#i kind of want to do some sum-up stats like

[crehador]

100 DAYS OF SMIC DAILIES

TOTAL WORD COUNT THUS FAR: 146,825

ORIGINAL GOAL: 500 WORDS OR LESS PER DAILY

TASK FAILED

.........SUCCESSFULLY?

[friendlybowlofsoup]

Another Update

Hello Friends,

I have a rather long (but optimistic!) update to share with you all today. As many of you are probably tired of reading these kind of posts, I have a TL;DR here, but I did want to share what has been on my mind in that past half-year that I haven't been here.

It has been rough, and busy as always, but I think I'm finally facing myself and my project for the first time in a very long time.

TL;DR (it's actually long, I have a lot to say (*_ _)人)

I soul-searched and decided to stop compromising on my own feelings with regards to this project. I gave in to everything I wanted to do.

Plot changes, which means some character changes, which means some of the demo is outdated.

GotRM will be switching over to Twine.

----

OH MAN DID I SUFFER THE LAST FEW MONTHS

After my previous update, I hunkered down and really analyzed how I wanted to proceed with GotRM as a project. Because even prior to that post, I had already been going through long periods of hiatuses (which you are all aware of), and while I didn't lie about school taking up my time, I was also harboring a growing dissatisfaction with my own writing that really killed my progress for a long time.

So after everything had settled, I sat down and forced myself to peel apart my work. I know I said I would answer asks, but I uninstalled all of my social media and put aside this blog to focus. I made a note of all the things I liked and didn't like, and I made a list of things I wanted to change or improve on. The biggest point was that I also looked at my efficiency during actual writing sessions: how much of my time was spent writing vs. fighting with code? How could I change that?

And after a lot of deliberation, I figured there were a few things I had to change from the ground up, summed up in four points:

My working style was super incompatible with grad school. I can't spend 20-30 minutes scrolling up and down CSIDE checking code or looking for narratives while also jumping between chapters to make sure events line up. As this story grows, the more difficult it becomes to keep track of all the branches, so I needed an alternative working method, which I am adhering to now, and it prioritizes efficiency.

I hated the way I was tracking and coding stats in-game. I have griped so much about coding stats, and I have adhered to such a rigid style that I really felt trapped whenever I was confronted with balancing them out. So I'm throwing that to the wind and redoing how I utilize and convey them. Player-side, this decision doesn't change much since I never fully utilized stats in the demo anyway, and the stats page with indicators will still exist, but I'm getting rid of stat bars and how I treat stat checks.

The story I want to write now is different from the one I started out with. I've known for a while that GotRM was becoming far more than the tiny, wishful novella that I wrote as a teenager. I held onto that old story for a long time, but there's just so much I want to change that I realized I'd been clinging to a story I no longer enjoyed writing. So I spent the majority of the last few months rewriting GotRM from scratch. I redid some worldbuilding, I changed a lot of plot points, and I fixed a lot of characters' backstories accordingly. This meant scrapping stuff from even the demo, but that turned out to not be the biggest issue because:

I wanted to branch away from ChoiceScript. Honestly, I never really cared about getting officially published, but the camaraderie in the forums and on Tumblr were why I committed to CS and CoG. However, ultimately, I really want the functionality that other tools can offer GotRM, and so after a long internal debate, I will be switching over to Twine. Fortunately, since I was rewriting everything anyways, this has been relatively painless, and passage mapping has made everything so much neater. I am trying my best to make it up to chapter 2 before I release the new demo, so please look forwards to that!

And so yes, I am still here, chugging along.

I love this game and this story: it's been my creative escape for as long as I could remember, and you can imagine how frustrated I was when I realized I was starting to dread working on it.

I am forever learning more about myself and my writing style, and this is simply more of that journey. Thank you everyone for sticking around, for joining the discord, and for checking up on me--that I have all of you has truly been a dream.

Hopefully more updates to come soon! I understand that there may be questions about these new changes, so please ask away! I will (try) to release some asks that I've been working on in the drafts too, but I will wait until at least tomorrow to release them so that this post doesn't get drowned out immediately.

And as always, with a lot of love,

FriendlyBowlofSoup (Mei)

[trulybetty]

Sunday Week In Review XVI & 2023 Wrapped

I feel like 2023 just started five minutes ago, am I the only one who feels like this year as passed by quickly but at the same time dragged its heels?

I've seen so many lovely end of year close out posts and years in review. I toyed with how I wanted to close out the year and what I could say that could sum it up sufficiently.

Betty rambles under the cut with this weeks reads if you're interested...

2023 has been a weird year if I'm entirely honest and somewhat isolating. I returned from mat leave, back to working from home, and having to scramble to make adjustments when things fell through. Which resulted in Mr. Truly and I working opposite shifts to ensure the S.S. Truly stayed afloat.

But during the last six months somehow I made it back to Tumblr, to an old account from way back when - pre-dating when the Canucks made it to game seven kinda old - I blew off the dust, cleaned house and made myself a little space. I still don't know 100% how it all happened, though I think it started with the Reddit forum.

You don't need to know the whole spiel about Pedro, because while we're here because of him, it's the community that holds us here. After floating and not really knowing what I was doing, I started to make connections within this community and finding a seat at the table (we'll come back to that) and I found joy again. I'd kinda lost myself in the fog that is half a dozen other titles/roles others looked to me as that had replaced just Betty.

I started writing, hadn't done that in years. I rekindled by love for graphic design, what I went to school for. I was reading books again, as well as so many great fanfics here. I even bought poetry books, something I hadn't done since I don't know when.

I've been really fortunate in my experience that I've encountered so many wonderful people. I may not get to be as social as I'd like to be, and I still have a fear of dropping into DM's & Asks unannounced. I have the shittest memory, if I don't keep a tab open or reply straight away it's sometimes days or weeks before I remember again. But I really hope that I've returned in kind what others have given me because I'd hate for anyone to feel like they don't belong here, because you do.

This community is a table (told you I'd come back) and it's size is immeasurable. It has no bounds and there's always room for whatever kind of chair you pull up and if you don't have one? We'll find one. Need to leave for a while? We'll save your seat. This my friends is a community, and if you're met with those who tell you the table is full, I'm telling you now, they're not a part of it.

Are there going to be those with more notes? Yes. Are there going to be people you're going to compare your writing to? Yes. Are you going to maybe want to pack it all in and delete your masterlist now and then? Yes.

But none of that takes away anything that makes you, you and what you bring to the table.

Life is hard enough without the added pressure of thinking you need to score imaginary internet points with stats and metrics that carry no value. I wish I knew the magic formula, because I'm still trying to figure it out myself, but let's try and be kinder to ourselves eh?

But I'm really going into 2024 with the goal of curating my own joy - whether it be indulging in the fanfics I want to write and read, more obnoxious coffees, a new fountain pen, giving myself permission to buy the fancy notebook, get back to baking or binging both seasons of Julia and pretending I can make one of her recipes.

So to sum it up, before this goes into a further incoherent ramble, this year has been about reaching out, starting connections and building something meaningful. I've met some amazing people that I am lucky to call friends and without their kindness and extending a seat at the table I'm not sure I'd still be around these parts.

Here's to more of that in 2024 - while I'm not always the best at replying to messages, my DM's and Ask's are always open, feel free to drop in at any time 💕

Pedro Tax™️ for your time...

T R U L Y  U P D A T E S . . .

December x 500 is complete-ish? Thanks to being sick towards the end of the month there's three entries missing, but I'm hoping to sneak them in during the new year! I'm looking forward to a quieter writing schedule that's for sure!

W H A T  I  R E A D . . . Didn't read as much as I wanted to this week - but I'm off this next week, so hoping to do a little more and get through some of my TBR list!

All I Want for Christmas (Frankie) by @morallyinept This was a delightful festive meet-cute that had me on the edge of my seat and also explores the character of Frankie and the ramifications of his actions on his friendships and his ex. 

All I Want (Will Miller) by @laurfilijames This was a bittersweet one-shot that touched on the idea that the festive season isn’t always for everyone and that you never know what’s going on with someone. 

I Put My Book Down to Be Here (Dieter) by @frenchiereading My first New Year’s Eve fic I’ve read this season and it’s so sweet and has a soft Dieter (my fave), who is still his chaotic self! I loved this from start to finish and such a great meet-cute!

Had Me Fooled (Dave) by @wildemaven Heidi has done such an amazing job with this mini series that can be read as a standalone or as a series. I love a soft Dave and Heidi does it so well. This last one had my toes curling in all their romantic glory and I will be revisiting this series again I'm sure!

Reunions (The Thief) by @ladamedusoif I'm behind on Rose's December prompts, but this was the steamy follow up to My Kiss, Only For You (go read that first, no seriously, go read it) and it was so delectable and my greedy self hopes we see these two again in the future.

Cookies (Tim) by @ladamedusoif Speaking of delicious things, this was as indulgent and sweet as the cookies made in this fic. Tim was one of the characters I didn't see becoming such a favourite this year - but I love seeing everyone's interpretation of him. This one here? In my top ranked versions 🫠

So here's to 2024!

Thank you for every interaction, reblog, or tag - every single one is held clutched to my heart in appreciation every time!

Stay safe, and whatever you're doing or wherever you are sending you much love!

[soulsisterif]

Games of the Show

In the last post I was telling you I had written the part of the story where Dawn explains the show's mechanics. The relevant thing for this post is the games and their rewards. You'll have to win games to get rewarded in the show (getting dates, choosing group activities and so on) and I also wanted those games to help you learn about the ROs lives, interests and preferences. About themselves, in short.

That means conversational games are my main focus, even if they're silly, particularly if they can be used to discover what is it that they look for in a relationship: Orange Flag, Weird Words, Hot Takes, They're a 10 but...

Oh, I really want to involve the audience in some games, too. That'd be rad. And it would be a good way to put the How the Audience Views You stat to use, too.

I'm open to suggestions, as always. The only thing I refuse to change about this game is how the relationships among characters deepen through interaction. You can sleep around if you're shallow, but if you want to romance them, or even just have a genuine friendship with them, you have to actually get to know them. Now, in a normal, day-to-day dating environment that would mean deep chats and coffee dates, which you can get in the game, anyway. But this is a dating TV show, so there should be something else to it, and I have my take on how I'd like to do that.

I was a little against games involving kissing because I'm the kind of player that chooses one RO and sticks with them as faithful as a puppy for the whole playthrough (unless they screw me over. Looking at you Threxia from Soulless). Then I realised that I have to allow people to play the field, too, so they can be good for that.

The thing that I'm worried about is what I call the "Love Island ick". For reasons...

I'm not adding games like "kiss the hotest cotestant", "imitate a sex position with whoever", "give a lap dance to—". Nope. That's just... Nope. I might add some spicy games to play privately with your chosen RO later on, but as a group it just makes me cringe. A game of good ol' truth or dare, or two truths and a lie can be a fantastic way to get to know someone in a fun way, but if you write it in a super crass or childish way it's just painful to read. (watch me fail misserably for trash talking, hahaha)

Still, I did want to include those but turning them into a competition. For instance, imagine a game of Truth or Dare with scores. Like, if one dares MC to do something, the other contestants can bet on whether or not MC will do the dare or pass. If they're right they get a point. MC would only earn a point if she takes the dare and the person who issued the challenge can only earn a point if MC passes on it.

Contestants would pick easier and more relevant questions and dares if they are interested in someone, but go harder on those they don't fancy as much and try to win some points instead.

There's also follow-up scenarios with this game. Let's say someone flirty (*cough* Joanna *cough*) was into MC. Then they may be interested in asking something like"what is your favourite type of kiss?". That would be an opening for the RO give MC that kind of kiss. Or even have several ROs try out, to see who she likes better, maybe in exchange of one of your points?

There are a lot of ways to play it, but you get what I mean. You could always pass and refuse to answer the question or take the dare, of course.

This way you could both state your MCs romantic/physical predilections and also learn about the ROs'.

Damn, it's late, this got way too long and I just want to go to bed. So, to sum it up, I want conversational games, the audience involved sometimes, and you'd be rewarded for winning them.

[roadandruingame]

RaR Musings #7: Meaningful Mechanics

I saw a post this week about other people in the ttrpg design space, lamenting their years of work, and being dismissed for their project seeming like "a dnd clone". A fair concern, to be sure, but it would turn out the criticism stemmed from having a fantasy themed roleplaying game, that uses a d20 and adds proficiency, has character creation that involves classes, and spellcasting with multiple levels of spells. Others suggested there might be similarities if you use the standard stats, like STR, DEX, and INT.

So what's a guy with a fantasy themed roleplaying game that uses Xd10, adding proficiency, has a character creation engine that has classes as a minor element, and spellcasting with a mana system allowing you to cast spells at a higher level, using some basic stats, to do?

Firstly: not worry about it. Creativity is iterative, and DND has been the fantasy roleplay standard for nigh on 50 years, having affected pop culture and videogame design alike. It'd be hard NOT to have anything similar to it, and for those who have no experience outside of DND, dipping a toe outside that space can seem daring and adventurous. The writer is probably upset because they don't understand how generally meaningless their reinventing of the wheel was in terms of convincing people to play their game instead; in fact, there wasn't any mention of WHY he made the effort to design his own game in the first place. Was it distaste for existing products? Because he had vision? Or just to prove that he could do it too, a kind of intellectual parroting?

Game mechanics can't be copywritten, so while it's not illegal to copy mechanics, there needs to be certified thought put into what those mechanics are meant to achieve, and why they may fail to do so.

As an example: both d20 games and Road and Ruin involve rolling dice to generate a random value, and then adding your proficiency as a flat number.

DND falls down here because even high proficiency, like +11 or +13, barely crests over half of the value generated by random d20, much less the more regular +1 to +6. This means a specialist, someone who has lifelong expertise at their craft, can still bungle even a basic action, giving other players a chance to perform, but completely botching the class fantasy of being a specialist, and there's no coded mechanics for varying levels of success or failure to even reward being a specialist beyond increased binary success rate. Multiple overlapping proficiencies don't have cumulative value, and outside of house rules, you can't mix and match Attribute to Proficiency, such as using Strength for Intimidation. However, the system is simplistic, and easy to understand. Not having different values for different proficiencies means only having to refer to a single number as a bonus, which makes stat scaling much more predictable, and as mentioned, giving other players the limelight means the skill monkeys won't hog it.

Road and Ruin HAD a much more 'unique' skill check system; roll your attribute (1-10) as Xd10, and your proficiency (two 0-5 proficiencies combined) determined the minimum score any dice could land. Dice were adjusted, totalled, and the sum divided by 10 to find Success Rate, with scores of 1 or higher expected. This ended up being too much adjusting and adding; it produced the ideal values, but was too slow, and not very fun, especially to do repetitively. Worse, it didn't enable 'skill' to exceed 'raw talent'; you needed a high attribute for the guaranteed 'floor' that proficiency provided to matter, and I wanted those with training to potentially exceed those without training. If INT4 rolls 4d10, and Proficiency 3 meant you couldn't get below a 3 on each, for a 'floor' of 12-40, that still meant an average ~22, regardless of if you were trained or not. Specialization 'rolled' an additional 1d10, but set it aside as an automatic 10, thus improving skill checks beyond what was possible via random dice rolls, raising both floor and ceiling by 10, but not solving the issue of speed or reliability.

So now, Road and Ruin has a Roll + Proficiency system too, except you roll Xd10 (1-5), and Proficiency is two scores (0-5 each), combined, and multiplied by Specialization, with a cheat-sheet of the most common Proficiency results for your character. Adding the dice, and Proficiency, before finding successes, is still slow, but faster now, and due to the multiplication of scores and specialization, your character may even automatically succeed basic tasks, without the need for a roll at all. Such skillmonkeying requires utmost devotion though, and is far better suited to an NPC assistant; but, said NPC will still be built using the same mechanics as what goes into a character, making it easier to understand and appreciate their service.

More importantly: I like it. I understand that others might not; it doesn't have the hallmarks of DND's 'gamble' economy, getting high rolls and confetti when you hit a 20, but frankly, I'm building this game for me, not for people who are satisfied with DND. Even my nine attributes are inspired by World of Darkness, though slightly redefined to suit the needs of my setting instead, and the proficiency skill list is entirely my own, designed to offer as many cases of two overlapping skills as possible. Using any attribute in the skill check, based on what you aim to affect rather than what the proficiency is most known for (using DEX and herbalism to get plant clippings, or INT and herbalism to recall plant facts, for example) is a much more direct and diverse way to handle skill checks, rather than trying to remember whether Nature in DND is Intelligence or Wisdom, and why. Rolling multiple dice instead of 1d20 helps protect against fringe rolls, making the rare cases truly rare, as well as creating a market for spells, equipment, and abilities that affect your skill checks to have meaningful use, rather than simply adding a +1.

But I'm having fun doing all this. Road and Ruin began because I was upset with DND, and over the years, I've done a lot of work, first to intentionally distance it from DND, and only later to begin to paint it in my own colors, doing what I want, not in rebellion of what I don't. Anybody looking to design their own systems should be more preoccupied with how their mechanics feel; if people think that it's too similar to an existing product, one that you intentionally avoided? Then that's tough beans for them. They don't get to define how you have fun, and at the end of the day, that's what playing, and designing, a game is all about.

[gozine-translate]

Terminally-ill Genius Dark Knight - 151

151: Returning from the Mission and an Uncomfortable Break [2]

​​​​After returning from the mission. I sat on my bed in Sidus' hall and quietly thought to myself.

What is the biggest gain I got this time? Of course, there could be various answers to this question, but the truth is, I already knew the answer.

'Sure enough, when it comes to Inner Lunatic's best gain, it's a unit'

Sure, gold coins and swordsmanship are great too. But the core of this game lies in cooperation. Recognizing that you can't never do everything alone. It's a game where you need to calculate the synergy between each unit, and clear it by helping each other'

That's exactly the fun element of Inner Lunatic.

Therefore, I can say one of the best things I gained this time is the dog tribe guy sitting in front of me with a grumpy face.

A unit that possesses an absurd talent, with [Genius of Command] and [Master of Memorization] traits. Prim

"So, your name’s Prim? From now on, you’ll be my loyal servant. At a level where you're not different from my hands and feet."

However, there was a huge problem with this guy. For example… His personality was twisted, as if he's going crazy.

Prim frowned at my serious tone and responded.

“No, I don’t want to."

“What?”

I clenched my fist in disbelief at the ridiculous response from the boy in front of me and ask him back

Where the hell did this rude brat come from…

Of course I never thought of that I knew well from the start that this bastard was like this when I brought him along. I sighed and focused on the few traits displayed in his status window.

As I skimmed through his overall status, the severity of his mental issues and his other unbearable traits became evident.

------------------------------------------------

[Basic Information]

Name: Prim Gender: Male Age: 15 Race: Beastfolk Primary Element: Wind Achievements: -

[Traits]

Positive: [Genius of Command] / [Master of Memorization] / [Leadership] Neutral: [My Way] Negative: [Moody] / [Lacks Common Sense] / [Rough Speech] / [Hot-Tempered]

[Stats]

Physical Strength: 6 Mana: 3 Luck: 4 Willpower: 4 Charm: 10

[Skills]

Passive Skill: - Active Skill: -

----------------------------------------------

I looked at the traits that form this bastard, which are close to disasters, and at Prim, who was still eagerly rolling his pupils even at this moment

‘[Lacks Common Sense], [Rough Speech], [Moody], [My Way], and [Hot-Tempered]… What kind of insane combination is this?'

I couldn’t help but sigh. A collection of the worst possible traits all gathered in one place.

'To sum it up,'

Prim's mental state is, simply put. He's an absurd brat who's lost all common sense, spouting whatever he wants based on his mood, throwing tantrums, and being hysterical. What kind of ridiculous combination of traits is this?

Since Paracelsus, It had been a long time that I felt my mind spinning like this. Sure, he wasn't exactly sane either, but not this.

These bastards… I am speechless that they all just get on my nerves in this way.

"So, are you saying you're going back on your word after decided to follow me?"

I suppressed my anger and asked him. Prim perked up his ears, showing the trait of a beastfolk, or rather dog tribe. He's probably evaluating his worth in his own way. I can almost hear the gears turning in his head, so I'm sure of it.

Considering that I willingly made a proposal to him, he's probably thinking that he has some value to me. He's trying to get this from me. That's why he's acting all stubborn like that.

It's so obvious. Too obvious.

"No, well, I'm not saying I'm going back on my word… but considering that Nox-nim went to the trouble of paying a hefty sum of gold to bring me here, doesn't that mean I have some value? I'm just saying I deserve to be treated accordingly. That's all."

This brat… He's very bold, isn't he?

I felt the ruffian inside me waking up. If this were the kind and gentle Yoochan, maybe I'd forgive him, but the current me, there's no way. Because I'm a ruffian, completely consumed by its concept.

Meanwhile, it seems he had no idea what I was thinking. His expression looked relaxed. From picking his ear, blowing it out, to the way he talks that makes people infuriated…

While testing people's limits, in general, pushes people's anger to the extreme. I know from the way how he takes this attitude as if it's nothing..

'I admit it. This guy is a natural-born piece of trash.'

I stood up from my seat where I had been sitting with my legs crossed.

"You do have some value, but there's one thing you're overlooking."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I don't keep servants who don't follow me. If I don't need you, I'll just 'dispose' of you. Even if you think about it, isn't it like that?"

"Haha. I'm not sure what you mean."

The guy was still smirking, as if not understanding my personality. He probably thinks I wouldn't get rid of him after paying so much to bring him here.

'What a fool. If I had actually spent money, maybe. But I already got back all the money I used to buy you. Rather, I even made a profit.'

But he doesn't know this. The sneer on his face. is obviously mocking me.

So, though it was sudden, I decided to show proof to him that my words weren't just for show.

Ssshring

The white blade slid smoothly out of its sheath.

'Huh?'

That's exactly how his expression tinged.

The blade, now darkening, was aimed directly at Prim.

Sweating nervously, Prim stammered.

"Um… Nox-nim? Don't you need me? I'm confused why you pull out your weapon like this"

"From now, I will tell you how they deal with disobedient servants in the Reinhaver family."

"Gulp!"

He instinctively raised his arms to protect his head. Well, as a former slave, he's probably been beaten a lot Whether it was getting hit on the head or kicked in the stomach.

Well, such a thing is extremely common in Inner Lunatic World

But was I the one who beat and cursed at him? No. Unfortunately for him, I'm not the one he should be angry with.

But me?

'This brat disrespected me.'

That's something I can't forgive as the youngest son of the Reinhaver family. So, I decided to teach him a simple truth.

'You don't mess with someone stronger than you, no, at least don't mess with me.’

The simplest truth that governs this world. My goal was to make him understand the law of the jungle properly.

Maybe, I could succeed in fixing Prim's mentality, something I couldn't achieve even in the game. The thought made my heart race.

'I'm only doing this to see if I can erase a unit's negative traits. It's not like I'm venting for a trivial reason.'

Yeah, that's right.

I raised my sword and swung it sharply at him. As the blade cut through the air, it stopped just before his nose. Prim, with his eyes still shut, screamed at me in panic.

"W-wait… You crazy bastard!! Where do you get off suddenly hitting someone with that…"

"So, you finally show your true colors. You just dared to speak rudely to your master, didn't you?"

"…Uh. That's, I think you must've imagined it"

Prim's face stiffened as he spit out the last words. Looking at Prim, who now had his ears drooped, I sheathed my sword and clenched my fist this time.

This would hurt, but it wouldn't kill him. Praying that he'd smarten up under my care, I put all my strength into my punch.

Pow! Wham! Whack!

"Ow! Ahh! Wait, stop!"

And so, the only thing that echoed inside my room at Sidus' hall for a while was his pained cries. It took him about two hours to finally swear incomplete loyalty to me.

'Stubborn as hell. To hold out for so long…'

But all he got for that was more beatings.

I clicked my tongue, looking at the guy who was now a total wreck.

Zitri, who had been bringing tea was astonished and offered a short prayer for Prim.

"May he go to a better plac…"

"I'm not dead yet… not yet…!"

As Prim got up again with his arms wide open, I promptly punched him in the head again.

It took another 30 minutes for the knocked-out guy to wake up.

