#i literally just got an mri like a week ago and i will likely need another now

[lynne-monstr]

I thought the worst part of going home for thanksgiving was going to be listening to my parents terrible political opinions but no. it was twisting my ankle even worse than I did over the summer and undoing nearly a year of physical therapy :(

[kickthecan-revolution]

My sister flew down (again) to be with me during my oncologist and oncology surgeon appointments. When I picked her up at the airport, we started laughing, realizing we were basically wearing matching outfits - it’s the same exact thing that would happen when our mom and her sister Margie would fly to see each other, they would literally be wearing the same outfit when they stepped off the plane. What a thing.

My doctors are incredibly kind and they have confirmed that I have an excellent prognosis. I need one more MRI to make sure, but they think this is stage one a which is very very early and very curable. It’s a 97% survival rate, and 90% is the worst case scenario. I will need to have surgery, and then unfortunately a pretty intense round of chemotherapy, either three months or six months because the type of cancer I have attaches itself to a growth hormone, and that means it can grow aggressively and show up other parts of the body. But they continue to tell me that this is a speck of cancer, I caught it early, and I wouldn’t have to get chemotherapy at all had it not been HER2 positive thing. So I’m likely going to lose my hair and that’s really going to suck, but it’s so much better than losing my life. I’ll deal with it.

My first appointment yesterday was with the oncologist and she was so kind. I immediately felt these walls inside me I’ve built up to cope start crumbling a little. I looked at her and said I just want to live and she looked me straight in the eyes and she said “oh, you are going to live, who told you you are not going to survive this? You are absolutely going to survive this and be fine. This is a highly curable cancer and you caught it early.” I felt myself go black and my eyes rolled to the back of my head, all of the stress from my initial conversation with my primary care physician and his well-intended catastrophizing came to the surface, the terror of believing I was dying for two weeks and that I had done it to myself by neglecting getting mammograms for so long just came to a head. My face got super hot and I toppled. They grabbed me and I started to hyperventilate.

After it was over, she asked me all sorts of questions about what he had said, and told me that that if that initial news isn’t delivered with skill and care by an actual cancer expert, it is known to create post traumatic stress disorder, which I guess I have, every single time I see his name, i have a panic attack. I’m working through it, he’s a really good guy who was well intended, but as she said, “let’s just have the experts live in your head from now on, let’s make that agreement together. That was horrible to hear on top of the number of biopsies you had endure in such a short amount of time. I know you’re scared but no one could get through that who isn’t incredibly strong. This has been intense.”

I have a tentative surgery appointment second week of May but that’s assuming an MRI I get next week confirms what they’re seeing. So this is definitely a hurry up and then wait game but I feel like I’m in a really good hands , and knowing that the worst case scenario prognosis is 90% survival is incredible.

So two weeks ago, I had four likely malignant spots in both breasts, looking at a double mastectomy and a loss of my life – but all three out of four spots were benign, so now it’s just a lumpectomy and chemotherapy with some radiation.

All I feel is so grateful to be alive, I have neglected my health for a decade. I don’t have a primary care physician, I’ve not gotten a mammogram in years and years, so to have this reprieve with this aggressive of a cancer and still survive it is such a Grace. And I’m done punishing myself for that, the oncologist said we just don’t know when this showed up, it’s just one little mutation that could’ve happened a few months ago. The only thing that matters is, I caught it and I can fix it.

I applied for a leave of absence, my company is generally really good and very supportive of stepping away to take care of your health. It’ll be six months I’m gone, it’s going to take that long to get better. It’s going to be a powerful and humbling journey, and I’m going to come out of this stronger, clearer, and even happier than I was before. I know it.I claim it.

I’m not going anywhere, this is not the end of my life. It is the beginning of a new chapter in my one wild and precious life.

[gravehags]

getting an MRI on friday just to make sure nothing uh…got fucked up when i fell in the shower and hit my head on tile/marble shelf. this means that tomorrow i’m getting all my piercings out - a glass retainer is going in my nose piercing since i literally just switched over from a ring to a stud like a week ago. def need help getting the two highest piercings on either ear both taken out and put back in because i can’t see shit with the jewelry they have in me now. anyway i love my piercing shop (nomad body piercing, san rafael CA) they’re always so friendly and kind and helpful!!! then on friday afternoon i’ll get all my stuff put back in!

and now i can start channeling the stress of getting the MRI 🥴 it’s been many many years since i got one (for headache reasons back then too)

[crippleprophet]

(feel free to not respond to this, hell feel free to be like “please don’t do this again”)

so i’ve had join problems for like 3 1/2 years now and they just got diagnosed like 2 week’s ago, turns out i have runners knee

so i feel bad because 1. it feels lit not as big of a deal as i feel like it is (it is a big deal, it’s impacted my life (thank you therapy))

2. i’m worried that pt and more exercise won’t make it better (i’m on my schools swim team, so 4 practices a week during the season, plus a swim meet on friday)

and 3. i feel like (at least for now) i need more support. my pt doesn’t start until february and i can’t remember the last day i haven’t been in pain or had sensations that are probably due to nerve wackiness. i have used a cane in the past and it has helped me immensely. but i feel bad for wanting something that works for both legs. i’ve literally have had 2 dreams about me having forearm crutches.

i’m just really exhausted, sorry for dumping this all on you rn, i feel like even though i was listened to i still was just told to exercise and loose weight

hey, it’s absolutely no problem & i’m so deeply sorry you’re dealing with this 💕💕

i’m gonna throw like a billion disclaimers on this that, in addition to my usual line about just being Some Guy on the internet, i am definitely responding from a place of trauma here - i don’t know your body & you are the authority on your experiences, i’m just tossing some stuff out there based on my experiences, which might be totally different in other (or underlying physical processes yadda yadda) ways. also like big tw for medical neglect

so. i ran cross country in high school and my joint pain originated in my left knee at age 16, no specific injury or incident, RICE etc barely did anything. xrays and mri showed nothing. tried cortisone shot, euflexxa injections, some sort of topical steroid that was originally used on racehorses, nothing. because i was a runner no one ever considered it could be anything but an orthopedic issue.

i had two exploratory arthroscopic surgeries (which i’ve since learned are as effective as a placebo) with extensive debridement - first dx, plica syndrome, “we have no idea why this was this bad,” cleared to run again after post-op PT, pain came back even worse after ~7 months.

second dx, grade II chondromalacia patellae aka runner’s knee. told never to run again. i knew in post-op PT that something was wrong, this wasn’t the same pain as recovery previously, it felt like the underlying issue was still there. this wasn’t pain of healing, it was making something else worse. my physical therapist didn’t believe me, just kept pushing me, literally told me once that there was no way i was in that much pain. the pattern of swelling, location & sensation of pain, nerve symptoms, etc never made sense to anyone, no matter how many people they called over to poke & prod.

i don’t think i’ll ever know why, especially when he then didn’t fucking do anything with this information, but one day he had me try a lumbar extension stretch. you know the scene in the little mermaid where she’s propping her upper body up with her arms on the rock, waves crashing behind her, triumphant music? it’s basically that pose. it was both the single most excruciating and relieving thing i’ve ever done; even my chronic migraine of 2 years lessened. but we proceeded on a normative linear recovery arc, i got cleared from PT, the pain was better but still there.

flash forward four more years of intensifying pain - first my other knee, then the bottoms of my feet, then more constant and prominent in my lower back, then my upper back & worsening of the neck pain i’d been told and believed was from looking down at books/phone, what i now know as neuropathy increasing all the while - using a cane, then forearm crutches, then a forearm rollator, then a mobility scooter, spending more & more time unable to leave the bed - and i stumbled across an article about ankylosing spondylitis that matched my history fucking eerily, right down to the car crash as a younger teenager. it turns out AS commonly first presents with knee pain, not back pain, in juveniles.

so here’s what i’m gonna tell you: even if it’s “only” chondromalacia, your pain is real and serious and you should listen to your body. and, with again the mega disclaimer that you might be experiencing something totally different, i gently suggest:

read my posts about AS. read my google doc about AS. read anybody’s posts and articles about anything that originates with knee pain, especially if it involves neuropathy.

keep tabs on your body and don’t believe anyone who tells you something is normal until you’ve investigated it for yourself. does your neck hurt? how much? how often? what about your upper spine, between your shoulders? your lower back?

try a lumbar extension stretch, just in case.

if you haven’t been to a rheumatologist before and it’s at all possible for you to do so, do it. if you have a GP and can get a blood workup from them instead, do that. more info on blood testing here - but keep in mind that negative blood work doesn’t rule anything out.

if you can get forearm crutches, one hundred thousand percent do it. make sure they’re sized properly - more info on that here.

do whatever you possibly can to shore up your trust in yourself and your experiences. surround yourself with as many people as possible, in person or online, who believe your pain and make you feel solid in your knowledge of yourself. i’m a big fan of putting up signs with reminders if you can. whether you have chondromalacia, something else, or a combination, your pain is real, it is disabling, and it is in your best interest to develop strategies to cope with the systemic gaslighting that is existing within an ableist society & medical system.

if there is literally anything at all i can do to encourage you, answer questions, etc, please feel free to dm me or send another ask any time. my whole fucking heart goes out to you - you are not the only one who’s been through this, and that is both the horror & deepest relief of chronic pain. so much love to you, may you receive everything you need.

[doriantomybasil]

ok i’m ready to talk about it now and i need to vent a little. so i got a brain mri scan a couple weeks ago and the results came back from the place, the scan was reviewed by a neurologist there and it said that i had an abnormality, and because it was a private clinic my neurologist wasn’t able to review it right away, i had to give the scan results to her but i couldn’t get an appointment for a week straight because she wasn’t at the hospital and they couldn’t even tell me when she would be back

now as you would expect i was in fucking shambles i was stressed out i was fucking out of it i couldn’t think straight this was like not good not what i was expecting because they told me that with migraines they rarely find anything on mris it was just a precaution

so i called the hospital on monday and they told me that she’s in this week and then i asked for an appointment and they gave me one within the hour. so rushing to the hospital with my dad because i can’t drive, i finally was able to talk to me doctor and she said that it’s literally nothing bad, this is not what’s causing my headaches it’s an anatomical variant and it can cause neurological issues but from what she can see on the scans mine is not at all that severe, it could cause some symptoms but definitely not my headaches so she just ended up giving me a different nsaid painkiller and an eletriptan prescription

so yeah basically i was going insane for a week straight for basically nothing (i also failed an exam during this period of time so i’m gonna have to retake the course, great)

[dancing-cockroaches]

A bitch finally snapped. I have two friggin jobs plus the jobs of every doctor I go to apparently. Apparently I'm the only competent human within a 500 mile radius.

