#i have infinite respect for myself now though. i know who i am. and i'm done

[septembersghost]

my queue was supposed to run out tonight (11/19) - i'm nothing if not someone who clings to dates and anniversaries, and exactly a month ago, i realized i had enough posts stowed in it to last until today. of all the days. kismet. you know when it's time to go. but i ended up adding some posts from my (still copious) drafts, and no matter how i finagled it, it was impossible to make them all fit by the time today ended. so it gets a little bit of extra time. maybe, in honor of this blog's existence, that's fitting.

you all know this, i've said it, typically in gratitude, many times already. this blog was never meant to last. i came back in november 2020 expecting a couple of months, maybe to be here until the new year. i told very few people, anticipating the goodbye, not wanting to cause anyone undue anguish when i had to vanish again. something i didn't expect was the sheer (admittedly devasting) emotion that would tie itself to those two weeks when i started interacting again, nor that it would have any outreach or impact, but somehow it did. then time kept spinning on, extending itself, gossamer threads unfurling each day. my following kept growing, far beyond what i could have anticipated, greater than i'd ever established on any of my previous blogs. moving around is unfortunately a pattern at this point, every time for reasons that felt quietly catastrophic. not being able to pay bills for a while. angel's death and the ensuing difficult circumstances. so here, i kept anxiously imagining why i'd eventually have to leave, how to plan for it. poverty issues. the homelessness we were facing through the entirety of a couple of years until last august (and my dad having to be the saving grace). worsening health issues. i never knew, i couldn't predict it, i just worried about it. often tried to brace for it. maybe i got too comfortable this year, because this was when i started to think it wouldn't happen, that i really could stay. little did i know. and the reasons...are not reasons i ever fathomed, why would i have? how could i have? i wish it weren't so. (i wish a lot of things.)

i thought sometimes about the words i would leave you with, none of which are suitable now. i almost wrote nothing, yet found that feeling wrong, couldn't leave without something about parting.

thus it turns out i'm leaving before it's strictly necessary, before it's the fear of personal catastrophe coming to fruition, not knowing what i'll do or where i'll metaphorically go, as that is the downside of chronic illness and isolation narrowing this to my sole outlet. (lyrics keep running through my mind, there are always lyrics stuck in my head. no matter where i go, there'll be memories that tug at my sleeve, but there will also be more to question, yet more to believe...teach me to be more adaptive...help me say goodbye). my body is in such a fragile state right now (my mind not far behind) that maybe what i need to do is rest. just rest for a while.

this blog was never meant to grow the way it did, to take asks and have conversations like i did, that was a somewhat new (sometimes scary! often fun) experience for me. it's one that will never be replicated. to my loyal and lovely anons, i'm so sorry that i had to cut you off unexpectedly and couldn't reinstate communication - i know that you weren't able to reach out to me as soon as i did that, and that certainly wasn't your fault, it was a response to the tenor of this website. i apologize for the hundreds of messages i never had the chance to answer. i'm appreciative of the things you shared with me and all the times we got to talk.

i sincerely hope some of you learn to be kinder and wiser and less reactionary and more willing to learn and to listen rather than to attack those who have never wronged you and who do not deserve that. i'm being too nice, but i hope you learn that misusing your supposed social justice to do harm and foment hatred and stew in ignorant cruelty makes any principles you purport to have utterly void. my hope for that is low at the moment, but it's still got to be there. waiting to be found.

to those of you who have never been anything but kind, you are true treasures, the lights in the darkness, the loving and compassionate embodiment of human spirit. some of you have (quite literally) helped keep my mom and me alive, and i can never repay that or do enough in this life to quantify it. some of you have been here for me every single day, to listen and laugh and cry and understand. i don't think i would've bothered to fight through these past three years had i not had your presences in my life. i wouldn't have had as much of a reason. there are times when i still haven't felt like i had a reason, i struggle through so many varied griefs, but then i continued to wake up, and would come on here and find something joyful or beautiful or affirming that someone had sent or posted, and it gave me an anchor. there are passions and interests i shared or discovered here that were so uplifting and enlightening, and i will carry them in my heart always. being here to find those was such a blessing. being here with you to indulge in them was such a blessing. thank you. i pray your continued paths have more of that ahead. look at all the things you've done for me. there are certain things that once you have no time can wear away.

you know that line from the wizard of oz?: hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable. maybe that isn't true, maybe our hearts being broken is proof of something. there are people who hurt me on such a profound level who i know weren't affected by it at all, but i refuse to define my sensitivity as a negative. my softness (too soft for all of it, indeed) does not quite provide me with a weapon, but it doesn't crumple. hearts can be broken repeatedly and still beat, which i've thought about a lot lately. shattered souls just make a new mosaic. it's a different picture than it was before, but the color and light persists. and in the remains of that, a handful of people have shown me depths of caring and resilience that i wouldn't have gotten to hold onto otherwise, which is an extraordinary thing. the precious rarities have to mean something more, don't they? i would think so. i believe it. or i'm trying. i keep trying with all my might.

maybe i stayed too long at the fair. maybe this is a consequence of overplaying my hand, gambling a little too much with time to where it had to teach me something. maybe i needed the reminder that sometimes we have to fight to retain our spirits, and other times we have to retreat. maybe i needed a reminder that all that extra time was a miracle. i don't take it for granted.

whether we've spoken directly, be that consistently or in scattered flurries, whether we've interacted in very personal ways or simply in liked hearts on the dash, i hope there was goodness and light in it. i hope there's a memory i leave here that's sweet. (as long as i'm borrowing phrases, i hope you'll think of me fondly sometimes.) i hope there was something warm and enriching here. i hope you know what you've been and meant to me. i said so many times that this blog was my cozy haunted house - the ghosts will linger here forever, and i know they'll never mind if you want to step in and visit.

with all my heart, i love so many of you so dearly. i am so lucky to have your friendships. please move gently through life. please hold onto the things that illuminate it for you, and provide that where you can. please do your best to repair even the smallest of tears in the world. you are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.

there must be lights burning brighter somewhere.

something yet remains. i remain. and i do my best to be brave.

[fanyyy444]

✮Motivational Post✮

(Personally made for me but feel free to accept my words if somehow they resonate with you/your thoughts/concepts, mindset, etc. Or whatever..(:♡)

(Skip this post if you're not into manifestation please??)

This is my life, my world, my reality, and I have the power to make any changes I want, just because I want so. I am completely capable of anything, I can and I will achieve any and all of my dreams, goals, etc. And I am fully aware that everything I wish for comes to me naturally and immediately, I know that it is a fact that they have no other choice but to come to me🩷

I AM the creator of my own reality, whenever I want/desire something, it has only one choice which is to come to me and me only. I do believe in divine timing, perfect time, the right time, etc. But I also believe that my desires will come to me the exact moment I allow them to, I have some desires on mind but I'm NOT allowing them to become reality right now, and it's because I don't want to, I don't feel ready to receive them, BUT, the moment I tell myself "I'm ready", the moment I allow my desires to come to me because I feel like "the right time" is now, my desires have no other choice other than come to me the exact moment I allow them to, the moment I feel that I am ready🩷

I'm aware of my powerful mind and mentality/mindset, and I am infinitely grateful for having such powerful, positive and magical mind and mentality/mindset, I just love my mind so much, and I love myself too🫶🏻💗

How could I not?? I'm the perfection itself, I love and admire myself unconditionally and way more than infinitely💖 I am my own best friend forever🫂 It just doesn't matter how many friends I lose, in fact there was a reason for it to happen, I understand that I have to let certain people go, u know, they just won't add anything good in my life🤷🏻‍♀️ Recently I've lost my 2 bff's, but I'm not regretful of my decision or the things I said to them, I wasn't feeling like myself with them, our friendship were no more true and I just wasn't feeling comfortable with them anymore, I was feeling like our connection wasn't very strong anymore, our paths aren't destined to be together(Couldn't find a way to describe this better but anyways). I don't feel sad or regretful, well I currently don't really know if I'm thankful for the all the laughter and the good moments I had with them, I think I should be..Idk..Yeah I said think instead of know, but I think(Again🥲) I'm thankful for the good moments..Or not??? I DON'T KNOW🥴 The moment I perceived they were no more understanding me, supporting me and respecting me was the time when I finally decided that I had to let them go and that it wouldn't work anymore..

I just don't think true friends tell you to kys nor tell you mean things/reply you with mean words randomly?? They are mean/rude with you for no reason randomly.

Anywayss lol, if our paths are no longer aligned, if our connection feels so weak and dead, if our friendship ended then it just wasn't meant to be, and I fully understand this, I understand there are better people for me, and + I also understand that I'm my own best friend, I'm the one who understands myself perfectly, my own company is enough💗 Though I'm also aware that I'm never alone because I have the Universe, my spirit guides, my Higher Self, my sweet boys BTS and ofc my whole spirit/divine team in general. There are better beings around the world for me and I completely understand it when the Universe cut my cords with someone🩷

I'm very proud of me and who I became, I went through a lot and many times I could've died but somehow I'm still alive..Maybe it means something lol💖

I'm just so strong because I've endured it all this far, and I've learned so many things along the way, I learned how to be stronger every passing day, I learned how to love myself unconditionally, I learned how to endure negativity, etc etc..

I really love and admire myself and who I am becoming🫶🏻💜

In my pov there's no one like me, no one just as unique and perfect as me😅 (When you take self love too far lol😹)

Soo yeah Stefany, you're nice, keep going😭👍🏻

Anytime I feel like giving up again, like I'm not enough, like I'm powerless or whatever, I'll just ignore these feelings or thoughts and think deeply about myself again, about my strength and power(In manifesting senses too). I'm again here telling myself that I am perfect, powerful, loved and many more hihi😊🩷

I'm so strong, I'm so proud of myself🫶🏻💗

I acknowledge my power and I will achieve all my dreams and goals no matter what, I know I can do it and I will! Achieving all my dreams and goals is something destined to me and definitely destined to happen💖

Now just a random pic of very important people who also have helped me a lot through my hard moments, I'm infinitely grateful for existing in the same world and century as them, infinitely grateful for knowing them and being an ARMY!💜

I think now I gotta go lol <3

Byebyee🙋🏻

[bobombun]

10 characters 10 fandoms

I got tagged by @skuitti like two months ago, and kept forgetting, but here I am! So, ten characters I enjoy, in no particular order

Alphinaud Leveilleur from Final Fantasy XIV. He is my brother, he is my son, and I love him to death. Ride or die. The assistance to his artisticness. In ARR he starts off overly sure of himself, and I have a weakness for characters like that, and then he grows from uh, that little experience in post-ARR and keeps learning about the world and how to live in it. A bleeding heart, though I'm sure he'd put it in different terms. He's way too smart for his own good, buddy needs to stop getting involved in every project in existence, but then he wouldn't be Alphinaud, I suppose.

Seere from Drakengard 1. He's kind in a world that offers little solace to those whose strength comes from kindness and compassion, and despite going through all that happens in DoD1, he doesn't lose that compassionate heart in DoD2.

Masumi Usui from A3! (the game, I never watched the anime). I have a fondness for character types like him, who love someone with their whole being and then some. Though he also tries to understand why the one he loves thinks it's unhealthy, and reflects on it, which I appreciate, since it's a bit less common to see in media with characters like him.

