#i fucking hate myself so soso much

[filipinoizukuu]

.

[wwaddless]

i've recently come to the conclusion that i'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum but not fully ace and it's the first bit of my identity that i haven't felt the need to truly label and it's so?? freeing idk

i love labels, i love being able to fit myself into a little box but sometimes it's so difficult to try and explain why i use this label and such. because people are curious and that's fair because i am too. but idk, there's just something so good about not forcing myself to be in a box. i just am and that's great :)

[arillusionist]

kyn entertainment when the group that they did 0 promotion and advertising for isnt as popular as they deserve to be

[swordsofsaturn]

kind of sick of life just being one long identity crisis

[24kmar]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐘 (A. Donaldson)

Part 2 of Thigh to Thigh

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: Art Donaldson x fem! Reader

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: 18+ MDNI, smut, angst, language, fluff, love confession, happy ending 🩷

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: The aftermath of the argument with tashi.

𝐀𝐂𝐓 𝐈

𝑰 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒚 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒀𝒐𝒖, 𝒀𝒐𝒖

The argument you had with tashi has been replaying in your mind. The same question running in circles in your head. "Me or art?". And to add insult to injury, art heard all of it. Was he asking the same question? Him or tashi?

You had been avoiding both of them. Being succesful uptil now. While finishing an english essay you heard a knock at your door. It couldnt have been your roomate. She was at a lecture right now. Getting up and answering the door to your dorm, you were met with art.

Art-" you gasp being cut of as he pushed his way past you, into your dorm. "We need to talk" he breathes out, sitting on your bed. "About what?" You play dumb, crossing your arms nervously. "You know what" art looks at you.

Look y/n, im not asking you to pick me" he rushes the words out like hes been holding them in for ages. Chewing on your lip, you hug yourself. I just need you to know how much you mean to me," he sighs, tears brimming at his waterline. Which causes tears to brim in yours too. "even if we stay friends or dont." "you mean so so much to me." He cries, tears falling down his face. Standing up, he cups your face "I would destroy myself for you" "Art-" "Listen to me-" Art you should leave"

Silence. Pure fucking silence.

Nodding, he opens the door and speaks up before walking out "i love you". That makes you freeze completely, but not without tears rolling down your face.

Flinching as you hear the door shut, you just stand there. Standing there hugging yourself, while sobbing.

𝐀𝐂𝐓 𝐈𝐈

𝑰 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝑰 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒕𝒐𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏

Its been two days since you last spoke with art. Those two days have been miserable. Downright depressing. You missed him so much. Knowing you hurt such a good person made you hate yourself. Especially hurting someone cause they loved you. Why did you tell him to leave? You didnt want him to leave. You needed him to stay, now more than ever.

You've just been bedrotting, barely eating, missing classes, the whole nine yards. Today, you decided to go to class. Not wanting to mess up your grades. The whole day was draining, dreadful even. Everything reminded you of art. You decided to blow off some steam. Going to play some late night tennis. You were just lazily smacking around the tennis ball.

Thats when you heard footsteps. Turning around, you saw art. With a heavy heart and sweaty palms, you greeted him. "Hi" you said nervously. "Hi" he replied, hands in the pockets of his sweatpants. "Can we talk?" You asked "Sure" he nodded softly "my dorm or yours?"

His dorm was closer, you didnt want the walk to be long. Far too awkward. The walk was silent, but not awkward silent, calm silent. Like nothing had happend at all.

Now at his dorm. You both sat on his bed. "Im so sorry art" you spoke, tears rushing to your waterline, guilty look in your eyes. Tearing up, art spoke "y/n-"

"I never meant to hurt you-"

"Y/n-" "

"I just didnt kmow what to do-"

Pulling you in to a hug, cutting you off, he spoke "Its okay, y/n, really i understand. It was a tough situation" he sighed, rubbing your back. "You mean so much to me art" you huff out into his neck "i love you" you admit nervously, pulling away from him to look at his face. Searching for emotion. Thats when leaned in and kissed you.

𝐀𝐂𝐓 𝐈𝐈𝐈

𝑰𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒅𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒚𝒐𝒖

"I- i love you" art whimpers, cock drilling in and out of you "i love you- soso much."

"Hgh- i love you too. So much" you moan , pulling his hair, legs wraped around his waist as he thrusts into you. Soft yet powerful thrusts, full of love, and adoration.

Art trails a hand down your body to rub your clit. Making your back arch and eyes screw shut, letting out a high pitch moan. It was so much at once, the nips at your neck, the fast yet delicate circles around your clit, the thrusts, the love.

"I need you" he gasps "You have me" you reply, confused.

No, like i need you to-" he cuts himself off with a moan "i need you like you're oxygen" this makes your heart swell and eyes fill with tears. cupping his face, you rest your forhead against his "your mine and im yours, always" you kiss him. And like that you cum together in unison, looking into eachothers eyes, forhead to forhead.

𝐀𝐂𝐓 𝐕𝐈

𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝑰'𝒅 𝒈𝒐 𝒂 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒆𝒔 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖

Chest to chest, face to face. You lay in silence, taking in the moment. When art breaks the silence.

" You know i meant every word, right?"

With the confused furrow of you brows he continues "id destroy myself for you" he pauses to interlock your fingers "im in love with you y/n" he admits.

"Im in love with you too art." You admit smiling "i pick you".

Now its his turn to be confused, "what?" He asks confused.

"If its between you or tashi, i pick you art"

With that, you both smile lovingly at eachother

He was family. He would kill for you.

