#i think the actual blog post comes off less unhinged than i feel about it but boy oh boy

[prosebushpatch]

Alright, so, yesterday, I recorded every single POV in each chapter in The Lunar Chronicles like a normal person and that's what this blog post is about. So if you want to want the overview of me going pepe silvia over the fact that one of the love interests has less POV chapters than two side characters, boy have I got a post for you!

[datesinredink]

I won’t lie, I completely forgot that I actually planned on posting writing on this blog- aghhh I’m one of the most inconsistent people alive, god help this outcast please. Here’s some stuff I wrote while listening to the ruikasa fixer cover. Hopefully since school’s over for the summer I’ll remember to write more! Might do Tsukasa later.

General yandere Rui headcanons

Yandere type: Monopoly main type with stalker and manipulative subtypes

I think you’d know Rui either as one of his middle school friends or as a WxS fan

If you were friends in middle school, I think he’d be less intense in his obsession. You’ve already stuck with him for this long, so he has less doubts of whether or not you’ll leave him.

On the other hand, if you meet him through his shows with wxs, he’s much more paranoid about you abandoning him, especially if you also end up getting close with the other members.

He doesn’t realize his feelings for you at first, though his friends probably notice. It’s likely one of them teasing him about you that makes him finally piece things together.

Anyway, I think he would’ve stalked you throughout school and occasionally outside of that even before he realized he loved you, but now that he knows, he’s upping the ante

Any room with good hiding spots have cameras in them, he’s hacking your devices, giving you little robotic gifts that, while cute and fun, also have listening bugs.

Speaking of gifts, you now have a horde of them. Anything from little figurines that throw confetti, to your own robo-you if you’re shy like Nene.

He brings you along to his rehearsals. He does show off a bit, but it’s in line enough with his usual dramatics that it’s only obvious if you’re looking for it.

Unfortunately, Rui tends to be Extremely Jealous. He is NOT a fan of you getting close with the others. I think he’d believe Tsukasa to be the biggest threat, since he can be genuinely charming, followed by Emu, then Nene, since he’s known her for a while and trusts that she won’t hurt him by getting in his way.

I don’t think he would resort to killing other people, it’s just not in his character. I think his method of driving people away from you would be leaning into his reputation as an unhinged freak so that people stop talking to you since he’s pretty much glued to your side whenever he can be. This might result in some injury to others, but usually nothing too bad. He won’t go further than a medium sized cut or a particularly bad bruise.

The main motive behind his obsession is a fear of abandonment. He’s been so alone and isolated from his peers for so long that the first time someone he’s in love with doesn’t think he’s creepy (before the stalking, anyway) he can’t help but latch on to you and never want to let go.

He’s entirely aware that what he’s doing and feeling isn’t normal or sane, but at the same time, he doesn’t really care. Even if you do find out, he’s been called a maniac for almost all of his life, so even if it stings a bit more, what’s one more person? If push comes to shove, he could just stage an incident to get you expelled and then keep you in his basement with him and his inventions.

[rickie-the-storyteller]

Steph's Crew - Book 3 Summary

I was meant to post this last year to sort of close the Steph-related content and focus more on other projects. Actually, I was meant to post a lot of things last year...

Bretanie analysis (on here)

Season 1 of AU (on my second blog)

Jekyll and Hyde, but in the modern world (I've been working on that for fun on the side, and I've decided to post the full story on Wattpad)

Revealing the identity of the secret blogger (I'll probably do it in this post, since it is relevant to this part of the story as well)

I've been so busy, y'all. Sorry for the delays.

I just want to make sure I have time to do everything as best as I possibly can, so you can enjoy it. I think it was less pressure posting the Steph's Crew dialogues and snippets because they were old pieces of work, and since the time I first wrote them, I've neatened it up and made it considerably better than it was... I know that the stuff I've shared isn't the final product, so I don't feel the urge to make it perfect. At least not to the extent that I do with all these other projects lol.

Hopefully this can help make up for lost time. I'll get to the other posts mentioned on that list as soon as possible, but until then... here's a summary of the third and final instalment of Steph's Crew!

Enjoy!

Keep in mind that I'm still working on this one. It isn't finished yet, but I wanted to give you guys a rough idea of how it goes. And prepare for this, because it's pretty unhinged lol. I collaborated with my sister on some of the wackier ideas...

Book 3 is titled "Story of a Broken Thing." It picks up where Book 2 ends off, more or less (or at least, it fills us in on what went down since the end of Book 2). If you can't remember how UVC ended, then here's a link to that summary:

But to put it briefly, the crew have successfully solved the mystery, Brelise have split up again, Bret's gone on tour with his band, Dalice are together, Bephanie is over, and Stephanie got arrested... but then escaped from holding. Nobody knows where she could have gone.

Which leads us to Book 3. It is set a couple of years later (I think about 5 years after Book 2 ended), and a lot of stuff has happened in all that time...

Dylan and Alice have broken up. Wasn't meant to be, I guess. But don't worry - they're still friends, and there's no bad blood between them or anything.

Victor and Jen have unfortunately split up as well, leading to Jen moving back to Texas. Alice decides to go with her. She's doing alright - currently taking some classes at a local college, and helping out at her old dance studio in her spare time. She's also still making YouTube videos.

Bret's band is still doing well. They're not touring anymore at the moment, but they are super busy recording a new album, and filming music videos. Plus, they have been asked to perform at the Jingle Bell Ball towards the end of the year, which is very exciting. Even though he has moved back to the UK, because of the nature of Bret's job, he can't just stay in London with his aunt anymore like how he used to... but he still comes to visit her as often as possible. And he and Elise are still close friends, so that's cool. He's been seeing other people over the past couple of years, though.

Elise and Charlie are together. She decided to give him a chance. They're really happy together and they seem to have a pretty healthy, solid relationship for the most part (they've been together for two years straight by the time Book 3 has started). Charlie still harbours some degree of jealousy/wariness towards Bret, though, since she's still really good friends with him. He's never once brought it up to her, though. But it becomes a big deal in this part of the story... more on that later.

Ben isn't really in this part of the story... at least not until towards the end, when Stephanie randomly decides to call him for some reason. But he's doing fine. Moved back to his cooking job from Book 1 lol. It was good money, and now he doesn't have another person to share it with! Wait, that sad-

And by now, Dylan, Connor (who has finally moved on from Daisy! Thank God), Elise and Charlie have all finished their university courses. Yay!

In fact, this is what kickstarts the plot. Dylan's family (we get to see them again in this one! Specifically his mother, her new husband and his younger brother Sam. I feel like we didn't get enough of them last time) is very proud of him for finishing such a long, tough course (3 years, + 1 foundation year + 1 year of masters), and they decide to reward him with an epic summer trip to Australia. And it is during this holiday that he sees Steph again (she's not in Australia btw - he sees her when he goes with a family friend to the Samoan islands).

She fills him in on how she got there. I haven't neatly worked this part out... but basically, Reggie helped her leave the country (idk whether to make him a villain or some kind of loose cannon/antihero type of guy. Like, he's awful most of the time, but he's also one of Stephanie's oldest friends, and he can be genuinely nice when he wants to be. Especially to her. He needs to be in trouble tho lol. I think the thing about him is that he gets away with his awful behaviour easily, whereas Stephanie is kind of forced to be held accountable, even if she actively runs away from the consequences of her actions sometimes...)

After that, she was stuck on her own again for a while and needed a job. So she applied for a job at a local Natia hotel (Natia is a famous line of hotels... kind of like Hilton, to give a known real-life example). She didn't have enough money for a cab or bus, so she had to walk the whole way there through heavy rain. By the time she got there, she looked terrible lol. But when she arrived, she bumped into a handsome young man who kindly helped her out. He got her a room and some clothes to change into, which helped in making a good first impression and whatnot. She got the job!

Later, she found out that the guy's name was Jordan Natia. The son of the hotel line founder (he also owns the hotel she got a job at). She thanks him for her help, and he invites her for dinner... and the rest is history.

And by history, I mean she ends up marrying him lol. Dylan finds out that she now lives at the resort that he and his family friend are currently staying at. She also has a baby daughter named Mia (short for Miranda. Not suspicious at all). She loves her life so much right now. She's always prided herself on being a strong independent woman who can take care of herself, but she's surprised at how much she's enjoying being a stay-at-home mother and housewife lol. She loves spending time with her baby, and she loves her husband a lot, too. He takes good care of her. However, similar to Ben, he doesn't really know all that much about her (Jordan goes through a similar arc to Ben's in Book 2, where he finds out the truth about Stephanie, and it changes the way he sees her. Minus the cheating lol).

Dylan is shocked at how much Steph has changed since the last time he saw her, but he's happy for her at the same time. He can see that she's genuinely happy and seemingly at peace, which is great.

Meanwhile, back in the UK, Charlie has decided to propose to El. He's taking it VERY seriously - even asked for her family's blessing and everything. They all said yes... even Adam lol (he's grown to like Charles by now). One summer evening, he pops the question (in a truly beautiful and romantic way btw), and Elise says yes in the moment, but she doesn't know if she truly feels ready for marriage yet. Something about the situation feels wrong to her, but she doesn't know what it is. However, instead of communicating her mixed feelings to her now fiance, she decides to distract herself with hangouts with her family and friends, as well as getting into her work and other hobbies, preferring to think about anything other than her problems (man, does THIS sound familiar lol). Charlie starts noticing a change in El's behaviour and it begins to really upset him (especially since Bret is one of the people she starts spending more time with, and we all know how she feels about him), causing more strain in their relationship. It only gets worse when they find out about Stephanie's whereabouts...

Dylan messages the others about his trip everyday through a group chat. One night he reveals that he's reunited with an old friend of theirs and sends a picture of him and Stephanie hanging out. The others are shocked. Elise especially.

The situation started becoming somewhat of a controversy in the news... people started talking about it more online, many blogs and news websites (including The Looking Glass) started covering it. Alice made a video on YouTube talking about it (and it came from the unique angle of her knowing the person from school and being their friend and everything. She didn't mention Steph by name, though). It blew her channel up.

