#i literally dont even know anymore but rn im only fucking women

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas!!

im gonna rant at you for a bit if you dont mind :)

Im a minor that lives in a super tight night, close minded community. Super religious, super homophobic transphobic ect. Seeing as im a teenage girl whose questioning their gender and is definitely attracted to women thats kinda problematic lols. Honestly idek how to explain the situation without a bunch of details, but basically, theres a fifty-fifty chance of me being sent to conversion therapy or just cut off from any internet access (and i mean ANY. i have a flip phone for fucks sake.)if my fam finds out im queer, i have no support system outside of some internet friends who know nothing about my situation, and within the next few years(so like once i turn 20ish, thats in like 4 years but whatever) my family is going to expect me to get married to a man and start popping out babies asap. Btw thats whats expected of me in this community, marriage under the age of 25, have like as many kids as physically possible and god forbid higher education. And im not okay with that . Ffs i want to go to college, major in fine arts, meet a person i like and fall desperately in love or maybe not just have a bunch of close platonic relationships i want cats and a dog and a cute studio in a big city where i can dye my hair whatever color i want aand get an obsene amount of piercings, i want to wear pants!! I just want to live. Without expectations or limits or people who love me hating everything they dont know about me. Is that truly so much to ask for?

And im incredibly dramatic cuz i literally have the dream life. My family loves me, my parents are upper middle class, theyve never hurt me before(besides for all the anti everything rants haha) i literally have a full sized bed, which for some reason i see as the peak of being spoiled idk why. I go to school, not even public, a private religious school that prob costs thousands of dollars, i have friends(who are all part of this community btw and id bet my entire savings that most of them think gay is only a word that ppl use to mean happy lol) close ones even!! I have adorable neices and nephews(my 3 sisters all were married by the age of 20, so i have 11 niecesand nephews while my oldest sister is 31) im living the dream life. But i hate it and i have no way out. No hope of college to get on my feet and find someway out, no people that'll help me fucking run away or some bullshit like that, hell ive considered it and then felt like shit, cuz what am i even running from? Im probably attracted to men it wont kill me to marry one. And i like kids, i wouldnt mind having any either. But.... i dont want to be trapped anymore. Cuz ill be honest thats what i am.if some one asked me to run away with them rn i would, no hesitation.

God im a mess😭😭 anyway this was me ranting in my notes app, im just apologizing for dumping this on a complete stranger(we're moots actually!!) albeit a very kind one :) i dont know what im looking for, but ill take whatever your comfortable giving ig.

I love and appreciate you<333

And hey this has been oddly cathartic so lmk if its okay for me to do this again sometime :))

"im living the dream life. But i hate it and i have no way out."

Hon, you're not living the dream life...there's a difference between financial privilege and being happy, you know? It's pretty clear that this isn't what you want.

I'm not sure if you're asking for my advice here, or if you just want to vent. But I care about you, and if you want me to research some things to try to help you, I'm more than willing to (that way it's not on your search history.) Just say the word!

Until then, you are ALWAYS allowed to vent to me.

I'm naming you venting anon in case you write again!

[sutherkins]

living on the same floor as peter and always brushing past him in the hallway…one day ur doing laundry and only ur sexy lingerie that you literally never get to wear is clean and you walk past him and hes holding his own clean laundry walking back to his apartment. when ur cleaning ur like oh damn i need to wash the clothes im wearing and ur like well fuck ill have to be half naked if i wash them rn but u dont want to make another trip so you lock the door to the room and strip until ur just in the lingerie and ur playing games on ur phone while ur laundry is going but at some point theres a knock on the door and you jump and your phone falls on the ground. you realize when you go to pick it up that you’re literally in your underwear and have nothing to cover yourself with. you rush to the door making sure it stays locked and ask who it is. “uh, peter from four two three”. ur like “oh christ” because its the hot guy who lives a couple doors down from you that you always walk past in the hall and your forehead leans forward to hit the door because of course out of everyone it could be outside the door it just had to be him. peters like “are you okay?” and ur like “well to be completely honest im only in my underwear and my laundry still isnt done and i literally have nothing to cover myself with”. peter laughs and ur like “its not funny you jackass!” but peter tells you he isnt laughing at you. hes laughing because he was just doing laundry and he thinks he left something in the dryer. you’re a little 🤔 cause why does that matter? you even ask him so. he tells you “well, i was coming to get it but seeing as how you clearly need it more you can borrow it until your laundry is done”. u ask him what it is and its just a pair of sweats but ur like its better than nothing so u ask him if hes sure its okay for you to borrow them and hes like of course its okay im the one who offered. so u put em on and they feel so warm from just being in the dryer and ur like “these are awesome!” because “are mens sweatpants made differently? these are so much more comfortable than mine.” peter starts to laugh and immediately stops when you abruptly unlock and open the door and he almost falls on you but catches himself on the doorway and for a moment he was basically face to face with ur chest in the sexiest bra u own and whipped his body back up so fast because oh my god its the pretty girl from down the hall and you’re literally wearing his clothes and a red lacey bra and he’s suddenly wondering of the bottom half matches the top. ur looking at him like you know he looked at your chest and its because you do. most guys do it and have been for years so it doesnt surprise you anymore. what does surprise you is how nervous he looks. you may have a big chest but you’ve never thought you were intimidating, let alone pretty enough for anyone to be nervous around you. now You get nervous and cross your arms to cover yourself.

“thanks for letting me borrow these. i promise i’ll wash and return them.”

“don’t worry about it” he thinks about telling you that you can keep them but worries thats too weird to say since neither of you have really ever talked so instead he asks if you wanna borrow his sweatshirt just in case others end up showing up in the laundry room. as nervous as you are about wearing even more of his clothes you’d rather be nervous about that than having others in your building see you in just sweats a a bra, especially the one you were wearing. so you agree and while hes taking it off the shirt hes wearing underneath rides up a bit and you see some skin 👀 no ones ever been this nice to you especially someone this attractive and you’re actually really grateful to put on the sweatshirt and be fully covered again. when its on you repeat what you said earlier about mens clothes being more comfortable than womens and that even your comfiest sweatshirts arent as nice as his. peter blushes from your words and also from seeing you head to toe in his clothes. you’re still marveling at how much better it feels and peter just smiles sooo wide. “thanks for this, peter. im sure this isnt how you planned your trip to the laundry room going but i appreciate it anyways” peter tells you its really no problem and that hes happy to help. he ends up leaving to go back to his place while you stay and wait for your laundry (you don’t need to stay, but its a nice excuse to get out of your apartment for a little bit). when you’re done you dont take off peters clothes and load your basket with your now clean clothes and make your way back to your floor. when youre walking down the hall to your door, peter just comes out of his place in his work attire, a black suit, and your heart starts racing because he looks so so good and you’re still wearing the clothes he let you borrow even though you’re carrying a basket full of clean clothes that actually belong to you. you smile and tell him you’ll return his clothes tomorrow. he smirks but like the happy smiley kind because shes still wearing my clothes!!! and says “see ya tomorrow.”

[deadass-pool]

october 31, 2022 - halloween pms

oh boy oh boy DO I HAVE A STORY TO TELL

so in the past 3 months, i got a job, met new people, life kinda sucks, i met a boy, i also met another boy, i met more boys, went to a kpop music festival, met another boy, jesus fucking christ, please check in on my temper because my patience was tested.

aside from the clients that i have to deal with during my work hours in the morning hours to afternoon, i was also dealing with MEN and i dont know!!!! i havent been screwing around the dating scene in so long because i was so invested in other things such as being delusional with my celebrity crushes and college was sucking the life out of me but jesus christ, i kinda wished it stayed that way because now i got money problems (its a me problem) and boy problems (that i have to get rid ASAP)

anyways, i’m not gonna write about the 10 guys i talked to simultatnoeusly at once, the another 5 men whom all i met through stupid online dating apps, WHAT im gonna tell you is that i ended up forming a whatever situationship with a guy that i used to go to the same elementary school with. WHICH WAS WEIRD BECAUSE I KNEW HIM SINCE FOREVER LIKE IN 1ST GRADE IMAGINE HAVING HIM SEE YOUR TIDDIES NOW AT AGE 22 LIKE, THATS SO WEIRD WHO FUCKING KNEW RIGHT 

anyways, yeah based on the last paragraph that i have written, if it isn’t obvious enough for you, yes it was very sexual (and very confusing at times) and ITS SOMETIMES WEIRD because i cant stop picturing him as some random 6th grader that i walk past by numerous times when i was in 5th grade and idk idk its so fucking crazy like, THATS CRAZY RIGHT?? WHO KNEW LMFAO

anyways yea we would call each other at night, it was nothing serious, obviously. out of everyone he was my favorite since there was a common ground and experience we share so i felt more comfortable with him than the rest of the guys that i talked to. so i trusted him enough with photos that i took and hes literally the only guy i ever sent those photos to (and hes gonna get beat up by me if anything happens GOD FORBID ANYTHING HAPPENS) 

he would send good morning texts bla bla bla, it was a one month short lived experience until i decided to just be distant or whatever because hes literally any other guys. god, we were evn supposed to go on a date but it didnt happen. the point is, just because you knew him since forever does not mean he’s going to be different. i have met way too many of the same people like him, AND LIKE ME, to keep my guard up anyway.

anyways, the point is i can feel the void in me getting alot more worse. the more i entertain these men, even women (i cant for the life of god play with women even when im attracted to them i just CANT) the more i feel like this is all i ever am worth of.

i always dreamed about being cherished, being taken care of, being seen, being listened to, and just being loved and that’s because of the numerous love songs that i heard, movies that i watched and books i read, but why does it feel like i will never be worth of any of those things?

i think the dating scene of today made it worse. i think that’s why i can’t keep on settling for stuff like this anymore. i am not embarrassed to admit that i believe that i deserve being treated with respect and live the fluffy romantic corny shit you see in dramas. i truly want that lol

i just feel like i wasted so much time on spending to get to know these people, even when im not looking for anything serious, time is still a cost to even acknowledge their existence. i just feel like absolute shit over it.

idk maybe im just pmsing and its a halloween and i literally have nothing much better to do (i am literally supposed to go on errands but i ended up crying over the remaining balance in my bank account) but idk idk

and also i cut off my ties with this guy, not fully, just distanced myself. if he tries to reach out, then i’ll let him in. there’s nothing going on anyway and he’s a manwhore lol. idk im just upset over everything rn idk why im typing this maybe its because its eating me alive. did u guys know that i used to have such a huuuuuge crush on him until he went for the sexual part in our relationship or whatever we have and now i could not respect him at all lmfao

anyways, thats it ill tell more on the careeer part soon, im working on something. see if this one works out. we’ll see.

[emmyrosee]

Thinking a lot about enemies! to best friends! to lovers! with Terushima rn. Just imagine, you’ve known him since you were in elementary school (you were rivals then and it was always over who was king of the playground). When you both graduated and got into college you meet each other again and despite the fact that the rivalry you once had with him is still there it’s now turned a lot more playful and you’re slowly starting realize how much the years of volleyball has done for him. Also how he’s not actually that bad of a guy and maybe you could give him a chance at friendship because let’s face it, he’s probably much more popular with the women (and others heh) now that he’s in college and to imagine being anything more with him stings a little bit because you know he probably doesn’t want anything more that just a fun night. (Turns out you’re wrong and he’s been pining after you since middle school) -pip anon I ALWAYS MAKE MY REQUESTS SO FUCKING LONG IM SO SORRY EMS. Pls accept a smooch from me because I feel bad. (also, If I find out you’re overworking yourself doing requests I am going to come and kick your ass)

IM LITERALLY-

Babes. Bae. Go with me here. Because you’re sO RIGHT-

There’s Terushima, on the lil playground, stealing your cookies and chasing you with boogers to make you back down because he’s the man of this playground mate, and he does NOT like you comin’ around to take that title, despite the fact that you do, relentlessly.

