#i havent had one of these moments in. perhaps over a year this is so funny

[sodrippy]

glad to see absolutely innocuous things people say offhandedly without a second thought still make me feel sick and insane

[darklcy]

𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

‣ eddie's session runs longer than you thought. bored, with nothing to do, you find his shirt.

‣ eddie munson x reader | stranger things masterlist | 823 words | fluff, established relationship, idiots in love ig

‣ i havent posted him in a while and i just got to rewatching s4, so naturally-

He’d been gone far too long already.

You tried not to complain, not having the desire to suck the life out of his soul for simply engaging in his passion. Dungeons and dragons served as an enigma in your brain, its complexity never failing to swirl your thoughts in knots each time you tried learning to play. If him being late was the only self punishment for not comprehending the rules of the game, then perhaps it was justifiable.

..It was just late. And you were beyond bored.

Boredom was a lazy explanation for the feeling you were experiencing at the moment, but for lack of better word, boredom will do. Body sprawled across his mattress, Gremlins displayed in the living room television down the hall, fingernails touched skin in a pattern, as if counting sheep represented itself through your fingers. The night sky stretched further along the hours as you waited for his campaign to finish, but with the way your eyelids drooped and head bobbed, you may not be around for his return.

Laying back on your spine, ceiling coming into view, you fought the upcoming dreams with all your might to avoid slumber, wanting to greet Eddie properly the moment he stepped inside. Chin lolling to the right, a signature club shirt curiously grabbed your eye, the red faced demon poking through the gaps of his drawer. 

Huh.

Somehow that pumped a vein full of awoken energy throughout your body. Sitting back up, you crawled over to the drawer and yanked the shirt from its clenches, freeing the fabric from its prison. The demon’s eyes met yours in a sneer, and sometimes you wonder if the corners of his mouth grew each time you stared at him. Discarding your own top, you replaced it with his, the remnants of smoke and faint cologne wafting in your nostrils.

Eddie smelled like home, a sanctuary, a safe place. A bit ironic, with fire comes reassurance, in your world, that is.

The garment was a bit loose on your figure, the ends reaching just below your hips. With the canvas of your legs exposed from lack of pajamas, his shirt became your blanket and lover all in one, a figment of the real thing. This will have to do until he returns. 

Cheek pressed to the comforter, Gremlins had just barely faded out into the credits when sleep found you, tucked away and hidden in the cotton of Hellfire.

“Baabe, I’m home.”

Brass met knob when Eddie unlocked it open, enjoying the warm heat of the trailer compared to the brisk November air outside. Campaign was good, as usual. Dungeon Master certainly had its perks, even if repeating senior year didn’t. The journey to his bedroom was swift, eager to finally end his day with you by his side, how it always should be. 

However he wasn’t at all, in the slightest bit, prepared to greet you adorning his beloved club shirt, soft skin of your thighs bare, asleep comfortably in his bed. His bed. Alone. With his shirt on. And boyshorts. Oh, wow. You were going to be the death of him.

It was as if he’d been transported to the Moma, viewing a delicate, historical self portrait of an acrylic artist from the 1700s. You were a sight to behold, and for him only. His feet almost sunk into the floorboards from the sheer weight his heart plummeted against his ribs. He’d just fallen in love  all over again. How do you do it so easily?

A gentle groan emitted in your throat as you shifted. What a sweet sound. You’re so sweet. 

Crouching down towards your face, his ringed knuckle gilded hair from your eyelashes, a smile on his face at the way you stirred from the action. When your eyes awoke to meet his, his lips only stretched wider.

“Mornin', sweetheart.”

Stretching out your arms, a yawn escaped you as a sleepy, “Oh, you’re home,” uttered out in a jumbled whisper. His full palm caressed your face now, occasionally smoothing down your hair while continuing to grin at your drowsiness. He couldn’t get enough.

“Yeah, Hellfire ran a lil late. Sorry to keep you waiting.”

You shook your head into his fingers. “No, you’re fine. I was just bored.”

A deep chuckle rumbled in his chest as he moved to sit beside you. His fingers transitioned from your cheek to the shirt on your skin, rings grazing the neckline and shoulder. Eddie had never seen anything like it, and he wore this exact thing every god damn week. 

“You look beautiful like this.”

It was as if complimenting a model, the way he spoke so carefully and tender. You gave him a look.

“..It’s comfy. I might steal it from you.”

He’d give you anything he wanted if you gave him the word. His lips captured yours in a trance, ending too quick for your liking. 

“You should. You wear it best.”

—

[kimdokjas]

give me those fics u wanna rec sooo bad but havent otten the chance to yet😈

@mauxanhduong

HI YES I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED

these are some of my absolute FAVORITE orv fics. the writing overall is just amazing showstopping spectacular. also several of them made me cry (both happy and sad tears) and now it's time to inflict that pain on others eheh

most of these are joongdok fics just fyi. also pls beware about spoilers!

ORV Fic Recs Pt. 2

(pt. 1)

i love ALL of these but the first five have such a special place in my heart, so if you have to choose pls choose from one of those!

before we diverge (let me tell you this) by carolee_sea

Kim Dokja and Yoo Joonghyuk go on a date together in First Murim.

fallen leaves by moo_lan

There is a faerie sleeping in the forest, and he has been sleeping for millennia. Yoo Jonghyuk has been travelling for a long time, and for some reason he feels that this was his destination all along.

Devotion by memoriesofdust (BehindTheRobinsMask)

It was cute. And because it was cute, Yoo Joonghyuk leaned in to do something unthinkable. He kissed Kim Dokja, shivering when the demon's lips pressed against his own. Surprisingly enough, the skies didn't rumble with anger. God didn't smite him right then and there. Yoo Joonghyuk continued to kiss Kim Dokja, drowning in his sweet taste, but the universe never cared. Yoo Joonghyuk did not fall from grace. Perhaps there was a reason for that. After all, angels were born to love God, and Kim Dokja was his. 

missing person report by lorilanda

Kim Dokja opens his arms. "Okay, okay." He takes a deep breath. "Okay. C'mere. Give me a hug." To his absolute horror, Yoo Joonghyuk actually does. Kim Dokja returns.

the false last act by younglegends

Living in a big house with everyone was convenient, most of the time. But there were other things that couldn’t be avoided. Or: The end.

(^^^ for the love of god pls read this one TWICE)

Down by AbsurdHerb

1863rd regression Yoo Jonghyuk tries to find out who Kim Dokja is and finds a lot more than he bargained for. You know that scene where 1863 tries to kill KDJ and the Third Wall stops him by sharing the whole story? I like that scene a normal amount.

Repose by Waltzfor-Zizi (azro_zee)

There were things that bound to linger when one had gone through the apocalypse and back. "Why aren't you sleeping?" Junghyeok asked, ever so coldly, but Dokja had seen him for over twenty thousand years to notice that there were subtle concerns hiding beneath his tone. "It's just…" Dokja gulped. Man, he felt so pathetic. "It's quiet," he finished lamely. In which Kim Dokja feared the silence, and Yu Junghyeok was reminded that the lull could be a little scary.

I am you (no sir, you are you) by aynchent

“It’s okay! Our,” Joonghyuk paused as he placed his hands around Dokja’s shoulders, as if the words tasted bad in his mouth, “Joonghyuk-ie is just struggling to deal with his emotions again.” “Kim Dokja. . .” Dokja growled, internally crying. A good old-fashioned challenge of, “How Well Do You Really Know Your Companion?” Spoiler, the winner may just surprise you!

Taking Action to Contain a Hopeless Squid by gayboy_advance

It started out innocent—just some minor actions to ensure the slippery man’s safety. Yoo Joonghyuk made sure to check on Kim Dokja every time before going to bed, specifically when the other was already sleeping soundly. He figured it would be less explaining if caught, as well as less likely that the man would up and leave once he had actually taken the time to fall asleep. Unfortunate or not, it was not enough to settle his worries as time progressed. Or: Yoo Joonghyuk is anxious about Kim Dokja wandering off and accidentally killing himself at night. His solution? Sleep in Kim Dokja's bed.

you used to be my satellite by Karelyon

One moment, darkness, stillness, silence. Then, the world comes alive once more. Cacophony of noises, the train rolling on tracks, people talking, laughing. Music from his headphones. Sunlight through the window. Smell of cologne, a teenage boy’s deodorant, stale air and flowery perfume of the grandma sitting a few rows ahead. Yoo Joonghyuk is once again in that subway. It is familiar, but also foreign. A whole lifetime in the past. He blinks as the world descends into chaos. or: Yoo Joonghyuk in his first regression, with all his memories from the 0th round, meets one Kim Dokja.

can wait for you at the bottom by trainerlyra

He didn't really have anything to say to him, then. It wasn't like he hadn't said everything before. To his surprise, Kim Dokja broke into a smile. Or: Kim Dokja goes off on his own again, and when he comes back, he's noticeably different. Yoo Joonghyuk isn't sure how to deal with this.

seldom the ghost returns by yamscooper

“Do you think you deserve this?” the Oldest Dream asks. Dokja is exhausted, miserable, shaky in his own skin. He’s so tired of being tired. “I’m starting to think I do,” he says.

~~

i have more but i need to stop at some point lmao, i hope you enjoy!!

[monkiebois]

Imma talk about consequenses Au

aight so bassically

its a family au

where the samadhi fire is sealed away, where wukong ends up retiring and also an au where Wukong is Nezha's dad. adopted but still.

so yeah the au really starts there, Wukong and nezha bond over both being fucked over by heaven yet still bowing down to thier forces. after the journey they just end up *twists fingers togethor* like that.

Sun Nezha || Lotus

now 100's of years after the journey the samadhi fire happens, it

it happens like in cannon.

then dbk is sealed away.

normal cannon stuff exept nezha is around wukong more often and is one of his only companions so the guy isnt COMPLETLY alone.

now macaque interferes in wukongs like more too in this au b4 mk comes along but i havent developed that enough.

also my hc for mk HERE

one day heaven calls swk to meet with them under URGENT bussiness. like end of world bussiness as they say, they call nezha to come too. bassically anyone important and powerful is called to this meeting. not a whole lot of people only the most powerful and important. this includes but is not limited to

swk, nezha , erlang, Kuan yin, the jade emporer.

apparently a piece of the samadhi fire was not sealed away correctly and escaped the ritual and is now in the hands of a young baby girl.

a dragon girl.

they all freak out and erlang blames swk, but kuan yin calms everyone down using magic stuff. idk i hc they have a magic calming power that makes everyone chill tf out and think clearly.

they propose to take the fire out of the child but apparently (bc she was born with it) if they take it out it will kill her.

so kuan yin and nezha mumble to each other for a moment then kuan yin stands up and proposes an idea, swk is a being who has had to learn how to control power equal to the samadhi fire. so perhaps he could teach the child how to control it.

if it wasnt for kuan yins calming magic all hell would have been let loose. no one likes the idea of-of MONKEY teaching a CHILD to control an uncontrollable power.