Every doctor I go to, the office staff cant tell their ass from their elbow but I'm just gonna limit myself getting pissed to what has happened in the last month alone. I had a Neurology appt. They sent a referral for MRI. Simple enough, right? No. My MRI was cancelled day of because they didnt receive all necessary clinical forms from my neurologist. I call my neurologist. Apparently I have no followup. I have a card on my desk for Jan 10th but nope, when I called back they said "nope you dont have a follow up. We can schedule you for Jan 15th" ok sure whatever I'll take it. I get transferred to some other dept to get them to send the clinicals. I leave a voicemail. Call back the next day, "oh it looks like you dont have a follow up. We are all booked for January, we have Feb 15th". Now I'm more mad, but not like I can do jack shit about it. Nevada sucks. They tell me they're going to send over the clinicals.

Two weeks later, I call the radiology office. They still havent received it. I get the fax number and call my neurologist back. They say "they need the referral?" "No, they need clinical forms" "what do they need?" Now a bitch snapped. I was ready to rip the skin off my body. Nice bitch left the building "I dont know, why dont you call them? Why am I doing your job for you? Why is nobody coordinating a simple fucking referral correctly? Do you need me to come in and do your job for you? Is that where we're at? What forms do they need.. ain't that yall job to know?"

I was especially mad because my dentist pulled some tomfoolery as well. I got work done. Very expensive work. It took several months to do, I just assumed it was all billed at once. I dont know, I only worked in a dental office for like 2 months, it's not exactly my strength. It's not my job to do their job, I thought they had it handled. I go in today, and they say "we see you didnt have insurance for two of your visits. The delta dental didnt cover two of the claims so you'd receive a large bill if we dont get updated info" (my work had to be done in different visits, and I had to pay a large amount of money so I assumed that was all I had to do on my end. Stupid, I know). I pull up my phone to find my insurance info for Feb/March. As I was leaving, it started to hit me. What the fuck?? Everytime I've worked with billing or insurance verification, it is done before every visit or at least before a very expensive visit. When I was in billing I literally checked eligibility before any claims was sent, everytime. It takes 5 fuckin minutes to do, if you dont have hot air for a brain. How the shit does this go unchecked for 10 fucking months??? Why was I not contacted about this months ago?? Do I really need to micromanage every office I see a doctor at now since this shit just keeps happening all the fucking time?? Can I never think "they should have two brain cells left to be able to properly bill my visit without oversight" ever again??

[marmotsomsierost]

(In a corner of raley's, talking with a sports med doc's office returning my call to see if i can just go see them or if i need to talk to my regular doc first.)

Me: (describing the various issues esp my left leg)

Office: how long have you had these symptoms?

Me: (laughs) the original hip thing, i dunno, 13 years? The foot like 8 months, the heel thing like 2 weeks. The new hip thing, maybe a year? The knee thing i honestly can't remember. The shoulder / arm thing is basically gone so i'm pretty sure that was just stair carry and gurney lifting being shitty. But that was about three years and it's been gone for about a year which checks out, timewise.

Office:

Office: ...and what is the reason you're calling now?

Me: the heel pain is bad pain

Office: on a scale-

Me: oh, sorry, no, not- y'know, like good pain is you're sore after a regular workout, normal pain is like you pushed yourself too hard or because you did something new or out of the ordinary like help a friend move out of a third floor apartment with no elevator so now your whole everything hurts, and bad pain is like, okay, this doesn't feel right, this is something wrong.

Office:

Me: like i tweaked my lower back on a stair carry and felt sore at the end of that shift but not like hurt, but the next morning i had to literally log-roll out of bed to crawl to the bathroom and was like 'shit i have to call dad to see if this is Bad-bad or just muscle-bad'. And i could lay prone and supine just fine it just sucked getting to those positions so it was just muscle-bad and i needed a week to not work and walk around and let it relax. The heel thing is kinda like that? And i was talking with one of our PAs and she was like '...you should get that checked out, you might need an MRI' and i went 'i mean at that rate i'd need like a whole-body MRI' and she gave me the 'don't be a dumbass' look.

Me: so i called you guys to see if i had to get referred or if i can just come to you guys first, let y'all decide what diagnostic imaging might be needed, and go from there.

Office: can you hold for a moment?

Different office voice: if the pain in your heel isn't that high, why are you more concerned about that than the longer-term, more acute pain you described?

Me: oh, well, a girl i danced with in college ruptured the extensor tendons on her left foot during one of our shows and it made me a little paranoid.

Different office voice:

Different office voice: what sort of dance? How long?

Me: that show was a mix of modern and ballet, not pointe though. But i haven't danced regularly since then, so about 20 years ago.

Different office voice: and did you stop dancing due to injury?

Me: no, the peds ortho i saw in high school was like 'you can keep skiing, volleyball, and basketball and track, or you can keep dance, but you gotta pick one or you're gonna need a knee replacement before you're out of college' and i was like 'i am not giving up mountains for dance' and quit.

Different office voice: mmm, i see. Ok, one moment-

Office voice: we'll give you a call in a few days once we've got an answer about if we can either see you without a referral or get a referral when we see you. Okay?

Me: okay, thank you!

[kikibridges13]

So I'm posting this here instead of anywhere else on the interwebs because shy of a select few friends I mutually follow from college, nobody from home, friends, family, or people at work know about this platform. And right now it's the only safe place I feel like I have.

Yesterday, I got a call from my doctor updating me on some CT results I had to get done over the weekend. Backstory: Almost 10 years ago (September 29th, to be exact) I was diagnosed with a brain tumor on the lower hemisphere of my brain - it had been a slow-growing, tangerine sized mass that had been there probably my entire life, it just had finally grown to the point it was affecting my life. Anyway, surgery was required, radiation followed, despite being benign. There was a 85% chance of it never returning. It wrecked my entire fucking life; I had been out of college 4 months at this point, and my doctor wanted me to do nothing for a year.

What a way to start your life, right?

Fast-forward 10 years. I've been married, divorced, been at a job for the last 5 years that I finally love and thinking about going back to school for social work so I can expand on my current discharge planning occupation. Been in a relationship for 4 years with the sweetest guy.

And then my dizziness symptoms return. First it was a couple of times when getting up and thought it was normal. Then I started having them completely stationary at work. So I called my doctor.

And that's what you missed on Glee!

Despite my dry attempt at humor and acting like it's not a big thing, I'm absolutely fucking terrified. After I got the call yesterday, I was shaking so back my supervisor kept asking me every 10 minutes or so if I was okay.

It seems like every time I get to a good place in my life, everything fucks up. Graduated college in 2013? Four months later, diagnosed with a brain tumor.

My first job once I was able to work at let me go the same day I decided to move in with my ex-husband.

Said ex-husband announced that he had been cheating on me pretty much our entire relationship when I suggested that we start trying to expand our family. Guess I should thank anybody out there listening that I never got pregnant by him.

Went on vacation once travel restrictions had let up post-Covid, just to wreck my car the next day.

Recently, I traded said car for a new one at the beginning of June. Got called into a department meeting a week later that our on-site call center was being removed to remote and some of us wouldn't have a job. My ever growing skill set and the fact I'm a reliable employee saved me, and I transferred to where I am now.

And now, here I am, about to maybe move in with my boyfriend, thinking of other life changes, and I get a call I've been absolutely dreading for the past 10 years.

I'm posting here because I'm absolutely terrified of what is going to come out of that neuro consult when I have to go to it. Most likely I'm going to have to do an MRI, I know that. But if they tell me another surgery? Another round of radiation? The last round damn near killed me, literally. I stopped eating, lost over 60 pounds in about 5 months, and it left me with no appetite and no will to even continue on with my life. I fought so hard to build where I am today. And I'm terrified of watching it all crumble down around me.

I'm tired of all the "thoughts and prayers" posts that now litter the post I made on the book of faces. I realize I live in the heart of the Bible Belt and there are more churches than literally anything in Southwest Virginia, but to be honest, I stopped believing in a lot of things related to religion years ago. I just need a place to feel scared for a moment, and to have my feelings valid, and to take a moment to get this all out somewhere. Because if I bottle it up, then somebody I love is going to get the brunt of this and it'll be another bridge burned to add to the pile that's been growing for the last 10 years.