The amount of times you’ve gotten sent to detention or the principals office for being so malicious to each other, it’s carried all through your school years together, even up to the years where you don’t even have playgrounds anymore, but you both are still so desperate for that grip of power and despise the other person for daring to try and take it from you.

But then he just… stops. It’s a slow change, sure, but surely, the stupid brunette you chased with bugs on the playground turns into a hotheaded blonde, with his nose upturned as he flirts with anyone who would let him, his tongue piercing flittering through the tangle of words. He starts playing volleyball and hanging out with the jocks, he’s seen constantly in their group, and then when Kazuma starts coming around, you finally stop trying to get his attention because so many other people have it.

He doesn’t have time for you anymore.

Raspberries blown at each other turn into subtle nods until they’re barely even that. Getting paired up in class means one person does the entire project, so there’s no awkward positions. Graduation is… normal. It’s bittersweet, and you want to extend your thoughts to the Yuuji you’d once known, but you dont get the chance because he’s off with volleyball friends.

And thus ends the tale.

…until your college roommate starts drowning on, and on, and fucking on about this guy they’re seeing, head over heels obsessed with his dick, his presence, how fun he is, and finally you’re like “oh my god, shut up.”

Then, they smirk, “he’s got a cute friiiieeend,” they sing, and you roll your eyes. And it takes them a minute to beg, but you finally agree to meet Mr Perfect and his cute friiiieeend.

So, imagine your absolute shock when, in the flesh, stands the one and only Terushima Yuuji, next to the guy your roommate had recently been enamored with, his jaw slacked to match yours, his piercing glimmering slightly.

And he looks… good. He looks so good, dear god he looks so good, why the fuck must he look so good, and you find yourself trying to look anywhere but up at him for fear of even more awkward interactions or staring. He’s bulkier now than he’s ever been, his hair longer and floppier than back then, but he’s still the Yuuji you’ve known forever- so why does seeing him look so good make you so uncomfortable?

It only brings you comfort to know that he, too, is trying so hard not to stare at you, but otherwise, it’s like someone died and you’re trying hard not to talk about them.

“You’ve..” he suddenly says, offering you one of his rare, more shy smile. “How… how have you been?”

“Good,” you admit, shrugging while your roommate and his friend go off. Then, you smirk happily at him, “better now that I don’t have to deal with your ass hogging the sandbox.”

“Oh har-har,” he shorts, nudging you with his elbow. “That sandbox was my territory and you know it.”

And from there it’s just… it’s so nice. He tells you about what drove him into volleyball, how he learned to be humbled by people he cared most about- not by those who shoved him off the top of the monkey bars- and how he’s doing great. He’s got his golden eyes fixated on you and you alone, and it makes it incredibly hard to tell him of your own successes under such a gaze.

He listens to you like you speak law, eyes only a little lidded and smile only a little more dopey than normal, they glaze over your frame possessively and it makes your chest brush in heat.

“Hey it’s a little stuffy in here,” he says as the music starts to get louder, after talking for god knows how long. More people have come, but you’ve been far too focused on him to even notice. “Do you wanna like… walk to the convenient store with me?”

And of course you nod. Why would you not? He’s nice enough, you’re both adults, you know that you can hang out without too much of a second thought- really you’re the only one who’s thinking anything of it, you assume- so, with your judgement laid out on the floor and a sure-fire plan to go to the convenience store in effect, you let him take you to the drug store, and sure, you let him pay for your snacks, and when he suggests you two walk around for a bit more before getting back to socializing at the party, you let him.

And it’s the worst mistake you’ve made since agreeing to meet your roommates’ hookup’s wingwan.

It’s wet, it’s stopped raining hours ago, and it smells warm and sweet, and your shoes squeak against the pavement while you both walk beside each other. You nudge him softly with your shoulder, and he snorts and does it back, and it’s like the same playfulness you had from childhood is back in the best way possible.

“I’m going to do something dumb,” he says suddenly, biting his lip in a dramatic, flirty way, and you chuckle and pop another corn chip in your mouth.

“Most things you do are,” you hum nonchalantly, swallowing the chip and grinning up at him.

His eyes glaze up and down your frame in mock-offense before quickly catching your waist around his arm, and planting a kiss to your lips, and the arm holding your snack slacks and you drop the entire bag.

And the kiss is just… magnificent. It’s marvelous, it’s everything you wish it could’ve been and even more. It’s juvenile and silly, but it melts your heart like chocolate and it feels like all will be fine.

Too fine.

Far too fine.

When you two part, your hand comes up to cover your mouth in shock, and eagerly, he leans forwards to swallow your gasps in a kiss once more, assuming your surprise was also laced with approval, but this time you, duck away with tears glimmering in your eyes.

You don’t want to kiss him.

You never wanted to kiss him before.

And now, after years of being distant, he suddenly wants to make a move?

No wonder he’s been so sweet.

He wants something physical.

You refuse to give him that.

He ruined everything you’ve ever wanted from him, with just one kiss.

He didn’t want you like you’d always dreamed of being wanted.

You feel gross, and you stare up at him in betrayal, confusion dancing in his golden pools.

“I… I’m sorry Yuuji,” you whimper, hand still not moving from its cover of your lips. “I… I-I can’t give you what you want from me.”

With that, you drop the bag from the drugstore and leave hastily, leaving him watching without absolute sadness in his aching gaze. He drops his own bag onto the wet pavement, and he wipes his nose in an attempt to ward off the tears that start to brew in his golden eyes, merely watching you walk away.

You’re such an idiot. He can’t stand how dumb you are, from back then, to now.

Because all Yuuji’s ever wanted from you, from the first day you shoved him off the top of that damned slide, was a chance.

And he couldn’t even convince you to give him that.

[pinkpicket]

How is namjoon doing?

Be ready for typos and shitty grammer bc im to impulsive to review shit ( adhd mind😭😭)

Okay hi before we start this reading i wanna clarify a few things:

This reading is about namjoon from bts

Im not a bts stan ( not anymore, the reason? Nothing specific im just older now and i dont see a point in stanning any celebrity)

Im doing this reading bc i stumbled upon a tiktok randomly a couple hours of namjoon and it genuinely made me so worried bc somethiing was sooo off, so im curious and i wanna see what's going on

Idk anything else beside this about this whole situation sooo... im gonna be %100 honest here bc I literally have no reason to not be plus i have no bias at all soo... imma be honest af.

Okayy so onto the reading ->

I asked a general question on whats going on with him right now and tbh things don't seem so bad? Like it's just mostly him working and being busy with so many things like basically overwhelmed by the amount of things he has to do (now this is interesting bc isn't bts on a hiatus rn??? Why does he seem so busy? This can be his own album maybe? Or personal things too tbh not just work), tbh it's more like " i have the potential to do all of this yet im not really doing shit so i feel so overweight" or at least that's how he feels bc what im seeing is kinda different from what he sees quite the contrary actually like he seems to be slowly and surely working on his projects and things, the only problem i see here is his how he views this when in actuality everything is actually pretty balanced but to him it's all mushed up together, almost like everything is blurred out from his pov.

His biggest problem has to be not being able to focus and he REALLY hates this ( no surprise considering just from this reading he seems like a VERY hardworking person) it's like he heels all the things he has mastered all over the years are just leaving. The cup that he has been filling up for years and years now is getting empty all over again. This makes him feel like his young self all over again and he doesn't like it one bit, tbh it sort of seems like ( unresolved) trauma from the past are taking a toll on him, like they're hunting him down. Im telling u this all is happening inside his mind, on outside everything seems fine.

Now how long has he been like this? For a couple of months now. But whatever this is it genuinely is affecting him a lot, doesn't matter how much i try to make it seem insignificant, to him at this moment is everything.

His problem specifically is he's not used to this now this can be about him sort of not being with the other members like before( he definitely is still in contact but not as frequently as before) and he seems to not like this or it could even be just the fact that nothing that's been happening lately is really worth celebrating orrrr it could mean whoever he's dating rn, they're not on good terms with each other oorrrr it could just be all of them packed together. Another problem thT i see is him not beinh able to balance whatever that's been going on( which like shouldn't he be used to this by now? Like he's a veryyy famous artist ofc he neglects some personal stuff but u see now that he has more time it's actually affecting him way more negativly " like shit i really neglected all of this? " and now it's all crumbling down on him).

The best thing he can do to fix this? lmaoooo okay okay hear me out i got the empress, now this can mean a few things:

He needs to fucking relax

Needs to focus more on relationships with women ( his mom, sister and his gf )

OR JUST HAVE A BABY LMAOOOO pls this man is desperate to become a dad and tbh becoming a dad will genuinely really benefit him as a person.

So i guess this is it, i dont really wanna get into more details just bc u know it's his personal life after all but since he talked about this publicly i wanted to do a tarot reading just bc i was very worried.

[queersturbate]

"o&o are the dumbest motherfuckers too" why?? what did they say? spill the tea

hello anon! i sound bitchy in this but it's just because im ranting i dont want you to think im being bitchy towards you!

disclaimer everyone <3 dont try to debate me

i do not know to which post you are referring to but i have no doubt i said this because they are the dumbest people. Did they make one of my favorite pieces of media of all time? yeah. Did they write beautiful complex characters? yeah. Am I jealous of the artstyle and wish so bad for it to be mine? yeah. Did they write a incredibly interesting and intense story with so many little details and plots that I'm still talking about it 15 years later? yeah.

But they are dumb. Now, again, idk what post you're referring to so idk what i'm calling them dumb about. But one, they're homophobic. they've made several homophobic remarks (which i don't have specific evidence of rn so i wont say anymore about that) and even had a bunch of homophobic elements in the death note draft, one that I can think of off the top of my head is the one where aizawa tells them to stop being gay and obsessing over misa or something. I have a screenshot lemme find it.

love it. I've had this screenshot for a long time, so i forgot where I found it. Anyway, they're also misogynistic. The evidence is how the women in the show were treated.

But if we disregard all that, there are so many annoying IMPORTANT plot holes (I can excuse misogyny and homophobia but i draw the line at plot holes/ you can excuse misogyny and homophobia?) And im not one of those people that are like wow they said this [irrelevant detail] in episode 2 and now they said [different irrelevant detail] in episode 30, this show sucks. No. I mean when Light and L were literally chained together and L told him he wouldn't let him out of his sight (which btw people need to stop whining and crying over lol Light literally had 0 issues with it. the only people not accepting of it were soichiro and misa- Light literally was like alright sure...anyway-)

there's just things that they didnt need to necessarily show, i understand. Like bathing, pissing, private stuff. A thing like this wouldn't show us that type of scene unless it was relevant. I could argue that it was relevant though lol. So it was left up to the viewer to guess what happened with those scenarios. Because must i remind you, L and Light were chained together for around 3 months. These scenarios had to have happened. and with the emphasis on L not wanting Light to leave his side I, and everyone else, assumed that L wouldn't just unlock the cuff and be like pee break! So what happened during those scenarios? Well, people, including me when I was 12, were like "Ahh gay things happened during those scenes" which is just what happens. If you have a public fictional world, people are going to ship the characters. Lawlight was one of the most popular ships. Ik young and new fans of dn dont know that but it was up there in popularity. Not even in anime circles. Just popular all around.

But o&o heard of this and they decided it was their right to disprove every gay scenario people were coming up with. Which is why you see L in the washing machine drawing. Because how can they shower together if L takes baths in a washing machine huh? checkmate you can't make my character gay! even though it's physically impossible and even if it wasn't, Light, again, would be out of his sight because he'd be in a fucking washing machine. Anyway, they also come up with the solution to using the restroom together, which is just L sits weird. Which honestly isnt bad like it's kind of funny and i get that. But when I known it's just a retaliation against people shipping them it's annoying. (how can peeing being sexy if he pees like this? like peeing together is ever sexy ??:&:!/@!::&) and then the sleeping together bit! o&o had a perfect plan for this...which is L does in fact sleep. But he and his chair fall sideways and that's how he sleeps. and he needs watari to come pick him up. it's just annoying. you can't not show these scenes and basically leave it up for interpretation and then when people are using it gayly you retaliate with childish workarounds.

not to mention the little comics in the back of how to read 13 when they made them so impossibly straight it's hard to read. Like it's embarrassing to read. okay...okay... i didnt know i had this much to say about o&o. i'll be done now.

