#i genuinely missed the tumblr shinee community

[taeminning]

hi c:

[peculiarbeauty]

not to be gay on main but i am going to be gay on main. it's positivity post time !!! i just wanted to shout out a couple amazing people who have become ultra close to me ( or were ultra close in the past and we reconnected hehe ) this is just a few names, i don't have time unfortunately to write a message for everyone on the dash but please please know that you are special to me if you are a follower. this is never in a particular order.

@seachant - NINI i love you. you are such a breath of fresh air. genuinely a twinkling star that just happened to fall in my vicinity. lucky me tbh. thank you for giving me the chance to be friends with you and write on multiple different blogs with you. writing with your ariel here was such a DREAM of mine. i remember seeing your blog around and just adoring it. we did write previously when i wrote in the fandom but we never became close pals like we are now. seeing your posts makes my day. i'm really happy we are friends.

@dragetunge - MY DEAREST KRIS. we've been through a couple rocky roads together now but we stick together. it's really nice to talk to you. you are the reason i got into httyd. so thank you for that. i wouldn't have took the time if it wasnt for you and I REALLY NEEDED TO. you are essentially the dragon enthusiast of tumblr. i mean that like. literally. when i think of dragon enthusiasts i think of you. fgckjkfg I LOVE YOU SO MUCH KRIS. i cant wait to actually show you my island on dreamlight when it is a fully decked out like yours.

@solehr - sef, i miss you. i cant wait for you to come back and see that i wrote this for you kffdjdf i cannot forget you on this list. you and nini were the first disney blogs to welcome me. thank you for being my friend and allowing me to send you that ghibli movie dkffdj it's been such a pleasure knowing you. i hope for many more memories together. :)

@swevene - DEAREST KELSEY .. my belovedddd. i love our convos even when we are busy for an extended period of time. you check on me every so often and its really an honor to consider you a friend. thank you for being there, i really appreciate it. i hope we have many more memories !!! your beast is so important to my belle, i have to tell you. <3

@oudachi - aka my favorite ark .. in all locations of your blogs .. i could tag literally all of them rn but im not going to dkfjdf we joke about how we always come back together over the years. it doesn't really ??? matter how long we don't talk bc fate brings us back. our first meeting was back in 2015 and i remember you were the realest person i had ever met on this site. that has not changed. i think that more folks should understand how brilliant you are .. not only as a writer , but as a friend. you never leave people out. i've been left out before and it's a very terrible feeling. thank you for allowing me into your circle again after a bit of time of not talking. we picked up like it was such a short time of us not chatting like we were bffs again. i can't begin to tell you how grateful i am. seeing you thrive as well OH MAN .. i love that.

@chainmemories - toma, at this point it has to be obvious but when i came back .. you were the first to show me great excitement. making a blog after an extended leave on the site is a scary thing. it is like walking into the lion's den tbh dkfjfk plus there were a ton of big changes to tumblr so i didn't know where to start. it was scary. you wrote cuphead at this time. i've grown to really love cuphead and many other things because of you. playing mario party at least weekly is such a GENUINE pleasure. you make me feel like i have a place in the community. i can't begin to tell you how grateful i am that you are here and backing me up. i also hope that you know you are this shining star of every community you go into. there is not a community you haven't touched that you haven't left your mark on. of course my precious toma is the sunshine protag lover .. but he is also the sunshine protag in my opinion. i don't take criticism. I LOVE YOU.

@ghostbustingreen - spooky, I LOVE YOU. being in the posse with toma and you has been so so wonderful. i am grateful i get to talk to you on the daily about our interests. seeing you write our fav green plumber is wonderful YES YES. every muse you capture is brilliant though. i love writing with you on multiple of your blogs. simbaaaaaaaa. P.S. i am sorry for our latest party shindig where i continued to take the star away from you. i hope you can forgive me. i really hope our group goes strong for a long time because you guys always make me feel so much better.

@dnangelic - HI FAVVVV. thanks for putting up with me changing blogs on you so many times and still deciding to follow me and look forward to my muses. we are SO BACK on haru tbh. i love writing with you. you have such a grasp on your muse and i don't even know him that well. i wish i knew MORE tbh. the things that we have written though are truly precious and i look forward to future threads. i look forward to your responses truly. thanks for being my friend and also always hyping me up.

@matryochka - i cannot forget my favorite hype queen. dottie, you and i met in dc. you decided to follow me on my other blogs and genuinely messaged me when i was inactive there saying pretty much where tf are u dfkdjkfd WHICH I LOVE THAT. i wish more people would show interest in mutuals they care about that way. im trying to recruit you into our disney princess line up . it'll happen i know it. please know i love you so much. our little conversations are everything to me.

@jokethur - jess .. my beloved. also a hype queen and someone i met in dc. i love you. we don't talk too much rn but you are forever important to me. our conversations got me through some really dark points in my life and i can't begin to say how grateful i am for that. i hope that we have many more memories of chatting. always know i am here and ready to chat. we could stop talking for months and pick up just like that. that's how strong our friendship is <333 i love you. AND GIVE DIX A KISS FOR ME.

@pearlcure - DIORRRR my beloved. being your friend is a true genuine pleasure. IT IS PREDESTINED WE MET. we write the best girls out there. good for us. i love our convos and i love how real you are about everything. your graphics, writing, everything ABOUT YOU is amazing. im grateful we are friends and i hope for many more years together !!

@story-magic - AKA ALL OF YOUR BLOGS HERE AS WELL .. but my darling sleepy. i call you sleepy. i know that you have a name but you will forever by my favorite sleepy sloth. you keep things fair for us in the game. if i ever get down on my luck in party, you try to even the odds for me. i am so so grateful to be your friend. i know i don't tell you enough over discord and the like and you leave me a bunch of cute messages to make my day, but BEING YOUR FRIEND IS A TRUE PLEASURE i've gotta tell ya. i'm really happy we are so close !!! <3 i hope for many more memories.

@0brighta - big shoutout to you, ettie. <3 i know we arent super close but you putting me in your little shoutout post made me really feel so grateful. your blog is this shining, brilliant star. i mean that. like, DANG. shine bright like a diamond. i see that people love you and there is a reason for this believe me - you are so pure. so good natured. i wish more people were like you with their mutuals. letting people know that they matter is something a lot of people do not do tbh. you do that. thank you. <3

@naru-uzumaki - NOODLES .. we are back in action after such a long time of not talking. you and i were close back in 2016 i think?? somewhere close to there. when i saw your blog pop back up in my recommended, I LITERALLY RAN TO FOLLOW because i missed you so much. you are still this positive radiant little sun on the dash .. much like your muse. i am bias absolutely but. your writing and your heart for our favorite ramen lover is such a pleasure to witness. never ever change please. <3

[infisonicosm-moved]

Can I pour my heart out to y’all for a little bit?

I was talking with some friends over the weekend about how GVF tumblr was when we first joined. There were barely any fic writers, and the few that were here rotated our postings so we wouldn’t overlap each other and everyone got their moment to shine. It wasn’t a competition for who could get more notes, there wasn’t much anon hate(it was genuinely far and in between). It was the most accepted and involved I’ve ever felt in a community.

Today, our community has grown so much and while I’m so thrilled for it I’m also mournful. Things have been quiet lately and it’s almost unnerving. It feels like we’re all walking on eggshells, scared to piss someone off, and I hate that for us.

This time last year everyone was excited about DIG, finding groups they can go with, talking about outfits, sharing theories about set lists and what we hoped to hear, it felt like we were still in harmony.

A lot of OG blogs have left but that doesn’t mean we can’t get back to where we once were. I miss seeing everyone interacting and getting along. I’m sad that we all have to worry about saying one slight wrong thing that will get us jumped at.

And I’m not trying to sound holier than thou, I’m just as guilty of participating. I just miss how things used to be. I hate how tense it is all the time. Twitter is ultimately right, we’re cliqued up and snotty to one another. It always feels like a pissing contest, and I feel so bad seeing people try to engage with us all and get ignored. It’s not fair to new comers, and it’s not a good look on us as a section of this fandom that preaches about being the most sane.

Can we all agree to collectively do better and help build this space back to its glory? We deserve it and need it. But we can only get there if we work together.

This is my promise to do better and be better. I hope others will join me on this 🤍 I love y’all.

[27emailsicantsend]

Kourtney and/or Ashlyn for the character ask please

Since it’s for two separate characters, I’ll do two separate posts, so come back later for Ashlyn’s :)

But here is Kourtney’s!

Favorite thing about them: Oh, for sure her confidence. To me confidence isn’t about having fear, but being willing to push through the fear and she does this time and time again. From her anxiety to her fear of telling Howie she liked him to her fear of trying singing in front of everyone, she has been able to muster up the courage to push through. She inspired me to be more proud of who I am and try new things, even if there is a risk of failing

Least favorite thing about them: I actually have two for this one.

1) sometimes the way they make her act/sing/dance in the show is a little… immature? Like when she is singing BTBB or Fabulous they made her do some really over the top dance moves that made me genuinely feel like I was watching a kids show, so I cringed a little. That’s not on Dara though, that is 100% the directing.

2) I don’t like that they made her basically the “funny black best friend” in season 1. This is a common stereotyped trope in a lot of tv and I know the black community has fought hard to put these characters in less degrading roles. (I’m not black, so if you have more questions about this or want to learn more, I would highly suggest learning from someone of color- there are a lot of incredible resources, even here on tumblr). It has been a fantastic breath of fresh air to see Kourtney really start to shine as her own character as opposed to Nini’s sidekick since s2.

Favorite line(s): (how in the world was I supposed to choose just one; Kourtney is iconic)

“I can’t be the first to die. I’m too smart and hot for that… unless I’m already dead. And if you’re first, then that would make the writer kind of homoph-“

“Cute duck!”

“Yeah we’re going to jail!”

“He’s staring at a tree, right?”

“Of course he’s confident. A cis straight dude with a paper-thin résumé?… you missed almost all the words I said, huh?”

OTP: Jetney 💛🐥

nOTP: Kowie 🤢

brOTP: Kourtney and Carlos

Something I expect from them season 4 (if applicable): I wrote an entire post about what I believe will happen with Kourtney here, but I really think she will play out that Sharpay/jealous of Gabriella getting the lead role. When Gina gets the lead, it will cause a rifle in their friendship. I also think that Jet will follow her around like Zeke.

Random Headcanon: I don’t know how much it is of a headcanon per-say, but I think we missed a lot of moments of her and Jet getting to know each other. I think they probably got really close at Camp Shallow Lake, but it was shown off screen so we’d be surprised in the doc. All their touching, talking, Jet being “team Kourtney” in the background leads me to believe they were developing a relationship off screen

Unpopular Opinion: Outside of S1, it is very unbelievable that Kourtney and Nini are best friends. Even while Olivia was a main s2, her arc was so Ricky focused, Kourt was out of the picture a lot. I kind of wish they either would have kept up with them being close or just made Kourtney her own main from the get go (and look how loved she is now! She was only supposed to be in one episode!)

