#i made myself forget some of the things i figured out at 17- for the sake of survival- but the truth is still there

[enibly]

just listened to Lorde’s Pure Heroine for the first time

where’s that post about how grown men spend their lifetimes trying to articulate feelings already expressed by teen girls?

[muwapsturniolo]

✯✯𝐁𝐨𝐲𝐢𝐬𝐡 º 𝐂. 𝐒𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐨✯✯

Track .002 ☆ I'm Not Angry Anymore

pt.1

IN WHICH… Killisi-Star, mainly known as Blue Jay, finally returns to Boston after 17 years. As she tries to find her place back in her father’s life and deal with her trauma, she rekindles an old flame from her childhood. Arguments are had, secrets are revealed, and promises are broken.

WARNINGS... ANGST, DRUGS, SEIZURES, ABSENT PARENTS

Back home.

Home being Boston Massachusetts.

I never thought I would be back here after everything that's happened, it's a scary thought and an even frightening reality.

I wasn't always scared to come back, at one point I craved it, yearning for bipolar weather and the community I once had. That changed when I got to 6th grade, it seemed as if everything fell apart. My dad, Gerald, stopped visiting, claiming he was too busy to come down and see me. It hurt, but I didn't fault him for it. I only started to fault him when no visits turned into no calls, and no calls turned into him completely forgetting about me...Although I don't think he completely forgot considering he still sent gammy money to take care of me and would speak to me through her.

It hurt, knowing your own father, someone who helped create your life, made the choice to shut you out.

I was angry for years, crying myself to sleep and shouting to Gammy that I Hate him, and never wanted to see him again. But, with the help of a therapist, I managed to not be so angry.

His actions weren't right, but he had to have a reason.

So here I am at 22 years old, standing in front of my childhood home.

Gammy encouraged me to go, claiming my father does miss me and asks about me all the time, as well as wishing I was back home. I don't know how true those claims are, but my heart told me to give it a shot. He doesn't know that I'm coming, he also doesn't know that I packed up all of my things to move back in, but we will deal with it later.

I stare up at the house, taking a hit of my cigarette.

I could never figure out why my dad kept the house. Why would he want to be in the house where his wife cheated on him, and his baby girl had a seizure and almost died? But he grew up in this house, it holds all his childhood memories as well as the ones with me.

Without wasting another moment, I stomp the cigarette out and approach the front door. I raise my hand only to put it back down.

Anxiety sets in.

I feel my fingers twitch, itching for the multiple nicotine sticks in my pocket. I shake it off and knock on the door.

Instantly the door swings open and I'm greeted by a white boy I've never seen before. We stare at each other in shock for a few seconds before he speaks, "Umm, who are you?"

"I uh- I um- Are you a fan?" I frown at him in confusion. "A fan? Of what? I'm here because my dad lives here." The boy rolls his eyes and scoffs, " Yeah right. Have some fucking respect!" He goes on a tangent about fans not respecting him or ''the boys'' and all I can do is just stand there and take his words.

"So who are you claiming to be your dad anyway?"

"Gerald Grant."

It's almost uncanny how he freezes, his eyes widening in shock.

He knows something.

"Do you know him? Or where he lives?"

"He lives here...with me, my mom, and my half-sister."

Now it's my turn to tense, my heart dropping to the pits of my stomach at the newfound information. He remarried, and had another child? How come he never told me? Did Gammy know? is that why he disappeared from my life?

The silence between the two of us is ear-piercing, or maybe it's the ringing in my ears. He slowly untenses his limbs, but I can tell he's still unsure and put off with everything.

"Why don't you come inside?"

I say nothing, just giving a curt nod in response. I take a hesitant step inside the house, the air thick and suffocating. I slide off my boots off by the door and follow the boy through the house, despite already knowing the layout.

"I uh... have a couple of friends over right now, we all just came in like half an hour ago. Did you want to chill with us?" his words are awkward and strained, almost as if he doesn't want to be talk to me or be anywhere near me.

I don't blame him, I don't want to be around him either.

"uhh Sure." He nods and guides me to the living room. I walk behind him and look around the hallway.

My heartbreaks.

The pictures of me, Bonnie, and Isaiah were taken down and replaced with him and his new family. Multiple pictures of the boy in front of me dressed in sports gear, a girl who could be a few years younger in dance cheer uniforms, and pictures of him with an older woman.

He looks happy.

Would he be that happy seeing me?

We arrive in the living room and I see three boys sprawled out on the couch, nose-deep in their phones.

"Guys-" the boy starts catching their attention. They snap their heads up and their eyes immediately land on me. My eyes widen in shock and my mouth parts,

There's no way, right?

"There's no fucking way!"

"Hey Nick..." Next thing I know, four arms are wrapped around me, squeezing me tightly. I let out a genuine laugh of happiness, a smile gracing my face as they expressed how excited they were to see me again.

"Holy shit, I can't believe you're here!"

"We haven't seen you in like- 17 years" I turn and look at Chris who is still on the couch, a wary expression on his face. He seems indifferent towards me where as Nick and Matt are over the moon. It hurts considering Chris and I used to be as thick as thieves, but things change.

"I'm sorry to interrupt the reunion but, who the hell are you actually? All you have said is that you're Geralds daughter."

"My name is Killisi-Star, but I usually go by Star" I explain softly, trying to ignore Chris's eyes burning into the side of my head.

"Ok, but how do you know the triplets?"

"She was our best friend before she just up and left." it's clear Chris is hurt, I would be too if it was the other way around, but his words do nothing but make me even more anxious.

"Come sit down! Let's catch up!" Nick states, already grabbing my hand and dragging me to sit. I'm pushed back next to Chris, my body squished between him and Nick.

I hug myself and cross my legs, Nick immediately noticing and scoffing. "Get comfortable Blue, This is your house too."

I look down awkwardly at his words.

This hasn't been my home since I was five. I don't even belive it's my home now considering he has a new family.

It grows quiet but Matt quickly fixes that, "So blue, how were you these past years?"

"I've been decent...." I awkwardly respond. Despite feeling some type of happiness to be around the boys, I haven't seen them in years. It's awkward being around people you used to call your best friends and yet, you have nothing to tell them...At least nothing good.

I decide to switch the conversation back to them, "How have you all been? What have you been up to?"

Nick and Matt talk over each other, telling me how their home burnt down, them moving, to their career now as YouTubers. I was shocked to hear they moved to LA for a few years despite ultimately choosing to move back to Boston. it's interesting to see how much their lives have changed, and yet they seem like the same three boys I loved and spent every second with.

They were always animated children, bouncing off the walls as if they had copious amounts of sugar. It made sense that they decided to be YouTubers instead of going to college or doing something else with their life.

"Youtube is cool, I'll have to check you guys out sometime"

We spend the next few hours laughing and talking. I find myself analyzing each of them. Matt is still the same, but he's changed a bit. He's still a quiet person, ever only chiming in when he has the chance to speak or has something to say. His ears are now pierced and he has a bunch of tattoos as well.

Nick is still the same as when we were kids, dramatic and always thinking he's right. He has his dad moments but evens it out by also being loud and animated. He's the oldest so it makes sense for him to somewhat be the leader. Throughout the talk, he kept me close as if I would leave again. I didn't mind it though....It was comforting.

Chris was... different. He was usually toe to toe with Nick in being the loud one, he was always jumping around causing chaos, living up to the title of being the youngest sibling.

But he was quiet today.

Part of me wants to believe he truly did change and grew out of his chaotic personality, but the realistic side of me knows it's my fault he's so quiet at the moment.

Then there's Nathan. He's kind of an ass... At least to me he is. Anything I said he would make a side remark in response to, or scoff at. I can tell he was uncomfortable with me being here, it's not easy hearing your stepdad has a whole child he never mentioned.

Overall the group is nice, I don't see myself willingly hanging out with any of them. It could be because I like being alone, but it could also be because I don't fit in anymore. Maybe if I never left Boston things could be different, but unfortunately, these are the consequences of that night.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by a car engine, "That must be Gerald" Nate mutters without looking up from his phone.

My hands instantly begin to sweat, my heart beating a mile a minute. I clench and unclench my hands as I try to keep my breathing steady, "Should you hide and surprise him?" Nick asks with a wide smile.

"I-I-I don't k-k-know."

So many thoughts are reeling through my head, I can't even hear the front door opening and closing. Suddenly I'm yanked off the couch and pulled behind the wall separating the dining room and living room.

I'm shocked to see the culprit is Chris. This whole day he hasn't been talking to me or even looking at me, and now he's hiding me.

I don't have the chance to ask him what he's doing due to my father's voice being heard. "Nate, who's car is that with all those boxes outside?"

Hearing his voice after 11 years sends me into a state of shell shock.

I hear a pair of footsteps making me turn around, I turn around and see my dad's back. "Did one of you boys get a new car?"

"No."

"So whose car is-Blue Jay?"

Tears form in my eyes at the shock on his face.

"Hi Daddy."

He drops all of his stuff and pulls me into a tight hug, picking me up and spinning me around. I let out a laugh mixed with a sob, hugging him tightly. He sets me down but doesn't let me go, holding me close to his chest.

We stay like this for about five minutes in silence before he breaks it,

"I've missed you so much Blue."

"I missed you too daddy."

I pull away from him and take him in.

He's getting old.

His hair is grey, his eye bags are a little prominent, and he now has a gold tooth.

"What are you doing here? How come you and Gammy didn't say anything." I sniffle and smile at him sadly, "I told Gammy not to tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise... I haven't seen you since Sixth grade or had a chance to speak with you and I...I miss you." He returns the sympathetic smile and holds my face. " I miss you too Blue, I-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for disappearing from your life, you didn't deserve that I'm- It's ok...I'm not angry anymore."

He gives me a somber look, all the emotions he's holding in showing through his eyes. I can tell he's mad at himself for doing what he did, but also disappointed about missing out on so much of my life. He caresses my face, looking at me in admiration. "You've gotten so big. You're a grown woman now. 23 turning 24 next year, you have all these piercings! Jesus, last time I saw you, you were a 12-year-old and was going through your emo phase." I laugh at his words.

"You've grown too! You have a head full of grey hair and a gold tooth." He laughs and pulls me into another hug. "It's so good to have you back sweetheart. How long are you staying?"

"I um-" I pull away and pick at my sweater, "-I was hoping I could move back in...If you're -OF COURSE YOU CAN!" He picks me up and spins me once again.

"Oh, this just made my week! I can't wait until Flora and Jasmine come home! Oh, this is just great!"

I should be excited, I'm back home and my dad is happy to see me. But I can't help but feel some type of dejection as he mentions Flora and Jasmine. I don't know who's who exactly, but it hurts to now know the names of people who replaced me in my father's life. I'm pulled out of my thoughts by him continuing to speak excitedly.

"Oh! We have to get your stuff moved in!" I shake my head, "no, It's late! I can do it tomorrow."

"Too late Blue Jay!" I look past my Dad and see Matt and the other boys holding boxes. "Down the hall to the right?" Chris questions. My dad laughs, "You know it Chris!"

"Let me change and then we can catch up! Oh, I'll call Flora and tell her to pick up up burgers, gravy fries, and even some Oreo cake!"

"You remember my order from Cindy's?" I question softly.

"Of course I do! I have it every Saturday!" I throw my arms around him and take in a shakey breath, my whole body filled with warmth.

"I love you so much."

"I love you too Blue-Jay, with my whole life."

It was now 9 o'clock and Flora and Jasmine came home. It was an awkward interaction on my end, not really knowing what to say to them. It became even more awkward when my dad told Jasmine about us being siblings.

Jasmine was pretty. A pretty that would make girls envy her and boys do anything. It was mindboggling, her whole vibe was ethereal yet intimidating at the same time. She had curly black hair that was messy, dark skin, full lips, and a body of a goddess. She stood at 5'7 and her presence was captivating. "My name's Jasmine! It's nice to meet you!" even her voice was captivating, smooth like butter and warm like brown sugar. She had a beautiful smile, teeth a shining white.

"Yeah...Nice to meet you as well." I didn't mean to be so awkward or brush her off, it was a defense mechanism I developed as I got older and people mistake me for being rude.

"Oh my god! I'm so excited to finally have a sister! It's annoying having Nate around all the time! Now we can gang up on him!" I give her an awkward smile. She was a yapper and I was anything but.

"Alright alright, let us eat!" My dad says. Everyone gathers in the kitchen, but I don't move.

It's like I'm stuck, stuck staring at the tiled floors seeing my own 5-year-old body on the ground convulsing.

My dad notices me and a look of realization comes across his face. "Actually, let's eat in the living room." Flora gives him a look but he ignores it. I don't want her to be irritated with me so I shake my head, "No... The kitchen is fine." He looks at me and I nod. Everyone moves into the kitchen but it takes me a second.

Not wanting to cause a scene, I slowly walk into the kitchen. I avoid looking at the lights and sit down in the empty seat next to Chris. "You ok?" He whispers. I hum and nod my head, planting a fake smile on my face.

Everyone grabs their respective burger and drinks, getting ready to dive in and eat, but my dad stops them.

