#i really need to make a rambles tag at this point lol

[minecraft-sideblog-tm]

There are so many little details in my solo world that I put like a solid amount of logic into why something looks a certain way that A) just floats around in my head for no one else to see/hear, and B) are all details that like if I just let someone freely explore my builds they would not think twice about. So I just want to ramble about a couple of them for a minute lol

(under the cut, because yeah it’s definitely a ramble. I include pictures though!)

For example: The secret nether lab under ground is full of magma blocks and campfires, because there are a couple rooms meant to labs for studying different nether plants. Nether plants grow in very hot temperatures natively, therefore lab must be very hot in order to grow them. But there’s no way some campfires are going to match the same heat intensity as a literal hell dimension, and therefore the nether trees in the lab are small and stocky. 

Because when real life plants grow in inadequate conditions, they tend to grow smaller/slower than they should. A tomato plant that only gets 70% of the light it needs might still make a tomato but it’ll probably be pretty small. A flowering plant might just not make any flowers, etc. 

The smaller nether plants are easily placed much closer to open flames than a full tree can be. Therefore, they can grow to their normal sizes a lot easier.

Also in the Nether lab is a room with an excavated fossil. (Don’t think to hard on the logistics of how a single person would excavate an entire nether fossil, get it into the overworld, and build a room for it alone... lol). It’s one of my favorite rooms in my base tbh

I decided it should be covered in lichen and have those roots hanging off it. The logic there was like: if there is any organic matter somehow left in the bones, it was protected by the heat in the Nether preventing any kind of lifeform that could decompose it from being able to survive. But bring it into the Overworld, which is significantly cooler, would have a lot more moisture in the air, and has significantly more life, suddenly that organic matter becomes susceptible to decomposing. 

The character brought it to the overworld to study it, very quickly noticed bacteria and lichen starting to grow on it, and then tried to make this room as hot as possible to slow the growth of anything else. 

Okay, one more that still kind of involves the secret nether lab™, but this detail lore is a little retroactive. I added the sculk veins to these bushes a while back because I just thought it looked interesting. Now, however, I decided there’s a story reason for it lol. I haven’t built it yet, but I plan to make a closed-off part of the lab that’s like a sculk research lab gone horribly wrong. Basically the character discovered sculk while exploring, brought some back to study, but didn’t realize the speed it would spread under the right conditions.

They create those conditions, the lab starts to get overgrown, and the sculk is spreading much faster than they expected. They eventually cut their loss and try to remove any of the hospitable environment created for the sculk before closing off the lab for good. It’s in a secret, hidden lab that likely no one will ever find anyway, but they still try to put up warnings just in case someone ever does.

Some of it still gets into the ground water through the cave that part of the lab is in (which is also pretty close to being under where these bushes are).

(this pond is directly behind me in the previous screenshot) At some point part of the path outside collapses into this strange pond that seemingly one of the nether plants and the sculk have somehow seeped into and created a weird little ecosystem (there are fish in there too). 

I actually didn’t plan that at all when I first decorated the pond like this, I just thought it looked cool. Originally it was a joke that since I used to throw poison potatoes in it all the time to let them despawn, it somehow created an ecosystem. But then I built the nether lab and the blue room ended up being almost directly below this, so I was like hey wait that’s much cooler lol

[crowlore]

man. been thinkin bout this sleeping arrangement

do you think the twins slept in rem's bed the entire year or only after tesla

[todayisafridaynight]

I wanted to write in about my thoughts on Jo as a CSA survivor separately for a couple of reasons:

I already more or less have what I have to say on the topic in order thanks to talks with @starssystem and another friend [<3]

This is a massive tonal shift from anything else I could be discussing

This Is Massive In General For The Love Of God PLEASE Help Me

Obvious CSA CW for anyone else reading; I only discuss statistics, psychology, and the aftereffects seen in survivors here, but it's worth a warning.

With the disclaimers out of the way… I'd mentioned before I've only ever added one thing to Jo's background, and you were right: this is it! To me, there's so much thematic overlap in Jo's narrative with the experience of surviving CSA it's worth it to examine his character through the lens of that being the case. Of course, there are clearly-stated reasons for it all that Aren't That, but…

It's the pervasive guilt and shame, the lifelong secret that becomes too unbearable not to tell, the faulty coping mechanisms aimed at burying the trauma without having to face it, the reluctance to be sincere [vulnerable] and the lies and half-truths used to maintain the facade of invulnerability, the pursuit of power and control and the knee-jerk anger response when it's threatened, the pursuit of mastery over his body and the indifference to what happens to it. And the way a lot of it really does stem from a deeply traumatic childhood sexual experience from before either he or Ikumi understood what they were getting into, from before they could give informed consent.

Statistically, the further below the average age someone is for their first time, the likelihood of [at best] having been introduced to sex inappropriately and [at worst] having been abused at the time or earlier rises exponentially. Jo was 15 when Masato was conceived--possibly 14, since he was saying he "met" Arakawa at 15, and by then Masato was already born. To put this into perspective, since what ages register as concerning is largely cultural, the average age in the US and UK is 16-18. But in Japan, it's over 19.

To a Westerner [or even a heavily Westernized non-Westerner], having a kid at 15 is unfortunate, but not untenable; you've seen it on TV, you might know people like that, you might even be that kid or that parent. But in Jo's case, with him being 4 or 5 years younger than average, it's like if someone told you they had their first time--had a /kid/--at 13 or under. That's the equivalent discrepancy. That /is/ concerning, to me.

It's also something that's linked to negative outcomes in adulthood, partly because of the likelihood of forming bonds with poorly-adjusted peers. Jo specifically states he and Ikumi were only together because others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had back then. [As an aside, it's interesting to see him instinctively seek out a relationship where his pain would be understood without having to say anything--or one where he could assume it would, at any rate.]

When it comes to his relationship with Ikumi, I've always felt there was this "adult dynamic" between them--in the sense it feels like one that'd be more fitting for adults to get into than a couple of teens. It was, based on his wording, a primarily physical relationship neither of them expected to last even if they were living together. To me, it's one thing if you're fully convinced you're in love or you're experimenting or whatever and that results in an unplanned pregnancy, but it's another thing entirely to have such a bleak yet objective outlook on your relationship so young.

And it didn't have to be that way. He could've been just like Arakawa, head-over-heels in love with this girl who was The Only Good Thing He Had Going, or something like that. But the sheer contrast between how Arakawa was crazy about Akane and never forgot about her for the rest of his life, while Jo more-or-less-clearly didn't have feelings for Ikumi and can't bring himself to remember her name after living with her for at least a year and experiencing life-changing events with her…

It's notable to me that Arakawa maintains an interest in women while nearly every in-character interpretation I've seen makes Jo averse to women. Obviously, we don't really know that; it's probably just based on his general attitudes, his contrast with Arakawa, and maybe his immunity to Charm. But I think there's a reason a lot of people pick up on it and tie it to trauma rather than/in addition to a lack of interest in women.

I've talked about this through the lens of comphet already [and Jo being gay or ace or both would present other difficulties], but I can't overstate how notable it is on its own. We see Jo's response to traumatic events, and it's to become preoccupied with them, to investigate further if he has any leads. That's why he remembers every minute detail of the night Masato was born and the time he saw Arakawa attempt to comfort Masato when he was crying and hitting himself. I think it's also why he gets as far as he does when looking into Arakawa's death, and why he entrusts the search to Ichi. He never seems to manage to block them out, even if that's what he'd rather do--even if that's what he thinks he's doing.

So if he "[doesn't] even remember" the name of the mother of his child, I get the feeling there's something more going on. Like I've [probably] said in the past, Jo genuinely sounds traumatized by the relationship as a whole. More than anything else he's been through, and he's been through a lot. It's often the case that CSA survivors who are also survivors of other trauma view it as worse than anything else that happened to them.

And that's not to implicate Ikumi at all, I don't think it's a case of COCSA--everything I've said holds just as true for her, and she had to suffer the additional trauma of an unwanted pregnancy and childbirth, at that. Rather, I think it would make sense for something like CSA, which often incontrovertibly reconfigures one's relationship with sex and love, to be a factor in why they rushed into a something physical before they were mature enough to handle it.

Some victims end up having perfectly healthy experiences, some victims end up avoiding them, some victims end up re-victimized, and some victims end up with a mixed bag--there's a lot of variation. But some victims do end up having relationships like this and making mistakes like this, because that's all they know, or because they want to heal but don't [or don't know how to] go about it in a healthy way, at a healthy pace. And I definitely think if you recognize that's what the basis of your relationship was, that it all comes back to something you'd rather forget, it'd make sense to want to forget the relationship as a whole.

To that end, it's possible to come away from a relationship traumatized even if no one did anything wrong. I've [probably] talked about how the way Jo comforts her at the station feels like he's doing it for her sake and pushing his own feelings down, but neither of them is really buying it. If that's a pattern in their relationship, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to communicate if maybe what they were doing was dredging up bad memories, if he wanted to stop but didn't think she did. So to go through with it, then get the news months later…

Either way, the fact Ikumi couldn't bring herself to tell him she was pregnant until nothing could be done would, for Jo, invariably cement the feeling he has no control over what happens around him. I think the sense of powerlessness he felt is why he blew up at her when she told him, because it's really the only time we see him lash out like that at her. At the park, he objects to going back for Masato, sure, but he's passive. And I think that unbroken pattern of powerlessness in his life [which CSA would only compound on] is why he's so reactionary, why he's so emotionally dysregulated, why he expresses his rage through what basically amounts to power-tripping.

But I do think Jo does have a great deal of awareness. A lot of his wording when he's telling Ichi about it borders on poetic, or at the very least candid and effective. That requires both prior reflection and a command of language. I think there's a lot he understands deep down, at least after sitting with it for long enough, but he isn't capable of voicing--or doesn't know how to voice--what's on his mind, most of the time.

So when he joins the Arakawa Family, when he rises the ranks and has that control back, his control has to be near-absolute. If it's undermined in any way--such as, for example, a certain someone failing to answer a call within two rings--he loses it. On the other side of the coin, I do feel a lot of why his devotion and gratitude towards Arakawa goes to the extent it does, why he's so comfortable with him, is because Arakawa gave him the safety of the Arakawa Family, gave him back his autonomy, gave him the environment--and treated him with enough humanity to give him the reason--to learn to regulate himself, to better himself.

And Arakawa /gets/ trauma. He really does. Aside from his own abusive background, literally the only time the word trauma comes out of any character's mouth in this series, it's Arakawa's. It comes back to Jo saying others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had; that never changed, did it?

Lastly, For Funsies [<- LIE. COMPLETE LIE. TURN BACK NOW] I wanted to go through the items on this [CSA] Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist I could check off with near-certainty. 19/34, by the way, give or take. Now, as I said at the beginning, there are existing concrete reasons for why he has many of these experiences… but it's like the trans allegory with Masato, To Me… If I can check off over half the list based on a very limited backstory and an hour of screen time total, that's indicative of a notable overlap… TO ME…

Note that the book this list is from was published in 1990 and focuses on women's experiences. It was a huge step forward in giving survivors a voice back when a lot of existing research indicated CSA had neutral or even positive effects on children, but it's definitely a product of its time. With that out of the way…

Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer […]

To be fair, most male characters in RGG are fully-covered and have near-unchanging designs, and it's winter in both 2000/2001 and presumably 2019, but… when it comes to Jo, it feels a little different.

