#i guess pray for me that they’ll want me back? i think i made a solid impression this summer

[cats-in-the-clouds]

i wanna go back to work at this catholic organization so i can keep using ‘many blessings’ or something fun like that as an email signoff instead of boring old ‘best’

[violet-fluff]

💙 Levi x !Pregnant Reader

Late Arrival

Thanks @roseofdarknessblog for the suggestion! I want to make a Dadvi series now. Hope you all enjoy!

You look out the window and gloomily stare around at the empty training field.

The Survey Corp had set out on an emergency mission to patch up a wall within Wall Maria. Levi was forced to go as well, leaving you, his pregnant wife, behind for a week.

You weren’t left completely alone though. Hanji ordered Moblit to stay behind as well to watch over you. Your baby isn’t due for another two weeks, so Moblit was here to help you get around as your giant belly made it difficult.

Heavens help him if you were to go into labor because this man wouldn’t know what to do.

“Are you ok, Y/N?” Moblit asks, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“They’re half a week late.” You remind him anxiously as you sit on your bed.

He gives you a sympathetic smile. “And I doubt they will be any later. Especially with Levi wanting to be here with you. I bet they’ll be here when you wake up in the morning.”

You laugh softly as you took notice of how your nervous friend was trying to tip-toe around your pregnancy hormones. “Thanks, Moblit. You’ve been nothing but helpful for me. I guess I’ll go to bed now. I’m really tired.”

He nods and walks back out to Levi’s office. He’s been sleeping on Levi’s couch so he can be close by if you need anything. Levi’s orders.

Throughout the night, you could only toss and turn as it seems your baby wants to roll around and kick you every minute. Groaning in annoyance, you sit up and rub your stomach.

“Can you calm down for me please?” You beg.

Your baby replies with another hard kick, so you shake your head in defeat as you stand up to grab a book to read. Except when you stand up, a sharp cramp ripples in your stomach and a heavy flow of liquid falls from under your dress.

You stand in shock as you pray that it’s not what you think it is, until another sharp cramp makes you sit back down onto the bed and hold your stomach in pain.

“Moblit!!” You scream for your friend and you cry in pain.

A few moments go by and the door swings open. “What’s wrong?!” Moblit asks while trying to rub sleep from his eyes.

“I’m-I’m in labor!”

“Oh shit!” He runs up to you. “What do we do?!”

You hold your stomach and cry. “I don’t know! But I think they’re coming out!”

“Ok ok! Um… let’s lay you down!?” Moblit helps you swing your legs back onto the bed and props you up with another pillow.

You instinctively bend your legs up as you feel the baby push down.

“Wait wait! I’m not ready for you to push!” Moblit says in desperation.

“I am!!” You scream and lean forward as you push.

Moblit gives his own little yell of panic and goes to the foot of the bed. “I’m sorry but I have to look!” He tells you as he lifts up your sleep dress. He nearly faints as he sees the head of the baby start to crown out.

“Is the baby coming out?!” You ask breathlessly.

“Y-yes! Just keep pushing! And remember to breathe please!” He orders.

You nod and keep pushing.

After what seems like another thirty minutes of pushing and nervous encouragement from Moblit, you feel all the pain and pressure release from you.

A piercing cry fills the room and you lay back on the pillows to try and control your breathing. You feel a light weight on your chest and you look down to see a reddish dirty baby moving their arms and legs around while crying.

“You have a daughter.” Moblit announces while trying not to cry.

Suddenly reality hits as you look down and hug the baby closer to you…your baby. You cry as you gently rock her, trying to calm her down.

A snipping sound hits your ears and you look down to see Moblit cutting the umbilical cord.

“I’m not sure if I cut the right spot, I just know I have to cut it.” He says.

You smile at him. “Thank you for everything, Moblit.”

——

A few more days pass and you are sitting in bed reading, looking over every once in a while to make sure your baby girl was sleeping ok.

Suddenly the bedroom door opens and you look up expecting to see Moblit, but instead see Levi.

You both look at each other with wide eyes and he hurries over to you, pulling you forward into a tight hug.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t here.” He whispers in your ear.

You pull away and look at his face, tears threaten to leave his eyes.

“It’s ok, Levi. I’m just glad you’re back.” You smile shyly at him and grab his face . “We have a daughter now. Go see her.”

Levi looks back at you with furrowed brows. “I’m…I’m scared.”

A small cooing came from the basinet and you giggle. “But I think she wants to meet you.”

You watch as Levi walks over to the basinet and peers inside. A tiny baby girl who mirrors his own looks stares back at him with wide, grey eyes as she chews on her hand.

“Crazy how the mother carries the child, but they always come out looking like father.” You joke, trying to lighten the tension.

Levi gives a small smile as he touches his daughter’s smooth hair. It’s so black that light itself may have trouble penetrating it.

He carefully picks up the baby girl and lifts her closer to his face. She coos and reaches out to grab his nose. You watch from the bed and quickly wipe the tears flowing from your eyes as you take in the sight of the love of your life holding your child.

“I’m so sorry, my baby. I should have been here.” He says while kissing her cheek.

“Levi, we still need to name her.”

Levi looks at his baby for a moment before turning to you . “Isabel.”

[save-the-villainous-cat]

knife torture in a creepy basement perhabs? maybe a shady mercenary has captured a hero on a supervillain's behalf but wants to have some fun with the hero before they give them up

“I’ve been told that you’re not very easy to capture,” the mercenary said. Their collection of knives was impressive and the hero was, simply put, getting ready for the torture.

They had survived a lot of similiar sessions. Guns, knives, water, fire — by now, the hero could slip into a state of simply enduring it all. No panic, no screaming. Their entire energy was spent on survival and usually, they got away with it just fine.

“Not because of you, but your little guard dog...” The mercenary looked at them intensely and suddenly the hero realised this was about to get more complicated. “Kinda dangerous. Making it that obvious.”

The hero smiled dryly, feeling dread fill their stomach.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, please. Do you think I’m that dumb?” The mercenary pressed a knife against their thigh and slowly, the sharp end dug into the hero’s skin, splitting layers of skin until it reached muscle. Until it reached bone.

The tears came quickly and the hero’s pathetic moans filled the basement. Their hands were bound behind their back, so they tried not to move at all. The wound would only get bigger.

“Christ,” they hissed, almost shouted. “Fuck—”

There was so much blood. The hero had forgotten how much they could bleed.

“Frankly, I don’t care about your little romance, the only feeling I have for it is somewhere between disgust and annoyance. I mean, who the fuck even cares?” They pressed the knife deeper into the hero’s thigh and scraped their femur terribly. The hero swallowed a scream, tried to maintain their composure but their tears wouldn’t stop and neither did the wheezing.

“What do you want?” the hero asked. For the first time, they were terrified. The mercenary knew about the villain. What if they had caught them? What if the villain was enduring this too right now? The hero couldn’t stomach that.

“Oh, you know…just wanna have some fun. I’m actually retired. Don’t get to do a lot of field work.” They pulled out the knife and the hero gasped in pain, praying that the villain was alright. Maybe the mercenary was simply toying with them? Surely, the villain was clever enough to get away from them. “Ah, shit. I guess you need that so you don’t bleed out? Hmmm. My bad.”

They jammed the knife back into the hero’s thigh, slightly above the first wound.

“Ouch, sorry. Not really good at aiming.” The mercenary shrugged. “Happens. Anyway. Your little lover? Do you think they’ll save you from all this drama?”

“God, please stop.” The hero struggled in their restraints, desperate to escape. They didn’t know what was worse: the knife? Or the psychological toying?

“Do you think anyone is gonna find you? I can tell you already, it’s not that easy. I’m no amateur.”

“You’ll kill me,” the hero whispered. “I’m gonna die here, I’m gonna bleed out, oh God…”

“You’re not the brightest, are you?” the mercenary asked. Again, they pulled out the knife and the hero’s thigh felt scorchingly hot. They didn’t want to know what kind of scars would be left on their thigh after this, how they’d explain it to the villain. “I need you alive. Blood loss is just helping me a little. Makes you dizzy, makes you sleepy. Makes you weak, just like the supervillain wants you.”

“You’ve made a pact with the devil,” the hero said. They leaned their head against the wall, tears still streaming down their face. The villain…they would save them, wouldn’t they?

“Very poetic.” They traced lines down the hero’s thigh, the knife digging into their skin every now and then. “But I don’t care that much about the money. I’m just curious if your lover will show up? People tend to think our lives should revolve around love. So, how much does your dear villain actually love you? Will they show up? Will they save you?”

They laughed and it almost sounded gentle.

“Let’s break all that trust you have in them, hm? At the end of the day, man eats himself. You’re terribly and very sadly, on your own. Just like the rest of us.” They whispered the last words. For the third time, they pressed their knife back into the hero.

The hours passed. And the villain never showed up.

[sharpbutsoft]

You Should Fear What You Already Know

7.10 Spec / T+ / 1k / Author Chose Not To Use Warnings

Buck’s always hated hospitals. The sickly smell of bleach and illness, the squeaky floors and buzzing fluorescent lights, the fact that he could never tell which was worse; being the victim or the victim’s family. He thinks he’s made up his mind about that last one today.

Sitting by Bobby’s hospital bed, Buck’s mind keeps getting stuck on how small he looks, how young. Objectively he knows Bobby’s not old, per se, but he’s always seemed so solid, so sure of himself and his place in this world. Like steel, or concrete.

Unyielding.

But Buck knows what repeated application of stress can do to steel, to concrete, to strong men. He’s seen it first hand; never needed to see it again.

“I don’t know if you can hear me,” he says, taking Bobby’s pale, fragile hand in his own. It’s warm to the touch, calloused like Buck’s own, but smaller, and that feels wrong. Nothing about Bobby should be smaller than Buck. “Every coma is different, you know? But I’m gonna believe you can until proven otherwise.”

Chim hadn’t heard anything. Buck had heard some things; not everything. But Bobby’s heart stopped, and Buck’s heart stopped, and maybe that’s the common denominator, the link between them. It’s a little hope, but it’s the only one he’s got.

“You- you said the other day, after I made lunch, that your work here is done. And at the time I- I was excited ‘cause I really tried, you know?

“I put everything into that meal, just like you do, and it must have worked. You looked so happy, after just one bite. And I was so proud of myself-“ Buck sniffs, wipes at his face with the back of his hand. “I was proud, ‘cause I’d impressed you.

“But I’ve changed my mind. You’re not, okay? Your work can’t be done, Bobby, ‘cause I made your lasagne for Tommy today and I don’t know what happened but the sauce, it was too thin, you know? I need you to show me again.” 

Buck squeezes his hand again, then relaxes it. The last thing Bobby needs is a bruised hand if… when he wakes up.

“I know you can hear me, okay? Because I heard you. After the lightning, in my coma dream. I heard you praying for me and- and I came back to you. So now it’s your turn, Bobby. I’ve seen what a world without you looks like and I can’t go back there. I won’t.”

Bobby’s heart monitor continues to beep, steady as a funeral march, not a stutter in its pace to indicate he’s heard anything Buck’s said. The low wheeze of the vent accompanies it, a nightmarish harmony. Buck wants to wake up.

He wants to wake up and see Bobby, whole and well and smiling and alive. But Buck is awake and Bobby might never be again and it’s the most unimaginable pain he’s ever felt.

Worse than the radiation scare in the tunnel - at least then Buck could talk to Bobby. Could wave off his concerns with gentle - and not so gentle - words. Could walk and talk and make them breakfast and smile. 

Could call Buck overprotective with an eye roll, and a warm hand on his shoulder.

“I lied to you, then,” Buck admits between clenched teeth. “You weren’t the same, in my coma dream. You- you were dead.” He whispers the word, like speaking it aloud could invite the possibility of it into the room. “You were dead, because you relapsed.

And the team never noticed how bad it was getting, because I wasn’t there to provoke you, I guess. After the plane went down.”

Buck laughs humorlessly as he remembers how even in his own head, the thought of Bobby not being there nearly killed him too. 

“I think my brain might have over-inflated my importance in your life, honestly, but it- it devastated me. And I still- I can’t-“ The tears come rushing back from somewhere so deep, so dark that Buck’s not sure they’ll ever stop once they spill. “I won’t live without you, okay? You know better than anyone how stubborn I am, Bobby. So you better come back to us.

“Your work here’s not done, and it’s never going to be done. Athena needs her husband. The 118 needs their captain. May and Harry need their dad, and I-“ 

That’s the thing, isn’t it? That precious, unspoken line they’ve never crossed. 

Because no one’s ever cared for him like Bobby has. No one’s worried about him, and protected him, and loved him with exasperation and anger and fear and joy so big and bold that Buck’s always been scared to look at it too close, let alone reach out and claim it. 

Now he might be too late.

