#i have to keep Going Places which is like. physically taxing for me. because i'm still sick. i'm better but like only 1/4th better -_-

[queerprayers]

I’m unemployed dropped out of school before I reached high school and am unbaptised. Does God care about someone like that

Welcome, beloved, to the blog of a high school dropout who walks dogs (but has never actually been employed anywhere), and was baptized as a baby and so did not have any choice in the matter! God cares about both of us, and has given us ways to serve Them in our own lives, as we are now.

Your employment status can obviously matter quite a bit in terms of survival, because of the world we live in, but itself has no bearing on your relationship with God. Whatever the reason you don't have a job, you have a life worthy of care, from those around you and from God. Being employed has never been a Christian focus--devoting your life to God has. Capitalism has changed so much, but please know that the ways the system (and those misled by it) shames you do not reflect the will of God. No human system can decide your worth.

Your level of education, similarly, doesn't say anything about you that God cares about. I dropped out of school for health reasons--whatever yours are, even if you don't feel they're good, whatever! High school was invented like 200 years ago, and has nothing to do with God's care for you. Education is holy--reading, talking to different kinds of people, learning about history and the natural world, thinking about God. This knowledge is in schools but it's also everywhere else. I'm not telling everyone reading this to drop out of high school, but I am saying that there are so many beautiful paths without it. I would also point out that in many places, there is support for people who left schooling early--my city, for instance, has free GED (high school equivalency diploma) programs. If that's something you want to change (of your own volition, not because God will care about you any differently), it's very possible that you can.

Baptism is the most easily changed thing on this list, if you seek it. Most churches require some discussion beforehand, maybe a class to learn about the denomination, but there aren't huge barriers (and there is no test of worthiness). If it's not in your future, for whatever reason, I can still tell you God cares about you, fully, as you are. Baptism is lots of things for lots of people--a symbol, a physical manifestation of grace, a welcoming into a Christian community, a sealing of a covenant--but it has never been the first moment of care from God. That has already passed--it was the first moment you existed. To say you need to be baptized for God to care about you is to say that God doesn't care about anyone from any other religion, or about those who die before baptism--what a sad life that would be. What a limiting belief.

I don't know you, but I have faith you treat others well. I have faith you wouldn't tell me God didn't care about me because of my job or schooling. So don't do that to yourself. I hate to break it to you, but you have no say in the matter. It doesn't matter how worthy you are, or how much you're succeeding by our current society's standards. God is love, a love which keeps no record of wrongs, a love which does not weigh with the measures of this world, a love which cannot be contained in the rituals of an institutional church, a love which does not require knowledge or action or belief to surround us. We are saved by this love, not by a diploma or paycheck or a pastor's words.

Go in peace, beloved. Glorify God with your life, not with someone else's. And anyone who tells you that there are limits on God's care is not talking about the God of the Bible--who works through the underdog, who turns any idea of worthiness on its head, who picks the younger son and the tax collector, the unwed mother and the poor father. God comes to where we are, and takes us by the hand.

<3 Johanna

[chaoticreation]

10/29/23

This area is a death sentence without transportation. I'm running out of food, I can't get my prescriptions, can't flee in an emergency, and me and Syd have been freezing for like, a month, aside from the past two days because it's been surprisingly warm out for October. But November is around the corner, and it's gonna get cold. Fast.

I don't have the funds to repair my van, or the furnace.

Eventually, I'm gonna go homeless if the taxes aren't paid, but the van and furnace are extremely pressing matters right now.

If you can afford to donate, I'd appreciate anything you can spare. If you can't, that's okay. You can still help by sharing this campaign! Please don't donate if you can't afford to, but please SHARE no matter what!

OUR SURVIVAL DEPENDS ON IT. YES, I AM BEGGING. I'M TERRIFIED.

Gfm requires at least $5 donation, so if you can't swing that, you can send less to:

ven.mo: https://account.venmo.com/u/rroche90 pay.pal: roryjroche@outlook.com

Edit, 11/7/23: And we also don't have hot water now either. When the plumber came to give me an estimate on the furnace, he found that the hot water heater had a bad leak, so that was turned off to reduce damage.

Edit, 11/12/23: Septic problems now, too. Sinks are backing up. Woo! Still no heat, btw. It's been a month without heat and it's getting colder. Friend bought Syd a bigger hospital cage, but it hasn't arrived yet, so poor girl has to continue to suffer. Still no transportation, either. HEAP has said they'll pay half the furnace bill if I'm on the deed, which I can't and won't do until the taxes are paid off. I'm not about to inherit that debt.

@sydthetiel is being kept in a tiny hospital cage in my office with a space heater. Not ideal, but it's keeping her warm at least.

We're really not okay.

Edit, 11/16/23: Still no heat or hot water. Plumber isn't even actually getting back to us lmao. Mechanic got back to us, though, and they've found that the brake lines are rusted and need to be replaced. They want an extra $3500 for that. So it'd be roughly $6,000 to get my van repaired. Or I can just fix what I can fix at $2,000 and take my chances with rusted brake lines, and be an accident waiting to happen because I'm desperate to not be trapped in a freezing house with no meds or food or water lmao. Or I just don't get to have transportation back. Or I have to buy a new used vehicle, for like, $15,000+. So... mostly there's just no hope left for me. I'm ready to just give up. It's too much to fix, and my odds of survival are at 0 anyway. I won't last the winter here, and I can't even leave.

Edit, 11/22/23: That plumber ghosted us. We got a new plumber. He came out yesterday and got the furnace rigged to work, just in time. As he pulled into the driveway, it started sleeting and snowing. Throughout the night. The problem is, the furnace isn't fixed, so it could crap out at any moment. The water heater is off, but still leaking, so it's time sensitive to have it replaced. But he's pointed out another problem with that; Rex's hoarding. We need to be able to get rid of enough of her crap to get the equipment in and out. He can do it, but it's gonna cost. Additionally, the chimney isn't in great shape so we have to do something about that, or it's going to defeat the purpose of these replacements. Waiting for the quotes on everything.

As for my van, it's ready to be picked up, without the brake lines being finished. We found a new place that said they'd charge between $700-$1000 to replace the brake lines. A lot better than $3,500, but still not money I have. So until I can do that, it's a risk driving it, but I really don't have a choice. I can't stay living like this, trapped in the middle of nowhere. It's defeating me mentally and physically. But there's another problem too, that won't be covered under warranty. A knock sensor. No idea how much it'll cost yet, but it needs to be replaced in order for the van to pass inspection in December.

I'm feeling incredibly hopeless. I can't even run, because I have Syd, and I'm not going to abandon her. She's my kiddo. She's in a bigger cage now, happily. But I'm at such a loss of what to do. We're not going to survive the winter here without these repairs, and fleeing is going to be really difficult, and I may not have a home to come back to in Spring if I did manage to leave for the winter with Syd.

[goron-king-darunia]

Annon-Guy: Everything okay?

Yeah, I'm doing pretty good. Catching up on Tumblr is really difficult though. Every time I take a break to do anything there are like 30000 posts to look at. I might just have to contend with the fact that there's no catching up. Internet FOMO. My brain keeps going "Well what if someone made a really funny post while I was away?!" And like... If it was really that funny it would come back around.

I still have no idea where that ask I answered went and I'm too burnt out still to try to retype it.

I am still cranking out fanfic and I am enjoying the 1.6 update of Stardew Valley though. And I made a yummy pasta dinner yesterday.

So overall I'm just... Tumblr exhausted. Everyone makes too many good posts all the time and the need/desire to tag all of them appropriately is massively kneecapping my ability to interact. Couple that with my IRL responsibilities of taking care of my Mom and handling my own adult life just means I spend my limited free time on meatspace tasks like knitting/crocheting and embroidery or on actually gaming or writing instead of my old routine which was... scrolling tumblr until I caught up for the day, usually dumping more than half of the posts in my drafts for future me, and then using whatever free time I have left to write or game. So I'm okay. But I think I'm honestly just... not going to be able to be available on Tumblr indefinitely. This legitimately might have to just be a hobby place now where I pop in to check up on friends, post notable things like finished projects, and then just dip out and ignore most posts. there's simply not enough time in my life to engage with all the fun things I want to.

