#i honestly just tired of feeling like shit because people never really acknowledge me as an actual writing partner and feeling like i'm just

[alwayslcyal]

.

[massivechestplate]

Is anyone else tired over recent events? Not in a sleepy way, but in that bone-deep depression way?

Bit of a long post about the general Gacha game-sphere. Needed to get this off of my chest, might as well scream into the void.

I ask this as someone who flirts between these gacha games out of boredom mostly. They're free, they're phone, they got Story, and I'm not spending a cent on them personally, so that's why I play them.

But every fucking day it seems we got another controversy. Bad VA this, fired an artist that, White_Pharaoh.png being handed out like fucking candy on Halloween lately.

And then we discuss on how Its Bad, and we all know Its Bad, people discuss on what to do, Boycott, torch the franchise and run, stay and try to fix it, ignore it because it's been your Comfort Media for the past 3 years, all that stuff. And it's hard. And a lot of those choices always feel half-assed.

I've been around a bit, I've seen it. I was around when Fate Grand Order had LB7, Wandjina, and all the other shit on 2023 JP hit, and there was talk, some talked but stayed, others left but chose to still engage with Type-Moon works, some might've left completely but I never heard of them.

I was around when Project Moon fired Vellmori, and there was betrayal, some deciding to leave, others staying because Project Moon wormed into their hearts and they decided to stay even knowing what was happening. Knowing what it was now built on and where the lines were drawn.

And I'm here now in the midst of the Hoyoverse shittery round 2, I don't think I need to speak at length on that. We've all seen it.

And all the time every potential choice to take feels half-assed?

Do you leave, abandoning the franchise as if leaving without fighting to improve something makes you good, preserving your own morality at the cost of never making anything better? The lack of evil substituting for substantial good?

Do you boycott? If so is it purely not spending money or not even logging in? Does it even make a difference? After all, when do these oversea companies really listen to anyone outside their country of origin? Is it enough to stop on that one specific game and still buy other works, or do you condemn the whole?

Do you continue on as normal, to indulge in the media? To continue what brings you joy and comfort? Is criticizing and acknowledging the faults enough or just lipservice?

Are we arrogant to impose our values on others, hating foreign companies not conforming to our beliefs? Or is this completely reasonable, every scathing speech and point completely justified and never bordering on some level of sinophobia?

And just... it's hard. Hard enough trying to be a Good Person normally but here? In this space? Part of it feels natural and some action is necessary for the Good of Everything, the other part feels like a big fuss over something ultimately small and meaningless.

And it hurts. You give out pieces of yourself to these stories, let it become a part of you, then become forced to tear it out of your heart just to be Good. And when I say that I don't mean in that internet point "I'm a good person way" but the way of being Good with yourself, proving only to yourself.

And it doesn't help that plenty of us have devolved into humanity's good old passtime of tribalism, mockery, and a lack of empathy for The Other. Everyone's been taking the piss out of the other gacha players for the stuff their games pull as if their own games haven't done the same. Some of it might be in good nature, over exaggerated and self-deprecating, a joke or criticism, but its honestly become indistinguishable from genuine malice and contempt.

And...

I'm tired.

Tired of seeing this. Tired of dealing with it. Tired of wondering what to do, what's the best choice, what choice even is there.

Part of me is honestly tempted to just not care. To accept that I'm a bad person by playing these games and going through with it anyways because I'm so tired and cynical that hedonistic indulgence just becomes more worth it than trying to be good. At most accept a Gacha-game that's a 'Lesser Evil' compared to another, if that even counts.

Because it hurts. Because you let these stories change you, touch you, let them into your heart, and then have to tear it out with your own two hands and pretend it doesn't hurt. And you can't feel like you can mourn what you lost, because someone will come in and start raving about how it's dumb you even cared to begin with.

I've seen arguments for every option, from people I don't respect and people I do, strangers and prominent community figures. I've warred with the argument of "Morally Pure Media doesn't exist, don't beat yourself up over it" and wonder just how absolute that statement should be.

And I don't know.

And all I want is to go to sleep, and wake up and have it magically be better.

[twopoppies]

https://www.tumblr.com/twopoppies/747389355237195776/hello-gina-i-hope-you-have-a-good-day-i-dont

You make some really good points here, especially about stepping away a bit and trying to just enjoy them as musicians. I’ve tried it with some success, but it’s not easy. I do honestly love both of their music and listen to it daily. Beyond that, it’s good to back off a bit for me.

I think for me something that has really become clear this last year, is that many fans feel entitled to what I would call Chapter 118 of the Harry/Louis WIP, and the reality is it’s just not coming. Now I love reading Larry fan fiction as much as the next person, but looking at it that way is so unfair to them. They have real lives and relationships and it’s not a story that needs to be tied up with a happily ever after. Lots of Larries - especially Twitter Larries - seem to use every interview or use of a primary color as a new chapter. I’ve never been a believer in the “mastermind” theory. And you are so right when you say the good vs evil is not really clear anymore. Yes, Syco and Cowell committed a lot of abuses, but those guys walked out of there with around $50M and tons of doors opened for them that wouldn’t have been possible without 1D , so the lines are blurred.

I think it’s pretty clear from Harry’s “corner of the internet ….it’s not real” interview to Louis latest, they don’t want our help in this - whatever “this” is anymore. It’s not underdogs vs overlords and I don’t like taking away Harry’s and Louis’s agency at this point.

It’s funny, because in 2016 if someone had said this is where you will be 8 years later I would have laughed in their face. But this is where we are and finding ways to deal with it and realizing we may never have more then we have today can be hard. Who knows what will happen in the future. Tomorrow the whole thing could blow wide open and lots of questions will get answered, but I just don’t think so and I’m ok with that. Sort of…. lol!

Anyway, thanks for the nice, calm commentary. I still enjoy reading it all!

Oh, I totally feel you on waiting for chapter 118. So many people treat their lives like an unfinished fic or a game to win. It’s super unhealthy for fans and I can’t imagine it feels good for Harry and Louis. And I very much agree that where we once were helpful, we may now be a hindrance at times. Saying that, I think it’s important to acknowledge that we’re not fucking making things up out of thin air and Harry/Louis/their teams often use Larry and larries for their benefit.

That makes it difficult to feel that they’re being completely honest when they say they don’t want a focus put on Larry.

Regardless, I’m tired of playing this game. I’d prefer to just chill in my own little circle and talk about Larry with my friends and go to concerts and have fun. But I don’t enjoy being treated like shit when it’s convenient and then sent flowers when I’m needed again, you know?

