#i found…… THE item i’ve been dreaming about buying myself like first on the list of Special Things to look for

[notjanine]

LOOK at this shirt i found at a secondhand store today

[anxious-allie-ren]

Hey everyone! I’d like to introduce the new story I am writing! You can find it on both my AO3 and Wattpad. Both of which are linked in my bio. But I’ll also be posting the chapters here for you all. Be easy on me as I haven’t quite figured out how to post chapters on here and create a master list. That is something I will be working on. Alright, now in to the good stuff.

Erota

As the only daughter from a high society family, the pressure is on you to impress the ton and find a suitable match. You hope to find love, but your fate is decided for you. Your marriage is arranged to King Kylo of Chandrila. Pain and tough decisions are soon to follow.

This story is inspired by Bridgerton and regency era.

Hello everyone! I have been dreaming of writing this fic for a bit now and finally gathered the courage to do it! Like I said in the description, this story is heavily influenced by the regency era and the Netflix show Bridgerton. I've done my best to keep it accurate to both the era and the Star Wars world. I hope you enjoy!

The Ton.

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The season has finally arrived. You have officially joined the ton and are coming out into society. The debutantes of higher society are to be presented in court. This now includes you and your family.

You were the only child of the Duke of Selonia. A small territory southeast of Drall within the kingdom of Corellia. It's a quaint little area, nothing to brag about. It was cozy and calm. Many of the families had lived in the area for generations. Neighbors all knew each other. But despite its comfort and kindness it was lacking funds.

Since you had been able to remember, life was very simple. You helped in the gardens, the kitchens, and even with the laundry work. Your family took trips to town often, visiting with the people. Your mother loved to stop at the bakery and buy pastries to bring back to the estate. She told you stories from her childhood as bedtime stories. Coming from a common family and marrying into high society. Your parents married for love and not statues. Many scolded your father for marrying "below his station" but he let their words roll off his shoulders. He was attracted to your mother for her beauty, kindness, and capabilities. Your mother was no stranger to hard work, and she assured you weren't as well.

As you matured, you watched as your home aged as well. Bricks began to weather with time and vegetation started to take over. Farmers had less success each year and businesses were closing. The help your father was once so quick to provide had now dwindled into nothing. There was no help to give. The funding was nearly gone. After your mother's death, the strong and reliable man you had once called your father was gone. What replaced him was a shell of a man. He gave up on his duties as a duke and instead threw his time and money into bad habits. Gambling and drinking had become his crutch.

You lost your mother in your adolescence. Still a young girl so in need of a mother and her guidance. Her death left you confused and in desperate need of comfort. You tried to lean on your father. But in his own grief, he seemed to forget about you. Instead, you turned to your community. The maids and butlers became your family. They ensured your schooling would continue. The men even went as far as to teach you math and science. When you entered your teens, you attempted to take on the dukedom in secret. You went over all the documents and finances, trying to find a way to help your people and restore your estate. It was to no avail. Nothing could be done without your fathers signature. So you were left with no choice but to let it go. You focused on your studies and lessons with the maids. They helped bring you to maturity. Now, it was time to join society as an eligible woman.

Marriage has been heavy on your mind for many years now. The idea of meeting a man and marrying just for statues or titles didn't interest you. Neither of those things mattered to you. A marriage had become something with such a negative connotation. But love, now that was very different. You yearned for a true love match. You craved a deep connection unlike any you'd ever experienced. As a child, you'd developed small crushes on some of the neighborhood children. The butterflies and blushed looks were something you understood. But you'd never felt love before. You loved your family of course. You even loved your townspeople. But that was so different from what you hoped to find.

Becoming a debutante was not something you were looking forward to. Joining the ladies of high society was only asking for drama. But as the daughter of a Duke, it was your duty to join the ton and find a suitable husband. This had become increasingly important as your territory lost more and more money to your father's lifestyle. These thoughts scrambled around your mind as you got ready. You would be heading to the first ball of the season, your entrance into society, in moments. You were dressed in your nicest items. A deep red ball gown embroidered with golden florals along the bottom of the skirt and corset. Your hair was pinned back, allowing your face to stand out. Your maid, Jillian, was helping you put on your shoes as you looked at yourself in the mirror. Jillian had been with your family before your mother passed. She had watched you grow from a pained child to a strong young woman. She was with you every step of the way. Jillian became a motherly figure and your most trusted confidant.

Jillian pats your calf as she begins to stand, finished with clasping your heels. Her touch pulls you from your thoughts. You give her a polite smile and thank her, turning back to the mirror. Your anxiety is growing with each tick of the clock and in typical Jillian fashion, she can sense your discomfort. She comes to stand behind you, adjusting the pins in your hair.

"You know you're prepared for this. There's no need to sit and worry."

You meet her gaze in the mirror, her gentle blue eyes giving you a wave of comfort. You let out a sigh and play with your fingers.

"I felt prepared, but now that it's upon me, I'm not so sure. So much is at stake here, Jillian. The people of Selonia are relying on me to find someone who can help. What if I'm not up to standards?"

Jillian only chuckles at your words and places her hands on either of your shoulders.

"Standards? Now you're just being silly. You are a kind, intelligent, and strong young lady. Any suitor would be lucky to have you as his wife."

You turn to look at her, face scrunched in concentration.

"That's exactly the issue! It can't just be any suitor. They need to be able to fix dukedom and be the love I've been waiting for. What if that's unrealistic? How can I ever find someone to do both?"

Jillian places a comforting hand on your cheek, her thumb slowly stroking your cheekbone. She gives you a small smile before she speaks.

"Is that what you're so worried about? Dear, you're placing too much stress on yourself. Don't worry about the dukedom or Selonia. Go and find your love, everything else will fall in place."

You lean into her hand and smile, her words bringing you peace and a newfound sense of confidence. She pulls her hand away and turns towards your bedroom door. She calls back to you, "Now let's get you going! It's time."

————————————————

The carriage stopped in front of the King's summer estate. Many of the guests were already walking up the grand entrance and making their way inside. Your father hurried around and opened the door for you, holding his hand out and helping you down. Tonight he was doing his best to look and act presentable. You place your hand in his bent arm and let him lead you into the ball. Neither of you had spoken more than a few words to each other in years. You were surprised he even accompanied you tonight. His presence only made you nervous again. You weren't sure what his intent was by coming. Was he finally stepping back into his positions as father and Duke? Or was there some ulterior motive?

You found out quickly as he leaned in to speak to you, just as you were arriving at the entrance of the ballroom.

"I am expecting you to perform well tonight. I want to see gentlemen callers of high status calling on you tomorrow."

You look up at him and furrow your brows in confusion. So this is what he came for? To ensure you schmoozed with the highest titles with the most money? If so, he's going to be very disappointed.

"I'm here to find a reasonable suitor for myself, father. Not a suitor for you and Selonia."

He stops walking at your words, his head turning to look down at you. You can see his clenched jaw and anger in his eyes. His distaste for your words is written all over his face.

"Stop with your foolish girly fantasy of a love match. You're here to do as I say, and I'll be damned if you disobey me."

His words sting your heart. Your father had never spoken to you this way. When you were young, he was always so gentle and loving towards you. Now it seems you're just another pawn to be thrown around his chessboard as he pleased. You swallow the lump in your throat and move your gaze back down. Now was not the time to worry about this. You had more pressing matters.

You allowed your father to lead you to the entrance, stopping to allow the announcer to get your names. You took a deep breath as you prepared to face the ton. First impressions were everything, and you did not want to screw this up. The announcer clears his throat and stands at attention. Everyone in the room stops what they're doing to await the next debutante.

"Presented by her father, the Duke of Selonia, Miss Y/F/N."

You stare forward as your father leads you into the ballroom and towards the King and Queen of Corellia. You both stopped before them, your father unlinking your arms and bowing. You fall into a curtsy, bowing your head in respect. Your father stands back up and looks to the king. You stay still, awaiting the command to move. The king of Corellia rises from his throne and moves to stand in front of you. Everyone holds their breath, watching closely to see what unfolds. He places a gentle finger under your chin, raising your head to meet his gaze.

"Stand up for me, dear. You can relax."

You do as he says and stand quickly, giving him a polite smile as you return his intense eye contact. His finger never leaves your chin. He smiles back at you and begins to speak again.

"You are a true beauty, my dear. You know, they say the eyes are a window to the soul. I can see the love and strength living within yours. Hold onto that, they will be your biggest asset."

Your eyes widen at his words. You can't help the smile that spreads across your face.

"Thank you, your majesty."

With that, he removes his finger from your chin and climbs back to his throne. He turns his attention back to the room and declares, "Let the festivities continue."

Your father grabs ahold of your arm again and leads you away from the thrones. You can feel the crowd staring at you, but you can't find it in you to care. King Luke of Corellia spoke to you! Not only that, but he complimented you. This was a great honor bestowed on very few. You would take his advice to heart.

It seems your father had a different perspective. He leads you to a table with dance cards placed neatly in rows. You begin to search for your name as he smirks and begins talking.

"Compliments from the king will help greatly in gaining potential suitors. You'll be the most desired lady in the ton. Seems finding you a husband of high title will be easier than I thought."

You finish tying the card to your wrist and turn to look at the room. Your father continues to talk as you observe your surroundings. You look up at the elegant chandelier. It shines beautifully in the light, casting sparkles all over the room. You watch as they dance across the guests, creating an angelic and light atmosphere. A waiter comes by and offers you and your father glasses of champagne. You take a small sip and return your attention to the crowd. Many of the ladies are giving you glares or speaking with the eligible men in attendance. You take notice of their attire. Many have much more elegant gowns and jewels on. Their appearance shows how much they have to offer. Your feelings of inadequacy begin to creep back in. You don't even notice a man approaching.

Your gaze stops on a young man across the room. His dark brown curls and bright smile grabbed your attention. He was speaking to another man, seeming to be in deep conversation. His face was so expressive as he spoke, hands moving about to help prove whatever point he was trying to make. You couldn't help but be captivated by him. If there was anyone you were hoping to get a moment with this evening, it was him.

You snap from your thoughts as your father greets him and motions towards you. This man must have been reaching his thirties. Much older than any of the debutantes here. His bright ginger hair stands out like a sore thumb. He makes eye contact with you as your father talks. An uneasy feeling sweeps over you. For some reason, something about this man doesn't sit right with you.

"Y/N, I'd like you to meet the Earl of Drall, Lord Armitage Hux" your father says as he motions towards the man. Lord Hux takes your hand and raises it to his lips, kissing your knuckles. The contact makes you cringe internally. Your father looks at you expectantly and you quickly pull yourself together.

"Hello Lord Hux, it is so nice to meet you."

Your father smiles at both of you and claps a hand on Lord Hux's shoulder.

"Lord Hux here is a good friend of mine. I was hoping to introduce you both tonight."

The uneasy feeling now makes sense. Any friend of your fathers is likely a crook. Not at all the type of man you want to be speaking to. You nod politely, biting your tongue from speaking your mind freely. The men then turn away from you and begin a discussion of their own, leaving you out. You lift your glass of champagne back to your lips and turn your gaze back to the direction of the man you had spotted before.

Instead of finding the curly haired man again, you met eyes with someone else. Standing with his hands clasped behind his back was a raven haired man. He stood tall and broad, much larger than any other man in the room. His gaze pierced through you, making the hairs on the back of your neck stand. You wanted to approach him, but to do so would make you look indecent.

Your eye contact is cut off by Lord Hux coming in front of you. He holds out his arm to you in invitation.

"Would you do me the honor of a dance, Lady Y/N?"

You wanted nothing more than to say no and go speak to the mystery man. Or even go find the curly haired man from before. But you know you had no choice in the matter. To deny him would make you look bad to the ton. Plus, your father would never stand for it. So you placed your hand in his arm and nod.

"Of course, Lord Hux."

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I really hope you enjoyed this! Let me know what you think!

Love,

Allie

[whatwillyoudodifferently]

Look, Louts! Lilies! - Yuri For A Hope-Flung Present and Hopeful Future

Look, I’ll be frank. I typically try to keep to a more formal tone when I write for this blog. I’m not in a formal mood. It is June October 2020, and I, like the rest of you, have been under quarantine for a little over three almost seven months now due to the Covid-19 virus. Throw in a eensy, teensy bit of massive political movements and change in response to police violence and racism, and an increase of police violence and racism in response to those movements, and I think it’s fair to say it’s been a tumultuous couple of months. Except, strangely, it also hasn’t been, because so much of this time has been characterized by ennui and isolation. Stressful, yet soul-numbing. In short, it’s been a very weird place to be in.

So, we’ve all found our different ways to cope. My sister’s way has been getting really into succulents(?), and my way has been buying digital manga and video games. I’ve finished stuff I’ve put off for literal years and bought stuff I had heard was good but wasn’t that hyped to get into. And somehow, the one thing I’ve really gotten into has been yuri? 

Now, yuri has a very long and rich history, as well as its own sets of conventions and nuances, so it is with a great, great, GREAT deal of respect that I say that I’m going to simplify it for this essay as “Japanese media with a particular focus on romance between women” for brevity’s sake. If you want to know more, there’s actually quite a lot that’s been written about it in English, but I’m aiming this essay at English-speakers who have had at least a little experience with yuri and more than just passing knowledge.

Because you see, I’ve found that yuri fans have a lot of things to say about yuri! And a lot of those things really bug me!! “Yuri is only fetish quasi-porn written by men,” “yuri is only bland wholesome fluff,” “yuri is only high school drama,” so on, so on. It made me mad, but it also made me realize something: a lot of people simply must not know how big this field of lilies truly is! How else can we get people saying “yuri is oversexualized” and “yuri is sexless” as gospel truth? Something’s not adding up here, guys!

So, all that is to say I’m doing something different for this blog: I’m writing up a recommendation list of yuri. A large chunk of it will be stuff I’ve read and can officially give my seal of approval to, while some of them are just titles I’ve heard of that I think will interest others. All of them have been specifically chosen to counter common untrue things I’ve heard about yuri as a whole. I hope you can find at least a few things on this list that you will enjoy and help you keep your head as the encroaching darkness lurches yet a few inches closer!

1. “Yuri is all schoolgirl stuff! Where’s the sci-fi, the period pieces, the action, the fantasy?”

Otherside Picnic

What It Is: A light novel series written by Iori Miyazawa (illustrated by shirakaba). Ongoing, four volumes at time of writing. The story is being adapted into a manga by Eita Mizuno, and an anime adaptation directed by Takuya Satou will be airing in January 2021.

What It’s About: It was on her third trip to the Otherside that Sorawo Kamikoshi almost died, and it was on that same trip she was saved by an angel. Toriko Nishina is a beautiful and confident young woman who also happens to have intimate knowledge of the Otherside, a dangerous yet captivating world that Sorawo can’t help but being drawn to. Toriko convinces Sorawo to join her on her expeditions to the Otherside, fighting off bizarre creatures that have somehow been ripped out of Japanese urban legends and finding strange artifacts in order to make a little extra cash-- all the while keeping an eye out for someone dear to Toriko’s heart.

What I Think: Otherside Picnic is heavily inspired by the novel Roadside Picnic by Arkady and Boris Strugatsky and features several creatures and scenarios from ghost stories, net lore, and-- there’s no other way to put this-- creepypasta. On paper this sounds deeply unoriginal, so it’s pretty surprising that OP has an incredibly strong identity. The idea of fusing horror with a yuri love story excited me enough the moment I heard about it, so when I finally got to read it for myself, I was delighted to find that the horror elements and the romance elements are both quite strong. 

I will say that thanks to the author’s commitment to following his sources of inspiration to the letter sometimes causes him to undercut his own writing (good example: in one arc there’s an ominous train that keeps being mentioned, causing the reader to dread its arrival with each passing page, but seeing what’s on the train will inevitably fall flat in comparison to the reader’s imagination), but those moments are made up by the more original moments-- the things that are left unseen and unexplained.

The place where the story truly shines is the relationship between the two leads. Sorawo and Toriko are great characters, both incredibly charming and deeply flawed, and they achieve a great chemistry with each other right off the bat. Sorawo is a very interesting protagonist, one who turns out to have a deeply tragic past that has made her into a reclusive, somewhat selfish young woman. What’s great is that Toriko, vivacious and confident, everything Sorawo isn’t, accepts this part of her, in a way. Toriko flat out admits she’s not looking for a particularly virtuous person to accompany her, but an “accomplice.” A big part of the appeal of OP is seeing these two “accomplices” bounce off each other, and eventually come to care about each other, all playing against a background of some genuinely spine-crawling horror. Otherside Picnic is a truly underrated series, and I deeply hope that the anime adaption next year will finally get it all the eyes it deserves (menacing phrasing very much intended).

Where To Get It: The light novels are published by J-Novel Club and can be found via various digital platforms and bookstores. The manga will be published by Square Enix Books starting May 2021. The anime will start airing on January 4th, 2021.

Goodbye My Rose Garden

What It Is: A manga by Dr. Pepperco. Three volumes, complete. It inspired a stage play that ran for a while in Japan, but not much information is available about it in English. 

What It’s About: Hanako has two goals: to meet Victor Franks, the mysterious author who pens the books she adores, and to become a writer herself. Despite having the mettle to travel to England on her own to pursue her dreams, she soons finds that it’s difficult for a young, unwed Japanese woman to dream in 20th century London. However, her luck seems to turn around when she meets Alice Douglas, a noblewoman who offers her a job as her maid-- as well as a surprisingly warm friendship. Alice even offers Hanako a way to meet her idol… but at the price of a horrifying request.

What I Think: In the afterword of Volume 1, Dr. Pepperco openly admits that Goodbye, My Rose Garden was the result of them trying to marry all of their favorite tropes (“Victorian maids! Loads of frills! An English family manor!” are some standout items), and this is apparent in the best way possible. GMRG is a lush period piece that will likely appeal to fans of movies like The Handmaiden and Portrait Of A Lady On Fire, with loving attention paid to details like clothes and settings. 

The relationship between Alice and Hanako is quite charming, with Alice supporting Hanako as much as she can while still taking every available opportunity to tease her, while Hanako constantly surprises Alice each time she shows her moxie and strength. It’s an adorable, sweet dynamic, yet a dark, melancholy weight lurks in the background in the form of Alice’s request-- in short, it’s a relationship that feels tailor made for me. Still, I believe this “darkness” never threatens to overwhelm the story, only enhance it in such a way that the reader will soldier on, hoping for a happy ending for our two leads. With an engaging plot and gorgeous art, this is a great manga for both longtime yuri fans and newcomers looking for an introduction to the world of yuri.

Where To Get It: Seven Seas Entertainment has translated the first two volumes, with the final one coming to English soon all three volumes into English.

Seabed

What It Is: A visual novel by paleontology, a Japanese doujin circle.

What It’s About: Mizuno Sachiko is a designer who is haunted by visions of Takako, her vivacious childhood friend and former lover. Narasaki Hibiki is a psychiatrist who wants to help Sachiko make sense of these hallucinations. Takako is… confused, trying to figure out why she keeps losing her memory and why she and Sachiko drifted apart despite being so close. Seabed is a story that spans the pasts and presents of these three women as they attempt to find and understand the truth.

What I Think: At first glance, Seabed seems simple, but it’s a bit of a hard story to explain. In a way, there isn’t much to explain-- it’s a very slow, down-to-earth story that gets almost tedious at times. I think it would be a hard sell to someone who isn’t used to visual novels, but I could imagine it being challenging even for fans. All I’ll say is this: if you give Seabed a chance, it will draw you into a surreal, gentle, melancholy tale akin to slowly sinking beneath the water of a strange, yet not unfriendly sea. For its simplicity, it’s got quite a few surprises in its long, long runtime, and any attempt to explain further will just ruin an experience that’s meant to wash over the reader over time. The only thing I’ll say is the one thing I think everyone knows: the climax will make you cry.

Where To Get It: Seabed is published in English through Fruitbat Factory and is available on Steam, Itch.io, and Nintendo Switch.

SHWD

What It Is: A manga by Sono. Ongoing.

What It’s About: Sawada is one of the few women working for the Special Hazardous Waste Disposal, and the only one in her office. But that changes when the stunningly-strong yet staggeringly-sweet Koga is hired, and the two become close in no time. Sawada trains Koga and soon the two go on their first mission to dispose of the “hazardous waste” left after a recent war… the dangerous, organic anti-human weapons known as the Dynamis.

What I Think: SHWD opens with several close-ups of Sawada’s arm muscles as she works out. I have found that page alone is sometimes enough to convince someone to read SHWD, and if not, pictures of Sawada and-- especially-- Koga are often enough to do the job. In all seriousness, what I love about SHWD can be summarized by something Sono said in an interview about the manga:

‘The first motivating force was "I want to write a yuri manga featuring strong women." I was very drawn to strong female characters by watching "PERSON of INTEREST" and "Assassin's Creed Odyssey." However, I felt that I should differentiate myself by doing something other than a "strong woman" and "weak woman" dynamic. So, I thought about coupling women with different types of strength. This is why all of the SHWD main characters are "strong women."’

It’s a mindset I love a lot. Koga is remarkably strong in a physical sense, but her mental fortitude is fragile due to her past experiences with the Dynamis, and as such, it’s Sawada who uses her immense mental strength to support her. Indeed, every character in SHWD so far bears intense trauma born of the Dynamis in some way, and it’s hard to see how their pasts still hurt them in the present. But that just makes it satisfying to see these women come together to support one another. SHWD drew me in with a unique and often dark action-oriented story with horror elements, but it’s this idea of “strong women” who make up for each other’s weaknesses that really makes it dear to me. 

Also, it can’t be stated enough that Sono is so so so so so (etc) good at drawing muscular women. 

On a completely unrelated note, there’s a side story about Koga and Sawada playing sports together. This includes judo. I am saying this for no reason.

Where To Get It: The English translation of the manga is released in chapters by Lilyka Manga.

Sexiled: My Sexist Party Leader Kicked Me Out, So I Teamed Up With a Mythical Sorceress!

What It Is: A two volume light novel series by Ameko Kaeruda, illustrated by Kazutomo Miya. Possibly complete.

What It’s About: Tanya Artemiciov is an absurdly talented Mage. So why the hell was she kicked out of her adventuring party? Her leader and former friend sums it up in four words: “You’re a woman, Tanya.” In a fit of rage, Tanya channels her anger into a “venting” session that involves swearing her head of and casting a volley of Explosion spells into the wasteland… and accidentally releases a legendary sorceress! Luckily, Laplace is actually quite nice, and just as powerful as the legends say, so the two decide to team up so Tanya can have her revenge!

What I Think: So, this is a silly one, but after a couple of darker entries I think it’s a good palate cleanser. Sexiled is a loud, not-even-remotely subtle, unabashedly feminist take on the “power fantasy” light novel, especially the “revenge fantasy” subgenre-- and even if that sounds awesome on paper to you (ex. me), it will probably feel over-the-top at times to you (ex. me). But in a way, that’s actually kind of its charm. 

I like that Kaeruda utterly refuses to let up on what she wants to tell you, especially because the story was inspired by a real case in Japan. One may be tempted to think “this story is ridiculous, no one would ever be this cartoonishly sexist!” and then you read a news article about how in a famous Japanese medical university was found rigging the test scores of women, and you realize, “oh, people are still this cartoonishly sexist.” So I’m fine with Kaeruda letting it all out in this story. At the same time, I think Sexiled is best when it’s focused not on Tanya’s revenge but on her kindness, and the way her compassion, her strength, and yes, her anger inspires the women and girls around her. 