(nezha and swk have one hell of a headache rn and its only gonna get worse)

so while theyre arguing and bitching over what to do little baby mei is about to change her entire life.

someone rushes into the meeting and informs everyone that the girls home is lit on fire.

red and black fire.

Swk and nezha are the first and only ones to leave, kuan yin stays there and insists everyone else stays. (that includes you erlang)

Swk and nezha make it to Mei's house and swk makes nezha stay while he goes in and gets everyone out.

Mei is the only one who makes it out alive carried in swk's arms.

She's barely a hundred days old.

swk tells heaven he will be taking this young girl in and act as her father. he creates a strong seal (bc this is only a third of the fire a seal works well enough to stop the fire from combusting again) Kuan yin and nezha both endorse this decision and swk ends up with a baby girl.

Sun Xiaojiao || Kiwi || Mei

so for four years mei is the daughter of swk and little sister to Nezha, theyre all happy and swk teaches mei little small magic stuff. nothing too crazy just baby magic.

one day swk goes grocery shopping wile nezha stays with mei.

he's felt it all night, growing.

power

it starts small but large enough to reach across the city, then steadily grows and swk is forced to stop what he's doing and search the city for this overgrowing power source. one that just wont stop getting bigger by the second.

he eventually finds the source of the power but its not some demon stronghold or spell.

its just an apartment building.

one that's door is ripped to shreds.

blood stains the floor's and turns himself into a fly to avoid stepping in the piles of gore on the floor. suddenly he hears a baby crying. the power source is still here.

he rushes in (still a fly and finds a demon looming over a crib claws bared about to strike the young thing)

swk poofs back into his normal form and within the smoke the poof left he grabs the baby and jumps out the window. after he's landed and rushed to the side of the building he does his best to soothe the young monkey...demon...

one with...with his eyes...

not his red ones, eyes from before he was burned

a monkey demon with power that shines just like his.

His succesor

he panics for a moment, internally. he's still as a rock in this moment. and in this moment macaque decided to appear to mess with him. (wrong timing macdonalds)

he tries to fuck around but a smile grows on swk's face and he pushes the baby into mac's arms. smiles with to much teeth and tells him to watch the little guy for like...three minutes.

Mac is dumbfounded and confused af screaming at swk as he goes back up to the apartment but shuts up once his sensitive hearing picks up what wukong is doing.

ps. its murder.

bloody murder.

then something reaches up for him. oh yeah he's got a baby in his arms. then mac panics.

THIS IS A CELESTIAL MONKEY BABY

and it...well he kinda looks like mac doesnt he?

The face marking forming on the little guy's face is a similar color to Mac's, his fur is dark and long just like his own but brown.

little guy's really cute.

Mac ends up playing with little baby mk and swk appears in the shadows of the alleyway covered in blood and askign for the babyback. Mac tells him fuck no, not until you clean off that blood. you expect to carry a baby like that?!?! dumbass.

Swk blinks and realises then he awkardly asks mac to come back to his house so he can take mk home.

mac agree's but on one condition.

he gets to babysit.

swk refuses.

mac leaps into his shadows.

mac teleported to ffm but swk doest know that. when nezha see's him he almost attacks mac but the baby with swk's powers makes him stop in his tracks. Mac explains (what he knows) and tells nezha to call swk while mac goes and gets some fruit for the baby. when swk gets there nezha takes baby mk into mei's room and mei (half asleep) instantly turns into a big sister and claims the little guy, the nezha climbs in bc he does not want to deal with the god's of complicated relationships . so yeah they sleep together while chaos ensues outside

bassically swk and mac talk for a while

then argue.

then mac leaves.

then he comes back like two hours later

more arguing.

then a real conversation

then crying

then swk and mac kiss

nezha throws up bc ew guys pls its 7 in the goddamn morning what the fuck

and bam thats how swk adopted mk and Mac became thier babysitter/mom

Sun Xiaotian || Mk || Monkey Kid ||

so yah consequences AU. one big family and rlly the entire plot is just the kids growing up and then turning into vigilante's with thier amazing powers and everything.

[pesterloglog]

Rose Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam, Jade Harley

Page 565-572

ROSE: Kanaya,

ROSE: It looked for a moment back there as if you were going to actually go through with our "Mutilate The Hostage Beyond Recognition" ruse.

ROSE: With Yiffy rescued and the other children absent, might now be an appropriate time to... hash it all out?

KANAYA: Mm

KANAYA: And What Do You Feel Needs to be Hashed Exactly

JADE: ugh... well

JADE: kanaya i know you havent been very happy and youre probably super frustrated

JADE: but first off i want to say thank you soooo much for putting everything aside to help us

JADE: youre the reason i have my girl back!

JADE: and with minimal bullet holes too! haha

KANAYA: Ha Ha Ha

JADE: ... also... you have every right to be angry!!

JADE: this isnt a little white lie, its a whole bed of secrets which then became an entire child

JADE: but whatever it takes to earn back your trust ill do it!

JADE: ever since we first met ive respected you, felt cared for by you

JADE: i hate how i returned that kindness...

ROSE: Jade.

JADE: and of course you arent obligated to ever forgive me but... i dont want to lose you too!

JADE: i love you kanaya

JADE: youre my family

KANAYA: You Fucked My Wife

ROSE: Exhales.

KANAYA: My Apologies Jade

KANAYA: That Was Very Brave And Of Course Extremely Forthcoming Of You

KANAYA: A Refreshing Change Of Pace From The Ongoing Process Of Haggling The Truth Out Of The Two Of You Detail By Sordid Detail Following The "Yiffy Reveal"

ROSE: Implying we are leaving out information that could remedy this situation.

KANAYA: Implying

ROSE: Sorry.

KANAYA: I Didnt Want You To Remedy The Situation

KANAYA: I Wanted You To Own It

KANAYA: Instead You Let John Lead The Conversation With His Stupid Questions

KANAYA: And Sprinkled Out A Gauche Attempt At A Tear

JADE: but-

ROSE: A bit shameless perhaps.

JADE: !

KANAYA: It Was Theatrical

KANAYA: Well Unlike John I Am Not A Stranger To Your Lives

KANAYA: When You Feed Me Some Half Baked Lie About Karkat And Dave Wanting To Adopt I Know Better

KANAYA: And Though That Travesty Of A Name Is Undoubtedly An Incomprehensibly Offensive Piece Of This Particular Puzzle

KANAYA: What I See Is Not An Explanation

KANAYA: But A Glossing Over Of The Worst Detail

ROSE: Jane.

KANAYA: Rose That Woman Is Going To Ruin The Future For Our Daughter

KANAYA: And You Snuggled Into A Secrets Bed With Her

KANAYA: For So Long I Couldnt Convince You To Share A Cup Of Tea With Jade

KANAYA: Then Years Later You Happen To Grow A Sympathy Gland And Decide To Jump Right To Sharing Offspring

JADE: its my fault kanaya! she was the only option i had left...

KANAYA: Sure Let Us Go With That Considering Your Stated Distaste For Ectobiology

KANAYA: Thats Only Suitable For Trolls Correct?

JADE: no!

JADE: everyone deserves a choice

JADE: but...

JADE: i already have an entire kingdom of ecto-children

JADE: this had to be different

ROSE: No one wants to contribute to the off brand doppelgangers strolling the streets.

ROSE: Easily the worst aspect of this place.

KANAYA: Is That Why You Acquiesced

KANAYA: ?

KANAYA: Because I Am Stumped On That Part As Well

KANAYA: If Memories Serves When We Were Adopting Vriska

KANAYA: I Mentioned The Precarious Possibility Of A Jadedavekat Brood

KANAYA: What Is It That You Said Again

ROSE:

KANAYA: I Believe Your Approximate Verbiage Was That "Their Dysfunctional Human Centipede Of A Relationship Is Soaking With Lighter Fluid And Begging To Burn" And That You Would Feel Sorry For The Grub

KANAYA: Jades Qualities Rang Too Familiar Right

KANAYA: Evasive

KANAYA: Pushy

KANAYA: Lacking In Proper Coping Mechanisms

KANAYA: Carrying An Air Of Unspeakable Sadness

KANAYA: The Poor Kid

ROSE: Congratulations.

ROSE: You've managed to exhume the solemn cadaver of my mother's memory and make her the star of another argument.

KANAYA: As If You Ever Bothered To Bury Her

ROSE: What does this have to do with anything!?

KANAYA: What I Am Doing Is Demonstrating That I Have No Intention To Mediate This Situation

KANAYA: Or Pacify It

KANAYA: Or Even Be A Little Bit Nice Right Now

KANAYA: So Perhaps Youll Actually Take Me Seriously For Once

KANAYA: Instead Of Assuming You Can Pull The Baabeast Keratin Over My Eyes And Distract Me From The Awful Reality

KANAYA: That You Trusted A Monster Over Me

KANAYA: And Cant Even Tell Me Why!

ROSE: And if you don’t like the answers?

KANAYA: That Is Future Roses Problem

ROSE: I see...

ROSE: Ok.

JADE: (ok...?)

ROSE: I want it on the record, involving Jane was not my decision.

ROSE: But it was a pre-established requisite that I did not fight against.

ROSE: It is Jade’s child after all.

ROSE: And you’re not completely wrong, either.

ROSE: I may have felt some... pang of responsibility. For a litany of psychologically revealing reasons.

ROSE: But more than anything else, I took her up on it because it felt oddly

ROSE: inevitable.

ROSE: Anyways,

ROSE: Deep down, I knew it didn’t matter.

ROSE: However we handled it.

ROSE: Whatever hurt we caused.

ROSE: It was never that serious.

ROSE: I knew you would forgive me.

KANAYA: Rose

KANAYA: When Did You Stop Trying

JADE: yeah rose!!!!!

JADE: what the fuck!!!!

JADE: this is not what we discussed...

JADE: you're devaluing kanaya's feelings, minimizing our impact on her!

JADE: woah, im defending you!!!

KANAYA: NO

KANAYA: YOU ARE PISSING ME OFF

JADE: b-but i just dont want things to get even worse!!!!!!

