#i have its own blog but i stopped posting cuz of reasons

[just-a-mod]

tbh i dont think i ever went into alot of depth of what happened to Jamie and Borres after the habitat ended

and even after all that

like rn they're both living very different lives

i dont know if people would be interested in what i've done with them outside of Smile for me things because i've kinda just

taken them

and ran off with them?

dunno

[haveyouseenthishorrormovie]

Not a poll request (so don't worry if you don't want to answer on the blog) but - could we get each of the mods' top 10 horror movies? (: I'd be so interested in hearing them!

Long post!

Mod Z:

*long sigh* *opens letterboxd*

K-12 (2019)

NOTE: Yk what imma just leave this here

2. Beau is Afraid (2023)

NOTE: a masterpiece i probably won’t rewatch for a long time but since i’m an ari aster truther it deserved this spot

3. Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

NOTE: Yes

4. The Crow (1994)

NOTE: Awesome ass movie. Awesome ass soundtrack. An absolute classic. I have the graphic novel it was based on and it’s one of the best things I have in my library

5. Carrie (1976)

NOTE: Stephen King’s the best at writing real characters <3

6. The Craft (1996)

NOTE: As a wicca myself, accurately depicted teen witches are my jam and this film did the best job at it

7. Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022)

NOTE: The only reason this isn’t in the top 5 is because i haven’t seen it in a while. If u had asked me in early 2023 i would’ve put this in second place for sure

8. Cam (2017)

NOTE: So underrated. Go watch this on Netflix now while u don’t know anything about it

9. Frankenweenie/Nightmare before Christmas/Edward Scissorhands

NOTE: CHILDHOOD (lumping them together cuz i couldn’t decide which tim burton film to add)

10. Smile (2022)

NOTE: okay wait this scared me shitless at the theatre and i just convinced myself this movie was bad to stop myself freaking out but this is a genuinely good and scary movie i’ve made up my mind

These are subject to change and Invisible Man (2020) definitely deserves an honorable mention but I haven’t seen it in a while to check if it still holds up

----

Mod L:

The Thing (1982)

Absolute masterpiece. Perfect marriage of cast, visuals, music, and script. They (audiences in 1982) hated Jesus (John Carpenter) because he told them the truth.

2. Ravenous (1999)

I love social horror more than life itself, and this is a pitch-perfect example. I recommend Atun-Shei Films' Overanalyzing Ravenous, if you haven't seen it yet.

3. Ju-on: The Grudge (2002)

See above re: social horror. I never stop thinking about how this series was inspired by rising incidents of domestic violence in Japan - how the contagion of violence in the home spreads to anyone who comes in contact with it.

4. Demon (2015)

This would pair amazingly well with my next pick, which is:

5. La Llorona (2019)

To quote a friend of mine after we watched Demon, "there is no society without memory."

6. Black Christmas (1976)

Truly ahead of its time as a slasher, as well as in its politics. Ladies, never date a Peter, and DON'T trust the Toronto Police.

7. The Devils (1971)

Nobody was doing it like Ken Russell, and nobody ever will again.

8. The Changeling (1980)

This movie understands the greatest horror of all: Joseph Kennedy Sr.

9. Us (2019)

My favourite Peele to date, no I will not be budged on this point.

10. Peeping Tom (1960)

An extremely prescient film about the male gaze and the medium of film.

(Mod Sus releases their own once they get the braincells rubbing for more than 5 movies)

[shellxrls]

babe r u okay we haven’t seen you for ages :/

SORRY NONNIE. i feel like i shld do a clarification post cuz i've gotten a few asks and i feel kinda bad for leaving u guys in the dark 😭. i've just been putting this off cuz i've been tired and stressed coupled with other reasons (that i'll explain) that make me not want to publicly interact on this blog:

recently i've noticed such a large uprise in hate on this app (ranging from pro-israel/anti-palestine posts to mutuals outside of my fandoms being called aggressive slurs to ppl within the obx fandom consistently expressing opinions of dislike and resentment to authors for simply writing what they want) - also largely made up of anon asks with the foundation of racial or sexuality based hate (which i won't go into depth ab but ppl definitely pick and choose who to send hate to based on those factors - pisses me the fuck off more than anything bcuz i don't come on this app to be bombarded with racism and reminders of my racial perception in this world, regardless of whether its directed at me or mutuals).

another thing, (which ik has been said forever but continues to remain important), the lack of support and interaction for/with writers on this app is definitely very discouraging. i no longer feel supported by the community i've created and the truth is i need that interaction to keep writing and engage my motivation otherwise i feel like what i'm doing on this app is pointless.

no one logs onto this app to listen to me rant ab personal issues, and so i wont' go into extensive detail - but i've consistently used tumblr to escape my personal life, and the burdens and stress that come with. ofc i'm a writer, but wayyy beyond that this is intended to be my safe space where i can enjoy and simply be myself and let go of personal stress as well as interact happily w like-minded ppl. due to this, i've made an effort to take time out of my own life and duties to write and to interact because of the community. recently however i find myself more and more anxious to even open the app and look at my notifs, and whenever i do open the app i make myself feel bad by comparing myself to other writers - which is completely normal occasionally, but at this point its not as easy to shake considering all the factors listed above. its unfortunate to say but it simply hasn't felt worth it to be on this app and interact for while now for me.

before anyone says i'm being too sensitive or its my sole purpose to write - pls remember that this is entirely my blog, i can choose what my motivations are for being on this app and its not a stretch to kindly ask for more in terms of stopping hate and simply being more supportive if u do genuinely like an author and their works.

ultimately i've been both a fan/reader and a writer on this app for multiple years atp, i can understand both perspectives but i've honestly never felt this disconnected and upset ab a blog before. I understand that not everyone is to blame, and i'm sorry to those who've been kind & active supporters, but my public interactions have been limited and may continue to be bcuz i feel v unsure & stagnant atm.

the only 'exception' to this is my mutuals, i love them all obv and their works, & so i'm continuing to interact w them as per normal, and so i am active on the app & i'm definitely not entirely gone by any means. if anything i just need a few more days to reconsider, but we'll see.

[damnfandomproblems]

Okay, it may be time for another one of these sort of inbox reply compilation posts, regarding the same post Problem #5168 and the ensuing reply exchange.

One more reply from the OP of #5168, responding to this ask:

Being passive aggressive and acting superior is ALSO rude. Therefore, since it was done in reply to my submission, i have every right to swear and tell that person where they can shove it. Im not trying to say you cant give me what i give you. Swear at me too if you want. Idgaf. I just refuse to be told how to speak. People wanna act like they no longer take me seriously because i swear, but decide to argue with me and tell me they dont like that i swear. Make it make sense. idk why I'm being singled out lol. Maybe because I'm actually responding to it. Hardly do i ever curse at people. I didnt call anyone a bitch or use any particularly offensive language or anything. All my cursing in my submission was used to express my anger with the exception of telling vague people to fuck off. I swore only 8 times. Yet the first anon that submission got acted like it was truly difficult for their pure, swearword free mind to read. Like seriously how does cursing and being angry make something "hard to read"? They must have a hard time reading everything here. Honestly i think they should look to read somewhere else because this blog is all about people's problems. Everyone's angry about something or another. Ig my submission was just tooo angry for people. Guess i crossed a line by being angry and cursing in my submission. Its such a stupid thing to argue about too cuz most of these people agree to some extent but for some reason they just cant handle me being upset? I can't wrap my head around why they care so damned much about whether or not an argument has swearwords or not. There's literally no need for me to censor myself here.

And a few others' replies, regarding this exchange.

