#i spent... too long writing this. i am a perfectionist and it is still not done.

[elekinetic]

wip wonday

[gaypirate420]

Curiosity here: {Discussion}

If you could re-write Jasper but keep 2 things about him, what would you keep? Besides appearance and gift! How would you explore this new version of Jasper?

For me, I'd keep his army past and Alice. But I'd explore how he changes over time and comes to realize how bad being on the Confederate side & being racist is. (I think you get it I'm trying to keep this short.)

Such as what makes him change and how he copes with his new understanding, and y'know the whole process of that.

Ofc, she comes into play too, maybe she's the catalyst that gets him to thinkin' about the topic at the surface, but it eventually goes deeper as she overtime explains things to him, and he thinks further on his own. IDK BRO I'm just thinking and wanted to read what you'd do. {Have a discussion.}

I'd change him shacking up w/ the Cullens though...or maybe their relationships with each other. I'd love to explore everything basically around canon while still being divergent to an extent. (Canon Related?)

He'd be the main character, but I think you already knew that if you read or at least skimmed this. But I have a terrible fear of people misunderstanding me. (⊙﹏⊙)

But yeah, I was just curious! I know a lot of people have done all sorts of things with him in Fics regarding his past and such, but I do always enjoy reading your responses to things.

This is just a purely hypothetical discussion. {If this was ever made that would be ambitious as hell cause like mf is like... 150 years old!}

I don't even want to think about all that time, and they never sleep either so like holy hell. So many moments of introspection and guilt and etc. to write I'd have a mental collapse. {But that's me when I write anything but also editing sucks ass.}

But not to mention ofc the huge amounts of research everything would take, and I am a huge perfectionist.

-Sincerely a mutual who tried to ask a few questions then freaked out over my own questions.

I'm making this anon now because I fear this ask now.

I think we have the same idea dear mutual!

(this is so fucking long omg I went off the rails, let me know what y'all think.)

I wouldn't rewrite anything, I'll just play it differently, I'll give it a nice depth.

I've always been on the side that just rewrite or ignore Jasper's confederate past is- not ideal. Yeah it's okay for a silly little comfort fic with your favorite vampire but not when talking about his actual canon characterization.

I would keep him serving for the Confederate army. I know a lot of people don't like that about him, but, I think it's a huge part of his character but there was something lacking there.

And what was missing is guilt.

Jasper, as to how he is written, and how we see the scenes of his past are played on both the book and the movie makes him look like he wasn't ashamed of his racist past or that he was even still prideful for it.

And it's so weird for me, how could this man who spent a century long depression, a self described "monster" a "nightmare" that just floods with self loathing couldn't feel guilty for not only taking someone's life but their freedom?

How could he feel guilty over killing the newborns but not black people? It doesn't make sense and it makes it worse, it makes you think that he, in modern times, it's still a confederate and also because vampires are "mentally frozen." He's not changed that much really then.

(I think Jasper lacking guilt and remorse about these fact about him is because of SM and her own views she not so subtlety spread all over her books though.)

So yes, I am keeping him as an ex-confederate soldier. Jasper was 17 so we are just to assume he was ignorant, and that's okay, we can live with an ignorant white boy for now. I cannot stress enough about how there is no need to make mental flips and splits to justify this choice of thinking in a 17 y/o southern boy from the 1840's. But, he gets to change, he, after the first years of him killing the newborns reflects about this, he might not be completely educated but he has the spirit.

Now let's talk about Alice.

I love her, but, if we are really analysing this then her and therefore the rest of the Cullens (because they welcome her and Jasper on their family) are okay with Jasper serving for the confederacy and I don't like that.

Why did Alice make him feel hope and all this shit and get him to change and learn a new life but didn't make him reflect on that maybe, perhaps, fighting for the enslavement of an entire race wasn't a good thing to do.

She says "you'll never be that again." referring to him being a vampire killing machine, not a racist, may I remind y'all.

So, I think the change would be about Alice teaching him things, Jasper spent so much time with Maria and then he was seriously depressed, I get the idea he wasn't interested on- going outside besides to feed from humans.

I think there are two types of vampires, those who love seeing humanity grow and change and come up with all these little inventions and then the ones who just see humans as prey.

Alice being the first and Jasper the second, but not for long after he meets her.

I think Alice could update him about the modern world that was the 50's, she would educate her that yes, Jasper's gentlemanly ways are charming and make her blush and giggle but there are some comments that aren't okay, just because in "his time" it was "okay", "funny" or "right", to say these things doesn't make them less offensive, dismissive and hurtful.

Alice would ask Jasper what did he felt while serving? And why? Was he even fully aware of what he was fighting for? Did the years of him seeing countless human's fight and go to wars that got bloodier and more destructive made him stop and think about the damage of his own army career?

Make the man reflect. Make him think for days and days about these questions he asked himself but never truly took the time to answer them. I need Jasper to have a slight mental breakdown before he gets to know the more peaceful life with the Cullens and Alice.

Alice asked these questions in her endless curiosity, not in innocence, but rather to know Jasper, really know him and understand him.

I want him to feel disgusted about having to feed from humans now that he realizes how much harm he did, and that's were the Cullens come in, Alice knows about her new family of course and it's more than excited to know her mate wants this life too, not because oh he's so in love with her he'll do anything (he is) but because he wants to change.

Carlisle let's him stay because he knows this, he understands in a way and he can't help but sympathize with him and Alice wanting to change herself and help her partner.

But Jasper can't fully because his body is asking him to kill constantly. He doesn't want to keep harming people, but his body can't forget, not only his body it's scarred as a reminder, but there's this annoying bloodlust that doesn't want to go away just yet.

But he has Alice, holding his hand and make him feel like everything will be alright.

Jasper is struggling but he is changing, he is getting more and more mental peace, finally, after a century and a half. It's slow, it's painful but it's there, self forgiveness and change.

One of the things that I love, a concept, Jasper being into philosophy, history and just literature, him loving to learn.

I love that in Breaking Dawn Jasper wanted to help Bella with her thirst. And of course I love him being hurt when she's way more successful than he is after so many years.

Seeing someone who you share the same experiences is so amazing, it helps you, but seeing them overcome this challenges that you also endure it brings you down on such a horrible way, it hurts you, but it makes you think of who you were before and how much you have accomplished. How much you've changed and that's my take on Jasper Hale.

I am not normal about him.

Also, I think I would change vampires not being able to sleep or cry, I think Jasper deserves both, as a treat :). I love him.

[dreamingbrownie]

Rewrite your stories until they tell you the truth.

This quote from Cornelia Funke in a Zoom Q&A I had the honour to be part of last January has genuinely changed the way I write. For those of you outside the German-speaking countries; Cornelia Funke is one of Germany's most popular teenage- and young adult novel authors, her bibliography at this point eclipses that of some history professors of mine, and her books are what got me into writing 15 years ago. I'm 26 now, so like many of us in fandom spaces, I started very young, got around a lot on the internet, and had my fair share of creator burnout over the years. I also have ADHD, unmedicated for a lot of reasons I won't get into here, so the wip curse is strong in me. I currently have three big longfic wips in three different fandoms - Yuri on Ice, Fantastic Beasts and Merlin BBC - all of which are just lacking the ending. I have worked on all of those for more than a year and a half now. Up until a few days ago, I felt like What few still understand, my House of the Dragon Long Night do-over, would become one of them.

Being on tumblr for something upwards of eight years now (and having created a tumblr account for the sole reason to keep up with the Sherlock BBC Season 4 speculations ahead of the disastrous launch), I have seen a variation on the "we are authors, not creators, for fuck's sake stop capitalizing fandom" post every other week on here for years now. And as wholeheartedly as I agree with that statement, somehow I failed to internalize it. To make it true for myself, for my works, the time and effort I put into them. I don't know if university has made me a chronic perfectionist or the rejection sensitivity aspect of ADHD, either way, I have a high standard for my own work inside and outside of fandom, which isn't a bad thing persé but lately i have found myself dissatisfied with my works as I was writing them. Coming back to them a couple days afterwards usually shows me what sections really do work and what needs editing.

"Re-write your stories until they tell you the truth" - I was never a fan of thinking of a story as a first draft, as the sand you just build your castle out of the second or even third go-around. Writing long fanfictions takes enough time as is, and living with chronic pain especially in my arms, I probably should be writing less than I already am. But this time, with What few still understand, I really tried to follow that advice from one of the authors I admire most in the world: Why does this conversation between three characters feel off? Why do I keep working on it in the back of my head like nagging a loose tooth on the way to work, why does this scene feel wrong days after I have written it? Why did I keep procrastinating the finale? (Because I hate writing battles. That's why.) Now, recently I have been reading everything dear Cecil (@softest-punk) over in the Sandman fandom puts out, and one thing they said a while ago also really stuck with me: Fanfiction isn't the published book world (thank the stars), so we're all just playing doll together. We can have our cake and eat it too. And somehow, this clashes with my perfectionism despite that it resonates with me so much.

So, lately I have been trying to find the golden middle for myself. At which point am I satisfied enough with my writing that I can publish it online and be okay with the result, and what does it take to get to that point without obsessing over the details? How do I get rid of the demon of doubt on my shoulder making the pain worse because I spent too many hours on my laptop pouring over the Targaryen family dynamics in this fix-it world I accidentally created? Let's leave aside this volatile fandom making my anxiety over publishing worse; what I am hoping to achieve is to brighten some people's day. If I am yanking on their heartstrings in the process, promise there's always a happy ending waiting at the end of my stories. I just have to find that happy ending to my own creation process, and that is going to take time, I suppose.

[sam-glade]

Hi, Sam! Happy STS! :D So how much do you think about worldbuilding when writing? How do you fit worldbuilding into your work?

Hi Jax, thank you for the question💜 Oooh, worldbuilding, my favourite.

The answer is: I think about it way too much. This may get long, but I'm too excited about the topic.

I'm an incorrigible perfectionist, and I like my setting to make sense (to me - which is a tall order). I like delving into various rabbit holes, understanding why certain phenomena occurred in history, and figuring out whether they can be reflected in my setting. So e.g. legendary figures live forever? That means that the Sun King doesn't need an heir. It's definitely not going to have consequences in Prodigal Children. The Sunblessed Realm's politics are reclusive and non-expansive? Great, they have a reason not to have tomatoes and potatoes.

I've spent about 2 hours researching street lighting, to write this sentence:

It was a warm summer night, fairly light, with a waxing moon shining orange-yellow, and spirit of coal burning in the street lamps to match.

SImilarly, for the avian planet in The Fulcrum, I have borrowed a stack of books on evolution from the Biology Department where a relative of mine works, and I keep pestering them with questions about the hypothetical paths evolution could have taken.

And to be absolutely clear: I LOVE IT. I enjoy worldbuilding so much that I consider it as a tangentially related hobby to writing, and sometimes my stories end up being what they are just to showcase the world. And I use it to explore the real world, and then organise the information I've learnt in my mind.

How do I fit it in - now that's also interesting. The Stormlight Archive is a major inspiration here, with a lot of terms being thrown at the reader, without much description around the time they're first used (thinking of spren and crem, and rockbuds). I love piecing together bits of information, and the satisfaction that comes from finally getting the full picture.

And I'm very happy to leave it up to the readers to fill in the details. In fact, I'd be very curious about how they do it and what they come up with. If it's not on page, they won't be wrong.