But if there’s any part of Bobby that can hear him through the haze, then Buck’s going to be brave, gonna take the chance. He’d give all his blood, his plasma, his marrow. Any organ they could wrench from him he’d give to Bobby in a heartbeat, in the space between them.

Seems only fair to give him the title that goes with it.

“I need my dad, too. So, wherever you are, come back?” Please?”

-

Title is from Plastic Flowers by The Front Bottoms, don’t listen to it unless you wanna cry

I’ll post it to Ao3 later once I have it edited ✌️

[strwberri-milk]

hello welcome to pt. 2 of I Know You'll Always Love Me (And I Wish It'd Be Enough) that i like didnt konw when to post but now feels like a good time anyway it is a happy ending bc. i like happy endings

Paper Hearts

Kaeya x AFAB!Reader || Angst/Comf, Smut || 2 690 words

-> His mind was forever caught on "I love you"

The shards of your heart have always rested in Kaeya’s palms, knowing that even broken apart like this they’ll find solace simply in being near him. You wonder what’ll happen to you, if one day this ache will finally leave, if one day you can think back to him without sobbing so hard your head is pounding. 

Your knuckles are white, hands clasped tightly against each other as you wait. Each agonising moment deepens the indentations in your palm and you pray more than anything that you can get this done and over with. You can’t even afford to let your mind wander, constantly drifting back to the way his body feels against you, the way he kisses you – 

The way you ruined everything by telling him you love him. 

The image of it will never leave your head, biting down on your lip so hard you think you’ll break skin soon. Everything comes flooding back as though he just got off of you, the way he looked at you, the weight in the air from your voice. 

He never texted you again after that. 

You remember spiraling, checking his social media constantly to see if you could find who his new partner was. Every photo he posted you scrutinised, working yourself feverishly as you compared each person to you. She was so much thinner than you, he had the prettiest eyes, everyone he spent time with was so much better for him, nothing like you. 

You had no idea Kaeya was standing behind you, watching as you picked nervously at the grass on the ground. He was working up the nerve to walk over, knowing that he’s responsible for all of this. He ignored you for months on end, texted you today to get your hopes up but he’d be lying if his own weren’t resting up in the heavens. 

The smallest smile rests on his lips, remembering each and every of your little quirks so well. He knew that soon enough, you’d be lying on the ground, staring up at the sky to try and bring yourself down. Your beautiful eyes would forget him for a minute, the pain that he’s putting you through and he takes a deep breath, finally walking over to you. 

The sound of his footsteps brings you to attention, quickly turning to face the direction he came from. As soon as you see him you can’t help the smile on your face, bringing your hands up to cover it to avoid coming off as too desperate. You know this Kaeya, the one who’s cold and calculated, waiting for you to mess up to mark it to some secret ledger in his head. This one won’t snort at your jokes, mortified at the sound he made or whine because you ate the last piece of candy as he tries to kiss it out of you. 

No, this is the one that left you. 

For a second it seems like he’s heart at your reflex, shaking it off as he sits next to you without saying anything. His proximity sets your heart ablaze, aching to love him again. Your heart that was almost healed falls apart again, feeling the pain as raw as it was the day he told you he didn’t love you anymore. 

Anymore. 

Did he ever?

“I’m glad to see you’re doing well,” he says, making you scoff. 

“I guess I’m doing well then.” 

You can tell he’s pulling back, cursing yourself for saying something so impulsively again. That’s what landed you into this situation in the first place. 

“Are you trying to ask me to start up our agreement again?” you try instead, holding back your tears. 

He stays silent, and you decide you’re fed up. 

“I can’t just stay at your beck and call Kaeya! You can’t keep doing shit like this to me!”

The anger you’ve been holding back finally courses through your veins, unaware of how much he was struggling to hold himself back right now. He wanted this for so long, for your love for him to turn into righteous fury so he could leave without hurting you but now that it’s happening it only reminds him that you’re still holding his heart and there’s nothing he can do to stop you from keeping it. 

“I waited for you day and night just for you to come over and leave me when we’re done! Now you text me saying you want to talk and you just sit here in silence? Tell me I “look well”? You can’t seriously be that dumb, can you?!”

You’re not fully yelling at him but he can feel the bite in your words, wanting to curl in on himself or throw himself at your mercy to beg for your forgiveness. 

“If you’re just going to sit here and make me do this for you I’m done. I’m not breaking up with myself for you this time. I’ll lose your number and that’s that. I’ll be rid of you. Do you want that? Do you?!” 

At that his eye widens, grabbing your wrist without thinking and pulling you onto his lap. You try your best to fight it, pushing against his chest but he holds you tighter, burying his face in your neck as you try to curse him out pathetically. Your anger turns back to sadness, nails digging into his chest. You can feel his own nails digging into your back and feel the stuttering of his chest. 

“Please,” he barely manages to beg, voice raw and cracked. 

“Please don’t.”

That’s as far as he gets before you feel his breath skipping, tears falling onto your shoulder as he cries. 

You’re taken aback, expecting to become the sobbing mess but your instincts kick in, combing your fingers through his hair as you try to calm him down. It doesn’t seem to be working and you can barely understand what he’s trying to say but he refuses to let you go. 

“Kaeya, you need to breathe,” you try to tell him, not expecting him to shake his head to just cry harder. 

You keep calling his name, worried he’ll soak his eyepatch through to the point of discomfort so you untie it for him, finally able to push his face back to wipe away his tears. They seem never ending, mismatched eyes staring up at you glossily as they dart around your face desperately. 

“Don’t leave me, I’m sorry for everything I did to you.” 

“Kaeya I-”

“Listen to me, please.” 

He sounds so broken, bringing his hand up to brush a tear away from your face as you start crying yourself. 

“I was so afraid of you. I was afraid of how much you loved me, how much I love you. You made me feel safe for once and I didn’t want to lose that so I broke up with you. I ruined the only good thing that’s ever happened to me because I was scared and I’ve spent every minute wishing I could just get over myself so I could have you back,” he says, cupping your face reverentially in his hands. 

“I’ve never loved someone like you and I never will. You don’t have to take me back – I don’t even expect you to. I was awful to you, breaking up with you and texting you just to have sex because I thought it would hurt less if I could see you like that but every time I just missed you more and more. It was getting so hard to leave and then you said you love me I just –” 

His voice cracks again, thumb running over your cheek as though it would be the last time he would ever see you. 

“I love you too. I love you so much that I could die. I would die, if it meant you would love me again and to hear that you did destroyed me. I was so self centered I didn’t even think about how much I was hurting you and I thought ignoring you would give you the chance to move on but I’m so greedy I didn’t even want to give you that chance. I just want you so bad I don’t know what to do. Please, you always know what to say to make me feel better. How do I fix this? Please, just tell me what I have to do, I'll do it,” he pleads, pulling you into a desperate kiss. 

If his words weren’t clear enough for you this kiss sure was, mixed with salt from both your tears and a frailty that you would never associate with him. His lips slide over yours in a way that’s both hesitant and practised, giving you the chance to pull away but you refuse, pressing into him more. The slight moan that slips past his lips makes you whine, letting him take control as he kisses you harder. 

“You’re always so mean to me, you know that?” you say when he finally lets you breathe, panting against him as he peppers more kisses down your neck and shoulder. 

“I always tell you that. You need to stop bullying me before you say something you’ll regret.” 

He can hear the shake in your voice and nods, putting his hands on your waist. 

“If I didn’t tell you now I’d regret it so much. This can mean nothing if you want it to, but just know that I’ll always love you, no matter what,” he replies softly, biting back his noise of surprise when you press a kiss to his lips. 

“Thank you.” 

“Kaeya!” you moan, struggling to stay conscious as he continues to ram into the spot that makes you see stars. 

You wish that he’d let you hide your face, hands struggling against his interlocked fingers that he’s insisted need to stay pinned by your head. Your whole body is flush under his attention, unsure how many times you’ve cum at this point. The space where your bodies meet is drenched in your arousal and you know your throat is hoarse but this time not from tears. 

“What is it love? Doesn’t it feel good?” he purrs into your ear, falling back into his affectionate habits as he grunts from the way you clench over him at the pet name. 

“You feel good,” you whine, knees locking up against his waist as he makes you cum again. Your eyes flutter shut at the feeling, arching into his chest as he hungrily takes it all in. 

Somehow, he’d managed to convince you to take him back and now was showing you his gratitude. You have no idea how many hours it’s been and for all you know it could have been days of him using his mouth all over your body before slipping into your soaking cunt. The familiar heat made him cum almost instantly, grinding into your body before he filled you up just to go all over again. 

Kaeya’s chest feels so warm, brimming with nothing but affection for you as he shudders from your orgasm. It’s still not enough for him, wanting to make up for all the hurt he’s caused you. He won’t be satisfied until you’re nearly passed out under him, nothing but his name on your lips to remind him that this is real. 

That he’s yours again. 

The thought makes him cum, hungrily kissing you to press his moans into your mouth. His cockhead is practically stinging with oversensitivity by how many loads he’s fucked into you at this point and it makes his legs jittery but he refuses to let it stop him, continuing as though he hasn’t just had the strongest orgasm he’s had in months. 

“I love you, I love you,” he groans as a mantra against your lips while his hips pick up more speed, hands tightening their hold on you. 

You try to return his sentiment, words stolen as you devolve into moans when he releases one of your hands to travel between your bodies. His fingers circle your clit tightly which makes you gasp in his ear as he gets even rougher. He knows your body better than he knows his own, eyes screwing shut in pleasure when he feels your nails drag angry lines down his back. 

“It’s too much - you’re -” 

That’s a sound he missed. Your gasps, your pleas, the way he can force your mind to go blank whenever you cum thanks to him as he sits back up, taking in the image of you underneath him. 

He’s covered your chest and neck in hickies and bites. The ones he left on your thighs have already begun to fade but he doesn’t mind. He’s going to keep you close to him, continue to spoil you in attention because you’re the only person he’ll ever love like this. His affection and lust swirl as a result of the potent drug that is you, a pathetic whine slipping past his lips from the way your eyes roll back into your head when he presses your thighs into your chest by the backs of your knees. This way he can feel himself sinking further into you, the mattress still bouncing up onto his creamed cock. He can see the ring of white on the base of his balls slamming into your wrecked pussy that’s brightly flushed from all of his attention. 

“You’ve done so well for me this whole time,” he coos sweetly, still keeping up his pace as you shake your head. 

“C’mon, just one more for me. Can’t you manage that? Make me cum again, please? Just for me? I love you after all.” 

He won’t stop saying it. He can’t stop. He has to remind you how much he loves you, that he will always love you, no matter what. 

“I love you too,” you finally manage, hands grabbing blindly at his arms as you squirt all over him for the nth time. 

“Fuck you’ve always been so good,” he pants, your words pushing him over the edge. 

He drops your knees, bringing his hands to your hips as he moves them for you. In your fucked out state you can only whimper at the feeling of him using you, choked gasps leaving your throat. His cum fills you up and his arms wrap around your body, pulling you so close to him not even your sweat has room to move. 

He starts to catch his breath, panting in your ear with low groans every once in a while as he comes down from his high. It makes you shudder, collapsing back down onto the bed with him as he holds you to his chest. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he mumbles against your hair and twining your legs together. 

“I didn’t try to kick you out,” you tease, gently running your fingers down the path your nails took. 

“I’m trying not to kick myself out,” Kaeya pouts, brushing your hair out of your face. 

“Kaeya Alberich I swear to God - if you leave me again after everything you said and did to me I really won’t forgive you this time.” 

He laughs a little, the sound so familiar it makes your heart ache. You feel his hands cup your face, tilting you to face him so he can press a kiss to your lips. 

“I’m never leaving you, not again, okay? So just take your time to forgive me and I’ll figure out what else I need to do to make sure you know that.” 

You smile softly at him, resting your head on his arm as he wraps it around your shoulder. 

“I’ll hold you to that. Get ready for some groveling,” you smile, unable to take your eyes off him. 

“I’m prepared to do anything.” 

You know that he means it, the earnest glint in his eyes and the way he keeps muttering your name in his sleep confirming it for you. Even in his sleep, he’s thinking about nothing but you, the sound of his breathing next to you lulling you into a restful slumber. 

[sapphire-weapon]

So, I reached the very endgame of FFXVI and looked at the shitton of sidequests that popped up before heading off to the final confrontation and went “fuck it.” I had done every single sidequest in the game leading up to this point, but I was reaching the end of the final night of the days I had taken off of work to play this game and I just needed to beat it and be done with it. I made a manual save at that point and just went into the final boss, intending to go back to the sidequests later.

After I beat the game, I didn’t honestly think I’d actually go back to those sidequests. What was the point, knowing how the game ended and what it meant?