Anon:

My dude, you're accusing others of missing the point, yet in your very first paragraph you're already going on about "professionalism" when that's not what anyone else was talking about. You're putting words in their mouths.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anon:

This is becoming such a strange conversation... Even if someone is being passive aggressive and or a dick to you, stooping to their level and then some by telling them to shove a post up their ass is just childish. Secondly, are you willingly ignoring how that anon pointed out that nobody cared if you responded "professionally", it was about just doing the bare minimum? "Professional" is a pretty wild word to use, nobody was suggesting you have to sound like you're working as a bank teller. Maybe the other anon pulled something out of their ass but where did "professional" come from but your own ass...? I don't know, just reading this whole thing is just perplexing me. ^^;;;

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anon:

Can the two people arguing through the askbox get a room already

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anon:

So this whole "fuck" debacle is happening, and I can't stop laughing because all I can think of is this scene: https://youtu.be/PmCLeTqD4hY?feature=shared&t=44

(It is a YouTube link to a clip from the South Park Movie)

[bad-luck-anon]

I started to type this up as a post on my anon blog but uh this probably works better. I won’t lie and say I’m not annoyed with the situation but their are unfortunate other factors at play with my own personal anger management struggles (that was…not a lie when I told Hetch about that) and very bad experiences with dnd characters with people deciding to fuck around and find out with little regard for how other players felt about it. And this has happened multiple times so it certainly left a very sour taste in my mouth and it felt like it was just another one of those situations with someone carelessly burning something someone cared about to the ground for the lolZ of it. But that doesn’t make me getting so upset fair to you. So yeah I got mad and still and annoyed and upset because I keep having stories like this getting burned cuz someone “wants to have fun” and it’s just. It gets old. Real old real fast but again, people shouldn’t take it out on you and I really hope no one sends death threats cuz that is never okay. Sorry I’ll stop rambling in case you don’t want to listen to me.

-🐢

No, i totally see where you’re coming from. As someone who’s a very active dnd player: i get it when a player decides to do that kind of things “for the lolz” or “its what my character would do.”

You have every reason to be mad at me. Hell if you want, you can yell at me in DMS or anything like that. That’s why i wanted to make a proper apology on this account so the fandom doesn’t start sussing out anyone else. I’ll definitely do what i can to try and help steer the story back in the right direction

[ask-captain-keating]

ooc post but keating would say this too so it can be both:

i am SO happy that everyone loves these prompts so much, and im even happier that people are picking up poetry for the first time, or picking it back up after a while! i really am touched that you all are passionate about this blog, passionate enough to pursue a creative hobby like poetry.

if you're new / rusty, please don't sweat it! you will improve to a point where you feel proud of your work, i promise. and! odds are that others wont feel the same way about your work as you do, and i know this for a fact because i adore all of the works you've submitted, even the ones where you're like "this is so bad, i tried, etc." you are your own worst critic, which is a cliche for a reason, bc its true! here's one of my first poems from back in like,,, november of 2022?

i fuckin hate it! i cringe looking back on it! odds are, you wont think its that bad at all, because youre not me, you dont have the idealised version of this poem in your head like i do.

tl;dr, dont ever feel discouraged enough to stop writing if you don't think you're good, cuz someone else will think it's fantastic

[linolinoing]

[ hey, you dont have to post this, i just wanted to say smth in response to some other asks ive seen you get. im just saying things in a monotone btw pls dont read this with any sort of extreme tone /gen. ]

all of them are older than me, and i am an established adult. they know the real world. i see not a single reason you should expect them not to.

chan is just as online as your average stay. felix is all over tiktok. students in a south korean university are demonstrating so noticeably news of it have reached people all over the world. and they are in south korea. they would have heard of everything by now.

chan has a habit of doing things jyp doesn‘t want him to do if he wants to do them bad enough.

i dont think anybody forced them to do this collab.

i dont think they secretly hated it. theyve mentioned wanting to collab with this guy before multiple times; i remember at least two.

3racha and skz have brought insane success to jype with all four of their most recent comebacks. jyp has his flaws, but i don‘t think hes an unapproachable tyrant. other jype artists have talked abt negotiating things with him pretty easily.

i personally dont believe they tried to object to anything theyve recently done, cc or this. i wish people would stop acting as if theyre literal slaves. theyre in a good position in the company and the industry at large.

if they truly wanted to object, i believe they would have.

hard is just something this sort of thing is. no matter who, what, or where you are.

[ all of our takes are more or less speculation, this is just my two cents. i would be happy if you would share them, but do with them what you will, its your blog. have a good day ]

About your second message - don't worry it didn't come of that way at all and please don't feel stupid for voicing your opinion!

I definitely don't think they were against any of the collabs they did, but unfortunatly there's still a lot of people who live in their own bubble and don't check the world news, so I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't know what companies are being boycotted.

Most kpop idols stay silent about pretty much all social and political topics, most can't even say outright what their own beliefs are. However there are idols who do speak up - Fatou from balckswan, BM from kard, Suho from EXO to name a few that I can think of. Can it potentially cause consequences for them? Yes. And they still did it. Until a few days ago people weren't event asking kpop idols to speak up, mostly fans were asking companies to divest from working with zionists.

It's pretty obvious 3racha like puths music and were happy to collaborate with him and judging by how many stays didn't know anything about what puth had said in the past, I don't think 3racha knew either. BUT there's is no way they don't know now. When skz were on stationhead today a lot of stays commented about Palestine and the boycott, even tho comments were going really fast, it was very noticeable. Will they stop all the promotions? No. Will jype release a statement? No. They're just going to keep on promoting this collab, remixes will be realesed soon, they're sending this song on radio and performing it on 15th, and that's only what we know of. I kinda feel like even after the promo period they will still perform this song, maybe at the festivals, maybe even on upcoming tour. Also they're spending a lot of time in ny right now so I'm afraid this is not the only weird move that we will see from them, cuz if this song is sort of a pre realese for the album then idk what kind of an album is waiting for us. I hope I'm wrong about that, but i guess we just have to wait and see

[throughthelensofthebabypanini]

I posted 6,991 times in 2022

That's 6,898 more posts than 2021!

19 posts created (0%)

6,972 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@winterspiderpurrs

@khalixascorner

@im-a-goner-foryou

@monster-cock69

@professional-benaddict

I tagged 3,037 of my posts in 2022

#peter parker - 940 posts

#harringrove - 839 posts

#steve harrington - 787 posts

#billy hargrove - 713 posts

#starker - 557 posts

#tony stark - 532 posts

#bucky barnes - 321 posts

#steve rogers - 221 posts

#winterspider - 215 posts

#spiderman - 203 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#literally they look like the couple that will show up ridiculously late at a party and still own the night because theyre just that powerful

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Okay so I’ve had this prompt(?)/idea(?)/plot outline(?) stuck in my mind ever since Black Panther gave me Erik “Killmonger” Stevens🥺 to drool over so here it goes:

• Post CW: Peter and Tony have been together for almost 2 years, Peter’s convinced their endgame cuz they’re both so in love. WRONG, Peter discovers that Tony’s been cheating on him with Steve for the past 6 months when Tony moans Steve’s name during sex.

• Tony tries to apologize, excuses start flying out his ass, “Baby you know you’re the only one for me.” Peter, against his better judgement, relents and they try to make it work.

• Not even a week goes by, he walks in on Tony and Steve. Tony tries to appease him but NOPE, Peter packs his bags and leaves.

• On May’s suggestion, Peter goes on sabbatical to Oakland where he decides to volunteer at the Wakandan embassy. There he starts to heal and stuff. Then, he gets the chance to actually go to Wakanda for immersion.

• In Wakanda he meets the newly healed and inducted prince N’Jadaka (Erik). It’s rough at first, Erik is closed off and Peter’s just starting to find himself again but they make it work. They complement each other and they’re beautiful together.

• 4 years later, SI is in need of Vibranium so Pepper and Tony, who’s not looking so great cuz him and Steve are just not okay, travel to Wakanda to negotiate with the Foreign Relations co chair and COO of the Wakandan Vibranium Distribution

• They arrive in a lavish conference room, set up their presentation/proposal, the door opens and a Dora Milajae announces the arrival of “the soon-to-be Prince Consort of Wakanda, the fiancée of Prince N’Jadaka, the Foreign Relations co chair and the COO of the WVD, Dr. Peter Benjamin Parker.”

