#i have got a fancy monitor. Do i use it? NO i use the crappy laptop screen

[fayzart136]

Best (?) quality: his giggles.

[littleredwolf]

Confessions

Pairing: Tony Stark x reader

Summary: Defeating the galaxy’s biggest foe and being brought to the brink of death causes Tony to get a little sentimental. 

Warnings: Endgame spoilers. 

Word Count: 1,969

A/N: I hope you enjoy some Tony fluff. ^^

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You chewed your lip as you glanced at the clock for what felt like the millionth time, the knot in your stomach twisting tighter with each second that passed. You turned your attention to the door opposite, your leg bouncing erratically as you resisted the urge to jump out of your seat and charge through it in your impatience. You hardly dared to think about what was going on on the other side, all manner of scenarios rushing through your head. 

What was taking so long? Had something gone wrong? 

That last thought alone caused your breath to catch in your throat and you hastily got up and walked to the nearby water cooler, busying yourself by filling a plastic cup and gulping down the lukewarm liquid. It wasn't the most refreshing experience, but it eased the lump in your throat. When the sound of the door handle turning filled your ears you whipped around to face it, eyes wide as a doctor and nurse emerged. You looked at them expectantly, waiting for them to break the news. You hoped it was good news. 

"Everything is fine," the doctor assured with a polite smile. "He's going to need a little rehabilitation and there's a few things to keep a careful eye on, but he's going to be okay." 

The sigh of relief you breathed could have knocked them both off their feet, as all the anxiety and uneasiness that had been building up over the last 12 hours fizzled and ebbed away. 

"Can I see him?" You asked hopefully, chewing your lip again as you nervously awaited a reply. 

The doctor and nurse shared a knowing look, before the doctor gave you a sympathetic smile. 

"You can see him," he nodded, "but please keep in mind what he's been through. He's going to be okay but he is in pretty bad shape - just keep that in mind and try not to be too alarmed when you see him." 

You nodded in understanding, a new wave of anxiety rolling over you as you placed a hand on the door handle. After what seemed like an eternity you were finally going to see him. So many hours of waiting with nothing to do but replay the last time you saw him over and over and over again - it had driven you almost mad. Now, you were allowed to see him, and it all felt so surreal. 

Taking a deep breath, you swallowed your nerves and stepped inside. 

-

The rhythmic humming and beeping of machines filled the otherwise silent room, and as you laid your eyes upon the figure on the bed you felt a wave of emotions overwhelm you. Relief, shock, worry, guilt, happiness, sadness, all swirling around like a chemical cocktail. You stepped forward with legs that felt like lead and stopped at the end of the bed, resting a hand on the frame and just looking at him. Taking him all in. 

Tony Stark, the symbol of strength and durability, lay bruised and broken before you, tucked beneath a crisp white hospital blanket. A multitude of wires snaked out from beneath the cover, attached to various machines that monitored who knew what - all that mattered was that they were keeping him stable. The beeping of the heart monitor was like a symphony to your ears, reassuring you that he was okay, he was alive. After everything that had happened, Tony Stark was alive. 

A single tear rolled down your cheek as the weight of the situation hit you. It could so easily have gone the other way. Using the gauntlet against Thanos should have killed him, the power in the stones more than any human could endure, yet somehow, against all odds, he'd survived. For once in your life, you were grateful for his stubbornness. 

"Are you gonna stare at me this whole time or are you actually gonna say something?" Tony's voice cut through the silence, weak but still filled with his usual sarcasm, and you jumped at the sudden sound, blushing in embarrassment for getting caught staring. You quickly wiped the tears from your eyes and came closer to sit beside him. 

"I thought you were asleep," you said softly, voice threatening to break. 

"That's even creepier," he remarked, and you couldn't help but roll your eyes with a smirk. 

"Nice to see you still have your crappy sense of humour," you teased, causing him to pout. 

"Hey, you're supposed to be nice to me, I almost died." 

"Really? You're playing that card already?" It was surprising how easy it was to fall back into your old habit of swapping banter - it made the current situation a lot easier to deal with, which you suspected was exactly why Tony was doing it. The serious talk would come later, when he was ready, but for now you were happy to lean on humour as a coping mechanism. 

"Just tell me, how's the face? Because that's the real money maker."

You took the opportunity to really look at him, heart sinking as your eyes trailed over every bruise and cut and scar - reminders of what he'd been through. He looked a mess, but it was a relief to see that the impish glint was still in his eyes. 

"Well, you're not gonna get any calls from Vogue anytime soon, but it'll do," you shrugged, unable to stifle a giggle. 

"Ouch!" He gasped, holding a hand to his heart. 

A heavy silence followed and you found yourself struggling for what to say next. When Tony’s hand touched yours you looked up to meet his eye. 

"I'm okay," he reassured, squeezing your hand. "I'm okay." 

You shared a smile as your eyes filled with more tears, and you finally allowed the emotions you’d been holding back to break through. 

"I was so scared," you breathed, inching closer and gripping his hand tighter. "I thought we'd lost you." 

It seemed wrong that he was the one who'd almost died yet you were the one sitting there crying, but now that you'd started you couldn't stop, as sobs ripped through you and the tears just kept coming. Tony did his best to comfort you, rubbing circles into the palm of the hand he was still holding and encouraging you to let it all out. He'd been through hell, but he could only imagine what it must have been like for his friends to witness it all unfold. 

"You could've just said if I looked that bad, you know." 

"Shut up," you giggled through your tears, taking a series of breaths to help calm down. 

"You know, there's something I realised while I was busy thinking I was dead…”

"Yeah? What's that?" 

"We may be a bunch of superheroes with fancy technology and the best gadgets money can buy, but it only takes one crazy guy, high on power, to bring it all crashing down." 

"I'd really rather not think about that just yet." 

"Sorry, it's just...I nearly died, and of all the things in my life I've messed up or regretted, not getting this off of my chest would have been my biggest mistake." 

You raised an inquisitive eyebrow, sitting straighter in your chair in preparation for what he had to say. 

"When I thought it was over and was heading towards the light - yeah, it's real - I didn't see God or St Peter or any other bearded guy waiting for me...I saw you," 

"What?" 

He nodded, "I was done, Y/N. I was ready to die. I knew all along that's how it was going to end, and I'd accepted that. I was sick of fighting, just delaying the inevitable. I was ready to go, but then, right at the end, I saw you, and I remembered why I'd been fighting so hard in the first place." 

You weren’t entirely sure where this was going, but your heart beat just that little bit faster in anticipation anyway. 

It was no lie that you’d harboured feelings for Tony over the years, but you'd never once expected that he might actually feel the same. It was much easier to bury it away than admit how you felt about someone with his reputation. 

"I couldn't leave without telling you how I really felt. Because it's you, Y/N, it's always been you - you've set me straight when I've lost my way, you've pulled me back from the edge more times than I can count. You've stopped me getting carried away, going overboard. You've always been there making sure I stayed on the right path, and I guess I wasn't ready to admit it before but, I kinda liked the thought of you having my back. I guess nearly dying puts things into perspective, but I just know that I couldn't leave without telling you how I really feel." 

You stared, dumbfounded, as he babbled on. "Tony, what are you trying to say?" 

At this point you were pretty sure your heart had stopped beating altogether, that familiar knot of anxiety twisting in your chest again. He took a deep breath as he carefully contemplated his next words.

"I love you, Y/N. I've loved you for a long time, but I never wanted to admit it because I knew that if I did it would mean it was real. I've spent so many years building this persona, wrapping myself up in a safety blanket and hiding away from my emotions. I didn’t want to just lay everything out for the world to see and make myself vulnerable." 

"But. You're Tony Stark." 

"I'm aware of that, yes."

"You're one of the biggest names in the world. You're important. I'm just a nobody."

"You're not a nobody, Y/N. Not to me."

Tears filled your eyes again but this time for a completely different reason. You couldn't deny that you hadn't thought about this moment from time to time, imagining how it might feel if he were to feel the same, but now that he was actually confessing it, it didn't feel real. 

"It's always been you," he repeated, cupping a hand to your cheek and swiping a tear away with his thumb. 

"Oh, Tony," you whimpered, leaning into his touch and closing your eyes. It felt so good to feel his warm palm against your skin, as though his hands had been made just to hold you. When he moved to tilt your chin up you opened your eyes, finding him already looking at you with an affectionate smile. 

"Does this mean it's okay to kiss you?" He asked, though he was sure he already knew the answer. Without another word, you leaned forward and closed the gap between you, pressing the most gentle of kisses to his lips in fear of hurting him. He hummed in content and ran his free hand through your hair, holding you close for just a little longer. 

When you parted, Tony rested his forehead against yours, the two of you closing your eyes and relishing this quiet moment between you. You weren’t sure when you’d get another, knowing the others would be here soon now that he was awake.   

"You're not just saying you love me so that I smuggle you in some cheeseburgers are you?" You asked after a while, pulling away to look at him with a raised eyebrow. 

"No, but is that a request I can make?"

"Well, I don’t want to get caught,” you thought aloud, tapping a finger on your chin for added effect. “But I can get Happy to pick some up for you. That way my hands stay clean.” 

Tony grinned, the mischief in his eyes mirroring yours.

"That genius thinking is just one of the many reasons why I love you," he grinned, pulling you closer for another chaste kiss. 

[mrnicholas]

@evakaname replied: Gosh im hunting a color accurate monitor since years now too and cannot find a truly good one on this crappy market, each has major flaws and its a lottery to actually get a good or bad panel no matter which u choose and its driving me insane.... for, research reasons, may i ask which model u got and how it performs? Thanks! (Tho im looking for 1440p cuz 4k is too much to drive for most programs and scales shitty, and all really pro ones seems to be 4k lol... but still)

Well in that case my situation probably won’t be of much help to you either as I had an extremely limited budget and low requirements. But I’ll answer anyway. I originally wanted  a Dell Ultrasharp. My best friend has one, which I use to check my work from time to time and it’s absolutely gorgeous and accurately calibrated right out of the box, huge bonus. Never had a single issue with it, but it was a little out of my price range so I was looking for something in the 200 or under range just for color checking. My biggest requirements were that it had to be 24 inches (I don’t have space for anything larger) to have accurate color and a decent contrast ratio and an IPS panel and that was...pretty much it. I didn’t plan to use it for gaming or anything fancy and 1080p is more than enough resolution for me to work in. Consider I have been working on a laptop for almost 10 years now. It’s a TN panel so AWFUL viewing angles and only 46% of the srgb gamut with horrible contrast/black levels. It’s seriously atrocious. So literally anything would be a massive upgrade for me. But after looking around there was only one monitor with a wide gamut in my price range. So I went with that since it had good reviews. So the one I chose is  a Philips 246E9QDSB. (https://www.displayninja.com/philips-246e9qdsb-review/) It’s 1080p so under the resolution you prefer. But 129% of the srgb gamut so impressively color accurate for a budget monitor and it is. I compared it to my friend’s expensive Dell and honestly I can barely tell a difference. It’s lovely. Way more than I thought I could find at this price range and way easier on my eyes. I ended up only paying 129 for it at Amazon and I’m super happy with its performance thus far. It’s Vesa mountable, but doesn’t have good placement for it if that’s a consideration for you. The mount will block the ports but there is a work around for it apparently. That’s really the only bad thing I have to say about it right now. I had looked through tons of reviews both on sites and youtube before I bought it. Like you said, most monitors are a crapshoot and you can get bad panels no matter who you go with or what model. If you have the budget I’d suggest something in the Dell Ultrasharp series as wow they’re nice. But if you want a good one on a budget I really do recommend this one.  Granted I haven’t had it very long so I can’t speak to longevity, but so far it’s perfect and at that price if I have to replace it for any reason down the line it won’t hurt so much as a 400$ monitor.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Quarantine

Summary: After an accident at work leaves the reader exposed to a dangerous virus, she has has to spend two weeks in quarantine with her ex-boyfriend, Dean...

Pairing: Doctor!Dean x Nurse!reader

Square: Accidental Confession

Word Count: 2,700ish

Warnings: language, angst, fluff

A/N: Written for @spngenrebingo​

“Two weeks!” you said, a pair of gloved hands pointing for you to continue walking down the hall. “You can’t stick me in quarantine for that long!”

“It’s just a precaution, mam’,” said the man in the sealed up tight rubber suit. You groaned, following him down the hall until you rounded a corner, spotting someone else sitting in the room you were going to be stuck in.

“I am not sharing a room with him for two weeks!” you said.

“Get in the room mam,” he said. You whined but walked ahead, knowing you had no other option. You saw Dean tilt his head up from one of the beds as you were led through a pair of special doors that sealed behind you. Another opened and you entered the room, yet another pair of doors sealing behind you.

“You have got to be kidding me,” said Dean, standing up and going to the door. “I want my own room!”

“There’s only the one room. You both have to stay in there for the next two weeks,” said the man through the glass wall. “You were given instructions on how to get anything you need and will be provided food on a regular schedule or at request. You will be monitored from the other window bay.”

“I already hate this,” you groaned, kicking at the door you knew wasn’t opening anytime soon. The man walked away and that small hallway quickly went black, your focus going to the wall of glass windows with people moving around on the other side.

“I got an idea. We don’t talk to each other,” said Dean.

“Fine with me.”

12 Hours Later

The light in the window bay was dimmer as only one woman sat behind a desk outside. It was late and you figured most people were gone home. Or they’d listened to Dean’s complaints to give the two of you at least a little privacy. He was laying on one of the hospital beds, tossing a ball against the far wall and catching it. You couldn’t stop pacing the room though, couldn’t get yourself to relax.

“You’re not claustrophobic. Why are you freaking out?” he asked without looking at you.

“Maybe because I potentially have a horrifying disease with no cure and am going to die very painfully,” you said.

“You always worried too much,” said Dean, tossing the ball over your head as you walked past.

“You were the worrier, not me,” you said.

“What were you doing up on the fifth floor anyways?” asked Dean, pausing when you didn’t answer. “You weren’t...coming to see me, were you?”

“As if. Coffee machine on fourth was broken,” you said. “No one ever goes to the doctors lounge on fifth so-“

“So that’s how we both got exposed to the lab accident down the hall,” he said, tossing the ball again. “Why don’t those assholes have to be stuck in here?”

“They were wearing suits and are being monitored at a secondary location,” said the woman over the intercom, both of you jumping.

“Eavesdropping much? So what, are we in the dying room?” asked Dean. The woman gave Dean a long look before she flipped off a switch, the intercom quiet again. “Well that answered that question.”

“What? You aren’t afraid?” you asked Dean.

“Not really,” he said. “I’m exposed to crap everyday and I never so much as get a cold. I’ll take my chances that I’ll be just fine.”

“So...you seeing anyone?” you said. Dean narrowed his eyes. “Or should I say, sleeping with anyone?”

“I can sleep with whoever I want,” he said.

“Sure. Just this time, make sure not to cheat on the poor girl,” you said.

“Is that why we broke up? You actually think I cheated on you?” he asked as he sat up. “I remember trying to talk to you about it but you just left, moved out while I was at work, never said a word to me again.”

“I knew you’d lie,” you said.

“You’re so fucking dumb. It’s a good thing we did end things,” he said.

“Don’t be mad because you got caught,” you said.

“Sure, whatever. I’m a cheater,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Don’t try to talk to me about it or anything.”

“I saw the texts, idiot,” you spat back.

“I was planning a fucking surprise for you, idiot,” growled Dean.

“A fancy restaurant and hotel room? What, the ‘I’m dumping you for another woman’ surprise?” you scoffed.

“More like the ‘can my friend put that crap on her credit card so you don’t find out’ surprise,” he said.

“Nice excuse,” you said, rolling your eyes.

“It’s the truth,” he said.

“Yeah. I totally see why you would suddenly start acting shady and have other women buy hotel rooms for you,” you said.

“I was gonna ask you to marry me you dumbass. I was going to surprise you, go way overboard and all that romantic shit. But I guess I’m just some cheating scumbag that was wrong about the kind of woman I wanted to marry if she wouldn’t even talk to me about it,” he said.

You swallowed hard, staring at him.

“Oh? Got nothing to say?” he said.

“Why didn’t you tell me that?” you said.

“Why did you assume I was a bad guy? You didn’t let me explain,” he said.

“I’m going to bed,” you said, plopping down on the mattress with your back to him.