He does have Some Heavage in his twenties [although the necklace takes the attention off of his actual chest], but as time goes on, he shows less and less skin and adds more and more layers. When he has the gloves on, it leaves no skin exposed at all, and there's this direct symbolic correlation with secrecy that isn't there for other characters. And if you're wearing three layers of leather [or even one], you can neither feel what you're touching nor feel anything touch you.

Pure Speculation, but I just can't really see him underdressed for any occasion… That's why his fit in Day with the Sun is funny as hell but also… yeah…

As a behavior, if it's rooted in anything, it's probably rooted in having to hide signs of physical abuse, of course--but then he kind of already had an excuse, with how he was constantly getting into fights. I guess it depends on the specifics, but I think it's interesting to consider this as one way CSA victims attempt to regain control of their bodies, avoiding emotional discomfort at the cost of physical discomfort.

Self-destructiveness

It's nothing super overt, but I see this most clearly represented in his second boss fight in particular; his willingness to wield a blade bare-handed while using enough force he could very well render his hand useless. I think it's potentially also evident in how he has severe cataracts he chooses to ignore and allow to worsen, despite having the reasons and resources to undergo surgery to restore his vision. In doing so, he literally and figuratively blinds himself to so much.

I also kind of think the assassination of Hoshino/the anonymous call and The Eye Scene are examples of self-sabotage. I mean, he literally was sabotaging himself in the former, but it's also the specific way he feels the need to be physically taken down in order to be stopped--possibly a holdover from RGGJo, who's only too happy to be beaten into a coma.

I don't know… It's hard to pinpoint, but I feel like he would be averse to most of the more "obvious" self-destructive behaviors--especially when he has people in his life who might notice and worry, like Ikumi and Arakawa. That and because many of them are addictive. He's seen what that's done to his father, and he's also developed this incredibly rigid sense of discipline he can't maintain if he doesn't have a clear head.

From how he talks about himself [as having lost his humanity and lived a half-assed life], I definitely think he's at the very least unkind to himself, but I also think he does externalize it by provoking others to harm him [in the case of physical fights] and reject him. Like he needs some kind of proxy perpetrator. For some abuse victims, this specific manifestation of self-destructive behavior is a way to regain control--whether or not you "deserved it" back then, you do now, as a direct, logical result of your actions.

Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad

I think each of these needs manifests in different ways for Jo. The need to be invisible can be seen with authority figures (mainly Aoki, but also Arakawa in The Yubitsume Scene, a little; how drastically he pulls back and tries to act "normal")--this relates to what you were talking about with being reluctant to intrude or take up space. If you fall under the radar, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfect can be seen in his seemingly "impossible" standards, I would say. Of course, because we see things from Ichiban's perspective, we tend to see them as unfair and often arbitrary demands. But they aren't arbitrary to Jo, are they? They're standards he holds himself to through and through. If you're good, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfectly bad can be seen in and relates to much of what I discussed under self-destructiveness [The Eye Scene and the way he antagonizes Ichiban specifically by making himself out to be worse than he is]. If you must get hurt, it can at least "make sense"--be "deserved."

Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")

Obviously he's not like… Mine Levels Of Overtly And Consistently Suicidal, and he doesn't attempt suicide himself, but at the same time, I have to note his total ambivalence towards Aoki seeing him as a "bullet" (a kind of hitman sent on suicide missions). He agreed to what he himself viewed as a suicide mission and he didn't care what would happen to him afterward, as he says to Joon-gi, Zhao, and Adachi.

Aside from that, I certainly feel he's at least had passive thoughts like wanting to disappear or wishing he'd never been born. Y'know. Nothing concrete, but reflective of his mental state, and just as detrimental to dwell on long-term.

I think there's a sort of childishness [for lack of a better word] to thoughts like these [in that they're impossible], but also a level of maturity in that it probably doesn't escalate to something more actionable because he understands he has responsibilities he can't abandon. I think if he was ever seriously suicidal, it would be at the points of his life where he really didn't have any responsibility to anyone, like between Ikumi leaving and him joining the family, or after he was arrested.

Depression (sometimes paralyzing) […]

I'm trying not to over explain going forward because I Have BEEN Overexplaining It Is SUCH A Disaster… he's depressed If You Have Eyes And/Or Ears… I'll leave it at that…

Anger issues; inability to recognize, own, or express anger; constant anger […]

Lol

Rigid control of one's thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity

Relates back to what I was saying about how disciplined he is [and expects everyone else to be], but in general, he's incredibly, incredibly serious and focused. I don't think he's /entirely/ humorless [but then again, very few people are]; I just think his specific sense of humor is. Like. What Is Your Problem [I Know What Your Problem Is I Have Been Discussing It In EXCRUCIATING Detail But What The Fuck Is Your Problem]

Trust issues; inability to trust (trust is not safe); total trust; trusting indiscriminately

That's why he was planning on taking his secret to the grave, isn't it? It was only when faced with the realization it would soon be too late to say anything that he was able to tell Ichiban. He could've trusted Arakawa, should've been able to, but… in his mind he never could.

This book [and this checklist] is about "incest" actually, but it redefines "incest" to mean any instance of CSA perpetrated by any individual the victim trusts or has an expectation of being able to implicitly trust. Which… is most CSA as we understand it today, so I've edited some parts to just say that.

Anyway, I've never given much thought to the specifics of what Jo might've experienced--who did it, what happened, how long it went on, etc.--so there's no conclusion I can draw here [and elsewhere, I'm sure]… but even without that, to grow up unable to trust the one person who should be in his corner, his father, and to have his trust betrayed by Ikumi, it's no surprise Jo ended up like this either way. So… I'm happy he had the courage to tell Ichi, in the end.

High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks

I think these are supposed to be mutually exclusive, but to me, Hoshino's assassination and Arakawa's assassination represent both sides of the coin, although they're not the only examples. There are risks Jo won't think twice about taking and risks that paralyze him.

Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something)

Lol…

Guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless; high appreciation of small favors by others

Lmao Even…

Feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given)

I actually think this encapsulates a lot of what I've been saying about his work ethic, his ideas of discipline, and his relationship with Ikumi, but I also think it's why Masato took a liking to him. His attentiveness. It ties back into wanting to be perfect; when you're abused--especially long-term--you become attuned to observing and responding to any shifts in mood or tone. This is another area where I can't draw any conclusions relevant to my point, but it does certainly relate to his father's abuse, at any rate.

Abandonment issues

Kind of contentious… The anticipation of being abandoned by or losing someone he cares about appears to be worse than the actual experience. He's fine with Ikumi leaving him, and he's… not Fine With, but able to come to terms with Arakawa's death and Aoki's abandonment of him. At the same time, he really does try to make Ikumi's stay in his life comfortable, and he spends almost forty years doing his damnedest to keep his family together, whatever the cost. If I were to extrapolate from RGGJo, though, /he/ does have an obsessive, unhealthy attachment to Arakawa.

Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12); or a specific person or place

Ikumiiiiii that's what I'm SAYINGGGG

Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty no one will listen; being generally secretive […]

Rofl Perhaps…

Denial; […] repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad") […]

He admits to it himself. Not much else to say. Though I don't think he necessarily minimizes what he's been through by dismissing how bad it was; rather, he tends to overestimate his ability to move past it.

Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships (intimacy is a problem; also focus shifted from [CSA] issues)

Also kind of contentious… we don't see a pattern of romantic relationships, as I assume the author meant here, but at the same time, the romantic relationship and non-romantic relationships we do see fit this pattern. I guess I'd say I definitely think intimacy /would/ be a problem, and he /wouldn't/ be ready to address his issues.

Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ("ice=thin")

The quote that prompted this ask in the first place. It's sort of connected to the point about humorlessness and extreme solemnity; if that was the "what," this is the "why." He doesn't know how to relax ["holidays don't exist" and all], he doesn't have much to be happy about, but even rarer is the occasion where he doesn't feel too conflicted in the moment to be able to enjoy himself. That's just how I see him.

[…] verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard

EXACTLY what I was talking about in this ask, so I'm leaving that one up to past me…

......

... That's It That's The Essay I'm going to hibernate until Infinite Wealth comes out and somehow refutes my points but UNTIL THEN. Farewell, take care, and once more, don't worry too much about matching my energy… Like I Said if I were the one receiving this ask I'd just delete my blog, so… I'll just be happy to know you read it :] If That lmao

ok i read it :) 👁️👁️ READMYTAGSTHERESMORETHEREIPROMISE

[jeonqkooks]

i’m really not joking when i say i think about these asks all the time

[thedevilsrain]

FELLAS

IS IT G

[that-was-anticlimactic]

hi corey beloved can i get a 🎶 ? ❤️💜💙 loooooove the new fic btw it’s so sweet

"telephone wire, stop too fast / telephone wire, make this not the past / this car ride! / this is where it has to happen / there must be some other chances / there's a moment i'm forgetting / where you tell me you see me / say something, talk to me / say something, anything / at the light"

telephone wire - fun home (musical)

send me a ♪ and i'll put my music on shuffle and give you my favorite line from a song <3

wahhhhhhhh thank you so much omg 🥺 i really appreciate that, beloved <3 i'm really glad you liked it because i Struggled to write it - it took me So Long to FINALLY get in the groove iuytffcguiuytfgyu thank you sm for your kind words <3

suddenly there's sunlight all around me

[here's a link to a free pdf of fun home if you or anyone who sees this is interested... a v good read]

[bat-connoisseur]

I am once again asking for requests, but this time specifically for characters you feel like don't get drawn enough. HC, HK, Pokemon, the usual fandoms I draw for :> Also! once again FL friends if you'd like me to draw your Guy just say!

uhh as per usual can't garuntee I'll get to all of them but I'll get to as many as I feel motivated to. Sorry to everyone left hanging after the last lot. I did all but two I think so. personal best!

[jasntodds]

Petrichor [18]

Pairing: Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader (little bit of fwb)

Words: 9,775

Chapter Warnings: Swearing, angst, canon character death, blood, canon violence, mention of previous abuse, mention of drug use, mention of drug addiction, mention of canon gore, kind of a mention of alcoholism

Summary: ❝Pylades: I’ll take care of you. Orestes: It’s rotten work. Pylades: Not to me. Not if it’s you.❞

Gotham is home, not just for Jason but for you, too. And now that you’re both finally back home, together, you’re ready to see where this next chapter brings the two of you. He’s your best friend and you’re his. And you both might want a little something more with being back home, the place you both feel most comfortable. Surely, nothing could possibly go wrong now.

A/N: I can't believe I've had to type out canon character death 4 times for this series lol You can add yourself to the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary  and turn on notifications if you prefer that!! I love feedback, I swear it keeps me posting on a weekly basis 😭

series masterlist | masterlist | tag list

You and Gar are seated on the floor facing each other while Rachel went out to get you some supplies. You're trying to wrap your head around how you're supposed to function around the city and take down Crane when the entire city wants your heads on spikes. The GCPD has always been weird about Batman but now they actually want all of the Titans taken down and with Crane behind it, that can't mean just throwing you all in cells and tossing away the key. You can't just go out and fight every civilian that hates you now. They're brainwashed because that's what Crane does and fighting people who have no clue what they're doing isn't going to help your situation. It feels more like you're all sitting ducks at this point.

"Doesn't it bother you?" Gar asks, breaking the silence between you, earning an eyebrow raise from you. "How Jason came back."

Your eyes narrow slightly, unsure how or why it would bother you. Him being alive is a good thing. "Why would it bother me?"

"I mean the Lazarus Pit." Gar states as he leans forward. "Like, he came back and that's just it? Some water somewhere is magic and can bring people back from the dead. That doesn't make sense."

