#i just had to block like 20 people i thought were my friends and stick a domino's driver's face into their own pizza

[dp1nk]

just so everyone is clear:

i do not tolerate ham, corn, peppers, anchovies, or any flavor of sausage on my pizza. if you try to sneak it on, i will be more than happy to ban you from my blog, my discord, and my porch. i've had enough of this bullshit.

[factual-fantasy]

23 asks! Thank you!! :}} 🐶

Guys, please read the FAQ in my pinned posed before sending asks, like the ask button says. You don't have to read them all- just a quick check to see if i have answered your question already and especially to see my stance on requests.

I'm not taking drawing requests at the moment. If I hit an art block and start taking requests, I'll make a post about it and update my pinned post.

Again, please just take a quick glance at the FAQ before sending in your asks. It saves both of us a lot of time. Thank you! <:)

Currently there isn't actually a plot line I'm following- its more of a "day in the life of the neighborhood" kind'a thing.

The main points of interest though is Wally's home being alive and it watches him sleep at night.. this causes Wally to have terrible sleeping problems and anxiety. But no one knows Home is the culprit..

Another point of interest is Julie secretly actually being a huge beast that is simply disguising herself as this pretty little harmless neighbor.. she truly is a nice person and loves her friends, but she has disguised herself to look this way so that people wouldn't be afraid of her. Only Frank knows what she really looks like..

And lastly, Eddie is a real human from our/another world. He was somehow brought here to the neighborhood.. he has no memory of his original life..

Oh wow!! :000 That blue one is so pretty.... 🥺💞💞

@imdonewiththisblogsblog

A BUTTERFLY WITH CLEAR WINGS?? THAT SOO PRETYYYY💞💞💞

@littlelightfish

AAA THANYIOU!! :DDDD

Octo is intended to kind'a have normal old man problems- he's kind'a far sighted, has a cranky back, gets tired easy, gets winded faster than he used to.. other than that and the natural aches and sores that came after his major injury- (that comic you're referencing) he's relatively ok! :00 (Those dizzy spells that I talked about come from when he overworks himself.. normal old man things! <:D)

Seafoam is intended to be the youngest of his siblings, and his eldest sister was a rotten egg that had kids way too young.. and her kids were ALSO rotten eggs that had THEIR kids way too young. One of those kids being Red. So because of the age gap between him and his sister, and both generations having kids at like 20 years old... Seafoam is 55-65 and Red, his great nephew, is like 4-6...

Spider crab tends to not interact a whole lot with Pinwheel and Tuna, since they are a little too high energy and loud for him. 😅 But Coco and Red are nice company. :)

Spider does worry about the crewmembers that are missing limbs or eyes.. he does his best to offer help without overstepping. Sometimes those things are sensitive to talk about.. Also Spider sure looks old, but I pictured him being somewhere in his late 30s. Stress will add a lot of age to your face... 😅

I can see Spider crab, Louis and Tuna spending the most time in the kitchen just to be around Ellie. Although if one of them comes for a visit and one of the other 2 is already there, they probably wont stick around long. <XD Spider doesn't like Louis or Tuna's noise and Tuna like's to be alone with Ellie to talk peacefully.. As to who cooks when she cant... I can see the crew eating things that don't need to be cooked until she gets better. Pre-baked bread, easy sandwiches, etc- in an emergency though I can see the crew catching fish and Louis cooking them for the crew :))

Red might have nightmares yeah.. although his family were pretty rotten so this new crew is actually rather nice.. also Coco is his favorite playmate :))

AAA THANKYIUU!! :DDD IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE URCHINS DESIGN!! :)))) Unfortunately though, I haven't thought out her backstory too much..

I'm thinking she met Cuttlefish the same time the rest of the crew did. As for what made them friends, I kind'a like the idea that Urchin can see right through Cuttle's facade. She's not used to having someone see through all her lies, see the REAL her.. and still want to be her friend. Its nice.. 🥺

and finally WAARRHGHH THANKD FOR THIS ASK! :DDD MY HEART IS FULL OF JOY READING YOUR INTEREST IN KY OCS!!! :))))

Honestly? I have absolutely no idea XD 💀💀 All I know is Poppy is the oldest and Sally is the youngest. Sally is probably around 18-20--

@spirited-splashes

WWAHGGG THABK YOU SO MUCH!! :DD ITS MY FAVORITE THING TO DRAW!! :}}}}}

@legitanawkwardmess

ALKDKJENFKJEN THATS HILARIOUS XDDDD

I haven't decided what the neighbors reactions would be since I have no plans for Julie to reveal herself.. though even if she did, I have a feeling she would want to maintain her smaller form. Even if it takes more energy..

To Julie, this body represents who she really is. Who she really wants to be. This is how she want's the world to see her. Even if the truth got out and everyone accepted her. She'd stay in her smaller form anyways..

@i-only-created-this-to-read

So far I don't have intentions for there to have been any tenants before Wally.. or at least no one will ever find out who they were or what happened to them.

As for how old Home is, I haven't decided this and its also a complete mystery to the neighbors. Poppy has lived there ever since she was a child and Home was already there when she moved in..

Now Home could get creative and find different ways to harm or even kill those it doesn't like.. but thankfully Home doesn't have any intentions to hurt anyone, especially not Wally. Home wouldn't even try to significantly hurt Barnaby, despite him getting in the way of Homes plans.. although Home cant resist the occasional stubbed toe or splinter out of frustration...

As for adding stuff to Home's body.. if Wally purposefully slapped a strip of duct tape on the wall, that wouldn't really become a part of Homes body. Things only really attach to Home if they are significant.

Examples being a new shelf. An added wall to split a room, cutting a hole in the wall and installing a window, ripping up carpet and installing hardwood floors, etc. The nail holding up a picture frame or that nail gun plugged into the wall are not apart of Home..

Though that's not to say Home cant control the outlets, it can! But that would only give Home the power to turn the nail gun on and off. Home cant make the gun fire..

As for plants, even if they engulf Home and grow in-between the floorboards, Home cannot control plants.. or if there was moss or some kind of fungus growing on the walls? If it ate away at the wood that plank would just die off and Home couldn't feel/control it anymore..

Lastly, Home being able to move things quickly is kind'a what you would imagine. Home moves them as fast as that object can reasonably move. How fast do you think you could slam a door? How fast do you think the window would slam down shut if you gave it all your might?

I hope I cleared up these questions! :00 And sorry if I accidentally missed one or two! <:D

OUUGHH I LOVE THIS!! ITS MAKING ME WANT TO DRAW THE COMIC AGAIN XDDDD

No worries! :DD

@soulful-rodent

On desktop the limit appears to be 100, I'll see what I can do! 😅Also thank you! :))

AW! :DDD I'm glad they like it! But yeah absolutely keep it to the light stuff-- my Octonauts art has a surprising amount of blood in it for a kids show 💀

(Referencing this post)

I might just be! XD🪄✨✨✨Also thank you!! :)))

@captain-skyler1987

Oof... welcome back? <:D ... sorry-

Awe! I'm glad to hear you liked my Gravity Falls stuff!! :DDD Thank you so much!! :))

@jayemover-16

Oh no no! :0 reblogging is a feature of Tumblr and is not reposting! :))

My idea is that Wally only really has sleepovers with Barnaby. He would have sleep overs with Howdy too, but that Pillar's on a pretty tight sleeping schedule/routine <XD

Now Barnaby has noticed that Wally sleeps better when he crashes at his place. Because of this he has started offering his house as a getaway for Wally when ever he notices he seems a little extra tired..

Something to note; neither Barnaby nor Wally think something is wrong with Wally's house because of this- they're just starting to think that Wally's anxiety is worse when he's alone..

Also thank you so much!! :DDDD

@wolfie-777

I don't think much would change to be honest.. they'd still be the same old Wally and Barnaby even after a species swap!

This was sent right after I commented that I'm still open to Welcome Home suggestions. Are these Welcome Home AUs..? <:0 I am unfamiliar with them..

Oof, went back and fixed it. I tend to type too fast and get slime and smile mixed up. 😅

It can be a little embarrassing when people point out my typos, mostly because every single typo I make is pointed out every single time without fail.😅💀 But no worries, I know you meant no harm-

[xhoneygirlxx]

Still Adore You (With Your Hand Around My Neck)

Epilogue: Destroy Myself

Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

summary: this is the beginning of the end. the start of a chaotic relationship you just can't seem to leave.

warnings: Eddie and Reader are in their 20s. Modern Au! kind of mean Eddie. rated R for smut, 18+ only Minors DNI!! unprotected p in v. cream pie. swearing. shitty writing and grammar errors.

*if i miss anything let me know*

a/n: hello my loves! this is part one to my still adore you series! i hope you guys like it as much as i do. thank you all for the love and support you've given me, i love you all so much <3

Also if you are an ageless/faceless blog you will be blocked. please have something on your profile so I know you are not a minor and are not a bot.

series masterlist

I pray my salvation makes it to the pearly gates,

Bring the suffering that I face,

All the things that I face,

Destroy myself just to wait for you.

When God created the Earth, he picked two of his children to live amongst the paradise he built to be our parents - Adam and Eve. The Garden of Eden was beautiful, a place like no other. The only rule that God gave was for them to not eat from the one tree, the tree of knowledge of right and wrong, good and evil.

They had plenty of other trees to eat from, other fruits to feast on, but when the serpent came speaking words of temptation, Eve gave into him and took a bite from the forbidden fruit, Adam would soon follow after her.

Because of the rule was broken and they went against God, they were banished forever and were cursed with the pain of mortality. Their children and their children's children would face pain and sorrow, hurt and sickness, and ultimately death.

Like Eve, you gave into temptation as well, the warnings you received and how you ignored them all for the name of love. From the very first time you met Eddie Munson warning signs flashed, blinding you with the bright lights. Caution tape blocked you from crossing that line but you inevitably ignored it, ducting under it and continuing on your way.

You walked straight into the line of fire for the promise of nirvana, for just a taste of the sweetness of his love. For the longest time you thought Eve was stupid for falling for the devil's tricks but when he came to you with the prettiest brown eyes and lips that you wanted to kiss for hours, you finally understood.

Dying by the hands of the man that you love is probably the worst death. His strong grip squeezing the air out of you so slowly, smiling at you as he did it felt like torture, but what a way to go. You'd still adore Eddie with his hand wrapped around your neck, with his heavy palm crushing your windpipe, and you'd die so full of love.

The night breeze cools the heat of your skin, hitting your sweat soaked hairline and creating chills that ran up the skin of your arm. The night was still young as they say, the party inside still going in full force. Sweat bodies and clouds of smoke filled every room, creating a sort of heat that quickly became too unbearable.

Quickly finding refuge in crackling embers of the firepit. Unknown people and nameless faces fill the chairs around you, mingling with one another. Despite the happy nature and good vibe of the atmosphere around you, you sit with a permanent frown. Pissed isn't even the word you'd want to use for how you feel at the moment.

Furious, enrage, even spitting angry would be a better description for how you felt towards your friends right now. A random house party in a random place was not how you wanted to spend your Friday night, but then Annika and Nikki looked at you with their big pleading eyes and the end was history.

"We'll stick next to you the whole time," they said, "We promise we won't leave."

Only an hour in and their promise was nothing but a lie, leaving you the minute you stepped through the threshold shouting that they'd return shortly. You didn't expect any less honestly, Annika only wanted to come here for the possibility of hooking up and Nikki was more interested in the arrival of her possible new girlfriend Val.

You always found something to do whether it was people watching or drinking until your vision began to blur. Tonight was different however, being the designated driver you were banned from drinking any alcohol and people watching was only fun for the first forty five hours.

Now you sit playing on your phone, scrolling through every app on your phone until your friends finally arrived. You continue to look at the bright screen in your hands reading through old notes that you had yet to delete, too engrossed by the amount of grocery lists to realize that half of the group left the circle.

"You know this is a party, right?" A gruff voice asks.

Lifting your head slightly, you look up from under your eyelashes to the man across from you, scowl written on your lips. The orange glow highlights him in the best of ways, making him even more alluring.

Brown curls fall from the the bun that sits on top of his head, framing his face so beautifully. His lips pull into a smirk, making the deep crevice of his dimples pop out. Big doe eyes sparkle at you, glimmering in the heat of the flames.

His outfit is basic, a band tee with a faded logo, showing off how well loved it was. The holes in his black skinny jeans show off the tiniest hint of black ink that hides beneath the fabric. The fire and moon fight over the rings that sit on his hands, both going back and forth on which one glints in the silver. A loose cigarette sits tucked behind his ear and a sweating bottle of beer rests in his strong hands.

He's captivating, alluring you like the serpent did Eve. You don't engage, promptly scoffing and then rolling your eyes back down to your phone.

"You know my uncle always said if you roll them hard enough, they'll get stuck."

You hear it before you see it, the grin that sits on his face. It adds gasoline to the already burning inferno that rests inside of you adding turbulence, causing roaring flames.

"Good, hope they do." It's bitchy, ice cold like a winter's breeze. Instead of hurling an insult that you, he laughs. A true genuine laugh that you'd compliment if it weren't for the anger pumping through you.

Shutting your phone off, you drop it into your lap and cross your arms over your chest. Sighing loudly, you look at the curly haired man across from you unimpressed, eyebrow arching sharply.

He takes your challenge of a stare down, watching you over the glass of his beer bottle as he puts it to his lips taking a swig. His gaze in unfaltering but yours isn't. It's not your fault though, not when his neck looks so delicious as he swallows every last drop.

Removing the bottle from his mouth, he catches you eyeing the plump of his lips. Even though you've been caught, your stare doesn't waver, only moving the line of your sight back up to his eyes.

"Ya know, it's not really nice to be mean to your friend." His statement causes another eye roll from you, another loud scoff pulling from your throat.

"You're not my friend," Your words swim with annoyance and it only fuels the man in front of you even more.

Gasping loudly, a ringed hand clutches his chest as if he'd been insulted to the fullest. "I'm not you're friend? I thought the warmth of the fire cemented our relationship."

He curls his lips inwards, biting back a laugh that threatens to sneak it's way out. You're not any better, your bottom lip stinging with the pressure of your teeth that sink into it.

Silences covers the two of you, begging for one of you to break first. Although you put up the toughest of fights, you're the first to lose, a small giggle escaping the lock on your lips. The man isn't far behind you, snorting loudly into the quiet night air.

"First of all, I don't even know your name." You counter, mentally berating yourself for letting a laugh squeak out.

"Oh, you need my name?" He asks, eyebrows raising curiously.

Your eyes squint at the absurdness of his question, "Yeah, that's how making friends works, genius."

Batting his eyelashes, he waves a hand at you in flattery. "I love it when you call me sweet names."

His voice is flirty teasing you to the fullest and if you don't do something fast you're going to melt, and not because the heat of the flames.

"That's my cue to leave." Pushing yourself halfway up from the chair, you're immediately stopped by his arm waving you to stop.

"No, no I quit, I promise." It's said between breathless laughs, his eyes crinkling at the sides when he does.

Smirking ever so slightly, you bask in the sound of his voice. Sitting down slowly, you sigh as if you'd rather not be here regardless of the growing smile tugging at your lips.

Once sat back in your seat, you wait with a tapping foot and crossed arms, trying your hardest to look annoyed. He looks at you smugly, like he's enjoying the little performance you put on.

"If I tell you my name, you gotta tell me yours." He demands, you don't respond just pulling your hand out to inspect the acrylics that rest on your hand.

"I'm Eddie." He beams at you, rolling his tongue over his bottom lip.

You purse your lips, looking him up and down as if you're bored. When you give him your name, he nods slowly and repeats it like it's the prettiest thing he's heard.