[imrllytootiredforthis]

cy i have so many ideas its crazy 😭😭

when i was in high school i hated my chemistry classes 💀💀but now when i think about it... yk in some classrooms especially where biology and chemistry classes are held there is a small room attached to them like a storeroom? where they have all the equipment and supplies ? lmao this is already so long but i just needed to describe it, it gets better i promise

so like yesterday i randomly remembered one of my chemistry classes and suddenly i thought abt soob in those glasses like you know, the black ones ..him in a doctor's coat and..the other students are in class totally unaware of what two new teachers are doing in the storeroom😋😋damn just,, making out w him all while having ur knee between his crotch?? ordering him to be quiet or else everyone will find out what a slut their new chem teacher is (he'd secretly love it, we all know the boy is a slut for degradation and humiliation)😔he'd whimper soso much he wants more and he needs more, he's so riled up,, practically drooling but the fact that he can't have u fuck the brains out of him now makes him practically cry and beg to stop,, the pleasure is too much to handle☹️☹️(u could literally swear at him😭😭i bet he'd let out a couple of moans at that😴)

PLS THIS IS SO LONG,,,i couldn't stop myself cause begging soob>> idk whats gotten into me lately but ig i have a tiny thing for exhibitionism?😩😩no but fr its so hot?

p.s. im glaad ur here for the weekend 😭😭i'll patiently wait for ur official comeback ❣️

i saw this right when i woke up...and jesus, i love you so, so much because😵‍💫😵‍💫

are you, by chance talking abt this soob?...

him in a white lab coat😵‍💫😵‍💫

okay, okay

class started 10 minutes ago. the students are confused, checking the time, emailing their two new teachers to the class, some are even straight-up leaving, muttering about a waste of time

most stay, wondering if they just forgot or got stuff in traffic or something else

completely unaware to the fact that in the little storage closet off to the side of the room...

their pretty professor is shoved up against the wall, pinned with his arms beside his head, lip tugged between his teeth, panting and whining as he grinds down on your knee.

god, he's so needy, trying to quietly beg for more, gasping at the feeling of your teeth grazing his neck

"y'know, this isn't very professional professor choi," you start, pulling away, too composed when all he can do is let out the neediest little mewl, trying to reach his high while tears form in his eyes.

"d-don't care!" he tries to pull his hands away, cup himself and get the stimulation you're just barely giving him but your grip is iron strong, smile all too teasing and all too mean. "just m-make me feel good! please, wan', wan' you to fuck me!"

you press your thigh up against him hard. "right when all of our students are just outside, huh? want them to know that their professor is in here getting fucked like a slut?"

the moan he lets out is nothing less than completely ruined and very, very loud, reverberating through the small room in a way that would've been so hot if not where you were

his hand is free suddenly, as you slap a hand over his mouth, his eyes going wide. "shut up, you slut," you hiss,

the tears fall and you can feel drool building up behind your hand, he can't help himself, his head going on overdrive, his free hand gripping the bottom of your leg, fucking himself desperately against it.

"please, please, please," he whimpers, words garbled against your hand. "more, need more!"

[dumplingsfordays]

sparks on a cold night

gepard x drunk!reader

summary - drunk reader (who hates gepard) crashes at gepard's place bc they really have nowhere else to go.

cw!: swearing, enemies to lovers, mentions of alcohol + drunkenness, reader wearing a dress, otherwise fluffy :)

note - aaaa gepard brainrot go brr. also tysm for 80 freakin followers this is insanity <33 ily pookies so much y'all are so sweet!! thank you all again soso much for the support and hopefully you enjoy the content <3

and as always, thank you for reading :))

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

He just finished signing some paperwork at his desk in his room upstairs when he heard the knocks.

The first was a rather quiet and weak knock, so Gepard didn't hear it, but fortunately the second one was much louder. He then checked his watch. 11:37 PM wasn't really a time when people usually knock on others' doors, so whoever was at the door must've had some important business with him. He hurriedly adjusted his robe around him and walked over to the enterance to his house, looking through the peephole when he stopped in front of it.

This must've been some sort of mistake, he thought, recognizing your face staring right back at him.

But nevertheless he decided to open the door - you looked a little flushed and cold and Gepard couldn't bear to leave a poor soul like yourself shivering in the cold all alone, especially if you needed urgent help, but if you were going to treat him the same way that you did when you delivered paperwork to his office, he was going to shut to door right then and there.

Opening the door, he saw a lazy smile blossom across your face at the sight of his taller figure.

"Heyy -hic- Geppie," you slurred, hiccuping as you spoke. "I know that I -hic- totally hate you and everythin' but I kinda need a bit a help."

Were you drunk?

"You see, I kinda fucked up. I thiiiink that I -hic- had a little teensy tiny bit too much to drink and I locked myself out of -hic- my house."

"And you don't have any spare keys or anything?" asked Gepard, leaning on the doorframe.

"No spare keys s'or anythin'."

As much as Gepard wanted to slam the door in your face for the nasty rumors about him that you whispered in your friends' ears and the hateful, cold stares that you gave him from time to time for absolutely no reason, he couldn't bring himself to do it. You looked, well, almost pathetic. Slightly disheveled hair framed your face like a (slightly neater) bird's nest and your lip gloss was a little smeared on the edges. The chilly night breeze caused a shiver of goosebumps to crawl across your skin and your cheeks to redden even further. You sensed warmth and comfort emanating from Gepard's frame, and subconsciously leaned forward, closer to the pleasant air about him.

You tugged the hem of the black dress that you wore down and crossed your arms, waiting for a reply from the blond man, which he gave in the form of a sigh.

"Alright. But only for one night. And you owe me."

You nodded gratefully, eyes widening and lips stretching into a thankful smile. "Mkay, thanks so much. You're vvvery sweet, y'know?"

Gepard leaned back to let you in, and you daintily stepped inside. The warmth of his figure was also present in his house, which isn't too large but also not too cramped. It's a little dim, because most of the light around this time of night here is produced by candles, but you don't mind - in fact, you really liked it. It was a nice break from the sharp neon lights of the bar and later the uncomfortable haze of the streetlamps. He, like a true gentleman, closed the large oaken door after you and beckoned you to take off your coat, which you gave up with a grateful nod and half-lidded, delirious eyes. Your cheeks glowed a soft pink.

While removing the coat from your shoulders, leaving you in that skimpy black dress that was basically 40% skin, the blond clearly noticed the scent of alcohol emanating from your neck and lips, and it finally settled in his brain that you were only acting this friendly because you were drunk. His earlier suspicion was correct.

He hung up your coat in a closet while you made your way to the fireplace in an adjacent room, the one that just so happened to be Gepard's favorite. Paintings sparingly covered the walls, bookshelves below them contained a gigantic variety of books, and the best part of it all in his opinion was the lit fireplace and the couch in front of it, on which you so happened to snuggle up into a ball.

