#i think I'll be okay I'm just burnt out again. this time it's the kind of burn out that stomps on creative energy and spinterests

[welcometogrouchland]

I am not okay yet but I will be in a bit, I think 👍

[steddiewithachance]

"You Should Date My Nephew"

"433-6296". Wayne mouthes to himself. He visualizes the little slip of lined paper that's taped to the wall above their phone at home. 433-6296. He could call. But he wont.

Wayne grunts as he lowers himself to sit on the curb outside the plant. He got off work --he pushes up the sleeve of his jacket to check his watch-- 36 minutes ago. It's 3:36 am and god dammit Eddie how many times did he remind the kid to set his alarm. How many times did Wayne remind Eddie that his truck was in the shop and that he'd need a ride home in the morning. And every single time he'd mention it, Eddie responded "I got it old man! I'll set an alarm" with an exasperated eye roll and would go back to whatever he was doing. Wayne has tried calling the trailer a dozen times already and damn that boy for being such a heavy sleeper.

433-6296. Wayne could probably solve his problem with a single call, but that would be completely inconsiderate and borderline inappropriate, so he wont. A gust of cold November wind hits Wayne unforgivingly in the face and makes his eyes water. He pulls a pack of camels from his chest pocket and with stiff, shaky hands, lights one. 433-6296. He could call or he could walk home. The walk wasn't easy in ideal weather when Wayne was fully rested. Right now it was freezing, Wayne didn't have his good jacket, and he just finished an eight hour shift. 433-6296. Fuck it.

Wayne stands up and hurries toward the phone before he can talk himself out of this. It's insane, and he knows the poor kid barely sleeps as it is. Knows from Eddie that he'll pick up the phone anytime Eddie has a nightmare and drive over to talk him out of the bad dream, keep him company, or fall asleep on the floor of Eddie's bedroom so his nephew doesn't have to go back to sleep alone in a haunted home. 433-6296 Wayne dials and waits with baited breath.

The phone rings a handful of times before a quiet voice greets him on the other side of the line.

"H'llo? Eds?"

"Uh hi Steve. It's Wayne?" Wayne says quietly into the phone. Steve seems to sober immediately.

"Mr. Munson? Is everything okay? Is Eddie okay?"

"Yeah no everythin's fine. I'm sure Eddie's safe and sound at home. Look, I'm real sorry to wake you, kid, and I'm sorry to even be askin' you in the first place. I know it's mighty unfair of me to call at this time but uh- My trucks in the shop and Eddie was supposed to pick me up from work forty minutes ago but I think he mighta slept through his alarm. And it's too far for an old man like me to walk. Was wondering if I might owe you a helluva favor if you could pick me up tonight, son." For a few moments there is silence. Wayne worries he has crossed a line, for a brief moment he fears he might have burnt the most important bridge in Eddie's life. He's immediately regretting waking Steve up for this.

But then he hears the distinct rustling and thump of someone putting on shoes.

"Of course Mr. Munson, I'm leaving now. I'll be there as soon as I can." And Wayne is once again floored by this kid's kindness.

"Steve, thank you. I owe you son. Whatever you need."

"It's no problem! I'll see you soon."

"See you." Wayne mutters in disbelief and hangs up the phone.

And to think... Wayne used to hate Steve. The thing about Steve Harrington is that his name is haunted, in a way. And the thing about Wayne Munson is that he's a stubborn son of a bitch who will hold grudges on Eddie's behalf longer than the kid himself will. There were countless days in high school when instead of shooting through the front door of the trailer after school with a devilish grin and music blasting from his headphones, Eddie would turn the knob slowly and he'd drag himself into the house, giving Wayne a small nod before disappearing into his room quietly. Wayne felt like crying or punching something when Eddie came home in low spirits. He knew how evil the kids at school could be, and he knew the names of all the bad ones. Wayne always gave Eddie 10 minutes of quiet before he'd knock on his door and gently ask if he wanted to talk. It was a routine they had. He'd ask and Eddie would say no. But then like clockwork, Eddie would open up about his day later in the evening usually while they ate dinner and before Wayne left for work. He'd complain about all the kids that made him feel bad: Hagan, Harrington, Perkins, Hargrove, Carver, and so many more.

So imagine Wayne's surprise on March 27, 1986 when he briefly left Eddie's hospital room to get coffee and returned to Steve Harrington, the bully son of Richard and Nicole, sitting next to his nephew's hospital bed. It had been a long week of worrying on Wayne's part, and an emotional 48 hours spent at Eddie's bedside, so Wayne had very little patience for whatever was happening in front of him. In retrospect, Steve Harrington was looking at Eddie... sweet and tenderly, even back then. But in the moment all he could think about was Eddie returning from school with hunched shoulders and his head hung low.

"The hell are you doing here?" Wayne asked using his gruffest and most intimidating voice, arms crossed, standing in the doorway. The way that Steve startled was like nothing like Wayne had ever seen. He jumped a foot into the air and folded into himself.

"Oh! Mr. Munson. I'm sorry I didn't know you were around. Just, uh, didn't want him to be alone in case he woke up." Steve had said rising from his seat. When Wayne didn't budge from the doorway or respond, Steve nervously fiddled with the zipper of his jacket.

"How do you know Eddie?" Wayne asked trying to keep his firm tone.

"From high school sir. But also through a mutual friend. Dustin Henderson? They play DND together. Dustin and I brought him in after we found him like this..." Steve lifted his head again gauging Wayne's still stern expression and sighed. "Look, I'm sorry sir I didn't mean to interrupt anything I'll get out of your hair."

And Wayne wanted to be skeptical of Steve, wanted to accuse him of doing this to Eddie, but the truth is that Steve sounded painfully earnest. And there's no human explanation for the tiny bite marks all over Eddie's body. Wayne stepped out of the doorway and let Steve take a few steps down the hallway before calling out to him.

"Hey, Harrington?" Steve turned around quickly, looking back with a startled expression, maybe surprised that Wayne knew his name at all. "D'ja see what happened? I mean d'ya know anythin about what hurt him?" Wayne asked more softly. Steve looked around the crowded hallway, with nurses buzzing from door to door. Steve shook his head slightly, apologized, and continued down the hallway.

But Steve didn't stay out of his hair for long. The kid was exasperatingly persistent in being around for Eddie. And while Wayne kept a watchful eye on him, he was starting to get the idea that Steve Harrington was not who Wayne thought he was. He cooked for, cleaned after, and tended to Eddie, asking for nothing in return. Often refusing to stay for dinner when Wayne was home, even if he was the one who cooked it, because he didn't want to interrupt family time. If he brought food from out he always brought something for Wayne, and never took the money Wayne tried to push into his hands for it.

"Here, Mr. Munson. I wasn't sure what you wanted from the diner, but Eddie said you're not picky so I brought you a burger and fries." Steve had said that first time, holding out a bag in front of him.

"You brought me food?" Wayne asked perplexed.

"Well yeah, of course. I wouldn't have shown up with dinner for just me and Eddie." Steve set Wayne's bag on the counter when he made no move to take it.

By now Steve knew Wayne and Eddie's order at pretty much every food place in Hawkins and Wayne and Eddie were getting real creative at finding ways to slip money into Steve's wallet.

On top of that, almost every other day, Wayne gets home from work to find a maroon bmw parked outside his place while Steve helps Eddie through bad dreams. So what could Wayne be, besides grateful, for Steve Harrington's slightly confusing devotion to his kid?

He's snapped out of his thoughts when said maroon bmw pulls up in front of him. Steve is wearing a pair of wired glasses and his hair is all ruffled from sleep. Wayne opens the passenger door.

"You were waiting for forty minutes in the cold? Why didn't you call sooner?" Steve asked pushing up his glasses as Wayne closes the door quickly. And well... Wayne doesn't know how to respond to that.

"I- I shouldn'ta had to call you in the first place, Steve. I'm real sorry" Wayne says as Steve pulls the car out of park and starts driving back towards the trailer park. Wayne glances over at Steve waiting for the kid to say something. They sit in heavy silence until Steve breaks it by clearing his throat.

"Just... I know you're probably mad at Eddie but- but don't yell at him. He's barely sleeping so he really just needs the rest. It's not his fault." Steve ends on a whisper.

A tidal wave of different emotions rip through Wayne. Affection for Steve's caring nature, immense gratitude that Eddie has someone like Steve in his life, disbelief that Steve would say something like that after being woken at nearly 4 in the morning. Wayne was sitting and staring at the most selfless kid he'd ever met. Steve fucking Harrington.

"You should date my nephew."

Steves eyes widen and the car swerves.

"Uh- s-sorry- what?" Steve stammers.

"If I could choose someone for him, the best option out there, I'd choose you." Wayne says honestly, and he didn't even know he'd been thinking it until this moment. But it's so true. After so many heartbreaks over truly terrible men that Wayne could never see the appeal of, Eddie deserves someone like Steve. Steve face softens before checking to make sure Wayne was being sincere. Steve cracks a smile and chuckles to himself.

"What, you think I'm jokin'?" Wayne asks defensively.

"No sir! Not at all. It's just Eddie and I have been dating for months already. BUT- but- thank you for saying that! It means so much to me and truly Eddie's the best thing-"

"You- what?" Suddenly Wayne is embarrassed. Blushing. How'd he... how'd he miss that? And well, he did have a few moments where he thought the two of them were awfully close for a pair of young men, at least one of which who was openly queer, but they'd been through a lot together.

"Why did no one tell me?" Wayne asks turning his face away from Steve who is desperately fighting a huge grin and losing.

"We thought you knew. We sleep in the same bed every night."

"You do what now? Thought you were sleepin' on the floor" Wayne knows he sounds like the protective dad of a teenage girl and not the uncle to an adult man, but his world was just turned sideways. Steve laughs at that and adjusts his glasses before stopping at the red traffic light which almost immediately turns green because no one is out at this hour.

"Oh well. Good, I'm glad then." Wayne says after his mind has stopped spinning. "And call me Wayne already, you basically live at my house." He punches Steve lightly in the shoulder.

"Okay." Steve agrees quietly. He pulls into Forest Hills and stops the car in front of the Munson's place. "Mind if I just check to make sure he's okay before I leave? For peace of mind?" Wayne opens the door and steps out.