[leincendiaire]

anyways salty thoughts. dont expect me to be nice

this is the one problem not exclusive to the finale, god ed's character arc just. didnt do it for me at all. I excused it before cuz I thought it would pay off as the season went on but nope. he never had a genuine apology moment, just that youtuber apology like gag and the cat collar joke. like they literally show us how the crew was completely scarred by his actions but theyre later just completely fine with him on board???? and stede keeps being his biggest stan when I think he would have been like hey what the fuck!! im sorry I hurt you but I am not responsible for your actions and you hurt my crew whom I hold very dear!! I love ed but Fuck he really went too far those first episodes and he never makes up for it. they only ever focus on His Own self journey, not how he hurt and traumatized practically every other character.

"well, I think narratively izzy's death made sense but—" no!! no it fucking didnt!! im sorry but it was just lazy writing!! they didnt know what to do with him so whoops he gets shot in the dumbest way possible. like, this aint my first rodeo, it aint the first time ive seen a character start off on their character journey to happiness only for writers to give up on it and kill them off. it's a tiring fucking trope tbh and I really wish they hadnt fallen into this trap. like his death scene wasnt good either, if youre gonna do it at least focus on his relationship with the crew, you know, the people he came to accept as family? not the man Who Shot Off His Fucking Leg And Almost Killed Him? I know they had an important relationship but that shit should have been talked about way beforehand, it deserved closure. they should have acknowledged they werent good for each other and made peace with it. izzy deserved a death with people who actually made him happy. ALSO THEY BURY HIM ON FUCKING LAND?????? he spent his life at sea!!!! he is the most devoted out of everyone to being a pirate and you bury him next to your fucking inn???? fucking twats istg

lastly I swear they forgot stede is the main character. they forgot literally everything about how to write him. he gets No Focus in the finale, and every scene he is in is bullshit. I actually wanted to punch my screen every time there was a joke about him being incompetent or whatever. like, hello??? thought we left that shit in s1??? he had Multiple Episodes about learning to be a pirate and adjusting to his new life and gaining more skills but no. he is just silly old loserboy for his cool war criminal boyfriend now. literally no skills or experience whatsoever. ok sure yea thats totally how he acted the rest of the season. also the fuck is it with him staying behind to run the inn with ed?? wasnt the whole conflict last episode their different desires out of life, with ed wanting to start a normal life and stede wanting to be a pirate?? when the Fuck did he change his mind. who are you and have you done with my boy

honestly I feel bad because jenkins is actually a good writer and the whole fandom really expected a lot from a man making his second show, and I think there were a lot of budget cuts and production issues so I can see why it turned out this way. he is probably mad about this too, I bet the cast also, like even the acting in this episode didnt feel passionate, and thats saying a lot since these actors really love this show. im just frustrated. man. time to write fics ig

[beanghostprincess]

Omg you like SatoSugu and Soukoku too? I’ve GOTTA hear your thoughts on them

If I start talking about my relationship with these two ships I might actually end up sobbing while I write this- But basically, both Soukoku and Satosugu are really important to me because the whole dynamic of "best friends to enemies who still have feelings for each other" reminds me of something that happened to me with my former best friend. Which is, uh, not pleasant to talk about but we had a very nasty break up and I think it's a very common experience. Somebody said something once (in my post about Shuggy making more sense if they were girls) about these ships always resembling friendships between sapphics that don't know they're sapphics yet, which changed my whole view on these three ships completely because oh lord, that person was so damn right. Because it's the possessiveness of it all, you know? Like- Being close to your best friend, so much it hurts to see them with other people and so much it's frightening to think about a world without them. You have so many feelings about this person that you can't quite place and you can't put a name to, but it's more than a friendship and it's not romantic love either. And it makes more sense being a closeted sapphic because you don't accept it might probably be love until the friendship ends in a very nasty and toxic way and then you keep resenting that person forever.

I am kind of traumadumping here, lmfao, but basically I really like these three ships because they treat this dynamic in very different ways and I am a sucker for them. The angst is immaculate and I'll never get tired of them.

I like Soukoku for a lot of reasons, BSD being my favorite manga of all time and everything. Dazai meets Chuuya when he doesn't have any reason to live but keeps working for the mafia nevertheless because Chuuya is interesting enough to keep being alive. Because perhaps that's what Dazai has been looking for. And Chuuya, well- He has mixed feelings for Dazai but his loyalty is unmatched and that's both his best and worst trait (we see that constantly, poor boy). Dazai is still, after everything, his partner. They need each other, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. They're basically canonically soulmates, at this point, and you don't even need to ship them to acknowledge it because it's just that obvious. Chuuya is the only one able to keep Dazai wanting to live and Dazai is quite literally the only one with the ability to stop Chuuya from losing control. They really are made for each other. It makes me go completely insane. The whole thing about Chuuya not being a human but being the most human and empathetic person of the mafia, and Dazai saying he isn't worthy of being called human but being physically one? That's just insane. And I could talk for hours about them and write a deeper analysis of their relationship, but I'd never finish this post, then.

Then, Satosugu. They make me equally insane. They were best friends. They were so damn close. And Gojo loved him so much that he couldn't stop Geto when he turned his back on him and walked away to become what he is now. It's just so heartbreaking, losing someone like that and all of a sudden. We see Geto losing himself over the years and falling into desperation and emptiness and Gojo not noticing until it's just too late to do anything. That's Gojo's weak spot. He's the most powerful sorcerer and dude can't fight his ex best friend because "there's no curse more twisted than love". That fucked me up completely, honestly. Gojo is such a complex character, growing up so quickly and with so many expectations, not being able to enjoy his teenage years either because they stole them from him like this. And Geto ending up all alone too, turning into just a vessel of vengeance. Like- Shit is too deep to explain it in just a tumblr post, but they make me go insane.

And Shuggy is basically the same thing but at least these two have the chance to make up and reunite at some point. Shuggy is the one that feels more realistic to me, honestly, because it genuinely feels only like a normal falling out between best friends (that definitely were something more) rather than this complicated poetic mix of metaphors and poems. These two were just kids when all of this happened, too, it makes me so ill. But I have a whole post talking about Shuggy too, so I don't think I need to explain why I like them.

TL;DR: These ships are definitely for the sapphics who had THAT best friend and had very strong feelings toward them but didn't know why, and years after a very nasty break up that still haunts them to this day they realized it was a bit more than just a friendship.

