#i need to know more aboutt her

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, 3x8, Let The Games Begin. Part 7 (It's Been A While)

Last chapter was posted May 11th. Apologies for the hiatus. The vibes need to be just right to create these things. You can read parts 1-6 and everything else in my pinned post. On the last episode of TWWGG: "After Lorelai (Rory) exits the (Yale) interview, one that was seemingly a success, she immediately turns to Richard to chew him out for springing the interview on her last minute and not giving her time to prepare. That is more than fair coming from Rory, to be quite honest. And I’m glad to see her standing up for herself." Lesss gooo. Lorelai hauls Rory into a cab. They arrive home at night, even though it was blazing sunshine a short distance away at Yale. Rory asks Lorelai if they can not talk about college for 2 days and she agrees and everything that just happened is brushed aside and forgotten. Kidding. After a brave display of defiance towards Richard moments earlier, Rorynow expresses her guilt for not towing the line for Mommy. Mommy was right. Mommy is always right.

I....you know...forget it.

I think I should cross off "Lorelai and Rory eat at Luke's without paying" from the Bingo Card. Bringing outside food into his establishment? That's just rude. Luke could probably send Jess to college with all of Rory and Lorelai's unpaid checks and stiffed tips.

Saying it outloud isn''t going to change their unethical and frankly downright criminal behavior, Lucas. You know this.

Or at least a bag of Doritos.

Why hello, my sweet baby darling. I'm ready to Cmhrrrh.

Oh, Is "studying" what the kids call tonsil hockey these days? Run like the wind Rory! RUNNNN. I just have this good feeling Rory is totally not going to blow this sacred opportunity to have unsupervised makeout time with Jess or anything like that. Never, in the kingdom of The Queen of Blue Balls. Lorelai and Luke watch as Rory runs after Jess to "Study". Wink wink nudge nudge. Then a few seconds later without a shred of irony or realization, Luke tells Lorelai how he told Jess that as long as he lives under his roof he's gotta keep his pants on.

You're off to a ripping start already.

Lorelai is being rational? She's not running after them? "It's okay"? She's pulling the "They're teenagers, they can kiss in the dark" shit for Jess and Rory like she did for Dean? I'd say "Fetch me my fainting couch" but I know it's all a big fat farce, Lorelai is full of shit as per uszh, and my fainting couch is in the shop.

Settle down, Lucas. You're going to have a stroke one of these days. Or steam is going to come out of his ears like in a cartoon. Or he'll snap and go on a killing spree.

I've never seen two grown adults who weren't in some kind of strict religious sect have such near anyeursms because their adult children want to kiss each other. What are the odds Luke Danes, the varsity athlete, was much sluttier than Jess when he was 18? Probably pretty high. Cross off "Do as I Say Not As I Do" on the Episode Bingo Card.

Pretty rich coming from Ms "Also Has Run Around All Over Town Looking for Jess and Rory" and "Ms. Run Around All Over Town Looking For a Gumball Machine Bracelet"

I can rely on Lorelai being insufferable in every episode, but when Luke is insufferable too I pray for the sweet relief of the end credits. I hope in his Cockblocking Quest of Glory, that he trips on something. Or loses his hat.

Smoking against a gas pump. Living dangerously. I don't blame him for having a bit of a death wish, to be quite honest. Luke should be more concerned that Jess is going to cause an explosion that will level Stars Hollow into a parking lot than him rounding first base. (Where the hell did Luke go, by the way?)

Whatcha thinkin aboutt?

That was such a good HUH. *pets his sweet head*

*gnaws on the drywall* SUCH A GOOD KISS. I have no words. Okay, That’s a lie, I do have words but I ran out of space so I will see you in part 8 for the thrilling conclusion (which is: Rory ruins this precious moment by abandoning Jess and chasing after Dean) Oh god. I just skipped ahead and there's a Lorelai Couch Speech at the end too. Mind if I join you for a cigarette against the gas pumps, Jess?

[abandonedsdjfhcvndfbv]

Umumumumu Constantly thikning aboutt What couldve been if not everypony mane6 s parents were reveald. I think the parents i like most make most sense r pinkie's somehwat. And twilights. Ifeel like rd's and shy's couldve been implied to be hmm more absent in the earlier days but then they got written into family friendly variants. But they still make sense considering their licherally written into their character's personality disorders so props to them. Especially RD i think about it alot Like they still mistreat her (INSANE breaches of privacy happening inthat one eopisode) But it isn't Exactly what i wouldve thought of them earlier on.Still. Still I have to commend that their way pf parenting definitely allowed for her to develop npd...In a way... Shy's as well, for avpd, since her parents were probbably too timid to really do anything about the bullying thing and their not being there to fix her urgent need for a change of environment that had become hostile which in turn you know it's all downhill once you betray a fragile child''s very dependent trust So. Like It MMkaes sense but earlier on she couldve been thought to be a runaway, similarly to rd, ... And cloudsdale could have just been the city to house their failures of parents & pasts they did not need to look back on. But well then they werent but they were still written in a way that justifies their pd's. So i'm always thinking things Guys cloudsdale is literally such an interesting thing to me ans flutterdash relating to that too. But im not talking about yuri rightnow calm down No yuri sidetracking...

[mayoiayasep]

hokuto

Sexuality Headcanon: tbh i dont. know. she's definitely queer though

Gender Headcanon: demigirl<3

A ship I have with said character: poly trickstar has taken over my life as of late apparently. also i think about arahokke for funsies sometimes

A BROTP I have with said character: hokke and wataru!!! akira give us more aboutt their war era dynamic this i am no longer asking

A NOTP I have with said character: um? dont really have one i dont think? izumi maybe? she should be allowed to hit him wiht a hammer just once

A random headcanon: i think so very fondly about the idea of hokuto introducing trickstar + anzu to his grandma... i need it to happen soon

General Opinion over said character: she's a bit crazy<3 i love him so very much he's doing a wonderful job as trickstar's leader. also. not an opinion per se but. in makoto's center song she had a high note i think for her center event song we should get to see the lower part of his range. ive listened to hokuto's voice actor sing he can go a lot lower than what we've seen so far and i want a hokke low note so bad its crazy. please happyele



[batteredwarriorstillstanding]

After exchanging pleasantries for 15 minutes with the trio of employees in the office, I began to get antsy. I wasn't so sick that I needed detox, but it wouldn't have hurt. I was shaking, probably not noticeably, but I wanted to get outvof thereo I could go be miserable by myself for 2 or 3 days. Not wantingvto appear rude, or ungrateful, but wanting to continue to wait even less, I offered what I felt was a tactful, yet suggestive question: "So....aren't there some papers and shit I have to sign?" Tommy gave me a disapproving look, but, thankfully, refrained from yelling."We have a new staff member who's going ti check you in, she should be here shortly."

"Oh. Right.I'll uh.....wait here, then."

Tommy, who seemed almost jovial prior to my incredibly minor lapse of gratitude, exited.

Several minutes later, a young, attractive woman poked her head inside the inner office where I sat. "Hi, are you Dan?" I felt a strong reaction to her. Depending upon what my feelings were on the subject at the time I described it to trusted listeners, I would sometimes fall victim to using the chalky, and in this case, not accurate (as is fairly obvious now, but, when carefully observing

I stared, attempted to respond, but no intelligible words could form, the nod and noise must have been enough, becaude she summoned me to the entry way where the computer used for admissions sat.

"You know, you look sort of familiar. Have I seen you, or met you somewhere, perhaps?" Not only was she quite pleasant, but also provided me with a tacit reason for staring at her nonstop and being unable to coordinate fine muscle control effectively enough to speak for the first 5, or so minutes of exposure to her, "uh yeah....that's totally what I was just thinking. It's like, I know I've seen this person, but ya know, I don't know....ug, where, and I've just been sitting here trying and I can't uh, place it." Okay, not silver tongue award material, but I was, at least, recovering.

