#i love that he realized how wrong it was to expect buffy to take on everything

[moodyseal]

Finished the last ep of season 1 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and gosh, what a tragic character she is.

I obviously haven't watched the later seasons yet but I saw someone mention in a comment on YouTube how in the series everyone expects so much from her while giving her barely any support in turn, and it's true specifically in the last scene, and in the entire episode.

Buffy had her whole world turned upside down in a day. She found out she was fated to die, supposedly alone, while fighting what was shown a couple of episodes before to be the creature she feared the most—all while being barely sixteen, with big dreams in her mind about a future she wouldn't even have.

She rightfully expressed those feelings, and all of a sudden Giles was acting so surprised, as if it were a given that she would save them all once again and accept to sacrifice herself, marching to her death like a soldier going to war. But the thing is—why should she have done that? She was born the Slayer, sure, but she didn't choose that life. She never wanted it. She shouldn't have been forced to take on such a big responsibility at such a young age. She was supposed to be a child. Live her life. Be a normal girl whose biggest problem was her History homework.

Then, once she did choose to do as foretold and go face the Master, only to "die" and be brought back and then kick his ass as she did with any monster of the week during the whole season, everyone just patted her on the back, said, "Whew what a day," and went on with their lives. "We should go to prom."

The gap between them and her was so obvious here, because while (albeit a bit shaken themselves) they were celebrating, she was left processing everything on her own. What happened to her, how alone she felt, what her role would be from then on. All of this while the others only spared her a single, "You died. Yikes."

Not a word about how she was feeling, except from Giles. Not a hug. Not a significant sign of acknowledgement.

She couldn't possibly tell them anything—they were traumatized just as much as her, so it would've been unfair to them. So she swallowed her feelings down, of course, as I'm sure she will do again somewhere soon, and just said she was fine, as if nothing happened.

Sure, let's go party. Sure, I'm okay. Sure, I'm not severely scarred from this experience.

Sure. Sure. Sure.

Always and forever.

[nicnacsnonsense]

Changes I would make to “Lies My Parents Told Me”:

Instead of Giles and Buffy being Team Kill Spike and Team Zero Precautions respectively, Giles should think Spike needs to be chained up 24/7 until the trigger is deactivated while Buffy thinks it’s fine for him to walk around free as long as she’s there to directly supervise.

Giles does not collude with Robin

Buffy & Giles still have their convo but it is not a distraction nor does it involve Giles lecturing Buffy about how being a general means making the sacrifices that I’ve decided you should make.

Buffy is the one to bring up her refusal to kill Dawn suspecting that Giles might be doing the same thing again but with Spike this time. And Giles is the one to have changed his mind on his former actions, saying that he trained Buffy to be independent and a leader and it was wrong of him to follow that with second guessing and undermining any decision she made that he didn’t necessarily agree with. But he will add that that trust does have to be a two-way street; if a good leader expects their people to follow them even into decisions they don’t personally agree with, they have to make sure their people feel like their concerns and opinions are being heard. That’s Giles concerns about Spike, but also the Potentials’ fears too. (This is where he would presumably mention Robin told him about being the son of one of the Slayers that Spike killed, prompting Buffy to realize, oh shit, Robin’s going to kill Spike.)

The First as Nikki Wood should show up twice. Once to tip Robin off about Giles and Buffy being out and goading him into taking this opportunity to fight Spike (admittedly not sure how he convinces Spike to come to his place in this one), and again during the fight scene between Spike and Robin. Because this is the kind of threat they should have focused on the First posing. It’s Spike who has been turned into a feral killer via the First’s trigger vs Robin who has been manipulated by the First into pursuing his own vendetta over what’s best for stopping the apocalypse, and whoever ends up killing the other, the First wins.

Spike’s trigger breaking starts with the realization that his mom loved him, yes, and that the vampire his mother became who said all those hateful things was a different person. But from there he realizes that who he is now with a soul is a different person than the demon without it. Not completely different, the demon is still in him, just like there are still pieces of soft mousy William in him, but he doesn’t have to be either of them anymore and doesn’t have to feel guilty about the things they did. So maybe Robin doesn’t forgive Spike for killing his mom — again, sorry about that — but Spike forgives himself, and you know what, that’s all that matters to him. And that is what breaks the trigger

Also Spike lets Robin keep Nikki’s coat because that’s his dead mother’s coat, goddamn

[liiistennnn]

this is a post about black sails where I talk a lot about buffy the vampire slayer

my friend just watched hbo girls (four of us are moving to brooklyn and he's doing cultural research dont cancel me) and was saying how the show felt like it should have ended with the penultimate episode where they're all fighting in the bathroom of shosh's engagement party, but then there's another episode, and you're like, what! it was such a tidy narrative arc closing loop and now there's more? and its weird and feels kind of separate? the whole pregnancy arc felt out of phase or whatever. and that's because the girls are moving out of their own genre!!! these stunted immature women are finally trying to grow up. on the show about how they refuse to grow up. so it starts to feel off, disjointed, and bad writing might be part of that, but I think it really works. tidy ending followed by disconcerting life

(the monastery I was at had all these discussion group guidelines and one of them is to expect and accept a lack of closure)

its the same as what happens with buffy the vampire slayer after season 5. and how people love to hate on season 7. and how I saw the tv glow takes place in the afterlife limbo between season 5 and season 6 of buffy. even supernatural was supposed to end after 5 seasons. how if black sails ended at season 3 it could have been an uplifting story of coming together in solidarity for a cause bigger than yourself. with the possibility of overthrowing empire just over the horizon! vane's martyrdom and that incredible battle and the creation of long john silver. but season 4 comes and everyone is repeating choices from season 1 but different people are making them and the story was always going to end like this and hope was there and it didn't change anything but it was there and when they get to skeleton island you finally realize the genre has changed. treasure island prequel. miranda's death haunting season 3 vs a moment of true connection friendship trust between flint and silver haunting season 4. when everything is shit what haunts you is when everything wasn't. and poisoning the past searching for the seeds of everything becoming shit. equal footing slipping to unequal. withholding backstory because we are in his backstory because we are in a prequel.

(billy died at the end of season 1 and came back without his naïveté. silver died at the beginning of season 4 and came back a pirate king. how does death work on black sails?)

season 6 of buffy is so incredible and the came back wrong motif is so captivating because resurrection is just an opportunity to let the facade drop. she doesn't have to pretend anymore or she finally can't pretend anymore. to be ok. I saw the tv glow said sometimes to save your life you have to bury yourself alive and die and then claw your way out of that grave. death is not about rest its about finding a way to live. spike is the only one who knows what its like to come back and she fucks him because he loves her and because she thinks there's something wrong with her. but she's always felt that way its not actually about the rebirth. its about joyce dying from something buffy can't fight which is about growing up which is about having to accept that you have to live in the world. you can't kill yourself (they'll just bring you back) and nobody else is going to pay your bills. and season 7 is so weird and they are renegotiating so much worldbuilding and vibechanging and taking them right back to the start. buffy works at the high school and becomes joyce-giles to all those slayers and then at the end, all three of their partners dead, buffy and willow and xander are back at high school, single and fifteen. they won they finally grew up and now they get to be young again, in the last shot they're the kids with giles looking over them. and this time faith and dawn are there, buffy's noun name sisters (faith is sister and faith is angel and faith is spike). but you can't go home again (the odyssey) and she looks changed. old. season 5 felt like an ending because she died. finally allowed to rest. season 7 feels like real life. even though they beat the big bad of the season you know the wheel will keep spinning forever and there will always be a new monster of the week. idk,,, what happens after the story is over if you're still alive?

(I had so much trouble watching season 4 of buffy the first time around I was like what do you mean they're not in high school?)

is flint's death truer because he was unmade? is rackham right and it doesn't matter if he was shot or sent to the farm because what matters is that he is out of frame? finally free of the story, against his will. can't believe silver names his parrot after him though. not out of frame completely

(but even though it's silver's prequel - it's literally the story of his becoming - he unmakes himself at the end of black sails too. not just flint. they created the pirate king the legend they named him long john and he was a king of war. when he ended the war he unmade himself too)

[buckmyluv]

random 911 6x11 qs...

so... maybe my mind was warped by Buffy (and specifically “Restless”)... but I can’t shake the feeling these bits the 911 writers put into “In Another Life” might have had more meaning than meets the eye. these stood out during my initial watch and i can’t stop thinking about them.

loud music playing throughout the scene(s) at Chim’s

it might have just been not-great sound-mixing, but the song was louder than I expected for a dialogue heavy scene. Need to rewatch to try to figure out the song and mine for clues

"My lungs just stopped working.”

idk idk on the face of it, it’s just a statement of fact. but there was something about the way that line was shot, it just didn’t feel like a throwaway line. could this have more meaning for Buck/his life? 

“Can you help me find my dad?” “I can’t right now. [...] I’m always gonna feel guilty for that one.” 

again idk but this gave me strong Restless vibes! Very “be back before Dawn”! Is “dad” in this sentence in fact Buck?? Will he always feel guilty because what he couldn’t do right now was realizing he already is a dad to Chris?? I can’t shake this one. But is the 911 writers’ room trying to do this... idk.

Coma dream Bobby with the pills

Caveats: Look, I do NOT want anything to go wrong for Bobby ever. also coming to this with addiction experiences. And finally, keeping in mind all of our speculation about things going worse for Bobby might come to fruition in 6x12 and beyond with what looks, from the promo, to be an arson setup with the rehab center. 

But -- besides Buck’s parents and the obviously absent Eddie -- and despite what Buck said about only Hen being the same -- I feel like most of the qualities of the key people we saw in Buck’s coma dream were them amplified, or pre-growth versions of them. Maddie -- caring for others around her but suffering quietly. Chim -- reliable, trying to help, a bit cynical. Hen -- kind and honest, connecting the dots. Which brings me to Bobby. He seemed very different -- manic, a bit mean. But it was the drinking and taking of the pills that got me, particularly when Buck then says (lies) that Bobby was the same, just like Hen. Could it be foreshadowing, that Bobby will continue to be locked into this spiral around Wendell and Buck and such, and addiction will take a new form? there was so much speculation about him relapsing with alcohol, but idk... something about this. it could also just be a worst-possible-interpretation for coma dream buck but... it’s bugging me. 

and some final thoughts:

- loved Oliver’s acting! and those moments of his pure joy, i was transported back to him opening the door to Maddie upon her return.

- Also Bobby broke my heart the whole episode. silently praying so hard with the rosary beads... “she brought two kids and you brought one”!! 

- honestly pretty shocked at how little Eddie time there was... what we got was good but it was just... bizarre. 

- I feel like Maddie was oddly excluded from convos with medical staff, whereas Margaret and Phillip got top billing there. It just seemed weird -- could have been scheduling?? or just to shove the parental reconciliation arc. but e.g. having her in the circle up with the doctor in the hall (latter half of the episode) would have made more sense to me than just Margaret and Phillip -- they’re not around! I’m imaging maddie or bobby (or eddie but he got shafted this episode) is his medical proxy so... what gives?

- On the (valid) critiques about the Buckley parents reconciliation arc: I definitely have qualms about it. They have been pretty egregious in their actions for decades. But I’m also coming at this from a similar context (though much less dramatic context with deep dark family secrets). Parents emotionally neglectful/emotionally abusive, just because they were swimming in their own emotional challenges. perpetual dismissal, personalizing your choices, etc. And I battled for years with wanting to be enough for them, trying to prove myself to them -- until I finally got therapy, realized how they had treated me, and began to call them out on it. And -- they started to change. I don’t think they’ll ever be 100% what I need them to be, and I’ll always have a wall up. But they’ve changed enough that I can accept the relationship somewhat more. And accepting what they do offer -- not literally a couch, but like a couch -- because it’s how they know to show their love.

anyway. that’s that on that.

[takerfoxx]

The Sandman, Season 1, Episode 3, "Dream a Little Dream of Me," First Impressions!

"Fuck it, let's go to Hell!"

Yeah, I know that line had nothing to do with the plot of this episode, but c'mon, what a stinger.

And hey, can we just take a moment to give it up for Patton Oswalt for getting to live the fanboy dream, no pun intended? A few years ago my sister and I attended a Neil Gaiman talk and autograph signing, and Oswalt was the host, and he started the night by basically confessing that he grew up as the biggest Gaiman fan ever, so much so that they basically hired Gaiman's stalker to host the show. And now he gets to play (well, voice) one of the most important characters in the long-awaited Sandman adaptation.

So anyway, this episode was surprisingly nostaglic, but for a different reason than what I was expecting. When I first graduated high school, I made a point to marathon all of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, mainly because I fell in love with Firefly and wanted to see Whedon's other works (no, I am not going to talk about recent controversies). And I loved them deeply. There was just something about the whole gothic urban fantasy mysteries with pithy dialogue and corny jokes I found appealing. Never did move onto Supernatural for whatever reason, but I thoroughly enjoyed my time in the Buffyverse.

This reminded me a lot of that, even if the source material, both Sandman and Hellblazer, predates Buffy by a good amount. Johanna's flashbacks to the Job Gone Wrong and the bit with the princess's possessed fiance were much in that same vein, and were a ton of fun. I can't help but wonder if that little girl in Johanna's nightmare is going to show up in Hell the next episode.

Even though I knew it was coming, I still popped hard when Mad Hettie basically stepped off the page. As much as I've enjoyed what's been changed, expanded upon, and updated, I still appreciate the parts where they went, "Nah, this is fine the way it is. Just adapt it word-for-word."

I would have liked to have the Mr. Sandman musical drops. It would've been funny. Wait, did they have it and I just missed it?

