sneak you in his genius lab where you guys would eat, talk, and make love.

It felt perfect.

It came to a point where he asked you to moved into his apartment, you were skeptical at first because paparazzis might spot you with him, but he assured you that the complex was safe and private for celebrities.

He would also bring sample tracks home sometimes and make you listen to them. Seeing him being proud of his work brought happiness in your heart, but sometimes you wished he wasn’t such a workaholic.

You wished that he would have more time with you at home or even in the office, but you couldn’t be selfish since this is his dream and this is what he loves to do.

One day he made you go into his office to listen to a track, you were surprised by the unusual sweet melody and lyrics of the song. When he said that it was written about you and for you, your heart fluttered and you wondered how lucky you were to have such a hardworking yet sweet partner.

As months past by, you noticed that Yoongi comes later than he usually does and in some days he doesnt even go home.

You always tried to be supportive so you kept on getting updates from him or the other boys if he was fine or eating well.

When BTS finally went for a short hiatus, so the members could take a well-deserve break, Yoongi still worked on new tracks in his office. Luckily, one of their managers managed to kick him out and convince him that he needs to go home and rest.

He opened the door to your apartment and gave you a small smile “Hi.”

You ran up to hug him tightly “You’re home early!”

“Yeah....Sejin-nim managed to convince me to rest.”

“That’s great! I’ve missed you so much” you bury your head on his chest

“Ive missed you too, Jagi” he kissed your head

————————-

“Namjoon said that we needed to take a break from our break because we were offered to collaborate with a girl group. He said that it could help our group grow even more...” Yoongi explained why he had to come home late again

“It’s okay, i understand” you sighed “oh, by the way i have to go home next week... there was an emergency regarding my niece and they need me there. I’ll only be gone for a few days though” you informed

“Alright, be safe okay?” He kissed your forehead

—————-

“Y/N, isnt this Yoongi?” Your mom points to an article from a tabloid site on her phone

‘BTS’ Suga seen together with Red Velvet’s Joy in a restaurant’

You laughed it off “it’s probably just for publicity, mom. Their groups are making a collab song”

“Hmm...if you say so, but always remember what i said before i agreed to your relationship.” your mother looks at you with concern

You nodded

You shrugged off the article because it was probably nothing and you trust Yoongi too much to worry.

———————-

“I’ve missed you guys so much and i hope little ______ will be alright, keep updating me alright?” You say to your mom while hugging her goodbye

“You take on your flight, okay?” She kissed your forehead

While waiting for your plane to board, you decided to check new updates about your boyfriend’s boyband on their webpage. Hewas always too busy to update you or even just check up on you, but you understood because you knew how important music was to him.

‘ BTS’ Suga publicizes relationship with Red Velvet’s Joy’ written on the front page of their official site

Your heart dropped, but you needed to be rational. Maybe it was just a scheme to get their fans to get along?

You clicked on the article and saw a video pop up and in the video was your dear Min Yoongi holding hands with Joy.

Your heart sank even further

“I don’t know how or when, But it all just felt right when she finally said yes” Yoongi let out his gummy grin

Thoughts started to plagued your mind

“How can he do this to me?”

“Why did he do this to me?”

Your eyes were blurry with tears, but you were interrupted by a man who tapped you on the shoulder

“Uh, miss i think it’s time to board the plane”

You quickly snap out of your state “oh yes yes, thank you.”

—————————-

During the entire plane ride, you couldn’t sleep. All you did was think of the different things that you could do to Yoongi such as choke him to death, yell at him, or just quietly exit out of his life. You didn’t know what to do and you actually wished that the plane would just crash, so you wont have to feel that hurt anymore.

When you finally arrived at the apartment complex, you looked like your soul was drained out of your body. The flight was 11 hrs and you haven’t had any sleep nor have you eaten anything since you saw the dreadful article.

You opened the door and you were greeted with familiar laughs from familiar male voices mixed with the giggles from females.

Ahhh, the whole boyband was here along with their new girlfriends, including the person your man replaced you with. Perfect.

The laughs stopped when they saw you come in, you scanned the room and there he was sitting next to Joy, looking lovely and bright while you looked like an absolute mess.

“Y/N.” Yoongi immediately stood up and walked over to you.

You could feel your tears welling up again, but you tried to keep your composure.

You couldn’t even mutter a single word without breaking down, all you could do was sigh.

You walked pass him and dragged your luggage to your shared bedroom and he quickly followed.

