#i said yes to a spontaneous event today without thinking guys. i felt like i could actually take doing work and it wouldnt be hell on earth

[vitamin-zeeth]

Crazy that this haircut has increased my confidence by about a million it's almost like having fun with your appearance and doing what you want with it makes you like yourself more. Idk maybe that's just confirmation bias

[reidandweep]

Something Bigger Than Us

Spencer Reid x Reader (female)

A/N- Hi guys, I am back after an eventful few months. Had to deal with some personal stuff, but I am back now and writing more! So, to celebrate, heres some fluff with our favourite genius!!

Word Count- 4026 words

Warnings- Fluff, mention of bodily liquids in the case, mentions of murder.

The beauty of love is that, you can fall into it with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - Ritu Ghatourey.

Sitting in the subway cart, Spencer indulged in the book in his hands. It had been a gift from Penelope as she had always told him he had to read more fictional works. So, there Spencer was, on his day off, travelling to the science museum and reading ‘The Maze Runner’. He was taking more time than he needed; slowing down his reading speed to prolong the story to fit his entire journey. He was so engrossed that he nearly didn’t notice the subway cart come to a stop and the doors open, a woman walking inside. What made Spencer glance up from the novel in his hands was the slight change of weight near his feet. Looking away from his novel, he didn’t expect to see said woman sitting on the subway cart floor. Spencer glanced around to see multiple seats available, yet there this person was. Sat on the ground.

“Did you want to sit here?”

Spencer had found many women pretty in his life. He had found a few to be gorgeous. But this woman, she was breath taking. As she lifted her gaze to stare into his, Spencer felt a warmth he never felt. A moment. A spark.

The woman smiled up at Spencer.

“No, it’s okay. I quite like sitting on the floor. I can feel the wheels moving more.”

Spencer looked at the woman puzzled.

She couldn’t help but let her smile grow.

“Sit down and feel.”

Spencer’s brain went blank at the woman’s request. He knew how much bacteria there was on the floor and could not imagine doing such a thing as sitting on it.

“On average, more than 9 million people ride the subway every day. That’s 18 million feet on that floor. They could have stepped in anything. The number of bacteria is unimaginable.”

The woman shrugged.

“So, that’s 18 million feet and my butt. At least I can say I enjoyed my subway ride more because I felt the wheels on the tracks.”

The warmth in Spencer’s chest spread the more he looked at her. Before he even realised, Spencer found himself sliding from his seat and onto the subway floor next to her. She was right. You could feel the wheels thumping against the tracks.

“It’s like a heartbeat.”

The woman looked at the floor of the carriage with a smile.

“People ride the subway every day and never think about how amazing it is that this thing was created. That we can hop on something that could take us wherever we desired to in our city. They treat it like it's nothing. But it moves like we do, and it stops like we do.”

The woman looked up at Spencer.

“It has a heartbeat. Just like you and I.”

In his whole life, Spencer had never heard someone describe anything in such a way that made it feel human; that made him feel so human.

“So, where are we going?”

“We?”

The woman smiled and stood from the ground, holding her hand out for Spencer to take. He did so without a thought. It was like being around her made him forget everything.

“Yes, we? I had no plans but then I met you and it seems you had plans so now I do to. So, where are we going mister…?”

Spencer straightened his satchel, his hands gripping the straps. The warmth that had spread from his chest now burnt in the hand he had held hers with for those few seconds.

“My names Spencer. Spencer Reid. I’m actually a doctor but not a medical one. I have three PHD’s and three bachelor’s Degrees, but none of them are remotely medical. I could go into that field if I wanted to but…”

Spencer stopped himself as he realised, he was rambling.

The woman leaned against the pole to her side and looked at Spencer in earnest.

“You were saying you could go into the medical field if you wanted to but…”

She was actually listening to his rambling and she even seemed to be interested.

Spencer’s hands gripped his satchel tighter.

“But I have enough to focus on with work already.”

The woman nodded her head in understanding.

“Well, Dr Spencer Reid, my name is Y/F/N. Y/F/N Y/L/N. My title is just regular old miss. Unfortunately, I have no PHDs, but I do have a bachelor’s degree in Film Studies which I’m presuming is nowhere near exciting as what you have yours in. I could never have gone into the medical field because I hated biology and preferred chemistry at school as I liked drawing the chemical equations more than learning about photosynthesis. The only part I liked about biology was learning about thalidomide, which is really grim, but it was fascinating.”

Whilst she spoke, Spencer couldn’t help but notice the movement of her hands. Her nails on her right hand were painted a different colour to the ones on her left. Just like how he wore different socks on each foot. He liked that they unknowingly matched.

“Now we are no longer strangers, I think you need to tell me where we are going?”

Spencer looked towards the doors and noticed that they were actually soon to arrive to his stop.

“I was going to visit the museum. The next stop is my one.”

Y/N looked at the door and nodded.

“Cool. So, can I join?”

Even though she had already said she was joining him twice, Spencer did not think she actually meant it. He stuttered through his words as his thoughts blazed around his head.

Y/N could see his mind going into overdrive.

“Hey.”

Spencer looked down at the shorter woman in front of him. He wondered why she seemed so worried.

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I tend to come off as quite strong but something about you tells me I need to know more. I want to know more. Spend more time with you. I’d love to see the things Dr Spencer Reid, who has three PHDs and was reading one of my favourite books when I hopped on the train, had planned to see today. I will only join you if it is something you want.”

Spencer felt the subway cart come to a stop and saw the doors in his peripheral open.

He was tired of living life through the view of work before anything else. The few moments of happiness he had was taken away by not allowing himself to be spontaneous. To be with them in person. So, for the second time that day, Spencer grabbed a hold of Y/N’s hand, ignoring the facts and statistics of germs and bacteria running through his mind.

Pulling her towards the doors, the pair stepped off the subway cart and onto the platform.

People walked around the pair as they stood facing each other, staring at one another with their hands entwined.

Spencer swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I would like if you would join me to the museum. I would like to spend more time with you too.”

Y/N smiled at Spencer’s words. With the hand still not in his grasp, Y/N lifted her arm towards the subway exist.

“Well, lead the way Dr Spencer Reid.”

Spencer did just that.

In silence the pair walked the short distance from the subway station to the museum. Their hands interlocked at their sides as Y/N looked around at the buildings by them. Spencer couldn’t help but glance towards the woman. He couldn’t understand why he felt so different with her. The warmth in his chest was still there, and it felt as though it was growing and spreading with every breath he took. His hand in her own was something he wished to never lose. It was like being enveloped in the softest blanket known to man. This stranger who sat by his feet on the subway has made him feel more comfortable and step out of his comfort zone more than any of his friends or family ever have. But why?

Coming to the doors of the museum, Spencer opened the door for Y/N to enter before him; letting go of her hand to do so. He felt empty without her hand in his. He couldn’t believe how empty his palm now felt.

“I’ve never been to this museum before.”

Y/N couldn’t help but laugh at the shocked look on Spencer’s face. As though what she said was the most shocking thing he had ever heard.

Before she could even make a joke about his expression, Spencer suddenly turned down a corridor.

“Woah! Slow down Doc!”

Spencer slowed down his pace.

“I’m sorry. It’s just this is my favourite place and I want to show you everything it has to offer.”

Y/N smiled at Spencer’s bashful behaviour. She couldn’t help her own cheeks blushing at the thought that this kind man wanted to show her around his favourite place. To think she had only met him a mere hour before.

Giving Spencer’s a comforting smile, Y/N bumped her shoulder with his own.

“I have a feeling that I am going to learn a lot with you as my tour guide.”

Spencer led the way as they walked through the corridors, reciting information about each exhibit they come across, stuttering when he felt Y/N’s hands brush his own as they walked side by side.

Just as Spencer was about the point Y/N to the next exhibit, he felt her hands slowly clasp around his own. Her smooth fingers fitting perfectly into the gaps between his rough appendages.

“Is this okay?”

Spencer smiled in delight, squeezing her hand in reassurance as he pulled Y/N in the direction they had been heading.

Walking hand in hand down the hall, Spencer silently led Y/N to one of his favourite parts of the museum. As they entered the room, Y/N’s eyes could not miss the large rock exhibited in the middle of the room, people sporadically standing around the object.

“What is that?”

Spencer’s chest became warm at the look of wonder on Y/N’s face as they walked closer to the exhibit.

“That is the Willamette Meteorite. It was found in Oregon and is the largest ever meteorite found in the United States and the sixth largest in the world. The smooth surface melted during its blazing entry into the atmosphere, while the pits formed on the Earth's surface. Iron meteorites form when large enough asteroids have had molten interiors catastrophically collide with other asteroids. These huge collisions blast out material from the molten iron core of the asteroid on orbits that reach Earth after millions of years.”

Y/N continued her wonderous gaze as they let go of Spencer’s hand, walking around the meteorite, taking in every crevice and crater. Spencer could usually spend hours staring at the meteor, but right now he could not tear his haze away from Y/N as she took her time looking at the artefact.

Turning to look at Spencer, Y/N wanted to find out more.

“How was it made? Like is it a piece of something much bigger?”

Spencer looked at the meteorite that stood much taller than all of them.

“The internal structure, made of metallic iron, suggests that billions of years ago, an early planet orbiting the Sun was shattered, perhaps in a collision with another protoplanet. The fragment was probably part of the planet’s iron-nickel core. While planets, including Earth gradually formed and matured, this fragment orbited the Sun. It was hit at least twice by other planetary fragments, knocking it into a collision course with Earth. Over many centuries, rainwater interacting with its iron sulphide deposits produced sulfuric acid, which slowly etched and carved large cavities.”

Spencer waited for a response, but as the seconds passed in silence. Had he freaked her out? Had he gone too far? Spencer moved his gaze from the meteor to Y/N, to see her staring at the meteorite in awe.

“Woah.”

Spencer laughed at her exclamation. His head dipping down to try and cover his reddening cheeks.

“Woah indeed.”

Y/N couldn’t help the blush now invading her cheeks. Walking back towards Spencer, Y/N nudged the genius’s shoulder with her own, gaining his attention. Spencer turned his head to look back at Y/N.

“It’s crazy how we get to look at something that was once part of something much bigger. Something that could have housed life and all sorts of wonderous things and yet, here sits part of its core, on our planet, in one of our museums. Now a part of something much bigger again.”

Spencer and Y/N looked at each other in silence. Taking in the moment and her words. Both of them acknowledging that they too were part of something much bigger, much more meaningful than they had every thought about.

A clicking sound broke the moment.

Turning around, Spencer and Y/N both saw an older gentleman pointing a polaroid camera towards the pair.

Realising that the pair had turned around the gentleman walked up towards them and handed over the picture.

“It still has to develop.”

Y/N looked down at the picture in Spencer’s hand as it slowly developed.

“Can you take another one? Just so we can have one each.”

The man nodded at Y/N question, stepping back to where he stood before.

Y/N moved her hand to clasp Spencer’s once more, tilting her head to lay on his shoulder, a smile blossomed on her face as she looked towards the camera.

Spencer’s own gaze was fixed on her. His eyes taking in the slope of her nose and the feel of her hair tickling his neck. Usually, if he was ever this close to anyone, let alone a woman, he would start to sweat and panic. And yet, all Spencer could feel was what he could only describe as serene. Spencer had never felt serene until now.

Being shaken out of his stare by the click of the man’s camera once more, Spencer looked to see the man handing Y/N the picture as she rummaged through her bag.

“No need to pay me.”

Y/N shook her head.

“I insist.”

The man moved forward, placing his hand on Y/N’s shoulder.

“I gave you the picture because sometimes it is nice to look back where it all began.”

The old man looked Spencer in the eye and gave him a wink, causing Spencer to blush.

“Both of you, enjoy your day, and may I suggest if you get hungry, try Giovani’s Café down the street.”

Spencer cocked his head.

“Is it good?”

The man laughed as he walked backwards, nodded his head.

“I should know, I am Giovanni after all!”

Laughter rumbled from the pair as they watched the older gentlemen walk out the door, his polaroid camera in hand. As their laughter died, Y/N looked down at the now developed picture in her hand. Spencer in turn looked at his own.

The picture was beautiful. With the light from outside cascading through the windows, creating almost a halo of light around the pair, the meteorite had never looked bigger than when Spencer saw the back of his and Y/N’s figures standing in front of it. But what Spencer couldn’t take his eyes away from was the fact that in the picture, Y/N was not looking at the meteorite. She was looking at him. If he looked hard enough, he could see a smile on her face. So soft and so beautiful.

The comforting silence of the pair looking at their polaroids was suddenly shattered when Spencer’s ringtone filled the air. Spencer couldn’t help but let his shoulders drop in disappointment.

“I’m so sorry, I just have to take this.”

Y/N smiled in acknowledgment,

“Go ahead, I’m just going to take a look over here.”

Spencer nodded as he watched her walk across the hall, examining the pictures and their information plaques as he answered his phone.

“Hello.”

“We got a case Pretty Boy. Wheels up in 50 minutes.”

Spencer rubbed his head at Morgan’s voice.

“Okay.”

Morgan could hear the disappointment in Spencer’s tone.

“Are we interrupting something?”

Spencer kept his eyes on Y/N as he took a second to answer.

“Yeah. But I’ll be there in 30 minutes.”

Morgan chuckled.

“Okay, Genius, see you later.”

Spencer hung up his phone. Walking towards where Y/N still stood, he tapped the woman on her shoulder.

As she turned, Y/N took in Spencer’s solemn look.

“Is everything okay?”

Spencer shook his head.

“Work called. I have to leave. I’m sorry.”

Y/N smiled in understanding.

“Work is work, whatever it may be. No need to be sorry. I had an amazing day that I didn’t think I would have.”

Spencer stared Y/N in her eyes, a little smile adorning his face.

“I did too. I have to go. But can we meet again?”

Y/N nodded her head, her own smile lighting her face.

“Yeah. I would like that.

Spencer grinned as he began to turn around, walking towards the corridors exit, waving as he left. He began to walk down the stairs when he suddenly heard his name.

“Spencer, wait!”

Spencer turned around to see Y/N running down the stairs towards him, polaroid in hand.

Stopping in front of him, as Y/N stood on the steps above Spencer, she was nearly as tall as the boy wonder.

“You dropped this.”

“Thank you.”

As Spencer went to reach for the picture, Y/N pulled it out of his reach.

He watched with bated breath as she carefully put the picture in the breast pocket of his jacket, tapping his jacket where the picture now safely sat.

“Now go before your boss gets angry at you for being late.”

Laughing at her truthful words, Spencer once again waved towards the girl, rushing down the steps as he looked at his watch, realising that he was going to be late. But even with that knowledge, as he opened the exit door of the museum, Spencer turned to wave goodbye to Y/N once more. Watching as she waved back, before he allowed the door to close behind him.

Spencer walked to the jet as briskly as he could, breathing heavily from the sprint through the airport, just about getting through easily with his badge.

Trotting up the steps, Spencer leaped into the jet, quickly taking the seat next to Emily, his breath heavy as he took in deep breaths.

The team ceased their conversation, all looking at Spencer in confusion and worry.

“Sorry I’m late, what’s the case?”

Spencer ignored the strange looks and elongated silence.

Hotch quickly broke it.

“We’re heading to Akron, Ohio. We got two murdered couples with the men both being found with used condoms on and Viagra in their systems. In both cases, the husbands were killed with a silenced 9-millimeter, the wife was stabbed multiple times. We’re meeting up with the Akron P.D when we get there. Everything you need is in the file.”

Spencer nodded his head as he grabbed the file from Hotch, opening the papers as the plane took off.

Briskly looking through the file, Spencer began to detail notes in his notebook about possible suspects and details the others may have missed. But as he scribbled, Spencer could feel the stares of Emily, Morgan, and JJ as they all sat by him. Fed up, Spencer lifted his head, flittering his gaze between them all.

“Can I help?”

“Why was you late?”

Spencer looked at Morgan.

“I was at the museum.”

“That’s the truth but why was you late?”

Spencer turned his eyes to Emily, confusion littering his features.

“I was at the museum, I had to get on the subway and get here.”

JJ tilted her head as Spencer looked between the trio.

The weight of their gazes quickly caused him to break.

“I was late because I was at the museum with someone.”

At his statement, everyone on the jet turned towards Spencer. Even Hotch had Spencer’s undivided attention.

Emily twisted to face the genius, a smirk on her face as she crossed her arms.

“Go on Romeo, tell us all about them.”

Spencer knew he could not get out of this. So, he began to begrudgingly tell his team about his day and the person he spent it with.

“Then after the gentleman took our picture, I got the call. I said goodbye and rushed over here.”

The team all looked at Spencer with mixtures of pride and happiness.

“Did you get her number?”

The looks soon turned to disbelief as Spencer bowed his head in shock.

“You had an amazing day with a woman you don’t know, which is something unlike you, and you failed to get her number? Pretty boy, I am very disappointed. I’ve taught you better than that.”

Shaking his head at Morgan’s playful words, Spencer couldn’t help his own disappointment take over. He can’t believe he didn’t ask her for her number. Rossi walked over and patted the man on his shoulder in reassurance.

“At least you got a picture to remember her.”

Spencer slowly nodded, solemnly reaching into his breast pocket to pull the picture out. But, as Spencer looked at the picture, he realised that she had handed him the second picture they had taken.

Spencer looked at the polaroid and couldn’t believe how comfortable he looked with her. Their hands interlaced as Y/N smiled brightly towards the camera. Spencer’s smile was directed towards the woman next time him, warm and content. He had never looked so at peace before. Yet, he still forgot to ask for her number.

As Spencer was about the place the picture back in his pocket, he paused his movement as Hotch spoke up.

“If I was you, I would check the back of that picture Reid.”

Looking at the people in front of him, he could see that they were all now smiling, looking at him expectedly, waiting for the man to look at the back of the picture. Flipping the picture over, Spencer couldn’t help the smile that blossomed over his face. His eyes crinkling from how large it was. On the back of the picture, a message was written.

“Meeting you made me feel part of something much bigger. Something I would love to explore. Give me a call if you want to as well.”

Underneath the message lay Y/N’s phone number.

Spencer lifted his head and looked around at his team. Pointing his thumb over his shoulder, he began to stand.

“I’m just going to…”

Emily pushed him up as the rest of the team laughed.

“Hurry up and call her Spence, no point in waiting!”

Spencer nodded his head in a flurry as JJ shooed him to the back of the jet.

Walking passed the team, Rossi and Derek patted him on the back, as Hotch nodded his head. They were all happy for him.

Walking into the jet’s toilet, Spencer locked the door and pulled out his phone. Flipping the picture in his opposing hand, he quickly dialled the number, clicking the call button before he could change his mind.

Just as he contemplated hanging up, the ringing stopped, and he heard an answer.

“Hello?”

“I want to be a part of something bigger. I want to explore it too.”

“Really?”

Spencer could feel the smile radiating from Y/N over the phone. A breathy laugh leaving his mouth as he realised, he was nodding his head instead of talking.

“Really.”

Spencer was not the type of person to sit in the bathroom on a plane talking to someone on the phone that he only met that morning. Even more so, having met that someone because they sat on the floor of the subway instead of the seats. Yet, here he was, in the bathroom talking to Y/N and getting to know her more. Spencer felt like the Willamette Meteorite. He had been broken and steered down different courses over the years, feeling like he would never be part of anything bigger than the family that was his team. But now, he felt like he was finally going to be a part of something bigger. Something extraordinary.

Never expected to meet you. When I met you I never expected you to become my everything and more than I could have ever dreamed of. - Maria Ana Bulquerin.

A/N- Thank you for the support. If you wish to in anyway, Please donate to the link below.

[mistaeq]

the stardust crusaders' hogwarts adventure: HCs

tw // none

dora's note: is this dora posting? what the hell? yes it is, i'm finally working. hopefully. i promise i'm doing by best yes ^^ i felt like doing this today, so... finally got to finish a draft that has been there for quite a while.

DISCLAIMER !! y/n is NOT a student in joseph's HCs, they're a GROWN ADULT with a JOB. !!

taglist: @fragolaaaaaaa @outofthiszawarudo @sky1mercy @cheemerthebebopfreak @berryvalentine @yandere-lovebites @catboy-kira @komaeda-kinnie [if you wanna be removed or added, all it requires is a dm or an ask !!]

kujo jotaro

♥︎ when he first sat down under the sorting hat, he didn't know what to expect and did not care in which house he would have ended up. everyone in his family, though, always had been one of two precise houses: slytherin or hufflepuff. so, very deep down, he hoped in one of them. but a different one would have been cool with him too, he would have been the first in his family with a different house sorting. he waited for a time that seemed neverending, but earlier than expected, the sorting hat said: "slytherin."

♥︎ the two of you met for the first time during a quidditch tournament. jotaro was a seeker, one of the most precise ones hogwarts had ever had. you caused him an accident, running over him with your broom, causing the two of you to fall to the ground. needless to say, he held a grudge on you for several days, until you had to get along to train for quidditch again.

♥︎ you wouldn't expect it from a wizard like him, but his favourite subjects are care of magical creatures, to study them, protect them, and get on an empathetic level with them, and muggle studies, to get to know more about muggles, in honor of his father, kujo sadao, who's not a wizard.

♥︎ it didn't take long for jotaro to manage to manifest his patronus. he had tried to practice that spell, since before the arrival of the dementors at the school. the two of you used to practice together after quidditch trainings, making you the first person - apart from him, of course - to witness the awaking of his patronus: a beautiful dolphin, a symbol of intelligence and protection.

♥︎ you will probably have to be the one to ask him first out on a date. he's not the best one when it comes to grades, and he spends quite a lot of time with his friends, trying not to think about it. no, he doesn't really care about having the best marks. you should ask one of his best friends, kakyoin noriaki, about what to do to convince him to go out on a date with you. most likely, he'll say yes because he trusts you enough to feel safe.

♥︎ jotaro does not underestimate your powers and doesn't feel the need to constantly protect you, but he must admit that as soon as the teachers of defense against the dark arts start disappearing every year or try to attack the students themselves, he's a little bit worried about you. he starts showing up outside your classroom at the end of every lesson, to check on you and keep you company until you get to you next lesson's classroom.

kakyoin noriaki

♥︎ when he sat down under the sorting hat, he was really nervous. what if it said that he wasn't even a wizard? what if he ended up in a house that would have disappointed his family? the redhead was shaking like a leaf, even at the point that the sorting hat itself asked him to calm down to allow it to examinate him better. noriaki's terror soon disappeared, as soon as the hat spoke. "okay, okay, my guy. you can calm down. ravenclaw!"

♥︎ the two of you met for the first time in the library of the school. you were looking for a specific book, the one about the fantastic beasts of the wizarding world and where to find them, when a guy who wasn't looking where he was going, hit the ladder you were standing on, making you fall, right... in his arms. ugh, that sounded like a pathetic love story beginning. until you heard a giggle from the corner of the room. the guy that was making fun of that scene was kakyoin.

♥︎ noriaki's favourite subjects are transfiguration, since he always says he has a talent in transforming objects in what he wants, and defence against the dark arts, since he wishes to become a professor one day. why is it related to that? well, since the professors of defence against the dark arts seem to change every year for some reason, his turn will come sooner or later, or not?

♥︎ for kakyoin, it was a little bit more complicated to manifest his patronus. he kept on focusing on the technique and the way he had to move his wand, instead of focusing on his inner power and mind. but after many efforts, it finally showed up: a beautiful fox, symbol of wisdom and guidance. he told you first thing.

♥︎ noriaki will probably be the one to ask you out for a date first. but he would do it through a letter. he's smart enough to write one that will convince you that he's worth it and that he's perfect for you. the redhead can't imagine you already think of him as such. either way, the letter will be very sweer and heartfelt, even if a little bit awkward sometimes. but you'll say yes regardless, he put a lot of effort in it, and has always been respectful towards you.

♥︎ he wouldn't be much worried about you at first, hogwarts is a safe place for the students, after all, right? right? oh, what? in a bathroom the little hermione granger almost got killed by a troll? you know what, nevermind? the guy is gonna be glued to you the whole time, he'll even skip lessons for it, despite how much they mean for him. you're not gonna get attacked by anything, with him by your side.

muhammad avdol

♥︎ everyone envied him when he sat down under the sorting hat, because despite the young age at the time, he looked absolutely calm and collected. he had no anxiety, and his eyes were closed, in complete relaxation, as if him and the sorting hat had some sort of mental communication going on. his smile was endearing, his fingers intertwined in front of his chest. but the hat seemed to take a lot of time sorting him. "your heart said gryffindor, my dear boy. but your soul spoke hufflepuff to me." the hat declared. but then... "hufflepuff!"

♥︎ the two of you met for the first time on the stairs. yes, the ones that like to change. your books had fallen from your arms on the stairs, and since he was passing by, he decided to lend a helping hand. what you didn't notice, was that you were standing right between the stairs and the floor. when the stairs changed, hadn't it been for muhammad's quick reflex of pulling you on his side, you would have probably fallen down several floors.