Speaking of which, while it would be neat to have the John Constantine, rights are what they are, and Johanna made for a very impressive replacement. She was exactly the kind of messy individual who's trying her best but has made a ton of mistakes, has hurt a lot of people, and is also just so done with everyone coming to her with their problems, and yet so can't look away. I wonder if they renamed her ancestor in the coming Men of Good Fortune episode. I guess we'll see.

Also, to everyone complaining about how changing the Constantine character female made the show even more gay, go and look into John Constantine's romantic history. There's a reason why making King Shark his ex in Harley Quinn actually isn't that farfetched.

I was bummed that the only rogue dream we got in Rachel's apartment was that reunion with the fake Rachel. It was very good, yes, but I was looking forward to the trippy house haunted by her dreams, with the rogue Nightmares pissing their pants when they realize that Dream is present and the inside-out guy on the walls. I did smirk when Johanna mentioned telling Rachel's father about her passing, because this version of the guy actually got lucky compared to his comic counterpart. Ouch.

And in regards to what I said earlier about Gaiman taking this show as a do-over, building up the tension between Dream and Matthew is actually kind of a nice touch, as the conflict with their relationship was mainly around Dream just being a little cold and standoffish with him because he's like that with everyone, but this has something for them to actually work out, along with a very good reason for Dream not wanting another raven along, given what happened to the last one.

The John Dee and Ethel Cripps stuff now fell more-or-less to how it went in the comics, albeit a bit more dramatic. And gory. I really like this depiction of him. He's both something sympathetic while also being rather horrifying. It just brings a human layer to the character that will serve to make the diner episode even more horrific. I also smirked at the sidelong references to Doctor Destiny that don't violate trademark but do wink at it.

Corinthian wasn't as active here as I was expecting, but he is still lurking in the background, nudging things around to fuck things up for Dream. I wonder if his end will be the same as the comics. I hear they spiced up the confrontation between him and Dream to make it more appropriate as a season finale, but it still would be really funny if after all of his attempts to basically assassinate Dream throughout the season, he still meets his end via Dream just crashing his Cereal Convention speech. Like, you try so hard to kill a motherfucker, doesn't work, and then you go to hang out with your friends to burn off steam, only for him to ruin your big moment with a, "I lived, bitch!"

Okay, time for the momentum to really pick up. Let's go to Hell!

[chasingfictions]

i am always and forever obsessed w ur buffy takes,,, please bless us with ur cangel thoughts if u are so inclined. if not just know that im obsessed w ur writing for darla especially "it's his culture angelus" i lost it at that

omg thank you so much this is so sweet????? also dkfjdksfs writing coparents dangel is :))))) my greatest joy :))) (LITERALLY murder and bloodshed is connor's culture and they have to pass it onto him!!!! )

my cangel thoughts aren't as developed as any of my btvs thoughts tbh bc i havent done a comprehensive angel rewatch in forever ! though i am rewatching scattered episodes for my rewrite series.

that SAID. i feel like for me cangel works whenever ats works? which is to say i really LOVE s1-s3 cangel :))) @willowrosenboob and i have been talking about this literally nonstop lately (and also she is THEE leading cangelism scholar so jot that down) also so this is really on my mind but just the way that!!! ats as a show has such a Woman Problem and hates to write women as full people especially when those women are love interests and especially when those women are romantically significant to angel :))) premiere misogyny show of the early 2000s :))) but bc romantic cangel doesn't develop in a fully realized way until season 3, cordelia and angel are able to develop this whole dynamic that's just so!!!!!! it's the way they're kind of perfect for each other actually it's the way that angel just has this brick wall of dourness and bullshit around him at all times but cordy is so persistent and doesn't give a shit and being around her forces him to be an actual person in a way none of his other relationships do. and as for angel being well suited to cordy. i mean listen. he's not good enough for her. get that man away from all women until he works his shit out or until someone stakes him.

THAT SAID. cordelia loves angel and considers him her best friend and believes in him and if that's who she wants then i support her !!!! and there's the way that like,, for all that cordelia is beautiful and effervescent and social and yada yada yada, she's also a freak??? she's also a fucking weirdo???? i saw this take on twitter today that was reposting a take from instagram that i think sums it up well:

and i just!!!! im a sucker for them as life partners and best friends and business partners and them as both sucked into this fight against evil with primordial forces bigger than them !!!! and also the way they both are able to blossom into full people with each other!!! i love how theyre obsessed with each other!!!!!!! angel is like if you so much as lay a finger on cordelia i will stomp you to death with my hooves. cordelia is like oh??? you dont think angel is the goodest and most special bestest guy???? okay how does it feel to be WRONG??? i mean okay. SHE'S wrong. but she's also in love with him!!!! i just think theyre adorable!!! theyre fucking dorks!!!!! remember when cordelia in a universe where she hasnt seen angel since 1999 kisses him to save him from insanity and takes that insanity on herself and how it's such a beautiful representation of how they're well suited because it's cordelia rising to the call of heroism when no one would expect that of her but at the end of the day she is fundamentally kind and giving and brave and the way angel, for all that ats forgets this at times, isnt a natural hero, like at his core he is Just Some Guy who stuff keeps happening to and just!!! cangel as a ship about mundanity and domesticity and growing up and also about the tenderness and love and selflessness contained within mundanity and how that is the most beautiful thing of all and im gonna SCREAM

... . that said. ats s4 exists.

like the way ats s3 finale without context is SO GOOD but then is SQUANDERED and the show decides it doesnt mean anything or if it does, the thing that it means is about nihilism and the inevitability of loss and the impossibility of happiness i FUCKING GUESS???? because cordy and angel are separated against their wills and instead of that being about a piece of their story that's LITERALLY the END, that's the LAST TIME they EVER see each other when they're fully Them and cordy isn't amnesiac or possessed or a ghost like think about that for a second and tell me you dont also want to be sunk to the bottom of the ocean by your vengeful mystically-aged part-vampire antichrist son (... once again i havent done a full watch of ats in ages so if there's any time in s4 when cordelia is Really Cordelia i might have that wrong??? so lmk)

and then the way that once cordelia is being officially written as angel's love interest, she starts to get infected with ats' Woman Problem and becomes this kind of Beatrice to Angel's Dante (i mean she's LITERALLY in heaven i could write a whole thing about this). she becomes this larger than life figure who represents the paragon of all goodness and angel's will to keep striving for better and ultimately feeds into angel's (the show and the character) deep and abiding madonna-whore complex....

ANYWAY manifesting an alternate ats s4-s5 where cordy comes back from heaven and she's not possessed and her and angel have to learn to have a real adult relationship and angel has to unlearn all of his woman baggage bullshit and also they develop a lot of complex methods to be able to have sex. by manifesting i mean i AM including that into my rewrite. current methods include snapping a rubber band on angel's wrist if he looks too happy like when someone's trying to quit smoking / spraying him with water like a cat / playing recordings of spike insulting him while they fuck.

everyone pls write in with additional ideas on how cangel can fuck thank u pls consider this an open call. a contest. first prize goes to whoever gives me the most brain damage <3

[johnaeryns]

can you please explain how spuffy is a lesbian relationship? (I'm asking in seriousness, I'm interested in your analysis-- I realize the phrasing of the question could be read ambiguously but I think you're brilliant and I love your takes :) )

Oh you’re so nice, thank you! Honestly, it was a theory I started with @burneddownthegym, half as a joke, because we both saw homoerotic subtext in the way their relationship was written so we were calling them a lesbian ship. Eventually we started seeing other people’s opinions and analysis which genuinely supported the theory and began trying to piece it all together. We talk about it because it’s fun and because we think there’s genuinely a lot of solid evidence to unpack. I guess we thought two gay people could talk about where they found gay subtext, specifically because we relate to it, on Twitter without people taking it in bad faith, as usual we were wrong dlkfjask. Some of these points will be Wren’s, some will be mine, mostly they’ve fused into one big, long mess.

I will definitely try to explain best I can and cite some of the places we’ve been pulling stuff from, but if I come off sounding like the Pepe Silvia meme then it is what it is ldkjfasl. My disclaimer is that this isn’t 100% fully realized so there’s probably a lot of other points or examples I’m missing or forgot to include and some things that don’t directly link together or aren’t fully explained yet but I did what I could.

Edit: Originally put this in the tags but now I’m putting it in the post. Please do not read if you cannot be open minded. If you are set on hating Spike and/or Spuffy you will probably not enjoy the post, so if you know this, read it, and then get mad at me that is your problem, not mine. As I said multiple times, you don’t have to agree but I am a lesbian and so getting called lesbophobic for my interpretation is pretty annoying. 

I think the most important element that people misunderstand is that, to me at least, this has nothing to do with sexuality or gender headcanons. I use the terms lesbian and lesbian relationship more figuratively than literally, but defining or drawing hard lines on these in this context is unappealing to me and limits the discussion, so just consider it to be largely irrelevant to this post. 

The slayer/vampire dynamic as well as the slayer and vampire elements respectively are essential to this interpretation. What would otherwise be a heterosexual dynamic is twisted beyond recognition by the subversive gender elements that occupying the slayer/vampire roles have imposed on Buffy and Spike as individuals, and how those elements have in turn impacted the nature of their attraction to each other. However for the sake of this post I am going to start with their attraction, which I feel is the most overtly homoromantic element, and work backwards. 

The attraction Buffy and Spike feel towards each other causes them to experience a lot of confusion and shame. It’s described multiple times as being “wrong.” Spike says in 5x14 “because this, with you, is wrong. I know it. I'm not a complete idiot,” and Buffy in 6x13 says “It’s [her attraction to Spike] wrong. I’m wrong. Tell me I’m wrong.” They both find themselves attracted to someone that they and the outside world believe they should not be attracted to. They both struggle to accept that they have this “wrong” attraction and can neither control nor fight it. They both struggle to accept that they are not attracted to what they feel they should be: Spike believing that he should be attracted to evil, and Buffy believing she should be attracted to good, namely in the form of a ‘nice, normal’ guy. Both of these beliefs are imposed on them by other people’s expectations, rather than their own desires. Buffy in particular is deeply insecure about not being attracted to the people she feels she should be (Riley Finn, Scott Hope, Ben in season 5, Robin Wood, the list goes on). Buffy feels that if she tells her friends about this attraction they’ll be repulsed by her, and Spike is mocked by the demon (and sometimes human) community for his feelings towards Buffy. Their relationship is both something that they feel internal shame about, and that the outside world shuns them for. In this sense the explicit slayer/vampire dynamic becomes a stand in for an implicit same sex relationship. Once the supernatural elements are removed the subtext draws strong parallels to the experience of coming to terms with homosexual attraction and lack of heterosexual attraction.

Beyond subtext, there are times when the script of the show makes direct connections between the two. When Riley asks how Willow could have sex with Oz because he’s a werewolf (part demon) in season 4, Buffy responds “God, I never knew you were such a bigot.” This establishes the idea within the canon of the show that demon/human, and especially demon/slayer, relationships are something that people are close minded or bigoted about in the way they would be a gay relationship. It also establishes Riley as normative and Buffy as subversive, further exemplifying my previous point about Riley representing what Buffy should want, but doesn’t. This is further illustrated in season 6 when Buffy confesses that she’s been sleeping with Spike to Tara. The only person Buffy tells about this relationship is a canonical lesbian. It is not so subtly implied that Tara is understanding of Buffy’s conflict because she feels it mirrors her own experience with external and internal homophobia. Tara later likens Buffy telling other people about the relationship to “coming out.” That’s not subtext, that’s a direct comparison between Spike and Buffy’s relationship and a gay relationship.

Katherine Ann Vogt makes the case in “‘Kinda Twisty and Weird’: Queering the Heterosexual Romance in Buffy Shipper Fanfiction” that Spike and Buffy both represent a gender dichotomy through their respective human and demon/slayer sides. The demon/slayer side represents the stereotypically* masculine (strong, hard, cruel, violent), while their human sides represent the stereotypically feminine (soft, weak, sensitive, sentimental). Buffy continuously seeks to repress her slayer side (stereotypically masculine), while Spike continuously seeks to repress his human side (stereotypically feminine). When they are unable to cloak or repress these parts of themselves they are shamed, mocked, or belittled (men being made uncomfortable or angry by Buffy’s strength and self reliance & people thinking her too cruel and violent + people mocking Spike’s sentimentalism and softness both as a human and a demon). Both are only able to come to terms with their identity and evolve as people once they learn to let go of how they think they should be and reconcile both parts of themselves, feminine and masculine. 

Since the connection between the slayer/demon dynamic and homosexual attraction & stereotypical masculinity has been established, I would argue that you could take this in part as a representation of the gender struggle sapphics undergo when reconciling being a woman/not a man (existing as and/or being perceived as stereotypically feminine) with being attracted to women (stereotypically masculine). Similarly it mirrors the specific struggle lesbians undergo while attempting to reconcile their own subversive & self defined femininity with a lack of attraction to men, which is seen as a key aspect of the stereotypically feminine. I find it notable that for both Buffy and Spike it is the human side (the self) who is stereotypically feminine, while the stereotypically masculine aspect is attached to the ‘abnormal’ part of their personhood. This is one of the primary reasons I see the dynamic as specifically lesbian, rather than just non-heteronormative, queer, or homoerotic. I think that the feminine is a key component in their relationship and it is a reconciliation with the masculine that causes them to struggle, even if for Spike the masculine is expected and for Buffy it is condemned.

*Here’s my big gender disclaimer. I am using the word stereotypical to connote gender roles and gender performance, obviously femininity and masculinity are far more complicated than the stereotypically masculine and feminine. There is also an unavoidable connection here between performing gender and performing morality given the context of the show, but it is not my intention to assign morality to gender or sexuality. As the slayer/demon dichotomy makes clear, the ‘masculine’ is amoral and can be ascribed to good or evil, positive or predatory, the same goes for homosexual attraction. And lastly, I don’t want it to come off as if I am equating lesbianism with femininity of any kind or like I’m being dismissive of lesbians who don’t identify as women, but for the sake of argument and consistency I am connecting lesbianism with the word femininity, whatever amorphous form that femininity takes.