But even though I'm a bit burnt out, I'm happy. I get to eat better food now that I cook more, I get to make more cool things now that I knit and crochet and embroider more. I get to handle more of my life which is honestly needlessly complicated (I will rage against taxes being obtuse on purpose forever), but it means I have more control over what happens which isn't much, but it helps me feel like a functional adult instead of a leaf in a stream. And I still have time for fun stuff. That fun stuff just... isn't on Tumblr so much.

All my fruitless efforts to "catch up" on here have done is just give me more drafts to dig through than I can manage and kept me away from doing more of the things I love.

So I'm going to try to do more targeted things on here. Post more original content, reblog a bit less, give up on catching up, and just try to give whatever energy I have on here to specific friends.

Feel free to keep sending me DotNW stuff. I almost always have energy for that. But I don't think I have the time and energy in me to go over a bunch of new things.

Physically I'm drained, mentally I'm fried. But it's okay. I think that I just have to let go and deal with the fact that having to step up and be an adult means I have to choose what's really important to me. And scrolling through memes on Tumblr is fun. But it's not fulfilling. I don't really want to spend 6 hours every day just catching up on what everyone else is sharing and then another 10 hours some other day scrolling through stuff I saved for later because I was too tired to read it the first time.

I want to spend more time creating my own things.

So I think from now on I'm just going to be extra picky about what I engage with on Tumblr, especially because engaging with stuff on here with only half my brain because I'm exhausted means I can only give half the attention to things that they deserve. I will try to post more of my own things so you know I'm still around and I will try to answer more often. But I think including Tumblr in my routine is no longer a sustainable thing.

It's like trying to live at a themepark. There's a lot of good stuff here, but very little of it helps me be the person I want to be. I don't want to just consume other people's content. I want to make stuff.

So I'll be around. But I think I'm going to start making really hard decisions about what I can and can't give attention to.

That said, seeing you build your own little community by hosting polls and engaging with other fandom blogs is really nice. I'm glad you're able to reach out and connect with so many new people. Tumblr is really great for that. I'm happy to be your DotNW contact, but I think I may have to trim down my engagement on Tumblr to just that. DotNW, maybe some legend of Zelda, maybe some cat memes and positivity. I'm going to trim away a lot of political stuff first and foremost because I'm pretty bad with that and I'm going to try to limit my meme engagement and long posts and see how that does. And if I need to trim down even more, then I will. But from now on, I think I just have to be decisive.

And I've decided the best use of my time is much less Tumblr.

I'll still be around, but it's definitely going to be sporadic. Doesn't mean we're not friends. Just means I'll get to all the fun things you want to share in a much longer timeframe.

I hope you are well, too. I think this is just one of those things where I have to completely transform my life. It's not bad. It's just different. I'm still doing all the things I love. I'm just putting more effort into the things that I love more.

Sorry for the long post. I think this is as "back" on Tumblr as I can be.

Thank you for loving me and sharing your joy of gaming with me! Even if I can't be on Tumblr as much, I will try to make space for you in my life!

[dollsonmain]

I did not sleep at all last night. I even went and laid down in the guest room after That Guy got up where I usually pass right out but I didn't sleep in there, either.

I feel like All the Shit.

Long morning ramble.

Sleeping in a night cap is annoying but it's keeping my ends from being fried for longer. My hair's texture was already chef's kiss, now it's double chef's kiss.

-

That Guy said that he has to run the car tax payment to town on his way home from work today but DO NOT try to walk home if he's not there when I get off work because it's going to be nearly 100F and wait for him to pick me up.

He also said he'll have to start looking for another car, which should have been done a very, very long time ago because I could have been working as soon as Son expressed and demonstrated that I wasn't needed by him anymore. Don't take that the wrong way, I don't mean he said "I don't need you." he said things like he'd like to go to the bus stop by himself and has shown that he can be trusted on his own, etc.

I did intend to get my own car (or a truck), but if he buys one and doesn't expect me to pay for it (though he may expect me to pay for it) that lets me put more into savings for later.

I think That Guy is suddenly aware of how difficult he's made it for me to work all this time, which is interesting because I really did think he did it on purpose and then was blaming me.

He was saying that to drop me off and pick me up at the mail room job he'd only be able to work 4 hours a day. Granted he'd earn more in that four hours than I will in 12 hours even with this moderately big pay rate. And I was like yes, that's why I'd been limiting my job search to positions on your normal route (as he'd demanded), but this job pays much more per hour than any of the others I can do locally and I have experience which makes it more likely I'd get in, so it's worth the extra time and effort in my opinion.

$19.23/hr is THE highest income I've seen locally for almost ANY job, actually... There was one federal job that requires a TS clearance that pays like $65/hr, most are paying around $15 with some management positions offering $17 - $24. The gas station I'm at is actually one of the lowest at $10 though there are some places offering $8.50. Because they can.

He did say he'd thought it was a federal mail position and I'd get the Big Bennies and retirement but I'd just be an employee of Goodwill so not get the USPS packet. I'm not the only one that's been confused by how the job was listed.

The actually bennies:

50% Company-paid Health Insurance After 30 days of employment and begins the first day of the first month after employees’ first 30 days.

Company-paid Life Insurance

Company-paid Long-Term Disability (LTD) and Accidental Death and Dismemberment (AD&D) insurance

Dental Insurance – Guardian Dental

Vision Insurance – Davis Vision

Supplemental Insurances – Colonial Life and Legal Shield

401(k) – The company matches up to 4% of salary and is available for enrollment after six months of employment.

Employee Assistance Program (EAP)

Resource Assistance Program (RAP)

Direct Deposit

Vacation Leave – Twelve days of vacation available after 3 months of employment.

Sick Leave – 6 days that can be used after 30 days of employment.

Personal Days – 3 days that can be used starting on your first day.

Holiday Pay – 8 paid holidays after 30 days of employment.

That's not as good as federal, but is pretty good.

-

It's like he's only just now understanding what telling me to get insurance, which meant getting a job because he won't let the insurance companies look at his finances to prove that I can afford insurance and won't sell a policy to someone with less than $1k in the bank and no income, MEANS.

It means me being even more physically exhausted, in more pain, chores not getting done, falling asleep at the dinner table while eating....

He really did not expect me to throw myself out into the world like i have, and does not seem to have understood just how much of an inconvenience me working would be for him.

Like, he was crunching the numbers because he doesn't want to be thrown into a higher tax bracket even if it means more money coming in overall, but I think I'd be filing separately anyway so I can get back as much as possible without it being on a check in his name.

I wonder if the mail room folks get any sort of tax preparation deals since we're working IN an IRS office... Wouldn't that be nice to be able to say "It's my turn" and go sit down with an IRS prepper and do your taxes in person to be sure they're very correct?

So, I think I mentioned already the hours are 6:30-3 which is kind of nice as I do like getting my day over with early and I'd still be getting up at 3:30 with That Guy anyway so it's not like I'd have to change my sleep schedule at all.

The lady on the phone also cleared up some confusion for me about why the job listing said Goodwill, then IRS, and talking about custodial jobs????

So, I'd be an employee of Goodwill, and Goodwill contracts out those employees to other places, specifically the local Goodwill contracts out to federal and military establishments (the IRS building is on a small National Guard base so I do have to go through a checkpoint and get the car searched which is annoying and I hope I don't have to do that EVERY day, like I hope I get an ID card I just scan and can get in or something...) and their contract has been running so long with this IRS branch that Goodwill's sign is on the building.

The custodial job mention was them pointing anyone that IS severely disabled toward that job instead of the mail room position because the custodial job is slow paced which makes it suitable for people with developmental delays who may need more time to complete a task. But the whole job listing was a mess.

I do need to ask when the next bid is, because I could get hired on, the contract be rebid, and Goodwill lose which would leave me with no work until another contract was picked up, or could also mean a pay cut if they have to undercut another contractor to get the lowest bid and it's good to know what to expect.

She also said that some of the small mail crew, which is about 5 people (to me that is a lot because I'm used to being alone in the mail room) bring in knitting or crochet projects because it's slow now and then. That's generally when I would pick up a broom or a bottle of cleanser but I wouldn't mind crocheting at work :P

Also need to ask about lunch because the work day is exactly 8 hours so unless lunch is paid, I'd not be getting paid for 8 hours of work every day.

