#i need out i cant stay like this forever | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

roses-and-elixir · 4 months

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I am so shattered

#i had to ask to come into work late today bc i was up until 3:30am doing work errands #and now i hv a massive headache #i need out i cant stay like this forever

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nezz-cringe-crib · 6 months

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lawlight angst hc (spoilers)

i started reading the death note manga and there's this one panel talking about light's nightmares and i like to headcanon that those nightmares never go away. even when his memories are gone in the yotsuba arc, he's still having nightmares that he doesn't fully understand but he knows it has something to do with him possibly being kira. he always brushes it to the side though and keeps gaslighting himself into believing it's not true. i especially like to headcanon that the night he gets his memories back, the night before he kills L, he has the worst nightmare he's had since the start of all of this and it completely ruins him. like he just wakes up in a sweat and starts sobbing, to the point where he can't even try to deny himself from anything anymore. i also like to think that on this same night, him and L are sharing the same room together despite not being handcuffed anymore. L probably requests it just because his suspicions are up again, and watching light wake up in a complete panic is the last piece of evidence he needs. but instead of acting on this, he just chooses to ignore it. because despite everything, light is his friend. and he would like to die knowing that the night before his passing, he was beside his friend, not his murderer.

the panel in question btw:

#death note #headcanon #l lawliet #light yagami #lawlight #im gonna make a comic of this later absolutely #i just needed to get it out rn #plus itd be cool seeing other people's takes on this #i honestly cant remember a lotta the specific details on whether or not L and light still stayed together after de-handcuffing #but i like to imagine it like this anyways #they are my forever doomed gay yaoi and they will stay in my heart #angst #nezz brainz

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starwikia · 7 months

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suicide cw

look i have been in this area before mentally. it sucks and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. but, and this is going to sound callous, but i don’t feel any sympathy for james somerton. even if i hope he’s like. not dead. But thats all the amount of goodwill im willing to give him. The more i think about this really, the more angry i am.

ngl this entire situation is another example of how white people weaponize their mental illness to avoid consequences. Im seeing it in real time.

this man has a continuous habit of using self-harm as a get-out-of-jail-for-free card. in both of his apologies, he has worded his supposed attempts in ways that were clearly meant to guilt people who displayed his plagiarism and overall horrendous history of racism and misogyny. i say supposed because, while i’m not saying those are lies and this would he such a fucked up thing to lie about that i don’t want to think he has, unfortunately, it’s been proven again and again that his word can’t be trusted, as he’s known to lie to try get out of consequences. Hes a proven liar. him lying about this is actually the best case scenario, because no one should go through this entire situation, wouldnt wish this on anyone, but you can only do this so often before people stop sympathizing with you. is this callous? Yeah, but like. I’m actually fucking angry he cant straight up take no as an answer. that this is how he reacts realizing he cant be one of the Cool Kidz™️ on youtube anymore. he acts like he DESERVES a career, like its not a privilege hes lost due to his own actions.

He lied about apologizing and forgiving people, he lied about giving the money to hbomberguy to give to ppl he ripped off (yknow, instead of doing it himself), he lied about the jessie gender situation and rewrote the narrative to make it so he isnt the bad guy, and hes the victim all along actually!

you can’t tell me that supposed last message of his isn’t meant to be a 13 reasons why esq attempt to deflect the blame “look i’m going to kill myself and it’s all YOUR PEOPLES FAULT for not letting me achieve my DREAM of being filmmaker IN PEACE!!! I just wanted Nick’s (the guy who I have thrown under the bus again and again) portfolio up!! Im just being a good friend dont you all FEEL BAD” he refuses to take ANY ACCOUNTABILITY of any of his actions and he IS STILL trying to shove the blame over to other people again.

it’s also pretty ironic people are like “uhhh well hbomber’s fans harassed him!!!” like hbomber outright told people NOT to HARASS JAMES!!! ALSO acting as if james doesn’t have a very real documented history of STRAIGHT UP sending his fans to harass and threaten smaller creators, more notably women, trans, and bipoc creators. especially after he’s stolen typically very personal anecdotes so he could profit from them. so why can he do it but the second people are like “hey this guys an actual piece of shit.” and he can’t handle it suddenly people are trying to white knight his shit? like no he doesn’t get that. he doesn’t get that at all just because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his actions.

