#horrible anxiety about sleep
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Oh fuck benzodiazepines my beloved.....
#doc gave me a new med for my anxiety#just tried it (i uaually try any use as needed pill before i actually need it just so i know how it feels)#and holy fuck#i get like#horrible anxiety about sleep#like my brain reacts like im fuckin dying and i cant calm down and just sleep#so i have to stay awake until im about to pass out bc im too afraid to sleep#but oh wow everything feels fine im not shaking or crying or terrified of sleeping#like even sleeping pills dont help#i just get dragged into sleep but am terrified the whole time#this has just snuffed the fear out altogether#i dont think ive felt this kind of calm in forever#im gonna go to sleep now#willingly for the first time in a long time
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so it happened again... another fic idea possessed me and i can't write it yet because i STILL don't have a laptop, but does anyone want to freak out about it with me anyway??? here's what the bio might be if i ever actually get to write it:
A young survivor of the Tarsus IV Massacre finds the katra of a Vulcan boy who failed his kahs-wahn. Together, will they survive being put back together?
i have everything in a convenient google doc so you can make comments if you wanted to! i would even love to collab with someone on it if it spoke to the right person :') idk :')
#especially if you're really into vulcan culture/sarmanda etc PLEASE i need help#literally woke up out of a dead sleep and started feverishly writing it down before work#almost made me late lmao#anyway i have horrible anxiety about sharing my writing/ideas and just want to be excited with someone :(#no obligation from either of us y'know?#also kinda terrified it's already been done#if so I'M SORRY#spirk#fanfic#kid!jim#kid!spock#sarek#amanda grayson#star trek au
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i absolutely am an idiot sometimes huh
#ate too much today#5 tacos in the day and 4 pizza slices for dinner#plus some other stuff for dessert earlier#feeling lightheaded also tho that's unrelated i just didn't sleep well today#feel like imma pass out if i lay down for a bit but if it's like yesterday I won't be able to sleep and just#keep jolting back up bc of my blood pressure being wonky bc of anxiety and shit#it's cool. :)#if i could make that face bold i would#i constantly have like 10 things going on that combine into a shittier thing that feels horrible#well not constantly but very frequent when im in bed at night#sitting in one place all day staring at a screen and eating a shit ton of food will do that to ya#but i never learn etc etc#also cool to have anxiety about nothing all the time#personal
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Broke: Goodneighbor is a hive of villainy and scum, fueled by the sickest desires of the wastes and a major output of the extreme influence of chems on the Commonwealth.
Bespoke: Goodneighbor is populated heavily by drifters, a majority of, if not all of which likely suffer daily from chronic pain, and mental strife as a result of lives, both long lived as Ghouls, and short as peoples born into a world that relies on the doctrine "kill or be killed" to get by. Self medication may be one of the few ways they manage these pains, and vilifying the use of these drugs, both used for recreation and to help them live rather then to simply survive, is incredibly ableist.
#personal#idk had a thought#a long drawn out thought#there are beds in the highest room of the state house for people to sleep in#a few outside where people lay there head as well yes#but are they sleeping in the mud like they do in diamond city?#can you imagine what jet is good for? anxiety depression?#med-x with it's pain numbing properties? psycho in how it can likely be used to start a heart again during surgery?#despite the horrible name ill admit#mentats and how ghouls could maybe use them to help deal with dementia?#you go into town and everyone is like are you a freak? welcome home#talk shit and get hit otherwise enjoy your stay#the mayor is around to shoot the shit whenever#i have feelings about Goodneighbor okay#if you show up saying anyone who uses deserves to be treated less then dirt#solely because of their substance use then we can't be in the same room#i wish they could go to a local pharmacy and have all of their bills paid for while they pick up a neat little prescription#but Alas it is the post apocalypse and the Institution can't be bothered to help recuperate the Commonwealth#i might be working on more goodneighbor world building because is fun
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work anxiety starting before work itself hahahahaahahahahahahhhaha
