#i gaslight myself a lot bc my emotions are all over the place but i also analyze things very well and a lot and give a lot of chances and

[juniestar]

Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE

[anauwhere]

Me: mh maybe I was over reacting when I blocked-unfollowed them gotta check them out again cause I'm bored

Satan: *left the chat at the sight of their url*

Me: do u know what? I should trust past me more she's always right

[spikeinthepunch]

maybe itd be good to also dump the timeline of what i have taken out or changed that i feel was affected by my own anxiety of why i could or couldnt tell and story with 'dark themes'. and ill just talk about it with Penrose because that is the story i am currently telling in the game i am making.

TW but not really detailed here- sexual, emotional and physical abuse. horrible toxic relationships in general. grooming. pedophilia.

.... Penrose (or TIWIFL)

TIWIFL it was obviously based on trauma stuff. the title gave it away ("this is what it felt like). the original ideas are entirely thrown out so i can be more clear about it without caring for spoilers. the first version of the story was about Mick, and her group of friends who i think were highschool students. the general line up of characters was Mick, Mars, Babs, and Haiden (a few other unimportant ones). Mick is a sophomore who was in a toxic abusive relationship with Haiden, a senior. Babs is a freshman who had been/was being sexually abused by an older man who groomed her. Mars is a senior who dealt with extreme anger problems that often resulted in him abusing girlfriends he tried to date. Yeah it was uh, a myriad of problems. I had no clear story with all of them together. Mick was a lone character at first who was to have a comic that had her exploring memories she forgot. Eventually they were to all be in a single story though i dont know how. there are some random drawings and map parts related to them though!

eventually Mick got selected for a short finished comic- Trip- which personified the idea of her past manipulative and gaslighting relationship. but i had no longer ideas at the time. now its just her and some new characters for this game jam story i am whipping up.

either way, while i didnt get any solid story for the old stuff, these guys sure represented some tough topics. and the content i did make was very triggering for me to even do. this version of the story may have gotten thrown out for many reasons (well, i had no story i could figure out, for one) and i think my age and mental state halted much of exploring it properly at the time. it was like desperate trauma dumping to get things out but it wasnt healthy- i think a lot didnt happen either bc i was throwing Types of trauma at various characters bc i needed an outlet. but still looking back at it, there was nothing wrong with trying to cover that- i ended up facing a lot of conflict and anxiety when i saw all the various opinions of Who could tell those stories and How to tell them. im sure that piecing out exploring these characters, would make a good story. and maybe i can still use this in my new iteration of this long running messy all over the place story. idk.

Penrose especially is one that was intended to feel more like "home" in the sense its grounded in a simple modern day world in a small town inspired by mine/one very close to me, and the concept of exploring forgotten memories is definitely based of myself- and then covering topics that are close/familiar to me. But when i started to of think of why's or what's for the memory loss topic and the trauma topic i did start to hold back when i took it out- for all the reasons echoed prior. i end up with a story that doesnt have any of the content i keep wanting it to have!

its current story now has to do with recovering memories of a cult Mick never realized would have been a cult in the first place. there is a lot that happens in cults, a lot of hard shit to consume. and its not all relevant to my characters or story or... i guess maybe, i made sure to write it so i didnt have to try and tackle those subjects. And yes, I don't by any means intend to or need to cover every possible bad thing that happens in a cult. But at the same time I know there is a lot of me that is nervous at even trying to explore themes of abuse, grooming, etc if it were to come up. and some of it HAS to if this is about a character coming to realize the bad of something she normalized for so long!!

its a whole process to realize this now. i want to change it and i guess its also hard to change my OC stories AGAIN. but im trying to be aware and trying to push away anxiety about the stories and subjects i want to write.

[moon3unny]

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

Christmas update 24.12.2023

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

Please just block dont report

-

Alright so this morning I was still 54,kg same weight but at least I didnt gain right so thats a win. I was feeling really shitty but I pushed through with cold brew and cooked a whole lot of christmas dinner. I had to eat obviously but Ill use it as my metabolism day! ate lasagna but I only ate half of one piece because I legit could not eat any more like i was so full I was starting to feel sick.

ate some sausages a few chicken nuggets- but overall I am so full that its uncomfortable and I feel sick. but this will be a huge metabolism day so im trying not to cry about it.

Im not going to weigh myself tomorrow for my own sanity

theres so much food left over I cooked that I dont need to cook tomorrow which is pretty slay. so I can start low restricting tomorrow again :3

I got an eyeshadow pallete, a kuromi plushie and a thermal coffee cup so I can keep tea,soup or coffee hot when im upstairs since I drink stuff so slowly it gets cold quickly

anyways heres some tea:

my sister right. I dont fatshame I dont give a single fuck ab anyoens weight only my own but shes an emotional binge eater and shes been medically obese for most of her life now which is no problem as long as shes healthy just repeating this: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSES WEIGHT BUT MY OWN. if u fatshame then respectfully: block me.

the problem is: that she tries blaming how much she eats on everyone else but herself. she asked me to hand her the chicken nuggets on the other end of the table so I did, and then I handed her a sausage too thinking she would want it too- I only HANDED IT TO HER and she GRABBED IT. I DID. NOT. place it on her plate she could have said no and I wouldve just put it back.

later when she was full she complained about "having to eat this sausage" as if I forced her to. she kept going on about how I put it directly on her plate. so we kept going back and forth ab how I did NOT put it on her plate I offered it and she TOOK IT WITH HER HAND?? NO SIGN OF NOT WANTING IT WHATSOEVER and then she kept going on and on ab with that self centered tone and audacity to blame me for making her eat more so when I told her thats not what happened like 3 times like it didnt happen legit 10 min ago she kept denying it and lowkey trying to gaslight me??? OVER A FUCKING SAUSAGE? "thats not what happened (deadname) wdym" AND SHE HAD THE FCKN BALLS TO SCOFF TOO???????

LIKE I COULDNT GIVE LESS OF A FUCK IF U DONT WANT TO SEEM LIKE U ARE EATING TOO MUCH BUT DONT BLAME IT ON ME????? I LITERALLY SPENT HOURS IN THE KITCHEN TO COOK ALL OF YALL A WHOLE MENU WHILST FIGHTING THE DARK SPOTS IN MY VISION U FUCKING BITCHBAG. anyways that pissed me off so much because she only acted like that bc our dad was sitting right in front of us at the dinnertable and she doesnt want him to comment on her eating which is very valid and relatable but ur fucking horrible if u make ur literal YOUNGEST SIBLING suffer for it.

Hi. Im the youngest sibling yet Im basically the oldest sibling bc they both cant cook for shit. I handle every argument that breaks out in the house andI protect both of my older sisters whenever my dad gets in a screaming fest with them. me. the. youngest. I never had any older siblings because Im the one handling them.

Ill rant ab her in another post this is basically already too long sorrayy

[cascadianights]

-Spent a lot of the summer hanging out w my ex

-Established clear boundaries (did not have sex or make out) and 1 singular expectation (show up once at my place over the summer and let me talk about my projects and passions)

-Kept to those boundaries even when he was making it very clear he would have sex (w clear no emotional attachment)

-Offered alternatives and reminders and other options (hanging out w my friends at the bar, I'm painting the burlesque dancers tonight! Or playing pool w my partner and me)

-& Endless forgiveness when he -didn't respond to texts about it until days later/never, -said yes then bailed after he was supposed to show (multiple times(this was our whole relationship 1st time around too))

-Accepted NO APOLOGY FOR THE FIRST TIME AROUND ???? But was firm to Not Be Treated This Way Again

-Gave him a few months of Doing This Shit Again and being very clear and gentle and he still entirely bailed and refused to even acknowledge it was hurtful

-Gave him like 3 separate chances to just call or meet up and talk instead of texting about it all for weeks aw full y and even tho he kept saying that's what he wanted, he refused

-Left! Didn't put up with it for a year. Didn't get involved in another Rollercoaster. Didn't accept no apologies for hurtful behavior. Didn't let him gaslight me instead of apologize. Didn't stay even though I love him. Didn't stay even though I get why he's acting this way and why it is SO ACTIVATING to me bc there's no way to change either of those things. Didn't give him a chance to get deeper involved in my life. Didn't give myself a chance to lash out and hurt him for hurting me more. Didn't tear him to shreds or tell him to fuck off just told him. This is not treating my time & energy w respect and its not behavior I want to be around and I hope that his choices bring him what he's searching for. And I do. I do. I wish him happiness. I know it's been a hard road for him. But that doesn't mean I can sacrifice myself to hope to bring it.