♥︎ avdol is naturally gifted, when it comes to subjects like astronomy, or his favourite one, divination. he seems to be the only student who doesn't stare at mrs. trelawney as if she were completely crazy. the majority of the ravenclaws, his friend noriaki included, sometimes don't even listen to her. but avdol does, and he's completely in love with the subject.

♥︎ it hadn't been difficult at all for avdol, to manifest his patronus. almost natural, for him. you weren't there to witness it, but you studied and practiced with him for it several times. the last time he tried, a beautiful and graceful phoenix escaped muhammad's wand, symbol of resurrection and life after death, a patronus that the student took as a symbol of hope.

♥︎ none of you two will ask the other out for a date. the love between you and avdol would bloom spontaneously, without the need of dating. you would find yourselves behaving like a couple just naturally. he likes to give you tarot readings and to stargaze with you. the stargazing sessions are the ones that get the two of you closer to each other.

♥︎ avdol would be protective over you since the very beginning. he can sense something's off in the school, and his tarot readings about hogwarts's future keep getting darker and more mysterious everytime. but every single reading hints at an upcoming source of danger, that most likely would be voldemort, he supposes. he has to keep an eye on you. he's scared.

jean pierre polnareff

♥︎ oh boy, this guy was mad nervous when he sat down under the sorting hat. everything but slytherin, everything but slytherin. surely, he knew he wouldn't have ended up in ravenclaw. he wasn't that much of a smart guy, but he did his best. either way, everything would have been cool to him, apart from slytherin. it just didn't sit right to him. but luckily, before jean could ask the sorting hat why was it taking so long, it spoke. "okay, okay, i get it. gryffindor, no doubts!" it said, making the young wizard feel relieved.

♥︎ the two of you met for the first time while he was trying so hard to find his way to the next classroom he had to be in. the school was huge, and polnareff couldn't help but to get confused in the corridors. you offered him your help, but he tried to play it cool, running away and dropping a book. well, you would have brought it to him.

♥︎ polnareff's favourite subjects are charms and flying. they're pretty basic, but he finds them the coolest things about being a wizard. he's a huge fan of quidditch too, but he wouldn't see himself playing. flying lessons give him the same feeling of freedom though, and he loves it so much.

♥︎ it took pretty long for jean pierre to manifest his patronus. he just couldn't focus enough. you've been practising with him, and you manifested it first, so it would have been good to try to help him. until he managed to do it. from his wand, a beautiful horse was freed, a symbol of power, independence, freedom, and nobleness. you could tell jean was satisfied, and grateful to you for helping him in manifesting it.

♥︎ he'll definitely be the one to ask you out first, probably not much time after you helped him to manifest his patronus. that event made him so happy and made him grow so fond of you, that he genuinely wants to improve your relationship, and hopefully, get something more from it. hopefully your heart, hopefully a kiss. but he means it genuinely. he's not trying to exploit you to get your help with assignments. for real.

♥︎ as the years go by, polnareff would start noticing hogwarts isn't the same place that it's always been, or that dumbledore claimed it was. he grows more and more protective of you, every year a worse mess happens, and it's always connected to voldemort. he's not liking it at all. not to mention you're worried, since the gryffindors seem to be pretty involved in it. more than you and jean pierre like to admit. he knows something he's not telling.

joseph joestar

♥︎ in his youth, when he sat down under the sorting hat, he didn't give a shit of what house he would have been sorted in, all he wanted was just start learning magic stuff. joseph was laughing with some handsome boys and pretty girls at the table, and was hoping it wouldn't take long to sort him, his adventure had just started. but the hat actually took really little time to figure out where he was gonna go. "slytherin." it announced, almost immediately.

♥︎ going through the corridors of hogwarts reminds him of many years ago, when you first met. he would never forget the way you told him to go fuck himself, while he was just standing on a chair, reminding everyone that him and his best friend of the time, a young lucius malfoy, were the best kind of wizards because they were purebloods. that was a bunch of bullshit he truly used to believe. luckily, he grew up to understand it wasn't true.

♥︎ now, joseph is a teacher. the last student you would have expected to become one, but he did. a teacher of defense against the dark arts, and he's not planning on leaving anytime soon. he'll keep his eyes open, he heard teachers have been disappearing every year. not to mention a lot of scary stuff is happening at hogwarts. he didn't choose a good time to work.

♥︎ he's always been a quick learner, and he managed to manifest his patronus quicker than many of his classmates. a really cool eagle, a symbol of truth, majesty, strength. despite his attitude, it was clear that joseph was a good wizard, it had to be given to him. and you grew to be into it. to admire it. he secretly liked you, too.

♥︎ joseph took the first step towards you, but he didn't quite ask you out, let's say that to keep his cool, he TOLD you that you and him were gonna date. as if to announce you. you were okay with it, and didn't accept just because you were feeling forced. you accepted because you liked him, and recognized it as a great opportunity to get closer to him. you would have worked on improving the romantic field throughout your relationship.

♥︎ now that he's a teacher, he has to recognize that there's so much going on, that the students do not see. joseph is acknowledged about how dangerous the situation is getting, and more than ever, he reaches out to you, or phones you, no matter the fact that you're working. everyone is talking about voldemort, and he doesn't like the smallest bit of it. he just wants to make sure you're safe.

[star-lemonade]

School reunion (2/3)

A.C.E Junhee x Reader

Cw: kinda angsty?, fluff

Rating: R

Word count: 2.5 k

Summary: You hire someone to accompany you to your school reunion.

He had cut his hair but it was definitely him. Junhee said hi and your colleague greeted him back. You did not know how you should react so you just nodded in his direction.

“This is our newest addition. Fresh from university…”

You were not listening to John anymore because you watched Junhee. He was standing the farthest away from you, several people stood between you and him. He was listening intently and did not look at you. Junhee wore silver earrings that gave him a more soft look.

“... know each other.”

Everyone was suddenly looking at you. John smiled and gestured at you while your colleagues' eyes were on you. Your glance met Junhee who smiled softly.

“..uhm.”

The elevator chime saved you from answering. The door opened and everyone spilled into the lobby.

You sat as far away from John as possible today. What would he think if you said how you had met Junhee? No. It was not a good idea to tell the truth. But what should you say? What had Junhee said about how you knew each other? You stayed quiet and let others speak, trying to not draw attention to yourself.

After lunch you usually got a coffee from the shop next door and went to the roof of the company building to relax for a few minutes in peace. So after you had finished your plate in record time, you stood up and left. You had to sort your thoughts and come up with some story to tell people if the topic of Junhee came up again. If he really stayed with John’s company it was bound to happen.

You got in line at the coffee shop. It was a cozy place where you also liked to go in the morning before work. There was not much sitting space because the shop seemed to have been built in the gap between two buildings. When it was your turn you ordered your usual.

The barista told you the price and as you were about to pull out your card a shadow appeared in your peripheral vision.

“I will pay for that and can I get an iced americano?”

You looked up to see Junhee give the barista his best smile. The woman looked at you for guidance. Her cheeks were a bit flushed.

“Junhee…”

It felt odd to say his name. The day you had spent with him all that time ago felt like a dream. Not a good dream but also not a nightmare. More like a dream that left you confused when you woke up.

“Please, let me buy you a coffee.”

He smiled. It was not the same one he had given the barista. This was more subtle and more familiar somehow. You nodded, still stunned.

“So you got the job with John. Congrats.”

It felt awkward to talk to him again. He reminded you of a bad time without any fault of his own. Junhee had just been at the wrong place at the wrong time.

“Yes, thanks again for the number.”

He sipped his coffee as you walked back to the office building.

“How have you been?”

Well, how had you been? Your steps bounced off the wall of the building. The glass facade like a mirror showed you and him walking.

“I have been okay.”

It was true. After the school reunion you had not felt very good for some time, but the further it was away from you, the better you felt. You had distracted yourself with work and let other things fill your life. It was not like you did not care about what the bullies thought anymore, just that it was not as important as before. What is done is done. You could not take that day back, so you had to live with it. The automatic door opened and you entered the lobby.

It was time to say goodbye to Junhee.

“See you around.”

Over the next few weeks Junhee insisted on buying you your post lunch coffee and people started to notice.

“Maybe he has a crush on you,” one of your colleagues speculated.

You shot them down. That was absurd. Why would he be interested in you? No, it was just gratitude, you said. You had brought him and John together. In fact Junhee and John seemed to be a dream team.

When you went out for dinner with John and some others, he could not stress enough how much he valued Junhee’s work. You found yourself talking to Junhee a lot more as time went by. You talked about your favourite artists and ended up texting each other until late into the night. More than anyone else's, the chat with Junhee was on top in your messaging service when you opened the app. But of course this did not mean anything. He was not interested and neither were you.

It was Friday night and you were hungry. It was past your usual time for dinner, but eating before the company dinner seemed inappropriate. ”Company dinner” was not the right phrase. It was more like a gettogether of colleagues. You had these from time to time. On this day John and his employees would be there too.

The restaurant had a more nostalgic feel to it. There were no chairs, just benches on either side of the worn tables. The ceiling was naked concrete and pipes ran from one to the other.

You sat down in the middle of the bench and greeted the two guys from John’s company. The others trickled in over the next 20 minutes.

“Hi.”

A familiar voice came from behind you. When you looked up, you were greeted by Junhee’s bright smile. He sat down next to you. Your colleague gave him a dirty look, when he squeezed himself between her and you. A warmth speared in your face. He looked gorgeous as always. The pullover he was wearing was just the right mix of casual and business for this event. You would have a hard time not staring at him. Maybe it was good that he sat next to you and not across. Although you had not minded looking at him all evening.

“I’m telling you I can do it!”

Minsu slurred his words a bit and some of his colleagues smiled. It was always amusing to see the innocent hubris of drunk people. He really thought he could beat anyone at arm wrestling.

“So who wants to try against me?”

He flexed his thin arms for show and now some people giggled. No one volunteered so he looked up and down the table. He pointed.

“Hey you, new guy! Will you wrestle me?”

Junhee smiled shyly at him. The pullover he had worn earlier was gone and he only wore a t-shirt now. A thin necklace disappeared under the collar. Only now you noticed how big his arms were.

“Sure.”

Junhee changed seats so he and the guy sat opposite each other. His arms looked even larger now that you had a comparison. They got into position. Elbows on the table and hands locked. One of their colleagues held their hand in the middle and counted down.

“Three, two, one!”

They began. Junhee strained against Minsu’s arm and bared his teeth, but it was no use. Minsu pushed his hand to the table and stood on the bench a moment later to let himself be showered in shouts. Junhee smiled slightly embarrassed.

When someone asked how he could have lost with his big arms, he laughed, “The muscles are just for show. Fashion muscle.”

He sat back down next to you and showed you a shy smile.

“Are you ready? Rock, paper, scissors!”

Rock was a mistake. The others left you standing in front of the restaurant with a very tipsy Minsu. You waved for a taxi and thankfully there was one just down the street that drove towards you. The old man stopped in front of you and rolled down the window. You could have just dumped Minsu in the taxi but you felt bad for him and got in the back seat next to him. Minsu looked like he was about to fall asleep and you were okay with that until you arrived at his apartment complex. You heaved him out of the taxi and dragged him to the door.

“Thanks. Your so nice”

He smiled in the “head empty” sort of way that only drunk people had. You still appreciated his thanks. Minsu was one of the only people who were still nice even while being this drunk. The door frame was his support.

“Sure. No problem.”

He leaned forward and you got a face full of his alcohol breath.

“I will tell you a secret.”

You raised an eyebrow and waited. He gave you a conspiratory look and said: “Newbie, let me win.”

Minsu giggled and started to fumble for his keys. You trusted that he would find the way to his apartment and made your way home.

A heat wave brought sunny blue skies. Maybe for the last time that year. You stood in front of your closet and made a decision. Today you wanted to wear a dress. This was not something that happened often but today felt like wearing one.

You did not like it, when people at work commented on this. Sadly, it happened every time you wore a dress. It felt like they were looking down on your usual clothes, because they were not feminine enough. You tried to ignore the feeling the comments induced and concentrated on your work.

Lunch came and went. You got in line for coffee as always.

“Hi.”

Junhee had appeared next to you. He wore his nerdy glasses and a bright smile. You were not sure, if he needed the glasses or not. Sometimes he wore glasses, but not always, and often they were just frames. He smiled the soft smile that he always had for you. The barista had seen you next in line and asked:

“The usual?”

“Yes!”

You and Junhee answered in unison. You giggled at this spontaneous synchronization. Junhee paid and you waited for your drinks. The barista set two cups down and put lids on.

“The dress suits you.”

She smiled at you and handed Junhee his coffee with a “there you go”.

“And the one for the girlfriend.”

She offered you the second cup while beaming like a neon sign in the darkness.

“Ehm..”

Junhee wrapped an arm around your shoulders and thanked the barista. You were a bit confused as he led you out. It felt kind of nice to be this close to him. The thought of how it had felt to hold his hand popped into your mind. You had not paid much attention to it at the time. Now you wished you could remember it better.

“Why didn’t you correct her?”

His arm loosened but he did not let go. You stared at him as you slowly walked towards the company building. A blush creeped up his cheeks.

“Would you like to go on a date with me?”

Lighting had struck out of a blue sky. You sank down on your chair, still trying to process. Junhee had asked you out. Kind, funny, lovable, gorgeous Junhee. And you had said yes. What had you been thinking? You were going on a date with him.

The water glittered in the evening sun as you walked along the river bank. Junhee had suggested meeting here for dinner. You thought it was a bit unusual, but seeing all the people sitting on benches made you rethink. There were a lot of couples here. Couple. Like me and … You licked you lips and shook your head as if you could simply shake off the thought. This is just a date, don’t get ahead of yourself.

You went to the cafe which Junhee had sent you. It was on the river bank with a bunch of tables outside. You were a bit early but when you came closer you saw Junhee sitting at one of the tables already.

“Hi.”

He dropped his phone and shot up from his chair, eyes wide open in shock. You waved and suppressed a laugh.

“It’s just me.”

Junhee calmed down and soon his smile returned. A waiter came over and both ordered something to drink. The evening sun warmed you and you were glad to have opted for a dress.

“That dress looks good on you.”

You looked up at Junhee whose cheeks had a light blush. He had cut his hair and it made him look even more handsome than before. Around his neck hung a delicate necklace, but the pendant was hidden under his shirt.

“Thanks.”

You felt very shy today, much more than at any point before. Now it actually mattered what Junhee thought about you. The way he smiled made your heart flutter. The waiter came with your drinks and you took a sip. Junhee had gone for a tea.

“No coffee today?”

Usually he ordered coffee so you had to ask. There was nothing else you could talk about right now.

“No. If i drink one now, I will not be able to sleep tonight.”

He took out the tea bag, even though it was probably too early and added: “Unless you want me to have a sleepless night.”

He looked up sheepishly.

“Why..? OH.”

Your face burned. Instead of an answer you sipped your drink.

“Oh! No! I mean, we could go to karaoke or party all night.”

Junhee’s attempt at saving the situation did not go down as he had planned, but you smiled at the prospect of him singing. There was no way he could sing. You did not want to leaving him hanging so you suggested:

“Or we could go to the cinema.”

His nervous laugh was adorable. You felt bold and took his hand to reassure him. Junhee froze and stared at your linked hands on the table. You hoped he would not pull back immediately, because the warm touch of his hand was so comforting. When he had got over his initial shock, his thumb began to rub over the back of your hands. The gesture made you warm from inside out and the fears you had had earlier melted away.

You spend the evening talking and walking around town, hand in hand. When the sun had set, Junhee accompanied you to the subway station.

“I guess this is it. Text me, when you get home.”

Junhee raised his hand as if to touch you but did not. The subway would come soon, you could feel the wind coming from the tunnel.

“I will.”

You were a bit embarrassed and looked at the band on the necklace around Junhee‘s neck as you added: “It was a nice evening.”

“Yes, it was.”

The subway arrived and the doors opened. You and Junhee shared a short hug before you sprinted for the door. As the platform disappeared out of view you regretted not having given Junhee a kiss on the cheek. You should have asked.

[matthiasschoenaertsdaily]

Matthias Schoenaerts full interview for De Morgen Magazine (original in Flemish, translated into English by @matthiasschoenaertsdaily​)

Interview by Els Maes, published on November 28, 2020

Even a global pandemic will not destroy the optimism of actor Matthias Schoenaerts (42). Because he knows from his own experience how much beauty can emerge from the most hopeless situations. "I've had my back against the wall often enough, I'll always find a way out."

A bleak autumn day on a concrete square. There is lukewarm coffee, lukewarm Chimay and rolling tobacco. At dusk we see the silhouettes of fat rats that shoot past our ankles. And yet Matthias Schoenaerts will tell us in a glowing argument that this, here and now, is the very best place to be. That there is so much beauty to discover, he says. Le paradis c'est ici. As long as we want to see it.

"It's strange to say in this unpleasant period, but I've enjoyed the past few months enormously. It's the first time in ten years, since Runskop actually, that I'll be home for a long period of time. This is so beneficial: I am photographing, painting, writing. I can devote time and attention to the very simple things we'd otherwise race past."

"Seriously, look at that," he says, picking a leaf off the ground. "Those colors, that pattern. I can spend hours looking at the pure beauty of the things that surround us."

Above us a pigeon is wreaking havoc between the thinned out foliage. "While you are singing about the wonderful beauty of nature, that animal is going to shit on our heads," I say. "And that too will be a s-p-l-e-n-d-i-d moment," Schoenaerts answers.

Matthias Schoenaerts is Belgium's most successful international film star. But here and now, on a bench in his hometown, he is a technically unemployed actor, an all-round searching artist, but above all: fighter of cynicism. "I refuse to go along with all negativity and fear. The true battle today is cynicism versus courage. And I always choose the latter."

We're on the Oudevaartplaats, the square that everyone knows as the Antwerp Bird Market, and where Schoenaerts' childhood memories are waiting to be picked up. It comes into the conversation just like that: Brando, the cute chow chow that little Matthias got from his mom on this square, when here on the bird market puppies were still sold. "My dogs were my great loves. The home situation was often difficult, and with my dogs I found security. We had three chow chows, those fluffy lion dogs with a blue tongue. Brando was the first, I loved that animal."

"We lived in a small apartment with three dogs, anything but ideal. One day we let them go, to people with a large estate. That was heartbreaking."

There is a beautiful lesson in that, about love and letting go. It would have been selfish to keep your dogs if you could give them a nicer life elsewhere, wouldn't it?

"Absolutely, but I obviously didn't process that departure properly. Brando still appears in my dreams, after all these years. Then he returns home unexpectedly, and am I mad with joy.

"I often dream about my parents too: that reunion is so intensely beautiful and warm. Oh, there you are, finally! Those dreams are true to life, and the awakening is rock-hard."

Is that one of the reasons why you like being here in Antwerp, because here you feel more connected to the people that you loved?

"This is my home, my zero, I can't imagine a place in the world where I would rather live. When my mom was alive, and especially when she got sick, in between filming I tried to be with her as much as possible here in Antwerp. In the meantime I have an apartment here, my first permanent place of my own, but I've hardly been there in recent years. Now I can finally enjoy my home, I find peace, tranquility and inspiration there. I have seen fantastic sunsets on my roof terrace in recent months. So much beauty, and you can just admire it there, every day, for free. As long as you take the time to enjoy it.

"Normally I would have started filming again in April, and left for a hectic ride of at least two years, with projects that would follow each other quickly. I was at my limits, sooner or later I was going to bang my head against the wall. I feel how beneficial it is to slow down for a moment. David Lynch said that: 'Just slow things down and it becomes more beautiful'.

"As an actor you have to work in a big machine, according to a tight schedule. I have now discovered the pleasure of creating things for myself very spontaneously in my own cadence."

Is that work something you ever want to go public with?

"I want to do something with my photography someday, but I'm in no hurry. I'm also writing a film script, I've had an idea for a trilogy for a long time. It's a very personal project, and it takes time for it to crystallize into something very pure and proper. Maybe those films will come within ten years, maybe never.

"The most important thing is to keep busy. You have to look for something, anything, on which you can focus your passion, love and attention. Of course I would like to return to set, and those projects will come back later. But if I can't change anything about a situation, why worry about it?

"From a very young age I learned that there are not many certainties in life, I adapt easily to unexpected circumstances. There is one thing I can't stand, and that is feeling powerless. I never want to be the victim of a situation, I will always think: what can I do myself? Which way can I go? I have often enough stood with my back against the wall, I will always find a way out and take matters into my own hands."

So Schoenaerts decided to use this period to put Zenith - his artist name as a street artist - to hard work. Since the lockdown he has already created nine impressive murals, including one in the courtyard of the Oudenaarde prison, and one at the beginning of this month in the Antwerp Begijnenstraat, on the bare walls that form their furthest horizon for the prisoners. A moving event, he says. Not only by the touching conversations with inmates, and the forty-minute applause with which the prisoners welcomed him. "The mural contains a poem by my father. While I am there painting those beautiful words of my dad on the wall, I suddenly remember that my mom used to give meditation lessons to the prisoners there in the Begijnenstraat. I had completely forgotten about that until I stood there. How beautiful that is. Suddenly I felt my parents very tangible, very close to me."

It's a bit funny: a long time ago you were arrested for graffiti, now they invite you to prison to make a mural.

"I used to tag a lot, but I really don't like the vandalism that sometimes comes with graffiti. Defacing a facade, that's just ridiculous. But trains, bridges, tunnels.... frankly I think that's the max. Soon I'm going to do another oldskool graffiti wall, with some friends, back to the roots. But with permission, yes."

Scary dudes

The problems of the Belgian detention system are well known: outdated infrastructure, overcrowding and a system of pre-trial detention which means that some people are innocently stuck for years. Schoenaerts: "These are human lives that are destroyed by the Belgian state, isn't that scandalous?"

Schoenaerts' engagement started years ago, after meeting Hans Claus, prison director in Oudenaarde, who contacted him when he wanted to organize a screening of Le Fidèle, the film by Michaël R. Roskam starring Schoenaerts. Claus has been fighting for many years for a reform of our detention system, among others with the non-profit organization De Huizen, small-scale centers that are more focused on rehabilitation and reintegration of the detainee. How does Schoenaerts see his role? "Those murals are a kind of lubricant for me, to get attention for this problem. I am not the expert and I am certainly not a politician. This injustice touches me as a human being, and my message is clear: please listen to the people who have been working hard for decades to reform the system from the inside."

In The Mustang, your last feature film to be seen here before the lockdown, you take on the role of a prisoner who learns to tame wild horses and his demons. Has that role changed your vision?

"That rehabilitation program with mustangs really exists, and the chance of recidivism is almost zero percent. I had a conversation in the Begijnenstraat with the minister of Justice Vincent Van Quickenborne (Open Vld, ed.), and he told me that the chance of relapse here is 40 to 50 percent. Isn't that madness?

"That's what fascinates me most of all: what do we do with those detainees while they're stuck? How can we help to break the destructive patterns that put them in prison? Imprisonment is a punishment in itself, but someday we'll send those people back into society, so let's mainly support them in their self-development.

"In preparation for The Mustang, I visited prisons in the U.S., and talked to men who had been detained for 20, 30 years. Heavy guys: Aryan Brotherhood (powerful crime syndicate of neo-Nazis in American prisons, ed.), Mexican gang leaders... real scary dudes. You know what those say to me? That they live in fear every day, but they must not show weakness. Psychological counseling and things like that have their value, but that's often very cerebral. I especially believe in the healing power of art. Imagine that inmates can express all those fucked up emotions through art: I think that there is an enormous potential in this."

I heard you're playing with the idea of giving acting lessons to inmates?

"That's not a concrete plan yet, but I would love it if people from the creative sector would commit themselves to this: musicians, sculptors, dancers. Or writers who help prisoners put their own story into words.

"The cultural sector needs to start sticking its neck out. The sector is lying flat, and that's terrible. But we have to keep moving. We can all do something for the community, without being paid for it. Planting small seeds, doing something good for your fellow man, something beautiful always comes out of it."

Had you been to a prison before The Mustang?

"To visit friends, yes. In Merksplas, Hoogstraten, Hasselt, Dendermonde... We shouldn't talk about that any further. A prison is deep tristesse. Who dares to call that 'a hotel', shame on you."

This summer you painted an impressive mural in Paris in honor of George Floyd, murdered by American officers. And in Ostend last week a new mural was unveiled, with a 'decapitated' Leopold II. Is activism an important part of your street art?

"Graffiti used to be more of a style exercise for me, you want to create things that get noticed within the scene. But gradually I felt like communicating with a wider audience. I like to incorporate a lot of symbolism in my paintings, such as the cracks I photograph all over the world and then magnify them in another place. And the praying hands, a universal image of hope and faith in yourself. Art has the power to speak to our deepest emotions, and that is what binds us to the other. Connectedness, empathy, harmony, solidarity, that's the essence for me."

The corona crisis is one big exercise in empathy and solidarity. Sometimes we seem to lack that.

"I refuse to surrender to cynicism, and I surround myself with positive people who do beautiful things for others. This period would lead us to insights: how do we deal with each other? Do we help each other, or is it every man for himself? A human is such a wonderful creature, but we mess it up so much for ourselves.