You nod your head slowly, this is the same thing he told you at the manor when he showed you some of the books Bruce had on it. "Yeah, we went over that. It's because of Ra's which I think makes a lot of sense, honestly. It's still bothering you that much?"

"Yeah, like why doesn't anyone know where it is? Or what if they do but it's a secret. Bruce knew, right? Why didn't Bruce close it off like the others? Why did he keep the one in Gotham open?" Gar rambles off his questions.

Of all topics that's going to pick at Gar, this is it? The Lazarus Pit? You're bothered by it, too but not enough to be sitting here thinking about it when you're worried the Titans are going to be hunted for sport now. You've been separated and you're going to need each other but Gar doesn't seem bothered by it at all. Just the Lazarus Pit.

You blink at him a few times. "I've been trying to rationalize the decisions Bruce makes but I think that's more of a dead end than anything else. If anyone is going to have that answer outside of Bruce, it'd probably be Jason or Dick. But, they don't really get him either. I don't know." You shrug your shoulders. "Bruce is paranoid, maybe that's all there is to it. Couldn't explain why no one else knows..."

"Yeah, he's paranoid!" Gar groans. "So why leave it open?"

"No, I mean that's probably why. Or research." You let out a breath. "Maybe he's worried something will happen if he closes all of them off. Or he needs it to do more research. I don't know." You scoff. "I don't know how he feels about resurrection so maybe he wants to use it to help people or something I have no fucking idea, Gar. I think you'll drive yourself insane if you try to rationalize Bruce Wayne." You lean back on your hands, stretching out your legs.

"Maybe more people know about it." Gar says quietly. "If Crane knew..." Gar trails off as his eyes grow worried.

Without him finishing, you know exactly what he's thinking.

"Yeah, thought of that." You nod your head, your heart skipping a beat.

If Crane knew and his guy knew, more people know. They have to. Gotham is a big city so anyone can stumble upon it. People talk, it's what they do. It can't be that big of a secret. The question is who knows about it. If Crane knows, more Arkham inmates might know. More people who are crooked might know. There have been some really bad people who've been killed. If Jason can come back, so can they.

"We have to find it." Gar states.

"Why?" You ask flatly, tired of the circles you've been running.

"So we can do something about it." Gar says sternly.

"Like what?" Your voice raises.

Considering Crane is literally taking over the city, poisoning the water, and still might be wanting to distribute his drug, you think your hands a little bit full at the moment. Why go messing with something like a Lazarus Pit? That just sounds like a bad idea. Doing research into it is fine but the way you see it, it's probably best to leave well enough alone. Maybe you all should tackle one problem at a time and the Lazarus Pit doesn't seem to be a problem right now.

"I don't know! But maybe we can understand more about it and...use it for good. Or close it off so people like..." Gar's voice trails off as his eyes dodge yours. "The Joker don't get brought back."

"We should leave it alone." You urge, not missing a beat. "That's...that's Bruce and Ra's' business and Jason filled me in on the whole League Of Assassins and the Al Ghuls and I don't want to fuck with them."

"Since when are you on Bruce's side?" Gar scoffs in disbelief. The you he knows would love to do anything to get one over on Bruce, to show him up, prove he's wrong. Or just spite him in general. "He left. He left Dick to clean up his mess."

"I'm not on Buce's side." You grit your teeth. "I don't know why I have to be on anyone's side besides my own, by the way. Look, he's been doing the Batman shit a long fucking time and his methods don't always work but there has to be a reason the pit was left open." You pause for a few seconds before you shake your head. "It brought Jason back. It's not up to us to close it or do something with it."

The room falls silent with your final words. A lot of really bad people can be brought back and that is obviously a big concern. And you disagree with Bruce like you get paid for it but you know if that, of all things, was left open there is a reason for it. It brought Jason back. The way you see it, it can't be up to you and Gar to do anything about it. The Lazarus Pit isn't a battle and it's not up for Gar and you to make it into one. That's Bruce, Ra's' and Jason's business now.

"I got everything." Rachel states as she walks into the room, gaining Gar's and yours attention. The two of you get to your feet as Gar takes the bag from Rachel. "So, this happened last night? With the GCPD?" Rachel asks as Gar looks through the bag and pulls out a box of Cheeze Its.

"Yeah." You nod. "We, uh, we were set up. Dick and Babs had a plan to get the public off our backs but uh, Crane has basically the rest of the department on his payroll now so, uh, yeah." You nod your head as you look to the ground. Gar nudges you softly, offering you the bag. You look inside, seeing clothes. "Thank you." Your eyes widen at Rachel as you nod your head but before you can go to change, all of your phones start blaring an alarm.

The three of you pull out your phones, hoping this means cell towers are back up and running but you can never get so lucky. Instead, Jason wearing the Red Hood suit appears on your screens. Sam's heart falls to her feet. This is never good.

"Hello Gotham!" Jason cheers. "It's Red Hood coming to you live from the most exclusive spot in town: The Batcave. For too long, this city has been at the mercy of criminals and I'm not just talking about the Penguin and the Riddler and The Joker. I'm talking about the ones who pretend to help but only make things worse. First Batman and now the Titans. Hypocrites who feed off of your terror and pursuit of glory and they turn Gotham into a city of carnage. But it all comes to an end today. There's a new savior in town. First thing I'm going to do is burn the trash. You hear me, Nightwing? You're public enemy numero uno. But not for long, meet me at midnight. You know the place. It's time for us to finish this." Jason finishes before the screens go black.

You can feel the headache coming back. What the fuck?

"Okay, what the hell was that about?" Gar asks, looking to you.

Just last night Jason got you both to safety, took out the snipers. Gar might have been a bit out of it but he remembers that pretty vividly. Now, Jason is back with Crane?

"I literally have no fucking idea." You let out a groan, stuffing your phone back into the pocket of your suit.

"I thought he was on our side?" Rachel asks.

"Yeah." Gar raises his brows. "Isn't he supposed to be?"

"He is!" You immediately defend, desperately grabbing for an ounce of faith and reason Jason might have. "I don't know what he's doing. Maybe..." You pull in a breath, trying to figure out why he'd be acting like he's trying to target the Titans. If it were you, it'd be an act, a ploy to play both sides. "Maybe it's to meet up with Dick? I don't know. I mean, he has to make the public think he's with them and not us. He has to play along with Crane or he's dead again. And Crane clearly has access to the towers so it's not like Jason can just...call Dick. Crane might know." You nod your head, mostly just blurting out whatever bullshit you could come with on the spot.

"That's not reassuring." Gar remarks. "How do we know he's not working with Crane again?" Gar asks and he wants to hold onto hope that's not the case but after everything, even he's starting to be chiseled down into a calloused version of himself.

"We don't." You state, holding your head steady, careful not to waver. "We don't know. I don't think he would but it's always possible Crane drugged him again, I guess." You roll your eyes before you roll your shoulders. "Okay, I'm gonna go find Dick."

"No!" Gar protests. "They're going to try to kill you if you go out there. We need to stay hidden until we think of a plan."

"Yeah, I'm with Gar on this one." Rachel states, glancing between the two of you.

"I know this city like the back of my hand. I can find him and be fine." You argue back casually.

At this point, you aren't too afraid of what's out there. It can't possibly be any worse than anything you've experienced lately. You can change, go out as a civilian until you find them. It shouldn't take too long and if it does, you know where they'll be at midnight and you can go there. Someone has to find Dick before any of this gets any worse. And someone needs to find Jason to make sure he's not actually going to try and kill Dick again. You're volunteering, again.

"How are we supposed to find you again then?" Gar asks.

"I don't know." You shrug. "Rache's ESP or whatever?" Rachel offers a slight glare to you as you shrug and give her a grin. "That's kind of what it is." You mutter under your breath. "Whatever Rachel just used, use that. I'm gonna find Dick and if I can't, I know where they're gonna meet."

"Why do you know that?" Rachel asks.

"Because I know Jason and so does Dick. So I'm gonna go there if I have to." The casualness of your voice is not reassuring to Gar or Rachel.

"We're gonna try to find the Lazarus Pit then." Gar states, holding his head high as he crosses his arms.

"You're not gonna stop about that are you?" You ask slowly, giving Gar a slight glare.

"Nope." Gar offers you a smile right back which gets your rather cold exterior to crack just a little.

"Fine but can you promise not to mess with it...like don't take any water...liquid? From it, okay? Or have Rachel try to destroy it." You raise your brows at Rachel and then at Gar who starts to beam.

"Of course not." Gar nods his head once. "I just want to find it, learn more."

"Alright." You let out a sigh. "I'll change and head out. If we don't meet up and you don't hear from me before somehow, we'll meet back here at noon tomorrow, okay?"

"Sounds good." Rachel offers a soft smile. "Don't do anything stupid."

You let out a soft laugh. "Yeah, too late." You look back to Gar. "You guys don't do anything stupid." You smile cheekily at Gar before you turn on your heels. "Be careful!" You wave a hand as you leave the room.

You start your search near the tunnel system, hoping Jason will be there at least but he's not. The reality is that if Jason doesn't want to be found, he won't be. That little bit of information about him has you starting to really worry. It's probably nothing. Jason is probably just with Crane, getting information and saving his own ass. But, there's this small part of you that does wonder if he's preparing to go after Dick again. As much as you don't want it to be true, a part of your trust in him is gone. It's been ripped and torn to unrecognizable shreds. It's as if he took that trust and ripped it apart, baring his teeth with anger like a rabid bear and it can't be mended from that. It's not how it works. There is no fixing it. Just gaining something new and you are not there yet. That leaves you questioning his motives even if the beating between your ribs is telling you his intentions are only pure.

Finding Dick is of no use either. You don't even know where he would go. At least with Jason, you know he likes the school around the block from the library but he doesn't care for that library. He prefers the one near the shelter that houses mostly kids. He has his favorite gargoyle. Finding Jason, when he wants to be found, is easy but Dick? You have no clue where he would even go. He probably has places to go but you aren't sure of any of them which leaves you mostly wandering around until it gets closer to midnight.

By then, it's time to change and meet them at the spot. If nothing else, Dick will be there and you'll be able to tell him where Gar and Rachel are.

This is not how Jason wanted this to go. He wanted to meet up with Dick but with Crane having control of the entire city, he couldn't risk it. Too bad for Jason because Dick does not trust him. Dick has offered him no benefit of the doubt of this not turning into a fight and no part of Jason actually blames him even if he's mad. Of course, Dick doesn't trust him. Why would he? But Jason doesn't stop fighting him to try to explain anything and neither does Dick. Instead, the two of them fight, throwing punches and kicks. Dick uses the enigma sticks and Jason shoots at Dick a few times. It's turned into chaos.

Somehow the roles have flipped. Jason doesn't want to kill Dick but by the way Dick is fighting, Jason is scared Dick will fight him till the death and Jason doesn't want to die again...not yet. It leaves him with no choice. Fight harder, faster, better. Be better.

But Jason and Dick's attention is pulled away from each other.

"What the fuck are you idiots doing?!" You yell, fully suited up again and just walking up to see the chaos they're creating.

This does not look good. They shouldn't be fighting. If all Jason wanted to do was meet up with Dick, they shouldn't be fighting. Something went wrong and at this point, you aren't even sure who caused it this time. But by the way Dick snaps his attention back to Jason and smacks him with the stick, you almost wonder if it were Dick that started this.

Jason doesn't take it lightly, immediately stepping back into combat mode and firing a shot at him. You roll your eyes, pulling out your grappling hook and a knife. You aim the hook at Jason's feet and the knife at Dick before you fire and throw. The hook smacks Jason's feet, throwing his aim off while the knife's end hits Dick's arm with enough force to get him to drop his stick.

