#i hate ranting i hate talking abt myself i hate everything right now truly but like

[theloveinc]

would it weird if i like. LMAO. ...

[koishua]

hi vienna ,, tbh u dont need to read this bc idk if itd be triggering (body image issues) and id rather u not trouble urself bc of me but id like to vent somewhere and i dont have any1 to talk 2 so pls feel free to ignore .

ive always been overweight for my age but i never faced any bullying abt it other than some very occasion name calling of "fat" in elementary school and my family's disaproval for the way i look. as i grew up, i started to feel more comfortable around others despite not being satisfied with the way i look and i assumed that as kids mature they become more accepting, bc i had never been truly bullied b4 i just assumed it might be rare in communities such as where i lived compared to some of the horror stories i had heard. anyways all my life i had assumed people had been seeing me for more than what i looked like, i always tried to be kind and make a good impression on other but ig that's not true. as much as i love my circle of friends, im not sure i can see them same after what happened on friday. it isnt even their fault, i just feel very insecure now. but basically in 1 of my classes, we had a change in seating so i no longer sat near my friends but 2 acquantainces (they're rlly sweet girls but idk them too well) and this one guy that i also dont know very well other than that in 8th grade he had dated an old friend of mine for a little bit. but anywyas tbh i feel like im just being dramatic but i srsly can't get his conversation out of my mind . the boy was sat next to me and talking to his friend, their convo alr starting off on a wierd note abt kanye west. and the guy next to me (ill call him ray to make it easy) starts off by saying that kanye's note all that bad and has said some pretty true things. ray then goes on to say that fat people dont deserve to exist and body positivity is a completely stupid subject bc it only encourages obesity and unhealthy habits. all the while he's saying this, seated right next to me and im pretty sure he was glancing at me while saying it too . those 90 minutes were the most uncomfortable in my entire life. i was literally panicking while he was talking abt it and it's all that i can think of now. their conversation was truly disturbing to me and my confidence feels as if its completely tanked . his comments of "fat people are gross" and "being fat shouldnt be celebrated" keep ringing in my head everytime i go out or see myself in a mirror. i genuinely feel so broken and it hurts that theyve probably dont realize the effect of their words but also it hurts that that's all they can see me as. not another human being or a classmate but just "fat". idk where im going with this but i dont feel ok and i feel so exhausted now ,, just the thought of having to see ray's face again or hear his voice is scaring me . maybe im just overthinking but i cant help but wonder if my friends picture me the same way. am i even deserving of love if im so "ugly" . my friends sometimes comment that i look way older than my age or that i could pass for college aged and even comments like those are hard to brush off for me. sometimes i wonder if i should restrain my jokes and personality to stay kind bc that's all i am to them. just a source of comfort, and if i dont do that then i could be easily execused. im always scared of saying the wrong thing but now i keep wondering if it would never even matter bc all anyone will ever see me as is "fat" . it's not like i haven't tried to lose weight so i rlly hate everything that ray said and its srsly put me thru sm turmoil . anyways i shld keep this brief (sorry for the rant) and im sorry again for using ur inbox to rant , i rlly hope this doesn't cause you any pain or you find it triggering :( i apologize if it has caused you any concern or pain. i hope ur good and stay happy vie

tw: body image and weight talk

hello, dear :( let me start this off by saying that don't worry, i am perfectly alright and am glad that you feel it's safe enough to vent and write your feelings out in my inbox. you don't have to apologize for anything! i am the one who says that they're open if anyone needs to rant or vent. i would never judge. i had to read this a few times in order to collect my thoughts, so pardon me for delaying this a bit. i wasn't sure if you wanted my direct response, so i will just keep it short.

i won't say that i completely understand what you've been through and i can't speak on experiences i haven't personally lived through. however, as another human being, i will say this: you absolutely deserve to exist. i hope you never ever doubt that. i know how difficult it is to deal with comments about your appearance and it angers me so much that you're treated this way. i get how the side comments every now and then feels. bullying is horrible, but this is just as bad for someone's self esteem and health. im truly so sorry and wish i could do something for you, but i can't because of obvious reasons (that being me being just an online presence and not there with you).

i just want to reassure you that no matter what anyone says, you deserve love and life and goodness. a lot of people don't understand how difficult it is when you don't weigh below a certain number or how isolated that could make someone feel regardless if they're mentioned or not. everyone is so much more than just their appearance. idk how else i could help you other than to strongly remind you that you are you and that should be enough for your friends and that people should learn to keep their mouths shut on their opinions about other people's appearance. it doesn't matter if you lose the weight or if you tell them you struggle a lot with it. those people should reassess the way they're treating another human being with real feelings and thoughts. never lose who you are and trying to be what other people need and want you to be. it may end up making things worse, i know, and im not sure if you've ever told them directly that their words are extremely rude and hurtful and that they should stop, but someone (even if it's not you yourself) really, really should.

i pray that none of what i said has further upset you in any way. if so, i sincerely apologize :( i genuinely hope that this never happens to you again and that you'll have a greater year than ever and that you'll find wholehearted acceptance and love from those you are surrounded by and that you'll slowly but surely feel comfortable in your own skin. take care and you're loved! people like the ray you mentioned are not worth feeling bad over.