“Why did i even come here?” You thought

“I can explain everything, I promise” he blurted out

You motioned your hand signaling him to keep talking

“I don’t love her, but i needed to do it for the promo. I’m sorry....” he muttered

“Do you know what my mother said? When you asked me to be yours? She said ‘be careful with that one, love. He will do what it takes to survive.’ No wonder you kept me a secret, you and your words flooded my senses, your sentences left my defenseless! But you’re more Obsessed with your legacy than you are in love with me! You are paranoid on how the public with perceive you if they found out you were dating someone irrelevant!” You cried out

“You told the whole world how you brought this girl into our lives and in wanting to achieve more, you have ruined our relationship!” You added as you bawled out your anger and hurt.

“Min Yoongi, I can’t do this....” You dragged your luggage out of the apartment as he tried to chase after you

“y/n... wait please.” He begged grabbing your wrist

“You are very talented y’know that? You can still succeed without pretending to date someone famous. I-I just cant let myself become this hidden part of your life that you’re ashamed of...” you shook his grip off

“It’s not that I’m ashamed of you, it’s just that... Agh, i dont, agh” he struggled to find the right words

“Goodbye, Min Yoongi”

You walked away and this time, he didn’t follow you anymore.

[dreyblr]

26 things I’ve done I thought I wasn’t capable of doing

Long post alert. After reading Taylor’s article, I thought about my own life and how far I’ve come. She’s the one who inspired me to write this, so, thank you for your endless talent @taylorswift. You’re a gift.

1. Being myself

It has taken me a lot of time to figure out who I am and what I love. I’ve always tried to “fit in”, imitating people to fit in a group. But copying people didn’t make me feel happy. It made me feel even more awkward. I realized I was happy when being myself: getting excited over everything and nothing, giving myself quiet times, wearing pink.... just being myself. I was afraid of being myself but I’m so happy I’ve decided to stop pretending to be someone I’m not.

2. Travelling by myself

I was 16 the first time I travelled without grown-ups, but I was with one of my best friends and we went to London. I thought I wouldn’t make it, I was so stressed, but it was amazing. A few years later, when being 19, I decided to travel to Paris for an internship of 5 weeks, all by myself. I was scared to death. But I did it.

3. Trusting myself

When traveling alone, I had to accept the fact that I had to trust myself. You can rely on yourself only. Trusting myself was a big step for me, as I’ve always lacked of self-confidence.

4. Kayaking by night

Two words that would have made me run away years ago. I don’t like the dark, especially in the nature. I’m scared to death, because I can’t see what’s happening and I’m always afraid that something’s hiding somewhere and waiting for me. I love water, but not too much. I drowned twice, and both times someone had to pulled me out of the water as I already drank water. I wouldn’t be here today without those people. So going in deep water is a big challenge for me. Now imagine going kayaking in the nature at night... I thought I wouldn’t make it. This was a bioluminescent tour, and it was so worth it. Magic happens after surpassing your fears.

5. Going abroad for a year

I’ve always been independent, but a year, 12 months, is so long! I told myself I would maybe go home in the span of a year, but I wasn’t able to. But I managed to stay abroad for a full year and I’m kinda proud of myself!

6. Making three kids love me

When it comes to me, I often think everyone secretly hates me. I can’t prevent myself from thinking that people think that I’m boring, or too quiet, or not fun. And kids are so energetic. But they also have so much love to give. And my host kids really love me, their love is so important to me.

7. Having friends

As I just said, I often think people don’t like me. I thought I wouldn’t be able to make friends here in the USA. Life proved me wrong: I’ve met incredible people, as well au pairs as swifties. Just be yourself and interesting people will come in your way.

8. Getting a masters degree

I love studying. But this level is so much work and dedication. I couldn’t see the end of it, even though it was so interesting and I was thriving. I loved it with my whole heart but I was so scared to fail and not being good enough. But I passed and I even was the second best of the promo.

9. Thinking and dreaming in English

Being fluent in English has always been a dream of mine. Of course I still make mistakes, but I’ve always wondered how it was like to instinctively think in English and not in French. I reached this level while being in the USA, and I remember waking up from an English dream with a big smile on my face. I now regularly think and dream in English.

10. Being accepted in a new family

Joining a host family and living with them for a year is scary. They are strangers, and I had to fit in the family they’ve build years ago. I thought I wouldn’t find my place, but I did, and the kids consider me as their sister. I really found a second family here in the USA.

11. Parasailing

I love adrenaline and sensational activities, but because of water, I’ve been scared of parasailing. What if the boat stops working? What it the parachute is dysfunctional? What if the rope breaks? What if I land in the water? So many what ifs. I learned that the adrenaline was way more stronger than all of those questions, and booked a reservation for parasailing. It was worth it.

