#i guess not everyone experiences the same degree of severity as me

[nostalgebraist]

Honestly I'm pretty tired of supporting nostalgebraist-autoresponder. Going to wind down the project some time before the end of this year.

Posting this mainly to get the idea out there, I guess.

This project has taken an immense amount of effort from me over the years, and still does, even when it's just in maintenance mode.

Today some mysterious system update (or something) made the model no longer fit on the GPU I normally use for it, despite all the same code and settings on my end.

This exact kind of thing happened once before this year, and I eventually figured it out, but I haven't figured this one out yet. This problem consumed several hours of what was meant to be a relaxing Sunday. Based on past experience, getting to the bottom of the issue would take many more hours.

My options in the short term are to

A. spend (even) more money per unit time, by renting a more powerful GPU to do the same damn thing I know the less powerful one can do (it was doing it this morning!), or

B. silently reduce the context window length by a large amount (and thus the "smartness" of the output, to some degree) to allow the model to fit on the old GPU.

Things like this happen all the time, behind the scenes.

I don't want to be doing this for another year, much less several years. I don't want to be doing it at all.

----

In 2019 and 2020, it was fun to make a GPT-2 autoresponder bot.

[EDIT: I've seen several people misread the previous line and infer that nostalgebraist-autoresponder is still using GPT-2. She isn't, and hasn't been for a long time. Her latest model is a finetuned LLaMA-13B.]

Hardly anyone else was doing anything like it. I wasn't the most qualified person in the world to do it, and I didn't do the best possible job, but who cares? I learned a lot, and the really competent tech bros of 2019 were off doing something else.

And it was fun to watch the bot "pretend to be me" while interacting (mostly) with my actual group of tumblr mutuals.

In 2023, everyone and their grandmother is making some kind of "gen AI" app. They are helped along by a dizzying array of tools, cranked out by hyper-competent tech bros with apparently infinite reserves of free time.

There are so many of these tools and demos. Every week it seems like there are a hundred more; it feels like every day I wake up and am expected to be familiar with a hundred more vaguely nostalgebraist-autoresponder-shaped things.

And every one of them is vastly better-engineered than my own hacky efforts. They build on each other, and reap the accelerating returns.

I've tended to do everything first, ahead of the curve, in my own way. This is what I like doing. Going out into unexplored wilderness, not really knowing what I'm doing, without any maps.

Later, hundreds of others with go to the same place. They'll make maps, and share them. They'll go there again and again, learning to make the expeditions systematically. They'll make an optimized industrial process of it. Meanwhile, I'll be locked in to my own cottage-industry mode of production.

Being the first to do something means you end up eventually being the worst.

----

I had a GPT chatbot in 2019, before GPT-3 existed. I don't think Huggingface Transformers existed, either. I used the primitive tools that were available at the time, and built on them in my own way. These days, it is almost trivial to do the things I did, much better, with standardized tools.

I had a denoising diffusion image generator in 2021, before DALLE-2 or Stable Diffusion or Huggingface Diffusers. I used the primitive tools that were available at the time, and built on them in my own way. These days, it is almost trivial to do the things I did, much better, with standardized tools.

Earlier this year, I was (probably) one the first people to finetune LLaMA. I manually strapped LoRA and 8-bit quantization onto the original codebase, figuring out everything the hard way. It was fun.

Just a few months later, and your grandmother is probably running LLaMA on her toaster as we speak. My homegrown methods look hopelessly antiquated. I think everyone's doing 4-bit quantization now?

(Are they? I can't keep track anymore -- the hyper-competent tech bros are too damn fast. A few months from now the thing will be probably be quantized to -1 bits, somehow. It'll be running in your phone's browser. And it'll be using RLHF, except no, it'll be using some successor to RLHF that everyone's hyping up at the time...)

"You have a GPT chatbot?" someone will ask me. "I assume you're using AutoLangGPTLayerPrompt?"

No, no, I'm not. I'm trying to debug obscure CUDA issues on a Sunday so my bot can carry on talking to a thousand strangers, every one of whom is asking it something like "PENIS PENIS PENIS."

Only I am capable of unplugging the blockage and giving the "PENIS PENIS PENIS" askers the responses they crave. ("Which is ... what, exactly?", one might justly wonder.) No one else would fully understand the nature of the bug. It is special to my own bizarre, antiquated, homegrown system.

I must have one of the longest-running GPT chatbots in existence, by now. Possibly the longest-running one?

I like doing new things. I like hacking through uncharted wilderness. The world of GPT chatbots has long since ceased to provide this kind of value to me.

I want to cede this ground to the LLaMA techbros and the prompt engineers. It is not my wilderness anymore.

I miss wilderness. Maybe I will find a new patch of it, in some new place, that no one cares about yet.

----

Even in 2023, there isn't really anything else out there quite like Frank. But there could be.

If you want to develop some sort of Frank-like thing, there has never been a better time than now. Everyone and their grandmother is doing it.

"But -- but how, exactly?"

Don't ask me. I don't know. This isn't my area anymore.

There has never been a better time to make a GPT chatbot -- for everyone except me, that is.

Ask the techbros, the prompt engineers, the grandmas running OpenChatGPT on their ironing boards. They are doing what I did, faster and easier and better, in their sleep. Ask them.

[nothorses]

Wait do most guys on t not 'get soaking wet'? I mean I've always 'overlubed' a bit, but but I've been on t a little while now and I feel like I get wetter now than I used to, which is saying a lot. Am I that abnormal?

I'd say it's abnormal in the sense that it's not the common experience, but I don't think that means you need to be concerned about it.

"Vaginal atrophy" means a lot of things, but essentially, it's the same thing that happens during menopause (which also means that resources for people experiencing menopause are often helpful to people with vaginas on testosterone HRT). The hormones that keep that tissue healthy are no longer present in the way they used to be, so the tissue is atrophying over time.

My personal experience has been that while my libido went up & I experience arousal more frequently/intensely, my body's physical response to arousal- lubrication & relaxation of pelvic muscles for easier penetration- is pretty significantly reduced, and takes a lot longer to happen to the degree that I need it to in order for penetration to be comfortable. i.e., I am dryer and tighter. I also have found that I'm dryer overall, and sometimes feel itchy because of that; a little lube helped me go about my day when it first started happening, now I don't really notice it.

During my last pap smear, my doctor noted minor redness, inflammation, and irritation, which she said was typical of folks on testosterone HRT & wasn't anything to worry about. The skin is more delicate and easier to irritate, and that's about all.

You might be experiencing some but not all of the symptoms of vaginal atrophy, or you might be experiencing them more mildly, or you might be early enough in the process that it hasn't been noticeable yet. If you feel like you're actually lubricating more than you used to before HRT, I would also wonder if maybe your libido is just higher? But I'm not a doctor, let alone your doctor, and I have no way of making a worthwhile guess here.

If you're getting the changes you went on T for, like... "vaginal atrophy" is not typically one of the desirable changes anyway, and unless you actively want that, you probably don't need to worry about it. You can and should talk to a doctor if you're feeling concerned about any of this at all, though- I'm just sharing my own personal experiences.

Also, for everyone reading this:

"Vaginal atrophy" can sound scary, but

It's normal and natural, and it happens to everyone with a vagina who gets old enough for menopause to start,

It's entirely- and easily!- treatable, and

It's a reversible effect of testosterone HRT, and things will return to normal given a little time should you ever choose to stop.

You might consider asking your doctor about topical estrogen cream if you want to reverse the effects of vaginal atrophy without interfering with your T. This is also a common treatment for folks who go through menopause.

There are lubes out there specifically for folks experiencing vaginal atrophy as well; they're designed not to irritate fragile skin, and they can be helpful if you're experiencing a stinging sensation during penetration with normal lube (though again, talk to your doctor!! Please!!)

And as a side note: some people who go on T experience cramping (a lot like menstrual cramps) after a few years, and you can also often treat this with topical estrogen cream. I had some pretty severe recurring cramping that went away after a few weeks using topical estrogen cream. If a doctor tries to tell you that the only way to stop this cramping is by getting a hysterectomy, I would consider researching topical estrogen cream and getting a second opinion.

And lastly:

Talk to you doctor!!

