#i guess being more emotionally vulnerable is a positive

[mikittalabs]

ough i got the tim rogers boku no natsuyasumi review on and it's 12:30am so i'm in a sentimental mood lol.

idk like i've realized that i've met a ton of people, had conversations with a bunch of people, and just kinda drifted apart. and i kinda miss them all, but not in a sad way? like i'm glad i knew them, and i don't really regret drifting apart, aside from like a high school case which is a bit of an outlier.

in elementary school, i was friends with 3 different kids who all moved away at some point during the year. recently, i've found myself wondering how they are, how's their life been since 15 years ago?

or the kids who didn't move and we just slowly drifted away, or the people i've had maybe just one conversation with and never saw them again, or my old coworkers, or family members i saw once and never again, or teachers i had.

i remember all their names. i know their faces. i remember what they sound like, what i talked with them about, but i don't miss them.

one group that always comes back in my head are my old friends from high school. i graduated in 2021, and to say that covid affected it would be an understatement, i think. i don't remember much of my senior year, but i do miss my high school friends.

i've finally put it together recently that what had happened was that i essentially started dissociating at the beginning of covid. i don't remember why it started, and i don't know why it ended, but that's the best conclusion i have.

some of the only memories i have of my senior year are the times i cried on 5 separate occasions, 4 of those were all at the end of the year. i know i had to have begun ignoring that friend group, and to go and apologize now would be kinda pointless. what would it do?

be kind of funny, methinks. "hey sorry i dropped off the face of the earth, i was lowkey dissociating for a year and a half straight."

good conversation starter.

there's one girl in particular that i'm kinda worried will see this. i know she has a tumblr account. i don't know why she'd look for my blog specifically.

i think i'm worried cuz it's her that i'd most want to formally apologize to. i've considered it a couple times, but again, i'm not sure what use it'd be after 2 years. what's done is done and all.

i can't change it, but i don't think i'd want to.

which sounds kind of contradictory, i just spent 5 paragraphs regretting how my high school year ended.

i think it'd be interesting to see what would change, but i'm fine with the me i am right now. it's not perfect, it could probably be a lot better, but it's me and that's fine.

i think i'd get more out of getting to talk with my high school self. which sounds kinda wild, cuz that'd just be me but 3 years younger. idk man

so yea. sentimental mood moment

[stellarsagittarius]

⏳️🪐 12th House and How Your Mental Anguish Affects You 🪐⏳️

Exchange readings: Open: You (Tarot) x Me (Astrology)

12H ruler in 1H

Imma give you a hug first, okay. What you have gone through, like the experiences that you have had with the world at large, all that you have seen in your life, you internalized it all. You have sort of taken it upon you to be the witness of the suffering around you. Because you feel it all so personally. The person you have become, the thoughts and beliefs you carry are the way they are because of the absurdity of life that you have felt so deeply. It has shaped you, a lot. Next time, try to detach. It is not about you, it was never about you, it about them. You are observing, not absorbing.

12H ruler in 2H

When you are at that lowest point, second guessing everything, it really does affect your ability to manage your resources. And more often than not it can make you feel like you are not worth-it, or that you simply do not deserve to be happy. Especially if you have Chiron in the 2H too, it can feel suffocating because you keep on doing thing, trying to make it work, but you never feel like you did enough. Affirm to yourself about your successes, keep a gratitude journal and remind yourself that your need/wants are all valid.

12H ruler in 3H

You can completely obsess over finding out the reasoning behind why certain things happen the way it did. It's like you want to understand, you want to make actual sense out of it, why your problems are causing you the things that are happening. This can lead to a detachment from actually allowing yourself to feel things out and like emotionally get in a better shape first. You can get stressed out about the facts, a lot of the times. Perhpas communication is something you truly struggle with. Talk it out with someone, understand your feelings first and then a lot of the facts will start to make sense too.

12H ruler in 4H

A lot of your turbulent thoughts and experiences affect you very deeply, like the depth which can make you question your entire existence. Now, I gotta be honest with this one, you are clearing up a lot of karma from your family lineage. You are going to the very root of the issues. Because these mental anguishes aren't surface level for you, they are seated very deeply within your psyche. You have to face these deep seated demons, otherwise you can keep them shoving them down, till it becomes completely unbearable to face yourself. On the positive note, learn to be vulnerable with yourself, learn to be more accepting of what you are going through.

12H ruler in 5H

When you are at the low point in your life, you start to put a great distance between enjoying yourself and becoming completely oblivious to your childlike nature. You need to embrace your inner child. Do what you want, but do not do it because you feel like you can't do anything else with your life. There needs to be like a balance here, between enjoying yourself and knowing when it can get destructive. Too much of anything never did good. You can struggle with finding that simplistic joy in life. So try and spend time alone for a while, maybe get a coloring book or just try and bake cookies. You don't have to be good at something to enjoy it. Even if it's loving yourself.

12H ruler in 6H

You can neglect your health like nobody's business. These thoughts, stress and anguish can manifest directly in your body. That's what it is. When you are not in a good energy, you know you need to reconnect with your body. This may come initially as a bit challenging to truly get yourself to do, but, once you build that habit over time, you will realise how much you have mastered yourself. Focus on your physical well-being. This placement is very simple. You don't need to spend time spaced out and in another world. Get down and strengthen your body, you will notice that you will start to feel much more better in your mind.

12H ruler in 7H

When you get to a low point in life, the point where you are confronted with your old habits, fears and challenging emotions, it highly reflects in your relationships (more so the romantic kind). You can easily slip into unhealthy patterns with your partners, like seeing them with rose colored glasses or not having a proper sense of boundary with them. And you may even fear that true vulnerability with them. So when that happens, seek to be honest by being polite. You are not for everyone, and the ones that are for you will always understand this. Relationship can either make you or break you, choose the people wisely.

12H ruler in 8H

At the lowest points in your life, the people who aren't by your side intentionally, remember them because they are not supposed to be a part of your life. A healthy bond is where both people are there for each other, and that's exactly what life keeps teaching you over and over again. Your biggest anguishes are be caused because of the way certain people treat you and use you for their own benefit. When that happens, remember your biggest enemy is what you do not choose to see within those who take advantage of your kind nature. Yes, we can witness everybody's suffering, but at the end of the day everybody is responsible for themselves.

12H ruler in 9H

When you are at that low point in your life, you can question your faith a lot. There is a feeling where trusting your morals can become really hard. It's like when you know you truly love something, but the mere beliefs that everybody has instilled within you from birth hold you back. And you may even be the type who rebels often because of this thing. Create your own beliefs. That will require you to question what you have always been taught, don't be afraid to question it. You need let yourself see thing. At your lowest you can really see in black and white. Take a step back and observe. Read and learn.

12H ruler in 10H

Many of your mental anguishes come from you struggling with what kind of image you want to uphold between other people. You may struggle a lot with showing up between people or excessively thinking of what other people may think of you when you are at the low points in your life. You can often feel like other people look so deep within you, within the things you want to hide from everybody. When that happens, remember that what others think of you is absolutely none of your business. As long as you know that you are on the right track, you don't need anyone to tell you otherwise.

12H ruler in 11H

You are learning to trust in your dream and not hold yourself back from achievement. You know when you are at those low points in your life, there could be a deep seated fear of missing out on opportunities. You can start to second guess your own hopes, uncertain if you even deserve to have what you want or not. There could also be this sense of feeling like there is no hope left for you, like there is nothing anymore you want to have. When that happens, try to remain grateful, look at all the cool things you have achieved till now, appriciate yourself, open yourself up to something new.

12H ruler in 12H

When you hit rock bottom, it's like plunging into the deepest recesses of your mind, where you confront your fears and doubts about existence. It's a heavy burden, carrying the weight of your own struggles and the suffering of the world within you. At times, it feels suffocating, like you're lost in a maze of your own thoughts, trying to make sense of it all. But amidst the darkness, there is also potential for a lot of spiritual growth. Your journey through the depths of your psyche can lead to a greater understanding of yourself and the universe. Meditate often, and write your thoughts, talk to someone like-minded. Do not isolate yourself either.

______♡______

That's all! Thanks for reading!

[pickmans-muse]

Submissive Headcanons Castlevania

TW: mention of triggers, pegging, dacryphilia, safewords, BDSM, shibari, overstimulation, size kink this is Hector’s fault I swear

Adrian/ Alucard

Adrian has always felt caught between two worlds, belonging in neither. He struggles with feeling like a mistake, a failure—especially when he’s alone. This man has depression, we know this. So, what he wants in subbing for you is affirmation and love.

Tell him how beautiful you find him—and try to do it about both halves of him. His golden eyes? Beautiful. His fangs? Beautiful. His sweet face? Beautiful. Make sure you praise and compliment him, as much as you can. He needs to hear that.