KANAYA: Then Stop Pretending That My Feelings Are Top Priority

KANAYA: AND TRY BEING HONEST FOR ONCE

JADE: WHAT DOES IT EVEN MATTER!!!!!!!

KANAYA: Excuse Me?

JADE: you heard me!

JADE: you were wronged kanaya!

JADE: the truth cant change that

JADE: saying it just fucking hurts more

JADE: what does that accomplish?

JADE: its so embarrassing, would you even get it if i had?

JADE: you havent been alone since we were thirteen

JADE: and the first chance you got you packed up your cosmic purpose and hid away in the brooding caverns

JADE: you have no idea what its like out there

JADE: how traumatizing dating regular citizens was

JADE: imagine trying to love someone who already knows every available detail about you

JADE: who has *opinions* on what happened to you as a child

JADE: who assumes youre indestructible

JADE: newsflash it fucking sucks!!!!!!! because no matter how nice they were

JADE: they didnt want to know me

JADE: they wanted to date the god of space

JADE: and i felt SORRY

JADE: for disappointing *THEM*!!!!!

KANAYA:

ROSE: I had my suspicions but I had no idea it’d been that bad.

ROSE: You didn’t even hint at it.

JADE: why would i?????

JADE: so everyone could lecture me again on how "bad" my "boundaries" are?

ROSE: (I did that one time.)

JADE: you want bad boundaries

JADE: do you know how many people would be waiting outside public bathrooms to talk to me about their problems?

JADE: this one guy randomly started apologizing because they cooked their hamster in the microwave!

JADE: and they looked so sad... i had to hug them and say it was ok

JADE: but it was not ok!

JADE: they murdered their hamster!

Rose: Ugh...

JADE: and their other hamster killed itself

KANAYA: JADE

JADE: out of loneliness!!!!!

KANAYA: GET TO THE POINT

KANAYA: !!!!!!!!

JADE: millions of people told me they loved me

JADE: but i was never a real person to them

JADE: i couldn't let that happen to yiffy too

KANAYA: What

JADE: i had to save her kanaya!

JADE: give her the chance to grow up as a normal kid with a normal life

JADE: not one where people would befriend her to get close to me

JADE: or fucking bark at her while walking down the street!!!!!!!

JADE: and jane had the resources to provide that

JADE: every scare weve had she was able to cover up

JADE: she literally controls the media for christs sake

KANAYA: We Could Have Figured It Out

KANAYA: Indebting Yourselves To The Second Coming Of The Condescension Was Hardly The Only Answer

KANAYA: I Was Right Here

JADE: thats true but

JADE: you could have said no

JADE: or worse

JADE: i can live with rose doing this because she wanted to see what would happen

JADE: but i couldnt stand the idea of owing my kid to the fact you felt sorry for me!

JADE: especially after the dave and karkat... situation...

JADE: i couldnt do that again

KANAYA: We Could Have Helped You If You Let Us

JADE: i needed a fresh start, not to sit around taking care of grubs and watching shitty romcoms forever and wasting away in an empty house!

JADE: i wanted to live!

JADE: and living here is already so hard

JADE: and not only because of the war or what happened to dirk or whatever the hell is wrong with john

JADE: the world is fucked!!!

JADE: and yet, despite all that, yiffy turned out to be so good

JADE: and she's mine.

JADE: yiffy exists because i needed her to.

JADE: ... shes the only future i have left

KANAYA:

ROSE:

JADE:

KANAYA: Jade I Recognize You Have Had To Sacrifice Principles To Survive

KANAYA: And That Is Hard To Live With

KANAYA: Even Now I Can Sympathize

KANAYA: But 15 Years

KANAYA: ?

JADE:

KANAYA: Even If I Didnt Want Her

KANAYA: She Was Already Here

KANAYA: So Why Make It Worse

KANAYA: Why Perpetuate The Lie

JADE: i...

[r0b0t1me]

"#sorry i can only make snippets of scenes and never elaborate on them#unless someone asked me to. huehue" i am begging. you to elaborate the "train me" sketch on the upper right 🥹 and any jr. hcs you have that u wanna talk abt (but only if u want).... also pls your coloring and expressions are INSANE but this is nothing i havent told u before!!!!!!!!! i just think your sketches have so much story bleeding out of them. its great

so funny thing about the train me one....

some of these are ideas i know ive talked about already, but im pulling a lot from idw where casey copes with fear/anger/insecurity by picking fights and attempting to be a vigilante. leos always the one who portals him out of jail and patches him up but the more i think about it, raph could help in managing his anger or taking it out in a more productive way (duo missions perhaps?), even if he cant unpack the mountain of trauma caseys got on his shoulders

i cant help it that the scene where casey cusses out leo is engraved in my brain forever. the kids a jones, on top of the constant violence in his life, anger feels like something that would come pretty naturally to him in order to cope* (i know he was raised to be a soldier, following orders and keeping a check on his emotions to carry things out, so i feel like the moment he doesnt have to fight a war and keep himself in line for the sake of other people anymore everything just kind of pours out of him) donnie has easily spent 1000$ in new sandbags for the dojo

*not that i think casey is inherently violent or always upset. but i think the kids a bit messed up sometimes from the. yknow the Everything

from riches and wonders by the mountain goats. casey jones, the restless ghost who cant feel at home

actually yknow what lets make this post a mile long who cares. i wanna explore casey hanging out with all the boys. i know i focus a lot on him and leo bc their dynamic is so twisted but i need to draw him hanging with mikey, learning to cope with self expression that he never got the real chance to do in wartime. him being around donnie and the two of them both learning they can support each other while still trying to protect their family in their own way (talking mainly abt casey helping donnie with his tech here, since donnies neurotic as hell abt security after the movie to me). casey getting to know raph in general, a living legend to him. and of course cassandra, something i was too afraid to touch on before but now i think im confident enough to try and tackle at this point

i dont think ill ever get around to writing a whole story but i know eventually casey finds stability. in my mind i see him getting a job where he helps people (something in a medical field, maybe). he has a good relationship with his family, and practically lives with them 75% of the time. leo is the one hes closest to, of course. he travels the world alone after a few years and cries over fleo never getting to see it, but knows that wherever his master is that hes at peace, knowing that at least casey had the chance

i have more to talk about but im running out of steam and im starting to get embarrassingly heartfelt the longer i ramble so um- (EXPLODES)

[rykno-gs]

Soup /gs

With Sumeru came Al/ha/itham and with him came K/ave/h

I havent written in awhile so here goes (3.7k words)

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(the parts from Kaveh’s pov was very choppy since i wanted to try to make it seem like he was disorientated)

also kaveh’s snezes were mostly in smallcaps because hes tired

-

Alhaitham was already pissed the moment he came home. Dishes stacked up taller than him, clothes strewn all around the living room, blueprints scattered across the floor, the culprit nowhere in sight.

Speaking of which, where was his annoying roommate? It wasn’t like Kaveh to leave the house this early into the day since all he did was go out and drink, with Alhaitham’s money, no less, and the bar did not open until night.

Perhaps Kaveh had actually found himself some work to do. Alhaitham felt himself scoff at that thought. The day that Kaveh really went out and got a job would be the day that Alhaitham finally plucked up the courage to confessed to him — never; impossible.

It was how it was, how it will always be. Kaveh would always do something to mess with Alhaitham, they’d argue, Kaveh would go and drink for hours, but he would always come home. Even if Alhaitham had threatened to kick him out moments before.

He blames it on his horrible taste in men that makes his heart beat so fast whenever Kaveh is around him, blames it on the fact Kaveh shines so bright; “Light of the Kshahrewar”. 

He blames it on the fact he had let Kaveh stay at his house at all. But he wanted it, wanted that proximity for reasons he could not understand. It frustrated him, these feelings which he couldn’t quite put a name to.

Why he felt so strongly for Kaveh escapes him.

But back to the matter he had on hand, his roommate would never learn to pick up after himself if Alhaitham just did his chores for him. It was still early, he could wait all day for Kaveh’s return.

And that’s just what he did, propping a leg up onto the coffee table as he read a good book.

-

Kaveh just wanted to lie down.  

His head had been hurting for a few days, and his throat had started to feel off since last night after his arguing session with the most infuriating Scribe in the whole of Sumeru, who also happened to be his roommate.

He had left the house in the morning after adding a plate to the tall pile of dishes at the sink, partly to piss Alhaitham off, but also partly because he wanted to head to the pharmacy as soon as possible to get something for his head.

Trust Alhaitham to be the only person he knows who does not have a stockpile of medicine at home on standby.

But they could argue more about that later, for there was a bigger problem right in front of him. 

“...”

“Out of Stock? You’ve got to be kidding me..”

The shop assistant looked at him apologetically, having sold the last bottle to the customer before Kaveh. And so there he was, back onto the streets with nothing left to do. Kaveh remembers feeling the same way until Alhaitham took him in.

Alhaitham.. Kaveh didn’t even know where to begin when it came to him. Everything the man said made sense, but yet it also did not. Sure, patterned curtains made no difference when it came to fulfilling their purpose, but plain ones were just so.. unartistic. It had taken a week of arguing for Alhaitham to finally allow Kaveh to install some new ones in his own room. 

Just thinking about the whole ordeal made Kaveh’s head pound a little harder. While he would have opted to head to the doctor, the bill would have exceeded his budget. And he would rather die than let Alhaitham know he wasn’t feeling well when he settled the payment.

Then, a thought struck him: a friend did say that the nearby Liyue Harbor had a pharmacy that sold many different types of medicine. Not like he had much of a choice at that moment, though. Right, it was just a quick walk over and back, simple enough.

And simple it was, until it started to drizzle, the weather as unpredictable as Alhaitham during this part of the year.

Ah.. there he goes again, thinking of that stupid Scribe every second of the day. Truly, even Kaveh sometimes did not understand what went on in that brilliant mind of his and his. But still, he longed to hurry home, to be near the damned person that tormented him with every step he took.

Dark clouds blanketed the sky, making it appear darker than it should, even this late into the night. Unconsciously, Kaveh reached up to rub his nose a little, feeling a light breeze drift pass him.

���Heh- Nn..hHaH’ Hih-hAtchuu’! snf.. hAH’tchH!!” 

He was shivering now, stepping carefully towards his front door. The half-a-day walk had left him more exhausted than Kaveh would ever admit. Alhaitham’s shoes were already there, not surprising since it was already way past dinner time. What was surprising though, was the light that still streamed out off the window. 

