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archivalofsins · 5 months

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Mikoto's Advertising Secrets

So, today Star and I are going to talk about Double. Yep, it’s another team up to tackle one of the most difficult characters in Milgram. Today we’ll be discussing the Japanese and English lyrics of Double provided by the staff. Along with some fun facts and observations we’ve made from them.

Preface

This will be going over the use of (MeMe) in the official French and English translations of Double along with the use of and etymology of the term “Newborn”. Due to the focus on these phrases since the release of Double and how the fandom has treated official translations in the past… Star and I believed it only fair to give the same scrutiny given to past translations to Double. It cannot only be a mistranslation when it’s inconvenient to how one personally views the character then absolutely correct and unquestionable when the translation (regardless of how many creative liberties it takes) supports what one personally wants to believe.

If anyone has problems with having these topics scrutinized fully and objectively then this is not the post for them. If anyone is interested in finding out more about linguistics both English and Japanese, MeMe and Double parallels, and a lot of things about Mikoto Kayano then this post might be for you. The way I word things has always been incredibly direct and that won’t be changing over the course of this post.

This post wouldn't be possible without the discussions and help I received from not only @apatchworkstar but @tsuwmya and @doctorbunny.

With all that out of the way- Are you ready?

Okay, well let’s jump into it!

This may have spelling errors and may be edited at a later date to add more context. Just like Mikoto's song lol~

Hi, this is Star here- Starting off this post! Gunsli and I were discussing some of the information floating around about Mikoto- them with more people than me. I was mostly bitching discussing how I found it interesting that people were taking a step away from their habit of brutally eviscerating the official translations of songs to hyper focus on the wording of Double.

Now, Gunsli and myself have been very open about how we both believe the original lyrics and the translations both help add necessary context to all of the songs and that neither is less than the other. However, it is a bit… Irksome for people to just pick and choose what they consider a valid conversion of information. Especially since translating is already something that can be hard to carry nuance over. It also hasn’t escaped my notice what the official English translation is being used to support. Which is also aggravating, with everything else into consideration.

So, I took out my copy of Double and did what fans have been doing for most of trial two- looking at the Japanese lyrics within the cd pamphlet and comparing them to the translation. And boy was that interesting!

Don’t worry~

Mikoto is an honest man, guys~ Come on, would a guy with such tiredness in his eyes lie to us~?

…So, his song's translation has to be the pinnacle of accuracy; all with little to no artistic liberties taken, right? Well- no.

Literally, there wouldn’t be any point of making this as a post if it was.

(Gunsli: Don’t mind the underlined parts in the english lyrics for now. That comes in later.)

Firstly,

“I’m Double (MeMe)”

“Double” is the only line actually said in this statement. “(MeMe)” is never said within the lyrics of Double. However, given that it is in parentheses (something that is meant to add additional context to a statement), “(MeMe)” technically does not have to be said within the song in order to be put into the lyrics in this way. This isn’t a case of the english lyrics being inaccurate per se, but a case of the staff using english language and grammar in order to add context to what is being said. Something that’s not only done with the English translation, but the French one too.

So this is additional context; a rare treat for fans in the west! Now, when Gunsli and I were discussing Mikoto’s second trial CD cover-

Gunsli speculated that they added in (MeMe) to hammer in that there were, in fact, only two of them. Especially given how prevalent trikoto was/is as a theory. However, neither of us thought the staff would go so far as to just present this as something that had been said when it never was just to drive in the point further.

In every other instance during trial two when the prisoners have referenced their previous trial songs, it’s been verbally- i.e. within the lyrics themselves. Anyone can hear it, and the lines are noted in their cd pamphlets + the inside of the cd case, even if they aren’t translated as literally the lines that are said to be there are there.

Mikoto is the only one who’s official translated lyrics reference his first trial song without him verbally referencing it.

Making this a literal instance of, “He did not fucking say that.” Musical edition~

I guess you could say that Mikoto is the creme de la creme- or, to phrase it better an outlier even among other outliers. Which I find amusing as hell, considering how Mikoto is being treated in Milgram currently. Because, despite the fact that he does not verbally reference his previous song in any way throughout his trial two song, the staff still chose to frame it as though Mikoto had within these translations and visuals. Like how are you gonna call yourself an honest man, then be a bigger liar than Kazui Mukuhara! At least the text that comes up in Cat is actually sung by him!

But this is something that adeptly draws attention to Mikoto’s previously stated skills and hobbies-

Q.04 Are you picky when it comes to fashion?

Mikoto: Of course I am. Nobody would want to ask for anything from an unfashionable designer, right?

Q.07 What are your hobbies?

Mikoto: shopping / darts / photography / cycling

Q.08 What’s the most rewarding part of your current job?

Mikoto: I mean, it’s the top advertising agency in the industry? Anyone would be proud to be a part of it. I put a lot of work in just to get here, too.

Design, photography, and advertising. All things that require people to know, not only how to conduct and present themselves, but how to present others and concepts to people in a way that will be favorable and hopefully increase revenue and sales.

So, why wouldn’t Mikoto pull out all the stops to present himself in a way that would get him a more favorable response after the train wreck that was his first trial?

To be fair, when we were first discussing it, I didn’t really understand how tacking on (MeMe) after Double would make Mikoto look any better. Then Gunsli stated that outside of the meta viewpoint, we’d tackled already (which I had to bring to her attention)- That there was a second thing that made this translation decision interesting.

The fact that it served to connect Mikoto back to the song at all. As though Mikoto is trying to haphazardly put his name or presence on someone else’s work. Gunsli put it best,

“It’s a great visual example of Mikoto tacking himself onto John’s pain. Connecting himself to his suffering in order to justify his actions and avoid taking accountability. Really homing in on one of the core questions Milgram as a facility and project has continued to pose to those that participate in it- Is one’s anger justifiable when they are getting angry at something that did not happen to them. Or is it simply a case of know-it-alls not being able to mind their own business? Or in the words of Mikoto from MeMe, “This isn’t too much is it?”. At what point does defending another person become too much? Can it really be considered protecting yourself if the self you’re protecting is their own person in their own right? Or is this just a new layer of self-justification that Mikoto has created in order to downplay how much agency he had over the situation. “I’m probably not to blame, it’s probably nothing. I’m probably just having a bad dream, I need to wake up soon.”.”

“All I did was dream, and that’s what you found GUILTY?”

(Gunsli here- This line isn’t even the only one they do this with when it comes to the translations. They also do it again with the word us at the start of the Double. “Just the two of us, relieved, aren’t you? I’ll protect you (us).” Once again using parentheses to give further context or emphasize unstated things.)

Now, I’m gonna leave the second half of this to Gunsli-

Secondly,

"The “newborn” other you."

Gunsli here and-

Man, I really didn’t think we’d be taking the metaphorical as literal. Especially after all the fuss around the visuals of I Love You but- I guess things are only metaphorical or literal based on how convenient it is for things to be that in the moment. If we took every instance that the word baby is used in any song as literally as newborn is being taken here music would be rather complicated to say the least.

Yet, I guess since this is a Japanese phrase it’s a bit more specific than that. That this phrase is only applicable when discussing newly born beings and nothing else. Well, not exactly. Regardless of how specific a language is there are still instances where words and phrases will have different meanings based on the context they are said in. A good deal of people like to poke fun at English for being a mutt language and incredibly indirect, but every language has room for miscommunications or misunderstandings to occur.

Because every language is the sum of a culture's collective history. All languages are always building off of themselves and evolving and certain terms that meant one thing to the last generation can mean an entirely different thing to the next. This is true in the instance of not only the Japanese phrasing of this line but the English one as well.

So, let’s start with the English one.

“Me, the newborn other you, I’ll take it all on.”

Firstly, me in this instance is ore in Japanese. In the context of Milgram we know ore is used when John is referring to themselves. At least this is the pattern that has been presented. However, it is not always the case. Ore and boku can be used to refer to each of them respectively and collectively. However, for the sake of this example, let’s say it refers to John.

Me (John), the newborn-

Okay, we’ve gotten to the main offender in this sentence. Newborn. In English newborn is no longer contextually used to refer to a baby/infant or someone who was just born. Also, it never only referred to that to begin with and has not been colloquially used in this way for some time unless one is referring to someone they know very little about having a child.

For example,

“Where’s Janice from accounting? I haven’t seen her in a good while.” “Oh, you didn’t hear? She had a newborn. So, she’s on maternity leave.”

Even then this is still rather formal and outdated. An interaction like this is more likely to go.

“Where’s Janice from accounting? I haven’t seen her around in a while.” “Oh, you haven’t heard she just had a baby. She’s on maternity leave.”

Alright but they’re translating from Japanese to English and using baby or infant in the context of the sentence presented would be odd. Yeah, that’s right, it would be odd. That’s why in the beginning, I found it strange to even look into this line in this context as though it could in some way even tangentially be related to birth or children.

If it would be odd to add the word baby in this context, chances are that this probably has nothing to do with them or birth in the conventional organic sense of the word.

But born is in the word.

Okay, let’s do what we did with Neoplasm. Because, clearly the internet only taught some people one meaning of these words.

So, bear witness to this real quick-

Bear: To support or hold up.

Gif made by Star

Double: ““No, I need to do more…”, say what? You’re gonna break. Me, the newborn other you, I’ll take it all on.”

This is rather self-explanatory. To say that one will take it all on is to state their intentions to take on the burdens, issues, or stressors of another person or of a specific event. For example to take blame and face punishment for a crime one did not commit in order to protect another. Mikoto is also shown in Double using the bat for support.

Bear Down: Proceed forcefully toward.

Gif made by Star

While making the gifs Star pointed out that the word next to the three arrows pointing at the assailant here is "Savior" in sloppy English. This is emphasized by having "Save you" appear next to the figure as they continue to walk forward. Showing that (whichever one of them this is) believes themselves to be their savior and that what we see them doing here isn't an attack or them hunting the other down but them going to save the other. Adding more meaning behind these lines, "Cling to me, hoist me up as your “savior”, stand up and sing out your gratitude, that’d be good." - "Cling to me, hoist me up as your “savior”, stand up and sing out your gratitude, so why?"

Alright, all of that is very interesting Gunsli. However, bear is not the word that we’re here to discuss today. The word is “Newborn”. What possible bearing could this word have on that? That’s a good question. It just so happens that one of the root words of “Newborn” comes from bear.

Since the word comes from both New and Born.

New (Old English Niwian, Neowian)

Fourth Definition: Bring forth.

MeMe

“Why?”

““I” will save “me”.”

“Switch, shake up that brain.”

“Why am I here? It must be a mistake right? Take a good look at me until you find me.”

Double

“I’ve got you, leave it to me!”

““He’s a liar”, you said, and made me out to be a scoundrel, why?”

“Hey, I just wanted to save you, so why did it come to this? Cling to me, hoist me up as your “savior”, stand up and sing out your gratitude, so why. I don’t remember a thing, it couldn’t be helped, I’m DOUBLE (MeMe). I was having such a hard time, I was trying so hard.”

This is not self-explanatory. So, I’m going to take the time to explain what was going on in my mind when I decided to highlight these lyrics. I was interpreting bring forth in the context of switching. Mikoto is shown throughout MeMe to be looking for himself. Throughout the lyrics and the visuals. This is something reiterated through Double in a more chilling way. As it starts with what seems to be John being forced to the forefront due to Mikoto becoming too stressed. Something we see occur in Mikoto’s first and second voice dramas.

