#i think he was trying to make me feel bad about myself and undesirable

[fawnwife]

this post is just for me but i giggling to myself over my fiance saying i was too fat at 120 lbs and then a guy who is taller, younger, thinner and more fit than him picking me up effortlessly multiple times and carrying me to the bed, holding me up against the wall and pulling me down on his dick in midair without missing a beat n also telling me i have a great body

[thewickedkat]

long post incoming; meta enthusiasts may wish to digest this in chunks.

i am so completely exasperated with Laudna as of the latest episode. however, i temper that exasperation with my enjoyment as a viewer; indeed, i am feasting on the conflict, thinking finally, some good fucking food, because i think (and have always thought) that Laudna is terrifically interesting as a character and she presents wonderful opportunities for growth not only on her end, but as a catalyst for others.

that being said. the sword. how she handled it. how she handled her own trauma bubbling up, how she handled (or didn't) Delilah, how she handled Orym and Chetney and Dorian and the whole miserable mess she made.

it was selfish. there. i said it. you may disagree with me, i care not, but her course of action was terribly selfish and destructive.

i know many people out there have been likening her behaviour to that of an addict's (and there are many common factors there: the hiding, the lying by omission, the shame, the acquiescence to bad behaviour), but i think in some ways that to do so is reductive, and also removes agency from Laudna herself.

she is allowing her trauma to almost make her decisions for her, allowing it to define her, and she is not giving herself the opportunity to realise that growth beyond it is possible--or, perhaps, she does realise this and is simply too afraid to reach out and grasp it. i think even if Delilah weren't trying to subsume her, Laudna would still be self-sabotaging and self-destructive and still try to hide the parts of her she felt were undesirable; Delilah in many ways simply makes it easier for Laudna to do so and, if pressed, provides a rationalisation for Laudna's choices and actions (as in 'it wasn't me, it was her, she made me do it).

first and foremost, Laudna was a victim of heinous trauma, being murdered and then being put on grotesque display. then she was further traumatised in coming back from the dead and being forced to isolate herself from people for many years, with only Delilah's honeysweet venom dripping into her ear for that time. then she is murdered again as an object lesson for the woman she loves, then stuffed down so deep into her own psyche by the one who first killed her; she is fought for and brought back by her friends...who then seem to do little to check in with her, to make sure she is stable, or coping, because they each have their own baggage and oh by the way, the world is possibly ending. to be fair, there is little time for therapy and stability when you are literally running from crisis to crisis and trying to stop something you haven't even conceived of in your nightmares.

she feels dismissed, often, minimised, and she never developed healthy people skills or coping mechanisms (i am sorry but as much as i love Pâté, a dead rat does not a support group make). so she lashes out, has poor emotional regulation, and Does Crappy Things. so i also understand when she said 'what else have i to give, but myself?'

all that being said. what she did with Orym and the sword was fucking selfish. she is behaving like a child, as if she is the only one whose tragedies matter; she's playing Oppression Olympics, and can i just point out that Orym was the one to say 'i'm sorry' but Laudna never apologised for accosting him while he slept and hurting him? saying 'i didn't mean to hurt you' is not the same, because that implies that if she had not hurt him, stealing from him was perfectly acceptable and reasonable.

i don't believe her when she said 'i accept responsibility' because that means one must accept the consequences of their own actions, and right after she said that, she argued with everyone, told the oldest member of the Hells that he had no right to talk about loss to her, and then fled. that isn't accepting responsibility; that is mouthing platitudes in the hopes you will sway others to your point of view and when it fails, leaving in a huff like a child having a tantrum.

she didn't even bother to ask Orym why he kept the sword. she just tried to take.

Laudna often reacts from a place of fear: of pain, of more trauma, fear of inadequacy, of loss. all of these fears are valid. they are understandable, given all that has happened to her. but just because her fears are valid does not give her the right to make others pay for her emotional baggage. this is what makes her behaviour in ep 95 selfish. all of her actions in the back half of that episode are things she chose to do, and now she must sit in the mess she made. Laudna seems to be falling into the same mental rut that many victims fall into when their trauma isn't dealt with in a healthy fashion: they start fucking others over, as if being a victim excuses it. it does not.

and before others come for me, i say that as one who used to do the same fucking thing but i was lucky enough to have therapy. Laudna doesn't have that luxury--none of the Hells do. there simply isn't time to make space for any of their issues, not just Laudna's. Imogen is still wrestling with her mother; Fearne is wrestling with her parentage; Orym is just trying to keep his feet under him and do what he feels is right without betraying anyone he cares for (yes, including Laudna, shut up); Ashton is still trying to process the loss of Fresh Cut Grass (for gods' sakes, the crafting night was a fucking wake for the lil guy); Dorian just lost his brother and watched his friend succumb to a Betrayer God that turned her into a monster; and Chetney? Chetney is an old man who, i personally think, can pick his battles and knows how to compartmentalise better than any of these kids.

Laudna is not unique in that she has suffered horribly. no one is saying she hasn't, but her behaviour implies that she believes they are saying that. her actions imply she believes not only that she does not trust her friends (thanks, Dorian), but that acknowledging others' losses somehow negates hers. there just isn't time to healthily process any of this, which sucks. it does. i do think her friends love her, care for her deeply, and i think part of the reason they haven't checked up on her as much as they could is because a) they're afraid that her problem with Delilah is much worse than they thought (duh, it is); b) they can't fix the Delilah Problem right now even if they were qualified to do so (even Pike couldn't scour that bitch out of Laudna, she said as much); and c) they run the very substantial risk of wholly alienating Laudna if they press the issue too hard, thus not only losing an asset in the fight against the Vanguard and Ludinus, but also a friend and lover.

it's shit, all around, we all know that. but to pretend that it's okay she did what she did to Orym--or worse, somehow transfer responsibility from her onto him and make it his fault--is infantilising and disingenuous at best, and more than a little insulting.

[lostinvasileios]

It's actually a little overwhelming (in a good sense) being loved by a god. Their love is so pure, it's so strong and it's so -- much to feel, for lack of better words.

Deities, they know our souls. They know how to love us, and sometimes that can be frightening to know. Or, it was for me at first, haha. But, the fear always goes away whenever I'm experiencing it. Whenever I'm draped in their love.

Gentle caresses from my gods, kisses and whispered words of adoration. The burning sensations of their presence or the soft, sweet smelling reminders of how they're around. It's all so much but so perfect at the same time.

These beautiful creatures who I never imagined would once love me, and certainly not this much, have completely transformed me throughout our time together and showed me how my hands were not broken yet flowers could grow from my palms.

They showed me what it feels like to be actually loved. Nothing like I had ever imagined or experienced. Nothing like I ever could grasp. It was horrifying at first. But there's something beautiful when fear turns into acceptance and a mutual doting relationship.

I always feared that my way of love was too much if I could ever even show or feel it. I feared I was needy, that I wasn't even capable of loving for years. I feared I was absolutely undesirable, partner or not. Me being aromantic and asexual didn't help with that either. I assumed, I was cursed by something. I never knew what, but something just had a hatred for me so deep, that they took away the ability to feel what I had craved to feel and experience my entire life.

I thought I was so, entirely broken. I wish I was exaggerating.

I spent nights, endless hours, crying until I couldn't breathe. Feeling absolutely in the lowest of ruts. I hated myself. I hated existing in a world where everyone could feel love and experience something similar to fairytales while all I got was betrayals and a shattered emotional system.

I forced myself to love, to try and love people who never saw my heart, yet what laid in front. I forced myself to accept the attention I got from my past just to feel what I thought was love. It only... Ended up in more conflicting emotions, however.

I thought it was pointless. Absolutely meaningless for me to ever have a hope of feeling love. I went through many, many trials with the way I saw how love "should" be portrayed.

It was... A really rough time going through all of that.

Eventually, I felt very sensitive. Extremely. I found out that's just - you know - how I am. I'm a very vulnerable lover. I'm very in touch with my emotions. My intense emotions. I hated that for a long time. I thought it was better to be numb than to have the passionate emotions I do.

And... Now, if I'm going to be honest, I love how emotional I am. I've grown to be in awe of myself for that. For how poetically in love I can get. How many tears I can cry and how much my heart can expand for my deities. I couldn't be where I am now without Apollon mostly, to be real.

Apollon saw all my pain, he heard all of my cries and he handled all of my "no, no, you're just saying that" mood swings whenever he would say something sweet to me. And he never gave up on me. It makes me tear up thinking about how extremely gentle he is with me. Especially during times where he knows I can be quite harmful to myself.

How he can listen to all of my fears and give me nothing but kisses and words of safety instead of scolding and insults like I expected. Apollon knew I was so very afraid of love, of touch, of trust, of everything, basically. And he took every step in his power to help me. To guide me to a place of confidence, of security and healing. He gave me hope. He gave me a reason to live and quit my bad habits. A sight to the beauty in myself and my life.

