#i know it's a tasteless mess but i absolutely love it

[verdemoun]

I think about your timewarp Dutch au every day since you posted it can I pretty please get more detail on Hosea seeing Dutch again for the first time *holding my hands out like a Victorian boy begging for food*

hosea tries to ignore it for so long. dutch is back and that doesn't need to affect him. he can carry on with his life knowing dutch is tucked away somewhere they did ensure was nice and he'll be fine. dutch being back doesn't mean they didn't go seperate ways years ago, and should have years before that again. hell, he spends most of his days thinking about how little he needs to be thinking about dutch

bessie only asking how dutch is going because she knows her husband is listening. she knows him too well, she's always known he loves dutch and almost has to inexplicitly tell him it's okay. she fell in love with him knowing he was always going to love dutch too (frankly all they'd needed was a label on what was happening between them and she would've been undeniably a homewrecker)

annabelle having to pause, and think about it. how do you explain he's dutch? he's just… dutch - again. he speaks with the same obnoxious conviction of someone who always thinks he's right. he's almost calm, constant calm, that self-assuredness that things will turn out his way is back. not quick to anger like the stories she'd heard after blackwater. she's fully aware of all the awful things he's done but he seems so much more like the dutch she knew than that monster. no one's explained the timewarp to him, he just knows annabelle is there in whatever strange new world he's in but he still talks about the gang, the old days of the gang, fondly.

hosea knew he was going to have to see him eventually. probably wouldn't have been able to physically stop himself from seeing him, eventually.

it isn't a hotel he can't just walk in. he's having to listen to staff echo things he knew. things he'd doubted he knew. dutch is smart, so many of his criticisms of society are valid just too grand for a single action to challenge. there are absolutely moments where he's only pretending to care about something better than a shakespearean actor but he also has so much genuine empathy for the people he does cares about. dutch is forming meaningful relationships with people and hosea still being in denial. there's no way not after how much he changed not after everything he's done.

but there's dutch. hair growing out again, not the hacked short mess of his 1911 mugshot, long streaks of silver slicked back all the same in what now seems like a horrendously outdated style. when he sees hosea, looks at him, that sparkle is still in his eyes but it's tired. he's tired, it's all over dutch's face how tiresome the last 12 years have been. but dutch knows it's him, instantaneously, grin spreading over his face with the same confident strides of his younger years gone.

pulls him into a hug so tight still with typical bloke slaps on the back as he laughs in sheer joy

you haven't changed a bit, old girl

how dreadful of you to suggest i've always looked like this

nonsense. though i suspect my days of looking good are long over, too

hug doesn't release. hosea hears the single, shaky breath in his ear and knows all those arguments he's imagined screaming at dutch for what happened back in canon aren't going to happen. at least not today, not when he's finally just getting to hug dutch again and hear the almost broken tone in his voice as he says 'i missed you, hosea.'

it's almost frustrating how quickly they can fall back into that comfort with one another, old men older than they ever got to be bickering like a married couple. offering to go for a drive just to get out for a bit and dutch making some tasteless joke about it not ending so well last time he was in a car. least not for the driver. hosea trying so hard not to laugh because you really shouldn't joke about murdering people for christ's sake but dutch knows damn well he was going to.

catching dutch up on how the gang are doing because dutch always did care about them, he just lost himself somewhere and hearing dutch acknowledge that he went too far. hosea knowing that so much of the gang are still holding onto and processing that grief, and might not ever be ready or willing to see him. dutch accepting that too, acknowledging aloud how grateful he is hosea even gave him a chance.

still getting annoyed at him in that almost endearing way. he has always gotten annoyed with dutch sometimes. the correct response to young jack marston grew up to kill edgar ross was not 'good for him!'

[ichayalovesyou]

This is my carefully curated playlist based on Tumblr's favorite Mafia movie, Goncharov! It is arranged into story order but you can enjoy it on shuffle as well! Normally I color code which songs are about who, but this time around I wanted to leave it up to interpretation, although I think you might be able to tell who my favorite character is lol!

Winter In Naples

“You Need The Fear of God Put Back Into You Goncharov”

Taikatalvi by Nightwish from Imaginaerum • Ruler of Everything by Tally Hall from Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum • Birds With Broken Wings by Ben Caplan from Birds With Broken Wings • Istanbul by They Might Be Giants from Flood • The Cat Came Back by The Laurie Berkner Band from Laurie Berkner’s Favorite Kid Songs • Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz from Gorillaz • Champagne Taste by Eartha Kitt from Totally Crazy • Amar y Vivir by Carlos Rivera from Mexicano • Crazy = Genius by Panic! At The Disco from Death of a Bachelor • Farewell Wanderlust by The Amazing Devil from The Horror and the Wild • Time is Running Out by Muse from Absolution • Aha! by Imogen Heap from Ellipse • Modern Day Cain by I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME from Modern Day Cain

The Ball

“Your Husband Is As Tasteless As His Counterfeit ‘Boots’, Dear Sister”

Vampire by People In Planes from Beyond the Horizon • Don’t Mess With Me by temposhark from The Invisible Line • There’s A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven’t Thought of It Yet by Panic! At The Disco from A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out • Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps by Daniel Boaventura & Carlos Rivera from Your Song • Careless Whisper by George Michael from Ladies & Gentlemen The Best of George Michael • Real Men by Mitski from Lush • As The World Falls Down by David Bowie from Labyrinth • I’m A Funny Dame by Eartha Kitt from The Essential Eartha Kitt • Sin un Amor by Carlos Rivera from Mexicano • Bad Romance by Lady Gaga from The Fame Monster • Señor Amante by Kika Edgar from Señor Amante • Take Me To Church by Hozier from Hozier • Disarm by The Civil Wars from The Civil Wars • Femme Fatale by Coyote Kid from The Skeleton Man • Monkeys Uptown by Iron & Wine from Kiss Each Other Clean

Two Cigarettes, One Flame

“A Perfect Pearl Need Only Circumstance, No?”

Pretty Little Head by Eliza Rickman from O, You Sinners • Runs In The Family by Amanda Palmer from Who Killed Amanda Palmer? • 551 by Dessa from Castor the Twin • Wife by Mitski from Lush • The Bed Song by Amanda Palmer from Piano Is Evil • The Moon Will Sing by The Crane Wives from Coyote Stories • Evening On the Ground (Lilith’s Song) by Iron & Wine from Woman King • Better Love by Hozier from Better Love • Arms of A Thief by Iron & Wine from Around the Well • Where Evil Grows by The Poppy Family, Terry & Susan Jacks from A Good Thing Lost: 1968-1973 • Eric by Mitski from Lush • Angie by Bert Jansch from Bert Jansch • I Want To Be Evil by Eartha Kitt from That Bad Eartha • Don’t Get My Hopes Up by S.J. Tucker from Mischief • You Made Me the Thief of Your Heart by Sinéad O’Connor from So Far: The Best of Sinéad O’Conner • Dulce Mal by The Chamanas from Dulce Mal • Don’t You Dare Forget the Sun by Get Scared from Built For Blame, Laced With Shame

The Clock

“How Can Time Be Still, And Still Running Out?”

Blindness by Metric from Fantasies • Come Away To The Water by Maroon 5 & Rozzi from The Hunger Games: Songs of District 12 And Beyond • Era Escuro by Faun from Luna • Fly Me to The Moon by Melodicka Bros. from Fly Me to the Moon (Space Rock) • Glass Heart Hymn by Paper Route from The Peace of Wild Things • Where Butterflies Never Die by Broken Iris from The Eyes of Tomorrow • I Hope Your World Is Kind by Auri from Auri • Ballad of Jeremiah Peacekeeper by Poets of the Fall from Temple Of Thought • Broken Crown by Mumford & Sons from Babel • Dirt And Roses by Rise Against from Avengers Assemble • Marked Man by Mieka Pauley from The Science of Making Choices • If I Had A Heart by Fever Ray from Fever Ray • I Think I Smell A Rat by The White Stripes from White Blood Cells • Paranoid Android by Radiohead from OK Computer • Cool by Ansel Elgort & Mike Faist from West Side Story • That’s My Boy by Vast from Turquoise & Crimson

Ambrosia, The Blood of The Gods

“I’m Gonna Kill That Mario!”

Familia by Nicki Minaj, Angel AA & Bantu from Spider-Man: Into The Spiderverse • Onward & Upward by Tommee Profitt & Fleurie from Gloria Regali • The Horror and The Wild by The Amazing Devil from The Horror and the Wild • Breaking the Law by Judas Priest from British Steel • I’m Always Walking as Somebody Else from American Murder Song from Murder Ballads of 1816: The Year Without A Summer • The House Of The Dead by NADA5150 & Mr.Kitty from The House Of The Dead • Adore Me by StarKid Productions from Black Friday • Kill My Friends by gP. from Kill My Friends • 7 Rings by ChuggaBoom from 7 Rings • Heavy Rain by Youth Man from New Moons Vol.1 • Loki by The Mechanisms from The Bifrost Incident • Warflower by The Mayan Factor from In Lake Ch’ • Dead Butterflies by Architects from Meteor • Man or a Monster by Sam Tinnesz & Zayde Wolf from Man or a Monster • The Weeping Song by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds from The Good Son

The Bridge

“If We Really Were In Love You Wouldn’t Have Missed”

What Love Can Heartbreak Allow by Ben Caplan from Old Stock • The Wolf by PHILDEL from The Disappearance of the Girl • Animal Impulses by IAMX from The Unified Field • Don’t Make Me by MALINDA from Don’t Make Me • Shout by Tears for Fears from Songs From The Big Chair • Don’t Call Me Angel by Ariana Grander, Miley Cyrus & Lana Del Rey from Charlie’s Angels • Heaven Knows by The Pretty Reckless from Going to Hell • Castle by Halsey from BADLANDS • Mineshaft 2 by Dessa from Castor, the Twin • Die Anywhere Else by Julia Henderson & Lorenzo de Sequera from Dusk • A Death by an Unkindness from 4 Songs • Despedida by Antonio Pinto & Shakira from Love In The Time of Cholera • Daughter of the Sea by Sharm & Alison M. Sparrow from Daughter of The Sea • Jane Doe by Hail The Sun from Wake • Bag of Bones by Mitski from Lush • Girl Into Devil (I Belong to Me) by S.J. Tucker from Stolen Season

The Train

“We Could Burn It All Down”

Panacea For The Poison by Flobots from Survivor Story • Here Come the Ravens by Aviators from Dystopian Fiction • All Night Long by Peter Murphy from Love Hysteria • A Sadness Runs Through Him by The Hoosiers from The Trick To Life • The Deep by PHILDEL from Wave Your Flags • Irish Hour by Saint Sister from Where I Should End • There Is Still Time by Lorn from The Maze to Nowhere • Happy by Mitski from Puberty 2 • Burned Out by dodie from Human • Where To Begin by Adam Watts from When a Heart Wakes Up • Hungry Like the Wolf by Hidden Citizens & Tim Halperin from Reawakenings • Dark Matter by Les Friction from Dark Matter • I Found by Amber Run from 5AM • The Hearse (Stripped) by Matt Maeson from Bank On The Funeral • The Wolf in Your Darkest Room by Matthew Mayfield from Recoil • The Devil Wears A Suit by Kate Miller-Heidke from Nightflight • Sinking Ship by CAKE from Sinking Ship • Lessons by SOHN from Tremors • Black Sun by Death Cab for Cutie from Black Sun • Die Today by The Txlips Band & Guitar Gabby from Queens of A New Age • Blood Moon by Saint Sister from Madrid • Cinder and Smoke by Iron & Wine from Our Endless Numbered Days • Girl With One Eye by Florence + The Machine from Lungs

The Apple

“Tell Them I’m Sorry, For I Have No Sorrow Left to Give”

The Wanting Comes In Waves/Repaid by The Decemberists from Hazards of Love • Conversations at the End of the World by Kishi Bashi from String Quartet Live • My Way by Chase Holfelder from Major to Minor Vol.2 • We Are Your Nightmares by Cast of Nevermore from Nevermore: The Imaginary Life & Mysterious Death of Edgar Allan Poe • Oh Death by Noah Gunderson from Saints & Liars • The Coldest Goodbye by Mary Kate Wiles from Spies Are Forever • Cathedrals by Jump. Little Children from Magazine • Carry Me Out by Mitski from Bury Me At Makeout Creek • Ghosts With Heartbeats by Plastic Patina from Ghosts With Heartbeats • Blood by My Chemical Romance from The Black Parade

“The film is gone, the only proof thereof Upon a boot, a tag mark’d Goncharov...”

Quotes from the movie Goncharov (1973) provided through art by: @theshitpostcalligrapher @when-sanpape-arts @inthefallofasparrow @not-the-blue @cloudmancy

[wack-ashimself]

'Weird: The Al Yankovic Story' may be one of the best parody movies ever. So much so, Weird Al may be known more for this movie than his music career.

I am trying to make this as spoiler free as possible, because it goes EVERYWHERE, but...god damn. I was laughing at...the weirdest times. He made a movie about himself that...never happened. But here's my favs. SPOILERS still tho.

1-The news interrupting a presidential speech for weird al having a TMZ type incident. They would probably not even do that for the queen, may god have absolutely no mercy on her soul. But for WEIRD AL? THAT'S hilarious.

2-The movie being narrated by one guy, weird al played by 3 different actors thru his life, weird al voice dubbed every singing scene, then weird al played a record producer in the movie AND showed himself in the old videos of his songs? It's like meta to the 7th power.

3-It went off the deep end in the 3rd act, but as I said on a previous post, if they were gonna do a parody of the innocent guy who made parodies...you go all out. Just...him killing Pablo Escobar? NOT on my checklist of things I expected to see. Both WTF and 'haha. okay. Whatever. Roll with it.'