-

Anyway I've been feeling the guilt about maybe jumping jobs so soon (my start date would likely be mid August if not a little later), but I also helped find a vendor for something the gas station needed and that helps two people [who aren't me make more money... hm....] so I guess I don't feel too bad.

Manager asked me if I bake because people have been asking for fresh baked goods and I said no, I hate cooking and you can't make me do it, BUT I know that one of Son's classmates' moms bakes and is selling things through the local 7-11 so I'll ask if they'd be interested and they are. They should get in contact with the gas station any day now.

My suggestion is that the baker take some samples to the gas station and go talk to Manager in person, but I'm not the one running the business.

[al-chemystic]

vent

is this something? is this anything? am i the fucking stupid one? a real bleeding heart, too young and inexperienced and stupid to know that i was supposed to let society beat the hope out of me already like a "rational, logical person?"

i gave up halfway throughout this text. i don't think i have the energy to finish it. i don't think i can be normal with him until i feel seen and heard. i don't think i can feel seen and heard until i finish and send this text. you're going to see me get frustrated at that paradox. i am not trying to pass this off as a complete and coherent statement, but i need to find somebody who understands what i'm getting at so i don't feel fucking crazy.

hey man, i have some things i can't get off my mind.

i don't try to have these discussions with you to start fights or try to make you believe exactly the same things i do. i do it because as someone who has grown up in and directly experienced ableism my entire life, there are a lot of basic, "societal principals" that i can now recognize are rooted in ableism.

first is the idea that human worth is intrinsically tied to the amount of labor one can perform. this is the driving idea behind not wanting to give livable funds to people who cannot maintain that themselves. arguments are made along the lines of "if nobody is doing labor and keeping our society going, it will fall apart." this causes a mass societal inference that anyone who cannot work is not essential to society (society and capitalism are inseparable to most). if you don't think someone is essential for society, you won't care if they have food, water, or shelter, especially not with all the caring you're doing for your own situation. it's so bad that in some circles, ideas like this are stated just as explicitly as i have said them: if you don't work you don't deserve money. you can't survive on your own without money.

that sustainability argument treats the situation as if we're asking for the cessation of all labor, for the government to hand everyone infinite money, and to spawn products out of thin air. at best, this is a thoughtless overcorrection of the problem, and at worst, a purposeful attempt to shut down any questioning of how the lower class is treated in this country by inflating the outcome as something nobody wants. it's important to remember that nobody is asking for that; that is clearly unsustainable.

while the unsustainability argument is a frontline tactic used to stop the asking of questions, the idea that labor = worth is what keeps the answers to the questions that do get through palatable to our capitalist society.

when people are kept in stress, they will get exhausted over time and jaded and nihilistic-- something you clearly recognize. the easiest way to do this is to keep people in financial stress. it is actively happening to you. you are worried about tax increases and not being able to afford to get the house you want. that's not a naturally occurring process.

society is manufactured. it was set up to put you in this situation. when you say things like "that's just how the world is," what you're actually saying is "that's just how the world started, and we're in too deep now to do anything about it."

because it's not like putting water on a grease fire. the way of society is not an unobjectionable fact of the universe based on how the physical world interacts. this is "just how the world is" because humans made it this way. so if humans designed it full of struggle, and if we are on this earth purely as an accident of nature and there is no universal meaning of life, then there is absolutely nothing else that matters more than making the world a better place. there simply is no higher purpose to wait through the struggling for. another prominent function of religion is distracting people during their lifetime so they feel like they're not suffering for no reason, which keeps them from asking for the suffering to stop.

what you're worried about isn't a hurricane that nobody caused and nobody can stop. you're afraid of an indirect threat. you already lose so much to taxes that all they have to do now is threaten to make you lose more, and you (the general "you") will pick the option or belief system that they did not correlate with you losing money. it's manufactured struggle, and it can be stopped.

so running it back, an argument might be

"we can't expand state income accessibility because then nobody will work and society will collapse." there's a silent "as we know it" hidden in there that nobody ever says, because the idea that society can be any different than what we made it has to be stamped out for rich lobbyists to maintain power.

society as we know it will undoubtedly change. again.. look around at all the manufactured financial stress. it has to change.

that quoted argument can only be said without cognitive dissonaance from someone who holds these beliefs:

- capitalist society is the only good society (this keeps lobbyists in power)

- your work is tied to your labor ability (thinking anything else puts you in a position to question capitalism, which threatens current powers. this also takes advantage of peoples' sense of purpose; they have to work themselves ragged to stay afloat, but at least they feel like they're contributing to the society that's hurting them. the idea that anyone isn't working 40+hrs a week and might be able to eat dinner in a house despite that fact immediately sets them on fire, by design, because they have to kill themselves to achieve that)

- increasing aid for others means that the government has to take something from me (while they keep you in such a bad position that you can't afford to lose anything else, instead of a proper distribution of billionaire lobbyists' wealth that could end homelessness in America)

- i dont know ive been writing for two hours and i want to throw up here's my other notes from even earlier:

it's amazing that you can point out why people are suffering and they still will not forsake the systems that keep them in suffering.

you recognize that our government keeps us in stress over our stability on purpose, to keep us distracted. you recognize that the two-party system is the definition of divide and conquer, and is another distraction that's also designed to pit people against each other. it actually blows my mind how you can hold both of those ideas in your head and then turn around and say "anymore i just have to do what makes my life easier for me." without realizing that the decisions you're making-- or not making-- to achieve or maintain that ease steps on other people.

okay, voting for trump will lower your taxes since you're better off than the average american. awesome. do you know what a second trump presidency will do to everyone else? to disabled people? to queer people, of which you are? to people of color? to women? to children?

nobody is saying your vote will fix everything overnight. nobody is saying your voice will make an immediate change in your surrounding community and drop a house in a struggling person's hands.

but choosing to favor policies that benefits you at the cost of others is ACTIVELY DECIDING to endanger other communities because god damn you just want that tax break. a tax break you need because you're fed up with taxes that are increasing "due to inflation." you mean... the manufactured inflation designed to keep you under stress so that you're too tired to care about others?

so it's okay for YOU to get tired? you're allowed to decide that nothing's changing so it's time to stop fighting, but GOD FORBID a homeless person experience that same emotional plight because then they're "doing it to themselves."

NEW NOTES:

i don't think you're wrong for being tired. i don't think you're wrong for wanting your own happiness and your own comfort. i think you're wrong for being unable to apply that to other people.

if the only people fighting for the relief and-- god forbid-- the COMFORT of disabled people are the disabled people, and YOU AS AN ABLE BODIED PERSON CANNOT STOP YOURSELF FROM GETTING BURNT OUT FIGHTING A SYSTEM THAT WON'T CHANGE, HOW THE HELL CAN YOU SIT THERE AND SAY THAT THE DISABLED PEOPLE WHO EXPERIENCE THE SAME BURN OUT IN TRYING TO GET OUT OF HOMELESSNES ARE JUST LAZY AND COMPLACENT. YOU'RE LITERALLY SAYING HEY KID GO FIGHT YOUR OWN BATTLES TO SOMEONE WHO'S 4'2" WHEN THEIR OPPONENT IS 6'4". YOU SEE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HITTING A DISABLED CHILD AND HITTING A REGULAR CHILD BUT WHEN IT COMES TO FIGHTING FOR RIGHTS YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND PRETEND WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO IT ALL ALONE? YOUR VIEW OF DISABLED COMPETENCE IS COMPLETELY DEPENDENT ON WHAT SERVES YOU BEST, YET WHEN A DISABLED PERSON EXPERIENCES AMBIVALENT ABILITY, THEY'RE FAKING IT?