I’m certainly not the first to liken Buffy telling her mother she’s the Slayer in 2x22 to a coming out scene, but there lies another significant connection between Buffy’s slayer side and subversive sexuality/gender (as Wren points out here Spike was also notably present for this scene). In fact, the parallels in this scene are so strong I don’t feel I need to make an argument for it. Buffy’s desire to be normal, her despair at normalcy being personally unattainable because she herself is abnormal, the pain at having a key aspect of yourself be unsettling or scary to people you care about, and the frustration at your inability to change even if you’d like to, are all elements of her struggle with being the slayer which continuously parallel a struggle with sexuality and gender.

@shieldsmaiden made this excellent post about the lesbian subtext in Spike’s obsession with slayers. His desire is sexual but it’s also a deeper desire to possess or become the slayer. He wants the slayer, he wants to be the slayer, and at a point the two desires become interchangeable. Good and evil and masculine and feminine become all tangled up. The slayer is a symbol of goodness and light, but the slayer is also an inarguably female figure. He wants at once to destroy the light and become the light, desires the feminine and desires to be the feminine. As the post points out this elicits a kind of homophobic disgust from the people around him. His obsession with the light is unnatural, his twisted up desire towards the feminine is unnatural, he wants in a way that he is not meant to. As Wren notes here, Spike’s iconic leather duster being a trophy from a slayer further elaborates on this point. It is both a slayer’s jacket and a woman’s jacket and he has made it a part of his identity. He wants them, he wants to kill them, he wants to be them, in a way that is markedly homoerotic and specifically lesbian, to be feminine and desire the feminine at once. I also find it notable that Spike’s history and relationship with slayers is displayed in the same episode (5x07) that fully realizes his stereotypically feminine human side which thus far had only shown itself through his stereotypically masculine facade, as well as being an episode devoted to fully illustrating the connection between Buffy and Spike as slayer and vampire not as diametrically opposed, but rather dark mirrors of each other, two sides of the same coin. 

These two examples of the demon and slayer being representations of subversive sexuality are not identical but they are similar. The role of the slayer and the role of the vampire are set against each other and yet even though what people expect of Buffy and what people expect of Spike are vastly different, both struggle to meet those expectations. Both are too drawn to the opposing force (light and dark) in a way that they and others find disturbing, both refuse to fit into the box which says how a vampire or slayer should be/feel/act, and because of this both are the only one of their kind. Neither is fully slayer/vampire, neither is fully human. This point is addressed specifically in the script during 6x09 when Spike says to Buffy “Oh, poor little lost girl. She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love.” to which she responds “Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot! Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in?” Buffy questions why Spike is so drawn to the light, Spike questions why Buffy is so drawn to the darkness. Both insist that there is something “wrong” with the other, both are internally convinced there is something wrong with themselves, and yet the scene ends with them having sex. This ties all the way back in to my very first point. The roles of the slayer and demon, the wrongness in their performance of these roles, the wrongness in the performance of their gender,  the attraction that exists between the roles, how it contributes to the wrongness, all become twisted up in a cacophony of confusion, pain, and shame. All of this only further serves to prove the strong connections between Buffy and Spike’s struggle with identity, how that is fueled by struggles with gender, and how all of that feeds into the homoerotic attraction between them.

The final point I’d like to address is the idea of Spike as Buffy’s Jungian Shadow. Here is an excerpt from an essay titled “Spike as Shadow” by Delores J Nurss and further analysis of said essay by Rhonda V. Wilcox (Why Buffy Matters 82). 

The theory of the Shadow extends far beyond homoerotic subtext, but this passage is incredibly relevant. To vastly oversimplify, Spike as the Shadow forces Buffy to confront the parts of herself she wants to ignore. I would argue that two other characters have also taken this role for Buffy over the course of the series, Cordelia Chase and Faith Lehane. As it states here “the shadow is always of the same sex as the subject.” Considering that Cordelia and Faith are both women this becomes increasingly interesting. Not only do Cordelia and Faith fill the Shadow role, but they are also notable for having widely agreed upon homoerotic subtext with Buffy. Spike’s continuation of not only the Shadow role, but also the homoerotic attraction, places him once more in the realm of the feminine. This is reinforced when considering the first line of the essay which states that “Spike has devoted a century to acting out William’s shadow.” As has been established, William, Spike’s human side, represents the stereotypically feminine, which would make him the Shadow of two separate feminine subjects. The animus and anima is another relevant aspect. You might say Buffy represents the feminine aspects of Spike while Spike represents the masculine aspects of Buffy, however if you are following the line of thought which makes Spike the feminine Shadow of a feminine subject, you might also interpret it as a part of the persistent slayer/vampire/human gender dichotomy. The stereotypically masculine slayer/demon side as the male element of the stereotypically female human side, the stereotypical female human side as the female element of the stereotypically masculine slayer/demon side. 

Edit (12/1/21): This isn’t really evidence but I have to use every weapon in my arsenal here so I’m adding Steven Deknight’s (writer of the episode) quote on my thread about Buffy, Spike, Faith, and shadow integration in “Dead Things.” This is a piece of the “extends far beyond homoerotic subtext” I was talking about, and has nothing to do with lesbian Spuffy, but insofar as Spike & Buffy and Buffy & Faith as Jungian Shadow Integration is relevant to the theory, it’s pretty validating. Not to mention how Spike taking on the role of and interchanging with a female shadow of Buffy’s plays into it.

(here is the tweet) (here is my original thread on dead things + the tumblr post equivalent)

In the end I would say the thing that links all of this together is balance. In the same way the Buffy and Spike act as mirrors to each other, they also act as mirrors in their attraction and gender. The balance of the feminine and the feminine, along with the balance of the masculine and masculine which offsets it. This acts in the same way a lesbian dynamic would, possessing both the stereotypically feminine in the form of your gender, and the stereotypically masculine in your desire of the feminine. Only when Buffy is able to come to terms with the inherent stereotypical masculinity and darkness of her slayer side, and Spike is able to shed the performative masculinity in his demon side by making the choice regain his soul they are able to fully develop a functional and long lasting relationship where neither feels shame, brining the metaphor of internalized homophobia full circle.

I would like to close this by saying that it’s only one interpretation. There are lots of ways to see the show, we’ve analyzed the canon and found there is a lot that supports this reading. I think that some of this subtext was done intentionally, some was not. However, you’re meant to find your own meaning in media and there’s certainly meaning to be found here. I’m not saying that Spuffy is a lesbian relationship in the literal sense, but I do think that there’s a lot to link them to lesbian dynamics and lesbian experiences both in sexuality and in gender politics. People certainly don’t have to agree but in the end we’re just having fun attempting to analyze a tv show, and in conclusion:

[angel-thoughts-dump]

ranking top 10 jokes on the Angel pilot

10- "breath mint?" angel still pretending to be drunk, to the vampire he is about to fight in the alley That first bit of the scene where Angel is going to fight those guys but he pushes the drunk act as far as he can... it was just funny to me, not only bc of the drunk act itself, but also because he didn’t have to take it that far! so to me he was having fun acting, because he is like a repressed drama kid. And also, why go so close to this guys mouth? lol he could have gotten close anyway, there was literally no reason, like wearing the Hawaiian shirt just to pretend for less than a minute he was a lost tourist. He just liked doing it. No other explanation.

9- "Mr I was alive for 200 years and never developed an investment portfolio" I just like when they roast him, I think if they did it more often it would fix him. Also Cordy might be the only character that can be funny when she actually means to.

8- Doyle trying to run away, coming back, and trying to  bring down the fence with the car but just damaging the car a little subversion of the classic scenes where the fences do go down. It IS funny, adds suspense to the actions going on inside, and it serves to tell a lot about the character, so three for one!

7- Angel jumping into the wrong car instead of his, in the middle of chasing the bad guys I... I have mixed feelings about this because in the heat of the moment it works so well, like using the high of the chasing scene for the funny break, also the subversion or whatever, but then I thought for two minutes and went “HEY aren’t vampires supposed to have supper smell? he should have smelled that wasn’t his car!”

6- "You kind of remind me of her. You know... cuz of the hair " Angel pretending to be drunk talking about buffy to a bald black man  I think the whiplash from the classic detective noir voice-off of the introduction, to this, does a lot of the job, but still, it works. They knew anyone watching would know about buffy being exactly the opposite image already. And you can even see it as a little jab at : this show is going to be completely different from what you expect from before, from buffy. So its a good first joke of the show.

5- "I can do what ever I want"  "really? can you fly?"  *kicks him out of the top of the building. Bursts into flames in the sun*   "guess not" I mean its soo cheesy when you see it written but like, this whole show is cheesy, and to me that's part of the fun, something that makes me laugh. And in character it also makes me laugh because: *fondly rolls eyes* “look at that!  Angel again couldn’t pass the opportunity to be dramatic...”    But in scene it does work a little better because of the dramatic shots, the cool effects, plus the satisfaction of finally seeing the vampire murderer being stopped. Also, then you got the next one:

4- "What happened to Russel?"  "he went into the light" YEAH ok, its so simple, but the poker face of Angel in the middle of his brooding session makes it more funny, like in character he didn’t even think about making the joke, he just said a common phrase that means a person died, not even thinking about the double meaning, so Doyle also doesn’t acknowledge it as a joke.

3-  "he is going to kill everyone you care about" "there is no one left I care about"  *cut to Cordy meditating in her tiny apartment saying  : " I am somebody, I matter" I love smart cuts jokes. In the moment it just anticipates Cordelia is going to be the next vampire victim, but then you realize it anticipates how Cordelia is going to become someone important in the story and that matters a lot to Angel too.

2- Cordelia releasing this guy is a vampire >> defending her ability to identify vampires when questioned >> realizing said vampire is going to kill her>> saying she was just kidding The acting from both of them is very good, like the subtle denial of the vampire going “emm what? who? when? what?” and then changing into the menacing look, and Cordelia pointing the finger and UHG this is kind of unfair bc more than a joke its the entire scene that's really funny. And the comedy here also comes with the subversion of the helpless innocent victim trope, even if its just for that moment, because the protag is still Angel and he had to save her *rolls eyes* the fact that she can go “Hey I know what you are! I know about this stuff! I already went through worse!” its nice.

1- " It's about reachin' out to people. Showin' them that there's love and hope still left in this world." old lady living in the street: "hey, spare some change?"- "Get a job you lazy sow!"  shocking but sublime, perfect delivery, probably the funniest thing is how non of them acknowledges this and they continue talking about their own thing. It sets the mood for the story: this people might be trying to do some good but they are still kind of assholes with lot of issues and poor self awareness, so welcome to this shit-show. Enjoy

[earnestly-endlessly]

Hiii could you rec any fics where Erik or Charles or both are vampires and or werewolves?

Thank you so much dear lots of love

I'm so sorry for being so late with this, but in compensation I do have tons of fics that should quench your thirst for some vampire/werewolf cherik. Enjoy!

Vampire

And the Gunslinger Followed – musical_emjay

Summary: Erik Lehnsherr hunts the things that go bump in the night.

He’s done so since he was a child, since the first time his mother put a knife in his hand and told him how to use it, told him why he should.

But ten years alone on the road has caught up to him, left him wrung out and longing for a place to rest, recharge, get his head back on straight. Though nowhere has ever truly felt like home, he heads straight for New York City, a place that’s always had more to offer him by way of warmth and comfort than any other. What he finds when he gets there, however, is several miles south of anything approaching restful. Old acquaintances, old memories, and a mysterious stranger who has him forgetting all his rules — Erik soon realizes there are decisions he needs to make, before circumstances intervene and make them for him. Otherwise, he might not like the result.

An Accident of Circumstance – manic_intent

Summary: Secret Santa, for azryal00, prompts: virginity, stalking or vampire AU. Decided to attempt all, in one fic. As part of a reward for his successes in border skirmishes, Sebastian Shaw allows Erik discretion to create a childe of his own, within reason. Erik rebels.

B-Negative – manic_intent

Summary: Written for the 5 Acts thing on livejournal, for toestastegood's 'Vampire AU' Act. This was originally going to be some sort of True Blood parody, but it somehow became a bit more serious. :/

Bloodbound – ikeracity

Summary: Finding himself strapped for cash at the start of his senior year, Erik decides to become a donor at TypO, a blood bar where vampires come to drink fresh blood from consenting donors, safely and legally. There, he catches the eye of Charles Xavier, vampire, telepath, professor at Columbia, and quite possibly the most alluring person Erik's ever met. Their first meeting sets into motion a bond much deeper than they can understand, one that neither of them had ever expected.

Old Metal (Blood, Memory and Rubber Ducks) – pprfaith

Summary: Erik is a vampire. Sookie, err, Charles is a telepath. Any questions?

Food Allergies – madneto

Summary: A bout of insomnia one fateful night leads Erik to Xavier's, the late night bookstore near Columbia University, whose owner Erik quickly decides is the best thing since... well, since maybe ever. Charles is brilliant, funny, passionate, handsome, and every other good adjective Erik can think of, and even though they've only been on three dates, Erik is convinced this is the start of something perfect.

Then Charles has a bad reaction to the food Erik cooks for them on their fourth date, leaving Erik to wonder if maybe he's completely botched his one chance at true love.

Series

The Price for Eternity – madneto

Summary: Erik and Charles are relaxing in the park when Erik decides to ask Charles a question that has long been on his mind, re: vampires. The answer is unexpected.

Series

The Boy with the Sigil Tattoo – keire_ke

Summary: Buffy AU. The story of a boy and his vampire.

