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When I think I'm doing better then I see one clip which re-triggers me:
#off topic#mental health#true story#i use humor to mask my pain#i'm actually in a really bad place right now#i hate my stupid fucked up brain#please stop hyperfixating on things which upset me#also fuck the youtube alogrithm
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Oh god ever since i read nyoomerr's ficlet about OctoBinghe it's been stuck in my mind and i just had to draw it!
Nyoomerr's post
#artists on tumblr#scum villian self saving system#svsss#svsss fanart#mxtx#luo binghe#ok but the blue ringed octopus is like one of my fav animals and i'm obsesd with octopus anatomy#and body horror as in merging things with humans in fun ways#so this came so natural#what didnt came natural where those stupid as fucking rings#but i think they came out ok#i origanaly wanted to make binghe more into an abomination like the mad scientist that i am#also more eyes#the rings where suposed to be eyes but i couldn't pass up the oputunety to make him venumos#like we all love ourself some monster bingbing but lke venomes bingbing?#oh god viper bing bing with retravtable fangs#no scales r shit i hate drawing scales#i'm becoming less and less coherent#binghe why r u making my brain into mush? shizun won't eat brain mush no mater how u cook it
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just how can i protect your smile?
#you guys like yaoi? can i get you some yaoi#pjsk#prsk#project sekai#proseka#tsukasa tenma#rui kamishiro#ruikasa#AUUUUUGH.#this is what finally makes me actually draw riks. vocaloid autism#putting the link in the caption because NOBODY FUCKIGN TLAKS ABOUT SCISSORHANDS EVER WHERES THE HYPE I NEED HER. SONG OF THE DECADE(2009)#this song makes me incredibly normal. my bad. i saw the miume choreography when i was like 11 and my brain shifted#i wanted their outfits to look like mikus in the mv so bad. Fuck my life for that btw stupid fuckign frill trim. why did she have to slay#tried to think of smth other than butterflies for kasa but i have no brain and tbh i hope his life is miserable so its fine#me posting this only to tmblr and not twt because i fucking hate twt#im drawing more song covers that live in my mind palace so i'll pist them there all together. and maybe here all together. who give a shit.#emnn skeleton orchestra next and it will fix me#Good lord. sorry. Im so caught up posting this for no reason. Get me out of here#im supposed to have a lecture in 3 hours but post covid symptoms say otherwise. im so fucked#i have a cyberpunk dead boy wip with them but idk i dont like posting wips on here its like an archive. n i want to actually finish it#but dear lord rendering it with their stupid outfits. clutches my chest falls to the floor. AUUUUGH#wxs killing me killing me taking damage augh auugh aughg
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It would have been really cool if they had been consistent with everyone’s strength level on the show. Spike and Buffy were often never shown at the full extent of their strength while the scoobies would manage to somewhat keep up or take over for these incredible famous super strong spidey sense having fighters like it makes ZERO sense and drives me CRAZY
#once again joss whedon I fucking hate you and your stupid fucked up brain#truly fuck off like set some rules for who can do what and STICK TO IT#spike btvs#my edit#spike pratt#william the bloody#spike btvs edit#james marsters#spuffy#slayer of slayers
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See I honestly do find the prequels-era Jedi an interesting (and at times painfully recognizable) portrait of institutional violence in that...they aren't cackling villains. They're mostly sympathetic well-intentioned individuals who via a combo of traditionalist inertia, ideological blinders, proximity to power, a dash of plain old arrogance and a liberal seasoning of end-justifies-the-means compromise end up being at best indifferent to and at worst deeply complicit in some pretty heinous injustice. I don't even think this is a completely against-the-grain reading on my part. At the end of the day it's a pretty mild critique, but it's hard to argue that the PT is entirely uncritical of the Jedi imo.