The story of Stephanie's escape was quickly resurfacing back into people's minds after being forgotten for such a long time. And this wasn't good for Steph lol. Especially after finally making a life for herself that she was genuinely truly happy in.

But that's not the end of the story.

I'll tell you the rest in part 2 of this summary!

[therealvinelle]

You've said before that you think Meyer is a good writer. I'm neutral to her myself but you're the first person in the fandom to say that that I've seen and I was wondering what your reasons were.

Sure thing.

First of, some referential links. In this post I explain why I like Meyer’s worldbuilding, and in this one I explain (in the last reblog - you can get away with skipping the previous posts) why I think her character creation is well done, and in this one I talk about why I like Twilight in the first place, though that post got a bit off-topic.

So, let me first do the disclaimer that I do not think Meyer is perfect.

Her greatest flaw, I’d say, is that what she intends to write isn’t always what ends up on page. Edward is for instance supposed to be the ideal man, chivalrous and the very antithesis of toxic masculinity. His relationship with Bella is supposed to be a love story on part with all the classics. Jacob, too, is intended as a dreamboat. Alice is the ideal BFF, Rosalie is the bitchy Regina George, Esme is the ultimate mother, and all the Cullen relationships are wonderfully happy. Aro is supposed to be a sinister villain and the Volturi are all corrupt.

Now, all of the above is how Bella perceives things, and I’m all for unreliable narrators. All narrators are, to a point, unreliable, and inferring things from fiction is one of my favorite things to do (as you can probably tell if you’ve been following this blog). However, so far as I can tell Meyer didn’t intend for Bella to have no clue what’s going on at any given time.

As it happens, I also think this is one of her strengths. This woman is living on a different planet, her mind is on a level I can’t follow at all, only spectate in silent wonder. What I’m saying is, no author in their right mind would write Twilight. No one would write Edward as delightfully unhinged as he is, for starters, not without toning him down significantly (just look at how the movies toned him down). To say nothing of how Bella would be a much more functional person, and in turn much less interesting. Aro would be an actual villain, and Twilight as a whole would not be so overwhelmingly bleak.

Her strengths come through in that she’s consistent about it, and while she interprets things differently than I do, she is still the creator of this bizarre universe and one who knows it intimately well. Does she think Edward is great, yes. Did she also write Midnight Sun without pulling any punches, also yes.

I’d put it this way, the flaw of hers that I’m trying to get at is that she creates this rich and horrifying universe and gets full credit from me for that, but she views it through rose-tinted glasses. Which in turn leads to some interesting writing and plotting decisions.

She has one other significant flaw that comes to mind. She’s not good at cutting things.

This goes for both scenes and plotlines. There’s a lot of filler in these books, from Bella making enchiladas in Twilight, to New Moon taking far too long in Jake’s garage and with Bella’s depression before things start happening again, to Breaking Dawn being 2/3rds filler (the wedding, honeymoon, and vampire euphoria especially come to mind.) There’s a lot of stuff in these books that weren’t necessary to the plot. The Host suffer from this as well.

To say nothing of the bigger things she should have cut, like Jake’s involvement in Breaking Dawn. He’d played out his part, Bella chose to become everything he hated, we were done. The book had more than enough story with Renesmée and the Volturi happening, and Jake’s involvement only served to lower the book’s overall quality. And introduce a pedophilic storyline, which, Meyer no.

Then there are decisions she made where I would have chosen differently, such as Bella returning to Forks at the end of New Moon.

However, this all being said, I am a very difficult person to please. Meyer was never going to tick all my boxes, and while I have points of contention with her, my overall impression is a positive one.

(Just to stress how difficult I am to please: I read Good Omens a few days ago. I liked it very much, but it wasn’t perfect. Shadwell, Madame Tracy, Newt Pulcifer and the Them could all have been cut, for starters.

I’m too critical of everything, and it’s not just Meyer that I think should have cut significant parts of their respective stories and made them into something fundamentally different.)

So, now that I’ve torn her apart, what do I like about her? What, for that matter, do I think constitutes a good writer?

To list a few things I like about her as a writer:

She’s good at writing Her prose is very good, her characters are interesting and engaging people, she’s very good at establishing a scene or a character, and she’s evocative. Her prose never bores me, and it makes me feel things.

She has good ideas Self-explanatory,  really. Her lore is extremely original, her characters are interesting, and she comes up with great backstories and worldbuilding. The Southern Wars, for instance, brilliant.

She’s consistent She’s described this herself - she doesn’t get to decide what her characters do, sometimes they do things she very much does not want them to do and she’s quite put out about it. And that, I think, is the key to why her characterization is so consistent - she doesn’t do that dreaded thing where the author forces a character to do what they must to force the plot along, like cramming a square through a triangular hole, she just lets her characters decide for themselves. As her characters are already delightful people, this works out beautifully (Edward conspiring with Jacob that they should forcibly abort Bella’s baby so Jake can then impregnate her comes to mind. Or Aro, whom she views as a powerhungry maniac, showing up at the battleground and being absolutely devastated about that fact.) as they never do anything they wouldn’t do, and their characterization does not change from one book to another. (Counterexample: look at how Kylo Ren in The Rise of Skywalker turns towards the light when we’re closing in on the end of the movie. It’s unconvincing, to say the least, and runs contrary to what has previously been established about him. The movie does not bother to explain why this happens now, what it is that’s so special about one chat with Han and a duel with Rey that makes him turn his life around, nor why it couldn’t have happened sooner. He is redeemed because the trilogy is nearly over, not because it made sense for his character.)

Her plotting is generally good Her plots make sense, I’m invested in them, and they’re reasonably adapted to her characters’ power levels (The clusterfuck that was the Department of Mysteries showdown in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is an example of the antithesis of that).

Of these virtues, I’d place the most emphasis on Meyer’s writing and character creation.

As for what makes a good writer…

It’s difficult for me to pin down.

It’s chiefly whether I think their writing is good, and that means prose, characters, and plot. As Meyer fulfills all of these three, that puts her in my “good writer” box. She’s not perfect, but she has earned her place as a published author.

More, I enjoy reading her books and care about the story and characters she creates. This is a matter of personal preference, but I’m down for what she’s putting out. It would be disingenuous for me to do that and then say “... but of course, she’s a terrible writer”, in part because I feel that’s become a bit of a disclaimer when it comes to Meyer. It’s like the Emperor’s New Clothes. Stephenie Meyer is a bad writer, everyone knows that, if you think otherwise you have bad taste. She has written things, I’ve enjoyed them all, and I’m giving her full credit for that.

[longitudinalwaveme]

Worst Flash Storylines and Plot Ideas of All Time

As you’ve probably ascertained from the general contents of this blog, the Flash is my favorite comic book series. I love the characters and most of the stories. However, just like any series that’s been around for eighty years (counting the Jay Garrick stuff), the Flash does, unfortunately, have some truly terrible stories and plot ideas. 

In terms of terrible plot ideas that didn’t completely ruin the surrounding stories: 

1. Barry Allen uses the Mirror Master’s mirrors to manipulate Iris into agreeing to start dating him again (Flash #109). Creepy, Barry. Just creepy. The story is great Silver Age fun otherwise. 

2. Iris West: meanest woman alive. Iris was, by and large, incredibly awful to Barry up until maybe about a year before their 1966 marriage. Almost every time she shows up in an early Silver Age issue, you will admire her daring and independence (this is good) and be bewildered as to why on Earth Barry would want to spend time with a woman who is constantly calling him slow, lazy, and ambition-less (this is not good). It doesn’t really affect any one issue too much, but when read in a conglomerate, she starts looking really awful. Although as bad as Early Silver Age Iris seems as a romantic interest, she’s got nothing on Silver Age Superman and Lois Lane, the most dysfunctional couple in the DCU. 

3. Wally West’s zero-effort code name and costume (Flash #110). It really could not be more obvious how little effort the writers were putting into creating this character. The duplicate origin is also pretty cheesy, but there are enough differences from Barry’s origin for it not to frustrate me. But the name “Kid Flash” and the fact that his first costume was literally identical to Barry’s just feel incredibly lazy. Barry and Wally do have an adorable dynamic in the issue, though, so it’s by no means all bad. 

4. Barry Allen waiting an entire year after his marriage to tell his wife that he’s really the Flash. Frustrating and unnecessary; especially since Joan Garrick had been in on her husband’s secret since the 1940s. 

5. Iris Allen is FROM THE FUTURE. I both love and hate this idea. It’s so perfectly comic-booky, but at the same time, it opened the floodgates for the Allen family being a confusing, time-displaced mess. 

6. The Trial of Barry Allen. This one’s weird. I like many of the individual issues in this arc, and I actually think the last two issues are really great as an ending for Barry Allen’s original run, but this storyline dragged on for waaaaaay too long. There’s a reason I call it the Arc that Never Ends. Also, the titular trial is actually the least interesting part of the entire storyline. His battles with the Rogues and Kadabra are far more interesting. 

7. Wally West’s borderline creepy, chauvinistic attitude towards women under Mike Baron (and, to a much lesser extent, William Messner-Loebs). There’s being a hormonal twenty-something, and then there’s going through girlfriends at the rate other people change their socks. Messner-Loebs mostly avoided this issue by making it clear that Wally was under intense psychological stress that was negatively impacting his behavior, but under Baron and in some of his JLE appearances, he comes across as a real creep around women. 

8. Kadabra overkill under Mark Waid: I like Kadabra, but when he’s the main villain in like four distinct arcs, it gets to be a bit much. It’s like modern Eobard. He is legitimately written well, though, so he doesn’t drag down any of the stories too much. 

9. Pointlessly Dead Rogues: Killing off the Rogues in Underworld Unleashed for no good reason (the rest of the story is great, especially the Trickster). 

10. Pointlessly Dead Rogues 2: Electric Boogaloo: The Golden Glider’s pointless death to build up a character who was himself killed two issues later. (The rest of the story is decent.) Also, the treatment of Lisa in general post-Crisis is frustrating, since she becomes considerably more unhinged than she was before. 

11. Any time Waid tried to write McCulloch, with the exception of Flash vol. 2 #105 (and even there, he seemed off). It’s like he forgot Evan wasn’t Sam. 