We spoke for 15 minutes, at least, as she, despite being new to the position, was noticeably more efficient at navigating File Maker Pro than previous stagf members assigned to the task. In general, nearly every conversation i have ever had with her, is available in a near perfect reproduction in my mind's files. Because I have frequently referred to them, and material is scarce, ut's almost as though they happened 3 weeks, instead of 17 years, or whateverthefuck, ago. The exception to this rule is this one. I remember it, don't get me wrong. We touched on numerous topics, including her current boyfriend, to which I vaguely recall letting a quai involuntary comment slip upon this disclosure. Sorry. My bad. The health issues she was enduring, which were quite serious, though I don't believe I entirely grasped just HOW serious immediately. We exchanged brief bio's, and concluded on a definitely positive note, which, in light of the forceful, unprecedented feelings and alterations that seemed to be taking place during, and after this superficially non-descript introduction, I silentky congratulated myself for holding it together much better than I originally thought possible. I was AFFECTED by her. And, although a mixture of laziness and wishful thinking has caused me to invoke the term"love at first sight, when describing it imto others, on occasion, in truth, that wasn't it...I guess nothing, at that point, should have been understood to rule it out, nothng really promised it, either. It wasn't like that....and here's where a difficult explanation becomes impossible. The first person I truly opened up to aboutte matter, months later, was my future on and of itkfrien (though not at the time) The way I described things, initially were so inadequate that she--actually an infinitely better listener than I, so....don't blame that, assumed Ihad just met a woman who was drop dead gorgeous. And, I suppose I should address this right here....carefully. She was/is strikingly attractive. If you interviewed 100 straight men, they would nearly all agree. But, due to health issues, she would actually look much better in later years. So, let's say that ehe would peak a couple of years later at a 9/10. That would put her at, maybe a 7.5 on this particular date. Good, and later straight up hot....but I see 7.5s all the tme, and 9s daily. I don't suddenly become a mute imbecile whenever this occurs. So....and again, I wanna be careful, cuz it seems there's no way to touch on this subject and not do it wrong, but she is a beautiful woman. She was on this day, even moreso later, if she weighs 200 lbs today, she is still beautiful. I'm only explaining that this had nothing to do with my immediate feelings for her. That was something unseen, something of the spirit. I assumed, for a long time, or, at least guessed that it was due to a sirt of mutual recognition of....something. Now, it seems the one doing any recognizing was my spirit...and that's fine. Although, as mentioned, I optimistically assumed that this was a "love at first site" type of occurrence, and that it was mutual. I know a popular assumption on tumblr and elsewhere, frankly, is one of pity. "Oh my goidness, this guy is so loneky, he hekd into a crush for twenty years, despite no positive feedback " Let me just say that, I don't blame anyone for assuming this (I guess...) but, this is simply not the case. I haven't held onto anything. Ever.. in fact, except for, perhaos, the first month, or so, after meeting her, and, periodically, afterward when I would interpret one sign, or another, as interest on her part, I spent much of my time wishibg, frankly, that it would go away. Not that I hated the idea of carig about her. I didn't at all. She was cool. Very impressive in many regards, and seemingly woukd benefit from a few mire people in ger corner, but the level of caring needed to be pared down to something that made sense, something positive for me, and acceptable to her....there was,seemingly, no valud purpose, for this. So, I picture the situations

[ravio-rants]

11, 12, and 14 for the OC asks!

-11. Is there a specific physical feature or item that holds special significance to your character? Why is it important to them?

For my twili group: they have a special tree! its a secluded spot where the 4 of them hang out a lot. its in the middle of a field, out of the way of major roads and towns. they found it one day while just wandering around, and decided that it was Their Tree. if one of them isnt around their usual spots, they are probably relaxing at the tree. I'll probably draw it sometime!

adding a hobic option as well because its funny, his staff is probably a very significant item for him. i think he wouldve gotten it when he became a full fledged wizard, which was also around the time he transitioned and came out as gay, meaning its the first magical item he earned, and he earned it as his true self. thats significant to him, even if most other wizards dont get it.

-12. How does your character react to change or unexpected situations? Are they adaptable or resistant?

raide is probably pretty adaptable! shes a very "fuck it, we ball" type guy. whatever happens, he'll probably be fine with it, as long as nobody is hurt by it. they would probably just shrug the change off and continue on with their day.

calen on the other hand.. he would be more resistant. dont get me wrong, he's willing to accept change, eventually, but its Scary! he gets anxious about it! he wont admit that though, at least not to anyone other than raide. unexpected situations are generally Not Welcome when it comes to this boyo. he Will panic about it. (unless its one of his friends asking for help with something. he would give the world for them, even to his detriment.)

kalt.. hm. i feel like he'd be slightly anxious aboutt change and unexpected situations, but he trusts the people around them so they'd accept it. itll probably be okay, right?

vang would probably be very calm and collected about all of it. change? alright, give her a day to plan things around it and everythings fine. she can figure it out. unexpected situations? she can probably work out what to do about it, if you give her a moment. (she's most of the reason kalt is fine woth change.) shes very reliable when it comes to most things.

hobic would rather live in a house that actively hates who he is on a fundamental level than face change or unexpected situations. this is a very literal example. his house hates him, but he's lived there so long that he would rather just Not leave actually. at least the house is predictable about it, you know?

-14. What is your character's preferred method of self-expression? Do they have any artistic talents or creative outlets?

raide loves so many forms of art! if you took a peek into his house, you would find art supplies of every type all over. sewing and instrument playing and drawing and painting and crocheting and embroidery and sculpting and- (his fav is just regular old drawing though.)

calen prefers to play music or write stories! both are very calming and in the moment things, and he can just get absolutely lost in them. his preffered method of self expression is probably his music specifically. he loves how music can explain things without the need for words at all.

kalt likes painting! hes not very good at it, but they dont care. they'll paint whatever the hell they want and if someone doesnt like it? thats their problem, not his. (its usually landscapes.)

vang likes to sing, she loves all sorts of music, but if it has lyrics? you bet she's going to be humming or singing it around the castle randomly. she does write her own lyrics sometimes, and then asks calen or raide to help her add a tune to it. (or vice versa, where one of them makes a song and then asks vang for some good lyrics for it!)

do spells count as a form of art? because if so, thats hobics choice. he also writes but he really just likes casting spells. or coming up with new spells. or fucking up spells-

[bates--boy]

The alarm went off, the familiar grating of too-early-in-the-fucking morning harsh buzz of many alarm clocks. Except this time, it came from the phone of one of the MizFists members, set at eight-thirty at night. An alarm to get the hip-hop crew to keep to their agreement: that they would stop all the goddamn overnight work and learn to step away from the desk. No more sleeping in the studio in the near future.

As Peter cut off the alarm, the rest rose out of their seats, stretching until backs cracks and blood flowed back to limbs.

"Alright, y'all, let's pick it back up tomorrow," Mike said through a long yawn. He rolled his shoulders and rubbed his neck, looking around at everyone. He clapped his hands and grinned. "Who's up for some drinks?"

Though tired, the MizFists let out a cheer, all except Peter. who said:

"No thanks. I'm going to have to pass."

"You sure, man?" Adel said as he shut off his laptop. "There are a few bars here that have nonalcoholic stuff."

"And I promise you that we won't make you drive us home this time," Mike joked. "Nothing but Uber or Lyft for us!"

Peter rolled his eyes and shook his head, grinning. "Thank you so much for being so considerate." He turned to a fresh page in his journal. "But for real, I can't come. I want to finish this song while I'm still feeling the lyrics, you know? And then, I'm going to Sheer's place to see Sadaf, crack open this new baby aerobics DVD I found for her."

Tommy paused in the middle of tugging his jacket on. "Baby aerobics? That's a thing?" he mumbled mostly to himself.

"Yeah. Sadaf may be too young and small for it, but it wouldn't hurt to give it a try." Peter beamed brightly. "Besides, it'd make for great father-daughter time!"

"You sure?" Mike scowled with a cocked brow. "You haven't been going out much, lately. Don't you think you need a break?"

"What? What're you talking about?" Peter set his pen down on the journal. "I went to that party last week at Acid Rain's house."

"That doesn't count, we spent the entire time networking!"

"Look, Mike... you guys!" Peter waved them off. "I'll take a break soon, okay? I'll even go to the bar with y'all tomorrow, or something. Is that good?"

Mike reached up to rub his brow. "Ya sure, man?"

"Yeah, I'm sure! I'll clean and close up." Peter picked up his pen. "You guys have fun!"

Mike looked over his shoulders, meeting the stares of the rest of the crew; Tarsha shrugged. "...Alright, Pete. We'll see you tomorrow, then."

"'Night!" Peter called out without looking up from his journal, listening to the shuffle of feet and the click of the door closing.

---

After an ill-decision made of having coffee in the dead of night, Peter was in the kitchen washing out the equipment and dishes he used for his drink. He was scrubbing the metal mesh filter when his phone buzzed. Drying his hands, Peter tapped the message open.

[Mike] ayyo man, you still at the studio?

[Mike] listem if yourr nit busy

[Mike] okay wewere talkin aboutt you an d the othhhers didnt want me too say anyting but

God damn, dude is drunk off his ass, Peter thought with a headache.

[Mike] we notcieds that you've been alll aboutt your kid alot. an thats good! its real good, andd youre doon a good job but

[Mike] dont let being a dad be the only thin going in youer life

[Mike] you need some time foor yoursel, and to be shellfish every once in a while

[Mike] *selfish whoops

[Mike] but anywas, trust me as a fellloww father, Peter: dont let yoursefl fall to gthe wayside. that aint good fo r you er Sadaf.

Peter picked up the phone, eyeing the screen as he turned and sat back against the counter. This wasn't true, was it, Peter getting so wrapped up with Sadaf that he was losing himself? He couldn't be, though; he'd taken plenty of breaks by visiting his family...

...So he could tell them about Sadaf,

But he had also visited the bookstore quite a bit...

... Looking for sensory-training picture books for Sadaf.

