#i mean i graduated from college
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yes i am an adult male who loves high school dramas this is because i literally never experienced normal coming of age drama like ever and am disconnected from the collective experience of having a relatable peer group forever hope that helps
#i JUST want to experience high school#without like. my whole shitty life thing having gone on#i want to go to high school and have stupid drama and sexuality crises and worries about grades#not... That#i never had that im never going to have that#can i get (one) permission to go a little crazy if i survive into a university#fuck everyone befriend and be-enemy everyone get all up in peoples stupid mind numbingly low stakes drama#i want that sweet golden experience where the worst thing ill ever fear is annoying my classmates#or accidentally spilling something on someone at a dance#i deserve it i deserve to have had a childhood and a young adulthood and a life#i deserve to have dealt with unserious issues to prepare me for bigger ones#rather than serious danger that leaves me permanently severed from normal people and life#and makes me incapable of reacting proportionally or finding it in me to care about less serious problems#like yes it sucks your mom is going to miss college graduation#but i thank my lucky stars that you are not dying or being abused or starved or beaten or exploited#i literally dont know how to take things seriously a lot of the time like im not able to even if i try#because to me the mildest real problem is someone purposefully isolating you and ruining your health#the MILDEST#i try to care ab simple stuff i really do i just CANT#and it sucks so much trying to be a good friend and kind feeling like i cant do enough#the loud thought 'i wish that hapoened to me/i wish i worried about that/i wish the people i love only had that as a problem'#i get so envious. like thank fucking god your parents divorced like normal adults when it should be over#thank fucking god that 'friend' cut you off when they were actively insulting you and betraying your trust#thank the fucking universe that shitty partner dumped you before you fkn hurt yourself over them#yk?#and its a 'mean/cold' way to think about it but i just dont have the capacity to think or feel the little picture#i can imagine my friends subjected to such horror even tho i dont want to
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Val Is Pretty Sure She Might Be Losing Her Mind, more at 11
#okay so y’all. do you happen to remember Alcott Boy? the guy I had a crush on from school last year (or really the whole time I’ve been in#college honestly) who had Opinions on Little Women#yeah him. anyway I thought I was over my crush on him but GUESS WHAT it’s back and worse than ever#like I only have one class with him that’s once a week but guys guys I feel like I’m LOSING MY MIND like. I’ve never felt the urge to#actually go up to a guy and say ‘hey do you wanna go out with me?’!! like I would never actually do that but the urge is most definitely#there??? and it’s not even that he’s cute (although I mean I think he’s cute) but he’s really really intelligent and funny and very notably#always willing to bring up his faith in class discussions (and this isn’t really the campus for that) and I’ve always admired him for that#(this is also the boy that looked at something I wrote in fiction class and said ‘that’s it that’s what love is supposed to be like!!’ LIKE#) and I genuinely don’t know what to do#like should I be concerned that I feel this strongly so soon after The Boy?? should I be concerned that this might just be limerance???#my roommate has been offering to talk to him for me and ask if he’s single and is it insane that I’m actually considering it???#like if I’m going to now is the ideal time—I’ve already had my class with him this week and spring break is next week#and I’m certain he would never make me feel bad if he didn’t feel the same. but if he did wouldn’t he have said something by now? I don’t#know I don’t know I don’t knooowww#but I graduate in two months and I don’t want to regret it for the rest of my life
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things i would change in lita if i were in charge:
put Rain in a dorm room instead of living at home
a large part of why Phayu/Rain doesn't work for me is because we don't get to see Rain develop on his own...ever, really. he's in college, but he's living at home, living off his parents' money, still updating his mom on his where abouts like he's in high school. he goes from being closely entwined with/dependent on them to being highly dependent on Phayu. Phayu/Rain didn't come off as "Rain's making stupid and risky decisions but that's part of growing up," which i would've enjoyed, it comes off as ".....no, seriously Rain, can you make this decision?"
