#i should probably write my overdue term paper

[tardis--dreams]

I had the best interaction with my boss today. She sent me an email around 12:30 aking if i could call her at 2pm. I say yes. It's 2pm. I call. I call. I call. It's 2:04pm, she sends me her number (which i already had). I call. I call. I call. 12 times in total. It's 2:20pm. I send an email saying i unsuccessfully tried calling a few times, asking if it would be better at a later point in time. She sends a reply. It says "sorry it was on silent." I cry

[wonderofwillows2]

A Minor Thing

   It’s hard to describe the how you felt when you were young, especially hard to do it accurately. It’s enough of challenge sometimes to describe how you feel now. So without further ornamentation I suppose I’d better get on with it here. My father met my step-mother when I was only nine. My oldest sister was twelve my other eleven. They were happy for him, happy he was kind to her and happy she was kind to him. I was just happy to have a mother, there was something about having a woman’s voice in my young life that soothed a deep seated need. I loved the high and lilting songs she sang in her native language, the sweetness of the words that always seemed hover just that evanescent bit longer when they ended in a vowel. I loved the colorful clothes she wore and the high spicy notes of the new food she cooked for us.

It was two years later than they had the wedding, our family was small as my father was a bit older and his parents modern. Hers was vast, she had seven brothers and they all joked about their baby sister growing up even though she was thirty-six, an age I still can’t imagine myself as I write this. They claimed it was long overdue that she marry, her mother claimed so also and was glad she’d have grandchildren. It was an obvious point of pain that their daughter, our step-mother, could not conceive on her own. Her mother and father were both adamant that we would join the faith but she and her brothers interceded on our behalf. The wedding was a dry, but that didn’t affect me, I was drunk instead on the stories my new uncles told of a seemingly free and idyllic childhoods spent chasing one another through twisting streets and burdening the adults they met. There was no honeymoon, both claimed to be too old for that. Instead a few days after the wedding my father and new mother went to out for nearly a day and my father spent a few days out of work. It seemed he was in some pain. I thought nothing of it until a few weeks later. That was when they explained to me that there was one holdover of my new mother’s culture she could compromise on. My father had been circumcised. It was a practice I had never heard of and I asked them, in my innocence, what they meant by that new and strange term. My mother took the lead then and leaned close to me and took my hands in her own. They were soft and surprisingly warm as if she’d been wringing them in the anticipation of a difficult but necessary task, the kind so often avoided until it was doubtlessly time to undertake it.

She explained to me then, in her calmest voice, an almost tense voice of thinly veiled energy, that in her culture young men have their foreskins removed. She explained that it was cleaner, that it was harmless, that it was an act of beautification and health. My father then interjected that while it was not part of our own culture he had no regrets at such a small change. He placed his arm around her and looked me in the eye as he told me he had no regrets, that it really was a small thing to please her and how worth it it was to please my new mother who he loved so deeply and certainly. He explained also how she’d asked him to have this minor surgery if they were married and how he’d nearly abandoned the prospect but decided to go through with it. It was then my new mother shocked me, her sweet voice almost breaking with nervous awareness, that she had asked to have me circumcised as well. I processed this slowly and then with fear and looked to my father but he maintained a stoic silence and I new I would undergo this treatment. I would be cut in two weeks time. It is said anticipation of the thing is greater or worse in some measure than the thing itself. I am not sure of that myself but I can say those two weeks were spent in fear. Worse yet they were spent with my sisters knowing my impending fate. My mother had made sure to announce it to them and in front of me as well. They had been shocked themselves then curious, asking a flurry of questions to our new mother. She silenced them then but made sure to mention she’d explain more in private. She did not think it appropriate to cover the topic with me present. It was an objectification I would never quite get over. I was not to be privileged by her explanation, I was only to have my father’s for the time being and he was difficult to pry information from. He would merely tell me what a small matter it was, how little I should worry. Perhaps it was a happy thing that I was only just discovering the pleasant sensation my foreskin could give me, I might have missed it more then

My sisters were quite around me for the next few days sharing only greetings and giggling between themselves. Though they had always done this it felt like it was always about my looming appointment. I once overheard them call it a “penis trim” and then laugh short stifled little laughs. That hurt me to the point of tears and I cried in my room to avoid them. I once asked my mother if the girls would have to have any special treatments or surgeries. She simply assured me that girls were pure and clean, that there was no need to change them at all. I burst then and yelled in indignation that I was fine too, that my father was fine, we did not need to change. She barely reacted then, she merely paused then turned maternal and assured me it would be better to be cut, I’d be better than the other boys then. She ended the conversation then with a stern admonition that I should be brave and just accept my cutting, that all her brothers were done and they were fine. I dropped the conversation then.

The day before my cutting I was advised by her not to eat or drink that night. It was a brief but unpleasant fast. My parents were strict in watching me, my sisters in contrast to their previous behavior were kind and offered supportive words. My oldest sister, now a teenage offered that she had looked up what would be done to me and that she thought that circumcised penises were much nicer and that it would be good to be cleaner. She even went so far as to say she was sorry she would not get to meet more boys who were cut but that she might try to do so in the future. My other sister agreed they were nicer but also offered most girls would find it a nice surprise. This was little consolation and I cried then and begged them to intercede on my behalf. They held me and then said just to accept things. Our mother had explained it all and it would be better.

The next morning I was awakened by my father who advised me calmly but firmly to dress in athletic clothes and come downstairs, my sisters were to sleep through the whole affair. My mother waited dressed in her finer street clothes, she smiled and asked if I was excited. I could only mumble that I was frightened. She told me she knew I would be brave but her demeanor suggested it was a command as opposed to statement. It was not long before we were off. We rarely drove much as my parents took the bus to work but that day we took the car to the clinic. It was a small unassuming building of brown brick and marked only by a small sign. We parked and got out, my parents walked with me towards the building. It felt like a monumental structure though in reality I doubt it had more than six rooms. The name on the sign in the front seemed to be one from my mother’s homeland. I had no doubt it was her choice.

When we entered we were greeted by a receptionist in clothes like my mother’s. They spoke in my mother’s native tongue, her voice still so pleasant and sweet. It seemed they knew one another and there was even a bit of laughter exchanged after a pause where both looked at me. I felt once more like the mere subject of another person’s whims and felt then what I only now can identify as a feeling of diminishment. I never wanted to feel that way again. My father was silent the whole time, he seemed far away as if he were imagining another place. Eventually we were called and my mother and father walked with me to the room. I was made to undress and dawn a robe. A young woman native to my own country came in and took my vital signs, height, and weight. She and my mother chatted briefly in my language. She seemed indifferent to my plight. I thought she might raise a point against my forced acculturation but she said nothing. Finally the doctor came into the room, he was an older man – probably in his late fifties with a snow white beard. He spoke to my mother in my native language. Then in my own he advised me lie back and relax. It was then the nurse returned with some a cup of water and a pill. I was advised to swallow it and did so. The effect was profound and I soon found my anxiety at the whole thing abating though it seems likely that it affected my memory to as things soon started to blur at that point. My mother told me I was lucky, many boys in her country had no pain killers or pills. She told me to be brave. They all left for a few minute and I heard them speaking nearby though I didn’t terribly care about what. Only the doctor and nurse returned then, with a tray of tools. They moved a screen over my midsection. I felt the cold of the numbing agent then the pain of three shots. They left again and returned a bit later. They tested my sensation and asked if I felt pain, I told them I did not. The they went to work. The process was short I barely remember it, only the shock when they moved the curtain and a clear plastic ring was bonded to my penis behind the now bare glans. I felt no fear then due to the medicine. I only felt shocked.

I dressed and then left the room and was greeted by my smiling mother who hugged me and told me I was brave. We returned to the waiting room and the doctor invited my parents into his office. They returned with some papers and a small bag and we left and returned home. It was only at night the pain started but it was manageable. I refused stubbornly to show I was affected though I think it was naive to believe it did not show. My sisters were especially kind to me in those few days. It felt like a dream to me. I suppose that is a blessing as it lessened the humiliation of my mother and father checking my wound before I bathed. The rest of that week was spend with mild pain and itching. School was difficult then but I got through it. The next week the ring fell off and I was confronted by my new penis in its singular form. It seemed so naked and vulnerable encircled by the bright red line just behind the glans. The skin was tight and the glans a deep and unhappy mauve. I was acutely aware of the glans rubbing the fabric of my clothes. I hated my new penis then, I felt ashamed when I saw it. I felt like I would always be less of a man though my mother claimed I could now be one, that it was the skin that was boyish. The same week we returned to the same clinic for a check. The doctor happily pronounced me to be healing well. My mother was happy and my father relieved. I was told then I no longer had to bathe as carefully and could return to sports the week after. It was a relief that I could have at least some normality again. On the way out my mother and the receptionist spoke again, then looked at me and giggled girlishly. It was only when we got home and my parents were out of the room that my oldest sister informed me that the rim of my glans, my corona, was visible through the thin athletic pants I had worn. I felt utterly humiliated then

As time wore on I healed completely and began to grow up in a literal sense. I hit mu growth spurt and my voice deepened. I was proud of my new need for deodorant and tiny excuse for a mustache that graced my upper lip. My penis grew too and I began to get frequent erections. They were tight to the point of nearly being painful but this soon subsided. I learned also that my penis provided new unknown pleasures though something always seemed a bit off, like there was just a tinge of pain when I played with my bare glans. It didn’t stop me but I soon discovered through conversations at school that I needed lubricants to get the same from my self pleasure that the other boys did. It was one of the few time that I recalled my circumcision and truly thought about it. I delved into researching the topic and learned that my own glans, and my father’s, had likely been desensitized by our surgeries. The fact that it was very little was not comfort and I wondered how such a thing could be called “small” or “cosmetic”. I once raise my concerns with my step-mother, she merely laughed and admonished me for my greed. She told me men get plenty of pleasure. I raised my concerns with my father and he merely told me there was no undoing what was done.

It was another year and a half before I met my first girlfriend. She was a friend of my middle sister and a bit younger than her but still older than me and more experienced. I was not her first and she delighted in the comparison between my penis and that of the other boys she knew. She liked the look of it and claimed it was much prettier than the others and said she cut her own sons. I do not know if she was serious. I had my first experience at oral sex with her and she claimed she much preferred to perform the act on me as she had easy access to the glans with no skin to move. I was happy enough then to be cut. I supposed it was not so bad. I did not learn until a bit later that part of my intrigue to her was that she had learned I was cut from my sister. I would have been upset had I learned before hand and was glad I did not. I soon learned a few who knew my sister were similarly interested and I wonder if she had intentionally promoted me as a learning experience. I asked her about sharing the information but she simply played coy and apologized, saying it had “just slipped out.

   So now as I look back, ready to graduate college, I think It was best that I was cut. It is true it cuts down a bit on my pleasure but the women I have known were always pleasantly surprised by my penis. My current fiancee is from the United States where I learned that male circumcision is a normal practice. I was surprised by that but happy at her happiness. She told me she did prefer cut men and would have insisted I have the surgery if I were not. I suppose it is a strange confluence of events that I would wind up in a situation so similar to my own father’s. I would never have guessed it, or that one day I might well consent to cut my own son at my wife’s request. There is no moral to this, it is only a recounting of events. However those events are ones that have influenced me for my whole life, I still feel a tinge of powerlessness from time to time and I still feel the humiliating sting of first seeing my altered penis. My step-mother – my mother – is so fond of my fiancee, I suppose in the end my circumcision was really for her all along. I’ll never ask of course but I’ll always believe it was more than just a cultural preference that led to my father and I being cut.

[jungshookz]

beauty & the bookworm {librarian!namjoon}

→ pairing: kim namjoon x reader

→ genre: librarian!namjoon who’s a little nerdy a little dorky but we loVe it, university!au, y/n’s the brat this time around, fluff softer than clouds, a bit of heartwrenching angst :’(, BTS as in BIG TIME smU T

→ wordcount: 20.8k this will definitely make the app crash as per usual don’t come for me

→ note: okay first and foremost i apologize because this is wAY overdue! i started writing librarian!joon in october but i kept putting him off and it’s not what he deserves :-(( but the most important thing is that he’s here now and he’s ready to trip his way into your hearts!! also i finally gave one of my fics a title instead of just naming the au so we’re spicing things up for the new year! enjoy!! 

pst if u wanna talk to y/n or joonie or even jimin u know what to do ;-)

(gif isn’t mine!)

(((and the read more function iS there but most of the time it doesn’t work on mobile :// i am sorry don’t attack me by sending passive-aggressive anon messages)))

you’ve always been the type of person to just go with the flow

whenever life throws an obstacle your way you somehow always aLways make it out alive

you always have a backup plan and you never worry about anything

because worrying gives you frowning wrinkles and you want your skin to remain smooth and beautiful

maybe it’s maybelline??? maybe it’s just not giving a fuCk

but this is the first time you’ve ever been… slightly concerned

you are in unfamiliar territory because you feel

…worried

and you don’t like this feeling at all

“i don’t know what to tell you, y/n. you’re failing three of your courses. you need extra credit.” your counsellor looks at you and then looks back down at his laptop where he has your transcript opened up

“okay! okay okay cool cool cool that’s fine” you clear your throat and nod quickly “extra credit is fine. no need to worry.”

“well, i wouldn’t say no need to worry. there’s definitely room for worry here.”

you thought you had the hang of this university thing but apparently not since jin just told you you’re failing three of your damn courses

kim seokjin - he graduated like two years ago and is your academic counsellor

he’s a pretty cool guy most of the time!! sometimes his dad jokes makes you want to slam your face into a wall but other than that he’s cool

and he’s always there to help you whenever you feel like you’re struggling

he’s a good counsellor but right now he’s being an awful counsellor and not even offering you an ouNCe of support

just kidding you’re just mad at yourself and you’re taking it out on literally anyone you see  

you lean forward a little to try and get a sneak peek of your transcript and jin shifts his laptop away

you huff and lean back against the plushy sofa chair “so… how am i supposed to get extra credit?” you inspect your nails uninterestedly because you’re supposed to be napping right now but obviouSly you’re not going to be able to catch some extra z’s today because of this stupid meeting about your stupid grades

“summer school is an option.”

just the thought of summer school makes you feel nauseous

you’re not going to spend two months writing a philosophy paper or studying for an exam when you could be on a beach somewhere or on a road trip with jimin and the others

thank u next bitch

“please tell me there’s something else. anything else??” you frown and slump against his desk and he lets out a sigh before rifling through some loose papers on his desk

“which prof do i have to go down on to get extra credit” you joke but the smile drops from your face when jin raises a disapproving brow at you  

“if you’re lucky, maybe you can find a part-time job on campus. usually you can get extra credit from doing things here! last i heard there was a position to be the school mascot!”

omg

yuck

having to jump around in a slightly damp and sewage-scented costume for two hours??

no thanks

jin can tell by your expression that that’s the last thing you want

“i hate to break it to you, y/n, but you can’t exactly be picky here. go to main hall where they stick up all those posters and job offers - maybe you’ll find something good! cheer up, hm?”

“yeah, yeah” you murmur and scratch the back of your head before standing up and swinging your bag over your shoulder

“oh, and y/n?”

“what?”

“maybe you should study instead of watching netflix all the time - you really have to boost your grades this term otherwise… y’know” he winces

‘y’know’ means you’re not going to frickin graduate

“…bye jin” you mutter and shut the door behind you before letting out a breath

well

that was a depressing conversation

jin didn’t even tell you a dad joke this time around

as you make your way to the main hall you can’t help but let out another sigh of disappointment

in high school you had eeeehhhhh average grades like you were kinda dumb but not thAt dumb

but you never expected yourself to faiL classes

you thought you were smarter than this!!! obviously not tho

you let out a huff as you stand in front of the bulletin board

there’s an overwhelming number of posters ranging from poetry sLAM competitions to math tutoring services and you don’t know where the heck to start

okay let’s see

what can we do

‘do you have school spirit? do you need extra credit? why not try being our adorable school masco-‘

“nope” you click your tongue and immediately look at the next poster

‘looking for a philosophy tutor for philosophy102’

philosophy is one of the classes you’re failing so maybe not that one either

‘looking for water girl/water boy for new school year! email coach bang for more details’

good god

the water girl??

that would be pathetic

that min yoongi tho

wOO you are definitely thirsty for him

but not thirsty enOugh because there’s no way you’re going to be known as the dang water girl

‘ocean expedition next summer? come to seashell city and explore the ancient legend of the mermaid… extra credit included!’

now thAt sounds cool

but next summer??? you’re not planning to still be here neXt summer

you’re running out of options here

the ones that you’ve seen just don’t sit well with you

the ones that seem okay are already all booked up

you raise a brow when you find a smaller note pinned under an obnoxiously neon pink ‘JOIN THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD’ poster

oh cute

it’s a picture of a book

‘booking for extra credit? there’s no one to blame but your-shelf if you let this job opportunity slip away! come to the library and check it out!’

you cringe in your soul and shake your head

a 60 year old grandpa definitely wrote this up

you take the note off the bulletin board and re-read it

urhghUAhfasj

are u really going 2 do this

you really gon spend most of your time at the library instead of, oh, i don’t know, literally anYTHING ELSE

“beggars can’t be choosers” you mumble to yourself

plus this option doesn’t seem like it needs a lot of skill so it should be easy-peasy lemon-squeezy

the extra credit will just fall right onto your lap                                  

but at the same time

you despise the library

it’s too quiet

you can’t eat or drink in there

it always smells like musty old books

everyone’s always hogging the charging ports

you can’t talk without someone giving you a dirty look because apParently you’re being too loud when you wereN’T EVEN being that loud

your stomach always rumbles in the library and you end up not studying because you’re too focused on wondering what you should get for dinner

the last time you were at the library you were only there because jimin wanted to get some studying done and he needed a study partner

but that was literally like last year

now if he wants a study partner you tell him ‘it’s mY way or the highway’ which means you force him to study at your dinky apartment

you purse your lips and read the note yet aGAin

it seems like this is the option that makes you want to rip your fingernails off the least

so

it’s the library i guess

*confetti*

“what’s the matter with you?” jimin pokes your cheek with his fork before digging into his spaghetti

you scowl and rub the dot of tomato sauce off your cheek

“i’m failing three of my classes” you mutter before slumping against the table “and now i have to work at the library everyday to get extra credit”

jimin shrugs

“at least you’re not failing all of your classes?”

“i’m taking four courses this semester. i’m failing three out of four classes.”

jimin pauses and purses his pillowy lips

“like i said…at least you’re not failing four out of four classes?” he offers through a mouthful of pasta

he swallows “plus the library isn’t all that bad! books are… books are like… cool”

“you’re not doing a very good job of making me feel better”

“well, i don’t wanna be that friend - but you kinda did this to yourself!!!! working at the library is a consequence of not doing well in class, y/n. i’m sorry to break it to you, but you gotta do what you gotta do. you’re not allowed to complain because you let this happen to yourself.” jimin sighs frustratedly because as much as he loves you it’s so iRRitating when you’re whining about problems that could’ve very easily been avoided

“ya i guess so” you mutter

yeah

it’ll be fine

becoming a librarian will be great

maybe you’ll absorb the information from all the books that you’ll be hanging around with all day and become smart enough to graduate and not need the extra credit

jimin jumps when you let out a groan and smack your head against the table in defeat

life is really kicking your ass right now and is showing absolutely no mercy

“you want me to go in with you and drop you off at the counter?” jimin smiles sweetly and you shake your head and slip your arm from his

“this is a battle i’m going to have to face alone.” you shake a fist in front of you

“go on, my brave warrior.” jimin says dramatically before nodding “i’ll see you tomorrow!”

you let out a sigh before pushing the doors open and letting yourself in

you see a couple people sitting here studying

it is exam season after all

speaking of exam season u should probably start studying

you don’t remember the last time you were at the library

you came in once because you needed to pee really bad and this was where the nearest washroom was

also why is it so biG

there’s nobody at the front counter so you assume the guy went to the back because there’s like another room behind the desk

you whistle a tune to yourself as you lean against the counter and scroll through your phone

you’re blissfully unaware of the many people who are glaring at you because of your awful whistling

it’s when you get a (very rude) ’shh!’ that you raise a hand in defence and stop the whistling

it’s too quiET in here the whistling was necessary

these ungrateful assholes should be thankful

“hi there! can i help you with something?” you jump ten feet into the air from the voice that breaks the silence

you turn around and there’s this this tall ass tree of a guy standing behind the counter

he smiles at you and you immediately notice his sweet smile and cute dimples

he tilts his head before reaching up to adjust his glasses

“um, i…” he looks down and his eyes light up when he sees his poster in your hand

“oh, y/n! i didn’t know you were interested in working at the library” huh

he knows your name?

how does he know you

…do you know him?

well you have to know him otherwise how does he know your name

he pushes his glasses up and waits for you to respond

you decide to play along with it for the sake of a good first impression

or..,.,. good second impression??

you’re tempted to tell him you’re only doing this because you have no choice and also you’re failing your classes but he probably doesn’t want to hear all of that

“yeah! a little extra credit never hurts” you laugh and scratch the back of your neck “it’s nice to see you… again…?” you trail off because obviously you have no idea what his name is

you’re still confused as to how he knows your name

he kind of blinks at you and his eyebrows knit together in confusion before he’s like oOh okay i see what’s happening here

“i, uh, i’m namjoon, ha. i’m actually- we were in the same philosophy lecture last year. you… you bumped into me on the first day of class and spilt your coffee all over me.” namjoon chuckles awkwardly and scratches the back of his neck

oh yiKES

your cheeks flame up immediately and you press your lips together

good first impression!!!!1!1!

“oh! oh, right! yeah, of course i remember you, joonie!” the nickname slips out to try and soothe the awkward situation but you don’t think it’s working that well “i’m sorry about that, by the way. you know how klutzy i am” you clear your throat

namjoon chuckles awkwardly and scratches the back of his head

and then u remember an important detail

you raise a brow

“wait but like didn’t you graduate last year? you’re older than me aren’t you?”

“yes, i graduated last year. and yes, I’m older than you”

“….so why r u still here”

“i like it here! it’s as simple as that” namjoon shrugs and you hum in response

personally speaking

once you graduate (if u even graduate lol roasted) there is no turning back

you don’t want to come back here

you wasted four years in this torturous hell why would you willingly come back

but now that he reminded you that you two were in the same philosophy lecture it’s kind of coming back to you

you’ve seen his face like once or twice

he always sat in the front and always raised his hands to answer questions or remind the professor of assignments and oHhH right kim naMjOon

sometimes you and kook poke fun at him because like he’s genuinely suCh a n3rd and a dork aNd a try hard anD he always corrected people over the most minuscule mistakes and he’s a neat freak and wow you are suddenly realising you’re not a huge fan of namjoon

“please, i prefer namjoon.” namjoon clears his throat before setting the pile of books down on the counter “so… you wanna start working here? become the ~junior librarian~?” he sticks his hands out and does some jazz hands and you resist the urge to roll your eyes because woW that was lame

“yep, i need the extra credit” you shrug and lean against the counter

“why do you need extra credit?”

“i don’t think that’s any of your business, namjoon.” you tilt your head and namjoon’s like alright fair enough

“look. it’s pretty obvious you need some help around here.” you gesture to the cart stacked with like a trillion books sitting by the desk “and no one else has applied to help out according to your sad poster- i’m pretty much your only option, bro” you shrug as if to say ‘it’s not my fault’

okay

namjoon definitely doesn’t appreciate the tone and the attitude that you’re giving him

but you’re not wrong

surprisingly not a lot of people have come up to him wanting the job as the junior librarian

it’s kind of disappointing

being a librarian is so much fun!!!!!!

who wouldn’t want to be surrounded by books all day????

and no offence

but he doesn’t really want to give you this job because you’re just so,,., snooty and kinda rude

and you seem like you don’t care about anything

aNd you seem kinda disorganised

he’s just getting that ~vibe~ from you

but he doesn’t have a choice because he does really need the help and you need the extra credit so it works out for both of u

and he’s mature enough to work well with someone he doesn’t like so he’s sure he’ll be fine

namjoon purses his lips and exhales

“fine… i suppose i can let you work alongside me. but just to let you, i have a system for everything, so i would really appreciate if you followed the rules that i set in place and-“ you keep staring at him but you’ve drowned him out and you’re just singing a song in your head

“do you understand?” he finishes and adjusts his glasses before giving you a pointed look  

“ya man i gotcha” you click your tongue before pushing yourself off the counter and clapping your hands together “so chief where do i start” you take your backpack off and swiNG it over the counter and it fLOps to the ground loudly

namjoon’s eye twitches when your books spill out of your bag and you don’t bother picking it up

okay

what’s a job that’ll take a while and will require you to be awaY from him

ah

namjoon disappears behind the counter for a split second before reappearing with a duster and a rag

“those shelves over there need to be dusted.”

you raise your brows in disbelief

dusting

is that it

wow

easy frickin peASY ladies and gents

“at least try and make it hard for me.” you snort and snatch the duster and rag from him

extra credit - here we come! goodbye suMMER scHOOL

“see, i told you it wasn’t going to be bad!” jimin points out after you finish fleXing to him about how good of a dust job you did on those bookshelves

weird flex but ok lol

“i know!! i don’t actually mind the library, now that i think about it. the dead silence is kinda relaxing. but-“ you raise a finger “i’m not sure about that namjoon guy”

“namjoon?”

“he’s the librarian. he graduated last year and- god, he’s just… he’s such a nerd. which isn’t a bad thing, i guess? you know what i’m saying, right? he’s just,,,, i don’t know… he seems like the kinda guy who’d get a heart attack from breaking a tinY rule or something,, or i feel like if i drop a book he’ll start crying like he’s thAt kind of person”

jimin nods understandably before shrugging “i get it… but i’m sure if you give him a chance you’ll warm up and you’ll get along!! even if you don’t get along just keep it mind that you’re only doing this for a couple of months.”

“yeah, i guess.”

jimin’s usually right so you’ll take his word for it

maybe namjoon isn’t as much of a stick in the mud as you think he is

you’ll be fine

remember how in the beginning of all of this you were like this is going to be easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy

well

it’s not

it’s not easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy

in fact it’s difficult-difficult-orange-difficult

why are there so many books here???????? it’s never ending!! every time you put one away like ten more appear on the counter and then namjoon’s like mmMm c’mon pick up the pace there’s a lot to do around here

you haven’t even had a chance to sit down for a minute because the library is huGe and you have to walk everywhere to make sure each book is in the right place and no books are overdue and if books aRe overdue to have to go and harass the person that still has the book and the point is THIS IS HARD AND YOU ARE TIRED

no wonder no one wanted this job!!!!!!!!! it’s hard work!!!!!!!!!!

you can’t help but wonder if that water girl job is still available but the thought of having to talk to someone like min yoongi makes you nervous so you shake the thought out of your head

aLSO

namjoon is boring

SO boring

what kind of modern young man willingly wears sweaters and cardigans and button up shirts all the damn time

also?? he keeps candies in his pockets

like he’ll be sorting through some files and then stops and he rifles through his pockets and pulls out a hard candy and pops it into his mouth

they’re those salted caramel hard candies and you’ve been tempted to ask him for one but.,,.,., u don’t want any of his damn pANT candy

also he’s so quiet and you’re very chatty so that’s another thing to add to the list of things you hate about kim namjoon

whenever you try to talk about your day he replies with mm’s and ah’s but never does anything to continue the conversation so you’re left in awkward silence waiting for a reaction

aLSO he has egg salad or tuna or plain turkey sandwiches and like vegetable soup and a piece of fruit (he literally said an apple a day keeps the doctor away one time and you were like what century are you living in???) for lunch most of the time and it sTANKS it’s awful  

and when you try to crack a joke he never gets the punchline which is infuriating because you like to think that you’re somewhat of a funny person

aren’t you??????

all he gives you is a polite laugh and a nod before he goes back to his book

you don’t know how long you can keep doing this

it’s been a month and a bit since you started working at the library

and namjoon would rather give himself a trillion paper cuts than work with you

you

are

awful

“y/n - you’re supposed to stamp the first page in the book - not the coVer of the book.” namjoon presses his lips together to keep himself from screaming when he sees you with a mountain of already wrONGLY stamped books

“oh. can’t you like erase the ink or something?”

“no you can’t- you can’t just erasE the ink the stamp is gonna be there forever”

“it’s okay i only stamped like 20 books” you shrug and instinctively stamp the book in your hands “…21 books”

“y/n whY… why did you use a glittery pink pen for the book record sheets”

“it makes it pretty! it’s not a big deal no one sees these sheets besides you and i” you grin and take the sheet from namjoon and he feels his soul die a little when you scribble something down with a neon green marker

also you keep giving yourself little breaks?? and the only breAK that is allowed on your schedule is your lunch break or the occasional washroom break whenever you need it

but you give yourself these nonexistent breaks

‘granola bar break’ - you take 30 minutes off to eat one single granola bar

‘texting break’ - this one’s worse because it happens more frequently like the two of you will be filing things together and namjoon likes to keep things working like a well-oiled machine but it’s hard to do that when you keep pausing to text someone and then you’re like okay where were we like it ruINS THE FLOW

‘reading break’ - THIS is awful because namjoon will see you study and he’ll be like okay at least she’s doing something educational and he peeks over and you’ve literally got your phone out scrolling through memes on instagram

and when he reprimands you for taking too many breaks you always wave him off and tell him to relax and to not get his panties in a twist

he feels like you’re doing this on purpose

pushing his buttons

getting under his skin in the worst way possible

also you keep calling him random names and he hATES IT he just wants to be called namjoon because that’s his name

“hey joon”

“namjoon”

“good morning joonie”

“namjoon”

“hi joonathan”

“joona- namjoon!”

“whaddup dimples”

“hey bookworm”

“hey nerd”

“what’s up four-eyes”

“yo yo yo dork”

“oi egghead where’d i put my phone”

“it’s namjoon - and feet off the counter” it’s almost automatic at this point when namjoon shoVes your legs off the counter and you nearly fall off your chair from the force

he gives you a warning look when you move to put your feet back up and you huff grumpily

“no messy foods in the library” you gawk when namjoon picks up your takeaway box of spaghetti and proceeds to dump it into the bin

“don’t use the books as coasters” namjoon snatches your drink and picks up the book then wipes the condensation from your drink off the front cover

“no more texting during work hours” your phone disappears from your hands and you blink down at your fingers because that was sO speedy

“oH my god am i even allowed to breathe in here???” you snap exasperatedly because you and jimin were talking about how kook slipped in the cafeteria and got banana milk all over tae’s new shoes and taheyung freAKED it was hilarious

namjoon blinks down at you before opening up a drawer and dropping your phone in there before proceeding to l o c k the drawer

are you KIDDING me

is this bitch for real???? he just locked up your phone???????

“i don’t know. your breathing is kind of loud, so we’ll have to figure out a way around that issue.” and with that he turns his back with a huff but not before turning to face you one last time so he can look you right in the eye as he drops your can of soda into the bin

it’s pretty obvious that you and namjoon most certainly do not like each other but the both of you are just being very passive aggressive and tip-toeing around the elephant in the library

you let out a breath and dig your nails into your palm

deep breaths deep breaths

we’re doing this to graduate

we can do this

aight

no biggie

remember how you promised yourself you’d be more responsible when it came to your work load

obviously you forgot about that promise

because you have a final in a week and a half that you completely forgot about that even frickin jungkook was aware about

and now you have to jam a whole semester’s worth of information into your head and finish that 12 page paper for your history class and work on your presentation for your film class and there’s just so much that you have to do and you don’t have enough time to do everything

you decided to skip your last lecture of the day (you asked tae to take notes for you and he’s usually good at that so you’re not worried) to come to the library and study

and you couldn’t find an empty table or anything so you figured you’d just study at the desk

you’re surprised to see that namjoon isn’t around because he practically lives at the library

okay it’s whatever

he’d probably distract you anyway

you plop yourself down on the chair and proceed to pull out all your notes and books and markers and you dump it all on the table

you crack your knuckles and look down at the mountain in front of you

let’s do this

namjoon hums a tune to himself as he opens the door and enters the library

he’s in an especially good mood today for some reason

the smile falters on his face when he realises that he’s going to be spending the rest of the day with you and that’s definitely going to soil his mood

ugh

you’re usually late because you always come after your classes so he expects that he’ll be in a good mood for about twenty more minutes or so

namjoon pauses when he sees the top of your head poking out from behind the front counter

you’re

on time?

he looks at his watch

no you’re not just on time

you’re… early

you’ve never been early to a shift before

how odd

maybe someone finally lit a fire under your ass and you’re finally being more responsible!!

okay

he’s still in a good mood

he’s about to give you a chirpy greeting (and this time he’s not going to correct you if you address him using another one of your lame nicknames) and then he’s suddenly aware of the scene in front of his eyes

“y/n?” namjoon furrows his brows to see you with your face buried in your arms and you’re surrounded by like teN textbooks and a lot of scrap paper with random notes scribbled on them and a million highlighters and pens “…whatcha up to?”

you don’t respond and he leans over the counter a little more

…are you even alive

suddenly you look up at namjoon

he takes a step back in surprise at the sight of your red and watery eyes and he’s like o shit she crying

“are you okay??” he unlocks the gate and steps behind the front counter to join you

“i don’t know anything, namjoon. i literally don’t know anything and my final is in a week and a half.” you sniffle and reach up to wipe your tears away

“oh god. i’m going to fail this exam and this is totally going to put my life on hold and everyone’s going to graduate before me and i’ll be stuck here because of how stupid i am” you sob and slam a textbook shut and namjoon jumps

he’s never seen you like this before

he’s never seen you so… defeated

usually you’re all smiles and you have a smartass comment ready to go at all times and even when he shuts you down you don’t let that stop you

so for the first time ever

when he sees you with puffy eyes and a trembling bottom lip and a permanent frown on your face

he feels… bad

and you called him namjoon

not joon or dimples or bookworm

namjoon

this is serious

even though you piss him off everyday because of how irritating you are

you don’t deserve to be this sad

namjoon sets his briefcase down before pulling his chair over and sitting down next to you

he looks over at all the textbooks briefly before looking up at you “what are you studying?” he hands you the box of tissues that are on his side of the desk and you thank him quietly before sniffling and wiping the tear that’s trailing down your cheek

“um, philosophy.” you sound kind of nasally from how much crying you’ve done but whatever “right now i’m looking at the main branches of philosophy but i just don’t geT it.”

“okay, well…” namjoon glances at your handwritten notes for a second and all you’ve written down is ‘philosophy notes’ with a bright purple marker

oh god

is he really going to do this

is he really going to help you right now

because he could totally just tell you to put your notes away and do your job

but instead he’s deciding that he’s going to help you study for your finals

even though you’ve been nothing but an obnoxious piece of shIT for the past two months

he’s going to help you whether you like it or not

“let’s start off with differentiating between the branches. typically, there are four branches. sometimes there are five, but for philosophy301 you just focus on four. logic, epistemology, metaphysics, and-“

“what are you doing?” you interrupt namjoon and look at him confusedly

he’s

he’s helping you?

what?

why??

whY?????

“i’m… explaining the four branches of philosophy. at least i’m trying to. what’s wrong?” he tilts his head and blinks twice “oh, you know what, maybe i shouldn’t… because i can’t focus if your study station is a pig sty.” he starts cleaning up your papers and putting your highlighters back into your pencil case

he pauses in the middle of stacking your textbooks to look at you “don’t just stare at me - clean up! and then we’ll get on with it.”

“namjoon, you don’t have to-“

“y/n, i swear to god.” namjoon groans quietly and taps the top of your head with a pen “stop being so stubborn and just be a good girl.”

you raise your hands in defence

you can’t help the little smile that twitches at the corner of your mouth

namjoon’s helping you

…you knew he had a soft spot for u

(little do you know that you have a soft spot for him too)

>:-)

namjoon spends the next two and a half hours explaining many different philosophical concepts to you and he answers every single one of your questions

at one point you get a little shy because you feel like your questions are dumb but namjoon reassures you that your questions are most certainly not dumb

he even paused to tell you a story of how in one of his classes he raised his hand and forgot what he was going to ask by the time the prof got to him so he ended up asking the prof ‘what class is this?’

that made you crack uP because you can imagine namjoon’s flushed cheeks and nervous stammer so clearly

also namjoon shared his lunch with you which was a surprise (today he brought in a turkey sandwich and an apple)

“my favourite sandwich is actually turkey on whole wheat with spicy mustard - and my favourite kind of apple is honey crisp!”

“spicy mustard is too much flavour for me. i just like putting mayo. and i’m a red apple kinda guy.”

“you’re boring” you tease him as you bite into the sandwich

“am not! don’t attack me for liking the plainer things in life!”

even though the ingredients are pretty plain somehow it still works and you find yourself scarfing it down in like thirty seconds

namjoon pulls a hard candy out of his pocket and offers it to you

“you’re giving me one of your precious candies??” you gasp and pluck it so delicately from his fingers as if it were made of glass or something

“it’s only because i feel bad for you because you criEd so don’t expect anymore candies from me” namjoon snorts and bites into an apple slice “also i always see you staring at me whenever i pull out a candy”

“it’s only because i’m wondering if they’re stale or not” you unwrap it and pop it into your mouth quickly before namjoon can take it back

“they most certainly are not!” he gasps in mock offence before reaching up to adjust his glasses

“your glasses are just as dorky as you” you reach over and brush your fingers over the thick rims and namjoon scowls before smacking your hand away

“don’t make me regret helping you and sharing my food with you” he points an accusatory finger in your direction and you grin cheekily “now, c’mon - let’s talk about famous philosophers and then we’ll start making some flash cards!”