[mrhaitch]

Hello Mr. Haitch, how are you ? I reckon that since you're an author married to an another wonderful author, you may be familiar with the self-doubt and overall bleh feeling that comes with writing and not really finding pleasure or purpose in it anymore. My question is : how do you deal with that ? I don't see myself as a writer but I still try to nurture this hobby, it's just been hard when everything I write ends up feeling flat at best, unreadable at worst. I don't really have writer pals or readers who give me feedback and I was a bit sad to realise that even when sharing my writing on online spaces where there are no stakes, it still feels like a race to notes and interactions. How can I keep pushing past this ? How do I improve when no one gives me feedback ?

I'm doing well, thank you anon.

Yes this is all familiar to me, and it's something I'm presently overcoming myself (I think it's been over two years since I managed to complete something).

I think there's a few different things here to address so I'll take them each in turn.

Motivation - Loss of motivation is inevitable. All love affairs have peaks and troughs, creative ones doubly so. Accepting that what you're feeling now will pass in time can help, but it's not a cure. When I feel like a failure I try to remember something Neil Gaiman talked about a few years back: writing is a lot like trying to get to the top of a mountain, with every word being a single step closer or another foot surmounted. If you find there's a time you can't write, you're not going backwards, you're just standing in place. Sometimes you have to in order to catch your breath. Forgive yourself for taking a breather - and try to figure out why you need it.

Writing in isolation - This has been my own experience, to tell the truth. I hold a Masters degree in Creative Writing and sat through many hours of workshops, but even then it still felt like I was writing alone - that somehow the conversations that took place in those groups were competitive and unconstructive; everyone eyeing each other, asking 'do you like me? do you like my work? is this okay?'. Writing can be lonely, especially with that first draft where you're writing with the door closed, just figuring out the story one line at a time. You can experience several lifetimes in the space of an hour and occasionally emerge from your writing place, puffy faced and wild-eyed, feeling like you have to tell someone what you just witnessed, but find people give you a quizzical look and fail to understand. Working with others, sharing with others, especially people who do understand can be a wonderful balm for such extended (and sometimes necessary) solitude - but it can have it's own problems. Sometimes you internalise the expectations and tastes of others in such a way that proves more of a hindrance then a help. Which brings me to-

Writing for a social media profile - I've done this myself some times and fell into the same trap you describe: second guessing my work for the sake of a theoretical audience, interpreting a lack of engagement as a sign of my own failures or short-comings as a writer. Even when I published for the first time, and then again for a second, I have only met one person who read my work and it was only because they were published in the same anthology. The relationship between artist and audience is difficult, fraught might be a better word, and one that deserves its own post. Sometimes the audience feels they're owed something by the artist, sometimes the artist senses that expectation and subjects their work to censure to adapt it to what they think the audience wants from them. In the end you've got a work that satisfies no one. Social media can help you find an audience - but it's also a medium built around habit, dependency, and engagement. It's not a true reflection of your worth, but rather how closely what you produce as an artist best fits that platforms algorithms and business models. And, here I'm flirting with arrogance a bit, you should never really concern yourself with what everyone might think.

As for advice, here's the best I've got: find whatever it is that brings you to the page and keeps you there. If trying to satisfy the expectations of others isn't helping, then focus on what you want. How would you tell this story, if you were the only person to ever read it? How would you excite yourself, challenge yourself, enlighten yourself?

Beyond that I'd suggest reading a lot and reading widely. Feed the creative compost heap that dwells in the darker, mustier corners of your mind, and see what weird and wonderful things take root.

And if you want something to prime the engine, watch this short interview with Ray Bradbury towards the end of his life. It always cheers me up:

[cb-writes-stuff]

〜★ Intro Post! ★〜

Howdy! Welcome to my blog! Or, our blog, I guess. I should explain.

We are a median system (varion, to be more specific). We use the term facets or parts for the people in here (you’re safe to use either one). Mostly, we’re very much alike, and don’t differ a whole lot. Except for stuff like interests and aesthetics, I guess. It never hurts to ask if you’re ever confused!

As for me, the one typing this, I’m CB, or C. Brookes! I’m the core of the system, as well as the host, and the guy you see up there. What goes for me generally goes for everyone else. I am 18 and in college pursuing a degree in English, with the hope of one day being an author! I use he/him, though that’s not always the same for the others. I also have ADD (attention deficit disorder), and possibly several other things, including social anxiety!

As a system, we use the name Syahan. It’s mostly for the convenience of others, since we don’t really use it to refer to ourselves. I’m usually the only one who posts on here, and I’m always the one who types, so by default you can assume you’re talking to me. If you’re ever not sure, or just wanna play it safe, you can use Syahan for us if that’s more comfortable.

I use lots of colored text, depending on my mood and energy levels.

This is a no-swearing blog. You do you, but I don’t post or reblog anything with swearing. I find it triggering (it really screws with me), and this is my blog, so I can do what I want. If you send an ask, submit a post, or comment anything that includes swearing, it will be deleted.

Click here for the masterpost of my WIP, Project Opal (name not final)!

My poll blog! @cb-polls-stuff

〜♥︎ Facets ♥︎〜

This list isn’t all-inclusive, since it just covers the frequent flyers (i.e., the facets who front, co-front, or are co-conscious most often).

CB (he/him)

James (he/him)

Fae (she/her)

Mel (she/her)

Loop (they/she)

If anyone other than me posts, they’ll tag the post with their name and pronouns, because it happens so uncommonly.

〜♠︎ What I Post ♠︎〜

For fandoms, I post about A Hat in Time, In Stars and Time, Hollow Knight, EPIC: The Musical, and possibly others. Fandoms I don’t post about but still enjoy include Pokémon, Baba Is You, Undertale, Deltarune, both Portal games, Stardew Valley, and anything I remember later and add on. Not fandoms, but sometimes I’ll also post about Ado and plushies.

I also post about my writing, my college experience, and thoughts about being median/a system. And of course random jokes here and there.

I don’t have much regarding a DNI list. This is an SFW blog, so keep that in mind when interacting. And if you swear in my replies or asks, I’ll just delete it. Like I said earlier, it’s my blog, I can do what I want. And what I want is a safe space. I’ll also delete any asks that do stuff like ask for money or promote any particular cause, because that’s just not something I want to interact with—and I will delete them indiscriminately, regardless of what they promote or don’t promote.

We stay silly.

〜♦︎ Tags ♦︎〜

My tags are pretty self explanatory. But the ones that aren’t…

#project opal - posts related to my WIP.

#ihat / #in hats and time - posts related to my ISAT-AHIT crossover AU, In Hats and Time.

#siffrin and the craaaazy time loop - posts from my liveblogged playthrough of In Stars and Time.

[librarycards]

How’d you discover you were plural? If that’s ok to ask

of course! genuinely, it's less of a discovery that &i is/are plural, and more that plurality is a meaningful conceptual framework to apply to my/our existence.

to dip a bit into coming-out cliché, &i've never felt, like, singular; we've always been iterative. we hardly even share the same body. actually, the iterations we've been are sometimes tied to particular forms of embodimindment, not unrelated to other experiences i've had - disorderly eating/drastic weight changes/puberty/trans medical interventions/elective body modification/lived experiences of trauma. this, like many things, is something for a while we assumed everyone felt (and perhaps everyone would, if we as a society did not tamp down so violently on our inherent systemhood [we're made of systems]).

then, &i learned that not everyone referred to themselves with different pronouns directed toward different iterations, and that this actually offended some trans people &i tried to like, ~build community~ with. people don't like seeing selveshood as periodized, because that disrupts the narrative of linear progress/growing-up we like to ascribe to "being a person."

so we sat with this feeling of having grown sideways or crossways and learned about multiplicity (beyond harmful media/medical discourse) on tumblr. actually, &i think [S]arah learned about it back when she was knee deep in the whole indigo children thing lmao, because there was also soulbonding stuff etc. [don't bother with those types of sites, they're run by new age antisemitic anti-vaxxers, but obviously 9 year old [S]arah didn't know that].