Subconsciously, Kaveh frowns. It was late, judging by how far the moon had risen into the sky. He hoped Alhaitham wasn’t once again pulling an all-nighter. Those tended to leave him tired and irritable for the next few days despite how much he denied it. While Kaveh would definitely not want to deal with a tired-tham, he also wanted his junior to look after himself. 

How stupid of him, he supposes, since Alhaitham could care less about the people around him, much less himself. And yet Kaveh still kept running back to him everyday, sleeping in the same house with but a wall between them.

With a sigh he turns his key with a slight sniffle, the small lion keychain wet from the rain.

-

Alhaitham hears the lock, and he almost springs up to answer it. It was way too late for Kaveh to just come waltzing through the door as if nothing had happened. But instead he chose to remain as unbothered as possible, staring blankly at his book.

The dishes would not clean themselves, Kaveh would have to do them. Yes, that was the true reason why he had stayed up this late, to watch Kaveh wash plates, that was all, nothing more.

The door opened with a creak, but the head of golden hair did not pop out to start a shouting match.

Behind the short hallway between the door and the living room, Kaveh hung up his coat and kicked off his shoes, not caring where they landed. Now that he as home, the warmth and dryness of it all made all his pent up exhaustion catch up to him. 

Kaveh sniffled, softly, bracing a hand onto the wall as his head started to spin. When was the last time he ate? Lunch? He ate a small bread for lunch. Dinner? He spent most of the day traveling to Liyue and back didn’t he.. Maybe there was something in the fridge he could-

“Hitc’Hh!! hH.. eH’ Hih- tchiw!! hAtcH’ngXt!! ssnf-!” 

Quickly, Kaveh pinched those away, afraid that Alhaitham would be alerted by his arrival home. He would hate to be seen in this state. However, as if on cue, Kaveh heard the sound of a book being slammed shut.

“Kaveh.” 

The voice sounded impatient. Had he done something wrong? He couldn’t remember. Alhaitham sounded more angry than usual. What was it? Think brain, think!!

“Kaveh. I thought I told you to wash the d-”

Alhaitham rounded the corner, arms crossed, but stopped when he saw the small frame clinging onto the coat rack. Kaveh looked worse than when Alhaitham had picked him off the streets. The Kaveh he was looking at now was pale, hair and clothes soaked through and stuck to his skin. Had Kaveh always looked this frail? 

And for once, Alhaitham froze, not sure what to do. To reach out or to observe? Which would Kaveh want him to do, which would he be okay with him doing? His fists clenched in uncertainty. 

Maybe he should-

“What? D- Did you.. snff! say something..?” Kaveh struggled to raise his head, the ceiling lights looking brighter than ever that they shone straight into his skull. He just wanted to lie down, badly.

Alhaitham felt his insides tighten as Kaveh picked himself up. Suddenly, all thoughts about the dishes vanished from his mind. “It’s.. nothing..”

“O-oh.. alright, I’ll go s-shH! shower then..” Kaveh mumbled weakly. Talking hurt more than it should, and it took all his strength to stumble towards his room without falling all over the carpet.

Alhaitham watched as Kaveh’s shadow disppeared into the room. The door was swung shut but not closed, and he caught a glimpse of Kaveh gripping the side of his desk to balance himself. Drunk? Was he drunk? It wasn’t uncommon for Kaveh to come home like this, an absolute mess, clumsy on his feet.

“Hih’hAtchh!! hAH’ngXXt!! hH.. h’ snff!! hiT’Dchw!!

“hiH’tcHhuu!! snf! nh..”

But something was different, wasn’t it?

Alhaitham stared at the small crack in the door, at Kaveh, who removed a small cylinder from his pocket. He watches as Kaveh shakes it, removing two pills. Medicine? So Kaveh hasn’t been feeling well. But how long has it been? Days? Weeks? Why didn’t he say anything about it?

He remembers back when Kaveh just got off the streets, remembers when Kaveh came down with a fever on that same day, remembers how Kaveh had struggled for his life to swallow even the tiniest bit of the solid medicine that Alhaitham had to crush it down for him.

So Kaveh was feeling that bad that it pushed him to take not one but two? How had he not noticed? In his defense, Kaveh had been acting as usual for the past week. Their arguments flowed as usual, as did Kaveh’s irresponsibility with cleaning up after himself.

Lost in his thoughts, Alhaitham heard Kaveh panting softly. He imagined how Kaveh would be behind the door, a palm pressed against his throat, forcing himself to pretend that there was nothing but water in his mouth, just water, just swallow.

He heard Kaveh choke a little, and was overcome by the want to be by his side, rubbing between Kaveh’s shoulders to tell him that everything was going to be alright and that he was there. But Alhaitham couldn’t move, so he watched silently.

-

Kaveh’s eyes were watering. It was one thing to take the medicine, but it was another to take it quietly. After muffling a few coughs into his elbow, he shoved the bottle to the far end of his table, behind the stack of canvas, just in case.

He reached for a piece of tissue, holding it against his nose as he walked to the bathroom. He needed to bathe and sleep off this cold, for he was sure that Alhaitham would question him about last night in the morning. Kaveh liked moments like those, where his roommate would ask about him, making it seem like he cared.

Kaveh liked to pretend that he did.

“hiH’hAtchh!! hH-Hh.. ah’H.. ah..” he sighed, rubbing the tissue a little harder. “Hah’nnh.. snff- hH’! ugnn..” He needed to sneeze, the bathroom tiles felt cold to his feet, his clothes were suddenly too tight. He had to get them off, but they were wet and clung to him. 

His train of thought was messy; the water was warm on his back. Kaveh hunched over in the shower, arms pressed against the wall in front of him, helping him stand up straight.

He gasped, desperate.

“hiH’IHh- hHH!! Snnff.. hH’ hAH-zZchww!! hH’Tchh!! hhH-aH’dtcHhh!!” The mist from his nose mixed with the vapour from the water flowing down his back. He shivered; not hot enough. He switched it off.

Back in his room, Kaveh toweled himself down shakily. How long would it take for the medicine to kick in? How long has it been? Was it morning already? Has Alhaitham left for work? Was he once again all alone in this house? His nose was running again, Kaveh noticed but didn’t care. He pressed a sleeve of his pajamas against his face, tunneling under the blankets.

Still not warm enough..

-

The walls of his house were thin, Alhaitham knew, and he heard everything that came from Kaveh’s room despite moving to the kitchen. He had tried to busy himself with the dishes (the responsibility being entrusted now to him), but that didn’t stop the thoughts from creeping up on him.

Kaveh is sick. 

His hands stopped moving, fingers squeezing the soapy sponge. That idiot. Switching off the tap, Alhaitham moved to the other counter, prying open the drawers for ingredients to make soup. He doesn’t know if Kaveh had eaten already or not, he also doesn’t know if Kaveh would even accept it, but it put his mind at ease.

Two clicks from the stove later, the soup was starting to simmer. Alhaitham carefully placed the lid on top, allowing a small gap for the steam to rise. It would be done in a couple of hours. In the meantime, he would pack up the mess that Kaveh left the living room in.

He started with the clothes, the same white shirt that he wore everywhere. The collar line was far too low and exposing in Alhaitham’s opinion, but he wouldn’t say that he hates it, being able to see Kaveh’s chest. The only problem was that everyone else could as well. He picked it up, moving on to the red cape that lay draped over the couch. The first time he touched it, Alhaitham remembered being in shock at how soft it was despite its sturdy appearance. 

It’s iconic red color together with it’s pattern and broad tassels made the cape look so much more than just a item of clothing. Maybe that was why Kaveh was so proud to wear it; he loved to steal the spotlight, whether intentionally or not.

He folded them, and moved on to the floor.

“Haitham!! What do you think of these?” 

Alhaitham could almost hear Kaveh’s voice as he crouched down to pick up the blueprints. “It’s a rough sketch of what I think a school building should look like!” Alhaitham remembers what had sparked that project. The two of them were walking around the city when a couple of children ran into Kaveh. Kaveh laughed and brushed it off, before watching them disappear into the school.

Alhaitham remembers watching Kaveh’s eyebrows furrow when he took in the state of the budling, all the beautiful features on his face scrunching up in disapproval. “Really, they ought to take better care of a place like that.”

The moment Kaveh reached home that day, he whipped out his pencils and started working. And when he was done, he was proud. “Haitham! Doesn’t this look way better?”

And when Alhaitham had scoffed at his masterpiece,

“What do you mean ‘design doesn’t matter’? Maybe to you it doesn’t, but to those students, I think it will matter. When children are still young, they are so filled with curiosity, and that dull school building doesn’t boost that at all! Think about it Haitham, making sure that that creativity within each child doesn’t burn out, that’s what education should really be about.” 

Alhaitham remembers being at a loss for words, remembers looking into Kaveh’s eyes to see the sparks within them. Pride towards the future generation of students, the same pride Kaveh had when he finally graduated, only to become bankrupt in the following years after chasing his dream.

Don’t you ever learn when to back down? Alhaitham feels a smile creep onto his face. He supposes he isn’t much different.

The soup is finally done.

-

“Mmf..ah.. nnhH’! snnf- snff!! hhH..ihh!!”

Kaveh feels himself being pulled out of sleep. Everything felt heavy, too cold yet he was sweating. His head weighed a ton, and his nose.. his nose-

“Hih’tchh! heh’zchw!! eh-heH’tchzw!!”

“hh-! eh’tchw! huH’ hh..snf!..nghn”

..wouldn’t stop itching.

He lifted a palm to his forehead. It felt warm. Warm because of the fever, or warm because his fingers felt like icicles? He didn’t know. His stomach made a sound, and Kaveh feels the feeling of hunger for the first time that night. 

Using his other hand, Kaveh pushed against the mattress under him, but his body didn’t rise. He felt weak and shivery. Maybe the blanket was just too heavy.. But he had no trouble getting out of bed this morning, so what was happening now?

He was tired, and sleep was dragging him down once again. Maybe if he tried hard enough, he’d dream of Alhaitham. Alhaitham.. he’d be strong enough to lift Kaveh up from the bed, from under these heavy covers..

As if right on cue, Kaveh heard a sharp knock on his door. He wanted to respond, to call out, but everything hurt. A second passed, and the door swung open, the light from outside just barely any brighter than his own room. 

How considerate that the visitor gave a second thought to his eyes’ sensitivity to bright stuff..

“Kaveh-”

The visitor was calling for him. Respond.. Respond..

“Mmhyea..?”

“It’s me.. uh.. I made some... soup- ..food for you.”

“Haitham..?”