If we’re talking about pre-season-three Adrian, this will be easier. He’s still struggling with so much, but he hasn’t met Sumi and Taka yet, and he’s more open and trusting. If we’re talking about post-season-three Adrian? This will be very hard, not because his desires have changed, but because he doesn’t feel safe to express them—and he’s triggered by some things around sex after what happened with Sumi and Taka. He doesn’t want to be vulnerable again, so you’ll have to show him love and affirmation in daily ways to wear down his walls.

Either way, once he’s comfortable enough to have sex with you, Adrian will be a little awkward at first—in a sweet way. Before season three, he’s a virgin, so he’ll have no idea what to do; afterwards, he doesn’t really know that there’s more than one position for sex, and that you can check in with your partner. Be patient with him, okay? He’ll get there, and he’s so pleased when he finds what he likes. But he has a massive sex drive, so every spare minute he will come pleading to you with a boner he wants you to take care of.

Spoiler alert—he likes riding you. Doesn’t matter if you’re pegging him, or there’s a vibrator up there, or what. He wants to sit on your lap or waist and rock desperately against you. Let him—it’ll make him so happy that he’ll cry.

He cries a lot during sex. When he’s overstimulated (he’s sensitive, so that’s basically always), he cries. When he’s happy, he cries. When you’re worshiping his body and telling him how pretty he is? Yeah, you guessed it, he cries.

Check in with him before, during and afterwards. Set up a safeword, and explain how it works. He loves to know you care about him, that you want him to be comfortable and feeling safe. And lots of aftercare—baths, reading aloud in bed together. You get it. Take care of him, give him safety.

Adrian’s favorite thing about subbing for you is when you’re gentle and soft. He loves to feel you kissing him all over, to know that you’re not put off by his scar, to see the love in your face every time. He’s pretty vanilla; he just wants to be loved as he is, without reservations or fear.

Isaac

Yes, I know he doesn’t seem like a sub; bear with me. Isaac may be in control at all times, but for him, control is a measure of safety. If he’s in control and removed from the whole thing, nobody can hurt him emotionally—and under his shell, Isaac has a deeply emotional soul. His emotional pain never goes away, even from when he was a child. He’s never felt loved, but he wants that more than anything.

So, when Isaac does finally experience love, he melts. He discovers that he likes being taken care of, being pampered for no reason at all, by someone he trusts completely to love him. And he leans into that. Whenever you enter the room, he goes from being deadpan and stiff to smiling and immediately beelining for your open arms.

Isaac has a low sex drive, unlike Adrian and Hector, so he’s not going to be the kind of guy who begs you for it constantly (I see you, Hector). On the other hand, he doesn’t believe in half-measures. His first priority during sex is making you come. After that, he kind of spaces out, and you can do whatever you want.

He’s not very sensitive, so it takes a lot to overstimulate him—but he likes it every time. He’s a little kinky, though—because he likes to feel that he’s giving up control to someone who will praise him and worship him and have him melting bonelessly into the bed at the end of the night. His stamina is inhuman; he will go all night when he’s in the mood, so be prepared to keep him occupied the whole time.

There are some hard no’s for Isaac, though—things that remind him of his time being enslaved. No impact play, or ropes, or gags and blindfolds; that’ll freak him out, and he wants to see you. But if you tie him with ribbons, just a slip knot he knows he can get out of in seconds, he’s okay. He doesn’t mind the soft reminder not to move too much, especially if you check in during—and he’s the one who decides when he’ll use a ribbon.

His favorite part of subbing for you would have to be when you break him down fully, when he’s come apart with pleasure and he’s sobbing and moaning with it. It takes a while, but by the end he’s a mess, and that’s the part he lives for. And then when he comes down, and you bathe him and kiss him all over, telling him he’s been so good—he loves that.

Isaac’s the kind of sub who adores and worships you, in and out of bed; because his sex drive is so low, he ends up doing this by giving you massages, reading to you, doing chores, as a way to show that he loves you.

Hector

Hector before season three is very innocent in some ways and very indecent in others. He has an idea of what he likes in bed, and it’s pretty kinky, but he’s never had a partner. After season three, though, having those kinks and his trust misused against him, it’s going to take a long time for him to feel safe with sex again.

When he’s content and happy in a relationship, Hector has the highest sex drive of any of the boys. Pretty much anything you do, especially things where you’re in charge in some capacity, has him getting hot and whiny. Every day, sometimes multiple times, he’s begging you for attention.

Hector is also the kinkiest of the boys. If it’s a subby thing, he’s probably considered it at some point. Shibari? Yup. Overstimulation? All the way. Pet play? Oh, hell yes. have you met him? He loves being a good boy, and if you’re bigger or stronger than him, he’s basically drooling at that. (He won’t admit it, but if you’re a vampire, he’s kinky for that too.) Please manhandle him, tease him, show off your strength and size to control him.

Whether you’re a vampire or not, Hector wants you to bite him. You read that right. Leave hickeys everywhere, mark him as yours—it makes him giddy to know that he belongs to you. He’s very sensitive, particularly around the nipples, so that’s a great spot to tease him. And he loves when you’re protective of him too.

Hector has a particular thing for roleplay. He wants to be your pet, your omega, your servant—you name it. He definitely has a title for you in bed, and if he calls you that not in bed, it means he’s getting horny. However, if this is post-season-three Hector, do not put him in a collar or leash, and do not do pet play. He’s going to silently panic, and then just crumple. He’ll say he can do it—don’t let him. Just stick to other things, and make sure he knows you’re his lover, not his owner.

Favorite part? Probably when you show your dominance in bed. He loves it when you put him in a mating press and just slam into his prostate over and over until he’s drooling and he’s come more times than he can count and he can’t even form words. But he also loves when you gently hold him afterwards, and massage his aches, and stroke his hair.

As a sub, Hector is obedient, kinky, and so pliant. Just love him fiercely, and make sure he knows that you don’t own him. If anything, he owns your heart.

[unfortunate17]

I’ve always wanted to write Wilmon fic but nothing I write sounds like their authentic voice. You always manage to get them so in character, sometimes it feels like you’re secretory in the writer’s room. I guess I’m asking if you have any tips or tricks for characterizing Wille/Simon

Surprise, I’m actually Lisa

But thank you anon, that’s so sweet. Let me kind of lay out my thoughts on how I write them and hopefully that will help.

In general, I think you should always start with a character’s flaws and build their reactions to events/people from there. It’ll also give you a good starting place for whatever emotional journey you want to take them on.

For Wille’s flaws: there’s a lack of emotional maturity here. Wille’s usually not intentionally mean, but most of his flaws come from how unaware he is and how he ends up unintentionally hurting the people around him but is often unable to understand how he did so because, to him, his actions are always, completely justifiable. He’s almost emotionally stunted in a way, and he kind of has trouble identifying what he’s feeling at any given moment which is what makes him tip towards anger and frustration more often than not. He reacts poorly to situations and people he can’t control, which is a hallmark symptom of anxiety. As a result, he has trouble putting words to his thoughts in a meaningful, constructive way. He’s impulsive and stubborn and self absorbed.

For Simon’s flaws: he’s actually incredibly emotionally intelligent and very perceptive - but he uses this intelligence to be intentionally cruel when he’s angry. For example, in arguments with Wille or Sara, he uses his intellect to pinpoint exactly what he needs to say to cut them down completely. He’s very, very good at getting the last word and sometimes he gets kind of consumed by that. Simon’s definitely not the super nice approachable guy at school - he’s a cunt to Wille on his very first day, he’s loud and outspoken, and hard headed. He’s also got a slightly hypocritical streak of idealism where he’s an idealist when it comes to the things that affect him, but is sometimes unable to offer the same grace to other people, especially when he’s angry or hurt. He also has a difficult time asking for help and being vulnerable.

Wille’s positives: he’s loyal, romantic, and he doesn’t have a wandering eye, he likes being coddled a little and is unafraid to ask for it, he’s quicker to admit that he’s wrong and knows when to give in, he’s also incredibly bold and brave - he’s unafraid to be the black sheep of the family, but he still loves his family and wants them to be proud of him.

Simon’s positives: he’s incredibly selfless and wants to take care of the people he loves and genuinely likes being there for them, he likes being supported but not protected - he loves that Wille respects his autonomy and thinks he’s capable, he has a strong sense of right and wrong and he stands up for what he believes in even if it might hurt him or if he might end up being wrong. he’s also a romantic and he definitely likes grand gestures and praise.

As for their dynamic, I always liken it to that old Christmas story where the husband sells his prized pocket watch to buy his wife a set of expensive combs, only for her to have cut and sold her hair to buy him a gold chain for his watch.

Just don’t be afraid to make them fight and annoy each other and not always say the right thing. It doesn’t take away from their love in any way.