[gregoftom]

i don't really know how to explain myself properly but i feel like some people are really concerned about Getting A Good Grade In Succession to the point where they've adopted a very cynical view of tg's relationship because being too earnest about them is ~not the point of the show~ or w/e. which is funny because every other relationship in the show is allowed to be nuanced but not theirs i guess? so you have people going "oh their relationship was only ever about them using each other from the start" when that's demonstrably not true and like. i have really mixed feelings about this season so far and i feel like anything could happen with them by virtue of weird writing choices and i hope with all my heart this doesn't end up being the case but even if the finale tries to diminish the depth of their relationship i don't understand the point of Us acting like there was never anything deeper there? but anyway, all this too say that i agree w/ you that the way people are very cynical and dismissive abt tg specifically has rubbed me the wrong way and thank u for your service ❤️

hiii sweet anon!

A GOOD GRADE IN SUCCESSION ASHAKJSA god honestly, i hear you.

i'm getting real tired of this "point of the show" shit bc it's like. just because tg isn't "the point", isn't a main focal plot [which it is, or at least is part of it], isn't integral to character development [which it is too; without tom greg would not be where he is now which is at a point where he actually could be seriously considered as a fucking CEO, without greg tom wouldn't have learned any self respect or self worth/we would never have been able to see him express himself beyond servitude towards shiv], it doesn't mean it can't be explored and considered as a serious part of the show?

media is created for us to enjoy. yes it's there to interpret and discuss but it doesn't always have to be that way? literally you can watch the show just for tomgreg and that is A OKAY. why? because you don't have to justify why you like something! surprise! and yeah i've noticed that too - other relationships get to be seen as nuanced, but not tg i guess. idk why, seeing as its dynamic is something to be studied under a microscope and fun to not only shippers but normies too lmao. clearly there is something more interesting to it than just, oh it's mutual corporate climbing.

exactly! there's even more contexts provided by the scripts, THE SACRED TEXTS lol that provide us with more knowledge and insight into the feelings of these characters, that show us that their relationship goes beyond using each other. there is an element of that of course, but that's not all they are. why reduce them to that when so very clearly on paper we are affirmed of what we thought we could read textually on the screen? it just baffles me.

i'm hoping too anon, like A Lot. from the looks of the trailer i have a. i have a little bit of hope. even if say, tom has to choose between greg and shiv, if he chooses shiv and has visible trouble with it, like it takes him time, it plagues him, it takes effort, it feels like a real decision affecting his life, like. that counts for something you know? that would, to me, not diminish his relationship with greg. obviously it would be heartbreaking after how loyal greg has been to tom, but the very fact that it would be difficult to tom would mean that greg is important to him in some fashion, and the show would be at least acknowledging it by doing that. like, it's that easy. i ain't asking for much. i know what i'd like, but what i would be satisfied/settle with, well i think the bar is reasonable, you know?

i'm glad you understand me! i mean, who knows maybe some of it is people trying to go on the defensive like, "it's the hope that kills you" so they are trying not to have any by lessening it, saying oh there was nothing there, there was no romance, nothing positive, it was all for mutual professional gain and that's it. but like, personally that doesn't work for me. i think you should at least acknowledge its importance otherwise we're regressing right back to the oh it's a mlm ship? never mind then. i'm not about that, i guess.

thanks for the message buddy god speed <3

[fumikosushi]

Mentions of parental death under cut.

I haven't really talked to that many people about all the things that have gone on surrounding my mom's death. I talked to maybe two people, but not a whole lot. I have a hard time talking to people directly about the things I'm going through (trauma has led me to having difficulty confiding those things in others, but I'm trying to do better). For now, the easiest way for me to do that is just by making a post where I throw things into the void.

Even before my mom passed away, my family was being absolutely horrible. My sister, my mom's sister, her brother, and the man she was staying with were just fucking awful. I would also like to point out that none of these people had anything to do with her until she was dying. My sister visited not once while we lived here for 10+ years until she heard my mom was dying. My brother visited some and with his it's different because his schedule doesn't allow it, but my sister flat out refused to speak to my mom unless she could con my mom into giving her drug money (for crack and heroin). My sister drained my mom's bank account this way, mind you. Took advantage of my mom's desire to help her to try and be a good mom and my sister lied to her for drug money.

When they were here the few days before she passed people treated both her and myself terribly. With me, it was nothing new. My family has already been pretty fucking awful. My only real problem with my brother is his refusal to acknowledge anything that happened being fucked up, but I still might end up opting into going no contact with him too like I have my father and sister.

The entire time I was there, even though I was literally silent and minding my own business, I was just.. bullied the whole fucking time. My sister and my mom's sister would whisper to each other while looking at me and laugh or they would try and say things to provoke or gaslight me into a reaction (I never gave them the reaction they wanted). My mom's brother spent the whole time drunk and fighting with people. Again, I constantly have comments made about me despite the fact I literally never spoke unless spoken to. Even then, I didn't say much.

There was a point where my mom wasn't really responsive. You know, she wasn't really.. there. Like she was alive, but she was literally skin and bones with next to no meat or fat left on her body. She couldn't speak. You could hear her struggling for air. What does my sister do? She calls my dad who horribly abused her for years and lets him just say what he wants in her ear while she's unable to respond and literally fucking dying. Like.. who makes someone listen to someone who help ruined their life as they're dying? That's just.. sick. I genuinely feel as though my mother died feeling completely unloved. I won't lie. I honestly can't believe that she didn't and it fucking sucks because it haunts me. Like, how is she supposed to feel loved when she's suffering so much and everyone around her is just continuing to abuse her? These people couldn't even respect her after she died either.

We still haven't had a service for her. Her brother is in charge and that always means whatever he's in charge of? It's never happening. He's always too busy getting plastered and telling everyone how shit and terrible they are like he's even the slightest bit delightful to deal with himself. Not to mention.. my mom's abuser has her ashes (the guy she was staying with) and he refuses to let me have any of her ashes. I feel like if anyone deserves to have them, it's me - I'm the only one who has ever been here for her. But no, of course, I'm being fucked over and not included in anything. If they have a service, I'm sure I'm not even going to be invited. I am so tired of being hated by these people just for existing as a disabled person (this is literally why they hate me - they're all ableist af and don't believe disabilities exist).

So I go to my boyfriend's to try and deal with all of this and my mom's abuser is whining at me to hurry up and send photos of my mom I took from her house like he has ever given me what he owes me. My mom's ashes. I told the guy I'd do it when I got back to keep the peace, but God, I already know it doesn't matter how civil I am despite hating these people. I will still be excluded. So I've decided to give them diddly fucking squat. I lost a fuck ton of things to do with my mom because I couldn't afford a truck for her things. No one could find it in their heart to just help me move anything (my place is literally 10 minutes away from hers) and we would have paid them back too! But no. No help. So I lost 90% of my mother's belongings because they're all in the fucking dump now because the landlady threw everything away before I could get a truck.