4-The running joke of them never knowing what they made at his dad's factory (YOU NEVER FIND OUT). It seems like a joke, but to me it goes deeper on the whole (cuz his dad saw someone die, and personally lost a hand at the job) how we will do mindless, pointless, dangerous jobs, have little to nothing to show for it, and never question if what we are doing has any true value or meaningful impact on the world.

5-Weird Al originally coming up with eat it (and later on Amish paradise), michael jackson parodies weird al's song, and then the world sees al as...bigger than any star in all of human history (they do a scene where every song on the radio is him. That would freak me out). I think that's why we love this movie's shoot for the moon: we all know weird al in real life is a funny, smart, sweet, humble guy who...probably isn't even that rich, honestly. So...make him a stupid rich egotistical mega star, and see how that would play out? I mean, the shit in his mansion alone stroking his ego was so cheesily done, you almost would hate any celeb that could get close to it in real life. It's...tasteless. No one has a bust of their own head that...isn't from Rome.

I found this movie perfect because it was NOT perfect. There was many cheap laughs, mean attitudes for nothing but someone to provoke the others, and so many 'there is no fucking way that got close to happening' bull shit scenes, it was a mess story line wise. It was...weird al's fever dream of what his life could have been. BUT knowing weird al wrote it, helped craft it, and NONE of it as it is portrayed <at all> basically happened made it a wild ride of just...fun. You have to like weird al, know his past, and his sense of humor, but if you got all those 3, you'll love this movie. It's clearly his baby.

Weird: The Al Yankovic Story: One of the few times IMDB gave it a fair score. 7.2. I would say 7.4.

ps-fav part? The ending. I mean, it wasn't the funniest nor had the best lines (there were some fucking amazing one liners in this movie) but....I stayed in the credits, writing this whole thing, JUST in case they did a mid/post credits scene. They did. It was art. MEGA SPOILERS.

Madonna is now a world renown scarred drug lord, visiting weird al's grave (she had him killed: told you it goes fucking bonkers) and, like the famous ending of the original carrie, his hand comes out from the grave and grabs her. I am sorry, but there's SO much to unpack there, it...ya gotta watch it to understand HOW THE FUCK this movie got to where it did. They basically just said 'we're gonna...do whatever we want, whenever we want, and figure out later how to tie it together later.' And somebody wrote a check. lol I've seen a lot of bad movies; this ain't one of them. It's...different....and to be on the nose: weird.

[gncrevan]

#31DaysofHorror Day 31: The Sadness (2021, dir. Rob Jabbaz)

i really shouldn't listen to tiktok for movie recs. the sadness has such a huge tonal problem. it doesn't know if it wants to be a tongue-in-cheek gorefest full of over the top violence and discordant jokes, or tackle genuinely heavy issues like pandemic eugenics or misogynist and sexual violence. the result is an absolute mess of a movie that feels far more exploitative than contemplative.

pros: there's an interesting dreamlike quality particularly to scenes from jim's perspective, which serves as a bit of a foreshadow for his eventual fate, as well as establishing his very aimless and derealized state of being in contrast to kati's much more grounded existence. the use of colour is really gorgeous; it's great how vibrant everything looks despite the subject matter. i love the dark, swollen eyes on the infected, even if the big smile is very mid-2000s creepypasta. the gore is fantastic, using obviously practical effects that give the whole thing a more tangible feeling. it's insanely bloody and sometimes really gross looking, all of which is fun as hell, if often quite silly and over the top.

cons: the story doesn't vibe with this approach at all. the immense focus on sexual violence feels gratuitous and tasteless due to the more jokey nature of the narrative style. jim and kati's relationship is presented haphazardly, taking a backseat to drawn out scenes of violence for so long that the emotional gut punch at the completely falls flat. the doctor who raises questions of both public responsibility and medical ethics in a crisis appears far too late in the game and devolves into too much of a cartoon character to be taken seriously as either a narrative foil or a threat. personally i found the violent scenes too frequent and drawn out, ruining a perfectly good suspense curve, so that by the hour mark i was just feeling overstimulated and exhausted.

there's clearly a lot of love for the genre here and i enjoyed parts of it a lot, but it's just not balanced at all and the way sexual violence and misogyny are used betrays a very surface level understanding of the issues that frankly we could have just been spared.

[missfingers]

hiii for da f/o asks... luxe, bauble, and vociferous. answer as detailed as possible i am your professor now doubled spaces 500 word minimum cite your sources bitch.

HI LEOOOOOO i love you im kissing you im twirling you around im

i know you care about nishitani and majima so ill answer for them Obvi

Luxe: What is your f/o's idea of luxury? If they had enough money, what would they spend it on?

we all know what nishitani lives like. his idea of luxury is sex violence murder violence gambling greed lechery. wheres that one post where its like he wakes up at 3pm with two people in his bed has breakfast of cigarettes and crisps solves a gang dispute harrasses majima then parties until he passes out with fishnets on. god i love him. his apartment is horrible btw i imagine its like. so gaudy. not in like Flashy kind of gaudy like sequins or something but like his walls are painted deep crimson and he has floor to ceiling windows and his couch is patterned velvet and he has a western kingsize with silk sheets and a bathtub big enough to fit three people and speaking of which his bathroom furniture has gold accents etc etc etc. its absolutely SEEPING of sleazy tasteless wealth. and of course he'd spend so much money on Me <3

majima meanwhile is also gaudy as fuck but very much in the Flashy way. clashing everything. horrible. walk in closet of different outfits. would literally buy a pool and fill it full of coins like scrooge mcduck and would ignore nishida telling him he will break something if he jumps in. does it. knocks out all of his teeth and gets dentures.

Bauble: Does your f/o like to collect anything? If not, do they own something that brings them immense joy and satisfaction- if so, tell us about it!

what do you think my answer is for nishitani. please just look at him and guess. the guy is a walking fetish store advertisement. dont look in his closet it will traumatise you.

majima meanwhile i think collects weapons - like Historical antique ones. probably has them displayed around his apartment. knows the history of each one too. hes a little autistic

Vociferous: What are some things your f/o is passionate about? Why are they passionate about these things? Do you share their passions? How likely are they to get into a debate over their passions?

immediate thing that comes into my head is that time majima like berated a guy for littering. i love how thats consistent in ALL of his media like several of the games mention him being an environmentalist and the movie before it was even an Established Trait of his showed him telling off his boys for making a mess of the street. its so funny

nishitanis is probably just... his entire life hard and die ideology. hes a hedonist adn its fun for him so why would he Stop? he doesnt see the point in doing things that arent going to benefit him. hes running his body into the ground and does NOT care. thats probably a huge point of contention between him and david - that like, hes already older than her and Already living a dangerous life being a patriarch but on top of that all he doesnt care to take care of himself? she probably gets really upset at the idea of losing him early and theres not really any resolution to it because hes not going to stop.

[naamahdarling]

Blind kitten foster here! I didn't realize I sent that one on anon! I would love to have her name put on your altar. We've named her Toph. Though her full name is Toph aka Blind Bandit. She's currently snuggling her new mother, which is a sock full of rice that's been microwaved, and gurgling away.

Yay for happy babies on warmies!  I will go poke her (perfect!) name into the shrine at once and give it a good dusting!

ETA:

Done! May she have the swiftest possible recovery and the best possible outcome! Update me, whatever happens.

Art is by @misterlucian!

[jmbringitonworld]

The Great Uncle Papyrus

Papyrus had never been as determined to do a job well as he was now, left alone to babysit his tiny niece while her parents went out on a date for the first time since Elys had been born. He absolutely would not fail this most important of duties! Especially not when his brother and his sister-in-law were counting on him! He would show them how capable a babysitter he was and they would be so impressed with him that they would shower him in praise (and hopefully trust him to help them out more often). And he always loved spending time with his dear niece, she meant so much to him and he dearly hoped that she would grow to love him just as much as he did her.

At almost nine months old, Elys was still very tiny, but she was also very active and Papyrus was relieved that she didn't take too much after his lazybones of a brother. THOUGH MAYBE IT WOULDN'T BE TOO TERRIBLE FOR HER TO BE A JUST A LITTLE BIT LAZIER, Papyrus thought as he pulled the young monster-human hybrid out from underneath the sofa where she had just crawled, the infant letting out an excited squeal, and carried her into the kitchen to place her, safely, into her high chair. He then proceeded to try to entice her to eat the unappetising mush her parents had assured him was proper food for babybones. He was a little sceptical, but trusted Frisk, at least, to not joke about this and to be sufficiently knowledgeable about good food. Her standards for food were certainly higher than his brother's. And it seemed Elys's standards were even higher, as she scrunched up her face in disgust and resolutely turned away from the presented spoonful of "chicken and veg with sweetcorn mash" (though it definitely didn't look like any such thing to him). Papyrus looked on the brink of tears at her refusal and loudly pleaded with her.

"NYOO! PLEASE EAT, TINY ELYS! IT IS THE TIME SANS AND FRISK SAID YOU WOULD NEED TO BE FED AND IF YOU DON'T EAT THEN YOU WILL BE HUNGRY AND I CANNOT LET MY TINY NIECE GO HUNGRY! I WOULD BE A TERRIBLE UNCLE! AND YOU WOULD HATE ME AND MY BROTHER AND DEAR FRIEND WOULD BE SO DISAPPOINTED IN ME AND-"

Elys immediately stopped scowling and started laughing delightedly at her uncle's antics. Sensing this perfect opportunity, Papyrus swiftly shoved the spoon into the baby's mouth. He "Nyeh heh heh"d in victory. The rest of the meal proceeded much the same way.

After quickly cleaning up all the mess made, both in the kitchen and on the baby, Papyrus carried his niece back into the living room and gently placed her in her playpen, before sitting down beside her. Skeleton and infant soon lost themselves in their games, playing with all of Elys's toys, Papyrus happily chatting with his niece about the puzzle potential of each of the toys and Elys, in turn, encouraging him with various squeals and excited noises. Suddenly, a loud trousle of bones rang out and Papyrus quickly answered his phone.

"Hi Pap," Frisk's voice greeted from his phone. "I'm just calling to check up on you guys. How's everything been going? I hope Elys hasn't been giving you too much trouble, I know how much of a handful she can be."

"GREETINGS FRISK! YOU NEED NOT FRET OVER US. I, THE GREAT UNCLE PAPYRUS, AM MORE THAN CAPABLE OF LOOKING AFTER A SINGLE BABYBONES, SO PLEASE RELAX AND ENJOY YOUR EVENING WITH SANS," Papyrus reassured her, his voice full of confidence as he struck a cool pose that, had she been able to see it, would most definitely have left the human in no doubt as to his competence as a reliable temporary caretaker for her child. "I HOPE MY BROTHER IS TREATING YOU WELL."

"He's treating me just fine, Paps, thanks," Frisk giggled happily. Then Sans's voice cut in.

"that's 'cause being with you is such a treat, babe, you dessert only the best. and donut worry, the real treat is coming up later tonight, it's scone to be a real sweet night."

"SANS!!" Papyrus interjected angrily, while Frisk could be heard laughing in the background. "HOW DARE YOU MAKE SUCH TERRIBLE AND TASTELESS PUNS ON A DATE! CLEARLY I MUST LEND YOU MY DATING MANUAL AGAIN, SO THAT YOU CAN LEARN PROPER DATING MANNERS!"

"heh, sorry bro, i'm just not as cool as you. and thanks for lookin' after the kid for us, we really appreciate it"

"NO PROBLEM AT ALL BROTHER! I AM ALWAYS HAPPY TO HELP YOU, YOU KNOW THAT. YOU CAN RELY ON ME WHENEVER YOU WANT"

"i know paps. you really are the coolest."

"WELL OF COURSE I AM. ANYWAY, YOU TWO SHOULD GO BACK TO YOUR DATE. REST ASSURED I HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL WITH TINY ELYS, SO DO NOT WORRY AND COME BACK WHEN YOU CAN. WE TIRA-MISS-U BOTH," Papyrus said, very proud of his incredibly clever and obviously superior pun, while in the background, Frisk could be heard once more dissolving into laughter. With a loud "NYEH HEH HEH!", he hung up the phone, then turned back to his young charge. Only to find the place empty, with no baby in sight.

"NYEH?! ELYS, WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?!" he called out anxiously, franticly swivelling his skull all around as he tried to locate his missing niece. When his searched turned up empty, he dashed madly from room to room, desperately calling her name and looking into every nook and cranny that could possibly hide a baby (and even many that could not).

What... What would he do if he couldn't find her? How could he ever forgive himself if anything happened to her on his watch? How could he possibly face his brother? His sister-in-law? Maybe... maybe he should call Undyne? Or Sans and Frisk? But wait, if he did that, then the couple would have to cut their long awaited date short, and the two had been so looking forward to some quality time together! And, with the daily struggles of being new parents, on top of their jobs, they deserved a break. Sans, who used to be such a lazybones, constantly napping and slacking off, had really stepped up and risen to his responsibilities as a husband and father, losing sleep every night to comfort and care for his daughter; he looked more exhausted than Papyrus had ever seen him, even though he looked happier and more motivated than ever. And Frisk, who had done so much for him, his brother, his friends, heck, all of monsterkind, who, even during her maternity leave, kept in touch with the monster embassy and gave a helping hand there whenever they needed her, she deserved a night all to herself and her husband, free from stress and worries.

He wasn't going to ruin their special night. He wasn't going to let his family down. He was, after all, The Great Papyrus! He could handle this challenge all by himself and prove to everyone that he was dependable, reliable, trustworthy. And he'd start by finding his precious and irreplaceable niece. Resolve renewed, he continued his search with unmatched vigour and dedication, eyelights blazing with magic and red cape billowing heroically behind him.