"Now I know it's cliche, but I want to make a toast to my daughter being home. She and I have gone through some very... tough times, but she's home now, and I'm the happiest I've ever been."

He looks at me and I awkwardly smile, raising my can of pop slightly.

" To family being reunited," my dad raises his drink making everyone raise theirs.

"To family being reunited!"

Everyone dives into their food, making conversation. With the way Nate side-eyes me, I can tell he starts telling stories to make me feel left out, bringing up memories of my dad taking him and Jasmine out.

My final straw was a daddy-daughter dance being mentioned.

"I think I'm going to head to bed." I stand up from the table and make my way out of the kitchen. I can hear the table get quiet, the awkward tension wafting through the home, but I keep walking. I make it to my room and softly close the door, pressing my forehead against the wooden panel.

After a few moments, I pull away and turn around.

My room still looks the same.

White walls, princess posters hanging up, my dresser is still pink with a bunch of glitter and stickers, along with my pink frilly bed set. My stuffed animals are in the corner on a shelf and my toy bin is still at the end of my bed.

It's different from my room in Michigan.

Very different.

I sigh and flop down on the twin-sized bed, staring up at the ceiling.

A few hours pass with me just staring at the ceiling, no thoughts running through my head as I lay in pure and utter silence. A knock on my door pulls me out of my empty trance. I turn towards the door and am shocked to see Chris peaking his head in. He inches into the room and closes the door, the both of us just staring at each other.

He eventually walks over to the bed and lays down next to me, the both of us staring up at the little glow-in-the-dark stars attached to the ceiling.

"Do you remember that one summer when we were at the park, and we found that apricot tree?" Chris suddenly voices. I find myself smiling fondly at the memory, my voice soft as I respond. "Yeah, we took a bunch and you slept over and we ate them."

"Then you threw up because they made you sick." He giggles at the memory. Our joyful laughter soon turns dismal, landing us in a straiined silence.

"I was really upset when you left...I come back from my Nanna's and all I'm hearing from my parents is that you moved away. I tried asking your dad why you left and he stayed, but I was brushed off. I was so confused and it hurt, eventually morphing into anger. I was angry no one would tell me why you left, I was angry I couldn't talk to you any more, I was angry my best friend up and left me with no notice at all..." I clench my eyes shut at his words, doing my best not to cry.

"I was angry when you showed up today out of the blue, acting as if everything was ok."

"Chris I'm so- I'm not angry anymore...when you left the dinner table I could tell you're hurting." He turns on his side and stares at me.

"I want to ask why you left, but something tells me it's a touchy subject..."

I say nothing.

"You'll tell me on your own time right?" Once again I stay quiet.

"When you're ready I'm all ears..... good night Blue-Jay." He stands up after patting my arm and leaves the room silently.

"Goodnight Chris." I mumble to myself before turning over and closing my eyes.

let me know what yall think of pt 2!!!!!

𝐒𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐨 𝐓𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 🍑: @mattslolita @thenickgirl @guccifrog @luverboychris @zayyluvz @mrsmiagreer @chrisssluttywaist @78yaz @hoesformatt @freshloveforthefit @3lizaluvs @mattsturniolosgirlfriend @jetaimevous @luxy-nyx @ts-is-my-spirt-animal @iihrtsturniol0 @idontexistman @katw4shereee @madisturn @starlace111 @zivall @adoreindie @imwetforyourmom @sturnsxplr-25 @sturncakez @theyluvme-2315 @moonk1ss3d @@babyalliah-777 @sturniololol

[mxaether]

MITCH MARNER -VS- TORONTO MEDIA/TORONTO FANS/HIMSELF/EVERYONE (a playlist for when you love a thing so much, and it bites you)

track list and selected lyrics for each under the cut ❤️

1. I Want You So Bad I Can't Breathe - OK GO i want you, yeah, i want you/ i want you, yeah, i want you bad/ so bad i can't think straight/ so bad all my bones shake / so bad i can't breathe 2. Careful What You Wish For (the doctor said to) - Jack Harris something is missing/this predisposition/i feel like i'm living inside of my head 3. Who Made You A Monster? - Hael tricking the world to trust you/but everything that you say/is some kind of sordid lie/who taught you how to lie so well? 4. GOSSIP - Maneskin, Tom Morello welcome to the city of lies/where everything's got a price/gonna be your favourite place -- so sip the gossip, drink till you choke/sip the gossip, burn down your throat 5. Don't Be Nice - Watsky false modesty is a guilty habit/some people simply have it/but the fact is i would not have spent a decade doing this/if i did not believe i was at least a tiny bit ridiculously filthy at it 6. JEKYLL & HIDE - Bishop Briggs sweet and then you're sour/changes by the hour/never know which one i'll taste 7. End of It - Friday Pilots Club it's cruel you know/the way they've been treating you lately/get you real messed up on the daily 8. Nowhere Kid - Des Rocs inside of a maze you hide away/where nobody cares who you are/caught in a lie you can't escape 9. All For Us - Labrinth, Zendaya guess you figured my two times two/always equates to one/dreamers are selfish -- i'm taking it all for us, all/doing it all for love 10. Cruel Devotion - Night Club do you want me? tell me true/on my knees and now i'm begging you/loving you is such a cruel devotion 11. Who Are You, Really? - Mikky Ekko i have nothing left to prove/cause i have nothing left to lose/see me bare my teeth for you/who, who are you? 12. Heartbreak Feels So Good - Fall Out Boy is there a word for a bad miracle?/nobody said the road was endless/nobody said the climb was friendless 13. Some People - Dan Mangan cause it's too easy to be righteous when you eat what you've been fed/some people don't question what they've read/some people should 14. SELF-SABOTAGE - Waterparks i'll self sabotage/if you like when we talk i'll dislocate my jaw/what the fuck is wrong with me 15. Matches - Huxlxy bring me the ashes/set me alight/i'd rather burn than say goodbye 16. SICK - Chandler Leighton never let anyone see your guard down/too proud, just stop, keep my frozen/iced out, i'm six feet underground 17. Black Wave - K. Flay shaking in my own cage/what do i believe? i believe/waiting on a black wave/living under bad days 18. Middle Finger - Bohnes you show me love and then spit in my face/making your money off all of my pain 19. still feel. - half-alive when i'm furthest from myself/feeling closer to the stars/i've been invaded by the dark/trying to recognize myself when i feel i've been replaced 20. Rather Die - Barns Courtney i came to kill 'em, now i'm/wipin' the spit from my eyes/i take a beating but i/i'll never give up 21. Lake Effect Kid - Fall Out Boy oh i've got the skyline in my veins, forget your night time/sumer love on a gurney with a squeaky wheel/and joke us, joke us til Lakeshore Drive comes back into focus/i just wanna come back to life 22. Stronger - Kanye West n-now-now that, that don't kill me/can only make my stronger -- do anybody make real shit anymore?/bow in the presence of greatness/cause right now thou hast forsaken us 23. Bulletproof - La Roux, GAMPER & DADONI i won't let you turn around/and tell me now i'm much too proud/all you do is fill me up with doubt/this time, baby, i'll be bulletproof 24. What Do You Want - Nico Vega you can go ahead and hate me/for bringing in news, but you could still choose/ain't going to be a party/but you turn it all down, down, down/say, what do you want?/what do you want from me? 25. I'm Gonna Win - Rob Cantor you've seen me before, you'll see me again 26. Hero - Martin Harrix, JVKE

a thousand voices whisper noise/they plan my fall from grace/whoa-oh, i know/you say you want a hero, you don’t

[oswlld]

oswlld's monthly wrap up: march

note: i am trying something a bit different this year, so bear with me as i figure out how i want to format this. i wanted to spend more time sharing what i consume, beyond what i rb, and put my thoughts in one place. these posts are okay to rb

--

When We Cease to Understand the World, Benjamín Labatut [started 02/24, finished 03/14] What an outstanding example of blurring the lines between fiction and reality. I am content in never knowing what’s real and imaginary in the lives of these people. May we never forget that for every new idea challenged, there is a real person with real emotions and motivations behind it. 4.25⭐️ in storygraph. — No Stopping Us Now: A History of Older Women in America, Gail Collins [started 03/03, finished 03/30] This book makes some strong points, but comes off weak in its execution. By having it be told decade by decade, it becomes hard to follow along when so many names and events are being tossed around. Without a firm thread tying all the themes together, the achievements ended up feeling lackluster when it should leave you feeling a sense of pride and hopefulness. 3.25⭐️ in storygraph (I rounded up, but it feels more like a 3.15)

23.5 Degrees, GMMTV [started: 03/08, ongoing] What a breath of fresh air!! With my busy schedule, I managed to catch the first two eps and I’ve loved every minute of it. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, while still keeping a tight grip on its sense of identity. The series soaks up every aspect of its space theme like a sponge. Content specifically made for me, tysm! As much as I have tried refraining from consuming more high school settings, I couldn’t help but be enamored by what I have seen so far. I have paused this series for now, but hopefully I’ll be caught up before the end of April. I should be able to watch it live on Fridays in May. Until then, I will miss them dearly! — Always a Witch, Netflix [started 03/28, in progress] At this time, I have only seen episodes 1-5. So far, it’s a very straight-forward series. I am restraining myself from calling it predictable, because there are one or two things that really turns some tropes/themes on its head. But all-in-all, I am still waiting for this show to grab me. For a show that checks all the boxes that really makes a core jessi show, a series with time travel, magical realism, and found family, it has yet to completely sweep me away. Time really got away from me this month, but I will finish this series sometime in the next two weeks. We shall see if the latter half gets better.

Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour (Taylor’s Version) [watched 03/15 thru 03/18] I have seen this live and did see the original film in theaters last year, so this experience was more of a rewatch. This time around, my parents wanted to watch some of it with me so we made a whole evening of it on 3/15 so that was really neat. I will be traveling a lot in April and will be taking an audio copy of this to keep me entertained. — Oscar Nomination Season [started 02/17, ended 03/24] All of my initial reactions of what I managed to cover this Oscar season is in this post. Some of the strongest categories I have had the pleasure of covering this year were the Best Documentary (feature), Best Production Design, Best Live Action Short, Best Documentary (short), and Best Animated Film. I have several more films to tackle later this year, but my overall impression this Oscar season was just alright. One or two films have hit an extremely high note for me, but no worst of the worst.

BEYONCÉ, Beyoncé [relistening] During the pandemic, I really got into waching YT reaction channels reacting to full albums. One of my favorites is HTHaze and he is only beginning his listening journey through Beyoncé’s discography (yes, for the first time!) His reaction to Beyoncé’s self-titled made me want to relisten to it in full for the first time in years. I tend to only revisit a few songs through the years, but I do love going back to albums after time has past to recontextualize everything all over again. I’ve had my longtime faves from my 20’s but in my mid-30’s, the songs that hit harder now are: Pretty Hurts, Haunted, and Jealous. — Bewitched, Laufey [first time listening] The same YT channel got me to listen to this album. I am guilty in having my first listen be through his video first before diving into her album properly. With that said, the brain rot went FULL ROT. I love LOVE her compositions. Having learned from her Tiny Desk that getting a grand piano influenced the way she wrote her songs makes the whole conception so much grander. Her voice is soooo, it’s SOOOOO !!!!!!! I read a comment somewhere that her dream is to rejuvenate jazz the same way Taylor Swift did with country for a younger generation and that really spoke to me. I truly believe she is heading in the right direction in achieving that. My favorite run of songs goes from: Haunted, Must Be Love, While You Were Sleeping, Lovesick, California and Me, Nocturne (Interlude), and Promise. Those seven songs in that succession is so GOOD, ahH! — Once the Musical [relistening] Every spring, I fall into a Once spiral and it just gets deeper and deeper. This time though, I only tackled the core faves on YT rather than committing to the full audio (w/ Arthur Darvill and Joanna Christie). Although Arthur Darvill’s Leave will forever solidify his Guy as my Guy, Declan Bennett is The Guy of Guys for me. My mandatory relistening experience always goes: Arthur’s Leave, Arthur’s Say It To Me Now, Declan’s Say It To Me Now, Declan’s When Your Mind’s Made Up, Zrinka's If You Want Me, Once’s Spotify Jam Session. And it would all be on a loop lol. — Cowboy Carter, Beyoncé [first time listening] This is still fresh in my mind, having only listened to it in its entirety once through. My first impression is that it’s one of her most cohesive albums to date. Having had the first taste of what she would eventually achieve all the way back with Lemonade and The Gift, Cowboy Carter feels like a natural progression in her discography. I don’t have a top songs list to provide at this time, as I would need more time with the album. Fav songs come with time. Although, I did listen to 16 CARRIAGES when it was released several weeks ago and I knew then it would be a spectacular album. What a phenomenal single to lead a phenomenal homecoming.

Where’d You Go Bernadette, written by Maria Semple and narrated by Kathleen Wilhoite [started 03/22, finished 03/29] I… I didn’t like this. And that’s alright. Even if I didn’t like the premise or the characters, I did enjoy the format of the narrative and the narrator (especially her singing!!). But in the end, this was just not meant for me.