John even making it clear from the beginning that he’s not out because he wants to be yelling,

“AaaAAAGH! Fuck… Fuck… STOP PISSING ME OFF!” While audibly stomping around and possibly messing up his hair the same way we see him do in Double. Basically, throwing a tantrum.

Couple this with his first cover song expressly stating that feeling ashamed which can cause stress and anxiety will open a role for an idiot to play (something we’ll go into after this) gives us a good understanding of what occurred in response to Mikoto's verdict.

Something that if we didn’t catch onto John was more than happy to bluntly state to us in their second voice drama.

Neoplasm Voice Drama

“I (boku) might be trying to disappear.”

“Evidently, the time I (ore) have been fronting has been getting longer, so this “me” has been able to stabilize. Isn’t that the reason we can talk properly?”

The mental stress caused to Mikoto due to his previous verdict has led to him not being able to properly cope with the circumstances and drawing inward more as a result. Now fronting less and less as John (the one portrayed as being more used to stressful circumstances and better at holding things down) takes the forefront.

MeMe

“Hurting it, holding it down, it doesn’t change anything, does it?”

Double

““No, I need to do more…”, say what? You’re gonna break.”

Neoplasm Voice Drama

“Yeah. I… probably come out to ease the stress Boku experiences. The fact that I come out for longer just means that Boku is constantly under extreme stress.”

"The fact that you judged against forgiving Boku is causing a lot of stress.”

Depending on which of them has memories of the crime this could be a good thing.

"That’s why he’s entrusting me with his heart."

This leads well into the next definition-

Ninth Definition: Substitute.

Double: “Leave it to me.”- “I’ll take it all on.”-”Relieved, aren’t you?”-“I’ll protect you (us).”

These are again things I find self-explanatory, but I’ll explain for the sake of clarity. These are all things one says when taking on another’s responsibilities or substituting for them. Usually someone is given a substitute when they cannot fulfill their duties for one reason or another. How John describes the current circumstances in Neoplasm makes it sound as though he is substituting for Mikoto because as he said in his second cd trailer,

“I can’t take it anymore…”

Monopoisoner: “As for who is acting strangely, look here, it’s already been decided that I’m the normal one, OK?”- “Do you have a preference for plundering? Because what’s being stolen away right now is your life. “How’s this? How’s this? What do you think?” Even though the outcome was understood from the start… The foolish you is already done for “nothing to see here, move on, pay no heed”.”- ““Please, bring to an end this world today” but that hole opens up a role for me to play. “Please, feel ashamed of this self from today” but that hole opens up a role for an idiot to play.”

gif made by @apatchworkstar

“You’re overdoing it, you’re already broken. But if you persist, I guess it’s my job to keep things on an even keel. Me, the other you, I’ll take it all on.”

In my opinion the Milgram staff could not make it clearer who the actual killer is at this point outside of the third trial just blatantly telling us if Mikoto gets as cocky as Mu did in response to his Innocent verdict. (Remember those underlined parts from the beginning of this post? Yeah, that comes in now.)

Literally each time he says the other you in this song Me comes before it. Plus like Star established earlier the staff literally choose to shove (MeMe) in here when again it is not said to further highlight this more subtle aspect to oversea viewers.

They basically made it so if you line up every time this phrase is said you just get-

“Me, the newborn other you, I’ll take it all on.”

“Me, the other you, I’ll take it all on.”

The title of the first trial song and they only put this phrase in twice within the lyrics to give this effect. Like this isn’t even a stretch at this point. They’ve gone above and beyond to highlight that Mikoto did that shit but we’re focusing on “newborn” right now. Moment of appreciation for the best translated lyrics of trial two. Like honestly the amount of information they had to shove directly into this man's lyrics due to his rather disjointed mv (that they still managed to get a lot of information in as well by the way) and still managed to get in is impressive.

It’s actually jaw dropping when one takes the time to look into it.

So, now that we have a bit of the history of the word “Newborn” how does it apply to this sentence,

“Me, the newborn other you, I’ll take it all on.”

Well given the etymology of Newborn we’ve learned a few things. One of them being that newborn is not only used to refer to recently born things but newly discovered concepts. Yet to reduce my own point a great deal we only need one source and one source only Merriam-Webster. Well, that and an understanding of English grammar.

Are you getting it yet? Well, if not here’s an English refresher in a form most Milgram fans should be used to music-

Now, I'm assuming you’ve watched both of those great videos. So, how is “newborn” being used here exactly?

“Me, the newborn other you, I’ll take it all on.”

That’s right baby, that word is being used in its adjective form not its noun form. Newborn is being used to describe the Me in this sentence the newborn other you. That is what the pronoun me is being described as in this sentence. So, what does that mean folks? Well, it means that Me in this context is not a newborn individual but instead a recently born or born anew construct or in this case self. Definitively showcasing that the newborn being referred to here cannot and never could in this sentence be defined as a newborn individual. At least that would not be the only meaning in its adjective state.

There’s a difference between referring to a newborn and describing someone as a newborn. Be it oneself or another person. I know this is very confusing. I’m sorry and it doesn’t get any easier going into the Japanese. Something that even I am going to need help with and luckily can get help with.

That’s later though all one needs to know for now is yes, the adjective state of the word may be used to refer to things that are not infants or newly born. Think of it like the word discovered. You know in the sense that Christopher Columbus “discovered” America. The word is kind of like that. Yeah, that’s the type of shit we’re getting into later. Yet, for now let’s keep things simple.

A better way to explain this is by showing the synonyms and example sentences for the adjective state of this word,

Know who the adjective form of newborn perfectly describes out of the two? Could it be the tired, bags under the eyes, lethargic John or Mikoto Hypnos’ favorite human?

Man, is it “I’ve slept for twelve restful hours” Mikoto or John the one displayed as being soooo tired he passes out on public transport. Literally one of the most dangerous things a person can do.

I wonder who it could be…

If only we had a clue or a hint? (Or a bed for John.)

Ah well too bad. There’s nothing like that… I guess we’ll never solve this conundrum. It’s not as though newborn can be used to describe someone who has been reinvigorated or has come across a new sense of purpose or direction. It’d be incredibly awkward if that were the case. Because even ignoring everything else that would be a very nice and subtle way, still open enough to be interpreted a myriad of ways, for this series to highlight even further that Mikoto did that shit without blatantly saying he did.

Luckily that English word only refers to organisms that have just been born and nothing else and no one will find any sources stating otherwise ever. So, it’s best to not look and we should all just do what Mikoto- I mean John said,

“Come to know me as an honest man, eat your words, gulp them down.”

Okay, but what about the Japanese lyrics?

“産声を上げたもうひとりの俺が、全部背負うから”/ Ubugoe wo ageta mou hitori no ore ga, zenbu seou kara.

One rough interpretation of the phrase in english could be,

“Born again, I (ore) alone will take responsibility for everything.”

So, why use newborn instead of born again?

As we discussed before, no language is that easy to grasp. There are multiple ways for various translators to interpret this phrase. Not all of them will give the same exact perspective on a phrase and their translations are prone to be influenced by not only their own personal experiences but their relationship with the work being translated. For example I had DoctorBunny help me out when it came to getting a grasp of the Japanese in this instance.

During the process he said this,

“Trust me this is a very newborn invoking line. It's a saying basically used synonymously with being born. A favourite of foetus musician Mao Sasagawa.”

However, the example he gave was musical. This isn’t problematic or anything but it’s kind of easy to form a rebuttal against it. Something I’ll illustrate now- while answering that question I posed earlier with this song.

Born again in the west has a very religious connotation and even though the word savior is used within Double the staff probably didn’t want to tie Mikoto’s character that heavily to religion. Because as Mikoto has stated repeatedly he views himself as his on “Savior” and-

Q.19 Do you believe god exists?

Mikoto: I don’t believe, no. I don’t feel so strongly that I’m gonna deny the possibility but- Like, what do I gain from believing?

Taking into consideration how synonymous with religion the term born again is and Mikoto’s characterization thus far, would it really be contextually appropriate for them to translate it in that way for a western audience?

Definitely not.

Especially considering the timing of his second song's release. Ya know- Being right after the most religiously involved character in the franchise. Those are the type of things a staff has to take into consideration when translating information into other languages for vastly different cultures. Again, the consideration and care put into the translation of Double in particular, is apparent in every line, every word said or not that they added in order to make sure regardless of the language one spoke everyone was getting not only a unique but as accurate as possible experience.

Personally, I believe that the effort put in in this instance should not only be respected but lauded. For now though let’s give the Japanese lyrics some much due attention. Because they are just as good.

Believe it or not that idiomatic expression is what led to this entire post. When I saw this I couldn’t help but think of a phrase in English that is the exact opposite of the one highlighted.

“This will never see the light of day.”

To see the light of day is a common phrase that on top of being another synonym for being born means, To come to existence or be made known.

It’s a rather colloquial way of describing something becoming known or one's desire to let something be known. Like in the example I previously provided. This is what caused the idiomatic definition to catch my interest.

So, what is an idiomatic expression, well it’s a colloquialism basically.

Idiomatic means to use, denote, or contain expressions that would be natural to native speakers. Meaning that to first see the light of day is a common way of using this expression to native-speakers.

Yet, the technical use of the word is still related to the first cry or children.

As a native English speaker when I say,

“Things I hope never see the light of day again.” “Man, I hope someone sheds light on your actions one day.”

I and other native English speakers know I am not hoping for someone to get a light and shine it on that person or their actions but instead I want what they’ve done to either be known or ignored. This song is a perfect example of the concept.

Now, what made this way of viewing the information even more interesting is how Mikoto’s second trial mv plays with light in general. Double does this through its day and night cycles. Unlike MeMe that takes place during the night only and displays Mikoto sleeping through the day in Double, we see John up during the day and taking a backseat at night.

As Mikoto is shown to literally be committing these attacks at night again through the dark lighting on his side of the train. The visuals go out of the way to show his side of the train remaining unlit while John’s has light during the very first attack.

Double quite literally doubles down on playing around with lighting as a visual storytelling method. Perfectly illustrating to us that there’s something Mikoto did that he never wants to let see the light of day. Yet, it does see the light of as you can see from above. What was once happening in the dark comes closer and closer to light until the two are basically overlapping.

As though looking in a mirror

Light becomes dark then Dark becomes light and eventually inevitably the two overlap-

As we see them face each other at the climax. One facing the reality of what they’ve done while the other isn’t even capable of facing themselves fully let alone their role in this.

“I’m probably not to blame, it’s probably nothing. I’m probably just having a bad dream, I need to wake up soon. Why am I here? It must be a mistake right? Take a good look at me. Until you find me- Why, hey why, I’m nowhere to be found.” - ““He’s a liar”, you said, and made me out to be a scoundrel, why? All I did was dream, so you find me INNOCENT, it’s that simple right? Come to know me as an honest man, eat your words, gulp them down.”

Then there’s these meanings for the phrase as well (which should seem pretty familiar after all this)

2. To be burdened with; to take responsibility for.

So, remember Bear? If not, here are some of the meanings for it applicable with this definition here.

Bear: To carry. To endure without resistance. To support, hold up. Carry a burden.

3. To have (something) in the background; to be in front of something.

Bear: Bring; bring forth.

With this we’ve gone full circle. Yet, that’s not the only interesting thing about this meaning. Applying the third meaning to Mikoto’s characters specifically could make this sentence a very artistic way of describing fronting. As we discussed before with Bear. (Can't believe I've got to quote myself from earlier in this post right now.)