"oh if my grandpa didn't spank me id be a horrible person today" you were verbally abused. you acted out as a kid because your life sucked and your needs weren't met. people train dogs with more care for their basic needs than they raise a child. if a child is acting out they're missing a need.

the belief that those who achieve any level of relief to their suffering will get greedy and "always want more" is the exact thing they said to stop people of color from getting rights. to stop women from getting rights. to stop gay people from getting rights. to stop trans people from getting rights. and it's used to stop disabled people from getting rights. how is that last one different and acceptable? (it's not)

you're saying things that don't align with my core values, and then acting like if someone decides to step away from a relationship for those reasons that it's not right and they must've never really cared to begin with. you're asking people to sacrifice their belief systems for you. i can already hear you arguing that i'm doing the same, but i'm not demanding that you change your mind nor am i demanding that you sacrifice standing up for what you believe just to stay friends with me. if i believed murder wasn't wrong and that belief caused you to want to distance yourself from me, you would not be a bad person for choosing not to invest your time and energy into someone who believes something that so vehemently opposes your own core values (murder is wrong). i believe hitting a child is wrong regardless. i believe disabled people aren't just lazy. i believe all life has intrinsic value just by the sheer irrefutable fact that it is alive on this planet. you do not share these four beliefs whose opposing ideas-- which you do hold-- directly affect my life negatively. i don't have anybody in my immediate life who does agree with me and understand where i'm coming from. i don't get to choose my family. i get to choose my friends. it would not be wrong for me to decide against subjecting myself to people who hold the same ideas that beat me down everyday.

"just get over it you have to find your own happiness you don't have to justify yourself to anyone blah blah blah. buuuuut also justify yourself to a govt who doesn't care how you can't maintain a job and do it more frequently than you already do because people are abusing the system already so we have to restrict it more. thanks!"

how can you recognize that the generation that thinks the younger generations are all lazy and entitled are falling victim to the same "WELL WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T DO IT; I DID IT AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT BUT I HAD TO. NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING LAZY; YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO WORK ENOUGH TO AFFORD A HOUSE." no, houses are getting more expensive and the disparity between income and cost of living has increased exponentially. it's plain harder, and people are tired.

then all those tired people see disabled people who can't even struggle through a job the same way able bodied people are, and they look behind them at all the boomers calling them lazy, and they go "I'M lazy? well at least i'm doing it; those people do NOTHING and get money for it!!!!!" it's manufactured hatred over manufactured struggle.

i don't know if i can keep subjecting myself to the harsh reality that nobody fucking cares about disabled people and nobody ever will just for the sake of keeping one friend who i don't get to be real with. it's not like i can just end this and go find anyone and they'll probably agree with me. this hatred is baked into everyone; even disabled people. they're just the most likely candidates for breaking free from it.

if the only people in my life are people who keep proving to me nobody cares about my comfort and wellbeing, what's the point of having them?

[stepffan]

^ some thoughts off of this post-SCI interview with Shoma (translated w/ DeepL in the img above)

this is gonna be really long so i'm putting it under a cut i just need to get it off my chest so i can study for my fucking midterm tomorrow

I know he's talked about this a few times now, the not trying to show more in competition than what he does in practices, but I'm so curious how this approach is going to affect the development of his programs through the season. I'm a new fan (circa Beijing Olys) so have never followed a season from the beginning before, so please take this with a grain of salt -- perhaps this is how he has always performed in his first competition of the season compared to the summer shows.

But in SCI 2022 Shoma just seemed to embody a totally different energy than before -- he was a little bit off on the timing in both the short and the free -- the short was off from the beginning, while for the free I THINK Shoma fell behind at the beginning of tormenta, but then caught up. I think he's taking the time to think and be present in his performances, which is ... going to mean some coarser performances in the beginning, but this more "relaxed" approach is probably better for his actual growth, and I think by January we could be seeing one of Shoma's best seasons yet. It's just really exciting to me that he seems to be getting more comfortable with himself, more self-aware than ever, and that presence shows when he's on the ice now.

I've talked before about how beautiful I find the unconscious and self-negating qualities of his past performances. Truly, no one at his level skates like that. It's insane, it's like witnessing ego death to watch his old programs. To put it in a less flattering way, I am astounded at how he managed to get that good while being that dumb. Like, that is definitely a form of genius on its own lmao

Anyway, the only thing that could supercede that for me, is to witness that same skater, who has refined his performance and technique to such a high level in that unconscious, precocious state, finally start coming into his own and learning how to embody himself in his skating. Because what he's bringing to the table is totally different from skaters who've had that sense of presence and identity from the beginning, and consequently developed their skating with that concurrent presence of mind, because there's a differential between what they want to show, and what they can show (due to limited experience, technical ability). If the growth of their self-consciousness outpaces the growth of their skating, then that unevenness shows in their performance, and ends up informing the growth of their skating in significant ways. Whereas for Shoma, his timeline is totally reversed and jumbled. "It's really fun to come to this self-awareness, that I keep improving day by day," he says, a 24-year old skating uncle. It's so rare to see this process of discovery occur in someone who's already so skilled. He does not have to wait for his technique and performance to catch up, or worry about his skills frustrating his ability for self-expression, because they're already firmly in place. He has every tool at his disposal to enable his self-expression and take control of his art.

The on/off switch between Shoma's performance and his off-ice persona is already becoming less apparent to me, because he is starting to carry himself in his performances (and also becoming more well-adjusted as a person off-ice, IMO). Both Shoma's programs this season involve slower, more prolonged movements that are easier for judges/viewers to scrutinize than more choreographically fast-paced programs (in more energetic programs, a skater can sacrifice a certain degree of precision as long as they have rhythm and ~*~*vibes*~*~, a la Nathan. And that's not necessarily a critique; it's understandable & expected for a skater dancing for their life out there, on top of performing physically taxing jumps, to get a bit sloppy with their gestures). They require that high level of refinement. But on the other hand, Shoma has demonstrated that he can execute that level of precision, and these programs give him the opportunity to demonstrate it -- his refinement, musicality, and all his other strengths as a seasoned, veteran skater. More importantly, he seems really engaged with the process, really present and really excited about being present lmao. I think we will get to see a whole different type of skating from him, and this could really be his best season to date, guys ;u;

[arcane-sync]

I'm just... not in a good way. Kind of in a very bad way, actually.

Still dragging my way through school. Which is fine at this point. No new struggles there. Just... several house problems have come up as well, and my husband has done fuck all to address them. I am moderately germaphobic, so it is very literally difficult to do certain tasks. Yet I find myself doing the litter, cleaning the dishes, and hell, even some plumbing. The sinks have been draining slowly, and cleaning the drain traps has been an actual nightmare. I asked him to at least clean out the bucket I used and put on the back porch. He emptied it, but he didn't rinse them out with the hose. I've had to do construction and handyman work. I need to figure out how to drain the hot water heater. Plus normal stuff like cleaning the counters, the floors, the toilet. I CAN do these things, even with the phobia, but it is so, so mentally taxing. Plus the litter and dishes are supposed to be his chores, and he complains about them not getting done. He just... doesn't do it. Says he doesn't have time, doesn't fit into his schedule.

The cat has been misbehaving as well. She has decided my husband's clothes are a good place to go bathroom. And my husband is loosing his temper over it, which is... very literally triggering me. My dad would lose his temper with our cats growing up and kick them across the room. My husband isn't hurting our cat, but it still triggers me that he is getting angry with the cat for doing cat things. It's not her fault. It's our fault for not training her properly and/or not seeing to her medical needs. He has been complaining about this for weeks, but he hasn't fixed anything. I finally decided to just schedule the vet appointment myself. He bought cleaning supplies to deodorize her messes, but he hasn't used them properly. He just throws the clothes in the washer without running it, making the washer smell. I should mention I am ALLERGIC to cat urine. He KNOWS this. I have asked him to clean these things. But again... doesn't fit his schedule. He just gets mad about it instead. I am just trying to keep up with the problem as best I can.

My physical health is struggling, mostly because the air quality is terrible where I live. It is causing several different health issues to flare.

Counseling has been... hard. Good progress. Amazing progress. I have met a few new parts. But with that comes... well... difficult memories. Difficult emotions. New things I do not know how to deal with. New parts to take care of. I need to publicly state I am not ashamed of them or what they've been through, because I know they fear that. It is just... hard. For me and them.