—

As it is still March when I am writing this, I wanted to endcap Women’s Month with a special shoutout to two women in my life that have been working with me to improve my overall well-being: Wendy (personal trainer) and Sofia (life coach). I am in a better headspace because of the work and trust they have in me to build a life I want. I cannot wait to see what I am capable of this time next year.

[mycatsaidno]

October 23, 2023

Why do I have a tent in my apartment?

You know how people can lucid dream? I feel like I can lucid live. I don't mean I am always happy or floating about. I mean, once in a while, I stop putting expectations on myself. I allow myself to do whatever weird thought I have, like, setting up my tent inside.

I have spent so many years unable to relax, always moving around, physically and mentally. But after my Dad died and I moved to Missouri, I finally understood something I was missing: sense of home.

Normal people can go to their home town and point out a house and say " That's the home I grew up in". But, I have a list of houses I lived in. I don't think I grew up till now.

Eventually my Dad figured it out and we stayed at the same house during my high school years. But the fear of knowing it might not be permanent stuck with me. He died in that house.

I don't necessarily love Missouri; I don't like the politics and I miss the beach. But New York was never going to allow me the space I needed to just survive. After the pandemic, forget it.

My New York experience ranged from dorm rooms, shared rooms, private rooms, renting a room from my Dad, apartments with boyfriends, apartments separated by thin walls, living with family, friends and coworkers.

Between all the instability, I finally decided the only way I was going to live the way I wanted is to stop involving other people or industry into my housing. I don't want roommates, I don't want private landlords, I don't want to live with friends, family, or lovers. Just me, and my cats.

I have lived in Missouri for two years now and although I still struggle, I go home to the same place. I used to only own things I could easily throw into my car but now I have full furniture sets. I own my own couch. I have a queen size bed and I can use every blanket if I want. The only person I have to clean up after is myself, and everything is where I left it. I can cook without having to share or explain what I'm making. I can be naked and dance, or not say a single word all day. I can just exist.

I previously said in my welcome post that I am not diagnosed but I feel part of the neurodivergent crowd. The freedom I have gained has really amplified some of what I guess a doctor would call symptoms. But today is my day off.

I have stopped and started at least 4 different projects that I won't finish. I randomly made an OfferUp to try to sell some things. I have lists floating around on various tables. I keep forgetting to refill my coffee even though I have tried to drink my empty cup 3 times. The oat milk is left out and my garbage can still doesn't have a bag in it. I thought about checking my mail at 8am, and now it's 1pm. I have 17 different things swirling in my brain and I hope I remember to write it all down.

But it's okay, because for the first time in my life I am my own judge and jury. I don't have anxiety that my roommate is going to judge me. I don't have to worry someone is going to yell at me for the garbage bag missing or that the AC is on. Nobody is arguing with their girlfriend outside my room and I'm afraid to go to the kitchen.

And that is why I have a tent set up in my apartment.

[pomefioredove]

Okay I read the match up thing 3 times so I am 90% sure I'm doing this right. You want a good amount of info right? Well here you go I listed everything I thought of that would describe me and maybe affect a relationship.

Personality

It depends on who you ask but the usual summary is really nice, considerate, sweet, smart and helpful. Also being described as innocent and sheltered because I miss out on social cues, have never smoke or vaped, haven't had a partner or my first kiss, never got in trouble an am not allowed the house without some adult with me despite being 17. I only recently got permission to walk to the seven eleven across the street only with a friend. Despite all this I'm not completely clueless and have a dark sence of humor and a bunch of sarcasm used for comedy and am not bothered by cursing whatsoever in others or myself.

It depends on who I'm with but my attitude can vary like if I'm around people I'm not familiar or comfortable with I get quiet but when I'm with friends and chosen family I can get really talkative especially about my interests, though I am a introvert so any social interaction wears me down.

When it comes to confrontation regarding myself I tend to stay away as much as possible even if something bothers me if it's something I don't see as a big deal to "keep the peace". But when it comes others I'm much more willing to back them up in their confrontation or even confront someone for them if need be.

Alot of people have done those relationship tests on random people and friends, I didn't know what they were until after the test but I apparently passes the orange one?

I've also been told multiple times that I passed the "bird test" but I don't know what that is and haven't had time to Google it because I forget I don't know if it's important but I figured I'd mention it just in cade.

I like giving out random gifts to people I know and go to school with. It's usually something that reminds me of them, that suits their taste, or a craft I made that I thought they would like.

I kinda struggle sometimes with maintaining relationships that I develope in person especially when I'm not seeing them often and can sometimes like dissappear for anywhere from 2 days to a week just randomly with no warning.

Interests

My latest is origami flowers and I like making them and giving random small bouquets to people that would like them or look like they have had a rough day.

Though I love movies and i can eve. Quote and act most of the ones i like and love Easter eggs.

I write a whole bunch two especially for fandoms in involved in and have multiple pages that are dedicated for one fandom that get long 6,000 word stories every week

I love videos games, I wouldn't say that I'm a gamer cause I don't have near enough time committed or games, but I'm really good in combat games like Super Mario and Mortal combat, I also like RPGs, Games like Mr. Tomato and Ms Lemon, I am average at any kind of games like Fortnight because I'm not good at any weapon that needs to aim like guns and arrows when I need to shoot from afar but I'm really good at close combat, and good at being support and can usually manage to stay alive. I'm also really good at board games which I win at alot and card games. I don't usually have much of a temper but with games can get pretty heated sometimes.

I do a lot of crafts, like soap making, candle making, cross stitching and love cooking and baking.

I love reading as well and have been known to go through five books in the span three days

Life Style

I'm usually decent about picking up after myself and my crafts, meaning no trash in my room but because of all my hobbies there is always a bunch of clutter that I'm not bothered by and sort of organize a little to make it look decent keep the peace.

Alot of days I don't have the energy to do much other then watch movies or play video games and just hang around the house most of the time. On the few days I do have to go out that's usually when I get all my work done because I feel more productive getting one to two weeks worth of work done in a day in between talking to people and whatever favors and tasks teachers give me.

At school I'm known as sort of the go to if you need a favor or any help with schoolwork even the classes I'm not in because I have a bunch of ideas, know a lot about random stuff and when I don't know I am able to look up good material to source.

When I come home honey from those days I usually just eat and then go to bed afterwards.

I love warmth, warm showers, warm close and physical affection. I don't get much of that and am a bit touch starved but make up for it with long hot showers and usually sleeping with a heating pad.

I tend to stay up very late most nights and only go to bed at a decent time like 11 when I have to go places the next day. I'm not loud when I stay up though it's usually me listening to music through headphones and writing, reading, or playing games.

I don't know

Background

I've recently realized my childhood was not healthy at all.

My parents were divorced by 5 and because of my dad having custody bur working late night shifts and I was left with my grandmother who homeschooled me. She had Ptsd, depression, and Biolar and should not have been left to cars for me.

I would be screamed at constantly for things that she was stressed about and couldn't control and was repeatedly told the story of my parents divorce ans how my mom legally abandoned me and didn't want me.

She would have random breakdown and panic attacks and every time I tried to console her would tense up and start yelling at me causing me to be really akward now when people get upset.

She constantly guilt trips and gaslight me and my sister even now ans combined with how my dad is a bit of a compulsive liar makes me second guess alot of what people say.

My dad was also a alcoholic and used to constantly pick fights with us, their combined behavior made me really anxious and I realized that I have anxiety because of them, at the time it was so bad I would get mine panic attacks sometimes just at the mention of going to their house. My anxiety was so bad that I threw up alot ans developed a fear of getting sick like that so I stopped eating as much as I should back then leading me to lose 50 pounds.

Now I'm much better, my dad is clean and a muc better person and we have made up but my grandmother is just as bad. My anxiety gets really bad sometimes still and in those days I lay down with my heating pad until I no longer feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't know why exactly but the heat helps. I also have a very crappie memory and can remember basically nothing till age 15 and even then those are spotty.

You probably didn't need that last bit but tldr: I am not completly mentally stable but am willing to learn and grow and change.

(No jack or Leona please I just want see myself getting along with them.)

I match you with 𝐀𝐳𝐮𝐥 𝐀𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐨

The First Impression:

Azul first sees you as a threat to his business. No, really! Here you are, being all nice, offering help and doing favors for the other students for free... it doesn't matter how nice or innocent you seem, he'd be naive to underestimate you.

Why He Fell:

...Well, he's partially correct. You're definitely not as innocent as others take you for, so much becomes apparent when he hears you crack a joke for the first time. But you aren't a liar; the whole "nice and helpful" thing is genuine, and what's more is you're smart; you pick your battles, you avoid getting taken advantage of, and you're actually quite efficient and handy.

So, while you may not be a threat to him, Azul still thinks you're worth keeping around.

You grow closer over board games and long conversations. You're almost as good as him (maybe even more so, but he'd never admit that aloud) and Azul loves a good challenge, after all. Over time you both open up about your pasts and your anxieties, and he begins sharing things he never thought he would be able to. It's a comfortable, quiet sort of thing.

The Relationship:

Azul feels important with you.

Not for what he can do or what he can offer, but because he's him, and you like him (he hopes). The first time you make him a gift, he's genuinely confused. He tries to pay you, and when you don't accept, he spends an entire week thinking of ways to make it up to you. It almost becomes a little tradition, doing nice things for one another.

He's able to carve out multiple times in his week to dedicate to you. Azul is surprisingly good at finding the perfect balance between needing recharge time and needing to see each other, and the structure actually works well. Expect lots and lots of physical affection when you get to that point; Azul has been touch-starved for his entire life, after all, and he'll gladly share warmth with you.

[gillie266]

Yeein' On That 'Haw Ch. 17-- Wireless

It was bright– agonizingly bright. But it wasn’t blue this time, rather a beautiful, blinding ivory. White light enveloped all I could see, hear, and feel. It was warm and numbing, and it made me forget what having a form felt like. I was just… energy in a void. And, quite honestly, it wasn’t all that bad. 

Sensation returned when I felt something shatter against my skin, followed by my body being dumped onto some sort of surface. Thankfully, I managed to remain conscious, but I still had no idea where I was. I opened my eyes–

…Wait, eyes?

I hadn’t gone crazy. And I hadn’t been dreaming. I lifted my hands to my face and found skin, eyes, lips– all mine and all very real. I felt myself begin to hyperventilate, my chest heaving as I processed my surroundings. I was in a somewhat cramped room, ugly wallpaper decorating the walls and horribly complimenting the oddly moist yellow carpet that had begun to mold and deteriorate. Dusty, ancient arcade cabinets lined the walls, yearning to be plugged in one last time.  

…Holy fuck. I was back in that vintage tech museum. The last place I existed in my original universe, before I was taken into that machine. I somehow managed to get out. 

“...(Y/N)?” I heard a familiar stunned voice emit from behind me.

I turned my head and regretted it when my vision swirled uncomfortably. But there, next to a battered arcade cabinet, wielding a wrench as if it were a baseball bat, was a tall, dark-haired woman. Vi. I silently stared at her for a long, awkward moment before gathering the courage to speak with my human mouth. “Am… Am I alive?” 

Vi sighed in pure, abject relief and closed the distance between us before kneeling and yanking me into a hug. “Dude, holy shit, I thought you were dead! I thought I had gone crazy while messing with the arcade machine, I didn’t think it would actually work!” 

Once she was done squeezing all of the air out of my lungs, Vi pulled away, eyes wet with tears. They didn’t spill over, though. Looking at her, I realized how much she had changed. Time hadn’t stopped while I was in that machine. Her skin had become somehow paler, even sickly, her hair less neatly trimmed, and there was an unmistakable dullness to her gaze that confused me to no end. Additionally, there was a long, thin scar that stretched across the length of her throat. Weird. 

Countless questions swirled in my mind, but I somehow managed to settle on the most basic one. “Vi, what… happened?” 

The dark-haired girl managed to catch her breath and sit back on her heels to respond to me. “I-I’m not entirely sure, I put your name into the game, and I think it was like, cursed or something, so it sucked you up.” She reached out to grip my shoulders. “I’m so sorry I left you in there for so long, I–... I kind of got into a high-speed, life-endagering police chase that didn’t end well. I’ve been in prison for like, two years.” 

I could hardly process what she was saying. It was all too much. What had happened to Dialtown? What… What had happened to Norm? “...Prison? Really?” 

Vi frowned. “Well, I wasn’t exactly equipped to run away from like three squad cars without killing somebody. I almost killed myself, dude, it was… honestly pretty rad.” She deflated with a sigh. “But yeah, prison sucked. I couldn’t really figure out what had happened to you while I was in a nine-by-five cell with a crazy lady named Rootin’ Tootin’ Rosemary.” I saw her visibly shudder, but I couldn’t help but wonder if she was being serious. She had a tendency to make things up on the spot like that, regardless of whether or not they were true. 

Okay. Wow. Um. I lifted a hand to press against my sweaty forehead. “No, no, I get it, I– I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything to help you out, but… yeah, you were right. I was inside of the arcade machine.” I stared at the battered cabinet over her shoulder. “I would tell you about the details, but I feel like my head is about to explode. Can you, like, take me to a hospital? I want to make sure I don’t have any malevolent tumors.”