what? were supposed to stay quiet about a man profiting off of other minorities because he wanted to be the spokesman for all gay people? people tried to solve this on a smaller, more private scales for YEARS and he kept doing it. it was clear that the giant public video was the ONLY way to get people to notice. HE WOULDVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH STEALING 87 FUCKING THOUSANDS WORTH OF DOLLARS. HE CANT HANDLE THE FACT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT.

am i supposed to feel bad for the guy who basically threatened a trans woman with the police? i don’t care what anyone says, it’s so fucking obvious that he threatened jessie by implying he was getting the police involved in their conflict. what am i supposed to act like that didn’t happen? are we supposed to pretend like he didn’t glorify nazi’s and outright said that gay people made up a good chunk of the nazis? That he didnt say america joined ww2 bc they were jealous of the NAZIS. WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO FUCKING SAY THAT. but then? He gives women (not even women most of the time, he misgenders nonbinary ppl constantly) shit for writing mlm. are we supposed to act like he doesn’t straight-up sees himself superior and better than people of color and steals their works to put himself on a pedestal? Are we supposed to act like he didnt spit on our elders by saying “only the boring gays survived aids” like man! Fuck you! He BLANTANTLY MAKES UP HISTORY TO PUT HIMSELF ON A PEDESTAL!! HE ACTIVELY TRIED TO REWRITE LGBT HISTORY TO SUIT HIS FUCKED UP NARRATIVES!

yes this sucks ! no one deserves this but no one should be making him a martyr. Thats what he fucking WANTS! He wants to be immortalized as a victim!! (again, supposedly, it was reported hes alive but its not confirmed).

The shit he got isnt near the amount of fucking callous behavior hes done again and again. Again, to drill this point, EVEN IF HE DIDNT CALL THE POLICE HE THREATENED A TRANS WOMAN INTO THINKING HE DID!!! The fact he tried to use a head injury to justify years of the outright ghoulish shit fucking astounds me. Why the fuck did anyone in his life thought it was a good idea to let him TRY to come back. in the end, he had options. he didn’t need to try to make a comeback. HE DIDNT NEED TO FUCKING LIE OR IGNORE THE SHIT HE WAS CALLED OUT ON the reality is, he wanted to come back thinking he could shove it under the rug, was told that no dude, you’re not allowed to be a youtuber anymore. you’re done. you need to move on and went full nuclear. it’s not on anyone’s hands but his own. HES BEEN DOING THIS TO HIMSELF!! But nah man we cant call his shit out bc hell may or may not kill himself. Fuck the other minorities who have the same issues but worse and sometimes BECAUSE of him. This is going to SUCKKKK so bad when other ppl, specifically white gays, are going to weaponize this shit to get away with their stuff.

#warning: do not read this post if you want me to be nice to james somerton. i am extremely mean in this post.#before anyone accuses me of shit i legit never contacted him myself or anyone involved. i am someone who witnessed this behavior repeatedly #again. i hope hes alive and well. the fact is him lying about this WOULD BE THE IDEAL SITUATION. BC NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THAT. but.#he HAS to forever be the victim in his eyes. attempting doesnt automatically mean youre free of sin.#its just terrible to see that regardless whether or not he did do it #its very clear his attempts to run away from his consequences are working on some people #we need to acknowledge that if your shitty ex friend can weaponize a threat to kill themselves #so can this internet person after being called out for horrendous shit #like what was the alterative? what were people supposed to fucking do? be nice about it?#yeah as if poc and trans women arent historically given shit for being 'too mean' about wanting justice.#this isnt just the plagiarism this is the fact a white dude has been parading himself as THE speaker for the gays(tm) but has been using hi #gayness to shield himself from his misogyny racism transphobia and antisemitism #its very clear regardless this means that ppl r going to side with him and then give him benefit of doubt #if you cant handle the heat stay out of the fucking kitchen dude. this is the consequences of your fucking actions.#hes a disgusting person who cant handle being told no so hes going to drag everyone down with him #like. idk this entire situation is frustrating to me.#its also frustrating ppl trying to be moral abt it like 'see! i knew this was bad all along!' no you didnt. shut it.#for the record im like mainly talking abt twit watching those spineless uwu cutesy ppl basically saying hes done noting wrong #oh and also alt righters who are clearly weaponinizing this where u know they wouldnt give a shit if a right ytber did this.#james somerton #idk might delete this later its just. ugh...