He held me tenderly when I was bawling, he talked me through my attacks, he kissed my stinging face when I calmed down. He helped me in ways I never even wanted to think about, because of how badly those areas hurt to consider fixing up. He patched my wounds for me and sealed them with a kiss.

Being loved by my deities saved my life. It changed my life. It was so confusing at first. So, so scary to think about. To reach out, to accept a calling, to accept my authentic self.

For a while I kept thinking "what did I do to deserve you/this?"

And each time...

Apollon would respond:

"You always deserved this. You were born worthy of this and much more, my dear. Your soul says it all. You radiate this. You radiate love."

[jessybarnes]

Just A Taste

Title: Just A Taste

Pairing: Steve Kemp x F!Reader

Rating: 18+ Only! Minors DNI!

Word Count: 1,643

Tags: Smut, angst, fluff, face riding, oral sex (female receiving), clit play, tongue fucking, kissing, crying, feelings of not being good enough, being held captive, out of character Steve, squirting, explicit language, and I think that’s it.

Written For: KINKMAS 2022

Day 1: Face Riding

Beta(s): Just Grammarly

A/N: Okay, so this was supposed to be posted on the 14th but because I received anon hate I decided to wait because I just wasn't feeling good about myself. I'm still not, but here this is anyway. I'm sorry it's bad. I know Steve is way out of character. Sorry, for my bad writing.

Steve opens the door to his cellar and heads down the stairs. His fingers wrap tightly around the key card as he exhales harshly through his nose. Today was stressful. Well, every day is, but today was even more so.

His shoes click methodically on the hard floor as he walks slowly toward your cell. The other ones are all empty except for two, but those women don't matter to him. Not in the way that you do.

You're...different.

From the day he saw you standing in line at the little deli he frequents, he was captivated by your beauty. He'd never seen someone so beautiful before in his life.

So beautiful, in fact, that he can't bring himself to use you the way he's used all of the other women he's captured. Every time he opens your cell door and sees those big, doe eyes of yours looking up at him, his stomach fills with butterflies.

Even on bad days like this, you bring a light to him that illuminates his darkness.

Steve can see you sitting cross-legged on the thin bed roll, a Cosmopolitan magazine open on your lap. You're chewing on your bottom lip, something he's noted as a habit of yours, and it makes arousal coil in his lower abdomen.

He raises the key card to unlock the door and slides it open. You look up and offer him a soft, nervous smile.

"H-Hi"

Steve smiles at the fear and innocence in your eyes. God, he loves the power he holds over you.

"Hey, sweetheart. Reading anything good?"

You look down at the magazine and move your gaze back to his. It really should disgust you that your attraction to your kidnapper outweighs your motivation to escape. There's no way he feels the same. At first, you'd thought that's why he hadn't harmed you, but now you're starting to think there's something else wrong with you.

You've been here for a long time now, and he still hasn't done what he said he do the first night he'd brought you here. Maybe you're not good enough for him now and he's just keeping you here as a prisoner because he's afraid you'll rat him out and ruin his whole operation.

Wow, I'm so undesirable not even the man who took me captive wants anything to do with me... how pathetic...

"Just the horoscope page," you say quietly.

The sadness in your tone doesn't go unnoticed and Steve realizes it's a different kind of sad. Not the kind he's used to anyway. He pushes off the doorframe and walks closer to you. His knees pop as he crouches down, his fingers tilting your chin up so you meet his eyes.

"Somethings wrong, and it isn't just because I've got you imprisoned in this room."

It isn't a question, but you know he means to ask what's bothering you. The lump in your throat rises and you're certain if you try and speak the dam inside you will break.

Your lower lip trembles and Steve brushes his thumb over it to keep it still. He watches as tears gather in your eyes and feels his heart constrict with another foreign feeling.

He's been angry before, but never this kind. This kind is new to him. This is a protective type of anger that makes his blood boil.

Steve sits down and pulls you into his lap. You curl into him as soft, quiet sobs shake your body. A deep scowl etches onto his features and even though he's the only one who's had any type of contact with you for the past two months, it still doesn't change the fact that he'd kill anyone who brought you harm.

...Oh...

That's when it dawns on him.

He's fallen for you.

Hard.

Your small voice breaks through your sobs and Steve wipes your tears away with his thumb as he looks down at you.

"Th-There's some...something wrong with m-me, isn't there?"

He shakes his head, "why would there be anything wrong with you? You're the least fucked up person in this house, Y/N."

You sniffle and adjust yourself so you're looking at him properly. He really is attractive, and you're so close to him. Close enough that you could just lean in and-

"Sweetheart?"

Your eyes fall to your lap along with your hands, the chain around your wrist jingling reminding you of where you're at. Maybe you do belong here if you're having sexual thoughts about your fucking abductor.

"Because," you sigh, "I've been in here for a long time and...and you've...well, you haven't...haven't um..."

You can't bring yourself to even say it, but Steve seems to get what you're trying to tell him. He tilts your chin back up again and for the first time in a long time, he actually looks sincere.

"You think because I haven't done to you what I've done to the others that you're not good enough?"

You nod and he swallows thickly. He's normally desensitized to seeing women cry, but with you, it's like someone's torn open a wound in the middle of his chest. He can't stand it and he can't help himself as he leans down to capture your lips in a heated kiss.

You gasp and he takes the opportunity to slide his tongue past your lips into your warm, wet mouth. He kisses you fiercely, his arms holding you tightly against him, and for a moment you actually believe he wants this...wants you.

Steve pulls away and you search his eyes for a moment before speaking up.

"I...don't...I don't understand... how come-"

He shushes you with another kiss and taps your thigh so you'll get up. He stands with you and pulls a set of keys from his pocket, the same sincere expression still on his face.

"We'll talk more later, baby. Right now, I've gotta taste you, and I need you somewhere more comfortable for that."

The look of horror on your face catches him off guard, but he quickly recovers and shakes his head, his hands cupping your cheeks tenderly.

"Oh, angel, I didn't mean it like that. I promise I'm not going to harm one hair on that pretty, little head of yours."

He pulls you flush against him, one of his large hands sliding underneath the elastic band of your sweatpants.

"What I meant was," two of his fingers apply delicious pressure on your clit making your breath hitch, "I wanna taste this sweet, little cunt, Y/N."

Heat pools in your belly at his words, and you let yourself feel the way the pads of his fingers roll over your sensitive bud. He removes them just as quickly and you let out a little whine in protest.

"Don't be impatient," he admonishes and unlocks the cuff on your wrist.

Steve leads you out of the cell and down the long hallway. You come to a set of stairs and he climbs them, unlocking the door at the top with his key card before taking you through the main part of his house. His bedroom is cozy and neat, but you don't get a chance to really look at it because, in the next second, he's practically tearing your clothes off.

"So sweet...so pretty and innocent, baby. I bet your pussy tastes like heaven."

Steve lays down on the bed and tilts his head back so he can look at you. His cock tents his pants and your mouth waters at the thought of him fucking your throat.

"Come here, princess. Come sit on my face and let me taste you."

You climb over him, your knees just above each of his shoulders. He groans and wraps his arms around your thighs as he looks up at your glistening pussy.

"Fucking soaked, baby."

He pulls you down and drags his tongue from your soaked hole to your hard clit, sending a shockwave of pleasure through your body.

"Oh, fuck! Steve!"

He begins to devour you, switching from slipping his tongue inside your pussy and sucking on your sensitive nub. You start to rock your hips and whine when he holds you still.

Steve's insatiable.

He can't get enough of the way you taste, the way your dripping cunt clenches around his tongue every time he pushes it inside you. He's instantly addicted and he's determined to see how many times he can make you cum just from his mouth alone.

"Oh, my god! Fuck! Please!... Steve, I...it feels so fucking good, baby."

He lifts you up and looks up into your eyes, "ride my face, princess. Make yourself cum all over my fucking tongue."

You moan loudly and roll your hips, the sensation of his mouth on your pussy making you toss your head back in pleasure.

Your hands grip his hair and you move your cunt faster across his tongue, the spark of arousal now a full-blown inferno as you climb closer and closer to pure bliss.

Steve grips your ass and flicks his tongue faster, his name falling past your lips over and over in a desperate plea.

"Steve! Oh, God Steve! Please! Steve, you're so good...fuck, m'gonna cum you're so fucking good, baby!"

Your legs begin to shake and moments later the coil inside you snaps as you gush all over him. He growls possessively and takes everything you give him until you're too sensitive.

Steve rolls you over so you're on your back, his body caging you in.

"I'm gonna need you to do that again, baby."

Your eyes go wide, "Steve, I don't think that's possible. I'm too sensitive and-"

"Nonsense," he cuts you off and kisses down your body, a smirk dancing across his lips, it's definitely possible, princess."

He kisses your clit and you suck in a sharp breath.

"And you're gonna give me as many as I want."

