#i have a doctors apt in two weeks and just hoping i’ll actually get some help

[cinderlla]

finally accepting im Actually A Lot physically disabled was probs the best for my body but the worst for my psyche, like not gaslighting myself anymore but at what cost bc i’ll probs still not get the help i need

[atlafan]

My Everything - Part Four

A Take it Slow Sequel

What happens with Harry and Y/N after he proposes? How will the two navigate the engaged life while also continuing to juggle their jobs, friends, and families? Let’s find out.

Warnings: Fluff and Smut. Small dash of angst. 

a/n: not proofread fam, I didn’t have the strength.

Masterpost

“You wanna go to Homecoming?” Sarah asks you. You and Harry went over to her and Niall’s place for lunch on Sunday.

“It seems really important to my intern that I’m there…it could be fun to check out the tailgate, we used to have fun at that.”

“Yeah, when we were plastered from starting to drink the second we woke up.” She sighs. “What about Rach?”

“I was gonna text her. I think it’ll be fun if we all go.”

“Niall?”

“Yeah?” Him and Harry were playing video games while you and Sarah were in the kitchen.

“Wanna go to Homecoming next weekend with us?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“No.”

“Alright, Homecoming it is.”

“Okay, I guess we’re in.” She smiles at you.

“What was that?” You whisper at her with a grin.

“He’s been really…not into arguing with me lately. I think he’s cracked the code that I’m more apt to fuck him if he doesn’t give me any attitude.” She whispers back.

“See, I feel like Harry wants to fuck me more when I give him attitude.”

“Y/N, Harry would fuck you in any given situation.” You both start laughing.

“Oi, not nice to whisper.” Harry says without looking at either of you.

“Can you two pause that please? Lunch is ready…” Sarah says.

“Only because yeh asked so nicely.” Niall says, saving the game. Him and Harry stand up and go into the kitchen. Niall kisses Sarah on the cheek. “Thanks for makin’ the grub girls.”

You all dig into the food.

“So, do you two have like every little thing planned yet or what?” Niall asks, jokingly.

“We actually just started to go over some stuff yesterday. Next Sunday we’re going to look at two venues down at the Cape. We were thinking a beachy, hotel vibe.”

“Ohh, I like that.” Sarah says. “That’ll be a bust weekend. Homecoming on Saturday, then taking that drive Sunday.”

“The busy season for the Cape is over, shouldn’t be any traffic. I bet we’ll get there in under an hour.”

“And we decided we’re gonna do like a small cake for us and then do cupcakes. Y/N already has an idea for a bakery.”

“Your mum should just make big batches of the dump cake.”

“Niall, I swear to god, do you just want the recipe?” You laugh.

“No, I only like it when she makes it.”

“It’s true. I asked her for it during Rosh Hashanah and I made for him, but apparently I didn’t do it right.” Sarah rolls her eyes.

“That’s so fucking rude, your girlfriend baked for you and you told her you didn’t like it?” You ask.

“Never said I didn’t like it. I said it was really good, it just wasn’t Lynn’s.” He shrugs. “You’re a very good baker, sweetie.” He smiles at her and she rolls his eyes again.

“You teach her to do that, or is that just another thing you have in common?” Harry says to you with a smirk.

“Harry, I’ve not rolled my eyes at you for a very long time. And Niall deserved it, so there.” You stick your tongue out at him.

“What is it with you and the rolling of the eyes, anyways?” Sarah asks. “Like there are worse things out there.”

“I just find it to be really disrespectful.” He shrugs.

“But I’ve seen you do it. Are you the only one allowed?” Sarah asks, crossing her arms.

“That’s right.” He smirks at her.

“Well, that’s stupid and so are you.” She smirks right back.

“Did one of your third graders teach you that comeback?” Sarah’s mouth falls open, and you can’t help but giggle. You always found it amusing when her and Harry would get under each other’s skin a little, like brother and sister.

“No, actually, it was your mother.”

Both you and Niall choke on your food. Harry’s mouth was agape, but he bursts out laughing.

“That was a good one, I have to admit, you got me, love.”

“Love playing tennis with you as always.”

You all finish up eating and go over to the couch to watch a movie. It was a rainy day so none of you minded lounging around. Buster starts to whimper when the rain falls a little harder.

“God, he must be scared of rain now.” You say. “Niall, do you mind if he sits on the couch with us? He wants to be on our laps.”

“Not at all.”

Harry whistles to Buster and pulls him up so his body is on Harry, and his head is in your lap. You both pet him to try and soothe him.

“Poor thing, how’s his leg?” Sarah asks.

“Much better. His checkup is this week.” Harry says.

“I’m hoping that same nurse isn’t working.”

“What nurse?” Niall asks.

“The nurse that was giving us all the information made me feel really embarrassed because I scolded Buster in front of her, and she goes miss…he’s a dog, but luckily Harry was there, he backed me up.”

“I would’ve been like and what about it?” Sarah says. “That’s your baby.”

“That’s exactly what I said.” Harry explains. “I’m the one takin’ him, his appointment is while you’re at work, remember?”

“Still…I don’t want her being rude to you too.”

“I don’t think she’d dare after I set her straight before.”

//

During his lunch break Monday, Harry took Buster for his checkup at the vet. The doctor was happy with his progress, and told Harry he should be just fine, and to keep taking it easy with him. Luckily, that same nurse wasn’t there.

“You did so good in there, Buster. Daddy’s gonna give yeh a treat when we get back to the studio.” Buster yips at Harry from the backseat.

Harry gets him inside the studio and grabs a treat from Isaac’s desk.

“How’d it go?” Isaac asks.

“Oh, he’ll be just fine. Sit Buster.” He complies and Harry gives him the treat. “That’s my good boy.” He pets the top of his head.

“So…apparently we’re going to Homecoming this weekend.” Mariah says to Harry.

“You don’t wanna go?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t go there…I feel like I’ll be bored.” She sighs.

“Seth and I are going too, maybe we can meet up.”

“You guys are goin’ too?”

“Yeah, I guess Seth goes every year. He was in a frat or something, so he goes to support his brothers or whatever.” He shrugs. “All I know is that I’m gonna look cute as hell in my new cardigan.” They all laugh. “I’m surprised all the girls didn’t go last year.”

“It’s not really Y/N’s thing.” Harry says. “Her intern really wants her to go so she can meet the director of alumni relations. He really wants to see her featured in their magazine, and so would I to be honest.” Harry’s phone starts to go off, it’s you. “Hey babe, what’s up?”

“How was Buster’s appointment?”

“It was really good, we just need to keep doin’ what we’re doin’ with him.”

“Okay, great. Thank you for taking him.”

“No problem.”

“Did you remember to eat?” Harry pauses. “I’ll take that as a no. Please remember to eat your lunch.”

“I will, I’ll go eat it now.”

“Okay, I gotta go. Love you!”

“Love you too.” He hangs up and sees Isaac and Mariah giggling. “Shut up.”

“Did she just have to remind you to eat?” Mariah asks.

“Can you blame her? I wouldn’t wanna come home to a hangry Harry.”

“You both are really annoying.” Harry huffs, and walks to the kitchen to grab his sandwich out of the fridge.

//

“There’s my boy!” Buster trots over to you once him and Harry are through the door. “Daddy said you did so good at the vet, I’m so proud of you.” His tail was wagging like crazy. “That’s right, you’re a very good boy.” You cup his hand in your hands and make kissy noises.

“What am I, chopped liver?”

“Blegh, I hope not, I hate chopped liver.” You giggle and go over to give him a kiss.

“Why do you know what that tastes like?” He asks, wrapping his arms around you.

“We eat it during Passover, well, I don’t. God, it’s disgusting.”

“We didn’t really do anything for Passover this year, did we?”

“No, I was in Aruba for most of it, remember?”

“Oh yeah.” He kisses your forehead and lets you go. “What do you want for dinner?”

“Hmm, how about I roast some veggies in the oven?”

“Sounds good to me.”

You and Harry prep the veggies and put whatever seasonings you like on them, along with some olive oil, and pop it in the oven.

“Wanna have rice with it?” He asks.

“Sure.” You shrug. “We can just make that one minute stuff when everything’s done in the oven.” You both sit down at the island.

“Isaac told him and Seth are going to Homecoming too…”

“Oh? That’s nice.”

“Seth didn’t tell you?” Harrys asks out of shock.

“No.” You shrug. “We don’t talk every day you know?”

“Thought you did.”

“Maybe when we first started talking again. We’re both very busy people. He’s probably going to hang with his old frat brothers.” You make a disgusted noise. “That was the most annoying thing about him, when he joined that frat. Although, that is how he got the best room in the apartment he was in senior year. He had his own bathroom and everything.”

“M’sure that was convenient for the two of you.” He says facetiously and you nudge his shoulder. “Teasing.” He says softly.

“Mhm.” You roll your eyes. “Anyways, seems like the whole gang’ll be there. I’ll have to pull out one of my old sweatshirts to show some school spirit.”

“The three of you walking in are gonna look like a gang.” Harry laughs. “M’surprised you weren’t in a sorority.”

“We might as well been our own little sorority. Do you wanna see a funny video from Homecoming our senior year? I was going through some of my old instas the other day and it made me laugh.”

“Sure.”

He leans in as you scroll to find the video. You were all outside day drinking, having a good time. Someone yells to you to dance a little, and you look around and pop your ass a couple times and then go back to doing what you were doing. You burst out laughing when it ends.

“You look absolutely faded.” Harry chuckles.

“We had started drinking so early, and we just kept going to keep a steady buzz. Anytime it was remotely nice out, Seth would have a party at his apartment and we’d all just gather outside on the lawn. It was so much fun.”

“We did similar stuff. There was really nothing better than sitting outside on a nice day and just getting hammered.”

“Mhm.”

“You were, uh, really thin back then.” He rubs the back of his neck.

“Oh, I know…I did not look as good as I thought. I think I only ate like one meal a day back then, it was so bad.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know exactly, maybe I wasn’t hungry, or maybe that’s just the life of a college student. I was going to the gym a lot too to run, so between that and barely eating…it wasn’t healthy at all. Clearly I wised up.”

“Yeah, I was sorta thin when I was in college too. I feel like I didn’t put any muscle on until after I graduated. I don’t think I was gettin’ enough protein.”

“That was probably part of my problem too.”

“Well, I’d love you know matter what you look like, I hope you know that.”

“Thank you.” You kiss him and hop down from your stool. “I’m gonna go put some sweats on.”

“Alright.” He watches you walk out.

He meant what he said, he really would love you no matter what. He loved the little dimples in your back, and the way he could grip onto your love handles when you were making love. He liked when you would grip onto his too.

You both enjoy your meal of veggies and rice, and after dinner Harry takes Buster for a walk so you can get some homework done. Harry reads from his book when he gets back to not distract you from your studies. When you finish you sigh and close your laptop, setting it down on the coffee table.

“What is it, baby?”

“Nothing, this professor is just giving us busy work. It’s pretty un-motivating.”

“Well, it’s done now right?”

“The first half of things yeah. I have to respond to a couple of people in a few days. My advisor seems to think I should finish over the summer, like August, so I’ll be able to walk in commencement in May if I want, but I probably won’t.”

“And why not?”

“Because I wouldn’t actually be done during it, it would be like a false congratulations.”

“I don’t think so at all. I think you should be celebrated for the work you’d already gotten done, so what if you’d still have a couple of classes to finish up afterwards?”

“Harry it would just be another weekend used up for something when we could be doing something else.”

“Well, I would very much like to celebrate you, so would you at least think about it?”

“Okay. I don’t have to decide until February anyways, that’s when the form is due.”

//

You were able to find one of your old college sweat shirts, so you throw that on with some cuffed jeans and a pair of tennis shoes. You throw some curls into your hair and brush them out so your hair looks wavy.

“Do you think we can bring Buster?” Harry asks, as he puts a sweatshirt of his own on.

“Yeah, there’s bound to be other dogs there too. Rach should be here soon to meet us. I’m a little annoyed that Mariah backed out on her.”

“She didn’t wanna go, no big deal.” He shrugs.

“Yeah, but you’re going, Niall’s going, and Isaac is even doing frat shit with Seth. What else does Mariah have to do today?”

“She doesn’t really like big crowds, Y/N. Rachel will have just as much fun with us.”

You all pile into Sarah’s SUV, including Buster, and head to your old campus. There a ton of people everywhere, but somehow Sarah finds a parking spot. The three of you had the same sweatshirt on, but you each still maintained your own styles. You check in at the registration tent, and head down the path towards the football field where most of the events would be happening. There were people of all ages around, and you look at Harry.

“Keep a tight grip on him, he’s never been around so many people.” He nods to you.

“I’m glad Mariah didn’t come, she’d be hyperventilating.” Rachel says. “I don’t remember there ever being so many people.”

“That’s because we were always too drunk by the time we got here, and we’d go right for the food tents.” Sarah says. “So where’s the alumni table that your intern so desperately wants you to stop by?”

“I have no idea.” You say squinting. “Oh! That tent over there maybe?” You point out. “I think that’s Zach sitting down.”

You all make your way over. You and Niall smile and wave at Zach, and he stands up to greet you both.

“I’m so glad you could make it! Hi Mr. Horan, I wasn’t expecting you to be here.”

“Mr. Horan.” Sarah giggles and Niall nudges her.

“Yeah.” You laugh. “Niall is actually one of my best friends.”

“Feel free to just call me Niall, Zach.”

“Right, sorry.” He rubs the back of his neck.

“This is Rachel and Sarah, they’re 2017 grads as well. Rachel came to film club sometimes too.”

“Awesome! Can you hang tight here for a second? I’m gonna go grab Russell, he’s the director.”

“Sure thing.”

“Help yourself to some water and doughnuts while you wait!” He walks away in search of Russell.

“I love free stuff, look at these stickers, I could use a new one for my car.” Sarah says.

Zach returns shortly with Russell.

“Russell, this is Y/N, the woman I was telling you about.”

“Hi! Russell Cohen, Director of Alumni Relations, nice to meet you.” He shakes your hand. “I’ve been meaning to email you, it’s just been so busy with all the planning of this.”

“Oh, it’s no worries. It’s nice to meet you too.”

“Zach tells me you gave quite the chat to the film club last week.”

“Got some pictures of it too, mate.” Harry chimes in.

“Pardon me, this is my fiancé Harry.”

“Nice to meet you.” They shake hands. “So, you’re over at Mark It, right?”

“Yes, I’m the Associate Director of Visual Media. I’ve been there just over three years now.”

“Do you happen to have a business card with you? We’re always looking for different stories in our alumni magazine. I feel like we feature the same stories all the time.”

“I do actually!” You reach into your back pocket and hand him one. “An alum from here actually helped me out in preparing for my initial interview there years ago.”

“Told you it was a cool story to tell, Russ.” Zach chimes in.

“Well, I’ll tell you what Zach, why don’t you work on conducting the interview. You could even do a digital piece for the online magazine, make a little video.”

“I’d love to!”

“Wait, so this is happening? You genuinely want me to be featured in the magazine?”

“Definitely. You’re a young, successful woman who has used her skills from our university to make a career for herself. Seems like you’re doing well in your personal life too. I’d like to showcase that. Zach sees you a few days a week anyways, so it’ll be easy enough to get some content together.”

“My friends here are both alums too.” You wave over to Rachel and Sarah. “They both graduated in 2017 with me, and are both teaching.”

“Oh great! What do you both teach?”

“I’m a high school art teacher in Brighton.”

“And I teach third grade in Dorchester.”

“Wow, that can’t be easy.”

“Some days are easier than others. I feel like I’m making a difference.” Sarah explains.

“Same here, they wanted to cut a lot of funding for my art program, but I wrote a letter requesting a grant, and we got it.” Rachel says.

“Seems like we have three strong women here, Zach.” Russell’s wheels are turning. “And the three of you were all friends in school, and stayed close.”

“Mhm.” You say. “We feel really lucky to have found each other.”

“My wheels are turning here, but I need to jump over to the cornhole tournament and make sure that’s all set up, and then I need to check on tailgate. I’d like to circle back with all three of you. I’ll contact you Y/N, and then maybe you could get me their information?”

“Sounds good.”

“Perfect, well, have fun today. Good work, Zach.”

Zach beams as Russell walks away.