ENDING SPOILERS BENEATH THIS CUT

And then I poked my head into the fandom and kept seeing people insist that Clive lived in the end (and also probably so did Joshua). And, at first, I was like “how much fucking copium are you guys huffing over here?? We literally physically see Joshua die, and he even says that the power of the Phoenix can mend flesh, but it can’t bring the dead back to life. So, all that happened was that Clive healed his corpse to make him look more dignified, but that is it. And we literally see Clive fucking turn into stone and Jill feels his aether disappear. They fucking died, we saw them die, you are so high on copium it’s making you look stupid.”

But then I kept digging into it.

And digging into it.

For Joshua -

Ultima says that Clive’s will is so strong that it actually harbors the power of creation, especially considering the way that Joshua is etched onto his heart. And, during the ending, Clive has Ultima’s power, which also literally is creation. We might not see Joshua get up and move around again, but his survival is hinted at/confirmed during the post-credits scene when he’s listed as the author of the book.

Okay, I can buy that. I guess. It still sounds copium as fuck to me, but I can see how people got there.

Clive’s was a little bit more abstract, and I kept seeing people refer to a conversation he had with Jill that I swear to god I never saw, because apparently Jill is the confirmation that he lived. So, in an effort to understand what the fuck people were talking about, I booted the game back up and went back and did the sidequests that I’d ignored last night.

And I saw the conversation.

And fandom is right. 

This motherfucker goddamn lived ARE YOU KIDDING ME

THIS SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN IN MISSABLE OPTIONAL CONTENT HOLY FUCK

It’s subtle, and it’s spelled out purely in symbolism, but it is there.

Jill says: “I realized that, no matter how terrible the night, dawn will always come. You [will] always come for me. And you have. Again and again.”

A few lines later, Clive says: “I’ll stop at nothing to see that you [get the life you want].”

In the ending, Jill watches Metia go out -- Metia, which she prayed on to bring Clive back to her -- and she takes that to mean that Clive is dead. But when she runs out of the infirmary and drops to her knees, the sun rises. Immediately. And Torgal howls -- and howling is how wolves try to signal their location to lost members of the pack to guide them home. And then Jill smiles at the sight of the sun.

Metia goes out because Jill doesn’t have to wish on it anymore -- not because Clive is dead, but because they’ll never have to be separated again. It also probably goes out because there’s no more magic left in the world. And, in fact, that’s probably why he doesn’t die -- the ability to channel aether in the form of magic disappears from the world before the curse can actually fully take him.

Because I rewatched the ending, and --

We don’t actually see him turn to stone. We see his hand turn to stone, but it doesn’t appear to be creeping up the rest of his arm or anything. And then he just... closes his eyes and drops his head against the sand.

That motherfucker is alive.

And because he’s alive, it ties back to Joshua because of the sidequest with the fuckin heartstones binding them together through the will of their father. If one endures, so too must the other. They both have to carry out Elwin’s legacy; it can’t just be Clive (or, it can’t just be Joshua, if you’re of the opinion that Clive resurrected him with Ultima’s power but then died himself).

Because it wasn’t just Cid’s dream and Cid’s legacy -- it was Elwin’s, too. The game makes it a point to repeat that over and over again, and it also keeps hammering home the idea that Clive and Joshua need to continue on living in order to see Elwin’s dream realized.

And Elwin’s dream is shown to have been realized in the post-credits scene. For that to have happened, both Clive and Joshua had to have lived.

Does this absolve XVI of all of its other writing problems? Absolutely not.

Is it complete and utter bullshit that this is so obtuse and missable and a vast majority of people are never going to find it? Yes.

Does it make things marginally better, though.......? Yeah, it actually does.

This is the payoff for Clive allowing himself to be loved. Jill’s love for him literally saved his life. Cid gave him something to die for, but Jill gave him something to live for. He made it a point to hold on long enough to look at the moon, because he promised her he would -- and doing that is what kept him going long enough that the magic disappeared before his body could fully turn to stone. And that whole idea of death and rebirth is thematically tied into the whole Phoenix thing and all that other bullshit.

I’m going to need to take some time to process all of this, but.

It does make me feel at least a little better.

[apocalypticwafflekitten]

Sweet Surprises

Gabriel x F!Reader 

A/N: This is a prequel to Sweet Heart-to-Heart! I had this idea for how the two initially met and I wanted to write it out!

Original Imagine/Summary Thingy: Sam and Dean need help on a case and you find your own way to help them - even if that means going behind their backs.

Warnings: I tagged this as fem!reader because the Trickster calls the reader a lady once. Other than that it’s pretty gender neutral! Other than that, nope!

Word Count: 1.8k

When you opened the door to Crawford Hall, you were surprised to find dim lights and, well…romantic music playing, if you could call it that. It was a specific genre of cheesy “sexy” music that made you cringe. The lyrics made you want to run right out of the building - intentions for coming here be damned. But you were determined to talk with the trickster, so you crept down the hall, following the sound of the music, hoping that it would lead you to the man you were looking for.

The music’s trail led you to the auditorium which was bathed in red light. The “sexy” music blared louder, grating against your ears. You didn’t even notice the bed, nor the two ladies on the bed, at first. But once you recovered from the initial shock and adjusted to the music, your face grew warm, noticing the beautiful women and their suggestive lingerie.

“Hello ladies?” You asked, thoroughly confused, offering an awkward wave their way.

They looked surprised, like they’d been taken off guard. They gave each other a confused look, having a silent conversation for a few seconds before shrugging to one another and turning back to you.

“Hello” the blonde said with a smile, “what brings you here tonight?”

“Well, I was looking for the janitor, but I seem to have walked in on something. I’ll just uh…go.”

But before you could even turn to leave, a voice rang from behind you, startling you out of your confusion.

“Well hello there, pretty lady. I’m afraid I was expecting someone else, my apologies,” You whipped around to look at whoever was speaking. He was wearing what looked to be a custodial uniform, sporting a curious look and quirk to his brow, “Who might you be?”

You shouldn’t have been thinking about it, but you couldn't help but notice his caramel hair that had little glints of gold shining along the strands when the light hit right. You shouldn’t have been paying attention to the warm color of his eyes, or the shape of his face. You shouldn’t have noticed the shape of his lips - shouldn’t have even looked at them period. But alas, here you were, taking everything in in the span of milliseconds. Maybe a few milliseconds too long even.

You gave him your name, “I’m a friend of the Winchesters. They called me to help with the case. I wanted to talk with you.”

To say he was intrigued would be an understatement. You said you were a friend of the Winchester’s which meant that you were likely a hunter like them. And if you spent any amount of time hunting with them, then he’d expect you to be just as trigger-happy as they were. But here you were, asking to talk. Just talk.

He gave you a skeptical look, popping a chocolate into his mouth as he leaned against the stage. “Now why would you want to do that?”

You sighed, resting your hands in your jacket pockets, praying this would go over easily, “Look, I know you’re the trickster. You’ve been around for every one of these weird accidents and all our evidence points to you. I just want to talk.”

He shrugged, giving you a slow round of applause, “Well, I guess there’s no use in hiding it now. You’ve hit a home run sugar. So, what exactly do you wanna talk about?”

You took a deep breath, fidgeting your hands in your pockets, “Listen, I don’t want to kill you if I don’t have to. My brothers, they’ll kill you without so much as a second thought; they’re very ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ kinda people. Personally, I’m not huge on that, so if I can convince you to leave town and lay low for a while so we don’t have to kill you, I’d rather take that option.” You insist.

He nodded, taking your answer in, “Real quick: Do the bros know you’re here?”

“No,” you respond, “And as much as I’d love to sit and chat, they’re gonna be here soon, if they’re not already on their way, so I suggest we make this quick.”

He nodded and turned to pace in front of you, thinking over his options.

“So why are you telling me all of this? You say you’re a friend of the Winchesters which means you probably hunt monsters and creatures like me as well. Why go behind their backs to give me an out? Why not kill me?”

“Like I said, I don’t like killing if I don’t have to. I don’t really like killing all that much to begin with, so if I can talk with whatever we're hunting, I usually take that option. Seeing as I can talk with you, reason with you, I’d rather do that than get unnecessary blood on my hands.”

He gave you a look, a scrutinizing one that tried to piece together how, or why a hunter - especially one associated with the Winchesters - would give him a chance like this. It baffled him.

“Hmm. That’s odd to hear from a hunter.”

You give him a dry, huffed laugh, “Yeah, well, I’m not your average hunter.”

“So I see,” he responds, summoning a red sucker as he came to stop his pacing right in front of you, “One question though: what happens if I skip town and just start killing again?”

“The brothers will hunt you down again. That’s why I was hoping to convince you to lay low for a while or stop killing altogether.”

“And if they do hunt me down again? If I don’t stop killing?” He countered.

You give him a shrug, “I can only keep them from killing you so many times. I’m trying to give you a chance to avoid death, but if you decide to throw that away then that’s on you.”

“Gotcha.” He answered with a pop of his sucker, “so, how long are we talkin’ for laying low?”

You couldn't stop your eyes from falling to his lips even if you’d tried, but they darted back up to his eyes near instantly, “A few months. Maybe a year or so.”

He smirked, “Alrighty Sugar, how about this: I leave and lay low for around a year. You won’t hear or see a thing from me for that year, and in return I ask for one thing.”

It was your turn to give him a skeptical look. You crossed your arms and quirked a brow, “And what’s that?”

He smiles at you with something mischievous glinting in his eyes, “All I ask…are your favorite candies.”

“My favorite candies?” You ask, shock, then confusion contorting your face, “Why would you wanna know that?”

He responded with what was likely the millionth mischievous smirk of the day, “You’ll see.”

You were still a little skeptical, but nonetheless listed your favorite three sweets for him, all the while wondering what in heaven’s name he would want with that information.

“Alrighty Sugar, I’ll keep those in mind and—

Your phone rang, playing the opening riff of “Thunderstruck”.

“Fuck, that’s Dean.” You scrambled to answer your phone, “Sorry, gimme a sec.”

The trickster watched as you talked with Dean. He couldn’t help but watch the way you paced as you listened to whatever Dean was saying over the phone, nor could he get the image of your eyes out of his head. There was something in your gaze that dug deeper than his surface. It was like they could look directly past all the walls he had put up over the last millennia and see what was really hiding behind all the smirks and jokes and teasing. And for some reason, instead of that scaring him like it should, it made him want to ask you how. How could you know that there was more to him just by looking at him? Did you even know that your eyes were looking that deep? Maybe he was reading too much into the soft eyes of a compassionate hunter, but maybe, just maybe he wasn’t.

“Alrighty, see you at Crawford Hall in twenty minutes.” Your voice jolted him back to reality. It really didn't help that on top of your soulful eyes and beautiful body you also had a voice that just…it sounded right to him. He could pick it out in a crowd of a thousand people easily.

“I take it that’s my cue to leave?” He asked, sounding a little hesitant.

“Yeah, I’d say so. I’ll cover for you once you go. Don’t worry.” You gave him a reassuring smile and a warm look.

He nodded, a genuine smile on his face this time, “Thank you for the warnin’ sugar. I’ll see you in about a year.”

And with that he, the girls, the bed, and the music were gone.

You sighed. There was a part of you, deep down, that was disappointed to see the trickster go. He’d been interesting, curious, even a little charming (not to mention that he was a handsome fellow). You were curious about him too. You wanted to get to know him more; ask him questions, ‘pick at his brain’ so to speak. But there was one silver lining at least: you knew that you’d get to see him again in a years’ time, and that put a smile on your face.

You waited for Sam and Dean to show up, stakes at the ready, but when they got to the auditorium, all they found was you and an empty stage.

“What the hell happened? Did you gank the guy? He’s supposed to be here.” Dean asked, frustration clear in his voice.

“I don’t know,” you lied, “He’s just gone. There was no sight of him when I got here. Maybe he caught wind of us and skipped town?”

“Maybe.” Dean grumbled. He sighed, pausing for a second, “Alright. Let’s do a sweep of the place to make sure he’s gone. Then we can head back to the motel.”

~~~

When you got back to the motel that night, you threw your keys and purse on your bed. When you did so, a crinkling, plastic noise caught your attention. Looking back to where you had thrown your keys and purse, you found a large bag of each of the candies you’d mentioned to the trickster arranged on your bed. There were even some other sweets that you hadn’t mentioned, all framing a thank you card. You smiled, laughing a little to yourself before sitting on the bed and opening the card. You were surprised at how neat the handwriting was:

“I’m glad I got to meet you today Sugar. I hope you like the candies. I threw in a couple of my favorites as well as a thank you for saving my hide. I hope I get to see you again in a year’s time. Until then stay sweet, and keep asking questions before you shoot!

Your new friend,

The Trickster”

You smiled, folding the card and placing it in your bag before opening a bag of Mini M&Ms that he’d left. You shoveled a handful into your mouth as you thought of the trickster, making a silent promise to see him again next year.

~~~

Tags!