12. Apparently, the Top trying to blow up both Central City and half the world makes him a loser? Also, he suddenly hates Piper for no readily apparent reason. (At least the story had some good Piper and Wally bits.) 

13. BARRY ALLEN HAS A SECRET EVIL TWIN! DUN DUN DUN! (The rest of the story, where we get to meet a whole whack of interesting future Flashes, is actually pretty good, but whoo boy, the Malcolm reveal feels like it came straight out of a soap opera.) 

14. In order for Captain Cold to ANGST, the Golden Glider’s pointless death remained in place for over ten years. It did give us a really, really good Capt. Cold story, at least...but it’s still fridging. 

15. Rainbow Raider’s mean-spirited murder by Blacksmith. Poor Roy. 

16. Albert Desmond becomes Hannibal Lecter, only twenty times as rude, for a Gotham Central arc that would’ve been terrific without him as the main villain. 

17. Owen Mercer is an idiotic child murderer and gets killed by the Rogues. Why was this necessary? (The rest of Blackest Night: The Flash is pretty good.) 

18. Josh Jackam-Mardon’s murder. The murder of small children for shock value is pretty gross. Especially since nothing was ever really done with it. 

19. Barry’s PARENTS ARE DEEEEAAAAD! (Okay, it’s really just his mom, but still. This is a very frustrating retcon, since originally his parents were alive and well until after his own death.) 

20. Albert Desmond was Barry’s jerk coworker; which never impacted the plot or led to anything. As a result, it’s just another frustrating retcon. 

21. Sam Scudder murdered someone before becoming the Mirror Master. Yet another Johns retcon that never went anywhere and only serves to darken the Silver and Bronze Age stories after the fact. 

22. Flashpoint (a decent story) wiped out a whole bunch of characters I really liked from existence for several years. Evan McCulloch’s still not back. 

23. Giving the Rogues metahuman powers doesn’t suit them, on the whole. They work better without them. 

24. Roy’s second pointless, brutal death in (I think) Forever Evil. 

25. IT WAS MEEEEE, BARRY! After serving as the main villain for like six arcs in eight years, I’m glad that Eobard finally seems to be getting a rest. The level of bad things he was responsible for was getting ridiculous. 

26. Sam/Lisa. WHY? (The only time it even kind of worked was in Forever Evil.) 

In terms of entire storylines I didn’t like: 

1. The Flash: The Most Terribly Written Man Alive. Poor Bart is aged up with no adequate explanation, loses all the traits that made him a likeable character, fights some awful villains, and then is murdered by the badly OOC Rogues. Meanwhile, Inertia goes from an at least somewhat sympathetic villain to a complete psychopath with little explanation, a murder is retconned into one of Captain Cold’s reformed periods, the Pied Piper and the Trickster completely forget that they’re supposed to be reformed, Abra Kadabra inexplicably teams up with the Rogues despite generally being a solo operative, and all of the Rogues act like total morons, willingly following a teenage speedster for no adequately explained reason. UGH. 

2. Countdown to Infinite Crisis: Even though Piper and Trickster were probably the best part of Countdown, that isn’t saying much. Both of them are uncharacteristically stupid (especially James), and James is a grade-A jerk to Piper for no reason. Also, both of them continue to forget that they reformed, and then James gets brutally murdered and Piper almost loses his mind. Also, the other Rogues cameo, and continue to act like idiots. Countdown: it really does ruin everything it touches. 

Superboy Prime will kill you! He’ll kill you to DEATH! And after you read Countdown, you’ll wish he had killed you to death. 

3. The Identity Crisis Tie-In Retcon: So, you know all that awesome character development the Rogues have had over the years? Well, forget all that, because it was all just Roscoe brainwashing them! Which was something he could definitely do before this story! And why did he do this? Why, because Barry Allen, one of the most upstanding men in the DCU, brainwashed him! Also, apparently, the Top had a huge bodycount that we never heard about back in the Bronze Age, because we need even MORE grimdark retcons for our cheerful Silver/Bronze Age history! I like Geoff Johns’ work, I really do....but BOY HOWDY does he need to lay off on the retcons sometimes. 

4. Identity Crisis: With the exception of Owen’s introduction and the establishment of the relationship between him and Digger, this story was pretty awful all around. More specifically, as far as the Flash was concerned, it was responsible for Digger’s second pointless death. It also killed off poor Jack Drake and poor, mistreated Sue Dibney, who deserved MUCH better. And the Justice League, including Barry, are A-OK with brainwashing, apparently. Comics are fun! 

These last two stories are pretty recent, and they did have some parts I liked, but on the whole I felt they also belonged on the list. 

5. The Trickster finally returns! Hurrah! Except it turns out that he’s way more like the Joker now than he ever was before, and he mind-controls the city in a super-creepy way. A very disappointing return for the character, especially since it was set up really well. 

6. Forever Evil: Captain Cold becomes a murderous dictator with a stupid Santa Beard, all of the Rogues get horrible costumes, and Sam completes his mutation into Evan-in-all-but-name. There are some good characters bits in the story (even for Cold), but on the whole, I found the story to just be unlikeable and depressing and thought Cold was pretty out-of-character. Poor Commander Cold....

So, what are your least favorite Flash storylines and plot ideas? 

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

okay so i’ve been going crazy these past few days. all about cockles/jensmish and obsessively watching their panels or reading the transcripts BECAUSE. THEY ARE LOUD. LIKE. i saw some fancams on twt and i thought people were just exaggerating but noooooooooo!!!???? so, getting to the point. you said that how do we know that jensen is performing masculinity? because jared isn’t and THAT IS A BIG BRAIN MOMENT. ON POINT. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. a particular moment from gag reel that jumps out (which you’ve talked about) when jensen goes ‘cas, you are my baby daddy’ and misha goes, ‘i know i love you too’ and jensen goes, ‘i didn’t say i love you’ and misha goes, ‘i know you wanted to’ and jensen says, ‘i love you’ WHAT THE FUCK! that was NOT a joke. yes, people took it as a joke and had a good laugh BUT I HAVE WATCHED IT TOO MANY TIMES AND IT LIVES IN MY MIND RENT FREE BECAUSE IT WAS NOT A PERFORMANCE. THAT WAS JENSEN. THAT WAS MISHA. jensen has a had trouble with the pda and being all touch feely (the breakup theory) and he gradually grew into it, accepted it and misha was right there all along, never pushed it. it was like a deancas au but tbh, 99% of destiel is because of cockles and we all know it. i just. jensen has latched onto dean as an emotional support because he tunes with it. understands it. projects on to it. yeah, i just had to say it and get it off my chest. (and what about those poetry pages on instagram? alma? what is your opinion?) btw, you have a lovely blog and your analysis are right on target.

so there is a LOT i’m going to address here(how dare you bring up [gunshot] i HAVE to talk about it now) so again!!!! under a cut it goes but i hope you appreciate my rambles anon it seems like you do :,)

1. jared vs. jensen and performing masculinity. hell yeah man. jared and jensen are both just ‘guys from texas’ but they are still so vastly different. today i actually had a revelation that i’m pretty sure has to do with me being bi. and it’s that i have a group of straight friends(that i love dearly but they care too much about hockey and pitbull imo could not be me) and i have a group of queer friends(who are also batshit[affectionate]). and it’s like whichever group i hang out with a different side of me emerges? they’re both me, it’s just that certain aspects of who i am as a person only surface depending on who i am around. however, i will say i feel like i watch what i say around my straight friends more. i see that very clearly in jensen as well. around jared during panels and on set, he’s definitely putting on an air of machismo and engages in typical guy talk. i do think an element of it is performative, because he wants validation from jared that they’re still just two dudes from texas taking on the world together despite his sexual identity. does that make any sense??? i hope so. but when he’s with misha he is an entirely different person and his sense of humour becomes wildly different. the machismo fades away, he’s way less caught up in what people think about him, lets his guard down, etc. to go back to my original point which is how j2 are different in that regard....jared does not do this. he is a constant. he does not flip a switch between ‘performing masculinity’ and ‘not’ because he isn’t performing any part of who he is. he just IS. so yeah these two are similar in many regards but there’s somewhat of a dissonance between them when it comes to how they perform masculinity because one of them is putting on a show and the other is merely being.

2. that crypt scene blooper(here just in case you need to see it again. do it. as a treat.) when i tell you i have easily seen this over thirty times??? since it first came out??? i mean it. it is such an overlooked(r*mantic) moment and it means so much more than people think it does. i’ve talked about the context behind it, and i think that’s why this blooper was so meaningful, so i’ll mention it again. jensen and misha had a LOT of trouble with this scene. the reason is that jensen couldn’t wrap his head around why dean would be saying these things, if i remember correctly, and both of them sat down and scoured over how they should play it for a while before filming(teamwork ;) teammates *ahem*). [to be honest we all know why jensen had a hard time with that scene and it is because it is blatantly romantic. rip to him but i would simply give in to it at that point but oh well] so anyway, their heads were scattered going into shooting, which is NEVER a good headspace to be in for a scene, ESPECIALLY not a pivotal one. but they had each other to help them through said weird energy on set that couldn’t possibly have invoked the best feelings, especially considering jensen STILL doesn’t think he played that correctly(but he praised misha on his performance :,) ). and with that context every single part of that video hits haRD 

-’stop pulling my face towards your crotch’ i think this is objectively hilarious because it really really looks like jensen is pulling HIMSELF towards misha’s crotch. again, you’re fooling no one, jensen. misha’s wheezing laugh and the way he wraps himself around jensen is also,,,sweet??? like i don’t know how else to describe how i see it but this moment really reads as jensen, in his weird ‘constructing elaborate rituals’ way is asking for security through a physical touch from misha and he happily obliges and gives jensen what he needs. because i mean...watch it again. jensen ‘fights back’, but not really at all, actually. pretty wimpy counterattack. he literally lets himself be smothered by misha, and i would literally describe what they end up doing as cuddling. 