Sexiled is a fun and often very funny romp about assholes getting theirs, with some surprisingly deep and nuanced moments hiding in a very unsubtle story.

Where To Get It: The light novels are published by J-Novel Club and can be found via various digital platforms and bookstores.

BONUS: Other titles with sci-fi/fantasy/action elements that may interest you!

The Blank Of Describer: A one-shot manga by kkzt about a pair of two dream-builders. They’ve taken all kinds of commissions in the past, but one job they recieve throws them for a loop: a request for a shinigami that can predict and report death. And then comes the kicker: the customer asks the two of them to give it features that the both of them “adore the most…” (Published in English by Lilyka Manga)

A Lily Blooms In Another World: A light novel by Ameko Kaeruda (illustrated by Shio Sakura), author of Sexiled, about Miyako, a Japanese wage slave reincarnated into another world based on her favorite otome game. However, she’s not interested in her would-be love interest, but in Fuuka Hamilton-- the game’s villainess! After Miyako confesses her love, Fuuka decides to give her a challenge: if Miyako can make her say the words “I’m happy” in fourteen days, she’ll stay by her side! (Published in English through J-Novel Club, available on various platforms)

Superwomen In Love: An ongoing manga by sometime about the sentai villainess Honey Trap and her infatuation with the masked superheroine Rapid Rabbit. After being kicked out of her evil organization, Honey Trap decides to team up with her former nemesis to fight evil-- and hopefully, find romance! (To be published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment, coming in April 2021)

2. “Yuri is all stories about teenagers! Where’s the stuff about adults?”

Take a look at the previous section: there’s the stuff about adults! Otherside Picnic, Goodbye My Rose Garden, Seabed, SHWD, Sexiled, The Blank of Describer, A Lily Blooms In Another World, and Superwomen In Love are all stories with adult-aged protagonists! But if you’re searching for a more down-to-earth romance, I’m happy to report there’s quite a bit of options to look into!

Still Sick

What It Is: A manga by Akashi. Three volumes, complete.

What It’s About: Makoto Shimizu is an office lady with a secret: she’s a yuri fan who draws doujinshi. She’s able to keep her two lives separate, all until the day she comes face-to-face with her co-worker at a convention! To Makoto’s horror, Akane Maekawa is amused by her nerdy secret, but Akane may have some secrets of her own...

What I Think: This one was a roller coaster for me: I loved the premise of the manga, but wasn’t sure about the dynamic between the leads… that is, until near the end of the first volume, where something happened and everything changed. Without giving too much away, I implore people to give Still Sick a chance-- it has a much deeper story than one might initially guess, as well as an interesting character dynamic between the two leads with some surprising turns.

Where To Get It: The first two volumes of Still Sick are published in English by Tokyopop, with the final one coming soon All three volumes have been published in English by Tokyopop.

After Hours

What It Is: A manga by Yuhta Nishio. Three volumes, complete.

What It’s About: After being ditched by her friend at a club, Emi Ashiana is ready to write the whole night off. All that changes when she meets Kei, a DJ who seems to be everything Emi is not-- cool, confident… employed.... But Kei and Emi hit it off and Emi’s life changes as Kei draws her into the world of Japan’s club scene!

What I Think: It’s hard to explain exactly why I like this manga, but I reeeeally like this manga. 

There’s just something about the sleek art, the amazing atmosphere of the scenes set in nightclubs, the chemistry between Emi and Kei, the focus on more mature topics.... it’s a manga that’s remarkably magnetic for how down-to-earth it is. It’s also just interesting to read stories about subcultures that don’t normally get a spotlight in comics. To sum it up, After Hours is just a lovely manga that’s severely underrated that’s perfect for someone who’s looking for a story that’s both fun and mature.

Where To Get It: All three volumes are published in English by Viz Media.

How Do We Relationship?

What It Is: A manga by Tamifull. Ongoing, five volumes at time of writing.

What It’s About: Miwa and Saeko’s first meeting is… interesting. But despite that, and despite their clashing personalities, the two of them become fast friends. Well… actually, perhaps more than friends. You see, pretty soon the two of them learn that the other is into women. With that in mind, Saeko suggests they try dating each other-- might as well, right? “Might as well” seems like a strange place to begin a relationship, but perhaps even something like that could end in true love?

What I Think: “Why do romances always end when they decide to start dating?!” That’s the question Tamifull poses in the afterword of Volume 1. And it’s a great question! What makes How Do We Relationship? an interesting manga is how oddly realistic it is, highlighting things like the compromises people make in relationships, people who get into relationships for pragmatic reasons rather than love, the whole “thing” about sex… as well as highlighting the additional issues queer people have to deal with. That may sound like a heavy story, but it’s actually quite light-hearted, as well as very, very funny at times. With a cute art style and surprisingly deep premise, HDWR is a great manga for older yuri fans who are craving a more mature story.

Where To Get It: The first volume has been published in English by Viz Media, with more on the way.

BONUS: Other titles with adult protagonists that may interest you!

Even Though We’re Adults: A manga by Takako Shimura about two women in their thirties. Ayano and Akari meet each other in a bar and almost immediately feel a sense of chemistry between them. There’s just one problem: Ayano is married to someone else. (To be published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment, coming in January 2021)

Doughnuts Under A Crescent Moon: A manga by Shio Usui. Uno Hinako wants nothing more than to be seen as a normal young woman, but she just can’t seem to make a “normal” romance work. But maybe Sato Asahi, a woman who works at the same company as her, can show her a new kind of normal? (To be published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment, coming in February 2021)

Our Teachers Are Dating: A manga by Pikachi Ohi. Hayama Asuka is a gym teacher, Terano Saki is a biology teacher. One day, they come into work both looking suspiciously happy… because they’ve started dating! (Published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment)

I Married My Best Friend To Shut My Parents Up: A one-volume manga by Kodama Naoko. Morimoto is sick and tired about constantly being badgered about finding a man to marry, so her kouhai from her high school days offers a solution: marry each other to make her parents back off! (Published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment)

Now Loading…!: A one-volume manga by Mikan Uji. Takagi has just snagged her dream job at a games publisher, but being put in charge of a mobile game that’s barely pulling in any attention isn’t exactly what she was hoping for. What’s worse, she’s drawn the attention of her strict higher-up Sakurazuki Kaori… who also happened to design her most favorite game of all time?! (Published in English through Seven Seas Entertainment)

3.  “Yuri is all schoolgirl stuff! Where’s- wait, didn’t we already do this one?”

Yes we did. And you know what? I’m making a stand! There’s a lot of really, really good yuri stories set in high schools, and I think more people need to give them a chance! Here are some high school titles that I think are worth a second look for one reason or another!

Bloom Into You

What It Is: A manga by Nakatani Nio. Eight volumes, complete. A twelve episode anime aired in 2018, covering about the first half of the series. A three volume spinoff light novel series written by Hitoma Iruma was also published.

What It’s About: Yuu Koito has long dreamed of the day she’d find That One, Storybook Romance that would make her feel like she was walking on air, but the day that a boy confesses to her, her feet remain firmly planted on the ground. When she meets Touko Nanami, a girl who seems to have the same strange, distant relationship to romance as she does, Yuu feels like she has found a comrade. But what will happen when the next person to confess to Yuu… is Touko?

What I Think: What can I say about Bloom Into You that hasn’t already been said? There’s a reason it’s basically considered a staple of yuri despite being only five years old. The art is beautiful and delicate, the story has a deft mastery of comedy, drama, and romance, and the characters are deeply loveable. Really, the only reason this one is here is to tell you to get to reading this manga (or watching the anime) if you haven’t already. So get to it!

Where To Get It: The entire series-- as well as the spinoff light novel series Regarding Saeki Sayaka-- has been published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment. The anime is currently streaming on HiDive.

Yuri Is My Job

What It Is: A manga by Miman. Ongoing, seven volumes at time of writing.

What It’s About: Hime wants nothing more than to be adored by everyone and to someday bag a rich husband. Of course, being loved by all takes a lot of work, and she prides herself in keeping her perfect, adorable facade so well-maintained. But of course, the one time she slips up, she ends up injuring the manager of a local cafe! Hime finds herself strong-armed into working for this cafe under their star employee, a kind, graceful girl named Mitsuki. But things aren’t quite so simple-- you see, this cafe has a gimmick in which all the employees are constantly acting out yuri-inspired scenes for the customers, so in a way, the employees also have their own facades. And under her facade, Mitsuki… hates Hime’s guts!

What I Think: Yuri Is My Job is an odd duck, but in a good way. It’s advertised and initially framed as a comedy, but it becomes a surprisingly thoughtful drama about the personas people adopt and why they do so (though, luckily, the comedy never truly goes away). There’s an interesting web of relationships between the girls, and having those interactions take place in a setting where they must act out a completely different sort of drama adds an extra level of drama and intrigue. The cute, polished artwork is just the icing on the cake. YIMJ is a good manga for those who are already familiar with yuri tropes and those who are interested in a drama that doesn’t get too heavy.

Where To Get It: Six volumes have been published in English by Kodansha comics, with the seventh on the way.

Riddle Story of Devil

What It Is: A manga written by Yun Kouga and illustrated by Sunao Minakata. Five volumes, complete. A 12 episode anime aired in 2014.

What It’s About: At Myojo Private School, an elite all-girl’s academy, Class Black has a secret. Twelve of the thirteen girls are actually assassins who have been offered a dark deal-- one wish will be granted to whoever manages to kill Haru Ichinose, the thirteenth student. But there’s still hope for Haru in the form of Tokaku Azuma, one of the assassins who has decided to defect to Haru’s side-- and defend her from the other girls at any cost.

What I Think: I’m not sure… if I can say Riddle Story of Devil is “good.” It’s definitely something. Although its premise is vaguely similar to Revolutionary Girl Utena, its tone and atmosphere remind me a lot more of the Dangan Ronpa series. It’s schlocky and ridiculous and often over-the-top and at times exploitative. It’s pure junk food, basically… and I believe that’s where the charm comes from. It’s my guiltiest of guilty pleasures. It may not exactly be good, but more often than not, it’s fun. It’s hard not to be immediately interested in a yuri battle series, you have to admit. 

And if it does have one undeniably good element, it’s Tokaku and Haru’s relationship. They contrast each other nicely, and while one might expect Haru to be boring and helpless, she’s actually quite proactive at times, and some of the most interesting, engaging parts of the series come from seeing how the two work together to fend off the latest assassin. It’s a short read and if anything, it’s worth it to see how each girl ends up. I recommend it for older viewers who are okay with violence and ludicrous battle scenarios.

Where To Get It: All five volumes are available through Seven Seas Entertainment. The anime can be watched through Funimation.*

*Please don’t watch the anime.**

** At the very least, please don’t watch the anime unless you’ve read the entire manga. Riddle Story Of Devil was one of those unfortunate cases where the anime adaption was produced before the manga reached its conclusion, and as such it has a very strange, rushed ending that includes none of what I enjoyed about the actual ending. Several scenes were also changed, and if I recall correctly, fanservice was added in several places where there was none previously. All in all, I’d really only recommend it for big fans of the series.

Side By Side Dreamers

What It Is: A light novel by Iori Miyazawa, illustrated by Akane Malbeni. One volume, complete.

What It’s About: Saya Hokage has been suffering from insomnia, but one day finds relief in the form of Hitsuji Konparu, a strange girl who can put people to sleep. As it turns out, Hitsuji is a person who has the special ability to move freely in their dreams, known as a “Sleepwalker.” The Sleepwalkers have been battling beings that possess people through their dreams, and it turns out they want Saya to join them in the fight.

What I Think: Side By Side Dreamers is short and… well, dreamy. I really enjoyed the premise and I think it’s a good novel for people who think Otherside Picnic may be a little too much for them. I also enjoyed each dream sequence-- I tend to find that the writing in light novels is a little dry, so the use of figurative language to describe these scenes was really refreshing and interesting. SBSD is a fun oneshot that I think is especially ideal for newcomers to yuri.

Where To Get It: Side-by-Side Dreamers is published by J-Novel Club and can be found via various digital platforms and bookstores.

Cocoon Entwined

What It Is: A manga by Yuriko Hara. Three volumes, ongoing.

What It’s About: Hoshimiya Girls' Academy is a strange, almost otherworldly paradise with a peculiar tradition. For all three years, each girl grows out her hair to absurd, breathtaking lengths, in order for it to eventually be cut and weaved into uniforms for future students. Perhaps it is these strange uniforms that seem to whisper about the past that makes the school seem frozen in another time… picturesque, yet stagnant. But one day, a shocking incident shatters the quiet peace of the academy, and the tumultuous feelings that have long been hidden in the hearts of these girls come rushing into the light.

What I Think: Cocoon Entwined is, in a word, eerie. It’s not marketed as a horror story, and I don’t think it’s intended to be one, but I’ve seen some that say they get horror vibes from it. I definitely understand that-- there’s a deep sense of unease that permeates the entire story in a way that’s a bit hard to articulate. The running thread of uniforms made from human hair definitely doesn’t hurt (it does-- I’ve seen many people understandably turned off by this element), but it’s more than that. It’s the sense that everything at Hoshimiya feels frozen and fragile. It’s the sense that everyone is burying their true feelings under countless layers. It’s the fact that in one scene, Saeki reaches out in a dark room full of uniforms and feels her arm touched by countless hands made of hair. 

Cocoon Entwined is a strange manga, and I feel it’s not for everyone-- besides the way many are put off by the central premise, the way that the story jumps around in time can be a bit confusing to follow. But in my opinion, I love it for these elements: the uniforms and their marriage between beauty and grotesque, the sense of frozen time, the delicate artwork that feels like it might be shattered by the weight of your gaze, the strange, airless atmosphere, the girls and their clear exhaustion of having to be ideal women. It’s a strange little series that I think should be given a shot, particularly if you want something a little more out there, or a darker take on Class S tropes.

Where To Get It: Yen Press has currently published two volumes in English.

BONUS: Other high school titles that may interest you!

A Tropical Fish Yearns For Snow: A manga by Makoto Hagino. Konatsu Amano has just moved to a new town by the sea, and must deal with her new school’s mandatory club policy. Luckily, she meets Koyuki Honami, an older girl who runs the Aquarium Club. Recognizing her loneliness, Konatsu decides to join her club. (Published  in English by Viz Media)

Flowers: A four-part series of visual novels published by Innocent Grey. Flowers focuses on Saint Angraecum Academy, a private high school that prides itself on overseeing the growth of proper young ladies. One notable thing about the academy is the Amitié program, a system that pairs students together in order to foster friendships between the girls. But friendship isn’t the only thing blooming… (Available in English from Steam, J-List, and JAST USA)

Adachi And Shimamura: A series of light novels written by Hitoma Iruma and illustrated by Non that has recently received a manga adaptation and an anime adaption. Adachi and Shimamura are two girls who encounter each other one day while cutting class. Little by little, the two girls become a part of each other’s lives, and feelings begin to form. (The light novels are published in English by Seven Seas Entertainment, the anime is licensed by Funimation)

And there we go! 24 different yuri titles. I didn’t even go into the series that I tried but personally didn’t like that still might interest other people. I primarily made this list to gush about yuri that I liked, but I also tried to include a fairly wide range of things so that, hopefully, any random person who read this whole list could find at least one new title that interests them. And I hope that includes you!

The yuri scene is quite large and wonderful if you know where to look, and it too often gets a bad rap. I hope that this list could give you a new perspective on what kinds of titles are available, and I hope it gives you something new to try. And remember: if you want something specific, try looking for it! There’s a good chance the story you’re craving is already out there, waiting to be discovered!

[psychedellic-phase]

Fifteen (pt 13)

(gif by me! I use the iphone app momento)

tw: language, angst, mentions of drug use (relapse), mentions of miscarriage

word count: 7.3k (im sorry)

masterlist

series masterlist

Spencer got up from the cold tile floor, fuzzy unicorn in hand, and faced the window above the kitchen sink. He stared out of it, admiring the snow that was still falling lightly, wondering if it was raining in Seattle. His memory flashed to the last time he stood in the rain with you, but he tried to shake the images away. Instead he watched the snowflakes hit his windowpanes and melt. He hoped that maybe you were somewhere staring out of a window, admiring the dreary weather, and thinking of him too. 

He found his place against the dishwasher again, sliding down as his mismatched socks gave way so he could stretch his long legs out fully. He pulled the nearly empty box onto his lap and appreciated the light weight of it, as he continued with his twelfth letter and thirteenth item. Thirteen, a number whose history of unluckiness stems all the way back to the thirteen attendees of the Last Supper, and tracks through the number of steps leading up to the gallows, all the way to the number of letters in the names of some of the most infamous criminals. 

Thirteen was a haunted number, which rightly accompanied a haunting letter. 

“This one’s long. It’s a month of tarnished memories packed into a few pieces of paper. So far I’ve gone through half of a college-ruled one subject notebook and I’ve had to change pens twice. It’s nearing 2:30, and the wine is finally hitting my empty stomach. Sorry in advance for the way my handwriting will be. I’ll try to make this make as much sense as I can. 

If you look at your thirteenth item it is the notepad I stole from that resort in Florida. There isn’t much around to signify this letter. You don’t keep mementos from one of the saddest days of your life, but for some reason I took this useless paper and shoved it in my purse on my way out. Good thing I did, or you’d have no item to attach to these memories. Though I suppose that might be better. 

The resort was where we were going to be at for our ‘babymoon,’ whatever that is. What a dumb idea, I’m still mad at myself for letting Garcia talk us into one. She just made it sound so appealing. 

Once everyone knew I was pregnant, Hotch pretty much sat me in Quantico with Penelope. There were a few local cases where I was lucky enough to go visit the ME’s office, but usually I kicked my feet up in her lair while you were out in the field. 

“A what?” I said one day as she ran DNA through CODIS. The two of us were drinking herbal tea, and I was barely 16 weeks. I just looked like I had a big lunch in my stomach, not a baby the size of an avocado. 

“A babymoon. It’s like a honeymoon, but you go when you’re pregnant. It’s one last trip for mommy and daddy to go on and spend quality time together. How many trips have you and Dad-Wonder even been on?”

I shrugged. We didn’t travel much for pleasure. We traveled for work, so on our rare days off we liked to be at home. 

“I mean we’ve gone to Vegas and Connecticut a few times.”

She rolled her eyes, “Visiting family, my dear, is not a vacation! I was thinking you two would go to the beach. You guys relax and wade in the ocean and Spencer can build sandcastles that defy every law of physics!”

I laughed at that. You and the beach? It just didn’t feel natural to me. Probably because you aren’t capable of actually relaxing.  

“That does sound fun,” I said and I spoke to my barely there stomach, “And it would make daddy take a few days off.”

Penelope squealed and started clicking at her computer, “I’ll find a resort online right now! Okay so how about Marco Island? It’s gorgeous and in Florida, so it’ll be like eighty and sunny, even in the beginning of December.”

“I’ll have to talk to Spence about it. I mean I know it would be fun and all but we really should be saving money for a crib, and car seat, and bassinet, and high chair, and a rocking chair, and a baby swing, and a—“

Garcia stopped me from spiraling out of control, “That is why you throw a huge baby shower! People buy those things for you.”

I rubbed my tummy again, “Oh no, Daddy is very particular about what things are bought.”

“That’s why you have a registry, Momma Bear. Now, no more excuses.”

Before I could even call you, she had put in both of our requests for days off and we had a week long reservation at this fancy resort that you see listed at the top of this notepad, the “Crystal Cove”.  

I was only slightly mortified that she did all this without me asking you. Mostly, I was happy. I was afraid you wouldn’t say yes, but if PG already booked it, you kind of had to agree. And to my surprise, you did. 

When you got back from that case we were at home, you eating something I had poorly made from a random cookbook on a shelf. I had decided to start cooking more, so I could make homemade meals. I wanted to be that mom who cuts sandwiches into flower shapes and always has fresh baked bread and cookies laying around. I wanted us to be those parents; the ones who are so sickeningly in love that their kids roll their eyes every time they kiss. We were those parents, kind of, if we could even be considered ‘parents.’ At that point, I don’t think we were. But we were definitely in tooth-rotting, sickeningly sweet love. 

“So, I have a surprise for you,” I said, coming up behind you and rustling your hair. 

“Hm?” You said, stuffing your face like you hadn’t eaten in days. You probably hadn’t. You’re the king of forgetting to eat. Maybe that’s how you stay so skinny. 

“I booked a trip, well I guess technically Garcia did.”

“A trip?” You raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, a trip, to the beach. Penelope called it a ‘babymoon.’”

You laughed, “A babymoon? I’m not familiar."

I smiled and sat across from you, “It’s like a honeymoon, except it's just me and you relaxing and spending quality time together before this lil dude makes his appearance.”

You smiled, “I’m telling you, it’s a girl.”

I rolled my eyes, “It’s definitely a boy, but stop ignoring my offer.”

“Well, it’s not really an offer so much as it is you telling me that we’re doing this.”

“Okay, yes Garcia helped me book it already, and yes she put in our requests for days off, but you can say no.”

You did your little nose twitch scrunch thing, “I’d never say no to quality time with you, Love.”

You leaned over and kissed me, and I squealed, “I’m so excited! I have to buy maternity bathing suits now! Oh and a sunhat!””

Spencer smiled fondly, recounting that day. He was thrilled to go, minus the part where he’d have to wear shorts, and flip flops. Something about the piece that goes between your toes makes him squeamish. He was looking for the right opportunity to use something special he had bought for you, and you had just given him it. A week on a beautiful beach with the love of his life? That would be the perfect time to ask you what he had been waiting to ask you since JJ’s wedding. He was going to take Hotch’s advice; stop waiting, start doing, and get down on one knee with a blue velvet box. 

He never got the chance to. The trip was supposed to be in the beginning of December, around your week twenty-four. You never got that far. 

He got up from the ground, immediately digging around in a drawer full of pencils and compasses and rulers, finding the blue box in a corner. It was covered in pencil shavings and dust. He hadn’t looked at it in months. He held it delicately in his hands before opening it. 

It was plain, but he remembered you said that was what you wanted. 

“Oval, of course and silver,” You had explained to Penelope and JJ at a night out years ago. Derek and Spencer sat on the opposite side of the table, but his ears perked up at the mention of rings. 

“I like just the band,” JJ said, admiring her own ring, “And I have Henry’s birthstone, the citrine, so I didn’t need another one.”

“What kind of stone Y/N? I’d love a pink diamond! Or a ruby! Imagine!” Penelope gushed. 

You shook your head, “I’d take cubic zirconia, if it was coming from the right guy.”

Both Penelope and JJ stuck their tongues out, “Nuh-uh!” Garcia said, grabbing her phone to scroll through more pinterest photos. 

“Spence will be getting you a diamond.”

You rolled your eyes and whispered, “Don’t jinx it JJ! And I don’t want a diamond.”

Her mouth dropped, “No diamond? Really.”

“Diamonds aren’t ethically sourced.”

“Lab grown! Get lab grown!” PG piped it, showing you a picture of a ring, just an oval in a plain silver setting. 

“That! That’s the one!” You said and Garcia giggled, going on a rant about her dream wedding. 

Spencer had gotten that exact ring. Lab grown, oval, classic, beautiful. It was what you wanted, and you deserved everything you ever wanted. 