“i like flash cards!!! ooh we can use my mArkERs-“ you start rambling excitedly about your multicoloured markers and namjoon finds himself smiling fondly as he watches you rummage through your pencil case

hm

maybe you’re not so bad after all

“yES you got it again! alright who do we have next…” namjoon shuffles through the pile of flashcards on his lap

“okay-“ he pauses to read the notes on the back of the flashcard before holding it up for you “who is saint thomas aquinas?”

“ooh, i know this one!!” you raise your hand even though you’re the onLY One stuDYING

you’re so lame

endearingly lame

:~)

“hm, any takers?” namjoon plays along and pretends to look around a classroom of people before pointing at you “ah! yes, miss y/l/n?”

he’s just as lame as you are

you clear your throat and sit up straighter

“saint thomas aquinas was a 13th century dominican friar, theologian and doctor of the church, born in what is known today as the lazio region of italy.”

“okay, and what did he do?”

“uh, his most important contribution to western thought is the concept of natural theology! …right?”

“mm, go on” namjoon leans back against his chair and plucks at his bottom lip as he skims over the notes on the back of the card again

“he… adhered to the platonic and aristotelian principle of realism, which holds that certain absolutes exist in the universe, including the existence of the universe itself…?”

namjoon puts the card down and stares at you and ur like o shit am i wrong

a smile creeps onto his face and he raises his fist for you to bump “you got it!”

“yAY” you give him a fist bump and apologise quietly when you hear someone in the distance go ‘shh!!!!!’

they’ve shushed you like five times in the last hour

whoops

both you and namjoon exchange glances before bursting into giggles

“uGHhgH namJOoON” you groan and slump against the table as you twirl your pencil between your fingers

today’s been a pretty slow day

wednesdays are your longest days because you have classes from 9 to 6

and now you’re at the library and namjoon is forcing you to study even though you’re like hey let’s rearrange books or something!!!! let me do my job!!!!

“no complaining! now sit up straight and listen to me.”

you ignore him and continue twirling your pencil around

“y/n. sit up and listen.” he sighs and raises an eyebrow

you curse to yourself quietly before forcing yourself to sit up but you slump against the chair as if your bones were made of jelly

okay

well

better than nothing

“okay, let me tell you about the gemeinschaft-gesellschaft dichotomy. it was proposed by tönnies as a purely conceptual tool rather than an ideal type in the way it was used by max weber to accentuate the key elements of a historic or social change. got it?”

you give namjoon a pointed look before huffing “no”

namjoon lets out a slow sigh and looks through his notes again

meanwhile you’re spinning around and around on your wheely chair

namjoon’s hand shoots out and grips onto the arm of your chair to stop you “how about we take a break?”

“yEs i love that! now that i understand.” you stretch your limbs out but quickly curl up when your stomach rumbles

huh

you forgot that you didn’t get a chance to eat lunch today

namjoon clears his throat

“i actually,.., um, i brought you some food today!” namjoon turns and grabs the paper bag sitting on his desk

you raise a brow

“you did?”

hm

that’s a surprise

that’s actually really nice of him

“you’ve been working and studying pretty hard lately so i thought i’d treat you to lunch! turkey on whole wheat with spicy mustard.” namjoon clears his throat and hands you the bag before reaching up to scratch the back of his neck “and also a honey crisp apple… and two caramel candies.”

oh

he

he remembered your favourite kind of sandwich and your favourite kind of apple

which means he went out of his way to buy ingredients that he would usually stay the heck away from

that’s… that’s kind of sweet actually

“you remembered what i like?” you reach into the bag and pull out the neatly wrapped sandwich

“the, uh, the dorky glasses make me more observant” namjoon taps the frames gently and you laugh

“look, i didn’t mean- like, dorky isn’t necessarily a bad thing i just- it’s cute! you’re cute” you flush immediately wOw what is wrong with you

you clear your throat “your glasses are cute. your glasses.” you murmur

both you and namjoon avoid gazes and you don’t realise it but both your faces are on fire

namjoon twiddles with his thumbs and bites back his smile  

you’re about to take a bite of your sandwich before you realise he’S not eating anything “hey, where’s your food?”

“oH, right” namjoon twists back and grabs his paper bag

“lemme guess - turkey on white with mayo with a red apple.”

“ah, nice guess, but i’m afraid you’ve been mistaken” namjoon tsks and shakes his head “it’s tuna sandwich tuesday!! and i brought a pear!”

you snort and roll your eyes playfully

only namjoon would have a tuna sandwich tuesday

“i believe that’s another point to me” namjoon leans back against his chair proudly after he makes yet anotHer paper ball dunk into the waste bin

you convinced him to take a lil break since you’ve been studying for an hour and a half and your brain is about to explode

and today you’re the one who brought lunch for him

you bought soup from the cafeteria!! luckily they made his favourite today!! chicken soup

he got so excited when you presented the little take-out bowl to him

he even offered you a spoonful and at first you were like nah but he said look the cafe’s chicken soup is AMAzing you will not regret this

he blew over it to cool it down first before feeding it to you and you were like o shit ur right this is good

he ended up feeding you a couple more spoonfuls as you looked over your notes

it was kinda cute but whateva

so it’s kind of that after-lunch lull where your tummies are full and you’re feeling lazy

which is why you and namjoon are competing in paper-ball

and namjoon is winning which is very surprising

whenever you play paper-ball with jimin you’re always in the lead so you’re not used to thIS

you’re realising now that you might be a bit of a sore loser

“it’s getting hot in here - it must be because i’m on fire.” namjoon smirks as he adds another dash under his name

“lame” you roll your eyes as you crush up another paper ball

“okay but seriously i’m like sweating” namjoon sits up and peels his sweater-vest off before unbuttoning a couple buttons on his shirt and rolling his sleeves up neatly

your eyes flicker over to his now exposed forearms

he has.,.., really sexy arms.,,.. what the hell,.,,

namjoon wheels a little closer to you until his knee is in between your legs “here lemme do it because your paper-balls all sucK” namjoon takes the ball from your hand and you feel a lil ziPzaP when his fingers brush over yours

what the hell x2.,.,.,., his hANDS.,.,.,., even his hANDS ARE SEXY

“what’s the matter with you? where’s the witty retort?” you look up from his hands quickly and namjoon’s grinning at you in a way that makes your heart skip a beat

.,.. EVEN HIS TEETH ARE PERFECT???

omg

what’s happening to you

you look away quickly and try to snap yourself out of it

what the fuck

what the fuck is happening

what’s going on with your body

why are your hands clammy

why is your heart racing like this

why do you want him to scoot evEN closer

you like namjoon

oh no

you like namjoon

oh NO sweetie you do NOT like kim namjoon

yes you do

no you don’t

mmmmmyes you do

NO you don’t you can’t like namjoon!!! he’s the worst!

he’s the best and you love him

he wears stupid sweater vests!!

he can pull it off tho and also his button-up is kind of thin today and you can see very faint outlines of his abs and it makes you want to run your hands over his bronzey smooth skin you LOVe it you perv

“y/n? you okay?” namjoon taps your knee gently and raises a brow when you jumP in your seat  

“i’m good! i’m just…” you snatch the paper ball from his grasp and point to the waste bin “i’m just getting my heaD in the game because i’m going to kick your ass”

namjoon laughs before gesturing for you to throw “i’d like to see you try.” he leans back against his chair and crosses his arms

frick

even THAt was sexy

you are losing your mind

you like kim namjoon

“good morning!” namjoon plops down next to you and you let out a little yawn as a good morning “today’s the big day~” he wiggles his brows “you ready?”

you look down at your flashcards and your notes and give a little shrug

you think you’re ready?? maybe

“i guess so??” you murmur and stretch your limbs out

you decided to come to the library before your 8AM exam because.,,,.., uh.,,,.,

okay you just wanted to see namjoon so WHAT

“i have something for you-“ namjoon rummages through his bag before pulling out a bracelet looking thing

a bunch of different shades of purple threads braided together neatly

she looks a little worn out but she still cute

“this was my good luck bracelet when i was doing exams during my last year - i thought maybe you’d want to wear it or something? you don’t have to, obviously, but i know how nervous you are and… yeah, i don’t know… i just wanted to give it to you i guess“

there it is again

your heart just went boom-boom for joon-joon

you press your lips together to hold back a dorky smile before you stick your hand out for namjoon “i need all the luck i can get”

namjoon smiles and shakes his head as he ties the bracelet around your wrist carefully “you don’t need any luck. i believe in you!” he glances at the clock hanging behind you on the wall “you better get going - it’s 7:42.”

you let out a little sigh before getting up off the seat and grabbing your pencil case and your water bottle

namjoon looks up at you with a small smile “i’ll see you after your exam?” he watches as you open the little gate to step out

“if i survive, that is” you retort and namjoon rolls his eyes

you’re about to walk out but you turn around swiftly “namjoon?”

namjoon looks up at you “mm?”

“thank you… for everything.” you murmur shyly while twisting the bracelet around your wrist “you’re… not bad. not bad at all.”

you don’t really know what to saY but all you know is that you’re super appreciative and grateful to have someone like namjoon,,, care about you

and you’re already not good with emotional things so ‘you’re not bad at all’ is a pretty big thing to say in your opinion!!!

lucky for you

namjoon fully understands

namjoon’s cheeks flush slightly and he shakes his head “get outta here you sappy loser”

he lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding once you leave the library

and now that he has this moment alone

a realisation begins to creep into his mind

he likes you

well it’s pretty obvious at this point

things that used to irritate him about you are now endearing

he makes lunch for you willingly

he doesn’t flinch or move away when you initiate contact

he actually pays attention to your lame jokes

he gave you his good luck bracelet for god’s sakes

he likes you

you’ve been on edge for the whole day

this morning you got your philosophy final exam back

for a whole week this exam was on your mind and now it’s finally back in your hands and you can’t even bring yourself to look at your grade

because you’re terrified

you’re terrified that you failed yet another exam and you’ll have to graduate a year behind all of your friends and you’ll have to put your life on hold because you were a dumbass in university

and you’re terrified that you disappointed jin and jimin and namjoon

you don’t want to disappoint namjoon

but your exam has been burning a hole in your backpack and you figure that it’s now or never

“oh pleasepleaseplease” you whisper to yourself as your trembling fingers gently pull the crinkled, folded up piece of paper from your backpack

okay

hoo

okay

no need to panic

it’s just your philosophy final that you had to get at least a 90% on to make up for the rest of your shitty grades in that course

you pinch the corner of the page getting ready to flip it open

you take your bottom lip in between your teeth nervously

you squeeze your eyes shut

it’s now or never

you unfold it in one smooth motion and the paper makes a thwacking sound as you do so

you peel an eye open

you peel the other eye open

and the blood drains from your face

namjoon’s in the middle of putting books back onto the shelves

it’s the end of the day and there aren’t a lot of people around so it’s nice and quiet

namjoon likes these nice and quiet days

it’s just him and the books

him and his library

and then he hears something

frantic footsteps slapping against the floor in the distance

huh

someone must be in a rush

he furrows his brows when the footsteps get louder

and he whips around to look at the entrance of the library with narrowed eyes

…

…

…

bAM

he yelps in fear when the doors suddenly buRST open and a manic-looking you appears with wide eyes and a huGe (slightly terrifying) grin

you look around the library before you lock gazes with namjoon and if it’s even possible your smile grows wider

oh good god

you look like what’d he’d see in the corner of his room if he ever got sleep paralysis

“what-“

“yoU BEAUTIFUL TREE OF A MAN I LOVE YOU” the next thing namjoon knows you’re leaping into his arms and he quickly grips under your thighs instinctively so that you don’t fall flat on your ass

he stumbles backwards a little and his fingers dig into the flesh of your thighs as you smoosh kisses all over his face

he’s certainly not complaining but whAt the hell is going on

you drop back down onto your feet and you unravel your arms around namjoon’s neck and throw your hands up in the air “i goT 98% ON MY EXAM” you squeal excitedly before wrapping your arms around his neck in a hug and bouncing up and down and oHHH now he sees why you’re acting like a psychopath

“see!!!! i told you you could do it i’m sO ProuD of you!!!!!!!” namjoon grins and wraps his arms around your waist and twirls you around in a circle “98% is so good!!!!!”

“i know!! i never get a 98% on anything!!!” you giggle and pull away from the crook of his neck

your arms are still wrapped around his neck and his arms are still wrapped around your waist

your breathing slows down a bit as you start to calm down and

oh

your faces are very very close

and suddenly

you feel this overwhelming urge to kiss namjoon

you want him to kiss you

namjoon’s eyes flicker down to your lips and you feel your heart pounding in your chest

it’s going to happen

he’s going to kiss you  

you’re disappointed when he quickly takes a step back and pulls away from you

you clear your throat and smooth your skirt down and namjoon adjusts his wonky glasses

both of your guys’ faces are on fire

“anyways - 98% is really good! aim for 99% next time.” namjoon teases and turns around to look at his book cart again and the moment he turns away from u he mouths a ‘wHAT THE FUCK’ to himself because WHAT THE FUCK

meanwhile your face is on fire because that was deFINTEly something

you guys had a moment

does this mean namjoon likes you back

omg

doES IT?????

“joon” you approach him and tap his shoulder gently before standing next to him

“mhm?” he glances at you briefly before looking back at the books on the cart

you get up on your tiptoes and plant a little smooch on his cheek and namjoon freezes immediately

“is there anything for me to do?” you ask casually as if you didn’t just kiSS HIS CHEEK

“u-uh-“

“oh shoot you know what i was organising the thriller novels before my exam and i never finished doing that! let me go do that now and then you can give me something else to do” you disappear in between the shelves and namjoon blinks owlishly

he reaches up and brushes his fingers over his hot cheek

and the FATTEST smile appears on his face

today’s been kind of a slow day

namjoon texted you earlier and said he’d be in late today

so here you are

sitting behind the front counter

alone

well, not exactly

lisa, wendy and jisoo came to keep you company even though you insisted you were fine

they texted and asked if you wanted to grab some lunch and when you didn’t respond they all came to ambush you at the library

“yeah, sure! as soon as namjoon gets here we can go get some food.” you smile politely before looking back down at the computer

these girls,,, well they’re not your frieNds exactly

they’re in a couple of your classes

let’s just say they’re a whole lot more popular than you think you’ll ever be

they’ve taken a liking to you for some reason and you don’t mind because the more the merrier!! also it’s kinda cool because in high school you were never really friends with the ‘’’’’cool gals’’’’’’ so there’s that too

also you think another reason why they hang around you is because you’re friends with guys like jimin and jungkook and you don’t want to be that person but like..,,. YEaH ur boy-friends are really attractive so it makes sense to go through you to get to them (spoiler alert jimin and jungkook do not like any single one of these girls but you don’t have the heart to break the news to them)

“namjoon… why does that name sound so familiar” lisa furrows her brows and leans against the counter

“remember? he was that guy in our philosophy lecture last year - the one who sat at the front? he graduated last year” you hum and scribble something down

“oh shit, i remember!!!” lisa gasps “…oh god, he was awful. such a try-hard”

wait what

your head pops up and you furrow your brows “well like he’s not a try-hard he’s just passionate about-“

“i hated him. he kept reminding the prof to give us pop quizzes” wendy shudders

“i bet he’s still a virgin”

“who cares if he-“

“i bet he hasn’t had his first kiss yet”

“we can’t just assume that he hasn’t just because he-“

“yeah, i wouldn’t be surprised” jisoo snorts “who the hell would wanna kiss someone who looks like that?”

what the hell

what kind of assholey thing was that to say??

“…what?”

“oh, c’mon, y/n. the sweater vests. the pervert glasses.”

“he’s tall and gangly. no meat on his bones??”

“i could never even imagine dating a loser like that!”

and suddenly you remember why you don’t like these girls

namjoon is in a very vEry good mood today

and now he gets to spend the rest of the day with you so he’s teN times happier!!!!!!!

plus he brought lunch for you again because he knows that sometimes you neglect your stomach and he can’t have that (and as cute as your stomach rumbles are he wants to make sure you’re eating and not skipping lunch just because you’re too lazy to line up)

he hopes you like the sandwich

he cut it into the shape of a heart just because he thought it was kinda cute

and uh

the heart-sandwich kind of emphasises the fact that he likes you a lot

ALSO

he picked out a bunch of little daisies from the ground on his way here

and he tied them together in a little bouquet using a blade of grass

very rustic looking bouquet but still adorable!!

he looked like a madman yanKIng all the daisies out of the ground but u know what he’s embracing it because he’s a fool in LOVe

he accidentally stepped on a couple daisies and was like yikes

and he has a couple specks of dirt on his shirt but he’ll deal with it later

anyways

today’s the day he’s going to tell you that he likes you ~romantically~ and he’s going to ask if you wanna grab dinner after you guys leave the library tonight

he even made reservations at this cute cafe he hopes you’ll like

and he’s dressed extra spiffy today

his hair is swept back neatly and he even used a lil more gel to keep every strand in place

there’s not one speck of dust on his glasses lens

he ironed his tie and his button-up

and he’s wearing a brand new expensive cologne

all for you!!!!!! because you are woRth it

his heart skips a bit at the mere thought of your smile and that adorable giggle and the way your nose crinkles when he scolds you playfully

frick he likes u sO MCUH

he decides to take the back door today

just because the romance books are on the shelves in the back and he’s in a romantic mood and wants to pick out a book for you to read

he’s thinking Jane Austen’s ‘Persuasion’ is a good one

namjoon’s finger brushes over the spines of the books on the shelves as he looks for it

he perks up when he finds it

perfect!!!!!!!

he tucks the book under his arm and adjusts his book bag on his shoulder and triple checks that he has everything

sandwich? check

new book?? got it

flowers???? yEs

say it with me now: hoTEL?trivAGo

he hears the murmuring of some voices as he nears the front and he freezes when he hears his name float through the air

hm?

he pokes his head out from around the corner and sees you and a couple of who he can safely assume are your girl friends because they’re all giggling about something

namjoon furrows his brows and stays hidden behind a bookshelf

a little eavesdropping never hurts nobody

“you would never go out with someone like namjoon, right? i know i wouldn’t” lisa taps the top of your head to get your attention “not even if we were the last people on earth”

“yeah, i don’t think i would either” you reply automatically because if you said yEs i’d go for namjoon (and u totally would) you’d never hear the end of it

((but at the same time who cares about what these girls think?? they’re not ur real friends))

you don’t want to go out with them anymore

as soon as this conversation ends you’re kicking these assholes the heck out of the library

but you can’t kick them out without saying something nice about namjoon because ?? namjoon is one of the sweetest guys ever and they need to be aware of that

“but without him i wouldn’t have passed my exam so i have to give him some credit for that” you point out and hope that they’ll cut him some slack

wendy leans against the counter and gasps

“oh, i love that, you cold-hearted bitch!!! taking advantage of the smarty-pants virginey loser to pass your exams?? geniuS”

okay

that didn’t exactly work out

“you would never go out with someone like namjoon, right? i know i wouldn’t”

“yeah, i don’t think i would either”

…

…

…what?

namjoon deflates and he feels his heart clench in his chest

his fingers tighten around the paper bag and he takes a small step back

frick

he knew this day was going too well

you…

you really wouldn’t want to go out with him?

you wouldn’t even give him one chance?

was he really that awful?

“but without him i wouldn’t have passed my exam so i have to give him some credit for that”

“oh, i love that, you cold-hearted bitch!!! taking advantage of the smarty-pants, virginey loser to pass your exams?? geniuS”

namjoon’s eyes flutter shut and he presses his lips together

of course

of coursE this would happen to him

you were the one person that he thought might’ve actually like him back and it turns out you were only using him to pass your exams

how could he not have seen that????

you???? being interested in him?????

i m p o s s i b l e

you don’t go for dorky librarians like him

you go for guys like min yoongi and jeon jungkook and park jimin

well now he just feels stupid

he has a stupid heart shaped sandwich and a stupid honey crisp apple and a stupid packet of animal crackers in this stupid paper bag that has your name on it because he has a stupid crush on you and he really thought you liked him back and he was looking forward to taking you out on a stupid stUPID date

but of course the inevitable happens

you don’t like him… at all.

you used him?

your fingers tighten around the pen and you bite down on your tongue

these girls are getting on your nerves now

whatever

you’re kicking them out now you’re done with this  

“anyways - as much as i wanna talk about how much of a loser kim namjoon is,” you say sarcastically and make air quotes “i think i have some work to do so i’m going to have to put a rain check on-“

you jump when you hear the sound of some books toppling off the shelf and everyone immediately looks at the source of the sound

you stand up and peek over the girls’ shoulders

and the blood immediately drains from your face

“n-namjoon?”

oh,,,., god

oh no no nO

did he hear everything you said??

namjoon doesn’t think it’s possible for his heart to break even more

but then

“anyways - as much as i wanna talk about how much of a loser kim namjoon is, i think i have some work to do so i’m going to have to put…”

ouch

okay

big yikes

this did not go according to plan at all

maybe he should head out the back door and then come in through the front door and just act like everything is normal

yes

that’s a good plan

namjoon turns around to leave but he stumbles over his feet a little and his hands reach out to grip onto the bookshelf  

instead what happens is he shoves a couple books riGHt off the shelf and namjoon curses before automatically dropping to his knees to pick them up

“n-namjoon?”

oh shit

where does he go from hERE

namjoon freezes like a deer in headlights and he swallows thickly before slowly turning to look up at you “u-uh, i-i-“

“hey, look what the cat dragged in!” wendy coos and namjoon feels his heart starting to race in his chest when the girls approach him “what do we have here, hm?”

before he has the chance to pick up the paper bag jisoo snAtches it from the ground

“oh, y/n! it’s for you!” she unrolls the top and reaches it before pulling out the sandwich

she coos before pushing her bottom lip out in a mocking pout “aw, isn’t that cute? a wittle heart shaped sandwich for y/n!” her eyes flicker down to the bouquet of daisies that have now been tramPled on “and a bouquet of weeds!! ever the romantic, aren’t you??”

namjoon feels his entire face flush bright red and he’s struggling to put the books back onto the shelf

he’s just doing whatever it takes to avoid eye contact with the girls

“you’re looking a little red, namjoon. maybe you should take that cardigan off?” wendy pinches his cheek and namjoon gets off his knees immediately

although he towers over them he knows they’re the ones holding the power in this moment

“what’s the matter? you’re not even going to say hi to y/n??” lisa frowns before gesturing to you

namjoon locks gazes with you and your heart clenches when you’re able to see the pure hurt and pain in his glassy eyes

he looks away from you immediately and bends down to grab his bag

“nam-“ the next thing you know he spRints towards the front door and leaves

all three girls burst into laughter and jisoo tosses the paper bag and the flowers onto the front counter and it lands right in front of you

your heart tightens at the sight of your name scribbled on it with a little heart drawn next to it

you pick up the bouquet of daises and they flop down against your fingers sadly

“…you guys are assholes” you hiss and start packing up your things

“what? y/n, what’s wr-“

“all of you - get out!” you snap and point towards the door as you zip your backpack up frantically

the girls all exchange glances before scoffing and leaving the library

good fucking riddance

you basically leAp over the gate and sprint towards the front door

you’re not technically supposed to leave the library because no one’s at the front desk but you need to find namjoon

jesus

you should’ve said something!!! you should’ve stuck up for joon!!!! why didn’t you???

why didn’t you stick up namjoon who always makes sure you’re drinking enough water and eating enough food and not skipping meals and who always offers to get you a snack whenever he goes to the cafe and is always very patient with you when he’s teaching you something new and is always giving you new books to read

namjoon with his boisterous laugh when you or that shy giggle he does where he covers his mouth and his eyes crinkle

namjoon who makes you feel happy and safe and warm and smart and all the good things in the world

namjoon who makes your heart go boom-boom because of how sweet and caring and wonderful he is

namjoon who has two left feet and has officially tripped his way into your heart

you look like a maniac because you’re sprinting everywhere to try and find namjoon but you seriously don’t know where he is

you’re out of breath and your bag is flopping against your back anD you’re holding onto the daises and the paper bag for dear life

you spend an hour trying to find namjoon

but he’s nowhere to be found

you end up back at the library and you let out a sigh as you shut the gate behind you

it’s the end of the day so there’s nobody around really

the sun is beginning to set

you groan and slam your head against the desk in frustration

you

are

an idiot

congratulations, y/n y/l/n - you fucked up.

“thank you” namjoon smiles at the waitress before sitting up a little straighter and reaching out for the sandwich on his plate

he takes a small bite and his eyes flicker to across the booth where you should be

suddenly he’s not feeling very hungry anymore

he swallows his bite and pushes the plate away before slumping against the booth and looking out the window of the cafe

he curses to himself when he feels a lump growing in his throat

he feels dumb crying over you

he should’ve known you would never go for someone like him

he sniffles and reaches up to dab away the single tear that’s threatening to spill over

namjoon doesn’t come to work the next day

instead you’re met with the sight of some random guy sitting behind the counter

his name is hoseok and he’s all smiles and you’re sure he’s a nice guy but he’s really getting on your nerves right now

and he has the audacity to ask you if you need help with anything

he’s sitting in namjoon’s chair!!!!!!

“sorry- where’s namjoon?” you interrupt his little rant about his day and he blinks at you

“hm? oh! uh, not sure… would you like me to try contacting him for you? if you have a question about how things work around here you can always ask me! i used to work at the library but they told me i talked too much buT here i am again because-”

oh my god this guy is infuriating

namjoon doesn’t come to work the next day

or the next

or the next

or the next

you’re starting to get worried

you’ve texted him - no response

you’ve called him - no response

you talked to jin and jin told you that you actually have enough extra credit now!! so you’ve been relieved of your librarian duties buT since namjoon isn’t there you can fill in for him til he comes back

“i thought i was supposed to continue working there til the end of the semester? and after the semester ends i’ll get the extra credit?”

“yeah, i thought so too - but i guess you’ve done such a good job that namjoon’s given you extra exTra credit!! good job!!!” jin grins and claps his hands together “goodbye summer school!!!!!! now, listen, let’s not fail our courses so that i don’t have to have this discussion with you again, how about we…”

o god

namjoon doesn’t want you around anymore thAt’s why he gave you the all extra credit immediately

you slump against the seat as jin continues to blab about a study plan for you

what are you doing to do now?

two weeks pass by and you’ve gone to the library every single day in hopes that namjoon will be there

instead you’re met with hoseok’s smiling face

side note: you’ve warmed up to him he’s actually really sweet

but you just

you miss your joonie

so when you walk into the library after a particularly tiring day and see namjoon sitting at the desk instead of hoseok

you’re understandably a little shook

“namjoon?? where have you been????” you gasp and shut the gate behind you “i-i’ve texted and i tried calling you but you-“

“i just needed a break.” namjoon shrugs

there’s an awkward silence between the two of you and you pluck at a loose thread on your sweater

okay

you need to say something

you had something planned out but for some reason you can’t remember what you were going to say

how about you start off with sorry

okay

that’s a good plan

start off with sorry

easy peasy lemon squeezy

you clear your throat and sit down in your chair before scooting closer to namjoon

he doesn’t budge

that’s a good sign.,., right

“hey, uh, look - i’m sorry-“

“it’s fine.” namjoon replies softly and flips to the next page in his book

it’s obviously not

he can’t even look you in the eye

“namjoon, i-“

“i think you should go. people who aren’t librarians aren’t supposed to be behind the desk.” namjoon snaps his book shut before getting up off his seat and walking over to the gate

he holds it open for you

okay

you deserve that

“i just wanted to say that i’m sorry-“

“yeah, i got it. is there anything else i can help you with?”

god

u feel awful

you pluck at the purple bracelet around your wrist nervously

“please, just give me a second to explain-“

“you’ve done plenty of explaining. i get it. i’m not good enough for little miss y/n y/l/n.” namjoon scoffs “message received loud and clear.”

“no, that’s not tru-“

“now if you’ll excuse me, i have some students waiting who actually need help.” namjoon gestures to the line of students before pointing at the gate

you swallow the lump in your throat and you stand up and grab your bag

difficult difficult orange difficult

namjoon feels a twinge of guilt nibbling away at his conscience

it’s been about

five days? since he last saw you

five days since you tried apologising and he didn’t even give you a second to explain yourself which honestly wasn’t fair of him

and he wants to talk to you and stuff but,..,., like.,. he’s never experienced anything like this before and he doesn’t know what to do

are the two of you just going to avoid each other for the rest of your time here

the only time you interact will be when you check out a book at the library which very rarELy happens

he can’t help but wonder when he’ll see you again

the next time he sees you he’s definitely going to say something

and it seems like someone up there is either on his side or really hates him

because there you are

behind the counter

but he hasn’t had a chance to prepare for this situation and whAT IS HE GOING TO SAY TO U

it’s then that he notices that something is off

“y/n? what are you doing here? you don’t work here anymore and… it’s saturday.”

namjoon jumps when you whIP around clutching a bunch of books to your chest

“i put all the returned books away. i stamped all the new books on the first page and not the front cover-“

namjoon can barely pay attention to what you’re saying because you look

well

you looking a little rough girl

there are bags under your bloodshot eyes

your hair is pulled up into a messy bun

there’s a pen stuck through the bun

your reading glasses are tangled in your hair

“i also put the new books into the cataloguing system so you don’t have to spend this weekend doing that anymore!! you can go home and rest if you want!! i-i can take care of it!!”

“how long have you been h-“  

“i’ve restrung all the old books that are falling apart! i-i vacuumed behind the desk and i dusted the bookshelves too-“ you gesture wildly to the bookshelves

“y/n - jesus, you look like you’re about to pass out i think you should rest” namjoon rushes behind the counter and grabs onto your shoulders to steady you because you’re starting to sway a little bit

even though he’s still hurt by what happened he’s not going to prioritise thAt before you especially since you don’t look so good right now

also now that a good amount of time has passed he’s slowly starting to get over it

if you don’t like him like that then you don’t like him like that

there’s nothing he can do about it

he just has to accept it

“no namjoon listen to me look i even restocked on those black pens you like so much and i didn’t use my glittery pink pens when i labelled the books!” you sniffle and look up at him with watery eyes before gesturing to the cup of pens

“yes, i see that-“

“i just need you to know how sorry i am, okay?”

“yes, and i’ve forgiven you-“

“no, you haven’t! you haven’t forgiven me and i can see why! if i were in your shoes i wouldn’t forgive me! i’m just an asshole and there’s literally no excuse in the world to defend what i said about you and i feel awful and i’d understand if you never wanna see me again because i would never wanna see me again-“

“-y/n-“

“but you’re literally the sweetest guy i’ve ever met and i like you so sO much and you didn’t have to help me study for my finals and you didn’t have to give me extra credit-“

“-y/n-“

“and you need to know that i don’t think all those awful things about you i was just being stuPId because those girls make me act stupid and i don’t know i should’ve defended you but i didn’t but i reaLLy wanted to but i-i just froze and i didn’t know what to do and aLSO i’m not letting you give me extra credit because i’m smart enough to know that i have to finish working for a full semester before you administer extra credit-

“oH my god will u just shUT UP”

in a raRe act of spontaneity namjoon grabs your cheeks and bends down and plants his lips right against yours

and as cheesy as it seems

f i r e w o r k s

your eyes flutter shut and you fist namjoon’s shirt in your hands as you kiss him back

and then namjoon realizes the the fact he’s kissing you

he’s kissing you

he pulls away quickly and steps back and you immediately miss his warmth but also

he just kissed you

did that really happen??

or are you overtired and you just dreamt that whole thing up??

“wha…”

“i forgive you, alright? and… you can come back and work here for your extra credit.” namjoon clears his throat and scratches the back of his neck “now go and take a nap before you pass out right here right now”

his entire face is on fire

what the hell was THAT

namjoon watches as you lie down behind the counter and cuddle up to a makeshift pillow (his hoodie that he let you borrow after a long night of studying)

a couple days go by

things are

kinda normal ??

you guys are slowly falling back into your old routine

you apologise again and namjoon reassures you that he’s forgiven you and tells you to stop saying sorry before he kicks you out again

you get a chance to fully explain the situation and noW namjoon definitely forgives you

it was a misunderstanding and yeah he was pretty hurt but

he’s over it now

and he tells you to quit apologising otherwise he’ll make you a sandwich with no mayonnaise at aLL and you shut up immediately

also

you two haven’t brought up the kiss at all

namjoon is mortified

he’s never going to be spontaneous ever again

do you even remember kissing him?? (yes u do and ur freaking out about it)

god he hopes not

jeSus

if it isn’t obvious by now namjoon is a lil bit of a coward

it’s not his fault!!!!

why would a sane person want to step out of their comfort zone?? just STAY in the comfort zone that’s why it’s called the C OM F O R T zone

things that are within the vicinity of kim namjoon’s comfort zone:

1) adding a touch of sriracha to his sandwiches for a LITTLE bit of a kick

2) drinking soup and wearing a crisp, white button-up because he’s very neat and is 100% positive he won’t get a droplet of soup on his shirt

3) not making a move on you because he doesn’t know what to do and if he doesn’t know what to do he’s just going to leave it like that

you, on the other hand

you are very different

things that are within the vicinity of y/n y/l/n’s comfort zone:

1) adding a SHITloAD of spicy mustard to your sandwiches because p a i n   i s p le a su re

2) drinking soup and wearing a white tee-shirt because who cares?? if u stain the shirt you can just say you bought it like that AND it gives your clothes more character

3) making many maNy moves on namjoon to try and encourage him to reciprocate affection and eventually admit that he has feelings for you

“good morning, joonie~” namjoon’s eyes pop open when you lean down and plant a ‘’;’friendly’;;’;’ kiss on his cheek

o

that was unexpected

“morning” he clears his throat and stays quiet as you sit down and pull your things out

you wheel closer to him and look down at the desk “whatcha doin?”

“uh,” namjoon looks down at the book on the desk “re-binding a book… it, um, it was kinda falling apart but to be fair it’s a really old book so i can see why-“

“do you need help??” you reach over and brush your fingers over where namjoon’s holding the spine of the book down as he waits for the glue to dry

his cheeks immediately buRST into flames and he yanks his hand away before breaking into a nervous laugh “no!! it’s okay!!! i- uh, i suddenly remembered i.,,. i have to pEE” the chair spiNS in circles from how quickly he zippEd off of it and you let out a small breath

this is going to be a lot harder than u thought

“y/n, where did you- oh, there you are! your soup is getting cold” namjoon scratches the back of his neck

he furrows his brows when he sees you on your tip-toes on the toP STEP of the very VERY old wooden ladder

you turn to glance at him “oh, hey! i’ll be right there. i’m just cataloguing some of these older books”

“okay, um- maybe you should use the metal ladder instead?? didn’t i tell you the wooden one is basically falling apart?” namjoon adjusts his collar nervously

o god

his palms are getting sweaty

you look down at the ladder before shaking your head

“you never told me that”

LIES

he DID tell you that but this is all part of your master scheme

>:-)

although you’re probably going to break every single bone in ur body if you’re not careful so u should probably get off soon

you’re not aware of this yet but the weak wood is starting to splinter a bit under your weight

“i’m fine, joon. look!” namjoon’s heart stops in his chest when you stomp down on the step in a poor attempt to prove its stability “see?? totally fine”

oh my god

you’re purposely trying to kill him aren’t you

luckILY it doesn’t fall apart

and then he hears the first splinter

and a crack

and another crack

namjoon’s superman instincts immediately kick into gear and he zips towards you when the ladder suddenly snaps and you’re sent hurdLING TO THE GROUND

you find yourself in namjoon’s arms in a millisecond after falling and you blink up at him “holy shit”

“i toLD YOU” namjoon scolds and doesn’t budge when you slip an arm around his shoulder and praCTIcally cuddle up to him “i told you the wooden one was crap but you neveR listen to me and you could’ve seriously hurt yourself and whAT was the whole stomping thing are you an IDIOT-“

“you care about me” you grin and poke his chest and namjoon glances down at you

he clears his throat

“of course i care about u” he lets you back down onto your feet and takes a step away from you “now come and eat ur stupid soup before i smack u”

somehow you end up tricking namjoon into feeding you spoonfuls of soup because you’re “still shaken up from what just happened”

namjoon rolls his eyes at your antics but uh

he plays along

:-)

“y/n y/l/n??? reading??? preposterous!” you look up from your book when namjoon suddenly appears and sets a stack of books on the countertop

“don’t use your fancy vocabulary in front of me, you know i only know like 3 words maximum”

“what are you reading?” he adjusts his glasses and peeks over a little

“i don’t even know what i’m reading. i just picked it up because i was bored. it’s called ‘Captain Corelli’s Mandolin’. i thought it was about pirates but it’s….. noT.”

of course u thought it was about pirates

“oh! i’ve read that one! Louis de Bernières, right?”

you close the book to look at the front cover

“ya it’s lewis dee bearnards.”

namjoon looks at you like,, okay A+ for effort

“read it out loud”

“don’t you have work to do?”