-’i need you, cas. you’re my baby daddy’ i love having an actor’s perspective on things bc i think i can explain what’s going on here. jensen just delivered what was(in his own mind) a rotten take of the lines he’s most scared of delivering. so the scene was already messed up. therefore; ensuing fuckery is warranted to help him feel better. but there’s also for sure more than meets the eye for what he says here because of misha’s reaction after??? like he seemed genuinely touched. first of all, he’s saying ‘you’re my baby daddy’ as half-jensen, but not necessarily dean either(because he didn’t say the previous lines as true to his character...you get it), to misha, not cas. i think i’ve made this point before, but every single innuendo in the gag reels is to misha specifically, never once cas. therefore; logical conclusion: ‘you’re my baby daddy’ was for misha and it meant something deeper than we think because of what follows it

-this part. jensen’s giddy ass smile after he sees misha crack and then misha says ‘yeah, i know’ (can i just say his voice when he says this is so intimate???? like am i intruding guys??? sorry i’ll let myself out) also he is smiling SO BIG

- ‘i know’ ‘why are you laughing?’ ‘no i know i love you too’ this analysis is already so long but i still want to get into what THAT whole exchange means. ‘why are you laughing?’ to me sounds like jensen’s pretending to be affronted by misha laughing at something that is serious. and it’s serious because he quite literally meant ‘i love you’. he did. misha knows it. misha’s really REALLY good at cutting the bs and just getting to what people are actually trying to say. he has an innate sharpness to his sense of humour. so yes, misha is being 100% accurate when he says ‘i know, but you wanted to say it.’ misha isn’t lying here. jensen did want and mean to say ‘i love you’. and then he actually does say it(in a jokey way but not really). 

- so yeah. it is actually so romantic??? like in a weird way jensen was professing his love for misha here?????? and that’s why this clip will NEVER. ever. get old. 

3. jensen having trouble with pda and projecting onto dean: we can all call ourselves dean coded cas girls but NO one deserves that title more than jensen ackles himself. he is dean winchester but marginally less repressed because he actually did admit he was in love with his best friend and let himself be happy, and pretty early on too. one year and two months as opposed to twelve years. so. happy deancas au is correct. and yes about the pda thing: one day i want to write my own post about both of their body language when it comes to each other, but all i can tell is jensen, even in the early days, couldn’t help himself from flirting with misha, but if misha ever crossed a line, jensen would not be happy. clearly he’s come around, however. what i find sweet is that misha always follows jensen’s lead when it comes to how much affection they’re allowed to show each other onstage. it touches my soul

4. destiel is cockles fault. yeah. and the thing is everyone knows it, too. even non-cockles shippers will explain early destiel as entirely dependant on jensen and misha’s wild chemistry. and that chemistry is easily explained by the fact that misha and jensen are literally just wildly horny bisexuals who were crazily attracted to one another and were falling in love on screen before our very eyes. and when you have THAT insider info(which sounds cray doesn’t it!!!! the destiel actors are in love irl??? huh???) everything really does click into place. why destiel got SO popular when the show and actors never ever intended for it to happen.(i know some people think misha was playing cas as gay the whole time for shits and giggles, and i won’t deny that[especially considering he found out early on that destiel was why he was staying on the show], but i don’t think he really wanted it to amount to anything, nor did he care??? i mean he has the real thing with jensen, for one, so their characters aren’t really as important. for two, he loves joking about destiel because it’s a cultural phenomenon and it’s fascinating, and i’m sure he did ship it because he’s unhinged, but i don’t think it was vastly important to him either way.) destiel got popular because everyone was and is unintentionally reading into the real deal. i could pull up countless gifs that people have used as destiel proof that is actually just jensen and misha being messy. mainly jensen. if i’m being honest.  the symbiotic relationship between destiel and cockles is why i’ve stayed onboard the destielcule and shellerscape for three solid months now; because it is utterly fascinating to witness and kind of super beautiful, too. 

5. alma(and others). so. i do NOT want to really REALLY get into this in its entirety here and now so i will just give you my opinion on if i think alma is misha or not. also; i don’t want to mention the other poetry accounts here bc i feel like that’s a bigger breach in privacy, but a lot of people do know about alma now. way too many, actually. this is why we can’t have nice things. anyway-to answer your question-there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that yes, misha is running that alma poetry account. i am 100% certain. some people think it’s actually three people and they’re all connected to misha in some way but that is so needlessly complicated. as it goes in psychology; the easiest explanation is probably the right one. it’s just one person running that account, and it is misha collins. i don’t know why it’s so hard to believe KNOWN POET misha collins(who is known to spend most of his free time writing poetry anyway) would have created a secret poetry account to write about his intense secret relationship under an alias and also get legitimate feedback since no one used to know it was him. oh and the handwriting is identical??? you are blind if you do not see that i am sorry. and a million other things prove it’s misha too but yeah all you need to know is yes. it’s him. it would take a literal livestream from a random woman on that account to convince me otherwise. and honestly not even that because a random woman could technically still log in if misha asked her too. so. it would take a hell of a lot to convince me otherwise, clearly. that said DO NOTTTTTTTTTTTT GO ONTO THAT ACCOUNT WITH A SUPERNATURAL RELATED USERNAME AND COMMENT THINGS THAT ARE COCKLES RELATED. ARE YOU BRAIN DEAD WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT’S OKAY. sorry i got heated but god please just don’t be dumb so many people have already gone way too far 

6. thank you for your lovely compliment on my analyses!!! i love doing them but i don’t know if people actually like reading them so i really appreciate it

[thedumpsterqueen]

Standards of Performance, Chapter 5: Thai Food and Realizations

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4

AO3 Link

I got this one out QUICK because I'm moving this week and packing is taking up 94% of my brainpower but!! It's out on time!! If I ever have to delay a chapter, I’ll post an update here on my blog. Also, I don’t usually do taglists, but I have had a few people ask - so if you want to be added to a taglist for new chapters, just shoot me a message! I love you all so much, thank you for the continued support and comments!!! <3

Summary:  You’re the BAU’s newest intern, desperate to prove yourself amongst an established team of much more experienced profilers. Agent Hotchner, the seemingly infallible team leader, sets strict expectations for your performance. He commands your respect without even trying, but is there something more to your relationship than a simple desire to impress your stony-faced boss?

Chapter: 5, Thai Food and Realizations

Chapter Summary: You decide to talk to Hotch after the Matthews incident, and wind up discovering a lot more about both of you than you bargained for.

Words: 2616

Rating: Explicit, 18+ 

Pairings: Hotch x Reader, Hotch x You

You weren’t prepared with the immense boredom that came with actually having free time.

The rest of the team had closed the case and flown back (at least you assumed they had; you hadn’t checked), and Hotch had texted you not to bother coming back in until they got a new assignment. You were grateful for the courtesy - a little time to decompress after almost being murdered was nice - but after months of having almost no life outside of the internship, you weren’t entirely sure what to do with yourself.

By the time day four rolled around, you had caught up on the reading you’d been meaning to get to, deep cleaned twice, tried and failed to get into running, and sought out at least a dozen other forms of mindless entertainment. You tried not to think about the fact that this would be the perfect time to catch up with friends if you actually had any, but your college and post-college life spent studying like a madwoman to land a position with the BAU hadn’t exactly lent itself to a healthy social life. There were acquaintances, of course, people you’d spent time with, college boys you’d dated briefly, but none of them had ever lasted. Gotten close.

None of them had ever killed a man for you.

That was the core of it, right? The reason you couldn’t get him out of your head? He’d only known you for a few months, not like the rest of his team that he’d dedicated years to, and yet he didn’t hesitate to end someone’s life in brutal fashion to save yours. You were grateful, of course, given the alternative, but a part of you felt bad. Given his history, he was already encumbered with enough trauma - the last thing he’d needed was another death on his conscience.

That was his decision to make.

That’s what you told yourself, at least. Or tried to. But after four days of the guilt eating at you and failing to distract yourself from it, that thought stopped being reassuring. That evening, after a couple glasses of wine, you finally worked up the courage to acknowledge the idea that had been tossing around in the periphery of your mind for a while.

Committing to action before you convinced yourself this was a dumb idea - and it was, of course, but the slight buzz and four days of isolation said otherwise - you called in an order to the Thai place down the street and heaved yourself off the couch. You tried not to care about how you looked, but changed your outfit an embarrassing number of times before you got the text that your order was ready.

When you first started at the BAU, Garcia had sent you a directory of all the team members’ information. You remembered asking her why their home addresses were on the list - that’s kind of unnecessary, isn’t that, like, personal?  you’d said - and you remembered the sad look she’d given you by way of an answer. Turns out the job had followed them all home at one point or another, usually in a way that required rescuing. As you checked the directory for Hotch’s address, you considered that this information was probably only intended to be used if you needed to save him from an unhinged serial killer breaking into his home, but you figured “thanking your boss for snapping a man’s neck to save your life” was a satisfactory enough purpose.

Turns out, Hotch lived in an apartment only a few blocks away from yours. After picking up the takeout order, you started to make the trek. The closer you got, however, the more your confidence started to waver, and not just because you started to realize how weird you were about to look. Even in the dimming light of the evening, you could tell from the building facades that you were entering a much more well-to-do part of downtown. The storefronts and restaurants occupying the bottom floor of brick condos looked more high-class, the cars parked along the sidewalk more expensive and well-maintained. It made sense given his status in the FBI that Hotch could afford to live in an area like this, but still, you hadn’t imagined it. You hadn’t imagined him living outside of work at all, actually - like an elementary school teacher, it was strange to think that he had a life outside of his job.

You stopped outside of the address on your cell phone, a greystone, ivy-covered apartment building. The doorman saw you pause at the threshold and opened the door from the inside.

“Visiting, I assume?” he asked, as you stepped inside.

Still in shock at the fact that you were in the sort of area that had doormen, you nodded. “Um, yes, Agent Hotchner? I mean, Aaron Hotchner? I work with him. For him, actually. He doesn’t know I’m coming.”

The doorman gracefully ignored your verbal fumbling. “Do you have a badge?”

It made sense that Hotch would use that as a barrier to entry. Smart. You nodded again and produced it from your bag. He waved you on to the stairwell, where you made the climb to the fourth and topmost floor.