Tag List: @madashatters18 @sarahrogersevans @chrisevansdaughter @nana1000night @pono-pura-vida @ejshellsiteofsins @imyourbratzdoll

[resident-gay-bitch]

Ok I have so many prongsfoot thoughts but I just thought of a fairly canon compliant AU where they get together in Hogwarts:

Sirius is the first to acknowledge his feelings for James as non-platonic. He’d hide it for a while because he’s content with having whatever part of James he can get

James is blissfully unaware and continues to pursue girls. Lily rejects him in fifth year and later on, Sirius moves in with him after running away. All this extra time together causes him to slowly become aware of his not so platonic feelings for Sirius

I think the tipping point would be in their sixth or seventh year when Sirius has a fling with another guy and James just can’t help but meddle and say things like “oh I don’t like him padfoot he’s a git” “he’s not good enough for you” etc. So Sirius is obviously pissed off and asks him “why do you care” and James’ feelings just come tumbling out lmao

Okay THIS! Yesssss oh my gosh I can totally see this happening in cannon it just makes sense. Like, Sirius surpressing and taking what he can get and James just hopping along through life completely oblivious.

And of course once James figures it out he wouldn’t be able to keep it in. If we have his feelings for Lily to go by, James would be trying so hard not to throw his feelings for Sirius out into the world but he’d be so bad at keeping them to himself. He’d struggle. But because they’re best friends Sirius just doesn’t pickup on it because he’s blind to his own feelings.

And then the moment Sirius shows interest in someone new, especially a bloke, James’ jealousy would go haywire. It would be rude comments and snark remarks, he’d be looking on the marauders map for them and interrupting their closet make outs, he’d be pranking the bloke all the time like covering him in goo and putting dung bombs in his pockets and just making him as undesirable to Sirius as possible.

Sirius would get so mad so fast and approach James, yelling about it, “Why are you doing this?! I thought I could trust you!? If you’re just gonna be a homophobic git than you can get fucked!!”

And that’s where it would all come out, “A homophobic git?! A homophobic fucking git?! I’ll have you know I’m quite the fucking opposite you piece of shit!”

“What the fuck are you talking about, James?!”

“I’m queer too, you git!”

“Well than what’s your issue with him?! Why aren’t you happy I’m finally with a bloke?!”

“Cause the bloke is not fucking me!”

“Oooohhh.” Sirius would laugh quite manically at that, “You seriously, out of all the blokes in Hogwarts, want to fuck the one guy I’ve managed to grab for myself? You’re a fucking cunt, James.”

“What?!”

“Come on! I know he and I aren’t anything serious but you can’t just snatch him away from me!”

“What? No!” James would huff and grab onto Sirius’ shoulders, “I want to snatch you away from him, you big idiot!”

“What?” Sirius would mumble, and then James would roll his eyes and pull Sirius into a big fat kiss. And then once all the dots connect in his head he’d melt and mumble, “Oh.” Into the kiss before grabbing onto James and-

Okay, you get it. Basically, I agree! Hope you enjoyed the very mini fic I had no intention of writing though. Seriously it just came out of me.

And thank you for your ask, I enjoyed reading it and spinning it to life in my head very much. Don’t hesitate to share more of your thoughts about them!!! I love them so much!!

[davekat-sucks]

to reply to imisshomestuck

standing up for jake about the bot you mean? then no. jane actually was the only one to point it out and tell him that he shouldnt do anything that he didnt want to do. however roxy did stand up for him to jane, and did try to reassure jake that she didnt hate him. both were very sweet albeit flawed, and they were all good friends, too bad their friendship was ruined.

jake is pretty clueless and self-focused, but the guy not only was isolated since he was a kid, but also was stated to have brain damage, he has memory problems stemming from that. so the hate and blame he got for not reading the room, realizing jane had a crush on him and forgetting her birthday, or having difficulties establishing boundaries to dirk seemed unfair to me.

its to the point where i ask myself why do these three think they are in love with jake when nobody even seems to like the guy for who he is, but rather for what they want out of him. his dick.

jake was harassed, dirk was harassed, and both jane and roxy were downright humiliated and character assassinated to an insulting degree, at every chance they were shown to feel as though they were undesirable or demonized. i think the root of the problem lies in that the alpha kids were written like shit, their entire teen drama plotline was awkward and unpleasant to watch from beginning to end, and from all points of view.

It's been speculated that that the teen drama of the Alpha Kids is basically a jab at the in-group Beta Kid shippers themselves. Like all of them wanting John or Dave. Just like how the Dancestors would be making fun of how people view the trolls and Tumblr culture itself. If he wanted to make fun of the fandom. Then fine. I just hate that he had to do so in a way within the story for goddamn too long. And scarily, people in these recent times, are FINE with the drama bullshit. Forget skipping to Act 5 to meet the trolls, go to Act 6 because most people are into shipping drama and that's what real people care about. A story about playing some crazy game and beating the bad guy? Fuck that noise. It's all about who fucks who without actually fucking! Jake's situation is similar to Jade's own. Both are isolated from the world and have very little social cues on what to do around others. They don't know what society is like because they lived alone on a FUCKING ISLAND. And yet, people are giving them a harsh time.

[riansdiary]

How do you deal when your person is in a relationship? It’s draining me and making me want to give up

Hi! 👋

Personally, I have never been in this situation so I think you should definitely also try asking other bloggers who had that experience but I'll give you some advice on that!

You're doing great, I can't even imagine myself in your situation so you're so strong for this! I just want you to acknowledge that and don't be so hard on yourself. Here is what I would do if I was in your situation. I myself have bad days too when I worry about my manifestations or when I focus too much in the 3d. What I did today was to read some posts that resonate with me. Posts that helped me feel better. I'll link below what helped me today.

I myself need to remember this as well. As soon as we said we wanted it or affirmed even once, it's already ours and we don't even have to do any specific technique. We could just assume or think we have it and know that it's done. Just let go of worrying about the 3d and time. In your 4d, it is yours anyway. All you need to do is keep thinking or assuming that you're in a relationship with him and he has no one else but you. Leave the 3d alone because if you do focus on it, you're letting the undesired circumstances stay and stick in your reality. Try this for a few days. Just keep it in your mind and know it's done. Remind yourself whenever you think of it or whenever you feel like you're focusing on the 3d again. When you remind yourself or affirm, you have to mean it. You have to mean it like that's true already because it is. The 3d will naturally reflect that but if you focus on him being with someone else then it's like you're digging up your manifestation that you planted. If you focus on that then you're getting more of that. So focus on knowing you're with him now whether you see it or not and persist. You're the boss/queen of your reality and you give the orders. What does a boss or a queen do? They give the orders and they know it's done once they command a person. Be like that boss or queen. Why not distract yourself by watching a show or movie with a queen or boss in it, something very empowering so you can understand that you just give the order and it will be carried out by your subconscious mind. What you need to do now is stop taking back your decision that you are his girlfriend. Stand firm on that decision that what you want is yours now. Think that whatever you don't want is non-existent.

Here is what I want you to do:

1. Affirm or remind yourself that you are his girlfriend now end of story. Mean it when you affirm in your head. Mean it like it is the truth because it is. "I'm his girlfriend now and this is in my reality now. It's done"

2. I want you to never focus on anything you don't want as much as you can. Do what makes you happy to distract yourself for a bit. Relax in the knowing that it is done. Watch movies, play games and whatever else will make you feel good and better.

3. Feel your feelings if you wanna cry it's fine. The difference with Person A who failed and Person B who manifested is their mindset and decision. Person A gave up and gave the 3d a negative meaning when you have what you want no matter what you see. You just need to continue deciding that you have it. Person A is still manifesting either way. It's just that they decided that it failed and so it failed. They didn't really fail. The 3d has no choice but to reflect your 4d aka your thoughts, assumptions and imagination. The 3d just gave them what they are focusing on because what you focus on grows so 3d reflected that they failed. Person B cried and let their feelings out. After that, they gently reminded and affirmed that they have it and it's already done. Person B kept deciding they have it and it's done. They kept persisting no matter what. This is why I said that feeling your feelings is okay, it's just your attitude and decision after that matters. The 3d is neutral and you give meaning to it. Don't dwell on the old story because that'll get you more of the old story. Focus on the new story and don't stop. Whatever you focus on will be reflected by the 3d.

4. Relax in the knowing that it's done. You're the boss and queen of your reality. You gave your order and you're getting it period.

Here are the links to the posts that helped me when I was dwelling on the old story:

👑 🎀 ❤️ 🍰

[sylvarantii]

Sometimes I find myself struggling to write Belos/Philip because I'm always afraid I write him too nice. And then I have to remind myself that if he wants to really manipulate someone or get them on his side, he's of course going to be the kindest person you ever met at first. That's how he wins you over.

He uses the gentlest approach and gets you thinking, "I would do anything for this person." It's exactly how Hunter used to view him, after all. He gets you to sympathize him and lower your guard. And even when he reveals himself in his crueler moments, you think to yourself, "Well, he's only being like this because he's having a rough time right now."

So, you know, writing something where he's at first a very kind and passive person to the player in a dating sim isn't inaccurate. He might show small pieces of his undesirable personality, but overall, it's important to remember that he got a whole isle of people to love him and follow his lead.