[twopoppies]

Firstly No pressure to read any of the below it’s just a lil rant after I ended up on the wrong side of tumblr!! ( + I have ADHD and i forgot my meds lol so its a bit disoriented and all over the place) and no response necessary unless you want to!

Oh god I accidentally ended up on the wrong side of tumblr....never ever ever ever again, I went back so fastttt lol im laughing at myself rn for how quickly i clicked away from disgust

i ended up on a blog that stalks u and some other larries and says absolutely atrocious things abt louis (I can send u their @ if u'd like so u can block them) and fully bought the stunt bs happening rn and it was horrible obvs but like i just do not understand like it was so creepy gina and im just so disgusted bc why? yk?

like u were not joking abt anti's actually being obsessed with larries - like half this person's blog was talking abt you and amy and i was just so shocked cause why??? like mate come on what the actual f? get a life please?? (im quite new so im like just now realising how insanely weird and obsessed these anti's are)

Also it was just an overall eye opener for multiple things:

Starting with that 1. the way 1DHQ and 1D Management managed to alienate larries actually worked and i like knew but truly doing a proper deep dive and seeing multiple blogs hate on larries and like obsessively stalk us was insane?? Like they truly believe everything they’re being fed???

Side Note: Lowkey feeling very lucky to have had the education i have because even before i even joined this fandom i believed partially none of the relationships in the news bc like i knew abt this industry and how it worked yk? i mean its logic? i have so many mates that arent even in the fandom that know i am in the fandom and texted me when the articles started rolling out calling it out for what it was: A PR stunt

Hell someone i know whom i had never even talked abt fandom stuff/stunt stuff fully texted me making a joke out of it!!! like people who aren’t even in our fandom can see it and its just insanely surprising that if they can why cant the antis?? im just a bit shocked rn

both from 1. finding someone who actually believes in this stunt and 2. multiple blogs that fully commit their time to stalking u and other larries and once again i knew but fully seeing it

YK AT FIRST I WAS LIKE IS THIS A JOKE I DIDNT BELIEVE IT GINA I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS PULLING MY LEG OR THIS PERSON WAS IDK BEING SARCASTIC AND HAD A MESSED UP SENSE OF HUMOUR but ye anyway

It made me realise that 1DHQ knew what the fuck they were doing when they were trying to alienate larries from the rest of the fandom, once again i am feeling extraordinarily grateful to have grown up with an education where i was literally taught to never trust anything and to always think things thru using logic - “does it makes sense to you? if not find out why, there usually a reason behind everything” my yr 9 english teacher used to say smth like that all the time and it just never left me bc she was always teaching us to judge everything and to take every piece of news we read entertainment or otherwise with a grain of salt and to always if we’re gonna give someone else our opinion or spread this information do our research (its what i am when i say i feel lucky to have had the education i have had)

Eye Opener 2: Anti’s are fully standing y’all u were 100% correct this is some next level stan behaviour if i’ve ever seen some, you’re famous gina!!

It is while surprisingly to realise that anti’s fully believe these things, more surprising to see how they treat larries bc why on earth would u treat any other human being this way??? like dont get me wrong they’re horrible ppl and i fully felt like sending them a message telling them exactly that but i would never bc i just dont want to make another person feel bad abt themselves even if they are that shitty of a person and it was very tempting

I just would like to understand why they feel the need to do this? like why hate on a whole other person? for what believing smth diff to u? having a difference of opinion? how tf are they gonna make it when they get a job??? like??? do u know how often i run into a person with a different opinion then me? it shouldn’t be that big of a deal! we should still be able to be friends with antis! but we’re not - not for lack of trying btw!! they’re just so mean and rude??? when i was in other fandoms when someone believed different things there was never this much hatred at someone for it!! hell there was barely any bc it was understood that it was normal to have diff opinions abt things and i just am truly fascinated by these ppl i swear they remind how stupid the human race can sometimes be not for what they believe (altho ngl a lil of that too) but for how they treat other ACTUAL human beings with different opinions to them

Eye Opener 2.5: Some people need lives, man like they proper do need lives and something to do maybe a hobby or smth? just like a life they need to get one of those and actual live it

and Eye Opener 3: I already felt this way but like even god damn stronger now you deserve a formal apology from both 1DHQ and the universe

and until we get that u deserve amazing things coming from the boys on your bdays to make up for it

Lastly Gina I hope you didn't read thru all that bc I couldn’t even read it over and thus sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes and I would also like to say that I love your blog and everything about you! you’re an absolute angel and one of the kindest ppl I have ever had the pleasure of well not meeting but stumbling across, you truly make this fandom a much much much better place with your presence (I shudder to think of it without u) that said if you ever need to take breaks or leave Im sure you already know but you should 100%

You first!!! Always! :)

Have a good day Gina, I hope its an absolutely amazing one!