As he passed by Sans and Frisk's bedroom, he couldn't help but notice a sock on the floor. He reflexively came to a halt and narrowed his sockets at the offending article. IS SANS STILL LEAVING HIS SOCKS ON THE FLOOR? EVEN NOW? UNBELIEVABLE! Papyrus internally grumbled to himself in disgust. Part of him urged him to ignore the sock and carry on his search, but years of dealing with his brother's slovenly habits compelled him to march toward the item and pick it up. Then he noticed even more socks on the floor! HAS MY BROTHER GOTTEN EVEN WORSE?! HOW DOES FRISK PUT UP WITH HIM? He entered fully into the bedroom and looked around. The bottom drawer of the chest of drawers was opened slightly, with socks spilling out all over the floor. He meticulously collected each and every wayward sock, checked that they were indeed all clean, then folded them up. As he bent down to return the clothes to what must be the couple's sock collection, he noticed a large lump inside the drawer. Curious, he poked the lump and it moved, socks shifting aside to reveal the sleepy, confused face of the very person Papyrus had been so desperately trying to find!

"ELYS! I HAVE FOUND YOU AT LAST! I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE THAT YOU ARE SAFE, I WAS WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU! PLEASE NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN! MY SOUL CANNOT HANDLE IT!"

Filled with overwhelming relief, sockets steadily leaking magical tears, he carefully lifted Elys into his arms and held her to his rib cage tenderly. The baby cooed happily at him, a large, happy smile on her soft, chubby face, before she hooked one hand around his cervical spine and dug another into the red fabric of his scarf, then yawned widely and pressed her face into his clavicle, falling right back to sleep, feeling safe and comfortable in her uncle's arms.

Papyrus held his tiny niece even closer, his soul pulsing with love. Pressing his forehead very gently to hers, he made a vow deep in his soul. No matter what, he promised that he would always be there for her when she needed him, that if she were ever lost, then he would find her again, just like today.

______________________________________________________

I... I did it... I can't believe I actually did it. This was so incredibly difficult to write, because as much as I adore the guy, I had the hardest time getting into Papy's head, I just don't think like he does and neither do any of my (many, many, many) OCs, so trying to keep him in character was a constant struggle. I probably failed quite a bit, but I had to try. I really love Papyrus and I don't see many stories of him being an uncle, so I just had to write this out. Our cool dude deserves it! We need more Uncle Papyrus centric fics!

Once again, I was hoping to have a bit more interaction between skelly and baby, and once again Sans and Frisk got in the way and hogged the screentime. Also, some might notice the similarities between how this drabble and my previous one end. All I can say is, they're brothers, what do you expect?

Elys belongs to Frans Queen @shayromi . I know she's still just a baby in this, but I hope I did her justice. ( •̀ ω •́ )✧

Shout out once again to my dear friend @wolfkice , who continues to be an inspiration to me and whose art I'm the biggest fan of. Thanks for your encouragement, I wouldn't have been able to get this out as quickly as I did without you. You're a star, buddy! (o゜▽゜)o☆

[lysteriaposts]

I've seen a lot of showrunners act dumb on social media because they like the attention they get from fans, but H*yden is on another level. At this point I have to assume the other 2 don't say anything to him because they're used to their friend being like this. What's funny is that he claims that Tory was trying to make Miguel jealous... then why did she jump into Robby's lap to make out with him, when Miggy wasn't there to see?? Why was she super worried about Robby during the tournament?? Does he think we're all stupid?? She also kicked Miguel's face at the party with Robby's help lmao. H*yden has Tor*guel shippers calling him a king and celebrating their "endgame", but as annoying as he is, no one is going to give out a major part of their show's ending on Twitter... not to mention the show is far from over and I doubt they have the series finale script already. Miguel didn't give a rat's ass that Tory was with Kreese, who he knows is a bad dude, and Sam threw a tantrum at Robby dancing with Tory but didn't care he was training with two dangerous men. How is that true love?? Not to mention that if Miguel and Robby are finally going to start their step-brothers journey next season, I doubt the best way to do it is by... switching gfs?? This show still has a couple of more years, so I don't know how I'm gonna put up with H*yden starting shit on Twitter so he can laugh at fans who come into his mentions. I feel like the show itself has made it clear over the past 4 seasons that Sam is the one for Miguel, so idk why they'd suddenly do a 180º and make Miguel dump Sam to get with a girl he hasn't interacted with much for 2 seasons.

Then again, I get a weird vibe from the showrunners because they love the ex-nerd/popular hot girl trope with H*wkMoon, Yasm*tri and I guess Samguel/Tor*guel are also an example of that.

Let me directly address that last part... it is *nauseating* to see them obsessed with that trope and also write them so unrealistically. I absolutely hate all those relationships BECAUSE of that trope. Especially the Yasmine/Demetri one because it is TOO cheesy. She's so 2D and unlikable and Demetri was like my favourite character for the first three seasons, his development was really interesting and then it just halted because "he got the girl of his dreams". Lame. I basically wanted to gouge my eyes out everytime they were on screen, which were too many, this season.

They've also ruined Sam/Miguel because of their on-and-off. I was never that into them, but the constant self inflicted problems and trust issues definitely has not helped make it look attractive nor functional. I wouldn't mind Miguel getting together with someone else after his dad drama, just not Tory or any of the girls we know, he doesn't need the baggage. I also think that they should do more with Sam as a firstborn Larusso kid, and not make her always be in the middle of all the love mess... I feel like they dropped the ball with her ever since the beginning of the series, there was so much you could've done with her but no they chose "love triangle", tragic. Now it's too late because they've brought Anthony into the mix.

I am not a big Hawk fan, but the fact that they had to forcefully make Moon get back together with him for him to gain his confidence back was lazy and forced writing... he should've gained confidence by himself not through her. And the fact that they dropped the ONLY lgbt rep they had with Moon/Piper for yet another nerd/popular girl story is tasteless lol. I could see Miguel/Tory vaguely falling into that stereotype, but I just can't put Tory in the same category as Sam/Moon/Yasmine especially not after s4. That's also why I'm against Tory/Sam becoming friends because I don't see that they have anything in common except love interests, and I just find it unrealistic. I would be here for a peace treaty though and stop the antagonism, like Amanda said.

And when you look at all these copy-and-paste relationships, you actually start appreciating Robby/Tory much more because they are NOT cookie cutter and "forced" (a lot of people don't know what that term means clearly). They're actually the pair that makes *most* sense and feels *most* natural out of the relationships I mentioned and out of the love square. They would bond in whatever circumstance because of their similarities, whereas Sam/Robby and Tory/Miguel happened because they were in the same house or the same dojo and because "boy and girl" basically. Now no more switching, or you won't just ruin Sam and Miguel but Robby and Tory too. As I said before you have to start deepening relationships at a certain point and not just have a bunch of meaningless drama.

And you bring up a lot of good points from the show that shows complete lack of logic in what Hayden is claiming. But again, I think that's the purpose of his tweets. He's fanning the flames, not being serious, trolling. Is he bored or why is he doing it? Beats me. I'm just going to go by what the show tells me like you usually do, and it tells me this nonsense is over at least for Robby and Tory.

[obae-me]

Maid!Brothers

Here you go folks, some maid brothers as a treat. I know these are also probably just what they did for the butler event but...maids. SFW for these ones, although with enough convincing, I might be pressed to make NSFW ones. Enjoy!

Congratulations! For better or for worse, and for the next few days, the demons that reside in the House of Lamentation are now your maids. Is this due to a curse? Another one of Diavolo’s somewhat sadistic schemes? A dare gone too far? Perhaps you’ve used your pact powers for good evil? Who knows at this point? And to be fair, who cares how it started when you have seven demons greet you at the door every morning? 

Lucifer

He was very much not pleased at first. At all. But not for the reasons you’d expect. All of his time spent serving you completely is going to disrupt his enormous piles of work. However, Diavolo has given him a few days leave to...explore this new...career. Now that he’s in this situation with no way out for the foreseeable future, he has no choice but to be the best maid the likes of which you or the Devildom has never seen before. He must go the full mile for the sake of his pride. No one will be making fun of him once he perfectly fulfills his role, and just because he’s wearing a dress and an apron doesn’t mean he’s not still completely bone-chillingly intimidating. In fact, now that he has more free time and his eyes on you nearly everywhere you go, this new form of his is almost scarier. 

He wears a traditional outfit; Victorian. One with the long unruffled skirt and sleeves. You hardly see him in white, so the stark pureness of his apron and headband are almost off-putting, but it grows on you quickly. The buttons on his collar and cuffs are a bright royal blue. He’s insistent on still wearing his gloves, which somehow only add more flair to his uniform. You never assumed he’d be caught wearing something like this, and yet he’s so confident in it, you could mistakenly assume he’s done this before. 

His main chore is making sure the other maids (his brothers) are fulfilling their duties. He’s written up a beautiful schedule complete with shift changes and chore swaps so no one can complain too much. If he hadn’t done this, nothing would get finished, and all of his brothers would end up flocking to you instead. Of course, with him being in charge of this, no one can prevent him from making sure he gets to stick by your side more than the others by a considerable margin. 

Everything he does is absolutely flawless. Your room has never been cleaner or more organized, although now you have a difficult time finding any of your things. Your pens are gathered up by...ink density? And your clothes by material? Now you’re resorted to ask for his assistance. He knows exactly what you like, and how you prefer it prepared. And once, you’d even begin to sneeze and he’d already prepared a handkerchief for you. 

Of course...this new caretaking biz of his has unlocked a new side of him, or at least a side he’s never had the time or energy to show. He’s unbelievably, heart-wrenchingly, mind-numbingly...fussy. Constantly straightening your clothes, fixing your hair, asking you every five minutes if there’s anything he can do. You’re unsure if he feels you’re incapable of doing anything right by yourself, or if he just has such an overwhelming urge to take care of you that he can’t even let you put your own shoes on.

“Master, I can’t help but notice you’ve not completed your assignments for today. I’ve already prepared your desk, let me escort you to your room.” 

“Master, I know Super Crunchy Devil-Sweet Cookies are your favorite, but they are not good for you. Here, I’ve already prepared a perfectly healthy snack. I know you’ll love it.”

“Master, it is five minutes till your bed-time. I am fully aware you are an adult...yes...nonetheless, I have your bed prepared and will not leave till you are safely in a slumber. I will tuck you in, you must get good sleep after all.” 

“Master, let me make sure your bathwater is a safe temperature.” 

“Master, let me cut your food for you.” 

As the days dredge on, he gets more desperate. It’s been a while since you’ve done something on your own. Lucifer is almost always there. You enjoy it to a degree, but it’s a tad...how do we say...suffocating, knowing your every action is under his watchful gaze. At this moment in time, you’re still unaware if this is how he naturally is, or, without endless work to hold him back, if he’s spiraling out of control. Either way, as much as you appreciate him taking complete care of you, you’ll be happy when the old Lucifer is back.

However, as much as he pushes you, you enjoy the moments with him. You find more fondness for him with every soft brush of his gloves, with all the things he keeps hidden in his pockets only to brandish them whenever you need them. 

At one point, you’d both been so drained from the day’s activities, you both went for a stroll in the garden to clear your heads. Yawning, you took a seat on the soft grass, your back leaned up against the trunk of a tree. As you listened to the wind rustle the leaves, Lucifer looked down at you with a small frown. Then, sighing, he joined you, tucking the fabric of his skirt against his legs as he sat. How long had it been since he had simply sat outside for some air? Too long. You both embraced the silence for a moment. No more chattering maids, no more assignments, just the sound of gentle breaths against the breeze. You tilted your head back, watching from the corner of your eye as Lucifer brushed a stray leaf off his apron.

“I’ve exhausted you,” he proclaimed in a soft voice. 

You couldn’t quite tell him he hadn’t…”I’m just tired in general.” 

He huffs, knowing he was right but not pushing you any further. “Here…” You feel his gloved hand cup the back of your head. The heart in your chest squeezes, but you allow him to guide your body in a lying position, head in his lap. You can’t find the breath to say anything, so you simply adjust into a comfortable position, bringing one of your hands close to your face to gently grasp the apron fabric. 

You don’t remember falling asleep, so you don’t recall Lucifer’s arm wrapping around your waist, his sigh of relief when you get some rest, and his eventual slumber when he too lets the peace of your company lull him to sleep. 

Maybe him being a maid wasn’t so terrible after all.

Mammon 

He was also not happy. So unhappy in fact, he’d refused to have anything to do with this. How is he supposed to make money off this whole deal? Where’s the fun? The thrill? No, no, no, he was absolutely not going to participate. He expected some sort of begging or coercion, but actually each of his brothers were alright in knowing each of them would have more time with you with Mammon out of the way. Well, out of everything, he was not having that. Right after his outburst, he was all too happy to be onboard. He proclaimed he was going to be the best, the cutest, the most amazing maid ever. Naturally. So, all of his brothers might as well go home and leave it to him. The Great Mammon would take it from here. One, they were already home. Two, no, none of them were leaving. As a maid, he’ll most likely end up messing up a lot of things, but you’ve never seen him try harder in his life for something that wasn’t attached with a price tag. And that honestly made it worth it. 

He wears a uniform with short sleeves and a mid-rise skirt that stops right at his knees. It sort of reminds you of a diner outfit more than a maid uniform, with two separate pockets sewn into the apron. The apron itself doesn’t go over the chest and around the neck, instead, it simply ties around the waist. The bow wrapped in his hair and his knee-high socks are a pleasing gold color, one that matches the sunglasses he still wears despite it not fitting the rest of his look. 

His main chore is errand boy. He’s running from here and there to get you and his brothers what they need to carry out their chores. He’s always busy buying groceries, delivering things to your room, dropping off supplies for the other maids to use. Not only is he the fastest so this is more efficient, but it does a pretty good job of wearing him out at the end of the day. 