Love and Other Secrets – Microsaur

Summary: Erik is a vampire that would much rather be left alone, Charles is a baronet that can't seem to accept that.

The First One – SassyDuckQueen

Summary: Erik Lehnsherr is a vampire living in a peaceful life in New York City, where he works as a night time security guard at the Pentagram. He's in a relationship with Charles Xavier, a young professor at a private university. However, his life is thrown upside down by the return of his wayward son, Peter, who informs him that an old enemy has resurfaced.

Series

Blood Bound – WaxRhapsodic

Summary: Charles is sick. Again. He decides to do something drastic about it and take a Blood Contract with a Vampire who turns out to be dangerously attractive.

Night Holds No Redemption – isabella

Summary: Vampire Hunters AU

When vampires roam the city at night there are also those who will hunt them down.

Charles Xavier and James “Logan” Howlett are vampire hunters part of the NIB – Night Investigation Bureau, in New York. When Erik, a vampire Charles failed to kill, comes back to haunt him Charles finds he no longer can run from his past and has to face the truth about the monster he created.

Pairing info: Flashbacks are Charles/Erik, present focuses first on the growing relationship between Logan/Charles, then on Charles/Erik.

Endgame will be Charles/Erik.

Night Life – Ook

Summary: he young journalist, or researcher, or whatever he is, is going to get himself in trouble around here. Erik can tell.

A researcher who doesn't know when to stop.

A man who doesn't take no for an answer.

A vampire that doesn't give interviews.

Werewolf

Dancing in the Rain – Pangea, velvetcadence

Summary: Werewolf alpha Erik found a human pup Charles alone in the forest and took him back to his lair. Erik protected and cared for the boy, though he was barely a mature wolf himself.

A few years passed, Charles grew up so pretty, and Erik was afraid he would miss his kind and go back to them, leaving Erik to be alone again - but Charles stayed and chose to be Erik’s mate.

Moon Song – ikeracity

Summary: Werewolf AU. When Charles is captured by hunters, Erik and his pack go after him. It turns out there might be some room for redemption left for both of them after all.

Loyalty and Obedience – Ook

Summary: A human rent boy working the streets gets rescued from a pimp by the Lehnsherr Pack Head and his Second on a recruitment trip. Werewolves, huh?

Who knows where this one's going?

Skin Deep – manic_intent

Summary: Written for the kmeme, Everyone-is-a-werewolf AU. Erik happens upon a seemingly abandoned mansion in Westchester during a full moon and finds an insanely clueless werewolf living in isolation.

In Escrow – manic_intent

Summary: Same 'verse as Skin Deep, between the final part and the epilogue. Charles abruptly realizes that he's unable to shift forms after a full moon. Which can only mean one thing.

Supernatural and the Scientist – Caradee

Summary: Charles Xavier is a upcoming geneticist and wildlife biologist who’s next big thesis reveals a little to much about the hidden werewolf community. Now Erik Lehnsehrr is suppose to figure out who it is feeding Xavier the information and put an end to it.

However, things are not what they appear.

Open Season – Caradee

Summary: Charles is a adorable omega wolf who has no sense for pack dynamics and wanders on his own. Erik is the exhausted Alpha of the pack who is unfortunately smitten with him. Its hunting season, nothing can go wrong. Right?

Only Hope – onaxe

Summary: According to werewolf law, an unwed Omega cannot legally hold custody of a child. When Charles is challenged for custody over his 17 year old sister, Raven, he desperately turns to the only solution available. He marries a complete stranger, Alpha Erik Lehnsherr, who is haunted by a mysterious past.

Note: Unfinished but a fun read.

Tooth and Nail – TurtleTotem

Summary: Erik is no longer part of Charles's pack. It's none of his business who he takes as a mate.

Vampires and Werewolves

For you, Eternity – gerec, lachatblanche

Summary: Erik still remembers the day he lost everything to a pack of werewolves; his family, his village, and the love of his life. Left with nothing but regret and pain everlasting, he turns to Sebastian Shaw - who promises revenge in exchange for loyalty eternal.

For centuries, he leads his clan of vampires in a war against their hated enemy, the same werewolf pack responsible for the slaughter of Erik’s village. But now Logan - the pack’s new leader - wants to make peace with their age old adversaries; an act that neither side particularly cares to pursue.

Adding to this volatile mix is one Charles Xavier, scientist and academic, drawn to the continent by his fascination for the supernatural and the locals’ tales of love, betrayal and never-ending war…

On the Scent – dedkake

Summary: The full moon is nearing and Charles decides to visit his neighbor.

Does not ebb – StarkMad

Summary: prompt: "...I would love a fic with Charles and Erik in an Underworld AU basically with Charles as Selene's character and Erik as Michael Corvin's character

and/ooor nonnie could do an Underworld: Rise of the Lycans and Charles as Sonja's character and Erik as Lucian (feel free and make me cry, dearest nonnie) feel free to do whatever you want as long as the AU still remains identifiable (and just kill me with tons of Chares and Erik drama and lurve and heartache and whatever.

Dear Neighbour Mine – issabella

Summary: Fill for the prompt by Lonelyparts: Charles is a telepathic werewolf living next door to a vampire who favours severe black turtlenecks and metal coffins.

Of course they have to annoy each other first, before dangerous circumstances bring them together.

[buffster]

Blind Date (ATS 1.21)

This is part of my ongoing Buffyverse Project, where I write notes/meta for every episode in an attempt to better understand the characters and themes of the shows. You can find the BTVS list here and the ATS list here. Gifs are not mine.

For anyone that needs a refresher, this episode is the one where Lindsay has his first crisis of faith.

I actually enjoyed the way Wolfram & Hart was portrayed. It is very possible to see the appeal it holds for the employees. Sure, you’re doing absolute evil, but there’s a sense of belonging and a strong meritocracy that makes ambitious people want to prove themselves. Lindsey is able to climb in the company despite a lack of connections and Holland speaks to him like a real person, not someone he expects to follow orders and not ask questions. Underneath all that is a competitive atmosphere and a deep fear of the Senior Partners, but there’s a sense that if you try your best you really will succeed. I’m only pointing this out because in many villain groups there’s one head guy and you get the sense he murders a lackey every time they sneeze at the wrong moment. It makes it difficult to understand why they’d stick around. But Wolfram & Hart sells the idea that this is a game you can win. 

The main plot of the episode revolves around a blind woman that works for Wolfram & Hart as an assassin. Angel’s quick trip in and out of the courtroom showed an element of his personality I love to watch. He’s just so freaking fed up all the time. 

Holland: You're a young man, you've hitched your wagon to our star - and it's a bright star - but you're feeling a little, "is that all there is?

Lindsey: Sometimes you question things but it's no big -

Holland: I did a lot of crazy things when I was your age, you know, searching and all. It took me a while to realize how the world is put together and where I belonged in it. Actually, the world isn't that complicated: it's designed for those who know how to use it.

Lindsey: Yes sir.

Holland: Don't give me that Yes Sir crap, I want you to think about these things, you won't be happy until you find your place in the scheme of things.

After this, Holland informs him Vanessa will be going after children next. This is apparently a line Lindsey isn’t thrilled to cross.

Angel: Still their world, Wesley. Structured for power, not truth. It's their system. And it's one that works - because there's no guilt, no torment. No consequences. It's pure. I remember what that was like…Sometimes I miss that clarity.

There’s a hint of his coming crisis here that we will see play out later. Angel struggles with the one step forward, two steps back aspect of fighting evil more than we see Buffy do. I tend to think this has to do with his being immortal. Time stretches out endlessly for him and I think he longs for an end of the line. The day to day grind that sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t seems pretty daunting in that context. 

Lindsey: Our files aren't a hundred percent. But I guess it's fair to say you've never seen anything like real poverty. I'm talking dirt poor, no shoes, no toilet, six of us kids in a room and come flu season that went down to four. I was seven when they took the house, just came right in and took it. My daddy trying to be nice, joking with the bastards while he signed away the deed. Yeah, we had a choice: you got stepped on or you got to steppin'. I swore there with a stupid grin on my face while my life got dribbled out -

Angel: I'm sorry, I nodded off. Did you get to the part where you're evil?

Apparently getting cursed with a soul leaves you short on patience for excuses. In fairness, I’ll be the guy that takes the houses from the poor is an...interesting way to go. 

Angel: That's what we call an acceptable risk. You're panicking right now; you can't believe how bad you let things get. That's not change. You have to make a decision to change. You do that by yourself. Most people never do.

I appreciated Angel not just letting Lindsey off easy here. Typically, everyone would move right to being relieved he saw the light. Angel understands that changing is a lot deeper and harder than the realization that you need to. He’s an insider on getting away from evil.  

The gang decides to break into Wolfram & Hart to steal the important files. Gunn serves as a distraction. 

Gunn: Well my God. They told me it was true - I didn't believe 'em - but, damn, here it is. Evil white folks really DO have a Mecca! OW! Did you just step on my foot? Was that my foot you just stepped on? Are you assaulting me in this haven of justice? I don't believe it. Somebody get me a lawyer. Anybody? A lawyer? My civil rights have been seriously violated. Oh, I get it. You'll cater to the demon, cater to the dead man, but what about the black man?

In a serious oh shit moment, Lindsey is stopped by mind readers before he can make his exit. But Lee is the one who ends up murdered, for talking to another law firm and planning to switch his loyalties. 

Despite Holland knowing everything Lindsey did, he doesn’t kill him. He senses that it isn’t too late to keep Lindsey, unlike Lee. He lets him go because he is that confident that he’ll come back. And it also seems like Wolfram & Hart prizes the bold and ambitious, as long as they can be sure they’re on their side. 

Angel sees a scroll he didn’t plan on taking but felt drawn to. We later find out this is the prophecy about him.

In the end they’re able to save the children, with Lindsey’s help. But when Lindsey returns, his standing up to them and winning only makes him more valuable to Wolfram & Hart. He’s offered Holland’s old job, and he takes it.

Character Notes:

Willow Rosenberg: We get a small tie-in as Cordelia gets Willow’s help (over the phone) hacking into computer files. 

Lindsey McDonald: Holland hand picked him from Hastings when he was a sophomore. 

[itsclydebitches]

(WLW anon) I really don’t like the “bad rep is better then none at all”. I hate that. We should want good rep, because bad rep has been used time and time again by homophobes as to say we shouldn’t get representation. To me it’s not “gay can have the same flaws as het”, it’s “fix the flaws in the het”. Also I know Renora being independent was a good, I was just saying in comparison BB. Also, yes, they were separated, but also didn’t stop thinking about each other. Especially bad with Yang.

Indulge me for a moment because I want to take a trip down memory lane and list some—just some—of the queer rep that has been important to me over the years:

Ellen comes out both as herself and as her character… years later, she’s a hated millionaire who is criticized for how she treats her staff

The wildly influential Buffy gives us two women entering a loving relationship… except then Tara is killed off, Willow goes evil for a time, and Buffy comes under fire for Joss Whedon’s everything

The beloved and respectable headmaster of one of the most popular book series ever published is revealed to be gay… except it doesn’t count because it wasn’t in the text and now all of Harry Potter is cancelled because JKR is transphobic

Kurt is an unambiguously gay teen in a hugely popular TV series, acting as one of the first overt representations a generation has seen… except he’s way too stereotypical and Glee is a joke now

Orange is the New Black gives us a number of queer women, including one of our first trans characters… but isn’t it problematic that they’re all criminals?

Brooklyn Nine-Nine hosts an out gay captain and gives us a bisexual coming out story that resonated with many, myself included… except now we’re supposed to hate all the characters on principle because they’re cops

Korra and Asami walk off into the spiritual sunset together… but they never kiss or anything, so that doesn’t count either

Steven Universe gives us a queer relationship and a wedding… but it’s an issue that this is just a kid’s show and, really, does it count when the rep is embodied by space rocks whose entire species only creates a single gender? Feels like a cop-out

Same with Good Omens. Yeah, Crowley and Aziraphale clearly love each other… but you never see them kiss or declare their intentions. It’s great ace rep though! Unless you want to level the criticism that asexual characters are always nonhuman

A character intended to be a minor guest becomes a show staple and eventually declares his love for one of the two main characters… except then Castiel immediately dies, Dean doesn’t respond, and they never meet on screen again

I finished Queen’s Gambit the other day and the main character had a one-night stand with a woman! … but everyone is talking about how bisexuality is used to represent her lowest point, so that’s bad too

I could go on for literal pages. Some of these arguments I agree with (Dumbledore), others I’ve pushed back against quite strongly (Crowley and Aziraphale), but all of them are valid criticisms depending on what part of the queer community you’re in and what your expectations are. My point here is that it’s all “bad rep.” I mean that seriously. If anyone reading this is scrambling for the comment section to say why [insert media title here] is actually fantastic rep, I guarantee that someone disagrees. Or if they don’t, give it some time. Just wait until the characterization becomes offensively outdated, or another part of the story ruins the relationship, or it comes out that the author did something truly horrific, or the terminology changes and it’s labeled as “problematic” now… just wait. At some point, any rep we feel is good rep now will be criticized, cancelled, and dragged through the mud. The rep that I personally haven’t seen much push-back against—like the beloved Captain Jack Harkness in Doctor Who, or Schitts Creek that just won a ton of awards—is wrapped up in the criticism, “So it’s all just about able-bodied, cis, (mostly) white dudes, huh? :/”  Even the argument that queer characters need to be written by queer authors doesn’t hold up. I absolutely adored Sense8. “Wow, a gay main character in a loving relationship with another gay man, both of whom enter a loving poly relationship with a woman, another lesbian trans main character who marries the love of her life on screen, an entire cast arguably queer due to them sharing orgy scenes centered around the emotional intimacy they share, everyone survives, and this was written by two trans women! Great, right?” Well, not according to the wealth of opinions explaining how Sense8 is horrible rep, actually. Every piece of rep we’ve got is either currently flawed or will become flawed in the future.

