#i just think that this as a concept is so valuable and makes their distance with each other SADDER

[lastavenged]

Thinking about Virgina "Pepper" Potts and everything she goes through, how dirty marvel has done her; as well as my own imagining of the friendships between Pepper, Tony, Happy, and Rhodey.

Like how important those boys are to her, because Pepper was pre-transition when she started at Stark Industries, before she caught the accounting error which was like a major enough error that Tony Stark offered her a job/higher position.

Just adding on off of that, while Pepper may have been Tony's kind of cheeky way he gives nicknames not always wanted, but like Pepper stuck. He gave this woman her name in a way, which honestly is kind of special, like she chose Virginia for herself, but Pepper became her name and names can hold a lot of meaning to us trans/nonbinary people.

But like Tony, Happy, and Rhodey would have known Pepper through several large personal stages of her life, see her become the woman she is today.

We are also robbed of the exact reason that she and Tony don't see each other anymore in the comics just as we are robbed of the Iron Family being a unit, being a thing again, and I will kill for their reunion, for them to work on their issues (because it's not just Tony that is the problem) and just. Tony and Rhodey were her brothers, and Happy. Its been so long since Happy has been alive in the comics, and he was a part of all their lives. Happy was Tony's guy, ya know too.

and Happy's the relationship that Pepper grew in love so much. It wasn't a fall in love first sight kind of love, it took a long time for her to really see Happy, who also would have seen her pre transition and everything, and it's a relationship that needed work, that needed them to put effort into, and love and it just. I loved Happy and Pepper.

Anyways.

I am having Pepper Potts thoughts tonight. So have this ramble of how I imagine the Iron Family and their value to her and just give me them to me.

[comfreyhollywings]

pac reading - need self-love tips? c'mere.

        █▒▒▒▒▒▒▒█   ◈   █▒▒▒▒▒▒▒█

             L O A D I N G . . .

        █▒▒▒▒▒▒▒█   ◈   █▒▒▒▒▒▒▒█

pile 1. 

protect yourself. 

i don’t think you quite know how valuable your energy is

like.. guys. i feel like we need to have a lesson solely on the beauty of pouring into your own cup, and to force yall to see how others are inspired by that.

and when you’re in that state where you can just flow; to protect yourself, you naturally shine so bright.

just now— a black wisp of smoke just hovered right in front of my eyes before dissipating. there’s a lot more smoke coming out of my candle purging out this smoke as we speak. 

that’s naturally a sign for me that.. if you love yourself; if you want to invest more into yourself, purge the things that are unnecessarily sucking your energy away.

aka energy vampires (doesn’t have to be this figure, could be an energy in your life)

like.. i think… when you properly pour into yourself, you tend to have a lot to give. while this is naturally a good thing to have such a generous heart, you can’t give forever. you can’t give from a place of depletion 

especially if others only know how to take, take, take. 

there’s something a former mentor said to me in this regard.

“the issue is that giving relentlessly can solicit the very sort of people who have no second thoughts about taking, and never giving. and it's not even always malicious. it's just their dysfunction meets another dysfunction.” 

take it from me, someone who’s currently still learning this lesson right now. 

i will be so real with y’all

 i’m currently going through a period where i’ve distanced myself from my partner of (seven-ish) months after learning that i was the one putting in more effort in emotional labor than my partner. 

and it’s not even that my partner had malicious intentions about it 

it was just that 

he hadn’t developed the emotional maturity let alone apply it to his life. and it’s shit that he had to figure out. 

because of this, i felt as if i had to partly take on the burden. not that it was a conscious thing, but it was moreso subconscious where i was driven by kindness to pour into him

as that’s what any decent human being would do, right?

but the taking. it kept taking, taking, and taking. the reciprocity wasn’t really… there much anymore. 

codependent tendencies? yes. and it’s shit he individually has to figure out. 

the same energy applies to your situation. i’m not sure if these are things you also are sorting out right now, but please know this: 

you can act from a place of kindness. absolutely. depending on your situation, you don’t have to cut them off. (if you’re in an abusive dynamic, that’s another story. you CANNOT fix them. you CANNOT change them, period. please get out asap as much as you can. i’ll provide resources. ) 

you’ll naturally feel like an asshole when you set up boundaries, when you distance yourself, etc etc. 

but the thing is that you will need that. to drive yourself to the brink of exhaustion for the sake of others leaves you with little energy for yourself.

like… you fight for others, but who will fight for you? you know? especially when you don’t even recognize the situation you’re in?

prioritize yourself more. examine your needs closely. get out of situations that you know is going to drain you. 

maybe it’ll feel like shit initially. like, of course these are bad habits you need to address.

but i promise you, it’s worth it. please keep going. 

pile 2. 

be gentle with yourself.

two things you must foster: your autonomy and your sense of abundance.

in simple terms: you’re worth being a fucking person standing on your own, you stubborn little fucking gem.  

you’re not like. this idealized concept that people make out of you.

you’re not a goddamn concept.

you’re a person. a living, breathing person with needs and wants and dreams 

goddammit you deserve to be loved.

please treat yourself with a lot more kindness and autonomy than you have ever done with the people you love.

gods know you deserve it 

like christ 

this is my pile who probably has self-esteem issues, huh (i say that as if i don’t have weird shit going on with my self-esteem but whatever) 

work, work, work. it’s always work with others. it’s always prioritizing their needs before your own.

it’s the tight ball you feel in your chest that gets lodged up inside your throat. it’s the hard swallow as you bite your tongue back. it’s the coughing when you’re in the middle of a sentence before someone takes over without any regard for you. 

and it’s not like you’re unable to redirect the spotlight over to you. you absolutely can. 

however. like

god forbid you make mistakes right? like, god forbid that you don’t run your mind through a fucking cheese grater if you’re not like a radar.

god forbid you’re not constantly detecting what preconceived faults you have of yourself. 

because if you don’t, are you even worthy of love at all? 

here’s a secret: you don’t need to work to earn love. your self-worth isn't dictated by how much you pump out to the world.

yes, it requires work to keep love alive, but there’s a vast difference between that and EARNING love. 

you are worthy. you are seen. you are accepted for the way that you are.

all of you.

your flaws, your tics, your anger, your hurt, and your sorrow. 

and likewise, your love, your passions, your healing, and your joy. 

you are worth being gentle to yourself. you are worth the grace you extend out for others. you are worth taking up space. 

take off the mask. take off the notion of “perfection”. take off the need to people please. take off the need for constant validation outside of yourself.

sit with yourself. journal. purge. and forgive yourself for the things you’ve been unfair to you about. all of these judgments and old standards that don’t serve you anymore, that you punish yourself for. 

you’re enough. stop it. 

c’mere pile 2, let me hug you.

you are worthy of it all, my loves.

pile 3. 

listen to yourself. give yourself the space to let your voice be heard. 

you have such a wonderful, unique, and creative voice that you restrain others from hearing. 

it roots back to pile 2’s perceived ‘imperfections’ that they try to adhere to

thus, resulting in them being harsh on themselves. 

so let me tell you this: you are lovely. 

and your voice deserves to be heard. 

additionally, your voice is not just deserving 

it’s needed for a time like this. you have a message specifically encoded to you that you’ll have to ground and manifest into the world through your creative works, and it’s time for you to see that.

it’s time for you to honor the creativity bestowed upon you because that is your voice that’ll touch people’s hearts. 

that’s the voice that you need to hear from yourself the most. 

let things flow, let things come, let them be like water. let your creations permeate and adapt to objects, places, and people. 

let it breathe, let it live rather than killing it prematurely. 

as i’m writing, i’m hearing this song: frequency by jhene aiko. 

a lot of that song talks about blessings and freedom. freeing cities, freeing their seed (the next generation), giving freedom and mercy. it talks about anointing, pouring that oil so that the generations before and after can become kings and queens. 

this is a very universal and empathetic song that got channelled out.

so i feel like in many forms no matter the genre, whether it’s through a medium like writing, game dev, videos, podcast, art, and so on 

all of your works have these themes in common: freedom, blessings, and generations. 

what i want to warn you about though in pursuing your art forms

don’t let ego get the best of you. 

now i’m not necessarily talking about arrogance (though that very well might be the case but that normally lies within a much deeper issue of having your self-esteem bloat as a way to overcompensate for your idea of self-worth) 

i’m talking about letting your insecurities of looking ‘stupid’ get the best of you because you risk ‘cringing’ at your works. 

but the thing with art is that you’re going to have to be stupidly earnest because that is your entire essence. 

and if you think about it, a lot of cringe is just

sincere? and earnest?

just get it out there. don’t compare yourself to anybody. your journey is your own, so there’s no need to be anyone or anything

be you 

that’s all that matters. 

trust me, the you authentically reading this is more powerful than any heroes/idols that you’ve ever grown up putting on a pedestal. 

kill your heroes, put down that pedestal. 

you’re just as worthy of creating; your heroes are no better than you. 

[sapphic-agent]

You wanna know who the #1 beneficiary of the tech power creep is in this series? Momo. One thing this mech suit shows is that Momo totally wasted her time trying to beat people with sticks. The idea of trying to create items in a battle as a form of problem solving is stupid, or at best, should be done as a last resort. Her power was always meant for technology. That's the true power in this world. She should have been trying to be Ironman. You know how All Might spent his fortune on the suit, and that was meant to be a limiting factor as to why this tech can't be widely used? Well, guess who has the ability to generate materials with no cost. Even the idea of her inventions requiring studying to make things more complex stops holding water when you look at the torture device she tried to strap Midoriya into during Class A vs Deku. She made that in an instant and it posed an immediate threat. What could she make if she wasn't trying to do it during stressful battles with enemies right in front of her? So, her limiting factor really is her ability to study advanced concepts and have people explain them to her, and most importantly, what an author is willing to let her do. The path forward for her was always to pay people smarter and more educated than her to invent things and then she can have them explain it to her so she can recreate it. If her family had paid the cost to design that Iron Might suit, then she'd pay it. Once. And then be able to use the schematics to create as many of them as she wants. Or better yet, make killer robots except use the tech inside of the suit. Create an entire army of them so she never has to be in any sort of danger at all. Control them remotely. UA has been shown to have advanced AI robots who have personalities. Said bots have enough restraint to never kill any of the kids in the sports festival or entrance exam. This could be used for hero work. This also gets into what a valuable resource Mei Hatsume is and how if you wanted Momo to be a god, you could just have them meet in middle school. Mei just has to design a working device, once, and then Momo can study it and forever use it. What could she come up with, if the idea was that Momo would hide somewhere, perhaps in an APC, while she uses drones and robots to fight at a distance? Energy/food costs for her also aren't a concern. She's clearly able to output more energy than she takes in, given she can create cannons and things that weigh more than her. So she could use up all of her lipids creating a dead meat cube that contains as many calories as she's capable of packing into an object, then eat it. And repeat this process as needed.

This is definitely interesting.

Momo absolutely has the potential to be the most OP in the series. Horikoshi originally wanted to give her quirk to a pro but recognized that someone experienced would nerf the entire story.

I don't necessarily think that making things for problem-solving is the issue; I think it's way more that Horikoshi just didn't have the creativity for it. Like you said the entrapment device she made during 1A vs Izuku was maybe her most effective creation. Instead of disinfectant, imagine she made poison gas and simply knocked Kendo and the other 1B students out (not sure if she can create chemical reactions, but she could theoretically cause one by using components right).

I doubt she would be comfortable doing next to nothing as a hero. I do wish we knew her motivations, but relying purely on her money while doing minimal work doesn't paint a great picture for her. I like that in canon she doesn't rely on her status or wealth for hero work, she relies on her intelligence.

Momo should be an underground hero. She could be the equivalent of Batman (no this isn't my love for Batman over Iron-Man talking), strategizing and having any gadget she needs at her disposal. I would love to see more tech incorporated into her work as a hero. I also wouldn't mind the bo staff if she was allowed to actually use it like a bo staff (seriously she barely does anything with it what's the point of giving it to her. Nah give my girl a sword and let her cut people)

[horizon-verizon]

I'm still on my self-imposed Tumblr writing break but I had to share this comedy gold mine where Condal tells us all about "impostor syndrome" before I'm overtaken by the urge to write an essay on it instead. I have no time to cook. Fortunately, we've been served a meal on a silver platter.

https://bigthink.com/high-culture/house-of-the-dragon-ryan-condal/

House of the Dragon, which premiered in 2022, might have continued that [Game of Thrones] trend. Instead, the show proved a return to form, offering the same Shakespearean dialogue and political intrigue that made people fall in love with Martin’s fictional universe back in 2011. The second season is just as good, if not better.

I can see that this is going to be a very fair assessment of Condal and his work.

“Every day,” Condal confesses when asked if he suffers from imposter syndrome. “For me, though, it was less the scale and scope of House of the Dragon and more its visibility that intimidated me."

😭😭😭 It's okay! He wasn't worried about whether he'd do a good job! He was just worried about how visible his ingenious work would be.

Appointed for his encyclopedic knowledge of Martin’s oeuvre, Condal has — in his own words — “played with fire” without getting burned. In the following interview, he demonstrates his mastery of Westerosi lore and explains why all history – real or imagined – ultimately amounts to propaganda.

The business major is about to tell us about historiography. The question is, does he understand historiography? Or does he think he's inventing a new concept?

Condal is a relative newcomer to television. In his previous life, he graduated from Villanova University with an accounting degree and spent eight years working in pharmaceutical advertising — quite different from working as a Hollywood showrunner, but not entirely unrelated.

Yes, we know. It's actually very related. Especially the way Condal does it. I'll also point out here that his university was a private Catholic institution. I don't feel the need to connect those dots right now.

"I also learned to compromise, adapting your writing to clients who aren’t always going to love your brilliant, avant-garde choices. That’s the talent-studio relationship, right there."

I... this tells us two things about the writing process and attitude behind it. Two things we already knew. But... it's sure telling.

"I was able to navigate challenges that some of my colleagues with filmmaking and art history degrees maybe weren’t prepped for."

In theory, nothing wrong with this^ statement. But in context...

While some criticism is valuable, too much can lead to creative paralysis. “I tend more towards the negative than the positive, so I made a conscious decision to stay away from social media when I got this job,” Condal says. If anything, he believes the healthy distance he maintains between himself and his audience has improved the show: “Audiences think they know what they want, but sometimes, they have to be given what they need instead."

I repeat my prior sentiment.

Ultimately, Condal’s own passion for Martin’s writing outweighed any doubt he had about his own. “I’m trying to make the type of show I would enjoy as a fan, which I am. And while I realize my ideal fan show will be different from someone else’s, I still think that it’s a good true north heading on my compass. Actually, I think that’s why HBO hired me in the first place.”

Oh, we know.

“It was hugely intimidating, moving to a new country [the U.K.] and working with a new but also hugely talented crew that I had to — not tell them what to do, exactly, but lead them; collaborate with them. I definitely had to earn my place, but think that — because I came in with a clear vision of what I wanted for the show — those relationships were easy to establish.”

Make it stop.

The most important part of making a successful fantasy show isn’t the sets, costumes, or special effects, but lore. Fictional places like Westeros have their own unique cultures, customs, and social institutions, all of which help create the illusion that this fantasy world is as real and complex as our own. To transfer that illusion from page to screen, the writers must know Martin’s work as thoroughly as Martin himself. “It’s not just me,” Condal says. “We are all deeply entrenched fans of George. One of our writers has worked with him for many years. If I’m a graduate in Westeros studies, she’s an archmaester,” referring to the order of academics sworn to advise and educate Westeros’ nobility.

Well that explains why they're worse than Gyldayn.

Condal: “Textual references are best done in light touches to remind people that this is a fully realized society with hundreds of years of mapped-out history to it. And you don’t need an entire scene to do that. Instead of writing, you can communicate details environmentally through props like heraldry. For the fans, these little touches tell them they are in good hands. Better yet, they know the details are there just for them, the hardcore fans. For everyone else, the casual viewers, this stuff is flying by 100 miles an hour, and they probably won’t notice it. But it’s there.”

Again, there's nothing wrong with this^ in theory. In. Theory.

“I’m definitely an architect,” says Condal, “and I think I have to be as a screenwriter, because our life is so deadline-driven. The literal definition of a playwright, W-R-I-G-H-T, is ‘one who builds plays.’ A dramatic writer is almost by necessity a structuralist, and I very much fall into that camp.”

Now wait for it... wait for it... Keep in mind these are Brinkhof's (article author) words. But wait for it.

Martin, by contrast, identifies as a gardener. While this writing style — with its many unexpected twists, turns, and deaths — helps explain what made Game of Thrones so successful, it may also have been responsible for the show’s eventual downfall. Sticking to Martin’s analogy, “gardening stories” grow like trees, their narratives branching out in an exponential number of paths, making them difficult to finish. As of today, Martin has spent more than 14 years on the next installment in the Song of Ice and Fire series, his prolonged bout of writer’s block forcing Weiss and Benioff to come up with their own ending.

No words. Now back to Condal.

“The advantage we have over them is that we’re dealing with a finished text, where they were working with an unfinished, living work,” Condal says. “Where the Game of Thrones team had to trim down 5,000 pages into a few dozen scripts, we’re challenged in the opposite direction, turning around 100 pages into a multi-season arc of television, and that requires a lot of invention.”

Oh? So... you do know where it's going. Which means your "inventions" should... probably lead there?

Condal treats Fire & Blood like a real-world historian might treat a manuscript from the Middle Ages. “These three writers all had personal agendas which, to me, seem to reflect one of the main themes of our show: powerful women living in an unbreakable patriarchy. The writers, particularly the priest, appear to blame the war on the squabbling between Rhaenyra and Alicent.”

No comment for now. No... comment...

House of the Dragon pretends to show the real history that Fire & Blood recorded and distorted. Some events happen the way the one of the three authors describe it, while others contain elements of all three conflicting accounts. Others still indicate that none of them got it right. As a rule, every character in the show is far more complex than the jester, maester, and priest made them out to be.

I... I... I... I... I...