So e.g. all I've described about first shearings is:

Marta's hair was falling out of an attempt at a single braid — her first shearing took place not even two years ago, marking her coming of age at thirty-five, and her hair barely reached past her shoulders now.

And later there's a mention that half of the village is preparing the village green to celebrate someone's first shearing. I don't actually describe the ceremony anywhere😅

Or, your only hint that sugar is still considered a luxury, is:

The cakes were delicious, so much finer than the ones offered at the winter fairs back in Aritia, and much, much sweeter, but not as aromatic. Ianim noticed Lissan’s confusion, and quickly explained that they were sweetened with beet sugar, not honey. Lissan gulped at how offhandedly he’d said it.

Note that this is about sugar from beet rather than cane.

But, being the pantser that I am, I discovery-write the plots and consider it a wander through the fictional world. I'll pause and research bits that come up as I develop the story, rather than doing a lot of research (that I might not use) up front.

[anotherdarkiboi]

My Captainsona, Tenebris aka Ten/10!

Template by @patchworkedits. I spent so long on Photoshop making this, and I’m still annoyed that the font for the numbers isn’t the same as the original dossiers (I am a perfectionist lol), but I am too lazy to find it myself or fix it.

A lot more info about him under the cut. Feel free to send asks about him!

Name: Tenebris Materia. "10/Ten" "Captain"/"Cap10"

The crew only address him by rank ("Captain") or title ("sir"). Even once he becomes closer to them, they refuse to call him anything else.

In status reports, some of the crew affectionately addresses him as Cap10, which he doesn't mind. It's become his written nickname now, differentiating him from all the other captains.

This starts a running joke that saying something is a "Cap10 out of 10" means something is beyond 10/10: it's amazing, flawless, very handsome and/or beautiful. Mark made him a custom mug that says it, which he uses on a daily basis.

Pronouns & Gender: He/him, male

Serial Number: T2410

Birthday: 1/8/2051, Capricorn. He's the youngest out of everyone on the bridge at 30 years old.

Sexuality: Demi-Bisexual

Height: 6'3 (Perfect for giving forehead kisses to a certain Head Engineer...)

Love Language: physical touch and words of affirmation

High fives and finger guns all around!

He likes to write little post-it notes on the crew's workstations when he's doing his rounds and they're not there for him to give them feedback in person. Everyone collects these notes and competitively compare/brag about the amount and complimentary messages on them.

Other Details:

• He was born with a naturally high charisma somehow. He plays up his "handsome and/or beautifulness" with an air of confidence and can be flirtatious when he wants to be, but he also feels a sense of imposter syndrome from it. People tend to throw themself at him (even literally), but he doesn't know if people like him because of his status, "looks", or personality.

• Has an impressive resume before ISWM, making him relatively well-known in the space community. Although he has experience in a variety of fields because he wasn't sure about what he wanted to do for a while. He knows a lot of first aid (from doing Pre-Med stuff) and is the crew's go-to therapy friend (he has an MA in Psychology). Then a series of coincidences and opportunities made him fall in love with space, and he hasn't looked back since (although he has a lot of interests outside of it, which can only be unlocked after a certain level of friendship).

• Passionate about their mission and a passionate person in general. He is very proud of his crew :)

• He is basically always wearing a helmet and gloves, and only a select few people have seen his entire face (everyone on the bridge, eventually). He's self conscious, especially because people keep saying he's handsome without ever seeing how he really looks like. Maybe one day he will feel comfortable enough to just wear a face mask just around the ship.

• He gave a briefing about it when he got on the ship and despite wanting to know how his handsome and/or beautiful face looks like, EVERYONE is super respectful and fiercely protective about it. Maybe even too much so. One time one of the crewmembers (the one Danny plays that says "catch me" and falls onto the floor when you arrive) accidentally saw a sliver of the Captain's face while he was drinking something. The crewmate was in tears when he told everyone later that he "betrayed the Captain" and that the glimpse of jawline and lightish-tannish skin was "like looking directly at a quasar". This led to him being interrogated and for poor sketches/fanart of the Captain to be drawn. Mark was totally not jealous that someone else saw part of his Captain's face and not him. Everyone covered their eyes whenever they were near the Captain in the mess hall for the next two weeks, despite him saying it was completely unnecessary. This led to many, many messes and spills.

• Wears an all-black ensemble: black jumpsuit, black sleeveless turtleneck under it, sometimes a black trenchcoat over everything if he's cold or heading to Cryo, helmet, boots, gloves, everything. He has pockets absolutely everywhere and is somehow able to fit his electronic pad in one of them. There is an accent color of silver metal scattered around his buckles and things, but for the most part he looks like a techwear edgelord. Mark likens his aesthetic to space and dreamily sees him as being a part of the stars. Also, opposite aesthetics. Why? Because he's the Captain and he can wear whatever the hell he wants.

• Is a good mediator between Celci's logic and Mark's (and Burt's, and Gunther's) chaos and compromises between the two. He has the weight of the entire crew depending on him after all, and is thoughtful and rational when he makes desicions. Although sometimes he wants to go wild and just go Mark's route.

• Chronically stressed and a workaholic, he collects every ISWM mug in his quarters. However, he doesn't drink coffee even though the ship's AI is programmed to have coffee en route, it's for hot cocoa and Earl Grey and mint tea.

• He's good at giving speeches, but ironically hates public speaking. He is a good communicator in general, but tends to enjoy writing better. When he has to give a toast or something, he'll be pacing his quarters days before and writing it out, muttering to himself.

• Does target practice with Gunther, has a book club with Burt and Celci (Burt always wants poetry and Celci always wants nonfiction while he's more of a fiction/sci-fi guy, so it gets interesting), and is best friends with Mark. He's a bit of an ambivert, and he likes interacting with people until he doesn't, then you can find him hiding somewhere on the ship to get some alone time.

• STRONG LAD. He's lean, but deceptively can and will pick Mark up and sling him over his shoulder and run away. The crew unsuccessfully tries not to stare at his arms when it's hot and he's just wearing a black sleeveless turtleneck and his jumpsuit tied around his waist, comedically still with the helmet on.

• He tops Engineer Mark.

Post-ISWM: (because Angst)

• Changed after the wormhole.

• More withdrawn and quiet, scary when angry (usually about crew doing something to endanger their safety/health). He becomes a lot more overprotective of them.

• Flashbacks and night terrors about losing everyone he cares about and endless loops, broken glass, hurting others and getting hurt.

• Became more an entity rather than human with little regard for his own personal safety with an extremely high pain tolerance.

• People say his eyes glow light blue through his helmet when he's upset.

• He tries to talk to Mack a little more: "Completely random question, what do you think about dictatorships?"

• He has a bad scar on his inner wrist from where crystal was ripped out. It's always wrapped in bandages and constantly emits a dull, throbbing pain no matter what he tries.

• Poor memory. He can't always tell the timelines apart and sometimes mixes up certain events and details (cough, Wilford, cough). The crew carefully corrects him.

• Understandably has a much tenser relationship with Mark. They both try to give each other space after everything that happened, but they also are deeply bonded through their shared trauma and have separation anxiety. Although Mark has it considerably worse, and the Captain deeply cares about and wants to take care of him.

• The crew is mostly worried but lowkey scared of him after. They know something happened with Mark and occasionally get strange flashbacks and dreams about things that never happened, but don't know what.

[the-bi-space-ace]

I would love a behind-the-scenes of Oh, Shut Up. It’s probably my favorite of yours— Echo and Crosshair have such a good dynamic. I go back and re-read it every now and then because it’s so soft and sweet.

🥹 I am honestly SO HYPED that you asked about this one!

This is my first fic on Ao3 and it does have a super special place in my heart. I had an Ao3 account for about a month, writing and rewriting, editing and scraping scenes. I cried a few times over it (goodness I’m dramatic lol) but I was honestly petrified to start posting so I wanted something soft, easy, not too out of the box or outside my comfort zone. Oh, Shut Up is what came out of that.

I originally wasn’t sure I was going to have anyone there to help Echo through it. It’s very early days with the batch and I almost had it be super introspective and bittersweet. Talking about how he deals with his grief by himself and having him talk himself down in a super angsty way but I couldn’t do it I needed to give Echo some comfort.

Once I decided someone needed to comfort him I almost had it be Tech. I was going to have Echo get out of bed and go up to the cockpit and sit next to Tech just for some company and Tech would do what Tech does best: talk. Just talk. I have always thought Echo would find that reassuring, the voices and cadence of people he cares about. To be completely honest: I couldn’t get Tech’s character right. And I am a perfectionist. So it couldn’t be Tech. I thought Crosshair would be an interesting choice for a lot of reasons.

I’ve always seen him as someone who watches and waits, observing and picking apart a problem before making a move and trying to solve it. He also has spent his whole life watching and protecting, since he is their sniper. The rest of the squad are tip toeing around him while Crosshair is not one to beat around the bush. He’s watched the suffering for too long and he knows Echo won’t ask for help, not this early on, not when he is still adjusting. I wanted it to catch Echo completely off guard, having Crosshair be the one who takes that first step. And it was what he needed in that moment so he couldn’t hide it and push it down. The amount of times I have almost written a follow up on this story from Crosshair’s perspective is too many times to count.

I wanted there to be a lot of tension between them throughout it because it really makes the breaking point so much more satisfying. You need a hug, Echo! Let yourself have a damn hug!

Originally I had Crosshair slowly start to encroach into Echo’s space (almost completely unnoticed) until they were laying next to each other talking, slowly luring Echo into falling back asleep. I specifically remember a line I wrote about the morning that followed where Echo realizes he had been tricked into feeling better and is like “that bastard” while Cross says NOTHING about it and is like idk what you’re talking about I did nothing. but I thought it would be so much more effective if Crosshair made him ask for that support instead. Because support is necessary! Really that was a last minute change but pushing Echo to admit he needed help is, truthfully, very good for him. Crosshair is a therapist now 😂

I hope this was a good behind-the-scenes look at this little fic!! I had a lot of fun doing it 😊

[active-mind-15]

✄✎!

Hello again, Stella 😁. Thank you for the asks! I'll just answer these in order.

✄ what’s your editing process?

My editing process really depends on how certain I am about the direction of a chapter. The way I plan chapters is that I write out an outline of bullet points of what I want to occur in chronological order., and then writing the story is just filling in the blanks in between the bullet points. But to actually flesh out a story from one bullet point to another can be difficult if I'm not sure of how I should progress the plot.

So most of the time I'm editing outside of looking for spelling mistakes is spent going back and forth over whether I want to progress the plot through dialogue or through exposition. Sometimes I'll try both methods, writing them out and then deciding which one I want to delete after seeing how well each method reads. It all depends on how quickly I want to progress the plot or how much I want to linger describing something or digging into a character's thoughts or memories related to something.

There are also times when I may not think a line of dialogue or exposition suits the current chapter I'm writing but I'll save it in a document for later if I think it has the potential to be explored in the future.

Sometimes if I write something out and think it might be better to conclude the chapter earlier, then I split it up into multiple chapters. This is why in the same fic my chapters can fluctuate anywhere between 2k and 12k words. It just depends on where I think it's best to leave off.

These days I'm more of a perfectionist about my work so I spend extra long editing it compared to 7 or 8 years ago when I would just type up God knows what and then post it at 5am and tell my readers that I'll get to any spelling and grammatical errors when I wake up. I don't want to go back to that per se, but I do want to go back to not worrying as much about my chapter being "good enough", especially since I've come to realize that my standards for myself are incredibly high.