12. Making my dream come true

For as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamed about living in the USA. I don’t know why, it’s like it has always been calling me. But the USA? That place was on the other side of the world!! This has been a dream for so long. Something that would stay a dream forever. But a girl named Taylor taught me that dreams are made to follow them. I studied the question and found an amazing way to follow my dream, all while taking care of kids. I was afraid I was not a lucky person to have my dream come true, but if you never give up, you’ll eventually realize your dream.

13. Crying in front of other people

As I’m a shy person, I don’t like to show how I feel. I am very emotional and empathic, so tears can come up easily. But I’ve always managed to hide my tears from others, because crying is so intimate in my opinion. But I’ve learned that sometimes, sharing your sorrow with someone is okay. Crying is okay. Letting go your emotions is okay.

14. Meeting online friends

I was so anxious to meet you guys!!! I was excited but I thought you wouldn’t like me haha!! I’m so happy I did it because I found awesome friends.

15. Acknowledging that I’m introverted and calm

Society makes you feel wrong when you are introverted and calm, because society thinks you’re not interesting enough and thinks you don’t like to be with people. Truth is only extroverted society thinks that way. Because extroverted people can speak up their ideas easier than introverted people. I’ve always tried to be more extroverted but it has always failed. I didn’t want to accept the fact that I was introverted. But I accepted it, and I’ve never felt better. This is who I am, and if people I meet can’t stand it, fine, they can’t be my friends. I want friends that know who I am, not friends that think they know who I am.

16. Singing with other people

A huge challenge for introverted people like me!! The fact is I LOVE singing my heart out, even if I sing wrong. People who know me would be surprised if they saw the private concerts I give in my room... anyway singing is fun, so why not sharing a good moment with friends?

17. Not caring about my appearance

There was a time when I couldn’t go out of my house without foundation, mascara and contacts. Even on a Sunday morning to get bread at the bakery. Now I can spend a whole week with no make-up and glasses, and my life didn’t go worse.

18. Finding a place abroad

Finding another home was a hard thought for me. How? It’s a new culture, new places, new habits. But I found my place in DC, and this city will forever be my second home.

19. Cutting of toxic people

Accepting the fact that some of your friends are toxic is hard, but cutting of relationships is harder. I thought only other people could do it. But I decided to stop having my mental health down because of toxic people and this was one the saddest but best decisions I’ve ever made.

20. Accepting my interests

For a long time, I’ve thought that people wouldn’t like me if I told them I liked Taylor Swift’s music, if I told them I loved love stories, if I told them I loved drawing... but what’s the point of wanting friends who don’t know the real you? These are my interests. If people can’t understand it, they’re not worth my time.

21. Talking in front of a full amphi

My personality made me nervous about that. I went to a finale with my work team in grad school, and we had to defend our project in front of a packed amphi of teachers, researchers, CEOs and students. I had to talk into a mic and I had to know my topic by heart. That was such an intense time of my life and I thought I would make my team fail, we didn’t win the first place but we weren’t last either. I made it!

22. Going to NYC and Broadway all by myself

NYC is my absolute favorite city after Paris. As it’s not far from DC, I wanted to go there all by myself to take pictures and to go to Broadway to see Anastasia. I had been there twice before. I love traveling, but NYC is impressive. I kept thinking something would go wrong but everything went perfectly fine and I had the time of my life.

23. Saying no

This was one of my biggest deals. I’ve always been too nice, for fear of people not liking me. I’ve always said yes to everything, even if I couldn’t do it, I would find a way to make my yes possible. But I understood that some people were trying to take advantage of me and that I had to say no for my own sake. I do it more often now.

24. Teaching ice skating to my host kids

If you’ve ever ice-skated, you know what I’m talking about! Kids are often impatient, and when it comes to ice-skating, the first times are a real challenge. I somehow managed to teach them ice-skating and they are so proud about it (so do I!).

25. Wearing shorts without worrying about people’s look

The look people have on me has always been so important for me. I have a family condition that makes our legs not pretty, I can try all the diets I want and do as much sport as I want to, they will never look the way I want to. I decided to shake it off and wear shorts anyway, and even posting pictures of me in shorts!

26. Loving myself

This must have been the hardest one. I’ve always found things to not like about me, whether it was physically or mentally. It took me so much time to love myself, because I was scared of it. But I learned how to do so, and I’ve been thriving ever since. Loving yourself is the most beautiful gift you can ever do to yourself.

[teatimewithhiddles]

Untitled - Part 1

So this is the very first Tom fic I started quite awhile ago. I'm unsure if it is something I want to continue or if I think it may be complete so I'm posting here for you all to judge.

Thoughts?

