#i shld be working...heart

[skunkes]

[housecatclawmarks]

I don’t feel regret for this bc it was important shit but last year i DID get so caught up in other stuff that i forgot to stop pulling my punches and im gonna try not to let that happen this year cause even if over all i have much bigger priorities that im putting a lot MORE energy into, i still dont deserve to let people treat me like shit in smaller ways.

[dreamertrilogys]

Hello sorry to bother ik this is very random and out of nowhere but i am not out to any family or any friends so i don't have anyone else to ask and the internet isn't really helping either and you came to mind so that's why i went to ask i hope that's ok but i recently acquired myself a binder in secret and overall it fits quite well (there's a lot more pressure than i'm used to on my chest and the first time i put it on my heart started pounding really hard and i can't put it on well. Stepping into it is impossible and over the head is very difficult also, but other than that it's fine) but it does dig into my skin quite a little under the armpits and i'm kind of freaking out about it have you encountered such problems too and is that normal or does that mean i should buy a size bigger? Really sorry to barge in but i'm really freaking out and idk what to do :'( the internet says that buying a binder that's too small can cause serious issues so i'm like a little scared right now ... Again sorry to bother and thank you in advance ❤

hey ! don’t worry abt bothering me i promise u aren’t. as for the binder i’ve never personally encountered such issues myself but from what i can tell it does seem like it might be too small for you unfortunately :(. maybe check out the company’s return policy, sorry </3

[noxtivagus]

OH I JUST REMEMBERED RN i shld play games on my switch again, it's been a long time ><

[lovelyunholyc]

have been v active these past few weeks i deserve a lil treat

[actuallycassidyiambusy]

It rlly bums me out tht ur art is so looked over bc of more popular ships. Have u evr thought about getting urself more noticed by drawing zolu or shuggy? Dnt get me wrong I luv ur bluffy art pls dnt stop making it but does it evr bother u tht u dnt get the attention u shld

You know what? It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I draw what I like and I always will. I don't really like Zoro and I don't like the zolu ship, so why waste my energy drawing them or him? It's another reason I don't do commissions. I won't put my heart into something I don't enjoy just because I'm being paid.

I love Shanks and I've entertained the idea of teenage Shuggy only in my writing. But beyond that, I don't really care for the ship 🤷🏻 I prefer Mishanks. I'm not putting down anyone who enjoys these ships, they're just not for me.

As far as "getting the attention I should" I don't like that phrase. Tbh it's a little narcissistic. I don't believe I'm entitled to any attention. I'm grateful for the followers that interact with me. Just because I don't fit in with the popular artists on here, doesn't mean I'm not good. I get plenty of art requests and questions not only about Bluffy, but about my original works as well. So, I can honestly say that I am happy with that.

[luvvvivii]

hi lovey!!

could you write a imagine of reader who is scared of cats so when Minho takes her to a cat cafe for a date she wants to back out but he basically makes her see they aren't so scary after all

if you write it could you tag me pls so I could see it?

hope you're doing good :)

a cat's surprise — l.mh

pairing - minho x gn!reader

genre - fluff, imagine

wc - 917

warnings - not proofread (get used to this), dear used as pet name, reader is scared of cats, probably inaccurate ways of befriending a cat but it's okay

a/n - hii, thank u for requesting! it shld notify u when I answer it but I'll tag just in case, hope u enjoy!! @jinnie-ret

synopsis - going to a cat cafe as a date with your boyfriend was not something you thought you'd ever do

"c'mon dear, they're not that bad." your boyfriend almost pleaded with you, his face pouting slightly.

"no minho. I will not be going to that cat cafe. end of. you know how much cats scare me!" you sighed — as much as you'd like to go with him, you could already imagine those small, ferocious beasts lingering around.

"I promise you yn, they won't hurt you. just come along, I'll pay for everything you buy? plus, if any of the cats hurt you in any way, I'll give you twenty bucks each time."

and so, that was how you arrived at your current predicament. slowly putting your shoes on to go on a date with lee minho to the cat cafe. you wondered how on earth you'd be able to survive, especially with so many cats all over the cafe. at least I get some cash, you had thought to yourself.

the walk to the cafe was an agitating one, you had no clue how you'd stay sane. whenever you saw a cat — no matter how close or far away — you would always go crazy. minho sensed your panic, and so he held your hand with a squeeze, shooting you a small smile of reassurance. it warmed your heart, so you took a mental note to do something nice for him later as well.

sooner or later, you both arrived at the cat cafe. even from the outside, you could see the cats frolicking around and mingling with the guests. you shivered. "are you sure nothing's going to happen to me?"

"one hundred percent, yn. now should we go in?" minho stretched out his hand for you to take, in which you gladly accepted with a giggle. being alongside your lover gave you a huge sense of comfort, so you brushed off the nerves and took in a deep breath.

the bells jingled above you as the door opened, acknowledging your presence to the staff. suddenly, all cat eyes were on you, and you felt your breath hitch. it's alright yn, they won't do anything. minho's here as well! you tried to calm yourself down, but it was not working like how you'd like. minho — as always — understood your fear, and so waited patiently before you continued to walk in. once you collected yourself together, you quickly walked over to a table and sat down, eyeing around to make sure no cats were hiding. minho chuckled at your antics and soon opened the menu to begin ordering.

your food had arrived, and so far, no cat had come in any proximity to you. of course, being the cat magnet, minho did have a few encounters. but none ever ventured over to where you were sitting. and rightfully so. eventually, you started to like the place a bit more. the decorations were very much up to your standards, and their sweet treats were absolute perfection in your eyes!

just as you were about to leave, a small, tabby cat slowly approached your feet. what would you do? you couldn't scream, of course not. not only would that be embarrassing, you'd cause a ruckus in the cafe, and nobody would want that. so you did the next best thing. you froze right in place. it was so abrupt, even minho — who had gotten used to your behavior around cats — was caught by surprise.

"hm, quick question dear. since you've done so well being around cats, why don't I teach you how to become friendly with them?" the idea baffled you. he could see what position you were in, yet still continued as normal? although you had to admit, you have come so far out of your comfort zone already, why not take the final big step? slowly, you nodded. minho smiled wider than ever, and soon crouched down to start your lesson.

"first things first, get into the position I'm in. nothing too serious literally just crouch down. then, slowly bring out your hand to their face. don't point it down towards them, that's seen as a threat." you hesitantly obeyed him and eventually carried out everything he told you to. soon enough, the cat slowly but surely walked over and sniffed your hand. then, rubbed his cheeks against your hand. you felt as if you were about to collapse, but stayed strong to show you could do this.