“I was interpreting bring forth in the context of switching. Mikoto is shown throughout MeMe to be looking for himself. Throughout the lyrics and the visuals. This is something reiterated through Double in a more chilling way. As it starts with what seems to be John being forced to the forefront due to Mikoto becoming too stressed. Something we see occur in Mikoto’s first and second voice dramas.”

That’s it we’ve done it that’s everything that’s a full fucking language loop. So, hopefully from this we’ve all learned a bit more about not only Mikoto but language in general. My hope with this is that it gives people a newfound appreciation for not only linguistics but the tremendous effort the Milgram staff have put in over the course of trial two. Now, with all that out of the way. I can finally say (in my opinion)-

This case is closed.

Also, John in Double be like-

second gif edited by Star

Well, that's all if you made it through all of this congrats. Hopefully you've learned some new interesting things.

#milgram #mikoto kayano #kayano mikoto

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moeblob · 11 days

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I normally don't repost my art like this but since most of these are just posted as one picture I also don't wanna reblog a lot of posts. So! Please look at my Dream Wardens. I love them so much.

For the outfit meme thing btw, I would like to point out they don't really need sleep and they exist to work so no need for fun outfits. HOWEVER! Marcus and Colette's ties are the other's eye colors. Sil and Luce have gray ties because Luce was more recent (still a hundred years of partnership) so it's pretty much "you're being scored to make sure you can keep the job" and they eventually would get ties to match the other's eyes color.

The basic premise is! They live in a realm filled with dreams which they have to keep watch over to make sure don't escape. Whether dreams or nightmares, they must be contained. So it's kind of like a prison - each person has a cell that contains their dreams. There are.... a lot of wardens. But each "floor" has eight wardens and it's a circle where the wardens work in pairs. So Marcus and Colette are the focused pair and then they make rounds, they'll end the shift in a rest area where they either hang out with Luce and Sil or Sophia and Ruby. Those are the four they interact with while those four have another duo that they meet on their rounds.

The wardens cannot die. Literally impossble. They can get injured but it heals really quickly. So while Marcus would prefer to not be impaled (again) it wouldn't actually kill him. He'd just be sore.

They also just do not age. So they're centuries old. That said, for a while Colette had a different partner who retired and she got Marcus... and Marcus was incredibly quiet and reserved and scared of messing up for like 10 years before he started to warm up to her. (Time do be feelin' different there) And then he opens up a bit to Sil and Robert who was his partner at the time. And then hundreds of years pass and Marcus is super comfy with them (Sophia and Ruby still intimidate him a bit but that's different) and suddenly! No more Robert. Now it's Luce. And Marcus spends five years avoiding any and all conversations with him because oh no he's hot. Sil gets interrogated by Luce because "have I offended him in some way? he won't even look at me" and Sil is just "dude's shy. took him ages to warm up to me and my previous partner" and eventually Marcus laughs at something Colette says and Luce is like "ohhhhh nooooo I'm doomed he's so cute". While the entire time Marcus has been refusing to attempt conversation because "no he's handsome I'm doomed since I'm bad at conversations".

And they mention Robert sometimes (Colette, Marcus, and Sil) around Luce and Marcus seems chill about it. But then Marcus gets a serious injury that will recover but it would impact his job too much to patrol without a head so they send a temp replacement and it's Robert. And Sil is like "oh oh trade you Luce for my old partner give him" and Colette "are you kidding? you had him for sooooo long I wanna patrol with Robert now! it's only gonna be a little while!" and Robert just .... doesn't wanna be there. And when Marcus is fit to return he begs the people in charge of their routes to NOT LET ROBERT LEAVE until he can say hi and they let him. Unfortunately it involves Marcus busting into the break room saying "ROBBIE ROB!" and Robert sighing but standing up and extending his arms for a hug. Two pats on Marcus' back. and "okay bye". Luce is left in absolute despair cause he's never seen Marcus that happy oh boy.

Anyway my dream wardens mean a lot to me and I really miss them now.

#my characters #listen this isn't even all of them but holy moly i love them so much #this doesn't even show colette's gf! who has freckles!#also not pictured is robert whomst i fucking love and hes not there in plot often lmao #you really can see .... my art has changed..... very vaguely..... since i started drawing them and how it is now #there is too much under the read more and im so sorry i did try to contain it for those that arent interested #gonna draw for today now but just wanted to info dump my silly lil guys #my lil dream blorbos #it would be fun to make more image dumps thematically but maybe i will do that and shove them onto my side blog instead of here #you guys might not wanna see me dump ocs here #i mean depending on how long you've been here then lol you might have already seen it all

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mst3kproject · 1 year

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Goncharov

Why the hell is an MST3K blog rising from the dead to review a forgotten Martin Scorcese film? I'd never heard of this movie until it suddenly became a meme, but I had a day off work and I figured I might as well see what all the fuss was about. Now I want to talk about what I saw, and this is the only movie blog I have, so I'm doing it here.

Ivan Goncharov is the biggest, baddest motherfucker east of the iron curtain, richer than a tsar and colder than a Siberian winter. He's got a beef with Neapolitan mafioso Mario Giglioli, so he heads to sunny Italy to confront him in person. His closest confidante, Andrey, thinks it's suicide to do this on Giglioli's home turf but accompanies Goncharov anyway out of loyalty. What follows is a two-hour dick-measuring contest as Goncharov and Giglioli try to out-intimidate each other, culminating in an orgy of gunfire where only one will be left standing... and this is the kind of movie where you can't take it for granted that it'll be the guy whose name is the title.

That's the ostensible plot, anyway. What makes Goncharov a far more interesting film than such an outline might imply is that the argument between the mobsters is just a backdrop. Having set up Goncharov's hard as steel, cold as ice reputation in the first act, the movie then sets about deconstructing it. Goncharov goes from a terrifying figure devoid of all morality to a tragic antihero, a man who has come to believe his own hype so completely that he can no longer let himself be human.

This is demonstrated mainly by watching the breakdown of his relationships over the course of the tense three days in Naples. The most important person in Goncharov's life is Andrey, the only one he comes near being vulnerable with. Their relationship is depicted as very touchy-feely in a literal sort of way, with Andrey helping Goncharov with his coat and shoes, lighting cigarettes for him, and touching his shoulder or arm as Goncharov confides in him. The framing emphasizes these touches in a very homoerotic way, and I don't think I've got my tumblr goggles on here. These guys have fucked.

As Goncharov becomes more and more obsessed with being tougher and more ruthless than Giglioli, whom he sees as an effeminate softie, Andrey tries to persuade him that the other man is not worth this sort of obsession. Whatever Giglioli did to insult Goncharov (we never find out), Andrey is of the opinion that they should just leave a dead horse in the asshole's bed and move on. Goncharov's pride will not allow him to do that, and the less subtle Andrey is in his attempts to dissuade him, the more Goncharov pushes him away, finally abandoning him entirely. The tragedy of the ending comes from the fact that Andrey refuses to abandon Goncharov in turn.

We also see Goncharov with his wife Katya. He is frequently cruel to her, and she tolerates it because he gives her expensive gifts and because she is seeking a vicarious mending of her relationship with her abusive father - she was never able to earn his love, but perhaps she can earn Goncharov's. This is doomed to failure, as much because of Goncharov as because Katya doesn't actually want it to succeed. Nursing a black eye, Katya pours her heart out to a bartender, Sofia, who tries to help her escape... but this cannot work out, either. As Katya herself says, she doesn't know who she is without her issues.

I am pleased to note, by the way, that every single major character in the movie is named and I can remember them all, which is a bit of a treat for me (I need to watch good movies more often). The only exception is Goncharov himself. The end credits list him as Ivan, but nobody ever calls him that, not even Andrey or Katya. In a flashback scene with his parents, neither calls him by name. This flashback, fascinatingly, is filmed in the first person, looking through Goncharov's own eyes. We are not allowed to see him as a younger, softer man. He refuses to show that side of himself even in the privacy of his memories.

These quieter moments contrast with scenes of ever-escalating brutality, as the Russians and Italians try to force each other to back down by the murder of underlings. The fact that it is literally a contest, and that Goncharov is aware of this and describes it as such, makes the worsening violence ever more meaningless. The death of Giglioli's confessor is particularly awful, and the way Goncharov's goons treat the chapel has to be ten times worse if you're Catholic (fun fact: this scene is apparently removed from the Italian version on Netflix, which must make what Andrey says while waiting for the train into a hell of a non sequitur).

At the climax, the two really can't do anything but kill each other, because it's the only place left to go. Giglioli's priest and mistress are dead. Goncharov's men are almost all dead or out of action, and Goncharov believes Andrey to be dead. The initial insult, whatever it was, is no longer relevant. They have pushed each other to a place where reconciliation is unthinkable. Whoever blinks first loses, but both have already lost so much that victory means nothing. Worse, each recognizes that the other is in the same position, and neither can acknowledge it.

This means Goncharov can also moonlight as an examination of violence in media. Why do movies showcase violence, and why do we watch it? The initial posturing serves a purpose - Goncharov wants Giglioli to know he's here to personally demand an apology, and Giglioli wants Goncharov to know he's outnumbered and should quit while he still can. But once it becomes an exercise in one-up-manship, the 'messages’ vanish and the men are now killing for the sake of killing. Violence in movies can often be gore for gore's sake, pulling out more and more stops in the effort to shock an audience that has been desensitized by years and years of this. That is what Goncharov and Giglioli are doing to each other. Truly distressing moments like the fate of the priest, or what Giuseppe "Icepick Joe" Cozzolino (dressed as a maid!) does to Sofia when he assumes she's Katya because she was in Katya's hotel room, make us wonder why we're watching this - and the mobsters wonder why they're doing it.

In the end, it's all just a blood-soaked version of the sunk cost fallacy. Goncharov had come too far in his vendetta to stop now. Andrey has followed him too far to turn back. Katya has been married to him too long to leave. Of course, any of them could quit at any time and escape from this terrible spiral, but they are unwilling to entertain the possibility. Like Goncharov himself, Andrey and Katya are prisoners of the identities they have built for themselves, and because their identities are so tied to him, they have to go down with him.

One thing I haven't seen a lot of discussion of on tumblr is the way the film uses the contrast in climate. Goncharov in Moscow is in his element. When you see his breath in the wintry air it's as if he's breathing smoke like a dragon. While other people huddle in the cold he stands up straight and tall. In Naples, on the other hand, he is out of place. He wears lighter clothing, but continues to choose long coats and upturned collars, while Giglioli goes around with his shirt unbuttoned. This should serve to emphasize Giglioli's home field advantage and yet, as we see through Goncharov's eyes, they just make Giglioli look soft. His apparent weakness makes Goncharov want to appear even stronger.

On a related note, it is interesting to me how sunlight is treated as something very unfriendly. In Russia, it glitters on ice crystals in the air and lights up condensation, harsh and white and giving no warmth whatsoever. In Italy it bakes and shimmers on stone and asphalt, casting harsh, black-edged shadows and emphasizing creased brows and frowning mouths. Outdoor scenes are, as far as I can tell, always hostile interactions. Even indoor scenes in natural light: the priest dies with harsh sunlight streaming in through the broken chapel window. When characters are softer with each other, it is always under artificial illumination. Sunlight is too bright, too revealing. People like this need some shadows to hide in.

Did I like this movie? That's a tough question. It's not really the type of movie you 'like'. It's definitely powerful and well-constructed, thoroughly absorbing and all that. There's a taste of Greek tragedy in the inevitability of the ending and the way Goncharov is eaten alive by hubris. But I wouldn't say I liked it. The characters are all terrible people whose arcs involve them getting worse, and the whole thing feels deeply claustrophobic, as if I, too, am trapped in Goncharov's downward spiral. When characters realize their mistakes, it is only when it's too late to correct them - but only in their own minds. It's a very pessimistic story, about human beings who are overcome by the very worst parts of themselves.