And like.. the day my mom died my siblings were just like "aye we're leaving" not hours later and I'm just like ??? That's so.. crazy. Our mom just died and you're just.. gonna go back to South Carolina?? Like yall aren't gonna make sure I'm okay or nothing? Just "oh yeah, here's the tv mom left" and then you fuck off? These people baffle me.

I'm home now and tbh I'm still not okay at all and God, I don't want anyone to tell me shit like 'it gets better' or whatever because I'm so tired of hearing it. As I said, I just needed to throw my feelings into the void. I'm not wanting some pity party or whatever. This isn't even everything going on right now, but this is the stuff to do with my mom.

[yallemagne]

something that some modern-day media could learn is that you can have two people already together and keep it interesting. you can make them work hard to take their relationship to the next level (like marriage) or fight hard to stay together, without it having anything to do with infidelity or constant bickering. all the while they make it apparent that they love and want each other (it's kind of what makes your audience root for them!).

There's no faith in love. It's a weird thing to think about. We're raised on shit that is all "the power of friendship! and cute girls and boys!" but all the more "adult" takes on love are just "eh. sex? possessiveness? jealousy?" It's like once you grow up, all you're fed from that point on is subversive propaganda.

Even in a society that puts a hell of a lot of value upon romance and marriage, there's no faith in either in our media. It's mostly just sex, really, and then the bitter revelation that True Love is fake. I guess the writers and directors for movies are all divorcees so that kind of makes sense. And all the songwriters are young people still upset about Disney princess movies. But even in the most cheesy "we're family, we need to stick together" media, the married couple is always in the process of getting a divorce. It's silly.

Jonathan and Mina have known each other their entire lives. Their honeymoon phase had to have ended long before they ever got married. They don't love "the idea" of each other, they love each other because they know each other. Mina is confident that Jonathan would never be unfaithful to her because he honestly wouldn't, and Jonathan never tries to stifle Mina for fear someone else will sweep her off her feet because she has never given him reason to doubt her love for him. And neither of them is insecure, that's a big part of it. Their relationship works so well because there's no immaturity colouring it, no projected insecurity, just mutual trust. In my personal headcanon, part of the reason they're never concerned about "he/she must be thinking about other women/men" is that they already have experience "sharing" with Lucy. They know that you can love multiple people at once without devaluing the love of one person.

There are so many romcoms and shit, there is so much media that, instead of acknowledging that love (all types of it, really) is something you have to work at but should make you feel good, they feel the need to add cheap conflict. Infidelity and lack of trust in a partner are problems, but they aren't the only problems in a relationship. When stories only focus on character flaws as the primary driver of the conflict (Character A is too sleazy, Character B is too insecure, blah blah), it just makes you wonder "why am I watching a movie about two pricks with no chemistry and no redeeming qualities". There can be outside forces putting a strain on the relationship that the characters have to power through because ultimately their relationship is worth the effort. Romances in movies are hardly ever worth the effort because they're often built on lies that lead to a third-act breakup that is quickly resolved with a single apology. Sometimes they're just actively toxic, with the characters being too immature for a committed relationship and just being very unhealthy for each other. So the message of "we're family, we need to stick together" falls flat in those cases because the relationship has no foundation, it's a bandaid on a bullet wound.

I am so fucking invested in love. I adore love, and I adore this horror novel that has the power of friendship save the day. I would kill for more mature media that puts its faith in love rather than the idea of a happy ending or the cynical subversion of a happy ending. I'm tired of author inserts in movies telling me "that's not how the world works, love is fake".

JUST GIVE ME MORE MEDIA WITH REALISTIC TAKES ON HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS. REALISTIC DOES NOT EQUAL BAD.

[winns-stuff]

LO RANT:

Okay I just have one thing to say and it’s of course in defense of one of my all time favorite characters Thanatos. Something I’ve noticed is that no one ever checks Hades for verbally abusing his employees and insulting them. I know the same thing happened with him with Minthe and I feel terrible that that had to even happen in the first place but I hate that he can get away with it. In no way am I saying that it was his fault or anything but I am uncomfortable with the way he can get in everyone’s faces and start yelling and screaming insults and degrading them, even doing as much as invading their personal space and grabbing them physically and no one calls him out on it. That’s super annoying to me because his employees do not deserve to go into such a violent and hostile work place all the damn time.

Like honestly can you imagine working under Hades and being scared out of your mind and paranoid that if you do anything slightly wrong he’ll blow up on you? Or imagine trying to publicly speak in front of your peers just for Hades to humiliate and embarrass you in front of everyone who respects you or who gives you respect? Or even if he’s just angry and “stressed” and he gets up in your face and starts putting his hands on you, grabbing your clothes or putting his fingers in your face. Hades is a disgusting boss and I’m tired of hearing from him. His employees do not deserve to endure such abuse every single fucking day they have to come to work, they do not need to worry about the job that they worked so hard for being taken from them because Hades found another emotionally immature and unstable girlfriend, they do not need to worry about all of their accomplishments and hard work being put down and squashed under his feet just because he had a bad day. I don’t care if “he’s better now” because honestly it doesn’t seem like he cares about everything he puts his staff through. These people are people as well, I know they’re not gods or anything but they should be respected too. It’s not just Hades in that damn corporation doing every aspect of the job he has a whole team that he continues to take credit off of and just utterly shit on whenever he can.

Speaking of the damn “that was in the past” or “he’s better now comments” I really hope the people that say that can realize that this man makes people suffer every single day. In the trial he literally made the whole underworld go bankrupt and held the whole realm hostage, without seeing their loved ones or family, and for those saying that was 10 years ago even after Persephone and Hades “fixed” the underworld they didn’t even bother to check if any of their own citizens were okay. Think about it, they could’ve fell asleep anywhere and there could be instances where they would need medical attention, he literally only cared about the interior of the underworld and hasn’t even thought about them yet. He didn’t issue an apology for his immaturity as a king nor has he shown efficient leadership skills, this man has not and will never be caught dead surrounded by his own community. Never have I ever seen him interact with a citizen that wasn’t him abusing his power and threatening them. He doesn’t care about them and he surely hasn’t gotten better now. In order for him to get better and to change he’ll need to actually start apologizing and treating everyone around him who isn’t Persephone like a normal ass person, and even then I’m sure no one would forgive him because of centuries of mistreatment. Hell I wouldn’t, he doesn’t deserve respect nor does he even deserve to be blessed with such efficient citizens and actually because of all of this I’m bringing back my appreciation posts about them because if Hades isn’t going to acknowledge these people I fucking will. Tired of his shit fr.