Kaveh started at the doorway. He recognised the voice but not the words spoken. Alhaitham made food for him? Right when he was just feeling hungry? Right when he was just thinking of dreaming about the man? Maybe he was..

“Yeah, it’s me.”

..Or maybe he wasn’t.

Alhaitham pushed himself further into the room. He felt weirdly hesitant. The Grand Scribe, doubting his steps, a new experience for him. ‘Everything with Kaveh is always a new experience’ was the excuse he gave himself.

“I’ll just.. put this-” 

“heH’tchh!! snff!” Kaveh swallowed quickly, blushing. The sneeze snuck up on him, and now Alhaitham was staring.

“The.. t-table.. snff- would be g- good..”

Alhaitham recovered from his startle in an instant, gently placing the tray onto the desk. Kaveh’s voice was soft, very much unlike him. Under the moonlight, he could see the reddish outline of Kaveh’s nose, and Alhaitham felt his heart tighten.

“Are.. are you okay?”

“I’m- hH..hit’chhw! haH’ngxxT!! F-Fine..snf- why..?” Kaveh scrubbed at his eyes, avoiding Alhaitham’s sight. 

“No reason.” Alhaitham felt the words leave his mouth before hie brain could process them. Running away. “I’ll come back later to.. get the bowl..”

When Kaveh watched Alhaitham turn to leave, he felt panic immobilising him. Wait. No, don’t go, please.. s-stay.. “I need.. need-”

“..Need?”

“shit.. Need you to help me lift the spoon.. I can’t..” Kaveh felt his blush returning, or maybe it was the fever. He had said that out loud?! ahh- what was Alhaitham going to think?

“Okay.”

Alhaitham quietly moved over to the bedside, pulling a chair over. He wordlessly but carefully pulled down the covers to Kaveh’s waist, flinching when Kaveh shivered immediately to the cold air, turning sharply to his side.

“hH!! H’haH’tCHhuu! s-sorryyhH’ tchHiww! snff-” Kaveh had his nose pressed firmly against his sleeve when he turned back, grateful that Alhaitham chose not to comment on it, instead helping to prop him up using some pillows.

Kaveh watched as Alhaitham reached for the steaming bowl, cupping it with his bare hands while the other stirred its contents.

“It’s not hot..?”

Alhaitham didn’t answer the question. Of course it was. But how else would he feed Kaveh? Feed Kaveh. It was Alhaitham’s turn to blush. Thankfully Kaveh had his attention elsewhere, sleeve pressed to his nose, rubbing softly. 

“hiH’tchhu!! ouwch.. snff.. hhH-”

“Here.” Alhaitham cleared his throat, holding out the spoon to Kaveh’s lips. From this distance, he can tell how puffy Kaveh’s eyes were, and how they were avoiding him. 

Kaveh is just as scared as he is.

“T-Thank you..” Kaveh mumbled, the stuffiness making it hard to talk. The soup was warm, not too hot, not too cold; “delicious.”

“Glad you like it.”

“I’m amazed you can cook. snff! It’s not poisonous, is it?”

“Unfortunately not.”

Kaveh smiled, a little, and Alhaitham did too. Despite the moment they were in right now, they always found a way to bite at each other’s throats. That’s how they were, everyone in Sumeru knew.

But what were they really, to each other?

The bowl was empty before another word was spoken, say for the regular sniffles (and sneezes) that Kaveh would take between each bite. It was all too soon, and Alhaitham was standing up, probably to leave.

Panic. 

Kaveh didn’t want to be alone, but he didn’t want just anybody’s company either. He wanted Alhaitham’s company. The house was too big and his room was too cold. And so he reached out. 

“Haitham-!”

Alhaitham turned around, tray and bowl clutched in his hands. Kaveh was calling him, Kaveh needed something from him. What was it..? What was it? If he could, he would give Kaveh the world.

“Yes?”

“P-Please stay?”

And there it was, the unspoken words that were finally said. Such a simple request. ‘Of course’ Alhaitham thought. ‘Of course I’ll stay.’

“I will. I will be back after I wash these, alright?”

“Always worried about the dishes aren’t you, Haitham?”

Yes, I am worried, worried, but not just about the dishes anymore.

-

Kaveh watched as Alhaitham padded slowly out of his room. The defined muscles of his back poking through the thin shirt, as beautiful as they were the first time Kaveh laid eyes on them. Strong arms that he hoped one day would hold him. One day, soon.

“I’m sorry for always being such a mess-”

(And that you always have to clean up after me.)

“It’s alright. It’s the way you are.”

(And it’s perfect, I love it.)

He hears the kitchen tap going off as sleep welcomes him once again. But this time, Kaveh doesn’t need to dream of Alhaitham. Because he might have just became a reality.

-

When Kaveh wakes up the next day, his fingers were cradled within Alhaitham’s sturdy palm, the man in question seated upon the bedside chair, head resting upon the blanket, against Kaveh’s thigh, their hearts beating as one.

(end)

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tbh that felt more like a character rs fic then a snzfic but thats not rly for me to decide. 

i love these two so much and wna write for them abit more (when i stop being lazy)

ANYWAY ty for reading, and i hope you enjoyed that.

[racco]

Hey! How are you? I was wondering if you could do some headcanon about kayn in a relationship with zed's daughter? You can keep it sfw or add some nsfw (if you're confortable with it of course) have a great day!

Kayn x zed daughter! reader headcanons

Hi sorry for being inactive, it's hard to find inspiration for writing, I'll go through more requests eventually, also sorry no nsfw hc this time, I was drained after I finished writing this, maybe another time

Meeting him:

☆You and kayn met at the order of shadow, when zed brought him in you had not started training yet, zed wanted to settle in and make sure he has a safe place to protect his kid before he would start some training

☆Zed wanted you to watch him and kayn when they first started training, eventually this would go on for weeks. After enough time zed allowed you to join as well, you finally had a chance to talk to this shy kid your age too.

☆Although as years went by Zed started to separate you when training, he had more dangerous missions for Kayn and especially when rhaast corrupted him Zed wanted to keep him away

☆ Zed would only focus his training with you in mind becoming strategist, you, his daughter, would of course become the next order of the shadow ruler, but by then Zed would have made his order strong enough to not have his only child in danger fighting on the field , you shall only guide them of course and they shall respect you .

☆Kayn thought he wouldn't mind not seeing you this much, but truly you were one of the only people his age he could maybe even call a friend. But at the same time Kayn knew he was destind for something greater, he knew he will beat rhasst and become the ultimate weapon himself.

☆ Not being with kayn made everything so boring, most were scared of you or jealous for being so higher up in the order and not having to work for it by risking your life everyday

☆Whenever you could you would try to search for him or anything to do, until one night you were wondering through the halls and noticed punches being heard from a training room, you thought nothing of it until your mind drifted back to training around there with Kayn when you were younger and a nostalgia to see the place again rushed over you

☆The moment you stepped in you were greeted with a toned back accompanied by a long dark braid...and something that looked like a strange armour on this man's left arm

☆He of course felt a presence In the room, but when he turned his head he didn't expect to see the person he missed the most.

Your relationship:

☆ At first you both agreed to make the relationship a secret, although kayn would have preferred if it wasn't

☆ Kayns loyalty first lies with zed, which leads to most of the times you 2 meeting in the cover of the shadows at night so he wont have training to do + less chances of beeing seen together, he would come seek you at night and take you outside usually somewhere in a forest or a field

☆ Zed didn't catch on at first but he would sometimes wonder why you 2 always dissappear at the same time when he wants to see you

☆ At some point, way later after your relationship with kayn, Zed decided to have you two "re meet". He could now fully trust that Kayn can controll rhassts thoughts and that he has enough controll over the darkin, at the same time zed knew you have been up to something lately, perhaps meeting with someone late at night, so as a dad he got worried and wanted you and kayn to train so you would learn some shadow magic like the 'shadow step' that kayn masterd, just incase of anything to happen he would want you to escape easily, not that you weren't strong enough to fight, but yknow he's your dad.

☆ When Zed "re introduced" you 2, it was so awkward of course, trying to meet your boyfriend as a stranger you havent seen in decades

☆ That's when Zed kinda caught on, Kayn was looking way too cheery and smirking a little to much for there to not be something up

☆ Zed didn't want to go into to many questions, he thought maybe it's best that he shouldn't find out all the details and just leave you two with a " I see I was mistaken, you two already reunited long time ago"

☆ Late at night zed is feeling kinda awkward knowing his little girl is already dating for god knows how long and he never knew, at the same you dating kayn eases his worries a bit because he knows Kayn is a strong individual that can eventually take care of you and help you with the order of shadow

☆ After Zed left you two you didn't really know what to talk about, Kayn said what's the point of keeping the relationship a secret now, so you two don't always have to hide away from the order of shadow and kayn can now happily brag and tease you all he wants anywhere ( + family dinners are super awkward and Zed doesn't know if he should invite kayn too now)

[system-of-a-feather]

Recovery and Forgiveness

A bit of a positive healing related and focused ramble cause the newest Ted Lasso episode had me thinking about things (watch it, its got REALLY good mental health depiction) but I feel something - particularly in earlier stages of healing - that I could never really understand and that no one really ever explained in a way that didn't sound like therapist regurgitation at best and often really stupid toxic positivity was how the idea of "forgiveness" goes into healing.

I used to hate when people said "one of the best things you can do for yourself is to forgive" and what not cause it was something I grew up with that caused me immense harm and also was often said as if "forgiving" someone is something you can actually choose to do. You can't "forgive" someone out of just sheer will or logic or thinking. The action of "forgiving" is less an action and more a mental state, relative to an emotion.

I was watching that episode and it kind of made me pause and realize.... since when did we start forgiving so many people and when did we genuinely forgive most (not all, some are factually unredeemable and / or do not deserve it because they are still the way they were in the past) but at this point we can genuinely say we've basically entirely forgiven our mom, our overtly abusive middle sister, our fiance, our best friend, and even our dad for the most part - all of which honestly had done us a lot of severe harm in their own ways. Honestly, the only main abusers we "havent forgiven" is our primary CSA perpetrator and our oldest sister who has made no efforts to do better, reflect on her actions, improve herself, or even remotely take responsibility for her actions. And just thinking about that gave me some whiplash, because we used to be very vengeful - very grudge holding - very unforgiving.

And I'm still kind of piecing together how we even got here and when, but a thing I do know and I think is important to put out there for my younger self(ves) is

You can't make yourself forgive anything or anyone. As a result, you only do you not have to forgive anyone but you really can't even make yourself forgive someone if it isn't natural.