"perfect! he loves you already. now, I'm pretty sure you can pet him. go ahead and try for me." you did exactly so. and just as minho had said, the cat did nothing but succumb to your touch. you almost cried at how soft he was being toward you. you saw out of the corner of your eye the way minho looked at you with pride. he had always known about your undying fear of the small animals, and seeing you slowly come over that fear — especially one about something he was so fond of himself — lifted a slight worry off his shoulders. "at least they can meet soonie, doongie, and dori without trouble." he chuckled to himself. unfortunately, it was soon time for you to leave. with a bit of hesitancy, you followed minho out of the cafe and walked back home.

that night, you slept with surprising ease. it lifted your spirits to know that you were no longer absolutely terrified of cats. of course, it would take a while to completely get over the fear. but as of now, you were making perfect progress, especially in minho's eyes.

©@luvvvivii all rights reserved | do not repost or translate

[iknowyuu]

hello! how are you doing?~

i was wondering if you could write a fic of sieun where reader and sieun r classmates , reader gets super good grades and is like rlly smart (js like him ) so sieun starts to develop a slight crush on reader. sieun starts to realise that reader is super good looking also 😮😮 then one day reader bumps into sieun and knocks over his books so they're picking them up tgt and reader goes "omg ur the sieun in my class! we shld hang out sometime"

😭😭i hope you get the gist of what im saying but its fine if you don't want to write it too 💓🙏

kdrama! sieun x reader

// read req!

note: someone else requested something similar but i ended up not publishing, i hope u both enjoy !!

♡

at first, sieun was annoyed at you.

i mean, he’s been working almost his whole life, over a decade to be the best of the best, the top of his class, then you waltz in and ruin everything.

and the worst part? you'd barely noticed.

in fact, you had been so painfully oblivious to the fact that he absolutely despised you, that when you bumped into him in the hallway, you not only smiled, but attempted to have a conversation with him.

"oh my gosh, i'm so sorry," you turned around just as swiftly as you were walking back to your class, only to recognize the person you'd bumped into. "sieun, right?"

he didn't confirm nor deny, simply staring at you blankly. you didn't let his lack of response deter you though, "i'm sorry for bumping into you, but it's crazy we've never talked! i'm pretty sure we're like, tied for the top of the class." you shrugged, "pretty cool. anyway, we should hang sometime! maybe we can exchange study tips?" you wiggled your eyebrows at him jokingly before bidding a farewell.

to say sieun was shocked was a complete understatement.

he was so used to the competitive culture of the classroom (him always ending up on top of course), that meeting someone not only as smart as him, but as friendly as you was.. not normal, to say the least.

as you slid the door open to your shared classroom, all the dislike and annoyance towards you melted from his heart, like an icicle drip dropping down to form a river of flushed feelings on the way to a sea of past emotions.

he made his way back to the classroom and since it was almost the end of lunch time, the desks were filled with chattering students, and amongst them was you- headphones on, scribbling down on a paper that had been left on your desk.

he sat at his seat, not breaking contact with your figure just a row ahead of him.

well, he wasn't annoyed at you anymore, that's for sure.

after that instance, sieun began to take more and more notice of you, but in a different way than what he had before. everytime you raised your hand to answer a question (beating him to it), he noticed how the pitch of your voice would raise a bit at the end, almost like you were unsure if you were correct or not- but you were. you always were.

your fingers would skillfully spin your pen under your desk and if it had been any other student they'd have been scolded, but since you're as smart as you are, the teachers let it slide, but that didn't stop it from being any less of a distraction to him. your fingers were so pretty and looked so soft, he wondered how they'd feel in comparison to his? interlaced with his own, even?

from your eyes that would robotically scan the papers handed to you, to the way your uniform framed your body as if it was perfectly tailored for you, he suddenly took notice of it all. even though it had just been a week or two since you both talked, he could not get you out of his head.

even now as he was supposed to be studying, he found it hard to focus on anything but you, only thoughts of you, you, you- "-ieun?"

he looked up in shock, eyes immediately meeting yours

"i was... just wondering if you wanted to study together after school today? i think it'd be really.." you thought for a bit, "beneficial if we put our heads together."

now normally sieun would not agree to such a request, especially from someone he barely even knows, but since it's you, he thought for a few seconds before subtly nodding his head in agreement.

"great! let's meet outside the school right after. it's a date!" you smile at him before making your way out of the classroom along with the rest of the students.

a what?

♡

taglist (send an ask/comment to be added or removed!): @brxght-world @karyuliee @kkaesslovr @qtaisuu @midnightgyu @neteyams-wife @insomngyu @raybeomgyuu @woonierkiz @venus-fly-trap105

[snow-143]

Water Coloured Tears | Jeon Jungkook

three- drunken rambles (0.5k words)

Jungkook’s pov:

7am. Soft light is shining through my curtains, blinding my dry eyes a little. God, what did I do last night? Searching for my phone, I'm a little shocked when I find it still open. On a call with...

with y/n? The fuck? 

Well this is far worse than anything else I was thinking. Great job Kook. So much for keeping your distance. Who am I kidding, that plan was catapulted out of the window when Miss fuckface paired us together.

Sighing I unlock my phone, hoping whatever I find on there will enlighten me on my thought process. 

And what do you know, it opens right into my notes app, with a lengthy paragraph. This should be good. 

It takes me a little longer than I'd like to admit to be able to understand the words I had written down. My drunken rambles and the current state of my vision don't seem to mix well. Who would've thought?

-I asaw her today agsim. MY chets hurt. She didnt seem happy to see me :( I was a meanie. She so prety when she mad tho. Wantd to squish her cheks. But noooo av got to be an IDIOT! Kookie IK your reeding this. YOURE AN IDIOT. shld i text her? i should. im smart unlik you!

shes not replyng. Does she hate me? I'm sorry :( it just hurts to see you love. i wish i cud tell you al of this. but itll hrt you even more. i dont wanna hurt u. i dont wana hurt. i sould call her? shes saw? seen? idk but she red the mesage. im gonna call her.

SHE ANSERED! kook she answerd we were scared for nothing. her voive so prety. I missed her voice. I miss her.

JEOM JUNGKOOK YOU BETTR NOT FORGER TO MEEET HER. CAFE 2PM. DOT BE PUSSY.

so stupid. gonna apolisse. shes so quite.

she said irs okay :( ts not okay. i know its not. was noce to hear tho. its okay :)

m so sleepy. so noce to talk again tho nixkxk njuhi-

Well that was a hard read. 

She stayed on the call after I fell asleep? Sighing I roll over and try and get some more sleep. Not hanging up the call. 

----------------

12pm. Safe to say my attempt to sleep off my hangover didn't work. Unless you count me lying in bed listening to her soft breaths until my phone died. Best part is I was about to finally pass out right when I realised her little sighs had been cut off. 

That was 9am. Three hours ago. Three whole hours of me stressing out about what I'm meant to do. 

I could just not show up and say I didn't remember, even I know that's too far. I'll have to face her eventually anyway. She probably won't even show up. Right? Right. It'll be fine. I'll go just in case. 