"Well there you go, now we're friends." The depth of his voice makes the beat of your heart skip, cheeks burning the more you get flustered.

Shaking it off, you give him a look that the kind that reads "really?", and he only answers by returning a look that says "of course". Sucking your teeth, you look down at the blue fabric of your jeans.

"We can't be friends if we don't even hang out." It's shy, your confidence subsiding harshly under the heat of his eyes.

Now he scoffs, shaking his head back and forth causing the loose curls to move with him. "Don't do me like that, Pookie. Just gimme your number and I'll hang out any time your little heart desires."

"You did not just call me fucking Pookie." You laugh, throwing your head back and clutching your stomach.

You don't see him but Eddie just looks at you like you're the prettiest thing he's ever seen, adoration swimming in the dark color of his eyes.

When your laughter ceases and you fall back into your normal position, you open your eyes to see him looking at you. For the first time in your life you finally see what it's like to be looked at as if you hung the stars in their place. It feels good, heart racing and air catching in the back of your throat.

Blinking out of your trance, you nod shakily. "Umm, you said something about my ugh number?"

Eddie reaches into the pocket of his jeans, pulling out his phone and tapping in the code to unlock it. Handing it over to you wordlessly, it's already open to the new contact screen where you punch in the ten digit number. You ponder for a moment before typing in a name, flicking back and forth between the options you have, until you ultimately adding it under your given nickname with a black heart.

Handing it back to him, he looks at it smirking and then puts it back into its rightful home of his pocket. Opening his mouth to say something Eddie is interrupted with the sound of the backdoor opening and the rush of the music inside pouring from the doorway.

"Hey, we've been looking for you!" Annika shouts, stumbling towards you on unsteady feet.

Looking at the clearly tipsy girl, you turn back around to see give a sympathetic look to Eddie, quietly apologizing for your drunken friend.

"I guess that's my que to go." You shrug, moving from your spot on the chair.

Eddie only looks at you tenderly, dimples on full display for you. "Go ahead, Pookie. I'll see you later."

Sending you off with a wink, you walk away from the sanctuary you found. Walking over to your friend, you can't help but look back at the pretty boy you met finding him already smiling back at you.

Threading your arm in your friend's, you allow her to put her weight onto you so she doesn't fall. Unfocused eyes scan to where you keep looking, squinting to find the person.

"Who's that?" She keeps squinting, trying hard to see the man's features.

When her eyes seem to make out what she looks like, she perks up with a dopey smile. "Oh my fucking gawd, he's hot."

Saying it a little too loudly, you instantly clap your hand over her mouth and look back to make sure Eddie hasn't heard. You find him shaking his head, shoulders shaking with a clear laugh as he lights the cigarette that hangs between his teeth.

"Hope you got his number, would be a shot missed if you didn't." She chastises once you remove your palm from her lips. You sigh loudly and pull her along and make your way into the house.

Eddie kept his promise, using all his free time over the summer to see you. It started off innocently enough, late night drives down to the lake, midafternoon hangouts in the Dairy Queen parking lot where you’d sit in the bed of his beat up truck, and hanging out in his apartment watching him play video games.

Friends, that’s all it was in the beginning. Two people opening up to one another, bonding over their shitty childhoods and laughing at jokes that no one else ever understood.

As the heat of the roaring sun became more intense, so did the relationship between the two of you. Touches became lingering like the tickle of the tall overgrown grass by the lake. Kisses were light and airy, reminiscent of the lightning bugs that flew around in the dark summer sky. Eddie’s scent lingered with you even after you’d gone home, similar to sunscreen.

Tangled sheets and messy hair, flustered cheeks and dopey smiles. The two of you shined so bright even the stars that hung from the dark blue night were jealous.

But when the sunsets came sooner and sooner, so did the end of your fairytale. Calls became unanswered, hangouts were no more, and hand holding became totally off limits. What was once warm and sickly sweet smiles, was now cold shoulders and icy attitudes.

You felt stupid, falling for someone that wasn’t even yours. Giving Eddie your heart on a platter when he never even asked. When this all started you knew what it was, signing your soul over to the devil using your blood as ink.

The risks were in plain sight, the rules agreed on with the locking of pinkies, and yet you still broke them. Eddie told you over and over again this wasn’t anything other than some fun, a way to pass the boring summer days faster.

And although it hurt, you still plunged the sword deeper and deeper. What is love without some loss?

The mahogany teakwood candles that burns on the top of your dresser does nothing to get rid of the smell that you and Eddie have created. Notes of dark oat and frosted lavender are being drowned out by sweat and sex.

Cotton sheets soak up the perpetration, the outline of his body imprinted to remind you that he was once there, the only lingering memory of him when he inevitably leaves. Cheeks flushed with red, screaming claw marks on alabaster skin, and bruises in the shape of teeth.

"Fuck, squeezin' me s'good, baby." Eddie's all gritted teeth and panting breath as he wiggles around underneath you.

The ache in your knees is no match for the burn you feel in the pit of your stomach, your hole clenching around the thickness of his cock. Switching between bouncing and rocking your hips, you're hurdling closer and closer to the edge.

Sentences aren't even forming in your brain, only random blabbering falls from your lips in loud whines with the way he punches into your cervix.

"S'good, shit you feel so good." It comes out like a sob, ripped right out from the depths of your soul.

Big strong hands grip at the plush of your hips, finger prints threatening to leave a mark for the next day. A wicked grin forms on red kiss bitten lips, basking in the glory of you crumbling on top of him.

"Yeah? Is it good, princess?" Arrogant and cocky, two traits that only he can pull off without it being a turn off.

Your head wildly bobs, drool escaping from your parted lips. "Uh huh," the only real response you can give him in this very moment and it's all he needs to know he's fucked you dumb beyond repair.

Bending his knees, Eddie starts to fuck up into you with unwavering force. The thatch of course hair that sits at the base of his cock catches deliciously on your swollen and neglected clit, resulting in harsh mewl.

With your own eyes screwed shut you don't see that his have rolled into the back of his head, jaw unhinged with the pleasure of you clasping around him tightly. Regardless of his own peak nearing, Eddie continues to keep up with his facade, making sure you finish way before he does.

"I'm so deep huh? S'deep, shit- so deep in this tight f-uhh, fucking cunt." Teeth bite down on the fat of his bottom lip, holding the whimpers from escaping from his mouth.

The speed of his movements, the loud squelch of your juices, and the intensity of him hitting into your g-spot is enough to make your head dizzy. He's everywhere, his touch, his scent, his voice. He's everywhere, all around you and you don't think that anything else in the world could create the same euphoric feeling he does.

"M'gonna-, ah I'm gonna cum." The end is closing in on you, the wave of ecstasy crashing into the shore. Although it feels so good crossing the finish line, you know when it's over he'll be gone all too soon.

"Me too, sweetheart. Motherfuck-, cum for me." The act that he had put on has finally faltered, cracking right at the seams.

That does it, pushes you right off the edge into the blissful waters of your high. Your already weakening knees have now failed you, letting you drop onto the slick soaked skin of Eddie's tattooed chest.

The two of you continue to whimper and moan as your highs ripple through you. Both of you create lightning, a pair of super bolts roar in the middle of your quiet bedroom. In the heat of your bliss, you're completely ignorant to the consequences of such strong power being created. No matter what the outcome is, at least it was beautiful and for the smallest of moments, it was real.

After the glory has finally wore off you remove yourself from him, letting out a strong hiss when the feeling of him is completely out of you. Letting your body fall to the plushness of your mattress, you allow yourself to cycle through the memory of it all.

Naked chests heave, a silence pulling over both of you like a heavy quilt in the winter. It's comfortable like this, the heat radiating off of your skin mixes with Eddie's, the pumping of hearts syncing into the same rhythm pattern.

While your body settles into the softness of your bed, Eddie's is quick to jump up from his spot with a loud grunt. Fresh red marks flash at you, decorating the smooth skin of his back along with the pretty freckles you used to trace with the soft flesh of your finger tips.

As he sits on the side of your bed catching his breath, you wonder if he misses the feeling of your touch the way you miss his skin. You wonder if he misses the intensity of your body next to his, arms and legs tangled together buried underneath the shelter of his comforter. You wonder if his bed misses the shape of your body the way yours misses his.

The springs of your mattress groan when the weight of his body leaves and for a moment you feel the same way. Footsteps are muted by the fibers of your carpeting. You watch from your spot as Eddie grabs a tissue from your vanity, wiping himself free of any evidence of you and then disposing it into the garbage can with a careless toss.

Muscles flex as he begins to redress himself, hiding the masterpiece that you left on his skin. You hope that they sting when he's under the heated water of his shower, a pang that will go away within a few days while the pang of your hurt will last a lifetime.

His messy curls pull from the neck of his shirt, shaking with the motions of his head trying to get rid of the unruly hair that masks his vision. From the singular foot away that the two of you stand, you pray that he won't leave, that this isn't the end.

"Do you wanna stay? W-we could watch a movie or something." Behind the sincerity of your voice is a girl that mourns the loss of her once best friend, begging him to remember what the two of you had in the beginning.

The clang of his belt ricochets through the room, an uncomfortable hallow sound that you wish to forget. Spinning on the socked heel of his foot, he gives you a blank face. One so devoid of emotion, cold and vacant.

"Don't start doin' this, Pookie. You already know what this is." A clear warning given with a strict tone.

The nickname that used to cause butterflies only brings mountains of sadness. It used to have meaning, a funny inside joke between the two of you now dwindled down to the name of a place holder.

"I just thought-" Going unfinished by the sound of Eddie's deep sigh.

"Not tonight, kay?" He says as nicely enough to placate you and even though you know nothing will come from it, you're still full of hope.

Bending down, he begins to slide his feet into his shoes, the same one's you gifted to him only so many months ago. Watching him tie the browning shoelaces of his vans, you wonder if he remembers the way you smiled while handing him the box, or how he felt when you said you got them just because.

It tugs at your already bandaged heart, the sticky adhesive of band aids doing their absolute best to keep the muscle intact. The rattle of the remaining broken pieces rattle in your ears, muffling everything else around you.

The lanky man stands to full height, grabbing his beloved leather jacket from your floor where it was left in the tornado of excitement. Rounding the end of your bed he makes his way to you, standing over your still naked body.

Bending at the waist, Eddie places a wet kiss on your forehead and pulls away with charming smile.

"I'll text you, pook."

You nod at his words, gripping on tightly to the faith that this whole thing will work out the way you hope. Giving you a wink, Eddie quickly exists your room and just like that you crumble.

On the wet sheets of your bed you curl into yourself, naked and vulnerable in more ways than one. Tears leak from your eyes and sobs rip from the depths of your stomach. It hurts watching him walk out because you never know when it'll be the last time.

You try to think back to when everything changed, where it all went wrong. All of the flashbacks and memories flood your brain, a film wheel of all the happy moments. More tears flow, a nonstop river of all the heartache.

You miss him, what your friendship used to be. At this point you don't even care if he loves you the way you love him, you just want him to care for you like he did all those months ago.

You wish you could go back to that warm summer day where you handed over your heart and let him carve his name in it, so that no matter what you did you'd belong to him for the rest of your days.

thank you all for reading!! i hope you guys like part one :)

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[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender - Ch. 21

When someone you dread comes to the QZ, Joel takes matters into his own hands. A continuation of Lavender Ch. 1-20 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Description of past SA, PTSD response, torture. No use of Y/N. 18+ only, minors DNI!

Length: 7.2k

Friday, April 17, 2015 - Four Years Later 

“So you’re not going to be Dr. And Mr… Fuck, what was his name again?” Andrew snapped off a bite of jerky. 

“His first name was Simon,” you said. “I’m not actually sure if I ever got his last name.” 

“So you’re not going to be Dr. And Mr. what’s-his-name why?” 

“Because he had a weird problem with the fact that he’d sometimes have to share a bed with my best friend,” you shrugged. 

Jess groaned. 

“He was fine with it at first when he assumed the best friend had a vagina and he thought he could finagle a three way out of it,” you said, taking a drink of water. “Got a little less OK with it when I said the name Andrew…” 

“You guys don’t even do that much anymore!” Jess said. You and Andrew both looked at her for a moment. She sighed. “You do that every time I go outside the QZ don’t you.” 

“It’s like you don’t know me at all,” Andrew kissed her temple. She sighed, leaning into him. 

“Almost like he’s attached to his wife and has a hard time coping when she’s out dealing with the end of the world,” you said. “He’s just strange that way…” 

She rolled her eyes. 

“Who knew I’d be a part of the codependency club…. Well, hopefully now that the new batch of guards are coming in they won’t need me as much,” she sighed. “They’re supposed to be getting a few other people who are equipped to go help with field psych evaluations with this bunch…” 

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Andrew muttered. “They’re only after muscle, they don’t give a shit about anything else.” 

“Isn’t this group supposed to be pretty big, though?” You asked. “We’ve got Marta coming in to help with processing for health screenings in like an hour…” 

“You say that like it’s not going to just be more goons,” Andrew said. “With all the shit that’s going on… There was a shoot out just a few blocks away the other day. FEDRA’s losing their grip.” 

“They ever bug the clinic break room we’re going to be next on the executioner’s block,” you muttered. 

“Makes me nervous, talking about this stuff here,” Jess said. “No one likes it but…” 

You were quiet for a minute. 

“Any other dates coming up soon?” Jess changed the subject. “I still liked Sean…” 

“He did stick around for a bit,” Andrew nodded. “He lasted, what, four months?” 

“Yup,” you nodded. “I liked him, too. But, you know…” 

They didn’t respond. They didn’t need to. Sean had said “I love you” and had expected to hear it back. You just weren’t comfortable lying to him. He didn’t stick around long after that. 

“Nothing on the books yet,” you shrugged. “We’ll see what happens.” 

“You’re just going to end up fucking Tommy again,” Jess narrowed her eyes at you. 

“Yeah, I don’t know if I should be proud of you for figuring out how to have casual sex or if I should be frustrated with you figuring out how to do it with just one person,” Andrew said. You glared at him. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s very on brand for you…” 

“Hey,” you cut him off. “Why are we talking about my sex life? I don’t get to talk about your sex life…” 

“Ours is boring,” Jess shrugged. “Yours is way more fun.” 

You weren’t sure if fun was quite the word you’d use for it. 

Yes, you’d managed to branch out a bit since your split with Tommy. It took a few months but, when a guy in line for rations had asked if you wanted to hang out sometime, you’d said yes. Sure, you ended up having nothing in common with him but it was a start. Something you were now comfortable doing. Now you were having dates somewhat regularly. Even if you weren’t always sure you understood the point of it. 

You’d only been broken up with Tommy a few months when he showed up at your door late one night, just before curfew. You were already in bed when he knocked on your door. You frowned. Even months later, you recognized the knock. You all but jumped out of bed and tore the door open. 

“Hey Kid,” he gave you his signature, cocky smile. His bicep was bloody. 

“Of course you’re bleeding,” you sighed, opening the door. He smiled sheepishly but came inside. “You’re always fucking bleeding.”

He sat on your bed where he always had as you’d stitched him up and shrugged out of his shirt, hissing as the fabric passed over the cut on his arm. You gathered the supplies and turned on enough lights that you could see what the fuck you were doing. 

“Who’d you piss off this time?” You asked, cleaning the knife wound. It was jagged. 

“The usual,” he said. “Believe it or not, this isn’t how I wanted to see you again…” 

“Weird that you still go out and get into trouble then,” you muttered, checking the wound before starting to suture. 

“I’ve been thinking about coming by, saying hi for a few weeks,” he said. “Missed you. Weird not seein’ ya all the time. This was just… the push I needed.” 