“Alicent can be the stereotypical evil stepmother at times,” says Condal, “just as King Viserys, played by Paddy Considine in season 1, can come across at weak. However, the thing that in-universe historians don’t get about Viserys is that he was carrying the burden of a prophecy passed down through generations and couldn’t tell anybody about it. A lot of his supposedly weak decision-making was actually in service of this secret prophecy. We were trying to show that there was more to him, that multiple things about him could be true at the same time.”

Must... Resist... Urge... To... Write... Essay...

“We have to arrive at the same endpoint as the book,” he reminds himself. “Whoever George said becomes king must become king at the end of the war. Hopefully, though, we have a bit of latitude leading up to that, to show how history has been interpreted differently at different times by different historians. I realize I’m playing with fire, but it does excite and fascinate me — to be able to comment on how history is made, not just this fictional history, but all history. It’s all propaganda to some degree.”

😭 The clownery.

Historiographers weep.

@rhaenin-time, you must be stopped. Ryan should be , too, but you have decided to bring me in close proximity to this nonsense. I am sitting here, eating chewy ChipsAhoy, and you came in here like a wrecking ball with this news....I hate you. [read, this is a joke]

I don't think I'll be able to address every thing I want to address in this. I want to be done with this show, I have been tired since the 6th epi of the last season.

Condal is a relative newcomer to television. In his previous life, he graduated from Villanova University with an accounting degree and spent eight years working in pharmaceutical advertising — quite different from working as a Hollywood showrunner, but not entirely unrelated. [...]

I also learned to compromise, adapting your writing to clients who aren’t always going to love your brilliant, avant-garde choices. That’s the talent-studio relationship, right there. [...] Audiences think they know what they want, but sometimes, they have to be given what they need instead."

Who tf does this man think he is?!!! Yes, I needed mother-son coochie eating. I needed to have a brown girl erased for a rapist to become a family man with a sick child. I needed Cole fucking Alicent at least 3 times instead of a brown haired Targ make instrumental alliances with more people to add to his stepfather's armies in the Riverlands. I needed to see nonexistent and sterile parallels. I needed to see a black woman be burned alive when she actually died at least surrounded by family, her ignored by her husband so his later marriage to a white girl be that much more special. I needed to see a disabled man jerk it over a queen's bare feet like she's in OnlyFans and doesn't know where her next meal is. I needed to see a pretten prince jerk it over a window and barely even tell what his brother was doing later with Vhagar instead of another preteen girl bond with the most powerful dragon of the then living ones. I needed to see a woman so much more hypocritical than her book counterpart be framed as one of the wisest women to exist while she praises Jaehaerys I of all people for having a peaceful reign as if his decision to have that council have no bearing on the burgeouning war coming up right now.

He can't even properly write character ACRTION as opposed to REACTION (Seth Abramson's article on substack):

Appointed for his encyclopedic knowledge of Martin’s oeuvre, Condal has — in his own words — “played with fire” without getting burned. In the following interview, he demonstrates his mastery of Westerosi lore and explains why all history – real or imagined – ultimately amounts to propaganda.

And yet Daemon dislikes his daughter or grow impatient with her bec she doesn't have a dragon....while he only claimed one at 16 or a bit younger with Caraxes AND Targs don't actually bond with dragons in the cradle that often, actually usually doing it in preteens to teens AND Aegon I definitely had to bond later in life as well. And said that Aegon I lived/was alive when Old Valyria still existed. Allowed Criston Cole to be called Dornish both by Alicent and the fans without giving us any explanation or exploration of that identity esp when canonically he came from the Stormlander part of the Dornish Marches. "Encyclopedic" my nonexistent ballsack! He has no authority to claim that F&B is so unreliable that he can't tell truth form agenda-motivated fiction and then claim himself intelligent or "brilliant" at the same time!

"avant-garde"...yes bc it's so revoluntionary and creative to have a man lick his former home from his own mother in a "vision". As if making a woman her son's character tool wasn't something HBO already did with its female characters and perform male gaze....okay...As if he's special and different from other male writers and it not just keeping with ASoIaF adaptation tradition. It added so much to the story other than the sick eroticism of something already cleared up last season.

I definitely had to earn my place, but think that — because I came in with a clear vision of what I wanted for the show

No you didn't. If you did, you wouldn't have had a such a problem with the pacing, the numerous inconsistencies, plotholes, the [if true] possible merge of Rhaena and Nettles and many episodes would't contradict each other as if one writer disagreed and vetoed another. And you'd see why/how show!Rhaena's purpose must be kept more or less the exact same as her in the bk for the post-Dance environment. We'd have Maelor. We'd have Daeron mentioned and described much earlier, not as some sort of random ass surprise that is bound to thrown so many locals off when he does appear.

If I’m a graduate in Westeros studies, she’s an archmaester,” referring to the order of academics sworn to advise and educate Westeros’ nobility.

....what the fuck does this even mean?! There are no fucking graduates of anything in Westeros and there are no archmaesters of real life bc the set ups in education of EU medieval history vs Westeros are so different it's not even funny. there are no universities for one to even imagine there are Westerosi "graduates", and there is no way you can tell if a graduate would be more or less educated than a grandmaester, bc we don't have rules of "graduation" or gradations of maestership. the modern school system can never be properly equalized in structure or depth or habits to Westerosi maestership, the instituton.

Therefore trying to create some sort of analogy as if grads exist in Westeros by immediately using "grandmaester" for another you're aligning yourself with is just so stupid. worst part is, I know exactly what he's trying to say, but his use of this device is so wrong, that I'm mad and ure people will just take this at face value instead of see how inept this man is with literature analysis and thus creative writing. Reminds me, ironically, of his saying he's inspired by PARADISE LOST in writing S2...if you don't sit yourself down to hell, sir!

Martin, by contrast, identifies as a gardener. While this writing style — with its many unexpected twists, turns, and deaths — helps explain what made Game of Thrones so successful, it may also have been responsible for the show’s eventual downfall.

And there it is, Ryan is prepping to use the ole fan excuse of "not much story left" excuse people had for D&D, and it makes sense how he would considering how F&B is considered to unreliable to adapt even the clearest events and characterizations as they are given....

[beanghostprincess]

Usopp telling the giants stories about his home village and Kaya as an inversion of how he was always telling her stories of grand far-off places. And to the giants of Elbaf whose lives are full of battle and voyages across treacherous seas and slaying monsters, the tales of this quaint little village comfort them in a way they don't often feel while leading their hectic viking lives. It's like their first taste of cottage core.

And Kaya ends up becoming a minor celebrity on Elbaf without even having set foot there because the mighty Usopp thinks so highly of her. 😁

This is so real to me now. Canon. Usopp looks like the type to talk about his girlfriend ALL. THE. TIME. despite not being mentioned at all. He just finds ways to speak about Kaya. And for the giants, she's kinda like a goddess and the kindest person they've ever heard about because Usopp is always talking about her that way. She's a literal angel in his perspective and the strongest girl he'll ever meet (ofc aside from Nami. Different strengths). It's like telling your friends about your long-distance gf and somehow they know everything about her despite not having met her. They just would adore her and protect her so much after hearing only Usopp's words.

Also, I love the concept of Usopp telling them about his average life and all of them being in awe of the simplest of adventures because they're simple and domestic like that. Usopp realizing he's strong in his own way and incredibly smart in both battle and irl issues. The giants making him know how valuable he is for every day life and how much he should cherish that as much as he loves adventures... My heart is breaking. I love him so much.

[inbarfink]

Okay, after that last lil goof of a post, I started to have some more Thoughts about Tak…

I’m pretty sure I’ve already talked at length about how Zim is, in actuality, perfectly competent on paper. He’s technically got all the skills that Irken Society value, but his extreme personality flaws (especially his ego, his inability to assert threats and his pettiness) override any usefulness he might have and make him the incompetent laughingstock we all know and love. 

And I think, in a way… Tak is actually very much the same. It’s kind of the same core concept but with the skills and abilities being turned way up and the flaws being a lot more subtle. So she generally manages to be a lot more genuinely competent - but these are still the same core flaws that brought on her downfall.

Tak insists that her plan is not a matter of revenge, she’s trying to frame it like Zim’s just kinda in the way of her practical, impersonal scheme to become an Invader - but, like… I think she very clearly just doesn’t want to admit she’s seeking revenge against someone as pathetic as Zim. 

Now there is a discussion to be had about, like, wouldn’t it have been more worthwhile for Tak to grab a more valuable planet from the get-go, versus the consequences of ‘stealing’ a planet from an Actual Real Invader, versus the number of planets that must be out there, versus whether any of those planets are viable for any number of reasons, versus the potential consequences of removing Earth’s vital importance to the Irken Empire as A Thing to Keep Zim Too Distracted to Ruin Everything Again, versus the possibility the Tallests will just let out all of their frustrations about that unto Zim whom they already hate and not the taller and more competent Irken who just gave them snacks…. It can kinda go on forever, is the point. 

So I don’t necessarily wanna focus on the question of whether Tak should’ve chosen Earth for her Snack Plan or not - instead I wanna point out that Earth is just a really really big place. There doesn’t seem to be a reason why Tak had to set up her plan in the same city Zim lives in, or why she had to enroll in his class, or ‘date’ him. The only real reasons seem to be that she wanted to personally torment Zim for a while, and that was worthwhile enough for her to put her plan at risk. 

And it’s not just that she placed the nexus of her plan within walking distance of Zim. I mean, she did probably need to disable his base - and maybe you can say that enrolling in Zim’s school was her attempt at assessing his threat level before her plan kicked into full gear. But even so, the conclusion of this little round of espionage was that Zim was so much of a non-threat that she quite literally went up to his front door to inform him of who she is and what she is planning

If Tak just built her Magma Pump/Evil Weenie Stand on the other side of the world, or even just didn’t tell Zim that she’s an Irken out to steal his gig - Zim would have had no idea what’s going on until it was far too late. but instead of keeping that element of surprise, Tak literally walked over to his base to explain to him everything that she has done and is planning to do. She would’ve explained basically everything if not for Zim’s own hysterics. 

Look at this insistence! She was trying so hard to tell Zim her entire damn plan! And why? Because she was just thoroughly convinced that this clownish buffoon could not possibly be a threat to her. And because this was an essential part of her revenge. Due to Zim’s rush and destructive nature, she was trapped in her room and forced to watch just how callously Zim ignored her cries for help

And she wants to replicate that sort of feelings for Zim

So for her revenge to feel complete for her - she needs Zim to know who she is and why she’s doing it, and he needs to know what’s going on so he can watch on helplessly. And so for the sake of her revenge, she added a bunch of incredibly stupid steps in her plan - but hey, it’s no big deal! Zim clearly is far too incompetent to do anything about her plan by now, right?

And, like, the majority of what Zim had to spend his time on during the episode was actually figuring out what is Tak’s plan is. If Zim was just a little less hysterical when Tak came to visit (which isn’t unthinkable. Zim’s emotional state is pretty capricious) then maybe he could’ve defeated Tak much more quickly and thoroughly. Even disabling Zim’s base didn’t seem to do much considering it was at least partially operational by the time her plan actually came to fruition. She might’ve also underestimated the tech at his disposal or maybe just his repair skills. 

And if Tak somewhat underestimated Zim’s threat level, she sure as hell dismissed Dib's threat level completely. I think the implication is that she only hanging out with him to get more information on Zim and to torment Zim some more

And all of their interactions are dripping with condescension, she’s not even the least bit worried about having this human who discovered her secret. I mean, she already sees Zim as a total non-threat - obviously she’d have even less regard for the person who’s been repeatedly failing to stop him. Especially if there’s also a bit of this Irken Supremacy mindset that’s playing a factor. No way a stupid human child that has repeatedly failed to stop the Worst of the Irken Empire could be a threat to her, right????

And Gaz… oh man, Gaz. I mean, I’ve been going on about how Tak has underestimated Dib and Zim’s threat levels and they’ve proved her wrong by defeating her. But let’s be real here, Gaz is undoubtedly the one person most responsible for defeating Tak

And she barely registered on Tak's radar as anything but ‘Dib’s little sister’. She didn’t even think of her as a factor. And that was her downfall. 

And thinking about this…a lot of fans love to speculate about how Tak’s story arc would’ve continued had the show’s run been not cut so short. And I guess I think it would’ve been very interesting to focus on the parts of Tak’s character which mirror Zim. I mean, she has just been thoroughly humiliated by the Irken she dismissed as a joke and two human children. Her ego is more bruised than ever and now she’s even more focused on revenge

So I think it would’ve been a compelling and darkly ironic arc for Tak to have her gradually… Zimmify. The more she keeps losing to the two Biggest Losers in the Galaxy (and also Gaz), the more she becomes frustrated with Zim, the more she becomes obsessed with getting her revenge and proving her superiority and the more she clings to her ego and to the idea that the main characters can’t, shouldn’t be threats to her…

the more she gradually becomes just as pathetic and irrational as her most loathed enemy, Zim. Until she is a shadow of the hypercompetent badass we met in her introductory episode. Zim basically drags her down to his level through his ability to be so loathsome and so frustrating and so pathetic and yet still find a way to survive and win. Until the dignified and competent would-be Invader we first met is nearly unrecognizable.

You can even play with stuff with Tak’s Ship or some other gizmo she could’ve put her brains into - who would retain her original level-headedness compared to what the Real Tak has become....

[yanderes-galore]

hello hello, may I request a sombra (overwatch) romantic concept? :3

Gotta love Sombra, yeah? Unless she's on the enemy team, as a support main I want to cry.

Yandere! Sombra/Olivia Colomar Concept

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Stalking, Manipulation, Breach of privacy, Breaking and entering, Secret recording, Drugging, Kidnapping, Isolation, Dubious affection, Forced relationship.

Sombra would be another yandere who likes to watch you from a distance for most of her obsession, just like Reaper and Genji.

Out of all the Overwatch yanderes she's probably the best at stalking, actually.

If Sombra is interested in someone she's going to know everything about them.

It's not that hard for her to so, especially if you are just a normal person.

No amount of VPNs or encryption software will prevent her from accessing your files.

She watches you from afar but also hacks into all of your personal data.

She downloads any information she wants to keep for further research.

Sombra, as your yandere, leaves nothing untouched.

She hacks into security cameras and webcams... she even uses her tech to sneak into your home.

You should really get more security...

Not like it will save you from her.

Sombra is careful of not allowing you to see her.

She takes her time with her obsession, learning every single thing she can about you at her own pace.

She quickly becomes addicted to watching you through cameras or sneaking into your home while you're unaware due to her invisibility tech that she stole.

At first Sombra just planned to spy on you, maybe you're close to a valuable target?

But over time her interests begin to shift.

Soon she begins to watch you because he enjoys it.

She finds how vulnerable you are amusing.

Especially since you have no idea she exists.

Sombra is very playful and teasing with her obsession.

She likes that she can lurk so close to you but still be undetectable.

She keeps her distance just enough to lurk as you do your daily life.

Her obsession certainly has a quiet start since you won't know she's around.

Not until she decides to take you off the grid.

At some point watching footage and stalking you isn't going to satiate her obsession.

Especially if she feels romantic feelings... eventually she's going to think of kissing you and holding you.

That idea ends up driving her addiction to you.

Eventually she backs any information she has on you into a private thumb drive.

Things like IDs and important digital documents.

Then she works on erasing all the public stuff and makes you a home away from society.

Sombra is definitely one of the more intense yanderes due to her stalking and her forcing dependency on her darling.

Once she's ready she'll take her darling away with some drugging before allowing them to awaken in their private home.

She's already moved all your stuff and given you a pretty purple chain to keep you in place.

Sombra is efficient when it comes to her obsession.

She's highly manipulative and knows how to get things done.

There's no contact to the outside world for you.

She isn't a very violent yandere.

She avoids unnecessary violence and instead whisks her darling away in silence.

She works in the shadows, it's what she's used to.

Plus when she has you she already knows just about everything about you.

All thanks to her research.

Sombra promises to take good care of you, all with a grin as she tilts your head up.

When she has you she's able to indulge in kisses and hugs.

She adores you and soothes your worries by whispering how much she adores you while lightly touching your nose.

Y'know... you're very special to her.

She wouldn't remember everything about you if she didn't seem interested at least a little bit...

Really... there's no one else better than her to take care of you... so why even bother trying to leave her?

Not like you could in the first place... no one else knows you exist except her... she's made sure of that.

[cinnamonest]

hi lena ^_^ i saw your post about twst and i wanted to ask your thoughts on floyd *_* specifically regarding his mood swings + sadism and how you think he'd be as a yandere.. i honestly pray for his darling bc even normal floyd is terrifying

MY BOY I've had an idea for him for a while now and I'm glad to share it so ty <33333

On a soft (? sorta?) note he is absolutely the "I don't understand what this feeling is and how to express it to you and am confused and mad about it and I want to be around you but don't want to be vulnerable so I am just going to be a Menace™" type of boy. I LOVE the thought of him dealing with feelings bc I feel like the moment he has to handle something that actually makes him nervous and Feel Things he just... bluescreens, like eel.exe has stopped responding, he has one way and one way only of doing literally anything and now suddenly he has a fragile situation and he actually tries his best to do things "correctly" because he wants you to like him but at the same time it makes him vulnerable and he Does Not Like That At All.

As to how there's a female at the all-male school... use y'all's imagination I forgot to come up with something 😅A similar situation to the prefect maybe

Notes/Warnings: fem reader, VERY dubious consent that's basically just noncon, Jade taking being an enabler to another level, in fact Jade + Azul are just as bad if not worse here, a bit of canon divergence bc I expanded/extrapolated/exaggerated the limitations and capabilities of Azul's spell for plot purposes, biting (blood involved bc have you seen this boy's teeth), sadistic tendencies, consumption of fluids on his end, mentions of avoiding impregnation, Floyd being an entity of chaos and a creepy selfish little bastard all around

------------------------------

He has two major issues.

One, he doesn't understand his own feelings very well, can't recognize them for what they are, and this becomes a source of frustration.