Song I associate with them: Black Magic by Little Mix

Favorite picture of them: so technically it’s from a video but I was obsessed with everything about it when Dara dropped it!! Absolutely bodied Sharpay. Literally it’s such a pretty video that if Kourtney took it, Jet would be on his hands and knees begging for mercy.

[msindotheophilusa]

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[echotunes]

c!tubbo appreciation post

it's the anniversary of tubbo joining the dsmp, so here's some general ramblings about why c!Tubbo Good

cc!Tubbo is great at acting and i appreciate him so much. his line deliveries are amazing. c!Tubbo has said some of my favourite lines on the SMP. "best of luck!" (x), "yourself" (x 56:08), "this is checkmate" (x 56:46), the entirety of the "selfish" speech (x 1:03:18), "The discs don't matter, Tommy! How can you not see that?" (x 47:04), "Hey Big Q! Look what I found" (x 10:14), the scene where he yells at Quackity for wanting to execute Ranboo (x 1:23:46), the whole "it's been a lot of fucking fun" scene with Tommy right before the election results are announced (x).... THERE'S SO MUCH GOOD STUFF. the checkmate line was improvised. like holy shit

his story is just so interesting. he went from just Some Guy, to child revolutionary soldier, to secretary of state, to a dictator's right hand man and also a spy, to president, to married man living with his piglin son and being periodically visited by his former political rival/cabinet member/now husband in his own little commune that also happens to be concealing nuclear weapons. like where else can you get a character like this

seriously i made a post about this a while ago and it's one of my most popular tumblr posts i've ever made so a lot of people have probably already seen it but he's just so cool. he's gay married. he has a son. he's funny. he has a sword named checkmate. he has nukes. what is there not to love

speaking of nukes he's so smart?? like this is obviously also partially cc!Tubbo shining through but this man was canonically able to invent nukes. i fully choose to believe he invented canonical skype and the nokia phones that can run it.

AGAIN HIS SWORD IS (was?) NAMED CHECKMATE. GIRLBOSS. RECLAIM THAT CHESS MOTIF <3

he's been through so much. manberg spy arc. hhholy shit. i adore the new l'manberg/exile arc so much and a huge reason for that is Tubbo. his acting when talking about missing Tommy is so good

his relationship with c!Tommy. they've been through so much together. the entirety of season 2 just. ow. that bit where Techno and Tommy went to visit nlm to get techno's weapons back and Tubbo like. reached out to Tommy when they were leaving (x 1:00:07). it was just a minecraft punch in his direction but i'm interpreting that as him reaching out and refuse to believe otherwise. that bit after the Green Festival when they part ways. the entirety of the disc finale. aaaaa

his relationship with c!Ranboo. they went from political rivals, to working together in the nlm cabinet, where they were already kinda friends but still somewhat distant, to better friends to the point where Tubbo believed Ranboo was the only truly loyal member of nlm (x). Ranboo was so fucking upset when Tubbo got the memory book at the Green Festival because Tubbo was "the closest person he had" and he would "never get the way Tubbo looked at him out of his head" (x 1:44:58). and now they're fucking married with an adopted son. they're genuinely one of my favourite relationships on the entire SMP it's so fucking interesting

his relationship with c!Quackity. they've been through so much together and now they're on opposite sides of a conflict that's driven by forces that were shaped by the things they went through together (-> Manberg). cabinetduo. there's so many things about their relationship i just. man.

Tubbo is so fucking funny. this is also just a cc!Tubbo thing but it still deserves a mention. teach him about the political climate of berlin. he wants to know

just his entire characterisation is so good. he goes non-verbal in stressful situations (-> the entirety of Doomsday, Wilbur's revival, a ton of stuff). he's so self-sacrificing to the point that he was completely okay with tommy letting him die for the discs (x 38:10 and 55:03) and jumped in front of a firework for Tommy at Doomsday (x 55:47) and said he'd rather "take himself out of the equation" than choose between ranboo and tommy (x) and put a fucking dead man's switch in his nukes. he takes shit other people say to him to heart (like Dream being absolutely shit to him at the Green Festival) and has terrible self-esteem as a result. he represses his emotions to hell and back.

there's just so many interesting little things about Tubbo's character. he collected old books in his little secret bunker back in manberg. he builds lots of bunkers and tunnels and shit. he canonically consumes drugs/alcohol sometimes. that gets overlooked a lot

I could go on and on and on but I think you get the point. c!Tubbo is my absolute favourite character on the Dream SMP and these are only some of the reasons why

[yanderemommabean]

Hey momma, I sent in ask a while ago about having read through almost all of your tags as far as tumblr would let me (and you expressed concern for my mental well being in return 😂).

I noticed that throughout a lot of your posts, you ask for feedback, appreciation and such. Now, I can’t see into your inbox so I’m not sure if you get as much as you should; but I’m going to try and put into words my appreciation for this blog.

Momma, you have such a unique writing style. It brings me genuine joy to read every time. In your more detailed/darker works, you create such an intense atmosphere that literally has me holding my breath. Your smut makes me blush and squirm to read, because you just hit every note, tick every box to make it work.

That’s not even to mention the shining star of your personality. You treat everyone so kindly, with such a friendly tone even in the written word, and even when you only use one-sentence or one-word replies, there is such a welcoming aura to everything you post.

This isn’t an insult to other yandere writers, but I find that so many of them get caught up in the horror and cruelty of it all. You’re one of, if not the only blog I can consistently turn to and find a balance of darkness and sweetness. Perhaps this is just a me thing, but I think a lot of your other fans will agree with me, you appeal to a side of the yandere genre that no one else really does. At least not as well as you.

I guess, all in all, what I’m getting at is that you are incredible. Don’t let those other people in your life get at you, I can assure you, you will be sorely missed. Not just for your writing style, or your kindness or appeal (or even your gorgeous face🥰) but for you, and the shining example of a human being you are.

@----@ I'm not good at accepting compliments like this, but thank you so much for this bean. It really makes me feel like my works aren't just some regular, fill in the blanks scenario that anyone can do, and helps me see that you beans really do enjoy the atmosphere and hard work I put into writing for you!

Being told how my works make you feel, helps guide me as well so i continue to produce more and even better scenarios in the future!

I'm glad I'm a welcoming presence on here as well, the whole reason I started this place was because I wanted people to feel welcomed and that it was more than just a blog, but a community of sorts.

Having you all here makes me happy, and proud even, because I feel we've really grown and bonded and it's growing even more into something wonderful! Who knows what the future will bring!

I mean it when I say I love you beans, I wouldn't be here without you all!

-Mommabean

[kindness-ricochets]

I’ve been seeing a lot of thoughts and hc of autistic wylan lately and you seem to also be a fan of the concept. May I ask why? Exactly? I could definitely kinda see it but wanna hear you thoughts you’re always so eloquent

Hey there anon! Sorry for the delay—I’m guessing you already found an answer to this elsewhere while I was off Tumblr for a bit, but just in case, here are my thoughts. This will be heavily personal, but… well, you can’t very well ask an autistic person about autism and expect neutrality!

Autism is different for everyone and can be difficult to pin down, so while Wylan is arguably autistic, he misses several beats that for me would have made him definitively and undeniably autistic. For example, when the bells start to ring, triggering black protocol—I work in a place with a lot of bells and am frequently caught too close to one and normally press my hands over my ears until it’s over because that sound is like shrapnel raking across my insides. All of them. Not just the ear and brain parts. Wylan doesn’t have that sort of visceral reaction, but that may just mean he doesn’t have the same sensitivities that I do, or to the same level. He also never, that I recall, eats meat—as weird as that might sound, eating meat is incredibly complicated with heightened sensitivities to taste and texture. I’m not sure how old I was when I realized it was strange to get up from the table to spit out my food because it viscerally repulsed me. So it might be that Wylan is autistic and has different experiences than I do. Those are things I would include in a story as major indicators of a character being autistic. This might also mean that his father’s way of raising him taught him to hide unusual reactions and stimming behaviors. It’s not that much of a reach to assume a man who tried to abuse the dyslexia out of his son would take the same approach to autism. (More on autism and abuse later.)

So while I’m going to lay out why I read Wylan as autistic, that’s why I think it’s valid to read him as not being autistic as well. Both are valid.

A final caveat, I am well overdue for a reread of the books, so I likely left something out or could have found better examples. Take this as a few of my reasons for a personal headcanon. Anyone who feels differently, that's fine! We can each read things our own way :)

1 - Hyperfixation: The way Wylan loves music

Most of the Crows’ backgrounds color how they see the world: Kaz’s shrewdness, Matthias’s tactical thinking and superstition, Inej’s faith and Suli wisdom, etc. That’s a sign of good character writing. But very little of Wylan’s upbringing seems to have influenced how he sees the world. It comes closest when he thinks about how his father would scorn his new friends, but we never see that scorn from Wylan.

The way a hyperfixation feels, it’s like you’ve always lived in a close parallel world, never fully been a part of the other one where it seems like everyone else lives, but suddenly there’s this bright shining piece of your soul laced through the other world. It lets you connect, it lets you exist in their realm, and you can’t help but filter everything new through that lens because it’s the brightest, most wonderful thing. (I had been between hyperfixations for a while when I started a new job; six months into that work, I read Crooked Kingdom. One of my coworkers thought I had fallen in love, it was that marked a difference.)

So, combining these: Wylan never really acts like he was part of his father’s world, and indeed is in some ways separate from the other Crows, but he parses everything through music, his hyperfixation. He sets words to music to remember them, like he does with the contract. Even his own anxiety is made sense of through music, when in his first narrated chapter, he sets it to music: what am I doing here what am I doing here…. When he’s overwhelmed, his thoughts are “a jangle of misplayed chords”. The Crows have backgrounds that influence how they react to the world, but Wylan’s hyperfixation is his means of experiencing and understanding the world.

2 - Literal thinking: Wylan responds to exact words

In this post, I went into detail on the line where Wylan suggested waking up men to kill them. Wylan is generally unsupportive of killing people—Oomen, Smeet’s clerk, his father… he advocates not-murder in each of these situations. Accepting his aversion to murder, his suggestion to wake men up and kill them seems like a genuine reaction to Jesper saying he doesn’t want to kill unconscious men. Wylan takes things literally.

This happens the most with Jesper, probably because Jesper talks to Wylan the most. Nina and Matthias don’t really register him past how he might be useful, Inej is usually quite direct, and Kaz is very deliberate when he speaks with Wylan. This really interests me because Kaz tends to vary his speech more than the others do, he adapts more to being around other people. He jokes a little with Jesper, spars with Nina, speaks more openly and more sharply with Inej, and he’s precise with Wylan. Kaz may not know what autism is, but he recognizes what’s effective with Wylan.