"Do you want a blanket?" he asked. "You must be rather cold after being outside."

After a couple of seconds you answered, turning your head to meet his gaze.

"Yes -hic- please."

With a small sigh, he grabbed the heaviest quilt that he could find from the closet beside the door and walked back to you. He draped it over your shivering frame and sat down beside you, deciding to abandon his paperwork for now. He could deal with it later anyways.

You were too busy staring at the flickering flames licking against the logs in the fireplace to notice him, but when you felt the couch shift downwards at his weight, you didn't mind - in fact, it was much warmer (thus better) when he was beside you. Gepard, on the other hand, had many more thoughts than you did right now. He was specifically thinking about why you came to him instead of one of your friends' places, and why you were acting so nice to him all of a sudden, so he decided to just ask.

You replied in a low, hushed tone. "Feel like you're more... y'know, reliable."

"Thank you, but wouldn't your friends be? You hate me, after all."

"Hate? When did I -hic- say hate?"

"Well, judging by the fact that you spread rumors about me and glare at me when you bring me paperwork, I'd say you do."

At this you laughed airily, like the tinkle of wind chimes in the breeze. "Noooo, I don't hate you. I'm just a little jealous. Because you're so braaave n strong n responsible. How -hic- could anyone not be jealous?"

You didn't see, of course, but the blond man blushed a little at how you blabbered on about how courageous he was. Never, in all his years working with you, did he ever expect you to confess this.

"I still think you owe me an apology, though," he mentioned, gazing at the fire with you. "For all the dirty looks and everything."

An amused flicker in your eyes told Gepard everything he needed to know. Lips quirking up into a grin, you leaned over and planted a gentle kiss on the apple of his ruddy cheek and then curled up into your previous position on the couch as if nothing happened.

And this time he really, unequivocally, full-on flushed with a previously alien to him mixture of embarrassment, shyness, and self-consciousness.

"What- what was that?" he managed to stammer out.

"My apology," you winked back with that same gorgeous grin. "You -hic- accept it though, right?"

Oh no. No, he couldn't look at you any longer after what you'd done, because then his brain would probably short-circuit and he'd embarrass himself even further by accidentally blurting out how pretty you looked in the amber light of the fire, hair messy, eyes lidded, lips reddened-

No. Any direction but that.

He coughed and cleared his throat.

"Fine," he choked out. After a moment's silence you spoke up.

"Geppie," you started, using his nickname absentmindedly, "what do you think -hic- about me?"

It was probably best to say as little as possible, but Gepard decided against it. If you were this drunk, you probably wouldn't remember anything from this night tomorrow. "I, um... I think that you're, uh, a hard worker. And you're nice to everyone." He almost added 'except for me' but changed his mind. "You're also, um, smart. And funny sometimes. And helpful. So I guess that I think you're a good person overall."

"Aww, -hic- thank you." Your lips turned up into a smile.

Fire is an interesting thing. While it can burn (and probably did the cavemen that first discovered it), it can also evoke a feeling of comfort and perhaps even safety, provided that you're sitting in a large mansion, on a couch, in front of a magnificent white-brick fireplace with a man who, unbeknownst to you, is sort-of starting to warm up to you despite his earlier grudges. It's funny how something as dangerous and potentially lethal as fire can do that.

The same applied to you - you were also realizing that being jealous of someone doesn't automatically give the person permission to insult or gossip about them. Should you admit your mistakes to Gepard out-loud and swear to change like the villain at the end of a kids' storybook? Definitely not. But should you apologize, for real this time, just to make this situation less awkward? Yes.

"Gepard, look. I'm -hic- ssorry that I kinda treated you badly since I started working. Is there anythin' that I can to do make up for it?"

You hear him sigh beside you.

"No, nothing major. But there is one thing."

It was now or never, Gepard thought. Either you're going to hate me or you won't care at all tomorrow morning.

Leaning over to your side of the couch, he reached out a hand to cup your cheek and glided his thumb over the smooth skin. You inhaled sharply but then relaxed - he used this moment to gather himself, and finally, after a brief moment of internal panicking, he kissed you.

He kissed you.

He kissed you, a now much-more-sober-but-still-pretty-drunk-person-who-he'd-hated-up-until-now who looked infinitely prettier with their face illuminated with a soft golden glow emanating from the fireplace and with their lips on his. He felt you jump a little when he finally did it but you settled down again after (and perhaps even leaned in a little). And when you parted, both out of breath and eyes locked on each others', he moved his hands to cradle yours.

"I-I don't know what came over me, I'm sorry, I-"

"No." You tilted your head to the side slightly. "Don't apologize. That was nice."

You were going to be the death of him. Gepard flushed even harder at your statement if that was possible. You? Saying that was nice? He must be in heaven.

"So, um, does that mean that we're, uh..." he trailed off, too embarrassed to say 'dating'.

"Enemies?" you ask. No.

"No, no, um... dating."

"What?"

"Dating."

"Dating?"

"Please don't make me repeat it..."

"I won't! It's just funny seeing you embarrassed."

"Oh, y/n, you-"

"Just kidding! But I think so, yes. Unless you're aiming for, y'know, something different." You jokingly winked at him. "I know you aren't, I'm also kidding on that last part."

Gepard fully turned away from you now, hiding his red-as-a-tomato face in his hands. You, however, had already stopped teasing and slowly pulled his hand-covered face back to you.

"Geppieee," you cooed, "Come on. I'm just joking."

"I'll only forgive you if you accept to be my partner."

"Who said I won't?"

His fingers moved to reveal one eye like a ray of sunshine peering through the clouds.

"So you would?"

"Of course!"

"You really would?" He put his hands back down to grasp yours in a warm embrace and leaned in again, eyes shining a little with relief.

"Yeah, I just said so!"

"Oh, that makes me so unimaginably happy..."

"..."

"..."

"Wait, isn't it weird how we hated each other like twenty minutes ago?"

"Oh. Yeah, that's kinda weird, now that you put it like that."

"Hm."

"Hm indeed."