Two, even if he does come to understand, he can only express himself in the worst of ways. He's surprisingly somewhat... uncomfortable with it. After all, he's not someone who usually cares a lot about the opinions of others, so he's not used to wanting someone to like him.

And consequently, for someone normally so blunt and transparent, the concept of romantic love is something so out of his comfort zone, so foreign and uncertain and vulnerable, that it's one of a few times he's ever felt embarrassed over something, although he does hide it well.

That self-direction frustration and confusion comes a bit later on, but not at first. No, initially, he just does what comes naturally to him. He's not someone that really puts too much thought into what he does or why, just acts on urge and impulse. Nor does he think about the implications of those impulses and urges, what the desire to do this or that means. He just does what he feels like in the moment, and does so without hesitation or consideration. Usually, that entails being a pest to whoever is the most entertaining to get reactions out of.

And as for you, you're entertaining. Perhaps predictably, he quickly becomes a thorn in your side, from the first unfortunate interaction you have, an unpleasant occurrence in which he happened to sit beside you on the first day of a class and quickly learned you were amusing to annoy all throughout. He's always been that kid that entertains himself by making constructs out of materials available to him.

Unfortunately for you, the universe has decided to gift him with the most valuable possible material to such a person: a rubber band. About fifteen minutes into class, he's constructed some catapult-esque contraption out of pencils, a paperclip, and said rubber band, puts an eraser into it, and sends it flinging a short distance -- which just so happens to be directly onto you hand, causing your highlighter to skid across the paper. You narrow your eyes into a glare, and harshly set it back on his section of the desk.

As it turns out, expressing your annoyance was a mistake. The same thing repeats itself. The bastard has a dumb smile plastered on his face about it this time. Your eye twitches as you shove it back on him again. The process repeats again before the class is over.

He learns the things that irk you quickly. Especially if he runs off with things that belong to you, or tries to look over your shoulder and read whatever's on your phone or your notes. He quickly singles in on you as an ideal target.

But there's something different about your reactions, something that sets apart the feeling from other people.

Usually, he doesn't really mind when people get annoyed or mad. Depending on the situation, he might get irritated in return, but whether or not the reaction is enjoyable depends on the individual and situation. Annoying people is always fun, but whether or not it's fun to get the person really mad depends on that person. Pure anger is only funny from a handful of people, namely Rosehearts and a couple of the teachers. A lot of people get too serious when they're mad, so it's not as fun. It's much more amusing when there's panic with it, when he has the upper hand over someone in some way, or if the person is too tiny (at least compared to him) or weak or some other trait for him to take them seriously (that's what you fall into).

But you -- when you're annoyed, when you glare, when you spoke to him through clenched teeth that first day in class - hey, knock it off! - it was amusing, yeah, but there's also a different feeling too, something like... irritation. It feels bad, even though the amusing part feels good. And it makes him feel some pang of an unpleasant sensation, makes him upset. He likes making you mad, and yet there's something about doing so that he doesn't like, too, some unpleasant emotion that always accompanies the good, amusing feeling. It's quickly addictive. He starts acting on impulse more and more with each class period you have together.

So, he didn't really think about it. You wouldn't let him look over your shoulder at what you're writing, cast a glare again? Well, that's fine. He just grabs your notebook as you're packing up, and takes it with him.

Wha-- hey... HEY! That's mine!

You chase after him, but it doesn't do you any good, he's got long legs and can get away long before you stand a chance of catching up. You have no choice but to go on the rest of your day without it. You would have reported an incident of harassment or theft or whatever other term you could come up with to complain to the school administration about, but later that same day, he comes to your dorm's common area, calling out to ask if someone by the name of (your name) is present, holding it out to give it back. Based on what you know of the guy, you're a bit shocked he would come back himself.

Or so you think. You glare and rip it out of his hands, giving a few choice words before you realize how upright and poised he seems to be now, quiet, a neutral but pleasant expression rather than the lazy, bored one he has throughout class. He tilts his head.

I apologize. You seem to be unaware...

After explaining the difference between the two (much to your shocked expression, and ignoring your attempts to stutter out an apology), Jade reassures you he only came to return it after asking his brother how a notebook with a stranger's name on it ended up on the floor of their room (is this normal enough behavior that his first guess was that it was stolen...?). He reassures you that you can direct 'any future issues or altercations' to him, and implores you to forget the incident.

Well... he was so polite, and you feel really embarrassed and guilty for chewing him out when it turns out you had the wrong guy. You tell yourself you can let this singular incident slide. You make a mental note to avoid both individuals from that point forward.

Which, as it turns out, is not exactly easy. You get to your class early in hopes of snagging a seat in between two people, but that fails, and he ends up beside you again. Acts as if nothing happened. Just slouches over, asks in a lazy tone of voice to borrow a pen. It makes you sort of snap at him.

Oh, you want to steal that from me too?

...Eh? I didn't steal nothing from you... you got it back, yeah? It's right there on your desk. I just borrowed it a while.

You grind your teeth. At further pestering, you hand over your least-valued pen, making him swear to return it to you by the end of the class period. Not that the precious ink is being put to any good use, no. You take a glance over while the lecture drones on, but he's just scribbling onto a sheet of notebook paper. At least he does give it back.

It quickly becomes a cycle with each class. When a quiz day comes along, he rather blatantly leans his entire body to the side for several seconds, scanning your paper before copying your answers. It infuriates you, but you tell yourself it's not worth the trouble. You figure maybe he's the type that will leave you alone if you just keep ignoring him, probably will stop finding you fun to mess with if you don't give him attention.

Except that's difficult to do. If you don't give said attention, he pesters you until you do.

Hey.

You stay quiet. Just ignore him, just ignore him... so you tell yourself.

Hey.

You try. You try very hard.

Hey. Hey, hey.

You get taps on the shoulder that time. You turn your head, narrow your eyes, hiss out a whisper. What?!

It's never anything important, usually pointing out something amusing -- a crude drawing left in a textbook from a student of years past, that guy over there fell asleep on his desk and looks really funny, the prefect's cat got up and started wandering around. Never anything important.

And then, just when you thought that was bad enough, you go to a different class, one where you have your seating assigned to you, only to find out that it's been rearranged. And guess who you get put next to? It feels like some sort of joke from a higher power. Now you have to deal with him for over two hours a day. He doesn't seem to mind, though.

You aren't sure how you expressing blatant irritation at his every word could have possibly given the boy the impression that you were friends or anything, but for whatever reason, he starts to seek you out outside of classes. At lunch, in classes, in passing in the halls. When you think back, you're not certain exactly when or with what it started, it just seems to happen so quickly and subtly it becomes a part of your daily life without even noticing until you're too deep into the daily ritual to back out. It's almost never a pleasant interaction, it's always to inconvenience you in some way, or just to ask you stupid questions in that grating sort of whiny voice he gets whenever perturbed.

What're you reading?

Snatches it out of your hands. This is really boring, you really read this? Like, for fun? You have bad taste... hey, stop trying to grab it, he's still looking at it. As time goes on, and if he's in a particular sort of mood, you may be humiliatingly jumping up and down in an attempt to get it while he holds it up over your head. Until, eventually, he suddenly stops, seemingly losing all interest in the torment, handing it back to you and walking off, sometimes without a word. Other times you'll be trying to work on something, only for a shadow to appear over you and your work.

Mm? What is that?

You remind him it's the homework that's due in a couple of hours. He replies, with no sense of urgency, that oh, I forgot about that. Tries to talk to you about something else. You give curt, short answers, very clearly communicating a not-subtle 'go away,' but even if he catches the hint, he doesn't act upon it. Just sits there, keeps asking pestering, pointless questions, before abruptly standing up and leaving whenever he feels like it. He gives you some dumb nickname that makes your skin crawl, but after telling him not to call you that, he just does so more. It starts with questions that wouldn't be so bad if not for the perpetual poor timing and coming from him, but often turn outright rude.

What class do you have after this one?

Why'd you get sorted into that dorm? They're all so boring...

Home come you're so uptight all the time? Don't you ever do anything fun?

And no matter how blatant the irritation and annoyance in your voice is when you reply, it doesn't deter him from continuing. If you're not paying enough attention to him, he can just take whatever you're looking at out of your hands. If you try to get up and leave, he just follow behind you, only finally leaving when he loses interest, and no sooner.

For everyone else, though, it's sort of a blessing. He's focused all his attention on you, so the normal victims of his tendencies and antics are left alone and unbothered, with you receiving the same annoyance and pestering and presence usually spread out across multiple others. He's even absent from the lounge quite a bit when he shouldn't be.

But for you, it starts to make you paranoid. You find yourself looking around all the time, unable to really relax whenever you're in open areas public to the student body, like the cafeteria and library and the like. You start to just study and work in your room much more often. You try once more to get to class early so you can find a seat in between two others, so he can't sit next to you, which does work every now and then (much to the visible displeasure on his face). But every time you see him, he's right back to being annoying. You don't know why, and you know you've made it more than clear that you'd rather not have him around.

So, you simply begin to avoid him more intensely. The class seating arrangement is not really fixable, but now you pack up and bolt out the door as soon as it's over, and don't linger in the slightest, try to get away before he can even follow you out. You work exclusively in your room, or areas limited to your dorm's students. You avoid him whenever possible during school hours, too. Which isn't too hard, as he's so tall that you can generally pick him out of a crowd and see him from a good distance away. You make sure to keep as great of a distance as possible between the two of you, and if you notice him coming towards you, you try your best to get away. Sometimes, inevitably, you still fail. Your eyes meet, you see him perk up and make his way over to you, and you fail to get away fast enough before a hand grabs the collar of your uniform and pulls you back. Hey... where're you trying to go...?

And it's not as if he's unaware that you're avoiding him.

No, in truth, he's very aware he's annoying you. He's realized that from the beginning, hell, it was intentional, he was trying to do so, after all. But he's aware that it's not just annoying you in a temporary way that's fun for him (although that's often true as well), but also that he's actively making you dislike him. He keeps digging the hole deeper and deeper and making you hate him but he can't stop.

See, he knows no other way to interact with you. Messing with you and terrorizing you on a daily basis is just the default way he interacts with virtually everyone. It's what comes naturally. And normally, people being wary of him and a bit uneasy around him is fine by him, amusing even. The only people he really cares about are his brother and Azul, and both of them are essentially immune to his ways to an extent. Thus, he's never had to learn to interact with others in a positive, normal way. He wants to be around you, but the only way he can manage do that is one that makes you not want to be around him. The way he is just kind of... comes out, without making an intentional effort to be that way. This gradually begins to create a great deal of negative emotion in him.

Especially seeing as he doesn't really get it to begin with. He's perceptive of you to an extent, but he's not all that self-aware, he doesn't understand the feeling itself, just knows the urges are there -- the urge to be around you, talk to you, follow you around. Mess with you and watch you squirm. He doesn't like that following the urges is resulting in your disdain the way it is. Someone avoiding him has never made him frustrated like it does now. Normally, he really couldn't care less what others think of him, so he doesn't put others' perception or esteem of him into consideration when acting. His lack of concern for this is pretty obvious in his attitude, too.

But the thing is, he does care, when it comes to you, how he's perceived. And that's a new, foreign feeling. Everything you cause him to feel is very new and foreign. It's a lot of strange feelings he doesn't understand, and is very frustrated about not understanding.

Not that he doesn't still enjoy antagonizing you. No, he greatly enjoys getting reactions from you, startling you, stealing things from you, making you mad or upset, seeing you jump to try and get your things back.

It's difficult to explain (largely because it's nonsensical), but he basically wants to terrorize your life and ruin your day, over and over, but he  wants you to be a willing participant in the cycle, rather than avoiding him or running away. For you to allow it... well, no, just allowing it and being unaffected would be boring. He wants you to be upset and mad, but to not avoid what makes you upset. To be bothered, but to... enjoy being upset. For you to like it and dislike it at the same time.

Of course, the problem lies in the fact that this is simply not the logical course of action any normal person would take. He does upset you and he does annoy you, so, like anyone would do, you avoid him.

The thing is, he sometimes comes to you with genuine intent, just wanting to ask a question or something similar. He's done so a few times in the past, just sees you and follows the impulse to approach you and start talking. On those occasions, he's not really all that unpleasant, just asks what you're doing and where you're headed, but to you, you automatically assume it's just a precursor to doing something to upset you. The way he looms over you and stares down at you certainly doesn't help diminish the intimidation, even if he's not trying to be intimidating. Granted, that too would likely turn into something less pleasant, but he's still trying to strike up a genuine conversation. Thus, when you still frantically try to get away on those occasions, it upsets him even more than when you do so normally. Even though he's just trying to talk to you, even though he didn't do anything wrong, you still stiffen up, look to the ground, give a quick answer and go running off and away. It feels irritating.

What gives?

He gets that sort of irritated, whining tone, that furrowed eyebrows and slight scowl to his face, even though he's just muttering to himself. You're way overreacting... he's trying to be nice this time and you're still running away when you see him? What do you have to go and do that for? Why do you act like he's gonna do something bad? What has he ever done to deserve you being so cold as to turn off and run before he can even get a word out? Ugh.

The scowl persists as he makes his way back home. He's petulant when he's in a bad mood. Doesn't want to help at the lounge... even him coming up to you just now was after he went off on his own when he was supposed to be there, leading to a serious staffing confusion and the lounge going unmanned for a solid half hour. Not that his mood swings haven't led to him abandoning responsibilities before, but he usually has at least some consideration as to not outright leave on the rare occasion he's been needed to run things alone while the others are busy.

When questioned on the matter, he just shrugs.

I didn't feel like it.

But it's said not in that usual dismissive, lazy tone of his, but rather, a very obviously bitter voice. And, quite childishly, he doesn't respond well to asked as to what's wrong. Of course, there's a certain embarrassment to liking someone that way. His subconscious knows that, but he doesn't consciously know why that burning feeling is there. Thinking about it all makes him feel some feeling that's good and bad and exciting and dreadful and pulls him in and scares him away all at the same time and it's so, so incredibly frustrating.  Usually, if he's mad about something, he won't hesitate to complain and be very vocal about things that upset him, even when it would probably be best left unsaid. Now, though, at the probing of both Azul and his twin, he's very clearly upset, but gives uncharacteristically curt, cold replies when asked what's causing his poor mood.

Nothin'.

But those questions aren't being asked out of genuine curiosity, either, more just to see if it'll help him to talk about it.

They already know. Floyd is not the most perceptive of his own self, but that doesn't mean that Jade and Azul aren't already perfectly well aware of exactly what the issue is. They keep enough of an eye on him to have seen him around, always trailing you, always sulking after you run off, they've seen how his mood has gotten worse and worse with time, and both connect the dots more or less immediately.

They don't really know what to do, though. The situation leaves the both of them at a loss. They certainly do discuss the matter to each other, whenever Floyd is gone off to go hunting for you or sent to run errands or merely sulking off on his own, but have trouble coming up with what can really be done to resolve the problem. After all, it's... well, it's him. Him being the person that he is complicates literally any social situation he could ever possible be involved in. Initially, they tried to just redirect his attention back to something else, hoping he'd lose interest in you, but that didn't work.

Eventually, although it's more of a straightforward and potentially risky plan than either would have liked, they do come up with something akin to a solution. Nothing covert, nothing manipulative or underhanded, rather, incredibly direct and transparent, at least towards you.

You're looking down at your notes, so you have your head tilted down when you're approached, have your name called out to you. That's a bit startling, as you didn't hear anyone approach, and you're sitting by yourself after classes have ended for the day... but it's far more startling when you tilt your head up to the speaker, and nearly have a heart attack, stiffening and starting to stand up before you recognize that oh, it's the *other* one.

Jade is as eerily polite as always. Apologizes for startling you, standing in that stiff and unmoving way that makes your skin crawl. He says he simply has a proposition that would be potentially beneficial to you, in exchange for helping him with a problem. You warily ask for some elaboration.

He doesn't beat around the bush or waste any time building up to the offer. It's very simple. Your avoidance of his brother, who is fond of you, puts him in a poor mood, which negatively affects those around him. You, for a negotiable weekly sum, will abide by the following loose terms: stop avoiding him as you do, be pleasant towards him, entertain his ways, and generally gives him what he wants. Interventions and help for problems that may arise can be discussed. Name a price.

You're taken aback at first, left blinking, wide-eyed and silent. Even if it weren't such a bizarre thing to be asked, the suddenness with which you're hit with the information takes a moment to register.

What?

But after the offer is repeated to you (calmly, as if saying nothing out of the ordinary), and you fully process it, you scoff.

Are you serious?

But he doesn't miss a beat.

Entirely. You go to protest, but he speaks again before you can. He tends to lose interest in things very quickly, as I'm sure you're aware. It would most likely only be for a short time.

A few moments of silence pass between the two of you. You roll your eyes, lean back in your seat, and think of an outrageous price, hopefully to deter him, making sure to add a sardonic tone to be clear it's not serious. Twenty-thousand thaumarks a week.

But instead of sighing or making a displeased expression, he just nods.

Accepted. Please, sign this.

You sputter and stiffen. A paper is set on the desk, a pen set down to your side. Right, these people are obsessed with making all deals by written contracts, you've heard that mentioned before... still, the prospect is... You swallow, blink numbly, look back and forth between the paper and the eerie, unwavering smile above you. There's practically an essay written in tiny text on the paper, but you're not about to take the time to read all of that. Instead, you focus on the much-larger bullet points at the center of the paper, with your and Floyd's names handwritten into some of the brackets, to establish the primary points of the contract.

Do not flee when approached, and do not avoid the tertiary party [LEECH, F.] without reason outside of desire to do so.

Spend approximately, at minimum, three (3) hours per day outside of in-class time in each other's presence.

Behave generally pleasantly towards the tertiary party [LEECH, F.], avoid unnecessary cruelty or malice.

Abide by the tertiary party's will, and do not impede the tertiary party from doing as he wishes.

And beneath it all, there's a final piece of large print, bolded too, right before the designated signature line.