[seoafin]

tbh,, i havent read the raws of the interview yet, only the translated ver from fan-translator and b4 i start, i think that this will be just me talking in circle and in no particular order AND a real mess (my brain does weird things after exams) but uhh here we go

gojou collects talented people, and by doing so he finds the people he can most probably relate to, except that he can't, not really, because something in the universe shifted when he was born. and it makes me think of how he's always known it, that he is special, and he's proven it, time and time again— he wants to take in talented ppl and he does, but there rly isn't much he can do for them. for they are talented, more talented than the world can understand,,

but they aren't gojou satoru

gojou took in megumi, bc he knew megumi was strong, and would grow up to be someone even stronger, but gojou can't facilitate or encourage his growth, bc for all they're similar, they are so fundamentally different. ALSO,, while geto was in his life, gojou rly judged everything according to his understanding of geto’s moral compass. gojou wears a human suit and geto is how he learnt to wear it well 🏃

the dragonfly analogy regarding to geto’s response to gojo, who was shown wearing a dragonfly patterned yukata in HI arc,, i’m trying to not think abt the fact that dragonfly symbolized victory in jpn....pain. i quoted from a web here for more explanation : In Japan the dragonfly is known as the "victory insect", or kachimushi, because of its hunting prowess and also because it is known to never retreat. Dragonflies are agile and fast fliers and can even hover, but never fly backwards

and bringing this up again, matricide and patricide are 2 of the 5 worst act to commit in buddhism, and it was said that if u commit one of those act u’re going to spend a real long time in the deepest pit of hell before continuing the samsaric cycle (higher chances to be born as an animal after that probs)— this might be geto’s divine retribution. held no power over his own body and could be considered that he’s the same as those “monkeys” 💀

ALSO the fact that sukuna's interest is "eating" rly drives home his hedonistic philosophy of seeking pleasure for himself. and he’s a cannibal...makes me think if he’ll just chomp on ppl with the mouth on his stomach

randomly, to date i think he hasn't really called himself a human, shaman, or a curse, and has held himself apart from all 3, and we've also the intro of the cursed wombs so i wonder if he’s trying to become, or is, a different entity altogether

so onmyoji got mentioned in the interview and what they practice is called onmyodo and abe no seimei and kano no yasunori were the notable practitioners,, and the kamo in jjk is the same as irl who served the imperial court back then

maybe i was right when i said that the relation between the govt. and jujutsu elders are similar to how the shogunate and imperial court work (ie, the former holds the actual power) but... lets see later,,

and i cant believe that i actually nailed it on the analogy of jujutsu practices by religion,,, so mahayana buddhism, shintoism, and taoism is present in jjk along with their respective jujutsu practices...but between the 3, it shld (?) be taoism > shintoism > mahayana buddhism (which could took a path to pure land buddhism)

it’s weird that the number of curses are supposedly higher in jpn comparable to other countries when taoism was brought from china....tengen sus

so the zenin family tree is sth like :

brothers: [toji's dad] ; naobito ; ougi

so toji, naoya, and maki & mai are cousins of the same generation

[toji's dad] → jinichi (probs) ; toji → megumi

naobito → other brothers, naoya

ougi → maki, mai

but yea i’d call anyone who’s within/close or below my age range as cousins and others above 30 as uncles/ aunts LMFAO,, i dont rly memorize my own family tree 😭😭 especially since most call the other by honorifics instead of names : aunt, uncles etc or attaching said honorifics at the end of a name for an older sibling figure/ older cousins [but like ppl in my country also call the other who are older with sibling honorific even if we’re strangers,,, rly similar to korea’s hyung/oppa—eonnie(unnie)/noona but some uses more genderless honorific] (1)

tw // topic of incest, mentions of abuse

if anyone got the wrong idea when reading this : i am not glorifying/ romanticising incest(uous themes),, i’m looking at this with absolutely no lenses of bias even tho im rly against it

初恋 = literally : first love, or puppy love

恋 = romantic love/ deep longing

i literally don't know how else to put this...🧍and with language barrier...using a western interpretation of the eng word "love" to explain a jpnese term is not quite that simple, unfortunately

that thread omg,, i rly do understand how exactly someone could associated kindness with love bc of my upbringing, it was when i was slightly older that i was just...oh so its not like that orz,,, so the most plausible explanation would be that

but the problem is that,, akutami never specify when exactly she had a crush on them,, and when megumi answered todo’s question she had a “♡” reaction 😶,, uhmmm there’s rly no way to look past this if its this way or be in denial

i’ve seen some of "why wouldn't mai react that way after hearing megumi say he'd like someone who's compassionate when she's surrounded by men like naoya",, well I MEAN,,, that, but also mai probs admires that megumi grew up so well out of the clan, regardless of the fact that he had the foundation (10 shadows) to do so. imo she seems happy for him the way she can't be for maki, bc maki ultimately had to leave her behind

hate to say it but yea,, the 3 clans most likely still practice inbreeding in order to preserve their power and presumably their wealth too 😀

i had an idle thought abt it at first but i filed it deep in the back of my mind asap,, bc i ont wanna jump to conclusion abt this out of all things too early. it’s probably not even in jjk, but all those elite clans in other ani/mangas that produce powerful heirs and whatnot also do the same,,, but this way of (my personal) thinking was influenced when i first got into tsukihime (type-moon),,, i read abt the nanaya family background and found out that they practice that in order to keep their bloodline “pure” (to keep it short : they have an optical power),, and i had this kind of assumption ever since so there’s that

i’m,, convinced the zenins' inbreeding made it more difficult for them to get powerful shamans bc they got 2 jujutsu technique-less children with heavenly restrictions in the same generation: toji & maki

even more convinced that maki might be a bit stronger than toji bc toji could see curses without aid while maki can't so the pay-off must be higher,,, SJJASN IDK ,,, plus naoya sort of implies his older brothers are nothing compared to him, and idk if we should take that as his arrogance or that his older brothers rly are weak/powerless. it would make sense as to why naobito had a lot of sons, ig, as head of clan

i feel so bad that if one of the factors that can caused heavenly restriction is inbreeding,, toji and maki and mai had no say in how they wanted to be born but are scorned for it,, typical asian families projecting their traumas and ideals onto their kids but get mad when they realize that those ideals are ugly...😁😁😁

since the zenin are conservative,, i wonder if they still hold onto old jpnese dining traditions. where in ancient jpn, hierarchical relationships were made readily apparent even within families. a dining table where everybody sat down and ate as equals would be unheard of. rather, each individual is given their own table that indicates their status,,, someone who is not considered “strong” according to the zenin’s views most likely have no place at the table, and probs eat when those who are “strong” finished/ serve them when they are eating

if toji was tossed into a swarm of curses,, i dont think abuse during said time is below them,,,

the zenin clan was already great, but they further amassed power and strength by, what i assume to be, marrying and adopting powerful individuals into the clan 🤔 ,,, i imagine they're like the hiiragi but without doing what they did to shinya (ons reference)

BUT after all that, i like to think that since akutami’s a big horror fan, jjk might be an outlet to explore said topics or even darker ones, so i wouldnt be that surpised abt it. given that there’s more than enough “red flags” before this was dropped : a reference to “tale of hikaru genji” when a grown woman asked for gojou’s number in HI arc (out of all things); granny who transformed into the man’s daughter, sat on his lap and man just touched her waist; mei mei and ui ui ; and...this (incestous theme is in the novel btw)

lets not start with whatever the fuck in kubo’s head in the interview otherwise i’m writing paragraphs with every curse words possible,, those big 3 mangakas are so— UGH,, a planet w out (cis) men like him sounds real good rn 😌 if one of yall out there decide to do it,, pls hmu rly cant do this shit anymore

akutami said i like my men pretty and i like women who will step on my neck and spit in my face (I REMEMBERED TATSUKI FUJIMOTO’S INTERVIEW WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABT MAKIMA AND IT WAS SO 😭😭😭😭) but ykw,, love that for both of them <3

when i said 3 : one piece, bleach, naruto. aside from the blatant depiction/ characterize of women in those 3,, idk if some ppl arent aware yet but oda is friends with two (2) convicted pedos,, man...the major disappointment and disgust when i first find out abt it

anyways this is just my 2 cents (which i think rightfully belong to the trash can) so pls just take this w a lil to no grain of salt - 🐱

YEAH THE ♡ LMFAO I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A “good answer ♡“ heart BUT NOW IM RE-EXAMINING?????

honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if the three clans practiced inbreeding. but ik people are going to be  😡😡😡😡😡 about it when the queen of fucking england is literally married to her (something) cousin. i’m not justifying it but like....love the double standards, just as always with the west 😍

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT FUCKING PED* LIST THEY SHOULD ALL BE IN JAIL. JAILLLLL. it’s all so gross. that’s why i fucking hate when people look towards manga for positive representation because the chances of that are super slim to zero, especially since the industry is saturated with misogyny and ped******* and a lot of other gross stuff.

i think ppl forget jjk is a horror manga LOL so obviously it’s going to confront darker themes. the question is whether it’s going to be done tastefully or not......

[mousehole5000]

 tgcf lb the second. chapters 7-13

love that we’re getting fu yao and nan feng described as “two little pretty boys” amazing and completely as expected also everything theyve done is 10000% funnier now

The military officials heard their impromptu, slapstick live comedy and couldn’t help but smile. The dissatisfaction in their hearts had dissipated a lot, and they felt a bit more closer to the other three. This resulted in the sedan chair becoming much more stable. - tbh it is often true that if you make people laugh they are more likely to like you in my experience. to be fair what xie lian did was funny theyre a funny trio

okay time for some creatures and beings. base slaves do sound terrifying no thank you i do not like hordes. remind me a bit of husks from mass effect and those were the worst so. also xie lian wielder of silk ribbons i like it

im very :eyes: at fu yao and nan feng rn. i think theres more going on with them..... i have suspicions but we’ll see

well goodbye butterfly boy who crushes skulls and spiritual arrays and sick boots and taught me what a vambrace is. im guessing we shall meet again i have the strangest feeling that ive heard about you

In fact, all of the dead people in this room wore wedding garments while smiling even in death. - grim!!! spooky!!!