Anyways that’s the end of the rant, I’m sorry for it being long but I just wanted to say it because it really does irk me how badly he treats people yet no one will even try to talk about it. I don’t even wanna watch this man find happiness and get away with being such a disgusting person, I want to watch the underworld citizens riot or some shit like real justice. But as I always say these rants are meaningless and very all over the place so none of this should be taken as fact or fuel to just randomly attack LO fans because that’ll never be cool and it’s very weird honestly, just don’t do that. If you agree or disagree is both cool with me and I’m down for either I don’t mind.

[pink-strawberry-kissess]

tumblr keeps exposing me cuz every time i get a notification it says “your crush is at it again” “mind-blowing post from your crush. they’re a favorite of yours, we’ve noticed ❤️”

and i be like WHO tf IS MY CRUSH??? i don’t even have a crush, and i click and it’s you😐

is me drunk anon.

i’m not sure if you talked about this before. you may have, and i have a feeling you did. i just don’t remember, but what are your hcs/theories for Ada’s back story and how she became a merc? (maybe you might want to do them FAQ shit lmao, hehe just a suggestion because i understand it can quiet get a bit tiring answering repetitive questions)

let’s get very deep with this. let’s not glide the surface of the water. i do believe that she started at a very young age. maybe around 9 or 10. and for this whole mercenary thing to work? there is no way she went to public school. was Ada born in China then gained US citizenship, or born in the US? i hc Ada’s parents as immigrants FOR SURE. maybe her family came to the US to escape economic hardships in China? maybe her parents are US citizens but her grandparents are immigrants? i’m only saying this because i believe it’s canon information that Ada is Chinese-American (and honestly i don’t remember seeing where Vietnamese came from), so she can’t be Australian or Canadian lmao

i would go on but this question is for u and not for me lol

k bye (YOU DRINK WATER too FAWK 🫵😤 and eat a something. u need reminding too 🖐️😌)

"they're a favourite of yours," YOU HAVE OTHER FAVOURITES????? >:((((((

im jks dfjkbfdjkssdjkfbskf

HIHIii

sdjkfjskfjksbfs honestly i have answered lots of things and i keep forgetting to link them to my masterlist and im also lazy

OKAYOKAOKAYOKAY so i think the "Ada is Chinese/American" has been a huge misinterpretation based on that one "Ada Wong facts" vid from ink ribbon? the video states that she's Chinese-American and for some reason I think people interpreted that as she's half Chinese / Half white. (i've always interpreted it as just she is Chinese AND lives in America and has grown up partially in America.

also for some reason it seems like Ada (to me) is the only fully asian character because jill has always supposed to be half japanese and they just COMPLETELY got rid of that imo. i refuse to acknowledge that she's half japanese considering they just don't do anything alluding to the fact that she is. she's always been modelled after white models too.

And also a lot of sites including capcom just state that's Ada's "of Chinese descent" and don't specify anything else.

ALSO capcom FUCKED UP REAL BAD IMO by modeling her with a WHITE PERSON'S FACE. ada, a chinese woman, should've NEVER been modelled after a white person. i know that for a bit of damnation? courtenay taylor stated that they modelled it a bit after her because of her face/voice???? but i don't know if it was confirmed, it was just from an interview and she wasn't even sure herself

i think because we have no idea for her backstory and there's no canon backstory there's so much to go on for DDDD: i just have so many thoughts about what kind of life she could've had.

god i just reread this and im rambling a lot just a lot of YAPPING

okay uh

i don't really think she was born in the states tbh. i do think her parents were immigrants or at least she had something that made her go to the states. i like the idea of her having to at least grow up a bit in the states (particularly in her teens) and that's also why i think she doesn't have an accent.

also YEAH i do know a lot of people who have come over from china or some part of asia and they RARELY lose their accent if they come over in their 20s. (most people have defined vocab at this point and unless they actively try to lose their accent or change their vocab, it tends to stay kinda the same. their english will get better, but i've also known people that lost a lot of their english after leaving uni for example) i've only see people lose their accent/never develop one if they have lived in america for 15+ years or grew up for a lot of their childhood/teen years

i know that's confirmation bias lol but considering ada's always had perfect american english, i (personally) can not headcanon that she moved into the states in her 20s. i think that she could've been in the states by the time she's like 7-11.

i'm not a huge headcanon-er of ada having siblings (particularly younger siblings.) also it being the 70s, (if her family complied with the law) she should not/would not have younger siblings (look up "one child law" if you're confused) i can see her having a younger friend that she "wanted as a sister"

i can maybe see ada having an older sibling, but i also hc that her family (similarly to leon and the rest of the re cast lol) have all lost their families in their entirety. (also i KNOW that the "leon lost his entire family" thing hasn't ever really been confirmed, it's just heavily headcanoned)

also

ada is not a chinese name. WONG is, but ada isn't. i've struggled with this and trying to find a reason for this lol other than it just being a fake name. iirc ada is a german name (from it's origins)

NYWAYS SORRY FOR YAPPING

THAT'S MY SECRET, I'M ALWAYS DRINKING WATER

hehe i go eat something sweet hehe :3

[qiqi-media]

Three questions:

What do you think about the book Aks and Vks(that is if you read the books)

Do you believe that descendants could have been a animated series from the start with ALL descendants kids and not just Mal

Who do you think got the worst treatment in the descendants fandom? AK version: Ben, Audrey, Lonnie or Chad?(or all 4)

I've read some of each book so I can answer briefly but I haven't ever sat down and read them all cover to cover back to back so excuse me if I left some things out.

1.) Pre-descendants (blank on which one was the prequel I think it was Isle of the lost not 100% though) Audrey was more naïve, honestly don't think I would've cared for her character if they kept her similar to female movie version Ben. I would've felt bad for her but I actually like movie Audrey more. A lot of fanfiction Audrey matches book Audrey's personality instead of Movie Audrey. I like that Audrey has a rougher personality, similar to the vks I relate Mal's d2 whole I'm not good enough and Evie's One kiss "maybe I'm just too bad" to her movie character because Audrey was selfish but she wasn't supposed to be she's a princess and I would've like to see how she struggled with that. In the books it's more or less non existent.