Peter bit into his bottom lip, tapping his foot on the tiled floor. Wow, maybe they're right...

[synthaphone]

I want to know how you feel aboutt all the pokemon bears (teddiursa/ursaring/ursaluna, beartic, pangoro... ive forgotten all of their names. bears!)

alRIGHT LETS GO lets see how many i remember

teddiursa: nice cute and simple teddy bear design. i like the moon marking on the face a lot, and i also love the old dumpy gold and silver sprites, they have a real charm to them

ursaring: tbh this ones kinda boring to me but i dont actively dislike it or anything. its a perfectly functional normal type bear. the big round tail is an element where i cant decide if its weird in a fun way or if its weird in an awkward design way

ursaluna: oh hell yeah now THIS is bear. i love how the dirt on its face both serves as clouds over the moon marking, and also funny eyebrows. love that its quadrupedal too, we needed a good quadrupedal bear. oh fuck i just realized its the only one. (unless you count stufful) damn!

spinda: love this thing. its honestly probably not enough of a bear to be on here but fuck it i love it its going here. i think they should come in even more colors; give gamefreak even more of a challenge

cubchoo: this thing’s cute enough! i like that the head is blue- the snots kinda weird and i dont love it but i can deal. i caught a shiny one in a horde battle in gen 6 when i was staying at my grandmas house in florida; it was very exciting. for some reason i feel like these things would smell like soap… maybe thats why the snot doesnt bother me much, my brain is like ‘this is actually a soap creature’

beartic: sorry beartic. i do not like you. the idea of the snot having frozen into a beard works well enough for me designwise but it being shaped like a mountain… its just not appealing to me. rip. pinhead larry

pancham: ok i dont think about it that often but i really like this one. i went through a phase where i was drawing it all the time back in 2014 or so and its just an expressive little guy with a fun design

pangoro: YEAAAA COOL BADASS this thing rules, i love its jacket and its eyespot eyes and its personality. i had a shiny one in X from a friend safari that i named Ana Ng after the. tmbg song because i was thinking about tmbg at the time. i kept trying to use her in competitive battles, but i suck at them so it didnt go great- i still remember her fondly though.

stufful: its cute! i like it. i think the animations really make it for me. real powermove for them to make a deliberately cute stuffed animal pokemon and then be like ‘it HATES to be hugged’

bewear: yea this guy is fun too. i think its dex entries really make it, like Ah this is the guy that KILLS you

kubfu: its alright i guess. i dont love it but i dont hate it.

urshifu: i like its face better than kubfus- its fine. i prefer rapid strike style, i think. neither of them nor kubfu really feel like legendaries to me though. ah well neat enough bear

[sxfik]

my thoughts on episode 11 (as i watch it)

apologies in advance if none of this is coherent :)

how could they not catch joon woo HE WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE WAY HE LOOKS AT HER WHEN SHE’S TORTURING THOSE KILLERS

you can tell it’s the proud !! moment for him

but also the concern he has when they’re in the car driving back home and he calls mr. cho, but he’s still looking at her

AAAAA not him asking her to drink until 4 am, 2 HOURS past their agreement (also him telling her that she should be a part of the mafia), and when the camera focuses on him, you can tell he's telling himself "it's only to finish up the food, no other reason"

AAAA "i need to apologize for what i did on the bridge, i hugged you, you were flustered right?" "don't apologize you were worried" and HIS FACE WHEN SHE TELLS HIM HER HEART WAS POUNDING AND HE AVOIDS HER EYES AND THE SLIGHT WIDING WHEN SHE SAID "WE NEED TO TEST THIS OUT"

AND THE SLIGHT SMILE HE GIVES HER WHEN SHE PREPS TO HUG HIM AND GOD THSI WHOLE SCENE OH MY GOD HIS FACE WHEN SHE SNUGGLES IN AND HE'S DEFINITELY TRYING TO BREATHE NORMALLY AND HIS HAND ON THE CHAIR OH MY GOD AND SHE LOOKS UP AT HIM AND HE'S TRYING SO HARD NOT TO LOOK AT HER THIS IS BETTER THAN ANYTHING I COULD EVER WRITE

and then the way he still stands there after she tells him she was wrong CHA YOUNG WHY god that poor man but then that soft smile as she falls asleep....

awww he's checkin on his mother !! aw is he asking why she left him,,,, fuck this is really ripping my heart out

"im sure my son is doing well so don't give up on yourself" why am i crying so hard im only 25 minutes into this episode

holy shit's getting heated at wusang...

lmao the tailor acting tough in front of vin and also 1/2 half of clown couple asking to be her bodyguard,,, poor vin he's really being caught between the marital fight... the fact he's more scared of the wife

nis dude actin REAL sus

mr CHO NO why would you do this bro

HAHA ms seo also acting sus around them huh (game day? will vin get competitive.... or has she figured it out...)

AHAHAHA CHA YOUNG PUSHING HER BACK AND FORCING HIM TO GO

oh shit he got exposed........... "come with me"

joon woo really spiraling more and more he fights vin(but also he's so fucking hot)

han seo my poor boy please get the fuck out of there im not joking please get yourself out join the good side

CORN SALAD !!! AHAHAH

NIS DUDE YES FIGHT FOR VINCENZO, y e s cleaning lady !!

enter player nis, YES, boy lookin so cool, saving the day! CHA YOUNG yes stomp on that man

lmao the small nods between CHA YOUNG AND VIN AHAH AND THEN HIS BETRAYED LOOK

oh wow mafia man, you're always ready to hug cha-young but no one else???? hmmmmmmmmmmmm

THE MUSIC WHEN HE HUGGED HIM

IS THAT A FUCKING PARADE AHAHA

MAFIA CORN SALAD AHAHAHAHHA NOOOOO

lmaoo the reformed guys in the back

"with all the support you have, why don't you make your own family here" is this her asking him to stay????

god the way vin and cha young look at each other when they have an idea, TRULY MARRIED

the power vin holds,,,, oh shit he found out about the temple

han seo poor boy with the gun,,,,, mr. panic yall colluding together? MR PANIC YOUR DAMN GOOD W A GUN you're too baby for this han seo please just get tf out of here

mr panic you out here playing you're own game here?

han seo and mr panic I WANT TO SEE THIS play out,,,,, does han seo have the potential to go all the way to the top?

piano girl giving me,,,,, bad vibes girlie you're a bit scary

aw nam and vin are still besties that's good im glad

MR. CORN SALAD, THE ACTING IS AMAZING HOLY SHIT HE'S SO.... he's pisseddddd boys getting a little manic here

yes NIS DUDE getting shit down

please vin go with cha young to meet joon woo have BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS

"there's a limit to one's pain but no limit to one's fear" AH SHIT BRO WHY IS THIS SO HOT MY GOD i know this is a lil psycho of him BUT AAAAAA

VINENZO KNOWS !!! HE KNOWS!!! GO SAVE CHA-YOUNG BRO PLEASE GO GET HER

SHE KNOWS NOW SHE KNOWS GOD THIS IS

FUCK shit's getting so intense,,,,, the stare off he's about to have with him

the OST FOR THIS SHOW IS SO GOOD

joon woo you aboutt to go full psycho?? please don't be a cliff hanger please oh my god please dont be a cliffhanger

FUCK I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS

[lily-mj-fae]

Rant

Honestly i feel like this is a long time coming. But I just....I sometimes hate being in any fandom. Because of other people. Someone went off on me completely. Over simply commenting reasons because i see the situations for the greyscale (not the basic black or white) events that they are.

Earlier today I was scrolling through tiktok. and came across a video that was listing some of the things Rhys has done that aren’t great. (Including: allowing those under the mountain access to velaris, him treating tamlin better than he did nesta, and not telling feyre about the bond). I just replied that Rhys had little choice because they’re preparing for a war, that he held a deep resentment for Nesta because of how she was a total bitch to feyre for no reason while they were humans (i love nesta, but i really don’t think there’s anything in the world to justify why she mistreated, used and took advantage of feyre and found her reasoning to be a little less than sincere but appreciated her going after feyre), and that he didn’t want to force the bond on feyre.

They lost their fucking shit. like made another video and was like “say it” and acted like I was excusing Rhys. And like...no. But they also commented that we shouldn’t “normalize doing shitty things in war”. Like.....first of all...that’s...that’s literally war. 

Second of all, in real life, there aren’t always pretty decisions between “good choice” and “bad choice”. Sometimes there’s “shitty choice” and “bad choice”. 

For Rhys, letting Keir and those under the mountain was the “bad choice.” And if someone else has other feasible options for getting the darkbringer army that they needed feel free to share. But I can think of two others. And i’m saying this assuming controlling Keir into it isn’t an option otherwise that would have been the choice i think

1) Attempting to find something else he wants just as much. Which, with keir being who he is was likely impossible, or would take more time than they could afford and not guarantee anything

2) Murder Keir. Which....is not how you get an army to follow you. You don’t kill their commander and have them willing to fight for you. 