--------------------------------------

After a while …

Prim was now sitting properly, receiving a lesson from Zitri, who was wearing glasses. The lesson went something like this:

"When serving young master who looks like the sky, you must always use honorifics. Even if the young master does something unreasonable, like using tea that's supposed to help you sleep so you can't move. Never attack or doubt him. Understood?"

"… No, that's a bit…."

"Understood?!"

Zitri continued her explanation while looking at me with a somewhat expression that mixed with resentment.

'Am I just imagining that?'

Well, it was a pretty decent lesson. It roughly covers what to do when serving me, how to act around me in front of others, and what a servant's duties are. There were almost a hundred items she explained.

Naturally, Prim's expression didn't look good. And naturally, I am enjoying it too

'Serves you right. you bastard that like dog off its leash.'

By the way, I think Zitri is pretty amazing. I don't even know what a servant is supposed to do.

I've heard nobles take their servants to the academy, but I wasn't sure what tasks they were assigned. So, I'm learning a lot from what Zitri is saying. From what I heard, she's been taking "The Dignity and Attitude of a Maid" class recently. She's probably not wrong about anything she's saying.

'I trust Zitri's words. In fact, she's never been wrong so far.'

Sometimes, Zitri is exactly a unit I trust even more than myself

"Let's end the lecture here. Seeing that his eyes are still alive, he's bound to crawl back again"

"Gasp!"

Prim made a frightened expression as if he'd been caught.

Zitri sighed and reported,

"He's not an easy one. As I thought, he's definitely a servant worthy of being chosen by you, young master. His eyes are strangely similar…"

"Naturally, it's not a compliment, is it?"

"….."

Zitri paused for a moment before speaking again.

"Ah, right! I have some news for you."

"Trying to change the subject?"

Zitri feigned innocence and said. I decided to moderately go along with her jokes

"Young master other comrades have been approved to transfer to Eldain Academy. They went through an illegal route, and I've heard that Young Master Grain spent a considerable amount of gold coins for that"

The other units she mentioned were versatile characters including the likes of Erina, Rona, May, and Kushan Adrian. It's dangerous to be far apart, and I couldn't get help in emergencies. So it seems everything was taken care of well.

Also, it seems Grain really helped them to get their admission safely.

As expected, Dark Family is useful in a situation like this.

I don't know if this is a compliment, anyway, that's how it was

"The others will be arriving soon. You there, slave, get ready. We're going to greet them"

"I'm not a slave! I have a name, Prim! If you call me by my name, I also …"

"Shut up. If you hadn't tried to challenge me from the start, I would have adjusted it appropriately. But what did you do? didn't you defy your master without knowing your place?"

"That, should I take a shower first? Since I'm part of Dog tribe, I kind of smell like a dog and human mixed in…"

"Be back in five minutes."

I said it calmly. Prim's tone had become much more obedient, but it's clear that he'd soon start acting up again and making me angry. But I had to endure it, knowing he'd be useful later.

A little while later…

I tied him up because he tried to escape while pretending to take a shower and made him do a preparation. I made sure he was wearing an artifact that would hide that he's a demi-human, so there was nothing to worry about. This place is still a society with strong aristocratic bias. People like Prim were still facing discrimination.

Anyway, soon after, Zitri and I were able to reunite with our comrades after a while.

Rona, Erina, Kushan, May…

All of them looked excited. It's as if seeing country bumpkins who had just arrived in Seoul. It wasn't exactly a good sight, so I quickly motioned for them to follow me.

"Let's go and talk"

I said that to avoid drawing unnecessary attention

But then Rona was the first to gasp and exclaim,

"Uwaaaaaaa! Realllyyyy Hugeee..."

All eyes turned to me. Then I heard the murmuring sounds

"What the heck? Did we have people like that in our academy?"

"Seriously, they even let in dogs or cows nowadays"

"I say… But isn't that Nox von Reinhaver?"

……Damn it How come Rona hasn't a bit changed?

What absurd is, in the middle of that, as if numbed his legs, Prim started looking around nervously. Most likely, because of the student’s earlier comment about "letting dogs or cows in."

'Well, technically, he is a dog.'

Thinking that, I grabbed Rona by the ear.

I think we need to move quickly to another place to be free from these stares.

----------------------------------------------------

While Nox was reuniting with his old comrades.

High above Eldain Academy, a voluptuous woman, floating in the air, cloaked in a transparent magical barrier, was watching Nox.

"So that's the one, huh? The disciple I'm supposed to train?"

"Yes! Crunch crunch! That's right!"

A familiar woman's voice came from beyond the magic stone hanging at her waist.

[dragon-fan]

Raising a Wolf: A furry visual novel (Devlog #2) Basic Mechanics

Another update after *Checks notes* a few weeks? Man, time sure flies when you're sick.

Doesn't matter. Recently I've made some improvements to the game, but I don't want to disclose them quite yet.

Today I wanted to talk about basic mechanics - what the game is about, since I didn't see a lot of visual novels doing this kind of stuff so I thought I'd explain the fundamentals at play here.

But first, I wanted to show those amazing character designs, made by @wheatu!

As you can guess by the title of the game, the main mechanic of the game is raising the kid. How do you do it? Well, by setting his schedule of course!

At first, you have limited selections of activities but as the game progress, more stuff opens up to you.

So far the schedule allows you to plan two activities for the kid and one "parent action", something you, the player character does while the kid does his own thing - for example you can try to work more to earn more money, however, it will come at the cost of your relationship with the kid.

Also fun fact - there were two other versions of the scheduler before I settled on the current one. And let me assure you, this one will definitely change too.

The next stop on our adventure through basics is the stats screen. I swear I remade this thing like four times, and I just can't be satisfied. Trust me, I'm only keeping this eyesore for testing purposes (so everyone playing and testing can see what is going on), and I will for sure change it into something more pleasing to the eyes in the near future.

On this screen, you can see the current stats and skills of the kid. What's the difference between the two? Stats are big colorful texts (Physical, Smart, Social, and Creativity), and each contains two skills (for example, Strength and Stamina are part of Physical), although I might add more.

The general idea for this system is that each stat is the sum of it's skills. So for example, if kid has 40 points in Art and 10 points in Music his creativity is a nice 50, which is quite a lot. During various trials and tribulations across the game, kid's abilities will be tested, sometimes by stats, sometimes by skills alone (for example, trying to join the sports team requires a high physical overall, however running for a long time requires just stamina.)

Besides stats you can also see here the level of kid's stress (if it reaches maximum kid will need a while to rest), parent's job (determined at the beginning of the game, it decides how much money you start with and earn each month), monthly income (determined by the previous point), and current money (which you can use to buy stuff for the kid.)

There's also wildness which is.... a bit harder to explain. And I think this post is already long enough (Thanks for reading so far by the way!)

I'm still working on the first draft of the script, and some features, but I'll try to make the next blog post soon... or at least sooner than my this one.

Thanks again for reading, and hope you'll have a good day!

[froizetta]

Fic Writing Review 2023

We're solidly into 2024 by now, and considering I posted my first anything in August this isn't exactly a full year review. But let's go!!

Words and Fics

134,798 words published to ao3 (um? how???)

It's all DC fic!!

Most recent (completed): What's In A Name?

Most recent (updated): (Love) Triangles Have Multiple Centers

Longest fic: An Honest Conversation (60k. Jesus. It was supposed to be a oneshot, what HAPPENED)

Top 3 by Comments

I'm copying burins and doing this by comments instead of kudos, because...well, why not. And wow, these are all superbat romcoms! Huh! I am predictable.

An Honest Conversation (you never forget your first! Idiots to FWB to lovers, with lots of mutual pining)

(Love) Triangles Have Multiple Centers (identity porn love square hijinks, current main WIP)

Padam Padam (a comedically pornographic reinterpretation of misattribution of arousal)

Personal Favorite

(Love) Triangles is probably the most fun to work on/plan out because comedy is where I feel most comfortable, but I think the one I'm most proud of is What's In A Name? It was a departure from my usual to write a story and relationship with a slightly darker tone, and it was fun letting myself get self-indulgently wanky with Themes and Parallels in what's basically a soft kink PWP. It feels like personal growth in more than one dimension!

Upcoming Projects for 2024

Ooh boy I have quite a few stories I'm eager to finish. Listed below in an order that makes sense to me, but that I couldn't for the life of me explain:

Bruce and Clark go on a Big Night Out to help Clark get over his recent break-up with Lois, having figured out how to get Clark drunk for the first time in his life. Thus ensues the kind of tragic love story you'd hear from that drunk girl crying in the club bathroom, but superbat.

The coming of age story for Super Sons Jon that I never got to read (thanks Bendis). Featuring bi panic, the horror of puberty, the EXTRA horror of puberty-plus-laser-vision, and Jon's questionable taste in crushes (aka Damian).

Superbat again, whoops. Another fluffy miscommunication romcom in which Bruce gets impatient waiting for his boyfriend Clark to make a move. (Clark does not in fact know that they are dating.)

Jason Todd genfic. It's in a document I've titled "Jason child abuse thing", which pretty much sums it up. A slightly darker character study about Jason's childhood pre-Bruce that's too self-indulgent to be comics accurate.

Departing briefly from DC, I also have a slightly ambitious (probably gen) post-canon fic for The Great Ace Attorney, because it's an excellent game series, and when I finished it I had a lot of Feelings about the way it ended. I took a break due to the DC brainrot, but I hope to return to it this year.

The above are all things I have words written for, but I also have a bunch of things I want to write but haven't nailed down enough detail for yet:

Cloisbat. I just think Bruce and Lois should get to be catty and jealous at each other over Clark, and then resolve their differences by double teaming him. I think they'd enjoy that.

Batlantern. Just...anything. I love their dynamic, but why can't I think of any good fic ideas? (Answer: I have read 0 GL comics.)

Something something Bruce/Constantine. I accidentally became invested after reading the Zatanna substory in Batman: Urban Legends. Also, I feel like Constantine would be fun as hell to write. (Zatanna could totally join too, if she wanted.)

Cat Grant/Lois. Look, I don't know where this came from either, but doesn't it feel like this should be more of a thing? I feel like it should be a thing. They're femme4femme but in opposite ways. They're foils. There's something there, I'm not crazy!

Rules and Tags

Rules: Feel free to show whatever stats you have. Only want to show Ao3 stats? Rock on. Want to include some qualitative info instead of stats? Please do this. Want to share unpublished stuff instead? Change how yours is presented? Absolutely do that. Would rather eat glass than do this? Please don’t eat glass but don’t feel like you have to do this either.

Tagged by @burins! Thanks, I really appreciate the tag!

Tagging: @unbreakabledawn @ginbenci and anyone else who wants to do this!

[eccentric-nucleus]

or like here is another game i played some in 2022: megaquarium

here’s the thing with megaquarium: it is not really an aquarium simulator. it’s much more of a “manage throughput of a theme park” simulator a la theme park, rollercoaster tycoon, etc. just the themes are aquarium boxes

things that are not covered in the simulated mechanics in megaquarium:

animals reproducing. no matter how many fish of the same species you have in the same aquarium, you will never get new fish. you gotta buy or trade for each new fish. this also means you never have to worry about overcrowding

animals dying of old age. with the above this means that fish populations never rise or fall unless you mess up and starve them to death / otherwise make their tank uninhabitable

animals eating plants. you can’t e.g., defray food pellet costs by planting an edible plant in the aquarium with a fish that eats it. all food comes in the form of pellets from food boxes

aquarium plant growth. some fish do grow, but no plants grow; they have constant stats and are effectively just another kind of decoration. so, again, no seeding a nwe aquarium with cuttings; you have to separately buy every plant you put down. some plants do impact water quality, but the game never asks you to engage with that by e.g., making a no-filter aquarium

anything to do with substrate. no deep substrates to foster different kinds of bacteria, no needing to ‘cycle’ a tank before fish are ready to be placed inside. there are 'live rocks’ you can put into a tank, which do some filtering, but again that’s a static bnus, and also you can put 'live rocks’ next to 'rocks’ and the rocks will never be colonized & turn into live rocks. “filter quality” is a numeric value that is the sum of all attached filters and the tank is just instantly at that water quality level

anything to do with different kinds of water. there are tropical fish, which require heaters, and coldwater fish, which require coolers, and there are light-needing corals and light-avoiding fish, but you never have to e.g., add tannins to a tank to make it suitable for fish that want blackwater conditions, or saltwater/brackish/freshwater fish that require certain salt levels

anything to do with water flow. you can’t pump water from a heavily-populated tank into a heavily-planted tank to increase the water quality; if you hook several tanks up to the same set of filters they just evenly split the filter values.

so like the level of 'simulation depth’ there is very shallow; you’re basically just placing mostly-inert fish-objects together with wholly-inert decoration-objects. aquariums can be better, by the metrics of the game, but they can't really be different. there's not a lot of room for personal judgement and design, because the rating metrics are so tight and the design space is so small. all the complex mechanical interactions are about controlling customer flow. so it’s less a game about fish simulation and more a directing-people simulator with some fish-themed objects

[theuniversitychallengereview]

Some Good Old Fashioned Number Crunching

Winningest

Imperial and Manchester are the two winningest institutions in University Challenge history.

Whenever I have used 'winningest' in the past I have always done so with an air of the tongue-in-cheek. With the assumption that it wasn't actually a real word, and that it was just something American sports commentators said. But it has just occurred to me that not everyone reading this will be consumers of American sports commentary, so to those people it may be coming across as bizarre at best, or just downright wrong.

However, in the manner of fleek, skibidi toilet and bae, it has entered the conventional and agreed upon lexicon. Language is constantly evolving, and as demonstrated by the wave of ever-cringier TikToks/adverts doing the rounds on Twitter this week, new terms are constantly being coined.

But back to Manchester and Imperial.

Let's Crunch Some Numbers

I have finally managed to do some data analysis. This is something I've been saying I was going to do for years, but I've never done it.

Until now.

I thought I'd need to write some proper code for it and (not knowing how to write proper code) have been put off.

What I was forgetting is that most of the time a Pivot table will do.

Pivot tables - the saviour of many a work-spreadsheet (and of my iTunes most played artists data, as I discussed in this month's Patreon post) - have come up clutch once again. (Coming up clutch is another American sports-ism, incidentally).

So I have crunched some numbers on these most winningest of teams, and can share some with you below.

Appearance Data

4-time winners Magdalen are the most appearingest (okay, this one isn't a real word) Oxbridge college with 1 more appearance than Trinity, Cambridge (themselves 3-time winners).

I initially had Durham 4th, but at the last minute I spotted an oversight - 11 of their appearances had been logged as "Uni of Durham" rather than "Durham Uni". It is very possible that there are more errors like that in the data, so if you spot any mistakes please let me know.

But how many points have each of these institutions scored, I hear you ask. I hear you clamouring for that information, actually - and here it is.

So far we have done some counting (to get the number of appearances), and some adding (to get the sum of the points), but we haven't done any real number crunching, which is what I promised.

I have removed institutions with fewer than 10 episodes, because thats the kind of thing you do when you are crunching numbers. I will also note that although some of the teams look like they have the same points per game, when you go to multiple decimal places the order is correct. I could have made this more obvious by adding the decimal places to the table, but I think that would have made it a bit busy.

I don't want to waste all my stats ammo on one post, so let's move onto the episode - could Imperial start closing the appearance gap on Manchester?

If you want to watch the episode beforereading the rest of the post you can do so here.

Here's your first starter for ten.

Sutherland is first out of the gate for Manchester, but unfortunately her guess of moth is wrong. I had guessed butterfly, so was thinking for a second that she may have been quite unlucky, but Spry buzzes correctly with armadillo so she (and I) can't feel too hard done by.

A full set of bonuses on maritime republics (called thalassocracies), which are not to be confused with hydraulic empires (which is a civilisation ruled by a monopoly on the water supply, like in Mad Max: Fury Road), gives Imperial (another word relating to empires) a 30-point lead. This quickly becomes 55 thanks to Salamanca Camacho and a hat-trick on mythology.

Spry buzzes on the next starter and pulls a face like he thinks he's screwed up, but his guess of Kissinger is correct, and it is allowed by Rajan who lightly scolds him for the slight delay in answering. They finally drop a bonus, giving Versailles instead of Paris, and Easow follows this up by dragging Manchester out of the negatives with theravada.

Sign up for The University Challenge Review

Could this be the turning point in the match?

Spoiler - it was not.

Manchester lost another five points thanks to a precocious buzz, and Elkouby picked it up to reaffirm Imperial's control. Spry's third put the London side into three figures, and they continued their charge from there.

Imperial are looking ominous at this point, which is perhaps unsurprising given their recent pedigree in this competition. Because while they have only won one more title than Manchester, three of their five wins have come in the past five years, while Manchester haven't won for eleven years. And indeed Manchester's semi-final appearance last year was their first at that stage since their 2013 victory.

Which makes Manchester the fallen giant of University Challenge, with Imperial rising to challenge their dynastic run from 2006 to 2013 in which they never failed to make it to at least the semi-finals.

No Mercy

Going into the music round, Imperial hold a lead of 140 points. Manchester's only hope is to squeeze their way into a high-scoring loser spot, but that would be possible only with the help of Imperial, who show no signs of letting up. Spry turns to Salamanca Camacho, clearly the classical music expert of the team, and he buzzes confidently with Rhapsody in Blue to take the starter.

The man from Madrid brings up Imperial's double-century, before Easow wakes Manchester from their slumber with Walt Whitman. It was going to take a huge effort to even break into triple figures from here, but Crossley wasn't going to give up with out a fight, taking their second consecutive starter with Congo.

Imperial 310 - 75 Manchester

Its early, but Imperial look like one of the teams to beat again this year (along with their fellow 300-ers Bristol). Manchester can count themselves unlucky to have come up against such a juggernaut. At the very least they managed to add one more appearance to their existing record, which Imperial are coming for.

Join me next week for Reading (19 apps) vs Exeter (24 apps), and subscribe if you haven't already for more excellent data analysis.

[ilikereadingactually]

Godly Heathens

Godly Heathens by H. E. Edgmon

i went back and forth on this book all the way through reading it. i think it's not quite for me, but i can easily imagine the readers who will really love it! it's got some compelling moments and an interesting premise, and it's such a hugely delightful experience to read about trans characters in a plot that's not totally centered around the struggles of being trans. those stories absolutely have a place, but i love reading about people just doing wild things while also being trans. i also really specifically enjoyed the embodiment of transness in this book--different kinds of trans bodies, people wearing binders, top surgery scars, attraction rooted in physical sensation, pronouns often decoupled from physical descriptions even as pronouns were shifting back and forth. WHAT! A! DELIGHT!

the plot had a comic-booky feel to me, in a fun way! alternate universes, reincarnated gods, magical power and weird memory things, all pretty neat in concept. i honestly think a graphic novel adaptation of this book would be very fun and might work better for me personally. it's very fast-moving, and i've found that i usually need a little more time to get to know and love the characters before i can follow along with a story that escalates as quickly as this one does. the pacing and characterization often strained my suspension of disbelief and the twists were easier to see coming than i prefer, but for a different reader i think it would be thrilling and full of little surprises and turns! (and i know a lot of readers like a fuckboy--character's own assessment--a bit more than i do lmao)

i was really into the theme of balance happening in the book though, on every level from the cosmic good and bad of two different worlds to the very personal balance of the biracial, nonbinary main character! the push and pull between aspects of their gender, their god-heritage passed through one parent and Seminole heritage passed through the other, their opposing relationships--everything tied back to the balance theme, which was fantastic.

the ending is really where i got hung up. i enjoy a good cliffhanger, something that introduces a new conflict or problem or goal to draw you into the next book in a series after the main conflict of the book you're reading has been resolved. that's not quite what happened here; what seemed to me to be the main conflict, the latest incarnation of a battle between these various gods, came down to a choice made in the very last moment, with the resolution presumably yet to come in the next book. so for me, it's wanting without getting satisfaction versus wanting, feeling the satisfaction of triumph or tragedy, and then discovering that there's more and wanting that. this is probably less of a turn off for folks without ADHD, but i need that big dopamine hit!!

i want to end on a high note though, so let me sum up by saying that this is an exciting and speedy, snappy book that i think a lot of readers will really enjoy!

the deets

how i read it: an e-galley from NetGalley. i got a bunch of approvals all at once recently so look forward to several more galley reviews from me in the near future! love that phase in the marketing where it's getting close to the pub date and the publishers look at my extremely average stats and go "yeah ok we've approved all the useful reviewers already, we can throw her a bone"

try this if you: delight in a majority-trans cast, dig a speedy pace, crave a little horror tinge in your fantasy, or like a little complicated and messy relationship stuff on the side.

a line i really liked:

"But let's not overstate our similarities. I've built my dominion on wonder and yearning. You are the king of cacoëthes. Your kingdom knows only bloodshed and damnation."

I literally do not even know what cacoëthes is. Dream-me is so big-brained and sexy.

pub date: November 28, 2023!

[kazamastar]

Welcome to 2023

Version 1.0 - Ok let's go. I'm really happy to greet you on this December 31 2022 18h06, because it means this sum up has great chances to come out on time ! (Well, more or less, si je fais pas le papillon entre temps.) Yes, compared to the sum up of last year, we will switch back to English for this one. Why ? Without thinking much, I'd say that among all the events that happened to me in 2021, none of those described were private, intimate. (Well I just read it again and it seems I'm wrong but whatever). Reading it again is interesting because it could do a good starting point to this one. To be honest, I'm writting right now with a few notes but nothing really ... structured. So this is the moment when I warn every reader : this sum up is something personal that I write above all for me, so my priority is that I understand myself when I read it again. When I say that, I talk about the events/facts that I relate without getting too much into details or telling who it might concern. But I'm sure that if you recognize yourself in the events I'm talking about, it might be about you. In fact I (almost) never give names. Only nicknames based on numbers (might be odd and dehumanizing but idk ... no names seems like a natural rule to me). So, I need to be going fast so here's the plan : giving a good 2nd part of this intro, finding the illustration, and then getting into serious business with the real recap of this year 2022. A lot of stuff will be mentionned here. I'd like to remember all the movies and tv shows that I followed this year (Better call saul, for example). Here's the thing : I write to remember. I know my memory is bad so I like to write things to remember them. I like to write neutral things (stats, how much wins in Tekken, number of posts on this Tumblr etc) but I also like to write about feelings. Feelings by definition are not lasting in time. So this is the reason why I wanted to write this sum up on time and I'll try to express it in French. Je m'en serais voulu que ce post appartienne trop à 2023. En le postant (ou du moins en le commençant lol) en 2022 je sais que je capture ma pensée de 2022 et aucunement celle de 2023. Donc ca fait garder une complete ignorance de 2023.  This will be important later in this text. We don't know what 2023 will be made of. For instance, we have already seen years I praised some people believing they were good people and they were gone the next year. But that's life isn't it. But the problem I'm facing this year might be a bit different, but I'll also detail that later. So, what are we going to talk about in the following lines ? That's the great question. It will be very meta and this whole thing might be a lot of words to express someething that could surely be said simpler. So if you're going to read that entirely please don't be too disapointed at the end. Oh. that makes me think this year we will be using emojis to make it slightly less painful to read. Or at least, easier to read diagonally (I'm not sure if this will work but nevermind (nvmd) I have to try, I swear scrolling through the 2020 sum up feels like scrolling though the Bible). The fun thing is that I want to make it long but I kinda need to hurry because 2022 ends in less that 6 hours. So here's the plan : 1st i'll try to give all the subjective things : numbers of all kinds, tv shows, movies, karate data, and all I'll be able to think of. 2ndly I'll talk bout the goals of this text. Then, because art results from contraints, we'll be talking about the ones I'll impose to myself to write this. 4th might be a comparison to the previous sum up, 5th the precise recap of marking events that year followed by random thoughts (might be the the most evolutive part as this sum up will not come out in time).

Pic : "Family business"

Funny I didn't pick a black and white picture. And I have too much hair on this one. But I'm already missing my hair, hope it grows back quickly.