“Thank you so much for coming to talk to him. I think I just got major brownie points. I really like the work I do for the office, and I’m hoping they’ll hire me on after I graduate.”

“Oh, well, if that’s the case I will for sure talk you up to him.” You say. “You guys ready to walk around a bit?”

“Yeah, I’m ready to hit up that beer garden.” Niall points it out.

“Now that is a great idea.” Sarah says.

“See you later Zach.” You wave to him as you all walk towards the beer garden.

You all show your ID’s and get in. You hang back with Buster while everyone else gets a beer.

“Is Y/N drinkin’?” Niall asks Harry when he sees that Harry only gets a drink for himself.

“Uh, yeah. She’s on a medication that can’t be mixed with alcohol.”

“Still?” Sarah asks.

“Yeah, it’s somethin’ she needs to take every day.”

“Is she okay?” Rachel asks.

“Yeah, perfectly fine.”

“Is it like an anti-depressant or something?” Sarah asks, taking a sip of her beer.

“Sarah.” Niall sighs. “If she wanted you to know, she would tell you, alright?”  

Niall didn’t know you were on meds, but he sure as shit had a clue what it was for, and he also knew it was something you’d want to keep to yourself. Everyone walks back over to you.

“Do you guys wanna check out the tailgate? Seth said he was grilling with his frat brothers.” You say.

“More free shit? Yeah, I’m down.” Sarah says.

You all make your way over, and you’re able to find Seth. Isaac waves to you and Harry. You smile as you hug him, and then you and Seth hug.

“Fair warning, I think you fucked half the guys here.” He whispers to you and he lets you go.

“What?” You whisper back. You look at the other alums there and your eyes grow wide. “Oh no.”

“Sorry, I should’ve texted you…I didn’t realize-“

“It’s okay, maybe they don’t remember me? I mean it would’ve been really long ago.”

“True.” He clears his throat. “Hey, Harry. How’s being engaged to the nicest girl in the world going?” He shakes his hand.

“Really good, thanks.” He smirks.

“You guys hungry, we have veggie burgers too.”

“That’d be great, Sethy, thanks.” You search for a cup to add some water to, and you bend over to give Buster a drink.

“Oh shit, that is Y/N!” Someone says and you stand right up and turn around. “Took me a second, but now I totally recognize you.” He laughs, clearly intoxicated.

“Alright, Billy, that’s enough.” Seth says.

Harry and Niall were extremely confused, while Sarah and Rachel stand beside you, cross armed.

“Chill, princess, she knows I’m just making a joke.”

“What did you just call him?!” You take a step forward. “Billy Meyers, I would strongly suggest you apologize.”

“What are you gonna do, break my nose like you did Ben’s?” He smirks.

“Notice how he’s not even here. He’s not allowed on campus anymore. Apologize to Seth, now.” He looks over at Harry, looks him up and down.

“You really do like the fruity ones, don’t you? Wish I had known-“ You take a deep breath and project as loudly as you can.

“BILLY MEYERS HAS A TWO INCH CHODE, BILLY MEYERS HAS A TWO IN CHODE!” The girls help you out and yell just as loud.

“Quit it! Shut up! Seth, tell them to stop!”

“Sorry, think I’m too fruity to do anything about it.” You tug Billy down by the collar of his shirt so he’s eye level with you.

“You were an immature fuck then, and you still are now. You should walk away now. Not only have you disrespected me, but my friend, and my fiancé, and I will not hesitate to shove my foot so far up your ass that you’ll be able to taste it.” He blinks at you and you let him go. “Walk away, Billy. Go to some other car.”

“Yeah, you’re not welcome here anymore.” Seth puts an arm around Isaac’s shoulder. “This frat is supposed to accept all people, but I think it’s time we made an exception for you. What do you guys think?” The other guys around all nod.

“Whatever, forget all of you.” Billy stumbles drunkenly away.

“Isaac, I’m so sorry you had to hear him say that.” Seth says to him.

“It’s okay, he’s been annoying all day, I’m just glad he’s gone.”

“Seth, are you alright?” You ask him.

“Yeah, I’m good, thanks.” You turn to Harry.

“I’m so sorry. Sometimes I forget people like that still exist.”

“I’m not even dressed…I don’t…I’m in a sweatshirt and jeans…” He looks down at his hands. His nails were pastel pink, and he had all of his rings on. “And my, my pearls are tucked in, I don’t…” He looks at Niall.

“Harry, he’s just an idiot.” You cup his face so he’ll look at you. “He’s gone now, let’s try to enjoy the tailgate, yeah?” You smile reassuringly at him.

“You fucked that guy?”

“No…I almost gave him a blowjob once, but I quite honestly didn’t know what to do with his micro-penis.” Everyone bursts out laughing.

“Yeah, that dude has a lot of internal issues, Harry…don’t take what he said to heart.” Seth says. “Alright, let me get back to the grill. There’s plenty of drinks too, you all can help yourselves.”

Rachel talks to a few of the guys she remembers being friends with, while Niall and Sarah chat with Isaac. Harry stays close to you, and has been really quiet. He only ate about half of his veggie burger.

“Hey, uh, let’s take him for a little walk.” You say to Harry and he nods. “We’ll be back in a little bit, just gonna let Buster stretch his legs.” You say to all of them. Once you’re away from the crowd and the loudness, you speak up. “Are you okay?”

“Not really.” Harry bites his inner cheek.

“Billy’s an idiot, Harry-“

“It’s not just him…it’s like I’ve been dealin’ with this my whole life.” He sighs. You both find an open picnic table to down at in the shade.

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve gotten bullied my entire life for comin’ off as…I don’t know, gay? I don’t even know why it fucking matters to me so much, I know who I am, and I know what I like. Why is it a big deal that I like to wear jewelry or paint my nails? Why is it a big deal if somedays I feel like dressin’ a little more masculine and or other days a little less? When I was in school it used to baffle the macho guys as to why so many girls wanted to hook up with me. My hair was long, and I supposed to them I looked girly, but it’s not my fault I just came off as non-threatening and I knew what I was doin’. I also actually took care of my body, like, some dudes I went to school with were nasty fucks.”

“A lot of guys have long hair, it’s come back in style.”

“You know what I mean though.” You nod. “I just thought I had grown out of caring what other people thought. There were even rumors that I was by or somethin’…I don’t know why people need a label for every little thing!” You blink away a few tears, you were trying to keep it together for his sake. “And look at me gettin’ all worked up, and Seth was cool as a cucumber.”

“Trust me, he’s just putting up a front for Isaac.” You rub his back. “Harry…none of that matters. If you know who you are then don’t let what one stupid idiot-“

“But it’s not just one person, Y/N! I mean if he took one look at me and deduced that it just makes me think like, what do other people think when they see us out, or like when we go to the spa together, what do those people think? They probably thing I’m like your gay best friend or something. And then I feel like a piece of shit for feelin’ that way because there’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ gay.”

“Harry, no one thinks that, and if they do so what?” He looks at you. “So you’re a little different, it’s what I love about you. You’re the least boring person there is, and I’m proud to call you my boyf, fiancé. Hell, I can’t wait to call you my husband. If someone has a problem with you, they can take it up with me.”

“I should’ve jumped in to defend you, but that guy paralyzed me.”

“It’s probably best you didn’t jump in because you probably would’ve actually hit him.”

“I would’ve walloped him.” He scoffs. “You really don’t care what other people think about us?”

“Not at all. Like I said, I’m proud to have you as the guy on my arm. I really am sorry that all happened. I hate seeing you so upset, baby.” You lean in a little closer to him so your lips are near his ear. “Every time we fuck, you always show how much of a man you are.” He looks at you and grins. You both kiss. “I hope when we get home you’ll show me again.” You say against his lips.

“I think that could be arranged.” He kisses you quick again and stands up. “Come on, I’m sure that’s where our friends think we are now.”

“Home?”

“No, off somewhere fuckin’.”

“Oh! You’re probably right.” You giggle.

You get back to your friends, and Seth hands Harry a beer.

“Thanks, mate.” Harry cracks it open and takes a sip.

“Y/N, there’s some seltzer water in the cooler too.”

“Thanks, Seth.”

The rest of the tailgate was really chill, and there was good music playing. It felt like old times a little. You and the girls were having a good time, dancing slightly where you stood when a good throwback would come on.

Seth wraps his around Isaac’s chest and rests his chin on his head.

“So, Harry, have you guys started planning anything yet?” Seth asks him.

“Yeah, we’re actually touring a couple of venues tomorrow. I think once we set a date we’ll work backwards, you know?”

“Makes a ton of sense.”

“Hey, Seth, some of the current pledges are coming by to say hi.” Someone says to him.

“Alright.” He kisses Isaac’s cheek and lets go of him.

“Cute.” Harry says.

“Harry…I think I’m in love. I know it’s only been a couple of months, but I think I love him.” Isaac says blushing. “I’ve never been with a guy like him before, he’s so comfortable and open.”

“That’s great. You should tell him how you feel.”

“Yeah.” Niall says. “Harry and Y/N said they loved each other only a couple months in.”

“Oh right, you two had a fight over the phone.”

“Harry!” You say, catching word of what they were saying. “You told him.” You pout.

“Really no other way to tell the story, love.”

“He didn’t tell me what the fight was over if that makes you feel better.”

“Why is this even being brought up?”

“Isaac’s in love with Seth.” Harry tells you. The girls squeal.

“Shh, what if he hears you?!”

“You have to tell him, Isaac.” Rachel says. “Mariah cried when I told her I loved her. I painted a picture of us together and it said I love us on it.” She swoons. “It’s hanging up right in front hall now.”

“What if he doesn’t say it back…I mean, I feel like he feels the same way, but I just don’t know.”

“You’ll never know unless you speak up.” Sarah says.

“Rip the band aid, mate.” Niall says.

“I’ve never felt this way before about anyone…” Isaac says shyly.

“Tell you what, we’ll all walk towards the game and give you two some privacy.” Harry says.

“You want me to tell him now?!”

“Tell me what?” Seth says coming back over to you all.

“We’re gonna go catch the end of the game, it was great seeing you!” You hug Seth, and everyone else also says goodbye. When you get a safe distance away you all stop to watch.

“That was awfully abrupt.” Seth says. “Is everything okay, babe?” He takes Isaac’s hand in his.

“Yeah, everything’s fine…I…just…” He sighs. “I love you, Seth.” Seth smiles and cups Isaac’s face in his hands and kisses him.

“I love you too, Isaac.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.” He kisses him again. “You’re silly, you didn’t need to be so nervous to tell me. It wasn’t obvious that I felt the same?”

“No!” He laughs. “Obviously not.”

“Well then, I guess I’ll just have to be more affectionate, won’t I?” He winks at him.

“Oh my fucking god, that was the cutest shit I’ve ever seen.” Rachel says as you all start to walk away.

“Right?! I’m so happy for them.” You say.

“Same here.” Harry gives you a pat on the back.

“Do we really need to watch the rest of the game? I’m about ready to leave.” Sarah says.

“Nah, we can go.” You say. “I wanna get Buster home.”

You all pile back into Sarah’s car, and head home. You thank her for driving before going into your building. Buster goes over to his water bowl immediately, and you refill it when he’s done.

“I can’t wait to go to the Ca-“

You’re cut off by Harry’s mouth on yours. He tasted like the beer he was drinking earlier, and you can’t help but suck on his bottom lip. His hands slide down to the backs of your thighs to lift you up. You wrap your legs around him while he carries you to your bedroom. He sets you down and climbs on top of you. His lips stay on yours while he unzips your jeans. His slips his hand inside your underwear and runs his fingers up and down your slit. You gasp when you feel his middle finger slip inside and the cool of his ring brushes up against you. He uses his other hand to tug your sweatshirt up over your breasts. He sucks his teeth when he sees your bra.

“If I wasn’t wearing one you’d be pissed.” You prop yourself up on your elbows to look at him.

“Take it off.”

You grin and do as he says, taking your sweatshirt and bra off, tossing them to the floor. He sucks on one of your breasts while he kneads the other, slipping a second finger inside you. Your head rolls back and you let out a groan. You grind yourself against his fingers and he looks down to watch you, the strain in his pants growing tighter. You were gasping and crying out from how good his fingers felt.

“Fuck, oh god!” You moan as you come on his fingers. “Please, fuck me Harry, need you.”

“Need you.” He stands up to take all of his clothes off. “To sit on my face first.”

You blush and sit up. Harry gets on the bed and lays down so you can place yourself on him. His scruff felt heavenly against you as you rode his tongue. You also loved the way he would moan as he lapped you up. You grip at your head board and cry out as you release again. You scoot down his body and plant kisses on his chest.

“Would you turn around and ride me? I love watchin’ your ass bounce up and down on me.”

You kiss him quick and nod. You turn around and line his hard, throbbing dick up with your center, and slowly sink down on him.

“Ah, babe, that’s it.” He moans, and grips your hips in his large hands.

You start to move up and down on him, and find a good pace. He thrusts up as you sink down on him and it hits you incredibly deep. You both could feel the bed moving underneath with how fast you were fucking each other.

“Fuck, Harry.” You moan.

“Keep goin’, baby, ridin’ me like a good girl.”  Your eyes widen, not that he could see. You look over your shoulder, and make eye contact with him. “I’m gonna come if you keep lookin’ at me like that.” He groans.

“Like what?”

“Like, oh fuck, Y/N!”

You gasp when you feel his come shoot up inside you. You wait a second to get off of him, and then you pad into the bathroom to clean yourself up. He reaches his arms out for you and you happily get back on the bed.

“How was I looking at you?” You ask softly. He rubs his thumbs lightly over your cheekbones.

“I don’t know, your eyes were all glossy and innocent.”

“You just surprised me when you called me that.”

“It slipped out, m’sorry if it made you feel weird.”

“It didn’t, I was just surprised.” You kiss him. “Everything you did felt so good, thank you.” You squish your nose to his.

“Please, I should be thanking you for the show you just put on. You have no idea how sexy your body is, darlin’.” His hands slide down your ass as you lay on top of him. “Do you think, uh, you’d ever let me?”

“Let you do what, honey?”

“You know…have a go at it.”

“Have a go at what?” You look up at him and he gets a better grip on your ass cheeks. “Oh!” Your face flushes. “To be honest…the thought of having your massive dick in my ass kind of scares me.” Harry can’t help but laugh.

“We could just ease into it. Like next time I finger you I could give you the shocker.”

“The shocker?”

“You’ve never heard of that? You know, two in the pleasure, one in the treasure?” You giggle against him. “I’d have two fingers in your cunt, and my pinky in your ass.”

“I think I could be open to that…”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I mean, what’s a pinky?” You hold on of his hands up and compare your pinky to his and sigh. “Even your fingers are massive.”

“They’re just swollen from my rings…I actually think they’re pretty skinny.”

“They’re not.” You kiss his hand. “But I’m not complaining.”

[daesthete]

guess the TWENTY THREE OLD JANUARY baby just arrived to dallyeog! it makes sense, because ONG DAEJUNG is just as UNEXPECTED as the month of JANUARY. wait, why do they remind me of HWANG HYUNJIN? beyond that, they seemed CONFIDENT AND PRACTICAL upon first glance. i heard someone say they’re sort of STUBBORN AND RESERVED though. i hope they get acquainted here in APT. 1 / FLOOR 2 ; they seem to have a lot going on with HIS job as CHOREOGRAPHER AND DANCE INSTRUCTOR. 

hello! sorry it took me so long to get this done but work. my name’s lu and i’m really excited to be here with none other than my incredibly piece of work daejung. i’m in the -5/6 tz (idk anymore bcs of the dls). i’m a little slow with the messages, but i’ll eventually get to them pls be patient with this old hag. my boy’s stats, personality, background are all up and here you’ll find a tldr of his background (because it’s a long read and i’m incredibly sorry, idk when to shut up). meanwhile, here’s a trivia and down below it, some plots and prompts.

trivia:

⇢ his mom is the one behind his love for dancing, being a dancer herself back when she was in high school, though from a very different discipline; ballet. this is one of the many reasons why he was a better relationship with her than his father. 

⇢ he’s danced his whole life, but stopped doing it once he entered middle school and mostly because his new friends made fun of it, saying it was lame and such, which made him insecure regardless of his mother reassuring words. 