He always has had the capacity to be cute, but somehow with this new occupation of his, he’s become increasingly adorable. And it’s during this time where you realize how much he cares and pays attention to you. He may be considered a terrible maid, but you appreciate his efforts and the gifts he bought for you, even if he had spent the money for food on it. And where Lucifer strives to keep you safe, Mammon strives to keep you entertained, even if it means going against his older brother’s carefully laid plans.

“Master! While I was out grocery shopping I saw your favorite snacks and snagged them for ya! If you eat them now, I’ll take the trash away so Lucifer never knows, eh?” 

“Here is your dinner, Master. I’m sorry it’s so late, Satan was making it all wrong! Tch, What kind of maid forgets that you prefer it prepared soft and without any Super Spicy Devil’s Sauce? I had him remake the whole thing for ya.” 

“Welcome home, Master! I’ve finished all my errands for today! So...can I...spend the rest of the day serving you personally?” 

“Hey! Master! Lucifer is busy helping Asmo with the laundry, how about we sneak away? You deserve to have a little bit of fun, eh?” 

“Master? Oi, Master?...I can’t sleep...can I get something for you? Anything?...No, I didn’t say nothin’, go back to bed.” 

Despite the fact that he’s been working non-stop for a change, he’s not that different from the normal Mammon except...maybe not as tsundere. And you’d be lying if you said you didn’t enjoy the beam of joy in his face when he got to welcome you home. He’d make sure if you had another tasteless healthy dinner that there would be a steaming cup of ramen on your nightstand. He’d always keep a little gift in the confines of his apron pockets to give to you anytime he saw you. He’d no longer try to hide his affection, only now he’d excuse it away under the maid excuse. You’d miss it. 

You’d especially miss the thrill of having him squirrel you away, the shared giggles between the two of you as Lucifer and his other brothers would run all throughout the house, all in a tizzy, looking for where you’d run off to. Mammon and you both were aware they’d find you in time, so you’d never take the moments for granted. 

With one of those moments, he helped you up to the roof through the window. Absolutely dangerous? Probably, but he never once let you go. As he grasped your hand, helping you get steady footing amongst the shingles, the voice of frantic maids calling your title could be heard below. You lifted your head to look in Mammon’s eyes before the two of you started laughing. 

“How long ya wanna bet?” The glint in his eyes shone brightly against the Devildom moon, the cheeky tug of his lips manifesting into a smirk. 

“This time around?” A breathy scoff escaped your lungs, interrupted by the booming voice of Lucifer calling out Mammon’s name. You didn’t have long. “Ten minutes, tops.” 

“Ten?” His eyebrows raised, and he gave a little tisk. “I say seven. If I win, I get to keep this little trinket in my pocket.” He pat his hand over the proclaimed pocket, your curiosity sparking. “If you win, I give it to you.” You both heard a door slam open, and so Mammon quickly grasped the sides of your shoulders to pull you both away from the edge. But it had been too late. Lucifer was on the roof before you two before you could even blink, dragging you both inside the house from the back of your collars. 

You had figured Mammon won, since technically it was closest to his guess, however, later that night you found a strange little gift beside your bed. He’d won yet still given you his prize...

Levi 

Secretly excited. A little embarrassed, but pleased about the fact that he basically gets to cosplay? Without anyone making fun of him? It’s a little dream of his, and he holds maids in high regard so he gets a short confidence boost. In fact, for the first time in a while, his brothers look to him for advice. He knows all about maids after all, so he knows how to act, what to do, and what to say. No longer is anyone teasing him for being knowledgeable about this topic. As a maid, his Moe points went up by 35, his Dandere points went up by 10, but your overall love for him goes up drastically. 

You know he has to wear the most kawaii maid uniform you’ve ever seen. It goes mid-thigh, the skirt poofy from multiple ruffled layers. There’s an orange bow across the chest, some lining the skirt, and one large one in the back. It’s very Lolita, little lacy details scattered everywhere, even his headband. The only thing keeping his legs from being bare are the thigh-high stockings pulled over his feet. He was very embarrassed at first. He stayed in his room for who knows how long until he was sure everyone else was dressed up too. They tried teasing him, but the stars in your eyes and the exclamation of how cute he looked forced everyone else’s mouth shut. Now his siblings are the envious ones.

Levi doesn’t really have one main chore, but his focus naturally centered around anything water related. Watering the several plants in the house, washing dishes, scrubbing tubs, mopping the floors etc. He takes on more than anyone expected him to, but he doesn’t mind having a longer list. Not only is it simply a maid’s duty which he’s proud to uphold, but he sees them as objectives. Plus he doesn’t mind keeping busy, he’d go crazy without something to do. 

Surprisingly enough, Levi is almost neck and neck with Lucifer as best Maid. He gets things done quickly and efficiently. Levi’s determination has helped the House of Lamentation stay squeaky clean, and his shy stuttery nature somehow enhances this role of his. If it’s his unhinged personality or simply an act, you’ll never know. He can hardly look you in the eye, keeping his head bowed, and whether it goes against Lucifer’s wishes or not, he’s all too ready to help get you whatever you desire, as a good maid should. 

“W-welcome home, Master. No, please don’t step there! The...the floor is still wet, please forgive me. H-here, let me help guide you to the stairs.” 

“Let--let me pull your chair out for you, Master. There we go...is that good? Did--did I do okay?” 

“I can’t believe Lucifer denied you what you wished for?! That’s not what a maid is supposed to do! They’re supposed to do everything! They should do what their master asks with a grin and a bow! I can be ten times the maid he is!...So...tell me what it is you want, Master, and I--I will do everything I can to fulfill it for you…”

“I-I know I’m not as good as the other maids, but please, Master, let me do something for you!” 

Nothing makes him happier than seeing the smile on your face when he does something right. Only, he makes you a little worried. He’s been pushing himself really hard for this. Suddenly changing his lifestyle all at once must be difficult for him. How has he not gone crazy without playing any of his games? 

So you indulge him when you have the chance, ordering him to play a game with you or recommend a new show. Then the excited Levi comes back into view, some of the stress melting away as he describes the shows he knows you will love the best. You do like Maid Levi, but you miss his little rants about broken plot, his cries over character death. The otaku that you’d come to know he had hidden himself away these last few days. You’d be happy for him when it was all over. 

Until then, you’d let him take care of you. Even if you didn’t need or want anything, you’d go send him off to do something, watching him swell with happiness. Whenever he’d return, you’d make him bow, taking the time to rub his head and assure him he was doing a swell job. 

“Why don’t you get some rest, Levi? You’ve done a lot for me today.” 

“I can’t!--I mean, I’m alright, Master. It’s my duty to always be attentive!” He attempted a little curtsey, but you could notice his legs slightly tremble. 

“Levi…” Once again, you brushed your hand over the top of his head, a finger curling around one of his strands. “You’ve done the most out of everyone here, and even Lucifer is exhausted. I order you to get some rest.” 

“But--” 

“You would deny a direct order from your Master?” You raised an eyebrow, but kept the soft smile against your lips. He stiffened, but then slowly shook his head. “Good. While you’re at it, I order you to eat a good meal, take a shower, and get at least 8 hours of sleep, understood?” 

All he could do was stammer, shifting the weight of his body from one foot to the other. How long had it been since he’d taken decent care of himself? Much too long, probably. You’d felt strange at first dishing out orders left and right, but you didn’t hesitate with these, holding your ground until Levi lowered his head and obeyed. 

At least you still had a few more days left with this power. Maybe you’d make him say something nice about himself tomorrow. 

Satan

His annoyance was outweighed by the intriguing curiosity. He’d read about maids in some of his history books, but never had the opportunity to see one much less become one. So, he decided to give it a shot as a learning experience. After all, it was only for a few days, and unlike some of his brothers, he could handle nearly anything for a few days. Besides, he saw this as another opportunity to annoy Lucifer at any turn as well as one-up him by being the better servant. 

He wears a cat maid outfit, he really didn’t see another option. The fake cat ears atop his head match his hair color perfectly, as well as the fake tail tied around his waist, sticking out of the skirt. There’s a small kitty shaped hole in the middle of his chest and a green paw print pattern in the corner of his apron. A shiny golden bell attached to a green ribbon adorns his neck. He wasn’t embarrassed putting it on, but once he saw the look on your face when you first caught the sight of him, for once he nearly hid away. He could hardly breathe once you started playing with the bell strapped to his throat. 

His main chore is cooking. He knows his way around the kitchen well enough and always knows the proper cookbook if he needs to look up something new. Plus, he always tries to go the extra mile, adding little designs to the food he makes for you. Of course, they’re all cat themed. Not only does he find this a great creative outlet, but he relishes the look of excitement on your face when he lifts the lid to the tray. He loves it even more when you upset Lucifer by setting aside your work for him. 

His rather bold and assertive nature slowly melted away with time as a maid. Shy Satan is a rare character indeed, and it has you wondering if this is some sort of act he’s putting on for your amusement. He has been secretly taking lessons from Levi after all. Wherever this new side of him came from, you did your best to enjoy it while you could. 

“Here is your lunch, Master...I...do you really want me to say it?...Ahem, I--I’m sure you’ll find it cooked to purr-fection…”

“You called for me, Master? Really? You--I--fine...Nya~...can...I go back to work now?” 

“I’m not one to question you, Master, but...Is petting my head while I read to you truly necessary?...Alright then...Just don’t tell anyone else about it, please.”

“Master, do you know anything about the strange red light that’s been distracting me from my duties? You know nothing, huh? Hmm…”

“Meow-ster, Paw-lease, I beg of you, no more cat puns.” 

Out of everyone so far, you’ll be the most upset when Satan goes back to his normal lifestyle. He would always be off, doing whatever he wanted, requesting your presence at the strangest and almost most inconvenient of times. As a maid, you always knew where he was, and now he would receive affection on your terms, not his. Although, you can tell it’s driving him a little stir crazy, his head snapping to around with the slightest of noises. 

So, you thought leaving him to his own devices for a day and not teasing him would be good for him. So, that day, when he brought you breakfast, you thanked him and nodded, beaming at the whiskers on your pancakes, but then sent him away. He curiously tilted his head, but left you in peace. Lunch came, and you did the same, but this time he frowned. You even went as far as to tell him not to worry about dinner, thinking he needed more of a break, but that’s when he spoke his feelings. 

“Have I upset you in some way today, Master?” He turned his head slightly away from you, but kept your gaze. 

“Of course not, I just thought you deserved a break from my joking today. I’m sure it’s not fun, being stuck inside most of the day, having me as your master.” You gave him a grin of assurance, but he only seemed more upset. 

“Do you think I would put as much effort into my service as I do if I didn’t think you were a worthy Master?” He took a small step towards you. “I’m here because I want to be here, so don’t push me away.” He brushed his forehead against your shoulder, blushing but smiling brightly as you rubbed the top of his head. 

He could stay like this for a while longer, you didn’t mind. 

Asmo

Possibly the most excited of the bunch. Typically, he’s never a fan to take care of someone other than himself, but he did count you as an exception. He would look absolutely adorable for the next few days? And so would his brothers?! It had taken centuries of pointless begging to try to get them to dress up, but they never did, but somehow you always managed what he could not. He was a little clueless at first on how to take care of someone else, but then he figured he would treat you like he did himself, which resulted in the most caring and loving Asmo you’d seen so far. 

Did he already have an outfit in mind? Most definitely. Honestly, he attempted to wear nothing but an apron, but that plan was quickly quashed by his siblings. However, he still found a way to rock the maid outfit in his own way. It was a French style uniform, the top squeezing him like a corset. The skirt was so short, it just reached the top of his thighs. Instead of socks, he opted for fishnet tights and a pair of high heel shoes. How he would get anything done in that, you would never know, but he managed despite all odds. 

His main chore consisted of mostly laundry. Washing all the sheets, clothes, and curtains in the house, which would take up a surprising amount of his time. He’d make your bed and fold your clothes, preparing an amazing outfit for you to wear the next day. Other than that, he always made sure you and everything else around him looked amazing. 

Not much changed at first, he seemed like normal Asmo, complimenting his looks, standing in strange poses as he went about his daily chores. Then, slowly, he talked about you more, paying more and more attention to you till the unthinkable happened, he neglected himself to make sure you were taken care of. 

“Oh, Master! Look at what I’m doing! Wouldn’t you say I’m absolutely ravishing as a maid?” 

“Master! I picked out an adorable outfit for you to wear tomorrow, it’ll almost be like we’re matching!”

“Master, please, I know Lucifer said this needs to be done, but look at your eyes. Come with me, we must treat you at once.”

“I’m not sure, Master, I think in this case, Lucifer is right. A healthy Master is a beautiful Master! Although, I think you’re breathtaking already. I couldn’t serve just anyone you know!”

“Shut up, Mammon, I don’t care what my hair looks like right now! Where did the Master run off to?! It’s been hours since they drank any water! Their lack of self care is going to be the death of me…”

Asmo ends up being another one for team health. He does your skin care in the morning and at night before you go to bed. Somehow, he always knows when you run out of water, right by your side to refill your cup/bottle before going back to his chores. Asmo makes a great maid, and you’d be lying if you said you wouldn’t be sad to see him go back to normal. 

Somehow, he had the magical potential to make coming out of your comfort zone as comfortable as could be. Would he still do the same when this was over? Well, you guessed you had to enjoy it in the moment while it lasted, while he could put you on a pedestal without shoving other people beneath it. 

“Which one for tomorrow, Master?” He held up two articles of clothing, both of which were way different than you would normally think to wear. 

You frowned, rubbing the fabric of one of the options between your fingers. “For me? I don’t think either of those...work with me. Is there something else?” 

“Not work with you? Oh but, Master, anything can work for you. For example, This one,” He took the top and held it against your chest as he gestured to the mirror, “makes your eyes look amazing. And this one makes anyone look amazing, trust me.” 