Hi darling. LOL! Reading this was like talking with my kids when they don't take their ADHD meds. Lots of excited thoughts!! I loved it.

And yeah, that blog and their 4 followers are really... not well. But you're very right. 1DHQ made this fandom a breeding ground for people to hate larries and to think it's something Harry and Louis would both approve of. It's gross.

The gaslighting here is powerful, so thank goodness for fans like you who know to question what they're told and to look at things with logic and to do their best to see through their own biases.

Thank you for all the sweet words and your offer to kick butt (in your other message). I really appreciate it!

[velvetyh]

rant: please ignore this (TW!)

sometimes i wish life would get back to normal. like in 2019, when i was only stressed about my future. i was having such a great time in uni, i actually missed going every day in my favourite city with my favourite people, chinese was so fun to learn... my uni friends were so welcoming and nice with me, they were friendships like i've never had. ppl genuinely cared about each other, we truly were a group of good friends. the whole class. we were 25, and it always felt like i was hanging out with some friends.

but i was wrong, oh so wrong. they weren't friends, because everyone stopped messaging me when i left france for germany. it was already a heartbreaking leave and it didn't help, at all. i didn't have anyone; my parents were too busy, my brother was constantly partying and having fun with his friends, and i was alone.

then covid came. this fucking thing, i really wish everything would stop. idk if i want this pandemic to stop, if i want my life to stop, if i want my life to stop because of this pandemic, everything is so confusing and exhausting. every psychologist i went to said that my parents were putting too much pressure on my shoulders, where it's absolutely not the case, but they always keep saying that i shouldn't be defending them and try to talk abt it with them. but they're not the problem! my mom is the one that saved me from many suicidal thoughts when i was younger, and im still going for her. i couldn't even imagine the pain i'd bring her if i ever ended my days. but at the same time, i don't want to see her pass away. i don't think i'd ever be able to pick myself up. she sacrificed everything for me, my brother, everything. and i care about her so much that i know it's gonna tear me apart the day she will die.

also today I went to the doctor and I felt like a circus freak. bc of my medical condition, there are still dozens of doctors, surgeons, nurses and medical students that come to see me. i always want to cry when I have to remove my shirt to expose the scar I have on my upper body, because I can see their eyes lingering on it and it makes me so uncomfortable, but at the same time, they have to learn and understand how my body works. it's always super awkward and uncomfortable when you have men or male medical students that take notes on my condition and stare at my body, even if I still wear my bra, I feel so exposed and everybody is staring at me, I always have panic attacks when go see my doctor. he always explains what I have and I wanna tear out the pity that they have in their eyes once they know everything.

yeah... that's pretty much how I feel rn :') plus holiday season isn't helping me much right now, everyone is happy abt Christmas and stuff but I just wanna disappear under the fat layer of snow we have outside and reappear in the spring once the snow will have melted. I'm always sad, I'm always cold, I fucking hate it here

[sotorubio]

1- I end up aciddentaly in your blog and now I'm reading your rants against lucas and omg?? I thought I was the only one in this fandom who didn't like him lmao. I hate how he acted with Lola on s6 and the fact people on tumblr defended him made be hate him even more. he told her to go destroy herself and people called him king?? or when he was incapable of feeling empathy and was like wtf is this girl doing here, she has PROBLEMS . +

hey so sorry i'm answering late i didn't see these earlier!! hopefully u still see this reply in case u were just passing by my blog 🤗

also lmao i just proof read this n i talk much more shit abt him n elu than i intended i'm so sorry if the ppl reading this love them u r all so wonderful this is nothing personal just my own opinion

i honestly couldn't have said it better myself i agree so much, especially after the way he acted & the storyline he was given in s5 n 6.. (even tho he was never rly my fave but those seasons kinda just ruined it)🤷‍♀️

i definitely relate to the hatred coming from the reactions of the fans like that definitely left a shit taste in my mouth for the whole character bc he wasn't held accountable at all n a lot of ppl even straight up praised him n called him iconic for it which i would get if the situation was different like it's always fun when ur fave character is sassy n gets to "go off" but babes this was not the moment for that...

also omg yeah i haven't rly even thought abt it from that perspective but ur so right she IS his friend's sister?? like it's already bad that he was.. angry? that his bf was helping out a teenage girl who JUST lost her mom. like i always thought That alone was such a shitty thing to do but considering that it isn't even some random girl that's ur best friend's sister... what was he gonna say to daphné if he had kicked her out lol. daphné would've been like wow everything's terrible in my life n all of my family is so unstable my sister is relapsing n everything is falling apart just last night she was completely alone n could've been in danger hasn't my family suffered enough n lucas is like "sorry daphné i know u lost ur mom but i didn't want this bitch in my house ❤️" bc of what? bisexuals n pansexuals aka his own beloved boyfriend can't keep it in their pants if they have someone sleep over? this girl who u barely know was indifferent to u once? king behavior!!!