So here we are, for real. By now you must know we're January 2nd. I really wanted it to come out in time but finally I have a few things to say so I made the choice to not rush it. So I'm not going to rush it but because I want it to release asap, I'm going to make a few choices to talk about the most significant subjects I'll find. SO, here you'll find a whole paragraph talking about ; TV shows, movies, karate data (competitions) Tumblr Stats : 4155 posts and 73 drafts. 16 655 likes (oh they diminished ! Guess ppl are deleting their tumblrs). 799 followers. Usually I take time to thank all these followers but let's be honest these are only bots  I know I'm alone in this whole tumblr adventure but it's cool that way (If I wanted to make it public i'd go to instagram or tiktok or wherever the young folks are ahah).

Ok. I'm alone in this adventure and I'm writting for me. But what's the purpose of this whole thing ? The goal is to be intimate and honest. No matter how long after I read it again, I want those lines to remind me of everything in the moment present. I'll remember the rush it is to make it come out in time for instance. I don't want these feelings to be forgotten. If you know me, you know I have a fetish for dates. For example, I know dates like January 29th, June 26th, August 18th, October 19th or December 15th have proven to be lucky for me. But the thing when you remember everything is you also remember the painful memories. That's why I stopped having agendas a few years ago. It is funny to mark down everything that mattered on with the precise date but now I want to leave room for my "true" memory. Not stuff i wrote. Idk if that makes sense. If an event affects me, I want to remember it because it made me feel something strong (but not necessarily good). This is where this text is important. Arbitrarily, I have the choice to write about the things I want to remember later (as we know my memory is weak af). But I'm not gonna sugarcoat it (lol I love this expression). I said it will be honest. But I'm keeping in mind this is still public so I still have to weigh my words. Writing at the end of the year allows me to step back from the events of the year (easier to do with January than december but it's the thought that counts.)The goal of this text is also to be full (complet). If we forget the lack of time I have, by the end of November I already felt the urge to write. That might mean I had something to get off my chest, and the events of December didn't help and overflew me with emotions but I'm only taking time now to pour them out in words. I'm having a lot of thoughts. Most of them are about getting old. I don't know if I already said it but finally, I can start understanding all these Disney villains trying to be forever young and stuff. That's fascinating. I'm also thinking a lot about karate, competition, family, friendships and relationships. I'm thinking a lot about myself, how I evolved and how I can be better than I was and overall a better human. But still, I want to improve, but I still think I'm not good enough to be part of a couple. Funny uh ? This sum up is also a way for me to try new things, experiment. I still don't know in which form but I'd love to make 2021 2022 and 2023's sums up a trilogy, so it would be interesting to really compare this on to the previous and make bets on the future year of 2023.

"L'art naît des contraintes". I LOVE this concept. When I write this, it's almost always the sames. Now we'll start talking about substance and form. The most obvious here is : french is my mother tongue but I'm still writing in English. 3 main reasons for this. First : I love English language and it's a very interesting exercice to find myself writting in English at least once a year. I also think this is a language which is "less precise" than French but it permits it to draw better pictures with words. I'm still getting more comfortable with english speaking videos on youtube (thanks to Eric Rosen and GothamChess, to only name these). But it can be more annoying for my relatives who don't like english that much and I'm sorry for that. The second reason is I have the feeling that writing in another language allows me to take distance from what I write. It gives me a feeling of objectiveness (even if what I'm writing is very personal). Third reason : I want to keep away not interested readers. Idk like, curious people I might know, or  ppl who are not in my life anymore (but I'm a bit screwed if their English is good lol). 2 others contraints are : date and length. This is where it's getting complex. First, I want it to be long. Also for the unwanted curious people. But overall I want it to be a good sum up, a positive one. So if I want to talk about something good, a good year that happened to me I want it to even look big. But this year, i'll try to make it lighter to read. I'll use paragraphs. And ... that's the best I can do (thinking of it again, i'm not sure I'll be able to fill this text with emojis). I also want it to be long because all of these words are hiding something. It would be deadly personnal if I just opened my heart and write my feelings in plain sight. But the more I write, the more it gives me comfort as I know my important words will be drowned in all these lines. So I know I can express myself pretty freely. I express myself so freely that I might even say everything and its contrary here. Because some things make me feel complex things.The last contraint is that I wanted to make it before 2023 for simple reasons. The first is that I want to prove myself I'm doing ok on this end of 2022. This might look simple but not so simple seen how this end of the year has been challenging me on a whole lot of levels. But I'm doing fine and I want to prove it by releasing this text on time. Because now nothing keeps me away from functionning correctly. Which has not been the case some previous years because some troubles kept taking me forces to just survive. But thank God now it's not the case. Let's not get mistaken here. This year have been challenging. But it's not ending "that bad". So I told myself "You're doing fine so you can do your sum up on time." ... well at least, I could start on time. I overestimated myself thinking I could write this under 24/48h but it's my bad lol. Another one of my contraint : I want to keep anonymous the people I'm talking about, and for that I'll stay elusive about the events I'm talking about. If you're involved, you'll know what I talk bout reading it (if i did write correctly). I think this is a cool way to share a little bit more of intimacy and complicity. Plus if what I wrote made you smile or made you feel well you know where to read it again. :)

So : let's compare to 2021 sum up. Let's see what have changed, where I was right, wrong. The 2021 was short so this shouldn't be too difficult.

Comparaison au sum up précédent. Well, the first thing I see is : "welcome to 2022" have not been posted in time lol. 2 months late. But I was just lazy but still functioning (even though December '21 and January '22 have been tough). This is funny, the VPN hidden visitor stopped visiting. I guess one can run out of curiosity. The previous one was interesting because I could start talking about the photography to explain how the year went. But this year the photo is a bit more ... casual. I've not been present at this xmas at my cousin's house. So no tuxedo photo for me. What a rough evening. As 2021 have been marked by a real rupture, 2022 have been a lot more steady ... But still not boring. "Some years ask questions and some years answer." I think this year I've asked myself more questions than I've answered. This is crazy because when I wrote the previous one in February, war in Urkaine already started so this is what I mean when I say "Writting the sum up right on time allows to not spoil any of the 2023 events in it". Like, a war in Europe in 2022 ? This is crazy. Even my dear DB have been worried about this situation even if it's a bit far from her hometown. Last year I talked a lot about this tumblr coming to an end. I still think what I wrote but like I said, I would like to give a happy end to this blog. This can easily become a hard thing to accomplish. Here are the ends I'm thinking of. The most obvious one would be to find a lover and ending it with her. Another way would be to be successful in karate, in a precise objective I'd have given myself. I have a few in minds, some more realistic than others, but it could happen. Or the third would be to be fully accomplished, solving all the issues I have and going forward. (Or even end it because I'd be artistically  satisfied with my tumblr). The funny thing about this year is that I could almost have ended this tumblr because of the 1st reason. Among the questions I've asked myself this year, there was "are you ready to put a woman in the middle of your life?" and I guess the answer was no, as I already could answer by the end of 2022. 1st, being able to ask myself this question is already a HUGE step forward in possibly finding someone. But it's not that clear. I've been facing this question a bit in a hurry situation. And those who know me know I'm not a fan of pressures under whatever forms. I don't like time pressure. But when the timming goes wrong, what can you do ? To be honest I started asking myself questions by November. But I wasn't thinking into it that much. Even though I was already pretty involved (a lot of kms have been driven those 2 months, but I don't regret any), I still took it pretty lightly because I was confident. In fact my biggest mistake was to think "Now time works with me. We're here and we're on the same wavelength (what a funny word), all we have to do is to get to know each other better and better." ... My friends what a mistake. So this is how I learned that time never works with you. Learnt it the hard way but not that hard. To be 100% honest, I've already had nightmares of this before she confessed to me she found someone else. So I didn't fall from any piedestal, thank God. In fact, while I write I remember all the previous sum ups and I remember telling myself "You should put yourself in the center of your sum ups" but for this year I want to change a bit. I would like to put ❤️ in the middle of this sum up. I want to talk about love. Because one of the biggest question of this year was "If the woman you've been waiting for all these years would show up, would you recognize her ?" and once again the answer was not that obivous. I'm talking about the downs of the relationship we have but be sure you'll read about her perfectness, from head to toes, and her lovely brown/green eyes who look even better when they're watching me but sorry I digress. So this tumblr is closer to the end than the begining, but I guess we will all see it coming. I already mentionned the lack of time I was victim of. 2022 didn't make it better. I'm reluctant to talk about all that here but I can't deny it took a lot of place in my life. Even though I don't define myself by my "wroking value". But I guess when my work is an argument mentionned when I'm explained why I'm not worthy of a couple, we can say it's pretty invading. But it's not like I ignored it. Maybe I've been thinking backwards on this. I remember thaking God last year telling myself "I can live this lifestyle because I have nobody in my life" so I shouldn't be surprised when a woman tells me "There's no place for me in your life". I'm a bit scarred my choices already put me on a path of loneliness. Yes, this is a real fear, but I'm quietly preparing to it. Being lonely on the bad days was the worst, but we can say I adapted a bit. So, I'm getting used to this idea, and starting preparing my dad also for this idea. This December 18th was a challenging day, as much as the whole following week have been. I'm talking about the 1st medal post covid in 2021 but 2022 saw the 1st loss after ~20 years (17 or 18 years to be precise) being undefeated in Midi-Pyrénées. Also on that December 18th. Still trying to recover from that loss but I think I'll do fine. I've seen others. But the karate question have been very present this year. As a competitor and as a sensei. In 2021 I wrote down "what goes up must come down" and hell I came down in 2022. But we know that's how it goes nobody stays up forever (except for lovers who can support each others for long periods of time). I'm still inspiring some kids but I have the feeling this year I have to be here for them if I don't want to waste anything. We could end with a very strong family but now as a turning point I guess. But I still have 2~4 years to hold on at least before I could retire. I'm still into chess. I met a woman I just played chess with, it was a very curious encounter but a fun one.

Now predictions for 2023 ... the ones for 2022 were pretty accurate indeed, if we forget that I was not ready to cross the path of a woman that phenomenal.  Yes it was a quiet year because nothing serious happened. By that, I mean my father health was better than never, we went to the gym together and all so I couldn't ask for more :) Now the 1st thing that I can think of is ... Sunday, February 26th will be a date. Maybe answers will be given. Otherwise ... This will be a year of changes, hope it won't be too rough. I always hope for a peaceful year. I like those. I always say "It's better to be bored than dealing with issues". Could be my motto, I don't know. For last year, I remember wishing to stay focused on "competition and currency" ... Guess I'm still on these motives, more prepared than ever ! ⚡️ The truth is I don't like to predict things, because I'm scared to jinx myself putting them into words, idk if that makes sense. Oh there's one major project I need to talk about ! The MADAGASCAR 2023 trip with CP !!!!! This will be something.

There are events through this year I'd like to highlight. The stay at Montpellier. 1st medal post covid. 1st trip as an "adult". Still losing against the Empire ... Saint-Quentin, which became very personal. Oh, my 1st radio interview ! That was funny. We've also seen the 1st burnouts. A very lovely day at the museum. & a movie seen besides a castle, through a big big screen. I surely posted photos through the year. I'll check if I might not have forgotten some. My 1st female chir. Incredible. Who in a way could have been the best encounter of the year. But then came October 19th ... Well, this is the moment when it turns into a love story. If you read this long, congratulations you found the core of this whole text. Because these feelings are too strong. I need to write them out of me so I can go ahead. It would allow me to forget them so my head is free for more stuff coming. Because I'd know they're kept intact somewhere, here precisely. So October 19th the 1st messages led us to Halloween, October 31st. What an evening. Would it be too mellow to go through the whole thing ? I could. But I'd rather make it quick for this time. Maybe once this whole gigantic thing is written I'll write especially about this day. Because wow ... I'm not pretending to be a Casanova or something. But the fact is that I've seen a lot of dates. Some went terribly wrong. Funny memories to talk about tho. Others ... I'll forget them sooner or later. I remember them from time to time. Some went very well, with lovely people, doing lovely things. And others where you can feel the whole universe pushing yourselves together. The attraction was crazy, the whole atmosphere was ... Idk. It was cloudy and a bit oppressive but there was romance in the air. But a warm one. Things took an unexpected turn at ... "Hello" ahaha. I'm half kidding but I'm realising I might not remember her first words because I was too focused on her smile, the 1st thing I noticed. It reminded me suddenly of the quote "In order to seduce her, I should make her laugh. But everytime she laughed I'd fall back in love with her, again." And then I told myself "Well ... what a lovely smile and then I had the whole evening to stare at those beautiful brown eyes. Brown/green if you want to be precise. And then this whole body ... See, there's one thing I sure like in a woman. Simplicity. Like ... Women showing off their goods are in their total right, I respect and appreciate that. But when a woman is not showing off that much about what she has then you see it from your own eyes........ That feeling can hardly be equaled. And here was the case. She. Was. So. Damn. Fine. Slim waist, fat booty. But to be honest I was prepared if things went down, but she was so interesting that I felt it would still have been a great evening. We already talked a lot but getting to know her in real was awesome. I knew thanks to the vocals but her cute little lilting accent was lovely to hear in reality, not through a phone. We talked about a lot of things. In a lot of places. We talked in a tea saloon for ... 20mins and went out because they were too busy to serve us, so we just left. Funny we didn't even get angry. Nothing could have disturb us that night, it was like the city was ours.  This is a feeling I love to get. It's when you're wandering through a city, with someone you love. Even everything around seems more beautiful. For our 1st meal we chose Pitaya. It was cool. We went back home and I'll just talk bout "perfect timing" and "thunderstorm". Indeed I wouldn't even have words to describe this. But maybe what happened between us might stay between us. Then we have November 13th. A lucky day, even if it was a Sunday. Wednesday, November 16th in the A. Then 24 hours together back in the T. on November 26th. My little fountain. (Sorry for showing off but ... come on I'm so proud!). The evening of Friday, December 9th. At yours. It was a funny afternoon. And a lovely night. I had to wake up early this time but the travel back to Toulouse was ... easy. It's easier when you're still feeling like you're floating because you just spent the night with someone you have a "heavy crush" on. But it was more than that, but I never asked myself deeply because we said we "didn't put words in it". Which is now a bit ironic seen how much words I'm using actually to relate those feelings. So guys, I listed the dates because I love dates but also to count. So it takes 5 dates to fall in love. So 4 is the limit, don't go beyond lol. Because after all that comes ... Thursday, December 22nd. I don't know if I have much to say about this. It's the breaking point. Oh, indeed I guess I have a few things to say about our last date. I don't think I'm wrong when I say love was in the air. But then came something else. A kind of bitterness. The same taste when you mix love and sorrow. To be honest, a lot of my previous relationships in which I was very involved didn't end well. Most of times with a very brutal break up. So putting a peaceful end to something that strong ... That clearly never happened to me. I must admit it caught me a bit off guard and I didn't know how to act. I remember waking up in the night, I was having trouble sleeping so I turned on Tekken 7. This is what I do when I want to take away my attention from my problems. Or turn my negatives feelings into something. I can't remember if I was winning or losing. But after playing a long time, I froze and realized "Dude there's the woman of your dreams in your bed and you're playing here, wtf are you doing ?????" and I went back to bed to hold her as tight as I can, "as long as I can". It's a very weird feeling to have someone in front of you, someone you have lots of affection for, but telling yourself your time is running out. It was hard to enjoy all of it but I did my best.  Which was surely enough because I keep a great memory of this day. I'm very thankful for being able to live a peaceful end. But it's easier when the other person inspires you nothing but kindness. Decisions are way clearer. Even if the best decision is not always the easy one. [I'm scared of the distance it will create between us. I don't know how long, I don't know in which form but having a special place is not opposite of being distant. But I'm already missing her. If one day she misses me, I hope she knows well that feeling is mutual.] But I'm not done telling my year. Because the end of this love story is only one part of what made the end of the year tough. Because there also was a certain 1h ride back home that changed a lot of things. In fact, I like to see people with dedication, longevity. Being able to perform (at whatever level) for a long period of time forces admiration. Whether you like the guy or not, you can't deny he's here. But for the 1st time since 2005 I've lost Midi Pyrénées. What an awful day. Guess it was a day made for the bests to arrive 2nd lol. But I won't talk much about it, but I'm so curious if I'll be able to take revenge in 2023.

Pensées de fin (~random)_ In photography this year, I was inspired a lot by Better Call Saul. Then I ran through Yt to find guys putting in words  why this is such a visual mastepiece. It was so interesting. I got a new  cellphone (Google Pixel 6) so having a better camera makes me  automatically curious of testing it in a lot of situations (Rest Easy  Oneplus 5 tho). I still have my photography eye opened, trying to not  miss a shot. I'm not sure if everything that needed to be posted was  posted but nvmd. For Tekken, Which kind of progress did we see ? "The bad players beat who they can,  the good ones beat who they want." A bit far from that. But I've a  better understanding of the game. Lidia is insane to play, very very  fun. For the stats, I'm really proud to say I hit Ryujin rank this year so it makes me officially "Ryujin Njaka" haha. I have a Victory/Defeats ratio of 11 930/23 349 which makes 51,09% wins. Talking about winning, I cockily thought I've finished the game of seduction. But realized that by the very end of the year. I mean, it's kind of stupid to think like that because no one is able to seduce 100% of the people one wants. But still, I found a lot of satisfaction seeing some people I found very attractive found me very also very attractive in return (coucou Alexia).

Series Better call saul > kim et jimmy, rapport a la photo, aux plans For example I'll develop later but Better Call Saul was incredible to follow this year. Made me think about a lot of things. Well "Gotham" Incredible to know better the roots of all the Batman story. Very very cool. Visually very .. bold. Stranger things Season 4 : Awesome !!! 1st stranger thing like an horror movie ... Insane. Avatar started again in April ... The Umbrella Acadmy was interesting. Tekken Bloodline on Netflix was great.

Mangas One Piece : we saw the gear 5th !!! Insane reveals.

Films Doctor Strange 2 : Insane !!!!! I watched again Lilo & Stitch. One Piece Red, supposedly the last One Piece movie. It was cool, great setting for watching the movie.

Musique We heard a lot of "Toko toko" and "Last last" this year.

En parlant de temps : 23:33 à lire le recap 2020. Et je vois que l'ecrire m'a pris : 40 JOURS.

[Vendredi 30 Decembre - 11h06. Salut. Je ne sais pas où tu en es dans ta lecture mais on va reprendre de zero. Si tu as lu jusque là, félicitations déjà. Ce post doit être long long long. J'ai relu tous les posts de ce genre pour faire celui là, en lisant plus ou moins en diagonale. J'aime bien la dimension que ce post soit écrit à temps parce que ca fige l'instant et les sentiments. Enfin, pour cette fois je veux que ça le soit. C'est donc pour ca que ce post va être long, parce que je veux qu'il soit daté. Je veux voir si dans quelques années je serais gêné d'avoir écrit tout ça (auquel cas je supprimerai ce paragraphe) ou si ... Le timming  s'avère être plus indulgent envers nous. Je parle de nous parce que tu as trouvé la lettre "cachée" dans ce post extra long. Je casse le 4e mur mais je pense que ça va être fait de manière très maladroite, encore une fois pour rendre ce post le plus long possible. Comme tu sais je raisonne toujours en terme de fond et de forme. Ici, rallonger le texte dans sa forme globale devrait décourager la plupart des gens à continuer à lire. Mais je me dis que si toi tu ecrivais un texte LONG ou tu racontes ta vie je serais content de le lire donc voici le mien. En vrai j'ai aucune idée de si je vais réussir à le faire plus long ... Bref je papillone ahah. Donc bienvenue à toi 0305 ! Normalement, tu n'as pas lu ton prénom et tu le liras pas. Mais on sait tous les deux que là, ce qui va suivre est pour toi ... Samedi 31 Decembre - 18h45. C'est marrant. Aujourd'hui tu m'as demandé de faire d'écrire comme si personne n'allait me lire. Mais c'est impossible. En vrai je suis trop content que tu me lises, donc comme je disais je pense que c'est normal de récompenser ses lecteurs, et dans mon cas ma lectrice. En fait, là je fais une pause dans l'écriture du résumé de cette année pour bien écrire cette lettre et être sur que j'ai un max d'attention disponible pour être sûr que tout ce que j'ai à te dire soit bien dit. Mais du coup, comme je n'ai pas encore écrit le résumé, je ne sais pas ce que j'ai pu bien dire sur toi donc s'il y a des redondances je te prie de m'excuser, j'essaie humblement de mettre en mots tout ce que je ressens et tout ce que cette année 2022 m'a inspiré. En fait, quand j'écris ce résumé, je me demande chaque année "de quoi je vais parler, qu'est ce que je vais mettre au centre de tout ça ?" et puis j'ai pensé à observer le lien entre le fond et la forme. "Est-ce que les résumés les plus longs relatent les années les plus heureuses ? ou les plus tristes?" De fil en aiguille je me suis fait une reflexion importante : je veux que ce résumé sorte à temps parce que dans ma vie tout va bien, rien ne m'empeche de fonctionner au point que ce résumé ne sorte pas à temps et aussi je veux qu'il soit long parce que je veux continuer à irradier le positif. Puis même en y réflechissant, ça doit pas être interessant un looooong paragraphe d'un mec qui fait que se plaindre. Donc je veux mettre en avant le positif de 2022 et une manière très simple de le faire c'est de te rendre honneur puisque tu es tout simplement ma meilleure rencontre de cette année 2022. Une vraie tornade, et également la rencontre que j'attendais pas non plus cette année. En fait, il faut savoir que j'aime ce genre de rencontres. Pardon, il faut que je perde l'habitude de parler au pluriel. Ca me permet de me distancier dans ma manière d'écrire, mais y'a pas de pluriel à avoir puisque je m'adresse a toi (toi, toi, toi ... c'est comme l'écho dans les chansons de Nek ahah). Donc pas de pluriel, parce que tout ça c'est entre toi et moi. J'ai aimé notre rencontre. Je le répète en boucle mais ... le tonnerre du premier soir ? Rien que ça, ça suffit à dire que c'était pas une rencontre comme les autres. C'était vraiment une soirée incroyable. Et j'essaie de mettre au maximum ce que je ressens pour toi à l'écrit pour beaucoup de raisons. La première c'est que pendant deux mois je ne l'ai pas fait, donc je veux être sur que les termes soient bien dits, et surtout pour qu'on garde une trace de tout ça, et que ça reste vif quand on le lit. Je pense que ça serait un récapitulatif réussi si quand je le relirais dans quelques années ça me rapelle les souvenirs avec toute la bonne nostalgie qui va avec. Parce que comme je te le disais au téléphone la dernière fois : tout va bien. C'est vrai qu'on a l'impression de jouer nos vies parce qu'on sent que quelque chose de puissant peut se passer, mais il faut dédramatiser, et arrêter d'être tristes comme si on allait sortir de la vie de l'autre, parce que c'est pas vrai. J'ai envie de continuer à faire partie de ta vie et c'est réciproque, on ne se déteste pas, même si je suis jaloux à en crever de S. .... non je plaisante ahah (meme si évidemment je suis un petit peu jaloux hein). Mais ici, pas de place à la jalousie. Même si mon but c'est d'être un maximum honnête, j'aimerais mettre l'accent sur les sentients qui comptent. (Je me rends compte que des sentiments tu m'en inspires deja 100.000 mais bon, Je vais essayer de commencer quelque part). Ce qui me plait dans le fait d'écrire sur mes sentiments pour toi, c'est que je peux pas m'empecher de me demander si je regretterai ces mots, si quand je les relirai dans 6 mois, 1 an, 10 ans ils auront beaucoup changé ou pas. En vrai notre relation peut encore évoluer beaucoup, donc peut etre que quand je parle "d'herbe coupée sous le pied" j'éxagère un peu, peut-être qu'il nous reste encore beaucoup d'options pour faire évoluer nos liens, en dépit du manque de chance évident. J'étais sur le point d'écrire les scenarios qui m'auraient le plus plu, mais j'aurais peur de me porter la poisse en les mettant en mots. Le temps passe et j'aimerais en arriver au coeur de la lettre. Toutes ces lignes étaient là pour cacher ça, le plus important et le plus intime. Ce que j'aimerais que tu retiennes de cette lettre, c'est que notre rencontre est exceptionnelle et j'ai un respect pour toi qui est immense. En tant que femme, en tant qu'amie, en tant qu'humaine .... Et dans ton rapport avec moi t'as toujours été bienveillante. Tu fais partie des personnes les plus vertueuses que j'ai pu rencontrer et c'est pour ça que je relativise notre "fin prématurée" parce que je suis très fier et heureux de pouvoir faire partie de ton entourage. J'aurais été encore plus heureux et fier de me tenir à tes côtés comme un amoureux mais ça c'est autre chose. Autre chose que j'aurais fait avec grande grande joie. L'une des choses qui m'a le plus touché c'est que tu me vois comme j'aimerais qu'on me voie. Et ça c'est indescriptible. Tu es d'une franchise sans épreuve aussi. C'est très agréable d'échanger avec toi parce que je sais que jamais tu maquilles ta manière de penser. T'es honnête, et aussi t'es simple. En parlant de maquiller ... je m'attarderai pas à détailler comme je te trouve incroyablissime physiquement de la tête aux pieds, sinon ce texte risque d'être vraiment long. Mais c'est exactement ce genre de détails qui font que t'as été un vrai ouragan dans ma vie. Un ouragan qui m'a fait me questionner mes priorités et mes principes. L'une des questions que je me suis posé pour comprendre pourquoi on en est là aujourd'hui c'est : "et si j'avais été prêt plus tot, il se serait passé quoi ?" et c'est une question interessante je trouve. C'est pas la réponse qui compte, mais c'est le fait de s'etre posé la question en soit. Parce que la prochaine fois que je serai face à quelqu'un qui me remuera jusqu'au fin fond de mon ame, je serai un petit peu plus préparé à cette éventualité et à tout ce qui peut en découler. Pour finir, c'est pour ça que je tenais à écrire ça en 2022. Pour que mes sentiments et mes espoirs en toi soient intacts quand je relirai ça. PS : Oh et je viens de penser. Je suis content de commencer 2023 avec toi et je serai content d'avoir plein de nouveaux souvenirs de nous à raconter dans mon prochain résumé, dans 12 mois. Bisous.