• “Good morning ladies and gentlemen, shall we start the presentation? I have a meeting with our wedding planner and a cake tasting this afternoon. Who knew planning for a royal wedding was going to be so much work?” Everybody present laughs except for Tony.

• Because there in front of Tony is the man whose heart he broke looking absolutely breathtaking with a dazzling smile on his face and his heart aches remembering how much he fucked this up not just for himself but also for SI.

🤩TADAAA🤩

This actually looks more like an outline as opposed to a prompt but when I started writing the words just wouldn’t stop😅 anyways I’m just sooo glad I got this out of my system as I’ve been playing this story in my head for so long.💕✨

26 notes - Posted June 8, 2022

#4

❤️IL SUO CUORE💙

This is my first ever starker fic and I hope you like it. The fic is not beta read because this was supposed to just be a ficlet that turned into a full length-ish one. For some reason when I opened my Notes app this story just started to write itself so its rushed and not perfect, so please be kind to it🙏🏽 alsooo TW‼️ for attempt at non-con starting from: “memories of his Heart” up to “Back pressed against the wall”. If anyone wants to beta this please feel free to dm me and I’ll post it on ao3 🤩anyways here’s the fic, I hope you like it!🥺✨💕

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

It happened. The one thing that Tony tried to warn everyone about. “A suit of armor around the world”, that’s what they needed but no one NO ONE believed him and it cost him the one thing THE ONE THING he couldn’t live without. THE ONE THING he’d burn the whole world for.

Two years. Two blissful, mind numbingly wonderful years became the film reel he’d see every damn time he closed his eyes. Whispers beneath black silk sheets. Smiles reserved only for him surrounded by his creations, Their children. Declarations of “It’s going to be You and Me together Baby, always.” Hazelnut eyes sparkling with intelligence, wit, and love. The Love he lost in a planet lightyears away from home. Gooey caramel eyes that looked at him with so much adoration and warmth. So desperate to feel a smidgen of that warmth again, he plunged right back into old habits.

“Tony, you need to stop this! You’re killing yourself!” Tony looked at her, tumbler creaking under the weight of his hand. The woman he thought he loved years ago. Ha! She couldn’t even accept the biggest part of him. Couldn’t look at the symbol of his determination and perseverance to live. No, He was the only one who truly loved him but He’s gone now, he failed Him. Dust in a small alabaster jar on his nightstand. A reminder that He loved him as fiercely as He protected the city that raised Him.

“Why don’t we go away for a little while Tony. Some place quite just the two of us huh? Please for me.” Please for Me. Please for Me. PLEASE FOR ME. Tony, let’s go grab dinner. We’ve been stuck on this equation for 10 hours. Come on, please for Me. Everything imploded. Arms suddenly embraced him. Sinking on his knees and letting the grief wash over his soul, at least what remained of it after Titan. Tony relented, succumbed to the comfort he didn’t love.

Nobody knew of course. To everyone else, Tony Stark didn’t lose anyone of importance to him. They had no fucking idea that the Heart he finally had after decades of iron and pain and false affection turned to crumbled in front of his eyes, Dust in a small alabaster jar on his nightstand.

The house by the lake was what Tony envisioned the first time He said, “You know, I love New York. I’m tied to her but sometimes I just want to put my feet up, lounge on a swing by the porch looking out to a lake with you by my side.” He would’ve loved it here. His Nymph, his little Sunflower Prince. This would’ve been Their paradise, His meadow, the house he built for Him beside the lake He imagined, porch swing included.

She didn’t let him bring anything he could work on. “No distractions, please. You need to rest.” That’s what she insisted on. She could try and take away, his projects, holograms, ban him from his workshop, but she could never take away the old Starkphone with busted up screen from him. “This isn’t a distraction! It’s my Lifeline Pep!” A Lifeline filled with conversations of forever, images of those two years, and His voice. She tried to fight him for it but she backed off eventually, said “okay Tony” and went back to her calls. Her worked distracted her enough from realizing that he had another lifeline strapped to his thigh for safekeeping.

“Tony, come on. I know you want it, need it even.” It became a routine a few weeks after she sequestered him in the middle of nowhere. “No Pep. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. I have my own room for a reason.” A conversation repeated almost everyday now with the same words said, the same responses given. And every time she sulks, flounces around house, clattering pots, pouting, looking at him with glassy ice blue eyes, he apologizes like it’s his fault he doesn’t want to touch her like that. Can’t even stomach anyone touching him like how his Heart used to.

He sleeps, he eats, he tries to survive. She “dotes” on him, tries to get him to open up, then tries to distract him with SI work because “the company still employs thousands of people Tony. We can’t all be stuck in our grief.” With nothing to drown himself with, he relents. Works on improving tech for Stark now that “Tony’s had time to grieve and he’s going back to work Mr. Walker, don’t worry I’ll make sure of it.”

They celebrate the company hitting another milestone 1 year, 7 months, 16 days after Titan, after the snap, after he put Dust in a small alabaster jar on his nightstand. Stark giving the world a breakthrough in first response equipment. A biodegradable easy to use adhesive for wounds based on His formula. A formula tucked away in the servers he made for Him. Servers she had no right snooping around in. “This could help a lot of people Tony. Relief operations, rescue missions they’re still happening. SI could aid in those efforts.” He wasn’t convinced, this was His. His creation and no one but Him should decide what to do with it but he’s gone, Dust in a small alabaster jar on his nightstand. “Okay” he yields.

“This is great Tony. We’re still on top of almost all major fields. Stark is still the powerhouse we built despite everything that’s happened. And you’re finally coming out of your funk. Here, I know you shouldn’t but since it’s a special occasion you can have a glass or two.” One glass, two, three, four. One bottle, two, three, four. He sat there, throat burning, vision blurring, his whole world spinning, it was nice feeling warm again, even just a little bit. He wants nothing more than to keep floating, drifting like he did in the Benatar. No expectations, no deadlines, no pressure, just him and memories of his Heart.

Then a weight on his lap disturbs his peace. Arms around his neck, hands on his hair, chapped lips on his. “It’s okay Tony. I know what you need. Don’t worry I’ll take care of everything. We’ll be a family, I’ll make us a beautiful family. You and me together, always.” He screams, “GET THE FUCK OFF ME!” Shoves his arms forward and scrambles to the corner of the room. Back pressed against the wall, nanites crawling up from his thigh to his outstretched arms, gauntlets ready to fire. “WHAT THE FUCK TONY! We were finally going to be together again!” This bitch, THIS BITCH! “What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?! I TOLD YOU! I told you NO YOU BITCH! NO!”

“TONY! I’m trying to help you! THIS, ALL THIS I can fix it for you. WE can fix this, all you have to do is let me take care of you the way you need it.”

“THE WAY I NEED IT?! And you think what?! Everything’ll be okay after we fuck?! Is that it?!”

“No! We’re going to make love the way we used to. Tony, I love you so much, I just want to help you, let me help you.”

“I don’t know what ideas you’ve convinced yourself with Potts but I don’t love you anymore! Hell, I never knew what love TRULY meant when we were together. Whatever fantasies you’ve conjured up about us is just that, a fantasy because I’ve only ever loved someone once in my whole life. My Heart, who I lost on a godforsaken planet lightyears away from here!”

“Tony you don’t mean that! You’re just confused, we weren’t together when you were up there, I’m still here Tony. We can even be a family now. No more Iron Man or Avengers distracting you. We can finally make a life together, a family. Don’t you want that?”

“My Heart isn’t you Potts. It never was. I don’t even want you to know who He was after what you pulled you selfish bitch! The only family I want is the one I built with Him! Just like how I want to live in this house, the house I built FOR HIM, WITH HIM!”