Another example is when Wylan is sketching the Ice Court plans and Jesper says it looks like a cake. There are plenty of valid responses here: pointing out that concentric circles look like lots of things, that it’s just a sketch, telling Jesper to stop looking over his shoulder. Instead, Wylan says that the Ice Court is sort of like a cake. That… doesn’t sound like something Wylan would normally say. He’s not addressing the whole situation, he’s addressing the specific words Jesper said.

One of the most heartbreaking examples of this (to me, anyway) is with Marya. Wylan does the same thing with his mother, when she asks if he’s there for her money and says she hasn’t got any, and his response is, “I don’t either.” We understand as readers that what Marya is communicating here is that she is so accustomed to being utterly ignored unless she is being used, and if she told Wylan that no one visited but to take advantage and she assumed he was here for the same reason, he would say it wasn’t the case. But he just responds to the immediate statement.

There are a lot of examples of this.

3 — 0% perception, 100% creativity

Wylan can identify things that don’t make sense or that he doesn’t understand, but at the beginning of the series he can’t make leaps, only ask questions. On the Ferolind, he wonders about the source of water at the Ice Court; though Kaz doesn’t say as much, he was clearly wondering, too, because he eventually figured out the underground river. There’s an interesting parallel here where, in the beginning of Crooked Kingdom, Wylan asks a question about how they’ll break into Smeet’s and Kaz tells him to use his eyes instead of running his mouth—at which point Wylan is able to figure it out. I don’t think this is because he never tried before, though, but because no one ever bothered to teach him. Kaz can be harsh but he gives harsh corrections rather than harsh rejections and Wylan learns from him.

It’s hard to understand the world for people with autism. The world is designed and run by and for people whose minds are fundamentally different from ours, whose thoughts and experiences are unlike ours. Imagine trying to learn English or Spanish or Mandarin or any other spoken language if your first language was olfactory. That’s sort of what it’s like for someone with autism to just get dropped into the world and expected to figure this out.

This can be attributed to Wylan’s upbringing, but I disagree with that because none of the others were brought up in the Barrel, either, and Wylan doesn’t understand trade or politics with any special skill. Kaz wasn’t born in the Barrel, but he managed to go from “stealing is wrong” to “wrong isn’t my concern” real quick; Colm Fahey didn’t raise his son on gambling and firefights; the Ghafas never expected their daughter to be away from the family. Only Nina has relevant training—and even that’s precious little, she left school way too early. The others figured it out; Wylan needed a bit more help. He also seems surprised by the way his father conducts business. Wylan takes things on face value—like the time he’s surprised someone would do something, simply because it’s unlawful. This is something he expresses to a group of gangsters. He’s never been taught the way of any world and these things are not intuitive to him.

But Wylan isn’t stupid.

He doesn’t know how to understand the world, but he does understand how things go together. Given a pointy diamond, a handle, and a screw, he cut through Grisha glass. He carries flashbangs and magic napalm, he recreates military hardware—Wylan understands how to make things interact for a specific result. But to me the most telling thing isn’t just that he puts together chemical pieces, it’s that he figured out Jesper controlled bullets. He saw the pieces and put them together.

Wylan can understand when things don’t make sense, but he can’t make sense of them—yet when he understands things at their basic level, he understands them without preconception, for what they are. This is a very autistic way of thinking about things, it goes back to the literalism. He can’t make the leaps of logic other people can, but he also doesn’t make the assumptions they do—“I’ve never heard of a bullet Grisha, so that’s not a thing” vs “Well Jesper’s an almost impossibly good shot and he controls metal and bullets are metal, so why not?”

4 - Broken brain/body connection

Wylan’s great at chemistry and drawing and playing flute or piano—but he’s something of a disaster other times. This is in particular contrast to the other characters, all of whom are physically adept. Meanwhile it’s a challenge for Wylan to climb a rope ladder and he spends a full paragraph trying to figure out what to do with his hands. It’s easy to say, well, he’s used to a sedentary lifestyle, but at this point he’s not. He’s worked in the tannery for months. He’s just physically awkward.

I have less to say on this point only because it’s about something I don’t fully understand myself. I don’t really understand what it would be like to have a body that just… does things? Like normal stuff? Without tics and stims. No idea. Only that Wylan’s discomfort in and seeming lack of mastery of his own body feels very relatable to me.

5 - Abuse

One of the most familiar things about Wylan is how he has been so thoroughly abused and broken down that he’s afraid to do or say much of anything. Again, this is a place his background can be an obscuring factor. Of course Wylan didn’t think to blow up the walls when the first met the parem-juiced jurda and got trapped, he’s a spoiled rich kid! Except, he also startled when Jesper said his name later. Wylan didn’t hesitate because he was spoiled, he hesitated because he had no confidence.

He also thinks Kaz would laugh at him for playing music at his mother’s grave. Now, personally, I can’t see Kaz laughing at Wylan—being indifferent, thinking it’s pointless sentimentality, shaking his head, maybe commenting sharply that they need to go if they don’t have the time. But not laughing. Kaz is a snarky, sharp-edged jerk sometimes, but he doesn’t go out of his way to criticize, he just lets people know when they inconvenience him.

Wylan has been trained to identify attention as negative by an overbearing abusive father who literally saw him as less favorable than a demon. Now, that may have been hyperbole, but Jan criticized everything he could about Wylan—art, music, emotion—and made clear that he was worthless and competent to nothing. (Jan Van Eck can suck a rotten donkey dick but that’s neither here nor there.)

A lot of people with autism experience levels of bullying that have similar impacts. Or as the kids these days are calling it: we go to school. We go to school where we are weird. Where we look weird and move weird and talk about weird things and there’s a whole little bevy of asswipes to makes sure we know it. I got teased more for playing Pokemon and sitting alone reading than the kid who pissed himself onstage at assembly. (This was before Pokemon was cool. I’m old.) And that is not unusual for autistic kids. It’s also not unusual for this to be compounded by relatives or even parents who may be trying to help but don’t understand and can make things even harder.

So we can’t read social cues and we’re taught at a vicious age that everything that comes naturally to us is wrong. Imagine trying to interact in society with that background. There is no guide and most advice from neurotypical people isn’t actually what they mean. It breaks you down.

Wylan’s anxiety isn’t definitive of autism, but isn’t something that was incredibly familiar as someone whose neurodivergent experiences created a strong level of anxiety.

6 — High Compassion, Low Social Competence

Wylan isn’t very good at making friends. In fact, none of the Crows likes him much in the beginning, and only some of them soften toward him by the end. (Matthias and Nina come to respect his skills as a chemist but neither seems to particularly like him.) But you can see throughout the books that Wylan wants to connect with them and be one of them, he just… isn’t. He’s off-beat. He’s weird. He asks questions and mimics behaviors (trying to be cool and tough like Jesper, saying “mission” like Matthias does, imitating Kaz’s scheming face) but he doesn’t quite get how to adapt.

But he still cares about people. Not just them. Everyone. He cares about the people they leave in the ditch outside the prison wagon, he cares about Hanna Smeet, he cares about Alys. He cares about the people who’ll take a hit from Kaz’s sugar caper.

Wylan’s awkward social skills have undeniable big autism energy. I posit his compassion does as well. This is simply who Wylan is, and that means being someone who cares about everyone. I have nothing to back up that this is related to autism. I can say that it’s like me. (Not to brag.) I can’t turn off the part of my brain that says everyone matters. Individuals can opt out of that compassion, but they have it by default. There’s a certain agony in feeling a pull toward and love for just about everyone and yet an inability to develop meaningful connections with them, and that keen loneliness… it just burns.

Again, it’s not definitive of autism, but it’s very similar to an autistic experience.

I said in the beginning that I didn’t think Wylan certainly had autism and I stand by that, but he is a powerfully honest reflection of many people who do. So he can be understood to have autism, and that’s part of the reason some people have that headcanon.

[nelliebrookstone]

( BRIANNE HOWEY, 29, CIS WOMAN, SHE/HER ) * hey, i’m looking for the office of ELEANOR ‘NELL’ BROOKSTONE. they’re the EMPLOYEE who’s known around the office as THE BURN BOOK, if that helps ? not to be a gossip, but i’ve heard that they’re SUPPORTIVE but PETTY, is that true ? i also heard that they’re the one who CRIED IN THE BATHROOM BECAUSE SOMEONE TOOK HER YOGURT. anyways, here’s the coffee they ordered.

Greetings Earthlings, my name is Asha I am simply a fellow human from planet earth looking to hang out with my cool friends at the Build-A-Bear. I’m excited to be here! I have more information on Eleanor (nellie if you know here, nell if you don’t) below the cut! If you give this a lil like I’ll slide into your exclusive tumblr DMs to plot! 

So, who is Nell? Well let me tell you. As far as most people know, Nell is a former Masters Model turned Head of Talent Management for models. She’s a mix of sweet Alabama charm and scary dead smile energy, and she always has a compact for you to borrow in her purse. Most people know she always has a perfect french manicure and knows most people by first name. You might also know she recently divorced Parker and is no longer using his last name, please do not call her Mrs. Carson she’ll cry in the bathroom and then leave you a bad yelp review. You’re not even on yelp, you say? She’ll make one for you and then leave a bad review. 

But like a curated Insta, this ain’t it folks. So buckle up. (I say this dramatically but tbh she has had a pretty stable life)

Nellie grew up in a smallish town in Alabama. If you ask her, it wasn’t small at all. But it certainly was compared to large city centers, and definitely compared to New York. It was the kind of town where everyone knew your business, and Nellie had a lot of business. 

She was a teen queen! Head cheerleader, student president, shining volunteer of the county and Lady Alabama of 2010 (not to be confused with Miss Alabama, but if you ask her it’s basically the same thing). She was very involved in her community and her parents were well known in the area for their construction company. Everyone loved her that she was like the golden child of the town.

It was a great, privileged life! Her parents got married young, had a bunch of kids, and had the means to care for them! Her parents also have a very genuine love story, still passionate about each other years later. She and her sisters (all five of them) have always wanted a life like their parents’. 

The one difference between her and her parents remained her desire to roam and see the world. She wanted to travel, or at least live in a place where she could meet new people from new places. Moving to New York seemed like a great place to get some experience, though if you ask her mother she probably got the idea from some dumb TV show. She did. It was a lot of shows. And a lot of movies. There were a ton of romantic comedies that TRULY shaped this desire. 

she started sending in applications to various schools in New York. She was an honor list student with a lot of extra-circulars and passion to be at these places that shown through on all her apps. She got many a rejection, the one from Columbia was the hardest. It was the worst thing that ever happened to her at the time, so you can imagine how her life must have been. 