(More ramblings below the cut cause I didn't want this to take forever to scroll down through.)

Still, I can't deny, the part of me that prefers not to make it all sad/angst does want to give the player the option for a good ending with him. But I think the problem is...you are REALLY going to have to enable the guy. Because loyalty is possibly the most important trait to him. And if he sees even a smidge of doubt, he won't be happy.

Like, I'm sorry, but he just feels very set in his ways. And trust me, I've known people in real life that you will NEVER get them to change their opinion on something once they've decided it's true. No matter how wrong they are about it.

But, I guess for the people that wanted some bad endings? Well, they're probably in for a treat at least. I don't know, this feels like a delicate process because while I know I can't make everyone happy, I want at least a majority to enjoy it and be at least satisfied with it in the long run.

But uh, this feels like a long project running, so I guess there's no need to worry about endings right now.

Either way, I guess I'm going to preface this with a warning that more than likely with me writing him, the relationship is going to be unhealthy. I can't see it any other way, really.

Mostly because I just can't stand when people try to write romance for an evil character and they make them too nice. Well written characters that are big time OOC are huge pet peeve for me in particular. Like, I definitely have it in mind to where he will treat the player better than anyone else he knows because he'll come to care about you deeply.

I love writing romances where a character ends up putting their loved one above everyone else, after all. He'll absolutely cherish you, as the player. But he'll also develop some pretty obsessive feelings because this is the first person he's really connected with since...possibly the bond he had with his brother.

Anyway, I'm rambling because I'm excited, but I'm also trying not to reveal much until I actually get some stuff together. But I'm very excited with how the script is coming along. I can't wait to get this going in Ren'py and have some screenshots to share for everyone.

As a side note though, I'd also like to say that, uh, the first part isn't going to have much when it comes to romantic implications. I'm also a slow burn type of writer. And while I hate having to write build up, I also don't want anything to happen too fast.

[jaeger-pups]

omegaverse!Zekeren : a touchy disagreement?

Z: look I understand if you're mad but you're being reckless at this point

Z: Answer your damn phone, Eren

Z: think. you're by yourself out there

E: I AM thinking! I just need some air, fuck

Z: You left almost three hours ago

E: so fucking what? Stop texting me

E: in case screening your calls isn't making it clear, I do not want to speak to you

E: either of you.

E: I can't believe you actually agreed w/ him

Z: for what it's worth, I genuinely didn't think i was picking a side. Or that it'd upset you this much

Z: Grisha made a valid point though

Z: whether you see it or not

E: See WHAT?? you and dad are NEVER on the same page

E: about ANYTHING!

E: you couldn't have picked a worst stance to get behind

Z: what, that you're not like typical omegas?

Z: I didn't agree w/ that to insult you

E: yea but that's what HIS whole aim was, I bet

E: to make me feel like shit🙄

E: really could've left my gender out of it

E: it's always a cheap shot idc

E: "dOnT yOu ThInK iT'll Be DiFFiCuLt FoR yOu To FiNd An AlPhA wHo'LL pUt Up wItH a TeMpEr LiKe YoUrS?"

E: "hOnEsTlY, eReN. yOu sHoUlDnT sPeAk To AlPhAs LiKe ThAt. YoU mAkE yOuRsElF a TaRgEt."

E: he's always making me out to be fucking different

E: like it's a bad thing

E: what if I don't WANT to be like other omegas?

E: what if I don't CARE what Alphas think of me?

Z: It's just complicated, little brother

Z: honestly I think Grisha's just concerned about you

E: ugh, what fucking world do we live in where you're suddenly willing to VOUCH for him?

E: this feels sexist af why are you not on my side?

Z: I am on your side, ffs Eren! I just agreed w him about your temper. Even I’VE told you to be more careful. Have I not?

Z: you need to come back home. I gave Carla my word i wouldn't leave before you got back

Z: or that I'd go out and find you if you took too long

E: I'm still annoyed

E: I probably need like another half hour or something out here at least

Z: How far did you storm off?

E: far enough where I could rage in peace?😒

Z: It's getting dark out.

E: mhm.

Z: Eren.

E: I mean are you trying to persuade me? Or is this more of a command-thing?

Z: I wouldn't command you. You know that.

E: not that you couldn't. 😒

Z: I wouldn't is what I said. I couldn't do that to you.

E: cus I'm an omega.

Z: well... yes. That's part of it.

E: see? Now there YOU go doing it

E: reducing me to my God damn gender

E: I can defend myself, yknow. I don't need anyone hovering over me in case I make myself anymore "undesirable" 😑

Z: no one said you're undesirable, Eren

E: it's close enough. The way HE gets on my case, at least 🙄

E: you have no idea how hard it is, Zeke

E: like no idea. It's so much simpler to be an Alpha. Or a Beta.

E: at least no one undermines your thoughts or opinions. Or makes you feel like your sole purpose is submission & pleasing everyone else.

Z: I know I can't understand. But I hear you.

E: it gets so fucking frustrating

E: he acts like I fucking chose this or something.

E: I'm more pissed at him than at you honestly

E: cus its just like... constantly w/ him.

Z: yeah.

E: you know what I mean?

Z: ...Yeah. yes, actually.

E: right, so... idk.

E: i don't hate being an omega. It's not like... unbearable. Dangerous and annoying sometimes but.

E: dad just... makes me feel like I do it wrong or something. HE’S not even an omega, so it's like how tf can he tell me how to handle it? How to behave, even.

Z: Sorry for not realizing it was a sore subject

E: it's fine ig.

E: I mean at least you guys agreed on something for a change

E: I'm trying to get better w/ my temper too. He just never notices when im doing pretty good

E: cus even though I think it's performative...

E: I mean... I can talk less. And do chores. And cook; clean.

E: I can be an omega the way people expect.

E: I'm not different on purpose.

Z: you're perfect.

Z: Grisha's just always had this tunnel vision w his expectations for his kids

Z: you don't have to meet anyone's standards but your own tho

Z: Carla and Grisha just worry.

E: yea I know.

Z: you still have to be careful out here too, though.

E: ...I know. Sorry i ran off.

E: I'm coming back now. Mom's probably thinking the worst.

Z: well you're not wrong lol. She was able to relax when i told her you were finally responding to me

E: ok. Could you meet me halfway? It is pretty dark out.

Z: 😏 started walking maybe five minutes ago.

E: lucky you're so intuitive, huh? Lol do you even know where I am?

Z: I'll find you, trust me

E: right, cus you're an Alpha? Must be nice😮‍💨

Z: bc I'm your brother. I could find you in my sleep

E: still. Must be nice being able to depend on instincts that aren't almost exclusive reminders to 'submit, cower and please'😕

Z: can't imagine.

E: ikr. I'm omw tho.

Z: alright. I'll meet you in the middle.

Z: stay on the trail though.

E: yeah yeah, big brother. I hear you. "Good omegas are indoors before the streetlights are on" and all. I know, I know.

Z: lol where'd you hear that?

E: Aunt Faye.

Z: haven't heard from her in a little while. Since New Years, I think

E: she talks to mom a lot. Asks about you, too

Z: I'll have to call and check in.

E: yea. but come get me first :<

Z: lol of course. i'm coming.

[wolverinedoctorwho]

when people tell me i'm pretty - vent poem

when people tell me i'm pretty i think we're looking at two different people.

when people tell me i'm pretty i think they couldn't possibly mean me. they mean the idea of me in their head. they mean the me that comes out of my mouth, my traits, my personality. i'm funny enough that they find me attractive.

when people tell me i'm pretty i think they're looking at me from a completely different angle. like watching a show on a monitor where the colors are more vibrant than they should be.

even on the days when i feel pretty, i couldn't tell you what features of mine are actually desirable. undesirable, sure. i wish i was in better shape, i wish my hair wasn't a mess all the time, i wish my face didn't just look "wrong" in photos without great lighting and effort.

when i wear skirts i feel the least feminine i've ever been. when i try to do my own makeup i feel like the kid in the movies everyone made fun of for putting on his mom's dresses. i feel like someone trying to do what's expected of them, and failing, miserably.

when people tell me i'm pretty, i want to tell them they're wrong. i want to tell them they don't have to say that, that it's ok for me not to be pretty, that it's fine if i'm average at best. i want to tell them it hurts more to hear that than it would to just not talk about my body ever.

whenever i dress up and try to do my own makeup i feel like the ugliest person alive, and when people tell me i look pretty that way or smile and compliment me on stepping out of my comfort zone i want to cry. why are they so invested in me getting a passing grade in gender expression?

when people tell me i'm pretty, i wonder why it bothers me so much. is there another word that would suit me better? or is it simply my own anxiety and dislike of my body that makes me uncomfortable? is it because growing up i was never remarked on positively, only chastised by my mother for my messy hair and my stretch-marked thighs and my small chest and my stomach that sticks out no matter what i do? is it because nobody my age ever told me i was pretty, only old people who would have said that to me no matter what?

my ex-boyfriend used to call me sexy. we'd be in his bathroom, nude in front of the mirror, and he'd smother me with compliments, and i would stare at myself in the mirror and wonder what he saw that i didn't. it's hard to leave a bad relationship when they're the only one who's ever found you sexy.

when people tell me i'm pretty, i wish for a moment that we could swap. that i could see the girl they think is so pretty, and they could see the me that i think is not. maybe then we would understand each other. maybe then i'd *get it*. maybe i'd think she's pretty, too.

when people tell me i'm pretty, i smile, and i thank them. like you're supposed to do when someone compliments you.

and then i change the subject.