#IM BAKCIJ THE FUCKIGN BUIDLIGN .AGAIN. AUSUSUXHEHWHGLHKF#im grateful i have an internship for this summer with the way the job market is like currently.#im grateful that i have the opportunity to lessen the burden on my parents shoulders. im grateful that this job can pay rent and groceries#and tuition for a few terms im grateful i get to gain experience while still in school that will hekp me in the future#IM GRATEFUL FOR ALL THIS!!!!! BUT STILL I FUCLING HATE EVERYTHJGN#i hate being unable to eat anything ir sleep at night bc all i can think about is shit i have work tomorrow i have to email this guy and#finish these tasks and impress my manager and be approachable and enthusiastic and eager to learn and not make any mistakes#and not fail anything bc im getting graded on this its alwags grades its always the fucking grades#isnt it. it was the grades that had me crying on walks home from school when i was 9 and it was grades that made me waste away 9th grade#it was grades that made me unable to stomach anything during weeks with tests and it was and is still grades that#dictate every single fucking part of my life#and even tho the ppl who used to yell at me for getting a B in math in 5th grade are no longer yelling at me for getting 60s in linear algeb#ra and stats and calculus and cs#haha.ha when ur university is famous for its.. horribly high suicdie rates#i find that the yelling comes from me now. ive replaced the adults who would sit beside me at the dinner table#yelling bc yea guess what 8 year old me didnt understand division at first#god i hate this school so much. i hate what im studying im gratefula nd am so privileged to be ahle to further my educarion and receive#all these experiences mot everyone can have but god everytime i return to the city where the school is#i feel like throwing up and sobbing and just never ipening my eyes again#haha yea. i hope i csn get a job to support myself in the future#i hope i can still have time for hobbies#why si everyone at school so good at everything#ive met more people who have passed their rcm 10 and arct exams for piano than those who havent#i have classes with people who have already published research papers with professors in the states#my classmates can breeze through a cs assignment while still playing fir varisty teams. working out everyday. goijg ti parties.#eating and cooking balsnced meals each week. having a social life..the whole combo#meanwhile i get overwhelmed because i have to respond to an email and finish an assignment in one day#how do i become like them#why was this about work anxiety at first and why is it about the eternal imposter syndrome and lack of self confidence#i just want money man... i dont give a shit about snything anymore
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always fun to remind myself of the side effects of my thyroid meds
#the first time i treated my thyroid my endo was like ‘i havent had a patient who had this happen for a while so im due for one’ THANKS MAN#personal#im just waiting for it to hurry up and work. my health has PLUMMETED in the last week or so#im so sick and i can’t DO ANYTHING. including SLEEP. even if i was getting enough good sleep i was be exhausted but i’m not so.#the energy’s doing Great#and i’m so hungry all the time but also nauseous so all food is unappealing#genuinely have no idea how i made it through years 7-10 undiagnosed. no wonder i ended up with such a severe phobia of going to bed????????#i don’t have to worry about routine right now so it’s not as stressful (just horrible because i’m so tired) but i COULDNT SLEEP back then#im just relieved that this time it was found through a routine check rather than me getting a test because of symptoms#usually i test when my anxiety gets really bad in a specific way#but my anxiety isn’t bad this time. no panic attacks and also no migraines. those are all usually the worst to deal with#so comparatively this isn’t even a particularly bad episode?/relapse?/flare?#still more sick than i’ve been in……..years?#im not sure if covid was better or worse. but it was only really bad for a week#this’ll be worse overall because it’ll last a lot longer#hopefully only a month or two but that’s still a few months of my life that just vanish. cool!!!!!!!!!!!#and there wasn’t even a notable event to trigger it this time. first time was whooping cough and subsequent times have been things like—#starting uni and then the last 2 years of uni where i took 10 units in one year then overworked myself doing my thesis#im SLIGHTLY worried that maybe i’ve developed rheumatoid arthritis and that set it off because it’s also autoimmune#i should see my gp soon to get a general antibody test. my joint have been so bad it’s been hard to walk for quite a few months#idk man it all sucks. but for now at least i have my white blood cells (even if they’re literally the problem lmao)
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currently.