@justalittletomato @fanficsforheartandsoul

[seraphsfire]

hey y’all i know i said i was going to report back on rings of power and i knew it obviously at this point wasn’t using any lore from the text so instead I was curious what their plan was and I didn’t expect this but they fucking ruined Hobbits. I’m. Legitimately angry, which is why i just want to kind of. warn people. I don’t anticipate really posting much more about it on this blog from now on.

I dont’ mean “ruined” as in “they look stupid”. This is beyond that. They made these brandyfoots cruel.

These hobbits live in groups of caravans and are nomadic. (and as those of you who have seen footage from the first two episodes know they are also extremely dirty and have super fake irish accents which is a conversation someone less tired can tackle)

Turns out with the brandyfoots if your caravan (or you) are too slow, they literally leave you behind to die. This is an issue because Nori’s dad has a broken ankle and her and her stepmom are legitimately afraid they’ll be left behind.

Before the hobbits begin each next migration they will sit there and read out the names of the people they left behind. This is called (and i’m being 100% truthful here) being “de-caravan-ed” 

they drink and look sad about most of the people that were de-caravaned and then a name of a hobbit who was left behind because bees chased him (???) is read and then they all start laughing and say “ha ha he was a bit of an eedjit.”

Anyway all I can describe the feeling of seeing a bunch of hobbits who live by a creed of strict social darwinism and leave people behind to die and then laughing about it as taking extreme psychic damage. 

hobbits are supposed to be good and wholesome and organized around community and family. That’s what hobbits are; i don’t have to tell any of you that because it’s common knowledge. The meanest hobbits get is stealing stuff. Maybe they’ll try to play it off as “oh those people didn’t die! they’re just alone forever!” but if they did that then it doesn’t make sense that they were crying about these people and repeatedly saying that Staying On The Trail Together is the “only way” brandyfoots survived. 

I suppose it could be some sort of obscure part of tolkien lore that i’ve forgotten about some bands of hobbits leaving people behind to die when they were traveling west. If so, please tell me what it says/where because im praying they did Not just go and do this for no reason. 

I was hanging on desperately by a thread hoping for at least internal consistency in this show. I wanted to see some cool scenery maybe, but i think atp ive given up. For instance, Galadriel is rescued by a ship full of numenoreans-- which she doesn’t recognize despite their extremely distinctive armor and ship and clothing and colors. I was like okay whatever. Then they come through the fog to numenor and she’s like OMG ive heard of this place! then later she’s explaining to this guy about how “our people were like kin for generations.” 

........but she doesn’t even know what the numenoreans look like???????she couldn’t even guess based on what they looked like and where in the ocean they were???

another instance of her (and the other elves who couldn’t figure it out) being incredibly stupid is that mark of sauron left on finrod is apparently literally just a map of mordor / the southlands, where the elves were having trouble with orc rumors and stuff already. their wisest elves didn’t even guess this for thousands of years. i could go on and on about that but since they’re obviously not following any of the text, pointing that out over and over again is kind of pointless. Anyway. I know i complained a lot about the first two episodes but episode three was somehow worse? at least the lack of internal consistency within the show itself seemed more blatant this time. And then of course the hobbits having this facade of cute dirtyness (??) but actually being cruel. I think i actually would have minded it less if they had a group of hobbits that were blatantly cruel because you could say they were affected by something. But this is somehow more disturbing. Idk. 

[heretherebedork]

I don’t want to give you hard spoilers for Sky’s backstory in the book without warning (and you’re 100% free to ignore this if you don’t want to get into back and forths about the books or whatever since I know that’s not fun and the series don’t always follow the books anyway, etc etc)

But in the novel, Sky didn’t know it was a joke? Idk why they didn’t make it clearer in the series that Prai was joking (or if they just changed it, for some reason…..who knows), but afaik, in the novel he didn’t get that it was a joke either. which is what leads to them having sex, and the reason Sky doesn’t get why is a big Spoiler for his past.

Idk, but yeah it’s kinda bothering me too that they didn’t make it clearer that he was joking, maybe they’ll reveal it later but that definitely did not seem like a joke lmao

I won't get into back and forths and I don't really much care about the book, tbh. The show has to be able to exist as a separate entity in and of itself and if it only works if you know the book than that just means it doesn't work.

But, yeah, that'd make at least a more sense I guess? But that doesn't make it better. That still leaves it as consent under duress and coercive rape because the rapist might know he's joking but what matters is the consent of the victim.

It also makes sense even without his past, I mean, frankly, I absolutely don't see any reason to assume that Prapai is joking in this situation. Everything he says made sense for the situation and fit with what we've seen of him so far. He's an asshole who thinks that because he's an asshole it doesn't matter what he does and no one else should care either.

Honestly, it's just... off to a bad start. As I said, my biggest worry is that the show will let Prapai stay static while Sky is the one who has to grow rather than the other way around. Because Sky is worthy of everything and Prapai is the one who should be changing to be better for him and not the other way around.

(but also please no actual book spoilers, I don't want to know and, frankly, don't really care lol.)

[anonymous-person-in-hellhole]

Bubblegum Cookie tries to plot something... and fails :3

While GingerBrave leaves elsewhere, Bubblegum Cookie leaves to go to the greenhouse housing white lilies. They stare at the beautiful flowers, sniffing their succulence and wondering if the cookie made from them were just as sweet. They’ve only heard stories of the ancient hero, how kind and loving she was, how she healed every cookie who went to her, they always saw White Lily Cookie as the sweetest and kindest of the ancients, even compared to Grandpapi.

'I wonder where she is now?' They ponder to themself, wondering why two of the five cookies hadn't come to the Ancients' Reunion and Council Meeting... 'Well, I guess they have something else to do...' They face the garden of flowers, kneel on both of their knees, and hope that this reaches White Lily somehow.

"White Lily, help me find a way to help save the Vanilla Kingdom, show me a way to figure out his plans, and..." they pause before finishing, making sure no one heard that, they look around, see no one, and feel secure in their secret self-assigned mission, then continues, "... and give me a chance to prove myself this time. You may not be a goddess, but you were a queen and a warrior and leader... and I pray for this plan against Dark Enchantress' defeat to prosper." They open their eyes and see the lilies reacting to a gentle breeze. They nod and continue planning a way to figure out Clotted Cream's plans on their way out.

"Thank you, greenhouse."

They walk around the kingdom, seeing random people running around, including Dark Cacao, for some reason, and later find themself at the door of his chambers. They feel like entering it, but they don't know why, they don't even have a plan for what they'll do when they enter. But they don’t want to leave, because they'll be losing an opportunity to finally understand his plan.

"Excuse me...?"

"Huh?" They turn their head to where the sudden sound came from, and see Financier, his guard, staring at them with her narrowed eyes that make it unclear for Bubs to know what she is thinking in her head, a great tactic against spies like them. "Oh, it's just you, Financier..."

"What are you doing at the entrance to the Consul's chambers?"

"Nothing, just wandering..." they lie, then walk away, to try and avoid suspicion, and leave for the... honestly, they just don't know. They always wander, so, at least they're not entirely lying. They find themself, this time, in the garden, where their frazzled mind gets distracted by:

"... Who stands in my way?! ... You dare to attack?! *hic* G-go ahead!"

They stifle holding back their laughter from such a funny sight, the King Dark Cacao, drunk out of his mind, challenging a tree, while Hollyberry watches him in the background. Seeing the two ancient heroes being so friendly, so childish, and just generally having fun gives Bubs a reason to smile and laugh, which only brightens their day. They walk away, trying to go back to their stressful mind's reason for stressing out, when they connect two dots that, even in this headspace, they know they shouldn't.

'What if I try befriending him? No, that's stupid, befriending someone doesn't make them want to tell all of their secrets... or does it? Ugh, I don't know, maybe I-'

Suddenly, they’re surprised and ready to fight when hearing jet turbines, the sound of both magic and technology getting closer. Their anxiety suddenly heightens and begin investigating where the noise is coming from. What they see is two cookies, until they look closer, and realize that those two cookies are cookies they've seen before. GingerBrave approaches them and greets them, and they walk over to greet them too.

"Hey, Espresso. Hey, Madeleine." They raise their hand, their palm facing them, in a low-effort approach in waving their hand of saying 'hello.' Espresso then says something,

"I hear the Republic has seen many changes since our departure. Clotted Cream Cookie has become the new Consul." He continues, "I recall him being but a novice politician. Indeed, the political situation across the sea is difficult to predict!"

Madeleine expresses, with his ever so self-indulging confidence, "Ah, I can't wait to meet my fellow Republicans! Do you know where to find Clotted Cream Cookie?"

They then notice Bubblegum's jaw clenching, and their body language shift into one of tensity, and Madeleine Cookie asks,

"Are you okay? Is my aura too strong for you? Forgive me, for I must be at my best, not everyone can handle me-"

He then gets stopped by his partner, who then says, "No, it is not you. I could hardly believe that ANYONE would be that charmed by you. Clearly, they are tense about some cream else." He then smirks, while Madeleine looks dumbfounded, before getting it, and suddenly lets out a loud laugh, "Ha ha!" He then continues,

"Has someone been charmed by the youngest Consul of our Republic? Well, what can you expect from the greatest charmer of all of the Republic, even far greater than me?"

Bubblegum, at this point, is just expecting this assumption from everyone, but gets intrigued by the latter question, and asks what he means.

"Oh, Clotted Cream Cookie is well known to be charismatic and convincing. It’s probably why he was the elected Consul now!” 

"Oh... good to know..." This could be helpful information for them, if only they knew what to do with it.

"Where is Clotted Cream Cookie?" Madeleine asks, and Bubblegum decides to join them.

"Follow me! I'll lead the way!" GingerBrave answers and helps lead them to his chambers, including Bubs, who wants to just enjoy the company of some friends, even if they’re going straight to the cookie they’ve been, admittedly, obsessively thinking too much about.

GingerBrave knocks on the door, and they decide to try to leave until GingerBrave looks at them, face pleading with them to stay, because he wants to help Bubblegum with this moral issue of their understanding of Clotted Cream’s intentions. Bubblegum understands his goal, knowing that GingerBrave knows what they’re really after, and decides to stay, though slightly behind everyone. The door opens, with Financier carefully looking around at them, though her eyes looked almost brighter when seeing the legendary paladin himself, then reports to the Consul who is here.

"Madeleine Cookie! Espresso Cookie! I've been expecting you!" Clotted Cream welcomes everyone into his room, with Bubblegum following sort of close behind. They definitely noticed Clotted Cream's surprised stare.

The trio talks about some things, and Bubs starts to zone out until they hear about the magic Soul Jam... those ancient cookies' gems in their weapons (or in Grandpapi's case, on his outfit), which give them that power, as well as the gift of staying the same age, as they are, using Clotted Cream's words, "still so fresh and crispy."

Bubblegum is interested mainly, for one thing, Clotted Cream seems to want to investigate them... and that, while not fueling their suspicion anymore, does fuel their paranoia, which makes them feel a pit in their stomach, and-

--------------------------------------------------

"Princess!" They ran to their friend, their duty, their lover, seeing her not fully crumbled, to try and save her from the inevitable while their own little cookie body itself was cracked all over.

"Please, Bubs... don't stay here, I'm not gonna make it..." while tears welled up in her beautiful eyes, Bubblegum would not let her princess die here, but try as they might to lift her and get her away, they can't... they're too weak...

They're too weak to save their kingdom, to save their family, to save their princess... they failed.

Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure

You failed, Bubblegum Cookie...

You should be crumbled, turned to dust, nothing more than a mere memory...

Why do you keep trying to survive? The rest of your people didn't, yet here you are...

Waste of space...

Worthless...

Why even bother living.

Join her.

Join your parents.

Join them all. It's what they would've wanted...

--------------------------------------------------

"Bubblegum Cookie? Are you okay?" GingerBrave called.

They'd been stuck in that headspace... again.

"Sorry, kid... I'm fine." They then look over, and realizes that it's not just their duty kid who's worried, as who could have guessed, but him, too.

"Are you alright? You seemed to be spacing out..."

"Huh? Oh, uh... I'm fine." They aren't.

"Oh, well if that’s the case, then I won’t pry any longer, but if you need some help, here.” He then hands them a stress toy. “It’s for whenever something troubles you so much that you need to feel like you’re still here, or for relieving some stress.”

Espresso suddenly looked dumbfounded, and asked, “I pray to the Divine Light that that is not what you mean...” Clotted Cream responds with a simple chuckle and a headshake, which leaves Bubs chuckling along with him.

“... Thanks...” They’ve never not been pried on while having a panicked breakdown, nor were they given something to relieve from the panic... It was so nice...

“Well, it seems our conversation is over now. Let us rest, for tomorrow is a new beginning...” Everyone says their goodbyes, Clotted Cream gives Bubblegum a pat on the back, and a kind smile, making sure to them that everything will be okay. They feel butterflies long dead start fluttering once more, and they stare at him, dumbfounded that this one cookie somehow has only proven her suspicion wrong over and over again...