✎ how do you think readers would guess a fic was yours if you posted anonymously?

I have two answers for this and I gave the first one here, but as for the second one, I think people would be able to tell based on the type of things I write about. No matter which fandom I write for, it seems I always have an inclination to write slice-of-life. There's something I find rather comforting about the mundane, maybe because it's something so intimately familiar to me, but it seems to be one of my favorite genres to write for.

There are some fic writers who can write the most extravagant plots with incredibly fantastical worldbuilding elements that weave so seamlessly together. Some fic writers can write the most action-packed stories that have you gripping the edge of your seat as you read along. Not me, though! I like exploring people in everyday situations. Even if a fic I'm writing isn't strictly 'slice-of-life', it still creeps its way into my work no matter what I do. I like talking about experiences everyone has like shopping for groceries, taking a walk, or getting sick.

It's funny because when I was a kid, whenever my classmates would talk about things they did over the weekend or vacations they went on, they always had the wildest stories to tell, and I would always be self-conscious because all the stories I was excited to tell were so...ordinary. Now that I'm older, I understand that my stories, no matter how ordinary, were equally as valid, and I shouldn't feel any shame for just living a regular life.

It's not every day you go skydiving or attend a crazy house party where people are dancing on the roof. Maybe today I tried a new dinner recipe. Maybe I went shopping. Maybe I organized my closet. Or maybe I just did nothing. And that's fine, too.

But to get back to the main question before I keep derailing, I have a deep affection for slice-of-life. So, if you see an anonymous fic that can take a regular situation and flesh it out into a full-fledged detailed piece of literature, that's probably me.

[lostvi21]

Motivation and an Idea

I am currently trying to draw my characters, but since I kind of struggle with that, I decided to take a break from that today and rather start figuring out how to write about them. Then I realized, it's probably best, if I first introduce the main idea that connects all (/most) of them.

As I started, I had two things: motivation and an idea.

After I played Undertale for the first time, I discovered the huge fandom behind it and realized that the world I loved so much had a whole other dimension to it (literally 😂). I saw the great content people made, like art or music. That made me plant the little seed of motivation into my head. I was thinking, maybe I could make something that great as well.

That was the moment I started to write a story. I didn't feel too confident to draw anything, so the best thing I could do was write. I was really proud of how it turned out. It was pretty basic and stuck to the normal game. I also had this idea (not the one I was talking about up there, but it's important for where I am now) that I was suppressing, since I wanted to focus on my AU.

One evening, I decided to give that idea a chance and after I kept dreaming the entire night about it, I spent the entire morning putting it into words. The phase after that, I call the downfall. My problem is that I am a perfectionist. So I kept rewriting the chapters until I finally managed to break the story for myself. After ten attempts, an almost finished first chapter with thirty pages, almost a year time spent running in circles and a couple other reasons I finally managed to kind of let go. (I still think there could maybe the possibility that I might be able to tell that story, but for now it's best to leave it behind. I also kind of can't let entirely go. For example: I use the main character in my profile pic 😊)

After realizing that I needed to stop since it lead nowhere, I needed something new to be obsessed with. While writing, I also wrote down a couple of ideas for potential later characters. And as I reviewed what I had collected, I realized that two of them would fit quite well as a duo. First, I still wanted to include my old character as well, but I let go of that after another month.

Now, that I've explained my motivation, it's time to present my idea! (... why is this becoming so long? 😅)

I wanted to take the concept of the genocide run in another light. I mean sure, there were so many worlds out there, where people just killed for fun or they didn't have another choice. My first characters lean more into the category of it being an accident. Since this was the main concept I was going by, I called my AU 'Club of Genociders' (by now, I don't really like that name but it still fits and I have currently no better idea how to name it.)

After FINALLY having explained my main concept (and rambling too much 😂) I can tell that this little idea snowballed into such a huge story. I am still struggling to put it all into words, so I figured it's best to share what I have to avoid making the same mistakes again. but what's most important, I love the way everything is evolving. From the characters, over the storyline to major plot twists. I also realized that I keep adding new possible characters to the story (not sure if I'll include them all though. That really depends on how the story turns out.)

If you made it this far, thanks for reading 😊 (I really didn't want to make it that long 😅)

[vargan]

Looking at my Past, Present and Future

May 27, 2023

A letter to my past self

To my high-school me version:

I know you can’t answer this letter I have addressed to you, for you are crystallized in the past. However, I will write this in as part of remembering who we were during high school. We were so short-tempered back then. A little teasing from our classmates irritate us. It was difficult for us to express what our true emotions were, since we always bottle them up. It was sad that we didn’t journal those suppressed emotions in our mind, we could’ve understand ourselves better. Sometimes, we put a mask to conceal what we truly feel so we can feel belonged to the people that surround us. However, in the long run, it damaged my sense of self. At the moment, I have crises of what personality do I hold and what traits am I likable. I feel like what we did made me detach from my sense of self. We should’ve done some self-reflection, yet our actions then became my lesson today (Mcleod, 2023). We didn’t want to show our emotional side because we’ll be judged by others. I had so much regret that we didn’t efficiently use our time to better understand who we are and what we’re good at. Although we’ve spent a little time in learning what we are good at, we easily give up on new things because we can’t accept that we were beginners. No matter how uncomfortable we feel, we always escape that unhinged emotion rather than confront it. We could’ve embraced that uncomfortable feeling and fought it, rather than chicken out. Yet, I still admire that after all those blunders we’ve done, you managed to persevere in the very end. Still, you made me more reflective today, and I send my gratitude for that. No matter how different you are to the me today, I still love the way you are. You try your best to cope bad thoughts in your head. You managed to keep up with everyday things and that’s what I love about you. You had a purpose in mind and a very broad purpose, I must say. To achieve wellness in life, that is. I’ll end my letter in this part. Let’s have another reflective session, my high-school persona.

A letter to my present self

To me,

I hope that you’re doing well, amidst the many situations happening around you. Having a sort of identity crisis, losing your motivation in life, feeling stranded in your own world, and feelings of inferiority and downplay yourself. Although you had so much negative thoughts in mind lately, I want you to remember that you’re doing well lately, even if it’s painful to accept because of your perfectionist mindset.

What I noticed in you was the present you is… warm? You were more friendly compared when you were a teenager and you have been more receptive of your negative thoughts. So receptive that at times when you feel it, you journal it. You weren’t like this in the past and it’s a huge development in yourself. You softened your heart at night when you feel it, then shed tears to relieve it. However, because you have been so fixated with bad feelings, you seem to forget the good aspects you hold. but let me tell you about this - sometimes ruminating is a bad thing. The positive traits you possess are overshadowed and you forget what they are. Still, you try to rediscover what they were by learning different hobbies, but withdraw instantly because you easily get demotivated.

You constantly compare yourself with your friends who are sure of what they want to be and what they’re good at. That’s not a good habit, my friend. I know you aspire to be like them - having ambitions, talents, and whatnot but let me tell you this. You have your own journey to follow and they too, as well. So, if you ever find yourself escaping your fears or being demotivated, I want you to confront it, instead of safeguarding yourself. You safeguard because you fear of failing, being embarrassed, and avoid the pain (PsychologyWriting, 2022). If you ever feel you’re stagnant in life, don’t beat yourself up. You have your own pace and that’s fine. I appreciate that your purpose in life today isn’t about money, unlike when you were 13. You dreamed of achieving self-actualization and internal peace within yourself. Day by day, you do your best to know what you felt, how to improve yourself, and understand your capabilities. Underneath that pessimist facade you hold is your desire to know yourself better. So, keep on practicing that habit of reflecting what happened to your day and understand how situations affect your emotions. Lately, you have been under severe stress that you forgot to rest. You noticed that your mind is foggy all the time, you easily forget lessons, and have a hard time processing information. Please, don’t forget to rest at times and while resting, don’t think of schoolworks. Relax your mind and let the comfort feeling get into you. Remember that success comes from a rested soul. So, don’t skip rest as it helps you think properly. Try meditating or deep breathing exercises. Also, it’s good to slow down at times and speak up with your friends about your stress.

I know that you can overcome the hardships you experience today. I really love that in college, you became more receptive to yourself. You are more expressive in your thoughts and feelings and you strive to be the better version of you. I love that no matter how many times you want to give up, you never give up in the end. I love that you acknowledged your negative traits, unlike when in the past. Whenever you find yourself in the verge of pouring tears, don’t be ashamed to cry. It’s a normal and human response to cry due to external factors.

And please, although it’s good to acknowledge your bad side, I want you to explore your good side as well. Create self-positive talk, write things that made you happy, and as I’ve always mentioned, don’t be afraid to learn something new. Being positive increases your management in stress, improve your psychological health, and reduce depression (Cherry, 2023).

May you continue to find ways in loving yourself. Let’s talk again sometime.

A letter to my Future Self

To my future self,

If you’re reading this, then that means that the fabrics of time and space were altered that made my time travel a success. Kidding aside, I hope that when you read this message, the present me who yearns for self-development has made progress. I still cannot fathom what will I look like in the future, how will I look like, how will I behave, what is my status, and many more to ask. Yet, I envision you as a person that has achieved positive view on self, easily gets motivated, isn’t harsh to himself, easily accepts mistakes, and surrounded by positive people.

Lately, I’ve been doing my best to achieve the future self I set on to myself. However, I feel like I’m lost finding that identity. I try not to be harsh to myself sometimes and accept mistakes. I’ve been doing things that improve my emotional awareness through journals. I look at my behavior responses in every situation, like smiling when hearing positive feedback, panicked when things go dire. I even notice physiological responses in my body when I feel this kind of emotion and take note of it (UWA, 2019). Lately, I think I have been improving in identifying my emotions. The only problem I have is mismanaging stress. It feels like I’ve lost touch with managing stress that it fogs my brain from thinking.

As of now, what only runs within me is to achieve happiness and self-actualization, which is what I envision of my future self. Yet, I still have a long way in striving self-actualization. I want to boost first my self-esteem since I’ve felt not confident of myself for a long time and I want to feel for once, that I’m proud.

So just you wait, my future self. I will soon meet you and let’s keep in touch when we met already. I send you my deepest regards in our fateful encounter.

Word Count: 1,364

REFERENCES:

Cherry, K. (2023, May 4). The Power of Positive Thinking. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-positive-thinking-2794772

Mcleod, S.(2023, May 10). Carl Jung’s Theories: Archetypes, Personality, & Collective Unconscious. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/carl-jung.html#Jungian-Archetypes

PsychologyWriting. (2022, January 30). Adler’s Safe Guarding Tendency: Excuses. PsychologyWriting. https://psychologywriting.com/adlers-safe-guarding-tendency-excuses/

UWA. (2019, June 27). The Science of Emotion: Exploring the Basics of Emotional Psychology. UWA Online. https://online.uwa.edu/news/emotional-psychology/

[icicledream-archive]

part 2 of portal robot size post

(because i am still obsessing over this)

continuation of this post where i posted this image which is a screenshot from this video showcasing the size of portal 2 characters. and also i included my height of 5′3 for fun!

the post got a comment basically saying “model sizes don’t always = canon sizes” and that is indeed true! especially given how the game seems to handle how things look when they’re picked up. personally i can find these sizes believable, especially comparing them to how big glados appears in robot repair vr.

anyways, i’ve been thinking about that comment a lot! like i said, i personally find all these sizes believable, but i wondered how much different they would be if i resized them based on certain robots with canon measurements: atlas and p-body!

these blueprints are shown in portal 2 co-op loading screens! i specifically chose the blueprint of atlas facing the right because the front facing version’s head size seemed to include the frame that holds it, which added little over an inch.