“Everyone else OK?” You asked, glancing up at him. 

“Fine,” he said. “Tess made it out unscathed. Joel’s leg is better. He just got decked in the face this time out, which he probably deserved for somethin’ else stupid he’s done lately.” 

You laughed a bit at that. 

“Probably did.” 

By the time you’d stitched him up, it was past curfew. 

“I can take the couch,” he said, but you waved him off. 

“We shared a bed for a year,” you replied. “Just shower first, you’re gross.” 

You were reading when he climbed into bed beside you. 

“Kind of a weird place to ask it but, think we could be friends?” He said. “Meant it when I said I missed you. Don’t expect anything else but I’d like to be friends.” 

You looked at him for a second, the shadow of familiar longing in you. You ignored it. 

“I’d like to be friends, too.” 

And you were just friends, for a while. It took some adjustment but you liked Tommy as a friend. He was funny, he shared a lot of the concerns you had about FEDRA and what was going on in the world, he was unfailingly kind. 

A few weeks after you broke up with Sean, the two of you were sitting on your couch, watching a movie Tommy had found on his last trip outside the QZ, Cruel Intentions, something you’d never bothered to see before. You liked it well enough but the sex scenes… you hadn’t had sex since the split with Sean. The scenes were making you fidget on the couch, rearranging yourself to try to get some kind of relief from the ache between your legs. 

The movie finally, mercifully, ended and Tommy looked at you. 

“Proposition,” he said. 

“Shoot.” 

“We have sex.” You raised your eyebrows, he pressed on. “As friends. We’ve already done it, I have a good time, you have a good time…” 

“You’ve just got a one track mind,” you rolled your eyes at him. 

“No,” he said. “I can just tell when you’re turned on and I’m tryin’ to be a gentleman.” 

You glared at him. 

“No strings, no pesky feelings, just sex when we both want it,” he said. “That’s it.” 

You thought for a second. Could you do that? You supposed the last time you’d had sex with Joel it had been just sex. You’d kind of hoped it would be more but you knew that it wouldn’t be. 

“Just sex?” You asked. 

“Just sex,” he nodded. 

Just sex with Tommy turned out to be pretty damn fun. It wasn’t something you did all the time but it was enough to you from being too focused on the sex part on the rare occasions you did try to date someone new. It was easy enough to cut off when he found someone he was interested in or you did and easy enough to fall back into when you were both single again. 

It was during one of the “just sex” periods that Tommy brought you to meet some of his… friends. 

He’d just gotten back from a smuggling run and had a pack full of stuff when he showed up at your door with a broken finger. 

“Figured why try to fix it myself,” he teased you. You just rolled your eyes and let him in. 

“So I’ve been thinking,” he said slowly as you set his finger. You just raised your eyebrows at hm. “I’ve got to run this stuff to a meeting tomorrow night. You should come.” 

“What kind of meeting?” You frowned. 

“Just some like minded folk,” he shrugged. 

“You’re being awfully cagey, Miller,” you said. He shrugged again. You smirked a little. “I’m not going to a swingers club with you…” 

“Damn, killing all my dreams here, Kid,” he teased back. 

The next night, he came by the clinic as you were finishing, the pack on his back, and led you across town to a building that FEDRA hadn’t done anything with yet. 

Your body tensed. It reminded you of being outside the QZ, like a clicker or a raider was going to jump you at any second. 

“You’re OK,” he said quietly, leading you down a hall. There was a firefly insignia painted on the wall where he turned.

“Tommy,” you hissed. “Are you mixed up in…” 

“Just listen to what they have to say,” he said quickly. “It’s not what you think.” 

“Don’t know what the hell kind of death wish you have,” you muttered. He ignored you. 

The meeting was informal. It was Tommy, a handful of other people and a woman named Marlene who seemed to be running things. They didn’t seem to want to talk openly with you there, but they seemed to have enough understanding of whatever the fuck it was they were doing to not need to say much explicitly. Something told you that Tommy had mentioned bringing you along before. 

After the meeting, you hung back with Tommy and waited until Marlene was alone. 

“This is the friend I told you about,” he said, nodding at you. Marlene looked you over. 

“So you’re the doctor,” she said. 

“So they tell me.” 

“Tommy says you’re doing some research,” she said. You glanced at him. “I’d be curious to learn more.” 

“Not a lot to say at the moment,” you shrugged. “I’m trying to use some preexisting research on slowing the growth of fungal infections to see if I can develop a way to stop cordycep progression after transmission. Like an emergency injectable or, maybe someday, a vaccine. So we can have time to excise or amputate the infected tissue. I haven’t found anything that works yet, though.” 

“What if you thought a little bigger,” Marlene said. 

“Bigger.” 

“Bigger,” she nodded. “Bigger like a cure. Like it doesn’t matter if you’re bitten beyond needing some stitches. Bigger like we get our fucking planet back.” 

You laughed for a moment before you realized that she was being serious. 

“You’re talking about developing a cure for cordyceps,” you looked at her. 

“I am,” she said. “And I’d like your help. You don’t have to only develop what FEDRA wants…” 

“FEDRA barely tolerates the work I’m doing now,” you scoffed. “I’m not developing this for them, I started doing this on my own and my boss was willing to let me use some facilities to do it in…” 

“But a cure…” 

“A cure is so far beyond unlikely,” you said. “We have nothing to build a cure off of. Right now, I’m looking for a bandaid…” 

“Bandaids don’t do much for bullet holes,” she replied. 

“When you’re the one patching people up, you come talk to me about bandaids,” you snapped. “Until then, let the professionals handle it.” 

She laughed darkly. 

“Didn’t think you’d be such a supporter of FEDRA,” she said. 

“I’m not,” you replied. “I’m just a realist. I wish FEDRA just didn’t exist but they do and we’re stuck in the reality we’re stuck in. I’m not going to sit here and wait for some magical cure to manifest, I’m going to work with what I have and try to do what I can to make it better.” 

She considered you for a moment. 

“If your research pans out,” she said. “Would you consider sharing the formula with us?” 

“Yes,” you said. “Of course. I plan to give it to anyone who asks for it. A hope for survival shouldn’t be a tool for power, I don’t intend on just giving it to FEDRA to leverage as they see fit.” 

“We have a lab,” she said. “Out west. We could provide you all the support you’d need…” 

“No,” you shook your head. “No, I’m not going out there with infected and raiders if I can help it. And my life is here. My friends are here, the clinic, the kids at the school… I’m not going anywhere.” 

She sighed. 

“Well, Tommy knows how to reach me,” she said. “If you change your mind. Which I hope you do. You would be an asset to our mission.” 

Tommy walked you back to your place in silence. He stopped outside your door and you just sighed. 

“You’re being an idiot with them,” you said. “Don’t let it get you killed.” 

You doubted he listened to you.

Marta poked her head into the break room. 

“Just got word from the front gate,” she said. “They’re heading our way.” 

“That’s my cue,” Jess said, getting up and stealing a kiss from Andrew. “See you when you get home. Try not to wear yourself out.” 

“I make no promises,” he said. She rolled her eyes, waved by to you, and left. 

Andrew looked at you. 

“Ready to get fucked by FEDRA?” He asked. 

“Sounds like your average Friday to me,” you replied, cracking your neck, downing the rest of your water and heading to the exam area. 

Things went smoothly at first. Marta and Andrew divided the men up, each of them handling intake for half of the 100 or so troops FEDRA was sending in from other QZs and training facilities. Then, the men went back to the exam area where you and the other doctors and nurses did quick exams and sent them on their way. You were on your 14th exam when you knocked once on the exam room door and went inside, without paying much mind to the name on the chart. “Hello,” you said, opening the file. “I’m…” 

“I remember you.” 

You looked up. Your stomach clenched. You had to swallow to keep from vomiting. Your heart pounded. Your hands shook. It took everything you had to not run. 

You looked down at the file in your trembling hands, skipping over the first name and going to the last, even though it was burned in your memory, just like his face. 

McCarthy. 

“Always wondered if you’d made it through,” he smirked at you. “You look good, hardly know it’d been 12 years. How old were you then?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” your throat was dry. “I’m just here to do a quick exam.” 

“Oh, c’mon now, I know what we had was more memorable than that,” he said, looking you up and down. Your stomach turned. “Know it was for me. You had… Well let’s just say, been looking for a girl to measure up since.” 

“I just need to take some vitals,” you managed, getting the blood pressure cuff off the wall. 

You barely remembered taking his vitals. Everything sounded like a high pitched whine, you could hardly hear or register anything he said. You were hyper aware of the feel of everything in your body, of every blood vessel, every muscle, every function. Breathing took conscious effort. So did blinking, swallowing. All you wanted to do was throw up. 

After what felt like an eternity, you stepped back from him. 

“You’re all set, Officer McCarthy,” you said. 

“Have to look you up now that I’ll be in town,” he smirked. “Good to know that I can just start here.” 

You knew your eyes must look like dinner plates, so wide and afraid. He seemed to like that. 

“See you around, Doc.” 

He winked, closing the door behind him. The second he was out of the room, you locked the door and doubled over the trashcan, throwing up. Your body just rejected everything you’d eaten that day, coughing and choking in its rush to expel it. 

You’d spent the last 12 years pretending that McCarthy didn’t exist. That it had never happened. When he came to mind, you tried to shove the thoughts down, tried to avoid them, deny that there was anything to think about to begin with. 

You rinsed your mouth out in the sink and tried to keep your tears under control before you rushed out of the exam room to find Dr. Lee. 

Thankfully, he was just stepping out of an exam room when you did. 

“Lee,” you said quickly. “I need you to cover for me, I have to go home.” 

He groaned. 

“Come on, we’re slammed…” 

“I know,” you said, looking up at him. “But how often do I ask to go home early? I have to go home, I can’t…” 

He looked at you and frowned. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Get out of here.” 

You all but sprinted for the door and out into the sun. You took moment when you got outside, doubling over with your hands on your knees to catch your breath before starting your walk home. You needed to curl up under your blanket, feel safe in your own space. It seemed like you might snap in half if you didn’t. You’d just started to calm down, to get your heart to stop racing, when McCarthy stepped out from an alley and grabbed your wrist, pulling you back down it with him. 

You froze as he put your back against the wall, his arms caging you in. 

“Now I know you remember me, pretty thing,” he smirked. “I’m the guy who saved your life, the lives of those kids you were with, you wouldn’t forget a guy like me…” 

“You have me confused with someone else,” you could barely talk. He ran his nose over your cheek, smelling you. 

“Bet you still feel the same,” he said. “Bet I could find out…” 

“Please,” you choked. “I just…” 

“Hey!” 

Suddenly McCarthy’s body was pulled away from yours and Joel was in front of you. 

“The fuck is this?” He asked, facing McCarthy. Your hand went to your chest, clutching the fabric of your shirt, desperate to get your heart to slow down. “Because it looked an awful lot like you were hasslin’ this girl.” 

“No trouble,” he said. “Just… an old friend. We go way back, all the way back to the outbreak. Don’t we, Sugar?” 

Joel looked over his shoulder to you but you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. 

“Get the fuck out of here,” Joel snapped. “Catch you botherin’ her again you’ll regret it.” 

“Careful who you talk to,” McCarthy tried to step up to him, but Joel had several inches on him. “Probably don’t want to piss off a FEDRA officer.” 

“I don’t give a shit who I piss off,” he growled. “Get the fuck out.” 

He stood there and watched him go before he turned to you. 

“Hey, Baby,” he said gently, reaching for you. You flinched back, your stomach turning. 

“Please don’t touch me,” you managed. 

“I just want to help…” he began but you cut him off. 

“I know,” you said. “But just… don’t touch me, please don’t touch me, just don’t touch me…” 

“Won’t touch you,” he said, hands up. “Promise.” 

You nodded quickly, trying to not hyperventilate. 

“Want to talk about it?” He asked, standing close enough that he could catch you if you fell, far enough that you didn’t feel like you needed to cower away from him. You managed to shake your head. “Want me to get someone? Like Andrew or Jess or… I could get Tommy.”

You just shook your head again, holding onto the wall, trying desperately to ground yourself. Joel hovered, watching you. 

“I’ll be fine,” you glanced up at him. “You don’t need to stay…” 

“Not going to just leave you here like this,” he said, voice gruff. “Especially if you won’t tell me why.” 

“Doesn’t matter,” you said, standing up straight and leaning back against the wall. You took a deep breath, closing your eyes and focusing on your diaphragm, pushing it low in your stomach to draw as much air into your lungs as you could. You breathed out slowly. 

“You left work early for it,” he said. You lifted your head off the wall and opened your eyes, looking at him. He shrugged. “I try to stay away from you. Usually safe over here right now.” 

You scoffed a little. 

“Didn’t know I made it unsafe for the big bad smuggler,” you tried to smile but you weren’t sure that it worked. Judging from Joel’s expression, it didn’t. “Really, it’s fine. I’m just going to go home, have a drink, put on some music. Maybe take a bath. I’m fine.” 

“Who was the asshole?” He asked. 

You winced. 

“I really don’t want to talk about it, Joel,” you said. “I just really don’t, OK? Please don’t make me. And please don’t say anything to anyone about it, I’d just rather pretend this never happened, OK?” 

“Tell me who he is and I’ll drop it,” he said. “Won’t tell anyone.” 

You searched his face for a moment. 

It had been a long time since you’d been this close to Joel. Probably since the night you’d walked him back to the QZ with his broken leg. 

It hadn’t been as complete of a shut out as the year before, at least. Not this time. You’d occasionally bumped into him when out running errands. He’d give you a nod of acknowledgement, which was better than you’d really expected. He’d come into the clinic once - you saw him in the waiting room - but Andrew put him with another doctor. You’d even seen him once at his apartment. You’d come by when Tommy said to meet him there, he’d said not to worry about Joel. But Joel came home as you stood in his living room, waiting for Tommy to grab the last of whatever it was he needed for whatever it was you were going to do - you’d since forgotten all that, too distracted by seeing Joel. He’d just stood there for a second, frozen, looking at you. You’d smiled tightly at him. He just went to his room, brushing past Tommy on his way by. 

His hair was starting to gray, but otherwise, he looked the same as he had for as long as you’d known him. His picture was still on your bedside table. You slipped it into a drawer if you were having Tommy over or you were seeing someone but outside of that, you had a reminder of what he looked like before beside you all the time. It still killed you to look at him, made your heart ache with missing him and who he was to you once. 

In spite of everything that had happened between you, you didn’t think he would hurt you on purpose. 

“I don’t know his first name,” you said, looking down at his feet. “His last name is McCarthy.” 

You managed to look back at his face. 

“Please, Joel,” you begged. “Don’t tell anyone, please don’t tell anyone. I just want to pretend like it never happened and I can’t… if people know I…” 

You were starting to hyperventilate again. You closed your eyes and forced yourself to take a deep breath and hold it for a moment before releasing it slowly. You looked back at Joel. 

“I’ll do just about whatever you want, just please don’t tell anyone,” you said quietly. 

“Won’t tell anyone,” he said. 

You nodded, relieved. 

“I’m walkin’ you home though,” he frowned. “In case that fucker shows up again.” 

You just nodded, not feeling up for fighting with him. You tried to gather yourself for a moment and then started off, Joel staying an almost awkward distance from you as you made your way through the QZ. Like he wanted to be close but not so close that he might risk accidentally touching you or have someone thinking you were walking anywhere together. He didn’t say anything, just looked over at you every minute or two like you were a bomb he was expecting to explode. 

“Thank you,” you said, stopping at the communal door to your building. “I appreciate your help with him. I wasn’t prepared for that, I will be now.” 

He just nodded gruffly. 

“It was…” you paused. “I don’t know if good to see you is the right word but… It was nice. Seeing you.” 