You stuttered to a stop outside his door at the very end of the hall. Suddenly overcome with nerves, you took a mental stock of yourself: slightly winded from the four-floor climb, dressed in an oversized sweater and leggings, hair less-than-artfully windswept, hands slightly shaking with adrenaline, clutching a bag of takeout. Not the image you wanted to present to your boss.

God, this was such a fucking stupid idea.

You started to turn away, intending to leave the way you came, when the door in front of you flew open. You yelped, dropping the bag, and turned back to see Hotch standing in the doorway. He was in his work pants, still, but a plain black t-shirt replaced his usual button-up. His left hand was on the half-open door, right hand behind his back, no doubt holding his gun. You put your hands up sheepishly in surrender.

“Hey, Agent Hotchner. Sorry. I just wanted to-”

“What are you doing here?” he interrupted, eyebrows screwed up in confusion.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to, um, thank you. For saving me, the other day. I brought you dinner.”

He continued to look at you like you’d just grown two heads.

You leaned down and picked up the bag of food, holding it out towards him lamely. He looked down at it and finally seemed to relax, shaking his head.

“I’m sorry. I don’t get many- I wasn’t expecting a visitor. Please, come in.”

It hadn’t occurred to you that he might invite you in, but you weren’t about to pass up the opportunity to see Aaron Hotchner’s apartment. You stepped in, and he replaced the gun he was holding back in a drawer by the entryway, locking the door behind you. You were suddenly overcome with sorrow, knowing his life had progressed in such a way that hearing footsteps outside his door was a cause for alarm.

The apartment was nearly as intimidating as the man himself. Tall, industrial ceilings loomed over the open, warehouse-style floorplan, populated by neutral furnishings. An exposed brick wall on the left housed a stainless-steel kitchen, while a king-sized bed on the far right wall was placed near the only closed portion of the space, which you guessed was the bathroom. The windows were numerous - multi-paned and massive, but curtains were drawn over most of them. It was all a reflection of Hotch - impressive and somewhat cold.

There was a single photo, from what you could see, in the entire apartment - a small frame on the otherwise file-covered coffee table between the couch and flatscreen. It was a photo of Hotch, a woman, and a young child. You found yourself drawn towards it, as Hotch took the bag from you to set it on the kitchen island, and you walked over to pick it up. He was smiling in the photo - a genuine smile, not the tight-lipped imitations you caught a few times at the office - and the sight filled you with emotion. Who was he before you met him? A father, a husband, of course, but what was he like?  Did he laugh at Prentiss and Morgan’s off-color jokes instead of chiding them, did he go out to social gatherings with the team? Did he spare emotion when speaking to a victim’s family, as he so rarely did now? Would he have broken a man’s neck without thought like he did to Matthews?

“You’ll stay for dinner?”

You quickly set the frame back down.

“Oh, no, I wasn’t planning on it. Like I said, I just wanted to thank you. I’ve been thinking about it the last few days and I just feel… bad. I guess. You didn’t have to do that.”

“Why would you feel bad?”

You hesitated, trying to avoid the truth - that he didn’t need another body on his conscience. He waited for an answer, and when he didn't receive one, he stepped closer and scanned your face. "What aren't you telling me?"

You weren't keeping anything from him, not really, you just didn't want it to sound like you were calling his mental state into question like you did at the hotel. It didn't matter though, because he had apparently pulled the answer from your expression already.

“You think I’m damaged. And that killing Matthews somehow added to that.”

There was no point in even attempting to lie to him, so you stayed silent.

Hotch sighed and pulled out a seat at the kitchen island. You took it and watched him distribute the takeout containers between the two of you, noticing that despite insisting you weren’t intending to stay for dinner, you’d ordered plenty of food for two people.

Profiling yourself is the worst.

“When Haley and I were married,” Hotch began, picking at his curry, “I took her for granted. I spent more late nights at work than I can count, and I always assumed she would be there when I got home. She was, at first, and then she wasn’t.”

You nodded, afraid to speak, trying not to disturb the moment you’d somehow stumbled upon.

“She had an affair. I never confronted her about it, but I knew. I didn’t hate her for it, but when she asked for a divorce, I let her go without a fight. I wanted the best chance to keep Jack in my life and I didn’t want things to get ugly between us. It worked - I got to see Jack; we were amicable.”

He paused before continuing, “They were killed a few years later by George Foyet. We mismanaged that case. He was ahead of us the entire time; we couldn’t catch up. When we finally caught him, after Haley and Jack-” His voice finally broke, and he set down his fork, staring at the counter.

“He surrendered. I didn't care.”

“You beat him to death,” you whispered. You’d looked up the case file, after JJ had told you what happened.

He nodded, seemingly unsurprised you were familiar with the details. “I was never charged, hardly investigated. No one blamed me. I took some time off, and I came back. I thought about going back to law, but I didn’t.”

He looked up at you, meeting your gaze. “Why didn’t I?”

You blinked away the tears that were forming, confused.”I-I’m sorry?”

“Why didn’t I go back to law? Leave the BAU? You should know the answer.”

“Are you asking me to profile you?”

He nodded in confirmation. “You’re not going to offend me, don’t worry.”

Hotch was the last person you wanted to profile, especially to his face, but you knew better than to try to refuse.

“You... wanted a sense of purpose. If you could keep the same thing from happening to other people, it would make up for what happened to your family,” you responded quietly. It was an easy answer, but it still felt wrong to put Hotch on display like that, especially after he’d already revealed more to you than you’d ever seen him do with anyone.

“Correct,” he said, without a hint of the bitterness you’d have expected to accompany that statement.

“And did it? Help, I mean?”

He studied your face, as if trying to decide whether to grant you the answer. You were suddenly aware of the strangeness of the situation - sitting feet away from your boss in his own apartment talking about the darkest moments of his life. This was insight you doubted he’d ever given before, and as you glanced over his mussed hair, the black t-shirt, caught a whiff of his cologne, you tried not to think about the implications of that statement.

Clearing his throat and raising his eyebrows, he turned back to his food. “It did. It does, most of the time. The rest of the team has been exceptionally understanding, perhaps more so than I deserve.”

“You deserve everything they can give you,” you said with a small smile. “From what they’ve told me, you’ve done the same for each of them several times over.”

“It’s my job,” Hotch said, but you could tell he softened at hearing how his team regarded him.

You both went back to your food, finishing the meal in relative silence - the kind that was comfortable, where you both knew that everything that needed to be said for now, had been. At least, the silence probably felt comfortable to him. Your mind was in overdrive.

Everything Hotch had said and done the last few months that had caused you to falter - the way he shook your hand when you first signed onto the BAU internship, the innocuous moments of praise, that goddamn tie - they were circling your mind like a vulture waiting for the kill. You had tried to brush those moments off, but hearing him open up like this, bare his soul, was too much. It was the next look you stole, watching him eat in quiet contemplation, faint remnants of the blush from the compliment you paid him still gracing his cheeks, that did you in.

You were pretty sure you were in love with Aaron Hotchner.

You were so, so unbelievably fucked.

____________

When Hotch bid you goodbye that night, after you helped clean up his kitchen (which allowing you to do had been a debate in itself), you had the brief, stupid thought that you should just be honest with him. How long, truly, were you going to be able to hide the fact that you were infatuated with your boss? Especially when your boss was in the business of reading people like books?

That idea went out the window, however, when he leaned against the doorway with his signature half-smile and said, “Thank you for everything tonight. I’m glad you’re on the team,” because you know where you wouldn't be, if you confessed your sudden realization? On the team. Hotch made it clear when he hired you, and every day since, that clear judgement was paramount to the team's success. There was no way he'd trust you to be unbiased in a situation that required it if he knew how you felt. And this position was too much to think about giving up, not after the years of studying and social isolation that allowed you to make the cut.

So, you can do this, you decided. You can lie to Aaron Hotchner.

Right?

[betweentheracks]

Updates//Recent Inactivity

Hello all! This is me finally taking some time to sit down and offer up a rundown on how life is currently going as a means of explaining my inactivity. This is a personal post that is guaranteed to be both rambling and emotional so if that is not your cup of tea, I understand and happily advise you just skip over this post as it is not relevant to the actual content this blog was intended for.

EDITED: After reading this back I now realize this is really just me spilling the tea on my own life and is laughably dishy in details which is extremely not my usual stance on my personal privacy. But idk, it was cathartic so I'm leaving it as is despite the urge to redact 70% of what I say.

I'll start with the good news that I am officially out of lockdown and have remained COVID-19 free since my return home from the hospital. This also means my son finally was allowed to come home to me which is dazzling and exciting and also a little terrible too. He's at a precocious age where tantrums are the cool way to communicate and having been gone for so long completely thrashing his established routine has caused friction. He came home and his parent was not the same as when he left; is much weaker and less energetic than before, paler and shaky - but also there's the addition of my best friend having moved in to assist and take care of me/him while we all do our best to muddle through.

The readjustment has been rough and a lot of this week has made me incredibly thankful to have practically zero memory of how I was as a child. There have been injuries: I have been whacked in the face with the metal cover for a floor vent while dozing on the sofa instead of paying rapt attention to whatever silliness he was showing off to me, there was his complete dismissal of me asking him to stay back and away from the hot oven as I pulled lunch from it's fiery jaws only to then be faced with a toddler quickly approaching with his hand raised to touch so I naturally made a move to block him and in the process I let go of the oven door which slammed upward and clamped my arm tightly between it and the inside cavern of the oven while it was set to a roasty 400 degrees Fahrenheit - earning me a mangled arm with burns of varying degrees, and then we also had that fit where it seemed like a much more grand idea to scale the babygate cordoning the stairs and I had to rush up them to stop him from tumbling face first down two flights and of course did the falling all on my own and did it backwards then slammed painfully into the wall of the landing. This all happened within a 48hr time frame and makes me wonder why I am so catastrophically inclined.