Since my mental AND physical health is flagging, older mental health issues are beginning to rear their heads again. Stuff that I usually have a handle on. Self harm just to make everything... stop... slow down for a while. I have an old eating disorder rearing its head too. I've never known exactly what it is, never been diagnosed. I'll go days at a time without eating. And when I do, there's a 50/50 chance I'll keep the food down. Sometimes I'll throw it up due to disgust with myself for eating, and sometimes its due to distrusting the food, that it is somehow contaminated (and that is 100% a trauma thing, growing up in a house with food that was frequently infested. Don't know if those instances count as flashbacks or not).

I am... scared to admit to struggling. Not with my relationship with my school now. It's pretty clear that any signs of mental health struggles will be confronted with great bias. Hell, even my marriage problems. That is one of the areas they drilled me on, saying that a poor marriage was a sign that I was unfit for the program.

I find myself missing the psych ward. The permission to just... focus on myself and my own recovery.

I am... not okay.

[gaymerasmus]

I'm curious about this match-up, I hope you're still accepting them when receiving this ask. If it's not too much trouble, I'd like it if the match-up for mine is done more queer-platonically. (a relationship that bends the lines between a romantic relationship and a non-romantic relationship.) If not, then it's alright, I'll take on the romance like a man. I apologise if this is extremely long.

I'm around 155 - 160cm, and I have a thin body structure. I currently have short black hair, I'd like to grow it out until mid-length, dye it blond and tie it into a half-up ponytail once I graduate. I have a birthmark on my neck, it's in the shape of a diamond.

I considered myself reclusive, I have the tendency to avoid social interactions as I find most of them troublesome because they can be quite taxing to maintain. Once you lose contact, you must reestablish the relationship, and this requires a lot of time... I prefer quiet places, especially one that is away from the crowd but I don't mind if a friend wants to accompany me.

I love to research topics that pique my interest, which ends up occupying 80% of my brain. However, I lose all interest once I found out everything about it and it lefts a bittersweet sensation in my mind as I search for the next thing to fixate on. I'm very passionate about the things I'm interested in, I can possibly talk about it for hours or days (and apologise when I talk too much because I do not want to overwhelm the others) but I act extremely cold/oblivious to things I'm disinterested in.

I'm an alchemist, but you can't exactly turn to lead to gold through any means in this modern day so I suppose I'm a chemist at most. I make sure to follow my procedures very closely while conducting experiments in the lab. Despite I'm more interested in Chemistry, I'm actually building my future more towards the Physics side, but I might end up combining the two subjects and going with Chemical Engineering lmao.

I draw during my free time, and I draw anything that inspires me. One weakness I have is that I won't take my time to draw if it's something that doesn't pique my interest (unless I have to, but it'll make me spend more time on a piece and I don't like to spend more than 2 days on the same artwork). I'll keep drawing something until that interest burns away.

Thank you for doing this and have a nice day/night. :)

No need to apologize the more you say is more I can write about :] Your ask had a very good vibe to it. Anyway you're matched with...

Engineer B')

You like quiet? It doesn't get much more quiet than this man. Don't be fooled, he can hoot and holler like nobody's business, but around you he's compelled to comfortable silence.

Perhaps it's because he's too busy admiring you, but he'd never admit to that.

Visit him! He loves seeing you walk through the doors of his shop. Regardless if it's for a simple question or to hang out for a few hours, he loves the company (and reminder he needs to drink water every once in awhile).

Despite being happily distracted, he always seems to be more productive around you. Ceasefire days often mean both of you are in the garage, tinkering and drawing away.

Occasionally he will listen to you talk about your interests as you work. Dell soaks up information like a sponge, so he finds your conversations satisfying every time. He asks questions regardless of his knowledge on the topic just (to hear you talk more) to keep the conversation going.

You'd better be ready to hear about his work too. Much like you, he could talk for hours about his favorite subjects. This comes in handy when you're having a bad day and need a distraction or when you're not in the mood to talk.

While we're still on the topic of work, he'll happily help you with experiments (given you let him). He understands most procedures for the, despite his co-workers' lack of precaution, and tries to follow your rules best he can. However, he won't get mad if you refuse him. He'd be perfectly content watching you hone in on your work, too concentrated to notice how his eyes linger on your lips.

This is also how he discovered the birthmark on your neck, which led to him nicknaming you Jewel. He loves when your hair shifts just enough to be able to see it. If touch is permitted, he traces the shape over and over with his fingertips.

Always banking off politeness, especially with your boundaries. When it comes to flirting or close contact he never makes the first move (unless prompted). He'd hate to make you uncomfortable. In fact he actively worries about it, so the ball is in your court when it comes to initiating anything.

When you do prompt him, God himself couldn't stop him from getting as close as possible. Brushing your hands as he walks by, subtle winks and shy compliments, hugging after a rough match if you're comfortable, all done with careful and deliberate gentleness.

He doesn't quite understand where your relationship is, or where it's going, but as long as you're next to him he really doesn't care. He gets jealous when other mercs flirt with you, but it's not like he'd ever say anything. He knows at the end of the day it's him you're close to, who gets to watch you work and smile and laugh, and it's him who gets the bits of affection you grace him with. It really is all he could want.

[dabihawksluvr]

I had a recent argument with someone, and I'd like to share it.

To keep this part short (trust me it's not super important), I'm currently disabled due to both mental/physical issues and unable to work due to my living area being mostly heavy lifting/driving/customer service (three things I cannot do because of my issues). But with my current situation, my brother and his partner are trying to get me into having a job regardless of that.

So, we started discussing jobs I can do.

As we talked, I brought up that I'm not going to work for McDonald's. My main reason was not only because they treat employees like trash, but also because they directly support Israel and their genocide against the Palestinians. This spiraled into a discussion that caused my paranoia to skyrocket, basically my brother pointing out that I had to 'pick and choose my battles' because it was either get a job or end up homeless and starving on the streets.

Basically, by the end of it, the discussion went nowhere.

I kept on reiterating that this was just with McDonald's, I only brought it up because either of them may have suggested it anyways and I just wanted it to be clear why I wasn't going to work at such a place. Then my brother kept on stating that EVERY company was supporting Israel in some way, which I already knew and I stated that I wouldn't work for companies that gave direct support (basically if their money is being directly given to Israel rather than the government just taking bits and pieces from the profits made by any/all companies in the US).

I know he's right, but my issue was that I was getting paranoid from all this. I have my clear boundaries with these things, and yes I know that no matter what our tax dollars are going into funding this genocide. But, I'd rather keep myself from working for a business that gives direct support. And I do have other job options, I know that I do. So I don't know why he went off on me like that, when I gave him my clear points and he still said 'but if you support Palestine then just don't work at all or shut up and take the job' (he didn't say that exactly but with how he was wording it that's how I felt the argument was going.

[b-chansbbygirl]

I'm gonna rant about the American health system, politics, and mental health so if you don't want to be angry with me please keep scrolling.

I was diagnosed with PTSD, major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety. I was prescribed medication to cope with these mental illnesses and I see a therapist.

I recently had to leave a job due to a VERY toxic work environment. The only thing that was keeping me there was the money and benefits (for example, health insurance). A good friend of mine that still works at that shithole convinced me to leave. She told me that she could see that the place was burning me out and I needed to get out before it got so bad that I couldn't function. I agreed and started looking for a new job.

This weekend will be the one month mark at my new job. They're a small business with less than 50 employees. Because they have less than 50 employees they aren't required by the state to have health insurance. So, what does that mean for me? Well, I'm glad you asked.

I now have to pay out of pocket for everything, or I could completely give up on my mental health. I'm going to have to pay for all of my medications OUT OF POCKET because I don't have insurance. How much are they? Well my birth control isn't too bad; it's $20. But I take two different antidepressants. A 30 day supply for one of them is $50 which I guess is manageable. But the other one? Almost fucking $500. Five hundred fucking American dollars.

Now hear me out, I've been searching high and low for a way to take care of this. But here's the issue: I make too much money to qualify for state benefits and I don't make enough to afford a $421 insurance payment every month. I found a loophole where I qualify for a specific type of coverage but I still have to pay $73 a month for it. That'll cover my psych appointments, therapy, and meds.

So I got the paperwork in the mail for this medical coverage. They want a transcript for every single bill I pay. Like???? Isn't there a way you can look me up somehow and find all of that yourself? Literally every bill I pay for is connected to my SSN. But okay whatever.