Is Goncharov deserving of all those glowing reviews? Yes. Was it unfairly snubbed at the Oscars because the academy was turned off by the violence? Probably. Will I ever watch it again? Fuck, no.

Excuse me, I have to go watch some Pixar movies if I ever want to smile again.

#mst3k #reviews #episodes that never were #goncharov #70's #there are horses in this movie #unreality #in case you've been on twitter or something all day #this movie doesn't exist.#i read six text posts and pulled this out of my ass at one in the morning

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minimumwagecola · 10 days

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🎩 WELCOME… TO THE A-GAYZING RIZZITAL CIRCUS! MY GAMERTAG IS CAINE, AND IM QUEER TO SHOW YOU THE MOST OHIO-SENDING, SKIBIDI EDGING, DISCORD MEWING YOU'VE EVER PHANTOM TAX, ISNT THAT, GIGA CHAD?

🫧 'THATS RIGHT SIGMA, I CANT WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOUVE GYATT IN THE KITCHEN TODAY!'

🎩 WELL, LETS NOT GRIMACE-WASTE, LETS ISHOWSPEED RIGHT INTO THE FAMILY GUY COMPILATIONS!

🎶 banban, and goku, and big chungus too, pepe, peppino, amongus, delulu!~ 🎶 gay after gay after day we fry, as the renegade pokimane makes us cry 🎶

🐰 ''gayine, is this another goofy ahh grassy pillow again? or is this a new subscriber? cause if its a new twitch donator.. we gyatt to redo this whole mlg monologue!''

📐 ''im not doing gyatt again."

🎩 ''MY MY, IT APPEARS A SUS IMPOSTER HAS JOINED THE LOBBY!"

🤡 ''HOW DO I… LEAVE THE SIN CITY WASNT MADE FOR ME''

🐰 ''just keep edging gyatt it, that ellen degeneres for all of us''

🤡 ''what the barnacles!?!? i-i-i-i put on owlhouse and now im here? who are you baby gronks? why cant i leave floptok? how do i leave minecraft?''

🎀 ''lets all kai calm-net down, everythings gyonna be okay thugshaker, weve all been through this escape the ariana grande obby, you just need to-''

🤡 ''WHAT THE VINE BOOM IS GOING ON- what?''

🎩 ''WARNING ONE, YOU CANNOT SWEAR IN GENERAL! THE GAY-MAZING RIZZITAL CIRCUMSIED IS A PLACE TO BE CLIPPED BY ALL STREAMERS, EVERYTHING CAN HAPPEN HERE! execpt for being the biggest bird ''

🤡 ''how do i.. lightskin leave?''

🎩 ''👁️👄👁️''

🎀 ''..well.. dont make a twitlong about this but-'

🐰 ''the only way you can leave is by watching phonk nair videos''

🤡🤡 ''(TIM ALLEN SHOCK NOISE)''

📐 '':mute jax.. but hes right.. welcome to the underground, how was the fall?''

🤡 ''WHAT DO YOU MEME?"

🎀''guys… dont be straight.."

🐰 ''weve been scrolling on tiktok for years.. old finger over theres been streaming the longest''

♟️''MISTER BEEASSSSSTTTT!''

🐰 ''thats why he needs to stop it.. get some help''

🤡 ''oh.. ogay, now i gyatt it! im watching dream, i should just get in the uber!''

🐰 ''whatever you say lesbian''

🎭''..my obama prisim.." :(

🐰 ''so crane, where we dropping boys?"

🎩 ''ID LIKE TO SHOW OUR BRAND NEW MOD MY ROBLOX OBBY FIRST, OFF WE GO!''

Y2FuIGFueW9uZSBoZWFyIG1lPw

🎩 ''here we have GARTEN OF BANBAN, this is where the florida men are kept, along with the FNF mods, these mods may include- GIVE HIM BACK!!!!!!!! GIVE HIM BACK!!!!!!! HES MINEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! >:((((

🤡 '' is gyatt all there rizz?''

🎩 '' OF COURSE NOT, THIS IS.. MY SPLATOON 2 LETSPLAYS!! we dont watch my OLD videos, i w(a)(m)s racist homophobic sexist abelist terrorist watchlist slay back then.

🤡 ''(huh cat)-''

🎩 '' we stay RIGHT HERE where i can keep my 70 ALTERNATIVE ACCOUNTS!! YOULL NEVER KNOW MY MAIN."

🌙 '' IVE COME TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT- ''

🎩 ''DONT MAKE ME PISS ON YOU AGAIN''

🤡 ''wait whats th- HHRUEEGGEYYAHHAHAUHASGSGUGDS :vomits vomits vomits vomits vomits vomits: ''

🎩 '' WOAH!!!!!! SHES LITERALLY DOING THE GWIDDY!''

🫧 ''me too!! watch me boss!!!!!!!"

🎩 "Stop."

🤡 ''Was that an skibidi toilet I saw out there? Is gyatt a way get a weave?"

🐰 '' What toiwet? If there was a way to not be a noob vs pro im pretty sure we'd all be hackers by now. "

📐''Yeah, what are you waffling about?"

🎩'' I ASS(ure) YOU, THERE RIZZ NO EASTER BUNNY, THERE IS NO FEETFAIRY, AND THIS RIZZ NO QUEEN OF ENGLAND!''

🤡''YOUR MOM HITS IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A CHROMEBOOK CHARGER-''

🎩 '' THATS WHY YOU SOUND LIKE THE ROBLOX COIL SOUND BITCH BOI- how about we talk about roblox doors? Whats your gamer tag?''

🤡 ''my @ is… uh.. OH FUCK. ALL I CAN POST IS ☻/ This is bob. Copy and paste him so he can take over youtube. /▌ /\ ''

🎩 ''FORGOT PASSWORD? SIGN IN USING EMAIL ADDRESS.. OR MAKE A NEW ACCOUNT! ENTER NEW NAME AND NEW PASSWORD''

🤡 ''GOD FUCKING DAMMIT KRIS WHERE THE HELL ARE WE''

🎩''dont you worry your 0% rizz, your new tumblr url can be ANYTHING! Heweby acknowwedging that youw chosen name and ow names may nowt bweach the Digitaw Ciwcus usew wicense agreement stating that youw name may nowt incwude objectionabwe content. Objectionabwe content incwudes but is nowt wimited to: Sexuawwy expwicit matewiaws, obscene, defamato-wy, wibewous, swande-wous, vio-went, and ow un-wawfuw content ow pwofanity. ''

🤡'' erm… actually.. randomly generate it please. ''

🎩 ''lets see… Who is Pomni - for 300?'' (jeopardy)

🤡 ''(womp.)

🎩 ''you're right, marketable, lets try gyatt again! what do you think of XDDCC? ''

🤡 '' BIYTCH IS YOU BLIND-''

🎩 '' badonkers. dobonhonkeros. massive doboonkabhankoloos. big ol' tonhongerekoogers!!! we should start a sidequest with our new donator, XDDCC!!! ''

🐰 ''i said that at 3:20 in the original pilot''

🎩 ''YYYOUUUUUU! SOILDJABOY OFF IN IT, WATCH ME CRANK IT WATCH ME ROLL, WATCH ME CRANK THAT SOULJA BOY THEN SUPERMAN THAT, NOW WATCH ME YUUU-''

🫧'' (plays kevin mcloyed)''

🎩'' ########### ## ####### ### ### # # ##### ''

🤡 ''does anybody in this thread play minecraft-''

🎩 '' SINCE YOUR ACCOUNT IS 12 MINUTES OLD, were gonna make this simple for your ipad baby ass, a simple oklahomo powered adventure to warm you up to the pizza tower. ''

📐 ''NO!! I DONT WANT TO PLAY WII SPORTS… GRRR… eyes glow red''

🎩'' dont worry zooble/halfdemon/princess/rich/gamer/wolf/donttouchmytail/crush;secret!!! ill make it so you can play it on console AND pc! ''

aXRzIHNvIGNvbGQ

🎩 '' hello everybody my name is markiplier and welcome to gather the number lore! thats right! here in the rainbow friends playplace will be rizzed up with swifties, you gotta catch em- (COPYRIGHT)''

🫧 ''what are swifties?''

🎩 ''thanks for the ask, anon! theyre mid-''

🫧''can it run bad apple''

🎩 ''..they-''

🫧''..can it play megalovani----''

🎩'' Swifties are part of the number lore that vore everything and draw anything they rizz into! Why do these sans fangirls do this? How do you block them? thats for me to know and for you to find out.''

🤡''…what… did any of gyatt mean?''

🎀 ''oh, hes just ai generating mr beast videos, theyre content farm so the ipad babies dont go insane.''

📐''speak for yourself motherfucker, if anyone needs me im smoking a fat blunt- OH GOD OH FUCK- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa….''

🐰''oh no, they killed zooble.. you bastards.. anyway you lesbians wanna play touhou?''

🎀'' (pheonix wright) HOLD IT!! we should check on KSI-FMO. I'm pretty sure he'd like to challange XDDCC to a boxing match!''

♟️''THERES 104 DAYS IN SUMMER VACATION-''

🎀'' You wanna come with us to *check on boykisser kaufmonster, how should i feel?''

♟️''Not rizzly. I think Kevin macleoufmos got packed by packgod. Last time I spoke with him, he was watching Lankybox for over 6 hours."

🤡''whose lankybox?''

♟️''No."

🎭''can someone save my goth genderfriend :(''

🤡 '' Well if you wont tell me, then I'll just ask him. And then I'll stop watching dream and watch tubbo instead!"

🐰 ''Heh. She still thinks dream isnt a pedo."

🎀 ''why are you looking at me like that? …. fa-"

🐰 ''im fine with doing (yourmom) as long as I get to see vanossgaming gmod prophunt funny moments- OW. okay ive had enough of these spambots. You, me, and XDDCC will go to the gastation. Sexualized ribbons and tumblr sexyman together will go block all the swifties.

🎀 ''..is shipping them a good idea?"

🐰 ''of course i do, im also a tumblr sexyman, whats gonna happen? i get shipped next? (proweler meme)''

🎭 ''…my comedy cock is broken again.''

♟️''okay. wait WHAT. ''

aW0gaHVuZ3J5

🎀''Welcome to the internet, have a look around, anything skibidi or phantum tax can be found. We gyatt maximum sigma grindset, but- WAIT XDDCC NO DONT LOOK UP YOUR OWN NAME!- '

🤡 ''I dont understand.. why go to the goofy ahh meepcity parties instead of trying to exit terraria?''

🎀''Well, we usually do, when we first make an account. But after awhile you start to realize that shiny hunting for the same pokemon or trying to get your favorite animal crossing villager to visit your island will make you become marketable and youll succumb to the pibby glitch."

🐰''Thank goodness this is all just an SMP, right XDCC?''

🤡''……………………… Why are we here again? Who am i, who am i? What are you even saying?''

🎀''We're gyetting one of the boys at 3 am." … Huh. Maybe he's off-stream mining? Hope he's not in creative.

🐰''Dont worry raggedy andy, Im gonna be so racist itll open the door."

🎀 ''JAX NO!!! YOU SHOULDNT BE RACIST TO DOOR!!!!''

🐰''Okay i wont be racist… JUST KIDDING, IM ULTRA RACIST NOW. You're not afraid of gay people, are you?"