Unfortunately the narrative is never interested in really sinking its teeth into that. And even more unfortunately, a chunk of the fandom will clutch its pearls in horrified outrage if anybody else is interested in sinking their teeth into that
#i recognize that isn't lucas' reading but (1) the author is dead (2) his is not the sole creative vision at work in those films#and (3) george ''i'm a methodist buddhist benevolent dictatorship is the best form of govt ewoks are my vietnam metaphor'' lucas#says some brain-breakingly stupid shit and i'm under no obligation to accept his takes as gospel#anyway. i don't think you have to hate or lack sympathy for the characters to think that as presented in the pt#the jedi order is sort of a fucked up institution within (and doing the bidding of and dedicated to perpetuating) a deeply fucked up system#fundamentally it's a story about structural failure!!!#the good intentions are what make that failure tragic#star wars#aggressive negotiations#my separatist feels#my posts
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Its just one of those days
#in which having a body fucking sucks!!!#i woke up in a cold sweat from a dream where i was being sexually assaulted (thank you stupid brain)#and now i realized my shorts are too short for the gym#manifesting reality etc#i hate this
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it���s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something
#WHAT AM I DOING!!!!#i get up i go to my stupid retail job i stick labels on bags they pay me fucking thirteen bucks an hour i come home i lie on the couch#too tired to draw in too much pain to go anywhere no energy to reach out to college friends to do anything fun#no idea where the even start with getting an industry job no clue what i even WANT at this point#trying to remember what i loved so much about comics i want it BACK i HATE this#WHAT IS THE POINT!!!! WHAT DO I WANT WHERE AM I GOING!!! WHAT COMES NEXT!!!!!!#there's no clear career trajectory i can't do freelance i need structure i can't work too much i need free time#my brain doesn't work every job requires me to move across the country the irs just took fucking three hundred stupid dollars from me#my friends live in different states i can't get a job without experience i can't get experience without a job#i can't work on my portfolio with no energy and no time and i dont have any money and everything is so expensive all the time#i can't get anywhere bc i dont drive and im too stressed to think about taking driving lessons again#and WHAT DO I WANT!#THE MOST INTERESTING THING I DO EVERY WEEK IS GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY!#I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!#anyway WHATEVER i need to go to bed#delete later#i got into spx. today. so. had to have a crisis about how i felt when i attended spx (energized. excited. a part of something. ambitious)#versus how i feel now (tired. unmotivated. kind of apathetic about art. disconnected)#i dont miss the stress of school but i miss being around other artists. ppl who speak your language and who want the same things you want#ppl who are excited abut art and that makes YOU excited about art. ppl who get you#i miss that i want that back#whatever. its 1am i gotta go shower i have an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow. wahoo. $13.50/hr lets go
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not for anything but friendly reminder that ~fandom discourse~ about where women belong (or people you perceive as women) is misogynistic as fuck. or what they're allowed to say, or what they're allowed to write about, or what they're allowed to enjoy.
next time you see someone having a tantrum and vaguing, especially if their posts from week to week completely contradict each other, perhaps analyze if the common denominator is "a gross woman said something and now i'm mad" without otherwise adhering to any actual principles.
#like i wonder if someone consistently preaches that we need to respect each other's headcanons#but they are specifically bothered by women & people they assume are women#and they keep specifically complaining about how ANNOYING GIRLS are the ones with such STUPID ideas#if maybe that person is just a fucking misogynist LMAO#and maybe we shouldn't give them the time of day :)#but what do i know lol im just a dumb girl with my dumb girl brain#anyway sorry guys i hate posting vagues i think it's really immature but like how much of this do we fucking tolerate#and can you please stop reblogging him bc tumblr's block & mute functions are terrible#if i'm not vague about it does it still count as a vague?#i hate public drama but like he didn't want to resolve it in private either and won't shut the fuck up haha sorry#but i also fucking hate bullies so#:)#also in b4 fandom clique conspiracies start floating around#if you act like a misogynist dickhead and get blocked by a bunch of people#it's not a cabal of mean girls ganging up on you#maybe you're the problem lol#knock it the fuck off aren't you tired of this it's been a year man#get a life.