You woke up with a headache, Dean quietly reading for most of the morning. By lunch you felt sweaty and were making excuses to run to the bathroom.

“Hey,” said Dean, making you jump in the shower when he came inside.

“What?” you asked, wrapping your arms around yourself. You peered around the shower wall at him, Dean closing the door behind him.

“You’re sick,” said Dean, reaching a hand out to your forehead.

“Don’t touch me. I might kill you,” you said, turning away.

“You aren’t that kind of sick. You’re anxious and it’s making you feel crappy which isn’t good for your immune system and considering our situation, that needs to be in working order,” he said. “We stow our crap for now, be civil.”

“I’m mad at me, not you,” you said.

“Well ease up before you actually get sick,” said Dean.

“We have worked in the same hospital for the past six months and you never once thought about coming to me?” you asked.

“I thought about it but...I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I was trying to respect it,” he said.

“You were gonna marry me?” you asked.

“Maybe it’s better this happened. We realized the kind of people we are,” he said.

“Yeah. I’m an idiot,” you said, resting your head against the shower wall.

“Even if you thought I lied, why didn’t you say something?” he asked.

“Dean-”

“You literally can’t run away from this conversation,” he said, crossing his arms as he leaned back against the door. “Talk.”

“Heather’s...pretty,” you said with a shrug. “I figured you were bored with me and wanted someone...better.”

“Heather is my friend and that is all she is,” said Dean. “You still didn’t answer my question.”

“I didn’t want you to humiliate me, alright? Everyone already knows I dropped out of the residency program because I couldn’t hack it. If you cheated on me with the pretty girl in our year too…” you said, cursing to yourself. “I wound up becoming a nurse. I couldn’t even-”

“Hey. A patient attacked you when your resident didn’t say anything about him being a psych case. Everyone understood when you didn’t want to be in med school anymore,” said Dean.

“Leave me alone, Dean. Please.”

Three Days Later

You were physically feeling better, the doctors saying that five days with no strange tests results yet was a good sign. But you were still stuck with Dean and he was doing his best to get you to talk again.

“I would never cheat on you, you know. I was yours til the day I died,” said Dean. “You just left.”

“I know that, Dean,” you gritted out, squeezing your stress ball for the millionth time that day.

“I can’t get over the fact you thought I cheated,” he said.

“Oh yeah. Well, you’re only a top surgical student and handsome and smart and funny and a bunch of other shit and we both know you settled for me because your mom was hounding you,” you said.

“You really think I thought so little of you?” he said.

“I think I’m stuck in here with you and I want to be on the other side of the planet right about now,” you said.

“You’ve thought I cheated on you for sixth months,” he said. “I know how you can twist things and let them get to you. I bet that one took the cake.”

“Just stop talking. Please,” you said, throwing your pillow over your head.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because it was easier to think it was your fault but it wasn’t, it was mine and on top of still not knowing if I’m going to die, I have all that guilt suddenly on me so I’m sorry I’m not in a chatty mood,” you said, curling up into a ball.

“Are you crying?” he asked.

“No,” you shot back, knowing you were two seconds from losing it. You swore you’d never cry over him again. But you felt a shudder run through you and then you were burying your face in your pillow, trying to take deep breaths.

“Y/N,” said Dean, a hand suddenly on your back. “It’s alright. I’ll shut up about it.”

“You never could stand it when I cried,” you said, wiping your face off. The bed dipped behind you, Dean’s back pressing up against yours.

“Well we both fucked up. I can’t be pissed at you for not talking to me when I gave up on trying to talk too,” he said, rubbing the spot between your shoulder blades.

“Don’t make me feel better,” you said.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because you can’t be so forgiving,” you said.

“There you go, assuming things about me again,” he said but there was no malice in it. Neither one of you said anything more until they started to dim the lights out in the hall. Dean went back to his own bed but he let you have his extra blanket, something he used to do when you were having bad days.

You sighed as you curled up into the thing, willing yourself to sleep.

“Have you been on a date since…” said Dean, tossing the ball to you from the other side of the room the next day.

“Nope. You?” you asked.

“Nope. Hard to find someone willing to deal with random shifts and my unique personality features,” he said. You laughed as you threw the ball back, Dean smiling.

“Unique personality features. I like that,” you said.

“Beats labeling yourself as a self-depreciator,” he said. “Girls aren’t attracted to that.”

“You beat yourself up too much,” you said.

“That’s something we always had in common,” he said. “Never seemed to scare you away though.”

“I see something in you that you can’t. Stuff you hate, I like,” you said with a shrug.

“I lost a patient a few months back. I could have really used you around,” said Dean after a moment.

“My dog died. Well, my parents dog,” you said.

“Skippy? You loved that dog,” he said.

“What are we doing Dean? We aren’t a couple anymore,” you said.

“Maybe we can try being friends again,” he said. “If I end up dying, I’d rather do it knowing we were friends again.”

“I thought you said you weren’t scared,” you said.

“I lied,” said Dean, tossing the ball back to you. “Friends?”

“No. I don’t deserve that,” you said.

“I thought I was the self-depreciating one,” he said. “Come on.”

“Okay,” you said, rolling over on your bed to face him. He gave you a smile from his own, your eyes shutting after a minute. “You know the patient wasn’t your fault, right?”

“Yeah. But it’s my job to save ‘em,” he said. “I don’t want to talk about work. Hey, did you ever go to Europe during the summer like you were planning?”

“No. I didn’t want to go,” you said.

“You were so excited though. What happened?” he asked.

“I was so excited to go with you. I never made reservations, just went home to my parents for a week instead,” you said.

“I’m leaving the hospital,” said Dean. You opened your eyes, Dean’s hair falling down over his forehead where it was jammed against the pillow. “Going to do a family practice. One of the docs over there retired and it being a family practice and all that, the benefits from the state, they pretty much pay your student loan off for you. They need more of ‘em. Plus there’s less stress, normal work hours...there’s an opening for a nurse there too. I was thinking of recommending this chick.”

“Who?” you asked.

“Who do you think?” he said. “You hated night shifts from day one of med school. What’s the harm?”

“Dean.”

“Y/N.”

“Slow. We can’t…we need to try and be friends first,” you said.

“Alright and we can be work friends too. We live, promise you’ll consider it,” he said.

“I promise,” you said.

“Okay. I can live with that.”

Three Weeks Later

“Dr. Winchester,” said Sally who’d been showing you around the office. “This is nurse Y/L/N. Today’s her first day. Dr. Winchester just started earlier this week.”

“Dr. Winchester hates being called doctor, don’t you,” you said with a smile.

“I keep telling Sally that but she don’t listen,” teased Dean. “Y/N and I go way back.”

“Oh really? That’s great. Dean you mind showing Y/N around the rest of the way? I got a toddler in three waiting for a lollipop,” said Sally.

“Sure thing,” said Dean, smiling at you once she took off. “So...glad to still see you around and kicking.”

“We both got clean bills of health. They said it was stress that made me feel crappy during it,” you said, Dean humming. “You uh, like it here?”

“Yeah. There’s not that competition bullshit we dealt with. No cliques and we all get to go home everyday at 4:30. It’s awesome,” he said.

“Wow, eight hour days. Not sure what’ll you do with having a life again,” you teased.

“Was thinking of asking this nurse if she wanted to come over for dinner tonight,” he said. You stared at him, Dean smiling. “I got your favorite pasta.”

“I thought we said friends,” you said.

“Yeah well I changed my mind. I was dumb, you were dumb. We didn’t talk and I’m not throwing away the best thing that ever happened to me over a misunderstanding. I’m not ready to be proposing right now but give me a few months. I just want to make you dinner again,” he said.

“I don’t know if I trust myself not to hurt you like that again,” you said.

“I trust you. Please. One date,” he said.

“...You get those breadsticks too?” you asked.

“Duh,” he said, biting his bottom lip.

“Alright. Six?” you asked.

“It’s a date, sweetheart.”

[anne1066-blog]

30th January 2019

This is a new idea that Jane suggested because I have various things niggling at the moment and I can’t quantify them.  So this is a very private blog diary just monitoring how I’m feeling and where I’m at.  I might share it with friends or I might not.  Why put it on a public platform?  Well pressing post makes you really feel you’ve set the feelings free and put it out there even if no one actually reads it.  It worked for me before when I was getting a load of stuff out of my system regarding a failed engagement, cheating and a pretty intense relationship with a much older man who had 3 children.

Where am I at today?  Bloody knackered.  I’ve basically called in sick all week with a recurrence of a cold that didn’t have major symptoms but made me feel crappy and subhuman.  I’ve fought through it a bit to work in extreme cold and also to go an a weekend with friends in York which of course I did enjoy but I also didn’t enjoy it as much as I should have.  It felt way too short.  I need a get away from my life at the moment.  There are a lot of hard decisions to face and I know I’m not managing them all that well.

So to recap what got me to where we are today:

In 2014 I moved to Oxfordshire to set up a cheesemaking dairy.  It was a brand new start for me and had the promise to be an exciting chapter in my life.  I learned a lot from it  - how to plan a new building specifically for a cheesemaking facility, how to find the site, plan the layout, source the milk, decide on a marketable recipe, build a brand (not the first time I’d been involved in branding to be fair) and not least but troubleshoot a recipe which ended up being the achilles heel. As it turned out the milk production standards weren’t really up to the recipe we wanted to make.  After months of cheese we didn’t want to sell, I was made redundant. I don’t want to be bitter but I feel there were some bad commercial decisions made by my business partner who was meant to be in charge of sales.  She charged ahead with full scale production when the cheese wasn’t good enough to sell at full price and she also gave away vast amounts of cheese which could have been sold for at least a price that covered costs.  All of this lead to a financial crisis and that was it - I was gone.

Before that happened, I had what had was a life changing holiday around the world which happened just as the cheesemaking dairy was opening and needing to go into production - it was 6 months over schedule. It was a revelation though.  I flew to countries I had never visited and had to negotiate them by myself.  I had a couple of days in Dubai, flew through Singapore (never left the airport to be fair so it doesn’t really count), flew on to Australia and from there to New Zealand after a very brief overnight stay in a hotel near the airport and from there after driving solo around South Island to Sydney, the Cook Islands, Santa Monica, San Francisco and then home.  It took 6 weeks and it really made me feel confident; not least because after years of being invisible to any guys out there but I got attention in every place I touched down in - some rather more meaningful than others to be fair. In Dubai, I connected with our desert tour guide who was a worker from Pakistan living in the UAE (not Dubai it’s far too expensive but the more restrictive Sharjah where women’s rights are quite seriously undermined).  He was an outsider but loved the desert and remembering the way the Namib desert had made me feel many years ago, so did I.  Our fellow travellers were good time tourists so there seemed a contrast between them enjoying the desert safari tourist activities and me just enjoying the culture of the country and the stillness of the desert.  i know that makes me sound extremely up myself but I can’t think of another way to describe it.  He asked me out on a date which never happened and in retrospect that was a good thing.  I would never have realised that things like holding hands with a potential romantic partner are forbidden in Dubai nor would I have realised that normal activities like kissing a first date can actually get you taken to prison.  After Dubai, I flew to New Zealand but happened to talk to my co passenger on the flight to Adelaide and have a very interesting conversation about colonialism and England’s position in Australia - not heavy - we joked about it - food for thought all the same which s the point of travel after all.  In New Zealand, I met up again with lovely friends I hadn’t seen for years and also met up with my sister and her boyfriend and my friend Cathi’s family who welcomed us as part of their big, lovely family too. It was an amazing time to feel so incredibly accepted and welcomed. And again I connected with someone, my friend’s older brother (also the only other single person there - I may have decided unlike me to flirt a bit with him as we were the only singletons there).  He was a lovely, funny, warm guy who as a chef was a great person to cook with and this was an area we had in common.  After the wedding ended and we moved on to normal life (him) and the rest of my holiday (me) we stayed facebook friends and he often is one of the first people to like my posts even to this day because he’s a genuinely great person. In Sydney, i went out to dinner with my uber glamorous friend Cristiana and because she’s open, chatty and lovely we ended up on a communal table in a restaurant when we went out for a meal and she got involved in conversation with a noisy group of guys sat to our left.  One of them was looking at me and when I went for a ‘comfort break’ he actually approached Cris to say I was lovely and ask who I was! From Sydney I flew to the Cook Islands where I met a lovely lady (not in thet way) who invited me to go swimming with her family after the kids got back from school and who took me down the road to my hostel to collect my swimming things on her motorbike.  My first time on a motorbike and frankly a bit terrifying.  I also get ogled which hadn’t happened in let’s say about 20 years in London.  In San Francisco, a waiter who I had quizzed about local cheeses and wines slipped me his telephone number on my bill.  I didn’t find it until I sorted my receipts back in the UK and hadn’t fancied him anyway so just as well but all helps the ego doesn’t it?  Especially when you’re over 40 at the time and have resigned yourself to no one finding you attractive anymore.

Anyway so that’s my trip and there was so much more too that I don’t have time to write about. The key thing is that I came back feeling much more empowered and confident.  I had travelled the world by myself and not only that but after years feeling invisible I had finally felt attractive again.  Boosted by this, I decided to take action, try internet dating again and this time I actually met someone.  I was a bit concerned about meeting him - he was openly into kink and sexual things I wasn’t experienced in but as well as that he was warm, made me laugh and I was interested.  I wasn’t openly attracted to him when we met.  There was certainly something there - we had been very open when messaging and honest and I fancied his personality but as usual on a first internet date, the nerves kicked in and it was difficult when we first said hello to feel anything much.  I knew that would happen though so when I couldn’t think of anything to say to him and he moved in for a reassuring hug, I decided to turn it into a chemistry test and effectively snogged his face off for about 90 minutes until our table reservation was ready.  That certainly broke the ice so conversation flowed more easily afterwards and I made moves to go back with him to his place after the meal where I could test the theory further.  I was relieved and rather pleased to find that the attraction wasn’t just based on text messages and being a gentleman he also drove me home and stayed in touch afterwards.  We met up a few times and eventually decided to get together.  I would never have had the courage to do this if I hadn’t had my empowering holiday and since we’re still together despite the odds 4 years later it was definitely a good move.  

However this was all very new when I was made redundant. He assured me he wouldn’t be going anywhere but it was too soon to move in together so I moved all my 3 bedroom house’s worth of belongings back to my parents’ house in Marple and looked for a job. I emailed anyone I could think of to explain I was looking for work and found somewhere in London that seemed a great match.  It was with a Spanish importer looking to improve their cheese maturation and whose owner I had worked with before  when setting up Borough Market in London.

Unfortunately although the interview went well, the owner wanted to work with me and my references thought it was a given, I failed their HR tests and I have to be honest it knocked my confidence extremely badly. I took another job that seemed exciting and had been a second choice due only to location - north Yorkshire, a long way away from the lovely new boyfriend.

I worked with them for 3 months before again, redundancy. This time, they great ideas they had had for expansion which I was a key part of, had to be put on hold because of a disastrous Christmas in which various storms flooded large parts of the north of England and cut into their sales. By this time, I had bought a house nearby and now had to find a new job and work out what to do with a house I had hoped to make a home.

Initially I had looked to resurrect the house which had at the time all the hallmarks of having been owned by an elderly couple who loved it and had also done nothing to it since probably the 1960s in a way i would live in.  The plans changed to make it something that could be sold or rented and without wishing to be dramatic, with that a little bit of me died at losing my home.

I didn’t wallow though, there was work to be done.  The house needed substantial work including rewiring, replastering, a new kitchen and new decorating and floors throughout.  By the time it was finished it was actually rather lovely.  I felt sad that i wasn’t going to live in the results of our work and sad that I wouldn’t be living in a beautiful part of the country. Actually I felt very sad not to be living in a house whose renovations I had initially begun with a view to making it my home. But again I had been looking around for another job although with a heavier heart this time.  Being knocked back 3 times will do that to you. This time I had a message from a friend who makes cheese in Suffolk and her cheeses are extremely well regarded so helping her albeit on a basis that wouldn’t be full-time seemed like a great idea.  We tried it out and she reckoned I could work 2-3 days a week although with some big changes to the recipe as she was currently making cheese at midnight and cat napping to accomodate the make schedule.

So I moved to Bungay in Suffolk.  It was different - flat lands where I am used to seeing hills, but it had an artistic, musical community and I  started to look at property prices again wondering about living there if the job worked out.

I had been there a month when Brexit happened.