Seething, he was seething. It was clear, even to Rhodey whenever she let him visit, that he held no affection let alone love for her. He thought she was safe, but he should’ve known. Should’ve realized all those times she insisted she take care of him that way. How could he be so stupid.

“Tony, please you have to understand, I’m doing this for US. I won’t let you ruin the life I made for us here. I won’t let you!”

“What life?! I was trying to survive my grief, these months weren’t us making a life together. I needed a place to grieve the Love I lost and you INSISTED on being there for me but what did you do? You took away my suit, Rhodey has to go through you before he can visit me, you only let me use the workshop because you thought I just needed to suck it up and make SI more money! This isn’t life, this is a prison! And I was soo stupid not to realize the shit you were pulling.”

He had to leave. He had to be safe, so he fired at the wall across him and ran up to take the last thing that was His. Dust in a small alabaster jar clutched safe in his hands, the suit engulfed him and before he could reach him FRIDAY freed him from the prison she made.

“I’m so sorry Baby, don’t worry I’m gonna make sure that We’re going to be safe from now on. FRIDAY set a course for the compound, alert everyone I’m coming back.”

The field was littered with the remains of the team he once considered his family, a family that he was trying to mend because the world needed them. You’re so much more than who you mask yourself with Tony. You’ve always been kind, generous, you gave the world a hope unlike any other. And I AM SO PROUD of you for doing this. Nobody moved when he landed but when the nanites retreated, their eyes saw everything. The grief he tried to survive, the pain that bled through every bone in his body, they could all see it now. Laid bare, hands clutched around the Dust in a small alabaster jar, he wept.

“It’s okay Tones, FRIDAY told us, it’s going to be okay, you’re here now, you’re safe.”

The days passed but the hollowness didn’t, everything was still painful but he was starting to hope now. He didn’t think he’d ever get to the point where he would function without his Heart but he was trying, it’s what He would’ve wanted. I’m not going to pretend that I know how difficult this must be for you Tony but you are doing the right thing. It’s scary, I’d be peeing my pants if I was in your shoes, but you can get through this. I’m gonna be with you every step of the way.

See the full post

32 notes - Posted May 11, 2022

#3

“They met by pure chance.

Peter was working a very much illegally obtained job as a pizza delivery boy, and Tony had just escaped Obadiah's dreadfully boring client briefings. Peter makes his last delivery to a shitty nightclub- the same shitty nightclub Tony picked to avoid paparazzi.

Tony is not gay. He's really not. He's just drunk and painfully horny. He figured he'd give it a chance because this guy was very hot- and definitely on the young side but that's what bouncers were for, right? To check ID.

He didn't expect to fall in love. He didn't expect to be someone's dirty secret. He didn't expect to be the one begging for a relationship.”

Made my first ever moodboard for this starker fic I’ve been obsessed with for quite a while now which is Dacrylagnia by Extraho🤩

It’s very well done and a big departure from the common dynamic that I’ve seen starker portrayed in fics💖 here’s the link and as always, mind the tags!💕✨

86 notes - Posted April 22, 2022

#2

Post CW Avengers where Alphas Steve and Bucky pull a Clint-with-the-secret-family and bring the entire team to hide out in their upstate NY home but forgetting to inform their former HYDRA Spider/Red Room’s only begotten Son/Herald of Death Omega Peter that they’re bringing guests over.

- - - - -

“You know, when I told you boys you could bring work home with you sometimes, I meant you could bring paperwork or evidence you need to study, not bring your entire team over because the villain of the week blew up the compound.” An unknown voice rings loud and clear in the hull of the Quinjet startling the already agitated heroes.

After a moment of stunned silence, Tony peeps out, “Um, hello? Hi! Who are you?”

The voice responds cooly, “Ask the Alphas whose knots are in danger of being fodder for the pigs.”

“Heeey babydoll! Um We know this isn’t the best time to do this but we thought the team could spend a few days at ours?” Steve, who apparently knows the owner of the voice, reasons. The Captain fiddles with his hands and throws a sheepish smile towards one of the cameras.

“Don’t you babydoll me Steven Grant. We agreed that the pups and I are off limits to your crew until we’re all ready. This is a clear violation of what we agreed on.” ‘Babydoll’ bites out.

Bucky opens his mouth to respond but is cut off by a flailing Tony, “Wait wait wait! Hold on! Babydoll? Pups? What the actual fuck is going on right now?”

Bucky stares at Steve, a whole conversation happens with their eyes. Steve widens his eyes at Bucky and the latters sighs heavily. With a pinch of his nose he says gesturing to the ceiling and then towards the team, “Um so everyone this is Steve’s and I’s mate, Peter. Peter, darlin’, this is the team.”

Peter, who seems to be more exasperated now than displeased responds, “I would like to say it’s a pleasure but considering the circumstances it’s quite unfortunate that this is how our family’s introduced to all of you.” He sighs and calls out to Steve and Bucky, “Steven, James, KAREN’ll take care of the landing protocols. Make sure not to agitate any of the plasma cannons near the fences, I’d prefer it that I’m the one that gets to blast you both for this.”

Both super soldiers let out a relieved breath, “We’ll make it up to you sweetheart. We promise.”

“Oh you better or else you both can get ready sleeping with the horses for at least a month.”

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I am KAREN of the Spider’s network. I request everyone to please be seated as we are about to reach the Barnes-Rogers family home. Thank you.

90 notes - Posted June 10, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Just thinking abt ABO starker with FRIDAY calling Peter “Madame Stark” UGHHHHH

Could be a post CACW fic with Tony “welcoming” the rogues back to the compound and FRIDAY saving him from a confrontation by announcing,“Boss, Madame Stark has arrived and is looking for you.” *insert the rogues’ confusion here*

172 notes - Posted April 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[cesium-sheep]

it seems ms thorne was citing a violently ableist philosopher without acknowledgement of that ableism, which. hm. (I know about this because someone sent a complaint to her blog which was apparently not the only one, and a disabled blogger I follow reblogged it.)

in trying to find the “other ask” she refers to in her [response] where she says she already responded before (which she did not link to) I accidentally stumbled upon a [post] of her stomping her feet about a cis person calling her ‘they’ because it is misgendering but... she doesn’t actually have her pronouns stated in her description or any pinned post, here or on twitter (or even on youtube). she refers to herself as an actress but. if I didn’t know I would err on the side of ‘they’, because that’s the polite thing to do when you don’t know! except in the opinion of binary trans women because they are the arbiters of pronouns I guess!

turns out the other [ask] was an entire week earlier, much less detailed in its accusations towards the cited philosopher, and seems to be responded to with the conclusion of “it sounded like too much work, I guess maybe I was wrong, we’ll talk about it later”. whereas the more recent ask was responded to with “I already addressed that, we’ll talk about it later” which.

she used to be substantially ahead of her peers in awareness of existence of the disabled, which is a nauseatingly low bar but she was clearing it. she has actually gotten worse over time, and between these and the pronoun one I am dreading a retread of the ms points route. (altho to my recollection and to ms thorne’s technical credit, ms points was never on the ball about the disabled to start with.)

I know it’s easy for them to twist around into more oppression because they’re legitimately afraid and on their guard for good reason, but fuck dude. as a nonbinary cripple, able-bodied binary trans women are so fucking exhausting. especially since half of them apparently don’t see the binary/nonbinary distinction, wear our nonbinary labels like a convenient middle ground between coming out and staying closeted, then throw us in the trash as soon as they reach their own arbitrary standard of true binary womanhood because I guess they assume we’re all on their page about the purpose of they/them pronouns (namely, exclusively evaluated in relation to how (and how long) the binary trans women benefit). so to that particular subset I’m just a Whiny Cis Woman. despite being no more cis than they are. and far less a woman. constantly erased and belittled by my own ostensible community. and then they act like their access to gender-affirming healthcare is the only kind of access that could ever possibly fucking matter to boot. (and no, for some reason I have not had this experience with binary trans men. although there are far fewer trans men elevated to such a degree to begin with, altho yes the number of trans women with such a platform is already smaller than the number of cis ppl. Funny How That Works Tho Huh.)

like yes trans women are genuinely oppressed but they can get real fuckin crab bucket about it (and shocked pikachu face, and god that’s grating too) and it doesn’t stop hurting and shoving us further down just cuz it’s got a rainbow sticker on it. idk bro I’m fuckin tired.