Spencer looked at the notepad. He could tell you had a hard time picking an item for this letter. He knows this letter is the end, the other two are the epilogue of  a story he wishes you kept writing. Crystal Cove is the place where he had planned on asking you to marry him, but it ended up being the place where your love story ended. He tossed the notebook to the side and decided that the souvenir for this letter was now going to be this ring. This ring that sparkled and shined, even in the dull incandescent lights of his kitchen. This ring that belonged on your finger, and not in the back of a drawer. This ring that you didn’t even know existed, but if you had, maybe you’d still be together. 

“I did buy three maternity bathing suits, and you bought shorts. Spencer Reid in shorts. It was going to be the best trip ever. We were going to snorkel and look at sea turtles and sunbathe and drink virgin piña coladas by the ocean. We were going to get couples massages and spend every moment loving and appreciating each other.

The actual trip? Much different than the one we had planned on paper, but let’s first discuss that time between the hospital and the trip. 

It was four weeks. Four weeks of me sitting at home while you were off at work. Four weeks of the door opening and Derek walking through, not you. And on the odd chance that it was you opening the door, you’d be appearing at odd hours of the night to grab a new suit or a file or a snack and then getting back in your shitty car and going to your apartment. Each time I heard that comforting sound of your satchel hitting the floor, I’d crawl out of the cave of blankets I was in to find you, and you’d act like I wasn’t even there. 

For the first few days, you asked me how I was and if I was feeling better, then you’d check your phone and wave goodbye. After that, I was lucky if you’d say hello, then I was lucky if I even got a glimpse of you. You never held me. You never kissed me. You never told me you loved me.

I got all my information about you from Derek. Every day I texted you, “Have a good day at work! Talk soon?” And everyday you didn’t answer, so I’d ask Derek if you were okay. He’d always tell me what you were doing. Usually you would take a stack of files of cases to a dark room and make preliminary profiles to send back to the departments, alone. I’d tell him thank you, and the next day would be the same nonsense. 

Those four weeks dragged. It was like every minute was an hour and everyday was a year. I was healing, even without you, everyday I felt better and better. But that’s relative to the day before. I haven’t felt ‘good’ yet. I haven’t felt ‘happiness’ yet. But I will. And I’m counting on that. 

My mandatory leave was four weeks, and at the end of that Hotch called me in for a ‘mandatory psychological evaluation.’ I didn’t tell you about it because you weren’t speaking to me, and even when you did you were angry and snappy and rude.  

I didn’t pass the evaluation. Even though the BAU wrote those damn questions, I still didn’t pass. When my four weeks were up, you were expecting me at work, and I never showed. You didn’t notice how not okay I was because you were too busy handling your own feelings, which I understand. You have to take care of yourself first, deal with your own trauma before touching anyone else’s. So, your trauma was none of my business, a concept you should've applied to my healing process. 

I was supposed to come back on a Monday and when I didn’t show you came to the house. You opened the door and yelled my name. It was a sound I hadn’t heard in weeks, and it felt good. I thought you had finally come home. I thought you were finally ready to heal with me, but you weren’t. You were there to judge me.

I think I ran to where you were, a smile on my face that I didn’t think I was capable of making, “Hey!”

You looked so put together in a neatly pressed suit, but your eyes exposed you. They were bloodshot and the bags were so large they almost reached the end of your nose. I had on one of your shirts; it was comforting at the time. Not so much anymore.  

You looked me up and down, a small scowl forming on your face, “Where were you today?”

I took a deep breath, and I lied, because lying to you felt easier than telling you the truth. The truth that I was not deemed stable enough to come back, even though I wanted to. I needed to be distracted. I was ashamed, scared, confused. 

“I-I didn’t go.”

“Didn’t go? You’ll get fired Y/N.”

I sighed, “No, my leave got extended.”

I could feel the way your eyes bore into my skull as I dodged eye contact. 

“Extended?! It’s been four weeks.”

“I’m not ready!” I desperately wanted you to see through it. I thought I was ready, but the papers disagreed.

“Hotch let you do that?” Your voice was increasing and I found myself inching away from you.

“He encouraged it!” Another lie. He didn’t ‘encourage’ it. He forced me.

You rolled your eyes, grabbing your bag and opening the door again.

“You’re leaving? Spencer c’mon I-”

You cut me off by slamming that door in my face. 

That’s when I started closing myself off. I started dreading the sound of your feet against the floor at three am. I started to put my own walls up, but they would dull in comparison to the Great Wall of Spencer you built around yourself to keep me out.”

Spencer was always good at putting walls up. In fact, you were the only person to ever get him to take (almost) all of them down. There’s a side of him he doesn’t show anyone, a side of him that he reserves for himself, and when something happens, that’s where he goes. He goes to the corner of his brain where he feels safe, and the walls come up to protect him.

And in those last four weeks, he did just that. He put the walls up, shut you out, and decided that was better. Except it wasn’t better, it just was easier. It was easier for him to bypass you and find a new outfit for work tomorrow. It was easier for him to disappear in the office until the odd hours of the morning. It was easier for him to hide away from you, because when he’s exposed he always gets hurt. It was easier to act like everything was fine, even though everything was the opposite of fine. 

He never needed to go to the house, part of him was drawn there like a moth to a lantern. He was drawn to you. As much as he didn’t want to see those four walls, he still needed to check on you. He just did it in his own damaged way. He’d get a glimpse of you in old sweats and a shirt with a hole in it, hair a mess and mascara from two weeks ago adding to your eye bags and he’d be reminded that he couldn’t be there for you. He would never be enough, and he’d retreat into the comfort of solitude. 

He was so preoccupied with being hurt, that he didn’t realize just how much he hurt you too. 

“I had forgotten about the stupid trip, and so had you. You were too preoccupied with work and not speaking to me and I was preoccupied with crying and trying to speak to you. I only remembered the trip when I got an email from the airline about the flight, they had to move our seats or something stupid. I decided that was a reason for you to actually need to speak to me like I was a person, so I took advantage of it. 

I intercepted you at home one day. I had been sitting in the kitchen waiting for you. You came home at two am. 

“Hey,” I said, immediately as you walked through the door. You looked surprised that I was up. 

“Hi, I’m just gonna—“

“Spencer, stop. We have to talk.”

You crossed your arms, not leaving the threshold of the door, “No. I told you a million times Y/N, I don’t want to talk.”

“Not about...” I couldn’t find the words and you started up the stairs. 

“Are we going on this damn trip or not?” I said, my voice cracking from lack of use. 

You stopped, looking over the banister at me, “You didn’t cancel it?”

“I didn’t think of it until now. We’re supposed to leave in two days.”

You groaned, “Why didn’t you cancel it?”

I threw my hands up. As if all of this was my responsibility? 

 “I was preoccupied! Did you cancel your days off?”

You shook your head, rubbing your face, “No, God. Can we still get a refund?”

I was hurt that you didn’t want to go, but not surprised. As I stared at the front door from my spot at the kitchen table I decided that I was going to go no matter what. It was going to be refreshing to look at the ocean instead of an empty nursery. That would be my distraction.

 “I-I’m going. I’ll pay for your half, but I’m going. I’m losing my mind here, Spence.”

You looked at me again, still contemplating your options. 

“I get it, okay? You can’t be in this house, but neither can I. Maybe we can talk and stuff on neutral ground. I-I just want you there with me, the way it was supposed to be.”

Then you took me by surprise, you nodded, “Yeah, yeah we’ll go.”

I’m sure I lit up like Rockefeller Center at Christmas, ��Really?”

You rubbed your eyes, “Yeah, we can go Y/N.”

I was feeling lucky, so I pushed it, too hard, “Are you staying tonight?”

Your voice went from sleepy to sour, “No.”

And you vanished up the stairs, taking all my hope in us with you. 

I knew deep down it wouldn’t end well. I knew it was going to be fighting and yelling and arguing, but any time with you was good time with you at that point. And I favored the little bit of serotonin and dopamine you flood my brain with as opposed to staring at the gray walls of the kitchen alone.”

Spencer only agreed to go because he thought he was getting there. Everyday he felt a little better when he’d walk through the door, but he still wasn’t ready. He thought a week of no work and no one to talk to except you would bring the walls down. This would finally be the catalyst in a reaction that was taking far too long to complete. He also couldn’t stand the thought of you flying and spending a week alone. He felt better about you being alone here because you weren’t really alone. You had Derek visiting, Garcia dropping off baskets, phone calls from Emily, the odd visit from Rossi, and apparently phone calls to Hotch, but on that island you’d really be alone, and he was worried about how you’d handle it. 

“So two days later we got on a three hour flight to Miami, and I drove our rental car to this resort. We didn’t talk much the whole time, besides some small talk about the flight and other odd comments. It was painfully awkward, and I regretted even coming. 

We didn’t speak until I used the keycard to open the door, and we stared at the one king sized bed in the room.

“Oh,” was all you said when you realized you’d have to share with me.

“What?”

“There’s only one bed.”

I rolled my eyes, “Spencer, we’ve shared a bed for three years.”

You just stood at the door with your hands fidgeting on the handle of the suitcase, “I’ll call down and ask for a cot to be brought up.”

“A cot? Are you serious?” I couldn’t believe you, “Why come if you wouldn’t even share a bed with me? I said I’d be fine alone.”

You opened your mouth to speak, but changed your mind. 

“Great communication skills Spence. Really, I’m impressed.” You rolled your eyes and finally started to unpack your bag, “I came because I was worried about what you’d do here all alone.”

Part of me was happy you were worried, but a bigger part was annoyed, “I’ve been handling being alone fine, thanks.”

You scoffed, “Yeah. That’s why you need Derek to bring you food everyday, because you’re doing so well.”

I bit my tongue and tried to speak calmly, “Well at least someone checks on me everyday.”

That shut you right up.

The three days you were there went as follows: we slept as far apart from each other as we could, despite how badly I wanted to cuddle into your arms. We’d get up in silence, eat breakfast in silence, walk to the beach and read in silence, eat lunch and dinner in silence, and each night we’d yell at each other until we fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed.

Remember what I said to trigger the fight on December third, your last day there? How could you forget? It’s the fight that broke us up. 

“So, I was thinking of going to a counselor,” I said, staring at the waves lap the sand from the balcony of our room. The air felt cold for eighty degrees. But maybe that was just because the air between me and you had been cold for weeks. 

You were sitting next to me, but I could tell you were worlds away. 

“Spence,” I nudged, trying to snap you out of your daydream. 

“Hm? What?”

“I said I’m going to go to a counselor.”

You twisted your face, “A counselor? What for?”

I shrugged, “I-I think it’d be good for me. It’s a grief counselor.”

You turned to look at me, your brow covered in sweat and your eyes watery. You were incessantly bouncing your left leg, rubbing at your nose, and you seemed disinterested in every single thing I was saying or doing. In fact, you’d been acting that way since the first day you disappeared to your apartment. 

“Counselor? Yeah,” You were fidgeting, barely making eye contact. 

A feeling I can only describe as pure dread formed in my stomach. I thought I might puke, but I swallowed the feeling and kept talking, “I got a recommendation from Hotch. He said he went to Dr. Stevens after Haley died. He said it really helped.”

You were still not listening. 

“I think it’d be good if we went together.”

That finally got your undivided attention. “Together?” You snapped, “No.”

“Why not?” I said it with an air of exhaustion and despair. I was tired of this. So fucking tired of it. 

“I’m not going to a damn therapist, Y/N,” You seethed, your metal deck chair scraping against the concrete as you stood in front of me. 

The sky looked stormy, palm trees whipping in the wind as you came before me. The bags under your eyes looked like bruises, and you had on sleeves. It was eighty and you had on sleeves.

“Okay, I’ll go alone then. I think he could really help us though.”

I was giving up on fighting. I didn’t understand how when I was at my absolute low you could just keep kicking me while I was down. All I wanted was for you to go to someone and talk about it. That’s it. You were acting like I’d asked you to move a mountain for me, which, might I add, at one point you would have done. 

“He? You really think a male therapist is going to help? You lost a baby, Y/N—“

“WE,” I clarified, for what felt like the fiftieth time, “We lost a baby.”

You rolled your eyes and ignored me, “You lost a baby. How does a male therapist help you through that?”

I was angry now. It was bubbling up to the top and I thought I might explode. 

“He’s a grief counselor! He’ll help me through my GRIEF! And I think you should go because clearly you have a lot going on. You always have! You should’ve been seeing someone for years.”

“Oh, I have a lot going on?” You sneered, “Of course I have a lot going on! I go to work everyday to bring you home a paycheck so you can sit around all day and do nothing.”

I stood up, got close to your face, “I’m on leave.”

“Yeah, sure, keep telling yourself that.”

You bypassed me and went inside, and my hot anger turned into wet anger and fat tears were rolling down my cheeks.

“Do you know how traumatic this was on my body? Do you? Everything hurts and you were supposed to be there! You were supposed to take four weeks off too! You were supposed to be there for me!”

“Yeah and who’s there for me!” You yelled, louder than I think you ever had; at me at least. You had thrown your suitcase on the bed, haphazardly grabbing your clothes from the drawers and shoving them in. 

“I would’ve been,” I said softly, coming up behind you to grab your arm lightly, “If you had let me.”

You pulled back, “Don’t touch me!”

I reached up to wipe my eyes and crossed my arms in front of myself defensively, “I want to be there for you, Spencer. I do. Why won’t you let me?”

You didn’t answer, because even you didn’t know why. You just stood over the suitcase, one arm on either side of it, hair matted to your sweaty face, panting and panting. 

The facts I had chosen to ignore were staring me in the face again. Or maybe I was just that oblivious. 

“I’ve never seen you like this. This isn’t you, Love,” I tried to say in my most soothing voice. The dread had clawed its way back up to the back of my throat. 

“Or maybe this is me,” you said softly, and I swear you were crying. Or maybe I hoped you were, that way we were both sobbing. That’s as close to togetherness as we could get. 

“Maybe this is who I am now, or who I’ve been all along.”

I reached out for you again, but stopped myself, “No, Spencer. The real you isn’t this angry, and bitter, and mean.”

You slammed your hands against the bed, “Yes it is!”

“Is that what you’ve been doing all this time?” I said sadly, shaky breaths between words, “Is that what you’ve been going to your apartment and doing?”

You turned around, skin sweaty and eyes red, “What? What are you talking about now? God, do you ever stop talking?”

I snapped, ignoring your last jab there, “Are you using?”

Your face contorted into a sour expression, “Am I using?”

“Yeah, Spencer! Are you? Because I can’t see any other reason for why you’re so irritable and sweaty and out of it! So I’ll ask you again, are you going through withdrawal?”

You looked like I had literally punched you in the gut, and I kind of had. It was a low blow, I’ll admit it, but I was seriously worried about you. If an event would trigger you, this would’ve been it. 

“What? No!”

I wasn’t sure whether or not I should believe you, but I knew I had to support you either way. I love you, even when you’re angry at me, I still love you. Even when you throw clothes and seethe at me through gritted teeth, I still love you. That’s my fatal flaw. No matter how many reasons you give me to stop loving you, I never will.”

Spencer let out a shaky breath, lower lip pinched between his teeth. Was he really that terrible? He didn’t remember being so spiteful. Reading it back, he understood why you thought he was high, and he had thought about it more than he cared to admit. But he hadn’t touched the stuff in seven years, and he wasn’t about to start again now.

‘No matter how many reasons you give me to stop loving you, I never will.’ 

That line made him want to cry, hands clenching the ring box as if it were a stress ball. That line simultaneously felt like a stab in the gut and a breath of fresh air. He had given you so many reasons to walk away, and the one reason to stay was there in his palm, unused.

““It’s okay if you are. I understand this is a... hard time. I’ll support you through this,” I put my hands out to touch your chest. 

“I’m not high and haven’t been in years!” You swatted my hands down. 

“Then what the hell is going on!?” 

“I’m angry and I’m sad and I’m heartbroken!” You yelled, going back out onto the balcony to stand in the rain that had started pouring down in sheets. 

“Spencer! Stop!” I followed you out, tears mixing with rain to the point that I didn’t know which was which. 

“I’m just confused! It’s hard to see the point in all this anymore. Maybe it’s just not worth it,” You said, yelling at the ocean not at me. Rain soaked our clothes instantly. Part of me was hoping this scene would end like the ‘notebook’ we’d kiss and you’d spin me around. I guess this is kind of like the notebook, it’s a story to help you remember us. Except you don’t have Alzheimer’s and I wrote 15 letters, not 365. 

“Maybe what’s not worth it?” I was yelling too, just so you could hear me over the sound of the wind and the rain. 

“This!” You gestured between us. I felt like you knocked the air out of me, my whole body stinging. 

“But I love you!”

“All of this has made me realize that love isn’t everything! I love you too but we need more than that!”

That was the first time I’d heard you say ‘I love you’ in a month, but it was a double edged sword. I bit my lip so hard I think I started bleeding, “Love isn’t enough? Are you kidding me, Spencer?”

You swallowed thickly, “No! I’m not kidding. I’ve never been more serious!”

“So what? That’s it?” I said it quietly, but I wanted to scream at you. I wanted to scream that you were being an idiot. You were being ridiculous. You were being unnecessarily cruel. But I didn’t. I was tired and water logged. I had finally given up.

You ran your hands through your hair, “No–it’s–we we aren’t over Y/N. I’m just saying that it’s gonna take more than love to fix us.”

“Well maybe if you were ever home, we could actually try. But you aren’t. You’re always gone! So explain to me how we’re going to fix this. What’s it gonna take Spencer? What do you want from me?”

You took a deep breath, uttering words I was so sick of hearing, “We need space and time.”

“Space? Time? It’s been a month Spencer! I let you go to work. I let you spend every day at your damn apartment. I stopped calling. I stopped checking in. How much more space and time do you want?”

“Thirty-four days,” you mumbled, just so I could barely hear. The thunder rolled, mostly drowning it out. 

“What was that?” 

“It’s been THIRTY-FOUR days, Y/N. Thirty-four. I don’t know how you expect me to be okay after only thirty-four days.”

“I don’t expect you to be fine! I expect you to speak to me! To look at me! I want to go to bed crying and have you there next to me. I want to be there for you when you’re crying. The only way we get better is if we do this TOGETHER!”

The anger looked like it melted off of you, and I took that as my opportunity to approach. I threw my arms around your soaked body as you shook with sobs into my shoulder. I held you like my life depended on it, because in a way it did. You wrapped your arms around me too, and everything felt okay. We were standing in the pouring rain, holding each other as we cried, and somehow I felt more okay than I had in the thirty-four days prior. It felt like maybe you were coming back to me. 

You weren’t. 

We stood like that for what felt like hours, and eventually I pulled you inside. I wish I didn’t. I wish we stayed there, holding each other in the rain until the sun came up and dried us off. I foolishly thought the rain washed our sins away. 

“It’s going to be okay,” I said, my head on your shoulder as we wrapped ourselves in towels, “I promise.”

You shrugged me off of you, going back to packing your bag. 

“Spencer, stop packing, please,” I begged, grabbing the items you were putting in and taking them back out. 

“I don’t want to be here anymore,” you said plainly, taking a shirt and putting it back in. 

“I-I thought—“

“Thought what, Y/N? That because I cried to you and told you I loved you that we were magically okay?” 

I stammered, “No. No! But I thought it meant we were in this together now.” 

“You just accused me of relapsing an hour ago.”

“And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, but that’s not a reason you should go,” I pleaded, reaching for you again. I thought if you walked away I’d never see you again.

“You don’t trust me,” your voice cracked. 

“No, Love, I—“

“Don’t call me that.”

The pain in my chest bloomed, sending a wave of heartache through my entire body. A heartache I still haven’t been able to shake. It’s still there. Some days it's a thunder crack and sometimes it's a low grumble, but it’s always there. The rain hasn't stopped.  

I hadn’t even realized that you were completely packed until you zipped the suitcase shut. 

“You’re really leaving?” 

You stopped at the door, hand on the handle, to turn and face me. I didn’t need to use my profiling skills to see how much pain you were in, and my pain doubled at the sight. I’ve always been an empath when it comes to you, feeling what you feel like it’s my own. 

“I am.”

I crossed the room and threw my arms around you, sobbing into your chest. To my surprise, you wrapped your arms around me lightly. 

“I understand,” I said, looking into your eyes, “We can’t be there for each other the way we need to.”

You nodded into my shoulder, “Stay. When you get home from this we’ll talk. I just need a few more days.”

I shook my head, finally coming to the realization that we didn’t work anymore. We weren’t healthy anymore. 

“Don’t bother. The writing’s on the wall, Spence,” my voice wavered, and I regretted every word as they left my mouth, “I’ve been waiting for that person from the hospital to come home to me. I’ve been waiting for the Spencer who lends me his shirts and fact dumps and eats IHOP and ice cream with me to come home.”

I felt your breath stop under my arms, “But that Spencer, the Spencer I love, isn’t here anymore. We need to be alone.”

I felt you shake with tears under me, and that triggered mine, “We have to break up.”

I wish I never said it. I wish I gave you those few days, but we both know those few days would’ve turned into weeks and months and we would’ve ended up here anyway. I wish you didn’t let me say them. I wish you kissed me to shut me up and told me I was being stupid. I wish I didn’t watch you go down that elevator, tears on your cheeks. I wish I didn’t spend the other four days in an empty king sized bed, crying for you. 

I realize now that you changed. I did too. Instead of wishing for the old you, I should’ve learned to love the new you. I think I would’ve, if I had given it a chance. Actually, I know I would’ve. I think I’d fall in love with every version of you that could ever exist or has ever existed. You and I, we’re meant to be together. 

I know you probably don’t believe in it, but I like to think that we’re twin flames; we’re two halves of one soul that somehow ended up in two bodies and constantly pull to find each other again. I’ve read a lot about them recently. Twin flames don’t necessarily end up together. They can even just be two people with an intense friendship. They’re people who help each other grow, even if that means they’re only in your life for a short time. I like to think that we are that case, and that in some parallel universe I’m with you and we have our daughter and we’re happy. I just wish that I was in that universe now. 

I know it’s for the best that we went to the damn Crystal Cove and broke up. I’m sure someday in the future I’ll be pleased with that decision, but for now, I still regret it.”

Spencer stared at the notepad, eyes flicking between that in his left hand and the ring box in his right. He took the ring out and admired it in the light. It glinted and glimmered, delicately refracting light onto the cabinets. He slid it halfway down his ring finger because that’s as far as it would go. He imagined it was on your slender, perfectly manicured hand instead of his, but an ache formed where his heart was when he realized it’d never end up here. 

Spencer grabbed the notebook. It was unlined and the paper felt flimsy and thin. He got up from the floor to find a pencil in the drawer the ring had been hidden in, and took it out to scrawl his own letter to go with his own memento. A sixteenth letter for a sixteenth item you had no idea even existed. 

“Y/N,

I’d like to consider this letter sixteen, to go with the engagement ring that’s in my palm. I bought this ring the day after we ate dinner at Rossi’s and showed everyone tiny FBI onesies. I have your perfect ring here in my hand, a plain silver band with a lab-grown diamond in a four-prong setting in the center, just like you told Garcia you wanted. I should’ve given it to you the day I bought it, but I waited until the perfect opportunity presented itself. 