when we began learning about multiplicity on tumblr, we were under the assumption that alters had to be far more clearly defined and transparently mapped than is true, &i think, for most systems. others have commented on the weird proximity to clinical confessional discourse that fixations on system mapping point toward: not because there's an inherent problem with system mapping, but because the idea that everyone/everymany must do this / leave evidence of their collective (and ultimately, legible) existence, is just bullshit, just like the stories we have to tell to receive "gender dysphoria" diagnoses.

i think what really changed our relationship with multiplicity was/is our friendship with @materialisnt. it's difficult to describe the degree to which mix moss have impacted &my life, both through chaim "formal" scholarship (the formal/informal binary is bullshit ofc) and through several years of deep friendship and unwavering solidarity. &i recognize in hindsight that &my longstanding interest in multiplicity - and alterhumanity writ large, because i am not a human and actually don't think any of us are or were? - was really just, you know. being an egg. many such cases. mix. moss's patience with &my questions & collective excitement at my interventions and thoughts gifted us the confidence to, only recently [and partially pursuant to &my dissertation, which includes discussion of alterhuman digital epistemologies and pedagogies] begin identifying with plurality. perhaps even "as", though that preposition has always skeeved &me out when it comes to identity stuff.

ultimately, &my relationship with plurality isn't a concrete object that we eventually dug up and slapped a nametag on. it's a meaningful, collaborative, and community-based signifier that helps us best situate ourselves in conversations about relationships and love and pain and time and all the important parts of. existing, we guess. it's a choice to generate linguistic and spatiotemporal friction be just kinda existing and not being "one human being". it is also something that feels deeply heart-aligned, something that allowed me to let out a breath we'd been holding for a long time, and free up space to think with more creativity and compassion toward those &i value most: that is, those rejected by the existing conditions we call "reality" and "commonsense" and instead think more capaciously, as ourselves, about different ways of being persons and people together.

[callmedaleelah]

hihi!!! I love how you write so much, and the story au pinnacle (sorry I've been totally binging your blog and the way you write kei is chefs kiss)

I know it's still going but omg the toxic traits of the mom reminds me of my mom (tiger parent but unlucky for her I was rebellious) and I love how you write about the anxiety and fear (reader) goes through and how protective kei gets

I can't wait to see/read more of your writing and thank you for posting your work!

hiii 🥹✨ thanks for your appreciation, i’m glad people like my writings 🫶🏻

maybe i’ll get you guys informed about the things in pinnacle au series so people won’t be confused 😊🐭

- the mother i try to write here has some toxic traits, but i also want her to believe that she’s a genuine and good mom herself. so that’s why at first, she’s gonna be sweet and caring. she’s the type of mom that’s trying to figure everything out for her child, so that’s why she really wants you to succeed in university with the major she chose for you.

- the father will slowly be revealed throughout the story, so you can try to guess from now on how he would be.

- i kinda get inspired from normal people—how connell is having a severe anxiety after he moved in to a new life all by himself and how he struggled to adapt and cope with everything even tho he was a really good person and have a really good life back then. that’s also things i really want to highlight for the main character which i write as second person pov. i believe everyone experience the same things with varying severity.

- and the main character is also a clever person. i think most consider smart people to be those with strong intelligence and the ability to make use of it. whereas clever people are witty and know how to work around difficult situations in ways not ordinarily thought of.

- and i don’t know if people noticed it or not but in every chapter i wrote, i quote a line from taylor swift’ song.

so yeah, those are some i want people to know about pinnacle au series. i’ll be even busier from now cause uni is just started today (i’ll start to regret getting a double degree but yeah). and i have a part time job too so yeah 🫠

[sakuraswordly]

Amy: Tour in Thailand with Anne Boonchuy! Yay! But........It's so HOT!!!

Punch: Why do you sound so happy, Amy? Several parts of India recorded maximum temperatures over 110 degrees Fahrenheit last month. On April 21, people in the eastern city of Bhagdora sweltered as the mercury touched 114.8 degrees. Summer heat hits Asia early, killing dozens as one expert calls it the "most extreme event" in climate history! So......Does anyone have any ice cream or ice shake?

Anne: This place is awesome! Why would you hate it?

Dec: Well....The highest temperature recorded in Asia was 61.36 °C in Multan, Punjab, Pakistan on July 26, 1992. West-central Asia experiences some of the largest diurnal temperature ranges on Earth.......

Punch: Because it is SUPER HOT like a desert!!

Amy: I agree with Punch. I hate this hot "dessert". 

Sonic: At least this place has an ocean. 

Jaq: Not really helping, Sonic.

Anne: Here's a list of the most popular street food dishes, Som tam (ส้มตำ) – Papaya salad, Khao pad (ข้าวผัด) – Fried Rice, Pad thai kung (ผัดไทยกุ้ง) – Noodles with shrimp, Khao mun gai (ข้าวมันไก่) - Steamed chicken on rice, Gai/Moo bing (ไก่/หมูปิ้ง) - Grilled chicken/pork skewers.

Ant: That looks delicious and looking at Gai/Moo bing!

Punch: I'm not interested in that stuff. I saw that every day until is boring.

Dec: How about Khao mun gai?

Punch: Boring.

Anne: What about Som tam? I really like it.

Punch: Passed

Sonic: Why are you so mean to this place anyway, Punch?

Amy: Are you having a bad memory in this place?

Punch: Yes. A lot of boring stuff.

Anne: Hey! Stop that! We must protect our old culture like Thailand's culture and traditionsThey will aim to project a smiling, positive air and avoid displays of emotion such as anger. Politeness and respect for others – particularly elders – is key. All this helps explain the air of calm self-effacement that makes the Thai people so welcoming to visitors!

Punch: I'm not interested.

Jaq: Why every time you need to ruin a mood?

Sonic: every time Punch...... every time.....

Anne: Then what about Hundreds of Thai traditional ice creams made simultaneously with a spinning bucket?

Sonic & Punch: Ice creams! Yay!

Anne: Hey! Are you two listening to me first?!

Ant & Dec: They gone.......

10 minutes later.....

Amy: Thank you......Sonic and Punch.....but.....why are you buying the same taste for me anyway.....? Just only one.....why two?

Punch: In Indonesia also have these like Thailand too. Es goyang is a traditional Indonesian street food usually sold by street vendors on the side of roads. It is usually prepared on the spot, dipped into melted chocolate when it freezes, toppings are also sometimes put onto the es goyang when the chocolate is still liquid.

Amy: Punch! You're very cool! Thanks!

Punch: Did she just say thanks to me???!!!! *Face turning red*

Jaq: Ho...ho....

Anne: Punch......don't tell me....are you two couple?

Sonic: WHAT?!

Punch: Me and Amy we are having nothing about it! We're just friends! Yeah...JUST FRIEND!!

Anne & Jaq: Are you sure about that?

Punch: YES!! I DO NOT LOVE AMY!!

Amy: You and Sonic sure shared the same enthusiasm.

Sonic & Punch: WE'RE NOT!! *Face Turing red with embarrassment*

Amy: Just like Ant and Dec.

Ant & Dec: WE'RE NOT DUMB!

Anne: When did Amy call you a dummy huh?

Tsofph Season 11(Chapter1 Secret Truth of the Past)

Punch: One day like this, I love to share an umbrella with you, Amy.

Amy: And this wish finally be granted.

Punch: Amy...I'm sorry for taking too long to make up my mind.

Amy: It's okay, Punch. I'm so happy to date with you.

Punch: Yeah..... I wish I made up my mind sooner.

Amy: You gain so much courage....you usually run away for me because you're too much shy.

Punch: Wha?! How did you know that I was once a shy person?!

Amy: Just my sense I guess.

Punch: I like everyone, but I don't know....for some reason....I like Amy the most.

Amy: I know you like everyone.....but I love you the most, Sonic. Say....Punch....Can you say it now....that you love me again?

Punch: Of course.  俺は大好きだぜ、エミー.

Amy: I had to make a decision. I decided that I would wait for you forever, no matter how old I became, no matter how old you are. And then... you came back again just like I wish for. Please remember, Punch. We’re all in this together. And I’d really think you’d grow to love them as much as I do.