He paused, looking you over for a moment. 

“You too.” 

He crossed his arms, watching you. It took you a second to realize that he was waiting for you to go inside. You opened the door. 

“Night, Joel.” 

“Night, Kid.” 

***

Joel waited until you were inside to go lean against the building opposite yours, in an alcove where he was tucked away and largely out of sight. He was pretty certain this McCarthy fucker hadn’t followed you but he wasn’t about to take any chances. 

Whatever that asshole had done, it was bad. Joel had only ever seen you that horrified once, when a raider had his hand around your throat. The way you’d panicked when he’d reached for you… 

He ground his teeth. He needed to know what this man did to you so he could make sure it wouldn’t happen again. 

Joel stood sentry outside your apartment for hours. After the clinic closed, he saw Andrew go up, but he was only there for a few minutes. You must have lied to him, he doubted he would have left if you’d told him the truth of it. He waited until curfew was only minutes away and went home, making it inside just in time. 

“Out late,” Tommy observed, sitting on the couch. 

“Got held up,” he said. 

“Trade go bad?” He asked. 

“Turned out OK,” Joel replied. 

Tommy didn’t press. He wondered if you’d ever told Tommy whatever had happened. The two of you had stayed close after breaking up, you might have told him something you’d never told Joel… 

He could think of just one person who would almost certainly know. McCarthy had mentioned the outbreak. Andrew must know, must have some idea. 

Tommy went to bed but Joel stayed up. He’d told you that he wouldn’t tell anyone. You’d begged him not to tell anyone. But he needed to keep you safe and to do that, he needed to understand the threat. But what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you. 

The moment curfew lifted in the morning, Joel was out the door, walking quickly to Andrew’s. He had to pound on the door a few times and it took a few minutes for him to answer, looking half asleep. 

“Miller,” he said, stifling a yawn. “Thought I wouldn’t have to deal with your shit anymore.” 

“McCarthy,” Joel said quickly. “FEDRA guard. Name mean anything to you?” 

Andrew’s eyes went wide for a moment before he grabbed Joel by the shoulder and pulled him inside, closing the door behind him. 

“Where’d you hear that name,” he asked. He looked wide awake now. 

“Not important,” Joel said. “Who is he. What’d he do to her.” 

“He here?” Andrew growled. 

“Tell me what he did.” 

He looked Joel up and down before he laughed darkly. 

“God, you never even tried with her, did you?” He asked. “To busy with your own shit so she never told you…” 

“What did he do.” 

Andrew glanced down the hall, making sure Jess was still asleep and looked back to Joel, his voice low. 

“He fucking raped her is what he did,” he spat. Joel’s stomach twisted. “She’s never called it that, she never calls it anything. She likes to pretend it never happened but that’s what it was.” 

“What happened.” Joel’s teeth were clenched. His whole body was coiled like a spring. He needed to hit something, the energy and rage needed to go somewhere. 

“We came to a check point,” Andrew said. “Two guards, both armed, three of us. I was a kid, I was 18 but I was a kid and Jessica… She was trying to take care of us. They had guns and he told her the way to get through, made it clear he’d start shooting if she didn’t listen. She gave me the gun, told me to protect Jessica, he took her to the woods… She never told me what happened, she never talked about it. She just came out different. I should have fucking killed him, I should have shot him the second she gave me the gun…” 

Joel felt like he was going to be sick. He’d left you. You’d been alone with two children and his child inside you and you’d been forced…

“Where is he?” Andrew snarled. “I’m going to rip him apart…” 

“One of us needs to be there for her and it can’t be me,” Joel replied. “Needs to be you. She trusts you. You take care of her, I’ll take care of him.” 

Andrew looked like he wanted to fight him for it but eventually he gave him just a single, stiff nod. Joel turned to leave before he turned back to him. 

“Pretend you don’t know,” he said. “Promised I wouldn’t say anything but… Couldn’t protect her if I didn’t know what I was protecting her from.” 

“When are you doing it?” Andrew asked. 

“Today,” he said. “I’m going to hers now, make sure he doesn’t show up. I’ll get her to work OK and take care of him, dump him somewhere tonight.” 

“He shows up at the fucking clinic and I’ll kill him,” Andrew said, his voice eerily calm. “I don’t give a shit.”

Joel nodded once. This was the first time he remembered ever really liking Andrew. He could leave you in his hands at the clinic and you would be safe, that he knew. 

He all but ran to your apartment, leaning against the building across from yours, waiting for you to come downstairs. He’d been waiting for about an hour when he spotted you. You’d French braided your hair, like you were expecting a long day. You hadn’t put on ribbons. 

He caught you quickly. 

“Good morning,” he said, falling into step beside you. You nearly jumped out of your skin. “Sorry, wasn’t tryin’ to scare you.” 

“What are you doing here?” You asked, frowning up at him. 

“Making sure you get to work safe,” he said. You clearly hadn’t slept, you looked exhausted. 

“I’m fine, really,” you said, continuing on. Joel walked beside you. You frowned at him again but didn’t argue the point. He walked you to the front door of the clinic in silence, you just giving him a tight smile and a small wave before going inside. Joel found a spot near the door he could wait, make sure McCarthy didn’t come in before Andrew got there. 

Andrew spotted him on his way in, stepping over to him and keeping his voice low. 

“He probably came in with the transfer guards that showed up yesterday,” he said quietly. 

“Temp housing,” Joel said. 

“Exactly,” Andrew replied. He looked Joel up and down. “Good luck, Miller.” 

With your friend on site, Joel finally felt safe leaving you. 

Moving to hurt the man who hurt you quickly eased the tightness in his chest. He may have failed you 12 years ago but he wasn’t going to fail you now. 

He went home and got supplies. He didn’t intend to make McCarthy’s death easy. He needed to make sure he had what he needed to make it worthwhile. 

Joel stood at the edge of the small market that was near the temporary housing for FEDRA employees. He figured McCarthy would need to come through here at some point. He was right. 

Shortly after noon, McCarthy came through the stands, pondering what there was to buy. Joel waited until precisely the right moment, reaching out and grabbing the man by his collar and pulling him into a darkened alleyway. He yelped but it wasn’t loud and it didn’t take the man long to recognize Joel. 

“You again,” he smirked. “Here to apologize?” 

“Here for information,” he growled. “What did you do to her.” 

“To who?” The man smirked challenging him. 

It was a dumb move. Joel was so mad he couldn’t see straight. He grabbed the man by the throat and thrust him into the wall, hard enough to make him cough and choke. 

“Tell me,” he demanded. 

Now, the man just looked scared. He punched McCarthy hard across the face, enough to knock him out, and slung him over his shoulder, moving quickly for the abandoned building he’d spotted earlier. 

He ducked inside, going for an interior room where his screams wouldn’t be heard. 

There was a chair in the room, and old folding one. He tied the man to the chair and smacked him to bring him around. 

“What the fuck?” He looked around, straining against his ties, his eyes wide. “You don’t know who you’re fucking with…” 

“I know exactly who I’m fucking with,” Joel said. “I think it’s you who doesn’t know.”

He pulled out his knife and took the second chair and pulled it up close to McCarthy’s, getting right in his face. 

“Tell me what you did to her,” Joel said. 

“Look,” he said quickly. “It was the outbreak…” 

Joel sighed, opening the knife and shoving it into the man’s thigh. He screamed, doubling over as well as he could given his bonds. Joel smiled. 

“You’re going to tell me what you did to her,” he said. “I want to know it all. Tell me what you did to her.” 

“Please,” he whimpering now. “I swear…” 

Joel pulled a pair of pliers from his pocket. He held McCarthy’s head still as the man started begging and pleading. It fell on deaf ears. He pressed the pliers around his one of his middle teeth and pulled. 

It felt good, expending energy this way. He was taking action, doing something. It didn’t even feel like he needed to pull that hard. 

McCarthy screamed, blood pouring from his mouth. Joel gave him a moment to catch his breath, watching him bleed. He liked his blood. He wanted to see more of it. 

“What did you do to her?” He asked through clenched teeth. 

“She wanted it!” He sobbed. 

“Wrong answer,” Joel ripped the knife from his leg and thrust it into his shoulder. The man screamed again. “What did you do to her.” 

“Took her into the woods!” He screamed, panting for breath. Joel gave him a minute to pant. He could wait. 

After a minute he spoke again. 

“How did you get her to the woods, McCarthy?” He asked. The man’s eyes glistened with tears. 

“I…” his voice cracked. “I told her I could give them a code to get through the other checkpoints in exchange…” 

“In exchange for what?” Joel patted the man’s knife wound on his leg. He cried out again. 

“In exchange for sex!” He cried out. “I told her I’d trade sex for safe passage, said I didn’t know the next time I’d see a woman, I didn’t want to waste it…” 

“Did you have a gun?” Joel asked. The man looked confused. He grabbed his face, holding his cheeks harshly in his fingers, forcing him to look at Joel. “When you told her you’d trade for sex, did you have a gun?” 

“Yes,” he sobbed. “Yes, I had a gun…” 

“So you threatened her,” he said. “You threatened her and the children she was with.” 

“No,” he man moaned. “That’s not… I swear, it wasn’t like that…” 

Joel sighed and pulled the knife from the man’s shoulder before he thrust it into his uninjured leg. McCarthy wailed. 

“I threatened her!” He panted, gasping. “I knew what I was doing, I wanted her and knew how I could get it so I threatened her…” 

“And you took her into the woods,” Joel said. The man nodded. “With your gun.” He nodded again. “What did you do then?” 

“Told her to get undressed,” he groaned. “Told her she had great tits… once she was naked, told her to lie down…” 

He choked and cried. Joel sighed, reaching over and smacking his face, forcing him to look at him. 

“Then what,” Joel’s voice was harsh. 

“I…” he swallowed. He looked terrified. “I got on top of her…” His voice broke. “Please….” 

“What. Next.” 

“I put my dick in her,” he groaned. He was crying now. “I fucked her…” 

“That’s not what you did, is it?” Joel grabbed his hair, holding his face close to his own. “Call it what it was McCarthy!” He screamed it. “What did you do to her!” 

“I raped her,” he sobbed it out. Joel released his hair. 

“Where’d you touch her,” he asked. He looked confused. “You touched her when you raped her, right? Where.” 

“Her chest,” he sniffed. “Hips, waist…”

Joel remembered the parts of you that made you freeze when he touched them, parts of you that never made you freeze before. He wasn’t sure you even knew you did it. Now he knew why.

“That it?” Joel asked. He nodded. “You cum in her?” 

“Please…” 

Joel pulled the knife from his leg. 

“You don’t seem to fucking get it,” he growled, getting in his face. “I like hurting you. I want to hurt you. I don’t need much reason to but you saying please? Makes me want to hurt you more. I want to fucking flay you alive every time I hear you beg. So answer the goddamn question,” Joel thrust the knife into McCarthy’s other shoulder. “Or I will do what I want.” 

“Yes!” He cried it out. “I did, I came in her…” 

Joel sat back, panting for breath for a moment, looking McCarthy up and down. He was covered in blood. He was weak, slumped over like he couldn’t hold himself up.  

Joel wasn’t done with him. 

“You know she was pregnant when you did that?” He asked. McCarthy lifted his head just enough to look at Joel. He shook his head. “Well, she was. With my kid.” 

He stood up, rolling his sleeves up to his elbows. 

“I wasn’t there to protect her then,” he said, flexing his fingers before curling them into fists. “But I am now. Can’t let you live with what you did, McCarthy. I have to kill you for her. But when I make it hurt? That’s for me.” 

He swung, punching him in the middle of his stomach, knocking the air out of him. 

“And I’m going to like it.” 

***

The clinic had been fairly quiet that day, quiet enough that your mind wandered to places you didn’t want it to. 

Andrew was no help. He was oddly withdrawn, only really responding when prompted, not initiating much conversation himself. But he didn’t fight you when you put on Joni Mitchell, so you were taking what you could get. You were dreading going home but didn’t have a reason to tell Andrew you wanted to sleep over, either. You were debating about how up front you wanted to be when there was yelling outside the clinic. 

“Help!” Someone screamed. You looked to Andrew for just half a second before running for the doors. 

Two FEDRA soldiers were hauling in a third man, holding him by his underarms and knees, the man’s body totally limp. He was so covered in blood you were almost certain he couldn’t still be breathing. 

“Jesus Christ,” you said before yelling over your shoulder. “Kristen! Trauma!” You turned your attention back to the men. “What happened?” 

“Don’t know,” one said. “Just found him like this, he transferred in with us there’s no way someone here hates him enough to do this yet…” 

“Let’s get him back,” you said, Kristen running up to you as you headed back toward the exam rooms and the surgical suite. “We need O-, a lot of it…” She glanced around you to the injured man.

“Not sure that’ll make a damn difference,” she said but she ran to obey. 

“We’ll start him in an exam room,” you said quickly. “Want to try to maintain a sterile area in the OR but I’m sure we’ll need it…” 

They carried him into the exam room and lifted him onto the table. You quickly washed your hands and gloved up before diving in, looking the man over. Kristen ran in with the O- and quickly hung it as you cleaned up a place on his arm to start a transfusion. 

“Do you even know who this is?” You asked the men who carried him in. The man’s face was beaten beyond any kind of recognition. His lower lip was barely hanging on, eyes swollen shut, nose crushed. 

“He had his dog tags,” one man said. “It’s Lewis McCarthy…” 

You froze, your stomach twisting. Your head spun. 

“Doc, I don’t think we can do much here,” Kristen said from McCarthy’s side. “He’s lost so much blood…” 

“We should try,” you said, on autopilot. You tried to find the worst injuries on the man. He was missing teeth. He’d been stabbed numerous times. His whole body was covered in blood and bruises, not a single inch of him left unscathed. You swallowed before pulling down his pants to see what might be on his legs when you saw it. 

“Oh my God,” you jumped back from the table and into Andrew, who’d come into the exam room at some point and you hadn’t noticed. He caught you. 

“What?” Kristen asked before looking herself. “Oh!”

She jumped back, too. 

Where McCarthy’s penis had been, there was nothing. Just an open wound. One of the men who brought him in gagged and ran for the trash can, throwing up. You stared at it, the place where the part of him he’d weaponized against you had been torn away. Andrew held onto you. 

“We’re losing him,” Kristen said, her hand on his neck. “Doc, I don’t think… there’s nothing we can do here, there’s nothing we can do with this.” 

You nodded, shaking as Andrew kept you upright. He looked to the men. 

“You should go,” he said. “Don’t need to see this.” 

They nodded, trembling as they left. 

“I’ll go get a bag,” Kristen said, staring wide eyed at him. “Stuff to start clean up…” 

She left you and Andrew alone with the body. 

“Andrew,” you whispered. “Did you talk to Joel?” 

“He had questions,” he said, voice flat. 

“Oh my God,” you stared at the body. “What did he do?” 

“The right thing,” he said, squeezing your shoulder. “The right fucking thing.” 

A/N: AHHHHHHH THE McCARTHY CHAPTER. I've been waiting for Joel to go off on him since chapter 8 and we finally got here. So satisfying to write, hopefully satisfying to read!

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Thank you, everyone, for reading and commenting! It's been a dream to see how people feel about this piece while I'm writing it. Love you all, thank you for taking the time to read my work <3

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[made-by-marlow]

The Pomegranate Tree [sdv Elliott x male farmer oc] Part Four: The Dandilion

ao3 version

Masterlist | First | Next

There was a part of Hazel that made an effort to look at bartenders and baristas as they worked. It was his favorite form of people watching. A girl with cropped blue hair and a red dress looked completely focused on her work. Cooking the food, filling drinks, running around the kitchen. Her movement was swift, with the appropriate amount of rush. Fast, but not overwhelming. The job seemed enjoyable. The blue-haired girl slid what seemed to be her tenth beer to an older woman with fluffy blonde curls.

