#i havnt felt this bad 4 a While

[romanarose]

Life update if anyone cares.

I only post this bc i was posting my depressing shit for months and a lot of people were reaching out in concern <3

cw sever depression, self harm, suicide, csa, SA, all the bad. but also lots of good <3

TLDR: Despite a god-awful semester, i got all a's and b's

Everyone thats been following me the last few months has seem my personal posts about how fucking awful things have been for me.

I've dealt with fact I can no longer deny that what happened to me was CSA, despite being on a milder side of things. That sparked an absolutely spiral. I didnt sleep for months which made things worse. School, I got an F on a midterm and i NEVER get F's on writing assignments.

Work had its complications and i quit and then rescinded that quit two days later. I was so constantly depressed in my dorm my roommate literally told me i needed to go to the basketball game with them bc i was sitting in a depression hovel none stop. I only went to services twice this whole time, one shabbat and once for Rosh Hoshannah.

I burned the ever living fuck out of my fingers, yall remember that one? lol.

In novemeber i had relapsed so severely on self harm i thought i had accidentally killed myself. I should've called 911. I thought I was bleeding out and/or going into shock. I then worked myself up more by going down pages of the internet about medical shook and people dying from it. that did not help my heart rate. I couldn't stand, I couldnt see straight for a while.

I could not afford an ambulance or a hospital stay as i am uninsured and only ork 25 hours a week. not a lot of money.

All this happened and I didn't miss work. This is not a brag, this is me not being able to makegood choices for myself.

Finally, thanksgiving break hit. Thank fucking god. I WANTED to use those 4 days of absolutely nothing to get to my TWO BIG RESEARCH PAPERS I HADNT STRTED YET but alas, I was SICK. I was so sick, in fact, and so hoped up on cough medicine for 3 days i was incomprehensible.

I was so physically ill, i couldnt even think about how mentally ill i was. I slept and slept and slept. And by the time sunday hit, I felt so recharged.

My failed midterm was so bad and so not me my professsor reached out to me. Im close with him (in a v appropriate way lol, hes a bruce springsteen fan too) and i felt comfortable telling him essentially that for a few months there things were severe, and I really should've gone in for a 72 hour hold multiple times and i was not safe. through a few lines of resources, I ended up back in therapy bc my school added a new therapist that is a woman (i stopped going last year bc i didnt like seeing a man)

I like my new therapist.

Anway, in about 2 weeks I wrote 2 12 page research papers, 2 book report papers, 1 science paper did 2 presentations, took 2 finals, wrote 2 more finals with essay questions, and at the end of it all, not only did I not fail any classes...

I GOT ALL A'S AND B'S! Which means my gpa is still high enough to renew my scholarship for my last year

I am so fucking proud of myself for accomplishing all this despite suffering so fucking badly. I havnt felt pain like that in years, just agony.

I had a down turn again over christmas bc my siblings were literally ass, upto and including making fun of me for not ating (i am multiple accounts of sexual trauma from several people, so im scared of dating), making fun of my eating, and my sister slapping me and my older brother hitting me. Was a bad time. But for right now, im in the place im staying for break (all january) im back at my old day care and they love me, and olive garden at this store has been going great

Im hoping next semester to be better, im hopful at least

Anyway, thank you so much to everyone who has supported my writing has supported me through these times. It makes me happy that i came her to share my silly little moon knight x reader series, not really intending on writing a whole lot, but next thing i know, i have friends and a lil community. so thank you <3

[cold-arrow]

Doctor’s notes, Book 5 part 13

| Skyward / The Icespires | summary, things of note since last entry: boarding ship, destination broken gift, Sir Angelo's insights dwarven city, the king and his double directions, A visit from Varan. the Yak-Folk | 1 / 6 | its been quiet. too quiet for a while now. Even with Sir Angelo filling some the of the deafening silence. it feels… foreboding. I still wake up each morning, if not in the middle of the night, terrified. But I don’t even remember any of my dreams, or nightmares. I am… concerned to say the least. If When – She -- comes back again. I… don’t know what I am gonna do. Or if ill be able to even do anything usefull. Our audience with the damned king only further proving how useless I am. I try to keep myself busy, but I don’t have much to do or distract myself with. I… I just have to keep going. I can not stop. Even it the weight…  It just gets heavier. by the day. Even if the others lessen the burden. Still want to do something to return th apqklkgsht maybe that’s something I can preoccupy myself with.

| 2 / 6 | things went better then expected when we boarded the ship. The crew was… still distant as expected. but… it didn’t feel, or seem as bad as last time. Lym, has been staring daggers at her brother though it feels like. Or... it’s hard to tell. She hasn’t talked to him yet. And kept quiet thusfar for the most part. Just waiting and observing. …  I gave our directions to the captain. Though it was a bit of an awkward conversation. I don’t know if that’s just me though. or how I am. Or my scepticism, of everything being deceptively alright on the ship. Or… I don’t know. Everything “seems” fine thusfar. But I guess only time will tell, once we’ve actually set sail. and settled in again on the ship. * the captain was a bit confused by the lack of direction or specifics for our destination. I… tried to be as clear as I could, and that we atleast needed to go to the Icespires, northeast of Sundabar. But, without knowing the exact location, It’s a bit difficult appearently. I will have to either discuss with Baras or send him to the captain instead, as to what were gonna do once we arrive the mountain range.   And where we’re gonna go, once we get there. The prophecy wasn’t really specific as id like it to have been in hindsight.

| 3 / 6 | I havnt heard any yelling from Lym, or her brother yet. Which, is a good sign. And he still seems to be in one piece. So… judging by how Lym seems to be in a much better mood. Or at least not as worried as before, i guess things went well (?) for the most part. -- I expected sir Angelo to be sea sky-sick, the moment we set off. and I prepared some nausea meds for him just, in case. But, he’s made of sturdier stuff that I thought. And mostly is just excited and curious about the whole flying cart thing. He’s been haunting the gnome twins relentlessly, and bombarding them with questions every opportunity het gets. But… I don’t think he’s realized yet. That there are actually two of them, and that when one gets tired of his endless stream of inquires, the other one takes over. I am… unsure if I should tell him. -- I think I should be able to utilize either the ship’s onboard forge, or the fire elemental engine, to start working on the small gift I had In mind. I should have everything I need, and ill probably opt for the elemental to help me out, since it seems kind of appropriate. -- it broke. I don’t know whether – She – somehow manifested and did that.   Or if she;s just forever cursed my luck. But… it broke, beyond repair. And I cant even fix them. I… was hoping to – do and take care of -- this small gesture. As a  thank you. But I guess im not even allowed to do that.   I could buy a new later perhaps. Start again. But… It felt important, atleast to me, to do it now. I guess it will just have to wait.

| 4 / 6 | Lym managed to cheer me up a bit ( bless her heart.) She probably picked up on the fact that I was even more depressed then usual. So she offered to try and teach a bit of Infernal. Which I very much welcomed the distraction of. It’s… quite a challenging language to learn it seems. Possibly because it’s feels like the complete opposite to celestial. Like in almost every linguistic aspect. And I’m having a hard time following her explanations sometimes as well. her teaching style is a bit more… intuitive, then logical. Perhaps its because she grew up learning the language. Unlike me, who is just some middle-aged bloke, with more tools then words for a brain unfluent in pretty much any language besides common. But, Im taking good notes. And her instructions on pronunciation  are actually quite a bit more intuitive then I would have thought. I dread our future lessons of grammar however. but ill see when I get there. -- had a… curious interaction with Angelo. Which was Infuriating and amusing at the same time. We tried to… “edecuate” feels like the wrong word. enlighten him? Or provide a different perspective on why unmarried woman aren’t inferior or weak at all. or lesser. though he seems good natured and usually intends well. The years of doctrine that he’s seems to have been subjected to, from those in Gauntylgrimm. They are tenacious I guess. We tried: Explaining it to him. Which went about as well as you might expect, he… isn’t the brightest fellow. So, I thought I should perhaps give him a demonstration instead. And gave him one of my alter-self elixirs. Once he’d drank it, I simply told him to think of a woman in his live. And… he changed into pretty much a female copy of himself. His mother apparently. I guess her bloodline runs pretty strong. (including herself.)  He changed into Lym as well, at somepoint. And I suggested maybe doing some physical exercises, to prove that woman are equally strong if not stronger than men. But…. It didn’t really get the point across sadly, I don’t think. And he actually agrees that woman are in fact strong So I still don’t understand why… or what exactly the belief or issue is. Is it the unmarried part?? *ah! …. I forgot Baras knows infernal as well. maybe I could ask if both of them could perhaps teach me some stuff from time to time. Cause I fear that Baras’ approach might be a bit too logical, in his explanation. So maybe the both of them cancel each other out?

| 5 / 6 |

  not much happened on our journey to the icespires. I havnt really done anything either. Don’t even know What to do after the ??? broke The main question is, where to we go from here. Do we just land the ship and go by foot, and try and look for tracks or something. Or do we just hope we get lucky and maybe spot a fire giant heading down to their forge.

I don’t remember who it was ( been particularly tired the last few days, but someone suggested we should perhaps visit a nearby dwarven settlement. Or city. I think Citadel Adbar was the name of it

Sir Angelo seemed once again, impressed by what the surface dwelling dwarves had built. But he still claims that I could never compare to his home of Gauntylgrimm as well. I… guess he has A lot of pride for his city. Once our airship landed. We were greeted by some guards. Who actually seemed to recognize us somehow. Actually addressing us with “The Giant slayers” and all that. But also messing up Omrick’s name again. which is ironic, heh. They were slightly disappointed to learn that “Omrick” was his actual name, and not the heroic one that they’d initially made up or misheard. But they nevertheless led us to the city, and mentioned that the king and his council… would like for us to have an audience with them. (I… was having flashbacks to how our previous invitation went, and was a bit hesitant.) But it went better then expected ( ? ) it definitely was a… strange interaction. Baras mentioned and told us a bit about the ruling body of the city, or the “Kings” as he put that. And what we could expect. (But, it did seem like he was holding back on something.) When we actually arrived. We were… enthusiastically greeted be a, rather young King. And a gathering of crotchety advisors, who were trying to lead and guide the most conversation, the best they could. But, were constantly interrupted and “silenced” by the king talking over them. Who was barging ahead with the conversation as he pleased. he quickly asked us to deal with the fire giants, and retrieve their fellow dwarves, and captured citizens. Promising us great wealth and powerful magical artifacts should we succed. Lym, who lead most of the conversation, quickly and cleverly guided us to an agreement. So… right then and there we agreed to the king’s offer, to something we were already gonna do. I guess we just profit? The advisors kept trying their best to delay the conversation. And try to arrange for a follow up meeting, so they could take some time to discuss things. But the king immediately agreed to it all, before any of that could really happen. And he simply told us we could come back later, to talk a bit more about the details of our assignment. Until then, we were to be given a tour of the city. Something which the advisors initially wanted to use, as a moment to discuss things. But we quickly left them to their squabbling, and took a quick glance around the place.