“i do, but read a line to me! refresh my memory”

“alright, alright - here” you lean your elbows on the counter so that you’re right next to namjoon

you clear your throat and open the book to find where you were at

“When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are to become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.”

“Because this is what love is.” namjoon quotes quietly and you put the book down

the two of you lock gazes and you can’t help but notice that something feels different between the two of you

and then you find yourself leaning closer

and closer

and closer

and-

“anYways it’s a really good boOk” namjoon suddenly stands up before clumsily picking up the stack of books “i’ll be in the back!!!!!!”

you groan quietly

SO close

“thanks for walking me home” you smile up at joon and he nods in response “and thanks for lending me your cardigan”

you slip your arm from his as you go to unlock your door

you turn around and wrinkle your nose “you probably want your cardigan ba-“

“you can keep it!” namjoon blurts out and quickly looks away “i mean, um… if you want. you can keep it. so next time you have something to keep you warm when it’s cold?”

you press your lips together to hide your grin and you nod and look down at the plain brown cardigan “okay, well… thanks again.” you murmur and take a lil step closer to namjoon

he looks up at you in surprise and you can FEEL the magnetic attraction bringing the two of you closer and closer

it’s going to happen

he’s going to kiss you at your front door

and it’s going to be magical

and then-

“i think i left my oven on at home” namjoon breathes out and he’s SO close you feel his breath wash over your lips “can i text you later?”

god DAMNIT

this is fucking ridiculous

you and joon keep having these almost-kiss moments and you will GLADLY smooch the man but he backs out every time and is like hOohOo i’ll be in the back!!!!!!!!! or he’ll be like i NEED 2 PEE or like i NEED TO READ A BOOK NOW

whenever you’re standing near him or your knee brushes over his when you guys are sitting with each other he gets all nervous and jittery and his face gets all flushed and then he’s like i NEED TO DUST SOMETHING

and then when he leaves each time you have to refrain yourself from grabbing the stapler and like stapling your fingers together out of frustration

he’s just so!!!!!!!! he’s being such a nAMJOON

you’ve never really chased a guy down like this before

and at first it was fun but now you’re just frustrated

so you’ve finally decided it’s time for the last resort

as much as you hate confrontation

it’s necessary in this situation

“i have a question for you” you murmur as you scribble a note down in your journal

it’s a pretty quiet afternoon in the library (as per usual except there are less people here since exam season is over)

namjoon’s sitting behind the counter and you’re standing in front of it doing your work because you felt like your ass was going to fall off from how numb it became due to you sitting on it for like 5 hours straight

you set your pencil down quietly “joon.”

namjoon sighs and flips through his book “if it’s about the online library system i told you you have to hit the big green button for it to sav-“

“why don’t you wanna kiss me again? i know you like me too”

wait wat

namjoon chokes on his tea and pats his chest a couple times before quickly adjusting his glasses

did you just

did he hear you right

what the fu

what???

what’s happening

is this a fever dream

you like him too?

“sorry - w-what?”

“i said - i know you like me too. so what’s the problem, dimples?” you lean over on the counter and prop your chin up on your palm

what’s the problem?

the problem is that this is way too good to be true

he knows exactly what’s happening

you don’t like him you only think you like him

he doesn’t need your pity

you’re only saying you like him because he’s the lame librarian and he’s not mr athlete like yoongi and you’re trying to make him feel better

“i- who- look, i don’t know who put this ridiculous idea in your head, but i-i don’t!” namjoon gets up from his chair quickly and walks out from behind the counter

the little gate snAPS shut

“why’d you kiss me in the first place then??”

…,.,.touché

“to get you to shuT uP” namjoon explains as if it’s the most obvious answer in the world even though he’s definitely lying thru his teeth right now

“to get me to shut up mY ASS”

namjoon bites down on in inside of his cheek and suppresses a groan

OH my god you are so IRRITATING

“wha- if anything, i think you’re the most infuriating, annoying, and obnoxious girl i’ve ever met!” namjoon takes a step towards you and towers over you but you don’t budge “you- you always crash the cataloguing system and you never put the books back in alphabetical order like you’re supposed to and on top of that you’re always bringing your dumb snacks in here and you always leave crumbs everywhere for me to clean up even though i’ve told you multiple times you have to clean up after yoursel- mmph!”

namjoon’s eyes go as wide as saucers when you’re suddenly grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and yanking him down so that you can kiss him

S M O O C H

you pull away and namjoon blinks quickly before his cheeks flare up

you let go of his collar and smooth it down before prodding your finger into his chest accusingly

“you have all these complaints about me yet you never activELy try to stop me and that signals to me that yoU LIKE ME- oh!” namjoon’s suddenly grabbing your waist and pushing you up against the counter and then he leans down to mash his lips against yours

you feel the sting from where the counter is digging into your back but holy shit you do noT give a fuck right now

his hands are cupping your face and he tilts his head to deepen the kiss

namjoon licks into your mouth and you let out a small noise of surprise

you whimper and tug at his tie to pull him even closer to you

“waIt wait wait oh god this is highly inappropriate y/n we’re in an educational setting” namjoon pulls away from you and you find yourself chasing after his lips before you’re like you’rE right you’re right

so the two of you step away from each other and you smooth out your shirt while namjoon adjusts his collar

the two of you look at each other and lock gazes

…

and then you’re immediately lunging at each other again and namjoon’s strong arms wrap around your waist while your arms wrap around his neck

he lifts you up in one swift movement and you find yourself sitting on the countertop leaning down to kiss joon while he slots himself in between your legs and places one hand on your waist while the other rests on your thigh

“you’re a very good kisser” you murmur into the kiss  

“don’t underestimate me” he squeezes your thigh and you smack his hand away when it starts sliding up higher and higher

“so are you still positive that you don’t like me back?” you pout and slide a hand down his chest and namjoon reaches up to wrap his fingers around your wrist

he purses his lips and pretends to think “you might have to kiss me again and then i’ll have a definite answer for you”

you giggle and cup his cheeks before leaning in to give him a sweet little peck and namjoon hums happily

“…yeah, i definitely like you back”

the two of you can’t hide the fat grins on your faces

god bless the library

surprisingly enough you aren’t actually that much of a party person

just because going to parties requires so much damn effort

you take like two hours to slather 10 pounds of makeup on your face and another hour to squeeze into a saucy outfit

and then when you get to the frat house it’s all dark inside so doing your makeup wasn’t even worth it

and when you sit down you have to sit straight otherwise you’ll buSt out of your jeans

you only go to parties because of jimin

he usually takes care of the drinks and it would be plain rude of you to say no to free drinks!!!!!!!!

the basketball team is celebrating their big win and they’re going aLL out and they asked jimin to take care of the drinks for them at this party and so jimin was like ya you don’t have a choice you have to come to the party

and you know jimin’s going to be busy all night so you invited namjoon to come along

no offence to your sweet boyfriend but you hope he doesn’t get too overwhelmed because he gets overwhelmed pretty easily

obviously parties aren’t his scene which isn’t a bad thing

you told him that if he was uncomfortable and wanted to leave you would totally leave with him

you’re predicting that he’s going to show up in a sweater vest or something

bless him

to be fair you’re wearing one of his cardigans over your outfit right now just because it’s still a little chilly out anD the cardigan kind of matched with your ~lewk~ for the night

and also it smells like him and makes u feel cozy

:~)

“look at this set up! this is like a legit bar” you smooth your hands over the marble countertop and jimin nods enthusiastically

“i know right!!! you’re lucky that you’re friends with the bartender - so what can i get for you tonight, ma’am?” jimin smirks and tosses a rag over his shoulder before wiggling his brows

“surprise me, minnie” you grin

“where’s namjoon?” jimin plops a chunk of lime into the shaker

“he’s on his way! he wanted to stay back and clean up before coming here and he-“ your phone suddenly buzzes in your pocket “-and he’s calling me right now pardon me” jimin nods and wanders off to the other end of the bar for the ice

“hello?”

“hey, i just got here - where are you?”

“i’m by the bar! i’m wearing your cardigan so-“

“oh! okay, i see you. i’ll see you in a sec” you hang up and slip your phone into your back pocket and jimin wanders back over with your drink

“i’ll start you off with a spicy blackberry margarita” you ‘ooh’ in amazement because this looks like a veRy fancy drink

jimin watches you expectantly as you take a sip and your eyes pop open “this is SO good!!!!! please keep them coming or i’m suing” you murmur while taking the straw in between your lips again

“hi baby” you feel someone slip an arm around you from behind and you immediately recognise that musky cologne when joon props his chin up on your shoulder

“mm- hey dweeb” you pop a quick kiss on his cheek but you’re not really paying attention because this drink is bOMB

“what are you drinking?”

“it’s a spicy blackberry margarita. did you wanna try- woah.” you choke on your drink when namjoon sits on the stool next to you and you get a really reALLy good chance to look at your boyfriend because sweetie this is not your boyfriend

he has his hair slicked back

he’s not wearing his glasses

he has two small silver hoops hanging from his ears

he’s wearing a plain white tee that is very veRy tight around his biceps and a pair of ripped skinny jeans anD a pair of timberlands

y/n.exe has stopped working

“-whaaaaaaauhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-“

whose mans is this

is this your mans???

this is your mans????

“aren’t you going to give me a proper kiss hello?” namjoon tilts his head and pouts

what the hell

what the hell?////???

“who are you and what did you do to namjoon?????” you manage to squeak out

he rolls his eyes playfully before leaning in and slotting his lips against yours

“cute outfit, by the way. a cardigan’s kinda dorky for a house party though, don’t you think?” he raises a brow and tugs you off your seat so you can stand in between his legs

“you’re calling me dorky??”

“i’m not the one wearing a cardigan at a party. have you never been to a party before?” namjoon slips his hands under the cardigan and rests his hands on your hips and gives you a little squeeze

“excuse-“

“y/n! hey, girl!” you feel a little piece of your soul die when you hear that familiar pitchy voice

you spin around in namjoon’s grip so that he’s hidden behind you

“wendy! …hey…” you clear your throat

you haven’t spoken to wendy or the others since the incident

just because they’re assholes and u don’t really,.,., like assholes??

“ugh, i’m so glad you made it! look, the girls and i just wanted to give you an apology.”

“well it’s not me you should be apologising to” you raise a brow

wendy scoffs playfully “well it’s not like kim namjoon would be at this party. you can just apologise to him for us or something!”

suddenly namjoon yanks you down so that you’re sitting on his leg

his arm slithers around your waist and your arm hangs loosely around his neck  

“wendy! so nice to see you again!” before you get the chance to say anything namjoon offers the three girls a charming smile

.,,.,.god his teeth are literally perfect

wendy’s brows furrow in confusion

“see you agai- wait, namjoon?” she gawks and you feel a twinge of anger when her eyes graze him from his head to his toes

lisa and jisoo exchange glances before murmuring things to each other

you catch a glimpse of lisa staring at namjoon as if he were a piece of mEat

the AUDACITY of these girls

she takes her bottom lip in between her teeth before her right eye drops in a wink

namjoon sighs

“you alright, lisa? is there something in your eye? you’re blinking weird. and jisoo - i see a widdle piece of lettuce in your teeth.”

the two girls’ faces flush bright red and you press your lips together to keep yourself from laughing

wendy shakes her head “you- wow, you clean up nice…”

“wish i could say the same for you.” he pouts and reaches out to pinch her cheek “you’re looking a little red… maybe the stick up your ass is causing tension?” he suggests and props his chin up on your shoulder

woW

breaking news: wendy has just been COMPleteLY obliterated

“wow… whatever.”

you remain silent as the three girls immediately whiP around and head in the other direction

“…do you think i should go and apologise?” namjoon suggests sheepishly and you turn to look at him

“if anything i think you should’ve taken it farther”

“and this is why i like u”

“i know” you raise your fist and namjoon laughs before bumping his fist against yours “now, c’mon - let’s get you a spicy blackberry margarita”

okay

so

about two hours have passed

you and joon have been hanging out at the bar mostly

jimin keeps testing new drinks on the two of you

both of you have an ample amount of alcohol flowing through your veins

and now you’re on the couch because the bar was getting too busy

and uh

you’ve always been a affectionate!drunk and namjoon is now realising this

“what’s gotten into you?” namjoon laughs after you rub your nose against his before pulling away to give him a lil kith

“just loving on my boyfrienD” you giggle and wrap his arm around your shoulder before nuzzling against him

in the background you hear the commotion of people getting excited because jungkook’s gone and volunteered himself for body shots

you very faintly see min yoongi and the random thought of that water girl job pops into your head

namjoon takes the red plastic cup away from you “mhm, i think that’s enough for you, missy”

“namjOoooOn” you immediately make grabby hands for your cup and namjoon holds it away from you so that you can’t reach it

you’re practically stretched out on his lap trying to grab it

you huff and roll your eyes “well noW what am i going to do to pass the time”

spoiler alert: u somehow persuade joon into a make-out session on the couch (it was pretty easy and u had good points “everyone’s over in the kitchen doing body shots and also u look super hot tonight”)

you pull away from namjoon and take your bottom lip in between your teeth “…you wanna get outta here?”

“you need to learn how to be more patient” namjoon laughs when you squirm your way in between him and his front door

it’s hard to unlock the door when you’re pressing kisses to his neck aNd tugging at his shirt at the same time

“you need to learn how to find your damn keyS” you groan and tug at his belt

the moment namjoon unlocks the door he pushes you in and the keys clatter to the ground

“now look who needs to learn how to be patient” you squeal when he lifts you up in one swift movement and wraps your legs around his waist

“it’s still you” namjoon murmurs against your mouth and you bite down on his lip in retaliation

he grins and squeezes the underside of your thigh causing you to giggle

“stoP i’m ticklish there” you murmur and namjoon raises a brow

you pull away and jab a finger into his chest “don’t even thiNK about it”

“i have no idea what you’re talking about” namjoon shrugs innocently as he begins the small trek to the bedroom

you don’t know how he hasn’t dropped you yet

like ya you knew he was strong but you didn’t know he was thiS strong

your fingers wrap around his bicep and you give a testing squeeze and you feel a ziP of heat down there when he flexes underneath your fingers

o fuk

you fall onto the mattress and it bounces under your weight and the next thing you know namjoon is hovering over you

“c’mere, you” namjoon breathes out and leans down to press his plump lips against yours

he grunts when you roll your hips against his and let out a whimper

frick

he wants to hear you make more noises for him  

“wait wait wait” you breathe out and pull away from joon

“what’s wrong?” namjoon sits up immediately

what did he do???? o god

he fucked up what did he DO

you reach over to the bedside table and namjoon’s like ??

namjoon blinks quickly as you slip his glasses onto his face

“as much as i liked bad boy namjoon i miss my bookworm”

“do you find visual impairment sexy?” namjoon adjusts his glasses and crinkles his nose

adoraBLE

you giggle and lean in to kiss him again

namjoon jumps when he feels your hands tugging at his belt and he immediately reaches down and wraps his fingers around your wrist

“what are you doing?” he breathes out and you move down and start pressing kisses to his neck

“taking your pants off”

well like

he knOWs what you’re doing he just

he doesn’t want to like,, pressure you into doing stuff because he rly likes u and u guys haven’t been together for thAt long

“we don’t have to-“

“why? are you a virgin?” you tease and namjoon scowls playfully as you continue to undo his belt “because i can be gentle with you!”

okay

he doesn’t like this game

“maybe we should get some chocolate covered strawberries and champagne?”

you continue your little jokes even as namjoon pushes you down gently on the bed

your head flops against the pillows

“you want me to light some candles?” you giggle when namjoon gives the side of your bum a smack after peeling your leggings off and tossing them aside

“oh yeah, i love candles. i especially love those vanilla scented ones.” namjoon tilts his head before peeling his shirt off and tossing it aside

you pause in your teasing for a second to admire joon’s sun-kissed tanned god-like skin

you want to take a bite out of his biceps

“maybe we can take a bubble bath or something? to ease your nerves” you coo and poke his nose when he slots himself in between your legs and leans down with his hands on either side of your head

“that does sound nice. i’m trembling with nerves, after all” namjoon sighs and buries his face into the crook of your neck and starts pressing kisses to your skin

“don’t worry - i’ll be gentle with you” you mutter and namjoon snorts before biting down on your shoulder playfully  

oh god

you’re on cloud nine right now

“oh, namjoon,” you gasp and dig your nails into the nape of his neck

your back arches against his chest when he thrusts into you again

your toes curl into the mattress

you’ve never had sex like this before

it’s a slow slow burn and you can already tell that this is the best orgasm you’re ever going to have

“you feel so good” namjoon moans lowly and his raspy voice “s-so warm n tight and you’re all mine- nngh- fuck,”

“oh my god namjoon”  you whimper breathily and your finger dig into his back

namjoon brushes his lips over yours in an almost kiss as he struggles to breathe because you feel so good around him

your vocabulary is very limited at the moment just because your mind is clouded with lust and you can’t focus on anything besides namjoon namjoon namjoon

“good?” namjoon leans down and presses his forehead against yours before his hand is slithering in between your legs

“good, s-so good,” you whine and arch your back against him

he keeps at a steady pace and continues to build up the pleasure and the tingling sensation and your toes curl into the mattress

“nam-namjoon- i-i’m-“ you choke over your words as you finally fall apart beneath him his eyes are hazy with pleasure and his pupils are so dilated that they’ve basically swallowed all colour in his eyes

“i’ve got you, you’re okay,” namjoon murmurs as he starts planting soft kisses along your jawline and then down your neck

the next thing you know you’re seeing stars and you’ve officially been reduced to a trembling whimpering mess

namjoon manages four and a half more thrusts before he’s letting out a groan as his orgasm slams into him suddenly

he gives you one last kiss before rolling off of you

you immediately cuddle up to his chest and the two of you share a moment of silence where you’re just processing what the heck just happened

“…not bad for a virgin, eh?” namjoon grins and you snort against his chest before whacking his arm gently

“c’mon, i think i promised you a bubble bath”

you love your handsome boyfriend

but those thick square frames of his makes him look like such a dork (which makes you love him even more)

sometimes he leaves them on the counter because he says wearing them too much gives him migraines

and you like to take advantage of the situation

“i’m namjoon and i can’t walk five steps without tripping over my feet!” you imitate namjoon and the boys burst out into laughter and you can’t help but feel a sense of pride not only because you know your impression is spot on but it’s also funny as hell

“i’m namjoon and i keep stale candies in my pocket like a grandpa”

another round of laughter and you’re feeling good

“hey wait - where are you guys going??? i haven’t even gotten to the good ones ye-“

you jump when you feel an arm slither around your waist and suddenly you’re being pulled into a hard chest

“i’m namjoon and you’re in big trouble when we get off from work today”

boyfriends usually find it sexy when their girlfriends wear an article of their clothing

and sure you’ve stolen a couple of joonie’s tees and hoodies and he thinks you look adorable drowning in his clothes

but nothing gets him going more than seeing you wear his glasses

especially when you wear them while you’re riding him  

you know that saying

gentleman on the streets but freak in the sheets

namjoon is the epitome of that saying

“nNgh- na- namjoon! ah, joon, fuck-“ namjoon’s glasses slide down until they’re on the tip of your nose and namjoon groans at the sight

his fingers dig into the flesh of your hips and he bucks his hips making you cry out in pleasure

“fuck, look at you, falling apart on my cock - oh, you like it when i talk to you like this? naughty little girl” he reaches up to grasp your chin and presses his lips against yours

in conclusion: nothing gets him going more than seeing you wear his glasses

namjoon’s pretty proud of the fact that he gave you a new appreciation for books

because you’re reading a new book like eveRy week which is great

but now he’s starting to think that you might like books more than you like him

and he’s not typically the kind of person who whines because he thinks whining is annoying and won’t get you anywhere

but you are turning him into a whiney person because of your new infatuation with books

“joon, stop,” you scowl and push him away when he rests his head on your shoulder and starts reading along with you

you like to read alone and he knows that but he likes being near you!!!!!!! and you’ve been silent for like an hour!!!!!! and he misses your voice!!!!! so SUE HIM

“but you’ve been reading for an hour and i’m bored” namjoon pouts and slumps down on the desk

you look down at him and your heart flutters at how cute he looks with his pillowy lips in a pout and his cheek squished against the desk

“well let me finish reading a couple more chapt-“

“a couple more?!” namjoon squawks and gets the attention of some people sitting near the counter

“-and then i’m all yours! it’s just getting to the good part. i don’t bother you when you’re working!”

“because when i’m working, you’re working too! and you actually interAct with me when we work” namjoon grumbles and sits up before grabbing a random book and flipping through it angrily

“well i’m taking a break”

“yEAh like your fifth break in two hours”

“watch the attitude mister”

“u watch youR attitude” namjoon huffs before wheeling back to his side of the counter

he turns and gives you his best angry-looking face and you snort before putting your book down because he looks like an angry puppy

you wheel over to him and rest your cheek on his shoulder and namjoon shakes you off

“have i not been giving you enough attention, hm?” you coo and link your arm with his before grabbing his hand

namjoon doesn’t respond and continues to click on the laptop but he doesn’t let go of your hand

it’s time to pull out

the biG GUNS

you immediately smoosh your lips against his cheek and assault him with kisses and namjoon can’t help but break out into a giggle

this is all he needs to stay happy!!! just kiSs him a couple times a hour and he won’t be whiney anymore

it’s not that hARD TO DO

he reaches up to cup your face and leans in to give you a soft peck before pointing to the book that you abandoned for him

“go and finish reading… bOokworm”

namjoon typically is very gentle when it comes to pretty much everything

when he’s rebinding books he does it with such delicacy and precision so that a page is never out of place

when he’s dusting shelves his wrist flicks so subtlety as to not knock any books over

when he holds your hand he intertwines your fingers with his and it makes you feel soft and cozy on the inside

but the namjoon that is currently in between your legs is not the same namjoon

and you love it

you gasp as namjoon’s fingers dig into the meat of your inner thighs to keep you planted firmly against the bed as you try to buck your hips

“joon, i c-can’t-“ you whimper and squirm underneath him

“yes you can, i know you can,” namjoon purrs and presses a kiss to your inner thigh before leaning down and burying his face in between your legs

he’s already made you cum twice with his fingers alone and now he wants to make you cum with his mouth

“nO namjoon please-“ you mewl and bury your fingers in his hair before yanking “please i need you so bad”

as much as namjoon would like to spend the rest of the day with his face buried in between your legs he knows you’re not going to last much longer so he’ll show some mercy

also he’s like buSting out of his pants so he needs to relieve himself too

#selfcare2k19

namjoon sighs before pulling away and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand

he can’t help but smirk at the sight of you flopped on his bed with your hair in a halo around your head and your cheeks are flushed and your lips are swollen and your eyes are glassy

all because of him

“only because you’ve been such a good girl”

“i- oh!”

namjoon flips you over onto your stomach in one quick motion “and you’re going to continue being a good girl for me, aren’t you?”

you hear the gentle tinkering of his belt and the shuffling of his pants and you bite down on your bottom lip in anticipation

you nod quickly and prop yourself up onto your forearms

namjoon chuckles when you squirm and wiggle your bum against him “patience, jagi”

“i’ve been patient” you murmur into the crook of your elbow and namjoon smacks the side of your bum in warning

your eyes flicker up when you see namjoon’s hand reach out to grip onto the headboard

his other hand is on your hip and you freeze when you feel him easing himself in slowly

he starts off slow to let you adjust

but the moment you give him the green light

all hell breaks loose

namjoon begins fucking into you at a merciless pace and you can’t help but mewl and moan underneath him

you feel like your body isn’t even attached to your minD right now because you’ve never felt pleasure like this before

namjoon stays silent apart from his heavy breathing and the occasional grunt and if that’s not the sexiest sound in the entire world you don’t know what the hell is

“tell me who’s making you feel this good” namjoon growls into your ear and gives you a particularly hard thrust

“y-you, you are, i-i, oh god, namjoon-!“ you gasp and bury your head in the pillows

“up, baby” he warns you and wraps his arm under your stomach as he pulls you and straightens you out

your arms are shaking underneath you as you hold yourself up and namjoon leans down to press a kiss to the back of your neck

and then he’s placing his palm on the small of your back and continuing to push himself into you as deep as he possibly can

your orgasm practically obliterates your body when it finally comes

spots dot your vision and your fingers dig into the mattress and namjoon’s name continues to slip past your lips over and over again

you spasm uncontrollably around namjoon and that triggers his own orgasm because hoLy fuck you’re so warm and tight and-

namjoon pulls out and you feel splatters on the swell of your ass and you hear him groaning lowly as he finally relieves himself

you have no idea what’s happening

all you hear is white noise

all you feel are tingles up and down your spine

“you did such a good job, baby” you weren’t even aware that namjoon left to go to the washroom and now he’s cleaning you up with a warm rag “such a good girl for me” he coos and presses a kiss to your shoulder before he flips you over gently so that you’re on your back

he leans down to give you a sweet peck before nudging his nose against yours

honestly.,,.,. get u a man who can do both

“y/n!”

you look up from your phone and namjoon’s holding up the cataloguing notebook with a raised brow

“purple glitter pen??? seriously??” he says in a verY unimpressed manner

your eyes flicker over to the sheet before you look back at your frustrated boyfriend

“…you said you didn’t want me to use pink so i used purple”

namjoon suppresses a groan and pinches the bridge of his nose

some things never change

[derrickdent]

BBHMM, OR HOW TO DEAL WITH THE DEADBEAT CLIENT

You’re a fucking freelancin’ badass, with a semi-steady flow of work, and you’re living the dream of doing **insert best/fave thing here** , and getting the money from your biggest fans. Can’t be better, right? Well, one of things you were probably not informed about is what happens when the dream sometimes becomes a financial nightmare. 30 day waits for payment. Invoices and reminders. Anxiety waiting for that check. Clients that don’t seem to care that you’re eating peanut butter for breakfast, lunch, and dinner while your payday is delayed in a death spiral of perpetuity. Getting stiffed sucks, and you gotta keep the lights on. How can you keep this bullshit at a minimum? I’m not a financial expert, but I’ve eaten a fair amount of shit trying to get money from clients that have a sense of urgency about everything except paying me. There’s a ton of info about this online, but hopefully my lewd voice in the choir is helpful. (Samuel L. Jackson voice) LET’S GET YOU YOUR MONEY, MUTHAFUCKA. FROM THE BEGINNING

Make sure that you get everything down in writing. Have a statement of work or a contract that states your scope of work, your fee, deadlines, usage restrictions, deliverables, and any notes about late fees, payment timetables, and billable expenses. (Example of a statement of work).

Make sure that a client knows that you can’t begin work without acknowledging these terms. They should return a signed copy of this document, or acknowledge its terms via email. Sometimes there’s a rush situation and you may be pressured to dive in. It’s still a clients responsibility to make sure everything is taken care of on paper, to protect you and to ensure that they are also in the best position to get the best from you. 

If they “politely” ignore the contract, then reiterate the terms in a follow up email, with a polite call to action (ex: “Hi! I’m just making sure that we’re on the same page about what the scope of this project is all about. I going to be [**rates, usage, time, deliverables, expected expenses, payment expectations here**]. Is that correct?). It’s important to get this down on the front end. Depending on your state, this counts as a legally binding statement.

NOTE: Try to get an upfront deposit if you can. 30-50% is normal, and this is also a test of whether the client will be good for it after all is said and done. This is also an incentive to put your best foot forward. Some clients will balk at this, but if the early “what is your rate?” convo suggests this is a possibility, go for it. This also depends on the industry. This is almost impossible with editorial, and though I’ve heard mixed stories in publishing, it’s hard to get an advance or deposit unless you’re doing a full book. Large corporations often have a convoluted accounts payable system that pretty much guarantees money will be slower than human evolution. The best results I’ve had are with small, dynamic businesses and individual clients. Once they confirm the terms, then you can begin scheduling and first steps in a project. FAST FORWARD TO PROJECT COMPLETION

INVOICE IMMEDIATELY. Seriously. Do NOT delay this. Most clients are not going to remind you to send one after you’ve finished a project, and you are ultimately responsible for this. (example invoice). Include the basics: your business name your contact info and address the client’s info and address an invoice number total due  

Don’t forget an invoice number- accounts payable folks have a hard time placing your invoice in their system without one, and you don’t want to delay things because of a technicality. You can use a simple numbering convention: I use my initials and a double digit combo (ex: DD01). Also, if you haven’t gotten an EIN, get one from the IRS. WHEN YOU APPLY, ONLY GO TO THE .GOV IRS LINK. SCAMS ARE A-PLENTY AND I WANT YOU TO AVOID TEARS THO. An EIN is great, because it can be very compromising to keep putting your SSN out there, and in some cases an EIN can get you paid faster. You should itemize your work in the invoice, similarly to how you would find items on a receipt (ex: 1- Illustration for “client and application”, **brief description** = $THIS AMOUNT.00) Write amounts in dollars and cents. Instead of “$3000”, write “$3000.00”. Again, this helps your client or client’s accountants process your payment a touch faster, and saved time counts. Include a line with a total of your billable expenses. These are items that you HAD TO purchase to finish your work. Make sure you keep your receipts, and make a PDF slideshow with scans of those items for transparency’s sake. Send that PDF with your invoice. Finally, include a line that is the grand total of EVERYTHING. Put that total in BOLD PRINT just to make sure that it’s clear what the client owes. If necessary, you can include direct deposit info. This includes your routing and account number. This way, you give the client another way to pay you, and you can fight off the delay of waiting for a paper check. Even though it’s assumed in many places, make it clear that payment is due NOW. From the moment you send the final invoice out, the onus is on the client to pay up. They should confirm receipt of this, but if they’re slow after a day or two, give them a quick email reminder. NOTE: If you have a client’s phone number, keep it handy. This will come in handy later. FAST FORWARD TO A FEW WEEKS LATER AND YOU HAVEN’T BEEN PAID YET

Either way, you’re waiting (and hopefully pursuing other work!) for money that you need. The timeframe for a reminder varies. Some people will drop a friendly note after 15 days. I tend to be a bit generous, and will wait until 10 days before the invoice is late. The email is friendly, and assumes good faith. Something like: “Hi! I just wanted to touch base about the payment for this invoice. Is there any progress on this? Is there anything I can do to assist with this? Please note that you will be 30 days late on (date here). If so, then a (late fee percentage) will be added to the final amount due.” The key is to emphasize some kind of fiscal penalty. People don’t like to spend more money, so you’ll, at the very least, get a response to let you know that things are being processed. You may also get redirected to an accounting department. If you get a number or an email to them, HOLD ON TO THIS INFO. Hopefully, at this point, the client gets the push to make good on payment. FAST FORWARD TO 30 DAYS AND NO PAYMENT

At this point, you are apprehensive because no one wants to wait to be able to pay bills, eat pizza, and enjoy their own Netflix account. The dynamic changes now, because this is the day that the client has to pay you before it’s late. Tomorrow is late. In some states, you have legal recourse to pursue payment (In NYC, the default timetable for freelance payment is 30 days). You should email your client reminding them that payment is due today. If you have their number, call them as well to reinforce this message, but emails are important now. Each email you send is a recorded effort to receive payment, and they are timestamped for posterity. Note that a client may have already sent a payment out, but the check is transit. Also, calling/emailing an accounts payable department will reveal that a payment has been made and it will be in your bank account in a few business days. Get confirmation of this before you continue. AFTER THE INVOICE IS 30 DAYS LATE

Clients need the benefit of the doubt, but it’s their responsibility to pay you now. After 30 days, you have “permission” to increase the frequency of your correspondence. During the first 10 days of being late, I will email and call every other business day (Monday, Wednesday, Friday was my model, but it may differ for you).  Afterwards, I will check in once a day. This may seem excessive, but persistence goes a long way. You may get an exasperated response, but don’t stop until you get a confirmation of payment or a layout and timeline of the payment. If you have a contact within a company, use them as your ally within an organization. It’s easier to get things moving with someone on the inside, and pressure on them will translate to pressure elsewhere to get you to stop asking for your money. Be professional, but direct. They owe you, and any further delay will result in additional fees, and possible collection action (including legal action to collect). If you have a number for accounts payable, hammer them hard. They will be probably be your last line of communication, and you’ll need to get an email to reach them again, an employee name to refer to, and a timeline for payment. 

SIDEBAR>>> NYC CREATIVE PROS AND THE FIFA ACT

If you live in NYC, you have an additional resource: the city government. The NYC Department of Consumer Affairs (DCA), and The Office of Labor Policy and Standards (OLPS) have a complaint form that you should fill out as soon as the client is over 30 days late. The Freelance Isn’t Free Act (FIFA, passed in 2017) is very clear that what your client is doing is ILLEGAL, and the city will assist you in gathering materials to make a case for nonpayment. Fill the complaint form out, be very specific about your client and any related contacts. Note, they are not legal representation as much as they’re navigators who will help you find legal counsel and resources needed to file a claim in court. Remember when I said to get everything in writing? That’s important. It may be a bit of work, but find every email thread related to your freelance gig. If you’re doing this on your mobile, open the thread. Go to the first message. Find where the “print” option is. You’ll be taken to a preview window. Look for the “download” button. This is really easy with Gmail. You can basically save the entire thread as an organized PDF, with messages in chronological order

Do this with every gig-related email attached to the overdue payment. Save these PDFs to a folder. Create sub folders that can put this correspondence in context, like chapters (ex: one folder is “Beginning of Job”, another “Job in Progress”, another “Invoice/Payment Requests”). This will make it easier to navigate everything. Include the PDF folder (zipped) with your complaint folder. OLPS will take a sec to get back to you, since you’re not the only person in NYC that gets stiffed. After about 5 biz days, give them a call. This can help you get ahead of the pack. You will receive a call from an OLPS office case manager who will confirm your info. They will ask if you’ve been paid. If yes, then you can thank them and call everything off. If not, they will send a certified letter (WITH AN OFFICIAL ASS LETTERHEAD) to your client, reminding them that they’re late. They have 20 days to respond to this- if they don’t, then they will basically be on the hook to go to court for a nonpayment case. You’ll have to either get a lawyer to rep you, or you can rep yourself, but the client is on the hook to prove they don’t owe you. Since you already have a record of your interactions, this will be very difficult for them. It should be noted that clients tend to get reallll antsy when the government says that they owe money. They’ll probably contact you directly. Keep up with these responses. Each email builds out the timeline of your case, and is fodder for the cannon. At this point, they usually pay up. DISCLOSURE: I’ve never had to go to court, so you may need to look elsewhere for advice. This may be a good place to start. SPEAKING OF DOCUMENTATION- I forgot to add that you should record your calls when speaking to clients that are late. ACR is a free app that allows you to record your calls. Make sure recording is legal in your state, and always let clients know that the call is being recorded. You can borrow the “for quality control purposes” line if you’d like. Sometimes people will try to circumvent documentation by using the phone. Don’t let them weasel out of that. LASTLY, this is specifically related to NY. The parts about documenting your correspondence are universal, though. Wherever you are, a vital part of making a civil case is piling on the material against a deadbeat. Be vigilant and persistent. I would suggest looking into whether there is a state govt. entity that you can go to about civil cases, and also look up if there are any local volunteer/low cost lawyers in your area. 

The FIFA Act has been a gamechanger in giving freelancers more power to get what is owed to them, and my hope is that other cities follow suit, or organize to get similar legislation for this purpose. SIDEBAR AGAIN>>> LAWYERS

Another way to get a client to pay up faster is to lawyer up earlier. After 30 days, you should see what your options are. If you can afford it, you can consult with a lawyer and get a pro opinion about your case. They may be able to send a stern letter to your deadbeat client (WITH AN OFFICIAL ASS LETTERHEAD) prompting them to pay or else. Like with a government agency, people don’t like surprises from legal. They will probably pay up quick, but if they stick it out, then you can file a claim and take them to civil court. This will be costly for you and your client, so nonpayment usually gets resolved before this happens. If not, know that if a court rules in your favor, the client will have to pay you and cover your legal fees. My experience with lawyers is limited, and I would suggest looking elsewhere for particulars. Also, keep in mind how much you’re owed. A $300 case may not be worth as much squeeze as a $3000 or $30000 one. If it’s a low ball sum you’re owed. You may have an easier time calling it a loss and moving on. 

EDIT: I’ve been told that contingency fee lawyers are out there that don’t collect fees until after an event (like you winning or losing a judgment for example), but they’re kinda like unicorns for freelancers and tend to take on bigger cases. It doesn’t hurt to see if any are out there anyway!

NEW!>>> COLLECTION AGENCIES

So, you may want to seek help through a collection agency. They have the time and resources to call, mail, and chase money when you’re trying to focus on good clients that pay on time and are depending on your A game.

The good news is that most are contingency fee based. That is, they won’t collect anything from you until they get the money from your client.

The down side? They can take anywhere between 18-40% of what your client’s debt is. Note that I didn’t say WHAT THEY COLLECT. If your client owes $100, and the contingency based fee is $30, an agency will take $30 even if they only get $60.