I have bruises that range the majority of my spine courtesy of the wall and stairs, two minor first degree burns on my forearm that are in the shape of an equals and quite large despite the lack of actual pain I feel from them, and the underside of my forearm was instantly blistered then popped then melted down into a horrid glob of skin mush and sticky red-orange and is a second degree burn that I have been assured is no real cause for concern as long as I tend it with care. In all, I managed to escape my momjuries relatively unscathed and with a child that was scared senseless at having hurt his momma and is quick to listen and never stops cuddling me in the time since. Here's hoping he isn't significantly traumatized from this since exactly none of this is especially his fault and is due to my clumsy, accident-prone status in life.

So yes, The Toddler has returned home to me and after some happenings we have settled and are happy. However, his blast from the past father has suddenly just decided to reemerge after more than a year of radio silence and static and has slapped me with a custody petition. Hooray. While I have no worries on this matter due to my mother working for one of the top custody lawyers in the state and snagging him as my representation, and the utter lack of competency on my estranged baby daddy's end clearly being displayed in literally anything and everything the idiot does/says, I do have to now go through the overhaul of a custody case and that is just so weak and exhaustive. Not to mention the basis of his claims that I am not fit to raise a child are founded in my health concerns and the crazy work schedule I keep; ironically, my health is making it so that I have much less insane hours and makes this fairly moot but to each their own I guess. Also worth noting on this matter is that he only did this now because he was recently placed under penalty for child support back pay and nothing in this world matters to him like his money and this is his special way of getting one over on me for tampering with his meager earnings. (He's a wannabe musician - the soundcloud rapper sort, just so we are all on the same page here). If I thought for even a second this was a genuine desire to be an active and stable parent I would be a lot less pressed to act in favor of making it legally binding that he can only see him under a supervisory condition and share time evenly, but it just is not believable in the slightest.

So the thing is - my health is actually quite dismal presently. I'm due in for open heart surgery on the 8th of April and until then I have been doing my utmost to mind all the nagging I get from doctors, PT specialists, the surgeons that will be slicing and dicing me, and my in-family medical practitioner that sometimes remembers he is also my brother and not just an MD. But like, you guys, this surgery is terrifying and technically is two surgeries rolled into one. They'll be cracking my chest open and then stopping my heart while they lift it from where it sits sweetly unhinged and lopsided in my body and very finely shave away some of the excess muscle that has built up around the wall of my heart as well as some unfriendly scar tissue that has lingered since my last surgery years ago. Granted there is no accidental slip that nicks my ugly gargantuan heart and renders me as good as dead, once this first part is finished the other surgeon will need to be deft and very quick to place this ventricular assisting piece in the valve that has all but given up on functioning altogether and do so in the time remaining before the time limit for my heart being essentially unplugged from by body is up, which would also feasibly mean my death. Lots of exciting and terrible sounding consequences, am I right?

Well let's bear it in mind that I am just below 30 in age and therefore not duly experienced in the realm of facing down my own mortality via making all necessary legal arrangements and managing my affairs and assets so that, in event of my untimely death, the custody case still doesn't stand a chance of snatching my son away to the sad misfortune of being raised by a man that has stated openly he only has interest in his kids so far as what they can do for him/get for him in terms of benefit and that he would be unwilling to be hypocritical and never deter his children from drugs and a lifestyle of extremely questionable moral integrity and hygiene alike. Eugh. But I also have had to make sure there is a DNR in place just in case things go wrong during the operation, my will has also been finalized and notarized, all my savings and financial/material assets have been squared away to come into my child's inheritance when he is of age and, most importantly, a document that states clear and direct instructions for him to be placed in care of my mother or, if she is unwilling or incapable, he will be under custodial order and guardianship of my best friend whom he has always viewed as a pseudo-dad anyway. Legally binding and even in light of the paternity petition this document supersedes parental right by way of the provided evidence I have submitted to prove a lack of parental credibility. That's right, I spent days lowkey stalking and sleuthing about to capture what I needed to show this man for what he actually is and I have precisely zero guilt or shame for doing it; this is my child on the line and that means momma doesn't have to play by the rules of snitches getting stitches or whatever other scary street rules he tosses at me as idle threats. (He's done this routinely for all the years I have known him, and it is somehow both pathetic and hilarious because he knows for a fact that, if I wanted, I could throttle him in less time than it would take for him to form a rational thought between his drug soaked braincells - I was also a person of less than savory character not too long ago and can handle myself very well. But I digress because I am losing my track of thought.

After the surgery I will have so damn much PT and rehab, all of which will be specific to varying parts of my body that will need to be reworked and strengthened. Weeks, months of it really. This surgery is major and hits heavy enough that I will be in the hospital for at least 10-14 days just recovering from it without taking into consideration any number of complications that could pop up. Hell, if they get in there and find a situation worse than they currently have an understanding of in the limited capacity of cardiology tech can provide of such a gnarled beastly heart and realize they can't really do anything with it after all, I'll be added to the transplant list. I think this is more daunting to consider than the surgery, honestly.

In that way that doctors have about them, I was "comforted" by being informed that this was an inevitability and I would have been faced with this in a matter of years - less than a handful actually - but the way COVID-19 chewed through me sped it up. I'm sure my years of substance issues were also very helpful in this endeavor, but either way I still am unsure whether I feel better knowing this or not? Mostly I think I feel conflicted and hopeful tempered with the caution of life being super shady in the ways it has often brought me to the doorsteps of dying in situations that seem like odd chance. I also am gifted with being so capable in jinxing myself that I brought myself to COVID-19 ("The way life is going I'll probably square up with Rona next week or some bullshit." Positive test flagged within the following week) and also into labor ("Watch me go into labor on Labor Day since that would be the sort of universal pun that would strike my bad penny having ass." Indeed hatched my youngling on Labor Day of that year) by saying some things within the scope of my bad humor that instantly manifested as reality so I'm not taking any risks here lol.

The gist is that life is really stirring up the winds over here and so I haven't been online and posting anything that would make my blog valid in a fat minute. I do apologize for this and also for the fact that this post took me nearly a week to type up, but when things calm a little I will be back in full. For the time being I will be sporadic and do what I can when I can!

Thanks to anyone that read this mess all the way here! And a big thank you to all of you still supporting me!

[oneweekoneband]

I’m slightly nauseous already with knowing I’m going to say this, but what does “self-awareness”  even mean? In modern parlance, as a descriptive phrase, as a comment on art? I’m asking in earnest, like, I’ve been Googling lately, which for me is basically on par with doctoral study in terms of academic rigor. The self is king, anyway, tyrant, so where is the line of distinction between material that intentionally is nodding at some truth about the artist’s life and what’s just, like, all the rest of the regular navel-gazing bullshit. I mean, I’m all self, I am guilty here. I can’t get it out of my poems or even make it more quiet. This is the tenth time I’ve invoked “I” in the space of six sentences. Processing art has always necessitated a certain amount of grappling with the creator, but the busywork of it lately grows more and more tedious. Joy drains out of my body parsing marks left behind not just in stylistic tendencies and themes, but in literal, intentional tags like graffiti on a water tower. This feels an age old and moth-holed complaint, dull, and I am no historian, or really a serious thinker of any kind. I’ve now complained at some length about self-referential art, but didn’t I love how Martin Scorsese nodded to the famous Goodfellas Copacabana tracking shot with the opening frames of last year’s The Irishman? Didn’t I find that terribly fun and sort of sweet? So there’s distinctions. I’m only saying I don’t know with certainty what they even are. I’m unreliable, and someone smarter than me has likely already solved my quandary about why self-knowledge often transforms into overly precious self-reflexivity in such a way that the knowledge is diminished and obscured, leaving only cutesy Easter eggs behind. Postmodernism has birthed a moralizing culture where art exists to be termed either “self-aware Good” or “self-aware Bad”.  Self-referentiality in media is so commonplace, so much the standard, that what was once credited as metatextual inventiveness often feels lazy now. In 1996, Scream was revitalizing a genre. Today, two thirds of all horror movies spend half their running time making sure that you know that they know they’re a horror movie, which is fine, I guess, except sometimes you just wanna watch someone get butchered with an axe in peace. 

This is all to say that in 2020 Taylor Swift looked long and hard upon her image in the reflecting pool of her heart and has written yet another song about Gone Girl.

“mirrorball” is a very good piece of Gone Girl —feels insane to tell anyone reading a post on a blog what Gone Girl is but, you know, the extremely popular 2012 novel about a woman who pretends to have been murdered and frames her husband for it, and subsequently the 2014 film adaption where you kinda see Ben Affleck’s dick for a second—fanfiction. It would be a fine song, a good song, really, even if it weren’t that, if it were just something normal and not unhinged written by a chill person who behaves in a regular way, but we need to acknowledge the facts for what they are. When Taylor Swift watched Rosamund Pike toss her freshly self-bobbed hair out of her face and hiss, “You think you’d be happy with some nice Midwestern girl? No way, baby. I’m it!” her brain lit up like a Christmas tree, and she’s never been the same. If you Google “taylor swift gone girl” there waiting for you will be a medium sized lake’s worth of articles speculating about how Gone Girl influenced and is referenced in past Swift singles “Blank Space” and “Look What You Made Me Do”. This is not new behavior, and if anything it’s getting a bit troubling to think that it’s been this long since Taylor’s read another book. Still, while the prior offerings were a fair attempt at this particular feat of depravity, “mirrorball” has brought Taylor’s Amy Elliott Dunne deification to stunning new heights. And most importantly, Taylor has done a service to every person alive with more than six brain cells and a Internet connection by putting an end to the “Cool Girl” discourse once and for all. By the power invested in “mirrorball”, it is hereby decreed that the Cool Girl speech from Gone Girl is neither feminist or antifeminist, not ironic nor aspirational. No. It’s something much better than all that. It’s a threat. I ! Can ! Change ! Everything ! About ! Me ! To ! Fit ! In !