i truly don't even have anything to add to the points u made abt the club incident n the way lola basically just repeated what she already knew abt lucas 🤷‍♀️ PLUS even if lola WAS incorrect we never saw lucas prove that to be false lol bc there weren't any of those infamous eliott POVs so all we saw was lucas doing exactly what lola said 💀 the fandom's reaction to lola's behavior in the whole club thing was... A Lot. i didn't understand it at all bc that conversation was exactly what i expected from a season that handles MIs & addiction n when we found out lola & eliott were gonna interact a lot i was imagining scenes like these where they bond over stuff like this n talk abt the unconscious prejudice even their loved ones can exhibit...

i rly sat there watching the convo like wow first good writing of the season? mentally ill characters being pissed at ableism n feeling conflicted abt their frustration bc it's coming from their loved ones who mean well but can't fully understand? excellent! tumblr must be ecstatic abt this representation!!!! 🤡

my mistake was that i forgot adult men w mental illnesses actually aren't grown ups who r capable of making decisions! they r just irresponsible babies who r so incompetent due to their MI they need to be looked after at ALL times just imagine how things could've turned out if his babysitter boyfriend had been there!!! maybe this teenage girl who was already drunk wouldn't have managed to MANIPULATE this still-sober adult man who she's known for a few weeks!!! mentally ill ppl will just fall for any scheme of evil little bitches bc they can't think for themselves!!!

🙂

🙂

anyway

totally agree w the last point i feel bad for saying it bc i know the couple (n the characters) r rly important to a lot of ppl in this fandom n genuinely good for y'all! i'm sorry for the way the show eventually treated them but yeah personally i just can't see any reason for them to be together anymore other than fan service 🤷‍♀️

[dessaraezzz]

radio silence

(warning: angsty, kinda heavy, vent) (not yumary/takamori)

the term “radio silence” comes from the United States armed forces. when radio transmissions stopped being received in an area. radios are imparitive during war. communication is your life line. your sargent commanding you on the battlefield is a guardian angel navigating you to victory.

hold, run twenty paces forward, enemy on your right

well, the closest i’ve ever gotten to a battlefield was playing Call of Duty; even then, my cousin carried me through the campaign. i gripped the controller so hard i felt the white shell shift and crack against each other.

you don’t know that side of me. the side that’s weak and fragile. the me that jumps when my controller starts buzzing, and my screen turns red, but i don’t know where the hell the bullets are coming from or which one of those menacing and bulky military men is shooting at me.

maybe you think i’m fearless—or at least shameless. while you know i don’t have the most confidence, you probably don’t know how anxious and self-conscious i am, how many problems my self-loathing burdens me with.

because i try to stay happy for you. i try. you are going through so much, and you do not need me being a whiny bitch about how much i hate myself and how ill never be enough. so i help you with everything and listened to you rant about your toxic friends and your downright outrageous mom. truly, i love doing it. i love doing it because i love being helpful in someway. even if i can’t make your teachers decent human beings or your nerve problems any better, if i can lighten the load for you, i will do it.

but sometimes, it can be too much. all the weight of my intrusive thoughts combined with all of the awful things happening to you is just too much for me to handle on my own.

what if as you were fighting for your life on the battlefield, your only guide started breaking up. her words became fragments and distorted pitches and syllables.

maybe if i told you that i needed a break from the vents, things would be better. that if i only dealt with my own problems and issues, i would somehow recharge my mental capacity. so i spilled… but then came the radio silence.

we hit an area without reception. i didn’t expect it. i didn’t want it. what was i supposed to do? what were we supposed to talk about? was me consoling you about your problems the only thing we talked about? no, it wasn’t, so why didn’t we speak?

not only are you, the helpless and scared solider, lost on the battlefield with the sound of static fogging your focus, but now me, the only person you could turn to for solace, was now panicking, trying everything to get the service back. what were you going to do without me telling you where to go? how were you going to make it without me?

AND… maybe i’ll finish this one day but the person this was abt literally text me as i was writing it so there’s no more radio silence :)

also i wanted to make this yumary but i cldnt find a metaphor that fit them, so i decided to just be honest about my angst lmao.

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

Oh i kinda took a break from Tumblr mid 2015- end of 2016 and followed Taylor stuff mostly on IG and i didn't pay attention to Taylor's personal life as much. At that time i felt like Taylor was so unreacheble. I kept listening to 1989, and i hated the whole Kanye thing but i wasn't as close as i was during red and after during rep yk? Btw, since i'm here, what do you think abt the theories that some songs on 1989 are about Dianna Agron??

Yeah I feel you with the break thing because while I didn’t stop using tumblr, I definitely tried to remove myself as much as possible from the Swift fandom somewhere in 2015 up until Better Man was released to be honest, in part due to my mental health (and the anon hate I was getting surrounding not agreeing with Tayvin/everything Taylor did making that worse) and in part due to not feeling like part of the community or as close to Taylor as I was in the RED era like you.