So what do we do with that?

That’s where my “I’d rather have bad rep than no rep at all” comes in. For me, that’s not waving the white flag. That’s not an oath that I won’t expect better rep in the future (I do) or that I won’t criticize the rep we get (BOY DO I), but rather just an acknowledgement of reality. The vast majority—if not the entirety—of rep is “bad rep” in one way or another, but I’d still rather have it than nothing at all. Because I’ve lived just long enough and studied media just enough to know what nothing looked like. It was watching all queer characters meet untimely deaths. Before that it was watching queer characters be derided and treated as jokes. Before that it was nothing but coding, where queer characters didn’t exist except in our own headcanons and interpretations. Obviously “bad rep” covers a very large range of issues and “They haven’t even confirmed this relationship yet” is a bigger issue than “This queer character embodies one or two, mild stereotypes,” but ultimately I’d take any of it over nothing at all. And enjoying what we’ve currently got doesn’t mean I’m willing to settle for it indefinitely.

To use an iffy analogy, imagine there’s a factory. This factory makes plates. So. Many. Plates. Big plates, small plates, plain plates, decorative plates, plates for every possible occasion in your life—and everyone with a steak for dinner is pleased as punch. You though? You’ve got soup. You need a bowl. Your entire life you’ve been struggling to eat your soup off a plate (it doesn’t work) and listening to friends and family claim that the plate with a slightly raised edge could be a bowl if you squint (it’s not). To say it’s frustrating is an understatement.

But then, one day, the factory starts producing bowls too. Hurray! Except as soon as you get your hands on one, you’re told you really shouldn’t be using it, let alone praising it. Look at the state of that bowl! It’s cracked right down the middle, ugly as hell, shoddily made all around… you’re not really going to settle for that, are you? And no, you obviously still want the factory to produce better bowls, but at the same time, this is a bowl. You’ve never gotten one before and you can finally enjoy your meal, even if the soup leaks at times. Sometimes a lot. But you’re still feeling better about your meal than you ever have before. And what you then begin to realize is that lots of the plates are a mess too. They also have cracks, they’re also ugly, many are also shoddily made. The difference is that the factory is producing so many plates at such a rapid pace that every steak eater is able to get by. One plate breaks completely? You’ve got a thousand fallbacks. Don’t like the look of this one? A thousand other options. You disagree about what “shoddily made” means? Luckily there are enough plates that everyone can find what they prefer! But the bowls… there’s only a few. Some are really expensive. Others are only available for a limited time before they suddenly disappear. Your bowl breaks and you have to wait months, years sometimes, to get another one. You’re constantly told to go buy this one obscure bowl no one else has heard about and yeah, you like it... but you’d also like to buy one of the bowls everyone is already enjoying. You find yourself looking at the plates and thinking, “I’d like that. I’d like to have so many options that the flaws, while still a problem, are much more bearable.” You’re still going to demand that the factory get its shit together, you’re still going to (rightly) complain about the awful quality of your bowl… but it’s still nice to have a bowl, period. There are still things you like about it, even if it’s a mess: the color, the size, the beauty of the shape of it. Its potential. You’re still pleased you have something to enjoy and that helps serve the need you’re looking to fill, even if that something is imperfect.

That’s “bad rep is better than no rep.” To bring this very long response back to Blake/Yang, I don’t think their problems negate their benefits. Is their relationship currently non-canonical and filled with a number of writing issues everyone has a right to be angry about? Yup. I express that anger a great deal. Are they still half of a team on a very popular show that is (presumably) set to be canonized as queer? Yup. I’d much rather live in a world where big shows like RWBY try to include queer rep and fail in a multitude of ways—with the expectation and hope that they’ll continue to improve—rather than in a world where authors a) don’t care or b) are too scared to try. Because that’s where a “good rep or no rep” stance leads. The danger isn’t homophobes because they’re, well, homophobes. It doesn’t matter if the rep is good or not, they hate it on principle. But if queer authors writing for other queer identities, or allies writing queer identities, or even queer authors writing their own experiences (like in Sense8) continually come under non-stop fire for their attempts… there’s a good chance that many people won’t ever try. We’re already seeing that here on tumblr with young authors admitting that they wouldn’t touch [insert topic here] with a ten-foot pole because just look at what happens when you get it wrong. And authors will get things wrong because authors are fallible people forever unlearning their own ignorance. So though it might sound strange coming from a blog that has turned into such a RWBY critical space, I am glad that RWBY’s queer rep exists, despite all the frustrations that I share about it. I think a RWBY with various types of “bad” queer rep is better than a RWBY with no queer rep at all, particularly when “bad” or “good” is so intensely subjective. There’s a middle ground between passively accepting whatever we’re given, and tearing into rep with such ferocity that we end up rejecting it all. There’s a space where we can be critical of rep and embrace the parts that work for us, simultaneously.

I hope and expect the het rep will get better too, but… that’s never going to happen instantly. To quote RWBY, there’s no magic wand we can wave to fix all our problems. Rather, it will take slow, plodding, meandering, lifetimes’ worth of work to see that change occur and I personally don’t want to spend the one life I have waiting for that perfect rep to show up. Because it’s unlikely that it will. While we work, I’d rather find the good in what rep we’ve already got.  

[beautifuljetblackheart]

Film Swap - Harry Holland

A/N: HOLY SHIT!  This fucken writers block sucks ass. My motivations went down hill after COVID happened. Summary: You go pick up your film but it was put in the wrong envelope. Warnings: I found this cute. idk anymore. Words: 1700+

“I have been waiting almost two weeks for this roll”

“Go before they close and get me some chips while you are there,” I grabbed my car keys and left to the store.

I parked the car and walked inside. I looked for Clair’s favorite chips and went to the front of the store to get checked out, “Will this be all?”

“I also came to pick up some pictures,” she turned around and grabbed the envelope, “No bag as well”

“What’s the name?”

“Y/N,” the lady grabbed the envelope and walked back scanning it. “Total is thirteen fifty-five,” I inserted the card into the machine. I thanked her and left. I got in the car and drove back to my apartment

“I am back,” I walked over to Clair and gave her the bag of chips. I opened the envelope and took out the pictures. These were different pictures than what I took, “What the fuck”

“What, did they get exposed?”

“No, these are not mine, but they are good,” I started to look for the picture they scan of the person’s information. “Harry Holland, they gave me the wrong ones,” Clair started laughing

“I hope you didn’t take any nudes,” did I? I mean they were nude, but not nude-nude. She laughed even more once I didn’t answer. I don’t even remember what I took. I looked back at the picture

“Holy fucken shit. It’s him”

“The Harry Holland you stalk?”

“It’s called admiring but that’s not the point. Maybe we can do a photoshoot together, imagine that?” My phone vibrated and I looked at it. “Someone texted- maybe it’s him”

‘Maybe: Harry - Hey Y/N, this is Harry, by chance did you receive my pictures?’

“IT IS HIM!”

“Well answer him back”

“I don’t know what to say,” I stared at the message he sent

“Something like ‘hi Harry, yes they gave me the wrong ones. We can meet up to exchange’ Because obviously neither of you guys are going to be sending them through mail. Too expensive for just for a small item to be sent”

“Yeah. You’re right,” I typed in what she told me after a few times of her repeating it to me, “what if he says to just mail it to him”

“I highly doubt it,” as soon as she said that my phone vibrated again.

“He said. ‘Yes. How about we meet at Buffy’s Cafe tomorrow at ten?’ Just act casual like. Okay yeah sounds good,” Clair nods.

——

The next morning I got ready and waited for Clair to come out of her room, “let’s go,” I drove the both of us to Buffy’s Cafe. I was more nervous than ever. What if he’s rude? What if he’s really nice or what if he’s awkward like me or what if he’s weirder than I expect? They say to never meet your heroes. Focus on the road!

I parked the car and we both got out of the car, Clair handed me the envelope and made our way inside, we were a couple minutes early. We decided to get coffee and drink outside.

“I can feel you overthinking, calm down,” Clair sips her coffee, “I mean what can happen?”

“I know, I know but you know I get when I meet new people”

“Yes, I do. Greet him. Tell him that you liked his pictures and say have a great day,” I glared at her, but she was right. I had to be calm and can’t have him joining us for coffee. We haven’t even met. I looked at my phone and it was already five past ten, “I think that’s him,” she pointed behind me, I turned my body slightly around. Please be nice, please be nice. He looked over at my direction, I smiled and waved and he returned the gesture.

“Hi, I’m Harry. Here are your pictures. I like your pictures”

“Hi I’m Y/N and this is my friend Clair. I’m actually a fan of your photography. I was shocked when I saw your pictures there,” I’m ready to jump off a building. Luckily I stopped myself before I did something else embarrassing

“Really. That’s actually pretty cool, I am- one second,” he pulled out his phone, “uh- thanks Y/N for meeting and exchanging. I’ll see you around,” I gave him a nod

“Thanks for stopping me,” I glared at Clair, giving her the death glare

“I saw that you were handling it perfectly,” she smirked

—

“Soooo… how was it?” The boys were surrounding Harry wanting details on how the meet up went

“Pretty  great! She is so gorgeous, you know how long I’ve been wanting to meet her?”

“Why can’t this ever happen to me?” Harrison rolled his eyes getting a hush from Tuwaine.

“She had a beautiful smile on her face”

“Okay love bird. What’s her name”

“Y/N”

“Did she notice she was missing a picture?” Tom laughed at the inappropriate picture Harry had taken from you, his cheeks tinted a color of red.

“You should meet up with her again if you really like her,” Tuwaine suggested

“And tell her what?” Harry grabbed a beer from the fridge, “that I am a big fan of her pictures. That I want to take her out on a date”

“Text her and tell her that you want to see her again,” Tom butted in

“I think she will think it will be weird meeting up again,” He took a swig out of the bottle, “she said she was a fan but I don’t want to scare her”

“You’re a fan too. Say that you are doing a project, that you don’t have many friends that are available for it,” Harry nodded at the great idea that Harrison came up with

“That’s perfect but what if she says something about the project. Like what’s the meaning of it or something like that”

“Just bullshit it. It’s not that hard to bullshit something,” Harrison shrugged

“I’ll do it tomorrow,” Harry went to his room thinking of how he was going to ask you. He looked at the picture he took from you.

———

“I really don’t like how this one looks. I mean I do like it but I’m just not feeling if it”

“You’re still in that picture?” I looked up at Clair who was cooking, “just delete it”

“I just thought I was able to fix it but it’s just difficult,” my phone vibrated and I ignored it, “okay, I’m done with it. I can’t do anything about it.” My laptop dinged, it was a message from ‘maybe:harry’ I looked at my phone and saw the text message

‘Hey, y/n, it’s Harry. I’m doing this new project and I was wondering if you could be a model for this project’

You laughed at the message and read it out loud for Clair to hear it, “ooooh, you made a good first impression on Harry. Or maybe it’s that picture that you took that he kept”

“I was covered and I was feeling myself,” Clair laughed, “should I be like ‘yeah, I can model for you’ or ‘of course, when are you starting on it?’ Or ‘just be casual like ‘sure thing!’”

“The second one”

“I’m getting anxious. What if he’s actually a serial killer?”

“Well we will find out if you don’t show up by tonight,” I glared once again at Clair, “I’m joking. Lighten up. His brother is pretty well known and common. Do you really think he’s a serial killer?”

“Look at previous killers before. They all seem nice and good looking then they pull a fast one on you”

“You’re way overthinking this,” she handed me a plate, “you gotta lay down on the criminal investigation show”

“Thank”

“If you don’t feel comfortable around him after a while being with him. Send me a message and I can get you out of that situation,” she fills up two glasses of wine. I looked at my phone and saw he texted me

“He said. If we can meet up by the park and to dress casual”

“Even better. Now you don’t have to rely on him driving you, what a gentelman,” she sarcastically spoke

“Maybe he doesn’t want me to feel weirded out”

——

I parked the car by the park. This was it, I got out of the car and became very aware of my surroundings as soon as I started walking. I saw a guy taking pictures and realized it was Harry, focus. I took a deep breath and walked up to him

“Hey Harry,” He lowered his camera and smiled at me. What a handsom guy.

“Hi, are you ready or do you need a minute?”

“I think I’m ready”

“Great, this is basically something that I’ve been thinking for a while but my friends and brothers are always busy with something. Have you seen those pictures where people hold like a picture frame or a big branch from a tree then they edited to make it look like their coming out from that item they are holding”

“Yeah, I really love those”

“Yeah I wanted to give that a try”

—

A few minutest passed and Harry and I have been sitting on the grass laughing and some pictures he took of me. “Look at this one. You can see a guy on a mid sneeze,” I looked at the picture and bursted out laughing

“Now that one is funny”

“This was one of the funnest photo shoots I’ve ever done. Usually they are all about clothes, shoes, jewelry”

“Have you ever done some recordings? Those are fun to make and edit,” there and then Harry believed he had found his soulmate

“Do you film?”

“Not anymore. I just don’t have the time to be editing videos. How about you?”

“I do, I’ve been part of a project that does filming somewhere big films others were just short”

“That’s so cool! You need to show me some of your film work”

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” I smiled

“Okay, deal”

“Does that mean I’ll be seeing you more than just today?”

“Well yeah, you have to show me your recordings,” Harry mentally facepalmed himself for saying that, “but I do hope we can see more of each other afterwards”

[sapphosclown]

Treat You Better - Tyrus AU

Part XIV: i guess we carried each other

Cyrus and TJ present their history project.