🎀''JAXX!!!!!!!!! THATS LITERALLY MY ONLY FEAR (homophobic) WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS…!!!"

🐰''(minecraft open door) im gonna have to take my balls back from you kaufy. Papyrus.. im going to grillbys, do you want anything?"

🎀 ''..OH….. KAUFMO985 BECAME PART OF THE PIBBY GLITCH. INSERT SEINFIELD THEME."

tobecontinued.

#cw longpost #cw tadc #cw the amazing digital circus

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swordsmans · 9 months

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ahhh i really try to keep things Flirty and Fun here, but i just wanted to lower the capitalization to flirty and fun for a moment, because. this is the second day in a row that i have full-on weepy cried irl over comments on my newest fic, and i really, really, really cannot thank you guys enough for the response to it from the absolute bottom of my heart.

fic writing brings me a lot of joy. it's both a creative outlet and a form of escapism. it's also a very intentional challenge i give my brain. yes, fundamentally i'm writing about two anime guys wanting to kiss sooo bad (because they should)—but inevitably i've put little bits of myself into my stories, as well. my little vulnerable insides that i sometimes struggle to look at directly. you know, regular artist stuff. it's hard not to, because all stories come from the heart (even fanfic).

i stopped writing for myself for many years, and i have only just returned to it this year for various reasons. the response from everyone has been absolutely overwhelming, even from day one. i'm not always the best at responding to messages or comments fast (or even at all, depending on the day) but i read everything. tags, bookmarks, ao3 comments, dms, inbox messages—all of it. i have screenshots saved in case anyone deletes anything. i go back and revisit things over and over again. every single kudos or like brings me joy.

i cannot overstress how much i love and cherish every single person who reads the stuff i've written. i'm a writer but there are literally no words big enough in the english language to express how you guys make me feel. all i can do is say thank you and keysmash and send lots of heart emoji memes... and hope i am getting the message across. but really, really thank you. from the bottom of my heart thank you. thank you, thank you, thank you.

#the zolu community in particular has been incredibly welcoming and warm... everyone has been so nice #to say i worked hard on my newest fic is an understatement #interviewed a guy who does fishing boat repair for one thing. spent a lot of time at the harbor #did a lot of museum research even outside my job. shed lots of irl tears #it also has a lot of those soft inside bits of me in its themes #i was fully convinced it was going to be me and one or two friends but SIXTY-SIX people have read and enjoyed it!!!#when i think of how many people that is it's hard to imagine. that's a whole room filled wall to wall. thats AMAZING!!!!#sorry to bring it down but i just need everyone to know how important this is to me #my feelings are all big and wonderful... thank you thank you thank you. really genuinely thank you.#gyro.txt #gyro.odt

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starredforlife · 3 months

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we need to have an intellectual movement we need to start educating ourselves as critically and urgently as possible and by we I need American youth teens adults. we have to cover as much of the breadth of knowledge we can that is granted to us freely in the form of books and podcasts and articles and essays and zines like we cannot spend so much time Consuming Content. I’m tired of it. I understand the desire i really do I have Chopped on in the background right now. But what is the point if we by position in such privilege, in such an age of individual potential of discovery, literally unlimited resource, refuse to read and learn and connect some dots and make conversation about it all. With personal education comes a fierce want for someone to discuss it with and so we get community and then probably a podcast or two but that’s good that’s for the better. Can we turn away from industries (mind, not the people) that have clearly and wholesale rejected the premise of art and storytelling that isn’t nostalgia bait and empty cash grabbing and can we start relying on ourselves to make it. Can someone less irritated than me make memes, or something, that’ll make people interested in the frankly obscene wealth of literature and history we have at our fingertips. We have always had a responsibility to keep learning, but that doesn’t mean we doomscroll and feel bad abt it and escape into a comfort show and call it a day it means we shape a way forward through relentless pursuit of knowledge, through creation of our own ideas, with community. It means we need to read these books into our souls because it’s possible for them to be taken away from us before we get the chance to

#DO YOU HEAR ME DOES THIS MAKE SENSE.#i too love art made by Hollywood I have CONTRIBUTED to this industry in minor ways #and by art I mean content I mean franchise I mean billion dollar productions #at the same time I hate it deeply and I want to disavow it entirely as art #it’s made by labor often with artistic intention it can be pretty it can make you feel good #but it is embalming. it is a seal around us #it all starts to feel like a bandaid. I am itching.#star’s thoughts #misc #i would love to go back to college but I can’t afford it and am not in a location I’m staying in for long enough

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yermes · 8 months

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PAC: 🍁

School started for me and starbies just came out with their seasonal fall flavors so even though I am a victim of broke college student fevar I went to starbs bc whats $15 when yr already in a fuck ton of debt. So I went to starbs with my roomie to get some PSLs. But while we were there one of the baristas was just losing their absolute fucking mind at another barista who was just trying to help these young highschoolers not be late. Like???? Screaming at her not to touch anything and she can’t fucking jump the line my heart literally broke. If I had any money like fucking dollar bills I would have given them to her. Like so fucking awful. But honestly so many people are under appreciated. I literally spend my life taking care of people who claim that. “They only think of others, and they never put themselves first, or I am JUST SUCH A CARE TAKER.” But when push comes to shove they’re no where to be found. A READING FOR MY UNDER APPRECIATED MOTHER FUCKERS SO YOU KNOW HOW LOVED AND VALUED YOU AREEEE.

(I know most of you are mystics who wish to be the most esoteric babe in the mystic forest, who has to work a 9-5 so this is for youu)

Pick a meme

The cards

Nine of Wands (Reversed) 🧸

Yesod, Lord of Great Strength, Moon in Sagittarius, 10°–20°. Angels Yirthiel and Sahiah

You are putting something off in so you can help others. Something is being delayed. You are intentionally abstaining from something which in turn is causing you to spiral. Maybe your ass is working the rush shift everyday and your coworkers are assholes and you cannot bare to leave that anxious toxic ass mess. However, you owe it to yourself to find a better environment. People don’t leave because the security of which is offered but are you actually secure or are you comfortable in your mistreatment?

find people who will do better and will work with you and match your energy.

Futility 🪒

Moon 3. In Aquarius, Netzach in Air, seven of swords

The seventh suit. A notably unlucky suit. You have been backed into a corner and you need to get your way out. Now this isn’t a gun fight its a fight of wits. You need to use your cleverness to escape. Honestly, maybe a toxic friend or person you know led you down a dark path? Maybe you got love bombed so hard and led with the promise of love and compromise you fell so hard and breaking every bone on the way down. Be safe. Get out of there

Back rooms level RUN!

Fortitude (Reversed) 🫁

Daughter of the Flaming Sword, Teth, Serpent

Damn bitch you gave so much of yourself you became ill and have been weakened SEVERELY. You are also getting resentful which is hard. Like you said you were this strong ass bitch who could do anything. So you did everything and now you have egg on your face. Some athletes get trained so hard and so extreme they die. You’ve been giving so much mentally and emotionally you weakened yourself. You wouldn’t workout till death why would you give so much till failure?

Make room for yourself and forgive yourself.

The Star 💫

Jupiter in Aquarius, Chokmah to Tiphareth, Air

Its the hope that guides us all. You have such a deep well of love in that little heart of yours. The way its telling you to go is the right one. However, an off putting aspect is there may be part of the code thats got a bug, which makes your hopeful manifestations plagued by illusions. Live in the moment. Be confident of nature and your gut. Somethings may not be clear now but day by day and little by little you will find out more and more.

Take care of yourself and protect your peace

Extras:

Story/vent: once again athlete student life os difficult and I am shoving this reading in so that I can feel productive. Plus I love yo do it!

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clatoera · 8 months

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Always Remember We're Burned for Better Chapter 18: Not My Homeland Anymore...So What Am I Defending?

Howdy guys! Here we are. Chapter 18. It's.. a big one. And important one. With the big declaration of loyalty from Cato and Clove, which everyone knew was coming. I got the 'vid while writing this so it took forever. I cannot believe we only have three more chapters after this. What a wild it has been.

Title from exile (t swift)

AO3

Masterpost

As always. Thank you to my besties. You are truly the reason I am capable of writing. @ohhowwehavefallen is my literal sounding board and helps me as my dictionary of panem. @kentwells listens to me whine daily, and @crookedlyniceperson I'm not sure what the meme content here is but...it's coming!

That being said..the things said here are not final.. They are SPECULATING. They don't know who's alive out there. Thats all i'm gonna say.

“Great job Clove, that's it baby.” Cato half hollers, half grins, giving her a reassuring pat on her hip before he crosses towards the front of the armory, to gather the precious five knives she had to throw. He recollects them from the outside in, each knife lodging closer and closer to the center of the target. “You’re getting better.”

“Not good enough.” Clove groans, rolling her right wrist out in the couple of seconds she has between rounds of tossing her knives. They had worked on this for weeks– maybe it was even close to a month, now– and while she was getting closer and closer to herself she still had what Cato would call limitations. She would call them failures, of course. Namely, being that she could only get about a dozen or so throws in before her shoulder and wrist began to feel that dull throb deep inside the joint spaces. “Enobaria would fucking kill me if she saw me now.”

“Enobaria isn’t my biggest fan, but I think she’d agree with me, Clove.” Cato raises an eyebrow at the girl, holding out one of the knives for her to take back. “I think she’d just be glad to see you alive.”

“Think she’s alive out there? Or Brutus?” Clove cocks her head, cracking her neck side to side before bringing the knife up past her shoulder. When she flicks her wrist and releases the blade, it lodges itself only a couple of inches left of the target. She slams her fist down in defeat, a dissatisfied whine escaping her. “If we were in the games i’d be fucking dead already.”

“I don’t know who’s alive. I don’t know what's left out there.” He admits to her, handing another knife out blade forward. “Good thing we aren’t in the games then, right? Just a war.”

She laughs, for about half a second, before she lodges another knife immediately to the right of her last. “For fucks sake!”

“That was technically closer than last time-” Cato is interrupted when the heavy metal doors to the armory swing upward, and the clicking shoes that echo towards them are revealed to belong to their very own ex-gamemaker, Plutarch Heavensbee.

“Cato..Clove.” The man greets, giving them each a very informal nod. “Theres are very own District Thirteen careers–”

“We aren’t from thirteen.” Clove snaps, but brings the knife in her hand to rest on her hip rather than throw it in front of him. Old Clove would have thrown knife after knife and hit the target time after time. Intimidation tactics and all that. Missing the center wasn’t going to impress anyone– it might even make her look like a target.

“What do you want, Plutarch?” Cato takes a step closer to Clove, draping his arm over her shoulders possessively– or maybe it’s protectively.

“If you two will follow me… it’s urgent.”

Cato and Clove shoot each other a look, but when Cato gives an imperceptible nod of the head, they take the steps forward to follow the leader together.

“A word of advice? Agree to this.” Is all Plutarch warns as they weave down hallways and descend to even deeper levels of the fortress that is District Thirteen.

They are eventually led to a room, filled with only three others. Katniss Everdeen, Haymitch Abernathy, and one Alma Coin.

“Please. Sit.” The president urges them first, nodding to two chairs across a broad board-room style table. There's something in the energy in the room that keeps them from putting up a fight or questioning it– a tension that they know better than to add to from years and years of academy training.