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spidvrbatz · 3 months

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Regressor!Bruce Wayne

x - x - x

(headcannons in tags 🦇💕)

// pt - dni: nsfw accounts //

#idk if i like this one or not #dc agere #moodboard tag #batman agere #agere batman #fandom agere #I DIDN'T PUT IT BUT THIS GUY IS A TODDLER #he toddles around n he loves teethers n blankies n stuffies #he prolly has a bunch of jellycats #he collects little stones n gives them to Alfred n Alfred puts them in a drawer #hes a trauma regressor so he cry's a lot n he's very emotional - when he's happy he'll cry n when he's sad he'll cry n when he's excited he #will cry #hes just a baby someone come take care of this boy IMMEDIATELY #likes to climb trees & has a hero complex - likes to play superhero n help alfred do everything #“i gots it i gots it...nnoo is otay i gots it i can do it mself”#a tiny tiny stutter where he drags his words on but only a bit #is sooo independent but reliant at the same time - he likes to play those games where you put the shape in the shape box #“papa..apa look..stars...”#lights up when he sees the sky n all the stars it has - probably knows exactly where to find the constellations #“n theres orion n big dipper”#loves bathtime..would stay in there forever if he could..rlly he just likes being warm n full n loved #he cant sleep without his lullaby (a recording of his ma singing him to sleep) n her pearls in his hand + his dads tie under his pillow #sniffles a lot cuz he cries so much n is always nodding off cuz crying makes u sleepy #A lot of tea for his aching throat cause he tries his best to hold in his hiccups n stuff..#Alfred just pats/rubs his back n lets him let it all out #looves chocolate- gets it all over his face n it needs to be wiped with a warm wash cloth/ baby wipe

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opens-up-4-nobody · 13 days

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...

#bleh. i need half the country to pls stop being on fire. id like to go out and run pls. but its so smokey i can barely see the mountain #i live near :-/ also im just tired and frustrated. its incredible how quickly i vasilate between #things r going well. i should stay in my program and work with cyanos forever. to no no no im not cut out for this. i gotta leave. to yay #let me throw myself head first into consuming every second of my life with working. but only on the things that dont require me to think #which is y im not cut out for this and should be bannished to a world of only doing lab work and following instructions #also i have an screening interview monday for an R0DBT group. so i might b going to control freak classes #assuming i cant convince the lady that im not fit for thr class. which obviously i am bc im my therapist listed the ppl who r #usually put into r0dbt and i was like hm im a lot of those things. but also its 2hrs every week and thats a lot of time. and i feel like im #already on the path away from violently structuring my life specifically bc ive done so much damage #ugh. also i have ridiculously high self standards but i only do anything halfway bc i cant fail if i never try 100%.#so im like a fake control freak. or rather i cant even fully commit to being controlling. im lazy and i dont have the drive.#which almost makes it worse bc im stading at this threshold of control where it destroys me but never actually succeeds in being a perfect #thing. which is def a distorted way to think about it but there u go. ugh. im just tired and my arm hurts too much to draw bc #im older and older everyday. and i dont wanna read papers. i dont wanna grade or work on my presentation. i didn't want to spend 3.5 hrs #doing transfers this morning. and my mom's been dead for 6months and 3 days now. and i still dont kno where ill be a year from now #unrelated

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skunkes · 10 months

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#JOB SEARCHING ON INDEED IS HELL I CANT EVEN GET PAST STEP 1.#how do i even pick what to apply for idek what 99% of these listings are talking about.#and 99.9% of them are scams im sureand im too stupit to sniff them out #talkys #the issue is i dont even Need a remote job as a whole #but i do need one while i live here bc taking comms pays more than any of the physical location jobs in my area #ykwim.#i need a remote job in order to save more to move out and maybe get a better one that is or isnt remote. and its #hard to find. augh #doesnt help that my home also sucks for remote job what with constant noise #like what else can i do. im not taking an $8/hr job here.#maybe i jst need to keep saving with comms...#figure smthng out. idk. but then ill just stay here forever bc i dont think i could find a job thatd help me move out to work at a new loca #ion ykwim #I WILL KEEP LOOKING o7

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quietwingsinthesky · 7 months

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at some point i am going to have to force even to go back and deal with donna & tentoo & rose & all and everything they ran away from. and that will probably involve them losing tentoo’s chameleon arch watch by giving it back to its rightful owner, whether she chooses to open it or not. and that is. not going to be a very fun or stable time for them.