⇢ the reason he struggled so much with college were the theory-based classes and this is a burden he’s carried his whole life. however, in more practical classes, he was outstanding. reason why he wasn’t expelled from college neither losing his scholarship.

⇢ he’s pretty decent at playing other sports such as basketball and soccer, but after an injury that seemed worst than what it really was, he got really scared of getting hurt and unable to dance, so he’s very cautious in those rare occasions he decides to play.

⇢ got obsessed with videogames back in the states and only recently he got his very first playstation ever. he likes fps and rpg games, his favorites right now are overwatch and the witcher 3: wild hunt.

⇢ he’s a pretty decent neighbour... except when he isn’t. most of the time, he’s mindful of not disturbing the others, but every now and then he likes to throw very loud parties at his place just for the sake of it and they run till very early in the morning. 

⇢ daejung is not a morning person. even though he wakes up at 7am sharp, it’s not advised to make long conversations with him before this, the most he will respond with is a hum or an inaudible mumble. 

⇢ has several playlists on his phone, all for different reasons, moods and occasions. he can spend hours trying to curate the perfect playlist and loves sharing this with people he’s close to. if he likes you and you two have a good friendship, it’s really likely that he has a playlist with your name. 

⇢ likes covering dances a lot, especially those with more challenging choreographies and has a collection of videos he’s filmed, but never seen the light. sometimes she shares clips of them on his instagram account and has considered several times to open his own channel. it’s a thought that constantly sits on his mind.

⇢ despite his overall behaviour and attitude, he’s really good at teaching, especially kids. he’s learnt to be patient and professional in the practice room and he often wishes that could translate to his personal life. he’s trying to be better though. 

⇢ really values his job for all the opportunities it's brought and all the doors it's opened for him. he feels like he’s finally found purpose.

⇢ his family however it’s a really sensitive topic for him and will avoid talking about any of them, especially his mom. his relationship with his father is improving though, they have little moments in the waiting room whenever daejung visits his mom. his sister, on the other hand, doesn’t want to see him at all, and neither does he. they’ve said pretty awful and hurtful things to each other. there’s a part of daejung that wants to fix the relationship but he’s too prideful to. 

plots:

ex-best friend ( f / m ) open

the worst part was that there wasn’t even an argument, not a proper one. no big blow out, no screaming words of closure. they just stopped talking and as the days turned to weeks, then to months both had no idea how to breach the chasm between them anymore even when you wanted to. daejung might’ve seemed disinterested but it was because he didn’t want to dwell in the sadness that losing his best friend brought along. ​

​it’s tough ( f / m ) open.

ever since his mom was diagnosed with leukemia, the ong family visited the hospital constantly. the first year was the most difficult. daejung found it hard to stay in the room for more than few minutes as the doctors went over the treatment and such, reason why he preferred to stay in the waiting room. they were there one day (reason is up to the typist). somehow both ended up pouring their hearts out about how difficult everything was and bonded over sorrows and crude jokes.

polaroids ( f / m ) open

daejung’s gotten as a birthday present an instant camera and likes to snap photos of what he finds beautiful. one day he decides to take a picture of this beautiful, old fashioned building that you happen to be standing near. you notice that daejung is taking pictures. “well if you wanted to take my photo just ask.” daejung clarifies that it isn’t the case. regardless, you continue and even strike some poses, saying that you’re ready for your photo to be taken, making daejung laugh for a while, eventually agreeing to take a photo.

​short plots:

⇢ someone gave me a fake phone number and it’s actually yours. ⇢we hate each other but we both have a mutual friend so we have to put up with each other. ⇢while playing video games, a fight broke out over who got to be player ⇢ one and who player two, it escalates into something reminiscent of a war between them. ⇢ we had plans to do something fun, only to have those plans gone horribly wrong

dialogue prompts:

⇢ “you’re making a mistake.” “and that’s very on-brand of me.” ⇢ “this is without a doubt the stupidest plan you’ve ever had. of course i’m in.”  ⇢ “how long do you think it’ll take me to get arrested?” “what is this, a competition?” ⇢ “you had best rethink that sentence and try again, buddy." ⇢ "if you want me out of the way then move me yourself." ⇢ "okay okay, i can only handle so much sappy crap in one night.” ⇢ “i apologize for him. he has a severe case called….douchebag.” ⇢ “contrary to popular belief, I’m actually quite competent.” ⇢ “well, well, well… who the fuck are you?” ⇢ “i hate to disagree with you—” “please. you love to disagree with me. it’s your favorite thing in the whole world.”

[isabeladraws]

this took longer than i wanted to, hopefully you don’t mind! i wanted to make a big thread of random thoughts that came into my head. i decided to answer this way so i can put a cut and people don’t have to read this ridiculously long post!

sunday and beckett pregnancy hcs 🌷👶✨

beckett knows sunday is pregnant before herself. during her period week he knows her mood changes and how horny she sometimes can be. her period is very regular and he knows what to expect and how to comfort her during it. but, it never came. he was busy himself and didn’t realise it until that time of the month was well past them.

“sunday, is everything alright with… you know.. your period?”

“what do you mean?”

“it’s late. your period is never late”

“i think it might be from stress of the games. it’s been madness!”

beckett didn’t seem reassured but he let it go. she knows her body better than he ever could. sunday however was starting to have doubts so she buys a pregnancy test and wouldn’t you freaking know it… it’s positive.

beckett knows when sunday looks at him after she takes that test. he doesn’t even have to see it to believe when she says “you were right… i’m pregant, b”

he hugs her like never before, lifting her off the ground, swaying her in his arms. beckett cries a little, sunday does too. the shock is so big, it wasn’t planned but at the same time, very wanted.

“only beckett harrington to figure out when a girl’s period is late”

“hey, it’s a great few days for said beckett harrington”

“well, too bad they won’t be happening for a while”

“i wouldn’t change a thing, sunday. i love you”

“i love you t- WHAT IF IT’S TWINS BECKETT????!! we cannot handle two babies at once, can we?? omg mom is going to freak out, and atlas… we’re gonna be PARENTS! BECKETT WHY ARE YOU SMILING, YOU NEED TO FREAK OUT WITH ME!!”

they only tell atlas and shreya during the first trimester. sunday knew atlas wouldn’t be able to keep the secret from shreya and shreya would figure it out in 10 minutes anyway. they’re happy to have someone to talk to about it.

it’s the 6 week apointment, sunday had only had a blood test to confirm the pregnancy and passed with flying colors. beckett was with her of course and they were excited to see baby.

the doctor found one baby and they smiled, everything looked healthy and 10 seconds later the doctor is like oh looks like there’s two! oh my mistake, there are three babies in there!

beckett didn’t faint because he was already sitting down. sunday saw her life flash before her eyes.

“what?” said both of them

“yeap, three heartbeats, it’s too early to tell if they might be identical or not”

“are you absolutely sure, doctor?” asked beckett

and the doctor showed them in the ultrassoung machine, three black voids filled with a white dot each and their pulsing hearts. they were having triplets.

i believe pregnancy with multiples need to monitored way more often than ones with just one baby so regular appts for these two. beckett hates missing them but they’re both busy

beckett would still be studying and working freelance (i still have no concrete idea what his job would be, maybe something with writing/research?)

sunday is told to slow things down so she takes a break from the team before quitting altogether 

i haven’t decided on the triplets birthday yet but i’m leaning torwards scorpio/sagittarius season (maybe aries season too?)

beckett and sunday still travel quite a bit 

sunday feels pretty great for the most part, i think the hardest part of her pregnancy is towards the end

beck really wanted to take a photo of sunday each week and see the growth of their babies;  he made a whole album with his thoughts and hopes for their family and gave it to sunday after the babies were born

they travelled to quite a few places during the 9 months, maybe 6 to 7 different locations. sunday being at home more and feeling pretty good during the 2nd trimester they took a few roadtrips to places close to them

atlas and shreya moved out of their shared apt so beckett moved in with sunday right before they found out they were pregnant

i don’t know if they’d be married at this point in time or not

they would have been living together before getting pregnant, sunday would spend most of her time at beckett’s place but she wasn’t “officially” moved in because she travelled quite a bit due to thief and the games 

to me, for some reason, their lives seem hectic and busy af after graduating, everything happens at once for them

getting signed with a thief team, beckett getting acknowledged for his skills and scoring independent jobs and working on his masters, sunday is travelling all the time

i feel like beckett one day, in the midst of all the business, while they were still half asleep in bed was just like “marry me” and sunday thought she was actually dreaming. there was no way this boy was asking her to marry him right now 

“what” she kinda giggled “marry me” he sounded so serious she woke up and sit up

they stayed in silence just staring at each other for a while until they started smilling and the thought really sank in, it was barely morning 

“sunday, marry me” 

“i think i’ll need to hear that again a few more times”

did they elope later that afternoon?? WHO KNOWS 

back to your scheduled programming of pregnancy with triplets:

sunday got real swolen, painfully swolen at some point in time. 

weird cravings of butternut squash everything. beckett became quite good at using it in a variety of recipes

sunday really missed her job during her pregnancy and felt quite lost. she felt her only purpose was to carry these kids around and moan back pain every 5 minutes. 

but she also realised she didn’t want to do thief after becoming a mother. that chapter felt like it was closing for her and she needed to take a step foward into a new career path (i have yet to figure it out)

very cranky and moody sunday. she also hated getting advice from her mom on her pregnancy. it would just annoy her

atlas got real good at getting these two away from each other

god atlas as an AUNT wow

she really started to fear sunday at the end of her pregnancy like... the look sunday would give when she was pissed off ... oof 

atlas and beckett are the only ones sunday wanted with her when it was delivery time

i imagined it was most likely a c-section? would there be more “innovative” ways in the magick world to give birth?? 

moving on that’s not important

beckett studies pregnancy yoga intensely so he can teach sunday

tmi.. or nsfw... sex is pretty fun 

sunday thinks it will be 2 girls and one boy, the girls being identical 

beckett thinks it’s 3 girls

they restored their baby blanket atlas found and used it in the nursery

sunday and beckett did not find out the sexes of the babies until birth

(it was a bet. sunday was actually the one that was DYING to find out and lost)

shreya was the only one that guessed correctly (2 boys 1 girl) 

bougie ass baby gifts from shreya. special one of a kind super gentle lotion, shampoo. baby shoes, oils and butters for stretch marks, blankets with their names on it, literally you name it

there’s something about baths... sunday would never take them but it became nighttime ritual at some point

beckett is very aware of people’s names now that he has to name 3 kids and is VERY opinionated 

he even starts to question his name, sunday’s name, everyone else around him “you have a such a weird name sunday, what was theia thinking” “COME SAY THAT TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE’S FACE, HARRINGTON”

sunday needs to pull a break on that for a while so they stop throwing name ideas for a few weeks 

they agree on marlow first, sunday suggests it and beckett isn’t much of a fan until he finds himself using it in his head. when he sees his baby boy he knows it’s his name 

they had one unexpected visit from the sources to congratulate sunday and beckett on the pregnancy and marriage. i’m pretty sure gemma called selene’s wood attunement.

sunday does not want anyone touching her belly but she’s kinda anxious about it so atlas is always ready to fight somebody’s hand off

god can u imagine these sisters coming this far in their lives, sunday is going to be a mother, atlas an aunt how happy atlas is to be able to see a future she thought would be lost after so many years of running from raife and the heartache and loss. I AM EMOTIONAL. 

doting aunt atlas like she SPOILS these kids to death

katrina might have a kid of her own at this point in time, since she’s older than beckett? sunday would appreciate her advice way more in comparision to her mother’s. (i could also see katrina not wanting kids but i don’t know if she has hinted either way)

beckett’s family has been a bit harsh when it comes to sunday’s job but she wins everyone over eventually so they do find themselves falling in love with her. they find sunday so warm and kind and easy to talk to. his parents are so happy to be grandparents of three kids no less, and are prepared to spoil them to bits. 

i can see her with the harringtons spending the summer together, his mother talking about when beckett was a baby himself which seemed not that long ago. 

the boys share a room in their grandparent’s house while selene has one of her own once they’re about 5/6 years old. while they’re toddlers, they do sleep in the same room together. 

they really do dote on these kids. beckett has never seen them this affectionate before in his life. 

beckett’s father and jett bond very nicely. both are a fan of sports. 

zeph and griff give sunday and beck so many delicious homecooked meals they can freeze for after birth but also to eat whenever they want. 

zeph got the tendency of showing up like “my abuela cooked extra this week so i thought i’d give you some for dinner”

they do not complain once. the meals are delicious

zeph really enjoys babysitting the kiddos, especially as they get a bit older and start to waddle around, speaking gibberish you understand but not really. the kids are really impressed by his water tricks. bath time is a mess (with him and in general tbh)

beckett and sunday have one big fight during the pregnancy. sunday is feeling lost and weird about her career, job, path in general and beckett always has something to say instead of just listening which frustrates them both. they fight all day the first time but can’t go to sleep angry so they talk it out during the night. neither of them has much sleep but they settle things down, beckett just listens and explains where he came from, apolagizes, sunday too, they figure it out in the end. this comes up again but sunday just points it out to him what he’s doing and he’s like “my bad, babe”. 

sunday eats pretty much plant-based during the pregnancy apart from having a few eggs here and there. she has this aversion of meat, it sounds disgusting to her (marlow’s influence?) 

beckett sings to the babies a lot, sunday falls asleep to it often

i can see beckett having choir lessons when he was younger and actually being a pretty good vocalist

atlas buys baby things ALL THE TIME. goes jogging, sees a random store “oh sunday i found this dumb ass onesie, here” “i saw this arylu plushie and thought the kids would like it” “this muslin cloth has cat butts on it, let me get that 1 for each kid” sunday literally doesn’t need to buy anything because everyone is buying them baby stuff 24/7 

shreya planned the baby shower where they basically just asked for diappers and ended up with high-tech baby stuff, beckett was actually pretty intrigued by some of them

massages. everyone that goes into that apt just sees beckett rubbing some lotion on sunday and massaging some area in her body, feet, back, legs. towards the end it’s a must if sunday wants to walk around for more than 20 minutes without being in pain.

if you finished reading this, congratulations! here, have a 🍄.

this is already so freaking long and even though i feel like i could get some more hc’s going i’m gonna stop here and save any that i find important for another post. let me know what you guys think and don’t mind the typos too much  I’M SICK🙈

[bellatrixobsessed1]

The Art Of Remembrance (Part 14)

“You should be happy! It was progress.” Sokka smiles.

“Minimal progress might as well be no progress at all.” Azula returns his expression with a frown that is just as dreary as his smile is hopeful.

“That’s not true.” Sokka insists. “I think that all Katara and Aang needed was a little sign. They’ll go easier on you now. And Zuko seemed pretty worried when he thought that you left again.”

Azula folds her arms across her chest.

“I think Toph likes you.” He tries.

“Maybe…”

“Did you sleep better last night?” He asks.

For the first time in weeks, her sleep wasn’t plagued with nightmares. She doesn’t recall having woken up at all in the night. She isn’t sure if she should attribute this to Sokka sleeping on the floor next to her bed, or the weight it had taken from her to have finally tried to form a friendship or two. At the very least, she had the pleasure of overhearing her brother suggest that they give her a chance before sending her off to the institution again. She has time and a chance now.

“I did.” She replies.

“Do you know how hard it is to talk to you when you only reply with two words?”

Azula shrugs.

“Or none at all.”

“Difficult, I suppose.”

“Three words! You’re being generous today!”

Azula rolls her eyes. Truly, she doesn’t want to be entertained by the man’s antics, but she finds that she is, more or less anyhow. Though her generosity fades, not particularly a spiteful gesture so much as it is that her mind begins to wander away from the present again. She hasn’t dreamed of the vines nor the men, so she thinks of them in waking. The nagging desire to find out what has happened to her only grows with each rise of the sun. “Sokka?” She says quietly.

“Yeah?” “I think that I do need to go back there…”

This time it is Sokka who frowns. “You’re not crazy, Azula, you just…”

She rises her hand to silence him. “I never said that I am. But if I don’t go back there then I won’t find out what happened to me. I need to know and as far as I know, you can’t recant that story.” She tries to gauge his expression. “So I’ll have myself transferred back there and I’ll figure it out. It can’t be too hard to convince everyone that I need to go there again…”

“I don’t like it.”