ALSO, this was just something i did for fun! please don’t treat this post as the Definitive Portal Character Sizes Post. personally, as much as i love how huge the in-game model sizes are, i’m going by my resizes from now on because while they’re still decently big, they’re a lot more manageable to draw lol.

if you DO want to use this post as a reference to their sizes, by all means go for it! :D  credit isn’t necessary, but it would be nice just because of how much time i spent on this ;w;/

the rest of this post will be under a read more due to its length!! as a tl;dr, here’s a direct comparison image!

feel free to share your own thoughts and whatnot if you would like!! ^v^ just a few more things before i continue...

THERE WILL BE A PRETTY BIG PORTAL 2 SPOILER GOING FORWARD!

i bolded character names + their heights because it was easier for me to read :o

i did all of this in.... gmod..... because i couldn’t find all of the models i needed, and i couldn’t be bothered to rip models from a freakin’ source game. SO i just, carefully lined everything up in gmod to the best of my ability and took screenshots, which i edited in my art program!! i’m a bit of a perfectionist, so hopefully things aren’t toooo far off... but yeah, just a heads up.

i’m, really bad at math, so not everything will be 100% accurate, especially the full glados size measurements. i used the website mrinitialman and a lot of measurement calculator websites to be sure things seemed alright. still, if there’s errors i apologize!

ANYWAYS let’s go!!

SO, here’s a new size comparison image i made. sorry if my writing isn’t readable! i’ll be restating the important things written on the images as this post goes on ;v;/

p-body is around 6′7.5″ (201.9cm), atlas is around 6′1.3″ (186.2cm).

for chell i decided to go with her height from her heels rather than from her tiptoes. she’s still pretty tall at 5′11″ (180.3cm)!

wheatley’s model is around 2′7″ (78.7cm) in diameter, which is hilariously big and i love it BUT it’s probably not what his actual height is. same goes for the turret’s 4′10″ (147.3), and glados’ head being around 6′10″ (208.3cm) (i do wish these were the For Sure canon heights because glados' full model being ~50' (15.24m) long is so very funny to me. Giant.)

i’ve seen a few people say that atlas and p-body may be based on personality spheres and turrets respectively, and i like to think so too! so i resized wheatley and the turret based on those two. also, considering that wheatley’s model size stays the same size when he is on glados’ body, i resized them at the same time, as their sizes are relative to each other.

anyways with that, here’s my resize!!

as i said: wheatley (and the other cores, of course) ends up being the same size as atlas’ head, so that makes him around 1′8.4″ (51.8cm) in diameter!

the turret ended up being around 3′10.5″ (118.1cm) tall.

glados’ head is around 4′6.4″ (138.2cm)! which makes glados head + body around 18′1.4″ (5.5m), and her entire model around 34′2.8″ (10.43m)! (btw for reference, movie theater screens are generally 30′ (9.14m) tall!!).

aand that’s it for my resizes, really! :O like i said earlier, this is what i'm personally gonna go with for my headcanons and whatnot.

that’s not the end, though. when i went back into gmod to get a screenshot of chassis wheatley, i somehow noticed for the first time that there’s just. straight up smaller models of a core and glados’ head, so i thought “eh! why not!” and measured those out to the best of my ability! here’s the results of that. 

the smaller gmod core model is around 1′3.8″ (40.1cm), and glados’ head is 3′3.6″ (100.6cm)! this would make her head + body be around 13′2.4″ (4.02m), and her entire model around 24′11.3″ (7.6m)! i imagine this is what the “actual sizes” of cores and glados would be? who knows though!

with all of this being done, here’s the quick direct comparison image again :D

oh and also for fun, here’s portal 1 glados’ head compared to the portal 2 glados head models and the resize i did! i always thought the portal 2 glados in portal 1 mod looked weird, turns out it’s because her main p2 model is much bigger than her p1 model!

and well! i don’t really have anything else to say, so that’s the end!

like i said, this is NOT the Definitive Portal Character Sizes Post ;o; i did this entirely for fun!! and even if this was the Definitive Portal Character Sizes Post, you can do whatever you want with these characters and their sizes! but again if you would like to use this post as a reference then by all means, go for it!! :D again, credit isn’t necessary, but it would be nice just because of how much time i spent on this... 

ANYWAYS thanks for reading!!! :D

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Mon 7 June ‘21

Liam’s podcast with Steve Bartlett is out and while I still don’t care about that guy I’ll give him this-- he does great at getting out of the way and letting Liam talk. And boy does Liam talk! Liam says A LOT and let’s all just pause to send him some big hugs before we get into right? And then look to the future- Liam’s routine is to say ‘things have been terrible but it’s fine, it’s fine NOW’, always, even when that is absolutely obviously not true, and today is no different but for once I actually believe some of his hopeful bits too which is so great! I hope things really are shifting for him and I can’t wait to hear this new song of his. But there’s a lot that’s hard to hear too, oh Liam. He said that he and Maya have broken up (so yes, presumably why he just moved again such a short time after they moved into their haunted house), talked about his struggles with his alcoholism (and said he’s been sober for a month right now, go babe!), shared the usual distressing stories about his time in the band and what that was like for him (and how it still impacts him), and he talked about his new song and how it feels different for him than his past solo music. Truly though there is SO MUCH more than I can get into here or then you can get from the UA highlights- I HIGHLY recommend actually watching at least parts of the video, also because the attempt to summarize so much erases all the charm and humor, of which there is much. If you don’t think you want to watch Liam’s interviews, it has to be because you aren’t watching Liam’s interviews, they’re delightful! Plus really if you care about 1D and want information about what it was like for any of them, listen to Liam, he’s the one who’s out there talking about it.

About Maya he said, that yes, he is now single, and “I’ve just been not been very good at relationships,” and “I’m a proper perfectionist… at the start of the relationship you put out this complete false character like I might as well go in in costume, I’m like putting out something that is not there... kind of like encompassing someone else’s life with your crap rather than just doing your thing and laying out your store from day one. That’s my biggest problem is that I feel like I don’t lay out my store... and then I’m annoyed when they don’t like what I like,” and “I think my problem is I struggle to be on my own sometimes... I dive in and out of relationships too quickly. I’ve not spent enough time on my own to relearn about myself.”

He laughs about his tendency to ask his manager things during interviews; “My fans think that Steve is doing something to me, they’re like liberty for Liam because he always looks to Steve, but that’s because I like him. It’s not because he’s harming me as a person. There’s like a hashtag Liberty for Liam because they think I’m some like prison child,” and he also said “my manager’s my best friend,” (and he’s said in the past he is a big support for him) and mentioned stuff they’d talked about recently around his therapeutic awakenings.

He talked about therapy being something you have to want to do and be ready to do rather than being pushed into, like getting sober, and says that this time around with his own therapy work he’s really felt that and thrown himself into it and he talked a lot about his relationship to therapy in connection with band days. “I mean one of our old managers went to therapy from being a manager of One Direction. So if you can imagine how that feels like the rest of us definitely need some.”

“We were young,” he said, “What I found was I didn’t know I was the boss until like a few months ago, I still don’t even feel like I am now, like I’m such a child. And everyone I work with now is older than me and wiser than me and I’m like what the hell am I doing here with these people. When we were 17 I thought the security guard was like in charge of me so I was like Can we leave the room? No? Oh ok then,” and “when we were in the band, the best way to secure us was just lock us in our rooms. And of course what’s in the room? Minibar. So at a certain point, I thought Well I’m gonna have a party for one and that just seemed to carry on throughout many years of my life... You know I spoke to somebody about this in child development as a teen, the one thing you need is freedom to make choices. That we could do anything we wanted it seemed from the outside but we were always locked in a room at night and then it would be car, hotel room, stage, sing, locked. So it’s like they pulled the dust cloth off, let us out for a minute, but then it’s back underneath again,” and “the day the band ended I was like thank the lord for that. And I know a lot of people are going to be mad with me for saying that, but I needed it to stop. It would kill me.” Anyway, he said, because it wouldn’t be Liam without an upbeat coda, “I don’t want any of this to get lost in translation. I’m not 100% moaning about my life... it’s had its ups and its downs, but I would rather talk about it and it’s therapeutic for me.”

And what about that exciting new song? Liam said, “We have a really cool song in the pipeline... one of the first ones I’ve actually written myself- with some other people, I didn’t write it by myself, but it’s the first one I’ve really liked. And I think I got so used used carting around other peoples songs and not embedding myself creatively in what I do because I was so scared to find out who I was,” and “I don’t really know how I would tour again. I really want to” [on discord today he said he would be touring next year] “I always said throughout my solo career I’d let my song book speak to me. And I don’t think my song book spoke to me to get off my ass. I only became a solo artist because I had Strip That Down. I wasn’t gonna do it, I was gonna leave it alone. I was like, I survived it once thank you very much- but I’m back in now. Because the song, I knew it was right. It felt right with that song, I hadn’t had that. This year, the song we have I feel really really great about. So I’d rather let the music do the talking than me come out and force it. We don’t need any more useless music in the world, it needs to mean something,” and he mentioned the new song on the discord a lot too, most notably picking out a long comment that thanked him for making the fan feel supported and safe and for “putting your heart in everything you do” and for his support of the LGBTQ community to respond to with, “I think you will really like the new song.”

A few other random bits, he said that he thinks there should be a system to make therapy available to musicians in the industry, “I think I’m definitely gonna get a dog because I need routine,” and “I recently started jujitsu,” yeah you and everyone else huh, so do him and Louis and Oli go to the same gym or ???, and he acknowledged that as an addict he may have just transferred that to working out “but there’s a lot worse things to be addicted to then looking after yourself” hmm but he does seem to say that he’s doing better around body image stuff; he talks about having put on weight during lockdown and seeing himself in the BAFTAS performance- “I saw myself... and I was like ‘oh my god I’ve completely let myself go in this’. And it was fine...I feel so much more secure in myself now.” Oh and that he’s written a comedic movie script “based around AA” and his experiences there, such as how “I had a really weird AA experience the first time that I went. My first experience was with Russell Brand.” LMAO yes! Cannot wait, bring on auteur Liam please! Anyway as if ALL THAT wasn’t enough he’s also dove into the lead up to his NFT release; he said “I'm almost ready to share my NFTs with you guys... Who wants to see them?” and posted a tiny preview that tells us its (their?) title for the first time- Lonely Bug.

Niall and Anne Marie perform on Jimmy Fallon tonight, and the hype is already a go! I guess it’s prerecorded, as we’re already seeing pictures from it; they’re singing to each other with the cute car from the video in the background. Niall signed on to a letter to Boris Johnson asking for changes to music streaming revenue rules and signed by 232 artists (including all the artists Johnson recently named as his favorites, haha). Zayn signed on to a Billboard petition to the US senate calling for gun safety laws. The bar Zayn got into the fight in front of posted “Zayn's a regular at Amsterdam Billiards and he is a true gentleman. On Thursday night he was confronted by an inebriated passer-by outside on the street and was called a homophobic slur. We support Zayn & condemn homophobia in the strongest terms!” And also PS omg again because it just isn’t going away: Harry’s beauty company is called Pleased As, his name is Harry Edward Styles so yes when listed last name first, as legal documents do, it spells SHE but it is not a “feminist abbreviation” (WHAT? even??) nor the name of the business.