They’re hoping that that will continue to happen over and over again.

When everyone leaves, and GingerBrave and Bubs are back in their room at the Inn, they watch as Brave goes to rest after such a long day, and wonders if there’s a good way to just make sure other than just approaching him and getting the information out of him... Though now, they don’t seem to be as panicked as before... but it’s just to be sure.

‘Okay, tonight would be a good night for that... good thing I packed this...’

[letterstodw]

18 February, 2023 (1:58 am)

Hey De,

You must be thinking why I’m back so soon this time. Well honestly, I don’t even know why. I do but…it’s hard to say it. It is because I didn’t say everything I wanted to say last time. Because even though it’s you I’m talking to, it’s still hard to accept some of things I’ve been feeling and going through, and that I needed to make sense of it all on my own before I talked to you about it.

But yeah I’ve figured it out.

So here’s what happened. There was this person, let’s call them H. We talked a lot and became friends. Talked for hours each day. They made me laugh until I couldn’t breathe and I hope I did the same for them. At least that’s what they told me. I looked forward to their reaction on most things because as I said, they made me laugh. I thoughts of them as an elder sibling I could go for advice and have fun with.

They told me about their struggles, and I advised them on how to make it better as much as I could. Cause I’m a problem solver. I can’t see people I love in pain or worried, so I can find ways to make it go away. Because if I can’t provide solutions then it just makes me feel useless. I know that’s stupid but it’s who I am.

And silly me thinking they’d do the same for me, I told them about my struggles. My depression may have been bad. And maybe they didn’t like my cynical, negative, aggressive, and violent views towards the world and people who wronged me. Maybe I crossed a line a few times with a few of my questions which I asked without thinking much of them, which H found offensive. But they never said so.

What they did say though, was that my views on the world and my depression and that I was angry with people that hurt me, put a damper on their mood. So I should stop saying things like that. That’s what they said.

A few days after that, I ran. I haven’t talked to anybody in months.

I don’t know why this whole thing has been so hard for me to shake. Maybe cause it’s the third time this is happening. Someone asking me to stop talking to them cause my problems are too much.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this. I’ve been nothing but kind. People are happy as long as they can come to me with their problems but as soon as I start talking about mine, they ask me to stop.

I know that I’m not the most easy person to be with, no matter if it’s friends or a relationship or siblings. I know I can be a burden sometimes. But I like to think that my actions make up for it. I go out of my way to do things to put a smile on others people’s faces. I pray for them. I worry about them. I love them.

But I guess it’s not enough.

And since this isn’t the first time something like this has happened, I usually brushed it off, thinking that this whole thing showed a lot about how shitty the other person was and how not shitty I was.

But this time a just can’t seem to shake it off.

This person has stolen a part of me and I can’t get it back. I don’t know how to get it back. I can’t talk to all my other friends, because I’m scared that they’ll also deem me not good enough. Or the moment I tell them my problems it’ll be the same reaction.

I just hope somebody would realise that yeah maybe I’m difficult to deal with at times, I do make up for it with my actions. That if I put a damper on your mood then I also made you laugh a million times.

I wish you were here to tell me what to do.

Or just simply give me a hug.

I love you.

Yours, S.

[survivorraccooncity2]

Episode 3: "if not I’m 15% screwed" ~ MJ

LINKS:

Twist: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/survivorraccooncity2/686440210283839488?source=share

Challenge: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/survivorraccooncity2/686440280307679232?source=share

Results: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/survivorraccooncity2/686530464076496896?source=share

Tribal Council: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/survivorraccooncity2/686621743673147392?source=share

~

CONFESSIONALS:

Adeline

Els and i are pooled coins, and bought a heart key which lets us (me since i have it) know about every active alliance that the player of our choice is in. Useful for merge, not really now. Dom and Ariel recruited me for an alliance. I don’t trust Ariel but I’ll work with him lol 

Julia

How do you dread and hope to be voted at the same time? Voted out: you get time freed up, you go back to your life. Not voted out: 'Wow, guess they all dont hate me after all.' Oh no - whats next. Frankly, i was very surprised at the 1 vote for Tony! 2 people didnt show - was it one of them? Or was it one of the tiny little faces sitting in front of me? The tribe has been tip toeing around, nobody saying much - so I thot it was me going home for real and to take the stress off, i focused on my upcoming move and ttied to look at the positives. But now another twister challenge... well even tho i didnt win any challenge, i got some booze

Evangelina

https://youtu.be/ZNmAomxLGYI

DJ

From what I've gathered from talking to a couple of people, the majority of people seem to be leaning towards choosing ally. It is a safe choice and the likely outcome will be a joint tribal Council. I hope there are people who have made more enemies than I have. Haha I am not aware of any enemies if I have actually made any. 

Zukiswa

Nooooo guys this was a hard challenge! You're doomed if you do and you're doomed if your not. I'm very careful not to burn any bridges here and I'm praying I won't have to. Mt trio is not very convincing that they'll vote Ally. I don't want to go to tribal, but I may find myself there this time.

Navi

So the last tribal council ending up being pretty straight forward, but now this round is a lot more complicated and I’m not gonna lie, haven’t completely grasped it yet 👀. So I get put into a trio with Ava and Jinx. MJ immediately tells me that her and Ava are close, and I’m like “hmmm interesting”. She is very clearly wanting to save them this round. She also mentioned that she’s gonna send me to the summit and that I’m safe regardless, so that’s cool. She lays out a plan where Ava and I vote Ally, and I just say sure because that’s what you’re suppose to say. I also just submitted ally as a place keeper in case I was too busy to submit later or if the others were busy to talk game today. Chatting with my fellow tribe mates, Cliftone is voting ally since he thinks the other two in his trio are gonna vote betray, Tony was saying that the Tricell tribe should all vote betray, and Els and I are voting betray. And I haven’t heard back from Julia today but I’m sure she’s living her best life right now we stan 🙌🏽 That decision came easy to me since Jinx said that they were considering letting Ava and I vote betray and then send them to tribal council. Ava seemed to be in agreement when we were chatting one-on-one but didn’t confirm the plan with me. I’m assuming Ava told MJ this since they’re close, and now MJ is trying to convince me to switch back to ally and I feel very micromanaged right now lol. And of course Ava is not responding when I asked for confirmation so I guess we’re just gonna be in limbo lmao So I dunno what I’m gonna do. I’m honestly not the most invested in this round tbh, but whatever I’ll figure something out. 

MJ

Omg! A lot has been going on. I’ll have to break it down. 1. Ava asked that can they work with me, she trusts me and she will like to work with me. We’re thinking of forming an alliance with Clefford. It’s all good for me if we have Ava in our numbers. I carried Zuki along because she’s my strongest ally. 2. I got to sit out at the next challenge and it’s been a roller coster ride. It’s an opportunity to work with my non-tribal Allies (Navi and Ariel) and that’s what I did exactly. 3. Ariel is in a trio with Clefford and Els and I love Clefford a lot to not save him lol. So I’m picking Ariel for summit and I told him he has to play in favor of Clefford. Ariel plays ally, Clefford plays betray. Whatever Els plays , Clefford isn’t going to tribal. Els looks genuine and I can sense she trust me . She also trust Clefford so we are hoping to work with her after the merge. She came to me that she was confused on what to do and I told that only one thing “you can totally trust Clefford, do what he says (for this challenge)” that way either she plays ally or betray , Clefford either sends Ariel to tribal who is already immune or Ariel technically goes to tribal (immune still) that way, Els trusts us better and we got the number going 4. Navi is in a trio with Ava and jinx. Perfect timing to get Ava to trust me more and more and more LOL. I told Navi I’m picking her for summit and she’s happy but she has to play what I instruct in order to save Ava. This time I want them to send jinx to tribal becuse more people need to go to tribal else everyone may end up in tribal LOL We agreed Navi ally, Ava betrays and jinx does whatever she wants (that way they don’t make an enemy) Navi is obviously safe. Does it make sense for me to immune a safe person without looking ridiculous? I’m still trying to make Ava and Navi see this. We have few minutes left to decide. I would prefer Ava only betray and she sends them both to tribal then it looks like I’m saving someone who is obviously down just like Ariel. I hope they see it this way and decide fast. Lastly, oh my Zuki 😭 I feel so bad I can’t help her. I never spoke to Dominique or Tony so I can’t pick them for summit (atleast not yet) which leaves my Zukiswa vulnerable. At this point I only hope she doesn’t end in tribal. I feel whoever goes to tribal tonight, the target would be on any umbrella member because only we have our numbers complete . I wish no umbrella member goes to tribal Hahaha . 

Navi

Okay so I switched back to Ally since I don’t have the energy to have a back and forth on this whole thing with MJ, like she is taking this shit seriously lmao. Plus voting ally had been my original plan prior to talking to everyone so I guess it worked out? As I mentioned earlier, MJ did come across as micromanage-y, but I’m cool with letting her think she controls me. I’m not telling her squat about my allies in this game like she has with Ava. I’m keep that close to the vest for now. I’m still totally cool working with her, but this has given me perspective as to how to navigate the mid to late stage of the merge should be both be there. I let Els know since they’re my closest ally that I switched to ally, so there’s that. Whatever I’m going on that summit trip, skippin tribal, and gettin dat coin so who careeeesss 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳 I’m also running on very low sleep since I had to work till midnight last night and was up by 5 this morning so that’s probably affecting my judgement but oh well!

Navi

So that happened lol Whatever, I’m safe, Ava has heat on them, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re pissed at MJ right now. Now to figure out how to divide these coins up…

Adeline

Joint tribal joint tribal joint tribal. Haus of K-yas has been formed (Hunter, Els, and i) Hunter seems so disconnected from the others so he’s perfect for Els and i <3 Joint tribal is a slay as long as i don’t go home 

Julia

Oh man this is gettin real messy. One of the members felt betrayed in this last challenge and Im all in my feelings about that. Poor kid... Im so glad im in the game. But, I am also glad i could tell myself it doesnt really matter, so I could ward off my 'hurt' cuz certain kids didnt wanna play nice with me and my secret alliance was not there for me when i was gettin paranoid before first tribal. But its all good. I didnt reach 67 years of age for nothin... my spidey sense gave me guidance and i snaked thru. Now its tribal #3 and we're all in it! OMG! Dont know what to expect. What will the challenge be? Well, if its too hard, too many of us will fall and that wouldnt be good for the game, now would it? Maybe, we'll be secretly pitted against each other and if thats the case, I know who I wont turn on... now what were their names 😳

Clefford

I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. If I get voted out, I deserve it. Forgive me. 

Ariel

This round is chaotic AF. Chaotic twist brings chaos. And I kind of love it??? HAHAHAHAHA well it's because I am safe. Or am i? I swear if there is another twist this round that will make one of us summit people sent home, I swear this season is just a huge chaos in hell. For now though, I am looking good as the only one who ally on our trio and Els and Clefford betrayed. To be fair I only played ally cause I already know MJ is picking me to go to summit with her and Navi. Lol. I kind of look like a wet baby chick who is save by its mother hen. Thank you, MJ. See what making connections to other tribes brings. I really love our M. A. N alliance with Navi and Mj. I am just scared that people might start to notice the 3 of us has an alliance. I know Clefford already knows. The whole umbrella tribe probably already knows. So, I am not sure if I should fully trust MJ. I think MJ's loyalty still falls on her tribe and not on our alliance. I have to watch out for that. I have a one on one alliance with Clefford, I hope people don't notice that. I just have to remind Clefford to keep our alliance low key. He kinda was hectic this round. I hope he can recover from that. Now that I am safe though, I want to protect my tribe in anyway I could. It seems like the vote is going to Tony. Which I am fine, but I would have love it more if the votes goes to someone from the Umbrella tribe cause they are staying strong as hell. Which clearly does not look good for the other two tribes unless the other 2 tribes decides to work together. Right now though, I might just have to stay low. It is not time to come out of my comfort zone yet, I think I am safe as long as I keep stay low. Ok. This confessional sounds like a mess cause I am typing it on my phone. And I don't know, forgive my typos. Anyway. Bye amping.

Cliftone

Had high hopes to not be heading to Tribal but man THREE IN A ROW for us here at Tricell. We are wayyy overdue for a break 😂 With the way things are looking, the entire tribe SHOULD be able to escape this Tribal unharmed. Pray for us!

Tony

This round was a whirlwind shitshow. I was very much inclined to be ally. I was going to set it and forget it. But then there was some bs about chat in Umbrella maybe going to vote Betray, so I didn't think I should trust Zukiswa. Then Els is talking about getting everyone in Tricell to go Betray, to keep our asses out of tribal for a third time in a row. Had everyone on board - except Julia - who I wanted to protect from retribution, and honestly, I loved their whole trio. Anyway, Navi and Cleftone go Ally at the end for reasons of their own, and I'm looking at a lot of pissed off people. Womp womp.