This contract will remain known exclusively to the primary [LEECH, J.; ASHENGROTTO, A.] and secondary [______] parties. No individuals outside of these parties, including the tertiary party [LEECH, F.] may be made aware of the existence of this contract nor the contents thereof.

Your nose scrunches. Of course the bastard would make it sound a lot better verbally, when the specifics are stricter... given all of this, the proposition would be incredibly annoying. Not to mention--

...What if I mess up just once? How do you even know I'm doing it anyway?

The other twin doesn't seem to be bothered by the question.

I will not be able to watch your every move, so you are granted some leeway to make mild offenses, but if you continually violate the terms, or commit major violations...

His smile seems to widen, his eyes close.

I *will* know. I assure you.

His expression creeps you out. You shift in your seat. Your natural reaction, of course, is to immediately reject the idea. Besides, it's a golden scroll, made by the dorm's housewarden... that means it's magically bound, or something like that, and he can take some ability of yours away or something. But you, well, the housewarden has nothing against you, you've never actually interacted with the guy. Besides, your magical abilities are... not enviable, you'd admit. So whatever is taken can't be too useful to you. This is probably just the default way they do all contracts, you assume.

Nonetheless, you still don't like how shady the thought of magic being involved in the contract is.

...But that's a lot of money.

That's a LOT of money.

And he said it would be temporary, right? Even at the bottom of the contract, amidst a mountain of words, you spot in slightly larger print: ...until it can be mutually agreed upon by the primary and secondary party that the tertiary party has lost interest, at which point, the contract may be terminated without further effect or consequence.

With that in mind, it's basically just putting up with him for a month or two for a lot of money, right?

You clench your jaw, but your hand seems to move on its own. You just can't pass that up.  He snatches it back the moment you set the pen down.

Thank you for your cooperation. You will receive a transfer to your account by the end of the day.

You shift uncomfortably in your chair and start to ask about the specifics, you didn't read all that tiny print after all... but he's already out the door. You get the sense he left as fast as he could on purpose. You're not sure if there's anything else specific you're supposed to do, but if so, it's kinda his fault for not elaborating, you assume.

But as the day goes on, you get a dreadful feeling in your stomach. Maybe that wasn't a wise idea. You start to think of all the ways you can get out of this, consider walking over to Octavinelle just to try and cancel the deal... but... that is a lot of money. Even someone like him is tolerable with that much money on the line, right? You've already gotten used to his presence, so, you figure it won't be too bad. You just have to tolerate what you've already gotten used to, and you'll get paid for it. It's not like it can really get any worse.

Except it can.

It turns out, as awful as Floyd is when you're running away from him, it is indeed infinitely worse when you don't run.

At first, you figure he just has to be there, right? Jade never said you have to really pay him any mind. So you go about your tasks... for whatever amount of time you can.

He gets annoyed pretty quickly. Rips the thing you're doing out of your hands. What's this for? This looks boring...

If you're looking at something on your phone, likewise, he leans over, reads the screen of whatever app you're on. If it's social media - Who's that? That your family? - or if it's a game - what's that? What's that thing for? What are you supposed to do? - and if it's a website or text-based social app - what's that about? Which one is you? What're you talking about? - just zero respect for your privacy, trying to butt in on whatever you're doing. Most importantly, he very quickly decides it's boring and you should do something else, and will take the phone out of your hands if need be. It's like a child, his solution to getting your attention or getting you to do anything is always the same, directly grabbing whatever is in your hands and pulling it away so you're forced to either pay attention to him, or follow him in an attempt to get it back. It quickly becomes a habit of his that drives you up the wall.

Your agreement also means you now no longer try to run to class early to get a seat between two already-taken seats before he can get there, no. Now, he's following you all the time anyway, so you don't get the chance. And he doesn't exactly pay attention in class, as you've already learned. As time goes on, he gets more conversational rather than just the occasional interjection, acting as if class time is just a designated period for you two to whisper back and forth, seeming to not care whether or not you're trying to actually pay attention. Occasionally he'll use a paper (provided by you) and pen (also provided by you) to draw a tic-tac-toe board, which you usually actually do engage with, as it's a way to keep him quietly, non-disruptively entertained for a few minutes.

As agreed, once classes are over, you let him follow you for about three hours, usually to the library or the school store. Once that time is up, though, you say you have to study, and bid him farewell to go to your room. That's a valid reason, you assume, and it's not like Jade can watch you from the safety of your room, so it's not a violation even if you're actually just going back to nap.

There's never any "official" moment at which things become "a relationship." He never says anything of the sort, and neither do you — you agreed to tolerate it, but you're certainly not going to instigate that. Hell, you want to avoid him thinking it's something like that, even if you've slowly pieced together that that may be what he wants.

Or so you guess. That's the conclusion you come to, but he's not a person who makes sense to begin with. If that was what he wanted, it makes no sense for him to have acted the way he has either. You just try to not think about it, and deal with things as they happen.

He just gets more... comfortable. You were hoping that he would maybe get less intense with time, that he'd get bored as he so often does with other things, but it only seems to get worse. He sits closer to you whenever you're next to each other. When he trails behind you, the distance between you two has grown smaller and smaller, so much so that sometimes his shoes scuff against yours, your arms brush up against each other.

He finds you more frequently. It reaches a point where it's suffocating. It used to be that he would come find you to annoy you maybe once a day or so, but now, it's every opportunity. Somehow he manages to learn where you have classes and clubs, where you hang out after the day is over, and hunts you down at each one with eerie precision and accuracy, within minutes of leaving a room or sitting down. Sometimes he's waiting outside the door when you exit a class. Stays with you all day, for the remainder of the day, until you finally go back to your dorm.

He himself doesn't treat it as if it's strange or funny or anything. You almost get the sense he doesn't realize how abnormal it comes across as. Always just striking up conversation on whatever strikes him as important enough to address at the moment. Or, increasingly commonly as time goes on, and an indicator that he's going to be particularly annoying on that day: I'm bored.

You always sigh. But you have to be somewhat polite... well, what do you expect *me* to do about that...?

He'll shrug. Maybe say 'dunno.'

But that's when he starts to get nosey, mess with your things. Always flops down on the other side of where you're sitting, or beside you. Continues the habit of ripping things out of your hands (your biggest pet peeve with him, the most infuriating thing he does, and yet does it so often), feels the need to comment on them, moves on to mess with something else. All until it always ends the same way -- with your undivided attention being on him and exclusively him.

Hey, play a game with me.

Watch this video with me.

We're gonna go to the store, I wanna get something.

Always, always, doing whatever he wants. You have to learn to bite your tongue. It's worse than it ever was when he was just a pest in class. When you made the agreement with Jade, you were envisioning only dealing with what you were already accustomed to. You didn't think it would get more intense.

And another thing, you also didn't predict the repercussions of that when it comes to other people.

You wanted to hang out with your own friends, but since he tags along with you everywhere you go, you tried to maybe you could lug him along like a pet or something and hope he stayed quiet... but people know who he is, and most are a bit uneasy around him. He doesn't actually do anything bad -- he doesn't have to. He just sort of looks over at your group, making eye contact, and almost immediately one person suddenly conveniently has to leave. Then another, then another, and all of your friends have disbanded within a few minutes, and he didn't have to say a word. You sulk back to your dorm... you get the sense he's not at all unhappy, though. It just means more time by yourselves, after all.

People try and approach you, still, just to say hi, to ask a question. Plenty of times now, you've been sitting next to him in the library or on a bench in the outdoor area and someone will come up to you, waving and calling your name... only to stiffen. He just looks at them. Not a glare like a normal person would if upset, but that blank, wide-eyed, intense stare, eerie and ominous and more threatening than any glare, really. It drives people away within a minute of coming up to you, they usually stammer something about whatever they were going to approach you for, but get it out as quickly as they can before taking off in a different direction.

It's not the only issue with others, either. On the rare occasion you get to have a few minutes to talk with someone else, he always manages to show up, interrupts your conversations, coming up to you and talking right over the other person, pulling you away as if they weren't there.

One day, a rare occurrence takes place in which he actually was running late (some sort of issue at the lounge) and isn't with you when you arrive, nor is he already in the classroom by the time you get there. In his absence, some poor, poor new transfer student makes the mistake of sitting down beside you. You say nothing, not wanting to be rude... and besides, surely he'll let this one instance go, right? It's not that big of a deal.

You would be wrong. He comes walking up to his usual place, quiet and staring. There's a few moments of silence. You turn in your chair and are just about to say something when the poor kid is grabbed by the back of his shirt, hauled up into the air, carried a few steps over, and promptly dumped onto the ground. Floyd takes his usual place, the kid runs off, all without a word. He says nothing about it either, just starts talking. What's everyone looking through the book for? 's there a test today...?

You didn't say anything at the time, but that occurrence marks the moment you truly begin to realize you can't allow things to go on as they are.

So you tell yourself. You tell yourself you're going to do something. Over and over.

But the spending money is nice. You get a ton of things you wouldn't have otherwise. New stationery and notebooks for class, a new phone, some expensive memory cards, so on and so on. You blow through it pretty fast... even though you tried to tell yourself to save some of it. Honestly, you often end up making an unnecessary purchase as a reward to yourself after a particularly energy-draining day of dealing with Floyd. It's what keeps you going, really. Until this is over.

It's only one day, upon thinking that, that you realize something. It's been months since you started enduring all this, and yet, unlike the prediction you were given, he shows no signs of "losing interest."

That's worrying. You only agreed under the belief it would be short-lived. There is absolutely no way you can endure this for the rest of the semester, let alone the year, or, God forbid, the rest of your school career. You'd go insane. You have to do something.

You consider going over and giving Floyd's twin a piece of your mind and telling him to forget it, plenty of times. But soon that isn't even an option, because you wouldn't have the time.

Because now, he starts following you back to your dorm. Like so many other things, it's never addressed, it goes unspoken. One day he just apparently decides that he's not going to follow you to the edge of your dorm and bid you goodbye for the day like usual, no, he just... keeps walking. Follows you into your dorm space without a word about the matter. At least he seems to be enjoying himself, saying something about how it's cool, asking what's that and that over there, so on and so on. It's only after you reach your room that he finally seems to take a hint and mutters something about seeing you tomorrow. You give a brief mm-hmm before closing the door to your room behind you, and sinking down to your knees in exhaustion. Great, now he knows where your room is.

It's only after a few minutes of sitting there, though, that you realize you haven't heard his footsteps walk away yet.

Is he just... standing...? No, you just... didn't hear it. You were lost in thought. So you tell yourself.

Meanwhile, he wonders why you haven't gotten up yet. Are you sitting on the floor? He can sort of see your shadow through the tiny crack of light at the bottom of the door.

He was kinda hoping to go inside. That's disappointing... sigh.

You're probably at that point, right? He's... not sure. He would think so. Is there some kind of factor determining whether or not it's okay for him to go in? Was he supposed to just walk in anyway? You probably wouldn't have minded, right? Should've done that. He's not familiar with any time frame where you're supposed to start going into each other's places, but he's like, ninety-nine percent sure you're there.

See, to him, he just assumes something must have changed somehow. More importantly, he is under the impression you are "together" in the relational sense.

At some point along the way, unlike he was initially, he's figured things out. Never said it out loud. He's usually not someone that's embarrassed easily, but the thought of this in particular is... it makes him uncomfortable in a way that's foreign to him. It's confusing.

But he does understand, now. Why being around you makes him feel like there's a weight on his chest, such a nervous and unpleasant feeling, yet why he keeps coming back to it, why such an unpleasant feeling can be so pleasant and addictive all the same. Even he, who has no former experience with the emotion, who has never even given the topic much thought, can only think about it for so long before putting the pieces together. He doesn't fight it, no, he's not the type to be in denial. He just sort of... accepts it. It is what it is.

Still, he's not good with this sort of thing. Doesn't really know a lot. Has never experienced it before. And that makes him uncomfortable, nervous even, below the surface of a composed exterior. He's never cared about what someone else thinks of him, has never wanted someone to like him.

And in truth, he's been somewhat nervously analyzing you all along. Again, he just... doesn't know of another way to interact with someone, than the way he does already. But this is the one time he's really really cared, so if there is some other way to interact with you, that's supposed to win you over, he'd want to know. Is there something special he's supposed to do?

Ugh. It's all so annoying. It makes him mad. It's made worse by the fact that the source of the negative emotion is a situation, a concept, his own feelings, not a person. Usually when he's mad, he can squeeze whoever's making him mad... he wants nothing more than to take the source of the anger, wrap his hands around its neck... but he can't, because there is no person at fault (well, he thought about doing that to you, but that made him feel weird in a different way that he doesn't get yet). But the emotion keeps boiling over, it's unbearable, he hates it.

Well, come tomorrow morning, the residents of your dorm will find one of their pieces of thematic decor snapped in half, but... yeah, no one saw it happen, so he'll just set the other half on the ground and find his way out. He kicks at the ground as he walks, deep in thought.

All of a sudden, you stopped running away so much. You still have an irritated expression sometimes, but maybe that's just how you are? That's how you always seem, and he's around you all the time, so that must just be your resting face. Otherwise, why would you be wearing that face whenever he's around you?

Whatever the reason, you clearly don't mind. So, that basically officiates it, doesn't it? No need to actually say anything or ever address it. That would be... something he doesn't know how to do. Something he can't afford to just do, as it doesn't come naturally. Something he won't do, can't do.

But that's normal, right? It happens all the time, people are together without every officially establishing it.

Instead, he just tests you. That makes sense to him. The desperation to have some sort of confirmation gives him the temporary confidence to go through with such a thing without hesitation.

You would never know he's uneasy. He comes across as just as uncaring and casual in the action as everything else he does. It's a very simple test, too: comes up to you after a class, gives you the usual what're you doing?, you exchange a few words, he sits down beside you like always.

Except this time, as you are acutely and immediately aware, he sits so close that your thighs touch.

A moment passes. You clench your teeth and stiffen. But, you're pretty sure this would fall under the technicalities of the contract, so, you bear it, and you say nothing.

...

...

...You didn't move.

Yeah, so, if you didn't view things between you two the same way he does, you would have moved. That basically confirms it, for him. Good to know. It's not solidified in his mind. Very relieving.

From that point forward, he starts to become more touchy. He always sits that way, so your legs touch, he starts to lean so that your arms touch too. Eventually he starts to just lean over, rest on you. The fact that you don't pull away is reassuring.

Nor is his tendency to grab at things limited to objects you're holding; even with you, he's grabby. You're going off in one direction, but he wants to go this way? He'll just grab you by the arm and pull you the preferred direction. He wants to get up and go somewhere else? He'll abruptly stand up, grab the collar of your shirt and pull you up. He has no issue interrupting you, far overstepping the boundaries of rudeness to prioritize you paying attention to what he wants. Even if you're listening to music or something, but he deems whatever he has to tell or show you as more important (which he always does), he'll just pull the earbuds out of your ears to interrupt and override whatever you're doing.

If you get a text, he'll often poke his head over your shoulder as he did before, but often now he'll just grab your phone and look at it himself. Hey, who's this? That's a newer aspect of his interruptive tendencies that begins to develop - he's always gotten nosey about who people are, but you notice he's much more intent on it now, no longer accepts one word answers like "my cousin" or "a friend" alone, but instead pries more and more, wanting to know how you know them, how often you talk to them, if they're a student here, and so on. It helps his case that he doesn't ask in an angry or nervous tone, instead maintains his usual casual, lax tone of voice... but even so, there's still an increasingly clear intensity to it, insistence. Namely because, on the few times you've tried to get around a question or avoid answering, he doesn't let it slide, and will ask the same thing again. Again, no anger or intense emotion, but something about the fact that he asks a second time, no matter how relaxed his face and voice may seem, gives you a sense of unease. Like it bothers him more than it would initially seem.

Once, you must have forgotten to lock your screen, because you come back after getting up to get a drink (insisting no, the machine is right over there, that he needs to just sit right there and not get up to follow) to him sitting there, scrolling through... your phone. Not trying to hide it; even when you stand there in slack-jawed disbelief at the audacity, he turns his gaze over to you for a moment before asking why you haven't sat back down yet. Notes that hey, you know, you really should optimize your phone settings, your battery's gonna drain faster the way it is now... and keeps scrolling. Even when you get over the disbelief and, momentarily forgetting your contract terms, start grabbing for it (that's my phone! Floyd, you can't -- you can't just -- ugh! Give it!) he just leans over and turns all around to avoid you snatching it back, continuing his curious browsing with an otherwise blank face, only smiling after finding something somewhat embarrassing, turning it back to you to tease you about it, which goes on for a few minutes before finally relenting.

It's too much. You barely manage to control your frustration. It's reached a point where the money isn't worth it, he's too annoying, he's driving you crazy, freaking you out, driving your friends away. You can't even remember the last time you had a conversation with anyone other than him. You tell yourself to take the first opportunity you get to seek Jade out again.

Which does come, one day, in an unexpected situation. A partnered project in the lecture section of the alchemy class you two are in, to be completed as part of the lab section. The professor begins reading off pairs of who works with who, but you realize the partners being assigned are based on just who sits next to each other. Unsurprisingly, then, your names are called as a pair. He seems pleased by it, making a comment about how you should make something cool-looking (the subject matter is destructive chemicals, so you're almost worried he might put a bit too much effort in...).

Not that that's too bad. You already spend all that time with him anyway... besides, you'd almost be afraid for the safety of your partner if it was anyone else. He might do something to them. You'd hate someone to get hurt because of you. You don't think much more of the matter, until suddenly, after school is over for the day, he abruptly stops, just as you pass by some of the doors leading to important administrative offices and, more notably, the school pharmacy.

I'm gonna go get something... wait here just a minute.

It immediately strikes you as odd that he doesn't have you go in with him. But frankly, your curiosity on that is immediately overshadowed by the sudden realization that, for once, you have a spare moment to yourself, during the daytime. His absence gives you an opportunity. Sure, he said he'd only be gone "a minute," but the temptation to be able to end things is too strong. It's not like it matters if you ditch him, since you'll be able to get rid of him permanently soon, right? You can cancel the contract, finish this project, tell him off and then never talk to him again. Be done with it all for good. It's more than you can handle. You chastise yourself for ever agreeing in the first place.