"Oh so now you're playing coy about sharing a bed? Just sleep here, kid" Wayne closes the door and heads towards the house. Steve jogs a little to catch up. When they open the door, the sound of an obnoxious alarm comes pouring out from the back of the house which concerns both of them. But when Steve hurries to Eddie's room he sees that the idiot had fallen asleep with music blasting in his headphones. Wayne stops the alarm as Steve gently tries to remove the headphones from his ears pausing the tape inside.

Eddie suddenly stirs and blinks up at Wayne and Steve looking down at him.

"'S going on?" He croaks, rubbing his eyes. Wayne and Steve share a look before Wayne chuckles and pats Steve on the back once before thanking him and wishing him a good night on the way out. After the door closes behind Wayne, Eddie looks back up at Steve. "What's going on baby? What happened?"

Steve slips into the bed and scoffs, fondly. He curls around Eddie and pulls him into his chest. Once they've settled, Steve pushes his fingers through Eddie's until they're all intertwined.

"Did you forget something, Bambi? Was there someone you had to pick up from work at 3 in the morning?" Steve whispers into his neck. Suddenly Eddie shoots up and dislodges Steve where he was leaning against him. Steve groans.

"Shit! Shit shit shit shit shit"

"Eddie it's okay c'mere. He's home now, it's all good babe." But Eddie just stares at the wall and pulls a hand through his hair. "No one is mad, just come back here. Let's sleep." And Eddie hesitantly lies back down.

"Did Uncle Wayne have to call you? I'm so fucking sorry Stevie." Eddie asks, sounding embarrassed.

"We had a nice conversation on the way home so it all worked out. You're okay. Sleeeeep."

And right before they both fall asleep, Eddie whispers, "Thanks Stevie, love you."

[amorfista]

[WIP] "Shenanigans at the beach"

The Dad Batch (and Omega) deserve a day of blissful relaxation, I don't think there's anyone out there who wouldn't agree!

While Tech is taking the best nap of his life [Part 1], Omega and Wrecker joined efforts to make the coolest sand-Tipoca city there is out there!

But hold up just a second...

-"Hey Wrecker, look!"

"...now wouldn't it be a shame if someone was feeling extra mischievous today?" Omega thought to herself. Turning to her left, lips pressed in a smile, she discovered Wrecker mimicking her expression. Apparently, he had just read her mind >:).

Tech had felt such peace, such safety that he had fallen into a deep slumber, further fueled by his usual lack of sleep.

Tough seldom wrong, today he was.

Because at this moment Tech was, in fact, in grave danger.

...TO BE CONTINUED!!

[Part 3] [Part 4]

(Acknowledging the lil' banner for a fraction of a second, it's just something I'm testing out and would like some feedback if you'd be so kind to give it :)) I'll probably make it just a tad bit more refined and (possibly) include the members of the Batch appearing on the post? but I might just randomize it for fun too. Thank you for taking the time to read this!!)

OKAY SOO. I decided to post these two drawings that I completed a few days ago because:

- once again i deadass couldn't wait anymore💀

- I have decided to make as many "beach episode" themed drawings as I can during the summer (and fall if we get there cuz why not) so i'll just post them as I'm done with each of 'em! I have SO many ideas for it and I want it to be a big project and not some sketches as I had initially planned. I want to make it WHOLESOME and HEART MELTING!! Whenever I get burnt out or need some fresh air I'll draw other things, probably still within the Star Wars theme because the brainrot is real🤓, but just letting you know in advance because AAAH!! this is a big thing for me and I want to share it with you guys because love is all you've shown me and I want to reciprocate 💕 🥺 

- and last but DEF NITELY not least I want to celebrate thAT I REACHED 300+ FOLLOWERS TODAY!! AND ALSO 1000+ NOTES ON MY OMEGA DRAWING??!! IN LIKE NO TIME TOO!!? WHAT THE FRICK. THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!

Never before had my art had such an impact in a community. I am so grateful for all of your comments and interactions with my drawings, it's a ridiculous boost in inspiration and confidence :) It makes me want to push my limits every time!! So once again THANK YOU!!☺️ 💕 

Here's my taglist, just let me know if you wish to join!! ♥

@dukeoftheblackstar @justalittletomato @darthmaulshispanichousewife @botherbother-blog @aftergloom @badolmen @ihaventpickedausername @ohboi @stardustbee @nik-barinova @the-chains-are-the-easy-part @gen-has-green-vibes @ejfivercommander @herbalinz-of-yesteryear @eyecandyeoz @noesqape @lune-de-miel-au-paradis @staycalmandhugaclone @callmesunny04 @freesia-writes

[photogirl894]

Hey bestie! Congrats on 1300!!!!❤️❤️❤️

You deserve every single one of those followers and more!

Could you do the fluff prompt "Let me help you" with Hunter? Maybe the reader is really stressed/burnt out and Hunter just wants to take care of her. (If you wanna do it with a little hurt/comfort flair I definitely wouldn't mind 😂)

Thanks so much!

Thank you so much, my dear!! 💜 I'm happy to count you among my followers and friends!! 🥰

I got uh...slightly carried away with this one towards the end, I'll admit 😅 You'll see what I mean lol

"Emotional Engineering"

34. "Let me help you."

Pairing: Hunter x fem reader

***

Becoming an engineer was something you'd wanted since you were a teenager and you were asked in school the kind of career you wanted to pursue. You were smart and really good with ship parts, putting them together and fixing them and such. You thought becoming an engineer would be no problem.

Until you got to engineering school at the Republic Academy.

That was not easy by any means.

You were lucky to get an internship as an engineer working in the Republic shipyards that helped with some things during your schooling, but it still kept you busy and only added a bit more stress.

Then you were assigned to a squad during the war as part of your internship: Clone Force 99.

They were a fun group that you got along well with and they were supportive of your schooling, offering to help however they could. You were glad you got assigned to them...but it didn't help that you found yourself distracted by their leader, Sergeant Hunter.

You were so attracted to him in so many ways, it was almost ridiculous. Your thoughts wandered to him when you were supposed to be studying for exams and you couldn't focus. You imagined what it would be like if he held you...kissed you...roamed his hands and lips over your body....

"Stop that!" you'd say out loud to yourself before smacking your own face to break out of your daydream. You couldn't afford to think like that. One, because you were supposed to be studying and two, he was a soldier and technically, your commanding officer. There was no way he'd be interested in anything like that.

Those distractions paired with the stress of your schooling as well as your work was doing nothing for your physical and mental health.

You found yourself feeling burnt out eventually, pushing yourself to do more when you felt you couldn't go any further. You had to. You couldn't let yourself or your squad down, even if it was costing you sleep and time.

This was something Hunter soon noticed.

Concerned for you, he went to your apartment one day to check on you. When he got there, he saw your door was left unlocked, which was already a sign something was up. He walked inside and announced his presence, seeing you with your head down at your desk.

His voice woke you and you cried out, "Hydrospanner!" Then you groaned, realizing you'd fallen asleep again. This couldn't keep happening. You jumped when you heard Hunter say your name. "Hunter! What...how did you get in here?"

"You left your door unlocked," he told you. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," you said, even though your whole body felt heavy and exhausted. "I'm just trying to study for my final test."

"It looked like you were sleeping instead of studying," he remarked.

You shook your head. "No, really, I'm fine."

He walked up beside you and you had to look away. You were slightly freaking out that you two were alone in your apartment. Then he said, "You're not. You've been pushing yourself and not getting sleep. Don't think I haven't noticed. You should take a break."

"I can't. This test is too important. Once I take this test, I'll officially be an engineer."

"Then maybe I can help you study and keep you focused."

An involuntary squeak sounded from your throat at the proposition. You would be far from focused if he were there. "That won't be necessary, thanks," you replied quickly.

"Your heart rate just spiked," he pointed out. "Are you uncomfortable with me here?"

You whipped around in your chair to look up at him and blurted out, "No, no, it's not that! It's just...well, I...I wouldn't be able to focus at all if you were helping me."

He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head curiously. "Why is that?"

You could feel your face turning red and heating up. Guess there was no way out now. "It's because...I'm really attracted to you and part of why I'm struggling is because I'm constantly distracted thinking about you."

His eyebrows rose up in surprise for a moment at your confession. Then he asked you, "What sort of things about me do you think about?"

Your throat closed up and you convulsed slightly in embarrassment as you turned away, not wanting to share the thoughts you'd had about him. What would he even begin to think if he knew?

However, Hunter had been able to sense the rushing of your heartbeat and that gave away everything...which made him smirk with satisfaction.

He knelt down next to you and laid a hand on your shoulder. "Look, sweetheart, you either need a break or you need to keep studying. Either way, I want to be here for you." He reached up with his other hand and gently guided your face so he could look into your eyes. "Let me help you."

The sincerity and care in his voice finally made something break inside you and, before you realized what you were doing, you leaned down and crushed your lips against his, catching him slightly off guard. Just as you were about to pull away, his hand cradled the back of your head and held you in place as he eagerly kissed you in return, which shocked you, but in a good way. Then his hands slid down your body to your thighs, he gripped them and pulled you forward a little, wrapping your legs around his surprisingly thin waist. Once he knew you were secure, one arm wrapped around you and the other came under your leg as he lifted you off the chair and into the air.

Breaking the kiss, he breathed out, his eyes dark with desire, "I'm deciding for you: you're taking a break with me. And that's an order."

Still catching your breath from his amazing kiss, you simply replied, "Yes, sir."

He carried you over to your couch and laid you down on your back. As he climbed over you, he said in a husky voice, "I can help bring all of your fantasies about me to life. I'd love to know the things you think about or imagine about me."

Your whole body went hot at his remarks and you found yourself unable to respond, unable to believe this was really happening.

Brushing some stray hair from your face, he added, "Maybe then, you'll be less distracted and can focus on your test."

"I...think that'll only distract me more," you replied.

He grinned mischievously. "Only one way to find out." Then his mouth found yours once more and his arms pulled you into him, his passion overtaking both him and you.

Needless to say...you ended up passing your final engineering test with flying colors.

Photogirl894's Fluff/Romance prompts

Photogirl894's 1,300 Followers celebration fics

[highpri3stess]

"Why are we hating on JJK writers and fans."