[andiv3r]

So I always have a hard time figuring out whether or not to wear jackets/hoodies, and not just for the normal trans reasons, but also because I have the fun¹ combination of keratosis pilaris + dermatillomania, which means my arms permanently look like they have been ripped to shreds... and like yeah, long sleeves will keep me from fucking them up, but then I just pick at my face instead, which is arguably worse (soo much harder to get my face looking okay after I fuck it up on a really stress-heavy day, it can take months for all the scabs to go away) so like. Do I wear long sleeves and keep myself from fucking up my arms (but risk messing up my face instead) or do I wear short sleeves which is soSO much better in terms of sensory problems but leaves my arms open to harm?

¹This was sarcasm, btw. It is not fun. I fucking hate it with every fiber of my being.

Also if u wanna know more about keratosis pilaris or dermatillomania feel free to ask, I would love to explain either (and why having both at the same time feels like some kinda cruel fucked up joke from the universe).

[idcpxseur]

i want more laurance thoughts pretty please

OKAY BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT

My thoughts on Laurence Zvhal

soft warning for aaron slander. im not really slandering him im just sharing my conspiracy theories. ALSO THIS BITCH IS LONGGGG AND THERES SO MUCH RAMBLIGN GOD HELP

god i love him so bad... thats the main thing i wanna get cleared up right the fuck away. i love him SOSO bad and i think jesson uses him completely inappropiately and im stealing him. okay? hes my oc now.

this is also a warning, i havent refreshed completely with my mcd knowledge and mystreet is more fresh in my mind so if i say something wrong about a plot point be nice to me im doing my best im a little guy with a dissociative disorder so i forget shit

aaalllrighty where the hell do i begin?

okay so first off, right off the bat: when he got back from the nether in mcd, he should've been blind. because

disability representation. blindness isnt something that can just be cured unless you get touched by jesus christ himself (im not religious but i think thats in the bible lol) and it something that impacts millions of people on the daily. exposing that to young kids can introduce them to the fact that not everybody is just like them and that people come in many different shapes and sizes. and it ofc helps anyone who happens to be blind have a chracter to relate to and project on.

do YOU KNOW HOW COOL IT WOULD BE FOR A BLIND KNIGHT? like fighting is a very visual skill for the most part you need to see your opponents sword to properly dodge it or you are good and truly fucked. so taking something integral to fighting and ripping it away gives another great chance for character development as well as some really sick ass scenes where laurence goes all toph and uses his senses that are now firing at all cylinders and kicks total ass

ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST!! like. laurence is a very visual guy, right? he sees pretty ladies to flirt with, he's a knight, he cares about his looks. so now he has all of that pretty much ripped away from him in an instant. what the fuck is he supposed to do? he flounders. hes a shell of his former self, in a way. like hes still there, hes still alive, but is he even laurence anymore? its something he has to learn to embrace and come to terms with. the main cast could also be super encouraging for him and basically is like "hey dude youre still the same fuckin awesome guy and you can still do all these fucking awesome things you just gotta learn how to do it again"

itd make for some cool relationship building between him and garroth or him and zoey or him and aphmau or even like him and cadenza. it gives him external relationships outside of just aphmau's love interest

JESUS FUCK I YAPPED A LOT ABOUT LAURENCE BEING BLIND OKAY

i think giving laurence (in both mcd and mystreet) jealousy/possessiveness issues is lame and a total turn off. like its such a gross thing to tell to kids, no? like "hey kids if you love someone they are ENTITLED to love you back and they CANT be in love with someone else"

obviously this behavior is still shut down but still... like why include it? especially because, prior to him falling in love, he seemed to be just a completely chill dude who only gets angry if he needs to. but suddenly hes mass slaughtering people at weddings (mcd), stalking his love interest because he saw her talking with another guy (mystreet), giving aphmau the cold shoulder because she is either indecisive or loses interest in him (this goes in both series i believe)

like it just gives you such an ick and obviously i know why they did this. i will say this until the day they put me in the damn ground its because of motherfucking aaron becoming a love interest. i have zero issues with aaron as a character and i even like him as a character (i have redeemed myself. i used to hate him) but as a love interest i think hes the worst thing to happen to every series because he just simply destroys any male character who had the potential to be shipped with aphmau which was all of them

were moving to mystreet here because mystreet is the best and most glaring example of this because mystreet was after they had decided to make aarmau canon in mcd and you can tell because of the way they set up laurence and garroth.

lemme explain and yes i know this is deviating from strictly laurence a tad but stay with me

im not going to use pdh because pdh was written after mystreet based off of the fact that for some reason travis doesnt know aphmau???? despite them being best friends in pdh??? WHATEVER WHWATEVER NOT THE POINT OKAY. were also going to completely disregard the undercurrent of grooming for aarmau and were going to pretend like this relationship is normal and not at all weird. okay? okay.

so from the moment you first meet laurence and garroth, you can tell their vibes are off. theyre openly hostile with each other (even if its playful theyre still "competeing" for her), theyre trying to shove each other out of the way. it makes them seem unlikeable. every time theyre on screen theyre talking to her or about her (often times planning on stalking her or getting irrationally jealous because they heard something through the grapevine) and it just turns the viewer off. if youre a first time viewer without any preconcieved notions of these character you're thinking "wow thats creepy. why would she stay friends with them? why would she bother sticking around her if all they want is a relationship out of her and not a genuine friendship?" and if you happened to watch mcd first youre thinking "wow is this how theyre really like? wow i dont like them at all anymore" and then you go to mcd and see their worst traits being ramped up and amplified to make them even more unlikable

and then you see aaron

in mcd hes a silent protector. hes always by aphmau's side. hes her one true loyal knight even when she does something he doesnt like. they understand eachother in ways that laurence and garroth just dont

in mystreet hes her guard dog. hes always there to step in when shes uncomfortable. hes her secret best friend her home away from home. he makes her feel loved in such a way that laurence garroth never could since theyve only ever cared about her superficially and not in any way that really, truly mattered

it makes the audience cling to him. it makes them think "well fuck why did the other guys even try hes obviously perfect for her" it blinds them of any other potential option because jesson just didnt give any other opportunity to shine through.