You took a deep breath in, after all, you’d only really be wearing it at home. “Okay, um...this one. Let’s be bold.” He squealed, setting the right outfit aside for the next day, mumbling something to himself about the most beautiful master in the Devildom...whatever that meant. 

He always found a way to make you shine, and being a maid didn’t change that. 

Beel

He was rather indifferent to the predicament. Everyone was fine? No injuries or foreboding death? He could still eat? No problem there then. It would disrupt his workout schedule more than he preferred, but he found creative ways to use his chores like an at-home gym session. Plus, any excuse to get to hang around you more or do something for you is something he can get behind. Unlike his other brothers, he’s not seeing this as a competition. He’s going to do what he can to the best and fullest of his abilities, just like he always does. For this reason, he’s always been a sort of foundation to depend on, and you’re glad his new position won’t change anything with him. 

His uniform...was an issue at first. Either his sleeves and shoulders would rip or the buttons would pop off the chest, so it took a while until something could be form fitting but remain intact. It had gotten to the point where they opted out of sleeves altogether, they were just such a hassle. But other than that, Beel is surprisingly comfortable in a skirt. There’s no issues with the fabric needing to stretch and bend around his thighs. He could do squats for days without any tears! He does find it hard not to eat the red bows and ribbons on his outfit...they just look like pasta in the right lighting. 

Like Levi, he has a lot of scattered cleaning to keep him busy. He mows the lawn, wipes down every window, and handles the vacuuming. It's a sight to behold watching him work. At one point, he got so focused, he picked up an entire couch with just one arm as he cleaned underneath. Do you slyly hide things under couches now to have him get it? That’s a secret only you know the answer to. 

He’s very good with his tasks, but he struggles with, as Levi calls it, “Moe”. He does his best, and while he might not get the highest points in this category, just him trying is absolutely enough. He desperately wants to succeed, even if being cute is entirely new to him. 

“Here, Master, I found this flower while I was working in the garden...do you want it?” 

“Master, I...Satan has banned me from the kitchen...do you have any snacks left? I promise I’ll make up for it.”

“Master, please! Do not come in here while I am cleaning! What if something hurts you? Here, let me escort you to safety.” 

“No….I won’t accept your dinner...you--you have to eat, Master. I know it’s not your favorite, but it’s good for you.”

“Hey! Where are you trying to go while no one’s looking? It’s not safe going alone, so I will come with you. Wherever you go, Master, I will be there with you…” 

He and Lucifer make a great overprotective gang. Beel hardly ever goes against his older brother’s wishes, and in this case, he agrees that your health and safety come above all else. And only now is he worried about every little corner of the house. Boxes? Dangerous. Hot food? Dangerous. How could he live with himself if you burnt your mouth? But not to worry, he is there to make sure you are completely safe. 

On one hand, you thoroughly appreciate his consideration, but on the other, you almost miss independence. Although, everything Beel does is with a little smile and those puppy-dog eyes you never have the strength to shoo away. 

And actually, his concern did come in handy on a few occasions. There was the time where the cleaning chemicals ended up being dangerous for humans, the time a stack of boxes nearly fell on top of you, but the one you remember most, the time the lawn mower snagged on a pebble and shot it out. With incredible speed, he had tackled you to the ground. You were about to question him until the sound of breaking glass could be heard behind you. 

“That was far too close,” Beel sighed, still covering you with his body. 

His weight of pure muscle started to weigh heavy on your lungs. “B-Beel…” He quickly got up, helping you to your feet. He straightened the new wrinkles in your clothes, frowning as he cupped your face, squishing your cheeks as he checked you over for wounds. “Beel..I’m okay.” 

He let you go as you grabbed his wrists, his brows furrowed deep in worry. “See, Master, I told you it’s dangerous. We should go right to your room.” 

“You also said the same thing about my soup, Beel…but...thank you...you always know right when to get me out of trouble.” 

With that, he widely beamed. “Of course, Master. That’s my main goal. I will do anything to make sure you are safe...”

Of course, none of that changes whether Beel is a maid or not. Protection is what he does best, that and eating. Although, as a maid, you never have to worry about him stealing your food...so you at least for a bit longer, your snacks are safe. 

Belphie 

He wasn’t the biggest of fans about the notion of being a maid. It just...sounded like so much work. Endless amounts of chores and menial labor? No thank you. Other than picking up after himself and the occasional chore rotation, cleaning for him was saved for mostly punishments passed out by Lucifer. So, being a maid sounded like torture. However, three things finally convinced him to come around to the idea. One, he always enjoyed ruffling Lucifer’s feathers whenever he could, and this had a lot of potential. Two, Beel was going along with it, and usually he followed his twin wherever he went. And three, you told him it was fine that he didn’t want to do it, which suddenly persuaded him to go along. He never said that he didn’t want to, but now that you mentioned it, he was going to do the opposite. 

His uniform is extra poofy and soft. The sleeves are round, the skirt almost sticks out more than Levi’s, and his legs are covered in fleece-lined leggings. His apron and headband are covered in a cow print pattern, and a purple choker necklace decorates his neck. You attempted to coax his tail free to tie a small cowbell around the end of it, but he didn’t entertain the idea. Too noisy.

He’s mostly assigned to dust and straighten cushions and pillows. However, the idea was a bit flawed seeing as how he’d usually end up falling asleep on aforementioned pillows, only to have to have them be messed up right after he fixed them. Although, to be perfectly honest, he’d end up falling asleep no matter what chore he’d been assigned. Just seeing him work though is a feat in itself.

Belphie as a maid hardly changes a thing personality wise, he still tries to pry you away from your responsibilities, tempting you to join him in his slothful ways. So, alongside Mammon and Levi, he focuses on making you happy first and foremost, only, he hopes your wishes coincide along his own. 

“Hey, Master, you look tired, how about you come take a nap? I did just fluff up your pillows for you, don’t they look cozy?” 

“What does it matter what Lucifer suggested? You’re the Master, do whatever you want. He won’t be able to stop you.” 

“I...zzz...no don’t eat that...Beel...Huh!? No I wasn’t sleeping, Master, I was just testing this cushion’s comfort levels. It passes.” 

“Okay, I usually say it as a joke, but you’ve been up way too late, Master. Here, it’s a nice cup of hot chocolate I made for you, it should make you sleepy. Once you’re done, we’re going straight to sleep. Yes, I said we.” 

He might not have changed all too much, but he does seem a bit happier, not as nonchalant about everything, plus he does get an absolute kick out of seeing Lucifer work alongside his siblings like everyone else. Although, the nighttime is when he thrives. While everyone else is asleep, he makes nightly rounds, ensuring everyone gets good rest, even Lucifer as much as Belphie acts like he can’t stand him. 

During the night, if you can’t sleep or end up waking during odd hours, he enjoys being the only maid around. He can have you to himself, and it’s hard to deny a Master who looks as cute as you do when you’re sleepy. 

“Another restless night?” He snuck into your room without a sound. He always seemed to know when you were awake. 

“Yeah...just my brain won’t shut up I guess.” You groaned, your body trying to remind you that you were exhausted, your muscles aching as you moved. 

“That won’t do at all. As much as I would enjoy you being up with me, my Master needs good rest.” He shook his head, and held out a single finger as he told you to wait before speeding away. When he returned, he threw a few more pillows onto your bed and unfurled a different blanket. Albeit a little forcefully, he shoved you back down onto the bed, pulling the new blanket over your shoulders. It surrounded you with fuzzy warmth, your eyes already heavy. The pillows smelled like sugar and lavender. “A little bit of help from Asmo and a nice dryer.” He settled down on his knees near your bedside, telling you stories about the stars until you fell into a restful sleep. 

He might not be the best at his tasks, but he always served you in his own little ways.

[animeyanderelover]

Hey! Finally caught the box while it was open! Could I plz have headcannons for lau being yandere for Vincent Phantomhives eldest daughter and ciels oldest sister? The only problem is she’s already betrothed with edward as her fiancé and she loves him. As you can tell this takes place before ciels parents died and before he made his deal. Thank you!

I get to write something about Lau again! Hope this is fine.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, obsessiveness, stalking, manipulation, sabotage, bribing, blackmailing

Phantomhives eldest daughter

🚢Lau became friends with Ciel around 1887 if I recall that right, to be specific a penfriend of his and that's how he would probably meet his darling for the first time. He as a talent for popping up unannounced every once in a while, including in the Phantomhive manor. Lau in general is mainly interested in Ciel since that guy helps him and his business and since Lau is mercenary, he listens to him a lot.

🚢But he finds himself still curious about Ciel's older sister, the only person who Ciel still seems to be truly attached too and it is not often to see him being that respectful and open as when around her which fascinates the chinese man a lot, knowing how Ciel usually is. Of course he knows from the very beginning that she is already betrothed to Edward which makes sense since her little brother is engaged with Elizabeth Midford. Though with you it is easier to tell that you're happy with the decision of your father, when with your fiancé always looking happy whilst your litte brother struggles a bit with Lizzy, but you definitely try to bring both of them closer.

🚢Whilst you might not be directly the guard dog, it is mostly not like you just sit around and play the obedient and brave housewife which Lau admires on you. You have the brains as well, help Ciel in his cases and just like your husband and brother, you also possess the art of swordplay, Edward probably teaching you a bit. So you might be a mix of your mother and father, you can be shy and very gentle when around people you trust, but are also smart and manipulative, charming your way into people's heart if it is for the tasks, a business woman through and through. This is what iterests Lau so much and since he is assossciated with Ciel and a part of Aristocrats of Evil, just like his darling is.

🚢So whilst you are very nice and friendly, you are also not easy to fool, seeing behind that eternal smile of his and knowing why he is so interested in Ciel, ready to work for the person who entertains him and helps him getting profit and also being aware of his propensity for violence and the excessive amount he is ready to use it which might be tasteless in your opinion.

🚢Lau in general is pretty hard to read and predict which might make you more warily around him, something he definitely notices and whilst he is a bit amused to see you being overly suspicious, liking to mess with you a bit, he also wants you to trust him which is why he tries to be closer to you and befriending you. He is good in fooling people and with his more goofy personality it might be hard to tell where exactly he crosses the platonic line to a romantic one. He is not really shocked nor disappointed or embarrassed when realizing his feelings, he has strong nerves and will just take it the way it is. He can't do anything about his feelings anyways, so why bother?

🚢But no matter from where you look it, Lau mostly only acts in what he thinks will be for his personal best iterest which is why he decides to break the whole engagement somehow off, though knowing he has to be careful since his darling's little brother, someone he is allied with, has a tight connection witht he Midford's and would want to avoid raising tension between his and their family. He knows it won't be easy, you're smart and you and Edward love each other, but there is always a crack, even in the most happiest lve stories. And all he has to do is find that little flaw and stir it up until everything falls apart. Lau has patience and doesn't waver, not acting bothered when seeing you and your fiancé being all lovely together, he keeps that smile because he has indeed a will made out of steel. He knows that eventually his time will come.

🚢Killing Edward would of course also be an option and afterwards he could use the chance to court you and be your shoulder to cry on, but that idea bears a lot of risks because his death would cause a commotion with everyone being dead set on finding the murderer and he would be finished when he is exposed, all his money and his business would be shattered mercilessly and he might risk getting killed himself. There are too many unknown factors and the fast road is not always the best, the longer one works in most of the cases better which is why he chooses to wait for longer and plan everything better.

🚢He has to become a close person of yours at first, fightng his way slowly into your heart. It doesn't have to be love for now, a friend should be fine, preferably a really good one as well since Lau likes spending time with you, you're funny to be with and he sincerely enjoys your company a lot. Additionally he often brings you presents, hair ornaments with expensive patterns, ointments for skin and alos many clothes, somewhat spoiling you. This is a sign that he likes you and is probably the reason why you refuse, not wanting to awaken in Edward the wrong impression by accepting presents of another way, but Lau insists, guaranteeing it's merely a sign of his respect for you as a good friend and daughter of the Phantomhive's. He has his ways with words which is why he somehow manages to convince you to reluctantly accept them.

🚢Ciel might be more protective despite you being the older one and also being protective of him. But Ciel kind of does not know what to feel when seeing Lau growing so close to you, not being able to tell if he truly likes you or just wants to test him a bit which is why he as well is a bit more warily with him when around you. He just can't tell what Lau is really up to and whilst that guy follows his demands and works together with him, that doesn't mean that he has to trust that guy around you. Kind of tries to seperate you two, with both of you noticing what he is up to.

🚢 And it is not like Lau doesn't keep an eye on you even when he isn't physically present, he has Ran Mao stalking you a bit, though she has to be careful with Sebastian being around and additionally she also spies on the Midford's in an attempt to find something out which he might be able to use against them and the engagement. It is not like Lau doubts Edward will treat the s/o good, it's just that the only person he would be truly able to share with without having to work on plans to eliminate the other person is Ran Mao herself since he sees her as his sister and has faith in her, though he is ready to share when the stakes are against him. But as long as he knows there is a chance, he grabs it, just like he always does.

🚢In the end it comes all honestly down to whether or not his darling knew about "Ciel" and Ciel because that will ultimately decide how good of a chance he has. Because if she knew and kept quiet about it, it might hint that she would later on decide to flee alongside with the rest of the servants, although she might have been shaken up when seeing her brother who she had thought of dead. Because that would put her herself in a tight spot and there might be a bounty on her as well which might lead the Midford's to declaring the engagement is broken off. So whilst she fully understands why they made that decision, it doesn't keep her from breaking down which is somewhat the cueword for Lau to become active when saving his darling and her brother. It's literally his opportunity to shine without even having to do anything.