“I will make this short. District Two is the last of the districts aligned with the Capitol and Snow. As you two are well aware, it’s also the military center for the country. With Two on their side, the Capitol can continue this fight. That's where we are bringing you two in. Katniss here-” The gray haired woman gently gestures her left hand to her side, where Katniss sits nearly expressionless except for something frantic dancing behind her eyes. “Has assured of the loyalty you two have formed to our cause. We are sending you two to District Two, along with Katniss and the others. It is your responsibility to bring your home to the side of our cause.”

“District Two has long had loyalties to the Capitol. It’s what we’re raised on, I don’t know if they’ll listen to us.” Cato hesitates, leaning back in his chair and bringing his arms across his chest. “They probably see us as traitors.”

“Let me make something abundantly clear. This is a courtesy to your district. The numbers across the districts make me hesitate to outwardly destroy Two, in terms of population left to recover from the war. But we will not allow Two to stand between us and victory. If you cannot convince them, that is fine. We will handle this accordingly. And if the two of you show any sign of loyalty to them? The consequences will be dire.” President Coin pushes herself back from the chair and stands, straightening the front of her suit jacket.

“What if we don’t want-” Clove starts, but is very quickly shot a lot of fear from Katniss before one of utter disdain fills the gray eyes of Coin.

“This is not a request, Miss Kentwell. This is an order.” The clicking of her shoes echoes in the borderline empty room as she heads towards the door. “You leave in an hour.”

A guard follows her out, and as soon as the victors are left behind with Plutarch, Clove’s head whips around to face them. “Convince our district? They aren’t going to listen to us, they’ll think we’re just traitors!”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. There is some resistance in two, it’s there, but you two do have the power of being one of them.” Plutarch lowers himself to sit beside Cato, and he gestures between Cato and Clove. “The two of you are the best Two has to offer. And you have proven your district loyalty again and again. And now you can show that even the best of you, especially you, Clove, are not immune to the brutality of the Capitol and Snow. It’s a powerful testimony you can offer.”

“And what if they don’t like what I have to say?” Clove scoffs, rolling her eyes and leaning back in her chair next to Cato, mirroring the same irritated posture. “What am I supposed to do? Show them my x-rays.”

“Tell them what they did to you.” Haymitch suggests, chiming in and leaning towards them, adjusting the beanie on his head before he does so. “There's other victors out there in Two, You know that. You have family, you probably have friends…okay maybe no friends but I know that you have family, Cato.”

“What did she mean by the loyalty thing..does she think we're going to turn back to the Capitol after what they did to her?” Cato suggests, looking at Katniss for the answer, the tense history of her and Coin not quite a secret to him.

“If there is any…concern..that you two may still have loyalties to the Capitol, yes there will be consequences.” Plutarch interjects, but not before Katniss can take over.

“She’ll probably have you killed.” Katniss admits. “I wouldn't put anything past her these days.”

—

The ride to two is harrowing and silent. It takes a couple hours, maybe. Not that either can tell, not without windows to mark their journey. Not that either dares to speak, either.

They sit side by side, backs against a metal wall with legs touching in utter and complete silence.

Best not indicate sympathies and be shot before they even land.

–

The landing is aggressive and jarring, and would have knocked them to the ground had they not already been sitting. Still, it knocks Clove more harshly into him and she grabs at his thigh to brace herself with the rough landing.

“Are we ready for this?” Clove half whispers, tightening her grip on his thigh, not looking up so that her hair would shield them from their conversation being held.

“We have to be.” His hand found hers and squeezed, before the large door at the front of the craft began to open. They scramble to push themselves to a standing position, before guards with guns can assemble around Katniss and lead her out.

They follow last, hesitation flooding through them both as they stand at the top of the metal sloping door. Clove pauses first, Cato stiffening beside her as the undisguisable sound of bombing echoes through the hollow metal.

“Are you coming?” Someone calls up to them, and it doesn't matter who, because they take the steps down into the open town square of what was once their home.

The first look is shocking, to say the least.

There are no words to explain the feeling of seeing your home resolved to rubble.

There are no words for seeing the ashes of your childhood school, or the crater that now sits where the rest of the Justice Building once was, or the resounding sounds of more explosions off in the mountains.

There are no words for the horror that hits Cato and Clove in the very core of who they are.

“Cato, what’s happened to this place?” Clove whispers, squinting into the distance where she can see rising smoke along the entirety of the mountain range their houses and the various villages and mines once were. “What have they done–”

“There's no time to explain that right now” Haymitch interrupts, placing a hand on both of their shoulders. “We need to get inside”

They are numb, completely numb as they are led into the remnants of the justice building. T

They ascend the marble steps, slipping past the crumbling pillars and broken stairs, and Clove cannot help but remember the last time they had climbed these stairs, hand in hand, formally and officially married.

Cato tightens the grip on her arm, clearly thinking the exact same thing.

“We’re never even going to get to tell anyone.” Clove reminds him in a harsh whimper, once they are under the cover of the marble archway. “There's no one left.”

“We don’t know that..” But he cannot outright deny it.

When they hear a booming voice welcoming them to District Two, Clove sees red.

“Cato, Clove. Welcome home. You are a welcome addition to our cause.” Lyme, now ‘Commander’ Lyme calls out, a welcoming and nearly warm smile on her face. “I was shocked to hear of your shifted alliance, but we are nonetheless happy to have you.”

“Oh go to hell,” Clove hisses, and the arm that was around her arm slips around her waist as Cato instinctively knows to hold her back. “You sent us to die, you fucking cunt.” She struggles against Cato’s grip, but he does not let her go, he does let her fidget.

“Clove, You have to understand. I didn’t want to send you in, but I couldn’t go. I was part of something bigger, that you are now part of too, surely you understand–”

“They left her to die! Like hell do we understand! You sent us in there, willing to kill us both for this!” Cato agrees, but due to his struggling wife in his arms he cannot take a step towards the other ex victor, no matter how his anger may want him to.

“To die for this cause is a price we all must be willing to make-” Lyme insists, but her calm demeanor only serves to anger them more.

“Yeah. But YOU weren’t willing to be the one to do it. Sacrifice us! Because killing your young is how we survive, right? Isn’t that the point of the games!” Clove nearly screams, but Haymitch, once again playing peacekeeper, is stepping between them.

“This is not helping, and you know it, Clove.” He insists.

“Where is Enobaria! You wanted to preserve the other victors, where is she!” Clove growls, finally breaking free of Cato’s grasp, her long-earned resolve not breaking when she realizes just how much that hurt.

“Clove, I can’t tell you that information–”

“Where. Is. She? And Brutus! Are they alive where ARE they?” She insists, now the center of attention in the entire room, all eyes focused on the mad woman they plucked out of the Capitol.

“I can’t tell you those things.” Lyme doubles down, before turning away from them, now addressing a broader group around the table.

“Do you think they’re dead?” Cato wonders out loud, and Clove shakes her head rapidly. “No..no they can’t be dead.”

“We are thankful for your help here in Two. As you know, we have had quite the fight with the Capitol on our own. All of the villages on the north side of the mountain are destroyed, along with those on the south. All that remains on the west face is the peacekeeper barracks.” Lyme pulls up a holographic map of their home, complete with smoke billowing from the ashes of bodies and livelihoods. “We are what remains. The city to the east.”

“This is all that's left?” Clove looks to Cato, expression dropping as the reality of it all settles on her shoulders. “All the villages, the mines..”

“There's no way, that's most of the district” Cato denies but he finds himself glancing past the table, to the rising smoke on the side of the mountain.

“Cato, your parents live on the south face…” She narrows her eyes at the diagram, wondering if the small town at the base of the mountain had been spared in any way. “What about Cora and your mom and your dad and-” She makes no mention of her relatives, of her grandma in the south or her father and his new family to the north. They may as well have died to her years ago, God knows neither would stand beside her now.

They’re discussing the fate of family and villages, zoned out when they hear the absolutely insufferable voice of Gale Hawthorne, along with Beetee and Boggs offering some sort of plan to take the military stronghold inside the mountain. It would have been the hardest part, Clove or Cato could have told you that. If you didn’t win the games, that was the place to work.

Clove doesn’t pay him much mind, not that Gale ever says anything worth listening to, when she hears the word Avalanches.

“...Trap the Enemy inside..”

“...You risk suffocating everyone inside...”

“..Not if we blow it up..”

A refute from Katniss followed by “Killing isn’t personal”

The reality of the words falls heavily on the crowd, and the majority look to Lyme, their voice of reason and balance from two.

“They should have the chance to surrender.”

“You’ll kill everyone.” Clove asks, though it is more of an accusation than a question. “Just like that. Those are people in there, those are our people.” She glares something akin to the daggers she throws at Lyme, before she whips her head towards Gale. “You didn’t come here trying to spare numbers at all, did you.”

“No. I don’t care if a single one of you survives, frankly. Your people? Your people are the ones who burned my district to the ground.” Gale recalls, giving Clove and Cato a look that can only be described as disgust. “Every single person in Two is guilty as far as I’m concerned. Peacekeepers to Janitors, you’re all the same, in Snow’s pocket. You two can crawl in the mine too, we don’t need people like you in this war, either.”

If you ask Cato or Clove who move first, neither will know. It’s instinct, to flow in the same direction as one another, to feed off of the other like two heads on the same snake. All they know is that they went for the same target.

Cato reaches his first, his arm around his neck in half a second, hands on either side of his head poised to twist and dislocate it at any given moment. Clove’s got a knife, from god knows where, how she managed to sneak it on this mission no one knows, pressed to his abdomen.

“Go ahead. Say it again.” Cato urges, a sick laugh escaping him as he sees the guns trained on them. “You wanted an excuse to kill us anyway, do it. What's one more kill Gale, what did you say a few minutes ago? It isn’t personal, why don’t we remind you just how fucking personal it can be!”

“Let him go.” Katniss pleads, taking the step forward to put herself between the action and the guns aimed at them. “Let him go, they’re going to let people surrender.” She turns, now, to face Lyme, Boggs, and the others incharge of the operation. “You let people go. You let them surrender. We are not killing an entire district.. We aren’t Snow. We aren’t the Capitol.”

It is Beetee who, rolling forward with his hands up in cautious surrender. “We will leave the train tunnel open. Now. Let Mr. Hawthorne go..”

“No. He doesn’t deserve it. What did he say? Bring on the avalanches? Wanna know what it’s like to suffocate, Gale?” Clove sneers, tracing the blade of the knife over the plane of his cheek. If the way he was coughing was any indication, Cato was already making that a reality, with the way his upper arm twitched.

“We’re letting your people have a chance. Let him go, Cato. Clove.” Haymitch urges, his wide as his hands also come up to mirror Beetees. Something about that man, they feel the urge to trust. He nods to them, and Cato and Clove lock eyes. They let him go, and there's a chance they’ll be shot. They kill him, and they definitely will be. She gives a nod of her chin, one only Cato would pick up on, and they let him go.

As Gale falls to the ground, gasping for air, Cato and Clove are both grabbed by the arms and dragged from the room.

Clove does not give them the satisfaction of crying out.

And so here they sit.

Sit by side, on the marble staircase of what was once the entrance to the Justice Building. Sure, they are somewhat exposed. At this point..who’s wasting a bomb on them?

They watch, in mutual horror, as District 13 bomb after bomb absolutely annihilates the main mountain in the city. Clove swallows back the nausea she feels at the distant screams of fear, that are all suddenly cut off as the avalanche of the bomb cuts off their air.

Her head finds his shoulder, and it is the gentle rocking she feels that lets her know he is silently, wordlessly crying, too.

“Everyones dead, aren’t they?” Clove gets out, and the minute the word dead slips out her resolve crashes. “We have nothing to come home to, do we?”

