#i made a list last night to compare things that would make me sad about doing * vs things that fill me with hope and curiosity and quiet joy

[hard-core-super-star]

Random thought popped into my head but it's about vampire Kate x reader. What if reader was a witch of some sort who got her heart broken because Kate is an fboy and became terrified and left when she realized how much she loved the reader but came crawling back a year later because she needed reader's witchy help and they ended up casually flirting because they clearly still have feelings for each other and stuff

ain't that the kicker [K.Bishop]

pairing: vampire!kate x reader

summary: the morning after your late-night encounter with kate doesn't go quite as planned...and neither does the day after that or the day after that. [aka you and kate have way more issues than you thought]

warnings: none, i think?; did somebody order angst?; so much tension, you need more than one knife; i rob you of a longer wanda scene; cliffhanger ending because this got too long; weird vampire powers that are badly explained; very long dream sequences; a surprising lack of actual vampire stuff [i badly need to rewatch first kill]; idiots in love but emphasis on the idiots!

wodcount: 3.2k

a/n: hey everyone, my motivation was pretty dead for a while but, unsurprisingly, vampire kate brought it back! and before you all freak out, YES! THERE WILL BE ANOTHER PART! and maybe it'll be less sad and more spicy, who knows? anyway, thank you so much for sticking with me and my constant disappearing act. my second year at university is wrapping up so hopefully you’ll see more of me this summer ;) that's all i have to say, hope you enjoy <3

* * * * * * *

Saying going home with Kate Bishop had been a bad idea would be a massive understatement.

You knew being alone with the heir of Bishop Security would come with problems but the problems all seemed relatively small compared to the continuous waves of pleasure you had been under all night.

To be fair, though, you never expected a grainy picture of you on Kate's lap to be part of that list of problems. You had expected some awkwardness from the charming brunette, the usual "we can't do this again" speech while actively making out in some random storage closet, maybe even some weird looks from your co-workers to further complicate things.

Your original plan had featured everything except you going viral overnight and waking up to the biggest PR disaster to ever hit Bishop Security. (Which is saying a lot considering the many one-night stand scandals Kate always finds herself wrapped up in)

You had so many ideas of what the morning after would be like but none of them included you waking up to an empty bed and a large pit in your stomach that tells you you fucked up big time.

Maybe it had been your fault, maybe you had been too naive for thinking you could really have it all.

Or maybe Kate was right. Maybe she had a longer list of enemies than you had been willing to entertain.

There were far too many “maybe’s” in your mind, an overwhelming amount of notifications on your phone, and you had no idea where Kate had gone.

You’re not sure how long you spend scrolling through Twitter and avoiding all the texts filled with unanswerable questions from your co-workers but eventually, you manage to regain control of yourself and get up from the archer’s ridiculously comfortable bed. You do your best to ignore how shaky your legs are as you get dressed, your mind unfortunately drifting to the night before.

You manage to find your way to the kitchen where there's a full spread of, slightly burnt, breakfast waiting for you. Your heart swells as you read the messy handwriting on the post-it note next to the biggest stack of pancakes you’ve ever seen.

Morning, sunshine. I didn’t know what you were in the mood for so I made a bit of everything. Eat as much as you can, you’ll need a lot of food and water to recover from last night ;) - Kate

It’s impossible to stop the wave of relief that crashes into you after reading that.

As impossible as it feels, you allow yourself to believe things will be fine. That Kate will stick by your side after opening up to you about her supernatural abilities.

But the fantasy doesn’t last long.

You’re halfway through your breakfast when you hear the front door slam shut with so much force you briefly wonder if the hinges came off. It takes no more than fifteen seconds for the archer to appear in front of you, her shoulders tense and an unreadable storm in her eyes.

Her posture already tells you the answer to the question forming on your lips but you ask anyway. “Everything okay?”

She seems almost startled by the sound of your voice as if hearing you makes you real.

It makes the mess you’re both in real.

“No,” she sighs. “I have some shitty news.”

“Shittier than being called a slut by all of New York?” You reply, unable to stop the urge to make her smile.

Kate doesn’t fully smile but she does let out a small chuckle, her shoulders dropping into a less tense position as the sound escapes her. “Yeah…shittier than that.”

You should’ve known where the conversation was headed. Should’ve realized there was no way you’d be able to have it all. No way for you to continue with your life as if nothing had happened.

Maybe you are too naive because you truly didn’t see her next sentence coming.

“y/n…I have to fire you and we...we can’t do this again. This has to be goodbye.”

Everything crashes into you at once.

The realization of what you’ve actually done, the stupid ease with which Kate is cutting you out of her life, the betrayal of her practically kicking you out onto the streets. You’re not an idiot, you know there’s no way you’ll be able to keep your apartment, your humble yet expensive life in New York, without your job.

Without her.

“You…you’re serious? You’re throwing me out just like that?”

“It’s not easy for me either-”

“It looks pretty damn easy, Kate.” You scoff.

“You’re not the one who spent her whole morning getting chewed out by her mom.” Her words come out like an afterthought, like she knows just how badly she’ll fuck up if you hear the annoyance behind them.

Unfortunately for her, you hear her loud and clear.

“Oh, come on. That’s your excuse? You had one bad conversation with your mom and suddenly I don’t mean anything?”

She doesn’t reply and her silence only serves to stoke the flames of fury and resentment rising within your chest.

“Do you know how many death threats I’ve gotten in the last hour? How many coworkers have tried to blackmail me already? Do you understand just how much of my life this has ruined? And you have the audacity to act like you have it hard?”

“Don’t pretend like you know anything about my life,” she spits back. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it, Katherine. If I didn’t know you, if you didn’t care, why the hell did you tell me your dirty little secret?”

She blinks, taken aback by the hard-hitting truth you throw her way.

If you didn’t know her, you wouldn’t notice the way she nervously fidgets with her fingers or the way she bites down on her lower lip while she tries to come up with something to say. If you didn’t know her, you wouldn’t know she��s hurting underneath.

You do know her, though, but knowing her isn’t enough if she’s not willing to let you stay.

So, because you do know her…you walk away.

It feels like giving up in the most infuriating of ways but it’s the only thing you can do. If Kate’s mind is made up, there’s no amount of reason that will get her to change. That’s another thing about her you’ve learned the hard way.

So you swallow your pride and walk away with no plan, no job, no way of supporting yourself. If you were a more spiteful person, you would have applied for a job at Stark Industries but instead, you do the second hardest thing you’ve ever done.

You restart.

It’s a bitter defeat and still, you pack up your things and pay an old friend a visit.

You had left Wanda behind after the Westview fiasco but she’s the only person you can think of running to after your entire life went up in flames. All it takes is one quick spell and the realization that a life without dark magic isn’t one you can live before you’re standing on the porch of her small cabin in the middle of nowhere.

Saying she’s disappointed would be an understatement, especially since she explicitly warned you not to fall in love with Kate Bishop. It’s hard to believe the witch knew about Kate’s vampire secret but you also wouldn’t be surprised if she knew what awaited you the second you left for New York.

Unfortunately, you had to learn things the hard way.

You could write multiple books on everything you’ve learned the hard way.

At the top of that list, though, is the true extent of a certain archer’s vampire powers.

It takes less than a month for Kate to reach you again…through your dreams. Dreams that feel far too real and leave you a tad bit more breathless than you’ll ever be willing to admit.

The first time it happens, you assume it’s one of Wanda’s new tricks, maybe it’s her way of helping you cope with what (or rather who) you’ve left behind. You think it’s weird but maybe a tad bit sweet and you make a mental note to ask her about it in the morning.

It’s not until you realize that you’re actively thinking that you start to worry.

To make matters worse, you’re inside Kate’s apartment…and she quite literally stumbles out of her bedroom to see you standing in the middle of her living room.

“Oh, shit.” She groans.

Your heart skips a beat at the sound of her voice. You know you’re just dreaming and yet it all feels so real. It’s like you can feel her eyes on you, hear the way your heart won’t stop pounding in your ears.

Your confusion must be written all over your face because she answers your question before you can even ask it.

“Yes, you are dreaming but this isn’t like a normal dream.”

“What the fuck happened to you not being a mind reader?” You blurt out.

You wait for that stupid smirk of hers to appear, maybe with a half-assed shrug and a semi-charming joke, but it never comes. “My dream, my rules, I guess.”

“That still doesn’t explain what’s going on.”

A beat of silence goes by before she sort of gives you an answer. “I can explain but you might hate me afterwards.”

The look in her eyes says more than you can possibly handle right now. You’ve never known Kate to be particularly insecure but all you can see in those blue depths is fear and insecurity. Fear that your feelings for her have changed, that you already hate her and never want to hear from her again.

Too bad you’ve never been good at lying.

“Try me.”

The corners of her mouth quirk up into a small smile. “Long story short, we’re bonded. That’s why we’re in each other’s dreams.”

There’s a bigger question to be asked but you’re still a little freaked out by how real this all feels. By how intense your feelings for her still are.

“But this isn’t like a normal dream, is it?”

“Nope, perks of having vampire powers.”

“So, you can do everything except read minds?” You can’t help but tease her like all the times before. “That sucks.”

“Shut up,” she says with an over-dramatic roll of her eyes.

A calm silence falls over both of you and you hate how normal it feels. How just like that, you forget your anger and the betrayal you’ve felt every minute since the day you left New York in favor of falling for her stupidly enchanting self all over again.

It doesn’t help that with every second, the distance between you gets smaller and smaller.

You don’t know who takes the first step, all you know is you blink and suddenly she’s standing right in front of you, those soft blue eyes of hers searching for the truth you can’t hide.

“y/n,” she murmurs, her hand tentatively reaching out to tuck a stray piece of hair behind your ear. “I’m sorry, I know this isn’t what you wanted.”

She’s technically not wrong, leaving because of her incapability to deal with her feelings was the last thing you wanted, but it’s not like you had any other choice.

She didn’t give you any other choice.

And now she’s here, staring at you with that wounded puppy look she so effortlessly embodies.

“I wanted you,” you whisper in response. “When are you going to get that through your thick skull?”

She chuckles, the sound warm but nervous. Her hand moves to cup your face and her touch is so soft, it leaves you breathless for a moment. “Never, I’m too stubborn for that, remember?”

You can’t help but tease her as the atmosphere shifts into something more affectionate than you’d like. “How could I forget? It’s your worst trait.”

“Ouch. Is that how you treat your favorite vampire?”

“Aw, poor little vampire baby.”

You wait for her to make one of her usual jokes but she doesn’t.

Instead, her eyes drift down to your lips and your mind instantly goes blank.

There’s an endless list of reasons why you shouldn’t do it. Just because it’s a dream doesn’t mean it isn’t a bad idea. Then again…when has that ever stopped you from being with Kate Bishop?

It’s subtle but you lean forward just enough to give her the invitation she’s too much of a gentleman to ask for. Her eyes widen the slightest bit before she meets you in the middle, the space between your lips becoming nonexistent in the span of a few seconds.

You try your hardest to hold on to your self control, to not seem as desperate as you’ve felt since that first night, but it’s useless. Your hands grip the front of her shirt in an attempt to pull her closer despite how insane everything is.

You’re simply dreaming and yet you can feel every touch, every breath, every desperate effort to make your desires a reality. You would feel embarrassed if Kate wasn’t acting the same way.

Her lips leave yours only to trail down to your neck, her fangs instantly teasing the sensitive skin she finds. The anticipation builds inside your chest as she toys with you and it’s all you can do not to beg for more.

“Kate.” Her name leaves your lips in the form of a whisper that disappears just as fast as it formed.

All you hear is her sharp intake of breath before it all fades to black.

Your eyes snap open and you’re greeted with the absolute silence you’re starting to associate with Wanda’s cabin. All you can do is lay there in the darkness, your heart pounding in your ears while your fingers trace the spot Kate’s lips had just been on.

It had all felt so real and now you’re all alone again. It shouldn’t be surprising at this point and yet you still hold on to the hope Kate will come looking for you.

But she doesn’t.

All she does is haunt your dreams in the most literal way possible. She doesn’t come to find you and fix your many, many issues, instead, she simply appears in your dreams long enough to send your mind reeling without offering any solutions.

You wish you could hate her for doing this to you but you can’t.

You love her.

Worse than that, you love her more and more each night. Even though it’s not nearly enough to heal any of your wounds, and maybe it only serves to hurt you more, it’s definitely addicting.

Wanda offers to help you sever the connection between you and Kate, something about a spell she read in the Darkhold being her only assurance that she knows what she’s doing. You don’t fully trust her on that but you do consider the option for longer than you want to admit.

You reason with yourself that there are much worse things to deal with on a daily basis than highly realistic dreams, though. That being bonded to a vampire isn't the worst thing in the world.

And maybe that would be true…if the vampire in question wasn't Kate Bishop.

You don't know what possesses you to ask but the question slips out in the middle of another midnight rendezvous. It’s been a little over two month since you moved away from New York, a little over two months since you've shared these weird dreams with Kate, when you finally ask.

“What exactly did you do for us to be bonded to each other?”

The question must catch her off guard given the way her eyes widen in panic. “What?”

“You said these weird dreams happen because we’re bonded or something but you never explained how that happened.” You watch the brunette from your spot on the couch and impatiently wait for a response, for something that will help you make sense of everything.

She swallows back her nervousness but gives herself away due to the way she fidgets with the rings on her hand. “Oh, yeah, that…it’s because I bit you that night in my apartment…remember?”

Her awkwardness would be endearing if her response wasn't so damn suspicious.

“Yeah but you're a vampire, biting people is kind of your thing. You're not automatically bonded to every person you bite, right?”

A beat of silence passes before she answers, her voice shaking the slightest bit. “No that…that only happens when there are…certain feelings involved.”

It takes a second for her answer to click in your brain. For her sudden nervousness to hold real meaning.

The answer hits you like a train and it makes your blood boil like nothing else.

“Kate, tell me that doesn't mean what I think it means. Tell me you didn't fire me because you were too afraid of having feelings for me.”

“y/n-”

“For fuck’s sake, Kate!”

The sudden frustration in your voice makes her jump, hundreds of meaningless explanations forming on the tip of her tongue.

You don't hear a word she says.

You can't hear anything besides the pounding in your heart and the devastation that threatens to swallow you whole.

You always knew being with Kate would be impossible but this was something else entirely. This wasn't a lack of feelings between you two, this was too many feelings and too many miles of distance and not one ounce of regret from her.

You're not sure when you stood up from your spot or when she approached you, you simply feel her hand on your waist and the unmistakable sound of her breathing.

“y/n,” she tries again. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m so tired of hearing you say that.”

“I know.”

The last thing you feel is her lips on the back of your neck before you wake up. Alone. Again.

Wanda must catch on to your desperation because she brings up the idea of cutting your connection with Kate that same morning.

“It’ll only be temporary,” she assures you. “No offense but you need sleep more than you need Kate Bishop.”

“I’m a little offended,” you grumble in response.

Despite your reservations, and the voice in the back of your head that tells you running away again is a bad idea, you go along with her plan. She's right, after all. You definitely need some time away from Kate Bishop and her never-ending messes.

The spell is simpler than you expect and it, thankfully, requires pretty much no effort on your part and no weird liquids.

It does also bring the best sleep you’ve had in months so you can’t complain…even when you wake up missing the sound of the archer’s voice.

You still miss her every day and you're sure that won't change any time soon but you welcome the peace with open arms.

Wanda spends her time teaching you random spells while you help her build a nice flower garden in the backyard. It's weird but…comforting.

You could even get used to life out here someday.

At least, that's what you keep telling yourself as the weeks go by.

Until Kate shows up unannounced and flips your world upside down again with those same soft eyes you fell on love with all those months ago.

[moregraceful]

Photos: 1. Blossoms on I think the plum tree, taken on film; 2. Jake Oettinger grappling with Miro Heiskanen while Jason Robertson and Roope Hintz look on; 3. Flowers and shadows at midnight.

[lovelettersfromluna]

Linger

Summary: Back home for the holidays after hooking up with your best friend, who you also happen to be madly in love with...what could possibly go wrong.

an: Look who managed to get the final part of a series in a manageable time, me!! This honestly would have been out way sooner but I ended up getting pretty sick, so I apologize for that. Im feeling better, and super inspired! I have some other stuff in the works for you all as well, bc I think you deserve to be spoiled 😌. Anyways! I hope you guys enjoy the last installment of this fic!! 🖤🖤🖤

Warnings: Smut!! MDNI!! 18+, Ellie and reader are both very sad and very stubborn, angst, hurt/comfort, alcohol usage, mention of marijuana, making out, pet names, oral (Ellie receiving), tribbing, let me know if I missed anything!

Part 1, part 2

Tag list: @eveshyper @mattm1964 @teawithnosugar @macaroni676 @ximtiredx @gold-dustwomxn @mina-281 @aethelwyneleigh27 @abbysmainbitch @lil-elliesgf @franreadss @fairyysoiree @r3wbeef @liizzygrant @elliewilliamsgf69 @mabelle-cherie @cauliflowerpatch @forelliesposts @lunasolac @nil-eena @pillowprincessleia @pedropascalsbbg @ellieswifeyy @lesbiantothemoonandback @dummysimp011 @miniaturebananadefendor @sweetpumpkins @thesmutconnoisseur @miksde @delicategirlie @sawaagyapong @thesevi0lentdelights @p4ison1vy @coxmicbabygirl @julibanana925 @viswifetotallyreal

The holidays had always been your favorite time of the year.

It always filled you with this warm, cozy, feeling every time you thought about it. Throughout all three hundred and sixty five days of the year, you looked forward to those last three months tucked away at the end of the year, that were filled with nothing but warm memories.

Ever since you had started college, you family made it a tradition of having you come back for the holidays. Right after halloween, you would practically race through the assignments you had until thanksgiving break before you were off to catch a flight to spend time with your family.

You and Ellie always went home together.

She was practically apart of your family, and you were practically apart of hers. If Joel wasn't knocking on your door with a half burnt pie with Ellie standing by his side, eager to play whatever new video came out that month, you and your family were making their way to the Miller house. It was just how things were, and you it was another reason why you loved the holidays so much.

But this year, things had changed.

The air only got colder with each passing day, nipping away at your skin and making it harder and harder to peel yourself from your warm bed every morning that you had class. It was like with each passing year, the colder months grew to be more bitter and unforgiving than the last.

It had been almost a month since you spoke to Ellie.

After everything that had happened at the party, the slew of emotions that brewed within the depths of your mind and soul was almost too much to bare.

After you passed out in Ellie's arm, the bliss you felt could not compare to anything else you had ever felt before. Out of all that you had done, every one you had ever been intimate with, there was no way they could ever hold a candle to the way Ellie made you feel that night. Her arms stayed wrapped around your body throughout the entire night, soft lips pressing sleepy kisses against your face and neck, her low voice mumbling sweet nothings into your ear between the hazy state that lies between sleep and wake.

All of it came together to create the single most euphoric experience you had ever come in contact with in your entire life. But but daylight, it was all ripped away.

As soon as your eyes opened, adjusting to the light shining into the foreign bedroom you slept in, you were confused. You weren't in your bedroom, you certainly weren't in your house, you started to struggle with finding things that you were familiar with.

The second you looked down and saw Ellie's face pressed against your chest, you had gotten what you asked for.

It made you seize up a bit, your body stiffening in the girls embrace as you slowly recalled what had happened the night prior. Images of Ellie slotted between your legs came flooding in, her face slick with your arousal, green eyes low and filled with lust, mumbling the filthiest things to you as she destroyed your core with her skilled tongue.

The memories alone made you whine.

The sound made Ellie groan in her sleep, the brunette humming softly as she stirred a bit in her sleep before she leaned in, pressing lazy, sleepy kisses against your throat as she nuzzled closer into you, seeking your warmth as she slowly came to.

"hmmm..whats the matter baby?" She mumbles out against your skin, her voice low and filled with that delicious gravel that only came with sleep. It makes you swallow thickly, taking a deep inhale as you still in her arms.

She was so comfortable, basking in the bliss that you felt mere moments ago. You could tell, from the relaxed muscles of her biceps, to the soft little hums that you felt against your neck, Ellie didn't have a care in the world, not when you were in her arms like this, not when she still had memories of the night prior running through her mind, painting a soft little smile on her pink lips

And truthfully? That made you feel even worse.

Your lack of a response makes her hum, as she blinked her green eyes open to stare up at you, pressing a soft kiss to your jaw. She saw the look on your face, she saw how it was nearly drained of all color. She was confused, because you both had such an amazing night together, there was no reason why you shouldn't be just as blissed out as she was.

"Baby? You with me?" She questioned once again, watching as you blink a few times, seemingly registering her words. You inhaled deeply, clearing your throat as you grabbed both of her arms, and began pulling them from around your body. Ellie frowned as she watched you, but not making any attempt to tighten her grasp and keep you close to her.

You didn't answer, you simply rolled out of bed and silently began grabbing your clothes that had been tossed around the bedroom, the fact alone made you frown further, because through the haze of your hangover, the exhaustion, and the overwhelming urge to crawl back into bed and let Ellie do whatever she wanted to you.

All you could think about, was Sofia.

Her pretty hair, her twinkling eyes, the little dimples she had at the corners of her lips. Her pretty face was the only thing that you could see in your mind. It was like her beauty was evading every corner of your brain, forcing herself to be known, to be acknowledged by you. For anyone, this would have most definitely been the normal thoughts that are linked to someone as beautiful as Sofia, but not for you.

Because you were moaning underneath her girlfriend a mere few hours ago.

You felt like you wee going to pass out. Your heart started to beat faster as the magnitude of what you did, what you let happen, finally began to settle in. It made you feel sick, and the back of your throat burned as hot tears threatened to spill past your eyes and onto your cheeks. How could you have been so stupid? How could you have ever let something like this happen? You were careless, and it was at the expense of someone else's feelings, someone else's relationship.

Through the racing thoughts that filled your head, and the pounding of your heart in your chest, you couldn't hear Ellie calling out for you multiple times. She was sat up on the bed, eyeing you as you rummaged through the bedroom to grab your belongings. She watched with furrowed eyebrows, and a gentle frown, trying to get you to simply look at her for a few minutes. Ellie knew you too well, and she knew that the quieter you got in times like this, the more you got trapped inside your own head.

She was losing you, and she knew that.

She called out your name once more, and through the graces of some unknown force, you heard it. It snaps you out of your thoughts, and it forced you to stand up straight, your head turning in her direction and eyeing her like a deer caught in the headlights. It made Ellie sigh softly, her feet swinging over the bed as she got up, and began making her way over to you.

"What's...what are you doing, baby? I thought...I thought we" She mumbled out softly, taking a few steps towards you. Her frown deepened when you respond to this, by stepping away from her. The way you stared up at her, is a look she doesn't think she will ever be able to forget, because you look terrified, disgusted, scared.

Worst part is, she doesn't know if you feel that way about you, or yourself.

She tried reaching out for you, slender fingers inches away from your waist, her hands burning for you once again. You stepped back again, staring at the girl in disbelief. "Thought what, Ellie? Huh? Thought that...that you could just ruin my night last night? And then drag me up to a random fucking room just to fuck me? So that you could.." You choked up, the words dying down in your throat, the mere thought of what you were going to say making those hot tears burn at your throat again.