Masterlist

———

———

Cyrus was woken up by his alarm, a pleasant scene where birds are chirping quietly in the background and a soft melody crescendos into a lovely morning song.

It absolutely infuriated him.

Nothing against birds or happy music, but it’s 6am and Cyrus has been studying for midterms all week and and now he has to present a project with the guy who is mad at him for whatever unknown reason and quite frankly, Cyrus didn’t want to leave his bed ever again.

The memory of his and TJ’s rehearsal on Monday has been haunting him all week. Andi and Buffy said not to worry about it so he’s really been trying not to, but he can’t.

He misses how it used to be. TJ was always so open and talkative during their study sessions even Cyrus was rude and dismissive. He made Cyrus laugh anyways, made him feel relaxed. It didn’t feel like a school project, it just felt like hanging out with a friend. And now that he can enjoy that atmosphere, it’s taken away from him. Because of course it is.

Cyrus begrudgingly got out of bed and threw on his clothes before going to brush his teeth.

He got to school 15 minutes before the first exam period and saw Andi and Buffy in their usual spots and Jonah sitting on the table across from Buffy in the cafeteria.

“Hey, Cyrus!” Jonah smiled wide at him and held his hand up for a high five to which Cyrus responded with a weak tap as he slid into his seat.

“C'mon man you can do better than that.” Jonah said disapprovingly as he held his hand over to Buffy who slapped his hand without even looking.

“I’m sorry, I’m so tired today.” Cyrus groaned, rubbing his eyes.

“Good thing I got a present for you,” Buffy sang as she slid an iced coffee across the table to him.

He looked at the coffee and back to buddy, eyes wide. “I love you.” He deadpanned, causing his friends to laugh.

“Today’s our last day and then it’s winter break, you got this!” Jonah nudged his shoulder gently.

“I think he’s just not excited for today in particular.” Andi replied, breaking apart each syllable of “particular”.

“Why, what’s happening today?” Jonah asked.

“He has his presentation with TJ today.” Buffy whispered loudly to Jonah.

“Oh.” Jonah whispered loudly back.

“You guys are so subtle.” Andi mimicked their voices.

“Whatever. I’ll be fine. Can we talk about something else?” Cyrus dismissed and took a sip of his coffee.

That lit up something in Buffy. “Oh yeah! Andi, tell him.”

“OH YEAH! Cyrus, you know how I was gonna ask Amber for her number?” She said excitedly.

“I do. Did you chicken out?” Cyrus teased, taking another sip of his drink.

Andi glared at him. “No.” she said quickly before shifting her eyes to the ceiling. “Well, I didn’t really get a chance BECAUSE SHE ASKED ME FIRST!”

Cyrus smiled at Buffy. “Called it.” He whispered loudly. Andi hit his arm playfully as he giggled and flinched away.

“Whatever. I still don’t know if she’s—”

“She is.” Jonah interjected.

Everyone turned to him with confused expressions.

“How do you know?” Andi asked.

“She told me. She doesn’t try to keep it a secret, did you not see the rainbow pin on her bag? Or the rainbow sticker on her name tag?” Jonah explained.

Buffy snorted.

“No I saw— She told you?” Andi asked again, still very lost.

“Yeah we’re friends.”

“Not the development I expected but a good one nonetheless.” Buffy joked to Cyrus.

“Since when?” Andi yelled.

“A while now. Our moms are friends and we have a lot in common. She told me she was gay like 2 years ago, I’m surprised you didn’t figure it out.” Jonah replied.

Andi stared at him.

“You knew her this whole time, and didn’t think to say anything?”

“I didn’t realize she was the girl you were madly in love with.”

Buffy snorted again.

“I AM NOT IN LOVE W—” Andi got cut off by the 5 minute warning bell and Buffy Cyrus and Jonah all started grabbing their bags to head to class. Andi stares at Jonah, grabbing her own bag. “We’re finishing this conversation later Beck.” She threatened before walking away.

Jonah looked at Cyrus with fear in his eyes.

“Don’t look at me man!”

“What did I do!” Jonah laughed as he and Cyrus headed to their first exam.

***

The good news is Cyrus had English for his first exam to distract him from his impending doom. The bad news is English is is over and now he has to go to history.

Under regular circumstances he’d be glad that his teacher is taking these presentations for their midterm grades, but he’s kind of too busy cursing whatever god is out there controlling his life to worry about his grade.

Cyrus subconsciously walked ever so slightly slower to his history classroom, knowing it doesn’t actually make a difference to what’s gonna happen but it’s worth a shot. Turns out it kind of worked, but in the worst way possible.

Cyrus got to the room at the exact same time as TJ and they practically ran each other over trying to get through the door at the same time.

“Hey, what the hell— Cyrus!” TJ said much louder than he probably meant to.

Cyrus stood at him in shock for a second. Of course he thought to himself. “Um, sorry I wasn’t paying attention.” He forced a smile and walked into class as TJ called after him.

“Wait, Cyrus—” TJ said, taking a seat next to him. “Can... Can we talk?”

Cyrus opened his mouth to respond but the only sound that came was from the bell signaling clad to start. Cyrus looked to the front of the room where their teacher had already started talking.

“Alright, we don’t really have time to waste so, look for you and your partners names on the board. If each presentation is 3-5 minutes we should have some time leftover to watch a quarter of a movie. Sound good?”

The class mumbled in content agreement.

“Great. If you and your partner feel like you’d like to go over your work one more time, you can practice in the hall QUIETLY, while the group before you is presenting. Alright, first up—”

And so Cyrus spent the first 15 minutes of class sitting awkwardly next to TJ as they kept looking over at each other in what was supposed to be sneaky glances but they’re kind of bad at being subtle and make contact almost every time. Eventually the people before then stand up to present and TJ turns to Cyrus.

“Hey, can we—” He whispered pointing to the hallway. Cyrus pressed his lips in a straight line attempting an awkward smile and grabbed his bag, TJ following him suite.

TJ quietly closed the door behind them and turned around.

He took a deep breath. “Um— I just wanted to apologize for how I acted the other day.”

Cyrus shifted a bit. “Okay...”

They stood in silence for a beat.

“So...”

“That was it.”

“Have you ever heard an apology? Like ever?” Cyrus tried to joke but he knew it came off more bitter than he meant it to.

“I’m sorry, you’re right.”

“So you’ve apologized for not apologizing, but you still haven’t apologized.” Cyrus stated.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re hard to apologize to?” TJ retorted.

“No, actually. This would be a first.” TJ smiled at that.

“Okay. I’m sorry for how i acted the other day. That wasn’t fair to you. I guess I just thought that if I pretended like I didn’t care it’d make things easier but I was... very wrong.”

“Yeah. No kidding.” Cyrus snorted.

TJ looked at his shoes and Cyrus stared at him. “It’s okay. I mean, I guess I understand where you were coming from but it still kind of sucked. I thought you hated me.” Cyrus said.

“I know. I’m sorry.” TJ said again.

Cyrus nodded.

A soft smiled tugged at TJ’s lips before he tore his eyes to his notebook. “Um, good job on your section by the way, I don’t get a chance to say it but yeah. Not that I thought you’d do a bad job or anything because you’re really smart and I’m actually surprised you stuck with me as your partner because—”

“Thanks, TJ.” Cyrus cut off his rambling, laughing quietly. “You did a really good job too. And you pretty much nailed all the dates too so, congratulations.”

“Ha, thanks.” TJ clearly didn’t believe him.

“Seriously Teej,” Cyrus took a step forward and put his hand on the other boys shoulder. “You should be proud of yourself.”

Cyrus saw TJ’s cheeks turning a light shade of pink s he felt his own face burn a little. If nothing else, one thing hadn’t changed— TJ still had the prettiest eyes Cyrus has ever seen.

They were interrupted by the door opening and their teachers face popped through. “You boys are up!” He whispered enthusiastically before slipping back into the room.

The boys looked at each other a again and laughed awkwardly, both still extreme shades of red but pretending they weren’t.

Their presentation actually went pretty smoothly. The biggest issue they ran into was stuttering every here and there, but this was already ten million times better than their practice run had been. Both of them quickly melted into their dynamic and everything else came pretty naturally and they were done in about 3 and a half minutes. The class snapped quietly (as to not disturb the other classes) and they both sat down, continuing the rest of class “sneaking” looks at each other and smiling when they made eye contact every time.

***

Cyrus stared at his phone while his friends talked around him at Andi’s locker. It started with Andi scolding Jonah for not being her wingman earlier on but Cyrus lost tack pretty quickly as his mind wandered back to TJ.

He was staring at his contact in his phone and debating on sending a text. On one hand, he wasn’t entirely sure where they stood now. Were they friends again? Were they just school acquaintances again? They weren’t project partners anymore so should he keep TJ’s phone number? Cyrus could already feel that he was about to drive himself crazy and just pushed aside all his thoughts and typed out a message.

Cyrus: good job on the project today!! all things considered i think we did pretty well :)

Cyrus shuts off his phone and puts it back in his pocket as he tried to ignore the part of his brain screaming at him. He heard about 3 words in the conversation unfolding before him before he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He yanked his phone back out and read the message in the screen

TJ: thanks :) i can’t take too much credit tho, you definitely carried me the whole way through

Cyrus: you’re simply incorrect. you carried me

TJ: i guess that means we carried each other then huh

Cyrus: i guess it does

“Oooooooooo, who ya textin?” Buffy sang, poking at Cyrus’s arm.

“No one!” He tried to say but the smile on his face begged to differ.

“So did you and TJ make up then?” Andi asked.

“Yeah. We talked before the presentation and it helped.” Cyrus blushed harder.

“You should invite him to the spoon with us!” Jonah proposed.

Cyrus looked at all his friends. “Really? Are you guys sure its okay?”

“Of course! Andi’s invited Amber, who’s one more gonna hurt!” Buffy replied.

“Okay...” Cyrus turned back to his phone, his friends watching him intently. Cyrus stood still and cleared his throat aggressively. Catching the hint they all turn back to their own little conversation.

“So, words amirite?” He hears Andi say.

Cyrus: my friends and i are getting some celebratory end of semester shakes at the spoon, if you’re not doing anything you can join, if you want

He clicked his phone off again pretending like nothing was happening because technically, nothing was happening. He invited his friend to get milkshakes with his friends, big whoop. Except everyone had gone silent again and was staring at Cyrus.

“What we’re you saying about words, Andi?”

“Oh, uh—”

Their fake conversation quickly turned into a very real and heated debate about phonetics which Cyrus had invested himself in hoping to forget about the fact that a full minute and a half has already passed and he still hasn’t heard anything back.

Another minute passes and Cyrus was just about ready to call it quits when he felt his pocket buzz.

TJ: sounds fun :) i’ll meet you guys there?

Cyrus: cool :)

They get to the Spoon and see Amber sitting the the largest corner booth in her normal people clothes. She stands up and waves them over with a smile on her face.

“I already ordered some baby taters but I wasn’t sure what milkshakes you guys wanted because I can never remember who likes what.” Amber said nervously as everyone took their seat.

“That’s ok. There’s one more joining us so we’ll order when he gets here.” Jonah reassured her.

“Oh, who is it?”

As if on que, the door rang as TJ stepped inside and scanned the room, and then waving excitedly when he sees Cyrus.

“You’re joking.” Amber laughs in disbelief and stands up again, making eye contact with TJ who’s face drops like hers before they both start laughing hysterically leaving everyone feeling confused and kind of left out.

“Wait... that’s...” TJ laughed before Amber shushed him.

“I didn’t realize you were talking about...” Amber started before TJ shushed her.

“Hey, what’s going on...” Buffy whispered to the two of them.

“Oh, um, Cyrus remember when I told you I have a sister—” TJ said simply, gesturing towards Amber.

Amber turned to Cyrus and smiled and waved weakly.

“No way.” Buffy said to no one in particular as she smiled widely. She was gonna have a field day with this.

Jonah looked like he was about to pee his pants trying not to laugh and Cyrus and Andi were completely stunned and just stared at each other for a second before also laughing, the rest of the group doing the same.

“I hate it here.” Amber joked as she sat down next to Andi.

“I’ve literally never been happier in my life.” Buffy laughed as she moved so TJ could sit next to Cyrus.

“Jonah, why didn’t you tell them?” Amber yelled at him.

“I THOUGHT THEY HAD FIGURED IT OUT! Cyrus has been to your house multiple times how did you not know!” Jonah yelled back.

They dissolved into more playful yelling and despite being way too loud for this little diner, Cyrus still felt happier than he had all year.

A waiter came over after they had quieted down and took their orders. Everyone started talking about something but Cyrus had noticed that TJ’s pinky was touching his own and that was all he could focus on. It was the lightest touch and yet if felt like his skin was on fire. As if that wasn’t enough, TJ must have noticed it too, because he looped his finger over Cyrus’s, making Cyrus’s face heat up involuntarily and he hoped no one had noticed. When Cyrus didn’t move away, TJ carefully flipped his hand over and intertwined the rest of their fingers. Cyrus looked at him but TJ had gone back into the conversation. Cyrus smiled at him and then tuned back in himself.

He never wanted this to end.

He was happy.