[chaotic-average-child]

Mfw i realize i might need to get an MRI

So like

A while ago like early 2021 and late 2022 and parts of late 2021 i got these weird like dizzy spells where like

My body goes numb starting from my lips and that's how I knew "aw shit here we go again" so i lay down because after the first time where I just went almost entirely numb before deciding 'hey maybe i should lay down maybe that'll help ' anyway i go numb starting from my lips, then the rest of my face then my finger tips start going out then my toes as it slowly creeps up and by that point I've already layed down and close my eyes because when they're open i literally can't process anything anyway, it's all fuzzy but not blurry, i can read things but can't like i imagine similar to dyslexia? Maybe? Where i can clearly see what I'm looking at but i also can't as all the colors kinda blur into eachother (i just get that occasionally but i can't remember if i got it before or after) anyway my body slowly just numbs to the point I'm just asleep now, sometimes I'll have gotten on my bed but other times I'm on my couch or under my bed (it's a loft i swear it makes more sense if uve seen my bed there's blankets down there and it's very comfortable) anyway It reminds me of migraine in the way that I'm intentionally sleeping but it feels more like I'm going unconscious if that makes sense, one moment I'm relaxed next I'm out kinda thing and anyway usually when i wake up the numbness is gone though sometimes i wake up too early and it's only like half way gone but that's workable... Anyway one time i was awake and it was around Easter and i can't remember if this was the first or second time this happened but it was early ish and anyway i was talking w my dad when suddenly my vision just kinda cuts him out

Ignore the poor editing but it kinda looked like when you fold a dollar bill to remove the face but the darkness was there but also not, like weird way like looking through a closed eye, with the other opened. And so i joke about it with my dad and his girlfriend who react more 'what the fuck are you talking about ' and i just say 'oh yea ig it's doing that' and my body goes numb i remember arguing about something then going to the living room and just bop I'm out like a light and when i wake up I'm off the couch and feel like hell but luckily not numb or anything just chalky tongue and sweaty. Anyway this happens for like a while and i assume it's just computer sickness then way after the fact i assume i might have had a seizure session for like a year 💀 where every so once in a while i just seize but like the more i think about it the more it doesn't make sense because i don't know why I'd even seize for that while but i mean I've gotten headaches and have a history of head trauma without going to the doctor or even treating it like a concussion ever. Despite having slammed my head incredibly hard... Anyway i get dizzy still but not as much numbing as much just nausea like on Halloween I almost collapsed but that could have been from pain since i sprained my ankle but i also got dizzy nausea wise again around mid November and another time around last week and I've been sick for the past 2 weeks ish (can't miss school because they said i used up my absences which... ) Anyway i might have had a bunch of seizures that still fuck w me or I've had a stroke lmao y'know normal haha funny things anyway either way I feel like i should get an MRI just to be safe

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (224): Wed 26th Oct 2022

I had an MRI scheduled for half six in the afternoon. It was at the Spire in Washington and the last time I had to come here I went through on my motorbike. The journey went okay but you have to go on a dual carriageway and I haven't done this in the dark before and I was a bit nervous about doing so. Also I didn't want to risk it raining and getting soaked on my way there. The whole point of getting the bike in the first place because the bus companies are a bunch of cunts who don't know their arses from their elbows and the bus I needed to get to Washington only ran one service every hour so I was reluctant to get a bus to the hospital. However I figured that I could get to Washington an hour early then find a nearbyby restaurant and get some grub while listening to a podcast to run out the clock until it was time for my appointment. I think for the first time ever in the history of the universe the bus I needed actually came on time which I was over the moon for but this was the only easy ride I had for the rest of the day. I walked around Washington for a good 45 minutes without any look finding a place to eat. I finally came across a pub that was completely empty (as in no customers not as in abandonned) so I went in and asked for an orange juice. The barmaid told my it was a £10 minimum if I wanted to pay for something on my card so I asked if they did food and she said no. This right here is why the pub was empty. Who the Hell punishes people for not carrying cash? Hardly any fucker carries cash anymore and I thought that pretty much everyone was happy to exclusively use cards from now on since the government drilled into us at the start of a pandemic that the virus multiplies on surfaces and accepting a five pound note from someone was the equivilant of letting someone cough right into your face! I couldn't get my head around why this place only did food on a Sunday either.  Yeah it was dead when I went in but...maybe that's because today was a Wednesday and this place only does food on a Sunday. What kind of chef would accept a job with this place knowing his services would only be required for a few hours one day a week? That wouldn't even be enough to pay for the detergient to clean his / her whites. Anywho, I stormed out (By which I mean I walked out stoically without saying anything just like Lance STORM would) and went off to try to find anywhere to eat. I finally found a corner shop and got a couple of flapjacks for the walk to the hospital. While I was halfway through the second flapjack I dropped it on the floor and it rolled onto someones lawn. I hate litering so I picked it up and looked for a bin to deposit it but there weren't any for the entire walk to the hospital. Although I condone litering I can understand why it happens: because there aren't any fucking bins. This reminds me of King's Cross station which is usually emaculately clean but as soon as you start to journey out of that general area you notice that it is covered in a blanket of cans, wrapper and boxes. Namely because there are no bins around the station so people clearly do what I did today, hang on to it for a while until they become sick of trying to do their civic duty and instead just drop it on the ground. I wouldn't have minded so bad but I already look like a sad loner as it is. Imagine how much sadder I must have looked carrying around my half-eaten hairy pet flapjack. I finally arrived at the hospital and was called into the MRI room rather quickly. They told me that it would take about 20 minutes which is ten minutes shorter than the original one I got a year and a half ago to get my herniated disc diagnosed. They asked me if I wanted to listen to music while I was in the MRI machine and I said no because last time I had one done I just recited an entire episode of Bottom in my head and before I knew it the scan was over. They loaded me into the machine and I preparred to run through the Christmas episode of Bottom when a woman's voice came through my earphones and said "Okay I'll just start the music now" and then some shitty modern pop music started upo which I was forced to listen to for the entire procedure. I thought about squeezing the little button they give you to press incase you start to get scared of uncomfortable during the procedure but these scans are expensive and they'd probably already spent £40 just turning the fucker on and loading my fat arse into it so I didn't want to have to stop it just to reiterate that I didn't want any music. Turns out the result would have been the same had I said something or not because this machine is FUCKING LOUD! Holy shit I don't remember the last one being this god damn noisy. Ironically the vibrations caused by the sheer volume of the machine I think might have actually fixed my fucking neck. To be fair the scan went by really quickly but just as I was getting my jacket back on I heard the woman looking at the computer while the scan was taking place say that something odd had shown up on the scan. I frantically checked my jean pockets to see if I could have possibly forgot to empty something as I was told to do before I was loaded into the machine but I found nothing. I leaned my head near the open door and I heard the scanning machine opperator say that it looked like "a square with a chunk missing". At which point I realized that the half eaten flapjack was still in my shirt pocket. Seriously though I don't know what I'm hoping the doctors will find in these scans. If he tells me there's nothing wrong then at least I know there's no risk of paralysis like the last time and it's just a matter of trying to manage the discomfort but on the other hand I've been doing physio on the neck for the last year or so and haven't seen any improvement so I'm pretty convinced somethings up. Obviously I'm hoping that it's not another herniated fucking disc but to be honest I don't know what else it could be because the pain I'm in at the moment is very reminiscent of the pain I had in the lead up to the disc diagnosis.

[timemachineyeah]

This is going to be a vent post. I’m fine. It’s okay! Sometimes I just need to rage uselessly against things no one can control before once again trying to be my usual pragmatic make-the-best-of-things self.

If you do not wish to read a vent, that’s understandable. Please scroll. Okay. 😘

Jesus Charcuterie Christ I am so fucking sick of chronic illness.

I am tired of the dirty bathroom, which I cannot clean because the energy just doesn’t exist even though I want to clean it. Even though I like cleaning a bathroom! When I was a kid I used to volunteer to be the one assigned to the bathroom!

This morning I woke up and changed the litter and I think a box was heavier than I had anticipated or something but I ended up so exhausted I couldn’t really stand or move my arms. It took me twenty minutes to eat a yogurt cup. My brother came home with groceries and I couldn’t jump up to help him put them away. I wanted to get out of his hair by going back to my room but I needed to sit for another hour before I had rested enough to walk back up the stairs.

It’s not always this bad. But god, when it’s this bad I want to scream. I want to tear out the tongues of every well meaning person or doctor who’s ever told me to just slowly try to build my stamina. Have you tried yoga? You should be doing aerobic exercise to the point of not being able to speak between breaths at least three time a week! My body gives out before I can get winded. My hands shake. I can’t open the cracker box. I can barely swallow. Sometimes I can’t hold a conversation. I hate it. I hate it.

I went to the doctor in March and made a follow up appointment that was supposed to happen today, but I got a call that it was canceled and rescheduled for next month. I should be relieved because I was really going to have to push myself to get there. I was able to go back to bed. Instead I just want the doctor to see me. To hear me. To do something.

“We’re not going to be able to support you forever”, my mom tells me, at least once or twice a month. Not to be shaming. She’s just telling the truth. My parents are aging. Their income is decreasing, their health is declining, they don’t know how Dad’ll ever be able to retire but his job is actively killing him. I never know what to say. I always say, “I know”, because I know. But I also know I literally cannot do any more than I’m doing. I had to take breaks between lifting the yogurt spoon to my mouth. I had to take the stairs one at a time.

I want to do so many things. I have so many ideas, so many dreams, so many causes. I want to scream, “Mom, you more than anyone know how stubborn I am! How determined I can be!!!” I am too tired to even have big feelings. Anger and despair are both exhausting. A good mood gives me more energy, so I have become So. Fucking. Tempered. Kind. Balanced. Rosy. I can and WILL find the bright side if it fucking kills me because if I don’t it will. But even that is tiring. It’s so tiring to not be able to have the bad feelings because you know the bad feelings will cost you even more of your life.

I know this is real. I just want any other person to know it too, as surely as I do. I just wish a doctor could see it, acknowledge its truth, tell me why. Bonus points if they can make it even a little better.

I looked up the date of my first MRI, the one I got when this all started. A few weeks ago while lying on the floor between my bedroom and the bathroom I started to wonder about MS, the disease that killed my mother’s little sister. It was the first thing I suspected when this all started so it was the first thing they looked for. I looked up that MRI, and it was in 2014.

Eight years. This has been going on for eight years.

I might have them do another, on the off chance this IS multiple sclerosis and the first MRI was just too early. I was gonna ask about it today, but the appointment was canceled.

I want to clean the bathroom. Maybe I can just clean the sink. Maybe that won’t be too much.

I miss going on long walks. I used to walk ten miles in a day. Now a block wipes me out.

I am adjusting. I am accommodating myself as much as I can. I am doing my best. If it never gets better I will find a way to make the best of what I’ve got.