She paused, gaze contemplative, before wincing. “About that…” She droned, guilt encompassing her expression. “You’re kind of a wanted criminal. And legally considered missing. If I were to take you to any kind of government facility, you would… probably be arrested instantly. Then I would be arrested for associating with you.” Her expression hardened. “And I don’t want to go anywhere near a correctional facility again.” 

I couldn’t help but laugh incredulously. This whole situation was completely ridiculous. I was legally missing, a wanted criminal, and probably about to keel over and die of shock. “I don’t know why I’m not surprised,” I muttered. “Instead, can you take me… anywhere but here? I want to get as far away from that machine as possible.”

“You got it,” Vi pushed herself to her feet and extended a hand to help me up, which I gratefully took. The shift of my weight caused me to stumble, but I somehow kept my balance even though my head felt light as a feather. I used Vi’s arm to stabilize myself and we carefully made our way out of the seemingly abandoned museum to her car. 

Ꚛ

I wasn’t hearing anything Vi was saying. Her words, along with the ambient sounds of her apartment, seemed completely muffled. All I could do was stare down at the glass of water I held in my trembling hands, knuckles white. 

I had somehow managed to make it back to my original universe. Making it back home had been my only wish for two years, so why did I feel so… empty? Incomplete? It felt like a part of me was missing– like I had just completed a puzzle and found that one piece had been removed from the box. That saturated disappointment mixed with a little bit of rage–

“(Y/N)?” Vi’s voice jolted me back to my senses. “Are you okay?” 

My gaze shot up from my glass, finding that Vi had ceased her anxious busywork to look at me with a worried expression on her face. My mouth hung agape for a moment before I assured her “Yeah, yeah, I’m listening.” I was still getting used to using my mouth to speak, rather than just… willing sound to come out of a speaker. 

I watched as Vi tilted her head and made a face that told me of her disbelief. She then continued her busywork, which consisted of wiping down her kitchen counters that had already been wiped four times. “But, yeah, I was saying, we might be able to get our hands on a fake ID and get you out of the state before…”

Her words faded into the background once again. I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened with Norm. Hell, I was still processing the fact that I had fallen in love with a fucking space cowboy from a video game. What if it was all a dream? Or… Or I was in a coma or something? That wouldn’t explain how two years passed without anyone finding my body, I was literally inside of the arcade cabinet! I kept trying to rationalize the impossible. It all felt so… real. It couldn’t have just been a dream! 

…Maybe I didn’t want it to have been a dream. 

“Okay, dude, you look like you’re on the verge of throwing up, curling into a ball and weeping, or both.” Across the room, Vi folded her arms across her chest. “You never told me what happened while you were in there. Are you, like… traumatized or something? If you are, I know a really good therapist who probably won’t tattle on us–”

I interrupted her. “No, no, I’m not… traumatized, I’m just still, y’know, trying to process the fact that I’m here.” I added under my breath “And that I’m alive.” I didn’t say it aloud, but I was also wondering what happened to the rest of the people– I mean, NPCs– in Dialtown. Did they die? Did everything reset once I got out? Why was I suddenly feeling homesick for a place that wasn’t my home?

Vi let out a harsh breath before approaching me. She took a seat next to me on her shitty leather couch and leaned back against the cushions. She gave me the same look that my mom used to give me before we had a serious talk– a look that immediately made me worry about what she was going to say. “Listen, (Y/N), I don’t know what happened to you in there. All I know is that you’re here now, and I have to get you somewhere where you won’t be arrested and rot in prison.” Her voice lowered to something vulnerable that I wasn’t used to hearing from her. “It’s been lonely as shit out here since you disappeared. I can’t lose you again, man.”

My heart sank. While I certainly missed my friends and family while I was in that machine, I never quite processed that they might have missed me as well. Suddenly, the homesickness I felt for Dialtown felt bitter– wrong. I only silently stared at Vi for a moment before looking down at my lap. At my worn jeans that I had apparently ben wearing for two years and some change. Maybe changing clothes was a good idea. “Hey, Vi?” I began, causing her to tilt her head in acknowledgement. I leaned forward so I could set my still-full glass of water on the battered coffee table that rested in front of us. “I think it’s best that I tell you what went down in there.” 

Ꚛ

It had been an hour. An hour spent yapping to Vi about what my life had been like for the two years we hadn’t seen each other. Of course, I omitted some information, but I simply had to tell her about Norm. We basically told each other everything, I wasn’t going to leave out the fact that I wound up kissin’ a fictional space cowboy and then instantly died. 

She made a mildly disgusted face. “Dude, I didn’t need to hear about the smoochin’. Normally I would love to hear about your love life, but… Im still a little confused about the whole ‘shooting a cat dead’ thing.” 

I shrugged nonchalantly, trying to act like I wasn’t still overwhelmed by it myself. “It’s important to the story.” 

“Yeah, alright, I believe you,” she waved a hand dismissively before pressing her hand against her forehead. “Christ. All of that happened while you were in there? I feel like I just listened to an audiobook. That is to say I barely processed any of it other than the very end. And the parts about the manic imp-child.” 

“Yeah, all of that happened. I know, it’s… absolutely fuckin’ insane, but I’m pretty sure we’ve both had the revelation that anything related to that cabinet is insane,” I muttered, gesturing leisurely with my hands as if I were talking about something completely normal and not a seemingly magical arcade cabinet that I had been stuck inside of for two years. 

Vi only nodded solemnly before lifting a hand to pat my shoulder a bit too firmly for comfort. “Thanks for telling me all this. I’m not sure I can ever really understand how you felt about that world and the people in it, but I can try to make you feel better about leaving them behind, right?” She retracted her hand and shoved it into her pocket, heaving a sigh. “I know you’re probably still grappling with the fact that the world you lived in for two whole years is gone–”

“Wait,” I interrupted her, holding up a hand to shut her up. “Gone?” 

She furrowed her eyebrows at me, likely annoyed at the fact that I interrupted her. “Yeah, gone. I beat up the machine with a wrench– it was the only way I found to get you out of there. I hit some weird boxes, and they wound up corrupting the save files.” When I only stared at her, she threw up her hands in confusion. “...What? I’m not good with computers, especially not ancient ones that look like they’ll explode if I look at ‘em wrong.”

My gaze trailed downward to stare at the ground. She corrupted my save file. That meant that… all of the work I had done to learn about the people and places in Dialtown, murdering the Mayor, bonding with Norm… it was all gone. Everything I had accomplished, destroyed in an instant. 

It was odd. I had been telling myself for years that I didn’t care about that dumb arcade game universe. It wasn’t my original reality, so why should I have cared about it if I wasn’t going to be there for long? Nobody in it was real, they were all just code that was programmed to act a certain way. But when Vi told me that it was all gone… I felt a strange, almost guilty twisting in my stomach. Like my entire being sagged. None of it meant anything in the end. I might as well have been in a coma this whole time.

Vi snapped me out of my dazed stupor. She had stopped talking, and when I looked over at her, I recognized sheer guilt flooding her features. “(Y/N)?” She began meekly. “Did I fuck up?”

“Can I be honest?” I leaned forward to rest my chin on my hands. She nodded, and I let out a long exhale. “...Yeah. You kinda did.” 

She laughed nervously, eyes darting back and forth. “Well, shit. Your dumb ass got attached to that place, didn’t you? And I destroyed everything that you did.” She sighed and pressed her hands against her face. “Oh, god, I’m so sorry, (Y/N). I was so selfish–...”

As she continued to apologize profusely, I continued staring down at the floor. I’m back at home, with my best friend– it’s all I’ve wanted ever since I got sucked into that machine. But it all felt completely wrong. Did I really get so attached to that other universe that being back home felt completely foreign? What in the hell happened to me? 

…Was this really where I wanted to be?

Now that I thought about it, when I was speaking with Norm after murdering the Mayor, he seemed somewhat reluctant to help me return to my home universe. And in that moment, I was ready to stay there– in Dialtown– with him. If I was able to offer that to him without remorse, then… 

I swallowed and looked up at Vi, causing her to cease her anxious rambling. “Vi, just… shut up for a second.” I took a breath and leaned toward her, expression flat and as serious as I could make it. “You’re my friend, right?”

“What kind of question is that?” She raised an eyebrow. “No, I hate your guts– of course I’m your friend.” 

“So, purely hypothetically, if I were to want to go back inside of the arcade machine… would you be okay with it?” I glanced to the side and winced. “Even after all the time you spent trying to get me out of it?” I waved my hands dismissively. “Purely hypothetically, of course.” 

Vi frowned. “That depends.”

“Hypothetically, if I were to miss somebody in there, and wanted to keep spending time with them…” I trailed off. 

She fell silent. I watched as her contemplative gaze fixed on the shitty rug in the middle of her living room. When she finally spoke again, she didn’t look at me. “...Hypothetically, if it was what you were sure you wanted, I would want you to do what would make you happy. I wouldn’t force you to stay somewhere you felt unhappy.” She paused. “Hypothetically.” 

I nodded. “And… in this hypothetical scenario, would you help me get back there?” 

“Alright, this is stupid,” Vi threw her hands up in the air. “Yes, I’ll help you get back there. If it’s what you really want, then I want you to be happy and feel like you belong somewhere. If this universe isn’t where you belong… then yes, I’ll help you.”

“Oh, thank Phone-God, I was worried you actually thought I was being hypothetical.” I sighed in relief, pressing a hand against my chest. “Do you actually not mind all your work going to waste?” 

“Dude, I don’t think you understand how little I care,” Vi muttered exasperatedly. “Go ahead and kiss a space cowboy or whatever. I won’t judge.” She furrowed her eyebrows. “Actually, I’ll definitely judge, but not out loud.” 

I shot up from my seated position on the couch, stretching my arms above my head. “Okay, then let’s get started!” 

“Right now?” She made a face. “You’re not gonna, like… relax or something? Enjoy having a face?”

“No time like the present– I’ll reimburse you for the gas money.” I grinned with my human mouth, prompting Vi to sigh. 

“Whatever,” she stood achingly slowly, then paused to look at me. “Also, Phone-God? Really?” 

I realized that I had, in fact, said ‘Phone-God,’ then cringed at myself. “Sorry, that’s how they referred to it.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “They really got to me, didn’t they?”

[ren-from-mars]

The awaited shrink plastic earring walkthrough (NOT A TUTORIAL!! DO SOME OF YOUR OWN RESEARCH PLEASE)

Hello hi hello! I've made a few pairs of earrings now, and especially on the Black Book pair I've gotten a few folks asking for instructions on how I did it!

The images are sorted by number so I could fit them all in one post. I am also still very much learning as I have only made a few of these myself, so please do your own experimentation and research to better understand the processes!

Let's get right into it !

I start by making up the rough idea in the size I would like the finished product. This will be my reference for all measurements.

I then use my shrink ruler (a 10cm by 10cm square with markings, then shrunk for a fairly accurate translation of size) to figure out the rough dimensions of the un-shrunk design.

I use the centimeter measurement to draft the rough size and shape of the design.

Connect the lines together with each measurement.

5. Make the design more fluid/more alike the original design based on the drafted shape.

6. Repeat the same for any extra shapes. The moon circles needed a 2cm diameter.

7. Place the shrink plastic over the design, and trace the rough shape onto it using any form of marker. non-permanent is preferred.

8. Lay out the pieces, and dont forget to flip the designs if applicable.

9. Start transferring the design onto the shrink plastic using the markers of your choice. Hold the cut plastic over the template to get accurate markings.

10. Wait for the marker to dry around the edges of the design before doing the next colour. This applies no matter what sort of marker you are using.

11. To get mirrored designs, finish one and flip it over, then use that as the new template.

12. finish the pieces, and add back designs if applicable. Use a hole punch to make space for the jump rings.

13. Shrinking time! use a heat gun to shrink the plastic according to its attached instructions. Be careful of heating up metal/pliers/tweezers, they get Very Hot Very Quick

14. I use UV resin to set in the design. I use a toothpick to spread the resin, then cure it under the UV light. Refer to individual product instructions for curing time, it varies heavily!

15. Gather and assemble any extra pieces, such as beads, jump rings, earring posts, and base pieces.

16. place two pieces on an opened jump ring, then close it to lock in the positioning. Make sure the pieces are in the right direction!

--Not pictured- Glue the earring posts on the back of the earring. Not applicable with hook earrings

17. do the same for the bottom pieces, once again ensuring they face in the correct direction. Jump rings can be undone, but it weakens the metal to be constantly bent.

18. Display and wear!

And the finished Product!

Once again, do some of your own research, This is mostly just my personal guide for how I make earrings currently! The same logic can be applied to charms.

A few things I have learnt-

Use permanent marker where possible. Paint pens like the ones I have used will shrink unnaturally, and crack on the surface meaning it is even more necessary to seal the design.

Make your own test square- different brands of shrink plastic will shrink differently, at different ratios and sometimes unnaturally. It is also a good opportunity to test how your markers work on the plastic, and which thicknesses are best for fine details.