It's okay. The words do laps around my head the whole time I'm waiting for her. Yes waiting. I showed up an hour early. Like some over exited loser.

I wonder how she said it. Was she being genuine? Was it half hearted words fuelled by pity?

That's something I may never know, but right now I know that she's walking directly towards me. Shit. Shit. SHIT.

prev | m.list | next

////////////////

a/n: stressed asf lately so bare with me guys 🙏

[borom1r]

2, 3, 7, 8, 9, 12, 14, 18, 20, 22 for lotr from the violence ask meme 😈

OK i have answered 2 already but lets do this thing fuck yea (thank uuuuuuuuuu!!!!!)

3) screenshot or description of the worst take you’ve seen on tumblr

look its not really a "take" but the amount of people who just post variations of "I don't like Boromir, he's the worst" IN THE BOROMIR TAG is genuinely insane to me. like have ur (incorrect) opinion but keep it out of the tag worstie

7) what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

uhhhh no one thank the gods. ive always disliked Denethor Because of canon. but i will say stumbling across the file index of an old LotR fansite + clicking on files w/ no preview only to find graphics thirsting over Denethor did cause massive psychic damage lmao

8) common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

idk 😭 i dont interact w/ the broader fandom really. i do find the way ppl reduce Pippin to Just a joke character in fanon insufferable tho

9) worst part of canon

BOOK!FARAMIR + HIS MIDDLEMEN SHTICK MY WORSTIE.

also ngl i do find the Aragorn/Arwen romance....... Weird. like I'm far from averse to "love at first sight" so long as it comes with the recognition that it's really more infatuation + true love takes work. and there's the fact Aragorn fell head over heels for an image of Lúthien, and Arwen's heart did not turn towards him until Galadriel dressed him up in elven finery. not to mention she was "not yet weary of her days" when Aragorn dies + has to die "whether I will or I nill" like she. wastes away? slowly alone in Lothlórien.

like idk [Aragorn kinnie voice] that's my sister, man but all that aside I do think.. Arwen deserved better? I like that the movies made her more active + I do wish she'd actually been there at Helm's Deep bc it would've been fun to see her and Éowyn bond but yeah. the vibes were off with that whole situation imho

12) the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

huh. does Théodred count? i feel like he's kind of a blank slate so fandom can just kinda run wild with him but i do genuinely enjoy writing him + find that there are solid implications for at least a friendship between him + Boromir (if not more). i mean, Boromir got a Rohirric shield from someone

14) that one thing you see in fics all the time

ok th implication here bein its sth that bothers me which thankfully i pretty much only read Aramir or Faramir/Éomer fics soooo theres not much??

i think the only things that RLLY get to me + they aren't THAT popular trope-wise (or ive been rlly good at avoiding them lmao) are fics that 1) make Boromir overly aggressive or 2) completely woobify Faramir

+ tbh the Faramir one bothers me more actually. that is a grown ass man and captain of the rangers of Ithilien.....................

18) it’s absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on…

HRM. again idk :3 <- blissfully not interacting w the broader fandom + only interacting w/ ppl w correct takes on Boromir + Rohan

(tentatively i need to start following more ppl i see some of yall in my notes + i shld follow. sorry im like a nervous dog u need to coax out from under the porch lol)

20) part of canon you found tedious or boring

side-eyeing my copies of the Histories. i need to finish those. eventually.............

22) your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

ignores?????? nothing i think (thankfully lmao) but i will say there is SO much detail in the films that it makes me INSANE. ik we literally just talked abt this in DMs lmao but i could sit n talk abt LotR costuming for fucking HOURS the films were SO stunning and the clothing alone reveals sooooooo much abt the characters i think its a super underrated vehicle for character analysis :3

[sapphicdib]

Excuse me?? Go on?? I wanna know about those headcanons

Also i appreciate bringing my by now old art back to light ^^

OHHH U WANT HEADCANONS?? [cracks knuckles]

(also ofc dude! u shld thank @/creaturevoiddweller for putting it on my dash tho hehe)

ANYWAYS THE HCS UR DRAWING SPECIFICALLY LINED UP WITH ARE:

Moon being taller/generally bigger than Sig…normally i’m not feral over height differences but god theirs drives me insane

Moon loving the stars. I feel like after her collapse, they were one of the few things that brought her comfort. Within canon I’m pretty sure you can see the stars even during the day (they’re green too!! super cool) so she loves to study them and their movements. The rare occasions when the rain comes after night falls are her favorites, being able to see them more clearly in the dark always excites her. Going on a lil stargazing date would probably melt her heart !!

Sig being fucking whipped for Moon 😭 this is a fucking given but him being distracted and at Moon instead of the sky because she considers her prettier than even the starts makes me. AUGH.

(More general hcs below the cut so this post doesn’t become a million miles long)

Sig learns to knit and makes Moon a scarf and a couple cloaks after her collapse. He actually has a lot of hobbies because he doesn’t think the great problem is solvable, nor does he really care to solve it anyways. He even says he’s got “nothing better to do with my time” when Suns asks him if he’s going to purpose another messenger. Meanwhile Suns says “you have two options, do nothing or work like you’re supposed to” in terms of what to do with your time.

Moon loves picking Sig up/holding her/generally grabbing her n throwing her around because she’s actually quite strong and Sig is smaller than her. Sig does not mind in the slightest.

They’re both interested in bioengineering. Sig more so, but Moon mentons Rivulet’s interesting adaptations and knows a lot about the flora and fauna of the world. I think they bonded over this quite a bit.

Speaking of, Sig was also a more medical-oriented facility. Pebbles mentions that he “was not a medical facility even when the equipment was functioning” to hunter, so the iterators may have had more specialized niches as the generations went on. Therefore, she becomes the sort of defacto “puppet-doctor” of the local group, helping to fix things like broken joints or umbilicals after the ancients disappear. Also just the slag reset keys in general. I have a drawing about this I’m finishing soon so watch out for that hehe

Moon’s kindness absolutely rubbed off on Sig. When he first got put online, she interacted with him a lot as his personality core was still developing, and he picked up on some of her traits. In terms of age I see their group as Moon and Suns (gen 1), Sig and Chasing Wind (mid gen) and Unparalleled Innocence and Pebbles (final gen).

SIG TEACHING MOON STUPID GAMER LINGO AND UWU SPEAK CAUSES A DISASTER IN THE LOCAL GROUP CHATS. The first time she says “poggers” sends everyone into an uproar and Sig gets multiple DMs being like “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.”. Sig thinks it’s the funniest shit in the world.

Moon is a lesbian, Sig is a bisexual gender-fluid disaster. I’m sure you can tell from my rambles I use he/she/they/it pronouns for her.

Moon’s nickname for Sig is “doll”. “Little thing” is also a common one, since Sig jokes that his gender is just “thingy”.