You inhaled deeply, blinking back the tears that glossed over your eyes. "That you could use me, to cheat on Sofia" you whispered out, and that was enough to make those wretched tears spill onto your cheeks.

Ellie felt herself choke up as soon as she saw you that way, teary eyed, voice barely above a whisper, heart visibly breaking, and it was all because of her. It was all because of her, and her inability to do things right for once in her life.

You didn't make any attempt at hiding your tears anymore, they were there, and it was clear to see that what happened, was affecting you. The only thing you could do, was leave with the small amount of pride that you still had.

When a moment passed without Ellie saying anything, the girl knowing deep down, that there was nothing she could truly say to justify the situation, or make her actions any less wrong than they already were, you let out a tired sigh. You picked up the last of your things, slung your purse over your shoulder, and left Ellie there standing there.

And as horrible as it sounded, it hurt even more when she didn't try to chase after you.

You didn't want to ask your mom if Ellie and Joel were coming to your house for the holidays, because you knew that it would instantly raise suspicion on what had been going on between the two of you. Your mother could see right through you, and she was no stranger to how eager you always became to have both Joel and Ellie over to the holidays, so once she noticed that it was replaced with anxiety, she would be concerned. She was already confused when she learned that you and Ellie wouldn't be making your way home together like usual.

You hated traveling alone, you always did the annual holiday flight home with Ellie. She made what would usually be quite the boring trip, something that you found to be just as exciting as the holidays itself. You saw it as the perfect way to kick off your favorite time of the year.

But this year, you were doing it alone. Something about it made you feel like the holidays this year wouldn't go down as one of your favorites.

As soon as your parents were picking you up from the airport, and smothering you in kisses, telling you how much they missed you and asking you how your flight went, you felt a bit of the dark cloud that was looming over you clear up a bit. It allowed you to forget about the intense thoughts of your best friend that had been following you around for the past month.

It made you feel hopeful for the time that you had home.

After that night, there was a tiny piece of you that hoped Ellie would reach out. You selfishly hoped that she would come and find you, apologize for what happened, tell you that things between her and Sofia were fine, so that you could go back to normal.

But she didn't.

Ellie ignored you, just as much as you ignored her.

You kept your head down for the most part, in class and when walking through the hallways. You didn’t know how you’d be able to handle seeing Ellie, or seeing Sofia.

Or worse, seeing them together.

When it was fresh, you wanted to avoid it. You wanted to pretend it didn’t happen and carry on throughout the remainder of the semester keeping to yourself.

Soon, you realized that you’d gone the longest without speaking to Ellie throughout your entire friendship. She didn’t text you, she didn’t try to come and see you, hell, she didn’t even look in your direction. It was like she didn’t know you, as if you hadn’t practically grown up together, reaching your greatest milestones together.

On her end, there was complete silence.

The one time you caught her looking at you, was when Alex was sitting with you in the courtyard one day. It was one of the last days leading up to the break, and Alex had slowly made her way back to you. After everything happened, she gave you your space, while quietly letting you know she was still around. Once you finally worked up the courage to speak to her, and apologize for what Ellie did, she told you she understood. She tried to explain to you, that the way Ellie looked at you, wasn’t the way someone looks at just a friend. She could see the fire in her eyes, an undeniable need for you.

But you refused to believe it.

Ellie had every chance to be with you. She was the closest person in the world to you, she knew everything about you, her she never made any attempts to take things further. That was fine, it wasn’t something you dwelled on, because if you weren’t Ellie’s type, then so be it. You knew you weren’t, and while it was something that didn’t bother you…

It did once she had no issue with hooking up with you, but never tried to actually love you.

It made you feel cheap, knowing that you were only worthy of being the other woman, of being the girl that had to stay hidden behind closed doors, a fantasy for Ellie to play with, all while having the benefits of Sofia as her girlfriend. It made you wonder why you weren’t good enough, what separated you from the other girls she dated.

You figured you’d leave that thought alone. If you didn’t, you’d drive yourself mad.

Alex acted as your person of comfort through all of this, offering you nights of hanging out, study dates, or even stopping by to talk after class. You had to admit, it helped. And while she was sitting across from you on a bench underneath a shady tree, listening as you vented about the paper you were working on for that week, you happened to look up for only a second, and you were suddenly locking eyes with Ellie.

Ellie, who had eyes that were glazed over, lips parted as if she wanted to say something, but couldn’t. Eyebrows knitted together as if she’d cry at any moment, begging, screaming for you to hear her, to see her.

Ellie, who immediately turns her head away from you, and keeps on walking.

Throughout the entire month of not speaking to Ellie, that was the single interaction you had with her. And now, you were expected to spend the holidays with her, her father, and the rest of your family. Pretending as if everything was okay, and none of this was keeping you up every single night since the party.

You tried your hardest to get out of the dinner your mom had planned.

You used every excuse in the book. You said your throat was hurting, meaning you must have been coming down with a cold, you complained that you had the worst headache, you even tried using the excuse of not bringing any appropriate clothes for a party.

But of course, your sweet parents did their best at convincing you that the party would be fun, and you’d regret missing it if you did.

You tried taking your time while getting ready, hoping that with some stroke of luck, everyone that was supposed to arrive would’ve flaked on the last minute, meaning you wouldn’t have to put on a tight dress and do your makeup for no reason. Once you heard your mothers squeals, paired with the front door creaking from upstairs, you knew that was out of the question.

You slowly made your way downstairs, kitten heels clicking against the wooden floorboards, the bottom of your white linen dress swaying a bit with you as you walked. It fit you perfectly, hugging your curves at the middle, little flower cutouts littering every other inch of the dress, a dainty little golden necklace resting against your chest, your hair styled perfectly, makeup even more so.

You smiled softly as you greeted some of the guests, all of them raving to your parents about how pretty you were, how much you’d grown, how they didn’t have a little girl anymore. The compliments swelled your heart, making your head big as you shook them off, trying your best to keep up with all of them. The guests were a good distraction, giving you the opportunity to act as your mothers mini me, handing out glasses of champagne and whiskey, giving everyone a warm greeting.

It was so much of a distraction, that you barely noticed your father opening the door for Joel and Ellie.

With how much she’d been avoiding you, you were almost convinced she wouldn’t come. Ellie was never one to go to places she didn’t want to, and Joel rarely forced her. He knew her boundaries, and so did she, and you were sure that as of right now, you were crossing every single one of them with just your existence alone.

Ellie catches sight of you first, once your father let her go of the big bear hug he gave her, her eyes were instantly searching for you.

She feels her breath hitch once she lays eyes on you, pushing your pretty hair past your shoulder, laughing softly at something someone that wasn’t fully visible to her was saying. You brought your champagne glass to your lips, sipping a bit of the golden, bubbly liquid.

Ellie had never been more jealous of a fucking glass in her entire life.

A few hours prior, Ellie had been pacing in her bedroom a few blocks away from your house. She didn’t know what to wear, she didn’t know how to act, she didn’t even know if she’d actually being going. Ever since the night at the party, Ellie had an unmistakable lump in her throat every time she thought about you.

Every time she thought about your lips on hers, or the way your moans sounded, or the way she’d stupidly avoided that nagging little voice inside her head for the past however many years, screaming at her about how pretty you are, about how good it felt to sleep in bed with you at night, at how fucking right it felt to simply be near you.

She thought about all the times the perfect girl for her was standing right there, and she somehow always passed her up for someone else.

Ellie’s initial reaction to everything was to run. She wanted to run from everything, from you, from Sofia, from her feelings. Everything that was complicated in her life was just another thing she needed to get away from, and it’s why you didn’t hear from her after that night. She made sure to make herself scarce, because she knew once she got in front of you again, she’d either say something ridiculous that would dig her into a deeper hole than she was already in, or she’d screw up and kiss you again because she simply couldn’t help herself.

She figured staying away was the best.

Fighting off her feelings was the way to go, and it’s what she did. She knew that eventually she’d have to face the music, but she opted for that later than sooner. She hoped that by the time she saw you again, you’d both be able to get over whatever it was that happened, sweep it under the rug and carry on like before.

Yet, here she was, facing the music like she knew she had to, and it wasn’t any easier than it was in the beginning.

You were always pretty, from the moment Ellie had found you on the playground as kids, she thought you were pretty. The way your eyes crinkled when you smiled, the way you hid your face behind the thick, frumpy turtle necks during the winter, only your cute cheeks and eyes visible, everything about you had always been so fucking pretty, there was no doubt about it.

But God…she had a tendency of forgetting how fucking breathtaking you were when you were like this. All dressed up, diamond earrings twinkling in the dim light of your home, lips tinted the most perfect shade of red, complimenting your skin tone, tugged between your teeth as you eagerly listened on in whatever conversation you were in.

Whenever you looked like this, only one thought came to Ellie’s mind. She’d think about you and her, in a nice big house, planning cheesy Christmas parties for people, wining and dining your guests, her strong arm snagged around your waist as she paraded around her beautiful wife, bragging about the shiny diamond ring she used to propose to you.

It was a selfish thought, but still one that lingered in the back of her mind. Whenever she couldn’t sleep, or got a little too high, it would pop up, and put a stupid smile on her face as she basked in the way her chest warmed up at the thought of making you her wife, the perfect timeline of friendship to lovers.

It was ridiculous, wasn’t it? Ellie dreaming of you as her wife yet she’d brag about other girls to you constantly. Yeah, she didn’t get it either.

It was like a form of self sabotage, Ellie somehow feeling she’d never be enough for you. As your best friend, she wanted nothing but the best for you, because she knew you deserve it, and somehow she didn’t fit that category herself. She wanted desperately to, to be the one for you, to sweep you off your feet and show you what love is. It made her sick to her stomach even thinking about someone else doing it for you, anyone but her.

It was twisted, and selfish, and fucked up, and it was why you guys were drifting further apart than you ever had.

When Ellie finally decided to go to the party, she had it all planned out. She was going to get in, have a few drinks to loosen her up a bit, then she’d take you away and confess her undying love for you….

Or? She’d stare at you like a hawk all night, get too drunk and leave without uttering a single word to you, continuing her silent streak she had going.

The choice was in her hands.

You still hadn’t noticed her at that point, and once a few other guests had made their way to your front door to be greeted by your dad, and she noticed that you didn’t look their way either, she figured you were avoiding the front door like a plague, because you didn’t want to risk seeing Ellie.

And that was true, partially. You were half ignoring the door, and half enjoying your glass of champagne while speaking to one of your dads dearest friends. The alcohol made you feel warm, and it made it easier to have tunnel vision on anything but Ellie, allowing your fake smile to appear the slightest bit more real to the party goers, and that was good enough for them, and for you.

As much as you tried ignoring the door, you couldn’t ignore Ellie’s eyes burning into from different parts of the room. You could feel her gaze searing into you when your parents were greeting her, once again raving about how beautiful she’d gotten, how much they loved her tattoos. As much as you wanted to give in on her, and lock eyes with those green eyes you missed so much, you knew that was a bad idea.

You’d have to simply play dumb for the rest of the night

The party carried out better than you’d imagined.

You managed to avoid Ellie without being painfully obvious to everyone there that you were in fact avoiding Ellie, and you wanted to praise yourself for doing so. It was easy, busying yourself with guests, the alcohol turning you into the little social butterfly your parents always wanted you to be. Using the excuse of hopping from conversation to conversation made it easy to keep your focus on something for enough time, that you were able to completely ignore Ellie.

Being pulled in all sorts of directions, being called every time you stepped away to refill someone’s drink or grab another tray of snacks, you were the star of the show, as funny as that seemed to you. The attention you received would’ve made your head spin on any other given day, but right now, it was just what the doctor ordered.

Sure, there were a few awkward moments where Ellie made her way to the bar when you just so happened to be there. There were moments where her broad shoulders would brush past yours, almost pulling you out of your fantasy world completely, putting you at her mercy. There was even a moment during dinner where you were positive Ellie’s eyes were going to pop out of her head with how closely she watched you.

Through all of those things, and many other tiny little instances that were a bit too awkward for you to deal with, you prevailed. And honestly? It made you feel hopeful for your future in school. If you managed to ignore Ellie so flawlessly during a holiday party, all while maintaining the composure of not having her near? There was no way in hell you’d fuck up the same exact thing at school.

You didn’t need Ellie, and you were slowly proving that to yourself.

Once dinner was done, everyone stayed for only a bit longer, praising your mothers cooking skills, and the decorations in the house. Slowly, the guests started to leave, sleepy eyes and full bellies was all they needed to be sent home with sweet dreams and even sweeter desserts, courtesy of your mother. You felt the weight on your chest grow lighter and lighter with each person leaving, knowing that in due time, Ellie would be leaving as well. When you heard your father and mother walking Joel to the door, all three of them laughing like a group of teenagers after a rowdy night together, you bid the older man a goodbye and made yourself scarce. The kitchen had been cleaned, leftovers had been packed up and put away, and you were feeling far too warm from the liquor, and in desperate need of your bed.

Your heels clicked against wooden stairs as you made your way up to your bedroom, a soft huff leaving your lips as you reached behind your back, struggling to undo the annoying little clasp that held the back of your dress together near the zipper. Another puff of air blew passed your burgundy tinted lips once you reached your bedroom, kicking your slipper heels off as you continued clumsily fumbling with the back of your dress. At this point, you felt tempted to call it quits and sleep in the damn thing.

A soft knock on your door caught your attention, and you let out a sigh of relief as you walked over to it, knowing that it was most certainly your mother coming up to catch any late night gossip that you and her had caught within the night from some of the older ladies that attended.

“Thank god, i was waiting for you to come up. Can you help me with this, mom? I can’t get the clasp” you huff out softly, already turning around and reaching behind your back to fumble with the clasp before you can see who it is standing at your doorway.

Ellie’s eyes are shamelessly raking down your body, the girl swallowing thickly as she looks down at the swell of your ass under the taunt, linen fabric of your dress. The lack of your mothers voice makes you frown, and you quickly turn around to see what it is that has her so silent, but your face drops whenever you’re met face to face with Ellie instead.

Any cockiness that you felt regarding how well you’d ignored Ellie that night had disappeared, and was only replaced with silence as you stared into her eyes. Your throat goes dry, unable to find the words to say to her, and Ellie figures this is her chance.

“Um…your parents and my dad went to check out some holiday thing going on down the street…they asked if I wanted to come but I…figured I should come talk to you instead” she explains, and you simply stare at her dumbfounded, because the path of logic that lead her up to your bedroom is one that you seriously can't come to sympathize with, no matter how pitiful she looked staring into your eyes.

You inhaled deeply, eyebrows furrowed as you gave the girl an unamused look. A moment of silence passes between the both of you before you give her a shrug. "If you leave now you could probably still catch them" you hum out, the alcohol in your system making it far too easy to be rude to your best friend. She visibly deflates at your words, the tone on your tongue foreign to her ears. She was so used to you being so shy, so sweet, always welcoming her with there same sweet words you had for her.

"Look...We can't just carry on as if nothing happened. We need to talk about this...please", you hate the way your stomach does flips when she speaks, the girl practically pleading with you to hear her out. Begging to get a moment alone with you to simply reflect on everything that happened. In that moment, you realized that no matter what, no matter what she did to you, or what happened between the two of you...

You would always be weak for her.

Your gaze softens as you watch her, taking a deep breath before you silently step to the side, giving her the space to walk into your bedroom. The way her eyes shine when you do this doesn't go unnoticed, and those stupid fucking puppy dog eyes of hers are making you melt all over again, especially when she looks so happy just from you letting her into your room.

Ellie inhales deeply once she's in your room, looking around and taking it all in. She recalls all the many nights you two had spent there together, staying up late and watching corny movies, your eyes burning from being glued to the tv for too long. She remembers all the times she would follow you home after school, using studying as an excuse to spend a few more hours of the day with you. She remembers all of it, every memory, all the times you two spent together in that house, in your room. She smiles at the sight of the little flowers on your bedsheets, or the way your room had somehow perfectly preserved the sent of you, of your shampoo, of your favorite lotion, filling her lungs and almost making her feel dizzy. She makes a mental note that your room is definitely one of her favorite places.

And she hates that you two had come to whatever you were at now, creating bitter memories in such a sweet space.

The sound of your soft sigh cuts through her thoughts, and she quickly turns around to see you. Your arms were crossed over your chest, your face still with that unamused expression, making Ellie feel like you would rather be anywhere other than with her, like you couldn't wait for her to leave your bedroom, and it makes her heart sink completely, because out of all the memories Ellie had with you, none of them were ever filled with that face that you were making.

She clears her throat, awkwardly shifting her weight onto feet as she gives you a nod, as if answering a question that you hadn't even asked. "Sorry..um...let's sit?" She questions hopefully, and you shake your head, standing your ground with the girl.

"I'm fine here...and whatever you need to say to me can be said standing up" you mumble out softly. You knew deep down, that the second Ellie got you siting next to her, you wouldn't be able to fight back the urges you had to jump her bones. You would be lying if you said that you didn't think about her every night since the party. Her lips, her tongue, the way her hands felt roaming your body, keeping you close while you both slept. The memories you had with here were seared at the front of your brain, demanding to be acknowledged every waking moment of your day.

She frowns softly at your words, but gives you a gentle nod, understanding that this was just as hard for you as it was for her, if not more. Ellie takes a deep inhale, seemingly trying to find the right words to say, the right way to start off this entire conversation. She finds herself choking up, heart beating so fast she was sure you could hear it. You're making her nervous, and Ellie is finding it hard to separate the girl that has been her best friend for her entire life, from the girl that she was falling in love with.

And she finds it hard to figure out when those two things became one and the same.

"I broke up with Sofia." she blurts out, the words almost leaving her lips too fast to make a coherent sentence, but still, you catch every word perfectly. You stare at her for a moment before you scoff, you don't mean for the sound to come out as harsh as it does, but you don't have much control over your emotions at the moment.

"Is that supposed to change every thing? Is that supposed to make all of this okay, Ellie?" You question, the calmness of your voice almost scaring Ellie. She quickly shakes her head, stepping closer towards you, to which you take a step back, mirroring the morning after the party almost identically.

"No! Fuck..No, it isn't supposed to fix every thing..I just-" Although you agreed to hearing Ellie out, letting her into your bedroom for the sole purpose of letting her explain, you're cutting her off, because you truly cannot hold back anymore. You're tired of holding it all back, biting your tongue and forcing down what you felt for the sake of others.

"Do you not understand what you did? You sabotaged something that was....that was fucking good for me. Alex was so good for me, and you were so dead set on ruining that for me!" Your voice slowly begins to raise, and you are so thankful that your parents and Joel aren't in the house, because you're sure the neighbors can probably hear you.

Ellie opens her mouth again to speak, attempting to diffuse your anger, but you don't let her. "No, I have gone this entire time in silence, it's time I talk for once" you stop her, and Ellie is positive she's never seen you this angry in her entire life.

"You have known me, almost your entire life. You never once made any advances towards me, which is fine! I've watched you have multiple girlfriends who could not be any further away from what I am than they already are, and I never said a word. I have loved you from the moment I understood what love is, and I never said anything. I was okay with not being wanted by you, I was content with just being your friend, but suddenly you're stopping me from gettin into a relationship of my own? and using me to cheat on your girlfriend?" You started pacing as you spoke, your hands flailing about as you ranted, unable to even stop and realize that you had in fact just confessed that you loved your best friend.

You were just so tired. You were tired of feeling unwanted, of feeling like you were always the second option, never worthy enough to be the girl that was taken home to mom, always the girl that was picked last.

You were fucking tired.

Ellie feels like her heart seizes up when she hears those words, the ones that confirmed your feelings. She hears how tired you are, how broken you have become, at the hands of her doings, and she can feel that the love you have for her is slowly drifting as this situation prolongs.

"And...and I know I've never been that girl. I'll never be Sofia, I'll never be the girl that makes people do a double take when I'm walking down the hallway, Im not...that isn't me. And I was fine with that! I was fine with going unnoticed...but do you...do you know how hard it is to be placed second by the girl you're madly in love with? You made me feel so...fucking worthless of actually being wanted past a night of fucking" You're crying at this point, soft hiccups and sighs interrupting every other word, making it hard to breath, and making you sound all the more broken.

Ellie watches as you pace back and forth, ranting, crying, desperately trying to find answers for why she did what she did. Searching for the will to prove that you were worth it, that you were worth love.

She realizes that she destroyed any chance of you feeling worthy of love when she drove Alex away from you.

You finally stop pacing, turning towards her. The image of you breaks her heart, because your lashes are webbed together, eyes glossy with tears, cheeks soaked, chest rising and falling as you try to catch your breath.

"You need to leave" You mumble out, voice trembling as you struggle to get the words out. Ellie simply stares as she watches you, shaking her head as she tugs her bottom lip between her teeth. "M'not going anywhere...I won't leave you again" She tries, her voice barely above a whisper. Your chin wobbles a bit as more tears threaten to spill onto your cheeks, your throat burning as you shake your head, your arms going up to wrap around your torso, as if you were keeping yourself from falling apart.

"Y-you need to get out of my house, Ellie...I can't...I won't allow you to break my heart anymore" The way you struggle to find a proper pattern of breathing and speech is a clear indication that you're on the verge of breaking down all over again, crumbling apart and letting your emotions get the best of you, and it hurts Ellie so much, she feels tears prickling at her own eyes as well.

She frowns deeply as she moves to step closer to you, watching as your head falls, staring at the floor of your bedroom, small whimpers leaving your lips. She takes the opportunity to get as close to you as she had the entire night, staring down at you for a moment before she hesitantly wraps her strong arms around your body, which results in a low sigh of relief from her, and more sobs from you.

"Can't leave you, angel...Im not making that mistake again" She mumbles softly, her words muffles as she presses her face against your head, her eyes fluttering shut as she takes a deep inhale of your floral shampoo.

And you can't even fight her off, not when your body is shaking as you sob in her arms, not when her holding you is the only thing that soothes the burn, soothes your aching heart of all the pain it had experienced, not only within the past month, but throughout the entire duration of your friendship with Ellie.

Ellie stands there for a moment, holding you as you cry, as you both cry. Somewhere within the time of hearing your soft little whimpers muffled into her shirt, tears began to spill onto her cheeks as well. Her strong arms ran up and down your back, keeping you close, thankful that you were at least letting her do this for you. Once you had calmed down a bit, you finally pull away slightly to look up into her eyes, your own red and puffy as you sniffle.

"I meant it Ellie...I can't...I won't do this with you anymore" You mumble softly, your heart swelling due to how fucking close she was. You could kiss her if you wanted to, the girl staring down at you and taking in all of your features.

She felt her heart break, because she knew you were referring to your friendship, but your words felt like it was an ending to so much more than that. It felt like she was losing her person, the one that was for her, her only love that she needed within her life.

Because she was.

She inhaled deeply, shaking her head slightly as she tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. "You know I can't leave...angel.." she hummed softly, and it made you eyebrows furrow. She felt your hands push against her waist, trying to pry your body from hers, trying your best to put more space between the two of you so that you could finally kick her out, and end whatever it was that was going on between the two of you.

And she realized, it was now or never.