Okay, as a JJK fan, let's list everything that has happened for the past three months. Take a seat and drink water. You're gonna need it. And since you people always think I'm angry, imagine me saying this with the most deadpan tone in the world. I am not angry posting this. I am jaded.

Majority of you are racist. Don't boo me you know it's the truth. Just look at how you guys wanted me to deactivate or tried to gaslight me because I said your fave is supporting a pedo. In FACT. It was a JJK writer who sent my post to that lady who opened me up to a lot of racial abuse from JJK fans. Edit; oh and she didn't apologize for doing that to me btw. I won't expose her though.

And doubling down on the racism, you people do not respect black women in your fandom. Like it is VERY bad. My jjk moots since 2021 up until now still get racial slurs hurled at them because they exist in a space that does not care or defend them. And you see your black moots get racist comments but you want to go "no discourse". I get it. You are a pussy. But to that extent? If you're above 20 and you're still scared of talking about racism in your community or standing up for black writers I am ashamed for you and I am shaming you.

I didn't even see any of you talk about noury on here. Especially ms "I will use the palestinian genocide to hide from criticism." I genuinely hope you at least donated something to her or spoke about her on your other platforms.

The way you guys excuse anything as long as the person is your friend. Because tell me why you people were jumping on Ezra's and Tee's dick, especially after what they both did. Or trying to discredit his racism. Be for real.

The way some of you come for other fandoms. JJK girls, especially that one that deactivated came around to drag aot writers because they said they are "niggerfying" the characters. You go to tr writers and start sending hate, chasing them out. Hell, there are cliques of JJK writers and fans alike on this site. You guys are fucking elitist. You don't like any other person apart from yourselves and it shows. The way you come for how people write x reader "why is she so ghetto". It is ALWAYS you people. Always.

SatoSugu fans are slowly becoming extremely misogynistic. I'd expect that behaviour from dudebros but the moment a girl says they like either of them, they come out of the woodworks. Also, let people ship crack ships in peace. I've been a satosugu girlie long before the season 2 came out and I miss when we were a lot quieter. NanaGo girlies were chill. Can't you copy them at least?

Now moving on to less pending reasons:

I've said this before and I'll say this again, stop tagging "he spat in your mouth and came" or nsfw links with x reader and about 30 plus characters. I get it, we're all burnt out. But even in my busiest of days in university I have NEVER posted that kind of shit. I take my time because writing is a skill and an art. This is not fast fashion.

And stop rewarding anyone who does that. Why are they having 1k notes in 6 hours? What the fuck is up with that?

Do better writing Gojo and hell the entire cast. I get it. Every character has a stereotype attached to them. But come on, 800 words and STILL it is a copy and paste of every other fic? I have to check twice if it is the same author and it's not. It's like every naruto oc fic written in 2016. Same face syndrome but in fic writing.

Writers are getting burned out cause you guys want the same thing over and over again. I hope salt is not the only spice you use because sending hate anons to JJK writers who write outside daddy doms and playboy Gojo is giving that energy. Be for real. These people are giving quality fics, stop chasing them away.

These are my few gripes with you all, because one day is not enough to list every issue I have. If the shoe fits and you rant in my inbox, that's on you. I did tell you to take a seat, drink water and read this in the calmest voice as possible.

[licorice-lips]

Okay, so what's happening in Palestine and The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes/The Hunger Games have been on my mind lately (it's really all I think about, but okay), and I was thinking about the State of Nature of human beings and society as a whole and I got to some points to take out of my heart:

I've always been told that the world is a bad place, that the world is dark and bleak, the whole circus, and the first actual conversation I remember having about this was with my dad:

We had just left the theaters after watching Joker and I remember being really shocked and taken aback by the raw violence in it - not only the physical violence, but the underlying violence as well, the cruelty of it all - and my father saw this. I remember him saying in a kind of patronizing way that "that's the world" and that was the first time I remember being reluctant to accept that as a fact.

The second time I was put in contact with that point of view about the world was actually with my therapist: I was leaving an abusive relationship and I'm not sure whether she was referencing the abusive person's way of thinking or making a point to me about it, but she said that the world was cruel and egotistical. And once again I felt this really strong reluctance to accept that.

And it was only now, with TBOSAS and Palestine, that I finally pieced it together: I was reluctant because even if the world - the social and economic system we were raised in, the very system that depends on inequality and unfairness to prevail - is a bleak and cruel and unforgiving world, the same is not true at all for people because every time I look at people, there is always - amidst greed and cruelty and ignorance - someone, a lot of someones really, who stand up and do the right thing, like Katniss, or who is kind and protest in their own way, like Peeta.

I've read somewhere as well that anthropology has one main and silent principle: that people have always been people, in the sense that there were always people who loved each other so very much they were willing to die for them (it doesn't matter how different our concept of love is) but there were also people who drew dicks in walls because they were bored. And I know that has nothing to do with TBOSAS and the whole thing I was talking about in the beginning but bear with me for a second, I'll lead this back to where we started, okay?

When the Titanic was sinking (and I learned that from ashling on TikTok, okay) there was an ongoing stream of messages being sent everywhere in the seas that can be translated into messages of help, of worry, of discussions on how to help the Titanic and the people there, but not only that, the ship that rescued the people from Titanic, the Carpathia, actually almost burnt their engines trying to speed to the last coordinates of the Titanic so they could help out without thinking twice.

And that really struck me, not only because it's obviously a take on human kindness but because it resonates with what I was told before: the world is bleak - the very tale of the Titanic is the greed that created the catastrophe. But in the middle of that, around all of it, there are so many tales of compassion, humanity, and kindness that it's overwhelming, not only for the ships around the Titanic but in the very ship as well, like the musicians that stayed and played to the end to comfort the people.

And again, that reminds me of Palestine, how it's being destroyed by greed for oil and gas, how it's being destroyed by a belief system that dehumanizes Palestinian people. And still, in the middle of all of that, we see every day the Palestinian people fighting any way they can in the kindest of ways, by giving food to people even if they have little of it because they know their neighbors are starving, by going to bombarded places where there's shrapnel and rubble everywhere in flipflops and with no gear on because people need saving, by staying in occupied hospitals because their patients need them.

The courage of it all, the kindness, the fairness, and faith - it's all so Good it's almost suffocating. But more than that: the humanity with which we saw H'mmas' hostages being treated by them, the millions of people protesting everywhere in the entire world, the people crying all over TikTok, the people who are making themselves sick of preoccupation over those millions of people in Gaza and the West Bank. I look at this and it made me realize that the world might be dark, it might be cruel and unforgiving, but people are not.

And I stand for this: when it comes down to the people, we are good.

And it's really maddening to think about Snow and his own view of the world and how he thinks people at their very core are evil and therefore refuses to be influenced by every evidence of the contrary, by every tribute which shows kindness and compassion in the Arena, by every act of love and selflessness throughout not only his own book but The Hunger Games trilogy as well because it's how some people really view the world and project this to humans.

He refuses to see the humanity in Lucy Gray coming back to save him after the bombing of the Arena, or the humanity of Lamina killing Marcus out of mercy, or Reaper's insistence on remaining kind to Dill as well as the other fallen tributes. He refuses to see the kindness in Sejanus' insistence on honoring Marcus with their district traditions, the deep empathy and regret in Dean Highbottom for his own foolishness, or even Tigris's selfless acts to support her family in every way she could.

He refuses to see the kindness, the goodness, the selflessness in the middle of the dark and cruel environment - world - the Capitol had created for all of them.

But people have always been people, we've always been the Kindness, the goodness that makes us protest and boycott, the empathy that makes us sick at having to bear witness to such horrors that are being done to our own. And that's because - as I referenced in my other essay about this - we humans thrive on community.

When we talk about our State of Nature, I genuinely believe that, if we were in fact evil in our cores, we'd be unable to form communities because they can only be formed through connection. And the more I see people, the more I see attempt, after attempt, after attempt to connect with people any way we can: could be through our phones, watching and bearing witness to the pain of others; through our protests and marches, screaming for our own to be saved because we know they're hurting; we are, everywhere at every time, connecting with people, even people when shouldn't be connecting with - like villains such as Snow.

And I think the first weapon of brainwashing beliefs such as fascism, nazism, and Zionism, is the suffocation of our children's ability to connect - with a targeted group, at first, but then everyone else that protects or "sides" with the targeted groups. As I typed that, I remembered a video I saw of Israeli kids being taught a song about destroying Gaza and its people by their mother.

And that's so sad for so many reasons, but especially because the suffocation of our children's ability to connect is the very doom of their existence - not only because it's isolating but also because we only thrive when we cooperate, since the beginning of our History. To suffocate our ability to empathize is to doom them to a very isolated and fearing-based life, it's why great empires based on dictatorships have always fallen - because connected people do not betray, connected people do not falter in their loyalty, but people who are only together out of collaboration - like the careers, or the US and Israel? To gain something from it?

They cheat and betray, and that's no basis for a thriving society..

It's ironic, really.

[tokyo-chainsaw-dragon]

I'm telling you, my roommate... (18+ MDNI) PART 2

A/N: This is part 2 of "I'm telling you, my roommate...", so if you haven't read part 1 yet, I'd suggest that you read it first before this one.

warnings: 18+ MDNI, NSFW, pervert!roommate!Aki, Aki x Fem!reader, mention of Aki having a folder of photos, confessions (trust me, we'll get there to the spicy part).

You finally figured out what's going on with Aki, the fact that he's a pervert. Still shocked about this newly-found information, you decide to go around his room to find anything else.

You look underneath his bed, nothing. You look through his clothing drawers, still nothing. You spend an hour just searching every nook and cranny of Aki's room, trying to get answers for this.

The only place you haven't searched was his desk. Shit. You think to yourself. Out of all places why did ha—

Your thoughts were cut off by your phone's ringtone. It was Aki. You knew that you were going to be screwed, so you picked up the phone anyway.

"Hey, Aki, what's up?" You say in a mere nervous tone.

"I'll be back in about an hour or so," Aki says in a near angered tone, "the fucking traffic's backed up again." He sighs after saying that.

"Okay, well I'm kind of getting bored." You lied, already knowing that you weren't bored and were too busy trying to solve your roommate's pervertedness. "See you when you get back then."