"Yeah, I know. Some people who read this will think: this guy is smoking too many joints. (laughs) I don't smoke joints, and I'm not an unworldly idealist. But I will always focus my attention on the good, in spite of everything."

If you always want to see the good in people, are you sometimes disappointed?

"Yes, of course. I'm not a naive brat, I've learned to guard my boundaries. I can't please everyone all the time, and I don't let anyone rush me. I react badly when people put pressure on me because they want things from me. The perception of me that others have of me, I can't control. I don't let myself put out of balance easily anymore."

I saw that on your Instagram Stories you warned about fake profiles on social media, of people pretending to be you. That made you visibly angry.

"Really, that makes me angry. Every day I receive screenshots from people who have been tricked by crooks who approach innocent victims with my name and my pictures. There are stories of fans who have paid thousands of euros because they were promised a meet-and-greet with me. How disgusting is that? One person has transferred 14,000 euros to someone who pretended to be my manager.

"Of course, that raises questions about how gullible some people can be. But I've seen those chat conversations for myself: those criminals are terribly sneaky. They know how to play on the vulnerabilities of their victims in a very cunning way. This is manipulation and swindle of the filthiest kind.

"Really, I get physically unwell when I think about it. How can someone be so mean? If I ever catch these guys, I'm gonna bash their skulls in, I'm not kidding. Sorry."

Or: those crooks get a jail sentence, where you're going to give them acting lessons.

(laughs) "Okay, let it be clear that I think everyone should be punished for their crimes. My commitment to the prison system is not a plea for impunity, and I certainly don't want to romanticize crime.

"But when someone abuses innocent people's trust in such a cunning way, the question is: how did you derail so morally? And above all: how can we initiate a transformation in that person? Surely you can't lock someone up and expect that person to suddenly make better choices years later? First such a person has to take responsibility for his own actions."

Do you have something criminal on your conscience?

"No." (Thinks for a second) "No. Thank God. I couldn't live with that.

"I've probably hurt people in my life, like everybody else. Sometimes we just hurt people because of who we are, or because we can't fulfill what others want from us. But I have never harmed anyone consciously or criminally, no."

As a teenager you sometimes came into contact with the juvenile court, for vandalism. Do you think you could have ended up on the other side of the bars?

"Probably, a life can take strange turns sometimes."

What made you sit here today, and not get on the 'wrong' path?

"Wait... that's a good question. There's the one terrible dramatic event that caused a total turnaround in my life: when my dad went into a coma after a psychosis, and I was told he only had 24 hours left to live.

"I was 21 then, thrown out of school for the umpteenth time. I was doing graffiti and wanted to find my way creatively. But I was messing around, going with friends who... Anyway, there was latent danger, it threatened to go a little bit the wrong way.

"And then I got that phone call: come and say goodbye. Bam. The relationship with my father had been sour for years, we hardly saw each other. Until I stood there at his deathbed in intensive care... I only felt love, a wave of emotions that I had pushed down very deeply. That realization was rock-hard: this was it. My father and I will never get the chance to figure shit out, I thought.

"Long story, the rest is known: after 72 hours my father woke up from a coma against all odds. Like a plant: he could not speak, reacted to nothing or nobody. According to the chief psychiatrist, we had to accept that his condition would never improve. That was without the fighting spirit of my mother and me.

"It's because of that unlikely event that I've changed my whole lifestyle. For eight months, my mother and I went to visit my father every day. We talked to him, but he seemed to look straight through us. For hours we sat with him at the psychiatry department of Stuivenberg, how desperate those first months were also. We continued to fight, taught him to talk, to eat, to walk. A miracle, the doctors called it. Bullshit of course. It was love, dedication and stubbornness. Especially thanks to my mother, the lioness who kept fighting for him. And see how much beauty came out of it. My life then received an entirely different impulse.

"I suddenly think of an anecdote I've never told before. After a while we were allowed to take my father to the cafeteria once in a while, or to the garden. But he was absolutely not allowed to leave the hospital. Fuck it. I hid a bag of clothes for him, secretly dressed him in the toilet and took my father to the city. By bus, because I didn't have a driver's license. I wanted to stimulate his senses, test if any memories would come back. He was fond of Our Lady's Cathedral, so that's where I wanted to take him."

Matthiaske, why am I crying?

He plays it out. The written version here is only a dead script compared to the lived-through performance, right there on that dark square, just around the corner of the Arenbergschouwburg, where Matthias made his stage debut as a 9-year-old boy next to father Julien, as The Little Prince.

Matthias shows how he supported his frail dad, and how they shuffled in small, careful steps towards the cathedral. Dad looking at the ground to be sure not to fall. "I say, 'Dad, look up'. He looks up, and I see the tears rolling down his cheeks. I had never seen my father cry. 'Matthiaske,' he says, 'can you tell me why I'm crying?'

"I had already decided then that I would take my father into my house. Overconfident, yes, at that age, but they have become the most beautiful years of my life. Mom came by every day to help. Suddenly we were a bit of a family again, something we had only been for a short time when I was young."

It was at that time that you decided to become an actor. Why did you decide to become an actor?

"I had always resisted following in my father's footsteps. In my youth I mainly wanted to break away from my father, and seek my own path. I didn't want to have anything to do with him and all those loudmouths around him in the theater world. But most of all I was terrified that compared to the great Julien Schoenaerts I would never be good enough.

"Only now do I understand why I then decided to go to the conservatory. Not to become an actor, but to understand my father. We had so many years together, and now that we had been given a second chance, I wanted to get to know him as well as possible. By acting, maybe I could get closer to him." (pauses)

Sentimental fuss

He banishes the tears. It's one of the many things he has in common with his father, he says: they're both very emotional, but they hate sentimental fuss. "Come on, Matthias: breathe," he commands himself.

"Voilà, see how much beauty can come out of misery. What a chain of beautiful things came out of the fight my mother and I put up in the most hopeless situation. Who knows how differently my life would have turned out?"

"There are so many lessons in that. If we just talked about the rehabilitation of detainees, for example. It takes commitment. Not a workshop of two hours. You have to persevere, even in the event of a setback, with no guarantee of a happy ending. That's why I think it's so important to keep telling that story about my dad. Those are the values I believe in: dedication, stamina, attention, love. You can apply that to everything in life. Love is the fuel."

You often talk about your parents as if you want to keep them alive with your words.

"Because my mom and dad are the people I've loved most. With them I shared the most important moments, built the most beautiful memories. That loss is enormous. Life has been really fucking tough since they've been gone.

"That's what grabs me so much in this period. How many people have died of corona in Belgium?"

According to Google, today, on the day of the interview, the counter stands at almost 14,000 deaths.

"Fourteen thousand! Imagine how many people that has an impact on? How many people have suddenly lost their mother, father, brother, sister, best friend or neighbor? Behind those figures lie tens of thousands of poignant stories, of people who see a loved one torn from their lives. That is a mountain of unresolved grief, and far too little attention is paid to it."

Earlier during our conversation a guy had walked past coughing and maskless. It pissed Schoenaerts off: "And whining about masks or strict measures. Grow some fucking balls. Having to say goodbye to a loved one, that's the worst thing."

"Isn't that what this period teaches us? That our time here is limited? And what really counts in life: sharing moments of beauty with the people you hold most dear. All the rest is wallpaper. Having success, making movies, that's all fun. But the day you lie on your deathbed, you really don't think about the professional successes on your resume. No way."

[ephemeral-sorrow]

The Sweetness of Frenemic Love

Sometimes the strangest thoughts enter my head and make me write something bizarre but really touching at the same time. :D

pairing: Lilly x Male!MC

summary: It`s one step from hatred to love.

warning: a bunch of fluff  ;)

Have you ever experienced resentment towards someone you`ve never met in real life? 

Felt irritation and anger bubble up inside your head like lava slowly filling the volcano to the brim, almost turning your eyes into two sizzling hot coals? 

Lilly had been familiar with these disgusting sensations even before she got to knew MC - the obnoxious stranger Hannah sent her number to and the one who managed to infiltrate their group and spread insurgency among everyone and everything around. Her sister`s disappearance ruined their peaceful lives, putting Lilly and her parents into huge stress, when each day with news even more horrible than on previous one, took away all their hope. So, to conclude it all, a completely unknown weirdo, who gained access to different sorts of information as well as trust of her blindly oblivious friends, now was sticking his nose into other people`s business without pangs of conscience.

The way things were progressing kept Lilly infuriated and incredibly... depressed. She refused to admit that to herself, but she was even angrier because of her own helplessness. She wanted to do something useful and finally get a clue that might come in handy or at least set things up so that the investigation would be faster and more efficient. However, guys from the group already had their own theories, sources and clues, took part in various events and furthermore, acted carelessly, not paying attention to threats.  ... They made it clear that Lilly`s advice was pointless, just like her participation.

That`s why the mere thought of some stranger doing more for Hannah than her family made something snap inside, clouding Lilly`s judgement and true character with boundless spite. Not to mention, pure fear engulfed her at the suggestion that MC may be the real culprit, and here, cards played so flawlessly right into his hands...

                                                       *     *     *

Now it was a completely different story, and it was kind of hard to believe that was how she used to think of him only a year ago. A lot happened, making those restless days seem like a distant memory or rather a thrilling movie, characters of which were another people, portrayed in another places and time.

“So, what do you make of my new car?”

Lilly blinked, snapping out of her flooding thoughts and returned her attention to the cup of chocolate icecream with gente, pink frosting before her -  and finally, stared at the rest of the group, that made themselves comfortable at the cafe table. Today was the celebration on account of Dan`s grandiose purchase - dashing, brand new Audi A3 model. It costed him a fortune but didn`t lessen his enthusiasm nor pride(having exited the hospital as soon as possible, he spent a great deal of effort in finding a good job AND cutting down on alcohol). As a result, every time he ordered apple juice at the Rainbow cafe he declared: “Cool dudes drink only juice!”.

“Dan, that was the hundredth time you`ve asked this question”, despite the fake bored tone, Cleo wore an amused smile, dropping her usual strictness.

“What can I possibly do when all of you are so short-spoken?” Dan dramatically leaned back on the soft cushion. “I need details. Not talking about this pretty girl is a sacrilege”.

“If she was mine, I`d call her ‘babe’ “, ice cubes softly clincked against the glass, as Richy thoughtfully twisted his cocktail in his hand. “And the quiet purrs of her engine are the same as a hearbeat--”

“Now, now, you`re just being ridiculous!” Hannah`s melodic laugh ringed before drowning in the chatter of the crowded cafe. Lilly`s insides warmed up upon seeing her sister smiling sweetly in the Thomas` embrace. She was safe and sound, cheerful and full of love for the surrounding world. Everything was back to normal and it made Lilly genuinely happy--

She felt hot breath pleasantly tickle her ear before a crisp, familiar voice sensually whispered to her:

“I don`t know about others, but if you asked me, the only ‘babe’ I see is you”.

Lilly couldn`t really help the flush that spread on her neck, so she coughed, pretending to be extremely interested in her icecream, which was already starting to melt.

She casted a quick glance at the man beside her, attempting to look unfazed by his sudden compliment only to be met with his mischievous, affectionate eyes.

“MC, we`re... we`re in public”, she whispered back rather shyly.

“You were kind of dreamy while looking at Thomas and Hannah, so I decided to remind you that you didn`t come here alone”.

“Hmph”, Lilly pouted, fixing the fallen lock of her hair. “as if I need your tasteless remarks to cheer up. You should come up with something more original”.

MC laughed airily, flashing his signature confident smirk. Lilly took a small breath, furrowed her delicate brows and turned away stubbornly, turning a deeper shade of red. She didn`t like her heart clenching bittersweetly at his actions, especially in front of her unsuspecting friends. It was difficult to keep a perfectly composed face.

“I`ll cook you Peking meat by my special receipt tonight”, MC continued as if nothing had happened, absentmindedly observing the lively conversation between Jessy, Dan and Thomas, and how Cleo was showing Hannah something on the phone.

“I’ll take it as an invitation to your house?” Lilly inquired. “Why are you so sure I`m going to accept it?”

“Oh please, sweetie, do you want me to list all reasons in front of so many people?” His expression was calm and serious, but Donfort knew better: he was mercilessly teasing her, not caring about precautions at all.

Lilly hit his leg under the table, earning a triumphant ‘ouch’ in response.

                                                     *     *     *

Later that evening at his place, after having had a fair piece of the most delicious meat she has ever eaten, Lilly was helping MC to wash the dishes, drying the shiny plates with a cloth and placing them into the cupboard. He was mumbling a delightful tune under his breath. She glanced at his features. Somehow simply being with this person made her forget about all troubles. But what about him?

“MC”, Lilly tried to sound not too curious. 

“Yes?”

“Why did you choose me of all girls? I mean... I`ve never thought that you might become interested in me after what I did to you a year ago with that video and vote. Like in person, let alone a woman. You`ve been best friends with Jessy from the start, so it would`ve been logical if you two have had a thing”.

“To be honest with you, your brother said the same”, he smiled with the corners of his mouth. “What I found in you”.

“Excuse me, what!?” the girl exploded with outrage, dropping the cloth out of surprise. “Jake, that little jerk!! He`s supposed to back me up in situations like this!”

MC was holding his laughter for his dear life or he would inevitably get a handful but frankly, it was getting harder.

“What did you reply? Come on, I want to know!!” Lilly was worried and frustrated at the same time, looking at him impatiently and expectantly, like a little kid who desired to know their present for birthday.

“You seem so desperate-- HAHAHA, I CAN`T!”

Lilly groaned and threw a sponge at him on full speed, not bothering that it was still wet and full of soap. What was so funny when all she wanted to hear was these important words of confirmation?

MC cleaned his face and came closer.

“I replied that you`re the one who understands me. The one who always makes my day brighter. Also you are kind and candid”, his palm rested against her cheek, tenderly caressing it, as she leaned for his touch.

“I can often be impulsive and sharp”.

“That doesn`t make you worse. You always speak your mind. I think it`s admirable. Not to mention, you are a truly charming and elegant woman”.

She didn`t let MC finish his sentence because their lips collided in a soft, albeit passionate manner. Lilly lived up to her statement - this kiss was spontaneous and full of feeling. She traced his wide shoulders, stopping when her hands found their place in his unruly hair, slightly tugging at it. 

They parted once they ran out of air.

“Jake additionally said my romantic confession would lead to this”.

“Ugh, you`re terrible!!”

[nomazee]

Designated Driver (2)

☆ akaashi keiji x reader; bokuto koutarou x reader 

word count: 1700+

content: themes of unrequited love, personal development, angst/fluff

cross-posted on my ao3

PART ONE

(here’s the second part!!! sorry for taking so long with it, the week’s been a bit hectic for me. 

i think this is up there on my list of favorite things i’ve written (which is....unsurprisingly, very short). i really hope you guys like this final part, and feel free to tell me about anything you liked/didn’t like! 

ALSO!! reminder that requests are open!! please read my request rules before sending one in <3 

happy reading!!)

☾.:°∗★.:☆:.★∗°:.☽ 

You told Akaashi that night over the phone that you would talk to him tomorrow. That was a blatant lie. 

The day after the party was one of those days where you didn’t share any lectures with him, so you didn’t naturally bump into him at any point throughout the day. On top of that, you were a little bit frazzled with reviewing the coursework of your weakest class to allot any time to text Akaashi and the male himself hadn’t done so, either. 

You let it be. All things happened for a reason. And having a break from him for a little bit would be beneficial to you, you figured. 

On the other hand, you and Bokuto grew closer and closer by the day. Neither of you were great with tutoring, but studying separate subjects in each other’s presence was good enough for both of you. Any free time that you were willing to lend him was spent either going out to newly discovered diners or cooking (very chaotically) at the chosen person’s apartment of the night. (Though, on top of this, Bokuto made sure to let you have time for yourself, careful not to overcrowd your schedule of just him all the time.)

It was a bit new, adjusting to this temporary lack of Akaashi Keiji in your life. But Bokuto was a really good friend. You were surprised (and a little disappointed in yourself, to be honest) that you didn’t allow yourself to get as close to him before this whole thing happened. You two were still friends before--you, Bokuto and Akaashi could be considered a sort of “friend group” but you were significantly more comfortable with the latter than the former. You had times where you hung out with both of them and times where you only hung out with Akaashi, but until now you’d never individually spent time with Bokuto. 

Neither of you had addressed it out loud, but you knew Bokuto was really doing his best to try and take your mind off of what had happened at the party. Occupying you with things distinctly unrelated to Akaashi, trying to fill up time spent alone with his presence--all of that was his attempt (successful attempt, at that) to make your mood better. 

And to make you stop relying on Akaashi so much. 

You hated to admit it--who liked admitting their own falsehoods?--but you really were reliant on Akaashi for a good majority of your happiness. You always seeked his validation and used the time he spent around you to assure yourself that, ‘yes, I am a likeable person, and him being my friend proves it!’ 

You cringed a bit just looking back on your old mindset, though the flinch of your inner thoughts was easily subdued by the mental comparison you made between how you lived with Akaashi constantly present in your life and how you lived now, with a different person and a different mentality. 

Bokuto was sure to not turn into a sheer replacement for the hole Akaashi left in your head. The time he allotted for you to spend by yourself was entirely intentional--something that was, yet again, an unspoken intention but one that you were both entirely aware of. Emotionally intelligent as he is, Bokuto ensured that you didn’t build up yet another reliance on an individual person. Every time you spent a night by yourself, he’d make sure to send you a text, like, “take some time and just relax tonight! use the bath bombs you got for your birthday! :)” or “i’ve watched that movie before! i think you’ll really like it” before telling you to turn off your phone and enjoy yourself. 

It was very different, now that you thought about it. The time you used to spend alone, without Akaashi, was always a bit empty for you, no matter how many new dishes you tried out or what series you decided to marathon. Now it was much more fulfilling--you knew how to divide your time fairly between social events (read: cooking spaghetti with Bo) and individual relaxation. 

Reminiscing on your mindset made you feel a mix of emotions. It was a bit sad how tightly you latched onto someone you weren’t even in a relationship with. You were relieved you could move past that phase, though. Here you were, developing a sense of individuality in only a few weeks of time. It was a drastic change, but one that you were proud of. (Bokuto was proud, too, though he never outright said it and preferred to show it in the small gifts he gave you from time to time.) 

You did occasionally wonder if you should text Akaashi, but left that up for the black-haired male to decide for himself. You were content either way, no matter how much your old conscious resurfaced and nagged you to text him back. 

It was a bit of a shock to hear a knock on your door on a late Saturday afternoon. You and Bokuto promised to meet up somewhere, so he wouldn’t have shown up at your apartment like this. 

Your expression turned curious from your place in the kitchen, where you’d been sipping on water and scrolling through your phone while waiting to leave. You placed the glass down and walked over to your door, opening it. 

You were right in thinking it wasn’t Bokuto. But you really weren’t expecting Akaashi to be here, either. 

Surprise was evident in your expression. Akaashi met your eyes before looking at your doorframe and shifting his weight from foot to foot nervously. You took the initiative to start talking. 

“Hey, Akaashi. I wasn’t expecting you to come over. What’s going on?” He looked at you properly now, lips fluttering open and closed in an attempt to grasp cohesive words together. 

“Can I come in?” Was what made it out, and you obliged to his request. He seemed a little jumpy in your presence, only making you more concerned as time passed. 

“Did you… need something?” His hands clasped together and he began picking at his cuticles habitually. You couldn’t help the downturn of your lips at the action. 

“No, I’m fine. I just wanted to talk with you. And see if maybe you wanted to hang out today?” 

Oh, you thought. That was nice of him. Though he could’ve texted you first before showing up at your house spontaneously. (You tried not to read too much into that fact.) 

You gave him a gentle simper, happy that he was finally beginning to try and reconcile with you after everything. Better late than never, right? 

“I’m glad you’re talking with me again, Akaashi.” His expression softened at your words, mirroring your own smile. “I can’t do it today, though, but I should be free next week if that’s okay?” 

The expression of elation on his face faltered the slightest bit at hearing you were occupied today. “Yeah, that’s fine. You’re going somewhere right now?” 

You checked the time on your phone--five minutes until you should leave. You nodded at him, “Yeah, I’m going to that new diner downtown with Bokuto. We heard good things about it, so… we figured we should try it out.” 

Akaashi’s expression--you could only describe it as owlish. His eyes widened and he blinked at you questioningly. “Oh. I didn’t know you were both so close.” 

A fond countenance appeared on your features at the mention of your bond with the male. “Yeah, after everything… happened,” you couldn’t help but flinch after bringing it up, assuming the wound may still be fresh on his part, “we just started hanging out a bit more. He’s really nice.” 

You said that last part as an afterthought, really, but Akaashi noticed how it came so naturally to you to describe his friend in that way. He felt like he was overthinking, but it seemed like you were doing just fine without him. Like you didn't miss him at all. 

“Are you guys dating?” Internally, he chastised himself for being so straightforward. A beat of silence passed, and he was preparing himself to apologize when you spoke up. 

“No, we’re not.” And that was it. A simple answer, no elaboration, nothing to further clarify--vague enough to let Akaashi continue his overthinking. 

His eyes flitted up to yours. Your ears were tinted with a soft pink. An ache persisted in the back of Akaashi’s throat at the implications of your expression. Fuck. 

You checked your phone again. It was time to leave. You relayed this information to Akaashi and let him walk you down to the parking lot so he could leave at the same time. 

Making your final steps to your car, you turned around to face him and say goodbye when you were pulled into a tightened, warm embrace. 

A sound of surprise left your throat, and Akaashi pushed his forehead into the crook of his shoulder, like he was searching for comfort in the cotton of your cardigan and the floral smell of your skin. He felt like he was choking in your body wash, but thought that wouldn’t be a bad way to die. 

Instinctively, your hand reached up to the crowd of his head and tangled itself in the depths of his hair (unruly, you noted, like he hadn’t bothered to really keep up with his multi-step haircare process that you always teased him for). 

“I’m sorry, [Name].” His words, genuine and painful to release on his part, buzzed through the skin covering your trapezius and you suppressed a shudder at the feeling. “I’m so sorry.” 

The crack of his voice made a similar attack to your heart. “Akaashi… it’s okay.” 

Both of your words were simple, but they were heavy. The head on your shoulder turned to stone and you felt the need to rid yourself of the weight before you succumbed to your old routine. You released the arms you wrapped around him in return, and gave a gentle push against his shoulder. 

Glassy blue eyes stared back into yours. You nearly drowned in them, but stopped yourself before you could. You thought that wouldn’t be a good way to die. 

“I’ll see you.” With the lack of response on his part, you gave him a gentle smile--as reassuring as you could get it--and made your way into your car. 

Akaashi watched you give him a parting wave from behind the tinted windows of your car. He struggled to reciprocate, but did so nonetheless. 

You seemed happy enough. It hurt that he wasn’t there to see it. But he figured it would be a good way to live, for both of you. 

[firstdate-lastdate]

Karma is a Cold Bitch

I held off writing this story for a long time. At the time, it was truly one of the meanest things someone had done to me, and I’d be lying if I said my feelings weren’t seriously hurt. I wanted to find a way to tell this story without garnering an influx of pity. This happened years ago, so like I said- don’t feel bad for me. I get myself into these situations. I was totally blind to the red flags waving wildly in my face from the start. Warning: you will cringe. I will cringe. We will all cringe together. 

This guy reached out to me the only way that guys in Los Angeles know how- Instagram direct message. We had some mutual friends so his message wasn’t totally out of the blue. We messaged back and forth for a few weeks. I found out he makes music and has a good sense of humor. I’m a sucker for anyone who can make me laugh. Plus, he’s from my neighboring hometown, so it seemed like we had a lot in common. 

One day over the summer, I was bored out of my mind. Legitimately all of my friends were out of town. I was apartment-sitting for them. He FaceTimed me, invited me over, and hit me with one of the worst lines I’ve ever heard to date:  “do you want to fall in love today?” 

Yes, you read that right. And yes, I did go over. I told him I was working on some stuff (writing a blog entry, about his friend HA) so I brought over my computer to get my work done. He was working on some his music, so it all worked out. From the second I came over, he had his own music playing. Nonstop. 

We did some stuff around the area: went to Trader Joe’s, went to the car wash, kissed on his rooftop. I don’t mean like a nicely renovated rooftop with a pool and seating area, I mean like a roof that was not meant for people to visit. We crawled up on a small brick half-wall, and pebbles got stuck in my feet. There was a very suspicious single plastic lounge chair that seemed out-of-place, in retrospect. I doubt I’m the first girl he’s brought to this lounge chair. 

Despite it all, I enjoyed myself. It was fun to be spontaneous and not overthink things for once. I felt comfortable kissing him, and he might be the only person in the world more affectionate than I am. Everything seemed to be going fine. A few of my friends warned me to be careful, but I took him at face value. I was having fun. Simple as that. 

A few days later, he invited me to a house party after I got off work. The party was totally normal, except for the fact that every single person there had multi-million Instagram followers, blue check marks, and some even featured on Ellen. I felt very out of place.

He asked if I wanted to sleepover at his place, and I said sure, that it sounded like fun. There I was, having fun, enjoying myself, and not thinking too far into it. 