"I can't do that, because i'm in love with you" she continued quickly, knowing she was running out of time to tell you how she felt. She knew that this was her last chance, and she had to use it accordingly.

The way your eyes widen as you stare up at her makes Ellie frown, because you look shocked. Is it really so shocking to believe that your best friend could love you just as much as you loved her, if not more?

You don't say anything, so she takes your silence as an opportunity to continue speaking.

"Since we were kids...I just...I didn't want to ruin things, and I always knew you deserved better than what I could ever offer, and you still do...But i'm selfish, and I can't ignore the way I feel when i'm around you" She mumbles out, trying to speak low so that you don't hear the way her voice begins to break the more she speaks about it.

You can see clearly that she's on the verge of tears, her green eyes glossing over with tears, her nose and cheeks flushing red as she bit down on her bottom lip, seemingly fighting back the tears as she squeezes your waist, trying her best to keep herself at bay.

"Im sorry..for everything that I've done...for making you ever feel like you were unwanted or undesirable when that couldn't be further from the truth...I was stupid, and I did things horribly and I've fucked up any chances I had with making you something more to me than friend...but I hope you can forgive me...because I can't...I can't do this without you" she whimpers out softly, the tears that she was desperately trying to hold back, already flowing down her freckled cheeks.

When she stares down at you, and your expression is so unreadable, and all you can do is stare back at her, she knows it's done. She knows that she shouldn't have come to bother you, and that she was better of leaving things as they were, but she can't help but feel a bit of relief that you now know the she loves you too.

And as her hands begin to loosen from your waist, and a soft sigh of defeat leaves her lips, you do something that you didn't think you would do in a million years.

You cup both your hands around Ellies face, and kiss her with every ounce of passion in your body.

It catches her off guard at first, but she doesn't waste much time in kissing you back. You can feel the way her slender fingers grip your waist tighter, desperately pulling you closer to her body as you kiss her passionately, your hands going up to wrap around her neck, basking in the love that you could feel pouring out of Ellie, and flowing straight into you.

She feels like her head is spinning, because she was sure she wouldn't ever feel your soft lips pressed against hers. You were the one that got away, and she had already made peace with that. But you were kissing her, and the passion was growing by the second, and you were slowly pushing her back towards the bed, and suddenly she has you again.

It's all a blur, because one moment you were yelling at Ellie, crying to her about how heart broken you were. Then she was apologizing to you, begging for your forgiveness, and now she's laying on your bed, with you straddling her as you kiss her passionately, slowly, simply enjoying the taste of each others mouths. Ellie's hands are roaming your body, squeezing your thighs, your middle, every where she can possibly touch you, she is. The kissing is slow, and sensual, and the sound of your tongues lapping against one another makes all of the heat in your body rush to your core.

Ellie groans softly when you break the kiss, opening her mouth to complain and pull you back to where she needed you the most, yet her words are dying down once she notices that you begin to kiss down her body.

You push her t shirt up a bit, kissing her hips gently before you settle between her legs, humming softly as you begin to undo the button of her jeans and tug them down her body. This makes Ellie frown, because as much as she can feel her aching clit throb at the mere thought of having your mouth on her cunt, she knows she doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve to have you there, so she props herself up on her palms, and tries to close her legs.

"Baby...wait...you don't have to-" You quickly cut her off, tugging her jeans more before you shake your head. "I've dreamed about doing this to you for years...please" you whine softly, staring up at her with wide eyes as you tug your bottom lip between your teeth. Ellie isn't strong enough for this, because you're settled between her legs, giving her the sweetest puppy dog eyes, biting down on your plush lips, and begging to eat her out. She knows she should be worshiping you, but god you are hard to say no to.

She simply raises her hips, aiding you in tugging her jeans off. She chuckles softly when she sees the way your eyes glimmer with excitement when she does this. You hum softly, leaning into her clothed core and pressing a soft kiss to it, the wet patch making you hum softly against her. "So pretty..." you hum softly, more so to yourself than her before you tug her panties to the side, far too eager to be faced with the job of taking them off.

You waste no time in pressing your lips to her soaked pussy, which forces Ellie to moan softly, her eyebrows furrowed with pleasure as she stares down at you, wanting to burn the image of you eating her pussy in her brain for the rest of her life. Your tongue pushes past your lips, lapping at her core, circling her clit, and it makes Ellie feel like she's going to lose her mind.

She feels her chest burn with a tinge of jealousy, because how the hell are you so good at that?

Your tongue pushing into her drooling hole makes all of those thoughts leave her mind instantly, and she's throwing back her head, moaning loudly for you as you begin to practically tongue fuck her.

"Ahhh...such a good fucking girl...eating my pussy so good..." her praises go straight to your core, forcing you to whine softly against her pussy. Ellie groans, her tattooed hand going to your head, keeping you close as she begins grinding against your face. "Mm..f-fuck...thats my fucking girl...fuck....wait...wait..Im close" she groans softly, trying to pull your mouth away from her. You don't budge though, eager to taste her release. You whine softly, your tongue rapidly moving against her clit. It makes Ellie groan, her eyebrows furrowing as she desperately began to shy away from your mouth, shaking her head as she tried catching her breath. "Slow down baby..I don't...I wanna cum with you..." She explains, and her heart breaks as you pout up at her, clearly displeased with her for not allowing you to finish playing with her pussy. It makes Ellie chuckle, and she slowly begins to pull you up, humming as she lets you straddle her lap. "Don't pout at me that way, baby...wanna do this right" She explained, looking up at you with hearts in her eyes, glimmering with adoration like a love sick puppy.

Her stare makes you whine softly, and her hand comes up to cup your cheek gently. "Will you let me make love to you? Is that okay?" She questioned, her voice low and soft, giving you full control of the situation, determining whether or not this would go any further.

And for a moment, you questioned what was best. You could have stopped this, crawled off of Ellies body and send her home, telling her that this was a mistake, and you should just stop being friends right then and there.

Or, you could simply let go. You could forgive her, and allow yourself all of the love you had ever wanted and craved from her, since you were a young girl. You could give into her, and let her love you the way you knew she could. Your heart still ached, and the scars that were left were still present, but they were fading, and every moment that you spent with Ellie, like this, in her arms, you felt as though she was exactly what you needed to feel better.

Ellie was mending your broken heart, and there was no way you'd let that go.

Without missing another beat, you give Ellie a soft nod before you leaned in, pressing the softest, sweetest kiss to her mouth. It makes her groan softly, because what did she ever do to deserve someone so soft, so forgiving, so fucking good.

She hums softly as she reaches behind you, undoing the claps of your dress before zipping it down and tugging it off your body, leaving you only in your panties before her. She gently pulls you against her body, your naked chest flushed against hers as she turns both of your bodies around so you were laying down with your back against your bed, and she was hovering over you.

She pulls back, sighing softly as her eyes raked down your body, taking you in like a work of art. She began tugging her own t shirt off, leaving her completely naked before you, before she reached down and snagged two fingers under the waistband of your panties, pulling them down as well.

She pressed her lip against yours, one of her hands coming down and grabbing your thigh so that your legs were spread. The kiss was sweet, and loving, and it made your head spin, distracting you from the way she began slotting herself against you, positioning her soaking wet core right against yours, the feeling making you moan softly into her mouth.

"I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you...my sweet girl.." She mumbled softly against your lips before she pulled away from you, straightening out her back a she stared down at you, one of your legs tossed over her shoulder, as she slowly began grinding her pussy down onto yours.

You had never felt anything like it. She was so wet, so soft against you, her velvety core slipping and sliding against yours, clit bumping against yours in a way that could only be described as euphoric. It made your back arch almost painfully.

Your eyes never left Ellie, because she looked like a goddess above you. Her features were so beautiful, the warm glow of the moon shining in through your window and illuminating them, so that she looked like something out of a fairytale. Her eyes were filled with love, her lips dragging against your calf, kissing you wherever she could as she stared at you, watching your every move, watching as your face contorted with pleasure.

"Look at you...you're a fucking dream...the perfect fucking girl for me" She moaned out, her hips slowly rolling, fucking her pussy down onto yours deliciously slow. You only nodded, whining softly as you grabbed her thigh, massaging her soft skin as you tried hanging on as long as you possibly could.

She smirked softly, tugging her bottom lip between her teeth as she moaned again. "You're so fuckin' cute...my pretty girl..." her voice was so low, words so slow, dripping with lust, want, need.

Love.

She was getting closer, and so were you. You could tell in the way she started to speed up, her teeth grazing against your leg as she began to get restless. Her eyebrows furrowed with pleasure. "I...fuck I love you so much...I have always loved you so fucking much" she moaned out, and this pulls a long, drawn out moan from your lips, which results in an encouraging nod from Ellie.

"L-love you so much, Ellie...always have" you whine out, struggling to form coherent and full sentences as you became prisoner to the pleasure Ellie brought you. She moaned softly, leaning down and pressing her body against yours, your pebbled nipples pressed against her own as she caught your lips in a passionate kiss.

"That's it baby...come on...cum for me...cum with me" she groaned against your lips, her hips moving faster as she chased both your orgasms.

You moaned loudly, pushing your tongue into Ellies mouth, wrapping you arms around her neck to keep her close, and allowing yourself to let go as your orgasm washed over you. It was intense, and euphoric, and blissful, and it felt like you were gettin hit by a bolt of lightening, because you felt your heart blooming with a love like no other.

It was different from the feeling of a crush, or what you thought was a love unrequited. It was hot, and electrifying and it made you feel alive again, it mended any broken feelings you had before the night had started, and even before that, and it made you feel like you were complete.

Ellie groaned against your mouth, her orgasm lining up with yours when she felt the way you pushed your tongue into her mouth, needy whines telling her all that she needed to know, that she had gotten you there, and she had shown you just how much she loved you.

You both laid there for a moment, wrapped in each others arms, trying to catch your breath. Ellie held you close, brushing the hair out of your face that had stuck to your skin during everything, she gave you gentle praises, bringing you back to earth with her. Soon, you were both tugging your blankets over your bodies, the chilly air making its presence known as it nipped away at your naked bodies.

You laid there, tangled up in each others embrace, kissing softly, and laughing lazily, exhaustion slowly taking over you both. You felt in your heart that this was all far different from the night at the party. This was filled with passion, and love, and it all started from a clean slate, where you two began to once again understand each other.

And as you fell asleep, you knew for a fact that Ellie Williams, was yours.

[muniimyg]

the morning after // kth

pieces of peace; a series of therapy sessions

# 3 ! oc has broken up with taehyung and he struggles to understand the breakup

navi | m. list | ask me ! | no tag list 

paring:

sadboy taehyung + ex girlfriend oc

au/genre:

post-break up au / getting back together

healing, sulking, attempting to move on

angst angst angst

note: tbh this one has been in my drafts for literally MONTHS. i dunno what is even going on but i jus need it out lololol

There’s no point.

No point in anything these days.

No point in eating out because he was used to asking for a table for two and eating alone just looks so fucking sad.

No point in making coffee because he doesn’t even like it. Regardless of how many sweeteners he put in his cup, it always tastes too bitter. Too bland. Too anticlimactic. But he sipped every sip just to spend time with you in the morning. So no, Taehyung did not like coffee but he loved you. He learned how to make coffee for two, not for one. 

It hasn’t been long since you left.

It’s only been a month and a half but it feels like a lifetime without you by his side. You left and made his king-sized bed for one. He hasn’t slept alone in years. He doesn’t even remember what it feels like to sleep on the right side of the bed because that was your side.

It’s the same way he can’t recall what it’s like to have his heart to himself: it was yours. For so long, it had been yours to care for, to love, and to keep. 

But shit happens.

Things change. 

People change. 

You needed space and Taehyung had to give it to you. He had to empty parts of himself for you. It left him questing who he is without you.

Yeah.

Who is he without you? 

It’s something his friend would constantly ask one another whenever he arrived late to dinners in hoodies and a sad smile. No one could make him feel better even for a millisecond. You were by far the best thing to have ever happened to him and everyone knew that. 

Still, Taehyung’s friends tried. 

Tonight, they invited another pretty girl that looked to be Taehyung’s type. Again, they play the not-so-subtle game of “have you met Taehyung?” 

It makes him sick. 

How I Met Your Mother was your favourite show to play as background noise. Especially when you two were preparing dinners or making sleepy 8AM pancakes before heading to your parent’s home for Sunday family lunch. 

The girl looks a little too much like you. It pains Taehyung more than it attracts him. He feels stupid in front of his friends. He feels stupid for doing this to you because it wasn’t your face or your body. None of that compared to the way you held his heart and loved him the way you did. 

How you mastered comforting him on days he felt weaker than usual. 

How each kiss from you felt better than the last. 

How complete his life felt sitting next to you, watching the raspberry lemonade sky fade into a starry night.

How you completed him.

It’s only been a month and half but he still misses mornings with you. The stupid mid-day texts you’d send because a mug, a random YouTube video, or a picture of a cute dog popped up and reminded you of him. It was everything mundane that had him enchanted by you. 

He misses you. 

From slow and giggly sex, spontaneous convince store trips at 2AM, and even quiet dinners after an argument—he wants nothing more than those moments back. He wants nothing more than for you to come back and just be his again.

It aches.

Every part of his day aches as he’s all alone. Who's by your side? Is it that guy from your workplace that couldn’t get the hint? Is it your best girlfriends that never really liked him in the first place? Or are you by yourself too?

The only thing Taehyung doesn’t miss about you is the way you made him feel the morning after.

When he woke up groggy, eyes puffy from crying, and worst of all: hopeful. He has never wanted to wake up from a nightmare this bad before. It was that morning when he brewed coffee for two, ate out for dinner, and asked for a table for two, and found himself dragging his feet with his head hanging low on his walk home all alone. 

It takes so much of him to fix these habits. 

Brew coffee for one, not two. 

Table for one, not two. 

Live for himself, not you. 

It felt silly. The whole break-up and the ache wrapped around it like a bow. There was no point in feeling that kind of devastation, right? Taehyung knows he’ll get over it. Though it may be hard and nearly impossible, he will one day get over you. 

But not today. 

Not the morning after, not the week after, not months after.. He’ll continue to hurt until you come back to him and heal him or he goes numb from all this fucking bullshit. 

Taehyung has never felt more alone in his life. 

Then, his phone buzzes.

Jimin [3:29AM]: We’ll stop setting U up on dates if U want. We can come over and make sure U’re eating right if U want

Taehyung [3:32AM]: Nah

Jimin [3:37AM]: … Or idk talk to her? Talk to a therapist or smt. Idk. This isn’t U. Feels like we’ve been losing U lately. Don’t break up with us.

Taehyung [3:41AM]: Lol

Taehyung sighs, not bothering to keep this conversation going. It’s all the same. It’s the same pity and the same self-help suggestions. It all burned slowly and made him feel crazy. He wasn’t crazy because, in the darkness of his bedroom, he thinks to himself: this helps. 

Talking, acknowledging, and letting myself feel everything right now by himself.. Helps. For now, this will suffice. Being here for himself helps. This is therapeutic.  

Besides, he doesn’t have the energy to go to a therapist and force himself to open up. Maybe he should go there when he knows his feelings a little better himself.. Yeah. That’s more like it.

It’s like this: if he knows he feels alone, what was the point of trying to fill that void when it’s yours to fill? You are only his to love and that defeats him entirely. He doesn’t want to call or text you because he wants you to do that on your own. 

There was no point in begging or trying to fix himself. Why couldn’t he just be broken in peace? Be aimless and call it healing. Taehyung doesn’t want direction right now. He didn’t want there to be a point or to even think of love. The questions were endless, but the answer had been prefixed from the very beginning. 

Then, his phone buzzes. He expects it to be Jimin.

YN [4:01AM]: Hey

YN [4:01AM]: U up?

Taehyung [4:03AM]: Hi

YN [4:03AM]: Can we talk?

Taehyung [4:04AM]: Idk. About what?

YN [4:04AM]: Us? The morning after? Anything

Taehyung [4:07AM]: Come over. I’ll make us some coffee

YN [4:08AM]: But you don’t like coffee

Taehyung [4:08AM]: I still drank it every morning with U. Also, Idk how to brew coffee for one so just come over. We’ll figure it out

YN [4:09AM]: Okay. Let’s figure it out

Taehyung [4:09AM]: Good

Taehyung [4:12AM]: I miss you

YN [4:13AM]: I miss you too

Taehyung smiles at his phone. He gets up and goes to his kitchen to begin brewing coffee for two. He isn’t sure what this means or what is to come.. But he has a feeling there’s a point to all of this—that the morning after would be a new beginning. 

After all, what was the point of love if it wasn’t going to be you?

[hoshi-y]

🍇

Your blog is a Godsend honestly😭😭 The writing the TBHK Fandom gets is so little compared to other Fandom and yours is some of the best in my opinion!

I was wondering if I could have letters A, B, C, E, J, K, L, S and W for Hanako or Amane pls?

Don't rush to finish it tho, take your time! Have a nice day/night <3

Fluff Alphabet | Amane Y.

A/N : WOWSHWUHS OH MY GOD YOU THINK SO? I am very flustered HWHSHSHA my purpose here on tumblr was to share my piled up story ideas, headcanons or even one shots, and it still surprises me how far I've come now that I am looking and writing other peoples amazing ideas, LOOKING TO WRITE FOR MORE HEHE

The person who I was following their prompt for I cant open their prompt list, so I searched some up and wrote what I could remember 💔

I HOPE YOU ENJOY 💗

A, B, C, E, J, K, L, S, W

A - Affection. "How do they show affection?"

Oh good golly where do I even start? Amane would show you affection in EVERY possible way, simple hugs, kisses, spending time with you, doing things you love, even the smallest things he does to show you affection absolutely makes you blush. But his most favorite way to show affection to you is through hugs and words. He loves to pull you into a long hug and whisper sweet nothings into your ear as he smirks at your blushing face

Some are even perverted topics—

B-Beauty. "What do they find most attractive?"

Amane can NEVER pick out which part of you he finds attractive

You were absolutely perfect in his eyes, and he loves you so much to notice any imperfections with you.

every part of you he finds attractive

C-Comfort. "How do they help you when you feel sad?"

Amane is a guy who'd comfort you with words, and long tights hugs. He'd whisper sweet things into your ear while he brushes your hair and kiss away all your salty tears.

When you're feeling dowm, he'd know right away, he'd stop whatever he is doing or drop everything he's gonna do, cancel plans, etc. He would immediately pull you into a tight but comforting embrace and sit you down as he comforts you, he won't push you to say what or who is bothering you. He just wants to put that bright and cheerful smile on your face once again.

E-Equal "Are they the dominant one in the relationship?

Come on this is Yugi Amane we're talking about. There are times he wants ti be the dominant one in the relationship (not in a toxic way) but there are times he'd let you become the dominant one (bottom??)

J-Jealousy "Do they get jealous easily?"

He can handle his jealousy, but only for a little while before he snaps and hugs your waist fr9m behind as he rest his chin on your shoulder glaring at the person who you have all your attention to and not him

K-Kisses "Are they a good kisser?"

He is an AMAZING kisser, come on you can't tell me he doesn't have experience with the amount of books or 'magazines' he reads, he'd give you those short kisses, long, french (oh my), passionate kisses, they are so addictive you wouldn't last a day without it

L-Love "How did they confess to their s/o?"

Although Amane is very cheerful and outgoing, he has a shy side of him, the way he confessed to you was by leaving anonymous notes on your desk or in your shoe locker.

He doesn't want people intervening nor watching, he wants this confession to be you and him only, so he confessed during a school festival on the rooftop while both of you were stargazing, he made cheesy remarks at first but then pops the question <3

He was very nervous that you'd reject him, but now he doesn't need to worry now that you're his

S-Support "Do they support their s/o's to achieve their goals?"

Amane would ALWAYS support you, with whichever decisions you make.

If you tell him about a goal that you're trying to achieve, he won't make fun at you, make remarks nor comment, he'd offer to help so that you can achieve that goal

W-Wild card "Random fluff headcanon"

There was a time you saw he was hiding his pen with a moon keychain on it in his bag, you made a comment on how cute it was and that made him happy, the next day he had it on his shirt pocket everyday ever since that comment he'd put it out for you to see, he'd even buy you the star one so you and him could match 😭💗

IM SLEEPY GOODNIGHT WORLD

[bereft-of-frogs]

is friday. have a list.

reading:

(finished) Notes on an Execution - Danya Kukafka: Still excellent, still thinking about the ending

(in-progress) The Great Transition - Nick Fuller Goggins: I got this from the person who runs the horror book club I go to. The blurb compared it to Station Eleven, perilously high praise, but I'm weirdly enjoying it. Weirdly because I was afraid the structure would get annoying and weirdly because it's doing a bunch of things I usually find annoying but I'm not annoyed? I think it's because even though there's a lot of social justice themes, it never really feels like the characters are lecturing at the reader. Like there have been some scenes where characters are lecturing other characters - but so far they've all felt like they were more about revealing about the characters and their relationships rather than being like 'see, I know about solidarity, look how good a person I am!' I also really like that the exposition is being given through one of the POV characters (a high school student)'s essays, which have comments from her teacher and the comments are all PERFECT - and sure enough the author's day job is as a teacher. XD

(finished) Light of the Jedi - Charles Soule: still not my favorite, but it does pick up once you get past the first part. I think the narration of that action goes on for a bit too long and doesn't leave much space to take in the characters or setting because so much is happening, one thing after another. But, as I said last week, infinitely better than doomscrolling

(in-progress) Into the Dark - Claudia Gray: Ok the thing about Light is that I didn't really care about any of the deaths in it....until this book made me care. I think Gray is just a little bit more adept at character writing, I really started to fall in love with the High Republic and its characters in this book. I am sad though, given I'm probably going to have to skip Midnight Horizon to avoid getting derailed again, this might be where Reath and I part ways. I ended up loving Reath so much! But alas! Midnight Horizon was not my cup of tea, so I will have to say farewell.

(in-progress) Lord of the Rights chapter-a-day reread: Pelennor Fields today. DEAAAATTTHHH!!!!

watching (tv):

(finished) Silo (Apple TV): WHY am I still thinking about that finale?? why was that so good? WHEN is season 2 coming out?

(in-progress, rewatch) Altered Carbon (Netflix): to stop myself from just watching dumb commentary youtube videos while I'm cooking/eating dinner/etc I started rewatching Altered Carbon and damn it's just so good. I'm almost finished with the first season, I know the second is controversial/isn't quite as good but I still enjoyed it so will continue on

I'm in kind of a hangover post-Silo for the show I watch as part of my bedtime routine. I watched 2 episodes of Foundation and precisely 30 minutes of Severance before I fell asleep last night (I was just really tired because a certain Void Creature had me up at 5AM, not Severance's fault), so idk which I'm going to continue on with. Probably Severance, I'll get back to Foundation eventually.

watching (film):

The Strangers (2008): That scene where Liv Tyler is smoking in the kitchen and the intruder is standing unseen in the background is my LITERAL NIGHTMARE.