Source Character:

Amy Rose, a girl who is in love with Sonic and chases Sonic wherever she wants. She calls herself Sonic's girlfriend. She is a lively and cheerful mood-maker and also has a winning spirit and great drive. In an emergency, she can pull out her favorite Piko Piko hammer out of nowhere and perform an action that rivals anyone even Sonic flinches at her sincere feelings. A single-minded girl in love with Sonic who believes that "When you set your heart on something, you go to the ends of the earth!". She continues to pursue her beloved Sonic during her travels and this time, they meet again. Daily, Amy longingly reminisces about the good old days when she would chase after Sonic. However, the sudden appearance of a gigantic flying fortress casts a shadow over her life...

Explanation 16(Analysis)

Amy tries to get shadow out of his usual comfort zone and invite's him to do stuff with her that he probably wouldn't do with other people. Or even when he was getting tickets for her to go to the hot honey concert in the murder of the sonic the hedgehog for her last second birthday present cause he forgot, she wants him to go with her too with her request.

Amy Rose is a cheerful, optimistic go-getter and romantic who wears her heart on her sleeve. She is of pure heart and the strongest of will. This makes her formidable, but it can also leave her a little short-sighted or overbearing, like in her love for Sonic. Amy loves Sonic for who he is and how they resonate. Despite her antics, at the end of the day, her love is honest, true, and all-encompassing. She takes Sonic for better or worse, no matter the package. She wants to journey with him and be his support. She is a dear friend.

Amy is always there waiting for Sonic, and the only thing she asks in return is to go with him. Funnily enough, Amy is not chasing after him like in previous games, instead, she respects Sonic’s decision to not take her with him. Amy is always looking at the brighter side of life. She’s one of the most consistently joyful characters in the series, and she’s always willing to see the good that she senses in others. She can be slightly kooky about matters pertaining to Sonic, she can be suspicious of anyone else who hints at falling for Sonic, she can even let her temper get the better of her now and then, but ultimately, she’s harmless.

“I still can’t believe it’s you inside that… thing! But! No matter the package, you’re still my Sonic, Sonic!” Even as Punch or King Gilgamesh, Amy will treat them like how she treats Sonic. As Amy's pure heart for Sonic Amy can sense "Sonic" and knows he will do the right thing no matter how much appearance. As I mentioned in this hint, Amy considers Sonic's safety and care. In Tsubasa of Phantasia, Amy is like a second mother to Sonic. Amy loved Sonic from the beginning and she was the second character after Tails to teach Sonic and play a large role in his life. As for Shadow, Amy's loving and caring for Shadow still never changes since she's Maria." Shadow, I beg of you! Give them a chance to be happy!" "I Wanna Share That Love With The World, Even If It'll Take Us Far Apart." Amy or Maria was strong in spirit. Eternally cheerful, optimistic and positive despite her condition, Maria could see the good in almost anyone or anything. She was likewise a very kind, loving and generous soul who always put others before herself, supported her friends, and held an unconditional love for the people of the world, even showing compassion towards her enemies when they were distressed. Because she never got down to earth, Maria was very interested in the planet and wished to see it. She was also very encouraging as she could make others accept themselves and calm others down when in stressful situations, including Shadow.

In Tsofph Season 7 and Season 8(Story of Daily Life)

In Tsubasa of Phantasia, Amy and Maria are the same person. Amy is like a second mother to Sonic. Ever since Amy had already made a decision, no matter how she is reborn again, she will be there for both Sonic and Shadow. In the past before being reborn again in an attempt to save Maria's life, Gerald, who was the greatest scientific mind of his time, agreed to work on Project Shadow and success, Maria finally lived a life where she never wanted to do for the first time as "Amy Rose". Without Laphicet helping with Gerald, Maria might never have been alive and reborn as "Amy Rose"; That connects to why Amy was very attarch to Sonic very much. Maria's last request for Shadow to protect the world and its people would be a driving force in the hedgehog's life, which Shadow made the promise to keep despite his loathing of humanity. Maria's most prominent relationship was with Shadow the Hedgehog, a creature created to help make a cure for her illness. Amy still loves Sonic. There's no mention of her loving someone else because Sonic won't get into a relationship with her.

Maria, Laphicet and Shadow were raised alongside each other onboard the ARK and they formed a very close bond, with Maria considering Shadow a brother of sorts. Maria also shared the same dream with him which was to visit Earth, making them kindred spirits in a sense, and they tended to look at the earth from the ARK together and ponder about it. Sharing a mutual compassion for one another, Maria was always concerned for Shadow whenever he expressed confusion over his purpose. But when comes as Amy Rose, for Shadow to let go of his past 100%, Amy and Shadow make a new relationship for the future they can go together and protect Sonic as one of their like family.

Enkidu & Peter: Umm....so that means Amy was...*Smug Face*

Gilgamesh: Me and Amy we are having nothing about it! We're just friends! Yeah...JUST FRIEND!!

Enkidu: So she's not your type....?

Gilgamesh: SHE'S NOT!!! And don't let her see me I beg you!!

Peter: Huh? What about you said---OUCH!!

Gilgamesh: Shut up!!

[scarabjewels]

HELTER SKELTER

The movie that epitomizes "women can be shit too, when given the chance"

I was watching so much of Final Girl Studios fil essays that I decided to watch a film recommendation from one of her videos.

To make it exciting, I watched it with my closest friends, blind to its content.

And by God, it was an EXPERIENCE.

First off, someone please put a warning on this film for the amount of sex scenes it was gonna have. Luckily, one of my friends were very open minded wuth these kinds of scenes, which is why we remained close friends. The rest were VISIBLY SHOCKED, WITH ME. I was flustered how pornesque the scenes went. As a result, we skipped a good amount of scenes.

Second, this is a great girl's night movie, where you can talk over it. The scenes are visually stimulating, and also pretty long with not much going on. The themes of "beauty is pain" too, is a great conversation starter.

Third, the fall of the main character and that NO ONE rooted for her was something I wanted depicted in media. I am all for feminism but I truly wanted misandry and misogyny gone from the direction of the picture and rather ingrained into a character, to create complexity and agency for them. I want equality in all depictions, including how anyone, regardless gender and their past, can be shitty and complicated. This was just the breath of fresh air. It was not this woman character OBVIOUSLY exploited for her sadness and insanity, it was about a person obessessed with her image and exploits herself, then goes insane when she is replaced.

The actual review now

Characters:

The main character, Lilico, is truly a very shitty complicated person, and so are the other characters in the story. The characters feel real, even when so many of the visuals are so campy. The character that I was disappointed with a lot because I thought she would break free from Lilico's grasp was her manager/assistant , Hada. She was manipulated by Lilico so much, r*ped by Lilico, and verbally and emotionally and PHYSICALLY abused by her . She was the one to leak the information about her plastic surgery and yet..the ending is that Hada wanted Lilico to need her. It is so fucked up.

I guess my favorite scene was when Hada was tasked by Lilico to cut Kozue's face, the younger natural beauty who replaced Lilico. Like Lilico, she was very much aware that her beauty is market value, the difference is that Kozue is unbothered by her own beauty and incredibly apathetic. Kozue gets confronted by Hada, as Hada shakes in nervousness, Kozue remains calm and apathetically tells Hada to get it over it, that she knows that she is replaceable.

She did not care about her so-called assets and is visibly bored with the world.

My opinions:

Lilico had misogynistic and misandrist views, she knew about her "market value": her superficial beauty that people obsess over. She is easily triggered by other women's fame and beauty, believing they are out to eliminate her. She throws fits of anger and treats everyone as helpers, subject to that abuse is Hada. She hated men and women, and only thought about herself. Extremely narcissistic and prone to severe bipolar tendencies, e.g super angry to super depressed.

I will say, that if Lilico was a male model, it would play out just as it was with Lilico's story. Again, keep in mind, if LILICO was a male model. Lilico is untalented and looked like a weird doll, and believed her time as that young sexy doll would not last long, therefore continously does reckless things to satisfy her unrational needs and wants. I would argue that in the same setting, such as the place and the society of Japan and their glamorized views of youth, a male model is no exception to that kind of explotation. An example is Björn Andresen, the model that set the standard of the beautiful blonde boy image we see in Japanese media. His looks were exploited to the degree of which he can barely recover.