All of that was fine. We stayed up late kissing, talking, and watching tv. The next morning we woke up around noon. Not five minutes later, his roommates came busting through the front door shouting, “we’re going to Vegas! We’re seeing two YouTubers get married! We’re leaving in five minutes! Either you’re coming or you’re not!” 

(2021 note: the two YouTubers in question have since divorced. The night prior, the guy mocked me for enjoying these specific YouTuber’s content. Twelve hours later, he’s jumping at a chance to attend their massive wedding party. I digress.)

I gathered my things to head home. I packed up my purse and sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for him to decide whether or not to go on the road trip. I was not invited nor was I prepared to drop everything a poorly planned Vegas trip. I also know better than to invite myself to an invite-only event. Meanwhile, people were walking in, walking out, on the phone, on FaceTime, sorting out last minute details for this spontaneous trip. The entire apartment was pure chaos. I quietly checked my phone, staying out of the way, still waiting on a decision. 

I got lost in whatever social media I was checking, and time escaped me. It must have been about five minutes of total silence before I noticed- it was a little too quiet. The front door was still open, so I figured the group must just be packing up the car. At the moment, I received a FaceTime call. From this guy. From inside a moving vehicle. 

I went blind with rage. The guy had left me, alone in his apartment, in his bed, door wide open, failed to say goodbye, for a clout chasing trip to Vegas. I said some less-than-polite things on that call, and left the apartment, deliberately not closing the door behind me. I got about 5 steps out of the apartment, still on FaceTime, when I realized, I could raid the closet and help myself to anything that helps me sleep better at night. So that’s what I did. And then I actually left. Door wide open. I could have and probably should have done worse, but I was blinded by my own rage.  

The next few days were filled with a lot of wine, Hannah B’s season of the Bachelorette, and multiple phone calls in attempt to help this person understand the basics of human decency.  The wine and the reality tv made the phone calls about one hundred times more dramatic than necessary, but hey, that’s part of the flair. I legitimately heard Hannah B in my ear saying- “I’m about to go psycho.” on repeat. Which is exactly what I did. The words “cold bitch” may have been used to describe me. He wasn’t wrong. 

Many months and multiple apologies later (even a short song ~inspired~ by me), I let him take me to a Chainsmokers concert. Not FIVE seconds into the drive, someone hit his beloved vintage car on a busy street and ran. 

That’s when I knew karma is a cold bitch. 

[thegreatescape]

SHARE THE LOVE CONVENTION

Here’s what happened at the Share The Love Con in Milan! :) [Sorry for my terrible English lol]

At the con I was in the front row with my friends. It was amazing but at the same time I felt a little bit observed lol Pietro was the first one who greeted me and then Nicholas recognized me ;; 

After the panel, my friend and I decided to take a picture with Federico because he was too beautiful with that blue sweater and when we went to take the picture he gave us a tight hug that I will remember forever. I don't know why but I was more nervous than the previous times... maybe because he was even more beautiful than usual lol 

Then we queued for the Fede + Rocco duo and I don’t know where I found the courage but I showed them a photo in which two people were kissing a girl on the cheek and this happened sdifhoisadpo 

Damn Fede has really soft lips, I cry just thinking about it. I left the room shaking like a leaf lol Then we went to the autographs of Nicholas, Greta and Beatrice. Greta and Bea were a wonderful surprise. They are both so kind and sweet. When Greta saw my drawing she gave me a hug and said ‘thank you’ a hundred of times. She was sooo cute! ;; 

Even Beatrice thanked me so much and complimented me and said “You drew me so hot!” And I was like "Well, you are" haha ​​

Then I went to Nicholas and this happened:

Nicholas: Hi! I'm a big fan of yours!

And I smiled at him sooo embarrassed.

Nicholas: I don't know how to thank you! I’m very tired after a drawing, you draw 10 drawings every day! You're very good.

Then Greta arrived at his table and said: Did you see my beautiful drawing with the pink background?

And he was like: Mine is gray! :(

Me: I made the backgrounds based on the shirt you had in the photos and you always have a black shirt.

Nicholas: I have to do a photoshoot then haha

Nicholas then asked me to show some of my drawings to Bea and when I showed her my Instagram profile she remembered those I had done for her and Greta added: Oh my God you made me the drawing of me and Nini kissing? It's beautiful! ; _;

This is Nicholas’ autograph. He drew me Luchino eating pizza’s crusts LOL

Then we went to the autographs of Pietro, Fede and Rocco and I have to say that this was one of the most beautiful moments of the Convention. When Pietro saw me he greeted me with an "Hello darling, how are you?" And before I answered he said: "Did you bring me something?" And when I gave him the drawing he said: “Oh my God, it's awesome! This is a new one!”

Me: “Well, yes, I couldn't post it before, it had to be a surprise!”

Pietro: “Can I keep it? ;)”

Me: “Sure it's for you! Also, sorry if I tag you on so many drawings.”

Pietro: “It makes me so happy! You drew the futuristic black and white one, the one where I’m in Venice, the one with the flag you gave me last time and ... this, right? (he remembered all of them ; ___;) And then he added: “But you drew Federico more :( AHAHAH”

Then I went to Fede and he said: “I know that yesterday was your birthday so… HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” And he sent me a kiss. I died. Then I gave him the drawing and he thanked me and he looked at me with a pleased smile saying: “What can I write here ..?” And he wrote me this beautiful autograph that I’ve to frame. 

Then, without saying anything, he got up and hugged me and it was a beautiful moment because I didn't want to let him go. Maybe that was the best hug- not only because it lasted longer but because I could tell him how grateful I was for everything.

Then I went to Rocco and he greeted me with a big smile saying: “Hello Giulia, how are you ?!” And I was actually dying inside so I immediately gave him the drawing and he said something like: “Wtf is this a drawing? Oh my God it’s amazing thank you so much” and he showed it to Fede.

Then in the afternoon there were other panels but for those I will make a special mentions at the end of the post.

Then there was Fede and Rocco meet & greet. It was pretty weird because we were all so shy and we didn’t know what to say so they told us something that happened on set during Marti and Nico reunion on the terrace in 2x09.

Fede: “Ludovico told us ‘Kiss!', so we did it. It was so romantic, but when we stopped, I noticed that I had Rocco's snot on my cheek. So I said: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT? THIS IS DISGUSTING! and the atmosphere was ruined.

Rocco: “It's true HAHAHA”

Fede: “I had your snot on me all the time! You were always crying!

Rocco: "Yes, there was an important exchange of body fluids. AHHA”

Then we went to eat the pizza with the cast. The first one who sat at our table was Federico. I was the first one to get the pizza and he said: “Well you're the birthday girl that’s why they gave you the pizza first”. I just smiled like an idiot and he said: “Eat it or it gets cold!"

Me: "No, I'm waiting for you …"

He: “But if it gets cold, it sucks”. (it sucked anyway haha)

Then me and my friends started arguing with him bc Federico claimed that the pizza has to be cut in 8 pieces (and we were cutting it in 4). Thankfully Pietro arrived and supported us and told Fede: “Stop being so annoying” ahah.

After that, there was the most embarrassing interaction that I've ever had with him. We looked at each other and he smiled, so I smiled back but I was too nervous to say anything. Basically we kept smiling for like 15 seconds and it all ended with an embarrassing silence :))))

Then Rocco sat right next to me and he was so… excited? Haha

Rocco: “Did you eat today?”

Me: “No, we were anxious…”

Rocco: “Why? C’mon we know each other now! We’re friends!” (I almost cried, I swear).

Then I showed him a bracelet that my friends bought me for my bday (a heart with the word ‘Sbedemmic’ written on it) and he enlightened and said: “Nooo! Oh my god! Sbedemmic !? A-ma-zing!”

Then we asked him how to pronounce “Maxence” and Rocco called him at out table and Maxence rushed to us leaning towards us and we were blown away because he has really beautiful eyes and honestly I didn't even listen to what he said ahaha

Then Nicholas joined us and said  "I want to sit right next to Giulia” (I wanted to hug him ;u;) and we talked about drawings and it was wonderful. Then at a certain point I don't remember what he wanted to ask Bea and he started to call her addressing a girl at the table next to ours and only after a while we pointed out that Bea was sitting on the other side of the room and he was like: “Who was I calling? The girl doesn't even have hair like Bea!” HAHAH

Before he left we hugged each other tight and we  thanked each other for everything.

Maxence is literally an elf. He is nice, funny and he gave me a lot of positivity. We asked him to take a photo all together and he immediately put the glass of wine down because “If my mom sees the picture she gets angry” xD He said he never had the chance to interact so much with the fans at the events and that he thinks it’s amazing to create a bond with us.

Then I apologized bc I tag him on a lot of drawings and he asked me “Wait, what did you draw?”

Before I answered him he started to jump on the chair saying “The raccoon one!?”

Me: “Yes, even the-”

He: “The one with the shirt! Come on, let me see it!”

So I showed him the drawing and he exclaimed: “YEEEEES! THIS ONE! YEEEEES! THE SHIRT!!!”

He thanked me and I closed instagram, but I had forgotten to change my background and I had a photograph of me with Federico.

Maxence saw it and said: “Is that your boyfriend?"

And I said: “I WISH!”

I swear I didn't want to say it out loud, but it was spontaneous. He widened his eyes and literally burst into laughing while I turned RED. I apologized saying it wasn’t my intention to say it out loud but he said that he got that bc he read the panic in my eyes as soon as I realized it, but he appreciated my spontaneity and he said that it will be our little secret xD (then we talked outside and we took a couple of photos, he even chose the poses AHAHAH but then we got caught and the staff told him to go inside xD).

1 December

The second day in the morning we went to the autographs of Robin and Lukas and they both thanked me so much for the drawings (I will never forget their expressions ;;). 

After giving Lukas the drawing he stood up and hugged me tight and he was the sweetest, with his beautiful and kind smile :’)

Then I took a photo with Nicholas 

and a duo with Maxence and Rocco where I asked for a group hug and Maxence said: A POLIPATA ?! (an Italian word that idk how to translate. Obviously Rocco taught him that haha it’s like “hugging like an octopus” lol)

The last photos were those with Federico. When I showed him the photo I wanted to do he made an expression that I will never forget a mix between a smile and ;) and he said: “Uh, today we are in the mood for kisses”. And of course I turned BRIGHT RED :DDD

The last activity of the day was the autograph with Maxence. He thanked me for the drawing and said "You made me a beautiful drawing, so I will also make your own beautiful drawing" and he made a stylized character of me ahaha

At the cocktail party Maxence was the first one to sit with us! He didn’t know what to say so he asked us to do a toast and we all said in chorus 'cin-cin' and he said: "Do you know that ‘cin-cin’ means vagina in Chinese?” Ahah This was the highlight of our conversation.

Then Nicholas and Rocco came at our table and we talked all the time about medicines and reflux lmao We looked like the geriatric department bc they said that all the cocktails tasted like medicines lol 

Then Pietro and Fede arrived, both sooo tired, but Fede greeted us with "Hello rays of sunshine!" And we were literally dying . Pietro said he was worried about not being able to return home because he would have arrived after midnight and he didn't have the keys. "I can't call someone and say "Hi, I'm the guy who lives upstairs" ahaha

Then we talked to Lukas and Robin and they were so cute ;; Lukas is a very interesting person, he has a pure soul and it was a pleasure to know him ;; 

In the end, Bea and Greta arrived and we gossiped a lot, especially about boys haha

Best moments of PANELs:

-Nicholas said his favorite word is Australopithecus Robustus and Greta said "Fregno" (it’s a slang for ‘hot’) xD

-Fede said his Spirit animal is a Golden Retriever and that Martino’s is a fox

-Fede made fun of Rocco because he spoke with metaphors that didn’t make any sense so Fede was like: Enough Rocco, enough! Stop it! THAT'S ENOUGH!

-We made a video for Bea and everyone cried in the room

-THE KARAOKE

-Fede said that Rocco didn’t know how to ride a bicycle and they had to shoot that scene a lot of times

-Fede complimented Rocco and then he gave the microphone to him saying: “Come on, I’m waiting.” Because he wanted to get compliments too haha

-Rocco sat in the audience and asked Fede the story of Bambi and Fede called him “Er Lucertola (lizard)” in revenge and said that the name of Bambi was born because of a toxic (Rocco haha)

-Pietro who answered BOH to all the questions haha

-When a girl mentioned the 4th season (even if we couldn’t) and everyone said to keep hoping and thanked us for fighting so much during these months and then Rocco said: Yes, thank you very much for the support. Without you it wouldn't have been pos— Everyone: ROCCO !!!!! haha

-When another girl talked about Massimo Reale -Dr. Spera- (referring to the photos he posted from the 4th season’s set) and then Bea said: She just wanted to know the name of Dr. Spera and yes, it’s Massimo Reale xD

-Rocco screaming SBEDEM

Here’s some pics I took at the panels :) 

Everything was AWESOME! I miss them all so much ;;

Please if you want to use one of these pics tag my instagram account:  here

[cent-noah]

Ghost of you [Noah Centineo]

A/N: Yes, I am aware that there is a song with this name, but know that I have never listened to it and I just thought the same suited the fic lol.

Well, so... This is part of Sincerelyfan’s Angst Writing Challenge ( @sincerelyfan​) and I am dying. You have no idea how much I procrastinated to write it and how much I wrote, like, today cause I just had this idea yesterday and I couldn’t stop until it was done. 

So! It’s a little over 2k, but damn, I couldn’t help myself. Hope you all enjoy it and please let me know what you think of it!!

Also... Shout out to @apkavy for keeping me company as I wrote.

It is commonly spread that times heal everything, that as you grow older and get over everything you went through, the open wounds start to close, the scars start to fade until there’s one small pang of hurt inside of you, something that doesn’t even hurt anymore. It just hugs you in a cold embrace, reminding you of what used to be.

If the memories were good, you would smile with it, your heart longing for the time you were happy, for the people that you had in your life. If they were bad, it was like your whole body felt frozen to the place, awaken dreams of terror flowing through you. But what could it be when it was the both of feelings at the same time?

Could it be possible to get over something bad that had happened when the only person that could bring you out of it was the only one you couldn’t have? Would it ever be possible to move on with your life when you don’t have the person that means the most to you by your side? And if it were possible, how long would it take to get your pieces back into a whole being? How many years? One? Two? Five? Forever?

That was something Noah had been asking himself for far too long, his whole being engulfed in what could only be described as a void of feelings. The once happy and spontaneous guy he had been reduced to a pile of bones careless spread over the bed, his once living eyes, so beautifully sparkling under the sunlight held nothing but grief, a dull color now gracing his sharp features.

He had tried to get over it, he had tried to move on with his life and not think of her, not think of that night and just keep going with his life, but, much like he had said to his mother, there was no life without her, there was no reason in living when he couldn’t share anything with her anymore. And that’s what led him to constantly be in the this semi-life, one he couldn’t exactly call that, one that consisted in spending his days drunk, trying to numb the pain that his heart seemed to suffer, trying to forget the feeling of his hollow chest as he stared pointlessly at the walls he was surrounded, the cream color slightly faded before he moved in, the precarious state of the small apartment not really bothering him.

Nothing else could, to be honest. Noah had, willingly, given up all sort of comfort he had before the accident, all sort of support, all sort of sense. He was empty inside and his body was just doing the bare minimum to keep him alive. And he hated it. He hated how he got to live when she died; He hated he had to face everyone on her funeral and explain how it was his fault; He hated that he had to go on without her; He hated everything, but above it all, he hated himself.

He didn’t remember falling asleep that night. In a second he was sitting in front of the TV and the next he was waking up in an empty room, nothing decorating it or giving him any indication of where he was. Maybe this time he had done. Maybe this time he had drank enough to make his liver stop and kill him instantly. Or maybe it was the sleeping pills he had taken a few moments before. Why not even a concoction of the two of them? He could only hope it had worked this time, because he was done trying it.

The lack of activity around him didn’t seem suspicious at all; if there were Heaven and Hell, he surely didn’t make it to Heaven after everything he had done, but he didn’t expect Hell to be this… peaceful and quiet. It was weird having all the room, all that enormous space to himself. What was supposed to happen next?

As if answering his question, there was a small figure further ahead, their frame completely hidden by the distance between them, but he was sure they were making their way to him. Maybe that was Purgatory, he hadn’t exactly known how those things works, but something was definitely going to happen to him.

Noah could have been prepared for years, he could have known everything that would happen to him his entire life but nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared him to who was coming towards him, her angelic face framed by her long hair, cascading down her shoulders in beautiful waves, shining in the white room as they had never. She was wearing her favorite pair of high-waisted jeans and a red tank top with lace adorning her straps and the chest area, something she would wear on any given day. It was her signature.

The chocolate haired man felt his heart skip a beat - had he had one -, his palms sweaty and his eyes widen as he took in her appearance, so beautiful, so serene, a smile on her face as she took the final steps that separated them, her hands slowly reaching for him as if afraid of how he would react to her presence.

“You’re here,” was the first words that came out of Noah’s lips, his voice a little raspy due to the lack of healthy choices he had made while still in life. She nodded, the smile never leaving her face, her bright eyes gleaming under the unknown source of light as she stared at him, but there was something else hidden behind the Y/E/C orbs. “So that means I did it,” he said, his hands taking hold of hers, pulling her closer to him, embracing her in what felt like the longest period of time he had her in his arms.

To feel her chest against him, to feel her arms wrap themselves around him and feel her head nesting right under his chin was too much for him. There was an inevitable lump forming in his throat, closing up his pipes, making it harder to breathe. He could feel the tears start to prick on his eyes, threatening to spill at any time before he could hold them back. His whole body was shaking, in a complete state of euphoria.

“You did what?” she mumbled against his chest, her nose rubbing against the fabric of his t-shirt, inhaling deep his scent, trying to memorize it before she ran out of time.

“I died,” he shrugged. “Didn't think I would be wherever you are, though, but just to see you and hold you is enough for me.”

Y/N took a step back, her eyes blinking a couple of times as she tried to make sense to what had just said. Did he really think he had died? It wasn't what was supposed to happen, it wasn't what had happened. She could still feel his heartbeat, beating steadily against her cheeks, pumping blood into his veins. No, he was very much alive. Her, on the other hand…

“You're not dead,” she said matter-of-factly, her head tilting to the side as she eyes him up and down. He looked way too thin, with deep bags under his eyes and a lack of life in it that she had never seen. He might as well look like a dead person, but she knew he wasn't.

“I'm not…?” his expression was completely surprised. How could he not be if he was with her? “How can it be? You were dead… They told me you were dead!” His distress was visible, the way his hands started running through his hair copiously, messing his brown locks even further. He couldn't understand what was happening. “H-how are you here? I'm probably daydreaming,” he shook his head. “It can't be true.”

Shielding himself away from her, Noah turned his back on the girl, his breath hitching on the back of his throat. He had finally managed to lose his mind.

“Noah,” she whispered, her steps leading her to him once more, her small hands coming in contact with his back in a gentle caress, trying to convey every sentiment she was feeling at the moment. She wanted him to be in peace, she needed him to stay calm. She needed him to understand why she was there. “I am dead,” she sighed. “You, however, is not,” there was a genuine smile on her face as if the fact that he was safe warmed her heart. It did. “You're not gonna die in a long time, babe.”

“I shouldn’t have to,” he croaked, the dryness in his throat back once again, betraying his words. He intended to sound sure, he wanted her to believe that he didn’t deserve to be alive while she wasn’t. “I should be dead. I should be the one buried, I should be the one who didn’t make it that night in the car,” the tears started flowing then, rolling down his sun kissed skin like waterfall, glistening under the beaming lights. He looked desperate, like a small child lost from their parents and Y/N wanted nothing more than to just pull him to her and cradle him in her arms, whispering soothing words into his ear as she told him everything was going to be alright.

And that was what she did. She reached out for him, bringing his much taller frame down to her height, her hands holding his head securely, making him stare into her eyes one more time, telling him everything was going to be alright with just one look. The sobs rocked his body, sending waves down to his feet. She could feel him trembling against her and it pained her, something she didn’t think possible given the fact that she was dead. But, however insane it might have seemed, she felt him, she still felt everything her human body was able to, therefor, it was no use trying to deny all the pain she was going through upon seeing him under that state.

When she felt like he had calmed himself for a bit, not entirely for that wouldn’t be possible, she stroked his cheek tenderly, a small smile on her lips as she looked at his beautiful face and admired it.

“You don’t know what you’re saying, Noah,” she shook her head. “There was no way to change the events of that night and I would rather it didn’t, she sighed. “You have so much to live for, you have so much to do, so much to achieve. I did my part, my mission down there was over, but yours is just getting started.”

Noah shook his head. He couldn’t believe one word she was saying. He couldn’t let himself believe that he was to live without her, that her time was so much shorter than his. She was a far better person, she had big plans for the future, she wanted to do so much. How could he stand there and listen to Y/N saying she had completed her job?

“It’s my fault,” he insisted, the tears once again filling his eyes. At this point, it was useless holding them back, it was useless trying to act as if he was fine. “It’s my fault you ran out of time to accomplish everything you wanted. How can I live with that?”

Y/N took a deep breath, her eyes threatening to spill tears as well as she looked at him. He hadn’t been himself ever since she had died, he hadn’t let himself move on, he hadn’t let himself heal and there he was, telling her that it should have been him instead, blaming himself for what happened when no one was to blame. She chose it. She chose to give him her last breath and save him.

“It was my choice, Noah,” she muttered. “I wanted to see you alive, I wanted to see you grow old, if not with me, then with someone. I loved you too much to let you go, you understand that? I love you too much to let you waste your life they way you have been.”

The silence between them was deafening. Just then, Noah had come to the realization that she had been watching him, she had been watching every single stupid decision he had made and she had, countless times, tried to shout at him, make him stop, beg him to not harm himself. And that was the way she had found to talk to him.

“Yes, baby, I’ve been with you this whole time,” she whispered, her bottom lip trembling as she thought about everything he had put himself through. “And I just want you to be happy. I want you to live your life fully. You have so much to do, so much potential. You’re gonna have a beautiful life, Noah.”

His arms engulfed her in a tight hug, one he didn’t intend of letting go any time soon, one that conveyed every little feeling he had inside of him and she took it. She took it all accepting everything he had to give her, everything she had been missing for the past months, everything she would never be able to feel again.

“I missed you so much,” he cried, his hands running up and down her back, his lips, in a clumsy way, scattering kisses down her face gently.

“I missed you too,” she whispered back, a small sob escaping her lips. It was selfish, but she hadn’t been ready to say goodbye to him until then. “You have to promise me, though,” she started pulling her head back. “You have to promise me that you’re going to move on, Noah. That you’re going to give yourself a better life, that you’re going to pull yourself out of this hole you dug and that you’re be better to yourself. Please.”

Noah sighed. He could never lie to her, he could never tell her that he was going to do something and then do the opposite. And he knew she would find a way to make him do it whether she was alive or not. So he nodded, a certainty in his eyes he didn’t know he had, but for her… For her he would do the impossible.

“Thank you,” she smiled. “And remember I’m always by your side, no matter what. You might not see me, but I’m there, taking care of you.”

“Why does it feel like a goodbye?” he tilted his head, the question making him sound like a kid trying to buy some more time in the playground. “I don’t want you to go.”

“I have to,” she simply said, her feature now a bit more relaxed that she had talked to him. “You’re gonna wake up soon.”

Noah seized Y/N in his arms one more time, his lips slightly touching hers as if it was a sin to do it, caressing her, kissing her so gently she doubted that was ever a touch between them. And then, he let go of her, a new set of tears ready to spill at any moment.

“Life is long, Noah Centineo,” she mused, a smirk on her face as she hoped he understood the reference.

“And you’re still hot, babe,” he completed, a full smile adorning his lips now, staying there until, eventually, everything around him seemed to vanish, slowly, the last thing catching his eyes were her beautiful face.

Noah awoke with a start, the low muttering sound coming from the TV entering his ears the moment he opened his eyes and came face to face with his empty bedroom.

For a moment, he doubted everything, he thought he had put himself through an illusion and that nothing had been real. But then he took a deep breath, the faint smell of her cologne hanging in the air, the tingling sensation in his lips that happened every time he kissed her still felt on his skin. If it hadn’t been real, how come he could still feel her looking at him, her piercing stare daring him to not follow her orders?

There was still a pain in his chest, but it felt so much lighter now, like someone had tended to his injuries and was supporting the burden he was once carrying alone.

A smile appeared on his face without him realizing it. Now he knew she would never let him go. Now he knew she would always pull him back in line. This time, he could do it.