🚢If she didn't know and would feel betrayed by her little brother who kept it a secret from her as well as absolutely devastated that she never realized this despite being their older sister, she might be too confused to really do anything and stay which makes things for Lau more complicated since he didn't see this coming at all. He needs to change his plans afterwards and if "Ciel" has a similar sense of possession over his sis like he has over his little brother, this will get complicated since he won't let her off the hook easily.

[jolynej]

may i ask some hc's for a bisexual artist reader dating bruno, giorno and doppio? 🥺 👉👈 (bonus: reader gets to flip off/ smack diabolo for interrupting dates lol) - 🎨

yes! sorry it took so long, honey! this was really fun to write!! hope you enjoy, bby!!

all characters are 20+ in this piece!

CW: implied nsfw, a curse word in Doppio’s part

• Immensely impressed with your artistic and creative capabilities, no matter your preferred medium. Each time that you present him with a finished copy of your work, his cerulean eyes light up, and his amber lips tug up to reveal a proud, dazzling smile. He gets worried that some of his compliments may sound repetitive, so he has developed a habit of commenting on and praising the most random aspects of your work. From anyone else it’d be odd to hear about that ‘handsome shade of green’ or the ‘fascinatingly sexy technique’ you used, but it’s Bruno, and you wouldn’t expect anything less

•If you’ll indulge him, he’s a big fan of sitting back and watching you work. Full warning though — those odd comments of his are in full abundance! The man truly hangs on to everything that you do and is very anticipatory of how your piece will turn out. But he is far from overbearing. He knows how bothersome it can be to have someone hovering over your shoulder, and he makes sure to allow you to have more than enough breathing room and space to work

•On special occasions such as anniversaries or your birthday — or even just on a random Tuesday, the man just loves surprising you, let’s be real — he’ll gift you art supplies. From brushes to paints, to art programs and aprons, Bruno has given you an array of art-related items. The moment you say that you’re eyeing something in particular or are running low on a particular supply, he mentally catalogues that information away for later

•100% into paint and sips! He signed you up for one as a date idea, and he found out that he really enjoyed himself. It’s a fun way for him to loosen up, relax, try something new, and to, of course, spend time with the person he loves most. He’s a bit of a giggly drunk, and he has definitely made you, and some other angry patrons, mess up due to his loud gasps and snorts and wheezes that he makes because he made such a silly little dolphin, wheeee!!

•Bruno offers to model for you — nude, if you don’t mind certain things popping up. He acts all suave and nonchalant when he proposes the idea, but when it comes down to the actual event of him posing on an ivory-colored sheet draped over a chaise lounge with one hand propping up his head and the other sat upon his thigh, he’s trying everything he can to keep himself from getting turned on. But there is something about the distinct way in which your eyes are narrowed in pure concentration, because of him, that gets him going

•He’s a good critic — he’s fair and offers constructive criticism but is never harsh nor rude, plus, he’s quick to remind you that he knows next to nothing about art and what exactly goes into the creation of your pieces, so he tells you to take his suggestions with a grain of salt, it’s just his way of trying to get you to challenge yourself and achieve even great heights! Still, Giorno always finds something in your latest piece that he admires, and his compliments are always very genuine

•Definitely hangs your work up in his office and whenever someone comments on the work or asks who the artist is, he just smirks and says in a knowing, smug tone that he’s intimately familiar with their other work and that he’s grateful for the exclusive access that his position as don has given him. Whether or not the innuendo is lost or not on the other party is solely dependent on their own inference

•Giorno will absolutely surprise you with your own art studio and/or gallery to display your pieces. While the actual work and planning that went into this took months of proper organizing and hours of him touring different venues to search for the perfect place, the don makes it seem so nonchalant and casual when he calls you out of the blue to tell you to meet him at ‘x address’ at 6:00 PM sharp for your birthday present

•If you have any plants in your works, then he may surprise you with a fresh cut flower or fern or even a potted sapling, depending on the specific species of flora that was featured in your piece. Don’t be shocked to find a vase of roses or hydrangeas or forget-me-nots, or any flower for that matter, on your kitchen counter when you come home from work. He leaves a handwritten note in gorgeous cursive that says something sappy along the lines of ‘I hope this bouquet blooms new inspiration, amore’

•Much like Bruno, he’ll be happy to model for you, and he’ll have no qualms about doing so nude, if you ask, but he probably won’t bring it up otherwise. He’s very patient and does a great job staying still for you, and he will also create a few spontaneous vines and blossoms to better accentuate his chiseled features, stringing the delicate petals through his golden hair and dotting a few at his feet

•Since the boss has him traveling all over, he’ll commission a small self-portrait of you to keep with him when he’s away. He’ll ask for a new picture every few months, which he explains is because he wants to keep up with your change in appearance, be it a new hairstyle/color, new glasses, a new piece of jewelry that he adores on you, etc... but honestly, he just wants to have as many pictures of you as he can — you’re just too lovely!

•Doppio brings up making one of those giant canvas pieces where you both cover yourselves in paint and make love on the canvas together. He had overheard Squalo and Tiziano discussing it one day, and he immediately found himself torn between whether you’d look cuter in pink or blue paint — or both. Doppio would love to sit and have his portrait painted; but alas, that wouldn’t go over well at all with the boss, so this, to him, is the next best thing! Plus! It’s a testament to the love that you both share, and no one has to know how it was made!

•During his travels, he’ll visit little gift shops and will mail back postcards that feature the work of local artists or photos of the scenery or native wildlife. He writes you a cute ‘I miss you’ letter and signs it with a tiny doodle, a heart, and in cursive he ends the note with a simple but intimate ‘your Doppio’ You should plan on making a scrapbook one of these days due to the amount of postcards that you’ve received over the years!

•You have a date night where you both paint along with an episode of Bob Ross, and to put it kindly, Doppio’s painting ends up on the fridge and not on your living room wall, but he’s still proud of himself, considering it’s his first time painting. A few days later, Diavolo walks by the refrigerator one day and asks you why ‘that tasteless shit’ is on display, causing you to scowl and smack him clean across his disgusted face

“Ah, tesoro...” Doppio winces, rubbing his cheek, red and hot from the impact of your harsh slap. “Why does my face hurt?”

[ferret-not-microwave]

Les Amis Modern AU: What They Wish Others Believed About Them (Part 2).

[I kind of wrote this in response to some general trends in characterising the Amis. There are some stereotypes which I'm not quite comfortable with. ]

Jehan:

• They get weirded out when people always expect them to present femme, wear flower crowns, flowing ponchos and skirts. They do love these, especially flowers. But they barely get time to slip on a T shirt over a pair of shorts and tie up their hair in a messy knot before going out for last minute groceries. Some days, they actually like wearing plaid shirts, hoodies, berets and jackets. And they did have a "I'M BORED WITH MY LONG HAIR LEMME CHOP IT OFF" phase. Or multiple such phases. They look amazing, both ways.

• They wish people stop perceiving them as tiny and fragile. They are actually pretty regular sized. They are actually taller than R and Joly, as tall as Marius and Courf, and can give a mean right hook to anyone who threatens to assault them and people around them. They get slightly miffed when people don't expect them to pack in a punch to defend themself.

• They really wish that people didn't assume that they have the solution to all their emotional problems. They are a mess too, yannow? With lots of tea, a few potted plants and a decorative skull. And they really wish that they could have a meltdown in front of some people in turn.

• They aren't always all calm and zen. Woe betide anyone who interrupts Jehan in a writing session. Or a proof-reading session. Or catches them hitting their head on the corner of the table while trying to clean the dust under it. And woe especially betide anyone who interrupts these activities of Jehan to pine for the umpteenth time.

• They don't always entertain valentine poetry requests just because they specialise in Romanticism. "Romanticism with a CAPITAL R", they yell, "ALSO includes poems like the Masque of Anarchy, and novels like Frankenstein! I'm NOT reading hours of Schlegel for this!" Some of their slam poems are fierce af , and rip the establishment a new one. Also, they don't write poems on every available surface (because they usually hide the more private and sweet poems).

• They wish that people wouldn't hover around them like helicopter parents when their date is edgy ( *Montparnasse*). They can take care of themselves, and will definitely come to people for help if shit hits the fan (that never really happened though). They want to let people know that toxic people can also materialise without leather jackets and piercings.

• They also want to let people know that their relationship dynamics with 'Parnasse is regular af, and not any chewed-out Sinner and Saint trope.

Feuilly:

• Is impatient. Anyone would be impatient if they are working their arse off in three part-time jobs, an Etsy business, classes and assignments. AND Les Amis work. He's tries not be rude, but is often blunt and brusque and has no time for the wounded sentiments of those he calls out for their privilege. Feuilly is hardly the quiet, angelic figure people initially think he is, and can be quite fiery in meetings. He feels frustrated when people don't quite get it.

• He goes out of his way to help his friends. That doesn't mean that he is a handyman for free. He does not have time to fix every article of machinery or furniture his friends happen to damage, definitely not for free. And his friends know that, and never stress him out. He does give them a lot of discounts, though, and is always there for any emergency.

• He finds a lot of rich-people-food tasteless. Lavender tea blends? Perfumed water. Champagne? Meh. Caviar? Nevermind. Canapes? Why?

• He's always afraid that his friendships will fall apart. He cannot hope to attend all meetings, let alone movie nights. He's terrified of dinners and parties, because he's worried about expenses. He cannot trust simple acts of service from his friends because he hates charity. He's also a little self-conscious about his old thrift-shop clothes. He's always terrified of losing his jobs. It takes a lot of time for the Amis to convince him to trust them, and they try their level best to make sure that they don't hurt him in any way, and help him as much as he permits (sometimes even more).

• He is learning how not to judge people for their apparent privilege without knowing their life-stories, and, whenever not tired, takes an active role in trying to know people's histories.

• Education is rough for him, because most professors insist on standards of work presentation which are usually learned by really privileged people. Even if he is low-key a genius who learns really fast and gives tons of content in his paper, he gets mediocre grades because of vague things like "colloquialism usage", "cluttered style" and "unacademic presentation".

• Sometimes has meltdowns and panic attacks, particularly at the end of the month. Feuilly knows what homelessness is like, and does not want to repeat it again, even though he's financially in a better place than before. He wakes up with nightmares about being passed out at the back of a subway train.

• Feuilly is an old soul. He knows when an Ami is sad, or in trouble. But he'll wait till he knows they are ready to tell him what's wrong. It can sometimes seem bordering on tough love. He hopes that no one thinks him to be insensitive because of that.

Bahorel:

• Likes bar brawls only when it involves kicking someone's ass for being creepy, homophobic, sexist, racist and similarly-ist assholes. He absolutely does not like gratuitous violence for its own sake. And FFS, he doesn't really like Tarantino.

• Wishes people don't look at him weirdly when he is doing regular stuff like groceries, parking his motorbike, playing with Gavroche or Azelma, or going plant-shopping with Jehan. He knows that people stare as though he was a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off in a reassuring display of toxic, hypermasculine machismo. He hates that. -_-

• Similarly, he hates it when people assume that he's all brawn and no brain, particularly after knowing him to be a law school dropout. He has a grim satisfaction in seeing a newcomer to the Musain look at him agape, expecting him to be some kind of tropey backbencher only there for brawling, but finding him actively engaged in articulate brainstorming while the others nod enthusiastically.

• He likes bar crawls. That doesn't mean he encourages R to drink. He's done a LOT of work helping R to work on his drinking problem and was one of the happiest when R got his first bronze sobriety chip.

• In fact, Bahorel is notoriously good at dancing in a bar, and often goes for the dancing only. In bars, he takes care of everyone - including the DD who lingers in the corner with a beer and their phone, uncomfortably anxious, and desperately needing company (looking at you, Ferre).

• Dropping out of law school has made him really uncertain about life. For the first few months after dropping out, he regretted every bit of it, cried himself to sleep after feuding with his anxious family over the phone, and had quite a few suicidal thoughts. It's not that he's completely certain that life is okay now, but he's much happier studying journalism.

• As a kid, he hated his height and build because he was considered too big for a certain really cute boat ride in an amusement park. He also had eating disorders in high school.

[acnelli]

Coming Home

This is my little story for the HPRomione Discord Popcorn. @remedial-potions gave me the prompt “You can’t just keep pretending things are fine!” and I originally wanted to write some HBP angst, but then changed my mind and wrote this.

Up next is @dot-adsty and I give you the prompt “Flying higher than ever before”.

I also opened my Ask Box and accept prompts from this Prompt List.

Prompt: “You can’t just keep pretending things are fine!”

Ron comes home from a long Auror mission, and Hermione’s plans for the night don’t quite go as she imagined.

You can also read this story on AO3 and FFN.

*** *** *** ***

She had it all planned out.

Every little detail, every single thing Hermione needed to buy or prepare for tonight had been neatly written down in handy list form, categorized and sorted.

Around noon it actually looked like everything would be ready when Ron would come home from his Auror mission this late afternoon. Behind half of the points on said list, Hermione had added a green checkmark. The sight of her lists, especially when some of her tasks on it had been checked off already, always had something oddly satisfying.

To have enough time to prepare everything, she left work early today, stopping by the grocery store on her way back home to buy the last of the ingredients she needed for the roast she planned to make for dinner.

Cooking wasn’t really Hermione’s forte. When Ron was home and didn’t have to work ridiculous hours, the flat was always filled with the scent of some delicious meal or another, and on weekends they often enjoyed a cake or some cookies fresh out of the oven. In the last two months, she sure did cook for herself every now and then but she got to admit that these meals mostly consisted of pasta and sandwiches.

When she planned this day she first considered going with take-away, which she was sure, Ron would’ve been more than fine with. But then she quickly dismissed the idea, figuring that following the instructions of Mrs Weasley’s cookbook couldn’t be that hard. It might not win a contest but she was sure to manage something eatable, at least.

Before she went into the kitchen to start preparing the roast, Hermione observed their living room, mentally going through her list again.