moving Rain into a dorm would've given him some much needed independence. even if though he would've still been reliant on his parents financially, there's still the growth that comes from being away from your parents' daily influence, managing your own space, managing your own personal well-being, etc. that would've been Rain's starting point for independent growth. vs canon, where Rain's start in independent growth was an intensely sexual relationship with a highly independent guy (nooot really anything i'm comfortable with myself). Rain can enjoy being coddled/spoiled/etc (which i like! good for him!), but the writers never gave him a chance to figure out who he was on his own, so the relationship as is doesn't land for me :/
more Phayu interacting with the garage family
i really like the glimpses of Phayu's character that we get. he has a lot of contradictions that look like so much fun to explore, but his characterization often gets shuffled to the side in favor of kink. the most interesting Phayu scenes are always the ones where it's not just him and Rain which......really sucks. the Prapai/Sky sex scenes reveal a lot about them as individual characters as well as how they interact with each other. Phayu/Rain sex scenes kinda touch on how they act together, but the main thing they do is tell me more than i want to know about the writers' personal kinks. hell, most of what Rain learns about Phayu as a person is discovered through other people--which is really annoying! i want to be learning more about this guy through his interactions with Rain, not primarily the gossip other people tell Rain. that doesn't happen until like, ep6-7, which is the literal end of their personal arc and mostly spent away from each other. sighs.
more Saifah
quality character, highly underutilized. i love his eyerolls, but the writers never really did much with him to bring him past that point :( i can extrapolate a lot, but canon developed Sig in the second half of the show more than they did Saifah for all of it. Saifah is Phayu's literal twin brother and business partner, and some random architect student got more of a character than him. this is not a complaint on Sig, i fucking adore that guy, but it's a bizarre writing choice.
more kidnapping aftermath
seriously. what the fuck. TWO kidnapping scenarios, the entire reason why i watched this show, and you guys couldn't cut out any of the 1905t59488993e repeated scenes to give me more than 2 minutes of kidnapping aftermath? who the fuck even cares about trucks driving on roads
things i would not change in lita if i were in charge:
Chai showing up to rescue Phayu and Rain wearing a zebra print shirt. sensational. 10/10, no notes
#love in the air#didn't mean for this to be so heavy on phayu/rain but there's not really anything i'd change about prapai/sky#their arc has settled in my brain and rattled me to my bones#the only thing i'm >:( on is the lack of kidnapping aftermath#and the way the mafia was utilized but thats what crossovers are for#but phayu/rain........sighs#the writers clearly have a big/little kink#not my kink but cool for them#but college graduate / college freshman isn't a huge age/experience difference#so they massively exaggerated it by making Rain as literal childish* as they could while making Phayu over competent**#by not developing the first part of Phayu/Rain properly the second half doesn't land#*childish as in still dependent on parents/still living at home/still hugely naive like a child with little *chance* for independent growth#**except in rescuing boyfriends from kidnapping. i have no complaints its fucking great i wouldnt change a single thing#the other odd thing about the Phayu/Rain big/little kink is that it clashes badly with the fantastic point they made with Sky's arc#and how his age+gen isolation+lack of grown experiences#left him extremely vulnerable to Gun's manipulations and grooming#SIGHS
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stranger danger clearly didnt teach doc a damn thing jesus😭😭
#stranger fucking danger???#like u get taught this#doc pls#just remember stranger danger???#oh look some ‘people’ are fighting! i should go help!#NO DOC.#THAtS a 6’5 DEMON DOC#WHATRE U DOING?!!!#i mean ig it worked out..??#if being tied up and then being ok makes that work#doc is my pookie!!!#even if they kinda dumb😭😭#not as dumb as freelancer..? maybe??#did doc graduate from a magic college or are they still in it?#im so confused#redacted audio#redactedverse#redacted asmr#redacted doc
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God, I will never not enjoy how surprised nearly all my younger students get when they find out how much I know about video games. Like... but you're my teacher... and you're nearly 30... and you're a woman... how can this be??? 🤯