…

Angelo handt joined us thankfully, and was send out on an early tour of the city. Ans was led to a decent tavern. Where he had been drinking with some new “friends” he had made. Who were clearly just using him for his money and free drinks. It seems that he is loaded. and has no really concept of money or of being frugal.

but we managed to chase of his drinking palls, and enjoyed a nice warm meal, before going back to the king and receiving a bit more info on the whereabouts of the fire giants. Including a few maps of the area, and info on where their scouts had last been seen and disappeared.

which im a bit concerned about.

we didn’t stay long in the city after that. And quickly headed back to the airship to set sail once more. But in the meantime, Baras had informed us that Apparently… the actual King had died. And that this was just a doppelganger, placed there to replace him. Temporarily? The uh… the old king had died in some great battle, along with both of his twin sons. But the official story, was that one of the sons had survived and was now the new ruling king. One to be puppeted, and controlled by the advisors. Which is kind of morally ambiguous ill admit…

But what the advisors didn’t realize, and is secret that Baras had found out through Dave. Is that the replacement king is not just a lookalike. It is a actual Doppleganger. As in the shapechanging monster….

I am not really sure how to feel about this. Both the puppet king placed there by the advisors, that now want to rule the city. And the Doppleganger that is disregarding their instructions, and doing his own thing. But atleast… the dopple is, or has good intentions? It seems ?? like, at least they are trying to help, and have the giant issue taking care of. And wants us to safe the people of his city at all cost. Unlike the advisors, who seem to be more worried about who actually rules the city. for the most part. So… I think I prefer the dopple over the other one. I mean… as long as their intentions stay good, that should be fine right? I… guess we’ll see once we return. Perhaps.

| 6 / 6 | so Varan dropped by. he seemed to be in a hurry though and didn’t stay long. After an impressive entrance, and dropping of a letter for Baras. (from Dave I presume ) he quickly departed once more upon his Griffin. But not before almost sweeping Lym of her feet. This might also be the first time that Lehel has actually met the guy. And even with the scarf, he didn’t seem…. too enthusiastic. Which is kinda ironic. I quickly shouted my thanks him as well, for retrieving my stuff and all that, as he flew of on his Griffin. But he mostly just seemed to be there for Baras  ( and Lym. ( who is surprisingly Popular I realize. Good for her though. It is very much heart-warming to see, in my opinion. Though I do somewhat pity her brother. ) ) … whilst we were arguing about something, either about the village of yak-folk or its where-abouts or whatever. We didn’t realize it at first when sir Angelo mentioned that he’d spotted – these rather large, individuals. Or large Yaks? Asking us how tall and yak-like the people actually where, that we were looking. A bit confused, but soon realizing that he might have found or the spotted the village. We quickly headed over to the railing of the ship as well to try and spot the large Yak and the people he was pointing out. I uh... I understand his question now. the village of yak-people, or yak-folk. They are actually, Tall. Humanoid. And Bipedal Yak-Folk... Not too dissimilar to minotaurs in all honesty… I guess the prophecy was quite literal in hindsight? We are about to land and meet with them, but they don’t really seem hostile yet. We just have to make sure that they do actually become hostile, once sir Angelo… Fuck. He has already jumped of the ship We havnt even landed yet!  

[gresiniracing]

.

[ash-is-not-trash]

Okay my thoughts on The Batman. This isn't like a review or anything just the ramblings in my brain while I watched the movie.

1. Selina Kyle chews too much bubblegum

2. I like The Riddler a lot more before he got caught. He was still fine but they perhaps tried a little too hard to make him unhinged. But I liked the ominous air he gave the movie. The real villains for me were the mob bosses and corrupt city officials. The drama of them was the highlight.

3. There were two moments of acting really stuck out for me for Robert Pattinson's Batman. The first was after he punches Commissioner Gordon and gets to the roof of the precinct. He runs up on the edge of the roof and he stops suddenly and gasps. It's weird to be so thrown off by a superhero character reacting to almost falling off a building as scary, but I think most cool mysterious type supes are usually portrayed as above that kind of stuff. I would image the scene would go with Batman getting to the roof and immediately jumping off and activating his sugar glider suit thing. But they show him hesitating instead and having to think about what he does. Hes not some prescient godlike character that's always 10 steps ahead of everyone everytime he is on camera. The next one is when they find Annikas body in the car. He looks genuinely shocked and horrified. Again, this seems like a normal response but it's not what I expect from a superhero movie. If I was trying to guess the reaction based on the script I would've said he would see the body, close his eyes and bow his head. A cool measured response that still shows sympathy. But he does something different! It just stood out to me.

4. I like the amount of Commissioner Gordon that we got. I like Jeffrey Wright a lot as an actor and I liked his interactions with Batman.

5. I'm sure like a lot of people, I liked the detective angle of the movie. It feels like a real breath of fresh air from other Batman movies despite him being billed as the worlds greatest detective, the movies havnt given us too much of that yet. The gothic architecture was beautiful. The film noirs beats were great, especially the "he's my father" reveal. And I liked the sound design as well.

6. Penguin car chase. Loved. Also the makeup they did for the penguin was amazing. Do I think they could've just cast someone that looks like The Penguin? Absolutely. But regardless, I'm always excited to see good practical effects makeup. It moved so well with his face. Ve Neill would be proud (if she didnt have a hand in it, idrk)

7. I think the Joker tease was a little unnecessary, but I may just be tired of movies so blatantly setting up for sequels.

8. I liked the progression of Batman going from someone who hurts bad people, to someone who helps people. That's the batman I love and it's good to see him helping out in such mundane ways at the end.

9. I liked that they allowed the melodrama to just be. Is the "I am the shadows" line a little corny? Sure. But they dont apologize for it, or try to meta humor their way into making a joke of it. This movie is earnest and sincere in the ways I wish other blockbuster superhero flicks were. This didnt feel like it belonged to the DCU. Maybe in the same universe as Joaquin Phoenix's Joker, but it doesnt have to be. And I like that. I dont think that DC should focus on having a U. I think Marvel has already cornered that market and in doing so has made all of their movies so tonally similar that they run together and have little distinguishable about them. DC could be different. Tell standalone stories in tones and genres that highlight the character or story they're telling. Detective Batman movies, keep the funny Suicide Squad, a Booster Gold character piece, a horror/thriller movie with The Question. Just my opinion DC.

10. And finally, this one is short but I liked that the city of Gotham felt like it's own character in the movie. I think that's a big reason why I felt like this movie could tie into The Joker movie if it wanted too because the Gothams they portray feel like the same place to me, just years apart of course. Gotham in the Christopher Nolan movies might as well have been New York, but this was Gotham for sure.

[randomsevans]

Positions

Ransom Drysdale x Reader

A/n I dont make smutts but I know that this would be amazing that way . But I'm sorry I dont do them but i hope some REALLY FLUFFY ransom will do for now

Remeber you can send in a song request with a character

Requested @cheeseburgersstuff

Heaven sent you to me

I'm just hopin’ I don't repeat history

You had have your heart broken way too many times for you to remember. All by the same fuck boy types . You had promised yourself that you would mature up and not meet and fall for any other fuck boy . Just at that time you made that promise you had no idea that the biggest rickest trust fund fuck boy was about to woo his way into your life. And make you fall harder and fast then anyone else .

Boy, I'm tryna meet your mama on a Sunday

Then make a lotta love on a Monday (Ah, ah)

Never need no (No), no one else, babe

’Cause I'll be

The sun blazer threw the curtains as you stared at the ceiling. Remeber the events of last night . It had been a nice Sunday evening that you , Ransom and his grandfather was spending together. You had tried to make it a regular thing so Ransom could began to build a relationship with his family . He didnt want to do . Hi REALLY DIDNT WANT TO .but he would do it for you . So you thought you start with the person he hates the last and already has a decent relationship with . Harlan . It was about the 4 vist you think. And you were all laughing away at Harlan telling a story about baby Ransom on how he would run around the halls but naked (no change there ) and how his mother would just send the maid after him.

You hadn't meet the famous Mrs Linda Drysdale and your not sure if you want to . Sure shes your boyfriend mother and you still havnt meet her yet after a year . But by the stories she was no good women . Which seemed strange as Harland seemed as nice as anyone and although Ransom isn't perfect. God knows that. He has a good heart .

The laughing was cut short and there was a slam at the front door and a "Father !"

Ransoms eyes nearly pop out of his skull as his shoulder tensed up. While Harlan only took a deep breath before saying "in here " you heart stopped there and then . Oh no

"Arrr there you are.. Hugh what are you doing her e ?" A tall women with short hair and black formed glasses come stomping in the room .

Ransom pulled a face at the name but then quickly responded with "what does it look like I'm spending time with my grandfather "

Linda only chuckled and made her way over the three chair we were in "what you ran out of your monthly allowance already ?" She laughed at her self . Unknownign to that yes Harlan in a way was giving Ransom money now but instead of allowance he was now working in blood like wine .

Linda come and stood right in front of me her smug smile wiped of with a nasty look "theres no need for you here get back to work while a speak to my son and father "

You were in shook did ... did she think you were the help . You didnt know what do other then to stand up as you did a hand caught your wrist .

"I dont think so baby sit back down " Ransom said softly his eyes looking up at you untill he turned to his mother.

"And you never speak to HER that way again "

Switchin' them positions for you

Cookin' in the kitchen and I'm in the bedroom

I'm in the Olympics, way I'm jumpin' through hoops

Know my love infinite, nothin’ I wouldn’t do

That I won't do, switchin’ for you

You felt bad after then with Ransom taking you home you told him after breaking down that if he didnt wont you know more he could let you go . Ransom broke at your words . And told you time and time again how much you mean to him . He showed you to

You went to turn over after beening lost in your morning thoughts it wasnt till now you realised that the sheets next to you were empty. With a fuzzy mind and bed hair you quickly put on a rob and checked the bathroom . No he wasnt in there . Maybe his office no . You decided to go downstairs and as soon as you stepped foot onto the steps you smelt it. The sweet smell of pancakes .

As you reach the final steps and rounded to the kitchen you were quickly lifted of your feet and put onto the cold counter.

"There she is .." Ransom said softly moving your hair out of your face "hows my princess this fine Moring ?" He asked with a wink untill his face dropped in panic "sore ? Did I.."

"No no I'm fine ..." you quickly said placing a hand on his chest to slow his heat beat he admitted once his actually calmes him down . "I'm just hungry " you giggled .

"Oh well good . See I thought the smell of pancakes would get you out of bed ?"

"Did you actually cook these ?" You asked

"Of couse " Ransom answerd rather quickly

"Like in the kitchen with floor and eggs ..."