The saloon was filled with strangers. Some he knew, such as Lewis and Robin. Robin could be seen in the distance dancing with what he assumed to be a husband or partner. The rest were all strangers. This seemed like the perfect time to get to know everyone.

At the same time, it was all so overwhelming. Hazel made his way to a corner, next to a man seemingly in his late 20s, a scratchy beard stained with alcohol.

"Hi-"

"I don't know you. Why are you talking to me?" The expression on the strangers face seemed more confused than mean. As if he genuinely didn't know why a total stranger would go up to him and introduce himself. And you know what, he had a point. It was hard to guess whether or not each person actually wanted to be approached. It was a thought that made him not want to approach people at all. Alas, he needed friends. This was his chance.

"Ah. I'm sorry."

The forward stranger returned to his drink, blocking out Hazel. He made a mental note not to approach anyone alone with a beer. A social rule he learned a moment too late. Instead, he made his way over to a pool table. Three kids appeared to be teenagers, but each had a fruity looking drink. Either they each had a fake-ID, which would be hard to get away with in a small town where everyone knows everyone, or they were really of age.

The kid with fluffy blond hair tosses his stick to the side in agony, feigned or not. A boy across from him with violet hair, dark enough to almost look black, smirks as an 8-ball is tapped into the proper hole. A girl with bright purple hair sitting on the couch doesn't seem to care about the other's victory.

"The new farmer!" The girl springs up from the couch, sitting up straight rather than having her feet at the arms of the couch as it was before. Her cherry cocktail was gently placed on the table beside her. "Hazel, is it?"

"Hazel," he confirmed.

"Hazel. Help me." The blond pushes a pool stick into the other's hand. "Two against one. It's fair because he is too good."

"You know most people introduce themselves before begging for help," the other boy says. He meets Hazel's eyes. "Hey. I'm Sebastian. This is my fifth time in a row winning."

"Makes sense."

"And...?" Sebastian waits for the other to introduce himself.

"Sam."

"And Abby," the girl with purple hair chimes in as well. "Abi gail . But just Abby, please." She gets up from the couch, pulling all the balls from the table and setting them up in a triangular form. "If I don't do this part, whoever does is accused of cheating."

The smirk on Sebastian's face returns as Abby backs away.

"Loser goes first," he says.

Living in a big city with a lot of bars, pool was a secret talent of the new farmer. Slowly but surely, his coordination got better as he went on. But really, he was more like Sam. Losing each time. The secret is simply not to care and have a good time whoever wins. Sometimes, losing means you get to laugh at yourself.

Sam manages to strike the white ball, hitting some of the balls on the right and sending them in random directions. Hazel manages to strike the middle, allowing for a more even spread of the balls.

Sebastian strikes a solid colored ball into one of the holes. Sam grows frustrated once again. He attempted to strike a striped ball, missing and knocking one of the solid colored ones into a hole.

As Hazel made his way around the table, he looked up to find the whole crowd of the bar once again. People dancing, chatting, having fun.

In the distance was Elliott.

Talking to a girl.

Of course he is straight, why wouldn't he be? He's charming enough to already be taken, by a girl who appears to be perfect for him. A female version of him. The same orange-blonde hair, only hers was twisted into a side braid that she played with as she talked to the other.

Oh, to be rejected by someone one hadn't even got to know yet.

"Hazel?"

"Yeah, sorry."

Hazel managed to strike a striped ball into the table.

★

There again, was the stranger. He faced the ocean, a red trench coat and flowing orange-blond hair the only thing visible to the farmer.

Frantically, Hazel searched his bag for something to give to the other. Wood, stone, dandelions. Field snacks, tools. Fuck.

Maybe the stranger appreciated the beauty of flowers. For some reason, women seemed to be the only ones who did. Nervously, Hazel clenched the dandelions, took a breath, and approached.

"Hey."

"Farmer Hazel!" There was a strangely off putting tone in the man's voice. Excited. In a way that seemed too good to be true. Hazel swallowed the thought, hoping all of that excitement was genuine.

"Hey," Hazel said again. "I remembered you from earlier, and..." The dandelion, slightly crumpled from Hazel's nervous grip, was moved from his pocket to in front of him, the flower between the two of them. "I got you this."

Elliott's expression changed. An odd mix of confusion and disappointment. It felt like he saw the dandelion as a rejection, unsure of how to respond to it.

"It's... a weed." Hazel had finally realized what he had just done. The dandelion was an insult.

"Oh... I thought it was a flower." Elliott finally let out a nervous laugh. Hazel, still stunned that someone doesn't like flowers, did the same. Penny liked it, why not him?

"I'm sorry, I suppose that was a rather rude response," Elliott said. "I appreciate it, really. But uh, here." Elliott reached into his own pocket and pulled out a crumpled up paper. “I found this. I don't know who wrote it, or why they know what I like this well, but it's pretty accurate."

The note was placed into Hazel's hands. Scratchy handwriting wrote about each of the single men in the town and their interests. How to get to each of their hearts.

"There are only a few 'older' bachelors in town, and none of them are perfect! Harvey is really anxious and weak, but I know he would make a loyal and devoted husband. He likes coffee and pickles.

Elliott is a bit foppish and melodramatic, but he does have a nice chin. He likes crab cakes and pomegranates.

Shane is messy and anti-social. But I think his gruff exterior is a defense mechanism, insulating his softness from the world. He likes Beer, Pizza, and Pepper Poppers."

"Foppish and melodramatic, huh?"

"The things I enjoy are the parts that's accurate. The rest is a matter of opinion." Elliott nervously pinched the skin of his chin between his fingers. "I like to take care of my appearance." He began to mumble to himself. "I hope my chin isn't that big."

"It's a nice feature," Hazel said.

He looked up at the ladder, and sure enough, he did have a nice face. Typically, a chin isn't what one looks at the most when looking at a person. It made a part of Hazel want to draw the other.

"I'm sorry. About the dandelion." Elliott twisted the flower- no, the weed- in his hand, and nervously smiled.

"It's okay. It's the thought that counts." A smile grew on each of their faces as they went separate ways once again.

[sunflowerhae]

I bet on losing dogs

Lee Haechan was born on June 6th, 2000. Making him exactly 3 months and 4 days younger than me. He is a Gemini. I used to tell him that this made him two faced, and he argued that it just made him more adaptable to different people, I couldn’t really fight him on it.

Lee Haechan was my first kiss, when we were 11 years old. He and I have been destined to be friends ever since the summer of 1994, when our moms were put together in their first college dorm. When I came out a girl, and he, a boy, our moms said nothing about it, but both secretly wished the same thing. We never told them about the day at the community pool, when they sent us both to get ice cream at the snack shack, and he had finished his ice cream while I sat, still working on my Popsicle. I told him I didn’t want to share, so he gave me a quick kiss - barely touching lips - and said that was enough to cool him off, before running off and jumping into the water, subsequently getting yelled at by the lifeguard. I sat still in shock until the feeling of my popsicle melting off the stick and falling onto my thigh jolted me.

Lee Haechan finally got the courage to ask me out when we were 16. He asked me to the prom, but I said no when I thought it was a joke. He pushed me, saying he was kidding anyway and I continued eating my lunch. Haechan told me later that he skipped 6th period to cry in the bathroom stalls like a little girl, I told him that he had every right to cry. At the time, when I got home my mom had asked if I was excited. When I asked for what, she explained that haechan’s mom had called to tell her what Haechan planned to do that day. I realized it wasn’t a joke. I ran the 6 blocks to his house and threw pebbles at his window when no one answered the door. I screamed yes when I caught a glimpse of life through the glass. Haechan peaked his head out just as I threw another pebble - it hit his eye, and he had to wear an eyepatch for prom, but I can still see his laugh as we danced, and that’s all that matters.

Lee Haechan made me promise to marry him when we were 18. He told me the day we were both 20, his birthday, he wanted to march down to the courthouse and sign the documents. I told him he was crazy, but indulged for fun and said yes. He got us rustic little rings at the farmers market.

Lee Haechan and I went to dinner on his 20th birthday. By then, I had forgotten about the proposal, and had the ring safety tucked away in a jewelry box. In retrospect, Haechan said it was better I wasn’t wearing a ring on that finger. Halfway through opening his gift from me, he said he wants to give me mine first. I was confused, until he started talking about how we were destined to be together, and he had loved me since he was 6 years old. He gets down on one knee. I don’t hear much of what he says after, I just yell “yes!” And start crying. The present I had gotten him was a watch, and left forgotten.

Lee Haechan married me 5 and 3 quarters of a month later. He was sweating like a turkey on thanksgiving, but I thought he was beautiful. He told me he thought the same about me. We barely ate anything at the wedding, and when I spilt McDonald’s ketchup on my wedding dress from my burger on the drive to our hotel, we both just laughed because we knew I’d never wear that dress again anyway. Our moms faces at the wedding made us laugh even more as we looked at pictures together, Both a blubbering mess, and one of them high-fiving. That made us laugh so much Haechan peed his pants.

At 21, Lee Haechan took me to the Van Gogh Museum for our one year anniversary. We were in awe of everything around us, and it was incredible. 19 minutes and 30 seconds in, Haechan turned me while starry night reflected on my face and the wall. He suddenly dropped on his knee and pulled out the promise ring from 4 years prior. In shock, I asked him what he thought he was doing. He ignored me and gave some half assed affirmations of his love before asking me to marry him. Even though I knew we were already married, I still got butterflies. My face was red enough to see even past the blue of the iconic painting of the night sky, and I just whispered a yes to get him off his knees. He loudly exclaimed that he couldn’t hear me, and it was then that I realized everyone was watching us. I quickly repeated yes louder and louder as he laughed and stood back up, placing the silver ring on top of my beautiful, actual wedding ring. Everyone clapped as we kissed, I smacked his arm. When I asked why the hell he did that, all he said was, “this exhibit is amazing, but I could not go 20 minutes without everyone seeing you and you not being the center of attention, and everyone not seeing how lucky I am.” I just stared at disbelief in him. He laughed and took a picture of my face before holding his arm out for me to take.

Lee Haechan was so many things.

He would intentionally stand behind me in every single line so he could draw words or symbols on my back, and if I didn’t guess them, he would pinch my cheek and call me silly.

He was a self proclaimed dog person. When I finally convinced him to get a cat, he said the cat and him would never be close, and it would just be mine. The cat and him ended up loving each other, and now the cat hates me.

He loved my little sister and she loved him. She was old enough to know married couples love each other, but young enough to ask if they could be married instead of him and me. He always said yes. When I would respond that I couldn’t believe this family betrayal, he would quote my favorite book and movie, Little Women, and respond, “I always knew I would marry into this family, Jo!” And I fell in love with him more every single time. I let my little sister have him for the day, because he is always going to be mine.

Lee Haechan is a lot of things,

He’s a cat owner.

He’s a gemini.

He makes music.

He’s mine.

I’m his.

He’s dead.

At 22, Lee Haechan is dead, and I am alone. I didn’t just lose a husband. I lost my best friend. My soulmate. My everything. The cat hates me, but looks for him around every corner, and lays in his side of the bed - she has gotten more used to me being there. I still feel his fingers on my back, tracing out the words “I love you”, I throw up. I feel his lips graze mine at the community pool, the coldness in my thighs wake me up. I feel his hands on mine at prom, my own hand lifting the eyepatch up as we both laugh. I hear his laughter in every Van Gogh painting I see. My sister asks for him, still too young to understand where her husband went. She asks me this, I tell her I don’t understand where her husband went either. We try to bring him back with our minds, it never works. My mom cradles me as I sob into her arms. His mom tries to reach out for comfort with me, but she has his eyes - I can never make it. I wear his wedding ring, it’s too big but I can’t seem to bring myself to go a day without it. I am 23. He is 22. I am 24. He is 22. I will be 70. He will be 22.

Lee Haechan is so many things. He is fire, he is water. He’s earth, he’s air. He will never be 23. I will always be his.

[virtie333]

Day 20 - Life Day Damerey Celebration

Prompt: Snuggles

Summary: Rey has a bad day and Poe comes to the rescue.

Notes: Being a neurodivergent HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), I take a lot of things personally that probably shouldn't be. Just before I wrote this, I had an overly emotional response to being blocked by a person I liked on social media. No warning. No reason. It hurt.

I was so distracted by this that I couldn't write, and after a few frustrating hours staring at Word, I decided to just write about it. So, I wrote Rey having similar feelings and thoughts as me. I did manage to sneak in the prompt at the end.

Warnings: Angst

AO3

Rey moved slowly along the path, her mind a jumble, her emotions unstable. She didn’t know what she had done to make Nyra and Kolbert dislike her. She had never been unfriendly toward them, and she didn’t think she had done anything that would make them judge her harshly. She had always been friendly and appreciative of their work. In the past, they had seemed to like her, to want to talk to her. But today they had given her the cold shoulder, barely acknowledging her when she had told them good morning.

Maybe she was being too friendly, Rey thought as she walked along, not really paying attention to where she was going. Maybe she was trying too hard, insinuating herself into a relationship with them that they didn’t want. Being too clingy. Rey had never been good at making friends, and when she found people that thought like her, liked the things she liked, had a similar sense of humor, she found herself drawn to them. So, maybe she had seen a friendship there that was only in her imagination, and they had decided she was getting too close.

She should just stick to droids as friends, she thought. If they hurt her feelings, she knew for a fact that hadn’t meant to.

“Hey!”

The soft exclamation was the only warning she had before she crashed softly into someone. She looked up as Poe grabbed her shoulders, an amused smile on his face.

“Where were you?” he asked. “You looked like you were lightyears away.”

“I…” she started, then shook her head, feeling tears form in her eyes.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Poe said, his smile disappearing as his expression became concerned. “What’s wrong?”

Rey stepped back away from him, embarrassed, wiping the tears quickly away. “Nothing,” she said, but even she could hear the lie. “I’m just… why can’t I make friends?” she asked suddenly. “Why does everyone I like not like me? What do I do that makes everyone leave?”

“Whoa!” Poe gasped. “Where is this coming from?”

Rey shrugged. “It’s been like that ever since I was a child,” she continued. “I’ve always known I was different. Others my age either made fun of me or would be kind to me for a while then turn on me, without warning.” She wiped another tear away. “I grew up thinking that was just the way of things on Jakku, but I stupidly kept believing that once I got to know people, became friends with them, that I wouldn’t be alone anymore. But they always left. Always.”

Poe was silent for a while. “Has Finn left?” he asked softly. “Chewie?” He tilted his head. “Me?”

Rey looked at him for a moment, then looked away. “You would if you weren’t so devoted to the Resistance.”

“You think that little of me?”

“It’s just what happens,” Rey whispered. “It’s nothing to do with you. It’s me. I’m just not… good with people. I never will be.” She couldn’t look at him.

“Rey, you know for a fact that I get along with pretty much everybody, right?”

Rey sniffed and nodded. “Yeah, you do.”

“I happen to think that you are just fine with people,” he continued. “It’s not you. If you are treated badly by someone you thought was a friend or you get ‘left,’ as you call it, it’s on that person or persons and has nothing to do with you.” He reached for her shoulders again. “Look at me,” he demanded softly.

She looked up at him.

“Do you believe that I consider you a friend?”

“I want to,” she answered, her voice cracking. “But the more I care, the more it hurts. And the more I try not to care, the more that hurts.” She took a deep breath. “If this war wasn’t going on, would you really want to be around me?”

Poe laughed suddenly, causing Rey to stare at him with her mouth open in shock.