Ava

https://youtu.be/5t-m334iYBc Update: Tony is not going to try and connive. Just going to vote with his tribe and ally's. I hopefully will be safe. I will miss Tony if he goes. Sort of wish it was me. 

Tony

Fully expect to be out this week. I am frankly surprised that I made it this far, all things considered. Frankly, I would have been happier to have gone out on the merits of my performance - such as they were, than under my terrible decision to betray. It didn't help that I was called out by name in One World chat, but that's the way it goes. It will be good to have my life back.

DJ

I heard Evangelina is gunning for me. I am going to try my best to not get voted out. I have to make more effort to talk to more people because the reason I am getting targeted seems to be because I haven't had a chat with Evangelina. I tried to chat with Tony two days ago and I got no reply. I am making effort, but I am trying to connect with a manageable number of people at a time. I thought talking to too many people might create trouble for me. This joint tribal council is really putting me in danger. I hope I survive.

Dom

This week's twist was ridiculous-ly AMAZING. That is definitely what this game is about. It reveals so much about others. Currently I have a 3 person alliance and after this vote will 100 know I can trust them without wavering. I've made friends in other tribes and think this could be used to my advantage later on. If I'm not voted out tonight, then I think I have set myself up well. 

Navi

So both Jinx and I were surprised by Ava’s vote. We both assumed they would also go ally, albeit for different reasons. Turns out MJ had Ava vote betray to send Jinx to tribal, which ended up blowing back on them in the One World chat. Jinx has told me that they also found out that Ava and MJ’s tribe made the plan but the misunderstanding about their initial message to us was still correct (at least on my end). Jinx doesn’t seem made at me though so that’s a plus. I hope this means we can use this bond to potentially work together later on down the line. I’m totally cool with MJ taking the lead at this point since this will eventually get back to everyone else, and when it comes to crunch time at some point in the merge, I can use the info I got this round to potentially get MJ out if she’s a big threat to win at the end. If she’s not, maybe I would consider taking to her to the end. She seems very committed to wanting to work with myself and Ariel, so I want to keep her for now. Plus it’s still very early and a lot of game still needs to be played, so I’m cool either way. Now the vote is gonna be between Ava and Tony. MJ is going hard to save Ava, so it’s possible we may lose Tony this round. I tried letting both Ava and MJ know that Tony doesn’t want Ava to go, but MJ kinda shut that down so so much for that lol. I don’t have a vote but I’m also safe. However I don’t want to over extend myself too much to where I’m targeted the next tribal. I’m honestly more concerned about the post tribal thing that the summit leaders have to attend. I don’t like this one bit. As for the summit coin distribution, I have a given a coin each to Julia, Cliftone, and Els since I vibe with all three. I’ve been admittedly busy with work so it’s been tough trying to stay in the mix, but I’m doing the best I can!

Els

Hey confession!! Sorry I don’t have much to say this round, there’s so much going on it’s just hard to collect all my thoughts. I definitely see myself working with clefford and MJ and I think that there is a future alliance brewing there, it looks like Tony is gonna go home and I’m also calling a swap of some kind!

MJ

What’s happening Is like an official welcome to survivor! Everyone is going to tribal except the summit! I don’t even know how I feel. I just have headaches and I can’t wait to end this round. Plus I hope Tony Goes, if not I’m 15% screwed lol. I5% isn’t a bad thing though hahahah

Jinx

i was emo last night but this morning im back and ready to run this bitch

Cliftone

Twas the night before tribal and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m not too worried about the vote. Everything should work out the right way the way. Best of luck to my Tribemates. I really hope everything goes smoothly and we all get through untouched especially Tony.

Hunter

So basically being more active here. Im kinda realizing I dont belong. i feel like im pissing off people and i dont mean to ever. I think tony is going home basically so hopefully he does and its not me 

Jinx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gU2epwwkDn4

~

ROUND NOTES:

Dominique starts an alliance with Adeline and Ariel

Julia posts a confessional in the One World Chat

Clefford tells his tribe (Umbrella) that they should all “Betray.” Furthermore, he thinks they should all trick their trios to “Ally” so that everyone in Umbrella is immune (despite not trusting half of them).

Evangelina is staying true to her moral compass and wants to “Ally,” in spite of Clefford’s plan

Hunter, Els, and Adeline started an alliance (House of K-yas)

Zukiswa works very hard to convince her trio to “Ally.” The betrayal will be intense.

No one listens to Clefford. They will all go to tribal council as a result.

Els convinces Tony to switch his vote to “Betray.” They try to convince Navi next

Jinx calls out Ava for betraying

Els, Adeline, and Hunter discussed targeting Ava with Jinx

Ariel, Adeline, and Dominique discuss wanting to target Tony

Clefford  and Zukiswa want to target from BSAA, but MJ wants to target Hunter for throwing Ava under the bus.

Clefford’s name is going around, so MJ, Zuki, and Clefford are trying to do damage control. They throw out Tony’s name as a way to get the heat off Clefford. They are unsure if they have the connections to make that vote work

The names going around right now are Clefford, Tony, Ava, and Jinx

Clefford tells MJ and Zukiswa about his Extortion Advantage

Evagelina expresses concern about voting Tony, bringing up that they are IRL friends. MJ says that the Umbrella tribe needs to vote Tony because, otherwise, Ava wil leave

Evagelina tells her tribe that  she is voting for DJ. MJ wants the tribe to vote together. The Umbrella tribe is a mess.

Adeline spread the Tony lie about him deceiving people. Adeline is trying to get people to vote out Tony

Jinx tells their tribe that people from the other tribe were PLANNING to betray from the get-go, pointing out that Ava was lying when they said they had “misunderstood” Jinx

Julia and Jinx bond closely. Jinx is now ride-or-die with Julia

MJ has given Evangelina, Ava, Clefford, and Zukiswa one coin each. Navi has given Els, Cliftone, and Julia one coin each. Ariel gave Adeline, Jinx, and Dominique one coin each

Evangelina bought a Summit Revealer

Cliftone tells Els and Navi in their alliance chat that he is voting for Ava because he wants to be tribe strong and thinks they’re shady

MJ thinks that the decision she will make will be a schoolyard pick. Clifford tells her to separate Ava and Els, and Jinx and Evangelina

~

EDGIC:

Clefford: OTTM5 Ariel: UTRP3 Dominique: UTRP3 MJ: UTRE2 Zukiswa: MORP3 Ava: CPN4 Julia: MORP3 Adeline: UTRM2 Els: UTRE2 DJ: UTRM2 Cliftone: UTRE2 Evangelina: MORN3 Navi: UTRP3 Jinx: CPM5 Hunter: UTRP3 Tony: MORN3

Raffy’s Winner Picks:

Adeline Jinx Els Ava

Amy’s Winner Picks:

Adeline Jinx Ariel Els

~

POWER RANKINGS:

Umbrella:

1. MJ 2. Clefford 3. Zukiswa 4. Ava 5. Hunter 6. Evangelina

Tricell:

1. Julia 2. Els 3. Navi 4. Cliftone 5. Tony

BSAA:

1. Adeline 2. Jinx 3. Ariel 4. Dom 5. DJ

[switchywitchy]

7 years ago today, I got married.

A lot has happened since then, and I’m having a lot of feelings lately (but especially today) that I’m not sure how to work though. So, I guess when in doubt, get the words out of your head- make them real- and maybe they’ll start to make more sense.

Let’s flash back further than 7 years ago- let’s flash back over 20 years ago, to when my mom divorced my dad. Back then, and in the years that followed, my mom would swing between extremes; she either waxed on about how the love of her life “died in the desert” (my dad was in Desert Storm and suffered a tremendous amount of PTSD), and that the man she divorced wasn’t the man she fell in love with, or she would spit at the sound of his name and tell us what a terrible father and person he is- and how lucky we are to be with her instead.

As the years passed, she was married and divorced three more times. Including her marriage prior to my dad, she has been married and divorced an impressive five times.

I remember being a 10,12,16 year old child thinking “I’ll only ever get married once. So if I want to get married, I have to be sure I can be with that person forever.” (Thankfully, this way of thinking turned out to be temporary.)

But I digress- this isn’t about my mother, or how her selfishness, narcissism, and outright abuse helped shape my development.

In 2015 I quit my job in Florida and moved to D.C., where I planned on starting a life and career for myself outside the reach of my mother, and my ex “C” who had an annoying habit of finding me no matter where I seemed to go). I was there for two months and was barely scraping by with my new job, I didn’t have any friends, and in a desperate attempt to make some I tried searching for human connection through an app.

That ended up being a terrible idea, when I was assaulted by one of the very people I wanted to make friends with.

I was ready to leave, even if it meant going back to my mother. Instead, the weekend before I was set to move, I met “J” and found someone who was kind, thoughtful, handsome- he made me feel safe. And I threw myself wholly into becoming part of his narrative, not caring what parts of me where overshadowed and left to wither.

I knew him for four months before I decided to move to Ohio with him.

His family- while surprised- welcomed me with open arms and did their best to make me feel loved and like I belonged there. They constantly said how great I was for J, and how blessed they were to have me in the family.

J and I got an apartment together, then two cats. When he proposed in December of 2015 I said yes- completely ignoring all the red flags to that point. We had fought before about him feeling insecure with how many sexual partners I’d had, that I wasn’t Christian (though I did attend church with him), that I was taking anti-depressants when instead I should let the congregation pray over me to exorcise the demon of depression. He hated the fact that I’m attracted to all genders, not just men.

In 2016 we got married anyway. I look back on my wedding photos and see how happy I look, and I remember how happy I felt to be surrounded by my family and friends, and to be starting a new chapter of my life.

He got me a little white schnauzer as a wedding gift. Luna. I had to leave her and her brother, Merlin, in Ohio when I left; something I haven’t truly come to terms with (if the overwhelming knot in my throat and the hot tears stinging my eyes are any indication).

Donald Trump became president that year, and J dove hard into the MAGA life. He drank more- going through an entire bottle of moonshine a night. He watched Fox News at all hours of the day, and when he wasn’t watching it he was listening to the hosts podcasts and YouTube channels. His behavior turned more and more aggressive, and I drifted further and further away into myself while trying to pretend like everything was fine.

As the presidency progressed, so did J’s paranoia. His behavior escalated and I got more and more lost.

He started demanding sex and acting in ways that triggered my trauma responses. He actively dismissed my feelings and requests to go to therapy. In his words- if we weren’t going to church to seek help through God, we weren’t going to therapy.

In 2019 I was jobless, and was drinking a handle of whiskey every three days just to cope. That year, my youngest sibling committed suicide, and then my grandfather passed away. Things got worse.

Enter the pandemic. Being locked in with him during quarantine gave me lots of time to think. I had completely lost sight of myself. I was depressed, miserable, suffering internally feeling alone and isolated from my family, my friends, my life. I decided I had to get out. I stopped drinking and started applying for jobs.

I got a job May 23, 2021, two days after my 5 year anniversary. The weekend of our anniversary I spend the last of my savings on a “Save-Our-Marriage” weekend getaway, where I earnestly tried to reconnect and get him to try and understand my feelings- ultimately I was unsuccessful and the weekend was awful.

I told J I wanted a separation. He begged me to stay, and ended up agreeing to therapy (as long as I paid for it) as a last-ditch attempt to keep our marriage intact.

I tried, friends. I really did. Did I think it would work, honestly? No I didn’t think it would. I had mostly made up my mind, but I couldn’t in good conscience leave without trying one more time.

I searched and found a therapist that specialized in couples, had an extensive history with trauma patients, and who (as a bonus for J) was very faith-centered. Eight months of therapy left us no closer to reconciling- if anything he was angrier than before and was trying desperately to get any sort of rise from me even if it was negative.

I rented a POD, made the plans to stay with a friend, and told J the time had come and I was leaving. I packed myself and the cats, and left.

I ended up staying with a friend and her husband for four months (which ultimately turned out to be a mistake, but that’s a story for another day). In those four months, J blew my phone up every day with calls and texts, first begging me to come back then cursing me for leaving. He tried to manipulate me, destroyed my personal property, and held a family heirloom “hostage”. We filed for divorce, which was granted last August.

Now, it’s the day that would have been my 7th marriage anniversary, and here I am, divorced. I’m not upset about being divorced, but I am feeling melancholy about what could have been? I dunno, friends. My life has changed so much, and I do feel more like myself. I don’t feel lost anymore (well, I do a little, but I think everyone feels that way), but I still feel like things are unresolved.

I need to learn from this and move forward. But what is the lesson to be learned here? To not lose sight of yourself? To learn which situations to avoid to protect myself? That we have to leave important things behind in order to be happy?