"Hello? What the fuck are you two morons doing?" You snap again.

"He started it!" Jason yells as he points at Dick like a child.

Dick snaps his attention back to Jason. "Me?!"

"You threatened to kill him again, Jason!" You yell at him. "Seriously, what the fuck is going on?!"

Jason spins to look over at you. You cannot believe he wanted to fight Dick again. Of all people, you have to know this is not what he came here to do tonight.

"I just wanted to fucking talk and he attacked me!" Jason points at Dick again.

"Gee, I wonder why Dick would attack someone who just threatened to kill him. It's a real brain teaser, Jay." You quip back but you roll your eyes and look over to Dick. "So...you gonna kill him now?"

"I saw him!" Dick defends as he points the stick at Jason once he picks it up. Are they both five? "At the PD." Dick clarifies. "He was on the roof when we came out. He was in on it!" Dick closes the distance between them and smacks him with the stick again.

Jason doesn't miss a beat in fighting back, not even bothering to explain that he was at GCPD to help. Of course, Jason isn't going to try to explain that now. You're just exhausted with these two. At some point, they need to learn how to communicate with words and you figure, maybe they can just fight it out for once. Maybe they need to just fight until they get tired. So, you cross your arms and decide you'll watch and try to intervene if it looks like they might actually kill each other.

Dick ends up disarming Jason entirely, sending him to the ground just as a crowd of civilians gather around to watch the show and that's when your stomach starts to sink. Jason will be fine but these people hate Dick. The fight turns into a violent hand-to-hand fight, the two of them throwing punches and kicks as hard as they can and going for the neck. Jason grabs Dick's neck, pushing him back but Dick grabs Jasn, throwing him over Dick's head and slamming him on his back onto the hard pavement. You wince at the sight and sound. Dick walks over and picks up one of Jason's guns before he goes back to Jason and stands right over him. Dick points the gun at Jason's head.

You're quick to run and stand over Jason. You look up at Dick. "Dude, put the gun down." You put your hands out in surrender, the gun aimed at your stomach. "You're not gonna kill him." Your voice doesn't waver even if you're not entirely sure if that's true anymore.

Would Dick kill him?

Jason doens't want to die. It feels wrong to be back. It feels wrong. Like he's stretching the universe too far and it's all going to snap back, straighten itself out and toss him back into the grave where he belongs. But today, at the hands of Dick Grayson? No. He is not dying tonight so he decides to taunt Dick. Even if Dick wants to kill him, he'll never do it. He'd never give Jason the satisfaction even if Dick were able to toss his morals to the side.

"I did this to you." Jason mutters.

"Shut the fuck up, so fucking help me." You look to the sky in annoyance.

"You did this to yourself." Dick points the gun past you, aiming at Jason again. You move to stand in front of the gun again.

You were just shot two days ago. As badly as it hurt and as bad as it still sucks now, you'll take the bullet if you need to. No one is dying tonight. You've all lost too many people already and this is over a miscommunication.

"Come on. Give me the fucking gun." You mutter. "You're not like us." You plead, locking eyes with Dick.

There's something about the way you say it that gains even Jason's attention. It's not pained or sympathetic, it's just honest. It's not remorseful even, just honest and candid. But it's sad with the smallest touch of desperation. It says everything Dick and Jason need to know about how you really feel about people killing other people.

Dick looks at the gun and back to you. He hands you the gun and you take it, removing the bullets immediately and tossing them before you bend down beside Jason to make sure he's okay. For a second, you really thought Dick just might pull the trigger.

"You okay?" You ask softly as Jason leans up on his forearms, his head and back throbbing from the impact.

Jason looks back at you, brows pinched tightly together but then he sees movement from the corner of his eye, grabbing his attention behind Dick. "Nightwing." Jason's voice is rough but stern, harsh. A warning. Jason's eyes widen with the slight nod of his head.

You follow his stare, seeing an innocent civilian aiming a gun at Dick. Dick's brows pull together but before he can turn around, the kid starts shooting. Lucky for Dick, the suit is bulletproof. The bullets bounce right off as Dick turns around. The gunfire comes to a stop as you and Jason watch from your spot behind him. The both of you start to worry, just a little because the suit might be bulletproof but the kid just needs one lucky shot for this to be catastrophic.

"Woah, easy. I'm not here to hurt you." Dick says, putting his hand out as he walks towards the kid.

You get to your feet first, offering Jason a hand up. Jason takes it but the two of you keep your eyes on the kid. Scared kid, a gun, a guy painted to be the enemy fighting the guy painted to be the hero. The air fills with dread, suffocating Jason with its bare hands tattooed with guilt and regret. It's his fault Dick is here. It's his fault he didn't just say what happened and what he wanted. None of these people should even be here. What is he supposed to do?

"Careful, put the gun down." Dick states.

Jason pulls out another gun, switching to new bullets. He's definitely not going to shoot a scared kid who thinks he's doing the right thing. But, he can shoot in that general direction, he can just use it as a threat if he needs to. He doesn't want to threaten the kid but if he has to he will. He did not come here to kill Dick, get Dick killed, or watch him die. Not tonight.

"What the hell are you doing?" You whisper to him.

"Being prepared." Jason mutters back.

Dick hears Jason and turns around to face him before he starts walking back toward you and Jason. Dick is on guard, feeling as if he can't trust Jason. The second his back is turned, Jason is reloading a gun. From Dick's perspective, Jason isn't done fighting and Jason poses more of a threat than the kid. So, he pulls out the enigma stick again.

Before Dick can reach you and Jason, the kid starts shooting again. Dick is blocking them but Jason pulls you behind him, blocking you from the few shots not even putting any thought into it. But, by the time the third shot rings across the stale air, it finally makes proper contact with Dick. The kid got lucky. The kid got lucky, sending the bullet into Dick's neck right above where his armor stops.

It's as if the entire scene falls into slow motion as you and Jason watch in horror as the blood spurt from Dick's neck. Jason's heart stops beating entirely as Dick's hand goes to his neck, trying to put pressure on the wound. Jason eyes the kid who doesn't even look surprised or sorry or fucking scared. He doesn't look scared. He should look scared.

Jason didn't feel scared killing all those people but if he weren't high, he would have at least felt something. There would have been some part of him that would have felt some sort of fear or remorse or pity or he would have had a thought questioning if it were the right thing to do. Is this really the last resort? He would have felt fucking something other than pride for a job well done. This kid does not look like any of those things. He looks like he just did something on a random Tuesday night. No remorse, no consequences. Just a thing he did.

What is the city turning into?

What has Jason turned this city into?

"I did it for you." The kid's wavered voice breaks the silence, shattering the slowed illusion.

Jason glances to Dick as he falls to the ground and then he looks back to the kid. This is not what he wanted. Crane, Jason, they convinced the public of this. That this was the right way. Jason may not have had a part in that video but it never would have been made if it weren't for him. The public is gonna get blood on their hands. This will clear up, somehow, someway, it will and now this innocent kid, has to deal with the death of someone on his own hands for someone who was masquerading around like a hero, like a savior.

"Red Hood." The kid states, this time the unsteadiness of his voice is gone. And then he starts chanting Jason's vigilante name, over and over and over again as the rest of the civilians join in.

You look at him with heartbreak before you run over to Dick, pushing him onto his back where you put your hand over the neck wound. How could this happen? Another person? Another fucking person? Dick was always right about Gotham. Maybe Bruce was right about Gotham.

Jason went into more detail about what Bruce said to him the day he took Robin away. Bruce had said something about how people lose themselves to the city. Maybe he was right. Maybe they go mad, maybe they turn into murderers, and maybe they die. But eventually, maybe everyone gets lost in the city of damaged hopes. And maybe Dick was right, too. This city takes and it changes people. It's as if this city needs the chaos of destruction in order to stay afloat and it waits in the shadows, just waiting for the perfect victim at the right time before it sinks its teeth into them. It bleeds them of all their good parts until there's nothing left. A perfect sacrifice for the city.

Maybe that's all Gotham is because Dick is bleeding out because some kid got fucking lucky with a gun.

Jason watches in horror and having everyone chant his name does not sound as good as he once thought it would. At one point, he thought having everyone cheer for him would feel good. He would be important but he just got his brother shot. Someone who has almost always just tried to help him. Jason has been out here trying to kill him and thanks to you, Dick was willing to trust Jason and give him a second chance but now he's just been shot and it's his fault. And he's going to die because of him.

Jason knows what it's like to die and it's fucking terrifying and painful. Tears brim his eyes and the crowd is still chanting and he sees your cheeks glistening in the low streetlights around you. He wanted to talk but when Dick attacked first, rightfully so, he just couldn't help it. He thought that it was over for him and maybe it didn't have to be. How the fuck did he get here again? He should have just surrendered. That's all he had to do but his ego and pride get in the fucking way. All he ever does is get in the way. Dick's gonna die and it's all his fault.

He wants to run, get out of here because it's all too much. Too loud, too heavy. Too much pressure. Everyone is cheering as if Jason pulled the trigger and killed the worst of the worst. They're brainwashed and Jason knows that better than anyone. Someone has to snap them out of it. It's too much but running and pushing has never done him much good.

"Get out here!" Jason yells over the crowd as the chanting slows down. Your attention, like the rest of the crowd, lands on him. "Go! Before I start fucking shooting." Jason aims the gun into the air, his arm steady and his eyes threatening.

"We're on your side!" One of the citizens announces.

"So do what I fucking say." Jason snips back. "Didn't ask for you fucking help here. Get out of here." Jason takes steps toward the crowd as they start to back away.

They grumble and mutter amongst themselves before they eventually disburse. Jason takes that as his cue to run up beside you, leaning over Dick. There's blood pooling out of his mouth as he gasps for air.

"I can't stop the bleeding." You state. "Think he hit the fucking artery."

"I got it." Jason mutters, slightly nudging you out of the way where he can replace your hands with his. You have had enough blood on your hands lately, this is on Jason.

Neither of you have ever seen Dick look scared or panicked. Surely, he feels it. He is human and normal, mostly. But, he's really good at hiding it. With Deathstroke, you didn't see the look of pure terror on his face when you were standing outside the window. You didn't see the look of horror and agony on his face as Jason was falling to his death. You didn't see it because Dick has always been good at making sure no one sees those emotions from him. He has to be strong, sturdy, and a little calloused in order for everyone else not to panic. If the leader looks panicked and scared, so will everyone else. If everyone is scared and panicked, mistakes are made and more people die. So, he hides it. Until now.

Dick can feel the blood loss taking over, making him light-headed. The blood loss and bullet wounds alone are making it harder to breathe. He knows how long he has, maybe minutes but nothing more. Not unless you or Jason can get some sort of help in the next few seconds. He's going to die and it is fucking terrifying. He isn't ready. He has too much left. Who is going to look after the Titans if he dies? Who's going to stop Crane? He has too much life to live, outside of the Titans to die tonight but he is helpless. There is no help and there is no hope. It's just him bleeding out in the middle of downtown Gotham.

"Get." Dick tries to pull in a breath. "Help."

You look around and you don't see a single person around. Your heart starts to break as the lump comes back to your throat. It destroyed you when Jason died and it destroyed you when your mom died. You're actually pretending like Tim survived just in case he didn't. You can't deal with it if he died, too. But, you look back at Dick and you're really scared he'll die.