[daisylovesatla]

VERY hot take, If you are not an abuse survivor, particularly emotional abuse, please stop making posts about how Azula doesn’t deserve redemption.

CW for abuse, trauma, etc.

You really have no idea what it is like to be abused and manipulated. And you’re sending a message to all the survivors around u that you think they are tainted by their trauma and will never be more than it.

Azula is a child. She is 14 years old. I am currently 19 and have been out of my abusive home for a little over a year and a half. The person I am today is somebody my sad, traumatized, manipulated and wounded, abused 14 y/o self could not even imagine I would become. And I have decades of healing left to do, and a LOT of mental health problems that have stemmed from my abuse.

When you make these arguments, you don’t necessarily realize that you are not holding compassion for the real abuse survivors in your life, the people who witness stories like Azula and, even if they’re not war machines, still see themselves in Azula to a certain extent (myself included). And yes, there is damage that Azula will never be able to fully heal, every abuse survivor has damage that’s never fully repaired. But at the very LEAST we (and Azula) deserve the chance to rise above the circumstances controlling and manipulative people put us in.

I know azula is just a fictional character, yes. But if y’all don’t understand what abuse and manipulation can do to a person’s brain, what gaslighting can do, what it’s like to act against your own will in order to protect yourself, you have no fucking place to make an argument. It’s disgusting to speak about her the way you are. And it makes me think y’all don’t have compassion for the people in your life recovering from traumatic situations that are similar to hers.

Yes she did bad things. I’m not denying that. But to implicate she doesn’t even deserve a chance to redeem herself, doesn’t even deserve a chance to rise above the shadow of her abusive father, to become her own, independent person, to form loving, healthy relationships with people who care about her and don’t want to use her, is an extra kind of fucked up. And if you have compassion and understanding for Zuko, who tried to kill the avatar on multiple occasions too, it makes me wonder why you don’t for Azula??

She deserves love. She deserves to be cared for. To be freed from the source of her trauma and pain. She deserves to be given compassion and understanding in the aftermath of a really awful childhood. She deserves all of that and more.

Every single abuse survivor does...even the ones who have been forced to do bad things in order to protect themself, who have been manipulated into doing bad things by terrible people. So when you say Azula doesn’t deserve redemption, to a survivor of emotional abuse, (amongst others, but that’s not what I’m talking about here), what it really sounds like is, you don’t think anyone who’s been abused deserves compassion if their actions under the thumb of their abuser doesn’t align with your morals, which is really fucked up when you think about that even for half a second.

So stop and think abt what you’re saying, and maybe don’t fucking say it. Yes I’m angry and yes this discourse is incredibly triggering but I have to say this shit bc. Please listen to abuse survivors when u talk abt abuse. Lmao.

Disclaimer: This is NOT to say that it would fit with canon, lol, to give her a redemption arc, that’s not the argument I’m having here, so don’t make it abt that.

[oh-katsuki]

nooo, now I'm curious abt the girl bossing thoughts

are youuuuu???? i have many many many to spare.

this is mostly just my personal opinion on the trend, mixed in with some history of the patriarchy, so take it with a grain of salt. just a disclaimer.

i think that trend was born out of the pressure women face to behave in a way that allows us to fit into our patriarchal society. we are taught, from a very young age, to be meek, quiet, easygoing, nurturing, submissive, etc etc etc., especially in conversation with men. it's only been the last 80 years or so that women have taken a widely acknowledged role in society, but that doesn't mean that society has adapted to that socially. in fact, its obvious that it hasn't yet.

men have been doing the "gatekeep and gaslight" shit to us for centuries. it's actually so normalized in men's behavior within certain communities that a lot of women don't even recognize it. and it's very very commonly used to belittle the emotions, achievements, or experiences of a woman. for men, gaslighting and gatekeeping has been the norm for centuries.

women were not allowed to take roles outside of the home, women were not permitted to have their own bank accounts, women are meant to bear children, etc etc etc. we've been kept from the world stage for so long. not to mention men consistently using women's "emotions" as an excuse before proceeding to belittle them. i mean... for the longest time women were thought to make bad leaders because we "overreact".

most of the time... when we use that trend, we are literally just referring to having strong opinions. it's not gatekeeping or gaslighting. it's just a woman having a strong personality and strong opinions and being told by the patriarchy that it's wrong. so that "gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss" trend was born out of women standing up for themselves, their opinions, and their beliefs without shame against an opposing force (usually men). it's a complete satire. and it's fucking funny. because women (and female presenting people) have been suffering at the hands of the patriarchy for the entirety of our existence.

so personally, when i hear that trend using words i commonly associate with men being used in something by and for women, i tend to lean in favor of it. that's not to say two wrongs make a right. don't go around treating people like shit because "gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss". but i'd be fucking lying to myself and all of you if i said that behaving like an "evil woman" doesn't feel good. some guy wants to act like he knows more about shit than you do despite being equally qualified? gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss. you wanna make fun of him for his toxic masculinity that tries to put you in a “woman’s place”? gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss. someone is being a cunt and overstepping your boundaries? gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss. because it doesn't MEAN to actually fucking gaslight the people you're with. it means to assert yourself.

the trend doesn't apply to the real definition of those things. you're not meant to be walking around acting like a cunt when you're "girlbossing" but you are meant to be walking around acting like a man. that's the entire point of that trend. so i am going to keep being an evil woman and asserting myself and my boundaries. i will keep flexing knowledge to men who speak over me in a bitchy way. because women today deserve to get to have a joke about the way we've been treated. sorry not sorry.

i got rly aggressive in that bc I'm quite passionate. but yk whaaaaaaattt?? gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss or whatever!!!!!

[crystal-methionine]

The Post-Eurovision ranking and comments from an American that nobody asked for:

1. Switzerland 🇨🇭 Gjon’s Tears - Tout l’univers: I absolutely was enamored by this song, its artistry, and the artist. He can really sing and one of my early favorites from this year. So happy for him to get in the top 3 bc it was well deserved. 100/10

2. Italy 🇮🇹 Måneskin - Zitti e Buoni: Deserved winners. As queer as you can get and I am here for it. Another early favorite of mine constantly fighting with Switzerland for the top spot. 100/10

3. Iceland 🇮🇸 Dadi og Gagnamagnid - 10 Years: A beautiful song dedicated to his wife and deserved Top 5 for sure. Last year’s song would have won hands down so I’m bummed he couldn’t win the first one for Iceland but brilliant song and I hope the group stays together to produce more music. 99/10

4. Bulgaria 🇧🇬 Victoria - Growing Up Is Getting Old: Eurovision fandom will forever say Imaginary Friend or Ugly Cry was the better song to send, but I don’t think they would have won the contest either. This year was strong, and I personally think Growing Up was a perfect choice from Victoria. It deserved top 10 so I was pissed that it came 11th on the night and received so few televotes. 97/10

5. Ukraine 🇺🇦 Go_A - SHUM: To all y’all who said this wouldn’t qualify when the new version came out, eat those words hun. This was a masterpiece, and the live performances just elevated it further. Honestly, Kateryna could step on me, and I would let her. Who doesn’t love an ethnic modern fusion rave? 95/10

6. Serbia 🇷🇸 Hurricane - Loco Loco: I honestly have to say when it came out, it was never breaking my top 20, but here we are. This group of gals is amazing. The choreo, hairography, and the still great vocals won my gay ass over. They served and deserved top 10 in my eye. 90/10

7. Greece 🇬🇷 Stefania - Last Dance: Much like Serbia, I kinda dismissed this as a top 10 song at first, but after many listens and then the live shows, it was one of the best songs this year. Last year’s song was nowhere near a qualifier for me, and then I thought they had a good chance of being top 5 this year. Amazing improvement and can’t wait to see what comes next from Stefania. 80/10