I don’t know anymore.

I’m sure this feeling will pass, but for now I’m trying to sit with these feelings and make space for them, instead of burying or running from them.

I’m gonna splurge on a burger, put on Treasure Planet, and make smoke. Things will get better, and they won’t stay like this forever. Sorry for the long post, and if you stuck around and read this much, thank you- it makes me feel a little less alone.

-Switchy

[lionguarded]

❝  if you keep waiting until you’re done ‘working on yourself’ before you let yourself be with the person you love,  you’re never gonna be with them.  and they’ll find someone else who is brave enough to give them a chance to love them exactly how they already are.  ❞ Oberyn casually muses as he continues embroidering a new piece.

@ofwings-andclaws

"......thanks, oberyn. seriously, that's fan-fuckin'-tastic advice."

...

...

...

silence stretched between them, the fae's words fueling a fire that'd been trying to set itself ablaze within him for a long, long time. every day with dante felt like it potentially was the last - like he'd run off to find someone else, someone more fitting - someone better, which - in all honestly wasn't going to be a very difficult challenge. silas was far from perfect, he was far from being good - far from being what a partner deserved, but he usually brushed it off by telling himself that dante, too, had his flaws & not too few of them.

but still & there was no denying that even for silas ... there would be the day dante grew tired of him, tired of pouring effort into a potentially lost cause, into someone who flinched at the sheer idea of touch - or spiraled down anxiety holes out of nowhere because of a voice that sounded a lot like sindra, or a scent reaching his nose that reminded him of the mansion. it was little things, mostly. but some days those were enough to set him off.

dante dealt with him expertly, but ... that was the fuckin' point, right? he dealt with him. it was... not fair & silas knew it. dante pushed & pushed, but silas .. he shut them down when he shouldn't, out of fear. it wasn't even that he had proper reason, it was just plain old fear. fear of getting hurt, fear of believing someone like dante could truthfully want him, fear of finding out he wasn't as special as dante made him believe he was & the fear of walking into a trap. nobody would plan a year-long capture trap for someone like fuckin' silas, but still.

...they’ll find someone else...

back to being afraid of not being good enough - because he never had been, had he? never. not for his sire - whom he never met, he'd been shunned before he was even fuckin' born, not for his mother - the day he presented omega, she wrote him off, one more child lost to the cruel fate society had in store for them, not for sindra - the tyrant to rule his life & make his every day a never-ending misery, not for his kids - because he knew he made mistakes. he wasn't the parent they deserved. how could he be enough this time? or ever. the concept so strange to him he couldn't even bear the thought of delving into the how, or why.

the person you love...

did he though? dante....had said it.... silas ran. tail tucked between his legs like he was a mutt. had fled to protect the inside of his fragile heart, terrified of finding the pins & needles holding it together taken from him - leaving him bleeding pain & praying for mother nature to take his life swiftly once again. she'd never answered his prayers, never bothered with a reply. life without dante in it unthinkable, like asking a fish to breathe on land, like ash & pikachu going separate ways - yes, he blamed sammy for watching kids tv.

he couldn't imagine life without his alpha in it, not anymore - truth be told, he knew he couldn't by the time he offered his neck. he'd never offered it willingly before. nor had he offered himself willingly. not once had he considered to do so, not... until dante.

"....i think...i do love him. i guess." he did, of course he did. he'd already fuckin' been in love with that fuckin' dumbass when he found him injured in the infirmary, had only fallen harder for him after that, but ...hopelessly in love.. he'd known he was when he found dante again in new haven, with his child. there'd been no escaping him anymore. he didn't want to. "it ain't... that easy. you know'm. he finds some other tail he fancies, what about me?" that's what it all boiled down to, wasn't it?

"i... already can't breathe when he ain't around. how am i gonna breathe when he breaks my heart?”

[lesfeldickbiblestudy]

  Through the Bible with Les Feldick LESSON 2 * PART 4 * BOOK 69 KINSMAN REDEEMER – PART 4 Revelation 5; Ruth; I Corinthians 15: 1-4 Okay, once again we want to let our television audience know how much we appreciate especially your prayers on our behalf as well as on our daughter’s.  My, she stays in such a good mood. When strangers come in, they can’t figure out how she could be so upbeat. Her answer constantly is – I’ve got a million people praying for me.  We appreciate so much that you keep praying for her as well for us.  And for your financial help as well. We thank you for every dollar that comes in.  I don’t care if it’s a single dollar bill. We thank the Lord for it. Okay, we’re going to take this half hour, which sort of came up with not enough time to go into a whole new field of study. We’re still in book 69. We’ve got to be aware of that and try to keep our subject matter as much as we can within a certain book.  So, we’re going to look at the plan of salvation that I feel is so often totally misunderstood.  It’s so misrepresented. There are precious few people anymore that are actually proclaiming the Gospel by which we are saved. Now what made me think of it?  I had a gentleman call not too long ago, who came out of one of the big denominations. He came to know the Lord through our program and got a love for the Word.  He called one day and he said, “Les, I went back to my old denominational church and I asked my people that I’d grown up with, “Tell me. What is the Gospel?”  He said, “They looked at me with a blank stare and then finally somebody said, well, the Bible.”   The Bible?  Well, yes, the Bible contains the Gospel, but that’s not the Gospel. Then others said, “Well, you’ve got to be baptized and join the church.”  No, that’s not the Gospel.  We hear it from various areas of the world and the country that people just do not really know what the Gospel is.  Unbelievable!  As I’ve said over and over, here in I Corinthians 15 where we’re going to look now for a moment is the most clearly defined statement of the Gospel in the Bible, and nobody uses it.  I shouldn’t say nobody, but few.  They’ll use everything and anything but.  That’s why I thought, well, maybe this half-hour came up the way it did for a Divine purpose, like we saw in the Book of Ruth.  Everything is by Divine purpose. All right, let’s start in I Corinthians 15 verse 1. It turns out to be the great resurrection chapter. Here’s the way it starts in verse 1. I Corinthians 15:1a “Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel….” Now what does that mean?  How many are there?  One!  That’s what I want you to see.  It’s not “a” (one of many), but rather there is only one. Now, just because I teach two Gospels for a little while back in the Book of Acts, when God was still dealing with Israel, people have got the crazy, misconstrued notion that I proclaim two Gospels today.  No!  Never!  Yes, there were two Gospels for a little while when God was transitioning from Israel to the Gospel of Grace.  Peter preached to Israel a Gospel of the Kingdom based on who Jesus was. Then when Paul was chosen by God to go to the Gentiles and has the revelations that we’re going to see in these next few moments, we have the Gospel of the Grace of God. The Kingdom Gospel dropped away because Israel rejected it. By the time we get to the end of Acts, it is Paul’s Gospel or nothing!  And as I’m going to hopefully show in a minute or two, what did Peter write at the end of his life as the Kingdom Gospel, the Jewish program, has fallen through the cracks.  It has ended. What does Peter say?  You go to Paul’s epistles!  That’s what he says to Israel. That’s the only Gospel. Absolutely, it’s the only Gospel.  So, I’ve been totally maligned. I’ve been maligned because I proclaim two--in fact somebody sent me a tape of their preacher.  My!  He said, “Don’t you ever listen to Les Feldick. He preaches two gospels.”  Well, I guess when you’re in my shoes; you’ve got to expect those kinds of things.

But I’m going to make it clear here today.  No, there is only one Gospel, and here it is! I Corinthians 15:1 “Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, (that is from the Apostle Paul, in person as well as in print) and wherein ye stand;” (That is positionally.  Unmovable.  Now verse two.  Oh, I love this statement, Beloved.  Don’t ever shrink from showing people.) I Corinthians 15:2a By which (THIS Gospel) also ye are saved,…” Now you can’t get it any plainer than that.  It’s by this Gospel that you are saved.  But there’s some requirement.  You have to understand what you believe.  It can’t just be head knowledge.  It has to be a heart thing, that with all our heart we have believed this Gospel.  All right, verse 3 and here it is. I Corinthians 15:3 “For I delivered unto you first of all…”  Who? Peter?  No, not Peter.  Jesus?  No, not Jesus. Rather it was the Apostle Paul who delivered the Gospel of Grace first.   Once in a while somebody will get on my case and say, you make too much of Paul.  How can I? The Lord Himself designated him as the Apostle of the Gentiles. (Romans 11:13)  The Lord Himself revealed these things to this apostle. That’s why, like I repeated, Peter sends everybody back to Paul. That’s where people have to be.  And, oh, most people don’t like that.  Don’t think I don’t know it.   They don’t like Paul’s Gospel.  They don’t like Paul’s epistles.  We hear it over and over. Someone will say, “Well, it shouldn’t even be in our Bible.”  Well, that’s not what Peter said.  Peter said that Paul’s epistles are what?  Scripture!  And if it’s Scripture, it is the divinely inspired Word of God, Beloved.   All right, now look what he says. I Corinthians 15:3-4 “For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; 4. And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:” Now, there are some things in there that we have as what I call a given.  Things you should know before you even read. What is it?  That Christ was the Eternal Creator, Son of God.  He was totally God.  It was only as God that He could forgive and take on Himself the sins of the world. All right, that’s a given.  Paul didn’t put it in here, but it’s in all the rest of his Scriptures.  The second one is that He shed His blood.  That’s not in here.  I know it isn’t.  But it’s in all the rest of his verses on salvation. How we’ve been redeemed, we’ll look at it in a minute, by His blood. All right, you put all that together: that we have God the Son who died, shed His blood, was buried for three days and three nights to prove that He was really dead, and then He arose from the dead.  Now listen, you’ve got to take the whole package or you’re still destitute of salvation. I had a letter the other day, “Les, you make too much of the resurrection. It’s not that important.  The only thing that’s important is that we believe that Christ died for us.”  Well, do you know what I wrote to the gentleman?  I said please read I Corinthians 15 twice a day for the next three weeks and then write or call me if you’re still disagreeing.  Because what does Paul say a little later in this chapter?  “If Christ be not risen from the dead, then you are yet in your sin.”  Absolutely, that resurrection is paramount! I had a gentleman years ago; he shared this with Iris and me across a breakfast table. He said, “Les, for years I believed that Christ died the death of the cross.  I had no problem with that. But with my intellect and with my scientific background (he said) I couldn’t believe He rose from the dead.”   He said, “I was nothing but a dead church member.  And then all of a sudden the Lord opened my eyes to the power of the resurrection and it changed my life.”  Of course it does! All right, we have to take the whole three points of the Gospel – that Christ died, He was buried, and He rose from the dead.

All right, I’ve been making reference to Peter.  I guess maybe before I run out of time I better go back and use it.  Come back with me to II Peter. We use it over and over and over, but some of these I don’t think I can run into the ground. They are paramount to answering my accusers, if I may call them that.  But look what Peter says here in plain English.  Now, he didn’t say it in English, but our Book is telling us in English!  Look at this carefully. II Peter 3:15a “And account (or understand) that the longsuffering (the patience) of our Lord is salvation;…” Oh, He’s not willing that any should perish. That’s why His Grace is without end.  That where sin abounds, Grace does much more abound, because God wants them saved. II Peter 3:15b “…even as our beloved brother Paul…” Now stop a minute. All the way through the Book of Acts as Peter is preaching to Israel, does he ever make any reference to the Apostle Paul?  Never.  All through I Peter and these first chapters of II Peter, does he make any reference to the Apostle Paul?  Not a one.  But here he is at the end of what he will now be writing in finality.  He’s soon going to be martyred.  He says, “Even as our beloved brother Paul.” II Peter 3:15b-16a “…even as our beloved brother Paul also according to the wisdom given unto him has written unto you; (Here comes a reference to the written Word.) 16. As also in all his epistles,…”  I think the top verse is referring to Hebrews. That’s my personal opinion. I don’t know of anything else that Paul ever wrote to the Jewish people, but I think he wrote the Book of Hebrews based on this verse.  But it isn’t just Hebrews, it’s all his epistles! II Peter 3:16b “…speaking in them of these things; (pertaining to salvation) in which (In Paul’s epistles - in the mind of Peter, a good legalistic Jew) are some things hard to be understood, which they who are unlearned and unstable twist, as they do also the other scriptures,…”  What does that tell you?  Paul’s epistles are Scripture just as much as the first five books of Moses, just as much as the prophets or the Psalms or the four Gospels. Paul’s epistles are the Word of God.  They’re Scripture, and we’d better believe it.  That’s why Peter was inspired to write this.  But look what many of them do. II Peter 3:16c “…they twist the Scriptures, unto their own destruction.”  All right, let’s come back a minute to Romans.  I think this is a direct reference of what Peter is talking about when he speaks of the wisdom that was given to the Apostle Paul that even he did not comprehend. This is what we have to understand.  Paul was given revelations from the ascended Lord, probably in those three years out in the desert, that you will find no where else in your Bible.  It’s not in there.  It’s not back in the Old Testament.  It’s not in the Four Gospels. These are things that were only pertinent after the death, burial, and resurrection. Romans 16:25a “Now to him that is of power to establish you according to my gospel,…” What’s Paul’s Gospel?  The one we just read in I Corinthians 15:1-4.  You see that?  That’s Paul’s Gospel.  All right, reading on. Romans 16:25 “Now to him that is of power to establish you according to my gospel, and the preaching of Jesus Christ, (Not according to His earthly ministry, not according to the Old Testament prophecies but) according to the revelation (or the revealing) of the mystery, which was (past tense) kept (What?) secret since the world began,” That’s why I tell people, don’t try and find anything back there in the Old Testament pertaining to this.  Don’t look in the Gospels for anything pertaining.  It’s not back there.  They were kept secret in the mind of God until God revealed it to this apostle. That’s what Peter was making reference to.  Peter was saying that this man has things that he knew nothing of, because it was a special revelation. That’s what most of Christendom is missing. I wrote to one guy who wrote and said, “Les, I just can’t agree with you on this.