#my favorite thing is when they start trying to convince me to play their favorite games and report back to them about what i thought of them#it's so cute#plus honestly they already normally get so shocked when they see my gaming laptop... then they find out i actually use it hahaha#i am proud of the fact that i've been told i type fast by 12 year olds... that is a real compliment... they type SO fast themselves#god... on another note one little girl once saw my laptop stickers and asked me what year i graduated from miskatonic university#and then i told her it's a fictional school and she said “oh so you didn't go to the college of winterhold either?” 😂#once one kid asked me if i have a husband and kids and when i said no to both of those she goes “oh i guess you're alone” 😂😂#and then i told her i live with my two best friends and we mostly play video games and board games and tabletop rpgs all day#and then she said she wants to do that too lol#i told her she should do whatever she thinks will make her happy ofc#it is just amusing when kids meet an adult who doesn't act the way they expect... but honestly they adapt to new info so fast#i mean ofc they do they are designed to learn basically everything is new to them#they are funny because they get so shocked and then instantly recover
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what do u meannnnnnn i'm abt to be post college graduation 🧍🏻♀️🧍🏻♀️🧍🏻♀️
#apparnelty some family friends coming to my graudation#bc ig i'm the first in the generation to graduate or whatever the fuck#and like whatever that's fine but ffs i wish they would've come to my show instead#that i co directed and literally love sos o so oso sosososoososooo much#so so so proud of that#i don't give a shit abt my graduation tbh lmfao TT#so it lowkey doesn't mean much to me that they want to come to my graduation ;-;#it would've meant so fucking much if i knew they would be able to come#and want to see that and i could like suggest hey instead come see this show LMAO#like it probably wouldn't have happened but whatever#also just like i have like no motivation and no interest in stats at this point lmfao#ALSO bc these ppl all gonna be fucking talking abotu and asking abt what i'm doing after#I DON'T KNOWWWWW what i'm fucking doingggggggg#i alr get enough talk from my mom abt how i'm not applying to enough jobs#i dont need family friends to also be asking me and my answer just being ha idk#i'm fucking staying at college tho like on campus bc i'm a fucking loser and don't want to move on#like not rly. i'm kinda trying to see it as like#the alternative would've been me at home being a loser lol#and that would've been so annoying and even if this isn't the 'right' thing to do or most traditional#at least i'm choosing to do it ig#and i get to stay in this club w my bestestestestest friends for another yr#idc if i'm like not moving on when i should LOL too bad for me that's a future problem#and also kinda figure out this weird right after college time period w my friend who i'm rooming with#ok. slay that was. acool turnaround from me lmfao just . yeah ok that's the positive side ig lmao#anyway i also dont give a shit about graduation bc i hate my university rn lmfao :) and the world is burning down#jeanne talks#i am . procrastinating#imagine knowing what the fuck i learned in this class this whole semester#ugh literally two group projects to end on and two of the most boring annoying group project experiences i've had LMAO
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It's almost funny how I talked with ppl from school like 'fair warning, lots of people overestimate me because I look like I've got it all sorted and I get good grades but please please listen to me when I say I can't cope' 'ohhh no we're not going to overestimate you!'
Guess what happened?
#Iconic!!!! Iconic the pattern of my life#Literally 'knowing how to learn' + having self insight etc? Makes people think I'm healthy normal functioning#When both skills were developed to try to cope with my inability to function in daily life#Studying? I did research for a long time and got to know myself so I can study efficiently bc I don't have a lot of energy.#Self insight comes from navigating group homes and care all by myself because all my mentors would leave within months#Iconic#Being able to sit in a chair and contemplate things does not equal being able to participate in society 🙃#Unfortunately being on the spectrum + having undiagnosed untreated trauma means i have very little energy#And my ~ compensating by contemplating ~ also takes. Energy.#(Over)thinking to navigate the world is my life lol and I think its okay as long as i can find a place where i can like. Live.#Id like to graduate high school 🤡 start therapy 🤡 reassess after like a year of therapy#To see if i can like. Go to college or get a job i can cope with.
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Around what age do the trolls go through pupation?
I think it ranges over a sweep or two, starting a little younger with lowbloods just because they live way shorter lifespans overall, but by the timeline I've set up it seems like around 14-ish sweeps, at least for purplebloods. Like, a bell-curve in the 13-15 range, with the majority all going at once somewhere around the middle.