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#it should be noted that I tried distracting myself from wanting to be dead in a hole and no longer have teeth or shame or the horrors#by watching Grey’s Anatomy#because other people’s made up drama is better than whatever my brain is giving me right now#and I ended up watching an episode where a major character#has a dental abscess that gives her a bacterial heart infection and heart attack and all the complications that follow.#I would just like to say#fuck my life#I KNOW THIS IS FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS#I JUST#WANT TO ***#RATHER THAN EVER DEAL WITH TEETH EVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE#I’ll never forgive my mom and my old dentist and hygienists for being ‘kind’ but shaming me so much for so many years without ever once help#*helping me#what was I supposed to do with that?#I can’t hate myself into taking better care of my teeth#and it’s such a beast to overcome that I barely make a dent before something throws me off the bandwagon and I’m terrified to even feel that#I have a mouth all over again!!!#shh katie#there’s no way that one of my teeth at least will be savagely#*salvagable#it needed a root canal in 2021 there’s no way#but if I need teeth pulled I genuinely will spiral#it’s the ultimate shame#EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE IN OUR FAMILY HAVE HAD TO HAVE THAT DONE#even though my mom and sister have had tons of cavities!#it was never allowed for ME#I was supposed to be the PERFECT one#who never ever had any of the issues my older siblings or parents did#and it’s all taken as me not caring or being lazy or being stupid and uninformed and it’s NOT#I DON’T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS EITHER CAN NO ONE UNDERSTAND THAT
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not gonna lie saving gallifrey was such a boring asspull to bring other time lords back in the mix. & the way the time war was portrayed took all the genuine horror out of it. like, think instead about how interesting it might have been to bring in gallifreyan refugees or something as a way of having time lord stuff to play with without undercutting the horror of the time war and the the doctor’s genocide. honestly the fact that gallifrey got brought back at all kills the really interesting implications of the doctor being the one to singlehandedly end the war, & what that means for their character. and it also kills the horror of the end of time, and how to bring gallifrey back, in any form, would bring with it all the horrors of the time war, war crimes and weapons to terrible to be described, with names like the nightmare child. and in one episode, they just. bring it back and everything is FIIIIINE. the doctor never committed genocide, bringing gallifrey back has no real repercussions the likes of which were implied in the end of time. (like, imagine the creations of a society like the time lords primed for war. even if all were stripped of weaponry, consider the terrible knowledge of such things that might be unleashed, the repercussions of such a war on time lord society & thought.) give us the skaro degradations, the horde of travesties, the nightmare child, the could-have-been king with his army of meanwhiles and never-weres. like, show us the hell that the doctor himself said the war had become by the end!! the doctor only takes the gun from wilf when he realizes the time lords are returning. that holds meaning!!
like, imagine if they actually HAD explored the full implications of how the time war had been lampshaded in previous episodes, gave us a full arc of the doctor dealing with the fallout of the timelords returned, weaponized and wielding horrors unimaginable. bring back the rani! explore the full implications of the doctor’s willingness so commit genocide upon both his people and the daleks. what was so terrible that the doctor decided that for the universe to live, both must die?? there’s so much to work with in that idea alone!!
or like mentioned, give us gallifreyan refugees! surely not all died or were trapped, surely there were other time lords, if even a few. and like, i know that house thing kinda explains that away as “any remaining time lords got eaten by the house” but frankly, i just think that if that’s the excuse you go with as to why there’s no other time lords besides the doctor &the master until gallifrey returns, you’re handwaving it. that could be fascinating!! you could tie it into the audio dramas, or the novels, give us characters from those, bring back characters from classic who! hell, you could bring in the valeyard as a doctor from a timeline that spooled out of the time war, a vesion of the doctor who was never meant to exist, and who practically doesn’t.
at the end of the day, i’m just never getting over the wasted potential of the time war in nuwho. it makes me feel absolutely bonkers, because there’s so much there!