[sunlightwoo]

Maybe In Another Life

☀︎ pairing: soulmate!eric x g.n reader x soulmate!sunwoo

☀︎ genre: soulmate au, best friends to lovers au, there is some hints of fluff, but there is like really heavy angst cause of warning major character death,,, but there is hints of a love triangle going on, and twinge of slow burn in terms of lovers to exes to also strangers to lovers

☀︎ wc: 7.1k

☀︎ plot: you think that it’s strange that your soulmate bond is based on the colors that you are able to see. the more that you’re with them, the more present the colors are said to be. however you notice that the color in your life drains more and more away your life and know that it only happens when someone is falling out of love with the other. could that be the reason why you stopped seeing color with him when you thought that you were soulmates?

☀︎ a/n: this is now... my longest fic up to date and i’m impressed with myself these last few weeks since january when i started this idea but also concerned,, however: IT IS THE 18TH OF MARCH SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD SOOOO happy 19th birthday to me hahaha :) i decided to celebrate my birthday with this painful love triangle i wrote for myself with my ults and to be quite honest guys, no i am not okay HGUSEOGJNAEHSOUGJ anyways, i wrote this based on these two tiktoks : TT TT2 | and i hope that you guys liked reading this as much as i liked writing this!!

[ gina is listening to: daisy - pentagon ]

“He still hasn’t picked you up yet?”

Your head whipped over to look at Haknyeon, your coworker that was finishing up wiping down the last of the tables of the restaurant and you gave him a small smile as you shook your head in response. It had been over an hour since your shift had ended, and usually on days that you’ve had a long shift like today, your boyfriend Eric would have picked up since the busses would not be running that late at night.

“It’s Saturday, he’s probably running a little late at the dance studio today with practice and stuff.” You whisper softly and continue to glance outside the window to see that the rain didn’t want to stop at the fast race it was pouring at.

It wasn’t the first time that your soulmate had been running late from picking you up at work, but you couldn’t blame him. He had been practicing a new choreography that he had been creating with his friends these days and you knew that he was a perfectionist, one that was willing to practice until all of his limbs fell off to make sure that he had gotten all of the moves down in one go.

That was how you met him in the first place, since a mutual friend of yours had introduced you both to one another. It didn’t take long for you both to realize that you were each other’s soulmates until you noticed that your soulmate mark was color, since your life had always been monochrome until you spent more and more time with him. He was the one person that had brought the vibrant colors into your life, and you knew that you were soulmates.

Even though he had often been busy at the dance studio that he was often found at, he always made time for you to go on the little, but meaningful, dates that you always treasured. You remember falling in love with Eric slowly, but surely, as he had been nothing but caring and acting as though you were close to one another long before you had realized that you were soulmates.

And you loved him.

The sound of a car going off brought you back to reality as you notice the car headlights shining past the window and you recognize it to be Eric’s car. After bidding your goodbyes to Haknyeon and grabbing your stuff, you tried to outrun the rain that poured as you had gotten inside the car to see Eric holding a bouquet of flowers in front of himself towards where you were looking at him with a surprised and curious expression.

“What’s the occasion, Sohn?” You teased as you took the bouquet into your own hands, raising your eyebrows at him while he was already giving you a playful look on his face.

“I can’t spoil you once in a while?” He playfully retorts and you jokingly shake your head in response, just as he lets out a quiet laugh and held your hands into his before gently kissing your knuckles, “I just wanted to get them for you, because I know we haven’t been spending, much time together even if we are under the same roof.”

He wasn’t wrong; these last few weeks have been more off than you had felt it where it was days like today that made you think about how distant you were with Eric, compared to when you first started dating. You remember the vibrant colors that flew in when you first met him, remembering that the colors of the sky when it rained were gloomy, but still more colorful than you had imagined with monochrome, and since then you remember all of your colors being more and more full of love and illuminance.

“I love you, Eric.” You say with a small smile on your face, hand still in his as he started to drive once again while you were on your way back home and the three words that were reciprocated from his own lips made you feel full of love.

“I love you, too.”

Or it should’ve, as you weren’t sure what to think of it as you drove home in comfortable silence with your hand being held in his on the gear shift and your other holding the bouquet of flowers. However, what you didn’t notice until that night was that the starry sky looked a little dimmer as you looked out the car window, the moonlight that you had grown loving for its brightness became more dull than what you remembered seeing at night.

You were currently sitting on your couch with your phone in one of your hands, humming to yourself as the other was brushing through the soft locks of Eric’s hair in your lap. The two of you had decided on a lazy day and were currently waiting for your takeout that you had earlier to arrive as today was one of the few weekends that both of your schedules had synched up for a date night at home, and you were excited for it.

Despite the fact that you had thought about the idea of the color draining from the night weeks ago from the sky when you looked outside, all of the remaining colors of your life remained vibrant as you weren’t as worried as you thought it to be. You continue to go through your phone and hum when suddenly a giggle erupts from Eric that you look at him confusedly for a moment, when his eyes locked onto yours in a split second as a small smile paints his face.

“Is there something on my face?” He muses and makes a weird expression that made him look too exaggerated to you as you playfully hit his chest in retaliation, shaking your head in response as you smiled back at him.

But he had never giggled around you like that, not in a while and you were confused as to what might’ve initiated it now.

“No, but I’m guessing one of your friends texted something funny to you that you giggled?”

You watched as his face reddens for a moment at your words, and you were even more curious at what he might’ve been looking at on his phone that made you wonder what he might’ve been giggling about. However, it seems as though he might’ve caught onto your thoughts when he shakes his head in response and suddenly shows you a picture of who you recognized as some of his friends, Sunwoo and Hyunjae from the stories that you’ve heard, messing around at the studio they danced at.

“They’re just being dumb again,” He chuckles and sits up for a moment just as he mentions the both of their mere existences, “Reminds me, Sunwoo is actually coming over to give back the spare clothes that he borrowed the other day because he tore one of his other clothes the other day.”

For almost a split second you were nervous; you had never met any of Eric’s friends except for Haknyeon since you worked together, but in the three years that you had dated and been soulmates with him, you had never met all of his friends that he’s mentioned before. You were pretty sure that they knew of you, considering there were moments that he had come home playfully complaining about how they teased him about your existence, but you were also amused and confused at the very thought of never introducing you to his friends.

Was he embarrassed of having you as his soulmate?

Just as you were about to speak up, the sound of the doorbell rings as you close your lips shut, watching Eric leave from his spot on the couch to grab the front door as it leaves you with your thoughts once more. It drowned out the loud chatter that came from the duo that must’ve been at the door and the more that you had thought about him never introducing you to his friends, the more you wondered how much of your relationship was actually real considering the fact that these last few months, or almost an entire year, you had been having dates in your own home when you were able to have the time to.

“Prove it that your soulmate is real, Eric.” You hear someone say at the door, and you could only assume that it must’ve been Sunwoo, when suddenly the view of the two entering your living room is present in your line of vision.

You smile at the new individual that you had yet to introduce to and let out a small wave, when you notice how he had stood there with a nervous, but also an unknown expression on his face. On the other side of the spectrum stood Sunwoo with his mind suddenly in places that should not be in the areas that they were in.

When he had first heard about his best friend having a soulmate of three years, he wasn’t sure if they were even real because even though they had been friends since high school, never had Sunwoo once seen a picture, or even met the said soulmate that Eric speaks so highly of. However, now that he was standing in your living room seeing that you were real, he feels like he had been struck with cupid’s love arrow mixed in with all the possibilities of soulmates even existing.

All because his mark of the red string was tied to your pinky finger, even though you were already someone else’s soulmate.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Sunwoo, I’ve heard a lot about you.” You softly say and he nods in response, just when he hands over the bag that was slung over his shoulder over to Eric, before turning back towards where you both were standing.

“I’ve heard a lot about you too. Y/N, right?” He reiterates, making you nod in response and think about how you feel just a twinge of guilt from the fact that maybe you overthinking it all earlier and doubt Eric shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

“I’ll go and take my leave, since I am assuming you guys are having a night to yourselves, but don’t let me stop you.” He chuckles awkwardly, turning to greet his friend goodbye and leaves out of your apartment before you could even let out a goodbye, however you thought that maybe you should get to know him more considering that both him and Eric were well friends.

It was one of your goals that you plan on accomplishing and you could only hope that maybe you could understand why the color that was draining from your life was becoming more and more evident. 

“Hey, where are you heading out to?”

The sound of Eric’s voice ringing out from behind you makes you turn around from where you were standing at the front door and you noticed how the colors that were in your vision were duller as his neon pink hair that you knew he had recently dyed became more monochrome. You didn’t want to jump to any more conclusions since the last time that you did had ended up where you both didn’t talk for almost a week and it was because you were scared of what was yet to come.

“I’m just going to grab some lunch with Sunwoo. I thought you had to help Changmin with the choreography today?” You ask as there was a small hum that escaped his lips when he closed the water bottle in his hand with its cap and you wondered why the small glance that he was giving you sent chills down your spine.

“I was going to get ready, but you’re going to hang out with Sunwoo again?” He replies to your question, and you nod in response just as you stood your ground from where you were still standing at the door.

For the past several weeks, you had been hanging out with Sunwoo on the days that you knew Eric would be busy on your free days as you wanted to be friends with him, given the fact that he was Eric’s best friend. However, with the price of somehow spending time with Sunwoo apparently had the cost of the other being more distant, as you found him staying at the dance studio longer than he usually would stay, even if it was later into the night.

Along with the distance that was created between you and Eric, the colors that you once adored while being with him continuously became duller and you knew what it was. You could tell that something was wrong with your soulmate bond with him, and you didn’t want to make the same conclusions that you made the last fight you both had, but who were you to judge when all the color in your life was slowly draining out?

The sound of a car horn brings you out of your stare down with Eric and you watch as he disappears back into the kitchen without another word, leaving a small pang in your heart that left you unsettled just as you decided to walk out the front door. You notice how Sunwoo was giving you a small smile by the time that you had reached his car and mumbles for you to seatbelt just as he starts up the car again.

From Sunwoo’s end, he knows that you were soulmates since he could never ignore the red string that was connecting his pinky to yours. However, he also feels guilty knowing that you were oblivious to that information, along with the fact that you were also somebody else’s, his best friend’s. He doesn’t know when he would ever confess to you that you were soulmates, because he knows that you would probably pick Eric anyways because of how long you’ve been together as a fated pair.

He never would’ve wished it upon himself to be the person to break a soulmate bond, even if it was for his own selfish needs.

Until then, the red string felt like a burning reminder that he almost could’ve had a happy ending, if he had met you sooner. The thoughts of him constantly practicing how to tell you that your soulmates haunted him, as he could never find the right words to say them, which was why his first resort was to ignore and push you out of his life, if you weren’t so insistent on wanting to be friends in the first place.

That was something that he had regretfully, but also selfishly took upon himself. He didn’t want to get close to you because he’s scared of the heartache that comes with being rejected by a soulmate. He knows that those heartaches are known to be deadly to people that yearned for a soulmate, like him, and there were ways for him to get rid of his bond before it was too late, but he also knew that it was unfair to both you and him if he were to sever the red string, being warned that he would never have a soulmate again if he cuts it.