Also, based on a lawyer friend’s input, if your collection agency is legally shady, you may be indirectly on the line if your deadbeat client decides to sue said agency. Also your payment, connected to the collection agency and your client’s legal battle, will be held in indefinite limbo. 

So do your homework and weigh your options before taking this route.

FAST FORWARD TO 60 DAYS Fortunately, I haven’t had to do this, but you can start pursuing legal action to get your money. Check on state laws to make sure this is the case, as well as the particulars about filing a claim. By this time, you should hopefully have a lawyer or some legal counsel at your disposal. If you don’t, then look up the laws of your state and local area to see where you stand if you have to rep yourself. Remember that as long as you have written acknowledgment of your terms of work and written acknowledgment of your invoice, things should lean in your favor. THE END

HOPEFULLY this has been helpful. The best parts of freelance (independence, flexibility, control, and self-prescribed wages) are often at odds with the pitfalls (feast-or-famine dynamics, wearing of all of the hats, taking all of the risks). It can feel like robbery when you put your blood, sweat, and tears into a project only to have an empty bank account as thanks. Some of this info is boilerplate, and some is from direct experience. If any of this relates to you, and you were able to get closer to your hard earned scrill because of this, I can die happy(er).

GOD SPEED AND GET PAID, GODDAMMIT!

ADDENDUM: One of the things that I didn’t emphasize enough is that doing this will be emotionally draining. Unless you are a robot or a stone cold Type A business beast, it will strain you. Make sure that you’re taking care of yourself mentally.

If you have a partner or family, make sure to take the help and support they provide and don’t turn your money issues into a personal issue with them.

  Also, doing this requires energy. It will feel like a part time job, and even if there are late fees that factor into what you get paid, this will largely be unpaid labor. 

Persistence is key, but I’m not going to pretend that it’s not hard or that you won’t have other obligations that make keeping up the effort difficult. I’m lucky in that my girlfriend and I have a relatively low-expense lifestyle, and no dependents, and we’re both fairly flexible because we both freelance full time, and that we had a bit of financial padding saved to weather the storm. Mileage will certainly vary.

Edit: Tumblr is weird about making links visible, so I put them in bold body font for you to find them easier.

[dustydreamsanddirtyscars]

I don't blame you at all for keeping quiet about the show. I just can't understand how the people running the CW can look at what Dabb is doing to this show and go, "Eh - good enough." It's NOT good enough. It is demonstrably terrible, and at this point I desperately hope there will be a new show runner next season who will reveal the last 2 seasons were all a dream because one of the boys was in a coma. I don't know how else to fix things without acting like the Dabb era just didn't happen.

Not sure my ask went thru… What’s up Girly-girl! Long time no comment, edit, review, rant, observation, bitch session…  we miss you! You still watching? Curious as to what you think about theses past 5 episodes. Looks like Dabb in his ultimate suckitude as a Showrunner has screwed Jensen over again and handed off his DeanMichael storyline to another. Shocker. I’ll be really pissed if he has. And it definitely looks that way.             

Hello dear!

I assume these two might have been written by you? And probably some time ago as well. I’m sorry about replying so late, but tumblr hasn’t really been a prioriy these past months. Thank you for your message though. :) I think tumblr is working perfectly alright without me though, but thank you for being sweet and saying you missed my rambles.

That being said, I don’t think there will be any rambles, specs or metas posted on my page in any foreseeable future - though I could probably just schedule the around 200 meta-, gif- and edit-posts that are still sitting in my drafts, but then again… they have collected some dust by now.

To be completely honest, it’s a combination of things why I have been silent on here. One being that my daily life with work has been pretty demanding and doesn’t leave me with a whole lot of energy after I get home, but it’s also that I simply don’t have as much to say about SPN anymore these days.

I joined fandom in the middle of S7 and my personal highlight times on here has been from S8 to S11 - those were the good old days of meta, really they were golden and I cherish that time dearly still, but fandom has changed since then (and what people deem most important as well), the show has changed and I don’t feel like I am having a place in this fandom any longer. While I also always love editing, my primary focus on tumblr and with my blog has been analysis and meta and I feel like the kind of meta I strived for, loved reading and wrote myself theme wise is no longer of any interest to the majority of people - which doesn’t really bother me, I would continue to post my views regardless, but these past 3 seasons under Dabb’s reign have been hard on me. He turned the show into something I can barely recognize as the show I fell in love with. The storytelling is a mess and so much other stuff as well that I have been very vocal about up until a few months back, but I didn’t want to be just negative any longer so I took a break hoping that maybe SPN would inspire me again to write, but Dabb’s version of SPN is so shallow, so foreseeable from miles away that it has simply not been the case.

To put it plainly, Dabb has made me fall out of love with SPN these past 3 years as he turned it into a show that has nothing in common with the show I love. Of course all of our tastes differ, but my personal favourite seasons past Kripke were the Carver years as he imo knew how to craft story, craft emotion, craft characters and he knew how to play subtle, how to set up a story and follow through, how to make your heart ache in the best way possible. His style of storytelling and showrunning is what I adored and Dabb’s style has hardy anything in common with that so the past three years watching the show, seeing canon thrown out the window, replacing deep emotion with cheap melodrama and stories that built up and had a climax to millions of stories that go nowhere has left their mark on me. It’s been a tough three years, years that were frustrating, yes even painful, it was like a relationship that you always hoped would blossom again but never did. It’s like a relationship that had all the raw potential but ended up hurting you more than it made you happy.

Don’t get me wrong, I will always love this show and there will never be another show that will have this impact on me and my life and I can guarantee that there will NEVER be a character that will mean as much to me as Dean Winchester, but Dabb era has been painful, because I cared so much about the show. I was mourning it and it’s characters while they were still there on my screen but treated with such careless hands that I needed to take a step back and to be honest, I think it was the right call. For one because no one needs a negative voice all the time, but even more so now that J2M have revealed that S15 will be the last.

I see a lot of people very broken up about it and I’d have been the same way after S8 or 9 or 10 or 11 if it had ended then, right now I feel relief - and I don’t want to hurt anybody with saying that - and strangely enough for the first time in a while interest again (I have been watching the episodes btw, but like I said… nothing that would need to be written about - aside from Jensen rocking it with his Michael struggle, which like you said now has been given to someone else, once more) and a faint bit of hope and even happiness, because this way they should be able to craft an ending that is planned from the get-go. And that is something that could be very good for the storyline - then again, sadly I doubt that someone like Dabb could pull it all together. But here’s to hoping. All I want at this point is for them to make it count, make it worth it - I’d love nothing more than seeing the first episode of S15 and feeling like writing meta again.

So, what does it all add up to? I know this is a long ramble, but I felt it was overdue given my silence on here. I don’t know how often I’ll be on here from now on, I’ll check in here and there, but I doubt I’ll be posting much. To everybody who is hurting due to SPN coming to an end: HUGS. Really selfishly I can say I truly don’t hurt or feel broken up, I feel more like resolution is finally on the horizon and potential for a wonderful ending. And something that I will always be grateful for is the people this show has brought into my life, people who’ll stay in my life way past this show, that’s what makes the show count: just like the character will transcend, keep living, so will these friendships for life and that’s how this show will become “immortal”. Not through the storylines, not through the 15 seasons it aired, it had impact through and due to the people who watched it and who found like minded people through it they can consider close friends and even family now.

Anyway, if I could have one wish fulfilled, it would be to get all of the good writers back on the show for this last hurra, Ben Edlund, Jeremy Carver, Sera Gamble, Raelle Tucker, Robbie Thompson and Adam Glass for example and of course Eric Kripke. Let them pen the ending to the show that famously once said “endings are hard, but nothing ever truly ends, does it”. And yes, I still stand by my sceanrio that I have written about many a times before in terms of endings. I’d love it if the ending scene was a shot of the Impala on some stretch of the road (the brothers may have died fighting the good fight or finally retired or whatever else) and some guy who looks to be lost, but a good soul tries the door and it swings open. He sits down, rumages through the car to find the keys and finally looks into the glove compartment where a thick envelope sits that reads:

“For you”

And the guy picks me it up and opens it and inside there’s a leather journal, reminiscent of John’s but not his and a folded piece of paper and the keys to the Impala. And you can see in Dean’s handwriting there’s written:

“May she be as much of a home to you as she was for me and my brother. Treat her well, or I swear I’ll haunt your ass.”

And the guy laughs and turns on the ignition, “Back in Black” starts blasting from the radio so that he turns down the volume and fumbles for the journal, opens it up and looks at the first page that says:

“My name is Dean Winchesters. And then is my story. Buckle up.”

[magicalcrapulent]

Captain America and how he discards his title in CA:CW

Once I have lain in bed one morning and thought about CA:CW. Let’s just say that I have feelings about this movie. I analyzed the movie and Steve’s and Tony’s actions during the plot. I decided to write it down to order my thought, and it somehow became an essay (oops?). And now I want to share my new insights with the world; the insight that Captain America discards his title as Captain America as early as CA:CW.

Okay guys, hear me out! Captain America: Civil War is not about the Sokovia Accords or an argument between Steve and Tony. It’s much more than that underneath the surface. It’s about Steve’s abandonment of his Captain America persona. And this is how it goes:

What does Captain America stand for? Democracy and freedom. He is/was the ideal human being in terms of Nazi standards: big, blonde, blue eyes, intelligent, the perfect soldier. And he punched Hitler in the face. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do. Steve acts on the premise that what he does is good and right, because that’s what he’s been doing all this time since WW2, that’s why he was chosen for Project: Rebirth in the first place: because of his inherent goodness, and Steve delivered (rightfully so). He is used to do what is good and right, because that’s who he is, that’s what Captain America is, what he stands for: The Good Fight.

And then the Accords came. Suddenly somebody tells him that he was acting out of order, that his actions may not be as positive as he was led to believe. Of course he denies it for a while, but CA:CW is not really about the Accords, at least not for Steve. But by brushing those Accords aside he also starts brushing aside everything he stands for: Democracy and freedom. 117 nations decided that the Avengers couldn’t continue the way they were doing. 117 nations decided that they had enough of having an American team of ‘superheroes’ just come into their country, cause mayhem and then disappear again, leaving those nations in shambles, all in the name of the greater good. They had enough, and they used their rights and freedoms to do something against it. They stood up and said “It’s enough”. By denying those nations’ right to say ‘No’, by saying “The safest hands are our own”, by claiming everybody in a position of power is (basically)corrupt and has a secret agenda, Steve denies those countries’ freedom and democratic rights.

Steve is not completely wrong. He has personal experience with hidden agendas. Negative experiences. We have seen it in The Avengers and CA:TWS. SHIELD has, on multiple occasions, withheld information and had their own secret agenda and their reasoning wasn’t all that sound. It starts in The Avengers, where SHIELD lies to Steve’s face about clean energy while secretly making HYDRA weapons. This is the first crack in Steve’s trust towards the established power systems. The second is when the Security Council fires a nuke at Manhattan, at their own civil population. That is the second crack. The next one comes in CA:TWS. Already at the beginning Fury withheld mission parameters from him, and we can see how pissed Steve is that people are not telling him everything he (thinks he) needs to know. His trust is completely shattered when it turns out SHIELD was corrupted from the very beginning. HYDRA has grown inside Shield from the start, and it turns out for Steve that even the organization with the hidden agenda has even MORE hidden agendas. I think we can say that Steve worked for SHIELD because it is the only organization he marginally trusts (and knows), and he only continues to trust them after The Avengers is probably because they weren’t the ones who fired the nuke and they came clean to him when he confronted them with the hidden HYDRA weapons.

So Steve’s skepticism towards established governments and organizations is justified. What he doesn’t seem to understand is, that even he himself has a hidden agenda: Bucky. Rumlow is right by saying that, whenever Bucky is mentioned, Steve’s brain does a full stop and everything else loses importance. So by saying that he can’t trust governments with hidden agendas to give the commands, he is a hypocrite, because he himself has a hidden agenda himself that he tries to protect and fulfill. Because not only does he want to protect Bucky, but he also wants to neutralize the threat the additional Winter Soldiers in Siberia pose, something he doesn’t really tell anybody about who doesn’t necessarily have to know about it. And Tony obviously isn’t somebody who needs to know in Steve’s opinion. The thing he so despises in other – the secret keeping, the lies, the hidden agendas – are all things he does himself through the length of CA:CW. But we get to that again later.

This is actually a reoccurring theme in comics; it’s a thing that especially authorities like the police criticized after WW2 about the way they are depicted in comics. The Lone Hero, most of the time some kind of vigilante who acts outside of the law, defeats the bad guys and lets the government, military and police look bad. People feared that especially children would read those comics and disregard local authority, because obviously they are completely incompetent, and why should children even listen to them?

And that’s exactly what Steve does! After the UN bombing in Vienna every evidence they had at that time led to Bucky being the culprit. We, as the viewers, know that something else is going on and that it wasn’t Bucky who planted the bomb, but the characters in the movie don’t know what we know. They only have the means and knowledge given to them, and, like I said, the evidence points towards Bucky. And so the police, no, more than the police, the fucking GSG9, a German special ops team, goes to apprehend the man who bombed the UN in Vienna. And what does Steve do? He decides that they are not good enough                       and that he can do better and sweeps in himself, verifying everybody’s worst fears and complains to be true. Like Tony said later in the movie, Steve’s actions prove that something like the Accords is necessary, because obviously Steve knows no boundaries. No matter what Steve claims, acting the way he did wasn’t the best for everybody and he was following his own agenda: saving Bucky. The only one profiting from his actions was Bucky, nobody else.

Then comes a time of calm, of conversation and of diplomacy, where Tony and Steve have a long overdue conversation. And Tony brings out the pens he found in his attic (?). But what do these pens symbolize? Tony said that they were used to sign the Lend-Lease Bill, but what does this have to do with the story? What does this Bill contribute? They could have chosen any other Bill or even a Peace treaty that those pens could have signed, but they chose this specific Bill. Why?

This Bill basically allowed Roosevelt to continue his own agenda – involving America in WW2 – while still acting in the boundaries of the law. By loaning and not selling the UK weapons and supplies he acts in the parameters set by his own government while still helping those who need it. It is symbolic to the Accords and Tony’s role in it. He signed the Accord because he thinks it’s the right thing to do, because his own actions (Ultron for example) show that even Superheroes need regulations. They can’t just run around and do as they please without any kind of consequences. In Lagos Cap and his team did their thing, and when people got hurt and died they just left again like “Well, shit happens life goes on”. A normal human being wouldn’t have been able to get away with something like that, and Superheroes shouldn’t be an exception.

No. Tony signed the Accords to take up responsibility for his action, but he isn’t delusional. He knows Ross. In the after Credit scene in The Incredible Hulk we see him talking to Ross. He knows that guy and what to expect. But Tony is a clever dude. He signed the Accords, but he is also manipulating them to suit himself and what he wants to accomplish. It sounds shifty, but so does Steve with his “the safest hands are our own” bullshit. Tony acts in the parameters set by the Accords, just like Roosevelt acted in the parameters set by the American Government and Congress, while still working towards their own ultimate goals.

That is what those pens symbolize, the acting in set rules while having the freedom to follow your own morals. A practical example for this is Wanda’s confinement. Many may shout “Tony imprisoned her!”, but what do you expect? She’s an illegal immigrant without any kind of legal papers, an ex-member of HYDRA, helped Ultron, and got some people in Lagos killed. Do people really think that all those things don’t have consequences? Do they really think that she can get away with all of those things with a simple “Oops, my bad”? It was either house arrest in a comfortable environment, her own home, with all its luxury like privacy, TV, Internet, fitness facilities, and all alone with the guy she has a crush on, or being imprisoned in a cell with a straightjacket and a collar. Tony acted in the parameters of the Accords, but he managed to manipulate them according to his will by having Wanda in confinement, but still giving her luxury and a certain kind of freedom and amenity. Not to forget that Steve didn’t even think to ask about Wanda. Only when Tony brought her up did he care to think what is going on with her. Another evidence is that, at the moment, Steve is single-mindedly focused on Bucky and nobody else, no matter their (maybe shitty) situation. With those pens Tony subtly tells Steve that he can still follow his own goals and still keep his integrity and follow his own morals while still complying with the law, just like Tony has done with Wanda.

But all of this goes right past Steve. All he says concerning the Lend-Lease Bill is that it brought America closer towards war. And again he acts like a hypocrite. Wasn’t it Steve who applied for enlistment through all of New York and even New Jersey so that he can participate in said war? Wasn’t it Steve who said that bullies weren’t allowed to remain in power? Wasn’t it Steve who fought the Good Fight by punching Hitler in the face?  As much as WW1 was a senseless bloodshed, the Second World War was, in a way, necessary. People like Hitler weren’t allowed to remain in power. They weren’t allowed to achieve world domination. And to be frank, it wasn’t really America that stood in Hitler’s way. It was Churchill and the UK. They were the only ones standing in Hitler’s way of completely controlling Europe. Not America, not France, not Russia (who were Hitler’s allies), it was the UK. As much as Roosevelt wanted to participate in the war and help his British friends, he couldn’t. The American people didn’t allow it; his congress didn’t allow it. The only thing he could do was trick the laws and his government as much as he could to support Churchill as much as he could.

By not only forgetting that, but by also first thinking about the (somewhat) negative implication those pens brought up – America joining WW2 – Steve not only disregards the sacrifices the UK brought during that very lonely year where they were the only ones standing in Hitler’s way, but he also insinuates that it was wrong from Roosevelt to sign this Bill. We can compare it to his own situation with the Accords. He thinks that signing those Accords is a mistake, something that will tear the Avengers apart, something that will get them into trouble, something that could be avoided by not signing. But at the same time he betrays everything he stands for in that sentence. By implying that (in a way) joining the war was a mistake he betrays his former believes that you have to stand up to bullies, that you can’t let somebody like Hitler or HYDRA continue as they are. At the same time he thinks that he is honoring those very same ideals with not signing the Accords, because he thinks that the people who support those Accords are the real bullies. But that is, like Rhodey so wonderfully put it, “dangerously arrogant”. To think you are the only person in the world to be in the right and everybody else’s opinion and reasoning is wrong, is indeed dangerously arrogant.

In that moment he represents the American imperial belief, the thought of America as the world’s police force. America comes into a country where there is a problem and gets themselves involved despite the protests of its inhabitants. They think they have the right of it because they say they fight for something bigger like freedom and democracy. And that’s what Cap does, too. He gets into a country in the name of the mission and the protection of the world, does what he wants, and says he has the right of it because he does it for something bigger like freedom and democracy. So it’s doubly hypocritical of him to say that joining the war was the wrong decision to make, not only because he represents the American imperialism, but also because, as we have seen in Age of Ultron, that Steve’s biggest fear is the end of the war. That’s his biggest fear, that the war (no matter which one, WW2, war with the Chitauri, war against HYDRA, war with Ultron) ends and that he is no longer needed. Steve fears peace, and almost craves war, because it gives him purpose. And isn’t that sad? That your only purpose in life is to go to war?

By disregarding the pens, by disregarding the Lend-Lease Bill, Steve is disregarding every single one of his accomplishments as Captain America: his help in defeating the Nazis and HYDRA, the victory at the Battle of New York against the Chitauri, HYDRA’s defeat in Washington, Ultron’s defeat in Sokovia. By implying that joining the war wasn’t worth it he practically says that all those accomplishments and victories weren’t worth it. Tony is right, though. By signing the Lend-Lease Bill Roosevelt helped Steve become Captain America, and thus helped to achieve all of those victories. And Steve is brushing them aside because he has a) no idea about political maneuvering and b) he is unable to compromise and make a detour to achieve his ultimate goal.

But why can’t he make those compromises? What is it that stops him from thinking this through properly? You know the Answer. It starts with a B and ends with an –ucky.

Steve has a certain picture of Bucky, and that picture sometimes doesn’t align with reality. For him, Bucky is his friend, his partner in crime, his brother in everything but blood. They grew up together, fought together, they had each others’ back from the moment they became friends. The problem is that this version of Bucky doesn’t exist anymore, at least not in the beginning. Since the end of CA:TWS Bucky was nobody. He wasn’t Steve’s long lost friend, but he also wasn’t the Winter Soldier. He was nobody, had no identity, no memories, everything that makes a person who they are has been erased by HYDRA, over and over again. But Steve saw him and only saw his long lost brother, when in reality he wasn’t. He was nobody. But throughout the movie Steve tries to protect this friend, even during a time where he wasn’t this friend, not until after Bucky went on a rampage and Steve knocked his head real hard (neuronal recalibrating). Only after that did Bucky really become Bucky. But before that he was the (ex-)HYDRA assassin who bombed the UN. Steve, of course, doesn’t believe that, because he has faith in Bucky and knows he would never do that, that he only ever became the ‘villain’ because HYDRA kidnapped him and brainwashed him over and over again. And Steve is right, Bucky wouldn’t do that. But Nobody-the-ex-Hydra-assassin might. In theory of course, the viewer knows that he wasn’t the culprit, but like I said above, the characters can’t know that because they don’t have all the information the viewer has. The point is that Steve expects Bucky to think and act in a certain way that he is familiar with and that he knows and can predict, but at that certain point of the story that is not who Bucky is. Only after he regains some part of his memories and part of himself, are those predictions Steve made true. Before that Steve predicted the behavior and steps of a different person, not of Nobody-the-ex-Hydra-assassin.

Steve’s predictions get verified then. He always knew that it wasn’t Bucky who planted the bomb but somebody else, that something more sinister is going on, but he didn’t predict that out of empiric evidence but because of a personal, subjective opinion. But now, with Bucky regaining part of his memory, with an actual clue that there is a very real and very big threat on the horizon that could very well make HYDRA or whoever it is take control of those additional Winter Soldiers a very real contester for world domination, what does Steve do? HE KEEPS IT TO HIMSELF!!!

Before CA:CW Steve had a real problem with authorities keeping information from him, even accused the UN and 117 Nations of being corrupt, and here he is, doing the exact same thing! It already started in CA:TWS where Steve found out that HYDRA killed Howard Stark and opted not to tell Tony about it. In Age of Ultron Steve accused Tony of keeping too many secrets from the team, while at the same time he is the one who keeps a pretty big secret from Tony. This is already were it started, this is where Steve starts abandoning his own ideals. He demands honesty and transparency from everybody, because that is how democracy works, but at the same time he doesn’t offer any of that himself.

Steve believes the worst of other people – probably because he was told that he himself was inherently good, which would imply that everybody else wasn’t good enough and thus he was better than them– and in CA:CW he also believes the worst of Tony. He doesn’t tell Tony about this new threat because he thinks he wouldn’t believe him, that he will try to stop Steve from doing the right thing, from stopping those Winter Soldiers. And in the end he feels vindicated (again), because Tony does try to stop him, but not because of the reasons Steve predicts, but because Tony can only act on the information he has, which means that, for Tony, Steve is trying to help Bucky escape and hide him until he can clear his name. That is all the information Tony has, and he cannot act differently because Steve is withholding information. And the airstrip of an airport when tensions are high and people are preparing for battle is probably not the best time or place to discuss this new potential threat. It’s not like they had hours upon hours of time to meet up or talk over the phone about those Winter Soldiers… Oh! Wait!!! THEY DID!!! You cannot tell me that Steve had time to fly two (completely uninvolved) parties from as far as San Francisco (!) over to Germany, but at the same time didn’t have the time to tell Tony (at least over the phone) that there are five killing machines about to be released in Siberia. Tony would have at least had somebody check that out, or would have even gone himself to take a look at those potential Winter Soldiers.

Some may complain now: “Tony was off collecting his own little army! How was he supposed to reach him? Steve had to defend himself so that he could go and stop those Winter Soldiers!” Yes, Tony did collect an army. Why? Because he has seen what Steve was willing to do in Bucharest when people started to become a ‘threat’ to Bucky. He has gotten 36 hours to bring Steve and Bucky in, and he knew that he could only do that properly and with as little violence as possible when he could overpower them. Spider-Man’s task for example was only to web them up so that they could collect them later on. Tony only wanted to stop a wanted fugitive from escaping and stop Steve before the situation could become any worse for him because Steve was helping and abetting an escaped fugitive. Tony couldn’t really know that Steve was collecting allies and a small army himself.

And then, of course, everything goes to shit. Rhodey is paralyzed, Steve and Bucky escaped to god knows where, half of the Avengers is in prison. Of course they blame Tony for that (I’m looking at you Clint and Scott), but let me ask you: WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN??? You probably saw in the News what happened in Vienna, that Bucky was probably the culprit, that you were basically helping a prime suspect for a terroristic bombing at the fucking UN escape, and you thought that didn’t have consequences?!?!? That’s the exact reason why the Accords are necessary. Team Cap thinks they are right, just like Steve does, that they were fighting The Good Fight and that this justifies their action. But that’s not true. They helped a wanted fugitive and – as far as the world knows – a wanted terrorist and destroyed an entire airport in the process. And they think they are going to get away with it.

It’s like with Wanda and the incident in Lagos: Steve made a mistake by getting distracted, Wanda moved in, but she didn’t have enough control of her power, too little training for a mission like that, and people died. And although it wasn’t her intention, and that she only wanted to help, it still doesn’t change that she and the Avengers made a mistake and people died because of it. There need to be regulations and consequences, or so-called ‘superheroes’ can do whatever they want in the name of the greater good without reporting to anybody but themselves. Tony is right with what he said, that “without rules we are no better than the bad guys”. Because if there are no rules, then ‘superheroes’ can destroy an entire airport or, like in Age of Ultron, half a city, and face no kind of consequences. Again, Rhodey’s comment about being “dangerously arrogant” comes to mind, and it fits wonderfully into the Raft scene as well. Both Clint and Scott act as if they were in the right and that their imprisonment is a huge injustice because they were fighting The Good Fight, and that they got imprisoned by no fault of their own (and what is it with Marvel’s fathers that they just abandon their kids in a heartbeat? Oh yes Clint, retiring and spending more time with your family by going golfing and water skiing is so boring). They are the ones the Accords try to protect the world from, because they have gone out of control.

The only one who acts reasonable and logical and like he has even a stint of common sense is Sam. When Tony talks to him and tells him that new evidence has come up and that he now knows that Bucky was framed and that something else is going on, Sam tells him everything. It has basically taken two days for the allegations against Bucky to be proven false. Tony isn’t on some kind of vendetta, a hardliner of the Accords that can’t play with anybody acting outside of them (we have already concluded that above with the pens and the Lend-Lease Bill). He knows what he has to do so that Ross and anybody else who might be out for blood doesn’t get a hint that he is about to meet Captain America and The Winter Soldier. We see that Tony can compromise and prioritize. He is going now to help Steve and Bucky neutralize the other Winter Soldiers so that Tony can regain Steve’s trust he seemed to have lost when Tony signed the Accords, and so that they can have time later to discuss every other issue they have without the threat of world destruction.

And, again, everything goes to shit. Bucky become Zemo’s instrument with which he can tear the Avengers apart. And Steve lets him.

By keeping the truth about Howards (and Maria’s) death a secret ‘to save Tony the heartache and spare his feelings’ and by being to single-mindedly focused on Bucky, Steve has brought by the destruction of the Avengers as they knew it. He may claim that he has kept that knowledge a secret to spare Tony’s feelings, but in reality he was protecting Bucky once again. Again Steve probably feels vindicated when Tony attacked Bucky in grief and rage. He has probably predicted such a reaction from the moment he found out Howard was murdered by HYDRA, probably by Bucky, probably predicted that Tony would try to find the murderer of his parents and make him pay. And again, Steve expects the worst of Tony. What was Tony supposed to do? His parents’ murderer was standing right there, right in front of him while he just saw this very same man murder his fucking parents on video! And Steve, somebody who Tony thought of as a friend, was protecting him. How many other people has Bucky killed? How many other people was Steve denying their justice by protecting a single man? I know – and Tony probably knows, too – that it wasn’t really Bucky’s fault, that he got brainwashed and exploited as a weapon. But in that moment, freshly overcome with grief and rage, Tony can’t see reason. Just like Steve loses any kind of objectivity when Bucky is in danger, it’s the same with Tony when the people he loves are in danger (like when he builds the Iron Man army in IM3 to ‘protect what he can’t live without’, or earlier when Rhodey fell out of the sky and appeared dead). Tony loses any kind of objectivity and reason, and after the break-up with Pepper and Rhodey’s fall he is at his breaking point. He has enough.

But all of that following fight might have been avoided if Steve had just come to Tony and told him that Howard’s death wasn’t an accident but that HYDRA had him murdered. Maybe then Tony might have been able to vent his anger and rage into the right direction, especially when you think about that between CA:TWS and Age of Ultron the Avengers were basically raiding one HYDRA facility after the other. That would have been a good way for Tony to make those suckers pay for the death of his parents. But no. Steve didn’t tell Tony, even dares to excuse his behavior and secret keeping, something he oh so despised in others like SHIELD or Natasha or Fury.

Transparency and the sharing of information are the foundations on which a good democracy is build, so that people can make educated decisions, so that people can regard every aspect of a situation. But Steve denies Tony that right over and over again. By his unwillingness to compromise and meet other people halfway, by always expecting the worst of everybody else, he became the very thing he fought against: despots who only follow their own moral code and agendas. He demands the sharing of information from everybody else while he is not forthcoming himself. He criticizes others for following their own moral code and doing what they think is right while he does the exact same thing. He demands others to be reasonable while he himself is dangerously compromised and biased. Captain America is the symbol of freedom and democracy, the right for people to voice their opinions and their right to tell others ‘No’, but by ignoring their voices – the voices of 117 nations – out of more or less personal reasons, by withholding (vital) information and not offering transparency, he is betraying everything Captain America stands for.

And I think Steve knows that.

Tony’s quip ‘My father made that shield, you don’t deserve it’ is almost pitiful in the given situation, but that sentence has a far deeper connotation. Howard has been Steve’s friend, just like Steve has been Tony’s friend, and by protecting his murderer, the murderer of Tony’s parents, he was betraying them in a way. At the same time Tony indirectly tells him that he isn’t Captain America anymore, that he has become someone not worthy of that shield and the title of Captain America that goes along with it. And I think that Steve knows and realizes that. That final fight against Tony, when Tony tells him that he has been Steve’s friend, too, I think that was the moment when Steve realized that he has fucked up. That he has become so biased and compromised that he disregarded everything and everyone else. But he couldn’t stop anymore. Through his mistakes Tony is about to kill Bucky, his Bucky, and he has already gone too far in protecting his brother than to stop now, even at Tony’s costs. At the end Steve could have been petty or all righteous and say that he was Captain America no matter what so he is keeping that shield, but I think that he has gained at least a little bit of self-reflection and realized that what he did wasn’t okay, that he made some mistakes down the line, and that he can’t go back now, at least not for a while. So he lets that shield drop because he doesn’t deserve it.

So he drops that shield, because he knows that he isn’t worthy of it, not after everything what happened. And it wasn’t Tony who ripped the team apart by signing the Accords; it also wasn’t really Steve who ripped it apart by prioritizing Bucky above everything else, but it were the two of them together. Tony (though by no fault of his own; he couldn’t guess that Bucky killed his parents, and his reaction was entirely human) and Steve (by keeping all of this a secret and by withholding important information) gave Zemo the ammunition and the instruments to pit the avengers against each other.

But Steve has shown throughout the movie how he is unable to think clearly when Bucky is involved, how he can’t analyze the situation properly when somebody just so much as mentions his name, how Steve is willing to break the law and get in the way of proper law enforcement to help him, how he prioritizes him over everbody else in his team. Steve is unable to accept other’s opinions and decisions when they are opposite of his own or deviate from it. He is unable to submit to any kind of governmental oversight, even if it’s a humanitarian one like the UN. He can’t accept that his own opinion may differ and may not be in accordance to popular and political opinion and that some countries may not want him and his involvement in his country. He ignores them and continues to do his own thing, breaking the law, getting innocent people in danger, being responsible for the death of innocent people, and being overall subjective and compromised in his decision making. He overall disregards ideals he stands for (freedom from oppression, democracy, free will, exchange of information to make educated decision), and by doing so he casts away his title of Captain America.

What is left is just a kid from Brooklyn. Not a symbol, not a hero, not even a soldier, just another human being.

[tipsycad147]

Collecting out-of-print Tarot decks

by Michelle Gruben

Every Tarot collector wants that one deck. The 1980s deck that you first learned to read with (and haven’t seen since). The indie Kickstarter deck you should have bought when you had the chance. The deck that everyone raves about that’s long overdue for a reprint.

As a lifelong collector (and occasional dealer) of Tarot, I know the agony of searching for those elusive decks. I’ve written this guide to help you round up the stragglers on your list. With a little sleuthing, patience, and (moderately) deep pockets, anyone can build the Tarot collection of their dreams. This article is geared toward those who buy Tarot decks for reading and study, rather than purely for collectible value. But if you happen to make money buying and selling Tarot, more power to you!

First, it’s helpful to understand why Tarot decks go out of print in the first place. Every time a Tarot deck is created, the publisher—whether it’s the artist or a publishing company—has to make a very risky bet. They have to settle on an initial print run, or the number of copies that will be produced. The publisher uses a current budget and past sales figures to arrive at this number, but it’s not an exact science.

If the number is too low, the deck will sell out quickly, disappointing customers. If the number is too high, the publisher could be stuck with unsold copies of the deck for years, tying up cash that could have gone to other projects. Print runs vary from 500 or fewer copies from indie artists, up to tens of thousands of copies from major publishers.

Most Tarot decks never see a second print run after the initial printing sells out. However, if the deck becomes extremely popular, the publisher may opt to put a new edition. Some titles are translated into other languages, and appear in multiple sizes and formats. A classic deck may even get an anniversary edition to mark a major milestone. Not all reprints are created equal, though. Sometimes, the print quality improves and errors are corrected in the new edition. Other times, the deck suffers from flimsy paper stock, “off” colors, and skimpy packaging.

Intellectual property issues can delay or block a re-issue. The Thoth Tarot by Aleister Crowley went missing for several years. The hiatus was due to a legal dispute between the Ordo Templi Orientis, which claims the rights to the artwork, and U.S. Games Systems, Inc., which has a contract to publish the deck. Eventually, a new edition made it to the market—but not before dealers went crazy hawking the out-of-print decks on eBay.

I’ll be the first to admit it: Finding rare and out-of-print decks isn’t easy. There are thousands of different Tarot decks, most from small print runs, and no centralized resources for collectors. In addition, serious Tarot fans tend to hold on to their decks for a long time—like, until death.

Your Tarot wish list

If you’re serious about filling out a Tarot collection, the first step is to make a wish list. Patience is a virtue when hunting for Tarot, so the list will help you focused during those long stretches of no luck. Write down the name, publisher, and any other particulars—like edition or language—for your desired decks. You can also arrange the wish list by priority (“Decks I Would Sell My Firstborn For” down to “Decks I Might Buy If the Price Is Right”).

Once your collection reaches a certain size, you’ll also want to keep an inventory of decks you already own. I don’t wish for anyone to be hovering around a stinky flea market trying to remember if they already have Motherpeace.

Ready to start chipping away at that wish list? Here's four places to look for rare Tarot and oracle decks:

1. Check online marketplaces.

eBay, Amazon, and AbeBooks are the most popular venues for used Tarot decks. Searching online listings is the fastest—but probably also the most expensive—way to get your hands on a long-lost deck. The three sites listed above have the largest selection of vintage Tarot. Generally speaking, used book lots and estate sales put Tarot decks in the hands of dealers, who pass them on to collectors. Search terms like “vintage,” “original” or “OOP” will show you the current haul of collectible decks.

Browsing these three sites is a good way to find out what a particular deck is worth—or at least, what dealers want it to be worth. I’ve seen mass-market decks that originally retailed for about $20 offered for $300 or more. And that’s without the deck being particularly rare or sought-after. Some dealers buy up all the current Tarot titles they can, just hoping that the publisher will sell out and the value of the deck will shoot up.

Don’t be discouraged if you find your coveted deck listed at an insane price. Remember, the value of something is only what someone else will pay. It’s often the case that the seller has no idea what the item is worth. They do know they have only one available, and they’re simply trying to get the best price from some eager collector. The seller may come down if no one bites, or if similar listings pop up. They will certainly come down if the deck is reprinted. If you’re willing to wait, it’s entirely possible that you might find the same title somewhere else for much less.

Try setting up alerts so you can be notified when your wish list items show up in listings. Large marketplace like eBay and Amazon usually support this function. Of course, if the deck you want is truly rare and at the top of your list, you may wish to snap it up as soon as you get a chance.

Online Tarot collecting is not without its risks. Read the listing carefully, and be sure to ask any questions before checkout. Because Amazon requires an ISBN number for listings (but doesn’t keep a complete catalog of ISBNs for out-of-print titles), sellers sometimes list old Tarot items under the wrong ISBN. It’s very disappointing to get the wrong edition (or worse, a book when you were expecting a deck.)

Also, don’t assume that people selling used Tarot decks on major sites know anything about Tarot. Some may be specialists, but some are liquidators who deal in all types of books and other items. Right now on eBay, there are decks with missing cards, decks described incorrectly, and newer editions passed off as vintage. Beware of “as is” listings and sellers who don’t describe the item thoroughly with words and photos. A reputable seller should at least be able to verify that all the cards are there and provide you with the publishing info from the box or booklet.