What you didn’t know about the trip to the Crystal Cove was that I was going to propose to you there. I was going to get down on one knee in the sand at sunset after dinner. I even had a whole speech planned. I was going to tell you that I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love you, or that anyone would ever love me the way that you do. I was going to say that it amazes me how everyday, I wake up and love you more than I did the night before. And everyday I think it’s be impossible to love you and our daughter more than I do right now. I wanted to tell you that I want to wake up every morning and feel that for the rest of my life. I want the good, the bad, the ugly, I want it all. I want Korean film festivals and IHOP breakfasts and to talk to the moon. I want tubs of ice cream and overly sentimental flowers hanging from the wall. Most of all I wanted to say that I want to spend every day of my life making you happy. 

That speech still applies today. I still love you enough to ask you, but I don’t think you love me enough to say yes. 

It’s okay. It really is. I haven’t decided what to do yet, but if you do read this, just know that it’s okay. I promise you, it’s okay. I’m not the bitter, angry man I was at the Crystal Cove anymore. I changed again, and I hope you’re right. I hope we are twin flames and your soul will come looking for mine, and I hope it happens in this universe, not the infinite parallels that may or may not exist. I miss you and I want nothing more than for you to come back. Come home, Love, please come home.

-SR”

He stared at the notebook page, before tearing it off and folding it in half, placing it in his pocket for safekeeping. He went on his computer and bought the cheapest one-way ticket to Seattle that he could find. He needed to see you. He needed you to see this letter, see this ring. He needed to make this right.

The flight was a red eye, leaving at midnight, so he’d get to the Seattle field office by eight. He looked at the leather watch and saw that it was nearly nine. He decided had to finish, and he had to finish now, as he grabbed letter #14. 

PART 14

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Taglist!

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[anonniemousefics]

My Dearest Inej | Masterlist

COMPLETED - Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten | Chapter Eleven | Chapter Twelve | Chapter Thirteen | Chapter Fourteen | Chapter Fifteen | Chapter Sixteen | Chapter Seventeen | Chapter Eighteen | Chapter Nineteen | Chapter Twenty | BONUS CONTENT - Epilogue I |

Originally posted on AO3 - Posting it here and it may take a minute :) 

Rating: Teen and Up

What follows is a collection of letters, found bundled together in twine, kept among the personal belongings of the feared privateer, Inej Ghafa, captain of The Wraith.

Chapter One: Toffees

Wraith

Inej

My dearest Inej,

Are you laughing at my attempts to start this letter? I hope you are. I know how much my discomfort amuses you, and I’m not sure what else I’m good for while you’re off saving the world. If I know you’ve laughed, I will have felt useful.

You requested letters, so here is the first. When are you coming back? You left yesterday, but now I think time might be standing still. I’ve tried to make a deal with the sun to speed things along, but all I got were alarmed looks from people on the street and a cease and desist order from the Stadwatch.

No, of course that’s not true. Do you know me at all? I hope you’re laughing.  

Wylan and Jesper would like to enclose a list of items they request be purchased for them in Novyi Zem. I’m throwing it out – it was long and very irritating. You’re welcome.

I miss you. I think I’ve made that clear, but I’ll say it anyway, in the spirit of no armor and all that. Be careful. Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t do anything I would do.

Sincerely,

K. Brekker

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My dearest Inej,

Good. I’m glad you laughed. My one regret is to not have been able to hear it, but reading of it will have to suffice for now.

I had not thought to write you in Suli. I feel badly about that. Don’t worry – your Kerch spelling was magnificent, much like many of your other qualities. Should I be writing you in Suli? What’s the protocol here?

Many thanks for the Ravkan toffees you sent along. I’m certain Jesper and Wylan enjoyed theirs. As for myself, I enjoyed all of three pieces before it was set upon by starving, feral Dregs. And now I am haunted by the memory of what may have been the most perfect sweet I’ve ever tasted. You should send me the name of the company. Maybe I’ll buy it so I can get fat and happy and retire to the country with the other fat, happy toffeemakers.

I hope you’re still laughing.

Sincerely,

K. Brekker

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(translated from Suli)

My rudest Inej,

You have cut me to the quick. You would like me less as a fat toffeemaker? My dreams are shattered. I am devastation. Send more toffees.

Sincerely,

K. Brekker

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(translated from Kerch)

Inej, loveliest of all Inejs,

You did not have to send so many toffees. It was a joke. What am I supposed to do with all of this? Did you send a box for every member of the Dregs?

They’re going to like you better than me now, you know. This means war.

Thank you for the Suli lesson. Maybe I should stick to Kerch after all. “I am devastation” – a fitting grammatical error if ever there was one. I may put this on my business card.

Come back soon. If anything, to help me get rid of some of these toffees. If I have to buy all new suits, it will be entirely your fault.

Sincerely,

K. Brekker

a.k.a. – The Devastation

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dearest Inej,

No, that’s not how this works. If you want a new code name, you’ll have to start making some grammatical errors, too. I’ve already named you once. If you want a new one, that’s on you.

Three more days. You won’t get this letter until your next trip to Ravka. But I like knowing you’ll have letters waiting for you when you arrive. I like to think it’s making you smile.

I am hoping beyond hope to hold you soon. There. How’s that for no armor.

Respectfully yours,

The Devastation

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My dearest Inej,

I am sorry.

I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.

I don’t know what else to say. I’ve never begged before but I can be taught. This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be.

I am trying, believe me. If you only knew how I’m trying. I’ve even started letting Jesper jab me in the face. If I can withstand it for ten minutes, he gives me a toffee. Yes, I’m completely serious. Yes, it is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard of, too. This is how desperate I’ve become. (And it’s also preventing us from eating all the toffees at once. You’d think we’d be sick of them by now. Are they laced with jurda parem? Why are they so good?)

I am humiliated and ashamed and horrified, and I can’t stop thinking about your face when you left. I know I’ve disappointed you. I can’t believe how much it’s bothering me this time. I’ve certainly disappointed you before.

It feels insane to ask for patience at this point. I worry I’ve already dried that well. But I’ll risk it anyway. Know that I am trying. Know that I would change this about myself tomorrow if I could. If you have an ounce of patience left, can you spare it for me?

Please.

Two months. Twenty-five days. 18 hours. I’ll use every spare chance I have in that span to prepare for you. It won’t always be this way, I swear it.

Apologetically yours,

K. Brekker

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Inej. Treasure of my heart.

I’m saving your last letter for all time, I think. Thank you. Thank you. Not much leaves me speechless, but you have. I don’t deserve half of the adoration you penned (in flawless Kerch, by the way, I can’t believe you’re still worrying about that), but I hope to one day.

Two months. Two days. 12 hours.

I am thinking of you each second until then.

Yours,

Kaz

P.S. – Jesper hates the sea salt toffees. Keep sending those so he’ll stop stealing mine.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #408

“tied to the rat race  /  a big bird in a small cage”

Who, whether a person or company, emails you the most? I really don't check my email enough to even know. If you were given an assignment to draw anything besides stick figures or just doodles, what would you draw? A meerkat of course, ha ha. Do you play the games on MySpace/Facebook? I never did. Well no, I did play "Dragons of Atlantis" when Facebook bought it or whatever, but now that it's a mobile game, I don't play anything on there. When was the last time you were sunburnt? Ha, actually now. It's from riding an hour to and an hour back from the TMS office every weekday; the sun coming in through the window got my arm. Who all do you live with? My mom and my two pets. Has a guy ever let you wear his jacket? Yeah. It was so comforting when Jason gave me his leather jacket to wear if I was cold; it was pretty big on me at that time and just really cozy. Thanks survey, now I feel like crying. :^) How many friends do you have of the opposite sex? Like, one. Do you have bird feeders hanging up outside? What about any hanging plants? No. Does your house have sliding glass doors? No. Was the last food item you ate part of a meal or a snack? A snack. What color is your hair brush? I don't use a brush, but a white comb. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? I think I prefer sunny for the sake of helping keep my depression at bay, but sometimes I really do enjoy some nice steady rainfall at the window. Who’s the last person that you hugged, not family? I have no idea. What will your next piercing be? Probably getting my nostril re-pierced. How many people have you kissed, that you can HONESTLY say you loved? Two. Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot? uhhhhhhhhhh now What’s scarier: spiders or worms? Worms gross me out, but a spider is more likely to actually scare me, but at the same time fascinate me. Do you play poker for real money? No. If you were pregnant, how long would you wait to tell the dad? I'd tell him immediately. Would you ever date out of your own race? I have in the past, and I would again. Do you still watch movies intended for children? Yeah. Hell, more than half the time they're better than "grown up" movies. What’s your favorite movie trilogy? Uhhhh does TLK count? ha ha What would you like to take lessons in? German. Whose Facebook password do you have? Just my own. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school? No. Have you ever crawled through a window? Yes. Are you too forgiving? Yuuuup. Ever have a sleepover with the opposite sex? Well, we were dating. Have you ever gotten someone suspended? No. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? No. Would you live with someone without marrying them? Yes; I believe you really probably should before getting married so you see if you "fit" as far as household habits and such go. Have you ever wanted to strip naked in front of someone? Yeah no. I'd feel way too awkward. What are you listening to? A John Wolfe video. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My mom. Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone? I mean possibly, it was a public place, and some people are definitely caught off-guard by seeing two girls kiss. Do either of your parents have any tattoos or piercings? No. Mom wants a tattoo, though, dedicated to all of us kids and her grandkids. Are you desperate for anyone’s approval, in particular? -_- Would you ever stalk a celebrity? Um, no???? You don't stalk ANYBODY. It's a violation of space, privacy, basic respect... Do you have any National Geographic magazines lying around? No. Have you ever been mistaken for the opposite gender? No. Do you use liquid foundation, mousse, or just powder? None. Have you ever picked out a song to listen to on a juke box? Maybe? I don't remember. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in one day? Oh god, I hope not. I don't remember ever having done that. Have you ever ridden in a limo? No. I always wanted to as a kid. Have you ever tried to put a huge puzzle together? Yeah, I have. I used to like to do that with my mom especially. Ever wake up early on Saturdays to go garage sale shopping? Yes, actually. My family used to love to do that. Do you keep magazines by your toilet? No. Ya better just bring your phone. What did you last take a picture of with your camera? On my actual camera, a hydrangea bush. On the camera on my phone, I believe my cat. Are you proud of who you are? Not... really. If you were a waiter/waitress, would you make good tips? Nope. I'm too awkward and I would NEVER write the orders down quickly enough. I write so slow. What are the best kind of Girl Scout cookies? The chocolate and peanut butter ones. If you hit an animal while driving, would you stop to see if it was okay? Well I doubt it's okay, but I would absolutely stop to move it away from the road and sob my eyes out. I'd probably try to find some flowers to rest on it. What's your favorite kind of pasta? Spaghetti. Have you ever played computer solitaire for hours on end? I don't even know how to play solitaire. What's the dumbest thing you've heard of that supposedly causes cancer? Who the hell knows, everything does apparently. If you saw wet cement, would you place your handprint in it? No. Can you honestly tell the difference between DiGiorno and delivery pizza? Absolutely. Do you own a lava lamp? No, but I would looove one. What charity or cause would you donate $1,000 to if possible? Off the top of my head, the Trevor Project. I'd probably research before actually donating, though. What would you say is your greatest strength? I guess that I care a lot about people. What's one food that you find too disgusting to eat? Things like clams, es cargot, sashimi... just ew. What's something that will never bore you? Uhhhh good question. Pizza Hut or Domino's? Domino's, by a long shot. What's something that always, no matter what, makes you laugh? Stupid Vines, lol. Have you ever been in a canoe? No. How many vehicles does your family own? Just one, my mom's. Are you generally afraid of taking risks? Yes. Have you ever caught/swatted a fly in/with your hand? Ew, no. Would you ever dye your hair bubblegum pink? Yeah. What was the last thing to happen that you really weren't expecting? The woman whose wedding I shot TWO YEARS ago finally reaching out to me about buying some pictures. What does it mean when you start eating less? What does it mean when you start eating more? If I'm eating less, odds are I'm extremely serious about losing weight. If I'm eating more than usual, high odds are I'm depressed or bored. Or I'm on my period. What’s the strangest named pet you’ve ever had? Harry Potter, ha ha. He was a guinea pig. What are some defense mechanisms you find yourself using when in an argument with someone? I'm very likely to just metaphorically flee from it because I fear confrontation so much. Do you know if there is anyone who was once important to you that you will never talk to again, even though you could? If I have any say in it, I'm never talking to Colleen again. List the initials of every person you have ever kissed, from first kiss to most recent kiss. (Put “?”s in the place of initials you don’t know.) I'm not listing their last initial, but anyway: J, T, G, S. Does your face break out right before your period? Not "break out," no. I'll just get a pimple or two. What did you dream about last night? All I remember was that it focused on Jason and his late mother. I miss her so much. I hope so much that whatever exists beyond death, she found the peace she was so worthy of. Do you think the United States health care system needs reform? FUCK yes I do. Our health care system is a disgusting fucking nightmare. Who was the last person you cried over? Jason. My PTSD has been doing quite well, but I had an emotional episode recently nonetheless. Do you prefer ceiling fans or fans that stand up on the floor and you plug in? I use both, but I think my preference is ceiling ones. What would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor because he’s hungry, and the only way to feed him was to sleep with a man for a little bit of money? Hypothetically, if I had a child, if I'm totally honest, I probably would. I would hate it, but I'm not letting my child starve to death if I can do something about it. Why do you think evolution is true/false? Because there is substantial evidence for it and imo is the most logical theory we've thought up. Some things about it seem kinda far-fetched, but I still have faith in it. I trust scientists and the evolution we see firsthand, such as caterpillars to cocoons, tadpoles to frogs, etc. Who came through for you at a time when you really, really needed it? Colleen. She let me live with her when I was technically homeless. What turned out better than you thought? Good question. What object did you used to, or do you still, keep hidden? My drawings. I've flipped my shit when Mom's found them in the past, even though she went on and on about how "amazing" they were. I don't draw anything "bad" at all, but still, I don't like people seeing my creativity. Who can’t you figure out? My damn self. What are you hoping for? The most recent thing would be hoping Shonda buys a lot, if not all, the wedding photos I took. I desperately want to use the money along with what I have left from Christmas to buy Venus' terrarium and proper supplies all by myself. What’s the best physical object that you kept from a previous relationship? Idk, there's a few things. What is the most socially unacceptable thing that you have no problem with? Maybe women not shaving. Like I couldn't care less. What have you done that you surprised yourself by doing? *shrug* What used to be a secret about you? Hm. Anything that used to be a secret probably still is one. What is the most stalky thing you’ve ever done? Just Facebook digging, and that's not something I've done a lot off. What did you wind up liking that you didn’t want anything to do with at first? The only thing that comes to mind at the moment is something sexual, so let's not go into that. Who do you owe your life that you can never pay back? Mom and Jason have both saved me from what would've been suicide attempts.

[kingjasnah]

Is there the full list of brandersons favourite games reposted somewhere?

i dont think so? or not that ive seen. u can literally just sign up for the newsletter on his website but screw it ill just post them for u. it sure was a TRIP scrolling past these to get to the interlude though. undertale is on this list.....im shakign at the thought that adolin was based off ff10 tidus but i cant get it out of my head now

#10: Katamari Damaci

I love things that make me look at the world in a new way. Katamari did this in spades. It is an imaginative, bizarre vision with unique gameplay. It is like nothing else in the world and I love it for all its strangeness and occasional lack of gameplay polish.

I was transfixed the first time I played it, and have looked forward to it being remade and rereleased on multiple different consoles. I love the cute—and somehow creepy at the same time—storyline. It feels like a fever dream more than a game sometimes, and is probably the closest I’ll ever get to understanding what it’s like to do drugs.

#9: Undertale

This is an oddball on this list because I think it’s the only game that is not a franchise from a major studio—but is instead an indie game, which I believe was originally funded on Kickstarter.I loved how this felt like a novel as much as a game. It was one person’s vision; a single story told really well, with a huge amount of personality. The humor was just my kind of wonderful/terrible, and I was instantly enamored with the characters.That probably would have been enough, but it is a nice deconstruction of video games as a medium—and has not one, but multiple innovative gameplay mechanics. Together, the package left me enamored. This is a work of genius that I feel everyone should at least try, even if it ends up not being for them.

#8: Fallout: New Vegas

I have played all of the core Fallout games, and I was one of the (it seems few) who was really excited when it moved from turn-based tactics to first-person shooter. While Fallout 3 was good, it didn’t have the charm of the first two.New Vegas delivered on everything I was hoping to see. The charm was back, the writing sharp, the quests imaginative. The gameplay was engaging and branched in a variety of directions, the gunplay was solid, and the atmosphere immersive. I of course love the first two games in the series—but New Vegas combines everything I like in gaming into one package. (As a note, I own the Outer Worlds, and am looking forward to digging into it. Consider this item on the list a recommendation of other Obsidian games—like Knights of the Old Republic Two—regardless of genre, as I’ve found them universally to be superior to their contemporaries.)

#7 Super Mario World

When I was eleven, I flew (alone, which was very exciting to me) from Nebraska to visit my uncle Devon in Salt Lake City. Before I left, my father gave me $200 and told me to pay for my own meals while on the trip—but of course, my uncle didn’t allow this. At the end of the trip, I tried to give him the money, which he wouldn’t take.I mentioned my dad would take the money back when I got home, but that was okay. Well, my uncle would have none of that, and drove me to the local mall and made me spend it on a Nintendo Entertainment System. (This uncle, you might guess, is an awesome human being.)Since that day of first plugging it in and experiencing Mario for the first time, I was hooked. This is the only platformer on the list, as I don’t love those. But one makes an exception for Mario. There’s just so much polish, so much elegance to the control schemes, that even a guy who prefers an FPS or an RPG like me has to admit these are great games. I picked World as my favorite as it’s the one I’ve gone back to and played the most.

#7: The Curse of Monkey Island (Monkey Island 3)

I kind of miss the golden age of adventure gaming, and I don’t know that anyone ever got it as right as they did with this game. It is the pinnacle of the genre, in my opinion—no offense to Grim Fandango fans.This game came out right before gaming’s awkward teenage phase where everything moved to 3-d polygons. For a while after, games looked pretty bad, though they could do more because of the swap. But if you want to go see what life was like before that change, play Monkey Island 3. Composed of beautiful art pieces that look like cells from Disney movies, with streamlined controls (the genre had come a long way from “Get yon torch”) and fantastic voice acting, this game still plays really well.This is one of the few games I’ve been able to get my non-gamer wife to play through with me, and it worked really well as a co-op game with the two of us trying to talk through problems. It’s a lovingly crafted time capsule of a previous era of gaming, and if you missed it, it’s really worth trying all these years later. (The first and second games hold up surprisingly well too, as a note, particularly with the redone art that came out a decade or so ago.)Also, again, this one has my kind of humor.

#6: Breath of the Wild

I never thought a Zelda game would unseat A Link to the Past as my favorite Zelda, but Breath of the Wild managed it. It combined the magic of classic gameplay with modern design aesthetic, and I loved this game.There’s not a lot to say about it that others haven’t said before, but I particularly liked how it took the elements of the previous games in the series (giving you specific tools to beat specific challenges) and let you have them all at once. I like how the dungeons became little mini puzzles to beat, instead of (sometimes seemingly endless) slogs to get through. I liked the exploration, the fluidity of the controls, and the use of a non-linear narrative in flashbacks. It’s worth buying a Switch just to play this one and Mario—but in case you want, you can also play Dark Souls on Switch... (That’s foreshadowing.)

#5: Halo 2

Telling stories about Halo Two on stream is what made me think of writing this list.I’m sometimes surprised that this game isn’t talked about as much as I think it should be. Granted, the franchise is very popular—but people tend to love either Reach or games 1 or 3 more than two. Two, however, is the only one I ever wanted to replay—and I’ve done so three or four times at this point. (It’s also the only one I ever beat on Legendary.)It’s made me think on why I love this one, while so many others seem to just consider it one of many in a strong—but in many ways unexceptional—series of games. I think part of this is because I focus primarily on the single-player aspects of a game (which is why there aren’t any MMOs on this list.) Others prefer Halo games with more balanced/polished multiplayer. But I like to game by myself, and don’t really look for a multiplayer experience. (Though this is changing as I game with my sons more and more.)I really like good writing—which I suppose you’d expect. But in games, I specifically prefer writing that enhances the style of game I’m playing. Just dumping a bunch of story on me isn’t enough; it has to be suited to the gameplay and the feel of the game. In that context, I’ve rarely encountered writing as good as Halo 2. From the opening—with the intercutting and juxtaposition of the two narratives—to the quotes barked out by the marines, the writing in this game is great. It stands out starkly against other Halo games, to the point that I wonder what the difference is.Yes, Halo Two is a bombastic hero fantasy about a super soldier stomping aliens. But it has subtle, yet powerful worldbuilding sprinkled all through it—and the music...it does things with the story that I envy. It’s kind of cheating that games and films get to have powerful scores to help with mood.The guns in Two feel so much better than Halo One, and the vehicles drive far better. The only complaint I have is that it’s only half a story—as in, Halo 2 and 3 seem like they were one game broken in two pieces. And while 3 is good (and Reach does something different, which I approve of in general) neither did it for me the way Two did, and continues to do.

#3: Final Fantasy X

You probably knew Final Fantasy was coming. People often ask if the way these games handle magic was an influence upon me. All I can say is that I’ve played them since the first one, and so they’re bound to have had an influence.On one hand, these games are really strange. I mean, I don’t think we gamers stop quite often enough to note how downright bizarre this series gets. Final Fantasy doesn’t always make the most sense—but the games are always ambitious.Ten is my favorite for a couple of reasons. I felt like the worldbuilding was among the strongest, and I really connected with the characters. That’s strange, because this is one of the FF games without an angst-filled teen as the protagonist. Instead, it has a kind of stable happy-go-lucky jock as the protagonist.But that’s what I needed, right then. A game that didn’t give me the same old protagonist, but instead gave me someone new and showed me I could bond to them just as well. Ten was the first with full voice acting, and that jump added a lot for me. It has my favorite music of the series, and all together is what I consider the perfect final fantasy game. (Though admittedly, I find it more and more difficult to get into turn-based battle mechanics as I grow older.)

#2: Bloodborne

Those who follow my streams, or who read other interviews I’ve done, probably expected this series to be at or near the top. The question wasn’t whether Souls would be here, but which one to pick as my favorite.I went with Bloodborne, though it could have been any of them. (Even Dark Souls 2—which I really like, despite its reputation in the fandom.) I’ve been following FromSoftware’s games since the King’s Field games, and Demon’s Souls was a huge triumph—with the director Hidetaka Miyazaki deserving much of the praise for its design, and Dark Souls (which is really just a more polished version of Demon’s Souls).As I am a fan of cosmic horror, Bloodborne is probably my favorite overall. It really hit the mix of cosmic and gothic horror perfectly. It forced me to change up my gameplay from the other Souls games, and I loved the beautiful visuals.I am a fan of hard games—but I like hard games that are what I consider “fair.” (For example, I don’t love those impossible fan-made Mario levels, or many of the super-crazy “bullet hell”-style games.) Dark Souls is a different kind of hard. Difficult like a stern instructor, expecting you to learn—but giving you the tools to do so. It presents a challenge, rather than being hard just to be hard.If I have a problem with Final Fantasy, it’s that the games sometimes feel like the gameplay is an afterthought to telling the story. But in the Souls games, story and gameplay are intermixed in a way I’d never seen done before. You have to construct the story like an archeologist, using dialogue and lore from descriptions of in-game objects. I find this fascinating; the series tells stories in a way a book never could. I’m always glad when a game series can show off the specific strengths of the medium.In fact, this series would be #1 except for the little fact that I have way too much time on Steam logged playing...