In terms of Swiftgron, I use to be a massive Swiftgron shipper. Not to the point I thought Dianna proposed or that most RED + 1989 songs + Babe + Better Man + some Folklore songs are about Dianna like some shippers, but I shipped it and truly believe it happened at the time. Realistically if it did happen, my theory really only goes as far as “Taylor fell harder, Dianna didn’t realise and thought it was a more casual thing and unintentionally hurt Taylor, causing the relationship to end”. Musically, I think Wonderland would probably be the closest thing I would say is “proof” Swiftgron happened, but I’ve also heard just as compelling arguments for it being a Haylor song so I could see it going either way. 

As for how I feel now? The truth is that as long as Taylor is happy with her current relationship and/or herself, I don’t really care about her romantic relationships. Like if it comes out that the Gaylors are right and all of this has been bearding and Taylor is a lesbian (which I personally do not believe, but hypothetically) and she’s happy with Karlie/Dianna/someone else, or even being single right now, then good for her. If it is the case that Taylor is completely 100% straight and happy with Joe, then also good for her. And finally, if it comes out that she did date women alongside men in the past but is happy with Joe now, again, good for her.

Like I’m at a spot in my life where my favourite thing about Taylor’s music is talking about what it means to me and who I relate it to and hearing how it’s helped other fans and what it means to them as opposed to speculating on who it’s about. While it’s more about Kaylor than Swiftgron, I’ve wrote in depth how I feel about Gaylor in general in April 2019 here if you want to take a deeper dive into my thoughts on Taylor’s sexuality.

And truth be told, while it obviously wouldn’t fix the problems with queerphobia this fandom has, I kinda wish the fandom had the same attitude because then there’d be less room for queerphobic people to use Taylor’s music and interpretations as scapegoats and distractions to pin their queerphobia on. Like again, while it wouldn’t fix the issue and I’m not claiming it would, I feel like there would be more of a “So what? That’s her interpretation/what she wrote it about but music is subjective and means different things to different people” push if Taylor’s word wasn’t seen as the be all end all of what the songs mean. Again, I need to push that this is not me saying this is going to solve the queerphobia in the fandom, just that it’s one way to help get rid of ways that queerphobic people use “the correct interpretation” or Gaylors in general as a distraction, scapegoat or justification of their queerphobia in my opinion.

Anyway, sorry this was a bit of a rant, but that’s basically my thoughts on the topic.

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering 

[poppymadness]

💖 HQ, Knb, All Out, Free, BNHAand DnA I think you watched at least a little bit of it, didn't u? And since I know who some of your favorites are already u can just rant about why u love them

@naturalpeaches said:💖 can i be an ass and say twdg even tho ik the answers p much OH the last kingdom. bring it to ur blog amber. talk about it. accept it.

💖 listen those 2 weren’t enough. give me the raven cycle. give me the foxhole court. give me six of crows. giVE ME CRIMINAL MINDS HAAAAA BITCH. why not throw the 100 in there too. also talk abt ur boo in the sun is also a star. give him some lovin

💖 N A R U T O

hope it’s cool just to throw ya both in here bc i’m lazy

haikyuu: (3) kuroo tetsurou - iiiiiiiiiiii fucking love kuroo sO much, a huge tall not so dumb dumbass god. i don’t know what to say dfkhka i fuckin Love him thanks dude. i nEVER FORGET THE FUCKIN LAUGH GOD FUCK FOR FUCKS SAKE skjfd. whenever i get in Kuroo Moods they last SO long i can’t get a break. and gamer au kuroo is killer it’s too good. listen he’S A BIG FOOL and i LOVE him want the best for him bc he’s great, good, good dude. i also rlly fuckin love terushima man ooooo my god, imagine him and kuroo bein buds hORRIBLE

kuroko no basket: (1) kiyoshi teppei - mY BOY KIYOSHI AAAAA. hE’S EVEN T A L L E R mmmm 6′4″ the fuck mann. we know my love for this dumbass i love him so so muuch fuck. thought it was kuroko at first, bitch no. I LITERALLY DIDN’T KNOW I LOVED HIM TILL AFTER I FINISHED THE WHOLE SHOW. like, just, the more i saw stuff involving him the more i was like ooo no no waiT i LoVE HiM i screamed when he showed up in the second opening when we rewatched it oooommggggg. he’S SO GOOD I HOPE HIS KNEE IS HEALED I HOPE HE GETS TO PLAY BASKETBALL AS A LIL SIDE HOBBY OR SOMETHIN HOPE HE’S FUCKIN HAPPY!!!!! whY DOES HE SELF-SACRIFICE SO MUCH BOY OOO MY GOD WHEN HE REALIZED THE TEAM GOT HIS BACK TOO BITCH HE SO CUTE. mmmmm  i love hiiiiim bois. also love akashi i keep finding it funny ur intimated by him cj