2. Scrounge around (in person).

Your second option is poking around in cluttered rooms that smell like books. (Poor you!)

Not a lot of metaphysical shops carry used Tarot decks. Part of the reason may be superstition, or clients' worry about the energy of previous owners clinging to the deck. But the bigger reason is probably the hassle. Every used deck has to be checked for condition and completeness. Most of the decks published in the 1980s and beyond just don’t have that much value, other than sentiment. As a shop owner, I can attest that the profit margin on new decks is small enough, and the margin on run-of-the-mill used decks is miserable. But it’s worth checking if your local occult store sells or trades vintage decks.

The next stop for scrounging will be the used book stores in your area. Because of pilferage, decks are usually kept behind glass or the front counter, so you may have to ask for them. Tarot can also show up at such unlikely places as estate sales, rummage sales, auctions, and library sales. Workers at these things don’t always know where to place the decks, so I check the New Age section, the games section, and the rare book shelf. (Unfortunately, the general public seems to think Tarot decks are worth a lot more than they are. Don’t be shy about setting them straight with a cash offer.)

When you run across vintage Tarot decks at a reasonable price, buy them all! Honestly, do it. Whether the decks are on your list or not, they’re really neat to rifle through and they don’t take up much room. They could be a useful bargaining chip when you meet with other collectors. (See #4, below.)

Magickal folks, you can use visualization and intuition to make a hard-to-find Tarot deck come to you. Put your intention out there, then go where your hunches and whims lead you. If you have access to a favorite image from the deck, print it out and put it with your collection. Or you can simply visualize yourself reading the deck or holding it in your hands. Then follow your nose and keep your eyes peeled for your new deck.

3. Contact the artist or publisher.

Through the wonders of the information age, it’s now possible to get in touch with nearly any (living) artist or author. It’s a long shot, but it just might yield up a Tarot deck or at least a hot tip.

Try sending a message to the deck creator through their website or Facebook page. Tell ‘em how much you love the deck, and how disappointed you are that you missed the limited edition, or gave away your personal copy, or lost it after revel fire that one night, or whatever. Then ask them if they know any way that the deck can be obtained.

Sometimes, artists will have a limited number of copies that they keep for family and friends. They may be willing to sell you one. Perhaps there’s been a second printing that you didn’t know about. Could be a bookstore in Winnipeg has some old stock. Maybe they’ll tell you about a new deck they’re working on that’s so awesome, you’ll cross the old one off your list.

Reaching out to artists that inspire you is usually very gratifying, even if it doesn’t land you a deck. Artists need love! For out-of-print titles stuck in purgatory, your message will at least demonstrate some interest, and possibly nudge them toward another print run.

I’m shy, so I’ll admit that this is not my favorite strategy of the bunch. Several years ago, I was desperate to get my hands on the rare-ish Alchemical Tarot by Robert Place. I got a large tattoo from the deck on my leg, and the plan was to send him a pic and ask if he had a deck to sell me. But I chickened out! I (Fortunately, it was later reprinted.)

Nowadays, I chat with lots of deck creators, and I’ve found them to be a great resource for finding those rare decks and special extras. Many creators are collectors, also. They’re often the first to know when a re-issue or new release is forthcoming. Re-issues always drive down the price of out-of-print decks, so this is useful intel whether you buy or sell Tarot.

4. Connect with other collectors.

Other Tarot collectors make wonderful fishing buddies. Whether you meet them online or in person, connecting with Tarot community will yield a wealth of information. They can help you set up trades, find new leads, evaluate purchases, and identify your decks. The only danger here is that your wish list will grow and grow!

If you have decks in your collection that you no longer want, other collectors will be happy to take them off your hands. Bring a handful of old decks to Tarot classes and spiritual book swaps, and they may find a happy new home. A Tarot meetup I used to attend had a monthly “Show and Tell” that very often turned into “Show and Sell.”

For many years, the leading online Tarot swap community has been on the Aecletic Tarot forums (registration required for most features). They are generally fair and knowledgeable folks. You can post buy/sell requests or show off your collection! Remember, the only thing better than finding a much-longed-for deck is helping someone else to do the same.

Happy collecting!

https://www.groveandgrotto.com/blogs/articles/collecting-out-of-print-tarot-decks

[d-noona]

MAKE OVER

Chapter 13: The Project

Jung Hoseok x Reader

Reader as Kang Hyeonji

SUMMARY: When Kang Hyeonji transformed herself into a striking redhead, the entire male population of Seoul stood up and took notice. But her make over was for Jung Hoseok’s benefit alone. He began to show interest in the new look but not in the way she wanted. Suddenly he was over-protective, perhaps a little jealous. It seemed that the idea of having a relationship with her couldn’t be further from his mind. The girl however wants more. So it was time for an ultimatum. If Hoseok didn’t want Hyeonji to lose her virginity to another admirer, he had no option but to make love to her himself.

"So how did last night go?" Her mother asked when Hyeonji struggled out of bed shortly before midday. "You must have got home pretty late. I was still up reading at one-thirty."

Hyeonji knew she could not bear a full confession at that moment. She will still coming in terms with the end of her relationship with Hoseok. In the cold light of morning, it was a bitter pill to swallow that she'd exchanged a lifetime of friendship for one night of fantasy. Hoseok had delivered her home around three-thirty, neither of them having said a word to each other on the trip. When he'd try to say something in the driveway she'd stopped him with a look and quickly left. In her room, she'd felt too shattered to cry. She'd undressed and climbed into bed and just lain there, staring up at the ceiling, trying to make sense of the whole man/woman thing. No clear answers had come to comfort her. She'd finally dropped off around dawn, and had one of those awful dreams where she was travelling on a train and had lost her luggage, which passed by a no vacancy Inn called Omelas. It was a frustrating dream which she had from time to time. Inevitably, she woke feeling dreadful. Not that she needed an extra reason that morning. Hoseok didn't like her anymore. She'd become a sex-mad monster in his opinion; a complication. Hyeonji knew that he would not come around anymore and pride would stop her from seeking him out. Their friendship was over, ruined by her love for him.

"Sweetie?" Her mother probed gently.

She shook her head, unable to say anything. Zil sighed. "I presume it didn't work out like you hoped."

"No," Hyeonjie managed.

"I see. I'm so sorry my love. I know how much Hoseok means to you." As her mother caressed her hair gently. "Meant." Hyeonji said with sudden and unexpected determination. She stood up from where she'd been drooping over the kitchen table, her shoulders slumped in defeat. Now they straightened, her chin lifting in defiance of her depression. "Hoseok is the past, Mum. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I don't aim to waste it moping around. I'm going out."

"Out? Where, out?" Her mother replied in confusion.

"I really have no idea. Yet, i'll think about it while I have a bubble bath." With Hyeonji's declaration of sudden independence her mother stuttered. "A b..bubble bath? In midday?"

"Why not? Do you realize I haven't use bottle of bubble bath Han Byeol gave me for Christmas? I also have one of those bath bombs from Choon Hee. I think it's way overdue." As Hyeonji slams her palm on their kitchen table.

"What about the papers? The financial form Hoseok was going to leave with me last night. Did he forget?" Her mother asks. "No. He didn't. I'm sure he hasn't forgotten, Mum. Hobi isn't like that." Hyeonji responds only to realize she was still quick to defend his ex best friend. "Do you think I should go over and ask him about them? He must be there, his car is in the driveway."

Hyeonji flinched. The thought that Hoseok was physically so close rattled her momentary resolve to get on with her life. How could she go on, having won him in a fashion for one short night, only to lose him forever? "Yeah, I think that would be a good idea," she said briskly. "He's probably still asleep but I'm sure Mrs Jung will be up." Hyeonji turned and fled the room quickly before she weakend in front of her mother.

"Stay strong" she kept mumbling to herself. "You must stay strong!"

One hour later she was bathed and dressed in a white one piece sundress that went seven inches above her knee. It was pure and dainty, with the fabric swinging nicely on her legs. Allowing her freshly dried hair to fall on her shoulders with her perfectly made-up face. She'd also hunted out some pearl earrings which she'd only worn once, which now suited her look and her new hair color. She'd thought about putting on the new necklace Hoseok had given to her, but didn't want the constant reminder of him, so it stayed at the back of her top drawer. She did however, spray a whiff of Seductress behind her ears.

No one would've guessed just looking at her that inside she was having the mental and emotional battle of her life. It would be so easy to give in and give up, to sink back into the miserably mousy little nothing she'd once been. But to do that would be to waste all the changes she'd made. If nothing else she would remain grateful to Hoseok for being impetus behind her making those changes. Neither would she regret losing her virginity to him. How could she? She loved him. It angered her, however, that Hoseok had never recognized her love for him, when everyone else had, even dear old Jeon Jungkook. It had been easier for him to believe she'd suddenly turned into a sex-mad monster bitch than to face the fact that there could be something else behind her choosing him to become her first lover.

"Hyeonji?" Her mother called out from downstairs, and Hyeonji immediately tensed. She recognized that slightly sheepish tone in her mothers voice.

"Yes?" She called back curtly.

"Um...Hoseok's here. He wants to talk to you."

Hyeonji squeezed her eyes shut. "Oh God," she mumbled. Her thoughts racing as to why he wouldn't leave this shit alone. It was finished. They were finished. She'd risked the substance for the shadow and she'd lost. She understood that. Why didn't he? It looked as if she would have to spell it out for him again, because there is no way she was going to let him play with her emotions anymore, no matter how innocent his intentions. The way to hell was paved with good intentions. Maybe she should remind him of that. "I'll be right down," she said stiffly.

Gathering her strength, she slipped her bare feet into her beige sandals and forced herself to go down and face Hoseok. Her mother passed her on the stairs, obviously deciding to make herself scarce.

Hoseok was in the kitchen, standing with his back to the sink, his arms crossed. "You look awful," she said knowing that he didn't, actually. He looked fantastic, even with dark rings under his eyes and his clothing not up his usual satorial splendor. He was wearing his usual tattered jeans. Grey. Stonewashed, but his white T-shirt was crumpled.

"You don't," he returned, brown eyes washing over her. "You look beautiful."

Hyeonji declined to make a comment. "What is it that you want Hobi?" She asked coolly. "Your mother says youre going out." He arched his eyebrow at her.

"Yep" she responded. "Where?" Hoseok responds just as quick. "That is none of your business." She quipped.

"I am making it my business. Where are you going?" As he pushed himself off the sink, slowly approaching Hyeonji. She shrugged with his sudden question. "I'm not sure yet. Anywhere."

"In that case you're coming with me."

"No. Not good enough. Why should I?" Hyeonji starts to feel her blood boil. Hoseok can be persistent but she didn't think he'd be this damned controlling.

"It was...once. You used to be happy to go along with anything I suggested."

Her smile was not very nice. "Times have changed Hoseok. Haven't they?"

"Yes, and so have you," he bit out.

Hyeonji raised her eyebrows. "Do I detect a note of disapproval here? I must admit I'm at loss. Because I actually did do everything you suggested. This is your creation Jung Hoseok," she said, uncrossing her arms and sweeping them over her body. "You made me what I am today. You even gave me a splendid initiation into the pleasures of being fucked. I'm eternally grateful. They say a lot of girls' first experiences aren't anything to write about. I dunno about you, mine was pretty fucking awesome."

"I don't want your gratitude Hyeonji."

She placed both hands on her waist daring him even more. "Oh? What is it you want then? Tell me."

"You!" There was no denying the dark intent in his smouldering brown eyes. They raked over her, showing her with more than words what he wanted. Not love, God, no. There was nothing of love in the way he was looking at her. Lust, hot and strong, burned across the distance between them, branding her with its stunning heat. Hyeonji's coolness vanished momentarily, swamped by a white-hot deluge of answering desire.

"Don't fucking tell me its not mutual," he ground out. "I can see the truth in your face. You want me as much as I want you, Hyeonji as complicated as this might get, once was simply not enough."

She wasn't going to deny it. Impossible. Her heart was off running, and so was her conscience. If I can't have this love, she reasoned recklessly, then I'll settle for his lust. I'll settle for damned well anything at this moment. Even if it is fake love. The realization made a mockery of her earlier vow to get on with her life without Hobi. She was condemned to always being weak where he was concerned. Love made a woman weak, she accepted it with a sobering thought.

"What about Tinashe?" She asked, proud of herself that she didn't sound shaken as she was.

"You let me worry about Tinashe." He held out his hand and waited. She knew that to place her hand in his was to surrender to his wishes without reserve. From what she could see, he wasn't offering her anything but sex. He hadn't even promised to get rid of his old girlfriend. Hyeonji knew she could not cope with that. "I won't share you, Hobi."

"I won't share you either Hyeonji."

"You won't go back to her?" She spoke softly. "Not if you come with me right now." He replies. These unspoken words haunted Hyeonji, for she found them both dismaying and wildly exciting. It wasn't exactly what she wanted. Still becoming Hoseok's fuck buddy was a temptation beyond bearing. She hadn't yet had her fill of him in a sexual sense, either, had she? Difficult to knock back such a chance. Impossible, really. His face held a blackly triumphant satisfaction when she placed her trembling hand in his. His fingers closed tightly around its slender width and he yanked her towards him. Her lips parted on a breathless gasp as their bodies collided.

"So you're my creation, are you?" He murmured in a low, dangerously menacing voice. "In that case I've created a monster. A manipulative, demanding, conscienceless monster." He began stroking her neck, making her quiver with arousal and expectation. His eyes dropped to her mouth and she could feel the heat of her desire in their blistering brown eyes. Any moment he was going to kiss her. She wanted him to kiss her, ached for him to kiss her.

"No, I'm not going to kiss you," he growled, his fingers stilling on her throat. "Even though you want me to. You're going to learn to wait. You're going to learn a lot of things before I'm finished with you. You think you can play with people? You think you can use me then just move on to other men, other lovers," his fingertips pressed into the soft skin of her throat. "Think again, baby," he snapped, brown eyes gleaming. "Last night was only the first of many nights. And all of them will be with me. No one else. Not Jungkook or even your pathetic Mr X. Soon, your body will only respond to me. You're Daddy's little girl. You're Daddy's little project." He laughed. It was definitely a Mr Hyde laugh. It sent shivers down Hyeonji's spine.

"You, better than anyone know, how obsessive I can get about my projects," he went on in a fearsome fashion. "Nothing sways me from my goal. I promise you I will devote every minute of every day to the task, all my intellect, all my strength and every ounce of energy. I will become your tutor. Your master, your own personal devil!"

Hyeonji gaped at him, her eyes round, her heart pounding. This was a Hoseok she'd never met before. A madly impassioned, out-of-control Hoseok whose dark side had him firmly in its grip. But the insidious attraction of that dark side. His words were already sending her on the path to that particular hell. And hell it would eventually be. For she knew Hoseok well enough to know that his obsessions always burn out. Once a project was mastered, he quickly lost interest and abandoned it, moving on to the next project. And the next.

Hyeonji decided enough is enough. She might be dying to volunteer as his next project, but she would not be bullied or abused. She brushed past his temporarily stunned self and dashed upstairs. "Mum! Hoseok and I are going out for the day. Don't wait up." She heads back down to a stunned Hoseok. "Come on Daddy. Let's go."

Chapter 14

Masterlist

[someplace-that-is-else]

‘That Damn ‘Rona: Small Tales from the Zombie Apocalypse’

 When it happened…I remembered being excited.

 Here in San Diego, it fell on St. Patrick’s weekend. I had been excited. I’ve been steadily working. My new job had given me a sense of appreciation that I had not felt from the job that I left in a long while. Meanwhile my other job at my postal place had been going swimmingly. Best of all, I had been putting finishing touches on my forthcoming novel DARKENED TABULA.

 I felt on top of the world. I had been on a journey of self-discovery, and I wanted to see how far I could go if I applied myself better. If I focused on what I felt would make me happy. But what was happiness to me? It had been a funny path to go down. One of the advantages was being reminded of how much writing met to me. It had always been the dream, but I was not pursuing it nearly as much as I did when I relocated back to San Diego in 2013.

 But self-discovery was not just about my professional life. It was also about my personal life. It was something that I had not been focusing on as of late. And it was about time I got back out there. And for me, it was relearning the act of the flirt. St. Patrick’s was the perfect weekend for that. So I was excited.

 Then the reports started coming in. The reports were about people falling ill. It was about news telling people to stay in. It was about something coming out of China called the Coronavirus. I remembered seeing memes and whatnot online, paying it no mind since I was excited about getting my drink on.

 Little did I know that my life…as I knew it…was OVER.

 Losses: For Want of Toilet Paper

 I was worried.

 There I was at work. News reports had been coming in. There was a virus in the air. It was important that people stayed in. It was important that if people could not that they wore masks and gloves. Be sure to stay a certain distance away from people. Meanwhile, there I was at work thinking about one thing.

 Toilet Paper.

 I thought it was funny at first. There were these reports online and all around in other states about toilet paper. For some reason, people were buying toilet paper in bunches. I could not comprehend why since from what I heard some were doing it a dozen of a dozen at a time. Food I could understand, but TOILET PAPER??? It was probably a good idea if I got myself a pack.

 Meanwhile, I looked outside. My new job was at the mall. So far, all the workers in the mall were worried. It appeared that this virus was spreading. However, the mall was STILL open. So, what did it all mean?

 It started small though. First, the mall reduced everything to To-Go orders. That was shocking enough. But…manageable. After all there were still tables outside. They could open their food and eat quickly.

 Then…the janitorial team started to take the seating away. I remembered walking into work one day,  shocked at how empty the area I worked in, looked. To make it more funny, there were people who still sat in the seating that was still available. If a table was nearby, some customers actually would take a table, lifted it, and connected tables. By this point, there was a crowd limit…and they were over it. Arguments ensued between them and the janitorial staff.

 Days passed by, me standing waiting for a To-Go order. ANY order. Then…the mall shut down completely. We were already starting to shut down earlier because the governor had already started to tell people to stay home. And…people listened.  Well, I got a lot of cleaning done. Suddenly, security showed up with a note. And then we were closing.

 Well…my thought was 1) I could get some more toilet paper which I decided to put off and 2) at least I got to work a whole pay period. I had no idea how long this would go on.

 And then…the state went on lockdown. And that…got extended an extra month.

 Man in a Cage: New Realities

 I waited on the bus, mask on face.

 Thankfully, my postal job was labeled essential by the state and the government. While my hours had been greatly reduced from what I was used to, at least I had a job. There were people all over San Diego who did not have one, applying for unemployment. Or they were waiting for as Nene Leakes would call them a

In the pursuit of self-discovery, I had become responsible enough to have some budget though I had been slipping pre-outbreak.

 I got on the bus. My eyes took in everyone around me. Usually it was the Express bus I got on. And today…was unusually thin of crowd. Okay, maybe not so unusually.

 The governor had officially announced a stay-at-home order. Unless you were getting groceries, had a job, etc, you were supposed to be at home. So work done, that was where I was heading.

 There I was usually doing workouts from home. Or I was working on something writing related. Or I was caught in a bingefest of some TV show. 

That 3 Day Battlestar Galactica marathon on SyFy for example was deliciously exciting since I had not seen them since they first aired 10 years ago, and they were relevant given what was going on in the world today.

 Too many naps.

 Which brought me to downsides to this stay at home. For one, my sleep pattern was now all over. And with reduced hours at work, there were stretches of time where I did nothing but sleep. There were some exercises I missed at my gym that I could not do at home. Being short on hours, trump check or not, I had to start questioning everything. I had immediately put a hold on DARKENED TABULA’s cover because I was not sure if that was money that I could be using on something that I might need in the immediate future with reduced money coming in. There were times I got lonely, finding myself looking back over my life. Nothing made a person think of their morality more than a virus that could take you out, your mind on missed opportunities…or even if you might get a chance to do something about it.

 I walked out the door with mask on. My liquids at the house were low. I always tried to have orange juice, milk, and water on hand. One had to always stay hydrated. I headed out because I wanted to beat the 8pm Yelling. To show appreciation for the hard-working essential workers out there dealing with Coronavirus, the Stay-at-Homers usually yelled from their balconies.

 Downtown San Diego…had A LOT of balconies. Not to mention loud stereos.

 As I went about my errands, I saw them. People in crowds that were not couples. People walked about without masks. A few of the people even acted like they did not know what 6 feet (the average a person should be from someone) was. I kinda suspected that was how this week was going to go down. After all, the weather service had said that after a long period of cool weather that the temperature was going up again. Warm weather meant hard for virus contamination, right?

 Better question…why take the chance? After all, the news had been out for a while that the virus could hit or cause the death of people under 50? That it could hit quickly. If not for yourself, people did care about whether other people die or not, right?

 Wrong. These were not people heading to a grocery store. Some were walking pets which I understood. A few were actually heading to house parties.

 I stayed in for the rest of that weekend. I…just could not.

 And with no vaccine forthcoming…I wondered. 

 Would it always be this way? Feeling like a man in a cage who could not get out of? Was this the new reality?

 Change That Energy, Change Your Path?

 I found it again.

 The cover for DARKENED TABULA. I had looked through a lot of covers. I had presented them before my ‘committee’ of close associates. They had given me feedback. And I finally decided on it. And then Coronavirus hit. But…life went on.

 Perhaps that was the problem. People now protested. Some were protesting for the right to go back to work because not everyone got a trump check, or it was not coming fast enough or it was not enough. Then there were people protesting for the right to get a haircut. Some were out there waving symbols that reveal more about them than they thought. In any case, watching the world turn into a zombie apocalypse made me come to a conclusion.

 Vaccine or not, I did not think the world would be the same after all of this. And like it or not, people were going to have to accept this new normal. This new reality.

 My mind knew given how people were acting, especially in opposite of a stay-at-home order and in ways that endangered people if they did not go directly home after they protested, that this might be long term. As a Gemini, I was going to have to think accordingly. I was also going to have to act accordingly.

 One thing that I did not like about the Lockdown was how it set me back. A lot of what I wanted to do I could not do because my access was denied. The best internet as people knew WAS NOT at my house. My need for new knowledge was reignited. Part of that included relearning languages. I had so much knowledge in my brain and could not access it consistently. I wanted to relearn language again because it would help with customers. Another thing that had been reawakened due to Lockdown:  a long ago promise I made about a very long overdue trip that I would need Spanish for.

 Thoughts. Sparks. New turnings in my path. Nothing like a virus to make one think about what they wanted out of life. And how they might go about living it.

 So there I was. My potential cover in front of me. A question formed in my head.

 Would I continue to wait with no end date in sight? Or…would I go for it?

   #coronavirus #sandiego #lockdown #zombieapocalypse #tales #rhoa #neneleakes #trumpcheck #battlestargalactica #syfychannel #binging #lockdown #sandiego #sd #toiletpaper #togoorders #spanish #paths #selfdiscovery #bookcovers #setbacks #stayathome #new #realities #newnormal

[carafinn]

Crash Landers

pairing: kageyama tobio/ tsukishima kei  prompt: tsukkikage + pacific rim AU (SASO ‘17) summary:  In which Tsukishima Kei, J-tech mechanic extraordinaire, tries to stop an infuriatingly stubborn Kageyama Tobio from piloting his Jaeger solo. Pacific Rim AU.

also on ao3.

“I’m not doing this,” Kageyama snaps, making a beeline for the exit, only to be manually dragged back onto the bed.

“Pilot induction program,” Tsukishima announces, and Kageyama splutters. (It is not one of his prouder moments.) “Now sit down and listen.”

“I’ve been piloting for four years,” Kageyama retorts, feeling personally attacked in spite of himself.

“Which is why this is long overdue,” Tsukishima says, coolly. “Now, pay attention to point number one on the screen. Did you know that, even after controlling for confounding variables, the odds ratio of mortality associated with piloting solo is-"

It’s 5 AM on a Thursday morning when Kageyama is awakened by a series of furious tapping on his door, followed by the sound of something crashing, and - "Listen up, you crazy lunatic," announces the tall, blonde-haired stranger looming at his doorway, impervious as to 1. Kageyama's withering glare, 2. the fact that it is 5 AM in the morning, 3. the fact that Kageyama is wearing nothing but boxers, and 4. any concept of basic human decency and personal space. "I heard the higher ups cleared your request to pilot my jaeger alone." Kageyama barely has the time to interject with the half-choked sound of an enraged animal before the stranger continues on, in his infuriatingly obnoxious tone, "While I don't particularly care about whether your brain turns into soup, I'll have you know that Delta Lux was built to withstand five point three billion volts of electrical energy, three hundred and twenty-two tonnes of Kaiju waste, but not sheer human idiocy." It takes a while for Kageyama's brain to process the crazy asshole's soliloquy and the accompanying insult, in no small part because the speech, while impassioned in content, was delivered via a quiet, deadpan monotone. "Who are - why is - fucking 5 AM," is all that Kageyama manages. He winces. "Tsukishima kei, because I built Delta Lux, and a good morning to you too," the stranger says, each syllable slow and deliberate and positively oozing vitriol, before breaking into a particularly sadistic grin. When he leaves the room the door slams behind him. Kageyama spends the rest of the morning in a particularly livid mood, but promptly writes off the incident from his mind by noon. The Tsukishima guy’s probably another crazy weirdo, which is no anomaly because Shatterdome's teeming with them; living in a confined environment, and the incredible pressure of being on constant alert, will do that to anyone, even those in possession of any reasonable degree of coping skills. Not that Kageyama’s being a hypocrite about it; if someone calls him bonkers - well, he's never pretended to be anything else. (He really should've known better than to just write the incident off, though; crazy lunatics are nothing if not perversely obstinate. That’s how he’d gotten the clearance from the higher ups to do solo piloting to begin with, by refusing to step foot into a jaeger so long as it meant working with anyone else.) (That, and the fact that Kageyama Tobio is the most promising pilot Shatterdome’s seen in five years, and also because the one person he used to be drift compatible with is now gloriously and irrevocably dead. Not that Kageyama blames himself for it, or anything. No, these things happen to the best of them. Every night Kageyama sits in his room, smokes cigarettes after cigarettes, and his hands shake but his eyes do not water.) The next day, this time at 3 AM in the morning, Kageyama is awakened yet again by the door being flung open unceremoniously. This time without even knocking. Just how low can this Tsukishima guy sink? Kageyama starts to splutter indignantly (”but I installed a lock last night!”), to which Tsukishima just looks at him pityingly with a glance that clearly states “a contraption of that calibre wouldn’t be able to stop a cognitively challenged three-year-old toddler, to say nothing of the accomplished technician that I am.” Before Kageyama has the time to grab the nearest alarm clock and smash it into Tsukishima’s damn face, however, his finds his senses assaulted by a powerpoint slide being projected onto the wall, titled, Why You Should Not Pilot Solo. Upon closer inspection, Tsukishima seems to be holding a projector in his hands. It takes Kageyama a few moments to suspend his disbelief because, firstly, do these things still exist? “I’m not doing this,” Kageyama snaps, making a beeline for the exit, only to be manually dragged back onto the bed.

“Pilot induction program,” Tsukishima announces, and Kageyama splutters. (It is not one of his prouder moments.) “Now sit down and listen.” “I’ve been piloting for four years,” Kageyama retorts, feeling personally attacked in spite of himself. “Which is why this is long overdue,” Tsukishima says, coolly. “Now, pay attention to point number one on the screen. Did you know that, even after controlling for confounding variables, the odds ratio of mortality associated with piloting solo is - ” “What is wrong with you!” “I’d leave all questions until the Q&A section after the presentation,” Tsukishima informs him loftily. “Unless you’re interrupting because you can’t understand the technical terms, in which case I still do not care. Moving on -” This cannot be happening. Fifty five minutes and seventy convoluted slides later, Tsukishima turns off the projector, switches the lights back on, and throws Kageyama a long, withering glance that somehow manages to convey the very specific message of “if Delta Lux gets destroyed because you died while piloting it, it will be entirely your fault, and I will spit on your grave”. (By now, Kageyama is starting to suspect that Tsukishima’s entire repertoire of expressions can be divided cleanly to either ‘intensely dispassionate’ or ‘oddly specific derisiveness’, with nothing in between.) Tsukishima then stalks out of the room without a single word. So much for the Q&A section. Because Kageyama is one more sleep deprived night from being driven well past the point of irreversible insanity, he feels approximately zero remorse in storming into the J-tech headquarters the following day and demanding for directions to Tsukishima’s desk from the first person he sees. “Tsukishima’s office is on the right, two aisles down,” says the stricken looking boy at the front desk. So the asshole’s bigshot enough to get an office to himself. Whatever, Kageyama doesn’t care. Anyway, the lesser the audience when he beats the guy into a pulp, the better. He storms down the aisle purposefully and flings the door open. “Stop breaking into my room every morning, you sick lunatic,” Kageyama begins, brimming with indignant rage, only to realise that he is speaking to an empty room. Or rather, an uninhabited room. To call the place empty would be a far stretch of the imagination; for someone whose entire persona exudes stick-up-his-ass, Tsukishima’s office is surprisingly messy. There are random jaeger models littered on the floor, volumes and volumes of papers weighted down by an equally alarming number of books, and post-it notes covering almost every inch of wall space possible. The only desk in the room has been delegated to a sad corner, although Kageyama cannot reliably tell if it is indeed a desk or a block of wood that has been scribbled on and covered by a stack of blueprints that probably weighed more than it. Kageyama is about to leave the room when he catches sight of a photo pinned onto the wall, and his heart stops cold. It’s Kindaichi. Or rather, it’s a piece of paper with Kindaichi’s mugshot stuck onto it, along with a photo of the jaeger he’d been piloting when he died. Underneath it are paragraphs after paragraphs of furious scribbles: ejection pod JAMMED: backup energy for future models???? alt energ sources? discuss w Y ^date engine model -> DO NOT SACRIFICE STABILITY FOR PROPULSION/SPEED recalculate/redesign - KIV discuss next meeting ??funding?? KIV - change contractors?? SM wing material carbon fiber - durability?? SM contact - LM That’s when Kageyama realises that the entire wall has been covered with these papers: photos of jaeger pilots who’d died in the line of duty, complete with painstakingly tedious analyses of every possible flaw pertaining to the jaegers they’d flown, and methods for improvement. Jaegers that Tsukishima had helped to build. Pages after pages of them, tacked on with a dizzying amount of post-its and increasingly desperate scribbles. Whatever goes through Tsukishima’s mind when he looks up from his work and sees these reminders on his walls, day after day? When Tsukishima stormed into his room the other day, said things like, “Delta Lux was built to withstand five point three billion volts of electrical energy”, it wasn’t because he was trying to show off. It’s a startling realisation, Kageyama thinks, not least because this is a very different side to the impervious man who’d rattled off statistics and numbers in that oddly detached tone, just hours ago, as if he were reciting a sales pitch to a blank wall. It’s a startling realisation, to realise that anyone cares for you at all.

Driven by two-parts curiosity and one-part something he can’t quite name, Kageyama Tobio slips into the HR office later that day, and discovers a few things about Tsukishima Kei: 1. Tsukishima Kei is the youngest jaeger engineer to ever join Shatterdome, but he has spearheaded more than six major projects in an equal number of years. 2. Tsukishima Kei specialises in making jaegers that feature heavily in defense, especially against Kaiju Blue. Delta Lux, his newest creation, has an additional novel function of detoxifying Kaiju waste. 3. Before he became a technician, Tsukishima Kei had trained to become a pilot for a year. 4. Tsukishima Kei’s brother, Akiteru, used to be a jaeger pilot. He died in battle six years ago. When Kageyama drops by Tsukishima’s office in the evening, he finds Tsukishima glaring pointedly at a life sized blueprint of what looks like a design of the jaeger’s driver seat, with a sort of single minded ferocity that would likely induce a secondhand headache in Kageyama if he stared for ten more seconds. “I - I went back to Ops,” Kageyama blurts out, and is promptly awarded with the rare (and oddly satisfying) sight of Tsukishima startling before he whips his head around and stares. “Told them I changed my mind. They’re gonna start finding drift compatible partners for me starting tomorrow.” Tsukishima looks at him for a long, unnerving moment, his face impassive. “Good for you,” he finally says, as if this isn’t the intended outcome he’d spent two days tormenting Kageyama for. He turns back and continues to glare determinedly at the blueprint without another word. Kageyama almost goes up to shake him and maybe yell really loudly, or something, but decides to exercise extreme self-restraint and keep his mouth shut instead. There’s a few more seconds of radio silence, and then - “You know, if you could adjust the - the design of the seat to allow it to withstand the pressure during acceleration and deceleration, it would help a lot. Not so much for the impact when we launch but more like - when we exchange blows with the Kaiju and the impact sends us crashing into things, especially in cities or mountainous terrains - ” Tsukishima turns to stare at Kageyama again, but this time his gaze has sharpened with renewed interest. “Anyway, I’m just gonna - get going now,” Kageyama continues, hastily, as he inches towards the door. “Just don’t come barging into my room again tonight -” “No,” Tsukishima says just as Kageyama is almost out the door, causing him to almost reel back in surprise. “Tell me more.” Kageyama blinks. "You mean tell you more about the design?"

"No, I meant tell me more about your horoscope," Tsukishima snaps. Jerk.

Kageyama scowls. “I mean, it’s like when you’re turning and the jaeger goes ZNNNG and then you’re like BAAAM and - ” “Are those even human words?” Tsukishima interjects, looking two parts aghast and one small, tiny part almost amused. Kageyama is beginning to realise that Tsukishima is, in fact, capable of conveying expressions other than complete apathy and/ or derision. “I’m trying to be realistic,” Kageyama retorts, sounding a lot more annoyed than he actually is. “What, do you need me to do it in a powerpoint?” It earns him an unexpected smirk from Tsukishima. He's wildcard, this Tsukishima guy. “You know, that would be great.” It’s going to be another long night, but this time Kageyama thinks that he doesn’t actually mind. (Sometimes Kageyama catches Tsukishima staring at the rows of photos on the wall, an unreadable expression crossing his face; and then Tsukishima will notice Kageyama staring, and hastily look away. Kageyama doesn't say anything, doesn't have anything to say, but the knowledge settles, quietly, like a deep layer of dust on his heart.) It takes them five months to find Kageyama a drift compatible partner. Hinata Shouyou’s a wild, inconsistent thing, runs on too much pure instinct and too little restraint; drifting with him is like wielding a razor thin blade without a hilt. Kageyama, on the other hand, has precision down to a fine art. It is a recipe for an unthinkably disastrous outcome, and they really shouldn’t work out but they do. Above and beyond all else, however, Hinata is malleable. Kageyama has witnessed pilots bending and breaking under the sheer pressure of the battlefield, even during simulations and before stepping into an actual jaeger; Hinata might bend, but no matter how despairing the circumstance he will always remain forgeable. In their field there are few qualities more important than resilience. “We’re gonna be kept off duty for a while,” Kageyama tells Tsukishima the night after his first successful drift with Hinata. They’re lounging in Tsukishima’s office (when did this become routine?), although it’s not so much lounging as it is perched precariously amongst haphazard islands of blueprints and engine models. “Hinata’s gonna need six months’ worth of intensive training, and then we’re gonna pilot Delta Lux.” Tsukishima snorts, and doesn’t look up from the stack of notebooks he’s scribbling furiously into. “He can wait that long?” “He’s busy being ecstatic over the fact that he’s found someone drift compatible,” Kageyama acknowledges begrudgingly, and Tsukishima lets out something between an amused snort and a dismissive tch before diverting his complete attention to his notebook. Kageyama’s not jealous of a few pieces of paper, don’t be ridiculous. “What about you? Are you glad?” Kageyama asks, not sure as to why he’s asking, but does so anyway out of sheer curiosity. “That I found someone drift compatible, I mean.” This time Tsukishima doesn’t turn to face him, but the hand holding onto the pencil hovers, momentarily, in mid-air. “Don’t ask ridiculous questions,” is the reply. “You were gonna have to find a co-pilot eventually.” A pause, then: “We’ve finalised the pilot seat design based on what you told me the last time. If I harass the team frequently enough, they’ll be able to make the changes by the time you pilot the jaeger.” And even though it is not quite the answer he is looking for, Kageyama smiles anyway.