I can’t think of any more but thank you so much for the ask!! I love these two so fucking much and getting to ramble about them makes me so happy, especially because I’m absolutely suffering on my period rn and it distracted me from the pain. I love ur art sm!!!!

[ryverbind]

Faceless Fixation {Sal Fisher}: Scottish Lord Larry Johnson [7]

I fly into a sudden and painful sitting position at the sound of my phone ringing loudly through my room.

My desk chair flies back at the force I put into my action and I jump in fear of falling, steadying myself with outstretched arms and wide eyes. My heart pounds wildly, causing me to place a hand to my chest and let out a shocked yelp.

Once I'm still and the threat of busting my ass is dismal, I heave a slow, shaky breath and blink my tired eyes.

I slept hard, but I definitely didn't sleep well.

My hair is a mess, tangled around my neck and around other strands, a necklace is choking me better than a hand could, and my left arm and side are so sore that I have to physically wince once I try to move it.

A dull burn spreads through my limb and across my ribs and torso as I stretch my arm out to grab my phone sitting in front of my keyboard.

My most fatal flaw is that I use black-out curtains. No matter the time of the day, it's nearly impossible for me to get out of bed because it's always dark and cozy. This morning-- night?-- is no different seeing as the only light comes from my keyboard, the rainbow colors shifting and changing with languid movements. Not a single ounce of outside light fills my room. I can't see my bed, my windows, or even my feet with how dark it is-- I only have a plethora of colors mixing across my outstretched hand.

I blink myself out of my sleepy haze, pinching my lips together as I snatch my phone from the desk, a plastic scratching sound filling the empty space around me before the device is lifted to my face.

My eyes squint against the harsh light of my screen as I look at my missed call-- the damn call that woke me up.

It was Larry of all people.

I purse my lips, staring down on his contact and wondering how I should contact him. I can't call him-- he'd recognize my voice in an instant. So, I opt to text him, unlocking my phone and opening a new text message with him.

My fingers hover over my keyboard, my heart pounding uselessly and for no good reason as a chill erupts along my skin. It's just Larry. Sure, I have this fake persona hanging over my head and it's at risk of dying every single day, but Lar and I have been friends for years. It's fine.

I send a quick text, "hey, everything okay? i was sleeping!" then shut my phone off, dropping it to my lap.

With a sigh, I tilt my head up to look at my black ceiling, the corners of my room enveloped in eerie shadows that make my spine tingle with fear just a bit. I'm not a fan of the dark unless I'm passed out, so being suddenly wide awake in my otherwise abyss-like room is a bit creepy.

My phone buzzes against my thigh, so I lift it, holding it above me. Larry answered pretty quickly.

I glance at the time before reading his message. 10:58am.

Lar-Bear :3 ofc y/n just wana bother u n c if u'll join me n the gang tmr

Me errr not sure what you mean...

Lar-Bear :3 ur still n la right???

Me sure am :)

Lar-Bear :3 well we r abt 2 fly out 2 vegas u shld pop by cuz we miss u

I swallow thickly, blinking at the message as a sense of yearning fills me up to the brim. My invite, thanks to Ash, was enough to make me feel bad. But even Larry is asking me, personally, without knowing my secret side, to go and meet up with them. I'm not sure why, but I genuinely have felt that Ash is the only one who's wanted to see me.

Larry, Todd, and I don't talk all that often outside of my second personality, but we still consider ourselves to be close friends.

I don't want to tell Larry no. In fact, I want nothing more than to drop everything going on right now and actually fly out to Las Vegas to finally see everyone. But I can't. I have responsibilities at home, no where near enough money or time, and no way to conceal myself to continue playing out the role of VioletViolence.

Me :( i would really love to, but i don't have the money plus i have a shift to work tomorrow. it sucks cause you guys will be so close, but i won't be able to. i'm so sorry

I shut my phone off again and toss it onto my desk, flinching lightly at the loud thunk that echoes in my small, quiet, dark room.

I'm tired of hiding, of not being able to do anything because of financial issues and fear. Life shouldn't be this way-- it wasn't always this way even if it feels like it's been.

Not too long ago, I used to go out and take walks to the local library, hang out with my coworkers from the diner, and sometimes I'd even go out for a drink. But, as of recent, I just don't want to because of so many things that I shouldn't be dealing with at all, especially at such a young age.

I distance myself without wanting or meaning too, I just never have the energy to do more than what's required of me. Work, eat, sleep. That's it-- the same repeated cycle every single day.

Not to mention, I already struggle with making friends. I've always been a bit of a loner, only having a few friends in high school-- mainly because I was forced to socialize with the rest of my percussion section in band. Even then, they were all closer than I was with them.

Having to move from Nockfell killed any bit of outgoing personality I had, I think. I'm lucky enough to have my four-- three-- friends now.

So shouldn't I try to at least hold on to what I do have? Why can't I do just that?

With a gulp and an unwanted numbness starting to take over my sudden rush of emotions, I abruptly stand from my desk and walk to the door of my room, aggressively flicking on the lights.

I squint against the aggressive ability to see, noting that my room is just as untouched as it was when I started streaming last night-- my bed's made, the white pillows, black comforter, and Levi Ackerman plushie in their rightful places. There's still a pile of clean clothes taking up the left back corner of my floor. I need to fold them. My desk is still as tidy as it can possibly get and situated against my window, and my TV is hanging on the wall beside my tiny-as-fuck closet. Nothing's new. Nothing's different.

The same, uneventful morning as every other day.

And I have work in two hours.

I pick up my phone again, glancing down at a few more messages from Larry.

Lar-Bear :3 $$$ isnt a prob we got u n fuck ur boss come out!!!!!!! >:((((( how dare u tell a Scottish Lord no lest mine eyes beseech me

A light, amused smile quirks my lips for a moment.

Me Scottish Lord??????????

Lar-Bear :3 u heard me todd purchased land 4 my last bday n it made me a Scottish Lord legally i own a square ft of prairie land but it's MY square ft n i get 2 write Lord b4 my name on every legal doc so it checks out

I roll my eyes. Of course Todd had to go and stroke Larry's unnecessarily inflated ego just a bit-- and now he gets to call himself Lord Larry Johnson. Perfect.

Still, I'm giggling at it a bit. It is pretty funny, especially since he's so proud of his title.

Me lmao that's really cool larry. i'll make sure to call you Lord Lar-bear from now on, 'kay? but still, i really can't make it to vegas. just funds and work broski, i'm sorry and i really do miss all of you <3

Lord Lar-Bear :3 >:( u defy Lord Lar yet again ur punishment is 2 ignore responsibilities n come live it up in vegas

Me Larry LMAO please :,)))

Lord Lar-bear :3 :( ik, just lidding kidding* i mean i am lidding 2 straight lidding the top of a can of baked beans mom gave me u ever straight lid a can

Text conversations with Larry are never dull. Even though I still won't be able to go and see him and my other friends, I'm happy and content with having his companionship. He's a good friend who clearly knows how to lighten up a tense situation

Me nope, can't say i have. what, pray tell, is 'straight lidding?'