You practice a speech on the way to Octavinelle, run over the words over and over, but by the time you get there and make your way to the housewarden's office (you know full well he's in on it too, his name was on the contract after all) and barge through the doors, your mind goes blank.

Predictably, the housewarden and your tormentor's brother are both there, thankfully by themselves. Their eyes widen a bit, seeing you come in, but at the same time, it's more of an intrigue, merely catching attention by the suddenness of someone coming through the door. But they don't look surprised to see you. As if both knew it was only a matter of time before you'd be walking through those doors one day.

You try to not overthink, and just speak. Be direct and blunt.

I can't take it anymore.

It all comes unraveling out of your mouth all at once. I can't do this. It's wearing me down. I'm going insane. I can barely breathe. You ramble for several minutes, telling them just how far it's all gone and how you're at the end of your patience.

They listen attentively. Almost too much so. Glance back at each other, then back to you.

You are prepared to go through with the cancellation policy, then?

You take a few moments to reply.

...Huh?

Mechanically, without any effort to look for it, the housewarden pulls the paper out in a matter of seconds. Sets it on the table, pushes it in your direction.

The cancellation policy. It was on the contract that you signed.

There's a rising dread in your stomach. You don't like the faux-pleasantness on his face, the way he intertwines his fingers and rests his head on top of the conjoined hands. You squint downward.

In very tiny print, towards the middle of the page, it reads that cancellation of the contract would require complete reimbursement of all your payments up to the point of cancellation, in addition to 20% interest on those funds.

At this point, that would be... you try to compute it in your head, but the multiplication quickly becomes too high of numbers for you to do without the aid of a calculator. And contractual issues where the agreed deals aren't met... you've heard nightmare tales about students getting into that situation. Worked to the bone.

Still, the first thing that comes out of your mouth is to ask Azul to do exactly that.

So you'll just make me work for you? I... I can do that. Just-- I'll do work for--

No need. I would merely use control over you to have you go back to doing the same as you've been anyway. He tilts his head. It's more of a matter of whether you'll do it of your own will, or by force. He points to a specific line. And even if you break it, you'll continue to accumulate debt per week. More so, even, see here?

A different line, that reads: post-cancellation, the interest on the remaining debt will increase by 50% per week.

That's 70% total interest... that's almost doubling the amount with each week, and even if you worked a full-time job, that would be...

There's a long silence. The look on your face tells them all that could need to be said.

That's insane. There's a strain in your voice. Desperation, panic. In your defense, it is insane. You'd never see something like that in the real world, it would be bordering on illegal. You also recall the first conversation you had with Jade, and turn back to him. You said it would be temporary.

He smiles as you again. I did believe so. It would seem you have managed to fulfill your role well enough that you have become an exception. Congratulations.

You eye twitches. In your panic, you start to raise your voice, lash out with desperation in your tone.

What happens when it ends, then? You want me to lie to him until I graduate?

Just as before, Jade is the one to reply, not missing a beat, replying in a flat tone, as if the matter is of no significance.

The contract states nothing about expiring upon graduation. Please do remember it is both magically and legally binding, thus--

The words come out of your mouth the moment he finishes speaking.

I can't do that.

You can't. You know you can't. You're already at your limit, you already feel like you're losing your mind.

It feels like your stomach has twisted into a knot. Those words come crashing down the hardest. You look up and down, up and down, back and forth between them and the paper. Of course, they knew you'd be likely to back out, and ensured you couldn't ahead of time. It's so, so obvious it was entirely planned to go over this way, and you feel so utterly stupid for falling for it, yet you can't help but also wonder--

Why...?

Your tone makes it clear what you're referring to. Jade tilts his head.

Surely you would understand wanting happiness for a close relative, yes?

Their smiles don't waver. It's infuriating, makes you want to reach out and claw at their faces, and frankly, you're almost at the point of losing control to refrain from exactly that.

You *did* choose to sign it. Don't tell me you didn't take the opportunity to read the thing in full? In truth, Azul's voice is possibly eve more infuriating, it's more blatantly smug and jeering. Your body is trembling with emotion as you look him in the eye before he continues. But have no worry... since you seem to be struggling, I can make it easier for you.

Your eyebrows furrow. Panic and dread makes you hostile, easily set off by his words. You narrow your eyes and you're just about to question his meaning, but the door opens behind you, and you all fall silent.

...Mm...? What are you doing here?

You twitch at the familiar voice. You slowly turn your head around.

There's a long quiet that settles over the room. You're pretty sure your facial expression must reveal your panic and dread, because Floyd sort of tilts his head. What's up with you...?

You're still at a loss, unable to form words. His brother, however, finds a quick excuse.

Ah, there you go, miss _____. Seems you won't be needing us to find him.

You stiffen, swallow, sputter your words, but you manage to get out something aligned with that. O-oh, yeah I was -- I had to get something from my room and uh, you weren't in the store by the time I got back and uh... I just...

You suppose that would make sense, if you were looking for him, this probably would be where you'd go.

Floyd seems to accept that without too much question, saying he was looking for you too. He seems a bit irritated, saying that he tried to call you but you didn't pick up, you claim your phone was on silent (it wasn't, but you quickly grab it and pretend to turn the volume up a bit before it can go off again and prove you were lying), and after he drops a stack of papers off on the desk, the two of you quickly make your way back out (rather, he grabs you by the wrist and starts dragging you out of the room). Azul mentions something about him coming in tomorrow for the weekend shift (met with a yeah, yeah, I know), but, as you turn your head back over your shoulder before the door closes behind you, glaring with venom in your gaze, you get two knowing, infuriatingly cocky smiles in return.

You barely register him talking as you're dragged along. I tried goin' back to the library too, you know, I walked around forever looking for you...

Ugh. Can't you let it go already? Or at least, that's what you think, what you want to say, but you clench your jaw and mutter out another half-hearted sorry.

If you chew him out, you'll be violating the agreement... and although you could express irritation just a bit as per the loose contractual terms, you're pretty sure if you even started, you wouldn't be able to stop the floodgates from opening and getting out everything you want to say to him... so it's easier to just try and swallow it and keep quiet. It does look like you'll be stuck with that contract... you try to not think about it. The shock of it all is still fresh in your mind. If you focus on it, you might just break down, and you can't have that right now.

You try and change the subject, even though you're still rather shaken up, but you really don't want to deal with him thinking something is wrong and getting upset over it.

You... you wanna work on that project now? We can go to the library.

He was the one who mentioned wanting to do it tonight, earlier that day. You figure you should reward that sentiment, as he's usually a very last-minute person in regards to classwork. You can stand to be generous and not try and redirect to another day (as suggesting and redirecting is your frequent substitution for outright refusal).

He shrugs.

Nah... don't wanna go that far. We're already here anyway, makes no sense to go all the way across campus. My room's right over that way.

You stiffen. You do not want to do that. You don't like the thought of being alone with him in his own space, especially as it's nearly evening by now. You're still filled with spite (and near disbelief) from your earlier conversation with the other two, and worn out to the point of exhaustion. Besides, you've really abided by the whole thing pretty well thus far, and since it's clear to you now that Jade would greatly prefer the contract stay non-violated, so... you remember how he did say, way back when you first signed the godforsaken thing, that you'd have some leeway, and you've gotten away with a few things thus far. Surely it's not going to break the whole contract if you just try to tell him no outright and entirely, just this once.

You open your mouth.

...

Nothing comes out.

And in that same moment, you reach the end of the hallway. To the left is the Octavinelle dorm rooms, to the right is the common outdoor area and, by extension, the exit.

Okay, it's that one over there. He points to a door down the hall and turns.

Your feet, against your own will, before he can even pull you along, go left.

The sudden bizarre act makes panic burst through your chest, your body feels as if electrified. Your eyes widen, but you can't stop moving forward. You stumble, but carry on all the same.

Your mind races and races and your feet keep moving, you're trying to mask the bewilderment on your face and then it hits you. Those golden contracts...

'I can make it easier for you.'

The words run through your mind, each one like a heavy beat in your chest. It makes sense. Even if it's not using his signature spell, there's no reason he wouldn't be able to bind within the contract other sealing forms of magic, too, removing a specific voluntary capability, and waiting to activate it whenever it was needed.

He took away your ability to be defiant.

It feels as if there's a weight of ice in your chest. Cold and heavy. Dread bubbles up in your gut as the door opens. Floyd grabs you by the wrist to pull you in.

The room is almost comical to look at -- one side pristine and neat, everything in perfect order... the other messy, stuff strewn about everywhere, bed unmade, clothes laying over the back of the desk chair, trash can full and surrounded by papers crumpled into balls, shelves lined with open bags of junk food. You have no trouble guessing which side is which. He off-handedly mentions that Jade is staying with someone else overnight. How convenient.

There's a heavy, awkward silence. You ask about the materials for the initial paperwork you'll have to create as a formulaic model for the project.

Yeah, I got it.

After pulling the covers up, he sits on the bed, lazily fetching the textbook out. You don't protest that (after all, he only has the one desk chair in the tiny dorm room, and the floor looks kinda disgusting), and you slowly sit down on the other side - facing him so you're apart, not sitting side by side, keeping your distance.

To fill the silence, you start to talk about the whole thing. There's a growing nervousness in your chest, a sense of dread. He doesn't seem very focused on the material -- well, he never does, but even less so than usual. You get the sense he has no intention to really work on it at all. He makes some progress, by filling out a couple of tasks you assign as you go, but the planning for the project carries on for maybe only ten minutes before Floyd seems to reach the end of his patience, shuts the textbook, sets it all down on the floor and declares that you're now taking a break.

Before you can even question, he leans forward. His hands grab your sides. He pulls your frozen stiff body over towards him, with a sort of roughness out of impatience. As grabby as he is, you've never been like this before, back pressed to his chest. Both of your legs sprawl out against each other, his extending beyond yours.

More importantly, you can feel a stiffness digging into your tailbone.

A few more moments pass in quiet.

....

...What now? He's not sure. Is there a certain way you're supposed to start? The obvious steps have been taken... meh. No point in worrying about it. Even if there is a different way you're supposed to do this, you won't mind. Probably.

You stiffen. But, even though your mind commands your body to do reach up and grab his hands, your arms won't move. They stay limp at your sides. Your legs won't move to scramble up and away from him. Your mouth can't form the word stop. You stammer out something else you can manage, a quick plea to h-hold on, wait... what are...?

He rests his chin on your shoulder. Eh... It's normal to do stuff like this at this point, you know... 's been months.

He says it in a whiny tone of voice. Like it's a source of frustration. Like you're doing some misdeed by having taken so long already, like it's something he's owed that he's been unnecessarily patient to wait for. You suppose that probably is how he sees it.

That's when his earlier conclusion clicks with you. The pieces sort of align on their own in your mind. That he likes you - yeah, you gathered that at this point. That's become outright obvious. But this entire time - this entire time - he has apparently been under the belief that you have, despite never establishing such, been in an actual relationship.

And you, you might as well be stuck. You open your mouth again, but whatever you were instinctively about to say must have fallen under the realm of being too defiant. You can squirm and sort of try to pull away, so you know there must be a line drawn somewhere on what you can do, but your body won't allow you to push him back, to stand up, to try and fully move away. You can only writhe around just enough as would be normal for this sort of situation in a consensual context.

His movements are awkward. You can tell he has no idea what he's doing. He's just sort of operating on a mentally crafted step-by-step tutorial based on his average knowledge compiled from socialization and movies and exposure to erotic content.

Since that seems to be necessary first... you're almost a bit surprised, caught off-guard by it, but he awkwardly grabs the back of your head, turns your head towards him, cranes his neck forward, presses your mouths together. It's uncomfortable and clueless, your teeth clack against each other's and the angle is a bit off, so your jaws bump against each other too. Not that he really seems to notice, or maybe just doesn't care too much. It only lasts for a few moments before you're roughly thrown down flat on your back. Your arms get entangled and you accidentally elbow him as you try to shift around.

Still, albeit awkward, he's not hesitant or reluctant, not like the type of guy who jolts at every movement you make out of nervousness and constantly asks if it's okay, no, not like that at all. Whatever nervousness he has is still minimal compared to the average guy, he's more apathetic to your discomfort and far more easily overridden by impulse. In fact, the fact that he has no idea what he's doing makes it infinitely worse. He pushes your legs back way too far, to the point of pain, awkwardly angled. Gawks at the space between your legs like it's mesmerizing, using his thumbs to harshly spread you apart, without considering the discomfort it causes you, not relenting when the pulling sensation makes you inhale a sharp breath.

He doesn't take time to be slow, to savor the moment or anything, just pushes in way too quickly, basically grabbing your hips and jerks his own forward in one quick movement. The first few movements in and out are also awkward and oddly angled, but he seems to get adjusted quickly.

More importantly, the moment he does get adjusted, completely out of the blue and without hesitation, he leans down, opens his mouth, and sinks his teeth into your neck.

Given the razor-sharp teeth he has, it immediately punctures the flesh, and you squeal and thrash at the pain. Even as he lets go, there's a strong stinging in each of the tiny wounds, a ring of pain in the perfectly-spaced bite pattern left behind.

Heheh...

You look up at him as he chuckles, your vision blurred by tears, but even so, you can see the amusement on his face... and your blood on his teeth as he smiles.

It's really nice when you make that sound.

He pauses to swipe his tongue across his teeth, and swallows before adding,

Do it again.

He lowers his head and for a moment you panic at the thought of another bite... this time, thankfully, he just laps his tongue at the wounds, but the sting makes you squeal again all the same. Your legs thrash and kick in the air, you try and squeeze them shut, but that just makes them wrap around his torso. Your insides clamp down on the intrusion inside you.

You don't get bitten again, thankfully, but he continues to lap at the bite the whole time. It's a constant mix of pleasure and pain, both to your poor abused neck as well as your insides. You'd be lying if you said you didn't find yourself making some involuntary noises of pleasure, that you didn't wrap your arms around him and claw at his back... but you also squeal and whimper and shudder, tears fall from your eyes. He doesn't slow down, regardless, seemingly too lost in the feeling to really notice.

On the bright side, it doesn't take very long. You suppose that's expected, given his age and apparent experience level. In the end, you find yourself laying there, staring up at the ceiling, replaying the events of the past few hours, the past few weeks, rethinking your entire series of choices that led up to this point... wishing every possible curse and misfortune upon the other two mer that you can think of. You can't get them out of your mind either, and your face feels hot when you think about the fact that, given the absence of Jade in his own room at night, they both probably know exactly what's been transpiring here. It makes you grind your teeth, curl your hands into fists.

But a hand waving in front of your face draws you out of your thoughts. Something is presented in front of you, placed into your hand.

You gotta swallow one of these... don't have money for a kid yet.

Ah. So that's why he went to the school pharmacy. You feel irritation bubble up when you remember you're absolutely certain that...

Don't they sell condoms too?

He nods. Yeah. But everyone says that those don't feel good, so I didn't get any.

You bite your tongue.

Of course, him buying that also confirms he already planned this out well ahead of time. Not that that really strikes you as a surprise. You just feel numb.

In your misery, laying there, you tell yourself one thing, one small comfort to take solace in: at least this is rock bottom. It really can't get any worse from here.

But, well, at this point, you're pretty sure you upset the will of the universe or something, because it seems to want to prove you wrong.

Something about that night seems to sort of jump-start him. Like pouring raw gasoline on a weak flame and watching it flare up.

Your life changes further still, after that night. Before, you at the very least had the solace of solitude at the end of each day, the comfort of being able to return to your own room, your own living space, eat and bathe and sleep by yourself, a sort of retreat from the otherwise omnipresent menace in your life, a brief reprieve to collect yourself and prepare to face the next day with him all over again.

Now, you don't even get that. You thought maybe it would be occasional that he'd want to stay with you, or at least you hoped, but no. Rather than a slow progression, from that first time onward, he sees it as the natural progression of things that you should now immediately begin spending every single night together. You feel a part of you die inside when he asks you at the end of the school day, do you wanna stay in my place again, or yours? I wanna see your place too...

You finally oblige, which turns out to be much to your annoyance. He wanders all around your dorm room, nosily asking about or looking through every little thing. In the end, though, he prefers you stay in his place. All his stuff is there, you know, more convenient (he says this, but somehow it fails to occur to him that the inverse is probably true for you, or maybe he just doesn't care). Still, seeing as you live by yourself and he does not, you end up spending more nights in your room anyway.

He becomes, to an unprecedented degree, jealous of anything you spend your time doing that doesn't involve him. He more or less pressures you into quitting the club you were involved in. It's at a really bad time and all... and it's not even a useful thing anyway, and I don't know any of those people there, they could be bad, you know... If necessary to deter you to quit, he even goes so far as to imply you're not good at it, and therefore should do something else! You know, something that can be done sitting at the side of the gym while he finishes up his club activities, within his range of sight. He usually leaves the basketball club early these days anyway, wandering off after remembering you're over there and consequently getting his mind to racing and leading him to think about far more fun things that he could be doing if he were with you in his room instead.

Then, it's not just your former club members, but anyone you text or call. He hates you getting phone calls. At least with texting, he can ask questions, but on a phone call, what, you're telling him he's supposed to just sit there and stay quiet? Ugh. Even then, he's usually tugging on your arm after the first few minutes, giving you a pouty expression of frustration so you try to hang up faster, and, if it goes on for longer than three or so minutes, he'll just start blatantly taking over you to whine that you're taking too long.

He doesn't like you eating without him, or taking showers without him either. He's seen enough movies and observed enough couples to know that you're supposed to do those together, right? So, on the occasion that he's busy with work, be sure not to do either or those without him. He'll just make you take a second shower with him again anyway, if you take one by yourself.