You hang up and put your phone back in your pocket, sighing of relief that it wasn't that bad. You get back to your thoughts and searching Aki's desk.

After looking through a few drawers, you eventually find a folder that looked like it was halfway to its verge of bursting and falling apart. You open the folder and horror strikes your eyes, finding photos of yourself. Holy fuck.

Suddenly you hear a faint click and realize that Aki's back. You were beyond burnt toast if he found out, so you very quickly put the folder back in the drawer, close it shut and rush out of his room. Confession time.

"I knew it! You're a fucking perv!" You scream at him.

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm not a perv." Aki argues.

"Yes you are! Is that why you stole my panties? Is that why you have a folder with photos of me?! Is it beca—"

"Yes it is!" Aki cuts you off. "It's because I don't just like you, Y/N. I... actually love you."

You felt like you've just been shot. This man actually loves you.

Part 3

[little-bumblebeeee]

Moonlight - part 2

Werewolf!Steve Harrington x vampire!Eddie Munson

a teeeeny tiny bit of angst but don't worry

A little bit shorter than I'd like and I'm realizing this might have more parts than I bargained for (also not proofread if you see mistakes no you don't)

Part 1 :)

They avoid each other like the plague. Well, it's mostly Steve avoiding Eddie a little more than usual. He even starts sending Tommy to buy weed instead of just getting it himself, which means that no, that was not in fact a weird ass dream and Steve most definitely is a werewolf. And Eddie called him a good boy. He doesn't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that he cuddled with him like he was a dog or the fact he kind of misses that. Eddie doesn't even attempt to talk to him. He didn't before, why would he now?

But the next full moon has Eddie wanting to go back to those woods. As he hears those cries and howls, he feels the strange need to go back out and help Steve again. So what does he do? He grabs the now cold McDonald's burger he was about to eat and his bag, as well as a pet brush because he doesn't want his fingers getting caught in Steve's matted fur again, walking briskly back to those woods. Just as last time, when Eddie peeks through the trees, he sees the big brown wolf curled up and whining, clearly still in a little bit of pain. "Steve?" Eddie asks tentatively. Steve's head perks up, looking around before his familiar burnt caramel eyes land on Eddie. He jumps up, bounding over to Eddie and tackling him to the ground.

Oh. Great. Eddie's dying now. His throat is gonna be ripped out and Steve is only licking his face to get a taste of Eddie before he absolutely devours him and- okay now why is that making him think about human Steve sucking his- anyways back to Eddie about to die. Which.. isn't happening. Steve hops off of Eddie, tail wagging as he digs his nose into Eddie's bag, fishing out the burger and finishing it off in a single bite, not even chewing once. "Steve.. hey. Uh.." Eddie stammers, sitting up and scooting back a bit. Steve is a lot more affectionate in this form, and Eddie just assumes that Steve doesn't remember shit because in what world would Steve Harrington want anything to do with Eddie Munson? Especially since... well, they have reasons for calling him a "freak" that aren't just about his looks. The one time he tried his hand at asking out a guy, it backfired horribly, and now practically everyone in Hawkins knows he's- that he's...

Different.

He was young. Tried to prove everyone "wrong" by asking out a girl he kind of liked, just to get people to think the rumors weren't true. But it only worsened things somehow, making him eternally damned to be "the freak". Why did life put him here? It's just his luck to be practically tortured his whole life then be told he's going to hell as if he's not already there. Maybe he has died. Maybe this is hell. He's only having this nice moment with Steve as he lays his head on Eddie's lap because it's a way for him to get his hopes up, for him to be happy for at least a few moments before it all comes crashing down again before he even gets the chance to savor it.

He's tired of it. He's tired of getting his hopes up, of crying, of dealing with.. everything. He's just. So. Tired.

Eddie looks back down at the werewolf lying in his lap when he feels Steve's wet nose nudge against his hand, big brown eyes looking right back up at him with a look that almost appears to be worry in his eyes. "Hey, Steve." He says quietly, running his ringed fingers through the light brown fur of the large animal. It's like a sliver of light, a shot of caffeine to wake him up. He feels a little more okay like this, even if his chest aches knowing Steve will only avoid him further by tomorrow. But tonight, he'll savor this tonight.

Before life rips it all away from Eddie, he'll savor this.

part 3

Tag list: @manda-panda-monium (that's it, you can totally ask to be on the tag list if you want, I'll add you no hesitation)

[doubledyke]

Comparing Edd to Eddy, which of the two you would say gone through the worst shit throughout the show?

(regarding both their homelifes AND all the bad stuff across the episodes too).

putting this under the cut cuz it gets pretty miserable lmao

also, i'm including ed.

as far as the canon of the show and movie i'll go with eddy obviously because of the whole bro thing, and bc he's most often the target of everyone's rage. at least with ed and edd, there seems to be a baseline of decency and occasional kindness from the other kids. as soon as eddy rears his square head, everyone's groaning and patting at their pockets. nazz and rolf are okay towards him a couple times i guess, but it ends in disaster nonetheless.

still going strictly by canon events i'd say edd is next. he's so damn stressed the entire time that it stresses ME out. eddy and ed put him through a lot both mentally and physically. he's so frail 😭 he can't handle all that.

ending with ed just cuz he comes off as impervious to any physical harm, and blocks a lot of the mental stuff as a defense mechanism. he does whatever he can to stay in his happy place and he's gotten really good at it. not saying he doesn't go through anything or that he isn't affected, he's just the least affected of the three.

we don't have a ton to go off of in terms of their home life, which is totally fine by me. preferable in fact. as a disclaimer, it's generally shitty to compare trauma, but they're cartoon characters so i'll compare their *fictional* trauma lmao. all just my opinion etc., etc.

during the run of the show, my opinion is that ed has it the worst at home. i imagine that he's made to feel very much like the red headed step-child. it's his parents and sarah teaming up against him, blaming him for all their problems. belittling, degrading and and if he's lucky, ignoring him. his dad really just reacts to what his wife and daughter tell him, but he reacts just the same. ed is cast to the basement and they all try really really hard to pretend that he doesn't exist. maybe his dad takes pity on him from time to time and buys him a comic or a movie behind his wife's back. or maybe he doesn't. he certainly doesn't want to ruffle feathers and make himself more miserable than he already is. come on, he just got off work. and once again, ed checks out to survive. i think there would be a point where ed and edd kinda look at each other and are like "what the fuck" in response to seeing ed's treatment first hand. we kind of get something close to that in the show when ed tells them they literally took his stairs.

edd is next i guess cuz he's got such a terrible wake up call in his future. realizing that no dude, it's not even slightly normal to communicate with your parents strictly via sticky note. it's not normal for a kid to be expected to take care of every single chore and task around the house. and all the books, all the academic achievements, all the folded socks in the world aren't gonna make them love you. then dealing with his (i always use this word) DEBILITATING anxiety on top of all that? i've said it before but he's straight up burnt out by the end of the show at age 12/13.

edd by the start of bps:

i put eddy last bc at least during the show his home life seems relatively normal. his mom is very obviously doting and his dad is okay as long as he keeps that wrist tight. with bro gone, the immediate threat is neutralized, and he's in no hurry to unpack anything going on internally. much like the other two, there's a major realization and subsequent struggle in his future. but he's slightly more deluded than edd and is actually the last of the three to accept that his childhood was fucked up. even after bps, he kinda knows, but he's incapable of accepting that he was a victim. bruises heal, what's the big deal? bro didn't have to do all that in front of everyone though, geez. his self worth is so low that he doesn't believe his experiences can be considered abuse. he's the one that pissed his brother off, after all. and so on and so forth. anywho, if bro still lived in the house i'd probably put him at the top of the list cuz like... not to get too dark here but idk man "accidents" happen and who knows if bro could've been stopped if no one was around. my personal hc as to why bro left or was forced to leave is that there was a really close call.

so yeah they all have fucked up home lives and day to day lives. they're so miserable 🥺 yes i will compound it 🥹

[runningfrom2am]

congratulations on 500 !! u deserve it all ur writing is literally perfect

🪐 - this might be difficult (bc the song isnt by taylor swift) but can u write something about rafe cameron based on the song “goodbye kiss” by ‘kasabian’ ? pls be angsty as it’s such a sad and beautiful song <33

omg thank you for requesting this!! i’ve never heard that song before but now i’m listening to it ON REPEAT it is so good omg!!

(ps: sorry i’m advance for the heartbreak you’re about to witness and i hope this is what you wanted!!)

Goodbye Kiss (r.c)

pairing: rafe x reader

wc: 1.1k

Rafe had known for some time now that your relationship was volatile and dangerous. He knew that after you both helped his father drop the body of their pilot into the ocean with the earliest part of the sunrise washing over them, everything was getting too crazy. What scared him the most was the way you didn't ask questions, you helped without hesitating- and he stared at you as you nodded intently, listening to who you imagined would one day be your father-in-law while he asked the two of you to find and dispose of the gun Rafe had used to kill the sheriff. The morning breeze brushed through your hair as it fell messily out of the braids you'd put in the night before, and the side of your face was bathed in the light of the sunrise. And as he watched you wipe the stray blood off your skin with a rag, Rafe realized he had never loved you more.

You had been at his side when he shot his sister in the Bahamas, and you had watched with a straight face as they drove off with the gold- Rafe could see in your eyes that you would never tell a soul. He trusted you endlessly, and you trusted him. Rafe was starting to see that this adventure you were on could only end in one of you facing a similar fate, in the name of money, and in the name of love. You would die for each other in a heartbeat. You were perfect for each other, in the most terrifying possible way.

"I'm okay, Rafe- I'm just... I don't know, a little burnt out." You sigh, rubbing your forehead as you stand in the driveway. "I'll get over it. It's fine."

"I get that, I just- it's so... everything is so crazy I just don't know what to do." He replies quietly.

You look at him in confusion. Ward got the gold back, and you were back home safe and sound. It was all over. "What is there left?" You settle on.

"I killed someone, Y/N/N!" Rafe snaps, throwing down the blood-stained rag he was now using to wipe down his bike. "I killed someone, my dad did too, and I shot my sister and you don't give a shit! What is wrong with us?"