Hell House LLC II: The Abbadon Hotel (2018) and Hell House LLC III: Lake of Fire (2019): This is such a bizarre series because the first is slightly above-average found footage, the fourth is actually surprisingly scary, and the middle two are SUCH hot garbage, but. Completionist. I have seen them all now. The best scene in the third is with the cultists/demons scuttling around and I realized why it makes me laugh, they remind me of the wraiths in What We Do in the Shadows XD

Dune Part 2 (2024) - I SAW DUNE AGAIN IT WAS STILL GOOD. Aside, is Austin Butler in something the Youths (TM) like? Because I only know him from the awful Elvis movie I suffered through last year. The girl selling my ticket was like 'yeah I've seen it twice as an audience member and then I keep going up to the projection room to watch the duel because Austin Butler *heart eyes*' and I was like.....him? Really? Are the kids just horny for Harkonnens? I have questions.

video game update: I'm unstuck on cult of the lamb! I had the run of my life and got past the underwater level, it was great.

craft update: Skein still tangled, don't want to talk about it. But I've finished the short rows on the sweater vest and am onto the repetitive part! The next real milestone will be getting to where it joins the back under the arms, and I no longer have to purl. I can't wait.

weekend list -- just kidding it's a WEEK list because I'm on vacation! (technically I am dogsitting but I'm still taking a week off from work to go hang out with a dog, so that counts as vacation):

focus up to get through the workday. friends, it is 11AM and that is not going well, let me tell you

go for a run

pack / tidy up apartment so I don't come back to wreckage

non-writing things to do while at parents' house:

many walks! dog cuddles!

try out their fancy peloton thing, see what this cult thing is all about

knitting - planning to work on sweater vest, despite the fact that it is black and my parents' dog is so, so yellow... (she's a yellow lab)

laundry. so much laundry. everything that is in my apartment that can be put in a washing machine, is being brought. We've got sheets, we've got towels, bath mats, etc etc. My parents are paying me for dogsitting services in water usage.

read: I'm bringing 3 books I took out of the library yesterday which seems...ambitious...but maybe doable if I-

--don't scroll. seriously. I've blocked so many things, if I can just stick to occasionally checking my tumblr dash and maybe pinterest once in a while, I can get so much else done

writing to-do:

main project: longfic I am tentatively calling 'the station' (probably will change but this is at least better than my last working title which made no sense so I'm keeping it for now), I have 25k in a very rough draft, and am on chapter 2 of 12 in the rewrite (about 8k words). (It's probably going to be much longer than 25k, that was essentially just the self-indulgent scenes that came easily, now I'm doing the hard plot work, connecting scenes, etc, trying to go roughly in order so I don't have to do another full draft.)

start on the final part of 'omens and all kinds of signs': ideally finish a rough draft but we'll see, I have not started it at all, but I know it will feel good to finish it, if I can get some of the pieces together, that would be great

rough draft of the third variation on the tattoo theme (I have...900 words so far)

rough draft of an alternative POV to an already posted fic that's just an excuse to be shamelessly self-indulgent (I have ?? words scribbled in a notebook about it)

[pbandjesse]

I went back to work today. And that is good. It is nice to have a routine again. Today was a little boring. But it was not all bad. I had a pretty good day.

I didn't sleep amazing. But I woke up and was fine enough. I found James on the couch just so tired but not able to get back to sleep. They would try again after I left. But for the moment they were just on the couch looking sad.

I got dressed and kissed their head to try and cheer them up. They had packed me a little lunch. And sent me off with a big hug.

I made it half way across the street when I realized I forgot my drink. So I went back up. Decided to also get orange juice too. Another loss and then I was off.

It was a really easy drive. No traffic. No sun in my eyes. I got to camp and it was very cold. I was glad I wore a fleece under my big jacket. It actually felt like winter today.

I drove up to the art building first to drop off some stuff. I found a box I could bring home for getting rid of the stuff we wanted to put on the stoop. Excellent. I will have to go take the trash out at the art building probably tomorrow. But I was to cold and wanted to go to the office and have my breakfast.

James packed me a bagel and it was very good. I was the first one there and I put the heat on and tried to make it cozier in there. Cause it was very chilly.

I had my bagel and answered some emails. And put some stuff away and just tried to settle back into being at work. I didn't really know what to do. So as a first step I looked at out to do list and I decided to rewrite the whole thing because we have knocked out so many things. And I gave us some room to add things. It was pretty productive, even if I couldn't cross things off.

Camp registration opened last night. I was prepared to hear the phones ring a lot today. But I was alone and I wouldn't be able to help anyone so at 858 when the phone started ringing I got out of there.

I grabbed the gator keys (after hemming and hawing about walking to the Alaskans) and drove to Yukon to go in the basement. I wanted to borrow some plastic boxes and I knew we had some down there. And a million lids that do not fit those boxes.

The drive up there is very quick but I didn't want to drive so fast because it was stupid cold and my ears and hands were so cold. Thankfully the basement was warm and I was able to warm up a little.

After I got my boxes I drove to top bar and saw a tree fell down. I took a picture so I could show the office to make sure they knew. I waved to the horses and yelled at them happy birthday. I know they aren't thoroughbreds but they deserve a happy birthday still.

When I got back to the office Heather was there. It was so nice to see her. And we talked for a bit about the break and what I had been doing out and about this morning. I told her I was waiting on the next steps for the house and that I didn't want to bother the people but I also want to know what's happening!

I spoke it into existence though because when I sat back at my laptop the appraisal was there! This was a stressful read. It was 25 pages and it was a lot. Going over the whole space. Comparing it to other houses in the area. But the house appraised over what we offered. Which means we should be good?? We need to speak to Harold and make sure we understand it correctly but I am shocked how close it appraised. Since it has been listed originally for so much more.

I was very excited that this came in so I didn't have to be so stressed. And when everyone else came in I was able to share the new news and that was nice.

We all talked about our Christmases and our favorite gifts. We all seemed to buy a gift for ourselves that we liked a lot. Alexi got a really cool drink caddy from her husband though that we all are very jealous of/think is hilarious.

More and more parents were calling and emailing about registering. Camp is about half full and it has barely been a day since registration opened. Crazy. A lot of the calls were about wait-list. Because the y had not set that up and many weeks were already completely full for different ages. I was tasked with answering some question emails. Me and Sarah were sent to go find Joe for some keys and then to go and take some pictures of cabins and bathrooms for a concerned parent.

When we found Joe we were being silly saying how dramatic people are about the rustic bathrooms and cabins. Somehow this got interpreted as the bathroom being a joke and then he thought there was a hole and then it turned out there was a hole in the door! So the miscommunication became but regular communication.

Sarah did the driving of the gator this time. And I remembered my gloves so it wasn't as bad. Still very cold. We had to sweep a little when we got to the cabins so they didn't look messy in the pictures. Everything needs some paint though. It wasn't like beautiful but they were fine.

We went to the pool to take pictures and I enjoyed seeing all the plants that are being stored in there. They are thriving! I'm very happy for them.

We went back to the office and it was lunch time. I texted with James about house stuff. They went for a bike ride and went and got themselves a sandwich and when they got home they sent me some paperwork to pass along. We are such a good team.

I didn't really know what to do myself after I had my lunch. I had one of my Dear America books with me about living on the prairie and it felt a little like research. Like I was learning how someone would live and go to school and what they would learn and so I could kind of justify it as work. Research. Because I had nothing to do and this was could be used as inspo towards programing.

Around 3 Alexi announced that we would have a staff meeting. I let her know I didn't mind staying later. She was convinced we would finish by 4. Absolutely I knew that would not happen. We would finish the meeting at 440.

It was mostly my fault though because I had so much followup and questions and things that I don't think normally happens in the Monday meetings (because I'm not there). But now I have some tasks for tomorrow and that feels good! But I was very much ready to go home. I was losing focus at times and was searching for build a bear clothes on eBay and looking at squishmallow dragons. I am not buying things but it was fun to search for things.

I said goodbye to everyone and went home. The drive home was good too. No traffic again! Amazing. And when I got home I struggled to bring the box inside but I got it in and was very very winded when I said hello to my James.

Just rested my forehead on their chest and wheezed and caught my breath while they told me I would be okay.

They had done all the laundry. And had made us salads for dinner. Still no oven. We are going on a week and a half now. Hopefully we can get someone on the phone tomorrow because it's been a while now. We are making due but I miss pasta.

We would hang out together on the couch and after we ate we read our books. I finished my Dear America and was pleasantly surprised that there wasnt as much tragedy and I didn't cry at all! It was a nice one. I picked another to start tomorrow. Which is actually a different series called "My name is America" which I think are all boys. This one is a boy one and another frontier story. Excellent.

I would spend some time on the couch watching TikToks. Then tried to collect some snails. And then did my knitting for the day. This style is so much quicker it's wild. I think it's looking really nice too. I really hope I did the math right. But thankfully if I need to frog the whole month I will be able to fix it easier and it won't be as much as a nightmare situation.

I took a bath. Used my new vanilla shea butter. And after I was dressed I played with my new hair tool. Which I'm getting better at. Still not perfect but I am trying! Making me feel pretty.

Now we are in bed. And I am ready to sleep. My throat is hurting a little so I'm going to sip some water and get ready for bed.

Tomorrow I hope to have lots to do. And I hope to stop by Manor Mill to see if my final pieces are done. We will see. I hope it's a good day.

Sleep well everyone. Take care of yourselves! Goodnight!

[thoughtfullyrainynightmare]

Chapter 49:  Lucius has returned, and brought upon the declaration of World's End. What will Fuegoleon do? Will he try to convince Solara to go back to Thea so that she'd get to live, at least a little bit longer, or will they stay together, as a family, to withstand whatever may come?

Tag list: @succulentsunrise​ @loosesodamarble

Warnings: This series contains themes and topics some may find uncomfortable, and thus, reader discretion is advised. This chapter has a theme of approaching death, dwells in angst, as well as Solara’s pregnancy. It is a sad, sad chapter okay. 

Length: ~4.5k

Chapter 49: The liar

Fuegoleon ran.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had run like this.

He didn’t think he had been… quite so terrified before. Not… quite, perhaps. Or maybe he had. Back in Spade.

He wasn’t sure, but neither was he about to stop and try to compare the memory of what he had felt, to what he was feeling now. Because in the end it didn’t matter.

What mattered, was that Julius… if that person had been Julius, had come back. And just as they had feared, the kingdom was again at peril. But not just the kingdom. Everything else along with it as well.

Just like a year ago.

But worse.

It felt worse. This time.

The threat wasn’t coming from another plane, but this one. Threat was already on this side, and was ready, almost ready, to bring about the horrors that they had feared. Actually, the threat was ready to bring about horrors that were more than what they had feared.

And that was why he ran. Through the corridors. The hallways. Past doors and corners that he had passed countless times before.

But now, it was all just a haze. His mind didn’t register it. Any of it. There was just the sound of his beating heart, and the taste of iron in his mouth. Because he had to. He had to. Had to. Had to had to hadtohadtohadtohad to! Get to her. To their bedroom. The only thought, and even that was incoherent, was to get to her and their children.

I need to…

His steps must’ve echoed around, but he didn’t hear them. His breathing must’ve been rugged, but he didn’t hear it, not until he reached the door, and stopped.

Stopped.

Hunched over the door with his arms placed on opposite sides of the door frame.

There was a presence of mana on the other side; warm and welcoming. Radiant and fluttering.

But most importantly, the mana, the person, was alive.

His eyelids fell as he swallowed. Calm down…. Calm down… he told himself. You need to be able to talk about this to her. You need to… convince her. You need to…

His train of thought came to a halt as he bit down his molars with the bittersweet thought that was obvious, had been obvious; one statement and wish that he had never imagined to be as painful as it was at that moment. And yet, it was something he still wanted, more than anything else.

…Protect them…

It was, quite simply, that this time, protecting them would involve the hardest thing he would have to do in his life. And it pained him, but it didn’t pain him as much as the thought of what would happen, if he wouldn’t do this, did. He was sure, that it’d be the right… choice. The right choice to make.

Yes. The sensible thing to do. The… smart thing to do.

And more often than not, one needs to choose whether to be happy, or smart about it.

This time, again, as with many things in the course of his life, he’d choose the smart thing to do. And he hated it.

He despised it even. Having to choose the right thing. The smart thing.

Why do the right choices continue to hurt me… He thought, but as soon as he did, there was a memory flashing before his eyes. And then another, and another and another… memories of her taking his hand, holding him close, wearing a white wedding gown… her placing her hands onto the baby bump and just humming that tune of hers that he’d recognize even in the darkest of nights. The right things that don’t involve her… they continue to hurt me… he corrected himself. The one right, and smart, choice I made…

But all the thought, the realization and the memories did, was make the chasm in his chest grow wider and deeper. Because it was a horrid decision he was making.

It is the *right* thing to choose… He squeezed his eyes shut even harder as he was sure he’d shatter his teeth from how hard he was biting them.

Until he didn’t.

Because the choice was made.

And he was alright with it.

He accepted it.

This is my stead… as it should be… he swallowed, and opened his eyes.

This is the right thing to do, and I won’t regret this right decision to make… and just like that, it felt like tension left his body, welcoming in that weightless, hollow feeling; like he was devoid.

Empty.

Alone.

As if a piece of his very soul had vanished from him.

And yet, he was confident, that the decision he had made, was the right one.

So, he straightened his back and opened the door, to see the worried frown of his wife. And it pained him, but not as much as what he was going to say, would. But before he managed to get a word out, barely had time to push the door shut behind him, she was already pacing across the room, to him.

“What is going on? What was that mana?”

And the look, she gave him, told him that she hadn’t quite felt like such before, such presence, and mana. Though, he had to admit that it wasn’t quite… like anything, he was almost certain that it wasn’t quite like anything, he had felt before either. Any of it. The man who called himself as Lucius, instead of Julius, and the nun… who had killed Asta… just like that. None of it was quite like anything he had encountered, even despite the devils.

Not to mention that… this time around, again, he had been helpless, to do anything. Just like in Thea. Just like in Spade. Just like… that day, when his moment of hesitation had cost him an arm, in Clover. All the days in his life when he had been, despite all the magic in him and at his command, unable to do anything.

The first born son of House Vermillion, who was a battle mage, had always been such, and would always be such, couldn’t do a single thing.

Except look his wife in the eye and… tell her. Quiet simply tell her.

“Julius… has returned,” his voice was low, and quiet, as if a shallow grave. “But instead, he calls himself Lucius now,” he supposed it was a good enough explanation for now. “And he’s planning on taking over the world, with magic that isn’t from here.” He could have said ‘forbidden’ or ‘devil’, but he wasn’t sure if either of them was correct alone. Perhaps it was a combination of a lot of things.

“What do you mean ‘take over the world’?”

And he… didn’t know how to reply, what to say. Because… what was there to say? Other than… that it was quite simply what had been stated.

“He has declared himself as a Magic Emperor of the World, where all… ‘defects’ are to be erased.” Another statement, as if coming from a record player instead of from himself.

Was he even there, having that conversation?

Maybe he was somewhere else. Lying in bed, under the covers, and this was nothing more than a bad dream, from which he’d wake up any minute now. He might be sweating, and breathing heavily, but he’d see her, lying next to him, sleeping blissfully, and he’d know that it all was alright.

“I…” she managed, eyes flickering around, studying his expression, if he had one. “How do we move forward? It’s only a plan, so something can be done about it.”

She looked at him, as if pleading. She was waiting for him to confirm what she had just said, or that was how she looked to him, at that moment. And perhaps… no, yes, if it had been anything else, any other situation, he would have agreed. He would have told her that yes, there was something to be done. After all, even the devils from the depths of the Underworld had been kept at bay.

To some extent, at least.

But this… the devils had been nothing more than a prelude to this, and he wasn’t sure if there was stopping it. And if there was stopping it, he couldn’t tell if Clover would survive.

He didn’t know if he would survive.

But it didn’t matter. Not anymore. Not in comparison to whom he wished to survive.

So, he took a step forward, as if still in a dream. In that translucent state where one feels weightless, but not hollow, not like he had felt in the hallway. He was barely aware of his own body, but somehow he was perfectly calm.

There was no rapid beating in his chest. There was no taste of iron, or shortness of breath.

Instead, it felt as if he was walking on a beach. The water didn’t quite reach his feet, and there was no wind. No waves. No sound. Just him as he could almost hear a bell, as if a delicate, faint silver bell ringing in the air.

Almost, but not quite, as he took the last few steps to get to her. The bell, if it ever had been there, had ceased to be, as his senses came back to him. There was again that cold, hollow, devoid weightlessness of his body, and the burning sensation behind his eyes. The near trembling of his hand, which he willed away as much as he could. Because she didn’t need to see it. His fear. His apprehension. If she did, she wouldn’t go, or so he told himself.

No… She will, because she is a good mother…

He placed his hands onto her shoulders and looked her in the eye. There was a lump in his throat, one that refused to, absolutely refused to go down.

How he managed to utter out the words, was beyond him, not that it mattered. How he was able to.

"I need you to go home. And I need you to close the portals, so that no one can pass through," his hand reached to his pocket and onto the pendant he had been holding onto for all this time. Even if not sure why. Perhaps because she had trusted it into his safe keeping, once upon a time.

And as he did, she looked at him. Her head swayed from side to side. Even if only a little. As if to shake it from the disbelief of hearing him speak such words.

"Not even me..." he continued, while placing the pendant, the key to the gates and the portals, onto her hand.

Her eyes shifted between his eyes, and the pendant, back and forth as she tried, oh how she tried to grasp it all.

"You're scaring me," she spoke with a whisper. Realising only after she had done so, that she hadn't only thought about it. But instead, she had said it too.

But all he did was smile to her.

It wasn't a happy smile. But it wasn't exactly a sad smile either. It was a smile that... had made a decision. There was no regret in that smile. It was pained, but in the decision, there was relief too.

It was a smile of a man, who had made up his mind. And had no regrets about it.

"Go home, my love," he repeated. As if it had been so simple. Those treacherously sweet, soft syllables flowed from him with a caress that shouldn't be!

"And what? I'm just supposed to leave you behind?!" She cried, choking on the tears that wanted to roll down her cheeks.

He gave her another smile. And placed his hand onto her stomach.

There was a kick.

And another. Much stronger one.

"We... are going to protect our children," he said.

As if it had been so simple.

As if… it had been all that needed to be said.

She wanted to rage. She wanted to scream and tell him what an awful thing he was suggesting, without speaking it out.

“But we…” she begun, trying to keep the whimper that wanted to escape her, at bay. “We gravitated to each other. We fought for this. We earned this!”

And she was right. She was right, even if they were never supposed to earn it. Because love wasn’t something one needs to earn. It was something one feels. It was something one shows. But it wasn’t something one needed to earn. The chance to be together might have been something that one gains, however, because sometimes the feeling alone isn’t enough.

Love itself, however, was something that one shows.

“We did,” he nodded. “And the time we gained, has been the happiest time of my life,” his other hand took a hold of her hand, his thumb running across the rose gold surface of her ring, tracing the flares on it, trying to imprint them, too, into his mind. “We made something beautiful with it,” his eyes fell to her stomach for a while, just in time to see another kick, as if one of the babies was trying to break free. “I just hoped that I would have been able to see it.”

It was yet another… lovely thing he said. But it pricked her, tried to carve her hollow, without meaning to.

“They need their father,” she managed; her vision having gone blurry. Partly from trying to find a solution that wasn’t there, and partly from the bittersweetly, horridly loving words that left him.

“They need their mother more.”

She had, and he had, never thought about having to have a conversation on who their children might need more. Neither of them had wanted to think, that after everything, this would be the prize at the end of the road. Because it didn’t feel like a prize.

It felt like a slap in the face.

“I am not-!”

“Yes…. You will…” he told her. His tone… it wasn’t quite quiet, but it wasn’t loud either. It tried to be stern, but wavered. Broke. Shattered. Nearly stumbled. Because the longer the conversation went on, the harder it became.

She stopped, and looked at him. Just looked at him.

And she knew, just as well as he knew, that she would, go. She would go. Because of a promise they made; about putting their children first.

She would go.

“I don’t blame you for it…” he continued, as a veil… rose over his eyes, and made his eye glimmer in the light of the room.

But she wanted him to blame her. Be angry at her. For …something. Anything. While knowing that he wouldn’t.

“You’re not supposed to be this… sweet,” she cried, wrapping her arms around him as much as she could.

“I am what I want you to remember me as,” he blinked, looking at the ceiling as he tried to push down the tears into his throat.

She pressed herself harder against him, her fingers digging into his back as the world tried to pry her away from him again.

There was a kick again, which this time hit against Fue. And a part of her wanted to scold the babies; to tell them that they shouldn’t be kicking their father, while another part of her wanted to tell Fue how the children were mad at him too. Mad at him for telling her to leave.

But she couldn’t. She couldn’t be mad at him. She couldn’t hate him.

She was mad at the world. At fate. The very things against which they were supposed to be together. They were supposed to battle the world. Together.

But it seemed that the world had won.

Which… was the stead of mortals. Just like them.

---

Solara sat in her chair, simply trying to-, think. Think about what he was asking of her. Think about what she was going to do, because she knew, and he knew, that she would. She didn’t want to accept that which she was going to do. But… somewhere in the back of her mind, it lingered, existed, tip toed around with a passing whisper. Because it was the right thing.

Fuegoleon’s argument had been… sensible. It was in accordance with the promise they, once upon a time, made to each other. It was what they had agreed upon; and happily done so. Once upon a time.

Once upon a time.

But the time had passed, and what had been a sweet sentiment, a profound testimony of love and devotion to give about standing beside another person and raise a family with them, was now a sick and twisted image of what it had been. The promise had taken a much uglier form.

It was bare boned and wretched in its honesty. A ruthless truth. The way things were. She could barely recognize the promise anymore, barely, but she did. And she knew the right thing to do, even if it existed without a worded thought; one that left her there, sitting, and staring to the depths of the floor before her.

What am I supposed to do?

It was the only conscious, clear question to have flown through Solara’s mind. Even if it made her sick to her stomach, and the tension, she was convinced that it made the children more agitated since they were kicking harder than usually.

Calm down… darlings… mom’s… mom will… keep you safe… Her hands settled onto her own tummy; her thumbs drawing circles onto the surface, as if they could feel the faint touch.

Mom will… keep you safe…

Her jaw was tense, and there was a burning sensation behind her eyes along with a lump in her throat. A lump that she tried to swallow. But… no matter how hard she tried, it refused to go down.

It absolutely refused.

I promised… I *promised* to always stay by his side and… be there in his hour of need and-, spend the rest of my life with him. My life! And this… this… But I-, we… we have to keep our children safe too. We have to! I asked him to promise me that we’d put our children first and now-,

Her train of thought paused as she felt the burning, bitter truth of the situation, of the promises that they had made, and the love they held, not only for each other, but their children, in her throat.

I didn’t expect it to end up this way…

And she hadn’t, she really, truly, hadn’t. Because how does one anticipate, prepare for such a thing while trying to plan for a shared future, with sunshine and happiness. The images, daydreams of soon holding, cradling their children in her arms, as he’d be there, coming back from a meeting, or simply reading a book in the room. The image, in which she was humming a lullaby, and he listened; he listened to her, and the babbling of the infants, with a gentle, proud smile on his lips.