#tldr: go read rtd’s short story about 8 regenerating to 9#& the end of the time war. its good#i’ll be real i didn’t watch the middle of the capaldi era in great depth bc i found this plot fucking stupid#i also can’t talk about 11 in great detail bc 11’s seasons made me feel like i was being forced to take my brain out back to put it down#so if there are factual inaccuracies in this lmk but.#at the end of my day my opinion is that moffat should have put up or shut up wrtto the implications of t#gallifrey’s return. like…… ??#doctor who#anti moffat#moffat hate#kinda?? like. this is very much a criticsm of moffat plotlines#the time war#gallifrey#nuwho#new who
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getting into actual angry arguments: awful. terrible. going to be thinking about it for the rest of the day. leaves me seething about what I could have said differently for the rest of my life.
getting into friendly debates: ohhhhhh enrichmennce.. :) mine brain is so full and thinking..........yippie yaaaaaay!!!!!!
#dichotomy of ME!!! love arguing but also i hate arguing.#aka i got into an angry argument today because my normally conflict-avoidant self had her foot metaphorically stomped on too many times#and i decided i was fed up and stood up for myself#like .why bold face lie to me like that i'll kill you. and a lie that directly fucks me over? who do u think i am#Sorry I'm still seething about it clearly SHDGKLJSDHG it was like. 7 hours ago and I'm still ranting to myself about it#anyway. URHGHHH sorry for venting real life stuff on here I try not to do that#but I GOTTA be mad somewhere about this stupid argument it's currently PLAGUING me#self doubt demon in my brain whispering horrid deceptions. Die 1 million deaths. ok i'm done now.#clamtalk
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One of my favorite hobbies to engage in is ignoring the canon course of video game romances
#yes my warden in an open relationship will have a foursome at the pearl#and yes I will continue to have Morrigan sleep with Orest after the “I love you and I hate it” conversation#I am digging into her brain so deep rn#morri seeing sex as the main manipulation tool she has and being so scared to have orest be just In Love With Her#she says no to his invitation of sex once and he just goes oh okay I'm sorry#I still love you that's okay#and it scares the bejesus out of her#time to keep fucking him so I can pretend that he just wants me for my body#time to let him fuck other people so it'll be easier for him to leave me in the end#I can't have him so dependent on me for his happiness or else it will destroy him (the man I love) in the end#I have to let him leave my side slowly or else he'll die if I separate myself from him I saw what happened with his ex-lover (tamlen)#let him be happy with zevran or leliana or anyone#fool woman he will never let you leave and never stop loving you#I love morrigan and her fucked up relationship with intimacy so much#orest is also especially easy to think you're manipulating because he acts so stupid (and it's only partially an act)#he loves so openly and so intensely and yet he's also clearly very easily drawn in with the appeal of a Nice Ass#I could talk about them forever#I'm editing an old fic to better fit with their dynamic and the canon of the romance#and the orest x morri content I've written since I first wrote this fic#and this doesn't just apply to orest and morrigan#I ignore that tamlen and gorim are female warden LIs only#I ignore that Blackwall is “straight” (blackwall may be but thom isn't that's for sure)#I do whatever the fuck I want with da2#anyway time to stop rambling in the tags and actually get back to writing#dragon age#dragon age origins#dragon age ii#dragon age inquisition#original content#and mainly
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not me curling my laptop charger wire the way you curl band equipment cords HAHAHA god i miss it
#i really said “okay big performance in the city square let's make this work” and i did but absolute fuckery of the manager just made me...