*****

"So...I did a thing." I posted on Instagram one afternoon. I had finally gotten the nerve up to cut my hair - short - and dye it a deep red. I had loved it and then I got some negativity and now I was regretting it. Honestly, I was hoping someone would post how much they loved it and make me feel better. I know I shouldn't care but it still hurt when you did something you loved and others couldn't stand it.

I was really hoping Tom would say something without me reaching out for comment. We had been talking back and forth in DMs for months now after I had initially reached out. I was falling hard even though we had never officially met since he lived over in London or was traveling for work most of the time. Occasionally we'd video chat, which I adored since his accent made me swoon.

No one was commenting so I finally fell asleep, reading "Pride and Prejudice" for the 25th time. Around 1:30AM, my phone rang with a notification that someone was trying to video chat. I reached for my phone and accepted the chat. "Hello?" I mumbled. I hadn't put my glasses back on to see who it even was.

"Well good morning, darling. Did I wake you?" Tom laughed.

"Mmm" I mumbled, reaching for my bedside lamp and glasses. Putting them on, I smiled sleepily at him. "No one should be that smiley at 6:30 in the morning."

"I had some time before I left for set and forgot about the time difference, love. Do you want me to call back later?"

"No, no...you'll be busy later. What was so important I had to be woken from a lovely dream where I was already talking with you?" I laughed.

"Your hair."

"Fuck...you hate it, too, don't you?" I sighed, running my hand through it, unable to look at him.

"Quite the opposite actually. I find it hot as fuck." My head snapped up, jaw dropped as he finished his sentence. "I really wish I was there with you right now to mess it up some more. Bed head works quite well with that style" he smirked.

"You...you like it?" I stammered.

"Mmm hmm. I always thought your soul was a feisty ginger" he chuckled. "I could tell you were doubting yourself with that post and had to reach out and tell you how fucking gorgeous you look. Darling, you could rock a paper bag and a mullet and still be beautiful. Your inside will always shine brighter than any diamond. This haircut just brought out more of your inner fire."

"I really did need to hear that" I blushed. "I hate to give people power with their negative words but when I was doubting myself already it didn't help."

"Can you do a thing for me, love? Know how you get all swoony when I run my hand through my hair and hold my glasses in my mouth?"

"I do not!" I lied. It turned me on like a light switch to be perfectly honest but I wasn't letting him know that.

"Loki knows lying, darling" he smirked. "Can you do it for me?"

"Really?" I laughed. He grinned. "Well ok then." I took my glasses off, dangling them from my lips as I looked up and ran my hand through my messy red hair. As I did so, I heard him groan. "You did not just groan!" I laughed.

"I did. I did...of course, the vest you have on that keeps slipping dangerously low is also helping that along" he leered.

I blushed furiously. "Well you were the one that called me when I was asleep. If I had known you were calling I would have slept with a bra on at least!"

He grunted. "You don't have on a...bloody hell. How am I supposed to go to work with this in my pants?!" he laughed and panned down to his lap where he was standing at full attention. "Benedict will never let me hear the end of this if I can't keep this under control!"

"Has it been that long that little ol' me has that kind of effect on you? Braless curves and messy red hair turn you on now?"

"You've turned me on since your first DM with that sweet and sassy mouth of yours. The first time we video chatted I had a problem the entire time. You didn't notice I kept fidgeting?"

My jaw dropped. "You're always in motion. I just figured it was you being you" I giggled.

"Not even close. I was so flustered by my immediate reaction I had to take a cold shower before going to set!"

"I just...I knew we enjoyed talking and I've always found you unbelievably attractive but I didn't know you felt the same way the whole time. I just thought you liked talking to me because I'd give you shit and treat you like Tom instead of "Tom Hiddleston"."

"That's part of it, honestly. You see me. It seems you've always seen me below the actor persona that I adopt at times. You call me out when I'm being a dick even when other people don't believe "Perfect Tom" could pull a dick move. I'm human. I'm not perfect and you never fail to let me know and put me in my place and I love you for it."

I blinked rapidly. "What did you just say?"

"You heard me. Fuck. This is not the way or the time I wanted to say it. It slipped out. Can we just pretend it's like when I call you "love"? Please say yes..."

I took a deep breath. "Yes...I think that's best right now. You've never even met me in person. What if I'm this horrible bitch who smells bad and has a lower half three times bigger than the top? What then?"

"I'd still feel the same. That was something else I wanted to talk to you about. Would you be able to get to New York in three weeks?"

"I can try. I need exact dates, though. Why?"

"To meet me. So I can meet you. I'll be doing promo in the city for the week. Fallon, SNL, Today show. Come spend the week with me?"