I'm just frustrated, guys. I live alone and work a full time job. I feed myself and keep my water running and keep the lights on. I pay for shit for my car, I pay for so fucking much it's like none of it matters.

I'm tired. I'm worn out. I'm fucking pissed at the United States of Fucking America, the "land of the free", for not giving us free healthcare. I don't give a shit if I have to pay more in taxes, at least I wouldn't be suffering from my own mind and I could get the help I desperately need. The government has money to give to other countries but enough to put towards our healthcare? Now I get it, those people need the money and supplies because they're fighting wars and people are dying. If I could physically or financially go help them myself i would. But we have so many problems with our own country here in the good ol' US of A. I'm not trying to start an argument so don't even jump into my inbox. I'm just tired, guys. I'm tired of fighting and trying to keep myself going. We shouldn't have to worry about what happens if we get sick or what bills we'll be able to pay. For one of the most powerful and "richest" countries in the world the citizens are pretty fucked when it comes to living here.

So, United States government, here's to you.

[mymarifae]

i've been a little quieter than normal just because i've really gotten into

lately

[roo-bastmoon]

Thinking of physical confrontation is a bit of an overreaction?Taekookers are acting up because they are now getting taekook content.It is higly unlikely anyone from that group will hurt JK or Jimin.Specially when JK is half of their preferred ship.Also on twitter more Tae fans fight on behalf of Jimin against Taekookers than Jimin fans do for Tae against Jikookers.No one is physically attacking anyone.

This type of inflammatory remarks and overreaction should be reserved in thoughts only.

Excuse me, Nonie, but no, absolutely NOT. Now is exactly the time to raise the alarm.

I'm not sure which parts of Twitter you hang out on, that you can remain blissfully unaware and think the majority of Taekookers fight on behalf of Jimin or champion JK as half of their ship (instead of treating him like a prop), but why don't you join some JM and JK report accounts for a few weeks and take a good long look at the daily hate comments, death and rape wishes, stalking tips, and targeted attacks toward JM and JK fans? Stay on those accounts for at least a month so you can see how many Taekookers get suspended and then make new usernames and come right back on to keep doing it. The volume will shock you.

Now I would expect some cat-fighting online and for Taekookers to constantly comment on their ship on the Vlives. People are people. But unlike the other fanatics and shippers, unhinged Taekookers and Jimin-antis have:

--doxed Jimin's personal info online (a huge security risk)

--published photos and private info about Jimin's family members (invasion of privacy)

--bashed JK and Jimin in group chats and then campaigned online by trending the "Free Taekook" type hashtags (defamation, lies)

--paid serious money to fly to Korea and show up at the airport with "Taekook is Real" signs where the boys saw (proximity, extreme behavior)

And in an effort to prove their ship and out two supposedly closeted members, Taekookers have harassed:

--a child from a music video

--Tae's hairdresser

--a necklace maker

--a ring maker

--collaborating musicians and artists

--models on instagram

--models in Paris

--an actor whose partner died

--JK's brother

--JK's tattoo artists

That's just what I have seen as a very new Army and remember off the top of my head. I'm sure if I went digging, I'd find more.

And look, Jikookers aren't angels--there are assholes in every subset of humanity. Jimin, Tae, and JK deserve better from everyone. But no one else is doing this amount of sheer toxic crap. Don't equate what some asshole Jikookers say about Tae; there's no way it's on the same level. This isn't normal fan behavior. They don't just celebrate their ship. Big accounts keep whipping up anti-Jimin sentiment and false narratives about Tae and JK. They flat out LIE. And I and other Armys are telling you: it is escalating.

Three years ago, Taekook fans used to say things like "Jimin and JK are just doing fanservice; Tae and JK's relationship is real and not for the cameras." Which was rude but not insane. NOW, some Taekook fans go around saying things like "Jimin is a slutty fat pig, a no-talent whore leech, who brags about doing charity work to cover up dodging his taxes and his father's right-wing connections, all while he fucks Bongo for payola on his songs that he makes with rapists, and then he forces poor Tae to watch him use JK's body for fanservice to appeal to Korean Jikook fans for money."

This kind of fantastical bullshit goes round and round until more and more people start to believe some or all of it (or they stop fact-checking it and shutting it down because it's exhausting). It's not just defamatory, it's dangerous. It's right up there with the smear campaign that Hillary Clinton runs a child sex trafficking ring out of the basement of a pizza shop in DC. Folks laughed that off and said not to indulge such fantasies with attention, right up until a crazed patriot with a gun showed up to shoot up the place.

Am I saying FOR CERTAIN that antis and/or Taekook fans are going to attack a BTS member? No, of course not. I don't have a crystal ball. But I am saying their unacceptable behavior is escalating, and BEFORE it turns into orchestrated blackmail or becomes violent towards members or other fans who don't support the Taekook narrative, we all need to shut it down. The company, the members, Army, and other Taekookers especially need to work to shut it down.

There are crazy people in every fandom and always have been and it shouldn't be our responsibility to police their thoughts--but their actions reflect on all of us. And unfortunately a few psychos is all it takes to make a huge problem for everyone. This rabid subset of Taekookers are going from having feelings and opinions to having a faith narrative and taking invasive actions. So rather than sit around clutching our pearls or rolling our eyes or keeping our thoughts to ourselves, NOW is the time for Army to recognize the extent of the problem and actively call it out.

If after you do a bit more investigating into the dark side of BTS fandom, you still think I'm being inflammatory and uncalled for by raising red flags here--come off anon. Comment on this post. State for the record your defense of Taekookers. I'll bookmark it and circle back with you in a year. And if by then, everything died down on its own, and Taekookers didn't keep escalating their anti behavior, I will personally apologize for over-worrying and remove this post.

I hope I'm never too proud to admit it when I'm wrong. But Nonie? I'm not wrong. Our community needs to check this behavior before it gets so far out of hand that people get hurt. If that stance seems too controversial to you, it might be best we part ways here.

[pandorasbox341]

🌼Just a personal update:

This year has been very taxing on my mental and physical health. My narcissistic father is marrying a woman only 10 years older than me and he wants me out of the house to make room for his new wife and her kids. At the moment I'm doing my PhD so I'm constantly studying and writing. Now I need to find a job asap and have to look for a place to stay so I'm juggling a lot of responsibility while my father does the bare minimum and keeps presssuring me on whether I've found work yet and a place to stay. Doing nothing to help me at all. As a result I've been having sleepless nights worrying about the future, work, a place to live and whether I'll be able to finish my phd....

Wednesday morning I woke up and felt awful. Something was terribly wrong and I couldn't pinpoint what. I called my mom and she reckoned my blood pressure was probably very low. Mom came over and took my bp, which was actually super high 183/116! We immediately went to the nurse at the pharmacy and it was still dangerously high. Adding to this my pulse was 129 bpm. The nurse made an emergency doctor's appointment said i need to go to my doctor asap. I couldn't understand why my bp would spike like this, because my bp was always normal or on the lower side and now suddenly it was dangerously high. I was freaking out and my mind was racing thinking of all the horrible things that can happen with high bp. At my doctor they took bloodworks, but everything was fine, no infection or hormonal imbalance. The only cause we could think of was that all these worries must have worsened my anxiety and that i must have had a panic attack. My doctor gave me anti-anxiety and blood pressure pills.

So now I'm trying to keep calm and giving my body and mind a break. Mom also told my father to back off and stop pressuring me, as he's probably one of the reasons i had this nervous breakdown. The bp and anxiety pills are working well and I'm taking it easy...

Remember to take care of yourself! Many times you don't even know how anxious or worried you are until your body tells you to slow down and take a break!

[pandorkful]

I'd been feeling rancid for the past several days and it definitely was because of how late I was getting to bed. Two nights of more acceptable bedtimes and I'm already feeling more human.

How do I internalize this lesson? I keep having to relearn it like every other month. Whether or not I sleep well, I just absolutely cannot let myself stay up till dawn. Tho a new mattress that isn't actively popping coils out the side might help me want to go to bed....

I absolutely cannot afford a new mattress, though. Which sucks cuz I think the one I currently have might actively be hurting my back physically. I had wanted to use my tax return to replace it, but ended up needing to use all that up just to survive.