So unfornately, Mor’s safe place being invaded by her abusers was his “best” option. And he still fucking owes her an apology for it. He should have warned her and Feyre. But he prepared for the fallout preemptively, making sure Keir would not find Velaris welcoming. And Mor of course still has permission to kill her family any time she wants to, and she likes to remind them of that.

Then we already know the inner circle disliked Nesta and Elain. I think more towards Nesta because of her overall attitude. They all were (even Cassian towards nesta at first). They were biased against her from the start, and Rhys had an especially strong distaste for Nesta. (Again, not an excuse for mistreating someone with ptsd just a yeah he’s gonna treat someone differently than someone else because there are different connotations to the relationships). And this...this part was ridiculous. because I had said that Nesta was a bitch (because you can’t really say that she wasn’t), they looked at my profile...with my new Elain videos and just...”i see you like elain. and she’s just as if not more so toxic than nesta” and i’m seeing people’s arguments. And i just. I feel like because Elain was the second sister, the middle child, she gets pushed to the back both in the narrative and by people saying she’s boring.

Elain started to atone in ACOMAF. She recognized that she and Nesta fucked up. And that Their sister needed their help. So despite being engaged to a man who was anti fae, risking the relationship with the man she loved, she insisted that they help Feyre. She wanted to help.

And then she was kidnapped, and forced into the cauldron. Came out suffering PTSD. And this same person said it was elain who wallowed in self pity thinking about herself. PTSD as much as Nesta and Feyre. She was also struggling, dealing with visions that no one understood until after Nesta and Feyre were attacked in the library. Then she began to be free of that fogginess and lack of understanding. And once she did, she was the only one to find a potential solution to the humans being abandoned. And knew she needed to be the one to face. In fact, she started to resemble her sisters in that moment, with her strong stance. Which was so unlike her, because she’s soft. And it’s okay that she’s soft and not a fighter.

And Rhys, rhys not telling Feyre aboutt he bond was a misguided decision. He thought telling her would force it on her (in contrast to Elain and Lucien). He wanted Feyre a chance to sort through the things she needed to sort through and come to her own decision about her feelings and about her wants. And she did. 

But all of this....because someone couldn’t handle looking at the whole picture instead of focusing on little pieces. And then this same person said “i don’t mind discussing peacefully” and “I respect others opinions” while deleting mine (which hadn’t been disrespectful) and others comments. And has since basically posted several videos essentially vaguing about me (and maybe others?) continuing to accuse me of excusing characters and acting like discussing characters reasons means i’m saying that those bad behaviors are acceptable.

No.

Explaining does not equal excusing. 

And i can’t believe i ever would have to say it but....neither does cosplaying. Just because I cosplay a character, doesn’t mean i excuse their actions. It’s the dumbest fucking logic i’ve ever seen

I admit to making a few vague videos myself in response. 1) the elain video i posted here. Where I discuss her flaws. 2) one mentioning that explaining doesn’t equal excusing that it’s often looking at all the events that create an event. Which is more interesting anyway. 3) one stating the actions of the conversation

[wetookanoath]

Supernatural Season 6 | The Haunting of Loey Lane.

Shane and his Shaggy cosplay are everything I need to know to be asured this episode will be iconic. And look a thim go. I love him.

I am way too distracted by Ryan’s buttons being open, I’m sorry, I cannot fuction now.

“Oh, no voice this time?” Okay, but Shane’s smile is... fjnfiwsmdikr. Why is this man like this? Anyway... Ryan’s laugh and the way he just, turns on Host Mood again, holy shit.

The way Ryan is narrating this episode is even more precious when you look at the credits and see that he himself wrote this episode. “From guru to booru”, I fucking hate you, Shane. Ryan’s face, tho. That look between done and fond, same.

“I was very respectful”, honey you were high in medicine, shut up.

Weekend At Ghoul HQ, starring Ryan Bergara and real size doll Shane. “I believe you believe” it’s the creepiest shit, stop that.

Growing up in a haunted farmhouse? Same. Oh gosh, jokes aside, I’m gonna say this right now... I’m not going to discuss in public whatever I believe in what may happen in this episode or not. I’ve been realizing slowly that I don’t feel comfortable talking about these things online because believing has a lot to do with faith to me, and faith is part of my life in a way that is too important to me. That said, watch me make fun of my own faith all the time and discuss whatever else you guys wanna talk about with me regarding the show, the boys, etc.

Loey saying she has never been scared of ghosts it’s exactly how I feel about the paranormal and the supernatural in general. I mean, I don’t claim having any kinds of powers or touch, or what have you. But god, I would be so happy and enchanted by seeing a supernatural being right in front of me. And whatever may scare me sometime, it’s always human doing, it’s always natural, tangible, there. And even then, I do like being scared. So there’s that, I guess.

“Are we Bruce Willis in this situation?” how the hell did that came from what they were talking about, lmao. Another Willis mention this season, Mr. Die Hard will end up becoming part of the inside jokes in this fandom at some point.

“I love a little stirring” Shane looks so excited about doing Some Bullshit in this episode, and I saw how chaotic he was in his solo, I can’t wait to see it by myself. LMAO, this bit is both funny and kind of adorable. Also, witches AU.

“Why would you come to us uf you want us to fix it?” An excellent question I don’t understand either, to be honest. The show is not about actually hunting enthities or debunking shit, so this is... come on. I think we know what it is, lmao. But it’s fine, I like this House Call shit.

No ofense, but using a 100 hundred years old Ouija board as a decoration is like a horror movie plot where white people are white people about it. I love it.

*Rubs eyes and sighs deeply*

... What is Shane doing with his tongue? I, I, I don’t like that... Not a fan... Put that tongue back in your mouth, Shane. I don’t like this bit.

Shane calling Ryan a, like, passionate paranormal investigator and the bitch immediatelly saying he is insane is my aesthetic and also yet again, a great summary of the show.

“This is the part where you learn how truly boring it is to be a ghost hunter”, lmao. Talking about these parts, I love the colors we get from the cameras each time, I can’t wait to make the edit for this episode.

Oh man, it must be something to see these two grown ass men saying and doing stupid shit to get ghosts to listen to them and do something But also, Shane slowly walking towards Ryan to film a super close-up of his eyes, OKAY. They are so stupid.

That... that is a werid thing, Shane is right. Oh man, this is giving me flashbacks to that serial killer dude in The X Files that was obssessed with women’s hair/cleaning them up for burials. 

Okay, that thing Shane just did with his mouth knocked me out for a bit. Imma head out. “That sounds demonic”, this better not be the season’s demon investigation. And oh look, what’s a supernatural season without Shane giving hints of him being a demon? It makes it funnier how he never really talks about it anywhere. Like he obviously knows aboutt he fandom’s joke, and I’m sure he keeps doing shit like this to feed it, but it all becomes even better when he just... never says shit about it. It’s always Ryan the one who answers when asked about it.

Cats do tend to get spook at everything and look up for no reason at all, every time my cats do that and one of nieces or nephew is around and asks about it, I always go “oh, he is just seeing the ghost that lives here” and then their mothers want to kill me.

Yeah, you don’t... do that. Horror movie 101. Don’t ever give permission to shit to enter. “Hey, can I come in?” “No, bitch, go away” is always the answer lol.

Guuurrrrllll...

This bitch ass thingy in her home really is there because of her. If there’s something in there, it’s not the place, it’s her. Also bitch ass demons as always listening to Shane is everything.

I.. like how Shane looks in that blue lighting. “Oh, you know what? Not bad, not bad”, why is he like this. 

Ryan’s metaphores are excellent, imagine him giving talks to his future children by using weird ass metaphore and the kids just... staring at him. 

“I’ll take you home with me, I don’t care” LMAO, imagine this idiot walking into his apartment, “Hey Sara? I got a demon, can we keep him?” “No” “Too late, I told him he is staying!”

“Assert my dominance” the smile? Awwww. The awkward moves of his hand, fjnvidnfir, Ryan is so fucking cute, makes me cry.

... What is Shane doing? I love how they just leave Shane’s whatever there while Ryan talks to Loey, fkjdniednfirnfgirt. Do that more often. Love that hair, also. Long hair is the best hair.

Shane literally saying he will use all the power he has gotten by defeating demons it’s such a powerful prompt. He is giving us the power to create shit, use it well, demon Shane writers and fanartists. “Alakazam! Big bang boom, hope you like hell, you loser.”, I fucking love this dork.

“What does that mean? You guys have inside jokes?” “Yeah, we bonded” JFNIERDNFIRF SHANE.

Loey is me and Shane is my brother, this is how we usually talk when one of us is saying some bullshit kfdndiofmkirg

“What’s your name? Come on, what’s your name? I know that gives away your power”, Ryan out there getting advice on demon hunting by The Conjuring 2 is the biggest mood. No, but for real-- there’s actually plenty of myths and cultures that believe the way to defeat some sort of evil is by knowing its name. It’s really interesting, the kind of power we really do give to names.