Byleth Eisner from Fire Emblem Three Houses (disclaimer: I only finished the Golden Deer ending). I actually love silent protagonists, and I thought it was fun how the game gave us a reason the MC didn't emote much. Yet the game allowed Byleth to mourn properly instead of glossing over that whole thing, which I also really appreciated. A low-emotion character was allowed to show their emotions, and not thought of as weird for it. I also thought it was sweet how throughout the game Byleth learns to show their emotions more, and seems to become happier than before. I also see myself in them somewhat, so there is that.

Atton Rand from Knights of the Old Republic II. He's fun, he's sassy, and he's always got the one-liner for the job. Despite that, he struggles with his past, and is hard to dig out the truth from, which I thought was a nice contrast. Every time I play KOTOR2 I have him in my team.

Gundham Tanaka from Super Danganronpa 2. He's such a fun character to play around with and ponder about. He's eccentric, and not afraid to show that. Unapologetic about being who he is, and yet he clearly has some issues I'd love to explore. I so badly want to learn how the world he's constructed in his head works, I want a guided tour and a pamphlet.

Infinite the Jackal from Sonic Forces. Now listen. He's cool, he's edgy, and over-the-top. What more could you want in a villain? If I had the money and the know-how, I'd love to make a proper cosplay of him.

Piers from Pokémon Sword and Shield (I've only played the game, I haven't seen the anime). He looks like a depressed raccoon, and moves in such slouchy arcs I can't help but relate. I respect and admire his attitude, in how he's ready to give hell to anyone who's trying to force him to conform, and how he goes his own way as much as he can without outright breaking the rules.

Albedo from Genshin Impact. I enjoy and relate to his calm but teasing personality, as well as how curious he is about everything. I find his lore interesting, and would love to hear more about it all. Besides that, I also really like the Dragonspine mountain, so that might've made me like him more. If I ever get back into Genshin, I'll try to pull for his constellations, he's like the most built character I have.

Kurapika from Hunter x Hunter (I stopped reading at around when the gang heard about the Dark Continent). I don't really have an explanation as to why I like him, I just remember him being instantly my favourite out of the main team. I did find it somewhat funny though how when he's traveling with Gon & Co. he's really enjoying himself, but when he's out and about by himself, he is absolutely miserable, and wallowing in rage. Poor guy needs a break. I actually almost made my first ever cosplay him, but ended up not doing that. Maybe if I ever pick up HxH again, I'll get inspired to do that. His robe looks so comfortable, and I'd love to wear the chain "glove" he has. Man, now that I've said that, I feel like going back to reading HxH (maybe re-read it?) just for him. Maybe this time I'll get past where I left off, which I've done twice now.

All in all, to become a character I like, you have to either be difficult to parse/be mysterious, be low-emotion, be fun, or be goth.

[lilflowerpot]

ok, I have the most important question of all: How are you? Hope life is going well for you right now?

((rambly personal post incoming, you have been warned))

I am,,,,,,,,, learning, I suppose. You know how people tell you that life is less a steady curve of progress, and more a wiggly-woggly mess of ups and downs and tight little knots that no one—least of all you—can make sense of? I think I am in the process of unraveling one of those knots.

Those of you who've been around for a while (or have been very dedicated in combing back through both this blog and my ao3 author notes) may recall that I've had a somewhat contentious relationship with my health for several years now; the short of it is that burnout is no joke, and I've come to accept that due to various life circumstances and the extreme stress caused by them c.2014–2018, the ramifications my body suffered in the years following will... likely never go away completely. My physical health is not what it was, and possibly never will be again, but with the divine combination of medication & love, I'm learning to live with it, so aside from one small scare that saw me rushed off to A&E for an utterly //thrilling// overnight adventure back in july, I am greatly improved from where I was a few years ago.

On a more positive note, I started therapy! Though it's not something I advertise irl due to being quite a private person (and having someone in particular in my life who,,, shall we say struggles with respecting boundaries?) I want to be open about the experience on here, because mental health is absolutely something that should be destigmatised, and I think that my younger self might have reached out sooner had she had more people tell her that it was okay to do so? I started CBT in early 2022, which really didn't work for me because it felt very... focused in the moment? Like "go on a walk! set yourself tasks! simply Do Better :)" and the therapist I was working with did not, to put it delicately, make me feel particularly listened to—by which I mean he would repeatedly cut me off to ask questions......that I tended to be already halfway through answering.

I've now moved on to Psychodynamic therapy, for which I've only had a couple of sessions thus far, but have found infinitely more helpful and suited to the issues I personally need to address; I'm sure you've seen people saying things of this vein before, but I cannot emphasise enough the importance of finding a therapist that works for (and more importantly with) you! So if anyone reading this has perhaps toyed with the idea of therapy, but lost heart (darling, I've been there) then please allow me to encourage you to seek help if you are able. I won't lie to you, it's emotionally taxing—exhausting, even—and already I've cried about things I didn't even know I was still struggling with, but it's also been i n c r e d i b l y cathartic to have a professional with no emotional stake in my life (ie. I don't fear judgement or personal ramification) walk me through the process of untangling it all.

What else... oh, I'm taking up lifedrawing again! It's something I greatly enjoyed during university, and I've managed to find a class nearby that starts up next week, so I'm very much looking forward to that. There are also several additional (and entirely free!) short courses offered by my local college that I'm looking into, in the hopes that I might find some passion and direction for myself beyond where I am rn. As a final note, I've got an exciting personal project in the works that—all being well—I'll hopefully be able to reveal to you all in the coming spring, so stay tuned for that!

So yes, I'm learning, things are looking up, and I'm working my way toward building a modest future for myself, even if it's not at all what I might have expected it to be a decade ago. Life is funny like that.

[archer12xx-main]

📌 Pinned Post 📌

Ayo! I'm D and welcome to my main blog. This may be overdue but better late than sorry, right? Haha lol jk

Anyway, here's the list of sub/secondary blogs that I have under archer12xx-main:

archer12xx - this secondary blog is for Tobias Fox and other Infinite Blue (it's an otome chat sim game created by Velvet Fox Games) related posts. I'm most active here (aside from my main)

beelscheeseburger - this one is for Obey Me and my love for Beel and Mammon-sama. Though I'm like a bubble on this blog lol I could disappear any time.

his-little-fool - this one's for Lucien Xu of MLQC 💜 (same with beelscheeseburger though, a bubble 😂)

d-plays-otome-and-vn-games - this one's for everything else, from twisted wonderland to pc otoges. It's kinda new and it's the reason why I decided to make a pinned post.

thepepperwoodchronicles - last and definitely not the least, my New Girl-themed blog. It's inactive at the moment but I'll be right back to it for sure (probably after I'm done with OP)

--

Kinda wish tumblr would allow us to choose which one to use when commenting and stuff. But... hope this helps! 🥰🥰

Keep reading to know more about me.

TL;DR - an introvert who loves One Piece, MCU, otoges, webtoon and manga, basketball, dogs and cats, languages, movies, and non animated tv series. Also someone who has a lot of secondary blogs. 😂

Author's Section:

Like I said above, I'm D hehe nice to meet ya!

I'm 24 and I go by she/her

Currently in college

I'm a filo living in the Philippines

English is not my first language, so if you see errors forgive me T_T I also speak Korean, a little bit. I pick up languages easily because I love learning them. But too lazy to actually study them. 😅

I sometimes write stuff and I try to draw, too (you can see some of my works on my sub blogs ^^)

I like/love a lot of stuff and a lot of characters lol namely;

On One Piece, my main man is Roronoa Zoro. I also love Shanks, Law, Pell, Katakuri, Ace, Rosinante, Smoker, (and for some reason, probably before I knew who he was) Kaku, and of course Sanji-kun and Luffy. I'd say Rayleigh and Mihawk too but not the same kind of love. I just think these two are so cool and I'd love to have them as my ojichan and otochan respectively. 😏😉 (Yes, I'd call Mihawk Otochan not jijiwe, not otosan... otochan lol)

Aside from OP, MCU is one of my other obsessions hehe but don't ask me what team I am on Civil War because you won't get a serious answer lol ✌️ I love Iron Man, though. He's my favorite Avenger. Loki is my favorite, too. And if I have to choose among the villains, I'd choose... Thanos because I hate him the most. 😅

And then there're Infinite Blue Tobias Fox, Obey Me Beel and Mammon, MLQC Lucien, Twst Leona, Jack, and Trey, TOT Vyn and Marius, Duskwood Jake, Mysme ZEN, Wannabe Challenge Biho and Yooha, Ikevamp Leonardo and Vlad (and a little bit of) Sir Arthur, Ikepri Leon and Jin, Nekopara Sage, Blooming Panic xyx, RLFC Lex and Sol, Colorful Mirai Millo, TeachersLP Edgar and Dr. Fox, Under Maintenance Theo, Love Spell Marcello, Sinsations Greed (do not judge me pls lol), and the list goes on and on and on. Lol

I also read webtoons and manga

I also watch tv series, such as New Girl, kdramas, etc.

Movies, too. Like a lot. Romcoms, action comedies, sci-fi and a little bit of Stephen King horror stuff.

I still play Left4Dead (yeah you read it right haha) and my go-to character is Zoey. Though I could never get past the freaking subway T_T (I don't want to use a walkthrough though...) Rip 💀

I love dogs and cats, despite being allergic to them lol

Taylor Swift, 5sos, and everything else.

Coffee and tea

Loves basketball, too. PBA - Ginebra Kings (Thompson and Brownlee), NBA - GSW (Klay Thompson, sometimes Curry but mostly Klay)

Anyway, this is getting too long and if I continue you might end up knowing me better than I know myself. 🤣🤣

And it's probably obvious by now, I don't have a lot of friends. 😂😂 Not just because I'm an introvert. Lol jk (serious about the introvert tho)

That's all folks! If you're still here... Wow! Thank you so much for reading this!! Stay safe, drink water everyday, take care of yourselves, and hope you're having a much better day today than yesterday! I mean that for tomorrow, as well. 💚💚💚

[four-bastard-bustle]

If i am not the leader, if i am not the strongest, if i cannot act as though i am the only member of this group of any value, then what worth do i have? Who am i, aside from the leader? Why is it that when i try to exercise the power i was sure i had over them, i am only hurt for it? Not just hurt, it is slowly killing me to use my power. But if i don't then... What worth could i possibly have? Who am i supposed to be except for the strongest member of our group?

Am i happy where I am? With who i am? Even if i don't fully know who that's supposed to be? If I were given the chance to see the place i was from, would i take it? Would i re-enter an entirely different society just because i ought to? Is it not my responsibility to discover and connect with my heritage, my "real" home, my "true" family? If i am happy where I am right now, with the people I've grown up with, isn't that disrespecting my heritage? Do i truly belong with them, even if i feel comfortable around them? Is that enough?

What worth could i possibly have outside of my bloodline? I am nothing without the connection I'm meant to establish with my ancestors. But why must this be all there is to me? Why must i live out my father's dream for me? Why must I fix his mistake? I cannot fathom my life having any other meaning than to reconnect myself and my parents to the royal family and yet i feel that there must be more to it than this. Can i find worth in myself? Is there any worth in my body and mind? Could I ever be loved, respected, even just tolerated? Will i ever be enough?