Lord Lar-Bear :3 smh uncultured swine i've raised u wrong STRAIGHT LIDDING is when u lick the lid of a can of shit cause u just can who wldn't wana straight lid

Me ewwwww lar 0_0 you're licking shit???? i'm sorry, forgive me, Lord Lar-Bear-- you're STRAIGHT LIDDING cans of shit?????

Lord Lar-Bear :3 -_- fuck myc ock just 4 tht, yea i am lidding straight shit (҂◡̀_◡́)ᕤ

I don't realize I'm smiling down at my phone until Ash's contact pops up when she calls.

I flinch back at her loud ringtone, nearly dropping the device, but I regain composure and quickly answer, lifting it to my ear.

"Y/n!!!!" Ash squeals excitedly. "Just wanted to let you know that I'm with all the boys right now!"

I take the hint immediately, noting the slight warning lilt in her voice. I need to be incognito-- no talk of Vi right now.

"Hey, Ash," I breathe, swallowing my nerves and preparing myself for any unwanted scenarios.

Voices fill in the silence from Ash's end of the call, the sound of various conversations and shuffling filling me with unwarranted anxiety. I'd be panicking if I were in her position right now.

"We're at the airport right now, getting ready to fly out to Las Vegas! Larry said that you can't come. Boo." Ash's fabrication of the truth slips from her lips like butter, spreading out so evenly that no one would suspect that she's covering up the fact that she already invited me to Vegas.

Still, I'm shocked to hear that they're leaving now. "Really?" I ask. "How long will you guys be there?"

"We're taking a week-long trip since it's, duh, Vegas. There's some kind of exclusive party happening tomorrow night, then we'll just be sight-seeing-- if we can-- for the next few days," my friend chirps, hissing out some kind of insult aimed at Larry before returning to the call. "Of course, we have work stuff to do-- bleh-- but we have the nights free. Hopefully it'll be fun, but it would have been better with you!"

I chew on the inside of my cheek, feeling a lump build in the back of my throat. Las Vegas sounds so fun. Jealousy and pure longing burn my insides, flames licking up the sides of my deflated morale. This is a dangerous situation for me, just as most unpredictable moments are.

Right now, I'm willing to drop absolutely everything and declare bankruptcy just so I can fly out and reunite with my closest friends.

"Yea, I wish I could come," I decide to say quietly, looking down at my bare feet as they kick at my black rug.

"THEN COME!!!!" A voice bellows, one that I can distinctly point out as Larry's.

My eyes widen and I find myself smiling again.

"Ash, tell him I said, 'I bet you'd like that, Lord Lar,'" I quickly say, holding my phone to my face with two hands as a giggle bubbles up my throat despite knowing that it's a risky move. Suppose he'd take the phone from Ash, for example.

"Ohhhh," Ash drawls, rolling her tongue, "Y/n's frisky today." Her voice sounds a bit quieter as she, probably, moves away from her phone to talk to Larry. "She says, 'I bet you'd like that, Lord Lar.'"

I can't contain my smile again, listening to Larry's muffled, outlandish guffaw leaking through the call. I can hear Ash's little giggles accompanying Larry's awful excuse of some kind of him-style seduction.

"Anyway," Ash breathes cheerily, returning to our conversation again. "Hopefully we'll be able to come and visit you soon, lovely. Until then, we'll update you with photos and scary tales of our time."

I lick my suddenly dry lips, nodding subtly before remembering that my dear friend can't see it. "That sounds good," I say, clearing my throat. "Have a safe flight and trip, and enjoy yourselves!"

"You know we will, honey! Nous vous aimons, Chérie!"

The call ends, her personal goodbye making no sense in my mind, though I'd guess it has something to do with loving me, given Ash's track record and knack for learning random phrases in other languages.

I feel lighter after talking with my friends, but I'm still aching on the inside. I hate knowing that they'll be so close, but still too far for me to reach them.

After days of having the party invitation marinating in my emails, I pull it up-- even if I am just adding fuel too my already raging fire and entertaining a fantasy that should only exist in my dreams.

Ya boi Kieran. I have no fucking clue who he is, but whatever.

I wonder if anyone would actually show up without clothes? I'll have to ask Ash if that happens. I'm sure she'll fill up my phone with photos too.

I shut my phone off with a huff, glaring at my toes buried in the ashen depths of my rug, dreading the moment that I have to step away from it's warm confines and embrace the cold wooden flooring. I wish I could stay in this moment forever before things get worse. With the path I'm headed down today, I'm bound to end up feeling even more guilty and lonesome than I already am.

Things always get worse before they get better.

Most of my long day is spent tending to ungrateful and inconsiderate customers, going as far as kicking a rowdy woman out myself. Lucky for me, I was able to convince her that I was the manager. Still not sure how I managed (haha, get it?) but I prevailed. Not that I really wanted to.

It's well after nine in the evening once I'm finally walking home, lazily putting one foot in front of the other as people rush past me, all drunk or on their way to it.

The stars and moon are hidden by all of the city lights, robbing me of a pretty view as per usual. Footsteps and laughter echo around me, conversations I shouldn't hear flitting about my head as a distraction from the terrorizing reminder that my friends are a mere couple hours away from me and I can't see them. The flashing headlights from cars and mirrored reflections on buildings blind me enough to steal my attention away from my morbid and overactive mind.

I almost hate to continue walking toward my apartment building, knowing that I'll be alone with my disquiet. I'll only have myself to talk to.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, so I instinctually pull it out, unlocking it and looking at the screen. 

It's from The Faces Discord chat.

It's a photo that makes my entire body tense up with happiness and nausea all at the same time. Ash and Larry have their faces pressed together, the photo a close up of them-- I can't even see their necks. But the picture is so blurry that I can really only see their blurry outlines and smiling mouths. 

A little giggle leaves my lips as I react to the photo with a heart emoji then shut off my phone, stuffing it back into my pocket as I walk up to my apartment building. 

I don't bother greeting the security guard, only throwing him a polite little smile as I amble over to the elevators on tired and achy feet, taking the far too silent ride up to a higher floor.

But, a sudden rush of excitement washes over me upon finding that my apartment door is unlocked.

Dad's home.

Maybe my day was rough, and it did get worse like I suspected, but it got better too. I'm thrilled upon realizing my father is lying behind this door-- I haven't seen him in about a week now.

I rush into the apartment, throwing the door open and only wincing a bit when the handle hits the wall with a loud thunk. 

My excitement is paused as I sink in on myself, nervous about whether neighbors are going to complain or if there'll be an extra bill we'll have to pay-- just to see dad rounding the corner with an alarmed look on his face.