#purrs#what if i was experiencing ordeals so mortifying and horrors so horrible i could not talk about them to anyone in full honesty and truth and#transparency not even the dearest people in my life who love me and actively want to support me and listen to me or my tumblr mutuals who#are literally my bestest friends who live in my phone and in some cases outside of it so instead i locked myself in my rapunzel tower and pr#proceeded to cut off my hair and then cut off my dress and then cut off my brain so it could stop perceiving stimuli and reacting to it#despite wanting to get better and thinking it’s getting better and i couldn’t even tell my therapist because he doesn’t get me but it takes#too long to find a new one and i don’t have time and also my tower was getting renovated and also i was a little bug who was getting.#crushed by giant rain drops falling on my shell and bending my antennae so im dizzy and also it’s as almost midnight and i had to be up at a#work awake in 6 hours and ready to fscilitwtbeblike 3 things but i was screaming and howling and pounding on the floor over the dumbest most#normal sjit in the entire world that i couldn’t tell anybody i was struggling over because it would make everybody in the world blow up and#die and explode. what if i had to communicate the horrors through memes and vague posts every single day and that was all that was truly at#my disposal and everyone thougut i was being weird and standoffish and mean but really i was pulsing hurt like a strobe light every second o#of every day. becaus ei think if all of that was true i would simply go to sleep without doing the dishes and redacted redacted redacted red#redacted. and i wish i could. but i can’t. I’m just a little beetle and the rain drops are so huge. lol#delete later#puslng INCOMMUNICABLE hurt *. like morse code. like fire flies. Because literally… 💡💡💡💡💡#<- girl who has had separation anxiety since the day she was born. but also girl who never texts anyone back. girl who is a hypocrite 🥰
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🌌
#not me feeling so proud of myself for today and about to get some peaceful sleep#only for me to go into an anxiety spiral because a thing happened and it's like where there goes my 6 peaceful hours of sleep now#who the hell knows if I'll even get 5 god why am I like this 😩😩😩😩#sometimes wish I didn't exist that way I wouldn't have to worry about stressing about my existence horribly impacting everyone 👌🏽#god literally the vibes of that one song I can't think of the name of rn#😭😭😭😭😭😭#jay jabbers
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god fucking damn my life, bro. I find a couple of ants in my room and immediately freak out. I start feeling shit crawling on me and turn on a flashlight to go look for some hidden source, already hyperventilating. And then I remember I woke up late and didn't take my morning meds. Girl, we have a balcony and my mom keeps plants there. Calm the fuck down. You like having the window open. It's FINE. It's just ants.
Last weekend I skipped my morning meds two days in a row cuz I woke up late and I feared sertraline insomnia - which, yes, in hindsight was a bad idea - and on Sunday I had a full meltdown. Granted, also period-related, but god fucking damn it. I tore my whole room apart. I couldn't vacuum under my bed easily because of my desk's placement so I decided I was going to move furniture around and reorganize my room. On a Sunday afternoon, in the summer and with tendonitis. All cuz I saw some ants and couldn't verify with my own two eyes every corner of the room. And because I couldn't physically move the wardrobe and bookcase, I guess I took out my anxiety with the remaining furniture. And god fucking damn it, here I am again a week later.
I keep finding ants (3) running on my desk all of a sudden while I'm SITTING THERE and have no idea ("no idea") where they're coming from (engage the phone flashlight routine). I moved this bitch AWAY from the window and they're fucking HUNTING me or smth (it's 35ºC out, girl). I hate my life. And I hate that any suggestion of bugs makes me start feeling shit on my skin that isn't there. Dumb fucking brain. Anyway I need sleep and to take my sertraline asap or else.
#i can't express to you how badly I was doing last week#my mom wasn't home when I was remodeling but I was fantasizing about screaming:#''take those plants out of my side of the veranda or i'll throw them OR myself off the balcony''#i'm not suicidal don't worry it would be for the drama of the ultimatum#and then I took my meds the next day and I was calmer lol#but this has happened before. i believe this entire formication / almost delusional parasitosis started cuz i'm allergic to mosquitoes#and as a kid who lived with 3 grown people and had no power over them to close their damn windows - I attracted all the bugs#and I couldn't sleep and I heard and felt them near me and it was a horrible time#still at 23 i can only either pass out from exhaustion or more often find and kill them before I can sleep#when I was 14 or smth our cat also got fleas and I spent the most paranoids nights of my life suffering cuz they got into my bed#last year I slept over at a friend's house for a night and brought back what must've been a SINGLE flea#I'm not kidding you when I say I quarantined my room and slept in the living room for over a month. i was panicking#(i've since started anxiety meds)#I legit feared we had bedbugs and was looking at every single outlet and corner of my bed#our cat recently caught fleas and I combed through him to pick them out every day. that experience actually calmed me down about them#but it's when you can't see them / where they're hiding that's the problem#(it also taught me to let my cat in my room and then fleas become his problem LMAO)#(cuz his long fur 24/7 is way better than my legs for 8h I've been told lol)#anyway point is I get freaky when I suspect bugs are hiding somewhere#and that they're gonna bite me and I'm going to get super itchy and not be able to sleep#i start feeling shit on my skin and yes i know that's not normal. and I have to look at it to convince my brain to ignore it#i get jumpscared by my HAIR falling on my arms girl. that's embarrassing#what i'm ANGRY about is that this is about ANTS. who want NOTHING to do with me and every to do with idk leaves and crumbs#and I KNOW they're from the veranda. but nooooo someone is dumb and skipped her meds and now she's withdrawing and freaking out. about ANTS#EMBARRASSING.#as i'm typing this i'm scratching at myself for what is most likely 1) nothing 2) my hair or 3) cat fur#i'd bring this up to my therapist but he abandoned me </3 like they all do </3 i'm gonna develop abandonment issues at this rate LMAO#so uh anyway imma finish what I was doing (lie) and go to sleep (eventually) and take my meds#and hopefully remember to mention the formication to a health professional at some point lol#i just needed to write this down as evidence of how i'm feeling rn so tomorrow I can read this and say ''wow that was silly'' mkay? kay