Why can't I be myself? How am i meant to find myself if i am forced into a role so fundamentally opposed to everything I know about myself? My struggle for identity, my struggle to find myself and become happy with myself so that I can end this pretentious facade of superiority and jokes, has been frustrated furthermore by the existence and actions of a doppelganger whom i am fully expected to mirror in behavior and mindset. I am already unsure of who i am and this has only made it infinitely worse. Why can't I just find myself? Why must it be so hard?

[jerrylevitch]

Do you think or know whether Jerry ever regretted all of the affairs and sleeping around? Or if he looked back on it differently later on? I know he'd talked about it kind of jokingly, which i'm sure was a default/defense mechanism. I also get all the factors that contributed to that behavior so I don't really judge him for it, and he wasn't the only one doing it by any means...I was just wondering if you had a take on it or knew anything. Still love him, that horny little bugger lol ;)

He did feel guilty and for awhile, and he tried to be faithful to Patti in his own mind by not finishing inside the woman he was with. According to Jane McCormick:

"Jerry was almost bashful when it came to having sex, but he thoroughly enjoyed it. Still, he had a quirky way of dealing with his loyalty to his wife. He would not climax inside me, no matter what kind of sex we had."

Of course you'll see Jerry boasting about his sexual escapades and other crap like he didn't care when he was older like on E True Hollywood Story or Playboy, and GQ Magazine, but I always go back to this passage that Jerry wrote to himself and consider this the truth, because here he didn't have to put on a show for anyone, or try to look macho by saying he had all these women.

From Patti Lewis' book:

“Jerry was a master at candidly acting out personal vignettes about three areas of real life: relationships, situations, and predicaments. They form the backbone of his comedy. He nurtured many relationships and wrote volumes on how he felt. I tried to understand what he was saying, beyond the words, when I read the notes he sent me; the “I luv you’s” written across my makeup mirror at home; and the longer messages I found on my desk.” ”At times I found him five parts philosopher, one part humanist, ten parts deep thinker, one part spiritual, fifty parts comedian, twelve parts unpredictability, and twenty-one parts everything else. In 1966, one late summer afternoon, I found the following and took it to the garden to read:”

”To ask how deeply I feel is like asking, ‘Where is God?’” ”We can answer with nothing more than “if’s” and “maybe’s.” “In other words, the answers are really intangibles, yet I’m going to attempt to answer one of them to the best of my knowledge and awareness.

My feelings, where my wife is concerned, are very deep and very sacred…She is the very reason I live…for she is the only reason I know that makes living worth anything…and the boys that she produced for me are equally worth it, but one day they’ll leave and then there will be only us…

She is the first human thing that has ever cared about me or for me…Oh, there were little dogs, and little boys and a few beings that cared, but not enough that I could have survived.

It was only when she came into my life that I realized I had a life to live…I was always made to feel that I was given a case of breath out of pity…It was as though someone said, “We have plenty, give him some.” Then I knew I had to make good and be someone, or something a little better than those that gave me an occasional handout… As I got older, I didn’t much care about being better than them anymore…I just cared about staying alive and getting some degree of respect as a human thing on God’s Earth…I knew he didn’t mean to have anyone just exist…but he meant fur us all to have a meaning and a purpose. I have to try to get my thoughts put in the proper place so I can put things down that really count! Now then, if my wife was the first to care and to really treat me like a human being with love and warmth and the like…the big question is, “How could I have treated this special being as I have?” My answer that I find coming is… After so many years of being made to feel like nothing…I guess I worked on being something so much more than nothing…that I found myself making the real somethings around me nothing in the haste that drove me to be something…The responsibility of taking care of the loves I had always had made me feel like, “Why should I care for what one day will discard me anyway?” I don’t know if that’s the case, but it sounds right…and coming from someone who loves those tremendous loves as I do, it certainly confuses me, too… My constant silence, I think, has been fear…of what my love would think of what I’ve done…fear of doing the wrong thing…and losing the respect I have always felt I got from her…to be placed in the position of being disrespected and disregarded again has always knotted up my insides so badly that silence seemed the only way to avoid the possibility of rejection…very often my hiding was part and parcel of that fear…The feeling of being nothing again, or being looked at with disdain, has, for as long as I can remember, been tearing me up inside…And those tears have come out looking like torment…Well, tormented I am, and have been, and pray one day soon I won’t know the feeling anymore… My wrapping myself up so completely in my work helped for a while, but the “ego” that came across was never there…I have none. But I work desperately at displaying “ego” to cover the real emptiness I know inside… As a director I have found infinite peace…because I am to so many…an authority, a man who knows, and not someone who is treated with “pity” or “charity”…That’s the biggest reason for the love of creativity I have, for a man is free when he is creating. Not just creating “funny” by way of the mask I wear, but by making others the puppets…and making them stand out front for a change…The feeling of “behind the camera” feels safe, and warm, and special, and certain…”Out front” has been very hard and trying for me…and for the first time in my life I think I can honestly admit…I hated doing it and I still do…The happiness that seemed to appear from standing “in one” was nothing more than getting a general acceptance from a lot of people who care at the moment….But “at the moment” isn’t enough for me anymore… I need all the care I can get all the time…and I only seem to be able to get that from my love, my wife… I don’t ever want to appear “indifferent” to my wife…but that appearance, too, I think is just hoping not to be a burden and an annoyance to her...I just can’t remember ever being anything but an annoyance…and when I’m told I’m not, I can’t seem to recognize that is possibly the case. I don’t like to hide and run…I want to be free to go and do as any other man does… I know I need help…but I really believe the help will come from within…as soon as I can place things in their right positions… Admitting to “hating performing” might help me adjust sooner…Admitting the love I have for writing and direction will, I’m sure, take me out of the depths of my depression…and will ultimately take me into the realm of peace and contentment. I want to talk more, I want to communicate more…I want

to say so much, and get help from her, I want so much to scream the things that tug away at my heart and my soul…And when I try, the hurt is so strong, and deep, and festered that I clam up, and the relief I want doesn’t come… Now to bury that grief…I find someone who has equally as much or more than I so that I can be the helping hand…For if I can help, then my hurts can’t be so bad…How much trouble can I have, if I’m listening to someone else’s? And for years I made that a practice…to give of myself only to forget I needed more giving than anyone… I don’t think I have always been aware of that fact…I really wanted to share and give and be charitable…but there’s that word again…charitable…I should have known better. For “charity” was the one thing that started my life wrong.. I wasn’t entitled to charity by those people when I was so very young…I was entitled to all the love and care all little lives should get…But how long did I have to wait to realize “charity” shouldn’t deal with the ones we love…They should only get the real “love” and nothing more…and give “charity” to strangers in need…Period! (And they should be picked carefully!) I’m trying to feel “God” in me and maybe with his help we can push out the torment…and place the “alive” of a being, back where it was taken from… With it all I am a very lucky man…to have found the real, right, and perfect human being to spend my years with. I want so much to do the right thing to keep her straight and happy and healthy… When she is ill, the reaction to it isn’t any different than when the spike is forced into the vampire’s heart…it’s the only emotional thing that can kill me, and that’s when she hurts…or when I’ve caused her pain…but my intentions are never to hurt her, never to do her a moment’s pain…Never to create a frown on her lovely face…Why those things happen are a complexity to us both…And I will serve myself from here on in as a student of care and concern and caution as to how she gets treated and how I allow much of my feelings to affect her… I can only answer “God” honestly, and he knows my worth and my intentions, I have no fear of his wrath…for I know he knows I’m basically good, and fine, and honorable when it comes to my love and my soul for her… I have no guilt about what I have done thru my blindness…I only have guilt for the things I might have avoided doing…If I had just put…”First things first.” I will try! And “God” knows my heart is talking, not the typewriter.”

[dulcettonesofmattsimmons]

I Do (Matt Simmons x Reader)

Prompts / MasterList

Matt didn’t have many friends besides the team. Y/N didn’t want a big wedding. They both agree that they want a simple and small wedding. They both already got what they want, which is each other. So Rossi opens up his house for them to get married since he saw Matt as a son and he wanted to give his house as a wedding gift even though he still brought the couple a gift. Matt invited the team and his kids to come while Y/N invited some of her friends and family. Not a lot of people. It was small.

Y/N got a few of her friends from high school and the BAU ladies to help her get ready. “Oh I already know that Matt is just going to go crazy once he sees you,” Penelope said cheering. “Thank you, Garica” Y/n answered blushing, looking at herself in the mirror.

Once they were ready to walk down the aisle, Rossi volunteered to walk Y/N down the aisle since Y/N’s dad couldn’t make it since he was away for a job. When they got to Matt, who already had tears in his eyes, Rossi just pats Matt’s on the back and walked to his seat. “You look just beautiful” Matt whispered. “I got to keep up with my soon to be husband” Y/n replied, Matt just smiled and looked down. “I think it’s me who has to keep up,” Matt said, making Y/N smile wider.

“We’re here to celebrate something that rarely has ever been found. Which is true love. Matthew Simmons and Y/N L/N found and now are ready to bond together for eternity. Now I believe that the bride and groom wrote their vows.” The minister spoke looking at Matt and Y/N. They both nodded and took out their own papers.

Matt breaths and speaks.” I admire you. Simply because of your kind soul, tender heart, and a positive mindset. I especially appreciate your endearing sense of humor. I am ever so grateful for your love and selflessness. In return, I offer these promises. I promise you my everlasting devotion, my loyalty, and my respect. I promise to love you unconditionally and to grow with you in mind, body, and spirit. I promise to pray with you, to dream with you, to build a family with you, and to encourage you. I promise to share in your joys and sorrows and all that God has to offer us. You are my forever, my best friend, my dream come true, and now my wife. With these words and all the words of my heart, I marry you and bind my life to yours. Forever and always. I love you. At last, the day is finally here as we become husband and wife. Things always fall into place at the right time and the timing was perfect for us. Whatever happened the first time? Although I never told you, it didn't take me long to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. They say when you meet your soul mate you should feel calm, no anxiety, and no agitation. And your calmness is what gravitated me towards you from day one. I love you. I love the way you still give me butterflies every time I see you. I love the way you care not only for me but for everyone around you. I love the way you're patient with me. I love how much you're willing to try new things with me to make me happy. I admire how hard you work to help others and above all, I love how you love me. You've taught me things and opened my eyes to see life so differently and clearly. You've shown me the meaning of love and have made me become so emotional yet strong at the same time. You forever have my heart, my soul, and my hand as we journey through this chapter called life together. I promise to love you, respect you, and cherish you forever. I'm so lucky to have found such a perfect person that I get to spend the rest of my life with. You're my soldier, my lover and above all, my best friend. I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with you. So tonight I give you my heart and vow to be the best partner in life and in love. I love you to the moon and back. I promise to hold your hand every night and never let us lose our spark. I promise to love you, to be your heart, to keep a flame alive for you in my heart. I promise to have the patience that loves demands, to speak when words are needed, and to share in the silence when they are not. I promise to be giving and forgiving; to make you laugh and to laugh at myself. I promise to love you as you love me, through all hardship, darkness, and pain to reach for our joys, our hopes, and always with honesty and faith. You are my guide to love, my every wish, and the person I want to grow old with. You’re my person. You just are. When you walked into my life, love walked in, too. Time is always on my side when I am with you.”