He looks at the door, then up to me, relief filling his gaze as he relaxes his stance and smiles at me. 

"Well, hell, Ducks. That's quite an entrance," he snickers, walking toward the door with long strides. He pulls the hunk of wood, checks the wall, then looks at the knob before swinging the door closed. "Good thing we have no damages, huh?"

"Oh, really?" I breathe, my skin cooling off from the rapid heat that'd overtaken me due to my panic. "Sorry, dad. I didn't mean to slam it, I just..."

Dad shakes his head, scrunching his eyebrows together as he waves me off, "No issue. I thought someone was coming to murder me, but I'm alive so I guess I'm not too disappointed."

I reel back, eyes widening at his slight dig. "Damn, rough day?" I giggle, knowing he's only joking.

"Meh," he shrugs with a big smile. "Same as always. How about you, Ducky?"

My mouth feels dry as I purse my lips. I try to say something, but anxiety silences me. So I just let my mouth shut again and shrug at my father who presses his lips into a thin line, pretty much catching my drift.

He takes a step forward and wraps an arm around my shoulders, directing me to the kitchen where the scent of bacon overwhelms me immediately. The smell is so strong that I'm shocked I couldn't detect it sooner.

"Tell me what's going on, hun," Dad says, walking towards the stove and dumping an egg mixture into a pan, the food sizzling as soon as it makes contact with the hot surface. Dad loves breakfast for dinner-- though this seems like it's closer to being considered a midnight snack.

"It's really not important," I say shyly, struggling as I lean against the refrigerator, my finger running along a ceramic horse-shaped magnet that I painted as a child. "Just trying to get this little... side job kickstarted, I guess?"

"It's always important, okay?" Dad says softly but seriously, sending me a little scolding look over his shoulder before returning to his cooking. "You can tell me anything. Every feeling is justified. But how's that going for you? I know you told me that you were going to start streaming with Ash, I haven't heard anything since."

I perk up a bit, knowing that I have at least a bit of good news to tell him. "It's actually going really well," I say, my voice a lot lighter compared to how heavy and down it was moments ago. "My last stream amassed about eight thousand viewers. I should be getting around $250 for that soon. I've been playing with Ash, Larry, Todd, and their friend Sal." It always feels weird to say Sally's real name, but in this case, my dad would probably understand that better than the guy's supposed stage name.

"That's great, honey, congratulations!" Dad chuckles a bit, a wide smile enveloping his stubbly face. "I'm really happy to hear that. $250 is good money for one night, yea." He nods his head in such a rhythmic way that it looks like he's listening to music. "So, how is the gang?"

I chew on my bottom lip. "They're doing well as far as I know. They, um... they're all in Vegas right now." My voice trails off toward the end as I purposefully thrust myself into the memory. Sometimes I just want to hurt. Maybe because it's the only thing that can feed into my make-believe scenarios at night-- once all the lights are out and I'm tucked into bed, my blankets pulled up to my chin. When it's just me and my monster of a mind.

Dad's startlingly quick spin pulls me from my thoughts and I look up, noting his exhilarated expression-- a wide smile to match his wide eyes and risen brows. 

"You're kidding!" Dad says breathlessly, disbelief leaking from his deep voice. "When are they coming over here? They are coming, right?"

I look away from him. I know he misses my friends too-- after all, they were always hanging out at our apartment when we lived in Nockfell. He thought of Ash, Larry, and Todd as his own. We were all very close and I'm going to have to disappoint him. "No, they won't be coming. I think they have some stuff to do while they're there."

Dad deflates in a moment's notice, his shoulders falling just as his expression does. "Damn," he hisses, pursing his lips. "Really?"

I swallow the aggravating lump in my throat and chew on the inside of my cheek, trying not to think about how deeply the entire situation affects me. It's almost embarrassing to ache for something as strongly as I do-- to want and need something so fucking bad. Anyone else would say I don't need it, I just want it. But it doesn't feel that way.

"Yea, really," I say quietly, crossing my arms over my chest. "They... they invited me to go with them," I confess, unable to meet dad's eyes. "But money's tight and I'm working for the rest of the week anyway, so."

"Ducks," dad says, his voice disbelieving and a little upset. So I look up at him and try not to waver under his sad gaze. "Tell me you didn't tell them no because of that."

I scrunch my brows and shake my head lightly. "Of course I did. It's the truth."

Dad sighs, turning back to his eggs. "Go into my room and grab my wallet and my laptop," he mumbles, using a spatula to stir his concoction.

My heart races, hoping that he isn't trying to get me to Vegas, but praying he does at the same time. I feel guilty for wanting something like that, so I contain it, doing as he says and slipping away from the kitchen to walk into his room across from mine.

I flip on the lights, quickly scooping his wallet and laptop into my hands from his bed and wobbling back to the kitchen, placing the device with his wallet on top onto the counter. 

Dad leans down, switching the stove off then leaning over to grab a piece of bacon. "Food's ready," he says between the slice in his mouth. He turns around and walks to my side, opening his laptop and logging in.

The man sucks on the bacon like it's a lollipop and clicks on various things on his laptop, his eyes moving quickly as the screen reflects onto them.

"Alright," he says, finally biting off a piece of bacon and gesturing to the screen.

I look over, gulping at the list of flights leaving Los Angeles with Las Vegas as their destination. 

"Dad--" I scramble to get out, looking up at him with horror in my gaze and pain filling my heart. We don't have the money for this and I don't need it.

My father just rolls his eyes and takes another bite of his bacon. "Shush, y/n. Pick a day you want and spend a night out there. Okay? I want you to visit your friends. Plus, I have savings. A little trip for you won't hurt, so don't worry."

I glance back at the screen with tears filling my eyes and my heart racing so quickly that my limbs feel numb. I could die right now and I'd still be happy.

My dad and I have tackled everything together. It's always been just us two, even when mom was still around. He and I went to therapy together, we went on trips together, we did homework together. We've been with each other at our highest and lowest points. After everything, still, to this day, he manages to give me what I want most when I'm at my worst. 

He's lucky I'm not a spoiled brat, but I'm lucky that he isn't mom.

I snort, grabbing onto dad's shoulder and squeezing. "Fuck you," I murmur jokingly, to which he flicks me off with a cheeky little smile.

"Seriously, though," he says, squeezing my hand that rests on his shoulder. "Pick out a day and don't worry about a price."

I nod my head quickly, trying to overlook my guilt hurdle as my eyes travel over the screen. "I'd like to leave tomorrow if possible..." I murmur, frowning at the ridiculous last-minute flight prices. "There's a party they invited me to at nine tomorrow night, but I don't need to go."

"Look," he says, pointing a finger at a flight. "There's one here. You'd have to be out of the house for six tomorrow morning though. Can you do that? I'll drop you off at the airport for takeoff at eight."