8. Malta 🇲🇹 Destiny - Je me casse: Not going to lie, the studio definitely did more for me. It was up with Italy and Switzerland for winner contention until the live shows. Don’t get me wrong, Destiny is still amazing live, and the song is a deserved top 5 song. However, the costume and staging just really didn’t add to the song and I think detracted a bit. Her song last year was also much better in my opinion. 75/10

9. San Marino 🇸🇲 Senhit ft Flo Rida - Adrenalina: Oh boy this was a party, and the fact Flo Rida actually was there made it even better. The staging and costuming was absolutely camp, and I was here for it. This was definitely not underrated by fans beforehand, but the jury and televote were beyond robberies in my opinion. Granted I know the backing vocals were carrying the chorus a lot so in terms of vocals, I can see where this song got dinged, but this should have been San Marino’s best ever result at Eurovision, and it wasn’t so I’m mad. 60/10

10. France 🇫🇷 Barbara Pravi - Voila: The new Edith Piaf and probably one of the most representative of the country’s culture for a song. A definite deserved runner up on the night but for me 10th place. I loved the staging, the costume, the emotions. It was all right for Eurovision and me. 50/10

11. Cyprus 🇨🇾 Elena Tsingarou - El Diablo: Come through Cyprus with another female pop banger. I’d say if the formula ain’t broke don’t fix it, but wasn’t really enough to crack top 10 this year. Another early favorite of mine this year but soon got eclipsed. Still going to be listening to El Diablo for a while. 49/10

12. Russia 🇷🇺 Manizha - Russian Woman: I can’t lie that at first, this song was absolutely trash to me but quickly rose the ranks and became one of my faves. Same thing happened last year with Uno. We also always love a good female empowerment moment with the native language thrown in. Manizha is a girlboss without the gaslighting and a true queen. Deserved top 10 the night of. 40/10

13. Lithuania 🇱🇹 The Roop - Discoteque: An earworm for first listen and was top 10 for a while for me but like Cyprus, lost out to some others. No doubt this is a deserved top 10 the night of. 35/10

14. Croatia 🇭🇷 Albina - Tick Tock: The first song to get me pressed on it’s placement. Deserved to be in the final over both Israel and Norway (please come for me I don’t care). They freakin rocked that stage during the semis and the song is absolutely a bop. Albina deserved better. 30/10

15. Sweden 🇸🇪 Tusse - Voices: A beautiful song by an amazing artist. Sure the lyrics were a bit cliche Eurovision but guess what...it’s Eurovision. I can hear the voices. Keep carrying on Tusse. 25/10

16. Albania 🇦🇱 Anxehla Peristeri - Karma: This song grew on me a lot. I liked it but wasn’t a don’t skip for a while on my playlist. The live performance changed it for me. She slayed and the staging was everything for Miss Thing. Also native language brownie points. 24/10

17. Finland 🇫🇮 Blind Channel - Darkside: Before you come for me for having this at 17th, keep reading. I’m not a big fan of the lyrics but the song is absolutely fantastic. This style of music isn’t something I pull out on a playlist often, but I had my middle fingers up for this one (and pointed at Germany but we’ll discuss later). Deserved top 10 as they rocked it on stage. 20/10

18. The Netherlands 🇳🇱 Jeangu Macrooy - Birth of a New Age: I absolutely do not understand the hate for this song. I was also a huge fan of Grow last year so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised for being generally alone again. The fact it got 0 points in the televote and only 11 in the jury is not surprising but extremely disappointing to me. This song is a masterpiece much like the ones ranked above it. Jeangu, you are amazing and deserved so much better than this. 20/10

19. Belgium 🇧🇪 Hooverphonic - The Wrong Place: Fantastic song but fantastic artists. Always here for a dark pop moment. Gonna go get my own Johnny Cash T-shirt. 15/10

20. Spain 🇪🇸 Blas Cantó - Voy a Quedarme: Such a heartfelt ballad. I enjoyed it quite a bit and don’t understand the hate it has. Didn’t deserve 0 points in the televote. 14/10

21. Denmark 🇩🇰 Fyr og Flamme - Øve Os På Hinanden: Look we all know this song is cheesy but it’s the cheesiest Velveeta queso loco so it’s ranked so high in my opinion. This is a nod to the whacky and weird Eurovision I love. It’s always in my head and I always find myself dancing along. Deserved to be in the final over two of the songs in Semi 2. 13/10

22. Azerbaijan 🇦🇿 Efendi - Mata Hari: As far as the song goes, it’s enjoyable, but the stage show was a hot mess in my opinion. The choreo looked a mess and the different sheer legging configurations on the backup dancers was not the correct fashion choice in my opinion as I was distracted by the thought of why are they all different. Did deserve their spot in the final though. 12/10

23. Moldova 🇲🇩 Natalia Gordienko - Sugar: The studio version of this song is a heavily replayed one on my playlist bc of the drop and dance-ability of the song. However the downfall of the song was it’s live performance. The staging was fine and the choreo was great but those attempted sexy whisper vocals were not the choice to go with. I don’t want to sugar-coat this 😝 so they were terrible. Glad she made it but I felt her position in the final was one of just pure luck. 11/10

24. UK 🇬🇧 James Newman - Embers: The nul points was a huge ass oof. This song isn’t bad but I can see where people didn’t vote for it bc it’s not super memorable in terms of who all was participating this year. I like the song and always sing and dance along. 10/10

25. Israel 🇮🇱 Eden Alene - Set Me Free: This is how to do a revamp and be successful. Eden is a fantastic artist who can clearly sing, but the live performance was not all that sans the whistle tones. Yet the whistle tones aside, the song is lacking a lot. When looking back at the songs available, this one should not have been the selected one. I was always on the fence with this one and still am. 9.5/10

26. Czechia 🇨🇿 Benny Cristo - Omaga: The live definitely hurt this song in the first minute and a half. The second half was absolutely what should have happened in terms of vocals. Still like the song and listen to it often. 9.25/10

27. Ireland 🇮🇪 Leslie Roy - Maps: This song was a victim of a super strong bloodbath and shoddy staging ideas. The song is arresting and a bop. Leslie’s gruff voice mixed with the modernized Irish sounds is a match made. The staging of this song that required Leslie to run along with the beat and the distracting and constantly changing bits of the performance we’re definitely it’s downfall. It didn’t deserve last place in Semi 1 though. 9.25/10

28. Portugal 🇵🇹 The Black Mamba - Love Is On My Side: I am the first to admit that while I don’t like the song, it deserved the final. The staging and atmosphere elevated the song. 9/10

29. Austria 🇦🇹 Vincent Bueno - Amen: In the battle of the Amens, this one wins solely based on the classy and amazing staging. Don’t get me wrong, Slovenia’s was also elevating but this one did it better. 8.5/10

30. Australia 🇦🇺 Montaigne - Technicolor: This song is a fantastic one for studio. The live since the Sydney Mardi Gras performance has been rough and didn’t necessarily improve. I feel bad bc I do really love this song but it definitely didn’t deserve to qualify. This being said, I love Montaigne, and Don’t Break Me was my runner up last year, and I still listen to it as my anthem when I’m feeling down. I wish I could rank this higher but I can’t. 8.5/10

31. Romania 🇷🇴 Roxen - Amnesia: This song is great in the studio but it got old real fast for me and I don’t know why. This mixed with the poor vocals and the bizarre costume:stage combo was really what did this in and got this low in my ranking. 8.25/10

32. Slovenia 🇸🇮 Ana Soklic - Amen: The loser of the Amen battle, but just barely. The song and vocals are better in my opinion but the whole package was just barely edged out in the end. 8/10

33. Latvia 🇱🇻 Samanta Tīna - Moon Is Rising: Look, this song is nowhere near as good as last years. The queeeeeen sashayed away with that annoying trap beat. 8/10

34. North Macedonia 🇲🇰 Vasil - Here I Stand: Leave it to the gays for bringing musical theatre to Eurovision. The song honestly isn’t that special or memorable but he’s higher up bc his stage and voice are amazing. 7/10