Thus, your only reprieve now is the classes you don't have with him. From the moment you wake up, all the classes you have with each other, your breaks, your lunch, your afternoons, your dinners, your evenings, your nights, your sleep, every single second besides that time is completely consumed by Floyd. Your grades take a steep decline; they already had begun to slightly, but now, he gets annoyed whenever you study for more than a few minutes, and insists it's not that important, that you're never gonna use the information anyway, so you should just put that book down and come play a game or get in bed with him instead. That's way more fun. At first it's merely a whine, but if you should insist, his expression gets darker, his tone deeper, as he tells you a second time to stop being annoying and come do something with him NOW. Of course, if you oblige, he can snap right back to a good mood, though.

You don't spend time with others either. You lose contact with most of your friends. You off-handedly mentioned trying to hang out with them, that he could come to, but he always manages to say nah, I don't feel like it in such a tone that communicates what he really means: that he doesn't like you having people you're so close to, that he doesn't want you to like them more than you do him, that he doesn't like how happy you seem with them... but hey, you can still hang out every day at the Mostro Lounge. He lets you sit there while he works, you even are allowed to get a drink a day for free (a generous offer considering the owner's stingy tendencies), and you can do your studying there too before going home for the day.

He tries to get you to interact with Jade and Azul a bit, since they're the only people he trusts with you, but for whatever reason, you're very quiet whenever he brings you around them, and more or less refuse to directly speak to the other two. The three of you besides him tend to exchange these odd glances where you look really upset about something, but thankfully they don't seem bothered. Maybe you're really nervous around new people or something. You'll probably get used to it with time.

He takes some offense to you doing things without him. He has to know whatever is on the screen of your phone or laptop, has to know who you're texting, even has to attend as a very awkward third party whenever you get a partnered project in a different class, where he essentially stands there with an intimidating stare like sort of vigilant watchdog (watcheel?) to ensure... whatever it is he's trying to ensure. As if he thinks the other guy is going to try something with you in the middle of the public courtyard in broad daylight.

Which is a ridiculous notion on its own, but especially seeing as, by this point, people have started talking... it's not as if everyone hasn't noticed the way he's attached to you like glue, and a lot of people witnessed that time he dumped the guy out of the chair next to you in class. If his reputation wasn't already enough that people are intimidated by him, the way he supposedly menacingly stares at everyone that comes up to you quickly becomes well-known. You once even overheard a guy mutter something to another about how he hoped he didn't get partnered with you in class, or else, in his words, Leech might strangle me to death. You also notice that, whenever you're allowed to pick partners even for in-class work, people seem to avoid you like the plague, until the last person left reluctantly has to work with you. People even wave and say hi to you less often than ever, as if by doing so they risk some sort of consequence. People regard you only with nervous glances and a wide berth. It only adds to your feeling of isolation.

You don't get to go anywhere alone by choice either. Sometimes you try. I'm going to the store, I'm gonna go to the mail center real quick, I have to go drop this paper off... Regardless of what it is, he never takes a hint, always just gets up and comes with you, often whining about the matter, as if you're forcing him to go, when in reality you'd give anything just to have five minutes of fresh air to yourself before having to come back to the room, where you'd inevitably be tormented and toyed with for hours on end anyway.

In regards to that... even though he doesn't last very long, he has a lot of stamina, so it's not long before you just go at it again anyhow. You quickly learn that he likes to bite, it's not just a one-time thing. You're covered in tiny little dots, all around your neck, jugular, and collarbones. Even if the uniform allowed for it, you don't own enough turtlenecks to deal with covering it... he likes the look of it, though. You were able to plead against it (you've learned creative ways of asking for things, in this case making comments about how people will see), but he doesn't seem to mind. It's fine if people see, he says, as if whether or not he cares is the issue, not your feelings on it. He doesn't see a reason to have a problem with it. People know about you both, right? So if they see you're all bitten up, they'll just know he did it. The apathy in his tone makes it clear you won't be convincing him not to.

Likewise, especially without being able to outright refuse, you can't deter him from other behaviors you'd prefer he not take either, namely trying to sneak around in public. More than once, as the bells ring and you tell him you're about to be late, seeing that the rest of the students have already begun the clear the halls, he'll grab you by the arm. Eh... we can miss it today. Pulls you into a bathroom or an empty classroom or any other quiet place void of students. Some days he's content with just using your hands on each other, but sometimes, he'll turn you around and push you to lean your upper half against the wall, and shoves himself inside you right then and there. In the library, tucked away in the far empty corners, sometimes in exchange for agreeing to actually study, he'll just have you sit on his lap the whole time... sheathed inside you all the while. He seems far less concerned than you about the risk of people walking by as you are. In fact, it becomes very clear he finds your worry about that to be amusing.

He gets off to you squirming, too. It doesn't even need to be in intercourse either. He can (and not infrequently does) just have you sit in his lap, back pressed to his chest, legs pulled apart and arms held behind your back. He likes to pinch and pull and tweak and squeeze at your nipples, your clit. Just for fun. Sometimes when you're not expecting it at all, too, it'll be fairly gentle (to the extent he can be, so more like harsh movements, just no deliberate acts of pain just yet), and you'll be thinking maybe this time you can finally get a day in where you just do things the normal way before you squeal at the sudden sharp pinch of pain that makes your body jolt.

You suppose it's some sort of predator impulse, like a fish struggling in the maw of the moray. The mer likely retain some of that, or such is your reasoning. That's why, whenever you tense up and squeal and shudder and squirm and pull your hips away, his body seems to react as if having pulled some sort of trigger. Latching his arms around you more fully, squeezing your body tight, so so so tight you can't breathe. Each little sound you make makes him move harder and faster, the faint sting of skin slapping against skin growing stronger and the sound of it growing louder as well. It always leaves you sore inside. You always tell yourself to remain still, try not to squirm around, but you really can't help it, your body naturally reacts to the slamming, blunt pain on your insides whenever he moves. That part isn't a matter of intentionally causing pain, he just... doesn't really know how to be gentle. Just shoves himself inside of you and jerks his hips, which is often a stinging friction when it's so sudden, and his cock matches his body -- that is, long -- and thereby pushes so deep inside it hits spots that send sparks of pain down your spine as well. The squirming is really involuntary, then, but when you squirm, it just makes him go harder, and the cycle continues until you're lying there spent and sore, his arms wrapped around your body to hold you firmly in place.

His arms are always locked onto you, both during and after, and often times whenever you're just sitting around the room as well. And especially when you sleep, he latches on tight, a grip like iron as pulls you in and locks your bodies together. You're not sure why he does it so much, but it often inhibits you from moving, and gets annoying fast. You chalk it up to being another mer tendency. His fingers tend to curl too, though, and his nails dig into your arms and stomach and back wherever he's holding you, so you have to wake him up to get it to relent, if but for a short time.

He likes to use his fingers a lot, actually. There's a lot of casual sexual activity with him, where you'll be sitting doing something else, watching a movie, studying, anything... but he feels the need to have you sitting on his lap, with his fingers either playing with your body, buried inside one or more of your holes, or both. He really likes trying to get you to squirt, it's something of a sport for him, like he's always trying to make you do so harder than last time.

Heh... look, it shot out all over the place.

He's shameless about it. And gross, at least in your opinion, because he has this penchant for consuming, too. Whenever he pulls his fingers out, all coated in slick, he has absolutely no hesitation before popping them into his mouth, seems to genuinely savor licking it all off. Sometimes he prefers to just sort of kneel down (of shuffle downwards if you're laying down), and shove his face against your quim instead, sucking at the fluid directly (while it would be an enjoyable sensation with almost anyone else, you can't help but always get a spike of panic in your chest whenever you think about those teeth of his getting so close to such sensitive parts). He makes sure to leave a bite on the inside of your thigh occasionally, too. Even if your body reflexively tries to maneuver to angle yourself away from his mouth (to the extent that you can manage to do, as you can't fully pull away due to your spellbound state), his hands will reach out, latch onto your hips, fingernails like needles against your flesh, and pull you back with an aggressive firmness.

It never lasts, though. In terms of sex, he always has a selfish streak to him, never does anything just for your sake. So even then, after tonguing you for some time, he still always, always, always has to have his cock in you too, by the end of it, often abruptly stopping out of sudden impatience and flipping you over onto your stomach and get inside you... it's easier to grab onto and control your body in that position.

You did get him to wear a condom once too... for all of about eight seconds before he shoved himself inside you, hesitated a moment before pulling back out and tearing it off before shoving back inside you again. No way. Just take the pill thing instead. You remind yourself to try and find some other birth control measures in the near future.

In fact, you once thought that maybe you could go to the school's pharmacy by yourself, in what turned out to be one of your biggest occurrences of regret since meeting him. In the past, before you ever became... that close, before he really started taking over your life, you would sometimes do things on your own, right? You would often skirt the contractual circumstances of not needlessly avoiding him by instead waiting to accomplish things you needed to get done, during times he'd be looking for you... sure, he'd usually be whiny and gripe about how he couldn't find you, but it was bearable. So, one day, as you sit at the lounge in the afternoon, after taking a look around to ensure the coast is clear, you vacate your usual seat, quietly making your way out the door and down to the school pharmacy. You put your phone on silent, out of some combination of spite and wanting to enjoy your brief outing without interruption, even if he gets grouchy about it. With any luck, if you're only gone less than a half hour or so, he might not even notice before you get back. Besides, he was upset when you left that time you went to talk to Jade and Azul, but he wasn't too upset... although it's been a while since then, and he's even more attached now... still.

Walking around by yourself almost feels foreign, it's been so long. But it feels wonderful, such a relief to not have to entertain conversation or worry about not paying enough attention to the thorn in your side. You go in, grab a few things (might as well try all those contraceptive methods they have). The employees are thankfully licenced older adults, not your peers, which would be far more awkward... and hey, might as well hit the primary school store while you're right there at it. You try to be conscious of the time, but still linger... it won't hurt. You won't be gone long. The store sells that one junk food you're really fond of and haven't had in a long time... oh, they have a lot of it in stock, too. You get a few packages, check out, turn to walk out the door and make your way back.

You pause to grab some of the pieces out of the packaging and pop them into your mouth. Your head is downturned when everything in your field of vision gets darker. Shadow from something behind you. You go stiff. You feel a sense of dread as you slowly turn your head. You force a smile, but it twitches.

...O-oh, I was about to head back to you... did you... need something...?

He doesn't look mad. But that's what makes it more terrifying. If he's irked, it'll show on his face, he'll get that whiny voice and complain and pout. But his face is blank, wide-eyed, staring intently at you, quiet.

I tried calling you.

You don't like the tone of his voice, either. Cold and ominous. Not fumingly angry or irritated, but that much more dreadful due to the lack of intense emotion.

Oh, uh, sorry about--

You didn't say anything.

Well, I-I, I was just going to the--

I looked around for you everywhere.

Your heart starts to beat faster. You've never seen him quite like this, not towards you. You take a step back. I'm sorry, really. Let's... let's go back now, okay?

...No, I already told 'em I was leaving... I'm done for the day.

He grabs your wrist and pulls with harsh force, dragging you across the campus grounds. You stumble, you nearly drop your things. His grip is so tight it's painful. Even some other people turn their heads to stare, it must be that noticeable. You don't like how quiet he is, saying nothing the entire time. Through the courtyard, as you enter the dorm grounds, into the halls, all the way back to the room, he doesn't say a word. Drags you through the door, locks it behind him, pulls you over to the bed and slings you by the arm with such force it knocks the breath out of you as you hit the bed. You don't get to fully sit upright before the mattress shifts again, and he comes to sit behind you, roughly pulling you to sit on the bed with your back to his chest, which is, as you've come to learn, his preferred position when doing most things.

And as usual, he wraps his arms around your body. Without a word.

Tightly.

His forearms cross over your chest, fully wrapping around your frame. The hold gets tighter.

And tighter. And tighter. You sit quietly for a few minutes, stiff with dread and unease at his unsettling lack of words or any outward display of emotion. You're unsure if you should say anything. Maybe he's waiting for you to say something? But even though you're uneasy, you wouldn't know what to tell him, and you're certainly not about to apologize for doing something so normal, something you should be allowed to do without needing him to even be told.

But his grip gets tighter. It starts to hurt. It's compressing your ribs.

You start to panic. Hey, can you not grip so hard? It's... kinda hard to breathe...

He doesn't say anything. A few moments pass.

It gets tighter.

F-Floyd, you're -- you're hurting me--

Tighter, tighter. You can barely breathe. You start to thrash.

Floyd, I -- s-stop--

You feel trembling. It takes you a few moments to realize it's not from your body, but his. Holding you so tight, with such strain to his muscles, it makes him shiver.

He finally speaks. Uses that little nickname you hate so much. His voice is hoarse and quiet, almost a whisper, and hollow, without emotion. As if speaking of something of no consequence.

...I was really worried, you know. Thought maybe you were tired of me... and decided to go to someone else instead.

You shake your head. You sputter out something about how that's wrong, that you wouldn't do that. You don't even really process the words you say, just desperately try to placate.

His grip doesn't relent just yet.

...Hey, you like me, right? And not anyone else?

You nod frantically. Your chest convulses as you try and fail to breathe. You're beginning to feel tingly all over, your head feels light.

So... you're not gonna do that again, right?

You frantically nod, but the motion comes out slower than you intend, as you struggle to move.

...Mm... okay.

You gasp in what might be the biggest gulp of air you've taken in your life as the grip goes lax. You start to hack and cough. He hands you a bottle of water. How considerate.

And then, it's as if nothing happened. He's smiling, says something about how you look really funny, swaying and dizzy like that. Upbeat and pleasant again. But he's really tired from worrying so much, so, he drags you down to lay on your side and declares you'll both nap for a while. He falls asleep quickly, but you're in too much pain from your throbbing stomach and ribcage to sleep... and you're very uneasy having his arm wrapped around you again. You don't sleep much that night at all.

You make good on your word, though, and don't have a repeat incident. From his point of view, even in general, you're really easy to get along with, and he's glad you're super agreeable. Who knew having a girlfriend was so easy? It's very nice. You never reject anything he says, at least not more than once, you always agree after he insists on something. If he suggests you go somewhere, you always say sure. And if he says he's bored and wants to do this or that, you always drop whatever you're doing and follow along. And if he tells you to not talk to someone, to cancel some other plans, to skip class and stay in bed, you never even argue, you just say alright. Sometimes your eyes widen, sometimes your face twitches or your hand will fly up to cover your mouth, sometimes you even answer through gritted teeth and a strained voice, as if trying to not say anything... and you get this weird expression on your face for a moment... but you're still always agreeing, so, he just decides to think nothing of that.

You used to not be quite as agreeable, but these days, you never argue, you always do whatever he wants. It's like a dream come true.

And he's really, genuinely happy. Even other people comment on it, say he's matured a lot and stuff like that, because he's not as moody as he used to be... well, not to them, at least not as often. He's a bit more laid back on some things... although if it involves you, he can still return to his habits, but people have sort of learned that, and consequently learned to avoid upsetting him in regards to you. If you yourself upset him, he can still flip like a light switch, but you don't seem to mind that. Sure, there's been a couple times you've tried to bring it up, but the moment he says anything in return to argue against it, your mouth twitches, you suddenly agree with him and stop saying mean stuff. Maybe you just want attention and pretend to be upset or something. Regardless, he doesn't really care too much... his life is in a state of bliss, and that's enough for him.

Other people are quite happy you've "helped him calm down" too. People seem pretty happy for the two of you in general, say it's an odd fit, but it's cute, and stuff like that.

...And sometimes, whenever you're sitting in class, sitting in the Mostro Lounge, in the library, walking across campus, anywhere... you'll see a familiar face from across the room, near identical to the face you spend nearly every waking second of your life around. He doesn't even bother to pretend to not be looking, doesn't look away when you make eye contact, but instead always continues to observe, and flashes you a knowing, sinister smile. Just checking up on you every now and then and all... and to serve as a reminder to behave according to your agreement.

You do you best to give the most loathsome look of disgust you can muster in return. It's really all you can do.

[skullchicken]

I've been doin skirt math

Or: how to seriously overthink a piece of cloth.

I have complained repeatedly about how the Venn diagram between goth fashion and fair trade/sustainable fashion mostly(1) being two circles which are not touching. But recently-ish I've gotten into sewing and I decided that I will finally take my destiny into my own hands.

I want to make a handkerchief skirt!

It's litcherally just two squares on top of each other with a round hole in it.

How hard could it be?

(1) = I'm sure there must be some, but they are few and far between. I am exaggerating for comedic effect.

Measuring!

I decide to make my skirt roughly 40-60 cm long, starting from my midriff, meaning the distance between the middle and the sides is 40 cm and from the middle to the corners is 60 cm.

Finished, it might look something like this:

Behold, a rough rendering of the skullchicken's physical form.

Also: did you spot my first logical mistake in planning the cloth? :)

2. Planning

I plan out my pieces on a 150 cm/150 cm square, feeling real clever for dividing the second square like that. The diagonal rectangles are for the opening of the skirt and the long rectangle on the side for the tying band. I even have space for pockets! Amazing!

It's only when I want to draw in where I'll put the pockets in, do I realize that, uh, there isn't any space for them.

Cause you see, if you make a square with a hole in the middle, that means there will be a hole in the middle to subtract from your ultimate skirt length!

... my skirts a mini-skirt :c

Okay, back to the drawing board.

3. Measuring, again.

Alright! So I can fit it tightly on a 150 x 150 without the pockets and if I do some trickery with the opening, I miiiight get it all in - ah fuck, forgot about the tying band.

I could just do a 150 cm x 200 cm, but that would net me 50 euro just for the raw materials and a lot of leftovers.

I mean, I guess, but... yeesh.

4. Panels, maybe?

So I figure, hey, how about I try to take out some of the circumference and just sew it out of panels? Let's do a quick sketch on a paper towel and tape it together:

Lookin mighty cute, saltshaker.

The proof of concept works. Sadly though:

It doesn't save enough cloth to get us back to a 150 cm x 150 cm piece. Darn.

And then it hits me.

5. who needs a hole anyways?

If you think about it, the problem is the hole in the middle. But if you're putting on, say, a cloth with a slit as an opening, it would automatically become a round hole around your hip/midriff.