2022 Playlist :

Kaza - Sincère Travis Scott - sdp interlude Pedro Sampaio - Dançarina Tayc - Comme un samedi Kekra - Realest  #HLM Fresh - Chop Gambi - Petete Burna Boy - Last Last Orelsan - Shonen Vald & Orelsan - Péon Dinos - Simyaci Negrito Senpai - Equipage (One Piece)

Mention spéciale : Sebastien Tellier - La ritournelle

PS : 09/02/2023 23:51 _ Punaise. Enfin fini. ça m'a épuisé ahah. Vous me pardonnerez le baclage de la fin, mais 40 jours de retard c'est trop, il faut en finir ahah. Puis bon, J'oublie toujours pas que j'ai une lectrice qui attend, en esperant qu'elle lira quand même ça avec engouement. Mais plus jamais un récap si long lol. La vie de ma mère je me relis pas.

[crellanstein]

Prodigious

I find it odd how the fandom focuses so much on Aang’s childhood being ruined when he learned he was the Avatar at 12, but there’s very little talk about how discovering she was the Avatar as a toddler affected Korra’s life and how she was raised.

But we’ll circle back to that...

Because this is a good starting point to talk about one of the most prevalent themes in the story, which the mainstream discussion of tends to only focus on a few characters -- That is the Child Prodigy. 

We’ll start with the two most obvious. The ones we always talk about.

Azula.

The clearest example of your typical child prodigy (if there is anything typical about a prodigy). Azula showed early mastery of very advanced Fire-Bending techniques, and is the only Fire-Bender to use blue flames, which was intended to make her stand out amongst the other villains but is also indicative that her Fire-Bending is more pure and powerful (blue flame is produced when burning pure O2 or fuel without contaminant at a very high temperature). 

All this lead to her being praised and favored by Ozai as a child, but as double-edged swords go, this also meant she had a lot of pressure on her shoulders to never fail, and she rarely did. Her ego matched her talent, and let’s be honest she was the baddest bitch the show had ever seen. Conquering Ba Sing Se, defeating the Avatar in combat, and dropping some of the most devastating lines of dialogue in villain history; she was a force nobody wanted to reckon with. 

And that become a problem for one asshole in particular...

Being jealous of his own child is just one item on a laundry list of reasons why this guy is the worst father in the history of fathers. Azula had begun to outshine him with her victories, and Ozai’s maniacal ego couldn’t handle that, so he left her behind to babysit the Fire Nation while he went out to burn/conquer the world, which also was her idea.

And while this wasn’t the only thing that aided in her demise, it certainly was the final straw which sent her spiraling down into this...

In the end Azula is a sad example of how certain unfair expectations are placed upon talented children, and the more they succeed, the more these expectations grow and weigh on the them until they either disappoint those looking down on them or surpass and embarrass their elders.

It is a lose-lose situation which inevitably destroys them.

There is a similar example of the child prodigy, but his story goes a little different.

Aang.

Even as a twelve/thirteen year-old boy Aang by far has the most impressive stats among any character in the Avatar universe.

Basically mastering 3 of the 4 Elements in less than a year, after mastering Air by the time he is twelve (not to mention inventing his own Air-bending move, the Air scooter). 

Aang is an example of a child prodigy who had too much thrust onto him at too young an age because of the talent he showed; because of this he panicked and ran away, and the world was worse off for it. 

Aang/Sokka/Katara’s story is all about how in times of War, responsibilities normally handled by adults are pushed onto kids who then have to grow up very fast in order to deal with it all.

The message is clear. War robs the young of their childhoods. 

Now, let’s talk about a different kind of child prodigy.

The Unacknowledged. 

Yes, of course I’m talking about Toph, the greatest Earth-Bender to ever live.

Because of her blindness, Toph’s family tried to keep her sheltered and safe by hiding her from the world. Refusing to believe she could ever be more than helpless. Anyone who has seen the show knows that is far from the truth.

But because her potential went unseen, there were some negative effects to her personality. Initially, she resented her parents, and rebelled; which established a certain level of independence, a bad attitude, and a hot-headed streak. Over time spent with the Gaang these behaviors subsided because she finally had friends and they accepted her for who she was. By the end of the series she was fully willing to accept aid from them when she needed it, like holding on to Sokka’s arm in environment where her bending couldn’t help her “see”. 

Toph’s story is a foil to Azula’s, both showed immense talent and badassery, but while recognition of Azula lead to ever-mounting pressure for her to succeed; the lack of recognition for Toph created a need for her to be acknowledged and set an undercurrent of frustration which leads to her acting out in the ways she does.

The lesson to take from Toph’s story is not to shelter your kid from the world out of fear for their safety, and to be open to recognizing their talents, not shun them.

Next are two more Unacknowledged.

Katara and Sokka.       

Their story, and the reason behind their circumstances, is one of the more complicated and nuanced ones in the series, so here we’ll focus on how it fits into the subject of discussion.

Because of the War, Katara was robbed not only of her mother but also of any Southern Masters to train her, and any role models Sokka could have looked up to left with his father to fight. Because of this Katara’s potential and Sokka’s genius went unacknowledged not due to neglect but rather due to circumstance. (Yes, I think Sokka is a genius, how many 15 yr olds do you know that can plan an invasion, design submarines, and spit poetry off the cuff?).

This is a further example of how War robs kids of necessary childhood experiences, and these two robberies had particular effects on both Katara and Sokka’s character developments.

Sokka had the responsibility of protecting his home put upon him at a young age. The men of his tribe leaving prevented him from completing his rite of manhood until the Gaang ran into Bato of the Water Tribe, and early on Sokka was constantly trying to prove himself as a man and a leader. Sokka is one of the smarter characters of the series, but he rarely got credit for it until the third season. Not to mention that because he wasn’t a bender he often seemed less useful than the others. The circumstances of war made his talent go unnoticed and because of that he often was unsure of himself and overcompensated to prove something.

Speaking of talent going unnoticed.

Katara is definitely one of the more talented benders of the series. After training herself for years with little progress, she essentially mastered Water-Bending in a few weeks under Master Pakku. While her anger towards the Fire-Nation mostly centers around the loss of her mother, it can’t be ignored that the delay in her training was a direct result of the Fire-Nations’ actions.  Toph’s anger and frustration vented itself as rebellion. However, the same frustration and anger is within Katara, but because she wasn’t as natural a bender as Toph she sought to learn and be respected, and when that was denied to her is when that anger bubbled to the surface in some terrifying ways. 

While Toph’s talent went unnoticed because of her families neglect, Katara and Sokka’s wasn’t acknowledged because there was nobody to acknowledge it. Because of that both brother and sister wanted to prove themselves to the world.

And then there is Zuko.

I know what you’re thinking. Zuko wasn’t a prodigy, his Fire-Bending skill didn’t catch up with Azula’s until the finale and he never mastered Lightning-Bending, but this section is about the Unacknowledged.

Zuko had many other talents besides Fire-Bending, he was a master swordsmen, and was able to successfully break into every secure facility he attempted in the show (which was almost every secure facility the show featured).  Unfortunately, these talents were never recognized, because the only thing the royal family cared about was bending ability (It’s possible the reason he learned the sword was because he lacked skill in Fire-Bending). 

As per usual with Zuko, this part of his tale is quite sad. Many can relate to being outshined by a sibling, and when it becomes all too clear that one cannot match another’s talent it’s quite understandable to focus on what they do excel at, but even then there is no promise of recognition for their own talent. Zuko was even mocked by his father during the solar eclipse when Ozai tried baiting him into attacking with his swords. 

This lack of recognition is one of many sad aspects of Zuko’s early life, but it is a definitive example of one of the hardest unacknowledged prodigy’s cross to bear. The Outshone prodigy, one whose talents are never noticed because a bigger and brighter star stands in the way of such recognition, and arguably the most frustrating type mentioned here. Toph/Sokka/Katara all came from situations were there was no recognition being given to them or anyone, but Zuko had to bear watching massive amounts of praise be piled on to his sister while he and his accomplishments went by the way side.

Ozai summed up the situation best.

“Azula was born lucky, Zuko was lucky to be born”

Alright now where have I been going with all this?

So, far we’ve covered a lot of wrong ways to treat a child, whether they show talent or not, and how the circumstances of war can also take many things from children.

But what happened to Korra?

(Before we get into to this I should state that I like Korra, and the purpose of this is not to bash her as a character or her arc, but rather to give a little of my insight into it.)

It’s well established that Aang was told of his heritage too young, and that was a detriment on his development into an adult, but what would have happened if he realized his powers himself not long after he could walk? We’ll never know, but we do get to see the effects it had on Korra. 

When she revealed herself as the Avatar, Korra set her entire life in a new direction, and because Aang tasked the White Lotus with finding and training her that direction was out of her control. There are two key differences between Korras’ and other Avatars’ lives.

1. She grew up in isolation on a White Lotus compound.

Every Avatar before Korra we know of spent a portion of their early lives traveling the world in order to master the elements; along this journey they not only learned how to bend the other 3 elements, buy also many things about the 3 other nations and the world they are tasked to protect as a whole. By confining Korra in safety and bringing the masters to her the White Lotus deprived Korra of this opportunity to learn and grow and understand the world and the people within in. It also deprived her of learning modern bending styles until she reached Republic City.

While this might have kept Korra safe from the Red Lotus, it grew within her a naiveté about how the world worked, and because of this when she actually did venture out into the world she was terribly unprepared for it.

2.  She was trained and mastered 3 of the elements by the time she was 16.

Most Avatars don’t know they have this power until they reach 16 and then they spend several years learning to control it. Korra’s natural talent in the bending lead to her training being expedited not by necessity like Aang’s, but due to her talent and eagerness. Korra excelled at the physical part of being the Avatar and because of this by the time she reached maturity she had become over-confident in her abilities and true to what her Fire-Bending master said in Ep.1 she lacked restraint.

I’m not saying her bending isn’t great, but rather because it is so great it’s her go-to solution to anything, and she enjoys that so she uses it with enthusiastic gusto and not a lot of thinking before striking.

This overconfidence coupled with her naiveté of the world is what lead to many of her rash decisions and actions, most of which had negative consequences, and I believe are the reason behind some fan are dissatisfied with her. Aang had been almost the complete opposite, even by the age of twelve he was an experienced world traveler and an incredibly humble guy. 

Some may have been dissatisfied by these character decisions, but they served a purpose, they are only the beginning of her arc. The internal challenge Korra must overcome through 4 seasons is to humble herself before the world, and learn from it. This was finally achieved in the 4th season when the metal poisoning in her body forces her to face others in the world as equals, only then had she completed her journey.

And why did it all go this way?

Because she is a very unique child prodigy, what she demonstrates in the first episode of LOK would be akin to a toddler playing the violin or hitting a three-pointer; she could bend 3 elements close to just after learning to walk. That is the kind of prodigious talent rarely seen because it is mostly impossible. How does a rational person handle a child like that? 

It’s a tough question, and something this essay has been circling around the whole time. Each example here is the wrong way to handle talented and different children, but what is the right way?

As always look to Iroh.

Who treated his surrogate son Zuko with both respect and compassion. 

Unlike Toph’s parents, Iroh worried over Zuko’s well being, but also allowed him to be independent, make his own decisions, and take his own risks.

Unlike the Nomad Leaders, he didn’t want Zuko weighed down by his position in the world and the responsibility that came with, and always encouraged him relax and take advantage of the moment.

Unlike Ozai, Iroh would always be there to support Zuko in his victories and his failures. Iroh shows him the right path but does not force him down it.

And even after Zuko betrayed and abandoned him.

Iroh was never angry with him, and embraced him upon his return.

He wanted Zuko to grow and be a better man. Even if Zuko wasn’t a prodigy like his sister. 

And that is the answer here. The way to raise a prodigy is the same way anyone should raise any child. Love, Support, a Guiding Hand rather than a Forceful Shove, Recognition of What Makes Them Unique, and Forgiveness When They Falter. The problem comes along when you start treating children differently because you see them as different or special. All children are different, all children are special.

Kids are kids, and they all deserve a proper childhood.  

[biletdoux]

stages of love | j.jh

Pairing | jung jaehyun (nct) + female!reader Rating | M Genre + Tropes | college!au, romance (angst, fluff, smut) Warnings | explicit language, alcohol consumption, instant love?, sexual content (drunk sex, receiving and giving oral, penetration, cow girl position, nipple play), greyzone fidelity Length | 15k+

Summary | A playlist for the trials and tribulations of a beating heart

(Or; your relationship with Jung Jaehyun in ten songs.)

Note: ahhhhhhh!!!! we finally did it boisssss. this fic has been a long time coming and honestly im sick and tired of jaehyun. i’ve spent too long thinking about him for this fic smh. this is also my first time writing smut so we’ll see how that goes lmao. anyway this was a long labor of love so please let me know what you thought of it !!! <333

1. Peach by IU

smitten at first sight.

“How can I explain this feeling?”

“Alright, I think that sums up about everything we need to cover for today’s lecture. Remember, most of this will be on your final exam. Any questions before you’re all dismissed?” 

Your professor looks up from the board, scans the room and all he sees are most of the students waiting with bated breath, itching to leave the class, and half of those students having already packed their belongings in anticipation. He held them back an extra twenty five minutes today, which is notably longer than previous lectures in which he delayed dismissal.

“Okay, you’re free to go. Chapters nineteen and twenty are due the next time we meet.”

You breathe out a sigh of relief, ready to head out with the rest of the class. You like Professor Jang and find that he makes history somewhat digestible, but he has a tendency to lose track of time, which is inconvenient, but more so today since you have agreed to meet up with Yeri. You glance at your phone to see text notifications and curse to yourself. You’re already ten minutes late and Yeri is many things and impatient is one of them. 

You’re one of the first out of the small lecture hall and you shoot her a quick reply before making your way to the oncampus cafe. Through quickened strides and shortcuts engrained from cross-campus treks from class to class, you arrive in record time. You’re slightly out of breath and impressed by your speed, but you stop, frozen in your tracks when you see Yeri’s displeased face. You find her situated in a small, but cozy corner next to the windows, already unpacked with notebooks and papers strewn on the desk ready to review for exams. It's one of the best study spots in the cafe and you immediately know your best friend had to come extra early to nab such a sought after table. 

“About time,” she scowls, “what took you so long?”

You shoot her an apologetic look, “aww, Yeri,” you pout your lips a little too dramatically, “I’m sorry. I just came from history and you know how Professor Jang is.” 

Yeri looks at your jutted lips in disgust, but then her face softens in consideration. “Hm, I do know Jang.” She scrunches up her nose remembering her time in his class last semester. “That old man can talk for days on end and he never lets anyone leave class early. I guess I’ll let you go this time.” 

You beam at her knowing she’s no longer angry for your tardiness. “Great, drinks are on me today. It’s the least I can do for being late.” Yeri forgives as easily and as quickly as she loses her temper. You learned this after a few weeks of being her roommate. 

Yeri says nothing in silent agreement and you place your stuff down across the table next to the chair she reserves for you. You pull out your wallet and weave through the packed cafe to head to the order counter. The line is long and you patiently review the menu. Your roommate has consistent tastes and always orders a vanilla frappuccino regardless of which cafe she goes to, but you base your decision on your mood. You mull over your choices and by the time you reach the barista taking your order, you decide you’re in an ‘iced Americano’ kind of mood today. You have exams on top of exams you need to review for and a stronger caffeine kick is much needed.

After paying, you head back to the table with two drinks in tow. Yeri takes her drink and after you both take a few sips and catch up for the day, you dive straight to work. The two of you decide to review for statistics. 

Between re-summarizing chapters and answering review questions, you muse to yourself about how your college experience thus far hasn't been that much different from your high school life. You didn’t necessarily hate high school, per say, but it was safe to say you didn’t enjoy it. Your heart was in the arts, specifically music, and you had found studying the core subjects to be boring and tedious. You remember being ecstatic to have been accepted and enrolled in a performing arts college, foolishly thinking your days of solving differential equations and memorizing chemical formulas were over. You specifically remember daydreaming of your hours being filled with keyboard practice and composition notes and only such things. Somehow the reality of mandatory general education courses slipped your mind when you constructed such fantasies.

Despite frivolous and preconceived notions of college, you have already survived a semester and you are nearly through your second. 

“Hey, do you remember when this stats assignment is due?” Yeri’s inquiring voice snaps you out of your brief reverie and you search your cluttered brain for a date.

“Uh, I think it’s due, like, a few days before the final, but I’d have to double check.” 

Yeri nods. “Alright, well let’s take a small break. We have some time till then, we don’t have to finish all of it today.” 

You happily agree and set down your pen. Yeri takes a sip of her frappuccino and you lean over the table to get closer to her. “Anyway, did you hear about what happened with Jiwon and Youngjae from the entertainment management department?”

Her eyes glisten with wicked interest. “No. Do tell.”

Break time is always synonymous with gossip hour between you and Yeri. 

You spend the next fifteen minutes dishing what you know and Yeri offers her own input whenever she feels fit. 

“And they think they’re being discreet, but the whole dorm knows they’ve been sneaking around, but guess wha─” Before you can finish your sentence, you are cut off by a loud and energetic voice calling out Yeri’s name.

The two of you look up to see a slim and boyish brunet waving to Yeri and excitedly making his way to your table. He looks vaguely familiar, but you can’t quite place your finger on it, so you let it go.

He smiles happily at Yeri and greets her. “Hey Yeri, how’s it going?” He notices you there and gives you a polite wave, which you return in the same manner.

Yeri replies back breezily, but with her full attention. “Good. Did you need anything, Mark?” 

He flushes just the slightest bit, but it doesn’t escape your eyes. “Erm, nothing I just wanted to remind you that we’re meeting for the music theory project tomorrow at four. I would’ve texted, but I forgot to get your number in class, and I saw you here and thought it was a good opportunity to tell you.” 

Yeri’s eyes widen, “ah right! I completely forgot about it. It’s a good thing you found me here today, huh? Here, I’ll give you my number.”

She reaches her hand out her hand expectantly, and Mark is confused before scrambling to pull out his phone. You can tell Mark looks flustered while Yeri is calmly putting in her contact information. After finishing, she hands his phone back, “okay, all set. Just shoot me a text so I have your number as well. Thanks for reminding me today or I probably would’ve forgotten and not have shown up or something.” 

Mark smiles again, this time a little more sure than before. “All good. I’ll see you tomorrow, Yeri.” 

They wave goodbye and you watch Mark scamper from the cafe. Your eyes follow him, but Yeri is already focused on you again, paying Mark’s retreating form no mind. 

“So…” you start.

“So?” She returns.

“He’s cute.”

“Yeah, maybe,” she shrugged. “I barely know him though. We have music theory together, but this is the first time we’ve talked all semester and we’re only talking because we got paired up for a project.”

Yeri seems apathetic and you study her closely. You notice she’s acting a little too stiffly carefree to be truly indifferent to the situation. You can’t help, but to tease her a bit. “Well, make the most out of this project then.”

Yeri gives you a hard look and you decide to let it go despite finding your best friend’s situation to be amusing. 

“Anyway, keep telling me about Jiwon and Youngjae. You never finished.” Yeri changes the topic, knowing that you might decide to pester her again if she doesn’t.

“As I was saying,” you started up again. A figure outside catches your attention and you peer outside through the window past Yeri’s shoulders. You realize it’s Mark and you watch with interest as he gestures excitedly, pointing to something in his hand, you assume his phone, to some of his friends. From there your eyes wander absentmindedly from one person to the next, and it’s when you see him. 

The reaction is almost instantaneous. 

“Like you were saying?” Yeri urges, but her words fall on deaf ears, for all your attention is captured by the boy next to Mark with heart-shaped lips.

When you see said boy laugh, you notice he has moon for eyes and you unconsciously suck in a sharp breath. You must have been staring too intently without noticing because he turns his head in your direction and you two hold direct eye contact. Like a deer caught in headlights, you freeze and lose all rational thought. Your head is completely blank. You have never seen someone so beautiful and your mind does not know how to process any sensory information at the moment.

Someone calls the boy away and the entire group of friends leave. It’s only then do you find yourself releasing a breath you didn’t know you had been holding onto so tightly. Your heart is pounding and you feel as though blood is rushing through your ears. 

“Hello?” Yeri sounds annoyed, but you struggle to find the words to answer her. 

You feel a sudden heat rush to color your cheeks a vibrant red and a feeling surges through you that leaves you out of breath and weak at the knees. A steady warmth washes over you quietly and you feel it deep within yourself and you can’t help but let out a small laugh.

How silly, you muse. Not to be dramatic, but you think you’re in love.

2. Shadow by f(x)

adoration from afar. 

“I’m really really into you.”

The next few weeks are packed to the brim with assignments and papers, but despite this, you still find time for your personal research into the boy who was with Mark that day. 

Being the obvious first and easiest option, you beg Yeri to ask Mark directly about his friend, but she immediately shoots you down. 

“No. Absolutely not. At least not anytime soon anyway,” she huffs. “I’ve barely held two full conversations with him, like hell the next is gonna be about his friend just cause my best friend started thirsting over him after one glance. I mean come on, girl.” She shakes her head at you. 

Yeri’s right and you apologize to her for being thoughtless of her situation. She doesn’t say it, but she seems really hopeful about the music theory project and what might bloom from it. You would not want to impede on such possibilities of happiness for your friend, so you let that option go, but Yeri promises to help in other ways and she does. 

Somehow between caffeine fueled cram sessions and sleep deprivation, you, with Yeri’s help manage to find out more about the boy. You casually ask around in your contemporary writing and production department and she offers help by searching her vocal performance department. 

You find out his name is Jung Jaehyun and he’s a third year in the musical theatre department and that he’s a member of the local chapter of the performing arts fraternity on campus. You also discover his Instagram handle and you find yourself skimming through his page throughout the day more often  than you’re willing to admit to any living soul. 

You occasionally see him around campus since you first saw him at the cafe and each time, you can feel your heart hammer in your chest and you become so flustered to the point of your sympathetic nervous system activating. Unfortunately for you, your body unconsciously chooses flight each and every time at the sight of Jaehyun because you can always feel your knees go weak and your body lurch away to escape in any direction that isn’t Jaehyun’s. You kind of hate yourself each time you do, but you can’t help it. He’s just so pretty that it’s intimidating!

You try to think positive after the bouts of shame you experience after each escapade. 

Well there’s no way to embarrass yourself in front of him if you run away before having the chance to, right?