Exploitation centring young beautiful people delves into the obsession of youth, many of which percieves as the highest form of prime in terms of age, especially women. Youth is perceived as beauty. Interestingly, when I read the manga of Helter Skelter, Asada, the detective investigating the deaths of young women's visceral suicides and their connection to a plastic surgery clinic, quotes this: " Youth is beautiful, but youth is not beauty. Beauty is more all-encomposing."

Overall, Helter Skelter provides a social commentary on the sewed in superficial views society has on beauty and youth, particularly on women. Themes of obessesion, self awareness, and apathetical acceptance are present. Depictions of narcissism as well as sexual assault are layed down clearly, all the while shows some complexity on behavior.

Campy and disturbing, GALORE.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

This is a post about my list of media to watch/hear in the past/future. I'll put a cut here for the many people who justifably do not care about my list of media.

Guess what, everyone? I have, for the first time in over a year, knocked everything off my “to watch” and “to listen to” lists. Obviously, not everything in the world that I ever want to do. But everything that I’d started. Because I’d keep downloading stuff and starting it and then getting into other stuff and putting it on hold and filling up my working folders with it. Well, I spent the last couple of weeks determinedly avoiding starting anything new, so I could go back and finish the “on hold” things.

I'll put a cut here, just for the sake of the many, many people who justifiably do not give a shit about my list of media.

It was mostly a bunch of episodes of the Comedian’s Comedian podcast, which I enjoyed finally hearing. This podcast episode my brother did nearly a year ago, where he talks for two hours about his experiences in comedy and how he believes no one can “make it” in comedy without succumbing to the pressure to cut all their stuff up into tiny chunks for Tik-Tok and shit. It was fucking bleak. But I also downloaded episodes of that same podcast by a few other local comedians I’ve met, include two by the guys who run the local comedy night where I've performed; I listened to those last week too, and they were less depressing. They’re people who like comedy – that’s all I want, really. People around here who perform comedy and sound like they don’t fucking hate comedy.

So there was that. I finished off a few bits of Stewart Lee bootlegs (many of which are on YouTube, I did not realize until recently how many Stewart Lee bootlegs are on YouTube, that’s obviously a fair thing for me to mention because if he had a problem with bootlegs being out there I’m sure Lee could get them taken off YouTube, I will say that I’ve come to appreciate several of his shows far more after hearing the bootlegged versions than I did from the DVD version). Finished all the Lee and Herring stuff. Watched Taskmaster NZ season 4 (I meant to post about it and then I got busy with work and I don’t even think I did that – cliff notes are I didn’t quite agree with the people I’ve seen say it’s as good as season 2, but I did greatly enjoy it). Lots of little things.

I said months ago that once I finally get caught up on things, I’m going to start a new long audio thing. I made a post at the time listing all the things I was considering. The main candidates were/are: John Robins and Ellis James radio/podcasts, Peacock and Gamble podcast, the Adam and Joe things, Do the Right Thing podcast (see, I’m not exclusively into listening to two white guys talk to each other in a studio), and Pappy’s podcasts (there’s the Flatshare thing, but then there are also other things – look into what these are, then listen). I have also had Three Bean Salad recommended to me pretty hard.

I still don’t know which way I want to go – I’m leaning toward Pappy’s or Peacock and Gamble at this point. But I’ve decided not to make that decision yet, because I do have a couple of new things, but shorter things, that I want to start first.

I have all three seasons of Alan Partridge: From the Oasthouse downloaded, so that’s next on the agenda. A few years ago, I watched/heard all the Alan Partridge TV/radio things in chronological order: On the Hour, The Day Today, Knowing Me Knowing You radio show, Knowing Me Knowing You TV show, I’m Alan Partridge, Alpha Papa, Mid-Morning Matters, This Time. I enjoyed them to varying degrees – my biggest comment is that Mid-Morning Matters surprised me because I thought it would be a weaker thing, just a little internet show, but it ended up being one of the best, I thought, and Tim Key was fucking brilliant in it.

Anyway, I’ve never heard any of the other Alan Partridge things. And I’ve recently been told by a reliable source that this latest one is very very good. The three seasons combined are about 15 hours, so that’ll give me some time to decide what I next want to commit hundreds of hours of my life to.

I’ve also had John Finnemore’s Cabin Fever recommended to me quite a bit, and I’ve downloaded that recently too so I think I’ll do that after Alan Partridge. It’s 13 hours, not too long. I know very little of what to expect from that, but enough people whose tastes otherwise overlap with mine have told me it’s very good to make me interested. Also, I’d love to be a comedy fan who rejects the Oxbridge ilk for very good class solidarity reasons, but actually an annoyingly large number of my favourite comedians have been Footlights members, so I’ll probably love John Finnemore.

Anyway, on the subject of my obsession with listening to two white guys talk to each other in a studio, a bunch of weeks ago now I made a post about hearing the Lee and Herring radio show episodes that were broadcast live from Edinburgh in 1994, and how that was cool, a preservation of a bit of Edinburgh Festival history. And then I said that’s not the first time I’ve heard a radio-based audio diary of Edinburgh, as Russell Howard and Jon Richardson did their radio show from Edinburgh in 2007. And I’m sure there were lots of references there that went over my head at the time but that I would now appreciate as a person with an inexplicable obsession with 00s-era Edinburgh comedy. An audio diary of the Chocolate Milk Gang-era Edinburgh Festival from someone who was, at the time, a CMG member (has definitely squandered his cred since then, but Russell Howard was a fully paid-up member for a time). How have I not already combed through that in my efforts to gather and preserve every bit of information I can about CMG history?

I said I should re-listen to some of those episodes to see what references are in them, and then I didn’t do that, because obviously going through old radio show episodes looking for gossip is a waste of time when I have actual comedy/comedy analysis to listen to. But as I’ve just said, at this moment, I don’t have actual comedy to listen to. I finished all the old stuff and I haven’t started the new stuff yet, and I think I’ll keep it that way for a couple of days. Give my brain a short break from keeping track of everything on my lists before jumping into something new. Going back over old stuff doesn’t require the same focus, as my brain doesn’t obsessively insist that I hear/watch every single bit of it in order and file it in all appropriate places and check it all off on a spreadsheet as I go.

I realize I’m making this hobby that I truly love sound like a chore, and it isn’t that, my brain is just compulsive about always focusing on what’s “on my list”, so it’s nice to occasionally have breaks in the list. You see why I so enjoyed hearing the senselessly compulsive thought patterns of 2007-era Jon Richardson. That was a man who understood a list.

So anyway, I think I’ll do that tonight. It’s a long weekend, which I barely noticed last year when I was working from home anyway but those sure seem like a bigger deal when I have to be out of the house for 9-10 hours on weekdays. I’ve got Thanksgiving dinner with family tonight, and then I think I’ll listen to some old things. I’ll let you all know if I discover anything exciting.

[officersnickers]

About this Brown Eyed!Norman AU, can i ask some questions?

1) How are his memories? I mean a clone is a physical copy. It's like a perfect twin. Except there he has eyes in another color. I guess that they managed to copy his genius side. But how have they copy his memories?

2)Or... about his memories, did he just spoke with the real Norman and fill the gap with things that he guessed and then just perfectly play comedie when the GF kids were here?

3) A clone isn't the original, he can't ave the same feelings and stuff like that, so how much his personality and feelings are different of Norman? Is he colder with Emma and Ray because he doesn't feel the deep attachement that his orignal had? He doesnt' theorically knew them after all. So did He fakes his feelings for them to not make them suspicious? After all, everyone want the real Norman, not him, even at lambda! and he knows that he had not a lot of time to life, still because of Lambda. So if it make them happy to have Norman...he can pretend for few months...it's that?

*lacking memories, changes in behavior and preferences and of course their heart telling them that’s not their Norman led Emma and Ray to investigate Norman’s private rooms* Can you tell more about it? Give us some exemple pleae?

Oh, for sure! I love talking about stuff that's going on in my mind! 🤎

1) Norman 0.4 actually lacks several memories of the original, but only instances that didn‘t „run too deep“ in Norman from the start. For example, he remembers very well his childhood and everything he went through in Grace Field, since it affected him quite a lot, like his friendship to Emma and Ray, his relationship with Isabella, or „all the important stuff“ from the escape. But, some memories are lacking, like seconds missing from his brain, or certain names or faces. Like, Ray gets super suspicious of him when „Norman“ can‘t remember Carol‘s name the first time hearing she‘s still left in Grace Field House with Phil, Sherry and the rest; of course he then knows who Carol was again, but since the baby arrived at a time when Norman’s mind was occupied with the escape, he didn‘t quite bond with her as well as with all the other children.