As for Ben I like him a lot more in the movies than in the books, I'm 50/50 on his book character. I think he's an ass, in the prequel it's implied that one of the only reasons he specifically picks Mal to come off the Isle because he has dreams about her (aka romantically interested) making it seem like he doesn't actually care for the Isle kids he just wanted to get himself a girl off of there. He's rude to Audrey, He basically implies that because he's becoming King his life is much harder than her fairy tale life and he thinks it's boring. He acknowledges that he doesn't even like her but continues to go out of these nicely planned dates with her. They make it seem like he's so tired and bored of everything in his life and that he's really only actively participating in friendships and relationships because he doesn't have anything else to do and takes the chance of bringing VKs into it to spice it up. They also instead of making it solely Mal's decision try to imply that Ben agreed with this decision instead of being pressured into it. Other than that he does seem like good o'l Ben there are sad moments were his insecurities of not being a good King are showed that I appreciated.

As for VKs

The Demon is worse than ever still the same terrible person that she is, except it's even worse now that I read her thoughts from the book.

Evie was shady sometimes but more or less the same character. They did give Carlos and Jay more lines and depth but I just feel like their characters book or movie version were never fully fleshed out. They have small characteristics that shows you hey it's this character talking but other times it's like you could switch the dialogue and say it's Jay talking here instead of Carlos and I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

Uma is very close to her movie adaptation in my opinion, probably because she was only a movie character at first so the writer didn't have to struggle with giving a character a personally than having to change it when the movie decides to change it.

2.) If you mean make it so all the characters got equal screen time if it was a series than yeah I do. I know we all hate how it became the Mal show but I honestly struggle to see how they would flesh out each character in the last two movies anyway which is why you, myself and a lot of other people think it should've been a series so that all characters could've have an arc. Maybe then it wouldn't be "Mal and anybody she likes=right and anybody else= wrong"

3.) Worst treatment hands down Ben and Audrey but in general I think the fans are too hard on all the AKS especially the boy ones. Jane was forgiven, Lonnie is just there, there's nothing really to hate besides her hypocrisy. But Doug is shitted on because he was an insecure teenage boy who as a form of comedy relief calmy asked if Evie was seeing someone else and then tried to list his good points so that if Evie was seeing someone else she'd pick him over them. Chad is...a chad I do think it's unfair how the fandom hates him for using Evie but completely ignores the fact that she was doing the same thing. She didn't care about him and he didn't care about her why should one be hated over the other. Movie Chad really wasn't as much of a playboy as they tried to make him (I don't like Chad) but the only girl we see him show real interest in is Audrey. Everybody knows I don't think he was wrong for what he said at family day either it's just a strong bias against AKs.

Ben gets shitted on to lift up Mal like the series doesnt even jump start because of him. She gets credited for a lot of things he's done or should have been in charge of but gets shitted on for all the bad stuff that is never really his fault. Mal tries to spell him he rightfully gets angry and somehow he's pushing on being an abusive boyfriend??? If it's not from Mal fans it's unfortunately from Audrey fans blaming him for the Did I mention scene when he was clearly drugged. There's way more but let's cut it short.

Nothing Audrey can do is right in this fandom, when she didn't get herself involved with the Vks and didn't blindly trust them She's a mean girl she's a bully. When she snaps after having her life turned upside down, being betrayed and dropped by everyone she knows including adults and her family and is left lonely and isolated while being forced to watch the girl who's family now has a pattern of fucking hers over, she's over dramatic and doing too much over a high school break up and should be punished. Meanwhile most likely their favorite characters have either a similar personality to Audrey's or have done actions similar to hers that have gone unpunished (Looking at all the C4)

[medicinemane]

The thing I get very tried of with people and how they talk about depression is... I just get tired of the utterly inflexible one size fits all way so many people seem to do shit. You just have to do this, you just have to do that, just do what I say because obviously I have this knowledge and it's not like we're all different at different places in different lives... no, if you'd just do this it would all be good

At what point can what I do be enough that people either help or fuck off and leave me to keep doing things solo?

You know, gratitude gratitude gratitude gratitude gratitude, you hear it toss around so fucking much as this cure all. But you know what? When I go out I always think what a nice day it is. I walked to the circuit breaker to deal with a pain in my ass (that I still don't have a solution for but I'm not letting it get me down), and I thought about how nice it was having all those grasshoppers. The other day when the hail was sending my anxiety through sky high, I still was thinking how much I appreciate my house cause without it that hail would be hitting me

Is this not grateful enough for you? And it's not forced shit, it's not what I'm doing cause I'm trying to do anything, I just honestly like when I'm walking outside, and I like the grasshoppers, and I like when there's a breeze blowing in my window, and I love my house. Is this not good enough?

And meanwhile, I'm kind of shit at it, but I do what I can when I can. The other day I got up and then went straight into cleaning the microwave just cause it needs to be cleaned, even if I can't say how I know things are better for having cleaned out the kitchen

Got no fucking praise for that, didn't have anyone telling me I did a good job or acknowledging what I'd done (and got bitched at by my mom the moment she got home), but... while I can't find the next steps anymore, that certainly puts me closer to a better situation, and I did it even if I didn't feel like it

And all the shit about like... "oh don't be mean to yourself", like I fucking think what I think and that's how I feel based on what I experience, but you know what, there's a lot of shit that goes on in my head that tries to mitigate that which it's not like any of you fucking see, and it's not like I trust a single person enough to actually say more; but it's better than it fucking could be, but that's not enough for any of you

Fucking tell me how to fix my life, concrete terms, not just platitudes; then we'll talk

You fucking tell me how to avoid being isolated when you live everyday in a way where you didn't even notice the lockdown, like you fucking live like this for a hot minute cause you don't really have any choice for the time being, and then you can fucking talk

You actually lend a damn hand instead of just wringing your hands over the fact I'm blue, then we can talk

Otherwise fuck off an leave me to do shit by myself same as I ever do

Stop shitting on what I've done, stop shitting on how well I cope for as fucked up as my situations are just cause it's not totally perfect. Just piss off when one kind word is a higher price than you can manage

You can think I've got a broken brain all you want, cause I never fucking said I wasn't a monster. I've never said I was a good or useful person. But busted up and broken as I am, I'd rather be me with a shred of decency than any of the rest of you. Least I fucking listen to people and try not to toss out stuff that's inadvertently cruel

So there it is, and I fucking always say I'm bitter, and now I'm telling you that this isn't even scraping the surface of it; but all I'm saying is you can't be shocked by this cause I've fucking warned it's how I am

So here's the thing. To be clear, I'm not blanket telling people to fuck off. Happy to have the company. I'm not telling people to never try and help or something. What I'm saying is drop the platitudes and advice... you feel me? Don't need that shit, and it gets under my skin cause it's like... I'm fucking doing what I can even though I'd rather be dead, and all that shit does is feels like you're complaining at me for not making myself more palatable... ya dig?