Even thinking about it now in the comfort of your bed, you can’t shake your self-consciousness and bury your face in a large pillow resting on your knees. Your cheeks are burning and you don’t know what to do. 

“Hey, why don’t you just talk to him, instead of moping all day and stalking his profile like a creep.” Yeri’s crisp words cut through your musings and you glance up to see her entering your shared room in the dorms.

“Shut up. It’s not like I have a benevolent match-making professor who happens to pair me up with my crush for an end-of-semester project.” You retort back before sighing dramatically, “I literally have no excuse to talk to him. We’re not in the same year or major. We don’t even have mutual friends. Unless, y’know, you and Mark hit it off, who knows.” 

Yeri sits down next to you on your small twin bed, resting her head on your shoulder while letting out an equally dramatic sigh, “yeah, well, Mark’s so dense, all the divine intervention in the world isn’t going to help me.” 

You let out snort, “what’s up with you two anyway?”

“Y’know, I could’ve sworn he was into me and I had a chance with him, but every time we meet up we literally only work on the project and nothing else. Every time I sort of tried to do something I get shot down. Like I told him I was kind of chilly today in the library, and he looks all thoughtful for a moment but all he ends up saying is ‘yeah, all the buildings on campus are always cold, huh? Good thing I always bring a jacket with me. You should bring one too next time, I don’t want you getting cold.’ And then he just turns back to the project like nothing. Can you believe him?” Yeri complains and you swear her annoyance is palpable. “And every time I text him to hangout, he thinks it’s to work on the project. I honestly can’t tell if he’s really that stupid or if he’s just not into me.” 

You laugh at her unfortunate, but undeniable state of love affairs. 

“Really? That bad? I remember him being all blushy when he asked for your number,” you recall. “And you should’ve seen how he looked when he showed off he got your number. Well that’s what it looked like anyway, I could be wrong.”

“Well, at least I’ll get a good grade though. Mark is nothing if not diligent and hard-working, with him being a double major and all.” Yeri sounds resigned however, she sighs again, this time more frustrated and you hear the determination in her voice. “Alright, after finals, for sure we’re gonna hit the clubs. We need to let loose, have some fun.”

You agree with her to appease her short temper, but deep down you feel disappointed. You feel sorry for your friend, having genuinely wanted Mark and her to work out, but a small and selfish part of you felt sorry for having no bridge to Jaehyun at all if it didn’t work out between Yeri and Mark. Looks like you were stranded now and you’d have to find a way to Jaehyun one way or another, but your line of help ends here.

Shaking away such negative thoughts, you think to yourself how soju bombs and dance floors don’t so bad after such an intense exam period after all. It will definitely take your mind off of things for sure.

And even though you say this to yourself, you know your mind will still be plagued with Jung Jaehyun no matter how much you try.

3. What Is Love by EXO-K

careful contemplation. 

“I can’t explain what I feel.”

“Mark, tell me you did not.” The disbelief in Johnny’s voice made the situation all the more hilarious and even Jaehyun, who’s the calmer of the two, couldn’t suppress the guffaw from escaping his lips. 

The tips of Mark’s ears flush a light pink and he tries to deliver a convincing argument, but all that comes out is a meek stammer, further driving Johnny up the wall.

When Mark came up to his and Johnny’s room asking for advice, Jaehyun had an idea of where it was going to lead, considering Mark’s clueless disposition and inexperienced track record, but Jaehyun had no idea it was going to be this bad. 

Mark, having developed a crush on a fellow vocal performance major in his music theory class, came to Johnny, his frat big, to spill his guts and ask for advice constantly. Being Johnny’s roommate, meant Jaehyun was also privy to all the details of Mark’s love life and he had no problem giving advice to the amusing first year student, which Mark appreciated because going to Johnny meant a clowning session before he could get any useful nuggets of information. 

When Mark’s music theory professor randomly assigned the two for the end of semester project, Mark was one part excited and two parts nervous, resulting in a frazzled mess. He has been going up to the second room on the right of the second floor of the frat house almost every other day to ask for advice since then. 

Johnny was thrilled when he initially heard of the project, already envisioning his little’s love prospects, stating something along the lines of “my little’s gonna get laid!” 

However, now looking at Johnny rubbing his temples in exasperation, Jaehyun can tell that his roommate’s initial enthusiasm has dissipated. 

Mark’s daily roadblock today consisted of his crush giving him the cold shoulder and being much more snappy than before in the project meet up earlier. Mark recalls Yeri’s anger toward him and racks his brain for an answer. Even Johnny and Jaehyun are stumped at the sudden behavior, assuming that things were going smoothly from Mark’s previous reports filled with clumsy, but endearing and ultimately positive signs. It’s only when Mark offhandedly mentions her so-called ‘strange’ comment about the temperature, does it become clear why Yeri’s attitude suddenly shifted so drastically.

“I mean, I don’t know what I did wrong.” Mark’s second attempt to defend himself has Johnny flaring his nostrils in indignation and Jaehyun has to turn away in an attempt to stifle his laughter.

“Dude, she’s so into you. Or, at least she was, I don’t know about it anymore.” Johnny starts after calming down. “She left herself wide open for you to take a clear shot and you effectively said to her face, ‘thanks but no thanks’ and then walked away. No wonder she’s pissed, I’d be pissed too.” 

“Well, what was I supposed to do then?” Mark counters. 

“Mark,” Johnny begins, his tone dry and coarse, “you’re killing me.”

Jaehyun deems this the perfect time to step in, the laughter about done coursing through his system at this point. He clears his throat before offering his input, “It’s not too, too bad. Johnny’s just being dramatic. If she likes you enough, she’ll probably forgive you if you play your cards right from here on out.” 

Mark perks up, his attention solely on Jaehyun. 

Jaehyun hums absentmindedly to himself, gathering and organizing his thoughts to properly explain exactly where and how Mark went wrong and what to do moving forward. When Jaehyun opens his mouth to speak, Mark is glued on to every word and Jaehyun can see the gears in his brain whirring at high speeds. 

By the time Jaehyun is done, Johnny has calmed down and Mark nods his head fervently in understanding. 

“Ah, that makes so much sense now! I got it now.” 

Despite his assurances, both Johnny and Jaehyun know Mark will be back soon. 

“Alright little, listen up,” Johnny starts. “Here’s the game plan from here on out.” 

Johnny goes off on a sermon, determined to help his little ‘get some’ as Johnny so delicately puts it. Jaehyun can see it’s not the most tasteful of word choice for Mark to hear, but the youngest says nothing. 

Lounging lazily in the bean bag on his side of the room, Jaehyun knocks his head back and thinks of a few weeks back when he accompanied Mark and some other frat members to the rec center for some basketball. Jaehyun remembers Mark was bemoaning the fact he forgot to ask for some girl’s number and it was as if a higher entity heard the boy’s laments and felt especially gracious, because right as they were passing the cafe, Mark stopped in his tracks and suddenly ran off into the busy building. 

The group of frat boys watched him excitedly weave his way through the crowd of bodies and occupied tables to reach a table with two girls. When they saw the girl putting her number into Mark’s phone, Johnny elbowed Jaehyun, and like a proud parent Johnny exaggeratedly acknowledged his little. “They grow up so fast, don’t they, Jaehyun.” Johnny even wiped an imaginary tear from his eye to really send the message home.

It was only a few moments later and Mark came bounding out of the cafe, eager to show everyone how lucky it was that he happened to see her. “I mean what are the odds, right?” the said boy exclaimed so happily, his cheer so infectious, Jaehyun couldn’t help himself from letting out a laugh of his own. 

Jaehyun turned to give Mark an encouraging pat on the back and it’s when he notices a pair of eyes on him. He turns fully to come in the direct line of sight of a girl whose eyes, Jaehyun imagined to have been very warm, had they not been burning holes into him. Her intense gaze slightly unnerved him, but not to the point of pulling away. He found himself entranced and the only thing that broke the quick spell was Johnny’s voice, calling him to move it along. 

Jaehyun recalls easily breaking eye contact and giving little thought to the strange girl with fire for eyes, but as the days passed, Jaehyun couldn’t shake the thought of her from his mind. 

Even now in the comfort of his room and with Johnny and Mark not even a foot away, carefully planning Mark’s love endeavors, all Jaehyun’s mind can really focus on is the thought of you. 

Jaehyun is sure he’s only looked at you for less than a minute, but somehow he’s able to clearly trace out the image of you that day, like a perfect snapshot. 

“Yo Jaehyun,” Johnny calls. “You good? You’ve been spacing out, bro.”

“Yeah, I’m good.” Jaehyun answers offhandedly, before contemplating to himself. Was he good? Jaehyun wouldn’t necessarily say he’s bad in any way, but it isn’t normal for him to have the thought of a girl remain so clearly engraved in his mind for so long, and even less common for it to actually be a girl he doesn’t even know nonetheless. It’s not a pressing issue, but it does bother him. He weighs over the next steps in his mind. 

“Alright, just making sure.”

With one last thought, Jaehyun concludes to himself that it’s time to tackle his concern at hand head-on. 

“Actually,” he starts, “Mark, do you remember the girl next to Yeri the day you asked for her number?” 

Mark quirks his head in thought and Jaehyun can see Johnny raise his eyebrows in sudden interest. 

“Uh kinda,” Mark answers. “I think she’s a CWP major. I’m pretty sure we shared an arranging class last semester, but like, I don’t know her personally or anything; it was a large lecture. To be honest, I don’t even think she recognized me at all, judging from her reaction that day. Why, what’s up?”

Jaehyun nods, absorbing the information, giving Johnny ample time to fire away. 

“Yeah Jaehyun,” Jaehyun can visualize the glint in Johnny’s eyes just from hearing his mischievous tone. “What is up? I haven’t seen you ask about a girl in a hot minute. Thought you suddenly went abstinent without telling me or something.”

Jaehyun isn’t quite sure how to reply. Without a doubt you were cute to Jaehyun and he wouldn’t be opposed for things to happen between the two of you, but he doesn’t even know you! Well, not that it’s been a problem for Jaehyun in the past, but your lingering presence bothers him in ways he cannot communicate. Why is that the thought of you won’t leave him and why does it bother him so much?

Jaehyun decides to be straightforward, as straightforward as his muddled brain allows him to be. “She’s cute. I wanna get to know her.” 

“Okay, Jaehyun.” Johnny whoops obnoxiously. “I see you.” 

Mark is surprised and suddenly Johnny is all fired up again. Abruptly, Johnny shoots up and the determination that burns in his eyes is admirable. 

“I’ve got it!” He declares proudly. 

Jaehyun and Mark are quiet, waiting patiently for him to continue. They say nothing, knowing there is not a thing that can reach him when Johnny gets like this. 

“We’re throwing a party and you bet your ass your two girls are gonna be there.”

4. Heaven by Ailee

walking on Cloud 9. 

“When I hear your voice, it feels like I’m dreaming.”

You look up at the two-story house before you and wonder how you got here. Actually, you don’t wonder at all because you know exactly how you ended up at the steps of the local performing arts fraternity at your college, but you sigh regardless, as if someone had weaseled you into being here. Your nerves gnaw at you and you feel your stomach doing all types of aerobic tricks, the feeling reminiscent of the sensation before the roller coaster drops. 

Yeri grabs your hand and pulls you excitedly to the front door. You can feel the thrum of music emanating from the building.  

You recall how Yeri almost jumped you to tell the good news. 

Finals flew by without any major hitches, ignoring sleepless nights and caffeine crashes. You don’t know how you’ll do, but you’re satisfied with your exam performances. You were in the clear and were just waiting for Yeri to present her joint music theory project before the both of you could finally let loose as a celebration to end the school year. 

You waited for her outside of the classroom building as promised, playing with your phone to past time until you were suddenly engulfed by a delighted pair of arms. Yeri hugged you tight; she was in high spirits, seemingly from acing her presentation and you hugged her back in congratulations. She pulled at you closer and whispered in your ears, “just say yes.” 

You were confused, but looked up to see Mark headed toward the two you. Yeri released you, leaving one arm still slung casually over your shoulder.

“Hey guys. My frat’s throwing a party tonight to celebrate finishing exams. I was wondering if, uh, you guys wanted to come? I mean you don’t have to, it’s totally optional.” 

You didn’t say anything at first and Yeri interjected, “Of course!” She smiled at you innocently despite harshly pinching you to respond, her action hidden from Mark’s sight. “We’d love to, right?”

“Uh,” you answered distractedly. “Y-yeah, sure.” 

“Great.” Mark beamed. “Party starts at eight. I gotta go help set up, so I’ll see ya there!” 

And with that, he left as soon as he arrived and you looked at Yeri questioningly for answers. “I thought we were hitting downtown tonight. What happened to club hopping?” 

Yeri smiled devilishly, “change of plans. I’ll tell you more about it later. The most important thing is finding the perfect outfit for you tonight, cause Jaehyun’s gonna be there.” 

And so, here you find yourself dressed in high-waisted shorts and a cute top that took an embarrassingly long time to decide on. You are greeted by the fraternity president at the door of the house, Taeyong you think his name is, and he gives you two a quick verbal tour of the place, really emphasizing where to get drinks. Yeri thanks him for the both of you and you enter the crowded house. You think at least half of the performing art majors must’ve been here judging by the sheer volume of packed bodies. 

You remember Yeri explaining how she and Mark may have been making a breakthrough and this party was imperative for its success. You were completely okay attending for that reason alone, because after all, what kind of person sends her best friend to a frat party alone? However, your resolve to go was set in stone after she explained that the frat that was throwing the party just happened to be the same frat Jaehyun was a member of. 

“And y’know, seeing as how you’ve been obsessing over him the past few weeks, it’s the perfect opportunity.” 

You frown remembering her words and make your way to the kitchen with Yeri in tow. Various beverages, alcoholic and non-alcoholic, crowd the table and you recognize the guy standing nearby idly chatting with others. It’s Jaemin, an acting major in your history lecture with whom you frequently exchange notes with when either one of you decides to flake for the day. You vaguely recall him mentioning his fraternity association, but didn’t realize it happened to be this one. He sees the two of you approaching the drink table and he smiles widely.

“Oh hey, what’s up?” Jaemin greets casually. “Didn’t expect to see you here. How’d you think you did in the history final?” 

You groan. “I don’t even want to talk about it. What’s important is that we’re finished and I won’t ever have to think about the WWII timeline for, hopefully, forever.”

“Amen,” Jaemin laughs. “I’ll drink to that.” He raises up his red solo cup to cheers, before realizing both you and Yeri had nothing to drink. 

“Oh shit, I’m a pretty bad host, huh? First thing I should've done was get you two something to drink.” He chides himself, but his tone is playful. “What can I get for you, ladies?”

Before you can think about what you want, Yeri cuts you off, her tone matching Jaemin’s. “How about some shots to start off and we’ll forgive the lack of hospitality.”

Jaemin laughs again. “Alright, I like it.” His hands are adept at weaving around the table and finding the paper shot cups and the vodka. “Svedka’s okay, right?” 

“We’re not picky.” You and Yeri agree. You take the shot in one gulp and the unpleasant burning in your throat makes you wince. 

“Can I get you two anything else?” 

“Yeah,” you say. “I think another shot and then a mixed drink. Anything’s fine, but preferably on the stronger side.” You look over at Yeri and she nods in agreement.

“Coming right up.” Jaemin agrees easily. 

He pours the two of you another shot and you think he must be a generous guy because the shot is overflowing. You and Yeri cheer once more while Jaemin gets to work mixing a cherry bourbon with some Coke. He tops off the drinks with some ice before handing it over to the both of you. “Here they are. Enjoy, ladies.”

You thank him and take a sip before excusing yourself to make your way around the party. The drink is sweet and the smoky aftertaste of the bourbon gives it a pleasant edge. You and Yeri are attached to the hip as you drift from one part to another around the party, making easy going small talk along the way. You are sufficiently buzzed by this point and feel much lighter as though the party was somehow two degrees removed from your senses. You look over to check on Yeri and she’s noticeably drunker than you are, giggling about the simplest of things and slurring her words just the slightest bit. You make a mental note to ease the drinking, wanting to be sober enough to look after her in case anything were to arise. 

The two of you are at the base of the stairs when you hear Mark’s voice calling Yeri’s name. You turn your attention upward to see him ambling down the stairs with excited fervor. His cheeks are flushed, more so than usual around Yeri, and you can tell it’s due to alcohol because Mark is holding her hands and you know he can never be so bold without the help of liquid courage. 

“Yo Mark, slow down there.” A voice calls out and you look up again and you feel your breath caught in your throat. 

There in front of your eyes is Jung Jaehyun in the flesh. He looks heavenly dressed in simple jeans and a white tee. You unconsciously swallow the lump in your throat and your heart beat gallops a mile a minute in your chest. Your mouth goes dry and you mindlessly gulp down swigs of your drink. You know Yeri would’ve sniggered at your current state had she not been so tipsy and completely preoccupied with Mark. 

Jaehyun catches up to Mark and when he reaches the base of the stairs, he notices the two of you.

“Oh Jaehyun, lemme introduce you guys.” 

As promised, Mark introduces everyone quickly and Jaehyun shoots a smile that seems to be aimed at you. “Nice to meet everyone.” 

“Cool, now that everyone knows each other,” Mark starts. “Yeri, can I show you something?” 

“Uh, y-yeah.” 

You give Yeri a hard look and she takes your hand to squeeze it in reassurance. She looks at you pleadingly and there’s a confidence in her eyes that you can’t argue with. You relent and let her go. 

Mark takes her by the hand and leads her up the stairs while you watch, slightly worried. 

Jaehyun seems to have sensed your apprehension because the words that leave his mouth snaps you out of your perturbed state. “Don’t worry. Mark’s a good kid, you have nothing to worry about. You have my word on it.” 

And suddenly the situation dawns on you. The boy of your recent all-consuming infatuation stands here before you, and it’s just the two of you alone. Any social skills you have, leave you and you’re unsure of what to do. 

Jaehyun notices the awkward tension in the air and works quickly to dispel it. “Your drink’s looking low. Can I get you something else?” 

You look down to your drink to see that he was right. Only a few sips remain. You didn’t realize you had drank so much at the sight of Jaehyun. 

“Um, some water would be good. I don’t want to be too hungover tomorrow.” You answer shyly. You also need to be sober enough to look after Yeri, but you decide to leave that out.

Jaehyun chuckles, “sure thing. Here, come with me. I’ll get you some water.”

Jaehyun leads you to the kitchen with ease, seamlessly weaving through the crowds of people. Every group of people he passes greets him loudly to be heard of the pounding bass of the music. You are not surprised to see how popular he is. 

Once in the kitchen, he grabs you a bottle of water and a beer for himself from the fridge and you thank him. The cold water is refreshing, but it does little to cool your nerves. The awkward tension is high and still ever present. You feel as though you’re drowning in it and you also feel like running away from here despite this being what you’ve wanted for more than anything for weeks on end. 

“So,” Jaehyun starts, clearing his throat. “Mark told me you’re a CWP major?” 

“Uh, y-yeah, actually.” You hate how you’re so flustered around him. “How’d he know? Did Yeri tell him or something?” 

“He said you guys shared an arranging class last semester.” Jaehyun recalls.

“Wait, really? I had no idea.” You start going off on how you could’ve missed such a thing and Jaehyun smiles. You’re much more comfortable when a rhythm has been established and the words flow out of you easily. You’re not as relaxed as where Jaehyun wants you to be, but he thinks it’s a good start. 

You continue with small talk from there, much less uptight than before and you feel glad. Jaehyun is as radiant in person as he is in your imagination. You find him to be very kind and your heart flutters even more. Jaehyun mentions he’s a musical theatre major and you do your best to act surprised despite it being one of the only things you know about him prior to this moment.

Before he gets a chance to tell you more about himself, a tall boy with long limbs calls out to Jaehyun that it’s his turn to join the next game of beer pong. Jaehyun looks reluctant to leave and you don’t want him to leave either, but you’d hate to hold him back from prior engagements. 

“Would you,” Jaehyun licks his lips in consideration, “like to play with me? I don’t have a partner.” 

You nod your head and readily agree, eager to spend more time with him.

You’ve only played beer pong a handful of times and being around Jaehyun makes you nervous, so you miss the first few shots. You feel embarrassed, but Jaehyun is patient and assures you that it’s no problem at all. His little words of encouragement mixed with the beer you drink helps melt your tension, and halfway through the game, you’re whooping and hollering with everyone watching the game. 

You high-five Jaehyun without a second thought after nailing a perfect shot and Jaehyun smiles even wider. The two of you are leading when Taeyong comes in to kick everyone out. 

“Sorry guys, party’s over.” 

Groans of complaints could be heard throughout the crowd, but Taeyong’s words are firm and he ushers everyone to leave. He has a few other frat members behind him helping out. He reaches the beer pong table and pulls Jaehyun aside. After a few exchanged words, Jaehyun nods in agreement and ends the game completely, apologizing to his opponents. 

You’re confused, so you carefully ask Jaehyun what’s going on. He sees you and his gaze softens, he quietly explains, “apparently, the campus police have received multiple noise complaints and since the fraternity already has a strike, Taeyong doesn’t really want to risk another. “

“Ah, I see.” You nod. You’re saddened by the turn of events, having finally eased into a relative comfort around Jaehyun and you yearn for more. “Well, I better go look for Yeri then.” 

This is a goodbye and you’re unsure of what else to say to him, your disappointment mixes with alcohol making you feel even more miserable. You want to ask for more, but can’t find the words to reach him. Luckily, Jaehyun does it for you. 

“Are you free sometime this week?” He asks. “I feel like we didn’t get a chance to really talk and I’d like to.” 

Your heart hammers and the blood rushes in your ears, but you still find yourself uttering a mousy agreement.

“Great,” his smile is dazzling and you feel dizzy. “It’s a date then.”

5. 24 Hours by Sunmi

rushed minutes. 

“Time goes by so quickly.”

“Hey,” a distant voice calls out and Jaehyun looks up from his phone to see your approaching figure. Your cheeks are rosy from the summer sun and stray pieces of your hair escape from your loosely styled updo. Jaehyun takes all of you in with careful appreciation.

“Hey yourself.” Jaehyun chuckles, slipping his phone casually in his pocket and standing up straighter to greet you properly.

Jaehyun sees the red of your face flush brighter, the soft color bleeding across your cheeks and onto your nose. Cute, he thinks. He watches as you tighten your grip on your clutch, knuckles white with nervous tension, in an attempt to gather your composure and calm your nerves. You clear your throat, “I didn’t know you’d be here so soon. You should’ve texted me.” 

“It’s all good, I finished early.” Jaehyun notices you no longer stutter around him like the first night you two met. He’s glad the days and nights of sober texting after exchanging numbers at the party did wonders to make you feel comfortable around him. He’s not too worried about your current ‘first-date’ anxiety, knowing it’ll be dispelled soon enough. “Shall we?” He moves to open the door and the cool rush of air from the cafe greets the two of you. 

The cafe is quaint and cozy, tucked away in a small corner of intersecting back streets and crowded buildings. Jaehyun discovered the little spot not too long ago and something, Jaehyun assumes his instincts, compelled him to take you to it for the first official date. It just felt right.

The two of you walk to the order counter and you take it all in. You can hear the quiet chatter of the cafe occupants mixed with the rattle of espresso machines being put to work. Your eyes scan over the decorations and several potted succulents hanging from the ceiling. It’s incredibly homey and you feel at ease. 

“Hiya, I can help the two of you whenever you guys are ready.” The barista is cheerful to a fault and Jaehyun watches you shoot her a grateful smile before your eyes move to the menu to decide on what to get. 

Jaehyun knows what he wants, so he waits patiently for you to decide, but seeing your eyebrows scrunch together in indecision, Jaehyun chuckles to himself. “I hear the iced lattes here are really good, particularly the caramel latte,” he offers. 

You perk up in surprise, but you recover quickly, “okay, that sounds good then. I was between that and the iced cocoa.”

“No problem, I’ll order then. Today’s on me.” Jaehyun says. 

Jaehyun walks up to the barista and quickly places the order. He reaches for his wallet after the barista recites the order, but he falters slightly when he sees your gaze glued to the cake display, particularly the crepe cake. 

“Can I get a slice of the chocolate crepe cake over there too?” 