#1: Civilization VI

This series had to take #1 by sheer weight of gameplay time. I discovered the first on a friend’s computer in the dorms my freshman year—and I can still remember the feeling of the birds chirping outside, realizing I’d been playing all night and really should get back to my own dorm room.That still happens, and has happened, with every game in the series. I have a lot of thoughts on this series, many of them granular and too specific for this list. (Like, it’s obvious AI technology isn’t up to the task of playing a game this complex—so could we instead get a roguelike set of modifiers, game modes, etc. to liven up the games, rather than just having a difficulty slider that changes a few simple aspects of the game?)I’ll try not to rant, because I really do love this game series. A lot of people consider IV to be the pinnacle of the series, but after V unstacked units—and VI unstacked cities—there was no way I could ever go back. If for some reason, you’ve never played this grand patriarch of the 4X game genre, it’s about starting with a single stone-age settler who can found a city—then playing through eras of a civilization, growing your empire, to try to eventually get offworld with a space program. (Or, if you prefer, conquering the world.)It’s a load of fun in the way I like to have fun, and I feel like the series has only gotten better over the years. My hat is off to the developers, who keep reinventing the series, rather than making the exact same game over and over.Now, about that request for difficulty modes...

there are runner ups but for the sake of anyone whos on mobile and cant get past a read more (first of all omg im SO sorry) ill refrain. anyway he thought WHAT loz game was the best before botw?

[back-and-totheleft]

"I do have the right to talk"

In many people’s opinion, Oliver Stone doesn’t just court controversy. He buys it dinner and tickets to a Broadway show. With movies like “Platoon,” “Salvador,” “JFK,” “Born on the Fourth of July” and “Natural Born Killers” on his resume, it’s no wonder the Oscar-winning director has a hot-button reputation of sorts. Perhaps that’s why one of the most controversial things about his new film, “World Trade Center,” which opens Wednesday, is how uncontroversial it is.

Based on the true story of two New York Port Authority cops who were pulled out of the rubble after the towers collapsed Sept. 11, 2001, the movie plays it straight – it keeps politics, one of Stone’s favorite topics, out of the picture.

During a recent conversation at the Ritz-Carlton Buckhead in Atlanta, the confident, well-spoken filmmaker talked about his new film, a few of his old films and being Oliver Stone.

Q: When the word came that you were making a movie called “World Trade Center,” I think a lot of people thought, Uh-oh, he’s going to create a controversy, he’s going to sensationalize a national tragedy. Why would that be?

A: I got politicized a long time ago. My films were seen as one thing or another. I was surprised, frankly. There’s an Oliver Stone they talk about, and he’s not me. I mean, this is a ball of years. Twenty, 30 years, going back to “Midnight Express” even (the 1978 film that won him his first Oscar, for Best Adapted Screenplay). Years of confusions and repetition of lies.

A big one, for instance, was “JFK.” The lie has been, Oliver Stone makes up history. He falsifies history. Brainwashes children. He would have us believe the idiot theory that 25 government agents, along with Lyndon Baines Johnson, killed John F. Kennedy.

The true meaning of that film was a question about what reality is in politics, what surface events mean. All the language was suppositional, except for (Jim) Garrison’s feelings at the end of the trial. And even some of that was suppositional.

The rap on the politics (in my movies) is really about statements I’ve made between the films. I could be faulted for that. I did shoot myself in the foot for saying things. But I don’t believe in being censored. Because I’m a filmmaker and a celebrity, people think I have no right to talk. But I say to you, I do have the right to talk. I’ve earned the right to talk. I served my country. I did my time. Paid my taxes. Had children. All that (expletive).

Q: But you do see that you’re a hot-button personality to people, even when it’s not a politically themed movie. People seem to react very personally to you and your work.

A: I became a hot button, especially on that film (“JFK”). But “Natural Born Killers” added to it. And probably “Born on the Fourth of July” and “Platoon” (Stone won best-director Oscars for the latter two). By the time I made “The Doors,” with the drugs, I was a “raving lefty.”

Q: Where were you when you found out America had been attacked on 9/11?

A: Nothing exciting. I was in L.A. Asleep. The time zone difference. My wife woke me up and turned on the TV. It was pretty shocking stuff.

I’m not a pacifist or a bleeding-heart liberal, as some people say. I believe in measured vengeance. Two thousand al-Qaida fighters killed 3,000 people. I’m all for going after those 2,000 and, when it became necessary, the Taliban. The world was with us, and I think I show that in the movie. That was the right war, the one Dave Karnes (the Marine who discovered the trapped men) should’ve gone to. Instead, he went to Iraq, which seems to me a confusion. A confusion I don’t understand.

Q: One of the things that ran through my mind after the movie was the line from “Manhattan,” where Mariel Hemingway says to Woody Allen, “You gotta have a little faith in people.”

A: I can’t say that’s the original reason. It was just a great story, and it was true. It came to me out of the blue. I wasn’t thinking about a 9/11 movie, but Andrea Berloff wrote this script that had these five figures in it. (The police officers, John McLoughlin and Will Jimeno, are played by Nicolas Cage and Michael Peña, with Maria Bello and Maggie Gyllenhaal as their wives and Michael Shannon as Karnes.)

They were inspirational to me. I’d never thought of it that way. As a microcosm. These people dug in. They didn’t give in to fear. They found their courage. Their faith, you can call it. The metaphysical thing that exists, the evidence of things unseen. They dug in and connected in a kind of collective dream, a collective unconscious. It’s a web, a thread, between five people.

Q: You’ve said your movies are an emotional barometer for you. Where does “World Trade Center” find you?

A: It was good to come back home after being in Iran for three years (for “Alexander”). To come back to this country, which is at war, and go back to the bottom of the cellar, so to speak. This country was raped collectively, and this is like going back to the therapist and saying, I want to know about the day of the rape. That’s where you start. Realism. Then let the demons out.

I didn’t know about these guys until 2004. And this Marine. At our first screening, we handed out cards, and the audience thought we’d laid in a Hollywood B-movie on top of the reality. They were shocked. They thought it (his character) was all (expletive).

But it wasn’t. This was the guy exactly. I saw him on TV doing interviews. And he really did go to Iraq.

Q: Speaking of going to war, in 2007, it will be 40 years since you were in Vietnam. Looking back, what do you see? And looking forward?

A: (shaking his head) Forty years goes like … it’s all moments.

The irony of it is, I was very pessimistic when I was young. Who else would go to Vietnam at age 19 to commit suicide? As I’ve become more realistic in life, I’ve become more optimistic. Because you have a better sense of the negative, and, knowing the negative, the darkness, you appreciate the light more. It makes you more optimistic when you do get the light. When you’re younger, you take it a little bit more for granted.

Q: I once read an item about you in The New Yorker.

A: (interrupts) Oh, no.

Q: You were having lunch with your mother.

A: (small sigh of relief) Oh, that was another one.

Q: She said she came to this country from France after the war (to join her American husband), and she was the only woman on a huge ship with 1,500 men. And she was already pregnant with you and was so nauseated she had to be fed intravenously. And you said, “No wonder I’m the way I am.”

A: She’s an Auntie Mame type. Not the greatest mother, frankly, but you’ll never forget her if you ever meet her.

Q: So you’re saying you were shaped in the womb by a lot of testosterone and a little bit of seasickness?

A: (laughs) I was probably throwing up myself.

Q: Someone once wrote that you were part Captain Ahab, part Ken Kesey. Would you add anyone to that list?

A: Oh, yeah. I’d add a few people. Any of the people I’ve done in my films have affected me. I’m part Nixon, part Garrison, part Jim Morrison.

And Alexander (the Great). I definitely lived through Alexander. I think that was misunderstood as an act of hubris, but what he was to me was the ultimate voyager. The ultimate adventurer.

Q: Which could also, in some way, describe you.

A: Yeah, but I wasn’t saying I was Alexander.

Q: Your approach to “World Trade Center” does seem different from many of your earlier films. Not so much a hot issue as a heart issue.

A: I used to be faster. I did 10 movies in 10 years. This movie was no different in its methodology, with the exception of “U-Turn” and “Natural Born Killers,” which were fiction.

I do my homework. I interviewed, and I interviewed. I interviewed everyone. We have a gold mine here. These two guys are lucid and can talk about it. And process it. This is a gold mine for me, a gold mine for all of us.

You know, the end of “Platoon” has a similar feeling. When Charlie (Sheen) is leaving the jungle, he says something to the effect: We the survivors have an obligation to the dead to remember. And with the remainder of our lives, we must bring a goodness and meaning to this life.

And I think that’s why John and Will are here. That’s why they’re helping us.

-"I do have the right to talk," The Orange County Register, Aug 6 2006 [x]

[purplesurveys]

990

survey by starsareonly2nd

Have you ever been to Las Vegas? No. Doesn’t sound like my type of city. I wouldn’t mind visiting the rest of Nevada though.

What did you have for breakfast this morning? Just a cup of coffee; I skip breakfast except on Sundays, when we actually sit down at the dining table and eat as a family.

Do you have any loose change in your pocket? I don’t have any pockets right now but I do have very few coins in my wallet. I used to have plenty, but I’ve given most of them away because I usually give tips to the nice people who help me get out of parking spots.

Do you like Taylor Swift? I like some of her songs, especially the ones from 1989, but I have no idea why I just can’t get into her as a person.

What's your favorite Disney Channel movie? I haven’t tuned in to that channel for a very long time now, but the movies that I got the most excited about as a kid were Twitches, Wendy Wu, Camp Rock, The Cheetah Girls, and High School Musical 1 and 2.

If you met your favorite celebrity, would you be calm or star struck? I’d be starstruck in a calm way; like I’d most likely be too shocked to get more than a few words out. I’m sure I’d come off as shy or boring haha, which is why I’ve refused to meet or interact with my favorite celebrities even if I’ve already had the chance to.

Are there any lights on in the room you're in? I have a ceiling light and a desk lamp, but both are turned off. My only light source at the moment is my laptop screen.

What's your favorite subject in school? History.

What's your favorite holiday? My birthday, if that counts. Christmas can also be great but only for the food, the reunions with extended family, and the freedom to guiltlessly cut off contact with colleagues for a couple of weeks. All other aspects of it make me miserable though.

Do you ever have to do yard work? I’ve never had to do that before.

Is your school close to your house? I mean, it wasn’t a 10-minute walk away but it’s relatively close and driving to my university objectively doesn’t take too long unless there’s heavy traffic. If there’s absolutely no barriers I could get to school in 15-20 minutes, but this is really only just for weekends where I have to go to school for some reason. If there’s traffic (and there always is), I take anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half.

Speaking of school, how did you get there today? I haven’t been to my school since the first week of March, and I’ve already graduated since then.

Do you think Bad Romance is a catchy song, or an annoying one? I can honestly tell you that I have genuinely never gotten sick of that song. It’s a late 2000s classic, man. Of course it was too explicit for my 11 year old ears when it first came out, but I found it catchy nonetheless.

Do you use perfect grammar online? I always try to be correct, yes. When I use improper grammar it’s usually because I’m joking.

Are you currently using a laptop? Yup.

Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? I haven’t used iTunes in a while and Spotify, which I do use, doesn’t work that way.

Did/do you listen to Britney Spears songs? I’ve never skipped her singles whenever I caught them on the radio and I’ve always fairly enjoyed the music she puts out, but I normally don’t voluntarily listen to her i.e. look up her songs myself on Spotify.

Is it a windy day? It is now that it’s nighttime, but it was a little humid all day today.

In the past week, have you ridden in a taxi? No. I’m not actually sure if that’s even already allowed...the possibility of public transport is still pretty murky where I live.

What shorthand do you use the most? I have no idea what this means. I did try looking it up but I dunno if I’ve ever had to use shorthand at any point in my life.

Do you ever wish on stars at night? Every now and then, but it’s just the little kid in me.

What color are your eyes? Dark brown. I feel like I answer this at least once a week.

What album is the current song you're listening to off of? Not listening to music but the last song I heard is from an album called Petals For Armor.

What are you doing after you finish this? Try not to cry/break down. Find something to watch on YouTube. Maybe play with Cooper to destress and forget about my problems for a bit.

In your opinion, what song is the most overplayed right now? Other than songs I occasionally put on repeat, I have not heard any new music for a while now.

Are you in a band? Nope, never been.

How clean is your bedroom? We just tidied it up and rearranged a few things last month so I’d say it’s clean - at least tidier than it used to be. And I’m a little proud that despite how rough life has been, I’ve managed to keep it clean. It’s the little things.

Is there a pen within reaching distance of you? Yeah, there’s one on my desk and I can easily reach out and grab it.

Are you sitting at a desk? I’ve moved to my bed for now. My back does not appreciate sitting at a desk all day.

Does your favorite band have a male or female lead singer? Female.

Do you normally shut your bedroom door before you go to sleep? Yesssssssss. We have a light source by the stairs that extends to the hallway and reaches my room, so it gets super annoying if my door is even just slightly ajar because my eyes get distracted by the faint light. My door has to be completely shut for me to feel comfortable in the privacy of my room.

Have you seen the movie Moulin Rouge? I haven’t. I loooove Lady Marmalade, but I’m just not sure if the movie itself is my cup of tea.

Would you ever dye your hair a different color? I’d love to have the chance to do that, yeah.

Are there any framed pictures in the room you're in? There are a couple.

Have you ever been to a Broadway show? Nope.

Do you watch So You Think You Can Dance? I don’t think so but I do remember watching a few episodes of Dancing with the Stars because a wrestler that I liked was one of the contestants for one season. I’m just not sure of SYTYCD also featured wrestlers in their shows; if that has been the case in the past- and I’m just not sure because my memory is a little hazy - I would’ve given it a watch.

What's your favorite movie soundtrack? The Twilight Saga churned out some bomb ass soundtracks. Other than that, I also enjoyed Interstellar’s and Requiem for a Dream’s.

Do you prefer group or individual work? Depends on what kind of work needs to be done. If a task is graphic design or video editing-heavy, I would prefer to work with other people; but if it’s gonna be heavy on something that’s already my forte, I like to work by myself.

Do you have a key to anything besides your house? Just my car.

Are you wearing anything with stripes? Not at the moment.

What time did you go to sleep last night? 9:45 I think? A little later than 10? Somewhere along that range.

Did anyone tell you you were beautiful today? No.

What show did you last watch? Friends.

Do you think you'll do anymore surveys today? I doubt it. This one is already quite longer than the surveys I usually take.

What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Cookies and cream; and more recently, chocolate chip cookie dough.

When was the last time you stayed home from school sick? Sometime in February last year. I developed a fever the night before but wasn’t able to start feeling better by the next morning, so I had to skip the one class I had that day.

Could you ever complete a 500-piece puzzle? Yes. I’m actually planning to buy a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle; it’s one of the items I’ve put on my cart recently. Depressed Robyn is also spend-a-lot-of-money-on-artsy-craftsy-supplies-Robyn, so.

If you could run a red light and not get caught, would you? Hell no.

Do you like to listen to music as you do your homework? Not usually, but sometimes I’ll put on lo-fi since that’s the only kind of music I can listen to and still keep my focus.

Did you think Adam Lambert's AMA performance was really that controversial? I’ve never encountered it, but I doubt I’ll have a problem with it if I do get to watch the performance. I love Adam Lambert and I've never found myself shaking my head at whatever he’s doing.

Do any bands flat-out annoy you? They’re a boy band more than anything but The Vamps has consistently irritated me through the years.

Do you have a mirror in your bedroom? No. I used to, but I gave it to my sister.

Was today a birthday for any of your friends? I don’t think so. With all my social media being deactivated I never get notified about birthdays anymore, but I’m fairly sure none of my friends blow out their candles every October 22nd.

When was the last time you rode in a limo? I’ve never been in one.

Do you take naps daily? No. I can’t really do that anymore since I have an 8-hour shift on weekdays, lol.

Do you still make Christmas lists? No.

Do you watch the show Dexter? I tried getting into the show because it used to always be said in the same breath as Breaking Bad, but I never got invested. I heard later seasons sucked too, so that also turned me off from continuing to pursue the series.

What's the background on your phone? I have a motivational comic that says “You’re doing really well given the circumstances” as my lockscreen. Cooper smiling is my home screen.

When were/will you be a a sophomore in high school? That was six years ago.

Are you scared of any animals? Any flying insect or bug, and I find them scarier if they come with a loud buzz.

Have you ever been to any sort of convention? YouTube Fanfest, if that counts as one. I’m not really sure what counts as a convention haha, but that’s the closest thing I’ve got.

Which song did you last listen to on repeat? Why We Ever by Hayley Williams.

Where do you want to live when you grow up? I’ve stopped thinking about that for now. My focus has since shifted to asking myself if I’ll still even be alive in a few years...ugh, how far we’ve fallen.

Are you currently using a blanket? No. It’s not cold enough for a blanket yet, but maybe in a few hours.

Are there any songs that make you cry? A lot.

How many siblings do you have? Two.

What are you doing this weekend? I have no idea.

Do you prefer swimming at the beach or in a pool? BEEEEEEEEACH. Once I took my first dip in a beach, I never wanted to swim in a pool ever again.

When was the last time you had a haircut? March.

Which musical instrument do you think sounds the prettiest? Piano, saxophone, and violin. Can’t pick a favorite; I think they all sound beautiful.

Are you in band or chorus at your school? I was never in either.

Do you know what you want for Christmas? Yeah but they’re all intangible. I want to be happy, be at peace, normalcy, etc. I’ve stopped pining for presents, especially now that I can afford my own shit.

Do you watch fireworks on New Year's Eve? Always.

Is your birthday within the next three months? Nope. You’ll have to add three more months to that timeframe.

How long is the song you're listening to? No music.

Are you anticipating anything this week? I’m waiting for a couple of very specific emails to come in, and I hope they do before the week ends.

Is your mom or dad the older parent? My dad, but only by 8 months. They were born in the same year.

Have you taken the SATs yet? I never had to take them, but I heard they’re triiiiiiiicky.

Do you watch anything on E? We never had E! in our cable service but I like tuning into that channel whenever we stay at hotels because I get to watch KUWTK, hehe.

Are you going to get off the computer now that you've finished this? Most likely.

[the-obsession-ship]

New in town (Jim Hopper x Reader) Part 1

Pairings: Jim Hopper x female!reader

Warnings: Abusive Ex, Some violence, Mention of abuse in the past, Language.

Type: Drama and Fluff

Word count: 3,000+

Okay, this took me longer than expected I’ll admit, but I’m kinda proud of it? I tried a different writing style for this one so let me know if you like it or not. Feedback is always welcomed and appreciated. The idea for this fic came to me in a dream which is pretty cool.  This is the longest part one fic I’ve ever written.

“Joyce, all I’m asking is for you to introduce me next time she comes into the store” Hopper leans on the shelf next to Joyce, arms crossed, it feels like he’s 16 again asking his friend to talk to the girl he likes for him.

“Why can’t you just talk to her? You're the Chief after all and she just moved here, you’ll have to speak to her eventually” 

“But, it’s not that easy, I’ve seen her around town for months and yet I haven’t figured out how to just talk to her. I-I don’t know Joyce, next time she comes in just bring up my name or something-” 

“Okay, okay, just leave it to me, Hop” The bell rings in the front of the store, signally a new customer is here “I’ll be right there!” Patting Hopper on the shoulder assuring the flustered man that she’ll take care of it.

“Oh, Y/N! I didn’t think I’d see you here today, I guess you're taking a break from house hunting?” Joyce smiles at your sleep-deprived form.

“Yeah, moving really took it out of me, so I thought I’d spend the day doing some much-needed shopping” Knowing all too well if you had to spend another night on Flo’s cramped ancient couch, you’d at least have to get a better pillow.

Flo used to babysit you when your parents lived near Hawkins and when you moved here a few months ago, she welcomed you again with open arms until you found a place to live, but seriously that couch is going to be the death of you.

Hopper stood awkwardly by the checkout line Joyce was tending, his presence reminding Joyce what she agreed to do “Oh, I don’t think you two have met, Y/N, this is Chief Hopper” Joyce points you towards the handsome man leaning on the shelves in front of you, he gives you a kind smile.

“No, I haven’t had the chance to introduce myself, I’m Y/N, I’m kinda new in town” Smiling up at the man who in height makes you feel very small, you reach out to shake his hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Chief”

Hopper takes your offered hand in his large one shaking your hand gently “It’s nice to meet you too, Y/N, Flo mentions you a lot” Joyce smiles while watching you bring out a new, bashful side of the Chief.

You chatted with Joyce for a bit, then said a quick goodbye to them both, not wanting to hold them up form their jobs any longer.

You couldn’t quite get Hopper off your mind after you met him, skimming over the candle section, a place you always wound up even though you had no need for another scented candle, your thoughts were elsewhere, Chief Hopper was a much-needed distraction from worrying about your ex, and a very handsome one at that.

Flo hadn’t questioned much when you moved to Hawkins, she never brought up your ex and she never asked about the bruises on your arms or your lack of belongings.

Leaving in the night was your best way to get away from Adam, you had been planning to leave for a while, but the night before you left he had gotten a little too rough with you, going to the police should have been the first thought on your mind but your past experience with the police didn’t go so well, and they ended up dismissing your case for lack of evidence against him. 

The day you left he had come home from another night out with his friends and passed out on the couch, taking this as the opportunity you needed, you gathered what you could and shoved it into a small suitcase and backpack then left without even leaving a note.

You decided on Hawkins because you had grown up not far from there, you had known Flo from a very young age, it seemed like the safest place for you.

Until Adam had shown up this morning.

.

It had been a slow week at the office for the Chief, one he really needed, he didn’t mind his job but the continuous calls about crazy dogs and cats going missing filling of his days were enough to drive anyone insane, a moment of peace and quiet was much needed.

Coming in from his forth smoke break of the day, he overheard Flo talking to someone on the phone, “He came by earlier this week, I just wish she would talk to me about it, you know?”

In the quiet office, Hopper could hear her talking while he refilled his coffee, stopping when he heard your name being brought up. “She told him he shouldn’t come by and that she didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. Now, I don’t like prying into her business, I just want Y/N to be safe”

Hopper was so into the conversation about you he didn’t notice the coffee spilling from his overfilled cup until it was burning his hand and spilling down the counter “Shit!”

Flo’s conversation had plagued Hopper’s mind for the rest of the day, who’s this guy that showed up? An ex? Was Y/N in danger? Flo didn’t sound too happy about the whole situation but she didn’t allude to much either. He considered asking Flo about it but decided he didn’t want to pry.

At home, Hopper's mind was still on you and what he overheard today, the late-night television show was long forgotten as his thoughts raced. Downing the last of his bottle, he got up to get another one, opening the nearly bare fridge proved only one thing “Damn, I’m out of beer” deciding he’d probably forget to go to the store tomorrow and end up coming home with nothing in the house, going now probably was for the best.

.

Flo wanted to run to the store remembering she needed a few items, you told her you’d go instead, insisting you needed some things yourself, but you honestly just wanted to get out of the house, the thought of Adam being in town had you holed up in her house most of the week, you couldn’t live in fear of him forever, now could you? Besides you needed beer anyway.

Deciding sweatpants and an oversized top would do, I mean it’s late in a small town, chances are you’ll only get weird stares from the teen at the counter.

Walking into the supermarket, the smell of floor cleaner and fluorescent lights hitting you at once making you rub your tired eyes. Pulling out the list Flo had kindly given you, you grabbed a shopping cart and decided the eggs and milk would be your first stop.