Which was why he chose the selfish way out and continued to get closer to you just as friends, knowing that you were Eric’s soulmate and not his as the two of you were currently grabbing some lunch at a nearby burger and boba joint.

The two of you had planned to come here for days, since the minute that you both heard that it opened closeby to where you worked. Despite the fact that it was raining outside again, you still made sure that today was the day that you got lunch together, because it was the only other time that you knew that you were free before you were swamped with life responsibilities once more.

“The boba is really good here, I think I have a new favorite place now,” You smiled as the cold cup in your hand filled your taste buds with a delicious sweet flavor from the drink in your hands, “You didn’t have to pay for today though. I’ll have to owe you for next time.”

Sunwoo shakes his head at your words with a smile on his face just as he puts down the burger that was in his hands, taking a moment to finish chewing before he could speak again. If anybody were to look at you both from the way that you were unknowingly looking at the other, they might assume that the two of you were on a date, and you couldn’t help but think about Eric again as there was a flash of a frown that appears on your face until you remember that you weren’t out with him right now.

“It’s fine, Y/N. You don’t have to pay me back, today’s my treat, remember?”

You do remember, as the last time you guys talked about grabbing lunch was the day that you and Eric fought as he walked out the front door to cool off. That night you had called Sunwoo to see if the latter had arrived at his best friend’s apartment, in which he did, making you relieved as he had asked you for your side of the story when Eric had fallen asleep in his guest room. You had fallen asleep to reassuring words from him that the two of you would figure it out in the meantime, but you couldn’t help but wonder why Sunwoo’s words left a warmer feeling in your chest more than usual knowing he still has yet to meet his soulmate.

Was it normal?

“Sunwoo, what’s your soulmate bond, if you don’t mind me asking?” You say while crossing your arms on top of the table, curious as to what the latter’s bond was because he had never once mentioned it in your presence whenever you two had met.

“It’s the red string.” He replies, suddenly growing nervous at how you were already asking about his bond, unsure of how he was going to go at it now that he was caught off guard at your sudden question about it.

“By any chance, do you know where they might be?” You ask, now even more curious about the possibility of him finding his soulmate pretty soon if he was connected to his soulmate by a string that is known to appear if they’re closeby, however Sunwoo knows that he shouldn’t bluntly say it.

“I do know where they are, but I found out too late, because they already found their soulmate that isn’t me.” He grimaces, noticing how the sudden curiosity that was in your eyes reduces to now an expression that left questions in both your minds as the two of you now sat in complete silence.

And maybe the both of you realized something that you shouldn’t have known, because the rain outside that was downpouring became louder than the ringing that was in your ears from your pounding.

Maybe this was a mistake.

You were now living in constant fear, but not for the reasons that you had thought it would be because of. It was another rainy day, but this time in mid-August as the colors of your life around you almost matched the grey and gloomy clouds that were storming above you. The sound of your heart constantly pounding in your chest was making you nervous every time that you woke up next to Eric, unsure of whether or not the breaking point of your relationship will actually end.

You couldn’t even remember when you had last exchanged I love yous.

Your stomach churns at the mere thought of an empty feeling that used to be so filled with love and care, but now all you could ever feel around Eric was the constant worry of whether or not he still loved you. Did he even still love you, you think to yourself as the reasons why the colors draining from your vision erupted in your mind.

They would only leave if one of you had lost the love for the other, but you didn’t want to think that Eric didn’t love you anymore. You knew that he always loved everyone, platonically and romantically in your case, with his entire being to the point where he would always be willing to put their needs before his own. Could it be any different that he stopped loving you as the distance between you both grew deeper and farther?

The sound of the front door being opened and slammed shut makes you look away from where you were working on a new menu for the cafe, only to see an upset Eric walk straight past you and into the kitchen as you were suddenly confused at the sudden act.

“Is everything okay, Eric?” You called out to him quietly and just as the words had left your lips, he reappeared from the kitchen with an exhausted look on his face before speaking up.

“Can we seriously not do this tonight? I’m really not in the mood to argue or talk about it all.” He snaps and you felt taken aback from the sudden anger that was clearly evident in his words and at the tip of his tongue as you crossed your arms in front of him to stand your own ground.

“What’s your problem-”

“You, you’re my problem and I hate it.”

The three words that left his mouth leaves a heavy feeling into the atmosphere as the feeling of your heart grew heavier by the minute. There were definitely words that were waiting to be said as the two of you stared at the other, one with frustration in their eyes and tears filling the other. However, you weren’t sure what else to say, because you had never thought that you would suddenly hear him say that you were a problem to the burdens in his life.

“What problem am I to you, then, if all I’ve been doing is try to save the dying relationship that we’ve been avoiding?” You press, already hearing the rising tone of your voice from the fact that you were growing hurt from what he was saying, unsure where all of his thoughts had come from but you were also almost sure of where it was going to go, and you wanted to wait for the right moment to ask him.

“Everyday when I wake up next to you, the colors from my life start to drain and I know that it’s the living guilt that I created for the both of us-”

“Then when did you stop loving me, Eric Sohn?”

It’s silent again as his throat suddenly becomes dry at your question, his frustrated expression from earlier suddenly falling short as his eyes were now starting to avoid your pained ones. He knows he had started the fire this time around, not knowing how to deal with the almost monochrome vision that he had been experiencing the last few months, but he couldn’t let it go if he were to lie to you about when he had first stopped loving you, because that night was when he felt it that you also stopped loving him as well.

“The first downpour, when I gave you those flowers.”

Neither of you talked as you felt your heart pound even louder than it was earlier in your chest, but you weren’t even sure what else to say when you suddenly think of all of the fights that have piled up and climaxed to this exact point. The signs were all there, and you felt as though you were foolish enough to not realize that it wasn’t even healthy to stay knowing that there was something wrong in the first place when you first noticed the first wave of colors vanish.

Rather than saying anything, you grabbed your phone from where it was sitting on the couch and put on your shoes before leaving past the front door with a slam behind you. Despite the fact that there was a heavy rain outside, you didn’t care as you felt like you were being suffocated if you were to stay in that room with him any longer, and you allowed for your legs to let you run to wherever they wanted you to take you to.

That place somehow ended up being Sunwoo’s apartment after running in the rain for almost half an hour.

Your hand was raised to knock on the door, the thought of him possibly being busy past your mind as he opens the door with a confused look on his face, until he realizes that you were shivering drenched from head to toe. After dragging you inside, he takes it upon himself to grab some xtra clothing and blankets so that you could dry off, but he was concerned at the way that you had stood in the middle of his living room with no words leaving your lips to explain why you had run in the pouring rain.

“I think me and Eric just broke our soulmate bond.”

With those words hanging in the atmosphere of Sunwoo’s living room, there was a broken sob that already slipped past your lips as your knees buckled from beneath you, making you kneel with your head low crying with your arms hugging yourself. You were definitely feeling the immense pain that came with the slight sever of your soulmate bond and you weren’t sure what was even worse, the fact that you might never have another soulmate again or the actual heartbreak itself.

“I-”

“Can I wash up in your bathroom, Sunwoo? I don’t want to get sick in your own home.” You mutter almost inaudibly, not wanting to talk about it with him when you notice how he nods just slightly, before handing you an extra towel and the spare clothes that he had earlier for you to wear.

By the time that you were alone in the bathroom with your thoughts in the shower, you could feel the tears from earlier still stream down your face, but there was nothing else except for a numbing pain that came with them as you washed up. You hated the feeling of the heartache that came along with the fact that the person you had thought was your soulmate wasn’t the person, and now you weren’t sure what else to do.

It was when you finally dried yourself off and got dressed that the little bit of color that you once still had suddenly became monochrome and your heart sank into your stomach. A life that was once filled with color, that you were so used to in the past few years was now so easily gone as you were now greeted with the shades of blacks, whites and greys again, and you thought that maybe it was finally concluded that your relationship from fate was finished.

You walk out of the bathroom and head back to the living room to where you last saw Sunwoo, but it sounded as though he was in the middle of a call with someone, making you wonder who might’ve been calling since it was close to midnight. It wasn’t until you had gotten closer that he finished up the call and made eye contact with you, however there was a solemn look on his face that made you feel uneasy, since you had never once seen him in this scenario where he had looked like he was hit with bad news.

And it was.

“Hyunjae called from the hospital,” He whispers quietly as you noticed that there were tears in his eyes this time around, his phone clutched tightly in his hand and you could feel a lump in your throat with newly fresh tears that were already threatening to leave your eyes once again.

“Eric passed away in a car accident.”

A little over a week passes by.

You were currently collecting your thoughts and leaving the funeral home where Eric’s funeral was being held, heart feeling heavy as you were slowly walking back to your car in silence. There were many things that you wanted to say to his family, ones that made you want to apologize a million times for not being enough for him, but you also have heard his side of the story from Hyunjae the night that it all happened, because he was on the phone with Eric seconds before the accident.

There was something that made you feel sick as you sat in the passenger seat of your car, waiting for Sunwoo as you noticed something out of the corner of your eye; a speck of color. You weren’t sure how it could’ve gotten there as you were pretty convinced that the universe wouldn’t be able to give you another soulmate so soon, and why would they when you had lost touch of all color as soon as Eric passed?

The sound of a car closing beside you makes you turn to see Sunwoo, who had the keys in his hand, in which he was already looking back at you with a curious, but also concerned look.

“Are you okay?”

Those three words felt heavy like a lump in your throat as you wondered whether or not you should answer it with the utmost sarcasm that you can spare, or the truth. In the last week of mourning, Sunwoo had always been the one to check up on you despite the fact that he had also been mourning in his own time, the loss of his best friend feeling unbearable, but he didn’t want to go through the pain alone.

It was cruel of the universe to take him away from you, Sunwoo thinks as he remembers holding onto your shaking figure the day that Hyunjae had broken the news to him and his heart aches at the memory of you looking helpless. He hated how much you were in pain for the last few days, where it was hard for him to get you to eat meals and sleep during proper hours when you weren’t crying, but he knew that you also felt bad for having him around; yet somehow he didn’t mind it.

“I can see a bit of color today,” You whisper quietly, turning away to look out the window of the car and it stops, just in time as there was a slight hue of red that you were able to see from the traffic light that makes you not want to meet his eyes.

Sunwoo’s heart was now pounding in his chest and there was a feeling of dryness that was suddenly in his throat, words caught up in it as he wasn’t sure where he could even step in to tell you what he had been dying to tell you the last few months. The red string on his finger felt like it was tightening by every second that he was with you, but he wasn’t sure how you would feel about it, especially after the events of today.

However, it was you who had started to connect the dots, seeing as though the more that you have been spending time with him, the more hues of warmer and eventually cooler colors start to show up again in your vision. The only thing was that you knew about the various types of bonds, where the same person would not get the same bonds twice for different people, making you question what the actual bond might be.

“Sunwoo, I want you to tell me the truth… Are you also my soulmate?”

The light turns green and Sunwoo drives again, this time the tension that was between you both growing heavy as you were waiting for his response, when all he wanted was to buy some more time. He didn’t want to tell you the truth now, not like this as you were regaining color into your sight again, but it was almost like when you had asked him that question, his pinky had burned from the string that made him almost flinch at the pain it had inflicted onto him, which was why he had pulled over to the side of the road so that you can talk, without any other distractions towards any of you.