"Yes in the kitchen..... and well with a packet but I had to add water so ..." he had a pout as he was waiting approval

"Looks like your switch positions Ransom " you giggled

Perfect, perfect

You're too good to be true (You're too good to be true)

But I get tired of runnin', fuck it

Now, I’m runnin' with you (With you)

As you both sat silent eating away stealing glance at each other once in while like two teenagers with a massive crush. Ransom realised that for the first time ever in his life he was in love and there isn't nothing he wouldnt do.you for . Posistions and all . Your perfect for him and his perfect for you . His fuck boy days were well over the minute he met you he should of know he was a gonna then. But as he sat there looking at you bed and your morning glow Ransom made a promise he would have a perfect morning like this as often as he could with you till his dying days

Switchin' them positions for you

Cookin' in the kitchen and I'm in the bedroom

I'm in the Olympics, way I'm jumpin' through hoops (Jumpin', jumpin')

Know my love infinite, nothin' I wouldn't do

That I won't do, switchin' for you (Ooh woah)

Cookin' in the kitchen and I'm in the bedroom

I'm in the Olympics, way I'm jumpin' through hoops

Know my love infinite, nothin' I wouldn't do (I wouldn't do)

That I won't do, switchin' for you

[scripttorture]

1/? I have a character who has been caught up in a war between planets ever since he was a child. He was out into hiding from the age of 10 to 16, before watching his younger brother killed by the person prosecuting them and elder sister sell her planet (she's heir basically) to save his life and swore herself loyal to the person to save herself.

2/? (She isn't loyal, but she'd be killed otherwise.) The character is then sent to grow up on a different planet, with his mother who figureheads a resistance against the people who took the characters sister and killed his brother. That's basic backstory continuing the character eventually gets captured again, and it taken to a prison. The character is tortured in the prison bc he killed several very important people and cut off the hands of another. 3/? Its seen (by the torturers i suppose, or at least the woman ordering them to do so) as rightful punishment. I havnt quite hashed out exactly what the torture is other than he definitely by the end has rather severe nerve damage in his hands from the shackles and chronic pain/weakness in one of his legs from something or another. Anyway the characters sister was put in charge of this prison, 4/5 and has no choice but to stand by and watch as the character is tortured. She does her best to make sure he isn't killed and the character knows she has no choice but to let them hurt her bc she is just as much of a prisoner as him, albeit in an entirely seperate way. She could stop the torture, and she could get him out, but she would be killed for it and he knows it. Im just wondering if he would blame her, 5/5 because she is in charge and could stop it. But she would be killed and it would likely end with them both dead. She cares for him when she can which isn't often bc she isn't exactly allowed too. Would he blame her I suppose? She has never hurt him, but lets it happen.

-

Alright I understand what you’re going for here.

 It’s not the kind of situation that’s common enough for there to be systematic studies. Most of the time torturers and their victims don’t have a close relationship. It’s much more common to find cases where they were strangers or acquaintances prior to torture then close family or friends.

 This doesn’t make this a bad idea. It just means that there aren’t definitive answers. I’m working from a handful of anecdotes and extrapolating from other things.

 Even if this was a more common situation I don’t think you’d find many definite answers because individual variation would probably play a huge role.

 Torture changes things for survivors in a lot of unpredictable ways. While we know the possible symptoms what any individual ends up experiencing is unpredictable. And how well people cope with mental health problems, and how that in turn impacts their relationships is dependant on the person. Someone’s personal experience, friends, support network, work, general knowledge and a host of other things can effect these sorts of outcomes.

 Having that person also be tangentially involved in the survivor’s torture complicates things even further.

 What I’m trying to say is that there are a lot of plausible outcomes here and I think that makes this a writing question rather then a realism question. So the real focus is: what works best with the character?

 Blame is definitely possible in the scenario you’ve created but it doesn’t have to be straight-forward or simple.

 For instance the character might blame her while knowing logically that there’s nothing else she could do without putting both of them in more danger. And that could make him feel conflicted about blaming her, possibly feeding into self-blame as well. He could openly blame her, or he could hide his feelings for a variety of reasons.

 He might feel angry, that she’s ‘safer’ or that she can’t protect him. Or just because she ‘stands by’ and watches him at his worst. He might even come to hate her.

 But it’s also possible that he wouldn’t associate her with the torturers or guards and would view her more as a fellow (though perhaps favoured) prisoner. He might pity her. He might feel sympathetic towards her plight.

 He could plausibly have no strong feelings towards her at all.

 Whatever emotional response you think is best it’s important to tie it to what’s come before in the story.

 However you look at things he’s been away from his sister for a long time. It’s not clear to me how much time they spent together growing up (they could have been apart since he was 10 from the sounds of things).

 If they spent a lot of their childhood apart they may not have a close relationship to begin with. I don’t think that would make a particular response more likely but it could mean he has a less intense response to her presence generally. If they weren’t close before then he might not feel her presence is particular significant.

 If they were close then I think it’s a good idea to look back over the story. Read their interactions again and try to get a clear picture in your mind of what their relationship was before.

 Whatever happens you’re writing the process of how that relationship changes. And it’s really helpful to have a clear idea of where you’re starting from first. I personally find it helpful to have a clear idea of where I want to end up as well but some people prefer a more exploratory style where they find out where the characters end up as they write.

 It doesn’t matter which approach works better for you, what matters is that the intervening steps, the process of the relationship changing, are clear and understandable to your readers. And preferably pack a heavy emotional punch as well.

 So if blame is the result you want (if it isn’t use this as an example and apply the same process to the emotional response you want) think about what aspects of their relationship could feed into that.

 If they had a competitive or slightly antagonistic relationship then it might feel natural for him to place some blame on her. After all it’s probably an established pattern from their relationship. If he saw her as a protector and relied on her to keep him safe then this might feel like a huge betrayal.

 If they had a really loving, tender relationship then you might want to lean in to the illogical nature of the response. It might even be a good idea to have the character acknowledge (internally or verbally) that this isn’t a sensible response. And yet this does not make the feeling go away.

 With a more distant relationship did he feel like she betrayed her people or her family by ‘giving up’, regardless of how desperate the situation was? Or did he (as a kid raised in the rebellion) mostly view her as a prisoner?

 If he saw her as a prisoner and felt pity for her would that vanish as she stands by while he suffers? Or would it seem to confirm what he already thought; that she’s helpless, powerless.

 Find some part of their previous relationship that you can tie to this new set of feelings. Or acknowledge that it’s not a sensible response and have the character deal with more complex feelings as a result.

 Mostly try to resist the idea that there’s a ‘right’ response for your character to have.

 Try not to suggest in the story that there is one ‘proper’ response for a survivor to have. Because they are a varied bunch. People can live through more or less the same thing and come out with very different attitudes or perspectives as well as symptoms.

 The response you write should be the one that works best with your characters and the story you want to tell. Don’t feel you must use blame. Instead think about whether it adds to your story: does it create interesting character moments, obstacles for the characters or feed into the plot?

 You’re the person who knows what’s best for the story and what will work best with the characters. Be open to multiple options. Take your time and think through what works best.

 For the character himself it’s possible (may be likely) that he’d already have some trauma symptoms before he’s captured.

 I get the impression you’ve probably already seen the Masterpost on common trauma symptoms, but here it is for the new readers. :)

 For the physical injury pattern you’ve got multiple options.

 I think that really severe nerve damage suggests something more then shackles. Unless something went wrong.

 The easiest way to get both injuries in your character would be a suspension torture that was more common historically. Victims had their hands tied together in front of them, were hoisted anywhere between a few feet and two meters in the air and then dropped.

 This causes nerve damage in both hands and could cause breaks or fractures in the legs. Either could lead to chronic pain.

 Suspension without the drop would still cause nerve damage in about 15-20 minutes.

 Nerve damage is less common with restraints but it is still possible. Ratcheting cuffs that can tighten are more likely to cause nerve damage, especially if they’re applied too tightly over a long period.

 Other dangerous things that can happen with those sorts of restraints being too tight- Broken wrists and reduced circulation leading to painful swelling in the hands (look up ‘finger milking’ in my tags for more information).

 Over longer periods (multiple hours with the cuffs tight enough to cause swelling in the hands) blood clots might form and that uh… really dangerous. Basically if large blood clots start forming in a limb due to reduced circulation then they either block the blood vessels (which kills the limb and leads to amputation) or the clot gets swept back into the body when the restraints are removed. The clot usually then lodges in the brain or the heart causing a stroke or a heart attack respectively.

 I’d say suspension probably works better for your purposes.

 Standing stress positions can lead to chronic pain in the legs. But it often also effects the back and usually effects both legs.

 Falaka might work. It’s beating the soles of the feet with an implement. Depending on the implement it can be clean, scarring or even lethal. With a harder implement like a wooden stick it can lead to fractured or broken bones in the feet.

 But even when falaka is performed in a ‘clean’ manner it can lead to chronic pain. It causes a thickening of the tendons in the soles and also causes tiny bone fragments to detach inside the feet. It’s unclear how long these bone fragments stick around but they’re detectable by MRI for a few months with the right method.

 You could also just go with the idea of the leg injury being the result of a specific attack or accident. A broken knee perhaps, after a beating or a fall. Not all injuries in torture scenarios are ‘deliberate’, in the sense that they weren’t necessarily intentional. Because torturers are not as in control of the situation as they’d like people to believe.

 I think I’ll leave it at that for now, but if you have any further questions don’t hesitate to come by when the askbox is open. :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[madbunny1010]

I love Garnet, I love that SU has portrayed a lesbian couple on a modern show that wasn’t overly sexualized or constantly tragic. What I never liked was Garnet as a character is super bad, like extremely bad. She was created out of Ruby and Sapphire running away and forming into her once they felt comfortable with one another it’s shown that their relationship was slowly progressing and they where falling in love with one another. But then Rose says “DONT QUESTION THIS, DONT EVER QUESTION WHO YOU ARE.” Which to them was taken quite literally to the point where they couldn’t be away from one another for more then a couple seconds with out flipping out. There relationship was never really shown as anything but constantly literally being on top on another and being in constant contact and never giving one another space. If Sapphire didn’t care about something and Ruby did POP no more Garnet till they kiss and make up. Now we see Garnet spilt in half again and FINALLY Ruby and Sapphire are going “do we really constantly have to be fused together to be in love?” In a human reference it is kinda the same when you’re dating someone and you have to take them everywhere with you, or tell them everything you’re doing, it comes off as very creepy and controlling. Why do you have to tell your S.O literally every single little thing you do? Why can’t you go off and be alone for a while? Just cause you wanna be a cowboy for a week doesn’t mean you can’t love and think about your S.O while doing so...you literally don’t have to be in the same room as one another constantly, your relationship will not fall apart just cause you go out with out the other one or if you need some alone time. I thought SU was going to have that be the big arcing message of like “Hey just cause they defuse and aren’t Garnet for a while doesn’t mean she’s gone forever, she will still come back but sometimes Ruby and Sapphire deserve to be alone.” But instead it seems like they got to “Hey just cause they don’t fuse into Garnet doesn’t mean she’s gone forever!” And then just went “AW FUCK AW FUCK HOW DO WE GET GARENT BACK RIGHT NOW.”