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do you ever just
#I’m kind of dying a little but it’s cool#I had an appointment with a psychiatrist today and I feel like I’m kind of regretting it 😖#I went in mostly concerned about my autism and adhd and prepared to talk about/deal with those#but then she ended up prescribing me lexapro for my anxiety#so I went and did a bunch of research on that but I’m kind of terrified of taking it#because it seems like a lot of people get nasty side effects especially at first#and like having anxiety isn’t fun but I can push through that even if I’m an anxious wreck about some things#but like my autism and adhd affect my life a lot more#like being totally overstimulated in public or not being able to hold my focus at all are a lot bigger deal to me#and I’m horrible at communicating with people especially in real time rather than over email or whatever#so I didn’t really properly get across my concerns and just sort of let her prescribe what she wanted#idk now I’m having doubts and I’ve never really taken meds before beyond otc stuff or like the odd strep prescription when I was younger#especially nothing that messes with your brain like this one does#plus I just really don’t do well with not feeling well or not feeling like myself so that kind of freaks me out#and I really should be sleeping rn but I just need to get this stuff off my chest I guess#it’s like things weren’t totally fine the way they were but they were *fine* you know#not changing things is just easier I guess#I just like to be prepared and researched and this psychiatrist took me off guard#I just don’t know what to do now#if anyone’s read this far- has anyone else with audhd taken lexapro for anxiety?#did it go okay?#im kind of scared of it now#😮💨 okay I really need to go to sleep now#anxiety#autism#Adhd#actually autistic#Vent post#i guess? It was really just in the tags
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Sometimes I feel like doing this with my brain
#its 12 am and i should probably sleep instead of rambling but#man. its rough having your fav blorbo be a fucking terrible person#cause on one hand you have the villain woobifiers and people who just completely ignore major aspects of a character for a fucking ship#and on the other hand you have people who hate you for enjoying a character. and thinking said character is interesting#and yeah yeah i know not everyone will like me and i should just ignore it and keep on doing what i enjoy but. ugh.#and im also constantly worried that ill fuck up and become a villain woobifier myself#and im also constantly worried that when im writing my cannon blorbos ill fuck up and write something super ooc and people will get mad.#i think fandom was a mistake#but i also wouldn'tve met the besties without fandom so? you know. everything's got two sides#this is such a stupid thing to get all upset over but.#unfortunately i am a horrible man enjoyer this has been consistent my entire life.#and people usually dislike people who like your typical tumblr sexyman type character. which is fair most fans are insufferable#veils if you read this far this isnt abt you it's abt someone else. dont want to like start shit so i wont say names#but i saw. a vauge post from someone i thought was cool and i just. i knew it was directed towards the tags i left on their post#and i felt bad so now im having big anxiety over it. its really stupid i know#i am just going to retreat to my corner and hope to creation that im left alone. im just playing dress up with the blorbos#and like. they're entirely allowed to have their opinion im just. brain is convinced everyone hates me now for no fucking reason.#i gotta. work on this but idk how. therapy fucking failed cause i forgot about it 💀#but. i should sleep. its past 9pm so my brain is not to be trusted.#ok fuck it ill just say it i feel guilty that Emet-Selch is not only my favorite character but also my comfort character.#im not going to stop liking him because that wouldn't be fun. plus others opinions dont really matter i can like whatever characters i want
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another vent, don't mind me. just need to get things out
#vent#don't mind me#i think i may be developing postpartum depression and anxiety#which yes. i had an appointment with the midwife today to talk about it and we have a plan#but having a plan doesn't get rid of the feeling that i'm drowning#i just feel like all of it is too much. everything. i can barely get myself to feel excited about things right now#i look at my son and want to cry because i feel like i'm failing him. and my husband is being such a great support and assures me i'm not#he says that as long as i'm trying my best i'm not failing him. and i am. i really am trying my best. but it doesn't feel like enough#my husband seems to be doing the majority of baby care and i can barely manage to change a diaper right now#i'm here taking a bath and trying not to sob while he's out there watching the baby and seems perfectly content#i can't sleep without having a nightmare that something happened to my son. not even a nap. and that anxiety transfers to my awake hours#i broke down sobbing today and my husband had to calm me down because i could barely breathe#i just don't know what to do. i have a tiny human relying on me and i'm not even producing enough breastmilk to feed him#i don't regret having him. he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. but i hate feeling like this. like i'm failing horrible mom#i just don't know what to do anymore
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my dad called me his guardian angel and that i have more patience than my mom and i know i told myself he just says shit but like that actually helped cause same day he was like i do not want to be alone with you and ur crazy so like. that did help a lot!