Grabbing everything on Flo’s list along with some of your own items, you remember the reason you talked yourself into this late shopping trip, beer.

Softly humming to the David Bowie track that echos throughout the nearly empty store, you turn down the alcohol aisle smiling when you spot a familiar face, “Chief Hopper, I didn’t expect to see you here this late”

Hopper turns towards you, holding the same brand of beer you always buy, he looks tired and he’s wearing a white shirt that clings to him a little too well and his work pants. Tired and disheveled he still looked really handsome. You caught yourself staring a little too long. “Grabbing beer and dinner, what’re you doing here?”

“Flo needed some stuff so I volunteered, can you pass me one of those?” Pointing at the beer he was holding.

“Oh, yeah” He grabbed a pack and placed it in your cart “You drink this shit too?” Hopper laughed making his tired demeanor lighten a bit.

“Yep, it’s cheap and does the job” You smiled at him noticing his ‘Dinner’ was most likely the bag of chips he was holding. “Is that all your going to eat?”

“I can’t cook and I’m always too tired anyway, so yeah it is usually tortilla chips and salsa” You nodded, an idea coming to you.

“You should really come by for dinner sometime, I can’t say I’m the best chef, but I do pretty well” Was this considered flirting? Would he assume you were flirting with him? You sure hope he did.

“Oh yeah? I might just take you up on that one of these days” Hopper’s smile changed a bit, expressing that you were both testing the waters on flirting.

“How about Thursday?” 

“What?” He questioned, catching him off guard, clearly not ready for how straight forward you were being.

“Dinner, Thursday night? Around 7, I’ll cook spaghetti or something” Your confidence wavering as you remember your asking out the Chief of police of this town, a man who had a lot more life experience than you and might not even be that into you.

“Right, that sounds great. I’ll be there” Hoppers smile returns before he says a quick goodnight to you and heads to check out. Guess you’re going to have to pick up some more ingredients.

.

Thursday comes quickly and Hopper is already on edge and it’s only 2 in the afternoon.

Puffing away on yet another cigarette to calm his nerves, he wasn’t used to being this nervous around women, but you’re younger than him and even though he’s definitely into you, he has no idea why you’d consider him. It’s making his nerves worse just thinking about it.

His day had been kept quite busy as he didn’t want to risk working overtime and canceling your dinner, he contemplated if he should change before tonight, but he didn’t really have anything better to wear at home, unless he wanted to wear jeans and a t-shirt, he didn’t think that would impress you very much.

It took everything in Hopper not to call you again and ask if tonight was still on, you had gotten his number from Flo and called to let him know that she would be out with a friend for dinner that night, so it would just be the two of you, and he had restrained himself from asking then if this really was a date or not.

Watching the clock every hour felt like it took twice as long for it to go by, he rubbed his eyes and downed the last of his coffee.

.

You were busy getting the ingredients together before Hopper came over tonight, Flo was happy to hear you invited over the Chief for a dinner date, not seeming to mind the age gap of you two. She informed you that she couldn’t remember the last time she’s seen Hopper this happy, the whole week she had told you was a nice change from his usual demeanor, he seemed to have a passion to actually come to work again.

Flo had told you a few days ago she would be out having dinner with a friend on Thursday, solving the problem for you on how you were supposed to have a dinner date with Chief Hopper if Flo was going to be there, not that you minded at all, it just made you even more excited for tonight.

Deciding that the pasta could wait until it was closer to 7, as it was only a quarter till 4 and you were already watching the clock, your makeup and hair are done, you even bought a new dress for tonight, as this was the most alive you’ve felt in quite a while.

The doorbell rang throughout the house, you weren’t expecting Hopper for a few more hours and Flo wouldn’t ring the doorbell, who would be at the door? An all too familiar chill ran down your spine.

Holding onto the doorknob and taking a deep breath before the knocking started again and startled you, hoping for anyone but the one person you knew deep down it was.

You pulled the door open “Hello, sweetheart, took you long enough” 

“Adam, what are you doing here?”

"Oh, do I have to have a reason to visit my girlfriend?" Adam leans against the doorframe with an overpowering smell of alcohol coming off him you're surprised he even made it here in one piece.

"I’m not your girlfriend anymore Adam, we’ve talked about this” He brushed past you and went to sit on the couch propping his feet up on Flo’s antique coffee table, which upset you, Flo didn’t even have a water ring on that, you wouldn’t be able to stand it if he left a scratch on it.

“Actually, no we haven’t talked about this, remember you skipped town on me” Sighing, you really didn’t need this tonight, this was going to be the one night you actually enjoyed yourself and he had to come and ruin it. “Listen, I’m busy tonight Adam unless you have something you needed, you should really be going”

“You have plans, huh? Like a date?” leaning against the open front door, you cross your arms and glare at him. You two are not dating anymore, why do you have to explain yourself to him?   

“Yes, Adam I do have a date tonight and I really do need you to leave!” You gesture towards the open door next to you. Holding your ground, but knowing all too well how upset he was getting.

“Who is he?” Standing from the couch his towering frame moving closer to you, hand reaching around you to slam the front door “Dammit, Y/N who is he?!”

You didn’t want any harm to come to Hopper because of you, so you kept your mouth shut, making Adam even angrier. You try and duck under his arm but he pins you against the wall “S-stop it, Adam, let me go!” reaching up you drag your nails across his face, leaving bright red scratches and drawing blood.

“You, little bitch!” Adam had finally lost it, you knew it would happen one day I mean that’s why you moved in the first place but as he raises his hand to you, your body still freezes in shock, as a sharp pain in your left cheek makes tears spill down your face.

Having no one else to turn to that knew about your abusive ex, you called Flo to tell her everything and apologize for the vase Adam had broken in his anger before he left, she was as always, incredibly understanding but Flo begged you to come into the station and file a restraining order.

As you looked at your swollen face in the mirror, the bruise was deep purple now on your upper cheek, making your eye swell a bit, the pain was bearable now, only leaving you with a throbbing headache.

You sighed and dropped towards the sink, you were frustrated and tired but one thing you were for sure of as you pulled your head back up to look at your bruised face, you definitely had enough evidence now and you knew exactly where to go.

.

Hopper had just finished his last papers for the day, he was leaning back in his chair after lighting a fresh cigarette when Flo barged into his office “Thanks for knocking, Flo” he sighed and sat back up in his chair.

“One more case for the day Chief” Flo threw down the papers to file a restraining order as she looked up at the clock “She’ll be here in about 15 minutes, I assume”

“Wait, Flo, I’m done for the day, are you sure this can’t wait until tomorrow?” Flo didn’t want to give any more details then she had too, you were more than able to explain yourself.

“Oh, I’m sure, I’ll let her in when she gets here” Flo left without saying another word, leaving Hopper to his cigarette she was pretty sure he was going to need.

.

You threw on whatever you could find, sad to see that the pretty dress you bought will go unworn in the shopping bag you left it in, it will have to wait for another time, your date night was ruined and you really didn’t want Hopper to see you like this, not after the night you had planned, but it can’t be helped, Flo wasn’t going to take no for an answer and you knew you couldn’t either.

In the car you found a pair of old sunglasses you tossed into the glove box years ago, they were too big for your style but it hid your face enough to feel like people wouldn’t stare as much.

When you got to the Police station, you were immediately greeted by Flo “Oh, sweetie come here” giving you a much needed hug that you wished you could have made last longer but you knew too much comfort was going to make you break down again and not you or your swollen eye needed that right now.

“I’m okay, just ready to get this over with, I don’t ever want to see Adam again” Flo nodded and escorted you straight to Chief Hopper’s office as the little sign read on his door. Flo pushed it open and led you inside, sighing you hoped you didn’t look that bad. “She’s here Chief”

.

Hopper wasn’t expecting you to walk in with Flo, “Y/N?”

“Yeah, this wasn’t how I wanted tonight to go Hop” you took a seat across from him as Flo quietly shut the door, leaving you both alone.

“Why are you filing a restraining order? What happened?” Hop could tell you looked tired and the sunglasses worried him.

“My ex got angry and one thing led to another” Standing up and making his way over to you, Hopper leaned down to look at you, reaching up and hesitating for moment in case you wanted to stop before he gently pulled your glasses off, Hopper’s eyebrows furrowed together, anger coursing through him at the bruise that grazed your lovely cheek.

“I’m tired of this Hopper, I never want this to happen again, I don’t want to be scared anymore” Tears flowed freely from your eyes again, as Hopper pulled you into his arms.

.

.

Let me know if you want a part two!

Tags: @rabbitnextdoor  @l0ve-0f-my-life @kate110199 

[jessiohhh]

One of my best friends @ahufflepuffhobbit tagged me in this long list of things to help us get to know each other, and I’m just so glad to learn more things about her! So I’m going to tag @the-angry-pixie, @s-s-georgie, and @purebloodqueen (and anyone else who wants to join in!) with no pressure to these three to actually complete this! It’s long.

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? I’m a pen snob. I prefer black G2 pens, but I’ll also write with blue or make notes with red on paper copies of reports and things (just so I can feel like a professional at some point in my life). I don’t mind the colors so much as I mind the pen. G2 only for my personal life (bic when I know the pens will be stolen).

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? I lived in Boston for 4 years, and I liked some parts of it. Now I live in a smaller city outside of Boston (around 100k people) and I love it here, but the art scene and the queer spaces are ample and I really like my job.

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? Outside of becoming a better writer, I really want to learn how to cook better and do better food presentations so I can make a “food blog” and become famous for learning how to cook better and teaching people how to cook better.

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? Yes, I just do a regular regular (2 cream, 2 sugar) for coffee, but for tea I prefer honey.

5. What was your favourite book as a child? Under 5, I read The Cay with my dad and loved it. Under 8, I read Goodnight, Mr. Tom, a book about a child evacuee from London which got me started on my WWII history obsession. Under 10, I became obsessed with The Outsiders (which is still my favorite book to this day). Under 13, The Only Alien on the Planet. Under 15, Harry Potter (unfortunately, the author has ruined the series for me). Under 18, I fell in love with this book about a young teen dad, and I’ve never been able to find the book again.

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? I’m totally a baths person, but no tubs are quite the right fit, so when I’m rich and famous I’m getting myself a soaker tub and I will live in that damn thing (I have dreams that my grandmother had a soaker tub--which she did--that she never used--which she didn’t--but I would sneak into her house to use her soaker tub--which unfortunately never happened. Can you tell how stressed I am by nature? I just need a soaker tub with a bath bomb and like 4 hours to myself).

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? Hmm... I just want to be your average garden variety hedge witch. 

8. Paper or electronic books? Either/or. I suck at reading these days. I just don’t have the attention span. Give me a book and I’ll probably only read half regardless of electronic or paper. (#badwriter, #readmore)

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? I quite like capri leggings. They’re my typical go-to wardrobe choice. 

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? I don’t feel like Jessica really fits me that much anymore, but I’m comfortable with Jess.

11. Who is a mentor to you? I would classify one of my college professors, but she just “unfriended” me on facebook because of differing viewpoints (neither are wrong, but her view of what I was saying wasn’t accurate). So I might be in the market for a new mentor.

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? Sure, in some regards, I suppose. A part of me has always wanted to be “famous” but really I’d just take my 15 minute spotlight and be happy with that. I’d really like to be on one of those cooking competition shows (only a nice British TV one, not an American one), or I’d like to have fans on youtube and have a really cool youtube channel, or I’d like to be a writer with some really good books published... or even just a child development theorist. Whatever. Gimme my 15 minutes!

13. Are you a restless sleeper? Relatively, yes. I’m up to pee, to toss and turn, with nightmares. I’m someone who talks in their sleep and who thinks that their dreams are happening in the waking world--so I respond verbally to things dream characters say.

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? I think I’m a romantic at heart, but I have few people to express that side with.

15. Which element best represents you? My sign is water, but I’m definitely more fire.

16. Who do you want to be closer to? I don’t really have anyone that I’m afraid of being close to, but I wouldn’t mind having a datemate. Find me someone to fit that role, please.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? I think a part of me will always miss my brother, and I’m close to my mother but prefer that we have a bit of space between us (we’re too similar). I think there’s this thing where you miss things you’ve never had, because I totally miss feeling part of a close knit friend group.

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. I played alone as a kid a lot, and in my backyard we had a swing set that I would play on a lot. There were horses in the field beside the back yard, and a donkey in the field behind it and in the woods on the other side of the house were a bunch of feral cats. I remember swinging on the swings and hearing something make a god awful sound that I had never heard before (and it sounded really close to me) and I remember panicking and running straight for the house. My dad told his version of the story; he looked out and saw me, eyes wide as saucers, pale as a sheet, running in as fast as my little legs could carry me. 

Admittedly, this is also the house where I’m pretty sure I saw aliens peeking in my bedroom window, so was it supernatural or just an animal? I’ll never know.

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? I’m down to eat almost anything; I ate a baby octopus once, and didn’t really like it. It was too spicy and too chewy.

20. What are you most thankful for? The job I have; I feel incredibly supportive by my supervisor and incredibly thankful to have such wonderful families I get to support every day.

21. Do you like spicy food? I used to... and then I became too white.

22. Have you ever met someone famous? I once spoke on the phone with Hal Sparks (a friend was at a comedy show of his and called me in the middle of the night so he could say hello to me). I’ve also brushed past a few other people while in New York City or in Florida, but nothing super memorable. 

23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? I try to, but then I forget for a year and then I write a page that’s like “well this has happened in the last year.” and I do that every year I keep the physical journal. Sometimes I do write down tarot interpretations and things like that as they pertain to my life at the time.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? Mostly pens. Occasionally pencils, but mostly pens. 

25. What is your star sign? Cancer

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Ew. Crunchy. Who eats soggy cereal?

27. What would you want your legacy to be? I want to be able to continue supporting families even after I’ve gone... through a foundation or through a child developmental theory book... we’ll see.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? I enjoy reading, but I’m pretty sure I have an undiagnosed case of ADHD, and I’ve been chasing the high of going into hyperfocus ever since I was a child--I haven’t stayed up all night reading since my teens and I miss that.

29. How do you show someone you love them? I’m very much a words of affirmation sort of person, and a quality time person. Gimme a day out with a friend or someone I care about and I’ll compliment who they are as a person about 800 times, and if you give me a task to do, I’ll love you forever.

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? Yeah, I’m an ice cruncher.... I know it’s bad, but it’s so good.

31. What are you afraid of? I don’t have a lot of fears, but I think fear that my mom would pass unexpectedly is a big one. I don’t know how I’d get through life without her support and guidance. I also fear panic attacks (not the triggers themselves, but the panic attacks that I have every now and again).

32. What is your favourite scent? I have this incense called Opium that I love... I also love the smell right as it starts to rain, the ocean, sometimes sunny days have a really nice smell too... 

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? I don’t typically say people’s names, but if I have to address someone, I’ll usually say, “Ma’am or sir” until they tell me to call them by their first names.

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? I mean, honestly, I’d still be doing the same thing, but I’d be considering buying my own house and having a kid... two of the things I really want but can not afford right now.

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? I prefer to be in the water at the ocean as compared to a pool (the chlorine kills me), but if I’m going to swim I prefer to do that in a pool... because I don’t trust myself to swim in the ocean--I don’t have enough experience to be a confident ocean swimmer even though I’m a fairly good swimmer in general.

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? Look around to see if anyone has lost it, but then pocket it. Maybe I’d hand it off to a homeless person or someone who looks in need, but that’s me being optimistic that I’d do that.

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Yeah, I drove through the Pleiades meteor shower one year, and saw about 15 shooting stars in 10 minutes. I also stood on top of Mount Lee in Hollywood (where the hollywood sign sits) and saw a shooting star there. Once I was up in Maine and laying in the grass with some friends and saw a shooting star there too... you just have to be in a place that’s dark enough, and it’s likely you’ll see some flaming space trash crash into the earth.

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? I would like to have children to teach them, but I’m worried that won’t happen because $$ and society suck. But I really try to teach the children that I love in my life how to be a good, kind, person, and how to treat others with respect. I try to teach consent early and often. I try to teach loving yourself as you are and how you are, and that who you are is deserving of love, no matter what happens in your life. I try to teach them that they are not perfect (no one is), but that you can amend your actions and make reparations to the people you have harmed with your actions, and that even though you have made a mistake as long as you are taking steps to correct your mistake you are a good person and always worthy of love. 

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? I already have them, but I would like more. But again... $$.

40. What can you hear now? The roomba just turned on. It’s definitely time for bed.

41. Where do you feel the safest? In my room, in my home.

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? Feeling unworthy of love.

43. Of you could travel back to any era, what would it be? I’m not really interested anymore in going back into previous times... the past was only idealistic to white people, and people of color have had a shitty time in every era so I’m good. Take me to a time when racism is done and then we’ll talk.

44. What is your most used emoji? the crying laughing cat face

45. Describe yourself using one word. Intense.

46. What do you regret the most? I don’t know that I have a lot of regrets. I regret when people misinterpret what I mean when I say something that wasn’t explained well. I regret individuals who have exited my life that have chosen to do so of their own volition. But they aren’t things that I had a lot of control over, so I don’t regret them very much.

47. Last movie you saw? Hamilton. I quite appreciated being able to see it finally.

48. Last tv show you watched? I watch a lot of paranormal tv... just because it’s something to put on... actually I fall asleep to a lot of paranormal tv. If I were to see a ghost, I probably wouldn’t react that much because I just sleep through the weird shit they do on tv, so... what up ghost?

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. I don’t tend to invent words... I do like putting words together in new ways though and telling different stories. Maybe I’ll do that sometime.

[backoftheroomandnotbelonging]

73 questions.

I was tagged by @enchantedamusedslightlyconfused

I tag @iamdorka  @xwonderlandxinxhellx @mrs-machinegun-norris (you’re my top three recommended tags)

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?

Like, a 5? I’m at a point in my life that I can go in any direction so I have a lot of freedom and choice. But, I have no idea where I want to be going so I’m in limbo and that makes me anxious...

Describe yourself in a hashtag?

#backoftheroomandnotbelonging

I use it to tag any content I’m posting and Tumblr is typically where I’m the most honest.

If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?

Oooo I don’t know

Colson? Yungblud, maybe Mod Sun as well...

Definitely Colson though - that man is a dream 👀

If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?

I genuinely don’t have the foggiest...

What’s one thing people don’t know about you?

I’ve done pole fitness since I was 14.

What’s your wake up ritual?

Wake up, check the number of notifications I have on my phone, have a wash, get dressed, makeup, breakfast.

What’s your go to bed ritual?

PJs, have a wash, music, lights out, music, fanfiction, daydream, pass out.

What’s your favourite time of day?

Anytime between 2:00 and 4:30 in the morning. It’s when my house is guaranteed to be asleep so I’m finally able to just stop and be me.

Your go to for having a good laugh?

I don’t actually remember the last time I had a good laugh...

KellyVision makes me chuckle though.

Dream country to visit?

America. It’s kinda cliche but oh well. Definitely hitting up Cleveland for EST Fest and maybe NYC. Probably would wanna go to an amusement park as well - I just have this idea that they’re very different to British ones.

And NZ! My cousins are there and together? We’re hurricanes.

What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?

This is one of those questions that I suddenly can’t think of an answer for.

Maybe @xwonderlandxinxhellx​?

I don’t even remember how we started talking but I never thought (I dreamed but never thought) that I would actually make a friend on Tumblr.

So, thank you 🖤

Heels or flats/sneakers?

CONVERSE! I will die in my Chucks.

That being said, ya girl loves feeling herself in heels. I can’t do normal heels so I have these block heel brogues that I adore.

Vintage or new?

I adore the vintage style but sizing often isn’t on my size.

Also love some dark punk grunge clothing.

Who do you want to write your obituary?

I don’t want an obituary.

When I die I want that to be it. No funeral, no nothing.

Style icon?

Colson, Dom?

I’m very into aesthetics that I could never really pull off.

What are three things you can’t live without?

My glasses

My headphones

The Bloom album (quite literally in this case)

What’s one ingredient you put in everything?

Mixed herbs or sweetcorn.

Love Worcestershire Sauce as well.

What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?

Colson Baker (needs a heartwarming homecooked meal)

And there are probably others but none that really spring to mind.

My mum, to thank her?

What’s your biggest fear in life?

Fear of isolation

I’m not scared of being abandoned (if you do that to me then you’re doing me a favour)

But I am scared of closing myself off to people that could be there for me and letting things get bad and consume me again.

Window or aisle seat?

Aisle seat!

I like looking at what’s going on about me.

And it’s odd but I also don’t hate the inconvenience of getting up to let people pass.

What’s your current TV obsession?

Roadies.

And nothing else will ever match it. It’s a crime it was cancelled before a second season.

Favourite app?

Tumblr, followed closely by Pinterest.

I think it’s because they’re spaces that are specifically for your interests, dreams, all that mess in your head and I vibe with that.

Secret talent?

I’m not very talented, not gonna lie.

I can rap all of Breaking News which I feel is impressive?

Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?

I’ve not had many opportunities to be adventurous.

Skipping school always gave me such anxiety so my body definitely thought I was jumping off a cliff or something.

How would you define yourself in three words?

Witty, fangirl, brave?

Favourite piece of clothing you own?

I have a green and grey checkered suit jacket that I adore.

My Adder Technology jumper is my favourite oversized item.

Black ripped jeans.

Must have clothing item everyone should have?

Brown leather belt. I don’t know why but I’ll never go back.

Superpower you would want?

Power of time? Just to like slow it down. I feel like I don’t have enough time to do anything so to slow it down and get shit done would be great. Or just to give myself a minute to breathe. We don’t get enough ‘time out’s in life.

What’s inspiring you in life right now?

Colson has always been inspiring to me.

He came into my life when I was 15 and literally saved it. He’s always going to mean that to me.

Best piece of advice you’ve received?

Mod Sun: I’ve always been a little bit reluctant to say I’m gonna be the best at something because I didn’t wanna disrespect other people, like ‘Imma be the best at something, you can’t have it’. So I’d never really be like that. But if you don’t say you’re gonna be the best at what you’re doing, your insides, that power that you have, doesn’t know what the fuck to do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JUdgoHnL4Q&list=LLF69NADeUPVjZWSlZpeiGWg&index=3&t=0s

Best advice you’d give your teenage self?

Just live, please. We were so close to not living and yet here we are. Please, please, just throw the rule book in the flames. Go to school hungover, pull allnighters to just feel music, smoke, don’t do your homework.

Promise me to be unapologetically yourself.

A book that everyone should read?

In Cold Blood by Truman Capote - just stick with it...it’s an interesting story and raises some questions about life.

The Selection Series by Keira Cass - my favourite YA series.

Harry Potter by JK Rowling - pretty self explanatory? 

What would you like to be remembered for?

I don’t wanna be remembered.

I’m gone, just move on. Find a new energy to bring into your life.

How do you define beauty?

    (That is a purposeful blank space.)

What do you love most about your body?

That it’s never given up on me.

Best way to take a rest/decompress?

Music as loud as possible so you can just lose yourself.

Favourite place to view art?

Oh this has me stumped.

I like art that is significant but isn’t technically legally displayed.

If your life were a song, what would the title be?

It would 100% be a word or phrase that wouldn’t turn up in the lyrics at all.

But you listen to it and the title seems like the perfect title, nothing else could represent this song.

If you could master one instrument, what would it be?