Don't expect them to turn out the same each time- If you are making multiple of one design, remember that it is by hand and not a perfect manufactured piece. There will always be variations, so go into it with that knowledge.

Use each pair as a learning experience- Now that I've made this design, I know that I would like the wings to be larger by about a centimeter, so I will adjust the template before making a new one. Always learn something new from it!

Feel free to ask any questions, I am more than happy to answer! I do hope to sell some earrings in the future, so keep an eye out for that as well!

REQUESTED TAGS! @im-not-a-l0ser @strangeandinteresting

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Jen 💜 I was wondering if you had any advice on how to start living for yourself instead of for other people. I’m realizing this is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life, and I’m not sure how to figure out what I like and what makes me happy, because for so long my standard has been “what do other people want from me? What do other people think is impressive?” I spend my high school and college years trying to measure up to my best friend, and now, after a rough breakup, I find myself trying to compete with my ex. Even though we’re not in contact and I don’t follow her online anymore, I still have this persistent feeling of her judgment in my mind whenever I do (or don’t do) anything. I feel the need to compare myself and my progress to her life even though I’m realizing that I don’t actually want to do the things she’s doing. But I feel like just being me isn’t enough, you know? Sorry, I feel like this may be kind of vague and rambling, haha.

I think a lot of us feel this to some extent or another. I needed to, first and foremost, learn to say “no” when I don’t want to do something. It really starts with being honest with myself. Am I saying “yes” because something is appealing to me or even because I know I can offer help and that will make me feel good OR am I saying “yes” to avoid being seen as rude or mean?   

Often I found myself either saying “yes” or passively agreeing to something because I thought it was the response expected of me and to say “no” would allow another person to suffer. Most of the time we all are willing to do something to alleviate the pain or fear of others but  I had to learn to weigh the consequences to my own health and life. (financial, emotional, physical etc.) 

Once I was coming out of a 17 year relationship I realized I had based much of the trajectory of my life on what I thought she needed/wanted and what was expected of me as a parent and a partner to another woman. I had to drastically rethink my life because after about a year apart I was still doing the same things and every move I made seemed dependent on what she would think, how she would react or what societal expectations. I had never wanted to be a mom and I certainly did not want to be a mom in the way I thought others wanted me to be a mom. 

I literally sat down one day and penned out my parenting style as opposed to what I was doing. In one column it was “I would do it this way” and in another was “I do it this way” and after each was a “because” column.  SO  I would “tell my kid they can’t have the candy and explain it is too much money” BECAUSE “I want them to know the truth and money is tight” And then I would reflect on how I had been handling things “I would tell them NO to the candy” and be upset because I was stressed I could not afford it BECAUSE “My wife would tell me it was mean to tell kids we don’t have enough money since it makes them feel like we are poor”. 

It did not take too much of this exercise to realize many of my reactions were,  more often than not, a proactive reaction to how I knew OR thought another person would react to my decision. Predicting a  reaction is one thing that we need to be able to get along with others and live in a social world. Restructuring our entire way of handling every situation to appease others is not healthy if it is a constant restraint we have to be aware of just to live day to day. When we have to expend the mental energy to make sure each action and decision will not cause us conflict with those in our lives we need to rethink the people we are “answering to” Are these the people we need around us if we find ourselves going against every instinct we have to just function?  

I discovered that my constant effort to define my actions by the parameters others were setting on me was exhausting. We all have to make some concessions to be part of groups but when we give up our natural way of handling situations to control the judgment of others we can forget that we are capable of handling things our own way. AND, in the end, we can’t control the actions of others anyway. 

This is all sort of the preamble to the idea that we base our success on what others see as success. Good parents are “seen” a certain way. Good employees “act” a certain way. Success is money, things, vacations, long term relationships and on and on. Our social structure is set up to reward these things that are “the dream life” but whose dream?   You need to figure out what truly gives you happiness. Is it money? Tropical vacations? Or is it a job you have that you love but aren’t “supposed” to do because it isn’t fancy or glorified by the media?  Some people that work at gas stations make a living wage, get benefits and love the daily interactions with regulars they have formed relationships with yet they are constantly told they need to “move up” or that what they do is not important or fulfilling. Is it less work and more time with your friends? Is it evenings at home with your dog? 

You are enough. And what you enjoy is enough. If you can pay your bills, take care of yourself and live within the means you have decided to earn, that is success. Adding fulfillment and happiness to that is icing on the cake. When we are with a partner or friends we often do things we don’t necessarily enjoy but being with them makes it worth it. When we are on our own time we can decide for ourselves and that freedom can feel pretty nice.

[pierrotwrites-hc]

ok so this is probably gonna be weirdly specific but. ages ago, when i read the previous version of tgb, i seem to remember an author's note that said you rewrote an even earlier version of the story to make luca less like yourself & more into his own character (or something along those lines, it was a very long time ago). would you ever elaborate on what that meant? from what i understand you have been working on tgb for a really long time and even if i misremember that note, your writing process facinates me. i only read the version that was previously published on ao3 and the current one is definitely better but i'd love to hear what the rewriting process was like, as it apparently wasn't the first time you'd done it? huge fan of your work, i hope you have the best day :)

HA we are actually on the...*drumroll*...third revision of this story.

The first version was only a few chapters posted on the orig_slavefic community on Livejournal (shoutout to @maculategiraffe). I was still working out the sort of story I wanted to write and took an everything-and-the-kitchen-sink approach, which meant there was MAGIC and DEMONS and god knows what else. I couldn't pace a story to save my life (did I mention I was 17) and the style and voice and characterization were wildly inconsistent, a patchwork of things I liked in books by other, better writers (Terry Pratchett, Diana Wynne Jones, Holly Black, etc).

Anyway, an LJ writer I admired wrote a post in which they sarcastically excerpted some of my writing, and I realized that the chapters I'd produced were not just unsuccessful but mockable. I thought about what I wanted the story to be, where I wanted it to go, and how I wanted it to sound. I identified a serious tone problem with Luca's POV: it was written too lightly, and made him come across as far too...well, plucky, for lack of a better word. It just wasn't how someone so broken would think or speak or see the world.

I rewrote that draft completely. This resulted in the version originally posted on Ao3. It was miles better, but I had miles to go, and I knew it, but I didn't know how to get there.

At that point I was in undergrad at a school which offered no creative writing classes and whose professors really and truly disdained the sort of books I liked best. (I'll never forget proposing a thesis on children's fantasy in postwar Britain and my advisor forbidding me from "applying my theory pyrotechnics to a pile of crap"). So I started a reading group with a friend, a very serious reading group with books assigned at the beginning and end of every semester and hours-long weekly meetings. It was here that I began to figure out what actually worked about the books I admired, and how I might adapt successful structures and strategies into my own work.

Then I went to graduate school for writing. This was the first time I'd gotten deep critical feedback on my creative work. I was also diagnosed with CPTSD by a therapist who assigned me a lot of reading (my love language). Now I could work on technical issues like tone and pacing while also developing a deeper understanding of how trauma shapes a person's identity and worldview.

Looking at the second draft of TGB through this lens, I felt that Luca and Robert were not distinct enough, either from each other or any of the other characters (many of whom were pretty cartoonish). I also realized that I hadn't been thinking of Luca's plot arc as a progress arc, a reparative curve along which we see him moving chapter by chapter and book by book. And I wanted to give myself room to illustrate his relationship with Robert in more nuanced shades of moral gray. Robert and Luca are both products of a society like but also quite unlike our own, and they don't have to be (and shouldn't be) "good" or "likable" in the way we're used to thinking about. Robert is not (or at least not initially) an abolitionist. Neither is Luca. Indeed, Robert is the one most willing to question the institution of slavery because he's also the one whose imagination hasn't been (as Kemp says of Luca) "hopelessly limited by slavery." Of course those limitations aren't actually hopeless, but they are very real, and they're something Luca will be chipping away at in increments for a long, long time.

It was useful for me to think about who I wanted Luca and Robert to be at the beginning of the story, and what I wanted their relationship to be, and then to think about who they and their relationship would become by the very last page of the very last book. Knowing our starting point and our destination allowed me to plot the distance between, and to shape that plot around the trauma recovery (with all its fits, starts, and setbacks) these characters needed to go through, both together and individually.

And then I started writing.

[barryhairry]

April 17 12:34 am

that feeling, that feeling of knowing I could get away with it. That sexual gratification of just a little extra. Like a hit of a blunt and to exhale without care of who might sniff it out. That knowing that i could just keep it to myself and i could get my rocks off, stroke and fantasize of being dirty with a stranger. Then the interaction, the response, the filthy shadow self that has the want to bust a nut then forget the person even exists.

Having my cake and eating it too. Oh how it burns. How that temptation singes and stings. Oh fuck how the knowing that i can have the closest thing to…

like a lake of wet mud. The flat and untouched surface, teasing me to dirty up my sneakers. “Well, no one can get mad at me for dirtying up the souls of my shoes.” “Look at how my footprint perfectly stamps the mud. It feels slippery and slimy, if I wasn’t worried about the consequences of getting messy id make a mud angle.” Walking the tight rope of temptation is infuriating. “Why don’t I just jump? There’s a net to catch my fall and it’ll be fun to be flung into the air, like a big trampoline.” “Oh goodness, the sides of my shoes got some mud on ‘em! Well that’s alright, I’ll just shuffle through the dewy grass before anyone notices.” The further i step out into the lake my shoes sink. “What a fun and liberating feeling! My fresh and clean shoes sinking into the mud, the sides of my shoes are already dirty what’s the harm? I already have a clean up plan.”

The further i step out into the lake, just one casual step. I shift my weight and like a trap door, the mud is up to my ankles!” I laugh uncontrollably and when i pull my foot out, my shoe nearly comes off, nearly disappears with the mud! My opposite foot starts sinking too! I panic. This is a lot more to clean up now.

Dread. Anxiety. Guilt. Shame. The dawning of the situation. Like a record scratch or a freeze then zoom in, like a film. Like i smoke a fatty in my bathroom, been in there for over two hours and just when I’m ready to chill i walk out, and realize I’ve stunk up the house.

”i wish I hadn’t done that.” Is that thought even worth it? The damage is done, the most time proficient thing is to figure out how to undo this decision and make it look like I haven’t made a mistake.

quik! Think, think! Wait? Have i gotten permission before to be dirty? Was the permission given with genuineness or reluctance? Am i held to a standard? It’s my life right? It’s also my decision, to be filthy. Yet, i know there are less dirty ways to be filthy, more respectable ways with minimal clean up. Messes without consequences as dire as this. But those ways are boring and they provide releases with less suspense and can be achieved too simply. They also don’t give me this feeling of dread and regret. And they guarantee no punishment either, or change of perception about me. And when i do those common release of energy, I can move on with my life. And not obsess over this microscopic escape from reality. Like polliester, filling up my time, hours on end, with no profit but my sperm on my hand and on my shorts.

[mysteriawrites]

Hello! I'm here to request a romantic MHA matchup if you could please! I'm a 17 year old female but I look and act mature for my age(due to trauma) so I often get mistaked for being older than I am sometimes. Some good qualities of mine are maturity, being level headed, and being motherly/caring. Some bad traits can include bluntness, coming off as cold, and forgetfulness. I'm an introvert so i hate being around crowds and speaking infront of people I also have social anxiety so that doesn't help... I would much prefer staying at home watching anime and cuddling my pets rather than going out... More of my fun and loud side comes out around my friends or the right people. My hobbies or things I enjoy include hanging out with friends, swimming, listening to music, art(especially pottery), laying in bed on my phone, animals(I currently work with animals as a job), watching anime and other TV series, the ocean(I love water if I could choose a quirk it would be water based), stargazing(I love galaxies, the moon and stars I find everything so fascinating), the colors black, blue, purple, then finally the goth/emo style and aesthetic! Some dislikes of mine are bananas, P.E./sports(volleyball is okay tho), and men/father figures in my life-. My music taste includes the artists, The Neighborhood, Girl In Red, The Arctic Monkeys, Billie Eilish, Melanie Martinez, Alec Benjamin, Corpse, Cave town, Conan Gray and Cigarettes after sex! I'm omnisexual so either gender could work but in mha I lean towards having a stronger preference for the guys compared to the girls so do with that what you will. Traits I dislike in others are immaturity, impatience, disrespect, pushing boundaries, and not listening. Traits I look for in others are respect, kindness, understanding, patience, and humor. A bit about my appearance is I have longish black hair, pale skin, freckles, i'm a bit chubby, and tall(5'8). Im also very insecure and I doubt myself a lot but I'm trying to work on that! Some love languages include words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch and sometimes acts of service. I have mental and physical health issues so I would need someone who could accept and be able to handle that. I would also need someone that would accept that I have trauma as well. I would want this relationship to be a two way thing so its very important that they give the same effort I'm giving into the relationship. I would prefer not to be matched with Denki, Bakugou, Iida, Tokoyami or any adult since I'm a minor. I think thats it... I'm sorry if I missed anything you needed or if this is to long! I understand if you don't get to me right away! I hope your having a nice day! Thank you!