35. Norway 🇳🇴 Tix - Fallen Angel: A great message on mental health outside of the song and Tix seems like a quality fella but I do not like the song. I preferred it in Norwegian. And this low ranking is not at all influenced over him beating out Keiino (but maybe a slight bit tho). 5/10

36. Estonia 🇪🇪 Uku Suviste - The Lucky One: While this was 1000% better than last years entry, it still was relatively boring. The stage was equally as boring so sorry Estonia, but you didn’t make the mark. 4.5/10

37. Poland 🇵🇱 Rafael - The Ride: This throwback to the 80s was a bad one. The attempt at a one hit wonder vibe really hurt it along with the artist’s terrible vocals. Also half the time, he was behind the pyro and relying on backup vocals. 4/10

38. Georgia 🇬🇪 Tornike Kipiani - You: You really should not have to wait so long for the more upbeat rock ending of this. If it was that last 30 seconds for 3 minutes, it would be much better. A definite step back from last year. 1/10

39. Germany 🇩🇪 Jendrick - I Don’t Feel Hate: Jendrick might not feel hate but I do bc that is all I feel when this song comes on. 0.5/10

[newhologram]

I know only a few of you are on IG so I wanted to give an update here on the past few days. I am doing this knowing the potential risk but I need to also record where I'm at right now in case anything weird happens.

My week has been like this so far. Sunday: Family Member 1 misplaced their Xbox controller. They kept asking me if I knew where it was, each time growing more and more aggressive. I don't have an Xbox, I reminded them. I have my own controller for my PC. But they kept knocking loudly on my door. They followed me outside where I was vaping and tried to accuse me of I don't even know what. Pawning off their controller? FM1 said, "Is there something going on that you're not telling me? SOMEONE'S messing with me!" Later that night they and their gf were making dinner. FM1 suddenly knocked harshly on my door and said aggressively, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE OVEN MITTS" in an angry voice. I was already stressed from them harassing me earlier about the controller. I came out of my room, heart racing, and told them I had not used them that day. I helped find the mitts, which had fallen behind the trash can because the hanging hook had broken. I went to bed on edge, feeling unsafe and targeted, wondering why my family member was suddenly acting so paranoid and accusing me of misplacing their things... Something they actually have done to me my whole life, denying it until the moment my item is found, when they suddenly remember they did move it there (or accidentally throw it out/destroy it). The controller ended up being some random place in the living room. Monday: I went to leave for my acupuncture appointment. My booster seat/pillow thing was missing from my car. Not in the trunk or anything. I cannot drive without it. I'm too short to see over the steering wheel. I called FM1 and they have no idea where it could be, despite the fact that they drive my car every day. FM1's gf helped find it, in the garage. But I still had an epic fucking meltdown, sobbing the whole way to and from my appointment. I just cannot handle people moving my shit and disrupting my schedule like that. And it just hurt so much more knowing that FM1 was so awful to me the day before about their stuff being misplaced. I'm always having my personal belongings, my feelings, my personhood, disrespected. It hurts deeply. When I got home I stressed to them that this is my car, and my accommodation should not ever be removed from it under any circumstances. It was after this that I decided it was time to hold a family meeting. I called Family Member 2 and 3 over to the house. I read a long letter to them in which I told them about the talks I have had with my therapist, psychiatrist, and another psychologist. Even though I cannot be formally assessed and diagnosed at this time, I am being treated for autism. I detailed to my family my entire life of trauma that is traced back directly to my autistic traits, and my needs not only not being met, but being outright denied. I was denied empathy most of my life for my sensory issues, my pain, everything. A big part of this is gaslighting. Even if it's unintentional or not malicious, gaslighting is incredibly traumatic. Especially when it comes to my sensory issues. I have had even more problems with overstimulation the past year which means I can barely sleep, so my daily naps are even more important. I try to coordinate my naps when there is less activity in my house. But if I'm in a ton of pain and extra sensitive and ask for quiet, that's when I get in trouble and a fight happens. That's when FM1 tells me I "need to be realistic" and "can't expect the whole world to shut up for you"... when I'm literally saying "I have a migraine and need to rest, can you please not play loud music or slam cupboards in the kitchen for a few hours?"

I was emotionally neglected and abused by both parents. A lot of it is just the result of their own trauma that they have not dealt with... But I have also been physically threatened and assaulted by them at different times, though it only happened those specific times. (They won't ever admit to it though.) The emotional and mental abuse still goes on in my home. I am not allowed to have emotions. I have been told "STOP. WHY ARE YOU CRYING. LIFE'S NOT FAIR. WHEN YOU GET OUT IN THE REAL WORLD YOU'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT" over and over--like... in response to me crying about my pet dying, or in response to me crying bc I'm in horrible pain from my chronic illnesses, or crying after my usual yearly ER visit. I am also not allowed to have boundaries. I have tried to communicate with FM1 that these things hurt me deeply. And their response is basically, "YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL. I PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD!" and threats such as "BETWEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU AND GRANMDA, ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO DRIVE OFF AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!" or "I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU"-- y'know, in response to having a disabled child. Ouch. The message is clear: I am nothing but an inconvenience and a burden to my family. I still have nightmares about them abandoning me, or abusing me more. I think in their heads they think that they love me. But this isn't love. If I try to talk to them about how dangerous it is for them to say things like that to me, they say "I never said/did that." Which brings us back to the gaslighting: I said that every time they gaslight me and tell me that my emotions/thoughts/experiences aren't real, it triggers me so badly that I self-harm and become suicidal.

I was very clear with them: I said that I can no longer have that in my life because one day it will kill me. I don't wanna die that way. I want to live. I have very bad PTSD and it's something I have worked on for 8 years but it has been worse the past year with so many disruptions and FM1's worsening narcissistic traits. I gave the choice to them. I said if they gaslighted me again that they were making the decision to not be in my life. Because this is about preserving my life. I'm trying not to die here. I'm literally trying to save my own life, even if that means not having a relationship with my family. They accept that I am autistic... But they then took turns gaslighting me. When I pointed out, "that's gaslighting. that's exactly what I just said in my letter. What you're doing is gaslighting" they went even harder on it. They said my experience and my trauma is "not in line with reality". They also said I "need to be reasonable" with the boundary that I'm setting (meaning: they don't believe in boundaries at all). They tried to guilt trip me with, "you can't cut someone out of your life because what if they DIE and then you FEEL GUILTY??" (I mean, what if I killed myself because you keep hurting me? Wouldn't you feel guilty about that?) They also guilt tripped me with "well we TRY to invite you to family stuff, and we try to include you, but you never want to go..." um... I guess they forgot I am chronically ill? Sorry if I don't have the energy or pain tolerance to drive an hour each way to a loud family party after I've worked all week? I cried and cried, I said this is exactly what I told you that you do to me and how it endangers my life... and you're doing it... while telling me you don't do it to me... They were all weird and told me "we love you and would do anything for you!" except... I guess, not gaslight me constantly? Idk. I felt so trapped. I felt so hopeless. I was up all night crying. I wondered, "Why is the idea of me having distance from them somehow worse than me being dead? Why would they prefer that I die rather than set a boundary that will save me?" And then I remembered: I had set the terms. They broke them. You do this, you're out of my life, because me being alive is more important than us having a relationship which will eventually kill me. I'm not trapped. It doesn't matter if they think they can prevent me from setting this boundary because they can't. I'm in charge of my boundary. So I blocked them on social media, as well as their phones. I have to unfortunately keep FM1 unblocked bc I live with them, they drive my car, and they look after my cats while I am at work. If I didn't have so many great things happening behind the scenes, if I didn't have my cats, if I didn't have amazing friends and followers who are supportive and kind... I can definitely see that I would have ended my life that night in some alternate timeline. That is how much pain I was in from them doing that to me. Them literally trying to gaslight me into not setting a boundary. I mean it would've been so ridiculous on their part, can you imagine? Me: Hey family, when you gaslight me, it makes me suicidal. I don't want to die, so either you stop doing that, or we can't have a relationship. Family: UHH NO *gaslights me anyway* Me: ok *kills self* Family: *surprised Pikachu face* Like???? Would they really have been shocked because it seems like they should have known since I told them directly? And that just shows that they really don't take my pain seriously at all. They think I'm overly sensitive and that my trauma is not real. That would have been a painful wake up call for them. I told my therapist all of this. And she agrees that this is good, this is going to not only ween them off of me but also allow me to focus on all the good stuff I have going on. I have to get moving. So much stuff has been lagging because I'm constantly recovering from them triggering me. I'm going to focus, and heal, and gtfo of here. Thank you for your support and for never invalidating my pain.