Your eyes widen in shock, unsure what to say. "I- I... of course I care, Rafe. What did you want me to do? Run to the cops and get you locked up for life? I'm not doing that, so what choice did I have other than to help?"

Rafe sighs as he looks around. "That's not the point- obviously I didn't want that." He shakes his head. "I just- I don't know, our lives are just so fucked now. I never wanted this."

"Okay, it's okay..." You hold your hands out to him, grasping his in your own. "We'll get you help, like you wanted. We'll get on a better path, it's over now. Yeah?"

Rafe looks down at your small hands wrapped around his, and the healing bruises that adorn your skin in a hue of yellow and green. "I don't know that it is." He shakes his head.

"Sure it is." You smile hopefully. His eyes glide up to your face, and his breath hitches in his throat as he looks at your expression. You have this aura of innocence around you, like you haven't done horrible things for him and his family. Things he would never expect of you, but this lifestyle he dragged you into has changed you enough to allow for that kind of recklessness. You're the kindest person he has ever known, if he truly loved you, how could he turn you into something you were never meant to be?

He shakes his head again. "Maybe it's time for us to break up, Y/N." He says, before he can fully think it through. He trusts his impulses fully, and this is what he feels is right. For you, especially.

Your face falls and you loosen your hold on his hands. "What? Why..? I'm not upset with you- if that's what you think, I don't care what you've done, Rafe-" You plead, hoping he doesn't mean it.

"No, no I know you don't." He assures you. "I just- this can't end well. Open your eyes. Seriously, this can only end with one of us dead. And I won't let it be you."

You stare at him in shock, not sure what to say. "I... I only care about you..." You whisper, lip wobbling as you look up at your boyfriend. The love of your life- you were so sure he was the only guy for you. How could he do this?

"Don't cry, baby. Please, don't.." Rafe shakes his head at you, squeezing your hands. He doesn't want to watch you cry, he doesn't want to hurt you, but it's for the best. He can hardly remember the last time things were normal for you. The last time you went out for dinner or watched a movie together. It wasn't fair.

"I just don’t understand.” You reply, tears welling up in your eyes as you look up at him.

“I know.. I know. I just have to do what I have to for my family, be the man I ought to be, this whole gold situation has got me going insane and that isn’t fair to you.” Rafe explains, trying to keep a strong front as he drops your hands.

You instantly wrap your arms around his waist, hugging him and burying your face in his chest. “Okay…” You agree hesitantly. You know Rafe will do anything for his family, he’s always fighting for his dads approval, and if that is what he feels is more important right now, you will let him make that decision. No words could save this.

He hugs you back, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he feels you shake in his arms. It’s his fault, all of it. You pull away after a moment and quickly wipe your eyes. “I should probably go home, then…” You mumble, avoiding his eyes now as you pick your bag up off the ground, starting to walk away.

“Y/N?” Rafe calls after you, his voice shaky as you head toward your car, which had looked so normal in their driveway for over a year now. You look up at him, fighting back a sob as you see him standing there. He doesn’t look like the boy you fell in love with anymore. You didn’t see him change. When did he change?

“I hope that someday we’ll meet again.”

You nod softly at this, unable to speak as you get in your car and quickly drive away, tears streaming down your cheeks. You had to go your way, and Rafe has to go his.

taglist: @bookishbabyyy @madelynie , @whore-4-drewstarkey, @slut4drudy , @winterrrnight , @totalswag , @sadfury @fullfledgedemo @rafemotherfuckingcameron , @urfaveluvr , @chenslucy , @hxnnah-397 , @s-we-e-t-t-ea , @tahliac11 , @ragingsammie , @ietss , @dee127

[bangtaninborderland]

Risk It All (28) - loneliness can’t be fixed.

Genre: Chishiya x f!reader. | eventual smut | angst.

Warning: typical themes for Alice in borderlands.

A/N: one more update and then everything is up to date and I can keep posting new chapters!

Prev| MasterList |Next

"I got you some water." An smiles sadly as she places the glass on the dresser at the end of the bed, the sun just high enough to cast a dull light in the room. "You should eat."

You shook your head from where it was buried underneath Chishiyas's pillow. "No."

"Come on." She taps her foot against the floor, the old floorboards creaking underneath hers "Wallowing here won't change anything. Chishiya is slimy, he will walk out of that game, no matter what it is, without a scratch."

"Maybe not but it makes me feel better about it." You groan.

"Up. Now." This time it's Kuina who tries but unlike An her approach isn't as soft. "When he comes back you want to look put together, not be sitting in your sweaty sheets so up, now, shower, eat, read a book, cry. I don't care but get up." She throws the blanket off despite your grip, it hits the wall and drops onto the floor, her now empty hands find yours without an issue, pulling you up with a grunt.

"You're mean."

She smiles, her nose scrunching. "You're moping. Up."

"You're like a mother." You huff. "Determined."

"Well, that's the best way to be." She defends unbothered. "You're going to get up, help me make breakfast, eat, shower and then we are going to brainstorm a little as I found a few maps and thought we could figure out how the city has been divided for the next games so when Chishiya does, and he will return we have something worked out."

"Are you sure you don't want to go back to the camper you were at?" You ask, one eye open.

"Nope, you've spoiled me with a life of luxury here, up." She finally drags you up and for the first time, you let her.

Withering away in bed was definitely a depressing act that Chishiya would be disgustingly against but then again he wasn't here.

"No thinking." She chastises. "Let's be positive."

You're grateful for her, you truly are. "Okay."

"Great." She snaps her fingers, and points at An. "You shower first, we will make breakfast."

An agreed without argument, seemingly happy to be relieved from cooking duty. "So what do you want to make?"

"I don't know." She hums as she dances around the kitchen, pulling out random things from the cupboard. "What about oats and fruit?"

"When, if, we go back to the real world I am never so much as looking at fruit again." You groan, moving to help her boil the water needed for the meal. "I miss real food."

"Me too." She laughs, cutting up canned fruits - a staple in your miserable diet.

You liked Kuina so much because she knew when you needed a moment to yourself, she knew when to impose and when to let you find peace in the thoughts that have your mind whirring continuously but she also knew when to pull you out of your own head.

"Make sure you don't let it go lumpy!" She chides, stirring the pot for you when you zone out. "God, can you imagine Chishiya coming back to a burnt-down house because someone couldn't focus?"

"If he comes back." You supply.

She turned the heat down, the food was practically ready to be out until serving bowls. "He will."

"I'm sorry I'm being so dramatic about this." You apologise helplessly. "I'm just worrying."

"It's okay to worry but this isn't the kind of world where you can get lost in thought. Yes, this house is nice but it isn't impenetrable, you have to be aware." She says the words softly but you know her well enough to know how serious she is.

And she was right.

"I'll do better." You promise. "I won't be the reason we all die."

"Now who said anything about dying?" An smiles as she towels at her hair. "Let me plate this up, you two go and set out the maps."

Kuina takes your hand and leads you to the table. "So we found these earlier, we know that the border was visible from the beach so we can start there and work our way around."

"Wait." An carries in two bowls, placing them in front of Kuina and yourself before returning to collect hers along with the necessary cutlery. "Okay keep going."

Kuina smiles at her fondly as she pops a piece of fruit in her mouth and pics up a pen. "So if we start here we can figure out where the games so far have been and try and find a pattern.

"I had mine here." You pick up a pen circling the familiar locations, thankfully street signs still exist in this world. "Chishiya mentioned that the further out it got the more it looked as though the forest was consuming the city."

"Okay so." An picks up a pencil near her. "The caravan we were at was around here, the border was really close to us."

Kuina and An both mark places they remember playing games. "It's as though it's a big circle."

"So is this some kind of dome?" You ask. "What happens if you step outside of it?"

"Remember the room at the train station?" An points to the building on the map. "When we went it had been cleared out but that doesn’t change the fact that they had to have people controlling the game and I think they still do but the forest is there to stop us accessing them. Having them directly in the borderlands is too risky.”

It was a plausible theory. "Or they needed to make the arena smaller because there's no rules and no one to manage the game."

Kuina sits quietly to the side whilst you and An riff off one another until she jumps up as though being struck by some genius idea. "Wait, Mira was at the beach so we can presume she had easy access in and out of the arena - if we are calling it that - but where did she go when we all left the beach? Did either of you see her?"

You'd been so caught up in the situation with Chishiya you hadn't given it much thought. "No, An?"

"No. After Kuina and I got separated I headed outside as fast as possible. Why?"

Kuina slumped back down. "I didn't see her after that, no one had because I remember someone making a comment about it when we made the fire the same night. I thought she had died in the building but she didn't, she must have had an exit relatively close to be able to slip away unseen."

"You think the exit is  near the beach?" You ask. "Wouldn't someone have found it already?"

She shook her head. "Not necessarily, we believed the only way out was through the train station so we focused our attempts there but I think there's a reason the border was so close to the beach and one of the people running this shit show happened to be there."

"It's not a bad thought but does it even matter where the exit is? I doubt they will let us walk out of here that easily. Clearly, they aren't above murder." You point out.

"No, but if we could get people together we may be able to force our way out." You all know it's unlikely but it's a hope you feel she needs so you don't argue over it.

An finishes her food, placing her spoon in her now empty bowl. "I think the only way we are getting out is by completing the cards but I do think they have another entrance and exit. They clearly don't reside in this part of the borderlands."

"So what exactly do you think the borderlands are?" You put your bowl aside, the small appetite you had already been fulfilled.

Kuina sighs dejectedly. "I have no idea but I think that our death here is very much permanent."

"Do you think we die in the real world when we die here?"

"I'm sure it's something people have considered and tried but there's no real way for us to know if that's true or not and I don't think it's worth risking it." An is realistic in a way you can't help but appreciate it.

"This is pointless, we need to go out and actually explore but we can't because there's a freaking gun-wielding maniac with a specific goal to kill everyone in sight." Kuina spits.

Brainstorming was a good way to pass the time but it led to nothing and left you feeling more annoyed and clueless than you had been an hour earlier. "How long do you two have on your visas?"

"A few days." Kuina eyes An. "Both of us only have a few days."

"You'll have to play again." The oats feel too heavy for your stomach.

An confirms it. "We will."