“Are you able to see where my red string ends?” He whispers to you quietly, in which you shake your head in response, wishing that you could in order to ease your stumbling thoughts, but there was nothing as he takes a couple moments to collect his thoughts and takes a deep breath to himself.

“I’m sorry for not telling you the truth when we first talked about it, Y/N.”

There was a small smile on your face, one that was on your face that expressed both pain and almost relief that his soulmate was nearby and that you weren’t going to be soulmate-less. You remember the one day that you had lunch with him when he mentioned who his soulmate was, but you didn’t think that it would be you, making your stomach churn at how guilty you felt knowing that you actually had two soulmates that existed right in front of your eyes.

“Sunwoo, you don’t have to be sorry, it’s not your fault that all of this happened. If it was meant to be, then I guess everything leading up to now was meant to happen…” You breathed out, feeling tears prick at the corners of your eyes when he suddenly reached over to hold your own hands into his, “But I’m going to need some time to just let this sink in. I want to be sure that it’s you, okay?”

He nods in response, feeling almost as if a weight had lifted off of his shoulders and there was the urge that he was holding back to just hold you into his arms right then and there in his arms. Time, he thinks to himself as he knew that it was also a big block as to whether or not your possible relationship could continue to blossom into something more, which was why when he had started the car back up and started driving again, he can only think of the best thinking to make sure that you two could keep going with what you had, and to him it was to bring laughter and teases to make you at least feel better for the time being.  

“Sunwoo, what if we did this-“

“We say that we’re soulmates right now and kiss.” He teases, making you look at him with an amused look but shake your head in response with your hand still in his as you wonder where the sudden burst of energy had come from despite the moment that you had earlier.

“Sunwoo, no-“

“We officially become soulmates eventually,” He jokes and watches how there is a glint of sparkle in your eyes that he hadn’t noticed present before when he glances over to look at you, but he doesn’t push it as he decides to just keep your distance temporarily, “You’re not saying no, love, you have to say something.”

You thought about it for a moment, thinking that maybe playing the long game with him wouldn’t be too bad as you knew that maybe this was a sign that could test to see if he was actually your soulmate. Colors may be one thing, but would you also eventually see the red rope that he has been seeing the past few years of dealing with it?

“How about we play the long game?” You propose, looking at him with a small smile as he raises an eyebrow at your words of waiting a bit with him, “We see how the next year or so goes, and if more color appears on my end, then we’re soulmates. If not, then we can just overthrow the universe and see what happens then.”

“So it’s not a rejection then?” He whispers hopefully, suddenly feeling nervous at the fact that you weren’t opposed to the idea of him being your soulmate and feels his heart pound louder in his chest as he watches you nod in response.

“I think I knew back then that I was connected to you at some point, Sunwoo, with or without the red string visible to my eye.”

There was a shaky breath that left your lips as you finally felt a sudden weight lifted off your chest, seeing as though you were somehow finding your own way to move on from Eric’s passing. It wasn’t ideal, considering it was by testing the waters to see if Sunwoo was actually your soulmate, or if it wasn’t real since you weren’t even sure of what was happening in the moment, but you knew something was there.

“Can I kiss you?” He asks almost teasingly, and there was a smile that coats your lips, one that you haven’t been able to express in the past few days but somehow with him it almost came naturally because of how calming his aura came to be around you.

“Maybe during another downpour, we’ll see what happens.”

“Hey Y/N, thanks for letting me head out early it means a lot.”

You look up from where you were currently cleaning up behind the counter of the glass case that was once filled with delicious sweets, giving Haknyeon a small smile in response as you waved him off.

“It’s not a problem, Haknyeon. Besides, you better not be nervous because anybody who says no to marrying you will regret it.” You teased, watching the male stand at the closest table to the counter of your co-owned cafe blush a bit at your words.

“Yeah but… it’s raining hard out there tonight. Will you be able to get home dry?” He asks in which you nod in response, just as another individual has entered right on cue like it was meant to happen.

“He’s here to take me home, just go propose to your soulmate already.” You grinned, watching as Haknyeon gives you a soft smile and leaves before he can get caught in the rain tonight.

With an amused look on the latter’s face, your eyes met with Sunwoo’s, who had been standing against the counter that you were currently cleaning. There was an umbrella in his hand, along with a familiar jacket that you must’ve forgotten to take with you, but he brought it anyway because he knew that you would’ve gotten cold from the rain.

“You could’ve gotten sick, you know. That wouldn’t be good on any of us.” He teases and you give him a playful look, not wanting to be bothered with the jacket when in a split second, you felt his arms wrap around your waist swiftly, chin on your shoulder as he was swaying both of your bodies side to side.

Two years have passed since you remember talking about the effects of a downpour with him, the sight of it making you feel various emotions as you stared at the red string tied at the end of your pinky of your left hand that was almost parallel to the ring on your ring finger on your right. After opening up your new co-owned cafe with Haknyeon months after you and Sunwoo decided to play the long game, the rush of colors came along with that new success as you knew that it was for all the times that you have spent with him.

Every downpour and daylight that led to the very moment made you feel grateful that you made the decision to play the long game, because the promise ring that came with the downpour the night you both kissed felt like sparks. You probably would never forget how realizing that he was your soulmate felt, because it was the same electricity and love that overwhelmed you like you had when you first found out about Eric.

“Okay, let’s go home you big baby.” You giggled, shaking your head at his playful banter and took the jacket from his hands over your shoulders, before grabbing your keys to lock up the cafe for the night.

The two walk into the city with peace on your mind, the gentle downpour highlighted perfectly the illuminated city buildings that were around you both as you walked to your shared home together, and you wouldn’t want to have it either way. Whether it was a day with rain or sunshine, you knew that it couldn’t be too bad as long as you had someone with you with their hand in yours.

“Do you think he’s watching us, from up there?” Sunwoo suddenly mumbles softly, your hand in his as the sound of the soft drops of the rain hitting your umbrella resonates from on top of you guys and you hummed in response, nodding as you smiled and kissed his hand gently.

“I think he’d be happy that his best friend is the one to save me from being soulmate-less for the rest of my life, instead of someone that I could be with that might hurt me.”

“I don’t think I could ever want to intentionally hurt you, Y/N, or in any other life. You know that, right?” He says, joking slightly to relieve the small tension that was starting to rise, but you knew it was both of your worries that were talking and you couldn’t blame him.

The tomorrow is unpredictable and you weren’t sure what could happen to any of you by then.

“I know Sunwoo, and I know that you love me, like I love you.” You reply and suddenly you are pulled into his arms, hands cupping your cheeks as he places a soft kiss on your lips as you kiss him back and smile against his own.

There were small bursts of giggles that came from you at the flustered feeling of him spontaneously kissing you, but the shimmer in his eyes said elsewise as you knew that even though the entire universe was held in them, they were only meant for you to see. A galaxy that was meant to be lost in, but somehow you knew right where you were as you were both standing underneath a shared umbrella on a night of downpour, but this time it was flushed with colors and vibrant illuminations that made you feel ignited especially with him.

“I love you too, Y/N.”

[serenityseventeen]

Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The Sixth Letter

----------------

To: Lee Jihoon

From: Y/N

I'm sorry.

Jihoon, I will not blame you for anything. If I were in your shoes, I would have been even more irritated than you were. I'm still irritated, actually.

I know for certain that you probably hate me so I will begin this letter for you by reminding us of our good times when no one was there to butt in.

When we first met in tech audio, I was really surprised that you were a musical genius. You knew how to work the garage band app right away and since we sat next to each other, I could already tell that you were familiar with it.

You were also able to play the guitar and the piano. I've always liked music so seeing someone play those two instruments just fascinated me. Not only that, but you also played the clarinet well.

You've probably lived around music all your life, right? I listen to music almost everywhere I go, every day, it's one of my human needs, but I have to admit, even after learning a bit of piano from you, I still have almost no idea about music. Genres of music are still hard to identify for me and I can still barely tell the difference in chords. I'm still thankful that you took the time out of your worktime to help me understand more about music.

Honestly, when I first saw you, Jihoon, I was intimidated. You didn't like exactly friendly and I just stupidly thought that you were one of those ‘perfectionist’ students who only cared for their grades and being the best. Also, just the way you looked when you didn't smile gave me that impression. However, when you smiled, you looked completely different. You looked cute. We laughed a lot together too.

I bet you that on our first assignment, I must've looked like a complete tech idiot. The assignment was just to come up with your original piece of music by messing around on the app. Was my confusion that easy to see through?

I don't know, but I think the moment that you helped me was when I started to realize you as the person you are now. You taught me how to use the app in such a gentle tone, you know that? I still feel like I can listen to your voice forever and I won't get bored of it.

I was happy with our forming friendship. I felt like I could truly be your friend. Plus, we had one other class together so I was able to talk with you a lot about music. Everything you say fascinates me and makes me believe that you are a musical genius. I still believe that you are even if I can't hear your songs anymore.

Speaking of your music, I think you should become a ‘pro’ music producer, lyricist, composer, songwriter, of them all. Your talent in music is truly undeniable!

That first piece you showed me called “17”, I have to say that that song may be my favorite out of all the songs you've sent me. I still have all the music files stored in my phone and I'll never delete them. It's not because I still like you that I'm keeping them but it's because I like the song. I might put them into an mp3 player and stick them on the back of this letter. Out of the 13 songs you've shown me, there was not one that I disliked.

Your voice is also heavenly. I love it. I don't understand why you aren't getting yourself a whole career already! You don't know this but when I was playing your song “Rock”, my father was totally digging it! Even my next-door neighbor wanted to know who was the artist behind “20”!

There was also that time when you were helping me learn how to read music using the piano and our hands kept brushing against each other. Our shoulders were also glued together because the seat was so small. If your heart was racing just as much as how pink your ears turned, then please, believe me, my heart was beating twice as fast.

You didn't just teach me music and show me your creations, you also shared music that you enjoyed. A lot of the songs are still in my playlist. You have great taste in music too, Jihoon. I enjoyed every moment we spent just sitting at the window of the classroom, sharing headphones and listening to the songs you liked.

When they were love songs, I just couldn't help thinking that you chose the song for a reason. I'm quite an overthinker. I always thought that maybe one of the songs you showed me held your heart and maybe they did, but now I'll never know.

I'm your fan, Jihoon, even though you probably wouldn't want me to be anymore. I still admire you and I respect you a lot, that's why I'm deciding to write you this letter. I'm not going to get too close to you, I won't even try to bring us back to what we were because now, it's too awkward between us. I know that deep inside, you must feel so a deep hatred toward me, even if it wasn't entirely my fault.

I've realized what kind of person you are, Jihoon. You're kind, caring, talented in almost everything, shy, and stubborn. You love music. You hate it when someone who isn't close to you gets all up in your business as if they know everything. You also hate narcissists. You're selfless and humble.

I don't know who you told but I'm sorry. Your trust must have been completely broken. I mean, I can just imagine how painful it would be, being an introvert and telling someone your crush while trusting them to keep the secret only to have them spill it to the person's friends.

I hate my friends because they ruined our relationship but since they are my friends, I just can't abandon them as if we didn't spend years being best buddies. I've been distancing myself from them for a while now but I think it won't be long until we continue hanging out again. I want to hang out with you too but you must feel so... angry.

I heard that you're not friends with the guy who leaked the secret that you liked me. I truly hope that you can find a friend that is a true friend. I don't want you to live in fear and keep everything to yourself. I'll always be here for you though, so please, even if I don't speak with you, you can speak to me.