The daydream… felt-, it felt like a lot of things. But it tasted like disappointment. Like an unattainable dream that she had dared to hope for.

Because he had always been there. No matter what dream, daydream or other, she might have had, he had always, always, without exception, been there.

It had been clear as day to her. As natural, as breathing, to her; to imagine him in there right by her side.

And so, she glanced across the room, onto the other chair right next to her. A chair that was empty.

Soon her chair would be empty. It would be cold and left well alone. Like a memory, a memento of her passing if not a corpse of what the chair itself stood for in that room; their bedroom. Two chairs, meant as a pair, while being perfectly functioning chairs on their own, were not a complete set when separated. There was ridiculousness in the thought of the chairs being somehow inadequate if one of them was left unused, as nothing more than an idle piece of furniture in the room.

But all she could do, was stare at the chair and think about how its emptiness screamed of the sorrow that was yet to come. And something in the way it screamed without a sound, that hollow, wordless emptiness, made even death seem like solace, for was she not dying as she sat there. Was this not a slow death of her and him, while her heart continued to beat and lives continued to grow within her.

Was this not just a silent, slow death regardless? One in which she was betraying one of the promises she had always thought to keep, no matter what.

And yet, she had failed.

---

Fuegoleon stared out of window into the warm summer day, but there was bleakness within the bright. As if the warm had been cold, and bright had been grey, not quite dark but grey. And somehow the fact that it was grey made it worse, because, he supposed, he could try to hope and risk it all by not demanding such a thing from her; such a thing as leaving.

He could hope that the bet he would have been making, by having her, and their children, stay, wouldn’t backfire on him. He could hope that they grey clouds would pass during the 7 days they still had left.

He could hope that he wouldn’t need to give up anything in his life.

But it was a gamble he didn’t want to make.

So, instead, he chose to not hope for such an unattainable thing, but still, the fact that he could hope, that he had the option to hope, made it worse. It was as if a tempting whisper lining the walls of the room that echoed through the soundless sobs of his wife. ‘Just have her stay.’ ‘You’re hurting her by doing this.’ ‘Don’t you want to be a good husband?’ ‘If yes, then why are you doing this?’ ‘It’s not all lost, you know?’

The risk is too great, he’d tell the temptation.

‘Greatness of a risk is to be evaluated based on the prize’, the whisper continued. ‘And is not the prize what you both want with all your hearts? The chance to be a family. In sickness and in health, for better, or for worse…’ There was a twisted hiss in the words of the thing that wasn’t there. The quiet desires that existed in him, in that grey, in which a twinkle of hope still lied.

He turned to look at her, seated in her arm chair by the fire place, in which nothing but dust existed. No cinders, no embers, nothing but more grey to be swept away by the wind. And he saw how her head was hanging low, eyes glazed over to look towards his chair; her hand placed on her stomach, onto which her thumb drew circles, as if trying to, perhaps, comfort the little ones.

She is a good mother, he thought as his steps begun to carry him closer to the chair without a sound. Or if there was one, he didn’t hear it. It was as if the air was still again, without both, the sound of the non-existent silver bell, and the tempting whisper.

Numb. He felt numb, as if bitten by frost. He felt tired to his bone with fatigue that he couldn’t sleep off. And he felt alone, as strange as it might have been.

There was now a wall between him and her. A chasm, over which he didn’t want to climb, because if he would, he couldn’t come back.

He knew, that if he was to cross the chasm, he couldn’t let her leave, and that would mean her death. For which reason he preferred the wall to be there, as horrid as it sounded. Because never before would he had thought to wish for such a thing. Anyone claiming such a thing to him, would have earned a thousand years of disapproval from him.

But now, he had to bear his own disapproval, as he crouched down next to her chair, and placed his left hand onto hers. And in the touch, he could feel his wedding band pressing against his skin, as if a reminder. ‘For better or for worse’. The words mocked him.

‘What good is that ring if you can’t stand by what it means?’

I will continue to love her.

‘And that is supposed to excuse it?’

I am not excusing anything. But I will continue to love her, and my ring shall stay as a sign of it.

‘And mark a liar’.

He had no rebuttal. He had no energy to think of one.

He didn’t know if there was a rebuttal to make.

All he could do, was hold her hand, so that she’d know him to be there, while staring blankly ahead of himself, much like her.

“Tell me…” she whispered, the words barely leaving her, as if a breath, one, last, exhale that was given without vigour. “Is there… no chance…?” Her head turned to him, slowly, and with a motion that seemed almost mechanic. But it wasn’t the motion that struck him, it was the look in her eyes, as if hidden behind a veil of green; not a sun in sight.

Had he ever wished to know how she’d look while dead, this would have been it. And… something in him told him that whatever answer he’d give her, she would take.

She would take it, and accept it.

He could breathe life into those eyes again, if he so chose.

But to do so would mean, perhaps, having to watch her die again in a manner that was more permanent, more adamant and final.

It would be final. And that he couldn’t do. For that he wasn’t strong enough.

His eyes fell to the floor for a moment, as his tongue, dry and devoid as a desert, gathered the horrid syllables he didn’t want to utter. The syllables and words that pricked and slices and burned him on their way out.

But the pricking, slicing and burning he thought he deserved.

And somehow, she didn’t seem to notice the hesitation. Because her eyes, once he again met them, were the same; covered behind a thick veil of green, or maybe grey, hazy like pouring autumn rain that left one shivering; as if touched by the hands of death itself.

“There… is not,” he told her.

It was a lie. The last one he’d tell her. One lie too many.

But if a lie would save her, then he would be the dishonest man he had become

[cosettepontmercys]

Hi! I'm glad to hear you're doing better and listening to music you enjoy. The last dinner party is on my list and 23 but Jimmy Eat World is the best song ever. I hope you loved it! I will add the last album to my list too. I was listening to some Grammy nominees this week like Janelle Monae.

Oh that sounds so good. I hope I love it and will try not to compare it to The Night Circus so much lol. I'm sure I will love both! They seem pretty different to me so that makes sense. Maybe I will read part of it this month taking my time with it so that's cool. But idk how much time I will have this month again, but I think things will be settled by next month. There's also the if he had been with me sequel I think out this week! I have not done my reread yet unfortunately though. that was my plan for February and focusing on two books to finish each month but I always read parts of other ones too so we will see.

The musical on Broadway was kinda bad mostly or that's what most people thought. I heard the London cast and show was actually way better but I never watched or listened to it. But Christian Borle was def the best part and I'm not even sure what you were referring to lol. The only song I remember is it must be believed to be seen. I wish Schmicago didn't get cancelled and I would have liked seeing what season 3 ended up as. I just think the show was kinda fun and understood paying respects and parodying musical theater..not unlike what I saw of Crazy exgf. The show was for theater people but didn't have to be only for theater people either to enjoy it. I just read that Hazbin Hotel, the new show, was one of the most watched shows though and I am interested in the show and how it could be a musical lol. I will definitely check it out soon since all the episodes are out now and let you know! I honestly forgot what musical albums were nominated for the Grammys. What ended up winning?

I hope so too! Actually I think the Wiz is here until the end of the month before going to Broadway and unfortunately I won't be able to go. Then next is Mean Girls but I also already saw the movie so idk when I will see a show again! I hope you can see one soon though! I still wanna watch the Waitress proshot too.

I partly agree that Cardigan deserved it for sure but I also enjoy Antihero and thought it could win but it didn't. I am so happy about most of the Grammy wins. Paramore won every award they were nominated for and Billie won for What Was I Made For, but I was sad for Olivia and Noah. I didn't love Taylors dress honestly and preferred the Globes look, but that's not important. I can't believe she made history last night which was only one big shock of the night! Lol I will send all of my thoughts about the brand NEW album in another ask!

hi hi friend!! 🤍 i have to go back and finish listening to the rest of the grammy noms; i had every intention of doing so and then ... just never did. i hope things are more settled for you soon; you'll have to keep me posted on what you think of all the things!

i loved crazy ex-girlfriend when it was airing, but i very rarely find myself going back to relisten to their soundtracks — but i do go back and listen to SMASH's songs all the time! some like it hot ended up winning, which is fine with me — i don't know much about that show, but there was one show in particular i didn't really care for and didn't reallllly want to win haha! tickets for the company tour actually just went on presale here in seattle, and i'm trying to figure out if i want to go or not, which is crazy because i loveeee company and it was one of the only things i was looking forward to last season but now i'm like :/ i do not know if i care enough to go :/ for the prices they're selling tickets at. i might try my hand at lotto, but ...

i also didn't love taylor's look last night! i think her hair + the styling of it all was just ... a little odd. but i haven't really liked a lot of taylor's looks lately :( 🤍

[gabenvrhappened]

TvShowsOr... Heartstopper

Last year, Heartstopper took my heart at full steam. It left me in a trainwreck of happy and sad emotions. It was everything I ever needed, but also it was painful. It definitely molded one of the biggest challenges I ever faced in my life and played a big part in the shift I wanted to make for myself. I was scared for the second season, not because of its quality (I knew Alice would make a good job — although I'm concerned about the fact that Netflix askes her to make this season based on one book, and not two like the first), but because of how I would perceive it. How it would make me feel. Did I want it to be as soul-crushing as the first season was? Did I want it to make me miss something I could never have? Did I want to be the person who still loves teenage TV shows?

I didn't stress out much to find these answers when watching the second season. While last year I had the chance to watch it all in one sitting, which said more about the effect it was having on me than having the time to do it, this time I watched a bit more slowly. Life is busy right now. But whenever I had the chance to sit and watch, a smile was drawn on my face the entire time, and that's how I knew that I was happy watching it. It's funny how I spent years of my life watching straight love movies - like The Fault in Our Stars - and craved for that while manipulating my mind about how love should look like (always in a straight form) and now I have such deep LGBT+ content. It warms my heart. Still, the feeling of "I missed these experiences my whole life" was still there, but not as latent as it used to be.

The thing about this season is that it showed me how love can be. I had this conversation once with my therapist and I couldn't elaborate on what positive sides a relationship can have. I assumed there were some because of songs, movies, and books that followed me my whole life, but when it was time to point them out, I froze. I could only list the negative aspects of it. I took that approach with a friend of mine as well, and she enlightened me with something that made sense last night when I watched the last episode: love can be good. And now I know. I thought I knew it could, but the truth is that I never really, actually knew it.

So, the feeling after everything is peaceful and hopeful, and I'm definitely not as invested as I was last year with the first season. I think part of that was the changes. I read the books and, while they're not my style at all, it bothered me that there were so many new things. I couldn't help but compare it. That's why I decided not to read anything new Alice might put out. I'm also mad they chose "Seven" by Taylor Swift as her song for the season when it obviously should be "Paris," but I loved how they used the Folklore song on the show, so it's all good. Also, it was amazing to hear Gabrielle Aplin and Alfie Templeman on the soundtrack. A blast. Just like season one that introduced me to Waterparks, I'm glad to see these two incredible artists being introduced to more fans. They deserve it.

To conclude, I must say I can't wait to watch everything again. To pause to read the messages and to capture the details I missed on the first view. But mostly, I can't wait to finally find love. It's been so long I've been alive, but I think I'm finally ready to have my heart stopped.

[snippetsearch]

Earlier, around 2:20pm, I almost got ran over. I was walking to university, listening to the new Caroline Polachek album on my headphones. I was near the end of “I Believe”, and was so lost in the song that I didn’t look to the right when I crossed the road— in that moment a car roared past, only inches from hitting me. If I had crossed probably half a second earlier I would have been hit — critically injured, comatose, or dead.

I was okay, though. I wondered if this was supposed to be the kind of near-death moment that changed people’s lives, and took stock to see if it had changed mine. First impression: not really. I wondered if that attitude reflected the idea that 20-somethings think they’re invincible. I continued to walk to school, pretty unphased.

I thought about what would have been the last things I’d done if I had died, and made a little list in my head:

- The day before last, I had visited my parents and aunt. It was a very happy visit, so I decided that it would have been fitting as a final one if I had died.

- That night, I sat in the kitchen and talked with my flatmates, and we compared our fortunes from a Cantonese palm-reading website. We had laughed a lot, cracking jokes about each other’s fates in marriage, love, and careers. It was a really nice conversation, so I decided I was satisfied if it was a final one.

- I had handed in my final dissertation for university yesterday. That night, I had stayed up late to hear the new Polachek album and discussed each track with my best friend. I decided this would be a nice thing to leave as our last discussion: sharing something we were both excited for and enjoyed together. If I had died they would have that album to remember me by.

- That morning, I had taken a walk in the park and got a Diet Coke in the cafe at the top of the hill. It was a sunny and hazy winter day: my favourite kind of weather. I sat there and drew in my sketchbook, sending the drawing to a couple of friends. I was proud of it— it was based on an illustration by Egon Schiele, but I had tried to make it my own. If that was my last drawing I think it was pretty representative. I imagined my friends releasing it after my death, and felt content.

- I’d eaten carrot soup and a wholewheat roll for lunch. That’s a pretty humble last meal, which felt good. It wouldn’t sit right with me if it was a Tesco meal deal or something opulent. The simpler, the better.

- I realised that it was Valentine’s Day. Dying on Valentine’s Day would have been a pretty literary and romantic end, which felt satisfying. 02-14 is also a good sequence of numbers. I think I’d be annoyed if I died on an odd-numbered day of an odd-numbered month. I resolved that years in the future, if I was already on the way out then Valentine’s Day would be a nice date to surrender myself.

Weighing everything up, I realised how content I would have been if that was my final moment. Sure, I had a few loose ends untied and a couple of secrets left lying around, but that’s forgivable and expected. Of course, I had failed to live the rest of my life and had never done all the things that I was about to, planned or unplanned. That’s sad, of course, but I realised how content I was with what I’d done up to then. Likewise, I didn’t want to put my friends and family through any grief at all— I really was mindful of how much it would destroy the people that loved me, but it wasn’t like I was trying to die, though. I was just weighing up the outcomes of a freak accident that I didn’t have control over.

I made a mental note to be more careful when crossing the road, laughed a little at how self absorbed the whole train of thought had been. (Although I think it’s forgivable to spend time thinking about how you’d be remembered in a moment like that.)

I continued the walk to university, enjoying the rest of the album as I walked. At a zebra crossing, I bumped into a friend of mine, and waved at her. When I crossed the street to speak to her, however, I realised that she was ghost-pale and shocked about something. She told me not to walk down the street she had approached from, that someone had been ran over, and that it must have been at high speed because long streaks of blood were covering the street. I gave her a hug to calm her down and made sure she was okay, and then continued my walk, chewing it over. I’m still not sure what to think, but the coincidence feels a little meaningful. I had almost been ran over, and everything was set up for it to have been a good moment to die tragically young. But I had been spared, and someone else was struck— who knows, maybe even by the same driver!

I wasn’t sure what I think about it, so I wrote it all down to try to figure it out. (That’s this writing). I hoped it would reveal an answer from the pattern, but there wasn’t something immediately special I could take from it, only this: I’m sad that person was hit, and despite the fact that it would have been a good ending, I’m glad that I wasn’t. That’s awfully plain, but maybe that’s just because it’s true. Something more poetic would probably be a little deceptive or constructed.

Anyway, I’ll continue with my day. I have some homework to take care of, and this evening I’ll go to a life drawing class with my flatmate. And then I’ll live the rest of my life after that.

[deeahhnuh]

2022!

I've done this year-in-review thing since 2007! 2007-2012 are over on my old LiveJournal, and 2013-on are right here on my Tumblr. :)

I didn't do one of these for 2021, whoops, but that was a weird year for me anyway so let's just get things going again with - 2022! :)

What did you do in 2022 that you’d never done before?

Cut my own bangs! Okay, technically I did try giving myself bangs when I was like 13 or something, but that was a fail. This time, I have to say, they turned out very very nicely imho! I'm still quite shocked I (think I) pulled it off!

---

Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Never make any formal ones, but as usual for the New Year, I want to be sure to be careful and mindful about my health!

---

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Two family friends - they're sisters! - gave birth to sweet baby boys like a month apart! Pure joy. ♥

---

Did anyone close to you die?

No, thank goodness.

---

What countries did you visit?

Ha, I'm quite the homebody - none

---

What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?

I'm hugely grateful for what I do have, but I have to admit I do have some humble ambitions and hopes that I would like to work on making happen in 2023 - or at least get some kind of show on the road! :)

---

What date(s) from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 2022 - I had my last appointment with my psychiatrist of almost 16 years, because he is retiring. I'll remember this date as it's all a bit of an end of an era! No words can ever sum up his incredibly positive influence on my life. So I'm sad, but more than anything, I'm just thankful that I had his care for as long as I did! ♥

---

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I didn't completely botch my bangs lol!

---

What was your biggest failure?

I don't think I made any total goofs this year, yay!

---

Did you suffer illness or injury?

Oh my goodness, I had to get a dang tooth extracted a few days after Thanksgiving! The oral surgeon was a magician or something: I had almost no pain afterward, so my biggest "issue" was just me making sure I followed the recovery instructions to the letter. Which I did, apparently; at the follow-up appointment, he said "I can tell you followed all the steps exactly!" :) Tldr: I'm doing fine now!

---

What was the best thing you bought?

Music. And perfume; but music, man. I need it.

---

Whose behavior merited celebration?

That oral surgeon, for one, lol!

---

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Not so much a behavior, but the perspective that COVID-19 is "over." Couldn't be me.

---

Where did most of your money go?

Music. Perfume.

---

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Holidays and birthdays!

---

What song will always remind you of 2022?

SOOOoooo many. Check out my 2022 list of my iPod (and Spotify) hits on my Spotify!

---

Compared to this time last year (2021), are you:

Better, by at least a bit!

---

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Listen to more new music releases, watch more new shows, see more new movies! There's always so much to discover!

---

What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worry? But I'm so good at it, lol!

---

How did you spend Christmas?

Fam and ham. Two good things that are great together!

---

What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2022?

I don't think I was too much of a doofus this year, tbh!

---

How many one-night stands?

Ha, zero

---

What was your favorite TV program?

The stupid: cartoons (Family Guy and South Park: I have trash taste) and Real Housewives of wherever (and other Bravo fare)

The not stupid: Abbott Elementary, Better Call Saul, The Orville, Shining Vale, Only Murders in the Building, What We Do in the Shadows, The Patient. Also, Space Force. I know it was canceled (boo!), and it was panned a lot, but it was fun!

---

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2022?

Business on top, pajamas on the bottom

---

What kept you sane?

Music. Spotify is a gift and there's so much music to find! (But I do tend to listen to the same stuff all the time lol)

---

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Lol no

---

What was the best book you read in 2022?

Lol I suck, nothing to report (again)

---

What was your greatest musical discovery?

Not really a discovery, because I knew about it already, but I did buy, listen to, and love some old "winter editions" of the Ministry of Sound Addicted to Bass series of releases. A pointless thing to do! But I had a good time.

---

What did you want and get?

Addicted to Bass winter editions! Nah, but for real, I have the things I need and I'm grateful about it! ♥

---

What did you want and not get?

See above! I'm good. :)

---

What was your favorite film of this year?

Watched a lot of great movies this year - see my Scrapbook! But my fave 2022 releases? Elvis was a spectacle and Bullet Train was bombastic fun. New-to-me faves? I've known about Crossing Delancey but hadn't seen the whole movie until this year - it's precious! So is You Can't Take It with You! And Educating Rita is adorable too. Doing a 180 from precious and adorable - Shadow of the Vampire, which is bonkers but kind of a delight. Finally, special shout-out to The Beatles: Get Back. It was incredible to see and I loved it!

---

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Visited with my bro & sis-in-law and parents and had a great time! 36!

---

What three things would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Nah, I'm happy with what I've got. Whatever didn't pan out this year can always come through in the next, or the one after that. :)

---

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I'm reminded of little Mary and Violet in It's a Wonderful Life! Mary says "You like every boy," to which Violet just smiles and replies "What's wrong with that?" That's me, I'm Violet. Anyways, I dug Ringo in Get Back earlier in the year, then I didn't mind the Austin Butler buzz re: Elvis, and wrapped up the year thinking Michael Shannon ain't half bad for some reason. Who knows what next year will bring lol?

---

What political issue stirred you the most?

It's all a mess!

---

Who did you miss?

Family - those we've lost, and those who are simply not near. ♥

---

What is a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022?

As usual - we need hope. We just do. I certainly do! :)

---

What quote can be used to sum up your year?

Lol it's a South Park quote, but hear me out -

Butters: "I love life."

Stan: "Huh? But you just got dumped."

Butters: "Well yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid."

Goth Kid 2: "Yeah."

Stan: "No. No, Butters, that doesn't sound stupid at all."

---

So that was my 2022. Here's to 2023! Happy (early) New Year, Tumblr! :)

[angry-geese]

Sukuna requests. S/o makes fun of him all the time, calls him weak, etc. What nobody knows at the beginning is that s/o is significantly stronger than sukuna

The Definition of Human - Sukuna x Reader

Warnings: some swearing but its pretty tame. mention of death, and violence. Sukuna kind of needs his own warning. sfw. gn!reader.

a/n: as much as i love the idea of sukuna being soft for his human s/o i also love the thought of them being much stronger than him and him having no clue what do to with that

Word Count: 2.1k

You were just a sorcerer when he first met you, barely an adult, cast out by your village.

Someone so powerful hadn't been born for centuries. A sorcerer like you could turn the world of Jujutsu on its head. And that was the last thing they wanted to happen. The older you grew, the more unpredictable you became. You were far too strong for the village elders to handle. While you could have been a powerful ally, you would have been an even worse foe. The very people that had raised you, who taught you how to use your powers had begun to fear you.

Though you weren't trussed up like a sacrifice, you were sat by one of his altars like one.

It was only by chance you stumbled across such a thing. The surrounding woods were vast, and winding. No matter what path you took, you always seemed to wind back up by them. Perhaps it was a work of sorcery, meant to keep you lost in the woods forever. No trail seemed to lead back home. The village elders never expected you to last long on your own against the elements, let alone the King of Curses. But growing exhausted, and hungry, you had little choice but to stop and rest. The altar had offerings in the form of food, and a place to rest. Far more than Sukuna needed. You figured he wouldn't notice if you took a few things.

At the base of an altar sat a much smaller form. A human, one from the local village. Your shoulders were slumped, your arms curled around a bag. You didn't look sad, so much as you looked furious. You were talking to yourself, listing out all the ways you’d flatten each and every structure, how you’d salt the very earth they stood on, how you’d turn the once rich, fertile soil uninhabitable.

For having Sukuna’s interest in mind, he was certainly ready to burn it to the ground. Your village did little to appease the King of Curses. The humans in it were conniving, and rather quick to betray him. The relationship between the two was strained at best. In exchange for offerings in the form of crops, alcohol, and whoever decided to get on the village elders’ bad side, he wouldn't burn your home to the ground.

In a way, you were their last sacrifice to him, and by far his favorite.

As a child your parents had warned you, telling you never to go into the woods alone. A four armed man wandered out there, and he had a habit of making travelers disappear. Now that very same forest you once feared was your only sliver of comfort.

It took you a moment to realize he was standing there. And when you finally noticed him, you didn't look at him with the fear most humans did. There was a curious glint in your eyes. You sized him up, studied him in a way he wasn't used to.