#ask time!#that's just what it's like to be 27 tbh#every color has their own bell-curve and they're all fairly close together but a rustblood would probably pupate like#a sweep earlier maybe on average.#it's easy to go ''oh troll pupation=human puberty'' but I don't like that#1. these are bug aliens from killplanet deathorb and I don't want to give them 1:1 life-cycles with humans#2. the weird reinvention of self that goes on in someone's twenties is much more interesting to me as a concept anyway#did I physically turn into mush and vanish into a cocoon when I graduated college and moved out of my parents house??? no!#but boy it sure the fuck felt like it#I came back out and I was the same person but my skin was tougher and my fangs were longer and not all the damage was fixed but#I at least had a new rebuilt body to weather my damage with#and I mean I was already writing a twenty-something Gamzee and I wanted to write pupation so it worked out haha
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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What do you mean I'm going to be 24 this year what the fuck.
#vent tag: i never let them see the worst of me#im still trying to cope with the fact that its been almost two years since i graduated from college and im still unemployed#and i dont have self-governed means of transportation#im gonna puke#who the fuck allowed me to exist this way
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Hey proof that I still exist! Have some angst
#queued post#triple threat sonic au#my art#I go on unplanned hiatuses from this blog a lot guys I’m sorry that I don’t give you any warning.#until I graduate college this year juggling both school and work and other family and religious responsibilities is gonna be a little crazy#😅#I love all those things—it’s just a lot at once!#My pen possessed me to draw this the other day after a lovely conversation with my friend and fellow AU plotter punkinspice#I definitely was supposed to be sleeping shh don’t tell anybody#I want you guys to know I haven’t forgotten your asks! Including the ones that are like a year old. oof. sorry guys.#I think I’m going to answer more asks in the future in this very sketchy style. It means ill get things out a lot faster.#got to be less of a perfectionist and just have fun!#more of that will happen once I graduate :)#sonic au#asks#shadow#sonic fanart#shadow the hedgehog
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I'm the same age as Neopets and I don't know how to feel about this 🫠
#goin thru it lads#and by 'goin thru it' i mean 'i made a neopets account and am currently stuck in purgatory till they grace me with an activation code'#oh my god i mightve had better luck getting in to my account from when i was 9 <-(lying) (doesnt remember username) (old email is LONG gone#its turning 25 this year. im also turning 25 oh my god. neopets is old enough to have graduated college#neopets
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emily wilson out here translating the iliad and i am once again wishing i knew how to read and translate ancient greek
#listen where there’s a will there’s a way but i just finished my degree audit and looks like i will only be able to manage a classics minor#with latin emphasis (unless i abandon latin for greek which i’m not going to do even though it pains me)#but i really want to make my own iliad someday….#at this rate i’ll only ever end up making a queer prose adaptation and be criticized for projecting modern notions of sexuality onto a#completely different set of values and social understandings of homosexuality….#(which. if anything there should be more gay people in the song of achilles. don’t be mean to me i promise i understand ancients)#anyway i might just have to make a book of poetry or a novel adaptation or whatever whatever but what if i want to learn the script#and painstakingly translate every single word through years and years of dedication. while also being a librarian as my main thing#shdhdhdf i’m never gonna be classics scholar enough to professionally translate. and if i were it would be latin. but i can dream….#anyway i’m no longer failing my french class (have a 70% that should only be going up) but i’m still failing historical linguistics#my latin grade is great i’m acing it but my library science class is a D (which should be fixed in two days though — just needs more data)#so i am giving myself permission to sleep early tonight and go into class well rested for once. i’m not feeling well but that’s a constant#anyways if anyone reads the wilson iliad let me know!! i’m a fake fan of her work and haven’t read her odyssey (something about the iliad….#there’s a brutality and a raw humanity to it that puts the odyssey at a lower priority to me) but im so freaking excited to read her iliad#i have to prioritize schoolwork but soon. i’ll have to ask my latin teacher about it tomorrow though she’s an iliad enjoyer#anyway good news i think i’ll be able to get a history major with certificates in digital studies and classical studies (the two genders….)#and graduate comfortably in four years with honors in the major. this is ignoring how i’m failing my classes. i promise i won’t be forever#anyways the point is: wilson’s iliad — i will read it as soon as possible and i’m very excited#also i checked out a book from the library called the lexicographers dilemma: the evolution of proper english from shakespeare to south park#but i haven’t had the chance to read it and soon it will be due…. college is evil i’m too busy learning things to learn other things!!!!