My constituency was a big Brexit voting area.  I saw people in my local co op looking afraid when their children spoke polis to them.  I began to feel much less welcome myself.  It seemed there was a big difference between the artistic fringe in the area and the locals who resented anyone who moved in whether they were Polish or just from Marple.  I stopped feeling welcome.  I actually felt observed, scrutinised and as though I didn’t belong.  iI felt like Roystn Veasey.  ‘You’re not local are you?’

The vote itself upset me more than I realised it could.  I spent months watching the 2012 Olympics ceremony which was a celebration of multicultural Britain and crying my eyes out as racist hate crimes increased across the country and in he wake of right wing extremists killing the pro-Muslim MP Jo Cox.  During the football in the Europe that preceded the vote as violance and yobbishness hit 1908s levels among chants of ‘We’re leaving the EU and we don’t care’, I could see what the results of the vote were going to be.  An MP was murdered and my worst fears were confirmed.  And yet 52% of the country still cast their votes with a racist ideology and Nigel Fargae’s openly racist campaigning.  If I had been concerned about EU corruption and taking back control, his anti muslim poster and the rise of race crime before the referendum empowering racists to openly abuse people in public in a way they had not felt able to for over 30 years would have convinced me this vote was not going the way I hoped and I would have changed my mind.  I respect anyone who did this and I can not forgive anyone who didn’t.

[makingmoneyonlinemethod]

Bluehost Review – 7 Pros & 4 Cons of Bluehost (Server Speed Tested!)

 Bluehost

https://www.bluehost.com/

 Bluehost is a fantastic choice for beginners who want to build their first website for their businesses or blogs. Their onboarding process and automatic WordPress installation makes everything feel very easy to use. They may not provide the best value or service, but their product just works.

 If you’re flopping about, unsure whether or not to use Bluehost as your web hosting provider, worry not – you’ve stumbled on to the right page.

 Here at Bitcatcha, we’re a little obsessed with web hosting (our doctors say it’s borderline unhealthy).

 We’ve gone ahead and gotten ourselves a Bluehost account, run some performance tests on their shared hosting plan, and we’re ready to present to you the most definitive Bluehost review you’ll find on the internet.

  A Little Bit About Bluehost

 Founded by a very young Matt Heaton and Danny Ashworth all the way back in 2003, Bluehost has been around a LONG time.

   They’re practically dinosaurs in the industry, but that ain’t a bad thing – having been around for so long means that they’ve learned a thing or two about web hosting, and are able to provide their users with a kick-ass user experience.

 For a web hosting provider that’s known and used by people all over the world, Bluehost has but 1 datacenter, which is located in the US. That datacenter powers all of their clients’ websites, which adds up to a whopping 2 million, and is growing by the thousands each day!

 Hot Damn!

 They obviously made quite an impression in the market, because, in just 7 short years, they got the attention of web hosting giant Endurance International Group, which proceeded to acquire them into the EIG group of companies.

 With the support of EIG, Bluehost managed to substantially grow their once small team to a family that’s 750 people large, allowing them to provide much needed round-the-clock support for their customers!

 Not impressive enough for you?

 Then check this out – Bluehost is also one of the 3 web hosting providers that are actually recommended by WordPress!

 If you’re wondering why that’s impressive, it’s because 30% of sites in the entire world wide web is actually powered by WordPress. In other words, they’re the rock stars of the internet and getting an endorsement from them is similar to getting your workout gear endorsed by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

 Now that you’re acquainted with Bluehost, let’s find out why, in our humble opinion, Bluehost is a pretty strong web hosting provider!

  7 Great Reasons To Pick Bluehost!

 1. Bluehost Is Surprisingly Easy To Use

 If you’ve ever built a website before and used a web hosting service provider with a crappy interface, you’ll understand the pain of logging into the dashboard and… not knowing what to do.

 Bluehost surprised us with their onboarding process. After completing the registration process, we logged in to the dashboard and before we knew it, clicked next a few times and then, *poof* magic – WordPress was already installed and ready to go.

 But pictures speak a thousand words, so here are some to show you what really went down after logging in.

   Bluehost will begin by asking you a series of questions about what kind of site you’ll be creating. Select an option from the drop-down menu, and hit continue. Easy-peasy.

   They’ll then ask what kind of site you’ll be creating, whether it’s a blog, e-Commerce site, or a niche website selling poop scented wrapping paper.

   Them pesky buggers will want to know more about your site, but worry not, because they have your best interests at heart. Name your site, think of a tagline, and rate your website building level on their noob detector scale.

   All you have to do next is pick a theme you like, and then boom, WordPress is automatically installed just like that! No need to worry about getting it installed in the wrong folder, or drastically messing something up.

   Bluehost will take care of the backend, while you just need to worry about customizing your site and making it look pretty.

 If you’re new to site building, I’m pretty sure you have no problems at all creating your site with Bluehost. Even those of us that are a little more seasoned will appreciate how convenient their dashboard is to use.

   Look out how beautiful that custom cPanel interface looks. None of that confusing looking dated mess that comes with stock cPanel.

  2. They’re Surprisingly Fast Around The World!

 According to thinkwithgoogle, fast site load speeds are important for online businesses to be successful, and server response time plays a HUGE role in getting websites to load up fast.

 However, with merely 1 datacenter located in the USA, we didn’t think Bluehost would do very well when put through our proprietary server speed test.

 Using our test site hosted on their basic plan, we went to town and started testing their response times – boy, we were dead wrong.

  Average Speed: 153 ms

 The American hosting provider responded exceptionally well, hitting speeds that are WAY faster than Google’s recommended 200ms in all countries, except for Bangalore.

 They’re obviously fastest in the USA as the datacenter is located there, but they’re no slouch in countries on the other side of the world like Singapore, Sydney and Japan!

 With an average worldwide score of 153ms, Bluehost is one of the fastest A-ranked hosting providers we’ve ever had the pleasure of reviewing. You can rest assured that no matter where your target audience resides in the world, Bluehost will be able to deliver!

 Well… except if your audience is in India. You might want to check out our piece on the best web hosting for India instead.

 LEARN MORE @ BLUEHOST OFFICIAL

 * User-friendly hosting with great speed at an affordable rate!

  3. They’ve Got High-Performance Servers

 Those of you with plans to run large scale e-Commerce websites or reddit-like forums would be happy to know that Bluehost offers High-Performance Servers that are suitable for your needs.

 Why is this important?

 Well, with shared web hosting, the purpose of the server is literally in the name – you’re sharing the space with other users, which helps reduce the cost.

 However, some users might accidentally (or intentionally) use up way more resources than allocated, which means that everyone else sharing the server with that user will experience site slowdowns – sometimes their sites won’t even load at all.

 With High-Performance Servers, Bluehost allocates fewer users per server, and each user is given a file count of 300,000 – this means more computing resources per user, consistent site load speeds, and less downtime caused by rogue users!

 BUT!

 As it is with all things good, there’s always a catch.

 Their High-Performance servers are only available with their Pro plan, which is a whole lot pricier than the rest of their shared web hosting plans.

 Guess if you want good performance, you’ve gotta pay for it.

 Quite frankly, we have every confidence in their servers. Our test site is hosted only with their Basic plan, and even then, the uptime for it has been 100% since April 2018!

 Uptime since April 2018

99.98%

* Bluehost Basic Plan Uptime - tracked with uptimerobot.com

 If their shared hosting servers can produce such uptimes, we can easily expect the same from their High-Performance servers.

  4. Fantastic Security Features

 When we say security, we don’t mean features that just keeps your website safe from those fiendish, ne’er do well hackers.

 We’re talking about security in terms of peace of mind, and keeping spam away from the sanctuary of your brand new email inbox.

 Let’s look into peace of mind first.

 You don’t want to spend days, weeks, months, customizing and tweaking your business website to get it to look perfect and suited to rank on the front of page Google, only to load it up to discover that someone screwed the pooch and your entire website is gone.

 For this, Bluehost provides their users with CodeGuard basic – at $2.99 a month.

 CodeGuard Basic

 The name sounds cool, but it’s actually just a fancy name they came up with for their daily backup service. It’s not bad at all – monitoring your website/database frequently, notifying you if there are any changes, and automatically performing backups.

   The basic version provides 1GB storage space, daily backup and monitoring, and 3 restorations a month.

 If you need more, CodeGuard comes in Professional, Premium, and Enterprise versions too, but be prepared to pay higher prices for those.

 SpamExperts

 We assure you, Bluehost won’t be sending someone that can tell you the nuances between different types of pork used in SPAM products.

 Instead, SpamExperts is their term for an advanced email filter. It scans incoming emails for spam, viruses, phishing, and other email-related attacks by spammers, and filters them with a rockin’ 99.98% accuracy, all before it reaches your inbox.

 Basically, it helps your mailbox stay squeaky clean and junk-free.

 SiteLock

 In terms of actually protecting your website, Bluehost comes with a basic firewall that offers a minimal level of protection against external threats.

 However, If you want enhanced protection, you can get it in the form of SiteLock.

 SiteLock comes in three tiers: Essential, Prevent, and Prevent Plus.

 With Essential, you’ll get to enjoy automatic Malware removal, which does exactly nothing against DDOS attacks or anything major.

 With Prevent, the security level is upped a little with Automatic Malware Removal, DDoS Protection, 6-hour response time and….Image Optimization. Quite frankly, I don’t know what image optimization has to do with security, but it’s a feature I won’t be complaining about.

 Prevent Plus does everything Prevent can, but with the added benefit of having daily scan frequency.

 SiteLock is good and all, but the thing is, they all come as an add-on, meaning we’re gonna need to fork out more money to enjoy it. Come on Bluehost, you can afford to give your customers a little extra security for free!

  5. They’ve Got A Buffet Of Benefits

 Gone are the days where you have to carefully plan out the number of sites you’re planning to launch, and the kind of resources needed to run all of it effectively.

 Bluehost’s shared hosting plans come with all sorts of benefits, and best of all, almost everything is unlimited! We’re talking:

 ·      Unlimited websites

·      Unlimited SSD storage

·      Unlimited parked domains

·      Unlimited subdomains

·      Unmetered bandwidth

 You are basically free to create as many sites as you want with them! And you won’t have to worry about the number of visitors to your site!

 Be wary though – having too many visitors at the same time might take up too much resources, and Bluehost is notorious for deactivating/deleting rogue sites.

  6. Support Responds Very Fast!

 One of the most infuriating things in life is waiting for support to respond to you, especially if your site needs attention NOW.

 While we were setting up our test site, we were quite pleased to find that support responded via Live Chat very quickly. We’re accustomed to waiting at least 15 minutes for live chat support staff to respond, but the Bluehost support team consistently responded in less than 5 minutes.

 We didn’t try phone or email support, but with live chat responding as quick as they do, we hardly think that those methods of support are necessary, although it’s nice to have in case of emergencies.

 You won’t have to worry about support in different time zones either, because Bluehost’s support is available 24/7.

 Excellent job, team!

  7. Freebies That Matter

 Some companies will entice you to sign up with their service with shallow free gifts. We’re talking about those that market regular services as “free”, such as “free” 24/7 support, or “free” WordPress installation.

 Not Bluehost.

 With the all-American web hosting service provider, you’ll actually get freebies that’ll make a difference in your bank account.

 With every shared hosting plan purchased, Bluehost will throw in a domain name, free for the first year. To put things in perspective for you, domain names can cost anywhere from $8 to $872 million – yes you read that right. Here’s proof.

 Aside from that, you’ll also get the enjoy free SSL – now this might not be much, but every little bit definitely helps to make a difference to the small business owner!

 SEE FULL FEATURES @ BLUEHOST OFFICIAL

 * Unlimited website, SSD, domains, and more!

  4 Disadvantages Of Bluehost

 They say that every rose has its thorn. Well, turns out Bluehost is quite thorny.

 1. Bluehost Only Has 1 Datacenter

 We mentioned previously that we were quite impressed by how fast Bluehost’s 1 datacenter performed, and we still are.

 However, every millisecond counts when it comes to site load speed, and we know they can actually perform WAY better if they had datacenters in other continents to support audiences living further away.

 They might have one of the best worldwide average speeds among all the web hosting services we’ve reviewed, but if another hosting provider like SiteGround has a datacenter in Asia, it’s a given that sites will load up faster for target audiences located there.

  2. Untrained Trainees

 I hate to say this because we all start out somewhere, but you really have to be wary of support that are a little wet behind the ears.

 Bluehost doesn’t really make an effort to hide that they outsource their support team to India, which isn’t really a big deal anyway. I don’t mind, as long as they’re efficient and fast.

 But what I do have a problem is incorrect advice given by trainees.

 While setting up our test site, we asked the support team one really simple question:

 “Does Bluehost provide us with an Uptime Guarantee?”

 The support didn’t know what an uptime guarantee was.

 Fine, maybe it got lost in translation. We explained what we were looking for and their reply was YES, Bluehost has an uptime guarantee!

 So we asked him to point us to the terms of the guarantee and after going through it, we discovered that the provider does not actually guarantee uptime.

 Lucky that this is just a minor issue. God forbid this young support chap gives the wrong advice regarding something major and causes some real damage to our sites.

 Bluehost, if you’re reading this, PLEASE train your trainees. This is not acceptable.

  3. No Uptime Guarantee

 After ranting about it in the earlier point, I can’t really not talk about the lack of uptime guarantee here.

 Downtime is quite detrimental to any website. You lose potential sales or conversions if your site is experiencing downtime, and if it’s consistent enough, search engines might not even bother listing your site.

 This is why an uptime guarantee is important.

 It shows you that the provider is committed to keeping your site up and running, and they’re willing to compensate customers if they face downtimes of below a certain percentage.

 Not having one is a giant red flag in our books.

 That being said, we have to give Bluehost props – their uptime is actually fantastic, as evidenced by the uptime data collected from our test site.

 For the lazy, it’s been at 100% since April 2008. Quite an impressive feat!

  4. Dodgy Checkout Practices

 Pretty sure everyone reading this will be familiar with the sleazy used car salesman that tries to slyly upsell you things you don’t really need just to make a higher sale.

 Making a purchase with Bluehost feels a little bit like we’re dealing with people of that sort.

 Upon checkout, the box for SEO tools and Sitelock will be checked, which pushes the price up to close to $60 a year.

 These things are nice to have but are completely unnecessary, and unsuspecting buyers might just click next and make the purchase unknowingly – which happened to me.

   Make sure you uncheck these boxes before making your purchase (unless you actually want these features).

  VPS Hosting

 If you’re in need of VPS hosting, Bluehost’s virtual private servers are sure to please. Supported with SSD storage, you’ll enjoy all the power, flexibility and control you’ll need for your VPS needs.

 Plans range from $18.99 – $59.99 a month.

  Dedicated Hosting

 Bluehost’s dedicated hosting plans allow users to have unrestricted access to their servers. With their industry-leading robust platform, you’ll get to enjoy powerful flexible hosting at decent prices.

 Their dedicated hosting plans range from $79.99 – $119.99 per month.

 GET 33% OFF @ BLUEHOST BASIC (FOR $3.95/MO)

 * Price shown is based on 36-month subscription. ** 30-day money back guarantee!

  Verdict: Bluehost Is Good, But Not The Best Choice!

 Just because we didn’t pick Bluehost to be the best web hosting brand, doesn’t mean that they’re not a good service provider.

 They’re actually pretty decent, providing their users with fast enough speeds worldwide to ensure their users’ sites are loaded fast enough to generate a healthy amount of sales.

 With superb useability and great UX, Bluehost is fantastic for beginners. Their WordPress recommendation should speak volumes about their service.

 One thing we need to mention is that Bluehost is still using cPanel, which is great news for those of us that are accustomed to using it. Since cPanel increased their prices, most web hosting providers have decided to dump them, but so far there seems to be no indication of Bluehost dropping cPanel.

 However, the lack of an uptime guarantee got us pretty peeved, as most major providers have the balls to provide some sort of compensation if their users’ sites are down for a certain amount of time.

 The very fact that the companies are willing to put their money where their mouth is, inspires confidence. Bluehost does exactly the opposite without an uptime guarantee… what if the websites hosted with them go down for an entire week?

 Anyone can promise to “strive to maintain network and server uptime” but it means completely jack if they can’t sack up and foot the bill when shit hits the fan.