and thats fine. thats completely fine they can do whatever the hell they want to with their series because as one creative to another sometimes you just gotta make your bed and lie in it knowing that not every bitch out there is going to like every creative decision you make.

as a viewer it just.... it just makes you feel dissatisfied. leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, especially given the fact that in mcd you were basically told "these are your two options for love interests" and then a third love interest swoops in seemingly out of nowhere, gets her pregnant, and then he fucking dies.

in mystreet it just like... ugh. i dont know. i guess i feel happy for them because i can see their development. but like me personally i cant really feel shit for ms aarmau simply because of pdh and the FUCKING WEIRDNESS OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP

sorry this, once again, turned into a rant about how aaron's introduction as a love interest fucking ruined everything (my words, not anyone elses)

to sum up this long, long, long post my thoughts on laurence are as follows: i think hes written very poorly in mystreet and severely mishandled in mcd. i think that he had the potential to be very interesting in both series if used properly and he couldve had more intersting things happen to him in terms of the love interest department.

i think hes a character that gets the a lot of the character assassination tirade that jesson went on and i wish we got to see more of him but unfortunately we never will since you know his va left.

but most importantly:

hes my pookie wookie booboo bear and i love him so bad and im going to shake him and bite him and rip him to shred

well... i hope you got what you wanted. i have emptied all of my thoughts about laurence

[kusundei]

chat somethitb baf is happening.

no bcuz i had tbaf feeling this mornjng a little. i assumed it was me recovering from what i had said last night and grieving slightly but as the hours pass im slowly getting mire and more scared. i feel. sick.

i just i pdnt know god forbid the shower isnt helping. i think its the hot water its makinf it hard ti breathe but i know i wont have a panic attack no more how hard id wish it jnto existance. god how i wish i cohld have them still but im doomed to recovery even if it makes me more ill. im shaking and the water is boiling but i fesl cold. my throat is closing in on itself and j cant breathjkiuhwe? and i just feel so. so. torn? confused? doomed?

i. just. theres so much going in i think and god let it be the homework looming over me or the threat of the job or just home or eli and kira or god ajax. let jt be any but not all at once i am sick

i just i feel os. so. so. so. ? i cnatn even explain it i feel too mich right now and i cant pinpoint what im feelifn exaclty im jsut i cant

the most horrible bit abo this is that eight now like ysual im thinking about her. shes pipped into my mi today and she wont leave me alone and its been looming ovee me more than usual i just i dont know ehat is happening i feel strange nad insecure and i want to have a panica ttaxk so fuckinf abd but i cant because i hate when it just sticks okto me i feel sick

i genuinely cant im jjst so. fucking. i dokt knowni just i keep thinking about everything for no reason and its freakinf menkht and god forbif i just i .? i??, i want ajax so bad right njow?,? do nkt miscontrue my words i hhst i want to tely on someone and i want to let myself be vulnerable and i want to cry and i want someone to hug me and tlel me everyhtjng will be okay and that im nkt a burden and i can take up space and i can feel my own feeling snad j dont have to leep bearing others and keep doing thigs flr lther people and i want somekne to tell me im not selfish and im not a horrible person and god what the fuc is happenjnf tl me

i jsht god i cannt. the teason jd is looming so badly over me and gkf forbid i thjnk about bella too right now bht j jsut i cant? im taunting by mysrlf. consemning myself. i can commhnicate i am good at thag i can help myself but i juet i dont know what im doinfg. i feel strange and matbe thats what it is from yesterday because i said that and i regret it because i teel like ive just dumped all my feelings out for no reason i let mtself be vulnerable becahse i wasnt thiking straight and now im scared. im scared in the same wag hes scared i dont like change. i dont like jt and im thinking abkut it now and in scared? and jdotn know why??? i want change with you but im also horrified i wont be enlufh and i cant help. god forbid jd mindset rekindles inside of me but i jjst im so scared to be vulnerable. ii want to rely on someone j want to bevulnerabme i want to tell you im not feeljng good right now and i want you to know eberythint about me and i want you to understand but . but. but. theres so much stopping me. you are not mine but i am yours heh webweaving but i jhst i cant chat? ,? i an not your issue. you have your own issues you vocalized them with me and i just feel so. broken.? i dont confess that i feel the same way becahse i will not soeak into the truth that i am also doomed that i am broken and i am lying and i am a horrible person truly at heart and i wanted to help yu and put you first becaushe you mean soso much to me but i am not the good version of you i am the version of yoy that is lying to make themself feel better and victimize themself and hurt. hurt peiple hurt people. i an fuckijng ill andi an talking aboth so many things rifht now i jsut god jd i cant i mjss her but i dont i miss the wway felt with her thag i felt like i could be comfortable and talk to her and be broken but i cant do that with you because im not lile that. i an not rhat gersion of me anymore and god i just icantn fucking im ill and theres sp much . i am thinking ablht all the time god forbid your ex and the others and i am ill and sickened and selfish and horrible. and i didnt eben respond to eli and im horriblr and i keep trying to distract myself but tis nlt working and GOD you keep texting me and i jsht want to talk to you and cry i want to crt so bad i want to tell you that i need you but why do i need you why am i so attached to oyou am i already codependent from this many months? am i broken? am i still sick? i have healed in the least jmpprtant points i jjst i im sp. I cant. injsjt i need to calm down and think i feel so horrible ans so selfish i want someone to hell me but i want to be doomed but i want spmelone and i want thag to be you but im selfis h and im sorry

[themichaelvan]

tagged by @changingcore / 15 questions for 15 mutuals (oh fuck do i even have that many)

are you named after anyone? - birth name, nope. does it count if i got my chosen name from a fictional character??