On their couch table Hermione had set up the brand new chess set she bought last week while shopping with her mother. Hermione had discovered the set in the display window of a small, cosy shop she would’ve completely missed it if weren’t for the unusually bright colours catching her attention when she walked by. As soon as she had seen the chess set, she made her way inside the shop right away because it practically screamed Ron Weasley. While not exactly the same bright colour of the Chudley Cannons, the usually white squares and wooden game pieces were painted orange. If she wouldn’t have purchased it from a Muggle, it could’ve been easily merchandise of Ron’s favourite Quidditch team.

Hermione walked over to the couch table and placed two tickets for the next Chudley Cannons game this upcoming weekend onto the chessboard. A smile split her face when she thought about his reaction later. Over the past six months the Cannons actually showed some kind of potential to not end up at the bottom of the league at the end of the season, resulting in the tickets to have gotten a little harder to come by. At least, for top games and derbies.

She knew it was probably a little over the top, considering they had been separated for much longer than eight weeks over the last years, but the constant worry and the almost non-existent possibility to talk or write to him during these missions, increased her excitement for Ron to come home ten-fold.

Yes, Hermione definitely felt slightly ridiculous when she placed a giant red bow around the TV and put the fancy Muggle beer into the fridge, but Ron’s absence caused a restlessness she had to overcome somehow. It also didn’t help that the few letters she got from him made Ron sound mentally and physically exhausted. Even though she knew next to nothing about this mission, she could tell it affected him more than usual.

That’s why today was all about distracting Ron from work, and what would hopefully be the start of a long, stress-free weekend.

But, of course, it would have just been too perfect if anything went according to plan. Because one hour before Ron was due to arrive at home, everything started to blow up in Hermione’s face. Literally and figuratively.

While she tried to research a way how to fix overcooked meat, Hermione cursed herself numerous times for not doing a test run first. Hermione had plans for everything but when it came to cooking she was obviously rubbish.

I should have just ordered Pizza. Ron loves Pizza.

Giving up on the meat’s consistency she quickly decided that spices and a good sauce could somehow safe this. Just as she was about to add all kinds of spices, she heard the fireplace roaring to life.

Ron was here. And he was early.

Forgetting all about the roast, she bolted out of the kitchen and into the living room, almost tripping over one of the loosened bindings of Ron’s ‘Kiss the Cook’ apron she borrowed. And there he stood, shaking the floo powder out of his hair and off the Auror uniform.

When he looked up at her she didn’t waste another second and jumped into his arms. Something between a sob and a laugh escaped her when Ron hugged her close and she felt him kiss the top of her head.

Pulling back, Hermione took Ron’s face between her hands and tugged him down for a kiss. She waited far too long for this.

When they finally broke apart to come up for air again, Ron softly kissed her forehead. “Fuck, I missed you so much.”

“I missed you, too,” Hermione said, “And I have a surprise for you!”

“So, you cooking isn’t the surprise?” Ron grinned at her.

“Oh, shut up!”

“Do I have time for a quick shower before dinner?” Ron asked as he shrugged out of his cloak.

“You do. And please take your time.”

*** *** *** ***

Ron couldn’t decide if he was more amused or felt more sorry for Hermione as the 3-course-dinner turned into a small disaster.

With the soup, it had been rather easy. It was incredibly salty and he probably dehydrated this very second, but with a good amount of bread and large swigs from his beer, he was able to pretend he liked it quite easily.

But then Hermione served the main course. As soon as Ron took the first bite he wanted to spit it out right away. It was absolutely inedible and he wondered how he could pretend to eat something which wasn’t tasting like the sole of his trainers.

Very slowly he reached for his beer, figuring it would be easier if he swallowed the bite without chewing. Just as he was about to take a swig, Hermione gave up all pretence.

“Oh my God, this is a complete disaster,” she whined, spitting the piece of meat into a hand towel, “Ron, you can give up the act now.”

As he too spit the overcooked shoe sole out of his mouth, he couldn’t stop the chuckle escaping him, and reached for Hermione’s hand.

“Not all is lost,” he reasoned, a little bit surprised about her being so upset about this dinner. Hermione’s attempts to cook or bake usually made for a lot of entertainment for both of them. “There’s still dessert, isn’t it?”

“Yes, right! Dessert!” She jumped up from her seat and ran into the kitchen with a hopeful glint in her eyes.

“NO,” Ron heard Hermione cry from the kitchen and he immediately jumped up to join her, “No, Pig! No, no, no, no, no!”

As Ron got into the kitchen he saw Pig sitting in a bowl full of what looked like vanilla cream, happily hooting at Hermione who appeared to be on the verge of tears now. Of course, Pig chose this very moment to finish his bath in their pudding as he flew out of the bowl with wildly flapping wings, coating both Hermione and Ron with a good amount of vanilla cream; Hermione’s hair getting the worst of it.

Ron slowly lifted a finger and swiped some cream from his cheek, licking it off as he was wearing a thoughtful look. “That is pretty good, actually.”

“Oh, stop it!” Hermione let out a resigned sigh. “You can’t just keep pretending things are fine! You have some terrible weeks behind you, and then you come home to your girlfriend serving you food that makes you probably crave the tasteless snacks they feed you with on these missions. I should’ve just-“

“Oi!” Ron interrupted her, not quite being able to hide his amusement. “Stop the rambling, barmy woman.” He took her face in his hands and leaned down, so he was at eye level with her. “All I wanted for today was finally seeing you again, Hermione. You never before got upset about bollocking up some cooking. What’s the matter?”

“I- I just wanted to distract you from this mission and make this evening somewhat special, and by now, Pig most likely decorated the whole living room with our pudding.”

Ron simply kissed her. His hands went from her cheeks inside her curly hair, changing their angle a bit to deepen the kiss. As Hermione let her hands wander from his chest back to his shoulders blades and down to the hem of his shirt, Ron decided to make it very clear to Hermione that everything he really needed to feel better, was her. This mission forced Ron to see things he’ll have nightmares about forever, and the only reason he was able to power through all of it, was the prospect of coming home to Hermione. To her touch, to her kisses, to her ramblings about work, to the simple comfort of just having her beside him.

With one swift motion, he swooped her up in his arms. “For such a smart woman, you can be very daft sometimes, love,” Ron said as he walked out of the kitchen.

“I know,” Hermione sighed as she took advantage of her position in Ron’s arms, and left open kisses along the side of his neck and his throat.

Without bothering to clean up the mess in the kitchen and living room, Ron walked them straight to the bedroom, leaving behind a merrily hooting Pigwidgeon who hopped and danced on top of Ron’s new chessboard, coating it with the only eatable dish Hermione produced today.

[hotdamnhunnam]

Dream Baby Dream

A/N: So Charlie’s latest movie, Jungleland, is an ABSOLUTE MUST-SEE!! It’s so fucking lovely 🥺😭🥰  Whether you’ve seen it or not, I hope you’ll enjoy this little one shot, based on the below request that I got! It’s all kinds of angsty and smutty and fluffy. (Title is a reference to the Springsteen song played at the end of the movie!) **This fic is SPOILER-FREE**

Pairing: Stanley Kaminski x F!Reader Warnings: smut, swearing, reader gets pregnant, gifs of Charlie in his underpants 😋 Request: This lovely request + follow-up for pregnancy/smut with Charlie’s character from Jungleland!

Word Count: ~3.1k

Important Note: The first line of this fic is a line Stanley says in the movie (scene shown in the gif above and in this gifset) – yes, loves, an actual quote. So if you’ve not yet seen this film but are a fan of Charlie Hunnam, I promise you this scene is reason enough, to watch if only just to hear those words from him... 🤤

***************

“I like the way they make my dick look.”

... Is he serious? Yes, definitely is. One drink was all it took, for you to know. He walks and talks like someone straight out of an old forgotten book or an obscure off-Broadway show. As if his whole life is imagined, yet for him the fiction feels so fucking real that it’s the only thing he’ll ever understand.

“I like the way they make my dick look”? What the fuck? You’d just paid him a half-joking compliment on his ridiculous sweatpants. But this is a man who takes jokes for the truths they expose. Mama always told you to avoid men like this—cons and crooks—men who crush their own hearts in their fists, steal their strength from the shadows, to run from their weakness. She knows best, and knows that you can’t. Knows that you turn to dust in their hands. But she’s not here to witness.

No, nobody is.

You take another shot, tossing away what little self-restraint you’ve got. “Dare you to tell me just how many times you’ve used that line.”

The fucker flashes you a smile. Cheeky smirk, the only kind that suits his style. Cheap as dirt. Just like his stupid ugly shirt. “Hey, if I had a dime...”

Rolling your eyes, you suck the sour from a slice of lime. Can’t seem to chase away your thirst. “How many times did that shit work?”

“Well, let’s just say you wouldn’t be the first...” he whispers, leaning close to take the lime in his own fingers, squeezing it without reason till every little pulp ruptures and bursts. “Wanna fuck you so hard it hurts.”

***************

Is it the best sex that you’ve had? Hell fucking no—not even close. It’s pretty bad. Probably the worst.

It’s almost gross. Feels like you’re stuck in a low-budget porno. Just a mess of theatrical thrusts. Heated groans, grating deep in his throat. Grabby hands. Somehow you know that he could fuck you so much better, though, if only he stopped trying to put on some kind of show. You doubt he even knows he can.

“Ugh, just—” you grit your teeth against each thrust. “What are you even doing, Stan...”

He groans out loud again. “Screwing you like a fucking man.”

That tasteless statement almost makes you want to laugh, but you bite back the urge. “No, that’s not how it works,” you mutter as his hips spastically jerk, massive dick splitting you in half. “You can’t—”

“Shut the fuck up,” he rasps, ravaging your ass with a rough series of slaps. Pulling your hair, making you arch your back, wrapping one hand around your neck until you choke. The sex is so damn close to being epic if this man would just stop acting like a joke. Like, really close, which honestly doesn’t seem fair. “You’re not supposed to talk when you’re taking my cock. Supposed to be too drunk to care.”

Oh God—he’s even dumber than you thought. He should’ve counted that you’d only had a couple shots. “Yeah, well, I’m not.”

“As fucking if,” he huffs, taking the hint that you’ve had quite enough. Reluctantly rolls off. Finally stops fucking you over. And that’s when you realize you miss it, although it feels strange to admit. He turns aside, tucking himself in tight under the covers like some kind of scorned lover. Spurned and burned so many times it makes him sick. “That’s bullshit and we both know it. Sober, a girl like you wouldn’t have touched me with a ten-foot stick.”

That gives you pause and breaks your heart a little bit. How is this man already getting at your heart, damn it? Mama would say he’s creeping in there with his crooked claws and all that shit. You can’t let yourself fall for his theatrics. Is that even what this is? Somehow, you sense the weight of more than just his body on the mattress; your heart feels heavy now, but not nearly as heavy as his.

“A girl like me? Seriously, what does that even mean?” you ask, reaching to run your hand across the faded scars and bruises on his back. Noticing how he flinches as if your soft touch is a savage attack. No doubt he wishes that you hadn’t seen. No wonder somebody so damaged really thought you wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot stick. “Stanley, you are honest to God hot. And plus you’ve got an almost-ten-inch dick.”

He reacts with a snort, and a shake of his head. Scooting out of the bed, shrugging into his hideous shirt. All the scars on his back and his heart safely hidden inside it. “Doesn’t matter if it’s big. Apparently I can’t use it for shit.”

Without bothering to put pants back on, he settles on the couch across the room. You move to follow him, unable to resist when he looks so cute sitting there. Raking your fingers through his ruffled golden hair. “That’s not a problem we can’t fix—come back to bed with that big dick. You just have to get out of your head. Just a bit.”

That’s a notion he’s quick to dismiss, though you notice he’s no longer flinching away from your touch—which means something, you’d bet. It must. Nevertheless, Stanley snickers at what you said, struggling to keep his facade firmly set. “Out of my head? Bitch, I live in it.”

You don’t doubt it. Just want him to try stepping out of it. “Just for a minute.”

Lucid blue eyes look up at you now like you’re seeking to push him past some lifelong limit.

“Damn, what’s it like in there...?” you wonder aloud as you comb through his hair. He’s a poem, a portrait of someone who doesn’t believe he’s a man. Soul has never known any true home. Heart has been locked away for so long that he thought it could never be freed. Head full of dreams, broken and bursting at the seams. His silence fucking screams. “What do you really want, Stan? Really need?”

And you can tell he’s scared, to dare believe you really care. “...Nobody ever asked.”

There’s a whole world behind his words. Woefully true. Yet a whole other world now opens up before the two of you, with yours. “Well, then I’m glad to be the first.”

Of course you asked. Of fucking course. You barely even know him now, but can already tell somehow... you want to love this man so hard it hurts. Truly glad that you were the first. Already want to be the last.

***************

Fucking months have gone by in the blink of an eye. And already you love him so much you could die. 

He’s never fucked someone who ever gave a shit about him, so he gets a rush from knowing that you cannot live without him. And the feeling goes both ways, needless to say. He’s always looking at you like his first glimpse of the sacred light of day. And always seems afraid you’ll run away, no matter how wholeheartedly you reassure him that you’re here to stay. That he should never doubt it. 

Still he’s just crippled with this unshakeable fear of fucking up and everything falling to shit, just as it always did. Of losing love now that he’s finally fucking found it. Stanley’s past is a ripple effect of the failures and losses that constantly kept him desperate and dishonest, and it’s fucking haunted. Can’t help but dread the day it’ll rear its monstrous head and make him pay for ever dreaming he could have the kind of life he’s always wanted.

The most that you can do is hold him close and fuck the pain away, and love him more than words can say. His dreams are beautiful, you tell him. They deserve to see the light of day. With you he never has to act like he’s some character straight off the page; he doesn’t have to be afraid to feel. To fear that all the demons in his soul are real, and full of rage, and fierce enough to kill him. ‘Cause now you’re finally here to hold him and to heal him.