“Of course! Here’s your new total,” she turns the touch screen display over to Jaehyun and he readily inserts his card to pay. When finished, Jaehyun turns back the screen and after a few taps from the barista, a receipt is printed and she hands him a buzzer. 

“Your order will be out shortly.” She informs him.

Jaehyun smiles and says a small ‘thank you’ in return before turning his attention to you. You look up to meet his eyes and you smile, “can we sit over there by the window?” 

You head to the little corner table first with Jaehyun steadily in tow. You sit at the chair that leaves your back to the window and Jaehyun is mesmerized by how the afternoon sunlight refracts through your silhouette. You’re glowing and Jaehyun swallows thickly. 

“So,” he starts. “What have you been up to?”

“Celebrating finishing my first year of college in one piece.” You laugh lightly. “I got by with passable grades, but other than that Yeri and I just finished moving into our new dorms. We’re no longer freshmen, so first year dorms are off limits. I’m gonna miss the convenient location.” You jokingly mope. 

Jaehyun laughs easily with you and before he gets a chance to reply, the buzzer goes off so he excuses himself to go pick up the order. 

A different barista places down a tray with your two drinks and a small slice of cheesecake with two dessert forks resting on some napkins. “Enjoy your order!” 

Jaehyun smiles in thanks and picks up the tray to bring it back to the table. He can’t wait to see the look on your face when you see the mille crepe cake and true to his expectations, your eyes light up at the sight of dessert. 

“Surprise.” He says. “I saw you looking at it earlier.” 

Jaehyun watches as you immediately grab a small fork and try a piece of the cake with unrestricted child-like excitement. Your eyes light up at the taste of the delicate layers of fresh whipped cream and thin crepes and the smile you shoot in his direction has Jaehyun’s heart beating a little faster than he’s willing to admit. 

“Thank you!” You look up at him. “It’s so good, you should definitely try a bite too.” 

“Yeah? I’ll try some then.” Jaehyun sits down and leans even closer to you over the table, his mouth open and expectant and his eyes staring straight into yours. 

You try your best to bite back the scarlet fighting to stain your cheeks as you cinch off a small section of the cake with your fork. Your hand falters just the slightest bit when delivering the small confection to his awaiting mouth, but you push through and feed him despite the embarrassment you feel. 

Jaehyun chews slowly and deliberately, taking his time to lick the stray whipped cream from the corner of his mouth. You lose the game of chicken, breaking eye contact first. 

“Yeah,” he agrees. “It’s good. We should definitely come back.” 

You let out a little awkward cough, desperate to ward off your cloud of emotions. “Uhm, yeah sure.”

Jaehyun has always thought you were cute, but he thinks you’re especially cute today. 

“Anyway,” you start. You want to change the topic because you don’t think you can survive this tension without your brain frying. “I feel like I’ve just seen you around recently. I should’ve run into you a long time ago since the performing arts college is so small.” 

“Oh,” Jaehyun is a little taken aback. “I used to be over at the East Campus. I was a business and administration major for two years before I switched over to musical theatre.”

“Wait really?” Your surprise erases any tension you felt earlier. “I had no idea.”

“Yeah,” he laughs. “It doesn’t really come up in conversation.” 

“Why’d you switch over? If you don’t mind me asking.” 

Jaehyun contemplates his reply for a second as takes a sip of his coffee. “Well, when I entered college, I didn’t really know what I wanted, so I just followed whatever my parents wanted me to do. I actually knew I liked musical theatre for the longest time, but it took time for me to build up the courage to switch. My parents weren’t happy with it at first and we fought for the longest time, but I think they’ve warmed up to it enough by now. I’ve never really talked about this though, I just tell people I transferred from a different college and the conversation just ends there I guess, but it’s really no big deal.”

“Thank you for telling me this, Jaehyun.” Your voice is sincere and Jaehyun believes you.

“What about you, hm?” Jaehyun returns. “Why CWP?” 

“I don’t really have one point that changed my life and helped me find my calling or whatever,” you ponder with a tilt of the head and the taste of cream dissolving in your mouth. “But ever since I was little, I always knew I was gonna end up doing something in music. I was never good at singing though, so vocal performance was out the door and I wasn’t that interested in classical instruments either, so that helped me narrow stuff down. Actually, what really helped me decide was during orientation, my group leader was a contemporary writing and production major and she told me all about it and I’ve been sold ever since. I really like it though, and have no intention of switching.”

“That’s good. Sometimes I wish I switched earlier.” Jaehyun muses. “I feel so behind sometimes. Most people in my class have already been in at least one musical and an internship, except for me. I think about it a lot, but I try not to let it get me so down.” 

“You shouldn’t feel that way!” You try your best to cheer him up, and Jaehyun appreciates it a lot more than he thought he would. “Everyone has their own pace, that’s what college is all about! Nothing is ever wasted time. You can think of your time as a business admin major as a way to help you make up your mind on your true passion. You told me you’ve always liked musical theatre, but I’ve bet without the time in business, you would’ve never known you liked it enough to pursue a career out of it.”

Jaehyun laughs at your earnesty. He thinks you’re a touch naive, but your words make him feel light. “You’re right. I can say for sure I wasn’t happy as a business major.”

“See? Nothing is ever wasted time if you can discover your true happiness out of it.” 

The two of you exchange easy chatter after that and between small bites of cake and sips of coffee, Jaehyun thinks you’ve become prettier and prettier.

“What was it like?” You ask absentmindedly.

“Hm? What was ‘what’ like?”

“Being a business and administration major.”

Jaehyun has to think about it. He recalls constantly dressing up for group presentations and boring lectures, but his mind wanders to his activities outside the classroom. He remembers the constant partying and the blur of faces that helped him keep his bed warm. He remembers brief flings and relationships cut short. He doesn’t want to think about those things when he’s next to you. “Uhm. It was okay, nothing special, but that reminds me–”

“Yeah?”

“Are you free next weekend?”

“I should be. Why, what’s up?”

“Great,” Jaehyun smiles while taking the last sip of his coffee. “I’m having a housewarming party at my new apartment. You should definitely be there.” 

--

The day of the long awaited housewarming party rolls up sooner than expected between settling into your new dorm with Yeri and the occasional small ‘get-togethers’ with Jaehyun. They’re actually dates if you're being honest, but you don’t want to put a title on anything in case he wasn’t on the same page as you. Being with Jaehyun made you giddy in more ways than one, but that means the anxiety that pools at the base of your stomach grows larger each day when the relationship between the two of you goes unnamed. You feel greedy when you desperately grasp at the shred of time you share with him, always unwillingly to let go.

“Are you ready?” Yeri’s voice breaks you out of your small reverie. Her hand is poised, ready to knock on the black door of Jaehyun’s apartment, waiting for you to gather your composure. Yeri is dressed to the nines in a cute skirt with a top to match. She wants to look good for her new boyfriend and you teased her endlessly for it when the two of you were getting ready.

“Mark’s one lucky guy.”

“Shut up. Worry about yourself.”

“All I do is love you, yet you’re so mean to me.”

Regardless of her harsh words toward you, she helped you toss your closet inside and out for the perfect outfit to woo Jaehyun, even if it meant showing up late to the party. 

The two of you leave your dorm twenty minutes later than you intended and it also didn’t help that Jaehyun’s apartment was difficult to find, tucked away in a small building between towering skyscrapers, but now is finally the moment of truth. 

“Yeah, I’m ready as I’ll ever be,” you mutter as you watch Yeri knock on the door. 

It takes a minute before the door creaks open and Jaehyun’s head pops out. His smile is radiant and you’re absolutely ensnared by the way his fringe falls over his forehead. 

“Hey, glad you two could make it.” Jaehyun opens the door wider to allow you and Yeri to enter. He greets Yeri with polite warmth while he wraps an arm over your shoulders. When Yeri heads in the apartment first with her back against the two of you, Jaehyun steals a quick peck to your temple and whispers, “you look pretty tonight.”

His touch is fleeting and he pulls back quickly, as if you imagined the whole thing, but his cheeky smile tells you that it really did happen. Your heart hammers and you force yourself to focus on the steady thrum of mellow R&B that reverberates throughout his apartment to calm yourself. You take his apartment in steady strides with your full attention. It’s sleek and modern with a few pops of his personality here and there in the form of trinkets decoration choices. 

“Hey!” Johnny calls over from the couch. He has a beer in hand, but he’s far from tipsy. Flanked on one side is Doyoung with another beer to match and on the other is Sicheng. Seulgi, the girl, who you assume is Sicheng’s significant other, by the way his arm is casually wrapped around her waist, is also there and she nods at you in greeting. You've come to know about all of them after hanging out with Jaehyun so much. “Did you guys get lost or something?” 

“Yeah,” Yeri replies as she moves to sit next to Mark who’s on the adjacent loveseat and resting a drink on the coffee table.  “Something like that.”  

She places a sweet kiss to the corner of Mark’s mouth in greeting and you swear you can hear him crooning at the attention. 

“Doesn’t matter, Johnny. The important thing is that they’re here now.” Jaehyun interjects. “Do you guys want anything to drink?”

“That’d be nice.” You hum.

Yeri laughs in agreement, “yeah, the two of us could never say no to a drink.”

“Alright, I’m on it.” Jaehyun calls while moving to the kitchen. “Any preferences?”

“No,” you say. “Surprise us.”

Jaehyun works to mix drinks and you take a seat on the floor next to the coffee table to observe the party. Perched on the shelf of a slender bookcase in the corner of his living room is a bluetooth speaker playing music, the rhythm quiet and bass steady as everyone chatters away once introductions are made on the sofas. You remember him offhandedly mentioning that he doesn’t want any noise complaints on his first week in the new place and it makes sense. Jaehyun’s housewarming party is a quiet affair that is far different from the wild party at the frat house in which you met him, but you think this vibe fits Jaehyun more.

Jaehyun returns shortly with two drinks in tow for you and Yeri and sits himself snugly next to you on the floor. He picks his idle beer from the coffee table and once Johnny realizes that everyone in the proximity has a drink in hand, he raises his voice and beer in a toast. “It sucks that Taeyong couldn’t make it tonight, but here’s to having fun without him. We’re gonna get twice as fucked up to make up for his absence, cheers!”

Everyone lets out a chuckle, but obliges to humor him anyway and joins to connect their drink to his in cheers. 

You pull your cup back and take a big gulp of the drink. It’s sweet and carbonated, but the sting of alcohol at your throat leaves you wincing just the slightest bit.

A few pleasantries are exchanged here and there, but it’s only then does Doyoung pull out a deck of cards with a devilish glint in his eyes that deceive his looks. 

“Ring of fire, anyone?”

--

After who knows how many rounds of ring of fire (and maybe a few other drinking games here and there) with too many drink refills for you to remember, you somehow find yourself splayed on the couch and leaning over Yeri’s shoulder in support. Seulgi is on the other side of you leaning on you for support, the same way you’re doing to Yeri, but you don’t mind it one bit. The three of you have grown surprisingly close with one another throughout the night.

Your mind is lucid enough to still be conscious and completely aware of where you are and what you’re doing, but the alcohol in your system eats away at the details in your memory. 

You vaguely recall ridiculous punishments that involved Johnny twerking on the dining room table and Mark taking a shot of Jack Daniels mixed with ketchup, and you can’t help but snicker to yourself. 

“I think we should get going now.” Sicheng is the first to speak as he moves to help Seulgi up. “It’s getting late.”

Doyoung looks a little groggy, but when he checks the time, he perks up immediately, “oh shit, you’re right. I need to get going too, I’ve got something in the morning.”

With that everyone shuffles to clean the remnants of the party with as much grace as they can muster while intoxicated, which wasn’t much, but in twenty minutes, Jaehyun is already walking half the party to the door in goodbye. Only you, Mark, and Yeri are left. 

“Hey Yeri,” Mark calls softly to Yeri as he brushes a strand of hair from her face. “Are you ready to go too?”

Yeri is still sprawled on the couch with you, but mumbles a small response. “Yeah, I should be. Give me a second.”

She turns over to you and nudges you just the slightest bit. “I’m gonna go back to Mark’s tonight, are you gonna be okay?”

“Yeah,” you assure her. “I’ll be fine, just go have fun.”

“She’s free to rest here until she’s ready to leave, don’t worry. I’ll call a cab for her when the time comes.” Jaehyun pipes up. 

Yeri gives you a look, but you squeeze her hand one last time to give her some peace of mind. “I’m a big girl, Yeri. I’ll be okay, promise. I’ll walk you to the door, Mark’s waiting.”

You give Yeri a tight hug in goodbye and you find your way back to the couch. The fact that you’re all alone in Jaehyun’s apartment doesn’t hit because of the remnants of alcohol in your system melts away your nerves. 

You’re pleasantly buzzed, lost in your own thoughts when Jaehyun comes up to you with a glass of water in hand. “Here, so you don’t feel as bad tomorrow morning.”

You accept it gratefully and take in big gulps, the water refreshing, but your skin feels hot. 

Jaehyun takes a seat next to you and the proximity makes your head spin. You turn to look at him, and he flashes you a smile.

“Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?”

“You might’ve mentioned something.” You tease. “But I don’t mind hearing it again.”

“Well,” he hums. You’re not sure, but you think the distance between the two of you is decreasing. “You really do look stunning tonight.”

You flush at his words, but you look straight into his eyes. “You don’t look too bad yourself.”

“Yeah? I try to impress.” Jaehyun’s eyes are hooded and your throat goes dry. “Can I kiss you?”

You say nothing at first, his words not registering into your muddled brain, but when you feel his breath ghost over your lips, you don’t hesitate to close the gap between you. 

His lips are slightly chapped and you can taste the vodka on his breath, but to you it’s perfect. Jaehyun’s perfect.

Jaehyun kisses you with reserved passion and practiced expertise. His tongue sets the rhythm against yours and his roaming hands have you feeling as if you’ve been set ablaze. He pulls back just the tiniest bit and the intense longing for his touch that hits you is indescribable. 

You pull him back in your arms and your lips reconnect in a desperate fervor. Jaehyun adjusts his arms around you and the next you know, you’re in his embrace and he’s carrying you to his bedroom. He places you down gently, his bed is plush and comforter soft. 

Jaehyun’s touch is gentle as he gathers your face in his hands. He kisses you again and you wrap your arm around his neck to pull him closer. He pulls back and looks at you earnestly. “I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with. We don’t have to do anything tonight.”

Everything’s moving so fast and you’re dizzy, but you don’t want whatever this is to stop. You want to be as close to Jaehyun as possible.

“No,” your voice is hoarse. “Don’t stop. I want you, Jaehyun.”

He kisses you again, this time unrestrained. His tongue is hot, but you can only savor it for a minute before he starts trailing kisses down your neck and tugging at your shirt. You let out a breathy moan in response to how his touches make you feel. 

Jaehyun reaches at your shorts and makes quick work at unbuttoning them. You help him remove the article of clothing and his slender fingers dart inside your panties. You’re slick to the touch and Jaehyun must be made of magic because you think you’re seeing stars. You unravel before him embarrassingly quick, but he kisses you at the base of your clavicle in sweet reassurance. 

Your chest is heaving, but you want more. You grab at Jaehyun’s shirt, urging him to take it off. The expanse of his abdomen is a sight to behold, but Jaehyun is cruel and doesn’t give you the time to take it in. He’s on top of you again, lips crashing onto yours once more. He reaches behind you to unclasp your bra and while he’s pre-occupied, you unbuckle his belt and steal a moment in his boxers. He feels thick and hot in your hands as you run your finger over the tip to feel a drop of pre-cum. He buckles just the slightest bit and it emboldens you. 

Jaehyun helps himself out of his jeans and you push him onto the bed wanting to be on top this time. He’s straining against his boxers and you want to help relieve the tension. When you pull off his boxers you can feel his inaudible groan. You stroke his length gingerly and look up to see him with hooded eyes look right back at you. 

This excites you so you take him in your mouth in a moment of unfiltered courage. Your tongue starts at the base before tracing your way up to his sensitive head. You tease him accordingly to his quiet grunts and groans and when you feel like he’s had enough, you take all of him in until his tip is hitting the back of your throat. You gag a bit, but push through.

“Fuck,” Jaehyun stutters out between stacatoed breaths. “Babe, you’re so good.”

You hum in pleasure at his praise and he grabs your hair. This goes on for a few more minutes before he reaches down to stop you. “Not that I don’t love this,” the look in your eyes nearly has him faltering his words, “but I don’t want to cum just yet.”

You relent with a slick pop and Jaehyun shifts over to rummage for a condom in his nightstand. You settle back down in his pillows. Jaehyun gives you a soft kiss on the lips before he enters you. 

“Tell me when it’s okay to move,” he whispers and you place a small kiss at the base of his neck. 

He starts off slow to let you acclimate to his size, but neither of you are very patient, so he ends up pounding into you a lot sooner than he anticipated and you find yourself getting caught up in the pleasure.

It feels like you’re dreaming, but if this was a dream, you never want to wake up.

6. Hush by Miss A

shh, no talking, just us.

“I can’t think straight.”

You and Jaehyun don’t become official until a few weeks later. 

He asks you one day when you’re naked and out of breath. You’ve gone one too many rounds with him and a thin layer of sweat coats your body as you lay on his heaving chest. You absentmindedly draw shapes on his skin and he gives you a chaste kiss to your temple.

“We should date.” He hums. “I think I’d make a good boyfriend.”

“Yeah?” You raise your eyebrow in teasing.

“Yeah,” he ascertains. “Give me a chance and I’ll show you.”  

“Hmm,” you pretend to think it over as if this wasn’t you’ve been hoping for since the first moment you laid eyes on him. “Okay. Let’s give it a try, boyfriend.”

Jaehyun laughs and you feel the world fall into its right place. “Alright, girlfriend.”

And the rest is history as they say. 

Jaehyun isn’t your first, but you experience many firsts with him. You’re not exactly inexperienced, but he really opens your eyes.

“Fuck,” he groans into your neck. His hands grip at your hips to help guide you along, but you’re fully in charge. “You’re doing so good, babe. Just like that.” 

You didn’t see yourself as someone who liked to take charge during sex, but after that one time Jaehyun asked you to top, you’ve never looked back since. 

You roll hips into him and at a pace you know drives Jaehyun wild and you pull him into a sloppy kiss. It’s all tongue and no grace, but you love it the same regardless. You capture his bottom lips between your teeth playfully before pushing him flat on his back until he’s firm against his plush mattress. You place a hand on his chest and the other on his thigh to balance yourself and Jaehyun immediately knows you’re close. 

A hand rests on your hip to steady you while the other snakes over to play with your clit to further stimulate you toward your climax. Jaehyun knows what you like and his timing is impeccable, so before you know it, both of you are reaching your highs together. You collapse on his chest and you allow yourself to stay in his warmth long enough to have your breaths synchronize before you extricate yourself from him to head to his bathroom. 

When you come back out, he’s disposed of the used condom and opens your arm wide for a hug, which you gladly indulge in.

Time stops when you’re in his arms.

--

On the surface, it looks like Jaehyun likes to mix it up. He seems like  an elusive guy with varied tastes, but the more time you spend with him, you realize he likes the control of seeing you unravel before him.

He likes the intimacy of missionary. 

The close proximity to your body has him looking into your eyes and leaving you feeling the most vulnerable of ways. He has full access to your neck, which he lovingly claims as his own and you chide him the next day when you see scattered purple blooms. Jaehyun changes his pace on a whim and you fall to his mercy. When he takes you fast and hard, you see stars, but when thrusts in you with languid leisure, he has you begging for more. 

He likes the intensity of taking from behind. 

When you’re on your knees with your ass in the air, he takes it as a guarantee to fuck you senseless. Your muffled moans makes his dick twitch and you swear you can feel him fuck into you even faster. Jaehyun always makes sure to wrap his arms around you to finger your clit until you go into sensory overload and he doesn’t stop pounding into you until there are tears in your eyes. He kisses each one away before taking your lips in his and you can taste the salt water on his tongue.

He likes the dominance from eating you out.

He laps at your core like a starved man and makes good use of his adept fingers until your head is spinning. Jaehyun makes it a habit to eat you out until you’re satisfied before he gets his turn. When your thighs are on either side of his head and your hands tangled in his hair, he swears he can stay there forever.

Above all, Jaehyun just likes you. He likes being with you and he definitely likes fucking you and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

--

“Mmmh,” you breathe out.

Your back is flush against Jaehyun’s back as you rock your hips back and forth on his dick. You grind your ass back even harder when he pinches your nipple between his fingers. 

He kisses your shoulder blade from behind and bucks his hip upward to meet you in the middle. 

The afternoon sunlight is streaming in from the gaps of his blinds and you want to take it nice and slow today. The television in front of you is playing a movie, but you’re too enraptured by the feeling of him filling you to the brim to pay it any mind. 

“I love it when you’re on top, babe.” he hums as he plays with your clit. 

You let out another breathy groan before you can find the composure to bite back at him. “What happened to no sex today, hmm? I thought we were just going to have innocent quality time together and watch a movie.”

Jaehyun must’ve not liked your sass, so he bucks up harder. He’s telling you to pick up the pace and you oblige. Before you know, you’re practically bouncing on his dick and you can feel your impending high about to crash down on you. He can sense it too and maintains his tempo. When you cum, Jaehyun rides on the tail of your climax in pursuit of his own. He cums shortly after with stuttering hips and a bite on your shoulder. He gathers you in his arms and runs his tongue soothingly over where he bit you and the various love bites that he’s littered on the expanse of your skin. 

“Just being with you is quality time in itself.” He says. “Besides, class is starting soon, so I won’t get to see you as much.”

7. Disturbance by BoA

a ripple on the surface.

“I didn’t know at first.”

“So I do have a roommate after all,” Yeri’s voice calls out and you turn over to see her standing by the doorway. You roll your eyes at her, but quickly turn back to gather your things. 

She lets out a chuckle, but you don’t miss the sour edge to her tone. “I thought I got a single dorm since it’s so empty all the time.”

“You say that, Yeri,” you retort. “But I know you’re over at Mark’s constantly so I don’t wanna hear it from you.”

“Yeah, but I make time to come back here and I always let you know when I’m going out. I feel like I’ve only seen you maybe once or twice the past few months. I feel like the only reason I see you these days is ‘cause of classes.”

“You’re just exaggerating, don’t be so dramatic. Come on, let’s go. I don’t want to be late.”

She looks displeased, but nothing leaves her lips as the two of you head out for the day.

--

It’s late. 

When night falls, shadows come out to play and your college campus is riddled with them. The school auditorium is situated in the far corner of the campus and the lamp lights of the main walkways do little, but you pay it little mind. Jaehyun should be getting out soon.

It takes another ten minutes to see him emerge from the double doors and you perk up immediately at the sight of him. He looks a little shocked to see you, but greets you with a warm hug and small peck regardless. 

“Hey,” his voice is small, almost reserved. “What are you doing here? I thought I told you I was finishing late tonight.”

“Oh, you did, but I still wanted to see you.” You explain, eyes bright and tone undeterred.

“Not that I don’t appreciate it,” he licks his lip. “But it’s really late and I still have more stuff I need to work on. I’ll see you some other time, okay?”

“Oh, okay.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, babe. Next time.”

--

“Oh hey,” you smile, but Yeri’s fury is palpable and cuts through you.

“Don’t ‘oh hey’ me.” She spits out. “Where have you been? Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

Sheepish, you reply, “oh sorry. I forgot to fully charge it before leaving and Jaehyun and I have different phones, so I couldn’t charge it at his place.”

“You were at Jaehyun’s?” Yeri is glaring at you at this point and you feel a bit peeved. 

“Yeah. What of it?” 

Yeri’s been getting angry at you recently, losing her temper at the drop of a hat, and you can’t seem to pinpoint why. You’re getting tired of being her punching bag. 

“We made plans to go shop for Seulgi’s gift today. You promised you’d be there, don’t you remember?”

“Oh shit.” It completely slips from your mind and you open your mouth to apologize, but Yeri cuts you off before you get the chance.

“Forget it. I don’t want to hear it. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

Yeri turns to leave before you can say anything back.

8. Symptoms by SHINee

something’s wrong.

“The worse it gets, the more exhausted I get.”

Jaehyun feels off.