Y/N wipes her tears and grabs Matt’s hand. She started. “I want so badly to be able to explain all the love I have for you. Not the love of butterflies and stomach knots—but more the blurring of self and the entanglement with another soul. Love is a word that is much too soft and used far too often to ever describe the fierce, infinite, and blazing passion that I have in my heart for you. You are a million dreams and a million prayers of a little girl come true. You are kind. You are silly. You are intelligent. Your laugh is contagious. You acknowledge my strengths and accept my faults. You make me want to be a better person every day. I take you as you are now, tomorrow, and for eternity to come, to be my husband. Even when the day comes that we're old and gray, I promise to always see you with the same eyes and the same heart that I see you with at this exact moment. So today, I vow to honor you and respect you, support you, and encourage you. I promise to dream with you, celebrate with you, and walk beside you through whatever life brings. I vow to laugh with you and comfort you during times of joy and times of sorrow. I promise to always pursue you, to fight for you and love you unconditionally and wholeheartedly for the rest of my life. You are my best friend and I'm the luckiest person on Earth to call you mine. I'm so proud that today I became your wife. I love you. I love the way you dance to make me laugh. I love that you always push my hair back when it's in my face. I love that I get a kiss from you every time we stop at a red light. I love that you're open to trying new things. Today, I want to make promises to you that I will always keep. I promise to never stop holding your hand. I promise to make sure I'm not just hungry when I get upset. I promise to stand by your side while you face the world. Listen to you when you speak. I promise to join your laughter with my own and when you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark. I promise to grow alongside you, but also to never grow up. I promise to love, respect, protect and trust you, and give you the best of myself, for I know that together we will build a life far better than either of us could imagine alone. I choose you. I'll choose you over and over and over, without pause, without doubt, I'll keep choosing you. I used to never truly enjoy moments because I was always waiting for what's next. The next thing to happen. Kind of living life fast forward. Now that I have you, I enjoy the moment. Every moment. Today seems like it's the start of a new journey, but I already belong to you. Falling for you wasn't falling at all—it was walking into a house and knowing you're home. I love you.”

By the end of it, everyone was crying. No one had a dry eye. “Well, I think that this is the part where I ask you a question” The minister spoke, making Matt and Y/N smile and nod. “Do you Matthew Simmons, take Y/N L/N to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death does you part.” The minister looks at Matt. “I do,” Matt nods, smiling. “ Do you Y/N L/N, take Matthew Simmons to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death does you part.” he looked at Y/N. “I do” Y/N answer smiling. “By the power vested in me, I pronounce you to each other, husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.” The minister spoke.

Matt quickly pulled Y/N in for a kiss and everyone started to cheer but Matt and Y/N could only focus and each other.

[themagical1sa]

thinking...

heads-up: gender thoughts, mentions of transphobia (+ hate crime against a trans person is mentioned), mentions of religion (particularly Catholicism)

Currently thinking about my gender, how it has affected me and my parents so far, its relationship with my identity and my Catholic religion, and how my gender could have affected me should it have been different.

Truth be told, my parents and I happened to be lucky that I am an AFAB intrafem person.

I know I said I was gender apathetic before, but that was because I denying to myself how much I actually cared about my own gender. Anyhow, it's still a valid label for those who relate to and use the label. Do not let anyone else tell you otherwise.

I could have had a different gender experience. I could have been a boy. I could have been non-binary. I could have been anything but a girl or "female."

It just so happened that the way I experienced gender was just... so feminine that "cisgender" wasn't enough to actually describe it — in fact, it was an underestimation of what my gender really is.

[Intrafem is] a gender identity which encompasses infinite, largely varied feelings of feminine and female genders. A person might feel different types or amounts of femininity and female-ness, and may use varied gendered terms to describe these feelings. Examples include: female, demigirl, juxera, librafem, etc. Intrafems can experience non-FFIN genders, but their femininity and female-ness is the most important, expansive, constant part of them.

Admittedly, just as the definition says, I am able to experience non-FFIN genders, but being FFIN is, indeed, the most important, expansive, and constant part of me.

I think the way I'm AFAB and intrafem has been really convenient for me and my parents because we have never had to argue about my gender at all. From what I've seen and heard from my parents about trans and non-binary people, the best they can do is to tolerate and respect them; they're at least open-minded enough to do that.

They aren't too welcoming of trans people, however. My dad has already been vocal about it a few times.

See, in the Philippines, most people aren't actually too "welcoming" or friendly toward those who are LGBTQIA+ — in fact, most people are only queer-tolerant and respectful at best (like my parents), though with some personal prejudices. At worst, however... some people could be abusive, anti-trans, and... well, now I'm just thinking of the late Jennifer Laude who was killed for being trans. Sure, her killer is American, actually, but my point still stands. Did I mention that her killer was pardoned by fxcking President Duterte? The way he enabled transphobia is beyond sickening.

Anyway, TL;DR, The Philippines is not the queer-friendly country some outsiders used to claim it to be. At best, people are tolerant and respectful. At worst, people can enable crimes in the name of transphobia.

I'm just glad that my parents — especially my dad — can at least respect trans people. When Elliot Page came out as a trans non-binary who uses he/they pronouns, I was worried because I thought my dad would remark negatively about him; on the contrary, though, he just hummed and said something like, "so he's a guy now, huh?"

Man, did that moment make me mentally sigh in relief.

Still, it doesn't take away the fact that, had I have been transmasculine instead, there could have been arguments about my gender and my presentation of it with my parents.

A lot of the queerphobia in the country doesn't just stem from a moment of misguidance from the Catholic Church (a lot of things can and will be lost in translation about God's Word in the Bible) — it also comes from the Spanish colonizers who taught us to shun away the already existing non-binary folk within our people and our indigenous communities. Precolonial Philippines and our religious beliefs to our various deities were actually already welcoming of queer and non-binary identities and orientations; the queerphobia we may have now (as well as misogyny and patriarchy, among other things) is nothing but the result of a foreign country's imposition on us.

Now, my family is Catholic, and the religion and its values have long been passed down to me with the help of my attending Catholic schools. My religious experience has been akin to a roller coaster, as I like to think: lots of twists and turns, and highs and lows. I used to just take the religion as is, but when I started questioning it was when I felt I became enlightened. Since then, I have essentially made the religion a part of me and my identity; being Catholic became part of who I am.

The way I practice Catholicism is similar to how my parents do — going to Sunday masses weekly, praying the prayers, and such — but it is also uniquely different considering that I am from Generation Z. In other words, in as much as I pray with devotion and piety, I also happen to mess around and meme about it a lot. You've might have seen me invoke God's or Mama Mary's name sometimes when in shock or when feeling intense emotions, or even seen me yell in the tags about me looking up to the sky and asking God weird questions about myself.

That's how much it's become a part of me, and I've become comfortable with it just as much as I'm comfortable with the fact that I am intrafem.

I don't really have any reason to be uncomfortable with myself; in fact, the only thing I'm uncomfortable with is my poor mental health that I have yet to properly confront with professional help.

It doesn't take away from the fact that I can somehow feel for trans people, though, especially those who were shunned away by their families in the name of religion. God is love, and love does not shun away nor disown one's beloved; love welcomes all, no matter one's gender identity, presentation, or romantic and sexual orientations. Love is as welcoming as it is "always protecting, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Cor 13:7)

I know some of my fellow Catholics and Christians have been disrespectful of those who are LGBTQIA+ simply because of mistranslations of the Word of God as well as the underlying hidden agenda of queerphobic people who happened to be Christians and saw these mistranslations as a tool to further pass on their queerphobia to other people. It's a horrible part of Catholic history — just one of the many other horrible things that the Church has done in the name of Catholicism — but I'm more than willing to learn from it. This is a problem that will always have to be confronted, and though I do have plans to confront it in various ways, this is what I can do for now.

I know not what those around you have told you, but God loves all. God loves all of us, and there is no exception. No matter your gender orientation, romantic attraction, or sexality, you are loved by your creator — you are part of God, and God is a part of you. You are a living blessing to the world. You are loved, and not just by the people who care about you; you are loved by God too.

We are all loved, no matter who we are.

...

...that will be all. If you made it this far, then thank you for reading.

[hereformcdonaldshonestly]

can i request for a match up? i apologize if this seems like a lot of words, forgive me for this is my first time :[

my positive personalities are i'm very very open minded and i fight for rights and equality, i'm a mature young lad, i believe i have a golden heart and is a kind person (not to the point where i let people take advantage of me though), i have a short temper but ALSO an infinite amount of self control that's why i don't blow up that easy, i'm rational and logical (i think about the prod and cons whenever i do things though sometimes i'm reckless) i'm empathetic, i always put myself in other people's situation.

negative traits are probably.. uhh, i'm impatient and suuuper competitive? BAKUGO level of competitiveness but less intense. i get annoyed easily especially if it's about loud noises. i procrastinate a lot but i still get things done on time. i'm a perfectionist. i tend to order people around me but it's not because i want them to follow me, it's just because i don't trust them enough to lead. i do think i have a LITTLE superiority complex. i kinda don't like it when people disagree with me or covers my idea with another idea whom they think is better? that's all i can think of for now :[[

for hobbies, i like to chill a lot. surf on netflix, read books, listen to music.

for likes & dislikes, i'll give a few that i can remember. i really like sci-fi movies and mcu, i like the sound and smell of beaches, sunset, sunrise, i have this strong feeling of happiness and ease whenever it's around 4 in the morning. i REALLY dislike loud and crowded places. bugs, snakes, birds, and people who are toxic and dumb.

i want a partner who's SUUUUUPER chill, laid back, and understanding. someone who's also logical, mature, and rational. someone who can understand me emotionally. a partner with sense of humor would be really nice. respectful, honest, loyal, and someone who'll trust and support me. a person who's affectionate and sweet is also something i want. that's all, i guess.

i want to have a relationship where we understand, listen, and communicate with each other. whenever we fight, there's never a competition on who's right and who's wrong. we'll just sit it out and talk like adults. i want to be touched a lot (I WOULD BE GIVING TOO OF COURSE) be it a hug, a kiss, subtle holding of hands, i don't care just please give me affection. spoil and baby me, i'd love that.

i'm bisexual! and uhm, a student from class 1 a would do.

+ i'm an f, my zodiac is taurus, love language is words of affirmation, mbti is INTJ-T.

thank you so much !! also congrats on getting 100 followers <33 more to come!

Thank you! I chose for you:

Hanta Sero!

Reason

I feel that Sero would be great for you! It was either him or Izuku! The reason why I went with Sero is because he is more chilled out but he still has a great sense of humor. I believe he will be very logical but still give a lot of affection! Plus he's sweet, funny, loyal, so he's a great match!

Why They Love You

He loves you for many reasons! He loves that you're very rational and mature, but you can still joke around and have fun! He is always supportive and he adores the fact that you're so open-minded and you want the best for everyone. He feels like he can go and talk to you about anything, but that you could come to him and talk about anything bothering you.

Date Headcanons

You and Sero always try to plan a date around your interests or something new! Tonight it was movie night! You guys sat around watching this movie that came out, you didn't know the name of it but it was definitely interesting. That whole night was spent watching different movies and eating snacks.