[keefwho]

September 08 - 2024 Sunday

10:58pm

5.5/10

The first chunk of today was a blur, as usual I took a long time cooking breakfast and I wasn't sure how to start my day. Part of me wanted to spend a lot of time in Cities Skylines but I didn't get around to that. I couldn't even watch my shows because the internet was bad. I kinda messed around and did nothing until JD was free to hang out. We played Planetary Annihilation for a good while. We started off against 2 "bronze" AIs which absolutely swamped us. It was pathetic. Then we fought each other but using only bot factories and I totally smoked him. He got a little frustrated though so I felt a little bad. Although I also feel good because of how he was always the winner when we were kids, especially when it came to RTS games. We hopped on VRchat for a little after that so he could show me this world he found. I didn't think it was very good tbh, especially with the world size but he thought it was cozy. At this point I was feeling the need to talk a little deeper so I asked him how he was. We talked about whats been stressing each other out a bit and that helped. I think he got a lot of benefit out of that, more than me today. Right now and the past couple days I've been feeling strong, like I've been staying true to myself well, making plans, and sticking to decisions. My big focus has been on making sure I'm being myself. I think thats the only requirement I need to have friends or be loved. Also if I keep sacrificing who I am too much for others, I will not be able to take it anymore. I'm forced to respect myself lest I snap.

I was peaking at mods and stuff for PA when DS let me know she was free. We watched some youtube, took a practice drivers test, and then she bought Hades so she could stream it. We moved to my server for that. It was a lot of fun, it was more pleasant to watch than I thought it would be. I knew I'd have fun either way but I really got into it. Unfortunately someone annoying joined for awhile but he did leave eventually. He was backseating and doing that thing where he talks to his pets out loud WAY too much without anyone having any context for what he's doing. DS and I would be trying to listen to the dialogue but he'd be yapping to his dog. In bed we did classic puzzles. I felt like I shared a good sentiment to DS tonight which is not caring or giving into people that might think something about you. Its really toxic behavior I've learned and I hope that sometimes I can help quell that kind of thing because I don't like to see her or anyone else I care about losing themselves to others. I think I'm right with this new emphasis on being myself and I want to spread that to others. True connection happens between 2 entities that identify each other as separate beings. And we can only do that when we act like our own being knowing we will be accepted for it. Either entity bending to the will of the other creates an unbalanced dynamic which often results in harm.

I think a lot like a sleep schedule is the foundation of all scheduling, being yourself is the foundation of many things as well. It's a core requirement to pursue anything higher effectively.

Lately being myself includes accepting how I feel and loving strongly. It also includes making the tough decision to enforce more boundaries and take care of myself in an attempt to be more effective at contributing to my environment in the ways I choose to. Thats whay I want, to be a well functioning individual that helps improve areas I personally think need it. I also want to help my loved ones and let them know that I love them very deeply. It's something I was a little ashamed to admit because my behavior has often been pointed out to be problematic or undesirable. Over time I've taken to believe that my form of "love" is unwelcome so I cannot experience it anymore. I'm not allowed. But I am. Maybe I have made mistakes in the past but they do not bar me from experiencing a basic human need and trying to do it right. I love. I love a lot. I refuse to hide it.

[dadkisser15]

Fuzzy brain

Im currently trying to read and it’s romance (of course) but all I can think of is his fucking smile and thinking about it just makes my chest feel all fuzzy and warm. It’s distracting in a way but a lot of things remind me of him so maybe there’s just something wrong with my mind; I of course don’t mind thinking about him though, I just can’t bother him right now (he’s sleeping) so that makes me kinda sad!!!!! God I miss his smile, his laugh and his presence; I love his mannerisms and I love how comfortable I feel with him. I can be kinda shy at times but his playful behavior and the way he doesn’t drop a topic immediately makes me want to open up and share. I just needed to get this out of my head real quick so I can read but my heart and head is so full of him. I feel like im going crazy but I don’t want the feeling to stop, it’s a good feeling. I wonder if he ever feels like this, id love to study his mind and figure out his thought process. I feel so ugly right now and its probably cause I just ate, I always feel so guilty when I eat even when i don’t eat much; it’s like my head is stuck in this spot where i feel like I need to insult myself for having normal human needs. Im just scared of gaining weight and being undesirable. I know, so random but the guilt is hitting me right now. Honestly, I really hate the way my mind works. I feel like I don’t have many desirable traits. I overthink and over analyze EVERYTHING, I’m awkward and so bad at conversation. I get embarrassed easily, I don’t know why but I really hate that because sometimes I get embarrassed at the most random things and it just doesn’t make sense to me. Im so bad at regulating my emotions, when I feel something it hits hard. I’ve found ways to cope with that though so it’s okay but I hate being emotional. Someone could say something and not really mean it but oh! would you look at that im fucking sobbing because im so extremely sensitive?!!!! Oh and I get jealous so easily…. I HATEEE feeling jealous. Like if I was attractive maybe some of these bad traits could be okay but im NOT. All of my life I’ve been just some ugly kid and now im just barely mid. I’ve been trying to embrace some of the features I was given but still im like cursed with the FUGLIEST build 😭. Like what the fuck… 😨😨😨😨😨 I just want to be pretty. I want him to find me pretty. Guys I wish I was a baddie 😭 fml fml fml fml fml okay I’ll go read instead of self loathing ☹️. I just want to be loved so bad, I want him and I would literally tear any woman that gets in my way. Im joking!!! Guysssss if you can get him you can have him 🩷 im kidding id fucking crash out and someone would die, like genuinely I’d hunt a bitch down for even trying. You guys think im playing but im fr that man is mine. IM JOKINNGGGGGG!!!!!! 😊 sorry, i sound crazy and fucking weird! Maybe im feeling a bit angry about something but it’s okayy. Icould literally care less like it’s not even a big deal , LIKE. ITS WHATEVERRRRRR. It isn’t whatever, I blocked this bitch but it ain’t enough I need her GONE. BYE!!!! I DONT GIVA DFUVKKKKK !!!!!! Okay I do lol sorry im so mean ☺️ it’s okay.

[fritzsdiary]

another rant (that’s all this has been)

anytime I would tell anybody of my predicament it’s always “if you know you’re doing this because your insecure and have trauma why don’t you take all this energy and time you’ve put into him and invest it in yourself for growth and improvement” and I have a lot of contention with this

1. just because I know why doesn’t mean I care.

2. i’ve spent every fucking second of my life dealing with myself. I don’t like myself and the idea that everybody it’s going to like themself is absurd. statistically what are the chances that my mental preferences for a human are going to align with what I was born with. and to try to make myself into a person I do like is an fruitless endeavor as well as mentally taxing and I would have to mask who I really am under a facade. it’s hard enough to do that around other people let alone to myself 24/7

3. my perception of myself in no way impacts how other perceive me. idgaf what you think about manifestation it’s not fucking real and doesn’t mean anything in real life. me thinking i’m an amazing beautiful person does not mean anyone else will and the opinions of the majority matter to me. (before you say anything about how I shouldn’t care about the opinions of others I ask why not. if I am too believe that I am equal to everyone then that means that all of our opinions are equal as well. and if there are more people telling me that I am an undesirable unlovable person than there will ever be of me telling myself i’m not than that holds more weight)

4. I genuinely do not want anyone or anything else but him. there is nothing to move onto.

5. what the fuck is self improvement/growth??? genuinely what is that. why are we expected to be in a constant state of change to achieve these stupid ass goals that’s will not matter in the end because we all fucking die. I hate change I absolutely despise it and being told that the only way I can be happy is to constantly be changing so I can achieve I nonsensical goal does nothing but make me more upset.

I also get told that I should focus on my dreams and passions but I genuinely do not have any. Everything I do in life is because I have to. i’m studying to be a teacher because once again I cannot stand change and the thought of me being anywhere but a classroom makes me feel nauseous. I don’t have a genuinely passion for teaching. school is just familiar. I have nothing I want to do and nothing I want to achieve. I don’t want to travel the world (I hate traveling and frankly there is nothing I care about enough to go see) I hate concerts (too loud, too crowded) I hate socializing (the overwhelming feedback has been that I am bad about it) and I don’t give a fuck about having a lot of money. the only thing I really wanted was to have my own family. to get married and have kids but

1) no one wants to marry or have kids with me

2) the person I want to do these things with has ghosted me

3) it is very obvious that I would not make a good wife or mother

the day I abandoned my one and only goal of having a family is the day I did not want to be alive anymore. and every time I allow myself to imagine myself with a family it’s always me and bumblebee

which is insane because he does not want me

at this point I really have nothing to offer life and life has nothing to offer me. I don’t want to be alive anymore but dying is change and we all know how I feel about that

[itsgeecheebitch]

Ugh, I honestly hate that my dopamine receptors are so used to me going on Facebook.