I love that Ruby and Sapphire didn’t fuse again right away, I love that they are getting married and Ruby says “so even if we are apart we will still be together.” Like that was adorable but now it’s up to the writers to either go “Garnet 4 ever actually” or “Some time’s Ruby and Sapphire are just apart for an episode.” To be honest this is the most unlikely they will probably literally form Garnet again after getting married and they will drop this entire arc like a bad habit, much like Amythest’s entire character from season 1, or how Garnet started as a robotic sorta cold persona and is now literally just a goofball like the rest of them. Like when Pearl shouted “WHAT WIL LWE DO WITH OUT GARNET?” I literally was like “what the fuck have you BEEN doing? You guys havnt gone on missions like you used to, you havnt been doing shit that needs a ‘leader’ for like 3 seasons now!” And also seeing how the series is ending slowly and painfully I doubt we have enough time to really suddenly now give Ruby and Sapphire their own personalities and stories...

[zach297]

1. I see this top image illustrating the dryness of the drought. You see the dust, the hot sun, everything looks dry and dusty. By showing the dust floating through the air, air so dry it can create a fog of dry dust, combined with the use of warm color, it helps show the point that the text was making about the drought. This helps me visually think about what the text is talking about. In California we have bad droughts, yet I don’t see dust flying around and sand everywhere. By seeing this image I get perspective on just how bad and bone dry this area is. 

2. The next image is a child receiving medical treatment for malnutrition. This illustrates the aspect of the article talking about kids going hungry. But it portrays it in a light that evokes feeling and emotion towards the kid. He looks sad, and the use of a blurry background helps you focus in on the kid front and center and bring attention to his facial expressions. It helps me engage with the text more by evoking a feeling of compassion towards the child. I do not just think, yes of course the children will go hungry, but instead I feel terrible as I read about it and then see a child and what they feel and look like while going through it. 

3. This next image is the most powerful I feel. Like the picture before this illustrates the aspect of the article talking about kids going hungry. But in this image it portrays it in a slightly different way buy really bringing attention to the malnutrition part. Showing how the kid is so hungry you can see his rib cage, his head looks huge because of how skinny and tiny his body is. This image helps me engage with the text by showing to what extent these children are starving. We often say that we are starving if we havnt eaten all day, but this brings in a whole new perspective to that saying

4. This last image while it is still powerful, I felt did not entirely relate to the article I felt It could have been a image or something else entirely. Nonetheless, I felt this represented the part of the article where it said it affected over 10 million people, and it showing a old and young person shows it does not discriminate. It affects everyone young and old. It helps me engage with the text by giving a visual representation of the types of people it can affect, They also look like they are getting ready to travel with their bags on, showing how they have to walk a long distance to find water. 

I felt the third image with the starving boy was the most powerful image. Usually children are given resources before adults and to see a child starving shows how even a young child does not have enough to be living healthy. 

[chumpmagump]

so i havnt come here much.  clearly im writing this for myself, because its just a place i want to store all the meaningless crap i write so that one day when my journey ends here on this p l a n e t. Some of my friends (ha what friends lately) and family (dysfunctional) and maybe some exes (lol u suck a bit and may or may not have influenced past 5 years of my life) can look at it and think.. well whatever they want to think. 

Lately i have felt an immense amount of numbness mixed with the often to occassional feeling of anger and sadness and manic about things that have happened to me in the past. Its like i need to somehow release the stuff that made me feel i wasnt in control of my body, my mind especially and my direction. for the longest time ive had nightmares about sexual assualt and running away from things and in general just bad things. Why? i dont know, the only reason i can think of is the inetrnalised trauma from what my mum went through, and seeing way too much on TV as a kid, and growing up in a climate where rape and assault are almost normalised because you expect to see it on the news just about everyday. andddd i dont like that.. 

Another thing is, wanting to start a youtube channel but feeling like im too ugly or something. Being afraid. It sucks to be able to watch endless channels and then deep down want something for myself but scared to manifest it.  am i fucking lame or what? :-)))))))) shoutout to my friends who have barely contacted me over the past 3 weeks of the hell ive been going through (that i couldnt talk about with them) especially J, you’ve really gone out of your way to avoid me at tropfest and then just completely not make plans to properly catch up again ( and no a hardcore study session doesnt count??? we wouldnt even be talking???).

i know i need to make new friends, but its been so long i dont even know the frick that works. do you., remain coy or do you straight up ask to hang out

i dont know!! the !! rules!! but i would REALLY like someone to hang with because im lonely as hell, but strangely i dont feel alone. Im just like meh, why the heck would i wanna hang out with people who dont try for me. Rather hang by myself and bitch about it here of course! boyfriend situation is.. weird to say the least. affection levels Dropppedd.Effort Droppeddd. Attitude increaseddd, level up on that one. I really have felt hypervigilant man thanks! we talked about it last night, i said i need some space and that took him by surprise i guess. jjust cause like... all the conversation is very much  about him he talks about mundane stuff a lot, which is ok fine whatever, but its been alot of focus on him the past 4 weeks. and to be honest, i need him to be encouraging me to talk, or leave some space silence for me to talk. i dont know. encourage me, i even said i just dont feel my stuff is important.  because ive been so focused on his stuff which was very very very important. Actually was no joke, he could have been sent away for a long time.. for something he didnt do. relief its over. But still. I just need to be consumed by moi, myself for a while. I said i needed a hug last night, he sent me a sticker.. a STICKER. talk about effort yikes. if he said that to me, bitch id be writing a paragraph!  i dont know. ive tried sooo fucking hard for him. no regrets. i just would like a littleee, a smidge back right now more than ever. 

but yeah uh updates.

[fapangel]

Surprised I havnt seen you say anything about the travel ban going through.

Well, to be honest, there’s not much to say aside from laughing at more left-wing REEEE. As I’ve said before, there’s no way in hell the circuit court rulings are going to survive SCOTUS review - not only is this under the constitutional authority of the President, but also a power explicitly granted him under existing Federal law, by section 212(f) of the Immigration and Nationality Act: 

"(f) Whenever the President finds that the entry of any aliens or of any class of aliens into the United States would be detrimental to the interests of the United States, he may by proclamation, and for such period as he shall deem necessary, suspend the entry of all aliens or any class of aliens as immigrants or nonimmigrants, or impose on the entry of aliens any restrictions he may deem to be appropriate."

That’s pretty damn clear-cut. But for that exact reason it’s an alarming - nay, frightening - travesty that not one, but two Federal courts shit on the explicit, plain language of the law because of Trump’s “implications” during his election campaign. That’s something courts have never looked at, especially in light of the natural hyperbole that comes into play in election campaigns. Plus, it opens the door to a slippery slope of even more questionable challenges - where’s the limit on speech that can be construed to imply “intent?” Can they use statements from ten years ago? Twenty? Trump’s written lines in his many cameo appearances in TV shows over the years? Furthermore, even if they could  prove that Trump is an evil racist from Hell who wants to punish all the brown people, it is still his legal authority to make decisions on immigration. You can’t ban someone from driving because they publicly announced on Facebook that they think drunk driving shouldn’t be illegal and that they’re generally swell folks who manage to make it home safe. THOUGHT-CRIME IS NOT A FEATURE OF AMERICAN LAW. 

And yet, not one, but two United States Federal Circuit Courts embraced this openly demented reasoning, passing injunctions informed by partisan political leanings, rather than respect for the actual laws on which they are entrusted to rule. 

This state of affairs is simply insane, and points to a deep rot at the heart of the judiciary. The judiciary branch was the mechanism by which civil rights campaigners were winning stunning legal victories to advance their cause many years before Martin Luther King started his “street protests” and “civil disobedience” that the popular consciousness now associates most with the civil rights movement (largely because it’s by far the most celebrated.) Those civil rights champions used the mechanisms given to them by the Founders - the Courts - to bring the reality of America closer to the dream. They used the levers of our government exactly as they were designed to operate, and we are all the better for it. 

Now, however, we are watching partisans in the courts openly abusing their power and disgracing the dignity of their high posts to defy the will of the people, and a lawfully elected President. And he is, without a doubt, the lawfully elected President of the United States. 

We’ve been down this road before - I remember eight fucking years of liberals whining about “stolen elections,” which made their 2016 caterwauling about Trump “accepting the election results” funny even before their post-election hypocrisy - but at least back then there were actual court cases brought, even if the lower court decisions allowing the Florida recounts were spurious, convoluted bullshit (and properly called out as such by SCOTUS.) The Florida Supreme Court’s ruling on that is a real scream to read. Florida election code stipulates a seven-day deadline for submitting all ballots, including re-counted ones. Late ballots may be ignored by the Florida State Department, but a $200 personal fine levied on each election Board member is mandatory. The Florida Supreme Court acknowledged the State Department’s authority and discretion in this matter - and then ruled that the Floridian SecState (Katherine Harris) was wrong for exercising that exact discretion on the grounds that 1. Federal law required them to include overseas/absentee ballots, which could be counted up to ten days after the election, and 2. that the plaintiffs “hanging chad” argument was a credible allegation of an “error in vote tabulation.” Thus they granted more time (6 days) for the halted recount to finish. 

For those of you who don’t remember, the “hanging chad” argument was the brilliant notion that if a Floridian voter had punched out the little square hole for “Bush,” and the wee square bit of paper hadn’t fully and completely detached from the sheet, then that vote might possibly have been in error. Maybe the voter really meant to pop his stylus into the completely different hole to punch the completely different chad for Gore - if that damned chad isn’t completely detached, then there’s no way to know for sure, right? 

Which is how we got this shit:

The Palm Beach elections Board came up with a whole slew of terminology to quantify their painstaking recount process: 

SCOTUS wasn’t impressed with the Florida Supreme Court’s rather meandering, myriad justifications in Palm Beach County Canvassing Board v. Harris, because when Bush’s campaign appealed it to SCOTUS, they wrinkled their brows and remanded it to the Florida Supreme Court for “clarification.” But it was the hanging chad thing that really tore it for the Supreme Court. As Breyer and Souter said: 

“It is true that the Equal Protection Clause does not forbid the use of a variety of voting mechanisms within a jurisdiction, even though different mechanisms will have different levels of effectiveness in recording voters' intentions; local variety can be justified by concerns about cost, the potential value of innovation, and so on. But evidence in the record here suggests that a different order of disparity obtains under rules for determining a voter's intent that have been applied (and could continue to be applied) to identical types of ballots used in identical brands of machines and exhibiting identical physical characteristics (such as "hanging" or "dimpled" chads).”