Sero would take you on a beach date! He would make sure you packed swimwear and a bag full of drinks, you spent the whole day playing around in the ocean and joking around. At the end of the day, you both sat around watching the sunset with the sound of the ocean in the background.

When you guys stay up together, Sero would usually knock out by 1 am or so. But tonight was different, he drank coffee and energy drinks to stay up with you! He wanted to spend the whole night with you so that's what he did, whenever it hit 4:01 in the morning, he crashed! You would laugh and join him after a while.

General Headcanons

Anytime you were sitting on the bed studying, Sero would always come up and wrap his arms around your waist. He would cuddle into you while you studied, making sure you felt loved, comforted, and focused all at the same time.

Sero always tries to impress you, even though you two are dating. He would surprise you with flowers and different small items. You loved it, he would always try to surprise you during stressful days, bad days, or honestly just any time of the day.

Sero loves cuddles! He will cuddle with you anytime he wants your attention, you both were sitting in the bed and he wrapped his arms around you. After that, you guys wouldn't move unless you absolutely had to. Especially with his quirk, he would wrap the both of you up and would take a nap! He loves all of the attention and cuddles, but he makes sure you come first!

Songs That Remind Me of You Both

Bigger Love by John Legend

To Die For by Sam Smith

Stuck With U by Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber

[fisherfurbearer]

I would absolutely live to hear about Future Plans and heritage fruits! My partners and I are looking at buying a house by the end of the year and I'm so excited at the prospect of a back yard to fill with food plants and gardening and everything! So I'd love to know more about someone else's plans!!

mmMMMMMMMMMMMMMM YOU OPENED THE CAN OF WORMS THE WORMS ARE OPEN THEY ARE EVERYWHERE NOW!!!! OHHHHHHH JEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING CAN STOP THIS!!!!

MMMMMM. I LOVE. DOMESTIC CROPS AND ANIMALS. SO MUCH.

SPECIFICALLY “heritage” varieties. The pre-industrial/commercial varieties that people lived on for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years, or even the stuff younger than that, it’s just...so!! Good!!!

You didn’t QUITE ask for this but this is where I’m going with it. I LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. The HISTORY of our domesticated crops (specifically fruits and vegetables, but mostly Tree Fruits!!!! But I’m also suuuuper partial to heirloom sweet potatoes/normal potatoes even though I don’t like the taste of sweet potatoes, they’re just SO FRICKING COOL and I want to learn more about other vegetables too) and animals is just....HOOOOO!!!!

Locally adapted,, perfect little....NUGGETS that just...perfectly fit their own SPECIFIC LITTLE NICHES...no matter WHERE you live, no matter HOW much space you have, no matter HOW good or bad your soil, NO MATTER WHAT, there is ALWAYS something to grow or raise, and we can thank so, so much of that to the incredible variety of heritage crops/animals (and methods of agriculture) out there. Mild, cold, hot! Lots of space, little space, no space!! Fertile, barren!! Every condition in every color and shape and flavor and size and ahhhhhhh!!!!! AHHHH!!!!

Hold onto your butts because this is one Hell of a Mega Ramble okay, there is so much to talk about here, oh man.

Some background, which you can skip if you want...!!! It’s a LOT and it get’s VERY NEGATIVE but also VERY GOOD AND HOPEFUL, it’s a real big story and it’s My Story and gives a lot of insight into Why I’m Like This but it’s okay to skip for sure!! Anyway:

I’ve been researching (i.e. writing literally 1.5-2k+ words nearly every single day) for literally 7 years now about all of my various Passions and Plans in life. Obviously breaks were taken due to Sad Times but no matter what I did, no matter what happened, I’d always come back to my dumb awful stupid notes. I have notes on my current laptop, my old harddrive, my SO’s laptop, my stepdad’s laptop, my SO’s OLD gaming laptop, my old netbook, my OLD OLD netbook, every phone I’ve had in the past 7 years (which has been like uhh...five? I have bad luck with phones..) and COUNTLESS pieces of paper and cheap composition books.

To call it research, it seems to silly. Writing these words here, to you strangers on the internet, I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU how VITAL these notes are to my VERY EXISTANCE.

I have been researching and writing and talking to folks and asking questions and LIVING AND BREATHING this stuff for LITERALLY, LITERALLY HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS if not ALMOST A THOUSAND OR MORE HOURS at this point!!!! If we were to actually SOMEHOW backtrack all the way to late 8th grade/freshman year when I first started dipping my toes into reptiles and fell in love with my first jumping spider that landed on my arm after I read Darren Shan’s Cirque Du Freak, after being so fascinated by the intelligent giant magic tarantula in the first book, and gathered ALL of my notes from then to NOW (I’m 21 now, if I was in college, I’d be graduating next May) it would EASILY surpass that. For YEARS in high school my family thought I was always playing games on my laptop, but really from the moment I got home to the moment I went to bed, I was watching lets plays with one side of the screen and reading, reading, reading, and writing, writing, writing with the other. For HOURS. Every. Single. Day.

Hell, this has been my most recent “Renaissance” of writing, after The Big Realization of earlier this year (I’ll get to that), and this is AFTER I went on a horrible depressed/manic rampage and deleted like 80% of my notes (that would have been from...hmm. This is what I didn’t delete, what Jessie recovered, and what I’ve added...so March to Early September, when Jessie switched my notes to a new program (I lost a lot of notes from lack of autosaving so now they’re on our nextcloud so I can’t lose them...but I’m too stubborn to use it still) and this is still like. A lot.

Keep in mind the average 10-11 kb file is 1500-1700 words for me. My biggest files (only of the ones I still have, on this laptop) are 40-60 kb. (Also these are Big Secrets that I don’t ever show anyone but Jessie, who I’ve been with now for almost 7 years, so this is pretty dang important to me and a big thing to be revealing.)

Current folder I’m usually saving to:

Nextcloud I don’t bother to use usually but probably should use:

Again, this is ONLY on my newest laptop, and this DOESN’T include the files I deleted a few months ago, nor the files I lost from February-early April after Jessie updated my computer and wiped my files, and I still have a BUTTLOAD left on my old harddrive from last year, but we never moved it up and I don’t feel a need to. (I’ve learned so much. So. Much. In the past year. I think I’ve matured a lot and really become more...Me. But I’ll get to that.)

Also doesn’t include the SEVERAL notebooks I’ve filled front to back this year (cheap $0.50 ones from work...I’ve blown through a couple biggish ones and I think 2-3 little quarter-size memo books) and all the receipt papers I have crammed into my work uniform...

But anyway why is this important? It really helps iron in just how HUGE this is to me. My future “Plans” aren’t just...it’s really important to me. Okay? I am but a humble stranger on the internet and my life and everyone elses’ respective lives are infinitely more complex than we can ever dare imagine one anothers’ existences to be, but just trust me when I say that I’m not pulling this from nowhere, this shit isn’t some sort of “fad” to me, this has been a long, long series of events and realizations and heartbreaks and so, so much pain that have finally led to everything kinda falling into place sometime this year where it hit me.

You see...all of my research topics followed a pattern. It went, in my rough memory, something like this.

It started with reptiles. Lots of reptiles. So many reptiles. I was so naive and young then and my sources sucked and I was very much a novice who dreamed of owning all sorts of cool reptiles when I got older, and of getting a gecko when I went to college. That was how it started and it went downhill from there. I branched off into gardening (I wanted and still want a blue tongue skink and had thoughts about how I’d grow a garden for vegetables and squashes and stuff for the skink and feeder insects) and THAT grew into this whole THING about raised bed gardening, square foot gardening, then into permaculture, which planted the seed for many things to come...and now I’ve ALWAYS LOVED BIRDS,, but when I learned that keeping CHICKENS was a thing (thank you Jennifer (Nambroth)!!!!!!!!!! Our emails back and forth are still saved forever, our talks about chickens changed my life and way of thinking Forever!!!) and I researched that, then I’d jump back to reptiles again, and back to chickens, then more reptiles, then chickens and QUAIL, or OTHER poultry,, and so on and so on. This beautiful fluid branching path that would always rebound on itself and I’d drop some topics, gain new ones, revisit old ones, learn what I liked, what I didn’t like, what were brief interests, and what were there to stay.

Some topics (chickens, new caledonian geckos, antaresia pythons, tarantulas, gardening...) would always come back. No matter what I did...they came back. As I grew as a person, I started to figure out what was important to me (CONSERVATION, animal welfare, reptile/invertebrate enrichment, vivarium design, combining art with animals, and did I mention CONSERVATION? and combating climate change/The World but that came later.) and while some of those points didn’t show up in my research until later...like my obsession with native wildlife/plants and domestic species...it never went away.

And as I grew older, outside of my research life went on, and I really went through A Lot in these seven years. Undiagnosed anxiety/depression all through high school, practically living in the guidance office junior/senior year, dealing with an emotionally abusive and animal abuser teacher for many years, living with my emotionally abusive/narcissistic mother, and eventually going to an amazing art college and having both the best and worst time of my life (Hahah!! Almost straight As and skipped a writing class with my amazing scores and was top of my class, Dean’s list first semester, in the Visionary Women’s Honors society, worked in the admissions office and did lots of cool things, but hahaha also really wanted to die and was Destroying Myself) and trying to get help while keeping it a secret from my mom...lo and behold of course she eventually found out about the Depression when I had to go inpatient near the end of my second semester, and she. HA, I can’t even cry about this anymore. She literally disowned me (took all my money, sold my car, cut me off of health insurance, made me pay my own hospital bills, refused to do my FAFSA for college anymore, dropped all support, and later when I had to come home because I relapsed again and the college made me go on a medical leave of absense, she threatened to kick me out and call the police [hilariously enough though the house was owned by my stepdad, not her, so she couldn’t do anything. Also I never did anything to her and she was just crazy and made up excuses. But yeah not fun trying to walk to work and being threatened over the phone that she was going to have me dragged out of work by the cops and not to come home, hahaha!!!!!! But then also when I did live with my neighbor for a few days she was apparently so distraught?? Haha what a weird person!!!! I haven’t seen her for three years now and it’s been the best thing that ever happened to me. Don’t mourn for me, it’s SO Much better now. Speaking of, she was a PETA-hugging ARA nutjob and if she knew what I was planning on doing she would’ve disowned me either way!!!!!!), and of course fighting to be able to move out and rent an apartment with my SO (I hate the word boyfriend. It’s been 7 years come January 11th, and we’ve been through so fucking much. And she [my mom...] and other people always made fun of him being my BOYFRIEND that that word is tainted for me...so Significant Other it is) and then being forced to live alone there for a couple months,, and then even after that, the fights with his family, the car accident in November, my mom ruining all chances of me going to college (keep in mind I had after leaving college, spent the next TWO AND A HALF FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE trying to make it so I COULD go back, spent all of my time, energy, hope, eVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING trying to do so,,, and she manipulated me and then lied to me and made it so I couldn’t), my rebounding depression, my Intensifying Aggression (terrifying. Developed when I was in college...I guess it’s some kind of rapid bipolar disorder, maybe triggered by me going on antidepressants in college, they said. But it was so long ago and they never knew the full story for a proper diagnosis anyway. But it’s gotten manageable and We’re Coping), the housefire on Christmas, moving Once Again to the new place and being told I can’t bring my 15 year old cat (he’s with my stepdad still now but it’s not okay.), the rats have to be in the basement, and oh yeah if you want to attend college again loans will be nearly 13% interest hahaha!!! and then finally just straight up breaking down in February and not leaving bed for DAYS and nearly committing suicide, just the real worst time ever, and my former therapist/psychiatrist place weren’t responding (turns out they discharged me!! haha kinda hard to make appointments WHEN YOU DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE and we DIDN’T GET THE NOTICE IN THE MAIL because our HOUSE WAS CONDEMNED and my mail was being sent to my STEPDADS an hour away!!!!!!!! Also really hard to talk to you when you BLOCK OUR FUCKING NUMBER and HANG UP ever time we fucking call haha!!!!!! Literally on the verge of suicide and not on my anxiety meds for MONTHS but hey sure that works too guys!!!!) which really didn’t help, and yeah it was really just the pits! Just the absolute pits, the Very Worst.