Gone Girl (2012) by Gillian Flynn

“mirrorball” (2020) by Taylor Swift

When the twinkly musical stylings of Jack Antonoff, a man I distinctly distrust, but for no one specific reason, whirl to life at the beginning of this song I feel instantly entranced, blurry-brained and pleasure-pickled like an infant beneath a light-up crib mobile or, I guess, myself in the old times, the outside times, three tequila sodas deep under the disco lights at The Short Stop. Under a mirrorball in my head. I know very little about music, as a craft, and I really don’t care to know more. I’m happy in a world of pure, dumb sensation. I’m not even sure what kind of instruments are making these jangly little sounds. I just like it. I am vibing. We may not ever be able to behave badly in a club again, but I can sway to my stupid Taylor Swift-and-the-brother-of-the-lady-who-makes-like-those-sweatshirts-with-little-sayings-or-like-vulvas-which-famous-white-women-wear-on-instagram-you-know-what-I-mean song, pressing up onto my tiptoes on the linoleum tile of our kitchen floor and can feel for a second or two something approaching bliss. “mirrorball” is a lush sound bath that I like a lot and then also it’s about being all things to all people, chameleoning at a second’s notice, doing Oscar worthy work on every Zoom call, performing the you who is good, performing the you who is funny, performing the you who draws a liter of your own blood and throws it around the kitchen then cleans it up badly all to get your husband sent to jail for sleeping with a college student... Too much talk about making and unmaking of the self is way too, like, 2012 Tumblr for me now, and I start hearing the word “praxis” ring threateningly in my head, but I’m not yet so evolved that I don’t feel a pull. Musings on the disorganized self—on how we are new all the time, and not just because of all the fresh skin coming up under the dead, personhood in the end so frighteningly flexible—are always going to compel me, I’m afraid, but that goes double for musings on the disorganized self which posit that Taylor Swift still thinks Amy Dunne made some points.

Because on “mirrorball” Taylor is for once not hamfistedly addressing some “hater”, in the quiet and the lack of embarrassing martyrdom it actually offers an interesting answer to the complaint that Taylor is insufficiently self-aware. This criticism emerges often in tandem with claiming to have discovered some crack in the chassis of Swift’s public self, revealing the sweetness to be insincere. My instinct is to dismiss this more or less out of hand as just a mutation of the school of thought that presumes all work by women must be autobiography. And, regardless, it is made altogether laughable by the fact that anyone actually paying attention has known since at least Speak Now, a delightful record populated by the most appalling, horrible characters imaginable, and all of them written by a twenty year old Taylor Swift, that this woman is a pure weirdo. To accuse Taylor Swift of lacking in self-awareness is a reductive misunderstanding, I think, of artifice. Being a fake bitch takes work. Which is to say, if we agree that her public self is a calculated performance—eliding the fact that all public selves are a performance to avoid getting too in the weeds yadda yadda— why, then, should it be presumed that performance is rooted in ignorance? Would it not make more sense that, in fact, someone able to contort themselves so ably into various shapes for public consumption would have a certain understanding of the basic materials they’re working with and concealing? Taylor Swift, in a decade and a half of fame, has presented herself from inside a number of distinct packages. The gangly teenager draped in long curls like climbing wisteria who wrote lyrics down her arms in glitter paint gave way to red lipstick, a Diet Coke campaign, and bad dancing at awards shows. There was the period where she was surrounded constantly by a gaggle of models, then suddenly wasn’t anymore, and that rough interlude with the bleached hair. The whole Polaroid thing. Last year she boldly revealed she’s a democrat. Now it’s the end of the world and she’s got frizzy bangs and flannels and muted little piano songs. Perhaps this endless shape-shifting contradicts or undermines, for some, the pose of tender authenticity which has remained static through each phase, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t been doing it all on purpose the entire time. I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try...

In the Disney+ documentary—which, in order to watch, I had to grudgingly give the vile mouse seven dollars, because the login information that I’d begged off of my little sister didn’t work and I was too embarrassed to bring it up a second time—Taylor referred to “mirrorball” as the first time on the album where she explicitly addressed the pandemic, referring to the lyrics that start, “And they called off the circus, Burned the disco down,” and end with “I’m still on that tightrope, I’m still trying everything to get you laughing at me,” which actually did made me laugh, feeling sort of warmly foolish and a little fond, because it never would have occurred to me that she was trying to be literal there. I suppose we really do all contain multitudes. Hate that.

[roguish-gallery]

Did you ever make that joker tier list, I always like seeing what people think of all the different ones. Though if they put Romero last I can no longer respect them.

LMAO I DID! I think I’ve made it kind of obvious in this blog but I... don’t... particularly... care... for... the joker.... unless he’s, y’know, fun to watch. Cause he’s a clown, and clowns are supposed to be entertaining. But since you politely brought it up, and and because I have a deep respect for mutual Romero-lovers, I guess this would be a good time to explain my rankings and just discuss my general thoughts on each clown:

General Thoughts:

For the most part, I don’t really care for the Joker. This is hardly an uncommon opinion here on tumblr, but I definitely fall on the side of the fandom that feels that he gets too much attention from DC. I get WHY they use him so often for films and comics, and I don’t have anything against *most* folks who consider them their favorite Batman villain, but at this point he’s used more for shock value and as a crutch instead of anything interesting. Like, instead of giving attention to the other Rogues, writers (at least for the comics) will try and make up some bullshit story that they can shoehorn the Joker into, ‘cause it sells. It’s tiring, and I feel like the character has lost his meaning; I can only read so many stories about the Joker, I don’t fucking know, wearing a suit made from dead babies and Jason Todd’s flayed corpse before I get sick of it.

I’m at the point where I’ll like any Joker who’s just fun to watch. I genuinely respect those who prefer darker interpretations of the character, but that isn’t me; I vastly prefer the lighthearted takes on him, because... at this point... writers who use the “cleaner” version of him tend to be more creative, since they actually have to write a Joker story that doesn’t rely on gore/torture porn.

TIER ONE:

Joker Baby: Self explanatory. Joker Baby is thematic, thoughtful, and intense. Everytime I watch this video, I shiver with fear and pleasure; something primal in me awakens whenever Joker Baby runs his fingers through his spray-on dyed hair, and ends up smearing green paint on his forehead- it represents the inner turmoil, the chaos, that resides within the disturbed body that is Joker Baby. Nothing can ever hope to top the artistic and cultural impact Joker Baby has had on society.

TIER TWO:

Batman Ninja: I genuinely believe that Batman Ninja is one of the most fun, organic, and creative things to come out from the Batman side of DC comics in like... hmmm... a decade, maybe (I could talk for hours about how much I love this movie but that’s something for a future post). This Joker is easily, and unironically my favorite interpretation of the character, period. I love his energy, his design, everything. This is the most fun I’ve ever had watching a Joker on-screen, and for that I’ve gotta give the film credit where it is due.

Batman ‘66: I looooove Caesar Romero. Batman ‘66 in general is one of my favorite pieces of Batman media, and I absolutely adore this Joker. The show is pure, genuine fun, and it’s nice to turn my brain off and watch a show where the entire cast was allowed to goof around. This Joker is just a cute, goofy little clown-man who likes to commit crimes, go surfing, turn Gotham’s water reserve into gelatin, and have wild orgies with Penguin, Catwoman, and the Riddler. I massively appreciate the hustle. I love his little mustache and his facial expressions. I’d give him a chaste little kiss on the cheek if I could.

The Batman: EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL TAKE BUT. I think TB!Joker is better than what people will give him credit for. I can only imagine how stressful it must have been to be the first Batman cartoon to follow BTAS and the writers for this show knew they were gonna be fucked no matter what they did with the Joker, so they just decided to try something completely different with him. Personally, I appreciate the new direction- he has a fun, unhinged energy. I’ve placed him higher than BTAS/BTNA!Joker simply because The Batman was the show that got me into the Rogues in the first place, and I’m just a bit closer to this Joker because of it. Also his vampire form was cool as FUCK in Batman Vs. Dracula and the scene where he gets drenched in blood at a blood bank is fucking awesome.

Batman the Animated Series/The New Adventures: Everyone loves BTAS’s Joker, and I’m no exception. Mark Hamill is fucking great, and the writers clearly knew the character well enough to create a version of him that can be fun and threatening. As an aside, I unironically like his redesign in BTNA- I remember Hamill mentioning somewhere that he thought it was neat that this Joker looked more like a shark (I’ll see if I can find a source on that... I think he said it in an interview with Kevin Smith?) and I kinda agree with him. the redesigns in the final season are hit or miss, but I didn’t get why so many people bitched about the Joker’s new look.

Batman Unlimited: Hear me out... Hear me out... Clown... funny... and cute... He wears a little crown and gives Solomon Grundy a little smooch on the cheek and it is as delightful as it sounds. Yes the Batman Unlimited films literally only exist to sell toys but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy them on some ironic level.

TIER THREE:

Lego Batman: He’s a gay icon. He has the range. Enough said.

White Knight: This is just a genuinely good, original take on the character, and the art in White Knight is absolutely gorgeous. 

Arkham: My friends and I joke that this Joker is basically a more unhinged version of BTAS! Joker and... yeah. I’m glad Hamill and Paul Dini got to fuck around with the character more, but I never really dwelled on the Joker parts of the games like I might have for other characters. I definitely liked him the most in Arkham Asylum, as he was more fun to watch. Arkham City was fiiiiine, but I think I replayed the game so much that I kinda got fatigued with everything about it. Genuinely hated his part in Origins, and I was pissed that he stole the attention from Black Mask and Bane (who’s the best fucking part of Origins IMO). I’ll admit that I... Haven’t... played... Knight yet (I have it on PC but my laptop is too wimpy to run it) but like... He’s dead at that point, so I’d assume he isn’t the main point of that game anyway. I love Mark Hamill and the fact I can personally beat the shit out of this Joker, so he’s ranked up pretty high for those reasons.

TIER FOUR:

Batman ‘89: TBH this Joker should be a rank higher, but I’m too lazy to hop onto PicsArt to change it. NIcholson was an excellent choice, and I apprecaite how this Joker makes use of the playful and unhinged aspects of the character. Also, his outfits are cute, and I love the museum scene.

Brave and the Bold: Technically this Joker SHOULD be ranked higher since he’s literally based on the more lighthearted comics in the 60′s but... ehhh... I haven’t really watched BATB so I don’t have any strong opinions on the show and how it handles the character. he’s ranked this high through beause I appreciate what they were going for.

Golden Age: The quality of comics are always subjective, based on the creative team behind them. Some I’ll like more, others less so, It’s kind of hard to rank the pre-52 comic version of the Joker because of this.