all out: (4) ebumi masaru - i can’t. i can’t explain why i love him oR WHY HE’S SO HIGH A FAVE GOD. this whole fandom is like Those Thighs and make ebumi all about fuckin sex like what a Tough Boy like yA HE BUYS (rents? whatever) PORN THAT’S FUCKIN SO FUNNY TO ME BUT MMMM he. more. i nevER STOP THINKIN BOUT THE EP WITH ISE THAT EMO SHIT DO U SEE HOW MUCH EBUMI CARES BOUT HIS FRIEND GOD Fuck. like yeah, just take the money. this is what was left for me but idc here take it u need it i stg season 2 better be in the works i want more of his backSTORY. oh hE FUCKIN BLEACHES HIS HAIR WHAT A PUUUUNK, HE TRAINS SO HARD HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT RUGBY GETS P I S S E D WHEN PPL HALF-ASS IT LIKE?? FAIR ENOUGH. OH THETY ACTUALLY DREW HIS HAIR DOWN RIGHT ADJHF A OoO FUCK TAHT. i’m good it’s cool alright bye gion, raita & ise are my best friends thank

free: rin matsuoka - i. thought it was nagisa at first. i wanna cry fuckin nagisa jesus. good boy but hell no. rin?? is so sweet i’m sorry fuckin flew haru to australia & shit he’s so good i love him. i gotta do this i’m srry FUCK whoever thinks rin would be abusive with haru thx. i havE A RIN POSTER G O D

boku no hero academia: todoroki shouto - i literally didn’t have a fave in this show until one (1) specific episode in season 2 with him. thought i was gonna live forever not having a fave in this show. i had actually been growing to like him and was like No, i told myself to not like him bc he’s so popular hdkfa. and then that ep came and i was like,,,oof i Love him, love love love what a goOD BOY. he’s…so cute..comin to terms with his powers still can’t get over he interned with his dad he just…..wants to improve…is improving…..so good.

daiya no ace: ? - ok, i never developed a fave while watching it, at least not where i got to. i don’t even remember where i stopped oof that’s bad. but i had thought at that time that i rlly loved chris?? eijun is precious, i fuckin love him. miyuki is great i love him too. also really loved kuramochi?? so if i had continued i think it would’ve been one of em.

the walking dead game: kenny, luke, clem, gabe - pls don’t make me choose… kenny…tried his hardest to be good, worked his ass off till the last moment to improve himself and didn’t get the redemption he deserved. that man is good, he was just pushed to his max and couldn’t get back down. luke, luke is a sunshine boy who was too good for the world, a positive outlet could make anyone happy, did his best, didn’t deserve to die. cleM MY BADASS B A B Y HAS GROWN SO MUCH I LOOOOVE HER AND CAN’T WAIT FOR HER HAPPY ENDING TELLTALE YOU FUCKS I AM BEGGING YOU1!! gabe…annoyed me at first…stole my heart….just a boy thrown into the apocalypse tryin to be happy…he’s doing his best, he’s learning, truly not such a brat as assholes make him out to be. nick my boy i’m so sorry i would’ve included you ur so close

the last kingdom: uhtred & alfred - i love uhtred the godless and king alfred of wessex very much indeed. uhtred is just a wreck honestly, this danish bro got a lot goin on he just wants the land he deserves i just say he’s bein greedy, go be happy under alfred’s rule i still love u tho uhtred u dumbass. alfred! got the peace he wanted! i love alfred so much he wants to be a king without war unless he’s not given the choice, cares about his family so much, afraid he’ll be punished for the crown that’s not rightfully his own. alfred is so good, i love this man.

the raven cycle: (5) adam parrish - mmmmmmm what a good boy. an important boy, a very much loved boy. iiiii hate havin his pov sometimes, some relatable things in there, i love him so much. he’s not. his father. thanks. gotta say that a lot wanT HIM TO KNOOOOOOOW. he’s so good he’s improving himself he’s doin it!! go adam!! goD ASHLETY I KEEP THINKING OF THINGS YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN TOOOOOOOO. mmmm it’s ok to still be stuck and to have bad days he doesn’t have to get over it right away!! it’s not somethin that’ll just be over!! dhfad smALL STEPS my boy i love u…. all bc, he…legally free (tryin not to spoil dfhjdaf).. don’t mean he has to be over it…take ur time adam. i’m thinkin of the emo thing in trk fuck wrong devil dkhfad. i just wanna cry he’s so good worth so much ronan & i will fight any and all fucks who wanna Go. i!! love him!! he deserVES TO FEEL LOVED AND TO FEEL HOW TO LOVE MMMM COOL i’m gonna stop i’ll just repeat myself - i just thOUGHT OF THE ‘FUCK YOU GANSEY’ WOW FIRST BOOK FUCK B YE

the foxhole court: …andrew minyard… - idk man?? it’s so lowkey?? it’s chill i literally don’t even have anything to say. nicky, neil & dan are my squad love em.

six of crows: jesper fahey - idk what fuckin bitch ass mood i had to be in when i read soc but if i wasn’t in it jesper would totally have been my fave. i wouldn’t take him away from wylan anyways (statement kiiinda counts for the two aforementioned also whoop). jesper?? deserves the world, but so does everyone else they all deserve the world even u bitch ass brekker who would not deal with my bullshit ever. 

criminal minds: aaron hotchner - god ashley screw off askin me for cm. love hotch, would die for him, too good of a guy.