 However, credit where credit is due – we’ve never had a problem with Bluehost’s actual uptime before. As a matter of fact, the uptime has been 100% on our test site since April 2018!

 Our humble opinion is that Bluehost is a pretty strong hosting provider. They may not be the fastest and they may not be the best, but if you’re just looking to host a simple website, they’ve got all the tools you’ll need to do so effectively.

[purge-that-urge-rhackathon]

Mail order bride Rhys! Where omegas are routinely kidnapped and sold to the highest bidder and Jack decides he needs to get people off his back about "heirs to the kingdom." Rhys nearly stabs him to death after he opens that crate.

This labeled as All Sales Final. Thanks @thirtysixsavefiles for the title AHAHA Also on my ao3 here :) My masterlist archive of bullshit i write can be found linked at the top of the blog or here.

–

Jack sighed in annoyance as he gazed upon what should be the solution to his ever-present problems.

He’d thought “crate” had been an exaggeration, but there it was, right smack dab in his office where he’d had it delivered. The offending item was not what he’d pictured for the money he’d spent.

It stood upright- quite a bit taller than himself- old sticker labels that had been peeled off and reapplied identifying the contents as ‘generic biological samples’ to be handled with care. It didn’t stand out like something fancy and shiny might, thus it didn’t draw unwanted attention. It was an eyesore compared to the general grandeur of his office, but he supposed the real prize was what was inside.

This clearly wasn’t the first use the shipping container had seen, though considering the actual contents and the general illicit nature of the industry itself, that shouldn’t have surprised Jack.

The whole ‘mail-order bride’ idea had been funny to the alpha at first. As if Handsome Jack would have to pay for a mate, let alone not have his pick of the whole lot. But his annoyance and desperation with brown-nosing peons trying to manipulate him and get themselves into his bed for their own gain wasn’t only pathetic, it was trying on his nerves. Especially the way his old fart executives kept pushing sons and daughters under his nose.

He had a friggin’ end to all that nonsense; a prospective spouse waiting to be unboxed, all loyal and grateful and the very picture of devoted– if the life he was taking the omega away from was every bit as shit as the company claimed. The solution to everyone’s problem.

He ran a warm hand over cool, worn steel. The digital display told him that the ‘contents’ of the crate were alive and well, the h2o monitors functioning correctly, the ‘packaged’ date from two weeks prior. Quite a long time to wait but anything to get those gold diggers off his back was worth it.

Jack clapped his hands together as he stood before the crate. No time like the present to see what he’d purchased.

He entered a code into a false handle, locking mechanisms whirring around the seals and edges of the metal casing, and then pried the crate open, expecting the sight of a pretty new mate still in hypersleep.

What he got instead was nearly a new scar to the face, jumping back at the last second to avoid the sharpened yellow shiv that the wild-eyed omega lashed out at him with.

“Whoa–! hey, drop that shit!” Jack barked out as he danced away from the shiny metal object.

The omega didn’t cease his assault, disoriented enough from the change in environment that Jack was easily able to grab the offending wrist launching the attack. The other man didn’t let it go though, using the heft and surprise of a robotic right arm to try to knock the alpha asunder.

They both went down to the floor, and Jack used his heftier bulk to pin the lithe omega to his belly on the cool marble, forcing the smooth shiv from his hand and keeping the other man prone beneath him. A warning growl was humming in his throat as he settled heavy against the younger man, heart racing with adrenaline at the surprising violence.

Any other time and it might have struck Jack as amusing– pajama-clad omega with robot bits trying to carve out a handsome piece of Jack for himself. It would be right up there with the guy who had tried to assassinate him with a spork. As cute as it was hilarious.

But the fact that this guy could have taken Jack’s eye out if the alpha had been any slower gave the older man pause. The omega should have been asleep, and who knew how long he’d been awake in that box. Might have actually turned him crazy, meaning Jack would have to wait another two weeks for a replacement since he’d received damaged goods.

Said omega was cursing up a storm at the CEO as Jack kept him pinned in place with a huff, ignoring the snap of teeth that posed no threat at this angle.

“Calm your tits, princess, I’m not gonna hurt you… Unless you try to hurt me. Don’t do that, by the way. And quit squirming.”

“Get the hell off me! Where am I? Who the hell are you?!”

Jack snorted at the question, vanity wounded. He dismissed the fact that the omega refused to still beneath him, chuffing and growling in aggravation and still attempting to bite him. Jack kept him where he was.

“First things first, pumpkin. I’ll give that hypersleep didn’t agree with you to pull a knife on me, but I’m only giving you one pass on that. Don’t try that shit again,” Jack growled. “Second, you’re on Helios hovering about a thousand miles above a shit hole called Pandora. And be grateful for that privilege– bandit scum would wear your skin for pjs. Not that yours are much of a step up from the human-leather department.”

The younger man frowned as he looked back at Jack over his shoulder. Wisps of messy auburn hair fell into eyes that glared defiantly up at him– eyes of blue and brown. Well, that was out of the ordinary at least.

The omega’s tone matched the outrage burning from those eyes as he looked up at Jack. “I have no idea where that is or who you are or what the hell is going on, now let me up.”

Jack stayed right where he was, his ego deciding what order his priorities took. “You don’t know who I am? Seriously?” The omega just glared. “They didn’t brief you on just how goddamn lucky you are to be in your shoes?” Jack’s sarcastic incredulity wasn’t doing it for the pinned man beneath him. “Handsome frickin’ Jack? Most powerful man in the universe? Richer than god? Ringing any bells there cupcake?” The omega sneered at him, scoffing at the endearment, and Jack sighed at the lack of impression. “Shit, your brains must’ve been scrambled. How long have you been awake in there, kitten? I’m gonna give the company a piece of my boot if I have to send you back.”

The omega went still beneath him, expression going slack in a sudden realization that he tried to keep from his voice. “I’m not a slave.”

Jack snorted at the idea with distaste. “No duh pumpkin. But that’s neither here nor there.” He leaned closer and grinned as the younger man’s eyes locked with his and his nostrils flared, getting a scent on him. “Get a new life and a new spouse? Alpha-Omega Solutions? As far as crappy slogans go that one’s not too bad… None of this ringing a bell to you, huh?” The younger man growled beneath him. Jack huffed. This was not what he needed; more damn problems. “Mail order bride?” He only got a thinking frown in response, and he sighed again in annoyance, grip tightening then slackening on the omega. “What’s your name anyways, kiddo?”

The younger man was huffing, squirming once more. “M-Mail-order–?” he repeated, ignoring the older man’s question. “Oooh wait until my uncle hears about this. You’re gonna have half of Crius right up your ass and the other half down your throat if you think you can get away with kidnapping me! Get off of me you big smelly alpha!”

Jack blinked at such a threat and then laughed long and hard while he was cursed at yet again. The command in the voice of this string-bean pajama-clad omega did not match his abilities if their current position was anything to go by. And the pride in his voice over a little nothing planet like Crius– and that Jack would even bother to kidnap him- was a riot. That misplaced confidence was amusing at least.

Especially as the younger man continued to harangue him.

There was a snarl to those plump lips as the prone omega glared back at the CEO’s laughter, the alpha obviously not taking him seriously. “You’re not gonna be laughing later. Don’t you know who I am?! Get off of me, you knothead!”

Jack dismissively chuckled, ignoring that he’d asked the omega who he was already. “Don’t know, don’t really care anymore, doesn’t really matter.” Jack moved to give him a poke between shoulder-blades. “I didn’t kidnap you, dummy. And you’re staying put until we can reign-in that stab-happy little streak of yours. Calm your tits kiddo.” A growl met Jack’s ear, but the younger man finally went limp beneath him, breath still coming in petulant snuffs. “Good, glad we understand one another. Maybe we can actually talk like grown ups. Behave.”

Jack eased up, expecting some resistance from the omega clearly playing possum. A bite aimed his way at the very least. He didn’t expect a second blade produced from who knows where, but quick thinking and an elbow to the stomach had the younger man reeling, dropping like a sack of potatoes with a surprised grunt.

Jack stood over him with a huff and curiosity, blood thrumming with fresh adrenaline at the new attack. With the omega unconscious and no longer a threat, Jack felt a tension headache coming on, all previous relief gone like the bubbles of a stale beer. These complications he could do without.

He didn’t need this kind of shit. He knew the service he used was sketchy at best, but figured they’d know better than to fuck with him on delivery; especially after his custom request for a nice, docile bride– low-maintenance at the core of everything.

This solution to his problems seemed to be another problem entirely.

Someone, somewhere, had obviously fucked up.  

Well, he thought as he hefted the unconscious omega up over his shoulder, he’d take the younger man home with him for now. Not like he could advertise where or how he’d gotten him. Even with him being him, there’d be backlash over that. Handsome Jack might be an alpha, but he had endotypes of all types on his board of executives in powerful positions. Endotype discrimination was something he relished in punishing, and he was smart enough to recognize he’d have to murder a lot of people to get away with this type of shit. Though that never should have even been an issue; the omega he was sent was supposed to have known about the arrangement, and be happy for their new start.

Problems on top of problems on top of shit-flavored nachos of problems.

He’d get to the bottom of things with freakin’ Alpha-Omega Solutions after he locked the younger man over his shoulder away for a while. Maybe get his head checked out to make sure hypersleep hadn’t scrambled his brain. Or any other part of him.

He gave the omega’s ass a pat– pfft, bottom of things. Too bad this one was hell-bent on taking him apart. Pretty omega overall– pleasing on the eyes, nice scent, cool robot parts, mismatched eyes. If not for those pajamas, the fluffy-haired young man was pretty damn appealing.

At least if anyone saw Jack with the omega over his shoulder, it should get rumors of him finally getting himself a ‘bride’ running, and get executives and fortune hunters off his damn back.

Make lemonade out of lemons and all that bullshit.

–

Subsequent chapters will be posted on my ao3 here :)

[shootwinterfest]

Gift Wrapped

For @thetwelfthbunny

It was Christmas Eve, and all through the secret, underground subway headquarters of one team of courageous individuals lead by a super artificial intelligence…no one was stirring. Except for an admin in his three-piece suit quietly taping on his computer keyboard and a primary asset in his crisp white shirt cleaning his guns; they were just settled in for a long quiet afternoon. Until one petite primary asset and one analog interface entered the subway headquarters arguing and making such a clatter

Root and Shaw both walked into the subway with scowls on their face, not looking at each other. The Machine had reported back to Finch that Root and Shaw had saved several reindeer at the zoo. The Machine had recently started a new algorithm so now they also received animal numbers along with human numbers. They were all little surprised how many hits go on dogs and sometimes cats.

Tension filled the subway once the two disgruntled women joined Finch and Reese in the main cab of the subway; as they walked in close proximity, a mildly unpleasant odor permeated the air around them.

Both men turned to look each other, both failing to hide the twitches in their noses. Root and Shaw smelled like a heavily fragrant barn or perhaps a few litter boxes that needed changing. There was something else along with the foul smell, both women vibrated anger and were only exchanged glares at each other; instead of Root’s normal adoring eyes for Shaw and Shaw’s annoyed returned eye rolls. Normally the stoic men just ignored the sexual tension between the two women, but today this pissed off slightly hostile tension was actually even more uncomfortable. The smell was hard to ignore too.

Root and Shaw had been in a big argument all day. Root was upset with Shaw for upsetting the Machine. Now Shaw was angry because how do you upset chunks of metal? As she argued, it’s just nuts and bolts, basically. Shaw was pissed, mostly because something that doesn’t have feelings can’t be upset. She had that on good authority – her own. She thought Root was projecting, so she didn’t have to talk about her own feelings. In fact, they hadn’t talked at all recently, no innuendos and trademark cute, sexy comments. Shaw was starting to suspect the hacker might actually be mad at her. She never knew how much she would miss Root’s stupid come-ons until the perky psycho started being all Eeyore on her.

Shaw broke the uncomfortable silence with a surprise outburst.

“She can’t get upset, Root. She’s a Machine. See, she doesn’t even have a real name. You call her the Machine, not… Carol or Tina.” Shaw stood next to Finch with her arms crossed defiantly against her chest and huffed out a deep breath while glaring at Root.

Finch decided to try and change the conversation and steer it back to important matters.

“Were you able to save all eight reindeer?” Finch asked cautiously. “It smells perhaps that you were successful.”

“No. One wasn’t there,” Shaw replied back while still watching Root, “She has a side job at some fancy store uptown.”

Root turned to Finch. “Harry, maybe we do need to have a talk with her and see if there is a name she would like to use instead of the cold unfeeling implication of the Machine.” Root gave a hard glare to Shaw. 

Finch turned his head slightly to look at Root who was still staring intensely at Shaw. He glanced at Shaw and decided he wanted no part of their conversation or debate. Or to have Ms. Groves or Ms. Shaw’s barnyard odors latch onto his suit.

“Excuse me, I’m making tea…in the other room,” Finch said nervously. He stood up and hurried out of the subway car as fast as he could, searching for peace and fresh air.

Reese was cleaning his guns with his head down, praying the two women didn’t speak to him.

“Reese, help me out here,” Shaw demanded, turning to him. “She’s a machine. She doesn’t have feelings. Hence the name ‘Machine.’ Am I right? Or am I right?”

“Which reindeer has the side job?” Reese asked in hopes of ending the argument. It was Christmas after all, he would prefer one day with some small amount of peace. “Was it Comet?”

“It was Cupid,” Finch had walked back in with his tea. “The Machine is reporting there is a still a 78% chance that Cupid is in danger.”

The two men looked to each other, then they watched Root and Shaw who were clearly having an unspoken war shooting glares and side eyes at each other.

“What did you do, Shaw?” asked Reese, his face scrunched slightly as he glanced from Shaw to Root. His nose was scrunched too, he had no idea wrangling reindeer was such a smelly job.

“That part isn’t important,” Shaw said quickly back to Reese while Root shot her an annoyed look.

Reese looked over to Root who shot him a slightly murderous look, “I’m guessing it’s important a little.”

Finch walked back into the subway car. He looked back and forth awkwardly between his teammates and decided to change the subject in hopes of diffusing the situation, “The new number’s name is Gus Chasseur. He’s a thief and he just scored his biggest heist yet today…”

Before Finch could finish Shaw interrupted him. “Then why don’t we just get Fusco to arrest him and call it a day?” asked Shaw with a questioning look to Finch. “So I can take a shower and stop smelling like a rodeo.”

“Despite that today is Christmas Eve, there are several sets of people after Gus to kill him. If he doesn’t lay low for the next 24 hours, he will most likely end up dead either on his own, or dead on the streets, or dead in jail, during this holiday season.”

“We get it – dead. So where do we find him?” Shaw sighed and resigned herself to an overall crappy day. “And what? Just babysit him at a safe house for the 24 hours?” Shaw was annoyed with this whole day and apparently night. And smell, she couldn’t wait to take a shower.

Root started walking away, heading towards the exit of the subway.

“Have fun with that, Shaw. Later Reese and Harry and… uh, yeah…Merry Christmas,” Root waltzed towards the subway exit.

Shaw rolled her eyes, watching the hacker walk away. Fine, she thought, she didn’t need to see Root later today or tomorrow despite whatever day the calendar said it was. She walked over to the subway lockers and started gathering some supplies.

“What? Why?” Root said loudly, stopping in her tracks. She turned around, her face annoyed, and headed back to the subway car. She sighed so loudly and so dramatically as she approached the team in the subway that her performance was Emmy worthy. Actually, it was an automatic win.

“She’s telling me that I have to help Shaw with this number,” Root glared at the monitor as she crossed her arms; she stared down the Machine directly. She didn’t know why the Machine was insisting she help Shaw when they were both mad at her. Yet, she was a little sad she might not see Shaw for the rest of the day or tomorrow.

Shaw slammed a locker shut. Okay, so this was definitely how the Machine was getting revenge Shaw thought, forcing her to work with Root while they were fighting on some silly ass holiday day. Shaw would hope by now the Machine knew she never needed help. 

“I don’t need help, especially your help. Tell your robot girlfriend, I got this.” She went over to one of the lockers to get some guns, making sure to open and slam all the doors extra loud.

Reese and Finch looked to each other and silently agreed to stay silent.

Root let out a dramatic sigh.

***EIGHT HOURS AND 42 MINUTES LATER***

Root and Shaw laid face to face tied up together by a massive amount of tinsel, colored string lights, rope and even holiday paper binding them into one big gift wrapped present; the only thing missing was the bow. They were on their sides on a massive display bed in a storage room for a high-end department store. Both women huffed and snorted several times as they struggled to break free against the restraints.