Not really a fan of this. Man, I really hope this is not the season’s demon investigation.

Ryan Steven Bergara Stop Saying You Are Annoying Or Ugly Or Whatever Negative Shit You Are Always Saying About Yourself Challenge.

This is such a “So... you come here often?” type of situation, djnfisndief, I love this. And we are back at the ‘I hate Shane’ bit again, I really stan a twelve years old. The fond voice with which Shane says “I mean, you are having fun”, awwwwwww. Cuties.

Shane looks hella cute doing his fornite dance, I hate him.

Did that shit just laugh after scaring this poor woman? JFNFIENFIERNIGF

Christ almighty, Ryan looks so fucking small at Shane’s side, what the hell? Also, this is so... damn adorable. Shane trying to teach Ryan how to do the dance, it’s hella cute. Oooohhmmmygoodddddd, I’mmmmm meltinnngggggggggg... Ryan’s little dance, djnfienf he is such a bad dancer, I love him so much.

This poor woman is having a breakdown in there and these two bitches are just being... whatever the hell they are doing, lmao. “You are suggesting a ghost farted in my face?” “Yeah” AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ryan suggesting the demon is asking her out for a drink and looking at Shane while doing so, jfniednfir what the fuck is that. This demon suitor just doesn’t know how to ask her out on a date, lmao.

“Our job here is done!” and Loey’s reaction, dkjnfeinfir same.

Get haunted for the aesthetic, why not? Interesting episode.

[humankoalaa]

BLACK LIGHTNING 3X06

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

anissa hush with this if i die video. you ain’t bout to die girl 😂

tayvon 😭😭 jasun wardlaw jr. is so handsome.

lynn.... 🤦🏾‍♀️

oh no jamila. bye girl. at a funeral? you looking for a story? BYE. who raised you? my mother would’ve slapped the shit outta me.

LMAO nissa and lynn weren’t having it.

jeff... ugh my grandpa with allllll the patience for jamilas rude ass.

tied of my grandparents fighting. at least lynn ain’t high as hell tawm bout bullshit.

thundergambi ❤️

woah..... nissas meta genes affected too? shit.

she said how much time i got 😂😂 tv be killing me knowing damn well people ain’t bout to die.

gambi ready to snitch 😂

oooooo bih i thought that was lady eve. iss gina tho.

i thought truth teller was henderson 😩 i need to stay off this weed when im watching be forgetting or not noticing shit 😩

lynn and tobias are my favorite enemies.

how nafessa/thunder still look 😍 “dying?” .... black don’t crack. dass why. all offense.

jeffs identities with these two black eyes would be more subtle than blackbirds mask. i said what i said.

ooooo jeff said sorry. growth.

i knew she’d blame herself for tayvons death 😣

😂😂😂 “it’s like that?” ... jeff why you ask that when your daughter is petty?

commercial break. im bouta to get lit. this episode got a chill vibe. i needs my weed to really embrace the chillness. ... by any means necessary y’all.

my friend said YOU JUST GOT HIGH.... girl... 🤣 mhm she is. if you don’t know what that means.... well.

“im not a porcelain doll” 🤣🤣

Bruce Leroy? theure REALLY tryna break a record how many corny things a character say in a tv show record. stop playing with my mother man.

“you smell of death” 😂😂 grace. filter. what is it? .... nevermimd ms. choi. nevermimd.

nissa lying through her damn quilt.

that quilt can’t even keep the sun warm.

“I’m not aboutt to lose you now” 😍

BUT LIKE ANISSA COULD BE IN THE SHOWER WITH GRACE BUT POISON 😤 talk about a kittyblock. im pissed.

ooooo hair bitch you spying on my recently excommunicated grandmother? i couldn’t y’all she was getting on my nerves 😩 ididnt have a choice!

jenn....... dude took your electricity or whatever last time..... how you ain’t learn 😩

odell in peoples house uninvited AGAIN 🤦🏾‍♀️

i will barbecue your black ass 😂

oh shit mr handsome disappearing meta is back 👀 i need him and painkiller to fight.

jamila... you nosey.

i see the green light ain’t fuck her up that bad.

okay hair. you alright for now. he can manipulate the earth? ok. bet not be manipulating my auntie.

ooooooo gambi knows it’s painkiller.

okay i agree. tobias ain’t as bad ass odell..... pains me to say that.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 tobias is such a troll.

“neon negro” bitch im deaaaaddd. tobiaaaasss 😭😭😭😭 im cryn.

“anissa? baby?” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 sing to me grace! you bettah saaang 😭

the lesbian in me is gonna say grace has gambi on speed dial. let me have this. SH.

#thundergambrace has my heart. that’s their ship name. you read it here first.

grace i want to thank you for taking off the hoodie.

worried grace ❤️

he called grace pretty lady 😭

oooooo odell finna die *i know he’s not but he better be severaly wounded* preferably like shot in the mouth. im a nice person i swear i just cannot with this mans.

KILL HIS ASSSSS MR MARKOVIAN

JEFF?! really?! you couldn’t arrive one second later? DAMN! 😤

pathetic? cause he doesn’t kill? see you should’ve let mr. markovian kill his ass jeff.

i keep think gina is lady eve. ALSO seriously?? it’s jamila? now she’s part of the resistance squad? 🤦🏾‍♀️

ohhhh shit. welp. hi dr. jace.

dr. jace. matching to the gods rn. she got that nancy grace hair that don’t never move.

thundergrace cuddles ❤️

why grace take the empty bowl up there to the shower....

PAUSE! was grace bout to change into the leopard cause of anissas i guess rotting insides? i know i shouldn’t laugh but .... 😂

gambi 🤭 oooooooooo he knows.

man im ready for lynn and jeff to divorce. like Jeff could’ve died lynn.

lol you crazy lynn. gang green crazy. most people be on that liquor. lynn out here on whatever the hell gang green is. lawd.

this episode was a nice change of pace. my blood pressure coulfnt handle another last week type episode y’all. see y’all next week 🤞🏾❤️

[kendrixtermina]

A lot of people are sleeping on the fact that we kinda DO know what Pink Diamond would’ve been like as a parent

Why? Because Amethyst.

There’s actually a lot of unjuiced juice here, like she clearly overcompensated for her own restrictive upbringing by letting everyone do whatever (including baby sour cream) and likely never expected her to act responsible - granted, she wouldn’t be the most suited person to show anyone How To Responsible.

IT’s also clear wanted to shelter her from all the homeworld crap by telling her as little as possible, and left orders that the same be done with Steven (I mean most of what they kept from him was on her orders - As far as Garnet’s own decisions go she’s actually the most forthcoming of the bunch) - with the unexpected side effect that it hit them unprepared in the face like a ton of bricks when Jasper and Peridot showed up, but that’s life, things don’t go as planned, and I think she knew that to a degree.  

For both Amethyst and Steven, meeting their “biological relatives” actually had net positive effects for their character arcs, like sure there were some poofings and mecha battles involved along the way but it ended in a definite sense that the truth was way less awful than they imagined and that they could now come up with their own answers instead of taking other people’s word for it. Also Steven and Amethyst would naturally want to know where they came from; Amethyst often seemed to feel left out for not knowing what the others were talking about, Steven did some reckless stunts to get info, (that PD would probably not have disclosed much more willingly if she were around) and both were kinda more secure in their self-direction and sense of self once they knew.

At the same time I don’t think she failed completely, since the actions of PD (as well as, let’s not forget,  Garnet and Pearl) provided the two of them with an environment that probably allowed them to have a more solid foundation than what they had, and just not grow up with the same kind of fear. Steven in particular was probably able to defuse the other Diamonds because he had seen a better alternative and could see them from a more objective distance.

Another thing to note here is that as per her speech in “Greg the babysitter”, PD  actually had a pretty negative attitude about her own species. Now we don’t need to take her negative beliefs about herself at face value any more than for any other character, but she definitely must have inadvertedly impressed that on Amethyst with the ironic result that Amethyst ended up kinda being the somewhat sheltered baby-slash-troublemaker of the group (though for the opposite reason) and believing she was somehow inherently rotten.

Though one could also surmise that it’s only natural that they would be somewhat alike, since again, PD kinda raised Amethyst.

In canonland Steven was kinda anxious about learning to use his powers because he wanted to be a proper member of the group and kinda sensed the hole PD had left, but if she had survived making him, she might’ve ended up actually discouraging him from that and wanted him to focus more on human stuff, it’s certainly what she seemed excited about in her video. On the other hand, she did want her own kid instead of just adopting a human baby, so much she was willing to die for it, so her feelings about having her kid possibly resemble her must’ve been seriously ambivalent.