You might fight with him all the time and disagree with him usually, but you have a lot of respect for him. He saved your life more than once. You might not like his morals but you think he is a good person and he tries a lot harder than anyone else ever would. To help innocent people. To help you, no obligation, no transaction, no contingencies. He helps you because he just does. Just like with Rachel and Gar, and despite what Jason thinks, you think that's why he tried to help Jason, too. Just because. It shouldn't be Dick to die. The Titans need him. He's a really good leader, usually. It's almost shocking but he is. And everyone trusts him. The Titans will fall apart if he dies. They practically fell apart when Donna died but Dick would kill them. The Titans need him. You need him.

Jason glances over to you, knowing this is going to be bad. He's not going to make it and by the look of devastation in your eyes, he knows you feel it, too. And then the throbbing under Jason's hands comes to a slow halt.

"Dick?" Jason questions, looking back at him. "Hey, man, stay awake." Jason holds his voice steady, careful not to let it slip how much this is ripping him to shreds. "I can't feel his pulse." Jason says quietly, glancing back to you before he pulls his hand away, trying a different spot but he still feels nothing.

"Keep your hands on the wound." You mutter, moving to the opposite side before you place your hands on his chest and start chest compressions.

Jason watches you, trying to keep his hands steady on the wound but with every ump, Jason can feel blood coming from the wound, warming his hands. The tip of Jason's nose starts to feel like it's on fire while his eyes feel like someone's just thrown sand into them. This cannot be happening. Dick is otherwise dead and he's got you doing CPR, just as you did the night Jason died. And Jason can't peel his eyes away from you as some sort of self-torture because he thinks this is probably similar to how you looked that night.

The hood of your suit falling off of your head, resting lazily on your shoulders and moving with every compression. The way your hair is a complete mess. Tear-stained cheeks shining against any light that they catch. And blood soaking your skin. Jason wonders if this is the exact sight Babs walked in on. You must have felt so alone.

"Dick!" You and Jason hear Gar's voice from across the pavement, wet footsteps picking up their pace. "What happened?" Gar yells as him and Rachel get closer to the two of you.

"He was shot." Jason states as you don't miss a single beat.

"He's not breathing." You rush with heaving breath.

"Are you sure?" Gar asks with glossy eyes.

You stop, feeling for a pulse and there's still nothing. "Positive." You continue chest compressions, looking to Rachel who falls to her knees beside you.

"Is there anything you can do?" Gar asks, looking at Rachel.

You stop, sitting back on your toes, to see if Rachel can use her powers somehow to save him. It might not have worked on Donna but maybe it could work on Dick. He hasn't been dead long. Maybe that matters and Jason and Gar seem to have the same hope. Jason pulls away while Gar keeps his stance steady, almost holding his breath as Rachel tries her powers, a purple glow coming from her hands over Dick's neck. But nothing comes from it. Instead, the purple fades as Rachel lets out a cry.

"It's too late." Rachel sniffles, looking to Gar.

Gar lets out a scream as tears start to fall from your eyes. Jason's eyes stay trained on Dick, almost distant as he thinks the pain of it all has just chewed him to pieces. What are you gonna do?

You look to Rachel who looks like she might break into a million pieces right in front of you. Gar yells again as bats crowd the space above all of you. The four of you look up, watching the bats circle around all of you. Gar starts to have problems with his eyes as he rubs them only for his face to start turning green and then his hands start to change until his body follows. Suddenly, Gar is a bat, flying with the others above you.

"Gar?" Rachel asks.

You, Jason, and Rachel get to your feet as the bats circle closer and closer to Dick, Gar right in the mix of them. You all back away as the bats fly down to Dick and start to pick him up, all of them working together. They fly Dick high into the air before they start moving.

"What...the....fuck?" You look to Rachel as she'll have some sort of answer.

"That's new, right?" Jason looks to you who just nods.

"Come on." Rachel says, without missing a beat, grabbing some of Gar's clothes before she starts following the bats and Gar.

You and Jason exchanged a confused look before deciding to follow. You both have absolutely nothing left to lose at this point.

"I thought he couldn't turn into anything else?" You ask as the three of you run to keep up with the bats.

"He turned ito a snake once." Jason answers, not even thinking.

He was possessed at the time and the reason Gar turned into a snake in the first place but Gar talked about it a lot at first. Jason tried to help him transform again, several times with different methods. Getting him mad, scaring him, sparring harder with him, they tried everything but nothing ever worked. And then Gar stopped talking about it.

"Yeah, once but now he's a bat?" You question. "What the fuck?"

"Is that really what you're concerned about right now?" Rachel asks, her voice torn between amusement and worry.

"I mean..." You suck in a breath. "It's better than the alternative. I would prefer to focus on the weird shit than the sad shit."

Rachel gives you a subtle glare as you keep up your fast walk. It's not a long walk before you all reach the entrance of a building and Rachel is the only one who understands what's happening.

"They're taking him to the Lazarus Pit." Rachel says as Gar and the bats take Dick into the building.

"What?" Jason almost demands as his steps come to a hard stop. "You found it?"

"Yeah." Rachel mutters softly, turning around to see Jason not walking and you standing a few feet in front of him.

He can't go in there. It feels wrong. How do you know Dick would want that? Would he want it? If someone were to have asked Dick before he died if this is what he wanted, would he say yes? Would he agree to it without knowing the consequences of being brought back? Would he be okay with the constant feeling of being pulled back to the dark where the Grim Reaper waits with a smile?

But Jason looks at you and Rachel, the two who Dick has saved. It's not his place to argue it. Dick hasn't been dead long. Maybe he won't feel the way Jason does. Jason was dead a few days. Maybe it's different. Maybe the Pit has different effects the longer someone is dead so it's not his place. Jason hasn't been on good terms with Dick in a few weeks, he doesn't get a say. But, he can't go in. The pull is too strong and his bones feel like they might vibrate and shatter right through his skin. He can't do it.

"You coming, Jay?" You ask softly as you close the distance between you. You thought maybe he'd want to see the thing that brought him back. It is fascinating. And maybe he could be there if it works for Dick. Maybe help.

"No." Jason shakes his head. "I'm going to Crane." Jason spits it out without thinking as he watches the shock consume your face.

"Do you think that's really a good idea?" Rachel asks as a wince almost consumes her entire expression.

Jason takes a step towards you and nods his head at Rachel before looking back at you. "I gotta try to fucking help. Maybe I can get Crane to spill with Dick dead. He won't know about the Pit."

He has to do this. Maybe he can convince Crane to give up some form of information. If the Pit can bring Jason back, it can bring Dick back. He's going to wake up in a few hours and now it's Jason's job to get him some answers so they finally put this whole thing out of its misery. He owes Dick that much.

"Are you sure?" You ask, eyes scanning his face as if fully convinced this is just him avoiding something.

Jason nods softly. "Yeah, go with them. We'll meet later." Jason offers something that's not quite a smile.

You don't like the idea but...maybe Crane will think Nightwing's death is on Jason's hands. Maybe that'll be enough for Crane to actually trust Jason just enough to offer some sort of information to him. It's the right thing to do.

"Okay." You nod reluctantly. "Be careful, yeah?"

"Always." Jason gives you the subtle smirk he always does before he nods and runs off in the opposite direction.

The two of you go into the building, following the way Gar and the other bats took as you run to catch up. You get to an open room where a glowing pool of blue liquid sits right in the middle of the room. Gar and the other bats hover above it, holding Dick's lifeless body.

"Gar, now!" Rachel yells as the bats start to lower Dick into the water.

Once Dick is lowered, the bats fly around until Dick is completely submerged and then they disburse. Besides Gar. You and Rachel sit at the edge of Lazarus Pit, just watching as it starts to bubble. This whole thing is weird but you can't help but feel just a little bit of hope. If it worked for Jason, it should work for Dick.

"You're not allowed to leave anymore." You mutter, keeping your eyes on the Pit.

"What?" Rachel shakes her head in confusion.

"You're not allowed to leave. Everything went to shit and you show up, find me and Gar and then the damn pit. You can't leave, Titans need you." You nod your head quickly as Rachel smiles softly, looking back to the pit.

Gar transforms back to himself and starts getting dressed. Once he has his pants on, he walks to the edge of the pit, standing opposite you and Rachel. He's blinking dramatically, having a subtle sway to stance as he tries to get his equilibrium back to normal.

"He's gonna make it, right?" Gar asks, looking at you.

Gar isn't sure how you would know but you're the one who's had more conversations with Jason than anyone. Jason might not know a lot but something about asking you gives Gar hope. Maybe you do know the Pit works every single time. Gar hopes it works like that.

"I don't know." You shrug. "Uh...J-Jason just said, uh, that someone put him in it and then he was alive. So..." You nod your head. "I-I guess if that's all there is...yeah. Jason was dead for a few days so..." You pull in a shaky breath.

"I can't believe he actually died." Rachel states, her eyes on the pit. She says it mostly out of hope that whatever happened with Jason to bring him back, will bring Dick back.

You glance to her before you pull your knees to your chest. You know it's because Rachel is finding all of this out for the first time while everyone else has had a few weeks to digest the news and fumble their way through the aftermath. But, no one can believe Jason not only died but then came back. It's the way it's talked about, how it's said in passing and so casually that you almost wonder if they're all just...fine with it. At the end of the day, Jason died. He died. That was something that happened and he remembers it. As someone who was nearly beaten to death, you know that was haunting. Is haunting. You can't imagine what dying is actually like. And how terrified he probably still feels. But, everyone else is...it's as if that aspect of it, doesn't matter. To some extent, you get it. You understand because he became Red Hood and decided to kill Dick. You understand because they didn't see it. But, it irks you anyway.

"Sorry." Rachel says quietly. "I didn't mean anything by it. I just meant that it's kind of crazy. Jason was reckless but I didn't think he'd actually get killed." Rachel explains calmly.

"No, it's okay." You shake your head. "You're just getting the news of everything and then Dick is killed. I get it, don't worry about it."

"Are you okay?" Gar asks, his brows knitted together in their usual state of worry.

"I'm fine." You look up to him with one stern nod. "Been here a few times, right?" You quip bitterly.

"That's why I asked." Gar nods his head.

"Yeah, I'm good." You sniffle. "Are you guys okay? I mean...it's Dick." You look between Rachel and Gar as if feeling you have no right to grieve him as much as them.

You've been at odds with Dick most of the time over the last few weeks. It doesn't seem fair for you to absorb any space for grief. It should be given to Rachel and Gar.

"No." Gar answers. "What're we supposed to do without him?" Gar's voice nearly shatters.

"We don't have to think about that because if it worked for Jason, it'll work for Dick." Rachel states with ease and you're not sure who she's trying to convince.

"Yeah." Gar says shortly.

"I think we need to force the batboys into therapy after this. Group and individual until they learn how to have a conversation." You groan, trying not to focus on Dick actually dying and not coming back from this.

"We all need therapy." Gar mutters as he comes to sit on the other side of you.

The three of you fall silent, just watching the pit with no idea how long this is supposed to take or if you'll even know if it works or not. This is definitely the pit but none of you know the logistics of it. For all you know, this isn't going to work or it could take hours or days. So, you just fall into silence, mostly thinking of everything that's happened.

It's haunting and sets reality into stone of the work you all do. Of couse, it was real the day Donna died. Wonder Girl was killed. It was real then, too. But, it was an accident. And then it was real when Jason died. But, it was Jason who was killed by The Joker. That was different. This is Dick though. He's the leader and even when he's wrong, he still knows what to do. He was Robin. He's Nightwing. He's not supposed to die and he did anyway. And it was by some kid with a gun. It wasn't The Joker or Two Face or Deathstroke. It was just some kid. A kid Dick would have protected but everyone turned their backs on the Titans over Crane. And Dick was killed for it.