In your hands you held an apple—an old offering—paring it with a knife. You were carving around the bruises. The texture of bruised apples always bothered you.

“It's dangerous to be out here alone, little one,” he said, eyeing you up like prey, “you should know that by now.”

“You’re the least of my worries, old man,” you said, popping a chunk of apple into your mouth.

You were still human. Strong, but human. You needed sleep, and food. If exposed to the elements too long you would freeze, or succumb to heatstroke or thirst.

“Old man?!” He said, clearly offended.

“What? You don't think I’ve heard the stories?” You asked. “You don’t scare me.”

And you were right. Even as he looked you in the eyes, you didn't back down once. You, unlike every other human from your village, weren't scared of him. He found you curious, and interesting. From the very moment your eyes locked with his, he was infatuated.

“I should frighten you,” he warned.

“You don't,” you said, “in fact, I think I could kick your ass!”

Expecting it to be an easy fight, he took your offer.

What resulted was a fight that would last days. Sukuna had never met anyone who could last so long against him. Let alone a human. Your strength was only rivaled by your unwavering rage. You were determined in a way he’d never seen before. Your village, along with half of the surrounding forest would be razed in the battle.

They had to have seen this coming. The child that is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel it's warmth.

And it's warmth you felt.

You couldn't imagine yourself being sad. You were too filled with anger and betrayal. There was no room left in your heart for sadness.

He remembers the look of the fires, and how they glinted in your eyes. He thinks that's when you began to turn into a curse.

After the third day, he had grown not only bored, but tired. It was clear neither of you were capable of destroying the other. He figured you were too tough to eat; you wouldn't make good meat. Uraume couldn't do a whole lot with you. And you were too combative to be a concubine. You would not go with him willingly. He's not one to give up, nor is he one to admit defeat, but he knows when he's not going to win. The two of you would mutually destroy the world before you would destroy each other. There was no end in sight. Sukuna simply wanted to leave.

So he simply headed for home.

That enraged you. After days of fighting, there was no climatic end to the battle. You wanted something more.

"Hey asshole!" You said. "You can't just walk away!"

"I know when I've met my match." He said. "Do you?"

"The hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means this world will burn before we destroy each other."

The two of you were quite literally a match made in hell. You would be a powerful ally and an even worse foe. There was no point in fighting you.

He did nothing to stop you when you followed him.

You were more of a nuisance than anything else. He often found himself comparing you to a cockroach. No matter how many times he tried to squash, poison, or starve out you always came back. If he couldn't kill you, then he had to have you on his side. You weren't something to be deceived, betrayed, injured, or killed. You were stronger than that. You were sharp, too, with a tongue to match. Whether harsh words he threw your way, you returned in double. It was rare he found a human with quite a tongue on them. He often remarked about having it nailed to his door. You simply pointed at his servants and dared them to try it.

They never did. Anyone who dared harm you often met a gruesome fate, either at his hands, or yours.

He didn't consider himself capable of falling in love. And he isn't. To some extent. But love is what he felt. You were the closest to an equal the King of Curses had ever met. In many ways you surpassed him, but those who admitted it often met a swift death.

He moved onto the next village. So did you. Word had not yet spread of what happened. People knew of the fires, but not of the deaths, and your connection to them. You settled down, taking up work with the local shamans. Though you were a newcomer, your help was gladly accepted when Sukuna first showed up, demanding offerings.

In the beginning you tried to warn them. That didn't help. They never listened. It always ended the same way; with a razed village and a bunch of needless deaths.

Sukuna would visit. Often in the late hours of the night as you were trying to get some sleep. He did little more than steal your food, and make himself far too comfortable. Of course that's how most of your meetings went.

He's not sure when he fell for you. But it was something that happened all at once. After years of a back and forth between you two, something gave. You took a place right by his side. He found himself no longer taking concubines, no longer indulging in the sacrifices presented to him. He found himself consumed with the thought of you. He had to have you.

“I can't believe you’re all out of sake,” he said, one night while visiting.

“I wonder who’s fault that is,” you said.

He cast you a glare from across the room. You'd have to buy more in the morning anyway. But all the good stuff has been put up as an offering, and the only sake left in the market is watered down, and worth nothing to you. You don't drink the stuff all that much anyway, you just used it for cooking.

“I question why I keep you alive,” he said.

“I think if you could even kill me,” you said, “you would have by now. Someone as weak as you doesn't stand a chance.”

He didn't like this, and hauled you into his arms, carrying you away from your cooking.

“No!” You squealed, too busy giggling to put up much of a fight. “The rice is going to overcook!”

Sukuna couldn't care less about the rice. He tossed you rather carelessly onto your shared bed, caging you in his arms. The kiss he pulled you into was fleeting, and soft, like he was almost afraid to touch you.

When the village elders first discovered these meetings, it didn't take them long to exile you. The very people that had welcomed you had ignored your warnings and betrayed you. You had gone from respected, and even loved, to feared in an instant.

At some point you stopped trying to warn them. If you really wanted to, you could stop him. Delay him at best. Give people time to run. At least someone would survive. But after a while, you began to think some of them deserved it. The sacrifices they provided were never enough when Sukuna grew tired of toying with them. It was just you and him. Two constant presences in each other's life. You grew used to his company. Enjoyed it, even. You’d never tell him that. Mostly because you didn't want to inflate his ego even more. You were as much his as he was yours.

At some point you became more curse than human.

You could breathe, your lungs would fill with air, but the action provided no relief. You no longer felt the need to eat, and often found yourself forgetting to do so. Food turned to ash in your mouth. The enjoyment of eating was long since lost to you. You're alive, but you're not. Your heart beats but the blood that courses through your veins is not quite right. Your memories of yourself when you were younger fade. But the anger. That fear, that anger, cast into the past, is the only humanity left in you.

You found yourself falling asleep next to him, and in turn waking up next to him. Sometimes in his arms, sometimes on the other side of the bed. He found himself opening his arms for you to climb into. You would do so, albeit reluctantly.

You were his partner. You were a nuisance, but you were his partner.

"Am I dead?" You asked, one morning in the fall. You think it was fall. You remember the leaves turning yellow and orange, but it wasn't cold enough to be winter.

"I haven't killed you yet, so no." He said. "Why?"

"Because I woke up and saw your face, and thought I had finally gone to hell." You said.

His mouth opened, but no words came out. An offended sounding huff left him. He rolled over onto you, pinning you to the sheets. His knees planted on either side of your body, his hands found your wrists. It’d take no effort from you to throw him off. But you didn't. You never did.

“You’re not in hell yet,” he said.

“I'd beg to differ,”

“Then beg,”

“Make me!”

He attacked your neck with wet, open mouth kisses, sending you into a giggling fit. Your skin was warm under his lips. You were always so warm. You were flushed from your chest to your forehead, blush dusting the tips of your ears and your nose. Your arms wrapped around your neck, pulling him flush to your chest. Your heartbeat was audible, racing as he pressed his ear to your chest.

“Stay in bed a little longer,” he said. He was pleading more than he was asking. And you weren't able to find it in you to refuse.

It wasn't entirely awful having someone stronger than him.

[chateautae]

maybe i do | kth. II

➵ summary :  maybe you love each other, maybe you don’t. when a deal between your fathers leaves you forcefully wedding kim taehyung, arguably seoul’s most powerful CEO, you’re prepared for a loveless marriage of eternal regret and unhappiness. but maybe, it doesn’t turn out that way after all.

↳  part of the high-class series!

➵ pairing : taehyung x reader

➵ genre :  arranged marriage!au, ceo!tae, s2l!au, eventual smut, fluff, angst

➵ rating : 18+

➵ word count : 10k

➵ warnings : none really, swearing, mainly fluffy and funny interactions, some angst! :o 

➵ a/n: and i’m back with chapter two! i really wanted to say thank you for the love and support i received on the first part of maybe i do, it was astounding!! i’m so grateful so many people loved the story and asked to be tagged (all at the bottom <3), it made me feel so motivated to write. if you would also like to be tagged please message me. your feedback is always appreciated! 

chapter two : “on my pillow, can’t get me tired” 

prev. ↞ || ↠ next  || masterlist

Taehyung didn’t remember sleeping anywhere near you last night. 

He remembered that even though you willingly agreed to share the same bed, he still opted for caution and slept with the most space between you two as possible.

Though when his eyes fluttered open the next morning, eyeballs burning from the light that bled into the suite, the first thing he realized was that he was not on his side of the bed from last night. 

No, he had somehow gravitated towards the center, and as if almost on cue, your slight movement and the sound of your breathing alerted him of your nearby presence. 

Peering down at you, Taehyung caught sight of your sleepy head turned towards him and lying on his arm, his other thrown over your torso with you unsuspectingly nuzzled into his side.

Taehyung’s eyes shot open, acknowledging he had succumbed to his habit of hugging something to sleep during the course of the night and he internally panicked. He began retracting his arms slowly, just about drawing himself from you until alarms rang in his head at the sight of you stirring in your sleep. 

Taehyung took the golden opportunity to sit up in a flash, having to physically shake his head to rid the image of your tranquil, sleeping face from his brain, crushing the thought that it was kind of cute.

He found himself chanting the same denial from last night, he couldn’t be thinking of such complicated things concerning you when he knew the second he’d step foot inside his home, there’d be a mountain of paperwork ready for him; even more on his work desk.

He had to be thinking about his job, not you.  

Even if Taehyung was married now, it wouldn’t lessen the amount of work that plagued his life nor make it any less demanding. If anything, his life would be harder now considering the fact that he had another priority to add to his list, another aspect of his life he had to split his attention between. 

He didn’t necessarily hate the idea, just found himself needing to work harder than he already was. 

Taehyung sighed heavily at the thought and swung his legs off the bed, rubbing his tired eyes. He took a moment to look back at you, thinking if he observed you a second time he’d be able to piece together how the hell you two ended up in that position, that close. 

By evidence of the forgotten blanket half-thrown off you, he could see you were the tossing-and-turning type, maybe the only explanation for your proximity considering he was the same. 

He also noticed you slept all curled up, like you were cold and the only warmth you knew was snuggling yourself.

Cute.

There it was again, cute. 

Why does that word even exist? 

Taehyung discarded the notion altogether and stood to his feet, stretching out his stiff muscles. He made for the bathroom eagerly to begin his day, though not without fixing at least some of the blanket back onto you. 

“You don’t have a driver?” 

“Not for everywhere I go. I have two hands, I can drive myself.” Taehyung made it a statement to jazz hands at you, showcasing the perfectly capable limbs he was gifted with.

“That’s.. nice, actually. I always see asshole CEO’s getting other people to drive them around.” You relayed as you trailed behind Taehyung, letting him lead you towards the front of the hotel where dozens of expensive cars lined the curb side.

You had no clue which luxury vehicle belonged to Taehyung because quite frankly, he could probably afford every car your eyes caught sight of. It wasn’t until he approached a certain one and retrieved his keys from the valet that your jaw completely dropped, floored.

“This is your car?” You gawked, the sleek design, crispness of its shape and nearly sparkling gloss completely sweeping you off your feet.

“Yeah, think someone like me can’t get a car like this?” Taehyung cocked an eyebrow, gesturing towards himself.   

“It’s just-wow. Mercedes CLS?” You inquired without really looking at him, inspecting the car instead as you admired its every curve. Safe to say, you were beyond in love with it. Even if you were always more of a minimalist and preferred the average product, there was just something gorgeous about luxury cars that appealed to you.

“Yeah, actually it is.” Taehyung looked at you impressed, momentarily reminded of just how different you were compared to any other woman he’s chanced upon. 

How many of them knew car models?

Taehyung was intrigued by the fact before speaking with one of the hotel workers, confirming if they had loaded his car with both your luggage and some wedding sentiments your parents insisted you keep. 

Once receiving affirmation Taehyung made towards your side of the car and pulled the door open. He flashed you a tight-lipped smile as he gestured for you to hop in, drawing you out of your stupor. You thanked him warmly before sliding into your seat. 

He let you scramble in comfortably before shutting the door and walking to his side, positioning himself in and clicking on his seatbelt. He watched as your expression lit up once occupying the car, face beaming with excitement as you touched and drank in at the high-end features the vehicle had to offer. Taehyung found himself smiling before he licked his lips and straightened his face, igniting the engine and beginning the smooth drive. 

It was easy to settle the debate on where you both would be living. Taehyung was an enormously rich CEO who lived in an expensive, massive home while you lived in a measly apartment. You knew it was useless to live separately, even more useless to have him live with you. And so you agreed without protest to pack your things and relocate, begin your move into the house you’d share with him for a lifetime. 

The car ride remained quite silent, you mindlessly bopping your head to whatever mainstream song played on the radio, while Taehyung tapped his fingers against the steering wheel or his lap. 

You found your eyes wandering to his slender fingers wrapped around the wheel every so often, sometimes venturing to the other one he placed against his thigh. You began reprimanding yourself once you realized with all the staring, observing and ogling, you most certainly had a thing for his hands already. 

Fuck. 

They were just so big, bigger than what you’ve seen of the average man and it didn’t help that they looked crafted to perfection. 

There was just something about the veins that decorated them, his palm large in size as his fingers seemed deft turning and working the steering wheel. His little accessories like a ring or two, bracelets and his watch did absolutely nothing to deter your interest either.

It only increased once you realized he looked good driving, really good. You knew men had this common attractiveness to them when they drove, watching them all focused and effortlessly working the car somehow sexy; but watching Taehyung drive was another experience entirely. 

He looked insanely hot, and you felt like throwing yourself out your window for even thinking such a thing. It was another case of you ogling him without realizing until his deep voice suddenly fished you out of your thoughts, questioning. “Did you like the wedding?” 

“Huh?” 

“The wedding, did you like it?” Taehyung repeated, glancing at you. 

“Does it really matter if I did?” You asked, this one phrase seeming to perfectly sum up the misfortune of your life, provoking an ironic laugh even. 

“I think it does. A bride should always enjoy her wedding.” 

“Well, I didn’t.” You deadpanned, your expression turning frustrated having to remember that one of, if not the most special night of your life had just been robbed of you, thrown to the wolves while you were only left to accept the sad fact. 

“C’mon, you didn’t enjoy a single thing?” Taehyung didn’t mean to flash back to the kiss you two shared, though found himself doing exactly so. 

You didn’t enjoy that? he questioned in his head. 

“Not really, I just imagined having more choice in the wedding.” You answered honestly, trying not to sulk so much. “It’s not you, I just... thought I’d be able to decide things at my own wedding. I’m grateful your parents did so much, but I didn’t really get to choose anything.” You grew more solemn as your gaze fixated on nothing, watching the world pass you by through the car window. 

“My favourite flowers weren’t even there.” You said only despondently to yourself, shoulders drooping, though Taehyung didn’t miss it. 

“You don’t like roses?”

Your eyes flashed towards him with furrowed eyebrows, surprised he heard your comment. You straightened up before shrugging back a response. “I like peonies.” 

Taehyung looked at your side profile as you turned away, finding the conversation turning more sorrowful than he liked. He allowed some silence to linger as you leaned your chin against your palm, boringly watching the bustling streets.  

He decided to change the subject.

“So you don’t think I’m an asshole, huh?” 

“What?”

“You said you always see ‘asshole CEO’s’ getting people to drive them around. But I don’t, so I’m not an asshole to you?” Taehyung halved his attention between you and the road, glancing in your direction with one hand working the steering wheel.

You thought the question over, “No, you’re not an asshole.” You said simply, distracted by the thoughts that previously occupied your mind. 

“I see.” Taehyung pursed his lips. Another beat of silence passed through the downcast air before Taehyung perked up again.

“Is it just the driving? Or do you have other criteria?” Taehyung asked inquisitively, leaning back into his seat as he observed you. 

You could detect from the corner of your eyes the way his stance drew attention to his legs, thighs broad as he sat. “I guess there is.” 

“Like what?”

You didn’t really know why Taehyung was so curious. You thought it was common knowledge what the stereotypical asshole CEO was like; they were nearly all jerks with horrible one-percenter mentalities and treated people like gravel.  

You scoffed a bit. “They’re usually so full of themselves. They act like they own the place all the time, which makes sense at their own companies but not everywhere else. It’s like the position gets to their heads. Even the way they talk is condescending, belittling, or straight up rude to anyone not on their level. It wouldn’t kill to be nice.” You revealed almost too eagerly, avoiding eye contact with Taehyung as you viewed the traffic on the road ahead, remembering he was a CEO himself. 

Long story short, you’ve had your fair share of experiences meeting them as you grew up during the beginnings of your father’s company. They were quick to skew your opinion ever since you watched the way they treated your father all due to having a start-up, for simply being small in name or reputation. They acted like he was less than, some even daring to behave as though his company would simply never make it. 

It always boiled your blood, left an extremely distasteful image of CEOs and the business world in your head. 

And you were certain it all sucked after that. 

“Understandable.” Taehyung nodded agreeably. “But you think I don’t fit any of that?” He rested a hand against his thigh, sitting laxed as he spread his legs apart further. This time it was definitely hard to miss the way they appeared, all laid out and long as your eyes drank him in, following up his thighs all the way to his-

“You don’t. I thought maybe since you’re super successful you’d be full of yourself. But you’re not, really.” You snapped yourself out of whatever the hell you were doing, trying to refocus on the conversation.

“Ah, seems like a stepping stone.” 

“Stepping stone? Towards what?”

“Towards you not hating me.” His voice came out with a more solemn timbre than you expected, his jaw tightening for a mere second. 

Taehyung only thought such a thing because even if he decided you didn’t harbour negative feelings towards him, there was no way of him determining whether that was true or not without your real input. 

“I don’t hate you, Taehyung. I don’t.. think I can.” You claimed with poignancy, his statement causing you to reflect on your own feelings about him. 

You don’t hate Taehyung, you couldn’t because he did absolutely nothing wrong in this situation. He was dragged in just like you were. You only despised the unfairness of the arrangement, not him. 

There wasn’t much to hate about him.  

“So you’re saying you like me then, aren’t you?” Taehyung suddenly teased light-heartedly, all smug as his amused eyes flickered to you. 

“Shut up, I never said that.” You turned away, scandalized by his remark. 

“I’m kidding. But, why do you think you can’t hate me? I pretty much.. ruined your life.” Taehyung internally felt his chest tighten at the words, remembering the exact thoughts from where he stood no less than 24 hours ago, seconds from lawfully marrying you. 

“And I didn’t ruin yours?” This time you turned your gaze towards Taehyung, meaningfully. Your eyes instinctively communicated your emotions as they locked with his for a moment, Taehyung all attentive. 

“I took away from you just as much you took away from me. We both ruined each other’s lives, there’s no use in blaming each other. That’s why I can’t hate you.” You finalized, crossing your arms and opting to watch the passing buildings through your window again. 

Taehyung absorbed your sudden confession with reason, realizing that in a sense, you two were partners in this unfortunate case. Even if your matrimony constituted a forced partnership neither of you liked, there seemed to be a natural comradery in having to deal with the aftermath of that forced partnership. 

Trying to accept it. 

“I don’t think I can hate you, either.” Taehyung admitted, ending the more miserable part of the conversation as you fell silent. You thought he was done until he decided to bother you again. 

“I think you’re still saying you like me, though.” 

You turned to him half-appalled before pointing towards the road, eyes narrowed. “Just drive us home, will you?” 

Taehyung laughed at the moment and pressed down on the accelerator, internally grinning at the fact you never said no to his statement. 

“This is your house?” You found yourself gawking again at something that belonged to Taehyung, stepping inside a luxury home you’ve only ever dreamed of living in. Sure, you lived with your parents until you were 18, though your father was still starting out with his company for most of those years, not exactly owning anything too luxurious until after you permanently moved out.

So as you stood trying to prop your heels off yourself, your jaw dropped at the sheer elegance and high-status look to the interior of Taehyung’s home. You had already done enough gawking at the exterior, but being inside and processing the fact that you were now to inhabit this home for the rest of your life sent another wave of shock. 

You immediately observed Taehyung was the type who decorated his home with only the finest, his taste easily identifiable. Aesthetic, lavish, charming. He seemed like a man of utter simplicity though his home said otherwise, showcasing an artistic, exquisite feel you never really expected from him. 

“When will you stop saying that?” He titled his head and smiled through a laugh, removing his shoes and slipping into his indoor slippers. 

“Right, sorry.” You were still struggling for normalcy, somehow forgetting almost every hour Taehyung’s wealth and only registering it once you saw something that indicated it. 

Taehyung sauntered inside and took a deep breath, enjoying the feel of his abode. He enjoyed nothing more than being home, in the comfort of his own space. Especially for someone who worked so busily, he found pleasure in doing the bare minimum at home. Relishing in the feeling right now, he pressed his lips together in a smile before glancing back at your struggling figure, catching sight of your size. 

His eyebrows shot up to the sky. “Woah, you’re short.” 

“Huh?” 

“I think I’ve only ever seen you in heels.” Taehyung informed. “Now that you’re not wearing them you’re a lot shorter than I thought. You’re tiny.” He pointed out as he eyed you from head to toe, processing the amount of height you lost simply from removing your shoes. 

“I mean, that’s kind of what heels do, you know, they add height.” You deadpanned, stating the obvious for him. 

“Sorry, it’s just..” Kind of cute, he thought, though fought for another response. “I could probably throw you.” 

Nice save. 

“Excuse me? It’s not my fault you’re so tall.” You scowled at him. “Besides, you’re all height and no muscle, you probably can’t even carry me.” 

“Wanna see me try?” Taehyung was already coming towards you with his arms held out and you sputtered immediately, “No, no, no.” you held your hands up defensively. “Let’s just start the house tour, yeah?” you offered a smile for compromise. 

“That’s what I thought.” Taehyung narrowed his eyes coyly and turned on his heel, signaling you to follow him. 

What you realized strolling through the home as Taehyung discussed its details was that it emphatically represented him like an open book. Even if Taehyung was predominantly unreadable and seemed to always hide a mystery behind his eyes, you could see nearly all of him reflected in his home. 

You often found valuable trinkets or sentiments scattered around the house. It seemed like he cherished a lot of things in his life, namely memories or people. It would also be hard to miss the exquisite selection of paintings and embellishments he draped the walls with, all harbouring their own charm and adding to the overall artistic feel of his home. 

There were famous works consisting of Vincent Van Gogh all the way to local Korean artists you’ve never heard of, though admired their work. 

It seemed as though he selected the paintings himself. 

Another large aspect you couldn’t miss were the many photos he kept, calling to question whether they were of his own work. 

“Did you take these?” You approached a shelf in one of his grand hallways on the second floor, hand brushing the wooden frame of a captured photo; six men including Taehyung himself posing comfortably, like they were extremely close, backdrop reflecting what seemed to be a trip.  

“I took all of them.” He stated casually, hands tucked into his pockets as he eyed the shelf along with you. 

“All?” 

He simply nodded and didn’t elaborate further as he watched you admire the photos, yourself impressed by his adeptness for photography. 

“You’re really good.” You complimented absentmindedly, enjoying the other photos of not only people but scenery, empty streets, candid shots from what looked to be his own little adventures. 