“We aren’t even going to have a home to come back to, Clove.” From where they sit, they can see the remnants of what was once their home. The great training academy that was not only the foundation of their training, but the foundation of them was nothing more than its own marble steps and endless rocks.

“Do you think they killed everyone in there?” Clove gestures to their once home, which still seems to smoke.

“Probably.” Cato admits, resting his head on top of hers as yet another round of attacks aim at the mountain.

There was once a time in her life when Clove had slept best under a rainstorm in a room, hitting the windows above her bed. Now, as the bombs explode like thunder, Clove is sure she’ll never sleep through one again. Every strike of lighting will bring her back here. Watching her entire life burn to the ground.

“Enobaria…Brutus..Cora…your mom..dad…they’re probably gone, huh?” Clove says the silent fear out loud. They are all they have left.

He doesn’t verbally respond, instead reaching out and resting his arm over his shoulder, squeezing gently, careful not to hurt her.

“We were announced as victors. Right here. On these steps.” Clove points out, gently running her hands on the marble beneath her. “We got married here. All the pictures and the speeches.. And now we’re just..losing everything. Right here. On these same steps.” She strums her hand on his arm, squeezing gently. “Well. Not quite everything.”

They’re interrupted by soft steps behind them, and a gentle clearing of the throat.

“Hi, Katniss.” Cato sighs, turning to phase the symbol of freedom herself.

“I’m sorry. About your District.” Katniss tries, sitting on the marble steps besides them both. “I know it isn’t easy.”

“Thank you for keeping us alive back there. It’s no secret they want us dead.” Cato clears his throat looking out at the smoking remnants of his home. “We owe you for that.”

“We’re miners, too. In Twelve. You don’t… you don’t subject other miners to that kind of death. I’m sorry for what we did.”

“Thank you.” Clove finally agrees, for the first time actually acknowledging the good in Miss Katniss. “For saying that. And your friend, Katniss–” “I know, you don’t have to apologize, he was wrong–”

“I wasn’t going to apologize. He’s dangerous, Katniss. The way he thinks..he’s not that different from Snow.” Clove warns, when a voice calls out for Katniss to return. “Better fly back to the nest, Miss Mockingjay.”

“It’s for the surrender. They want you two there.” Katniss explains, giving them a pitiful glance. “I know. But they think it looks better to show you two are on our side.”

They do not fight, remembering the words and cautious glances of Haymitch Abernathy back in two.

When they are led to the mouth of the train, with Katniss ahead of them and cameras trained on her, Clove feels a pit in the depths of her stomach.

“Let us up there.” Clove half whispers half yells to Katniss. “We can help, more than you can. These are our people. Let us talk to them.”

Haymitch, who is to Katniss' left, gives a nod of approval. “Remember, you’re talking to everyone here.”

The camera woman, Cressida gives Katniss a hesitant nod, As Cato and Clove come to flank her sides.

Her mouth is dry as the train car opens, and people pile out with heavy district thirteen weapons aimed in their faces.

“They’re hurt…” Katniss whispers, and before she can rush forward Cato grabs her by the arm and holds her back.

“They’re angry, Katniss.” He warns, just as the lights of the cameras find their faces. Cato has never been the one with the words to persuade. He is a rallyer. The great golden boy of District Two, to talk about the glory of the games and winning. He can bring everyone to their feet in a cheer…but a call to surrender? That was never going to be Cato Hadley.

Clove, on the other hand. A girl who had spent her whole life justifying her strength, that girl, she was a manipulator.

“Do you remember us?” Clove starts, as Cressida gives her an approving nod. The light is blinding in the dark of the train tunnel, but she continues to focus in on the camera. “You have to. We’re the pride of this district, aren’t we, Cato and I? That's what you called us, anyway. Cato and Clove..the best victors this district had in a decade.” Haymitch steps out of the frame, so that it instead focuses on Cato, Clove, and Katniss. Twelve and Two, standing united.

“We’re the best.” Cato chimes in, giving a sure nod and that signature cocky grin. “We still are…but that didn’t matter to Snow, and to the Capitol.”

“We..are the best. We are the most loyal. We are perfect victors and it didn’t matter.” Clove continues, and for some reason she feels like she is talking to more than just the people of her home, now, with the way the Camera is focused in on her face. She is hesitant when she reaches for the buttons on the front of her District Thirteen jumpsuit. “I was perfect, and it didn’t protect me.” She pulls the neck of the jumpsuit down, revealing the continuous bruising along her collarbones that refuses to heal. “They beat me and they broke my ribs and my arms and they destroyed my body. They do not care about us. They don’t care about the victors, and they don’t care about any of you, either.”

“They’d kill us all, if they have to.” Cato agrees, giving a solid nod of her head. “They did this to her, because they thought I was involved in this war. And now we are. And we know this much. No victor, or family member, or district matters to them. We’re all expendable. And we aren’t willing to die for them, anymore. We offered to, once. We were willing to die for glory in the games..but we aren’t willing to die for them anymore.”

Clove redirects her attention directly to the crowd. She can see faces now, people she recognizes. People she knows.

The boy who Cato beat to go to the games, who had become a peacekeeper.

The Woman who worked with her grandmother, and came by every Tuesday to carpool with her.

One of their peers a few years younger than them, who never even made it to the top of their classes.

“None of us matter to Snow. Stop killing for him.” Katniss calls out, stepping forward from between them so she is more directly in the spotlight. “You hear them! They’re the best of what Two has to offer, right? We’re the same..more than you realize. District Twelve, and District Two.”

Cato pulls Clove back, out of the light, as soon as Katniss starts her speech.

In the same second a man steps forward and pulls the trigger of a gun directly into the chest of Katniss Everdeen.

What happened next is a blur.

Next thing they know, they are on a plane back to Thirteen, Katniss Everdeen fighting for her life at their side.

They, too, are sedated before they can ask too many questions.

–

“She’s alive, you know.” Clove kicks her feet off the side of the industrial metal kitchen counter, swinging her feet all to like a child waiting for a treat. “Cato went to see her earlier. She’s alive.”

“I didn’t ask, Clove.” Peeta Mellark chimes in, brows furrowing as he works a spatula to blend the teal and white icing, creating the illusion of wave caps cresting on an ocean. “What are you even doing here?”

“You care, loverboy.” She swipes her finger in the bowl, stealing the remnants of turquoise dye and buttercream frosting. ��I’m here because I haven’t seen you at all since we were rescued, and we’re now trauma bonded and all that, or whatever it is they tell Johanna in therapy.”

“I’m not loverboy, and I don’t care. She’s a monster.” He gently taps her hand with the bag of icing, but he does give her half of a smile, far less than the sunshine boy of the past but still something. “Stop sticking your fingers in there!”

“You’ll always be loverboy to us!” She taunts, but hops off the countertop anyway. “Yeah? People call me and Cato monsters too. Even monsters deserve love, Breadboy.” Clove gives the cake a once over, with an appreciative nod. “Are you going to come to the wedding?”

He gives a quick shake of the head. “I’m not cleared for that.”

–

It felt wrong, being at a wedding so close to the bombing and destruction of their home.

Still, Finnick and Annie were their friends. Even so..it wasn’t like they were likely to be invited to any other weddings in their lives.

Cato and Clove sit side by side in the very back, Clove fanning herself with the flimsy paper program that had been designed to look like the waves meeting the shore.

“This wedding is very…District Four.” Clove whispers to Cato, nodding her head towards the golden nets that are draped over the two of them. Finnick had likely made it by hand, considering tying knots had been his hobby and outlet in their long stay in thirteen. “Where did they find a bunch of kids who knew the wedding songs of that district?”

“They’re from twelve, I think.” Cato whispers back, draping his arm over her shoulder and pulling her closer, not entirely not so he could also get some of the air she was generating by fanning herself. “Annie organized the rehearsals.”

“Is that Effie Trinket?” Clove gestures towards the front, where the escort has somehow donned a large wig and a shimmering pink dress. “Why the fuck does she look so ridiculous?” “I think Katniss brought dresses back from twelve or something, that's where Annie’s is from.” Cato points out the ocean green dress the bride wears, so unlike the traditional white of the Capitol and upper districts. “Maybe that's it?”

“Will you two stop talking?” A teasing voice comes from directly in front of them, as Marvel turns around to face them. “It’s a wedding not a social hour.”

“You’re just jealous because Katniss didn’t get you a pretty dress.” Cato mocks, but does shush for the rest of the ceremony.

It really is lovely, all things considered, working with what they have in Thirteen.

The reception is as close to a party as possible down here under the ground, especially considering the prohibition.

“Does it feel wrong to anyone else, that we’re having a party as the world is ending.” Marvel asks, leaning against the wall with the other victors. Cato holds Clove in front of him, with Johanna Mason on the side opposite of Marvel.

“May as well go out with a bang.” Johanna shrugs, opening her arms with a dramatic laugh as Katniss cautiously approaches them. “Speaking of going out with a bang, there she is, a shooting survivor. You’re like a cockroach, they really just cannot kill you!”

“And considering every single one of you have tried...” Katniss nearly teases, coming to rest her back on the wall alongside Johanna.

“I'm happy for them.” Katniss announces, giving a little nod. “They deserve it.”

“Jealous?” Clove taunts, but nudges her gently with her foot. “Loverboy is going to come around. They can’t break us all forever!”

“Why didn’t you bring me a pretty dress?” Johanna teases, gesturing towards Annie and Effie. “Maybe I wanted to be a pretty pretty princess.”

“Glimmer got the one you liked anyway. The blue one I wore in two?” Katniss points out, and as if on cue, the back doors open and in slips the girl of the hour.

“God damn.” Johanna whispers, when the blonde girl enters in all her glory. The blue velvet falls to her feel like a river, those gorgeous bombshell curls framing her face and rolling down her shoulders like the star she is. At about her knees the dress turns from velvet to sapphire colored glitter, that catches the light as she walks heel before heel, all eyes in the room unable to look anywhere but her. There isn’t much makeup or jewelry here, but she’s never needed it. She shines regardless. “The capitol sure did some fucked up things to her but if they did anything right, it sure is market how gorgeous she is.”

Noone pays any attention to Marvel, who’s tightened his jaw beside Cato and Clove, his entire body language stiffened at the attention of glimmer.

She reaches them very quickly, and the joy on her face is contagious. “Thank you so much, Katniss, for letting me borrow this. The alterations aren’t permanent, I just pinned it!”

“It looks like it was made for you,” Katniss admits when she catches her sister’s shining eyes from across the room. She would go to her soon, but for now she would play nice with her fellow victors.

“I didn’t really want to come.” Glimmer admits tucking herself in beside Cato and Johanna, opposite and far from Marvel. “It’s hard to see these things knowing you’ll never do them but.. Finnick and I have been through a lot together. I’m happy to see him so happy. He deserves it. One of us should have it!”

“Come on, Miss Panem, let's try some of that cake. You could use it.” Johanna playfully raises her eyebrows, before linking her arm through Glimmer’s and practically leading her away. Clove notices the pins on the back of the dress, holding the fabric close to her skin. She must be terribly small, for a dress that was designed for Katniss not to fit her.

“She’s a fucking beauty queen.” Clove agrees, unable to wipe the smile off her face at the way she simply glows in the expensive fabric.

“Yeah…she is.” Marvel clears his throat, and pushes himself off the wall. “I need to–”

Clove leans into Cato’s arms as she watches Marvel walk off after Glimmer, Cato pulling her attention before she can watch him reach her.