“Don’t like what?”

“Your plan.”

“Then come up with a better one.”

“Maybe I can come with you?”

“The last I checked, you are perfectly stable.”

“The more time I spend with you, the less true that is.”

“You’re hilarious, Sokka.” She replies flatly.

Though all sarcasm is lost on him, or ignored, when he boldly declares, “humor is my specialty.”

“I’m not looking for humor right now. I’m looking for a plan.”

“And I gave you one. You can get yourself locked up and I can get myself a job as one of the doctors.”  He pauses. “I’d feel a lot safer if you didn’t go in alone. What if they try to wipe your memories again.”

She shrugs and it slips out before she can hold her tongue, “then I won’t have to constantly guess how much of what you say is true.” She cringes at the hurt etched onto his face. “I won’t have to think about that conversation with Toph either.” She tries, but as per usual her delivery saps the humor from her jest.

“I’m trying to help you, you know that right?” Sokka asks. “It’s awfully hard to do that when you keep…”

Azula makes an effort to ignore whatever he is about to accuse her of. “You’re the hardest person that I’ve ever tried to get along with!” He throws his hands up. “And I think that you’re trying to make it hard for people to like you!”

She is in no mood for a fight and yet she can’t bring herself to let him have the last word. “Then just leave me to my plan.”

.oOo.

He rubs his hand over his face. One of them is going to have to concede if they are going to get anywhere and he knows that Azula is too stubbornly proud to give him an inch. He lifts his hands in surrender. “Alright, alright, you win. I’m the jerkbender here.”

“Stop saying that.” She mutters.

“I just...can you just try to trust me. I helped you talk to the rest of the gang, right?”

Azula purses her lips for a moment. “You did, yes.”

“So trust me on this too.” He requests. “You can go looking for answers, but you don’t have to do it alone.”

Azula brushes her finger over the place where pinky had been, he doesn’t know what it says that she would rather look at that than him. Finally she pulls her gaze away from her hand and meets his eyes. “Fine, but we do this…”

“Your way?” I figured as much. “I’ll fill Zuko in.”

Azula nods. “If things don’t go well, you’ll send word to him that it is time for me to come home again.”

“That was part of the plan.” Sokka smiles. At least some of his fears begin to subside. Control is key, if they can keep the situation under their control then it will be well. He can take comfort in that Azula still seems rather apt at doing just that.

He makes off to leave the room, and leave Azula to change into her day clothes. But before he does he turns back. It is more of an impulse than anything, scooping her into a small hug and patting her head. “I’m glad that we didn’t fight today.”

“Yeah.” Azula mutters, her cheeks are a gentle pink.

When he returns to the room with Zuko, he has to take pause and recollect the nature of their plan. Even a full awareness of it doesn’t prepare him for how well she dresses the part. Her hair is tousled, he thinks that she simply hasn’t bothered to comb it. And she wears the outfit that she has dressed herself in, in an unsettlingly  haggard sort of manner. But it is her eyes that throw him off the furthest. She already had a weary look from her sleepless nights, but the bags beneath them were beginning to fade. Now she wears her makeup in a fashion that brings them out and seems to ever so subtly sink her cheeks.

For a startling moment, he almost thinks that she is truly gone again, he can sense Zuko going rigid next to him. His moment of fear comes to an end when she greets them, “have you already arranged a ship?” Her voice is refreshingly smooth and calm.

“Yes, we’ve called for one, they’re expecting you within the hour.” Zuko nods.

“They’re also expecting one brand new, dashingly handsome doctor, appointed by the firelord himself.” Sokka declares.

Azula quirks a brow, “dashingly handsome?”

He elects to ignore her sarcasm once more. “Glad you agree.” He slings an arm around her. Honestly, the twin expressions of entertainment truly serves to drive home that he is working with two cranky siblings. “Oh come on, you guys have to admit that I look dashing in this imperial firebender armor.”

“Dashingly ridiculous.” Azula grumbles.

“Good thing you’re into dashingly ridiculous.”

“Gross.”

.oOo.

The docks are abuzz with fishermen and tradesmen both arriving and departing. Her ship is waiting for her at the very end of the pier, nearly out of sight, just as they like to keep their mentally unsound.

But Azula is seen plain as day right now, and for it she is fixed with many a unkind glares and glowers. Looks that ranged from pity to disgust to complete revulsion. And only for the assumption that she needs help to get herself back on track. She likes to think that they simply remember her for her misdeeds, but she has an inkling that they do have a general aversion to those of questionable mental standing.

Act or not, the princess finds herself feeling somewhat uncomfortable under all of their judging glances and double takes. Apparently it is a source of entertainment to see her being paraded about in study handcuffs. Sturdy as far as they can tell; the cuffs and chains are actually relatively loose around her wrists, a consoling reminder that she isn’t truly being shipped away again.

Another reminder comes in the form of how kind and light, Zuko’s touch is on her back. She almost freats that if someone were to stare for too long, that they’d realize it is all just for show. Sokka’s arm, linked in hers, is a little rougher--carelessly so rather than maliciously.  

As they near the ship, the crowd begins to thin, until only a few stragglers pass them by and they are quick to step out of the way. She thinks that her stance might have grown taunt because, when they find themselves a safe distance from the crowd, Sokka iquires, “you doing okay?”

Azula nods, “well enough, all things considered.”

Zuko squeezes her shoulder. She peers up at him and he gives her a reassuring smile. “Your plans usually always went well for you, if that helps.”

It doesn’t really, not when her mind can’t add meaning to his reassurance. But she nods affirmatively anyhow, lest she deter him from trying to help her when she has only just begun to receive such gestures.

The ship now looms directly in front of them, casting a large shadow over them. She expects a burly, bushy-browed man to emerge from the ship. Instead a rather wirey looking girl with frizzy hair and spectacles greets them. “It is nice to see you again, Zuko. And it is good to see that you have found your sister alive and…” she gives Azula a once over and force the word, “...healthy.” She takes a brief pause before adding, “relatively speaking.”

Azula can’t help but feel faintly annoyed by the remark.

“She’ll be fine, she just needs time. Bozan is usually pretty good at keeping her calm.” Zuko gestures to Sokka. “Which is why it’s crucial to let them speak at least once in the morning and once at night.”

“Noted, your majesty.” The woman dips her head. She draws a needle.

Azula suppresses a flinch.

“Sedation isn’t necessary.” Zuko says perhaps too quickly. “She’s been cooperative, I don’t think that we should risk agitating her.”

She could applauded him for his save.

“If you’re sure.”

“I am.” He says firmly. And to her he says, “good luck, I’ll see you at home when you recover.”

Yes, when she has recovered what she has lost, she adds silently to herself. She gives him no acknowledgement other than a forced snarl. She isn’t entirely sure that the hurt on his face is feigned. It looks rather genuine. Perhaps she is playing the part jarringly well.

The woman’s hand replaces Zuko’s and, Sokka trailing behind, she finds herself climbing the ship’s ramp. They pull it in and steal away any thoughts of back out.

[tellywoodtrash]

Went and binged the rest of the week’s eps of Sanjivani...

... thanks to updates/messages sent to me by @ambar-pe-milte-hain (giving me some brilliant insight into the OG Sanjivani, since I didn’t watch that one) and I gotta say, I’m kinda hooked. Purelyyyyyyy for the senior characters of Shashank/Anjali/Juhi. They’re truly the most compelling part of the show. Mohnish as Dr. Shashank is the soul of the show, and I really hope he’s not going anywhere. He instantly elevates every single scene he’s in, no matter whom he’s sharing it with. The camaraderie he shares with every character we’ve seen him interact with (even the antagonistic Vardhan) is just head and shoulders above the rest of the show. His soft eyes and gentle jokes have me pulled in and I’m just so so so invested in him already.

I must admit that my brain has almost completely wiped DMG and its canon from the memory stores (probably a self-preservation technique) but I really don’t remember this much nuance to the Shashank/Anjali relationship in it. They touched upon a little of course (about Anjali’s initial resentment of Riddhima being Shashank’s pet), but I really don’t recall them going much into Anjali’s psyche about being the daughter of two very esteemed surgeons and the pressure she feels to live up to their legacy. They seem to be touching upon that nicely here, and Sayantani seems so apt for the role. She switches between petulant and sulky about her perceived oversight for COS, and soft and concerned daughter so seamlessly. (Gotta say, having been in her position IRL, it felt very authentic - the fear and trying to be strong and even the anger, all driven by an immense amount of helplessness and most of all, love. She truly captured it so well.) She has the most complex character in the show, oscillating in shades of grey - especially her complex wrt. Juhi; on an objective level, she knows Juhi is the best option given her expertise, but struggles on a personal level because she feels like her father respects Juhi more as a doctor than he does her. And she’s trying to make her peace with it in the current situation, but it’s simmering within her. I really really hope they do this character justice and don’t turn her into a caricature “villain” of some sort. (I live in the perpetual fear of my favt. female characters eventually being ruined by Tellywood. It’s mostly inevitable.)

I don’t know much about Juhi (beyond what’s on the Sanjivani wiki entry) but I’m already sold on her. Her trepidation/nervous excitement when coming back was palpable, and the way she instantly fell back into the easy bond she shares with Shashank, ugh my heart. Y’all know I’m a sucker for platonic bonds that are well done and I can already tell that Shashank/Juhi are going to be the relationship that hit the sweet spot for me, if all goes well in the show. I’m also intrigued at her life after the first show. (How did her career develop post-Sanjivani? Is she still with her husband? Do they have a family? I don’t want to SEE her personal life as such, but a mention to make the character’s background a little richer would be nice.)

Vardhan is almost comical in his villainy (that constant single AirPod, lmao - a surefire douche marker); surely a CFO has more to do than just keep sauntering around the hospital all day, making small talk and sidey comments to the medical staff? Rohit plays the slime well, but I’m just not into these kinda characters; they bore me with their one-note personalities. He’d be more interesting if he was actually what he said to Dr. Shashank - that they just have different POVs, but he does respect Shashank as a doctor and human being. But nope, he’s just a skeezy dude waiting to get the power he’s been kept from so far, by waiting for a well-respected and honest man to die. Gross. Also, what’s his equation with Anjali? I really really REALLY hope it’s not veering towards romantic. Anjali deserves someone way better (LIKE A GROWN UP DR. ATUL JOSHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Petition to have Pankit Thakker back in the role!)

Sid and Ishani and the other junior doctors remain side-eye worthy and the weakest part of the show. I only really liked them in their scenes with Dr. Shashank after they find out about his diagnosis. I hate Sid a little less (though I’m still not all the way over to actually liking him) because he seems to have a better balance of personality - mostly laid-back and chill (almost unnaturally so?) but appropriately somber when needed. (Namit is quite wooden-faced when not doing his signature smirk, but I’m holding out hope that he’ll get better in the coming weeks. He seems likable in the off-screen interviews and I’m counting on him loosening up as he grows more comfortable in the role.) Ishani still remains grating as ever, doing whatever the fuck as she pleases (SHE DID A WHOLEASS SURGERY WITHOUT DIAGNOSTIC SCANS, BASED ON A HUNCH?!?!?!? THE SECOND SURGERY OF THAT DAY WHERE SHE WENT AGAINST A SENIOR RESIDENT!!!!!), and mostttttt irritatingly, wasting time following any given senior in the hospital whether it be Anjali or Vardhan hellbent on getting someone to listen/validate her complaint about Sid. She may be a diagnostic genius (a little hard to believe that this first year resident has diagnosed 3, 4 cases - all of which successfully baffled her seniors - on her very first day) and has a “reason” for her being such a stickler for rules, but I really cannot sympathize with the character at all when watching the scenes. She’s just very unlikable as a person so far. I’m really hoping they mellow down her character a bit just so that I can tolerate her in the scenes Shashank isn’t there to temper her bellicosity. Asha is likable but her constant exasperation with “Babydoll” Ishani is kinda getting old. Rishabh is kinda whatever - doesn’t really make a big impression on me except that he seems to be some kinda personality combo of Sid + Vardhan, and I had to go look on Wikipedia to find the name of that resident doctor from Ep 1 who hasn’t been seen since (Kunal Bhan as Dr. Rahil Shekhar, in case you were wondering too.) I guess the other junior characters will enter next week, which already has me clutching my head coz lord, this show is going to be overcrowded as fuck. I sure as hell am not going to care about 70% of these characters and am going to get quite pissy when forced to watch them in lieu of the characters I am actually interested in.

The medical cases are largely boring so far; I was only invested in Shashank’s case this week. And next week seems to be ripped straight from Grey’s Anatomy with that impaled on a pole waala case. But because it’s Tellywood, there’s also some kinda random riot brewing that an ousted Sid comes and saves Ishani from (resulting in classic RK pose, of course), and Rishabh and Vardhan seem to be up to some nefariousness that I don’t really care for. So yeah, I’ll continue watching it for now and all, but with liberal fast forwarding. Won’t be writing on it unless I feel compelled to by a particular scene or something, but I’m open to discussing the show with you guys via asks, if you’d like to!

[evenonelife]

2019, Year of the Pig

A friend of mine has a tradition of writing reminisces of the year past at the beginning of the new year. I have avoided doing the same for previous years for a variety of reasons, but as one resolution I have for myself is to be more aware of my self - to be less adrift - I decided to try to puzzle through what 2019 meant to me. Forgive me if this rambles, I have always been more ordered with my external thoughts than my internal ones. And this is for myself in any case. To my friend I am shamelessly imitating, you know who you are - forgive me my indulgence. This will be lengthy - I have never been concise. 

2019 at the core was a year where some stability was returned to my life. 2016 to 2018 were the three darkest years of my life for a slew of reasons too personal to go into here and it felt at times like I would never find my way out of that depression. I really owe more than I can express to a handful of friends that gave me a desperately needed outlet of emotion that otherwise just festered while I lived alone in a strange new place. 

BUT, in late 2018 and through 2019 things did start to get better. I left my quiet apartment and moved in with three girls that I had never met before in a leap of faith to stave off the unbearable solitude that I was struggling with. I may not have made the connections that I had hoped for with those girls, we just have too little in common, but the hint of community that it gave me meant and still does mean a great deal to me. It was also around that time that I started playing DND regularly, and the creative outlet was honestly so meaningful that in the beginning there were several nights where we would end our call and I would be in tears over how much it meant to me.

I say all this to provide myself the necessary mental background to come back to 2019 and just what kind of year it was. 

Professionally - 2019 was my second full year in what was my first full-time ‘professional’ job. One somewhat related to my college degree. The greatest positive change in that role certainly was in how I through necessity came to be the authority in the office on a couple of points of business. This meant that I was invested in the outcome and not merely acting as a cog in the machine. The job certainly was not my dream job, something that I don’t really have a firm hold on anymore, but it was better and it made me feel more confident in myself and in how I dealt with those around me. 

More relevantly and recently I was contacted by someone who wanted me to work for them. Me! I was contacted, not doing the contacting! The pure shock that I felt when I got that e-mail and during the breakneck period that led to my accepting a job offer in less than a fortnight can not be overstated. Sometimes I feel that my jaw is still on the floor and I am filled with a surprisingly powerful feeling of hope. My new supervisor will be a fellow Aggie and there is a definite friendliness to the office. Also as much as I personally have distaste for Houston as a city to live in, it is undeniable so much closer to the friends that I cannot help but be excited for that future. 

Mentally -  I already alluded to it, but mentally I was in a dark, dark place that 2019 saw the gradual lifting of, that I am still working towards. I can admit to myself that when I am depressed I withdraw as a defense mechanism.  I find myself drifting through the days, one week the same as the one proceeding it. It is a fact that I have to confront that I have had very few true confidants in my life and in fact was taught that being emotionally vulnerable was just providing ammunition and as a result I find it intensely uncomfortable to reach out to others and risk. I am happy to say that during the decade of 2010-2020 in general I met several wonderful individuals who taught me this isn’t always the case but it is still something I struggle with.