Taglist: @savage-stilinski, @apkavy, @disbestiles, @centxneo, @thebeardedcentineo, @akumakoronso, @baecentineo

[mychameleonsix]

ILY Chapter 6

“Jae where are you?” “Hold on, I’m almost there. Gimme five minutes.” “Hurry up!” I said as I hung up on him. You see today’s a really big day for me, I was invited to present my study at an Asian convention for surgeons. I was allowed to bring a plus one, and at first I really didn’t plan on bringing Jae with me, but the man insisted. I’m already nervous about speaking in front of a huge crowd, so right now’s not the best time for Jae to be running late. The audacity of this guy really, ugh if only I didn’t love him. “Dr. Kang, you’re needed backstage, you’re on in three minutes.” “Alright, I’ll be there in a second.” I sent Jae a text saying that I’m up next, and that he should just find our seat on his own since he came in late. I ran backstage and checked my powerpoint last minute, and had a run down with my prompter for the last time. “Please welcome, Dr. Kang Soobin from Seoul Eunpyong Hospital, here to present her study. Let us give her a big round of applause.” In the middle of my presentation, I saw Jae enter the ballroom and sat beside Jisoo on our table. He gave me a thumbs up and smiled at me. I felt a sudden relief to see him there, somehow making me less nervous.  When I was done, everybody was applauding me, a few stood up and amongst the first ones to get up was, of course, Jae. I’m still kinda pissed that he was late, he knew this was important to me. But I was too happy to care about it anymore. “Ri, you did great! You killed that presentation, everybody was listening intently.” Jae said as I approached them. He immediately enveloped me in his arms and kissed the top of my head. “Thank you! I’m still pissed at you though, I told you not to be late today, Jae.” “I know I know, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you.” Delegates and fellow doctors approached me here and there asking questions and whatnot regarding my study. I felt proud that I was able to pull this off with the short amount of time I actually spent on preparing for today. I’ve been busy with my long duty hours in the hospital that I feel like I’ve neglected this study altogether. But seeing how the crowd was impressed, I feel proud of myself. The event ended a little earlier than expected so I was a bit excited to get home to catch on some sleep. But Jae decided to drag me to somewhere today. “Where are we going?” I said as we were walking towards the parking lot, my hands locked in his. “Nowhere in particular, I just wanna drive around with you tonight. Hit the beach for old time’s sake.” “Alright then.” “Remember when we used to runaway to the beach back in LA. We’ll spend weekends lazying in the sand then go on food trips at night?” “You get me in trouble almost every week because of your spontaneous road trips.” “Oh please you were very willing to go for a drive every time; and your parents love me Ri, you get in trouble for other reasons.” “Yeah right, whatever helps you sleep at night.” He smirked and didn’t say anything after that, he turned the radio on and our favourite Queen song played. We looked at each other and belted out, at the top of our lungs, the lyrics to Killer Queen. After the song ended, another one came on, and then another one, until we finally reached our destination. The sun was starting to set as soon as we parked the car. The mix of orange and purple painted across the sky reflected on the glistening surface of the ocean. The beach was almost empty, with only a few people also staring at the beautiful sunset in front of our eyes. I felt Jae’s arms snake around my waist from behind, his chin resting on my shoulders. The cool August breeze gave me shivers but Jae’s warmth made it bearable. I snuggled against his chest and his hold on me got tighter. “It’s so beautiful” I said admiring the view. “It is, but the one I’m looking at right now is prettier.” Jae whispered in my ear. I turned my head to look at him just as he leaned down to kiss my cheeks, but he missed. So he ended up planting a kiss on the corner of my mouth. I almost laughed at how cliche this moment is but Jae had other things in mind. He turned me around to face him and cupped my cheeks. He brushed the hair away from my face and tucked them behind my ears. I was so lost in staring into his eyes, I didn’t notice him leaning in already. The moment our lips touched, we were in our own little world. He slipped his tongue into my mouth, fighting a battle with mine. His mouth tastes like the blueberry cheesecake we ate at the event, which made me smile against his lips. He pulled away after a few minutes, ending our little make out session with a kiss to my forehead. He grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the seafood restaurant we saw a few stores down. “Let’s go get those lobsters, I’m hungry.” “You and your lobsters.” I said smiling, shaking my head at how excited he is. He’s turning 30 next year but he’s still the same kid I fell in love with when we were 14. *** “Riley you’re here!” Jae said as I entered their studio, with lunch in my hands. 

I had a three hour break today and I was sick of the hospital for some reason so I called Jae if I could come hang for a few hours. Plus, I haven’t seen Jae since that spontaneous beach trip and that was two weeks ago already. He got up from his chair and walked towards me, getting the bags of takeout from my hands. “What brings you here, noona?” Dowoon said. “My next surgery isn’t until 4 this afternoon so I figured I’ll come over to have lunch with you guys.” “So you’re still going back to the hospital later?” Sungjin asked. “Yeah, last surgery for the day, then I have to do rounds after. Then I’ll probably do charts til 11?” “You get off at 11 in the evening?” Wonpil said. “Nah, I can actually go home after my surgery but I have lots to catch up on. It’s my day off tomorrow anyway so it’s fine.” “Is it hard? You know going through med school and now working as a doctor?” Sungjin asked. “Well med school wasn’t easy, broken heart and all. But I had to forget about everything and just focus. I may be on the top of my class but I’m not naturally smart. I had to really study my ass off.” “Broken heart?” Brian asked, interrupting. “Oh didn’t Jae tell you guys our history?” “Oooh spill!” Wonpil said enthusiastically while clapping his hands. “Ya stop prying! You’re making Riley uncomfortable.” Jae said shushing Wonpil up, slapping his shoulders. “No no it’s fine, I can tell this story without breaking down Jae, give me a little credit. I’m stronger than I look.” I gave Jae’s thigh a light squeeze, telling him it’s fine. I really am over everything that has happened before. I mean it’s been years, I’ve been through worse things, it’s not the end of the world. Plus, we’re fine now. At least I think we are. “Uhh, I won’t bore you with the details, I don’t remember them all anyway. But long story short, I’ve always had feelings for this dumbass, and I tried to confess to him during our high school graduation. But we were both drunk then, I doubt he even remembers that...” I stopped and looked over Jae. “You know, I don’t remember that one. You did? At our graduation party? I only remember the other time you confessed.” He said. “Yes I did, but like what I said, Jae and I were drunk. I hardly remember what I said myself. The second time though, I remember clear as day. Jae called me up to meet. We haven’t seen each other for the past two months. I missed him. So when the day came, we met , we had lunch, talked, caught up with each other’s lives, and then he dropped the bomb on me.” “Don’t say it like that. You know I told you my plans months before that day.” Jae said interrupting my story. “I didn’t think you were serious, you never made it look like it was serious.” “Of course it’s serious, I just never thought I’d get the chance to actually do it  so I act like it’s nothing.” “That’s beside the point, Jae. Anyway, so yeah, he dropped the bomb on me about leaving LA to pursue his singing career here in Korea. He told me a week before his flight. A week, guys, that’s seven days before he left me. So I panicked, I wasn’t thinking straight. Right then and there, I blurted it out.” “So you told him you love him?” Wonpil asked. “Love is a strong word, Pil, I think back then the word choice my panicking self chose was along the lines of I-can’t-live-without-you-please-don’t-leave.” “Noona that’s worse!” Wonpil said wide-eyed, while Brian and Dowoon was laughing their asses off. “I know! I regretted the word choice immediately after.” “And what did you say?” Sungjin asked Jae. “I laughed.” “Oh no! You laughed? Hyung. Why’d you laugh?” Brian said. “Because I thought she was joking, I thought she was just telling me, as you know, my best friend. I didn’t think Ri was serious about her feelings. I never thought of her that way before, well until I actually lost her...but that's a story for another day." “What happened after?” Brian asked. “We had a huge fight, ugly crying happened and hurtful words were thrown, I ended up walking out of the cafe. And Jae being his stubborn self, didn’t contact me until an hour before his flight. He called me last minute to say goodbye and that we should talk soon. Which never happened by the way, that was the last time I heard of him. I mean I knew where he was and how he’s doing as an artist; like I see him on social media and of course from his family. But besides that, nada. Zero communication.” “Didn’t you see him when he went back home to visit?” Wonpil asked. “Nope, our schedules never matched. The first time he came home, I was busy with med school. Then I moved to New York, same time I met Ken by the way. The following times he visited home, I was already here in Korea.” “Then why didn’t you visit her a long time ago Jae? Did no one tell you Riley’s here in Seoul?” Sungjin asked. “I knew she was here, I just didn’t know how to approach her. And it’s not like I actually had the luxury of time when we just debuted then.” “Well that’s a lame excuse, hyung.” Wonpil said. “I know.” Jae said and gave me an apologetic smile. No one knew what to say next, so we all fell silent and went back to eating. Immediately after lunch, they continued practicing while I lazed around on their couch. I haven’t seen or heard Jae play since high school. I mean I’ve listened to their songs but to be able to see him play like this, relaxed and carefree, brings so much memories. A loud ring brought me back to my senses, it was my phone. Eunbi, a fellow resident, was calling me. Ugh, what now? “Yes?” “Dr. Kang, you’re needed here asap. Mrs. Jeon from ward 2D relapsed. Asap, unnie!” “Alright I’ll be there in 20 minutes, send me updates.” I said and hung up the phone. “Guys I have to go, I have a patient to attend to.” “Don’t you have two more hours of break?” Jae said. “I do, but duty calls. I’ll see you next time. Bye guys.” I left in a haste, hailed a cab, and minutes later I was running towards my patient’s room. I haven’t even gotten the chance to chill for a few hours but here I am, back to work. I’m not complaining though, the satisfaction that I get after every surgery or every time a patient tells me thank you will never make me quit this job. I love being a doctor, more than anything else in the world.

[collateralfiction]

03

Bailey

My knees nearly gave out, almost causing me to collapse. I felt as if someone ripped my heart out and was forcing me to think logically and without the only emotion I wanted to express. My eyes had to be playing cruel tricks on me. I couldn’t fathom the idea of something this tragic happening and I was the only one to bare some sort of witness to it. My natural instinct was to run and act as if what I just witnessed, wasn’t true. But I couldn’t as my feet treaded softly towards Riley. His eyes looked completely life-less but he was fighting, I know he was. When I was within close enough proximity to him, I searched his body for any signs of a gunshot wound and came up fruitless. His hands were shaking but he did his best at pointing towards his lower abdomen. I breathed deeply, lifting his Supreme sweater up and spotted the wound. Tears forcefully spilled out of my eyes as I screamed for Ryan to come.

Somewhere between my frantic cries and yelling, Ryan had appeared. For a split second, I saw the range of evident sadness and worry in his eyes but just as fast as it came, it vanished and now he looked completely stoic. He picked me up from the ground and ordered for me to call 911. My vision was blurred as I reached into the pocket of my jeans, reaching to pull out my phone. For the life of me, I couldn’t seem to remember my 4-digit combination and I was growing frustrated by the minute. Just by that one gunshot to his stomach, I could see him losing so much blood and it made me wail even louder. Five attempts later, I had finally punched in the right code and was hysterically talking to a 911 operator. “Don’t close your eyes, Riley…” I found myself saying, softly, attempting to shield the true fear I had of this very situation.

A harsh nudge was given to me on the side of my shoulder, bringing me back to reality. I sighed quietly, noticing that I was in my Sociology class with Chance and I happened to doze off without realizing it. I leaned back against the chair while rubbing my eyes. The sad memories of what occurred a few months back began to vividly invade my mind at times when I could do without it. Add that to Rayne’s dream and the mysterious guy I encountered only a few hours ago, my nerves were shot and I began to fear the worst. Every now and then, I would begin to check up on my sister and mother, making sure they were okay via text messaging. I still hadn’t reached out to Ryan but I’m sure he’s fine. This is Ryan we’re speaking about, he’s always fine.

“You good, B?” Chance questioned, passing me a bottle of water. I twisted the cap of water open, taking a long sip of it to calm myself down. The cold liquid slid down my throat and when I had enough, I handed it back to Chance who placed it next to his feet. I nodded my head hesitantly, feeling myself slightly calm down. I highly doubt I was experiencing a panic attack but the memory felt so surreal, as if I was experiencing it right now and reliving the fatal night again. I haven’t been able to talk about that night in a while without tearing up and I don’t know when things will get better and the fears I have will be done with.

“Fine,” I uttered. I took a glance at my phone and noticed it to be nearing the end of class and I quietly packed up, not wanting to be a disturbance to anyone and certainly not the teacher. I finished gathering my things just in time for class to be over and I patiently waited for Chance to gather his stuff and place it in his Supreme bag I bought him last year for Christmas. With so much on my mind, there was only one person I wanted to talk to but you needed to schedule appointments and come in on a scheduled time and day. Nothing spontaneous could be done. “Uh, what do you plan on doing right now?” I spoke.

“Truth be told, I don’t even know. I have no plans, you know how it goes,”

“What I planned on doing, I realized I can’t do so spontaneously so I’m free,”

“Go check up on Ryan,” he suggested.

“I rather not,” I chuckled. We said goodbye to our professor and left the same way we came in. I didn’t have to work at the Day Care today nor did I have any major assignments to complete so I was set for the day with too much freedom if I do say so myself. I would go look for graduation dresses and whatnot but that’s something I reserved for my mother sometime next week. Sleep seemed like the only thing possible at the moment.

“I don’t know how two stubborn people are able to coexist like y’all two do. Shit just doesn’t make sense,” he mumbled. We reached the parking lot and with the key pad, I was able to unlock the door and he easily climbed into the passenger side while I went towards the driver side. Throwing my bag in the backseat, I was reminded of the roses and how Ryan wanted me to call and acknowledge his presence. It would be a perfect thing to do that now but as you can see, I wasn’t going to budge that easily. If I did, Ryan would think it is okay to lie and do whatever he feels is correct when it’s not. However, I do miss him.

“I don’t know either,” I muttered. I started the car up and pulled out of the parking space with ease. “You’re going home, right?” I questioned, coming to a stop light. I turned to look at him and he was already reaching in his pocket for a lighter and a cigarette. I hate that he smokes cigarettes so badly but he knew better to do that in front of me so I had not the slightest clue why he was reaching for them in the first place. “Put it away,” I scolded.

“Alright, mama Banks,” he chuckled. “But, yeah, let me go home before I get in some trouble,” he mumbled.

“Sounds good,” The rest of the ride towards our apartment building was relatively quiet but held a comfortable silence. Silently, I was trying to decode everything that was happening as of late and why exactly it has been happening. If Ryan wasn’t going to let me know some thing then I would have to do the research on my own. That meant talking to my father and finding out things he still remembers and knows about the game. The only problem would be bringing that piece of information to my father. How would he react and what he would do would be my main concern and, knowing that he has a slight attitude problem does not put me in a good mood with me being ecstatic to tell him what’s been going on. I just didn’t have the slightest idea on what to do; I felt like I was in a dead end with no solutions.

Knowing that the mysterious guy knew my name made me nervous as hell. What exactly does that mean for me? I walk around acting as if everything is perfectly fine but apparently, a target is now on my back and I’m fearing the worst of events. If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have been involved in any new plans and I could have been potentially safe. As for Ryan, not so sure. But I know for a fact, by me being there, I was a distraction for that mysterious man. I’m sure they were planning an ambush and with one less man in attendance I could have possibly saved Ryan from a whirlwind of hurt. I indirectly did something good but everything comes with a cost, huh?

“Where you finna go now?” Chance asked as soon as I pulled up to our building.

“Don’t hate me,” I frowned.

“You’re going to see Ryan?” I nodded. “You owe me a home cooked meal for that, just letting you know,” he chuckled.

“Okay,” I whined. With that out of the way, I decided to drive around Harlem in search for Ryan. I know he wasn’t home so my best bet is to check up Rucker Park. It was a best bet to look there since 7 times out of ten, that’s a place for certain you would find him at. I headed straight for that direction, using a short cut Ryan told me about one time. It was sad that I couldn’t be mad at him for too long but I don’t necessarily think of this as giving in. No amount of apologies would suffice however. Once I reached the park, I parked across the street and turned the engine off. Among the crowd of boys, I looked for Ryan and his distinct style.

With my keen eyesight, I was able to spot Ryan out among the plethora of tall men who were having an intense game of basketball. Someone must have took notice of my car and told Ryan about it because all eyes were on me and immediately Ryan stopped the game, carrying the ball with him wherever he went.

I leaned back into the cool leather interior and hoped to God he wouldn’t come near me, although this is the main reason as to why I came here in the first place. Without realizing, I had my tote in my lap, rummaging for my favorite lip gloss. Once in my hand, I quickly applied a second layer of it and looked in the mirror, making sure not a strand of my natural hair was out of place. From the corner of my eye, I could see him approaching my car so I tried my best to act normal and as if nothing weird was occurring.

Or that I was sprucing up because he was coming.

That obviously meant I’d be playing with my phone, acting as if someone was contacting me.

Three knocks were placed to my window and I mentally rolled my eyes. This was the car of my dreams he was knocking on. Need I remind him, he needs to watch it? Rolling down the window, I smirked upon seeing his handsome face. Beads of sweats glistened his face and his braids. Nonetheless, he still appeared to look amazing. “Yes?” I asked, arching my eyebrows.

“Come out the car and watch me play,” he said, nodding towards the court. He thinks that he can easily bypass a situation and not acknowledge the big Elephant in the room.

“I wish I could but I won’t,” I smirked.

“So, you came all the way down here and wasn’t ‘bout to acknowledge me?” he chuckled, extending his hand further into my vehicle and unlocking the door with ease. Shaking my head at his actions, I allowed for him to open my door and softly pull me out of my seat. Since the street wasn’t filled with numerous cars and it was a spring day, he easily placed me atop my car and stood between my legs, wrapping his arms firmly around my waist. “I ain’t receive any answer yet…” he trailed off. “Nor did I get a thank you for them flowers either,”

“There’s a lot of things you ain’t receive answers to,” I said smartly. “But thank you,”

“Alright, alright. You still mad at me?” he questioned, making me look up at him.

“Hm, let’s see. You took me to the one place I rather never go by, you made me walk in, you allowed me to sit outside while you conducted business and then, you won’t even tell me what happened in there. So, yes. I am mad. Very mad,”

“It’s nothing serious so you don’t need to be worried ‘bout it, alright?” If that’s the case then I won’t mention what happened outside of the office and that’s a huge risk I would be taking. With a simple head nod, I gave him an answer that didn’t require me to use my tongue. “You look nice today,”

“Just nice?” I scoffed.

“Your spoiled ass always think I’m supposed to go up and beyond with a compliment for your ass. I don’t hear you complimenting me,” he whined causing me to chuckle.

“You look… like a regular Harlem nigga,” I continued to laugh. Sucking his teeth, he unraveled his arm from around my waist and stood back.

“Fuck that shit,” he chuckled. “I’ll check up on you later, alright?” Gripping his shirt tighter, I pulled him back into my embrace and puckered up my lips. “What? What’s wrong with your lips?”

“Give me a kiss, asshole!” I said playfully. Licking his plump lips, he pressed his lips to mine, easily dominating and making me succumb to his very touch. Sucking on my bottom lip slowly, I moaned into the kiss lowly before breaking it up. “You play all day,” I said, gently wiping the corners of his lips, ridding the strawberry scented lip gloss I had on. However, doing all of that was in vain because he pecked my lips right after causing a smile to surface on my face.

“So, we’re good?” he asked.

“Not until you tell me what’s up,” I said, to which he sucked his teeth. I pushed him away gently and hopped off the hood of my car. He nodded slowly and watched as I slid back into the driver side of the car, locking my side of the door afterwards. “Call me tonight,” He nodded once more before jogging back across the street and into the court. As much as I can claim to dislike Ryan for the day, I end up going against my words because it’s not true. I love him way too much to hold hate for him in me. He just needs to be more open towards me and then I can do the same. Feeling much better, I finally decided to head home and get some shut eye.

__

The aroma of a home cooked burger wafted into the air of the spacious kitchen my mother took extra time and energy to craft and construct. Aside from her owning a day care, she also known around town as an interior decorator. If it was one thing I learned from my mother was to remain versatile; never be one dimensional. I busied myself with my 50% charged iPhone as she scrambled across the kitchen in search of her favorite spice. Rayne decided that she wanted to surprise mommy so here we were. Our actions alone caused for a widespread smile to break out on my mother’s face. However, when we arrived, Rayne decided it would be best if she took a nap so she went up to her old bedroom to lay down and I stayed downstairs, serving as entertainment for my mother.

As much as I claim to hate Instagram, I found myself scrolling through everyone’s post, finding some sort of amusement in the things they posted. I wasn’t even the one to set up an account, it was Rayne and she doesn’t even use hers! “How’s Ryan?” My mother’s chipper voice interrupted me from my train of thought as I took a quick screenshot of something I found hilarious and thought Chance would relate to it as well.

“Ryan is Ryan,” I said blandly.

“Well, what’s that supposed to mean?” she inquired.

“There’s no other way to put it,” I shrugged, locking my phone. “You’ve known him for how long now? There’s no difference in the one you met years ago and him now,” I truly did believe my mother wished the best for Ryan and me together as a couple but I knew she would have preferred for us to be friends instead. It was my father cosigning this relationship more than my mother. Whatever the case may be, it is what it is and my mother will stand by this relationship until it falls apart.

“You sure? You don’t even sound like you want to talk about him,” she stated.

“Not true. I’m just not the happiest with him right now,”

“What’s up?” she questioned, leaning against the counter. “You can tell me about it,” I had to be very precise in what I decide to tell my mother and how I tell her as well. I don’t want to get her all riled up and cause her to jump the gun before we all know the full extent of the situation. I’m acting nonchalant about everything as if I’m going to remain safe but for how long? I need to take pre-caution but I don’t want to scare anyone at the same time. If I were to tell Ryan, he would do something irrational and cause more problems to evolve. I need to know something first from him before I go run and tell my family.

“I know that, ma,” I mumbled. “I just know Ryan is hiding something from me and he doesn’t want to tell me what exactly,” I expressed.

“You know for a fact? How?”

“Well, I confronted him about it and he told me that he’ll tell me later about it. He said that knowing I would either forget or he would slip past it, but I don’t want that to be the case,” Ryan has had plenty of opportunities to let me know when something isn’t right and he chooses not to. When it’s too late, that’s when he’ll regret it and wish he could have done something sooner. “I think he’s in deep trouble and there’s a possibility it leads to his brother’s death,”

“Where’d you get that conclusion from?” she said, taking a sip of her herbal Tea. I sometimes wonder how my mother got caught up in a world like this. She surely had to know what my father was involved in by the time he decided to propose. As far as I was informed, my mother’s life was completely normal before being involved with my father and now, things have definitely changed, for all of us.

“It’s just subtle things I take note of,” I shrugged. “And it’s been like that since the funeral. Ryan said he isn’t planning to do anything drastic, but can I really take his word on it? He’s impulsive and makes rash decisions too quickly for me to check him on it so how do I know he’s being truthful and not getting into some deep shit?” Whenever I was venting to my mother or father, they allowed me to curse to show how frustrated I was, although I tried to curve it most of the time and be respectful about things. “I don’t know. I’m just getting this gut feeling and I’m scared,”

“For him or you?” she went on to ask.

“Uh, both,”

“That doesn’t sound too good, does it?” my mother chuckled bitterly.

“Not at all,” I frowned. “What should I do?”

“Besides talking to your father about it, let Ryan know as well. If there is something in your gut that you’re not feeling, you need to let someone know because your instincts might be correct. You might alarm a few people, including me, but it’s for your best interest. Start speaking up on issues like that,” she spoke clearly so I understood. “And don’t think for a second I didn’t pick up on you excluding information from your mom,” she said, pointing her perfectly done nails in my face. Nothing gets past her but for now, what I have to say will remain a secret until further notice.

“I know, ma,” I laughed. I slid off the stool and stretched. By siting in one place for thirty minutes alone, I was starting to feel fatigued. The couch seemed like the perfect getaway for me to be in, so I simply excused myself from my mother and rolled onto the comfortable, plush couch with my face in the soft pillows. I rested my phone besides my ear in case of a phone call and stared at the mute television. Complete silence encompassed the whole entire house and it did put a sense of peace over my head as I breathed slowly. With graduation in less than three weeks, Ryan’s usual bullshit and the newfound paranoia I have over someone I don’t even know the name of, stress was my middle name.

“There’s a pulse,” The EMT said causing me to release a sigh of relief, for the moment. Inside of the cramped ambulance was only Ryan and myself but I felt like there were way more people causing slight panic to occur within me all over again. So far, the only thing the EMT’s were able to do was keep Riley conscience by continuing to talk to him. Plain and simple, it was a struggle for Riley to keep his eyes open, so I wasn’t expecting him to maintain a conversation. Thinking he only got shot in one area, it turned out to be three and due to the adrenaline, he wasn’t able to feel the other two spots; one a few centimeters near the first and another one to his leg. An oversized sweater was draped around my body as the hood rested on top of my head. I could barely turn my head to look in Riley’s direction and every time I did, I felt tears forming in the corner of my eyes, waiting to be released.

Closing my eyes tightly, I rested my head on my lap the whole duration of the lengthy ride. There was slight mumbling besides me. I didn’t pick up my head to see what it was about since Ryan was acting distant at the moment. I can’t seem to fathom how much pain he’s going through emotionally but he’s keeping up with appearances to make it seem like he’s alright. It didn’t click till he grumbled ‘mama’ that I figured out what all the grumbling was due for. He was indeed talking to someone and his mother in fact.