Sorry this got out of hand, but I could talk about it forever. Hopefully that was even the slightest bit helpful ❣️

[punksocks]

Pluto in 1st house + Scorpio Rising: Jealousy

So Scorpio rising/Pluto in the first is a really divisive placement to gain perspective on. And of course it is! It’s Pluto after all, and if Pluto is going to do anything it’s going to make a strong polarizing impact. I wanted to share my perspective as a Pluto 1st house and Scorpio rising individual.

The jealousy aspect is very divisive. It can sound conceited to go out in the world with a “they’re just mad because they’re jealous” attitude but I find this is often oversimplifying the experience of Pluto 1st housers/ Scorpio risings. 

My experience is colored by my Scorpio rising so this may not apply to everyone with Pluto in the 1st house, but Scorpio for all its allure and strength is still a water sign. Scorpio placement individuals have gone out into the world and been emotionally vulnerable at some point in their lives. Scorpio (and Pluto) is known as mysterious in part because of all the transformations they have gone through and how many identities they’ve appeared to shed throughout their lives. 

With gemini in the 8th house I’ve often found myself attracting enemies that would be really duplicitous. People would belittle me to my face then copy my ideas and my actions as if I’d be too naive to see that they’re blatantly ripping me off. I put distance in after my boundaries are crossed and that makes those people even more upset.

I feel like every Scorpio rising/ Pluto in the 1st individual has had an experience of someone growing close to them in order to attempt to take some part of the Asc individual away from them. The other side of jealousy is envy, and envy makes some people feel entitled to what they don’t have but feel like they deserve.

Often this envy/jealousy shows up in mimicry. I think Scorpio rising/Pluto in the 1st people dislike copycats because the lack of authenticity really goes against Pluto’s nature of stirring polarizing but authentic reactions from people.

Personally I’ve had these experiences with peers and family and friends. (Ex. I posted something I created to my story and someone at work literally looked at my story, copied it, and took it to our boss to show off their idea… then they got mad at me when I hid my story from them and they and other coworker called me conceited for it… And that’s just a tame example.)

I’ve also had my fair share of people that have tried to “mentor” me into being completely different so that they can control my ambitions and ability to manifest. Which has only made my perception more fixed/stubborn in how I’ve perceived people coming into my life. I used to second guess my assumptions and try to calm my intuition to be more considerate of what other people are going through, as a water rising but I had to stop. Not stop being considerate, of course, but stop letting in the people I sensed were resentful.

So through experience after negative experience I still stay open and positive with all the folks that enter my life for whatever reason, but I keep everyone except very few people at an arms length and out of my plans until they’ve happened. I don’t assume everyone is jealous of me, I honestly still assume the opposite but I’ve learned through a lot of trials that unfortunately envy does manifest more commonly in people that have been in my life than I had hoped for.

But using my Scorpio rising/Pluto in the first house filter for my experiences has saved me a lot of heartache and improved my life a good deal.

Often it turns out that, aside from tried and true loved ones, strangers tend to be the most benevolent and helpful. People that barely know me have been very kind and often impressed by my tenacity and have wished me the best. I believe that’s because these strangers have entered my life with only our small interactions in mind and haven’t been tempted by what they could gain by being immersed in my life. Whatever that may be. (Also, this isn’t everyone ofc just random good people I’m grateful for)

Deep down I still believe in the good in most people and showing at least kindness at first, even if I’m not wearing my heart on my sleeve and being as open as I once was in my youth. And I’m grateful for those that share sincere kindness in turn.

[sokkastyles]

I have, on a few separate occasions recently, seen the phrase "toxic boymom" used about Ursa, and aside from the fact that it's coming from the usual crowd of Azula apologists, I found it hard to articulate why I found that uncomfortable until I read more about the phrase, which seems to have originated on tiktok.

Oh, I could already pretty much guess what these "toxic boymoms" were like, and I'm not contesting that it's toxic (and sometimes abusive) parenting.

But there's also a certain undercurrent of misogyny present that actually hits the nail on the head with why I don't like seeing the term applied to Ursa.

I mean, aside from the fact that Ursa is nothing like these moms that openly admit to loving their sons more than their daughters (the claim that Ursa favored Zuko and neglected Azula can't be supported by the actual show), a lot of the critiques tend to focus on why it's toxic for the wrong reasons, and this is hardly surprising considering how much pressure society puts on mothers.

I saw, in particular, the claim that the reason this kind of parenting is toxic is because "he won't be emotionally mature enough to support his mother when he's older."

It makes me think of the term "momma's boy," and how there's often an insulting connotation there. The idea that a boy who is too close to his mother won't be able to grow into a "man" the way society says a man should be.

Of course, the goal of every parent should be to raise children that are emotionally mature enough to be their own person. I'm not arguing that there aren't parents who treat their children in ways that are genuinely toxic and even abusive by being too emotionally enmeshed, but I do have to question this toxic boymom thing when the focus seems to be on gender expectations. Especially when I see it applied to Ursa, whose only real crime was to try to protect Zuko from abuse as much as she could, to emotionally shield him in ways that he deserved to be shielded, and to teach him to be kind.

There's a certain undercurrent here that seeks to pathologize Zuko's emotional vulnerability as a child, to make it something wrong or some harm done to him by his mother. especially when contrasted with the gendered expectations of his militaristic nation and violent father. And combined with the fact that the abuse Zuko experienced from his father and sister centered around him being seen as weaker, it comes across as blaming Ursa for Zuko's abuse for "making him that way," for not teaching him how to be a real man (Ozai makes it pretty clear how he thinks Zuko should be raised when he says "suffering will be your teacher"), or for being too involved (see also Ozai using Zuko's attachment to his mother against him in DOBS because he knows it's something he can use to hurt him).

In any case, Zuko's story actually does a really interesting thing with the way his mom influenced him by having him take his heroic inspiration from his mom in a way usually reserved for dads in stories, when they aren't hyperviolent abusers like Ozai. It does this in a couple of ways, by having Ursa be Zuko's inspiration for "not giving up even when it's hard," and also helping him to remember who he is. Two things that Zuko does grapple with before really figuring them out. In the beginning, his tendency to not give up led him to get into some pretty dangerous situations and made him self-destructive, and when he remembered who he was in the Earth Kingdom village, they were less than impressed with receiving help from a Fire Nation prince. But once he does figure it out, he takes those lessons and uses them to build a more positive sense of self.

In conclusion, Ursa isn't a toxic boymom.

[tobeblamed]

but what about MEN?

how does supernatural treat men/masculinity? does it romanticize or condone them? does it treat them as a problem that needs to be solved or the solution itself?

idk i just wanna ramble about the winchester men, humor me............

with all my focus on portraying dean's toxic masculinity, i wanna take a moment to reflect on masculinity as a topic that spn sheds light on in such a pleasantly important way.

for context, some key relevant statements made by ContraPoints on her Men video (highly recommended to watch):

men are subjected to societal pressures to conform to traditional masculine ideals.

men face challenges in expressing vulnerability due to societal stigma.

men's rights movements often fail to address systemic issues and may perpetuate harmful ideologies.

i would argue, the show treats masculinity for what it is, with both its ideals and its flaws. male characters are not to be celebrated just because they're men; male characters are not condemned just because they're men, either.

that being said, let's take our main 3 masculine males: john, sam, dean. the show reflects on what ContraPoints highlights above via our 3 mains:

john is subjected to societal pressures to conform to traditional masculine ideals

sam & dean face challenges in expressing vulnerability due to societal stigma

take john winchester — hated by most, respected by very few. he's the ultimate personification of what the fandom calls "toxic masculinity". the ruthless, strict, drill sergeant, emotionally abusive father, condemned for who he is by the fandom. the show doesn't condemn him; the show doesn't glorify him, either. the boys do that; the boys condemn and glorify him in ways that the fandom themselves may disagree. because the show isn't here to criticize or praise him; the show is here to give him a story that drives the plot.

and now to sam winchester — one would argue that he's the "least" masculine of the three, whereas i would say that he's the "romanticized" ideal of a more "positive" take on masculinity. he possesses a positive masculine influence because of his characteristic empathy, charming introvertism, and calmness. he's not the brother known for "bottling up emotions", even when he keeps secrets to himself. he shows anger but never in a violent way under he's under a specific type of influence. he's always associated with themes of being tortured, never of the one performing torture or physical violence.

and then there's dean winchester — most popular of the main three (whom i would argue is the most toxic of the bunch, but no one's ready for that discussion), the arguably toxic but always with "good reason" kind of man. dean's always treaded the balance between being destined to become john but learning to be more like sam. pressured by his upbringing to be strong, brave, never show fear, never show weakness/emotion, yet always the one who will get a 5min monologue and talk about his feelings.

so, what do all three have in common? they all represent masculinity even if in different spectrums. they've all been violent, they've all been brave, they've all been vulnerable. they all possess the complex, multi-faceted aspects of masculinity. they've all shown that masculinity is much more complicated than simply "toxic", much more than just "manly" or "brave".

spn celebrates masculine ideals — heroism, courage, stoicism — sure, but it has no problem subverting others — such as lack of emotional sensitivity (these boys CRY) and independence (name a more codependent duo than sam and dean).

i guess where i wanna conclude is... going back to the conversation of why spn was never about women and that's why i don't see it necessary to read it through a feminist lens... i find that it wasn't necessarily made for men, either, but one could easily see it as such, and in a good way, too. to go back to ContraPoint's third remark:

men's rights movements often fail to address systemic issues and may perpetuate harmful ideologies.

the show does shed light in these systemic issues, and it does not necessarily perpetuate harmful ideologies — it cultivates 2 of the most beloved tv characters whose literal platonic love for one another is what is so compelling and attractive about them.

the main protagonists in this show are allowed to be vulnerable and cry while, very realistically so, experience the societal pressures of having to remain strong, of having to fight, to remain brave.

sam and dean may not have been made to be "role models" for young men, but at least they're not toxic representations of them, either. they are seen as humans who go through the entire spectrum of emotions and experiences, beyond "toxic" or "ideal" masculinity, beyond "masculinity" itself, even.

sam and dean really do be the good beans.