[one-abuse-survivor]

reporting from the milky way again :)

yes, i did get the exams and project out of the way (the main reason i worked on the project so much last weekend was because i had to turn it in until sunday night) but right now were in the process of getting all the grades back and tbh i'm less than happy about it. So far i'm not happy about math, physics and chemistry and there'll be even worse grades in geography, german and music.

and my dad did not realize the extent of my struggles and seems to think that i'm just a rebellious teenager or something

i know that my mom will be around tomorrow afternoon and i am planning to talk with her then but that'd be a one-on-one conversation and i'm not sure if i can handle that at the moment but we'll see. i can tell you how it went afterwards.

and i'm really excited for friday bc it's the last day of school this year and afterwards we have a 7 week break and i'll be able to go out for lunch with a friend whom I haven't seen in two years because they moved to the US.

okay so this is milky way again and i wanted to let you know how trying to talk to my mom went

spoiler alert: it was worse than disappointing

i didn't start talking about my suspicions of being neurodivergent because i wanted to see how helpful she'd be first so i just kinda started with how i struggle with concentrating and not getting distracted at school and my sleep issues and that's about as far as i got before i got a feeling of how pointless this was.

the only thing she did was telling me that others have it worse (since i still have above-average grades), that everyone has this kind of existential crisis at some point during their teenager years, that the sleeping and concentration issues are just teenager issues that everyone has and that everyone feels like their struggles are worse than everyone else's even tho most of the time they actually aren't and finally that she can't help me

i of course quickly got the hell out of the room and went to bed (so i can be by myself in my room in the dark with my door closed). on one hand i'm absolutely furious and on the other hand i am disappointed, sad and dejected and i don't really believe myself anymore. seriously, what if she's right? she's had about 40 years more life experience and she was a teenager too at some point so she'd know this kinda thing, wouldn't she? what if i'm just complaining too much and talking over the ones that are actually struggling and can actually prove it with grades and stuff?

i feel a lot worse than i did one hour ago and i should've just not started talking in the first place and i regret it so much because i know this conversation will haunt me for the next week if not more.

i'm just angry angry angry

at myself, at her, at the way she compared me with literally everyone else at my age, at how i'm not sure of myself and at everything

i haven't felt this bad since last november and that was when things got really really bad (suicidal thoughts and self-harm included) and i'm so so scared of being there again because i'm on a 7 month 2 week streak with self-harm and i don't want to have to break it

sorry that this is just me venting and that this is so long

tl;dr i tried talking to my mom, now i'm angry at myself and her and i'm terrified of myself

Hi again ❤ I'm really sorry your grades aren't as good as you wanted them to be and that your dad keeps acting like your struggles are just a teenage rebellious phase and not taking you seriously :( I hope you have a good time with your friend, at least!

I'm so so sorry talking to your mom went so badly. I hope you're feeling slightly better now, but if not, I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug. I know how hard it can be to believe you're actually struggling at first, especially mentally, and I can't even imagine how horrible it must feel to have those fears "proven" by the very people meant to help you and support you when you reach out for help.

She is not right, nonnie, no matter how much she insists she is. First of all, I think there's at least some truth to the idea that teenagers tend to think the world revolves around themselves, and to feel uncomprehended at times. But I also think that's completely understandable. I mean, you're experiencing what it's like not to be a kid anymore for the very first time; you're facing many grown-up problems and feelings for the first time. And all of that while hormones wreak havoc in your system. How are you not meant to be at least a little bit angsty at times? But you know what? That doesn't mean you don't deserve help and guidance from your parents! It is a part of parenting to guide your kids through their teenage problems and to help them deal with emotions and issues they'd never had to face before. So even if she was right, and all you were going through right now was a typical teen existential crisis, you would still need and deserve her guidance and support. And you would still deserve to see a doctor about your struggles with sleep and concentration even if it turned out it was a teenage thing. There is no scenario where you deserve to suffer and push through your struggles alone just because your problems don't come from a serious enough source.

Second of all, grades are not indicative of how much you're struggling. I got some of the best grades in my school during years where I was going through abuse. I know a person who managed to get into a medicine degree with undiagnosed ADHD (and you have to get some really high grades to study medicine here). I also know a person who passed 3/4ths of her uni subjects and graduated university while in a depression so severe she could barely walk. Your grades do not dictate whether you need help.

And third of all, she might be older than you, and I'm sure she had a lot of learning experiences as a teenager herself, but that doesn't mean she knows you better than you know yourself. No one knows you better than you know yourself. No one has experienced all life experiences and gets to decide what other people are or aren't going through. And most importantly, there's always going to be someone who has it "worse" than everyone in this world, but that doesn't mean everyone else doesn't deserve help to manage their struggles. There's no such thing as not struggling enough to deserve help. Either you're not struggling at all, whatsoever, or you are to some extent—and no matter what that extent is, if you feel like you need help with it, then you need help with it. No one gets to tell you you don't.

From what I know, it's not unheard of for neurodivergent people to get told by their parents that their experiences are universal and therfore "not a big deal", and for it to turn out that their parents have some signs of neurodivergence themselves and just never got diagnosed. I of course don't know if that's the case here, but I want you to know that regardless of her reasons to tell you your experiences are universal—whether she also went through that and never had it acknowledged or she's saying it to gaslight you and make you question yourself—her behaviour is still neglectful. And you deserved so much better than to be made to feel like you're making things up, exaggerating and talking over others when all you did was ask for help with your personal struggles.

Sending a giant hug your way ❤️

[resmarted]

scouting talent is one of my only skills and i used to say i’m going to buy out the comedy theater from that asshole who used to run it and make it a fair business to those who put work and effort into providing entertainment locally, like literally said this countless times in the past, and now i have just been informed it’s up for lease! we deserve to have a solid space for comics to perform without fear of politics getting in the way or whatever sexual harassment charges he was up against toward the end, and people also deserve to be paid for the work they do and not just stiffed and screwed over by some egomaniacal airhead that doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but himself. not sure if i’ll really do it but i have a meeting with the owner scheduled and if i do get it i one thousand percent promise to honor the performers, especially the black and lgbt community of comics, give a platform to underrated talent and create the safe space that we all want but never got to have thusfar. i used to be so spoiled at la nuit bc the owner never gave a shit and so it was my own theater that i poured my heart into with blood sweat and tears and it was the last time i truly felt like i was serving my purpose. i honestly believe comedy deserves its own space and not just being shoved into bars here and there, where people know what they’re coming for as well as the atmosphere of respect that comes along with being in a theater which just does not exist in the traditional bar space. comedy is an especially hostile environment towards women and i’ve seen so many great talents burn out over the years because it’s not worth the drama of dealing with people gaslighting and emotionally terrorizing them, and even the tension amongst female comics felt like it was insidiously perpetuated within the culture itself. i will remain steadfast in nipping that shit in the bud as quick as it sprouts and again, i’m not guaranteeing i will definitely get this place, but if i do i’ll do it right and won’t be allowing scummy big name comics with horrible reputations to come waltzing through like they own the place just for a little bit of clout because as we all know by now i could give a fuck about clout even on my worst day. what i care about is quality and emotional respect to people who truly hone their craft and merely want to create and bring joy to this grim world, which is so hard to do when you’re in a room full of assholes constantly looking to undercut each other in an effort to gain some sort of fame or notoriety. i want to return to live entertainment as being a genuine experience and not just people verbally sucker punching each other to assert their dominance. also, hello? my dream job is to be lorne michaels. i’m a no nonsense bitch but i’m fair and i care about the people i surround myself with. i’m also mature enough to overlook a personal history of past transgressions with someone if they are talented and hard working, which is hard for a lot of people to say. this is a lot of blah blah blah for something that might not even happen but it’s one of those maybe i can speak it into existence type deals for now. ttyl ✌️