"When?"

"Whenever the next blimp comes, we were going to go with Chishiya but I didn't want to leave you alone."

You grabbed a pillow hitting her with it. "You could die because your visa runs out and you chose to babysit me over joining a game?!"

She bats you away. "If Chishiya dies, he won't but if he does, you'll be distraught and I couldn't put you through that."

Your heart softens at her thoughtfulness. Even in a world like this people like Kuina existed making an unbearable life a little easier. You take her hand in yours.  "You're important to me too, both of you and I don't want any of you to come to harm. The thought of losing you to a game it's unfathomable. I need you both, you and Chishiya but I don't want you risking your safety for me."

"We want you to be okay." An holds out her hand and you happily accept that too. "Thank you for caring about us and giving us a place to find some semblance of peace and comfort."

"You'll always be welcome here." You hated how it seemed like a goodbye but you didn't want them to leave in a hurry and the three of you had no time to talk. "We need to do something fun, I found something I think you will enjoy."

You ignore their questions as you skip to the bedroom, pulling out the box of makeup you had come across when you tried to find some suitable clothes.

"Oh, my makeup." Kuina hopped up, taking the box from your hands to empty the contents across the forgotten maps. "Makeovers, now."

"I'll get some snacks." An taps your leg, taking the bowls into the kitchen.

"She takes care of you." You observed

Kuina looks towards the door An had gone through. "She does."

"You deserve it." You wink at her, pulling out a tube of mascara. "Do you think I'll get an infection from using someone else's makeup?"

"Can't be worse than getting an infection from the deadly games we play." She shrugs.

You can't help but laugh, it wasn't a funny situation but the reality that had become your new normal was unbelievable. "Tasteful."

"Why thank you, come here let me see if this is your shade."

"And if it isn't?" You look between the foundation and her face.

She shrugs, grabbing a sponge. "Then you'll be orange."

An laughs, carefully dropping a few packets of crackers and cookies on the table. "All you need in a world of death is to look exactly like an Oompa Loompa."

"Accurate." Kuina agrees.

You aren't sure exactly when you stop overthinking but as the hours pass the worries that had kept you chained to your bed pass, replaced by awful jokes that would definitely have all three of you swiftly removed from a comedy club, makeup that looked much better than you'd thought and snacks that were stale but still good enough to enjoy.

You hoped in your heart you'd get to have this with them even outside of this world.

Now you'd found your people you weren't sure you'd ever be ready to let them go, you couldn't say what you'd do if it came to be that you'd lose them all by returning to the 'normal world'.

"Stay still." Kuina taps Ans leg. "I don't want to stab you in the eye with this wand."

"It's not my fault you're making me laugh."

Kuina playfully rolls her eyes. "Well, I'll shut up then."

You're content watching them in their little bubble until the house starts shaking, a noise loud enough to have you all dropping down for cover.

The sound moves. "It's moving over us!"

"Outside quickly!" Kuina shouts.

All three of you scramble outside, still wary of danger. "What is it?"

"It's loud." An shouts, the mechanical whirring making it hard to hear her even as she stood behind you. "Oh my god."

A blimp passes overhead, and the Queen of Clubs card is visible from where you all stand.

"Well, that was fast." You mutter dryly.

There was a joke to be made about the situation, the three of you in full glam makeup watching a blimp pass over your makeshift house, a blimp that carried a card indicating a game where people were bound to die, but you just couldn't find it in you to make one.

Neither could Kuina or An, it made sense, they would be joining that exact game.

And you'd be all alone.

[kindlespice]

🍉 actual hiatus 🍉

hi hi! so... it's been a while! *checks notes* i have not posted since august... of last year x.x i've been lurking around a bit occasionally dropping likes here and there, but for the most part been entirely absent. i feel like it's wayyyy past time for me to check-in, let everybody know i'm okay and all that jazz. but i am declaring this an actual hiatus now

tl;dr

i lost the simblr itch, i thought "surely it will come back" but it never came back and now i'm hyperfixating on other things.

i'm gonna put specifics under a read more if anyone's that interested in what i've been doing, what i will be doing, where i'll be hanging out now, etc. but it's really nothing big or major--just interests changing.

⭐ my content + patreon

(since it's kinda important and i want everyone to be able to see this) i'm not deleting this account and i'm still keeping my content up both on patreon and sfs! you will still be able to download things for free!!! i will be deleting my patreon tier! even though it was basically a donation tier, i feel bad keeping it up knowing i'm consciously not making more sims content (or being really active in the community) for the foreseeable future i'll be reaching out to existing patrons and making a similar post over there as well about the tier change!

i also wanna say thank you to everyone who's ever followed, donated, liked, commented, messaged, lurked or just been sweet and kind to me ❤️! simblr will always have a special place in my heart, so i don't think i'll ever leave leave, but i owe it to you guys to let you know that i'm making the conscious decision to be inactive for some time.

as a closing statement, fk isr*el and i am absolutely 100% without a doubt full stop

AGAINST GENOCIDE AND FOR A 🍉 FREE PALESTINE 🍉

you should be too if you're any kind of decent human being :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

⭐what will happen to my account?

nothing really. or at least nothing different from how it's been for the last year and some change XD like i said, i'm still keeping my blogs up, downloads won't move, etc. i am just committing to not actively posting content or really being on simblr that much. maybe i'll drop some likes or comments when the mood hits (like i have been), but not really much else. i guess if there's any questions about this i'll answer them since my active attention will be back on simblr for at least a few days while i clean some things up. i would like to do one last thing as a kind of parting gift at some point... i never did end up cleaning up my downloads page or organize the thumbs/sorting for my cc like i said i would so maybe i'll do that before it gets away from me again but i'm not making any promises

⭐why am i on hiatus?

nothing bad happened or anything, i just.... lost interest. I already wasn't really playing the game that much even when i was super active; i mostly just took pictures and did edits. but i just wasn't having as much fun as i used to, opening the game started feeling like a chore, i wasn't all that inspired to make content, etc. i've burnt out on simblr on many an occasion so i just took a break like i always do but it kept going...and going.......and going.........until i realized it had been FOREVER and i hadn't really felt the itch to create here during that time, it wasn't coming back, and i was having much more fun doing other stuff. the times i did consider coming back it was more bc i felt bad about not creating rather than any actual desire to create. so i had to think long and hard about whether or not i even really wanted to come back. and i flip-flopped for probably 6 months--trying to drum up creative projects and never committing--before coming to the conclusion that i think i just need to call it a hiatus XD

⭐what have i been up to?

annoying my family with boycott lists and making them buy alternatively :D bouncing back and forth between many different hyperfixations... i fell back down the skyrim rabbithole several times, genshin, stardew, acnh, made a million notion pages i'll never use--the usual suspects. BUT BG3! at one point i swore i was gonna come back end of july/early aug but then BG3 dropped early and it was over... i definitely did A LOT of heavy lurking here when the girlies were all posting GORGEOUS tavs omg... i spent a while getting ts3 up and running, even made a sideblog thinking "maybe i'll come back with ts3 content that would be cool!"... just to not end up playing and not using the sideblog and not coming back -.- 4LIENS were supposed to have a comeback like... 4 separate times and it just did not happen... i've been making a concerted effort to get back into drawing and art. i've been in a kind of... depression? slump? with it for years now; always feeling like it wasn't good enough, that i should be better since i'm so "gifted and talented", i should be monetizing it and not "wasting" all that skill, blah blah imposter syndrome blah blah getting frustrated when i'm not 100% perfect all the time blah blah feeling like a disappointment to my family blah blah... but i am HELLA sick and tired of having all this anxiety and fear surrounding something i used to love so much so i'm pushing through! i've been trying out lots of different mediums and actually using my sketchbooks and just generally trying to introduce more fun into the process and stop being so hard on myself all the time. i picked up crocheting for a bit. at this point i haven't touched it in so long i probably forgot how to do it but... maybe one day i'll make a blanket or smth I started journalling (relatively) regularly for a bit. i was feeling really down at several points throughout the year and i thought having daily entries would help combat the feeling like every day was just absolute shit. on the contrary, the majority of days are good--at worst mundane--the bad ones just tend to stick out more. trying to get back into reading again... i miss doing it for leisure and taking notes bc i want to and not because i have a 300 annotation school assignment :P and a whole bunch of other stuff probably but it's hard to remember every single thing that's been on my mind for 16 months lol

⭐what will i be doing / where can you find me now?

i'm hoping to start a webtoon/build up art socials in the new year as a part of my "reconnecting to art" process. i made some art socials @kbearie-art here and @/kbearie_art on insta, youtube, tiktok, and twitter; they're empty for now though bc i got scared the minute i made them and never posted anything -.- but i'll be real with you... twitter is a cesspool, and im not fond of tiktok so i think tumblr, insta and youtube will probably be where i'll dedicate my time i've been thinking about getting back into posting videos on youtube again just in general. in fact this thought was the final push for me to make this post bc i was like... if i post a video out of the blue with no word to simblr that would be fked up XD i play games all the time and i had such a fun time recording, learning to edit and stuff that i think i'd like to pursue that further. i wouldn't be doing sims related stuff though bc...well... i don't play anymore XD but other games ya know. my other youtube is kspice (the same place with my tutorials, speed edits, the acnh vid, etc.) if you'd be interested in that

and i guess that's pretty much it!

again, for at least the next couple of days i'll probably actively have my eyes on this post/simblr in general (and i am gonna clear out my inbox hopefully) so if you have questions i'd ask em quickly before i go back into hiding XD

thanks again, i love you guys, free palestine, and have a good new year! 🍉⭐💖

[yellowhollyhock]

okay fine I'll tell you. I fall asleep at night thinking about future Donny and Angel, enjoying a quiet evening at home, chatting about the weather, planning for their niece Cassandra's eleventh birthday party, eating burnt dinner because they've both become better cooks but mostly they've become desensitized to each other's cooking. Looking for a show to watch together. and then

There's a knock at the door.

And there stands Cody Jones. He's gotten a little taller, starting to get some whiskers, but he's still a young teenager.

And he's still spending his life in the past.

His clothes are dirty. His hair's a mess. He's clearly exhausted and needs help. First priority is feed this insane teenager and get him a warm place to sleep.