the 100: bellamy blake - is a fuckin whore. iiiiiii love bellamy so much. bitch ass goes from a punk i hated to a good dude to a punk ass influenced by some huge ass prick dick and then struggles with himself for the next season and will now hopefully feel a bit better at least for gods sake. all bc you’ve done bad things doesn’t mean ur bad bell… i still never get over fucking pike taking advantage of him when he was vulnerable fuck off i just want him to feel better!! take responsibility but don’t let it push you down fucking get up!! you’ll get up!! mmm he’s so good he just wants to make everything right but clarke makes everyTHING FUCKIN GO WRONG. i just…not everything is excusable but he can make up for it he will and he’s worth it,,,, people gotta forgive him at some point he’s trying his hardest to make up for everything and he keeps beating himself on it mmmmdfahdf i love him

the sun is also a star: daniel jae ho bae - idk what to say about him ashley god fuck. he’s so cute though?? what a cheesy dude. ugh literally so cute i gotta reread it

naruto: kiba inuzuka - what a prideful ass i fuckIN LOVe him thx. i mean i was fuckin doomed from that start he has best boy akamaru & fuckin has a jutsu where he turns into a wolf?? and his fuckin mom and sister have wolves?? doomed before i even fuckin knew it. he’s soooo cute, never take his fuckin hoodie off idk what’s cuter him trying to look tough in that hoodie that everyone literally thought was hair or havin the hoodie off and showin his actual hair that somehow makes him cuter,,, what’S HORRIBLE IS THE LEATHER JACKET OR WHATEVER IT IS HE WEARS IN SHIPPUDEN fuckin idiot. imagine him as hokage i can’t believe he wants to be hokage it’s so funny i’m sorry kiba i’ll support u just give me a minute to catch my breath. guys he’s just so cute, trains so hard, he’s so good i love him enthusiastic boy

[aspiedistra]

Low Empathy - A Personal Perspective

I feel the aggressive urge to Rant abt autism things...don’t mind me...Negativity beyond this point...and probably not a lot of coherence. 

I am...So tired of some aspects of being autistic. I have accepted this as a part of me. When I first realised I was autistic I actually felt happy. Because for the first time I finally made sense. For the first time I truly BELONGED within a community of people (the autistic community) who would understand me and my experiences) 

And it’s not actually something I’d want to change about me, if I’m being honest and fair with myself. (In this moment, perhaps, because I’m hurting, and frustrated...but in general, no.) It’s not something that, if it ever could be “cured” I would want to be cured. Because I do not think that I, or any other autistic people, can, or need to be, fixed. 

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt sometimes. And you know, I’ve learned to deal with/am learning to deal with the more negative aspects that other people have talked about. The sensory issues, being overloaded, and melting down, I’m getting there with them. They suck. And they hurt. And they scare me sometimes, but I’m dealing with them. I’m dealing with the social aspects, the difficulties I have sometimes with figuring people out. I’m dealing with it all...But there’s one thing right now that’s causing me pain, and it’s ironically the thing that makes everyone assume that I feel nothing, and am a mindless, uncaring robot who goes through life utterly unhindered and unbothered by everything. 

I’m low empathy. 

Low empathy pretty much across the board. But I do care. I do feel. I do love. And I want to help the people I love. I don’t want them to be upset, or sad, or anxious, or scared. I want to help them. And I can’t. Because I feel like a big aspect of low empathy everyone overlooks is that, not only do I have a real struggle feeling what other people are/connecting with them on that level (which can be really fucking isolating while we’re on the subject) I have no idea how to comfort. I have no idea what to say. I have no idea what to do. 

Maybe someone with a better understanding of psychology and all that will tell me that I’ve got some wires crossed here, but for me, this feels like it’s directly linked in with my low empathy. 

If there’s a practical thing that can be done about someone else’s problem, I’ll do it. (Sometimes it’s done out of the compulsion because I feel I should help, but don’t have that kind of compassionate empathy necessary to jolt the feely part of my brain into helping, but the now pretty much instinctual ‘rules for passing’ part kicks in and does what needs done) but once there are no practical things I can do...I get stuck. 

In cases where the practical help is coming from a place of compulsion/vague sense of decency, it’s mostly okay. I feel kind of guilty, because I feel like I should FEEL things and want to like pat them on the back or something, but I pretty much get on with life, with just a hint of awkwardness and the feeling that something is a little bit missing. 

When it’s someone I love, though, when it’s someone i care about deeply who I know is hurting/sad/scared/whatever and I’ve either exhausted all the practical options or, worse, there were no practical options in the first place, that’s when I start wishing I was someone else.

 That’s when I start hurting. That’s when I start feeling hopeless, and helpless, and useless, and lost. That’s when I start feeling like another breed of being entirely. That’s when I start wishing that there was some way I could pierce this little bubble around me that stops me connecting on that level with other people. 