She DID get accepted to NYU for Public Relations! CHEERS ALL AROUND! She was so excited. She was gonna see the world and be a big city bitch 10/10. In college, she was quickly involved in everything from various clubs, to sorority, to trying to get involved with the community. It didn’t work out as well. New York was just such a different town...in that it was...big. And she wasn’t used to that. 

But she did meet a funky guy named Parker Carson! And they fell in love! And here is a short synopsis of their relationship: 

they met at a department store. Parker looked a little lost in the dress shirt area so she helped him pick out an outfit and the rest was, as they say, history. 

they had a great relationship at first, full of love and passion and fun times. he had a pokemon tattoo, she used to play pokemon snap. what a team! 

but really, they had a great time together...which led them to get married real early. In fact, for Nell, this was even a little late. She thought she’d be married with kids by 23. 

a lot of little things led to their downfall, but it can be boiled down to not fully understanding what it takes to live with another person who doesn’t mesh with your lifestyle. A big issue for Nell was kids. She wanted them, right then and there. He didn’t! No one’s fault, but it seemed to be a block they couldn’t get over. 

they’re divorced now. it’s fresh. she’s got a lot of conflicts about it. She cannot believe she is divorced before 30. she cannot believe she doesn’t have kids by now. She is under the impression she’s run out of time for everything, which is not true at all but it’s how she feels. She’s none too fond of the man at the moment. 

But listen! Nellie is a fun girl! She’s got a lot of ~zest~ for life and likes to do new things and try new places. She’s also just as comfortable spending the day at home on the couch with everything she needs within arms reach. She seems like someone who would be into partying but that’s really not her scene. She’s a brunch girl, a drive-thru movie theater girl, and an all-day 90 day fiance girl. She has an addiction to cherry cokes and always misses her stop on the subway because she gets distracted listening to her music and zoning out. She cries a lot during sad AND happy movies and can’t eat pork because she once knew a pig named Babe (no relation to the famous babe). Her favorite animal is the octopus and she volunteers with the homeless shelter every weekend. 

All of this doesn’t really come across in her work persona. She always seems like she’s extremely put together and very good at what she does. She’s quick, snappy, and not afraid to speak her mind. She’s a master at the backhanded compliment and is the master of the delayed burn (you won’t know you’ve been roasted until she’s down the hallway). She has a very charming way of speaking with a thick southern accent and tons of sayings that no one knows the meaning of, but sometimes that Nice Southern Girl smile comes out and you know she would be stabbing you if such an act were socially acceptable. Despite this, Nellie doesn’t think she’s a mean person. 

But I’m sure there are MANY people who think she is. Because...sometimes she is! No one is perfect, and she definitely has a reputation of being a major pain in the ass if you’re on her bad side. Nell remembers EVERY slight against her. Oh, she remembers when you commented on the amount of emails she sends. She remembers when you mentioned that you thought her font type was a little too bold. She remembers it all...and stores it in her mental burn book. 

This also happens often because she is...pretty sensitive. And because she’s going through a divorce, which is NOT what she had planned for in life, she’s like a stubbed toe away from a full cry every day. She’s started to invest in waterproof mascara but it’s not working out. She really DID cry in the bathroom over her yogurt. She also came back the next day and wrote a VERY angry letter on the fridge titled ‘to the person who likes to take things that don’t belong to them, I hope your mother knows she raised a THIEF.’

As petty as she can be, she’s also a great person to have in your corner. If you’re a friend, she will fight for you to the end. She’s very loyal and will often drop whatever she’s doing if you need her. She can be very generous, no expenses spared to lift up someone she loves. If you’re a friend of hers, she’s a great friend. The kind you can call at 2 am when she’s dead asleep and she’ll still come help you move out of your shitty ex’s apartment. 

Basically, Nell is a whole lot of things. Not all of them are great. But she likes to think of herself as a good person that cares about other people. She generally is! She’s also fairly good at having heart to heart conversations, and isn’t afraid to own her mistakes if she’s not still upset about the issue. But she’ll also try to ruin your career if you steal her yogurt. Fun! 

I’ll add more as I think of it, but for now I’m here for all the plots. Best friends, enemies, the person who caught her crying in the bathroom, the person who caught her angrily scribbling her name on all her yogurt, you name it! 

[petekaos]

2020 creator wrap + a follow forever

rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

hiii hello everyone! sorry it’s taken me so long to get on this BUT it’s all for good reason! i thought i would combine this post into me sharing some of the works i am most proud of this year as well as spreading more love in this wonderful little community because i truly love you all tons and being a part of such a lovely group of people has made me beyond happy this year. it’s been a difficult year for all of us and i’m just so glad that i can give back the love and care y’all can give to me 💛

onward to spreading love to people who tagged me, in no particular order! thank you all for tagging me, it means so much and know that i have read through your posts at least twice with a smile on my face.

@wjmild: kylie!! you constantly surprise me with how kind and insightful you are, as well as your dedication to watching absolutely every show with lee thanat in it. you are so smart and educated and every time you talk about your research and your studies i can’t help but feel so incredibly proud of you. i really hope life brings you the peace and fulfillment you deserve. i love you!

@gigiesarocha: cata - it is always such a pleasure to see you on my dash. i can rely on you losing your shit over ingredients every two weeks and every time i see jeff doing things it 100% reminds me of you! you possess such a kind soul and i’m so glad to have had the pleasure of following you this year :’)

@yihwas: sometimes i still can’t believe you know who i am and that we’re grouped together, soph! your blog is such a refuge to me, i adore scrolling through your replies and laughing at all the witty things you say. you are simply so kind and thoughtful in your responses and criticism and you have such talent in gifmaking! i am forever grateful to you for introducing me to new lakorns and to you and shannon for creating @lakornladies​. 

@morksuns: sumaya! my url twin! i absolutely love seeing you on the dash, it really is that trans desi solidarity, no? your moodboards are always so aesthetic and your blog is so soft and calm. i see you sending such lovely asks to people, including myself, and i truly admire your personality so much!

@gayvlad: nico, my sibling! i love you so much and seeing you on the dash always makes me smile. sometimes you’re too hard on yourself, but that’s okay, because i’m always here for you. i loved your reactions to dbk in live time, and that you’re now as attached to the show as i am. we love a lot of the same things, and i’ll forever be grateful to you for indulging my headcanons and developing them with me, like the ram and bohn friendship. the ram fic of him finding the gym as a home was developed through much of your influence, and i’ll never stop being astonished at how kind and supportive you are. i love you! 

@khaotungthanawat: saaaam! your gifs are always a beauty to behold. i admire you so much for making those bl compilation gifsets because that takes so much patience and dedication, especially to find all the moments. i can always count on you for underrated gifsets, too, and i smile every time you send me an ask!

@tanwirapong: roa! oh i adored getting to know you better this year through the gifted gays gc. i remember still when you made a post about there’s an art to honesty and it truly made my day - i sent it to my partner and best friend and they were so fond as well! i will always be so happy about the fact that we both lose it over petekao every now and again, it means the world to me :’)

@emisfritish: your wisdom and way of expressing your thoughts will never fail to amaze me, emma. i can always count on you for calling things like they are and writing out well-worded, thought-provoking posts that express everything i have ever thought about fandom but could never quite write down. it’s such a pleasure seeing you on my dash and honestly, whenever i see tay, he reminds me of you!

so that was everyone who tagged me, for which i am eternally grateful! (if i missed anyone... i am so sorry ily...) now onto me rambling about how much i love specific people in the fandom generally that i haven’t already mentioned.

@earthfluuke: maddie... where do i even start. getting to know you this year means the absolute world to me and i love how many thoughts we can share together and how many aus and ideas we can plot out to the finest detail, but i also love how we can talk about serious topics and irl issues affecting us both and know that the other person will be there. i admire you so much for going on and persevering despite the many difficult factors in your life right now. know that i will always be there - to listen to you, to support your gifs and fics, to develop characters with you, to weigh in on problems or ideas you have. i love you!

@asianmelodrama: faiza!! i can never address you without immediately adding ‘jaan’ after it honestly. you are a sister to me in all things and knowing you has been such an honour. your wise words, your calmness in dealing with things, your infectious excitement - they are all facets of your personality that i both admire and adore. whether it’s getting angry about shitty muslim rep or freaking out about a movie, i know that i can always count on you to be there for me if i ever need it. i hope light and love touches your life always, and you find peace in everything you do. if i ever happen to be in england, i am definitely coming over for your chai :’) i love you!

@yioh: yura my laddoo! i say this all the time, but i simply am so grateful that we met. i love seeing your tags on my posts and i just... adore seeing you doing your thing on your blog, your posts always make me smile. i know school is hard right now, but know that i’m always rooting for you and believe in you completely. words cannot express how happy i am to have found another tamil lgbt person who can understand the same experiences, it really does mean everything to me. and know that i will begin reading tyk soon, i promise, and i’ll tell you all about my thoughts! i love youuu!

@1akorn: shannon!! i still cannot believe people group us together because i’ve always admired you from a distance - imagine my absolute surprise when i found out that you followed me! i 100% rely on you for the good mek content and love your gifs so much. you’re so articulate and speak your thoughts incredibly well, which i truly admire.

@brightwin: jelly - you already know the amount of love and fondness i hold for you. you’re such a kind and bubbly person and your personality shines not only through your tags and responses to people, but also through your gorgeous gifsets that are just so warm and lovely. i can always rely on you to give me updates on all things related to brightwin and 2gether. you’re wonderful!

@yibobibo: aamna! i know i can always get my yibo content from you, and i adore it. i love seeing updates about your bunnies and your kind responses to your anons, you truly are a ray of light! you’re also one of the fairly concentrated cql blogs i follow - and for that i am always grateful.

@metawwin: ali! your gorgeous gifs are always such a light on my dash. i remember once you called me ‘rahulito’ and it made me so soft. your voice and songs are so lovely and i don’t even know where to begin thanking you for sharing your art with us. i know it means a lot to me, and it means the same to many others.

@taytawan: nuriaaa! i remember seeing you so often in the petekao tag and i gotta say that your sets of both petekao and sarawatine, especially the heart eyes series, always make me so soft. and of course, the fact that you gifted me this wonderful url! i will always be thankful for that and for your general kindness and warmth that you bestow upon everyone.

@piningbisexuals: axelle! although we don’t talk that much, i always love seeing your gifs and your thoughts on shows on the dash. i’m wishing you all the best with your thai classes and hope that everything goes well with you! also, you should know that i read that manboss fic you gifted to me at least once a week because it just means that much to me - and i’m so glad i got you into this little silly ship of mine. 

@sunsetchimyeon: nene, my pk anon! i love seeing your asks in my inbox and writing essays as replies. having conversations with you was one of my absolute highlights and i’ll always be blown away by how kind and calm and supportive and patient you are! i hope life is treating you well, my friend.