[theomnicode]

Saitama and Genos are just hopelessly baffling to me

As someone who has had a Significant other for 12+ years going or longer now, it is absolutely baffling to me how Saitama and Genos are somehow MORE involved than WE ARE in this intimate way that they're always joined at the hip, yet not physically or romantically involved somehow. And just as domestic and domestically intimate as actually involved, married couples.

Genos literally fetches Saitama's heart underwear boxers and puts them outside the bathroom so he can dress up after a bath. Genos would probably jump into the bath if it had room in it. Genos legit stared at Saitama wearing a tiny towel getting a massage from massage chair.

Genos has expressed in meta that he 100% thinks Saitama's consciousness and his body are beautiful, ergo he's about as attracted as cyborg who thinks his sensei is not interested and who's still figuring out his own emotions can be.

The only problem seems to be that Saitama and his emotions need a light switch put into ON position.

I can also count like minimum 4 dick jokes made about Saitama eating phallus shaped food objects and awakening libido joke in which Genos gut headbutts to boot, from the top of my head. Fucking bananas and popsicles man, one being anime-only addition. I can't believe it took me this long. Screw Metal bat making dick jokes, Saitama eating them is where it's at.

And the longest fry too. Saitama, not inside a family restaurant damnit!

Oh wait, Genos stole the fry, I guess he's the inside joke. The latex glove examination on the fry does not escape me either. Nor does the OVA episode theme.

And how come Saitama is comfortable lounging around in pyjama bottoms 5 days after Genos moved in when Genos is obviously drawing him reading manga? He's self-conscious about his bald head and self-image otherwise but not this?

Something shifted though, because Saitama actually held Genos physically close for the majority of 169.

Progress!

ONE is writing the slowest of slow burns in all of fiction. Within the time duration of mere 6 months in universe. It's gonna take another 7 years isn't it?

Come on man.

I can't make this shit up even if I tried.

How obvious can a parallel get?

Like how the other brown bear protects the smaller, white coloured and more vulnerable bear from the rain. Like how Genos rushed to Saitama's aid and protects his vulnerable emotions, his love for other beings (like his love for pets) from melancholy.

To his beloved's aid.

And he will find him before the stars do. Stars is the universe, ergo it's OPM God, who is also trying to prey on his emotional vulnerabilities. Long as Saitama only shows his emotional weakness to him and comes back home to him, his safe haven, he'll be fine.

It's not a coincidence that in the OVA, Bang had been thinking about 200 different ways how to take down Saitama when his guard was down. When Bang is one of the identities God has assumed to lure in emotionally vulnerable Garou.

Even without a map to the place where I'll return The heat of your heartbeat is guiding me The arrow of that thought is flying straight ahead Even if it's far away.. When we reach our hands out, the bond teaches us that kindness is strength That is what's important to have for living That's why I'll be back I'll be back to right here

Saitama: That’s not the point... I have the feeling that things like a heart to heart interaction, sharing an umbrella, warmth, are all things broken away in my life. Other people can have things like big events and circumstances happening, romances and such bringing happiness in their daily lives. I have the feeling something broke and that sweet-like fluffy, nice stuff just fell right off from me. That's what I meant.

Saitama: Genos, look, have you ever seen a hero anime without a love interest in it? Genos: I don't remember watching a lot of anime in the past.. Why do you ask? Saitama: Well, we're heroes, right? We're working and living as such. And yet, why are we indifferent towards things like love interests or girlfriends? In some way it seems obvious and logical, but is it really ok? Are you ok with reality being so much harder than fiction?

I can't make this shit up man.

I will be forever malding if ONE is writing some kind of unrequited love scenario. That would just be cruel. I just want them to be wholesome together like fate intended. ;_;

(Genos gets so jealous on the cd drama lmao)

(awakening libido is from rush of hormones and neurotransmitters like dopamine and his instinctive drives and desires jumpstarting on his younger body when his future self regained homestasis and connected the psyche)

[birchbow]

How exactly do moirails work? I keep getting confused between what constitutes a matespiritship and moirailegence. I know that moirails are able to help sooth and calm but I feel that there is way more to moirails than just that and I’m having a hard time understanding.

Ahhh, well, this is one of those things that's really only defined in-comic in a fairly skeletal way, and the form it takes in fics is always going to be like 50% headcanon, minimum. And in my case probably more because I've been fascinated by the concept of non-sexual romance/intimacy for a long time and so I've written a LOT of pale content lol. SO here's some rambling about moiraillegiance, which I'm pre-emptively putting under a cut because I know myself.

First, a brief review. Pale-related things we get in the canon, at a quick top-of-my-head scan, are basically:

some trolls are a more emotionally unstable/violent and will find somebody who complements their personality and helps keep them from murderously flying off the handle.*

of the four quadrants of relationships trolls are expected to have, this is not a concupiscient (sexual) one** but it is a (positive emotions toward your partner) one, which Karkat and the narration frame as "pity" (see "****")

At one point, a scene that appears to be setting up for a death-match is defused by one party shh-ing the other one and patting their face until they calm down, from which fandom took 'shooshing" and 'papping' as terms, from the sound effects in those panels.***

talking about your thoughts and emotions is mentioned several times in the context of pale relationships****, and I believe at one point called a feelings jam although I don't have it in me to dig back and see if that one is canon

that is the canon stuff that occurs off the top of my head

*how much of the part where the narrative explains quadrants is biased (because of what a shitshow Alternia is) is up for debate **fandom interpretation varies on this from "having sex with your moirail is a huge taboo" to "it's totally fine, it's just not one of the quadrants the drones demand contributions for". ***And also where I (and quite a few other people I would guess) started thinking about trolls having separate, alien instincts and responses to stimuli that humans would find relatively unremarkable, like having their face patted or having somebody shush them ****Alternia aggressively punishes perceived weakness to the point that seeing another troll being vulnerable and not killing them for it is narrated as "pity" which is the closest we seem to get to an Alternian-culture concept of "love". ANYWAY that probably has a finger on the needle RE: how exclusive it is to ONLY talk to your moirail about your feelings, because they're in a relationship with you and therefore hopefully won't cull you for it.

Things that are NOT canon include: most of it lmao. If you wanted an itemized list of things in my Troll Society writing that were made up almost entirely whole cloth, we would be here all day. Moving on!

When it comes to writing pale vs flushed, I mostly go by vibes, tbh lol. I suppose if I had to organize my criteria a little bit,,, I am going to spitball. Bear with me.

Pale looks at its partner and goes "I see the things wrong with you, and instead of culling you for them, we are going to fix them" and also "the place where we both are is a place we're both steady and safe" (passive/steadying/protective),

and flush is more like. "I see the things wrong with you, and instead of culling you for them I'm suffering them with you" and also "the place where we both are is a place where we Want More" (active/passionate/aggressive I guess??? Can't find the word).

or to rephrase

pale->unpicking feelings, controlling violent impulse, steadying emotional state, physical touch to invite a sort of subspace-adjacent hazy alien-arousal-that's-not-arousal.

flush->passionate, intense, active attraction, sometimes kind of violent! sometimes too passionate for its own good! Physical touch to work each other up and drive each other higher in a positive way (hopefully) (mostly) (trolls are violent assholes tbh)

I DON'T KNOW DUDE there's no guide for this stuff lol. As evidenced above, canon basically has just like a skeleton framework, so we are all out here putting these lines down ourselves.