Donny's second priority, though, is to get some answers. 'What are you doing here? Where is Serling? Do you have any idea how risky this is? Your grandmother is coming over tomorrow for help with her math homework.'

'Uncle Donny, O'Neil Tech is in trouble. I didn't know who else to come to.'

Listen. Of course O'Neil Tech is in trouble. Darius has had his hands in it selling weapons to criminals for years before Cody found out and the turtles intervened. And now? This unsocialized kid is trying to keep the company running by himself, his only financial advice from Serling, who's been programmed as a caretaker, not a business manager. Of course they're in trouble.

Now the big question is, how are they supposed to help? Do they risk going to the future with him so they can het their hands on the problem? Then do they leave him alone again once it's resolved? Are they sure they can get back? For now they're pouring over legal documents from 2107, trying to teach Cody how to read people and helping him with finances and keeping him a secret from April and Casey. Do they tell the other turtles? I'm not sure yet, they probably should, but is more people knowing he's there a bigger strain on the timestream?

Donny is stressed out of his mind. Angel and Cody are having the time of their lives. She shows him the sights, supposedly as part of his Very Important Social Training, just to help him get some real-world character-building experience. (They are going to trampoline parks, hole in the wall restaurants, all kinds of museums because Cody is a history nerd and she definitely notices how he treats every place they go like a museum). And the more she's getting to know Cody, and the more he's reminding her of Donny, the less she's on board with ever sending him back to the future, where he has no one.

Of course the others are going to find out eventually. The turtles and Splinter at least, haven't decided about April and Casey. I definitely think even if Cassandra meets Cody they're going to avoid revealing that he's her grandson. At any rate having to avoid Cassandra while Cody is living with them is definitely going to put some strain on everyone involved.

Leo and Mikey want to go to the future and find the Dark Turtles. Maybe they could have Cody's back. To which Raph and Don reply aren't they also teenagers? And severely traumatized? And have tried to kill us and Cody before? Leo tentatively suggests maybe Cody could appeal to Bishop for help. Now Raph is furious. 'Don't you guys care about the kid? Wasn't one egocentric deceitful backstabbing guardian enough? Even if it's in Bishop's best interests to take care of Cody, he'll never really care for him. Doesn't he deserve at least that much?"

Donny speaks up on Serling's behalf. 'He has a guardian. He just needs legal advice.'

Angel is not pleased with this read on the situation. 'You've been so obsessed with solving his problems for him you haven't even been spending time with him. You don't understand the situation at all. Who cares if he loses the company? He came here because he needed you. Don't you guys remember what it was like to be sixteen and alone?'

Raph and Angel are both all for him staying in the past with them. Leo and Donny are worried about what that means for the timestream--when Cody is born, will it be his inevitable fate to be adopted into his ancestors' family outside of his proper time? Or are they creating a new branch where the future they've been working to secure for Cody isn't certain, maybe Darius kills him, maybe there is no interplanetary peace. And what about Serling? Cody is his whole world, they can't just keep him here.

I don't know where Mikey and Splinter fall in this debate. Probably both sort of accidentally egging on both sides. Mikey is a father of three (I've thought a lot about this but haven't decided on his soulmate or whom he has adopted but he gots three kiddos okay) and this does make it hard for him to think clearly about the issue at all. Splinter wants to solve the whole thing with meditation, and he's got a point. The rat knows how to reach across time and space when needed, and if Cody can learn, they can be there for him. But that's still going to be difficult to keep secret from April, Donny points out, and at that point why wouldn't they just keep him here in the flesh where they can give him a proper hug when he needs it, Raph grumps.

I lied I don't fall asleep thinking about it. There is no sleep. I stare towards the ceiling in the dark trying to decide how the dark turtles are going to fit in the story because I want them, what Bishop's going to do to solidify not trusting him in spite of everything, whether Karai and Chapman's descendants get mixed up in O'Neil Tech's legal troubles. And I need to watch Fast Forward again because I barely remember any plots. I just want Angel and Cody to meet and for the turtles to struggle with the concept of time travel and how much it complicates possible consequences to their actions. Especially Leo, because of the position he took in the City at War arc, and Donny, who usually seems to enjoy time travel and expressed in the journal episode how he 'already knows he did one good thing.' What if that one good thing were compromised? What if they (feel like they) have to choose between the wellbeing of those dearest to them and the possibility of interplanetary peace?

Also I want middle-aged Dongel

And also what if Professor Honeycutt goes to the future with Cody and adopts him. What if Serling hates him at first and then falls in love with him. Okay that was a two am thought but listen. It could be very funny and possibly even cute.

[a-non-ymouswriter]

Alright, let's talk Rewind (or my MCYT fics)

i think it's time to finally talk about rewind/remix.

or generally, just my mcyt fics in general.

it's been a while since i updated any of them and trust me, i am very much FILLED WITH GUILT over not updating or continuing them- problem is; i just don't have any motivation in them at the moment. my interest and motivation for them have waned, wilted and withered. the three unfortunate ws that arent wins.

i dont want to say i abandoned them, i hate the thought of abandoning ANY STORY and i like the thought of getting back to them at some point. maybe my motivation will come back, it has in the past and that's a great hope to have.

however i am aware that these stories have been gathering dust and it's possible that motivation will never come back and i hate that.

i know partially why i'm no longer interested? partially- it mainly started with techno's death. it just didn't feel the same anymore now that cc!techno was gone, but if things went differently then maybe i could've continued just as normal. but i'm pretty sure my motivation took a great hit when techno died.

another great hit to my motivation is the whole... thing with cc!dream??? WHICH I WILL NEVER EVEN POKE ABOUT, YOU CANNOT MAKE ME, I WILL IGNORE EVERY ATTEMPT. it felt weird writing about c!dream even though i should REALLY be able to separate the two, cc!s are different from fictional c!s and all that but for some reason i just don't feel too comfy writing him right now.

and since my main series of rewind and remix is MAINLY RELATED TO DREAM- you can see my problem here.

the dream smp is done, over, there is no season 2 and my interest in this fandom is only tethered by the occasional fanfic that i stumble upon and the numerous fanarts that come and go. that interest isn't enough to motivate my writing.

a funny thought though, is that i think i spent a LOT of motivation and kind of burnt myself out in the future back when i was DAILY UPDATING REWIND- like i don't know if you readers remember but i was updating DAILY on rewind. every day, FOR ALMOST A MONTH- something that might never happen again really and i'm still kind of proud of that.

but i'm pretty sure it was very unhealthy of me to do daily updates the way i did- it took A POWER OUTAGE to make me stop doing daily updates and i remember STRESSING OVER NOT UPDATING while the power was out. so yeah, i'm pretty sure i set myself up for failure there XD

but i'm so glad that i was able to at least finish rewind. my very first story that i completed. unfortunately i'm not too confident about finishing the rest of the series (and some other fics).

a friend of mine actually suggested something that i've been thinking about from time to time; i give you guys the outline of what COULD have happened. what i was planning on writing and then completing my works.

it sounds like a good idea but i didn't want to let you guys down in just, giving up like that. but nowadays, it sounds like a better and better alternative than to just wait for my motivation and interest to come back. it's almost been a year already for wishes and family, and remix, i managed to update stream labs a few months ago so that's hopeful but the others...

okay, i'm going to give YOU GUYS the choice here. i'll tell the ao3 readers about it as an important update author's note, but im going to make a poll about this choice soon and i'll even pin it on my tumblr.

it'll last- maybe two weeks? but yeah, it's the least i can do to see what you guys want.

EDIT: polls apparently only last a week, so it'll be up a week.

[speedyslothboi]

I spent an hour making a flower crown today. I'd never made one before. It didn't turn out very good; clumsy knots and and sticky fingers and broken petals but I still put it on and smiled. I never got that kind of childhood. I wondered if this is what healing feels like: sitting on a picnic table, gently warmed by the sun, breathing in the world. I have so much to do (an ap psych test in three days, ethics bowl nationals and science olympiad state to prepare for, a read through for the play on Monday) and instead I went outside and listened to the birds.

Then I got home and cried. Because 30,000 people will never get to make a flower crown again (and how many never had? It took me 17 years. That's more time than many of them ever got). I haven't breathed clearly in 6 months; a weight on my chest and a pit in my stomach but for one hour, I felt like I could breathe, the smell of grass unfamiliar but comfortable (and how many died in that time? Trapped under rubble? The weight on their chests real).

I feel like I've been sitting Shiva for strangers halfway across the world but I'll die before I finish mourning (575 years is a lot to ask of this body). I'm not doing a very good job. But what else can I do but remember? I don't know know what to do with myself. I'm heartbroken and horrified and I am so angry. I go to school and hear kids talk about tik tok drama and I want to grab them and shake them and yell "how can you think about anything else? How can breathe around your guilt well enough to speak?" I feel like I know to much and too little, never informed fast enough. I feel like I'm grieving and like I have no right to grieve. I'm tired. I'm not doing well (I can't remember the last time I brushed my teeth and I still need to schedule my fillings and do my laundry and change my sheets) but I feel so selfish doing anything to make myself happy, like I'm stealing joy I don't deserve. And I know that I'm burnt-out (years into it) and that I have to take care of myself too but I just don't know how to carry all this grief. And this isn't about me (I'm making it about me, aren't I?)

This will be the first presidential election I get to vote in and I can't vote for him, I can't. And I'm scared. People keep saying it's selfish not to but I'm the one who will face the consequences. I'm one of the "vulnerable" people (does that make it self-sacrificial? Does that make it okay? To risk my communities if I am at risk too?)