Yet again, the money anxiety and dire situation wins. Welp. Things to think about, or immediately forget because I am a goldfish.

I don't even know where to even find a decent mattress that can withstand my bodyweight, this one has barely survived 13 years of use and the place in town my folks got it from doesn't exist anymore. Hrmm.

Making some more progress with the rearranging, starting to feel more sustained creative focus returning so that's good. That also might just be from sleeping earlier too tho LMAO 😅

[thewidowsghost]

Fox - Chapter 58

Previously on Fox:

Natasha gazes up at (Y/n) fondly, blinking drowsily, her eyes are full of a soft affection. She smiles and rests her head back on (Y/n)'s chest, letting her eyes close again.

The two remain like this for a few more minutes until Natasha lifts her head again. "Is that waffles I smell?" Natasha asks, the drowsiness leaving her.

(Y/n) fixes a loving gaze on her redhead, and Natasha flushes at the sheer affection in her wife's (E/c) eyes.

"Yes, I made breakfast," (Y/n) says and Natasha grins, nuzzling her wife's cheek with her nose.

"I love when you make breakfast," Natasha says, rising from rolling off the bed, landing on her face.

(Y/n) blinks, confusedly, shifting over on the bed to gaze at her wife lying motionless on the floor.

"Um, are you okay?" (Y/n) asks, her eyes wide with concern.

Natasha jumps up from the floor and all but sprints out of the room and down the stairs.

(Y/n) chuckles, sliding out of the bed to follow Natasha.

3rd Person POV

"What are you thinking?" Pepper Potts asks as she and (Y/n) walk into Tony's basement lab.

"Hey, I'm thinking I'm busy," Tony replies, turning away from the two women. "And you're angry about something. Do you have the sniffles?" He asks Pepper. "I don't wanna get sick."

"Did you just donate . . . " Pepper begins but Tony cuts her off.

"Keep your business," Tony says.

" . . . our entire modern art collection to the . . . "

"Boy Scouts of America," Tony finishes.

". . . the Boy Scouts of America?" Pepper questions.

"Yes, it is a worthwhile organization," Tony says. "I didn't physically check the crates but, basically, yes."

(Y/n) and Pepper follow the eccentric billionaire around the lab, (Y/n)'s eyes rolling in exasperation.

"And it's not 'our' collection, it's my collection," Tony says.

"Actually, I think Pep can call it 'our' collection because she's spent over a decade putting it together," (Y/n) says, her gaze resting on her father.

"It was a tax write-off," Tony says. "I needed that."

"You know, there's only about eight thousand eleven things that I really need to talk to you about," Pepper goes on, both women moving to follow Tony around the lab.

"Dummy. Hey." Tony knocks on the robotic arm. "Hey, stop spacing out. The Bridgeport's already machining that part."

"The Expo is a gigantic waste of time," Pepper tells Tony, her nose stuffy.

"I need you to wear a surgical mask until you're feeling better," Tony says, placing his hands on Pepper's shoulders. "Is that okay?"

"Dad, that's rude," (Y/n) scolds, furrowing her eyebrows.

"There's nothing more important to me than the Expo," Tony says. "It's my primary point of concern." Tony continues walking down the path through the desks, computer monitors, and filing cabinets. "I don't know . . ."

"Dad, even I'll admit that it's our egos blown straight out of proportion," (Y/n) says and Tony glances at his daughter, shrugging in apparent disagreement.

"Wow, look at that," Tony says, finding an Iron Man poster.

"That's modern art. That's going up," Tony continues.

"Oh, no," (Y/n) rests her head in her hand in exasperation.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding," Pepper says, closing her eyes.

"I regret getting him that now," (Y/n) mutters, watching as her father crosses the room to where another piece of art is hanging.

"Stark is in complete disarray," Pepper continues, the two women following the billionaire. "You understand that?"

"No. Our stocks have never been higher," Tony retorts.

"Yes, from a managerial standpoint," Pepper argues.

"You are . . ."

"Well, if it's messy, then let's double back," Tony says.

"Let me give you an example," Pepper says, and (Y/n) decides to drop out of the conversation for a moment, letting the two older adults talk about Stark Industries.

"Let's move onto another subject," Tony goes on.

"Oh, no, no, no, no," Pepper scolds, you are not talking down the Barrett Newman and hanging that up!"

"I'm not taking it down. I'm just replacing it with this," Tony replies.

Let's see what I can get going here," Tony says, pulling one of the paintings off the wall and replacing it with the Iron Man poster.

(Y/n) kind of zones out but then she hears, "Pepper, you're not listening to me! I'm trying to make you CEO."

. . .

"The notary's here!" Pepper calls, walking into Tony's gym. "Can you please come sign the transfer paperwork?"

"I'm on happy time," Tony says from inside the ring with Happy.

"Sorry," Tony says unapologeticly as he punches Happy in the face. "It's called mixed martial arts. It's been around fro three weeks."

"It's called dirty boxing," Happy retorts. "There's nothing new about it."

"All right, put them up," Tony tells Happy. "Come on."

A woman with dark red - almost brown - hair and a Norwegian Elkhound trotting at her side, wagging her tail happily.

Happy's eyes flick over to the doorway and Tony looks as well, both men seemingly entranced by the woman.

The woman's eyes rest on Tony momentarily and the husky nudges her with her jet black nose. The woman spares a glance at the dog and a slight smile twitches on her lips.

"I promise you this is the only time I will ask you to sign over your company," Pepper says and the woman and husky walk down the stairs.

The dark red haired woman walks over to Pepper, the husky sitting beside her. The woman opens a binder, showing to Pepper.

"I need you to initial each box," the dark haired woman says softly, handing Pepper a pen.

The dark haired woman's emerald orbs widen with exasperation as Tony Stark kicks Happy into one of the pillars. The husky lets out a single yip and nudges the woman.

"That's it, I'm done," Happy says, his eyes narrowing angrily.

"Hey! What's your name, lady?" Tony asks, turning and pointing at the woman.

"Rushman. Natalie Rushman," the woman replies.

"Front and center," Tony tells the woman. "Come into the church."

"No. You're not seriously gonna ask . . ." Pepper trails off.

"If it pleases the court, which it does," Tony says.

"It's no problem," Natalie says, closing the binder and smiling at Pepper.

"I'm sorry," Pepper tells the shorter woman. "He's very eccentric."

"Cinder," Natalie says and the husky looks up. "Sit."

Cinder sits, her tail brushing the floor as she wags her tail.

The dog watches her owner, her ears pricked, but she relaxes when Pepper strokes her ears.

. . .

Natalie walks down the hall, Cinder padding after her, her tail still wagging.

(Y/n) morphs back into once they get in Natasha's car, and the woman smiles bemusedly at her wife.

"Had fun?" (Y/n) asks Natasha as they drive away.

"Your father is . . . " Natasha trails off and (Y/n) laughs.

"Eccentric?" (Y/n) offers, quoting Pepper from earlier.

"Yeah, that's the word I'd use," Natasha says and (Y/n) grins. "Where do you want to go to eat?"

"I'm not really that hungry," (Y/n) admits.

When Natasha stops at a stoplight, she turns, looking at (Y/n) in disbelief.

"What?" (Y/n) asks.

"Are you alright?" Natasha asks. "You're always hungry."

"I am not!" (Y/n) retorts, her eyes sparkling with amusement.

Natasha continues driving, "You are too." Natasha smiles. "That's where Lena gets it."

"You're ridiculous, Mrs. Romanoff," (Y/n) says with an adoring smile.

"I could say the same about you, dear," Natasha replies, the redhead pulling up to the house SHIELD had given them.

The two women walk into the house, Natasha collapsing on top of (Y/n) on the couch.

"It's eleven o'clock in the morning, babe," Natasha says as (Y/n) lets her eyes close. (Y/n)'s eyes crack open again, gazing softly at the redhead. "You tired?" her voice is softer now.

"Going undercover in Dad's house is the most exhausting thing I've ever done," (Y/n) admits.

Natasha moves over to a closet, pulling out a blanket and crossing the room to lie with (Y/n) on the couch, pulling the blanket over themselves.

(Y/n) smiles softly, her arms wrapping around her wife's waist, Natasha's head resting on (Y/n)'s chest.