[mensuckalways]

Random ya know, trauma post of the week here

Y’all ever find yourself in that weird position where you don’t fit in anywhere? Like I remember in high school I like wasn’t with the snooty snobby chicks but I was in this group of edgy kids that were into comic books and horror stuff and just they were a group of like ‘we’re not like other girls’ girls, and that’s cool they would say it helped them have an identity and made their own group

But like I was literally teased by them bc I wasn’t into any of that stuff. My dad kept me from playing sports (used to play softball), my mom wouldn’t bring me to any events, my parents/mostly my dad didn’t want me hanging out with certain kids, going certain places. I remember my mon was always the ‘weird and goofy’ woman too. My dad would fight with us and we’d be teary eyed in public, my mom was on drugs always acting weird around friends moms or family or friends from school, would have random emotional breakdowns and start screaming or crying in front of friends, my mom would be laying down in bed all day in her room from depression or drugs or maybe both I don’t know. My mon once told my friends grandmother that my dad beat her and she wouldn’t let my friend come over to my house. My parents isolated me so bad. I just never developed an identity and I’m STILL trying to make my own to this day, bc I was deprived of a ton of socializing and exposure to the world most other people had, along with my parents scaring other families away. I’ve only ever dated one guy and it was 4 years ago. I am so damaged beyond repair it feels like. I currently live with my dad so I sometimes forget about how crazy he really is and everything he does to me emotionally to this day, gaslighting me, controlling me, as an adult at 21. He still manages to get me to pity him even though he treats me like shit. Hell I brought up reporting my boss for sexual harassment and he totally shut me down tonight. I’m just gonna have to go to a LOT of therapy to fix myself and I just shouldn’t have to do all of this. I’m just really angry inside all of the time now and it’s really fucking hard.

And it’s also the holidays and my mom is in north louisiana smoking meth. I look around inside this house I grew up in and remember her and I going to buy chips late at night right before big lots closed, going to Victoria’s secret together, laughing and doing everything my dad wouldn’t let us do when he was there and she’s not here anymore to do it with me and I miss her so bad. But I’m so angry at her for letting me stay in a homeless shelter a few years back. I just can’t deal with my emotions right now

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2283

i did a bunch of work today. kinda exhausted.

i attended and took notes in class, i cleaned my room and went through my wardrobe to get rid of stuff in the first real clothing purge of the last like five years, and then i did all of the assignments that were due for earth science before 6pm, which was weird for me bc i usually do them after everything else during the day. but i had time, so i did them early. i also listened to two sections of math lecture, so i can do homework for that section tomorrow, and maybe get a head start on the rest of my exhaustive list of homework for each day of the rest of the semester. quite literally, i made a list. numbered it, put in all of my assignments and when i'd do them, so i have it all laid out in front of me so i can keep to the schedule, because if i fall behind any more i will not finish the semester. but i have to, and i have to have something to show to my professor tomorrow to let her know i'm not giving up, but that instead it's my mental inertia that is really preventing me from being productive. mental inertia is what i'm calling my brain's unwillingness to do a single fuckin thing on any given day. because of the definition and practical understanding of inertia, it means though that if i want it to move, i have to move it myself. i have to push it. because that's really what i'm dealing with - an unwilling blob of disaster that has a decent ability to function if it ever gets off its ass. so i need the motivation to push that blob until it starts sliding. lots of principles of physics here: inertia, forces, static and kinetic friction. yknow, the drill.

anyway, i'm proud of myself for today, even though it feels like i missed doing stuff. breaking things down into specific details helps me, so having a day-by-day calendar that goes line by line telling me what i need to do on a given day will help me push my dumbass brain into gear. it's a variation, i suppose, on the block method of task organization andrew tells his clients about. sticky notes worked for a semester. a detailed planner worked really well for a semester. so now, straight-up pads of paper will have to work for the rest of the semester. i need to rotate my methods so i don't get complacent and ignore things, like i can easily do if things are uniform and are exactly the same. which is why a list is easier i guess, because yes it's all supposed to look the same, but it's a different visual thing than a wall of brightly-colored sticky notes that end up blending into the faded yellow wall. which is a problem i have. so. i'd like to go back to the planner thing, but that also worked best when i was on campus and not stuck at home for school stuff.

also i talked to joel a little bit today. sort of a normal interaction: he asked me if i wanted to fight, i begged for death, he said no, i said why, he gave some bullshit answer, then we changed the topic. kinda funny tbh, that's sort of our way of checking in on each other. it allows me to actually tell him how i'm feeling, and while he doesn't give up much information himself, a lot of it is supporting me and my nonsense and buffoonery as i simply exist as a ball of Anxiety™ that stress-cleans and vibrates in place as i contemplate the tasks i must complete. today was an anxiety day, so i told him. [it's nice to tell someone things about my emotional state and for them to take me and what i say at face value instead of trying to break me down into pieces of "drama" and "not drama," because that's what my mom does. if i feel too much, her first response is "what's real and what's drama," or "you're being dramatic," or some other equally bullshit gaslighting of my emotional state that's fuckin fragile in the first place. like, listen linda. "what's real" all of it. "what's drama" none of it, you moldy peach pit. i feel what i feel, and you are not allowed to tell me that what i'm feeling isn't real, so shut your mouth and sit the fuck down, you melted stick of unsalted butter.] but yeah. joel actually listens and i love the shit out of him for it.

and lastly, i watched a christmas movie. by myself. before thanksgiving. but. in my defense, it was about a struggling writer at a writing conference who ends up repeatedly unknowingly bumping into the keynote speaker, a published author of whom she happens to be a fangirl in increasingly embarrassing situations at first. and then they're paired as writing buddies for the conference, and he gives her pointers and they banter and work together and it's just really cute and the Drama occurs when he's trying to tell her he's the author but she keeps rushing to go somewhere and it's the keynote and the author walks in and it's HIM. THE DRAMA. THE BETRAYAL. THE YEARNING. and then he comes to her dad's house and surprises her on christmas day with a letter from a publisher bc her revised copy of her manuscript was really good bc of all the help he gave her and the experiences they shared and all the good stuff and she said it was basically a happy ever after, to which he replied, "i guess it is." and then she says, "so kiss me already," and points to the mistletoe above them and it's SO CUTE AND SWEET AND I ALMOST CRIED.

but anyway, i feel like a hypocrite because christmas!! shouldn't!! happen!! before!! thanksgiving!! that's!! a!! rule!! and i HATE IT when people put up christmas decorations in early november, but at this point i'm accepting that it's something that gives people joy so i really shouldn't step on that. it's just. learning to accept that people enjoy certain things and i should encourage them instead of rag on them for it. i'm not perfect. i'm still learning. and i want to be a kinder person to people, more loving and accepting and supportive, and i'm slowly overcoming my own hatred of things as i grow and distance myself further from the shit that made me this way. i'm learning! if i make a mistake please tell me gently, because i want to be better but i also have RSD and i WILL shut down and tear myself down forever if i am told harshly bc that's just how i am. i'm trying to get over it a little at a time by accepting things as time goes on, but in the meantime i need help. so that's all, i guess.

thanks for reading and for caring, i love you guys and i hope you're enjoying things that being you joy, even if other people give you shit for it. i will do my best to support you!

also if you're in the US and are of voting age and are registered and haven't already voted, GO VOTE TOMORROW. some states have same-day registration, so bring an ID and go register if you need to. this election will determine our futures - i know so many of us are in circumstances that would be harmed if we had another four years of the racist orange peel in office now, so i know many others who may straight-up die because of it. we need protections. we need to have our rights protected. we need to have our lives protected. and we can't do that with the damaged candy corn in office for any longer. he'a already fucked with us enough. we can't afford any more of it. now i'm just angry ranting. please, go vote for joe biden. politics is like public transit: if there's no train going exactly where you need to go, you don't just not get on the train. you take the one that gets you the closest, and work your way from there. that's joe biden. and, if biden does indeed win, our fights aren't over. we have people we need to protect from the conservatives and racists and white supremacists that exist goddamn everywhere. we need to keep reminding people that it's our responsibility to take care of one another in every way we can. there's a laundry list of things that needs to be fixed; unfortunately they won't happen all at once. so we have to keep fighting, no matter who's in office. VOTE.