@toptaps: zey!! oh i love seeing your gifs and kindness on my dash and know that whenever i see toptap in anything, he always reminds me of you! also your gifs of sammy? absolutely gorgeous!

@giftedgays: i love you all SO much it is truly insane. being part of our tumblr gc that evolved into a discord server with a thousand channels has been one of my 2020 highlights. i loved yelling with you all about tgg every week and i must thank you all for sitting through my chanonpom breakdowns every second day. 

in particular: 

@pangwave - dawnie, i love you! i admire you and your no bullshit attitude so much. i know you’re going through a process of change right now, and i could not be prouder of you for persevering through it, regardless of the painful and strange circumstances we find ourselves in. i have full faith in you, and i know that you got this. we’re all here for you! 

@doctorbahnjit: - alexa! i still remember when you wrote the first manboss fic and an anon sent me a link regarding it. you are genuinely one of the funniest people i know and you deserve the absolute world. i read out of the blue every day, no kidding, because it means so much to me! thank you for being my fellow chanonpomer, my fellow manboss-er, and just being an all around ray of absolute sunshine.

@gunatps: vee! i have already embarrassed myself enough in my post to you but it’s worth repeating. i adore our eden chanonpom breakdown sessions, which we should have again soon when you have time, and i love us roasting modi in the chat, it truly cracks me up! we have so much in common and i just want to say that i am so proud of you for studying and taking your exams - i know how difficult they are. 

@wavelovespang: cass!! how i adore your analyses and breakdowns of scenes and relationships, you have so much insight and wisdom that you spread in such thoughtful ways! you’re so supportive and kind and such a great teacher, i know that. your writing is so wonderful and i’m truly so honoured that we all get to read it, it’s a gift!

@class2clown: angel! i cannot say this enough but i admire your art so much, it’s so so beautiful! you’ve always been so kind and lovely, and just like with cass, thank you so much for organising the gifted week events! although i couldn’t properly partake this year because of time constraints, i loved seeing everyone’s creations and it was super thoughtful.

@soulmatelines: i’ve said this before, jo, but it must be said again: i cannot believe you thought i was cool. i’ve always adored your gifs from afar and you’re such a sweet person! i love love love talking with you in the kpop channel (even if you personally hate 3racha smh), and you truly do bear the novel agenda! i’ve learned about so many more novels i must read and for that i am so grateful :’) 

@billkinpp: violet, i will never fail to crack up at a) your and kylie’s plans to run away and get married, and b) you having a thousand sideblogs and complimenting yourself on your own gifs in the tags, as you absolutely should! i hope the next year is kind to you and that your sleep schedule isn’t too fucked up :’)

@vihokratanas: mel, i will always be in complete awe of your gifs! they are always so clean and crisp. i remember still when you were fondestphan and my phannie days flashed in front of my eyes fhsnfg but either way, you’re so kind and sweet! 

@pvrrish: eleni!! i don’t think i’ve ever told you this before but i’ve always loved the 2gether poster that you made, i sometimes go on your blog to look at it for like 5 minutes, it’s truly so beautiful! i hope you’ve had an okay year, all things considered, and that life is kind to you!

@lee-thanat: another leesbian, ke! y’all always crack me up in the lesbians for lee thanat channel truly. your simping for ms ladda is so valid, i miss her so much honestly. i hope that the coming year is kind to you, and that you find the peace you deserve!

okay, so i think that’s everyone that i either talk to regularly or admire a lot! in case i didn’t mention you, please please feel free to reach out to me because i mean no offense at all - my brain is small haha. would also like to shout out all my anons who send me asks and bear with my late responses these days because of life, i adore you all and i love answering your asks.

if you’re still reading after this... whole monster of a post, i’m just gonna quickly mention some things i’ve been proud of either writing or making this year. in no particular order:

1. my weary heart has come to rest in yours. this is a fic i wrote in an... interesting headspace, and i was really going through my chanonpom feelings at the time. i’m really proud of how it came out and i adored writing chanon through pom’s pov. also i kinda love how i tied in p’bird’s song prip dtah in with the fic because i adore the song and it fits so well with them.

2. petekao week 2020. i guess this is sort of cheating, because these are technically 7 fics, BUT. i am actually proud of myself for writing seven, and i think they’re all of fairly good quality. i just really love this little universe i created for the dbk characters after the show and this whole week was just so warm and lovely to be a part of.

3. this set of num and prang from a gift for whom you hate. this moment really stuck with me from the finale and i actually am really proud of the colouring and how it came out! i think the blues really popped and i managed to lighten this dark ass scene without whitewashing mek or aye. the fireworks gif also is one of my favourites i’ve made! num and prang’s whole relationship was so pure throughout the entirety of this show, i adored them. 

4. but love is impossible and it goes on despite the impossible. this is the longest fic i’ve posted so far and i’m super proud of it - it’s also my most well-received fic. the yunmeng brothers mean the world to me and i just... wanted to write about jiang cheng and his love for his brother and give them a somewhat happy ending, in one future at least.

5. there’s an art to honesty. i think i really nailed my version of kao in this work! i just really loved writing this fic so much, especially because it was right after the whole ‘scandal’ with new happened. i was really just finding a way to separate kao from him, and i delved into my feelings with this fic as well, because i relate to kao in multiple ways. either way, i thought writing this fic was fun and a lot of people loved it too, which made me so soft!

if you’ve read this far, i personally adore you! while this has been a difficult year, i am blessed to have been part of this loving community, and i really hope that next year will be kinder to us all and give us good shows and discussions! i love you all. stay safe and stay kind, friends 💛

[kai-ni]

None of the people who left have never once said they didn’t care about you. We all wish you could be happy. I never once said the /I/ didn’t care about you. I’m sorry you feel this way and I’m sorry you’re hurting. I want to talk to you but at this point I don’t know what to say. You have twisted me into this monster and have not left the real me that you know any room to try and talk. But if you want to, you aren’t blocked on discord. You know who i am.

Wowie. Where to start.

I really, truthfully and wholeheartedly wish this message had been different. Because as much as I would love to think you reached out, out of genuine concern for me and a genuine desire to reconnect, as much as I DEARLY want that, this is not that. And I... can only be deeply disappointed and even more hurt. "None of the people who left have never once said they didn’t care about you."

Actions speak louder than words.

Ya'll have SHOWN you don't care about me. This message reeks with 'I don't care about you, all I care about is how this affects me and my image'. It's guilt trippy ('twisted me into this monster') and blame-filled.

"We all wish you could be happy."

Then do something about it. Make it right. Stop 'wishing.'

"I’m sorry you feel this way and I’m sorry you’re hurting."

Let me be frank, this is not the apology you think it is. This is not an apology at all. 'I'm sorry you feel that way' is bullshit. Google it. It doesn't take ownership of any wrongdoing, it does not communicate genuine remorse, it blames ME for how I feel about what YOU did. It implies I'm being irrational or overly sensitive, or over-reacting.

Try taking responsibility for what you've done instead of continually pushing that responsibility onto me, which by the way is what traumatized me in the FIRST PLACE. You are still doing it. You take my pain, my hurt, how your actions have hurt me, and turn it around on me as if I'm the one in the wrong for reacting to the way you hurt me.

No ownership of what you did to cause that hurt in the first place, no desire to make it right or change it going forward.

"I want to talk to you but at this point I don’t know what to say."

A great start would be a genuine, real apology and a plan to do better in the future and make it right. I will always be open to hearing that if you ever get there, and you know damn better ways to contact me than an anon tumblr ask, all the way up to knocking on my damn door (though don't do that rn) but like you have my phone number come on. This is performative. And I'm playing along for some goddamn reason.

I'm not messaging you, I don't remember your actual discord handle number and this clearly demonstrates we have nothing to talk about. I don't even care if you see this or not, and also while yea it's public and I accept that, my venting here is not FOR you.

"You have twisted me into this monster"

Guilt trip and 'this is all about me'.

And yea, well. Feels that way to me. I'm tired.

"not left the real me that you know any room to try and talk."

You obviously know how to reach me, go nuts, but again this really shines a light on the fact we have nothing to talk about. Look inward a little more, maybe talk to a professional, I dunno. But this... aint it. I'm open to something genuine.

"The real me that you know"

You know, I really don't know you. I really don't. I miss the person I thought I knew deeply, but I don't know this person. And I'm just disappointed and sad, and bitterly angry that you somehow managed to drag others with you.

[a-box-of-scraps]

IronDad LGBTQ+ Fic Recs

Happy Pride Month everyone! I hadn’t planned on making this (hence the belated posting), but with everything that’s been going on, I just really needed to put something positive into the world. I tried to link all the author tumblrs I could find, but please let me know if I missed anyone!

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cut from his strings by macabre (trans Peter)

In which Peter’s dysphoria makes eating easier said than done. Ouch ouch ouch. My poor heart. Peter’s battle to find peace in his own skin hurts, but in an unapologetic and truthful way. Seeing Tony help him with recovery makes the pain worth it.

Dudes in Distress by @boww-tiez (gay Peter)

In which Peter’s coming out doesn’t exactly go to plan; cue Tony making it better. Peter’s so adorable in this! His nervousness about telling Tony he’s gay and regret over some of his past experiences is really well written. Brilliant relationship dynamic. Ten out of ten for fluffiness.

general relativity by macabre (Peter likes boys)

In which Tony worries about what big secret his adopted son could be trying so hard to keep from him. Another beautifully written fic from macabre, who always portrays Peter and Tony’s relationship with genuine emotional depth. This is one of those go-to fics I reread whenever I’m feeling down.

no cops at pride, just spiderman by @tempestaurora (bi Peter and bi Tony)

In which Peter convinces Tony to attend Pride parade with him. This one has so many cute moments (it’s officially canon that Peter’s crushing on Bucky), but it’s also very touching when Tony talks about his experiences being in the LGBT community during the 1980s and 90s. Respect to authors who can incorporate social activism into their writing so smoothly.

Of Gods and Crushes by @tstarkapologist (bi Peter)

In which Peter has a not-so-secret crush on Thor. I was grinning like a loon the entire way through this. Tony’s the perfect combination of supportive and teasing—he’s just nailing the Embarrassing Dad (tm) role that he was born to play. (And really, who doesn’t have a crush Thor?)

Peter Parker’s Top Surgery Fund by @vivilevone (trans Peter)

In which there’s a bakesale, certain revelations are had, and an ‘anonymous’ donation is made to GoFundMe. Shout-out to Tony who’s so clueless but tries so hard. Funny and cute with just a dash of angst thrown in; hits the spot. Featuring Number One Bestie Ned and Science Bro Bruce.

Use Somebody (Someone Like You) by @rosalinesbenvolio (trans Peter)

In which Peter’s not very good at coming out despite his best efforts. What a cutie (both Peter and this fic)! A heartfelt, comedic, altogether delightful read. Peter and Tony’s relationship is genuinely sweet. Kudos to Michelle for being that best friend everyone needs.