———

———

previous // next

a/n: happy boys for today me thinks 😌 the angst is finally dying down and there’s i think gonna be two more chapters (excluding the epilogue) and our boys are gonna get the happy ending they deserve but for now, they hold hands under the table at the spoon and enjoy the company of their friends. ALSO I WAS LOOSING MY MIND WRITING THE PART WHERE W TJ AND AMBER OH MY GOD i hope you enjoyed lmao

also i’m updating my tag list to make sure the notifications are getting sent and if you want to be added or taken off just lmk!!

tag list:

@secretly-of-course @abg-blah @maybeldontwantheaven @thebisexualweirdo @randomsmilingpotatoes @iam-johnlocked @ohnoitsamistake18 @im-mormon-and-not-straight @unrequitedambi @marriedtobigfoot @fairygclds @c-ristopher @tylercamebackyes @tyrus-is-canon @craftyceleb @ana-lana-ding-dong @dancinglifeboat

[shewantsthed20]

Spellbound (Part two)

Slowly you get used to life with Max Tooth rotting fluff, I am not sorry for this Slight sassiness no trigger warnings 1019 words 

Playing the Part:

It’s been a week and you would stake the bastard yourself if you could. He’s so condescending to you and you hate it, making you sit on his lap when he talked to his employees, otherwise, you were his personal assistant for meetings serving his every need. Well, not every. One thing he was letting you decide was when you’ll sleep together. Not if, when. He was that cocky. The prick. You had been living with him and other than annoying the hell out of you, he’d taken care of your needs surprisingly well. Food, clothes, a nice warm Maxless bed to sleep in, everything you could want.... except for your freedom. A part of you was thankful to him for saving you from the others but a part of you wished that he would have let you go instead of claiming you as his. Now everyone in the office referred to you as his bride, and it’s a word you kept asking him about but he just smirked that little smirk and said something that got under your skin and soon you would be forgetting all about your question and just plain annoyed with him. Glaring at the far too handsy business associate, he had grabbed at your ass three times, but thankfully you were quick and Max was here,, you sat down near Max during the meeting, shrugging off the hand he wrapped around your waist possessively before changing your mind and leaning into it, hiding your own smirk as you looked down as Max paused for a moment, shocked you let him touch you before continuing as if nothing happened at all. A light blush on your cheeks. You knew later on he would have something to say to you, but he was professional through the whole meeting. Finally when the door closed, he tapped his knee once and, sighing, you went to sit on his lap, adjusting your tight red pencil skirt in the process. “You did the right thing today, I know you don’t want to be very close to me yet, but when other vampires are present that are not from this office, stay close to me, at least pretend you enjoy being mine. I don’t want someone to challenge me for you, it could end up badly for you.” What shocked you was he was being sincere as you nodded. “I can do that, stick close to you.” You replied quietly as he nodded, a hand gently running through your hair that had you closing your eyes and leaning into his touch before coming to your senses and leaning back away. “Can you finally tell me what the hell a bride is?” You ask him softly, leaning back against him, sure it’s a dirty trick, but he’s more honest when you’re touching. A deep sigh as he nuzzled your neck as you bit your bottom lip. “A bride is usually a witch or other magical creature that is claimed by a vampire to be their companion for eternity, they do everything together and oftentimes...fall in love with their vampire owners. We are connected in a way, if someone were to take you from me, it would be like a living death sentence for you.” He whispered as you shivered, wondering why he was still nuzzling your neck, realizing your hand was in his hair encouraging him. Moving away as you cleared your throat, trying to snap out of whatever this was. “Yeah, that would never happen.” You murmured, getting out of his lap as you hurried to gather your files, not hearing the whispered words as you shut the door behind you. “Oh, darling, it's already begun.” Later on that night at home, you had just sunk into a nice bubble bath in the at least two person jacuzzi tub, your eyes closed when you heard the door open and a small sigh as he sat down. “Max?” You asked, opening an eye, surprised and pleased to see that he was still clothed in his matching silk pajamas that you could swear were bespoke as well they fit him so well. A bottle of unopened wine (red, of course!) and two stemless wine glasses in his hands. “Sorry, figured you wanted some time to relax.” He replied as if sitting here while you bathed was a regular occurrence. He seemed….ansty and you found yourself tilting your head in curiosity. “You seem...weirder than usual, what’s wrong?” You asked him, not expecting an answer as he huffed again, shrugging, looking down as he placed the wine and glasses down on the floor. “Just wanted to be close to you.” He mumbled and you felt something breaking inside you. Sighing deeply, you stared at him. “If this is a ploy to get into my pants and if you so much as point out that I’m not wearing any right now, I will set your dick on fire.” You warned him and he knew that you could. Hands up, he nodded. “Well, now I won’t say a word.” He replied, pouring the wine as he handed you a glass, sitting near the tub looking lonely and you sighed deeply. “This is a platonic bath, you can come in but no touching me or trying anything.” You set the rules and he nodded. “I will even wear a blind fold if that makes you comfortable.” He offered and you nodded. “Yes. That works.” You agreed, wondering where he would get one, and blinking as he took off then came back holding a black silk blindfold, bending down to have you tie it, squeaking in shock as he stripped and was sliding down next to you gracefully, sighing in bliss at the hot water and bubbles, sipping his wine. “This is nice.” He sighed as you rolled your eyes and lay back against the edge, drinking wine with him. “So, I’m ordering Chinese and watching Buffy on Netflix later in bed...if you’re still feeling lonely.” You found yourself inviting him. And that is how you ended up spending your nights together. Tagging: @weirdowithnobeardo, @awkward-walking-potato

[fangirlxwritesx67]

Come For Me

Come For Me Sam Winchester x female reader 

Tags: 18+, smut, sex, canon level violence (no serious injury to characters), feelings, kissing, fingering, first time together.  3100 words

@idabbleincrazy sent this aesthetic to @cabin-fever-bang I love to write for her images so I picked this up immediately. Hope you enjoy, dude! Thanks @there-must-be-a-lock for the beta. ... 

"You picked the wrong chick for a snack," you said, trying to sound more confident than you felt.

The vampire looked you up and down hungrily. "Big words for a little woman tied up in a vampire's lair." 

The vampire's lair was, in fact, some kind of decommissioned factory, all brick and bare wood. Smudged tall windows let in filtered sunlight. Old forgotten bits of machinery lay scattered about.

You tilted your chin up defiantly. "Sam Winchester will come for me." 

"Sam Winchester?" He spoke in a theatrical, mocking tone. "Ooooh, I'm frightened." 

You shook your head. Wow, this guy was really taking the whole vampire thing to the next level. You wondered if he had watched Dark Shadows and Buffy the Vampire Slayer before or after he was turned. His gestures and tone were so over the top, you half expected him to swirl a cape next. 

But thinking of Sam suffused you with a warm confidence. Not for one moment did you doubt him. 

"Sam will be here," you repeated with more surety in your voice.

The vampire smirked. "If you say so, little one." He grazed painted fingernails down your cheek and you flinched away. "I'll be back later for a taste."

He exited the room with a flourish, leaving you alone. You tested the ropes keeping your hands tied behind your back to the chair. There was no give. Your ankles were tied down as well. You knew, logically, struggling would get you nowhere. But you had to try.

You had no doubt whatsoever that Sam would come to rescue you. Your worry wasn't that he wouldn't be there, couldn't kill the vamp. No, you were concerned about the timing. How quickly would it take him to notice you were missing? How long would it take him to find you?

You pulled your wrists up and down against the corner of the chair seat, over and over, trying to fray the rope. Every once in a while, you would feel a strand of rope snap. You were making progress, but not quickly enough. 

The sun set and the sky faded outside the tall windows. You wondered if maybe this vampire had fanciful ideas of feeding after sundown. 

Sam Winchester would show up, you were sure. You were counting on it. He always showed up for the people who mattered to him. You just weren’t sure in what way you mattered to him. As a friend? As a hunting partner? Maybe more? 

The moon rose and you kept trying to free yourself. But as the clock ticked forward, a sliver of doubt crept in. What if you didn’t matter as much as you thought? What if he hadn’t missed you at all? 

You worked your rope bindings faster against the edge of the chair, just in case. Your wrists were scuffed and bleeding but you weren't about to stop trying. Just in case Sam didn’t show up. 

The door to the factory room opened with a bang. You flinched. The vampire, back to taste you? You were still tied up, at his mercy. 

No, it was Sam, storming into the room. He had your erstwhile vampire captor tucked under one long muscled arm. 

“Are you - ?” he asked.

You nodded. “I’m fine. Untouched.” Then you realized what he was asking. “Unbitten.” Your eyes filled with tears from the overwhelming sense of relief at seeing him. 

The vampire squirmed, suddenly anxious. “I didn’t mean it,” he begged. “I was only teasing her about being a snack!” His overacting turned suddenly pitiful. 

“Don’t touch my family!” Sam growled. He yanked the vampire up against the wall, holding him there by the throat. “Don’t fucking touch my family.” 

With one smooth movement, Sam beheaded the vampire and then dropped his body, rushing towards you. He reached around you to undo your binds. For a moment, you let your head rest on his shoulder, enjoying the comforting closeness of his arms around you almost like a hug.

When your wrists were freed, you reached for his neck. He pulled you into, yes, that was a hug. You took a moment and drew in a long shuddering breath.

Sam pulled back, holding your shoulders in a firm grasp. His eyes were wide, his expression concerned. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked again.

You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak. You were overwhelmed with emotions you couldn’t begin to express.  Relief at seeing Sam, at being rescued. Behind that loomed the wave of fear you had been fighting off all afternoon. Tears pricked your eyes and threatened to spill down your cheeks. 

You reached for Sam’s hand as he led you out of the building. For a moment he just held your hand, warm and comforting. You wondered if you had misunderstood, if you had gone too far. Then he laced his long fingers in with yours. 

Sam helped you up into his truck. Your legs were still shakier than you would have liked. He put the truck into drive and then reached out with his arm. You slid across the seat and he pulled you against his side, holding you close. You drew a deep breath, inhaling the scent of him, flannel and pine and some herb you couldn’t place. 

In the warm safety of his embrace, you let yourself relax for the first time all day. You were still fighting back tears. Sam seemed to sense your mood, and kept the conversation light, but you still had something to say.

“I knew I could count on you,” you told him finally. “I wasn’t scared, not as scared as I could have been, because I knew you would come for me.”

“I’ll always be there for my family,” he answered. “And,” he lifted his brows teasingly. “I’ll come for you any time.” The look of mischief on his face, combined with the open innuendo, made you giggle. 

Your laughter turned hysterical, your breath catching, and then you felt yourself shaking with sobs as you cried. He didn’t ask any questions, just hugged you tighter. You reached up for his hand that was around your arm and he took your fingers in his again. 

By the time you got back to the bunker, your tears had dried and your breathing had settled. You were happy to be back home, safe and sound. Sam walked you all the way to the door of your bedroom and then leaned down for a last goodnight hug. 

Sam pulled back, his gaze searching your face. His expression was both affectionate and fiercely protective. “Are you gonna be okay?”

You nodded. “As long as you’re here, I will be.”

“Okay,” he breathed, his expression both serious and soft. 

 “Sam,” you murmured, “I don’t want to be alone tonight.” You felt embarrassed, suddenly, that you had let it slip out. Then Sam smiled, the warmest smile. 

His smile deepened as you reached up, fingers tracing his dimples and sliding over his cheekbones.  One hand reached higher, brushing back chestnut curls from his forehead before slipping your fingers into his hair. Your other hand lingered on his sharp jawline. The pad of your thumb traced his lower lip and you felt his mouth go soft. Your lips were so close, almost touching. 

He leaned down, his forehead resting against yours. You could feel his warm breath on your skin. He slipped one hand up to cup your cheek, fingertips brushing your hair. He turned your mouth to meet his and your first kiss was whisper soft. 

He kissed you again, this time more deeply. His mouth was warm and molded perfectly to yours. He nudged at your bottom lip with his tongue, and you opened up for him. His hand slipped to your waist, pulling you up against his body. Your hand in his hair tightened, while the other one slipped down from his jaw, around the back of his neck. You pressed your palm against his skin, holding him close. 

When you finally took a break from kissing, you were both breathing hard. “Stay with me, Sam,” you whispered. He nodded and reached around you to open the door to your bedroom. 

Sam sat down on the bed to take off his shoes and dropped his jacket on top of them. Then he stretched out on his side, his head propped up on one hand. He caught your gaze and you realized you had been staring. You blushed and looked away. Then he patted the bed next to him with his free hand. 

You nodded slowly and began to unbutton your shirt. You felt Sam’s gaze on you, wide-eyed and riveted. The thought crossed your mind to draw this out, to give him a show, but that didn’t feel right… not for Sam, not for the two of you. You tossed your shirt aside and took a deep breath before reaching for the waist of your jeans. 

You'd wanted this, wanted Sam for so long, you could hardly believe it was finally happening. You could've felt nervous, undressing in front of him, but you didn't. You already shared a bond of friendship, of trust. Baring your body seemed natural with someone who had already seen your soul. 

You settled on the bed in only a bra and panties, reaching for Sam. His hands grasped you almost on instinct before he pulled back. “Whoa,” he said gently. “I’ll stay with you tonight. But it doesn’t have to be like that. You don’t owe me anything.”

“But I want it to be like this.” You could’ve been shy, in that moment. But with Sam, all of this felt perfectly right. “Don’t you?” 

Sam smiled slowly, dimples appearing in his cheeks. “Oh, you have no idea how much I want you like this.” You nodded and reached to undo the buttons on his shirt. His long fingers closed around yours as your mouths met again. This kiss was hesitant, a mixture of shyness and longing. He helped you remove his shirt and jeans. When he was down to his boxers, he laid back his side again and reached for you. 

You rolled eagerly into his embrace. The feel of his warm skin on yours sent a flush of pleasure through you and you shivered. Sam rolled onto his back, pulling you on top of him. You kissed hungrily, searchingly, as his hands skimmed around your shoulders and skilfully undid your bra. Once he had tossed it aside, he cupped your breasts in his hands, working your nipples with his thumbs. A little moan escaped your lips. 

Sam chuckled softly, deep in his throat, before he lowered his mouth to your breast. As he licked and sucked first one and then the other, you ground your hips down on him. He was hard and just as big as you had always imagined. 