What are you all supposed to do if this doesn't work? Just go back to San Francisco like nothing happened? That doesn't seem possible. It'll just feel cold and lonely.

Between the three of you sitting here, he's saved your lives more times than you can count. He is the older and annoying brother none of you really asked for. It's losing another family member. But...it hits a little different this time. So, the air around you feels like it's carrying bricks and the guilt of the entire world.

Jason, he's also still processing everything that's just happened. When he left to meet Dick, he knew he'd have to start talking immediately, given his own broadcast and conversation with Dick. But, then the flashbang went off and it's like it...triggered something in him where he just had to fight. He just had to. Something deep inside of him told him Dick would never let him explain why he did what he did. It's the immediate defensive mechanism and he knows it. But, he's on the way back to the manor and he's thinking that was just dumb. It was not giving Dick any bit of credit which Jason doesn't like to do on most days but he deserved this time. And now he's dead. He's dead and that's Jason's fault because that kid was defending him. Everything is his fault even when he is desperately clawing his way away from all of this. It follows him.

He told you that, months ago, it follows him like a curse and he has never been so sure of that. First it was his mom. He is not mad at her and he holds no resentment towards her but he wasn't enough for her. She chose those drugs every single day over him and he knows part of that was so she could function. That's how it started. It started so she could take care of him. If it weren't for him in the first place, his mom wouldn't have gotten addicted and then she'd still be here.

His dad was angry and desperate because he was just trying to provide for them. He was down and out and he was an ass and abusive but there was a point, before the alcohol, where he was trying. He was trying and if it weren't for Jason being an extra mouth to feed who needed other things, maybe his dad wouldn't have been so angry and desperate.

Had he never gone after Deathstroke, you wouldn't have been there. Had he never gone after Deathstroke, the Titans wouldn't have left and the tower wouldn't have been attacked or the Titans would have fought together. Gar wouldn't have been kidnapped and turned into a killer. Donna wouldn't have died.

You wouldn't been traumatized had he never went after the Joker. You wouldn't have been shot. Dick wouldn't have been shot and killed. Hank wouldn't have been killed. Everything that's happened has been following right on his heels like a rabid dog chasing him down a dead end alley. There is no escape. He is just stuck in this constant spiral of agony and causing everyone else around him the worst pain they will ever experience.

This is all his fault and there's nothing he can do anymore.

Even if the Pit works, will Dick remain the same? Or will he be as terrified and traumatized and stuck as Jason? Whatever side effects Dick gets from the Pit, that has to fall on Jason, too.

Jason reaches the Batcave, the cuts from Dick's punches still bleeding over his face. Crane is dragging his scythe on the floor, his face covered in fresh cuts. He's got this evil and eerie smile while there's a body on a table, cut open with his organs sticking out. This is the first time he's ever felt terrified of Crane. At the hospital, it wasn't Crane Jason was worried about it. It was who would call in. But this? This is Crane losing his damn mind on some, likely, innocent person and Jason thinks his days are definitely numbered with him. Everyone's days are numbered with him.

"Nightwing's dead." Jason states, his words flat and pained.

"Batman saved my toy." Crane says but it's only slightly enthusiastic, almost childlike as he holds up the scythe by the chain. Crane lets out a light chuckle as Jason just watches him closely, ready to move if Crane tries to pull anything. "A trinket of our courtship together. Who would have thought he was so...sentimental."

Jason's eyes narrow as he watches Crane. All of this...over his scythe? Jason knew he was insane but he's really pushing the envelope tonight.

"Did you hear me?" Jason questions but with no venom or snark. His chest is in so much agony, he doesn't think he can muster it at this second. "I said Nightwing is dead!" Jason gets himself to yell, growing frustrated.

"So?" Crane states. "Wasn't my monster." Crane states plainly but not in the way where his words feel light. This time there's something heavy and dark in his tone, running a chill up Jason's spine. The scythe drops to the floor, Crane still holding it by the chain. "He's your monster. What do you want? A cookie?" Crane offers a half-assed chuckle, mostly to himself.

A fire starts erupting through Jason's blood like an overdue volcano. He can't be serious. Getting clean, Jason realizes that so much of the shit Crane was spilling was just him manipulating him, making sure Jason had no one to run to besides Crane. But, there's some part of him that is still hurt and disgusted by the reaction. It was Crane's idea.

"You said that's what you wanted." Jason argues softly, taking just a few steps toward Crane. "When it was done, we would save Gotham my way." Jason's voice is small as the sense of betrayal kicks in.

He is only here to find out what Crane has planned and then he's gone. But, he can't help how badly it hurts. It would hurt anyway because he was manipulated into it. Turned against someone who has been looking out for him. But, Jason, as far as he knows, felt like Crane figured they were still on the same side. This doesn't feel that way. That's when Jason is realizing that's the point. Jason does the dirty work so Crane can be up at the top, hands clean and filled with the power Jason served him on a silver platter.

He knew that's all it was but maybe a part of him still believed otherwise and for the life of him, he has no idea why.

"Gotham will be saved." Crane starts his walk towards Jason, holding his scythe so it doesn't drag on the floor. "But first, it must be destroyed. As clever hopes expire, waves of fear and anger circulate over the bright and darken the lands of the earth." Crane explains as he uses the chain to sway the scythe back and forth while he paces in front of Jason.

"What the fuck kind of gibberish is that?" Jason quips back not even entirely sure if Crane is actually coherent.

"No," Crane says quickly, turning to face Jason. "No, not gibberish. No, it's the past come to life in the present." Crane pauses and Jason realizes how completely fucked he is. "An ode to the bat and his wee bird. When they stopped me, but they can't stop me now. No." Crane is looking away from Jason and Jason is starting to wonder if Crane is talking to him or just talking to himself or some third person Jason isn't aware of. "They can't stop me now...because." Crane shakes his head. "Because we will walk among them. The dead." Crane looks back at Jason and Jason hangs his head, something about him basically being the dead. "And the fallen city will be like...it'll be like a beacon. Very soon, very soon, Jason, very very soon they will die. Yes, they will die."

What the hell is this maniac even talking about?

"Who will die?" Jason asks cautiously.

"All of them!" Crane faces Jaosn as he screams, his entire face turning red. "All of them! Everybody." Crane looks to the floor and this is not how Jason wanted to fix Gotham. The answer isn't gutting the fucking the city. "You still stink of fear. After all that I've given you."

Jason's growing tired of Crane's babbling. It's not making any sense and he wants to get the fuck away from him before Crane tries to slice him in two like the other guy.

"You said I was gonna be a savior." Jason nods his head at him, a hint of disgust in his voice. "Is that your whole plan? Destroy the fucking city?"

"Is that not what it's been about?" Crane states almost whimsically.

"And how the fuck do you plan to do that?" Jason lets out a scoff but Crane just offers him a harsh glare as Jason sees his grip tighten on the chain.

Crane isn't going to tell him anything and even if he does, it'll likely be an incoherent mess like it has been the last few minutes. It was a waste of time, mostly. What Jason does know now is that he wants to destroy the entire city. There are a lot of ways to do that though and that's where he finds himself stuck. But, he can't stick around here. Not when there's no chance of getting a good answer.

"I won't help you destroy the city." Jason holds his stance, firm but calm.

"Well," Crane says with disappointment. "Perhaps you won't." Crane says before there's a pause and then he turns around quickly, throwing a scythe at Jason, still holding onto it by the chain.

Jason dodges just in time, moving quickly away from Crane. Crane follows right after him, swinging his scythe at him and just missing by a few inches. Jason keeps moving away and running, avoiding the blows each time. He does not want his head taken off tonight. That is not the plan. So, he dodges and once he sees the opportunity, he runs out of the Batcave as quickly as he can.

Crane has officially lost it which was only a matter of time before that happened. Jason was hoping they had a little bit more time but, if Crane is losing it, that means he'll be easier to take down. Once Crane starts losing his mind, he gets distracted, starts losing some of the quick thinking he's so proud of. But, Crane has something in place. It's the way he talked about it that tells Jason Crane won't need to do anything else. It's already in motion. So, now he needs to find at least you, Rachel, and Gar and maybe the four of you can figure it out. Maybe you've had some luck with the Lazarus Pit.

Jason hopes you've had luck with the Lazarus Pit.

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[lovifie]

A little update for everybody for my current and future updates 🩷: (please read it ❤️)

Her Royal Highness: Hiatus. Trust me, I am the saddest about it. It is the first thing I wrote and what made me want to start the blog, but I have kind of lost the vision I had for it and I can't write anything without hating it. Don't worry too much about it because I am really dramatic and might just keep it going on a month 🩷.

Lift me off my feet: Around 4 chapters left. It would make it a 13 chapter series, taking in consideration I started because of a fanart I'm quite impressed with. Still, the little plot that it has is starting to run out and I feel like it is just unnecessarily stretching it, especially since there are other series I want to work on and I can't until this one is finished. I wanted to ask, would you rather have me finish this one “fast” or alternate it with other posts? Fast would be as in focusing on writing only this fic until I finished, and I believe I could have it done next week most likely.

Switch Bodies: Plot wise, around 2 chapters. After that, it would just be random scenarios that I would think of or that you could want me to write. Still, this one doesn't really have a schedule as it is mostly jokes so I can't tell when I'll update.

Spidey: This one will have a slower than usual post schedule since it is going to be interactive and I'll need to leave time between chapters to let everyone vote their favorites. So I'll be a bit more relaxed rhythm of updates.

Poll Fic: Whichever wins the poll (I can't see the results until Monday unless I vote and I'm edging myself like a moron), I won't probably write anything until I finish Lift Me Off My Feet, plus I want to organize a bit the plot so the thing that happens with Her Royal Highness doesn't happens again and I have something to support myself on to finish it. So I'll be a bit of time still.

Those are the series, I'm also working on oneshots and just silly stuff that genuinely I'll post randomly.

Aswell, I wanted to let people know that the on taglist form I removed the option to choose on which fic to me tagged because I was getting everyone mixed and it was becoming too chaotic so now there will be one single taglist. I hope you guys don't mind too much and thank you for understanding. If you would prefer me to remove you from it you can also tell me on the taglist form without a problem. 🩷🩷

There are going to be a couple of days without updates because I'm going to work on tidying everything up a bit so it is easier to navigate the blog. And I'm also going to slow down a bit as well, because I don't understand why I have pressured myself into uploading as soon as possible to the point I'm burning myself out instead of enjoying writing like I should.

That being said, I'm done rambling and complaining. I'd love any kind of feedback, as comments, asks or DM, I always love to read you guys opinion and ideas so feel free to do so ❤️❤️

Sorry for the disappointment of this not being an update let me know what you would rather have happening on the Lift me off my feet fic 🩷

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[thatturtleleon]

KOBD HCs

THEM

cuties

they silently judge people together

actually scratch out the "silently" part, at least for knockout, they'll talk shit whenever and wherever

one time knockout said something funny and breakdown let out this booming dad laugh and smiled and knockout thought his spark was going to spontaneously combust

and when knockout laughs like that, breakdown will do absolutely everything he can to make him laugh like that again

i love how different their fighting styles are and just their overall vibes

like knockout is a bit more gentler when handling things, and mostly fights with speed

breakdown just whips out his hammer thingy and clobbers everyone

one can be brutally beating an autobot or something and the other's like "haha omg ur so sexy babe"

they're both chilling while knockout's describing (in great detail) about dissection and breakdown's giggling kicking his feet

little freaks i love them sm

slight NSFW in the bullet point below!

ok usually i don't get into NSFW stuff on here but i saw this one post saying that what if Transformers don't get horny or have sex because theres no need for it since they don't reproduce sexually (which i agree with) but knockout heard about humans doing it and he was like "well fuck now i need to try that with my husband" and he just like invents a way to do it LMAO

slight NSFW part over :)

they crack bad puns together in the middle of fights

speaking of fighting, i feel like they wouldn't really fight each other?

like sure they'd occasionally have some disagreements, but nothing serious

KOBD just fits together like that y'know?