Now at this point I don’t remember exactly when/what changed, but SOMETHING did.

Leading up to February, I wanna say it was about October that I started getting kinda weirdly depressed, and I started REALLY tanking after the fire. After the fire, I had to move back to my stepdads within the night, and had to live without Jessie again and commute really far and keep the tarantulas a secret and in general be very alone and very sad. I started wearing down and it was getting so hard to just...enjoy. Anything. Even just taking care of the pets became difficult, and doing art or researching was impossible. I just...didn’t care anymore. I stopped caring.

On top of that, my climate grief and general feelings of Despair were at an all time high, and I just didn’t. Fucking. CARE. What happened next.

I spent YEARS of my life WEARING MYSELF TO THE BONE trying to get into college, the get back into college, to just try to do this thing that I was supposed to do, my ONE hope of having a career and a future that I probably wouldn’t even be happy with (I was an illustration major. I liked drawing. It’s what I was best at. But looking back, I wouldn’t have been happy doing it for a living. And Moore [no that’s not what my blog is named for, it just also happens to be my last name] was a great college but it just...wasn’t worth $30k a year with no cosigner for loans, even AFTER my scholarships) and my body and mind were wearing down and no matter what I did I didn’t care about myself, my animals, my partner, my life, nothing. I can’t explain how terrifying that is. Of all the time in my life, I think this was the worst. On top of my life problems, it must be said again that my climate grief and Misery regarding the state of our country and the world was also at an all-time-high, and I just felt...POWERLESS. Powerless and empty and uncaring and dead inside. I really wanted to just...drive off a bridge or eat a ton of pills (which I did do a couple times, don’t do that. Please. It’s NOT worth it.) and just stop Existing.

But then something just...changed.

I don’t know what it was, exactly. But I got SOMETHING back. SOMETHING “clicked”.

I’m crying a bit now. It’s so stupid to say, but I truly believe this is what saved my life. Realizing my purpose in life. That everything fell into place and finally made sense.

I’m going to be a bit more concise here but...basically...many of my passions and smaller aspects of myself all fell into place, so PERFECTLY.

It hit me that...ah jeez.

I will digress one more second. For those of you who don’t know, I have two Eurydactylodes geckos, named Vladimir (E. vieiliardi) and Estragon (E. agricolae). They are named for my favorite drama that we read in AP English, Waiting for Godot. It’s an aburdist theater play about two men who wait under a tree for someone (we don’t know who, just that his name is Godot) and that’s about it. Everyone had a lot of different things to say about that weird little book, but my take on it was that it’s supposed to be what happens to two men when they lack a “purpose” in life. Existentialism, and all that. They sit there and sit there and completely lose themselves just WAITING for this guy that they don’t even remember, they don’t even know why they’re there, and they do nothing to try and change that. The difference between existentialism and absurdism, however, is that absurdism specifically discusses this idea of a Chaotic Universe, this Lack of Meaning, this pointless quest of humanity to seek value and meaning in a universe without reason. It’s a fruitless effort, it’s Absurd! But the beauty of absurdism, this tiny idea that stayed with me in the goofy names of my geckos (I chose the names because I thought the play was amusing and I loved the characters’ relationship, which is Quite Gay and so Loving and Charming it warms my heart, and I loved that they called each other “Didi” and “Gogo”) and really held true to my own life. I DO NOT believe that THIS is why this change happened for me, but it’s ironic, no?

Back to Absurdism, Absurdism says... “here is this meaningless, Chaotic, RIDICULOUS universe. There is NO reason for ANYTHING, there NEVER will be, you DO NOT MATTER, you DO NOT HAVE A PLACE HERE. There is NO POINT to anything. So fuck it, and try to find one anyway.”

My original therapist did not understand why I found this so wonderful and inspiring. It’s so rebellious and selfish, I LOVE IT. To embrace the Absurd is to take the bull by the horns and flip it upside down! It’s to stare all of this dreadful pointlessness in the Void, and when it says “Why bother? Why care about these insignificant invertebrates? These ridiculous reptiles? These ABSURD apples???” and flip the bird both hands and say “BECAUSE I WANT TO, BECAUSE I SAID SO, BECAUSE I AM HUMAN, AND I CAN!!!” It’s...also more than that, it’s this long, defiant lifelong journey, this stupid, ridiculous journey of fumbling about trying to find one’s place in a cruel, vast world, and finding oneself in that journey.

I love people. I love the ABSURDITY of humanity, of people, of myself, of others. A Huge part of my Future Plans has to do with People, and Community, and Changing my little patch of the world. It’s not much in the grand scheme of things, but I know it can make a difference to someone and myself and that’s what matters.

Anyway back to the Clickening.

Around that time I had a moment like that. It was as if something in my mind was screaming at me, listen. You are here, and you have always been here to love animals, to love life, to make art, to tell stories with your art, to raise little sheeps.

And like that, it started Something.

I agreed to go to a local doctor, and was put on antidepressants. I’ve been on them since late February. I also got accommodations for work, so I have two excused absenses due to mental illness each month, which was good, because they tried to fire me 4 times now and they haven’t succeeded yet. (I’m DAMN GOOD at what I do, I’m just Sad and Unlucky and Dumb, but I’m doing a lot better now!!) I started taking all of the things I learned in the past many years and what I’ve learned about myself as a person (I won’t talk about it here but I’ve always struggled with my Identity [not gender wise, just...with my mental health and my mood disorder, it’s really hard to know What is ME and What’s The Illness) and it all started falling into place. My needle felting, my love for animals, conserving native wildlife AND heritage breeds with restoration grazing and positive impact forestry, utilizing my Overwhelming Charisma (in person I swear I’m quite a good talker! Way better than my typing here!) for education, outreach, and farmers market sales, my love for life and my fellow human beings and my plans to work hard to help feed my local communities and encourage sustainable agriculture and the dismantlemant of capitalism Love of our native wilds and backyards alike (I also have Big Thoughts about getting native peoples input as well, but I need to research that more and actually talk to people, but that would be in future years!!), and so, so many things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That started in late February/early March now, and since then I’ve still had Really bad times, but I’d say in the past mmmmm...probably since late July? I think yeah since about then things have really taken great turns. I’ve Matured a lot, really embraced who I am and what I want to do, and while I KNOW my plans are going to keep changing over time (tentative goal is to look for/buy our property in 2025!! That gives us 5 years post-graduation to settle down and see how things go, where Jessie will be working, where we’ll be living, how my mind changes, all of that!!) but I KNOW in my BONES in my SOUL that this is what I have always been meant to do. To raise things, grow things, and to Care.

ANYWAY WOW HAHAHA YOU SURE DIDN’T ASK FOR ALL THAT BUT THERE YA GO THERE’S THE BACKSTORY, THE FIRST HALF OF THE WORMS!!!!!!

TL;DR: I’m a sad sap who is now slightly less sad and has Big Plans that were 7 years+ in the making and I want to take all my Big Thoughts about exotic welfare (well, reptiles and spiders mostly, but sure) and also apply it to DOMESTIC welfare and Make a Dang Difference!!!!

Okay now I’ve become very burnt out, I’ve been writing for like two hours now? So this part will sadly be shorter, but I will definitely write more about it again if you or anyone else has questions or actually wants to hear about it.

Basically...the amount of These Plans that I am willing to let you folks know, is uhh...oh jeez where do I even begin, haha...

Well it started small plans (early years of research, when I used to think a small greenhouse was Super Wild and Crazy) but nah bruh we goin’ full hog, literally. My plans are to get a decent sized property, still in my state, and have a HUGE focus on Sustainability and Positive Grazing/Management! That means rotational grazing to IMPROVE soils!!! Thinning the woodlot and clearing brush for the HEALTH of the forest!!! Reintroducing blight-resistant american chestnuts to restore our forests and support a healthy wildlife population!!!! Using both honeybees AND cultivated native bees [did you know that’s a thing???? You can buy native bee cocoons, like raised humanely, and raise them for pollinating plants!! Like Orchards!!] and grazing pastured pigs and chickens under orchard trees, while also providing BUTTLOADS of native flowers and domestic tree blossoms for native pollinators!! All that great stuff.

My biggest focuses would be raising practical heritage livestock for sustainable agriculture and conserving heritage fruit trees, with a focus on apples and pears. I also want to grow a lot of mutually beneficial/low-impact perennial resources...think honey, maple syrup, nut trees, stuff like that! And I want to graze on pastures with native grasses and locality-specific wildflowers (check out Ernst Seeds, especially if you live in/near PA like I do!! Wow it’s so frickin’ cool) and focus on northern european short-tailed sheep (finnsheep, gotland, icelandic, leader, shetland, and soay) and small landrace American hogs (american guinea hog, ossabaw island hog) and the more recent but so full of potential idaho pasture pig. I also want to raise icelandic landrace chickens for utility (parasite/pest management, composting), conservation, and eggs. I also want to raise rabbits (silver fox crosses for meat, and french angora crosses for fiber! I have a dream of producing high quality tri color angora for spinners...three colors on one animal, and I want them to be especially great for fiber artists who want to raise their own fiber animals but don’t have a ton of space) and I have BIG orchard plans...SO MANY ORCHARD PLANS, HHHHHOOO YES....SO GOOD...also COPPICE WITH STANDARDS and FORESTRY and HOO YES!!!!! I LOVE SOME GOOD OL FORESTRY!!!

I think the best way to describe my current plans standings is that it seperates into a couple different “zones”, for my Current Ideas. This has taken months and so many countless hours of thinking, researching, and ironing out, and I’ve made so much headway in just this past week, but basically imagine this...

It’s mostly split into two pastures, the orchard, and the woodlot.

PASTURE 1

Pasture 1 would be the largest, where we would rotationally graze two primary groups of ruminants. Polled NES-T sheep (finnsheep/gotland) and horned sheep (icelandic/leader) with dairy cows (dutch belted) as well. Dutch belted for milk and specifically cheese production, and they would be grazed in front with the icelandics to help take care of the taller grasses that the sheep would avoid, and help keep the sheep a bit safer. All would be guarded by livestock guardian dogs. Group #1 of the icelandic chickens would be grazed behind them, to help break up manure and disrupt parasite cycles.