I managed to detach myself from twitter. I stopped going on Instagram. And I stopped listening to Black manosphere, "alpha male", red pill, male/female power dynamics bs podcasts(I was trying to understand how men think at one point in my life. And I was also trying to understand, in what ways, Black women have hurt Black men. As a Black woman, I am aware of the many ways Black men have and do hurt Black women, but I never heard their side of the story, hence why I started frequenting straight Black male dominated spaces and gawd, it's a terrible place. )

But for some reason I have yet to unplug from Facebook and I really need to because the bullshit I see on there frustrates me so much.

As toxic and nonsensical Tumblr can be sometimes, at least I don't have to deal with the toxic gender war mayhem while I'm on here. And I would much rather spend most of my social media time on here than on other platforms, I'm very unlikely to interact with the discourse that goes on, on here.

Only problem, I feel like a lonely island on here. I dont get that much interactions on here, whereas on Facebook and Twitter I receive a lot of interactions with different people so it makes me feel like I am apart of an online community.

But the toxicity is just raising my blood pressure. Example, a male influencer posted a post about Black fathers with Black daughters who disparage Black women online and how they would affect their daughters if they were to come across his posts. Tell me why there were Black men in the comment section saying that Black women are the bottom of the barrel, we are only good for fucking and dumping, we are rude and undesirable. Others were saying that his words(as a theoretical father to a Black daughter) as a father does not apply to his Black daughter so long as she does not grow up to become the type of Black women he hates.

In another post, I was told that a man's DNA from his semen exists forever inside of a woman's vagina(which isnt true) that her body contains the DNA of every man she has ever slept with and that their DNA will affect any baby she conceives(causing the baby to be born with the DNA of other men, which, again, is not true). The poster used this misconstrued unscientific babble as a reason why Black men should not date, respect, or marry any Black woman who was "ran thru". And according to a lot of Kevin Samuel, Jason Black, alpha male, manosphere, redpill bros, the vast majority of Black women, especially those from America, are "ran thru hoes".

And if a Black woman decides she is tired of this bullshit and becomes a feminist as a result then all of a sudden she is considered a hater of Black men. Someone who doesn't actually care about Black people or Black boys and is actively working against the welfare and needs of the Black community.

And god forbid this same Black woman decides to get into an interracial relationship.

I remember I was denigrated on facebook, and my boyfriend also broke up with me, all because I simped over Geralt of Rivia and called him zaddy(around the time I was unaware of the connotations surrounding that word, especially when a Black woman uses it to describe a non-Black man)

I'm just tired of the toxicity. I'm tired of the sexism. And according to alpha males and their enablers (such as Sharazad Ali) sexism does not exist in the Black community, Black women are just "hoes" and "Black male haters" who are afraid of accountability.

I just feel like I need to unplug from everything. I need to distance myself from people who spout this garbage(even if they're family members). I just wish I mastered the art of not giving a shit, especially about what people think. But it's easier said than done. Like most people I do care about what people think, it's literally hardwired into human DNA to care about what people think. In hunter gatherer society, if people didn't like you or thought badly of you, they left you to die. So it became imperative for your survival to become likeable or at least tolerable. And even tho we aren't hunter gatherers anymore we still very much think like them.

Sigh, I just need a vacation from the Black woman hating bullshit

[tangiblejournal56]

8/14/11

My occasional run-ins with the Caveman grow more & more surreal, as though he was a joke being played on me by faces I cannot see.  Yesterday he showed me his “poetry,” unrelievedly awful, kept importantly in a black portfolio in his backpack.  I skimmed over them quickly, wanting to yell at him that words have meaning, they require attention, care.  Instead I mumbled “interesting,” the most benign adjective I could spit out.  Unable to be cruel, yet I could not bring myself to encourage such a waste of paper.  My coldness, another anecdote to bring home to Jacob.  We all must have someone to feel superior to, it seems.  I am no better.

I am over my delusions that Jacob may hold any feelings stronger than friendly endearment toward me.  I was reading signs that weren’t there, gestures hollow that my loneliness attempted to breathe life into.  With Josh out of town last night I played about with Jacob, drinking whiskey, smoking pot, trying to put a haze between my thoughts & myself.  We went swimming, we laid on my bed watching a bootleg of the latest Harry Potter film (of Jacob’s interest, not my own).  On the living room floor we wrestled, I was smothering him with a pillow, as I enjoy doing, being silly to make him laugh, “Pay attention to me Jacob!  I want attention!”  I was sitting atop his splayed body & I could feel his erection smacking against my ass through the thin material of his pajama bottoms, & suddenly he thrust me off of him, “I don’t want to be strangled anymore,” keeping a casual tone.  I pouted at him, “It’s not fun without you,” & he looked at me, “Strangle yourself,” his phrasing ripe with innuendo.  It was then that I got it.  If there is a real attraction there he does not want to feel it.  So familiar with that situation I let it go.  Who am I to insist on anything better?

Alone, I went to my bed, “strangling myself,” & as he does when my loneliness gets the best of me, Ryan popped up in my head.  Not strictly the sexual moments I sometimes revisit for these purposes, but a whole series of memories like snapshots zipping through my mind, razor-sharp & dangerous.  His head on my lap as I read to him from House of Incest & the legends of the greek gods.  Him sitting on my lap in the arcade at Double Dave’s.  In the cabin at Wildlife Ridge, the blanket concealing our sex as the others flitted in & out of the cabin.  Slow dancing alone in our apartment to Toussaint McCall.  Coming home to tell me he’d gotten hard just thinking of me at work & had to hide his erection.  Making out like two teenagers for hours on our tiny couch.  These memories like very sharp knives slicing into every part of me, & I the girl mad as birds, crying & masturbating alone in the dark.  This city is no good for me any longer.  I used to feel myself growing here like a tree, adding new limbs & leaves for every new experience.  Now however there is only stagnation, a putrid rot on the surface of every day, & I am haunted by Ryan’s ghost everywhere I go.  I am not strong, I am too weak to fight the soft decay of my limbs, my mind.  I sink each day further into misery, & even Josh & Jacob cannot pull me out of it.  I hide this self from them, I am not their responsibility & I have no desire to make them feel bad that I cannot be happy here.  I relate all of this only to Max, who probably tires of hearing it, as he seems to be doing alright since I left.  No more injured ankles, slowing down his drunken revelries.  I fear somewhat dramatically that I may never be happy, anywhere, again.  Not with the whisper of the happiness I’d found with Ryan hanging over me.  Over four years have passed since I met him.  Over two since I’ve last seen him.  When does it end?  Why can’t I get past this?  Thom told me he’d always found Ryan to be pretentious, & that bothered me, even now.  I could tell he was only trying to help, to stretch for a flaw to make Ryan seem undesirable, but pretentiousness was never a presence in Ryan’s character.  He was accepting & curious of all lifestyles & traits, he always wanted to know how others live.  Perhaps that’s why it’s so hard to rebound, because I honestly cannot say he is a bad or even unlikeable person.  Even Thom liked him, despite his opinion now.  He is funny & clever & charismatic, no prejudices.  He’s intelligent & outgoing, inventive, sarcastic, has a way of making you feel important, all of his attention on you & you alone like the sun’s rays pouring golden upon your form.  Loving & romantic & sexy, those heavy-lidded chocolate eyes the ultimate aphrodisiac, the half-smile & low, lazy voice when we’d make love like gods, all morning, all afternoon, into the evenings.  Pulling up the blankets, the pillows, pretending he was searching for something, “Where are your flaws, I can’t find them!”  Laughing, he’d collapse next to me, his head on my chest, his arms around me tight as he could.  The fire burning in me for those moments, that undiluted flow of love.  Something I’d never known even existed, didn’t even know what was there to long for.  I was lucky, when would a girl like me ever be loved like that?  Should I wish that it had never happened, so that I may still be blissfully ignorant of that attention?  But I cannot, even now knowing how short-lived his love is, how easily he can give into the next girl who comes along.  This does not make it any less genuine, or make what we had any less real.  I cannot even hate him for it, he simply gives all of himself in any relationship, he lives fully in life.  How can he do this again & again amazes me, as just the one time it exhausted me, physically, mentally.  I am unable to pour myself into every person I am with, I’d perish from the strain.  He & Max are the only two men I’ve ever fully loved, without question, & Ryan is the only person I’ve given myself to.  Handed over the keys & trusted him not to throw them away.  Instead we threw each other away, burned through decades of love & experience in less than two years.  I miss it, yes, but often I miss him, just him, his own self as a fact, so easy to enjoy life with.  The way I miss Shawn, or Thom, someone to find fun in anything.  He was not only capable of easing my blues, he chased them off like he’d waged war.  A war I suppose he lost.  Both of us.