Forgiveness is not about saying "its okay" or that the hurt was gone. Some emotionally abusive people may have established through guilt trips that if you forgive someone, that you are supposed to never mention the harm they caused. That isn't forgiveness - that is repression.

Forgiveness is more about saying "what happened was in the past and it fucking hurt, but today is today and what is in the past is over and I am willing to let that past go"

Forgiveness doesn't require any action to go with it. You can keep that person your forgiven out of your life. You can welcome that person back in. You can return to something similar to what it was before the event. You can embrace that things are inherently different.

Forgiveness isn't absolute or a contract. You can forgive someone, but if they betray that and still continue to act the way they used to, you can take it back.

And even more so, forgiveness doesn't erase the hurt that you been through or the hurt that they have done. Forgiveness stems from an understanding of the pain that had been done, and (usually) a mutual understanding of the situation, how it happened, why it happened, and that it wasn't okay but that was the past and holding onto that keeps the future from building something anew - perhaps even far better than what was there before.

My middle sister spent our entire childhood directly abusing and terrorizing us. She physically hurt us, emotionally hurt us, isolated us and got our parents to regularly neglect us. She was horrible. She directly admitted and told us that she hated us from the moment we were able to speak and no longer a cute baby-a-live doll. We had cut her off for a good couple years, zero contact, zero acknowledgement, straight up rejected out of our life.

I forgot honestly exactly when or why we decided to break that - but I think it was following us repairing things with our mom a good bit and that then her word and unique circumstances combined with a random day when someone (probably Lucille) suggested we message her about real talk - perhaps it was about how shit Amy was and dumping tea or something with gender - but we ended up talking to her again

After a while, we both went through the wringer and we both came out the other end. We've dealt with our crap and honestly came to a mutual understanding even necessarily about the shit that we went through, but that we lived and were living through hell. We both went through so much and we both - at the point of talking - were just honestly tired of going back to that place. We were both too old, had too much in life, and too much we liked and loved and wanted to do than bring that hurt from the past constantly forward. We took ownership of our respective roles and honestly quickly built a really great new foundation that never had a chance to even exist around mutual radical leftistness and being the local queers.

She's honestly become one of my best allies and honestly, we get along really well. These days, I'm EXCITED for when she is in town. I want to do things with her. I call her from time to time to bitch about things, spill tea, and just chat. I appreciate her company and honestly, I love her as my sister. She is my sister, she is my family.

It was a similar situation with my mom, where Lucille dragged us against everyone else in the system being over it, to make us give her one chance ultimatum of "go to therapy with us or loose us for good" and it was fucking horrible first few months - but with the help of a therapist, we got to air out all the fucking hurt and pain that we had - we talked about the circumstance and learned to understand how we felt and how everything came to lead to the behaviors that brought pain and hurt.

We learned to understand and communicate with one another better. We learned how the past affected us and irreversibly changed us, and that while the hurt was not okay, that the irreversibly changed versions of us can still live and make something great in the present with what we have.

And these days? I actually go home to my mom sometimes to vent about stressful things and spill tea. We play board games occasionally. We are on great terms and while I still struggle with the concept and understanding of it, but I think she might be something of what a "mother" might be like. She's still probably more of a friend than a "mom" which was part of her issue raising us, but in the present moment, I'd take that over what was in the past especially since now - I'm an adult and I don't really need a mom so much as I need a friend.

I could honestly go with a lot of these and break them down cause there have been a lot and some of - if not all - of my most valuable relationships I have now I think stemmed from really shit places at a point and time and managed to both heal and bring a sense of forgiveness into the relationship.

Also hilariously, AT LEAST 85% of those relationships getting better like that were solely because of Lucille dragging our system since the rest of us are bad at it.

I dunno how to wrap this up so Ill just end it, but for some context to this post, I have a rule of thumb of healing and recovery, is that if I find myself reflecting upon and thinking on something positive and healing about our trauma and past, I gotta let it stew and flow until it ends and I should write it down just to make sure the moment is registered well.

[jedibongrip]

WHO LET THIS MAN IN THE JEDI ORDER PLEASE, also a little mind break never hurt anyone 👀👀👀

>:3c

under the cut cuz these ones are more ns4w

who let this man in the jedi order is where, instead of picking obi-wan to be his padawan after bandomeer, qui-gon decides that obi really isnt suited to the jedi way or to hard labour. and since he's a little stewjoni beauty (ie.. puthy), qui gon helps set him up as an apprentice in a ~ pleasure parlour ~ on a core or middle rim planet. the fact that he visits from time to time to check on his progress well... no one else has to know, especially when obi-wan is well trained enough that he can test out and see how well the training has paid off. it'll come to a climax (excuse the pun) when qui-gon visits obi wan with... his padawan, a handsome man, about to be knighted. (of course, all these years, qui gon told obi-wan that he simply didnt want a padawan or wasnt allowed. and now obi wan has to service the boy who got what obi wan dreamed of, to be trained as a jedi under qui gon.) i havent decided how this ends lmao if its cute or angsty or perhaps even... obi wan gets to go ape shit. idk. this one is all outline atm, so no snippet to offer :( but i'll take suggestions for sex acts that ppl want included in it lmao

a little mindbreak never hurt anyone is going to be my BABY i can already tell. it's an a/b/o fic where, following (a slightly altered events of) mustafar, alpha obi-wan bonds with omega anakin, and through various means (force suggestions, weird omegaverse bond logic etc) basically induces some form of amnesia in anakin, basically to make him forget that he fell. anakin (who lost both legs and suffered some burns) thinks he had some terrible accident at the end of the war, and though he forgets a lot of things and is often confused, he has a wonderful life now. he has three wonderful children, a nice home in the midrim where people don't talk about the war, he gets to take care of his home all day. except he keeps having weird thoughts and urges and for the first time since he can remember, his alpha can't fix it. basically it'll be a lot of feminization, weird sex, and yes, mind fuckery as obi-wan tries to keep anakin in the light through dick, children, and suburbia

snippet:

After a second, Obi-Wan looks at him, and the hard look behind his eyes melt away. His fingers start moving again and he smiles. “Oh, dear one, I know what this is.”

“You do?” Anakin asks, hopeful. If his alpha knows what’s wrong, then he can fix it. Obi-Wan nods, leans down and presses a kiss to Anakin’s temple. It makes him feel warmer, fuzzier.

“Of course, darling. You’re getting empty nest syndrome much too early again.” He chuckles as Anakin frowns and shakes his head.

“What? No… No, it’s not that.”

“Of course it is, Anakin. You were just like this when the twins turned three, remember?” Anakin does remember. He remembers how, whenever he had a moment to himself, he felt… angry. How Obi-Wan started pre-slicing food for Anakin after seeing how he would stare at the kitchen knives. How he would get lost in his own head for hours, ignorant to his babies asking for their mommy to play with them or get them a snack or bathe them. How he had uncontrollable fantasies of leaving, abandoning his mate, his children, and his peaceful life to… do something, go somewhere far away. It scared him. And… Obi-Wan fixed it, stopped those confusing and hurtful thoughts by giving him another baby. “This started when you started weening Rey, right?”

Shyly, Anakin nods. She’s only two, but she transitioned to solid foods much faster than the twins, often refusing Anakin’s milk in favour of her favourite snacks. It… hurt, a little, when his darling baby rejected him, crying instead for fruits or eggs or oatmeal. Obi-Wan gives him another soft smile. “Well, there you have it. Your baby is getting bigger and you miss having a little thing on your tit all day.” A hand reaches over and palms Anakin’s full breast. He gasps, arching his back, pressing into the pressure. “Less than three years since I bred you last and you’re already aching for it. Aren’t you, sweet omega?”

Anakin’s head is cloudy with want, with need. He is aching, yearning, desperate for… a baby, apparently. Yes, he wants another baby. He wants his alpha to give him another baby to take care of, to love, another being whose entire universe revolves around Anakin. Now that he knows, the thought consumes him. He whines, pressing himself more fully against his alpha.

“Please,” he begs, learning up to pepper kisses against Obi-Wan’s neck, pressing his tits against his chest. “Please, Obi-Wan, alpha, I want it.”

“It?” Obi-Wan teases.

“Fuck, a baby, another one. Want you to breed me again, fuck me full. Always want to be full of your kids.” Now that he’s said it, Anakin finds it to be true. He always wants his mate’s babies in him, around him, on his hip or on his breast. He wants to raise a little army of Obi-Wan’s children.

Obi-Wan groans and presses a sloppy kiss against Anakin’s mouth. His broad hand continues to paw at and pinch his sensitive nipples. “Such a sweet omega,” he whispers. “So good for me. Of course I’ll give you another baby, another kit. I’ll give you anything, Anakin. Anything to keep you sweet and happy.”

[ankhisms]

ok one lovely person said they wanted to read the writing practice i mentioned being tentative about sharing so here <3 i have some notes and thoughts as well included. since the dont reblog function is still broken pls dont rb this thanks

as a disclaimer i am very rusty with prose which is why im trying to practice it at all since ive mainly been writing poetry and not any prose for the past few years since i felt discouraged about writing prose but now im trying to get myself to practice again. also one thing im aware of is that i have a tendency to accidentally switch between tenses so if you notice that yes i know its something im working on. also both of these arent finished they have gaps between action and thoughts which ive noted in the text

for this first one i havent written the beginning establishing the setting and everything but the premise is hiromu has a dream where he and enter are sitting at a cafe in paris and shenanagins ensue. well not really shenanagins its just a conversation i think their dynamic is interesting and i wanted to explore it in a more neutral not battle related setting so thats why i wrote this

---

(beginning and descriptions of surrounding add here)

hiromus narrows his eyes, "did you hack into my dreams?"

this causes enter to scoff, "really, red buster, you wound me," he rests his chin against his palm and explains, "i havent hacked into anything. you called me here."