"Tom...are you sure? What if I'm bat shit crazy?" I laughed.

"Do you think I'd have video chatted you the first time if I thought that? Luke would've had my hide. He almost had it anyways when I told him what I did."

"He loves me now, though" I laughed.

"He does. Though not in the same way I..." he trailed off. "Nevermind. Anyway...will you come? I can have Luke make the arrangements and let you know which flight and hotel."

"I can take the train and book the hotel. It won't be hard to set up once I know the dates."

"I'd prefer you fly and stay with me...err emmm...in the same hotel at least, on the same floor. So we have more time together. The flight will only take an hour as opposed to a few by train."

"I insist on paying you back. You know that right?"

"I do. Although we may be able to work out a trade" he winked.

"Dirty boy" I blushed.

"Oh...you have no idea" he smirked. "So three weeks from tomorrow we'll both be in New York. I'll let you get to sleep now. Rest well, darling" he smiled and blew a kiss before disconnecting.

I sat there, staring in disbelief at my phone. "What kind of fucked up dream am I having? What did I drink before bed?" I laughed as I tried to fall back asleep.

*Three weeks later - JFK Airport*

"Sarah!" Luke grinned as he came toward me in baggage claim.

"The infamous Luke" I laughed, adjusting my backpack as he grabbed the handle of my suitcase.

"Tom wishes he could have picked you up but he had interviews set up all afternoon. He wanted a quiet dinner in the room if that's alright?"

"Sounds perfect. It will give me a chance to get relaxed and unpack."

[byastrodust]

My honest to god opinion about Larry

I do realize that this is a devastating time for the fandom, yet certain reactions to Félicité’s passing got me thinking. ((This post has nothing to do with that but I might sum up my thoughts on that topic later)).

Let me start with a couple of disclaimers before anyone comes at my throat.

- I’m 23 years old, I’d like to believe I’m a grown ass adult and I rarely concern myself with problems that are not actually mine (I simply don’t have the time ok)

- I DO read (or occasionally write) Larry fanfic for ONE reason: the idea of them as a couple, their dynamic is interesting and appealing and it had a wide audinece. AKA I enjoy the literature.

- there was a time when I was a firm believer of ‘Larry’ but that’s gone now

- also I’m not trying to spread hate, it’s all just my opinion which I’m just as entitled to as you are to yours. If you don’t think the way I do I respect that and we’ll agree to disagree. OK? Cool?

Here’s the TEA ::

1. Larry? Old news.

I don’t think that Harry and Louis are a couple. Tbh I don’t think they’re really friendly anymore even. Why? Because their LACK OF INTERACTION. And for those who will have excuses here’s how I see it. Niall/Harry, Niall/Louis, Liam/Louis had no problem with interacting, going to each other’s shows etc. But all H&L did was awkwardly acknowledge each other’s existence and solo carrier, usually when they’re asked. Yeah they were nice, because neither of them are assholes, but that’s about it. Also, they’re no longer tied to their old management so I highly doubt their lack of interaction comes from a management standpoint. It’s simply not logical. (Also if you really think about it, fans lose their shits when H&L and even mentioned in the same context, what idiot of a management team would not utilize that free promo if they were in fact a couple/friends. This aspect never made sense to me. Let’s be real, show biz is finally(?) realizing that they can market ‘gay’ and it sells. Again, I could write a whole post on that.) So, naturally, their lack of interaction to me clearly indicates that they are not in close proximity to each other. Are they both in London? So am I and millions of other people, it’s simply not substantial enought to count as ecidence.

2. The fandom phenomenon

Is it too late to mention that I’m a psychology major, specializing in fandom mentality and toxic obsessions? Oh well. Here’s my two cents on Larry from a semi(? I’d like to think about myself as a pro but boy I still have years to get there) professional point of view.

Larry shippers are intense, extreme and compulsive. But it’s ok. I’m not here to give anyone that bitter pill of reality and if you want to believe that Larry’s married, living in a cute cottage with a white picket fence, who am I to shatter that picture? Believe it or not, idealization is actually healthy to a certain degree. BUT. The god honest truth is that Larry is a phenomenon created and fueled by obsessive fan behavior and refusal of hard case evidence. I’m sorry to burst a bubble but how many times did they deny Larry? A lot! Even Zayn did in his book (btw who the fuck knew Zayn had a book wow) after cutting all legal ties with 1D. And he was bitter. So if Larry was real, Zayn had the perfect opportunity to expose it. Instead he said that the allegations strained their friendship and it hurt them. Liam said something similar in an Out magazine interview as well (soz I didn’t fact check so feel free to correct me). Why do so many people still believe that Larry is real? Because of the way fans built up their relationship. And here I have to say that I do not exclude the possibility that at some point they might have been more than friends. Boyfriends, fwb, kissed once? Idk. Do I personally believe that any of that happened? No. But it is a possibility. And I see why people would be so hooked on their relationship. But here’s my theory.