Word Count: 1411 words

Taglist:

@mariawilson24

@just-dreaming-marvel

@marsromanoff

@procrastinatingsapphictrash

@theofficialzivadavid

@chickenhavewisdom

@fayharper

@acertainredhead

@capsicle118

@rail-me-romanoff

@ssa-sapphic

[fanfiction-funtime]

Self insert oc: Alexander Vodka

AKA: Eis Cay'zar

Author of fate

A writer from Schneznaya who was driven from his home for his anti-Tsaritsa paper.

_____________________

Physical description:

A chubby fellow in a 1950's style noir trenchcoat and hat, some would even say he looks like he jumped right out of a noir comic book and into reality. He has brown hair and green eyes, a cowboy mustache, and a pointed beard like some kind of comic book supervillain genius.

He often acts confidently and even a bit egotistical when in places he's recognized and famous in, however in newer places he often seems distant and shys away from almost all contact.

Noone knows where his vision is, but they know he has one because of the cold aura that surrounds him.

At night he'll often trade his outfit for one more reminiscent of demons or vampires.

_____________________

Abilities:

Weapon type: Catalyst

Basic attack-truth: uses his catalyst to shoot a short burst of up to 3 ice shards, can attack in fast succession.

"Truth hurts, especially in bursts"

Charged attack-Bifrost: Alexander quickly makes an ice clone behind the enemy and fires 6 shots, this can increase to 3 clones if charged enough(times: 1 for 1 second, 2 for 2 seconds, and 3 for 2.5 seconds)

"I hate crowds, best company has always been myself"

Elemental ability-ice wall: creates an aura of sheer cold around himself that will damage enemies the more they stay in it, and apply the normal sheer cold to them. Does not affect party.

"My therapist said I put up walls because of trauma, but I couldn't hear them through the wall I had just built"

Elemental burst-a story to be told: Alexander takes out his book and opens to a random page, then randomly summons ice sculptures of one of 8 beings:

"Aster": this summon looks like the flatwoods monster, it surrounds the party in a swirl of ice blades that deal 2X damage as the character for 10 seconds.

"Who needs brawn, when you got brain"

"Ultimate foe": a demonic, pointy being of shadow. Will independently deal 25000 damage to three random foes.

"Meet my penultimate friend"

"Beethoven": a sculpture reminiscent of a ww1 zombie general, calls down a barrage of ice bombs that deal 5000 damage to enemies hit for 7 seconds.

"Good scifi doesn't predict, it prevents"

"Sorrows Joy": an angelic, faceless, robot like humanoid that spawns 25 angel shaped traps that freeze enemies around the character.

"With any luck, you're the only real one I've made"

"Death rider and the magic prince": two statues, one of a mummy like Schneznayan mystic of ancient barbarian times and the other an elven cavalry knight from the myths of mondstadt. The knight gives the party a 45% boost to speed and attack while moving, and the Schneznayan gives +10% damage bonus to elemental skills and +55% damage bonus to Catalyst.

"Feel the wrath of honor long passed"

"Zero point and Lion queen": a knightly man of spiked armor and a golden ottoman warrior woman whose golden chain completely obscures her head. Your enemies become inflicted with pyro and you are surrounded by thorn bushes that deal continuous damage of 1000 for 10 seconds.

"Walk down the way on a moonlit day"

The traveler: a child in a red straight jacket, his binds become undone after 4 seconds at which point all enemies take 10,000 X Alexander's level of damage.

"I uh,wont have to pay any copyrights will I?"

"Giota": a child in pyjamas who looks ready to sleep, this summon is very rare. It fully restores all party members and gives a 200% boost to both defense and damage of your characters.

"This fella's been with me since I was a kid"

"If it is a soldier's duty to escape the confines of a prison, is it not every person's duty to escape reality if even for a moment? A wise man said that, pray that I may one day be like him."

Passive-part the wasteland: Alexander is immune to sheer elements, and Grant's 50% resistance when in the party to all members.

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Story

Abandoning a dream

As a kid, Alexander was always put down when he said he wanted to write fiction, "there's no money in it" they all said.

He couldn't get into any art schools without support so he focused his mind elsewhere, a place he could hopefully use his writing to do just as much good: the first newspaper in Schneznaya.

Horrible truth

He didn't start as a trouble maker, but the more he sought out the truth the more he couldn't stand back and watch. He published numerous papers about the Tsarista's wrongdoings and the crimes of the fatui, how they would harass merchants in other nations, the unfair taxes many shipping businesses had to keep quiet about, all the way up to the war crimes the Tsarista had done in direct contradiction to her own laws.

Sadly, not many believed him even with evidence, but some got his message.

Those who fight

One day Alexander was approached by a man who claimed to have formed a resistance against the fatui. Alexander had inspired many people to disrupt the organization, and have even begun working with those outside Schneznaya.

With their help he didn't just publish some crimes, he published them all, he even got information that turned the general public against the fatui even if just a little.

In a way h had achieved his dream of helping others with his writing, even if it wasn't how he wanted.

Stop the presses

When the Tsarista started her big move of taking gnosis, she brought the hammer down on dissent like a boulder on a ten year old's wrist. One day a squad of thirty fatui stormed Alexander's home and business to silence him, and while they shut down his business they couldn't catch him.

Alexander fled into the wastelands of ice and snow and wasn't seen for several weeks.

Deus ex Vodka

One day Alexander showed up in Inazuma, a nation that had been oppressed for some time now and had recently reached it's height, yet no resistance had formed.

That was until Alexander came along.

Alexander published numerous books, spreading them throughout Inazuma. All of them spoke of freedom, of bravery, of rising up to achieve your ambitions.

And with those stories he inspired countless to take up arms, and in turn inspired countless to join the resistance.

And with mere fiction he had brought about hope,

And with mere fiction he shall do it again, in every form, and in every nation.

Vision: cold hearted

While wondering the waste Alexander fell down and looked to the skies.

He did not ask celestia why, he did not grieve or blame that he did not do more, instead Alexander did something he hadn't done in a long time:

He imagined.

And after he imagined he took out his notebook and wrote. In the freezing cold for seventeen days he wrote stories of hope and freedom.

For seventeen days the cold did not so much as cause him to flinch as he wrote tales of bravery.

For seventeen days Alexander Vodka lived how he wanted to live.

And at the end, he lied down to die.

Then a light shown, and when he opened his eyes to look he saw that the storm parted around him, and in his hand was an ice blue gem.

But Alexander was too paranoid from years of abuse from his peers as a child to wear it loosely, and far to extra to just get a lock. So instead Alexander shouted to celestia "if I shall have this Vision for my art, then it shall not kill me no matter what I do!"

He then shoved the vision into his heart and fell down.

Before he could bleed out however, a woman appeared.

"Hey Tsari, how ya doin." Alexander said as blood poured out his mouth.

"You dramatic fool," the Tsarista sighed as she put a hand on his chest, "you have my element, do you know how bad it'll look for me if you die by shoving your vision into your heart?"

"Why do you care? We hate eachother, in case you forgot."

The archon sighed, "you're just rebelling against what you see as unjust, just as I am. To be honest I feel a sort of rivalry with you, so it'd be a shame if you just died. Also," she painfully shoved the vision all the way in, painfully, "if your going to die it better be because of me, got it?"

Then Alexander sat up, and the god was gone. Along with the hole in his chest.

"Rival of a god eh?" He sat up, putting his gat back on his head, "I like the sound of that."

_____________________

How is this an insert?

Well his story can't be the exact same as mine, so I took my life and goals and made predictions, then fictionalized those predictions and expanded.

His appearance is pretty close to how I'll likely look based on my current appearance, and his dramatic attitude is exactly how I wanna act.

Him being shy in new places with strangers is me exactly as I am now really, however I do believe I'd act confidently if I were famous so he does as well.

Him being Catalyst is because I'm not athletic at all, and I figured a dps Catalyst would be cool. His main ability and resistance/immunity to sheer cold is based on how I wrap up in warm blankets when it's cold, and his ultimate is made up of characters I've made.

_____________________

Tagging: @genshin-obsessed, @golden-wingseos, @storytravelled, and @love-psxlm