5-15k Words

5 Times Peter Acted Like A Teenager And The 1 Time He Had To Be An Adult by @losingmymindtonight (Peter likes boys) 

In which Peter misses curfew, falls in love, gets his heart broken, and might need a few pep talks from his dad along the way. Did I mention there’s a kidnapping? Tony is *chef’s kiss* in this, especially as he helps Peter navigate through his first real breakup by providing much comfort and cuddles and encouragement. Dramatic!Teenager!Peter is my spirit animal.

Ace!Peter series by @peter-parkerson (biromantic ace Peter)

In which sometimes kids can be jerks, but luckily Peter has people there to remind him he’s not in any way broken. Sweet and soft and lovely. Featuring Tony as the ally parent every queer kid deserves and Ned as the caring, understanding, altogether wonderful boyfriend who knows there’s more to relationships than just sex.

Asexual!Peter series by @parkrstark (biromantic ace Peter and bi Tony)

In which Peter uses indecipherable metaphors, Tony becomes increasingly confused, and May’s the saint who puts up with them both. Oof. My poor, poor heart. I really just want to wrap Peter in a hug and tell him everything’s going to be okay, then buy him an ace flag cape and drag him to Pride March. Luckily Tony’s there to do all that for me.

June by @peterparkrr (gay Peter and bi Tony)

In which Tony buys a parenting book and (not so successfully) tries to get Peter to come out. I absolutely love how Tony is written in this! Even though he might still be getting the hang of this parenting thing, you can tell how deeply he cares about Peter and just wants what’s best for him. Only criticism is that it makes my face hurt from smiling so widely; the fluffiness and humor is just too good!

15-25k Words

Fragile and Composed by @theoceanismyinkwell I’m sorry the @ isn’t working it keeps saying “no blogs found” (gay Peter and bi Tony)

In which Steve gives some advice, Peter confronts some bullies, and Tony is there to deal with the fallout. Guh. This fic. Everything TheOceanIsMyInkwell writes gives me *emotions* and I love it. I love the tension between Tony and Steve as they try to move forward after Civil War. I love Peter standing up for himself and his friends. I love Tony being protective, and trying to do better for Peter when he realizes he’s missed the mark. Just gorgeous in every way.

Gay Disaster Peter Parker series by Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness (is it redundant to say gay Peter?)

In which, as the title suggests, Peter Parker is a gay disaster. Every work in this series does an amazing job depicting some of the very real struggles queer teens often face (particularly self-harm/mental health issues and bullying). It’s raw and painful, but at the same time offers so much hope that recovery is possible. Tony’s love and support and care for Peter makes my heart happy.

i never promised you your dream boy series by @ftmpeter (gay/trans Peter)

In which even when it feels like the universe is against him, Peter’s family and friends will always have his back. This series is wonderful in so many aspects, but the thing that really shines through for me is Tony’s characterization. He fumbles once in a while, and might not have a ton of background knowledge about LGBTQ+ issues, but he does his absolute best to learn and help Peter through day to day challenges of being trans. Perfect ally.

Lightning in a Bottle by @groo-ock (Peter likes boys)

In which Spider-Man and the Human Torch are dating, but Peter Parker and Johnny Storm definitely, definitely aren’t. Definitely not. Gruoch’s fics are always an absolute joy to read, and this one is no different. Even if you’re not a Fantastic Four fan, please give it a chance, especially if you need something fun and lighthearted right now; the humor is terrific! Exasperated Tony is icing on the cake. This poor man puts up with so many shenanigans...

Project Pride by TheSleepingOwl (gay Peter)

In which Peter doesn’t know that Tony knows he’s gay, and Tony’s an over the top helicopter dad who’s just trying his best. This one deals with some pretty heavy stuff, including Peter’s lasting trauma from being sexually abused when he was younger, but the author handles it all with dignity and respect and does it justice. A lot of parts made me laugh. Other parts had me tearing up. Other parts had me full-out sobbing. An incredible read and instant favorite.

[wellthatwasaletdown]

Larrie posts would get 10s of thousands of likes. It was like a huge wave that carried you along.//// I was there. And honestly, I still go through some Larry theories once In a while. Just for fun. I recently read one of the scarlet letter and how both HL signaled their lives pertaining to the themes of the book- and it’s prob just a coincidence and the person who wrote it is obvs delulu but damn was it Interesting. Especially as a literature geek, that was a fun post to read. Very engaging. Bulletproof larrys blog is a hilarious place. And I am absolutely not a Larrie bc I just don’t have the time and energy to read into this now unlikely theory anymore. Not when all logic points to it being false all along. And not when the cult leaders are doll lady and Gina the fan fic lady. Both misogynistic assholes who are solo harries in disguise.

But the 1d fandom has been such a core part of my life that I simply cannot let it go. And why would I if I love being here? My happiest memories are 1D concerts and tumblr discussions and jokes and all types of ppl who ship different things and have different lanes and opinions coming together to just have fun. Like the day Eleanor and Lou broke up most of us were genuinely there for each other, just making jokes and talking abt how we miss and love her(bc god was 2015 a mess and what came after was all the crazy theories and confusing times). Only the toxic larries like I doll lady and lassurex(I think?) were being assholes that day and onward. The tumblr community on here was, by in large, a wonderful (dare I say safe for my introverted ass w only online friends at the time) place. And this fandom was SO SO SO huge that we usually squashed the rude peeps under a boot and went back to making jokes.

I do have plenty of friends who are still Larry shippers/larries, engage in the fandom, etc. It isn’t that deep for me or them- we’re just doing our thing. And they’re Def not toxic or crazy like the cult leaders. They’re just spectating and agreeing w certain things. I can’t relate- but I don’t like argue w them. I’m still streaming their music till this day( u can’t tell me what a feeling isn’t a BOP like it’s a B O P). (And strong has no right making me feel things in 2021). I still play the last 3 albums a couple times a month.I still watch some old videos and interviews where their youthful and vibrant personalities shine through… especially the ones from the midnight memories era bc that was the best era. I still read Larry fics(💀) bc it’s just fun. One of the best things I’ve ever read is that young & beautiful fan fiction. Truly a skilled writer. And yes in a fictional world I do ship it idc if all the other anons will have my head for it. The chemistry was v much there during those years, U won’t convince me otherwise. U can’t make me Unsee what I still see when I watch those interviews and vids. I do see the nature of their relationship during those years as suspicious and very intense and idgaf if I’m just crazy for it cus I’m not actively pushing it and pretending I know the facts. And fuck is it fun to do these things in my free time. And that’s the purpose of fandom. To have fun. None of this is that deep. And this was a fandom for those of us born in the 90s/early 2000s. Our middle school or high school or college years WERE these 5 kids. Some maintained their authenticity. Some fell off. Some- Idk. Some’s solo stuff I enjoy, some I don’t. Some I think are secretly assholes cough mr homewrecker, the rest I think are good at their core(Exept Liam I’m eh on him but I wish him the very best.) I don’t Stan them per se anymore(though I’m still emotionally attached to 1/2 of the Larry ship cough it’s not the one we hate on), but they’ll always mean a lot to me. And when any of them drop an album I will listen. Even when hs3 drops I’ll be a masochist and listen to him whine about cockburn. That’s just what it means to be a directioner. And yk what the Larry ship was so much fun for us fans but it caused sm harm to these real ppl- I wish ppl would’ve accepted it’s just a fantasy of two men who just have this intense chemistry, and likely a deep bond(that WASNT A ROMANCE.) I wish ppl would’ve accepted it when they denied it, even if their behavior was, like I said, intense and suspicious, it’s not the fandoms business. These boys were overworked asf I’m sure they didn’t appreciate us bugging them 24/7 abt it. And clearly, larries were wrong abt their perception of this bond. And if Larry ever were something *more* it’s sure as hell over now. Mr Donny chav and mr homewrecker probably never want a teenager daughter who’s allowed on the internet bc us teenage girls basically ruined a lot for them. And yk what? I feel guilt for the very minimal part I played in it. Even if it was never too serious for me- I should’ve called out some Tin hat behavior some mutuals displayed.

.

[ghostofpolaris]

Paid Deity Reading Review from @ad-astrum

This is a review I am doing out of my own will for a paid reading that was done by @ad-astrum ! I highly recommend you check Adelaide’s account out! She just is amazing. <3 Tis long so I am adding a cut-off to help. Please note that I am not being paid to say any of this and I want to be as honest as possible with this review! 

TW for: Long post, Personal Topics

To start, I (for a very long time) have been in a place where I was lost. I have had a lot of trials and tribulations in my life and where I know I have made some contact with the deities I (had) followed and worked with, I know I have not always been able to fully comprehend what is needing to be said. 

At least with these last six years, I have had so many ups and downs and quite a few times, I genuinely wondered what the point was in continuing onward with life. I had spent quite a lot of time even contemplating whether I was truly a “spiritual” person and worthy of being a witch. I hadn’t been able to keep up with my gifts I had been providing and I haven’t really done any spells. Maybe a few sigils were made here and there, but the unworthy feelings I harbored along with depression spiraling in from working 40 hours a week, being in school full time, and my mental and physical health continuing to drag me down. 

So, I got desperate as one does when left to their own devices after being paid a nice juicy paycheck and seeking answers and solidarity from others online. Though this was not the main reason I had sought for answers, it was a good portion of why. Primarily, I had noticed signs that were familiar to me, but also not. I had begun noticing crows coming in twos and occasionally threes, I noticed almost everything I turned to, would have some kind of Norse imagery or content involved, and quite a lot of it involved our beloved AllFather Odin. 

Now mind you, I NEVER saw myself as a Norse Pagan. I thought Loki and Thor were cool in the Marvel movies and myths, but I never exactly saw myself being a Norse Pagan. I also was never one for Greek Mythology and Hellenic Paganism either but here we are after receiving aid from Ares and Aphrodite a couple of times in my life. Truth be told, I was the kid that was (and still is) obsessed with the King Arthur myths and Celtic Paganism. I also was obsessed with Egyptian mythology (yes, I was the kid who had the Egyptology book growing up even though I wanted the Dragonology one but that’s okay!).

For me, I tend to be quite dense. I tend to be someone who is unable to really see signs unless they are hitting me right in the face (spiritually I have felt blocked for quite a while and if anyone has any tips for that I am down to listen not gonna lie). With all of the signs I did keep seeing though involving Odin, I knew I needed to start doing my research and find someone who could help shine a light within the darkness that was my uncertainty. Was this truly Odin I was being called to? Why? What did I need to hear?