"Ew," I say, shaking my head and taking a step away. "That's a $300 flight, dad. Absolutely not."

He looks at me blankly, then clicks on the flight since his cursor was already hovering there. 

I flinch, rushing forward as a wave of fear and guilt washes over me again. I don't need a $300 flight. I can just go another day. 

But dad holds a hand out, stopping me in my tracks with raised eyebrows and a stern expression. "Shut up and accept this nice deed," he warns, a little smile on his lips.

"Gosh, dad," I complain, feeling like I'm literally going to throw up when he looks back at the screen and autofills his bank account information before booking the flight. It's a thirty second ordeal of me fidgeting in my stance before deflating over the reality that I'm going to Las Vegas tomorrow morning.

"Don't 'gosh,dad!' me. I want you to go enjoy your day. Call into work early tomorrow morning while we're heading to the airport and tell them you're sick. Fuck the rules," Dad cackles ruthlessly, pushing his laptop away for a moment then opening his wallet. 

"What are you, an anarchist?" I snort, still fighting back tears.

Dad tilts his head as he flips through bills. "Thought you knew I already violated several Geneva Conventions," he murmurs, making a loud cackle of my own escape my lips.

I hope he's just kidding.

"Here," he says, shoving a few bills into my line of vision. "Take care of yourself while you're over there. Let's go find a hotel for you real quick, okay?"

I take the money without looking at it. I'd burst into tears and shove it back toward him if I saw the amount, I just know it.

So after I tuck the cash into my pocket, I let a smile pull at my lips as I watch my dad open a new search tab. I can't believe I got so lucky today. I thought dad was the icing on the cake-- but he just had to add a cherry on top too.

"Okay, thanks dad."

-------------

A/N::::::: i had a shitty day so here's a chapter :P

it's a bit fast-paced and boring but.... IT'S EXCITING TOO BECAUSE OUR REUNION IS COMING UP SOONNNNN IWHEFOIHEWOIFHOIEHF YAAAYYYYYYY can't breathe BUT I'M SO EXCITED

how do u guys think it'll go? :3

as always, i love each of you with my entire soul and being. You make up the contents of my heart. rest well, stay safe, and have a wonderful morning/day/evening/night <3333

[junjiie]

⊹ . ⠀ for my faves !!! ☆

♡ ⠀ you know who you are be fr.. My Four Faves!!!! (and taeil). i feel like tht shld be a trademarked phrase or sth LMAOO. anw. my gross little msgs for you 🤓 in no particular order i promise 😓 happy new yearr my sillies muah i love you all lots and lots!!!

› ⠀ GO ⠀ ★ ⠀ !

( @wave2love ) ⠀ ✦ ⠀ KARMA 🫧

let’s get this over with i Guess.. THE FIRST!!!! (on this acc anw). my main supporter when i was nothing but a nugu fr. i might start repeating what i said in my christmas msgs so sorry if i do but first. I LOVE YOUUU!!! MY STARMA!!! you are so strange and it’s a chore and a half to find songs you like and you spend way too much money on tiny bits of cardboard that really you could probably just print off and you make fun of me on twitter but i am taking one for the team and shouldering it all because i really do love you a lot 💗 my best friend!!! even if you call me a senior and apparently i have the worst reads ever (still scarred from how i got TORN TO PIECES over assigning you an idol and a song like. your other friends are crazy it was never that serious..) thank you for all the karma updates and the random little asks saying “us” (they really make my day) and reading over or looking at the things i send you and for letting me YAP on and on for two long ass paragraphs with multiple spelling mistakes about plots i am never going to actually follow through with (#RIPROCKET because let’s face it im probably never getting around to it). i still remember our pact and hopefully i’ll actually make a start on it this year. my tyun, my chenle, my ricky, my younger brother. i love you 💗

an us song ♪ ⠀ might b kind of an odd choice.. but it’s one i introduced you to!!! and you put it on your playlist!!! so it’s ours now ^.^

( @mins-fins ) ⠀ ✿ ⠀ ISA 🧸

ISAAA ML 🫶 another one of this accs first iktr.. I LOVE YOU SO MUCHHH i love your fics and your ocs and your brain (eats it) and all the comments you leave on my own stuff and all your asks (that i should really work on reciprocating omg!!! one of my resolutions will be to pop up in your inbox more i promise) and i just want to wrap you in a massive hug and spin you around until we fall over. even if you do make me want to log off permanently and start bawling with some of your angst fics (angst for MARK LEE of all people.. crazy). you are another one of my best friends ever!!! one of my favourites ever!!! you are so soft blanket cuddly teddy bear i want to do something really dumb and cringe with you like lie on a blanket in a park and look at the weird shaped clouds like they do in romcoms 😭 thank you for being one of the best parts of my year!!! you always make my day when we talk even just a little bit. i think you’re like an actual little pill of happiness omg.. i just love you so much. let’s have lots of fun this year too ^.^ isa wisaaa you’re my cinnamoroll jeno!!! and if i had to give us some other duos i think we’re quite haobin and sunkyu too 💗 (i think you’re very hanbin and changmin. for sure).

an us song ♪ ⠀ dream scenario where we’re in a dark room with blinding flashing disco lights and dancing and having fun and this is playing way too loudly in the background. this is our song now deal with it!! i love a bit of kylie omg.. x

( @so2uv @taeiun ) ⠀ ⟡ ⠀ SOL 🪼

i never know when you’re on which acc so i’ll j tag both. ‘become a dreamzen’ BETTER be on your to-do list for this year because so help me god i am going to make it happen. another from-the-start whaaaat!!! (all four of u are idk why i keep saying it like We Know..) I LOVE YOU SO BADDD CHEESECAKE OMG!!! actually so happy we got closer because you’re so cool and funny and amazing and a little Strange and Odd. in a good way. like i want to make you a little jellyfish tank in my heart or brain or chest something so you can live there and i can feed you. jellyfish food (????? boy i don’t know what jellyfish eat). thank you for the song recs and for listening to MY song recs (even if it takes you a while) and listening to my rambling and letting me in on things for fics or your ocs early (it makes me feel so special i fr giggle a little bit like what) and matching pfps w me (#2MIN4L.. we’re just too good) and forgiving me for unfollowing you like twice now 😓 (AN ACCIDENT BOTH TIMES I SWEAR). i love you a lot you’re so silly and fun and i’m glad i met you!!! i hope we talk a lot and have some fun this year too! and longer after that!!! my minho, my hyunjin, my renjun, my 원할 땐 맘껏 뿌려 jalapenos.. muah 💗

an us song ♪ ⠀ no, it’s not pretzel. it should’ve been. but it’s not. this is my favourite onlyoneof song, and i think it sounds a bit like you. so it’s ours now. Wink (ˊᗜˋ*)