“Rey, if this war wasn’t going on, I wouldn’t just want to be around you. I’d want to be with you all the time. I’d want…” he paused. “I’d want to be more than a friend.”

Rey felt her heart start to race, understanding his meaning and finding it not only hard to believe, but exciting.

“But there is a war going on,” Poe continued, looking downcast. “And I can’t afford to offer more than friendship right now. But I can guarantee you that my friendship is real, and strong, and true.” He took a deep breath. “Do you believe me now?”

How could Rey not? He was so earnest, so sincere. She nodded.

“Good. Now who was it that made you so unsure of yourself tonight?”

Rey gave a little half-shrug. “Nyra and Kolbert,” she told him.

Poe’s eyes widened. “Really?” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well, I think I know exactly why they are treating you differently. And I was right, it has nothing to do with you.”

“What do you mean?”

“They’re jealous.”

“Jealous?”

He nodded. “Jealous because you have only been with us for a couple of months now, and you’ve already established yourself as an elite member of Leia’s team. And it’s not because you’re a Jedi. You’re just that good at strategy and diplomacy.”

He looked over to his left and his eyebrows rose. Rey looked too and saw the subjects of their discussion. Poe suddenly turned to move next to her, throwing his arm over her shoulders and coaxing her to walk with him.

“And not to boast, but they probably don’t like the fact that you’re such good friends with me,” he said.

Rey had never been a touchy-feely kind of person, mostly because she hadn’t had much experience with physical affection, but she really liked being pressed up against Poe’s side, his arm tight around her.

“I thought you couldn’t afford to offer more than friendship right now?” she teased.

“Well,” he said softly, squeezing her even closer. “Friends can snuggle, can’t they?”

Rey found herself bringing her arm around his back, then rested her head on his shoulder as they walked along.

“Yeah,” she whispered, feeling amazingly content and comforted. “I guess they can.”

[razorsadness]

The next night was the Poetry and Pride event, so I got queer-punked up: kohl-lined my eyes, put in one stud earring and one dangly earring, put some pins on my Joe Strummer/Know Your Rights bag; wore my W/IFS/Sticks & Stones tee that I cut the sleeves off last year, my cut-off denim short-shorts, my Doc Martens. Then I drove up to my old stomping grounds of Bay View. It was a night rife with nostalgia, but what night isn’t, am I right? Haha, but seriously though, this one was especially nostalgic. I mean, the drive up, taking the backroads to Milwaukee, past all the fields heavy with summer, listening to The Clash, it made me think of driving with A. on those same roads, listening to those same tunes, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 years ago. For a split second, I thought if I looked over to the passenger seat, she’d be there, feet up on the dash, smoking a cigarette, singing along to “Guns of Brixton.” Of course she wasn’t, and of course that made me a little sad, but it was a happy sadness. And then Bay View, Bay View, the neighborhood I lived in for three years and spent so much time in both before and since. But I hadn’t spent any time in that neighborhood since August 2019, when I went to the Cactus Club to see what I didn’t know then would be my last World/Inferno show ever. It was good to be in Bay View; so much has changed but so much of it is still the same. And it was a proper Milwaukee summer night, the air thick with heat and everyone out and about.

I’d never been to Sugar Maple—the place where the event was—before. It’s a great bar, with a fantastic selection of whiskies and beers. I got a double of Buffalo Trace but the bartender poured more like a triple, and didn’t even charge me extra for it. Then I headed back to the event room, found a seat near my friend N.M., checked in with T. to let them know I had arrived. The other poets were fantastic. Some were new to me, some were people I’d seen at the Vista 59 poetry nights. But everyone was on that night, sharing their own words as well as others’. Someone told a story of the Black Nite Brawl, a riot at a gay bar in Milwaukee that happened eight years before Stonewall. Someone read some fragments of Sappho; someone read a Walt Whitman poem. And I was on that night, too, my spoken word mojo was definitely there, unlike my last reading back in May. (Didn’t hurt that this place actually had good lighting and a proper performance space.) I started with an excerpt from “forget the fuck away from me,” the part where I say fuck you / I’m Allen Ginsberg’s daughter, and then after that I mentioned that one of my favorite poems of Allen’s is his one about Walt Whitman, and I recited a bit of “A Supermarket in California:” Who killed the pork chops? What price bananas? Are you my angel? Then I read an excerpt from the gender-and-sexuality issue of Reckless Chants, a segment about being nonbinary but still having people gender me as Woman because I’m femme. I closed with one of my fanzine poems, “no man (born with a living soul),” and that felt like legit magic, like I cast a spell. I brought the house down with that one; I’m not kidding, people actually stood up to clap and cheer.

Then it was intermission, so I went outside and had a cigarette, and wandered down the block a bit, taking photos of interesting stickers, scoping the other people out and about, smelling weedsmoke from somewhere nearby. I remembered, again, that moments like that are when I feel the most like myself, the most free and content—when I’m alone, wandering a city, taking some pictures, taking in everything around me, maybe talking to some strangers, maybe just keeping to myself. I realized, also, that I was no longer afraid of running into S. and W. I spent a good five years—between the Great Friend Exodus of 2014 and the W/IFS show in August 2019—being a little freaked out every time I was in Bay View, that I might run into them (or other old friends from that time in my life). Not because I thought they’d do anything to me, necessarily, or even talk to me, just that it would be weird and sad. But I think that W/IFS show kinda got me past it. Because I was 100% certain they’d be there, and they weren’t, and then I had such a great time at the show that I realized even if they had been there, I would’ve been okay. Because I had other good friends there, some of them actual members of the band. And even though this time I was all alone…yeah, I wasn’t afraid. It’s been long enough, now, that the extreme psychic pain I was in for those five years has dulled to a slight pang. And anyway, I didn’t see them that night, either.

Then back inside, where I ordered a Sea Foam Sour beer, and sat back down in the event room. A gorgeous shorn-headed femme approached me, said they loved and could totally relate to the piece from my zine that I’d read. They were wearing a dress, red lipstick, and lots of jewelry, and said: “I’m genderfluid, too, but I often dress like this—because I like it. And yeah, people see my body in these clothes and see a Girl.” Then we discussed the whole ‘to cut my tits off or not to cut my tits off’ dilemma, and we both agreed it would be great if tits were just removable, like you could just take ‘em off and put ‘em back on as desired.

I sipped my beer, watched the musicians. They weren’t what I was in the mood for that night—I wanted something loud fast rules—but they were really good. Around 9:30, I slipped out and headed home.

The drive home was nostalgic, too. I blasted Idles, drove Highway 32 the whole way, that road I know so well. Drove through all the sleepy blinking-stoplight towns south of Milwaukee, then on into the wilds near the lake, where I could smell sweet grass and the musk of skunks.

[from a journal entry, 7/9/23]

[whatwasupthere]

So What Happened

Nothing I'm about to put in front of you is a work of fiction.

It's about 1999. I'm 7 years old, and my dad is 56. I know, old dad. It's weird, but he's seen a lot.

We're watching X-Files. We always watch FOX, because our old Zenith television with the knobs and the rabbit ears gets two channels- FOX and ABC, and ABC is showing like... whatever ABC showed at night. It wasn't The Simpsons, so neither of us was getting up to mess with the knob.

That meant The Simpsons, probably King of the Hill, maybe some show that didn't last like The PJs or Titus or something, and then your primetime block before the 10 o'clock news.

So it was around 9:45 PM. I'm up late. Always get to stay up later with dad.

I ask him the question any kid might ask their dad during the X-Files.

"Dad, have you ever seen a UFO?"

Now, you ought to understand- my dad was a bullshitter. He got a kick out of yanking people around, and he'd been alive long enough to have a million ways to do it. He would always start up his tall tales with a healthy "welllllllll," and put his hands on his knees and lean in, as if confiding in you, for the rest.

He didn't do that, this time. If anything, it might've been the first time he addressed me like I was a grown adult, which was odd for a child of seven. Used specific names and measurements, even if I didn't have reference for them because, again, I was seven. But it's that distinctiveness, both in how he chose to speak and his tone, that makes me remember.

He said:

"It was before you were born- I was coming home real late one night, driving through Havelock down Highway 70. And I remember I was looking off to the side of the road at some of the old fields coming up ahead, and I noticed I couldn't see any stars overhead. I pulled off to the side of the road and looked out into one of those fallow fields, and noticed I could see stars, but only past the edge of something. I followed that edge with my eyes and realized I was looking at a big, black triangle, with a light at each corner. It didn't make a sound, and it was just sitting idle there."

Now, as a seven year old, who knows my dad is a bullshitter, I was excited to have some new weird thing to say to my friends at school, and really didn't care whether or not it was true. But it did stick with me, partially because of how he said it, and partially because of my own playground parroting.

And for 23 years, that's all it ever was to me. Just a dad story. He passed away in 2011, and it became one of the little things I had left. One reminder of many, along with his old jacket, some harmonicas, and his keys, complete with Food Lion MVP card and AutoZone membership.

By 2022 I had crossed the entire country, from North Carolina to Iowa to Washington, and I was in a Half-Price Books a couple of buses away from Seattle. I had a small fascination with the "Time Life Mysteries of the Unknown" collection because my grandma had some that I used to enjoy, and I was hoping to start my own collection up. (I currently have 26 of 32.)

The man who curated that section of the store talked with me, and I brought up the subject of my dad's sighting story, and told it just as I did in this post. The man gave me a thoughtful "hmm," and then, "before you were born? Well when was that?"

So I told him, 1992. And he nodded, and said, "well, that makes sense, because in the early 90s, there were lots of those black delta UFOs being seen over Belgium."

And this freaked me right out.

Let me just link you to the wikipedia page for the Belgian UFO Wave real quick.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belgian_UFO_wave

See that CGI reconstruction? That's something I guarantee my dad never saw in his life, he certainly wasn't keyed into Belgian news- he might watch the occasional episode of Inside Edition or 20/20, but this was a guy who didn't much care for news unless it was from city hall and it was about filling potholes.

And yet he described with that strange, talk-to-my-kid-like-an-adult specificity, something so very similar to what's depicted in CGI there.

So after 23 years of nothing, suddenly this tiny bit of connective tissue to my dad- a guy I had complicated feelings about, who I hated for years, who I presently miss dearly- becomes something I really need to understand.

I don't know what the hell he saw, but if I could find out, that would connect us in a way we never got to be when he was alive.

Since then, I've been trying to learn a lot. I gravitate toward guys like Joe McMoneagle and Bob Lazar- men who are, in many ways, extraordinarily boring. And I don't mean that as an insult- they tell their story in a grounded way, and the story never changes. When prompted to dig for more, they don't make up anything new.

I've been listening to a lot of Art Bell- Coast to Coast AM, Dreamland, Dark Matter, Midnight in the Desert, on my commute back and forth to work. It's an interesting way to hear these stories, because he approached his guests with healthy skepticism, but also gave them room to speak, heard them out, and asked questions that continued the conversation.

Sometimes you can tell something is pure woo. Sometimes you hope something is pure woo. But occasionally you see- and I use this phrase a lot, sorry- connective tissue, between one story and the next. Small things, like descriptors of alien behavior, or ship movement, or parts of theories that line up with other theories.

In an effort not to Pepe Silvia myself, I take great care not to cobble together a unified theory of my own- I'm not the one. I can recognize patterns and draw my own conclusions, but I don't dare for a second suggest that any of it is stone-cold fact. Not just yet.

But I do wanna know what dad saw. What was up there?

(If you frequent any of the tags I put on this post, sorry for the lengthy text wall I'm dropping in there. I'd usually do a readmore, but... well, I want this thing to be seen. I want to talk about it, you know?)

[averytiredfanfictionwriter]

Where have I been?

Not entirely sure who'll care what I have to say, but I'm gonna say it anyways just like with the Skydoesminecraft situation. I will not be writing for Minecraft youtubers anymore, save for the Hermitcraft community. They seem to be the only ones that I watch that are consistently good creators. Unfortunately, I will not be writing for anything dsmp related, even though I'd stopped a while ago. Trying to write any of the remaining ideas I had concerning Techno is just too painful still, and I don't know if it'll ever stop being painful. And with the allegations that came out against Wilbur and most recently George, I don't feel comfortable engaging with their content/the streamers who are still friends with them. This extends to all of the "dream team" and the band Lovejoy, seeing as they have yet to make a public statement, at least that I'd seen.

All that said, what will my content look like seeing as I haven't posted in at least a year? Well, there's going to be some changes. I've grown out of fandoms, and into new ones in the last year. I got really into the Modern Warfare series and Call of Duty: Ghosts throughout last year, so some of those guys and girls might make an appearance on my page occasionally. Hermitcraft might also make an appearance, with the fics being in the same style as the other hermit fic I'd posted. Outside of that, I can't give an exact list anymore because I haven't felt truly interested in anything. I'd lost the ability to enjoy all the things I used to enjoy as I got further into my depression, and it all culminated in my making a few drastic changes in May of last year. I left my job and got a better paying one working overnights because I would cry going home at just how awful my days were and how poorly treated I'd been for the 4 years I worked there. I made a bunch of new friends online and got into some niche internet drama outside of Tumblr that I might share my side of in the next few months- not to drag up old fights, but to warn people who might be thinking of or currently watch a certain TikTok creator. I'm about to DM my first D&D campaign with some of my new friends and I'm very excited about it because I've spent more than 7 months planning and creating it.

But most importantly, in my time away I realized a lot. I've been dealing with major writers block for more than a year because every time I tried to write I compared myself to the other writers I follow on here. Specifically in the modern warfare community. I had so many ideas for fics, but every time I sat down to write them they wouldn't come out as good as I wanted them, or it wasn't up to the standard that I was trying to meet because I thought that no one would read it if I didn't meet that. Even now, just venting, I'm worried about how many likes and how much engagement this post will get and that's such an awful mentality to have. I used to love writing, and I still do. But I've learned to accept that it's okay to be at a different level of writing than the others on here, and that I shouldn't stop just because my characterization sucks or sometimes the plot is a little rocky. I shouldn't be worried about all of that, because writing fanfiction started as me writing for myself. It all started, way back when I was a young teenager, making a Wattpad account and writing my first fic, which I believe was a purge fanfiction with Skydoesminecraft and the rest of Sky Media. I'm 21 now, and I can definitely say I've improved, but I'm tired of trying to base my improvement on how good everyone else is. I'm tired of being depressed about how other writers make it look so easy to just have these great, cinematic moments in their fics with wonderful lines that stick with you after you finish reading them.

So, back to the question. What will my content look like? It'll look like whatever I want it to look like. I'm going to write for who I want, when I want. If that means posting 20 batman fanfics in a row, and then making a complete 180 to Hermitcraft or Criminal Minds or even House, then so be it. But I'm going to be doing it for me, and not for how many likes and followers a particular character or fandom will get me.

If you read all this, thank you. I really do appreciate everyone who's ever engaged with my stuff on this site, it truly does mean the world to me.

(Also, quick aside. If you're from the HermitCraft fandom and you write weird nsfw with them, for the love of god block me now. I saw a fic where Grian rapes Docm, and I'm never going to be able to unsee it thanks to it not being tagged right. They are all real, grown people with families. What the fuck.)