when was the last time you cried? - this morning!! nothing 2 be concerned about i got woken up by the fire alarm (also nothing to be concerned about it just needs the battery replaced) and was so tired & upset i started crying, which happens. more often than i would like. hm. maybe i named myself after the wrong afton kid

do you have kids? - nope!! i do like interacting with them though but only like 3 max at a time JFJRJFNG

do you use sarcasm a lot? - irl yes, online only sparingly. & i make it very exaggerated not usually deadpanned or anything so people can Tell (which of course nobody needs except for Me but i digress)

what sports do you play/have played? - did soccer when i was a little kid (Hated It), was on a swim team for a while, and did marching band for the longest (which is my favorite and yes it counts as a sport and you cannot say it doesn't until you've been in marching band. cunt)

what's the first thing you notice about other people? - typically clothes and then hair! i have a relatively mild (but still pretty bad compared to ppl without it) case of face-blindness, and i CANNOT tell people apart by their faces at all unless they have smth like a bunch of facial piercings or a scar or smth Noticable so i tend to look at other things first.

eye colour? - ??? hazel-brown ??? no idea tbh but at least partially brown

scary movies or happy endings? - HAPPY ENDINGS. i am soso scared of scary movies i will gladly watch the little prince for the 60th time. Alternate Universe - Everybody Lives / Nobody Dies is one of my favorite tags on ao3.

any special talents? - ? What does this mean. i guess proofreading/editing?? i have always LOVED doing it and i just. naturally keep track of all the Language Rules and enjoy using them. the autism kicking in i suppose. and yes it does count as a special talent actually you would not BELIEVE how many candies i got in 5th grade from ppl bribing me to read over their essays.

where were you born? - arizona/usa. same town as my mom actually (despite her moving like 7 times in between her birth and mine)

what are your hobbies? - listen to music and pace around my room until i pass out. and painting, writing, drawing, various other arts n crafts, guitar, percussion when i have the chance (rn i only have a practice pad :|), and mobile games of heavily varying quality.

do you have any pets? - not atm but i used to have two cats (both still alive just in different household) that i still consider my little kitties :] i have 150+ pictures of them on my phone if you ever need cats i Got you

how tall are you? - 5'11" now!!! was hovering around 5'7"-8" for the longest time but i recently had a growth spurt and now im only the SECOND shortest in my family (out of six)

favourite subject in school? - by the material probably math! it is sometimes difficult for me to get a concept but once i do it's Easy. i also do have an advantage (parent has math degree and is good at explaining) but i try and make up for it by helping everyone else as much as i can jfjdndjf. by the Class def band/music class if that counts. both of my music teachers have been both very scary yet very nice to me and i loved their classes so so much and i extremely enjoy playing instruments with other people (when they behave)

dream job? - sorting pokemon cards in a comfortable chair as a day job with a 4 day workweek, being a freelance renowned fiction editor on my own time, with occasional music-related gigs (tutoring, repairing stuff, playing in concerts, etc). i give you no shit if i could do that for the rest of my life and get paid well enough to live on my own or with roommates i like, have a cat, and have enough time and energy to homecook a meal 3-4 nights a week i would be so happy. that's all i want in life. "oh you would get bored doing the same thing day in day out" no i wouldn't "how" autism.

tags: @irradiatedblood @schmope-is-dead @sapphireclaw @bmo-2143 @pokette @soldiertransgender @astral--horrorshow @catnerdenby @unrestrainedbalderdash @buggiboo @lunar-anomaly @altruisticmystik @syntacticerrortxt @catlokis-blog @rosesareredjaybirdsareblue . okay. okay i think that's 15. im pretty sure. jegus.

[fictofaggot]

i want to see you make a gender ( /maybe sexuality's ) post about the homestucks' sprites like that cool deathbycatgirl did. do it do it do it

i actually made a list for myself right after i saw @deathbycatgirl's original post (haii!) but o didnr make it an image because im soso tireds here you go^_^:

john is a trans girl but wont figure it out until shes like 40 despite being surrounded by transsexuals all the time. also extremely aroacespec to me

rose is cis but like in a really really butch boy way so like cis but not cis she's a trans girl but still a cis girl but literally not cis at all tbh she's like cistrans. also lesboy

jade is a trans girl who can never feel attached to any prns so she just goes with she/it/paw. shes very genderful but even more gender fuckery ensues after grimbark. aroacespec aplatonicspec fuck you

dave is cisgender. trans girl dave has a special place in my heart though. ace

dirk

roxy is a trans catgirl + lovess neoprns + dyke as fuck

jake is 100% aroace and i don't care enough about him to think about his gender sorry

jane my wonderful gal mwaaah mwah mwah she's got that trans girl swagalicious swag i hate cis jane sorry not sorry. mspec lesbian realness

karkat is . . . karkat is certainly something? he's an utter mystery to me i won't lie he's like if emo was a cisgender

aradia is beyond my comprehension in terms of gender. unfortunate type gal. transhet + straightbian + dykefag

tavros TRANS GIRL FUCK YOUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!EXPLOSION SOUND EFFECTS AND KILLING also i definitely think she wants to use neos but is so so afraids

sollux is transfem bigender. but like infinin because he's every boy gender but also every girl gender so hes infinite genders but not like every gender. ljterally just the definition of infinin. bisexual het lesbo fag KABLOOM

nepeta is a crazy transfem cat girl thing fucking beast fucking ravenous animal of a gal. not an ounce of boyness in her except when its funny and/or convenient. uses it/its and every neopronoun paw can get mews claws on and like she/her for a bit of girly fun on the side but not Primarily she/her? he/him too when it's funny. ummm. unlabeled for sexuality only cause i think it'd change so often that labeling would be entirely impossible

kanaya is my wonderful romantic goth vampire trans girl (but like only in terms of gender not actually presentation wise do you understand. her normal outfits are just Too). i think she'd use like 1 set of neos vamp/vamps maybe? and she's a pan lesbian because fuck every thang

terezi is a freak of a girl. every girlfreak girlbeast type gender in existence she can be infinin too for funsies. ummm any prns + a futch dyke who loves boys also

vriska is the most trans girl in the whole entire world. i hate transmasc vriska. also shes too busy being kind of miserable to think about he4 gender but i think if she really sat down and considered she'd be not as binary as she thinks. bi lesbo.