Making this more complicated: regardless of what the author of any given fic headcanons as the social norm, it also makes sense to me that there are variations in trolls just like in humans. I usually don't write my pale pairings fucking, but it seems reasonable and inevitable to me that some trolls would be into that! Or trolls who were attracted to concupiscient quads but didn't want to bone down, although that's dangerous and untenable for reasons mentioned in previous asks.

fig 1: Meenah and Kurloz's swinging back and forth² from the (hate+fucking) quadrant to the (love/pity+no fucking³) quadrant in PoF felt like it came naturally as I was writing, because what else are two of the oldest, most powerful trolls in the universe going to do, when each of them is the only person around who comes close to actually knowing the other enough to hate/pity?

²Switching back and forth between quadrants is actually called "vacillating" and seems to be a fairly common event in troll society and media--the blurring/combining pale and pitch that they're doing is the more scandalous part, according to general fanon ³I have always preferred to write pale relationships with a lot of the traits my culture associates with sexual relationships (nudity, intimacy, an industrial porn complex lol) but to cut the sex and leave the rest and play with that contrast. How much of that is because I'm personally not sexually attracted to people, and I'm deeply Emotions about a society recognizing that kind of relationship as crucial and desirable??? I mean idk boss y'all don't pay me for introspection lol.

ANYWAY that also means the boundaries of what any given troll defines as "too much intimacy not to be pale" or "the feelings you're talking to me about are too personal for this not to be pale" or "you're touching me in a way that seems pale (or flushed)" are going to be different, which makes this extra hard to answer. Example!!

When I write Kurloz, I write him with an old-fashioned and strict view of what quadrants entail, but also being too old and above too many laws and social norms to give much of a shit about whether he blurs those lines or not most of the time. The little nods to things like it being slutty In His Time to wear your hair short and show off the roots of your horns hopefully bring across some of the cranky old man vibes lmao.

VERSUS when I write Karkat, I'm writing a much younger guy who spends a ton of time thinking about relationships and watching romcoms, synthesizing his own very in-depth thesis of What Feelings Are--and also just coming from a much younger generation. He's not nearly as comfortable blurring the lines, but he also places those lines in very different spots than Kurloz does.

TBH follow your heart haha it's just an alien sandbox and we're all just slapping sand around.

[fancyfade]

I thought I’d just ask you. Do you think you could do on Cyborg and Babs. They’re personalities and fighting styles. I don’t think I get any where with them.😅

like? Just a run-down on what I think their personalities are? :P

Vic in NTT* is portrayed as insecure in his place in the world and his body, due to having suddenly become disabled in a traumatic accident that also killed his mother. He wakes up to find his body modified (cybernetics) which is dad did to save his life -- there wasn't really a way to get Vic conscious and say "oh hey are you ok with this?" -- but understandable Vic is upset since like. His mom is dead and his body is completely different, he has to re-learn how to walk and do everything, and he views himself as one of his dad's 'science experiments'. (part of this is b/c his parents did do some experiments in his youth to increase his intelligence IIRC).

Vic is also pretty good at reading people. In NTT's first arc, he can tell that Wally cares about Raven (but is mad at her) and he kind of manipulates Wally to get him to help save people :P

People often view him as angry, and well, he does have lots of anger on the surface due to his insecurity and trauma, but I wouldn't say he has more than many of the other titans. He's actually not very likely to yell at people, he mostly just withdraws and avoids confronting emotions, like when he's feeling guilty that his civilian friend (Sarah Simms) got kidnapped by deathstroke and he was worried about her, he avoids the issue and just like. ghosts her I guess but ghosting wasn't invented yet as a term :P

Vic generally has positive rapport with most of the Titans, he calls people nicknames and oftentimes they seem slightly insulting on the outside (but like :P Lots of Titans do that, so he's not unique here) but they are affectionate. That's just how the Titans bond :P

He seems to have lots of rapport with Kory, they agree on a lot in terms of action, both being very direct people . Which makes it funny when Vic is like "for once I agree with you, Goldie". I'm like. VIc. You agree with Kory ALL THE TIME.

Vic also volunteers with Sarah Simms, who is a teacher for disabled children, some of whom have protheses and look up to him and admire him. He's portrayed as very patient and caring around the kids. He does have a strong connection to the disabled community here, and his comics are strongest when that is emphasized IMO. Here's a scene in ToT (link) that I liked that emphasized that

Less fighting style emphasis here, sorry.

Also: Link to a post (link) where I talked some about his relationship w/ his body and his parents.

Ok so Babs time:

Babs is a pretty direct woman, she reads as kind of autistic to me :P Lots of her conflicts with Dinah in BoP are kind of like a "logical vs emotional" thing, though maybe that's a bit of a simplified explanation? Like babs is normally a long-term thinker and risk adverse, Dinah is much less risk adverse (which makes sense, b/c Dinah is the one putting her life on her line, and superheroes seem more willing to risk their own lives in general than other people's :P)

She is not super open with her feelings, and it leads to some friction. she generally pushes people away. When Dinah gets captured and injured by Savant, Babs pushes her away emotionally, saying she should not go out in the field. She also in general pushes Dick away early on in BoP and keeps him at arms' length. Babs in general is a person who does not like to be emotionally vulnerable.

Somewhat related to this: the way babs processes trauma is oriented around control (link). She processes trauma in a way we see more male characters written with, where there is a lot less emphasis on her being afraid, she does not allow people to comfort her, and there is more emphasis on her getting mad and getting better.

She is a Planner ™. All her bases are super well defended, as we see in Hunt for Oracle and some NML comics. They have different lines of defense for different stages and threat levels.

She also is a huge believer in second chances and redemption, even in her pre-Oracle Batgirl days. (1 of my fave babs quotes is pre Oracle: "I’ll always believe in second chances. I’m too flawed myself not to"). I think that matters a lot because a) she does try to give other people second chances a lot and b) she does mess up a lot and try to get better. Like she apologizes after pushing Dinah away, and admits it was her own issues, and not Dinah. She is manipulative of Helena, trying to get her to change her morality without telling her, and also does apologize and make amends and stick in helena's corner. So she's a character with a lot of flaws, but she always tries to do better, and she extends that opportunity to other people, too.

Fighting style stuff later, I had this in drafts for a bit and it was getting long :P

*for many characters who debuted in New Teen Titans, NTT is my go-to reference :P

[amuhav]

All the odd questions of the Edgy/misc OC ask meme for Loch please.

What memory would your OC rather just forget?

His one-night stand with Ash. Because Amir was right, Loch wasn't some stupid confused teenager anymore. He was a grown man who even drunk knew it was a bad idea, knew he wasn't in the right headspace to give more than that, knew he was in a rebound friend's-with-benefits thing with Alice only because he'd just got out of another relationship and questioning his sexuality and whether he was even capable of being a person in a relationship, with anyone. He knew all that, and still got drunk and did it anyway. He convinced himself they both knew what they were doing and one brief moment of pleasure would be fine, when it really cost his already spiralling mental health, and the trust and mental health of Asher. And even though they're good (mostly) now, he knows he can never take it back, and he can never change that it put Ash in that vulnerable position for someone like Finn to swoop in.

What is your OC's fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

Not communicating honestly with people. Not just Ash, but really anyone. He rarely lets anyone know his actual wants and needs, I guess because growing up they didn't really matter.

How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

I mean, depends. We know Loch has very specific lines he won't cross, but... he is still a Karaish, and all of them have a sort of built-in "the rules don't apply to me" kind of mentality lol.

What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

Loch was supposed to AroAce which is honestly hilarious to me now. I mean, he is very much not asexual at all lmao, but he is kinda still on the aromantic spectrum. He knows he's never felt any romantic inclination towards any women, but he's not sure how that applies to men, though to be honest, he's at a point now where it doesn't really matter. If it's not Asher, it's no one. I really don't think he'd ever have actually been with someone legitimately if it weren't Ash.

What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it?

His words, and absolutely lol. It comes out more when he's drunk, but even sober push him enough and his tongue turns vicious.

If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

Absodamnlutely lmao. Mainly because we're pretty alike, but also because it reminds me of the catty banter relationships I have with my friend's IRL, or some of my old work friends. Extra yes because he's a guy I could have that kind of friendship with knowing he wouldn't be catching feelings too so I wouldn't have to worry about it lol.

Does your OC have a faceclaim? If so, who?

Noooooope. All of Gen 3 happened before I really knew of the concept of face claims lmao.

What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

Made his parents emotionally absent af whilst still being physically present lmao. Like, there's so many specific events in his life I could point to instead, but him stepping in to parent his younger sibs is like, the root cause of most of his issues. But his parents weren't ever abusive, or even truly neglectful, and in their own way they are still loving parents. So it's kinda... complicated? Like, he loves them and can't hate them, and he feels any bitterness towards them isn't really worth addressing, and it's not like they can do anything about it now anyway. Like, it's not going to change what it did to him. It made him the person he is and that can't be undone, so why ruin that relationship now?

How does your OC behave when enraged?