“St Luke,” he mumbled. “I love you too, ma,”

“Your burger, sweetheart,” A groan passed my lips as I turned my head away from the great smelling food. The nap I imagined for barely lasted a good twenty minutes. Every time I tried to take a nap, I would end up reliving moments of that specific night. It happened earlier in class and now it’s reoccurring right now. I don’t know what to think. I’m traumatized. “Wake up ‘cause I don’t cook all the time for y’all now,” she threatened.

“Mommy, I’m sleepy!” I whined, burying my face in the softness of the couch. “Wake me up much later,” I sighed.

“Wake up now, Marie!” She yelled, calling me by my middle name. I turned my head just in time to see the plate being placed besides me with two beef patties, fries and a burger. I grinned slightly and sat up, bringing the plate to me. My mother left me to be alone while I ate and occasionally she would come back to check on me and give me something to drink when I asked. My sister had come downstairs a little while after with her curly hair looking disheveled as ever. I thought I was a bad sleeper, but she definitely takes the cake.

“Morning, sunshine,” I laughed.

“Ugh, shut up,” she said, plopping besides me. “Did you get the email?”

“On visiting days?” I inquired.

“Yes,”

“Then yes. Uh, I’m going to try and make it out there as soon as possible,” I sighed. “As early as it’ll be, I need to see him before I graduate,” Unfortunate for most of the women in my father’s life, we have had to do without him for three years. His departure from us was nothing easy to handle and it has been rough on us as a family to stick together and show that we’ll be fine. My father was the glue that kept everyone together and with him not around, it made things a little bit tougher. My dad was charged with larceny and embezzlement, so he’s been serving his time ever since I was eighteen. Whenever we get the chance to visit him, that’s the first thing on our list of priorities. It’s just so disheartening at seeing him in that light. He’s missed a lot of things in such a short amount of time and it’s sad that he won’t be able to see me graduate from college – something he wasn’t able to do.

“Sorry he can’t make it, sis,” she said.

“It’s alright,” I shrugged. “I knew what it was before it even happened. I was already prepped for it,” I shrugged.

“Yeah but it’s still sad,” she muttered, toying with the ends of her hair.

“I guess,” This was obviously something I wasn’t too interested in talking about. It was something I didn’t want to discuss, at all. “Anyhow, which day are you going on?”

“I figure it should be separate, at least for mommy sake. So, she and daddy can have their time and we can go together on a separate day. What do you think?” she inquired. I nodded in agreement before placing my plate on top of the mini table in front of us. “What’s wrong?” she continued to ask. As much hiding in secrecy I can do from my mother or even Ryan, Rayne knew me like the back of her hand. When I was clearly distracted or didn’t say much, that obviously meant something was wrong with me and my sister picked right up on it.

“I’m in danger,” I said blankly. I slapped my hand over her mouth before she had a chance to say anything else. I didn’t need her being melodramatic and I didn’t want to cause any attention from our mother. The less she knows now, the better. I still have a few things to learn before telling multiple people on my conclusion. The only reason I told Rayne was because of how persistent she was. I just hope she doesn’t take that and run with it. I need to know that this piece of information will remain held a secret until further notice. “Do not say anything,” I stated sternly. “I will kick your ass if you do,” I threatened.

“So you think this is something you should keep in secret?!” she questioned harshly, slapping my hand away.

“I told you, didn’t I?” I questioned. “So no, it’s not in secrecy. However, I do not need you running your mouth to everyone you see because at the end of the day, my conclusion might not be true. It’s a theory,”

“A serious one at that!” she retorted.

I sighed tiredly and nodded. “Well, that has been noted already,” I muttered. “Thank you for taking notice,”

“Sarcasm, very funny,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I can’t believe you’re acting so nonchalant,”

“What? ‘Cause I’m not acting like how you and mommy would? Oh please,”

“Exactly my point,” she said.

“Well, I act more like daddy and I’m calm until I have no choice but to be,” I stated surely.

“Well, doesn’t that sound smart,” she scoffed, briskly walking away. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything to her; now she’s mad at me. Huffing dramatically, I stood up and went to say my farewell to my mother. I couldn’t stay here as long as I thought I would and it bothers me that my sister’s attitude is affecting me. It took me over an hour to say goodbye to my mother and my sister wasn’t the happiest that we were leaving all of a sudden. I didn’t care however. When we came back home, I parked the car and we took the stairs instead of the elevator. By the time Rayne and I reached our apartment door, we were both shocked to see who was standing in front of our door causing us to bump into one another.

This can't be a good sighting.

[looselucy]

January

“The Tuesday lecture didn’t feel right without you.” Ed spoke quietly. Wednesday, 2pm. We had been to our lecture, and we were now sat in a coffee shop in the centre of town. I hadn’t cried for around 24 hours, which was good. I was doing pretty well, but I definitely wasn’t the life or soul of any party.

I had told Ed what happened when I first got to the lecture. Unlike a lot of cases, I wasn’t hiding what had happened with my parents, from anyone. It was so obvious that I was upset, it just made sense for me to tell people why. I didn’t have anything to hide. It felt better to just say it. The whole thing was horrible, I didn’t also want to make it a weight on my shoulders. “Good.” I chuckled, blowing my coffee. “I knew you would be lost without me.” “I was.” He grinned and laughed. “I’ve got another gig coming up. You gunna come?” “Of course.” I could see he had been trying to make the conversation as light-hearted as he could, but the dark cloud of what I had told him was looming, and he couldn’t ignore it anymore. “Are you okay?” He asked. “I just feel a bit weird.” I said honestly. “A bit... empty, if that makes sense.” “Yeah, it does.” He took a sip. “My mum text me last night, after the phone-call, telling me about how sorry she is and how they’re going to get a divorce. Apparently, my dad has been seeing this other woman for like, two years. She lives like three streets away or something, my mum knows her. It’s just so weird. I thought they had like… the best relationship ever. I just feel so bad for her. My dad hasn’t even text me or anything either. I’m just... I’m really confused.” It felt good talking about it so honestly. The day before when I was with Zayn, I just kept choking up. I had eased a bit, and I was finally saying everything that had been running through my head. I was grateful that the day before when everything went down, Zayn didn’t have a lecture, even though I knew if he did have a lecture he wouldn’t have gone. He stayed by my side all day and made countless cups of tea. I loved him dearly for it. I knew Ed was struggling with what to say back to me, but bless him, he was trying. “Families are fucked up.” He concluded. I thought about Harry, straight away. I thought about all his comments about families being that way, and how mad I had got whenever he said it. Now I agreed. It was such a sharp turn. “They are.” I sighed. “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” He said after another sip. “I find it weird, y’know? I feel like, with divorces and stuff, if it doesn’t happen when you’re really young like, it’s not going to happen. Know what I mean? I forget it actually happens to people our age. It’s surreal.” I downed the remainder of my coffee, which had still been piping hot, and it was incredibly strong, but it felt like I had been running on coffee over the day, when it was never usually my drink of choice. “I never asked you.” I gulped. “What’s your family like?” “As fucked up as the rest.” He sniffed. “Go on.” “I live with my dad. I don’t even remember the last time I saw my mum. She ran off with some guy when I was umm... seven, I think. Rarely see her. She’ll send me texts every few months like, telling me about her life. Like that makes up for anything. She’s a complete bitch. I don’t even want to see her.” “Do you think this stuff mentally fucks people up for the rest of their lives?” I asked worriedly. “Course it does.” He confirmed my thoughts. “But it happens to ninety nine percent of the world, so you’ll just be like everyone else. Don’t worry.” I laughed a little and nodded along, because in a way, he was right. This was just going to make me more normal, in a weird way. This being sad, being confused, it would pass, and I could be just like everyone else. The thought of that made me need another coffee. “I’m never gunna put my kids through that.” I told him confidently. “When I get married and have kids, that’s it. I know it. I’m gunna be happy and they’re gunna be happy. That’s all I need. I can do that. I can.” “If anyone can, it’s you.” That was one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to me. My bottom lip quivered, a mixture of being flattered and sad, and I was so overwhelmed by everything I almost burst into tears right there and then. The only thing that stopped me from breaking down, once again, was the look of terror on Ed’s face. H was definitely one of those people who couldn’t deal with people crying. I figured that was one of the reasons I met him that day. I was trying to make that fact subconsciously hold me together. It was working. I noticed him panicking and I rapidly washed air over my face using my hand to fan myself, gulping hard and pulling myself together. “Fuck this.” My voice was shaking. “God, I need to pull myself together.” “You should be sad, Pip. It would be weird if you weren’t.” “No, I know. But I can’t just keep crying. Because in a month I’ll be like, urgh, remember that stage when I couldn’t stop crying? So rather than that, I need to just be strong. I can be strong through this. I’m nearly nineteen for crying out loud. I don’t want to cry all the time.” Ed just stared at me for a while like he was trying to figure me out. I just wanted to be strong. I wanted to change. I had always been so dramatic and overemotional, and it had taken my mum telling me my dad was a cheating bastard to realise I needed to change. I wanted to change. I didn’t want to crumble and cry myself to sleep over it every night, which was what I felt like doing, but I couldn’t be that way. I wanted this to be that substantial life event that made me change and be a bigger, better person, not a weaker one. I couldn’t even believe that was the way I was thinking about things. “You’re already being stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for.” Ed told me after finishing his drink. “Just don’t feel bad about crying. It’s a good thing.” “I guess.” “You’ll be good. You’ll be fine.” “I hope my mums okay.” I mumbled more to myself. “She’ll be fine too.” He promised. “I need to speak to Liam.” “Isn’t there any way you can get in touch with him?” “Well he’s had this rubbish little phone that he’s used for texting, but I tried to ring it the other day and it wouldn’t connect. He’s probably lost it. He always used to ring me from phones in hotels and hostels and stuff. He’s not easy to track down.” Like a flash of lightning, something clicked in my head. “Oh god. I think he already knows!” Ed looked as confused as I felt, but all I could think about was my phone-call with Liam the day before my mum rang, and of course he bloody knew. “What?” “I spoke with him, he said about mum being sad. Shit. I think that’s why he’s coming home!” She must have told him, and I could have put money of the fact he didn’t have the heart to tell me, or my mum had asked him to keep it quiet until she told me herself. That was the real reason he was coming home. It had to be. That made me even sadder. Liam had such a golden heart, because it was more than likely that he wanted to continue crossing the world, but he had to come home, for her. He would probably share a bloody house with her, the two of them would probably start paying rent together. That’s just what he was like. “So, your brothers coming home?” Ed asked. “Yeah, I just didn’t bloody realise that was why!” “This is intense!” He breathed. It was. Heart wrenching, really. Not much was ever going to bring Liam home, and he was speaking about coming home for good. Because Liam always had the same idea as I did when it came to our parents, I think even my mother did. They were painfully in love, as far as the three of us had been aware. I knew that was another reason I didn’t want to feel too sorry for myself. Whatever I was going through, my mum was going through the same thing, times a million. “Bless him.” I mumbled to the floor. I couldn’t look up to face him again as I tried to hold myself together, my whole body shaking like I was outside in the cold. Ed took that in right away. “Do you want another coffee?” He asked coyly. I smiled downwards, one tear dropping, but that was all I gave, before I looked back up, wiping my sleeve across my cheek. “Yes please.” I sighed. + + + I slumped into our flat feeling absolutely exhausted, seriously considering a nap since I knew we would be going out again. I hadn’t drank since the information was dropped on me, and I was extremely worried about what drunk Pippa’s reaction was going to be. But I was bound to find out, and it was better to do it sooner rather than later. But before I could even slump off into my room, Zayn opened his bedroom door wide, just in sweatpants, his eyes tired. He had definitely just woken up from a nap. I was jealous. “Hey.” I smiled, opening my door. “Are you okay?” He asked, completely alarmed right away. “Yeah, I’m fine, honestly. Just want a nap.” “C’mon then.” He nodded his head into his room. “Huh?” “Come nap with me. I’m exhausted.” “You look like you’ve just woke up.” I smiled. “I have, and I’m about to fall back asleep again, so come on.” Zayn was a cuddler, I was a cuddler, and it wouldn’t be the first time we had napped together. So in I strolled. I was very aware of the fact Zayn’s nap had been uneasy thanks to the fact he was just waiting for me to get back and see that I was okay. It continued to surprise me how close we were, how in those few months, he was suddenly the best friend I’d ever had. It had gotten even better since Grace left, although that still broke my heart. In a way, it had pushed us further together, and I was weirdly thankful for it. He got on his bed first, keeping the thick sheet up until I tucked in with him. He innocently spooned me, and my eyes fell shut as soon as my head hit the pillow, seconds away from falling asleep instantly. “Hey, Pip, guess what?” Zayn whispered soothingly. “Mm?” “I spoke with Louis today.” “Oh, really? I was hoping he might have spontaneously-combust by now.” Zayn let out a low chuckle as he tucked in closer to me, nuzzling into his bed and into my hair. I kind of wanted to pretend to be asleep if he was talking about Louis, but if anything, I woke up a little. “Y’know how he wouldn’t sleep with you before Christmas?” “Yeah?” “It was because of his girlfriend. He was saying he was going to break up with her over the break, but he pussied out.” “Huh. No way. I suppose that’s slightly redeeming. He’s still a complete prick and I hate him.” “I know! Just, explains why he wouldn’t sleep with you then. Weird, right?” “Very.” We snuggled into the silence again, my head heavy and completely comfortable. I had never been so glad to be sharing a single bed before. Nothing else was said before we fell asleep, and I realised one of the reasons I was coping so well, was because I was there, at uni, with my friends. I didn’t have to be in the middle of the breakup, I didn’t have to be at home with them. At that point, I never wanted to go home again. + + + Myself, Zayn, Mike and Tally sat drinking in the kitchen. It was actually kind of weird. I hadn’t wanted to mention it, since it was me, but there was definitely a noticeable lack of presence without Harry there. Even though when he first arrived, he didn’t seem to want to make any effort with us, he had quickly become a part of the foundations of our group. It felt a bit odd him not being there. I just knew Tally would ask why at some point, which saved the embarrassment of me asking. I had been waiting for that moment. It finally arrived. “So,” She choked. “Why-Where’s Harry?” “In his room.” Mike said bluntly. “No, but... why isn’t he coming out?” “Doesn’t want to miss another lecture.” Zayn said between sips. “He’s in at nine.” “That’s very... responsible of him.” “You’re fucking obsessed!” Mike scoffed. Tally attempted to throw an empty packet of crisps in his face, but it only got so far, falling gently to the floor as Mike watched the packet drop with dead eyes, before looking back up to her and shaking his head, disappointed in her attempts. “Leave me alone!” She groaned. “You are a little bit though.” “So what? You’re obsessed with every single girl you’ve ever met.” “At least I admit it.” He grinned. “Oh shut up, you two!” Zayn grunted. “Let’s just ring a taxi and go. You’re exhausting me.” “I’m only messing.” Mike cooed. Tally stuck her finger up at him and then pulled her phone out of her bag, ringing the taxi company we always used. I had been relatively quiet throughout pre-drinks, to be honest. I had concentrated more on the music that played dully in the background of the many conversations that had flown about all evening. I had just sat and drank, occasionally chipping in and saying something, but not even close to how rowdy I usually was during that time. Thankfully, they all knew not to bring that up, not to mention that to me, because I would feel even worse. It was better to just let me wallow for a little while. I guess I wasn’t even necessarily sad, just a little lost. Things continued that way. I would lowly laugh at their jokes and try my best to join in before the taxi rang informing us they were outside, and we all stood ourselves up and began making our way out of the flat. Zayn lingered at the back, making sure to grab hold of my arm and hold me back as Mike and Tally began trotting down the stairs. “You sure you’re okay?” He whispered outside Harry’s door. “Yeah I’m fine.” I smiled back. “You sure you’re up for this?” “Definitely!” I cried. “I need this. I just need something to distract me, y’know? Staying in with my thoughts wouldn’t do me any favours. Get me a drinking and get me dancing.” He looked like he didn’t believe me, but he tucked his lips into his mouth and nodded, and I pulled away from him before he could say anything else and get me crying. I just wanted to be very drunk in Thimble, that would be the easiest way to forget how rubbish I was feeling. We began trailing down the stairs in silence, and I must have been half way down before I realised I didn’t have my bag slung over my shoulder. “Bollocks.” I whispered to myself before turning around. “Can I borrow your key? I need to get my bag.” Zayn passed his keys over, which featured a keyring of a little picture of Zayn and myself drunk and adorable in Thimble, which made me smile to myself even though I had seen it a million times before, as I darted back up the stairs. I unlocked the door and stormed quickly down to the kitchen, a little taken aback when Harry was stood next to the boiling kettle. I clutched at my heart, having not expected a presence there. “Bloody hell!” I gulped. “You nearly gave me a heart attack.” He didn’t say anything, so I quickly went back to retrieving my bag, throwing in my phone and my purse and then slinging it over my shoulder, gulping hard again. Just as I was about to leave, he spoke. “Hope you have a shit night without me.” I stopped and turned around, glaring at him through thin eyes, just about holding in a small smile. “It will probably be ten times better without you there, Harry.” “I really doubt that.” He smirked. “Well, we shall see.” I left without saying anything else, shaking my head, but still smiling with my face to the floor. Harry had been right, maybe sometimes it was a little fun, the digs we would make at each other. But at the same time, a night out without him sounded ideal. + + + I waited until Zayn was in the toilet before I belted out of the front door of Thimble. It must have been around 3am, and I was absolutely wasted. I was tripping over myself, I felt like I was going to throw up every ten seconds, but I was just about holding it in. It was when I realised I could barely even dance without falling over, that I should go home. For some reason, I had decided to make that journey on my own. I don’t know why, maybe I didn’t want to cut anyone else’s fun short, I’m not too sure, but the second I was out of Zayn’s sight I made a run for the door. One thing I definitely didn’t make sense, was why I decided to walk home rather than get a taxi, even though there was £10 sitting in my purse for such a reason. Either way, I set off walking. I must have been around half way home when I heard someone yelling. I was comforted by the fact it was a females voice. If it was a male, I probably would have cried and gotten all paranoid, but it was definitely a female. I turned around to see a girl with a pair of heels in hand running up to me, her skirt riding up as she went. I came to a standstill and waited for her to catch up with me. “Hi!” She said, a little breathless. “I was walking home on my own and then I saw you walking home on your own and I figured it would be better if we walked home alone together. So not alone.” I stumbled back a little and nodded, swallowing back another round of sick, but already feeling a little better since it was the first time in hours I didn’t have an alcoholic beverage in my hand. The girl noticed my state pretty quickly and grabbed hold of my hand, then began leading the way to campus. We stumbled along in silence for a while, and I noticed she kept looking down to my feet, so I stared at her with drunk, tired eyes, waiting for an answer as to why. “You should take your heels off.” She told me. “But the floor is all wet and cold.” “No no it’s good, take them off. C’mon.” She stopped us both and bent down herself to unzip my shoes so I could step out of them easily. But to be fair, she was absolutely right. The floor was cold, but it only took a few seconds for the bottom of my feet to become accustom to it, and then we were off, my heels clutched in my left hand, my right hand linked with hers. We walked quietly for a while before I took in the fact I was holding hands with a girl I didn’t even know. “What’s your name?” I slurred. “Ronnie.” She said with a lopsided smile. “What’s yours?” “Pippa.” “Oh cuuuute. That’s a cute name.” “Thanks.” I smiled. “Are we officially friends now?” She asked hopefully. “Yes. Yeah. Definitely.” As far as I was concerned, we were. There wasn’t much else I needed to create a friendship than learning someone’s name, holding their hand and getting a good impression. Ronnie ticked all those boxes. “I’m guessing you’re a student, yeah?” She asked. “Mhm.” “What halls are you in?” “I’m in Rainbow Court.” I told her. “Ohhhh I’m sooooo jealous. I’m in Zoo Court. And zoo is perfect for it, full of fucking animals, it’s practically a cage. Eww. It’s awful.” “Yeah my friend lives there!” I beamed happily, tripping over the curb. “Do you know Ed?” “I don’t think so.” “He’s cute and ginger.” “YES! I’VE SEEN HIM! He’s the only ginger in the building.” Ronnie was adorable in every way, I figured. She had gorgeous dark skin, her lips were painted bright pink, and she just looked amazing. I think I drunkenly fell in love with her, just a little. I also really appreciated the company, I automatically felt safer. “He’s amazing. You should be his friend.” “Okay okay, I will.” We chatted casually and drunkenly between each other until we were at the front door to my building, knowing hers were only a couple of minutes walk away from her flat, but either way, I felt a sudden need to make sure she got back okay. “Alright, give me your number so you can text me when you’re back safe.” She grabbed my phone out of my hand and dialled herself, saving my number straight away and then skipping off down the path, like the happy little ball of sunshine she was. “I LOVE YOU, DRUNK, WALKING FRIEND!” She yelled over her shoulder. Before I could even return the declaration of love, she was gone. I saved her in my phone and slumped into the building and into the lift, only just noticing a text from Zayn. Zayn: You enter be safe I seat to god Pippa you’re a fucking nightmar I lub your. I felt bad for leaving him without saying anything, so I quickly text him back saying that I was fine, or something along those lines, so that he didn’t have to spend the rest of his night worrying about me. By the time I was in the kitchen, with the kettle full and boiling, my body limp on the sofa, Ronnie text me saying she was alive and well. I put my phone down, and I think it all just hit me then, all the drunken tears I had been holding in all night decided to spill there and then, and I completely collapsed. I began blubbering, hiding my face with my trembling hands as it all fell from me, the things I had locked up and hoped not to feel for just one fucking night, or ever again, really. It was loud, and ugly, but I couldn’t stop. I kept wiping away at my face, seeing the black mascara on the back of my fingers, very aware of how much of a mess I looked, but it was this unstoppable flow of tears. I was broken. I knew that was the peak of it for me, and in a way, that made me feel better. That night, was going to be the worst of it. That was the lowest I would be. The kettle had boiled long ago, but I still sat weeping on the sofa when I heard a bedroom door open. Harry appeared out of the dark hallway, just in black sweatpants, his face low as he stood staring at me in the doorway. But before he could say anything, I barked. “Please don’t start, Harry. I’m not in the mood.” I just about held myself together to say. “Please just leave me alone. I want to be left alone. I cannot be arsed with you saying anything to me. Just leave me alone.” I buried my face back into my hands and avoided seeing his reaction, trying to breathe in and calm down, but by the time I breathed back out it was a blubber of tears. There must have been a minute of silence, if not two, and I was hoping he had left, he had quietly gone back to his room without another word and just left me be like I had asked him to. But that just wasn’t the case. What came instead, was the biggest blowout me and Harry had ever had. I heard him clear his throat before he spoke, so I dropped my hands to see him. “If you want a little privacy, maybe you shouldn’t cry in the kitchen.” He smirked sarcastically. “Just saying.” My face fell as I watched him slump off into his bedroom without a care in the world. There was no way Harry could have been that dense, to not realise it really wasn’t the time to make some kind of shitty comment to me. He needed to leave me alone. I had asked him to leave me alone. He knew my situation, he knew what I was going through, he knew how hard I had taken it. I couldn’t believe that he’d said something, when I had just about managed to ask him to leave it, just for the night. He couldn’t even do that. As soon as I heard his bedroom door click shut, I absolutely flipped. I screamed, actually screamed as I pushed to my feet and charged to his door. My screaming stopped when I tugged on his door handle, finding it locked. I was going insane. I started pounding on his door with a tight fist, yelling as I went. “OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR, STYLES. I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU! YOU’RE A PRICK, I HATE YOU. OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR AND SAY THAT AGAIN!” I continued banging, but I heard no reply. He was giving me nothing and that felt even worse. I was so wound up, almost ready to hit him if he showed his face. I was so drunk and upset and angry I needed to see him and yell in his face, I just needed to. Still, he didn’t answer. So I kicked his door. The rattle was so much louder, so much more intense, so threatening and harsh. I kicked hard, relentless, my fists gripped by my side and my face scrunched, unleashing kick after kick after kick. But when Harry finally opened the door, that changed. He flung it open, and the look on his face was so dark and hostile, I cowered automatically, backing away from him so I was further towards the kitchen, my heart in my throat. But he pounced. In no time whatsoever he had me up against Ringo’s door, his forearm pushed up against my throat, trapping me against the wood. My eyes wide, shaking and scared, trapped between him and the wood behind me, alarmed as I stared up to him. I’d never seen an anger like that before. Not from anyone. ”DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING DARE KICK MY DOOR AGAIN!” He screamed. “WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” Tears slipped down my face as I stared up to him, grateful he wasn’t pushing his arm hard enough to hurt me, but definitely enough to threaten me. He didn’t want to hurt me, but just scare the living shit out of me, and it was working. Because he could have hurt me, if he really wanted to. He looked like he was ready to kill, but at the same time he looked sick, pale and shaking and lost somewhere within his mind. I had no idea what I had done to stir that reaction in him, why it had gotten so out of hand. His fist tightened, but before he could take it too far, the door behind me flung open, and I tumbled inside, crawling backwards to get away from the him. He stared down to me on the floor with hatred in his eyes before Ringo slammed the it shut and locked it, pressing her back against it, looking down to me on the floor, utterly haunted by what she’d just seen. I collapsed back down to the floor, my eyes staring up to the ceiling as I burst into tears again, shaken and scared. + + + It was confusing waking up in a room that was almost identical to mine, just a little bit backwards and decorated differently. That completely threw me. It wasn’t like it was familiar to me, like Zayn’s room. It was a room I had never been in before, but it was somehow homely. I sat upright almost immediately, pulling the sheets up and taking a deep breath in, looking around and trying to piece together the night before, which didn’t take me long. What had happened was hard to forget. A few moments later, the door gently opened, but it still made me jump and shiver as Ringo walked into her room, a cup of tea in hand. “Hi.” I whispered breathlessly. “Hey.” She smiled kindly. “I made you tea. I… I see you drink a lot of tea.” She placed it down on the floor next her bed, which I still couldn’t believe I had found myself in, and then went and sat on the chair beside her desk, looking to me with concerned eyes. “Thank you.” I mumbled. “Are you okay?” “Yeah, yeah... I’m fine. I’m a little shook up, but I’m fine.” “What the hell happened?” She burst out. “He just... he said something that pissed me off. And I went like, banging and kicking his door because I was so angry, but then he flipped and... Shit. Thank you, for opening your door. I know we’re not exactly friends but-” “NO! We are!” She objected. “I’m just... I get so withdrawn. I’ve always been like that, but you’re my friend, as far as I’m concerned. I had to help. I knew something bad was happening, I just knew it.” I sat trying to remember how to breathe. Everything was bizarre, and I was so incredibly hungover, which wasn’t helping at all. Everything that had happened the night before, and even speaking to Ringo, was making me feel astonishingly strange. So many times, I had wanted to speak to Ringo and be her friend, and now the opportunity had presented itself marvellously, and I had no idea what to say. “Thank you.” Was all I could say, again. “Did he hurt you?” She asked. “No, not at all. Just scared me.” I caught a look of my face in the mirror across from me, and saw that my skin was actually relatively clear. I prodded my fingers at my cleansed skin as I stared at myself. “Sorry.” She mumbled. “I helped take your makeup off last night. Hope that’s okay.” “Of course that’s okay!” I picked up the tea and took my first sip, no matter how hot it was, letting it warm my hands, which had quickly gotten cold after they were out of the sheets. The two of us stared off into nothing for a while, without saying a word. All I could think about was how last night was my low point, I knew that even then. Everything had to get better from then on. I needed everything to get better. Because I felt like I was ten seconds away from completely falling apart.