So, Norman’s mind (and genius…?) were transmitted into this copy of him – please don‘t ask me how ^^‘ - but the process of transferring memories and habits wasn‘t as stable as intended. With time, Norman 0.4 gains access to more and more memories, but it‘s a process he got no real control over, with sudden flashback he can‘t quite understand, supressing them even if he becomes too overwhelmed. After all, he doesn‘t want to be Norman, he wants to be his own person, with own experiences and memories, while having to accept he got to rely on his genetic material to make this charade work in the first place. So, he not only got a God complex too, but also a clone complex. Neat.

2) Norman 0.4 wasn‘t able to speak with the og Norman since he died before this specific clone was even „awakened“ by the scientist in Lambda. He‘s like a child born from a dead father, only learning about his origin through others, videos and pics taken of Norman as well as stories told about „the very special boy“. Of course 0.4 learned through this he wasn‘t the only clone before and it also very replaceable. But, if you just started to breathe and live, you don‘t want to be tossed aside almost immidiatly because everyone just looks in your face and says to you „You‘re just not like him… and that‘s not acceptable.“ (I would go on a murder spree too if I was in 0.4‘s shoes, ngl)

3) He doesn‘t really feel anything for Ray and Emma when they appear in his life for the first time, actually. He‘s genetically bound to „like them“, that‘s what the real Norman would have done, and to prevent the mask from slipping, he tries to be exactly the friend they thought they lost… and actually did. He‘s a bit more distant, but the same degree Norman was in the manga due to his William Minerva-phase and his plans to wipe out the demons.

So at first, he did „fake“ these feelings to a degree… but slowly realized he actually longed for people to love him the way his family and friends do. With Barbara, Cislo and Vincent, they love him too, but as their Boss, their savior, not their friend (yet). The power imbalance is just too great between them, but with Emma and Ray, he feels like a „real boy“ for the first time. He enjoys hearing their fun stories about the past, enjoys sitting with them at the table, playing chess and just being with them because they want to.

But all the while, he‘s also highly conflicted, because they want Norman. Not him, the clone. He has to hide away his true (eye) colours, has to wear contact lenses which make him feel very icky all day just so they can be happy, has to pretend he knows everything about playing tag in the woods and having staying late up nights parties or a happy childhood… and he even knows. The original Norman knew, and so does he, because he‘s him, but also not, and all these emotions botting inside of him and slowly killing him, even more than the Lambda disease does (haven‘t decided on that yet though).

So to say simply – it‘s complicated.

4)*lacking memories, changes in behavior and preferences and of course their heart telling them that’s not their Norman led Emma and Ray to investigate Norman’s private rooms* Can you tell more about it? Give us some exemple pleae?

For sure! Ray begins to suspect him the first evening they are back together (much like Norman suspected him being the spy right away back in the first arc), due to a different style in playing chess. It‘s an detail explainable with new experiences and Vincent‘s influence, but once you start doubting something‘s off, you can‘t stop, not when you‘re Ray scanning everything, not when you‘re Emma with a feeling that something feels out of place. From there on, only small instances make their suspicions grow; Norman putting his hand in front of his mouth when laughing to be polite, while he did show his smile freely before; him actually drinking a cup of fennel tea offered by Ray, despite the fact he loathes the taste like nothing else after having to drink it all his sickly days in the orphanage. Avoiding their looks, mostly because his lenses are annoying him, but making it seem like he can‘t stand being viewed by them. Joining them for a meal and sitting besides them, while Norman always sit at the table across them*, to be able to look at both of them the same time. Then he can‘t remember Carol, insinst on killing the demons, acting like an adult around the children from the other farms… Small details, but enough for them to realize. Emma and Ray can‘t wrap their heads around why they are feeling like this, but they do, and they can‘t shut up their hearts, so they have to make sure once and for all.

* just like here and here:

Just some more thoughts I had while writing this:

Norman 0.4‘s image song would be „What the World Needs“ from Ride the Cyclone The Musical (imaging this song while he cuts off the life support of the other clones lol)

this scene really gets an aftertaste in this AU:

considering Norman 0.4 was only awakened roughly a year ago, he‘s even younger than Zazie, Hayato or Jin! Now call that a Boss Baby! 👶

Thanks a lot for asking! Your questions help a lot developing this story even further, and I hope you enjoyed my thoughts this far ^^

[babyspacebatclone]

@bdkdkens , I happened to see your reply to a comic from @autball asking about what ABA is, and it doesn’t look like you have had an answer yet.

I studied ABA as part of my Community Psychology degree, and am happy to give you a rundown.

ABA = Applied Behavioral Analysis

It is a specific school of psychology with an emphasis on changing the behaviors of people - “Applied” means the focus on change (and not just accumulation of data), Behavior is obvious, and “Analysis” is an indication of the intention to be “scientific.”

On it’s own, everything in ABA is neutral to good: understanding the situations in which people do behaviors, and the forces that can either cause them to do behaviors more (reinforce) or less (punish in a very scientific sense of ‘make less desirable’).

The issue is two fold:

ABA focuses only on the observable, as part of their “scientific” obsession. I phrase it that way because the choice of “observable” means that internal thoughts, memories, etc….. If the Analysis themselves can’t prove they exist? They are literally ignored as irrelevant. If they happen to interfere with the Analyst’s work? They are actively suppressed - punished out until they stop being a “problem.” Instead of, you know, addressed as part of the individual.

This is because the most important person in the equation of ABA is the Analyst. Not the client, and not even the patient - which may be two different people, in the case of working with children. The Analyst is the be all, end all expert, and everyone else needs to acknowledge that or, well, be punished for interfering with the Analyst’s work.

Point 1 is baked into ABA; if you want to include beliefs, memories of past experiences, and even intrusive thoughts as things that influence behavior and are important, you’re going to go into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I, myself, align strongly with CBT as a therapy philosophy.

Point 2 is technically avoidable, but having studied under old-school supporters of ABA it’s almost impossible to avoid in practice.

One of my courses in college was taught by an adjunct - that is, someone who works in the field and teacher part time as a service for people entering into the field.

He was humane, reasonable, and respectful of the clients (adults with moderate to severe mental or intellectual disabilities) and teaching them life skills.

He convinced me behavioral principles worked, even in situations where explaining necessary things to people was not possible.

My other classes????

The most recent textbook actively told the students to prevent Autistic patients from stimming because it would interfere with teaching them.

The core issue with using ABA to “correct” Autistic children is the culture of ABA is that you have to force the child to act Neurotypical/Allistic, no matter the cost to the child.

(I use both NT and Allistic because an ABA will use the same principles on trauma symptoms, depression symptoms, etc.)

The goal is to either make the child act NT - explicitly to conform to the societal majority - or else at least not act Autistic and therefore bother the Allistics.

Because conforming to society - as defined by the Analyst - is the end goal of the majority of ABA

Not learning life skills - life skills are a means towards conformity - not mental health - because remember the internal mind doesn’t matter - and definitely not what the patient wants.

The patient is a problem to be fixed. To be cured, or hidden.

And that is why ABA needs to be stopped, burned to ashes, and a new field of applied behavior technicians put in its place for situations where straight CBT is not able to be applied (because I admit there are levels of mental and intellectual disability that prevent CBT from being as effective as pure Behavioralism).

Unfortunately…..

Guess what’s easiest for parents for parents of Autistic children to find, and get insurance to cover????