[lesbiandeerstory]

yesterday was deer dev wednesday but i promised one of my best friends i’d take yesterday off work and so i DID THAT and thus i didn’t put together a post. but now it’s deer dev THURSDAY SO LETS GO

ok so first thing’s first: WHERE AM I AT WITH THE EPISODE 1 CHAPTER SCRIPTS??? great question, me! last week i had chapter 4 written and had started chapter 5, this week i have chapter 6 written and have not started chapter 7 yet. so some progress, but i did slow down a little this week temporarily.

the reason for this is twofold, and also the main crux of today’s update post.

FIRST: EPILOGUE CHAPTERS

i actually hadn’t outlined or storyboarded the epilogue chapters when i started writing scripts! and i kinda needed those outlined so i could write them eventually! :v so i wanted to just go ahead and get those done so i wouldn’t have to stop and start repeatedly wrt script writing. now the epilogue chapters are fully ready to be written once i reach them chronologically!

this process took two entire days, and i mean two ENTIRE days. the outlining specifically took 14 straight hours of work, and the storyboards took 8, and i did them on back to back days. that was sunday and monday, and i was SUPPOSED to take tuesday off to recuperate from that marathon but then i got involved in some MORE work which is why my friend made me promise to take WEDNESDAY off. so i did that and now it’s thursday.

anyway the point is, the epilogue chapters are ready to be written. moving on!

SECOND: FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY

sigh. ok listen. so as u may know if u have followed this blog for a while, i struggled with my DEER MAGIC SYSTEM for a rly long time. this was mostly bcuz i needed a system that i could write good fight choreography around, and i was struggling to write good choreography so i kept fiddling with the system.

PLOT TWIST THE MAGIC SYSTEM WAS NOT THE PROBLEM

granted, while i don’t LOVE that i spent the better part of two years fiddling with the magic system, i am EXTREMELY proud of and happy with the system that i ended up finalizing and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I AM *NOT* CHANGING IT. it’s GOOD. the way it connects to the narrative and the world building and stuff?? mwah, chef’s kiss. the system kicks fucking ass.

but i’m still struggling to write good choreography. WHY

i think the answer is PURPOSE. fights are very cool, but they need to have more PURPOSE to them than just being cool to justify their place in the narrative.

if u look at my horse fics, azure edge and sunlight underground, the purpose of the fights in azure edge was to establish the enormous power of monsters, and the gulf in power between monsters and ponies. this was crucial to setting the tone and making the world, stakes, and conflict all feel real. sunlight’s fights were for the horny. that’s rly all there is to say on the matter lmao.

but your deer friend has less monsters than azure edge and less horny than sunlight underground, so its fights need their own purpose. and specifically they need a purpose for ME, the writer! just writing cool stuff for its own sake isn’t rly my style, i want everything i make to have MEANING.

annnnd i’ll be honest i don’t rly have an answer to this question rn. i have some ideas, i have some theories that i wanna think about, but i still need to give it some thought before i make any decisive claims about it.

that’s the main thing i’m gonna be working on this week. i kinda need that fight choreography done before i do too many more chapter scripts, cuz chapter 8 onward has ALOT OF FIGHTS, and i need those fights to MEAN SOMETHING.

i have time. hopefully by next week i’ll have a long post where i go off about my philosophy regarding fight scenes prepared for everyone to read. for now tho, i got alot of thinking to do!

[incarnateirony]

You need help.. seriously. you might want to check to make sure youre in the clear to keep posting stuff like this also.. people get restraining orders for a lot less than what ive scrolled through and I wouldnt blame your ex for getting one. You could be in violation of it and never knowing it until its too late bro.. not unless you call the county she lives in.... they dont have to serve you to start building a case against you speaking from experience..

No, my ex, who claims to be channeling the god hermes wearing my face and speaking anime octopus jibberish as Divine Revelation while fraudulently charging them and roleplaying as me, who has been stalking me, for three years, and stalked my business investor, for six months, needs help.

She's free to take me to court, because then I can countersue, and have the paperwork ready. And an entire server of witnesses that observed her for six months of her shit. And all my plagiarized material's origins.

Come on bitch try me, pspspspsps, expedite the lawsuit slated for September.

I have the legal fucking defense of borderline insanity from her abuse and the right to fucking self defense while she relentlessly attacks both my life and livelihood for motherfucking YEARS. What's she gonna do, cry to the judge that I countermagiced back her witchcraft? THAT I DREW A LINE IN THE SAND? THAT I'M POSTING ON MY PERSONAL BLOG WITHOUT EVER @'ing HER? THAT HALF THE WORLD IS LAUGHING AT HER, WHICH SHE KNOWS WHY, BUT WON'T ADMIT, AND WHAT, GONNA TELL THE JUDGE TO MAKE THEM STOP TOO?

150 million restraining orders for Shea just cuz she won't stop mindraping me because it's the first time in her life anyone told her No and then didn't bend to her whining or manipulation, and No Means No. I don't need to go anywhere fucking near her, I already have her address because the dumbass signed her shit to me. Literally. Like I have it, but I'm not gonna go there in person, that piece of paper is more useless than her octopus jibberish, and she'd get laughed out of court. I don't NEED to be anywhere near her physically to make this happen, what's not clicking? Like she can be as physically paranoid as she wants, but it's not gonna come as a knock on her door or a letter in the physical mail, not till I sue HER in September if she's still on the planet somehow.

What, that I won't cow to shut up even when she sends whiny bitches like you?

What the fuck.

You can't Legal Whine out of your own grave you dug, Shea. I know you're a pretty fallen upper class princess that thought you could sue the mechanic in a loop for a year, but you're literally sunk here. Your own actions buried you, you're the harasser here and have left multiple copies and chats and everything that are all documented, you went after my investor and bottom line and other margins of profit you intentionally tried to damage, you have literally stolen my work and I can prove it, and you can't even whine about the magical shit, you're the one that makes your whole identity on this, everyone's pikachu facing that I'm talking it on my blog because I keep my practice quiet. There's no winning that suit sweetie, and even if you did, like, you're still signed? It's not gonna stop what's happening? You could literally put me in jail or kill me and not stop this. No really, go ahead, kill me, I'm already inside and have your fat ass working out so I'm not a pig if I take over. You have literally pushed me that far. And are actively choosing to refuse to stop, when given a very simple choice.

The only reason I haven't reported her to KC witchcraft groups for this yet is yes, I realized after a bit of rage, her staying on it keeps her in my thrall, and she can try to justify that one to the judge too if she wants? "I wouldn't stop plagiarizing his magical name, attacking his business or investors, and then he took control of my life until I'm Big Sad." and? Yeah okay. Yeah the judge will DEFINITELY side with the woman I can prove has literally fucking built a cult to me and to attacking me, yeah, okay, save the fucking poor obsessed stalker princess from her own consequences mister judgy, her weird barbiehouse rapeycult of the great god CantMoveTheFuckOn is falling apart and something about Her Feelings.

Take this shit to the judge and try to sue, sweetheart.

Yeah hold on I'm gonna stop talking about how I bent the timeline and pinning down when to grab her by the nose to look at it because she'll try to sue over it. That'll work. A powerful witch, that one, capable of channeling the spirit of Karen to summon My Manager. Listen, the Manager showed up the other night and she didn't like his answer either. Sad really, he put on his best customer service voice to be gentle for her and she's STILL treating HIM like shit, too.