This is the polite way of stating the obvious: a bunch of assholes squinting at paper cards through magnifying glasses as they try to plumb the Unfathomable Depths of the Hanging Chad, focusing their spiritual ki energy through their sharingan to reverse the polarity and beam it through the main deflector dish and thereby discern the voter’s mysterious intent, is fucking bullshit. And Breyer and Souter wrote the minority opinion - the 5-4 decision only split because the liberals on the court wanted to do a proper recount, with rules, and regulations, and no fucking magnifying-glass seances. Even had the SCOTUS decision gone the other way, they wouldn’t have allowed the election Board to “find” more Gore votes with their arcane scrutiny. 

Naturally, Democrats felt this was a travesty of justice, and that the election had been stolen... and this is what I used to think was bad and childish on their part. But at least then they had some excuse - there was a court case, the details were murky to anyone who didn’t take ten seconds to google it, and it was such a close election that a few thousand votes either way in Florida might have swung things. Even the Florida SCOTUS decision only endeavored to give the recount the same effective amount of time it would have had under the law, even if it was legislating from the bench and countermanding the lawful authority of the Secretary of State, (one elected by the very voters who’s wondrous will the Court claimed to be defending). 

Compare that to the current situation, where the election was won by significantly greater margins in multiple states, the left wing launched an open, unabashed campaign to undermine said laws (encouraging, pleading, and berating electors to violate their state laws by casting “faithless” votes while promising pro-bono legal defense and all the blowjobs Hollywood could offer (I presume this offer was still standing.) After eight months of sneering at Trump’s talk of “rigged elections” as doing damage to the sanctified and perfect structure of our Republic and our electoral system, they staged an active insurrection in complete violation of law to invalidate the results of a vote they had lost. 

So, I dunno. Even with 5-4 decisions not always reflecting steep partisan divides on the decision, this travel “ban” case is pretty goddamned clear-cut. There shouldn’t be a 5-4 decision on this - it should be 9-0. But with the way political divides have steepened and the national “discourse” deteriorated in this country since 2000, I’m not so sure anymore. Gorsuch will be seated on the Court by the time oral arguments start, so the conservatives will have their 5-4 majority, but if it comes down to a 5-4 vote on something this clear-cut... I’d be scared.

I’d be really scared. 

[splattershotsundae]

Better Eight Than Never --- Chapter 23: Some good and knot so good feelings

VZZTVZZT

Toda groaned.

VZZTVZZT

“I’m trying to sleep, phone...” He murmured, turning over in his bed, and then cringing in pain as he put pressure on his leg. Oh right, his life wasn’t exactly normal anymore… He carefully sat up, pulling the blankets off to get a look at his leg. Bato’d put the bandage up as high as he could, most of it able to be hidden under a pair of shorts, but he’d still have to wear actual pants if he wanted to be on the safe side… He took a moment to watch a few raindrops trickle down his window before leaning over and picking up his phone; There was a chance these texts would be important. When he saw it was from Jill and neither in all caps, or spelled properly, he relaxed and pull the covers back over his lap.

J: Hey T are you up yet?

J: I was wondering how u r

T: yah im up

T: im donig okay, prty sore tho

T: wbu?

J: Im good

T: good 2 haer

J: shoulder still hurts

J: aLOT

J: not suprised ur sore tho

T: yeah

J: r u feelin sick @ all?

J: jus gathrin info 4 S

T: hm...

T: no, i dnot thik so

J: good! :D

T: :)

T: wht bout u?

J: Im fit as a skattele!

J: *Fiddle

T: lol

T: hwo fit s a skattele? :P

J: theyre pretty fit

J: easy ot fit in ym mouth!

J: omnomnomnomnom!

T: LOL XD

J: Do u like skatteles?

T: nto my al-tim favrite, btu i liek tem

J: Ok, then wh@ candies do u like?

T: nything wit choclate

T: especly milk chocolte

T: espcily peant m&ms

J: I'll keep th@ in mind. XP

J: Especially th@ u dont have a peanut allegory

J: *Alligator

J: *A L L E R G Y T: lol XD

T: yah no allergies

J: I cant type 2day!

J: it is a cuuurrseeee

T: sems lik it :P

J: A hilarious curse...

Toda wasn’t quite sure how to reply. He decided he’d try to figure it out while he got himself some clothes for that day. He carefully swung his legs over the edge of the bed and started to stand slowly, but as soon as he started to put weight on his bad leg he winced and sat back down quickly. Alright, it's fine, there's no hurry... He took a few deep breaths, then tried to stand again, putting a hand on his nightstand to brace himself as he put the weight on his leg again. “Okay, so at least I'm standing now...” He murmured as he started to limp towards the closet. Once there he leaned against the wall and looked over his available clothing. His usual layered anchor shirt needed to be washed… and to have the sleeve stitched up…  He supposed he’d wear his part-time pirate, and a pair of baggy pants he hadn’t worn in forever, that was bound to be much easier to put on than a pair of jeans, or worse… He just remembered to grab a pair of socks as well before staggering back to his bed and sitting down. Thank Judd that was over, now he could take a bit of a break before changing clothes. Oh, Jill’d messaged him again while he was picking out clothes.

J:... T, how many of th messages did u read from after u stoped rplying yetsrday?

T: um.. I ddn’t rly

T: y?

J: You may want to look again.

T: ok?

Toda frowned a little, starting to pull up the group chat. He hadn't remembered receiving a notification for one after that, though he'd had no signal just before Oz came, and his phone had been muted too--

S: Toda!

S: No

S: answer!

S: Toda Pleaes

S: Toda pleas eanswer

S: I love you

He stopped, eyes settling on the message at the bottom of the chat. "Oh." He said aloud. A blush crept up his face, his stomach butterflies seemed to wake up and promptly triple in number; some of them made their way into his chest, making it feel lighter. "Oh." He repeated, his voice a little softer this time. He couldn't seem to come up with anything else to say.

He sort of lay back for a second, staring up at the ceiling. So.. so his feelings weren't unrequited. They liked him too, loved him too. He actually started to smile, feeling some of the worry that had been sitting with him the last couple of days ebbing away. He should call them and... wait. Should he just call them and tell them? What exactly would he say? Was now even a good time? Maybe in person would be better... but that might not be for a while; he didn't know if they were going to be up to coming to the plaza today... probably not... or would it be better to let them bring it up first? He rubbed his forehead, feeling a few knots starting to mix in with the butterflies, though these were slightly different knots than before.

He realized that Jill was probably waiting for an answer, so he picked up his phone and started to bring up their 1-on-1 chat, when it... occurred to him that Simon had confessed in their group chat room. He grimaced a little, feeling his blush become darker. Oops... He brought up Jill's messages, but the only thing he could think of to say was still just:

T: oh

J: Im sosorry this wa snone of my busniess Ishount ave sad anythung imsosorry i wish idneevr seeniut Ijsut fiue

J:ds thatsome ofs waht s isupsetbout i can hear thm pacing abd i got curios and

T: nonoonno

T: its fin

T: rel yit sok

T: wai

T: r they ok?

J: Im right below their room

J: Theyre pacing more than usual

J: I think... they thought you knew they said that.

T: oh

T: no, i hdant sen it til now

T: m phon was mutde

T: nd teh siganl wsa rell bad ther

A short pause.

J: Do u like them back?

T: yeah, i do

T: I really do

J: Oh thank goodness...

Toda smiled a little, taking a deep breath and trying to get the blushing under control… Simon had been a little awkward after they’d found him… was this why? They thought he’d seen the message?

J: Theyre pacing faster D:

J: MayB when u come over u should talk 2 them

J: or @ lest try.

T: yah...

T: wold tey b up 2 tha tday?

J: MayB

J: Probably just thruogh the door tho

T: ok...

J: @ this point u stand a beter chance than me...

T: oh...?

J: We... havnt been connecting as well snce... the stuff happned.

T: oh...

Toda felt more knots, of a different kind. This wasn’t good…

J: Theyre so distant from me now.

J: Its hard...

J: Sometimes I wonder if... he said something 2 them...

T: ... yeah... its posibl...

J: I wish I could help thm

J: But our encounters r so... the complt opposte.

T: yeah...

J: sryy 4 droppin heavy stuff....

T: its ok

T: i dont mnid

J: are u sure?

T: im sure

T: :3

J: if u say so...

Toda waited a moment, then sighed and began to change his clothes. Part of him wanted to stay at home, his leg hurt so much, but he had to go to the plaza anyway to meet with the squid sisters, so he didn’t really have a choice either way.  He’d just have to take some pain medication and hope for the best. And have breakfast, if there was one thing he was fairly sure he’d never do again, it was take food for granted.

He stood up on wobbly legs and straightened his clothes, then slipped his phone into his pocket and limped toward his bedroom door. He paused with his hand over the knob, casting a glance at his Splattershot Jr. and ink tank. Nope, not going to take any chances today. He grunted and bent down to pick them up, and fastened them on before finally heading out of his room and going to get ready for the day.

Bato awoke that morning to the sound of rain tapping on glass, his room dimly tinted gray from the dappled light coming in through his window. He yawned and sat up, looking toward his bed, where he saw Hachi already awake and watching the raindrops glide down the windowpane. "Morning." He greeted, voice still a little heavy from drowsiness.

Hachi gave him a quick glance, but then looked back out the window.

He fell silent, watching the rain as well. It was awfully calming, he had to admit. “How are you feeling?” He asked.

“… Meh...” She croaked after a moment’s pause.

"Looks like it might be a while before we can leave for the plaza." He continued.

Hachi nodded.

“… How long have you been up?” He asked.

She tried to speak again, but just started to cough, deeply and painfully.

He grimaced a bit. "Do you want something to drink?" He asked her.

She nodded, rubbing her throat.

He nodded as well, then stretched and groaned, feeling a bit of pain from where Hachi’s kick had bruised, then got up to get her a cup of water. As he did, he wondered how well Toda was going to be able to watch her with his hurt leg. He could always offer to help, he supposed. And if Toda didn’t let him help, he reassured himself that he was in the same building, so he could respond quickly if something went wrong. He walked back into his room, holding out the glass of water. “Here you go.”

Hachi gave a small nod, then took the glass and took large gulps of water. When she’d finished drinking, she cleared her throat. “Testing… Okay… So what things aren't going to go according to plan with you today?" She asked, voice still a bit rough.

He chuckled. "I think right now all we have planned is to go check in with the Agents at the plaza... I guess anything else will depend on how everyone's feeling. And the weather."

She paused. "... I'm... actually hungry this morning."

"Well, that's good." He said with a nod. "It sounds like both my parents left early this morning, likely to get to work before it started raining, so... There's leftovers we can heat up again, or I could look at making something quick."