You don’t ship Louis and Harry. You ship who you think Louis and Harry are. You ship the idea. Frankly, the fans don’t know them, they only know their public persona, a carefully crafted social construction.

That doesn’t mean that the ‘real’ Harry and the ‘real’ Louis is different from their public persona. It’s more like they’re extentions of each other. Just like you have different personas: who you are with friends, with family, how you behave online or in real life. These personas all build up the personality and they cannot be separated, yet neither is true without the others. (Phew got a little carried away in the shrink bs sorry)

So what fans know is one of their personas (and with celebrities you also have to consider that their public persona is always shaped by the fans’ perception).

In English: fans created Larry and their belief makes it real for them (kinda like in the first season of Supernatural when they hunted a monster that was created by the town’s belief in it)

So for all those reasons, I question the validity of Larry Stylinson. From a completely neutral (well sorta) standpoint it is clear that Louis and Harry are not a couple, but I do see why people want them to be. Honestly, I think this whole thing got a little out of hand and with media outlets like Twitter and Tumblr I doubt it’ll slow down soon. However, the power of the fandom is damn impressive.

And now let me get to why I finally wrote this damn thesis on Larry.

3. What you think is not real

So with Félicité’s passing, the past couple of days I saw people complain about fans taking pictures with Harry on the basis of Larry. Mostly those comments say that fans should respect Harry’s grief and leave him alone. Here’s a couple things to consider (whether or not you believe in Larry)

- Harry is a grown ass adult and if he feels like fans are disrespecting his privacy he will not take pictures with them. It’s his decision and for the love of god don’t treat him like a child that can’t stand up for himself.

- more importantly (and it might hurt, I’m sorry) Harry might not grief Félicité at all. That sounds mean let me explain. Yes, her death is a tragedy, yes it is awful and unjust. But. Unless you had a personal relationship with the person passing it’s not grief, it’s projected sympathy. And that’s all right, it’s natural, and confusing the two is understandable. Here’s a personal example: when my best friend’s mum died I was devastated and sad but I wouldn’t necessarily say I grieved, because I was not in a personal relationship with her. We talked sometimes, we liked each other but that’s it. And I’m not a piece of shit becuase of it. It’s just natural. Same with Harry. I’m pretty damn sure that he feels awful for Fizzy, for Louis, for the situation but that might not be greif. Because it doesn’t affect him personally. So people asking photos of Harry isn’t the same like they’d ask Louis (now that would be outright disrespectful)

Soooooooooooo.

Tbh this is something I wanted to address for a long time but I never had the time or the will to type it. Of course I could be totally wrong, that’s always a possibility. And if you think I’m just talking out of my arse, I respect that.

Actually, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Especially if you believe in Larry.

Please be civil and kind. I’d love to start a conversation.

There are so many more topics I could and would love to address, so I might be back with another lengthy one.

🖤

//footnote: the whole Larry fanfiction thing is a whoooooole another story, but I personally don’t think that shipping and writing/reading fanfiction has anything to do with actually pushing and believing in Larry. A good fanfic I appreciate lol//

[something-tofightfor]

Punisher Season 2 predictions and thoughts

(That nobody asked for)

I’m very invested in this show and so I spent a ridiculous amount of time coming up with my predictions for this season. They’re under a cut.

Enjoy… or don’t.

T-minus 3 hours. Tick tock.

Initial thoughts on Billy are here.

But as for the other characters:

Madani:

I want to see her suffer and be broken by the choices she’s made. It’s no secret that i don’t like her as a character because she’s too cocky, too focused on herself, too… I don’t know, unwilling to admit that she might possibly be wrong about things. I want to see her admit that she made mistakes and that she allowed herself to care for someone that only ever should have been a mission. Billy is to blame for many things. But Madani made mistakes.

She’s going to get arc that will see her go from her lowest point back to her “high” and have her regain her confidence and her strength … but like, she allowed herself to be used and manipulated and worked over. I understand that she’s been through trauma, and that she needs to deal with it in a constructive way. I understand that she has been under a great deal of stress… but is she fit for a job with Homeland? I don’t know.

Madani believes herself to be on the good side… but can this truly be the case if she’s blinded by the need for revenge and vengeance?