The moment he finished saying that, he pinched that corpse’s face twice. The youngster only felt that the skin beneath his hands felt smooth like tofu, making people’s hearts feel itchy.  - eww!!!! also dont feel up the corpse buddy wtf. also everyone leave little ying alone

Drip, drop. Drip, drop. This created the frightening scene of a forest filled with corpses as blood rained down from above. even more grim!! - happy halloween kids

When he heard Fu Yao’s explanation, Xie Lian thought in his heart, ‘This name was truly unnecessary. If it was a ‘Devastation’, then it was a ‘Devastation’. If it wasn’t, then it wasn’t. Just like how there were only the phrases, ‘ascended’ and ‘haven’t ascended yet’. There were no such things as ‘near ascending’ or ‘approaching ascending’. On the contrary, adding on a ‘near’ word made people feel awkward. - nevermind the deaths, xie lian needs to make some points about semantics. it has nothing to do with the situation at hand and i love it

QI RONG IVE HEARD ABOUT YOU FROM MY MUTUALS!!! terrified

Who knew how many times he had already said that phrase tonight. Every time something happened, Xie Lian would have to say it at least thirty to forty times. However, there would always be people who turned a deaf ear to his warnings. He felt truly quite helpless. - not sure if this is be xie lian is dressed up as a bride or if its just his bad luck. or if its bc thats just how people are. either way i feel you buddy

“Excuse me for this.” Xie Lian grabbed a hand from each bride before placing them on each other’s necks. The two brides suddenly touched something and were very surprised. Since they couldn’t see anything, they began to fiercely destroy each other. - xie lian stop being funny fjlkajdfs;kasj also right after this he goes into his street performer spiel upon being applauded. amazing

the visual of this fight with the villagers inside the ruoye loop and all the brides is pretty sick. also xi lian on the spirit phone to ling wen while the villagers cheer is very funny

heteronormativity obfuscates another mystery... but also a possessive jealous bride walking on her knees... thats quite a figure!! and tbh it is interesting that everyone assumed that the ghost was a bridegroom who didnt want to see happy couples and not a bride who didnt want to see happy couples. congrats xie lian for thinking

bruh she ripped his skull out and it screamed

i mean the indiscriminate killing of innocent women is bad but other than that im on her side tbh fuck this general pei guy

ow wtf i just cried a little bit. xie lian’s reassurance to little ying... her response.... wtf ;_;

As for the matter between General Pei and Xuan Ji, unless one was directly involved, it was better not to comment on who was right or wrong. He could only pity those seventeen innocent brides, the military officials and drivers who had escorted them. It truly was an unexpected disaster.  - valid. still sympathetic to her tho i just am

human face plague..... bruh. okay might have to alternate between reading this and watching hannibal not sure i wanna do those together

He really wanted to hang a sign on his back saying, ‘Ascension is not as good as collecting scraps’ and promote it in the mortal world.  - this lb is officially just funny xie lian moments now

The meaning behind his words were basically, the female ghost Xuan Ji causing trouble could not be blamed on General Pei, because she originally did not have the ability to cause it. If they wanted to pin the blame on someone, then they should pin it on Green Ghost Qi Rong, for it was him who took in Xuan Ji and gave her the ability to harm people. - told you. i was right to blame the men

i have indeed seen the donghua trailer so my suspicions that butterfly boy was indeed hua cheng being confirmed are just like. yep. exactly as expected.

i read the second half of chapter 12 on my phone so i didnt get any quotes but hua cheng rise to infamy funny. xie lian listening to it all and just going “hehe silver butterflies pretty” is also funny

i forgot that xie lian was in debt but im glad he paid it off good for him be free

After a while, Ling Wen really couldn’t stand it anymore and privately told him, “Your Highness ah, the things you send in the spirit communication array are all very good, however, I’m afraid that even a Heavenly Official a few hundred years older than you wouldn’t send them.” - fakhlsdfjakl; ling wen really told xie lian he was facebook grandparent posting in the spirit communication array

Since he couldn’t fix this, then it was still better to just forget about it. Xie Lian gave up on this issue, and as a result, stopped being gloomy as well. - you know what i respect that attitude i really do. xie lian said well ill just get over it and he did. i need to do this with twitter

However, this kind of problem didn’t exist for Xie Lian. With the curse upon him, he was no different compared to mortals, and thus could eat everything. And because he was a seasoned veteran of a hundred battles, no matter what he ate, he wouldn’t die. Whether it was a steamed bun that had been lying around for a month, or pastries that already sprouted some green mold, he would definitely be fine after eating those things. Since he had a constitution like this that defied the heavens, he actually got by alright during the period he collected scraps. - im sorry i know i keep saying it but xie lian is so funny i love him fjasdlfsdjfadksl literally king of eating garbage i love him so much

okay more hua cheng lore next time. and this interloper in the cart... ok

[thegeminisage]

alright im about to watch 5.03 of merlin for the 2nd time ever

because if i dont do it now i may NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE

but first i wanna get out of the way that i thought merlin convincing arthur to keep the ban on magic in 5.05 because he was trying to thwart ~*~destiny~*~ or whatever is the laziest writing ever, it’s unsatisfying for the audience, it renders the rest of the last season utterly pointless, it’s unfair to merlin and arthur, and the tonal shift of the show from farting trolls in season 2 to full greek tragedy in season 5 was completely unwarranted and i feel TRICKED as a human person because i expected the end to be bittersweet and make me sad, not table-flipping angry, and i do not at all have high hopes for the finale

but i can ignore something having a “bad last five minutes” i did it for life is strange and final fantasy 13-2 i will do it for merlin but honestly 

speaking on 5.03, after it was over the first time i was like “i can never write my fanfic now because nothing i ever do will be as good as that” but i’m really relieved in that way that that was apparently the last good episode of merlin because now i can continue my work in peace and maybe hopefully even actually finish it

okay commence the liveblog:

love that arthur and merlin are down to just jump off their horses whenever random women start screaming in the distance. season 5 could have been so good, they’re so much more grown up and in sync with one another, i absolutely LOVE their #vibe

it was interesting to me also that arthur DEMANDED a fair trial for this woman despite her being accused of sorcery. god, he was SO CLOSE?? that hatred of magic just can’t really take root in him especially with uther gone...arthur may be an asshole in the early seasons, and he may be quick to anger and quick to lash out in that anger, but it’s just not in him to be cruel, especially needlessly

EVEN THIS LADY IS LIKE “u showed kindness and compassion” arthur is a Good Boy deep down he is he IS he didn’t care a bit about that horn she gave him but still politely said it was beautiful

although lmao the way his face changed when she said it was magic...that’s the STUFF

lowkey losing it at athony head in the credits. i was looking to see if he’d be in the s5 ones since he’s dead and didn’t see him in 5.01 or 5.02 so when i DID see him in 5.03 i was like haha no way did they pay to put him in here i guess i just missed him the first couple of times BUT I WAS WRONG

like, in buffy, they spend an entire episode trying to decide whether or not to necromance their mom or whatever and she doesnt actually APPEAR IN THE EP they never SEE her i thought this would be an episode ABOUT uther i didn’t think uther would be IN it

love that from the get-go arthur’s face screams “i am thinking about making a terrible mistake” and merlin’s face is like “he is thinking about making a terrible mistake”

i’m quite proud of merlin in s5 actually. bad writing aside he uses multiple braincells many times per episode. it’s a vast improvement. same energy as clary from shadowhunters right down to getting shafted in his final season

ive said it before and ill say it again gwen looks SOOO GOOOOD as queen

if this is the anniversary of uther’s death then (if you go by 1 season = 1 year) arthur just turned 30...it’s been nine years and change since merlin met him, and by the end of season 5 it will have been an entire decade

in an otherwise increddibly heavy episode arthur panicking and throwing all the apples out of the bowl so he could cover the horn with it is absolutely priceless. season 5 if nothing else has really hammered home for me what a TERRIBLE liar arthur is - merlin got good at it fast out of necessity but arthur can’t hold a poker face to save his LIFE. “leave it.” “why??” “because i’m telling you to and i’m the king of camelot” buddy......

we were ROBBED. if there had ever been a day where arthur came to accept merlin’s magic but still had to help merlin hide it there could have been an entire episode of arthur nearly blowing merlin’s cover because he’s a nervous nelly and at the end he goes “i cant believe you have had to do this 24/7 for YEARS without a single friend to help you” and merlin goes “well now i have you” anyway.

i love also that repeatedly when arthur goes to do something scary by himself he also brings merlin. they LITERALLY are two halves of a whole

“you’re threatening me with a spoon??” i can’t tell you about the unfortunate fanfics i have seen involving The Spoon. i shall also not mention the ones involving The Glove. we will not speak of it

I CANNOT BELIEVE STONEHENGE IS IIN MERLIN. i got so agitated i did not pay one bit of attention to the conversation following its reveal and me and cathy and had to rewind so i could listen properly

my hate-on for stonehenge goes thusly: stonehenge apocalypse, starring misha collins, is @callowyn‘s favorite movie. i have seen it 45 times. i hate it nearly as much as she loves it. it’s an age-old battle

merlin is so intense when he looks for signs in arthur that he DOESN’T totally hate magic...arthur using magic to see his dad again is one of those signs. he’s willing to turn to it in desperation - maybe he’d be willing in less desperate times too

“my father was taken from me before his time” i mean...he was practically in a coma. so like. he wasn’t

love that when arthur mentions merlins dad ONCE he immediately looks like he’s about to cry. mood. i also want to cry every time i think about merlins dad

up until the moment i laid eyes on uther i was SURE they werent actually gonna do it. i came into this thinking it was a FLASHBACK EP

for the record (and believe me i NEVER thought i’d say this) even though i waited and waited for his demise and cheered when he was gona for good...i really missed uther in season 4. at least with uther you know what you’re getting. agravaine (his replacement as “evil guy who keeps us from being able to solve our problems too easily”) was a slimy cowardly CREEP. and in season 5 i WISH things were as simple as “work around uther’s pigheaded unreasonableness”

for a hot second i really thought uther and arthur would have a nice conversation where they reconciled or said something heartwarming. i was worried about an uther redemption arc - this guy is responsible for the genocide of magic users, he doesn’t deserve redemption - but this show said NOT TODAY and they said it QUICK

WE

ARE

SO

BLESSED

i have A LOT of issues with season 5 but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS WAS DADDY ISSUES 2.0 BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD

repressed trauma returns: harder better faster stronger!! that’s the STUFF

was i not just speaking the other day on my fanfic ask meme about how i love emotionally intense stuff? this is IT babey

uther’s such a bad father! he’s with his only child again for the last time in ever and all he does is tear him a new one! this is why arthur’s such a fucked-up human being (morgana too) 

i’m THRILLED we got to revisit this. his eyes get bigger and bigger and he starts fucking stammering and by the time uther’s done calling him weak and a failure he looks ready to CRY. i was HOLLERING. i still couldnt believe uther was even HERE and not only is he HERE he’s a WRECKING BALL

“this CAN’T be the last time i’ll ever see you” oh buddy you’re gonna wish it was

and he looks back, as he leaves. of COURSE he does. just like lot’s wife. so it goes.

you know how at the end of every supernatural episode sam and dean debrief and talk about their feelings in the car? for merlin and arthur it’s almost always done around a campfire at night - sometimes in arthur’s chambers or other places, but usually out here in the wilderness where it’s just the two of them. i’m...really going to miss it, when it’s gone.

“my father doesn’t approve of the way i’ve chosen to rule his kingdom” “you mean YOUR kingdom”

you know i don’t think i really got...like, fundamentally, on a deep level...that merlin fucking HATES uther

i’ve seen him save uther’s miserable life so many fucking times that i thought for merlin it was kind of the way it was with gwen - he feels nothing for him, but he looks after him for arthur’s sake (or as i came to understand later because he’s professor x about the whole thing)

but the way his expression got SO UGLY when arthur revealed that uther just shit-talked him the entire time...holy fuck

between that & some other stuff that happens later it really paints a clearer picture of like...uther’s dead so merlin doesn't have to hold back anymore and he FUCKING HATES HIM?? like obviously he SHOULD bu i just never SAW it before this. merlin LOATHES him. it’s INCREDIBLE to witness when he bore it so silently for so long. maybe even merlin didn’t realize just how much he hated him until now

and not to get too real here but if youve ever been friends with someone who had an abusive/toxic parent or was in an abusive/toxic relationship and you watch them feeling like shit after and they start making excuses for that asshole like “oh yeah he’s right about x” and you just want to find this horrible person and THROTTLE THEM that emotion is like ALL OVER merlin’s face rn. i didn’t actually seriously "”ship”” merlin and arthur until late season 4/early season 5 (i didnt like dislike it i just wasnt actively bothered by a lack of it) and what changed was this vibe. merlin wants to kill uther all over again just because he made arthur feel this way. he’s so fuckijng PROTECTIVE

and he still almost manages to drag a smile out of him via roasting, god bless these 2

ok so i didnt believe this show would actually DO THAT re: putting uther himself in this ep but i was doubly shocked by the fact that he HITCHED A RIDE AND GOT OUT

me shrieking during this entire poltergeist sequence: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HIM?? HOLY FUCK HE IS LITERALLY HAUNTING ARTHUR I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE DOING THIS I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE GIVING US THIS etc etc etc

actually most of that was probably muffled nonsense because i was yelling with both hands over my mouth