The storage room was packed with stuff everywhere, clearly this was the place all the old holiday decorations came to die or more nicely put, retire. And for some bizarre reason all the electronic decorations were turned on, there were plastic reindeers, Santas, elves, Snowmens all lit up or moving in a rickety fashion like broken robots. Plus, multi-colored string lights hung up in the storage room, zigzagging across the ceiling and walls, illuminating the storage room with a comfy, cozy feel. Cleary, a lot of the overworked retail staff took breaks in here and made it a fun, festive place to relax for a few minutes before facing the harshness of holiday shoppers.

Shaw to admit, if she weren’t so pissed, she would be impressed with Gus’s wrapping skills. The charming thief actually made it difficult for them to escape thus far.

Even though it was cold in this secluded back part of the store, they were warm due to their combined body heat. The two of them together did make a cozy temperature, while so far not setting off any alarms.

Root and Shaw didn’t know quite what happened with Gus; everything seemed to have escalated pretty quickly. First, they were babysitting him and, the next thing they knew, they were helping him in a small jewel heist in this high-end department store. Three of them had snuck in one of the side entrances posing as zoo employees arriving to pick up a reindeer used for the Santa Workshop display. An actual live reindeer was helping the store Santa listen to snotty kids and their Christmas wishes. Now, they found themselves gift wrapped and held as hostages in hopes of bargaining more time for Gus. Turns out that Gus is safer in this department store than out on the streets anywhere. And for some big picture reason, the Machine said it would look better if Gus had hostages in the event he had to negotiate his way out the store. So since the store had emptied out and it was the wee hours of the morning, only two people won the roles of hostages. And one reindeer. At least they found Cupid and she was safe and sound somewhere roaming the store.

“She’s telling me that we have to go along with anything that Gus says or does,” Root had said in a rather annoyed tone to Shaw hours earlier. No matter how talented a thief Gus was, there was no way he’d get the drop on both a primary asset and analog interface; unless of course they were instructed to let this happen. 

After a few tense silent minutes of their gift-wrapped bondage, they both squirmed a little trying to see how they could break free. There wasn’t one inch of their front part of their bodies that wasn’t touching. They had been in this situation a few times before, of course it was always consensual and with less clothes; well, maybe not quite like this, this was more like intense forced cuddling or spooning. Every movement by one of them resulted in the other feeling it. They avoided making eye contact with each other as best as they could, but since they were tied up facing each other, their faces were only a few mere inches apart. The only part of their bodies not completely smashed up against each other were their legs, so Shaw started using this advantage to swing her legs over the side of the bed. Their legs kept brushing up again each other.

Root thought to herself, at any other time she would be more than excited at rare opportunity to be bound together with Shaw; yet today she was actually mad at her petite primary asset.

Shaw huffed and then broke the awkward silence. “She talking to you now?”

“She was always talking to me. She doesn’t want to talk to you,” Root squirmed more, trying to move her arms. It was no use. She could move her hands, but they were bound straight against her and Shaw’s body; the only thing she might possibly grab onto was Shaw’s pants and, well, they were both not in the mood.

“What? Did she go off crying to her teenage room and start blasting emo music while painting her fingernails black?”

This time it was Root’s turn to huff.

“Maybe if you apologized to the Machine she would get us out of this,” Root said coldly, bringing her eyes up to glare at Shaw. 

Shaw rolled her eyes. The whole thing was ridiculous, she thought; she was fighting with a super artificial intelligence. And by proxy Root, her…uh, teammate. She didn’t want to think about any other connections between the hacker and herself or words to describe their uh, affiliation with each other. They hooked up occasionally when Root was in town or if they had a joint mission that was all. Except ‘occasionally’ had turned into ‘frequently’ over the last few months and they were exclusive now so it seemed in some unspoken thing. Shaw thought, judging by her current predicament, wrapped up like a Christmas present with Root, that she was definitely losing this fight with the Machine. And Root.

Root loved any chance she got to physically close to Shaw, however in this circumstance was a bit challenging. And smelly. She knew fundamentally their argument might be seen as silly, yet it was the principle. This was not how she had hoped their first Christmas would go being together. Well, she thought being together was a strong phrase to use, whatever they were doing. She didn’t want to admit to herself how deeply she was falling in love with Shaw; she had a feeling the Machine knew though. Why else would they be stuck together on Christmas Eve. She had to smile despite herself.

Root started moving, trying to free her hands tied to her sides; her movement caused her to rub up against Shaw repeatedly.

“What are you doing?” growled Shaw, uncomfortably shifting as Root rubbed against her, pulling at the rope, tinsel, and brightly colored Christmas lights wrapping them together.

“I’m trying to get out of this gift wrap hostage situation,” Root snapped back. Although, the hacker found herself losing her anger because her body was betraying being this close to Shaw, like it always did. She felt her insides getting very warm and fair amount of throbbing emerged below her belt.

           “Stop that,” Shaw was angry and she didn’t want any of her body parts betraying her and going off another tangent while she was still mad at the hacker. She hated to admit it, but if Root kept moving the way she did that she was going to have trouble concentrating soon. Shaw cursed at herself for being so completely attracted to the annoying hacker.

“Move your body, c’mon Shaw.” There was a slight harsh edge to Root’s voice; she actually sounded irritated with her favorite primary asset. Although, she was just annoyed with herself for wanting nothing more to kiss Shaw senseless; however, Shaw had offended her god/best friend so she was trying to hold onto her anger despite her constant lust for Shaw winning.

“Start rubbing me.” Root said with a low serious quality to her voice; there was no way to interpret her voice as sexy innuendo at all. This was an all business voice. It was really weird to have not any innuendo thrown in sentence with the word rubbing used.

“What if Gus comes back?” asked Shaw as she looked around the big empty department store.

“I’ll just say we’re being affectionate.” Root smirked at Shaw, the first thawing sign. 

“Tied up in a department store with an armed, crazed criminal possibly lurking around and a petty super artificial intelligence who’s having a toddler tantrum watching our every move who in her pissy state would probably broadcast anything embarrassing we do for the world to see. And the fact you smell like a herd of sweaty cattle.” Shaw spat all out in one breathe. She took a big gulp of air then added, “She’s definitely in her tween years now, she jumped right past those cute years between drooling to angsting.”

“Just reach down and grab the tinsel there and pull it on it. I know you can tear practically anything; I’ve got a tattered wardrobe for proof.”

Root stopped moving around and sighed loudly.

“I can tear better with my teeth. Do you see me being able to stick anything in my mouth?” Shaw glared at Root and with their faces almost touching it felt immediately intimate. “Do not respond to that, especially with your mouth.”

“Like I would want to kiss you right now,” once again Root stole Shaw’s trademark eye roll.

“You always want to kiss me; it’s distracting to always have to deal with it when I’m trying to work,” Shaw snapped back.

“Can we talk about this later?”

“You’re actually deflecting this conversation? You are?” Shaw stared at Root with wide eyes.

“Hey, you pissed off the Machine. That’s important,” Root stared hard back at Shaw.

“Oh, because I pissed off your robot girlfriend, you don’t want to talk about how you sexually harass me all the time.”

“Sameen Shaw, and I quote from our first meeting, ‘I kind of enjoy this sort of thing’.” Root threw her head back as she exclaimed loudly, then returned her intense glare at Shaw.

“I ‘kind of enjoy’ whatever you were going to do to me in that hotel room. Not corny sex puns, endless innuendos, unresolved infuriating sexual tension at inappropriate times…” Shaw growled while reaching down and tugging on the restraints to free the both of them, “…shameless eye lusting and the general horndog vibe you give off whenever you’re around me.”

Shaw stopped a little breathless and stared at Root; she didn’t mean to lick her lips after her last statement, it just subconsciously happened whenever she was around Root sometimes.

“The unresolved part is all yours. Not to mention, you said the kissing was distracting, not me. So, really, wanting to kiss me…” Root licked her lips, tracing her eyes over Sameen’s mouth, “…is a distraction for you.” She knew Shaw had a certain weakness for her voice when it was slow and deep. So Root went very slow and lowered her voice very deep.

“That’s not what I said or meant about…” Shaw became very aware that their lips were almost touching, “…kissing.”

Shaw didn’t like to admit to herself how much she always wanted to kiss Root. She already kissed Root more than anyone in her life and she was angry right now, but she really wanted to kiss her. She was mad at herself that she never seemed to tire of Root’s lips or her kissing ability. She wanted Root’s mouth on her mouth, even though she did smell like a barn.

They stared at each other’s lips, breathes mingling.

“Was someone in the Christmas spirit this morning?” Root smirked while she asked Shaw the question.

“What? No, why?” Shaw shot back quickly and defensively.

Root leaned in even further and ghosted her nose around Shaw’s mouth, inhaling deeply.

Shaw tried to lean her head back and then found herself leaning further into Root like some magnetic force pulling her in.

“Peppermint mocho latte?” Root licked her lips and once again cursed herself again for being absolutely powerless against Shaw. And flavored coffee drinks.

“Its just coffee,” Shaw replied back with her eyes still focused on Root’s lips.

“Christmas coffee,” Root replied back with her eyes focused on Shaw’s lips. “I bet it tastes good.” Now Root really wanted that peppermint flavored Shaw tongue in her mouth.

Shaw shook her head to try and shake out of the trance of Root’s lips. They were still working a mission, even if it was some revenge plan of the Machine’s.

“Why did he have to tie us up together like this? What did you do to arrange this?”

“Sameen, why would I convince him to kidnap us then tie us together like this? For one of my bondage fantasies?”

Shaw gave Root a look said, ‘probably yeah, I could you see pulling something like that with the Machine.’ Root in return just smiled back to Shaw.

“I’m guessing you’ve got a huge boner right now,” Shaw said as she struggled against the wrap, but got nowhere, no matter how hard she pulled.

“I do.”

“I know.”

“Can you feel it from my pants?” Root squirmed and started rubbing her body against Shaw again; pushing harder if that was possible to loosen the restraints. Yet, also to relieve some of her mounting desire.

Root rubbed up against Shaw and with the way they were tied up included almost every inch of their joined bodies.

“Am I poking you too hard?” Root asked with a sly grin. She had to admit her anger was almost gone now and replaced with that horndog vibe that Shaw described. It was almost Christmas after all and sex would make a great stocking stuffer. Also, a great main present too. She thought to herself that Christmas sex with Shaw would probably be her favorite present that Santa could ever deliver.

Shaw rolled her eyes, worst line ever; even super terrible by Root standards. “Yeah, cause your clit is that big.”

“It is for you, Sameen,” Root smirked. She knew that line was particularly bad, but she didn’t care. She was still a little mad at Shaw, so she wasn’t going to give her the best lines just yet.

“So, all of sudden, you’re not mad anymore?”

“Well, it is Christmas and we are gift wrapped together…” Root smirked to Shaw. And Root had to admit, it was fun being tied up with Shaw. Even if the Machine was mad, she had a fun way of getting back at Shaw.

“Which doesn’t mean anything…”

Shaw squirmed hard against Root, she tried several other tactics such as puffing out her chest and trying unsuccessfully trying to move her hands up but they could only reach Root’s belt buckle. 

Suddenly, Root pushed her hands between the two of them and started trying to unfasten Shaw’s pants.

“What the fuck, Root?”

“That is the idea, Sameen,” Root smiled at Shaw who just rolled her eyes.

Root succeeded, of course, as she wiggled her bound hands to clumsily unzip Shaw’s pants and slipped both tied hands inside at a very awkward angle. Her stomach got that magical airy feeling when she felt how turned on Shaw actually was.

“Feels like someone is excited, either for Christmas or being tied up” Root breathed into Shaw’s ear.

“It’s the friction…it’s uh causing that amount of secretion,” Shaw wouldn’t make eye contact with Root. She wasn’t exactly embarrassed how wet she was, but she didn’t want to make a big deal about it.

“I love it when you play Dr. Shaw,” Root whispered as she lowered her lips and bit down on Shaw’s neck.

“It’s just vaginal mucus,” Shaw leaned her neck back to grant Root better access, despite her limited movement.

“You know how to excite a girl.” Root sucked harder on Shaw’s neck.

“Produced by bacteria,” Shaw mumbled this out, completely distracted by what Root’s hands and lips were doing.

Root stilled, her hands and lips. “Does this bacteria have carbs? I missed lunch.” She smiled lasciviously at Shaw.

Shaw rolled her eyes, “Nerd…get back to work.” Shaw ordered to Root.

“You’re the one that described being wet as vaginal mucus and I’m the nerd?” Root smiled at Shaw.

Shaw couldn’t hold down a small gasp as she rolled her eyes back in her head as Root’s fingers added more pressure and started up their heady task again.

“Root…that is not cutting it…give more pressure…” the ‘s’ all came out in a hiss as Shaw’s eyes slammed shut.  Root was definitely teasing her, probably revenge for the Machine.

“Sometimes you just have to be patient…or see another side of an argument,” Root said with a sly grin.

Root continued to be very slow in her ministrations, deliberating only applying light pressure on certain spots the petite primary asset wanted and needed it at the most.

“Root…” Shaw started breathing heavily,

“I love it when you say my name.”

“I’m five seconds away from head butting you…” At this point, Shaw would never admit it, but she might not have been above begging.

“You say the sweetest things,” Root cooed back to Shaw.

Root paused her ministrations. Shaw growled at her. Root then pushed hard against Shaw. She alternated between soft and hard strokes. She really wanted to be inside Shaw, but the restraints were preventing her going any further down Shaw’s pants. After a brief pause she pushed hard against Shaw, which caused a massive gasp and moaning that got louder and louder. The moaning echoed throughout the big department store storage room.

Then Root stopped again.

“Root…I’m going to shoot you,” Shaw gritted her teeth and glared at Root.

“Sameen…count to 30,” Root said very firmly.

“Root bite me…”

“Gladly,” Root replied as she bit into Shaw’s neck. The hacker was satisfied when she heard Shaw fight back a moan, which turned into incoherent mumbling. “Do you want this harder?” Root bit Shaw’s neck deeper which elicited another loud guttural moan, “Or this harder?” Root applied pressure and a circular motion that caused Shaw’s head to fall into Root’s neck.

“Both.” Shaw didn’t even care how ragged or turned on or desperate she sounded at this point. She didn’t care if Gus walked in or the Machine was recording the whole thing or even if an army of Christmas shoppers marched through the store right now. Since they were tied up together so tightly it was hard to tell where one body started and the other body stopped.

Root’s hands stopped completely. “Count to 30, Sameen.”

“Why?” Shaw spat back to Root.

“Sameen, you know the difference between a climax and an orgasm right?”

Shaw gritted her teeth and stared at Root with intense dilated eyes.

“The longer you delay gratification...” Root placed an open mouth kiss on Shaw’s jaw, “…the better orgasm…” she ran her tongue down her throat, “…the stronger the climax.”

Root pulled back her face to stare into Shaw’s lustful eyes.

Shaw breathlessly started counting to 30, “1…2…3…4…5…67891011…” she continued the labored breathing and counting as best as she could while being so frustrated she couldn’t stop herself from wiggling. She was being undone by Root even though she stopped moving her hands in the most infuriating teasing way and was just staring at Root’s lips while she counted, “…121314151617…”

“Slower…or I’ll make you start over,” Root demanded with a fire in her eyes.

“…18…19…20..21.21222324….ROOT…ahhhhh…25…2627…28…29…30.” When Shaw finally got to 30, Root pressed hard into Shaw who in return bit hard on the hacker’s neck. Root pulled back roughly and smothered Shaw’s mouth, sloppily kissing her hard and capturing her tongue hostage.

Root stopped both her hands and Shaw broke off the kiss to glare at her with dark, lustful crazed eyes. Shaw would never admit verbally, but Root was right – she did enjoy the hacker’s brand of torture. 

“Go to 30 again,” Root demanded, she loved seeing the libidinous challenged, bordering murderous glare from her petite primary asset.

“Okay…fine…” Shaw growled through her teeth and stared intensely into Root’s eyes, “…I’ll buy a freakin stupid Christmas present for the Machine.”

A huge smile spread across Root’s face that was almost as bright as a whole street decorated with thousands of Christmas lights twinkling.