This is also interesting to consider in the light of the knowledge that she’s, well, not a soldier ant but a queen bee, so to speak. She was kinda supposed to create new life/ reproduce and seemed genuinely excited aboutt that until she learned how destructive the - So the act of making Steven isn’t quite as subversive as if she was a war machine and decided to make new life instead, but, she’s still making a wholly novel hybrid being with the explicit intention of letting him be whatever the heck he wants to, and making a sacrifice to do instead of destroying other life, in many ways a total inversion of what the authority does. But perhaps she was also able to make her peace with what she actually is before the end, or I like to hope so because I want to believe that this poor space rock got at least a little bit of catharsis in her life.

Also, Amethyst might’ve compared herself to her, thinking that they’re supposedly the same gem type - its also possible that they never fused because the secret might’ve been out the moment they didn’t simply make a bigger quartz.

This is also one of the main things that excite me about season 6, because the cast have said they wanted to make an ep about how Amethyst got ‘adopted’ for ages, but apparently they didn’t do it before, perhaps because they felt the cat had to be out of the bag before this could land efficiently.

We’ve gotten some hints that they were pretty close - In “Maximum capacity” she talks about , she mentions that “Rose” at least tried to give her pep talks & validation in “crack the whip” (I fondly remember the wave of fanart that got us), there’s the “You’re not the only one who misses her” line and how we don’t really get a full read on her take of things in “Whats your problem” because she’d rather cheer up Steven... unjuiced juice there, is all am saying

Like, did they sneak out to visit human settlements together? Did they do shenanigans? Prank random beach city citizens? Did they cover for each other when they wanted to sneak out without the others knowing? Did the Purple Puma once have a tag team partner known as the Magenta Menace?

I wouldn’t be surprised if in the end, Amethyst turned out to be the one crystal gem who actually knew her the best - like, not in terms of having all the information like Pearl does, but in getting to see her real personality under the act.

But then again Amethyst is underappreciated as a character in general. Slightly less so since she got her little arc in season 3 and started getting along with most the fan favorites.

[its-3am-sadness]

getting lost up in the past— this is what I found

Friday February 1st, 2013:

ugh..im sitting in third hour..i wanna cry, but i cant theres to many people..

can anyone really save me? ..no.. noone ever can.. i just wanna be happy, truely always happy.. )': ughhhhhhhhhhhh! i gotta go..

Monday February 4th, 2013:

holy shit that was a longg weekend.. i almost cut saturday.. i got a new razor & everythingg.. Jake told me to go chuck itt in the snow, soo i did, but then on sunday i went & found itt.. soo i have itt in my ipod case like my other one.

I stayed up till 3 saturday nightt watching 'Enchanted' i love that movie now (: and i sent Jake a 7 and a 9 page text.. he was asleep though..but his best friend is a girl & i have nothing at all against that, i don't have a reason to hate her at all, i havent even met her, but i still am so super jealous.. i hate that they hang out and slepover together and i dont know, i trust him.. but look what happend with the last guy, i trusted him with all my heart, i never thought he would cheat on me and he ended up fucking his ex-girlfriend and lying about it.. im so scared.. i dont wanna be here.. i was thinking saturday & yesterday how i wish i was single just so i don't have to be so paranoid..but i love being around Jake that i wouldnt dream of ending it..

Shawntay said i should tell him about how i feel with him & his besty, but i idont wanna be the dumb bitchy girlfriend who is all 'you cant talk to girls-blahh blahh blahhk' shitt, ya know?? So ima just leave it to myself because i don't care..

im really trying not to cut.. Tabby (my ex's girlfriend) told me that it takes 21 days to break a habbit & we both last cut on the 22nd, soooo we'll see how that goes..

on wednesday it'll be me & jake's 4 months.. & next thursday is valenitines (how ever you spell itt) day and i wanna get him something.. hmm..

my tits now have names.. right one is Adam & the left is Ryder (:

I love him, my baby. <3 soo much.. </3

Wednesday February 6th, 2013:

today is 4 months with my baby!! i love him sooo much. dude. <3 he is so amazingg. i just want to push him in the snow and kiss him and be crazy. i am crazy about him.. like super crazy aboutt him. <3 i dont wantt him to be taken awayyy! ):

Hunter said he was going to ask me out last week on friday on the bus.. god he's a douche.. he broke my heart so many countless times and just left.. and my ex. my good lord, he is such a dick. im sick of them both fucking with my head and heart. ive moved on and it Shawntay's words 'have a new life with a better guy'.. god i love her. i dont know where i would be right now if it werent for her.. <3 i love you shawny'z forever <3

Friday February 8th, 2013:

well..i almost cut last nightt, i didnt but i was aboutt to.. im not taking my meds, im just throwing them in a bag & ima sell them.. they weren't working anyway soo..

Im seriously so sccared that Jake's going to leave me.. even though he says he's not going to an yada yada yada, but still.. im paranoid.. it's just who i am... i love him with all my heart though.. ya know??

im diguesting..im a whore..a damn slut.. in love with a guy who prolly cant stand me.. im fucking pathetic.. why..why..why would, HOW could anyone like me, or put up with me.. i mean, what the hell..im a little ugly bitch. a fat, pathetic, stupid, idiotic, loud, sluty little damn bitch...fuckkkkkkkk.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

Monday February 11th,2013:

well..i hate myself. terribly. fucking. little. cunt. thats what i am. a fucking bitch. a pussy, more like a pair of balls.. pussy's are actually quite strong.. so im a pair of balls. GROSS!.. i like pussy better.. whatever. so anyway.. i hate how much of a bitch i am. im so mean to everyone. im not good enough for shawntay. i dont deserve jake and i feel like i treat both of them like shit.. i dont mean to. they're both my whole world..damn.. i couldnt live with out both of them.. i really couldnt.

Conversation on Saturday Night:

me: how isn't it? if you go then you wont have to worry about me.

Jake: ill worry more

me:no

Jake: yeah i will

Me:no

Jake: why cant i?

me: Because..you just cant. you shouldnt. its not worth it.Never. You should leave before you get hurt.

Jake: this isnt about right now anymore is it?

me: i guess not..

Jake: cause ive told you before im not leaving unless you stop loving me ima be here for you until you dont want me to and ima be with you till you break up with me, i love you and im gonna stay through thick and thin. you wont hurt me. You wont.

Baby i friken love you and i wanna be with you no matter what im yous i dont want anyone else but you and im gonna stay okay?

Me: i hurt everyone. i want to be with you. i am in love with you. but i am so hard and difficult. i push every single person away because i just tear people down. i dont want to do that. You are so amazing and that cant die.

how can i call that mine? that is a way to good for me kindda guy.. ive fallen in love with him. but he is way to good for me.

Tuesday February 12, 2013:

i almost cut last night.. i lost it and i started crying terribly. my mother is such a damn bitch. i cant handle her anymore.. she's having surgary on the 25th of this month.. but shes forcing me to appologise for being 'rude' to my brothers wife.. fuck that.. she told me i didnt appriciate anyone.. you dont tell someone who hates themself, who seriously cant stand to look at herself or hear herself, you DONT TELL THEM THAT THEYRE NOT FUCKING APPRICATIVE! what the hell.. so i have anger issues so i flipped out, not to her, just annonmusly over facebook & shes not even my friend on there so fuck her. seriously. and my mother is sticking up for HER, an not ME. bitch.. i have enough shit i dont need to deal with this, its from over a month ago.. i hate my mother.. she fucking came running downstairs screaming at me for taking something that i really didnt.. i didnt even know what she was talking about.. why... im always to blame. FUCK HER! god... she makes me want to kill myself. she thinks that i look up to her and that she's this perfect little angel and does everything for me.. but all she does is make me feel like shit.. i mean we have our moments that we get along an laugh an are friends. when we're friends we're totally fine, but than she turns in to over protective bitch mode.. i hate itt.. i dont wanna stay after school to get extra help.. and shes fucking making me. i hate it. i hate her. i want to get the fuck away. HELP ME! i need to be saved.

Wednesday February 13th, 2013:

theres not a lot of time to write here today...i only got about 3 minutes.. but damn.. i wanna die.. im not going to stopo myself tonight if i wanna cut. i gotta do it.. its to hard. my parents and my one brother are douches..they fucking dont know when to stop making me feel like shit.. i hate it. goddamn.. i cried so much last night.. i wish i were alone.. it'd be easier not to worry about hurting someone.. i hate myself. im absolutly disguesting. fat, ugly and just so gross.. i hate what ive become.. i cant stop myself. it's who i am now..

my razors fell out of my case this morning, it was scary i thought that someone was going to ask me what they were when i bent to pick them up.. i was so shakey.. i hate myself. ughhh. fuck. i hate everyone, my self the absolute most though.. good bye..

Thursday Febraury 14th, 2013:

well.. i stopped the 21 days last night.. 16.. 2 on my thigh, they're small. and the rest between my two arms. im such a fail..