Curtis:

I think he’s here to act as Frank’s moral compass again. He went through the shit with Frank with being deployed, dealing with Lewis and even dealing with Billy. I believe that Curtis will try to get Frank to see that Billy’s behavior isn’t a true indicator of what he believes deep down; Curtis will be the one that helps Frank realize just how alike he and Billy truly are, and get him (maybe even both of them) to see reason. Sure, Billy shot Curtis. But Curtis is forgiving. He understands PTSD and suffering better than many… and so I’m hoping he’s got a larger role here and that he can and will balance out the two conflicting sides.

Curtis is on the good side but isn’t afraid to toe the line and challenge the distinction between Frank’s Punisher and Billy’s survival instinct.

Pilgrim:

I’ve tried to stay away from this character just because I don’t want to spoil this aspect for myself… but there are a few things.

1. He’s going to be more creepy and unsettling than scary. He’s going to use rhetoric and appeal to Billy’s thought process (however shattered that may be) in order to get him onto his side.

2. He will betray Billy somehow. He only cares about Amy, and silencing her for whatever reason… and that focus is going to be one of the reasons he turns. Russo is a means to an end, someone to do the dirty work for him.

3. Cold and calculating is always dangerous, especially when someone has time to think. And he looks to have a larger group with him… meaning danger in numbers.

He is the bad guy here. But I don’t think it’s going to be in the sense that we’ve been led to believe.

Amy:

I’m not sure what to think. From the trailers and the promo, she seems like she’s a typical kid trying too hard to be sassy. I think she’s going to appeal to Frank’s “human” side and attempt to keep him grounded and focused and fighting against the bad guys. Aside from Billy, he has no ties to his past life, so what is there to fight for? For hope. I’m not sure that Amy is the hope that Frank truly needs, but we will see. I hope she does more than make jokes and flip her hair around, though.

Amy is just a kid that needs help. One of the good ones, and someone that Frank could use in his life to keep him grounded. Also, I don’t think Amy is her real name.

Krista:

We know that she’s hiding something… and as to what that something is? My guess is that she wants to see how far she can push Billy, how close she can get to the “reall” William Russo… and how much she can influence him. Would I love it if she was simply a therapist that truly wanted to help him? Yes. But that’s not a plot. She’s a trigger somehow. It’ll be interesting to see the dynamic between them… but she doesn’t seem scared of him. Would old Billy flirt with her? Damn straight. Is he in any condition to be flirted with as it stands? No. I don’t want to see her taking advantage.

Krista isn’t good, she isn’t bad… she’s just self motivated, much like Billy was. I believe Billy will kill her.

Karen:

Karen will be brought back in at a moment where Frank’s tether to the real world is faltering. He’s on the edge when it comes to her even though I FIRMLY believe that they love each other. Neither can handle this knowledge, so they keep it unspoken… but Karen is his lifeline. She’s his tie, she’s the one thing that he cares about unquestionably. She’s never failed him, never abandoned him… and even though I don’t think we will get as much Kastle as we deserve, their interactions will be worthwhile. I hope that she gets closure with Frank. I hope that they can find peace with whatever their relationship is at this point. She’s strongest when she’s opposite Frank.

Frank:

Frank Castle is the driving force behind the show, sure, but it’s the surrounding characters that create him. His development and characterization in this season will depend heavily on what happens around him. I believe that Frank will come to terms with a lot this season. 1) He’s never going to be satisfied. It was about his family at first…he killed everyone. Then it was about David’s family. now it’s about Amy… and he’s going to kill a lot of people. Where’s this “after” that Karen wants for him? Answer: there isn’t one. Frank will never be able to be Frank. There’s no Pete, either. He’s going to have to live with the fact that when he let Maria go, he gave up his shot at a real life. Yeah, there will be glimpses of normalcy, but it’s not going to last.

Frank’s going to be very messed up about Billy. They’re (at their core) still brothers. There’s still trust, still some sort of compassion. Billy allowed the kids to die. Billy betrayed Frank. Billy did a lot of bad shit. But Frank’s not stupid. He understands what it’s like to have nothing, to have everything torn away. Frank’s unease and confusion about the Billy situation is something that I’m sure he thinks about every day. Should he have killed him? Yes, probably to follow his “code”… but he didn’t, he let him live because there’s still a connection, a link … and I think that way deep down, Frank still holds out hope that the real Billy is still in there somewhere. He understands what it’s like to live everyday as a nightmare, even if that nightmare is something of his own doing. Billy killed and lied for his own good, to survive and to make something of himself. He may have been VERY misguided… but he had a reason.