Hello Hello thank you for the request. I'm sorry about all the things you've had to go through, and I hope this makes you a little happier even if only for the amount of time it takes you to read it. Maestro if you will...DRUMROLL PLEASE!!!

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

IZUKU MIDORYA!!!

I think Midoriya is the one who will best be able to heal your heart. You've both been through such hardships in your lives, Izuku would be the one to help you overcome you struggles and traumas with his determination and big heart.

When you first come to UA, you're a bit like Todoroki was, closed off and kept to yourself. The girls tried to pull you into their activities, and you would to avoid being rude, but you were quiet and preferred to keep to yourself.

Midoriya didn't like how you were alone all the time and seemed to be hurting. he wouldn't push and make you uncomfortable, but he would try and make more of an effort to be your friend.

He would offer for you guys, to train, eat lunch, and study together, but you would usually say no. Until one day during the internships (yes you guys ended up at the same agency by pure coincidence) he took a hit for you.

After you guys got back, your mama bear switch turned on and you made him sit down so you could heal his wounds. You lectured him on how reckless he was and asked him why he would do such a dangerous thing for you, and he said it was because he cared about you.

After that you soften up a bit. You would take Midoriya up on his offers to hang out, although at first it would only just be the two of you. Over time however he starts to introduce you to the rest of group deku and you all become a very tight nit circle of friends.

As the friends to lovers trope tends to go, as you two got closer Midoryia started to fall for you. Now as brave as he may well be we all know that he can be an awkward little nerd, so when he realized this, he started panicking.

He goes to his friends for help, but they don't seem to be able to help much. Idia and Todoroki don't know a lot about romance, and he is too shy Asui and Ururaka (although they had figured it out already) so he goes to the he looks up to the most: Almight.

Almight's advice for him was that all he had to do was speak from the heart and be himself. So that's what he did. He walked up to you one day and asked if you could speak in private where he confessed his feelings for you.

You and Midoriya's dates usually consist of sharing each other's interests. You guys will watch your favorite animes together (sometimes he will act out the scenes to make you laugh). He may not be super into art, but he loves every single masterpiece you make for him. He also likes to take you out to eat, but you guys eat outside or take it to go and eat it somewhere nice to avoid large crowds.

You also scold Midoriya for hurting himself all the time. That he can't save anyone if he doesn't take care of himself. And he takes care of you and allows your mature motherly facade to come down so you can be vulnerable for once and feel safe.

All in all, you guys are very wholesome. You understand each other's needs and take care of others as well. You cover each other's backs on and off the battlefield.

Sorry this isn't as lengthy as the others im writing this at almost 3 am but I really want to stick to schedule so these can be done on time especially the anons to make sure they'll see them.

Runners Up: Kota Izumi, Shouji Mezou, Kirishima Ejiro

[childoferebus]

I was challenged tagged by @parrot-parent​ to come up with an answer for every one of these music questions.  Please learn more about my music tastes than anyone should.

1:A song you like with a color in the title: Favorite Color is Blue by Robert Delong ft. K.Flay, which I am not allowed to link to directly for some reason.  I’m going to get The Vermin Survive tattoo’d at some point when I can figure out a design for it.  (If you’re a tattoo artist, hmu 👀

2:A song you like with a number in the title

A Complete List of Fears Ages 5-28 (Aprox) by The Yellow Dress. I want to lick it.

3:A song that reminds you of summertime

The first thing that came to mind was When It’s Over by Sugar Ray, because I’m absolutely ancient by tumblr standards.

4:A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about

Love Me Dead by Ludo, but not for the reasons you’d think.

5:A song that needs to be played LOUD

Hellbent by Mystery Skulls, which is only correct when it’s loud enough to blow my speakers and my eardrums.

6:A song that makes you want to dance

Zoot Suit Riot by the Cherry Popping Daddies. Shouts to the time my prom date got pissed at me for dancing to this when they didn’t want to lol

7:A song to drive to

On the Road Again by Willy Nelson is the first song on my roadtrip playlist, as is good and right.

8:A song about drugs or alcohol

Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind is the most obvious song about crystal meth that has ever been played and I don’t care it is my favorite song of all time, it delights me

9:A song that makes you happy

Cheesecake Truck by King Missile.  So then I got this idea about driving a cheesecake truck

10:A song that makes you sad

Your Voice as I Remember It by AJJ.  I have an entire playlist dedicated to songs I can’t sing along with without crying but this was the first that came to mind.  Notable other mentions are What Sarah Said by Death Cab for Cutie and A Plea from a Cat Named Virtue by the Weakerthans

11:A song that you never get tired of

BlackBoxWarrior (OK Ultra) by Will Wood. I can and have listened to this song on repeat for hours at a time.

12:A song from your preteen years

Preteens.  Jesus. Are you sure you want me to delve back that far?  Anyway, when I was around that age I was really into Jewel, so probably Little Sister.  Which is also a song about drugs.

13:One of your favorite 80’s songs

Safety Dance by Men Without Hats is the correct answer.

14:A song that you would love played at your wedding

Brand New Colony by the Postal Service.  I eloped so I don’t get any wedding music, but I’ve made a wedding playlist for my OCs and I’m totally normal about the fact that this is the first song

15:A song that is a cover by another artist

You Oughta Know by the Killing Moon is one of my favorite covers of all time by virtue of them not changing the pronouns

16:One of your favorite classical songs

The hardest part of this meme isn’t thinking of songs for every ask it’s picking which out of the dozen possible answers for every question that I’m going to go with. I listened exclusively to classic piano for like 2 years in my teens.  Anyway, tough call but I gotta go with the Moonlight Sonata Third Movement by Beethoven.  From what I was told, it was written as he was losing both his sight and his hearing and it’s so aggressive and mournful because of it.  Beethoven was a prick but man the dude could play.

17:A song that would sing a duet with on karaoke

Snow Miser/Heat Miser. Get that shit stuck in your head and sing with me.

18:A song from the year that you were born

Listen I’m not going to date myself out loud so if you want to know that bad you can look and see.

19:A song that makes you think about life

This might be the hardest one to answer yet.  I don’t know man, every song makes me think about life. All of them do. What aspect of life? What topic? So here’s one, I guess: White Noise by Will Wood.

20:A song that has many meanings to you

Weak and Powerless by A Perfect Circle. I know it’s about drugs, but man if you take it literally...

21:A favorite song with a person’s name in the title

Jacqueline by Circa Waves. Please watch the video. Please.

22:A song that moves you forward

Point to Prove (I Was An Ugly Kid) by Bug Hunter. yeah.

23:A song that you think everybody should listen to

Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) by Baz Luhrman.  Get to it.

24:A song by a band you wish were still together

Inexplicable by the Correspondents.  If I don’t think about it too hard I’ll be fine.

25:A song by an artist no longer living

Faint by Linkin Park. IF I DON’T THINK ABOUT IT TOO HARD I’LL BE FINE.

26:A song that makes you want to fall in love

Passenger Seat by Death Cab for Cutie. 

27:A song that breaks your heart

Well if you’re going to do this to me twice in a row, What Sarah Said by Death Cab for Cutie.  I put my mp3 player on shuffle after my adopted grandfather died suddenly and violently to try and calm myself and this is the first song that played and I’ve never been okay since.  Love is watching someone die.

28:A song by an artist with a voice that you love

Grace for Sale by Terrance Zdunich.  Tough call but considering I stole his voice for Taj Na...

29:A song that you remember from your childhood

I Will Buy You a New Life by Everclear, which one of my classmates was obsessed with, and played every lunch at school for months.  Jimmy you were 12 what was it about this song that spoke to you so much

30:A song that reminds you of yourself

Kokopelli Face Tattoo by AJJ.  I have a viper rune tattoo because of it.

[fantasies-fairytales-n-fics]

Code Blue Ch. 17- Safe Haven

Summary: Josie awakens to a sweet text. She later receives good news and another sign. A fairytale ensues. Jo and Lee share a warm embrace and a wish. Unexpected company arrive, adding to the day's gloom. Jo stands by her man which enamors him. Lee shares some childhood memories with her. The two deeply connect until forces of nature intervene, only bringing them closer together.

*Warnings* Angst, language, mentions of drug/alcohol use and terms, funeral mentions, grief and guilt,

Stories Stories Stories Masterlist

Chapter characters: Lee, Josie, Gordon, Donna

Salem, Massachusetts

February 26, 2023

8 am.

You stretched and yawned with a frown as your phone's beep woke you up from a rather sleepless night due to all of your anxiety. An exuberating smile formed on your face though as you read the text from Lee...and the butterflies started in again.

"Good morning beautiful girl. Thank you for coming to my dad's showing last night. It meant everything to me. I cannot wait to see you today."

To know you were the first thing on his mind when he woke up and that he was anticipating your presence was the most blissful feeling.

"Heyyy there sweet guy. Are you doing alright this morning? I know how hard this day is for you."

"I will be just fine once I have you in my sight. You make everything better....like a whole pint of ice cream."

"Lol. Now I want ice cream."

"What's your favorite kind?"

"Definitely black cherry."

"You and this cherry thing. I like it. I still remember the taste of your cherry chap stick. Hey sweetheart, I gotta go pick up my suit. Come on over any time you like...can't wait to see you ice princess."

You were thankful Lee couldn't see how red you just turned from the embarrassment of how he had easily figured out you basically kissed him in your attempted CPR when you found him unconscious from his attic fall, thinking he wasn't breathing....but when you had realized he was, you had still kept your lips adjoined to his because his mouth was the most succulent thing you'd ever felt.

"Ice princess? lol, that's a new one."

"Well that's what you are. Watching you on the ice the other day was such royal vision."

"Certainly better than the vision of me falling on my ass in your yard."

"Oh, no. That was even better. 😊🤪"

"Ha...ha. Well, then I'm going to take you skating with me and see how you do on that!"

"I'll tell you right now, my feet are better when they're flat on unslick surfaces. We'll both end up at the hospital because I'll take you right down with me."

"What? You can't ice skate?"

"Or roller skate, or skateboard, rollerblade, ski...anything that moves beneath my feet is a disaster waiting to strike...except for my car."

"Well, I will gladly teach you. You could come to one of my classes. The girls would get a kick out of that lol."

"Oh I see how it is. Embarrass myself in front of a bunch of children that can do something a grown ass man can't...I'd be up for private lessons though. 😇"

"Hmm. That can be arranged. Hey don't feel bad. Ice is an excuse for casualties. I have no excuse for just walking! lmao."

"True dat! lol. Surely there must be something though that you don't know how to do, that I know how to do and could teach you....besides walking."

"Lol...There is actually, but it's embarrassing. Hey, you need to go, remember? lol."

"Ohhh now it's on, like freaking donkey kong. I won't forget about this and will get it out of you later. See you soon gorgeous."

"TTFN!"

"LOL"

Oh how that man made you smile...but you also felt sad because he was trying to act normal when he was about to bury his father.

Now you needed to find something black and conservative to wear because you certainly were not going to bling out like Jason requested of you for his funeral. You weren't going to know anyone there but Lee and didn't want to draw attention to yourself...well, besides Amy, Britt and Ethan, whom you just met...but you had no idea if Orlando was going to go. You certainly hoped he would, regardless of the tension between him and Lee because they were best friends and really needed each other right now more than ever. It really bothered you that you were the cause of their feud.

Just then, your phone rang and you immediately recognized the number. A call you had been waiting on.

"Hello?'

"Hey there, just Josie. It's Craig, your new landlord as of today. Your check cleared and you are good to move in whenever you'd like."

You giggled that he was till calling you just Josie.

"Oh gosh, that's great! Thank you for calling. It will probably be around the end of the week. A lot is going on right now."

"That's fine. Just stop at my studio where we met to get the keys and sign the lease. I'm usually here."

"Ok. Thank you again Mr. Parker."

'Ah ah. Just Craig remember?"

"Oh, that's right. Well thank you again just Craig." you replied with a chuckle.

"I've created a monster." he laughed. "See you soon. Have a good day just Josie."

"You too, Goodbye."

"YES YES!!!" you shouted in excitement after you hung up. Finally, your own place and to be free of Megan for the most part....and you were already daydreaming of having Lee come over....maybe he could even help you move in.

Well. What to do now? you thought, since you probably wouldn't head to Lee's until the afternoon....although you desperately wanted to go now because you were missing him something fierce. What the hell had he done to you? You swore on the holy bible that you would never let any man close to you again and here was Dr. love, crashing through your barriers like a wrecking ball. You had tried to fend him off in order to protect yourself, and even him, but here you were, being reeled back in, hook, line and sinker.

You decided to get up and do some packing to kill some time and turned on your music, only to be floored by yet another in your face sign.

"Noooo way..." you whispered as you stared at the stereo.

This should have made you happy, but instead, you dropped on your butt and began to cry. Why? You knew why. You were scared to death that this was all going to be too good to be true and as fast as that wrecking ball came in and wiped out all the bad, it was going to swing back and demolish all the good. You were at the point of no return, where your life would never be the same after Lee. There was no one like him, for he was merely something you always dreamed of, but believed could never exist....only in fairytales, like you wrote.