#and she also used to complain about being an opening act-- like come on that's a nationally-renowned band and we're not there yet 😭#we used to fight a lot though so ack i really should have taken that as a red flag#but i was 14 and stupid 🤷♂️#being solo way better uM i shouldn't say this yet but i got a commission today audhauagah i don't even have a portfolio#fuck guys i'm so so so nervous from big changes in life because uM god i just came from actual hell with various things working to make me#kms#but uH we're uH not too keen on that anymore atm and uH it's probably going to all fuck up after i share that i have good news in life#but yk what#let's keep challenging god#i know he hates me#but we will not be defeated we will strangle him by the tie#AHHHH help me i want to get into music again pls pls pls pls pls#anyway back to my old band manager#she was known for being a shitwad in the scene anyw but i was young and stupid as i sais#and i defended her and rationalized her behavior because “we're friends right”#i'm starting to get why my mom is wary of people i get to know#i'm tbh a fucking idiot i would never admit that elsewhere (nah i do) uM my brain is bouncing off the walls#i took a bargain with 7pm coffee and look where it got me#i was also getting up there in my 5 days of uni absences agsgshags#DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY READ THESE I KINDA HOPE NOW NO ONE DOES#IM KINDA UHHH MY CHILD THERAPIST SAID UNCONVENTIONAL#I THINK SHE MEANT FUCKING CRAZY#sorry#oh yeah i walked tf out the band after that big performance set up just for us because i couldn't keep working with that kind of environment#other bands started flocking to recruit or proxy after i was let go by my famously fucked-up ex-manager LOL#but um i have issues so i'm not among them and i think they get the message tbh#appears and disappears#that is actually my brand
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🕸️
#yeah so the problem is that ... i fuck things up :(((#i know that i mattered to him i felt that he cared and that i was important#like honestly it's one of the few times i've ever felt it#but then comes the fucking bpd and avpd insecurity#like if i just one time perceive that oh im annoying#then i just pull back and think am i crazy why could anyone not think im annoying#even if i got reassurance multiple times i was like still .. it was still so hard for me#and like with everything i write on here it makes it seem like i dont care or dont value etc etc#also like :(( im not too fragile to hear abt problems or troubles. i make it seem like its that way#but i WANT to be here and listen to the person i care for. it's not too much for me and idk with how emotionally intense i am#idk how to show that... and im too scared of expressing positive emotions bc i fear being ridiculed by the universe#and it all gets so wrong bc he never made me feel ashamed or stupid or too much#he made me feel the opposite!!!! it was me who made it seem like i didnt care it was me who pulled back#it's so sad and frustrating bc the entire time i kept thinking to myself dont ruin this dont ruin this#be aware of the avpd symptoms and stop them pls dont ruin this#and i tried but in hindsight and with more context clues from the other perspective..#i realized that what i felt wasnt shown... :(((#so i am upset bc im not 'losing' someone (romantically) who doesnt value or care for me#it's someone who i did matter to who did care for me and want me#who i was too scared too fearful to be brave and show him and let him#god.. i hate myself so much!!!#and i do hate myself bc of this. bc it has happened before#it happened now with the most important person to me#and it will happen again#and idk.. bc my brain is also so stupid bc#NOW i know. now im not scared anymore with that person. but it's too late :c#(like i thought i shouldve given space but then i get anxious and i pull away too much and idk how to find the balance)
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why did i believe i can ever come out to her
#i need to move out i need to move out i need to move out#i hate this#i can't do this anymore#i hate them but i feel like i'm not a loved to bc they care about me#fuck christiany and your stupid god#i was trying so hard and i can excuse a lot but what's even the point if they never understand#christianity is so evil so fucking evil it rots your brain#she tak about leftist propaganda and cults like she didn't let one control her for years#she want me to tell her stuff promises she can support me but it's simply a lie#she can only accept me if i'm the daughter she want me to be if i bend in the ways that are comfortable#just a little more but every day is so fucking hard#i know i'm gonna suffer and that i may be alone my whole life#but i prefer to be alone and suffer in a different place than be stuck here#and maybe i don't have to be alone maybe other people can have friends that actually care about them#fuck i believed for so long she won't have problem with me being aro like it's not even a sin right???#i keep doing that i'm trying to tell them everything so they tell me what they really think and i'm not the bad person#but it doesn't matter if i'm the evil here i can accept it i was trying for so long#i know i'm difficult but maybe it can be easier for everyone if you just give up on me
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