I stumbled around and I did scroll through various sources until I crossed Adelaide’s tumblr page. I understood her focus was on Hellenism, but after speaking with her in the DM’s about doing a reading, I felt safe and comforted by the fact she was so kind, patient, and informative on what I needed. Absolutely one of the sweetest people I had met on here and I absolutely will keep following her because she is so kind and helpful. 

Like anyone who was hoping for answers, I happily paid the amount we agreed to for the details I was hopeful for. Though apologies now, but I genuinely underestimated Adelaide and her capabilities. I mean, I severely underestimated what this reading was going to be like. If you need detail, and are happy to pay her what she deserves, Adelaide will provide and she sure did.

I opened the pastebin link I had gotten and I didn’t even make it through the first paragraph without breaking down into literal tears. I wasn’t sad at all and it usually takes a lot for me to cry. I had been alone at work so far that night and it wasn’t entirely a bad day, but not exactly a good one either. It was going to be just another night where I went home and unwinded until I felt tired. 

Though this, this really just knocked me off my feet in a way I wasn’t expecting. I always was hesitant with deity readings, I have had someone scam me out of my money and just never provide what I requested and so I was almost worried it was going to happen again. I am so thankful I was wrong. 

To give a small bit of background about me, I originally had worked with Danu and Brigid. They were my first goddesses I had actually met and they both had welcomed me with open arms (though I never really understood why). That seemed to set a foundation of how my other encounters would be as I simply seemed to stumble into the contact of the deities I met and I would find every way to give them the respect they deserved. In turn, they nudged me further down the path that I now am on. 

Back to Brigid and Danu though, they were with me for at least a couple of years and both of them to me are basically like my mothers. I still hold so much love, respect and adoration for the both of them and I felt awful for even thinking, “Should I give my statue of Mother Brigid away to someone who may have more use for it than I?” I am glad I didn’t. 

Just reading that first paragraph was what did me in though and I don’t typically cry as I mentioned before. 

“ I do not believe any of these deities have truly left you “

Reading this made me realize I was silly to think that I was alone. I had spent so much time wondering why I was alone and left to try and fight by myself. I know I was doing better in life, but I knew I was starting to feel consumed by my fears of being alone. I continued onward after settling down again emotionally, but boy did the water works come back when I read,

“ For parting words, she simply said that she was pleased to have been with you and will always be around. “ 

This helped me realize that I needed to buckle up and get ready for a ride emotionally. There was a lot that would need unpacking, and I still have much to unpack from it all. 

After that paragraph, we moved onto Danu who had a similar response as Brigid. Aphrodite herself was as graceful and kind as she always has been, and I still feel I owe a lot of my progress to her as well. Without her, I would have never let go of the toxic and abusive relationships I had been in. I know personally, I should make a better attempt to reach out to her more and thank her over and over again. Ares though, I felt slightly intimidated by him, but at the same time I wasn’t entirely afraid. He just is a much quieter individual than I had expected and that is okay. From what I recall (and this reading proves it to me), he speaks when he feels it is necessary. 

Father Lucifer came next and I definitely cried again at the end of his paragraph. “ Lucifer simply said that he sees the light in you. “ That made me cry like a small child all over again and truthfully I was surprised that I had not known him since I was younger. My timing was off, but I am glad it was actually him as I felt I was not actually speaking to him at some points. 

I have much to thank him for, and I hope me even writing this will show others my love, adoration and respect I have for my deities. My deities, I cannot believe I get to say this and say it with such joy. 

Though with those fears, I just assumed I was just making my interactions up and I feel my self-doubt and mistrust of my own feelings has hindered me (even to this day) communications wise. I once again am glad to know I was so horribly wrong. 

The very last, was the most unexpected, and Papa Odin himself had just known that this reading was coming along, and he had been around the longest. Thinking about it now makes me want to cry all over again, but to me I feel this really reassured me because I know I had moments in life where I would see things involving Odin and feeling comfort in them. Internally, I would ask myself on occasion, “I wonder what it is like to just sit with him and talk. What is it like to work with him and learn from him?” 

Sure enough, here I am now laughing and almost crying at the fact that he was with me all along. I just needed to focus a bit more. I genuinely didn’t believe that I had mistaken him for The Morrigan (so sorry Papa Odin!) and yet he still took everything with good strides. I still am having trouble putting it in words how comforted and rejuvenated I feel to have this kindness, love, and support. 

For Odin himself, I cannot thank him enough for what he has done in my life so far. It makes me want to reevaluate my life and see just how many times I could have mistakenly missed him and signs he has given me. For someone who has been around for so long and has had a formative role in my life, I owe so much to him and am grateful to be blessed with his guidance and wisdom. I remembered for ages I wished I had a dad that would love and care for me and here I had Odin all along. Physically I may not be able to see him or hug him, but he was here all long and that is what matters so much to me.

At this point, Adelaide, thank you for all of this. Your words have brought me such joy, comfort, and inspiration and I had trouble thinking of how to even respond to all of this for a good bit of time. I even wondered what I needed to do at this point and I feel I have a solid idea of what I need to do now, but I just am still scrambling around to figure it all out. 

Little by little, I will walk towards my deities and I will do my very best to honor them. Thank all of you for the strength you have given me to stand back up, dust myself off, and continue on. This was what I needed to keep going and keep trying. I had made my username “mirroredpaladin” because I wanted to fight not only for the good of others, but for myself as well. It is about time I start actually doing that. 

From here on, I do want to find a way to properly and more consistently reach out to Odin, Lucifer and Ares. I want to find a way to properly thank them along with Brigid, Danu, and Aphrodite and it is about time I start looking where I can to do so. I know I need guidance, I never was properly educated on what to do with deity work, but I have to try for their sake and mine.

Thank you all for reading this. To also give some more love, I also want to thank @scarletarosa @thepastelpriestess and @its--in--the--weave​ and @blood-and-bunnies​ (I thought they had another username of @/rosegoldtunic before but I don’t remember) because these people have actually helped me get to where I am now along with Adelaide. <3

[oh-great-authoress]

This is for Lena of @lenacs, who has been a great help to me in my fic writing and a fantastic mutual! Go check out her tumblr for her awesomeness and information about her fics! I highly recommend you check out her current fic, “Flashes of Light” for some amazing Armitage Hux/Rose Tico fluff. Thank you for feeding my need for Gingerrose fic, Lena! And before I forget, Lena, there’s two parts in this fic in which I paid homage to your beautiful Day 4 of Summer Gingerrosefest 2020 fic!

This incorporates ideas I will be putting into my AU fic, Gray Guardian, 😉 but for this I tried to keep it as canon as possible, aside from you-know-who isn’t shot by that sleemo Pryde.

And to my dear Gingerrose writers, if there is any similarity in this to any of your works, I swear, it was totally unintentional, this just flowed out of me at an unholy hour of the day.

This is slice-of-life, shamelessly indulgent fic, with the fluff up to 11. This is Fluff Without Plot. So, without further ado, I give you…

The Peace of Love

It was early morning, and as usual, Armitage was up at his upstairs work table, magnifiying glasses on his head, as he fiddled with the central computer of an X-Wing — Dameron’s X-Wing, to be exact. He had just made some adjustments which would make the starfighter more agile, especially when the Resistance General was doing reckless maneuvers such as dives and rolls when he heard a loud yawn from the bedroom. Ah.

He took the magnifying glasses off and switched them out for the tortoiseshell-rimmed pair in his shirt pocket, (which he sadly had begun to need more and more often) as he stood and adjusted his thick-yarned knit cardigan. Going to the kitchen, he took the breakfast he had prepared, and placed them on the tray, which he carefully took to the bedroom.

“Good morning, my flower,” he murmured to his smiling wife, Rose.

“Good morning, Armie. How long have you been up?” She concernedly asked, since she was a deep sleeper and he tended to wake at the drop of a pin, which, combined with his insomnia and too-ingrained-to-change habit of waking early, he sometimes didn’t get nearly enough sleep.

“The usual, don’t worry. I slept well, my dear.” He set the tray down on his made side of the bed, and sat so the tray was between them. Rose immediately snatched up one of the slices of toast. A smile curled his lips as she moaned at the taste of the butter spread on the toast. She was about to scarf down the last slice when she said, “Have you eaten already?”

“Yes, I had breakfast earlier. Go ahead.”

Rose made quick work of the meal and he was about to pick the tray up and take it back to the kitchen when she extended her hand towards him. “Come rest with me for a while.”

This was odd for her. Usually, Rose liked to get up after breakfast, being as hard-working as he was. “You’re not getting up yet?” He cautiously asked.

“Not just yet.” She widened her eyes and slightly pouted her lower lip, a look that never failed to get under his skin. “Come on, I know you want to go back to what you’re doing, but, just indulge me, Armie? Please?”

He had lost already, had lost from the moment he had fallen in love with this magnificent woman over two and a half years ago, but it behooved him to put up at least the appearance of a fight.

“Fine,” he sighed, putting the tray on the floor, before removing his shoes and cardigan, and climbing into his side of their bed.

“Happy now?” He softly asked as he took her into his arms.

“Very,” she grinned, adjusting herself in his embrace.

They were silent, as they just laid there, but his mind was as loud as ever, if not louder.

How? How had he come upon this fortune? He was a mass murderer. He had killed billions when he ordered that Starkiller be fired. He had killed his own father. He had ripped countless numbers of children from their mother’s breasts to turn them into mindless drones. He had contributed to, if not directly had a hand in, the destruction of numerous planets, Rose’s included. And yet, this woman, this brilliant, beautiful woman had chosen to spend the rest of her life with him.

In no way, shape, or form, did he deserve even the slightest ounce of compassion from Rose, let alone her love. He deserved death, an ignominious death, at either the hands of the First Order for his treason, or at the hands of the Resistance for his crimes. Despite all this, Rose bothered to get to know him even when he was just a string of letters communicating with her from across the galaxy, feeding her First Order secrets. And when, unable to resist the first stirrings of emotion in his long cold, dead heart, he told her his name, she had been shocked, yes, but she had not launched into the tirade of vitriol he had been expecting.

Eventually, their relationship had evolved from mere spy-handler to genuine, if not tentative, friendship. And when Poe and Finn exfiltrated him from the Steadfast, he was greeted by a black-haired blur careening into him, barely managing to keep himself upright from the blaster wound in his leg. “Sunset Crown, you’re alive,” she whispered.

“Midnight Blossom. Alive, if not a little worse for wear.”

“You can call me Rose now, you know.”

“Ah. Well… call me Armitage then… Rose.”

After, following the agreement which tied him to the backwater planet of Tareth to develop all further technology for the New Republic ‘til the end of his days, which was far more than he ever hoped to get, fully expecting that he would be hurled into a deep, dark hole, never to see the light of day again, no one was more surprised than he to see Rose waiting for him outside the ship that would take him to his glorified exile.

“Rose. I suppose you’ve come to see me off.”

“No, dummy. I’m coming with you.”