VOTE.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hi, I'm trying to figure out how/when to break up with my bf. I feel like our relationship is stagnant & he's said before that bc he practices Islam he wouldn't be able to fully support it/would be disappointed if our future kids were gay/trans/etc. I always have said that I support him & his religion, and that hasn't changed, but I dont want my child to be made to feel like they're sinful/shameful for being LGBTQ+. Also, I'm a junior in (a very gay) college and I really, really, want to put (1)

myself out there and get a girlfriend while I’m still in this ideal environment. I feel like I’m just no longer interested in having a longterm relationship with a man. So basically for all these reasons I feel like it’s time for me to pull the plug—but the problem is I love my bf very much (just not IN love anymore), and we share the same friend group. He has said before that he would not be able to remain in the friend group if we ever broke up because it would be too painful for him & I’m (2)

so scared of losing him & causing him to leave a gaping hole in our friend group. Esp. since he’s so close with them, closer than I am, so it would be super damaging. I know I need to break up soon because I’m just so tired of not being free to move on, but I’m scared of devastating a sweet young man who I care about deeply and I’m TERRIFIED of ruining my entire social life as a result of this. Sorry for such a heavy ask. I just have been struggling with this for months and I’m exhausted. (3/3)

To be quite honest with you, I struggle to think of someone as a “sweet young man” who is this blatantly queerphobic and also uses his religion as an excuse to be queerphobic. If he chooses to practice a queerphobic interpretation of Islam that’s on him. Just like with other religions it is up to the individual to decide for themselves how they want to interprete their belief system and their holy scriptures. It is absolutely possible to be a Muslim and not be a queerphobic prick so I have no sympathy for him or anyone who uses their religion as an excuse for hate!

That being said, despite fearing for any potential future children of yours, I am mainly thinking about your own safety right now. The fact you message a bi blog and talk about wanting to date women tells me that you’re not straight. It’s really not good for your mental health to stay in a relationship with such a person. Bi- and pansexual women are much more likely to be victims of intimate partner abuse (compared to straight and lesbian women). Honey, you gotta think of yourself and put yourself first here. If he says he couldn’t fully support his children if they turned out to be queer then I do seriously wonder what he’d think of you if he knew you are not straight.

Get out of there, love! You deserve so much more! Tell him it’s not working out for you anymore. Tell him you are not happy anymore, that you fell out of love. It happens. You don’t owe him anything more than that. But really, you gotta think of your own safety and your mental health. In case you live with him then arrange for a place you can stay before breaking up and if you feel like it’s necessary ask a friend or family member to be present for the break-up (especially if you think he might get violent).

I understand you are still attached to him and what you had together; I’m also not saying all the good times you had together are meaningless and you should condemn them. But you don’t sound like someone who is still happy and at the most basic level that’s all that a relationship should be about: being happy together. If that’s not the case then it’s unfair to the both of you to drag this out any longer than need be.

As for your mutual friend group…. “He has said before that he would not be able to remain in the friend group if we ever broke up because it would be too painful for him”…. again, might just be me but this reads a lot like he’s manipulating you with a statement like that. He’s making you feel bad for him so that you keep staying with him out of pity. That’s emotional blackmail.He’s basically saying “if you leave me I will have no friends” and expecting you to make sure that doesn’t happen because he’s emotionally immature. If he’s not able to be an adult about a break-up and get over it then that’s his own fault.

Yes, sometimes friend circles break apart after a break-up. It sucks. It happens. That’s exactly why it’s so important to have your own friends and hobbies outside of a romantic relationship so that when you break up you’re not left there standing in the rain with nothing.

And if these friends distance themsleves from you then you will find new ones. You say you’re in a very gay college - sounds like a good place to meet new people and make friends who aren’t queerphobic gaslighting assholes.

Maddie

[the-cryptographer]

For the yugioh ask meme - 9, 13, 18, 23, 31!

Thank you!! 9 and 13 got answered already. In my ‘ask’ tag if you’re interested  x’)

18. A random headcanon

Ah, I have so many at this point,lol. A lot of them really kind of spring up in the process of writing fic, andwhat I think makes sense and carries weight for that story so *shrugs*

There are some things I more or lessaccept as permanent facets of the characters, hmm:

Things about how Jounouchi’sgang life with Hirutani went, and how it ended. And how Jounouchi feels aboutthat, and how Honda helped and encouraged him in this huge way that Jounouchi couldn’t even acknowledge at the time and still struggles with acknowledging during canon. Experimental sexual encounter with Honda inmiddle school is also one of a few things about Jounouchi’s sexual history that’skind of permanently burned into my brain at this point as something that definitely happened.

Things about how Seto’s relationshipwith Gouzaburou went. I guess you could say I’ve crafted headcanons about how andfor what purpose Gouzaburou intended to mold Seto, and how and where heundermined his own motivations, but still ultimately succeeded. heh, I keepimagining Gouzaburou sitting on a recliner in hell, watching Seto build andopen Death-T and just shaking his head with such disdain. “What is all this? A death theme park? How is this going to monetiseproperly? How is this going to sustain Kaiba Corp? Seto. Seto. Papa taught youbetter than this~”And Seto’s just like, “fuckyou, I can build a death theme park and wear belts on my arms and piss awayyour whole estate and die penniless in a ditch if I want to – you can’t stopme.”Caught between a rock and a hard place, Seto. If you succeed at lifeand work you’ll only be doing what your abuser wants, but if you fail you’llonly be miserable. It’s your choice, with only your life on the line here :v

And, I guess Yami Malik not beinggone from Malik’s psyche post-canon is a headcanon? going from what canon’s seemingintent is in how it presents the end of Battle City, I think we’re meant to thinkthat Yami Malik is and Malik’s hateful feelings are gone(?) But I’m not surehow seriously anyone takes that? idk, I certainly don’t take it seriously.

None of these are fun headcanons,lol. idk, it can be a headcanon that Mai comes into town and treats everyone todim sum, right? Just imagine the whole gang eating dim sum. Imagine Jounouchiand Honda and Shizuka having a chopstick battle over the last shrimp dumpling.And then continuing to fight, over the gai lan this time, even though Honda doesn’t even like it.

31. Favorite duel

Isis vs Seto. It’s just… socathartic, omg. I have so many feelings about what this duel meant for both thecharacters. I like how it really ricochets through Seto’s fears and hubris anddownfall and resurrection, against Isis’s stony and completely assuredconfidence that they are utterly powerless. And how Seto ultimately believes inthe power of something more personal and connecting than just raw strength, andhow that becomes the power to decide your own destiny. It’s just- very good.

The Atem vs Seto duel from Duellist Kingdom, and the Atem vs Mai duel are second and third runners up.

23. NOTP

Ah, I still don’t really think I have any? I have prettynarrow preferences regarding a number of ships, but there’s not really anythingI think in abstract I’m really never up for seeing some portrayal of? In termsof ships I see regularly enough on trips around tumblr and fanfic land that I’mkind of full of mixed feelings on… the rest is under the cut:

I can’t say I find myself super interested in Atem/Yuugi. I don’t reallyunderstand myself, but I’ve even kind of been randomly and viscerally squicked at times byportrayals of them kissing or preforming sex acts on one another (as opposed topreforming sex acts on someone else in each other’s general vicinity, lol).Which is really bizarre, since I’m a big fan of emblematik’s fic and own agrand total of one R18 doujin about them. So, idk, there’s nothing objectionable about it in the slightest. But I seem to heavily preferAtem and Yuugi being platonic in most cases for some reason?