Gosh, what am I saying? It can't be fixed.

You must've overheard it when my friends dragged me away from your cafeteria table and whispered to me, “Did you know? He likes you!”

I was flustered and when I turned back to you, I still remember seeing your hands clench. That's when I sort of knew that we wouldn't be friends anymore.

Even after having your trust broken, you continued to hang out around me, which made me believe that if I confessed my feelings to you when the time was right, we could fall in love. So, I spent a lot of time learning about you.

That's when my friends came in again. They started teasing us in front of the whole class, saying all that stupid cheesy shit. I was ready angry and kept telling them to stop but they wouldn't because they just thought I was like them.

‘When you're in high school, you don't want the person in the relationship, you just want a relationship.’

That was not the case for me but that's what they thought. I wanted you, Jihoon. I was ready to teach you about me and get to know you better so that when I was ready to love, we would be able to stay together.

My friends are stupid.

They continued to pressure us to be together.

Knowing you, you must've gotten extremely annoyed and fed up with it, enough for you to end your friendship with me. And that's exactly what happened, right?

Each day, for a month, they came to our desks singing stupid love songs meant for children. They were so childish and I was growing so sick of it. I knew that you didn't like that shit. I knew that you were just enduring it but I couldn't stop it and I'm sorry.

We went through all that humiliation together. I think we could have had a better love story if your friend didn't leak your secret and my friends didn't act like children. I saw sparks in your eyes, that's why I had hope that we could fall in love together, but we couldn't even get ready to love.

I just remember that day when you ignored me. I was telling you that your piece sounded good and asked if I could get a listen, but you didn't reply to me at all. You still don't talk to me. It makes my heart ache.

When our friendship got ruined, I almost ruined my other friendships too. You don't know this but they kept pestering me, asking if you and I were finally dating and if we had a couple fight. They kept reassuring me as if they knew what we were going through and saying that it was just a small love fight and that we would recover soon. They didn't even know the problem was them so I yelled at them.

In the middle of the cafeteria, I slammed my hands on the table and shouted at them. I'm sure you heard me, you were in the same room. I'm pretty sure that you didn't know about this either but when I left the cafeteria in anger, I cried in the stall of a bathroom.

Now, I'm fine.

I wonder what you thought of me then. I mean, we still had to see each other but we didn't talk to each other like we were strangers. I was angry at you for not understanding me so I didn't want to speak or even glance in your direction, even if it did hurt to ignore you.

I think I know what you feel but all I'm thinking about your emotions are just assumptions in the end. You're a stranger to me now. A stranger that I loved.

You brought me the colors of music.

If only things didn't have to turn out so negatively. If only one friend kept his promise of keeping a secret... If only a group of friends didn't tease so annoyingly... Maybe then, things would be different.

Oh yeah, I'm sorry about this too. I overheard you playing a song the other day. Don't worry, I didn't record it but I cried to it. I just have a feeling that the song was about me. All the lyrics, the depressing but gorgeous sound of the piano, your emotional voice, it all brought tears to my eyes. Were you in pain?

I had never heard the song before. When I cried to it, I had my hands covering my mouth to keep noise from slipping. I don't know if you heard me because you just continued singing.

“Maybe I could have been a man

when everyone was telling me to.

But both choices were selfish,

keep you close or let me go,

so I chose

let's just not fall in love.”

I think your choice was for the better.

Sincerely,

Y/N

------------------

© serenityseventeen

6/21/21 - 11:01 am

a/n: sigh... I feel like this letter was so relatable on so many levels. My former friends were like that, always wanting a relationship but not the person in the relationship. They're too desperate. + ARTHUR KYEOM COMEBACK!??!? SVT CHINESE DRAMA OST!?!?

[lovelikedestiny]

Hi! Long time no see :D

For the ask game: 3, 17, 18, 32 because I couldn't decide. You don't have to answer all of them, just pick whichever one you'd like to talk about. I'm excited for your answer(s)! <3

Heeeeyyyy!!! :)

Thank you so much! I'll always happily answer all of your questions, my friend<3

3. Are there any fics that inspired you to write what you do?

Hmmm, I don't think so. It's not that there aren't amazing fics out there because obviously there are tons of them (and I'm thankful for every single one).

But every time I start to write down an idea and discover a fic where the same idea is used, just in a different way, I always have this irrational fear that people think I have stolen it when I post my WIP. So, to avoid this feeling I stopped reading fics when I was writing something.

Yes, I know how weird that sounds but this is how my brain works :D

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

When I had started writing fics I literally spent hours nervously checking my notifications, and I always felt so nauseous because I was so excited and worried too much that people wouldn't consider my writing as good.

But I also checked the posted fic several times for mistakes, logged out on Tumblr or AO3, thought about the way I had written something, panicked, logged in again, changed what I thought would contain an error, and logged out just to log in again seconds later because I was afraid that I had changed it to the worse.

I'm such a perfectionist that I'm racking my brain whenever I post something out of fear to have made an error in English since it isn't my native language. A fucking exhausting vicious circle, I can tell you that.

Please picture me doing this right now as I stare at the answer I posted a few moments ago.

18. Do you have a WIP that you keep telling yourself you’ll eventually get back to, but deep down you know that’s probably a lie?

To name at least two of them: "Nicky is angry with Booker but saves him because he's a freaking cinnamon roll", placed after the betrayal when a new mission forces them and Booker to work together, and Booker getting to know Joe and Nicky's relationship (outsider perspective on our immortal husbands).

But I'm still trying to convert most of my abandoned WIPs into ficlets or some of their ideas into other fics, so they wouldn't exist for nothing.

32. Copy and paste your top three favorite lines/jokes/sentences you’ve ever written. What fics do they come from?

I feel like I'm repeating myself, but what can I say?

What do you want to hear from me? [...] That my heart stopped because yours did too? - Safe and Sound, my very first TOG fic

 I am your armor in battle and your blanket in peace. - Tears on marble face, how could I forget the fond moments of emotional damage this series has caused?

Give me your soul and I'll give you mine, for us being eternal - Tears on marble face, I made myself cry writing this scene

Never to be able to see that little grin again, which is just the crook of the corner of his mouth, so subtle that it could almost be overlooked if Nicky's eyes wouldn't get as soft as the soothing sea under the caressing sun - Light in byzantine eyes, the just as heartbreaking sequel of Tomf

Nicky's last gasp, Yu...suf..., through bloody saliva and red teeth, the warm, pulsating juice of life under the jacket that Joe pressed on Nicky's chest, pleading, praying, crying, dying because Nicky was dying too. - Light in byzantine eyes, I literally ripped my heart out of my chest and put it into these two stories

[funkymbtifiction]

Not really an ask, but I would just like to say I know you've mentioned that ENFPs can fall in love with something, even for many years, and then get tired of if once it doesn't provide stimulation - anyway, I am grateful that you are still interested in MBTI/Enneagram after all this time! I certainly enjoy keeping up with all your posts and I learn so much. Thank you for all your hard work! Also - I hope you enjoyed your vacation!

Thank you for appreciating me! I spent most of my vacation working hard on my book because... apparently, I don't do time off. :P I won't set a release date at this point because I'm a perfectionist and can't predict how long it will take me to finish it, but I'm not allowing myself to write a novel until I'm done, which means I WILL BE DONE soon. I can't stand not writing fiction. It's my first love. :P

To be honest, my interest has been waning for a long time in MBTI. I stick with it blog-wise because it's a useful way to contribute to the world and typing characters is fun. But I suspect having worked so hard on this book, and exhausting what I know about the types for it, once it's out I'll move away from MBTI except in typing characters. I want to make room in my life for new knowledge and ideas. (I'm actually doing a major 'detox' this year and getting rid of any hobbies and obligations I've kept up out of habit. I'm looking forward to the freedom it will give me to do whatever I want, for as long as I want to do it, rather than feeling like I 'should' keep doing it. I have stalled my life too many times holding onto things that were interests "just for a season" in my life. Problem is, I get other people involved in them in some way and then feel like I'm obligated to them to keep going! Ah, the joys of being an ENFP. "Come do this thing with me!!" LOL)

Enneagram still has areas in which to learn, though my learning has stalled since I've read / listened to whatever already exists (many times) and am just waiting for good info on the social variants. That's the only hazy area for me about it, but hardly anyone is talking about them in depth and I like external descriptions to 'confirm' my own suspicions. I'm starting to notice patterns in people's behaviors that indicate an over-focus on soc, sp, or sx, but I NEED MOAR.

[figula]

recap of family therapy c/p-ed from my discord server conversation

[12:41 PM]i got a bad feeling five minutes in when she started talking about the 'obesity epidemic' in america and how restaurants in america will serve you too much food [12:42 PM]like genuinely t ome it seems absolutely unforgiveable to bring this kind of fatphobia to an anorexic who is eating a shit ton of food [12:42 PM]absolutely no mention of the sociological factors that contribute to this 'obesity epidemic' (e.g poverty, eating disorders themselves, etc etc etc ive spoken about this at length before) [12:43 PM]i didnt say anthing here bc i was trying to behave [12:43 PM]anyway essentially she thinks only people w/ the 'right' genetic background will develop 'an eating disorder' [12:45 PM] like i DID ask her here: what do you think about more sociological frameworks of eating disorders that aren't so biologically essentialist - bc i am thinking that living as a woman (9/10 restrictive eaters in a sense that would qualify you for an anorexia diagnosis are women) in a society which ridicules anyone over a certain size, particularly if you ARE one of those people who are often touted as the classic anorexic - obsessive, perfectionist, etc - particularly given that we know that biological responses to starvation can self-perpetuate the starving urge and she was just like  the genetics come first [12:45 PM]and im just thinking like - i dont know a single woman who doesnt actually engage in diet culture / disordered eating to some extent [12:46 PM]and as you know i already dont personally feel that a major distinction between 'dieting' and 'an eating disorder' is useful - who is 'allowed' to have an eating disorder and who is 'dieting' is based on what the body looks like on the person who is engaging in those behaviours [12:46 PM]like 300lbs 800 calories a day = diet  good job 100lbs 800 calories a day = ed  oh no 12:49 PM] she mentioned the minnessota starvation experiment, and asked if we were familiar w/ it [12:49 PM]i said i was, and she aked me to give an account [12:49 PM]and i used the phrase 'well, they starved them' [12:49 PM]and she corrected me - she was like 'they restricted their intake' [12:49 PM]at which point i was like [12:49 PM]...yeah i dont think there's a meaningful distinction between those two terms lol. im still stuck on the casualness w/ which she brought up the idea of an ‘obesity epidemic’ purely being gdue to like ... large portion sizes and a lack of food education [12:50 PM]like she literally works on the kids ward as well [12:50 PM]absolutely horrific [12:57 PM] she spent a long time talking about like, how i fyou look at families usually there are multiple people in that family w/ linked illnesses and then you look at the linked illnesses and it's all like fuckin trauma-based as much as anything else lol like [12:57 PM]'depression' [12:57 PM]'anxiety' [12:58 PM] me sitting there w/ my 233092 diagnoses like hallo lol [12:58 PM]but then she was like 'steve wasnt your dad very obese' and my dad was like yea [12:58 PM]and she was like [12:58 PM]ok that's linked [12:58 PM]i was like [12:58 PM]GIRL??????? KGFDDFG

sorry for the horrible formatting i just coulnt be bothered to write it all out again