equius trans girl SHUR HTE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!DIE DIE DIE KILLING YOU WITH MY FISTS.shes femme too because i said so. girlfag also. aroacespec as fuck. aplatonic

gamzee non binery any pronounse ok? ok. unlabeled because specifics are too much but mspec queer for sures. aro

eridan trans girl with a bit of nonbinary freakism thrown in for spice and silliness. like vriska in the sense that she thinks she's more binary than she actually is but eridan would figure it out sooner. also a girlfag but likw a boydyke too ok. aroacespec

i understand feferi in a way no one else can anr the only wau i can describe it is genderqueer cis girl but its so much more than that. i could write an essay on it. i think she'd be unlabeled or like heteroflex but im not sure in which direction the hetero occurs

kankri is cis but his fminine and twinkish demeanor confuses the masses constantly much to his chagrin and rage. also he's mistaken for being trans constantly because of his vast knowledge on every discourse ever. canonically aroacespec

damara TRANS GIRL FUCK YOI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK OFF FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also ummm lesbo or bi or both i think but like in a loveless aroace caused by trauma way

rufioh is cis but also girlish to me i really don't know what to tells you . aroace. also no Pronouns this is the one thing im sure of with any of the dancestors

mituna is entirely unlabeled i couldn't explain it to you if i tried

meulin is an aroacespec trans gay man but in a distinctly and extremely girlfag type of way. . . do u understand . . . do you get me . . .

porrim is so transsexual and such an aroacespec bi dyke i wish j could elaborate on the dancestors more but they're So

latula is a trans girl but like in a way that is so latula core. do you get it. yeah

aranea is really interesting to me in the way that she's cis but also definitely a trans girl but also i don't care at all and it's a mystery to me. she's just so beforus

horuss TRANS TRANS GIRL GO CRAZY GO RAGGGAGHHAHHHHH GAHHHHHHHHHHHsysfluid and horsegender and aroace aplatonic fag with 5000000 neopronouns that no one ever uses including her

i honestly do not care about kurloz at all ummm. bigender boygirl girlboy in a type of way

meenah sucks and i don't like her. ummm cis

also for some other guys i like:

midnight crew and felt are mostly unlabeled and/or cis by nature of their societu and also they just don't feel particularly gender special to me

die is really special to me tho he's my malewife girlhusband but like you wouldnt get it hes only gender in very very specific situations

the exiles are ALL nonbinary fuck you

all the sprites are bigender (i don't care about davepeta at all sorry) (arquius and fefeta are like if bigender was two of the same gender so like gender²)

hal is nothing. like out of sillyness they just refuse

cherubs are both trans in opposite directions but i won't clarify who's which way or why. they're both homo in opposite directions also

[grcetxt]

what do you like about your friends?

Fshsgsusg EVERYTGING okay I'm gonna try and do something for everyone even the ppl that aren't on tumblr. Again one thing for each person because I could go on for DAYS. MONTHS. YEARS. about every single one of them!!!

Irl friends who won't see this but deserve to be talked about:

Josh- my oldest friend, known him nearly SEVEN/EIGHT YEARSS, met at drama classes! My favourite thing about him is his passion! He's so so driven and focused and always makes sure we do our best while being funny as hell!

Emi- my oldest ONLINE friend! Had our 3 year emiversary recently :33! When I say she is quite possibly the most considerate person I've ever met. She's always so mindful of everything and like AGRESSIVLY so. Inspired me to do the same :3. Like she always takes care of me and I'm just :( /vpos

Online friends!:

Egie: The most thoughtful person I've ever met! Always double and TRIPLE checks boundaries and things. Always keeps other's feelings in mind, always remembers the small stuff

Jase: Quite possibly THE kindest person in all of existence. Too too good for this world I swear. Always does what's best for others (shoudl VERY MUCH put himself first more often) and makes everyone happy just by existing cuz he's the best

Linc: Funny. As. Fuck. Never have I ever cackled so much. I can't even begin to TRY and explain- this the same guy who sent hozier mpreg I'm. I love his stupid ass /aff

Sadie: TOO sweet for this world. Overwhelmingly positive, always sees the best in every situation and can help me think myself out of a spiral without even knowing it

Tommy: just really genuinely fun to talk to!! I always enjoy our convos and it's just like hegyrgrhe idek how to describe it they're just a genuinely fun person!

Lars: GFRFEHRGRH!!!!! Fucking. Funny as hell. Kind. Sweet. Considerate. Takes care of me. Quite possibly the??? Best person ever??? You guys don't even know. Never ever have I smiled so much talking to one person she brightens up my day soso much

IF I MISSED YOU I DONT HATE YOU I PROMISE THIS WAS JUSY LIEK MY MOST RECENT TALKED TO PEOPLE GFEGRFWHECYEGEGSV

[twildflower]

watching build fighters oh my fucking god i love my boys so much

fucnin yapping again guys i think i might have adhd

why the hell do i keep saying guys. i nedd hep i need to be killed

i miss them so much theyre so silly i am sooooooo ajhdgfshfga this is so much nostalgia im aghgfhgsgkjfhakfhajkhdsjh and just episode one too i cant think how hype id get watching finale itll be so fucking awesome I LOVEEEE BUILD FIGHTER my fav gundam show.... mercury is second i guess i only watched mercury and i think its iron blood or whatever its called in eng im not even sure if its gundam lol but anyway i love sei and reiji theyre actually sooo damn <3333 i think they were the first two guys i ship together bc theyre actually so gay even tho reiji has a gf or whatever its like one of the first pieces of media i consumed and didnt just like whichever main ship the plot has... yea iirc. i think theres mainly only jp twinkle n shugo chara before build fighters but then i went back to main ship in pokemon xy and macross delta lmao... shits awesome tho i think im cool and like whatever i like i love sei so much hes so adorable and reiji is so cool and theyre blue and red theyre so made for each other like ahhghdgfsjgfhsgfisgfjgfjdghsuifguiwdg i think i mightve gave myself way too much adraline its fuckin 430 am and i wanted to cut my hair a bit tmr agh damn. i guess i could stay up the night and binge....hehe....... was watching horizons too i love horizons a lot i really dont mind ash not being protag anymore but the fact that they ended with him looking like a fuckin ugly ass idiot that looks even worse than gen 1 ash tho..... i have beef with only that fact bc like fuck you man i hate whoever the fuck made that artstyle after xyz with a passion i think tney deserve to go to hell. the fact that its a downgrade from gen1 is crazy. i dont hate that artsyle but i hate the way ash is drawn in that artysle like most other people look okay but the past travel companions and ash look fucking shit and i think theyre doing it on purpose and i fucking HATE THEM