#this part is v vague and fuzzy because i want to watch the rest of 12 & 13 and finish the doctor/donna specials before i set anything in #stone about it. but i think i need to rearrange some things in the timeline here vis a vis when the doctor is also forced to go back and #deal with his baggage.#i dont think 14 exists in even’s universe for this reason. and for the reason of tentoo kind of taking on his role? the human part of the #doctor who can stay with donna & with rose.#she’s also trans to me because i love trans!tentoo. her name is johanna. i think it’s pretty. i make a singular exception to my rule of #never changing characters names when i trans them.#but i think. what im getting at here is that this cant be a happy ending. not so cleanly. its more bittersweet.#like i think this version of the story. what i have so far. donna does remember. (tentoo doesn’t but that’s because she’s become her own #person. the doctor is who she came from but she isn’t just the doctor anymore.) and rose knows her doctor is out there and loves her but #she has her wife at home.#and even. oh even. you can’t hold onto a heart that’s not yours forever. you have to give it back.#this. i think. is a moment of respite and recovery for the doctor. and a really really low point for even. however this works out.#its not perfect but there’s kindness in it. and there’s a home to go back to. if they can bear it. both of them.#but like i said. this is all preliminary based on what i might play around with here. and how watching more of the show changes my ideas.#but i think. whatever revelations come in 13’s arc. i think in even’s universe they have to come after donna. i’ll find a way to make it #work.#but mostly right now the important thing is forcing even to give up the watch because why would i let them have one single comfort object <3 #dw oc

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bunnihearted · 8 months

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📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2

#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore #we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life #i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible #if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green #and later this year i think i might change my name #it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random #i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel #really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am #to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate #but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it #but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so #when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy #i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that #also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk.....#rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els #sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w #not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else #but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway #that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but #all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever #i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right?#i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not #im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help #it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning #nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my #feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions #i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary

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cinnamon-bunni · 22 days

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NOT okay right now im thinking abt pokemon leaving scars on their trainers + everyday, domestic problems.....

#this is abt my top gun au btw <3333 which will forever haunt me even though im less likely to write it everyday </3333 #like.....getting thin scars from rowlet as a kid which have now all basically faded to time #(though the ones gained as a teen from dartrix can still be seen)#while in the other hand always having angry red scratches along both arms because hes always holding up rufflet who fights like no tomorrow #(believe me; its better to hold him up and take the damage than put him down and let rufflet pick a fight with someone)#OR like....getting electrical burns because elekid doesnt know how to control its discharge yet. and the scars that stay bc of that #(which tbh is an ash + pikachu thing i would love to see)#or how one accidental poison jab from toxicroak will leave you utterly sick for days #(like serious he should probably go to a hospital or smth) and toxi just has the biggest saddest puppy dog eyes in existence it feels so ba #(its fine this has happened before he'll be fine. probably)#bruisings on your shins bc pawmot punches your legs to grab your attention or to get smth it wants....#rooms always being like ten to twenty degrees colder (or even more) when he has his ice pokemon out for whatever reason...#the reverse of that with fire types..... ough...#having to BEG flygon not to fly rn bc it starts a sandstorm every fucking time and it does it anyway #(PLEASE i took you out of your ball to eat dinner why cant yiu behave this one time)#and then dragonair fixing it to be clear skies again.....the never ending cycle....#any trainer who have pokemon that start sandstorm needing a pair of safety goggles for when they battle #(maybe even bringing a spare just in case or--if theyre kind enough--for their opponent to wear so they can see too)#dont even get me started on mythical pokemon interacting with the tg characters.....#anyway tried to stay as vague as possible for the characters lolol #bergmite is just a lil guy who wants to be carried around like all the other small 'mons....i am so sorry sweetie you are over 200 pounds #you cannot be perched on your trainers shoulder like someone else's rufflet can #having ice burns bc froslass tried to freeze him.....#anyway. can you tell i love pokemon #sorry to anyone who sees this in the pokemon tag </333 #delete later #i feel like im begging on my knees for someone to ask abt my au....but also if they did id die of embarrassment from answering it...#the pros and cons of having a dumb little au </3 #sigh maybe one day i'll write a fic... (<-keeps saying it but has written nothing for it (yet))