She can't even whine to my JOB. First, you might as well call 911 to report a random 911 operator in a state you don't know, because there's hundreds of agencies for this. Two, they're split mostly atheistic but supportive, or doing the same craft I am. Three, I never mention anything identifying about clients, the most you get is "I talked to a trans guy that likes video games", or things I myself said. Like sis you are SUNK. It'd just be stage ten thousand of Shealyn trying to ride my dick because she can't move on and wants to try to hurt me as bad as she hurt herself when I left. It's the whole reason she's clinging to this, she wanted control, and now I'm not playing her Lets Lawsuit About It game and settling it like the magician she wants to claim to be, and it's not going great for her.

What's happening here is this regressive bitch is starting to understand I'm not playing, the person who walked out the door on her 3 years ago is not who she's been picking a fight with, but STILL not the way she has it all fucked up. She's had every chance to leave me alone and refused, and even this would be her pleading the right to plagiarize to a judge or that a few weeks of me speaking the truth ON MY OWN BLOG is too much to bear after she has hunted me for THREE YEARS, it just literally does not fucking work.

She's reaching the end of her narrative rope. Everyone let her lead out enough to hang herself, and now you're acting like I'll be responsible when she does, rather than the several timelines she's run her noose through while we waited, or reasoned, or even gave her the little narrated walkthrough of where her choices were leading in video games, or whatever, but she won't onboard information she doesn't like in any form. This shit even started with me saying over and over and over that the people in her life needed to get her help, but instead they enabled this. So naw, when she dies, that's still on y'all. I just reached my limit of what I'd tolerate from her.

Bitch scroll back. Chaos theory. Eat my ass. Then try to whine to me about All The Potential Worlds Or Timelines to save your own ass again when you forget we're in and up your ass in every single one until you fix what you fucked up, but only one of us left a real Work at any point in them to use as an anchor. And even when you run outside of that, the Brothers are still there, telling you the same thing. Woman, I have someone who works in a level of government you wouldn't even believe exists who watches my shit, saw you start this in October, and was like, that's at least an 8 on the FOFA, and now they're just watching. Like, yeah, bitch earned it. YOU CAN'T WHINE OUT OF THIS TO ANYBODY.

Here I Am.

Remix by motherfuckin Foolish Glamrock.

No seriously bitch, you can't whine karma you're in the hole and signed to me, you're mine. I keep telling you to unsign and you won't, so now we're here.

You can't cast spells at me, because I used your own verbal evocation and intent in the past of return to sender you tried to make me cast, and I wouldn't, but since you're kindly using my old name, your own intent is also being reversed.

You talked about multiple personas in a hope you could weasel out an answer to Belief in suddenly. I can change mine, but with you signing mine on main, you sure you know how to change yours? Cuz like last I checked that was masterclass occult degree eight or above psychotherapy or "psychodrama" as you call it, and me and your therapist are giving you crayons and Work Books like I give to thirteen year olds I'm trying to save. You're not a Priestess, you're a Follower.

You try to hit me, you only hit yourself. It even got specially reinforced on broadcast too right into the Tartarus subconscious flow. And ew, it's gross.

Walk away from your controller and your altar rots. into acid to reduce you and help the plants thrive in the death your home is becoming while your ph shifts at least 3 points.

Try to enjoy your day and dream of death with me. Wake up to feed Precious and hear me whisper in my fursuit. Try to make a sign and realize it's the red one I told you I put in your head about mercurial infection and reflection.

Try to build a playlist to stick it to me and load it with my theme songs telling you Here I Am. Inside. Somehow now you want to exercise for the first time in your life I've been fucking saying you need to.

[Insert random Norse music, which one of us is Norse? Oh right the one you mistook as Loki when I took your false shadow copy of "Juniper", or Junpei we'll say in this remix. You know, that guy that's Hermes in that Hit Game Discoing On Your Face Strangely Specifically That I'm Using You To Beat With The Focus Of A Million Dungeon Grinding Nerds and All Sportsball Guys.]

Go fiddle with the flower you learned about from me, that one of my works used so intently it changed the material compound of crystals into plastic. The one that will rebirth over and over until you let go of the past. The one that will only "act right" near your dead stag. On your altar, from which you learn to grow plants from me, or more, you can't learn, but my plants will be fine, because the water is acidic now, thanks for coming this Ted Talk, you natural black thumb.

Come on, Starlight. Go black hole already.

All you gotta do is let go of the lies. And me. And him. Truth Serum Available Worldwide, Shay Shay.

Truly, you insufferable whale. Three years of chances, and really more than that if we want to get to the gritty of it. Warned, specifically, you were about to set off something you couldn't take back, and even then you couldn't help yourself. Right into a multiplatform launch of "fuck this bitch, in tartarus, and her little cat too", the gamer musical, now at Superbowl halftime, in Vegas, and with the Win of the Chiefs, we see a new entrance to the Pantheon. Something something playing inside, we're speedrunning before Rebirth hits, the Sephiroth posts were great foreshadowing, woah. Turn on the TV Plankton speedrunning rebirth is attacking the Superbowl. Why is Usher in Tartarus? Atlanta in the house, at Lotus Casino, bitch. Or maybe it's a Jericho Blossom. It's a carnival, and mardis gras, squidward downsmash krabs is real, and we're in Tartarus. And will be for some time, more planes keep hitting, and Tartarus 2 is coming to the newly launched and internally reclaimed Spire Of Order near you! EVERYBODY'S favorite tower. All the kids I'm saving at work are talking about it while you piss on pendants and grift off the dick of your ex husband you have your next one sucking. And you have HIM stuck in so deep HE can't admit the truth so he's just gonna keep deepthroating me and pretending I'm this pissed for no reason, absolute fucking cuck.

To the dumb fuckin' kids. YOU made this, in all its innocent obscenity. A cannibal shrimp fried rice feast to mere SuperBeefBowl Appetite. Screaming like the Cicada hiding underground she's always been in her own hilarious lemony holy water. You made this, in all its innocent obscenity. This is the attention you ordered.

You can't make it go backwards, Shealyn. Even I can't, not really, I can just swing it real, real hard and pull from somewhere else, and that's not the same thing.

Yeah, admit it bitch, you miss that morning Gastric Thunder.

[da-gamingojichan]

hc that the reason germany is pushing italy so hard during training is because he wants Italy to one day be able to lift him up, bridal style, like the princess he is😌✨ he just wants to be held like those ladies in period dramas😔

Welcome to my house. my humble abode. I'm sorry ive put a gun to your head, i promise i dont do this in public. But i think i might kill you right now.

sorry i wrote the above shit when i initially saw this ask while at a red light. i am for real going to kill you though.

anyways as always content warning NO SHADE TO WHATEVER EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IN THEIR HOUSES BUT IN MY HOUSE I WILL TEAR YOU LIMB BY LIMB FOR SPEWING BLASPHEMY IN MY INBOX! NOT. TRUE!

i dont even know where to begin its like every single word of this post goes downhill after "because". THIS SHIT IS SO FUCKING LIES. WHO TOLD YOU THIS? HOW ON EARTH DID YOU COME TO THIS CONCLUSION? germany does NOT WANT ITALYS ASS PICKING HIM UP LIKE A PRINCESS. if anything germany is the type who would get carried and think to himself "i should be the one carrying him rn" because he lives to serve he loves being the one doing heavywork and him BEING the one getting taken care of is nice but also instinctually stressful. he pushes italy to train so italy will stop being such a fucking useless pussy. his words not mine 😍. he pushes italy because ITALY IS THE MOST INCAPABLE INCOMPETIENT WEAKASS MF TO GRACE THIS PLANET AND GERMANY IS HONESTLY BAFFLED THAT HE'S STAYED ALIVE THIS LONG. obviously germany will always be there to protect italy and do whatever he can to help him, but that doesnt mean he wants italy to stay incapable of ever protecting himself if he needs to. bro is the strongest what-if warrior on the planet he always thinks "what-if [worst possible scenario]" so ofc hes like italy you should be able to get your shit together if you have to. he does not yearn nor desire to be held like a lady in a period drama bruh he yearns and desires for italy to learn how to wipe his own ass and tie his own shoes and stop waking him up in the middle of the night to sit next to him while he masturbates because hes scared of the dark. if italy held him ofc he wouldnt mind it ofc hed get flustered being carried bridal style cuz hes pure hearted but he wouldnt be all like oh yes italy my big strong seme TAKE ME! HOLD ME OHHHHH YES MISTER ITALY! like tf? he would be like WHAT THE DEVIL HOW ON EARTH ARE YOU ACOMPLISHING THIS? and then find out italy is wearing the robotic contraption that rigby wore on his arm in that ep when he won arm wrestling against skips.

sorry i beat you to death but this ask is actually insane to me like i am agast by it. once again live your best life on your own blog okay but in my house this is inconceivable. you watched a completely different show than me dude i wish i could see the world through your eyes because maybe then id actually be able to know what the devil looks like.