percival’s the realest motherfucker on this whole show. dude survives a murder attempt in which he got an AXE lobbed at him by the fucking GHOST of a power-mad genocidal king and he’s like: yeah idk i guess it fell

there was thunder in the bg for this WHOLE ep and i’m Big into it

absolutely CACKLING at the bit where merlin has to ask arthur if he looked back at uther’s spirit. it’s one of those nice big heavy questions - so heavy, in fact, that arthur can’t answer, can’t even LOOK at merlin, either because he’s ashamed or because he’s bugging out or both. you thought this shit was over? it’s never over! daddy issues are a lifelong ride, pal! arthur’s just get to haunt him literally this time. god it’s so fucking good

can i just say? merlin reads that damning silence reeeal well. and it’s a big, heavy thing to know about arthur - but then again he knows all the big heavy things about arthur

the score for this episode is really good too...very suspenseful and good, adds a lot to the atmosphere, keeps it from getting too slow

there’s a hint of merlin’s absolute HATRED of uther in this conversation again - the way his face tightens when he says “uther would do anything to protect his legacy and that makes him dangerous, who knows what he’s capable of now”

and arthur dismisses him because he can’t hear this but merlin almost refuses to leave - and when he DOES leave, he doesn’t take his eyes off arthur for one fucking second. he stares him down all the way out of the room. i don’t think it’s because he’s angry with arthur, per se - he’s angry with uther, and he knows uther in a way arthur never can or will, as someone ruthless who will kill without warning or remorse. he’s afraid of uther and he’s trying to get arthur to be afraid of uther too before it’s too late and LSDKFJGHSLDFJH

if you’re thinking “thats a lot to interpret from one look” yes it is but i’m right. IT’S A BIG, HEAVY LOOK. NICE AND LOADED. love unpacking all of that

i cant believe this dude tried to KILL GWEN like he really is coming after everything that makes arthur happy. im so glad it was merlin that saved her. i really do think merlin is her best friend

multiple times in this serious arthur fidgets when he’s nervous or thinking, usually with his hands near his mouth. i am endeared to him. my poor boy

“i always knew my father could be cruel but why would he do this to gwen when he knows i love her” BECAUSE HE’S CRUEL

merlin knows. merlin knows his cruelty much better than arthur. boy does he know. i’m dying. it’s fine

love that at this part of the ep we slide seamlessly into the “merlin and arthur are both scared shitless” section which was truly one of my favorite things about the s4 opener. they’re both so fucking jumpy and giving each other shit about being frightened and continuing to be frightened anyway. the DELICIOUS IRONY of arthur finally being scared of uther in the way merlin has been scared of uther for Y E A R S oh my god it’s so GOOD

do also love the entire silent conversation they have when deciding what to do about the door. this is what i mean by their upgraded vibe.l in the early seasons merlin wouldn’t have understood and his lack of understanding would have been played for laughs. now they’re totally in sync

here’s the thing, gaius could have made this magic “able to see uther’s ghost” potion for just arthur and he didn’t. he made it for both of them. everything arthur does merlin does. they’re partners in all things. they’re COMPANIONS. and this is why i finally now Ship It. tragic.

you know this is a kind of weird comparison but late seasons arthur reminds me JUST a bit of gwaine. he complains so much less that he sort of has that same “roll with whatever” vibe to him. pretend to faint so you can steal some guy’s dagger? why not. take this foul potion that may kill us? sure, let’s do it. come what may he’s not really fussed. much more unflappable

until he starts getting spooked again LMFAO 

we do love a good pair of spooked dumbasses. this is charming and entertaining.

leon HAD to know they were lying about poetry. he probably thought they were having.......a tryst,

love also that even in this very dire moment merlin does NOT miss the chance to have some fun at arthur’s expense. that’s true friendship

i got jumpscared three separate times during this ep and one of them was when uther was glaring down merlin and arthur in the hallway after leon left

arthur didn’t jump but he did go hunting after him and to his credit he does not look scared. he looks like a man who is trying to deal with his business and get his shit together

merlin made that FACE again when arthur expressed sadness at hunting his own father because all he ever wanted to DO was make him proud

honestly it’s like since he can’t shit-talk uther he just sings arthur’s praises instead like this here is a guy who is just barely holding his tongue about how fuckin pissed he is. i cant believe it

splitting up was the WORST idea. have they not seen scooby doo??

love that when merlin gets cornered by uther’s ghost and gets scared he yells for arthur and when arthur gets scared because his torch blows out he yells for merlin. you fools, why did you SPLIT UP

uther locks arthur in the room with him, which is already some top tier content, but doubly good? it’s the same room in which arthur nearly ran him through in 2.08. don’t think i didn’t notice. i did notice. i was shrieking into my hands.

seriously this is a pretty calm liveblog but the first time i watched this ep my face was like this the whole time: O O

just kept going “HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD” over and over. it was greeat

“arthur your fatal flaw is that you put too much trust in other people” do you think arthur, who now has a complex about people betraying him, ever forgot that for one second in his entire life afterward? me neither

speaking of 2.08 arthur dropped some FACTS “your hatred comes from fear” i'm sure they didn’t do it on purpose but #throwbacks

i’m fully experiencing human emotion. “i’m not you, i can’t rule like you did” he’s trying SO HARD to fight his way out of that bullshit

also lmao arthur like “then you’ll have to kill me” and uther like “yeah okay” arthur didn’t KNOW how this man was this could have been SUCH a good awakening

AND NOW IT’S TIME

FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS EPISODE

when i say merlin hates uther. WHEN I SAY MERLIN H A T E S UTHER

HIS LINE HERE. ok. “get away from him, uther. you’ve caused enough harm” he’s furious! he’s GROWLING! 

“you are just a serving boy” “i am much more than that” listen. human words cannot express the emotion that ran through me. when they said “we’re gonna bring back anthony head as uther” i doubted. when they said “he’s gonna be the bad guy and reopen all of arthur’s old wounds” i doubted. when they said “he’s still here LITERALLY haunting arthur who now has to HUNT HIM” I DOUBTED. i didn’t believe they’d do any of it until it was happening on my screen. but ONE LOOK at merlins face made a MOTHERFUCKING BELIEVER out of me. i knew exactly what he was about to do. pretty sure i gasped “NO” in astonishment

AND HE DID THAT

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

NOT ONLY. DID I SHRIEK ALOUD. FULL SCREAM. WHEN IT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME. BUT JUST NOW. WHEN I WATCHED HIM DO IT AGAIN. MORE SCREAMING.

how LONG do you think merlin had ACHED to do that

to show himself to uther for what he was, what he REALLY WAS, someone to be reckoned with instead of someone to be overlookedd, without fear of consequences

i can’t even like

like just imagine the triple rush of 1. satisfaction 2. rage 3. lingering habitual terror

i think at this moment merlin was closer to and more like morgana than he had ever been and maybe ever will be again. because the two of them have so much in common but one thing i didn’t really clock until now is how much they both hate uther

it’s so good. uther is SHOCKED and DISMAYED and this is like merlin’s old fear come back from death too (getting found out by uther) while at the same time being a dream come true (getting to tell uther what he really thinks, who he really is - “i was BORN with it!”) he’s so ANGRY! he is LIVID!)

he’s also really SATISFIED like “even while you were king there was magic at the heart of camelot” GOD how long has he been WAITING for this and not even realized it

and like then uther starts spewing his hateful bullshit and stalking forward with the intent to kill and my guy merlin who should be terrified STANDS HIS MOTHERFUCKING GROUND and says right over him “you’re wrong, you’re wrong” for thirty beautiful seconds merlin really got to be free. i know i will keep comparing things to 2.08 until i die but it’s just like when arthur was almost ready to kill uther in cold blood because for one perfect, brilliant moment he really and truly saw clearly the world as it was. i really love these moments...the strength of their respective convictions is so gratifying

merlin yeeting uther through a door is also gratifying although i have no idea what he hoped to accomplish by following without waking arthur first

i. LOVE. that the camera lingered a little on the spears or whatever after merlin walked by them. nice little foreshadowing moment

THOSE SPEARS GOT AWFULLY CLOSE BUT IM PRETTY SURE UTHER MISSED ON PURPOSE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TAKE HIS TIME. HIS MISTAKE

okay merlin spent the better part of a lifetime dreading uther’s death sentence and here’s uther stalking down a hallway sword pointed at his chest and certain death is IMMINENT and what does merlin’s face look like?

arthur comes in with the rescue and INSTANTLY his expression changes to?

IT’S BETTER IN MOTION BUT HE LOOKS READY TO CRY

my immediate thought: oh jesus what if uther outs him

i knew he wouldnt bc of spoilers but i would bet a benjamin that that was merlin’s first thought too

tbh. i wish he had.

i kind of wonder if merlin doesn’t wish the same thing. like yes being outed like that is terribly violating and he’s terrified of telling arthur obviously or he would have already but at the same time there would be so much relief once it was finally out. no more secret-keeping. no more burden

i mean, if you go back and watch it, dude’s straight up shaking. he’s trembling all over. he’s losing it. that last teary glance they exchanged.......

uther was two SYLLABLES away from blowing the whole thing

and in a better happier canon where arthur knows and was waiting for merlin to tell him this is like double angst because uther wouldve ben blowing something for them both

i like arthurs followup of realizing that he’ll never be able to please uther (step 1 of breaking away from the cycle of abuse) but for the LIFE OF ME

i will NEVER be able to understand why they segued into this GLOVE THING

i’m not talking about the glove thing

i will say however that by the end of this episode i was so hysterical i had to get up and get water and pace around my kitchen for ten minutes fanning my own face

and that’s it. that’s the second-best episode of merlin and the last good episode there ever was

[misterbitches]

@flootweed ​

ATOTS

That's super fucking romantic? Like tragic but in a nice way. i love that shit. i'm a monogamous slut for romance pghiosuag even tho we have to learn to live alone too but it's just like the NOTION is nice?!??! awwww i told my mom that SOPHIE's gf was like "she died taking a picture of the moon" and how it was like idk. the gf was just processing it and she thought it was romantic and my mom was like "wow.....depressing" bc think she thought it was stupid millenial shit i was like no mother doent u see she died in the BEAUTY LMAO but then i told her jessica walter's husband died the year before and then she died and she was like "aw...kind of romantic" LMAOOOO i guess two people have to die. why did i tell this story? i am so sorry. the show ended today right (ep 10?) i didn't realize it was that short. so i hope it was a happy ending? (tell me) i understand why you love the atmos! it's like, not really been done. there's this BL that i hear isn't too great but it does take place in a rural part of thailand and there's way less budget. a lot of ppl seem to like it. ep 6 LW / LW in gen gotta be honest, rushed through it. i knew spoilers from jump cause BL spoilers are just absolutely nothing and sometimes ur just like i need to know. i do not understand the ~silently lookin 4 u~ trope it always backfires and is also DUMB. so happy about tiffy. a girl who likes girls but ends up with a man bc of mommy and also the man is ok....it's me. she's gorgeous and actually [h*lf] gay so it's great. god ok i feel so old again. lmaooo but i was like obsessed with lady gaga for that reason (dont ask...also how i got kinda popular on tumblr way back in the day) and shes just absolutely fucking beautiful and bad ass. (which kind of doesnt helpcos they r all skinnty but that's FINEEEE) right? i mean like i guess cos we knew abt it? i can see why he was so pissed off, too? i mean i'm so fucking like...sensitive to being told what to do so i was angry for him from jump. i guess i was also looking at it different wholetime cos i knew the spoilers? i'm assuming u did too lmao. so we knew hed be pissed and leave. and frankly that's what sib gets. just for you my friend i will watch it and update. i think MANY times in shows in gen but it is something you notice a lot in BL bc they are just absolute novices most times. in this case, gene's actor mostly well (and i like him as a person just cos he was on that thai 3 girls in a car show and used to date on eof them lmao) can act so i will look over that scene to see how sib's actor plays off him. but the pausing in between sentences or for so long even decent actors or actors doing better. kao is not bad, not great so they will talk slowly because dramatic acting but the problem is most times it's too long. even if the person is an adept actor it won't always work and YES THEN THAT MEANS THE EDITOR COMES IN AND SNIP SNIP SNIP! it's too long. and sometimes it just does not work even if you can act. but it is GLARING when they cant or are average (someoe said this about tharntype and my god lmao tharn..is...so...slow...in...talking...the actor idk his name it's one of em, the other one with the nose (type) is....different not better but he certainly does not talk as slow. they arent bad but they are not good so.) also sometimes they are forgetting their lines. some ppl find this charming. clearly we do not lmao. what is their relation? what is going on there? i don't have a problem with stepbrothers as long as they didn't grow up with that sibling bond. many times blended families really have to watch out for that kind of fraternizing but it's always when theyre older and teenagers bc they didnt grow up w/ each other....i mean they have chemistry so i'm whatever. but. hennYYWAYYYS.actually it's bc im an idiot i didn't read it as Mhok (singular) and aey's father. Yes and his sister who i think i may hate? im like bitch okkkkkk but. his name is lhong. and he is a psycho. i mean so is type. so. oooh it could be that he stole! but also i'm pretty sure cos hes gay lol or did they

not make that explicit? the thing is i had to skip through most of that scene too because the drama was WAY too much for me. too much. lmao. the sister thing i got and it made sense and iliked that. oh yea he is gay and they know. that's a big one.