“Thanks.” Was all Taehyung could manage, trying to mask the sheer gratitude he felt hearing the first ever person to admire his work; something that wasn’t related to being a CEO or a businessman. 

He also felt slightly embarrassed you’d seen a small part of him he usually hid.

Taehyung continued walking down the hallway until he reached the end, revealing what you could tell was the largest room in the house. You were thrown off by just how unnecessarily large it was. It seriously reminded you of an extravagant hotel suite, more like the grandest one among them. 

“This is our room.” Taehyung introduced, gesturing towards its interior. 

“Our?” 

Taehyung nodded “I should’ve told you earlier but I wanted us to sleep in the same room. If we slept apart our marriage wouldn’t look convincing to my two housekeepers. I trust them but I don’t want any information about us getting out to the public, not over my dead body.” Taehyung stated in earnest as he relayed the information, wandering further into the room. 

“You really care that much about publicity?” you genuinely questioned. 

Taehyung scoffed. “Not me, I couldn’t care less about what people think.” He denied instantly, almost laughably. “It’s my father. He hates bad press, especially concerning our family or the company.” 

“I thought bad press is still press, so it’s good.” You suggested as you followed him further into the room, admiring that though large, his room held a sense of comfort to it. Quite frankly, all of his home felt rather welcoming and cozy, surprising of a CEO who ran such a monstrously successful company.

“My father doesn’t think so. Kim Enterprises has always been generational, each of our CEO positions strictly kept within the family. Our name is our brand and pride, it alone accounts for at least half of our success. We’re extremely well-known for our high status, it’s just plain fact in the upper social circles of Korea. We can’t afford to taint our name with petty things like bad press or corruption, our reputation is too valuable.” Taehyung stated this all nonchalantly as he adjusted his suit jacket in his mirror, like it was something he’s grown accustomed to and has known all his life. 

You found your opinion impeding his words.  

“So you can never just, escape this life? As long as you’re a Kim you’re bound to this company?” You found the concept wildly restrictive, clearly shackling down any person that would run the business and you felt a disagreeing shiver shoot through your spine. 

“Of course, why would you want anything else?” Taehyung tiled his head to the side, eyeing you in genuine questioning and your entire being was trying to bite back the desire to correct him, tell him there’s so much more to life than just some company your family owns. Though you opted for changing the subject instead, unwilling to step on his toes and dictate his life when you knew next to nothing about it. 

It wasn’t your place. 

“Woah, you have a balcony?!” You exclaimed with a simper, eyes flickering towards the curtains that revealed two ajar French doors leading to an open space.

You made towards it excitedly and stopped just in the middle of the platform, enjoying the breeze of the fresh air.

“It’s my favourite part of the house.” You didn’t even realize Taehyung followed you until his towering figure stood directly behind you, feeling his proximity permeate through your body. 

You swallowed. 

“Why don’t you look at the view?” Taehyung cocked his head towards the railing of the balcony, though you didn’t move a step. 

You weren’t about to tell Taehyung you’re terribly afraid of heights.

“I-I can see from here. Wow, looks beautiful.” You perked up superficially, trying to throw him off and changing the subject again. “By the way, what’s our closet situation gonna look like?” 

“Ah, let me show you.” Taehyung strided back into the room towards the sliding double doors you spotted earlier. He almost theatrically glided both dark wooden panels open and your jaw dropped for the 47th time today. 

You were welcomed by a ridiculously large walk-in closet, enough to be renovated into its own bedroom. You simply couldn’t normalize its size, especially after registering every suit, tie, watch or accessory Taehyung stored in the gracious space. 

You couldn’t even begin to imagine how much money lied in here. 

“Oh my God.” Was all you could manage, meandering in sparingly as you viewed each and every expensive piece he owned in the room, no doubt of the highest quality designers, finest of men’s fashion. 

“You don’t have to worry about unpacking and moving in here, the housekeepers will do that for you.” Taehyung watched as you looked upon in awe, finding the way your eyes sparkled with emotion very similar to that of Bambi’s.  

“How will I fit-”

“I specifically made space for you, there’s enough.” Taehyung stated, leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed. He’d resolved a while ago he really would try to take this marriage seriously, victoriously achieve the work-life balance his father kept preaching. 

He saw giving up his closet space as the first step. 

It was indeed so because Taehyung thoroughly enjoyed fashion. He genuinely adored every suit, accessory and outfit in his collection, though if he wanted to reach this new goal of balance, successfully add you to his list of priorities, then he had to be willing to cut down. 

Even if that meant reallocating a third of his exorbitant wardrobe just for you, he’d try not to mind. 

“Are you sure? I could just use another room’s-” 

“I want to.” Taehyung finalized as his eyes turned unreadable from across the room, locking his gaze with yours and you were only left to look back impressed, his generosity unforeseen. 

“Thank you.” You voiced a little weak, still shy by the suffocating nature of his stare. 

“Don’t mention it.” He offered plainly, propping himself off the wall. He looked off to the side eyeing the empty pockets of space he left for you, until your voice called out to him.  

“Taehyung.”

“Hm?” He snapped his vision back to you. 

You wanted to ask him something, more so a favour and you were unsure how to word the request. “Um.. I didn’t want to ask so openly, but..” You found yourself beating around the bush, timid of what his response would be. 

“Go on.” 

“Um, so it seemed like there were a lot of empty rooms in this house, and I was just wondering if I could maybe.. transform one of them into an art studio for myself?” You winced at your own request. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just I had one at my old place and it really grew on me. I would get most of my work done in that room and gained a lot of inspiration from it. I have a lot of art supplies and designed often in that studio, so I need a home for all my supplies and it would suck getting rid of it all. I’m sorry it means I would have to steal one of your rooms in the house, if you don’t want me to then-” 

Taehyung couldn’t help but break out into a small grin as he watched you ramble on, shyly fidget with your fingers, so apprehensive of asking him for something and it reminded him why he was so eager to provide you with anything you wanted. 

You spent too long trying to do everything on your own, achieve everything on your own, relying solely on yourself. Taehyung could see this all as plain as day, quite enjoying of how he’s never really met someone like you, and wanted you to know you didn’t always have to be so independent.  

Especially with him. 

“Y/N.” He called out to you with the same honey-coloured tone from last night, stopping you. Your eyes flickered to his, awaiting his next sentence and Taehyung already found himself having a thing for your doe-eyes. 

Fuck. 

“Of course you can have a room. You can have anything in this house. It’s yours.” Taehyung stated with a degree of assurance, his eyes locking with yours in earnest. 

You both shared a look as your lips curved into a gracious smile, biting your lip to contain it. His stare wasn’t so much intimidating as it was merely.. calm. Gazing at you for the sole purpose of gazing, and you found some heat rushing to your face under his scrutiny. 

Taehyung seemed to realize he was staring and immediately cleared his throat, turning a little nervous as he began another conversation. “So um, I’m sorry to say this,” he began with unease, almost apprehensive and you didn’t know what he was so sorry about. “But I have work today.” 

You blinked. “What?” 

Taehyung internally winced at your reaction, hands finding his pockets. “I took some time off for the wedding, so now I have twice the amount of work left behind. I need to complete it.” He informed straightforwardly. 

“Our wedding was just yesterday, though, aren’t you tired?” You were only taken aback because you were slightly concerned for his wellbeing, wasn’t he tired from yesterday? You recalled him knocking out almost immediately upon hitting the pillow of your hotel bed last night, snoozing away. 

“Maybe, but I can’t afford to rest. I’ll only have more to complete if I do, so I won’t be spending anymore time with you today.” Taehyung relayed the information, readying himself for the even greater disappointing news he’d be passing on. 

“Actually, we won’t be able to go on our honeymoon, either.” Taehyung thought it was best to slip in all the bad news, growing more and more unrelaxed as he was unsure of how you’d react. 

Though what you said next had him nearly floored.

“Honeymoon? Taehyung, that’s the least of my concerns, you should at least rest a day before getting back to work. That’s not really healthy.” You chastised him as lightly as possible, still afraid to be stepping on his toes when you didn’t know his life. 

Taehyung was certain you’d hate having been stripped of a beautiful vacation where you could’ve relaxed in the sun and tropics of Cancun. Your father had mentioned to him you’ve always longed to visit the breath-taking city in Mexico, its clear waters and tropical air as a means to truly get away from your stifling life. 

So when he found you disregarding the trip altogether and instead focusing on him, more precisely his health, he was left damn well speechless. 

There you were again paying attention to the littlest things about him he didn’t care much for; he still had that bandage you offered him a month ago tucked into one of his pockets, not wanting to use the adhesive just yet. 

“I’ll be fine. I’m just sorry we can’t go on the vacation because of me, it would’ve been nice, you know?” Taehyung apologized, feeling genuinely guilty for having ruined the honeymoon. Even if you two weren’t going to travel as some lovey-dovey couple, you both simply could’ve enjoyed the time off.

“It’s okay, just, at least work from home today. Heading to the office would be too much.” You suggested for the sake of the fatigue you could discern on him. 

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m gonna be home for the next few days since everyone thinks we’ll be on our honeymoon.” 

“Oh. That’s.. good.” You nodded faintly, half at the idea you two were even faking your honeymoon and half at the blasphemous energy he had to work after yesterday. 

The sleep from last night was nearly not enough to recharge from the antics of the wedding, having drained your batteries for the next few days. You were certain his were drained too; he was half the damn couple. 

“I should get going. I’ll send Mrs. Choi and Seo up with your things. They’re probably finished with lunch too, you should eat.” Taehyung advised as he stepped out of the walk-in closet, running a hand through his gorgeous hair and you couldn’t help but ogle at the sexy way his strands fell back on him. 

“Okay.” You voiced as you followed him out, watching him near the room’s door and just about to vacate the premise before you spoke up. “Taehyung.” 

He stopped in his tracks, peering back at you. “Yes?” 

“You should eat something, too.”

Taehyung half-smiled at you with a nod “Sure”, before stepping out of the room, leaving you alone. 

And you couldn’t help but kind of like the way he smiles. 

It was well into the evening now, bordering dinner time as you helped the last of your clothes into Taehyung’s closet, refusing to let the older housekeepers do all the work by themselves considering it was your own luggage. 

You also tried to occupy Taehyung’s room as scarcely as you could with your belongings, feeling odd about suddenly moving in with all your might and changing things around. It just didn’t feel appropriate, like you were invading his space and so you opted for scattering only your necessary items.

“That should be the last of it, Mrs. Choi.” You retrieved your last piece of clothing from the rather soft-spoken housekeeper, tucking the blazer away among the rest. You were satisfied to see not only your wardrobe neatly organized now, but fit just about right with Taehyung’s things. 

He was right about space, there was enough.

“Mrs. Kim, please rest. You didn't have to move a muscle at all for us.” Mrs. Choi remarked, genuinely concerned for you. 

“Yes, please, Mrs. Kim. We can finish up with the little things. I’ve just finished preparing dinner downstairs, you should eat.” Mrs. Seo chimed in as she entered the walk-in closet, gesturing towards the door. 

“Are you sure? I can-”

“Mrs. Kim, you’re very kind for offering your help, we’re very grateful you’ve done so. Though we are Mr. Kim’s housekeepers, we are meant to care for his home and his lovely wife. You need not worry about helping us.” Mrs. Choi stated with an earnest tone, speaking respectfully as she addressed you. 

You were going to protest again before you considered her words, registering that if you indeed helped them, it would technically negate the entire purpose of their work. 

You bit back your reply as a result, crafting a new one. 

“I see, I’m sorry, Mrs. Seo, Mrs. Choi. I’m just.. very used to doing things on my own,” you looked towards the ground. “I apologize.” You almost dipped for a bow until Mrs. Choi rapidly cautioned you, scrambling towards your figure. 

“Oh dear, Mrs. Kim! You do not need to bow to us, you’re Mr. Kim’s wife, you are the one who is bowed to.” 

“Yes, you do not need to apologize either, we appreciate your help, it was very sweet of you.” Mrs. Seo added with a warm smile, bowing to you instead. “Please go for dinner downstairs, I’ve also informed Mr. Kim for dinner, though I’m unsure if he has made his way down yet.” She added on, urging you towards the room's exit and you recognized it was probably better to listen to her. 

Even if all this high-class, status stuff had yet to sink in or make sense to you after being away for so long, you understood there was an eventual tolerance you had to build for it. Just as Mrs. Choi said, you’re Kim Taehyung’s wife now, and that came with a hell lot of status you hadn’t even scratched the surface of yet.

You could already tell it was going to be a pain in the ass. 

“I suppose I should. I’ll get going, then.” You smiled graciously at both women, appreciative of their kindness and began vacating the closet. You just about pulled the room door open before Mrs. Seo suddenly came to you.

“Oh! Mrs. Kim,” she halted you. “I was informed by Mr. Kim to provide this to you. He would have done so himself though he’s quite busy at the moment.” Mrs. Seo extended her hand and presented a pristine looking card, black and incredibly sleek in design. Your eyebrows furrowed until you noticed the telltale symbols, almost ominously minimal branding indicating a rare card only those with some of the highest networths in Korea could own. 

Your eyes widened in horror. 

The Black Card. 

“P-pardon?” You needed her to reiterate, there was no way Kim Taehyung was giving you a black card, the same card that was limitless on credit and only exclusively owned by the affluent one-percenters of society. 

“He’s informed me this belongs to you now, and that you’re to keep it in your possession.” Mrs. Seo elaborated, smiling through the mental whiplash you were currently experiencing.  

“Belongs to.. me? This is mine?” You were still having trouble processing, why would Taehyung be gifting you this? Who’s account was it even attached to? Was it yours and he’s decided to graciously pay all the expensive fees, or worse, was it joined with his own account? 

Don’t tell me it’s joined with his account.  

“Yes, Mrs. Kim. It’s yours.” Mrs. Seo held it out more outwardly, nudging it in your direction. 

Your mouth fell agape for another second before you mentally collected yourself, quickly grabbing the card and thanking her as you made your exit, marching through the house for Taehyung’s unbelievable ass. 

Taehyung could not be providing you with this card. It was irrational, simply had to have been a decision he made with at least two bottles of soju in him, right? You didn’t care what his reasoning would be, you were denying and returning this. There was no way in hell you’d accept this card, especially if he linked his own personal account to it. 

You tried loosely recalling where Taehyung mentioned his study, logically assuming he was working there. You inspected majority of the second floor, working your way through the halls until you finally caught sight of the familiar wooden doors with glass panels, slightly ajar, light bleeding through.

You made for the room quickly and stormed in without a care, attempting to steady your breathing from all the rushing around. You caught Taehyung completely off guard, having shredded his suit jacket to instead sport the rolled up sleeves of his dress shirt, adorning black-rimmed, designer glasses. 

He looked 100x hotter than he should’ve. 

Taehyung suddenly propped up from the leaned-back position he’d assumed on his chair, expression caught by surprise. “Y/N?” He questioned, eyebrows furrowing. 

You held up the card and addressed him immediately. “Taehyung, what’s this? Why are you giving this to me?” You huffed, looking at him incredulously. 

“The card? For you to use..?” Taehyung responded cooperatively, confused as to why you seemed so frazzled. 

“But why, Taehyung? This is a black card, the annual fees on this are insane and I can’t pay-” 

“You’re not paying for them, I am.” Taehyung cut in, shutting the binder he was holding and placing it on his desk. 

“What? No, no way. If it’s my account then I should be the one-”

“It’s not your account, either, it’s mine.” Taehyung brought his elbows to his desk, hands clasped together in front of his lips. It was now he gave you that same intimidating stare he did back when you first met him, calculative and devoid of expression. 

It seemed he did this when he got serious. 

“Your account? But-Taehyung, this is your money, I can’t just have it. Please, take this back.” You stepped towards his desk to return the card eagerly, but Taehyung’s firm tone stopped you. 

“No, it’s yours. I gave it to you to keep.” His words held this underlying sense of authority, scratch that, dominance when he spoke seriously, resolute. You could instantly tell he possessed a natural sense of alpha male characteristics, enough that even though he wasn’t being harsh or looming, his words and the tone he coated them with held more power than you could manifest. 

You almost cowered, but remained adamant on returning the card. It was worse with the card attached to his account, you couldn’t just keep Taehyung’s money like it was your own, it simply wasn’t. Your money sat ordinarily in a separate account on a separate card, which you were happy enough to use. You weren’t going to mooch off of him, it went against every principle that made up your very being. 

“This is your money, Taehyung. I have no right to use it.” 

“You’re my wife. You have every right in the world to use it.” Taehyung countered with no emotion, or at least any you could discern, uncertain what was running through his mind with only his eyes as a guide towards the answer. 

And you knew his eyes didn’t tell. 

“Taehyung, this doesn’t feel right to me. This isn’t my money and I can’t use it.” You emphasized more strongly, drawing closer to his desk though halting your actions once he spoke again. 

“My money is your money, you can always use it.” You knew he was relaxed, appearing practically unbothered as he leaned onto his desk and eyed you. Though with the intense look in his eyes, his aura screaming for anyone within the vicinity to submit to him, he could easily seem frustrated with the situation, namely you. 

And it made you want to crawl into a hole.

“No, it isn’t. I’ve already intruded your home, taken your closet, your room and even an extra one just for myself. I will not take your money either. Please, take this back.” You held out the card more prominently, desperate to have him understand you.

Taehyung wasn’t necessarily frustrated by you, no, he was slightly pissed you kept referring to everything as just his and not yours, that he was the only one considering you two as a married couple now while you still viewed each other separately.

Did you not see him as your husband yet?

He also disliked the fact that you seemed scared of him, or unable to trust him like last night. He could see you fighting back the urge to cower away, genuinely upsetting him you still held a degree of fear and unsureness in your eyes. 

Why are you so afraid of me? 

“Y/N, everything isn’t just mine anymore, it’s yours, too. We’re a married couple, husband and wife. What’s mine is yours.” Taehyung tried to reason, loosening himself up more to seem less intimidating, more approachable.

“But money, Taehyung-it’s different. I didn’t even want to take my own father’s money, there’s no way I’ll take yours, please.” Pleading leaked into your tone as you lips started doing that thing where they just about pout, emphasizing their plushiness and Taehyung couldn’t help but notice it again. 

He started growing frustrated as he removed his glasses, placing them on his desk and pinching the bridge of his nose. It seemed like he was digesting the situation, searching for the best approach.

“Y/N, look. I know the kind of situation you had with your father, but I’m not him. Didn’t you hear what Mrs. Choi and Seo addressed you as?” 

You thought it over, unknowing of where he was taking this. “They.. called me Mrs. Kim.”

“Exactly. Even my last name is yours, everything I have is yours. I’m your husband, I’m always going to provide you with things from now on. That card is just one of many.” Taehyung offered his best explanation, making sure his tone wasn’t as serious to sidetrack any fear you still had.

“I understand. But this is a black card, Taehyung, and it’s your hard-earned money, not mine. It feels wrong even just having it.” You couldn’t fight your inner turmoil, you genuinely believed this to be wrong. After spending almost a decade trying to work for yourself, pay for yourself, seldom seeking the help of another, this just left a disagreeing feeling to churn in your stomach.

Taehyung sighed heavily before pushing his chair back, rising from his seat. He made his way over to you where you grew unintentionally defensive, retracting from him slightly as he neared you. He noticed it and pursed his lips, reaching out for your upper arms and taking them warmly, tenderly, waiting for your eyes to meet his before he spoke to you.

“Y/N, do you remember what I said before I kissed you yesterday?”

Your eyes widened having been reminded of the intimate moment, nodding at him innocently. Taehyung witnessed you trying to avoid eye contact and found himself softening. 

“I didn’t say that without reason. I meant it when I said I would take care of you. Your father is a different story, if you don’t want to use his money, I respect that. But I’m your husband, and I want to be a good one. I want to give you things.. do things for you simply because I want to.” Taehyung reasoned, gripping you lightly. “I want you to use my money, you’re allowed to use it.” He tried voicing with sincerity, earnestly, hoping he could change your mind.

He saw you still hesitating to accept the offer, however, deciding on a compromise.

“Look, you don’t have to use it all the time. You can still use your own card, but you can use mine here and there. Seriously, Y/N, using it won’t even make a dent on me. I’m the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company, use it at your discretion.” Taehyung could practically see your gears shifting, searching for your eyes as he wished you’d understand him. 

He saw this as a second step towards work-life balance, only feeling the responsibility and genuine desire to be the good husband in spite of the unfortunate nature of your marriage. He didn’t want any doubt concerning his ability to be a good husband, either.

After all, when Taehyung did something, he always did the best he possibly could.

“Okay, I guess you’re right. But I do have my own money, and I’ll be using that 100x more often than yours.” You relaxed and oddly let him hold you, looking down at the black card that rested in your hand and clutching it to your palm.

Taehyung realized he was still holding you and let go, retiring to fluff his hair instead. You caught a glimpse of his bicep underneath his rolled up sleeve as he did so, and you truly hated you chose a time like this to find him stunningly attractive.

“You should come downstairs, Mrs. Seo prepared dinner.” You ignored your thoughts.

“You go first, I’ll be down in a second.”

You nodded agreeably and turned away, leaving his study. You took a second look at the card in your hand, then glanced around the house as you strolled through it, trying to embed what Taehyung said into the crevices of your resistant thinking.

Everything I have is yours, you reiterated, registering that Taehyung had in fact grown accustomed to the idea of you two as a couple already. He’s accepted it, embraced it, even enforced it now with his earlier declarations and this black card. You automatically felt behind, like you were the tortoise in the race and needed to pick up your pace.

If Taehyung had already come to terms with your marriage, it was only a matter of time before you did as well. Marriage is a two-way street, and if you wanted to make this easier on both yourself and Taehyung, you would compromise with him, accept the true sense of partnership that entailed your status as husband and wife.

Thus was the exact mantra that played in your head as you fiddled with the card, remembering the way his big hands held you.

Warm.

It was night. 

You could say it was like any other ordinary night, though that would be a gargantuan lie. 

This night was the first time Taehyung and yourself were going to sleep in the same bed.

In your own home. 

The hotel suite left you both with your own space and privacy since it was a random, public room with no personality or attachment to it whatsoever, making it easier and comfortable to sleep with him.

So when you emerged from your walk-in closet in a thin camisole, loose pajama shorts and without a bra, you were cursing yourself. God damn you for needing to sleep in minimal clothing for comfort. You’d slept in a loose t-shirt and bottoms at the suite last night since it was a public room, and long story short, it left you tossing and turning more than you liked. 

You had no clue prior to arriving here that you’d be sharing a room with Taehyung. You’d expected to sleep in a different one, in the privacy of your own room where you could prance around as you wished and as a result packed your usual sleepwear. 

But now that you were left having to slumber with Taehyung, clothes on the more revealing side, there was no turning back. 

And what there was truly no turning back from, was when you opened the closet door and your eyes landed on Taehyung’s shirtless, wet self drying his hair after a shower. 

You immediately malfunctioned.

Your eyes fell to his bare back, ruffling his wet hair as his plaid pajama pants hung loosely at his hips. You immediately exclaimed and clamped a hand over your mouth, trying to shut yourself up. 