This is something that I have not done as well to combat in 2019 as I would like, BUT there are some key exceptions. For one, in the last months of the year I took over the DM responsibilities for our weekly group. The responsibility of no longer being able to just show up and make funny voices means that I have to actually have a plan for the week ahead of me. Have to think of the near and not so near future, and this is KEY friends, for a reason that MATTERS to me. It isn’t something like “oh you need to do your taxes every spring” its that I know that in 6 months my friends will be invested in the story we tell together and I don’t want to let them down. That responsibility really helps. 

On a different track entirely I have begun to internalize that my future is my own to create. There is no looking back and imagining what could have been. I intend to re-focus on my hobbies and what makes ME feel fulfilled in the new year. I began to explore my creative needs again and I mean to pursue that with the freedom that an apartment to myself will bring me again.

Physically -  *OOF*. Well, 2019 BEGAN in a really good way physically. I was using the gym as a coping mechanism and going 4 or 5 times a week. I was running because it made me feel good. Ran a 5k competitively and was running 10ks in the gym in preparation to doing a race. I had aspirations of doing a Tough Mudder! But lol as things do one thing led to another and I’ve been attending no more than once or twice a week for months. And my body is reflecting that choice. In my defence it is so hard to motivate to go to the gym after work when its dark at 5pm :(. I’m hoping I can do better in Houston. An apt. Clubhouse will help. 

I also will definitely start eating better. 2019 saw waaaaaaay too much eating out. The cramped nature of our kitchen and the less than neat ways of my housemates meant that most of the time it was easier to just pick something up, or prepare things that took little space. Lots of pasts and frozen chicken and soups. But I’ll have my crockpot again and a freezer to myself and HEB for fresh veggies and Yay! Good changes ahead, unhealthy year behind. I also began flossing again in 2019 so I’m sure my Dentist will be happy about that. Oh yeah….dentist and eye doctor didn’t happen in 2019. Let’s go 2020!

Socially -  There isn’t much else to say here since my social life has been so intrinsically linked with my mental health. But I definitely have room for improvement in 2020. I never really found a community outside of work in Connecticut. I had some limited success with MeetUp and actually managed to make a couple friends. Who promptly moved away. But my DND group changed to include two new friends who I value highly. I also began to reconnect with old friends who I’ve fallen out of touch with and intend to continue doing so. I’ve had dinner with two old friends in the last week and had a lovely time. Reviving regular group chats, beginning the rebuilding of a friendship that was shattered by a change in...everything I guess, all are good things that I can see just getting better in 2020. I’m particularly excited to be able to drive to see people again. Even if it isn’t QUITE close enough to be able to just casually drop by, my college station friends will be close enough to impulse visit, or see concerts together, Ren Faire, etc. And I just have a feeling that making new friends will go better in Houston. Maybe? We will see. 

Romantically -  Not this year. The insecurity and fear of rejection don’t help let me tell you. I also have serious trouble believing myself to be someone that someone else desires or loves. My issues nobody else's right anymore. I talked to a few girls on Meetups that never led to anything. Matched some people on Tinder and Bumble but was never confident enough in the moment to go for it. Had a gay man hit on me once, that was flattering but I don’t reciprocate. Anyways, I hope for better in 2020 but I need continued mental growth first. 

So, Yah, that was longwinded and definitely drifted far from the point of being just about 2019. But I feel like I needed to say what I said for it the puzzle pieces to fit in my own head about what 2019 WAS. It was a year where life started to seem like an uphill climb again instead of falling into a pit. And it ended on a very bright note that has me optimistic for the future. I know that a year ago today I was not feeling optimistic like this. That can only be a good thing. 

[broken-clover]

12 Days of Whump- Search Party

Technically not late! At least one was posted before midnight. I hope to heck tomorrow’s actually comes in on time. I didn’t proofread as well as I usually do, I’ll look over it in the morning just to see if I can make it any better.

Day 11 of the 12 days of Whump- Search Party, featuring Zappa, Faust, and the Paranormal Investigation Team!

“Maan, it’s been a wild year, huh?”

Zappa perked up at that, turning to look at Randy. “I suppose so. What makes you say that now?”

“Are you serious, where have you been?” The man wore a cheshire smile as he leaned back in his chair. “Did’ja forget the fact that the last time we were in here, we wound up solving a mystery with demons and most up us wound up missing for two weeks?”

“Ah. Right.” Zappa paled a little. “I was hoping I’d finally be able to repress that memory.”

“You were the only one who didn’t fly out of a building like a goddamn firework! Besides, there was also the whole ‘end of the world because the pope turned out to be a genocidal robot’ thing.”

“Aside from that, though, has it really been that interesting? Up until the last couple of months, nothing was really happening.”

Randy’s smile fell. “Why’re you being such a downer today?”

Zappa shrugged. “Just don’t feel like teasing fate, is all. There’s only a few hours left until the new year, so I want to try and make it without any other accidents.”

“My food’s ready!” Alexis burst through the door, hoisting a dish of some kind of pasta. “Did you guys finish already?”

“I brought some drinks from home!” Randy gestured to a trio of colorful bottles on the table. “Nothing alcoholic, though, they wouldn’t let me ship that across country borders.”

The woman laughed at that, putting her steaming container down. “Bummer. How ‘bout you, Zappa? Anything good from Australia?”

“My mother sent some of the jams we make with the crops we grow.” He reached out and picked up a jar. “It’s really good on toast! The onion jelly is my favorite.”

“Who the heck makes jelly out of onions?” Shaking his head, Randy made a little gagging noise. “Friggin Australians…”

“Greetings, paranormal team! I come bearing food!”

All three turned to the door, bearing various shades of confusion as a too-tall figure ducked inside the room.

“Dr. Faust?” Zappa asked. “What are you doing here?”

“Spreading some festivity!” The bag-headed man’s voice was at its usual whimsical tone. “Mr Kiske mentioned there was some New Year’s celebration. I’d planned to head out in the morn, so a bit of last-minute festivities seemed apt before my departure! If it helps, I did bring my own dish to contribute.”

Randy glanced at his companions. “Listen, doc, I dunno why-”

“-You feel like you’d be unwelcome!” Alexis cut him off. “By all means, find a seat! We’d love to try whatever it is you’ve made!”

Faust lit up at that, though it was hard to tell with his face obscured. “Well, don’t mind if I do!”

It didn’t take long after that for the rest of the paranormal investigation team to show up, with everyone bringing a different dish to add to the swiftly-growing pile on the table. A few people eyes Faust’s unexpected appearance with wariness, but most of them were too caught up in the festive mood to react with more than a quick glance.

“Here’s to a new year, guys!”

“Hold it, Randy!” Someone interjected. “It’s New Years! We can’t toast without champagne!”

“Huh? Why not?”

“I dunno...just feels wrong, I guess.”

Someone else sent Faust an aside glance. “Should we really be discussing champagne around a doctor?”

“A bit of alcohol can be good for the cardiovascular system!” Faust chimed in. “Besides, I’m not immune to indulgences, myself. No need to hesitate around me!”

“Uhh, doc?” Randy said. “What exactly is it that you brought?”

“Hmm? Ah, I suppose I forgot to say that, didn’t I?” He made a little gesture towards his dish, a mix of something white in a red sauce. “Mapo tofu! Very popular where I grew up. A bit spicy, but very tasty.”

Someone raised their spoon. “Oh, oh, pass it! I wanna try!”

The team fell into loud, cheerful chatter, swapping stories and memories from the past year and their hopes for the next. Everyone seemed to lose track of time as the pitch-black sky opened up and began dumping down snow, creating a beautiful view through the unobscured windows.

Before long, the numerous dishes had been almost picked clean. “Ohhh, whoever brought the ziti, it was delicious, and also I think I’m gonna throw up.”

Alexis shook her head in disappointment. “Why did you eat so much, Randy?”

“Such good sauce....right, Zappa?”

When he got no response, he sat up and looked around. “Zappa? Where’d he go?”

“He mentioned he was leaving to go and get something.” Replied Faust. “Though, now that you mention it, it has been a rather long amount of time since I’ve seen him.”

“Randy, do you have his com?” Alexis asked.

“Yeah, good point. I’ll just send him a ping and see where he’s gone to. I’m sure it’s nothing…”

The chatter in the room quickly settled down as the magic com rang once, twice. It kept ringing over and over again, as the atmosphere grew more and more tense.

”Hi, um, this is Zappa, please leave a message-”

“The heck?” Randy looked at his own fading com in disbelief. “I can’t think of the last time he hasn’t picked up. Maybe the weather’s messing with it?”

Faust was already out of his chair. “This is concerning. Would everyone be willing to partake in a search before dessert?”

Unsure murmurs were passed between the group. Ultimately, nobody seemed to have any major objections, though the current ambiguity was making people worry.

“Here, this is the frequency for his magic-com, keep trying to call it until we can get him to pick up.” Randy gave a quick demonstration. “He can’t have gone too far. I guess we can split up into groups and look around whatever shops are still open and see if they’ve seen him at all.”

Despite the initial aversion, the team easily divided themselves into smaller groups and started heading out via the nearest castle exit. The weather was just as unpleasant as it looked, and everyone was immediately buffeted by snow.

“Sheesh, what the hell possessed him to go out in this weather?” Wrapping arms across his chest, Randy looked back and forth before picking a direction and starting to walk, followed closely behind by Faust and Alexis.

“I’m not sure. Though considering the temperature, it does concern me quite a bit. I do hope he’s managed to find shelter.” Faust said.

The town outside of the castle’s walls was bright with lights, but very few buildings were open so late with it being so late on New Year’s. Randy kept trying to make calls, only to be met with the answering machine over and over again.

“The grocer said he hasn’t seen him?”

Alexis shook her head. “Nothing.”

“Dammit. I’ll try calling again.”

Faust perked up. “Mr Randy, is your com malfunctioning?”

“Huh? No, why do you ask?”

“I’m getting an odd sort of feedback. Miss Alexis, is your com running?”

“No?”

“Then why…”

The doctor took off running down the snow-covered path, leaving his two companions behind. Randy and Alexis exchanged looks before sprinting off after him.

“The heck is he doing?” She asked.

“Finally lost it? I don’t know much about the guy. Just try not to lose him!”

As it turned out, Faust hadn’t been running off for no reason. As the two of them turned around the next corner, they spotted the man hunched over next to a lump half-buried in the snow.

“Is that…?”

“There we are, there we go.” Faust was muttering quietly, barely audible over the wind. He brushed his long fingers over the snow, feeling something underneath it. “Just keep ticking. I know it’s cold out. You’re going to be fine.”

In one smooth motion, he pulled the shape out of the snow and held it tightly. When he turned back around, Alexis and Randy realized that it was in fact Zappa, curled up in a ball and seemingly unconscious.

“He was out here the whole time?” Alexis sounded horrified. “Is he dead?”

“No, no.” Faust’s voice was unexpectedly calm. “Just cold. We’re going home now.”

It was Randy’s turn to be confused. “Home? What are you going on about? What about us?”

The doctor made a little motion with one hand. A green door suddenly appeared in the middle of the street. When it swung open, they weren’t greeted with the sight of the other end of the street. Instead, it opened up to reveal a dark, unfamiliar landscape, filled with odd somethings that neither of them could identify from a glance.

“Of course you’re coming with us. Step inside my door.”

The two looked at each other again, and reluctantly followed Faust inside.

++++++

What seemed like only a second later, the small group was dumped back out into the dining room, with everything exactly as they’d left it.

Aliexis looked back at the door as it swung shut and began to fade. “W-what the hell was that?!”

Randy looked around. “Huh?”

“In the door? Didn’t you see that?”

“Nah, I blinked.”

“You blinked?!”

While the two squabbled, Faust made his way over to one of the room’s couches, settling Zappa down on it. He reached into hammerspace and pulled out his oddly-patterned green tarp, lifting it up to be used as a blanket. Before he could toss it over the motionless figure, though, he noticed that he seemed to be wrapped around something.

“Oh? What have you got there?”

With a bit of maneuvering, he pulled out out a yellowish bottle, adorned with a pretty blue ribbon. Curiosity piqued, he took a glance at the card that hung off of it.

’Congratulations on a great year, guys, here’s to one more!

~Zappa’

“Aww…” With his free hand, Faust tossed the tarp-blanket over him, offering a little pat on the head.

Randy turned his head at the sound. “Faust, you say something?”

“Well, ah,” he hoisted up the bottle, “anyone up for a glass of champagne?”

[toosicktoocare]

VLDWhumpas Day 11: Pneumonia

I’m literally struggling to keep my eyes open, but there will be a Day 11!

@vldwhumpmas2017

Post-College AU– Pre-Klance 

“Dear Guy from Apt. 3-B, 

It appears you’re sick.”

Lance pauses– pen hovering over the word sick. If anything, ‘sick’ is the understatement of the century, if the coughing alone is anything to go by. 

It started a week ago– that much Lance can remember. He bumped into the guy in the hall, and boy, did he look rough. Lance never caught a name– not when he was too busy practically gaping at the flushed cheeks glowing a deep red against pale, almost ashen, skin or the slick sheen of sweat coating sunken features. He only managed out a weak “uh, you okay?” before the guy shrugged with a harsh cough and sidestepped around to get to the stairs. 

The days to follow were rough; Lance just barely caught sight of the guy slipping out of the apartment complex in a leather jacket– long, unruly hair pulled back against the sharp winter breeze. It was at the same time everyday; they always just missed each other, with Lance returning the apartment building as his neighbor left, but Lance still saw the guy stalking down the snow-covered sidewalk with hunched shoulders and a popped jacket collar. 

While they never came face-to-face, Lance could hear every hacking cough. He could hear every groan of discomfort, every stumble to the bathroom for a glass of water. He could hear it all, and frankly, he was worried, even if he didn’t really know the guy. 

He meant to mind his own business– it’s something Hunk has been berating him about for years, but last night… Last night was, well, quite scary actually. There was more coughing then there was silence, and at one point, Lance was sure he heard the dull thump of a fall, followed by more barking coughs that left Lance wincing while remaining wide awake– just in case. 

After that, he knew he had to do something, so he figured a note– it’s not too pushy but still enough to let the guy know he’s here. 

“I can hear you coughing every night. (The walls are incredibly thin; why do you think rent is so low?) It sounds painful, dude, and to be honest, I’m a little concerned. I’ve seen the jacket you wear– leather, dude, really? You must not be from around here, and I get it; I was in your shoes once. I come from a tropical place myself, and let me just say, the winters here were a MAJOR ADJUSTMENT.” 

Lance contemplates crossing out at least half of the paragraph but shakes his head instead and grips his pen tighter as he furiously scribbles. 

“What I’m trying to get at is that I’m here if you need anything; I can help you get a better coat, or whatever… I also have medicine if you need some. Not to brag, but I’ve binge-watched five seasons of Grey’s Anatomy in one sitting, so I’m kinda an expert with medical stuff.

So, don’t hesitate to knock on my door at anytime, okay?

Sincerely, 

Lance from Apt. 3-A.”

He adds a smiley face to make the note seem more… well… approachable before he slips out of his room to tape it to the other guy’s door. When he gets back to his room, he curls under his blankets, exhausted from the sleepless night before, and drifts off, feeling a slight weight being lifted from his chest. 

*****

The dull knock pulls Lance from slumber to consciousness, but the hacking coughs get him moving. He’s on his feet in seconds, stumbling in the dark to get to the door, and when he rips it open, he blinks against the sudden hallway light to see the guy from next door turned away and coughing harshly into the crook of his arm. Lance frowns at the specks of snow dusting the guy’s hair and jacket, and when the guy finally manages to catch his breath, Lance takes in the wind-bitten cheeks with questioning eyes. 

“Uh, hey,” the guy says, or rather, croaks– enough to have Lance wincing at the deep rasp. “I got your note.” 

“Uh, yeah,” Lance starts, unsure of what to say– something that’s rare for him. 

“I was wondering if you had some cough medicine..” 

“Of course!” Lance steps aside, flicking the light switch before he motions for the guy to step into the apartment. He leads his neighbor into the kitchen, nodding toward a chair as he sneaks off to the bathroom’s medicine cabinet. 

He opts for cough medicine, ibuprofen, and a thermometer, just in case, before he doubles back into the kitchen, finding the guy doubled over and barking out deep, chesty coughs, one after the other until Lance is dropping his supplies on the table to rub a gentle hand against the guy’s back. 

Lance can feel his neighbor shaking under his palm, even after the coughing subsides. His frown deepens as he steps away. 