“Did you hear that?” Root nodded then leaned in and kissed Shaw gently and deeply. She pulled back breathless after a full minute of kissing Shaw senseless. “She’s very excited.”

“I can’t believe I’m buying a robot a Christmas present.”

“She’s not a robot Sam,” Root moved her lips to Shaw’s neck and lightly brushed her lips up and down, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind that Shaw would later deny.

“Now…just stick your hand further down my pants nerd,” Shaw demanded of Root. She kissed Root’s neck and with that coverage, she then softly mumbled against the warm skin, “I need you inside.”

Root pulled her head back and with big soulful eyes, “Actually, I can’t get my hand any further down your pants.” She struggled against the restraints.

“You two are the worst,” Shaw tilted her back in frustration. “And you smell really gawd awful.”

Root did have enough leverage to start up some small satisfaction for Shaw. “Feels good though, outweighs the smell.”

Shaw unconsciously nodded her head and responded. She later blamed the awful smell had made her dazed and confused. “So good. Yeah…so good…mmmm,” Shaw bit her lip while she let out a little moan. “Mmm…the best.”

Shaw had her eyes closed, as the intensity of the orgasm finally swept through her body. Root had rolled them over so Shaw was on her back. She found herself actually sleepy, being cocooned up with Root was helping lure her asleep as well. She then just realized what had escaped her lips, what she had said out loud to Root. Her eyes went wide open.

Root could sense her eyes water from hearing Shaw say either she was the best or it was the best sex she had ever had. Either way, it felt like some kind of confirmation that maybe Shaw did care for her in some way.

They both stilled and remained frozen, a long awkward silence.

“You mean like a good steak?” Root asked with a tentative, shy smile; half her face hidden by her long hair flowing down onto Shaw’s face. She thought she might try and lighten the mood. “A T-Bone?” Root whispered into Shaw’s open mouth.

“Uhhhh…no,” Shaw thought she might need to back pedal. If she confirmed T-bone that might be the equivalent of saying I love you to Root. “Tri-tip…maybe?”

“What about a Tenderloin darling?”

“Stop, I’m already hungry enough as it is,” Shaw leaned in and kissed Root to shut her up.

Shaw got even with Root; she managed to pull her hands up and down into Root’s pants to torture the hacker with a round of counting to 30 to see how she liked it. And then Cupid the reindeer wandered into the storage room and started chewing on their rope.  While Cupid was cute, the smell and audience squished any more Christmas Eve gift-wrapped sexy times.

Reese and Fusco finally found them an hour before the store opened, thanks to the Machine orchestrating an elaborate escape for Gus. Both male teammates were completely confused seeing the two women wrapped up in Christmas decorations in a storage room in the department store; they almost looked as if they were a part of a demented holiday display with Cupid the reindeer asleep next to them.

The guys cut through all the tinsel, rope and string lights to finally free the women. Reese and Fusco looked to each other and backed away as the two women finished pulling off all the restraints. Fusco lured Cupid off the bed with a bag of chips.

Finally, Root and Shaw disengaged from each other and stood up, leaving behind a very crumpled up bedding display. They separated from each other fully and being pressed up against each other for hours, it was almost like peeling each other off one another. They tore off all the tinsel and crap. As they pulled off the string lights, they both tried to zip up their pants discreetly.

“Why are both of your pants unzipped?” asked a perplexed Fusco. “How did you undo your pants, but not the restraints?”

Fusco looked between the two women who were breathing hard through swollen lips and staring at each other with dark eyes, completely ignoring him.

“And why do y’all smell like when Bear needs a bath?” Fusco waved his hand in front of his nose to dissipate the smell coming off Root and Shaw.

Reese watched his teammates and just smirked.

“We gotta go. The Machine already gave Root a new number that she needs backup for…so…” Shaw continued to pull tinsel out of her hair and throw the silly Christmas decoration down on the ground in distaste. She was almost tempted to stomp on it.

“Is there a number in your pants?” Root whispered to Shaw so no one else could hear.

Shaw glared at Root and started walking away through the department store, passing by an enormous Christmas tree in the center.

Root smirked so hard it almost hurt her face. The Machine had not contacted her about a new number, which could only mean that Shaw had appointed herself as Root’s new number. Root’s face split in a grin and she turned to the boys. At this point she had a huge wattage smile spread across her face.

“Merry Christmas, boys,” Root gave Reese and Fusco a pat on the arm and quick pet on Cupid’s head, before following Shaw out of the store, but not before grabbing one of the Santa hats off a mannequin. “Ho ho ho, Shaw.”

from @hufflepufflovespizza

[amazingworkspaces-blog]

The Single Dorm on the Top Floor Workspace

Here are some of the products that make this workspace an Amazing Workspace:

I am a bit of weirdo, so here's the desktop setup, my OS's launcher, and some more tidbits.

I live in a single room at my school this year, on the top floor of a new, 18-storey building, which I've taken advantage of by setting up my best living space ever.

More crap in my room - I've got lights hanging from my (still unfinished!!!) dorm ceiling, some POPs next to my snack jar (That's Mulder and Scully there), and one of my four instruments in the room, my banjo - I've also got a baritone ukulele, electric chordorgan, and a melodica, as well as a few smaller instruments. also, my glorious view - I love living on the 18th floor! The big TV is showing a custom Windy.com widget so I can track the hurricanes creeping up on me this week, though I'm sure I'll be watching Rick and Morty on it tonight.

The other view from the other side of my bed lets you see my garment bag, which holds nearly all my dress clothes, the door out, and my Irish flag because why not. I have not taken any pictures facing my bed, but rest assured there's drawers under it with all my clothes and whatnot, and a microwave. Because cold pizza only gets you so far. I'm not gonna take any pictures of it - it's super messy. Thanks for stopping by!

Posters - Left-Right, Top-Bottom is a Pacific Rim first-run poster I got at NYCC before the movie even released, VGHS season 3, Fantastics Beasts, a Matt Smith (not the actor!) Star Wars print (signed!), Guardians of the Galaxy litho, Tycho, Ant-Man, Link by VME, a spray paint print by my friend Toby (tobyartstrong.tumblr.com), and Columbia and Rapture posters. (I really need to frame all these posters, there's quite nice. You can ignore my giant messy corkboard, though it does contain my most favourite thing I've ever been handed on the MBTA - and honest-to-god christian flat-earther pamphlet. Beats all the Chick Tracts I've been given!

The launcher in action. It's built on Launchy, but I've also added some better web integration, so it does everything I need it to, just by hitting meta+space. I love launchers like this. S'why I built one when Google killed off the Chrome App Launcher

Computer - I hate fancy cases, so I've just got your run-of-the-mill Bitfenix Nova. Board is an Asus B150 PRO GAMING AURA (with all the goddamn lights disabled) with an i7 6700k, 32Gb of DDR4 RAM, a reference RX 480 8Gb, a 2Tb HDD, and a 64Gb M.2 SSD. "The Heart of Gold" runs Towel 20.1.177 OE, and is compatible with Windows 10, Android, and Unix-like systems.

Technology - Some crappy TV I got off of craigslist for $50, connected to my computer and my GameCube, sitting on top of my MANY STICKERED FRIDGE. (You can also see next to the fridge my contraband hot water boiler - I drink too much tea to leave this thing at home.) The soundbar under the TV was a random brandless Aliexpress purchase - I cannot recommend it enough. It's loud as all hell, really bass-y, and supports everything - USB/line in, bluetooth, even SD cards, and a huge range of file types. Best $20 I've ever spent. My GameCube and my Steam controller are on top of my case - I'll get to the computer later. The other monitor I found on the side of the road - it's a Samsung 1080p high refresh-rate trucolour monitor. I can guess this thing would have cost like $120. Colour is amazing on it. I use a shitty Logitech wired keyboard, and a brandless black wireless mouse - I really would love to get into mechanical keyboards and whatnot, but I'm broke. I am looking to get a smaller keyboard, however, so a tenkeyless board is in my future. Under the monitor is my Nexus 9 - the last of the Nexus tablets! I use it mostly as a third tiny monitor, or for what little drawing I do. Canon printer next to that, also from the side of the road, and a Yeti Snowball on top of that. I don't have a good pop shield, so he's wearing a sock as a hat. The little orange and white thing is a phone stand I made out of a bendy stress-toy, on top of my laptop - it's a Samsung Chromebook 3. I only need it for typing essays and working in class, basically, so it's great for me. Almost all the charging cables for all my stuff are right there there next to it.

All of this, minus the fridge, runs off of a combination UPS/surge splitter that lives under the desk behind the drawers - picked it up last year at a swap meet at my school. It's super heavy, but it can keep the whole lot running for up to a day without power, or just charge the mobile devices for up to 5 days continuously. It's amazing.

[themomsandthecity]

Why I Ditched the Baby Monitor - and So Should You

When my baby was first born, I started out with not one but two baby monitors. The first was a traditional audio monitor, and the other was a fancy video device that synced with our iPhones. As someone who is always "connected" (hi, I'm the mom who texted during labor - nice to meet you), why wouldn't I want the same level of attachment with my newborn baby? The only thing - it took less than a month to viscerally hate them both. Here's why. You know what's a good baby monitor? A baby. Sure, this might not apply to those families in big houses where there can be plenty of square footage between you and the nursery room, but for this apartment-dweller, having a baby monitor was not just useless, it was synonymous with crappy surround sound. I didn't, it turns out, need to use a speaker system to amplify the combination of static with my child's wails on a 1.5-second delay. Not all noises are created equal. Babies are loud. In addition to crying, the most stereotypical of annoying baby sounds, they also do the following: snore, sneeze, cough, wheeze, hiccup, yawn, grumble, gurgle, grunt, sigh, squeak, snort, inhale, and, of course, exhale. (Yes, their very act of breathing in and out is audible.) Being awoken in the middle of the night by every single one of my newbie's 37 sneezes, as adorable as they are, is not ideal. Babies make for insanely addictive (yet incredibly boring) reality TV. You put your baby to sleep and slink out of the room. You breathe a sigh of relief (one that, for the record, is patently quieter than anything that baby's done all day) and plop down on the couch. If the next thing you do is grab your phone to scroll your Facebook feed, scarf potato chips by the handful, or zone out to some terrible Lifetime original movie, you pass. Congrats! If, however, you pull out that damn video monitor and stare at your baby's every move - of which (news flash!) there aren't many - you've truly failed. You spend so much of your time with your baby that you really should not be spending time when you aren't with your baby with your baby. (Go ahead, read that sentence again until it begins to make sense.) No sane person wants to spend their free time "troubleshooting." The modern-day take on Murphy's law? The more expensive the gadget, the more likely it is to break. I can't tell you how many sleep-deprived, passive-aggressive arguments my husband and I got into trying to figure out why our WiFi connectivity was weak, why our login wasn't working, why the camera was frozen. . . . As new parents, the only troubleshooting you should be doing involves dirty diapers. It will always, always turn on you eventually. One week, we had family in town. Not to say they overstayed their welcome, but my husband and I would need to help each other with "that one thing" in the nursery room, which was well-orchestrated code for huddling together on the floor and whisper-complaining about how so-and-so said this and how you-know-who did that. Then, all of a sudden, the faint green light of the baby monitor station, just a few feet away from us, caught my eye. It was transmitting to the receiver, which was smack dab in the middle of our living room. We'd just been made. Who can say if they were listening? It made no difference because, let me tell you, having to walk into your own living room and collectively pretend no one said or heard anything amiss is not how anyone should spend one minute of their already stressful maternity leave. You will even use it for evil. For reasons I am certain were valid at the time, I was convinced my husband wasn't wiping our baby girl correctly. "It's imperative you only go front to back," I'd remind him pre-diaper change. In lieu of having faith in my life partner, I opted to fire up the video monitor and used my distant background in investigative journalism to uncover the cold, hard truth that . . . oh, would you look at the time? I am going to be late for that thing! So, in one of my surest parenting decisions yet, I turned off both monitors for good. (And, you know, started to trust my husband.) There are certainly times, however, when I do consider plugging them back in. One night, I heard my now-toddler coughing. It only lasted for a second, but it sounded slightly different than other coughs she's made. Something wasn't quite right, but I thought better of going in and possibly waking her up for no reason. An hour later, it happened again. I trusted my gut and went into her room. There, on the crib mattress were two small piles of vomit - one a little more dried up than the other. In my grief over being a terrible mother, I hypothesized that if we'd still had the video monitor, I would have been able to act faster - but, as I try to remind myself, the monitor wouldn't have made her not puke all over her sheets. And if we're going to point fingers, it's really the puke we should be pointing at. Another cause for second thoughts? Based on what YouTube has proven time and again to be true, toddlers are hilarious. Thanks to many a viral baby monitor recording, parents have captured their children doing some pretty memorable stuff when they are supposed to be in their beds napping. I'll never be able to watch my kid attempt a headstand while singing show tunes to her stuffed monkey, which - based on noise alone - is my best-educated guess for what's happening in there. Without a monitor mounted on the wall, I'll never know what she's really up to when no one else is looking. But maybe it's better that way. http://bit.ly/2mgYRYZ

[itsfinancethings]

New story in Technology from Time: Everything I Learned In My Quest For a Better Work-From-Home Chair

It’s week who-knows-when of the COVID-19 outbreak here in the U.S., and one thing has become painfully apparent as I continue to work from home: My back hurts. A lot. And if you’re also lucky enough to be able to work remotely, chances are, yours does too. An online search for “lockdown back pain” turns up a slew of complaints from people looking for relief, stretching tips, and what many view as a silver bullet solution: a comfy new chair to help cure what ails them. But will a new throne really help your back, or is your spine simply asking you to give it a break? To find out, I took stock of my own seating arrangement, considered the alternatives, and learned how terrible my choice was for my aching body.

My chair, which uses bungee cables as the back support and which I purchased at a steep discount from a Target in Florida, has served me well for close to a decade. But after talking to experts, I learned those bungee cords were in fact not great for my body. Flat and thin, they were not doing the circulation in my legs any favors, serving as pressure points when my weight should’ve been spread more evenly. And then there was the Great Bungee Attack of 2020, wherein one of the straps snapped and bruised my bum during a conference call. Was it one of the plastic attachment points finally giving up the ghost? Was it me putting on a few pandemic pounds? Or was it destiny trying to encourage me to take better care of myself? Either way, I knew it was time to make a change, and time for a chair that cared about my posture.

My first thought? Time to get a cool chair. A chair fit for someone who makes headlines as much as he makes headshots. Time to get a gamer chair.

Gaming chairs are high-backed bucket-style seats popular on platforms like Twitch, where streamers sit for hours on end, supported by chairs complete with company logos or homages to beloved characters. While many gamers swear by them, others are turning on them—like Twitch streamer and prison reform activist Tajah Zinda, also known as Zombaekillz, has owned two gamer chairs during her streaming career, but has come to believe they’re built to look cool online, not keep people comfortable.

“I would, 10 out of 10 times, tell people not to purchase a chair based on gaming, but to purchase something that’s going to be okay for their back over time,” says Zinda. “It’s like getting a jacket that looks really cool, but doesn’t block the wind, and doesn’t keep you well insulated. But man, it looks great.”

Indeed, many gaming chairs aren’t actually all that comfortable. Their straight back does little to conform to your spine, while the bucket seat restricts your freedom of movement and forces you to lean forward to interact with your computer, putting pressure on your spinal column, potentially contributing to issues like herniated discs and muscle fatigue. They’re designed like racing chairs, a recipe for disaster considering how little racing you’re probably doing at your desk.

“I have chronic pain, and sitting in a crappy chair is going to exacerbate that,” says Zinda. “The last thing you want to do is be in a chair that’s not helping with the circulation of your body, not supporting your spine, and causing you to slouch.”

Gaming chairs have long been the domain of niche companies, with a few high-end models but many budget, not-so-comfortable options. But now, bigger firms are getting in on the market, including Logitech, maker of accessories ranging from inexpensive notebook mice to high-end keyboards and controllers for professional esports players. It’s teaming up with Herman Miller, maker of the iconic Aeron chair, for a co-branded gamer chair. Called the Embody Gaming Chair, it has adjustable sacral and lumbar support for your lower back and ditches the bucket-style seating for adjustable seat depth. But at a whopping $1,450, it costs as much as a nice gaming PC, and is probably outside the price range of many would-be buyers. At least it looks cool, though.