He usually either gets bitchy or he lashes out, depending on the specifics.

Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it?

~anxiety~. for which he currently takes meds and has been through a course of CBT.

What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

Vulnerability. He hates feeling it, and hates showing it. So he runs from it, or twists it into something else, like anger.

What is your favorite thing about your OC?

He's a lil bitch and honestly, I ~vibe~ with it lol. Especially now he's making that petty, bitchy side of himself more public. Like, there's a lot about him that drives me fuckin insane, but his cattiness definitely isn't one of them lmao.

[absent-o-minded]

Jesper and Inej Deleted Scene - Analysis

Scenes get cut for various different reasons, whether it comes down to lack of episode/season placement, running times, not fitting an intended vibe/tone etc. However, that doesn't mean that some resigned part of me will not be upset that this scene was not included, because it instantly became one of my favourites of S2.

So, here are some thoughts:

A beautiful thing about Inej is that she only lets others know of her presence should she want them too. She is a master of anonymity. Multiple times throughout both seasons, we see this happen. In the very first episode of S1, she lingers by the window, an implicit signal to Kaz that she is present. It also echoes in her choices to be deliberately known of, such as in S2 with the taxidermist, where she intentionally makes her entrance known, instead of slipping in through some crevice. Always, her choices are driven and deliberate.

Throughout both the books and the show, Jesper is constantly spooked at Inej's sudden appearance. He is a character who is constantly in motion, so the art of invisibility is something he reacts to. But this is the first instance where he is not surprised. From the dialogue, "You're not coming back to Ketterdam, are you?", he already anticipated that Inej was leaving. He also, in knowing Inej, knew that she wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.

I think it's partly because Inej wanted Jesper to know that she was there, and what she was there for, but also because this moment was not a surprise. To anyone. Back in S1, Jesper already says "I don't have a say in what you do with your shot of freedom." As much as Kaz gives him slack for being impulsive, for missing the small details, Jesper foresaw Inej leaving way before Kaz did.

"I was already the looks of the operation, guess I'm going to have to be the heart too."

I love this line so much. I think it captures not only their relationship, but also their positions in the Dregs/Crows as a collective unit. Inej's heart is big enough to swell an ocean. It's repeatedly spoken about in the duology how Inej was the clue to the whole gang. She was the clasped hands, the tape, the glue and the bridge, holding everyone together. This is why everything goes into disarray when she is taken by Jan, and why certain pairs reach their most tense. Her unwavering faith, and her hope, and her rational, is just part of why the Crows survive the broken world the way that they do.

But, this also references that Jesper was very much secure in not being the heart of the operation, because he doesn't see himself fit to be that. Or more so, he doesn't give himself the credit that he could equally be the heart of the operation. He dismisses his contributions under the usual humorous guise, playing his role for laughs. He tries to deflect from sentimentality in the same way that he tries to avoid any emotionally charged moments.

What he doesn't realise is that it's that same humour that breaks the tension, that offers a comfort amidst certain doom, that serves as a catharsis to bracket everything in between. And that in all of his worrying of 'Can they see right through me?', Inej did something worse. She saw him.

I think that for Inej and Jesper, they are a comfort for one another. Most noticeably because Inej feels comfortable enough to cry in front of Jesper. One of the strongest forces allowing herself to be vulnerable, because she trusts him.

It's also interesting that Inej decides to cover her face, or to obscure her expression whilst she cries, because it suggests that there is still a barrier. Amita mentioned in a panel how Inej's trauma is always at the forefront of her mind, and through choosing to cover her face, it harks back to the repression of emotion that Inej was forced to learn in order to survive at the Menagerie. All of the feigned emotions, the expressions that were purchasable, the proposed fantasy that choked the reality, all of it bleeds through.

You can argue that through being the glue, Inej is given some sort of an unfair burden, but it's important to note that whilst she may be the glue, every other member is a stick that holds her up. They all bat back at Kaz when his reluctance to communicate and stubbornness takes over: "Is Inej going to be okay?", "You know, Inej took some serious damage.", "You might want to keep your Wraith grounded for awhile."

This scene is just so OJSW''LLDJIOEJ GOD-

Jesper's initial response to Inej standing and walking over to him is just to stand there. He makes no hurried movements to immediately comfort her, nor does he step away to give some supposed space. He stands, staring at her face, to give her a moment of un-broken presence. But also, he is considerate of the temperature of the moment. Perhaps he isn't sure what to do with himself in a moment like this, and for once is worked into stillness. Perhaps it's because he respects Inej's choices, both with her life and with her relationships, and let's her have control over any physical affection. Maybe, he's just trying to prolong talking with her, to savour it.

I just think that her scrunching her fists in his waistcoat and gently tugging him forward is such a brilliant show of their brother/sister relationship. It's childish. It's wholesome. It's an action that young children will do, but it fits so well.

You know when the found family starts found family-ing? That's the good shit.

Initially, I had to go back through the books to see if I had missed Harij as a character, but then remembered that one of the changes they made for the adaptation is to give Inej a brother. It could've just been added as an additional motive for Inej to go looking for her family, but I think that it's interesting how it changes the relationships of the OG Crows with Jesper, because both Kaz and Inej now have a brother. In a way, Kaz and Inej are grounded on the fact that they are given the same thing worth fighting, even killing for. More importantly though, they both have something to mirror Jesper.

They both see him as a brother. Kaz, in his own cynical and not entirely healthy way, models Jesper after Jordie. He rinses Jesper's impulsivity because he is worried about where it might lead him. He delivers him hard truths to protect him. He loves him, but will never say it outright - "Tell Jesper that he's missed. Around the Slat."

In being taken away from her brother, Inej has followed the same thing. She doesn't say, "But you, Jesper, are my brother too" because she doesn't need to. He is categorised as closely as family. It's ironic, in this scene, because Inej hopes to "reunite" her family, but in doing so, she has to separate herself from her second family.

For both of them, Jesper fills that tiny void. They see their brothers, both the lost and the gone, in Jesper's unrelenting closeness.

I am....unwell over this screenshot.

Physical affection and intimacy, regardless of its intention or form, is so complex when considering Inej's trauma. "Even now, a boy will smile at me on the street, or Jesper will put his arm around my waist, and I feel like I'm going to vanish."

Initially, Inej doesn't immediately respond. In a sudden burst of decisiveness, or comfort, or guilt, Jesper hugs her tightly. Because of their height difference, he has to physically bend down to do so. And Inej doesn't, or rather cannot, return it without registering it first. (I love the hallucination scene as much as the next person, but I really do feel like it was a missed opportunity to delve into Inej's backstory).

But then, she does. She shows strength in allowing herself to have this moment.

Inej Ghafa, who once said that she would never miss Ketterdam, now saying that she will miss what, or who, was there.

I just think that this is so lovely in illustrating how close Inej and Jesper are, and how in pursuing her own life and reaching far beyond what was chosen for her, Inej is still anchored in her love for her family.

And again, Jesper deflects with, "Oh yeah. Course you will." because he doesn't want himself to stint Inej's life further. He doesn't want to prevent Inej from going, or for her to be far out at sea, ruminating over how she misses them all. If he had explicitly said, "I'll miss you too", I think that it definitely wouldn't leave Inej's mind. It's too close to his heart to admit that he'll miss her just as much, maybe even more than she could, if that's even possible. Even in the ASOCAS2 Panel, Kit said that without Inej, Jesper would be an emotional wreck.

There is a sort of unspoken understanding that passes between them. She knows that he won't say it back, otherwise it's too real, too fresh, and he'll have to confront the fact that she really is going. He knows that she really means it.

This sequence of affection only further solidifies the trust between the two, but it also shows that to compensate for his lack of words, Jesper kisses the two places that are most significant - Her hand and her head.

It's this subtle signal that Jesper appreciates Inej most for not what she represents (sincerity, hope, the last ounce of good in this broken band of dolls) but for what she does. The hand that prays and wields the knife. The same hand that holds him. The head that remains hopeful. The same head that rests against him. It's a really beautiful moment. Whether it was intentional or not, we will never know.

I also think that this moment is important for Jesper in terms of trust. He is so often left out of the loop, or doubted before he has even begun, that his trust starts to waver. But, to know that Inej is comfortable enough to let herself be vulnerable, to trust him enough to say goodbye, is a comfort for him. Jesper is a secret sentimentalist. He may use humour as his mechanism, but beneath that, he will cherish that Inej let him properly say goodbye.

"Where're you going now?" / "To say my prayers"

For once, Inej leaves in the open light, and Jesper watches her go. There are no shadows for her to slip into. There is only the sun, the open of the hills, and Jesper, stood by rocks. Inej's faith is so integral to her character, and I was really happy that this was not dulled down in the book to screen adaptation process.

Jesper just clicks his fingers and nods, looking down at his feet. He would never ask her to stay. That is the arc that is reserved for Kaz, who is initially selfish but desperate, but then grows to actively help Inej achieve her freedom.