"... You have any more oranges?" She asked quietly.

"Yup." He replied. "Stepmom got quite a few the other day."

She nodded. "One of those."

"Alright... hm..." He thought for a moment. "There's still some casserole left... or... I wonder if there's still any pancake mix left, that wouldn't take too long..."

"I'm not having dinner again." She clarified.

"Okay then, that's fine." He said with a small shrug. “Do you think you’ll be able to walk by yourself today?”

“We’ll see.” She grunted, then swung her feet off the bed and stood. “… Looks like we’re okay.”

Bato nodded. “Good. Come on, let’s get some breakfast.” He turned and lead the way down the hall and into the dining room, pulling out a chair for her to sit in. “Go ahead and sit while I get you that orange.” He said, then stepped into the kitchen. As he was opening up the fridge, he got a text from Jill. He began to text her intermittently as he peeled the oranges.

J: B is it raining @ ur house 2?

B: Yup. Might be a while before we can get over there.

J: k

J: just curious.

J: hows 8?

B: She has a bit more of an appetite this morning, so that's a good sign.

J: Oh good

J: She stil fevery?

J: oh man she went through yestrday w a fever course she was so upset

B: I think she's over the fever now

B: Yeah...

J: U think u got it?

B: Not that I can tell

B: And it has been a few days now...

J: Well im not feelin it yet ethir

J: ima have 2 ask T

J: mayB its just an octo thing

B: Maybe

Bato separated the orange slices and put them on a plate, bringing them out to the dining table and setting them in front of Hachi before stepping back into the kitchen. He opened up one of the cupboards and sure enough, there was a box of pancake mix at the top. He brought it down and got ready to start cooking.

J: I realy hope we dnt get it

J: if only 4 S's sake

B: Same here

J: Did ur moms let 8 stay or did u have 2 sneak her in?

J: just curious

B: They let her stay

B: I had to do some pretty fast talking though

J: wh@ did u have 2 tell them?

B: Mostly just reassurances that nothing serious was up

B: I think SMom was starting to think that she was in trouble with the law or something

J: Well....

J: I mean shes probly not WRONG

B: Yeah, probably not

J: I hope theres a rainbow 2day

J: th@ would b cool

B: Yeah, that would b cool

J: U think 8's ever seen a rainbow?

Bato had to consider that for a moment.

B: Hm... I don't know actually

J: MayB u should ask her

J: but if she doesnt kno just leave it a surprise

B: I might do that.

J: :D

After that, Bato began to pour pancake batter onto the griddle and didn’t check his phone any further. He figured that at least if Hachi had seen a rainbow before, that wasn’t what they called it, since she didn’t know what rain was. Then again, that lingual quirk could have survived, he theorized. Language was interesting… Where had words even started in the first place? Probably the word ‘Mom’, it was easy to say, and it had such an important meaning. He’d know, he had two.

He put the pancakes onto a serving plate and turned off the burner, then went back into the dining room. "They're ready--" He broke off, realizing that Hachi was absent from her chair. He quietly cursed and slammed the plate down onto the table, then jogged to the front door. Who knew how far away she could be by now, he should have paid more attention to her, he should have--

The sound of a toilet flushing broke into his thoughts and he froze on the spot. Oh. She’d just gone to the bathroom. He sighed in relief and headed back to the kitchen, getting out another plate and some silverware, then went back into the dining room and started setting up while Hachi came back and sat down.

“Great, more forks.” She muttered.

Bato chuckled a little, turning to head back into the kitchen. "It'll be easier than last night, trust me."

“I don’t think that’s a mistake we’re going to make again.” She replied.

He huffed, then went to the fridge and got out some syrup and butter, setting them down on the table and then sitting down himself. “Alright, so these are pancakes.” He explained. “You eat them like the… um… the breakfast from the other day.”

Hachi’s nose wrinkled in disgust, and her tentacles curled up a little.

“--That is, you put butter and syrup on them to flavor them.” He continued. “Go ahead, try some.” He pushed the bottle of syrup toward her.

Hachi paused, then picked up the bottle and flicked open the cap. She sniffed it, looking a little weirded out. She poured a little on her plate and then licked some off her finger, immediately recoiling.

“Not a fan?” Bato asked.

"Why do you make everything so sweet?" She asked. "Eeegh..."

He couldn't help chuckling a little. "It's what we like, I guess." He said with a shrug, taking the bottle and drizzling some on top of his own pancakes. "You don't have to put any on if you don't want it."

Hachi hesitated, then cut off a bit of butter with her knife and then tried that, face scrunching up again.

“We don’t usually eat butter all by itself.” Bato explained. “Try putting some on a little bit of pancake and let it melt in first." He suggested.

She raised an eyebrow at him and then cut off another piece of butter, dropping it onto her stack of pancakes. She attempted to spread it, but ended up just tearing it while scowling in frustration.

"Let it melt a little first." He advised.

She sighed. “I hate that I can’t go a single meal up here without instruction...”

He paused. “It’ll get better.” As she tried to spread the butter, he dug into his own pancakes, nice, light, and fluffy. They weren’t quite as good as they could be, this box was a little old, but it was still just what he needed this morning. He glanced at Hachi as she finally got a piece of pancake into her mouth. “Well, what do you think?”

“… It’s okay.” She said.

“Not an orange, huh?” He asked.

“Nope.” She agreed.

He nodded and went back to cutting up his pancake. “So, I think I’m going to bring the backpack with me today, just in case you can’t handle walking.”

“Keep running to a minimum.” She snapped.

He nodded. “I’ll do my best.”

She nodded. "I've never thrown up while transformed and I don't want to find out how it works."

He grimaced. "Yeeeah, I can't imagine that would be pleasant."

Hachi paused. "...I say that and then I get curious, but I still don't want to know. especially not in a bag."

He couldn't help chuckling a little bit, but then nodded. "I'll try my best; hopefully we won't have a reason to run anywhere today anyway."

She. "And hopefully I can walk."

"Hopefully." He agreed, taking another bite of pancake.

They ate quietly for a while, until Hachi sighed glumly.

"... You doing alright?" Bato asked.

She shrugged. "I still hurt inside and out, and whatever these things are made of its weird."

Not knowing how to reply, he just nodded.

She paused. "Are these things made with the same thing as the sandwich?"

He nodded. "It's not quite the same, but they're both basically bread."

"Hm... is it plant?" She asked curiously. "Because it doesn't taste like meat."

"It's made with flour, which is ground-up wheat, which is a plant." He replied. "It's basically made by making a dough out of flour, water, yeast, and other things depending on the sort of bread you're making, and then baking it."

“Flour? Oh! I heard of that!” Hachi said. “I think more high up people get to have and use that… But… I thought it was made from grain?”

He blinked. “Well, wheat is a grain.”

“No no no, grain!” She said. “Little white bits about this big.” She gestured with her fingers.

He frowned a little in thought. Why did that sound familiar…? “Oh! We call that rice!” He said, finally making the connection. “Rice flour is a little bit different than wheat flour. Bao is made with rice flour, actually.”

Hachi nodded a little. “… I’ve been missing out on stuff like this all this time...”

Bato gave a huff, only a little amused. He got a text and realized he’d left Jill hanging, pulling out his phone. Though, it wasn’t Jill, it was Toda.

T: u 2 bout redy?

T: rains stppd

"It's from Toda." He said. "He's wondering if we're ready to go."

“I need some water.” Hachi said. “Then I’ll be ready to go.”

He nodded.

B: Yeah, give us about 10 minutes T: k T: tahts probly hw lng itll tke me 2 gt 2 teh elvator nyway :P

Bato and Toda are Knitter’s characters

Hachi, Jill, and Simon are Shuckle’s characters.

Splatoon belongs to Nintendo.

Please consider liking or reblogging if you enjoyed, it’s nice to know we’re doing things right.

Shuckle has a patreon if you would like to provide additional support!

[<PREV] [INDEX] [NEXT>]

[at-least-ill-die-a-lionturtle]

All of the questions. 💖

** Links are in bold **

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? It depends on the cereal. Raisin Bran gets 50/50 milk-to-cereal ratio, while something like Fruity Pebbles gets a 30/70 milk-to-cereal ratio

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? I CHERISH IT WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Whatever happens to be the closest, flat object

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I like my coffee as such: 50% coffee, 30% half&half, 20% sugar. Im going to assume this means hot tea, which Ive only had green. But I like my green tea with three sugars.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Very. I have bad gaps on all my front teeth

6: do you keep plants? No, but I really want to :3

7: do you name your plants? I will give them lovely names. Like Hamish, and Ludacris

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Music

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? I DO, I do it all the time

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Mostly side and stomach. I roll around a lot

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? Hey Karen, have you sent those faxes?

12: what’s your favorite planet? Mars

13: what’s something that made you smile today? A few things. My girlfriend, Rob Schneider, Achievement Hunter

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Like this, I’d imagine15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! On Venus a day is longer than a year. The length of time it takes to complete one whole orbit around the Sun is 224.7 Earth days. However it takes 243 Earth days to rotate on its axis just once.

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? Uhm… Lasagna? I need more time to think about this lol

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Ive dyed it blue before, it started off kinda dark and ended like a bubblegum blue. Next time I wanna dye it like this but darker

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. The time during marching band when we did our invitationals. Me and a buddy were in charge of the water station, and the valve on one of the jug-thingies wasnt working right. I told my buddy, “Hey, it wont work right unless you flick it first.” And the band director of the band walking buy, he was like 70 years old, kinda sounded like Old Man Jenkins from Spongebob. He said, in a tone that he knew EXACTLY what kinda joke he was making, “It works when I flick it!” And we were literally rofl

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I keep a dream log, but I havnt updated it in years. Its not very often that I remember enough of my dreams to actually write them down. But I’ll go ahead and make posts with the two that Ive kept, here and here

20: what’s your favorite eye color? Greens and blues

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. Ive got this Halo 3 messenger bag thats like a Desert Storm color. One end of the strap has come off, a lot of the ends are frayed, and one of the zippers no longer works.

22: are you a morning person? Ive always been a morning person, and I also used to be a night owl. But now I struggle to stay up past 10pm

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Watch Youtube and play video games

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Yeah (:

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? My own home lmao

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? My stupid fucking work boots lol Only pair of shoes I own

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? Trident Layers Strawberry Citrus

28: sunrise or sunset? Primarily sunrise, but also sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? When @pizzaboxx​ attacks the patriarchy

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Yes, quite a few times actually. I almost tumbled down a mountain in a Jeep Wrangler when I was 7

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I think okay about socks. I like wearing weird socks, I have a pair of Captain America ones with little wings. I do sleep with socks. I mostly do yeah lol Im pretty much always wearing socks unless swimming or showering is involved

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Partook in some hooliganism at a Walmart, which included, but was not limited to, prank calling 9-11.