Jake did the cutest thing ever.. he put a bunch of choclate kisses in my locker & taped it saying 'i <3 u' i keep blushing today.. i just told someone i like they're hat & he said he liked my face, i blush to much, i dont like him even, but it was kindda a compliment, soo.. *sigh* i hope shawntay doesnt get mad at me.. i told her i cut in our notebook, i havent told jake & im nott gunna unless he asks.. i cant tell him.. i HATE THAT THEY CARE!!!!!!!!! ugh... i just hurt eveyrone.. i make everyone want to kill themselves.......... FUCK.

ive been handing outt 'my little pony' valentines today.. only 4 gurls, and like 15 or more guys.. the girls are Shawntay, my friend Kenzie, Tabby & Heather. God.. all of them are so FUCKING gorgeous..ugh.. i seriously wish i could be even half as pretty as them.. Shawntay, everything about her is perfect, i wouldnt change a thing. Perfect long hair, flawless skin, perfect body.. McKenzie, she's in love, happy, so beautiful. Tabby, SO gorgeous, i find her easy to talk to and i think we could be pretty good friends. i love her hair.. i want it terribly. and Heather, her makeup, my lord is it always so damn perfect. no flaws to it, always perfect all the damn day long. She may be a bitch sometimes, but she's also hillarious as fuck. i could see me an her being better friends then we are, but not anything long-best friend. but damn.. i wish i were them..

Friday February 15th, 2013:

last night i broke down terribly and cried for hours.. i could stop. my douche fuck parents.. goddamn.. i wish i could just love them and call it good. but my mom comes down and bitches about facebook.. so now i have to delete it.. god. she controls every damn thing of my life.. she doesnt even know what tumblr is or instagram & she fucking wants me to delete them. HELL TO THE FUCK NO! dumbass. i hate her.. she ruins my life..

Tuesday February 19th, 2013:

okay..well this is reallly really stupid.. but on friday, i realized that with my ex boyfriend, he fucked her while we were together & i had sex with him countless times after.. so now i obviously did something wrong. it showed me how worthless i am & how much i seriously fuck people up..it's all my fault. i loved him wrong. i treated him like shit and look where that's gotten me.. im such a pathetic fucking fail of life. i hate myself.. im used and worthless. im the damn slut of the fucking family for fuck's sake!! my oldest brother just got married & the other just got engaged.. ugh..

ive been starving myself latley too.. it's kinda hard because i love eating, but ive been not eating lunch for about a week & i rarley eat at home soo..

[wandering-lounge]

health troubles (im ok!)

so, last week on thursday, i went into the hospital unexpectedly, I”ll kinda jsut vent about it below but TLDR: My appendix got me hecked up and I got it removed over Friday, and I’m absolutely fine right now. 

Just chillin, happy to be here, taking my time with things, And, just happy to be alive. and like. SUPER appreciative off everyone who follows me. and people who have been patient with me. 

So, On thursday, I woke up at the crack of 2AM with a pain in my stomach, it was large, and it was really uncomfortable. I spent my entire morning waking up and sleeping dry heaving into my toilet and sink. Until about 5:40 i was hating life, and i eventually got a bowl of cereal in me, and went to work. 

Before i had gone to work, I called my boss and left a voicemail at the office, and what i believed was their home phone. they didn't receive either of them. I told them, “I feel very bad right now, and i honestly dont want to work feeling like this. I’ve been throwing up since 2 am”. I told my boss the same thing to her face, and she said the thing she always says when its the busy time of year, “sorry we dont have any spare help, you HAVE to work today.” I did work anyways, but i figured it might just be some intestinal blockage or something minor. “it’ll go away,”, i thought.

As i drove my bus, i was about halfway through with it and i started feeling more and more nauseous. I threw up out of my window and my passengers freaked out a little.eventually i got back and talked witha  couple of other bus drivers, “what are you feeling?” they asked,

“well,” I said, “Ive been having this constant constipated like pain with nausea and what feels like a fever the entire morning.”

“that very much sounds like appendicitis. Have you had your appendix removed?”

“no” i shrugged, as i went back into the office to clock out.I then went to my boss and asked  if they could do something about getting someone to cover me for the afternoon, As well as mention what happened on route today, “sorry but we cant get anyone else, its just you, just go home and sleep”

I go home, I eat a rice cake, and sleep. I wake up about an hour later and throw up the food. and even some water that i drank with it. I feel even worse than this morning, I talk to my close friends on discord, and they tell me almost immediately, “GO TO THE HOSPITAL” I call my mom and dad to ask them what to do, as well as describe my morning. my mom JUST got off work and heads over to my place to do some personal checkups, and my dad is hours away from home and cant do a thing. they also tell me to call my doctor, i describe everything again.

“yeah, it very much sounds like appendicitis, but theres no way to know for sure unless you go to a hospital, but we do have a doctor appointment open in about an hour and a half.” 

I shrug off the appointment for now cause my mom was inbound. I just stare at my phone, “i know that i cant let them down but i’m REALLY nervous about this,” i talk to my friends and they helped me su up the will to talk to my boss one last time, 

I call her, she answers, and...”Boss, I cannot come in”

“what do you mean you cant come in?” 

“i dont feel comfortable coming into work this afternoon, I’m not going to risk this, i really dont feel good,”

“but i need you here, you need to come to work. Who’s going to pick up all of these passengers?”

“tell them were short staffed. its just how it is right now.”

“I cannot tell them that”

“im sorry but I cannot come in”

“fine, then stay home”

It felt awful. my boss was mad, and, well i honestly wasn't risking shit over this.

 And the moment we met up, I tell her aboutt he appointment, and we immediately go. my mom is almost speeding. I was more worried about her anxiety than my own well-being at that point. but eventually we made it to the meeting, My doctor told me the same thing as the nurse over the phone, “it is most likely appendicitis, if your appendix bursts, it could be very messy, very expensive, and... very potentially fatal if not treated soon enough, IF it bursts that is. so yes i highly reccomend the hospital. and so we went.

I get admitted, got my gown. got my room and bed, friend comes and visits, both my parents and half brother visit. its grand. all good and calm as i got prepped for the night and my cat scan. cause you cannot detect the appendix accurately enough on an Ultrasound (the more you know sound plays).

YEP its appendicitis. i sleep for the night. and got it removed the next day. they actually bumped up my surgery by about 3 hours or so cause i woke up in the morning with a 103 fever. (yikes) but they got me an ice bag and opened the door, 

That same day, I ate food, kept it down. felt SO, much better, and i walked out of the hospital. i was so happy to have that garbage out of me. apparently i was struggling with it. possibly for about a year. yeah... so yeah that happened.

also my boss fessed up a couple days later and said things are covered, told me not to worry about it, she felt very sorry about being a “heel”. and, I appreciate it. she told me if i need to i can take 2 weeks off, my doctor gave me a note for a week off.so. all well that ends well.

ok story time is over friends. thanks for reading.

[trashcatsnark]

Yoosung Kim (INFP)

*Note: For the sake of this profile (for lack of a better word) I have to explain looping because I feel confident in saying the Yoosung is going through a Fi-Si loop in the game due to his depression. So, his might be a bit lengthier.

Fi (Introverted Feeling): Empathy isn’t Yoosung’s strong suit. He’s a sweetheart, he doesn’t like seeing the people he care’s about get hurt, he does like helping people, but genuinely putting himself in other’s situation is not something he’s fully capable of at most times. I imagine he’ll get better with time, but throughout his and most routes, his preoccupation is on what he feels. He’s consumed with his own pain and his own grief, rarely considering other people’s. As I said before, I believe that he’s going through a Fi-Si loop, meaning his first and third function are bouncing off each other with little to no input from his secondary function. He tends to be selfish in his feelings and while he does care what other’s think, rarely does it actually change his behavior. He gets judged for playing too much LOLOL, that’s mean and upsetting, he’s still gonna play it. This is painfully evident in V’s route when he’s at his absolute unhealthiest. He refuses to visit family members despite it upsetting his mom, cause he doesn’t want it. In Seven’s route we learn that after leaving for college, he barely even talks to his mom anymore, not even knowing when she got sick. He was so focused on himself. It’s also worth noting, originally, he didn’t care about volunteering. He was forced to do it and didn’t understand that helping can make you feel good. Rika had to teach him that helping people can enrich your life. Unhealthy Fi can be really painfully selfish at times.

Ne (Extroverted Intuition):  The future! And now if you listen closely you’ll hear the sound of Yoosung screaming in terror. Hes looping so badly throughout the game and avoids thinking about the future as much as possible. Cause, it scares him, so he spend all of his time wallowing in his own feelings, thinking about the past (Si) and escaping into video games. You do see glimpse of it, mostly in his route when he starts to break out of his loop, Every now in then it break through and he starts freaking out about what the fuck he’s gonna do with his life, so many possibilities. Should he stick to being a vet or should he work for Jumin’s company? Should he change his major, find something new, nothing thrills him. We also get glimpse of it with his tendency to change clubs, Ne gets bored, easily. He starts a thing then loses interest almost right away. I also see in his route the fact that some of the good Yoosung answers are about re-engaging his Ne, which is a huge part of getting out of a loop. Get your secondary function back into the process. A big part of him getting better is talking about what a future with you/mc looks like. Talking about things you can do as a couple in the future, wanting to go on a trip or having a garden. Ne is all about possibilities, fighting or the future he sees with you is a huge part of his growth within his route.