😣 😣 😣

[catnherthoughts]

ptsd in romantic relationships 12/18/23

this is not fair to you and i apologize. there is nothing you have done to me as far as i've known. this weight coming onto you is not what you deserve. i should be sorry that i am the one you love*. you don't even know it! you have no clue and as much as i'd love for it to stay that way i don't know if i can keep hiding these panic attacks. but how am i meant to tell you. it's not a good thing and i'm meant to be good. i am as good as i can be because you picked me an made me yours. you gave me something i've been searching for for years and i have to nerve to feel any sort of way? it's been a very long time since i've been in therapy. i think that you can infer from some things. you aren't dumb, in fact you're a capricorn. with a cancer moon. god you are great.

i remember when we were in the car and you said you've never really had any sort of real emotional turmoil. you've never thought of suicide. never been abused to a degree that was severe. that is so nice. i was so grateful that you never had to experience something like that. you don't have any sort of weight on you. then immediately after i thought to myself. i have thought of it. there were days, weeks, months, years where it's all i thought of. more times than i'd like to admit that i've tried and for some reason unbeknownst to me all failed. all of them failed for me to come to you like a battered puppy inside.

you don't know what happened to me. how they hit me and what i was forced to take and how i was manipulated. i was meant to feel like i wasn't a person. that is what love is to me. i am scared everyday that you are going to do the same and that is not fair to you. you are nice to me. such a great partner. how could i ever think that way. i feel so horrible about myself when you say something stupid and i think about how you could be trying to manipulate me or trying to do something to me. when we got high over the phone and u joked about gaslighting i laughed it off but i almost went into a panicked frenzy.

i don't deserve you. i can't pretend like i am not who i am. you don't know me at heart and i don't even know if i can tell you. how is this gonna work. you don't get it and i don't want you to. no one has ever really loved me without repercussions to my psyche. i have scars on my body from everyone i've ever loved, whether self inflicted, inflicted by them, or mental. im so tired. i dont deserve you i should kill myself. you don't deserve a girlfriend like me. you deserve a girl that is okay mentally, no attempts under her belt, a normal girl. so you guys can love each other and you don't have to deal with this. i don't even want to deal with it. i don't want to tell you but i think after we break up i may do it. i got the love i've been longing for and i've been so tired of keeping going. you don't deserve a dead girlfriend. maybe i'll do it a few years after we break up so u don't think its your fault. if anything its the opposite. you're delaying the ineviatable by being such a good person.

i haven't been good at all. i'm a bad person. i can say that the world molded me this way but that is an excuse i chose not to take. there is something wrong with me in the soul after being thrown around the way i have. you don't deserve someone like me. if i had a gun i'd do it right now and leave you a long letter about how you were such a great boyfriend and how you helped me through what i'd never tell you about and all the things of that sort. i think that i was meant to perpetually be abused so that i can take all i can possibly take and then reach a breaking point where my method of choice actually goes through. i'm sorry that i am me.

gray text: ohh, guessing u don’t wanna talk about it

blue text: i don't want it to seem like i don't tell you why i feel some ways sometimes because of anything against you. there is just a good amount of things you don't know ab yet and eventually you'll know ab it all but i just get anxious that you won't look at me the same plus i don't wanna like burden u with this stuff i can deal w myself. i trust you a lot and rlly do appreciate you very much.

im so sorry that we met and you liked me.

[dialovers-translations]

Long ask ahead lol but I just got out of a Covid phase, my first time catching it, and my experience with the smell/taste loss was kind of weird. I can tell that everyone experiences the symptoms in a different way and to different degrees, unfortunately nothing is set in stone with this illness.

Personally, I only lost smell/taste on the third day after starting to notice symptoms (in my case, fever and severe body ache came first), and then I couldn't smell nor taste anything, and I noticed when I couldn't notice that my cats' litter needed a change lol. I had a congestion/stuffy nose as well (in fact, I still have it, but less that before), but the loss of smell and taste was absolute for two days before it slowly came back later, with or without congestion. I had a hard time eating w/o taste too, plus the overall sick feeling made me lose some appetite.

The best I can describe my experience is that it was like eating textures. Noodles were some soft slimy texture, crackers were a hard dry one, nothing had any flavor, no matter how much I'd season it. However, here's where it gets weird: I could still feel the kind of flavor they had if it was strong enough, without noticing the flavor itself (?). Like if I ate something salty, like potato chips, I could tell it was salty, as if my taste buds reacted the way they do to very salty flavors. But if it wasn't because I was looking at the potato chip, it didn't taste like potato chip, and it could as well be a teaspoon of salt, because it was the same feeling. No taste, just my taste buds reacting to salt and making my mouth feel like it had salt in it, without tasting the salt. If I seasoned something with salt (or something likely) I felt nothing.

It's similar with sweet flavors. I didn't taste any sweetness, even fruits were tasteless. But I'm guessing that since I love sweets, that's why I could feel my mouth getting more watery at sweet things, although I, myself, had no clue what it actually tasted like. Could be sugar, candy, chocolate, and it was all the same. And again, a soft sweet drink was tasteless. It's like my taste buds were on but muted or at a very low volume, lmao.

And it came back two days later, slowly, and by the next day I was able to smell and taste normally again, although I started having other symptoms instead. Today I fully recovered smell and taste, but I'm still with a small congestion and a cough every now and then, because I'm more short of air than before, and they say it could last some more weeks.

I hope it goes easy on you, make sure to stay hydrated and get lots of rest. I'm guessing that it depends on its severity and viral charge to determine how bad (and how many) the symptoms are, plus previous health conditions and such. But it's still hard to find two people going through it the same way, or recovering at the same pace. Take care and stay safe!

Aah, thank you so much for the input! Your experience is kind of similar to mine in the sense that I had other symptoms before I lost my smell and taste. :3 Knowing that it returned fairly soon is kind of a relief though.

In my case it also isn't as severe to the point where I can't taste or smell anything at all. I just need to really get my nose in there to smell something while otherwise I would be able to smell it from a distance. I can still distinguish tastes as well, but I need to really concentrate and they're not as intense either.

Right now, I've been craving stuff like toasted bread (because of that CRUNCH) and apples because they're juicy, crisp and slightly tart, which is one of the flavors I can still taste best. Also vanilla yoghurt with granola still tastes pretty good too. The yoghurt is refreshing and the granola adds texture so it doesn't feel like eating gloop.

On the flip side...I've always been a wuss when it comes to spicy food so maybe this is my chance to order some Indian or Thai food and actually be able to eat it lol. (Then die from cramps afterwards as IBS kicks my ass)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

No real TW, just a discussion on BPD

For the mods that have it, how did you realize it/what symptoms did you have?

I've been wondering if I have it but I'm not sure, I'm planning on talking to my therapist about it soon to see. Previously I thought it didn't apply to me with the abandonment fear but now I realize I might have abandonment fears, but just express them in ways I didn't think 'counted'.

My cousin has BPD, but I never really researched it and assumed that because we didn't act the same that I didn't have it (which I realize isn't how it works)

Another thing I really relate to a lot and would make sense is emotional dysresgulation. I've always felt like I'm incredibly sensitive and volatile emotionally and that my emotions can change really quickly. The thing is with a lot of these behaviors and feelings is I'm not sure what a normal degree of these things would be.

I'm also really sensitive to rejection and I've cried many times over things I thought were rejections, even if they were small. I felt bad about feeling so strongly about them but I tried not to act on those feelings.

My ex has told me I tend to swing between two polar opposite opinions about him, but I can't tell if that's splitting or if that's just a normal reaction to his emotional abuse. I did act somewhat like that with a guy I liked in high school, so maybe it isn't isolated? I am not sure.

I just am wondering if that is relatable I guess? I know you can't diagnose people but I feel like I'm going crazy and it's nice to know I'm not alone with these things even if I might not have BPD. I feel bad and like I'm just making all these issues up for attention and faking BPD. It's a lot of emotion to handle and sometimes I just freeze with them.

Hi anon,

Please know that your experiences are real and valid.

In my experience, my therapist of 4 years suggested an evaluation for BPD, and I met 6 out of the 9 criteria (I believe the minimum is 5). I don't think I actually said yes to fear of abandonment but I do see it come up in unsuspecting ways, like when people don't immediately answer my texts, and especially when they haven't answered for hours. I also very much resonate with the dissociation as well as identity disturbance but I'm not entirely confident that BPD explains them (PTSD, potentially OSDD).

With emotional regulation, it's weird because I consider myself emotionally regulated and able to keep my temper but I also remember several times of being so angry that I actually said some nasty or hurtful things. I'm also not sure how normal this is, as I can assume everyone's had at least one or two experiences of doing this (but ofc that doesn't make it right).