Guitar, bass? No, drums. Vocals...

I just want some musical talent!

If you had a tattoo, where would it be?

Oooo, get ready.

Bee, on my collarbone.

Lace Up, on my wrist.

Tree, on my sternum.

Stars/an astronaut/a solar system, somewhere undecided.

Dolphins or koalas?

Don’t really have a preference...

But the dolphins in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy were great so...

What’s your spirit animal?

I think maybe a seal?

Best gift you’ve ever received?

My headphones.

I have tiny ears so have always struggled to find earbuds that are comfortable for a long period of time.

I found some!

And then they were discontinued so it’s really difficult to buy them.

I was surprised with 3 pairs once and I practically cried.

Best gift you’ve ever given?

Ummm, I’m not very artsy creative but I once made my mum a birthday card using a teabag, I think she liked it?

I was a teenager so it was really rare that I ever did something artistic so I think she especially appreciated the effort and discomfort I felt.

What’s your favourite board game?

Chess.

Game of Life.

Cards against humanity.

What’s your favourite colour?

Grey.

Least favourite colour?

I used to have this severe hate for pink because it was forced on me as a child (I shared a room with my little sister and she loved pink so pink was what she got.)

I’ve grown out of it: pink is punk as fuck.

Diamonds or pearls?

I don’t really have a preference.

I much prefer simple things.

If we’re talking jewellery then I like plain silver.

Drugstore makeup or designer?

Ummm...I’m not sure how to differentiate.

I try and use Natural Collection for the base of my makeup but my eyeliner and eyebrows are Rimmel London and NYX.

Blow-dry or air-dry?

Air-dry

These curls only work one way and that’s their way.

Pilates or yoga?

Both.

Depends on what I need in the moment.

Coffee or tea?

Neither!

I’m not allowed so it’s hot chocolate all the wayyyy.

What’s the weirdest word in the English language?

The weirdest words are the ones that you learnt reading so pronounce one way when actually it’s said entirely differently.

Me, in Year 10, with the word ‘epitome’.

Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?

Depends on my mood really...

Cadbury released this bar that mixed the two together and that seems kinda perfect.

Stairs or elevator?

Either

I like racing people in the lifts to see if I can get up the stairs quicker. Such a child, I know.

Summer or winter?

Winter, for sure.

Natural ginger so the summer is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.

You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?

Mash.

A desert you don’t like?

Apple pie (or any fruit pie)

And custard.

A skill you’re working on mastering?

Skateboarding.

No time like quarantine, eh?

Best thing to happen to you today?

Woke up naturally alert so felt ready to tackle the day productively for the first time since lockdown began.

Best compliment you’ve ever received?

That my writing has helped someone.

Someone told me that A Night of Many Firsts perfectly represented what they were feeling and helped them feel strong enough to get help.

Favourite smell?

My deodorant, baking, the local library.

Hugs or kisses?

Hugs. Simple as.

If you made a documentary, what would it be about?

Intense case study of teenage mental illness into adulthood.

Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?

Pretty Toxic Revolver - Machine Gun Kelly

Probably every episode of Torchwood ever

Lipstick or lip gloss?

Lipstick

Sweet or savoury?

Savoury. Vegan corn chowder, garlic bread, potatoes.

Girl crush?

I don’t really have any?

I mean, I’m bi but no one really comes to mind.

How you know you’re in love?

I’ve never been in love but I hope it would be seeing them and feeling peace.

Knowing that they get every part of you, good and bad, and still choose to stay. And vice versa.

Song you can listen to on repeat?

Pretty much anything MGK

Currently feeling the Lace Up album.

If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?

I wouldn’t want to be someone else.

I’d much rather be able to jump forward and experience a day in my future...for reassurance.

What are you most excited about at this time in your life?

Travelling.

I’m leaving and hopefully never coming back to this place, this mindset, again.

[psychedellic-phase]

Fifteen (pt 5)

A/N: I had a little mental block when trying write this one! I think it worked out in the end but better is coming ! I promise. Enjoyy :)

masterlist

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)

Word count: 3.4k

tw: none, fluff :)

Spencer didn’t dream about you. When he woke up, he was sweaty and disoriented and had no recollection of the dreams he had. He fell asleep next to the box fully clothed, his arm thrown across where you should have been. In those first few moments of morning when you aren’t quite sure where you are or who you are, he reached around for you and found nothing but emptiness. 

‘Emptiness? No that can’t be right. She was right here.’ 

Just as he thought it, the truth occurred to him. 

‘She was never here. Just the box. Wait, the box. Where is the box?’

He shot up quickly, getting a little dizzy, and frantically looked around the room. He saw that he had knocked the box over while he slept and the contents were scattered all over the floor. He groaned and went to pick everything up. His hands found all the items and he put them away carefully, not peeking. He didn’t want to ruin the surprise. When everything was put back where it belonged, he sighed and sat on his bed, staring longingly out the window. 

It was barely 6 am and the sun had risen, but he couldn’t see it behind the thick gray clouds that lined the sky. It was snowing. Not a rare thing to see in Virginia, but it was very appropriate for this day. You loved snow, wintertime, the holidays, all of it. You even tried to get him to go skiing with you a few times, which he refused to do. He is extremely clumsy in nature and would definitely hurt himself or someone else if he tried. It’s a miracle they even let him carry a gun. Besides, he’s more suited to drinking hot cocoa in the lodge by a fire. The cold is much less forgiving to him. Growing up in Vegas made him partial to the heat. Even though he had lived on the East coast for many years, he’d still complain anytime the temperature dropped below 40 and bundle up in a wool coat and scarf.  Your New England roots on the other hand, taught you to handle the cold much better. When he’d complain about being freezing, you would tell him that he had no idea what real cold was like, and when you would complain about the heat he’d return the sentiment. 

He left the box on the bed and took a shower. He needed to wash everything from the last day off.  It was therapeutic to just stand in the hot water and let it burn slightly, reminding him he could still feel. This had been so emotionally draining; he could barely remember the last time he cried so much. Today he just felt numb, barely bothering to put on more than sweatpants, but somehow mustering up enough energy to make a pot of coffee. He had a feeling he’d need the whole thing to get through the next twelve letters. Each one felt heavier in his hands than the previous did, and each cut a little deeper too. With a cup of coffee in hand, he fished around for envelope #4. 

“Spence, this next one is special. You’ll know why the second you pick it up. #4: The Book of Margery Kempe.”

He smiled and ran his hands over the book, his mother’s favorite. The spine was bent like it’d been cracked open many times, and the pages were worn and well read. He could tell it was your personal copy because of the dog-eared pages. You always did that, making him grimace every time you creased the corner of a page. 

“You could just use a bookmark, Y/N,” He’d say, earning an eye roll from you. 

“A book should look like it’s been read, that’s why I buy paperbacks and write in them! I want anyone who picks up something I’ve read to feel how much I loved it, that way they love it too.” 

That comment always made him smile, “Fine, just don’t do it to any of my books.”

“Don’t worry Dr. Reid, I only do it to my personal collection.”

The memory felt warm and inviting, but ended quickly. Instead, he grabbed the book, the letter, and his coffee and sat at the chess table he had pushed against a window. He wanted to see the snow while he read, just to feel closer to you.  

“I bought for our flight to Vegas, the trip where I met your mother for the first time. You mentioned Kempe was her favorite, and I so badly wanted to impress her. I know she’s...well she’s her. But you’re her pride and joy, Spence, I didn’t want to disappoint her. Or disappoint you for that matter. Remember when you asked? 

“I’d like you to come with me next week,” You said over an IHOP pancake breakfast. 

“To Vegas?”

You nodded, “Yeah I’d love if you came with me. You could see my hometown.”

“I’ve been to Vegas, Love.”

I know it seemed like I didn’t want to go, that isn’t the case. I did want to go. I wanted to go so bad, but I was hesitant. I was so terrified that I would mess up. I didn’t want to ruin us, we’d been doing so well. I felt like this would be a defining moment in our relationship (spoiler alert: it was) and I didn’t want to risk it going poorly. 

“Yeah on cases! And that is not the impression of Vegas I want you to have. C’mon please? It would mean the world to my mom.”

I think I choked on my pancake, “Your mom? She knows about me?”

“Of course she does, I write her letters all the time.”

“Your mom knows about us, and you want me to meet her?” 

You smiled and nodded, “Yeah Y/N, how many times do I have to say it? I want you to meet my mom.”

That’s probably when I tackled you in a hug in the middle of an IHOP. That solidified the fact that you trusted me. I knew you trusted me at work, but the fact that you were willing to show me that side of you, the side you don’t really show anyone? I can’t thank you enough for it. 

We’d been together just over six months, which to most people that seems like a long time to wait to meet the parents, especially when we were already so serious, but your situation is different. I wanted you to do it in your own time. 

My family on the other hand, you met them pretty early into us dating. My niece turned one a few months into us being together and I dragged you to Connecticut for the party. Everyone loved you, of course they did. There isn’t one thing to not love about you. Nate and my dad were definitely not thrilled that I was bringing you. Nate tries to be all Big Brother-y but it’s all an act, he’s a softie. And dad would rather I marry a rich man and be a stay at home mom. I can hear him now saying, “Y/N if your mother were here to see you thirty and unwed she would be so disappointed !” Dads. They’re the worst, but I don’t have to tell you that.”

For some reason that made him chuckle, having rough/nonexistent relationships with your fathers was just another item on the long list of things you had in common. On paper, you were a perfect match. But that was the only place. 

“But somehow, you didn’t have to wear them down, they just loved you instantly. Even Mia loved you, and she was one! You handed her toys and helped her put on her shoes. You talked to my dad about whatever he had on the History channel. It was perfect. You fit right in with us; it was like you completed us, you were the missing piece that we didn’t even know we needed. I know Mia will miss you; you were always so good with her. I think we’ll all miss you. And my dad is going to hate that I will not be married off any time soon, but he can deal with that. 

But back to your mom. To say I was nervous to meet her is probably the biggest understatement of all time. The way you love and care about her is one of the many reasons I fell in love with you. The way a guy treats his mom says a lot about how he’ll treat you, and with you it said ‘oh my god he’s perfect’. You do everything you can for her, even though it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. I admire that; I can only wish to be that kind and giving. 

We both took a few days off to go see her, and when we were in the airport I pulled out this book and tried to read it. 

“That’s mom’s favorite,” You said, smiling at me shyly. 

“I know.” 

The plane was delayed due to a storm. We sat waiting and waiting for a few hours, your hand on my thigh and my head on your shoulder as I desperately tried to read this book. I really did. I stumbled through about 50 pages but had retained literally nothing. I found myself rereading sentences like ten times over and trying to decode them. I felt embarrassed about it. You could read the whole thing with your morning coffee and immediately recite it forwards and backwards, and translate it into Korean and Russian flawlessly and there I was, sounding out every word. It’s not like I can’t read. I can read, I just can’t read and comprehend 1500s English very well. Science was always my strong suit.

I didn’t get much farther on the plane ride either. You, on the other hand, brought a whole library in your carry on and on that 5 hour plane ride you read two thick books, took an hour long nap, played solitaire (twice), won war against me (twice), and ate all the snacks I brought for you. And in that same time frame, I had gotten through maybe half of the book, taking very long breaks to stare out the window, talk to you, and try to sleep. 

“What part are you at?” You asked me at one point and I just kind of stared at you. 

“Uh, the uh, part where she’s going to Jerusalem?”

You chuckled, “That’s not very far.”

I shoved you playfully, “Hey! It’s confusing and hard to understand!”

You reached for the book, trying to take it from me, “Let me see.”

I moved it out of reach, “No! I need to figure it out on my own.” You smiled and let me keep trudging along. 

When you woke up from your nap your head was on my shoulder and I was running my fingers through your hair like I usually do did when you slept. 

“You don’t have to read it, Y/N,” you mumbled, your voice groggy with sleep. It’s always raspy when you first wake up. 

“I know, I just thought maybe I would impress her.”

You smiled and leaned over and kissed my cheek, “I love that, but don’t worry. I promise she’ll love you.”

Then you nuzzled into the crook of my neck and fell back asleep. I put my head on top of yours, closed the book, and allowed myself to do the same. 

When we landed, it was hot. Like, ungodly hot. No wonder you can't stand the cold. 

We first went to the hotel and I changed into more appropriate clothes for the weather. You somehow still had on slacks and a shirt, I don’t know how you didn’t sweat to death. I drove us to the sanitarium, and you were nervous, you barely even spoke. You were twiddling with your fingers and bouncing your leg, I didn’t have to use my profiling skills to figure it out. The radio was off and you stared out the window. 

“How long has it been?” I finally said. 

“Three hundred and six days.”

I just nodded, your nerves added onto mine tenfold and I thought I may faint. I got us there safely though. 

“You stay here, I’m going to see if it’s a good day. If not we’ll come tomorrow,” You said. 

I just nodded and leaned over to kiss you. It took way longer than I thought it would for you to come out and when you did you were smiling. Huge. 

“Good day?” I asked, hopping out of the car. You just nodded, still grinning ear-to-ear. You grabbed my hand and every nerve I had melted away. You always had that effect on me, even when we were just friends. No one will ever get me in the same way again. Even if they tried, I wouldn’t let them. You were it for me”

Spencer reached for the mug to take another sip and found it was already empty. He stared into the bottom of the mug where some sugar hadn’t dissolved and mulled over that last sentence.

You were it for me.

He put the mug down forcefully, knocking a few chess pieces over.

So then why wouldn’t you LET him be it for you?

“You led me to her, pulling me behind you, whispering reassurances to me the entire time. 

“Mom, this is Y/N, Y/N this is my mother.”

I came out from behind you, probably looking like a meek little mouse, “Hello.” I waved. 

“Now Spencer, you didn’t tell me she was pretty.”

You blushed and stammered, she chuckled, “It’s nice to finally meet you Y/N. I’ve heard a lot about you.” 

“Likewise,” I said, and shook her hand. It was warm and soft like yours. In fact, so much of her is in you. You don’t look the same, but your mannerisms are pretty close to identical. Her hair is lighter than yours but equally as wild. I love her, because she’s you. So many parts of you, the best parts of you. She made you, and I love you, so I love her too. 

You let us talk alone for a while and she told me about your childhood. How she called you ‘crash’ because you were always running into something. How you were always the smartest kid around and how she was so proud to be your mom. She told me about the letters you send her, much like the one I’m writing right now. You told her about all our adventures, nights crying over Emily, the film festival, Jacksonville (PG version of course); you told her all of it. Your mom had your version of our love story hidden in letters somewhere in her room. That inspired me to write my version, the version you’re reading right now. 

She told me she knew we were together before you even told her because all your letters became about me. All the case stories had me and you as the stars, everyone else falling into the background. Hearing how you talked to her about me made my insides feel all fuzzy. You told her I was intelligent, courageous, empathetic, funny, and pretty much every other positive adjective you could find. 

“I’ve never heard him talk about anyone the way he talks about you,” she told me, “He definitely cares about you.”

I smiled, “I’ve never cared about anyone as much as I care about him.”

“So you love him?” 

I was taken aback at first, and paused for a moment to think, “Yeah, I do.”

It’s a weird thing to say to your boyfriend’s mom the first time you meet her, but she’s just so easy to talk to. It’s double weird because I hadn’t even told you that I loved you yet. I was being honest, I never loved anyone the way I loved you. 

“I couldn’t ask for anything more for him.”

Then I hugged her awkwardly and you came back in. I was trying and failing to suppress the smile on my face the whole time. The three of us talked until visiting hours were over. We left her with the promise that we’d be back again tomorrow.

“I was right Y/N, she loves you!” You said as we climbed back into the rental.

“She’s pretty great,” I said and held your face in my hand, “So are you.”

Tomorrow never came. 

The next day was a bad one for her, so you took me to the neighborhood you grew up in, pointing out the sites you wanted me to see and telling me the memories you had there. You took me to get chicken fried lobster at Binion’s. You held my hand as we walked down the Las Vegas strip, pointing out the ones you’re banned from. On the last day, we ordered room service and spent all day in bed, not bothering to get dressed. I loved learning about your past. At the time I anticipated being part of your whole future; I would be in every story for the rest of your life. I hate that now I’m just another chapter of it.

On the flight home I cracked open the book again and this time I read it with newfound vigor. I had a new appreciation for it after talking to your mom. You watched me flip through it, highlighting and annotating like I was in English class. You peered over my shoulder the whole time, and don’t think I didn’t see the smirk on your face. 

“When her crying passed, she came before the Archbishop and fell down on her knees, the Archbishop saying very roughly to her, “Why do you weep so, woman?” I read aloud, looking up into your warm eyes as we descended. 

“She answering said, ‘Sir, you shall wish some day that you had wept as sorely as I,’” you finished, not even having to look at the page. 

You have wept as sorely as I, Spencer, and I do not wish this feeling on anyone. 

I closed the book and held it to my chest, staring at you and mustering up the nerve to say it.

“I love you,” I whispered, just loud enough for you to hear. 

You tried to contain your grin and scrunched up your eyebrows. You cupped your ear and pretended you couldn’t hear me, “What was that?”

I rolled my eyes, “I love you.” I said it louder, more forcefully this time. 

“I love you too,” you said, no hesitation. 

I turned my head up to catch your lips and seal the whole weekend with a kiss. 

It’s kind of funny how I confessed my love for you up in the sky, among the clouds, somewhere over Virginia. It’s funny because I was on cloud nine, almost literally. It felt so good to finally say it. We were in love, arguably the most magical thing in the world. There is no one I would rather have experienced that with than you, Spence. And no one I will ever experience it with again. 

Your mother and I write to each other sometimes. Like remember when she went to the Grand Canyon? She may have sent you the Grand Canyon, but she sent me a turquoise necklace, which I will be keeping. She wrote to me once in the last few weeks since we broke up. I can’t answer. I can’t send her any more letters, it doesn’t feel right; it’s no longer my place. 

So next time you visit her, show her this. I hope she doesn’t mind that I wrote in parts of it, maybe someday I’ll be able to find it in myself to write to her again and she can tell me what I missed or got wrong. Give her a hug for me Spence, and tell her I’m sorry, I wish I could come in person to tell her, but I can’t. Tell her I already miss her. I know how happy she was for us, how excited she was about... well everything. How excited we all were. Tell her I’m sorry that I couldn’t do it. Thank her for making you who you are, the most amazing man alive. Tell her it’s been a privilege, because it has been. I mean that.”

Spencer cracked open the book and admired your dog-eared pages and highlighted bits, reading your annotations and rough translations of old English to modern English. He sighed and slid his fingers down the pages. His chest tightened as if he should cry, but no tears could fall anymore. Instead, he stood up and put the book on a shelf, where one day he’d read it again to remember that weekend. To remember you. He walked slowly back to the kitchen, filled his mug again and went to find the box.

(part 6)

tags! (if you would like to be added just let me know!): @l0ve-0f-my-life @aperrywilliams @helloniallslovelies @random-ravings @ajwantsapancake @boiled-onionrings @andiebeaword @frnks-stuff  

[furkanandiceng]

FURKAN ANDIÇ 2017 ELELE MAGAZINE (DECEMBER ISSUE) INTERVIEW

He has such a smile... Furkan Andıç

Smart, sincere, polite, cheerful, likeable, with a beautiful energy, and an animal-lover. He has everything that you seek in a man ... Furkan Andıç who is playing Savaş of the series Meryem is one of those happy, positive people you like more as you get to know them. He chats with us with a huge smile on his face, as if we have known each other for years. So comfortable, so sincere. This positive and big-hearted character of him actually comes from his life motto; we understand it as we speak. This man, who answers the question of “What is your purpose in life?” as “leaving a better world behind than what I found”, while we are used to receiving stereotypical answers like “to buy this or that, to live there, to own this” from many people, reminds us of the times when we used to chase our innocent childish wants. Just like the meaning of his name, he makes us feel his difference. He says that the idea of ‘going somewhere’, or rather, being on the move during the action of going somewhere, no matter where it is, makes him very excited. He says that he finds it appealing to leave everything behind and live in a tropical island, but don’t be afraid, he has no intention of quitting acting.

You must remember the set of your first TV series; how did you feel then?

It was the TV series Kolej Günlüğü (College Diary), the year of 2011. I was so excited. It was an ecosystem that I knew nothing about. But although it was my first time, I felt like I belonged there. It was a very special feeling. What are your dreams regarding acting? Actually, I want to experience it abroad. I want to try it because I think that acting is an international craft. And I have started working on it because of this. Which character of which movie would you want to play? The character Guido from the movie Life is Beautiful directed and played by Roberto Benigni. How do you get prepared for the character you are going to play? Is there a specific acting method that you follow or any method that you developed to internalize your character? There isn’t a single acting method that I follow. I try to combine the pieces from various methods. When I get prepared for the character I’m going to play, I examine his characteristics which make him unique and I look at him from a psychological point of view. In the meantime, I try to ask the questions that he would. And I do this by using my imagination.

You had your first movie experience with Damat Takımı. How different or similar is it to act in a TV series and in a full-length movie?

First of all, the greatest difference is that we have a script with a beginning and an ending in a movie. It is a great advantage for an actor to know where the story starts and where it ends. In this way, you can have the control of all changes that your character goes through. Also films are more flexible about time and scheduling, which gives every department the chance to work in more detail. These details are felt in every scene. When we have such an atmosphere, we as actors can combine those details with our own performance.

Is there a director whose films you never miss? What makes him/her special for you?

Christopher Nolan. Both the world that he creates and his dialogues and story-telling draw you in.

If you had the chance to talk to him, what would you ask him? I’d ask ‘what is the source of your creativity?” I wonder what it is that feeds his creativity.  

Jealousy, taking responsibility**, dependence… Which feelings are the most dominant in you when you fall in love? I think we feed many of our feelings when we fall in love. We even experience every one of our feelings much more intensely. Responsibility** and affection are the first that I can think of.

**T/N: The word “sahiplenme” literally means “taking the ownership of something/someone”. But it refers to the feeling of “accepting someone as your partner, taking his/her responsibility” in relationships. Usually men are expected to do it.                  

What is the first item on your bucket list? To leave everything behind and live in a tropical island. Cats or dogs? Do you have a pet in your house?

Both of them, but I have cats. One of them lives with my parents and the other is with me. When was the last time you tried something new? I decided to be a vegetarian two months ago. It’s a pretty new experience for me now.

What excites you, makes you happy and upsets you the most? The idea of going somewhere makes me really excited. On vacation, here and there. Being on the move somehow makes me happy. It also includes trying something new. I’ve never had big expectations from life to be happy. I believe that I’m usually a happy and positive person. Having my friends around makes me happy. I get upset when something that I put too much effort in doesn’t meet my expectations, and when my kindness is taken advantage of.   Are you a night person or a day person? What time of the day are you more energetic, creative and happy? I’m a night person. I can find the answers to many questions then because I can be by myself more. And this makes me happy. Is there anyone who had an influence on you or you took as a model growing up? My youngest uncle, Hayri. What’s your biggest purpose in life? To leave a better world behind than what I found. When you close your eyes and think about your childhood, what image do you see? I’m playing football in the street. How well do you cook? Do you like cooking? Is there a meal that you love or can cook well?   I like cooking but I don’t have the time to. I’ve always found it fun and relaxing to spend time in the kitchen. I can make various kinds of omelette, for example. What’s your weakest characteristic? I get excited very quickly. Because of this I’ve made a lot of mistakes. What’s your biggest regret to date? I regret not having learnt how to play an instrument. I hope I will do it one day and put an end to this regret of mine. What are your deepest fears? To become lonely. And in parallel with that, losing my loved ones is one of my biggest fears. People are my motivation and source of energy. About what do you have the most doubts??