#personal#he doesn’t mean it and apologizes when his mind comes back to him but like#still good to remember during the bad moments#and this will sound horrible but#it’s not bad. per say.#when he says the nice stuff#but sometimes i do get an uncomfortable spike of anger#it’s like he says stay with me don’t leave help me or calls me nice names like guardian angel or something else#and it’s a flash of anger like im not made for you i don’t exist just for you#and obviously he doesn’t mean that#but hearing that from the guy you’re basing ur whole life around for the past few months#who due to things out of his control and frankly some of his own nature can get pretty nasty#and god im pretty sure it’s just the demita and anxiety but he’s so needy#like my mom can’t get any sleep or space around him#and my dads acting like their married with all aspects and my moms allowing it bc she has her own complicated feelings on the matter#but mostly for him so that’s cool to watch in real time#also watching the stats of how marriage benefits men and not women while my dead sucks the life out of my mom#like he doesn’t mean to but he doesn’t let her relax sleep eat anything like she took a week off work to clean the house & take care of him#and not to martyr my mother cause love her sympathize with her she is still. her.#but no one deserves what she’s going through and i will never have a bad word to say about how she acted during all of this#other things? fuck yeah but this no she handled it like a saint#and she’s been treating me better too so that’s nice#but anyway so fucking needy. i can hear them talking rn bc my dad wakes my mom up to reassure himself#i mean last night i was with him for five hours never left and if i did i warned him. he goes to bed. wakes up screaming my name#not his fault he wants to be reassured but jesus#i mean you go to the kitchen or bathroom from the living room and he says hurry back and interrupts you mid wipe#i’m a little spoiled bc he lets me go to my room some days but my mom doesn’t have any luck#he should get better with meds hopefully#and then worst of all you’ll#okay literally stopped typing bc my dad wouldn’t let my mom sleep and she freaked 😭😭😭 i talked him into just laying down but for how longuh
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#so fun being anxious without a real reason. to the point where u can’t do anything productive bc of it & the only thing that makes it go#away is going to sleep but then u can’t fall asleep either bc of the damn anxiety! also really fun feeling like u are holding ur breath the#whole time and something bad is about to happen even tho ur literally at home & in bed and objectively everything is okay and u didn’t have#a horrible day. fun times 🤩
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It's ~Soul-Crushing Depression Hours~ again!!!!
#sometimes i will just wake up sad#and somedays#(like today)#i will spend my time heavily disassociating#both cases involve teetering on the edge of a breakdown as my brain forces me to think about the worst parts of my life#and awful made up scenarios while convincing me im horrible#and then i go to sleep and wake up pretending it never happened#mental health#major depressive disorder#depression#anxiety#generalized anxiety disorder
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look i don't mean to complain but my back has been fucking hurting for the past three days (tradeoff for the excruciating neck pain & headache) & now my chest is starting to ache because it always does if i sleep on my side frequently & i can't sleep on my front because that will make my neck start aching again & it was like -24 with wind chill out today & i get distracted & snappingly angry with pain if i have to sit in a chair for longer than 20 minutes. hell on fucking earth.
#like dont get me wrong i'm genuinely so glad the shitty migraine & neckache stopped that was horrible. but like girl!!!!#im not even 20 yet!!! what the hell is this!!! & like its Never been a thing for me before. which is whats disconcerting. like what is wron#with youuuuuuuuuuuuu. why now. is it the stress. was it the ton of hours doing energy & labor intensive out on the floor retail during xmas#break. was it the cold weather. did my weird sleeping positions & many hours hunched in front of a screen suddenly come back for me with a#vengeance. its been OVER A WEEK. : |#txt#okkkkkkkkkkkkk knitting & black sails time -_-#And also of course i have been incessantly terrified about all this because of the new whackamole health anxiety. -___-
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