You got up and sat at your desk, opening your laptop to Facebook to see that Lee had sent you a friend request. You happily accepted it with an uncontrollable smile and then began to type in a post for the day.

"She dreamed improbable dreams, followed her heart and created her own little fairytale. Everything you look at can become a fairy tale and you can get a story from everything you touch. I made a wish upon a star, I turned around and there you were."

You then began to look through Lee's photos that you couldn't see before since his profile was private. You about shit when you saw a photo of his farm from an aerial view. He certainly was not exaggerating about the acreage and how easily it would be to get lost in the forest if you didn't know your way around it. It was a picture of pure heaven. A house, a barn and a pond all secured by nothing but trees. He was right. It was a place to escape the world. A place of magic.

Lee had quite a bit of nature photos. He certainly was a great photographer. Was there nothing this man could not do...besides ice skate? There was a multitude of pics from his farm, his lake house, his car and trucks, animals, and even some of himself, which blew you away at his many different looks, from short to long hair, beards to baby faced and you loved every single one of them. One that really made you swoon was him and a beautiful black dog laying on his lap.

You blushed as you wished it was you laying there, wanting to comment and say how jealous you were of that dog, but you refrained as to not embarrass him.

After about a half an hour of stalking his page, there was suddenly a notification. Upon clicking it, it was from Lee, commenting on your post. You leaned in to read his small paragraph of a reply.

"You're mad, completely bonkers, off your head. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are. You make me believe in fairytales.....but it's not a fairy tale if you lose your shoe at midnight, because that is probably something you would do just by merely walking...or you're just drunk. Either way, that shoe would fit no one else."

You didn't know whether to laugh or cry and ended up doing both. How was this man real? You replied with no jokes, but with all sincerity.

"I have been looking for you since I heard my first fairy tale."

"Took you long enough. Did you fall down a rabbit hole? Now, would you get over here already? You're late for a very important date."

You decided to text him with your answer instead so that your business wasn't put out there.

"Lol...well, I'm not ready, unless you don't mind me bringing my things and getting ready there? I can bring lunch if you're hungry?"

"Well there's my little mad hatter. Of course you can get ready here. I'm not all too hungry. Nerves I suppose. There will be a dinner party after the service. I'll try to eat then."

You felt so bad for him. He clearly needed you so you told him you were on your way and rushed to gather your things, but quickly texted Orlando to see if he was going to attend the funeral.

"Hey...just wanted to know if you are coming today. I really hope so....and I hope that you are ok. I haven't told Lee about what happened. Not yet anyways. Please, at least tell me you're alright. I'm worried about you...and I really mean that."

You got in your Monte Carlo and sat for a few minutes, waiting to see if he would reply.

"I'm fine." was all you got...but it was better than nothing.

Your phone then beeped, but it wasn't Orlando. It was Lee.

"Hey sweet girl, I forgot to tell you I'm at my lake house. Moving some of mine and Jacob's stuff in from the house. The door's open, you can just come on in....if that's ok with you, to come here after...well you know.."

"Of course it's fine. Let's just forget about all that. On my way. I'll be there shortly."

"Can't wait. Drive safe."

You pulled into the descending driveway about twenty minutes later. It was a gloomy, rainy like day, but wasn't it always when there was a funeral? As soon as you got out of the car, you could hear music blaring from inside the enormous two story lake house. You took a minute to admire the garden of mulit-colored roses on the opposite side of the driveway that looked very well pampered. It amazed you that they would thrive in February but the weather had been so spring like, including the incline of stormy weather, which was also threatening the current day.

You made your way inside the open garage door which led you through a basement and followed the sound of the music up a set of stairs.

There was a door open to a back room and you peeked inside as you smiled at the song he was playing. More Than a Woman by the Bee Gees.

You stood at the top of the three steps that led down into the room and watched him lightly singing while he was moving boxes around. When he sat a box down, the angle of his face revealed to you that he had shaved, making him appear ten years younger than his already ageless self. There was that babyface again that you so adored. For just a moment, you imagined it being your things that he was moving in, which is something you never would have thought of, yet here you were, envisioning a future with him.

After he sat the box down, he slowly turned to see you smiling at him as he had smelled your perfume. The look on his face was so melancholic and his gleaming eyes begged for you to hold him.

You reached your arms out to him with a frown.

"Come here."

He came to you and you both just gazed at each other, then he closed his eyes and melted into your arms, squeezing you so tight. You fit inside his grip like a glove as he buried his face into your neck.

You didn't know what to do for him except just hold him for awhile. The feeling was definitely mutual on how much you had missed him, for it was obvious in the way he held you, but even more so when he spoke into your ear.

"I missed you so much Jo." His voice sounded so defeated.

"Hey, it's alright. I am here now...and I missed you too."

You held each other in silence for a few moments. It felt so nice, so right, so safe.

"I can't swim." you mumbled in his ear.

He pulled back and gave you a raised brow. "What?"

"You wanted to know what it was that I can't do that you could...well I assume you can swim. I guess I shouldn't presume that about others considering I'm not the only one in the world without that skill."

"Yes, you're right. I know someone else who cannot....but hey, that's alright. I could always teach you sometime? When it's warmer, maybe here on the bay? Behind all these trees, there's a nice beach."

"Ohhh, I don't know. I would prefer to just...not. I really don't like the water. I feel like such a joke sometimes. I afraid of heights, afraid of small spaces, I'm afraid of the dark and storms...I'm surprised I haven't turned into one of those people that can't leave their house."

"Hey, you are not a joke young lady. We're all afraid of something."

"Well...what are you afraid of?"

"Losing you."

"Lee...I'm not going anywhe..."

The alarm on Lee's phone went off. He released you and grinned.

'Make a wish."

"What?" you asked with a clueless smile.

"It's 11:11. You're the one that got me hooked on that, remember?"

You did remember, very well. It had been your very first text conversation with him and you had told him how you believed in it. At that time, he was quite skeptical but still made a wish as you had also. Later, you found out that he had wished for you when he revealed that in a serious moment....the night you panicked over your feelings and had pushed him away.

"Annnnd...you set your alarm to that time?" you asked with a giggle.

"I did, so that twice a day, every day, I could wish for you."

Oh dear god, your heart fluttered, taking your breath away as you gaped at him in pure awe.

"But...I think your wish has already came true." you smirked.

"Can't be too careful. Nothing lasts forever. But I am hoping....no, I am wishing... that this will."

"Me too." you softly agreed, lost in his eyes.

You were highly superstitious, which you supposed you could consider another fear and now you silently panicked because you had both just revealed your wishes, which you believed you weren't supposed to do. Too many things had happened in your life that had led you to the point of being overly cautious.

The doorbell then rang. You cringed at the timing to your fearful thoughts.

When Lee opened the door, he did not look too enthused to see the dressed up dark haired man and redheaded woman standing there. She was dressed as if she were going to a fancy dinner party or something of the sort.

"Gordon, Donna? Why are you here?"

"Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but our father passed away, so I thought I would come to the funeral." The shorter and older man than Lee snidely said.

"The funeral isn't for hours yet so why are you at my house? I don't recall inviting you."

Now it was clear. This was the older brother Lee told you about, that he didn't get along with and his wife that he had compared to Megan.

"Did I need one to come visit my brother?"

"Yes, you did. I have company. You could have just spoken to me at the service, in which I didn't even expect you to got to since you're never around."

"Can we cut the bullshit for the time being and maybe you could let us come in? It's getting ready to storm."

You had a feeling that was going to be quite the metaphor soon enough since you were almost at the expert level of reading Lee like a book. His entire stance and demeanor was now cold and unsettling.

He reluctantly stepped aside and let them in, both gawking at you.

Lee hesitantly but politely introduced you.

"Josie, this is my brother Gordon and his wife Donna."

You instantly picked up on Lee calling you Josie instead of Jo. He didn't want them calling you that, for he knew you only liked certain people to do so, but you also knew he was being protective of you....and his privilege.

He turned to you and half smiled as he mouthed. "I'm sorry." and took off his overshirt and went to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of wine and glasses. The elephant in the room was couldn't be missed, but Lee still attempted to be hospitable because that was him, a good man. You all sat down as Lee poured the dark red vintage, his glass with barely any in it, but first handed you yours.

"Here you are sweetheart." he said with a smile as he sat down beside you. "I'm sorry that it's warm."

Lee was also sorry that he was serving it to you, for it was a brand that he thought tasted like shit and purposely saved it to serve to people like Gordon and Donna.

"Sweetheart is it? So are you two like a...real thing? You usually have a different one every month."

Your mouth dropped open at Gordon's passive aggressive remark. Lee sat with his arms crossed over his chest, his mouth also now open in disbelief as he stared at his brother, and then at Donna who remained silent and sipped her wine.

"How would you know anything about my life when you're too wrapped up in your own perfect little world? I'm not that person anymore and there was no reason to make that disrespectful comment to or about me, or in front of her." Lee bluntly stated.

"How was that disrespectful? I simply asked an honest question. No need to be hasty because I have a good life and yours is in shambles....still. I'm sure your new girlfriend of the month will soon figure that out."

"Excuse me??" you blurted out. "First of all, the new girlfriend is sitting right here and not going anywhere because I actually care about Lee and second, you don't know me and I certainly do not know you but from the few harrowing moments of meeting you, we can definitely cut the bullshit because I can easily see that you don't seem to even know your own brother, nor respect him."

Lee's widened eyes slowly glided to you in shock of your defense of him....and to the fact you called yourself his girlfriend, not to mention your feisty spirit that turned him on to no end. He was also reveling in how you flatly called out a complete stranger and owned every word of it.

"I like you. This one's a keeper Lee. Just don't fuck it up and maybe you can have something good like Donna and I do." Gordon patronized. Lee grinned and shook his head, knowing that what you and he had would never be anything like their twisted relationship. Donna merely smiled, watched and listened. You could tell she was enjoying the drama. A spitting image of Megan indeed.

Thunder began and the lights flickered, causing you to gasp. Lee immediately reached his hand over to yours.

"Hey, it's alright. I'm right here." he softly said as he laced his fingers into yours. It was unexplainable how you promptly felt relief at his touch, like nothing could hurt you. He was seemingly the cure to all of your fears.

"How did you even know I was here?" Lee asked with sarcasm.

"Well, that would be because we went to your old house and the family farm, so I figured a third times a charm. Look at that, I'm a poet and I don't know it."

"Technically, you do know it if you just said you're a poet and next time, if there even has to be a next time, call before you just show up." Lee snarked.

"Oh little brother, it seems you are in need of some fun. I have some if you want hooked up. Maybe it can pull that stick out of your ass and help you lighten up a bit."

Lee knew exactly what fun he was referring to. In fact, Gordon was the entire reason he had ever used any drugs in the first place, besides alcohol. Gordon was a huge cokehead but wasn't limited to the white lightning.

"I think it's time for you to go. Right now. Or I can take that stick out of my ass and beat you with it." Lee nonchalantly stated.

The looks on their faces, right along with yours was priceless.

You were so proud of him for declining the drugs and for threatening to open a can of whoop ass on his brother....and you would have cheered him on while he did it. It was obvious to you that Gordon had came there to intentionally antagonize Lee all over the farm dispute....and what Gordon said next, proved it.

Gordon and Donna stood up and put their coats back on.

"We will see you later then at the funeral home. Just know one thing. Enjoy the farm while you can. I am going to get back what was rightfully mine."

"Have at it." Lee barked as he slammed the door shut behind them.

Lee roughed his hand down his face and went to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with ice water, then chugged it down to get the nasty aftertaste from the one sip of wine out of his mouth. He then stood at the kitchen sink and stared out the window. You followed him in and stood behind him, wrapping your arms around his stomach and laying your face against his back. He smiled and cupped his hands over yours.

"You ok?" you squeaked with a frown on your saddened face.

"I am. You know Jo, you're a light in my darkened world. What you just did in there....I...I just have no words for. It means a lot."

If he only knew how you handled Elizabeth, he'd be even happier, but you weren't going to ruin any more of this day for him because that meant you would have to tell him why the encounter happened in the first place. It could wait.

"Well, that jerk deserved it. I mean, how dare he come into your home and speak to you that way, or even at all. Burns my ass. Now I see why you two are at odds. He's despicable."

"My sediments exactly. There was a time when he was actually an ok guy and we got along. It was many years ago and we were both different people then. My bad boy days I suppose one would call it. Having Jacob changed me though...and then Donna changed Gordon. She's trouble."

"Yeah, I caught on to that right away with her quiet act. Those are the dangerous type since I know one very well."

It thundered again as if the weather agreed with your words. It rumbled through the floor, startling you into burrowing your face between his shoulder blades as you squeezed him tight. Lee lifted his arm and turned, wrapping it around your shoulders and pulled you against his chest.

"It's alright. I've got you. Hey, let me show you something."

He put his index finger against the window, pointing to something.

"There. Do you see that island of trees across the bay in the far distance?"

You looked out the window and could see the stormy sky and lake peeking over the top of the boat house which you hadn't been able to view from the driveway as the entire desolate lake house was surrounded by trees.