[sarcasticfina]

I posted 2,616 times in 2022

18 posts created (1%)

2,598 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@absentlyabbie

@fullmetalfisting

@sarah-yyy

@holypiercednipplesbatman

I tagged 2,606 of my posts in 2022

#queue queue ca choo - 2,532 posts

#[text] - 746 posts

#series: 911 - 307 posts

#tv: 911 - 293 posts

#[twitter] - 229 posts

#otp - 225 posts

#eddie diaz - 181 posts

#evan buckley - 180 posts

#light of my life - 134 posts

#buddie - 107 posts

Longest Tag: 105 characters

#tho i find indigenous to be a very large umbrella depending on what country of origin we're talking about

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I wanted to congratulate you on quitting! I know it’s a scary thing to go through but you will be so much happier in the long run! And I really hope your next job is one you love 💛

ref post

thank you! <3

this is 5 months late, but i just wanted to let everyone know that quitting really was the best thing i've ever done. the sheer amount of relief i had at leaving an incredibly toxic working environment that was just filled with a lot of lateral violence and an abusive manager. i sometimes miss my coworkers and the clients, but how i felt 5 months ago, not just about my job but about life in general, is vastly different to how i feel today.

i found a wonderful job that i love, that i'm good at, and that has just embraced me whole-heartedly. it's supportive, the work is fulfilling, and my team of coworkers and management are all fantastic. it helps too that i got a $5 raise, which means that i can comfortably pay my bills, create a safety cushion, and send money to my sister who has been dealing with a lot of medical issues.

my head is clearer and i'm feeling so, so good about the transition. it was scary as hell to walk away from a job i'd been doing for 4.5 years but it was so worth it and i'm so grateful that i did.

20 notes - Posted July 21, 2022

#4

fic: i'm not yours (but i can be for a night) category: harry potter ship: hermione granger/james potter rating: explicit/nc-17 prompt: pictured above tags: marauders!era; friends with benefits; first time word count:  9,806

preview:

Hermione reached an elbow over and bumped his. "What did you want to ask me?"

"Uh…" A flush filled James' face. "It's kinda personal. I probably shouldn't."

Hermione's eyes narrowed curiously. "How personal?"

"Just… I guess I was wondering if I was the only one in our year that hasn't… That's still…" He glanced at her and then away. "Everyone I know has already had, uh…"

"Sex?" Hermione couldn't help a beat of surprise. "You haven't then?"

"Have you?" he blurted nervously.

Hermione watched the pink fusing his cheeks turn even darker. "No."

read more: ao3 ↳ please try to leave a comment / kudos!

23 notes - Posted August 31, 2022

#3

i've been on tumblr for like a decade or so now, and for the most part that's been a good experience. i stick to my fandoms and my mutuals and i write my fic. every once in a while, discourse wanders my way and i get to decide to engage or not. i have no interest in engaging currently. the very idea of arguing with people over something we either love or hate in opposing fashion sounds and is exhausting. so, i fully invite anyone who just doesn't like or agree with me to block me. it doesn't have to be deep. we like/think/want/feel different things and there's this nifty option to never see/hear from each other again that can only improve both of our lives. so like... do that. ✌️

36 notes - Posted August 27, 2022

#2

finally quit a job that was sucking the life out of me

62 notes - Posted February 25, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

this whole time i thought blorbo was another fandom ya’ll were in and not a term of endearment for characters you like. that word scrapes the soft tissue of my brain. it makes me think of minions and my feral little mind wants to ritualistically sacrifice it to a pagan god.

180 notes - Posted August 31, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[harrison-abbott]

scary flowers

“Come through here!” she summoned. I was quick to get to her because she was already flustered, nippy, nipped up. The in laws were coming around tonight and she was keen to make a good impression … and she was also a woman with almost zilch social understanding and despised having foreigners in her house or any guests of any kind and what made it all worse was that she hated group situations and was convinced that the in laws already disliked her. So she’d been drinking wine to curb her emotions. I suppose it worked, for her. It certainly did not work for me. I hated her. Especially when she was drunk because it usually meant a thrashing. Clouts across the scalp. Sometimes worse. (I was still too small to defend myself. But, hey: she was sure sowing psychological seeds for utter revenge that I would unleash when I was older. Those are whole other stories, though. Let’s stick to childhood for just now.)

“I need you to get some sunflowers,” she said. And she thrust a big twenty pound note in my hand. I was not used to holding this amount of cash. “You know what sunflowers look like, right?” I nodded. “They’ll be down at the supermarket. Or if you can’t find them there then there’s a florist on the main street. Okay?” I hovered there. She poured some further wine. Then glared at me as she drank – which was the cue for me to bounce. So I did.

All the way to the supermarket I was terrified that I’d lose the money. It was like carrying a thin slice of dynamite. I saw some of my friends. Well – some of the kids from the block, playing with a bouncy ball. They hailed me and waved and I really wanted to go and play with them (go and be with them forever and never have to go back to mother) but I just told them I had to go to the shop and then I moved on.

It was a hot afternoon. My forehead was shiny when I went through the store doors and I felt their air whoosh across my skin. I’d been to the store on my own before; but not armed with this much money. And I knew nothing about flowers. The last time there had been flowers in the house was after Mum had fallen down the steps outside and cracked her ankle. That was back in December near Christmas. The steps were icy and she’d come home from the town and slipped and she screamed. And the lady next door neighbour heard her terror and came out and called an ambulance. And then she bought these Get Well Soon bouquet of roses, for mother. Which I thought was odd, because it was mother who should have been giving her a present and not the other way around.

I found some sunflowers in the flowery section. They’ve always scared me, these flowers. And not just because of this story I’m telling now; I felt creeped out by them before that/this. They have big black faces with ragged yellow ears and a hairy stem … I just don’t find them pretty.

There was a bouquet of them for 10 pound. Four of them for 10 pound. Would four be enough? I hoped so. Mother might get mad if I spent the whole 20 … Yeah, after five minutes of worrying I went to the checkout and bought them and the girl at the counter smiled at me. That’s something I’ve never been able to do, with people. Smile at them – as if it’s a common courtesy type thing. I dunno; maybe I’ve got little sunshine in me. Whereas most normal folks seem to have plenty.

Whilst walking back home with the sunflowers I felt a combination of pride, power, and the paranoid sensation that I was gonna get mugged any second … have the flowers and money robbed all at once, as well as my face caved in. I quickened my step. Keen to get home again. Hoping she’d be in better form when I returned.

[manikrege]

You're not born in the wrong era of love. You just don't know what you want.

For those of you who've never been in relationships, you've ever been curious about what heartbreak feels like?

Part of me wanted to know what it feels like - and yes it IS an awfully empty, numb feeling, just mild enough to burn you from the inside.

Heartbreak is a lot like the metallic taste you get in your mouth after hours of digesting a bad meal, with your entire tract crackling like a campfire.

The realization that, over time, after you're done crying & grieving, you can feel nothing about everything that happened, is absolutely terrifying when it hits you.

It hit me two weeks after but oddly enough, we never "broke up." After less than two months, they just called me one night to confess that they don't feel as strongly about me as they would've ideally liked to, so it would be healthier for me if I don't get attached & instead start looking for options.

They said they couldn't apologize for not falling in love which, at first, hurt me because I told them it was very convenient and it also made no sense because I never expected them to in such a short time.

My friends told me this self-sabotage is common - all of us go through phases, when no matter how much we get, we don't have the capacity of receiving it, and while it doesn't justify cruelty, falling out of love is not really anyone's fault.

Later when I thought about it, it taught me something strikingly painful but crucial - we really can't "make" people fall in love or out of it. We could make them feel nice about us temporarily by being nice, but "falling in love" ... I don't think so because I know for sure that I didn't do anything stupid to deserve what I got.

Next week, they were gone like they never existed. Blocked, ghosted, left on read everywhere. With no explanation, no context, no conversation about it.

And I told myself I'd obviously get over it over time like I used to tell all my friends who had gone through it, but it made me reflect on an important question - "What do I actually want from someone else?"

So what do we want?

What do we all want from love? See, everyone in my generation is looking for someone special but very few of us actually find it, which doesn't fit right for me.

We say it is this way, because unlike our parents who compromised & sacrificed a lot, even choosing to stick together in unhappy marriages, we have more clarity over what we like & want and so we walk away from anything that doesn't match the standard of value we know we deserve.

On the other hand, we say we're born in the wrong era of love because we crave qualities like old-school effort, loyalty, honesty and communication, all of which seem to be rather lacking in people our age.

We want all the listening but get uncomfortable in the silence. We seek a forever & infinity but absolutely cannot do with boredom.

We expect communication but get uneasy in confrontations, especially when what the other person is saying doesn't match our thoughts & plans.

We need partners who support our careers & ambitions but forget that it would need long & honest conversations about where both of us can meet in the middle.

We seek the thrill of growing old together but flinch at the slightest change of personality, refusing to accept the reality that if you're going to spend your life with someone, you're going to have to live with eight different people over time.

We crave the warm comfort of love but prefer to avoid the whole inconvenience it brings.

So is it still worth it?

So that just means we don't actually know what we want. Or rather we want many different things. Which is absolutely OK. Because we're still in our 20s & we're confused as hell.

But diving it into anyway is what teaches us what we truly want and what we're willing to tolerate in a relationship.

I have loved people who I knew would eventually fly out or go away.

I have still loved them with absolute sincerity & honesty, with the fragility of a new mother, the fierceness of a father, the bond of a sibling, and the freedom of a friendship.

And I didn't understand it until now but that has been my satisfaction in itself. Because I refuse to believe that loving must always be two-sided to be counted as true love.

I have loved ... because I can finally admit to myself that like it. I like it as much as I like my career, my ambitions & the goals for myself.

I have loved fully knowing in advance that I will stumble my way & they will stumble in theirs. That I will make mistakes & they will, too.

Fully knowing that no matter how much we try to foolproof ourselves from the beginning, sometimes it will break and neither of us will understand why we're saying this or acting that way.

Because all the best relationships I've seen with my peers have never been about being on the same page all the time. They've been about acceptance that two people will always be two people, who will have differences in what they can give & receive.

The question becomes, "Are they worth it?"

Loving is an exercise in constantly asking yourself if you like & respect the person enough to be able to draw the line between calling out abuse, gaslighting or misuse, then walking away as warranted, and just letting the person be in their space even if they don't align with you at that point of time.

This is as boring & complicated as it sounds. Which is why if you're really looking, you should grossly reduce expectations, cut down the checklists, and open yourself up to the possibilities of what you may like.

The whole idea about "What I want is this, and so I will seek it only" almost always leads to frustration & pain, leaving perfectly compatible people out of the mix.

If you look at love as a journey towards one destination, you're going to be sorely disappointed when at the end of your life, you realize you haven't reached it because you could never decide on what that looks like.

If you're going to run away from the possibility of people leaving or hurting you, you'll soon realize that you're not afraid of getting hurt; you're just uncomfortable knowing that you might never actually get fully over it & carry the pieces for the rest of your life.

Let me tell you people will find you beautiful in pieces too. You will find them beautiful, too. And regardless of what happens in the end, you'll enjoy it, and cherish it in the future too.

That's because the value of your relationships is not defined by their outcomes. Because many of the friends I'm no longer in touch with, are still attached to my best & happiest memories. And also I'd be lying if I said that my ex didn't bring me happiness & positive change.

They helped me see who my true friends were, made me explore a new part of the city I would've never visited otherwise, and above all, they taught me new things about myself.

I do hate them for how they ran away but I wouldn't cancel or bury the time we spent. Loving someone is an act of courage. It is an experience and outcome in itself.

And if you're wise enough to find it, don't let the person involved define how it's supposed to be or not supposed to be. Because you then shut yourself off from meanings that would make sense to you at different points in time.

Loving is learning, and hence it is continuous, different for everyone & never-ending. But I am learning that every bit of it is worth the infinite time & distance.

[the-firebird69]

Watch "Pop Evil - Trenches (Official Music Video)" on YouTube

You people hurt my reputation my feelings my style I did today stuff I don't know what the hell you're doing he doesn't either you sit here blabbing and blithering turns out to be this guy Tommy f and it's hard to remember this other fleets up here but he's down there if you broke that fleet out these people will be gone the Max and us and we thought the Martian so that was mistake he told us not to and we kept doing it and they say that those fireballs affect on the ships would be minimal and the crew inside might get toasted though because it would heat the ship out smaller ships would be heated up said 20 miles or less and you'd be a toasted critter so there's no point to it and all the metal would be melted and they're talking about Tommy f and ships it's because of plasma it's stick to it and burn like a poo poo platter. I was going to say something else that's a nine tail or but it's good cuz it looks like it and it's kind of plasma like. We're heading to Earth probably and I'm going to take it over cuz we have to. And I see what you're saying this man has been harassing and killing people of our kind for thousands of years in your name and your people's names and your clans name because the guy can't figure it out. And also aliens are real most people don't know it and we're going to show it all and we're going to stop him you say because people have to go down because we'll have the top side coverage and we be going after ships and it is going to happen and it will cause them to fight below the cities to grab the black chips and we do understand that they'll be going after other stuff and the clones will be revealing what they're doing it's actually a plus and it looks like a negative and it may be too dangerous of an assignment but we took it and we're going ahead with it and we did not take down will and Bill that our friends and he was upset about it and it was not John it was the clones usually it's them and we heard about the master being shot that's what we call him and we were upset we heard he had Trump follow him and he said it's because he's like two can Sam he just sticks right to it and if you lose it he shows up again no matter what you do that's what it needed actually and they said it helped a lot and we were thankful that it worked and we're trying to grab back too it's part of the formula to help people I guess and really we're taking a beating by these clones and so did Trump and we heard about his problem in dilemma he can't tell if he's winning or losing so they have him go derig storage facilities for spheres and they go take the thing to the ship and I believe that they put it in it and it's a huge crew and it's all with the matrix and he says it's possible our friends that says it's definitely possible and they get the signal down there they don't need to walk around they don't need to have other things down there just a few lines and a big antenna and that's what we know too and you can use Auto recall on the way back it doesn't really have to be that much work and you're in a pod and you go to sleep and you black out and that's what it is but really that's not how they came back it all seems very real people aren't going to be able to tell the difference but they will not allow them to launch and this is going to be terrible there's going to be a huge War because of the statement

Lily

He has said it before and it's already started but this clarifies and says that we understand it and we actually do we've seen the stuff and you see us in the movie it is a horrific system other people are looking at it just like they're looking at the limestone as we did and we're motivated and started grabbing tons of ships and we're ahead of people and we're going to grab more because we have to

Jason

We checked out the walls in lake Okeechobee and we found it they're these huge blocks some of them are 150 ft by 150 ft I've never seen anything like it they are gigantic blocks and their shaped like a chimney all together it is huge and it's a very odd that Max built the huge chimney out there I'm trying to think that this is a very weird place and we do see that Tommy f is always Italian and that's where it is we see people now they're already 50 ft tall from about 20 minutes ago and we are now having some issues with what's going on we simply have to find who it is. And it's saying that he recognize the razor from another TV show and there was someone who was using the razor and supposedly coming into being a man and it was recent next past few days and someone remembers it we recall what it was yes someone has to send it over there

Mike tew

People have to get rest and our son does so let's take some rest and this is happening shortly

Thor Freya

Olympus

[hanoella]

Deserving

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x healer!Reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Summary: When someone bad mouths Bucky in your presence, you set things straight.

Warnings: Angst, but with happy ending, and one vaguely 18+ insult? I'm new.

Speaking of- @wkemeup has inspired me to post my writing for the first time! For their 9k writing challenge, I used this prompt:

"Character A is the target of harassment on the street. Shamed, they pretend it doesn’t bother them. Until it happens in the presence of Character B, who reigns hell on whoever dared to upset [A]"

Enjoy!

..........

Bucky was used to the whispers he got from people the street when he passed by them.

“Is that-?”

“Don’t make eye contact, he’s dangerous.”

“They just let him walk around like he hasn’t killed a bunch of people?”

His enhanced hearing picked up more than he wished it did. He liked to believe it didn’t bother him but deep down it did. It was just one more reason to stay secluded. Isolated. Alone. And he had been successfully doing that.