He was doing a fairly impeccable impression of a fish in that moment, he was certain. The only word that came out of his mouth at her declaration, was a “What?” which squeaked out of his throat at a higher octave than usual for him.

“I’m coming with you.”

Recovering, he replied, “I heard you the first time. What I’d like to know is: whatever for?”

“Because I want to. Someone has to help you get established on Tareth. Might as well be someone who li - tolerates you. Unless you don’t want me to come?” She defiantly tilted her head, vaguely reminding him of their first meeting.

He wanted to tell her yes, he didn’t want her to come, he wanted to tell her to leave now, to run as far away as possible from him, to forget him, to never think about him again. But he found he couldn’t. She was like a sun, you see, and he the helpless, but all too willing planet caught in her orbit, blessed to have the rays of her light shine upon him. And a not-small part of him wanted to keep that light, her light in his life for as long as possible.

It wouldn’t be so bad, he convinced himself. Her friendship was all he would ever need. It was more than he ever deserved, and he would be content with that. It was enough. It would have to be. And he’d let her go, he swore to himself, if she ever gave the slightest hint that she wanted to leave. He’d no more wish to tie her to him than he would wish to hurt her.

Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months turned into half a year before he knew it. And in that span of time, his heart, his traitorous heart, became increasingly, inexorably tied to Rose more and more, with each passing day, until he was convinced that she would be able to hear his heart screaming for hers.

It all came to a head when he arrived at his small house after running errands, to find a delicious smelling dinner spread on his dining table, Rose in a dress as red as her namesake, ebony hair spilling over her shoulders. His breath caught in his throat, and he had to swallow several times before he was reasonably sure a logical sentence would come from his mouth.

“This looks amazing, Rose — it smells delicious.”

Her smile lit up the room. “Let’s eat it then.”

They both sat and ate, conversation flowing freely. He was listening to Rose talk about how she had just been reading a starfighter engine repair manual that had been absolutely revelatory when he internally voiced the thought which he had never vocalized, ever. “I love you,” he mentally said. Or so he thought.

Her head snapped up from where it had been briefly looking at her plate, and she dropped her fork. “What?” She breathed, wide-eyed.

No. No, no, no, no, no. He had said it out loud! He couldn’t decipher the look on Rose’s face — overcome with shame, fear, and self-hatred, he did the only thing he could think to do: he ran.

He bolted out the door, and before he knew it, he was standing beside the bench in the woods he had placed there when he needed to get away from everything — his thinking bench, as Rose called it.

“Idiot, idiot, idiot, what were you thinking?! How could you say that?! Why did you say that?! She’s going to leave now, you’ll never see her again!!”

He sank onto the bench, his head in his hands, thoughts swirling.

“Idiot, idiot, idiot,” he muttered, once more after a few minutes, shaking his head in his hands.

it was a testament to how off-kilter he was that he didn’t hear Rose coming.

“You’re not an idiot, Armitage, far from it in fact,” she said, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder as she knelt on the ground before him.

“I know the quality of my mind, Miss Tico, I merely refer to words I should not have said. And for the love of God, I beg you, get up,” he murmured, something in the night air making him speak softly.

“Why?”

“Because I never want to see you kneeling before me ever again, Rose!” He said, his voice beginning to rise.

An understanding look came into her eyes, and once she moved to sit beside him on the bench, he continued in a quieter voice, “I’m sorry, Rose. I… should not have said what I did.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Armitage… unless you didn’t mean what you said in the house.”

His head shot up to look her in the eye.

“Did you mean it, Armitage? Tell me.”

“I…”

“Tell me!”

“I meant it! I meant it. God, I meant it,” he passionately said.

A smile brighter than any he had ever seen on her face parted her lips. “Good. Because that’s what I’ve wanted to hear from you for months now.”

“What?” It seemed to be his go-to word when he did not know what to say, apparently.

“I said, that’s good. Because I love you too.”

“You — you shouldn’t, Rose.”

“I’ve never been good when it comes to people telling me what I should do.”

“I — I’m a criminal, a murderer, it — it is ill-advised to care for me, let alone love me.”

“But I do. Why do you love me?”

“Because… of you, everything you are, your incorrigible spirit, your kind heart, your brilliant mind, your captivating beauty, everything. And I could not stop myself from loving you, no matter how I tried.”

“It’s the same for me, Armitage. I couldn’t stop myself either. And I don’t want to. Let me love you. Please.”

He looked at her long and hard, searching for some sort of deception, even as he knew she was incapable of it.

“I…” he began. “I cannot find it in me… to refuse you,” he murmured, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes.

At this, she rushed into his arms, both immediately embracing the other. Eventually, she pulled back, a somewhat expectant look on her face. he had no idea what it was she wanted until her glance darted to his lips. Ah. A curious mix of excitement and apprehension surged through him. “M-may I —“

“Do it, before I do it for you,” she grinned.

Plucking up what courage he had, he threaded his hand through the black silk of her hair as he slowly leaned in, giving her every opportunity to back out. Then his lips met hers, and if his heart had not already been irrevocably hers, it would have been in this moment. He kissed her softly, gently, and yet passionately. He could have spent eternity drinking of her lips. When they parted, breathless, Rose reached up to brush away tears he had not realized he had cried.

“I do not deserve you, Rose.”

“You have me anyway,” she softly smiled.

Before he knew it, he was standing before the holy man of their town and exchanging vows and rings. He’d never forget that day. He was there in his best shirt and sweater, when she walked in, in a simple, but elegant white dress, a bouquet of white roses in her hands.

Now pulled back to the present, he looked down at their hands, his ring of Haysian smelt glowing in the morning sun. It tugged at his heart in an odd way sometimes to see the ring on his finger. He often felt she shouldn’t have given this to him, something rare and this precious from her homeworld that he had helped to ruin. But she always said that he was as precious to her as this metal was to her people, if not more so, and that he should think of it that way. And if it made him feel better, that he should think of it as a reminder to himself that he was different now, that he was sorry for his actions as the intractable General Hux. And oh, how he was sorry.

As the familiar self-hatred washed over him, he laced her left hand in his, raising it to his lips. She shifted to look up at him, sensing the change in his mood. “You okay?”

He ducked his head, staring at her silver ring, stamped with Arkanisian knots, considering his words.

Rose let him be, knowing that he’d reply in his own time. Eventually, he spoke. “No. But I have you, so I will be.”

Smirking, she placed a finger under his chin, gently raising his head so he looked at her. “I love you, Armitage Hux, with all my heart and all of me.”

“I love you too, Rose Tico-Hux, with all of my being, such as it is.”

She only smiled and leaned in to place a searing kiss upon his lips, chasing away any thought other than that of his beloved wife in his arms.

When air became a necessity, and they drew back, after they caught their breath, Rose straightened his glasses and murmured, “We should probably get up now.”

“Yes… we should. But let’s stay here for a little longer.”

“Okay.”

The end.

Hope you enjoyed this oneshot I wrote instead of sleeping, 🤣 Lena!

P.S. Does this count as a submission for Summer Gingerrosefest 2020? Hmm. I’ll tag it anyway.

[science-fiction-ler]

A Rambling, Sad, Angry, Reflection

You know, with everything going on my mind has recently ventured backwards in my life to about 2008. I had just turned 18 at the time. And I find myself thinking, what would would I have missed if my life had ended in 2008? 

Well, a lot has happened to me since I had turned 18 and left high school. I went to college, I changed my major about four times and in that time, I became a more competent drummer though I still don’t think I’m good enough to have ever made it a profession. I got to perform in front of a live audience. I graduated from college with some of the best professors and classmates I’ve ever had. I got to record my family history and meet family I never knew existed. I met some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life who I can now call friends for over a decade. I found my first job, my career path, had my first kiss, fell in love, found this community, had a plethora of sessions, traveled to the other side of the country and outside of the country for the very first time! I met some truly wonderful and amazing people both outside of and apart of this amazing community. All in all I think I’ve led a pretty good life. All of these amazing things are experiences that I would never have gotten if I hadn’t survived my 18th year.

Not too long after I had turned 18 I did one of my personal favorite activities and went for a walk at night (something I feel privileged to be able to do). I was almost home, alone at night, my iPod blaring my music when I noticed something in my periphery following me very slowly. I took out my earbuds and looked and saw a cop car. The cop yelled at me stop. My memory is hazy so I don’t remember every little detail but I remember the encounter going something like this. 

He told me to stop, he shined a flashlight in my eyes so I couldn’t see him pretty much the whole time. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was out for a walk and I was just going home. He told me if I was up to anything and I said no. He kept asking me where I came from and where I’ve been and I said I was just walking home. He defiantly shrugged off my claim and asked me where I lived and I pointed to where my house was. He asked me how old I was and just kept questioning me and wouldn’t leave me alone and finally he asked to see my ID. I had it on me and I gave it to him and he kept flashing the light in my eyes, checking me out and then he asked me if I was “one of those multi-racial types?” The question caught me so off guard all I could do was weakly utter out, “yeah.” The conversation after that went pleasant enough I suppose but eventually he let me go and I walked home. I can tell you for a fact, that in that moment, I was terrified and I was angry and I had so many thoughts racing through me, I genuinely didn’t know what was going to happen to me that night. It was that experience that made me jokingly put in my Tumblr bio that I am “passably white.” And now I can’t stop thinking about how if I was black, I honestly don’t think I would have survived that night. All those moments, all those wonderful experiences would have been robbed from me if I didn’t look white (for those who absolutely must know I am effectively half Japanese and half white).

Before anyone says anything I want to make something absolutely crystal clear. I DO NOT in any way feel like I understand what it means to be black. I do not feel like I am an oppressed minority. I have a privileged existence. Because that moment was scary. It was honestly one of the scariest moments of my life because I didn’t know what was going to happen to me that night. But I think I can say with confidence now that the average black person knows and expects to go to jail or worse yet die when that cop comes around your blind spot. They know they won’t survive. They know that they are Other and automatically suspected and the law is not on their side! People are dying in the streets. Cops are terrorizing and killing people and they have been for a very VERY long time! I am afraid of a lot of things and I am insecure about a lot of things but because I am “passably white” and male I am not afraid to walk my street at night. I am not afraid that a cop will end my life for just existing! 

I’m sorry if I don’t have a clear ending to this post but . . . I am privileged. I am privileged because when I was a kid a cop stopped me when I was just walking home and I didn’t die or go to jail for something I didn’t do. I’m privileged because I still take walks at night relatively unafraid. I’m privileged because out of all my fears and insecurities my skin color is not one of those things! I’m grateful to be here tonight and I’m angry and I’m sad that so many people had their lives cut short because their skin wasn’t light enough! So don’t you dare try and tell me that the rioting or the protesting is wrong or get all defensive if your black friends or family get angry in your face because of course people are fucking angry! People are tired! People are scared! People are dead!