WBL

haven’t watched color rush! did you like it? i have seen wyel, parts of mr heart, and ofc to my star :) 

ohhhhhh ok. i get you. yea he definitely wasn’t being ooc cos i think that....what u said. and also like....ugh i cant even think rn. i like sam lin a lot so i like gao shi de but i gotta say. lmao. hm. first of all. yes it is creepy what he did. it’s fucking weird. and sad that his whole life revolves around him. it’s not as fucking weird as LW but still like when he did the door thing. i was like UMMMMMMMMM cos i really didnt want it to be constructed. and when it was i was like imma suspend my disbelief. but if anyone dared...

and so what he did in s2 i think he just couldnt realize that he was loved back which is why it’s good he WAS ALONE for 5 yrs imo. but he gave shu yi 0 choice and for that i am pretty sure i would be even angrier. i do think though that the father’s role is pretty important but i can see how the show is like....letting that go? bc as fucking weird as GSD is, he was still like...20? i guess and shu yi’s dad is like. crazy? i am also like he really had to fucking start a company to get noticed like are u joking? is it also that easy? and also why? lmao i just. ugh. i think that probs bothered me the most...priorities.

i like the show! well idk if i love it but sure. i think it’s decent lmao. i understand what you’re saying. for here it bothers me less but i certainly don’t think it was OOC. immature and stupid but like...that’s.....what they are. i also don’t have a problm with the timing from a technical point.

however, when i started the show? i had NO clue what concept of time it was. and that was very annoying. tehy redeemed it bc of the comedy aspects (the first time shu yi sees shi de is so fucking good, i really loved the shot and editing; it’s hilarious and silly) and i started to go with the flow of the show through that. but the fucking concept of time in the show in general esp with repetitive outfits (i understand that they are more likely to wear multiple outfits as well, it’s just that you have to split it up or it i sconfusing visually and looks like the same scene twice or just a full day of shooting which it could be but then something should change in the clothes. this is just an ex~~*~*) and partof that is they have this already controlled narrative i guess. 

i have to admit as well...i skipped episode 1. and most of 2. i was like i rly dont want to see someone slap a pereson even if they were like. not together. it’s just not cute also not in front of ppl. and then when they were yelling and bla bla i was like listen ladies lets calm down. too much angst in a boring way. what they have now is good. also they should probably like estrange the father but i doubt they will. 

i cannot make up my mind totally now bc i see what ur saying i guess i just don’t feel that way as much but i guess i have to think about it more, too. i do think he was contorlling in getting him or like when he didnt want shu yi to find out whwatshisface liked him. i guess for me it would be if he is still that way in the rship. but even tho he’s at fault for what happened, i’m also like but his dad? but also like...did he try? why did he just stop contacting? but then i guess he emailed everyday? DO U C MY QUANDARY.

alsoi have to say i do not care abt their backdoor being opened lmao like wow business? no thanks

LMAO. did they cry a lot in UWMA? i only know the teamwin parts. which one is fluke the really pale one who died? idk what it is about that kid but i just cant watch him. it’s not his fault it’s mine.

DUDE i still dont understand the husband and wife thing and ive looked into it multiple times. ive kinda just classified it as one of those things that make me uncomfortable but arent problematic lol. it you have any insight about it id love to hear it tho !!

it’s stupid. that’s what it is (husband and wife.) it’s just something they say like many gay couples may use pejoratives in conjunction with them, the f word etc. or even imply something about being a top and a bottom. whatever. but these arent gay spaces or gay storylines. sure gay men may direct them but since BL operates and relies on patriarchy without a doubt and also stereotypes poorly kathoeys or won’t cast trans women in anything substantial and use them as jokes (and see this is one of those things where it’s like...ud never see this in the US tho like our concept of third gender or kathoeys but life stillBOOOOO.) so it’s just useless when they put it into the scripts because it’s for people to consume and lots of girls are. obviously. so the idea that if you are being penetrated and u r the wife and this is used like literally anywhere but not from gay or whatever men is gross. are cis women’s vaginas sieves to them? are trans women not women? do we have to categorize people by PHALLIC OBJECTS IN OUR BODIES SPECIFICALLY A WOMAN? it dont make no sense. plus really most ppl just experiment, there’s more ways than one to have sex, we have lives so most times it’s not just full penetration for hours anyway. it’s just so gross. like oh that’s really funny lol ur the wife cos his dick goes in ur butt XD i get it, same. i say “i’m wife’ whenever there’s a penis in me. fucking kill me. it’s not a big deal but it’s just dumb and gross. if they use it they could try and subvert it too like i like how my engineer has  a whole absurdly stupid episode about it. but in TT the dad says “if ur the wife i wont accept it” and i was like u know what gals? im good. goodbye.

pgojaihousgajigko THAT’S SOOOOOOO OOWIEOFUGHOIJ WEIRD. FANDOM IS REALLY WEIRD. i have read rpf and written it once upon a time but dont do it anymore  uch. i mean it’s weird. no doubt about that. invasive, weird, strange. but very unreal anyway. it is. plus i dont like celebs or fame and think of it as a gross capitalist scheme so i had to stop (also so weird?) but i know very many people like lean in. lean in. LEAN IN. this youtuber i watch did a video on like insanely popular ships (like that 1d one) and their insane fandoms and i just couldnt. it’s so embarrassing? and then they’re so bold????? about it? 

yea it would be cool (more queer men or visibly we should say or like out whatever.) but it doesnt necessarily mean that will be good or beneficial i guess? i mean like. i dont know. so much about the genre is about wish fulfilment for young girls. its literally selling some fantasies because the other thing is for BL (i read a paper on this...) esp for girls in more conservative societies they cna maybe replace themselves in the character? but they may not feel a threat as a woman or like their life will fall apart if they engage in sexual things with anyone really. and that’s where i’m like....for a lot of these are they just writing a story and just replacing two men? bc they also seem to think it owrks like that. and in a way that’s what it is bc of the writing and how they use certain terms. you can tell the piece is about pushing a product and less about the real affects of a story. i think ITSAY is a great example of a really intelligent great piece of work that contains multitudes. and the girl was amazing. it just depends on the goal. and for most of the ppl the goal isnt...to do anything. so i dont know. idk how to talk abt representation anymore. it both is and isnt.

 i really liked tingting from my engineer a lot (idk if u have seen) she’s so fun and unapologetic. i love how much she drinks and if someone tells her to be ladylike she says no. and i appreciate that in the show when girls were rude to her she said nothing about the girls but said “NO IM NOT LUCKY TO HAVE ALL MALE FRIENDS?” i really want to see her more in the next season. obviously tiffy is goat. super excited to see how their rship develops.

[briteboy]

MORE ASKS I’VE BEEN IGNORING!!!!!!!

GET ‘EM WHILE THEY’RE HOT

P.S. ALL OF U WHO SENT ME THE CHAIN THINGY ILYSOMUCH 

Why is her step-douche such a foken piece of shit? omg i hate him

some mysteries are never meant to be explained tbh. why is he so ugly and evil? who wronged him? but also who cares he’s in jail forever now good riddance ugly

I know this is probably really bad, but after I saw the newest molly posts, I thought of that video where the little girl is yelling "MISS KEISHA, MISS KEISHA, oh my fukin gosh she fukin dead"

OMFGFD I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THAT VIDEO WAS SO I JUST WATCHED IT AND I’M LAUGHIN

i don’t blame u i bet when it happens i’m gonna be like “u know she ded”

(To the previous anon) i agree with you so, so much! In Poland, these dumbass politicians are letting shooting pregnant bisons (?? Im not sure how they're called) become legal. Like BITCH WHAT. Can you imagine??? A fucking pregnant lil' cow getting shot????? I feel Molly's pain on an emotional level rn (sorry if this is too nsfw, just needed to get that outta my system...)

i think this was in response to someone saying that hurting pregnant women is one of the worst crimes but um WTF shooting animals at all makes me itchy but pregnant ones..............nah that’s......nah

it’s ok get it outta ur system i’m here 4 u

the first thing I check in the morning is your account.... you have me whipped! ;|

OMG WHA LMAO REALLY that’s wild. i feel like i’m the only one who looks at my page which is dumb but like idk i still feel like a little kid that no one cares about lmao. but then you guys exist and amaze me with your responsiveness every day and i just ;____________; ily all

hi Sunny. first of all i'm gonna say i love your story and your editing style so much! your blog is goals like literally. i need an advice if you don't mind. you always find such amazing angles for your pictures while mine are so boring. any tips or tricks you can share?

HI thank you so much ;-; sooooo i’ve been thinking about this question the past couple of times i went in game, trying to figure out how to describe how i take pictures. for one thing i live in tab mode lmao. meaning you press the tab button on your keyboard to go into camera mode and get all these sexy angles and super zoom and stufffff. i almost always zoom in super far idk why. so there’s one tip. i honestly just play around with going up and down with the q and e keys (i think?) until i find angles i like. i take a lottttt of pictures with so many different angles just so i have a lot to choose from. basically i try to focus on different things in each picture in order to get a mix of the most diverse and dynamic shots possible. you just need to experiment and get creative. i know that’s the most vague advice ever but really just try a new angle that you’ve never considered before and i bet you’ll get cool results. an interesting setting is also the biggest factor, because certain objects and their placements will give you interesting results. 

i honestly want to print out your reaction pic to that one post and just hang it on my wall, put it in my heart locket necklace, stamp it on people's faces, start an email thread with it. i love it.

an add on to the last ask i sent about your reaction pic. i've been looking at it religiously since it was posted, and i dont regret a minute of it. LMAO I'LL STOP NOW.

SAKJDLJKGKSDAF STOPPPP LMAOOO i looked so ugly but that was my pure unadulterated reaction to that question and i trust you all to not judge my ugliness and instead share this reaction with me. i’m glad u liked it that much, i just printed it out and i’m cutting it into a small heart to put inside ur locket ok

everytime i hear cigarette daydreams by cage the elephant i think of a serious case of the novembers like its so fitting and then i get all emo when i listen to it lmao rip

OMMMMGGGGGGG YESSSSS how have i never made that connection before honestly. cage the elephant is one of my faves and i’ve seen them perform twice actually!! i’m watching the music vid for that song now and even that reminds me of my story ;-; i cry

thank you for sending this, and also i cry @ the fact that you used the actual title *dies* now this song is gonna make me emo til the end of time thx

i might sound like some crazy stalker fan but i just want to say you are so freakin awesome and nice and funny and cute and (i can go on forever) so caring! i love your blog so much and all the hard work and care you put into all your posts and followers. thanks for making my day and making me smile so much. you have no clue how much i look forward to seeing your posts and your hilarious hashtags and answers from asks and AMAZING story posts. im sorry i just wanted to let you know ur awesome ily

OFMG WHAT!!!!!! I AM ONLY AN EEL!!!!!! but no you don’t sound like a crazy stalker, i actually love this, you’re too sweet, thank you ;-; i’m just blushin so much reading this omg. YOU EVEN LIKE MY TAGS WOW that’s true love. ily ;-; <333

how do you get your sims' facial expressions to line up with your scenes? I feel like my sims' faces are never right :(

tbh i just use a lot of the same neutral poses...my go-to’s are @helgatisha‘s poses lol. they’re the easiest to work with when i do just plain talking scenes, and often i tweak my sims’ eyebrows and mouths with the liquify tool if i want them to look a bit more concerned, sad, mad, happy, etc., it works like a charm!! i also tend to play around with angles, you’d be surprised how much a different angle can enhance a scene.