He can’t pinpoint exactly what he is that he’s feeling, but he thinks it’s reminiscent of his world being tilted by six degrees. It’s not immediately jarring and takes little time for his eyes to register, but he’ll occasionally bump his toe, signalling that this isn’t right. Things aren’t where they’re supposed to be. His head spins just the slightest bit and he feels woozy, but he doesn’t know why.

Jaehyun just feels off.

--

Jaehyun checks the bulletin board of his school auditorium almost religiously. 

Each time before and after class, he’ll swing by and peruse the flyers that hang from haphazardly stuck on pins. He ignores the tutoring offers and the part time jobs scams, his main focus is almost always on the center of the board where they post the upcoming musical theatre production and eventually, the cast list. 

This semester, the chosen production is La La Land and Jaehyun has been dead set on landing the role of Sebastian Wilder. He stays back extra late each day to practice the script and to work on his singing and annunciation. 

On the day of the audition, he’s sure he’s nailed it and thinks to himself the world must be ending if he weren’t to get the leading role. 

When he leaves the auditorium in a rush, excitement flows through his veins and he drinks in the night air as a toast of victory. He’s tipsy on his excitement and wants to laugh out loud, but in the corner of his vision, he sees you. Your eyes light up the sight up, outshining the moon and the stars, but your visage does not elicit the reaction he thinks it should. He expects his heart to swell and burst, but somehow he feels heavy. 

He pulls you in for a hug and a quick kiss to quell his weighted heart, but he thinks he’s starting to sink so he calls you off for the night. He’ll see you next time. 

Yeah, next time will be better.

--

You’re snuggled up close and personal on Jaehyun’s chest. Jaehyun notices you fill every nook and cranny of his being perfectly to a tee, and yet that feeling. It’s there again. 

Jaehyun feels off. 

You laugh at something one of the characters say and you cuddle harder into him. He feels heavy again and it makes his throat itch, so he swoops down and captures your lips.

It’s hard and fast to scrub away at his uneasiness and before he knows it, his clothes are missing, but so are yours. The foreplay is brief and almost impersonal, but he doesn’t care. He just needs to be inside you. 

When Jaehyun has you begging and writhing, he feels like the world is where it should be. No longer is he living at a slight angle when he’s buried to the hilt inside your warmth, so when he sees you, he does what he can to get you out of your pants. 

Today is no different from any other. 

After a satisfying session you roll on his chest. Your kiss is soft and sweet despite the sweat that covers both of your bodies. He hums quietly as he taps melodies on along your exposed spine.

“Jaehyun?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I love you.”

Ah. Jaehyun thinks he’s getting it now, why he’s feeling off.

Jaehyun thinks he’s being suffocated.

--

To the surprise of no one, and especially not to him, Jaehyun gets the leading role of Sebastian Wilder in La La Land. He was a shoe-in for it anyway and he made sure to put in the work to get it. 

His leading lady is someone by the name of Park Sooyoung, but at the first rehearsal she introduces herself as Joy.

“It’s nice to meet you.” She offers her hand out in a friendly greeting. “Here’s to a successful show together, Jaehyun.”

Her smile is blinding and he thinks Joy is a fitting name. He grasps her outstretched hand, grip firm and sure. 

“Yeah,” he smiles back. “Here’s to a good show together.”

--

Rehearsals span over blurred minutes and long hours. 

Jaehyun sees less and less of you and spends more and more time with her. 

During a quick water break, he scans his phone briefly to see a text notification from you. He takes another swig of water and returns to the rehearsal.

It’s okay, he can always text you back later.

9. Before U Go - TVXQ!

letting go.

“I will leave now.”

“Come on!” You tug both Mark and Yeri along excitedly. “I want to get good seats.”

Yeri rolls her eyes, but obliges anyway, pulling Mark along. It’s opening night for Jaehyun’s big musical and you wanted to be there no matter what to support him. Johnny, Doyoung, Taeyong, Sicheng, and Seulgi are already inside waiting and you’re not sure if they were able to save the three of you a spot. 

After a long chat with Yeri, you apologized profusely to her. You did get blinded by your relationship with him and prioritized him over everything, forgetting your friends and other responsibilities in the process. Yeri forgave you easily and helped keep you in line when you went to head over heels for Jaehyun. 

However, after patching things up with Yeri, you begin to notice a shift in your relationship with Jaehyun’s. You’re not quite sure how to describe it, but it almost feels like a distance almost. 

You chalk it up to his busy rehearsal schedule and choose not to dwell on the topic, in fears of your wandering imagination. It should be fine. After his musical is over, he’ll be less busy and things will fall back into place. 

Right?

“Over here!” Seulgi waves over excitedly. 

The auditorium is starting to fill up and you want to get comfortable before the show starts. 

Everyone greets each other in hushed tones and soon enough, the show starts. 

Right. Everything will be fine.

--

Jaehyun does amazing. 

Your eyes are trained on him the whole time and his singing has goosebumps pricking your skin. You can see the passion pour through him every time he’s on stage and you couldn’t be more proud. 

A nagging feeling at the pit of your stomach points out the undeniable chemistry between him and his co-star, but you push it deep down and suppress it. 

They’re actors, and they’re good at what they do. 

Yeah. They’re just acting. Yeah. Acting.

--

When the curtains close, you’re the first to shoot out of your seat, eager to meet him backstage. You weave through the endless crowd of people, murmuring your ‘sorry’s’ and ‘excuse me’s’ as you pass by. You reach the base of the backstage and shoot a message to let him know you’re waiting. You hum to yourself when you happen to overhear a conversation playing out. 

“You did so good, Jae.” 

“No, you definitely carried the show.” 

You turn up and you see them. Her eyes are almost soft and loving as she pulls your boyfriend in for a hug. They linger in the embrace longer than necessary and you clear your throat to catch his attention. 

He jolts just the slightest bit when he sees you and immediately lets her go. 

“Everyone’s waiting,” you say quietly. 

“Okay,” he nods. “Let me go get my stuff in the back.”

Jaehyun leaves the two of you alone and you wait for him to get back. 

When you leave, he waves goodbye to her and she smiles back.

--

Jaehyun’s celebration party is rowdy, but it’s to be expected when Johnny is the one hosting. 

He books a table at the local club and even orders bottle service. The eight of you work your way through two whole bottles of tequila and are already on your third. Jaehyun is downing the shots at a quicker pace than usual and you’re a bit concerned, but you’re unable to say anything because when you try, he whisks himself away to the dance floor and strikes up a conversation with someone else. 

You’re perturbed, but you say nothing. This is his celebration night and he can choose to enjoy it how he wishes. 

By the end of the night, Jaehyun is noticeably drunk and you haul him outside to get a breath of fresh air in hopes of sobering up. He’s heavy, but you make it out the side door. You prop him up on your side as you lean on the grimy brick walls. 

Months have passed and the weather is chilly. 

Jaehyun’s body sways and he murmurs something in your ear. You don’t catch it the first time, the overwhelming smell of tequila overtaking your senses. 

“What was that?”

He grumbles beneath his breath, steps staggering once more. He tries again, this time his words are crisp and clear and they cut into you in more ways than one. 

“I think we should end it.”

For someone so drunk, he sounds so sober.

You’re at a loss for words. A part of you knew this was coming from his lack of enthusiasm around you and his decreased texts. Even the cold night air couldn’t keep your heartbreak at bay. You say nothing, but you understand the both of you knew it was a silent agreement.

You breathe out wisps of chilled air as Jaehyun’s inebriated body stays slumped over on your side. 

--

You volunteer to take Jaehyun home.

You tuck him gently in bed making sure to prop him on his side in case he vomits during the night. You pour a glass of water and place an ibuprofen on his nightstand drawer for him in the morning. 

You kiss him on the forehead one last time. You hope it conveys all of the things brewing in your heart at the moment, but you know it doesn’t. 

Later, you leave his apartment with all of your belongings that you ever left there with the stars as your witness. 

You never return to his place again.

10. Coffee Shop by B.A.P

what could’ve been.

“So without knowing, like a habit, I came here.”

Jaehyun wakes up to an empty bed.

Morning sunlight streams through his blinds and burns at his skin as a sign to get ready for the day. He blinks the drowsiness from his system and stretches his weary joints before heading to the bathroom to get ready for the day. 

On his rare day offs, he allows his body to go on auto-pilot. He completely shuts his brain off and allows it to do whatever it chooses.

Today, it takes him back to the cafe. 

His body knows where it’s going before it registers in his mind. 

The barista manning the order counter is different, but the decorations are the same, still the same succulents hanging from the ceilings. He mulls over the menu and goes up to order.

“Can I get an iced caramel latte?” Jaehyun doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth, but he’s feeling nostalgic today. 

“Of course! Here’s your total.” 

He pays with a swipe of his card and the barista goes to work making his drink. He waits around by the counter and soon enough, his drink is ready. That particular table is empty, so he grabs a chair to sit. His first sip is overly saccharine, but he appreciates how the flavor mellows out by the end of it. 

It’s been nearly a year since that night. 

Jaehyun remembers waking up to a splitting headache and a dry mouth. He thought nothing of the prepared setup as he gulps the ibuprofen and the glass of water in one go. Nothing seemed amiss really until a few days later. 

No one mentioned your name around him and he caught Seulgi giving him a look every now and then. Mark didn’t say much either, but Jaehyun felt him drifting away.

He thought he’d feel a lot more, but he didn’t. One day you were a part of his life and then the next day you weren’t. It really was that simple.

He kept in contact with Joy even after La La Land was over and maybe they were something more, but it didn’t last longer than a few weeks. 

It didn’t feel right when he was with her. Again, something felt off, but a different kind of off.

Joy was the one to end things with him, but he didn’t mind too much. 

He filled his days with study and practice and it wasn’t until he landed a job at his local theatre company that he realized.

It was you. It was always you and perhaps it still is you. 

Maybe you were different. Maybe you were the one, but Jaehyun didn’t try.

He recalls feeling smothered. You were always there at the beginning, but he took that for granted. 

There are a lot of things he regrets, but above all, he regrets not talking with you. He regrets not trying to work on it. He regrets being a coward and running away at the first signs of true emotions. 

You weren’t perfect, but neither was he, but he should’ve stayed so the both of you could work it out together. Jaehyun always did take too long to find the courage to pursue what he wanted.

With a final sip, he finishes the drink and moves to throw it away. Then, he sees you. Here, in the flesh, in almost a year. 

Your hair is longer, but your cheeks are still as rosy as ever. You walk up to order and Jaehyun thinks it’s a sign. He moves to greet you, but the doors open again and in walk Yeri and Seulgi. He watches you greet them warmly with wide open arms. 

You always did give the best hugs.

Jaehyun watches the three of you chatter away and he feels acutely out of place in the little cafe. You look happy and he should move on. 

He throws his finished cup in the trash can and moves to exit through the side door, but he moves too slowly.

“Jaehyun, is that you?” You call out. He looks into your steady gaze and almost feels shy. 

“Yeah,” he’s quiet. “It’s been awhile.”

“It has,” you agree. “You look well.”

The smile you give him has him believing in second chances and maybe he’ll get it right this time.

Note: i am so sorry that the second part is a hot mess express smh… there were a lot of things i planned and intended that didn’t happen, but i’ll just take this as a learning experience and write and better story next time. thanks for taking the time to read this !! <3

masterlist.

[alphadaddyderek]

Not all math puns are awful, just sum (sterek fic, high school au)

ao3 link: click if you dare

summary: ’what is the probability that anyone will pass this fucking class? I’m thinking 1 in 100’

Stiles shakes his head because that was such a bad math joke that it was actually kinda funny. And, based on the expressions on people’s faces during class, also very true.

'i think there is statistical data to back up your theory’

AU where Stiles and Derek have to share a textbook and they write terrible math puns back and forth to each other.

Stiles sincerely, genuinely, regrets taking AP classes.

Well, kinda.

They would look great on his resume. Colleges wouldn’t even second guess accepting him and he would receive so many scholarships which would help his dad big time.

AP classes will also raise his GPA crazy high which, again, looks great to colleges.

Sometimes they just suck.

His AP Statistics class is definitely #1 on the ‘classes that suck straight ass list’.

It’s boring and it can be kinda hard. Plus it’s math so it’s automatically gross.

Stiles is good at math, but it’s not his forte, that’s more Lydia Martin’s thing.

Anyway, Beacon Hills High had to have some budget cuts this year, like, serious budget cuts. The sports teams are lucky that people care about people throwing balls all over the place, otherwise they would’ve gotten cut too.

Since the school has had budget cuts, the students don’t get individual textbooks anymore. Meaning, that they can only use it during class and then they have to leave it in the classroom for the next class to use.

So, yeah.

It’s the third week of junior year, AP Stat is as boring as always. He has Lydia to talk to sometimes but she has other friends in the same class, so he's not always entertained.

The teacher didn’t really care about whether or not students did the work, he just played chess on his computer the whole class anyway. He gave the page number that we were supposed to work on and that was that.

Stiles prefers that to lectures, but still. When he’s done the work there’s nothing left for him to do. He could go on his phone, but even that gets boring eventually.

What he’s trying to say is that he’s bored, okay?

Turning to the page that the teacher assigned, Stiles is shocked and wildly amused, to already see writing on the margins of the page. He figured it would take at least half the school year before people started vandalizing the textbooks. Although, it’s written in pencil so it’s easily erasable.

When Stiles actually reads what was written he snorts. Luckily, it’s loud in the class so the most attention he gets is when Lydia shoots him a weird look which he ignores.

'what is the probability that anyone will pass this fucking class? I’m thinking 1 in 100'

Stiles shakes his head because that was such a bad math joke that it was actually kinda funny. And, based on the expressions on people’s faces during class, also very true.

Should he write something back? Stiles doesn’t know if the person who wrote this is hoping for a response, or if they wrote in the book because they’re just as bored as Stiles is.

Eh, fuck it. Why not?

'i think there is statistical data to back up your theory’

Stiles snickers at his equally bad math joke before finally deciding to focus on the actual work. He didn’t want to be one of the ones who didn’t pass the class, because that would suck. So he does the work and for the remainder of the class he lets out a giggle or two every once in a while because even though he’s 16 years old, he apparently still has the sense of humor of a child.

π π π

It’s the next class and honestly, Stiles kind of forgot about the writing in the textbook. After he left that class he went to AP Geography where there was immediately a test, which he nailed by the way. Plus, with all his other classes, he just didn’t think it was important to remember a bad, but still funny, math joke in a textbook.

The teacher assigns them another page number full of questions to work on. And, just like last time, there’s writing in the margins.

‘i’m sorry, that was pretty mean of me to say’

That one has Stiles laughing out loud. Not too loud though, because he doesn’t have that much of a death wish. He just laughs loud enough to make Lydia send him another weird look, except this time Lydia questions him about it.

“What is so funny?” she asks, twirling her hair with her pencil.

Stiles shakes his head. “Nothing really. Just somebody writing lame math jokes on the book pages.”

“Well, you’re laughing at them. So doesn’t that make you lame as well?”

Stiles dramatically gasps.

“Wow, Lydia, that was pretty mean of you to say,” Stiles replies before bursting into more laughter.

At this point, Lydia is looking at him like he has brain damage but he really can’t bring himself to care. It’s hilarious and if she doesn’t think so then oh well. Her loss.

Well, she doesn’t know that that was the joke inside the textbook, but still, whatever.

It’s funny.

π π π

By this point, it’s kind of like Stiles and this unknown jokester are pen pals.

It’s been a week filled with terrible math jokes and Lydia probably losing more and more respect for him as the days pass.

He’s told Scott about his little pen pal and of course, Scott doesn’t really get it, but he’s supportive nonetheless.

It’s a Friday night and Scott is at Stiles’ house. They’re playing video games and eating so much pizza that Stiles will be bloated for an entire week.

Thankfully, his dad is on the night shift, otherwise, he would be heavily judgmental of Stiles’ life choices.

After several rounds of Mario Kart, they take a break to eat said pizza and talk a bit.

“So,” Scott takes a huge bite of his slice. “how are you and your math buddy doing?”

Stiles takes a bite of his own slice. “Why are you asking? Jealous?”

Scott laughs. “Oh yeah, I’m so jealous. Please, Stiles, make terrible math jokes with me.”

Stiles flips Scott off. “You only mock because you really are jealous.”

Scott rolls his eyes and then the topic is dropped.

At least for the next hour or so. Then after that, it gets brought back up.

“Do you think it’s weird to have a crush on someone you’ve never met?” Stiles asks, playing with a loose thread on his jeans.

Scott looks at Stiles, and Stiles does not want to see the weird look Scott has on his face so he continues looking down.

“You have a crush on this person?”

Stiles shrugs. “I don’t know. They’re funny, and obviously, they’re smart if they’re in AP Stat. I would like to meet this person though, maybe. I don’t know.”

Stiles feels his cheeks heating up.

Scott nudges Stiles with his elbow. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s not weird at all. It’s kinda like online dating, but like medieval style.”

Stiles can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of his throat. “What?”

It’s like medieval style! ‘Cause, it’s in a book. Instead of online.”

Scott is always able to make Stiles feel better, no matter the situation. His goofiness especially lightens his mood.

“Okay, Scott. Are we going to go jousting next?”

“I don’t know. What you guys do on your first date is none of my business,” Scott says with a sly smile.

Stiles snorts and grabs a pillow off the couch behind them and smacks Scott in the face with it, resulting in a pillow fight ensuing.

And if anybody asks, Scott did not win. He didn’t!

π π π

2 weeks after he and Scott had that talk, Stiles continues talking with his pen pal. Although, maybe Stiles is looking too deep into this, but it kind of seems like flirting now?

Hear him out.

In the margins, the person started adding smiley faces and winky faces after every message.

Ooh and they actually put their initials! D.H.

Stiles doesn’t think he knows anyone in school with those initials. Granted, Stiles isn’t exactly a social butterfly so he’s not doubting their existence at all.

AP Stat only has 5 minutes left in the class. Stiles has already embarrassed himself in front of Lydia more times than he can count, so he decides to ask Lydia if she knows someone with those initials.

She purses her lips. “Why do you ask?”

Stiles sighs inwardly before answering. “Uh, well. I was just...wondering. Ya know. Trying to expand my friend circle.”

Lydia raises an eyebrow. And Stiles sighs outwardly this time.

“Fine. You know the jokes that were in the book?”

“You mean from like a month ago?”

“Well...we’ve kinda been continuing to exchange jokes and notes and stuff. And then recently they put their initials. Or, at least I think it’s their initials. I don’t know what else it would be. So, yeah.”

Lydia looks at him for a moment before her lips curl up into a smile. “You mean you’ve finally found someone who has a worse sense of humor than you?”

Stiles returns the smile. “I’ll have you know, my sense of humor is advanced. Way too advanced even for you.”

“Uh-huh. Anyway, the only name that comes to mind is Derek Hale.”

Stiles chokes on his own spit. “Derek Hale? You mean the star of the basketball team? The guy with eyes that are like fifty different colors and bunny teeth that would look ridiculous on anyone else but he somehow looks gorgeous with them? That Derek Hale?”

“Yes. Other than that, I don’t know anyone else with those initials.”

“Does he take AP Stat?”

Lydia shrugs. Stiles takes that as a no.

There’s no way that Derek Hale is the one writing these notes. No way in hell. Stiles isn’t that lucky.

Plus, even if Derek is the one writing these, hypothetically speaking, Derek wouldn’t be interested in him. Don’t get Stiles wrong, he knows he’s a pretty attractive guy. But nobody in this school is as attractive as Derek Hale. Let's be real here.

Okay, maybe Danny. Danny is kinda gorgeous.

But besides Danny, nobody is even on the same level as Derek.

Well, Lydia is too.

Okay, dammit. People are on the same level as Derek Hale. The point is that Stiles isn’t.

Stiles sighs for what seems like the eighth time in. “Okay. Thanks.”

Lydia gives him a scrutinizing look before nodding and getting on her phone.

Stiles sits there and ponders why his life is like this before deciding that he must've done something to piss off fate in a past life. Pleased with his conclusion, Stiles shoves his notebook and pencils into his backpack just in time for the bell to ring.

π π π

Okay, so, Stiles must be going crazy.

When he saw that his pen pal had written his initials he figured, ‘hey, I might as well do the same. It’s only decent right?’ so he had, and ever since then Derek Hale has been shooting him looks in the hallway.

Maybe he’s hallucinating, because Derek Hale is, well, Derek Hale. Out of everyone in the hallway, why would he be looking at Stiles?

Also, Stiles can’t be the only person in the school with the initials S.S. although, he probably is the only S.S. that’s taking AP Stat so there’s that.

Stiles doesn’t know what to do, should he wave? Shoot him a smile?

Actually no, he should do neither of those things because if he does, and Derek actually wasn’t looking at him, that would be so unbelievably embarrassing. So embarrassing that Stiles would have to transfer schools immediately.

Stiles shakes his head and opens up his locker to gather his things for his next class. When he closes the locker Derek is standing right there like they’re in a horror movie and Stiles jumps so hard that he drops his notebook.

“Shit. Sorry,” Derek says and bends down to swipe Stiles’ notebook off the floor.

“No, it’s okay. You’re awfully quiet for an athlete.”

Stiles holds his hand out for his notebook but Derek doesn’t seem all that interested in returning it to him just yet. Derek looks at the front of his notebook.

“Hmm. AP Stat. Interesting.”

Stiles bites his lip and nods. “Yep,” he says popping the ‘p’. “it is interesting. Well, actually it’s not. AP Stat is yuck sometimes and it can get boring but it’ll look great on my resume so.”

Derek nods. He looks at Stiles for a few more seconds before he opens his mouth, and the second he does, Stiles’ stomach fills with butterflies.

“What is the probability that anyone will pass that fucking class? I’m thinking 1 in 100.”

Stiles bites his lip to stifle his smile. He doesn’t want to cheese like an idiot in front of Derek Hale but he thinks that ship has already sailed cause Derek’s lips stretch into a big smile.

Stiles clears his throat. “I think there is statistical data to back up your theory.”

“Oh, is there?” Derek asks, smile turning into a smirk.

Stiles nods then looks at his notebook that is still in Derek’s hand. “Can I have my notebook now? I’m not sure what exactly you’re plotting but I don’t like it.”

Derek scrunches his face up. “Wow, that was bad.”

Stiles’ mouth gapes. “Like yours were any better.”

Derek shrugs, smile returning to his face. “I thought my mean joke was pretty hilarious.”

“Yeah, hilariously bad. I didn’t laugh at all, not one bit.”

Derek looks like he doesn’t believe a word Stiles just said, which is fair, he shouldn’t.

“So,” Derek begins, eyes boring into Stiles’— seriously, what is up with Derek’s eyes? — “what is the probability that you will give me your number?”

Stiles pretends to think about it for a second. “I'm thinking 100 in 100.”

[fairestwriting]

title: half doomed and semi-sweet

word count: 5308

summary: Idia's bad luck comes back to haunt him again, being dragged into physically showing up to class and being assigned a group project involving a student from a different year, courtesy of Mr. Trein. His... "best friend", Kero Tricarenia, sees his distress in the situation, and swoops in to save him, though that might be what actually ends him instead of the project...

commissioned by @chibichibisha  , available on ao3 here ! tysm for the commission, i hope you like it! you have no idea how excited i was to write kero asjkdfsf-

my guidelines for commissions are here, in case anyone else is interested !

Of course that in the day Idia is made to actually show up to class, something like this happens.

The fact that it’s Trein’s class just makes it somehow worse. Of course, it’s not all bad, he gets to see Lucius napping on the teacher’s desk—! ...but, he also gets to be pestered by Cater the second he’s walking in, and then the second he’s walking out, plus, just the presence of all these people… Idia shudders just thinking about it.

He pulls his hoodie closer to his face, trying to shield it in vain. He just wanted to go back to his room. Trein was the worst for making him actually show up. He’d been attending classes through the tablet for so long, what was the issue with today specifically? Why couldn’t he just do it the way he always does? He just doesn’t get it—

“Before class is dismissed,” Trein starts in that voice of his, commanding yet with a hint of a drawl that makes Idia want to delve into eternal slumber. “I have an announcement to make. Due to recent events, the headmaster has assigned the teachers the task of building… teamwork, and solidarity, between students, even the ones in different years, and I’ve been chosen to apply that, so your monthly History assignment will work somewhat differently this time.”