”  He gave me a whole bunch of verses.  I knew every one of them.  Not one of them was from Paul.  Not one.  You know what I wrote back?  One statement.  I said - there’s only one reason you can’t see what I’m talking about – you don’t want to.  That’s my stock answer.  If they want to they can see it.  But they don’t want to.  Why?  Because like one guy told me the other day, they have such fragile egos. They cannot, in the strength of their own ego, admit that they’ve been wrong.  But we’ve got a lot of them that do.  I’ve got one dear brother; he’ll hear me when I come on the air in Florida.  With a church full of people, as he introduced me he said, “You know, for years I couldn’t agree with Les on tithing.”  He said, “I just couldn’t.  I had to preach the tithe.”  And I didn’t know that until the fourth year in a row that I was in his church and had every service.  He never restricted me.  He never told me he had any disagreement with me. But we were having dinner after church that Sunday morning and he said, “You know Les, there is one place I can’t agree with you.”  And I said, “Well, what is it?”  He said, “I have to preach the tithe. I have to use Malachi 3.”  And I said, “Well, go ahead, but I can’t!” Well, the next year I got down there, he announced to the whole church, out of one of the major denominations now, and to the whole church he said, “Now folks, you know that for years I couldn’t agree with Les on tithing, but I’m standing here to tell you today that I was wrong.”  Now, that takes a good man.  He said, “I was wrong. Because when I would read II Corinthians 9 verse 7, one word just jumped off the page. Let every man give as God hath laid it on their heart, not grudgingly, not of necessity.” He said, “I would wake up at night and that word necessity would come to mind.”  He said, “I knew the Lord was speaking to me.  So last October I announced to my church, from now on we’re going to give according to Paul’s instructions in II Corinthians.  I’m no longer going to teach the tithe.” He said, “You know what has happened?  In six months our giving tripled.”  Tripled!    He’s going to hear this.  I know he is.  He listens to every program.  But that’s the way it is.  If they want to see it, they will.  If they don’t want to see it, they won’t. Now, I tell people that call with a problem of drugs, alcohol, homosexual, hey, I get them all.  I tell them the same thing.  If you want to get out from under your problem, you have to first want to.  Because if you don’t want to, the Lord nor anybody else can do anything for you.  But if a person wants to, then God will step in and He will do what it takes to be done. It’s the same way with understanding Paul’s principles, Paul’s theology.  If they want to, and I’ve heard this over and over, Les, I just simply made it a matter of prayer.  I just said, God, I want to understand this Bible.  I want to be able to enjoy it. Bingo, it happened.  That’s what it takes.  There has to be a desire to understand these things that are not according to tradition. They’re not according to the norm. Don’t think I don’t know that.  All right, now read verse 25, the last part of the verse once more. Romans 16:25b “…and the preaching of Jesus Christ, according to the revelation (or the revealing, the unveiling) of the mystery, (And the word mystery in plain English is secret.  Now God’s unveiling a secret--) which was kept secret since the ages began.” Let’s flip over to Galatians chapter 1. This is all by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.  This isn’t the man Paul reading his own mind.  This is Spirit inspired.  Look what he writes in Galatians 1 verse 11.  Christendom, in general, absolutely refuses to look at these things.  And I’ll repeat it.  It’s because they don’t want to see it. They want to be comfortable.  They want to be left alone and say, well, this is the way I’ve always heard it.  This is the way I’ve always learned it, and I’m not going to change.  Well, I can’t help that.

  But here it is in Galatians 1 verse 11, where Paul is writing to these Gentile groups up in Central Turkey who were being pummeled with legalism.  They were being conned to come back under circumcision and keeping the Mosaic Law.  So, he’s defending his Gospel. Galatians 1:11 “But I certify you, brethren, that the gospel which was preached of me (Paul’s Gospel) is not after man.  (It’s not a human thing.) 12. For I neither received it of man, neither was I taught it (by other men), but (here comes that same word) by the revelation of Jesus Christ.”  A revealing from heaven - after the death, burial, and resurrection has happened. Then he goes on and explains the horrors of his persecuting those Jews who had embraced Jesus of Nazareth, and how he wrecked and wasted that Jewish Church.  All right, now then, come on down to verse 15. Galatians 1:15 “But when it pleased God,…”  Now there again, just like we saw in the Book of Ruth, everything is according to what?  God’s divine purpose and old Saul of Tarsus had a Divine appointment that day on the road to Damascus.  God moved in unannounced and took him completely by surprise.  So, he says: Galatians 1:15 “But when it pleased God, (with that Divine appointment) who separated me from my mother’s womb, and called me by his grace,” Now you’ve got to remember, Saul of Tarsus was wicked.  He killed people.  He tortured.  He persecuted.  All in the name of religion.  Well, that’s nothing new is it?  You’re seeing it every day.  That’s why they do it, for their religion.  Well, Saul did too.  This is what he’s referring to. Galatians 1:16a “To reveal his Son (the crucified, resurrected Son of God) in (Whom?) me,…”  Not us - me.  That’s singular.  That’s his apostleship.  That’s his purpose, Galatians 1:16-17a To reveal his Son in me, so that I might preach him among the heathen; (or the non-Jewish world) immediately (right after that road experience out there at Damascus) I conferred not with flesh and blood: 17. Neither went I up to Jerusalem to them who were apostles before me;…”  The Twelve.  Now I’ve got to stop there. This is the way I’ve put it over and over for thirty years. He’s up in Syria in Damascus. The Twelve have spent three years with Jesus, and they’re down there at Jerusalem. What would have been the logical thing for the man to do?  Go back to Jerusalem and check in with Peter and the rest – come on, fellows – tell me.  I’ve now met the Messiah.  He saved me.  I want to work with you not against you.  Tell me everything you know. But what does God say?  No, Paul.  I don’t want you going to the Twelve.  All they’re going to do is muddy the water. I want you to come out. You’re going to get something completely new.  It’s going to be purely different, and I don’t want anybody messing with it. So, as I always put it, Jerusalem was southwest, Arabia was southeast. Which way did Paul go?  Southeast.  He went to Arabia.  I think he went to Mount Sinai in Arabia. The same place where Moses received the Law, this Apostle received these great doctrines of Grace which people today would just as soon turn their back on. They refuse to look at the man’s apostleship. Galatians 1:16b-18a “…immediately I conferred not with flesh and blood: 17. Neither went I up to Jerusalem to them who were apostles before me; but I went into Arabia, and returned again unto Damascus. 18 Then after three years…” We know that he was three years, in verse 18, in Arabia.   Then he stopped at Jerusalem, and then he went on up into his hometown of Tarsus, up there just north of Antioch. Now, in the two minutes we have left, I’d like to show you a portion of Scripture that nobody ever uses.  I’ve never seen it in print, yet.  That’s what I like to use Acts 11 verse 19.  Now, this is just after Peter has been up to the house of Cornelius.  God has miraculously proven to Peter that He’s going to save Gentiles by faith and faith alone, without baptism, without repentance.  All of a sudden Peter says – hey, wait

a minute, what’s going on?  These men are saved!  So he has to stop preaching and naturally, you know, he had to baptize them, he thought.  And that was all well and good according to the program. But now in Acts 11, after the Cornelius experience, we pick it up in verse 19.   This is several years after Pentecost. Acts 11:19 “Now they (These Jewish believers from the Jerusalem church) which were scattered abroad upon the persecution that arose about Stephen (And who was the leader of Stephen’s persecution?  Saul of Tarsus!   These people have been spread far and yon by the persecution.) traveled as far as Phenice, and Cyprus, and Antioch, (Which is up there north of present day Beirut on the western end of Syria.) preaching the word (that is the Old Testament for the Jews benefit.) to (Who?) none but Jews only.” God hadn’t been dealing with the Gentiles. That’s why He called the Apostle Paul.  That was going to be his ministry.  All right, now I’ve only got thirty seconds left. All right, now when you get home this evening, you just read.  All of a sudden we’ve got Gentiles showing an interest!  Well, whose work is that?  Well, that’s God’s work.  Now the Gentiles are showing an interest.  So, by the time that Barnabas has been sent from the Jerusalem church to check them out, Barnabas knows there’s only one man for Gentiles.  And who was that?  The Apostle Paul.  So, Barnabas goes up and finds him and brings him back to Antioch.

[stormy333]

Sober 2.0 Path to Forgiveness

Hey Loves welcome back!!! Today we are going to talk about something that has been consistent in my life recently and I even covered it in a past blog [https://thechronicalesofhails.com/blog/f/sober] 

I have been thinking a lot about this blog and how it covered the piece of the puzzle I was dealing with at the time but not the whole picture. I have been looking at the pieces I have and by pieces, I mean memories and such. So, if you haven’t read Sober I recommend checking it out I will link it below but here’s a quick recap:

There are many types of illnesses and addictions. Among them is codependency. Sober covered the questions that overwhelmed my life when my literal other half had to leave. It quoted Clean and I Almost Do by Taylor Swift. Songs that began to clear a path in my tormented heart. Clearing the way for healing to begin. Sober covered the hurt and the betrayal this, this is sober 2.0 the path to forgiveness. Shall we?

I was hurt terribly but there is this quote that says “You are responsible for how long what hurt you haunts you” this is one of the most powerful quotes and I have always known that but I didn’t KNOW that. Make sense? Then Taylor once again expressed it. In 2020 she released two albums on July 24th and December 11th,   Folklore and Evermore. Track 5 on Folklore titled My Tears Ricochet;

We collect the stones never knowing what they’ll mean

Such a powerful line so simple but so powerful. But still not all of it. The song August track 8 on Folklore…

August slipped away like a bottle of wine, cause you were never mine

It made sense but again wasn’t all of it. Then surprise Evermore released with the final bit to clearing the path. The puzzle wasn’t complete but it was like when you only have three or four pieces missing? Track 7 on Evermore titled happiness.

There’ll be happiness after you but there was happiness because of you

Tell me when did your winning smile begin to look like a smirk? When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt? I hope she’ll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you No, I didn’t mean that sorry I can’t see facts through all of my furry you haven’t met the new me yet

I can’t make it go away by making you a villain I guess that’s the price I pay for seven years in heaven

All of these lines from the same song and then some. This song nailed it. It cleared it and I could finally make piece. There’s another bit of that song that is actually the whole reason I am writing this…

All you want from me is the greenlight of forgiveness, you haven’t met the new me yet I think she’ll give you that

The greenlight of forgiveness. The new me. The new me will give you that. We are in charge of how long what hurt us haunts us. Forgive and forget is the old saying right? Sometimes we can’t forget because it’s burned into our brains, but we can control the forgiveness. We can forgive them for ourselves. Ironically as I have been figuring this out and walking down this path and I recently got a message from My person and well now I am at a place in my life where I know how to stand and breathe without her so I can let her back in because I figured out the boundaries. I found it and I figured it out. I am me, and she is her. Yes, this may be strange logic but now it’s logic. I got my conformation. I got what I prayed for.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together ~ Marilyn Monroe

Sometimes good things have to break so better things can come along and then of course there’s always the fact that “Some walks you have to take alone. – Suzanne Collins”

I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I hate that about myself because I can’t even get mad about my dog dying because hey now, I have Rocky? And of course, Bo is in a better place now to, but you get the point.

Anyways let’s wrap this baby up right? The moral of this post is yes, I had to take time away and find myself and boundaries. But I have done that. As long as you protect your emotional bubble then maybe you’re safe? I know where I stand now, and I know what I plan to do. I also know now that forgiveness isn’t for them it’s for us, so we can have a weight lifted off of our chest and stop being suffocated.  I hope you all enjoyed this post don’t forget to sign up for the newsletter to get monthly updates on the 11th and I hope and pray you are all safe and well <3

As always until next time Loves <3

Hailey Marie