"The one to the right behind the weather pole?"

"Yeah...I like to go there on my boat or canoe and camp. It's another one of my safe havens. It's uninhabited. Just a huge forest. Do you like camping?"

"I do, although I haven't went in years."

"Would you like to go with me sometime? I mean, that's if you're ok with being on a boat. I have life jackets, and well, I would sit right beside you. I would never let anything happen to you Jo."

"I know you wouldn't. Yeah, of course. I would love to go with you. This place is so beautiful Lee. I'd love to see the rest of it."

"Then so you shall. Come with me my lady." he grinned and extended his hand out to you.

You took his hand and he led you back to the room you had been in and out the french doors that had an enormous wooden deck attached to the back of the house which also wrapped around to the top of the garage. That side had a large hot tub that looked like a small swimming pool and at the end was a slide that dropped off into the inlet of the lake, something you knew you were certainly never going to use. The other side at the back of the house was furnished like an entire living room and had stairs leading down to a giant yard with a fire pit and a trail behind it that led through the trees out to the beach area Lee had told you about. This place alone could be considered a safe haven, you thought. If it were yours, you would never leave it.

For the next three hours, you and Lee sat next to each other on the sheltered deck talking and eating pb & j sandwiches that he made while it rained and thundered, which didn't even bother you now. Everything was so peaceful and perfect....but then it was time to get ready for his father's service.

Lee led you upstairs to a guest room for you to get ready and he went down the hall to his bedroom to do the same.

Lee began dressing and stood in front of a mirror tying his red tie.

He had it all planned out what he was going to wear, but once he was finished, he stared at himself and began to feel uncomfortable as he knew his father would also be wearing a red tie. He felt like he couldn't breathe and he hated the white shirt, so he ripped them both off in frustration and chose a black button down shirt, leaving it open at the neckline so he wouldn't feel suffocated. Grabbing his black jacket, he then headed downstairs to wait for you.

Lee went to the kitchen and downed a double shot of whiskey as his nerves were getting the best of him. How he had dreaded this day and now it was here, only moments before he would see his dad lying in a casket. He stood looking down at his shoes which triggered a memory of him and his dad when Lee was as old as Jacob when he died.

Shoes. His dad had so many and Lee remembered being fascinated with them.

He then remembered that same day, how they sat on the floor talking about trains and he would show him how the sounded the horn.

And then another memory of when Lee was older popped in his mind of his father dancing in circles, and Lee would do the same.

Finally, one last memory flashed at him. His dad buckling his seatbelt and that hit Lee hard.

You came down the stairs and into the kitchen to find Lee lost in thought with tear filled eyes.

"Hey...talk to me. We still have some time before we have to go."

Lee put on a fake smile as his fingertips grazed your cheek.

"You look really beautiful Jo.....I...I was just reminiscing I suppose, remembering some moments with my dad when I was a kid." he explained as his smile then became real.

"Would it help if you talked about them? I'd be really glad to hear stories about your dad."

"I was just thinking about how I loved my dad's shoes so much. He had so many. He would line them up and I would take turns putting each pair on and walking around in them, feeling like a grown up just like him. I remember my feet being so small that I could barely keep the shoes on. He stood and watched me the entire time with a smile on his face. There was one pair though that was my favorite. Black shiny loafers. I am wearing them now. Ironic isn't it, that my feet now fit perfectly inside of them? He never got bored with the daily routine of entertaining me after his long day at work. He always loved trains like I told you about and that he had bought that train set for Jacob that I have set up. When I was Jacob's age, about 5, I remember him showing me how to blow the horn by putting my hand up and pulling down over and over. I used to imitate everything he did. I loved him and wanted to be just like him."

"And you are. You became a doctor just like he was."

"I'm not really like him Jo. He always buckled my seatbelt...always. Never once did he forget. But I...I didn't make sure Jacob's was. I trusted his mother to do it...I should have checked Jo. My dad was a good and responsible dad...but not me."

Lee almost broke down and all you could do was take him into your arms and just hold him.

"Sweet guy, you were a very good father to that precious little boy because you loved him. You trusted his mother to do what she was supposed to do. That is not your fault. I wish you would believe that....and you were a good son too, your dad told you that. You took care of him just like he did you... I wish I could take all of this guilt and pain away." you compassionately told him into his ear as your heart broke. You couldn't handle it, seeing him suffer. You were never going to let anyone hurt him again, at least you would do your damnedest to prevent it.

"You take a lot of it away Jo, just by being here with me. You're my saving grace Jo. I truly feel that if I had never met you, I wouldn't be standing here right now." he replied right back into your ear.

You glided your cheek across his and stopped to slowly turn and hold a kiss upon it as you held his other cheek in your hand. As you released your lips from his smooth supple skin, he turned his face to you, his mouth just inches from yours. The scent of his warm minty breath flowed up your nose as he whispered your name. "Jo..."

You stood frozen, your lips trembling and slightly parted as his carefully neared yours. Was this moment finally going to happen? Were you finally going to feel him return the kiss you secretly gave him a month ago?

Of course not. Lightning flashed through the room and loud bang of thunder followed... and then the lights went out. You screamed and jumped against him so hard, almost knocking you both over.

"Hey, hey, hey shhhh...it's ok, it's ok baby. You're safe with me." he lovingly assured you as he held you snug in his strong arms. You huffed and puffed into his chest with your eyes crunched shut, listening to his pounding heart. "I have a generator...but let's just get out of here alright? I'll drive, my car is in the garage."

You nodded as he softly kissed your head. Lee kept his arm around you, leading you down the dark basement steps and helping you into his car.

"Here, scoot over here." he smiled and patted the open space between you both. You didn't even hesitate and swiftly slid up against him.

He glanced down into your eyes and you saw something in his that you could only simply describe as happiness.

"Girlfriend huh?" he said with silly smirk.

You lightly gasped in embarrassment, forgetting that you had blurted that out to Gordon without it ever being officially affirmed.

The corner of Lee's mouth raised into a grin and then he proudly drove off with you protectively under his wing. You felt sheltered and secure for once in your life and you finally knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Lee was your safe haven...and you were his.

[chaotic-plotter]

answers for @folieadeuxserver, from weird questions for writers. thank you for indulging me <3 <3

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

i'm less often haunted by content than i am by style or by presentation. when i'm haunted, i've encountered something i can't forget because i can't fathom how someone puts together a story in X way or thinks to put words or story elements together in the way that they do. sometimes i'm just haunted by a good bit of prose, but it's usually accompanied by one of those things i just mentioned. sometimes it's in a way that feels devastating. other times it's in a way that makes me want to figure out how they did that so that i make myself feel that way when i read my own stuff.

plenty of things have made me feel this way! oftentimes my friends' work does. i admire them greatly and i would like to get better at the things they're amazing at! sometimes i can't, because it's just the way their brain puts story elements together, but sometimes it's a conscious thing they've worked on or developed and i try to learn what i can from them.

i've never been haunted by my own stuff in the same way, but there is a certain feeling to reading something you wrote with a certain intention and realizing that intention has come across. that it works. i'm very proud when it works. it feels like i'm just holding my breath and scribbling a lot of the time.

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

emotionally difficult? nothing, really, even the very dark shit. but technically difficult, i suppose, is romance. i really struggle with pulling romantic feelings from the subtext and especially struggle with getting characters to a place where they can talk about those things instead of around them. i have a hard time believing romance in so many stories, so it's hard for me to even write something i feel is believable or satisfies me, and i am picky as fuck.

i find character trauma, as a concept, decently easy to write about. not just as a piece of backstory to "explain" them, but how it informs or doesn't inform the way they carry themselves, speak, interact with other people. that sort of thing is sometimes used like "ding ding, now that you've locked my Traumatic Backstory(tm), i am now available for Fixing or Character Development" and i try to do something different than that.

do i succeed? unclear. but i do try.

i'm aware i should also probably lighten up. :P my stories could use some jokes. now there's a thing i wish i was better at! being funny!

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

so much gets left on the cutting room floor. just. so much.

for my original fiction project, it's the family trees i've made and the dozen of West Virginia oral history transcripts i've read and what old pine tar smells like. i've done a lot of detail work on how keys were produced in the late 1800s. i've watched a number of videos of how to dress a deer and literally pack it out on your back by folding it into a little deer backpack. there's a lot of eastern band of cherokee lore i've read, but won't be using, as it's not mine and i don't know what was stolen or is just made up or contextless, but i felt it was important to at least look into it. it's tough to think about what will/won't make it in, since if this goes where i want it to, i'm not exactly the final arbiter.

for the fic project i'll be returning to first after my hiatus, there's SO much climbing information that isn't going to make it in, but naturally has to inform how will, in this place where he is a hobby climber, talks and thinks about what he's doing. i know some of it already, but i write that fic with google ready and open to help me with proper technique and terminology to at least use as a spring-off point. there's actually a fair bit of detail for this world, the world of the luminous dead, that i expanded on and built out and i feel like most of that has gone in? i want to figure out how to include margot/alana, at least in passing, but we'll see if that works.

if you'd like to do this meme, too, feel free to send me asks or comment or what

[libraryofcirclaria]

17 November 1250

Library of Circlaria

Third Level Society: First Version

Story Three: Koby Breen

It was Thomas Mack.

I was convinced this entire time that it was Phyrran Caltin. He had been opposed to me since last spring, and had largely disappeared while I was facing off Headmaster Cross during the University Affairs trial. I was working with Dungeonmaster Landon on trying to unfreeze the Arturian Realm. It had been quite the struggle. I concluded near the end that the act was intentional because of how deeply rooted the script was. And I was still nowhere closer to figuring out how to reverse-engineer the thing, because the seed script was well-hidden.

The final week of June delivered two impactful revelations to me. The first was when my avatar was unexpectedly joined by Brobart. So Phyrran Caltin had actually come to my aid. At that point, I was speculating to myself whether or not Caltin had done this and then came to my aid in order to fabricate a situation to boost his own standing. My crux was the reason he would do that. He had no reason from what I knew.

Speculation for this also led me to question whether or not Caltin was the one having turned us into the Cross Administration regarding that informal fundraiser meeting last spring. I met with Caltin one night before the end of June at the Slack, where he discussed with me his reason for withdrawal. Again, it was coursework, but he emphasized how much he actually enjoyed taking part in the Society. So now at this point, I have my doubts. Furthermore, he did not mention anything suspicious, and was seemingly on friendly terms with me again; so I dared not ask.

I had been debating with myself on whether or not I should raise this concern with Dungeonmaster Landon to possibly investigate, when I received an invitation from Thomas Mack to dinner at the Standler in Ebony Town. I remembered him from earlier this year; he was the one who sang and pranced around the Slack at the University and drew unwanted attention, yet landing our Society a deal to secure much-needed funding to build a larger Caucus Chamber. This invitation, I was sure, was a call for a return favor.

So I dressed accordingly and appeared at the Atrium Restaurant on the first floor of the Standler. It was just me and him meeting up, as I discovered. And when we were seated at our table, the very first words out of his mouth were: "It was me."

"What'd you mean?" I said, my mind still on the fundraising deal.

"The freeze," he said. "The Big Arturian Freeze."

Now I understood. "How'd you do it?"

"When I remade my avatar this spring...and no need to worry who it was; for I've unmade him now...I decided to plant a Frost Spell in your rival ship, which you sprung obviously. It was actually meant to only freeze you, but I made a mistake. There was a very simple stanza in the script I meant to temporarily cancel out. Only..." He put his face in his palm. "...How forgetful I was. I forgot to put it back in. It was supposed to stop an infinite chain reaction."

"Tom," I said. "When I said 'how'd you do it?,' I meant 'could you show me the script you used so that we can reverse this?'"

He agreed to this. After we finished our dinner, he went to his hotel room upstairs and fetched a spellbook. After looking, I realized that a simple reversal spell on the seed clause was all that was needed. Reluctantly, he accepted my invitation to come back with him to Zachary Landon's Office and work on a resolution.

That meeting was on June 22. By the end of June 23, the Arturian Realm had returned to normal. Albeit there were some advantages lost for some of the Arturian entities when the Sea returned, much to their disappointment. But nonetheless, morale overall for the Society began to improve in short time.

Also that week, Landon, having previously announced earlier this year that he would step down for next year, publicly recommended to the Caucus to vote for me as the next Dungeonmaster, crediting what he saw was cunning strategy in reversing the Big Freeze of the Arturian Realm as well as my bold stand against Martin Cross. I had answered to a call earlier from numerous Members earlier this year, but I had been reluctant to follow through. However, I began to realize that if I did not rise to this, the Society was in danger of lacking bold leadership, especially in whether the change as we, successfully by the way, renovated the shaft chamber below the University Council Building and turned that shaft chamber into our new Caucus Chamber.

So I made my campaign over the Ticketer. And last week, the Caucus confirmed through the vote that they wanted me to fulfill Zachary Landon's role. So that I will do.

I will admit, status quo of the Society has quite improved since earlier this year.

**END OF STORY THREE**

<- 23 May 1250 <- || -> Story Four: Meon Bell ->