Paul Alexander died three weeks ago. I can't stop thinking about him. (Most of the articles won't tell you why though; that one of the most vulnerable members of society was abandoned to a disease that has killed 3 million). I keep seeing inspiration porn articles about how he didn't let his disability "stop him" (I feel like I'm "letting" mine stop me). None of them mention "I love the sun, but I haven't felt it in a long time. It's lonely." (I feel lonely all the time but I didn't feel lonely at the park, with dirt in my fingernails. I don't really believe in heaven but I hope it exists so Paul can sit in the sun again). I think of Paul and I am filled with rage. 5,000 people die of covid every week; that's one person every five minutes (how is that okay? how could you abandon us for "normal"?) and I'm one of three people out of 2200 at my school who still wear a mask. I got the most recent booster two days ago (the one only the "vulnerable" can get as if long covid isn't becoming an increasingly documented mass disabling event. And the genocide is one too. And what about the countries we blocked from getting vaccines with patents. How dare we condemn the global south to suffer without vaccines only to stop getting them). And I need to buy more masks (yet another expense to exist while disabled) and they aren't free anymore so it's another 3 hours of work. Cases keep rising despite the lack of testing and wastewater doesn't lie. And whats the new variant? News isnt reporting on it anymore because "no one cares" (I care. I need to believe others would care if they knew. Maybe thats just wishful thinking) I still have at home tests but their negatives feel like taunts (a positive is a positive though, I remember)

I don't really have any friends. I have acquaintances and people I work with for projects but I don't want them to be my friends. My mom and my therapist keep telling me to reach out and do things with them (I know it would be good for me to socialize but doing so would put me at risk. They can't even wear a mask, and I'm supposed to choose to spend extra time with them?) Neither my mom or therapist wears a mask. (My mom fought for me when doctors didn't believe anything was wrong. Fought for 7 years to get a diagnosis and now she won't protect me.) I go to the doctors and even they aren't wearing masks (didn't you learn your lesson?).

I've seen people complain about "boycott fatigue" and I'm just wonder how you are surprised? I lost faith 2 years ago when people decided that disabled people's lives weren't worth discomfort (I used to value the nuance, how it isnt that simple. Now my compassion is shot. My empathy used up on three million deaths. But it is, isnt it? Simple that is. You just dont care enough). When the accessibility we begged for for years that had been "impossible" was suddenly "easy" when everyone needed and then taken away just as quickly. The second you could leave us behind, you did. So how could I be surprised people would do the same for Falastin? I love theatre, and I'm excited for too much light. But half of them will walk in with Starbucks on Monday (and none of them will be wearing a mask) and I know these people will never truly be my people (I resent them and love them but mostly I'm disappointed.)

I've been crying alot. I never used to cry. Sometimes I feel like that means I'm healing (some of the time I wonder if I have the right to heal right now). It's like this grief keeps overflowing but the world keeps turning (and how can everyone keep living right now?) and homework keeps coming and the genocide keeps happening and I need to get back to making my magma composition notes. (I left the flower crown at the park. I felt guilty about picking the flowers; that must be bad for the environment, right? How selfish, to kill things just to make a silly crown, and I didnt even do it very well. It fell apart within a minute. An hour of work crumpled in my hands. A moment of enjoyment stolen at the cost of life, what a bad vegan I am. Anyway, i left the flowers there, to decompose where they were born)

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary + slightly burnt snake secondary (bird model) (burnt-out badger model)

I don't know if this is the correct place to ask this, oh well :). I recently found the SHC community and fell in love with your analysis. (Disclaimer that I may have misinterpreted some of the traits, again, very new at this.)

I am hoping you can help me sort out my secondary. My primary is very obviously a bird, no problem. I mean, I exibit certain chararistics of the others at certain times, such as strongly valuing personal loyalty and such, but I think complexity is just part of being a human and I fit really neatly into almost all of the bird stuff I've read.

and I mean... "strongly valuing personal loyalty" can just, very easily, be something that you fold into your Bird System.

But my secondary is really giving me trouble. But I keep flipping between snake with badger model or burnt badger with snake model. (With others thrown in for flavor!)

For context, I was raised in VERY emphasized badger home. And like, mostly, I agree? Hard work, grit, and consistency ARE extremely important, and while those are not the only way to ever accomplish things, they tend to be the most reliable and the most likely to give long term success. They also tend to build long lasting relationships that are supportive and grow with you over time and not just around one time/phase/stage in life. (Not that those aren't important) I want to be like that- be the reliable hard-working one. But I'm not! I am fairly lazy actually, and am constantly searching for a way around projects/problems, very often to my own detriment.

So okay. We've got some negative self-talk here.

I don't like the word "lazy" - mostly because it's just incredibly non-specific. "Lazy" can mean issues with executive functioning, it can mean I don't think xyz is important, so of course I'll cut corners. It can mean you're exhausted. It can mean you're depressed. It can mean 'if I am not working literally all the time, I'm worthless.' It can mean you're having a fun, goof-off day. See what I mean?

So what this does tell me is 1) You've got a strong Badger secondary voice in your ear, saying that This Is How It Has To Be and 2) that kind of chafes. You're about working around things, working smarter not harder, and getting out of/finishing quickly the things you don't want to do. Which is 100% completely fine! All it means is that you're probably not a Badger secondary!

And while I am very good at lying and do it to get myself out of problems semi-regularly, I feel guilty about it after (not usually in the moment) becuase of my moral system (bird primary).

I'm leaning slightly-burnt Snake here. Healthy Snakes don't usually refer to their shape-changing as "lying," so I'm keeping that in mind.

But being so snake/adaptable does have many benefits, especially in talking/working with others, and I value my ability to change to fit each person or situation. I am also often able to find unique solutions to the problems I caused myself by not doing it "right" the first time.

Definitely sounds like an improvisational secondary, and changing for the person (as opposed to changing for the situation) is very Snake.

My father has a job in the local public eye and I grew up learning how to be able to talk to anyone, act interested in anything, and have a different mask for school, vs public, vs with friends, vs just being me at home.

Sounds like you built an Actor Bird secondary model (and some of that is of course you going into Neutral.

And sometimes I feel guilty for "manipulating" people, as my moral system emphasis honesty, but just as often I pride myself on making people feel good becuase I figured out what they needed/wanted and gave it to them while making it seem like it wasn't a calculated read of the situation.

Snake. And a fairly important part of this system is that "manipulating" is a completely neutral problem-solving technique. You can manipulate people to do good, and manipulate people to do bad, just the same as you can use the Badger dependability and ability to fly under the radar to do good things, and bad things.

Overall, I am grateful for my childhood (truly I've got great parents) and I think it's super important to be able to react well to unexpected circumstances, so much so that when I finish college this spring (we'll get to that in a second) I want to go into disaster response and crisis management to help others deal with unforseen circumstances. I've worked as an EMT, and hopefully soon as a 911 dispatcher before going into formal disaster response.

I think that will suit you perfectly and (as I'm sure you probably know) that's something a Badger secondary would not be nearly as good at.

I'm very comfortable using snake methods and it makes me feel clever when I come up with an unexpected solution or pull off a tricky social maneuver-

This is a big sign this is your secondary - using it makes you feel powerful.

I just feel guilty because they hard-core fail me when it comes to big tasks I simply don't want to do- situations where the only solution is to just get it done the hard way, and trust me, I would have looked for any other options.

Yeah, that's issues with executive functioning surrounding non-preferred tasks.

I see this most often in my schoolwork. I'm a double-major senior and I am definitely burnt out from school.

Don't blame you. Sounds like you bootstrapped your way through on the family Badger secondary model, and now you're sick of using it.

I am a "gifted child," and I have always done very well in school. I've never had to work very hard at any subject, and so I never did. I always procrastinated and slid in 2 minutes before a deadline.

Very, very common story. You're using adrenaline to hack your brain to punch through executive functioning issues, we've all done it, we know it's not sustainable. Same with not having to work hard in school - you're brain's going fast, you're making connections, you're using meta-knowledge (you're using your secondary.)

The difference is that in college I started not caring about deadlines, being very late or not turning something in entirely. I got A's and F's, no in between. I am graduating, mostly due to amazing professors.

You were burnt out. This is what burnout sounds like. But you made it through, and honestly people just care if you graduated, or not.

There have been things in my life that I've worked really hard at, such as becoming an emt while in high school or my internship last summer, and I have felt really proud of that. But I don't enjoy the work for its own sake, and there have been just as many things I've cared about that I let be mediocre at best becuase I didn't want to put in the effort.

And that's fine! There are some things you care about (and you're incredibly accomplished) and there are some things you don't, and what's the problem with that?

And, some of the best feedback I recieved from that internship was that I always was working hard- and seemed positive about it. When I told them I have to "work hard to work hard" they were shocked and I felt very happy. For 2 reasons: 1, becuase I did actually put in a lot of work to work hard and it showed me that I can when I truly want to (I was starting to doubt), and 2, that they perceived me like that.

I'm guessing it also felt good because there's a large part of you that sees Badger as "the good one."

There's a slightly annoying thing about being human, that gets into the sunk-cost fallacy and things like that, that things we put a lot of effort into are inherently better, or more valuable. But it's just not true. Often the thing that's so easy it doesn't feel like work, the story or painting that just came together, *is better* than the one you slaved and sweat and bled over.

Also, I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, probably stemming back from before high school (it's strongly in family history, inevitable more than circumstancial), so how much of that overshadows my personality?

I mean, I think your personality comes through loud and clear. Just stop describing yourself as "lazy" okay?

To make things more complicated I love learning and picking up random bits of information, and I love trying new things. My nickname was Wikipedia in high school becuase I could always be relied upon to have some cursory knowledge about anything, though not always the helpful knowledge. (Bird vibes) I do that for the fun of it though, and it doesn't tend to be the basis of how I make decisions or react to situations.

We know you built a Bird model, so it's good that you can use it as a toy.

So what is going on here? Am I a burnt out badger who needs to not be in the school system for a while to reset and be able to dedicate myself to the things I love, and who uses snake mechanisms to cover my weak spots becuase I got good at that in childhood

You can burn out models. It's pretty common, and it's the puzzle piece you're missing here. You are a Snake. You model Badger when you have to. But because it IS hard, use it too much and it burns out and starts to hurt to use.

At which point you fall back on your Snake secondary and Actor Bird model. Don't worry. You made it through the tough times, and your new situation seems much better suited to your Snake.

Or am I a snake who strongly values badger traits but needs to figure out how to blend them? (And how do I do that?) And also go back to therapy? What's bird doing in there, anyway? I think I'm leaning option two, but like I said- I'm very flip-floppy about the whole thing.

Thank you so much- sorry it got so long. (Imagine if I were confused about my primary too!)

Hey, therapy is fantastic, but it sounds to me like you're doing pretty okay. :)

thanks @adisgracetotheforcesofevil for the submission