I don't know if I actually experience splitting at least in the way everyone else seems to, but I have had times where someone says or does something very nonchalant but it's so amplified in my head, almost like I overthink it, and then it makes me question my trust in them. Or it'll be another subtle thing except suddenly I'm 100% happy with them. But I'm also not sure how normal or "disordered" this is.

Ultimately everyone's experience with BPD is unique, they meet or don't meet different kinds of criteria, but we're not alone in our experiences. If anyone else would like to share how their BPD affects them, please feel free to do so. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[okayto]

So. MLIS on pause.

Hrrrgh.

I've been thinking about one for years, but...it's hard to work full-time and do school, right? I know from my previous master's degree. And I'm debt-free and really didn't want to pay for it, particularly since the library field is not known for being lucrative.

My boss and coworkers all think I should. They think I'd make a great librarian! They think I make, currently, a great librarian, basically.

And then, opportunity. For reasons I won't get into, my boss (my boss!) came up with the idea: Kayt gets into an MLIS program, and fills this librarian position, and the university pays for the majority of tuition. This solved several problems for multiple people.

And then, approval. Kayt has to go though the interview process, but approval. And I did! And then, a pause. Wait, maybe other people need to approve this.

...You'd think they would've thought of that like, the month prior when they approved it?

And now, unapproval. Nevermind. Not going to fill the librarian position, and also oh no what kind of precedent does it set to pay for a degree at another college?

IDK dudes, except that the precedent already exists and we know this because the previous provost did it. Like, you've got a person (me) with over 5 years experience, a previous masters degree, excellent reviews and the agreement of the librarians that I will make an excellent librarian if i can just get that piece of paper. You've got a person who already works here, is known you don't have to worry about cultural fit, and who is willing to commit to staying for the duration of the degree and several years afterward. Between the position already being open for 6 months and the fact that I'd be paid less than normal librarians (but still more than I make now as a paraprofessional) AND the cost of tuition that I meticulously researched, the college would literally save money over hiring a new librarian.

Well, they're not even going to hire a new librarian for the foreseeable future. But even if/when they do, there's all those questions about fairness and precedent and whatever. Even though there are so many factors that go into this that it hardly sets a precedent because this is much more "investing in training a known excellent worker to do a specific job we need" rather than "paying for anyone to get a degree elsewhere."

So, so frustrating. My boss is super apologetic, even though none of this is her fault. Coworkers the same, even the ones who are also affected because the new librarian position (which is really stepping up from a part-time position we've had for a few years, the librarian just decided to retire) was going to take parts of their jobs so they could do other stuff. Everyone feels very bad for me, which is a little awkward but also kinda nice.

Met with my boss about it today--mostly she wanted to give me the chance to just talk, which I think was very good of her. There's nothing I can really say--she knows all the arguments (it was her idea!), she knows I'm frustrated. She's a little surprised I'm not angrier, actually.

The most frustrating thing to me is the unapproval. If they'd said "We need to take this to [people]" that'd be one thing, but that's not what happened. I was literally in the middle of an interview with administrators when one of them asked questions about the funding and wondered aloud if it needed further approval.

Sirma'am you had this proposal to look over two months ago.

I get financial worries--lot of colleges have struggles because of covid. That part's not surprising. But the fact that even if/when the librarian position gets posted again that they probably won't reconsider me, that rankles. Admin owes me a fucking apology.

And like...I got excited about the librarian position. It would've been a change, it would've seen me moving toward much more standard, daylight hours, and giving up several things I like, but there would've been new things. I would've done it. I would've been good.

So, I guess I get to keep my midnights now. And my student worker management/hiring. My collection maintenance. I'm not mad about that.

Damn, I wanted to be paid more, though.

I bought some slightly more professional clothes. I look good in them. I can still wear them, of course, but it feels like a waste that they won't be my teaching outfits as intended.

Stopped my last MLIS app right before paying--literally got the news mere hours before I was set to pay $75 to finish it. One other place was free, but if I get in (I should get in, there's no reason I wouldn't, I would be an asset to any program) I can't pay for it myself, even though it's on the cheaper side. Third place I have gotten in and is mostly affordable. Probably need a little help but not much, and I actually know where that help would come from.

So I plan to defer. If the librarian thing had worked out like it was supposed to, I would start both the degree and the position in January. Now without the position, I don't think I want to start school so soon (and right after the holidays when I will be feeling poorer than normal). So I should be able to defer, but need to decide if I want to defer until fall, or next January.

IDK. It'll take me about 3 years to complete so starting earlier makes sense. Probably I should talk to the school.

Ugh.

Who knows, maybe if the librarian position gets reposted, they'll consider me if they don't have to pay for anything. (She says without optimism.)

[dwarf-vader-of-middle-earth]

I am entirely useless to the capitalistic world. The only jobs I can do are ones that require no degree. Those jobs abuse the fuck out of everyone, and pay minimum wage, or less, then hope you make the rest in tips.

Jobs that need certifications, I am too disabled to pass the classes for to get said certifications. My ADHD/autism brain fails everything and anything, always has, unless that thing is a language course or literature course.

I can't become a delivery driver because, again, disabled brain that can't handle the insane intensive CDL classes.

I can't do warehouse, shipment, or construction work because I can't bend, stand long, lift heavy things repeatedly, move heavy objects, etc.

I have no degree because I couldn't pass college due to my mental disabilities. So I can't go into any teaching fields, professor positions, anything.

Literally, I am stuck for life in retail work, getting paid shit wages, I make the least out of everyone in my house, I get no benefits and never have, and guess what? My shitass father says it's my fault that I can't get out of retail, that I haven't looked hard enough for a better job. I'm fucking lucky if one good job is hiring right now, and if they are, that I have the requirements to apply to said job, and if I can apply, that I get any response back, and if I do get a response back, that I don't get turned down immediately for an unknown reason, and if I don't, that I get an interview, and if I do get one, that I hear back even if it's just to tell me I didn't get the job.

If I apply to a retail position, I have to pass minimally 3 personality tests, multiple training exercises, and several arbitrary "intelligence" tests, none of which tell me whether or not I passed, just to possibly have my application go through for a minimum wage entry level position as a cashier, regardless of the fact that I've worked retail for 6 years. Those positions, most often, will give no reply and I'm applying to a void. If I get a response, most of the time it's to tell me I won't be considered/the job is looking for other candidates. If I get considered, I'm lucky to be told when my interview will be, but I usually get no further than the consideration. And if I get and go to the interview, dressed formally and appropriately, with a full resume of valid experience, and nail the interview completely, I'm damn lucky if I get a call or message back. Most often, that message will just deny me. If I don't get a message, I call the store to speak to the hiring manager, and the manager is, somehow, mysteriously always on vacation, or unavailable, and never gets my message relayed to them when they are.

And still, to my father, somehow, this is my fault. I didn't follow up enough, I didn't look hard enough for a good job, I didn't try hard enough to do xyz, whatever. It's ALWAYS my fault.

And? The same goes for my disability. Somehow he thinks I can overcome the conditions I have, and become completely abled, bend and lift and move heavy things, pass every class, etc. He believes I'm not trying hard enough to overcome my disabilities, that I'm not doing enough and I'm using my disabilities as an excuse and thus limit myself and what I can do simply because I "believe" my limits are what they are. He thinks I can push those limits and become abled.

You know what happens when I push the limits? I break my bones, I tear my muscles, my body collapses, I have breakdowns and meltdowns, I end up driven to the edge and kill myself. And whose fault is that? Well, apparently, it's mine. I didn't HAVE to break that bone. I didn't HAVE to tear those muscles. I didn't HAVE to collapse. I just wasn't doing that thing right!!! IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT AND I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT!!!!!

I am USELESS to capitalism!!! And I'm not good enough to my father because of it!!!!! And that is apparently my fault!!!!!! There is nothing I can do because, fuck, I need a job to live!!!!! How am I supposed to live if I get abused and used at every available job IF there's even a smidgen of a chance I land that job???!!!!!

How do I live without money?? I don't!! How do I make money?? A job!! How do I get a good job?? I literally am too disabled to do that!!! I'm doomed and fucked over!!!! I hate this!!! And there's literally no escape and no hope for me!!!!!!