Si (Introverted Sensing): Rika,Rika, Rika, Rika, Rika, has he mentioned Rika lately? Again, he’s in a Fi-Si loop. He can’t move on from what he had, he can’t more forward. He even tells you, he feels stagnant, like everyone is moving towards the future and he can’t get himself going. He’s not even sure he wants to, cause god only know what the future holds. He wants to sit on his floor and look through albums, reminiscing about the past he can’t get back. And when things challenge his perception of the past, like learning Rika was mentally ill, it fucking shatters him. He relies on memories to comfort him when escapism fails, remember what things were like before her “death” it’s something he can depend on, so learning that that might not even be safe from change is terrifying. 

Te (Extroverted Thinking): While generally nice, when his emotions get the better of him, he’s not a pleasant human being. He’s blunt and will cut through the bullshit of things. The only two people who have hurt my feelings in this game, as in they said something that made me feel like shit aboutt myself, have been Jumin and Yoosung. Both Te users and honestly, Yoosung kind of hurt me more. Jumin has dominant Te which mean it comes out controlled and refined, usually. Yoosung has inferior Te which means it only comes out a lot when he’s going through some shit and pissed off. When Jumin hurt my feelings it didn’t feel personal, he was talking generally about his opinions on women, which as a woman upset me a bit but it wasn’t aimed to hurt me. In V’s route, when the truth has been revealed about Rika, there’s a conversation with Yoosung and Zen. You can choose some option to offer Yoosung comfort along the lines of “It’s going to be okay, everyone is going to be okay.” and he doesn’t waste a second saying that’s bullshit, cause Rika isn’t going to be okay in the end, how can you promise him that. He basically called my ass out on saying useless shit to placate him, when in reality I had neither the power or the desire to insure Rika’s well being. He showed this again, at the end of V’s route, when he intercepted Rika’s poison attempt. He steps up and takes control as much as he can, cause he knows in the end it’s what he has to do. He also showed it at the end of his route, taking control of a situation and getting a bit more badass when he feels he needs too. I also find it interesting that twice, at least in Yoosung’s route, Seven talks about how in a roundabout way he Yoosung as a potentially intimidating or threatening person. He says it’s scary seeing Yoosung get angry. He calls Yoosung a yandere, implying he could see Yoosung becoming aggressive. A trained special agent who’s life is in constant danger is at least a little scared of when Yoosung loses his temper, that says a lot.

[doetoes-blog]

Sarah I told my parents about my eating disorder and now they're creating a meal plan for me to stick to. The thing is, I don't know if I'm ready to recover. Every time I think about eating the food I start to panic. I was crying for hours just thinking about it. I don't know if I'm ready yet.

first of all, i’m so, so proud of you for accepting you have a problem and reaching out for help. that can be the hardest part of the recovery journey for a lot of people, and you’re already past that hurdle. well done! 

keep in mind that everything i’m about to say is stuff that helped me get from starvating to eating intuitively and from hating my body to viewing it neutrally. this just comes from my experience, and since i’m not you i have no idea what will and what won’t help. so don’t be discouraged if anything i say doesn’t immediately help you, or help you at all. that said, here are some things to think about: (under the cut because this is reeeeally long and it’s basically my “ED Recovery For Dummies” walkthrough lol)

your brain is starved of nutrients right now. that exacerbates your eating disorder and any other mental/neurological disorders you may have. things will get easier once you start refeeding your brain, i promise. it won’t be this hard forever.

you have a disorder. you’re sick. i know you logically know that, but do you internalize it? do you understand that your brain is screaming at you to self destruct because it’s sick? you, yourself, the lovely anon in my inbox, the amazingly strong person who stepped forward to ask for help, do not actively want to starve themself. you don’t truly want this - your disorder is tricking to you. recovery from an eating disorder is no different than physical therapy after breaking an arm. it’s going to be tough, but you need to build your strength back to heal. here’s the thing: until you’re firmly in recovery, you’re never going to feel ready to recover. that’s part of being sick. just like until you’ve gone through physical therapy, your arm is going to hurt! but in the end, it’s all worth it.

food is fuel. food is fuel. food is fuel. you wouldn’t try to drive a car 100 miles on a drop of gasoline, would you? of course not, that’s not how cars work - and that’s not how your body works! think about all of the amazing things your body needs fuel to be able to do. pet dogs, walk through the park, smile at babies, hug your family, read books, whatever you enjoy doing. you can’t drive to the beach without gas and you can’t walk on the beach without food.

this part may be diffiult to accept right now, but keep it in mind anyway: food is just fuel. a stick of celery and a cookie are both fuel, they’re just different types of fuel. we needs all types of fuel to be able to function the way that we want to. that said, it’s perfectly fine to enjoy fueling your body. it’s not a reflection of your character if you bond with your family over a nice meal. it’s not sinful to have a treat when you want one. no food is the enemy, and when you stop seeing food as the enemy, ironically, you’ll have more control over it.

in the same vein as thinking about the things you need food to do, make a list of all of the positive things your body does. i’m not a big advocate for body positivity because it’s just not realistic to think we’re the hottest thing to ever walk the earth every second of every day (heck, not even the people we think are the hottest thing to ever walk the earth think that!) but i do firmly believe in respecting that your body is a work of art that is powerful and utilitarian. you might wish your (body part) was (smaller/bigger/rounder/straighter/whatever) but at the end of the day, your body is a miracle in motion. your nose, however pointy or round or big or small, smells because of billions of years of evolution that collided to create the perfect you that smells. your legs, however long or short or soft or stick-like, are the reason you can walk from point a to point b. they are strong enough to carry you for miles. did you know humans have the best endurance of any animal on planet earth? prehistoric humans stayed alive only because they chased animals until the animals just couldn’t walk anymore. we migrated all over the planet because our legs can take us all the way from africa all the way to alaska. and your legs can do that! isn’t that amazing?

remember: you’re not just eating a scary meal. you’re retraining your brain to have a more neutral view of food. you’re retraining your body to use food as fuel. you’re retraining your willpower to do what you want, not what the disorder wants. mealtimes may be a battle, but you’re going to win this war.

not all of these may help you right away, but they’re good things to be aware of. they won’t all come to you at once. for me, just surrounding myself with these positive reminders, even when i didn’t fully believe them, eventually helped me internalize them.

some extra tidbits:

self care, whatever that means to you, is a huge part of body neutrality and recovery. for me, it’s reading, having a bedtime routine and set bedtime schedule, having a good skincare routine, volunteering, and reparenting myself. for you, it could be playing the obo and painting your toenails. just find what works for you. when it’s hard, think about how you would treat someone you love, or maybe a child that was in your care, and treat yourself that way. eventually you’ll learn to love yourself.

surround yourself with positive people. drop negative people. if someone tries to talk to you about their ~new crazy fried chicken and tissue paper diet that made them lose 9489374 pounds in ten seconds~ explain to them that you’re not the person to be talking aboutt that with. if they don’t respect that, give them the boot. the reason for this is because you need to cultivate a life where you can grow. think about it like you’re a gardener fertilizing the soil, picking the weeds, and watering a plant so that it can bloom into a beautiful flower. your surroundings have a huge impact on your mental health! in speaking of surrounding yourself with positive people,

this video explains exactly how i started recovery.

^ @oatsnjen‘s entire channel did wonders for me. she gives lots of advice about countering diet culture/disordered eating in her eating vlogs. she showed me what a healthy amount of food looked like and taught me that eating a healthy amount of food with some treats whenever you want them won’t make you die of a heart attack.

@whatmiadidnext is generally an amazing channel (though some videos can be stressful because she speaks out about serious issues in society, so just be careful if you’re super sensitive). here’s a great video that helped me realize that recovery is possible, albeit slow. here’s her explanation of intiutive eating. this is really what i based my current “diet” (meaning how/what/when/etc what i eat) on.

i need to follow more recovery/positivity blogs on tumblr, but my faves right now are @carissa-n-cream @chaoticawakening @sheisrecovering @edo-vivendum @queen-of-carbs @peachisty @sketchesinstillness. just generally focus on keeping your surroundings positive!

i reccomend staying away from the “hey guys i eat nothing but organic oxygen and gmo free dirt and do a billion pushups a minute to burn it off and i’m healed from my eating disorder! :-)” folks because they can lead you down a path of pseudo-recovery. i’m not going to call anyone out, but just ask yourself if a blogger/vlogger/tweeter/whatever 1. views food as fuel 2. exercises to care for their health, not to keep a certain body shape and 3. focuses on the positive - it’s okay to talk about the difficult parts of recovery, but it may be harmful if someone has the attitude of “woe is me look how sad and tiny and little uwu i am.” answer for yourself if they’re a good influence on you or not.

good luck anon; my inbox is always open and i’ll be praying for you. 💕