33: what’s your fave pastry? Bear claw and/or apple fritter

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? Ive had an Orca named Oscar since I was like 10

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Nah, not really

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? Faunts

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? It kinda goes back and forth

38: tell us about your pet peeves! God damn, thats a list for another day lol

39: what color do you wear the most? Black and other dark colors. But Ive picked up a small array of light colored clothes over the last few years

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I own an Amulet of Stendarr. It increases your Block skill by 10%. Stendarr is the Tamriellic god of Justice and Mercy. He is the patron of cleric-type folks, as his devout followers, the Vigilant of Stendarr, travel the lands rooting out demons and undead such as vampires.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? Hm… I dont really know. My memory is shite and I havnt read a book in full in SO long

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Not really, never have really been to an actual coffee shop. FUCKIN LOVE WAWA THO

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Alex 

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? I dont know if Ive ever truly felt like that. But Ive been close a few times.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Not a lot, but on occasion.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. I’m always on time with my jokes. I guess you could say I’m pretty pun-ctual.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Fucking anything with cabbage. Oh, and candy corn. Fight me.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? I used to be really afraid of the dark, but not really anymore.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? I LOVE cds! And I’ll start getting records when I get a record player. The last cds I bought was a Weezer collection. It had Blue, Pinkerton, Green, Make Believe, and Red.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Nothing that I can think of, really.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? MY buddy Sam; You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? None really. But Im sure something good will come around.

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? No, no, yes, and yes. I really like Beetlejuice, and I LOVE Pulp Fiction.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? poop

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? Im not really sure

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? The passion for something they love

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? I ALWAYS dramatically re-enact the lyrics. HOW CAN YOU NOT?!

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? Dont know about wine mom, but my friend Caitlyn is DEF the vodka aunt lmao

59: what’s your favorite myth? The American Dream

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I do, but I dont go out of my way to read it

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I honestly cant think of anything right now, for either situation

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? I drink juice literally whenever possible, preferably apple juice.

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? Leave them to be

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Midnight blue

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? YES. My group of friends from back home, and my baby sister

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Made of blue Morning Glory’s and pink Hibiscus

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? SO GOOD. I always feel in a better mood.68: what’s winter like where you live? One week of frigid temps and occasionally Fall like temps but mostly in mid to high 70′s69: what are your favorite board games? Battleship, Scrabble, hmmm. Thats all I can think of at the moment70: have you ever used a ouija board? Never71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? Sweet iced tea. Im also trying out some Scottish Heather tea right now and its quite delightful72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? YES. I am so forgetful lmao73: what are some of your worst habits? Forgetfulness is the root of most, if not all, of my bad habits. So Imma go with that.74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. Loud, but also quiet at times. Very laid back, but adventurous. Trust-worthy and reliable. Never afraid of a good dick joke.75: tell us about your pets! OKAY! First dogs, then cats. Otis is a momma’s boy and loves socks. Charlie is energetic but loves being lazy on the bed AND BORFS LOUD AT SQUIRRELS and will steal your food without a second thought. Sheep is blind and likes the bathroom. Izzy is hella stressed and barks at EVERYTHING. Bojack is a grandpa with literal Alzheimers and sleeps A LOT. Lady chews on EVERYTHING and often throws up stuff like string and leaves and loves to be held. Gizmo likes to jump up against your leg and rip apart your flesh with his little raptor claws. Dobby gets hurt and cold easy but plays SUPER rough and is a MAJOR GROANER when sleepy and stuff.  NOW CATS. Oscar is smol and cuddly and gets cold, but he PEES EVERYWHERE. NOTHING IS SACRED. Bones is also smol and very shy, doesnt like the other cats and REALLY LOVES Charlie. Frizzo is sweet most times but growls at everything and is an ASSHOLE to Bones and Carter. Carter stays away and hidden, she doesnt like the other animals. Will boop you when she wants attention. Lucy is our angry son, he is a super asshole to all the cats except Bones because thats his girlfriend, and is especially mean to Frizzo and Carter. He has an old man face when he’s tired.76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? Going to bed lol Super tired, but I need to finish my tea.77: pink or yellow lemonade? Yellow78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I dont hate them, but I dont like them either79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Alex has done plenty of cute things for me, because everything she does is cute :380: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Fucking fake wood panels. We did not :P81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. I dont know too much about any of my friends eyes???82: are/were you good in school? NOPE lol83: what’s some of your favorite album art? Really like the album artwork of Deep Blue by Parkway Drive84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I AM! I have a few specific ones planned, but also a bunch of inspiration here!85: do you read comics? what are your faves? I do not, but I really want to! I want to get into Spider-Man, The Flash, Ms. and Captain Marvel, Guardians of the Galaxy, and anything Teen Titans related.86: do you like concept albums? which ones? I think this is a concept album?87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Good Will Hunting, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Her88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Expressionism and Impressionism89: are you close to your parents? LOL NOPE90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. FUCKING LOVE SAVANNAH. Its the perfect blend of historic and modern. Right on the beach/river. Lots of cool things going on. Also downtown is BEAUTIFUL.91: where do you plan on traveling this year? No idea lol92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? DROWN IT.93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? Varied lengths, and its really hard to tame my hair. Even with gel and shit. So I just let it do its own thing mostly.94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? An old friend from Runescape95: what are your plans for this weekend? Not a got damn thing!96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I used to procrastinate them a lot, but Ive gotten better at it97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? It changes almost every time I take it, but I think its ISFP? Taurus. Gryffindor but I relate to Hufflepuff as well98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? Like over a year ago, I went with my buddy Sam and it was a pretty good time.99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Jesus Doesnt Mosh - The Ambulance Review, Engine 45 - The Ghost Inside, Broken Mirrors - Mercy Screams, Rise Against, like just in general; [This Is More; We’re What Separates the Heart from the Heartless; Amber; Some Kind of Hope; Sufferer/La Poderosa; Diamond; Ring Loud (Last Hope); D(I AM)OND; Built Upon the Sand; The Suspend] songs in brackets are by Stick to Your Guns. Im total trash, sorry not sorry.100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Easy, I would definitely go back five years into the past. It would be awesome to have my current knowledge so I could better prepare myself for my life today.

[forgiven012314]

In forever

You’ve finally agreed to hang out for the first time in 4 months.. and boy did u just makenmy whole world stop at the sight of u... I was ok this whole time, kinda feeling like I was over u and just accepting a friendship if it can be that.. I was kind of nervous going over.. like how it use to feel driving to ur house excited to see u.. but I also tried to not expect anything and trying to get myself together because I didn’t know what to expect.. but when I saw u.. honestly everything just hit me .. but I had to play it cool cause I didn’t wanna scare u off or freak u out in any way.. n I had to respect about boundaries that u mentioned over the phone before this encounterment.. but the whole day was just so simple and fun.. I kept messing up not telling u the things I noticed.. like the fact that u havnt really worn make up and u said u weren’t gonna but u did that day.. I should have told u how good ur eyeshadow and highlight looked.. but I was just so caught up trying to not look at u so much and u catch me looking at u like a damn goddess that u are.. all I wanted to do that day was just touch u in any way or form.. and I just wanted to kiss u. To know what that felt like again.. but I couldn’t do that.. man did I fight with my mind so much that day.anway, I liked how we just clicked and everything felt so normal again through out the day.. and I loved how we all just watched a scary movie in my car instead of going into the theater.. I was bummed out tho just because I didn’t want so much of a gap away from u like it was in my car.. I just wanted to atleast feel u closer to me.. but I gotta say it was really nice just watching the movie and how scared u got.. I loved how u said my name wanting me to protect you.. I wanted to so bad . But the minute I touched ur arm I took it off because I didn’t wanna step over boundaries.. and damn do I hate myself how respectful I am.. because all I wanted to do is just aim to holding ur hand.. to remember how that felt like again as well.. You know what the crazy part is? That while we were at the park smoking, I laughed sooo much like I never laughed before.. and it wasn’t because I was high.. I think it was cause my heart felt burst of laughter just being with u again.. i havnt laughed at all since u left ..it’s crazy how u can bring that out of me.. so as the night ended I did another stupid thing.. I didn’t get out of my car to say goodbye.. I stayed in my car.. and I felt like u expected me to get off and say goodbye .. but somehow I couldn’t get off.. I didn’t realize it than but now.. I think the reason my body didn’t want to get off that car is because I didn’t wanna hug goodbye like if it was the last.. I wanted to see u again.. and I’m hoping I do soon..

[bambaooo]

eventful weekend..not surrounded around partying lol

i just noticed that most of the time i say its an eventful weekend its mostly because its a weekend based around parties and drinking..but not this time. just a little drinking thought..lol

but it all started on friday, left work a little early at 3 cause i had a haircut at 430

ive said this before but im hella thankful for my barber, might sound weird but hes turned into a pretty good friend

afterwards went back home and packed all my shit for the meet and to sleep at vb

drove down to the beach, it was an actually a pretty ez drive which i was a little surprised

but first went to the gym to get the rack heights and then i spent the next hour trying to find kevin in VB

ended up going to the gym owners house cause we were crashing there

i never noticed how weird it is to hang out gym bros when they arnt your main hommies lol

now i realize how douchey we sound when we get our crew together lol

ended up sleeping on the couch with kevin lol

only got like 3-4 hours of sleep before i had to head to the gym for weigh ins

weighed in and started eating

i was so glad that i wasnt like struggling to make weight, 

but like the meet went pretty well

went 3/3 for squat and bench 

i wish i tried for a higher weight on squats but its cool

i hit a PR for bench for thats cool 2

but for deads i still dont know what happened, only got my 3rd attempt

i was supposed to hit 50 lbs higher for my last one but i fucked up

but hey i still stayed in the meet and got a total

i totaled at 1215 i think, but i was still content with it all

after my last deadlift, a shit ton of emotions rushed to my head.

i legit almost cried in the warm up area.

like ima put this in my meet recap on IG but i guess ill say it here to cause it dont matter

but like ive been waiting 2 years of this shit, 

July 2016 - bombed out of the meet by failing squats

Oct 2016 - spent 3 nights in the hospital one week before my meet

April 2017 - house fire, had to drop out

like ive been through so much shit these past 2 years even in between all the bad shit.

like i dont even know how to express how i felt, but i almost cried out of happiness

after my last lift kevin gave me a hug and it was hard to not cry right then, i sound like a bitch about it it.

i remember kevins first meet, he actually broke down out of happiness, and i thought he was over reacting and shit, but now i know how he felt

not many people that dont lift will understand this shit, i went through all that shit, trained my ass off, and now im here

but oh man, what an experience.

i cant wait for the videos to come out

but afterwards went to get alohas with Erika

1, i cant beleive it took my all this time to eat alohas, that shit is bomb af

2, its always nice to hangout/catch up with Erika.