But eight years. God fucking dammit. I could’ve done so much. Who would possibly fake this and why. For what??? Attention? Sympathy? Where. I don’t get those things. To get out of work? Even the work I love? Even play? Even free time and friends??? I lose those things as much, if not more. I am not married, I don’t have kids - these are things I wanted! I want to date! Fuck! I’m so mad. It’s 2:30 in the afternoon on a Monday and I am sitting in my room with the lights off and all the curtains drawn around my bed typing on my phone made as dark as possible so it doesn’t strain my eyes and I would rather be doing so many other things. Instead I’m probably going to go back and forth between a video game and my bed all day. Maybe I’ll wash the sink.

It’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. But this is real. This is so real. I have lost so much. This isn’t fun for me. It’s not a game. And it should be a cry for help, because I need help, but I actually fucking hate asking for help. I just want to be able to do it myself. That’s all I ever wanted.

[heauxplesslydevoted]

Then & Now (Ethan x MC)

Summary: A particularly difficult case forces Ethan to confront a blast from his past

A/N: This popped into my head and I had too much fun writing it. I will loosely incorporate some of the themes from book 3 and make them better, but this is mostly an AU.

A/N 2: Yes I’m writing another multipart fic while actively ignoring my others. The muses spoke and I had no choice in the matter. Enjoy!

~v~

“Would you like some more coffee, Dr. Ramsey?”

Whatever line he was reading in his textbook blurs as does his vision. Ethan looks up at the face of the newest member of the team, a young resident, Isabelle. He takes the cup, not missing the way her eyes light up as he does so. What is it with residents and their incessant need to kiss-ass and be people pleasers?

“Thank you, Dr. Proctor.”

“Of course! I figured we’d need all the caffeine we could get our hands on with this case.”

Ethan doesn’t respond with words, only offering the young woman a hum in acknowledgement. Instead his eyes land on his coworker, Harper Emery. “Harper, has your team been able to come up with anything new?”

“Nothing,” Harper replies with a resigned sigh.

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“I’ve run as many tests, MRIs and CT scans as I could, and none of them came back with anything conclusive. We’re officially back to square one.”

Ethan hasn’t been this stumped in years. A week ago, a patient came to Edenbrook after waking up without being able to feel anything from the waist down. A young, relatively healthy 25 year old with no extraordinary medical history, no recent reports of any TBI, nothing. He assumed with Harper–one of the nation’s greatest neurosurgeons–on the case, that this would be a simple fix.

As painful as it is to admit, he’s wrong.

They’ve gotten nowhere with the case, they’ve made no progress, and to make matters worse, he has Leland Bloom and the board breathing down his neck because it’s been years since the team has spent more than a week on a case, so a week with no news reflects poorly on them—on him, as the team’s leader specifically.

The last member of the team, Tobias, clears his throat. “Did he ever mention getting into a fight? Maybe he took a hit to the head, and just doesn’t want to admit it?”

“Maybe, but like I said, none of the CT scans or MRIs showed me anything out of the norm,” Harper says. “I can always ask him again.”

“That’d be ideal–”

Ethan’s sentence is cut off as the door to their office is thrown open, and in walks Leland. “Hello, team!”

The most senior members of the team stay silent, but Isabelle gives a slight wave. “Hello, Mr. Bloom.”

“Dr. Proctor,” Leland greets in turn. “Nice to know at least one of you has manners.”

Ethan checks the time on his watch. “What are you doing here, Bloom?”

“Last time I checked, I owned this entire building and I didn’t need to ask your permission to be here.”

“We’re nearing midnight,” Ethan adds. “What are you still doing here, and not at home? I’m sure Mrs. Bloom would enjoy seeing you.”

Leland ignores the mention of his wife Caroline, pretending like she wasn’t mentioned at all. “I just stopped by your patient’s room to see how he was doing. And then I decided to drop by to check in with you guys. Are there any updates on the Miller case?”

“I’m not discussing patient information with you,” Ethan says.

“Well, I am your boss.”

“And until you go to medical school, graduate, become a doctor at this hospital, and join in on this case, I don’t have to tell you anything. You may own this hospital, but I do not have to discuss my patients with you.”

“Okay, so you guys have no new information,” Leland concludes.

Ethan pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance, this conversation giving him a headache even though it just started. “We were actually in the middle of a brainstorming session before we were interrupted, so if we could have some privacy again, that would be much appreciated.”

Ethan’s tone causes Leland to drop the veneer of kindness, the smile dropping from his face only for a second before he catches it. He looks away and sniffs haughtily. “Fine. I’ll check in with the patient tomorrow for a status update, since it’s clear I won’t be getting it from my employees. Thankfully, his father and I go way back.”

“I can’t stop the patient from divulging his own information.”

Leland glances around the room one more time, his gaze lingering on Ethan a bit longer than it does on the other occupants. “Goodnight, doctors.”

Once Leland leaves, Harper turns towards Ethan. “You act like it would literally kill you to be nice to him.”

“Be nice for what? Bloom thinks we owe him undying loyalty and infinite ass kissing because he bought the hospital. He’s pulled a lot of nonsense since moving into this position, but he’s not worth breaking any laws over. My patients deserve their privacy.”

“And I agree, but the extra hostility isn’t needed. The last thing we need is World War 3 with you and Bloom tearing down the hospital. Just be nice.”

“Okay, are we getting back to work or calling it a night?”

The rest of the team glances around each other. Pulling an all-nighter with Ethan while he’s in a foul mood sounds like a nightmare.

“We’re calling it a night.”

~v~

Ethan ends up falling asleep in the office, finally dozing off around 5 o'clock in the morning, surrounded by a mountain of books and the harsh light of his computer screen. The sleep is short lived though as the sound of his pager wakes him up.

He jumps up with a start, and checks the time on his watch before checking his pager. He only managed to get two hours of sleep, but he can’t dwell on that. The page is a 911 alert to his patient’s room.

“Shit!”

He takes off to the 4th floor where his patient is housed, thankful that the early morning hour means the hospital is not yet flooded with people.

Isabelle, Harper, and a nurse are already in the room when Ethan finally makes it. “What’s going on?”

“He had a seizure,” Harper explains.

“How long did it last?”

“Around 50 seconds. We administered lorazepam into his IV.”

“Could this be a new symptom?” Valencia asks. “Or something else entirely?”

Harper shrugs. “I don’t know, but I’m going to take him down to radiology for another CT scan. Hopefully this next one can actually yield some results.”

Ethan nods. “That sounds like a plan. In the meantime, Dr. Proctor, add seizures onto the list of symptoms to broaden our search criteria. Maybe that’ll help.”

“Gotcha.”

“We’ll reconvene when Tobias comes in and once we get the new CT scans back.”

There’s a knock at the door and Ethan bristles when Leland’s loud voice calls out to him. “Dr. Ramsey, can I speak to you out in the hallway?”

“With all due respect, I’d rather not.”

“It wasn’t a request, doctor. Hallway, now.”

Ethan shoots Harper a look, and she gives him a quick sympathy smile before he and Leland step out into the hallway.

They move a few feet away from the patient’s door, out of earshot before Leland lays into Ethan. “How in the hell is the patient actually managing to get worse under your care?”

The question actually takes Ethan aback. “You can’t possibly be saying his condition is my fault?”

“I’m saying he’s been here for a week now, and he’s no better off than where he was. You don’t have any information to give him or his family. Do you know how many phone calls my assistant has had to field because they want to get him transferred to a different facility?”

“We are giving him the best care possible, Leland. Just because you and his father belong to the same country club or whatever, does not mean there’ll be some instant diagnosis or treatment that he can buy...or steal. We need to do our due diligence.”

Leland is smart enough to know when a dig is being lobbed in his direction. His eyes narrow. “What are you trying to say, Ethan?”

“Exactly what I just did. Besides, why do you have such a vested interest in my team and what we do? I’m sure you have other businesses and people to micromanage these days.”

“You guys don’t make me any money yet remain my biggest cost. The least you can do is be efficient and answer my questions when I ask.”

“And like I told you last night, I know you own this place. You never let me forget it. But you buying this hospital does not mean I am here at your beck and call, now does it mean I have to be governed under anything that isn’t set forth by the American Medical Association. Now, me team is the best this hospital and this city have to offer, so back up and let us do our jobs.”

“You guys are the best?” Leland chuckles humorlessly. “Act like it. Or I’ll find someone else who can.”

The threat causes Ethan to pause. “What does that mean?”

“You heard me loud and clear, Dr. Ramsey. Loud and clear.”

~v~

“You idiot! Why on earth would you get into a fight with Bloom in the middle of a hallway?”

Ethan doesn’t try to school his bored expression as Tobias paces the entire length of the office, huffing and puffing as he does so.

“I didn’t get into a fight with him,” Ethan amends. “It was an exchange of words.”

“A loud exchange of words,” Harper adds. “In front of our patient’s room, might I add.”

“I had plans for this day to be productive, but the minute that man opens his mouth, I just–”

“We get it, you don’t like him,” Tobias interjects.

“Disliking Leland is an understatement.”

Isabelle stays silent, unable to find a good place to cut in, despite having questions. Ethan’s dislike of Leland Bloom is the hospital’s worst kept secret, but the contention has always been passive aggressive at best. And as a second year resident, she doesn’t have any background knowledge on why the relationship is the way that it is.

“I don’t like him either, but you don’t see me needling him in front of the nurse’s station!”

“Sure Leland is...obnoxious at times, but I don’t understand any of it,” Isabelle says, finally speaking up. Ethan looks at her as if he’s just now remembering that she’s been in the room the entire time. “What happened that caused this much animosity?”

Leland’s kidney disease wasn’t a major secret. Most medical personnel that worked at Edenbrook and the larger Boston area remember the huge media blitz, and all of the pomp and circumstance surrounding his hospitalization early last year. And the official story is Leland got a kidney from a family member who wished to keep their identity a secret from the public, and everyone ate it up.

Only a handful of people know the truth. That a few well placed phone calls and dollars exchanged got Leland to the top of the donor list within a day, stealing a second chance from the true person at the top of the list: a 14 year old girl.

“So long as there is breath in my body, Leland Bloom and his ilk will never get an ounce of respect from me, and I’ll just leave it at that,” Ethan says cooly. “And that’s all you need to know, Dr. Proctor.”

“Okay.”

“I’m just saying man, Bloom is petty,” Tobias adds. “Men like him, who think the rest of us should bow at their feet, don’t take kindly to getting told off, especially in public. Underneath the billions is a tiny ass, fragile ego. Can you just keep a low profile and be quiet for the next day or two, so Bloom doesn’t dismantle this team?”

“I’ll be as cordial as Bloom is,” is what Ethan settles upon. “Nothing more, nothing less.”

The only thing that can rival Ethan’s intelligence is his stubbornness. Tobias knows it’s the best he’s going to get out of Ethan, so he relents. “Okay.”

“Good. Now can we get back to work and stop talking about Bloom?”

His team nods and Ethan sighs in relief.. They still have a chance to turn things around and actually have a good day.

They fall into a productive routine, tossing around different theories, sharing research and narrowing down ideas. Too bad that only lasts for about half an hour before there’s a knock at the office door. A few seconds later, Naveen pokes his head in.

Ethan smiles because part of him was expecting Leland to show up again. “Naveen, this is a nice surprise! Don’t tell me you’re ready to get back in the saddle.”

Naveen laughs good-naturedly at his mentee. “Not quite.”

“Well what brings you down here?”

“I wanted to talk to you for a second, Ethan,” Naveen says.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes. It’s not about me, it’s work related. Team related news, that I wanted to tell you personally,” Naveen explains, fully entering the office. “Is there any way I could steal you for a few minutes?”

“If it involves the team, I think we can have the conversation here. Is this about my...spirited discussion with Leland?”

“No, it’s about the case you’re working on.”

“Now I know we don’t usually work on cases for this long, and we’re working on it.”

“I know. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Leland has some concerns about how long it’s taking you guys to treat this patient, and he told me that he wants to outsource some extra help to speed things along.”

“No thank you.”

“He’s already made phone calls. I’m just here to give you a heads up about who he picked.”

“A heads up?” Ethan scoffs and rolls his eyes. Who on earth could Leland think of reaching out to that Ethan would need a warning about? “Who is he asking for? Mendoza from MK? Catherine Morgan from Stanford? The Boogeyman?”

“I don’t think I’ve reached Boogeyman levels of infamy. Well, at least not yet.”

The voice makes the hair on the back of Ethan’s neck stand up. It’s a voice he hasn’t heard in close to three years, one that he thought he’d never hear again.

His eyes snap up, locking with the large brown ones staring back at him, and all of the breath leaves his lungs at once. The last time he looked into these eyes, they weren’t full of humor like they are now, but pure fire. His chest constricts, inhaling suddenly the most difficult task in the world.

The entire room goes silent, everyone watching as Ethan and the woman stay locked in their staring contest. Isabelle’s eyes dart back and forth, hoping someone can clue her into what’s going on, but Naveen, Harper and Tobias offer zero assistance.

Isabelle takes the quiet time to appraise the stranger. She’s petite, almost a foot shorter than Ethan even with her sky high Jimmy Choos on. The second thing that catches her attention is the mess of dark curly hair spilling over her shoulders, and the amused smirk on her face, like a cat that got the canary.

The woman breaks eye contact with Ethan to look past his shoulder. “Harper, Tobias, hello. Long time no see.”

When he regains the ability to speak, Ethan grits out, “Naomi, what on earth are you doing here?”

“I got an interesting call from Leland Bloom this morning, saying that the diagnostics team was in dire need of some assistance on a particularly difficult case. Within the hour, his private helicopter was picking me up.”

Ethan takes a sterling’s breath and silently counts to 3 before talking again. “I’m not working with you.”

“You don’t have a choice. Not unless you quit.”

“Don’t tempt me.”

Naomi rolls her eyes. “Drama was never a good look on you, darling, I was always better suited for it.” She turns her attention to the young resident gawking at her, turning on her megawatt smile. “You’re new. I don’t know you.”

“Um, n-no you don't. I’m Dr. Isabelle Proctor.”

“Isabelle,” Naomi repeats slowly, letting it roll off of her tongue. “What a pretty name.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m Dr. Naomi Ramsey.”

The last name catches her attention. Her eyes flicker over to Ethan’s face, catching the way his jaw ticks as female Dr. Ramsey talks.

“I can see the wheels turning in your head as I talk, so I’ll clear things up for you right quick,” Naomi continues. “No, the last name thing isn’t a coincidence. I’m Ethan’s ex-wife." She sticks out a hand for Isabelle to shake. "Nice to meet you.”

~v~

Tags: @openheartfanfics @mvalentine @choicesaddict5 @professorkingslay @maurine07 @aka-calliope @bluebellot @whimsicallywayward15 @blossomanarchy @takemyopenheart @jamespotterthefirst @fanmantrashcan @whatchique @ao719 @x-kyne-x @paulfwesley @the-pale-goddess @writinghereandthere @ramseyandrys @perriewinklenerdie @aworldoffandoms @thatcatlady0716 @drakewalker04 @canknot @hatescapsicum @lapisreviewsstuff @senseofduties @badchoicesposts @ethandaddyramseyx @chasingrobbie @zodiacsign1 @choices-lurker @my-heart-beats-for-ya @adrian-motherfucking-raines @riverrune @edith-eggs1 @cecilecontrera @thatysn @bellcat2010 @blainehellyes @junehiratas @choices-love-affair @openheart12 @desmaranj @nazario-sayeed @aestheticartsx @ruinedbypixels @nooruleman @rookie-ramsey @uneravine @choicest

[unforth]

…okay I don’t think I’m going to manage another prompt fill today, my brain just won’t boot, but I guess that means this is as a good a time as any to explain what the fuck is going on. I’ve already talked about it on like three of my Discord servers but I know I have a lot of mutuals on here who aren’t in any of those servers so.

I’ve been having issues with my back on and off since my mid 20s. I didn’t have insurance then so I didn’t do anything about it, and when I did get insurance at 31 it wasn’t a priority. However, after I had a really bad flare up while I was pregnant with our second kid, it became a higher priority. When I had another flare up and wasn’t pregnant, so I could actually get testing, I went to an ortho urgent care. They did an x ray, said nothing was wrong, and told me I should get painkillers. So I went to my PCP, said I thought I needed an MRI, and they said that would never get approved by insurance and they sent me to PT. That was about 3.5 years ago. I did the PT but since my flare ups never lasted more than 6 weeks, and the PT was a six week course, obviously I was “cured” by the PT, so every time I had a flare up any attempt at care was met with, “go to PT.” And considering that first round of PT 1. Didn’t help and 2. Cost me $750 out of pocket cause insurance didn’t cover it…yeah I didn’t do that. My flare ups got more and more frequent, from once every few years in my 20s, to once every year, to more than once a year. This year, one last winter never fully faded.

By summer I had steady low level pain and stiffness but I could manage through it so I just ignored it. That started intensifying in October, and I thought it was a full new flare by November, except the pain was different than past flares - more intense, more constant, much harder to ignore and work through. It also had a strong radiating sciatic component that was fucking ow. And it got steadily worse. I spoke to my PCP about a month in; she offered PT and I said no. She got me naproxon for pain and baclifen as a muscle relaxer. It didn’t help. She told me if it didn’t fade in six weeks I should call again. Which I did, a few days before Christmas, when it was clear that far from fading, it was getting steadily worse. I couldn’t stand long enough to do the dishes without incapacitating pain; Christmas night I drove my mom home and couldn’t make my foot depress enough to press the brake. That was. Well it’s a good thing moms house is only a few minutes away. I haven’t driven since then cause I have only gotten worse. She referred me to a specialist I chose because of their good reputations and my wife’s knowledge of them,

I talked to the specialist about everything last Thursday, and finally, after four years of me telling any doctor I could that I thought I needed an MRI, I had my first ever MRI on Monday. The specialist also gave me much better meds, which at least have meant I slept; by the night before my appointment I was in so much pain that sleep was literally impossible; I spent the night curled in a ball on the couch playing Minecraft and wishing any position would hurt less cause I was so tired. (I’d hardly slept three other nights that week for similar reasons).

Anyway, yesterday I had my follow up with the specialist to discuss the MRI results and, uh. I guess my first appointment I didn’t do a great job of explaining just how much pain I was in, because she was very much talking about PT and related treatment. After looking at the MRI she said, I’m going to see if the surgeon is available to speak to you literally right now (unfortunately, he wasn’t). She still hedged bets and said the surgeon might not recommend surgery, but after she said that she spent the entire rest of the appointment discussing surgery so. She clearly thinks I need surgery. I have a herniated bulging disc between my L4 and L5 vertebrae which has caused spinal stenosis, which is leading to the pain, tingling, growing weakness, etc. in laymens terms, the disc is all fucked up and it’s pressing on my spinal cord. It’s basically just a matter of time now before I start to risk permanent nerve damage (I’m not there yet but could easily get there). I wasn’t even able to get an appointment with the surgeon yet, because his regular calendar is full for weeks out, and they need to talk to his secretary to see if he can squeeze me in much sooner, but she won’t be back in the office until Monday. In the meantime, she gave me a list of conditions that, should I meet any of them, I should immediately go to the ER, tell them what’s going on, and the surgeon on call would do the surgery instead (the spine folks I saw are part of the hospital, and the four surgeons they have are the four on call surgeons at the ER, and they’re all good, so this isn’t going to get me worse care). She also made it sound like, given staff shortages caused by Covid and scheduling issues also caused by Covid, there was a pretty high chance I’d have to use the ER option.

All of which is to say, I need major surgery on my back and I’ve been in continual pain for about 2 months.

I’m currently on ludicrous amounts of medication, and yesterday she added prednisone to the mix, and that’s what’s just. Completely knocking me out. I was doing okay before that but today I really am just reverting to my natural boneless blob state on the couch…and I’m still in pain and can hardly stand.

I have no idea when my surgery will be, since I could theoretically meet one of the “go right now” criteria at any time. We’ve made what arrangements we can, and will be making more as we’re able, but…yeah. It’s a lot. I’m actually relieved about the surgery itself, since I’ve been dealing with this for so long, and I’ve been so sure I had a herniated disc and that I’d need surgery to fix it, and sure enough I was right, and if they’d listened to me sooner, I might not be in this mess now, but oh well. The surgery has a very high success rate and if I do PT and stuff after odds are I’ll be pain free and back to 100% once I’m through the recovery, so this isn’t a bad thing, I mostly just wish I could fucking get it over with again.

I am. So tired.

(I also can’t sit at my computer literally at all anymore; I’m doing everything from my iPad rn, which is why everything I write is full of typos and weird auto corrects, and I’m sorry.)

(This is also why I’m behind in literally everything I’ve said I’ll do. I’m sorry. I’m trying.)

[duckprintspress]

General Update

It occurs to me that I haven't spoken much on our business Tumblr about certain things going on in the background of running this Press. Usually, on Sundays, we try to post an informational post about writing, a prompt list, or some other significant content, but that's been noticeably absent the last few weeks, and here's why.

Hi, I'm unforth/Claire/Nina Waters, any pronouns (I don't care if people default to she/her, which most do), and I own this Press. I'm 39, enby, aroace, mother of two, and queer platonic married to ramblingandpie. And I've had problems with my back on and off for almost 15 years. In the last 4 years that's very much been more "on" than "off," and in the last year it's been continually "on." Over the summer, it lingered at a constant 2-or-so on a ten scale where 9 is "giving birth without painkillers," which I have done. Twice. Over the early fall, it was bad enough that I started getting help lifting and moving things. In November, it went into precipitous decline, and I started to get alarmed.

Early December, my doctor said "give it six weeks, see if it goes away on it's own." Spoilers, it didn't. I saw a specialist, finally, on December 30th, and they immediately sent me for an MRI (I'd been trying to get my PCP to send me for an MRI for 4 goddamn years). A week and a half ago I saw the specialist again, and we reviewed the MRI results, and basically, one of my discs is bulging and pinching my spinal cord (less basically, the disc between my L4 and L5 vertebrae is herniated and causing spinal stenosis and radiating sciatic pain down my right leg). At this point, even on massive amounts of painkillers and anti-inflammatory meds, I can't drive and can hardly walk right now - I get about 5 minutes on my feet before the pain is too excruciating and I have to sit and rest for 5 to 10 minutes before I can do more - and I also can't sit at my desktop computer at all. And, the meds make me tired and dizzy. The specialist said I should see a surgeon, and while she hedged her bets and suggested there was a chance I wouldn't surgery, she also considered the case urgent enough that she tried to flag the surgeon down in the hallway and have him see me immediately, and spent the rest of the appointment discussing surgery like it was a foregone conclusion. But I couldn't make an appointment with the surgeon, because his secretary was out with Covid...and by the time she got back on Monday, the surgeon had also caught Covid, and is out for two weeks, as is another of the 4 total surgeons that the Spine Clinic at the local hospital employs.

I'm seeing one of the ones who DOESN'T have Covid on Wednesday, and again, while there's a chance I don't need major back surgery, it's a very small chance. Based on our research and knowledge and what the pain specialist said (my wife has medical expertise too), we think the only real question on Wednesday will be how soon they're able to schedule it, considering how bad Omicron is spreading here. The MRI indicates that right now I'm literally continually, potentially, a moment a way from catastrophic nerve damage. Like, if something twinges wrong, I could end up incontinent for the rest of my life, or with permanent leg weakness, or even theoretically paralysis, and I have a list of circumstances under which I'm supposed to go to the ER immediately and have the surgery with the on-call surgeon (who will be one of those same two who don't have Covid, I feel bad for them they must be SO overworked right now, what a mess). It'd be a huge surprise if I don't have surgery within the next week or two - we've been planning as if it's a foregone conclusion, and I have a go-bag ready for the ER, because it really is that serious - and once I do, recovery is about 6 weeks of bed rest, followed by months of PT and the slower healing that just takes time.

All that said, post-op success rates on this surgery (I believe it's a laminectomy?) are very high - if I follow all the medical instructions, I should heal back to 100%, unless I've already got nerve damage (which is unfortunately possible but. What can ya do?). Even then, surgery should heal the pain, and I'll just have leg weakness.

All of which is to say...since early November I've been dealing with some pretty damn major health problems. Especially challenging has been my inability to sit at my computer, because that's where I do most of my writing and all of my graphic work and editing.

I know I'm over-sharing personal things here, and I'm sorry about that - I've tried to hold off on sharing it at all, this has been going on for almost 10 weeks, but I think we've reached the point where the health issues are major enough, and the impact it has on the business is visible enough, that it's better for me to simply disclose. I'm not looking for pity; I'm trying to make clear why the business is behind on certain things we'd said are imminent.

Our goal is to have this impact the business as little as possible, but since I'm our only full time employee, and our primary coordinator for major projects, there's simply a lot we can't do when my work time is greatly reduced by health issues. The good news is, once it became clear how serious this was, I used basically the business's entire rainy day fund to buy a nice laptop, so I'm now able to work from the couch (which is about the only place I can sit comfortably). That's how I'm typing this update - the laptop arrived on Wednesday and I've spent the days since getting it set up to do all the things I usually do from desktop, which means I can move forward on some of the things we had to delay.

Specific implications of all the above, as applied to our current projects:

1. The And Seek (Not) to Alter Me Kickstarter is temporarily delayed. We'll make an announcement (and finally do the cover reveal!!) once we can plan a specific timeline for launch - hopefully, we'll know that in about a week, after I've spoken to the surgeon. In terms of our actual preparedness for launch...I'm behind on my share of the editing, but all the stories have had at least one editing run, and about half are ready for immediate publication. The art is also all ready. We have all the merchandise art ready, and some are in the printing templates. The Kickstarter copy is complete written and edited and has been approved by KS (like, from that standpoint, we could literally launch right now), but only 4 out of the 6 graphics we need are completed; I'm hoping to finish the rest imminently, so that as soon as my health allows and I know I'll be recovered enough to manage the KS fulfillment (which involves a LOT of box lifting, which is impossible for me right now) we can hit the "launch" button.

2. There are no delays in review of applications for He Bears the Cape of Stars and She Wears the Midnight Crown. We've already finished reviewing the applications from "returner" applicants (people who have written with us before on one of our two anthologies or have done a Patreon story with us) and have a preliminary list of accepted authors (no one will be notified until we're done reviewing all applications). Our team doing the review (myself, A. L. Heard/jhoom, Alessa, P. J. Claremore/Foop, K. B. Vimes, and Lacey Hays/Owlish) are about halfway done with the mlm applications and a quarter through the wlw - I personally am a reader for every applications and I'm finished with the mlm and will be starting the wlw ones today. All of which is to say, we're making good progress and do not anticipate a delay - we still expect to notify all applicants of their acceptances or rejections by January 31st.

3. The two novels I'm supposed to edit - one by A. L. Heard, the other by Tris Lawrence - I've been unable to make progress on, so these are currently delayed, and the authors are in the loop and know.

4. We're a little behind on Patreon backer rewards, specifically the Patron-exclusive stories. However, we're working on catching up, and we anticipate that (hopefully) by the end of February, we'll have published all the backlog and caught up. Other Patreon rewards have not been impacted.

5. There's a few other things that were in the works when this all started but that we hadn't publicly announced yet...those are, as would expect, on hold. (As a teaser for anyone dedicated enough to have read this far...this includes our first erotica title and an erotica imprint to go with it, with it's own logo and sub-website on our main page, and our plans for our fifth anthology, and a call for manuscript submissions, and more!)

As we see it...these are uncertain times for everyone even without "extra" things happen, and something like this health issue couldn't have been predicted. However, nothing has changed in terms of our commitment to Duck Prints Press and all we set out to do. We truly appreciate your patience and understanding as we, and I especially, get through this. We're striving to catch up and get back to "normal," and we can't wait to share with you all the amazing things that we've been working on. And Seek (Not) to Alter Me is a.may.zing, y'all, and the submissions pitches for the two new anthologies are blowing our socks off. Seriously, we're so excited.

Stay tuned - there's so, so, SO much more to come!

[vtforpedro]

health update - long post

hi everyone! I think it's been a month and a half or so since my last update I saw a rheumatologist, had MRIs done, and got my results back from my hematologist SO cancer: still undetectable in my blood, check every 3 months and hope it doesn't show up for a long time lol \o/ I don't think I can say I'm in remission until a certain amount of time has passed but I hope I can say that one day MRIs: actually show some possible improvement with the chiari and spinal fluid flow? and if there IS improvement (like the radiologist who wrote the report had the MRI from a year ago as reference and his findings were all 'normal' compared to april 2020, but it was hard to get an answer out of my neurologist and neurosurgeon if there was solid evidence of physical improvement). but yeah IF there's improvement, that is highly indicative of IIH because my neurosurgeon told me when people with IIH lose weight, the chiari often corrects itself because there's less pressure and more room in the skull for the cerebellar tonsils to be in a normal position. regular chiari that you're born with doesn't do that lol so if there IS improvement with weight loss, then yeah, IIH. even if they don't wanna put in the diagnostic code for it without a lumbar puncture sigh lol I hate typing this because I'm so paranoid it'll all go to shit if I talk about it, but there have been improvements as I've lost weight. I seem to have a couple weeks where my head isn't so severe, mostly manageable with a few awful days. then I'll have a few weeks of it being Really Really bad with a few not-so-awful days. which IIH can do this sort of 'remission' thing but considering it was like 24/7 with no breaks for a year I'd say this is moving in the direction I want it to completely changed my diet a handful of months ago and adjusting it still to be even healthier/more fulfilling. I started using the Noom app (paid sub version) cause it's so focused on psychology instead of 'dieting' and building habits that are sustainable in the long, long-term. I really love it so far. the routine of doing it at the same time every day has already made me feel better mentally about my weight loss journey despite my struggles with losing weight, I am officially down 20lbs \o/ they say for improving/curing IIH, you need to lose 10-20% of your body weight. well, 10% down! time to lose another 20, but I don't find it intimidating and I'm not dreading it. it's hard to have hope, especially on really bad weeks, but I'm taking it one day at a time. definitely not cured but I'm aiming for 40lbs more (so 60 altogether) and by then, maybe, just maybe.... rheumatologist/autoimmune disorder results: so I went to a rheum cause I got that positive autoimmune disorder blood test with the possibility of lupus or scleroderma. she said that she gets so many hematology patients because leukemia and lymphoma have blood antibodies, so it will almost always show up as positive on this antibody test and most people actually won't have an additional autoimmune disorder. I don't have a lot of symptoms of lupus or scleroderma according to her, so she told me don't worry about autoimmune disorders for three months. don't think about them. we'll repeat labs then and see what they say. so that's good news so far and I hope it remains that way 15%+ of the population will test positive on the same test without having any health issues, which I found interesting. and I asked since I already have an autoimmune disorder, tho it's endocrine versus rheumatic, if that would also trigger a positive result and she said yes it would! so yeah... I hope by late July I can still say I don't have an additional autoimmune disorder I see a gastroenterologist tomorrow for the bloating/abdominal pain and other stuff I've been having. I have a feeling I'll be given some antacids (or w/e they're called when it's prescription strength) and that will improve. but jfc I'm up to eight specialists now lol NINE doctors are following my health god it's such a shitty feeling especially when I can barely trust any of them. at

least they all believe me now, but it cost me my quality of life and mental health to even get to this point so I'm still feeling pretty fucking bitter and angry about it all you know what's really hard about completely changing my diet + starting new medications/supplements? for some reason at the beginning of all of this when I was experiencing repeated trauma at the ER, my brain developed a phobia of allergic reactions, despite the fact that I've never had one for food/medicine (I'm talking anaphylactic reactions). so now every single new thing I eat, every new med or supplement, I go through panic attacks for days on end thinking I'm going to die before it starts easing. also, anxiety makes your throat feel like it's closing up and that it's harder to breathe already so lmao fun times. I literally never thought about this in all my life and I never even experienced an allergic reaction to develop this intense fear, so you know. fuck doctors for putting me through this when it was all so unnecessary sigh anyway. still can't watch videos, tv, movies, read, bend over, walk for longer than 5 minutes, and can't talk for long either because it'll trigger a head episode. I'm terrified I won't be able to do these things ever again, but I'm still aiming for my goal weight no matter what and I know I can get there bouncing between misery and hopelessness, and slightly less misery and some hope right now, but I guess that's better than it's been for a year, right? sorry for rambling. I feel like a lot has gone on but I've also had the biggest gaps between doc appts in a while which is a relief just because I can't stand being in medical buildings or around doctors anymore completely vaccinated too, so that's another relief, but I'm wearing masks until americans get their heads out of their asses and we start seeing little to no community spread cause I am still immunocompromised. wouldn't it be nice if people like, idk, cared about each other ok sorry! I hope you're all well and healthy and safe. I love you very much and I'm grateful for your support, forever and always! <3

[myhockeyworld87]

Bubble Wrapped - Part 11

Word Count: 3,827

POV: Reader

Warnings: Same as always, Language, Smut, NSFW, Please see the note in the Masterlist

Teams: Bruins, Caps, Flyers, Lightning, Pens, Jackets, Canes, Islanders (more to come)

Notes: You guys have spoken and so here it is the next part of Bubble Wrapped. The new Jamie Benn series RUINED will be out on Thursday.As always feedback is greatly appreciated and wanted...hahaha! Luv ya all!! Happy Reading to all!

The elevator door opened and you walked with Dougie, Joel, and Svech to your suite. All you could think about was how you were going to live with these three for the next few days. They were extremely easy on the eyes, not to mention the comment you swore you heard Edmundson say in the elevator, had you wondering if he'd be sneaking into your bedroom. Not that you were opposed to that, but the bedrooms were kind of close together so the other two would know what was going on. That was unless they were all in there with you.

 Oh god, you needed to get your mind out of the gutter. You opened the door, inviting them all in. "I'll be sure to have keys made for you guys for the next couple of days." Though if you had to guess Carly was probably already taking care of that as you spoke. "So I'll give you a quick tour. This is the living room, obviously, and over there is the dining room." You pointed out each thing as you went. "The bar is fully stocked, but please don't drink all my pinot noir." The last thing you needed was them showing up to a game drunk and their coach reading you the riot act, but they were grown men and it wasn't like you were going to lock up all the alcohol as if they were teenagers. Well, on second thought, maybe you should after what they did to your hotel room. "This is the kitchen. If there's something special you want, just write it down and I'll have the staff bring it up."

 Svech opened the refrigerator doors and took a peek inside. "Man, you've got cookie dough ice cream in here!" It wasn't something that you indulged in every night, but there were times that you just needed a couple scoops to get through the week.

 "If there's another kind you like, just let me know." You told him and his face lit up like a child on Christmas morning. "Now, if you want to follow me upstairs; I'll show you your rooms." They trailed after you and you felt like a mama duck with her ducklings. "This door right here will take you to the rooftop pool, but please don't go up there if it's not your team time." The last thing you need was someone being pushed off the roof or some such nonsense. "This is my room." Joel craned his neck inside and damnit if you didn't blush as one of your bras was laying on top of the bed from when you were getting ready this morning. You tried to keep them moving down the hall. "Over here is the room with the king and then this one has the two queen beds. Your stuff should be up in a few minutes, but feel free to make yourself at home. I'm going to have to get back to work and clean up the mess that you made."

 "We're really sorry," Dougie told you, with a sad look in his eye. It was really hard to be mad at someone when they were being somewhat adorable at the same time.

 "I know, it's fine, but please tell me what the hell you guys were doing that you broke a water pipe."

 The three of them exchanged glances debating on whether or not to spill the beans, while you tried to give your best impression of your mother. It was the look she always gave you when you did something wrong that just made you so guilt ridden that you finally confessed all your sins. Svech, being the baby of the group, finally couldn't take it. "You see we have a game tonight against Boston," he explained as if that was supposed to be the answer. When he didn't say anything more, you crossed your arms across your chest and just waited. "Anyhow…we heard that Pastrnak's room was above Joel's here. We thought we could interrupt his sleep and maybe throw off his game."

 Oh my god, you had to be kidding. Did these three really think that something like that would work? From the look on their faces, the answer was a resounding yes. "What about you guys? Wouldn't you be missing sleep as well?" They all looked at you dumbfounded as if that never occurred to them. God, athlete's were really didn't think sometimes, did they? "So I take you were banging on the ceiling a little too hard with the hockey stick that I saw?"

 "Yeah," Joel answered sheepishly for the group. "Again, we're really sorry."

 "Well, please don't let it happen in this room. I'd like to keep my job."

 "No, never," Dougie told you.

 "Besides, we're on the top floor. We couldn't annoy anyone if we tried." Svech added. Obviously, he didn't include you in that anyone part.

 "Well, I need to get back to work." Just then there was a knock on the door and you took off downstairs to answer it. It was a couple of bellhops with all their luggage. "The guys will show you what rooms to put it in. Thank you two for coming up so fast with all this stuff. I'm off to the lobby, if you need anything just give me a call."

 "Will do," you heard the trio say as you headed out the door.

 "Oh, and one more thing. No parties up here."

 "You got it, boss." This time you weren't sure if it was the bellhops or your new roommates calling out to you as you shut the door behind you.

 The day went fast, as you were helping Carly find parts to fix the room as well as trying to get all new furnishings in. You literally had a small window of time you were working with. Thankfully, you still had some new mattresses tucked away, when you changed some of the queen beds to king-size. It was the dressers and televisions that you needed to get in, as well as new flooring. Before you knew it, the night shift was taking over and you were headed up to your room.

 The guys were still playing game three and the suite was quiet as you entered. Last you heard they were losing but you hadn't been able to see any of it on television. You hurried upstairs and changed into some comfy clothes, before putting the game on. It was in the third period and the Canes had the puck in the offensive zone. You were too busy following the puck to see exactly what happened, but then the whistle blew and you saw him laying on the ice. Players often went down and then only seconds later got back up and were back ready to play, so you tried not to think the worst, but then they replayed what actually happened. What you couldn't decide was whether it was Svech's knee or ankle that seemed to totally snap as he fell. Your stomach dropped and you couldn't even watch it again, as the camera seemed to zoom in. Trainers dashed onto the ice to take care of him until they finally helped carry him off; Svech not putting any weight on his leg. You weren't sure if he'd be back tonight or not, it was obvious that he needed to go to the hospital to be evaluated, but he was definitely going to need someone to take care of him when he did get back.

 It was a couple hours later when Dougie and Joel came in, neither of them knowing how Svech was doing at the moment, only saying that he was getting scans and MRIs done. They were both mentally and physically exhausted and everyone headed to bed, including you. It was about one-thirty in the morning that you woke up, your brain in a slight sleep fog as you remembered you forgot to set the coffee pot to have your morning brew ready. Let's face it you weren't a functioning human being until at least one cup of caffeine in the morning, well unless you were greeted by a certain smiling hockey player when you rolled over. Quickly, you darted out of your room and down the stairs. You fumbled with the coffee maker for a few minutes in the dark before setting everything up for auto-perk, then went to head back up to your room.

 You'd just stepped into the living room when a figure in white moved on the couch. "Jesus!" you gasped, not sure if you were asking for his help or seeing his spirit move in your suite. As your eyes finally adjusted to the dim light, you could make out that it was Joel squishing his large frame on the sofa. "What are you doing down here?"

 "I couldn't sleep." He mumbled, punching at his pillow before throwing it behind his head in hopes of finding some sort of comfortable position. His gaze lingered on your body a little longer than necessary and it was then that you realized you were only in a cutoff t-shirt and a thong. You hated wearing sleep pants to bed as your legs always got overheated and, in your haste, to get the coffee ready, you hadn't thought to put any on.