Hey smol bean, I'm sent you an ask and now I feel bad that it probably made you feel anxious because you didn't answer it. It was the one about you not liking my posts, I have anxiety too so I'm sorry If I made you feel sad. I think I'm just looking for validation from people I look upto you get me? Anyway sorry again, don't worry about it! Love you!

hiya bb, i know you saw my answer to your original post (and i’m sorry it got some negative attention, i didn’t mean for that to happen by any means) anyway don’t sweat it, and i really appreciate this follow-up message. you didn’t make me feel sad, i just wanna know what i can do. it’s just a hard question y’know. i understand what you mean, i think everyone wants validation to some degree. tbh you can just come off anon and message me, i promise it’s not as nerve-wracking as it seems! ily

How did you make Santi's tattoos? I want some like that for my Sims but idk how to do it

boop

I HAVE A FEELING THAT MOLLY IS GOING TO DIE DURING THE BIRTH OF THE BEAN OR IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH HER STEPFATHER FINDING OUT ABOUT THE BEAN

WELP U WERE RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING

how did you make your characters page on your blog like that?

uoohhh like what?? i used this theme (monolog) if that’s what you mean aheh. here’s a guide on how to use custom page themes

okay so THIS IS MY THEORY: they might keep the baby and molly might actually carry it to full term, but then the kid dies in childbirth and either molly also dies or maybe kills herself or gets killed later? or maybe she's still alive but just won't speak to santi anymore cause she like can't look him in the eye after all of that or idk?? since ppl were sending theories i wanted to add mine lmao. another possible theory is that the stepdad finds out and kills her but thats TOO DARK omg

TOO DARK U SAY...WELL!!! it’s not AS dark as you guessed but only marginally

If Molly turns out to be alive and raising their kid alone (though from what I'm seeing in response to most questions I think that may not be the route) am I allowed to slap Santi (unless Molly didn't give him the option to help) because raising a child alone is not easy I've watched my mom do it for years.

YEAH i would give you permission to slap him lmao he would be a grade A piece o’ shit if that were the case. i would never ever write that tho because santi does own up to his actions if they’re that detrimental. his altruistic nature, no matter how backwards, would never allow him to do that.

There will be complication with the abortion so she will not be able to carry a baby anymore and she's going to kill herself OR her step dad is going to find out and he'll beat her to death. And in both situation Santi his blaming himself because he wasn't there at the right time... Okay I really really hope I'm wrong now !

I don't even follow your story very closely but every time I see your posts my heart hurts.

OMFG...that’s how u know the pain is real

but like wow my stuff is really so visceral that even my apathetic followers can feel the hurt...that’s real...that’s real my guy

omg!! you should 100% play or at least watch a playthrough of life is strange! legit the best game ever made, its so beautiful. the storyline kills you a thousand times over (much like your beautiful story) <3333

yaaaa i’ve heard lots of good things about it!! my bf played it actually, maybe he’ll revisit it again someday and i’ll watch him do it (i’m only a fan of video games if i can watch them like a movie lmao) thank you btw <3

I am shook and I worship you and your story and you are amazing WOW BYE

WORSHIP LMAO WHAT!!! PLS I AM UNDESERVING...ily tho don’t worship false gods

Do you let Molly and the younger versions of your characters frolic around your main save or do they have a separate one?

UM YES LMAO because i didn’t even know you could have separate saves until after i started the flashbacks lmao i’m...a noob. i don’t want separate saves anyway because 1) it’s too much of a hassle switching back and forth and 2) it gets too confusing for me and i’d be afraid of overwriting one save with another and NOPE too much anxiety for that soooo yeah there’s three santis in my game: child, teen and adult lmfao (fun fact: teen santi’s name is literally just Lil Santi)

I made it to my senior year with 6 A's and 1 B ... Be proud of me too? 😂 Lmao I told this to people and some of them were just like .. okay cool?! LMAO it's so funny but also kinda sad

I AM PROUD OF YOU TOO!!!!!!!!! my smart childrens

“okay cool” UM PLEASE that’s a feat...at my school if you got an A in a class in senior year you were allowed to be exempt from the final. so yeah that rules. ily

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Song of my life

I hate Jay, but I still think about breaking the moral code just to get them/he back.

I don't like their idiotic, bratty, ass, controlling, wimpy, diary of a stolen boyfriend, terror tactics, microsoft nerdy ass, clymphomaniac (Cliff Huxtable Nymphomaniac), military guerrilla style, bronchitis bitchass who snorrrrrrrttttttttssssss so fucking loud in the morning like a kerosene chemical bomb is stuffed up her fucking nose and into her black, gothic, lights her fingers, witch candles and fake dick complacencies all bundled in for an asshole she can't stop from seeking other people, with their own financial insecurities. But yet you steady roasting me??

I hate that I can't just get up and go get a job today. My ass is literally struggling just to pay attention on an application, then when I get frustrated that I can't find anything I'm even fucking qualified for, I get horribly upset about me not being able to do anything about it an just start wanking off for about 2-3hrs of porn just to get a high because I can't smoke weed anymore, and whenever I can't do that, I go to the store to buy processed food and sweets and pop that I don't need but I need to fulfill this need of a high with a sugar craving, and then I kick back into circulation because then I start thinking about how much of an asshole Jay and Jay gf was and then it repeats all over again.

I think too much.

I sneak drinks from my parents special alcohol because I can't even afford buying me some alcohol enough to drown my poisonous thoughts in. But then it gets worse if I drink too much, because then I think about hurting myself and the ptsd kicks in from my momma, dad, jay, that bitch, and everybody else that ever said any mean, rude, sarcastic, and judging me for not being able to grow up like a proper adult. When the truth is, I don't even want to?

And I mean the type the adult my mother and father became...

The corporate job, that you don't even like going to, but you do it because you gotta pay bills, wash your ass, cook, clean, and pay at restaurants because you wife likes to be dined out and took on trips every so often to feel loved and appreciated. Then there's the kids and their automatic dysfunctions to wanting to chip in or help out. All the while, when you come home, you're so tired and worn the fuck out, you can't even build on the dreams or the projects your ass retired to think about doing outside of work because your wife made you cut your hair and be somebody you weren't before you met her.

That's why I don't like marriage. Because I hate being controlled. But I know I need to if I want to settle down and at least have one freaking kid (which I admit took me a long time to even adjust to the idea of having kids at all, until much recently) because kids need to grow up within the first 8-10yrs with 2 parents to grow up with a secure attachment style. And I'm starting to fear, I don't wanna end up a workaholic like my mom who barely even had enough time for me working all the time to cover the household, and then now my dad is the one taking over that role and I see the difference in my sisters now, the lack of their father being able to emotionally support them, like he used to do with me. Cause when mom wasn't there, he was, and I'm glad he was. But now, I keep thinking that maybe if I didn't feel so fearfully attached to my mother to where I became anxious-avoidant, maybe I would have had a healthier relationships with my more feminine relationships and I wouldn't have started to feel like a low life about her not loving me, kissing me, or hugging me enough as a child, like I needed her to be there. It wasn't just me looking for attention or just whining for no reason, I remember crying to myself at night sometimes because I was afraid to call her to my room to help me. Because she was always at work.

And now you think I'm overthinking, but this is just an example of what my brain starts thinking within a whole hour and I just woke up. And by the way I hate the idea of being a depressed mother, postpartum-depression, my mother had it, but I've seen other mothers with it and how it affected the children to see their mothers sad and they became overpleasing, overworked children who blamed their mother's conditions on the reasons why they can't stop people pleasing and stop being too nice all the time, because they grew up in a southern background with biscuits, rice, and eggs that taught their children to serve and serve the mother and father as part of the household.

Sounds like slavery right?

What bout teamwork, cooperation, fairnesss. Not tyranny.

And that's where the loop starts all over again. Because I just came out of situation/unofficial relationship/bdsm-sex-slaveship/non-giving-a-fuck-cgl/toxicship/friendship that was ran by a tyrannist and a colonist working and then not working me to death, putting me on hold, expecting me to wait without a collar of endearment or commitment, and then getting mad when I leave to go find real love, but then my heart keeps fucking beeping like the little reservation alarms from Outback that HEYYYY BITTCHHHH YOUUUU FEEELLLL SOMMMMEETHHHIMGGGGGG THEERREEEEE FORR AAA REEASSSONNNNNNNNN! FUCKING STUBBORN YOUTH BITCH, YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THEMMMMM!

And this is when I get into a fight with myself, because it doesn't even fucking matter because clearly the Co-Captain, Jay, doesn't wanna be involved with us, nor do we know if they were actually playing a role to please HITLER or they really are an abusive, retarded, bastard who doesn't deserve shit, because you know why....

YOUU RANNNN AWAAAYYYYYY TOOO AVOIIIIDDD HEARRRING THISSS DUMBB MFFFFF SAY GOODBYE TO YOU IN PERSON AND NOW WE DONT HAVE ANYYY FUCKKKKINGGG CLOOOSSURREEE AND YO ASSS ISSS STIIILLLL GETTINGGG BLOOCCKKKEDDD

And I hate when I delegate with my personalities, yes, I said personalities, but they mostly feel like masks, because it was an imaginary coping mechanism that my young version of me did to adapt to school, my house, my friends in FL, My friends in MS, and then of course my friends here, I'm always changing and customizing myself like a GTA character in the shop, ready to just take a fucking shower and lay in bed alll day to exhaust my engine, because I downloaded too many computer programs and learned too many parts about someone else's vagina that I wasn't just about to get ready to eat and now Im switching as I talk......

See what I mean. I go from writer nostalgic rant, to aggressive, over freak that just wants to get down, get nasty, get drunk, get high, and go see other people so I can just get over this fat jerk, that (we dont know if they even love us, but nancy drew wants a straight up confession not controlled by their institutionalized gf that hawks their phone and their mind everyday. THEY REEEKKKK OF THEIR FUCKING GF INFLUENCESSS. THAT MANIPULATIVE ASSS FUCKIING WHHOOORREEEE), but most obviously (school Ky talking) this person absolutely does not love me or her enough to respect both women, but especially me, as they disrespect me the most, block me to abandon me, an treat me like a sexy can of green beans to eat later in their storage cabinet, so yes they just see you as a casual sex option to go, no longer respects you, your mind, your body or whatever your opinion is.....because their off marrying the wicked witch of the Midwest as we speak....it could be any day now.

(Mad ky) Why the fuck haven't they got married yet? 2yrs is wayyy too fucking long to be engaged to somebody if they're saying they're gonna get married at the courthouse. Like wtfff just do it already, I can't hold this fat ass bitch any longer from running back to this mf house. Like Ky, leave this nigga alone, damn! We can find a finer ass nigga, with a better job, and a better heart, emotionally available to love you and respect you the way that you need to be treated, fuck that mf.

I hate this bitch (Love Ky) but why don't we just go over there and see if they'll talk to us.