Note: I'll probably add more to this later on, but here's all the ones my brain could ramble out lol

@virovirokun-has-adhd i'll tag u in this cause ik u love them <3

[charlottesbookclub]

like real people do (alistair x reader) 💜💜

Summary: honestly there's no real plot, just pure fluff. Alistair tries to adjust to having a human mate, and he's trying really hard 🥹

Warnings/Tags: gn!reader, mention of skipping a meal (not intentionally), mentions of eating, Alistair being awkward and a bit rude lol, basically just pure tooth-rotting fluff, but as always, let me know if I've missed anything!

Words: 1,634

Author’s Note: me, writing a twilight fanfic in the year of our lord 2024? it's more likely than you think. uhhh yeah I have no real explanation for this except that I have stumbled back into my Alistair obsession and I just wanted to write a cute little something for him. I don't think this is my best work, but at least it made me smile, so that's something. honestly I have no idea if there's anyone else out here reading fanfic for an incredibly minor twilight character, but if there is, I hope you enjoy whatever this is! I was thinking of making this a little series of Alistair trying his damndest to figure out human stuff, so do let me know if you have any interest in that. but okay I'll stop rambling now - enjoy! 💖

            A message pinged through on your computer, and you looked away from your work for a moment, pulling up the chatbox. It was Lucy from the front desk: 

hey – someone’s here to see you

who?

hard to describe – and i’m having a hard time getting his name

You chuckled softly to yourself, having a sneaking suspicion you knew exactly who it was. Odd that he would willingly put himself in a situation that forced him to speak with other people though. Your laughter turned into a small frown as you considered the fact that something might be wrong. You and Alistair hadn’t been together long, but you knew about his aversion to others well enough to wonder what could bring him into proximity of the possibility of needing to engage in small talk.

be right there

You pushed back from your desk and hurried down to the lobby. Lucy was obviously waiting for you to arrive, and she met you with a mildly panicked look, gesturing with her head toward the tall man standing awkwardly in the corner of the lobby. Thanks to his heightened senses, he had noticed your arrival long before Lucy, and was already striding across the floor toward you at a pace that was just barely slow enough to be considered human. You made a mental note to ask Carlisle to gently review normal human behaviors with him. You just managed to give Lucy a quick thumbs-up to indicate that you knew the tousled man before he bustled the two of you back toward your office.

“Alistair, what the hell?” you asked as he ushered you inside and closed the door behind him.

“What a truly awful system,” he muttered to himself, clearly continuing a rant he was already halfway through rather than answering your question. “I mean really, how many idiots should I have to go through to see my partner?” You just crossed your arms and leaned back against the edge of your desk, a bemused smile starting to fight its way onto your face. You knew it was no use interrupting him until he had gotten everything out. “’Would you like something do drink?’” He parroted Lucy’s question mockingly. “No I bloody well would not – unless you’ve got a few bags of blood stored away back there,” he retorted to this fictional Lucy sarcastically. “Zounds, how hard is it to just point me in the right direction and leave me in peace?” His words faded into muttering and soft curses in a version of English that hadn’t been spoken for hundreds of years.

“Alistair,” you said quietly, breaking him out of his monologue. His talking to himself had seemed strange at first, but the more you learned about his life before meeting you, the more it made sense. He had been his only company for so long and was only now slowly adjusting to speaking with other people again. You, however, found it incredibly endearing and hoped he didn’t break himself of the habit completely. 

His focus snapped to you instantly when he heard your voice, and he started murmuring apologies that you quickly brushed off.

“Alistair, it’s fine,” you assured him, sending him a warm smile and softly placing your hand on his forearm. Touch was another thing that was coming back to him only slowly. You had learned to proceed cautiously, gently, making sure he knew that you were about to touch him before making contact. The words stilled on his lips as his eyes focused in on the place where your warm palm met his cold skin.

“Alistair,” you said quietly after a moment of letting him adjust to the contact. His eyes traveled back up to your face at the sound of his name on your lips. “Is something wrong?”

“I—no,” the words tumbled out awkwardly, and you could almost see him trying to say three different sentences at the same time. If he still had blood under his skin, you were certain he would be blushing. Knowing that eye contact made conversation even more difficult for him, you flicked your eyes down toward your hand still on his arm, gently pulling it from where it hung limply at his side. You cradled his large hand in both of yours and began tracing mindless patterns on his skin, hoping this would give him enough of a reprieve to gather his thoughts. He took a deep breath and tried again. 

“Nothing is seriously wrong, but I— well I… worried about you.” This instantly caught your attention, and you looked up again almost without thinking, only to find his ruby eyes gazing back down at you with a softness you were just beginning to recognize.

“Alistair, I promise, I’m just fine,” you assure him.

“But… well… I noticed you didn’t eat breakfast this morning.” You tilted your head, wondering why that was such a cause for concern that he would willingly subject himself to the horror of checking in at your work.

“I was just running a little late and didn’t have time to make myself anything,” you explained, hoping that would ease his mind, “there’s always snacks in the break room, so I figured I’d have something when I got here.”

“I understand, but humans in your age group are supposed to eat three balanced meals per day, with the addition of one to three snacks. Lack of nutrients can result in many deficiencies, which in turn can lead to side effects like headache, dizziness, and trouble concentrating.”

You couldn’t stop the smile that was growing on your face as you listened to him recite this knowledge as though he had memorized it straight from a Wikipedia article. However, you seriously doubted Alistair’s ability to navigate the internet, since Carlisle had only recently convinced him to try using a flip phone.

“Where did you hear about this?” you asked, trying to remain serious and stifling the giggles that were rising in your throat.

“I’ve been reading Carlisle’s medical texts,” he responded with a furrowed brow, “I want to make sure I understand all the risks and ensure that I am prepared for every eventuality.”

If you hadn’t been completely in love with him yet, this would have undoubtably sealed the deal. He may be awkward and eccentric and even difficult at times, but he was trying so so hard to care for you in the best way he knew how. Although the whole situation was still incredibly amusing, you simply couldn’t bring yourself to laugh at him, even if it was all in affection. Instead, you raised yourself slowly to your tiptoes and planted a soft kiss on his cheek.

“Thank you for thinking of me,” you said as you lowered yourself back onto your heels. Your chaste kiss seemed to have frozen him for a moment, as he stood there completely still, his soft squeeze of your hand the only indicator that he was still present in the room. You let him recalibrate, and as he came back himself, he made a soft exclamation as though he had just remembered something. Reluctantly releasing your hand, he swung a small backpack off his shoulder. 

“I brought you some breakfast,” he explained as he pulled a jumble of containers out of the bag and placed them on your desk, “I tried to make sure I balanced all the proper nutrients to ensure you wouldn’t suffer any adverse effects from not having eaten this morning.”

You busied yourself with looking at all the containers of food to hide the tears that were welling in your eyes. You had never had someone care for you so completely like this before. Unfortunately, your plan didn’t work, since the awkwardly yet earnestly prepared food only brought more tears to your eyes. You had never expected that strangely cut fruit, mangled pancakes, and soggy cereal sitting in its own milk would make you cry with joy, but the amount of thought and care that had clearly gone into each piece of the meal was about to reduce you to ugly sobs.

You could feel Alistair watching you intently as you opened each of the containers, seemingly trying to gauge your response. When he couldn’t bear it any longer, he finally broke the silence. 

“If you don’t like it, I—I’m happy to go out and buy you something. I haven’t had human food in so long and even—even then I didn’t actually prepare it so I tried reading some of Carlisle’s recipe books but I think I still didn’t get it right—” 

“Alistair,” you didn’t normally like to cut him off, but you refused to let his anxious rambling sew any seeds of doubt in his mind. “It’s absolutely perfect – I can’t wait to taste it all!”

Alistair beamed at you then, a rare sight, but a welcome one.

“I just have one question though,” you said, and he looked at you quizzically, waiting for your inquiry. “Can I give you a hug?”

Confusion turned to elation on his face, and he spread his arms in assent and anticipation. You threw yourself on him, wrapping your arms around his neck as you wiped away a few escaped tears. His arms closed around your back hesitantly, like he wasn’t quite sure what to do with them, but his uncertainty seemed to fade as you melted into his grasp, and he wrapped you even more tightly in his embrace. 

Both of you were smiling when you finally pulled away. You settled into your desk chair and motioned to Alistair to pull up another. He sat just close enough that your knees could touch as you surveyed the feast before you. 

“What do you think I should start with?” you asked him.

“Maybe the pancakes? I’m rather proud of those.”

[obrother1976]

can u make like. ur top 10 books. freak books. anything. kisses your brain

sure!! these r not gonna be ranked bc god knows i could never choose between them & also im gonna be annoying and ramble a bit about every one

death in venice by thomas mann (classic. but its so rich w metaphors and symbolism. if you do read it, i'd recommend reading "the uses of myth in death in venice" by isadore traschen afterwards, bc it does a great job explaining all the freudian allegories and mythological symbolism and u'll literally be tearing ur hair out afterwards over how brilliant thomas mann was)

the carnivorous lamb by agustín gómez-arcos (idc that i've already talked about this a gajillion times on here. its literally the best book i've ever read. i'll forever be obsessed and i wish there was literally anything that could ever hit as hard as this did. if u read it, anon (if u havent already) dont go through the carnivorous lamb tag on here bc u need to experience this without any big prior knowledge. trust me)

erotism: death and sensuality by george bataille (ik im just listing the classics atp. but how could i ever leave that one out. this ones a lot and depending on how into bataille & philosophy in general u are it could be too much. but if u havent already read this one anon, just read the introduction. trust me ure gonna loose it from that alone)

gemini by michel tournier (this one... took me ages to get through it on my first read bc of the way its written, but it was so worth it. not even gonna say much about this one - its basically like if twins by bari wood was good lmao)

incest: from a "journal of love": the unexpurgated diary of anais nin, 1932-1934 (or every anais nin diary ever in general, but this one especially. there was just no one that got it quite like she did)

indecent theology: theological perversions in sex, gender and politics by marcella althaus-reid (sorry for literally recommending theory. im pretty sure u were asking for fiction lol, but this (& althaus-reid in general) is everything to me. if u've any interest whatsoever in theology u should check this one out)

the sluts by dennis cooper (slightly controversial opinion i think? not that the book itself is controversial, just that dennis cooper is very hit and miss at times. this book tho, definite hit. its so intense and convoluted and i loved every second of it. read this before death and sensuality and u're guaranteed to think of nothing else for at least a month)

querelle of brest by jean genet ("those knock-out body fluids: blood, sperm, tears!". kind of a classic since theres also the fassbinder movie but i prefer the book tbh. its been a while since i've read it but it'll forever be in my favourites)

crash by j.g. ballard (yeah ik we've all seen crash but i need more ppl to read the book. hold on actually i need to insert one of my favourite bits from it here:

Reaching through the fractured windshields and passenger windows around me, I marked my semen on the oily instrument panels and binnacles, touching these wound areas at their most deformed points.)

ada, or ardor: a family chronicle by vladimir nabokov (one of the most beautiful books i've ever read. probably not the most helpful recommendation bc im pretty sure its a classic but i cant not mention it.)