You did not expect at all for Taehyung to have such honey-coloured skin. It was like it naturally glowed, a healthy tone that made him appear all the more delectable. It certainly didn’t help that his shoulders were broader than you first observed, sincerely an other-worldly experience when he wasn’t wearing clothes. 

You also got an all-access view of his trap muscles, adding to the width of his shoulders overall and when Taehyung turned around to the sound of the closet door opening, gaze locking with yours, you could confirm his neck, chest and collarbones were indeed crafted to perfection.

Taehyung’s eyes widened momentarily drinking you in, not expecting your light sleepwear when just last night he witnessed you in a full pajama set. Not to mention, and he hated that he could tell, but you weren't wearing a bra. 

And the camisole did nothing to hide that. 

Taehyung straightened himself up realizing you two were practically gawking at each other, resting the towel around his neck as he cleared his throat. “That’s what you sleep in?” 

“That’s what you sleep in?” You retorted, arms over your chest. 

“Guys usually sleep shirtless, this is normal.” Taehyung gestured towards his own body and you had half a mind to floor yourself. It’s like Taehyung knew but also didn’t know he was hot, knew the effect he had on people though never grew cocky or proud enough to purposefully parade it around. 

And it frustrated you even more; he was fairly humble about being a sexy Greek God. 

“Girls sleep like this too, this is normal.” You copied him, looking off to the side. 

“I was kidding, I only sleep shirtless sometimes. Just get in bed.” Taehyung narrowed his eyes as he gestured towards the sheets, returning to his palace of a bathroom to toss his towel in the hamper and pull a t-shirt over his head. 

You wanted to move, feet just about ready to carry you but you never abandoned your spot. Instead, you pressed your lips into a thin line contemplating that sharing a bed with Taehyung, in clothes like this and in such proximity, all held a degree of intimacy you didn’t know you two shared yet. 

It’s only been a day. 

So when Taehyung returned to your unmoving figure, arms holding your chest and avoiding eye contact with him, he was quick to get the message. 

“Um.. if you really don’t want to sleep here, I can give you another room.” Taehyung offered, figuring himself this may be too soon. 

“No, it’s okay, that’d be kind of a hassle.” You waved him off. “Besides, your bed looks comfy.”

You were honestly trying to live up to your acceptance that Taehyung was the man you’d spend your life with now, so you’d better start getting use to him. You’d sleep next to him for numerous nights, spend endless days together and share a multitude of things; this would simply just be a first of many first times. 

So you paddled over to the bed and removed the covers to snuggle yourself in, the bed’s coolness sending a shiver through you before you hugged the blanket to yourself. Taehyung stood with a smile before crawling in himself, adjusting the covers to his liking. 

He felt at peace in a matter of seconds, the feeling of his own bed lulling him into a state of slumber already. He reached his arm out to shut off the lamp on his bedside table, leaving the room pitch dark and only his digital clock and balcony as a light source. 

You began to cower a bit in the darkness, thankful for the sheer curtains that allowed the moonlight to spill into the room. 

You felt another shiver run through your body when you shifted, realizing you were cold even under the sheets. You tried warming up on your own by shimmying the blanket around more comfortably, but it didn't do much. 

You were left lying on the bed trying to think warm thoughts, unintentionally breathing in the constant scent of Taehyung from his bed; his cologne, his aftershave, his body wash all filling your nostrils.

It was intoxicating, absolutely distracting and sleep began to slip your mind. It didn’t help that you were still cold too, moving around and turning onto your side where you now faced Taehyung. 

He seemed to have already dozed off, face tranquil as he slept soundlessly on his back. You couldn't help but admire his side-profile, the sparse moonlight illuminating his features. It was hard to not stretch your hand out and nearly run a touch along his cheek, like he was a rare work of art that naturally called for admiration.

You realized turning towards him that he radiated a wave of warmth from his body, remembering boys were pretty much furnaces while girls usually froze.

How wonderful it is to be a woman. 

You desired some of that heat and shuffled just a little closer to Taehyung, nearing the center of the bed. You discerned he was indeed warm and maneuvered slightly closer, just about stopping at the center of the bed. You fought back the urge to shimmy any closer, leaving a mindful gap between you two. 

You were seconds from catching a peace of mind until Taehyung unexpectedly spoke in the silence of the night, startling you. 

“You can come closer, I don’t bite.” The smirk in his voice was obvious, making you scrunch your nose and snap back at him. 

“Shut up, I’m not getting closer to you.” 

“You should, I’m really warm, and I can tell you’re cold.” There he was again teasing, his tone coy as he kept his eyes shut, unbothered. 

“Over my dead body.” You mocked him from earlier, turning away from him abruptly and pulling the covers over your head. 

Coffee was probably your favourite thing life had to offer. One of the couple things you’d fight someone over; coffee and your independence, if you wanted to be specific. 

So it made you genuinely happy Taehyung had such a wide selection of coffee to choose from, ranging from all kinds of beans to instant coffee, cappuccinos, lattes, mochas, you name it. It took no time for you to craft a cup to your liking, shuffle into a seat on the island and begin picking at the breakfast the housekeepers had whipped up earlier this morning. 

You’d woken up early today keeping in mind the day you had planned. You decided this to be another move-in day as part of your studio setup project you’ve entertained for the last week. The granted time off due to your odd honeymoon farce with Taehyung proved to actually come in handy, thankfully. 

It had been another peaceful morning for you, having woken up with sunlight gracing the walls, certain you could hear birds chirping as if you were in a Disney film and little mice would come out to start sewing the gown you’d wear as a princess. 

It had been a peaceful morning indeed, but when you stretched out to loosen your stiff muscles, the chaos that met you was anything but peaceful. Even if it’s occurred at least 5 times now, you kept forgetting that you shared a bed with someone else now, and that said someone had somehow always founds a way to gravitate towards you during the night, even daringly cast an arm over you sometimes. 

It left you in a state of panic registering that Taehyung’s, dare you say warm and cozy body would be just behind you, his chest mere centimeters from your back. You would stay still for some time, calculating the optimal way to remove yourself from his hold until he eventually stirred enough to loosen his grip, darting right out of bed. 

Other times, he’d wake earlier than you and you wondered what would cross his mind once he registered your oddly proximal bodies. 

Did it ever bother him?

Nonetheless, it brought a mischievous smile to your face thinking about the fact that Taehyung had such a perfectly human habit like cuddling. He was always so serious, so put together and a near machine at everything he did, seeming as though he wouldn’t give anything romantic the time of day. 

But it was hard to forget the fluffy feeling that blossomed in your chest when you would sense his proximity, maybe inviting a liking to it. You had always slept alone, only yourself and the darkness to keep you company in your lonely bed, in your lonely home. 

So sleeping next to someone, namely Kim Taehyung left an impression on you you couldn’t quite shake. It was difficult to erase the image of his calm, sleeping face after the handful of times witnessing it. Long eyelashes delicately pressed to the skin under his eyes, lips plush as he seemed to naturally pout in his sleep. The sunlight only accentuated his honey-coloured skin, adding a glow to his features that made him appear prettier than he already was. 

It was nice to think you’d wake up to that every morning. 

You found your mind still playing around with the idea until you snapped yourself out of it, questioning why the hell you always ventured off whenever you thought about him. 

Weird. 

You were scolding yourself until your eyes caught Taehyung strolling into the kitchen with his phone in is hand. He’d foregone a jacket today, black shirt sleeves folded to mid-forearm paired with black slacks.  

You were normal until you almost spat your coffee seeing he wasn’t wearing a tie but instead had the first few buttons of his shirt open, revealing a generous view of his neck and the beginnings of his chest. 

Fucking hell.

You were staring stupidly until Taehyung peeked up at you, smiling “Morning.” 

“M-morning.” you stuttered.

He seemed unsuspecting as he returned his attention to his phone, proceeding to the kitchen counter and retrieving a cup to fix himself a drink. He appeared to be reading something conscientiously on his device, never taking his eyes off and you quickly became bored, ready to use the weapon you’d acquired. 

“So.. you’re a cuddler, huh?”

Taehyung nearly dropped his cup.  

“I’m sorry, what?” 

“You’re a cuddler when you sleep. Cute.” You rested your chin in your palm, playful smile on your face. 

“I think you’re mistaken, I am not a cuddler. And I’m not cute.” Taehyung denied as he only focused on the cup, his back to you. You then watched him reach for his selection of tea and purposefully evade the coffee, your eyes lighting up with mischief.  

“Wait, you’re a cuddler and you drink tea instead of coffee? Very cute.” You pulled on his leg, chuckling as you brought your mug to your lips

This was going to be fun.

“Shut up, I don’t like the taste and tea is healthier.” Taehyung practically sneered back, harshly ripping the packet of his tea bag.

“Doesn’t take away from the fact that you’re a cuddler.” You sipped on your coffee, unbothered as you swung your legs back and fourth. 

“Doesn’t take away from the fact that you like it.” 

You nearly spat your drink. 

“What?” 

“I remember a certain someone that shuffles closer to me for warmth, no?” Taehyung snapped back as he returned to his phone and popped his tea into the microwave, his shoulders high to the sky. You could imagine his smug face proud of his remark while searching for your own, realizing that Taehyung was damn good at arguing and you’d really have to upgrade your comeback game to counter him. 

He was unfortunately your match.

“Even if I were one, which I’m not, It’s not like I’m committing a crime.” Taehyung suddenly finalized with a snippy tone, and you realized you may have hurt his ego. 

Men. 

“I never said it was a bad thing.” You commented under your breath and looked away, popping a raspberry into your mouth. 

Taehyung bit back a smirk as he retrieved his cup of tea, taking a sip as he returned to his phone and took a seat across from you. He began compiling his plate of breakfast as he worked his device, typing away with one hand as if he was drafting the Magna Carta. 

You became bored again.

“Why do you have so much coffee if you don’t like it?” You genuinely felt like inquiring, if he didn’t like the taste why would he have so much? 

“For my housekeepers, they drink it.” He took a sip of his tea, all attention on his phone. 

You nodded understandingly. “Why do you have two housekeepers, by the way? Isn’t one enough?” 

“So they can keep each other company.” He answered absentmindedly, eyes still glued to his phone as he bit a piece of his toast. You really hated that he wasn’t actively interacting with you because it only left room to stare at him, and that was never any good.  

He looked illegally attractive with the unbuttoned part of his shirt, your mind profusely bugging out over the exposed bit of his chest. You were reminded of the full view from last night, and began pondering how long you’d survive having to see that for the rest of your life. 

“O-oh, that’s nice.” You stuttered back a reply, squashing your previous thought.

You were actually quite impressed by the kindness Taehyung showed behind that decision, noticing he had these small moments where he was caring, considerate, all hidden behind his unreadable face and seriousness when it came to business. 

It was quite interesting. 

You were mindlessly eating until Taehyung spoke up, eyes flickering towards you. “What are you going to do today?” 

You swallowed your fruit. “I was planning on moving more stuff in again, start finishing my studio setup. Thank you again for the room, by the way.” You expressed your gratitude once more, forking some eggs into your mouth. 

“Don’t mention it.” 

“What are you doing today?” you echoed his question, taking another swig of coffee.

“I’m working again. If you need anything I’ll be in my study.” Taehyung sent you a half-smile before snatching up his plate, bringing his phone to his ear as he stepped out of the kitchen. 

You sighed heavily only being left to think about your day, which would be majorly spent unpacking and arranging things. You had a plethora of art supplies, design tools and canvases to set up in your studio, leaving you constantly thinking of how to even begin. 

It would be a mission alone to sort through everything you had left, knowing you didn’t exactly label out of sheer laziness and would have to individually unbox and organize everything . 

It was this exact task that took up most of your day, time having slipped by in the blink of an eye. It wasn’t easy when you had to be rummaging through your belongings and situating them where you thought appropriate, also trying to envision a new look for your studio. 

You hadn’t realized 3 hours had passed until the ring of the front doorbell caused you to check your phone, curious as to who would be visiting your home in the middle of the day. You assumed it be one of the housekeepers and abandoned your work, cascading down the staircase and striding towards the grand entrance. 

You drew towards the monitor Taehyung had showed you just yesterday, explaining it to be your home security system. Taehyung detailed it had a camera for your front porch that detected movement and the doorbell alike, so you peered at the monitor to see the stranger outside your home. 

Your eyebrows furrowed registering a woman, her back turned towards the door as she fidgeted nervously with her purse in her hand. 

Sheer curiosity took you over and you paddled towards the door, unlocking it. You wore a smile on your face as you swung the door open, though it was immediately wiped off taking in the last person on earth you ever wanted to see. 

“Mother?”

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[buckybarnesdiaries]

secrets

© credits to the author, i found it on pinterest. if you are the author, please send me a message to add your @.

bucky barnes x reader. ⎢ masterlist.

request made by @homesicam: hi maria!! can I have prompt 15, feels mysterious and all and god bless bucky's soul (ofc) !! and thank you so much for your work !! ❤️

prompt: “Will be our secret”.

word count: 1.165 words.

warnings/tags: none. bucky feeling like a lost puppy trying to fit in.

author notes: none of my stories contain reader’s body descriptions to be inclusive.

Join the tag list here.

Like every time you came back from a mission, where you needed a little calm, you waited for the small hours to hit the clock. Walking out from your dorm, you led your feet through the hallways to downstairs. Crossing the huge large living room, you stepped to the back garden of the compound. As soon as you took off your house slippers, you continued along the grass, feeling the strands of grass beneath your toes tickling you. The sky was covered by shining stars all around and for a split second your mind went blank. There wasn’t any horror, any danger, any pain. The wounds and the scratches in your face and arms went to the background, as you closed your eyes to breathe the soft breeze fluttering your hair. You felt free.

Taking a seat on the grass, you put your knees against your chest and wrapped them with both arms. Sometimes you used to think about what made you so special to be part of the Avengers. You weren’t like Natasha, a professional spy. You weren’t like Tony, a genius. And of course, you weren’t a god, nor a witch, nor a supersoldier. Not even just a soldier like Sam. Of course, they were more than those skills. You were just an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. that survived its destruction and falling. It was inevitable to feel small when you joined them in their missions. Even so, it was better if any of them heard you talk about yourself like that, or they’d end up kicking your ass to be too humble and unfair with yourself and how much you train and work hard every single day. With no excuses.

“A broken heart is all that’s left, I’m still fixing all the cracks. Lost a couple of pieces when I carried it, carried it, carried it home…” Like a defense mechanism against your own hurtful thoughts, you started to sing with your eyes put on a starry night above your head.

A few days ago, you discovered that song and got really obsessed for some reason you didn’t know. It was like picking at the scab, thinking about your parents, about how much you missed them, about what they could be thinking about you. Would they feel proud? Would they feel scared?

“I’m afraid of all I am. My mind feels like a foreign land, silence ringing inside my head. Please, carry me… carry me… carry me home”.

“You sound like my mother”.

Those words raced your heart, more because of the surprise of someone else being there than for the confession. You couldn’t help but jump up from the floor, shaking the strands of grass from your clothes. Bucky was in front of you, a couple of steps away. He had his head slightly tilted to the right, squinting with some kind of confusion running through his mind. You crossed your arms on your chest a little ashamed, rubbing your nose with a side of your hand as you tried to hold back a tear.

Then, you dawn on and your brain reproduced his words again. For you, it meant a shock. You could count with the fingers of both hands the times you had shared a couple of words, maybe a small talk in a meeting before a mission. And you were sure it was the first time you two were alone. Bucky was pretty quiet, even shy you’d dare to say. After all the shit he lived in for many years, the fear of coming back to those dark days was still chasing him. Steve told you that he used to try and speak to anyone, to be normal, to be trusted. But after what he was forced to do, no one really trusted in him. And it wasn’t like you didn’t care about his past, because you’d be lying to yourself, but you were of those kinds of persons who thought that everybody deserves a second chance. If you didn’t give them anything to believe in, how would they be believers?

“Did she…?” You intoned slowly driven by curiosity, now that Bucky seemed interested in starting a conversation either way. But you didn’t want to sound disrespectful.

“She used to sing for my sister and me”. You watched him keep his hands inside the pockets of his sweatpants, coming closer to you as he noticed you weren’t afraid of him.

“My mom did it too”. You replied then, showing him a fleeting smile curving up your lips.

As soon as Bucky witnessed the sweet gesture from you and the way you were continuing the conversation, he felt relaxed. He felt welcomed from the first time he stepped into the compound. You waved a hand towards him, urging him to sit down as you went back to your seat on the grass. He joined you without hesitation, cheered up inside for making a new friend.

You lost track of time talking about everything and anything at the same time. Talking about your families, discovering he had a sister called Rebecca. Talking to you about the old good times where Steve and he were just a couple of punk wreak havoc all around Brooklyn. You couldn’t stop laughing, showing him how excited you were to know more about him and his adventures. You told him about the farm where you used to live and how you built something like a training camp to prepare yourself to join S.H.I.E.L.D. Bucky was fascinated by your determination and perseverance, comparing you to Steve when he wanted to join the army, before being Captain America.

Inevitably, you yawned when the sunset was about to happen, earning a soft nudge from the soldier. “C’mon, you should rest”.

“Yeah, I’m pretty dead… drawbacks of being only human”.

He stood up before you, helping you to get up from the ground. You walked indoors keeping silent, not knowing actually how to say goodbye. It was an awkward situation that barely lasted two seconds.

“Listen, about before… I’d appreciate it if you don’t say anyt—”.

“Sure”. Bucky interrupted you. The gesture of his face suddenly changed to a sad grimace with a feigned smile on his lips. “You don’t have to worry about”.

“Good! Uh… thank you. I bet Stark will bully me about the singing thing all the time. He can be a pain in the ass sometimes”. You couldn’t help but sigh with relief when his blue eyes, placed on his boots, were raised with a special shine on them. There, you understood what he thought about your uncompleted petition. “And about… you know, talking, I wouldn’t mind repeating it anytime else”.

“Only if you sing for me”. Bucky’s voice was like a soft breeze caressing your face, filled with hope and enthusiasm. You tilted your head, narrowing your eyes towards him. “Will be our secret”.

“Okay, deal”. You chuckled nodding. “Good night, Bucky”.

“Good night, (Y/N)”.

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[ciasquare]

You might be aromantic if

I realised that the original post by the anagnori tumblr can no longer be located... This resource has been invaluable to me for years and I feel like it should be preserved. I’m glad that I copy pasted this list many years ago and I hope to continue to keep this resource available for all who need it.

This is a list of some common experiences that aromantic people share and is by no means a checklist that decides if you’re aromantic or not. Your sexual/romantic orientation is only your business and only you can decide how you identify. This list is just meant to help and nothing more!

When you discovered the word “aromantic,” it felt like something finally clicked into place for you.

Identifying as aromantic makes you feel relieved, free, happy, or more like yourself.

When you discovered the concept of a “squish” suddenly a lot of things made more sense to you.

You have trouble telling the difference between romantic and friendly feelings.

You’ve never had a crush on someone, or fallen in love.

You’re not sure if you’ve ever had a crush on someone or fallen in love.

You have trouble telling the difference between a crush and a squish, or between romantic and aesthetic/sexual/sensual attraction.

You have doubted whether crushes or love really exist, or if they’re just cultural constructs.

You find romance boring, annoying or upsetting when it appears in fiction, even if it’s written well.

You once thought that having a crush on someone meant you admired them or really wanted to be their friend.

You thought crushes were something you consciously decided to have, and selected an acquaintance or celebrity to be your crush, because everyone else was doing it.

You forgot which acquaintance or celebrity you were supposed to have a crush on.

If you’re not asexual, a “friends with benefits” relationship sounds ideal to you.

You have trouble relating, or feeling involved, when your friends discuss their romantic relationships or romantic feelings.

Falling in love doesn’t seem very exciting to you.

You don’t understand why other people make such a big deal out of having crushes or falling in love.

You don’t understand why people do ridiculous, irrational or over-the-top things in the name of love.

You don’t understand why finding someone sexually/aesthetically attractive would lead you to want a committed relationship with them.

Or, maybe you sort of understand those things in an abstract way, but you can’t really relate to them.

You have never had a romantic relationship - not because you couldn’t get one, but because you just never really bothered to try, or you liked being single better.

When a romantic relationship gets serious, it makes you feel cold, distant or uncomfortable.

Getting a romantic partner feels more like fulfilling an obligation, or something you’re supposed to do, than something you’re really enthusiastic about.

Your romantic partners always seem to be way more into the lovey-dovey stuff than you are.

A likable person suggests having a romantic relationship with you, and you’re indifferent to it - you’re open to trying it, but you won’t get disappointed without it. Other people may find your indifference bizarre or think you’re giving off mixed messages.

You have felt guilty about not loving your romantic partner as much as they loved you, even though you sincerely cared about them and wanted to love them back.

You have felt suffocated, repressed or tense in a romantic relationship, even though you really liked your partner and they hadn’t done anything wrong.

When your last romantic relationship ended, you felt relieved and free more than you felt sad, even if your partner broke it off, and even if you liked them very much as a person.

You’re more excited by making a new best friend than by falling in love.

You wouldn’t mind marrying your best friend and spending your life with them, even though you’re not in love with them.

You’d rather spend Friday night having a sleepover party with your buddies than going out on a date.

You want a best friend much more than you want a romantic relationship.

It’s not so much the idea of being single forever that bothers you, so much as being alone or unwanted.

You are either oblivious to other people flirting with you, or feel uncomfortable or threatened by it.

You are sometimes perceived as flirtatious when you only meant to be friendly.

You live in a large community and see or meet hundreds of people around your age every year, but none of them have ever stirred romantic feelings in you.

You recognize whether something is romantic or not by comparing it to other gestures, words and signals that your culture has taught you are romantic, rather than “feeling” the romance of it intuitively.

When you say or do romantic things, it feels like you’re following a script or copying romantic things you’ve seen elsewhere, rather than something spontaneous and natural to you.

When thinking about what sort of person you’d want to date, your criteria are identical to what you would want from a best friend.

The main benefit you get from a romantic relationship is either platonic, sensual, sexual, or a combination of those; the romantic aspect is okay but it’s not really the part you like most.

You have trouble imagining romantic activities that you would enjoy, unless those activities are also fun or interesting for you on a platonic or intellectual level.

You feel like your closest friends and/or queerplatonic partners are better at fulfilling your emotional needs than romantic partners would be.

You would rather be huggy, cuddly or emotionally intimate with all of your friends instead of reserving your intimacy for just one person.

You would rather have a queerplatonic relationship than a typical romantic relationship.

You don’t feel as if you’re missing anything in your life right now; having a romantic partner might be nice, but you don’t need it or seek it out.

The idea of being single forever sounds awesome to you.

You enjoy gestures and activities that are traditionally labeled “romantic,” but at no point during them do you actually feel attracted to whoever you’re with.

You don’t enoy gestures and activities that are traditionally labeled romantic, either because the romance aspect bothers you, or because all of them are just plain unappealing to you.

You avoid going places where people are likely to flirt with you, such as bars, parties, nightclubs, and concerts.

You’re not sure why other people enjoy romantic stories; you usually just find the lead characters to be annoying, boring or dysfunctional.

You like the idea of having a big wedding celebration more than the idea of actually marrying someone.