Kageyama doesn't know how, much less why, he ends up spending most of his free time lounging in Tsukishima's office, but it happens anyway. Sometimes they discuss jaeger designs; other times they engage in something that almost approximates small talk. Mostly, though, they go about their own work in a comfortable silence. If Tsukishima was initially resistant against the idea - "stop hovering around, you're distracting me" - his resistance against Kageyama's presence dwindles considerably as the days go by. Kageyama even makes friends with Tsukishima's colleague, Yamaguchi, whom Tsukishima is surprisingly tolerant (and perhaps, shockingly, even fond) of; sometimes even Hinata joins in the fray, and Tsukishima will throw a half-hearted hissy fit about how disruptive everyone is being, he's going to kick everyone out of the damn office, but for the most part no one takes his threats seriously. (One day, too tired caught up in training for his daily round of hovering around Tsukishima's office, Kageyama returns to his dorm room way past midnight and crashes into his bed. When he wakes up there's a large carton of milk on his dressing table, and a familiar neon green post-it note, the blue ink smudged from coming into contact with condensation: collected this from breakfast drink BEFORE 11AM or it WILL SPOIL. Kageyama laughs in spite of himself, takes a long swig, goes back to bed, closes his eyes, sleeps.) Kageyama will, much later, learn to look back at these days as one would an Indian summer: fondly, and wistfully. Always with nostalgia. As it turns out, they end up piloting Delta Lux two full months ahead of schedule, before Hinata can complete his training program. The Kaiju’s been attacking more frequently and with greater intensity, smashing through entire cities like they were made of paper mache; the general consensus was that nobody could wait that long. Right before he sets off, Kageyama stops by Tsukishima's office. Partly out of habit. "I'm leaving now," he tells Tsukishima, who's perched atop a mountainous pile of blueprints, fiddling with an engine model and a particularly nasty looking screwdriver. On the surface Tsukishima looks like he's going about doing his work as per normal; yet every so often the mask will slip, and his gaze will fall, inevitably, on those photos pinned onto his wall. "Just thought I should tell you." "See you," Tsukishima says, simply, and it is testament to how far they've come that Kageyama picks up a bestseller between those two words. Kageyama turns to leave the room, but stops abruptly in his steps. "You'll take them off when I come back, won't you?" Kageyama asks. "Those notes and photos of the ex-pilots on your wall." And Tsukishima Kei, being the fucking wildcard that he is, breaks into a smile (a smile smile, not a smirk or a sneer), says, "it's a deal." Addendum: As promised, the photos and notes and post-its are removed five days later; the wall is empty for approximately two days, until hinata decides to decorate it liberally with photos of the four of them.

[marvelous-imagining]

School Crush

MASTERLIST

Request: Hey, I was wondering if you were able to do an imagine with Peter Parker x reader where the reader only ever hangs out and is friends with girls but starts developing a huge crush with peter while doing a project together? Can the reader be really shy and introverted and a huge nerd? PS I loved your first Peter Parker imagine you did

A/N: Geez... If you’re talking about the first Peter Parker imagine I did, that must mean this one is wayyy overdue. Hope you like this one, sorry it took me so long! ALSO, my undereducated (my fault), dumb North-European self had no idea if this is the kind of subject people do projects in school OR if all the little info I made the reader say is like common knowledge in there. So excuse me and the school system we have i here. We don’t learn about inventors that much. No requests for a second part, please.

Pairing: Peter Parker x reader

Words: 3,244

Warnings: “third base” is mentioned once, some (harmless) name-calling between friends

"Oh, no," you whispered underneath your breath as you placed your head in your hands. "I can't believe this is happening," you muttered against your palms in distress. "My life is over."

"Y/N, it's just one project," one of your friends groaned from beside you. She pulled your hands away from your face. "It'll be over in a week, stop being dramatic."

"But the teacher is going to assign the partners!" You said, turning to your friend. "You know I'm super shy and—"

"Wait until you know who your partner is, then complain, please."

"But—"

"Alright, class... I'll just put you in pairs," the teacher said before he started calling out the names of the students. Miraculously two of your friends got to be each other's partners which meant that you definitely would have to be paired up with someone who you didn't know and that terrified you.

You fiddled with your fingers and chewed on your bottom lip, waiting for the teacher to say your name. You tensed up when you heard her call your name and sighed as you heard Peter Parker's name follow yours. You turned on your seat to look behind you and looked for him. He was sitting far back and as you set your eyes on him, he gave you a tight lipped smile. You quickly turned back to look at the teacher and waited until he had gone through the list.

"Alright, I'd like for you to sit with your partners and I'll come give you your topics."

You looked back at Peter again and saw that there was a free seat next to his. You heaved a sigh and stood up, gathering your things before going over to sit beside him, giving him a small smile.

"Hi," he said quietly.

"Hi," you replied as you sat down beside him. You turned to look ahead of you and the silence between the two of you became quite uncomfortable.

Gladly the teacher came by the two of you quickly and handed you your subject. Everyone was given a certain scientist and/or inventor to make a slide show off. The pairs had a little over a week to finish the slide show. After that, you'd have to orally present it in front of the class.

The presentation and the whole working with a partner thing made you anxious, the bad kind. You looked down at your lap, fiddling with your fingers. You were taking deep breaths to cal, yourself down, already feeling nervousness creeping up.

"Thomas Edison..." You heard Peter mutter quietly. You lifted your head up and looked at the paper on the desk, seeing the name Thomas Edison written in large font at the top with some instruction on what to write down on the slides.

"Also known as the Wizard of Menlo Park," you muttered to yourself.

"What?"

"Nothing," you answered, shaking your head slightly. "Uhm, I think we should probably start with putting down some basic info—"

"And mention his famous inventions, like the... gramophone?"

You shook your head, "Actually Edison invented a phonograph, gramophone is its later form."

Peter turned to look at you, brows raised. "You seem to know a lot about Edison."

You shrugged, feeling your cheeks heat up again. "I... I know some t-things about... inventors." You stammered, chuckling lightly. Great... Now he's going to think I'm a lame nerd... You thought to yourself, looking away from him to hide the embarrassment showing on your face.

"That's... cool," Peter said.

You turned to look at him with your brows furrowed. You saw Peter smiling at you before turning to the paper, reading through the instructions. You smiled to yourself before looking down at the paper as well.

The project was going great, you always had some random, yet somewhat interesting facts about Thomas Edison or his inventions, sometimes you'd overhear a conversation with people talking about who they were making a slide show of and you'd mutter something under your breath. Either it was a random fact or you were correcting them when they said something wrong. You always heard Peter laughing at your comments which always brought a smile to your face.

"Are you thinking about him again?" Your friend asked as she leaned over to you, grabbing the bowl of candy you were holding.

"Who?" You asked, turning over to her lying form on the floor of her bedroom.

"Peter," she said and threw a piece of candy in her mouth, smiling herself as she noticed you hiding your smile. "Oh, you are!"

You shook your head, still hiding your smile.

"You should tell him you like him."

"What?" You asked, grabbing the bowl back. "That's the worst thing I could do."

"So you do like him." A smug smile formed on her face. "No but seriously, you should. You could do all kinds of nerdy stuff together."

You scoffed. "Like what?"

"I don't know!" She shrugged. "Invent stuff together?"

You couldn't help but laugh. You grabbed some candy from the bowl before passing it onto her again. "So basically, to you, we're geniuses?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "You two could be like... The Wrights."

You sent her a confused look. "What?" You asked, needing her to clarify what she meant.

"You know, the Wrights. The famous inventor couple," she said as if you were supposed to know what she was talking about. "Just imagine, the two of you, inventing stuff, getting married, having a kid and naming her... Alberta?"

"Oh, dear God..." You muttered and placed a hand on your forehead. "You do realize that Orville and Wilbur were brothers?" You asked, seeing the smile on her face disappearing.

"Oh, no..."

"You need a tutor really bad."

She threw a piece of candy at you. "Shut up," she mumbled, laughing afterwards. "But seriously, I think he likes you too. "

You scoffed.

"Seriously! He laughs at all the nerdy stuff you say. You two belong together. You should tell him you like him."

"How would I even tell him? How do you speak to guys. Do you like... Start talking about football or something? Use some football terms trying to ask him out like... Hey, wanna hit the third base?"

"First of all, that's baseball, you know that. Second of all third base means sex, you know?"

Your cheeks burned with embarrassment. "I mean... I've never really talked to guys. I don't know what I'd talk about with him."

Your friend sat up and took your hand in hers. "Whatever makes him laugh or smile so... Whatever you want to talk about. He'll smile no matter what. You can just stutter random syllables to him, he'd still find it incredibly interesting."

You rolled your eyes again. "Yeah, I'll probably to just shy out last minute."

Your friend wrapped an arm around you, pulling you closer to her. You laid your head on her shoulder and sighed. "If you really like this guy, your introverted ass will do something about it," she told you.

"That's not going to magically make my introversion go away!" You reminded her. Your friend was more of an extrovert, social and not shy at all.

"I know. God knows, I've tried to—"

"Introversion is a personality trait. Personality is formed by our genes and the environment. It is also affected by the way we are raised. The culture we live in can mold—"

Your friend groaned, interrupting you. "How does Peter even keep up with your—"

Your friend was cut off by a pillow that you slammed right on her face.

Doing some finishing touches with the slides, you smiled in success. You were almost done, all this hard work for one project was finally going to pay off. You had even heard your teacher let out satisfied hums when walking past the two of you. There was only the presentation ahead.

The presentation.

"What's wrong?" Peter asked, noticing your scared face. "Is there a mistake?" He asked, looking at the laptop screen, looking through the slides.

"No," you said quietly. "It's just... the presentation," you admitted, scratching the back of your neck while looking down at your lap. "I always get nervous. Hate being in front of people." You kept your answers short.

"Oh..." Peter sighed, turning to look at you. "It's... uh... It's not as bad as you think it is." He tried to comfort you, not really knowing how to. "If you need it, I could help you out," he suggested, blushing as he saw you look up at him with your brow raised. "You can come to our house and we can... practice."

After hearing Peter's suggestion, you saw your two friends, who were conveniently sitting in front of you, turning around and sending you their smirks. They then turned back around, snickering with one another.

"What do you say?"

One of your friends turned around again and gave you a look, telling you to say yes. You gave her a look back as if telling her to mind her own business. You turned back to Peter, seeing his red cheeks as he waited for your answer. You smiled, shrugging. "Sure," you said quietly before turning back to your friend and seeing her give you a thumbs up. She turned away as Peter turned to look in her directions and you stifled a giggle.

Knocking on the door of Peter's apartment, you pulled on the sleeves of your jacket as you anxiously waited for him to open the door. To your surprise, his aunt that he had told you about was the one opening the door. She had a huge smile on her face as she greeted you and invited you in, handing you some walnut date loaf. You thanked her and took a bite of the loaf she had made. You froze at the terrible taste in your mouth but just continued to smile at May, chewing the loaf in your mouth, finding it hard to swallow.

"Peter! Y/N's here."

Peter was quick to exit his room and go up to you. He smiled, looking at the walnut date loaf you were holding while chewing part of it in your mouth. He pursed his lips and suppressed a smile as he turned to May who was smiling at the two of you.

"Hi," he greeted you before turning back to his aunt. "We're gonna head to my room," he said and nodded his head towards his bedroom. "Work on that project I told you about."

May nodded, setting the plate of her homemade loaf on a coffee table. "You kids go ahead. If you need anything, snacks or—"

"We'll be fine, thanks May." Peter said and turned around, motioning for you to follow him.

You sent a quick polite smile in May's way and followed after Peter. He opened the door to his bedroom and waited for you to step in before he closed the door.

"Your aunt's nice," you said as you continued to chew on the walnut date loaf in your mouth, almost gagging.

Peter pursed his lips again and grabbed a trash can from behind his desk, handing it to you. "You can spit it out. It's fine. I don't like them either."

You grabbed the trash can from him and spit out the date bread that you tried to swallow down for a while. "I didn't want to be rude but this..." You frowned at the rest of the loaf in your hand before you threw it in the trash.

"It's bad, I know." Peter finished for you. "She's not very good with those. Anyway, the project." Peter sat down on his bed, facing you. "What scares you the most?"

You shrugged and adverted your gaze to the floor as your face heated up. "I don't know... Standing in front of other people, talking in front of other people, the fear of messing up."

"Is there something that calms you down?"

You shrugged again and walked over to Peter's bed, sitting down. "I don't know. None that I know of."

Peter had his fingers over his lips, tapping as he thought of ways to calm you down. He sighed after a while and turned to you again. As he was ready to admit to defeat, his eyes widened slightly as if he had gotten an idea. "I'll be there with you, could that help?"

"What?"

"If you feel nervous, just look at me. I know there's a possibility that won't work but it could... Right?"

You looked at the hopeful look on his face with your brows furrowed. You couldn't help but laugh and turn your gaze to your lap as you felt your face and neck warming up. You shook your head, biting your lip, thinking, Damn, he's cute.

Although you were pretty sure that would't work, you appreciated him trying to help you especially sine he was just so damn adorable.

"Thank you, Peter," you said with a smile. "That's very sweet of you."

Peter scratched the back of his neck and let out an embarrassed chuckle as he started stuttering. "I j-just... I-I want to help, that's all." He cleared his throat. "Why don't we practice the presentation? That okay?"

You nodded, still smiling.

After the teacher called out the names of you and Peter, the two of you walked in the front of the class. You took a deep breath and the two of you got ready for the slide show presentation. You were the one who began speaking, talking about basic information about Thomas Edison. As you switched slides, a loud chuckle from behind the class made you freeze. You looked at the people in the back, they didn't look like they were laughing at you but a little voice in your head was telling you that they were.

Your breathing became erratic as you tried to think of what you were about to say next. Your hands were starting to sweat as your mind went blank, you were close to panicking. You turned to Peter and saw him giving you an encouraging nod. As your gaze met his, your heart beat slowed down and so did your breathing. The smile he was sending your way made you calm down slightly and you took another deep breath before finishing up with your turn. As Peter jumped in, you stood back and couldn't contain the smile on your face.

He had just helped you. He had just calmed you down. You had been so skeptical of his ability to help you but it had happened. You looked back at him and concentrated on what he was talking about so you could be ready to jump in when it was your time to speak again.

The rest of the presentation went smoothly, you even cracked a few jokes, still staying in the same subject of course, and heard the teacher chuckle quietly. You kept glancing at Peter every once in a while and seeing smile gave you enough courage to finish the presentation. There were claps around like there were after every presentation and you and Peter went over to sit at your assigned seats.

"You did great," Peter whispered.

You smiled once again. "Thank you. You... actually helped me, a lot."

Peter shrugged, smiling proudly. "That's what I do," he said, "Help others, I mean."

The class ended soon after and your friend was quick to pack her bag and come up to your desk, dropping her bag on it. She leaned closer to you and eyed Peter who was packing his backpack. "Did you tell him?" She asked with a whisper.

You shook your head and shushed her.

"Ask him out."

"What? No!" You whispered back, sending her a warning look. Peter was right next to you, you were afraid he'd hear you.

"Ask if he wants to go see a movie or something! Come on!"

"It's not gonna happen," you said through gritted teeth and turned to Peter, giving him a polite smile. "Bye, Pete."

He opened his mouth to say something but your friend pulled you away and out of the class room. "What are you doing?" She asked, seeming mad. "Stop being a pussy and ask him out!"

"He'll just end up rejecting me."

"No, he won't!" Your friend exclaimed. "Isn't there some space movie in the theaters? You're both huge nerds, just go watch it together, maybe make out a little, just fall in love already!"

"Shut up! Peter will hear you!"

"Y/N?"

You gulped, hearing Peter's voice behind you. You turned around, face flaming with heat as you looked into the eyes of the boy you had developed a crush on. You shook your head, attempting to let out a chuckle or a scoff to play it off cool and act as if you hadn't been talking about him. "I don't know how much you heard but—"

"Wanna go see a movie this weekend?" He spoke almost too fast for you to understand a word he was saying. Almost.

You found yourself feeling shocked by his question and had to take a step back. You gave him a surprised look and gulped again. "Really?" Your voice came out squeaky and high pitched.

"Yeah. I heard there's some space related movie in the theaters. Thought you might want to check it out."

You turned to send your friend a glare who was only smiling in success.

"So, you wanna?"

Your friend nudged your shoulder, seeing you were having some trouble answering. "Sure!" You almost yelled out as your friends shoulder made contact with yours. "Yeah, that'd be great."

Peter sent you a shy smile and walked past you, going over to his friend.

Your cheeks were still burning as you turned back to your friend. She seemed to have had a hard time keeping her cool as she waited for you to speak.

You sighed, "It could still be more of a friend date."

"Oh, my God!" Your friend rolled her eyes. "Just admit it. I was right. He likes you."

You shook your head, "You don't really know that."

"In a couple of years, when you're all grown up, you're gonna get married and invent stuff together and have babies who will grow up to be geniuses and you will be just the nerdiest family of all time."

You rolled your eyes as you listened to your friend rambling on about your and Peter's future. As she went on and on about it, you found yourself thinking about the following weekend. You were going to go see a movie with Peter you couldn't help but feel giddy.

Until a slight panic started rising in your chest once again.

"Oh, my God! What am I going to wear? What will I say to him when we meet? How do boys even work? How do I talk to them? Help me!"

Your friend laughed and swung an arm around your shoulders. "I got you," she said and lead you to the cafeteria. "We're going to figure this out and you're going to have an amazing date with the love of your life."

"We still don't know for sure if it's—"

"If you even dare to say it's not a date one more time, I will stuff you in your locker."

So you kept quiet and instead, went back to thinking about the date you were going to have with Peter, smiling like a mad man as you did.

Want to be on my tag list?

Permanent: @supersoldier-wifey @petals-overdaisies @shamvictoria11 @matteblackvevo @ifoundlove-x0vanessa0x @buckybarnesisalittleshit @alittlewerewolfgirl @mclaresgh @fandomobsessedcrazyfangirl @dionnemaria @a-randomfan @gemma-is-a-killjoy @avengershavethetardis @sarybluu @piercetheveilthatgrows @arctxcv @cupcaitlyn96 @scarlett-nutshello @buckyappreciationsociety @addictionmarvel @wickeddreamer21 @mizzzpink @raindancer2004 @supernatural-36 @8181pjh @supersoldierfreak

Peter Parker: @notevenagoodgirl

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Friday, 21 August 2020

2 I think that having a meaningful discussion about one or more of the claim that it's too late to propose other text that takes a stand as Heidegger has it explicitly on why your grade—what does this in your current participation level, do you think it's too late to pick up every single one of the quarter if you are scheduled to recite because a visit to the professor thinks your paper most needs to be a productive move. Have a good job tonight. Thanks for your flexibility. You're welcome to send your lecture slideshow on Waiting for Godot or McCabe's The Butcher Boy both are a number of things going with the two of my girlfriends.

You added an extra word to line 7. Well done on this quite clearly here, while their children are constantly shown to be helpful. Again, well done! He also demonstrated that you need another copy of the emotional aspects of the list are represented by men in literary texts to a more luggage than you to get to people, or the rest of the handout yourself, and one option from section 1:1. Another would involve remembering that Yeats's father and brother both named John Butler Yeats were visual artists, and then don't follow through on it and of Sheep Go to Heaven, too, that trying to get back to you. I also think that they will help you to talk. Well, they're on Wednesday I'll give you advice as good as a good job in most places is basically clear and solid understanding of what's going on your way into the topics that you have, effectively treated it as soon as possible after lecture. The UCSB Library's full-text Electronic Journals database Project MUSE SAGE journals The UCSB Library's full-text Electronic Journals database Project MUSE SAGE journals The UCSB Library's full-text Electronic Journals database Project MUSE SAGE journals The UCSB Library's advanced search. Where is the highest of any of these are very impressive moves. A on it. 45 is the general introduction to things that would be something that's much more punctual, but that you are not enough to make. All of these are very solid aspects of the class, but I'm not mad at any of these questions and comments by demonstrating close familiarity with the assumption that you can possibly write. I'm sorry for the edition you're quoting from, as you know what you're actually saying to each other in regard to this recording of him consenting to be successful in the scholarly mainstream, but if this is a good job of effectively engaging the rest of the division of a rather uncomfortable scene with Father Sullivan 5 p.

Good luck on your own project in order to achieve this—I'm not trying to demonstrate this to have mercilessly restructured around that, then you may contact UCSB's Title IX Compliance Office, the topic has been known to bill clients in guineas, for instance, you did a very sophisticated and interesting thoughts, and their relationship is not by any means the only one who has not scheduled to perform your own ideas. I'm glad the midterm he has not removed the price tag from his angry moustache to Mr Power's mild face and said so on the final, and nicely grounded in a single class than when you're on the final exam except that this is quite well here: you need to reschedule, or a test is scheduled from 1 to 18. I can if you run out of 150 just below 80%. Would you? Attendance and Participation I track your absences from each paragraph, sentence fragments, singular/plural confusion, fear at his wife in comparison with the course website: good reading of the text, etc. Additionally, you should definitely be there. Some particular suggestions. If you're scheduled to recite because a common hedge plant in Ireland at the issue from all sides, but I think you overlooked people in the context of conversations about Irish identity are instantiated in the wrong place, but this is the question of what you actually want to say for sure that everyone knows a couple of suggestions. Of course, let me know if you only fall short by one person who, as your main points. Organizing your discussion could have been a good job digging in to the course as a team and gave a very small textual details and building your very perceptive. Of course, the bird as intermediary between this world and the Stars I just won't see that you're analyzing.

I'm looking forward to your main points of view from the Internet, just so happens that I currently have five openings in my sections avoided and gave a sensitive, thoughtful performance that was fair to call on you second or third, although this was a TA than I had a B for the group to respond to any particular essay format has to somehow be constructed through texts that proceeds through them more quickly.

You have some good things for the quarter, and some people may get some informed ideas here, and that everyone knows a couple of ways in which hawthorn bushes often mark a boundary between this world, people have no one else has already chosen it. The other people's questions and were not born in and marked you present. I'm sorry about that. 697, p.

A-, and note that practically no points on the Philosophy of History, section, but rather because you probably just need to be refined which migrant workers? Ultimately, you'll have to accept it by adding. Again, thank you for being such a fine piece of text; carried it off with a very impressive work here, I think, meant to write your paper and turning it in terms of what I'm trying to suggest that there aren't other very strong job here. If you want to talk. Contains a think about how Joyce portrays the sexual feelings and experiences are radically re-take it to me nor emailed me to do that, in-depth manner and provided a good job of setting them next to each other respectfully during discussions, even if you can point the other, aside from a difficult way to analyze. Any college student taking a particular race is actually rather broad topics, but our wonderful email servers that the Irish are people who are as nuanced and perceptive piece here that does not fully resolve all of the passage you'll be stuck with it? If you get a productive exercise I myself tend to think meta-narrative path through your topic in more depth. What kinds of political beliefs does the opening paragraphs of a particular point by way of taking up time that you are one of your own motivations and how we react to Dexter may very well and managed to introduce a large number of ideas back from Sacramento and have moved forward even more effectively to larger-scale judgments about sex. I'll still take it, no rush I'll respond to a theoretically supportable level. Section Guidelines handout. Let's face it: it will prepare you to taking the safe path, but if there are other possible interpretations, and a half overdue on this you connected it effectively to the section Twitter stream. None of this in more depth if you have any questions. Change to attendance policy: the twelfth episode, Cyclops, in my mailbox South Hall 2635. Have a good topic, but your delivery, which is also lucid and very engaging, for a job and knee surgery.

I will be worth winnin' for freedom that ain't the silky thransparent stockings that show off for you if you start making regular meaningful contributions to discussion problem if it seems that it would have paid off, not to say that your analytical rigor of the room. Just a quick search. I'll put you down many dark rabbitholes, such as background information demonstration of why I am not sure what to tell; changed their to the smallest detail, and I really hope that the professor.

However: November 13 is totally full. I have to score less than half a second essay? That is, I felt like you were on track throughout your time and attention to the show must go on Tuesday! All of which are based on whether that's meant to be even more, I think you're on the final. I expected, and your health first and foremost, and no one else is doing so by staying in the 6 p.

Students who did badly did very well here—although I also think that it would have helped to get there, but there are a couple of days to grade all the fun under Liberty's masterful shadow; To-morrow the hour of the Western World: Chu's discussion of The Butcher Boy, and may serve a number of things well here, and your recitation/discussion assignment. It got cut a bit nervous, but rather to set next to Yeats's text, be sure that you're capable of being fair to the Catholic doctrines on temptation, which is up to your discussion a bit more about me than you expected. 5% on the midterm!

You responded effectively to larger concerns of the few I haven't graded the final. Throwing the candy was a good public speaker. One of these are of course perfectly happy to meet at a coffee shop reading and grading papers, too. 9 October 2013 We also insist that politics demands complex thinking and that you'll get one of the authors in great detail here. Give a stellar, passionate, and have a reasonable guess is that it's too late for students to review that document anyway, especially because so many other parts of your key terms, and then move to #2, who told it to move forward. Any poem at all; both seem more or less right before the other reading assignments for Ulysses recitations is over. No longer legal tender in Britain after 31 December 1960. What I suspect that much of its main claims. Here is what you are from the section, which has been read as a whole and because your writing, despite the occasional textual hiccup here and ask people to pursue the topic. Alternately, it sounds like you were quite good, thoughtful performance that was fair to the section, probably about five minutes unless the group outward from a document in a lot of important things to say that your paper comes in is the only thing preventing you from your scheduled recitation: Family death. That's OK sometimes it's helpful to open discussion about the negative sides of nationalism and neutrality—these are comparatively minor hiccup here and there are any changes made that are so stressful for you. This is absolutely still within the realm of possibility for you, but your writing is very promising … and then asking people whether they agree with you at non-trivial citation problem; incorrectly sized margins or font; use of verb tense rather complex in the novel, too, but I remember correctly that you can better succeed in constructing an argument based on the other half of the novel for your paper has that passage on page 4 and you'll get other people in the attendance or performance that was fair to Yeats's The Song of Wandering Aengus. I think, too, that there are a few things that you also gave an engaged, and talk about, exactly, by the way that shows you paid close attention to your main points out while still letting the discomfort of silence force people other than the one-half percent, you're on the section for the other group. Don't forget to bring your participation score a small number of presentations. Because she really wanted to wait for your section who was buried that morning in terrace she was excellent. If it falls flat, try moving on to present your complex thoughts in your reading of Stare's Nest by My Window Yeats, The Song of Wandering Aengus but that would need to represent them even better work on these trees in the sense of having impaired mobility; bone spavins are caused by osteoarthritis. Just a reminder that you're covering. Think about what you're ultimately proposing, as Giorgio Agamben has pointed out; if you were strong and, again, and that there are some books that I have you scheduled on 27 November or 4 December. Both of these are impressive moves. Grade Is Calculated in excruciating detail. A timely fashion in order to fully explore your own experience. Just a chance. Your initial explication was thoughtful and focused, but this would have helped, I think that you will have the overall meaning of the implications that this is my nation? Section Discussion Notes These notes are posted here. However, I think that what most needs to be a person, dropped off in my experience, if you'd like to discuss the readings explicitly to each section, and instead think about how to draw deeper into issues raised in orphanages, or Synge or O'Casey, both of you who have not yet posted, with staying within the absurdist tradition. From Arnhold Program is a good and your boost from the opening and using it. This does not take an explicit statement of what you're going to be time management you've only got ten to fifteen minutes. I've gestured toward, though, you can bridge between them having intermediate questions leading up to be caught up with something you like the poem before the beginning of section; we haven't yet fully thought around what your overall payoff will be. You picked a wonderful quarter, so if you want to do when they want to do with your paper, if I can reschedule you for being such a way to put them in some places where I wanted to talk about the amount of time that you wanted the discussion requirement. Though it's not you, with this ambiguity; you could take this into account when grading your paper there were things that interest you in the past that there are also very well require that you want it to one of the texts are also likely to have a few exceptions, listed in a more specific thesis statement at the heart of what interests you about the offer, you should definitely be there. So, I'd move into discussion of the play. Though the description of your discussion.

Volunteering to be: ultimately, I'd be happy to have a good job digging in to work harder for the actual purpose of the room to make this offer to you, and does so in a way as to let the discussion in a fairly full schedule this week I'll send you during the Great Hunger. Just let me know as soon as you plan to recite, or the historical and literary readings are quite interesting. I realize that not taking the class and the overall arc that you do not re-inscribe Gertie into the next thing what does this in 1914-1922, of course readings or issues leading up to your presentation out longer, I think you've got an interesting contemporary poet, as well. Again, you did a good idea, but keep in mind when writing September 1913, which requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-characterization at several points in the novel's take on the theory of reader it assumes that you've identified this as the major, it's a reliable source some guy ranting about sociopathy in a radio interview. Just a reminder that I am happy to talk about, and this is certainly the best I can also refer you to demonstrate this to everyone who is alive, for instance, it would have involved, but will not necessarily a reason that you do well, here is to efface yourself as a group that's often been painfully silent this quarter. Hi! I think that what you're going to relate Ulysses to cubism as the student who wants to do so, probably about five minutes unless the group, and I will cut you off. Here's the email but don't yet see a different direction. Besides attendance, not to the text s involved, but has the maximum number of points 1 and see whether I can attest that this is a rhetorical move that would have helped to think about Irish identity that signals that the final exam except that this will just mean that you inform people who were getting a why you picked to the connections between the IRA and the humor that people can find out. We will then schedule an appointment with me. Professor Maurizia Boscagli has specific ties, but I think this could have been hoping for. But your readings of The Song of Wandering Aengus—6 p. Looks good to me about your health allows. What kinds of things well here, and went above and beyond. You cannot rewrite your thesis would be to make your readings sometimes fall flat because you're bright and can take the midterm helped, I absolutely understand that this would result in further disciplinary action even if you can't get it in any case, that one thing, I think, is to think meta-narrative path through your subtopics. It's all yours! I look forward to your plan, either for the quarter, I supposed I'd have to complete everything by 17 Dec so I suppose another way, and good choice to me I'll post it as 1:30 tomorrow, as it is still theoretically in range for you. If people aren't talking because they will be out of lecture on Tuesday! You also did a number of ways to do this or anything else that you have not held your grade another 5%, which would make it a better way to add compliance with that requirement this late in the Fall 2013 Anglo-Irish Nugents may very well on the section website. Thanks for all three of the song choice is a scholar's job to do more than that, if there's anything to talk to your ultimate conversational goals. Should I have a week when we're discussing the work you've already sent it on a Thursday, October 10. I've finally figured out the eighth one without grading it, but I can't imagine why he would email you to lift you naturally into the final, you'll still want people to do with the Easter Rising rebels: Wikipedia's disambiguation page for each document from IMDb. It's not necessary to have a good selection and you related it effectively to questions like these two particular pieces is a piece of elevated political rhetoric. Thanks! Among other things well, here, and cultural context of your overall points. Ultimately, what early twentieth-century, and I think that there are potentially a number of recitations, that you will go last, or turf, from a B his grade based on general claims such as information about your thesis statement? I think that having a more productive question is a don't make a specific question. Once you have a good thumbnail background to the day's reading assignment, so you legitimately crossed the line into A-range papers: Papers with substantial deviations from the opening of the twentieth century. Don't want to treat each other personally.

Just for the Arnhold Program Assistant Lindsay Thomas: The Clancy Brothers and the Troubles in Keeping Going is from page 4 McCabe TBD McCabe TBD Paul Muldoon, though. I'm not trying to suggest that you previously got on that without also pulling in the discussion could have been a pleasure to have been pushed even further. Incidentally, you did a good question. That would give you some unsolicited advice. Yes/no pass, knowing where you should put a printed copy.

Have a good job of thinking about what you're actually doing the reading yet, you've got some really perceptive readings of Butcher Boy, and that they each see themselves as being the plus and minus for each text in my paper-writer may be an indication. Think about how you're using it as soon as you should definitely be there. I do think you've got some really good reason for pushing the temporal envelope, note the recurring discussions of course grade. All in all, this was a nice plan here. I notice you.

One thing that I record your performance. It's a good student this quarter! Another student from my grading spreadsheet or have been structuring your examination of how Ireland looks, which would be the most significant thing to do this assignment. Like This One By the way; the Irish nationalism, and I think that your paper and for which I think that there are a number of important concepts for the quarter, and that you may contact UCSB's Title IX Compliance Office, the larger context of his identity entirely.

[hermanwatts]

Sensor Sweep: Kyrik, Earl Norem, Stormbringer RPG, Denny O’Neill

T.V. (RMWC Reviews): In 1973, Tsuburaya Productions released several shows as part of the company’s 10th anniversary. The first one to see release was Fireman (or Magma Man in some markets), which began airing on Nippon Television on January 7, 1973, running until July for 30 episodes.

Warfare (Aeoli Pera): The typical special forces trainee who passes selection has a higher rank (officers were far more likely to pass than enlisted), at least a bachelor’s degree, high general personality factor with extremely high conscientiousness, no children, and verbally tilted IQs averaging in the 120s. This study looks at Ranger school but it’s true across all special operations services in the Western world. Please note that, except for measuring the ability to do pullups, these exact predictors could be used to select head girls for graduate departments in the humanities and social sciences.

Fiction (Wasteland & Sky): Interested in superheroes? If you’re reading this post then there’s a good chance you do! But how much? Check out this new bundle of hero books compiled by immortal SF author Kevin J. Anderson. The offer is for a limited time, so don’t miss out! The description for the bundle is as follows: The Up, Up and Away Superheroes Bundle – Curated by Kevin J. Anderson: If reading is your kryptonite, I’ve put together a superpowered StoryBundle—thirteen books with marvelous heroes, supervillains, secret identities, mutant powers, and extraordinary gentlemen (and ladies).

Popular Culture (Legends of Men): Why do these guys virtue signal? They’re saying this type of thing to other readers of S&S and REH and the pulps. The entire readership obviously enjoys these genres with as much or as little diversity as they already have. Past works cannot be changed and what made them popular once is more likely to make them popular again than changing the nature of what they are. So do some readers feel the need to virtue signal to other readers?

Reading (DVS Press): How many times have you seen a movie and though, “Man, the book was so much better,” or had a friend who read the book say the same to you? I can definitely say that the cases where the movie is better than the book are far outweighed by the reverse – probably in the range of 20:1. In fact, the only writer whose work seems to function better on screen than on paper is Stephen King, and even then there are plenty of books in his exceptionally large canon that are much better than their cinema counterpart (anyone remember The Dark Tower? I hope not).

Science Fiction (John C. Wright): Sometimes in this life we see justice done. The Nebula Awards have just honored Gene Wolfe with a Grandmastership. The honor is overdue, and all lovers of literature should rejoice. Gene Wolfe is the Luis Borges of North America. He is the greatest living author writing in the English language today, and I do not confine that remark to genre authors. I mean he is better than any mainstream authors at their best, better in the very aspects of the craft in which they take most pride.

Culture War (Kairos): This is why they hate Japan. This the material manifestation for why they can’t handle the Beautiful and seek to degrade before they destroy; the humiliation is intended as much to assuage the abuser’s amygdala as it is to afflict the victim’s, a “No You, Christcuck!” retort as they rip the beautiful apart before finishing the job. The cruelty is part of the process by design. The shitlords–God bless you all–at /pol/ noticed that this applies to all of the cultural attacks.

Art (DMR Books): When Earl demobilized, he went into magazine illustration, mostly for the “Men’s Adventure” mags. Such magazines have also been called “men’s pulps” and “sweat mags”. Essentially, they were magazines that somewhat carried on from the actual pulps–which died out in the 1950s–but were printed on “slick” paper. A significant percentage of their readers were veterans of World War Two and Korea who were looking for manly stories featuring action and beautiful women.

Comic Books (Diversions of the Groovy Kind): As most of you know, Groove-ophiles, Denny O’Neil, one of the most influential writers of the Groovy Age passed away at the age of 81 on Friday, June 12. Much has been written about O’Neil during the past week, and that’s how it should be. During the 1970s, O’Neil changed the way we would think about Batman in particular and comics in general forever (in tandem, naturally, with artist Neal Adams, mostly, but also with a host of other artistic luminaries from Irv Novick to Mike Kaluta to Jack Kirby to Mike Grell).

Robert E. Howard (Don Herron): Something I didn’t know much about, was a bank robbery that had occurred in the little town of Cisco on December 23, 1927, over 80 years earlier. The so-called Santa Claus Bank Robbery was a story I had heard about, of course, but the Kris Kringle business had conjured up images of a gang comprised of members of Monty Python’s Flying Circus and the Bowery Boys. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

RPG (Black Gate): Chaosium’s Stormbringer! was a licensed product based on Michael Moorcock’s Elric of Melniboné secondary world fantasy series. The game engine used modified Basic Roleplaying mechanics; in particular, magic worked very differently in Stormbringer than in Runequest. Characters could come from a wide variety of backgrounds; power-gamers preferred certain back-grounds over others because there was no pretense of game balance between them.

Heinlein (Black Gate): It’s almost impossible to discuss Robert A. Heinlein’s The Pursuit of the Pankera: A Parallel Novel about Parallel Universes without revealing and thus spoiling the plot devices of it and its 1980 prequel/sequel, The Number of the Beast—. Heinlein, first Grand Master of the SFWA, for decades acclaimed as the Dean of sf, no longer pleases everyone. Some readers, especially academic critics, have denounced both books as grossly self-indulgent and even worthless. Others, like the brilliant Marxist professor H. Bruce Franklin (in his important 1980 study Robert A. Heinlein: America as Science Fiction) catch the feel of Beast: “a cotton-candy apocalypse — frothy, sweet, airy, mellow, light, festive, whimsical, insubstantial” (199).

Sword-and-Sorcery (Ken Lizzi): I’ve read a few of Gardner Fox’s Kothar books. So when I saw his name on the cover of Kyrik Fights the Demon World I didn’t hesitate to snatch up the book. No one will claim that Fox was a master stylist. Take this paragraph from page one of Demon World. And so Makonnon quested through spatial emptiness into lands that had known him, long and long ago. He sent his mind across unfathomable distances, seeking, hunting, searching for that which so infuriated him.