With a circle skirt, this would be a problem, since the resulting skirt would turn elliptical and crunch up weirdly.

... but a handkerchief-skirt already does that, kinda.

Hmm... not sure if it shakes out.

Pun aside: I'm not sure if I like this, since I can't quite tell if it'll look good when made of cotton instead of a literal handkerchief. It'll probably look symmetrical enough. I'll just have to use rectangles to keep the original measurements of 60 cm at the longest and 40 cm at the shortest.

I will however consult my mom about this, because I have learned that if there seems to be a really neat solution to a problem that no-one uses, that tends to mean there's a good reason not to use it.

... nevermind that I still can't get back to the 150 cm x 150 cm.

I might just have to die one of two deaths (pricey skirt or slightly less pricey shorter skirt *sigh*)

But in any case I feel I have learned a lot, so that's also valuable.

[the-not-so-dark-age]

"If you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you"

CW: spoilers for ch. 236, 237 and S2 - Shibuya arc

Heaven/hell, enlightenment/darkness, life/death, good/evil, blue/red contrasts that all represent the contrast between Gojo/Geto that's been going on since the start of this season; but these images are interesting for one more reason imo.

It's as if Gojo is staring into Geto/Kenjaku's red soul, while also staring into the empty black hole that is himself - and Geto/Kenjaku is doing the same: staring into Gojo's eye, but empty darkness stares back at him. They look into their own reflections, but they only see an abyss staring back at them.

And this made me realise how similar Gojo and Kenjaku can actually be, because: who are they?

"Are you Gojo Satoru because you are the strongest or are you the strongest because you are Gojo Satoru?"

And, again:

"Who is Gojo Satoru?"

Gojo's curse (and ultimately what may have really brought him to his death), is the fact he never managed to find a definitive answer to Geto's terribly haunting questions: Gojo never created his own sense of self beyond being The Strongest Sorcerer and that's what always kept a certain degree of distance between him and the other people (even if he cared about them, and I'm not doubting this at all); Gojo remained as untouchable and unreachable inside his Infinite Void of loneliness, and he died alone on the battlefield just as he lived alone, being watched from afar by other "normal" sorcerers. The only real connection peer to peer he ever made was with Geto when they were still on the same level, and he kept that connection even after Geto's homicidal turn and death, and that's why Geto is so special to him, as he was the only one to breach through the barrier around Gojo and to eventually expose how Gojo always risked to be a sort of empty shell, an abyss, under the layers of strenght - and it seems Geto was right.

So now I'm asking: who is Kenjaku?

He too doesn't seem to have a real bond (aside from the old friendship with Tengen...which needs more explanation) a real partner he cares about genuinely, only ever using the temporary allies he makes (like Mahito&Co); not even Sukuna looks like this to me, since he regards Uraume as a valuable ally, even if far below his strenght level. Kenjaku kept changing bodies for centuries, living so many different lives while also keeping his own very specific personality and his very clear goal of human forced evolution...so it seems he's not an empty abyss like Gojo.

But who's beneath all of that?

If you take away the weird brain-exchanging technique, which is Kenjaku's strenght just like the Six Eyes+Limitless were to Gojo, what is left?

Is Kenjaku a real soul or the product of all those endless souls he got to know, see, appropriate, use during his very long life? What if by merging with the (apparently) only friend he has, Tengen, to then merge with humanity to force its evolution, he actually wants to experience the feeling of not being alone? (it would be a sort of Evangelion ending lol)

Gojo wore the mask of The Strongest, The Chosen One, The Honoured One for his whole life (except for the spring of his youth spent with Geto - and when he goes south, when he dies, he goes back to that time when he really felt he was someone), but there was nothing under the mask; so what if under all of these lives, these bodies which are masks too, Kenjaku is another empty, dark abyss? What if it could lead to his downfall, just like it did for Gojo?

One more thing: in ch 236, Gojo basically says he wasn't satisfied because Geto wasn't there with him too, meaning he still felt alone even in the company of his students and other allied sorcerers. I think another way to express this concept is to say Gojo's only regret is that he was alone, without Geto. Gojo regretted not having Geto, who was a symbol of a happier time outside that abyss of loneliness, but now they're together and Gojo has gone back to his old happier self.

And Kenjaku too speaks of regret, as he talks about not remembering anymore what even is regret...is he so deeply buried under all the masks he wore in his long life, he doesn't remember anymore what regret and loneliness are?

Is there a way to "go south" for Kenjaku? Is there even a south (and old self) he can go back to?

And the theme of identity, of being someone beyond mere strenght is brought into the story again by Kashimo basically asking Sukuna the same thing Geto asked Gojo in Shinjuku (even though Kashimo feels more like Sukuna, alone at the pinnacle of strenght, contrary to Geto who felt as if he was watching Gojo, the strongest alone, from below).

I'm very curious to see what these two characters will do in the next chapters, and if finding "love" will mean abandoning the status of The Strongest Alone for Sukuna, and a potential defeat, and maybe even "going south" (that little drop of possible Sukuna backstory ... Akutami feed us!!!)

[sillyfairygarden]

some thoughts ive been having about death as a game function and how death exists in mcrp (specifically the traffic series):

i find in minecraft-storytelling, something i’ve taken to incorporating is the concept of player death (or, for simplicity’s sake, we'll just use Death) as more than a gameplay mechanism, but a tangible part of the game and something uniquely personified by the game’s structure.

in classic minecraft, Death is your only obstacle. all of the game’s antagonistic pressure points in this direction—starvation, death, fall damage, mobs—but you can never beat Death. you can’t ever not die. you can evade if, you can ward yourself against it, you can conquer the game, but every minute you spend in a game of minecraft, regardless of the difficulty, environment, server, playstyle… etc is running from Death.

and i think Death isn’t explicitly an antagonist, like an achievement, because you can’t ever really best Death. you can slay ever mob boss, you can get totems, you can have the most stacked armour… but you can still die. in normal, this death can cost you valuable time, items, accomplishments, and can set you back hours in whatever progress you’re trying to make (dying puts you back where you started, a punishment) Death is an antagonistic force, but not The antagonist. Death is opposition in your game. Death is every obstacle you face while trying to survive. Everything in the game that serves to stand in your way all bring you to Death, and your task as the player is to avoid/overcome their attempts.

however…in hardcore/ limited lifestyle servers (now we can enter the Traffic series into this discussion), Death is merciless. While in normal SMPs and single player Death is only an obstacle, in hardcore/set life servers it serves a punishing narrative element as well. there’s that sprinkle of realism (the idea of permadeath, which makes Death much more dangerous to the player) and the fact that Death is truly inescapable. You can die over and over in a normal world (on a casual SMP with your friends, or a server like Hermitcraft) and recover whatever you’ve lost: the punishment is inconvenience. but in hardcore/the Traffic series? Death is inevitable. the only thing between the player and Death is their actions, counting down. Death is the enemy of players, and Death always wins in the end.

and i think that concept, of Death as a narrative inevitability, is what makes the Traffic series game play so intense to watch. you know it’s coming. and each player death means something different. green death? could be an accident. the world operating as it does. clumsiness, or naiveté. yellow death? better watch out, you’re no longer safe. if you weren’t taking it seriously, then you better start now. a red death? now there’s desperation. the end of the thread. every mistake ever made stares you back in the face, and Death finally takes what is rightfully hers.

continuing with the Traffic series, i also think there’s a beautiful poetic element to the way death messages in minecraft serve this ideology as well. it’s sort of hunger games-esque, when the canons blast and the tribute’s faces are blasted into the sky. it plays into the spectacle. while the players in the Traffic series don’t often use the chat to communicate long-distance (it’s a wonderful way to avoid too much character omnipotence), this doesn’t apply to death messages. everyone sees and reacts to death messages. isn’t that part of the thrill? the fear? realizing the people around you are just as fallible as you. that at the end of it all, everyone’s paths converge. they converge at Death. the game’s omniscient dialogue conveys who’s out for violence, who’s fighting who, betrayal and blood. i think the death message mechanic serves a practical (and sometimes comedic) effect in the game, but in the translation of minecraft The Sandbox Game to minecraft The Platform To Tell A Story, their symbolism fascinates me.

joined in that with the Traffic series is the coloured name system. i love this feature. it shows you at a glance the relationship each player has with Death. for ex: scar becoming a red-life so early on in 3L is a direct factor the menacing quality he takes on in other player’s perspectives. it adds an ounce of intensity to everything he says, does, or even moves towards. it becomes impossible to read him as anything other than bloodthirsty—it gives him an edge just as much as it isolates him. a red-life has so much to lose, and it makes their actions both cautious and desperate—leading to a reckless violence that infects everything they do from that point on.

additionally (and we’re leaving the Traffic series stratosphere for a moment), i think death in the context of greek mythology has always really, really fascinated me. there’s moving parts to this: the three fates, weaving every story’s demise before they can even start, predetermining the end before the beginning. it’s the classic grecian tragedy: the beginning and the end understand each other, and the audience is only there to watch the dominoes collapse into place. then, there’s psychopomps—the grim reapers, those who ferry the souls to the other side, where they await their boat ride to the halls of Hades and judgement. Thanatos (death itself) is the most common psychopomp, but across myths and translations they can be found in so many other gods, nymphs and immortal beings, animals, mythological creatures, and more. these are the spectators of all human life, those who carry the dead across the threshold and into nothingness, or into rebirth. it’s something deeply fascinating to me.

i haven’t played many other sandbox games to the extent that i’ve played minecraft: but as i’ve continued to learn about this game through playing it, watching others play, and really immersing myself in the possibility of minecraft as a storytelling vessel, everything feels a bit more intentional. and as a result the mechanism of death, or Death as a sentient, omnipotent force, is standing behind the player from the first day they spawn into a new world, vulnerable and soft-skinned, to the last time they ever log on, no matter how far the journey has taken them.

a quick side-note about creative mode: i’ve taken to wondering how creative mode applies to this model of Death and minecraft as a symbiotic pair. my first thought is immortality, which, you can still die in creative, but only through your own means or /kill properties, which crosses a contextual threshold i don’t want to get into. [the only mode where you are truly deathless is spectator mode, where you don’t really exist as a player, tethered to the game.] then, there’s the consideration of a player getting OP’d, which gives them the ability to kill other players without any of the established mechanisms of the greater world: using /kill doesn’t play fairly into this scenario either…

i suppose there’s a thread left unwound here with the relationship between creative mode and Death: this model was built around survival multiplayer servers and limited life-SMPs like Traffic SMP and DSMP, after all.

in my 3L fic a faint slash of tenderness, Death is a fate awaiting each player. she is not just a sentience, she is greedy, stealing fragments of each player when they pass her keep. this was used to understand the derailing morals of each player across each of their colour lives: by the time they have hit red, Death has taken enough of them to twist them from their true selves. but still in the end she waits to collect them all, each final death a body delivered to her great, unholy feast. toying with this imagery (when this concept of Death was still in its earliest stages) was unbelievably fun.

then, as this idea has grown on me, it’s truly blossomed in my ongoing work, the champion’s banquet, where the story begins and ends with Death seeking to claim what is rightfully hers (that right being the players lives). this fic is still writing itself, so i’ll keep the other 10k words i could write about this topic and the integration of Death into the DL story for after it’s been completed.

so yeah. those are just some of the more meta-analytical thoughts ive been having over the past few months, sort of the through-line between a few of my different works and more silent headcanons/interpretations of minecraft's death mechanic!! lies in concrete <3 if you have further elaborations on any of this i'd love to hear it :]

[we-staybhaalin]

Niralei, the basics

I don’t talk enough about Niralei and the Bells so im gonna try to rectify that on the new blog (hello!!):

Niralei’s story in this setting is that she spent all her life living in Baldur’s Gate, developing a love of music, but also living a life where her very existence had her branded due to her father’s line of work.

Ohmez in this world is not the devil he is set to be in a tabletop game—instead, he’s one of many underbosses of a large criminal syndicate and has been moving and shaking shit up in Baldur's Gate for years.

Her mother, Matari Ericia, is alive and well, a local and much loved musician, and owner of a small festhall called the “Loose Fiddle” and she wound up meeting Ohmez through a gig she took for an associate of his.

Niralei grew up absolutely absorbing Matari’s love of music and, despite everyone’s best efforts, she greatly cares for and appreciates her father. He puts distance between him and his daughters for their sake but Niralei (maybe out of a sense of just always kind of hoping one day her father would be willing to leave the life and be the father she always saw him as?) eventually comes to understand what it is that he does and why he commits himself to that path.

I think a big part of what drives her into doing what she does with the Bells is built on that.

She started working young but what she did wasn’t always above the table, legitimate jobs. There were days when her mother struggled and Ohmez wasn’t able to take care of them or alleviate that problem. Niralei would spend time learning tricks of the trade, which pockets to pick, and developing her skills in such a way that she'd always have some type of work someone with a fairly big bank account and reputation coming her way. She gets the combination of bard and rogue from that, but she's honestly more bard than rogue.

Niralei's first jobs were simple things--stealing, planting, eavesdropping and reporting information back to someone willing to pay a little mischievous tiefling. As she got older, she ran into the issue where sometimes her "small" jobs began overlapping with some aspect of her father's work, she had to make a big choice. Picking up a trade wasn't something she spent a lot of time doing coming up but she learned well how to play a lute and sing a song from her mother. When people noticed that she had a lot of other very interesting skills, she took those jobs too.

A key inspiration I wanted to bring into Niralei is the concept of the bards from the game Dragon Age--I like the idea of them essentially being a more eloquent form of mercenary for hire. For the right price, you could play a very funny prank on someone who needs to be taken down a peg. Or, something precious and valuable could be taken to set someone up who has been scheming in the back. Maybe what you need is someone who can listen to conversations in the background while strumming a song on a favored instrument.

Essentially, Niralei is capable of much of that but also truly just loves putting on a very fun and rewarding performance.

So yeah, hopefully that all makes some sense!

[trashcanwithsprinkles]

Archon war anon

I'm fairly certain that canon implies that Xiao didn't have too many masters, but I'm just having fun with it. I haven't hot potatoed him too much in what I have written, but I'm planning to pass him off for a bit to a bunch of Sumeru tribes who don't actually know what to do with an adeptus, and so just keep trading him off for benefits based on the idea that he's definitely got value, but they don't know what to do with him. I'm also doing this so that Morax later names him after himself? Like, "Xiao" is pretty Chinese sounding, and it would be weird for another land to have used it as a name. That in itself means nothing, bu I was like, "A perfect opportunity to make things weird!"

I did go check Cuijue architecture before I wrote the last ask and was all suspicious about it since I noticed that circle out front had that same square pattern as Guili stuff, but the pillars were very distracting!

We actually do know of gods to do with dreams - the Sumer Companion gods! But, they're obviously not in Liyue, and also not in Chenyu. The most I could find for the god of Chenyu Vale was the line "she made many dreams come true" in An Ancient Sacrifice of Sacred Brocade. Fujin and the others betrayed their god because they wanted to keep the humans safe, and the god was going to flood Chenyu Vale as a last ditch attempt to fight Morax.

The Dunyu-star connection comes from the Records of Jueyun book. The book also says "the redoubts of the Dunyu Valley stood tall and maintained prosperous relations with Liyue Harbor up till 500 years ago"

Very fair about thinking that the stone ruins all have to be old, but at the same time, given what I know about how ruins tend to work, they seem way too intact to be as old as all that? Like, people would have take all of that nice, preworked stone, because that's what people do. Like sure, some of them are kind of far, but then any quarries are also probably pretty far. Especially since Guili looks so much more ruined?

Tianqiu does look pretty temple-like, but also they kind of remind me of this documentary I saw talking about shitty Roman apartments? Like windowless and damp and all that because you spent basically all your time away. And even if it was a temple, temples need like staff to take care of them and priests? It looks big enough that it would probably need a proportionately big staff. I don't know, I'm not actually invested in this theory, it's just kind of fun to think about/argue.

As for when Guizhong died, yeah no confirmation on exactly when, but still at least 1700 years before the war ended.