[area51-escapee]

This is technically a vent but it really ain’t that serious I just need it out of my head lmao

I was getting that reoccurring thought again that I should delete my blogs and delete everything I’ve ever written and give up posting my writing all together forever and then I went to take my birth control and saw what week I was on like OH. That explains that. We’re good everybody ALSJSKDJSJSHSK

It is of course a little depressing to accept the fact that people just aren’t really interested anymore. People have actual responsibilities again since we ain’t all sitting at home. I also just don’t post nearly as often as I used to. I can ramble about my oc’s all day all I want but why is anybody going to care if I can’t update consistently. I think it’s a little more upsetting because that was one of the first times I felt really. Good. At something. I’m okay at a lot of things which is fun in its own way but ultimately I am not good at anything just. Passable. My writing is okay but it could be better. My drawing is okay but I’m often too tired or in too much pain to work on it. I can make some things by hand but they’re all just. Okay. Not good or great or really noteworthy. Just okay.

And sometimes like now it does make me kinda sad. But it usually passes and this too shall pass cuz when I really think about it it’s like. Well that sucks. But that sure ain’t enough to stop me from being obnoxious on main about these fictional little guys AKDJSKSHSKSHSK. Of course I want other people to like my oc’s and find them interesting but also I like my oc’s very much. Maybe too much. I don’t care they make me incredibly happy. I love them like friends. They don’t exist outside of a fictional space and they don’t really do anything but they still bring me a lot of comfort. I wish I had marketable plushies of my blorbos. I love my oc’s. My friends like my oc’s. I absolutely love my friends’ oc’s. In the end that really is enough. There are still some people who have interest in them too and I am so thankful for them and I’m glad they still care about my silly little dudes like I do. I can’t let go of these things just because they don’t draw as much attention as they used to. They still hold all my attention and they still bring me so much joy. I may be a bit abnormal about them and I don’t write or draw as much as I used to and I kind of just talk about the most random things ever when I do post about them but also I’m having fun and that makes me happy and I think I’m okay with that. This week and these feelings will pass and I’ll continue to fixate on them like it’s my fucking job because they make me happy and that’s reason enough to keep going I think.

[totaldramafan-lauri]

A little self-discovery

Heyyyyyyy! It’s....b-been a bit! Truthfully, I....I haven’t been completely OK this week. I’ve been dealing with some stuff, but....I’ve been though worse at the same time, so it’s not a super big deal. But.....I wanted to talk about this, cuz I.....kiiiiinda alluded to it before....? Dunno if anyone saw it, tho, but..y’know.......

I-I still wanted to talk about it....

This is something that no one but me will care about, but....s-screw it, I'm already here, and this might be something I'll mention again in the future, so....here goes....

So....this has to do with....family history and stuff, so if that doesn’t interest you, keep scrolling, nothing to see here.....XD

So, I’ve had to do some CRAZY stuff in order to get over post-Eurovision depression this year. I still dunno why it got SO bad this time, cuz it’s usually not, but....yeah. I was doing pretty much nothing but rewatching Eurovision videos for weeks last month. On top of that, my favorite idol/comfort person has been on hiatus for health reasons, and his fanbase is collectively miserable and missing him horribly, which brought down my mood really badly, making it harder to move on from Eurovision which makes me happy. But....I FINALLY did something that got me over it for the most part.

And that’s that....I, uh....I revisited an old special interest of mine. I’m not sure if I’m getting back into it necessarily, but I’ve been looking at old things and having a nostalgia trip. I was last into this in early 2013 (it was one of the last special interests I was into before Total Drama and me getting this blog), so it’s been a while. And....yes, it does have ties to Eurovision for me. It's how I first discovered Eurovision, which....is a really weird story. KeepinmindI’mAmericansoIHADtolearnthroughaweirdway*cough*

Now, I’m not gonna say what this is, cuz it’s not SUPER important to this topic. It’s just the catalyst for it. This is its own can of worms. And honestly, altho I look back on this thing very well (and I consider it one of the best fandoms I’ve ever been in), I’m also embarrassed by it in the present day. This isn’t something I’d really recommend to people. I’m happy it exists, but I’m worried if it’s.....aged well enough to point new fans toward it, is what I’m saying.

All I’ll say for now is that....it has to do with world history, and leave it at that.

(If anyone is interested in me talking about this, and don’t mind me potentially talking about weird stuff, I AM more than happy to explain. There’s a LOTTA stuff I can talk about, seriously. XD I had a lotta great experiences in that fandom, and could basically talk about it all day if I could. It was one of those fandoms that I had multiple phases of. It basically ruled my life for many years, and it helped me learn certain things about myself that are....still getting mileage today.....and again, it’s the reason I got into Eurovision, which I STILL love today, so....NEED I SAY MORE? It’s very close to my heart. I just don’t wanna talk about it RIGHT NOW cuz it’d lead to a huge tangent.)

Point is.....I’m revisting it. I’m looking at old stuff I saved, and even stuff related to it that I made myself. It feels like I’m 18-21 again......and, through that....I remembered that.....there was something I’d started to do, that I’d stopped when I moved on.

I was.....learning Croatian. In 2013....

And I stopped....

I had a whole list of words I’d learned even, and I- I forgot all about, it-

So, uh...I know that sounded REALLY REALLY RANDOM, so- uh-

The same time I was in this fandom, I was part of a subfandom for this group of OCs I really liked, and- g-gosh, this is going all over the place, pffffff- b-but, these OCs, had to do with the history of Yugoslavia and the countries it became and- I sound so stupid right now- P-point is, it was a really weird coincidence, that this happened, not that long after I learned that I’m one-quarter Croatian!

So......family-related rambling time:

So, I knew that my dad’s side of the family was Greek. And that my paternal great-grandparents (none of which I got to meet) were immigrants. But....I didn’t know everything for the longest time. I knew I was Greek, cuz fun fact my last name is VERY Greek, and we celebrate Greek Easter instead of regular Easter (I’m PRETTY SURE I’ve mentioned this on my blog before?). We also follow a few other Greek traditions, and I was taught a few words. And indeed, SOMEWHERE in my grandparents’ house, we still have my grandpa’s parents’ Ellis Island papers when they came to America from Greece. My grandpa is very much Greek.

But.....what about my grandma? Through my childhood, I thought she was also Greek, she’s always just fit in with the traditions and stuff.....I knew that I was told her maiden name when I was young, but I forgot it....and no, turns out she isn’t Greek. Turns out, as I learned randomly as a teenager....she’s actually Yugoslav. But wait, that country doesn’t exist anymore! It DID exist when her parents left it, but....not anymore. I was briefly curious about what she’d identify as in the modern day, but never asked and promptly forgot for a few years cuz it wasn’t a big deal.

BUT, in 2012-2013, somewhere around that time, in a random conversation with my grandpa and uncle, things finally came together. She was playfully poking fun at Greeks, and my grandpa made a joke about Croatians in response.