ermm back to gunpla hehe its 6 am im so tired im gonna sleep em anyway i love them soso much damn id so build a gunpla of their moedel in the episdoe.... yknow my dad used to record the edpisodes when they played on tv and idk was it a bug or there wasnt enough space anymore so he deleted all the episodes excepgt the las one or maybe seocnd last im not sure but anyway we kept rewatching it every now and then and go feral over how awesone it was it was the best endin episode i wached when i was a kid like shugo chara i didnt watch or they didnt play till like season 2/3 i think the wedding dress end and all that shit was crazy but the only other thing i watched was jewelpet and it was like not as crazy as this one i like it alot but build fighters was a lot more visually and emotionallly stunning lollll

i think if i had to choose a best ending for all the stuff i watched itd still be xyz tbh that shit was stunning and so. urgh. my heart. i get. so much agsjhahlf. its just so good. peaked tbh. then itd probably be build fighters tbh like idk man. delta was like. cool. very cool. but like. idk. build fighters either is more nostalgic or whatever it just appeals to me more than macross. it would be third tho. i think it is. then itd be shugo and then twinkle. these are like. the main stuff i have really core memorty w lmao. yeh i uess this is it. gn im so eepy

last edit lol i didnt remember the uhhh handsome guy being just a guy that also liked gunpla a lot at the start lmaooo i just remember him being a bad guy turned good at the end w everyone to help destory the crystal........aghhhh i loveeeeee build fighters sm.....

oh yeah i guess i did watch brs too. black rock would like. hm. be at the bottom tho bc..idk. i dont have too fond memory and i like my stuff better i have my prioritys lmaooo.. hm. yeah now i really dont rmb anything i just remembered brs bc the blacckkk rockkkk shooooterrrrr is just ringing in my head its such a good song owo

[spicycowboyhole]

taking a shower tomorrow

i didnt get much for christmas this year tbh

im kinda jealouse cuz my siblings got really expensive shit and i got like pretty much just stocking stuffers lol. i guess if i really want something i need to get it myself huh

anyway,, he texts me constantly but also calls me everyday. hes so nice to me it makes me cry. H is nice to me too. when i think about how nice these internet strangers are to me it makes me sad because i feel like im not allowed to be myself and im not accepted at home. im so afraid to be myself here and i dont feel like i fit in but when i talk to the little people in my phone?? they make me feel things? like im not crazy or weird OH MY GOD istg i cry almost everytime i talk to him cuz hes soso nice to me

idk what it is or what i wanna say exactly i kinda just wanna figure out how to word this so ik how to tell my couonselor.

what happened recently was i went to walmart with my dad and like i didnt take a shower or anything cuz we were just going to applebees and walmart and i dont even like applebees so who cares if my hair is fucked up right but when we went to walmart my dad was like you need a makeover cuz ur hair is bad and i kinda took offense honestly cuz i dont like my dad making comments about my appearence like this one time he told me i "need to work on my glamour" like wtf so i told my mom what he said to me at walmart and she AGREED WITH HIM AND SCHEDULED A DAY TO TAKE ME TO THE MALL TO BUY CLOTHES. and then so we went like on firday before christmas and it just kinda made me feel like a child and also like i was neglected when i was an actual child cuz idk i have like a lot of self image issues and i just wear whatever makes me not hate how i look and rn thats big skirt and little shirt but my mom wants me to wear jeans and regular shirt and i just think i look so bad in it. like she wanted me to get 5 outfits at the mall and i was like "so we're just gonna buy 5 pairs of the ssame pants? what if i dont even wear them?" and she said "YOU HAVE TO" so after that i felt kinda belittled? basically like i had no power or say in what im allowed to wear like A KID. BUT when i was an actual kid i would litterally go to school and my shoes would fall apart and i used the same ugly backpack from like 6th til highschool. like i dont understand why my parents suddenly care about how i look? now that im an adult? theyr ebasically saying they dont like how i dress and that upsets me because i feel like im finally able to learn how to express myself with how i dress now that im not inschool and scared of how people might percieve me and theyre judging not just how i look but also me yk

i NEVER got compliments when i was younger. i mean definatelelty not as much as i do now that im not as afraid of being myself. i mean people compliment me on my hair, my outfits, my glasses, my voice.

IM SMART, IM FUNNY, IM SILLY, IM WITTY, IM CUTE, IM PRETTY

IM GOOD

my hwole life everyone would describe me as quiet, shy. i thought i was weird, abnormal, i thought everything i liked was stupid.

i think i just need to get out of here.

its so hard to not hate myself when everyone around me sucks.

again, self image issues, insecurity, shame. when i was younger i used to hide pictures of myself cuz i just thought i looked so ugly and i still do. i'll look at those old pictures and think why would my parents let me go out in public like that? like ive always thought i was only cute as a toddler and then went downhill after that lol. but anyway im working on that by saving pics of myself when i was younger cuz thats me!! and if i were my parent i wouldve been a way better parent than my actual ones. she deserves everything she wants.

[laceghost]

uhoh. the misery. or whatever

god I fucking hate having ahdh or whatever the hell this is!! I don't even know what's fucking up my life and I have no idea how to fix it I feel like ive already tried everything I could and I'm. soso tired of it. I'm so close to finishing my last year of school and even tho I only have like one month and a half left idk if I'll survive them I know it sounds dramatic but it really feels like it lately. I can't get myself to do shit even stuff I'm supposed to enjoy and it feels like Im watching my life fall apart around me and I cant do anything to stop it. whatever. whatever!!!! I think realistically Ill get my diploma and Itll be fine on that front but Im gonna crumble at any moment now I feel it and theres not much I can do about it. Wish I could fix my brain or take like 2 months off life to figure out whats wrong with me but nothing is going to wait for me. Anyways feeling pretty hopeless today bc I cant get myself to work and I feel terribly guilty about it!!! Sorry if you read all that