The issue is that Jesper is usually the one who walks away. But this time, he is having to watch his closest friend do it. And it's like watching a sister leave.

It's all shits and giggles until the comic relief breaks down.

Unlike Inej, Jesper waits until she is out of ear-shot, walking down the hill or turned round the corner, for it all to come out.

But even then, it's stifled. It's like he's gripped by his sadness suddenly, like Inej physically leaving opened some repressed emotion that Jesper knew was bubbling to the surface, but was trying to keep down. He suddenly feels the weight of her absence. He realises the potential that he might never see her again. He wipes his hand over his face, he scratches at his neck. Her departure is already itching away at his skin. Everything comes in one big wave, like he was trying to will it into not being permanent, but knowing that it very well might be.

I also think that this ending is great, but Jesper can't use humour to distract himself. After the hallucination scene in Ep6(7?), Jesper comes to and then asks if anyone else's dream was one of "happiness or joy", which clearly, was not the case at all for any of the other Crows. But here, in this secluded part of a hill, Jesper is left out in the open and unravelling.

______________

For me, one of the main appeals of the Crows is their relationships. I love the romantic ships as much as the next fan, and I think that they are so nuanced and well-written. But, I also love the Crows for their fearsome friendships.

Inej has incredible friendships with pretty much every crow which is shown in numerous brilliant moments in the books, but there are some great and (probably) underappreciated platonic relationships like: Kaz and Wylan ("You're letting shame decide who you are."), Jesper and Matthias ("I can hear you, Fahey"), Nina and Kaz ("Talk to me when you've done something about that terrible haircut") etc etc

[fuumiku]

Catharsis

This thing legit took me like 2 months bc it got corrupted twice and I had to start over again and again haha,, But I finally got my new ipad + apple pencil!! So you know this is the first thing I’m going to finish with it hah. Y’all can have different versions as a treat because I’m indecisive af ALSO I KNOW that the way I drew Metal’s upper quill isn’t right, it’s heresy I know I know, I prob won’t draw it this way again but I just wanted to. It’ll also be higher resolution next time I swear... Dropping 2 Metal Sonic angst fics I wrote here too bc why not:

Forget Me Not:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/39893574  “Sometimes, even though Metal Sonic has an infallible data card with undeletable memory files, he wishes he could forget. “ / Soft angst about Eggman being an abusive parent. No metamy

(And so,) I Mourn the World and Myself:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/40428456 / angst with a touch of comfort, major theme of suicidal ideation and depression, pre-established metamy.

There’s something paining about how Metal Sonic can’t cry. Like...

"Crying is an excellent way to release stress and pent-up negative emotions and turmoil.” Metal: haha, guess I’ll die

It’s pretty much canon that Metal channels his pain into (emotionally-drive) impulsive self-destructive acts and goals, and ties it all in a neat bow of anger that hides envy and bitterness. What I love about Metal Sonic particularly is how he’s so fully denied any sort of catharsis. His only parental figure shuns vulnerable emotions like sadness and compassion and pushes him to be an hypercompetent tool of war. He physically can’t cry, talk nor make facial expressions, so he can’t even talk about himself or his feelings at all, he’s so isolated with his own thoughts, he has so little capacity for self-expression. What else is there than smashing things up to be seen? He has no one, people wouldn’t lend him the ear he needs even if he could talk probably, and the person people assume is his biggest ally and most positive relationship (Eggman) damages his mental health more than anyone else. He seeks catharsis through unleashing anger, but it makes him make bad impulsive decisions that cost him both victory and his own health, that feel unsatisfying after the fact, and that reinforce the evil image people have of him. He struggles with his identity, self-esteem, rigid thinking and world view, and his parental figure set the basis for that from day 1 and encourages his instability, he ends up coping through delusions that become huge and so destructive most notably in Sonic Heroes. He wants to be free. He wants to be someone. He wants to be seen and acknowledged for all the efforts he makes and all his objectively great achievements and abilities. Mostly, he wants to be loved, hoping even through his self-delusions that one day he could be, without having to always prove that he’s worthy of it

So yeah I wanted to do something with that, I really like the idea that he’d cry through electricity discharges like this. It’s a system dysfunction, like an uncontrollable overspill of emotions and energy, it’s big and bright because of his subconscious & vulnerable want to be seen, and it’s dangerous and angry like the power he wants to emanate. Harsh rough inhuman edges that scare, but in truth it’s just very sad and desperate. Loss of control my beloved, he’d either be so afraid of that or convinces himself that he intended it all along. Meltdown? Meltdown. (Anyone love how meltdown is a term used with nuclear reactor dysfunction as well? Me too) 

Might as well say this too but usually when Metal is "crying", tbh moreso having a metldown yeah, but like needing to externalize his pain and sadness, I imagine him a lot like Whitty from Friday Night Funkin’: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hU4jB8OIG-U&t=34s&ab_channel=ChrisuGaming You love to see a guy break down because of an overwhelming mess of emotions, because anger is a bad ✨coping mechanism✨. I just imagine Metal a lot like some silent pariah, crying in a way that is so invisible, until he explodes. Which, for this pic it’s definitely more on the silent pariah side, but pretty much on the verge of cracking yeah.

Tldr: Mob psycho 100% meltdowns is just autism culture

Also if ya like the vibes of this and how I see Metal, here’s my spotify playlist of  him if you want to listen! I’m huge on the theme of emotional suppression and breakdowns heh: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2IzscWh2HsWPZE5sgJUbt1?si=2bc8943c91474476

[pacific-rimbaud]

Thank you SO MUCH for your panville works. I find it therapeutic to read the caring and deeply loving dynamic you embed in them. Also love how you deal with Pansy's background and trauma. While she is by no means unprivileged, I think her wounds resonate deeply with anyone for whom parental love was unstable in childhood. Your writing inspires me so much. I hope you know the positive impact you have on fellow internet strangers. Fr I've reread a dress with pockets more times I care to admit and RoT is on its 3rd re read because it helps me deal with shitty days.

I have two questions regarding your own visualization of the characters in RoT that may fall out of the scope of the actual story (I imagine you might not delve into these too much even if you do have an idea of them in your head)

1. Do you imagine Pansy's mother's own trauma too, when you write? Like what are the wounds that made her such a cold/unloving parent to Pansy?

Ive been thinking of it as being classic objectification of pureblood women for future marriage. Like Pansy's mother never wanted to have a child but was forced to because she's a woman and that's her duty. Would you agree with this or is she a much more sinister character?

2. In what concrete ways would you say Pansy's strengths complemented Neville's weaknesses when they began dating? We see their relationship in a super specific context where they are in their late 20s but Pansy's growth got somewhat reverted to her teenage/younger years (so it makes complete sense we see her mostly being taken care of by Neville!!). But I ask because Harry's witty response to Pansy regarding Neville "deserving what he wants" made me feel a bit sad.

Like I get that Neville's a lot more emotionally sound than she is, but I guess it made me think about whether Pansy's life is "earned" beyond her trying to be better just for Neville's sake.

I imagine her fierce protectiveness of those she loves and her ability to set boundaries without taking people's shit must have been very attractive to a younger Neville?

Sorry if this question is too obvious. I think it hits close. I relate with Pansy's trauma and waking up one day as Neville's wife would indeed feel like heaven (thank you again Harry!). But I could not imagine being able to correspond to a love like that in ways that society traditionally categorizes as love.

Much love. Thank you again for sharing your beautiful brain with us xx

Thank you so much for reading! Truly so appreciative that anyone takes the time to follow a novel-length rare pair fic.

Answers under the cut!

Pansy's mother did not want kids. Full stop. Her father was indifferent to the idea, but definitely didn't want to marry Pansy's mother. My headcanon is that Pansy's mother had an ill-advised fling with Pansy's entitled rake of a father as a young woman, became pregnant, and was compelled to enter into a miserable, lonely marriage and raise a child she had absolutely no affection for. Pansy's father was interested when he chose to be, which wasn't often. Nonexistent or unreliable attachment all around. And so it's clear, this characterization isn't an excuse or attempted explanation for Pansy's cruelty as a child. I've known many casually cruel children over the years. It's not at all unusual. Heartbreaking and yet garden variety example: a few socioeconomically privileged kids in my son's class recently approached another group of children, some of whom have serious challenges at home, and told them that their mothers didn't love them as much as their mothers. Kids can be mind-bogglingly vicious people, even with the "right" parenting. They're kids! Their brains aren't fully cooked yet. Moving the empathy needle and fostering healthy culture in a school requires skillful adult intervention, which obviously was not happening at Hogwarts. Pansy's upbringing in this story is an explanation for why she struggles to be vulnerable, why she's so deeply haunted by a history of feeling unlovable, and why the prospect of motherhood in general and an unplanned pregnancy in particular carries a special horror for her. Basically what makes your second question a little tricky to answer....