Pasture itself would be mostly a big bluestem/little bluestem/indian grass/switchgrass mix, with a good variety of livestock-safe wildflowers (small portion being nitrogen-fixers like tick trefoils and pasture pea) and seed-producing flowers for birds (wild birds and our birds!). Would be rotationally grazed 1-2 days at a time (avg. 3-4 days total) with a 21-35+ day rest period. Polled NES-T sheep would be moved to “silvopasture” (copse with standards, a portion of the woodlot, with coppiced trees for fuelwood/timber interspersed with standard-sized mast producting trees [would double as nut and persimmon orchard, and hog foraging in fall/winter!!!]) in the summer to help them deal with the heat. Summer would be the best time, as it’s after the spring predator pressure and before the acorns fall, which could be bad for them if they ingest too many. Rams and hogs would otherwise graze this land with much longer rest periods otherwise (more like 30-45 days or so).

PASTURE 2

Smaller pasture with similar planting, arranged ‘paddock paradise’ style for a small group of icelandic horses (SO GOOD, and useful!! Little horse hooves are much kinder to the forest than a UTV, and herding on horseback is less stressful for the livestock) and rotationally grazed shetland and soay sheep. Pretty simple, but important. Would also contain Icelandic chicken group #2.

ORCHARD

Worthy of a novel all on it’s own. I want to grow semi-dwarf heritage fruit trees with the fruit drop type synced to the rotation of pastured hogs (idaho pasture pig, american guinea hog, ossabaw island hog) and group #3 of icelandic chickens. Hogs would be in orchard spring-fall, and in the copse with standards fall-early winter. Hogs and chickens would be moved to a holding area during rainy times to help preserve the orchard floor and during winter, where we would also have a large waste management/composting set up for them to root and turn to their hearts content. Should be a lot warmer than the outside in the winter too, and I plan on it being in a high tunnel/hoop house so its covered.

I am ALL ABOUT pairing livestock with crops and encouraging multi-purpose acreage in general, so this is definitely one of my FAVORITE plans so far, and every time I revisit it, it gets better. I also want to raise BEES (honeybees, mason bees, leafcutter bees!!!) for honey and pollination. I also want to plant BUTT-TONS of native flowers and goodies for pollinators, as well as lots of seed producing plants and sunflowers for the chickens to forage for by themselves. These would be some happy livestock, for sure.

WOODLOT

Another huge part of the plan is that I want at LEAST 1/3-1/2 of the property to be Woods. Only a small fraction of the Woods would be managed for livestock foraging and more frequent harvesting (still looking at a good 7-10 year coppice cycle though for trees) and the rest would still be tended to, with the help of the local forestry folks, but it would be preserved for wildlife and low-impact timber and nut/fruit/sap collection.

The VAST MAJORITY of the farm would be multi-purpose acreage for both livestock AND wildlife benefit (and people too of course) and I truly, truly believe and KNOW it can be done. In fact it HAS been done, IS being done, in so many different ways by so many different people in different times, and I know that I want to be a part of it and I can make a difference and use my weird passions for Good and make a dang difference.

Ohhh jeez I’m real sorry I didn’t quite answer your question though but I hope this gives a little insight into what I mean?? And if anyone has Specific questions after reading this (if you make it to the bottom, bless your cotton socks, I’m so proud and also distressed) I can definitely answer them a bit better than this. And hopefully much less...whatever this is, haha!!

[lunarmochi]

to her;

hey.

been a minute, hasn't it?

are you doing alright? i'm assuming you're coping well. you were always better at having support systems and a consistent group of supportive friends. i hope you're doing better than i am.

what shows have you been watching lately? did you ever catch up on demon slayer? what other magic girl shows have you gotten into? it's... it's a shame, isn't it? we never finished that last episode of tbhk together. i never had the heart to finish it, after we had already watched every episode together. i never started owl house or helluva boss. you should've made me.

how is your progress in genshin? i'm assuming you're much farther than me. i lost the motivation to play after we broke up. have you finally gotten to liyue? i found it admirable how you were determined to finish all the mondstadt quests before progressing.

you're... you're still fresh in my memory, y'know? it's as if it was just last week that i could take comfort in knowing that you loved me. that you would always be at the top of my sidebar.

i'm sorry.

i don't think i'll be able to look at you without apologizing, for a while.

i'm sorry i had to be your first. i'm sorry your first relationship had to be with someone as mentally ill as me. i'm sorry i didn't listen to you. i'm sorry that i didn't take your advice, despite how much you told me it was because you wanted the best for me. i'm sorry i wasn't a good girlfriend. you would tell me otherwise, but if i was we wouldn't have ended up like this.

after you broke up with me, i've been learning a lot of things about the world and myself. would you be proud of me? i've... i've been infinitely more lonely. it's funny. i have people around me, but i can't talk to anyone about you. about how things were with you. it feels like i have no one left, but i'm bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders.

i've been learning about myself, too. not much, but little things. i've learned that going no-contact with the people i'm trying to cut out of my life truly helps me. out of sight, out of mind, as they say. i started calculus at the community college, and i'm somehow not failing! would you be proud of me? i was never really a math gay, but it makes me happy that i'm not completely lost. i'm learning how to cope, too, finally. i got back into writing, and i started doing wordle. i also started watching some anime again.

i miss you. all that codependency really is kicking me in the ass now. it's not your fault, though. me being codependent in a relationship was who i am, it was never your fault.

but anyway, i miss you so much. i miss going to you about the little things that happened throughout my day. or asking you for advice on whether i should eat this or that. i miss bonding with you over shitting on religion, or gossiping about others even if it was a bad habit. i miss talking to you about your ocs and your art. i miss seeing you ramble about the things you love. whether it be the latest owl house episode or how much you love thoma, i miss it. i miss it and i miss you.

i miss those intimate moments at 2am where we would talk about the world and what we want to do in the future. i miss having date nights where you would watch your comfort anime with me, and listen to my commentary about it. i miss playing games with you. i miss playing genshin with you, even if i would be the fourth wheel and watch as you tried your best. i wish we could've played minecraft together and made that house we always talked about.

i miss you taking care of me. how you would always check in with me, whether it be before bed or when i would start to get quiet in a server. i miss you talking me through an attack, and coaxing me to breathe. i miss you taking care of me when i would feel small. despite what i say, i miss when you would spoil me. i miss the little gifts you would buy me, or the art you would make without any prompting. i miss the way you knew me and what i needed. i miss the way you would respect how different my... interests were, despite you being ace and having no real understanding of why i liked the things i did. i miss the way you would praise me for getting through my day, or the nicknames you would call me because you know i loved them.

i wish you didn't leave.

i wish you were still here.

i wish you weren't fucking right about how it was better that we ended things, for our own mental health. i wish i wasn't so mentally ill that i made your health worse. i wish we could've worked it out. god, i'm sorry your first relationship was long-distance. i know how hard it was on you. i'm sorry, i can't stop crying while writing this.

i miss you. i wish you were still here.

i hate the way i can't bring myself to hate you. you weren't unhealthy for me enough to hate you, but you weren't a model of perfection either. it's this grey middle ground where i can't bring myself to talk shit about you or disrespect your boundaries. i love you too much to do that.

two months and it hasn't gotten any easier. i only just hid your sweater and stuffed animal away last week. i didn't have the courage to wear it, but it sat on my bed. staring at me, tempting me. i have all those little picrews i made, and that video you told me i should've deleted. i have that presentation i made of why you're the best, and those little notes i took on you.

letting go has never been easy for me, and i hate that about myself.

will we ever be able to talk to each other again? will we ever be able to say hello to each other, and have a conversation about life as if nothing had changed? would you ever take me back, knowing what i'm truly like? was it a lie? did you actually believe that things could've worked out in the future? you certainly got me believing it. did you lie because you thought you would let me down easier? did you sugarcoat your words that day, in hopes that it wouldn't hit me as hard?

i'm sorry but it didn't. i wish you didn't filter your words. god, i wish you broke it to me at a different time. i've only ever told one person about what happened that day, did you know that? whether it's for my sake or yours, i don't know. but it'll be hard for me to see bubble tea the same way again, after that.

it's funny, isn't it? you fell in love first, but it feels like i was the one who got hit harder. i never meant to fall in love with you, but you ended up teaching me so much about healthy relationships and loving another person.

people say that this is never true,

but i do think we were just the right people at the wrong time.

i hope we can someday look back at this time and laugh together, without a care in the world.

i wonder if in the future, when we've both healed, if we could start over and do it right.

i don't know if i still love you, but i can definitely say that you still have a place in my heart, just as you did before.

you'll never read this letter, but i'll keep it next to my heart. hoping that one day, i'll be able to ask you about your day once again.

i'll move forward with the hopes that our chapter isn't completely over.

i love you, my darling.

signed,

mushroom

[bluestarsintwilight]

Hello! I'm a Shining Armor and Celestia from two different canons, both seeking a Twilight that fits their canon...I'm not sure if you've found your Shining or your Celesita, but if you haven't, I'd love to hear a bit more about what I did in your canon to see if it aligns with mine + I am a minor, just warning//

Hi! I definitely haven’t found my Shining, but for Celestia I’m not sure. I know a couple of Celestia’s who might be from my canon oops ^.^;. But I’ll fill you in on some details anyways! I’m totally fine with you being a minor, but thank you for letting me know :).Well, my big brother was pretty much just like he is in common canon, supplemented a little by comics canon. He taught me how to play O&O and was generally a very fun, sweet and lovable pony. The biggest teddy bear I ever knew. Our parents were also like they are in common canon (I dunno if you’ve seen “Once Upon a Zeppelin” yet but yea). Dad was an astronomer who specialized in studying universal/ambient magic. He was among a select few astronomers who believed that there were either sentient life on the moon or that a pony had been there at some point prior to Nightmare Moon’s return. Mom, on the other hoof, was some kind of historian I think. My memories around her field of study are blurry unfortunately. But they both taught at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.Anyways, in my canon the Changelings did “reform” but their forms didn’t change. Chrysalis didn’t remain evil but rather was open to the idea of diplomacy after we took Thorax in as an Equestrian citizen. However, due to PTSD from the events of “A Canterlot Wedding” my Shining Armor couldn’t really be around Chrysalis. Throughout his life he suffered nightmares and flashbacks to those events. This did complicate the diplomacy a little bit but Cadence was able to do a lot of it on her own.Okay so here’s where I’m gonna share some info about my Celestia’s past but it will get into things that relate to me and Cadence. Basically Celestia and Luna were born alicorns. Alicorns were an ancient and powerful race of pony. It is rumored that it was from them that the tribes were born, each creation story is different though. Because Celestia and Luna were so young when the alicorns vanished, they had very few answers to the mysteries surrounding the alicorns. Alicorns became immortal essentially by connecting their magic to certain objects, this connection is one that happens naturally just as a pony comes upon their “special talent” naturally. Alicorn magic is extremely flexible and powerful at its core, which is one of the reasons they are drawn to things like the moon or the sun instead of a talent or instinct like other ponies. Once they discover their connection, an alicorn can then grow into their full form. Now, there’s a lot to talk about in terms of how Celestia figure out how to make ponies into alicorns but I’ll skip that for now. Cadence and myself, being ascended alicorns, were not immortal naturally. We did not have that connection that would make us immortal. However, ascention did grant us a much longer lifespan. Roughly a little over twice the amount of most ponies. So.. Cadence and I did outlive our Shining Armor.