( @astrozuya ) ⠀ ✶ ⠀ LUKA 💫

the FIRST first.. raise your hand if you remember heartchikara. and i55ji. and 7irara. ok the last 2 were the same acc but still. SFTOPP i went back and reread the thing i wrote you for your birthday and oh my god 😭 Call the Gay police.. this guy right here 🚨🚨🚔 ahhh but to be fr though i really meant it all :( i love you so baddd it makes my eye twitch and i start like breaking out into nervous giggles and i am at constant risk of exploding. i know we’ve kinda drifted a couple times this year so i am being FOR REAL when i say for 2024 im gonna try and annoy you so hard!!! you’ll be sick to death of me and scream for it to stop!!! but i just won’t!!! maybe not the long ass us otd ones as much (running out of us pictures.. there’s only so many duos i can pull out of my ass) but just. tiny little updates and stuff with songs that gave me a real #LUKAVIBE. thank you for still wanting to talk to me and listening to my song recs and sending me cute little asks and most of all for just. sticking around (๑´ㅂ`๑) it’s us forever loca!!! you are stuck with me i fear.. you’re a cute little rock or sea creature or something and im the barnacle attached to you. Forever. or maybe not if that’s too weird. #SOZ. so yeah. i love you so so soooo much. jjka (???? it was on the fly forgive me) duo 4L! my hyuka, my haechan, my hao, my slime (LMFAOO), and my star ⭐

an us song ♪ ⠀ it’s nothing new because it’s already on your playlist (sorry :<) but i just love it so much. steve lacy fr called me up and asked what i wanted to say to you and then made this song. Not even joking.

TAEIL ⠀ ₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎

laugh it up #IDGAF. guys he Will see this i am NOT crazy. stop do you wanna know sth funny.. before i started love, love, love he wasn’t even on my bias list 😭 back then it was mark jaehyun & doie LOLL. and then i wanted someone to be like a recurring theme so i chose taeil at random and then. i just fell down a massive rabbit hole. he’s so odd and weird and silly and strange and like genuinely i love him so bad????? he’s my ULT ult like i will never feel this crazy over another kpop guy EVER this is the end of the road for me. he is stuck with me forever (he does not know i exist). plus we’re literally #CONNECTED like my fave sanrio character is badtz-maru and guess who he got in the collab.. Yeah. ik ur all in shock rn. jjaeil is real johnny move over. kinda the worst year to become a mds though like he’s been THROUGH IT this year omg. i hope 2024 goes better for him and he makes a full recovery ^.^ god knows how im gonna cope when he enlists but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. thank you taeil for being my favourite and bringing me comfort, i love you ♡

you all deserve like. the whole world and more. muah 💕 happy new year lomls.. stay safe, maybe get a little drunk (NOT karma. go to bed toddler..), have fun, and i wish you all love and happiness and money and good music and good movies and good food. KISSESSS from ur fave (Me). baii!!!

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

diiary 2/25/2023

okayyy i been needing to write a longform post for a while! just to chronicle some thoughts in a cohesive way. & getting straight to the point: i'm realizing there is very little, if ANY payoff, to being an artist online. i'm not talking about money. im talking about the way it's like, the more ppl start to see you as an "artist", the more they feel like ur some kind of public figure they can lash out at w no repercussions. ur humanity is just wiped from their minds. i don't have some huge following by any means but for ME its gotten big since in the past i've been a serial deleter. usually at 800 followers im gone.

i love being creative & sharing for the sake of sharing but i deeply fear any kind of spotlight. since i came back onto tumblr i made the pledge to myself not to delete my account if it started growing but now im having second thoughts!! well i'll never delete this account cus im too sentimental but part of me just wants to stop posting in the ways i tend to do. like maube im too forthcoming & need to slink back into the shadows a bit. because i don't want to stop contributing art & music to the world but idk how to protect my heart.

like it's so crazy to me that artists are expected to b these idealistic icons of everything the viewer represents & if they make a single mistake its like fuck we better launch a pUBLIC HARASSMENT CAMPAIGN!! genuinely like, how are people supposed to want to put themselves out there when the climate is so hostile? it has got me feelin rly nihilistic i must admit. trying to put nice stuff into the world shld not be generating drama for me, especially when it's just my hobby & not even my "career".

for a while ive had no idea what to do for work or how to generate income in a way that works for me but honestly? im gonna bite the bullet & do some coding bootcamps so i can try n get a remote job doing some tech shit & making a fat salary. i guess i never rly considerd it before cus all the silicon valley stuff susses me out but idk. im naturally really good at code + my only real dream in life is to be able to support others & redistribute wealth. like ive never had anything of my own to share but if i could actually do this & become the secure+charitable person i wish to be, i think i cld finally have some inner peace/sense of fulfillment. plus i cld still be a recluse ^_^

ok well i guess that my diary entry for now. im rly grateful to everyone on this site who is genuine & respectful towards me. i am really enjoying all my creative projects right now & i just dont want it to ever stop being fun just because the internet doesnt want it to be fun for me. i seriously wonder why artists are the number one targets right now, i mean not to get too conspiratorial but like, this is exactly what the CIA wants :/ wahtever....i have no agenda other than plur. but yeah, i might just start to distance myself more from posting anything other than my work. we'll see. just kno that i dnt want it to b this way. ilu guys

[larsnicklas]

i do think it’s insane seeing how many people are saying to trade petey now after how wrong they’ve been proven abt their constant begging for millsy and boes trades. also people saying to trade demmer bc he’s too prone to injury?? like have we not learnt not to be too quick to call for trades. clearly the very strong vancouver coaching staff trusts them and sees potential so u shld too. just maybe

right like it's a very brain dead take to me!!! like we literally. JUST did this lol. and re: demmer, i think it is particularly mean spirited to want to trade someone because they get hurt more often than you'd like?? like i promise no matter how frustrated we might be, it's tenfold that for thatcher himself. it all reeks of a lack of empathy and an inability to see athletes as human beings with real feelings and lives lol.

i guess it's all muddled up because Sports as an entertainment form kind of necessitates viewing athletes as commodities, right? but i think for me personally i have always been very leery of that; and grew even more resistant to it after working in sports and having friends in the industry still. they're all just people, man. with friends and family who love them and lives just as complex as anyone's.

i also will say: nobody is trying to be fucking bad at their jobs. nobody wants to feel incompetent. and it's trite but we really, truly don't know what's going on with anyone at any given time. like i will not be forgiving t.oronto media ever for laying into rasmus s.andin for weeks about how he didn't care about the team and seemingly wanted out and really he was just trying to deal with his mom being diagnosed with cancer.

i think it's fair to criticize players and i'm not saying people should never point out when they're playing poorly lol but i do think there are just a lot of keyboard warriors out there who could do with some basic human decency in their hearts

[chuuyanakaahara]

[ this is excluding the current wips, which include the next chapter of both act of faith and retribution for the dead ]