“You must be freezing,” Lance says, and the guy nods as a sharp shiver shoots up his spine. 

“Gotta walk to and from work. I don’t know how to drive on all this ice.” 

“..You walk?”

“It’s four blocks.”

“You walk!?” Lance’s hands wave about wildly in the air. “You walk outdoors like this? With that sorry excuse of a jacket?! No wonder you’re sick!” 

“It’s just a cold.” 

“A cold,” Lance repeats, voice mirroring the disbelief that’s taken hold of his features. “You think this is just a cold? You kept me up all night with the coughing and hacking, and it sounded like you passed out at some point!” It’s not quite anger that’s spiking across Lance’s blood– he can’t pin it. Frustration maybe? 

“I’m sorry-” the guy starts, bringing one fist to his mouth to cough harshly. “I… kept you up.” 

Sympathy colors Lance’s eyes, and he shakes his head. “No, it’s fine– just. Here.” He holds out the thermometer, and his neighbor arches a brow. 

“I just need medicine.” 

“Humor me.” 

Whether it’s exhaustion or a want to leave as fast as possible, the guy obliges, and just moments later, Lance is sucking in a sharp hiss of a gasp at the 104.6 degree reading blinking back at him. His hand is trembling slightly as he leans forward to brush his palm to the guy’s forehead; he’s hoping the device is broken– that it’s just a fluke of a number– but the heat is there, and it’s intense.

“Dios mío,” Lance mutters under his breath as he turns away from the table to find boots and a coat because this guy is not okay. At all. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Hospital,” Lance calls out, hopping on one foot as he shoves a boot onto the other. “Your fever’s too high– this isn’t a cold.”

“That’s–” the guy tries, but a burning coughing fit shoves up his throat. It’s two minutes before he can speak, and by now, Lance has a coat and boots on over his pajamas, and he’s got his fingers curled tightly around his keys. 

“Not necessary,” the guy finally finishes, and Lance shakes his head. 

“No, it is. Look,” he pauses, motioning to the guy. 

“Keith.” 

“Great. Look, Keith. Your fever’s pushing 105, and you can’t go five seconds without coughing. And, I’m pretty sure I hear a very concerning crackling sound that’s coming from your lungs, so I’m driving you to the hospital before I have to explain to cops that you died in my apartment because you’re too damn stubborn.” 

Lance is borderline breathless by the time he’s done, but his words must strike the right chord because Keith only nods with pressed lips and allows Lance to help him to his feet. 

*****

When Lance spots the doctor coming out of a wide set of double doors, he hops to his feet immediately, crossing the large waiting room to meet the man half-way. 

“Pneumonia,” the doctor starts with a frown. “It’s bad but treatable. He’s going to have to stay for a few days.” 

Nodding, Lance fiddles with the sleeve of his coat. He should leave–he only knows Keith’s name, so staying would be.. weird? Odd? Inappropriate?

“He’s asking for you.” 

“Huh?”

“Keith. He’s asking to see you.”

Lance takes a step back, eyes blowing out wide at the doctor’s words. “He is?” 

“Yes. I’ll walk you back.” 

Lance wordlessly follows the doctor until he’s standing in Keith’s room as the doctor leaves to give them privacy. He can’t meet Keith’s eyes– he doesn’t want to look at the ghostly pale skin or the large mask covering half of Keith’s face–  so he paces instead, keeping his eyes locked to the floor. 

“Look, I’m not normally that mean. Or pushy. Or whatever. You were just scaring the hell out of me and being so stubborn, and damn, dude, I really thought you were going to keel over and die on me, and-” 

“Lance.” 

Lance’s tumbling words come to a halt, and he snaps a sharp gaze to see Keith panting while holding the oxygen mask away from his mouth. “Yeah?” 

“Thanks.” 

It’s one word– a small rasp that’s choppy and an apparent struggle, but it’s enough to have Lance’s tense shoulders sagging with a wave of relief that floods his body to his very core. 

“Uh, yeah, no problem.” 

“Stay?” 

The one word question is unexpected– it’s small but it carries a forceful weight that has Lance practically running toward the chair closest to Keith’s bed.

“Of course.” 

[kn1ghthawk]

The New Normal

It had been a week now. Sanctuary was fortified, the Abernathy farm was a fortress. Codsworth had been found and brought up to speed. Concord had met the same scrapping end as Olivia. With Sturges and Victor acting as the gear heads, they were scrapping and throwing everything on the sleds. Jun and Marcy walked the path from concord to sanctuary in the power suits, the cores removed to mere pneumatic strength but slow going. To keep them safe, Preston and Codsworth acted as guards to keep the Long’s safe as everything not welded down got brought back. They had the vertibird from concord and the one on the way to Olivia to strip for components as well.

He was still walking with too much of a limp, so it was time to look for a proper doctor. There was one in some place called diamond city, where the old woman kept pushing him to go, but a traveling merchant named Carla told him of a doctor in bunker hill. Knowing bunker hill as the old war memorial, he decides to head there first. But since he is heading east anyways, Preston asks him to head to tenpines bluff on the way to an old radio tower directly east then straight south to find bunker hill easily enough the first time. As the doctor is sometimes known to travel out that direction anyways, he might get lucky. Checking over the guns and armor again, he starts to head out, his leathers a bit thicker than before, and some simple upgrades for a heavier pistol, longer barrel and compensator with a targeting ring to aim in the general area of what he wanted to kill. He still had the bug-bopper rifle, just in case with a new scope set on top. He wasn't alone, thankfully, with the shepard named ‘Dogmeat’ by everyone else and his technically oldest friend codsworth.  Eastwards was relatively quiet, not even any wild game with all the noise they had been making so far. With his leg not getting any better, they decided to stick to the roads, walking through concord yet again and heading east to the bedford railroad. It was there that Victor encountered the most rancid scent he could believe. It almost smelled like dead bodies or rotting meat, it was similar to the scent of the two headed cow or the man in the hood with radiation burns. The train was there and it looked like it had been there since the bomb dropped with no plans of moving again, some of the other rail cars had not fared so well and it was a blessing they approached from the south to the tower. There was a computer still able to function with some strange notes in it, using codewords, safe drops, and the like. But from the window he saw a disgusting sight: It looked like a emaciated corpse, someone who had starved to death, but it was still moving, crouched down and clawing at a body. He took aim with his sights but didnt pull the trigger. He had no silencer and as screwed up as this new world was, that might not be the only one here. Ordering the others to stay, he belly-crawled closer through the station, noting a few more of the putrid people not even talking, just growling like animals. He noticed an old oil barrel and recalled the olivia station as he took aim and fired, letting the fumes turn to flames and engulf these creatures as he made his way up a fallen tree trunk to get some space. Well he certainly kicked a hornets nest for sure, but these things seemed to lack the ability to easily reason as he took what little time he had to aim and take them off as they funneled up the same trunk he did. The flames and gunshots, not only allerted the remaining creatures, but his companions as well as the dog literally tackled into one from behind, bringing it to the ground and ripping its rotting right limb from the torso. Codsworth was a frighting display of flames and sawblades as it butchered through anything within range over four feet high. Between the three of them, they managed to remove the remaining creatures and take a minute to recover, Victor giving the dog first aid and codsworth producing some purified water to dress the wounds. By the time all was said and done, the area examined from front to back and all the chests gone through it was already getting dark, but that just made the campfire easier to see on the top of the hills. Making the march in the dark was unwanted, but a pathway was still able to be made out from something heavy trafficking through the spaces. There wasn't much to the farm to be honest. A few sheds and some rows of tomatoes made the Abernathy look incredible by comparison. As he approached, he announced he was part of the minutemen and allowed to come close enough to the fire to see a man in a white lab coat with two armed guards beside him. “That is an impressive brace you made for yourself, but I’m certain it is only making things worse. I’m Doc weathers and I’ll fix yer flat tire there for forty caps.” Not even bothering to negotiate, victor pulled out a little lunchbox he found and was keeping the caps in there 10,20, 30, 40, with 10 more on top to hope he did a decent job. The man with thinking black hair nodded to one of the guards to take the caps as he got to work, starting with a simple injection to numb the pain, then everything went dark. *** Vic woke up and the sun was out, his boot and brace were off and his leg wrapped in actual white bandages. He was laying on a mattress with dogmeat curled up by his side and codsworth standing vigil. “So good to see you awake, sir. You were in a worse case than you had let on. While you were under, they had to charge an additional fifty ‘caps’ to bring you back to full but I can see now you are right as rain! The settlers here are waiting to speak with you, something about the creatures we dispatched yesterday.” As if on cue, a man with short brown hair approached and tossed some sort of meat to the dog and a tato to victor himself. “Wanted to thank you, we helped move you over her so as to rest the spell. Apparently you already cleared out what we called for the minute men to take care of, so thanks for that. We’ll let everyone know the minutemen are back and taking care of trouble before it starts. By chance, you don't happen to have any other kinds of food on you? We are growing our own but it's hard going, we’d be willing to trade if you got anything else.” In an hour, he had given and gotten from them in trade since Codsworth had just handed over the whole cache of caps while the doctor was working, some of the Abernathy melons seeds growing in a patch and a fairly safe route for them to take to trade with the farmers he had established already. Since he was skilled enough to take on ‘ghouls’ as they were seemingly called, an apt name as any, they had problems with a raider just to the northeast just past the overpass he could see from the farm. The raider had power armor and a fatman, calling himself ‘Boomer’. Taking the chance, Victor waited till nightfall before heading over crossing down one side and up the other of the train track valley leading back to Bedford station. He inched his way out across the stone shelf and waited, and waited, watching through the scope he continued to wait, watching the power armors helmet sweep left and right meant he had to wait. Finally exhaustion overtook the leader as he took the power armor up the stairs in order to go to bed. All it took was a moment, all victor had was a moment. The shot rang out as the round split the crazy warkawk haircut. As soon as the man fell, everyone else started to scramble, but he knew what someone panicking would do and waited for the next one to run to their leader, either for the launcher or the suit, another round came in just under the arm in the gap of the armor and two were down before he had to abandon his shelf. Codsworth and the dog closed the distance to finish the third and an automated turret before Victor could even make it down there. And just like that, three more dead raiders, three less scum in the world. Unfortunately, there was a fourth, either positioned down the road or coming back from somewhere else, a lucky shot hit his armor over the shoulderblade hard enough to send victor spinning around and a second sent him flat on his back. A few more shots rang off of metal while victor stared at the sky before a flamethrower made the last one die screaming. A stimpack for the bruising and possible broken bones and victor crawled his way up the stairs to collapse on the mattress, kicking the dead away more out  of annoyance than horror. It was not comforting how easy it was getting to adapt to this new world.

[weekendwarriorblog]

WHAT TO WATCH THIS WEEKEND November 8, 2019 – DOCTOR SLEEP, MIDWAY, LAST CHRISTMAS, MARRIAGE STORY and more

Well, last weekend was a thing, wasn’t it? The movie I liked the most didn’t do great, the movie I really wasn’t into did better than expected, and Terminator: Dark Fate? Yeah, that’s the end of that franchise… hopefully?

This week, there’s some good, some bad and some okay to decent. I’m probably under embargo on the two bad movies so you’ll just have to guess which is which.

Actually, I already reviewed Mike Flanagan’s DOCTOR SLEEP (Warner Bros.) over at The Beat, and my review of Roland Emmerich’s MIDWAY (Lionsgate) will probably havegone up over there by the time you’ve read this. That just leaves Universal’s holiday rom-com LAST CHRISTMAS and Paramount’s PLAYING WITH FIRE.

Doctor Sleepis the latest Stephen King adaptation, this one based on his 2013 novel that is a sequel to The Shining, the movie starring Ewan McGregor as the older Danny Torrance, Rebecca Ferguson as “Rose the Hat” and newcomer Kyliegh Curran as Abra Stone, a young girl with powers who turns to Danny to help her face Rose and her gang of roving power vampires. As you can read in my review, this one isn’t so bad, and if you’re a fan of The Shining, there’s stuff for you to enjoy even though it’s not nearly as scary.

Not sure what more I can say about Midway, other than it’s Emmerich’s version of the WWII Pacific battle with a mostly-male cast that includes Woody Harrelson, Patrick Wilson, Aaron Eckhart, Randy Quaid and many more, most of whom have done better work. Basically, I wasn’t a fan, and I’m not sure how well it will do even with Monday being Veterans Day. I’ll be curious to see how others feel about the movie.

Also, not much to say about Playing with Fire other than its John Cena doing a family comedy with director Andy Fickman, Kegan Michael-Key, John Leguizamo, the wonderful Judy Greer, and honestly, I doubt anyone who might read this column would have any interest. Put it this way, it’s no Instant Family, one of my favorite movies from last year.

In many ways, my favorite movie of the weekend is Last Christmas, directed by Paul Feig from Bridesmaids and Ghostbusters, which is indeed based loosely on the George Michael song of the same name, but it brings together Emilia Clarke with Henry Golding from Crazy Rich Asians, as well as Michelle Yeoh from Crazy Rich Asians, and Emma Thompson, who co-wrote the film.

I’ll have an interview with Feig over at Next Best Picture very soon, but here’s my short review…

Mini-Review: You know you have to be doing something right if you make a Christmas rom-com that’s able to get a Jew into the Christmas spirit while watching your movie even before Halloween, but that’s the case with this great collaboration between Paul Feig with Emma Thompson.

I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I was definitely surprised by how much I liked Emilia Clarke in the role of a fuck-up who can’t seem to find a regular living place since her roommates keep kicking her out. She works at a Christmas shop in London’s busy market owned by Michelle Yeoh, who is lovingly known as “Santa.” One night, her character Kate encounters a handsome and mysterious young man named Tom (Henry Golding), and the two become friends and then get closer.

It’s pretty amazing to see Clarke doing something we really haven’t seen her do before and that’s being funny, but she also sings in the movie and has a nature that some might deem “Manic Pixie Dream Girl”-ish. In fact, she plays an elf. (rimshot) It’s hard not to think of Zooey Deschanel in Elf as you watch Clarke spend time in her work costume but Kate is very likable and nothing like Clark’s previous roles. Golding is as charming and handsome as ever, making him come across like the new Hugh Grant, but their scenes together propel Last Christmas into a place where you really feel for both of them.

There are aspects to Last Christmas that are predictable, including a twist that’s literally spoiled in the first few minutes of the movie, but the movie is just so enjoyable overall that this can be forgiven. Even if you’re the worst Scrooge about the holidays, it’s hard not to enjoy all of the Christmas spirit permeating this movie, particularly Yeoh’s character, but it also finds a way to make you feel good about helping others during the holidays, something that I hope rubs off on anyone who sees this.

Basically, Last Christmas is a romantic comedy that’s actually romantic and very funny, as well as a great way to kick-off the holiday movie season! It’s taken some time, but Love Actually finally has a worthy successor.

Rating: 8/10

You can read more about the new wide releases over at The Beat.

LOCAL FESTIVALS

The big festival hitting New York this weekend, today in fact, is this year’s installation of DOC-NYC, which boasts 300 films and events circulating around the world of documentary filmmaking, including many World Premieres, as well as screenings of some of the year’s biggest commercial and critical hits in terms of docs.

Oddly, tonight’s Opening Night is Daniel Roher’s Once Were Brothers: Robbie Robertson and the Band, which was also the opening night gala of TIFF this year. I still haven’t seen it. Closing night is the NYC premiere of Ebs Burnough’s The Capote Tapes, which I also haven’t seen. The festival is giving Visionary Tribute Lifetime Achievement awards to Michael Apted, who will screen the latest in his ongoing doc series, 63 Up, as well as to Martin Scorsese, whose Netflix film Rolling Thunder Revue: A Bob Dylan Story will screen. I actually haven’t seen too many movies in this year’s festival just cause I’ve been busy with other things, but I have seen Joe Berlinger’s The Longest Wave about windsurfer icon Robby Naish and Keith Fulton and Lou Pepe’s He Dreams of Giants, a great follow-up to Lost in La Mancha, which follows Terry Gilliam’s efforts to finally make The Man Who Killed Don Quixote. Other movies include the World Premiere of Beth B’s Lydia Lunch: The War is Never Over on Saturday night, the NYC Premieres of Oren Jacoby’s On Broadway, Beth Kopple’s Desert One, Kristof Bilsen’s Mother plus many more. (On top of that, my own group, the Critics Choice Association will be announcing its own Critics Choice Documentary Awards this Sunday.)