Great. Awesome. These were his favorite words in the whole world. As if today couldn’t get any worse.

“I’ll need you to gather a pair or trio with students from different years, to build a mockup representing a historical event of your choosing. You’re supposed to inform me of your groups until tomorrow's class, and the deadline will be held two weeks from now, on February 13th. You’ll be presenting your works the day after.”

Idia feels the clammy hands of dread on both his ankles, threatening to pull him under. Of course this would get worse somehow. He exhales a deep sigh, burying his face on his hands… he’d have to email Mr. Trein about doing the assignment by himself later. And it’d be such an unpleasant conversation, with how he insisted on having students follow all these traditional learning methods.

Really, why the hell were they getting group projects now, out of all things? They had one foot out of school, basically. Fourth year barely had any classes, most of the students’ times filled up with internships and research so what did they get out of trying to “develop teamwork skills” within their students? None of these people would be talking to each other by the time they graduate, anyways… they were wasting resources to max out a stat that didn’t matter.

He tugs the hood of his jacket over his face again as he walks out of the classroom, sneaking outside like he’s avoiding to get scolded — The blue glow of his hair insisting on sticking out, Idia feels his heart race and squeeze while he makes his way across the crowded hallways. He swears he hears Cater’s voice calling for him as he leaves, too… but maybe he’s just making it up, because of how especially cursed he feels today.

What an awful morning, really. At least locking himself up with that MMO he’s gotten hooked on recently would feel even more cathartic.

After the nerve-wracking walk, Trein’s words poking at him like imps with their tridents — Him trying to figure out how to convince that teacher to let him do everything by himself, no presentation included, without having to actually face the guy — Idia finally gets back to his dorm. Finally.

He releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding — Just like in the fanfics, geez — when he steps into the lounge, though even the mostly vacant blue and white space felt a little oppressive now. Sure, he cared about his dormmates, they were fine people, but they were still people, and what he really needed now, was…

“IDIA!”

...within one second of the click of his door being unlocked, Idia is reminded once again that he never will know peace.

“K-Kero!” He yelps, suddenly overwhelmed by a hug, arms around his entire body squeezing him tight, maybe too tight— It’s a second before he remembers this is in fact supposed to be his room. “W-Wait, what are you doing here? That’s my room!”

Unleashed from the mighty grip, red eyes meet Idia’s as Kero’s head tilts, a smile on his face flashing his sharp teeth.

“I know that! I was looking for you.” He just announces, following right behind with that skip on his step as Idia enters and locks the door behind them. He hadn’t seen Kero in… how long, now? It’d been a while, that much he knew. Idia had been busy lately, with… “You finished that tournament yesterday night, right? How did you do? I got you that cake from the cafeteria you like to celebrate!” His questions are rapid-fire, tail wagging as he rushes towards Idia’s unmade bed to pick up the little packaged treat he’d gotten.

“You don’t even know how it went yet, but you’re already getting your hopes up.” Idia grumbles, but the second the package is placed on his hands, he does gracefully accept it. “Well, my team did win, so…”

“Yes! I knew you would!” Kero cheers, grinning again as he sits on his bed. He’s… so full of energy it’s hard to watch, Idia would say.

But, well, that would kind of be a huge lie.

“Yeah, thanks for leaving me be for a bit so I could practice.” He mutters, moving to sit on his desk chair. The package makes a crinkling plastic noise while he messes with it, opening it to reveal a slice of strawberry shortcake — That has him glancing at Kero for a second, a fuzzy feeling taking over.

...because that’s just what his emotions do now.

It was stupid, Idia’s sighing tiredly just thinking about it — When it started was beyond him, but for some reason or another, something keeps pulling him towards Kero. It’s not exactly a big deal, some sort of soul-binding string of fate or something like that, but even when he’s not there physically, Kero lingers, flashes of sharp teeth and boisterous laughing in Idia’s mind. It’s not a big deal! But it’s like Kero had hanged around him so much he left a mark.

And Idia doesn’t really hate that. He stares at the cake in his hands, and thinks of Kero smiling as he got it for him, without any sort of request, just because he saw the cake and remembered that he liked it, and his mind stresses just how much he doesn’t hate that.

(...well, it was a sort of doomed thing, they would never move on from this strange affectionate friendship, because Idia isn’t going to… tell Kero he’s crushing on him, or anything like that. That’d just screw everything up. And what he has now isn’t actually bad at all. Really, it’s fine if Kero never understands. It’s fine. )

“Are you… good, though? Do you need anything?” Kero asks, snapping him out of the messy daydreams with another good natured tilt of his head — He’s a dog alright. “You… just look kinda gloomy and stuff.”

Idia snickers, shaking his head. “Yeah, like I ever look different.” He mumbles, and takes a bite of cake. It’s sweet, he thinks, making a surprised noise as he wonders when the last time he had it was… he licks some whipped cream off his fingers. “Mm, this time is different though. Something with a group project from Mr. Trein… tires me out just to think about it.” He sighs. But Kero’s ears perk up, pointing straight upwards.

“Oh! That, yeah. He told 2-D about it today too.”

“Yeah. This sucks. I’m just gonna… find a way to work by myself.” Idia shakes his head, sinking on his chair a little further. He bites into the cake again. “You think Mr. Trein knows how to read emails?” He snickers, but the thought of having to meet him face-to-face makes his skin crawl. “...ugh, I d-don’t wanna have to talk to him during office hours…”

Kero hums in slightly concerned acknowledgement, plopping down on his bed with attentive eyes. Idia finds himself in a weird wondering of how it felt like to sit down when you were a beastman. Did it hurt his tail or something? It’s wagging against the mattress, though. His ears point to opposite sides while he looks up vaguely. Idia muses about what he might be thinking about.

“Well, you could always do it with me! They said to get one of your underclassmen, right.” Kero suggests, and… Idia swears he sees his tail wag a little harder, but that could very well just be a trick of the light. “I can do the presentation too, and I’m good with building things, so…” He grins. “Plus, you won’t have to… talk to Mr. Trein.”

Idia hums through a mouthful of cake. Well, doing the project with Kero would certainly be better than with someone he didn’t know. However, it’s…

His eyes linger on Kero’s expectant form on his bed, smiling so cheerfully. He’s very aware of the couple feet of distance between them right now, and even like this, Kero’s presence does things to his heart… that’s bad, so bad, he thinks, it’s hard to ignore how his heartbeat is just a tad faster now, summed with this different flavor of nervousness that just seemed to simmer in his blood now… yeah, it’s no good.

“I m-mean, I guess I wouldn’t mind that.” Is what he stutters out. Kero beams.

Stupid cute Kero. This isn’t helping Idia convince himself none of this is a big deal.

“Yeah! If you’re doin’ a project you might as well do it with your best friend, right?” He says. Here he is again with the best friend talk… oh, if only he knew. “We can have fun with it too. Actually, I can have fun with everything as long as I’m with you, heh.”

Idia feels heat creeping up his neck. Stupid cute Kero! “Ugh, you d-don’t gotta be embarrassing about it.” He mumbles, eyes averted. The cake finished with one last bite, Idia places the empty package on his desk, licking leftover cream off his fingers again. “We’re just putting some annoying mockup together. It’s not a big deal. If we add some simple machines to it to make it cooler it’ll already be higher-res than everyone else’s, it’s just an easy A. Everyone else’s just gonna use magic, I bet.”

“Yeah, obviously. I mean it doesn’t have to be annoying, though.” Kero comments. “We’ve gotta choose a historical event, right? Do you have any ideas?”

“Uhhh. The industrial revolution of the Isle of Lamentation? That’s… pretty much all I paid attention to this year, anyways.” He shrugs. Trein’s classes were boring, naturally. And they were so early in the morning, too… his tablet may have been there most of the time, but Idia himself was passed out on his bed.

“I think that works! We’ll have to make a bunch of stuff for the machines. But that’ll be fun.”

Idia hums. He’s thinking about these machines, actually, the miniature factories they could put together. The blueprints begin to write themselves up rather quickly. “We’d blow their little minds if we just had some… smoke coming out of the chimneys, some gears spinning around. Fuhihi, our mockup might be the best.” With his head in the clouds — Or the laboratory, rather — he finds himself grinning, waving a finger in the air. “Hey, Kero, what do you th… huh?”

And Kero isn’t on his bed anymore. He’s right there, in front of him.

Before Idia can say anything about this (Kero right in front of him, leaning in closer, he feels so cornered, his heart might stop!) Kero leans in even further, a big hand coming up to his face and (He’s going to die, definitely, he’ll die right here.) and he wipes off some whipped cream from near Idia’s lips.

“You had some on your face! Heheh.” He chuckles, licking it off his thumb. Idia feels like his blood pressure has just plummeted, or… or maybe it just did the opposite, how is he supposed to tell? His face feels so hot there’s no way his brain is getting the proper oxygen at all, he can barely think—!

“G-Give me a warning before you do something like this!” Idia wheezes, high pitched like a squeaky toy, and Kero just laughs again, grinning with this hint of mischief. “I didn’t even see you move!”

“Yeah, ‘cause you were distracted? I’m happy you’re excited about the project, though. I think it’s cute.” He says outright, and Idia… Idia just puts his hands on his face, averting his eyes with intent. Why does Kero have to be... so... much? “C’mon, you can sit with me on the bed. We can talk better like this.” A strong hand grabs at his wrist, easily looping around it as he pulls at Idia, making him squeak again as he’s dragged towards the bed.

“This doesn’t even make any sense!” Idia complains, but Kero tugs him towards the bed with no effort at all, and he just accepts his fate, huffing like it’d ease the warmth crawling all over his face. “Ugh, a-anyway, I was talking about the factories we’d put on the mockup… I thought of having some machines with exposed insides, with the spinning gears would be good, and conveyor belts that function…”

As he launches into explanation, Kero nods, making this unbreakable eye contact. Idia has to stop and take a deep breath every couple minutes, the situation somehow overwhelming. It feels like his condition just got a little worse every day, huh.

(Well, it’s fine. He could just avoid him if things got bad. Though… he doesn’t like thinking about this, recalling the week before the game tournament even. It’s kind of stupid, if he’s just making Idia nervous why does he have this need to keep him around? As expected, emotions make little to no sense...)

“...so, basically that’s what I thought.” Idia ends the explanation. Kero still has his attentive look on his face, almost like it froze there. “Did you pay attention?”

“Nah. I was just looking at you while you talked, ‘cause you looked so pretty.” Kero leans in with a smirk (Can he please stop trying to kill Idia, he’s just gotten down to a normal-ish heart rate again!) that then turns into one of his usual friendly smiles. “Kidding! I did, yeah. Do you wanna start it tomorrow?”

“You…! Uh, um, I don’t know. I wanna play my new game.” He stumbles with speaking, but it still comes out. At least. “We could probably finish that in, what, two days at most? If you don’t mind going to the lab late at night.”

“Roger that. For Idia, I’ll go to the ends of Twisted Wonderland!” He declares, fist thumping against his chest with a proud grin. “I’ll get us your snacks too. Can’t have you going hungry. But now I gotta go to track.”

Idia blinks. Already? He remembers that club meetings do in fact exist. He’d been skipping on his lately so he ended up kind of… forgetting them. Seeing Kero go, though, it’s…

“R-Right, I hope you, uh… enjoy yourself.” He stutters. Then he wants to hit himself on the face, really, what kind of stupid farewell was that? Just say bye and go back to your games, idiot. Luckily, Kero doesn’t seem to mind it.

“Yeah, yeah, I will!” He chimes, getting up from the bed — Leaning down a little, he puts a hand over Idia’s flaming hair, ruffling it to his surprise. “I’ll see you, okay? Literally. I’m coming over again later, ‘cause after all this time I’m not leaving my best friend alone!”

Idia feels frozen in place while Kero pets him, eyes zeroed in on that grin — Before he leaves, and he exhales. Again. That breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

He doesn’t play the game yet. Instead, he lays face down on the bed and screams into the pillow, whatever feelings had been simmering while Kero was around just exploding the second he leaves. Great Seven, he was so stupid. Both of them, actually.

Kero was stupid for not seeing how much this crush was clearly consuming him, and Idia… Idia was stupid for getting involved in any of this at all, in so many ways and for so many reasons, but he just can’t bring himself to stop now.

He swears it’s not that big of a deal. But it’s a lie, obviously. Clearly.

. . .

Once he’s back into his room after practice, Kero shuts his door behind him, and he laughs.

He feels the strain on his body from the running, sure, but every bit of it is somehow also filled with so much energy — With his hands on his face like how Idia does when he’s shy, he grins so much his cheeks hurt with the pulling. His heart won’t stop racing.

Who let him be so adorable!

He knew they’d end up doing this project together, of course. When Trein mentioned it’d involve students from different years, Idia was the first person Kero thought of! But the reality still makes him so giddy. To think he’d have a chance to do a project with him! He’s really been too lucky these days. Trein was… something else, to him, but with something like this, he might be willing to overlook the fact that the guy was absolutely terrifying.

Well, what matters is that he gets some more time with Idia — Even better, they’d be alone together! — The tournament week sucked, straight up. Kero ran some errands for him but it just wasn’t the same! Though he didn’t mind this sort of caretaking either, Idia barely took breaks. He didn’t even tell him much about the game he was playing, actually. Kero was basically crawling up the walls with how bored he’d gotten.

But that’s irrelevant now.

Still grinning and laughing to himself with all that burst of energy running through his skin, Kero hops over to his desk — With how he was, Idia would probably have some blueprints for the machines ready soon, but this was a nice chance to impress. He gathers some parts and tools, and gets to work.

...work that takes longer to complete than it usually does for him, but as expected, through the following days, Idia texts him vague guidelines on what their mockup should be like, ideas and half-baked blueprints that they discuss both through the phone and when he shows up at Idia’s place, and when the fated day of getting together at Ignihyde’s laboratory arrives, he has all those trinkets on his desk. He’s so ready.

ill see you there at 2, Idia’s text reads, bring the stuff i told u to make

Yes, yes, right away! Kero smiles bright as he gathers the miniature machines into a shoe box he’d gotten for them. He can feel his tail wag with excitement even as he carries it through the gloomy late-night corridors.

The door opened with a bang — Oops, he definitely handled it too roughly — Kero chimes as soon as he sets foot into the lab. “Idia!” He calls when he arrives. “I’m here!”

“Eek!” Idia, who was already leaned over the table, spreading scratchy blueprints and machine parts on it, is startled in a jolt. “D-Don’t sneak up on me like this! Geez…”

“Heheh, sorry, sorry.” Kero laughs, setting the box near the other items on the table, which Idia eagerly turns to inspect, complaints or not. Well, if that was the case, he’d inspect Idia for a bit too. He was looking unusual today, after all! Without that heavy jacket of his, wearing his lab wear and striped shirt. Kero’s heart leaps. “You’re looking good today, huh! ‘s unusual to see you looking like this, like… one of these R cards from your gacha games, or something.”

Kero feels proud of himself for the comment — Hey, Idia, look at me, I pay attention to your rambling! But Idia makes an offended noise instead.

“T...The R cards are the common ones, stupid.” He scoffs, giving him a narrow eyed look, but there’s still a soft flush of pink over his cheeks. “Ugh, I can’t believe I let you spend time with me when you don’t know that.”

Well. Kero tried, all he can do is laugh about it. At least he didn’t miss the compliment entirely! “Ehh, you do it ‘cause we’re best friends and you love me!” He says. “C’mon, we should get started on this already.”

“...y-yeah, yeah, whatever.” Idia shakes his head, but when he turns his face towards the table to look at their work in progress, there’s a slight smile on his blue lips that Kero couldn’t possibly miss. “Did you make the conveyor belts? I think I forgot to send you anything on these, couldn’t decide what material would be better for them…”

Moments like these are just so… so everything. Kero can’t find the words to describe how happy he is to be around Idia and be able to say things like that! Though, he feels it’s not exactly enough… even if all of this does feel nice, and he’s grateful for it.

(Well, he has a crush on Idia, that much he knows, so he guesses that’s something to be expected, in a way? He’s heard his classmates talking about the being unable to get enough related to someone so it was just part of it, probably. What they have now is good, straight out of his dreams even! Just… feelings are weird, aren’t they? He keeps wanting more, though he doesn’t know exactly what would sate this hunger.)

“Oh, I did rubber on the top and some of that light metal for the parts. I thought it’d be better if we don’t make it too heavy!” Kero replies, digging around for his own lab gear he’d brought. They might have to do some welding today, so it was always good to be careful.

(Plus, they got to match outftits!)

Idia nods, focused gaze on a miniature engine. “Ohh… huh. That’s good, actually. I think this might be easier than I thought.” He mutters. “We have all the parts to build the interior of the factory… I guess we could put that together tonight, and tomorrow we can get the rest? For the outside, I guess. If we just focus on the factory instead of the, uh, social repercussions or something like that, Trein might deduct points.”

He feels his ears deflate just a little at the teacher’s mention. “Tell me about it.” Idia passes him the engine, a silent command for him to get to work linking it with the other right parts. “Do you want me to get the stuff for the scenery from the store?”

“Yeah, sure. Would be helpful.”

Kero smiles at him, and for a single silent moment they’re putting the machine parts together. Engines and gears and a seemingly endless stretch of conveyor belts, wires and such hidden on the inferior part of the styrofoam slab the mockup was being built on.

“...hey, is that the battery?”

“Yup! Just gotta charge with magic whenever you wanna see it working.”

Idia turns it around on his hands, looking at it from every angle, making a humming noise to himself…

Huh, Kero is suddenly very aware that they’re all alone in that laboratory.

Maybe it’s because of how Idia looks at the small object, or how he touches it with this utmost care one wouldn’t think he has. It’s weirdly easy for other people to assume Idia was lazy, Kero recalls, and it was something he never really understood. He was such a diligent person, actually, but people couldn’t see it right because he didn’t put effort into things people commonly worked hard in. That makes him feel sort of bitter inside, he thinks, but also proud in a way.

He’s the only one who knows Idia this closely, it comes into Kero’s mind, and a smile sprawls across his face.

“...w-what? Why are you looking at me like that?” Of course, Idia notices. The pinkish glow on his face before turns into something more like strawberry red, and… agh, what the hell, Kero’s smile gets bigger.

“It’s ‘cause you’re so cute, of course!” He says without missing a beat. How many times has he called Idia cute now? Far too many to count. But he can’t stop, and it never feels like enough to show just how god damn adorable Idia was to him. It was such a crazy feeling, really.

“Gh… and you’re e-embarrassing, as always.” Idia responds as he averts his eyes. “We’ve gotta finish this as soon as possible, y’know, now’s not the time for...t-this.”

“What do you mean with this?” Kero asks amidst a laugh. Idia looks at him with this cranky sort of expression and his heart feels like it’s about to take off and fly, wow. “You asked me a question and I answered it!”

“Yeah, you answered it while being a jerk.” Idia mumbles, getting back to unscrewing something. Kero doesn’t get what he mean with it exactly but, well, he always says stuff like this.

“I mean it, though! I think you’re really cute.” He says, it’s so easy to say things like that, they end up just coming out on their own, even when he’s trying to put his brain cells back into work like Idia wants him to. “I tell you that all the time! D’you not think you’re cute?”

Idia glances at him with wide eyes. “I...n-no? What in the Lord of the Underworld makes you think I’m c-cute?” He asks, voice almost an octave higher.

Something about this strucks Kero differently. Is that a rhetorical question? It doesn’t matter. He wants to answer.

“Well, do you want me to tell you?” He suggests, and his heart is racing. It takes just a little bit of effort to ask something like this, it’s not quite having to hype himself up for it, but… well. What’s with this mood anyways? Idia’s hands are on his flushed cheeks, gloved fingers ready to cover up his eyes, like he usually does when he’s flustered — And here’s something to add to the list already, wow.

“I-I, um.”

“If you don’t say no I’m gonna tell you.” He looks straight into Idia’s eyes… such a nice shade of yellow, an amber-gold. Kero doesn’t always mean to tease, but now he does. He has a strong impulse to do it, a determination like he’s rushing towards the finish line in track — What sort of face would Idia show him if he told him everything? “Three, two, one…you lost your chance to say no! I’m gonna tell you.”

Idia squeaks like he got jumpscared, but he doesn’t object to any of it. Kero’s excited — He takes a step closer, and takes it upon himself to touch Idia’s hair again, because he absolutely couldn’t get enough of how it didn’t burn him.

“First of all, I know you hate it since it sticks out so much, but your hair is really cute.” He says, tucking a lock of hair behind Idia’s ear, feeling him shrink and tense under the light touch — Would he do that if Kero touched him more? If he wrapped his arms around Idia’s waist and held him close? “It’s so bright and pretty, and the bangs look so nice on you, they’re kinda messy and long but in a way that’s adorable.”

Indulging himself a little further, he lets his hand ghost over Idia’s bangs, brushing them to the side and watching them fall back into place. Idia’s face is fully red now. The hair doesn’t feel like much to the touch since it’s fire, actually, but, something about it…

“Second! You have a cute smile!” Kero chimes. He’s supposed to retract his hand now, but — It just stays on Idia’s cheek. And he finds that he really doesn’t want to take it off there. “When you talk about the things you like, and you get all excited about them and start grinning… it’s really cute, actually. I like it when I see you all full of energy.”

Idia’s eyes dart around. Are his hands shaking? Kero eyes at them briefly, before taking one into his — Unable to stop himself again — and the latex of his glove meets Idia’s, watched by wide amber eyes as he laces their fingers together. Shaking, indeed, but he was able to steady them.

“Third… related to that, how your hands move when you’re rambling. I stare at them a lot. That’s how much I love to see you all excited about stuff.”

His voice had fallen softer. The coldness of the laboratory seems to just fade. Kero’s heart feels…

“Fourth...” He starts, but no words come to him. He just stares at Idia’s face, his eyes, the blue tint of his lips. There’s more to say, obviously, but he can’t think of it, and he— “...can I kiss you?”

Somehow there’s no recoil time, no surprised noise on Idia’s part, and though he loves his shyness and how it shows through, he finds that he loves it even more when he’s expecting something like this, when he wants it. The shaky, uncertain nod is all he needs to give a name to that hunger he’d been feeling.

Ah, he was in love, everything be damned.

Kero doesn’t hesitate. One hand on his cheek and the other holding his, his lips meet Idia’s, his heart now soaring completely. If he looked back on it now he’d probably find it sort of awkward, Idia’s lips are chapped and the sharp teeth felt strange against each other, but none of this matters when he feels so euphoric, when Idia just melts into his kiss, eyes fluttering shut.

He doesn’t know how long it lasts. The brief pauses to breathe aren’t enough to actually do so, but neither of them seem to mind. The held hands unlace, Idia’s coming up to Kero’s neck to urge him closer, Kero’s on Idia’s waist like he’s dreamed.

When they pull away, both breathless, Kero is grinning, and Idia looks dazed, his eyes glossy, at least for a moment before he seems to realize what they’ve just done.

“O-Oh my...we.” He squeaks, freezing in Kero’s embrace. “W-We, we just…”

“Hey, it’s cool!” Kero assures, and he pulls him a bit closer, now causing a small shriek. “I love you, you know.”

“Y-You…” Idia stutters. How long would it be until he was able to string sentences together again? Kero doesn’t have an exact estimate, but, well, this was fine too. Especially as his tension drops, and he hides his warm face on Kero’s shoulder. “...you’re the worst? You’re so embarrassing I could die.”

“That’s a quick recovery, huh.”

“S-Shut up!” Idia whines, but he stays. He stays, and Kero holds him so close that his happiness feels like it’s overflowing, and the cravings from before are just slowly satisfied. “I… I, um.”

“Tell me.” A hand on the side of Idia’s face, he pulls his face upwards, making him look into his eyes again — Would he ever get enough of this, though? They’re so close. “Do you love me too, Idia?”

Idia hesitates, an embarrassed noise leaving him.

“I… I do.” He mutters — And he smiles. “You idiot.”

Kero smiles, his feelings actually overflowing in how he hugs Idia even tighter, and he laughs.

The project could be finished tomorrow, anyways.