"thats ridiculous," says hiromu, blunt even when sleeping.

enter smiles, "oui, ridiculous, perhaps,  but it is true none the less. it would be rude of me to refuse an invitation, dont you agree?" he pauses, and leans over the table to add, "besides, i wouldnt lie to you- at least not here."

hiromu doesnt like that one bit, nor does he believe anything enter could possibly say. still, its not as if enter had invaded his subconciousness and just started torturing him with computer cables. compared to the more avian related nightmares hiromu had, this was pretty tame.

he briefly tries to recall anything he could have possibly read before, even in passing, about how to wake yourself up from a dream. unfortunately for hiromu the only thing that comes to mind is how to wake up a buddyroid from sleep mode. too bad he doesnt just have some kind of power switch like nick or usada. but maybe something similar to that could work, some kind of jolt to his system. people pinch themselves when theyre dreaming, right? or was it something about holding your breath? hiromu cant remember which one is supposed to work, so with a deep inhale he starts pinching his arms.

to enters credit, he doesnt immediately laugh like a madman upon seeing hiromus cheeks puffed out while he frantically pinches his arms. the most he lets out is a quick snort, before reaching over the table to pat hiromus cheek, "your manners are awful," enter says, "weve only just said hello and youre already trying to wake up. you cant possibly hate me that much, mon cher."

the hand against his cheek is warm. of course, most peoples hands should logically be warm to touch, but not enters. the projection of a human shouldnt be warm. did jin ever feel warm? hiromu doesnt feel keen about playing back all the moments during battle when enter had gotten close enough to possibly feel some kind of heat. thus, thinking about his avatar team mate is the better option. except he cant recall any time jin had ever felt warm either. does a dream offer an avatar more humanity somehow?

hes thought about it for too long perhaps, because he hasnt replied and enter is starting to look at him curiously, and so hiromu decides he can dwell on it when hes actually awake. he lets out his breath and swats away enters hand with a scowl for good measure. enter feigns an exaggerated pout, but then he settles back in his seat all the same, keeping his hands to himself.

hiromus cheek still feels warm and itchy, but hell be damned if he lets enter know something he did got under his skin. this too is like a battle, the enemy can find weaknesses even in the smallest of movements. he restrains himself from scratching his face, opting instead to glare more at enter across the table.

his enemy looks different in the cerebral parisian landscape theyve found each other in. for one thing, hes actually wearing civillian clothes rather than his usual long coat or any of his attempts at disguising himself. with enter perched opposite of him wearing a dark turtle neck and a caramel sweater, hiromu is struck by the jarring realization that the avatar almost looks like a normal person. almost, if one didnt already know that the man sitting there was made of code rather than flesh and bone.

eyeing him carefully, hiromu thinks that he catches the slightest glitch at the edge of enters face, an abnormality that is gone by the time hiromu has noticed it. enter may have decided to wear something a little more reasonable for this encounter, but he still isnt fooling hiromu. even in a fashionable sweater theres something off about him.

the rest of his attire aside, he does still have those ridiculous goggles pushed up against his brow, because of course he does. he would fit the part of a cafe loving paris tourist better if he had a silly little beret instead of his trusty eyeware, but hiromu doesnt particularly feel like pointing that out. seeing enter flounce around in a beret isnt exactly an enjoyable thought at the moment.

(add something here)

"ive heard about people going to paris for the first time and getting sick from the shock of how dirty it is," hiromu says, "you should be glad it doesnt smell here."

enters nose wrinkles, "dont say that, you'll ruin my appetite"

"so you have an appetite? its not like you need to eat, right?"

the avatar shrugs, and carefully picks up his fork, saying, "i may have no need for food to survive, but that doesnt mean i cant enjoy it." enter takes his time with slicing off a chunk of the lemon cake between them, and continues, "theres things humans dont need but do none the less, non? your lives are so short after all, why not chase after every little pleasure."

seeming satisfied with himself, enter takes a bite, eyes closed with an exaggerated look of bliss. whatever emotion it is that enter has been trying to elicit from hiromu, hes just growing more annoyed, rolling his eyes and pointedly turning his body away from the cake.

(add something here)

hiromu stands up with a jolt, and the screeching sound of his chair breaks what little illusion of idle cafe chatter this dream had left to offer. he fumes, fists clenched with his gaze set firmly on enter, who only barely looks up to offer a smug smile.

"we," hiromu spits out the word disdainfully, "are nothing alike. theres nothing to compare between us."

despite the outburst of his dining companion, enters expression remains unchanged. if anything, hiromus insistance upon distancing himself has only amused enter further. he laughs, throwing up his hands half heartedly, as if they were old friends having a casual debate rather than mortal enemies with their blades always at each others throats.

"i suppose we should leave it at that then," enter reaches for one final bite of cake, clearly enjoying himself, "this has been lovely, you really should invite me more often, ma puce."

"go to hell," hiromu tells him, and lunges to try and land a punch against that awful smile.

by the time hiromus fist reaches where enters face would have been, the avatar has already disintegrated into a burst of code. orange numbers and the distant sound of laughter linger for a moment in the air, before hiromu blinks awake in his room.

---

this second one i wrote before the first one and im still not very happy with it and might scrap it and try to rewrite it. i couldnt decide what point of view i wanted to write it from between third person pov or vaguely enter talking so it feels muddled to me. this was mainly a kind of train of thought because i had and still have a lot of thoughts about the avatars and what it means to be human and what it means to be an avatar and if they can feel things etc along with enter and escape being their own people and having their own identities and lives. but i feel like i didnt exactly get all the thoughts that i wanted to convey across very well so again im probably going to rewrite this at some point lmao

--

86 billion neuron cells, with another million billion synapses connecting the spaces in between, all sending information to and from the brain, the extremities and sensory organs having gathered data from the outside worlds stimulation in order to help the human machine function.

  from ancient calculating tables and tally sticks, to early machines reading punch cards, to alan turings first thought of the modern computer, you could trace an avatars lineage back to the very first time a human began to count just as easily as you could to any of these.

enter and escape are not any of the doomed researchers that crossed the gap between dimensions, whos data was cleanly picked apart from their miserable mortal bones and woven back into the code of their forms. perhaps you can not fault those same humans for their squeamishness at the thought of any person being undone in such a way, let alone a family member. really, nature has functioned like this long before the first digital computer ever graced the earth with its code.

when a deer falls dead in the forest its body becomes food for the rest of the life among the trees, and in time its flesh decomposes and turns to soil. another one bites the dust only to offer up a meal for the starving masses. you are born, you die, and someone finds a way to steal from you long after youre gone. c'est la vie, as we say.

think of it, dear reader, as such; a thousand photos lie before you of humans. pictures of people from across the world, some of them seeming familiar and some of them with faces unknown to you. you can thumb through as many as youd like, but in the end you will always come to the same realization that somewhere, within these people, are bits and pieces of yourself. this one, looking off camera against a gray sky, has your nose. this person, leaning against a bridge and failing to strike a good pose, has your eyes. the next person will have your smile, ectera ectera. you get the picture- ha.

even if you were not flipping through a book of old family records you would still spot bits of yourself in people far away and long dead. this, mon cher, is how i see best fit to consider what it means to be created from composite data, for i assure you one need not be an avatar to be formed in such a way. you have been strung together from bits and pieces of every person your ancestors ever loved.

love, ah. thats another subject we must discuss, sooner or later, i suppose. can a machine love? really now, i wish you would find something else to ask. anything else would be a more stimulating topic of conversation. why must we agonize over such messy details? humans simply can not stop themselves from philosophizing until theyve got nothing left to make a philosophy out of.

what does it matter if a machine could or couldnt love, when plenty of stinking humans have never even thought to act on the very principle they obsess over. love. let us not get sidetracked by such nonsense, we still have other aspects to examine.

delete that last input, page back with me, now think again on the subject of data, and of rebirth. the doomed researchers are not escape, nor are they enter, just as much as you are not the person who first gave you a specific gene in your dna. the researchers were a sample for an experiment greater than any they had ever run through before. do you get it now? do you understand? of course you wouldnt. humans are foolish enough to think they are one of a kind.

   forget about if a machine loves, just what can an avatar feel? if their coding is to be equated to the human nervous system, then is it so hard to consider that they too could find the many vices of the earth pleasurable? enter cursed himself for spoiling messiah, having given the virus too much of a taste of just how splendid human suffering could feel. he was taught pleasure too soon, and greed was already something he knew from birth. enter should have known better than to offer up a plate of food he could not continue to harvest sustainably- not yet, at least. especially when the one gobbling down that harvest throws a tantrum the moment its all gone.

really, is it so terrible to ask for a thank you once in a while? you would think that after devoting your existence entirely to a single being, you might get a few bones thrown your way. in this we could draw another parallel between the humans and machine, where enter is scorned by his messiah in the same vein as humans praying for salvation from some unforgiving god.

i am drifting off course. forgive me, you see a machine can ramble just as easily as a human, non?

---

ok yay thanks if you read all or any of this honestly i appreciate it. id love any feedback anyone has including constructive criticism from writer friends but i just ask that you maybe try to be a little gentle with me and remember that im very rusty yknow but i do still appreciate any thoughts or helpful tips thank u again mwah

[raisinchallah]

like its very interesting to me the movie makes the younger out gay character (idk how to refer to them cuz they have different names in the book and movie) i guess more unambiguously not attracted to men vs the book its more complicated and probably also reflects the changing notions of what "lesbian" means in the intervening years between the book being written and the movie coming out and like making the older professor womans marriage a bit more clear cut and perhaps cliche in the ways it was bad and why she wanted a divorce when the book offers a clearer look into like the much deeper guilt and also just legacy of depression and trauma of all those couples married during ww2 and also man this one part of the book just stuck with me evelyn describing her neighbor a woman whos husband was also off at war and how close they had become and the woman had a young baby and when news came her husband had died how close her and evelyn became to cope and like both caring for each other and the baby sleeping in the same bed and how that was at one point the happiest evelyn had been tho they never spoke of their few moments of intimacy tho they eventually grew apart when evelyns husband returned and she began to reflect on that in another way after she begins her relationship with ann idk makes me think about all the tiny details of gay life things that dont really get recorded and whatever and simply the ambiguity of all that also just funny and wild to me in the movie they get kicked out of the house for merely kissing at the ocean vs in the book theyre fucking in the attic for weeks and havent gotten kicked out yet and i guess the way that rejection becomes a far earlier focal point in the movie which feels more just in line with common tropes and wildly disrupts the development of the romance like they feel like they have nothing in common nothing that really draws them to each other in the movie i do also find the whole way evelyns spends so much time pouring over books on philosophy and morality quite interesting idk a lot of it feels kinda subtle but all slowly alters the bigger picture

[thatdreadbitch]