Also, Flurry Heart wasn’t an alicorn in my canon (or at least, not naturally so, I don’t think she ascended but I don’t remember much unfortunately). She still managed to be an extremely powerful unicorn, and did indeed shatter the Crystal Heart. I loved her to bits and pieced though, my wonderful niece

One thing I’ll always remember is that Celestia gave me some very ancient texts, scrolls and pictures from around the time Luna and her took the throne. They were made princesses of Equestria a little bit before they got their cutie-marks, so Celestia had a light pink mane and Luna a light blue one. I loved those gifts and always kept them someplace special. Celestia and I shared a very close platonic relationship throughout my life. I could tell she was a little disappointed that I didn’t chose immortality, but she respected my choice. I’m infinitely thankful that she was in my life.So uh yeah, that’s all I can think of for now. I have a LOT of Twilight memories lnsgfkldngfl. I guess I’ll add that I married Sunburst in my canon and I think we adopted a Pegasus pony we named Harmony Faith... I couldn’t carry foals for some reason -shrug-.

[girlslob]

Hey, I'm a year out from breaking up with my ex-girlfriend. We both loved each other but it just wasnt working and it was for the best. I'm not gonna lie, it hurt like fuck, even from my perspective of breaking up with her, but it gets better. Just focus on you, keep your head up and try to keep at your other life goals. From what I can tell you're a smart and driven woman, and I know you'll be fine. Just do you

Thank you,this is so sweet and means a lot to me. Its just difficult cause of the exact reason you said– I still love him– that never changed… But we kept saying we could fix things over and over and over and none of it ever changed. We were miserable and even when we were stable and happy (after the first year of course) we were still ignoring a lot of issues. And it just got to the point where we hadn’t really spoken to each other– he barely knew about my life and I barely knew about his– granted we have both been busy of course, with us respectively moving one after the other and starting new jobs…but after the long distance and not talking for so long, it felt like we were strangers. Something on my end was lost along the way somewhere and although I had known for a while (and chosen to ignore) that our relationship wouldnt last forever (bc I want to get married eventually and possibly have children- which with our issues slowly became no longer feasable to me) because if, after 3 years we still haven’t managed to get along on a base level, then it just….wasn’t ever gonna change to the significant level that I would have needed it to.

the worst part was that he was READY to make it work. He wanted to make that commitment, to work on our relationship and fix it. And I know he sees it as me making the choice to give up on us but… At that point I had already been trying to force myself into having that same enthusiasm for that commitment, but it just wasn’t there. And it ended up hurting him more in the end, because I had been in denial about it and didnt even admit or voice it to myself BECAUSE I still love him and honestly it terrified me.

I just…. I had to… I had to break his heart and now I have to live with that, knowing I hurt someone I care about so much. That I will never speak to my best friend of nearly four years again. I knew I couldnt have my cake and eat it too, but having no cake at all just feels infinitely worse.

I burst out into tears today because I designed a logo/showmark for an ABC series and they liked it and are using it! And I reached for my phone because I was so excited to tell him about it and then I remembered…. And the thing is, because I was the one who broke up with him it just feels like i shouldnt be this devastated. But I am. I am still better than if it had been the other way around because I was able to at least make the decision (as the person being broken up with, that decision is made FOR you, plus add in the element of rejection and fuck. I feel so fucking terrible I have put him through that)

I just feel so lost. I dont know how to handle this. I’ve never broken up with someone before. Ive always been on the other end (not counting my first bf but I was 14 so it doesn’t count). I feel so heartbroken even though I knew it had to be done. Because I couldn’t give him or the relationship the time, love and care that it needed, I didnt have it in me no matter how much I tried to force it, and it was just hurting him more in the end.

I know it will get better– it always has. But the only thing that will heal me is time. And that takes a while. Add in that it has been so long since I’ve been by myself (and I wasn’t exactly in a good place the last time I was single too) and I’m just. Really fucked up ya know? Thankfully i am keeping busy, but….ya. It rough.

Anyways thank you for this kind message, I definitely used it to vent a little, sorry lol. I’m just sad and I keep rapidly going through these huge cycles of being ok for five minutes and then the next five feeling this soul wrenching pain with a dash of this feeling of immense loss mixed in there. And tbh, I have friends and family who are supportive who I can talk to and lean on…..but nobody comes close to the support and love he gave me. I know it was my decision but. Fuck dude.

Aaaand I’m crying like a baby again, so I’ll just end this here

[nemesis-nexus]

Darkest Greetings and Salutations My Family, how is everyone? I am doing pretty good myself, a little on the drowsy side as I'm still not sleeping after almost 2 months but I will survive, after all it is not my first time at this particular Rodeo!

Tonight is Walpurgisnacht, tomorrow begins the 5 day Fire Festival of Beltane! Hope everyone has a spiritually revitalizing experience during this time!

Walpurgisnacht/Beltane 2019

Beltane is a time of new beginnings and INFINITE possibilities! It is the halfway point between the Vernal Equinox and the Summer Solstice, it is also the time celebrating the reunification of the God and the Goddess who revitalize of the world around us and the creation of new and vibrant lifeforms!

It is a time to reflect on the past year to see what went right, what went wrong and what needs to be worked on to proceed!

All of us have things that we need to let go of but it's not easy, especially when it is something or someone we have a long history with, HOWEVER, it is absolutely necessary that we do it so that WE may move on!

A good way to sever ties with any person, place or thing is to create an image of it and when your bonfire gets to really blazing, throw that image in and BURN THAT BRIDGE! The fire will destroy the connection and the smoke will send the negative energy back!

I try to dispel all negative energy in the beginning of the ritual so that the rest of it is purely positive energy that enables all in attendance to be able to enjoy the rest of the evening!

HAIL THE ANCIENT FAMILY who after countless millennia continues to offer us not only Guidance and Wisdom, but also hardcore reality checks and demands the best from us at all times because they know we are more than what we oftentimes convince ourselves to be!

They say the Family that works together, stays together, and while humans have much to learn in that area, in so much as understanding that work does not always imply employment or getting paid with money but also pertains to taking care of the environment and our communities as we need both not just for us to survive but for future generations to be able to survive and thrive as well!

This is why it is necessary to look outside ourselves and see things for what they really are and not what we have convinced ourselves they are, we cannot afford to live in denial especially when it comes to our environmental health but also our emotional and physical health which is a direct reflection of the world we live in. If we want things to improve then we must do what needs to be done to improve them and stop this mentality that somebody else will do it including the Ancient Family!

Reality is painful at times but denial is much worse because we are enabling the bad things to continue whether we want to acknowledge this or not! This is why no matter how bad things have gotten in recent years they have not stepped in, because they have faith in us and trust us to wake up before it's too late and I still have hope that there is still time for this to happen!

This is why we take these times to bring to the front that which needs to be addressed and if necessary thrown into the fire and completely eradicated from our lives both physically and spiritually! I believe it was Epictetus who said that you cannot solve a problem with the same mentality that created it. I believe Albert Einstein echoed this sentiment and I agree with both assertions!

It is not always easy to come to terms with these things, however, personal evolution is not always an easy process to go through; it is not meant to be, if it were then EVERYONE would do it and we would not have all the con artists ready to take advantage out there nor would we be concerned about cults because people would not be susceptible to their song and dance of deception!

It is because we DO have to contend with these things that it is absolutely IMPERATIVE that we ourselves are ALWAYS at the top of our game! A leader who can not withstand the pain of their own evolution by ways of letting go of the past as well as learning new things is NOT a leader at all and has no business preaching to anyone about doing their own research when they have clearly done NONE themselves!

Most Honored Dragons we know that if we need to rely on your strength to see us through that you will always be there for us because you always have been; this DOES NOT mean that we won't have to walk through the fire on our own - a man who cannot stand on his own should not stand up at all - what it DOES mean is if we give something our all but we come up just a little short in any way that you will help us to keep going until we reach our intended goal!

What does this have to do with Beltane? It demonstrates that while dealing with some situations can be incredibly difficult, they still need to be dealt with, through the trials we face and overcome the stronger we in turn become and are better able to lead those who fight alongside us!

Beltane celebrates the birth of a new year and a new world which we were put in charge of caring for which is why we have the Four Seasons: Re/Birth (Spring), Life (Summer), Mid-Life (Autumn) and Death (Winter.) The Wheel of Transition runs on its own time and teaches us that everything happens when it's supposed to so we need to be patient no matter how difficult that might be!

Great Family we respect and exalt you for everything you have done and everything you do! For everything we ourselves have gone through you have been an unwavering rock and source of inspiration, you have helped us to deal with our own pasts and the people in them (related or otherwise) and you have helped us to heal from even the most serious of injuries whether they manifest themselves mentally, physically or spiritually!

You all do this and you don't ask for a DAMN THING in return except the respect you deserve! We perform our spells daily or when needed and during the course of the year we perform our rituals - NOT out of obligation, but out of LOVE knowing that without you we would not exist at all let alone be blessed with all that we have in the natural world!

"A Happy Walpurgisnacht and a Blessed Beltane to all!

May the love of the Ancient Family embrace and envelope you!

May your loved ones on both sides of the Veil be by your side!

May you dance with Dragons in the Moonlight!

May your food and drink be plentiful!

May you find peace in the Darkness of the night!

May you find strength and resolution in the Light of day!

May your bonfires burn bright against the night sky!

May your passions be fulfilled in every way!

May you release all negative energy and send it back to where it came!

May you be surrounded by positive, rejuvenating energy!

Most of all may you take the time to appreciate all you have and reach out to those who don't have as much but are willing to work for it!

We don't always know when a stranger may become a new friend or even MORE so, now is a time to keep our hearts (and eyes because we also don't always know when a human is nothing but a mole either) open to new relationships of all kinds!

-Nemesis Nexus"

"We came out from the deep

To learn to love, to learn how to live

We came out from the deep

To avoid the mistakes we made

That's why we are here!

That's why we are here!

That's why we are here!

We came out from the deep

To help and understand, but not to kill

It takes many lives till we succeed

To clear the debts of many hundred years

That's why we are here!

That's why we are here!

That's why we are here!

That's why we are here!

That's why we are here!

That's why we are here!

-Enigma ("Out From The Deep")

ZI ANA KANPA! ZI KIA KANPA!

MAY THE DEAD RISE AND SMELL THE INCENSE!

Etiamsi MULTA Et Nos UNUM Sumus Nos Sto Validus Ut Nos Sto Una!

Semper Veritas, Semper Fideles, In NINHURSAG'S Nomen Nos Fides! AVE NINHURSAG!

(We Are ONE Even Though We Are MANY And We Stand STRONGEST When We Stand TOGETHER!

Always TRUTHFUL, Always FAITHFUL, In NINHURSAG'S Name We Trust! HAIL NINHURSAG!)

AVÉ THE WHOLE ANCIENT FAMILY!

AVÉ IGGIGI! AVÉ ANUNNA!

AVÉ DRACONIS! HAIL THE GREAT SERPENT!

HPS Meg "Nemesis Nexus" Prentiss