If gaming chairs aren’t the solution, what about a fancy office chair? You know, the ones in high-rise buildings and corner offices with floor-to-ceiling glass windows?

To find out, I sat in Humanscale’s Freedom Headrest, a task chair that supposedly blows your Office Depot executive chair out of the water—but, at $1,200, isn’t exactly cheap, either. The Freedom eschews the spring-loaded mechanism in other office chairs that require sitters to apply constant force to remain reclined. Instead it relies on your body weight, gravity, and a little physics to make for easy reclining.

“Springs, by definition, will not have constant force…it will increase in tension as you engage the mechanism more and more,” says Humanscale Design Director Sergio Silva. “So in order for you to recline to a position that you might want to be in, you will need to essentially either put force into it if you’re a light body type in order to hold yourself in that position. On the other hand, if you happen to be heavier, you will potentially end up with a chair that will not support you at all.” I’m a runner and a lightweight, but the Freedom’s gravity-friendly feature worked well enough for me, and definitely required less force to kick back than the chair in my office that I haven’t seen in months.

But do people really need to spend a grand or more on a chair just to rid themselves of this meddlesome back pain? Perhaps not.

“People still have severe back pain and severe health issues even when they’re in a thousand-dollar chair,” says Dr. Shaquita White, a chiropractor Mississippi who treats everyone from infants to streamers (including Zombaekillz). White says lower back pain is often caused by a lack of movement, exacerbated by poor posture and weak core muscles. He encourages people to take breaks to move and exercise rather than stay in their chair for hours on end. “It feels good when you’re sitting in it, but you get up and say ‘Oh, I pulled a muscle,'” White says. “That’s because you’ve been in that static position your body was not meant to be in for such a long period of time.” The solution? Proper alignment from head to toe, and 15 minute stretch breaks for every hour you’re sitting.

If you want to upgrade your existing chair, be it a straight-backed kitchen chair or your oversized executive office chair from some nondescript office supply store, you’ve got options. “One really inexpensive solution is to…roll [a] towel up, put some rubber bands on it, and figure out a way to affix it to the backrest of the chair,” says Jonathan Puleio, an ergonomist at Humanscale. “It actually fills in the curvature of your lower back for your lumbar spine.”

White recommends a chair accessory called a “wobble cushion,” which looks like the top third of a yoga ball, filled with air and designed to fit on the seat of your chair, under your bum, to promote increased blood flow thanks to increased movement. “We are meant to be mobile in nature, that’s how we heal,” says White. “That’s how we get nutrients to our brain, to our joints. So if you’re sitting, especially in the chair for long periods of time, then you’re not getting those joints to move, and you’re not getting that cerebrospinal fluid flow to your brain.”

After sitting in the Freedom for a week, I definitely noticed an improvement in my posture, especially when I made an effort to sit up straight, pull my body closer to my desk, and stick a dictionary underneath my monitor to lift it to eye level. Did the Freedom feel as though it was worth the hefty price tag? The verdict is still out, but I can say sitting in one made me reconsider what a chair is, and what it could be, besides a literal pain in the ass.

from Blogger https://ift.tt/39DQcoG via IFTTT

[cutsliceddiced]

New top story from Time: Everything I Learned In My Quest For a Better Work-From-Home Chair

It’s week who-knows-when of the COVID-19 outbreak here in the U.S., and one thing has become painfully apparent as I continue to work from home: My back hurts. A lot. And if you’re also lucky enough to be able to work remotely, chances are, yours does too. An online search for “lockdown back pain” turns up a slew of complaints from people looking for relief, stretching tips, and what many view as a silver bullet solution: a comfy new chair to help cure what ails them. But will a new throne really help your back, or is your spine simply asking you to give it a break? To find out, I took stock of my own seating arrangement, considered the alternatives, and learned how terrible my choice was for my aching body.

My chair, which uses bungee cables as the back support and which I purchased at a steep discount from a Target in Florida, has served me well for close to a decade. But after talking to experts, I learned those bungee cords were in fact not great for my body. Flat and thin, they were not doing the circulation in my legs any favors, serving as pressure points when my weight should’ve been spread more evenly. And then there was the Great Bungee Attack of 2020, wherein one of the straps snapped and bruised my bum during a conference call. Was it one of the plastic attachment points finally giving up the ghost? Was it me putting on a few pandemic pounds? Or was it destiny trying to encourage me to take better care of myself? Either way, I knew it was time to make a change, and time for a chair that cared about my posture.

My first thought? Time to get a cool chair. A chair fit for someone who makes headlines as much as he makes headshots. Time to get a gamer chair.

Gaming chairs are high-backed bucket-style seats popular on platforms like Twitch, where streamers sit for hours on end, supported by chairs complete with company logos or homages to beloved characters. While many gamers swear by them, others are turning on them—like Twitch streamer and prison reform activist Tajah Zinda, also known as Zombaekillz, has owned two gamer chairs during her streaming career, but has come to believe they’re built to look cool online, not keep people comfortable.

“I would, 10 out of 10 times, tell people not to purchase a chair based on gaming, but to purchase something that’s going to be okay for their back over time,” says Zinda. “It’s like getting a jacket that looks really cool, but doesn’t block the wind, and doesn’t keep you well insulated. But man, it looks great.”

Indeed, many gaming chairs aren’t actually all that comfortable. Their straight back does little to conform to your spine, while the bucket seat restricts your freedom of movement and forces you to lean forward to interact with your computer, putting pressure on your spinal column, potentially contributing to issues like herniated discs and muscle fatigue. They’re designed like racing chairs, a recipe for disaster considering how little racing you’re probably doing at your desk.

“I have chronic pain, and sitting in a crappy chair is going to exacerbate that,” says Zinda. “The last thing you want to do is be in a chair that’s not helping with the circulation of your body, not supporting your spine, and causing you to slouch.”

Gaming chairs have long been the domain of niche companies, with a few high-end models but many budget, not-so-comfortable options. But now, bigger firms are getting in on the market, including Logitech, maker of accessories ranging from inexpensive notebook mice to high-end keyboards and controllers for professional esports players. It’s teaming up with Herman Miller, maker of the iconic Aeron chair, for a co-branded gamer chair. Called the Embody Gaming Chair, it has adjustable sacral and lumbar support for your lower back and ditches the bucket-style seating for adjustable seat depth. But at a whopping $1,450, it costs as much as a nice gaming PC, and is probably outside the price range of many would-be buyers. At least it looks cool, though.

If gaming chairs aren’t the solution, what about a fancy office chair? You know, the ones in high-rise buildings and corner offices with floor-to-ceiling glass windows?

To find out, I sat in Humanscale’s Freedom Headrest, a task chair that supposedly blows your Office Depot executive chair out of the water—but, at $1,200, isn’t exactly cheap, either. The Freedom eschews the spring-loaded mechanism in other office chairs that require sitters to apply constant force to remain reclined. Instead it relies on your body weight, gravity, and a little physics to make for easy reclining.

“Springs, by definition, will not have constant force…it will increase in tension as you engage the mechanism more and more,” says Humanscale Design Director Sergio Silva. “So in order for you to recline to a position that you might want to be in, you will need to essentially either put force into it if you’re a light body type in order to hold yourself in that position. On the other hand, if you happen to be heavier, you will potentially end up with a chair that will not support you at all.” I’m a runner and a lightweight, but the Freedom’s gravity-friendly feature worked well enough for me, and definitely required less force to kick back than the chair in my office that I haven’t seen in months.

But do people really need to spend a grand or more on a chair just to rid themselves of this meddlesome back pain? Perhaps not.

“People still have severe back pain and severe health issues even when they’re in a thousand-dollar chair,” says Dr. Shaquita White, a chiropractor Mississippi who treats everyone from infants to streamers (including Zombaekillz). White says lower back pain is often caused by a lack of movement, exacerbated by poor posture and weak core muscles. He encourages people to take breaks to move and exercise rather than stay in their chair for hours on end. “It feels good when you’re sitting in it, but you get up and say ‘Oh, I pulled a muscle,'” White says. “That’s because you’ve been in that static position your body was not meant to be in for such a long period of time.” The solution? Proper alignment from head to toe, and 15 minute stretch breaks for every hour you’re sitting.

If you want to upgrade your existing chair, be it a straight-backed kitchen chair or your oversized executive office chair from some nondescript office supply store, you’ve got options. “One really inexpensive solution is to…roll [a] towel up, put some rubber bands on it, and figure out a way to affix it to the backrest of the chair,” says Jonathan Puleio, an ergonomist at Humanscale. “It actually fills in the curvature of your lower back for your lumbar spine.”

White recommends a chair accessory called a “wobble cushion,” which looks like the top third of a yoga ball, filled with air and designed to fit on the seat of your chair, under your bum, to promote increased blood flow thanks to increased movement. “We are meant to be mobile in nature, that’s how we heal,” says White. “That’s how we get nutrients to our brain, to our joints. So if you’re sitting, especially in the chair for long periods of time, then you’re not getting those joints to move, and you’re not getting that cerebrospinal fluid flow to your brain.”

After sitting in the Freedom for a week, I definitely noticed an improvement in my posture, especially when I made an effort to sit up straight, pull my body closer to my desk, and stick a dictionary underneath my monitor to lift it to eye level. Did the Freedom feel as though it was worth the hefty price tag? The verdict is still out, but I can say sitting in one made me reconsider what a chair is, and what it could be, besides a literal pain in the ass.

via https://cutslicedanddiced.wordpress.com/2018/01/24/how-to-prevent-food-from-going-to-waste

[thebibliomancer]

50 More Days of Comics! 18/50: Batman and the Outsiders #14 (1984)

So! Batman and the Outsiders!

So basically what happened it that once the Justice League told Batman that they weren’t going to get involved in a foreign military coup so Batman got mad, quit, and formed his own team without blackjack because there’s no time for fun when there’s work to be done. Playing cards are for solving crimes.

On the Outsiders we have Brion Markov/Geo-Force Terra’s brother and user of abstract Earth powers, Jefferson Pierce/Black Lightning a man destined to be changed in adaptation so no royalties have to be paid, Metamorpho a shapeshifter, Tatsu/Katana who owns a katana, and Gabrielle/Halo who has a power for every color of the rainbow and also amnesia.

And this issue is 1984 Olympic themed. Seriously, check the cover.

The issue starts off with Halo on a date which gets interrupted when Geo-Force throws a garbage can. After she chases him down and dumps him in front of Katana, he defends himself that he was just chaperoning her because young American men are all horndogs. When Halo says that maybe she wanted to be taken advantage of, Geo-Force actually gasps in shock horror. Katana tells him not to mess with Halo’s dating life again.

Halo is kind of hilarious by the way. The idea is that she’s supposed to be portrayed as basically a womanchild because of her amnesia but during this scene she’s so hilariously over-dramatic.

Halo: “I caught this nerd, spying on me! He ruined everything! Phil’ll never talk to me again, I’ll die an old maid, I’ll—”

Halo again later: “Boy, what a bummer! Maybe I’ll just join a convent, and end the suspense!”

Meanwhile in Arkham Asylum, a dangerous Batman rogue who will become the villain of this story and in fact, apparently the archnemesis of the Outsiders over this series.

Maxie Zeus.

He’s a guy. Who think he’s Zeus. Just because his name is Zeus.

This story tries to paint him as a threat and sure, that’s fine. But I just want to note that when Bane busted open Arkham during Knightfall (the story wherein Bane broke Batman’s back), Maxie Zeus was the only escaped rogue who the police captured with no help from Batman. Because he ran into a tree and knocked himself unconscious. And now he has to live with that. Being the person that happened to.

Anyway, Zeus is writing a letter to his daughter Medea, or his daughter who he thinks is Medea, or an unrelated girl named Medea who he thinks is his daughter for her birthday, hoping she got the lyre and pipes she sent and commiserating with her wish that she had a mother.

And then he spots a newspaper and sees something that changes everything like an omen!

Every 100% wool suit now only $125-$200! Wow!

Wait, that’s the side towards the camera.

Well whatever he saw it gives him the motivation to escape Arkham by the ingenious escape plan of hitting the janitor with a trashcan and then switching clothes with him.

Thaaaaaaaat’s Arkham for you!

In fairness, or not very fairness but in some fairness, despite Batman telling the asylum eleven times to put Maxie Zeus in maximum security they just didn’t listen to him! For obvious reasons.

Batman: “Just because he doesn’t look as dangerous as the Joker or Two-Face doesn’t mean he isn’t!”

Sure, Batman. Sure.

But Maxie left behind a clue to his schemes. A newspaper with an article about Olympic athlete Lacinia Nitocris. And Batnerd just so happens to know that Lacinia is another name for Juno, aka the wife of Jupiter aka Zeus.

So Maxie broke out of minimum security Arkham by hitting a janitor so he could force an Olympic athlete to marry him so his maybe daughter can have a mother.

He’s delusional but this is why he’s in minimum security. He breaks out and he doesn’t poison all the fish or whatever. He’s not really comic book crazy.

Now here’s a thing that’s just kinda weird. This issue is one of the earliest appearances of the Monitor of Crisis on Infinite Earths fame. Except instead of protecting the multiverse from his evil twin, he’s apparently a broker that rents superpowered mooks to supervillains.

Maxie calls on him for some ‘operatives.’

I’m sure this gets explained away but just always know from now on that one of the Monitor’s first appearances was as a headhunter who worked with Maxie Zeus.

Also happening: Halo tries to hook Katana up with her geometry teacher (because they’re both Asian?). And gets some turnabout is fair play on Brion.

He invited a classmate of his, Alisa, to a ‘study session.’ Scare quotes is because they start making out.

But Halo comes out of Brion’s bedroom in one of Brion’s shirts with sex hair going hey send the cleaning woman home so we can get back to it.

Alisa takes off in a huff and Brion chases after Halo in a snit. She insists that hey this is the same thing he did to her but he insists that it was totally different.

When he catches her, he grabs her and demands that she call Alisa to clear things up as she protests that he’s hurting her.

And then they start making out.

God, the hormones in this series are through the roof. Batman must be so vexed by these young adults.

Also they’re both two-timing their respective love interests. Not a great look, you two.

We finally get to the Olympics in the last seven pages of the book. Jefferson Pierce (as a previous gold medal winner) and Brion Markov (as a fancy foreign prince) are both very special guests, Batman has a private booth reserved under Bruce Wayne but Metamorpho has to be undercover as an ice cream seller and Katana and Halo are in really crappy seats.

You couldn’t even put them up in your fancy booth, Batman?

Also President Reagan is in attendance so security is supposedly tight although not tight enough to prevent Maxie from stealing an MBC News copter to infiltrate the Olympics.

When Batman realizes it, just slightly too late for it to mean anything, he orders the Outsiders to converge on the field.

Meanwhile, Zeus leaves the copter and introduces his new Monitor-provided friends. Well, not by name or power or anything. But he does walk in a cool group formation while speechifying.

Zeus: “Please, do not fear us! Rather you should welcome us… for we are he who has given his name to these games! I am Jupiter Olympus – perhaps better known as Zeus… and our companions are the New Olympians!”

The New Olympians take the President hostage, maybe?, and have Lacinia Nitocris brought out to Maxie.

But then Batman shows up and counters Zeus’s group shot and speechifying with his own.

Batman: “You act like you own the place, Zeus, but this is supposed to be a contest. Don’t even gods have to obey their own rules?”

Zeus: “Our patience wanes, mortal. Speak quickly.”

Batman: “This, then: let the President and the spectators leave unmolested. Then my Outsiders will fight your New Olympians, winner take all!”

Zeus: “Agreed.”

Because if you absolutely must do an Olympic special in your superhero book, definitely get the Greek-mythology themed guy as the villain and definitely have the villain team and the superhero team competing for medals.

I mean, I’m assuming that they’re going to do challenges and not just fight each other. A straight superhero fight would be dullsville. I want to see Batman jump some hurdles, dammit!

So, okay. This is a goofy premise. Especially considering that Batman and the Outsiders was supposed to be a book about Batman putting together his own team to deal with issues the Justice League refuses to touch. Fourteen issues in (hell, probably earlier) they’ve apparently abandoned that premise to be a goofy soap-opera drama and hormones normal team having wacky mishaps and I’m thrilled.

This was a fun issue.

Apparently later reboots of the Outsiders concept try to get back to the gritty seriousness. One iteration is a secret black-ops team for Batman and another is heroes pretending to be borderline villains for some reason, like a reverse Thunderbolts. And then there was the team of Outsiders that was born out of the Graduation Day crossover in which so many children died.