Frank? Frank’s reasons are less black and white. Frank acts upon impulse. He fights first and contemplates later. He makes judgement calls based on what he thinks and feels and believes. Frank needs to look closely at himself and comprehend what he’s done and why he’s done it and why he will keep doing it.

What I want to see happen: (in general)

- KASTLE. A kiss, but I’ll settle for an admission of feelings.

- Curtis talking sense into Frank

- Billy and Frank flashbacks from when they served together

- Madani get her shit together so that I can like her as a character

- As little of Amy as possible

- I want to see Billy apologize to Frank and MEAN it. I want to see him stripped down to his core and finally realize that it’s ok to care for things. Not everyone will disappoint you, Russo.

- An uncut fight scene like the hallway and the prison from DD, where Frank is just killing fifty million people one after the other

- As much of Ben Barnes talking in a thick ass New York accent as humanly possible

- Frank Castle have a good day. He deserves it, even if it’s only one.

Predictions:

* Billy does not make it out alive. He sacrifices himself, either for or to help Frank since it’s one of the only ways he can stone for what he allowed to happen (i hope I’m wrong. But this is the only true redemption arc that I can see right now)

* Krista ends up dead

* Madani never gets her shit together and I continue to hate her.

* Billy and Madani have angry hate-filled sex because she cannot stop thinking about him. (This counts if she hallucinates it)

* Curtis and Frank are no longer speaking by the end of the season

* Amy gets to go off and live her life after Frank cleans up her mess

* Karen Page gets to drop some very pertinent information and then goes off and lives her life knowing that she’s never going to have what she truly wants

* Frank understands Billy and what he did/why he did it, but still cannot fully forgive him

* Frank disassociates from his old life entirely and that’s the end of Frank/Pete and the beginning of him acting and living and thinking solely as The Punisher

[allkindfangirl]

#6 “Are you flirting with me?”, #19 “We’re not friends & ”#20 “We’re more than friends.”

It had always been easy when it came to you and Calum. You had been friends for a really long time, ever since you moved to LA and bumped into him while getting some take away.But you had to admit that there had always been something about Calum, about the way he smiled, about the way he talked or the way he got shy and bit his lips, that had always triggered something inside of you. He made you smile everyday and at some point you couldn’t push away the fact that you felt butterflies in your stomach whenever he laid his eyes on you, whenever your fingers touched. He was magical, he made your life so much better and you knew that you were in love with your best friend.

It was a casual sunny sunday in LA. The sun was about to set and the two of you had just finished your ice cream while walking around the beach promenade.“You’re on holiday next week right?”, Calum asked, while walking beside you, his shoulder touching yours every now and then. You nodded. “Finally I have some time off from uni. But you’re gone tomorrow. Which sucks.”

Calum nodded. “Yes, promo. But it will only be one month.”“I will miss you though.”, you answered, looking up to him. “Who will have breakfast, lunch and dinner with me everyday?”, you asked and laughed. But you actually meant it. Calum and you had become inseparable.

You heard Calum chuckle beside you. “Don’t you think you’ll survive one month without me annoying you?”

“Cal, don’t put yourself down.”, you said grinning, slightly pushing his shoulder. “You’re not annoying me at all and you know that. You’re pretty amazing actually.”

“Are you flirting with me?”, Calum suddenly asked and stopped walking to look at you with a grin on his face.

“No Cal. Not really. You would notice trust me.”

“Okay then.”, he said, then continued walking.“You’re an idiot.”, you said as you reached him and the two of you started walking back to your apartment.

When you arrived at your door Calum got silent. “I will really miss you.”, he said quietly as you reached for your keys. You sighted. “I will miss you too.”

“I will hate myself when I’m gone if I don’t get this chest right now.”, Calum said and you looked at him in confusion. He took another breath as you looked up at him.

“We’re not friends.”, he said looking into your eyes. “We’re more than friends. Right?”

For one second you didn’t get what he meant. You head was spinning and your heart was racing when you recalled his words in your head. “We are?”, you asked, but you knew so damn well that he was right. He nodded. “Yes we are.” Then the both of you smiled at each other.

One moment the both of you stayed silent. “So you like me - more than just friends?”, you asked him, just to clarify things. Calum nodded. “Yes - god yes I do.” You couldn’t stop smiling so Calum took the chance and one second later you felt his lips against yours. Your lips were made for each other and the kiss send thousand new kinds of feelings through your whole body.

“I’ve imagined this like a 100 times.”, you said chuckling as you pulled away and Calum still had his arms wrapped around your waist.

“Are you serious you creep?”, Calum asked but grinned.

“You did too, I know that.”, you said, rolling your eyes at him.

“Yes I did.”, Calum admitted, then he pressed his lips against yours again.

masterlist