“See, Katniss? We’re all starting to heal. Peeta will be soon.” Clove promises, noting the longing look the Mockingjay tries to hide.

Katniss nods, but changes the subject abruptly before she could dare show emotion. “I’m going to see my little sister, I think.”

Cato shuffles, twisting Clove in his arms to face him.

“What do you say, we go to intercept that cake before Johanna and Marvel have to fight over Glimmer.” He teases, and gently nudges her in the direction of Peeta’s great confection.

Clove wordlessly agrees, walking hand in hand with her husband over to the sliced cake displayed on the table. Most of the guests are busy dancing to some folk-esk music, save for Annie and Finnick who had already had their first slice, and so it was Cato and Clove home free with the cake.

They stand in the corner, one plate and two forks between them, laughing as Cato nearly misses Clove’s mouth as he tries to feed her a bite of the cake.

“You usually have better aim than that.” Clove taunts, swiping a bit of the turquoise frosting on his nose.

“I could say the same for you.” He catches her wrist in his free hand, and instead licks the icing right off her pointer finger. “You know I would have gone for chocolate cake, but beggars can’t be choosers.” Cato grabs her by the face and pulls her in for a kiss, the grainy taste of buttercream lingering on their lips.

“You know, Clove, I would have thought you and I would have done this when we got home. The whole big party..”

“You’re the one who said it, Cato. There won’t be a home for us to go back to.”

#arwbfb tag #the hunger games #clato #cato and clove #clato fanfic #clove kentwell #clove #cato hadley #thg fanfic #thg fanfiction #thg #johanna mason #glimmer and marvel #peeeta apears #katniss appears #etc etc #love y'all

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possumcollege · 1 year

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Y'all, I feel like all the love for Mikey and Nicky really glosses over the part where Nick takes Mikey to his girlfriend's place, has sex with her on the floor against her wishes while Mikey waits awkwardly in the kitchen like 10ft away, then offers her to Mikey like she's a drag off his cigarette and when she rejects him, Mikey fucking strikes her. Fucking nuts if that ain't a dark turn.

The earlier scene where Mikey blows up over the cream at the diner felt like an act of desperation to care for his friend. It's aggressive and dramatic, but the scene with Nick's girlfriend is disturbing. Mikey is led into a scene that none of us can unsee and he knows it. The scene feels like Nick saying "I need you to want what I have for once, and then feel bad for wanting it." It shows us how irreparably broken and toxic this relationship is.

From then on, the movie is so much less, "find ya a buddy who'll fight you like a puppy for your own good" and more about how this mode of fraternal loyalty has brought them into this escalating doom spiral where Nick, jealous of his best friend, sets him up to be shamed, tested and put in very real danger while still depending on him for his literal survival. Mikey is pulled deeper and deeper into Nick's narcissistic self-destruction and it's almost certainly been the arc of their entire relationship.

Neither of these characters are "good" people, but we see the way Nick gets into Mikey's head. Mikey starts to become more hostile with his wife after Nick's jabs leave him feeling like she doesn't see him as clearly as Nick does and that was done on purpose. Nick needs to be the most important person in every interaction. He needs attention, power, validation, comfort, and protection, and he needs to constantly test the limits and devotion of the people around him.

In the end, Mikey is pushed into the understanding that the only way to retain his own identity in the face of Nick's increasingly unstable behavior is to be rid of him. In that moment of breaking free, we see Nick play every emotional card, love, pity, rage, resentment, in an attempt to hold on to what he has even if it threatens to pull everyone he loves down with him.

I've seen the film described as an exploration of friendship and betrayal or self-preservation vs loyalty, but no amount of love, support or sacrifice will change or help Nick. Nick has many opportunities to escape, but he needs the people in his life to prove to himself that he is real. He clings to Mikey like a security blanket. He degrades and humiliates his girlfriend who for whatever reason hasn't turned him in. He can't stop calling his wife just to torment and emotionally blackmail her. He keeps returning to places he knows aren't safe to solicit comfort and validation.

Mikey's commitment to his friend consumes and compromises him. There is real love between them but Nick cannot conceptualize other people existing independently of him. Mikey is willing to put himself at risk to give his friend the slightest chance of escape and Nick repays that by playing shit-magnet on Mikey's actual front porch.

Nick's last words may as well be, "I can't live with myself, so watch me die and know it's your fault." Nick sucks.

Before I actually watched this movie, I kept getting the impression that people saw something sweet and *maybe* a little queer in the relationship between Mikey and Nick. Now, honestly the queer angle is neither here nor there for me on top of what feels like romanticizing a toxic and abusive relationship through omission. The memes and gif-sets can't convey Nick treading on Mikey's Jewish values or undermining his other relationships.

I see the appeal from arms length. Nick is impulsive and intense. Mikey is fiercely loyal and sweet. They have a series of little adventures and from a distance, it's a damn near love story but any closer, it's clear this is a tragedy. The only way for Mikey to live his own life is to let go and let his best friend burn out alone.

(edited 12/1/22, after it was noted that it sounded like I was calling the potentially queer angle toxic. Not the case. Maybe if they'd just made out when they were younger this might have gone differently)

#mikey and nicky #peter falk #john cassavetes #narcissism

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oneiromania · 6 months

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Welcome to oneiromania's RP blog!

♥ ABOUT ME ♥

Hi, call me Nei! I'm a 21 year old female student with just a little over a year of RP experience, though I've been writing for a lot longer than that. Ever since I got into the RP scene, I've been itching to write with others and finally let some of that brainrot escape it's fleshy prison. I try my best to be friendly and understanding, and I don't want or plan to get into any internet (and especially Tumblr) drama. I just wanna write!

I like to chat OOC when I vibe with my RP partners, and I'm prone to gushing about the characters, sending songs and playlists relevant to the RP, making Pinterest boards, sharing memes, and so on! I'd appreciate it if my partner shared the enthusiasm, but I get that that just isn't for everyone, and as long as the RP is fun and consistent, and my partner is respectful and understanding, I don't mind a more chill OOC experience.

♠ RULES ♠

Standard DNI criteria. MAPs, TERFs, racists, and other assholes, get the fuck off my blog.

You must be 18+. As I am an adult myself, I don't feel comfortable writing with minors regardless of the contents of the RP. I also prefer to write with people no older than 30.

I mainly write over Discord. I say mainly because I haven't yet decided if I'm going to make RP sideblogs for specific characters! I'll update this post if I do, but generally I don't RP outside of Discord. Additionally, I like making a private server for easier organization, and I like using Tupperbox. If you don't know what that is or how to use it, I'd be more than happy to teach you! But Tupperbox is not a must.

NO REALISTIC FCs. This might seem like a strange rule, but I simply cannot do RP when the faceclaim is a real person. This goes not only for actors, singers, and other celebrities, but really any photos of real people. You can use picrew or neka, or your own art, or even art you found on the internet. (I'm cool with using photos of real life outfits and stuff for reference, though!)

I write fandomless OC x OC, and sometimes CC x CC. I'll list my fandoms later, but generally speaking, I'm currently comfortable writing only a few canon characters.

My preferred ships are MxM and FxF, and I can also do ships with NB and genderfluid characters. I can do MxF as well, but I vastly prefer queer relationships, and I'll only do MxF if I really feel like it fits the RP. I hope you'll understand! Also: ships don't have to be romantic, I enjoy platonic and familial relationships as well, including friends, found family, and even enemies.

I write third person past and present, and I don't accept RP written in first person.

I can write anywhere from semi-lit/literate to novella. It depends on my mood and what the scene requires. Currently, I'm very busy, so I can only do shorter replies – around 2-3 short paragraphs, and likely not super detailed. Please just use good grammar.

Currently, I DON'T do NSFW. I'm comfortable with flirting and intimacy, but I prefer fading to black when it comes to sex scenes. It kind of depends on the RP and my partner if I'm willing to do more, because I need to feel comfy with writing it first!

I don't double. I know doubling means different things for different people, but however you define it, I don't do it.

My activity varies, as I am in college so sometimes life gets stressful or I get busy. I'll likely do at least 2-3 replies a week, though. At least one reply a week is what I ask from my partner.

Limits and triggers will be discussed before the RP.

Work with me when plotting! I CANNOT plot alone or figure out characters alone, if you're going into this with no plot or character ideas whatsoever, we're gonna have a difficult time figuring out what to write.

♦ WHAT DO I WRITE? ♦

I do both angst and fluff.

I like a lot of genres and settings! I have some plots in mind but I'd love to hear what you have to offer! The genres include: fantasy (high, medieval, victorian...), victorian settings, modern, sci-fi, supernatural, horror/thriller, futuristic, slice of life, and more.

I'm open to dark subject matter/whump. Since I enjoy horror, I also enjoy dark and gritty themes, as well as things that might be upsetting to explore. So long as we're both being mature about it, there shouldn't be a problem. This will, of course, be discussed in detail before we start writing.

I'm prone to making OCs on the fly or repurposing existing OCs, so even if I don't have an OC for our specific RP, I can make one in a matter of several days.

I reblog RP prompts and plots and make my own posts when I have an idea for a plot, so check out the rest of my blog and see if you like anything!

♣ FANDOMS ♣

This is a list of fandoms that I'm into! This doesn't necessarily mean I will RP characters from this fandom, instead, I'm listing them in case you're interested in RPing in the same or similar universe! I don't do CCxOC, but I do enjoy putting OCs in an existing fandom's universe, or making a world similar to that of the fandom. I also just get inspired by these fandoms, so if you look at any of these and think, "I'd love to do something inspired by this!", I think we can make some fun plots!

Fandoms which are bolded are those which I have CC characters I can RP, and I will write the characters I RP next to them

In no particular order:

Alice in Wonderland (the book, the sequel, the animated movie, Alice: Madness Returns)

Demon Slayer

Jujutsu Kaisen

Bungou Stray Dogs (have read the manga up until chapter 88) → can try my hand at a couple of characters!

Fate/Grand Order → Merlin (Caster), Jeanne d'Arc (Alter), Gudao/Gudako, probably more

Hades → Zagreus, Thanatos

Detroit: Become Human

Deep Sea Prisoner games (Mogeko Castle, Wadanohara, Gray Garden)

A Night In The Woods

Bloodborne

Soul Eater (anime)

Puella Magi Madoka Magica

Arknights (not super confident writing canon characters right now, but I'd love to use the setting)

Spirited Away

Spy x Family

RPGs (Mad Father, Witch's House, Pocket Mirror, Ib, Alice Mare, LiEat I, II and III)

Honkai: Star Rail

Noragami

Death Parade

Black Butler

Tokyo Ghoul

SCP foundation

Corpse Party

Little Nightmares (1 and 2)

and more, probably!

~LINKS~

A link to the overview of my current OCs! There's a short description for each of them, and a few of them have full docs ready, while for the rest, I can explain a bit more about them if you're interested in writing with any of them.

For my plot ideas, search the tag #nei's evil thoughts!

For my writing samples, search the tag #nei's evil scriptures!

I hope to find some more RP partners on here and write some incredible stories! If you'd like to discuss RP, please reach out to me via DMs and I will send you my Discord handle! Happy writing everyone!

#roleplay #rp #role play #rp finder #roleplay finder #rp partner #roleplay partner #nei's evil thoughts #nei's evil scriptures #[ rat bastard. ]#[ poisoned youth. ]#[ shattered doll. ]#[ apple of discord. ]#[ bloodied teeth. ]#[ fire in the blood. ]#[ crimson witch. ]#[ winter monarch. ]#[ golden fang. ]#[ ??? ]

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