she always reminds me of how much ive grown as a person, reminds me how reckless af i was in the early years of college lol

but afterwards i went back to RVA

the drive wasnt that bad again, kinda surprised

no one was in rva to hang out with to get food so i just went to get food by myself

went to mean bird, which is prtty good.

and then just chilled and went to sleep

today, i woke up and had to get ready to meet up with the fam in sperryville

before i left i recorded a quick cover that i learned the night before i think its a song that im going to add to my general songs to sing because i ts within my range and ez to sing lol

but after drive to sperryville

it was nice to see my mom, my aunt and to meet some of my cali fam that i havnt seen/havnt met before

i didnt know i had cousins that were my age which is kinda dope

we talked, ate, and drank beers

it was cool to see how similar/different cali and VA life are so different.

but i deff want to make a trip back to cali to chill with em one day

i got a little drunk so i stuck around in sperryville for another hour while my family left

got to catch up with my god parents, which is nice cause they always gas me up and makes me feel good about myself lol

but yeah and then i drove back to RVA ain the fucking rain

fuck precipitation of all sorts

lol

but yeah that was my weekend pretty much

back to normal life, like really normal lol

idk what to do in the gym tomorrow but i want to go to the gym

but yeah first full week of work in a long time 

idk what ima do with my life now since EDC and my meet were my main events for this summer

but ill figure it out

im tired tho

gnight tumblr,

until the next 

[strawberryspeachy]

K so like I talked to another dude from tinder last week

(I was talking to 5. The asshole my preivious posts were about, a dude I worked at the haunted house with, a French dude a state away, a Swedish dude who I’ve been talking to for a while and hopefully is not my next nightmare story cause he seems really cool, and this terrifying dude)

Anywho I add this dude and he talks pretty normal. He went on about how he didn’t have any friends which the other guy with 1000s of friends said as well - idk why tinder guys always give some kind of sob story- but he talked about how he likes doing art and stuff blah fine

So I agreed to meet him sometime and we picked getting pizza which was actually the same day I went out to meet the other guy afterwards.

So I see him and he looks a bit different and is just generally not what I find attractive at all - but I’m like whatever - I’m lonely I could always use more art friends.

Now what should have been strike 123 bye - he showed me a picture of a dead animal “he saw on his way and wanted to show me” and I was like wtf um why would you take a pic or show me. And he backtracked and talked about other stuff - I so bullits

1) he kept trying to shame me for not watching dragonball super recently while trying to tell me spoilers even though I told him repeatedly I didn’t wanna hear about it

2) he kept trying to convince me I should like random anime’s I don’t like and should get back into that shit

3) he kept shining a light on his keychain in my eyes when I told him to stop and tried to ok this by saying he liked being annoying

4) I said I was gonna leave if he kept doing one of those things and he put his foot up on my bench and told me not to

Ok so I should have never talked to him again after that esp since I was so bored that I just wanted to leave - but I wasn’t suffering. I also hung out with annoying ass kids in high school like that and didn’t really take most of it as grounds to just opt out

So he messaged me the night that dude had me drive to his house and then blocked me and I was upset and I mentioned it and also told him I’m not interested in him that way but that I’m ok with being friends (bad me bad me)

And he responded by saying he just wants friends and it’s fine but also immediately going “so this means you’re free Saturday” and since I felt bad entirely rejecting him I said I was and after a lot of me saying ya we can just meet up and hang out and him going let me take you to dinner and the movies and pick you up

And I just said fine after like 40 min of that

Ugh so Saturday comes and he didn’t overtext me or anything so I thought it was fine... time for bullit points again

1) it was pouring rain and he sped and stopped at the last second

He ran every stop sign I didn’t point out and when he’d see them as he passed them he just got angry

He had major road rage for absolutely no reason and was generally a bad driver and terrified me while he got angry at red lights and other people while he attempted to merge really badly. Also at me when I gave him directions far in advance and he’d act like it was last second as he acted like he didn’t understand “get in the right lane” for over a minute

2) he told me he bought me a Christmas present that was over 200 dollars and did this thing I realized he had been doing where when I tell him no thanks he gets offended going “you’re rejecting me??”

3) he told me he likes to cat call women but one time a girl liked it and it was weird to him and made him awkward

4) he told me when he lived in Mexico there were wild dogs that he and his family one time went and hit with baseball bats because sometimes they were territorial and would pretend they were gonna bite you and it scared him — mind you not in the same instance

5) he still kept shining that fucking light in my face all day no matter how many times I told him to stop

6) he was playing that whole “I’m a really nice guy so you should date me” russe and just making me really uncomfortable constantly asking me if I’m happy and that he’s doing this all to make me happy and like... I was being nice and friendly and hiding how uncomfortable I was so like... there was no reason for that

7) at the movies I took out my little squishy toy which I had showed him earlier and he had no interest in but because I was about to play with it he like demanded i give it to him to play with first which I didn’t cause the way he seemed he was totally gonna rip it in half

8) he spent like 10 minutes throwing his phone at me because “it was too heavy and he didn’t wanna hold it” HIS phone

9) he kept making plans for us for the future the whole day and ALL these things we were gonna do together

10) every story he told me from him not wanting birthday party’s to his friend cancelling plans with him after being so happy she cried last time he saw her to the male half of his family physically fighting over small stuff because that’s how men do things - was just creepy

By the end I seriously wanted to cry I was so uncomfortable and miserable like I couldn’t breathe.

Before we went in the theatre i thought “this boy might actually kill me and for the first time I would not appreciate that - I do NOT want him to be the last thing I ever see” that’s a first for me

And yet again my being stupid had got me in a predicament where a terrifying guy knows where I live and I’ve never wanted to block someone more but am afraid they’ll show up at my house

Like like like it’s not fair. It’s like life punishing me for freaking out at guys who entirely go out of their way to fuck with me and play with me and just be super mean to me after saying they want the complete opposite to me. And I just try to treat people nicely and considerately and instead get myself in situations with.... these terrifying guys

Like like I had a legit stalker in 8th and 9th grade. I wasn’t friends with this boy but he followed me around right behind me. Watched my every move. Memorized my schedual from when my bus got there to which hallways i took to each class and my morning hang out spots. Do you know how I got this stalker? He was a super weird kid that stuttered and picked his nose and shit but I didn’t make fun of him with everyone else. I don’t even specifically remember ever going out of my way to be nice to him I just remember telling my friends “aw leave him alone - he didn’t do anything to you” I assume I probably said hi to him in passing sometimes - or smiled at him briefly as I do with people I accidentally make eye contact with

What did I do to get a stalker? I treated him like a normal person and wasn’t an asshole to him. This is always how I end up having to deal with crazy people.

Literally so many that havnt entirely freaked me out to the point where I think they’ll show up at my house (I seriously had a strategy for if they dude from 8th grade showed up at my house) but just in general. I’ve had weird experiences with so many crazy people just because I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and treat them like humans.

[bambaooo]

i just spent the last 5 nights in nova

i think the last time i spent that much time in nova was maybe thanksgiving week? idk

it was kinda nice though

i feel like ive said this before, but ive used to have a hard time staying in nova.

like i wouldnt want to be back that long, id only want to be in nova for the smallest amount of time possible, but shit look at me now i just almost spent a week in nova lol

started off on tuesday, actually monday sorta andy came through

chilled then on tuesday slept in a tiny bit then chilled before i had to go to my doctors appointment 

after i went to the gym

chilled with andy again for a bit then we caravanned to nova, sorta

he stopped a few times while i drove straight through

went to kbbq, tried not to eat to much and i ened up eating a good amount

went home and then crashed for the night, it was already kinda late

woke up and went stright to work on the kitchen table, my usual work from home home set up

around lunch time i got ready and headed to abus to work there for the rest of the day

it sounded like a better idea than it actually was.

like i can usually smoke for 1-2 hours max on the long end.

but like having to be be there a baby sit a hookah for 4 hours is hard af.

even though i had hella water, i started feeling kinda sick lol

i blame the shitty coals they use there

andy met up with me for the last hour, he did work too

but we then hit up the block for some poke, poke is sooo bomb

went home and then later ate some dinner with my fam

then chilled for the rest of the night

thursday, it was a short workday because of good friday being a holiday

so once i got off at 2, i went straight to meet up kevin at TFN,

its kinda nice training with kilo plates,

after wards took a little detour around falls church, to get some banh mi

i went to bahn mi dc instead of the usuall lees. 

it used to be one of my favorites before lees, but i think lees is still my number 1. 

their bread is sooo much better

it was also kinda nice driving around the area where i grew up at. 

like i mentioned before, i have a story for almost everywhere i went by. its just weird how much has changed over the years

went home at crushed some sandwiches outside cause its was fucking nice out.

and then just chilled at home then ate dinner wit the fam then crashed

friday, i woke up and then wanted to clean my car.

i havnt really cleaned my car in a couple years lol

but it was kind of a time capsule

i think the oldest shit i found in there was some recepts and shit from maybe 2015

it felt really nice cleaning out my trunk and back seat

a lot of shit that wasnt really sentimental, but there were definitely has some memories behind them

good and bad memories.

a lot of shit was from the house fire, like literally the last bits of stuff that i had in that house that i dont really need anymore

but there was also some other shit, kinda caught me off guard when i found it, but it reminded me of a good time in my life. i got a good smile out of it

but anyways my car is clean now

was gonna run some errands to get some vape shit, but then hit up ronnie and ended up chilling with him and then went to the vape shop together

then basically just chilled at his place for the rest of the day

made it back home for dinner

it was also the last friday of lent so we had some good shit

fried fish and shrimp is always bomb

ive been using patis and lemon/lime/calimansi or w/e citrus friuit is available

but its always hella bomb

we were eating mangos for dessert and ended up dipping some mangos in the patis too, lol wasnt too bad

saturday, ended up just going to this smaller gym in falls church and trained there

training at a non comercial gym feels dope

and it just feels a lot better than lifting at vcu gyms lol

everyone there is training for a purpose, not just to go to the gym

after that went home and just watched netflix and chilled for the rest of the day

watched dr strange, gardians of the galaxy, started dear white people

before i started and finished on my block, and that shit is dopeeee af

cant wait for the next season

but yeahhhhhh,

today, woke up got ready and headed to church

it was helllla packed lol

and the priest even called out the people that go to church only for easter

it was pretty funny, i mean i havnt been going to church every sunday, but shit i still go to church more than once a year lol

after we went to peking gourmet, it was hella good as always

after my parent ran some errand so i dipped back to RVA

the drive actually wasnt that bad

ive been listening to podcasts while driving, makes the podcast more barable

but then ran some errands, 

then chilled with igi

got some jimmy johns then headed home

then now im hereee.

this one was hella long, lol

instead of a weekend, it was more like a ful week

but yahh 

on call this week, so its chill

hope it goes by fast

but now i gotta sleep.

gnight tumblr.