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rosykims · 10 months

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they make me so fucking insane. absolutely bananas mode

#tay plays dao #oc: elspeth #im genuinely sooooooooo glad u can pick that “i dont think theres a future” option without immediately breaking up lol #bc she WANTS a future with him !!!! she just doesnt believe she can have one anymore. and thats why she needs him so bad !!!#bc hes the only one who's ever made her feel like thats not true !!!!#god i love angst. i love sadness. i love it when pain means something and when hard times TEMPER a relationship instead of breaking it #the way i see their ~story~ working out (unrestricted by game mechanics i mean) is that elspeth stays a warden while he becomes king #but still staying with him as his closest ''advisor'' aka mistress.#but like. he thinks shes being an absolute idiot and doing her stupid martyr complex stuff as per usual #and spends several years trying to convince her to finally get a grip and marry him. bc he refuses to marry anybody else lol #anyway she finally finally says yes right before she leaves to cure the calling. so if she comes back (lol) then she'll become queen-consor #until then its this hopeless ''i cant be with you officially but i cant ever be without you'' dance forever <3 #AND I LOVE IT. I EAT IT UP EVERY TIME.

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oathkeeperoxas · 1 year

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I love it when I enter a new fandom and everyone there is so so so much smarter than me and has already written the fic I would write so I 1) can simply Enjoy it and 2) don't have the learn jack shit about how the us army works

#dont worry i dont think this is a forever fandom but i am enjoying my stay very much #how are fic writers so talented!!! who gave them permission!!!#also i am learning about the us army by osmosis whilw tearinh through all these fics and already have done 4 wikipedia dives rip #but its not for fic purposes but i still know more than last week #anyway. cant believe i fell for another general/commander ship #embarrassing. one time is chance but two times is a pattern #at three times its just like. THE trope i like in my pairings #surely i can get hot about the power dynamic in some other way where theyre not in the military augh #also if this ohase lasts any longer the temptation to write a codywan top gun au WILL spiral out of control and i dont need another #long fic on my hands so um. hopefully the winds change soon #that being said why is there no in depth military jargon codywan fic smh pls someone else wrote it before im forced to #personal

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fox-mulder-gets-pegged · 1 year

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Oh fuck benzodiazepines my beloved.....

#doc gave me a new med for my anxiety #just tried it (i uaually try any use as needed pill before i actually need it just so i know how it feels)#and holy fuck #i get like #horrible anxiety about sleep #like my brain reacts like im fuckin dying and i cant calm down and just sleep #so i have to stay awake until im about to pass out bc im too afraid to sleep #but oh wow everything feels fine im not shaking or crying or terrified of sleeping #like even sleeping pills dont help #i just get dragged into sleep but am terrified the whole time #this has just snuffed the fear out altogether #i dont think ive felt this kind of calm in forever #im gonna go to sleep now #willingly for the first time in a long time

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pending-trans-action-2 · 6 months

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#i think i need to just scream #maybe thatll help #i just saw an image on my dash thats made me wanna throw up its just some dumb meme i think but fucking hell it speaks a little too directly #to me and i feel like im hallucinating because theres no way it just. says that. its so specific #and now that i KNOW i have something truly genuinely wrong with me i cant trust anything i want to cry i want to be gone forever #i should have died then. instead im still here with my grim bloodied hands in everyones lives and now they wont let me leave #i just want it to stop!!! i want it all to stop!!! forever!!!#i dont care if youd miss me!!! i dont care if ANYONE would miss me!!! im in perpetual torture that will never end so long as i breathe!!!#i just want to be fucking gone!!!!! and i cant!!!!! because it would break his heart and its all my fault!!!!!#i shouldve stayed out of his life it would have been better that way. for both of us.

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