[golddaggers]

chemistry // part three

pairings: teacher!dylan o'brien x student!reader.

warnings: cursing.

a/n: took me long enough, but it’s out! I really hope you’re enjoying this series as much as I’m enjoying writing it.

word count: 3,6k+

part one - part two

Keeping a secret was never really a big deal to me until I was forced to hold a big, hot potato inside my mouth. Well, not really, it was a pretty crappy metaphor, but the thing was: not telling anyone I had recently made out with my hot chemistry teacher was driving me nuts. I wanted to scream at every popular cheerleader who had picked on me: suck it up, bitches, I scored your dream guy.

Oh, no, that’s lame. I honestly think somebody should charge me in for being a horrible teenager. Fuck, it was all so overwhelming! Plus, keeping it from Karen was suffocating me. We had known each other for over seven years now and in that entire time we told each other everything. Literally everything. From our first period to the excruciatingly graphic details of our virginity loss, which, may I tell you, was definitely not pretty. I needed to vent with her, on the other hand, I could also hear Mr. O'Brien’s words echoing in my mind; I couldn’t put his job on the line because some urge to gossip.

Huffing, I started drawing random figures on the corner of a paper I had over my desk. My English teacher, Mrs. Donaldson, who happened to be an adorable old lady and actually one of my favourite teachers, handed to my class a sheet filled with tips on how to write a good narrative essay. She wanted us to, at least, start a brief story as well; it would be our second exam in the semester. Therefore, everyone was busy trying to come up with ideas, while I, uh, was stuck. To say the minimum.

Normally, I’d be all over the place to do it, because I actually loved writing, but today I simply couldn’t bring myself to do it. My head was too lost in thoughts about last night’s events to focus enough on the blue lines in front of me. Shit, never in my life I wanted to yell so much.

“Miss Smith?” The old woman whispered, her tiny hand touching my shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Oh, hello, Mrs. Donaldson.” I shot her an embarrassed smile, biting my bottom lip afterwards. “Everything is fine, I guess, I’m just worried with some personal stuff. I’m going to start this soon, I promise.”

“You poor thing…” She shook her hand, squeezing my upper arm tenderly. “Do you want to wash your face, maybe? Or drink some water? You look a bit sick.”

“It isn’t necessary, I’m-”

“Sh, kid, just go. It’s only ten minutes for this class to be over.” Her eyes rolled as she waved her at me, dismissing my plea. Man, people really should stop interrupting me. It very, no, deeply, annoying. “Just make sure you hand me this done on the deadline, okay?”

Uh, considering I desperately wanted to go out for a little bit of fresh air, she didn’t need to push me so much to leave, so I agreed without thinking twice, slipping out of the classroom quickly and heading to the ladies restroom nearby. As soon as I got inside the quiet place, I understood why Mrs. Donaldson had said I looked sick: my skin was few times lighter, giving me a sour-milk-like appearance.

Inhaling deeply, I turned on the faucet, allowing the water to run through my fingers for a few seconds before actually washing my face with the cool liquid. Whilst doing so, I began to think about my latter actions and I still had no idea why this was bothering me so much. I mean, it was only one kiss. One good kiss. Hell, Dylan was a great kisser. Just amazing, those lips… Okay, focus. The point is: what would happen now? Just back on our regular student/teacher relationship or something else? Fuck, fuck, fuck! I had never felt more lost.

Switching the water off, I dried my hands and face with some towel tissues, firmly deciding I should talk to Mr. O'Brien soon. Things needed to cleared up for me, otherwise a spot at the local hospital’s psychiatric ward would be waiting for me.

“I just don’t get it, Brittany… Why doesn’t he notice me?” Briannah’s voice echoed on the corridor outside, which made me suddenly panic and hide within one of the small cubicles, going up on the toilet so that they wouldn’t see my feet. “I am attractive and successful. A real trophy.”

“Of course you are, Bri, Mr. O'Brien is stupid.” Her nonchalant tone almost made me throw up. These girls were unbelievable.”That’s the only explanation to why he hasn’t noticed you.”

“Unfortunately, it’s not. He’s smitten with that Smith weirdo. I caught him staring at her, like, a thousand times now.” My breath hitched on my throat, eyes growing wide to her last sentence. “Urgh, men are so strange.”

“Agreed.”

“But I never give up on a challenge, I’m still going to make him mine. Whatever it takes. Now come, we don’t want to be late for his class, do we?”

A few high pitched laughs could be heard fading away, a door slamming shut soon afterwards. I slided down to the floor, not sure to what to do with this information; not the part where Mr. O'Brien checked on me, after last night, I was sure I did catch his attention, or he wouldn’t have kissed me, but the ‘whatever it takes’? It’s so creepy and sounds so much like a soap opera thing. Jesus.

Nonetheless, although I wanted to, I couldn’t stay hidden in a restroom any longer. I had classes to attend. His in particular.

“Okay, Y/N, suck it up.” I murmured, getting back on my feet and unwrinkling my white shirt. “You need to be a woman about this, alright? Alright.”

I walked outside, chin up in the air, and went to the English classroom to pick up my stuff, pacing myself for the next forty-five minutes staring at Dylan’s cute tush, cute lips, cute everything. By this point, my hormones were laughing at my face, giving a rat’s ass about what was right. As if they were alive to care.

Oh yes, I’m definitely getting a spot at the psychiatric ward.

“So, can anyone tell me, based on the current graphic, if this reaction is endothermic or exothermic?” Dylan pointed out, his, now that I have come to notice, long, slim index finger pressing the board where a perfect graphic was drawn. “No need to be shy class.”

“Come on, Smith.” Karen whispered, pinching my thigh, erupting a low ‘outch’ to crawl out of my lips, which, in a matter of seconds, earned to myself the teacher’s attention. “Y/N here knows the answer.”

“Oh, she does?”

Chewing my bottom lip, I finally allowed myself to look at him, finding his eyes pierced on me, the irises of a liquid honey. A small smirk pulled the corners of his mouth up, so adorably cute, I couldn’t help but mirror his expression, nearly forgetting we were at a class crowded with people.

“So…?”

“It’s endothermic, Mr. O'Brien.”

“Can you say why?”

“Uh, looking at the graphic, you can see that the enthalpy grows as the reaction progresses, which means it’s absorbing energy while reacting. That classifies it as endothermic.”

“Perfect, that’s exactly it.” A delighted hum fell from his lips whilst he turned his back and wrote the classification above the draw. “As miss Smith correctly stated, an endothermic reaction absorbs energy, in most cases heat, from the environment. It’s not spontaneous, like an exothermic reaction, it has to be provoked…”

So he proceeded on his explanation, eyes sparkling with excitement. It was incredibly adorable, to me at least, the way he loved his profession so much. But I haven’t been the best judge lately. Not when he was involved, anyway. I guess our kiss worked like a catalyst that triggered the crush I had long forgotten back on. Tell me about an exothermic reaction.

Fine, no more chemistry puns. No one needs those, plus I’m the only who finds them amusing; wait, maybe if I told them to Dylan he would think it’s a funny trait of my personality. Or probably that he made the terrible mistake of being with a crazy girl.

My own thoughts made me chuckle while I copied the informations O'Brien had already put on the blackboard. He wasn’t exactly a writing person, but each topic the man considered important for our exam, and personal learning as well, was perfectly listed there. This organisation was perfect for later studies.

“Psht.” My best friend muttered, her shoulder lightly brushing mine. “What is up with you?”

“This is the fourth time today I tell you there’s nothing wrong. I also texted you three times saying I was good. Why do you keep insisting?”

“First things first, you never told how your ‘class’ went.” She said, rolling her eyes and glancing over her shoulder to see if no one was paying attention to our small conversation. “Second, Mr. McHottie-”

“Don’t call him that!”

“Mr. McHottie hasn’t taken his eyes off of you today. What is up with that?”

“Shut up!” I exclaimed, lowly, my eyes narrowed whilst I shook my head. The brown haired girl solely sighed, her green eyes seeming bored. “Look, I told you nothing happened. Plus, if people hear you talking that-”

“I don’t fucking care, Y/N!”

“Is there are problem, miss Smith and miss Williams?” Dylan queried, ceasing his extensive monologue due to mine and Karen’s angry whispers.

“No, Mr. O'Brien.” Karen denied, straightening herself back on her place. “We’re fine, aren’t we, Y/N?”

In an attempt of keeping myself together, so I wouldn’t fight with her in front of everyone for a silly reason, I took a deep breath and nodded. I knew Karen was upset with the way I was acting in the past two days; to be honest, I didn’t fully comprehended what the hell was going on with me, nonetheless, she needn’t to act like a child about it.

However, before I had even time to, I don’t know, write her a note or something, saying I would explain things later, the bell rang, announcing the end of the class. She gazed over her shoulder at the door one last time, her eyes soaked in upsetness.

Fuck.

I shoved my books back into my blue backpack with an angry huff, placing the right handle on my shoulder.

“Miss Smith? Could you wait a little bit? I want to speak with you.” Spinning on my heel to face him, my eyebrows knitted together, I shot him a confused glance, not knowing why he was asking me to “talk” when a couple of geek girls were still inside the room. “It’s about your grade.”

“Oh, oh, yeah. I totally meant to talk to you about it too.”

O'Brien placed his warm palm against my back, leading me, who was formerly standing next to the exit, towards his desk. Oh God. I knew it was innocent, believe me, I did, but I just couldn’t help the rough wave of electrical shocks that hit me when his hand tenderly pressed my upper back.

He, then, near his stuff, began fumbling through his papers, also leaning in to search on his drawers too; however, if I’m allowed to make a side note, I was damn sure I had the very exam he mentioned carefully stored home inside a file on the back of my school compartment, which means this was some lame excuse for us to talk in private. Smooth, Dylan, just smooth.

I put my hands on my waist, allowing a soft sigh to crawl out my lips, gazing back to find that Angela, a sweet brown eyed girl with glasses and a high ponytail, was closing her notebook and placing it within her greyish backpack. The other one, her friend, Marcia, was positioned by the exit, waiting to go.

“Okay, all set. Bye, Mr. O'Brien. Smith.” She mumbled awkwardly, trudging to the threshold where the blonde teenager awaited for her.

“Bye.” We both replied, waving goodbye.

The second the tall wooden door was slammed shut, Dylan ceased looking for my “wrong” test. Instead, he walked up to me, opening a space between me and his table. For a moment, I got lost on his whiskey coloured eyes, this time filled with doubt. I knew it must have been just as conflictuous to him as it was for me.

“We should-”

“Yes, but not in here.” He said, shaking his head. “It isn’t safe.”

“Then where?”

“Uh, I’d offer my place.” Under those words, I felt myself grow numb and my heart skipped a beat. “Yet, I don’t think it is suitable. Just… Just meet me at this bar later, at eight.”

“I can’t go out tonight, my mum wouldn’t let me.” O'Brien frowned, his forehead wrinkled in exasperation. “Oh what the hell, I’ll figure out some excuse. Just write the address and I’ll be there.”

“Are you okay with this?”

“Of course I am, we need to talk about what happened and if can’t be here, it has to be somewhere else. I don’t really care.”

“Okay, I’ll just write in here and, uh, I’ll be waiting for you there.”

“Fine.”

Convincing my mother to let me go out at night was the hardest thing I have done in my life, however, I managed to succeed at it, promising I would behave and not get into trouble. The rule she established was that I should be home before midnight; what wouldn’t exactly be a problem, because I didn’t think the talk was going to last long. He was probably going to say that it had been a mistake, that we shouldn’t do it again, then I’d be back home. Yes.

Nevertheless, the fact I was most likely getting rejected by O'Brien, despite knowing the undeniable spark we had between us, didn’t stop me from picking up the nicest dress I had in my closet. Well, it was nothing fancy, just a tight black dress with a considerable cleavage on the front that would get his eyes glued to the exposed area of my chest. A girl can try to be sexy, right?

A laugh fell from my mouth as I finished applying the last layer of red lipstick. Giving myself a small wink, I went downstairs, heading out where an Uber was already waiting for me. I quickly got inside, finding a sympathetic looking old man behind the steering wheel.

“Where are you going, miss?”

“It’s a small place downtown called ‘Rojo’ or something like that.”

“Oh.” His forehead wrinkled whilst he scratched his beard. “I know where it is. It’s a bar… Are you sure you’re not too young to be going there?”

“Uh, I think it’s none of your business.” Shaking my head, I fastened my seatbelt. “Now could you please drop me off there?”

“As you wish, young lady.”

The next twenty minutes were painfully slow and quiet; the driver was probably pissed at the way I responded him, not that I cared anyway. If there was something I hated, it was people invading my personal space. Like, he had no business on what I would do at that bar. Ok, I perhaps shouldn’t have come off so strong, the poor man was just being nice to me…

Oh bite me, as if I hadn’t enough to worry about already.

Trying to keep those thoughts away, I shook my head, inhaling a good deep breath and watching the trees pass by me in a blur. Once more, possibly the nth time today, my mind flew back to last night’s kiss. To be honest, I was still in awe, the silky touch of his lips pressed onto mine, his grip on my waist, his hands bringing us closer… Shit, that brown haired, mole speckled man was purely intoxicating. Like a very addictive drug flooding my blood, providing me with a overdose of serotonin.

And I should definitely dim down on the cheesy stuff, because, man, it feels weird. I was getting too excited. What the hell was going on with me?

“Girl, we’ve arrived your destination.” The Uber drive muttered, glancing over his shoulder. “That will cost $20.”

“Thank you.” I mumbled, handing him a twenty dollar bill and quickly walking out of his car, watching the poorly lit place I was currently about to enter whilst hearing the tires screeching as the driver sped out.

“Okay, now I totally see what his point was.”, I thought, gripping my small purse strongly and heading towards the small bar. At a first glance, you would think this was a haunted house due to the entrance aspects, however, once inside, the pub was actually pretty cosy. A light jazz music was playing in the background, small booths perfectly arranged… I could risk myself saying it was a tad romantic. Plus, it was the kind of place no one I knew would visit, which was probably the reason why Dylan chose it.

Speaking of the devil, he was here already, sitting carelessly at a table in the back. Hell, he was looking good. His chestnut brown hair was tousled, beard carefully trimmed, framing those pink lips of his in a way they shouldn’t, a thin grey shirt tight around his muscles… Fuck, I wanted nothing more than to jump onto him and scatter kisses on all of him. Savouring that minted flavour once more.

I clamped my bottom lip between my teeth, trying to contain the sudden rush of adrenaline that ran across my form. He didn’t have to know how his mere presence affected me so much. God he made me feel like a fifteen year old finding out about boys.

“I thought you weren’t coming.” O'Brien muttered, as soon as he acknowledged my presence. He, then, sipped at a white liquid from a glass that was on his table, eyes still gazing down to the cup. “I’m surprised you did.”

“We needed to talk.” I shrugged, taking a seat in front of him. “Plus I never back away from the things I say.”

“Yes, I wouldn’t expect less from you.” His honey irises eventually risen to face me, incredibly hardened this time. “You’re such a mature person, Y/N, I guess it was why I forgotten you are my student last night.”

“Mr.-”

“No formalities, please.” He rolled his eyes, excusing me with a wave. “We can excuse them for a moment, just let me talk, alright?”

“Fine, Dylan, go ahead.”

“First I want to apologise for what I did, I shouldn’t have put you in this position.”

“Excuse me? Are you honestly apologising for kissing me?” This time it was my turn to act annoyed, my hand unconsciously landing over his while I huffed. “I really, really, enjoyed it. Also, it isn’t like you have forced me into it anyway. I kissed you just as much as you kissed me.”

“Yes, but I am the adult. I should know better than letting my impulses get the best of me. I feel like I-I corrupted you or something.”

“Of course you didn’t, that’s silly. I’m seventeen, not five years old.” A small giggle fell from my mouth, my thumb still circling the back of his hand. “But, if you feel uncomfortable, then we can pretend it never happened.”

“This isn’t about being comfortable, it’s about doing what’s right. If we were in a different situation, I’d choose to be with you anytime.”

“Why don’t you?”

“Because it could get you in trouble. Both of us.”

“I don’t care. Not when doing what’s wrong feels so right to me.” Our gazes linked, so filled with emotions I felt overwhelmed for a second. His fingers intertwined with mine, causing my heart to beat irregularly; the electrical waves were back too. “Doesn’t it feel good? Please tell me I’m not wrong about this.”

“It feels amazing, Y/N.” Dylan traced a wet line on his bottom lip, squeezing out palms together. “Can I… Just one last time…?”

“Kiss me? Yes, you can. We don’t have think about the consequences now, do we?”

“No, we don’t.”

Without breaking the skin contact, I hushedly moved to sit beside him, crashing my lips onto his the second my butt was pressed against the cushioned booth. He didn’t hesitate either, hands going down to grasp my hips, digits massaging the region at leisure whilst the man hungrily searched for my mouth, tongue slipping in, fighting with mine. Man, he was a good kisser. I had shudders slapping my form whenever he locked my lower lip between his.

I laced my arms around his neck, pulling our bodies closer and deepening the fond action, wishing I could make this moment last forever. However, a minute or two later, the air ran dry, making us pull away, noses still brushing one another, eyes still connected, foreheads still glued. Everything fit perfectly, like it was meant to be, no matter what the external rules were.

“Oh fuck…” The whiskey coloured eye man whispered, breathlessly. “I fantasized about this a hundred times. I knew it was wrong but I wanted it anyway.”

“You said if we were in a different position, you’d choose me. So… Let’s pretend you’re not Mr. O'Brien and I’m not Miss Smith. We’re Dylan and Y/N, two people who happen to fancy each other. ” Leaning forward I, stole a peck from his perfectly shaped lips. A chuckle escaped afterwards. “What do you say?”

“Yes. I think I can do that. We just have to be Mr. O'Brien and Miss Smith at school.” Dylan dragged his mouth across my face, scattering feather light kisses on my cheek, erupting goosebumps all over my body. “Now what do you say we kiss one more time? For luck.”

“Uh-huh. Anything you want.”

While I surrendered to his gentle touch, I couldn’t help but think that he was everything I never realised I wanted before. And now that I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t let him slip away from my fingertips.

[pagesoflauren]

Photograph (Jack Lowden x reader) - Chapter 1

Hello loves! This is a fic submitted to me by the lovely @asahibuns​! I’m so excited that she’s allowed me to share it with all of you and hope you love it as much as I do. And if you do, please give her some big love over on her blog!!

Sometimes in life we find ourselves in unforgiving situations. Whether it be failure or heartbreak, it sends us into a wormhole of self-loathing and pitiful moments. Often thinking, why a good person like me, deserves something like this? However, life seems to always get better in some odd way that we least expect and sometimes at the most surprising ways.

Jack’s POV

A young, newly turned bachelor again sits in a bar with whiskey on hand and a brother next to him. The pub was filled with chatter and liveliness, yet the depressed blond sits there on his 6th glass on the rocks. Face turning red, and stomach filled with booze, he sits there feeling pitiful and pathetic as he reminisces the good times he had with her. 

“You need to start forgetting her mate, it’s been 9 months now since she broke it off” said his brother. “I know, but it just hurts so much. She was everything I wanted in a woman. I couldn’t possibly see myself without anyone else…” he said in between sips as he gripped the piece of paper between his fingers.

It had been around 9 months since his fiancée ended it with him. They’d been together a good 5 years. It was a spontaneous and passionate relationship. She and him both clicked on the spot when they met, and they hit it off quickly right after. Some might say that they were straight up soulmates, and others might say that they just couldn’t keep each other’s hands from one another. 

It was during the first 3 years that he had been so in love, so infatuated with this girl that he knew she was the one he wanted to spend his entire life with. After he proposed to her, the wedding date was to be announced. He was the happiest he could possibly be, being then engaged to this wonderful woman he felt oh so lucky to have for himself. However, during the last 2 years were the most tumultuous. Jealousy and fights started to break out. His schedule and work didn’t help either as he got busier since the filming of Dunkirk. Yes, he was becoming more successful but the distance between them was grew greater as well. 

They started growing apart from each other, and she was slowly falling out of love with him as he was almost never there anymore. It was here that she started having a wandering eye and decided to start seeking out possible new partners. It wasn’t until she met someone else that she decided to call off the engagement and decided that this other guy would give her more of what she wanted than what Jack can. 

He changed over the course of their relationship, and she lost feelings for him altogether. She loved him just as much as he did, but the stars didn’t align for them to stay together. 

She thought it was best to end it there than cheat on him altogether. It would be less painful she thought, but it still hurt Jack with the intensity of a woman giving birth. Jack was in such a wreck that he needed to go on break from work. He was starting to film another movie but needed a long break to recover from his broken heart. But to no avail that it was merely filled with sleepless nights and endless calls to her, begging for her to come back.

“It’s no use mate, I’m not gonna find another lass like her…she was different. I can’t find the same diamond as I did” he gurgled between his drink, looking at the piece of paper he held up.

A picture of the two of them, happily in love. She looked straight into the camera, while he looked at her lovingly instead of the camera. That photograph captured that perfect moment when he was at his happiest. When they were both at their happiest.

“I don’t think I’m really fit for love. I just want someone who’ll stay by my side through thick and thin and through my busy schedule. Is that so much to ask?” he looked weary eyed at his brother as he hid away the picture. “I get what you mean. She was an amazing person, but she wasn’t really willing to stay with the distance and your busy schedule. I’m sorry this happened to you” he responded. “I’m going to end up an old and alone man, at least I can still act” he oddly laughed as he kept his composure. Jack started giggling and giggling. His brother a little appalled at his reaction but the giggles soon turned into sobs.

“It just fucking hurts mate, it’s so hard to find someone like that. I can’t see myself with anyone else!” he started breaking down as Calum, his brother tried to console him. “Aye, you’ll be alright mate. You’ve been through other breakups and I get this one meant the most to you. But I promise you, you’ll find another diamond in the rough. It’s not gonna be the same, but it’ll be better than your last,” he reassured his brother as best as he can. 

Jack was a handsome and talented individual. He shouldn’t have trouble looking for someone new. But he was a bit picky as no matter how many girls threw themselves at him, unless they had that spark of chemistry, or at the very least felt different to him then he wouldn’t look twice at her. She was the only one that seemed so different from the rest. That rarity only comes once in a while, sometimes once in a lifetime he thought.

“Bullshit Calum. I’m not gonna find someone else and that’s that” he said as he finished his drink and slammed down his cup. With tired eyes and a sore throat from all that crying, he blacked out. “Uhhh, check please” Calum said to the bar tender.  Calum ended up dragging his brother back to his place. Tucked his brother in bed and placed a glass of water and medication for when he woke up.