HELLLLLL NAAAHHHHH I DONT EVEN FUCKING TRUST THAT HOE AND FUCKING HITLER ASS GF SO FUCKING PETTYY SHE MIGHT EVEN TRY CALLING THE COPS ON YOU CAUSE SHE DONT EVEN LIKE YO ASSS AND SHE FAKKEKKE ASSS FFUCCKKKK LIKE A MF KARENNNN YO

Forget that hoe, we out mf.

We can't even tell this mf that we even moved in between grand rapids and Flint because mom tried to push us down the stairs and had to live with our grandma who don't even want us there so now she keeps making up excuses because she has OCD and likes her house a certain way, her and her only.

Its been a month since I even got into it with her about a fucking hamster, now my ass is still in flint. Not even wanting to go see grandma till I have a fucking job, cause she always yelling at me about stupid little shit and I only got to stay there for a month. She even got on me about some canned collard greens, man do I highly dislike that mf mother too. Sorry, grandma but you a pain in the ass to live with too.

I hate my life rn....

And its so hard to stay positive. My life sounds like a cartoon that I didn't even write. My looney toon ass need a psychiatrist, but I can't even afford therapy until I find a job with actual healthcare insurance.

Cause my first ever therapy session was $188 that I haven't even been able to pay off yet, because a mf aint got no job, Tommy.

Like wtffff

I need a vacation. From my brain. And my body. My family.

Then there's that good ol' American Television called escapissmmmmmmmm

[loveafuckup]

**tw:ed, weight gain/loss, calories, food, literally dont read this i just need to vent n dont wanna upset anyone**

ik no one is gonna see this so rant/vent time

so ive been ‘dealing’ w an ed since ive been in middle school n no one rlly knows abt it except for one person who i used to minimally vent to which i cant do anymore bc ppl are scaryy but anyways my weight has fluctuated between like 114 n 104 for the past two years bc i go through periods where i try to eat more n dont excercize so pretty much everytime i lose weight i start feeling guilty bc its so hard to not eat food given to you w/o feeling guilty for throwing it out n lying to everyone but during quarantine i started losing weight again until i rlly tried to start eating more for that person but it was rlly hard n didnt last long so i started distancing myself from them bc ✨guilt✨ and i didnt notice bc i look like a fat piece of shit no matter what but ive lost like 10-15 pounds and am at 95 rn which i wasnt expecting bc i cant weigh myself at home but my friend has a scale in her room so i weighed myself at her house where i was sleeping over for 2 nights n i was in such a shit mood the whole time bc all i could think abt was my weight n they kept wanting to make food n would kept offering me some when i refused so i havent eaten since i got home bc i feel like im gonna gain weight i havent been under 100 pounds since i was a child n this is the first time ive reached a goal weight i thought id be happy but i just feel worse bc now the only somewhat attractive parts of my body are gross my ass is GONE (not that there was much there) my hip bones jut out n i have the worst hip dips now n my ribs barely even fucking show which ik is still unhealthy but like i wanna be either a skeleton or skinny enough but w a lil ass n my boobs have gotten like four sizes smaller or smth (32ddd to a 28d) none of my clothes fit me now n my parents havent bought me clothes in three years bc im not appreciative enough n dont want to wear what my mom wants me to wear i eat less than 600 calories everyday (if i eat) but my mom tells me i eat too much n yells at me whenever im in the kitchen so even if i wanted to recover i couldnt i tried to lowkey talk abt this when i was at my friends w/o sounding disordered n blamed the weight loss on quarantine so they wont get sus but before i weighed myself i didnt know i lost weight n thought my boobs just got smaller bc of women things so i dont them n one of them was suprised when i said i was confused bc i havent lost weight but to her i had n then one of my friends said i wasnt obese before which just makes it sound like i was fat which ig i was bc ppl comment on my weight a lot like i thought i was just a little bit chubby but ig not so now i just feel like shit bc even tho i lost like 10-15 pounds in like two months im still at a normal weight so its not even like im unhealthy so i couldnt get help or just tell my friends abt it bc they wouldnt believe me so yeah idk where i was going w this but i just needed to say it somewhere :) (if you relate to anything i said feel free to message me if you wanna talk i wont judge ik how hard this can be)

[iftari]

politics r too polarized now there’s no third party with a conceivable chance of winning. n having a liberal isn’t GOOD but it probably means literally less ppl dying while we fight for electoral reform.... its biding time it’s not saying biden is better. revolution and fundamental change will be easier accomplished under a democratic govt.

+ across the board it’s like an option btw not great for minorities vs actively trying to eradicate minority populations and fuck over the working class. like no biden isn’t good. he sucks. but trump and his administration (AND a conservative supreme court WOULD) actively take every opportunity to literally fuck over and potentially kill huge populations of minorities. nobody is saying biden is good but objectively he will probably kill and hurt less of us / be held more accountable bc hes blue  i understand biden still mostly helps the middle class... i know some people are fucked either way.... but u can at least vote for the VERY small ways that biden will make a difference. cause they’re there. even if it’s not for u personally ok sorry rant over that wasn’t meant to be hostile or anything im just stressed abt the election. i appreciate ur thots u make good points

im sorry for taking 2 days to respond i didn't mean to ignore u. ur right in the sense that a 3rd party wldnt win anymore (3 months till election yes?) so yea we’re a bit late. my point more was....all this energy libs were channeling...cldve been channeled differently if they actually cared ab change and not just comfort. I've seen ppl complain ‘ugh i miss obama so i didn't have to care ab politics’ which....not even gonna get into how hurtful that is. I've seen tweets of ppl saying they wld tell tara reade to vote for biden. i dont care ur stance. the moment u lose ur morals for a politician is....smth else.

im not saying don't vote for biden. im just saying for people to stop pretending he's better than trump. ‘he’d take the pandemic seriously’ lol the man told ppl to stand in line for polls rather than mail. (before the current usps sitch!!) man made sure the hiv/aids crisis got worse. trump is shit but its easier for him to be shit BECAUSE of liberals work. biden will only make a difference for the privileged - THAT is who he is the lesser of evil for. and if that's the difference than fine!! but own up to THAT is my point!! if/when he doesn't win don't pin it on marginalized people like libs are doing rn!! its on the white women! its on THEIR men!! not us!!! THATS my point tbh.

vote for biden. if that difference helps u, do it. sometimes in this life we also gotta do things that bring us whatever comfort we can get. i wont like go up to anyone and punch them for voting biden. its okay.i think we’re on the same side rly, we have the same stance, we’re both just anxious and that's okay. i dont want to polarize u or anything, but like. do u understand my point too? my frustrations too?

[guyfierisrealwife]

yall mind if i fuckin uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh cw for fuckin abuse ig

im so fucking lonely and i hate living here so much like im seriously at my limit idk what to do anymore like. theres really no safe place to be? like some of my friends have offered to let me stay with them for a little bit and that is extremely kind and generous of them and i love them very much and if either of you are reading this thank you so much ily ily but like i cannt do that to you and i also cant leave my mom alone with her ex as much as id want to leave this place and as much as i appreciate the offer i cant leave her

but at the same time both my mom’s house and my dad’s house are unsafe places for me to be at but i cant leave and i dont even know if ill be able to go back to school in the fall like rn idk what’s going to happen and like if the virus isnt like. less. by then i cant go. like i have severe asthma like it gets set off by anything and if i get it i might go to the hospital or die or whatever and its just not worth going back to school for a semester if i might just fucking die but also i Hate being home and i dont want to fall behind where i want to be with school and i dont want to be a semester behind all of my friends and graduate late like i know thats kind of stupid but i dont want to yknow

but most importantly with that i dont want to lose my fucking job if i have to take the semester off like thatd be devastating to me like my father isnt helping me pay for school and my mom is helping a little but i want her to save her fucking money like id rather be in debt than have her live with chris any longer than she has to so working is really important and i love my job a lot and im like Good at it and i dont want to lose my job

idk im just worried and if my dad screams at me one more time or makes some weird sexual comment or like moans loudly in our shitty small apartment where i can hear everything he does im going to fucking lose it like please im Literally Begging you to shut up like i hate living here i hate it but i dont have a fucking choice and like i know that there are solutions to this but none of them can like. work because i cant leave and move away without my mom being able to do the same

plus my brother screams at me for doing literally anything and he steals money and food from me like sometimes ill have like alcohol in the house bc how the fuck else am i supposed to cope and he just Takes it and he steals money from me even though he doesnt fucking need it like he’s not going to school and if he needs something my dad will get it for him bc mikey is physically the largest and strongest one of us so my dad is just like “here have whatever you want”

and my dad literally doesnt care about anyone but himself i was like “if your friend is in the house can you please have both of you wear a mask” and he lost his fucking mind at me which is like. cool. ok thank you. i mean there’s a pandemic and you and i are in high risk groups and i know the only thing you’d care about if i died would be that i wouldn’t have any more accomplishments you can take the credit for and if you fucking cried when i died id haunt you for the rest of fucking time you disgusting pervert id make your life hell like the fucking hell you made me grow up in but whatever

also we’re fucking poor which honestly does suck like a lot of the time like im not allowed to shower that often bc my like 10 minute showers every other day take ‘too much hot water and make the bill too high’ but if mikey takes an hour long shower every day he doesnt say Shit, and he’ll buy himself a lot of new shit and make fun of me for buying a computer with the money i made by working (at a job he doesn’t think is like a ‘real job’ even though it. is?? like i dont get his logic?? is it bc i work for the school i go to? whatever.) becauyse my computer broke beyond fucking repair and id had it for like 5 years and the new one i got the fucking person at the store was like “you need this one” and it was on sale because parts of it dont work so i was like “yeah ok sure” and my dad is like “um :-) you cant say anythign bc you bought a new computer” and its like yeah and i dont pay the water bill so whatever if you want to complain abt something complain about how you drink a 12 pack of beer a day and scream at your kids about how when we ask for food it’s too expensive because we’re like “can we have milk and sandwich stuff in the house?” and youre like “literally die i hate you i hate you. im such a good dad :) you are so ungrateful :) no one helps with anything in this house :)” even though i literally do?? like so much??? and if im like “im going to wash dishes” since we dont have a dishwash machine he’s like “NO DONT FUCKING DO THAT YOUD USE HOT WATER” and its like please im fucing begging you to have a brain dude like im really begging you to think for once in your goddamn life about literally anything

not to mention hes a huge homophobe and fucking ableist even though he has a gay, mentally ill daughter and a neurodivergent son that he refused for YEARS to admit has some kind of neurodivergency and didnt let live with my mom because he “didnt want to lose his only son” even though hes abusive to him and all 3 of his fucking daughters lmao and he wonders WHY heather and alyssa hate him so much its because he says things like “youre so hot” to his daughters and then screams at them and says shit like “ladies shouldnt fucking swear” and threatens us and screams so much and thinks that an “im sorry...................you know how i am...........i was just upset..............why are you so angry that i screamed at you until you cried and then got even more mad that you were crying............................. i didnt do anything wrong and you should forgive me even though i never will change.” like dude i told you it made me anxious when you came into my room when i was in 6th grade and you laughed in my face!!! you laughed at me!!! when i was clearly nervous and visbily afraid you were LAUGHING at me

AND HE FUCKING LIES SO MUCH!!!! HE LIES TO EXTENDED FAMILY MEMVERS TO MAKE THEM THNK HES A GOOD PERSON AND HE ACTS SO BELITTLING i hate him so much i literally hate him and the times that im so fucking lonely bc i have no one else i live with to talk to i say something to him and hes like “shut the fuck up and go away” and its lik :-) ok. how do you expect any of your kids to talk to you if you tell me to go away as soon as i say anything

and dont look at my goddamn ass and legs and dont look at other women like that either and dont masturbate with the door open just FUCKIN STOP YOURE DISGUSTING I HATE IT HERE

also mister “i NEVER hurt any of you” like yeah ok THATS why you screamed about hitting us and threatened us and literally?? did??? hit us with your fcuking belt? like what lmao do you have fucking memory loss ??? like do you not remember like ik it was a while ago but think back like. i remember clearly you slapping my brother across the face but ok lol

anyway i Do hate it here lol

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth