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chubby-aphrodite · 10 months

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I would love to hear about the list of fictional boyfriends bc you're so right about ghirahim

(This is in reference to my tags on this post, which read "#holds him by the neck #theres a reason you dont get to be on my list of fictional boyfriends #its because youre simply too much of a bitch to keep up with.")

THANK YOU.

So like. As you may know, I am aromantic and asexual, but I have a pronounced attraction to many fictional men! I've tried the whole dating thing once or twice, but it kind of makes my stomach flip in same kind of way that you might feel when you accidentally walk into the wrong classroom on the first day of class and you were already really really anxious so you just sit in the bathroom crying for like 20 minutes to try and hold yourself together. That kind of way.

But I like many fictional men in a way that might almost be described as romantic or sexual, but that's the catch with them: they're fictional. I can rotate them in my mind and then put them away because they're some guy someone made up. I also just have eyes that are not immune to aspects of visual design that are supposed to look Good™. I experience some level of aesthetic attraction, it's just that fictional characters can very easily be broken down into aesthetics. Real people kind of... can't.

So, without further ado... here we go.

Now, these aren't in any particular order, they're just in the order I added them. I actually keep a documented list.

Kirin Jindosh (Dishonored 2)

He's snarky and intelligent at the same time. He's a mechanical genius who built his own Clockwork Mansion (which was beautifully executed by the game designers). He built autonomous killer robots with such an attention to aesthetic. He was kicked out of college for causing an accident that's implied to have cost him his left thumb and forefinger, which he proceeded to replace with a ceramic prosthetic that doubles as a smoke pipe. He's tall and lanky and has a rakish charm to him that I just can't resist, and yet I can also see myself punching him directly in the face.

I always go nonlethal in Dishonored games, but doing that to Jindosh in particular fucking broke me. He's an asset to the villain because of his intellect and engineering prowess, so in order to neutralize him without killing him... you essentially lobotomize him. With an electric chair. That he designed himself to use on one of your allies. With the pull of a lever, that's all gone. He wakes up knowing that he used to know things, used to be able to make intricate creations, and realizing that he can't anymore. He's not even mad. He's just... sitting there, confused, with a sedate sadness about him. It literally made me fucking sob for a good five to ten minutes.

I learned a while ago that they had considered including a route where, instead of only having the options to kill him or lobotomize him, you'd just... skedaddle with your captured ally and leave him alone. But, this was cut due to budget constraints. They would've had to record voicelines and make versions of cutscenes for if he was alive and fully himself, but they didn't have the budget for it. I understand... but I'm still mournful of that.

Greed (Fullmental Alchemist, Manga/Brotherhood)

He is a tall man with sharp teeth, a black sleeveless turtleneck, and a cropped vest with a fur lined collar. He's a very interesting character that explores what it means to be "greedy" because the way it manifests through him is that he has a lot of friends and he loves them very much and he is extremely pissed if anything happens to them. He can also transform to have sharper teeth and CLAWS.

I'm very mindful of the version of Greed I talk about, however, because at one point he dies and gets his essence shoved into someone else to create a new Greed. It's just that this "someone else" is a 15 year old and I am Not About That. Had I gotten into FMA while I was still in my middle teens, I may have had a crush on Greedling, but as it stands I'm 22. So! Only the man who has his friends smash his head open for fun to demonstrate his immortality for me, please.

Adam Frankenstein (Frankenstein)

Okay. I'm gonna be real with you on this one. I've never read Frankenstein before. I should at some point. He's tall and stapled together and is described as beautiful and is actually very intelligent (if vindictive and vengeful). But this is entirely based on the fact that I had an erotic dream about him once. I'm not gonna describe it here, but rest assured... I don't know what I'm telling you to rest assuredly about.

Professor Venomous (OK KO)

A man with a penchant for sadism and was made sexy on purpose. He's extremely divorced. He's happily married. He's petty. He's got an even eviler alter ego to go with the fact that he's already evil. He's a whole bastard and a half. He's purple. He's even bisexual. I love him.

Leon (Pokemon Sword and Shield)

He is KIND and he is A LITTLE DUMB AT TIMES and he IS WEARING A TIGHT SPORTS UNIFORM FOR MOST OF THE GAME. He has more depth than some people give him credit for, and has a fun dynamic with Raihan. There's a moment where when you beat him in a battle, his losing animation shows him covering his face with his hat and gritting his teeth and almost shaking, but then he takes his off and he puts on a nice face like "Yeah, that was an awesome battle!" He can't actually be angry when he wants to be angry because he's The Champion (and later the head of the Battle Tower) and everyone has his eyes on him. His hair also looks very pullable.

Saïx (Kingdom Hearts)

So this is kind of an OG fictional boyfriend for me. He was one of the first characters I ever sought out character/reader fics for. If you know me, you know I have a thing for both vampires and werewolves, and Saïx is sort of a diet werewolf. He has a moon motif and can turn more... wild and angry. I like a man who is measured in most of what he does and says, but when he loses it, he fucking LOSES IT. He's also (say it with me now) TALL!

The kicker here is that I've only played two KH games (re:coded and Dream Drop Distance). I was just so sucked in my the fandom as a tween that the men I was interested stayed with me even now.

Qrow Branwen (RWBY)

So, fun fact about this one: before I started watching RWBY, one of my friends pegged me as the sort of person who would be a Qrow Fucker right away. And they were right. He's a conflicted man whose source of pain is himself and how he thinks he makes life worse for everyone around him.

The Assigned Power that he has is literally bad luck. Bad things that happen around or to him that most would just ascribe to simple chance happen with increasing frequency around him. He's afraid he'll get the people he cares about hurt, so he pushes them away to avoid that. Bad things constantly happen to him, so he's driven to drink. He puts on a sarcastic and nonchalant facade about it, but he's just a lonely man whose self loathing is so far up his own ass that he almost actually got people killed because he drank himself into a stupor and couldn't help them.

Punchable, but also a sopping wet cat of a man. It also helps that he's mildly disheveled and a little flirty on purpose.

Guzma (Pokemon Sun and Moon)

YA BOY. Man just likes bugs and wants to give people a place to go. I enjoy imagining what he'd sound like because it's an accent I can actually do. A crusty weirdo with a soft and gooey interior. Very emotive and up front. I like a man with confidence.

Ganondorf (Zelda)

I'd just like to say I was a Ganonfucker before TotK. His original incarnation from Ocarina of Time is LITERALLY out there wearing a skin tight leather leotard, thigh high leather boots, and a tights. His subsequent incarnations also all have very compelling things going for them, too.

Winder Waker Ganondorf had a thought out, sympathetic motivation that became warped by his inescapable lust for power, dooming him. And he has his moms' names printed on his swords, which is adorable. Twilight Princess Ganondorf is genuinely terrifying, resisting his divinely powered execution squad and masterminding a takeover of the very realm meant to be his prison. He also has an excellent design. Shoutout to Hyrule Warriors Ganondorf for also having an excellent design. And finally, his Tears of the Kingdom incarnation combines an also-incredible-design with a very, VERY powerful presence.

I love his very harsh features and also I want to bury my face in his chest.

Sidon (Zelda)

What can I say about him that hasn't already been said? He's kind. He's handsome. He believes in you. He's enormous. He loves his sister. He loves his wife. He loves Link. He's even got sharp teeth.

Side tangent time because I love dumping this on people and if you've read this far you're in for the long haul already: sharks don't really have two dicks like we typically think of them. They have a pair of something called claspers, one of which is left out in the water and the other is inserted into the other shark. The left out one pumps in seawater while the other one expels water and sperm, fastened inside the other shark by the grace of the fact that it can unfurl like an umbrella. Sharks don't have dicks. They have jizz hoses attached to their crotches. I learned this (most of it anyway, the rest was filled in via Wikipedia) in the marine biology class I took in high school because I thought it would be fun and I didn't wanna take normal biology. Thank you for coming to my impromptu lecture on shark dicks.

Axel (Kingdom Hearts)

Axel has much the same story as Saïx with regards to his relation to me. I was into the Kingdom Hearts fandom as a tween and he just stuck with me. I enjoy the fact that he's cool and a bit sassy and I love his friendship with Roxas and Xion. It's nice.

Alucard (Castlevania)

Disclaimer: I've only played one Castlevania game (and it wasn't even a good one) and watched only a few episodes of the show. But by GOD this man is good for me. Tall angsty vampire with long pretty hair and a really cool outfit. Shoutout to Ayami Kojima's art.

Dunban (Xenoblade Chronicles)

Dunban is an incredible man. He lost the use of his right arm entirely due to the god in the sword he was using at the time rejecting him, and yet he still used that sword successfully to defend his home from an onslaught of man-eating robots. A year on from that, he learns to wield a sword one handed in his non-dominant hand, and is just generally a badass.

Tales of his heroism spread far and wide, even to more isolationist corners of the world—enough so that when he visited those isolationist areas, he could leverage his reputation to make people of a much higher societal rank than him listen to him. Essentially, he's talking to the prince of a kingdom, and the prince tells him he can't do something because of X or Y esoteric law relating to the traditions of their people (even though he understands they're odd to outsiders). Dunban, in all his cleverness, essentially just goes "Let's do it anyway because it's the right thing to do, and if anyone gets in trouble we can just say we're weird outsiders who don't know your laws, yeah?" but with better wording and more emotion. At this point, the prince, who is of a long-lived race and is literally five times Dunban's age, essentially yes sir's him.

I also just love his voice. One of his voice lines for one of his abilities is just a really guttural, growly "Dance with me" and I love it.

Grimsley (Pokemon Black and White)

Depressed man in a suit with a vampire-ish appearance. Then has a later appearance where he looks aged by stress. That is all.

Volo (Pokemon Legends Arceus)

Oh fucking BOY I am not normal about this man. He is kind and passionate and has an insatiable hunger for knowledge, but the knowledge he's accumulated has made him seek out the power of a god. A power he can't have. In spite of the stupid Arceus-shaped hair, he manages to have such a gravitas in his final battle. The beady eyes. His casual half-smile turned sinister. The music that plays being a remix of the most feared trainer in Pokemon history, to whom he is implied to be directly related to. The fact that he fucking cheats and pulls out not only a seventh Pokemon, but the fact that that Pokemon pulls a "YOU FOOL, THAT WAS ONLY MY FIRST HEALTH BAR!" The way he goes through Laventon to avoid talking to you again in order to tell you that Giratina wants to help you. The ease with which you can give him spine crushing trauma through a combination of religion and retail. I've literally written a volo/reader fic and am working on another, longer one. I love him.

Vanitas (Kingdom Hearts)

On my journey out of tweenhood and into being a teenager, I became slowly more interested in villains as times went on. Vanitas was one of my first and most powerful instances of that. He's an evil doppelganger to one of the protagonists created out of the darkness in the heart of another. He's cool. He's angry. He's very enjoyable to me.

Consul N (Xenoblade Chronicles 3)

Oh boy, another one I'm incapable of being fucking normal about! I've posted about him at length in other posts, but the general gist of my obsession with this man is... his obsession. His devotion. He's so strongly attached to the one he loves that, after repeatedly having her ripped away from him, he chooses to perpetuate the miserable world that so violently tortured them both on the condition that he could be with her forever. He looses himself in his possessiveness, he wants to believe he's doing it all for her—but deep down, he knows he chose the coward's way out by abandoning his hopes and dreams and choosing to become the boot that keeps the world down rather than topple the system that won't let it rise.

And that's how the story of XC3 starts: his cast of hopes and dreams—and those of the woman he loves—coalesce into a new existence that hasn't suffered the many existences he had—that they both had. And that coalition of their hopes and dreams finally, finally manages to set the world right, after much fighting and suffering and introspection. At one point, he physically and emotionally tortures the embodiment of his hopes and dreams as if to prove to himself that what the way he's been doing things was the only way. But later, his hopes-and-dreams self literally tells him that he's a coward and that he's full of shit. I was so enraptured by this scene that I had to make art of it, of N leaning against the bars of a jail cell as he emotionally tortures his other self, and it became my profile pic.

Commander Isurd (Xenoblade Chronicles 3)

This man is so fucking stressed out that the quest you do to help him be more powerful is trying to find him a way to relax, and there's a scene where he strips and sits in a hot spring. He is a man whose heart is so full of grief that he won't let himself process. I've described his eyebags as harrowing before, because there's no other better word for them. Let him rest. I want to help him rest.

Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

The disclaimer here is that I've never played a Final Fantasy game, let alone any incarnation of VII, I just find this man fascinating. He has three dads who are all pointing guns at each other and as well as two moms. He was injected with alien DNA in the womb, raised as an orphan, and groomed to be the perfect supersoldier. When he found this out as an adult, he went on a rampage and did a lot of terrible things including trying to explode the world. But before that, he was just kind of a guy put under both a spotlight and a microscope, and all that culminated in incredible violence. Also I like one winged angel.

Grusha (Pokemon Scarlet and Violet)

He's just very pretty and I like his attitude. I'm also intrigued by his implied angsty backstory.

Spyke (Splatoon)

I'm simply a sucker for vaguely mysterious tall men. I don't know why they gave him some kinda cockney accent in the American English localization only, but I'm frankly here for it.

Vash the Stampede (Trigun)

I've also been posting about this one at length. He's a very kind man to the point of accepting personal injury if it means he doesn't have to hurt someone, and it shows. He's goofy as hell. He menaces people into being nice to each other through the force of his (falsely) violent reputation alone. He loves his brother so much, he just wishes he would stop being an asshole. He believes in the human capacity for change. He represses his emotions and puts up a facade so that he doesn't hurt the people around him, even though he tries to push them away anyway. He's tall. He's got some cool alien/monster traits. He's also just cool as hell. He's a mama's boy. He's even into petplay. I love him!

Conclusion

I love all my hims.

#fae answers #cubone-i-guess #long post #fictional boyfriends #i love all my hims

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