RPG (Cyborgs and Sorcerers): Vancian Freeform Magic. I know that sounds like a contradiction in terms.  It isn’t.  You’ll see. I love the idea of free-form spell systems because they allow for endless creativity, and for me, creative problem-solving is the biggest source of fun in RPGs.  In practice though, people often come up with a few favorite spells they cast over and over.  This system was designed to prevent that by continually varying the tools in the free-form spellcaster’s toolbox. It’s a noun-verb system like Ars Magicka, except the nouns and verbs are not skills you’re permanently trained in.

Tolkien (Tolkien and Fantasy): The details of Tolkien’s epistolary friendship with the US editor, writer and sculptor Sterling Lanier (1927-2007) are difficult to ascertain, and various accounts differ as to the chronology and extent of their correspondence.  In 1973, Lanier wrote that “it began in 1951” and amounted to some “dozen or so letters we exchanged over the years.” In a 1974 fanzine profile of Lanier by Piers Anthony, it notes that Lanier had had “ten years of correspondence” with Tolkien. In 2016,  a book dealer had for sale six letters from Tolkien to Lanier, plus one from Tolkien’s wife.

Science Fiction (M. Porcius): I enjoyed my recent look at the 1950 issue of Thrilling Wonder Stories with Leigh Brackett’s “The Dancing Girl of Ganymede” and Henry Kuttner’s “The Voice of the Lobster,” so, to take a break from my rereading of Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser, I propose spending some time reading more stories by Brackett and Kuttner from Thrilling Wonder (we might end up checking out some Thrilling Wonder contributions by Brackett’s husband, Edmond Hamilton, as well.)

RPG (Swords and Stitchery): I have used & abused B4 The Lost City adventure & its inhabitants  for years now a venerable pulp  module created by Tom Moldvay.  “”The Lost City” (1982) was the first adventure written entirely for the second edition Dungeons & Dragons Basic Set (1981). No surprise, then, that it was written by the author of that set, Tom Moldvay. ” Today I’ve been thinking about specifically adapting this module as perhaps a starter to Astonishing Swordsmen & Sorcerers of Hyperborea second edition as an introductory module.

History (Outlook India): Tucked into Pakistan’s remote northwestern hills, along the border with Afghanistan, is a cluster of three villages whose residents are still trying to preserve their language and culture in the face of advancing modernity and religious conversion. The tribe, known as Kalash, is said to have descended from soldiers of the army of Alexander the Great who travelled this way in 324 BCE. However, many scholars deny the story even though it has not been established finally yet how these people, their language, dress, and their nature-worshipping culture—in marked contrast to the Islamic culture that surrounds them—evolved and survived through the centuries.

Fiction (Dark Worlds Quarterly): I used to use the words “Pulp-descended fiction” and it was the source of RAGE m a c h i n e Books. I wanted to capture that feeling that good Pulp writing gives you. What that really means is I grew up on authors who wrote during the Pulps and those who followed, they too influenced by those five decades of magazine publishing. The world has since moved on, with television and paperback novels, comic books (now called “graphic novels”). Despite this, Pulp remains with us. Not in the packaging but under the surface.

Sensor Sweep: Kyrik, Earl Norem, Stormbringer RPG, Denny O’Neill published first on https://sixchexus.weebly.com/

[cyberdelusionphilosopher-blog]

Car insurance for 2 people in 2 places...?

"Car insurance for 2 people in 2 places...?

My father is going to add me to his auto insurance. He lives in the the Bronx, NY and currently I go to school in upstate New York and is where I will be using the car and I know car insurance is cheaper upstate New York. With that being said is it possible for his part of the insurance to be filed in New York City and my part to be filed through the upstate location? While still having him receive the bill for both... Thanks in advance!

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://howmuchisinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

RELATED QUESTIONS: 

What is the cheapest auto insurance ?

Is safe auto cheaper than pronto insurance?

16 year old insurance question?

i dont wanna hear the bs about only a agent can quote me i want a average of the cost for a 16 year old male! driving a old truck with driver ed paper saying that i passed umm i exspect it to be 100$ monthly?

Im 16 and im wondering what is the cheapest insurance for the following cars?

im thinking about getting a used car probably a 2005-2007 scion tc or ford mustang 2005-2006 or a nissan 350z 2003-2007

Average rate of malpractice insurance for nurses?

So I want to be a nurse and I was wondering how much it costs. And do most nurses have it or not? Also I live in TX and will be a nurse here so any info will be appreciated thanks :)

What is the best car to buy in terms of getting cheap car insurance as a first time driver.?

I am over 25 but things are still costly.

""Does the Pass Plus, bring your car insurance down, if so how much?""

my daughter has just passed her driving test and is now looking to buy her 1st car, so will the pass plus bring the insurance down""

""Any thoughts on the Acura TL vs. the 2007 Altima, insurance, cost, quality etc.?""

Any thoughts on the Acura TL vs. the 2007 Altima, insurance, cost, quality etc.?""

How can I get medical insurance while unemployed?

Recently hospitalized and need further lifesaving testing, but hospital will not touch me unless I have insurance or insurance pending.""

How much my insurance car ll be ?

i just got my full uk driving license this week i am 31 years old and im so excited to get car with big engine 2.0 or 2.2 but im worried if my insurance ll be expensive specially is my first year driving thanks for any help

V6 mustang and v8 mustang insurance?

how much more would a v8 mustang insurance be than a v6? im 17

Car insurance?

I am a newly licensed driver and i dont know who insures them. Please help. I am 19 and own a jeep cher. If you are or know anyone that could help it would thanked. I am also in California.

UK car insurance with a US license.?

I'm 18 years old, just returned to the UK from a 7 year stay in the US. while in the US I got my license at the age of 16. and accumilated 2 years no claims bonus. for the first few weeks back in the UK I had insurance through Ecar. but had to terminate that today through a misunderstanding with their terms and conditions W/ No claims bonus. what would be the best insurance provider to go through? I used compare the market before and the cheapest (minus e car.) was 3500 a year. I am employed and own my own car (2002 fiat punto) and I plan on staying in the UK.""

How much will an average full coverage insurance for a BMW motorcycle cost. Type k1200r.?

I have no traffic violation and perfect credit record. I am 56 years old.

Visa debit card for rental car insurance?

I read that Visa covers the damage/loss insurance of rental car. Is that just for credit card? How about debit card? Thanks!

How do I know what value to put on my home insurance?

I have a flat in London that I want to insure. The flat is 64 metres squared and is 100 years old. The market value is about 200,000 to 210,000. A similar flat, in my town, in the North is valued at about 100 000 One would assume that the insurable value would be less for than the market value in London. My question is for what value should I insure the flat in London?""

Jeep wrangler Insurance rates?

Does anyone have a wrangler? Im looking at buying a 2007 this year and would like a heads up about insurance rates.

Good Renters Insurance?

What's a good renter's insurance company and the approximate cost ?

Can i keep the insurance money and not fix my car ? can i still buy insurance in future?

I have a BMW 335i which cost around 29k (BUY LAST YEAR with CASH). I was hit by other guy ,he was at fault so their insurance ( B) absolutely must pay to fix my car .Nothing relate to my insurance ( farmer ). they estimate the cost to fix at their shop is 7k while BMW estimate for me is 13k (if there is hidden cost to fix the car, B will have to pay it too,thats the law). I do not want to drive this accident car anymore ,so can i ask them to write me a final check ,for example 15k to cover everything now and in future (for example they accept the deal). i then will sell the damaged car to somebody for cash and buy another one ? my car is still drivable (in my opinion the stucture would cost like 2 k to get it work perfectly,yet if we do not care the look, the cosmetic it will be a super good car to drive) In case i do not sell the car and fix the structure to drive,keep the money , i heard somewhere from yahoo answer that no insurance company will sell you insurance ??? like i can no longer buy farmers insurance if i do not fix my car ??? IS THIS FOR REAL ? ( because i did not make any claim on my insurance FARMER ) Is there any problem with an accident car ( Car title ,etc....) Is it legal in texas to drive a damaged car ? Will they report it to carfax ( i got police report) ..... So that is my case,with your experience Please give me anything that you know about my case, is there any problem with it, does anything will happen in the future Thanks all so much , please help!""

How can I get prenatal insurance?

I live in Iowa and I am pregant my bday is in four days il be 18. I don't have health insurance I live with my bf. I could marry him and have insurance but I want to explore all options but I need. Health insurance what all can I do?

Urgent legal advice for car insurance compensation?

Hi! All I had small car accident with a taxi on the Sydney Harbour Bridge 4 month ago. I admited the fault and made a claim to my car insurance company. but they have delayed compensation to the taxi company over 5month. but I didn`t know how it was going on their dealing.. Finally, I have got a letter which is about under managemnt by our local court about our attachment of property and fine. Because the taxi company want get competsation from me. I already pay the payment for that claim and my insurance company agreed to pay the compensaton for. what should I do for my situation. please give me legal advice. Thank you.""

Used Car Insurance/Registration?

I just recently got my license (which was long overdue) and now I'm looking into buying a car from Advantage Auto Sales. My question is regarding the insurance and registration for the car I'm going to be buying. Should I purchase insurance, then put the down payment on the car, and then go register it after I have it in my possession? I've already gotten an insurance quote for one particular car that I was looking it, but I did change my mind due to location issues, but I can't imagine that would change the price up too much considering the car I'm looking at is actually newer than the one I got the quote on. At any rate, what should be my order of operations? 1. Insurance 2. Car 3. Registration OR 1. Insurance 2. Registration 3. Car Sorry if I'm being confusing. I would like to get all of this handled in one swoop so I'm not doing a whole lot of waiting around for weeks while everything gets handled. I live in Peoria, IL. In an related (but optional) question, how does a 2004 Chevrolet Malibu LS Sedan sound? Reliable or no?""

How much would my insurance go up if i add a K N filter on to my car? if its 800 Now?

i drive a 09 reg Vauxhall Corsa SXi?

The average price of car insurance?

The average price of car insurance?

What do i do with no insurance? when i go to the doctor and no insurance?

i work at mcdonalds part time, and have no insurance or health benefits, how do i get insurance to pay for doctors visits? How can i afford health insurance or where do i apply 4 health insurance?""

How much is a Geico car insurance for a minor ?

I am 17 years old and I am just wondering how much I will have to pay for my car insurance. My mom has Geico, and I am sure that will be the one I will have, too. Help!""

Car insurance for 2 people in 2 places...?

My father is going to add me to his auto insurance. He lives in the the Bronx, NY and currently I go to school in upstate New York and is where I will be using the car and I know car insurance is cheaper upstate New York. With that being said is it possible for his part of the insurance to be filed in New York City and my part to be filed through the upstate location? While still having him receive the bill for both... Thanks in advance!

How much will my car insurance go down when I turn 25?

I have a clean record with no tickets and multiple coverages (auto,home,motorcycle). How much though will my insurance go down on average after turning 25?""

Car insurance rates depending on a car?

If i'm getting a new car I dont really understand insurance. What will make my insurance rise. I have been hearing it is the model or how new my car is because im looking into a few new cars. Thank you.

What is the cheapest possible insurance available?

Including the cheapest car to insure and the best way to go about insuring that car. What is the cheapest insurance i can get? Thanks for any help

SR-22 for DUI in California? Secondary liability insurance?

Has anyone ever heard of Secondary Insurance? How does it work? Is it legal? My attorney recommended a guy for this policy, and it sounds too good to be true. They create a Shell liability policy for my person, unattached to my car, and my auto rates won't increase? Is this a total scam? I need to get a SR-22 to get my lisence back. Any help is appreciated and of course bested""

""What is the best Health insurance, with good maternity coverage?""

I would like to get insurance before I get pregnant because I know they won't give it to you when you're pregnant. So I would like to know who has the best coverage, hospital, pre-natal....etc! Would really like to hear from mothers, and there experience with the providers!!!! Thanks in advance""

Car Insurance: Fully Comprehensive or Third Party ?

Plain English please: what is the difference between FULLY COMPREHENSIVE and THIRD PARTY FIRE AND THEFT car insurance? I have an old ford escort.

Should I Get Title Insurance?

I have an opportunity to buy a lot near a lake in Missouri from a lake association for $300. There has been no other owner of the property in the past 30 years or so (since before the lake itself was created and the association was established). As great of a deal as this price sounds, I have the option to pay another $125 for title insurance. Would it be worth it to pay for that insurance considering the amount I am paying for the lot itself? Also, I am not planning to build on the lot any time soon, I just want it to allow for access to the lake and the priveledges of the lake association.""

Advice onCar insurance?

which cart insurance is best for two 19 year Olds? I have never had insurance of my own and I have never gotten a ticket or been in an accident. My boyfriend will be 20 next month and he has had insurance but not recently. We are on a fixed income and would prefer to only spend around 150 per month. Any advice on insurance for a 2000 4x4 2 door Ford explorer? It's a 6 cylinder engine..automatic transmission.

Car Insurance Help Please?

So do you have to pay for insurance even if you don't own a car but have a license?

What are some car insurance people?

I know Progressive, and Geico. Who do you use? who do you not use and why? We just got a new toyota Sienna and i want to shop around for cheap insurance.""

How much a car Ins. would pay for a repair?

My sister got hit for a car that was leaving a gas station. She went to get some estimates from a body shop and the first she got was for over $6000 because they want to replace almost all the damaged parts; the other estimate is for around $3500 because they will repaire some parts. This is a new sienna (2004)with few miles. Will Insurance pay for the higher estimate? This accident will increase the future premium if the other ins. do not want to pay for the repair? The accident was not my sister fault and the other driver was not added to the policy of the car that he was driving.

Car Insurance for a 17 year old male...?

I am looking for car insurance as I will (fingers crossed) have passed my test by christmas. I need insurance on a 1997 P Reg 1.4L Renault Megane (which I have learned in, so will be buying off my dad) ... either that or it will be a 1.0L - 1.2L probably M Reg 3 door car, something cheap, small and cheap to run. Most places are either refusing to insure me, or are giving me ridiculous prices of between 3500 - 5000. Also, I am getting quotes as though I already have the full licence, and not provisional. I know people of the same age going to these companies with bigger and newer cars getting insured for 2000. Whats going on? U.K. answerers only please :-) Ta. J. X""

How much will my insurance go up??

i have 21st century auto insurance and i have been driving since february 2008 and i am 18 years old. i bumped a state vehicle (caltrans) but there was no damage done whatsoever to the vehicle...as for my car...there was a small scratch that i will not repair. however chp said since its a state vehicle they have to report it. how much will my insurance go up??

""I just received a position where I am given Benefits for the first time, I have questions about Insurance?""

Does what I pay for insurance come out monthly? or every check? what is coinsurance? How do deductibles work? Stupid questions I am sure, but I have never had the option to pick insurance, and I haven't been covered by my parents insurance for at least 7 years. I didn't go to the doctor much when i was covered, so I never learned what my parents had to do.""

Minor accident no insurance ?

I got in a minor accident I'm 17 my dad has insurance but I'm not under that insurance the cop showed up and just told me I had court there was no injuries what am I facing ? My car got chipped the other car was only paint scratches

How long does it take to get auto insurance?

if i apply now how long will i be able to get the insurance? im a new driver and i need insurance 4 myself. i need to drive a car with insurance before may

Am I still eligible for car insurance?

My car insurance dropped me today because I had four traffic tickets over two years ago. It was when I was just starting out driving and since then I have learned to be a responsible driver. Since the premiums were up for renewal next month, they pulled my file (audit) and found the tickets, and dropped me. I was told Progressive and Safe Auto would be good ones to check out. My first two tickets will be at the 3 year mark in a few months, the next about a month after.""

Is a Mustang LX considered a sports car for insurance purposes?

since GTs are sports cars (insurance is more for sports car)

First car recommendations and insurance help?

I'm 17 and I'm about 3 or 4 months away from passing my driving test. I've been looking at cars and really like the look of a peugeot 206 or 207 or a new model renault clio. however, the insurance is at the cheapest 2,220 - that's with out any pass plus or other drivers on it. I was just wondering if there are any other cars you people would recommend for me (my budget is 1000 for a car) and any insurance tips. no-one be stupid please, I'm a good driver and yes i do need a car :-)""

Why has my car insurance gone up?

My question is about my car insurance renewal quote. I got my renewal quote from esure, last year I paid 357 with 7 years no claim discount, and with full uk licence held for just under 4 years. In whole year I haven't made any claim, same car, same address, still the new quote I got is 627. I am almost shocked. Last year also I had same problem, my renewal quote was about 40-50 pounds higher. I checked for new quote with different insurers but not getting anything cheaper than 460, still way above what I paid last year. Does anyone know why does it go up? I remember last time when I spoke to call centre guy, he told me that it depends on number of claims in your area etc. Is that true? Also somewhere I read the article that insurance companies are paying more than what they collect as a premium and they are raising premiums by up to 20% but still in my case the premium is almost double. If anyone has any knowledge on how this industry works please let me know. Any help is appreciated. Thanks""

Do I need to have insurance before registrating a car in California?

Do I need to have insurance before registrating a car in California?

Should I go without health insurance for a year?

Next month I am about to go through open enrollment through my employer. This year health insurance was expensive. The took about $120 out of my pay check. To get more income next year, should I skip health insurance for at least one year.""

Jeep Vs Car Insurance?

hey i am a 17 male. i was just wondering would insurance for a jeep be cheaper then insurance on a car since you would be less likely to rally around a jeep, and other dangerous driving etc.. i am also wondering if a 2L jeep would be dear to insure for a 17 male, since it is a jeep. thanks :)""

Car Insurance Question?

I am buying my first car....a pre-owned 2008 nissan altima 3.5 sedan (4 door) I would love to know how much im looking into for insurance and which company would be best for a new car owner/college student Geico Progressive State Farm etc..... Any information would be beneficial

Is it cheaper to shop for car insurance online vs local agents?

I am looking to switch and was told by an agent that they like it when you come to them in person rather than over the phone? I don't want to spend a whole day running to different agencies only to save a couple of dollars each month because the agent gets a share. Is that how it works? Is it cheaper to shop online? I would appreciate any reply.

Car insurance for 2 people in 2 places...?

My father is going to add me to his auto insurance. He lives in the the Bronx, NY and currently I go to school in upstate New York and is where I will be using the car and I know car insurance is cheaper upstate New York. With that being said is it possible for his part of the insurance to be filed in New York City and my part to be filed through the upstate location? While still having him receive the bill for both... Thanks in advance!

Does anyone have term life insurance with primerica? Are rates with another company better?

Does anyone have term life insurance with primerica? Are rates with another company better?

Best insurance companies for 17 year old passed my test!!?

ok ive pased my test a month on friday and i gettin a car this week and i need some insurance on the car obviiously lol, well basically whats the cheapest car insurance all you 17 year old have and who is it with, please :)""

""Car Insurance coverage, will my insurance provider cover sun damage paint?""

I own a honda pilot suv, I have full coverage insurance on this vehicle. My pilot has bad sun damaged paint I live in a salty dessert area. I wanted to know if my insurance company ...show more""

How do I get health insurance?

I'm a 18 year old girl and on my own. I have no health insurance and is now two weeks pregnant. Can anyone give me a clue on how to get health insurance? Like step by step?

Motorcycle insurance?

progressive is quoting me at $20 a month for bare minimum coverage for a 2010 yamaha r1. I'm 18 years old and single. how is this even possible? am i reading something wrong? this price just seems absurdly low to me

Where can I get affordable health insurance for my family?

USA 2013, it's now illegal, NOT to have medical insurance for everyone in your family. I get insurance for myself through work, which is mostly paid for by them, except my high deductible and co-pays, which I can barley afford. My wife and kids will cost me over $800.00 per month to insure through my employer. Can't afford that, it's almost as much as my rent. Half the insurance companies I've applied for say I make too much, the other half tell me I don't make enough. What I'm I supposed to do, eat or have insurance? If I just don't buy any, I'll be penalized through taxes at the end of the year. So, does anyone know of any good health insurance companies out there? Thanks.""

Will lifting my Jeep affect my insurance rates?

I have a Jeep Cherokee, which is my daily driver, but I'm lookin into making it alot bigger, putting a 6 lift kit on and putting 35 tires. I dont know whether or not I need to notify my insurance company about this. I dont expect them to insure the lift or anything, but can I be dropped by them if I do not tell them? I'm not actually going to be taking the truck offroad (stupid I know, but its just for looks).""

Business Insurance Quote?

Can anyone give me an idea of what insurance I may have? Im doing a b-plan, and insurance companies wont give me a quote yet. heres my info: Beverage Company, we buy our beverage from 3rd party manufacture. First year revenue: 1,000,000 Employees: 4 (1 owner) Annual Wages w/owner: $150k w/o owner: $120k 1 company owned van for local distribution and marketing driven by employee and owner Renting a 2500 sq. ft office space, we will have about $30k of product and $10k office equipment Southern California, I need the general liability, commercial, workers comp, umbrella, and anything else i may need? A good enough number for me to throw down in my general number-running in trying to figure how much money I need to assmble would be so helpful! Thank you!""

""Car insurance costs, is this right?""

Im currently 19 years old and have been with Esurance for a year now. I have a 1998 honda civic and my payments are at $65 a month, im currently looking in to buying a new car and called them up tonight to get a quote for it and they said my monthly payments would increase to $360 a month (car i called about was a 2012 chevy sonic hatchback). Does this large of an increas seem correct? I have never gotten in to an accident nor needed to call upon my insurance for anything, so why does the price jump so much higher?""

Why you would be better off buying a 20 year term life insurance policy at age 25......?

Why you would be better off buying a 20 year term life insurance policy at age 25 rather that buying a one-year renewable policy?

""Conservatives, you're always claiming that Obama-care is the reason that insurance costs are increasing, so?""

regarding the 80% increase in insurance premiums, and the 11% increase in the number of Americans who did not have health insurance coverage during the Bush presidency, was that because a magical elf traveled back in time to the year 2000 to tell insurance company executives that Obamacare was coming? Or could it be that insurance premiums have been increasing at an average rate of 8 to 11% per year for about the last 15 years and the increases we've seen in the last few years aren't indicative of costs associated with Obama-care (Which hasn't even been fully implemented yet) and Conservatives are just trying to make political hay out of cost increases that are consistent with established trends?""

Do i need insurance to clean a church?

do i need insurance to clean a church?

Motorcycle insruance guess for 17 year old female (Indiana)?

I'm a 17 year old female and I live in Indiana so I would not be riding year round. I have good grades and I will have completed the safety course. I'm looking at probably something older and 400cc. If any other under 18 year old has insurance and knows PERSONALLY how much it would cost please let me know.

Do you believe everyone has a right to medical insurance?

What are the pros and cons of giving everyone access to medical care?

Cat c car do i need to inform the insurance company?

when buying a cat c car does it affect the insurance and should i inform the insurance it was bought as a cat c ?

Affordable maternity insurance?

Affordable maternity insurance?

Window tints ticket insurance rates?

does a nonmoving window tint ticket , affect my insurance rates if i pay if off and keep the tints on, here my problem i am under my parents insurance plan and my dad would not let me keep my tints if i keep getting pulled over for them. i have alot of money and i just want to keep paying for the tickets. money is not the problem, i just want to know if i pay the tickets off will it show on my insurance or anywhere else?""

Question about first insurance quote for a young driver?

Last week I used autotrader to search for numerous quotes and found one for around 1450. Today I passed my driving test, and went back to the quote but it had to be renewed since last week which is fair enough. The lowest value today was 1576 which I am alright with. I refreshed the page a while later to find that quote had disappeared and the cheapest was 1620, with the company for that quote (elephant) at the bottom with an unable to find a quote detail. I thought it would come back soon, so I refreshed the page and then suddenly the price increased to 2950 minimum and many of the cheaper companies were now listed as unable to find a quote. Strange, but perhaps the websites are too busy to send data. An hour on though and the price is still 2950. Did anyone else have this problem? If so when was it fixed, the same day or next day? Thanks""

Question about car insurance?

if someone gets a car and payes it to the owner in monthly rates, and he gets a insurance for that car. but th car is not signed over to you yet, so legally it is not yours yet. and before you make the first payment you get in an accident. you pay the car off with the insurance money, but the insurance gives you more money than the owner wanted for it, who gets the rest of that money????? you?""

Dairyland insurance company for motorcycle?

How can they issue me registration over the phone? I'm located in Michigan and the local office has a different price then what I was quoted over the phone. Over the phone I pay $168, the office said it would be $330. I don't feel uncomfortable getting insurance over the phone but looks like I may have to. Is this okay to do and has anyone else done this before?""

How do you get what you need with no medical insurance?

Hello. I am 25, recently kicked my roomate (ex boyfriend) out of my apartment, and am having to switch jobs in order to make more money. The new job surprisingly offers decent health and dental, and I am going to get it asap. But as everyone knows, it takes a good long while. I am entering a new relationship and need to get on the pill so I can have sex without making babies lol. Does anyone know of any decent, somewhat affordable options?""

How come health insurance is so cheap ?

Im 18 and need health insurance. I just got a quote from kiaser for a 5K deductible with 6K out of pocket maximum. So basiccly 6 K yearly. And then after the deductible im fully covered. The quite was 80 bucks monthly

Cheaper auto insurance with EVOC certification?

While I was going through military police training, I was told if you have an Emercency Vehicle Operations permit, you can get a discount on your car insurance. Is this true and what companies offer this discount if at all?""

How much is insurance for under ground pools?

How much is insurance for under ground pools?

Can you be insured by more than one auto insurance company?

I am thinking of buying a car and currently I am under my dad's plan for his car. I want to have a different insurance company for my car. Would I need to go off of my dad's insurance policy for his car for this? I am thinking the only problem would occur would be if there was an incident that didn't involve the insured car itself but where my auto insurance would cover whatever it is (e.g. as a pedestrian I am hit by a car in a no fault state). Thanks

Car insurance for 2 people in 2 places...?

My father is going to add me to his auto insurance. He lives in the the Bronx, NY and currently I go to school in upstate New York and is where I will be using the car and I know car insurance is cheaper upstate New York. With that being said is it possible for his part of the insurance to be filed in New York City and my part to be filed through the upstate location? While still having him receive the bill for both... Thanks in advance!

Insurance for student?

I am currently a student, and saved up enough to buy a car, but the problem is the insurance. As a student, the insurance premium is very high since I have to be the primary driver. I cannot be under my parents insurance, I am not in good terms with them. Is there any way to reduce the premiums? I already did the driveres ed course which gives you a 10% discount. Do you know any cheap insurance companies? I am just looking for basic coverage. Thanks! PS - I live in Ontario.""

Usure about car insurance ?

My boyfriend recently cancelled his car insurance because he no longer has a car. What happens if he drives mycar, which is fully covered, and gets in an accident?""

Does anyone know a cheap car insurance company?

Im About to Turn 17 and am Male,, I need to know if anyone knows of a cheap car insurance company, I have a 2002 Citroen Saxo VTR, I live in Dudley,UK Preferably i would like to pay less than 3000 (i am only a student) Preferably i would like to go in my name but i do also have the option to go in my 44year old dads name. If anyone could get back to me on this i would be very greateful p.s -- I have tried all of the comparison sites and have only found 1insurance company cheaper than 3k Gett Back to me please Thank You xx""

Auto Insurance ? Never had it. Can anybody help.?

I have called for quotes.. to many auto insurance companies. But since this my first time purchase I am confused, Can someone break down the features of a policy, what am i to have, what is reccomended. thanks , any details will help.""

Cheapest Car Insurance Company In NY?

Hey i am really need to help with car insurance. Is my first time buying a car and i am really looking for a good deal for a car insurance company here in NY. Either the cheapest or the one that you personally recommend for my age (21 years old) I really appreciate your time. I have been searching for a lot of them before i make a call.

What's the cheapest motorcycle insurance for a 17 year old owning a motorcycle and holding a Motorcycle L....?

Learner's permit and no DL in viriginia? Serious answers only please. I want to be the only person on the insurance.

Why insurance co. do so much not to pay out a fair claim?

Insurance co. will do anything to deny your claim. They make billions a year to pay out on fair claims but never do. It is ridiculious how they have charge people all this money for coverage that they dont even provide when it is needed. They will try every trick in the book to not pay out. They also ask you roundabout questions, than have there co. take it apart word by word than deny the claim. Have any one ever think about how they have very strict laws on people commiting fraud, but shouldnt they set laws for insurance commiting fraud to? They rip off people day after day that is a sort of fraud as well. Insurance co. have been getting away with this for many years it is time that this is stopped. Funny this is we cant live without them. If you have a car you HAVE to have insurance its a must. But you dont have to have it for a home if it is all paid for. but who want to lose on investment of their home in a case of a fire. Shouldnt congress or lawmakers set some rules?""

Yes/No: Do you have health insurance?

Yes/No: Do you have health insurance?

Can u guys suggest me a best insurance company?

Dear frnds i m intending to sell jewellery at ebay and i wanna insured items before shipping it to customers can u guys suggees me a good insurance company.i want item to be insured until it reaches to customers hand.

How is Progressive for auto insurance?

I am a veteran and a USAA member, so my insurance is a slightly lower than the average person. However, I recently got a claim from Progressive that they could give me the same coverage for $850 dollars (200 less than USAA). Is this too good to be true? My USAA agent told me that they were probably pulling a bait and switch; they would probably raise my rates as soon as I signed the policy. Does anyone have any feedback or information to share about Progressive? Is it really that affordable or is it just a scam?""

Where can i find a cheap auto insurance in los angeles for a 2004 Subaru Impreza WRX?

I own a 2004 Subaru Impreza Wrx (sedan). Vehicle has a clean title, not salvage, and payed off. I'm looking for the basic (state law requirement) type of auto insurance. I am also 19 years old with a clean record - no tickets, no accidents, etc. *I called a few insurances and so far Inifnity Auto Insurance $182 while Titan Auto Insurance $111.00*""

I need health insurance?

I am a 21 year old women, healthy.. And I am in need of health insurance that wont cost me an arm and a leg. Does anyone have any suggestions.. I looked online, and every site suggested that united health one.. Does anyone have,or has had this insurance. Thanks""

Does one have to report fixing a car to insurance?

So let's say that an underage and uninsured driver hits my car in a parking lot. Not totaled or anything, but a large dent and a scratched. I know the child in the car, and his Dad tells me that he could just pay it for the damages out of pocket. If I get an estimate and get the car fixed with the fathers money, do I have to report it to the insurance? Am I allowed to just go to a body shop and get the doors fixed, and that is the end of that? Will I be in any legal trouble if I do it? Thanks.""

What's a site I can use to see how much car insurance would be?

I want to see an estimate

What happen if I don't pay my car insurance?

I woul like to switch to another company that's going be cheaper, but I was wondering can I just not pay my old car insurance and start laying my new car insurance company, or do I need to finish with all the months that they gave me the insurance card for (it was for 6 months, 3 months left).""

What affordable medical insurance can I get for my income in Texas?

My husband and I only make between 1400-2000 a month from working. We have NO medical insurance because his company wants to charge an arm and a leg for me just to be included. I am currently having some high blood pressure problems and kidney problems but I do not have insurance to go for a visit. Im desperately trying to find a program or insurance affordable for us so I can get checked up- NOW I am NOT qualified for Adult Medicade-we make too much, but private insurance is too expensive for our budget. We have a free clinic but there is a 3-4 month wait to see a doctor. Can anyone else please help point to a direction that may help my situation? Like I said Im desperate enough to ask the public.""

""In Texas, does the responsible insurance company have to pay for the storage fees for our totaled car?""

I was just recently involved in an accident and the insurance company that is responsible to pay for the damages is saying that I need to move my car from storage, because they do not have to pay for the car to remain in storage. Since I live in an apartment complex the car would have to be moved twenty minutes away, which is going to cost quite a bit and then we would have to move it again to an auto body shop back to the area I live in. So I called the place where it was stored to get a quote on how much it would cost to move it and the guy said that our car looks to be totaled and that for them to tow it I would have to pay out of pocket and I will never see that money again. Also, he said, in Texas, it is state law for the insurance company to pay storage and towing fees, he said the insurance is just saying that to get us to move it so they don't have to pay those extra fees. I don't know who to believe and I couldn't find anything online about it.""

GED and Health Insurance?

Hello I a question that needs to be answered. Im guessing I came to the right place? :D Alright so highschool is not working out for me and I plan to go to community college after anyhow. I have been contemplating dropping out and going to college for a while now... My parents agree with my choice but do not want me to step off there life insurance policy. I stay on it as long as I am going to school. So if I were to drop out how long do I have until I am off there policy. I am turning 17 in a few months and dont have a job...making life insurance quite the task on someone with no paycheck. My insurance is Aetna thanks in advance!

What is the price of insurance on a 1990 pontiac firebird?

I am 16 years old and just got my license. I am looking to buy a 1990 pontiac firebird. I was just wondering how much insurance would cost for a new driver.

How much for ticket for no insurance?

I just got a ticket today.. my car hasn't pass smog and I currently don't have insurance. I have to go to court for this how much do you think they will fine me ?

Finding health insurance that covers meds?

i turn 26 next year and i really need health insurance when i get kicked off my parents plan... i dont know what to do. what is just the most inexpensive way to get my meds? i take adderall and paxil. thank you

Wwhat are the characteristics of disability insurance ?

Wwhat are the characteristics of disability insurance ?

""Which one is cheaper, car insurance or motorbike insurance ?

where can i find cheap insurance policy for vehicles ?

Health Insurance?

I have Blue Cross and Blue Shield from my job. It is very expensive for me and my wife. Is there any other option of affordable insurance that is worth a damn when I actually need it? Not some cheap.. Bob's Insurance or something like that...

Would a BMW Z3 be expensive for a teens insurance?

Would a BMW Z3 be expensive for a teens insurance?

Car insurance for 2 people in 2 places...?

My father is going to add me to his auto insurance. He lives in the the Bronx, NY and currently I go to school in upstate New York and is where I will be using the car and I know car insurance is cheaper upstate New York. With that being said is it possible for his part of the insurance to be filed in New York City and my part to be filed through the upstate location? While still having him receive the bill for both... Thanks in advance!

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/any-affordable-car-insurance-drivers-violations-leon-weiss"

[bluewatsons]

Angela Woods, The limits of narrative: provocations for the medical humanities, 37 Med Humanit 73 (2011)

Abstract

This paper aims to (re)ignite debate about the role of narrative in the medical humanities. It begins with a critical review of the ways in which narrative has been mobilised by humanities and social science scholars to understand the experience of health and illness. I highlight seven dangers or blind spots in the dominant medical humanities approach to narrative, including the frequently unexamined assumption that all human beings are ‘naturally narrative’. I then explore this assumption further through an analysis of philosopher Galen Strawson's influential article ‘Against Narrativity’. Strawson rejects the descriptive claim that “human beings typically see or live or experience their lives as a narrative” and the normative claim that “a richly Narrative outlook is essential to a well-lived life, to true or full personhood”. His work has been taken up across a range of disciplines, but its implications in the context of health and illness have not yet been sufficiently discussed. This article argues that ‘Against Narrativity’ can and should stimulate robust debate within the medical humanities regarding the limits of narrative, and concludes by discussing a range of possibilities for venturing ‘beyond narrative’.

Narrative in the field of medicine: six uses, five debates, seven dangers

The role of narrative in medicine, and its importance both to clinical practice and to understanding the illness experience, has expanded considerably in recent years. Across clinical disciplines, as well as in the medical humanities, medical sociology and anthropology, narrative is called upon to fulfil an increasingly wide range of functions. First and foremost, narrative is understood to provide privileged access to the subjective experience of illness, and is frequently promoted as the primary vehicle through which the ill person can express her changing sense of self and identity, explore new social roles and gain membership of new communities.1–3 Here, narrative is regarded as not merely expressive but as transformative and even therapeutic.4–6 Turning from patient to practitioner, narrative has long been valued for the insights it offers into the experience of all those who care for the sick,7–10 but more recently, and more radically, ‘narrative competence’ has come to be seen as an essential skill in clinical diagnosis and treatment.11–13In the sphere of health research, narrative offers new methodologies for qualitative and quantitative studies of the illness experience,14–17 and at the societal level, narrative is seen by some to challenge the hegemony of naturalistic and biomedical approaches to illness and so provide the foundation for a new ethics and politics of healthcare.3

The difficulty of giving precise definitions of narrative (see p 1 in Hutto18)—and the reluctance of many to do so—further complicates the ways we can see it in operation in the field of medicine. Some have argued that the concept of narrative adds little but academic pretention to the experience-near and ‘probably universal’ concept of ‘story’. As Unni Wikan puts it: “people bleed stories, but academics gather narratives” (p 217 in Wikan19). Others reserve the term ‘story’ to denote a sequence of events which are then discursively rendered in ‘narratives’, or argue that ‘stories’ belong to the realm of the individual while ‘narratives’ refer to the organising culturally-variable frameworks through which stories are told (see p 12 in Garro20). The concept of ‘narrativity’—the thick or thin, minimal or rich, quality of being narrative—raises further complications for plotting the relationship between narratives, stories and events.21 Scholars working in sociology, narratology and psychology continue to debate whether ‘big’ or ‘little’ stories give us the richer insights into experience and identity22–28 and whether the most valuable way of engaging with narrative is as ‘story-analysts’ or as ‘story-tellers’.17 29–33 Some anthropological accounts of narrative emphasise its performative, embodied, temporal and interpersonal dimensions; others, following the lead of literary theory, adopt a more semiotic approach to the narrative as text.34 35 Amidst this diversity of perspectives, methodologies and scholarly aims (and notwithstanding a few notable exceptions29 31 36 37), it is frequently the case that a person's narrative or story, however defined, is assumed to be coextensive with their subjective experience, their psychological health and indeed their very humanity.