Until you came along.

Having been the test subject of a super serum version that focused on health and regeneration, you used your healing powers to help the Avengers get back to world-saving shape. Bucky hadn’t been keen on anyone touching him, much less someone he didn’t know. Despite his best efforts, he had caved in when you noticed he was having a bad day with his shoulder and offered to help. Since then, your companionship has been like a guilty pleasure.

You had this way of making him feel like he was the most important person in the world to you. Regardless of what he thought was evident, you only seemed to notice the good in him, even when he protested.

“There’s nothing I can do to right the wrongs that I’ve committed. Redemption isn’t possible. I don’t deserve-”

“Stop.” You said, cutting him off. “You are amazing. You have been through everything that you’ve been through and you still give back to the world. You fight for a world that made you this way, a world that gives you nothing back and yet you fight. It’s the world that doesn’t deserve you.”

Bucky swallowed hard. Looking at you in your eyes, he saw no dishonesty. Only pure admiration.

After that, there was no hope of him being alone. You cracked open his shell slowly but surely and now Bucky couldn’t imagine life without you.

Which led him to his current predicament.

“Come on, please? It’ll be so good and only a few blocks away. I know tapioca sounds gross, but you’ll love it!”

Bucky didn’t know what bubble tea was but apparently it was worth begging him for the past 20 minutes while you worked on his shoulder. Your hands emitted a warm white light as you gently massaged his shoulder. The direct contact wasn’t necessary but Bucky hadn’t complained when you started doing it and it’s become routine every since.

“I don’t know. I know I’m old but I don’t have to resort to tapioca yet.”

Bucky let a moment pass before his lip twitched up into a smile. You feigned annoyance as you cut off the healing and placed your hands on his shoulders.

“How about you go with me and I won’t bill the heck out of you for my magical five-star massages.” You say as you squeeze his shoulders.

“Okay okay, fine.”

Bucky put his hands up in defeat as he got up from the couch he was sitting on and turned to face you.

You swallowed as you let your eyes drift across his chest before you grabbed his shirt from off the back of the couch and tossed it to him.

“Alright! I’m so excited!”

Bucky listened to you chatter on about the different flavors he could try while he put on his shirt. Sometimes, he couldn’t believe he actually had a friend besides Steve. Sure, it helped that you had been Steve’s friend first. But there was something about you having grown closer to him that made him feel special. Never did Bucky think there would be a time that he’d be jealous over a girl that Steve was friends with rather than the other way around. Times were certainly different.

“You coming?”

Bucky broke away from his thoughts and made his way towards the doorway that you were standing in.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

---

Yeah, he knew this was a bad idea.

As soon as you two had left Stark Tower, the whispers started. While the café was only two blocks away, you noticed something was off a block into the trip.

“You alright?” You asked as you tried to decipher his facial expression.

“Yeah. Fine.”

You looked at him skeptically and then shifted your eyes to follow his, glancing around you. You slowly nodded in understanding as you looked at the people around you who were trying not to draw attention to themselves.

“Okay. We can talk about it later.”

Bucky was thankful that most people talked quietly enough so that you couldn’t hear what they were saying.

Keyword: Most.

You two arrived at the café, where it was slightly crowded. It was a warm afternoon, the perfect time to get a cool drink. Before heading inside, you gently placed your hand on his arm for a moment to reassure him.

“If you want, we could look at the menu out here and then I’ll go inside to order it.”

Bucky shifted his weight slightly from one side to the other as he contemplated it.

“Nah. We can go in together.”

“Okay.” you said, gently smiling to hopefully reassure him.

You both enter the building and make your way to stand in line. Bucky looked around at the seating areas. It reminded him of a Starbucks but with a more pastel color scheme. You looked at him and he raised an eyebrow in response. You smiled, happy that he was with you. Bucky’s heart skipped a beat and he smiled back.

That’s when you hear it.

“Is that that Hydra goon? Hey, go back to Siberia you brainwashed Hydra dog!”

You spun around violently the same time Bucky did with an incredulous look on your face, making eye contact with the college aged boy further back in line who was currently sniggering with his friends.

You stalked over to them before speaking in a low even tone.

“Sergeant Barnes has done more for the world than you could ever dream of doing. Apologize.”

You had let the venom creep into your voice, shouting the last word and silencing the rest of the line. Bucky walked up to you and put a hand on your shoulder, trying to turn your attention to him.

“C’mon. It’s not worth it.”

You let out a slow harsh exhale from your nose but didn’t move. The man only sneered.

“Why don’t you scurry along. I don’t care if you’re where he sticks his-”

The next thing Bucky registered was a nasty sounding crack as your fist connected with the jerk’s cheekbone. A round of gasps came from the surrounding crowd as he fell on the floor, completely dazed. You let out a pained grunt as you bent over, holding your hand while trying to cover the white light that started coming over your hand where the skin had bust open and something had definitely cracked.

“Okay, time to go.” Bucky said as he made an executive decision to get you two the heck out of there before anybody could react further. He put his hand on your back and quickly guided you out of the store, walking until you were out of the vicinity and almost back to the tower. You could tell that Bucky was not happy with you since he hadn’t said anything the whole way back. You entered the building and then stood silently in the elevator as it made its way up, refusing to meet his eye.

The elevator dinged as it opened up on the team’s dorm floor. You both walked quickly trying to avoid other people unsuccessfully as Sam stepped out into the hallway from the gym.

“Hey you two, what’re you… What happened to you?” He asked with a furrowed brow, nodding his head towards your hand as you walked past. Bucky and you answered at the same time.

“Nothing-”

“None of your business Sam-”

You gave Bucky a look and started chastising him.

“Hey, don’t be mean to him just because-”

“Keep. Walking.” He said through clenched teeth.

You rolled you eyes and shrugged apologetically at Sam as Bucky punched in the code to your apartment and swung the door open. He nudged you inside and then followed, shutting the door forcefully behind him.

Sam looked down the hall for a moment longer before shrugging it off. Natasha popped her head out into the hallway from the gym.

“What’s all the commotion?”

“Not sure. I think Mr. Tall, Dark and Metal left a few brain cells behind in the pod the last time he was frozen.”

Natasha snorted and then turned back into the gym.

---

Bucky closed the door behind him and then swung his arms out in confusion, giving you the same look of disbelief that he gives Yori when he starts a fight with his neighbors. You gave him the same look back, as if he was crazy for questioning your actions.

“What was that?” He finally asked.

“That guy was crazy! How could I not say something to him?”

“You didn’t have to hit him and hurt yourself! People say stuff like that all the time, you just have to ignore it and move on with your day.”

You stayed silent for a moment, averting your gaze and holding your injured hand that was gently glowing. Bucky gently let out his breath. He closed the distance between you and put his hand under yours to help you support it. His other hand grasped your forearm, gently moving over your smooth skin. He glanced down and watched as the inflammation went away and a bone shifted back into place under your skin.

“Please,” He whispered, his hold on you tightening ever so slightly. “It’s not worth all the trouble. It’s not worth you getting hurt.”

“No.”

Bucky snapped his head back up to see you calm and determined. Speaking again, you look into his eyes.

“It is worth it.”

He blinked twice, not having expected that answer.

“Why?”

“Because if I had let him say what he was going to say. Then to me, it would be validating anyone who has ever said anything like that about you. I can’t let you believe that any of that is true.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“But you do.” You cried out, slipping your newly healed hand out of his grasp and stepping away.

“I can see it in your actions, Bucky. I see it when you deny yourself anything that would make you happy. I see it when you try to hide yourself from the world. I see it when you look at me.” You spoke, voice wavering with the last sentence, averting your gaze again. Bucky stood silent as you continued.

“I see a deep sadness in your eyes. I can feel it in your soul when I heal your shoulder. Or when you touch my hand to see if I’ve fallen asleep. I can feel it emanating off of you. But I know for a fact that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to rest and to be happy. How many times have you fought a fight that wasn’t yours because it was the right thing to do? And don’t say it was to redeem yourself because I know it’s more than that. You are a good man, James. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. But if you need to prove it to yourself than just take a look at me.”

You gently hold his face and guide it so that he’s looking at you. He’s surprised to find your eyes full of tears, threatening to spill over.

“When you look into my eyes, there is nothing but love and admiration for you. When you touch me, I feel the warmth you leave on my skin. When you hear me speak, you should be able to tell from what I say that I genuinely think you deserve the world. When you are hurting, the only thing I feel is your anguish. It kills me, to see you punish yourself so undeservedly.”

You were whispering now, looking up at him. Bucky’s eyes were watering as well, his jaw clenched in an attempt to hold back his emotions. With your hands still gently caressing his cheeks he slowly lowered his head so that his forehead was resting on yours, swallowing hard.

Bucky lifted his head slightly so that he could look at you and he saw nothing but love. Your eyelashes were wet and shimmering from tears you shed for him. Your cheeks were flushed from the overwhelming feeling that you had for him. He looked into the depths of your eyes and saw only his future with you. Finally, his gaze settles on your lips, soft and supple.

“Please,” you begged. “Please do not ask me to stand idly by as the world tears you apart. You are worth more to me than anything else in it.”

Slowly, his hands touch your waist and slide back until he’s holding you against him. Closing the gap between you, you kiss.

Nothing more in this world could assure him of your love. For once, he believes it.

[kimbapmmbapbap]

More k-dramas y'all should watch

So, at the end of 2017, I created a post going through my favourite dramas of all time. Obviously, I have watched more dramas since then so I have a few more dramas that everyone needs to watch!!

Strong Woman Do Bong Soon

This is an obvious one, so if you haven't watched it, have you been living under a rock?? When I first heard of it just before it came out, I thought it was going to be a rip off of weightlifting fairy Kim bok joo. But boy, was I wrong!! This drama has the perfect amount of romance, comedy, thriller and crime, so it is a good all rounder drama!! The whole cast (not just the leads) had amazing chemistry. The only flaw with this drama is that it does queerbait a little. I wish they either didn't add it in the story or fully went with that the main lead is Bi.

The story surrounds a girl with superhuman strength who wants to be a video game designer. She has always hid her strength due to fear if hurting others and losing her power. She in a unrequited love with her childhood friend who is now a police officer. She then crosses the path of a CEO of a video game company and her starts to become more chaotic. With a serial killer on the loose, Do Bong Soon needs to decide if she will keep a low profile or use her powers for the better good while also falling in love on the way.

While You Were Sleeping

Again, an obvious one, but it has to be watched!! Like strong woman, I was a little apprehensive of this one. Mainly because I hadn't heard good things about Suzy's acting before this came out. But it really surprised me and I really loved it! I'm a sucker for anything crime related, so with a really cute love story as well, it was amazing!! It has really good chemistry and likable characters. The second male lead is also amazing!! I usually don't get second male lead syndrome, but damn I felt it even though I also really loved the main lead. I can't really find any faults with it.

The story surrounds two people who can see the future through dreaming. This includes good and bad things. When the female reporter about dying while on the job, she quite her job to try and changes her fate. A prosecuter move across the street from her, initially they do not get on and their bond starts to grow. Together, they use both of their skills and their power to help change the future and solve crimes along the way. They also soon realise that this is not the first time they have crossed paths.

Psychopath Diary

I cannot recommend this drama enough!! Honestly, it is so underrated!!! Yoon Shi Yoon's performance is incredible, he really embodies the role here. It is so funny, and sweet. You also see a serial killer low key but high key fall in love with the male lead, so there is major gay vibes. The only issue I have with it is, I wish there was a little romance involved. But it is a not a major want.

The story surrounds a pushover who is working at a stocks company. After a major issue arises, he becomes the Scapegoat of the company and is being blamed for it, even though he tried to prevent it. Due to this, he decides that he will end his life. On the way to do this, he witnesses a murder and accidentally picks up the serial killer's diary. While trying to escape, he gets hit by a car and gets amnesia. When he wakes up and reads the diary, he believes that he is the serial killer.

Honestly, please watch this drama, it is so so so funny, the chemistry of the whole cast is incredible. It also possibly has one of my favourite villians in any drama.

Your Honor / Dear Judge

Yes, I am a simp Yoon Shi Yoon. He is just so good and thus role just confirms it! His acting is incredible, king of the double roles! He plays twins and you really tell when either pop up on screen which one he is. This is a really wholesome drama that makes you cry. It has some really sweet moments in it, the leads have such good chemistry. This only issues with this one is that the ending felt rushed. I hate that the TV company changed it from 20 eps to 16 eps.

The story follows a set of twins. Twin A is a top judge in Korea, who is incredibly smart and is living a rich life. Twin B is a criminal who has been screwed over multiple times by the justice system and Twin A. Their mother always sides with A and will tell B not to bother him. When A goes missing, B goes undercover and takes his brothers place. He soon learns about the corrupt world of the court system and his brother. B meets a law student who is meant to be shadowing A. Like B, she has also been affected by the corrupt system and is wanting to be a judge to convict those who have wronged her. Together they fight the system while also falling in love.

Because This is Our First Life

This is a slice of life drama so will have some heavy moments in it. But on the whole, it is just so lovely and cute. The acting is incredible, they really take on the role. It also has one of the best female friendships which is not toxic, they all genuinely care for eachother and want eachother to achieve their dreams. It also has some true badass moments in it as well! I feel like all slice of life dramas have this, but it does have some frustrating moments where the characters are almost purposely making their life's difficult

The story focuses on a woman who is a drama script writer. Due to her patriarchal family who always favour her brother and being let down by her crush, she wants to move out. She ends up moving in with a friend of a friend of a friend. It is to her surprise that the person who she is moving in with is a man who is very much stuck in his own ways and likes to stick to routine. Due to their own desires to be on their own, they decide to get married to relieve the pressure that their families are giving them. This (of course) causes issues and both have to learn about their new feelings for eachother while trying to get through the struggles of life.

Thirty but Seventeen

This drama is the definition of wholesome and cute. I feel that while I was watching it, it went by so quickly and I always had a smile on my face. The romance is so cute and lovely and you could tell they really cared about eachother. The side characters were also amazing and sweet. Honestly, the acting is incredible. The female lead does an amazing job.

The story follows woman who as a child was involved in a bus accident and fell into a coma. She wakes up over ten years later and learns that her family have stopped coming to see her. While on the search for her family, she resides with a man and his brother who are now living in her old family home. The two soon learn that there are more connected than they thought. With the man trying to push her away, the more his feelings grow for her.

Introverted Boss

This is a revenge to love story. It on the whole is a really cute drama where you get to see the leads grow for the better. The acting is incredible and you really fall in love with the leads and the support cast (except for the second lead). It is not a perfect drama, but it is a really easy watch with an interesting story.

The female lead is a stage actress who quits her job to work at a marketing firm. This firm happens to be where her sister used to work. She is out to get revenge against the CEO of the company who she blames for her sister's death. She learns that the CEO is extremely introverted and becomes confused by how he was responsible for her sister's death. As the story goes by, she becomes more intrigued by him and focuses less on revenge and more on helping him open up.

Vincenzo

Ahhhhh, how do express my love for this one!! It is just amazing!! The story was so well thought out and the actors did a fantastic job. It was so satisfying to watch, I wanted to be a member of the mafia lol. The villians were also incredible, like I just love this drama so much. Like Your Honor, the only issue with this one is that the ending felt rushed.

The story surrounds a Korean man who was adopted into an Italian family and became the consiglerie of the mafia. After an issue with his adoptive family, he travels back to Korea in search an insane amount of gold bars which happens to be underneath an unsuspecting block of flats. He then gets involved with a major legal court case with a pharmaceutical company. As he delves deeper into the case, dark secrets start to get revealed.