I’m also not really fond of the vast majority of Ryou/YamiMalik interpretations. I’m not really that fond of Yami Malik in a completelyseparate body and as a completely separate entity that’s not at all amanifestation of Malik prime’s emotional needs (or vice versa, really). I kindof consider Malik and Yami Malik a package deal, so I’m not really especiallykeen on seeing one ship dealt with in absentia of the other. And, even if I was,I kind of think Malik and Yami Bakura are better developed characters that canbe used to cover a lot of the messy Ryou ship dynamics, well, better. But- I really, reallylike (platonic or nonplatonic) angstshipping, and I do consider (platonicor nonplatonic) Ryou/Yami Malik a facet of that. A facet that can reap reallyinteresting results. And so I want to see a lot more of Ryou and the Maliks butmaybe not in the way I see the fandom usually be about them.

And, idk, it seems like I’ve had a lot of salty af feelingsabout Isis/Mai. I don’t know. I am (1) very overly invested in Mai being reallytraumatised by Yami Malik’s behaviour towards her, (2) very overly invested inMalik being held accountable as (at the very least) complicit in Yami Malik’sbehaviour, (3) very overly invested in Mai being allowed to never forgive Malikever, and (4) very overly invested in Isis and Rishid being there to supportMalik and be on his team basically regardless of how bad he’s fucked up ateverything ever. These four points feed right into so much that I love aboutBattle City and DOMA, and somewhere in them is a pretty big conflict ofinterest that kind of prevents Isis/Mai and Mai/Rishid from not being superfucked up on some level. And, idk, I don’t really see a lot of super fucked upportrayals of them? Which is fine, I guess? I think my four points up there areperhaps overly specific readings of the text? But they all kind of lead me tohaving a kneejerk reaction against the ships bc my insect brain goes: ‘this ispressuring a woman to get over her abuse and pretend it didn’t happen’. Whichis something I’m familiar as with per my personal life, which is kind ofuncomfortable. Which makes me want desperately to read a Isis/Mai fic aboutgaslighting, and them dealing with dissimilar approaches to their own abuserecovery and erroneously expecting the other to be on the same page, and eventually beingable to understand each other and knowing their relationship needs a lot of distancein places and that’s sad but it still might be something worth holding onto? SoI guess I’m back to shipping it again, except I have to write it myself orsomething, idk.(except i also understand that everyone i unabashedly ship Maiwith is a tiny baby and that has its own potential problems – just ones ihaven’t had to live with? idk, why doesn’t ygo canon have any passionate,hot-blooded adult people i want to ship Mai with? Vivian, you are my onlysalvation.)

idk, I don’t like Mokuba/Shizuka either. except it might befine if somebody convinced me Mokuba and Shizuka could connect on a meaningfullevel that wasn’t just ‘making JouKai drama happen’. and i don’t likeHonda/Shizuka either. except i do like it, because I like Honda/Otogi/Shizukatriad. except I’ve never read any Honda/Shizuka by itself that wasn’t justuncomfortably assuming that Shizuka would get with Honda and not dealing withthe fact that Honda is an entitled lying liar who should question just what it ishe feels entitled to, and why. andwhat kind of relationship he’ll be participating in, and why. smh.

And I have a hard time seeing Atem being attracted to Anzuin canon, so I’m not big on shipping them, but it wouldn’t drive me away fromsomething either? Anzu/Atem: why not? and i used to feel sort of ‘why not?’ but not super interested inAtem/Kaiba. but then I gotangry at antishippers and then I talked to rainstormcolors too much, and now Ikind of ship it. Except I still get the feeling that most people who ship itaren’t really looking for the same dynamic in it that I’m really looking for.Which is, when I think about it, the exact same problem I have with JouKai(except slightly less bad, bc JouKai is much trashier). So I’ve done a 180degree turn here from notp problems to otp problems because for me they are thesame problems. always the same problems.

ETA: Itoccurs to me I probably could have added Seto/Shizuka to this list. Myunderstanding of Seto is that he’s someone who wouldn’t be at all compassionateabout her no-money, abuse, and disability problems. And my understanding ofShizuka is that she’s someone that would take that keenly to heart in arelationship. But, oh noes, once more I have read at least one fic for thisship that I liked. And I kind of like the idea of fucked up Season Zero Seto/Shizuka a lot too ;_;

Thank you again for the ask x)

[notesoftruth]

So, a couple weeks ago now I sent some asks to deadcatwithaflamethrower, and things blew up. Included in all that somewhere was a PTSD attack. I stepped back and haven’t addressed things because, if I was even partly the cause, I didn’t want to make it worse.

A friend stepped up to be a go-between, asking if I can apologize for what happened. The latest word was no word. I’m making my public apology post now, but have chosen not to tag any parties because I haven’t been told they’re okay with seeing anything from me. Under the cut for length.

Firstly, I am so fucking sorry. The way things went and the way people took what I said was not what I was trying to say at all. Looking back I can see lots of places I fucked things up that led people to hear things I didn’t mean to say.

I started my first ask saying “It’s certainly not my place”. I meant this to be a nod to flamethrower being perfectly entitled to ignore me. And I somehow forgot as I wrote it that this is a common preface to a passive-voice order or a snide comment in the US.

Next, “nitpick”. I hate this choice so much looking back on it now, bc it planted the idea that was I indeed nitpicking. I meant “not my place to argue with what you have written.” I love flamethrower’s stuff. The world she creates are beautiful, no argument. If something doesn’t fit together in my head, that’s on me.

I ended my first ask with “Bringing this up gives me hives, but I'm also weirded out every time I read you listing casualties, so.” There’s several things here, so I’ll try to explain.

Drougnor, in conjunction with a post about abusive language, pointed out that “gives me hives” is passive-aggressive manipulation. I am so sorry for this. When I wrote this, and mentioned it again later, I was thinking about my emotions. I was thinking “I’m afraid of being that person that we all hate in flamethrower’s askbox.” I was not thinking about how in manipulation it means “I’m hurting myself to do this, so you should make it up to me.” I’m sorry.

Next, “so”. In my head I was conveying a shrug, a sense of “I don’t know what to do about this.” I was trying to convey, without pressure, that I was hoping flamethrower’s response could give me an idea of how to resolve my difficulty, while also acknowledging that it is my personal problem. The problem is not on her, it’s on me, but hearing her responses has been helpful in the past.

Looking back on my second ask, I admit that I messed up. I thought a conversation could be started about the word and our differing contexts for it, to learn more about it, but my tone was completely off. I used some phrases that I cringe to look at now in different lights, and I’m so sorry for how it sounds. I was taking a complicated line of reasoning into a single ask, and my phrasing was horrible. “I don’t think you believe” was a bad choice that I can see now people could interpret with a tone of “well I suppose maybe (but also maybe not)”.

I read the snarkiness in flamethrower’s response to my first ask as cheerful enough that it let me believe this would a topic it’s okay to talk with her about. Gaining some insight into her context for the word seemed to me like a fascinating prospect. Offering my own experience and its effects as a starting place only seemed appropriate. I completely failed to realize that I didn’t actually ask a single question, and that many hours would have elapsed between her reply and my second ask, making it come out of nowhere.

My context cues were all over the place, and I see now that my thought process was not obvious to others at all. I completely failed in getting out of my own emotional tone and checking what it might sound like in other tones. Most of all, I regret how I ended the ask.

“I don’t think you would make that kind of worldbuilding mistake.” Oh god, reading this again I can see why this would sound like gaslighting. What I was trying to convey here was my respect for flamethrower. Her stories are beautiful. Period. I have never had a problem with her worldbuilding or her creative choices. Seeing that last line and seeing how it can be interpreted as “you built this wrong” is horrible. With flamethrower, if something in her worldbuild is a so-called “mistake”, I always know it’s because I’m missing something. It’s a sign I need to reread bc I’m forgetting things.

Morgynleri pointed out that this entire casualties thing could indeed be part of the worldbuild, and explained it pretty well. It was something I hadn’t thought of before and was a positive of this. My response to them was both trying to fan the positivity and defensive, and not something I feel is appropriate to get into here. I am sorry for the defensiveness though.

Upon reflecting on this whole fiasco, especially weeks later, I can see where I messed up. The more time that has passed since it happened, the more I have able to see it how others saw it, and the more horrified I have become that I ever ever thought it was an ok thing to send. I will do my best to make sure that I don't do something like that again. I am just so sorry that this managed to hit all the wrong notes the way it did.