Where ‘that level’ is something I have never felt with anyone; I have only ever felt its absence. I have people that I love in my life. I know that I love them, I feel that I love them (and yes, I worried I would never experience that, would never know it, would never feel it for anyone, would never be able to. But I can. And I do). I trust them, I feel safe with them, I feel a kinship with them, I feel a connection to them...But I do not feel connected in that emotional way that empathy seems to bind people together. 

Most of the time it doesn’t really matter. Most of the time that little bubble between us is only a hair’s breadth wide. I’m happy, I’m loved, I’m safe. I know that. I know that they know it with me. That is enough. That is more than enough. 

But sometimes, the times when they’re upset, the times when they’re hurting and I don’t know what to do about it, when I can’t do anything about it...Those times it feels like this great, gaping expansive void. I feel like there’s a shit tonne of deep space between us, and that I might as well belong to an entirely different breed of being. 

And I WANT to do something. I want to help. I want it so badly that it hurts. And this is not something I can learn. This is not something I can change. Because even if I do, even if I can learn, even if someone was able to provide me with a list of actions to perform and things to say to deal with every single specific person, and every single specific problem...I still wouldn’t KNOW in my soul that I was doing the right thing, that I was truly helping, that I was acting on this strange instinctive impulse that everybody else seems to have to know how to fucking help the people that they love when they’re in pain. 

And that’s an awful thing to lack. It’s an awful thing to have only by the hole between you and someone you love where you know it’s supposed to be and can never find it. It’s an awful kind of helplessness to feel. And it’s not something I think anyone who hasn’t experienced it will ever truly understand.

 And I get so frustrated whenever I see representations of people (autistic or not) with low empathy. because we so often get shown as these unfeeling robots, who go around hurting people, or being utterly indifferent to the sadness of those around them, even when they’re aware of it, and feel no desire to help or do anything at all and...I don’t know. Maybe some people do feel that way? And I don’t want to undermine their experiences at  all but I’m willing to bet there are also a lot of lot of people like me who don’t have that. And know they don’t have that. And mourn the loss of it, and the inability to ever have it. And they WANT to help they just don’t know how and that kind of pain is something I will never be able to appropriately put into words. 

And of all the autistic things about me. And some of them are wonderful, they truly are, if I wasn’t autistic I don’t think I’d be here now. But all the things that are difficult I can deal with...because they only hurt me. The sensory issues, the overloads, the meltdowns, even the difficulties in social situations...They only affect me. They only hurt me. And this doesn’t. This hurts the people around me. This hurts the people I care most about. Because I feel like I’m not able to give them the level of emotional support that they deserve. Because other people can help them, other people can make them feel better, other people know what to do and what to say and I don’t. And that’s frustrating, and agonising, and terrifying all at the same time. And I hate it. In all honesty...I hate it. 

[luobingmeis]

Marble and sunrise? Have a great day!

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

honestly this sounds probably super cliche but it’s my grades and swimming. like, i am so invested in my education bc i worked my ass off to get to where i am and, honestly, im not letting anything come in between me and good grades like imo grades come before everything (sometimes to a fault but oh well what can u do). and swimming. like. oh boy. it feels so nice to truly, genuinely love a sport with all your heart??? like i swam for seven years on club and by the time i quit i was ready to throw swimming in the trash but now im back on a team with girls who are amazing and so friendly and fun to be around and im improving and it’s just so nice to be getting back in shape and doing what i’ve missed and loved.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

oh shit i just ranted abt a bunch of trc quotes a couple days ago this is my moment to shine

okay i have two bc i couldn’t decide

“it’s only you. why do you hate you?” “i don’t.”

“and then instead gave himself over to feeling sorry for himself, that he should have so many friends and yet feel so very alone.”

okay so with that first one, i can’t necessarily say that i hate myself. i do like who i am, for the most part, and im proud of myself for what i do. but im also my own worst enemy. i have purposely put myself in an anxiety attack or really bad spells bc it makes me feel. and that’s really fucked, you know??? i was talking to mer abt this and how i will sometimes purposely make a good situation bad bc i either feel that i don’t deserve to have that good or bc im too uncomfortable with things being okay for too long. mostly bc, during the summer, i was so used to feeling bad and terrible and nothing for days on end that, when things start to feel good for a while, i start to question myself and my experiences and i panic and make things bad so i can remember what it feels like. with that first quote, it’s the moment that i strive to have. i am slowly, very slowly, trying to get myself to the point where i can let myself be happy and not sabotage myself. it’s a very slow process, but im trying.

and with that second one, i just really relate to gansey and how he feels that he can’t have problems bc his friends have it worse. especially with that quote specifically, i can get so lonely and sad sometimes because of how lonely i am, but then i feel guilty bc i have such a close group of friends who i would call my family, and friends within that group who have been in way worse situations and states than i have. i have had that cliche feeling of being alone in a crowded room bc i can get so anxious or overwhelmed and then i kinda retreat into myself or cling onto one person and then i feel guilty bc im like “you have all these friends and you’re sitting here with your petty problems ruining the mood”. like, im trying to work on not comparing my problems with others, but i do still tend to feel guilty when i complain abt my problems to friends that have it worse.