#anyway if i do honors in the major then i’m excited to eventually earn credit from a capstone thesis which i would do on lexicography#throughout history with an emphasis on classification systems and basically peter mark roget#ok anyway. wandering all over the place but the point is. wilson’s iliad. very exciting. can’t wait to find the time#and eventually i will write an iliad adaptation of my own i will. just not a full translation shdhdf that’s an unrealistic goal#especially when again. my capstone project is going to be about taxonomy of ideas. ancient epics are secondary….#anyway i hope everybody is doing well!! i am going to bed soon-ish but other than that i am around so lmk if you need anything#me. my post. mine.#college talk#delete later
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i feel so anxious rn
#on one hand i want to do nothing bc. senioritis#but also. because i'm doing nothing. i'm running out of time to do things#*staring at my piano solo that i'm trying to take to state but haven't even touched*#*staring at fafsa*#*staring at driver's ed*#*staring at actually deciding what fucking university i'm going to go to*#i haven't had any mental breakdowns but like i feel like i'm close#it's like a constant dread#i hate thinking about the future but now i don't have much of a choice#plus no matter where i go for college i'm going to be alone#like...i feel horrible because most of my friends are going to the same place. and i'm just gonna be alone and forgotten about#and they'll prob say 'no we'll keep in contact and visit' but will that actually happen?#and even if it does i'm going to inevitably be left out of everything#if i go one place then at least i'll only be an hour away but my parents are pressuring (and manipulating) me into not going there#and they'll be pissed if i choose that and i don't know if i can deal with them and their passive aggressiveness.#but the other option is at least three hours away from any friends#and i don't have social media outside of tumblr...like i can get an instagram but at this point it probably won't be until i graduate#because my mom is so adamant on hating it and she'll be pissed at me if i make one without telling her which means i have to ask#and then there's the passive aggressiveness again and she'll probably try to stalk everything i do on there#and additionally the university option that my parents hate has the better linguistics program#and every time i mention that they get so pissed at me. and my mom's like 'we're just trying to protect you'#at this rate i'll probably never have a stable career or friends or anything#i'm just so fucking scared#i know when people say someone 'peaked in high school' they usually mean like popular kids and stuff#but like i feel like high school is going to be my peak. i think my life is going to fall apart after this
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sidenote but [college] has a program to get an mfa in creative writing but no entry level or mid level classes Like they start at the 500 level And its so baffling to me. go big or go home i guess
#text#which means theres only 2 colleges in my state that offer a non masters level creative writing program and i already went to one and dr#dropped out#and the other one.my ex goes to . which idrc i think she'd have graduated by the time i'd go anyway but#its also like 2hrs away from where i live & at the moment.being far away from everyone i know sounds um bad considering it went#really bad last time.so#AND I DONT EVEN KNOW IF I WANT 2 GET A CREATIVE WRITING DEGREE LIKE I *DO*#BUT THE MORE I THINK ABT IT THE MORE I WANT TO DOUBLE MAJOR W/ A PSYCH OR SOCIAL WORK TYPE OF THING IDRK#WHICH WOULD ALSO PROBABLY PAY MORE. BUT ALSO. I LVOE TO PUT WORDS ON PAPER#aghghghghghhhhhh Ok done now.sorry
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I'm 5 fucking seconds from choosing to be homeless and live out of motels lads
#the abusive family is at it again#on this episode of My Family Is Shit: brother gripes that frozen food I made wasn't a 5 star meal; same brother shits all over my education#and r slurs me despite having graduated + college courses and he's nearly flunked 2 grades and gets most of his “knowledge” from Andrew#Tate; both brothers bash me for wanting sterilization claiming it makes me an awful person then proceeding to tell me that 'no one would#ever *want* to rape me' when I brought that up as a concern and that I 'need to trust people more'#when in fact we are in one of the reddest states and they haaaaaaaaate childfree AFABs here plus I get perceived as a lesbian a lot#I'm sorry but you don't get to decide what I do/don't do with my body and me not wanting kids by ANY means at all does not make me a bad#person; I DON'T owe anyone trust when they haven't earned it; and fuck off with your degrading comments about my weight and appearance we#aren't playing the “you owe men conventional attractiveness” game#I owe no one a baby ESPECIALLY not abusers#and on the note of the food I owe no one a good culinary experience. This is not a restaurant; I didn't go to culinary school; and you're#not Gordon fucking Ramsey so shut the fuck up fr
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