Just gets under my skin, and it doesn't fucking stop, so that's why I'm particularly frustrated in this case

[entomjinx]

Hello!

Before you continue: Eat something, drink something, take your meds, and get some rest if you haven't. This blog will still exist tomorrow. <3

I don't think I ever had a proper pinned post for this blog, so I'm doing that now! (Last updated: 9/23/2023)

My name is Jinx, and I use all pronouns. You may perceive me however you see fit to, and it is impossible for you to be incorrect.

This blog is for my orginal content. I do not reblog things here unless I am adding to it, or doing an ask game of some sort. The blog where I reblog literally everything and anything I see is @jinx13gxa2 . Follow that one at your own risk, because there is so much spam.

My ask box is always open, and anons stay on. I'm to anxious to leave asks on people's pages 99% of the time so I want to keep that curtesy extended for others like me. I'm a loser with too much going on in my head and I'd love to talk with you! Honestly, I'm probably as anxious about answering you as you are about sending something!

This links you too all of my socials.

I mostly write fics on Ao3, but I occasionally post doodles and such here too. I love to do headcanon lists, but I haven't made any in a long time.

Fandoms I currently create content for:

Fairy Tail (Link to the post about the LGBTQIA+ friendly server that I help run (still semi-active: 2/28/23)) (I don't currently plan on coming back.)

One Piece (Main Fandom as of 2023)

Fandoms I previously created content for, but likely will never return to:

Edens Zero (No new posts.)

I would like to keep this blog as discourse free as possible, as every time I've been thrown into it, I've been harassed, told to kill myself, and in two cases, doxxed. Some of that harassment still continues to this day, and I regularly have to delete anon asks with disturbing content. I will block drama causers without response, as I no longer feel the need to try and back sass you to "one up" you like I did as a teenager. I'm 22, I've grown passed that, and I'm tired. We can coexist quietly and amicably or we can block one another and move on.

Below this is the context of the previous discourse I was involved in, because I'd rather be transparent for anyone just showing up. Warning: It's not as short as I'd like. (TWs: mentions of stalking, harassment, death threats, and suicide baiting)

I will not be deleting any old discourse. It is something I was involved in regardless of how much I wish I wasn't, so I refuse to just erase it despite my personal growth. Everyone may do stupid shit as a teen, however, that will not stop me from holding myself to a higher standard explicitly because it's me. 2019-2020 ish is where the last of the public responses end, I believe.

When I first joined the Fairy Tail fandom, I had a real life stalker, who used the ship Gray/Juvia (and many others) as an example of why I would have to fall in love with him eventually. I was fourteen. This fucked me up beyond belief.

Because of that whole fiasko, I politely asked shippers of the ship and people who really loved Juvia's character to DNI. I wanted nothing to do with it because it brought up all of that trauma and fear. I immediatly began recieving harassment and I was being told that the only reason I didn't like them was because I shipped queer ships in the fandom and thought Juvia was "in the way." The latter didn't bother me much, but the mass amounts of messages telling me to kill myself was incredibly straining.

I fully acknowledge that none of the following was the correct way to go about things, even if it was much better than the alternatives(ex: harassing back).

So I started putting out little anlyses showing the toxicity of the relationship and Juvia's various mental health issues that are never dealt with in the series, and I've even written fics about it. The harassment only grew worse.

I couldn't---and still really don't---understand why people would seek out people who don't like what they do just to harass them, and vice versa. That's why I and a few others who didn't enjoy the ship created a vent blog to keep all of the dislike for the ship contained, and even encouraged shippers to block us, which unfortunately, did not work. We wanted it to stay away from anyone who didn't want to see it, but to be there for those who needed that space to vent about it without it being traced back to their blogs where they could be harassed and sent death threats for disliking something. (This blog is no longer used by anyone. it's been fully shut down, as it should have never existed at all.)

It backfired greatly, and even now I get 15-20 anon asks a week telling me how I should end my life. Sometimes they spike up randomly into 100 a week for shits and giggles.

Because of the way that the harassers treated my friends and I, I believed fiction affected reality on a 1:1 ratio for a long time, which it doesn't. I thought the whole "Anti vs proshipping" discourse was a firm stance on your morals because no one corrected me, yet I was being harrassed by both, which is what forced me to come to terms with the fact that I was being played like a fiddle for a fool.

The entire thing was incredibly immature and ridiculous. Fiction does not affect reality on a 1:1 scale, and it's better for dark topics to be explored in fiction than in real life. That doesn't mean I should have been harassed for not wanting to interact with a certain aspect of it, but that also means I should have just blocked people who were harassing me instead of giving them the angry responses they wanted.

I will fully admit to many of my responses being made out of anger, fear and with more generalizations than they should have been because of the above. Those people were also harassing my friends and I, so I do not feel remorse for being unkind, only for being unfair with my comparisons of fiction to reality.

I have never told anyone to kill themselves, that they should be caught in an accident, or harassesed anyone. I hate the way it feels to be told those things, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies nor the people who harassed me.

Should you scroll down into my blog, you may encounter some of this very angry discourse, and you will, due tumblr showing you the most recent posts first, encounter some of the final, angriest pieces of that discourse without the context for any of it. So here's your context, make of it what you will, and I can only hope that you don't judge me solely on 14-18 year old me's poor descisions and reactions.

[sweetofsin]

Not to sound self righteous or anything but ngl dating is hard when you're in your 20s and you have certain values that most people do not carry or don't desire to carry within this age range

It's like rn most people enjoy just having fun with dating and not taking it too seriously. For me, I only want something serious. Like I'm talking marriage but not actually legalized marriage but just the concept of genuine true devotion to each other and staying committed and trying to find resolutions no matter how hard it gets. (as long as it's not like abusive or dysfunctional or anything) That includes seeking counseling, watching youtube videos, reading books together about relationships or love, etc.

But then I also find that oftentimes the people who DO take dating seriously will still have some beliefs or values that like normalize dysfunction or abuse. And it's like babes, I get that it's stuff we all have to choose to unlearn and it does take a lifetime, but I'm not signing up to be with you through extreme hell and back. I hate when people try to normalize like screaming or yelling at each other, calling people out their name, hitting, silent treatment, whatever. Absolutely not

Like I can learn and acknowledge that we all come with our own demons in different shapes and sizes, and conflict isn't always going to be super controlled and pretty. Sometimes we don't act the best and that's just the reality of life. There's no way you're going to live in a dysfunctional world and never find yourself displaying dysfunction onto another person or onto yourself. But it's more so about how committed are you to trying your best to not lean onto that dysfunction instead of relying on it to get you by in relationships. Bc I'm personally tired of that shit

And then ofc there's the other difficulties like my traumas and disabilities and being black and trans and finding someone who not only just doesn't 'tolerate' it but actually tries to acknowledge it, offer to support me, and sees me for me and loves me despite.