[lvndrfctn]

confessions in the midst of ruminating.

It is 4 am. I can't sleep because my mind has taken some bullshit and decided to run with it. It feels like ruminating is nearly impossible to stop, if you know the secret, please tell me.

I have a confession.

I have nowhere else to put this right now. I haven't had therapy yet which I know would/will help. But I did the thing not even your friends can make you feel better about.

Something I have deeply internalized is that I am not and have never been wanted by a person that is actually romantically available. I've been here, ruminating about everything I've done wrong this entire week because I have been triggered by my own actions. It feels as though this revolved around my interactions with men, more specifically.

I've been in so many--more than healthy ones--situations where men who are not available are interested in me or they are not appropriate for me to be romantic with (most of which were not my fault or idea, i.e., coercion, etc,. etc) and to my utter disgust and disappointment in myself as someone who has had SO much therapy; I still deeply operate in my wounded self. A lot, unfortunately. This happens to be the area I have done the least amount of emotional work on.

It's embarrassing. And it is like the cardinal sin, like driving drunk; you do not knowingly flirt with someone who has a monogamous partner I know this, of course, and it is deeply misaligned with who I am, truly. Is this really the worst thing someone can do? And why does the villain always end up being the single person in the situation; can men not hold any accountability here? I mean. I know better. But in this moment I need to place some blame somewhere else, too.

I am disappointed and embarrassed for a few reasons. In myself and the other person. First, if this person were actually available to me, I wouldn't want them. This stings, and is not kind, but the thrill comes from gaining attention from someone who can't have me in good conscience. I like getting attention in "bad" and/or inappropriate ways from deeply unavailable people. I feel an immense sense of power by successfully pulling a man that cannot have me, because of whatever reason. Usually that they have a girlfriend. But not just anyone, they are always someone who I feel in some way I have superior over. They cannot have me either way, and I feel so deeply undesirable to men that are readily available and single. My deepest and darkest insecurity is that no one will ever want me. That all I will know is loneliness; that relationships come easily and without effort for almost everyone. Everyone but me. The power is intoxicating in itself, just knowing that I could if I wanted to, regardless of the people it will hurt. Their partner, them, me. in the moment I just don't care. I know exactly how to manipulate the situation to go in my favor, where I can tell I have them thinking about me.

Second; the idea that I am being perceived as messy, out of control, and acting IN character--seriously destroys me. Because we can understand human actions as long as it does not interrupt monogamy. I can think of countless times, because of my past experiences being manipulated by men, that I have haphazardly flirted with men who have partners. I mean really, like there really are some women you should keep your boyfriends far away from.

This has nothing to do with them at all... but it does cause harm and it is why these actions feel so egregious. It also really hurts knowing I am wrong. Accepting that I did something Bad. There are countless times when men have harmed me in very serious ways, without a second thought and without rumination in guilt for my wellbeing. I try to use this knowledge to justify my actions in my mind; like, if he cannot strongly stand in his fidelity then this is not my problem. Maybe in some way, it isn't, but is it not my problem knowing my consciousness is not at ease and that I am not in alignment with my higher self? Comparing my misdeeds to that of these men is obsolete. They could never be as Bad; and yet, I know better and most of the time do better. What this tells me is that there are knee-jerk reactions from wounds I have from being groomed, raped, abused, and manipulated. Actions that could actually really cause harm to another person. I flirted with this person while their partner was in the room with us at a party--HIS party and I genuinely felt pleasure from that. What the fuck? Like that realization feels AWFUL. Does it make me a terrible person? NO. It really doesn't. There is no Good and Bad, there is only human and I am human, and I know better, therefore this cannot happen again or I will be continually operating from my wounded self in romantic situations.

The real honest to god TRUTH is that if this person could ever be with me, I would be repulsed. The Ick would be too real to process and if he ever actually confessed feelings for me I would absolutely. 100% reject them, and that doesn't feel good, but it does. In some ways. It's just the power. And again, sex is all about power. Even for women, sometimes. I am not all good. I manipulate situations to get what I want and I do know that. I disregard people's feelings because in some scenarios it makes me feel better. I do not have permission to harm other people because I was abused.

It can be the reason I do it. It can be WHY I do it and how it is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that it is the first way I respond in situations where that door has been obviously opened for me to walk through.

It is punishment and revenge all in one. Punishment for me later and revenge against an abstract group of men that I have felt rejected or abused by time and time again.

Men so flamboyantly manipulate and harm women that it is brushed off and normalized; when I do it, I am committing a capital crime. I am breaking the code every woman knows is actually the Bad thing. Really, the single woman is the biggest criminal in society and we are punished with a heaping spoonful of distaste and distrust from everyone. "Why aren't you married," a complete stranger asks while I am at my job. How am I supposed to answer that? No one has wanted me enough to propose? I have never been secure enough in myself to realize I am the one with the options and not the other way around?

How can people see me be messy? How can I live with that? Is there a way to stop rumination if you were the person to cause the harm?

I feel like the other party would want me punished and so I oblige without them saying so. I won't eat or sleep or find relaxation until I grovel and apologize and sympathize, and vow to never drink with friends at a bar again. Actually, forbid myself from having friends for a while. My thoughts say, "This feeling won't go away, and that is good because you deserve to feel this way because my messy was visible to other people and there is no way to externalize accountability, so my rumination for a few days or a few weeks will be a worthy enough self-punishment. Self-flagellation is the only way to progress in healing from this."

Because I did this; committed the ultimate single woman crime, I won't find love of my own, where I am the center of it, because what goes around comes around. If I fall in love, that person will cheat on me, as punishment. You can never trust anyone anyway, because the very act of you trusting someone with your heart will inherently cause the domino effects of karma for your misdeeds. Is that enough punishment?

If a friend were to confide in me about something like this, how would I respond? With compassion and care? Would I tell them to apologize to the person they flirted with? I don't agree with the last answer though; I am not sure it is something that needs to be conspired about with the other person. As long as they are not confessing their feelings and deciding to leave their current partner--this is shit we need to deal with on our own.

I would tell them that first and foremost, they are not a bad person--at all. I would say, this is an amazing and telling trigger of theirs. Something about that kind of power triggers a response from a past situation where they had no power. I'd say, evaluate this emotionally not just intellectually- you know it's bad in your rational mind, but your behavior was involuntary, and continues to be, so how can you figure out a way to deal with this in your body rather than intellectually or externally?

I would tell them, it is the trigger they need to deeply evaluate, but there is no amount of self-harm/abuse that can take away what has already happened. Maybe reevaluate the situations you put yourself in with the person you are currently attached to who is inappropriate. You've done this with your ex-boyfriend, co-workers, random guys you know from around town, and now within a new friend group. Although it might not be a bad idea to step away from the friend group for a time, or only hang out with them in safer settings, it should not come from a place of punishment and rather a place of care for yourself; maybe those spaces aren't currently safe for your triggers.

It is true though. People who are not supposed to be interested in me always are. It seems as though, I am ONLY desirable when I am not actually a full participant in the wanting. I don't know really what it is about me that screams "Please take advantage of my vulnerability in this area" and how men who will abuse my kindness and affection can somehow sniff it out in me--I am expressive and do wear my heart on my sleeve at times. I can be flirty, or at least can be perceived as such because of my demeanor.

I am also just now realizing how beautiful I am. Like, not in a cute, inspiring way; in the way that I am incredibly hot. Like more than average beautiful, and I think men love to bring really beautiful women down with them. They feel this exhilaration from humbling very intelligent, beautiful, and emotionally developed women; while at the same time truly believing they are stupid and unable to see what is happening to them and the manipulation being thrust upon them by someone who is not even worth breathing the same air as them. I have been at a true disadvantage because, for most of my life, I have listened to the men that wanted to humble me. It worked for a REALLY long time. It still does sometimes because there are a lot of instances where my self-love and belief in my actual beauty have conditions for me to acknowledge.

This feels disturbing because as I'm writing this it feels wrong to say how beautiful I actually am. I can feel so confident and feel myself in real-time making myself smaller just in case everything I am intimidated by someone or makes them examine themselves critically or harshly. In more informal spaces, what I'm used to, i.e., conversations with Ph.D. candidates, people living in New York with my dream job, people with incredibly prestigious educational backgrounds--spaces where I FEEL less than; compared to where I am now, with people who I am not putting on a pedestal. Where I am able to experiment more with my social interactions.