What I could find on the move to the harbour was mostly referring back to one of the books - Stone Tablet Compilations - which was pretty vague, saying the war killed Guizhong, and "thereupon" Morax took their people to the harbor. And then the event that talked about the flood doesn't mention Guizhong dying, but in it Madame Ping does seem fairly specific about the actual move only taking a dozen days? Like, longer than you'd expect for that short distance, but not a "have to re-gather everyone" type situation (but honestly re-gathering would be really interesting to explore? and I want to see where you got that impression from) The teaser Echoes of the Heart mentions Guizhong's death and implies it was early in the war, but not how it happened or what was going on with their people after. And that's all I could find referring to her death specifically, so yeah, we know nothing. :(

I'm glad it wasn't too much!

no worries, it wasn't too much!

yeah i'm also fairly certain xiao only had one master before morax, but the concept is really interesting (and kinda funny). the idea of him winding up in sumeru and the gods there being like: "you want this magic kid?" "what does he do?" "idk but he's magic so he must be valuable" "you're right, i'll take him" .... "you want this magic kid?" fucking hilarious ngl

my only point of contention (that sounds ultra serious what) with the roman appartment point is that this is liyue? so i'm not sure they'd have a random ruin with no explanation be something that we wouldn't expect from a completely different culture? i guess it could always just be an adaptation though. but yeah, if it was a temple, there'd deffinitely be people living there. if not there, then in the surroundings – i'm just not sure if that would qualify as an entire town, more than just a temple complex. anyway, i've not no smoking gun on tianqiu valley either, we just know so little, but it is fun to throw things at the wall hahah

i have to be honest in that i completely forgot about madame ping's dialogue in moonlight merriment. like i had done the research on this mess for cyanide before that event came out? and since i wasn't even going to get to the founding of liyue harbor in the fic, i didn't bother changing my notes. but yeah, if madame ping says it took more than ten days (original chinese text), then yeah they probably migrated as soon as the flood took over. thankfully the cinematic specifies it was the guili assembly – knowing mihoyo they could've just left it as 'a flood destroyed their home' and never clarified LMAO like even then obviously it would've been the assembly, but still. unless i'm just missing stuff from the original chinese text, it doesn't, however, specify that it took them over ten days to get to the harbor. like it says the adepti stayed with them for ten days, but not how long their journey actually was? it was probably ten days, the harbor isn't all that far from the assembly and it'd be weird for the adepti to just... leave them halfway through the journey, but still. this is what i mean by the lack of clarification being a pain in the ass ToT

the scattering and gathering part actually comes from the guili plains' viewpont. it says "those who gathered here were once again scattered" in reference to the war destroying it. 'scattered' doesn't sound to me like a term you'd use for "there was a flood and so they fled together in a group with the adepti". it sounds more like "everyone fled to different places during the chaos, and then either morax gathered all of them back together to then migrate as a group immediately after it happened (like as soon as the flood settled morax was like "ok where's everyone"), or he took longer to gather them (like longer than ten days)". there's also the issue of the geo travel diaries? which like- i know morax being the god of the stove was disproven, but i'm not sure if that disproves the entire legend? which implies that people had to re-learn how to fucking cook when they first settled in the harbor. that might just be weird wording though, and since it's a word-of-mouth legend, also exaggeration.

the worst offender here i think is zhongli's dialogue during his first story quest. we know he's a little shit sometimes, but he's not known to outright lie when it comes to debating the history of liyue – he even goes out of his way to debate things that have become twisted by time if he finds himself in the conversation (because for some reason he also sometimes just lets the misconceptions be? which- i mean sure, he probably realizes it's an impossible task to try and fix every single erroneous tale in liyue). but when the scholars he's arguing with ask him if it's true that the lord of geo taught the people how to build houses when liyue harbor was being constructed (and how the model he used was made from mora), zhongli just says that yeah that's true. like ????? this either implies that the people didn't know how to build houses by the time they got to the harbor? as though they had been separated for so long that they had to re-learn it (which would make no sense if less than two weeks ago they'd been living in this advanced civilization that they'd built)?? like entire generations had passed??? or like- this could also be that zhongli taught them a new style of houses, going by the fact the architecture is not like the one in the assembly. given we now have madame ping saying it was more than ten days between the fall and the harbor, my only guess is that morax went 'hey i think we should try a new building style, how about this?' and made a harbor house as we know them entirely out of mora, and the people went 'ooo teach us how'. i guess there's always the possibility that, since the way it's worded in the dialogue (i don't have the originla chinese for this i'm afraid), that zhongli is saying that the fact the model house was made of mora is true, and not that he had to teach everyone how to make houses from scratch all over again. it could be that?? it's still weird.

it could always also be a case of all these things are from very early in the game, and since madame ping in moonlight merriment is the latest data we have, hers is probably more accurate? like they hadn't yet quite decided how long it was before the fall and the harbor, and that's why all the sources say different things.

still weird, though.

[dajaregambler]

HeliosR - Sing in the darkness - Chapter 2 - Part 17

Translation of Sing in the darkness from ‘Helios Rising Heroes’, a new side arc alongside the current main story arc Like the dawning light.

Bianchi: Perhaps Nico-chan’s more honest than you’d think?

Bianchi: I thought he was more cynical, purposefully keeping everyone at a distance…. 

Sage: Far from it when you talk with him. I suppose I misunderstood him without properly reaching out to him.

Bianchi: I see now

Sage: (Communication remains important after all.)

Sage: (Bianchi-san and Jude-kun want to know more about Nico-kun too, and I want to know more about everyone.)

Sage: Um… I actually kind of have a proposal, is that okay?

Bianchi: What is it, Sei-chan?

Sage: Yeah, so um… it’s almost time for Halloween soon, right?

Sage: We’ve only considered the upcoming LOM for now, but before that there’s Halloween League which is an event competition 

Sage: It’s essential for teams in training to participate, and I believe that all of us right now can work together and do our best… 

Jude: Halloween League, huh… There was something like that come to think of it. 

Jude: Event battles are different from LOMs and don’t have that image of brawling for victory, so what would we be doing our best for, exactly?

Sage: Um, first we decide on a theme… prepare the costumes and wear them, present the mock battles we practice… 

Sage: It’s true it’s not related to getting victories, but it will make the citizens happy and we can gather league points too. 

Sage: this will be the first event competition for us, and I’d like to discuss it and make arrangements with everyone… how about it? 

Bianchi: Event competition, you say… 

Jude: I believe we should leave that event for what it is, and set our sights on the next LOM.

Jude: The idea of presenting our mock battles in order to please a bunch of spectators…… Honestly that’s just some kind of phony performance? 

Jude: I couldn’t care less for these things, besides we need our time for training to be able to conquer the LOM. 

Sage: T-that’s… that’s true in a sense…. 

Bianchi: That might sound like it coming from him, but don’t take his words for granted. 

Bianchi: All he yearns for is going head to head with brute force, he has no interest in winning the LOM itself to begin with. 

Jude: Bianchi………

Bianchi: What?

Jude: You understand me so well…… 

Bianchi: Sei-chan, please continue? 

Sage: Uh, umm…

Bianchi: …I’ll be honest. I’m on the same page about not needing to go that far with putting effort into the event competition. 

Bianchi: Remember our unsightly loss against North at the LOM held the other day?

Bianchi: If we pour all of our efforts into the event when we’re in a situation with unfavorable results behind us, we’ll mess up on both sides in the end….. 

Bianchi: And that would be the most unbeautiful 

Sage: ……

Bianchi: Don’t give me that look now, Sei-chan. It’s Halloween’s fault for being around this time of the year. Once it’s done we can look forward to Christmas----

Sage: I…..

Sage: I want us to consider the Halloween League as important.

Bianchi: Eh……

Sage: More than it being the goal for us rookies in training, the most important thing at Helios is teamwork right now. 

Sage: The induction course on its own, which contains training and daily duties, and also how we’re spending everyday together, is put together around that concept. 

Sage: That makes experiencing the event an important component of it. Don’t you see it’s a chance precisely for cultivating teamwork? 

Bianchi: A chance….

Sage: Though….. to go on about this when I was the most unhelpful during the LOM, is making me feel a little ashamed…. 

Sage: Even then it's a valuable chance, I want to do something with everyone. I believe there’s more than enough meaning in giving our all for it!

Robin: …….

[laebrumme]

A Short Discussion on Fandom Culture

I’m going to admit: I’m very unfamiliar with fandom culture. I only really got into fandom in the past handful of years, and before that I observed from a distance. I always was one to enjoy media in a very insular way and my internet usage existed elsewhere. Because of that, coming across fandom discourse that seems to be run-of-the-mill to folks who have been in these circles for a long time has been a little jarring for me, especially because of how emotionally people engage with said talking points. It definitely does not help that these points are being discussed on twitter, a platform notorious for limiting your ability to communicate to the best of your ability, but even then I find it kind of fascinating how emotional fandom spaces are. As somebody who has problems with not approaching anything with her emotions and keeps things very analytical and logical, I kind of love it. Sometimes. Other times, it tends to make my brain bootloop trying to comprehend the kind of stuff people say.

For an example of this, I want to approach a particular twitter thread from my perspective as somebody who is new to this whole fandom thing and only started engaging in full capacity through fanfiction just under a year ago. I’m also just curious to see what happens when something like this is thrown into the ringer.

So the tweet goes as such: in a quote retweet asking for what amounts to Honkai: Star Rail related hot takes, a twitter user writes:

“Headcanoning a characters[sic] sexuality is the cheapest way to relate to a character. And many of you in this fandom who do so, only do so because that's all YOU are. No character, no life experience...just a bunch of robots who have nothing more to them than their sexuality.”

Rhetorically, the first tweet of this thread has holes more numerous than moldy cheese, but that’s something I’ve been trying to keep myself from picking at because, at the end of this day, this discourse doesn’t have much room for rhetoric or anything of the sort. Like I said in the opening, it’s almost all grounded in emotion, and it seemingly always has been if my many hours of watching fandom historians talk about the exploits of various characters on early fandom internet are to be believed. And it’s important to remember that’s really where fandom comes from: this entirely emotional and completely illogical connection we have with characters and stories that make us incredibly giddy and excited to even think about. It’s an excitement that leads us to draw, write stories, and create headcanons because the only thing better than the characters we like are versions of characters we like that we can relate to.

When I first read this tweet, one of my first thoughts was “what does ‘cheap’ mean in this context?” Because it really is kind of an empty word in this context since it’s assigning value to something that simply doesn’t. What constitutes a “cheap” way of relating to a character? Why is relating to headcanoned sexuality less valuable than relating to something like headcanoned race or gender or trauma? In fact, how is any of that less valuable than relating to canon race or canon gender or canon trauma?

Later in the thread, OP brings up an example with a web manga called She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat. I will admit first hand I have not read this, but the summary they gave talks about one of the characters having an upbringing which did not discuss any concepts of queerness and ends up having a discussion with another character about being gay, where she comes to the conclusion that she is gay. They then go on to say:

“THAT'S a real relatable story and that's what the story is about, so for me in comparison slapping a "she's lesbian" onto a character who's story is not about that In an attempt to relate to them feels cheap, when there are REAL relatable gay characters who's stories tackle these sorts of issues. Like make a Doujin/fanfic those[sic] never hurt anyone but all this fanon being canon stuff just feels kinda cheap from where I'm standing.”

I’m going to get out of the way the one single point out of this thread that I agree with: and that’s the fact that I’m not a huge fan of people asserting things that are very much not canon as being such. There is a difference between canon and implication, and a lot of people jump the gun rather quickly when they see something that softly implies queerness and call it canon. Now, will I admit that the line between canon and implication is rather fuzzy? Of course. At what point did Kavaithem become indisputably canon? I don’t know, and I don’t know if anybody could point it out. But as far as I’m concerned, even as somebody who isn’t into BL, it is as close to canon as something can get without there being an Azure Waters moment.

Aside from that, I think something that needs to be kept in mind is that why people want to relate to characters differs wildly. I would aline myself somewhere in the same realms as the OP in terms of why I relate to characters: I find a lot of value in headcanoning certain characters in certain ways and exploring those relationships. That’s why I love writing Arlefuri so much: there’s layers to it. It is a really fascinating ship to engage with on an intellectual and artistic level, because it is toxic if you choose to depict it that way. That’s also why I love headcanoning Hu Tao as ace, even though I am very much not ace. Hu Tao is such a fascinating character to me, and especially as a character that gets very sexualized all over the place online in a very specific way, giving her back sexual agency to me is very fascinating.

But there’s an entirely different side of the story: people headcanon characters as a certain sexuality because it makes them happy. And if you really want to be reductive, you can take the entire previous paragraph and translate it to “I headcanon Arlecchino as a lesbian and Hu Tao as asexual because it makes me happy.” Just because I can throw some intellectual reasoning behind it doesn’t mean that it’s automatically more valid than the person who headcanons Robin as a Lesbian purely because she’s pretty and has jewelry on her face with the colors of the lesbian flag. And again it goes back to that idea that this entire fandom thing to me is letting the emotions win over the logic and doing whatever makes you feel happy. And for some people, that’s headcanoning their favorite character to be their sexuality because they have no other way of expressing their sexuality, didn’t get to grow up expressing their sexuality, or because their sexuality isn’t expressed commonly in media and they want to feel represented.

“… Relating to a character has gotta be something deeper, so slapping a "She's lesbian" onto a character who's story isn't about that when there are stories that protray[sic] real and relatable struggles is cheap to me. A good amount of my favourite[sic] characters aren't my sexuality and I don't have to headcanon them as such, just for me to relate to them. So here's where it is, if you need to rely on some headcanon to make a character relatable then what does that say about you?”

I really don’t think there are people that headcanon a character as a sexuality purely in order to relate to them, and instead I think it’s the other way around. People will relate to a character and headcanon them to be their sexuality just to make relating that much easier and more enjoyable. (Again, the idea that this is all just for fun and people do it to make their time interacting with things more enjoyable.)

So no, I definitely don’t think that relating to a character has to amount to something “deeper,” because, putting aside the fact that “deeper” doesn’t really mean anything, it’s important more than ever to remember that maybe to me or you saying a character is a lesbian might not mean much, but to someone else, it might mean the world. And beyond that, there is nothing else anybody can say about the person behind the screen aside from that person themselves. Nobody can say how shallow or deep of a person they are, because we’re all people hiding behind screens and keyboards that only share very curated versions of ourselves to the people out there, even if reflexively, so the person that headcanons a random character as a lesbian for no other reason than they want to might have the most interesting life behind the screen, and they interact with such “simple” headcanoning because they want some normalcy or simplicity in their life.

To me, how somebody chooses to headcanon characters tells me nothing about who they are because there are an infinite number of reasons why they might do such a thing in such a way. And after watching toxic fandom for a while now, I really think that’s where things break down: people forget that the person on the other side of the screen isn’t them. They make the assumption that the person on the other side of the screen has their life or their belief system, but was led astray. That’s not true: even the OP of this thread lives in a completely different situation from my own, has entirely different life experiences from my own, and has a completely different belief system to my own, and when toxic fandom forgets that, they go into discussion with the belief that some strongly worded tweets will “set them straight” so to speak, when in reality even a two thousand word essay talking about a short tweet thread probably won’t sway the OP at all, and I accept that. That’s why my main purpose for this is to talk about toxic fandom culture I’ve seen at large, using OP’s tweet as a starting point. I want to share my opinion just as much as OP did.

And, for the record: as a person who likes to headcanon and relate to characters much the same as the OP of this thread, I can pretty confidently say that I have a lot less character and life experience compared to the people on my timeline that headcanon out of nothing but vibes. People that are willing to engage in pure and fanatical whimsy just because they feel like it are often the most interesting.

[congregamus]

Ash Wednesday Homily

14 February 2024 Chicago, Illinois, at 7 PM Isaiah 58:1-12; 2 Cor. 5:20b-6:10; Matthew 6:1-6; 16-21 Ash Wednesday

Poet Mary Oliver writes:

I don't know exactly what a prayer is. I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass… which is what I have been doing all day. Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Very shortly, we will be invited to observe a holy Lent. We will receive the ashes and be marked with a sign of our mortality, hearing words that, in our modern way of speaking, might sound more like: 

Remember, humans. Dust is where we come from, and where we are headed again.

Poets don’t seem to mind, but most folks don’t like to think too much about the fact that no one is going to survive their life. Lent suggests that we ought to think about it. For more than a month. 

That’s a long time to sit with questions of ultimate concern. Lent is heavy, considered by most folks to be, to put it casually, "a real downer."

In Christian devotion, one of the paths to divine union is called the via purgativa, which is an old-fashioned way to say, “the practice of getting rid of things.” 

We use a similar word to purgativa when we say “purge”, as when we are ill to the point of vomiting, or when our living space has “piled up” and we need to discard what has accumulated. Whatever you think of the concept of "purgatory" it's the same idea. The spiritual concept behind this is that too much of anything can sicken our souls, 

or that we seem to pile up a lot of garbage both internal and external. Eventually we’re going to have to clean it up, so we might as well start now. 

As much as we might not like it, this is the way of Lent. 

The word “Lent” doesn’t have anything to do with penitence. Lent comes from an Old English word meaning ‘lengthening of days.’  Lent just means: Spring is coming. 

Our ancestors, who were not able to distance themselves from natural cycles, as we are, knew all too well about the mutual bond between death and renewal. Lent wants us to ask ourselves, 

What, in my life, needs renewal?

which is also to ask:

What, in my life, needs to die?

In the reading from Mark, Jesus reminds us that what we value – even negatively – will hold our attention. We tend to transfer this teaching to the afterlife for spiritual punishment or reward, but there’s no need. It’s as true on earth as in Heaven. 

On Ash Wednesday, Christianity’s practical wisdom is self-evident.  

What we value is what will hold our attention.

So,

Remember, humans. Dust is where we come from, and where we are headed again.

Lent is extremely hard for many to welcome. It invites us to pay attention to how we pay attention; to get honest about what is valuable to us, about what is worth cherishing, worth keeping – because our lives are short. It encourages us to reframe the essential, and to be willing to let go of those things that aren't.

Our unhelpful tendency to accumulate is nowhere more evident than at Lent, about Lent. There is a widespread dislike for it because we have allowed much to accumulate around it, meaning that we may need to do a purge regarding our purge.

If you groan when this time of year comes around, I encourage you to practice Lent on this Lenten season. Purge whatever you need to. Lent isn’t trying to prove that you’re a failure. 

Lent doesn’t need to prove anything. We are beings with limits. 

That we are dust and that we will return to it is one of the only real truth-statements we can make about our humanity in humility. 

It is not a coincidence that both of those words (‘human’ and ‘humility’) are derived from the Latin for soil: humus. We may come quite literally from the dirt. That still doesn’t mean, however, that we’re dirty.

For, as much as we talk about dirt today, the purpose of Lent is not to make us feel like dirt. Lent wants us to be grounded – to root ourselvesin our mortality, an exercise we would very much rather avoid.

Ash Wednesday is not warning us about anything. It is calling us to remember WHO WE ARE. We are mortal. This is how we are made. It is not a failing of ours, neither personally, nor as a species, that one day we will die. 

At death, we are once again as we came into this world, naked before ultimate concern. We need practice for that, and there isn’t much opportunity in our secular culture for it. Lent offers us a space to practice facing ourselves as we really are.

It is a solemn invitation. It is hard to hear and extremely humbling to attempt. 

And it isn’t any easier for the people who have been working on it their whole lives than it is for the absolute beginner. 

Our experience of being alive is deeply mysterious: a gift we are given for a time. It has an ending which we cannot avoid, and we must account for our choices. 

With its solemn refrains, today’s readings help ground and root us in the difficult, honest relationship to which Lent calls us with ourselves, namely, to remember that:

We humans are dust.  It is where we come from, and it is where we are going.

And

What we value is what will hold our attention.

So, we ought to pay attention to how we pay attention in the limited time we have.

What will you do with this wisdom our tradition gives us? One answer isn’t better than another. Mortal, what will you do with your one wild, precious life? Amen.