also some bonus recommendations of books that didnt make the list bc they're either not freak books or bc i havent read them yet:

christopher and his kind by christopher isherwood (not a freak book. not even remotely. but will forever have a special place in my heart.)

the sparrow by maria doria russell (read this one anon!!! this would be on the list, but im not fully finished w it yet so i cant officially put it in my top 10 yet)

exquisite corpse by poppy z. brite (havent read that one yet but its on my list!!)

autobiography of red by anne carson (not a freak book. beautifully written, a work of art really)

as meat loves salt by maria mccann (havent read that one yet. hoping its as good as everyone says)

skagboys by irvine welsh (one thing about me is that i'll always find a way to mention the trainspotting books)

[skylerfurmaniac]

Rules and Description :P

(Please DNI if you're lgbtphobic, pr0ship, hate furries, the normal stuff. Also if you are an nsfw blog, cus I'm a minor ^^)

Hi! I'm Skyler!! Or Sky/Skittle for short. And welcome to my blog! This blog is where I reign and spread my chaos and love to people lol. I’m just a chaotic little rainbow furbean >:3 My pronouns are they/them, and I’m most likely aroace! (still questioning at the moment lol) I DON'T DO ONLINE DATING THO, I'M A MINOR, PLEASE REMEMBER THAT!!! I love to make new friends, so feel free to DM me at any point of time! I won't bite X3 <3 Also you can tag me in picrew chains, I don't mind :]

(made by @drowninnoodles :DDDD)

I LOVE IF YOU MAKE ART OF ME OR MY OC’S YOU HAVE FULL PERMISSION TO DO IT, NO NEED TO ASK I LOVE ANY ART THAT IS FOR ME <3

spamton is my male wife I love him for life lmao jwhebeneben

fandoms I'm in and my fav characters :3 (highlighted ones are the ones I'm hyper fixating on at the moment)

Deltarune: Spamton

Undertale yellow: North Star/Starlo

KinitoPet: Kinito

Undertale: Mettaton

ENA: Ena

Tadc: Caine

Fnaf: Sun & moon

(If you want to you could draw my self ships for the ones I'm hyper fixated on I mean only if you want I'm not forcing you lmao jjegwva)

okay now for my tags! :

#skyler's art: my art!

#sky’s chaotic reblogs: my reblogs from other people lol

#sky’s random rambles: just random stuff I say

#not my art: reblogs I make that aren’t my art

#skyler!!: art that other people made for me :3

#skyler’s gremlin mode activated: IM REALLY HAPPY AND EXCITED OR HYPERACTIVE OF THIS POST AND I REALLY LOVE XDD

#skyler's ref: refs lol

#skyler's oc's: my of and sonas!! If you want a specific of or sona just do #oc:(their name) or #sona:(their name)

Lastly I have a discord server for undertale and deltarune, If you wanna join, here's the link!

also a ref of myself ^^ (I'M GONNA UPDATE IT SOON IT'S TERRIBLE)

[alieinthemorning]

Melancholia [Avatar of Wrath | Satan]

Content: Hurt/Comfort, Self-Indulgent

Pronouns: None

Reblogs: Let me know that you enjoy my work and want to see more, so don't forget to like and reblog (and comment in the tags. I love seeing people’s rambles in the tags)!

This work's concepts, plot and original characters are my own which means I do not allow any sort of creative theft nor do I allow my work to be entered into any sort of A.I. bots. Thank you for respecting my space and boundaries.

Despite what everyone thought

you got angry

really angry.

So angry that you ended up snapping at the brothers, stormed into your room and just started wrecking it.

Throwing things here and there.

Even to the point of throwing your D.D.D at your open door

that Satan was standing in.

“Woah there.” He said, catching the device with ease. “You might hurt someone.”

You glared at him. “Just because you feed off anger doesn’t give you the right to instigate mine.”

He sighed. “I’m not here to make things worse. I’m here to help.” He paused, holding out a hand. “If you’ll allow me.”

You stared at the open invitation for a moment before turning away as you crossed your arms. “Whatever.”

You could already feel the anger fizzling out.

Leaving you as a smoking fume of exhaust.

You barely registered Satan closing and locking your door, securing it with a binding spell. You counted the few footsteps it took for his long strides to meet you on the other side of the room. Then he was placing his hands on your shoulders, guiding you to your bed.

“No…room’s a…mess…” Ah. Talking had already become too much.

“We can deal with that after you’ve rested.” He gently maneuvered you, curled up against him with your head resting on his shoulder while he sat up against your many pillows, a book in one hand and the other tracing small patterns along your back.  

And then, he was reading to you.

Reminding you of a long forgotten warmth.

You soon succumbed to your fatigue

from your wrath

and from your melancholia.

You floated in and out of consciousness for a bit.

Hearing bits and pieces of Satan’s conversations with his brothers.

Assuring them that you were in good hands and to not disturb you.

Then he muttered a few incantations, ones to restore your room from before your outburst.

And then,

the soft lulls of his breathing.

Which pulled you back to sleep.

A beautifully dreamless sleep.  

Until you could sleep no more.

And you had to face your emotions.

“So…do you know what caused this?”

…

You either say it or you don’t.

Keep it buried in the deepest depths of your heart for the rest of your feeble life.

You bit your lip, tears already threatening to overflow. “...I think it was misplaced. I think the real reason was…is…the death of my father. The anniversary is coming up really soon.”

You knew that out of all the brothers’

Satan would have the least amount of understanding in this.

Hell, his father was his brother

or something.

And the brothers' creator…

Well they were still alive weren’t they?

The closest thing they had was Lilith, but Satan only had the remnants of Lucifer’s emotions to feed into his own regarding her, so—  

“I don’t understand.” He began, “The feeling of losing someone important. I’ve never had it happen to me. However, I can still sympathize. I felt your wrath, that emotion, no matter how misguided, was deeply rooted in pain and hurt.”

“It’s just—” Tears fell, you were quick to wipe them away. “I’m sorry. I—”

He grabbed your wrist, pulling them away from your face, allowing the tears to fall freely.

“It’s okay to cry. You don’t need to hold back— You don’t have to be afraid to feel anymore.

"I’m here.”

I forgot how personal this one was lol

Context if you didn't read the original: I wrote this on the anniversary of my daddy's death: April 19th. It's been 14 years.

Ko-Fi | Commission | Masterlist

[distort-opia]

Fascinated by your tags about the superficial similarities between Bruce & Joker (sweet tooths, jazz lovers, etc. I think they both like black and white films too, iirc) Could you elaborate, please? It's really interesting to me how two opposites can still end up enjoying so many of the same things.

Thank you! I don't know how much more I can elaborate on that, but it's fascinating to me as well-- these more personal similarities between characters like Batman and Joker. They're so larger-than-life, since they're cultural icons and basically modern myths at this point, to us readers. But even within their own Universe, they're such feared and powerful figures, perceived almost as forces of nature and symbols of order and chaos, forever locked in a war. But the thing is, at the end of the day, they are people. Human beings. And it's very interesting to see them share likes and dislikes, or relate to the other in these simple ways that signify connection.

At least in my view, Bruce and Joker are very... autistic4ADHD :)) They share traits belonging to these spectrums, especially how obsessive they can both be about certain things. They're both the type to feel the need to write, draw, sketch what's on their mind. Bruce's penchant for keeping journals is well-known, and Joker has been shown to write down his plans and his thoughts many times as well. It's something Bruce even knows about him and uses (more than once he's uncovered Joker's plans because he was like "guys wait there's gotta be some paper around here where Joker scribbled"). They both like solving puzzles, keep their minds occupied... it always amused me how in The Long Halloween, Joker's motivation is basically curiosity and needing to find out Holiday's identity just like Bruce, except his methods of uncovering it are a lot more murderous. Also, depending on the bits of canon you prefer to believe, both of them generally abstain from drinking alcohol.

But the thing is, what would make it work is that they have many more differences than similarities, but in a complementary way. Joker's a freaking chatterbox and Bruce prefers not to speak that much, and would be content with just listening and cutting in when he needs to. Bruce has a habit of repressing his emotions and denying them, Joker is a hedonist and always put his own wants first; he'd be goading Bruce and badgering him with questions until he admitted to things he was burying (much like he already does in canon, except... less mean, lol). Bruce has a control streak the size of a planet, and Joker has one too, but in a very different way-- so, when Bruce would inevitably try to manipulate him or get him to listen to him, Joker would fight back in a way Bruce wouldn't be able to overlook. That might mean Joker destroying and/or threatening to maim people, but efficiency is what's at play here. And so on... even Joker's tendency to cycle through interests and be obsessed with one thing today, something else tomorrow, would work out well; because Bruce likes to give people things. He's not good with words or physical affection, but God knows he's got a lot of money and willingness to spend it.

Hah, I said I don't have that much to elaborate on, but this still ended up quite long. Hope you enjoyed reading through my rambles!

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

Happy Storyteller Saturday!

When you finish a first draft, how does it look? Is it readable or does it have more holes than a swiss cheese? What are your next steps, and how much changes?

Hey Elli! Happy STS!

First of all - I believe every idea is at least somewhat salvageable. I hope to one day get to the point where I somehow managed to adapt the short stories I "wrote" when I was in kindergarten.

Okay my first drafts are...weird. They differ greatly from most people. Let's talk about a few examples so I can explain.

The Secret Portal

Started as a school project in fourth grade (age 10). It is readable but it's so silly. Mainly because I was ten. I've somehow managed to string it together into what it is now but the first act is the only recognizable thing.

The second version of TSP I wrote over a year later. My first step was to make it longer and have chapters. That was about it.

The third version was about a year after that. I decided I didn't like my story ideas to be stretched out across a whole book, so I combined the first two books into one. I alternated the POV and worked more on the details. My descriptions and characterization was better, though I was constrained by the limitations of following the older drafts.

The fourth version was a year and a half after that. We're nearing the end of eighth grade - I'm 14. I'd done a lot of other writing but I decided to go back to TSP. This time, I had full scenes and character introductions and even a halfway decent (emphasis) prologue. Pacing was getting better, and the story beats made more sense. I alternated POV, but realized the need for it being very deliberate whose perspective I was in.

One hole I figured out was how to differentiate my heroes and villains. Jedi and Carmen originated as villain roles but when I thought about it making them good, or honestly extremely morally gray, made a lot more sense. I soon developed a plot, a world, character arcs...

While I refer to all of it as Draft Four, I kept up with this version for so long there are technically multiple drafts of TSP in this section. I didn't start the document over until 2021.

How did I go on from here? Well, I focused on refining story beats. Characters and their voices. General pacing and descriptions. World building.

So definitely not a traditional process lol.

More detailed behind the scenes is linked in my intro post

School of the Legends

I basically hit the reset button every time. I had the idea of "fairy tale retelling" for years.

For SOTL, I did write a dual first person POV short story with Úrsula and Beau and discover third person worked better. But as SOTL it technically only has five chapters drafted. I'd say that just tossing out everything worked here.

Other

Most of the others I wrote as a kid and as I grew older I modified it to my current maturity level, taking the same plot points and fleshing them out. When I was 13+ I started outlining and planning more details and characters. More plot twists and arcs.

Sooo I don't really have the typical first draft experience. Essentially what I do is this:

Nothing is unsalvageable.

Figure out what is salvageable.

Write down ideas I have during reading old drafts.

Identify the holes.

Figure out how to fill the holes/brainstorm

Figure out everything you still don't know

???

Profit

Hope this was a satisfactory answer lol

TSP intro

TSP tag list (ask to be +/-): @thepeculiarbird @illarian-rambling @televisionjester @fairy-tales-of-yesterday