I compulsively watch reactions from people in social situations by acting and responding differently each time. Based on their reactions I can understand what is safe behavior around this specific group of people. I feel so much safer knowing I can mitigate embarrassment or being misunderstood if I can foresee reactions based on how I respond differently. I do this all the time, and frankly, it is exhausting. But this is how I keep myself safe in big groups of people. I can almost instantaneously mimick senses of humor, common phrases in a group, which dynamics are closer or more comfortable when dynamics change based on a new person joining an interaction, if someone feels uncomfortable, or if they are enjoying the interaction when someone is bored with the conversation or they are acknowledging to themselves that someone (or few people) are taking up too much space in conversation (I experiment more with this one because I was chronically interrupted most of my life--for the longest time I couldn't finish a sentence or thought verbally to someone because I was simply waiting for them to interrupt me and then they are confused or I assume, think I'm stupid because there wasn't substance to the musing or idea because I didn't know how to finish my thought) if there is some sort of scapegoat or someone who is typically the butt of the joke versus the person in the group who is dominant or most popular. I also respond differently if I can feel that someone needs more support within a group dynamic; I will often interrupt the dominant person who has interrupted a more submissive person within the conversation to bolster or further consider their idea instead of the person who has taken up the most space in an entire interaction (big or small group). If there is a situation in which one group of people within a larger group has maybe unintentionally left people out, I will start a different activity with them, or act very enthusiastic about OUR interaction because it might feel bad to be on the outside.

I know this takes a lot of psychic work that I do not actually have, and a lot of assumptions about how people feel based on how I've felt in social situations in the past... but if I can act as this bridge in interactions, I will. I am the same way in classes, with group projects. I have noticed that no one feels interested (most of the time) until someone brings enough enthusiasm for everyone to start out with. I think it is because I have ALWAYS been a participator, initiator, and encourager, includer because these are all things I've felt I lack socially. I have felt that very few people want to be the person that has to draw others in intentionally for fear that they will be the ones who are made to look stupid or are publicly ridiculed, and these are about the only instances where I will put myself in a more unsafe situation to further social interactions.

The worst moments in my life have been those where I was made to feel excluded in situations where a group of people was still operating at a high school clique level. At the time, I didn't know this was an immature way to interact with others and that it was everyone feeling as though they will be socially scrutinized. In the past, even if someone told me this, I wouldn't have believed them.

All of this to say; I have really underestimated my power socially because I didn't realize the space I actually take up in them and the way I LOOK to other people and how that might make them feel upon first interacting with me. There was no possible way for me to embody that because I was so incessantly beaten down by people who knew that and wanted to take advantage of it--literal adult bullies exist and they can sniff out insecurity and trauma in anyone, and they WILL use public humiliation and abuse tactics to tear someone truly powerful down.

So when I can misuse that power to fill that very specific gaping romantic wound, I will. Or at least, I did. I hate it and I do not feel good about it. But there is no good/bad scenario that could ever describe the complexity of our/my actions. It disturbs me that I can't share this anywhere else, but maybe, that is a good thing. Not everyone needs to know everything about you.

I did open that can of worms with three people and I regret it now. I want to internalize and embody the truth that no one knows anything about you until you tell them or show them. People can talk about you. They can hear gossip and use their own discretion on how to base their opinion of you, but they don't actually know you or care at all until you've (maybe unnecessarily) pointed out the flaw you feel they need to know to better understand your growth. That is great and all, but sometimes mistakes deserve to stay between you and your therapist. It is actually a thing to reserve certain information for people who have shown you over time that they are trustworthy and love you enough to give you earned benefit of the doubt.

It can feel murky when trusted people aren't available. I think the romantic need to Take has been intensified by the fact that I feel like so many of my close friends have been taken from me by their serious relationships. I feel that we are all doomed to a nuclear structure even if theoretically we don't agree or believe in it. I worry that I cannot have a serious relationship like this because If i were to ask, "is this the dream?" It couldn't be a hell yes. I don't dream of having children of my own but I do dream of spoiling and spending tons of time with my friend's kids, offering real help and not symbolic help. I want to live close enough to be there for an emergency. To drip them off or pick them up from school because my friend just really needs some time to themselves. To offer my time, so we can all be a little wealthier in time--so it is more evenly spread across communities. I am so deeply terrified of feeling stuck with the same person because I am always alone with my partner. I remember feeling this way the one and only time I was in a serious relationship and deeply in love with him; I remember so desperately needing meaningful time away, knowing the relationship was not in any way over and didn't need to be. So what does this mean for a LIFE long commitment? To commit to building a family and owning property between just two people? While in turn committing to unlearn everything I read about community care and mutual aid, building neighborhoods, and making space for the typical black sheep of heteropatriarchy, i.e., childless people, queer, polyamorous, single, aromantic, and disabled people?

I struggle with this more deeply as I feel more isolated from those who I consider peers. Everyone else's priorities are so different than my own. I think externally, it looks like I haven't accomplished much. I am a single woman, I don't own property, I am childless, and I don't have a thriving career in whatever, and I have not yet gone viral on the internet for any great wisdom I've shared or life-changing art, but the work I have done is monumental and if I am alone, who can see it? Was it worth the work? Did I spend years of therapy learning to do more than merely keep my body alive only to be pushed further out of "community?" These are the things that haunt me and push me further from my "hell yes" because these aren't things I can produce on my own. I've done so much of my life in isolation, it is hard to imagine how much longer I can go on doing it.

AND YET, I do feel good right now. So when I act out of alignment with my healed self (high self, whatever) it is shocking but telling. Of course, it is my unconscious self communicating to the parts of me that do the unlearning. I have to further excavate those wounds and actually move on from my abusers, no matter how deeply ingrained their actions are in my body. Somatically, I have a lot of work to do. I am trying to move more, and do actions and activities that require mind/body communication, but it's difficult to pursue alone (and without that kind of therapy). I also realize my privilege in having the time to dedicate to this kind of inner work.

I wonder if at some point, if and when I do have a serious relationship, I will be eating my words. OR if I'm lucky, I'll be with someone who wants to build a life like this.

I have dreams for a location for us, but it doesn't matter where we are if we are building together. I have to open myself up to everything while not holding on too tight to the people I already have. I can hold them close, but I need to learn to let them be if that is what they need. In my idealized mind, we have the capacity for friendship, too. Not in a distant way, but where it is wholly appreciated way. It should be just as sacred as our romantic attachments. I don't exactly know what I'm talking about but it seems as though, the people around me have lost themselves in their partners. As a chronically single person, I have no way of even sympathizing with this because even these scenarios are theoretical, given that we can never foresee how we will act when they come up in our lives. I'm sure I'll be reading this someday, kicking myself for being so judgemental. I don't know. OF COURSE I don't know.

The bottom line is, I am SO TIRED OF BEING ALONE. I'M SO TIRED OF HEARING OTHER PEOPLE TALK ABOUT BEING LONELY AND YET WE LIVE IN A TIME WHERE IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS NO WAY AROUND IT. I can blame the nuclear structure all I want, but the intersections in capitalism are never-ending. Our lives are a product of it and it is hard to have the capacity for everything I've talked about living in our current hellscape. I have TIME privilege. A family that took me back in, at home, without conditions. So many don't have that and never had the option. I can imagine how that must feel to others. I have no space to feel bitter.

In the grand scheme of things, my petty actions from my trauma are small potatoes. This is such a small blip in my life and everyone else's.

Small potatoes. This keeps running around in my head, with any worry or inconvenience. I worry about how I complained too much at work- small potatoes. I "failed" a social interaction? Small potatoes. I'm worried someone is choosing to misunderstand the very information I've written here, as I write it, despite my deep desire to be understood? Still small, in that if I want to share it and they don't like it, or hate how I write, or feel it was necessary to share, fuck them. Seriously, fuck them. Life is too damn short to act super-human.

Writers divulge too much personal information for their jobs. That is something I haven't fully been able to wrap my head around, either. Everything I've read and have felt less alone after reading was a product of another beautiful person making a very brave decision to share, despite the inevitable judgment, positive or negative.

I keep forgetting I'm allowed to write about things other than my ruminations and insecurities. Or even intellectual subjects, but also artistically. I also want to challenge myself to self-lead journalistic projects. To even see if it is a style of writing I enjoy.

Okay. Back to this dude. He isn't attractive enough for me. Nor is he athletic, and he doesn't have good style. I've heard countless times what happens in situations where a woman is so far out of man's league, i.e., he forgets what the fuck he looks like. I am thinking about this because I am truly worried he thinks this might mean something. I hope for the love of god it never comes up again. For everyone else, it's maybe, wow... they flirt too much and it's kind of weird; and NOW it won't happen again. Now that I am hyperaware I can delineate these actions from a deep abandonment/romantic attachment wound--we can move on. Similar to a recent scenario with another man. My abandonment wound was triggered so heavily by a man that didn't have more clothing than one (1) clothes hamper, he owned (1) pillow, and he refused to put sheets on the bed when I drove 2 hours to spend a few days with him because "he didn't have time to wash them, and his backup sheets had a blood stain on them" and the night before I visited he most likely stayed the night with the girl he made me hang out with for 5 hours after I drove there to have a date with him. LIKE--this needs to be examined. This is my job now. This is the work that has been overlooked because it wasn't relevant until now.

It is only in these situations where I act totally and completely out of character, and it has nothing to do with bipolar disorder.