And it came together, exactly where she was from, and I could say what every part of me was without using outdated words. I was like....”that’s neat” at first, but I didn’t really dwell on it for a while.

But THEN, this fandom happened again! And it got me interested in world history, and I hyperfixated on this group of popular OCs from it, and.....i-it led me to blogs, and art, all dealing with.....all this history, through the lens of characters I liked, and I realized that I was kinda.....learning about a p-part of myself? And through it, I got....curious about it.....? It seemed so interesting to me all of a sudden.....?

I’m....one-quarter Croatian. Yet, I was raised as if I was half Greek. I....didn’t KNOW anything about Croatia or Yugoslavia. My grandma never taught us anything about her family and how they lived. She just took on the role of my Greek grandma with my Greek grandpa and she was just fine with that. And I am too, don’t get me wrong, cuz I love my Greek side, but.....I’ve ALWAYS known and have been in touch with my Greek side. And, for once, I was like...VERY curious all of a sudden, sparked by fandom of all things, to discover my Croatian side.

Through this RP account I used to follow (RIP Formspring), I got interested in the language. I taught myself the alphabet and a few phrases. I also watched a YouTube documentary on the history Yugoslavia once (dunno if it’s still up) and hooooly crap Croats are badass (there’s no other word to describe that, pfffff). That country has been through a LOT and WON. The fact that I probably have distant relatives over there that fought through all that for their independence REALLY interested me. Ashamed as I was to admit it, I got really into learning about Croatian history, all thanks to this really weird coincidence of discovering I’m part Croatian and then almost immediately after, discovering a Croatian character I liked that talked about his history a lot. All the while, jumping between this and a historical comedy anime. It was probably one of my weirdest summers interest-wise. One day, I’d be looking up art of ships I like, and the next, I’d be learning a new thing about Croatia. A fun fact, or a not-so-fun fact, or a new word or phrase, or something completely random from this blog I followed, pffff....

I was super into learning about this seemingly-random country that I was slightly embarrassed about it, and didn’t really talk a lot about it to others. It would’ve been easy to say “my grandma’s from there”, but I dunno, part of me didn’t feel like that was a good enough excuse to admit I’d watched war documentaries. Guess I felt....guilty, so I hid it.

And then.....I stopped.

I got into new interests. It happens. I couldn’t stay fixated forever. The fact that it was a short Kirby’s Return To Dreamland phase, and then Total Drama of all things happening, that led me away is kinda funny to think about......but, eh, with how problematic my old fandom....could PROBABLY be viewed as, I guess I’m happy I avoided having a Tumblr while I was an active fan? Again, it was probably the best fandom I’d ever been in, but.....y’know, with time, things could’ve gotten uglier if I was actively gushing over it, so it kinda does feel like I dodged a bullet. I could easily see myself pissing off a hatedom.

But.....here I am again. I came back. Not to the fandom as a whole, but just feeling nostalgic and looking back at old stuff. And lo and behold, I remembered my old project eventually. I kinda felt bad that I stopped for dumb reasons, but then again, I started for dumb reasons too......

I still remember the alphabet, and a few words. Part of me still wants to learn how to speak in...even small sentences at one point. Not enough to wanna take lessons, but...step-by-step by myself. It’s a “what if” situation. Maybe I never will be able to speak it, but one can dream.

So....yup, that’s what I’ve been up to this past month or so. I’m not watching war documentaries this time, thank god (seriously, 21-year-old me went to the darkest places first, huh >__> Dang history fixation), but I’ve been looking up videos on several locations in Croatia, for one. Gorgeous place. If I could, I’d try to go there, but social anxiety makes it REALLY HARD to bring it up to my family, especially when I’ve NEVER brought it up before. But even in videos, I am immersed when I look at it. It’s my dream vacation (well, one of them). Split is one of the prettiest places I’ve seen in my life. Which, again, I did NOT expect. I’ve heard multiple people talk about the prettiest countries in the world, but did anyone mention Croatia? Nooooo! But it’s a very touristy country for Europe, it’s just that Americans don’t talk about it. Hmph! >__> Not only that, but.....Croatian music. SO much music. SO MUCH. I’m mainly using music as a way to learn new words, and....I got hooked. It’s REALLY WEIRD to say that the music I’ve been listening to has been one-third Eurovision, one-third K-pop, and one-third random Croatian songs from playlists I found on YouTube.

It’s been....a LOTTA Eurodance, actually. I didn’t search for any specific genre of music, I just looked up “hrvatske pjesme”, found a playlist, and it was mostly Eurodance, which I did NOT expect! From the kinda songs Croatia sent to Eurovision, I didn’t really associate them with dance music, but....turns out, they’re REALLY GOOD at dance music? Who would’a guessed.....Seriously, I’m tempted to queue up some of the best songs I’ve been listening to to prove this. I might still do that....

(This doesn’t mean I’m gonna be developing a bias when it comes to Eurovision, tho. I’m still unbiased at heart =P I’ll be happy to have a good song, but if it’s mid, I’ll still say it’s mid. If anything, I might be HARSHER since I know how good their music can be now. And I’m not gonna hold back if 2022 happens again, Hrvatska. Oprostite. =P)

(D-don’t get me wrong, I’m not MAD that they don’t send the stuff I’ve been listening to to Eurovision, cuz.....well, it’s junk food. It’s not for everyone, especially here in the 2020s. XD Going the Balkan route makes more sense. Even this year, when they were taking the piss...still, that song was clever and had a message, which is more substance than Eurodance has, pfffff)

To think that this was all sparked by a fandom....that THAT’S what it took for me to fixate on learning this part of myself. But it’s true. It’s....e-embarrassing, yes. And it really only is one quarter of myself. I really could’ve went the rest of my life without doing any of this. But....my brain works in weird ways. And my interests can be super unpredictable. That’s a fandom that, again, I might talk about another time, but.....it really is super important to me for multiple reasons, and this is one of them - leading me to learning about my grandma’s country and its culture and history.

Why am I sharing all this? Cuz.....for one, I might be following this up with sharing Croatian songs on here in the future, or referencing E.T (Electro Team) or Colonia next Eurovision season, or even something else might pop up. It might seem super random, cuz, again, I’m American.....so I wanna explain where it came from. And also, cuz this started before I joined Tumblr, I...never got to talk about this weird interest of mine before. So...it feels good to finally get it out.

Again, it’s only a quarter of myself, but it’s something that makes me unique, and I’m still happy discovering it.

[sonic-thoughts]

I think its funny how people be like curate your own tumblr experience and then get upset when you do JUST that??! Theyre lile how dare you not see the thing I like just cuz you dont and I'm like cuz I can and I dont like that and dont wanna see it, its not hurting anybody except you for some reason. That is the reason why you can block tags and block blogs in general to stop seeing things you dont want this includes the obvious like harassment and extreme things for blocking blogs but I can also just block a blog if I just dont like the things they post and would much rather not have to see it everytime I go into certain tags and let me tell you thats made my life infinitely better. For example there are quite a few blogs actually that love sonelise and constantly post about it. Now if you like sonelise you do you boo idc what you ship but I truly do not like that ship at all so yes I have those accounts blocked as well as the sonelise tag cuz I for one dont wanna go on the sonic tag and see anything related to that ship. So now when I go on the sonic tag I can just enjoy scrolling vs getting annoyed at seeing things I rather would not.

[risefromhell]

Speaking about post limits it's the reason why I got into a habit of using the queue in the first place

I remember back in the day when you hit the post limit a lot people would of course get annoyed they would have their secondary blog so they can keep posting

But we also had found a loophole using the queue that it had its own separate post limit so we would just Spam up the queue and try to trick it into posting a lot to keep posting past our limits and say Fuck you you can't stop me from blogging

It's really funny because my post limit breaking was definitely not on reblogs I barely reblogged (by %) it really was me just existing and now I don't know how to do that anymore

I need to change this. looking back hurts cuz that's what I want to be and I'm not there anymore