I feel like that's a lot of work to the average person but honestly if you're really down to settle down for like a long term commitment then that's what it comes with anyway. If you actually want to make it work, it requires acknowledging the past of the person, the present, and where they desire to head for the future. Because you're planning on being with them through all of it

Idk our generation is terrified of commitment and like Same but also I'm not that terrified to the point where Ima just keep jumping from person to person or relationship to relationship. I don't even feel like every crush I have or every person I like is worth a romantic partnership. Not because they're unlovable or anything but because I already know they aren't interested in what I'm interested in, so why waste time?

So it's just, sigh. Idk. It just makes me feel really sad because I'm like, damn. My love life would be much more easier and accessible if I just cared less about myself or how I was treated. If I just kept choosing people where I clearly know they don't desire what I do. If I was just out here trying to date a lot of people or just didn't want to be alone. Or if I was open to hook-ups and stuff too. (Bc being aroace is a WHOLE other issue in a world where we are now taught that love comes easily and quickly and if you have to work at it or it takes time then it's not worth it anymore....)

[ajxrn-archive]

rant under the cut . doubt anyone will see it but who cares anymore.

.

I’m tired of not being interacted with.

I always have to start the conversation. My ask box is empty 24/7. Maybe once in a while someone else will start a convo with me. I constantly get notes and I look and its just the kosa post I made. I might turn rbs/notifs off or delete it at this point. Someone I thought was my friend fucked up our friendship and I realized they didn’t actually value me in the first place. I joined the discord right when everything fell apart and practically everyone left. Half of my friends aren’t online often. I’m active in the discord and try to fucking fix everything and keep it lively and fun for everyone and it feels like nobody else fucking cares as much as I do.

idk.

I’m just really lonely and I feel like nobody cares to speak with me yknow. I reblog or make ask games, and I don’t get asks any asks. I tag friends in posts and they don’t rb or just acknowledge them. People always liked and never reblogged my art so I gave up posting it. I don’t get tagged in stuff and that made me hate picrew/reblog chains so I don’t do them anymore. Im always initiating conversations. I vent too much and complain and I can be rude so maybe that puts people off from me.

I just feel like I have stressed myself by trying to put in so much effort just for others to…not? Even back then when I was an anon. I would send rambles and ask people about their day and be super friendly just for..barely any response.

The last time my friends seemed to care so much was when I made my suicide note post at like, what, 14? I was begged to stay. People said they loved me so much and I mattered a lot to them.

..And then the next day it went back to no interaction.

I have ONE fucking irl friend and I’m grateful to have her and she means the world to me but fuck I’m so lonely. I even just talk to my animals like people at this point. I try to send asks to friends and they never get answered or the replies are short. Nobody sees my posts despite the fact I have 44 followers. Which irritates me. And half of those people followed for art and I can’t even do that anymore.

i feel like everyone liked me better when I was in the Lu fandom and under the different name. I got way more interactions back then. People saw my art more even though it was bad. Friends sent asks and DMs. People responded to my tagging. I would reblog ask games and I’d GET asks. I would post something and it would get attention. But now it’s so empty.

I used to post a headcanon about a character and people would say they loved it. Now I do it and it goes unnoticed. I talk about shit I like now and nobody fucking cares. Nobody listens. It pisses me the fuck off. Oh but if I came back as old me and started talking about lu again I’d get SOO much fucking attention.

I saw friends talk to eachother in huge reblog chains. I saw people reblog their mutuals posts all the time. Constantly answering asks. Talking about dm conversations. Everyone I was friends with. It feels like being in a huge circle of people yet everyone forgot about you. Even when you cut people off they didn’t notice. And that really shows that you weren’t of value in the first place. They didn’t care. You meant nothing to them. There was always someone who mattered more.

I feel invisible and honestly unwanted. And that really fuels my whole abandonment issues. Its so nice knowing people will leave you because they always have someone who’s more important. Someone they favor. Someone more valued.

I could post a suicide note right now and suddenly people would care. People would want to talk to me. People would ‘like’ me.

that really shows that people don’t care until your gone.

[zeena-athena]

Work nonsense - feel free to skip if you don't want to hear me whine.

I can't figure out if work is better or worse when my coworkers are actively being clique-y and excluding me. Like, yay I'm not being antagonized for the majority of my shift and I'm not having a meltdown/breakdown midshift or at the end of my workday. *sarcastic jazzhands*

But I'm just getting treated passive aggressively or just outright ignored/barely acknowledged and I'm somehow almost just as drained?

Like I can hear them laughing and talking as a group and I'm just working alone and it's honestly really tiring because there's people in that group I used to be friendly with, but because they're actual friends now with the person who was bullying me and whose now being passive aggressive to me on a near daily basis, now I'm suddenly contaminated and they barely interact with me. It's exhausting.

And I told my boss that this shit was going to happen if the girl that was bullying me (and other people before me) got promoted, that I was concerned, and they went ahead and promoted her anyway, so I have no where or anyone to turn to to address this. I should have realized that when my boss turned me telling her 'hey, she's starting to act passive aggressive to me and the last time she behaved like this it turned into actual aggression and antagonistic behavior' into "well you just dont stick up for yourself. YOU need to solve your issues yourself and confront her yourself."

God I'm burned out to hell and back and I'm clinging to the hope of my business taking off because submitting applications and cold applying elsewhere right now is a fucking joke.

I miss my friends being at work. They've moved on to better places and wonderful new jobs, and I'm proud of them. But now I'm alone with people who don't give a shit and will happily turn on you for someone else's approval and I'm just really... tired. I think that's the right word.

It also just reminds me of all the times my undiagnosed adhd and autistic quirks burned other people and drove them away from me bc i was suddenly too much; so I'm just sitting here like "do I really have a time limit with people? When will I eventually hit too much for you? What thing will finally push me from okay to unacceptable in your eyes?" And that fucks me up inside. Especially given that I've had longer friendships and relationships, so when my brain gets to this point all I can think regarding those people is just- 'when will I finally be too much for you? When will you look at me and say that this is too much for you? That I'm too much for you?' Maybe I'm just meant to drift? Only a passerby, never someone whose kept around for years and years. Maybe it's not a bad thing that I lose contact with people because my adhd means my friendship degradation doesn't exist so I just forget to actively contact people. At least I don't have to see when I started going from a friend to a nusance in their eyes.