Just let comic books be about a goofus taking over the Olympics to try to marry an athlete because her name is an obscure mythological reference. Geez.

[shayochism-moved]

// Also, in case anybody is too nervous to interact with me... Please read, even if you’re not a scared bean. Please, just read this if you follow me or want to. This explains my mindset, who I have been and who will be. 

I am literally the most nervous bean around when it comes to interaction. Seriously. I hardly interact with anybody in fear of being a fuck up or just plain annoying them. I sometimes - rarely - slip a comment to them here or there on a post, but GAD DAMN I am SCARED TO DEATH.

Why you ask? Let me tell you a story.

I have been role playing since I was little. You know, the whole ‘play’ in the playground thing acting as beloved characters etc. I loved it. When I was eleven I would still do that with the new friends I made in high school and we made our own characters through fandoms we knew (Pokemon, Digimon, Shinzo and DBZ mainly lmao). It was stupid (but fun. Ok, not stupid because we loved it and had fun, which is all that counts) because we were young and made dumb as spit characters that were multi-fandom crossing and were super powerful etc etc. Sure, we were eleven, twelve, but we still played it out in person, which is actually LARP these days...But it was really ‘too old to do that’ but we did it anyway. Life is for fun, after all.

 We would write crappy fanfiction and do ‘scripts’ where we would make out stories as a script based fanfic sort of thing on our characters, so it didn’t involve actual writing but was instead just speech, which we then later started doing on MSN. Yea, it was before computers and internet being widely spread so we did it when we met up and just.. wrote and wrote on paper, making up scripts of nonsense with our characters. Fanfiction was rare cause it was paper and.. too much effort to write down everything, but we did that sometimes. 

I had so much fun.

ANYWAY. Internet became more common and we role played (badly, just script based) over MSN. This was literally until like 2007 where we moved to Gaia Online and started role playing on there. That was when I started to be more serious about my characters and developed them better, and made my first persona and role played as her in the Gaia setting. It was fun, but still really, really bad role play - The guy who lead the G CORP RP didn’t know the basics of role play and did force emotes and god emoting. 

It was fun at the time, sure, but looking back.. damn. I mean I still enjoy the idea of NOT knowing what he was up to during the role play as we never discussed it outside of the RP, so he literally lead me through RP without a story and we just reacted as you would - he had a story plan, I didn’t. THAT WAS FUN. It wasn’t scripted at all and he ended up tricking my character into selling her soul to his character so he had one (as he lost his own prior to this) and she became the new ruler of Dark energy n stuff without a soul (an energy he made up). So as these days you propose ideas, plot, and agree to things, we didn’t have ANY of that. We just went along with what we did. We literally did our own actions and the other side would respond and it developed through the story that way. It is considered bad role play these days but I loved it. No plotting, no limits (except killing), nothing. Just free role play.

Anyway, this continued until 2009 where the guy turned out to be a real dick IRL as we all found out and the role play died obviously. Coincidentally I discovered World of Warcraft. I played for just under a year (until like November) with my partner at the time and, once he quit, I wanted to change server as I hated PVP... and was on a PVP server, while also wondering if anybody role played. And I discovered Argent Dawn (EU), a role play server.

So I made a character and jumped right in. I fucking loved it. I had no sense of lore (the game setting’s history). I had no sense of character development. No sense of making a history for a character. I just jumped right in and played on what I knew, which was near nothing, and I loved it. I role played a morally corrupt elf in the middle of the biggest city and openly killed people etc (it was that bad) but it was fun...

...Until the ‘elitist’ role players noticed my ‘bad role play’ and started sending me actual abuse. Started with “You’re bad, leave the game you idiot’ to getting invited to chat channels to have abuse hurled at me while being ridiculed, and these days? I get stalked in-game and all over the internet, even though I do no bad role play. Took time but I adapted and developed my character to be flawless. But still... They actively search up my usernames to try and find me over the internet to get ‘dirt’ on me to make me look bad, plastering anything they consider ‘bad’ onto the forums to try and make others dislike me (I can’t comment on anything without abuse). Because I am an adult (twenty-eight) and enjoy adult themes once a while, they will literally delve into 18+ sites to get images of my characters, to plaster them over the forums (where minors might see). They act as hypocritical prudes who dislike adult themes whereas no doubt they watch porn once a while, however... because the game is 12+, they think I do erotic role play, which is wrong in a 12+ game - I don’t btw - so will use these 18+ images to try and have people hate me, using convincing stories while spreading rumors etc. So even though I became a good role player with a flawless character history.. they still hated me.

I actually turned bitter at one point and became an elitist myself... until I realised how I had previously felt. It wasn’t nice to be ridiculed and laughed at, to be ignored and shooed away, so I stopped being elitist and started to... just.. just actually enjoy myself. Having been on the receiving end of the hatred and humility of being NEW TO ROLE PLAY RULES and being new to LORE, having been ridiculed... when I realised people were in the same boat... I stopped. I stopped commenting on ‘bad role play’ and instead focused on helping people. I became open to everybody and accepted all role play (Within reason - no godemoting etc). These days I role play with anybody and enjoy that.

Yes, I despise elitism at best.

Well, I don’t hate it, I just... I rather people play to have FUN... NOT role playing for standards, not playing to look good, none of that “I must make an icon to look good!” or “I must use fancy text!” or “I must do paragraphs!” as I noticed on tumblr when I joined four or so years ago (i don’t mind these things... however, I just hate that it’s become a standard to look good)... None of that. Where is the fun when you have to be forced to do certain things to be accepted?

I just want people to have FUN. Fun is why we’re here. Fun is why we make these blogs. Sure, have standards, help people out if their lore is off or their character has role play flaws but... don’t be a jerk. Accept newbies. Accept all histories. Accept PEOPLE. We’re all people, most with damn anxiety of interacting with others. Why? BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE STUPID STANDARDS. No, some standards are good, it’s when you start dictating things that it gets bad, saying you won’t role play with people who are -this- or -that- or have an undeveloped character or a ‘bad’ character. Hey, they might be looking to develop their character but don’t have the chance because they’re new or unknowing to most lore, meaning some people won’t accept them. 

Help people. Give advice. Don’t just write “I ignore badrp”. Actually get out there and make this place better.

It is nice to see a well laid out thread but... do you ever think what appearance it sets to some? Some of us, like me, get super scared of not being good enough. I’m not saying a good layout is bad (I LOVE good layouts) but... maybe have a notice somewhere that you don’t mind certain things, that you are friendly etc? I feel so disheartened to find a great character, a great blog, only to have STRICT RULES and no hint to the person behind the monitor.... It’s off putting and rather scary, so i don’t even bother following said person because they seem like an elitist robot. 

I see private blogs and instantly get put off of ever trying to interact because... I feel I’m not GOOD ENOUGH. That my icons aren’t good enough, that my writing isn’t good enough, that my character isn’t good enough. I understand wanting to only role play with mutuals (I really do)... but... some people go too far. They become wrapped up in elitism and start to LOOK DOWN upon others who aren’t ‘good enough. I don’t bother with these private blogs because I feel I will never be good enough, so I just don’t chance it.

We are all here to have fun. DO NOT LET YOURSELF BECOME AN ELITIST. Just have fun HOW YOU WANT. Do what you bloody well want and whoever accepts that will have fun with you. Don’t worry about judgement of the ‘better’ people. Just. Have. Fun. Have a million Pokemon. Have a tragic history. Do what you want. Just. Have. Fun. And the fun people will come to you.

After being subjected to such hate on Warcraft, I was fucking PETRIFIED of Tumblr. At first my blog was just a personal one, but I realised tumblr had an RP scene and got interested, made Shay... then once I realised people were elitist in this fandom too, I got scared. I was sad too that elitism had crept here also. Again, I don’t mind people who feel the need to have perfectly made threads and who have standards.. I just hate knowing that some people are really elitist and only RP with ‘the best’. This isn’t a competition. This is a hobby for fun.

I used to role play for fun but I was burned and ridiculed and it took a lot of personal effort and struggle to change my mindset from becoming like the people of hatred to the more open person I am now. I did become like them and I am ashamed I did. 

So if you’re ever nervous and scared of talking to me or interacting... Just take that step forwards and know who I am; an open, non-elitist, accepting RPer who will role play with anybody and everybody because I believe role play is for fun.

I’m here to have fun. I know you are. 

[elenaturnerge1]

Five annoying contact page mistakes

If your business website’s goal is to get in touch with (potential) customers, you should avoid a number of contact page mistakes. Here, we’ll mention the mistakes we find most annoying. And we’re not unique in that.

In my previous post about contact pages, I already mentioned that the right content on this page can improve both user experience and SEO. In the comments on that post, Simon asked: “What do you think are the 5 most common mistakes on a website contact page?” What I think are the most common mistakes makes it my personal list, so I decided to dedicate this post to what I find the most annoying :)

Let’s dive straight in with number one. 

For good SEO, you need a good user experience. Learn about UX & Conversion! »

$ 19€ 19 - Buy now » Info #1 Just a form

If your contact page consists of a form and nothing but a form, you are not serving all of your visitors. Naturally, there will always be people that don’t understand the form. Provide a fallback option, like an email address or a phone number. Here are some reasons why people might dislike / do not understand your form:

Your form is too long. People get lost or simply don’t take the time to fill out all the things you want to know. Keep forms short and clear.

Your form isn’t responsive. This ruins the mobile experience on your contact page. Labels might get lost, as a mobile browser will focus on the form fields.

Your form can get broken. Perhaps you missed an update of your favorite contact plugin, just to name one reason.

#2 Fancy names for your contact page

Don’t you just hate it when you have to do an internal search on a website just to find their contact page? In my opinion, there are two options:

Add the menu item “Contact” to your main and/or footer menu.

Add your contact page at example.com/contact/.

I won’t look in any other spots. It’s straight to your search or back to Google to find the next company that’s going to answer my question. Preferably, you want that link to your contact page to be above the fold. But I have to say that a footer link is common as well, both as an extra and as the main link.

Just like the link in the URL, I’d like the title of that page to be “Contact” or a variation of that, like “Contact us” or “Get in touch”. Don’t use “Let’s talk business” or whatever strange sentence that won’t cover the immediate goal of the page. It will confuse people, even in Google already. Make it clear that this is the page where they can get in contact with you.

#3 Outdated information

C’mon people. Like all your other pages, your contact page needs some tender love and care from time to time. Moving offices? Adjust your website. New sales rep? Change profile picture and email address. Make sure your information is accurate at all times.

Don’t take this lightly, I think outdated information is one of those contact page mistakes that we choose to ignore sometimes. “I’ll get to that one of these days”. “It’s on my to do list”. No, update it when it changes. And if your address changes, let Google know in the process.

#4 Make sure people can contact you privately

That means “Reach out to me on the WordPress Slack”, “Talk to me on Twitter”, or even “Drop a comment below” isn’t enough. And yes, contact pages that use a comment form as a contact form do exist. People that want to talk to you probably just want to talk to you. Make sure they can.

Is it wise to display links to social profiles on a contact page? I believe that only makes sense if you want people to contact you on, for instance, Twitter and you monitor these social profiles for questions. If you mention Instagram on your contact page and don’t check Instagram at least every other day, it’s probably not the preferred way to contact you. In that case, that link shouldn’t be on your contact page.

Best case scenario: two options to contact you privately (form and email address or phone number would be a nice start), so if one fails, visitors can use the other.

#5 Not having a contact page at all

If only I got a penny for every website I came across that lacks a (clear) contact page… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: every website should have a contact page. Most websites are set up to interact with the visitor, get them to buy products or provide information. But they can always have extra questions or interesting business opportunities for you. Make sure it’s clear how they can get in touch.

It’s probably the most obvious of all the contact page mistakes listed here, but I just felt the need to mention it.

Are there any more contact page mistakes you can think of?

For sure. And if you’d ask me the same question on another day, I could probably come up with more. The above ones are the ones I find most annoying, but what about:

No clear confirmation that a form is sent. So I’ll send it again. Just in case.

Crappy captchas. The horror! Need I say more?

Contact pages that are flooded with distractions. I just want to contact you!

Now over to you

Feel free to spill your guts in the comments. Let me know what annoys you the most about contact pages!

Read more: ‘What makes a great contact page? With lots of examples!’ »

http://ift.tt/2riRP7m

[mariaajameso]

Five annoying contact page mistakes

If your business website’s goal is to get in touch with (potential) customers, you should avoid a number of contact page mistakes. Here, we’ll mention the mistakes we find most annoying. And we’re not unique in that.

In my previous post about contact pages, I already mentioned that the right content on this page can improve both user experience and SEO. In the comments on that post, Simon asked: “What do you think are the 5 most common mistakes on a website contact page?” What I think are the most common mistakes makes it my personal list, so I decided to dedicate this post to what I find the most annoying :)

Let’s dive straight in with number one. 

For good SEO, you need a good user experience. Learn about UX & Conversion! »

$ 19€ 19 - Buy now » Info #1 Just a form

If your contact page consists of a form and nothing but a form, you are not serving all of your visitors. Naturally, there will always be people that don’t understand the form. Provide a fallback option, like an email address or a phone number. Here are some reasons why people might dislike / do not understand your form:

Your form is too long. People get lost or simply don’t take the time to fill out all the things you want to know. Keep forms short and clear.

Your form isn’t responsive. This ruins the mobile experience on your contact page. Labels might get lost, as a mobile browser will focus on the form fields.

Your form can get broken. Perhaps you missed an update of your favorite contact plugin, just to name one reason.

#2 Fancy names for your contact page

Don’t you just hate it when you have to do an internal search on a website just to find their contact page? In my opinion, there are two options:

Add the menu item “Contact” to your main and/or footer menu.

Add your contact page at example.com/contact/.

I won’t look in any other spots. It’s straight to your search or back to Google to find the next company that’s going to answer my question. Preferably, you want that link to your contact page to be above the fold. But I have to say that a footer link is common as well, both as an extra and as the main link.

Just like the link in the URL, I’d like the title of that page to be “Contact” or a variation of that, like “Contact us” or “Get in touch”. Don’t use “Let’s talk business” or whatever strange sentence that won’t cover the immediate goal of the page. It will confuse people, even in Google already. Make it clear that this is the page where they can get in contact with you.

#3 Outdated information

C’mon people. Like all your other pages, your contact page needs some tender love and care from time to time. Moving offices? Adjust your website. New sales rep? Change profile picture and email address. Make sure your information is accurate at all times.

Don’t take this lightly, I think outdated information is one of those contact page mistakes that we choose to ignore sometimes. “I’ll get to that one of these days”. “It’s on my to do list”. No, update it when it changes. And if your address changes, let Google know in the process.

#4 Make sure people can contact you privately

That means “Reach out to me on the WordPress Slack”, “Talk to me on Twitter”, or even “Drop a comment below” isn’t enough. And yes, contact pages that use a comment form as a contact form do exist. People that want to talk to you probably just want to talk to you. Make sure they can.

Is it wise to display links to social profiles on a contact page? I believe that only makes sense if you want people to contact you on, for instance, Twitter and you monitor these social profiles for questions. If you mention Instagram on your contact page and don’t check Instagram at least every other day, it’s probably not the preferred way to contact you. In that case, that link shouldn’t be on your contact page.

Best case scenario: two options to contact you privately (form and email address or phone number would be a nice start), so if one fails, visitors can use the other.

#5 Not having a contact page at all

If only I got a penny for every website I came across that lacks a (clear) contact page… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: every website should have a contact page. Most websites are set up to interact with the visitor, get them to buy products or provide information. But they can always have extra questions or interesting business opportunities for you. Make sure it’s clear how they can get in touch.

It’s probably the most obvious of all the contact page mistakes listed here, but I just felt the need to mention it.

Are there any more contact page mistakes you can think of?

For sure. And if you’d ask me the same question on another day, I could probably come up with more. The above ones are the ones I find most annoying, but what about:

No clear confirmation that a form is sent. So I’ll send it again. Just in case.

Crappy captchas. The horror! Need I say more?

Contact pages that are flooded with distractions. I just want to contact you!

Now over to you

Feel free to spill your guts in the comments. Let me know what annoys you the most about contact pages!

Read more: ‘What makes a great contact page? With lots of examples!’ »

http://ift.tt/2riRP7m