“Ohh,” he sighed. One hand skimmed down your side to cup your waist, his fingers slipping under the waistband of your panties. “You’re wet already.” 

“Yeah,” you breathed, looking him full in the face. His hazel eyes were wide and bright with hunger. “I want you, Sam. I’ve always wanted you.” 

“And here I thought I was the one wanting you,” he answered. He had a look on his face that you had never seen before, wide-eyed and breathless. His fingers worked lower, pressing against you where your bodies rested together. 

His gaze was fixed on you, at once soft and predatory. The intensity in his eyes made you shiver, and then you gasped as his fingertips brushed your clit. You rolled your hips up to give him more access and he slipped his entire hand into your panties. His other arm held you close to him. 

Your mouths met again, your kisses urgent, all lips and tongue and teeth. He lapped up every sound that fell from your mouth. He was good, so good, you knew you could get off on his touch alone. But that wasn’t all you wanted.

You grabbed Sam’s wrist with one hand. His fingers stilled immediately and his eyes searched your face. "Do you still want this?" His tone was worried. 

"Of course," you answered immediately. "Want this, want you so much." 

“Don’t you want to come for me, just like this?” His voice was low, his kiss gentle. 

You shook your head, raising your eyes to look him full in the face. “I want to come with you inside me.” His eyes went wide and hungry, his mouth dropped open and he drew in a hard breath as you continued. “Hey, I only look sweet and innocent,” you promised. 

Sam nodded and palmed your ass, pushing your panties down. You raised your hips to help him out. When you were completely bare, you tugged his boxers down and he kicked them off. He sat up, pulling you with him, and shifted until he was leaning against the head of the bed. 

You settled easily astride his lap, knees on either side of his legs. You rocked back and forth, enjoying the friction of his cock against your clit, covering the length of him with your wetness.

Sam swallowed hard, the muscles in his neck flexing. You shuddered just a little at the gorgeous sight before lowering your mouth to kiss him right where his neck met his shoulder. It was something you had always dreamed of doing. His skin was warm and tasted like salty sweat, and it was better than you could’ve imagined. 

He bit his lip to choke back another moan as you rolled your body up against his. He trailed his fingers over your back lightly. You shivered as you felt your skin prickle with goosebumps. His hands closed around your hips and for a moment he just moved with you. Then he tightened his grip, thumbs pressing in hard enough to bruise. 

“I need to be inside you, now,” he ground out. You nodded and reached down, closing your fingers around him and guiding him right to where you wanted him. He slipped his hands down, cupping your ass, so he could lift you and hold you as he began to rock into you. 

He pressed in and out, and you gasped. You were grateful he was taking it slow, gradually moving deeper, giving you time to adjust to the stretch of him. You swiveled your hips side to side to better take him in.

“Please,” you whimpered, already so full but desperate for more of him. You met his eyes. His pupils were wide, gold and hazel just a thin ring around depths of lust. He watched you in a way that was hungry, almost starving, as he thrust his hips up. In one long motion he buried himself the rest of the way inside you. 

You gasped, and then moaned as he began to move. He was filling you so well, so completely, that you felt every tiny movement jolting all the way through your body. The friction, the drag and thrust of him inside of you, was winding you up tighter and tighter. 

He dipped his head in for a kiss, sliding his hand up your body to the back of your neck. His fingers tangled in your hair, holding you close. You whimpered as he moved his tongue between your lips in the same rhythm he was fucking you. You rolled your body up against his, pressing in closer, tightening your grip on his shoulders. Both of you were slicked with sweat and you could feel his heartbeat under his skin. 

You felt your walls begin to flutter around him, and you could tell he felt it too, because he moved faster and harder. His grip tightened around your neck and your waist, holding you against him. He pressed into you more deeply. 

His thrusts grew desperate, as if he could just disappear inside of you entirely if he tried hard enough. You felt him all around you, and inside you, holding you, filling you, surrounding you with his body and his presence. Your body wound tighter and tighter, your stomach clenching, knees shaking. You arched your spine and dug your fingers into his shoulders as your head tipped back. 

“Sam,” you cried out his name as you felt your orgasm build, lifting you higher and higher. “Come for me.” You were lost in the sensation of him and in pleasure and then you were coming undone entirely. You moaned, low and open-mouthed as your orgasm crested and then crashed down, pulling you into a vortex of sensation and release. 

Sam’s hips stuttered as he let go. He curled forward with a long sigh, resting his head against the hollow of your throat. You felt him pulsing deep inside you. The brush of his lips on your sensitive skin, the way he breathed out your name, and the way he throbbed between your legs drew out your orgasm. The last throbbing waves of it suffused you with of warmth and satisfaction. 

Sam lifted his head. His face lit with a warm smile, his eyes bright. You leaned in and kissed his dimples, then his lips. He kissed you back, slow and gentle. His arms wrapped around you with a promise of safety and closeness. 

“Ready to sleep?” he murmured. It was long past midnight, probably closer to morning, and today had been exhausting. You nodded.

Both of you cleaned up and you slipped into clean panties but nothing more before settling back onto the bed next to Sam. He tugged the blankets up over you as he enfolded you in a warm hug. You let out a long sigh and relaxed into him, enjoying the warmth and strength of his body against yours. 

His eyes had fluttered closed before you spoke up. “Did you mean what you said earlier?”

He rose up on his elbow and looked down at you curiously. “What did I say, earlier?” He brushed your hair back from your temples with gentle fingers. 

“You said, ‘Don’t touch my family.’ Am I really -- family?” 

Sam smiled, the fondest dimpled smile. “Yes. I’d do anything for you. Rescue you from vampires and keep you close. You matter to me. You’re my family.” He leaned down and kissed you, the softest kiss. 

You hummed happily, deep in your throat. Sam curled around you and you nuzzled back against him. The last thing you heard him say before you drifted to sleep was, “And no one touches you but me.”  ...

SPN First Last and Always: @boondoctorwho @dawnie1988 @deanwanddamons @divadinag @flamencodiva @fookinghelljensensthighs @idreamofplaid @kalesrebellion @maddiepants @magssteenkamp @onethirstyunicorn   @the-chocolate-moose  @there-must-be-a-lock @tloveswriting

Sam Girl For Life: @awesomesusiebstuff @lilsylvia @winchesterxfamilybusiness

Gay Screaming:   @boondoctorwho, @cracksinthewalls, @itmighthavebeenintentional, @justcallmeasmodeus, @katehuntington, @maddiepants, @mskathywriteswords, @rockhoochie, @stusbunker, @there-must-be-a-lock, @thoughtslikeaminefield​

[julies-butterflies]

I must admit, sometimes I do feel like a ye olden solider, sending letters to my beloved across the waves during wartime. Oh my dearest Lydia, I hope the kudos and comments crops have been plentiful this season. Your last letter left me weeping. Why must you put poor Reginald through such pain?

(I gotta admit, I still can't believe that I'm talking to you. I've been looking up to your work for so long...it just feels a bit surreal, even now! Glad you like hearing my ramblings! And that you liked my vampire prompt! Did not realize you'd write back when I sent that in. Look at us now, huh?)

(Speaking of prompts, I sent those jukebox and willex ones too. And I loved them both so so much, I shall scream about them more when it is not 2 am because I need sleep)

(Oh and the update of If I Was You!!! Amazing, Stellar, Incredible, Reggie, Carrie, Julie shenanigans is my new favorite thing, DID YOU JUST DOUBLE THE CHAPTER COUNT, and I'm like 90% sure Trevor is in deep trouble with a certain angry jazz ghost. Seriously loving it)

I actually do not remember what it was like to send in 1/5 asks, because I did not get a Tumblr until very reccently! I've always been a nerdy person, but Jatp is my first time being really in a fandom. You gotta do something new in quarantine, right?

Ah yes. Luke and Emily. To me, it just seems obvious that there's so much love between them. Even with all the pain. You get it. You put it down so eloquently.

As for what kind of stories I like to read...it seriously depends on my mood.

I like niche aus, passion projects. Stories where you can just feel the author's love for the world they're inventing. But I tend to lean towards cannonverse. I like ghost stories, it's what drew me to this show in the first place. And I love exploring that concept. (Being forever gone, and always the same...it's just fascinating to me)

Platonic goodness is just WONDERFUL for this show. I will read anything with cuddles. I am touched starved and these kiddos are too, and I will cry about them puppy piling every damn day. Plus there's just some much POTENTIAL for future friendships! I love ones where Flynn and Carrie get to interact with the boys as well. And 90s content, from before and after the orpheum, just hits hard.

I really wasn't expecting to get invested in the couples on this show, but something about them is moving to me. So I do love to read about them. Watching two queer kids who lived during incredibly important areas of queer history find love together after death really hit hard for me, and there's just something so bittersweet about a girl and ghost deciding to love each other for the little time they're given.

I love family dynamics too. Anything with Ray and his seven disaster children, the band and Trevor.... I think Julie and Emily is one of my favorite dynamics to explore. A girl who lost her mother and a mother who lost her son, both grieving but with one able to speak to the dead...it's just very powerful to me.

(And of course, Luke and Emily, but I figured you already knew that)

Mostly...I like seeing the messy stuff. The unexpected consequences, the baggage. I want to see the messy emotions, the grief and anger, the jealously, the disorientation. I look for those glass shards, that might be too sharp to ever be addressed on the show. Not even the big, monumental plot lines just... the harder pieces of life, the little moments that don't fit neatly into a nine episode arc.

I just want to see them live you know? Love, laughter and loss all mixed together.

(One of my all time favorite tropes is "found family gets broken apart by trauma, only to find each other again and come back stronger than ever." I feel like this explains a lot of my taste in fiction)

Thank you for the writing advice. Your words were very motivating. I am trying to begin! I got up the nerve to start working on a little piece. Who knows if it will go anywhere. But it's been nice, to finally put some words on the page.

The POTC au is so freaking good man. The character dynamics are just on FIRE. Everything is broken and messy and the relationships genuinely tug at my heartstrings. It's such a fascinating story. Highly recommend, even with the cliff hangers.

OH HOW COULD I FORGET PAWPRINTER? Man oh man I love all her work. The wheelies art and steals universe is freaking amazing, not an avacado had me in tears (of laughter, till things got surprisingly sad). And All that Remains...slow burn Willex perfection. Jedi Alex and Pilot Willie have my HEART.

I don't think I've read firefall and weneedglitter (or if I have, I'm just not connecting the names to their pieces. I don't always remember author names. it's a problem). I will go look for them though! Cannot wait!

For more recs, I recently binge read We Found Wonderland. I was not mentally prepared for the sheer amount of feelings that gave me. Highly recommend, if you ever want an emotional rollercoaster with an incredibly satisfying end.

Going on to more serious subjects...I'm sorry your family doesn't see your grief for what it is: honest. Better to feel everything quietly, than make it an easily understadnable performance. Fake grief is so easy to spot.

I think of that scene from "Forever," when Buffy breaks down and tells Dawn that she has to keep busy, because if she stops, it means Joyce is really gone. There's a lot of truth there.

On a tangent here but.. there was a very long period in my life when I was told the ways I expressed my emotions were "incorrect". And I found that sometimes, no matter how you show your emotions, you'll always be criticized. Numbness can be called disinterest, but sobbing can be called attention-seeking too. Too big, too small: that jury was impossible to please This may not apply in your situation but...it's okay to feel however you can. It's the only think you can do, really.

As I've said before, Grief is such an odd trickster.

Don't you ever get tired of missing people... This past year, I've been so weary of grief. Sometimes it can be so sharp, but it's that dull ache. That ball and chain, no longer cutting through your skin, but rubbing it raw, weighing you down.

And people don't like to talk about that part, because it's long and tiresome, but oh, is it there. I find it hard to talk about my grief, because sometimes there's just so much of it. I could drown in it, and that fear keeps me from looking to close. To incorrectly quote Jane Austin: "If I missed you a little less, I might be able to talk about it more."

(Sometimes it's faceable. But sometimes you just can't bear it. And that's okay.)

But what you wrote in that eulogy...the love is there. It's in every word you write. I cried reading that section. I feel honored once again to see some of your jagged pieces. You're sharing your heart, and there's just so much love.

In the wise words of an author I know, "Love is like the snow Reggie. It never goes away."

And don't worry, I'm always with you.

Sending Love,

-LydiaStan7845 (aka Vampire Anon)

So...that Reggie and Nicky prompt

my god

my GOD

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

I think it's safe to say congrats, you've officially destroyed me! I was not prepared for that at ALL. I should know better by now I guess.

I can't get over that even though they all take place in very different universe, all your stories just feel so connected! The way this talked about those headphones, which you mentioned in the first chapter of Kill Your Heroes...it's just so cool. All the characterization and backstory is just so well thought out, and it genuinely blows my mind.

I didn't think I could love Nicky Peters more. I was wrong. The way you write about him...even though you never go into exactly what happened to him after Reggie's death, you can just feel how much it's shapped him as a person. And the trauma around his father, and how he fears becoming like that, was just so beautifully written. He's just so lovable and flawed and trying so damn hard and you made my heart ache for him. Again.

You always take these genuinely crazy situations and...you just make them feel so real. I love you explore the strains such a revelation would put on Nicky's own life, it just makes everything so compellingly messy. It seriously feel like I was watching a real-life account of a family trying to deal with such a massive complication.

That porch scene had me in tears both times I read it. Reggie's just always a big brother, even though Nicky is more than twice his age now. My heart was shattered, and then you slowly mended it, piece by piece. And for absolutely no reason at all, you wouldn't happen to have a reference for the porch, would you?

Just wow. Hope you're doing well. Sending love and applause

-Vampire Anon

i’m not even gonna reply, but i want these documented... on my blog... for posterity.  ( for any curious onlookers, i’m dating this anon now!! )