LIMITED RELEASES

There are two can’t-miss movies this weekend, the first of them being Noah Baumbach’s latest Marriage Story, which in my opinion is the best film he’s made in his entire career, and that’s saying something. This one stars Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson as a couple going through a divorce, and if this sounds familiar, it might be since Baumbach’s 2005 movie The Squid and The Whale was also about a divorce, that of his parents. It’s hard not to think that at least some of Marriage Story might be based on Baumbach’s own divorce from actor Jennifer Jason Leigh as Driver plays a theater director and Johansson plays an actor who appears in many of his plays. The real sticking point is their 6-year-old son and the fact that Johansson’s character wants to put him in school in California where she has an upcoming job, but his father, who is about to bring his play to Broadway without his wife, wants him in New York. At first, the couple plan on divorcing without lawyers and remaining friends, but as lawyers are brought on board – played by Laura Dern, Alan Alda and Ray Liotta – things just get more vicious. Not only is this one of Baumbach’s best-realized screenplay but the performances he gets out of his cast are indelible, particularly Driver and Johansson who have a number of highly charged scenes together, including one that’s absolutely unforgettable. It’s easily one of the best movies of the year, and it will be very much in the awards race. Marriage Story opens on Wednesday (today!) in New York – at the City Cinemas (formerly the Paris Theatre) and IFC Center – in L.A. and a few other cities. It won’t debut on Netflix until December 6.

Another movie that definitely needs to be seen is HONEY BOY (NEON), written by and starring Shia LaBeouf and directed by Alma Har’el, who has previously directed documentaries and music videos. It’s loosely based on some of LaBeouf’s own experiences as a child actor dealing with a turbulent relationship with his father with Noah Jupe from A Quiet Place and next week’s Ford vs. Ferrari playing the young actor “Otis Lort” who later in life (played by Lucas Hedges) is dealing with the repercussions of an alcoholic father, played by LaBeaouf, apparently based on his own father? It’s a really amazing film that obviously was extremely cathartic for LaBeouf to write while he was going through his own rehab therapy, plus he also has singer FKA twigs making her feature film debut as an amorous neighbor of Otis who lives at the motel where he stays with his father. I’m not going to say too much more about the film other than it’s extremely powerful and emotional

There are a couple decent docs opening this weekend, the one I recommend first and foremost being Roger Ross Williams’ THE APOLLO, which will open at the Metrographafter opening this year’s Tribeca Film Festival. It’s an amazing look at the landmark Harlem theater that’s made so many careers over the years from performers like Aretha Franklin and James Brown, combining amazing archival footage with new interviews.

I haven’t gotten around to seeing Lauren Greenfield’s new documentaryThe Kingmaker (Showtime), which will open at the Quad Cinema in New York before it airs on Showtime, but this one is about the political career of Imelda Marcos, the Philippines’ first lady who became almost more famous than her President husband Ferdinand, mainly for her collection of shoes.

Samuel Bathrick’s doc 16 Bars opens at New York’s Village East Cinema and in L.A. next Friday. It follows Arrested Development’s “Speech” Thomas as he works with in mates in a Virginia jail to write and record original music as part of their rehabilitation.

Netflix is also releasing Despicable Me co-creator Sergio Pablos’ animated film Klaus in theaters this Friday in advance of its worldwide streaming debut on Netflix on November 15. It features Jason Schwartzmann as the voice of Jesper, a spoiled rich kid son of the postmaster who is sent to a frozen island in the Arctic circle where he finds allies in a local schoolteacher (voiced by Rashida Jones) and meets a mysterious carpenter named Klaus (voiced by J.K. Simmons).

Opening at New York’s Cinema Village is Joel Souza’s CROWN VIC (Screen Media) starring Thomas Jane as a veteran cop with Luke Kleintank (also in Midway) as his rookie cop who are looking for a missing girl and hunting two cop killers in Los Angeles. It also stars Bridge Moynihan.

Nicolas Cage stars in PRIMAL (Lionsgate) as Frank Walsh, a hunter and collector of rare and exotic animals who catches a rare white jaguar, except that the ship taking his cargo also includes a political assassin being sent to the U.S. who breaks free and lets the jaguar loose. So this is like Life of Pi only with more Nicolas Cage? It also stars Famke Janssen, Kevin Durand and Michael Imperioli and opens in select cities asnd On Demand.

Similarly, Danger Close (Saban Films) will be in theatrs, On Demand and Digital, this one starring Travis Fimmel (Warcraft) as Major Harry Smith in Kriv Stenders’ war movie, written by Stuart Beattie. It follows Smith as he takes a group of 108 young soldiers from Australia and New Zealand into the Battle of Long tan against 2,500 Viet Cong soldiers. I guess this is an alternative to Midway for Veterans’ Day?

STREAMING AND CABLE

Debuting on Netflix is Luke Snellin’s holiday rom-com Let It Snow, starring Isabela Moner (Dora and the Lost City of Gold), Odeya Rush, Shameik Moore and Liv Hewson as a group of high school seniors in a Midwestern town who are snowbound on Christmas Eve. It’s based on a book by John Green, Maureen Johnson and Lauren Myracle.

REPERTORY

Let’s get to some old(er) movies, starting with the Metrograph in New York, who begins a series with filmmaker Noah Baumbach in Residence in conjunction with the release of Baumbach’s latest and greatest, Marriage Story. Besides screening Baumbach’s own 1995 film Kicking and Screaming, 2005’s The Squid and the Whale and 2007’s Margot at the Wedding, Baumbach will present screenings of Spike Lee’s Crooklyn (1994) on Saturday, Eric Rohmer’s Pauline at the Beach (1983), which inspired Margot with more movies to come between now and November 22. The Metrograph also continues its Welcome To Metrograph: Redux series with Shunji Iwai’s 2001 film All About Lily Chou-Chouon Thursday and again on Saturday. This weekend’s Playtime: Family Matinees is Steven Spielberg’s 1981 classic Raiders of the Lost Ark, while Late Nites at Metrograph  will screen Bong Joon-wo’s The Host on Thursday through Sunday, way too late for this old man. You’ll also have another opportunity to see Hitchcock’s 1971 thriller Frenzy on Thursday night.

TheFilm Forumwill be screening Yasujirô Ozu’s 1957 film Tokyo Twilight in a new 4k restoration starting Friday, as well as bringing back his 1953 film Tokyo Story, as well, continuing from the Shatamachi series which ends Thursday. The Forum is also screening Henry King’s 1949 movie Twelve O’Clock a few more times this weekend, and on Sunday and Monday, it will screen Rowland Brown’s 1933 film Blood Money. This weekend’s Film Forum Jr. is George Lucas’ American Graffiti.

The IFC Center is gonna be pretty busy with Doc-NYC (see above) but its Waverly Midnights: Spy Games offering will be Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997) and Late Night Favorites: Autumn 2019 will screen Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange (one of my favorites).

Opening at the Quad on Friday is a 4k 20thAnniversary restoration of Joan Micklin Silver’s A Fish in the Bathtub, starring real-life husband-wife comedy duo Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara. The 1999 comedy from the director of Hester Street and Crossing Delancey is about a woman who finally had enough with her stubborn husband so she moves in with her married son (played by Mark Ruffalo!!!), driving him crazy enough to convince his sister (Jane Adams) to try to repair the relationship.

The Roxy Cinema will be screening Valley Girlo n Weds and  Alan Parker’s 1984 film Birdy on Thursday, both starring Nicolas Cage, and the 1979 film Draculastarring Frank Langella on Saturday.

Uptown at Film at Lincoln Center, they’re kicking off a short series called Jessica Hausner: The Miracle Worker, including a sneak preview of her sci-fi thriller Little Joe, and showing her earlier films Amour Fou, Hotel,Lourdes, Lovely Ritaand a bunch of shorts.

MOMA continues Modern Matinees: Iris Barry’s History of Film and Vision Statement: Early Directorial Works, the latter showing Sebastian Silva’s The Maidon Wednesday evening, Jane Campion’s The Piano on Thursday, Debra Granik’s Down to the Bone on Friday, John Cassavetes’ Shadows(1959) on Saturday and Kelly Reichardt’s Old Joy (2006) on Sunday, as well as Cristian Mungiu’s 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days.

The Alamo Drafthouse in Brooklyn will show Tom Hanks’ The ‘Burbs on Thursday night in conjunction with Rotten Tomatoes, then next Monday’s Fist City is America Ninja 2: the Confrontation from 1987, Terror Tuesday is one of my favorites, Final Destination 3 (2006) and Weird Wednesday is the 1984 film Decoder.

Out in Astoria, the Museum of the Moving Image will screen Paul Verhoeven’s Starship Troopers (1997) on Saturday as part of its ongoing “No Joke: Absurd Comedy as Political Reality” series. Friday night, its showing Godfrey Reggio’s 1982 classic Koyaanisqatsi, introduced by Ramell Ross as part of his “Some Other Lives of Time: Subjective Spaces for Nonfiction” series. I have no idea what that means. MOMI is also showing Vassilis Douvilis’ The Homecoming as part of “Always on Sunday: Greek Film Series,” which apparently has returned after a six-month hiatus.

Out in L.A., Tarantino’s New Beverly has been showing double features of Jackie Brown with Lewis Teague’s 1980 film Alligator, and no, I don’t know the connection either. Friday’s horror matinee is David Cronenberg’s The Brood while the midnight movies are Pulp Fiction on Friday night and Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence on Saturday night. The Kiddee Matinee is one of my faves, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad and then Monday’s matinee is James Mangold’s Cop Land, starring Sylvester Stallone. Next Tuesday’s wacky triple feature is Stunts, Walking the Edge and The Kinky Coches and the Pom-Pom Pussycats. Now THAT is what I call a triple feature...

The Egyptian Theatre is showing Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman in a limited engagement but on Saturday, it will show Raoul Levy’s Hail, Mafia! (1965) as part of “Joe Dante’s 16mm Spotlight” with Mr. Dante in person. Over at the Aero, they’re having a series called “All the Right Stuff: The Artistry of Phillip Kaufman with the director in person and double features of Raiders of the Lost Arkand The Wanderers on Friday, Invasion of the Body Snatchers/The Great Northfield Minnesota Raid on Saturday and The Unbearable Lightness of Being on Sunday (with Juliette Binoche)!

The Friday midnight at Landmark’s Nuart Theater is the anime classic Akira.

Next week, James Mangold’s Ford vs. Ferrari takes on Elizabeth Banks’ Charlie’s Angels and Bill Condon’s The Good Liar, starring Ian McKellen and Helen Mirren.

[theajijicadventure]

Day 41 - May 22. 2019

Day 41 - Tomorrow marks my 6 weeks here in Ajijic. When I went to Spain a few years ago I was ready to come home after the 3 week trip! But, of course, that was a lot of traveling around and, in Spain, I wasn’t surrounded by English-speaking people (except on the bus tour) and I yearned for the English language. Here I am in one place and making it my home and, good or bad, I’m surrounded by English speaking people! I’m going to a group on Saturday, that I’ve been trying to get to for weeks, where they speak 1/2 time in Spanish to help the English speakers learn more Spanish and 1/2 time in English to help the Spanish speakers learn more English. I am told it is a safe, supportive and fun environment. I really need to practice hearing Spanish and learning to understand it. I hope this helps!

I’ve had some good days...what feel like triumphant days. A few days ago I was told I had to make a decision about how long I wanted to stay in this apartment because some others had expressed interest in it for later this summer. My landlord was graciously giving me right of first refusal. After frantically calling people here and trying to assess my options I STOPPED (dropped and rolled, so to speak). I realized I was trying to get everything orchestrated for the next 5-7 months. I realized that I needed to pull back and ask myself where did I WANT to be in the next 5-7 months. Do I want to stay through the end of the year? Leave end of August? Or what? I got in touch with the ideas I have for November and decided that I could and would commit to stay here until the end of October. There was an ounce of fear but, for the most part, it that felt right. This has been a journey of trust, faith-like trust, and I need to remember that all is unfolding just fine, and will continue to unfold just fine.

I’m exploring renting at the tiny houses at Namaste Chapala; I met a woman yesterday who mentioned that she is leaving her apartment at the end of Sept and I may be interested in her apt (plus she’s a realtor and knows a lot of people; I’m speaking with a fellow who’s lived here a long time, with lots of connections and he’s keeping an ear out for me and another well-connected friend who knows a lot of people. I now affirm that I again am walking in trust and faith in my path! I will not only not be homeless in the high season, I will be in my next right and perfect home.

Two nights ago, I moved my bedding out to the living room. It is still warm but sooooo much cooler than the bedroom. Then my landlord came today with the new foam for the couch that she promised and now my new, temporary bed has even more cushion. I didn’t sleep great the first night but did much better last night and know it’ll be even better with the new cushion. I actually awaken in the morning a little bit cold and actually have to pull up a little blanket to cover my legs. I LOVE IT! My mood has lightened tremendously and I don’t dread bedtime. (Though I’ve been told be two people in the last two days that the season could go on until almost mid June. I almost cried. But...I know that if I can at least sleep, then I can weather this heat (pun intended). LOL

Yesterday I went to a Rotary meeting for the first time. They meet at a beautiful hotel, Real de Chapala, that is right on the water and has a lovely pool (pics below). I had no idea it was there. I have so much more to explore! (I think I need a car!!)

I knew nothing of Rotary until a friend in CA talked about it all the time and how much she enjoyed it and being part of the community projects they sponsored. The people were very nice and welcoming. The doctor I met with last week is a member there (which I didn’t know until she was the one who responded to an email inquiry I sent in) and she offered to sponsor me. The current president is the doctor who’s clinic she works at. In my introduction I mentioned that I am a psychotherapist and after the meeting, he asked me if I might be interested in seeing a few patients at the clinic as their current therapist was leaving. Things can sure happen quickly when you let go!

I was also invited to a day tour with the group in a couple of weeks... a joint, bilingual outing with the staff of a Hyatt hotel. We’re going to Tequila, MX for a tour of the tequila distilleries and the history there. There will be NO tequila for me but it will still be interesting AND it will give me a chance to be out of Ajijic and see more of the area. This opportunity with Rotary seems very promising to me. I haven’t done much volunteer work in quite some time so this will be good.

Now...to my friends in recovery I should be fine on this trip. I never did like tequila anyway. But, if anything gets hairy or dangerous, I will be reaching out!!!

More...I needed water this week and the young man brought the bottle up for me as usual but, this time, he looked at my water bottle base and said it was too dirty. (I never even noticed.) He cleaned it for me thoroughly, including the spout and washers, and put it back together before setting up the water bottle. I was touched...and he got a good tip.

(Ya know, I’ve been having ongoing stomach issues. I wonder if the crap in the water bottle could have been hurting me. I’ll have to keep a watch for any positive changes, or not.)

I have been writing...doing better than I would have thought. Thank you all for your supportive energy. When I’m ready I’ll be asking you to take at a look at the site but, not yet.

I hadn’t been out all day so I took a walk to the malecon tonight. The sun setting on the way...pic below.

That’s all folks...

[allmymisters]

For the Love of China

I just woke up. That’s a lie. I woke up around 2 hours ago. I awoke from a dream I can’t remember and a peacefully sleeping Mister who does that snoring that sounds like he’s whispering “poo”. I used to do this thing in my head, when I was about to go to sleep. It was to calm me and clear my thoughts, but I would imagine this little Iggy like character in my head, climbing through my brain to the top of the stairs. He had a little room there and he would turn on the light and there would be a very large blackboard full of doodles and writing and he would literally erase my thoughts. When he cleared the board, he would turn the light off and I would go to sleep. When I was a child, I never sucked my thumb, nor did I sleep with my parents. Across the hall I slept in my crib and then that crib turned into a bed eventually, but I was not the type of child who was uncomfortable being alone and my parents were not the kind that would coddle me. When I was a kid, I’d play with my hangnails to get to sleep. Strange I know, but I’d start at a quick pace and as I would slow the pace down to go to sleep. Some people count sheep, I played with my hangnails.