 "Is something wrong with the room?"

 "God, no," he was quick to tell you. "It's just…" he seemed to hesitate, so you took a step closer, knowing that it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do given your lack of dress, but you wanted him to know that he could talk to you. "I rolled over and saw Svech's empty bed and kept thinking about how he went down. Thought if I came down here, I could maybe get some shut-eye."

 "How's that working out?"

 He obviously knew you were teasing, as he gave a light chuckle. "Not so bad." His eyes looked you up and down again, and the sympathy you had for him a moment ago, almost vanished.

 "Oh good, then I'll just head back up to my room if you're all comfy."

 "Wait," he said stopping you even though you were kidding. There was no way you were going to let this nearly six-and-a-half-foot body, fit on that tiny couch all night. "Does this thing pull out or something? This couch is actually kind of small."

 "Well, no it's not a pullout. I was actually going to offer my bed to you." His eyes got huge at your suggestion and he started to grab his pillow and sit up. "I'll just take your bed if you don't care."

 "Oh, no I can't let you do that. I'm fine here." Fluffing the pillow back up he threw it behind his head. His frame curling up as best he could on the sofa.

 "Don't be an ass, and take my bed."

 "What kind of gentlemen would I be, if I did that?" Was he just trying to be difficult now or nice; you couldn't really tell?

 "Seriously, you'll be all cramped up if you sleep down here. Now, get your butt upstairs."

 "We could share your bed." Ah, so there it was, the real reason, he wouldn't take your bed. "I promise no funny business." He sounded like your grandmother when he put it like that.

 "If it lets us both get some sleep, then sure." Joel jumped up off the couch as if he hadn't been curled up in a ball on it, grabbing his pillow and following your up the stairs. Once ensconced inside the room, you shut the door before asking, "Which side do you want?"

 "Doesn't matter." You went to crawl in the under the right side of the covers and heard him make a noise, obviously distressed that you'd chosen that side.

 "You could've just said you wanted this one," you teased him, then scooted over to the left side of the bed.

 "I'm trying to be accommodating."

 Turning, you faced the middle of the bed. The fact that it was a California king meant that even with how tall Joel was there was still enough room between the two of you to fit another person. "Goodnight," you whispered over, closing your eyes and wondering if he'd make any sort of move on you.

 "Night," you heard him as he lay facing you. You were almost asleep when you felt him shift, not wanting to open your eyes to see if it was closer to you or if he actually just turned over. Instead, you laid there and waited, and were surprised when nothing happened. Sneaking a quick peek told you that he was laying on his back. You took a moment to take in his well-chiseled form; arms well defined from lifting weights you assumed, a smattering of chest hair barely noticeable in the moonlight, and that indent leading to a happy trail which was covered by blankets. If he didn't do something soon, you were pretty sure you were.

 He moved again, this time presenting you with his back. "Is something wrong?" you called over, and he flipped back once again. Thank god this wasn't a waterbed or you'd have been seasick.

 "Hmm," he mumbled. "No…sorry." You opened your eyes then, and he was just laying there staring at you. "God, you're beautiful...sorry…I promised nothing…" You didn't let him finish, as you scooched over and planted a kiss on his lips. It didn't take long for it to turn into something heated as his tongue quickly sought entrance into your mouth. His hands slipped up under your shirt so he could cup your breasts. The globes molding perfectly in his large hands. A moan escaped your lips as he tweaked each nipple and you felt a rush of wetness go straight to your core.

 You slid your hands down his chest, raking your nails over his abs and causing him to shiver. Joel gathered the hem of your shirt, then lifted it over your head, tossing it somewhere in the bedroom. Pushing his boxers down, you palmed the length of him, and god was there length to him. He hissed out his pleasure as you slid your hand up and down his shaft.

 His hand slithered into your panties; his fingers toying with both your clit and pussy. "So wet," he breathed out and you took the opportunity to push him down so he lay on his back. You quickly disposed of the flimsy garment that was your underwear, before straddling his hips and positioning his cock at your core. Leaning down you touched your lips to his as you slowly sunk down on him.

 Once he was buried fully inside you, you broke the kiss. Whispering for him to be quiet as you started to rock back and forth. Grabbing the headboard for leverage, your body moved up and down on his length. Joel's hand went straight to your hips, helping you find a rhythm that both of you enjoyed. It didn't take long to find a pace that had you both worked up. "Don't stop baby." He hissed out, then took one hand and started to rub your clit. Your back arched and you felt the hand on your hip slide up to cup your breast as you rode him. His hips were rising to meet you now and with the flicking motion on your clit, you could feel the orgasm start to build. Your pussy started to spasm, squeezing his cock as you climaxed. "Fuck," he moaned and flipped you on your back mid-orgasm. Joel, grabbed your hips pinning you to the bed as his cock pistoned in and out of you, as he thoroughly fucked your pussy, and though you'd just climaxed seconds ago, you felt another bursting to the surface. Your legs started to tremble and you clasp them around Joel's waist holding on for dear life. His head dipped down to your shoulder and he softly bit you there as he thrust a few more times before spending deep within you. His arms were shaking with an effort to remain upright and not just topple on you, but he managed to kiss you quickly before rolling back onto his side of the bed.

 You laid there, chest heaving as you tried to catch your breath. Fuck, had you ever orgasmed so close together like that before? There wasn't a time that came to mind, well except when Tyler was playing with that vibrator, but that really didn't count. Joel was like some sort of sex god, and you had to wonder if you had sex again would it be just as good? Hopefully, you'd find out tomorrow night or the next for that matter, but for now, you needed to not act like the man had just given you one of the best orgasms of your life. You rolled onto your side to face him, propping your head on your hand. "Think you'll be able to sleep now?"

 He laughed at the comment, still a bit out of breath. "Oh yeah," he responded finally, though he padded out of bed to the bathroom and you heard him splash some water on his face, before coming back in with a wet washcloth to clean you up. Joel pulled the covers back, then gently spread your legs, before wiping your thighs and then your pussy. It was all rather intimate but after what the two of you had just done, nothing seemed off-limits. He tossed the cloth, back in the bathroom, then crawled back into bed, bringing the blankets up around both of you, before scooting closer to you and tucking you into his side. "I think I'll sleep even better if you're like this. Unless this is too uncomfortable for you?"

 Damn, if this man wasn't a gentleman. "Not at all," you told him and snuggled a little closer toward him. His breathing evened out in minutes and the hand that was idly stroking your back, slowly stopped. It took him all of about two minutes to fall asleep. You chuckled to yourself at that fact, though quickly followed behind him.

 You were still locked in the same position the next morning when you felt the sun peeking through the small opening you'd left in the blinds. Slowly, you opened your eyes, careful not to move too much in hopes of not disturbing Joel if he was sleeping. Though as you opened them, you were greeted with his staring back at you. "Morning," you whispered groggily.

 "Morning, beautiful." You stretched as much as you could, while still held within the comfort of his arms. "Thanks again for last night. Best night's sleep I've had since I got in the bubble."

 "Well, we do pride ourselves here in our customers getting a good night's sleep."

 He laughed, then dropped a kiss to your forehead. "You definitely live up to your word."

 Glancing over at the clock, you noticed the time and knew that you had to get ready to start your day. "I'd love to stay here in bed with you all day, but some of us have work."

 He pulled you close, and took the opportunity to kiss you fully on the lips before answering. "We have practice as well. I should probably grab a bite to eat first. I'll meet you downstairs in a bit." He kissed you one last time, before climbing out of bed and heading back to his room.

 It was about forty-five minutes later, that you came downstairs to find both him and Dougie sitting at the dining room table where a full breakfast was laid out. "Wow, what's this?"

 "I took the liberty of ordering room service," Joel told you. "I wasn't sure what you liked, so there's a little bit of everything." You were used to just grabbing a yogurt and maybe a banana, but the Belgium waffles smelled delicious, so you sat down and joined them.

 "Thanks," you said, as you grabbed a bit of fresh fruit and put it on your plate. "Did you guys sleep well?" You already knew Joel's answer but you wanted to make it look good so that Dougie wouldn't know what the two of you had been up to.

 "I slept like the dead," Dougie answered. "Haven't had that good of sleep in a long time."

 "Same," Joel said only his face turned a delightful shade of red and he started to cough.

 "Dude, are you choking or something?" Dougie said, patting him on the back.

 "I'm fine," he finally got out. "Wrong pipe." Joel was saved from further embarrassment as the door to the suite opened and in came Svech, hobbling on a pair of crutches and wearing a boot on his leg.

 "Hey man, how are you?" Dougie asked as you all got up to go check on him.

 "Ok, still not sure the extent of anything. They're going to do another MRI tomorrow. Doctors just said to stay off it and take it easy." Andrei answered the question you were all dying to know.

 "Well, here why don't you sit down," you told him, motioning for him to go on the couch. He plopped down and you immediately went and grabbed a few pillows to prop under his leg. "Can I get you something to eat?"

 "Yes, I'm starving. I haven't had anything since before the game." You went over and made him a heaping plate of breakfast food, while the guys talked specifics with him. He was definitely out for the rest of the series and you had a feeling it would be the rest of playoffs if the Canes made it through this round. "This is great, thank you."

 "I need to get downstairs and check on things, are you going to be ok here?" You asked Svech.

 "Yeah, I just have to figure out the stairs. I slept like hell." His face confirmed the words he'd just spoken as there were bags under his eyes. "Sure, that wasn't the case for you guys."

 Joel avoided looking at his younger colleague and you almost burst out laughing. "If you can wait here for about twenty minutes, I'll take you in through the pool." You told him. "We can use the door upstairs that has a private entrance into the suite that I showed you yesterday, that way you don't have to use the stairs. You just need a different key to get back in."

 "Wow, been holding out on us." Dougie teased. "We could've had a pool party last night." You rolled your eyes.

 "Finish your breakfast, and I'll be back in a few." You headed off to make sure that everything was fine in the hotel and to see if you were needed for anything as you had a feeling that Svech was going to need a lot more help than just making it upstairs.