I have doubts about authorities. What was your most interesting experience to date? My trip to Bali. It was an environment I hadn’t witnessed before. I also had a lot of fascinating personal experiences.

What are your characteristics that you like and dislike the most? I get along with people easily and I’m usually solution-oriented. Also, I believe that I have an energetic and positive character. What I dislike about myself is my forgetfulness. I can sometimes be impulsive. I also forgive easily. I don’t like this about myself. What should be present on a perfect breakfast table? Honey and cream. It’s an extra touch but makes a breakfast perfect for me. Do you live your feelings in an exaggerated way or do you have an introverted personality? I live them in an exaggerated way. Many people who know me well can say this. Which super power would you have if you were given the chance to have one?

To throw the objects wherever I want to. It may sound silly but it’s so much fun. 

What do you complain about the most lately?

About the pain in my right shoulder. It has been with me for the past 4 months. What is the most ruthless criticism you have ever received? I had a very aggressive basketball coach. He told me that I wasn’t cut out to play in a team and should have played in the streets instead. I was too young to receive such a criticism. I also didn’t agree with him. It was too tough for me (to take it).

In a world where no one would judge you, what freedom would you like to have? I wouldn’t pay too much attention to parking. Which characteristic of you are you most proud of?

My sincerity.

You started the season with a strong project. The series Meryem continues its success. Did you think it would receive so much love? In fact, I felt that it would be popular from the very beginning. First of all, it has a powerful script. All characters are connected with each other but have unique stories, which attracts the audience’s attention. My character Savaş is a role where I can improve myself and push my limits. Savaş’s mood swings within the overall story are one of the most important reasons why I wanted to play this character.  The whole team has put so much effort since day one, I think we achieved this as a result of these efforts. It’s a huge source of motivation for us too.

Backstage: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MlRyEFmctM

Source

[osmw1]

Crowbar Nurse   Chapter 4 — You Have Been Warned.

Now that we had made our plans, we had to go through with them.

That mentality was only natural for us slaves to society who create and support the nights of Japan. Finishing up our conversation, we put our plans into action.

“After we collect all the items, we will leave our current area of Downtown and hurry towards the safehouse in Uptown.”

I glanced around restlessly at our surroundings as I spoke to Kiryū.

“The safehouse is… well, it should be safer than everywhere else at least.” “… that’s an odd way to put it. It almost sounds like you’re trying to say that the safehouse isn’t actually safe.”

I could but shrug at his keen inference.

“Unfortunately, you’ve hit the nail on the head. More zombies spawn with every moment that passes. That means there are less safe spaces and makes it harder to beat this game. The safehouses are safe for the first few days though…” “Safe until the zombies encroach into the safe zone?” “Yes.”

He guessed everything correctly.

“Zombies will attack at random intervals after the first few days. If you don’t kill all of the zombies within seven days, a cutscene will play, showing the player being overrun by zombies and forcing a game over. Driving them back will probably buy you some more time, but… it’s not like you can do that anyway. It’s best to just not think about the what-ifs of a game over.”

We were back at the large window from which we came. There were already two, three zombies waiting to fall victim to my assault rifle.

“Wahahahaha, rot in hell!” “… umm, no offense, but are you, y’know… someone who gets too excited from killing people?” “Offense taken! I don’t get off on it, if that’s what you mean. I just like to take out my stress and anger on zombies. They’re inherently evil creatures who were created for the sole purpose of getting killed. No mercy, okay? … a-ha, ahahahaha!” “Never have I thought that any human being would have such a beautiful smile on their face while on a murderous rampage. … but having that said, instead of me defending a younger girl, I feel like I’m the one who has to be protected…”

Kiryū scratched the back of his head, awkwardly standing around.

“Not that I actually need it though. But this is full of surprises. I didn’t think I’d be traveling with a zombie game junkie like you either.” “What, was that a compliment? You’re so nice.” “No, that wasn’t. I’m actually quite shaken…”

He scrunched up his face a little before shaking his head, to which I forced a smile.

“… to tell you the truth, I’d been obsessed with zombie games, so you’re not too far off calling me a junkie. Well, before I got caught up with my practicum and work at least. You’re in safe hands, Kiryū, so don’t worry—s’all good. I may be a little scared, but we’ll make it out of here somehow.” “Your easygoing attitude is rather reassuring, y’know? I had pretty much lost all hope until I found you.”

For a moment, our bitter smiles are mutual until Kiryū suddenly frowned.

“… that being said though, isn’t it weird how you can handle an assault rifle in real life like that?” “Is it weird?” “I’d say so. Aren’t small arms at the top of the list of weapons that are hardest for novices? There are so many clips online of people getting blasted away by guns.” “Hmm… now that you mention it, why do I know how to use it?”

More zombies came at us in the middle of our conversation. I had the rifle on burst mode to get more points, but it was getting a little annoying and I switched it to full auto instead. I don’t even know if I even get points like in a game anyway.

Blood sprayed in the air as chunks of flesh rained down—it a wonderful celebration of violence… zombie games are the best. You’d see the nation’s QoL index shoot upwards if everyone would just relief their stress like me.

“Wahahahaha, eat lead! Die!” “At first I thought I made a bad decision, but now I’m glad I picked up this wild beast.”

Kiryū sighed in astonishment as he watched me spray lead with my rifle and get sprayed with blood.

“I game too, but I’m no expert at zombie games unlike you. I didn’t have the slightest idea how to get ahead in this game. The twists and turns of this area was beyond confusing… I would’ve died here if not for you.” “Heheh, leave it all to me. I know this game like the back of my hand.”

Grabbing the window frame, I hopped over the other side and into the alleyway. I turned around, posed with my rifle, and flashed a smile at Kiryū, hoping to raise his spirits.

“Let’s make light work of these zombies so we can get out of this world ASAP!” “… sign me up. I gotta go back and finish work so I can finally go home. I miss my own bed.”

He heaved another sigh as I laughed in agreement.

“I’m ready snuggle up too, but maybe after a good meal though. There’s edamame, chips, and an ice cold one with my name on them back in the nurses’ dorm.” “… you’re the do as I say–type of nurse, eh? Here for a good time, not a long time?” “Hey, I’m still young! Plus, I haven’t been drinking at home lately either… speaking of which, where do you live, Kiryū?” “Oh, East Shinjuku.” “Wow, for real?!”

I couldn’t help myself from blurting out in surprise.

“I can’t believe you live in a proper place in Shinjuku and not like a cheap dorm for nurses. Adults sure have it nice…” “Hah, it’s nothing special.”

He had somewhat of a smile on his face.

“The boss failed with his bed and breakfast venture with the condo, so instead, he stuffed me in there… and since it’s not particularly safe at night in East Shinjuku, locals try to stay away if they can. Thanks to that, I’ve got a cheap place in Shinjuku that’s real close to work… but there’s also the cops lurking in their cruisers on the side of the road, the drunks shouting in the streets, and the creeps who prowl at night. I don’t feel like I live like a high-roller, that’s for sure.” “Wow… I didn’t know East Shinjuku is like that.” “It’s not just that area of town that’s like that, y’know?” “ I know. But still, that’s amazing… are there perhaps any street thugs who pick fights with you? And do you use bicycles to beat them up?” “That’s what it’s like only in a certain yakuza game. You might see it happen in Kita and Adachi, but I’ve never encountered anything like that in Shinjuku.”

Kiryū looked off to the distance. I furrowed my brow at a particular part of what he said though.

“… that’s a pretty big coincidence though. I work in Shinjuku as well.” “… that’s… oddly convenient.” “Right? How strange… I wonder if it’s a coincidence at all. What if only wage slaves working in Shinjuku get trapped in this world…?”

A bunch of zombies staggered from across the street and into the alley. It’s rare to see them bunch up like this.

“Oh, that’s right. We’ll probably be fine since we have the gun, but shall I check their vitals?” “… what do you—?”

Kiryū must have had a bad feeling about what I said, but I ignored his question. Instead, I shoved the rifle at him and charged at a zombie.

“Hey, wha— Sera?!”

He shouted at me, but whatever. After scuffling with the zombie for about tens of seconds, I plunged my hand deep inside it.

 “… you’re literally ripping its guts out?!”

 Kiryū’s quip explained all there was to explain. I’m sure lots of people would get angry and complain about it being too grotesque if I were to write out all the details, so I’ll make it short. In any case, I ripped it guts out.

“What the hell are you thinking, Sera? Wait, I didn’t even know you could do that in this game!” “Level 1.” “Huh? Level 1?!” “I took about a minute for me to rip its guts out. At max level, it’d take only a moment but since it took more than a minute… it seems like Sera Harvey is at level 1 right now.”

I flick off the blood from my hands as I shrugged at Kiryū.

“You risked yourself just for that…?”

What are you, some kind of berserker?! Kiryū wearily sighed but isn’t this a pretty standard way of killing zombies? It’s still way tamer than ripping out someone’s spine while screaming “Fatality!”

“Oh, and Kiryū, I appreciate how straightforward you are with me. I never enjoyed formalities in real life either, let alone Sera.”

I didn’t think it would be this embarrassing to say it out loud.

“Gotcha. So, should I separate the two and call you by your real name?” “… uhh, hmm… let’s not. I don’t feel like myself looking like this. Honestly, I’m not this cute and petite in person.”

I spread my arms wide open as I answered him and he agreed.

“Me too. I’d likely die in agony if you called me by my real name… I don’t go peacocking around looking this flashy in real life.”

Kiryū said as he checked himself out. That’s quite an excuse for his looks.

“Peacocking, huh? If only you knew what that meant to a Rainbow Dreams fan like me… I’m not a huge fangirl, but Kiryū Sōichirō’s fans would kill you if they heard you say that.” “… yeah, I know. Not only are there a lot of Kiryū’s fangirls, but they also tend to be pretty extreme.” “…” “…” “… hmm?”

As soon as I questioned him, Kiryū averted his eyes and put his hand against his mouth. That only led to more questions.

“Kiryū… you mentioned that you saw Rainbow Dreams High School☆Fantasia at the game show?” “…” “Kiryū?” “…” “… oh, I’m sure I’ve read an interview online where the game devs of—" “Agh, Sera! I forgot I had something very important to say to you! Listen to me.”

Kiryū had a very serious look on his face as he said that. Then with one stride, he closed the physical gap between the two of us and grabbed both sides of my cheeks.

“Umm, you’re getting awfully close to me, Kiryū.” “I can’t believe you went and ripped its guts out! Don’t you ever rush to your death like that again!” “Rush to my death…? I’m a zombie game junkie. I know what I’m doing. And, uhh, more importantly, you’re still too close.” “You know what you’re doing? Do you really? It might look like it, but this is absolutely not a game.”

The look in his eyes showed he was being very serious.

“Trust me when I say I’ve seen what someone dying looks like.” “… I had forgotten about that. That’s right…” “Well, I’m glad you understand. Honestly, I couldn’t help but think you had abandoned your life when I watched what you did earlier. … we’re not in a game. You don’t get to respawn.” “Right…” “We don’t know what happens when we die here, so don’t recklessly throw yourself into the face of danger.” “I understand… that is a very valid point…”

I nodded along as I watched Kiryū lips move as if this was some sort of well-drawn cutscene.

“… umm, Kiryū, I understood what you said. Do you think I could get you to stop peacocking your flashy good looks in my face? You’re standing far too close.” “I thought you said you weren’t a fangirl of this good-looking flashy peacock?”

Kiryū forced a smile as he let go of my cheeks. I subconsciously stared at him.

“… you might have just been the hottest guy in the world or are you self-aware?” “Silly. The 3D model of this avatar is just really high-quality. Deep inside is just some plain old 30-year-old, remember? You wouldn’t even bat an eye if you passed me by on the street. Now, I will apologize for getting too close to you, but don’t dwell on it. We’re back to normal.”

We walked as we talked, and another enemy drew close.

 “… ah. Another one presents itself. Shall we?”

Kiryū swung his crowbar at the zombie at almost the same moment as I said that. It sounded oddly heavy when it collided… does he have some sort of superhuman strength?

“That’s a big swarm of ‘em.” “It sure is. Gets your blood pumping, don’t they? There will be more of them too. One of the game’s selling points was the ‘fun of slaying dynamic enemies that get progressively stronger’… whoa?!”

I instinctively shrieked as Kiryū knocked all the zombies down with his crowbar. Here I thought he was just running away.

“Oh… wow, Kiryū… you sure are strong…” “I exercise.”

He rested the crowbar on his shoulder before returning back to the action. I couldn’t help but stare dumbfounded at him. I thought so too when he grabbed my cheeks, but he’s crazy strong.

 He exercises, huh? I don’t think exercise gets anyone that far, but…

I was still in awe as I shouldered my rifle but Kiryū stopped me before I could assist him.

“Hold on, Sera. What did you mean ‘dynamic enemies that get progressively stronger’? I’ve only fought regular zombies before I met you… and I killed all that I’ve seen. Do they get stronger because of that?” “Huh? Oh, right, you don’t really play… it’s because you haven’t killed them all off yet. In this game, the zombies you kill are all just mooks. Part of the fun of this game lies in slaughtering them.” “… kinda like Grand Theft Auto…” “It’s fun, isn’t it? The zombies get tougher and then the tougher ones start to swarm you too. It actually gets pretty hard because of that. And now that I think about it, if that happens, the safehouse becomes not so safe anymore.” “Wait, wait, wait! Isn’t that really, really bad?! The more we kill now, the harder it’ll get later!” “…” “…” “… oh. Oh!” “You just realized?” “I just realized… I’m sorry. The gamer in me got carried away again…”

Now that I think about it, I kinda screwed the pooch. It had become instinctive for me to play like this. Since the more we kill, the harder they get, we should really stop killing them…

“We have to be careful and pick our battles… but that’s a challenge in itself. If we don’t kill them now, we won’t level up and it’ll be harder later too.” “Talk about a catch-22… I’ll do my best with the crowbar, so hold off on the assault rifle. I need to get some levels too.”

We advance on the zombies as we chatted away. Kiryū focused on the “slightly stronger” zombies and swung away at them. How is he that strong?

“… the crowbar isn’t supposed to be that strong of a weapon.” “Is that right? Maybe I’ve gotten used to it, but it feels good in my hand.” “That’s strange. The crowbar is so heavy though…”

Another swarm of zombies showed up as we finished the previous batch.

“This is bad. There are more of them showing up than I expected.” “… you’ve probably overleveled, huh? It might be rough even with the unlimited ammo rifle if there’s any more of them.”

Kiryū sighed as he bashed the brains out of the top of the zombies’ heads. Then, he turned around and looked at me.

“Sera. With all said and done, we still have to go get your phone and Vital Watch, right? And if we keep killing zombies at this pace, the safehouse wouldn’t be safe enough for us to sit and discuss things… right?” “… that’s right. I’m sorry.”

I apologized as I slumped my shoulders. I told him that he was in safe hands and to leave it all to me but look at our predicament now… how pathetic of me. I couldn’t possibly apologize enough. But Kiryū with a spry Keep your head up, he patted me on the back with one hand while holding his crowbar with the other.

“Where did your easygoing attitude go? I prefer the maniacal smile on your face when you committed genocide on the zombies. And plus, we can still do this together.” “… huh?” “I’d be lost in this world if I were just by myself, but now I’ve got you and your wealth of knowledge… now, how do we get back to the starting area of the game?” “Huh? It might be a little hard, but I think we should be able to do it.” “Then, lead the way. Take us to the Vital Watch and your smartphone so we can recover those two key items.” “What are you trying to accomplish?”

I looked up at him and asked. Kiryū—as if peacocking his flashy good looks in my face—smiled brightly at me.

 “—to break out of the confines of this game.”

■Kiryū

A prudent game developer. He has his reasons to be careful of avoiding leaking any sensitive data, so he only lurks other people’s tweets. His avatar is very well put together, but the real person behind it isn’t too far off. The ladies often approach him. However, for some reason, he seems to be a very late bloomer. Maybe it would be more accurate to say that he has closed his heart off to potential romance relationships. He’s taken a liking to his fancy Makita vacuum cleaner that he bought for no good reason.

contents: /ch001/ /ch002/ /ch003/ /ch004/ /next/

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[measuringlife]

Measuring Me: Goal Setting

For as long as I can remember I’ve been a goal oriented person. However it wasn’t until last year when I was working with my life coach that I got into the habit of writing and reflecting on them. We had weekly and daily goal exercises, I’ve maintained the weekly goal setting and reflection practice. The great thing about writing and record your goals is that you can go back to read them! So here’s a look at my very first weekly goal writing session on July 1, 2018, prompts in bold and my reflection a year later in italics. 

Make a list of 10-15 goals you would like to achieve THIS WEEK. Make them positive, present tense, and specific. Remember these are goals for the week, not months from now. So think of these as the smallest action steps that will drive you FORWARD the quickest. This is about setting yourself up for a win. 1. Log my overtime work hours to prepare to present to my boss at the end of peak season - DID, having comp time in the fall helped me make myself, my goals, Measuring Life a priority 2. Add google analytics to my website - DID 3. Categorize tumblr blog posts - DID 4. Work out at least 4 times - Likely Did, still track workouts 5. Share my blog/instagram with 2 more people I know in real life - DID, still continue to share 6. Check in with my graphic designer friend regarding my new logo/visual brand - DID, launched the logo on NYE 7. Pick up new chromebook - DID, having a computer that isn’t my “work” computer has also helped give me separation 8. Buy and set paper planner and set up a google calendar for my personal life/side hustle - DID, this was a game changer more on that below 9. Buy a bulletin board, note books, office supplies for home office - DID, however only used the home office for a few months since we started using the guest room for AirBNB in October 10. Post 1 video of me on Measuring Life accounts - Did it in August, I post video on occasion, but despite my broadcast journalism degree I prefer writing when it comes to being vulnerable 11. Listen to at least 2 of Dan's podcast episodes - DID, still keeping current on his podcasts and other social media channels for continued inspiration and motivation 12. Rewatch the portion of last week's bonus call where I had my talk time with Dan - DID, watching myself dig and be vulnerable on a video call was odd, but also beautiful. I’ve re-watched a few recording video calls where I’ve gotten emotional and I learned to give myself some grace and understand that change happens when you stop doing the things you’ve always done - in my case being extremely guarded and private 13. Journal at least 3 times this week - Likely Did, I try and write in my paper journal weekly, but such is life sometimes it more often or less often, but there hasn’t been too much of a lapse between writing since I got back to my journaling practice

Which is the one goal that will help all of the others happen? Buy and set paper planner and set up a google calendar for my personal life/side hustle.

For too long I relied on my work outlook calendar to keep all my things, but I really need to separate work from home. As a long time paper journal person, I’ve come to find my paper planner as another type of journal, especially after I made the switch to a passion planner in January 2019. I still can’t get into google calendar, but I use google docs to track all my side hustles (pet sitting, AirBNB, fitness instructor) including dates and income generation to keep everything in order, but also to keep a catalog/record. 

What has to happen for these goals to be done? I need to make the time to get to the stores to pick up/purchase items. I need to make the time to set up a calendar as well as have focused time in my office to do so. 

Making time was the key, which really means making me a priority. I tend to make everything else a priority, work, other people, social media, television, etc. I still have to actively choose my goals and dreams when it comes to my time. My people pleasing/fixer tendencies will always be there, but for me the awareness is key.

Why are these goals so important to you? I want a public medium to share my story of trauma, failures, successes and connect with others with similar stories. I felt so much shame and isolation over the years for just being me and I'm learning how to break through that and I think the sooner people can push through the shame and isolation the better for them and for all. 

This is still true, I came into this my coaching program at a crossroads and a place of self-loathing. I’ve learned to love myself including all my flaws and defects of character (a line from my 12 step program). I still want to share what I’ve overcome, but now I’m more focused on the present and the future. Living in the present isn’t always something I’m very good at, but I’m trying to live less and less in the past. 

What would you gain by achieving these goals? I would be vulnerable, but living authentically and building connections with people - both the people I know, think I know, or have yet to know. 

This has been one of the highlights of the past year, developing deeper relationships with people and meeting new people who I have connected with on a deep level. I’ve also started to let go of the relationships that are no longer serving me.

What risks will you have to take by achieving these goals? Being vulnerable and open to judgment. Reducing my day job hours/stress levels. 

I did these things and no one died! If people are judging me that’s fine, but it hasn’t been something I’ve seen or heard and honestly at this point if I did read or hear something negative I know I’d be okay because I have enough people lifting me up. When it comes to work, the work never ends. It’s about priorities and focus. I know I’ve set more attainable work goals as opposed to pushing myself harder than what is expected which has been a previous pattern. I take my lunch hour, I leave at 5 unless there is a meeting or program that requires me to stay. I’ve taken my sick and vacation days on top of comp time. 

What will get in the way of these goals? Procrastination or trying to do too much too soon and therefore getting overwhelmed. Not managing my time or wasting time.

THIS, this still gets in my way. I am way more aware, but I still love the rush that comes with procrastination or being too ambitious. 

Why haven't you achieved these goals already? What stopped you before? Time - I tend to run full speed ahead doing 10,000 things at once and burning the candle at both ends or I'm laaaaaaaaaaazy and have the motivation to do anything. 

This is tied to the last one, I am still very much an all or nothing kind of person. My planner helps me see this a bit more, so I actually try to schedule in “nothing” time. Ultimately I aim for more balance and alignment in a week, but more likely than not in any given month I have 3 crazy busy weeks and then a really chill low key week. I’ve learned not to feel guilty for “lazy bones” weekends as I’ve called them.  

What will you do differently now? Since last September I began managing my time better: actually taking my 1 hour lunch break to workout/walk/meet someone for lunch, setting a Fitbit alarm at 4:40pm each work day so I could wind down for the day and actually leave the office at 5pm. I packed my gym clothes the night before and changed before leaving work so I could go right from the office to the gym. I really found my stride in doing this from January 2018-mid June 2018. Currently in my intense peak work season, but want to quickly get back on track as soon as mid-July gets here. 

Yes, all of these things I’ve kept up with these good habits and thankfully after my peak summer season last year I was able to get back on track. I’m looking forward to getting back on track after this summer’s peak season. 

Is there anything I can do now to make achieving these goals easier?  The biggest thing in my control is sleeping. I can't function off 5 hours of actual sleep and since I currently need to be up at 5:30am most days I need to make sure I'm in bed by 10pm. I also need to continue to journal/blog to stay accountable. 

Sleep hygiene has been such a priority for me this year. Starting in September I began charging my phone away from my bed. I first started charging it in another room - where I could still hear the alarm, but as I got better about not “needing” the phone next to the bed I now charge it across the bedroom, but still not next to the bed. I also keep it face down so I don’t see the screen light up from the bed. I strive for 8 hours of sleep each night, however, in January I stopped wearing my Fitbit to track my sleep because I found the data to no longer be helpful. I often would wake up feeling refreshed, but if the fitbit data didn’t back it up then I’d mentally feel less refreshed. As mentioned personal accountability also is really important for my goal setting and self-care. Writing my weekly goals and reflecting on them each week, managing my time with a paper planner, weigh-ins/measurements, budgeting and finances, etc all of this has made a huge difference and my momentum is only growing. 

I am thankful to be where I am today and excited to see where I’ll be a year from now!