I wasn’t a nervous child. I was shy, but not nervous. Anxiety was something that occurred the night before a trip or the night before the first day of school. I never was affected by it the way my friends say they are crippled by it. Something has happened to me recently and I don’t like it, actually I hate it. The older I’ve gotten the more stressful my life has become. Job stress, money stress, relationship stress, health stress…what was invisible before has now ravaged my nervous system like a freight train. Why has this happened? What did I do that my mind and my body have decided to betray how I compute.

When you scroll down Facebook posts you’ll notice a pattern with people. It goes from “My kid said/did this” to “I have an opinion about the current state of the world” to “My (insert family member) died” to “Look how much fun I’m having on said vacation”. We know every anniversary, birthday, death, birth, new job, new partner, etc etc. Look, I’ve read and listened to a lot of psychologists and experts talk about how social media affects us and I think it affects us in different ways. For me, it’s more of a strange place where you can’t disagree with anyone or I’m reading about some pretty personal stuff for the world to see or I’m realizing how sad I am that I don’t have a cute baby to show everyone or a cute dog for that matter. As of two days ago, it was acknowledging that the two guys I dated in high school were arrested for some pretty serious sexual misconducts.

I have emotional OCD. I can’t help it and noticed my mom is the same way. We lash out in two different ways. We get angry and tell the world to fuck off and then we cry in the shower at how hurt we are. My family was always big on the “suck it up and move on” or “don’t ever let anyone see you’re weak, be smarter”. I think I’ve lived a majority of my life like this. I care way too much about things. Being a natural empath can be rewarding, but can also turn on you in a most wretched way. I fixate on things bothering me. I will go through scenarios, the why, the what, the how. I will talk to that person in my head and say exactly what I want to to them and then see them as though I have no complaints. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m bold enough, I just don’t see what it would really do but become my problem.

I’m trying not to care. I’m actually trying not to notice what’s happening to me. My body is falling apart. I thought I’d be one of those cool ladies you see memes and documentaries about. The ones that are growing old gracefully with designer bifocals and purple hair. My mind has grown and continues to do so, but my body is being an asshole. When you start to see the transition it gets scary. The grey hairs, the aches and pains, the weight gain (for some), the lethargy and most of all the crushing anxiety. I’m having serious issues with anxiety recently and the only thing that has helped are my new acupuncture appointments. But as with all things I experience, I don’t want to have to be helped or ask for it for that matter. It’s challenging, but I’ve always seen myself as someone who can handle her shit. So, I thought.

“Iggy where are you!?”

My mind races in the middle of the night. I go to bed fine, but if I awaken, it’s a nightmare. I try to get Iggy to come out and he’s there but he either erases the board and it refills instantly, or he just stands there looking at it, as though he’s stuck in some video game prompting me for his next direction.

What do I have to work on tomorrow? Can I sell this woman’s house? Am I doing the right thing with my life? Why does he have to work tomorrow? Am I going to lose my hair? I need to go to the gym. What should I get my parents for Christmas? I’m so angry about my camera! Why haven’t I heard from her, do they just not like me anymore? I want to go somewhere. I miss my dad. I hope my dad is ok. I wish my brother would come visit me. I wish I could afford to go see them, i hope those fires aren’t too close to him. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Ok, relax, deep breaths. Why is my heart beating like this, am I dying…fuck…fuck…am i ever going to lose this weight. I need to just go to the gym. Oh my god, stop snoring! I need new glasses, shit I need to reschedule the dentist because I don’t have money right now, how am I going to pay for the window…..

And it goes on and on and on and on. From me thinking I have cancer to wondering when the next tragedy in my life will occur to am I going to have a job tomorrow. I get it, I’m not alone, there are other people who have this stuff going on, I just don’t like it. It’s physically tearing me apart. I’m about to turn 47 and I’m wondering where my womanhood has gone because let’s face it, I’m 22 forever. It’s disorienting and for me, very frightening. I don’t want to have a heart attack in my fifties you know?

I used to love being an empath, recently I hate it. There’s an emptiness I’ve been carrying around with me and what used to be a simple brush off the shoulder and has now become some colossal underlying stress ball of unimaginable proportions. My doctors have told me that they are quite surprised I’ve gone this long without completely losing it. When I look at them with “tha fuuuck?” look, they explain going through that much trauma in one sitting can put most people over the edge, but two therapy sessions in, after a suicide, an excruciating end to my marriage, the death of one of my best friends, the news that my ex boyfriend and friend had died while at mentioned best friend’s funeral, the loss of my close knit circle and the loss of my job due to all of the above was good enough for me. I moved forward. Moved forward in a very zig zaggy, drunken fashion making no stops for breath while being accused of being unforgiving, angry and abandoned. Yep, seems about right. It’s been nine years and I’m afraid it’s finally all caught up with me, like a tsunami from hell.

“Take a Xany”

I don’t do pills. I will fight to self heal before having to take something for it. No offense to you who have found resolve in it, I’m just not that person. I just wanna feel better! I want to sleep. I wanna enjoy my morning instead of walking straight to my computer. I want to figure out a workout routine. I want to tell people no. I want to not feel like my heart is in the Kentucky Derby. I want my body to slow down. I want time to slow down. Slow the fuck DOWN! Why am I so apt to be that overachiever? I think because for so long I’ve been overlooked in my duties, and now, I’m finally getting recognition and to be honest it feels fantastic. My therapy comes from helping others, that’s my selfish reason for doing the things I do. So, how do I make it stop? I don’t have an answer. Right now, being in a dark room for one hour every week with pins sticking in me seems to be the only thing that’s been working. It’s sad that, it is the only place, I can breathe and not think of all the things, even though the cost gives me its own anxiety.

It’s not greek to me

A few hours ago I couldn’t finish writing this piece. I wanted to write something because writing is my catharsis and to be honest, I was upset. It helps me work it out in my head. Instead, I started talking about it while my man comforted me and asked what he could do. I broke down. Blubbering like a fool, telling him how disappointed I am in my life right now, how I don’t know why I can motivate others and not myself and how alone I feel a lot of the times. I just want to shut it off sometimes. My brain that is, not my system. I don’t want to be fearful because that’s not who I am, yet I feel like I’m fearful everyday with everything I do and say. When did that happen?

I just want to sleep like the dead again so I can feel alive. Remember in our 20’s? Bed at dawn, sleep til work, repeat. I want to eat a piece of chocolate without feeling like I’ll need to buy new jeans next month. I want to tell people to eat a dick every time they tell me what I should feel and what I should say. I’m not feeling very punk rock these days and that’s what it comes down to. All these feelings I have about the world, the non-reciprocated relationships I have, the allowance of urgency everyone needs from me, and the disrespect I’ve received in certain situations are an implosion waiting to happen, all because the one emotion I owned, anger, has become some sort of disease. Are we no longer allowed to express our discontent for anything except what has been deemed acceptable and determined by some invisible sensitivity police? I think not. It’s not just about being consumed by anger, it’s more about being able to express and release. You know, throw some plates against the wall and then have a martini after. Maybe I’m reading into it too much, but for me, I think it is part of the reason why I feel so handicapped recently. I wanna mad. I want it to run through my veins and shout it out! It doesn’t make me crazy. It doesn’t make me unable to cope (fuck anyone who says I can’t cope with shit) and it surely doesn’t make me non-confrontational. I don’t like this new, “Don’t let them hear you” mentality. It’s my right to embrace my humanity and that includes being angry and having my own perspective. So, I’m getting my plates ready, because I’m tired, so very, very tired, and there’s nothing Greek about that.

[themakingofkai]

L&D

I wanted to record my take on the arrival of TBD Kaleem Rokadia somewhere and I figured I hadn’t told you guys yet anyways so feel free to ignore these journal like entries - my feelings won’t be hurt. Also I only get small chunks of time to myself so this will likely sound inconsistent and be written in installments.

Tuesday - I’m at lunch with another expectant mom and I get up to put on my jacket and I feel a gush. Did my water just break?! Shoot - I’m strep B positive so if my water broke, I have to go to the hospital even if I’m not in labor. Bummer, I was hoping to labor at home as long as possible since we did get the apt so close. Call my OB and they say to come into the doctors office to assess what’s happening - luckily their office is two blocks away as well. OB says it was my mucous plug which can include water like ish and that this is a sign of labor to come but no timeline. During my vitals my blood pressure is high but my adrenaline is also pumping bc this may be go time. I’m 1cm dilated and they send me home. I’m quite pleased that there is still a chance to labor at home.

Tuesday evening - I start to feel period like cramps. Likely literally at the period level of pain which it’s been 9 months so it’s hard to decipher how bad the cramps are. We walk to an open house at our pediatrician office which I had signed up for 1.5 months ago. The crampsget a little worse during the Q&A session and I imagine myself going into labor amongst a bunch of other pregnant couples and one of the pediatricians - I’m feeling like I’m in good hands.

Tuesday overnight - Ummmm...those aren’t cramps, those are contractions - funny, I didn’t expect contractions to feel the same as cramps but it is early labor so that makes sense. We start to keep track and the timings are all over the place. I can definitely tell when a contraction peaks but I can’t really tell when it ends bc it just kinda fades away. But the timings aren’t really keeping a pattern. The rule of thumb was 4-1-1 which is contractions every 4 min, each lasting 1 minute and that going on for 1 hour. This ish was like 30 sec or 14 or 45 and sometimes 2 minutes apart but sometimes 15 minutes apart. We decide to watch the newer Law & Order SVU episodes I had been waiting on to pass the time. Nothing like a child abduction to get you in the birthing mood. Around 3am we give up on keeping track and the contractions haven’t gotten so bad that I can’t sleep. I go to sleep thinking that tomorrow is going to be the day - AAKKKKK! - should I look at my vagina one last time tonight before it goes through all the crazy?!? Naw, too sleepy.

Wednesday - we have a scheduled OB appt in the afternoon so I start cleaning everywhere and make sure our bags have any last minute items. Wow - today is going to be the day isn’t it? It’s kinda weird the like know. I hadn’t known when it would be for so long and now the end felt so near and I was ready to be pregnant for another week easily. 39 weeks exactly today. Contractions are still inconsistent but in effect.

They take my vitals again at the OB and my blood pressure is high again - calm down Uzma. You getting too excited about this. I have a couple of contractions while in the waiting room and I can tell the other women are paying attention to us- anjum writing down times, my cringing and my lame attempts at breathing. The OB sees us and they do another physical exam and I’m only about 1.5cm dilated. Really? Dangit - those contractions felt more like proper early labor instead of cramps now so I thought things had progressed. I’m told I’m having prodromal labor.

Wait what - is that like false labor that could go on for days and I could not be in labor until like next week. But they want to take my blood pressure again because the heightened BP is concerning. It’s high again so our midwife advises that we go to the hospital to do some BP monitoring to ensure it isn’t something like preeclampsia. She gives us the heads up that is a chance they will admit us so take our bags and get something to eat before going as well.

Wednesday early evening - I go to Mr Falafel but can barely eat my food. The crampy false labor pains are kicking in a bit more. Two police officers in line before us are intrigued that we felt the need to stop at Mr Falafel on my way to the hospital. Probably bc I can’t stand and take a seat while anjum orders takeout. I can’t wait for the food - anjum walks me home and then goes back to pick it up. I cuddle up to endure my last few contractions at home in the comfort of my bed. Anjum gets home and tries to feed me but also tries to gather a load of dishes to get done. We head to the hospital and it isn’t too busy on the L&D floor. Triage is quick and I’m hooked up to get BP monitored immediately. Now the other things they hook up to me shows us the baby’s heart rate and for the first time, we can see when a confection is happening/coming. Woah - that’s weird. So anjum can give me a heads up when one is on it’s way and when it’s gotten over the hump of it’s peak. Ravi Patel is the doctor (resident) that sees me and he examines me. I’m only 2cm dilated. Hmm. The nurse has to draw blood but she recommends I get an IV put in in case I’m admitted. I didn’t realize I had an opinion until later but her IV installation skills were dope! And she made sure the location was somewhere it wouldn’t bother me for future possible baby holding.

Wednesday night - so the contractions keep getting stronger but I’m not dilating so they say they want to insert something called Cervidil and it could go in for up to 12 hours to help me dilate. I’m mildly worried bc they recco I don’t get an epidural before this and I was already in some pain. Also the first 2 hours of insertion I can’t get up so I’d have to use a bedpan. Did I mention this was my first time staying at a hospital in my life? And now I was adding my first bedpan experience to it as well. Good times - ugh. Overnight were the fun contractions - the ones where I cursed at the world and sometimes anjum would try to help me breathe and relax or he would just be apologizing that I had to experience this. When I was able to get up and walk, I would have contractions standing up and just lean on anjum like Weekend at Bernie’s style, all limp and lifeless. Anjums size came in handy because I would literally have him lift my body out of bed to the toilet - I was tempted to punch him at times but I held back.

Thursday morning - they took out the cervidil but I hadn’t dilated too much so potocin was going to be needed. I had clear instructions from two girlfriends to get an epidural before starting potocin bc the contractions get even more intense then. So I made the request and took on a few more intense contractions while waiting for the anesthesiologist. EPIDURAL FOR THE WIN! Such a game changer.

Thursday noon - I’m not dilating fast enough and the baby’s heart rate shoots up and plummets to unhealthy places with each contraction, my heart rate was also shooting up. They think it could be the potocin so they stop administering it hoping I’ll naturally contract and dilate.

Thursday afternoon - I can hear the midwife and doctor sitting next to me, watching the monitors and discussing options. My midwife was way against epidural and interventions during any of my doc appts so hearing her be on board for alt options feels serious. I’m half asleep but hoping I’ve dilated enough to get this party started. They check me, I’m at 7cm, and that’s not enough. At this rate it would be another hour per cm and then the stress of actually delivering could be dangerous for the baby. They talk with anjum and I about a csection and in that moment I feel emotionless. I know the birth plan goes out the window and there is a 50% chance of csection with preeclampsia but that wasn’t supposed to be us. I finally open my mouth to ask that I want to make sure anjum can be with me and the emotions roll in. I’ve never had surgery; I wasn’t ready for that; why us; what could I have done to prevent this? I had primrose oil at home and that was supposed to help with effacement - I should have used that. Anjum was calm and comforted me as I nervously agreed that continuing may be risky.

C-section the process was a lot faster than I expected and anjum was by my side. I felt movements and pressure but no pain. They wouldn’t let anjum watch bc of the risk he may pass out so he was behind a curtain with me. The anesthesiologist who was a total desi aunty was the first to call that the baby was a boy just as they were about to show us so we could find out. Thanks for that, aunty. We were told earlier that our baby would go to the NICU after birth but the pediatrician attending the csection examined him and determined he didn’t need to. What an amazing relief. I was so groggy and at times couldn’t keep my eyes open after he was born but this I could comprehend - my baby won’t be going to the NICU. Anjum got to spend time at the warmer as they examined, he ceremonially cut the cord, and watched him get cleaned up. They brought him over to me for skin to skin time after he was examined and cleaned up. I had the choice to have anjum stay with me or go with the baby and I sent him with the baby. Then I was left alone while they cleaned me up but I was still behind a curtain. I was left with my thoughts and occasionally falling asleep bc of how sleepy I felt. I remember having all sorts of vivid thoughts in that time but I can’t remember them now. I reunited with anjum and baby in the PACU recovery room. I was so out of it that I had anjum stay by the baby’s side anytime they took him to get checked up or anything. Anjum ran back over to me from the warmer where baby was being checked out by another pediatrician to ask if it was okay to give the baby a bottle. His blood sugar was a low and she recommended it. ACK! I wanted to breastfeed and the first thing he would eat was gonna be a bottle. I was in no condition to disagree with a pediatrician so I said okay. In hindsight I could have tried to have the baby latch on to me. I didn’t realize I already had colostrum until another hour or two later when one of the nurses encouraged and showed me how to have the baby latch on. So another one of those not according to plan situations but after the first bottle, his been breastfed since so perhaps that wasn’t the worst decision.

And here we are a week later and we still don’t have a name for our little untitled baby boy. We are hoping to fall asleep and wake up to some inspiration on our short list. Wish us luck!

And you now know we decided on Kai Kaleem Rokadia. Born 2:32pm on Thursday, Dec 14th. 7lbs and 19.75 in length.