“Sorry bro, I really hope you find the right one for you soon enough.” He said as he turned off the lights as Jack snoozed away, but not without slipping the photograph into his brother’s pocket.

Your POV

You sit there with coffee on hand on your laptop with pencils scrawled by your sketchpad. The warmth of the steam, visible from your pumpkin muffin emanates and fills your senses. You sat by the window of this little café in London, just taking in all the atmosphere and going at your own pace. It was a warmer autumn season so a light jacket and scarf was enough to suffice. 

You weren’t from London, or Great Britain altogether. You were merely there for an event that you were preparing for, but today was one of those off days that you could just relax and enjoy exploring the city. People would describe you as shy and soft-spoken and introverted. 

You suffered from a bit of social-anxiety and bouts of depression from time to time but it was something you both came to manage with time that it no longer became a problem for you. Although you weren’t much of a partier, you preferred it with close friends or families. Yes, you were a little ashamed that you were shy, introverted, and suffered from social-anxiety. You didn’t like to be too alone either so that’s why you’d be more accurately described as an ambivert. You prefer a few close friends over a lot of casual friendships, but you valued relationships very much. 

Hailing from the U.S., you were just there to attend the British Fashion Awards. A young budding fashion designer you were, with lots of talent and determination. However, you lacked confidence in your ability from time to time. You were sitting by the window just contemplating life while you typed up some fanfiction about one of your favorite characters from Dunkirk. 

You were a bit of a fangirl, actually no scratch that, you were a hardcore fangirl, from Game of Thrones, to One Direction, your recent obsession was Dunkirk and the actors in it. You had a particular obsession and crush on Jack Lowden. That’s partially why you were there in that café was to simply type up some fanfiction about him. How you hoped that one day you could meet him and dreamingly wished to be his girlfriend. But you already knew he was taken and engaged at that, so the fantasies would stay as fantasies. You were also sketching a wedding dress next to your laptop. 

This wasn’t for anything really, you just really wanted to draw your future wedding dress and how it’d look like if you ever did get married. It was one of your dreams aside from becoming a famous and successful designer that celebrities and well known powerful people would revel and wear your creations. You were a true romantic and dreamed that one day you’d get married with this princess looking dress you designed to a wonderful and handsome man. But you secretly worried that that person wouldn’t exist and that that dream would simply stay a dream. You secretly feared that you’d end up alone and never find the right person. But you also didn’t want to end up with the wrong person either. Prime example, your last relationship that left scars on you. 

Ever since that relationship, you became more careful and didn’t want to end up in the same situation again. Wiser and stronger you became, but broken and weakened you were as well. They say the wisest people are the most broken, but you didn’t want your ex to destroy you or stop you from becoming the best version of yourself. In fact, you used the damage and pain from that failed relationship to push yourself to pursue your dreams and improve yourself in every way possible. So that one day he can’t hurt you ever again and that his words would simply be empty words. Everything he said to bring you down wouldn’t have any meaning to you, but until now it still hurt you. You just wanted to find the right person who’d treat you the way you deserved to be treated. You didn’t want a multitude of relationships or boyfriends, you just wanted to find the right person, was that so much to ask? 

You were also the type of person to feel highly insecure about your physical appearance. You did all in your power to beautify yourself from skincare, to workouts, makeup, and wardrobe changes. Anything to make you feel better and more comfortable in your own skin. With this in mind, you hoped some guy would whisk you away from your feet. You wanted to feel liked by other and admired for your beauty, but you were your own worst enemy when it came to judging yourself. Most people would say you were a natural beauty. As much as you learned to wear makeup and come to love it yourself, you cared more about taking care of your skin as healthy, unblemished skin makes a great base for makeup. And girls who already look good without makeup seemed to rock makeup more than those who actually needed it as a cover up. Sadly you’d only describe yourself as average to above average. This made you really insecure that you only thought you were average than extraordinary. You didn’t want to feel like you were an “okay” looking person. 

But for some reason you had this uncanny ability to make men’s heads turn without you even knowing it. You sat there at the café with no makeup on, flipping through your sketchpad through some of your creations. A lot of them were wedding dresses you designed for yourself. If only you could finally meet the one who’d take your breath away. One of the dresses you were going to wear for the awards was already with you, but you can’t help but simply glance at the original sketch as the final finished product was what you were going to wear. You were one of those people who seemed like they were so quiet but then bam, they look so different from who you’d expect them to be. This dress you were going to wear, you worried that it was a little too much, but nonsense you were one of those people who knew how to make an entrance and you wanted to stand out from the crowd. You wanted heads to turn. All these thoughts running through your head as you bit into your pumpkin flavored muffin. The temperature continued to drop oddly for that day but the sun kept high in the sky. It was getting to that point where you needed to finish up the story you wrote and pack up your materials to get back to your hotel. Oh how you wish such dreams like that would turn into reality. Sometimes such dreams can happen so unexpectedly.

Jack’s POV

Jack woke up with a blaring headache. His brain pounding in his head as he desperately tried to contemplate what had happened the night before.

“Fuck, my head…oh right, I was crying over her again” he said begrudgingly as he took the water and medication. He looked at the time and realized he’s late for his check in for his hotel in London. He was back in his flat in Glasgow, but he needed to rush to go to the train station and hitch a ride straight to London. 

He hastily got dressed and ignored his still pounding head as he ran out the door. Finally, being able to catch a ride to London, he calls the front desk that he’s running late and that he’s still coming. 

How could he forget that morning that he had to attend the British Fashion Awards? Out of the times he could possibly cry over her, he did so the night he was supposed to be traveling to England. Jack was an actor, however he had an appreciation for the up and coming designers who dreamt of success. He had an interest in fashion himself, so he attends these events as much as he can. 

He bitterly thought to himself, I’m such an arse, what the hell am I doing with my life? I should be getting over her not balling my eyes out to get her back. I deserve better, she ain’t shit. 

His stomach started to grumble and realized he hadn’t had anything solid since the day before. He thought he’d drop by that nice little café close by to the hotel he was staying at. He would frequent that location whenever he was down by London and just observe from the window seat, which was his favorite spot. He finally reached London and rushed to get checked in. And after he checked in, he didn’t bother to go up to his room. He simply asked the bellhop to bring his luggage up to his room as he went straight for the little café that was a local special and not a chain. It was getting colder in the day and he didn’t dress that heavy. He thought to himself what an idiot he was for not bringing in an extra scarf of some sort as he held himself for more warmth. He entered the café and searched for his favorite spot and to his surprise it was already occupied by a girl. He looked around the entire café and realized all the seats were taken, all except an extra chair next to the same girl who sat at this favorite spot. He wanted to relax from life and didn’t want to go back outside so he just ordered the seasonal special coffee they had and went towards the girl who sat by the window.

Your POV

You were about to pack up your stuff until some “rando” guy tapped your shoulder.

“’Scuse me lass, could I sit with you, all the seats are taken and I didn’t want to sit outside since it’s too cold?” a heavily accented Scottish voice that was so familiar to your ears echoed to your senses. At that moment you thought to yourself, please don’t let it be who I think it is. 

You slowly turn your head and realize it’s none other than THE Jack Lowden himself, standing there in the flesh right next to you. You felt the heat rush to your cheeks and the anxiety creeping up on you as you felt really insecure about how disheveled you thought you looked. 

Of all the days that you could just wear comfy clothing and not worry too much about how you looked without makeup, the guy you were just fangirling over literally pops out of nowhere. But then again it wasn’t such a rare occurrence that celebrities and actors in the UK interacted with normal people, but that wasn’t what you were used to as it wasn’t all like that in the U.S. You simply nod your head and move the rest of your stuff away as he took his seat. For a good minute he just sat there and looked out the window as you typed away on your laptop considering you were writing a completely fabricated story about him, occasionally looking up to catch glimpses of him.

“Pretty cold today isn’t it? You go here often?” he asked you as goosebumps ran up your back. “Yeah, sure is” you answered back in short responses as you were too shy to speak up in front of him. “Your accent, are you American?” he asked and you simply nodded in response. He seemed to lighten up and a smile started growing on his face.

“That’s real cool, what’s a lass like you doing in a café like this?” he asked. Small talk wasn't too much on your agenda but you didn’t want to be rude and not converse back. “I’m here for a special event and a bit of sightseeing I suppose” you tried to be vague since you didn’t want to give out too much information about yourself. Of course that meant more questioning from him.

“Oh really? What event?” he asked.  “I can’t really say, it’s a bit of a secret” you respond hoping that your short terse answers would mean that you’re not up to small talk. But just his presence there made your heart skip a beat. 

Jack kinda just sat there for a bit. You could tell he was looking at you trying to decipher you. You thought to yourself ‘I’m not that pretty enough for him to even consider me much’ but god did you wish that you somewhat caught his eye or something.

“You an artist?” he asked as he pointed to your sketchpad. “Yeah, guess you can say that” you looked away for a bit. “Could I see some of your work?” he asked again. Jack had a bit of a thing for artsy people and the way you’d brush him off made him want to know more about you. For some reason you were being enigmatic and that drew him in even more.

“Ummmm, no sorry… I’ve got some stuff in there that’s not allowed for public access” you said hoping that it didn’t make you sound like you were drawing nudes or worse, porn. “You drawing porn or something?” he cheekily asked as you blushed hardly at your response. “No! I draw other things like inanimate objects!” you didn’t want to give away that you were a fashion designer. But at the same time you wanted to overshare everything about yourself. “Sorry if I’m coming off as too much. I can leave if you need me to. It’s just this spot is my usual spot and you just seem to sit here conveniently,” he apologized as you scramble to find words.

“Oh no you’re fine! I’m just a little tired and pardon my disheveled appearance I’ve just been lacking sleep that’s all. I was spending too much time on these sketches. Don’t worry” you said as you tried to pack up your stuff.  “Rough week for you, eh? Same here, well more like rough 9 months,” he said as he looked away for a bit. “Oh, I’m so sorry about that. Hope you feel better soon.” You tried to console him but you wished you knew more about what was troubling him. You notice him holding himself together as he rubbed his arms. He was a little cold and you were wearing a really soft and warmth retaining scarf you personally designed yourself. Feeling a little selfless you find yourself offering it to him

“Here, please take my scarf” you say as you take it off. “Oh really? I can’t take your stuff lass, I know I’m cold but I’ll manage,” he said as you stood up and wrapped it around him. Protesting the fact that he kindly turned down your offer.

“There, warm and a little bit more stylish now aren’t we?” you smiled a bit looking at him as he looked even more handsome in the clothing you had made. Jack just sat there looking back at your smiling face as you got lost in your design and he got lost in your eyes. “Thanks so much. I’m Jack by the way. Jack Lowden. I’m an actor” he said as he reached his hand out to shake yours. “Nice to meet you Jack, I’m (Y/N)” you say as you shake his hand as well.

You look back at your watch and realize you needed to leave. Your phone blown up with messages from your assistant about some meetings and whatnot coming up within the next few days leading to the BFA’s.

“I’m gonna have to cut this a little short but I need to do some important errands. It was really nice chatting with you Jack” you say as you pack up the rest of your things and stand up. “Wait don’t forget your scarf” he said as he started unwrapping it as you stop him. “No please, keep it. Consider it as a gift” you say as you smiled back at him, “Besides, you look really nice wearing it” you added. “Oh no lass, I can’t take something that looks really expensive and designer like this,” he worried. “Don’t worry, I personally made it. Please keep it. My gift to you” you take your bag and excuse yourself as Jack stood there startled and a little lost.

“Wait now lass” he called out to you. “Could, um, could we meet up again sometime?” he said as he tried to catch up with you, but you we’re already gone from his sight. “Shit…” he said under his breath.

Part of you regretted leaving without asking for his number or something, but you had to be somewhere else and you we’re pretty notorious for being ‘fashionably’ late.

I hope that in some way… I might see him again… oh what am I saying fuck me for not asking for his number, you kick yourself mentally as you walked away. You stood there for a bit just thinking to yourself how you wished you could encounter him again somehow. You quietly whispered, “I hope I can somehow see him again…”

Jack’s POV

Jack just stood there, also mentally kicking himself after not having run after her when he thought he should.

“Dammit, she was really cute too…” Jack felt like he just lost a chance in a lifetime. He thought he could’ve played off talking to her in a better way that doesn’t involve being such a creeper. 

But there was just something about her that he felt so compelled to getting to know her. But sadly that chance seemed to have slipped away before his hands. All he has left of her reminder was this beige scarf. He lifted it up to his face to feel its warmth and her scent emanated from it. Jack’s heart couldn’t help but skip a beat. Which angered him more about himself. He looked at the scarf a bit more and noticed a small writing on the side.

“Vaille…” he whispered to himself. Was this her? Or was this some company she worked for? Jack just wished he could see her again. Even if it was just one more time. Jack didn’t feel like going to the awards ceremony anymore. He just wanted to see her or find her again.  “I hope I can somehow see her again…”

ONCE AGAIN, go give @asahibuns some love because THIS IS HER STORY! It’s not mine in any way, shape or form, I just post it. Hope you guys loved it! 

[amahontl]

NieR:Automata - Dengeki Playstation vol.638 Interview [Ending E spoilers]

WARNING! This interview contains spoilers up to Ending E.

Published on May 11th 2017.

Inquiring the key development staff of the abyss of “Project YoRHa”

NieR:Automata breaks past 1 million copies in sales and continues to be a hot selling hit. A direct interview with the 4 main staff immediately after the concert event! We enquire about the mysteries unraveled in the concert’s Recital Play and the world guide book. We’ll also ask about future grave visitings.

The people we’ll be interviewing

Director, Yoko Taro 

From Bukkoro (ブッコロ). Responsible for directing NieR:Automata. Who is finally released from the deadlines for submitting the concert’s Recital Drama script and the world guide book.

Game Designer, Taura Takahisa

From Platinum Games. Responsible for the game design of NieR:Automata. Lately Yoko has been teasing him for his growing accustomization to the media.

Producer, Yosuke Saito

From Square Enix. Responsible for producing NieR:Automata. Kindly watches attentively over Yoko’s recklessness, when he’s gotta do it, he’ll do it.

Composer, Keiichi Okabe

From MONACA. Responsible for the sound production of NieR:Automata. In order to make the Osaka and Tokyo concerts a success, he goes all out with the MONACA staff.

The concert’s existence is thanks to the fans and as the best reward for the developers

Now that a bit of time has passed since the release of the game, I’d like to take this chance to ask you of various spoilers… Since time is restricted today, I’ll have Yoko give his comments on the next day to supplement your impressions of today’s very first NieR:Automata concert, as well as future plans for the game.

Yoko: I see, acknowledged.

With that said, I’d like to truly congratulate you on the realization of today’s concert. What are your impressions now that the first performance, the Osaka performance has ended?

Okabe: Speechless. The progress for the concert this time was really cutting it close, we were doing various adjustments right up to before the concert started.  To get it all over with, we had to do our first rehearsal on the day before, let alone the day of the concert. I hope the fans will be satisfied with what we have to offer.

The concert was amazing! I was watching from the audience seat and I could hear a lot of people crying within the seats around me, I was crying too of course.

Saito: I was crying the entire time. To the point that my tear glands are possibly destroyed. Yoko did cry too, right?

Yoko: Yes. I cried without realizing it.

Taura: I was wailing as well. To the point that I ran out of tissue. It was tough from the very beginning, the part I really cried at was the part with Beauvoir. I personally like fast pace music but, the memories of mid-production revived and I couldn’t bear it.

Yoko: You sure those tears were only meant for those hard times?  (weakly laughs)

Taura: Not at all… It was definitely a hard time, but in turn it meant that it was memorable. Other than that, the “Song of the Ancients” coupled with the NieR:Automata and NieR Replicant/Gestalt footage of Devola and Popola went really well together.

I’m sure this goes the same for the fans as well, that this concert is the greatest reward for the developers.

Okabe: There’s the Tokyo performance after this and we’d like to show the audience an enhanced performance.

By the way, who coordinated the footage played at the back of the stage?

Okabe: We’ve gotten a vendor this time to coordinate the footage and we’ve made the one in charge have a proper understanding of NieR. The finished product was immensely satisfactory. But of course, Yoko was supervising it all.

Yoko: I only supervised it. I felt that this time, the significance of the Recital Drama was very, very severe. I don’t ever want to put myself in such mayhem ever again.

Saito: Since the limited tickets came with the Recital Drama script, we did intend on sending it out to the customers, “We have till the day itself for the script, so whatever”, is what we’d like to say. Our very own publication department had the color drained from their faces.

Yoko: Saito made the rash decision of making different scripts for each performance….

Saito: What! It was Yoko who said he wanted to do a Recital Drama. (laughs)

Yoko: Well, that’s true but, I didn’t say I’d write a new script for each and every 5 performances you know.

Saito: Well that can’t be helped. It’s tough getting all 5 of the voice actors to come in on the same day, it’s something that needed to be arranged pretty early on. They’re all such busy people you know?

I see, that’s a valid reason.

Saito: At first Yoko wanted to get a boys’ choir in but that was obviously impossible. Even then, we made a move to somehow get a hold of the venue for the concert, as well as sending out offers to the voice actors….. It was a lot of work. Especially for today’s Osaka performance, we were fortunate enough to have 9S’ voice actor, Hanae Natsuki, present. Hanae had “Oha Suta” to attend to early in the morning on the following day, so I thought he’d turn down the offer. But, Hanae himself said he would definitely attend and with that, we got 2B’s voice actor, Ishikawa Yui, and Pod 153’s voice actor, Akiyama Kaoru, together and brought their collaboration to life.

  [1] Oha Suta (おはスタ Oha Suta) is a children's TV show which airs in Japan in the morning on Monday to Friday, and it is produced by TV Tokyo.

All that trouble was worth it, the Recital Drama was amazing. 9S kept dying as usual, Hanae seemed a bit pitiful. (weakly laughs)

Saito: I was able to watch the rehearsals on the day of the concert, my first at that. When it comes down to the real thing, they perform amazingly.

I took a look at the scripts for all 5 performances and it was shocking.

Yoko: Was it?

It was full of content that could’ve been put into the game itself. It wasn’t something that you could classify as side story content.

Taura: I know what you mean. Without much thought, I wanted to make a certain scene like this(within the game)….. It came spontaneously to mind.

Right. I wish you guys included it in the game.

Taura: Included in the game, huh.

Yoko: No way, that’s out of the question! (weakly laughs)

Saito: Well, you could say that it’s a concert-only special content. We have a super big surprise prepared for the last day as well. I’m looking forward to seeing the fan’s reactions.

I’m sure the fans are rather delighted with the Recital Drama itself, as well as the supplementary footage.

Saito: Actually, we have made plans to record the audio of the Recital Drama, we might want to release it in some sort of medium.

[2] All the performances’ play audio have been recorded and added to the Blu-ray release of “The Memories of the Puppets”.

It would’ve been ideal to have new in-game footage for the concert.... I think.

Yoko: I see. If Square Enix funds us then, Platinum Games would, well, right?

Taura: Right. If something is given, I can do as much.

Yoko, Taura, you two are making a totally sleazy look. (laughs)

10th anniversary, the next project? Juicy details about the next project’s plans

At any rate, a million copies sold across the world is quite amazing.

Saito: 1 million copies. It’d be nice if it happened but to think that it actually did happen. As for me, I had a secret goal of “pushing Yoko Taro up to the next level”, and I think I’ve managed to accomplish it. With that, the “World of Yoko Taro” is widely spread.

Yoko: But to be rather honest, I think that the hit (NieR:Automata) is a fluke. Even all the staff involved thinks so too.

Saito: A fluke eh… Well, even if we do make another game, it might not sell as well as Automata did.

Have you managed to investigate as to why Automata achieved a million copies?

Yoko: I have already said this several times, it’s all because of Platinum Games’ strength.

Taura: Oh no, no, no, there are a lot of portions that I thought were good though. Character design by Yoshida Akihiko, music done by MONACA that was newly established by Okabe, Yoko’s leadership power and Saito who produced everything with his power, it’s all filled with great things.

Yoko: What’s wrong, Taura? Ever since I pulled you out into the media, since when were you able to make such a counterattack?

Taura: It’s all thanks to Yoko’s direction. You have my gratitude. (grins)

Yoko: That reply, what are you, a monster?! Your training was a total blunder~ (laughs)

But, making such a high quality game with such little resources is truly amazing to be rather honest.

Taura: It’s because the staff all love “NieR” and due to that, we had an unbelieveable amount of horsepower going on. It was truly the fruit of our labour, I don’t think we’ll ever be able to make such a thing ever again. (weakly laughs)

Saito: Probably not. (laughs) To be able to make something that’s so chock full of content is not easy. I was truly grateful for that.

But, with all the new details revealed in the Recital Play and the World Guide Book, having all that plot assembled together, wouldn’t it be possible to make a sequel or a spin-off? For example, the “The Country of Dawn” or “The Dragoon”, you can expand so much on.

Saito: Hold on a minute there. A spinoff? Who’s gonna be the protagonist? Pascal maybe?

Yoko: Well, I can probably make a 2 hour long story for Pascal. I don’t know if there even is demand for it though.

Platinum Games sure has it rough huh.

Taura: Totally… Especially since we’ve canceled a project. Not to mention the DLC we released on May 2nd, the development on the game itself had already wrapped up, so we’ve only had a few staff to help out with the DLC. It was tougher than I expected.

And with the Square Enix’s and Platinum Game’s CEO making an appearance in the game, surely must’ve gathered controversy. (laughs)

Yoko: That was only but a factor. At first the additional costumes were gonna be about 1800 yen, but that was way too expensive for what it was so, adding in a simple side story and a colosseum, with the addition of a lower price of 1500 yen, as well as adding another extra of the CEO fight… Well, I think it’s all satisfactory content.

With the concert ended and the DLC already released, has “NieR:Automata” reached it’s end?

Saito: I wonder. The next thing would probably be, for example, in 3 years time, the “NieR” 10th year anniversary. I daydream about what we should do for it. By then, I have no idea what we’d (the team) all be doing. My liver has been in quite bad shape after all...

Yoko: Me too. We’ll just leave the rest to the next generation. All I’ve been thinking is how I’m gonna die.

Please don’t say that. (weakly laughs) A 10th year anniversary is splendid isn’t it? I have great expectations for it.

Saito: This is all still some far ways off but, as long as the fans love the “NieR” title, we will somehow push something out. And with that, everyone, please continue to forever support the “NieR” series.

Thank you very much for today!

Additional questions for Yoko Taro

On the following day, we asked the Director, Yoko Taro, some questions about his worldview of the story of NieR:Automata (in a super rushed fashion). This Q&A is completely non-edited so please read on. We will also ask questions to Yoko about the currently-on-sale Strategy Guide and the World Guide Book, so for those who are curious about the mysteries that lies within, please do check it out!

Q: In the game, we’ve seen Yorha units clash against each other, so if there ever was a scenario where 2B, 9S and A2 duke it out against each other, which model would be the absolute strongest?

Yoko: The E model is the strongest. Since this reply was written in a hurry, I will skip the details.

Q: Even though A2 and 2B are the same “No. 2” types, are their “Self Data” the same? Also, is it possible to implant A2’s Memory Data into 2B?

Yoko: A2 and 2B both have different Self Data. It is possible to do the implant. Since this reply was written in a hurry, I will skip the details.

Q: Despite being the same “No. 2” Type, when 9S first encountered A2, why did it feel like 9S had such a weak reaction in that encounter?

Yoko: It’s because he didn’t notice. Since this reply was written in a hurry, I will skip the details.

Q: Despite 2B being killed right before 9S’ eyes, why did he harbor such strong hate towards A2?

Yoko: Did it look like he hated her? Since this reply was written in a hurry, I will skip the details.

Q: In the World Guide Book as well as the Recital Drama’s script we saw the inclusion of the unsightly transcription of the “Country of Dawn” and the “Country of Night”. Could you give us some details about this?

Yoko: In the World of “NieR”, in the past, the Earth’s axis had been distorted, because of that, a perpetuity of a world of day and a world of night exists. I wrote this reply in a hurry so from here on out I will skip the details.

Q: From the Recital Drama, we now know that the one who conceived the “YoRHa Project” is Zinnia, as well as No.9 who knew of his plans. Is it safe to assume that No.9 and 9S are the exact same model?

Yoko: The names are different hence the model is different. Since this reply was written in a hurry, I will skip the details.

Q: Of all things, why did No.9 decide to help Zinnia with the “YoRHa Project”, despite being full of spite against the Project?

Yoko: There has been a misunderstanding. No.9 did not resent the YoRHa Project, rather, at the design of YoRHa units (The Black Box). Since this reply was written in a hurry, I will skip the details.

Q: Is there a reason as to why Zinnia and Pod042 share the same voice actor (Yasumoto)?

Yoko: It is because Zinnia is Pod042’s personal data prototype. Since this reply was written in a hurry, I will skip the details.

Q: In the Recital Drama, there was no passage pertaining A2’s awakening, is it safe to assume that she woke up somewhere?

Yoko: If anything, “to assume” is all up to you. Since this reply was written in a hurry, I will skip the details.