Snippet Saturday

Realize that i havent posted a snippet Saturday in a while so have some mid-ME 2 shenko fluff Word count: 591 ~~   Cassandra looked back into his eyes, her own welling up with tears only for them to be blinked away. No. She couldn't let him know how much this was killing her on the inside.  She wasn't even sure what she wanted him to do right now. A part of her wanted him to push her away and call her the traitorous bitch she had come to expect from the Alliance at this point; she wouldn’t even blame him. As far as the public knew, she was a Cerberus agent now and he was a respected Staff-Commander in the Alliance and the second human spectre, he could be risking everything just by talking to her. But he just stood there, his eyes as soft as when they had met that night so many years ago.   She swallowed the lump in her throat, fighting back the urge to sob into his shoulders and invite him to hold her tightly and never let go; the same he’d done the first time she said goodbye their first night together before she went to the Villa.   His arms around her was something she needed more than she cared to admit, and now that she was standing here within reach, she almost craved it. She knew she wouldn't be able to leave if she stayed much longer though, she wouldn’t want to; and she had a mission to do, one that the fate of humanity and the Galaxy rested on.  Perhaps against her better judgment, she let herself be selfish for the first time since waking into this nightmare.  Wrapping her arms around her fellow human Spectre’s waist, she had forgotten just how much she missed him. Her lips trembled as she let the tears flow from her eyes, burying her face in his shoulder. She held onto him as though it was for dear life.   Goddess . . . Spirits . . . Whatever was out there she prayed that this moment wouldn't end, that she wouldn't have to leave his Embrace ever again. For a moment, it was as though they were the only two beings in the Galaxy. She wanted to keep this moment, here, forever with just the two of them. It was something she wasn't sure she deserved, the promise of a soft place to crash land when this mess was over with.    She couldn't tell you how long they had stood in that embrace. Seconds? Minutes? Hours? However long it was, it wasn't enough for her. She looked up at him, pressing her forehead against his as he caressed her cheek, his hand gliding smoothly against the cracks in her skin as though they weren’t there.   His eyes said everything that she needed to hear, and her eyes said the same. A fire stirred inside of her, one she admittedly hadn't felt since this nightmare began months ago.  “Shepard, we need to go; now.” Nihlus’ voice snapped her out of her thoughts. As much as she hated to admit it, he was right. It was well past check-in time with the Illusive prick and if she didn’t report back soon her cover was in jeopardy. After a last kiss goodbye, she unwrapped her arms from around Kaidan; silently promising to fight like hell to see him on the other side of this mess.   There was sadness in Kaidan’s eyes as he held onto her hands, slowly letting them go as she went to walk away from him.   Cassandra kept looking over her shoulder at the human spectre as she reluctantly walked towards the Cerberus frigate until he became lost in the crowd of people coming and going.

[cyanlastride]

kinda crazy how i can just lie in bed and be tired for hours at a time without falling asleep. just like. thinkin.

i wonder quite frequently how well i can trust my memory. when it comes to people's emotions and attitude toward me especially. like, im pretty sure on one of the last days of grade 12 my close friend of six years said to me that they didnt think they had been a very good friend. and i remember brushing it off, and reassuring them that they had been a perfectly good friend. i was in a good mood that day. in truth, i do wish that they hadnt pushed me away as much as they did, but also i was a weirdo and a creep in highschool and my friend was well within their rights to distance themselves from that. despite that, i do still think they were quite a good friend. and i hope they know that. i hope they know i still care about them. i hope they dont hate me for doing what i did to one of our mutual friends. i wouldnt blame them for hating me, but still.

but see, i have no idea if any of that is actually true. its the way i remember things happening, but maybe thats just what i wanted to remember. maybe there was some other context that ive since erased, that completely changed the vibe of the conversation.

maybe we never ended up understanding each other. i just wanted to understand her, and be understood myself...

and then its gone completely, if im not careful. an entire bond, lessons, moments, joy and pain spanning 6 years, decontextualized. left to drift. i lose what that person thinks of me, and start losing the parts of me that are theirs. its horrible.

so i try to hang on to my little story. id rather keep them in my mind as a lie than lose them. and slowly, over time, that story shifts and changes and blurs and falsely sharpens, until its a completely new ship, and i havent noticed a thing.

i think my mind will die before my body. it terrifies me how fragile both are.

i hope, my friend, that you are doing well. i hope that i get to see you again someday, and that our paths cross for long enough for us to become friends again. perhaps, this time, without all the pain and confusion. please know that i dont blame you for any of it. if it was anyones fault, it was mine.

i suppose, in a sense, i hope you dont think about me the way i am currently thinking about you, like ,this. you owe me nothing, least of all your time. but then again, i do want your time. i hope that i am thought about by others. its selfish. selfish.5,c,i,io,,

[evamoere]

A confession - after years

hey ovra, how you doing lately? havent heard from you for long and im sure im missing out a lottt

i think weve talked about our past a lot right bhahah and everytime we done that i felt extremely warmth so today tonight let me enjoy that for a moment, i wanted to get back to the past for just a bit more :)

we meet on a random quite night at engrp that time, i clearly remember i was just get into this world and trying to fit in badly i started sending bio a couple times and somehow somewhat i cant recall the memories about who reach one of us frist but im sure the thing that we talked about was music all the time. things were going smoothly we getting close we glued to each other so bad we goin thru downhill for years but here we are, we make it. even though it isnt that easy even though at the end we were nothing, just kind of accept each other the way we are.

but today perhaps id break your heart in the most painful way. all these time i wonder will i ever find a language to speak of the things that haunt me the most..now i have, i have found it. you remember when we decided to exchange each others real life identity? at that time i was really really excited and scared. im happy that id finally got to know you more and yeah im scared worried and anxious. idek what should i say to you about me, i clearly know that lying was not a good solution to make you stay but what can i do? im to scared to lose you im afraid id lose everything just because im trying to be my self. so then i decided to told you that yes i am the man that u wanted all along.

not a single word can explain my heart without yours. i go to bed and fall asleep wishing you were here all the time. yet i know u can only appear in my dreams. we’re happy in them. we can dance in the kitchen as much as we can we can read book together in the floor we can watch the show together we can stare to eachother’s eyes as much as we wanted too. my heart physically aches without your soul and my mind is full of the words i never got to say. the words i wish i can kiss onto your lips and engrave into your skin. i love you more than my body can take, for everytime i hear your name my heart breaks all over again. i think of you hundred and hundred times in a day. I suffer in my loving i hope you understand.

"My greatest pain is that you never got to know me and never wanted to know me."

what is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil. i feel miserable ever since it takes me a while to gave you my ‘own’ picture, name and things cause i think about it more and more and yeah i told you that i was the boy from jogja who happened to live with her grand mother. i mean its all true the lies is that i was a boy and i ride a big big motorcycle daily. honestly i only use it a couple times cause it was my bff’s thing. remember the boy who i send it picture to you? it also was my bestfriend. the same damned person. cause you know i had no idea of who other person i should be.

pretending to be a guy was never easy for me, i feel like i was hurting my own pride and it breaks my heart in many ways cause man i swore i to you i wanted to be free free to tell you how my days really went thru how my friendships was really like i want you to know all of me but theres a wall that i made it self wich prevent me to be myself. i loved you like no other so i dont know where i went wrong my heart still yearns for you, the place that i belong.

for a long time i wanted you to know about me, and today the day has come.. i dont know how to feel about it. but the only thing i surely feel is relived. to be free is often to be lonely, this haunted me all the time.

i may not be that expressive, but i want to thank u for being my comfort person. you've been there for me when no one else was. you became more than everything that I've ever asked for, there is no one better than you because you bring the best in me, you became my home, my rest, my solace. you've helped me get through some tough times without u knowing it. you've been there listening to my rants and struggles without you invalidating my feelings. I really value and appreciate you more than u'll ever know. and if at some point, I'm gonna lose you, i will still be grateful.

because once upon a time, i had u by my side. and that's all that matters.

letting you ‘go’ was probably the hardest decision i ever made knowing well how much I still love you and how much i want "us" to work.

i know that i am ruined and that im ruining others.…. i am i am a bad person. please hate me i would like that more than being left in silent.

[javic-piotr-thane]

oh interesting! i can’t read books at the moment so i havent read any of them. that makes a lot of sense ab leadership. i like my little hc that they made it more communist - ianto did behind the scenes stuff/correspondence w thr queen etc, tosh was coordinating from the hub, & then the other two also pitched in for other causes (nice and vague, well done me hahah). i actually wondered when i rewatched KKBB if they had spread out the leadership & then the writers were like ‘haha nope!’. ive read a lot of nice ianto takes over fics which is probably swaying me a bit lol

i actually dont mind broken! its a bit strange but i think it fits well enough. its more that i dislike that it (kind of) limits the options for fan-decisions on when they sleep together first. while lots of people are happy to wiggle canon about and create wonderful new things, lots more tend to stick w canon as is (or major points) and i think defining when they first sleep together gives it a bit more weight and impact (even belatedly) on the episodes (& fanworks). i mostly enjoy the plotline otherwise (although the sleeping together did catch me off guard the first time!)

thats true about fandom shaping it. i am still very much on the fringes - i think i follow you & perhaps one other tw blog - just because i find fandom a lot of stress and i’m in my early 30s so lots are younger - but i’m working my way through the available fic (well, mainly the ones on ao3 ik there are many on LJ that i am gonna have more trouble finding later lol) and that probably is shaping my view of characters. some more than others, i suppose. but i have been finding a lot of ooc representations (for me) which makes me think perhaps theres a fandom-intent on portraying them. i cant quite word this!

i’ll do a comparison - i consumed a lot of HP fanfiction, it was my main fandom for fics for a lot of years, and my first fic ever. and now i cant tell you for certain which portrayals are true to canon, and which are based in fanon. because i stopped engaging w canon (for many reasons including the most obvious) and now i’m left wondering - eg was that how neville was in the books or is that how fandom has shaped canon into their own desires and interpretations. and thats not to say thats a negative! because i think fanon is incredible. but i do wonder when i read a fic without that background, without the decade of engaging in fanfic as it shifted, if i am reading it as OOC when it’s actually in character for the fanon version of the character.

i hope that makes sense, i have a lot of trouble with coherence lol

you're making sense!! this is a problem ("problem") for many fans i think, which is why engaging with the source material (when possible/comfortable, obviously, i know which situation you're referring to) can be important if you really want to keep your interpretations close to canon. (you might not want that, or not care, at least in particular instances; something something Sherlock actually makes 100% of the tea on the show with his name and not John.)

as for fic that feels OOC to you; if you don't like it, i recommend you learn to spot it early and avoid it. simple as that. god knows i went through that phase in my early time in this fandom XD you have to read a bunch to figure out what you like and don't like in the first place, i think, but after a while it tarries out and might only shift slightly afterwards - and you know what to avoid and what to seek out.