All of his dreams once revolved around his intense bond with his brother. For so long, his heart never had room for another. He tells you often about Walter. The fighter. ‘Lion’ as it were. The whole life that they lived for no one but each other, till one day the champion boxer abandoned his gloves to vow love at the altar.

And Stanley is happy, that Lion has found a new family. A new life as boundless and bright as the sky. Such love as an overbearing older brother could never provide. Though Stan knows that the door’s always open for him, to be part of that family and part of that life... he won’t take Lion up on the invite. Tells himself that the home that his brother has built is too precious for someone so poisoned to set foot inside.

You fuck the poison and the pain out of his veins a little bit more every night. But you know it’s a big fight; you won’t try to push it or rush it. Just guide him and stay beside him as the shadow slowly turns to light.

So what’s left to dream now? Somehow your lover tells you his deepest secrets and desires without ever breathing a damn word aloud. Like the fire’s so fragile a whisper could blow it right out.

Tells you and shows you through passionate, powerful kisses, devouring you with the heat of his mouth. Through the touch of his tough calloused hands on your skin, softly treasuring every last inch, devoting his whole broken heart to the moment in such breathless silence... then driving inside you with vigor and violence, the lion inside him awoken and roaring out loud. Slow and gentle again, at the end. Once you’re both well and truly fucked out. The soft look on his face and his tender embrace expressing just how grateful he is that you taught him to fuck, and to love, without playing pretend.

Is it the best sex of your life? Hell fucking yes. Without a doubt. Every damn day, every damn night. Far and away the fucking best. The kind of sex starry-eyed poets strive and fail to write about. 

Stanley Kaminski is a living, breathing, tragic, magic little poem. But he is also very real, thanks to the love that you’ve allowed his heart to feel. Beating so beautifully now that it’s finally healed. And he’s become your fucking home.

***************

“Babe, you up?”

You weren’t until he spoke. The sun is only barely just; as he so often does, Stan beat the day before it broke. But you don’t mind being awoken by the man you’ll always love. More so than ever now because... you have some news to share today, bound to blow him the fuck away. In the best way, you hope. And trust.

“Mm-hmm,” you hum, shifting in bed, lifting your head to see him seated by the window far across the room. Gaze lingering upon his gorgeous features gilded by the glow of dawn. “What’s wrong?”

Nothing at all, for once, he wordlessly responds. Smiles at you before he glances back outside, watching the sun begin to rise, as if its light promises everything he wants.

“Today’s gonna be good, baby,” he states, blue gaze so wild and bright he looks a little crazy. “I mean, I can see it. I can see our future when I close my eyes.”

It’s almost like he knows what’s coming, in the next moment. Maybe he does? Your souls are intertwined so close you wouldn’t really be surprised. “Well, looks to me like they’re wide open. Why you even gotta close ‘em?” you reply, stretching your arms out with a peaceful sigh. All set to break the news you would’ve shared with him last night, if only he hadn’t come home and fucked you so epically hard that you just went out like a light. “Stanley, I...”

“Shouldn’t have woken you up, actually,” he interrupts, somewhat unnaturally. Crosses the room toward the bed, to hold your head up, kiss you slow and deep. Then turns to leave. “Love you—sorry. Go back to sleep.”

You pause and blink your bleary eyes. “What? Why...?”

“...‘cause it’s a special day and I’m cooking up a surprise.”

Although that’s super cute... you don’t exactly like the thought of Stanley making food, to tell the truth. You almost puked, first time he tried. He has a lot of skills and virtues, but his cooking isn’t one of them, unfortunately. “Babe, I told you there’s no need to make a big deal of our second anniversary...”

“Yeah, but why’s that for you to decide?” he playfully retorts as he heads out the bedroom door. Shouting back at you down the hallway as he hastens away. “Besides, you’re gonna need something to build your strength up after getting fucked so good and hard last night. Stay put and don’t even try sneaking into the kitchen, alright?”

“Fine,” you sigh, figuring that you might as well listen. No harm letting your man do his thing in the kitchen. You just hope that he won’t be offended if you can’t hold down what he’s serving... especially now that your body’s especially prone to hurling, for reasons that he just unwittingly stopped you from sharing with him.

You can picture him trying to cook, looking so adorably domestic as fuck. So damn cute it hurts. Standing there over the counter in his fugly turtleneck shirt, glancing up every few seconds, just to make sure his girl doesn’t walk in on him while he’s busy at work.

Absentmindedly scratching at his lower back with his wandering fingers, as he shuffles over the cracked tile floor in his raggedy slippers. The ones that he stole from some random hotel years ago. Why he chooses to wear a long-sleeved shirt and slippers, when he can’t be bothered to put on a damn pair of knickers, even in the middle of winter... you don’t even know. It’s such a fucking Stanley thing to do, though.

You can picture the low-hanging hem of his shirt getting stuck in the top of his briefs as he scratches his back. While he just carries on with his business, oblivious, focused on whipping up some sad excuse for a breakfast that will most likely make you gag. Your man can’t cook for crap, and you’re certain that he’s well aware of that fact. So what gives? Where’s he going with this...? You wonder as you wait in bed, enamored with the image of him in your head.

GIFs by uuuhshiny

When he finally returns to the bedroom he’s holding a steaming white mug in his hand, biting his bottom lip to stop himself from grinning like a madman, for reasons that you can’t even begin to understand.

“Okay, listen, Y/N—before you say anything...”

You can already smell the unholy concoction he’s got in his cup, and you’re struggling so hard not to throw the fuck up. “Stan, is that what I think—”

“Hear me out,” he begs, squatting down next to the bed. For some reason he looks all at once shy and proud. “I want you to remember our first time together. The morning after.”

You nervously swallow and nod your head. He can’t really expect you to put that ‘breakfast’ in your mouth—doesn’t he know you’ll spit it right out? You just try to focus on the heartwarming words he just said. “Babe, you know I won’t ever forget. But is that...”

“Yes, it is. Kaminski’s specialty hot shit. The mess I used to make for Lion every day for breakfast. The only family that I ever had, until the day we met.”

You pause at that; is it just a coincidence now that he’s talking about you as family? Surely he knows somehow, what you’re about to tell him now. You want to just tell him already, so badly. “Stanley...”

“Just let me say this. Please,” he murmurs, shifting where he’s squatting on the floor, repositioning his knees. “Tonight I was thinking of taking you out to some nice swanky place I can’t even afford... would’ve tipped the waiter off to drop a little something in the fancy French champagne we ordered...”

Your heart stops as it hangs on his words. Why is he suddenly... down on one knee...

“But I thought maybe this would mean a little more,” he continues. “Baby, I cooked this for you, the first morning I ever woke to the most beautiful view... because a part of me already knew. I wanted you more than I’d ever wanted anything before. I was already fucking yours. I never would’ve made this crap for anyone but family—that shit’s sacred to me. And now I know, deep down, that’s what I always wanted you to be.”

“Stanley...”

“You had to dig through so much shit, inside of me, and stole my fucking heart right out of it. Still can’t believe you did. Still can’t believe you think I’m worth it. Scared I’ll wake up any second just to see that this was all some crazy dream.”

Your heart is bursting at the seams. “Believe it, baby. You’re worth everything to me. I’ll dig through all that shit again, if it means being with you in the end.”

He holds the cup out toward you like the treasure that it is. “That’s what it means. That’s what I’m asking you with this. Dig, baby, dig.”

You love this man so much more than you can believe. So much for him thinking that you would never touch him with a ten-foot stick. 

Your hand dives straight into the mess to find the ring and scream out yes. Stan smiles and wipes the excess stuff off on his sleeve, then slides it carefully onto your finger as you shower him with kisses. Honestly couldn’t be happier right now that someone else is here to witness.

And he needs to know it, right this fucking minute.

After he takes your newly bejeweled hand in his, blessing it with a kiss... you take his hand in yours and press it onto the surprise that you’ve been harboring inside. Your secret little Stanley. “So... you know I had something to tell you as well, right? I’m not the only one who’s so happy about this. Happy to be part of your family.”

His eyes go wide, the brightest light you’ve ever seen. “Y/N...! Y/N, does—does this mean...”

You answer with a smile as big as his, and seal the promise with a kiss. “Dream, baby, dream.”

***************

Hope you enjoyed this!! Would love to hear if you did! 🤗💖

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[cipheress-to-k-pop]

Can I please request a romantic letter from (your choice): Wally West, Roy Harper, or Damian Wayne?

Name: E

Pronouns: she/her

Maybe where they’re away on a mission and just miss me? I’m always the person that’s “out of sight- out of mind” and unless I’m constantly reminding people of my presence, they don’t really care to be in my life so it would be nice to have someone who cares even when they’re away.

Thank you and I hope you have a great day!

Hey there sweetheart! Thanks so much for entering, I hope you like it!

Hey babe,

I just wanted to let you know that we've reached the mission site. I didn't want to write a letter because I hate snail mail. I could've just as easily sent you an email with a bunch of cute GIFs and gotten a reply from you but M'Gann has been insisting that I don't do enough romantic things for you so I thought I'd give letter writing a try.

Also because I'm not allowed to use any communications devices out here because the signals could be hijacked and thus people could either find out we're here or find out my identity. And that would be a huge mess.

At least this way you'll have something of me so you don't miss me too much.

You are missing me, right? Because it seems kind of cruel to have me just moping about here because I miss you so damn much while you're just living your life over there. I honestly wish this mission would get over because if there's one thing we both know I lack, it's patience.

Side note: In the time that I'm writing this, M'Gann's snoring is driving me absolutely nuts. I'm so close to screaming.

I remember something you told me a while ago about how you're the type of person that people forget if you're not constantly reminding them of your presence and now that I've been away from you for a while I can say that it's absolute bullshit.

You know that 'absence makes the heart fonder' crap? Well your absence has taken quite the toll on me, E. I literally can't EAT. ME. CAN'T EAT. I mean I can eat, I kind of have to, fast metabolism and all and if I don't then my muscles will quite literally degenerate but the problem is I can't enjoy it. All food tastes like tasteless mush when you're not around to share it with me.

I just want to come home to you. I think everyone around me is sick of hearing about it at this point, it's literally the only thing I talk about at this point. But I don't really care, because I miss you and there's no supplement for you so I'm just continue to miss you and that sucks.

I really hope you get this letter, I'm just planning on running this out to the closest post office but we're literally in the middle of nowhere and there's no telling when you'll get this. Wouldn't it be so cool if you got this while we were cuddling in bed? It would be something like out of the matrix.

Hey future Wally, I hope you're compensating for all the time you spent missing E right now. Because I am having an E deficiency right now and the only cure is a visit from the love doctor. God, I sound like such a simp but at this point I really don't care. I just miss you.

I love you baby girl, can't wait until I'm back home.

See you soon.

W.W.

[tatyana-dreaming]

How’s Germany???

Hi!!! I haven't meant to neglect any of your asks, here I am finally responding to this one since I know you're not alone in wondering what the actual heck is going on over here!

I thought I'd make a little overview/summary post while the New Year's spirit ... uh... inspires me (also y'all enjoy Fledermaus, I will be alternating between the bubbliness of Elisir and Traviata Act 1 only of course) :,D

So, I've been in Germany for 5 months now. It feels like it's been a year already, because it's just been so intense. After 1.5 years in pandemic isolation and working at home, basically living in my room, and then suddenly being thrown into quasi-normal social and academic situations, traveling between two towns on a daily basis, and then seriously injuring myself...and THEN moving entirely across the country again (NOT my choice for the record! I wanted to stay in the South!) --- it was a lot to take in mentally and physically. Now it's just a really isolating and lonely time again (couldn't escape the pandemic by moving across the world, but I knew that when I decided to go through with the program I'm with), and I'm just trying my best to stay positive and connected to my community here, in the US, and online as best as I can.

Germany has been great re: pandemic measures (that is, having any at all sldfjaplskdfj;aslkfj sometimes I'll say something like "ffp2 mask" [or even "mask requirement" at all :')] or "free rapid tests at test centers all around town" or "2G+" or "they check your vaccination status" and my US friends ask me to explain what I mean"). That does not mean that it has felt like "back to normal" at all, although in the summer I got to be a lot more social since we could be outside a lot more. Now it's pretty isolating again and also I moved and making new friends and community is ChaLleNgiNg seeing as... events are just not a thing. I definitely need to find a hiking club or something when it is no longer frozen or dangerously muddy around here!!!

The food is wonderful*, if sacrilegiously low on spice (but it is NOT tasteless! I will have to travel to the UK one day to test the "don't call german food bland until you've eaten traditional english food" saying). I ate some red pepper hummus the other day and had to acquire milk because it was so spicy to me, which truly, deeply injured my ego :) god knows what will happen to me when I get to eat tacos again! I can't believe I have lost spice tolerance

* I have eaten out... a grand total of 5 times in the last five months. I do not feel very comfortable in indoor spaces. But I DO love grocery shopping and cooking so es geht. Plus bakeries :)

PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION!!!! what more can I say although where I am, the bike lanes/sidewalks are an absolute mess. I'm talking, one sidewalk for both directions of both pedestrian and bike traffic. (haha I could say "feels like home" but there is actually TRAFFIC on the sidewalks so it actually is a problem, vs back home...uh....the sidewalk is not really a high traffic area).

Even though it's been very challenging here (I dreadfully underestimated the toll on mental health that all these different factors could and would take) I have been so lucky and have really enjoyed meeting new people, learning so much German, and exploring places I would never have seen if I had decided to stay home.

That's all I can think of at the moment, but feel free to ask questions if there's anything particular y'all are curious about. I might think of some anecdotes to share... meanwhile, up next: photos!!