...because she's such an unreliable witness to her own life in this. I love fanon Pansy more than anything. She's abrasive, sometimes filterless, terrifyingly perceptive, doesn't suffer fools. Which I just love so much. She's someone who cannot be other than herself, and that self is often pretty spiky. But if someone can get inside, she's also unrestrained in her tenderness. Once Pansy is on your side, you're ride or die. She'd do anything for you. Definitely would help you bury a body. And what I deeply love about Panville is that Neville gets to go further: he gets the innermost parts of her, which truly are so, so sweet and open and loving. She's an incredible partner. Neville has it made and knows it. And to try to answer your question, I don't tend to think about what they bring to the table, or whether anyone "deserves" anything, which is the error Pansy keeps making. I see them very much in the vein of, "I was in the middle before I knew I that I had begun." They're the catching feelings pair, whether it's friends to lovers or casual hook up to something more, because absolutely no way does she ever go into anything at all intending to be vulnerable. But he has the intuition of someone used to paying attention from the sidelines. He's curious. There's something there. He doesn't know what it is, but he'd like to. With enough patience, she unfurls. It's about the power of attentiveness and the inexplicable magic of deep connection. The payoff for Neville risking getting close enough to Pansy to peek inside is a spiky little wife who can't get enough of him in bed, has a full life of her own with passions and interests and relationships and is also deeply invested in their domestic happiness. She is profoundly, unswervingly in his corner. She sees and knows him. The payoff for Pansy risking her heart is this beautiful, kind, loyal man who adores her and whose sensibilities and preferences perfectly align with her own practical nature. He also happens to make great scones. Neither of them grew up understanding what they have was even possible, and I hope it's clear in the story that they both deserve every minute of it. 💜

[dayurno]

hey! so i read your fic casket fresh and i love it!!! i was just wondering if you could explain the vampire drop and transition thing? it happens multiple times? is it like a monthly thing is kevin basically on his period

BASICALLY ON HIS PERIOD GHNSDFJGSKDF nooo noo ok let me tell you. please bear with me for a second a lot of casket fresh was written from a hospital bed. suspend your disbelief with me ok

the transition is basically just the vampire venom spreading through his body and quite literally killing him a little more every time, with the drops being times where it is circulating at peak capacity. the transition should last at most half a year (it's longer for vampires than for werewolves, and more painful too; there's a reason they're such a small population and kevin is the only vampire in palmetto at the moment of the fic) (though you can guess yourself who is the other vampire still kicking post-riko's death) (it's jean) and it's a very vulnerable time physically and emotionally, which is why it's court-mandated that the vampire's sire stays with them and nurses them through the transition lest they become a danger to humans

andrew stepping in as kevin's sire after riko dies is akin to voluntary work for his community, and actually a really big responsibility. i can't for the life of me remember if i included this, but kevin *was* assigned other handlers before andrew, and it didn't end well because his position of vulnerability made him feel threatened and caged in. kevin actually attacked his last assigned handler, which is why the court allowed him to stay without a sire before andrew stepped in

[coochiequeens]

It is reasonable to think a man saying he wants to be a single father because he doesn’t want a relationship should prompt some investigation by someone expert in child welfare about his emotional capability to parent alone.“

Infertility can be deeply painful. There is a lot a compassionate society can – and should – do to make fertility treatment available to those who can be assisted to have a child with medical intervention. Few would disagree though that there are ethical boundaries to this, shaped by children’s interests, not just adult desires.

Last week, the Law Commission drove a coach and horses through that moral frontier – which it framed as an overdue modernisation of the law – by publishing draft proposals to reform the UK’s surrogacy framework. Implicit in them is the, I suspect controversial, assumption that a single man seeking to have a child alone through surrogacy, because he doesn’t want or can’t maintain a committed relationship, presents no greater moral quandary than a couple seeking IVF. How controversial is anyone’s guess: the Law Commission hasn’t canvassed public attitudes.

Surrogacy is the practice of a woman conceiving, gestating and giving birth to a baby – using her own or donor eggs – for another couple or individual who can’t do so themselves. The UK is one of few countries in which it is lawful. There are important safeguards intended to guard against exploitation: surrogates can only be compensated for reasonable expenses, to try to ensure their motivations are altruistic, not financial. The surrogate is legally the child’s mother until the intended parents are granted a parenting order by the family courts, if and only if they deem it is in the child’s best interests.

Surrogacy remains small-scale in the UK: just 300-400 orders are granted a year, limited by the number of women who want to become surrogates. But in countries like the US and Georgia, where commercial surrogacy is legal – where economically vulnerable women can be paid to carry a baby and surrogacy is governed by legally enforceable contracts that the UN special rapporteur on child exploitation says constitute the sale of children – it is bigger business. In contrast, the UK legal framework tolerates surrogacy but does not actively encourage it.

The Law Commission has recommended wholesale reform that makes the surrogacy process more akin to IVF. It proposes a new “pre-conception” pathway, governed by a surrogacy agreement, in which the intended parents automatically become the legal parents of the child at birth unless the surrogate withdraws consent before birth. The family courts will no longer oversee these arrangements unless the surrogate applies for a parental order in the first six weeks after birth. Instead, surrogacy will be pre-approved by surrogacy agencies, in the same way fertility clinics sign off on IVF. The commission makes sweeping – but unevidenced – claims that this is in the best interests of children and that because it reduces uncertainty, it will increase the amount of surrogacy that happens in the UK by discouraging people from making use of more exploitative regimes abroad.

There are some positive aspects to the proposals: tighter regulation of expense payments to avoid surrogacy being commercialised through the back door; everyone involved would have to undergo counselling. Children would have the right to access information about their surrogate in the same way as those conceived using donor sperm or eggs.

But in adopting a starting point that surrogacy is just another form of assisted conception, the Law Commission has gone beyond its remit. It reduces pregnancy to a process, a transactional exchange of body fluid between a woman and a foetus rather than a relationship between a mother and the life she is nurturing physically and emotionally, that there are ethical considerations involved in breaking at birth, regardless of the desires of the individual adults involved. It is for us as a society to decide whether we want the law to actively encourage rather than tolerate this, not for the Law Commission to make recommendations without even exploring public attitudes.

The Law Commission report is peppered with imagined case studies that invoke sympathy: straight couples where a woman can’t carry a pregnancy and gay male couples who see surrogacy as their only way to have a biological child. But a better ethical test is the men who openly say they want to become fathers through surrogacy because they would rather be single parents. There would be few barriers to them doing so.

This encapsulates the extent to which the Law Commission proposals are catering to the desires of adults with a vested interest in surrogacy – however valid their reasons – over and above child welfare. It proposes a light-touch welfare check as part of the pre-conception pathway, but this would rely in the main on potential parents self-declaring issues of concern and would be carried out by surrogacy agencies that though not-for-profit would still have an interest in making surrogacy happen; the Law Commission itself suggeststhat private fertility clinics can set up not-for-profit “arms” to act as surrogacy agencies. It explicitly declines to say that the person legally responsible for these checks should have knowledge or experience of child safeguarding. These surrogacy agencies would supposedly be regulated by the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority, which lacks meaningful expertise in child welfare. It is all jaw-droppingly naive.

The counter is that there are only light checks for women and couples conceiving through IVF and nothing for people who become parents naturally. But surrogacy is the only route through which a single man as a sole parent can create a biological child.

Gestation is a natural if not fail-safe form of safeguarding in a world where a minority of men are responsible for almost all physical and sexual violence and men on average pose a different risk to children than women. This isn’t to say some single men who want to go it alone might not make good fathers – single men can and do adopt successfully after robust welfare checks – but that it should be harder than getting signed off for IVF.

It is reasonable to think a man saying he wants to be a single father because he doesn’t want a relationship should prompt some investigation by someone expert in child welfare about his emotional capability to parent alone.

At the heart of the Law Commission proposals is the assumption that surrogacy should be made cleaner to the benefit of the adults involved. But surrogacy is inherently messy, uncertain and ethically complex, because no one has a claim to a baby they haven’t given birth to purely on the basis of genetics and pregnancy cannot be reduced to a transaction.

The Law Commission loftily calls for the government to “endorse these essential reforms”. But on an ethical issue such as this it is vital that politicians consult the public rather than taking direction from a legal body that has grossly overstepped its remit.

 Sonia Sodha is an Observer columnist

 This article was amended on 5 April 2023. In an earlier version the writer commented that the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) “has no expertise in child welfare”. This has been amended to “lacks meaningful expertise” to make clearer that, while the HFEA has a statutory function in overseeing “welfare of the child” assessments required of fertility clinics, this is the writer’s assessment of the agency’s overall expertise in child welfare and safeguarding. The name of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority has also been corrected.