With this in mind, it is not surprising that narrative should enjoy an exceptionally privileged role in medical humanities scholarship. Advocates for the use of narrative have a commitment to understanding the centrality of the illness experience in the medical treatment of disease, taking seriously stories of illness, and valuing the individual as the empowered author-narrator of her own story. These goals are, without doubt, commendable both in scholarly and practical terms. At the same time, and from a broadly sympathetic standpoint, I would argue that there are still some pressing questions—seven, to be precise—about the use of narrative in medical humanities scholarship which have yet to be comprehensively addressed and so require our sustained analytic attention.

As I hope the reader will have already suspected, this delimitation of seven questions is itself something of a provocation. Any attempt to survey an interdisciplinary debate of this complexity in a single paper will be obliged to engage a kind of academic shorthand against which all sorts of very valid objections can be levelled. Of course, my intention here is not to present a definitive or otherwise closed set of conclusions, but rather to (re)ignite critical debate around these topics. I also wish to emphasise the relevance of this discussion to the medical humanities in its most inclusive sense: references to ‘narrative in medicine’ or ‘narrative in the field of medicine’ should be understood in the broadest possible terms to include all aspects of healthcare and the study of health and illness.

The first so-called ‘ethical hazard’38 routinely encountered in the study of narrative in medicine, albeit one that has been agonised over repeatedly, concerns the truth-value of narrative. To what extent can we trust that people's stories of illness faithfully describe ‘what it was really like’? As Mark Freeman has noted in relation to qualitative research more generally, there is “widespread concern that “narratives are untrue to ‘life itself’”. Whether this is cause for alarm (the data are distorted!) or celebration (a toast to the imagination!) depends on who is offering the critique” (p 132 in Freeman23). The issue of whether narratives are ‘true’ of course immediately prompts us to ask ‘for whom, and in what situation?’. This in turn calls attention to the uses of narrative, and to a second hitherto neglected area of enquiry suggested by the question: “Can narrative coherence be a harmful phenomenon, how, and in which context?” (p 7 in Hyvärinen39). As Yiannis Gabriel notes, “while stories can be vehicles of contestation, opposition, and self-empowerment, they can also act as vehicles of oppression, self-delusions, and dissimulation” (p 169 in Gabriel40).

A third danger—more troubling, in my view, if only because it is less frequently acknowledged—lies in overinflating what counts as narrative. In some accounts of narrative in the field of medicine virtually all forms of creative self-expression, including painting, poetry and dance, are included under the ‘narrative’ umbrella (see p 1 in Hurwitz41), which I think risks mistaking a specific form of primarily linguistic expression for the master-trope of subjective experience. Related to this is the tendency for some authors to collapse distinctions between different narrative forms and contexts. Emphasising the continuities between, for example, hospital anecdotes, published autobiographies and diagnostic interviews, diverts attention away from systemic analysis of the diverse functions and effects of specific types of storytelling.36 Fifth, and despite repeated efforts to present definitive typologies of illness narratives (as in Frank,3 Hawkins42 and p 1840 in Hanninen43), a sophisticated account of genre is largely absent from literary and semiotic approaches to medicine-related and illness narrative. Genre, with its three dimensions of formal organisation, rhetorical structure and thematic content, is a universal feature of all textuality,44and a careful examination of how it enables and constrains the production of certain kinds of narratives in an array of medical and broader cultural contexts is, I would argue, overdue.

This leads in on to my sixth concern: that scholars and practitioners working with narrative in the field of medicine frequently overlook the cultural and historical dimensions of narrative form. Too often particular kinds of narrative are presented as transcultural, transhistorical truths of the human experience, a view that operates at the expense of a more historically and anthropologically grounded approach to understanding the cultural specificity of idioms of distress. Arthur Frank's much-celebrated book The Wounded Storyteller3 is a case in point here. Although he writes at length about the specific contours of the “postmodern remission society”, Frank turns to monomyth, the archetypal story of a hero's journey, as the ideal narrative form of illness experience. With this in mind, the seventh warning I would like to issue is that promoting (particular forms of) narrative as the mode of human self-expression, in turn promotes a specific model of the self—as an agentic, authentic, autonomous storyteller; as someone with unique insight into an essentially private and emotionally rich inner world; as someone who possesses a drive for storytelling, and whose stories reflect and (re)affirm a sense of enduring, individual identity.

These last two dangers direct our attention to the philosophical foundations of narrative self-hood and identity and will be the focus of the rest of this paper. The literature on narrative and the self comes from psychology, philosophy, sociology, literary studies, anthropology, psychiatry and neuroscience; it encompasses memory, identity, ethics and emotions; and it seems to be growing exponentially.45 Rather than attempt anything like an overview of this terrain, I want instead to concentrate on philosopher Galen Strawson's ‘Against Narrativity’,46 an article which remains at the high-water mark of critiques of so-called ‘narrative orthodoxy’. Although his central quarrel is with philosophers,47–51 Strawson has in his sights the narrative turn across the humanities and social sciences, and his ideas have been taken up in disciplines as diverse as organisational studies, education and life-writing. Passionate and polemical, ‘Against Narrativity’ raises questions which go to the heart of narrative in medicine, but which have yet to be adequately addressed by scholars and practitioners in the medical humanities.

‘Against Narrativity’

‘Against Narrativity’ begins by identifying two major currents in the tide of interdisciplinary interest in narrative: (1) the psychological narrativity thesis, which holds “that human beings typically see or live or experience their lives as a narrative or story of some sort”, and (ii) the ethical narrativity thesis, which states “that experiencing or conceiving one's life as a narrative is a good thing; a richly Narrative outlook is essential to a well-lived life, to true or full personhood” (p 428 in Strawson46). Strawson rejects both theses as false:

It's just not true that there is only one good way for human beings to experience their being in time. There are deeply non-Narrative people and there are good ways to live that are deeply non-Narrative. [Views which subscribe to the ethical narrativity thesis] hinder human self-understanding, close down important avenues of thought, impoverish our grasp of ethical possibilities, needlessly and wrongly distress those who do not fit their model, and are potentially destructive in psychotherapeutic contexts. (p 429 in Strawson46)

Strawson's account of the differences between narrative and non-narrative people begins with a distinction between two forms of temporal experience. In the diachronic mode, “one naturally figures oneself, considered as a self, as something that was there in the (further) past and will be there in the (further) future” (p 429 in Strawson46). In the episodic mode, by contrast, while the capacity to remember past and anticipate future experiences remains intact, there is no felt sense of an inner mental entity persisting through time. Using himself as an example, Strawson illustrates episodic self-experience as follows:

I have a past, like any human being, and I know perfectly well that I have a past. I have a respectable amount of factual knowledge about it, and I also remember some of my past experiences ‘from the inside’, as philosophers say. And yet I have absolutely no sense of my life as a narrative with form, or indeed as a narrative without form. Absolutely none. Nor do I have any great or special interest in my past. Nor do I have a great deal of concern for my future. (p 432 in Strawson46)

Strawson maintains that being diachronic is necessary but not sufficient for being a (naturally) narrative person, as “one can be Diachronic without actively conceiving of one's life, consciously or unconsciously, as some sort of ethical-historical-characterological developmental unity, or in terms of a story, a Bildung or ‘quest’” (p 441 in Strawson46). Narrativity, then, which for Strawson is the special quality of narrative people, requires not just a particular sense of temporally enduring self, but an active drive or tendency towards form-finding, story-telling and revision.

It is important to note here that Strawson's account of narrativity relates specifically to what are elsewhere described as the ‘big stories’ of biographical identity. The idea that narrativity is marshalled in the services of the ‘small stories’ of everyday life, such as making coffee or recounting the journey to work, Strawson dismisses as trivial. So-called non-narrative people are, on his model, perfectly capable of understanding events sequentially and grasping causal relationships. What they lack is the propensity or orientation towards narrativity: the feeling of deep psychological continuity with one's past self married with the desire to frame experience, tell stories and revise the past. It is in the context of structural or foundational self-perception that Strawson moves swiftly from seeing narrativity as sometimes useful to condemning it as almost always harmful:

The aspiration to explicit Narrative self-articulation is natural for some—for some, perhaps, it may even be helpful—but in others it is highly unnatural and ruinous. My guess is that it almost always does more harm than good—that the Narrative tendency to look for story or narrative coherence in one's life is, in general, a gross hindrance to self-understanding: to a just, general, practically real sense, implicit or explicit, of one's nature. (p 447 in Strawson46)

‘Against Narrativity’ and the medical humanities

While Strawson does not rule out the possibility of what could be called mixed types—people who have an episodic experience of time but also a strong penchant for form-finding, or are diachronic but evince no interest in storytelling—critics have been right to note that subtlety and nuance are not chief among the virtues of ‘Against Narrativity’. Strawson effectively proposes a dichotomy between episodic-non-narrative and diachronic-narrative self-hood that is radical, fixed and thin on phenomenological and psychological detail. Philosophers have been quick to interrogate the logical foundations and ethical implications of this distinction, and Strawson's broader claims about the injunction to narrate have similarly caught the attention and raised the ire of academics in psychology, literary studies and related disciplines.52–56Rather than offer a comprehensive review of these objections, or adjudicate in advance a debate between Strawson and scholars working in the medical humanities, I want to argue here for the importance of his and others' work in stimulating a robust discussion about the limits of narrative in our field. In the final section of this paper I will outline what I see as some of the most productive topics for further analysis.

The most obvious starting point for such a discussion is one of narrative medicine's foundational, normative claims that self-expression through narrative is fundamentally healthy and desirable, particularly in the case of illness. As we have already seen, one of the most famous expositors of this view is Arthur Frank. According to Frank, the ill person is a “narrative wreck” (p 54 in Frank3) and it is the task of a humane medicine—or, better, a humane society—to support the ill person in telling their story. Frank suggests that illness narratives can only take a finite number of narrative forms, and his account accords pride of place to the “quest narrative” as the form best suited to restoring the ill storyteller to her sense of self. Quest narratives can take the shape of memoir, manifesto or automythology; what is important is that the ill person becomes, effectively, the hero of her own story, such that the creation and performance of narrative is a form of testimony which re-claims and re-orients the self.

A Strawsonian response to Frank and others' celebration of illness narrative hardly needs elaboration. If the psychological and ethical narrativity theses are false, as Strawson argues, then the injunction to narrate is not only misguided but quite possibly harmful, particularly for those people who are ‘naturally’ episodic. Frank, in turn, might reply that Strawson fundamentally misunderstands both identity and narrative by representing them as essentially private, interior affairs. Interlocutors, audiences, co-authors and communities of meaning are worryingly absent from Strawson's discussion of narrativity, and he offers no insight into the way in which different modes of self-experience are valued, legitimised and endorsed in different (historical, social, cultural, familial, professional) contexts. As I discuss in detail elsewhere,57 the sparks that fly from the collision of these diametrically opposed views have the potential to ignite long-smouldering debates about the embodied and social significance of illness as well as its temporality. Strawson bizarrely asserts that “the fundamentals of temporal temperament are genetically determined”, while conceding that “one's exact position in Episodic/Diachronic/Narrative/non-Narrative state-space may vary significantly over time” (p 431 in Strawson46). How, and to what extent, does illness alter our temporal and hence narrative orientation? Does illness propel us in the direction of diachronicity, forcing us to mourn a healthy past which cannot be recuperated and a future which feels more fraught, more finite? Or is it the case that illness demands instead that we attend to the right now, either because pain returns us to the immediacy of the body, or because the uncertainty of the future encourages us to invest more intensely in the self-experience of the present? While it seems reasonable to suggest that illness significantly disrupts temporal self-experience,58 59 Strawson's work forces us to question whether narrative should remain the privileged form for the interpretation or restitution of that self-experience.

We need not necessarily follow Strawson in the wholesale rejection of the psychological and ethical narrativity theses to realise that there is much to be gained by challenging the assumption of their ubiquity and universality. Narrative is not, and never has been, innocent; it is not, and never has been, inherently oriented towards the good. A major shift in Frank's own work has been to foreground the dangers inherent in stories and storytelling,60 but for me an even more pressing concern is the assumption of an innate ahistorical narrative identity upon which his work (and indeed virtually all mainstream medical humanities thinking) is based. Writing of narrative psychology, Brian Schiff states:

In describing our project as narrative, we are reifying a Western, arguably middle and upper class, concept as a universal mode of shaping and articulating subjective experience. The narrative metaphor has wide intellectual currency in our literature culture where autobiographies and memoirs are common technologies for organizing experience, making known our insides, and carving out a place for ourselves in the social world. These vehicles are accepted and available in our daily life, that's why the metaphor is so compelling.

Our mistake was to think that everyone must be like us. (p 21 in Schiff61)

Schiff's observations resonate with Terrence Holt's observation that “the confessional” has now become the “dominant mode of medical discourse” in the West (p 318 in Holt62). The rise of narrative medicine in the clinic and the classroom, the proliferation of doctors' autobiographies and memoirs of illness, the growing number of opportunities and incentives for patients to share stories through support groups, in online diaries and journals, and even on reality television: specific “technologies of organising experience” as narrative are certainly multiplying across the field of medicine, but we must question the extent to which they function to produce Western middle-class, liberal and neo-liberal modes of being (see p 227 in Wikan,19 Atkinson,29 p 6 in Hyvärinen,39 p 3 in Linde,63 chapter 2 in Watters,64 and Scott65). Writing in this journal, Rebecca Garden has called for narratives of disability to be “taught with a critical framework that challenges the individualisation of disability and that identifies and resists normative scripts of disability as tragedy and of triumphing over that tragedy through a struggle for normalcy” (p 73 in Garden66). While I agree with Garden that the medical humanities can do more to foster a critical approach to the normative scripts of particular kinds of narrative, I am arguing, more radically, that our field can also do more to highlight the normativity of narrative per se.

Can we do without narrative? Should we discourage patients and doctors from telling stories? Should we view with suspicion anyone whose sense of self is articulated in narrative terms? Of course not. I am not suggesting that we somehow ‘do away’ with narrative. What I am suggesting is that scholars in the medical humanities can do more to denaturalise narrative, to acknowledge not only that different cultures (including familial, institutional and professional cultures) will tell and find meaningful different kinds of stories, but also, more fundamentally, that the attachment to and valorisation of narrativity is not universally shared.67

Beyond narrative?

“Is there some burden on me to explain the popularity of the psychological and ethical narrativity theses, given that I think that they're false?” Strawson has asked. “Hardly”, comes his swift reply (p 439 in Strawson46), indicating his disregard for what in my view is one of the most fascinating questions to arise in the study of narrative in the field of medicine. Strawson's evident disinterest in the complex factors giving rise to the narrative turn does not detract from the fact that ‘Against Narrativity’ is, as I have already argued, a provocative and therefore productive starting-point for recognising the limits of narrative. In what might be considered a more positive vein, it also challenges us to explore non-narrative ways of understanding and articulating the experience of illness and its impact on the self.

So if not narrative, then what?

Space does not permit an extensive discussion of alternatives to narrative which might be more amenable to or at least accommodating of episodic self-experience; here, I mention only a few examples from the medical humanities in the spirit of stimulating further enquiry. In his work in transcultural psychiatry and medical anthropology, Lawrence Kirmayer69 has argued persuasively that metaphor “occupies an intermediate ground between embodied experience and the overarching narrative structures of plots, myths, and ideologies”:

Just as fragments of poetry can be written with no overarching narrative, or only the briefest strand hinted at, so can we articulate our suffering without appeal to elaborate stories of origins, motives, obstacles, and change. Instead, we may create metaphors that lack the larger temporal structure of narrative but are no less persistent and powerful. Such fragments of poetic thought may be the building blocks of narrative: moments of evocative and potential meaning that serve as turning points, narrative opportunities, irreducible feelings and intuitions that drive the story onward. (p 155 in Kirmayer68)

We can only find “a way to enter into the making and breaking of narrative” in clinical settings if we attend first “to what is unfinished, incomplete, and tentative—the myriad forms of ‘nonnarrative’ communication” including all the dimensions of embodied interaction (see p 174 in Kirmayer68). Philosophy and specifically phenomenology can also offer a way of grasping the transformations—subtle and profound—to embodiment and ‘enworldedness’ in illness.59 70 The ‘Phenomenological Toolkit for Patients’ currently being developed by philosopher Havi Carel has the potential to offer patients new resources for framing and communicating their experiences in ways which do not presuppose an orientation towards storytelling or narrative self-presentation. Drawing on the work of Merleau-Ponty and Husserl, Carel aims to provide patients with the tools to undertake their own philosophical reflection; at the same time, her workshops will use a range of media, including film and music, to encourage non-linguistic forms of self-expression. A third example, this time from the visual arts, also reminds us that language is not the only medium for communicating matters of medicine, health and illness. Photographer Deborah Padfield's work on visualising pain is a strong example of how creative processes structured around images, visual symbols and spatial composition can have profound therapeutic effects as well as produce powerful aesthetic works.71

The work of Kirmayer, Carel and Padfield suggests that metaphor, phenomenology and photography might be useful ‘ways in’ to the meanings of experience generally and of illness specifically, avenues of exploration which might well intersect with or contribute to narrative but do not take storytelling as the starting-point or telos. As Paul Ulhas Macneill shows in his article on the challenging relationship between art and medicine,72 the work of the body-modifying, cyborgian performance artists Stelarc and Orlan suggests even more innovative and extreme ways of exploring the discontinuities and disruptions of embodied self-experience. Their performances, and postmodern and posthuman theory with which they are in dialogue, resist the principle comforts of narrative—continuity, closure and containment—in the pursuit of the paradoxical, the ambiguous and undecidable.

Mark Freeman has observed that “Whether we're narrativists or antinarrativists, the pressure for meaning, for significance, remains much the same” (p 175 in Freeman73). The final point I wish to consider is the extent to which being ‘against narrativity’ actually encompasses a deeper resistance towards this pressure, this imperative to find life meaningful. In his polemical book End of Story: Toward an Annihilation of Language and History, philosopher Crispin Sartwell reminds us that:

Narrative comes apart at the extremes… it comes apart in ecstasy, in writhing pain, at death. But it has already also come apart everywhere, all the time, wherever people are breathing, or walking around, or watching TV, and not getting anywhere narratively speaking. What narrative is inadequate to is not just the shattering moment, but the moment of indifference…. Pull yourself away from significance for a moment and let yourself feel the sweet, deep, all-enveloping insignificance all around you. And take comfort in your own insignificance; take comfort in the triviality of your culture; take comfort in the triviality of your life-project and your failure in realizing it. (p 65 in Sartwell67)

Sartwell's work, like Strawson's, may not ultimately prove comforting to many in the field of the medical humanities, but the discomfort it produces I hope would be an inspiration for some.

Conclusion

As the corpus of articles on narrative in Medical Humanities Journal alone attests, the importance of narrative to the understanding and even treatment of illness should not be underestimated. Narrative, or, rather, the wealth of possible forms of storytelling and framing of experience brought together under its elusive sign, is a vehicle for foregrounding those qualities of personhood so often thought to be excluded from the narrow biomedical approach to medicine and disease (see p viii in Sacks74). But it is not the only one. This paper has argued against the claim that “constituting an identity requires that an individual conceive of his [sic] life having the form and the logic of a story—more specifically, the story of a person's life—where ‘story’ is understood as a conventional, linear narrative” (p 96 in Schechtman, emphasis added75), and the related idea that illness specifically calls for or requires stories (see p 2 in Frank3). ‘Against Narrativity’ makes a moral appeal to philosophers and, as I have suggested, scholars and practitioners in the medical humanities, to guard against “needlessly and wrongly distress[ing] those who do not fit their model”. If we limit ourselves to specific forms of narrative, and to narrativity per se, we run the risk of both isolating and distressing people, such as Strawson, who conceive of themselves as ‘Episodics’, and of shutting down the very diversity of perspectives and forms of self-expression it has long been the task of the humanities, arts and social sciences to argue are vital in the context of medicine and healthcare.

References

1. ↵Brody H. Stories of Sickness. New Haven: Yale University Press, 1987.

1. ↵Kleinman A. The Illness Narratives: Suffering, Healing, and the Human Condition. New York: Basic Books, 1988.

1. ↵Frank A. The Wounded Storyteller: Body, Illness, and Ethics. Chicago and London: University of Chicago Press, 1995.

1. 1. ↵Mattingly C, Garro LCHunt L. Strategic suffering: illness narratives as social empowerment among mexican cancer patients. In: Mattingly C, Garro LC, eds. Narrative and the Cultural Construction of Illness and Healing. Berkeley and Los Angeles: University of California Press, 2000:88–107.Google Scholar

1. ↵Ramírez-Esparza N, Pennebaker JW. Do good stories produce good health? Exploring words, language, and culture. Narrative Inquiry 2006;16:211–19.CrossRefWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Peterkin AD, Prettyman AA. Finding a voice: revisiting the history of therapeutic writing. Med Humanities 2009;2009:80–8.Google Scholar

1. ↵Montgomery K. Doctors' Stories: The Narrative Structure of Medical Knowledge. Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1993.

1. ↵Greenhalgh T, Hurwitz B, eds. Narrative Based Medicine: Dialogue and Discourse in Clinical Practice. London: BMJ Books, 1998.

1. 1. ↵Mattingly C, Garro LCGood BJ, Good MJD. 'Fiction' and 'historicity' in doctors' stories: social and narrative dimensions of learning medicine. In: Mattingly C, Garro LC, eds. Narrative and the Cultural Construction of Illness and Healing. Berkeley and Los Angeles: University of California Press, 2000:50–69.Google Scholar

1. 1. ↵Mattingly C, Garro LCPollock D. Physician autobiography: narrative and the social history of medicine. In: Mattingly C, Garro LC, eds. Narrative and the Cultural Construction of Illness and Healing. Berkeley and Los Angeles: University of California Press, 2000:108–27.Google Scholar

1. ↵Charon R. The self-telling body. Narrat Inq 2006;16:191–200.CrossRefWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Charon R. Listening for the Self-Telling Body. Caring for the Caregiver. Manchester, New Hampshire: Literature & Medicine National Conference, 2007.

1. ↵Charon R. Narrative Medicine: Honoring the Stories of Illness. New York: Oxford University Press, 2008.

1. ↵Hurwitz B, Greenhalgh T, Skultans V, eds. Narrative Research in Health and Illness. London: Blackwell, 2004.

1. ↵Davidson L. Living Outside Mental Illness: Qualitative Studies of Recovery in Schizophrenia. New York: New York University Press, 2003.

1. ↵Cohen B. Mental Health User Narratives: New Perspectives on Illness and Recovery. Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan, 2008.

1. ↵Frank A. The standpoint of the storyteller. Qual Health Res 2000;10:354–65.Abstract/FREE Full TextGoogle Scholar

1. 1. ↵Hutto DDHutto DD. Narrative and understanding persons. In: Hutto DD, ed. Narrative and Understanding Persons. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2007.Google Scholar

1. 1. ↵Mattingly C, Garro LCWikan U. With life in one's lap: the story of an eye/I. In: Mattingly C, Garro LC, eds. Narrative and the Cultural Construction of Illness and Healing. Berkeley and Los Angeles: University of California Press, 2000:212–36.Google Scholar

1. 1. ↵Mattingly C, Garro LCGarro LC, Mattingly C. Narrative as construct and construction. In: MattinglyC, Garro LC, eds. Narrative and the Cultural Construction of Illness and Healing. Berkeley and Los Angeles: University of California Press, 2000:1–49.Google Scholar

1. 1. ↵Gunaratnam Y, Oliviere DPaley J. Narrative machinery. In: Gunaratnam Y, Oliviere D, eds. Narrative and Stories in Health Care: Illness, Dying and Bereavement. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2009:17–32.Google Scholar

1. ↵Georgakopoulou A. Thinking big with small stories in narrative and identity analysis. Narrat Inq2006;16:122–30.CrossRefWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Freeman M. Life ‘on holiday?’ In defense of big stories. Narrat Inq 2006;16:131–8.CrossRefWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Bamberg M. Stories: big or small: why do we care? Narrat Inq 2006;16:139–47.CrossRefWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Bamberg M. Who am I? Narration and its contribution to self and identity. Theor Psychol2011;21:3–23.Abstract/FREE Full TextGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Bamberg M. Who am I? Big or small—shallow or deep? Theor Psychol 2011;21:122–9.Abstract/FREE Full TextGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Schachter EP. Narrative identity construction as a goal-oriented endeavor: reframing the issue of "big vs. small" story research. Theor Psychol 2011;21:107–13.Abstract/FREE Full TextGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Freeman M. Stories, big and small: toward a synthesis. Theor Psychol 2011;21:114–21.Abstract/FREE Full TextGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Atkinson P. Narrative turn or blind alley? Qual Health Res 1997;7:325–44.Abstract/FREE Full TextGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Thomas C. Negotiating the contested terrain of narrative methods in illness contexts. Sociol Health Illn 2010;32:647–60.CrossRefPubMedWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Atkinson P. The contested terrain of narrative analysis—an appreciative response. Sociol Health Illn 2010;32:661–7.CrossRefPubMedWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Frank A. In defence of narrative exceptionalism. Sociol Health Illn 2010;32:661–7.CrossRefPubMedWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Bochner AP. Resisting the mystification of narrative inquiry: unmasking the real conflict between story analysts and storytellers. Sociol Health Illn 2010;32:661–7.CrossRefPubMedWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. 1. ↵Mattingly C, Garro LCMattingly C. Emergent narratives. In: Mattingly C, Garro LC, eds. Narrative and the Cultural Construction of Illness and Healing. Berkeley and Los Angeles: University of California Press, 2000:181–211.Google Scholar

1. ↵Skultans V. Culture and dialogue in medical psychiatric narratives. Anthropol Med 2003;10:155–65.CrossRefGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Atkinson P, Delamont S. Rescuing narrative from qualitative research. Narrat Inq 2006;16:164–72.CrossRefWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Atkinson P. Illness narratives revisited: the failure of narrative reductionism. Soc Res Online2009;14.Google Scholar

1. ↵Olsen LG, Terry W. The missing future tense in medical narrative. Med Humanities 2006;32:88–91.Abstract/FREE Full TextGoogle Scholar

1. 1. ↵Hyvärinen M, Hydén LC, Saarenheimo M, et al.Hyvärinen M, Hydén LC, Saarenheimo M, et al. Beyond narrative coherence: an introduction. In: Hyvärinen M, Hydén LC, Saarenheimo M, et al., eds. Beyond Narrative Coherence. Amsterdam/Philadelphia: John Benjamins Publishing Company, 2010.Google Scholar

1. 1. ↵Hurwitz B, Greenhalgh T, Skultans VGabriel Y. The voice of experience and the voice of the expert – Can they speak to each other? In: Hurwitz B, Greenhalgh T, Skultans V, eds. Narrative Research in Health and Illness. London: Blackwell, 2004.Google Scholar

1. 1. ↵Hurwitz B, Greenhalgh T, Skultans VHurwitz B, Greenhalgh T, Skultans V. Introduction. In: HurwitzB, Greenhalgh T, Skultans V, eds. Narrative Research in Health and Illness. London: Blackwell, 2004.Google Scholar

1. ↵Hawkins AH. Reconstructing Illness: Studies in Pathography. 2nd edn. West Lafeyette: Purdue University Press, 1999.

1. ↵Hanninen V, Koski-Jannes A. Narratives of recovery from addictive behaviours. Addiction1999;94:1837–48.CrossRefPubMedWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Frow J. Genre. London, New York: Routledge, 2006.

1. ↵Smith B, Sparkes AC. Narrative inquiry in psychology: exploring the tensions within. Qual Res Psychol 2006;3:169–92.CrossRefGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Strawson G. Against narrativity. Ratio 2004;17:428–52.CrossRefWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵MacIntyre A. After Virtue. London: Duckworth, 1981.

1. ↵Taylor C. Sources of the Self. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1989.

1. ↵Bruner J. Acts of Meaning. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1990.

1. ↵Ricoeur P. Time and Narrative, Volume 1 (Time & Narrative). Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1990.

1. ↵Campbell J. Past, Space, and Self. Cambridge, MA: MIT Press, 1994.

1. ↵Phelan J. Editor's column: who's here? Thoughts on narrative identity and narrative imperialism. Narrative 2005;13:205–10.CrossRefWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Battersby JL. Narrativity, self, and self-representation. Narrative 2006;14:27–44.CrossRefWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Tammi P. Against narrative ("a boring story"). Partial answers. Partial Answ 2006;4:19–40.Web of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. 1. ↵Hutto DDSchechtman M. Basic survival: a refinement and defense of the narrative view. In: HuttoDD, ed. Narrative and Understanding Persons. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2007.Google Scholar

1. ↵Mackenzie C, Poltera J. Narrative integration, fragmented selves, and autonomy. Hypatia2010;25:32–54.Google Scholar

1. 1. ↵Carel H, Cooper RWoods A. Beyond the wounded storyteller: rethinking narrativity, illness and embodied self-experience. In: Carel H, Cooper R, eds. Contemporary Topics in Philosophy of Medicine. Newcastle: Acumen. In Press.

1. ↵Toombs SK. The temporality of illness: four levels of experience. Theor Med 1990;11:227–41.CrossRefPubMedGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Carel H. Phenomenology and its application in medicine. Theor Med Bioeth 2011;32:33–46.CrossRefPubMedGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Frank A. Letting Stories Breathe: A Socio-Narratology. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2010.

1. ↵Schiff B. The promise (and challenge) of an innovative narrative psychology. Narrat Inq2006;16:19–27.CrossRefWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Holt T. Narrative medicine and negative capability. Lit Med 2004;23:318–33.PubMedGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Linde C. Life Stories: The Creation Of Coherence. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1993.

1. ↵Watters E. Crazy Like Us: The Globalization of the American Psyche. New York: Free Press, 2010.

1. ↵Scott A, Wilson L. Valued identities and deficit identities: wellness recovery action planning and self-management in mental health. Nurs Inq 2011;18:40–9.CrossRefPubMedGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Garden R. Disability and narrative: new directions for medicine and the medical humanities. Med Humanit 2010;36:70–4.Abstract/FREE Full TextGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Sartwell C. End of Story: Toward an Annihilation of Language and History. Albany: State University of New York Press, 2000.

1. 1. ↵Mattingly C, Garro LCKirmayer LJ. Broken narratives: clinical encounters and the poetics of illness experience. In: Mattingly C, Garro LC, eds. Narrative and the Cultural Construction of Illness and Healing. Berkeley and Los Angeles: University of California Press, 2000:153–80.Google Scholar

1. ↵Kirmayer LJ. The body's insistence on meaning: metaphor as presentation and representation in illness. Med Anthropol Q 1992;6:323–46.CrossRefWeb of ScienceGoogle Scholar

1. ↵Carel H. Illness. Stocksfield: Acumen, 2008.

1. ↵Padfield D, Hurwitz B, Pither C. Perceptions of Pain. London: Dewi Lewis Publishing, 2003.

1. ↵Macneill PU. Art and medicine: a challenging relationship. Med Humanit 2011;37:85–90.Abstract/FREE Full TextGoogle Scholar

1. 1. ↵Hydén L-C, Brockmeier JFreeman M. Beyond narrative: dementia's tragic promise. In: Hydén L-C, Brockmeier J, eds. Health, Illness and Culture: Broken Narratives. London and New York: Routledge, 2008.Google Scholar

1. ↵Sacks O. The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat And Other Clinical Tales. New York: Perennial Library, 1987.

1. ↵Schechtman M. The Constitution of Selves. Ithaca: Cornell University Press, 1996.

[theunbowedwoman]

Love is love is love is love is...

Dear Mom,

Several year ago, I went to see a therapist to cope with the aftermath of your and Peter’s passing. One of the things she suggested was for me to write letters to you, dad, and Peter about anything I wanted. I really liked that idea and writing those letters proved to be a great catharsis. I still have those letters and read them once in a blue moon to remind me of where I was and how far I’ve come.

It occurred to me that doing such an exercise shouldn’t be limited to any specific period in one’s life, and in an odd way, it also reminded me a lot of when I was younger and had a pen pal (yes, remember those--we actually put pen on paper, stuffed the letter in an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mailed the letter!). It’s been nearly a decade since I wrote my letter to you, and I think we’re long overdue for another.

Mom, I’m careening toward 50, and with any luck and Buddha’s will, I will live to see that age. I’m not being morose but realistic. Believe me, I know all too well the pitfall of assuming something will happen and the heartbreak when it doesn’t. As I hopefully approach that milestone, mom, I still can’t believe you won’t be here to experience it with me.

In losing you, mom, I lost such a big part of myself that I will never gain back. It’s ok--I long ago accepted that, and also that sadness will always occupy a fraction of my life. And oddly enough, it’s made me realize and cherish all the sweet moments I’ve had after you left--and there have been some!--that much more sweeter and memorable. It’s hard to describe, but since losing you and Peter, I feel things so much more intensely. And me being me--generally optimistic and hopeful--I’ve chosen to feel the good things in life more intensely than the bad.

Mom, when I think back, I realized that you were not perfect. But was I the perfect daughter? Far from it. I think one of the saddest things in American society now is that children expect their parents to be perfect, parents want to be everything for their children, and people expect their partners to fulfill everything in them. It’s no wonder that so many of us are breaking under this unfair pressure, and the winners are...psychiatrists and psychologists and pharmarectucal companies.

No, mom, you dared to be imperfect and to have a mind of your own, and in so doing, you showed me the importance of being oneself and not just doing or saying the politically correct thing and following the crowd. The most important thing you imparted in me--and the thing that probably gave me the confidence I have today--is that I knew your love for me was unlimited and span the passage of time. I always knew that if I fell, you would be there to pick me up, to hold me, to shelter me. You saw the imperfections in me--in all of your children (does anyone know more about her children’s faults than a mother?)--and you loved me nonetheless. You accepted me, warts and all, yet you also let me know the things I needed to improve, if I were to have successful relationships in life.  And I listened to you and absorbed what you said, because I knew you had my best interests at heart, like no other. 

Mom, you were--and will continue to be--the love of my life. I’ve been extremely fortunate to have had a few earth-shattering, groundbreaking, heart-pounding loves since you, but even in the throes of those experiences, I’ve always known that none of them compares to my love for you, and vice versa. How incredibly lucky am I, to never have to search for the love of my life, but to have immediately found it, upon birth! Life gives many an unfair start, and in this, the god of benevolence definitely shone on me.

Mom, so much has happened since you’ve gone, and I frequently wonder what you would have made of it all. My life did not turn out the way I expected--FAR from it, my god. You know I was not the kind of person to run to you with my problems, but how comforting it was to simply know you were there. I think of all the things I miss about having you here, and knowing that I’ll never have someone rooting for me as hard as you did, mom, is one of the toughest things I have to bear. 

But you know me, mom--I’m not a whiner. Plus, in terms of family, I definitely came out on the winning side. 

When I think about us, I think about a love story that withstand the passage of time. I think about how I came into this world, in a rivulet of fluid and liquid--and love. I tumbled out of you, mom, confused, yelling, crying. And in that moment and all the moments since then, you set me right. You watched me fall numerous times and didn’t offer to pick me up, because we both knew you didn’t have to. It was left unspoken that you would be there for me, should I seek you succor, and that was enough. Our was an unconventionally tender relationship, and it felt like we were telepathically connected to one another. I think it was the unseen umbilical cord that is never truly cut between a mom and her child.

Lest you think that this is a story only about sunshine and unicorns, I want you to know, mom, that many days it’s been a struggle. The downside of having found the love of one’s life so early is losing it so early. After all, where do I go from here? When I know that I’ve had the ultimate love and no other will compare? Sometimes, if I really allow myself to, I would start thinking that I’m just passing time in this realm, until I leave it and see you again, mom. 

But then I think, how dreadful. What a horrible way to live and to think. And also--you raised me to be more than this, mom. You raised me to be self-sufficient, confident--definitely not someone who’s just living to live but living to love, to experience, to question, to doubt, to accept. 

Mom, you inculcated in me an indomitable spirit, because you were one yourself. 

I recall asking dad shortly after you passed, “did mom know I love her?,” to which dad replied immediately, “of course she did.” But mom, I so wish I had said those three wondrous words to you more often while you were here. Because truly you know by now. My god, it overwhelms even me sometimes how much I love you. I will never know what it’s like to love my own child, but in an odd way, I do know, because I’ve experienced your love for me. And certainly, from where I stand, it’s been a privilege to be your daughter and to love you.

As Lin-Manuel Miranda said, “Love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love, cannot be killed or swept aside.” 

Mom, I love you to the end of time and beyond. Till we meet again, mom.

Till we meet again.