TIER FIVE:

Killing Joke: Read it, didn’t care for it. I acknowledge how massive the impact this comic had on... everything, but just because I recognize how important this graphic novel is, doesn’t mean I have to like it.

The Dark Knight: Ledger did an excellent job with the role, but uhh... I’m kind of sick of the alt-right chuds who are out there sucking this Joker’s dick. The fanbase definitely ruined the character for me.

TIER SIX:

99′: Eh

Endgame: No

Suicide Squad: NO

Death of the Family: Hate him. Despise him. Lame stupid dumb little edgy bitch.

Gotham (Jeremiah): I don’t particulary care for Gotham in general, but the only reason I ranked this Joker over Jerome is beause I thought it was kinda funny to see that they made him a little rat-man, and I liked watching all the fujoshi on here cry and complain that they can’t ship this version of the joker with the pre-pubescent Bruce Wayne in the show bc he’s too ugly.

Gotham (Jerome): stop shippping this freak (who is fucking eighteen years old) with a literal twelve year old child. what the FUCK is wrong with yall.

UNRANKED:

The Joker (2019): I don’t plan on watching this film, nor will I ever. I know this is ironic, coming from someone who runs a Rogue blog, but stuff that focuses primarily on a character’s deteriorating mental health makes me reaaaaallllllyyyyy anxious (it’s kind of a phobia) and considering that I don’t particularly the Joker, I have no reason to watch something I know will only give my dumb ADHD-ass intrusive throughts.

[gild-and-fire]

Okay so I gotta ask - I can see you’re watching QotS and I’ve always been curious about it. Would you recommend??

I was so excited to receive your ask, Lauren! Thank you so much for sending it (and humoring me)--especially since I could talk about QOTS all day, but try to restrain myself bc I don’t want to be annoying lol. But unfortunately I have allowed myself to be unhinged and thus wrote a 700 word answer :) If you don’t feel like reading the whole thing lol I will refer you to @riosnecktattoo​’s ask which helped me to decide to watch QOTS. But here’s my spoiler-free, long post for why I love Queen of the South!

General

WOC as lead: I am obsessed with complex, badass, relatable women as leads, and i literally go FERAL when woc are leads. QOTS has two woc as leads and both are incredible actresses playing layered characters (Teresa and Camila).

For Camila, she leaves her husband and daughter to follow her ambitions and grow her business (not a spoiler). I think it’s very interesting how the show builds tension between Camila and her daughter due to this choice, and I enjoy that the show doesn’t answer but explores the “can women have it all” aspect and how she’s underestimated in the cartel business bc she's a woman and has to work harder to get where she is. 

For Teresa, I love her fortitude and moral compass, and like Beth, she’s definitely a badass. She is luckily a little bit more sensible/experienced than Beth when it comes to crime lol and actually has long standing success as the Queen of the South (duh, Audrey).

Worldbuilding: If the premise (mexican drug cartels) is interesting to you, then you’ll enjoy how they’ve built the gritty underworld of cartels and all the ruthless players from Texas to Columbia. Also, QOTS includes fantastic moments with magical realism which is such a neat genre overall and it really adds to the richness of the story. One of my favorite parts

Jeresa

It’s the parallels, it’s the trust, it’s the friendship and the way they sacrifice for the other person and save each other over and over again. 

Tropes: I especially love how James is framed as a “bad guy” (assassin in a cartel lol) and Teresa is the “good guy” (victim of cartel violence and thus against it,) but that over the course of the 3 seasons, they grow in different ways because of the other person. I think a lot about the fact that in their line of work it really does pay to be selfish/look out for yourself, and that both of them are very logical and realistic people. And yet! They both actively choose to protect and make sacrifices for the other person. makes me cry every time :,)

James is hot: James is fucking hot in that white henley and Lauren, I swear to god if this other gifset of James in his signature aviators doesn’t convince you, then I might throw this blog away

GG/BRIO

I want to contextualize this show by comparing it to good girls 

Consistency & Parallels: GG does this really well, but QOTS does it even better because there are plots and people from literally the first episode that come full circle and make a difference many episodes/seasons later. It’s clear that the writers really care about and have thought deeply about the development of their characters and plots. True for GG, but a little less so (looking @ you cancer lie and buddy the dog)

Violence: Okay you know how Rio just brings out the gun once in a while as foreplay? And like we have “seen” only one death in the entire series so far? In QOTS, it is impossible to watch a scene without two guns and a corpse lying around somewhere. If we’re lucky, maybe we won’t see a decapitated head being kicked around like a soccer ball more than once. I think if you can stomach the first two episodes, you’re fine.

OTP: brio’s UST is off the charts and im not sure i will EVER find a show that can match it, but jeresa is just so real. Ofc the cartel stuff can feel a little contrived sometimes, but their friendship and relationship is so healthy (given their circumstances), and it really is true love. For gg, I'm in the camp that they don’t actually love each other.  Side note: James is a main character with his own plots that intertwine with Teresa’s, which means we see him more than Rio’s 2min of him per episode. I know. It is truly a gift.

tl;dr QOTS is so good that I am incapable of acting like a normal human being and would like to scream about my love for this show. And if you decide not to watch this show, at least look at some gifsets of James. 

[migleefulmoments]

How they make up a whole story to criticize Mia with 10 seconds?? Again, I don't know why I'm surprised, they've doing it for 10 years. But their imagination is getting wild, they're unhinged. I don't know how they can't see they're full of bullshit and they're making lies of everything.

It feels to me that the behavior is getting worse- it’s more intense and the lies are getting more consistent and more outrageous. They have moved from being focused on Criss and Colfer to focusing on Mia but Mia doesn't have a social media presence they can access regularly so they end up having to fill in a lot of blanks and over time she gets bolder and bolder about what she is willing to fabricate. I also think she just living more within the fantasy then she used to be. Obviously, nothing is going her way as Chris and Darren have no relationship and reblogging gifs from 6+ years ago has lost its luster -though they still do it.   She admits she is in a constant state of anxiety, that she doesn’t sleep, and that she is very angry-at times she mentions she’s “shaking with rage”. We know she checks Tumbler and blogs in the middle of the night and she spends all her waking hours stalking and blogging. She has doubled down on her fantasy and that includes writing richly detailed backstories to simple photographs which she then she fully buys into and believes. Just read any of her posts where she provides her “evidence cc is real”, they come off as silly and insignificant but she’s dead serious. She brings up the same “facts” over and over; each one is trivial and proves nothing but also has been proven untrue. She has no concern over truth-whatever proves shes’ right is repeated over and over. 

This from Oct 22 is a good example

ajw720. Having watched a lot of the footage from Sunday, it is clear to me D was uncomfortable and on edge. It is possible it is because it is his first big movie and the company he is keeping. But he had no issues with standing next to P/enelope or R/icky and bantering with them and enjoying himself to the maximum. (What is “a lot” of footage? Total problem less than a minute of Darren’s day and he wasn’t uncomfortable and on edge because of Mia. He was promoting a movie that he was barely in, with a cast that he barely worked with if at all. I’m sure if he was nervous it was because he was unsure of his place and trying to be engaged but not an attention hog.) 

Add that photo with M. he did not even try, it is so clear his tolerance level has been well exceeded and I would add that she was not happy based on the clips of her lurking on the RC during the live-stream not looking happy. (Here she is reading way too much into a simple photo. It is NOT possible to know how someone is feeling from a photo and Abby has proven she can’t read emotions on faces) 

Plus we have him playing piano at the after party, which is a wonderful thing, but we know he does it as a coping mechanism and to avoid conversation. (WTAF? None of this is something “we know”.  It’s all projected and fabricated by Abby to fit her needs)

So I am asking his team and anyone else forcing this ridiculous situation.  What are you trying to achieve?  M looks like an idiot at this point, I would be mortified if I were her.  D treats her terribly and clearly is disgusted by her.  So what is it you are trying to prove?  You had to know at some point, as their relationship is unhealthy and utterly contentious, it would be near impossible to sell it.  And make no mistake, her 10 stans may not want to let go, but they know it is off.  And the wedding didn’t help, it hurt.  (Darren treats her terribly? What a horrible thing to say about the man you love. I never understand why she prefers to believe he’s an asshole rather than believe he’s straight. I love the tragedy of insisting we know she’s right-that’s always a standard for a narcissist Trump does that a lot as well). 

So can we be done now?  I know I have asked this repeatedly, but this makes absolutely no sense. D looks less and less straight every minute he is forced to spend with her. If that were the goal (and i don’t think it is), you would be so much better cutting your losses, separating them, and getting him a new beard he actually likes and that doesn’t repel him when they touch.  However I don’t think this has anything to do with him being straight. Straight is just how you control him. (He “looks less straight”? How does one “look straight” or “look gay”. Why would he need a new beard? According to Abby, he’s proud to be gay and ready and anxious to come out so there would be no need for beard.)  

When is enough enough?  How much longer will you torture him and steal from him?  How do you sleep at night?  I really wonder. (Oh such drama- she is fully behind the story she’s woven and the emotions are real). 

September 2

I don’t think I’ll surprise anyone by saying I’ve been struggling since the sham mockery. I never thought he’d go there and it hit me hard. It physically pains me that this was ever allowed to spin so out of control. That ring hurts my eyes. And I’ve often questioned the motive. The why. I want to believe in him. They’ve made it hard. And no question, that was their intent.

And here we are almost 7 months later. And I’m going on record. I’m proud of our boy. Everyday it’s becoming more and more clear. I don’t think there was a choice. Well at least one that was not dangerous to d or someone he loved. He swallowed his pride and he did the needful. And now I think we are watching him execute a plan conceived with C. He’s using the enablers. Bravo. He set certain people to look like her friend, when in reality I’m confident she (yes one person in particular) is completely team d working with him and c. He’s making strides to pay off his “debts.” Everything this year seems so odd except when looked at critically, it is clear it’s deliberate.

I wondered if c&d could withstand this. And now I’ve never been more sure. Not only are they together. I think stronger than ever.

So I’m gonna fight. I’m staying right where I am. I expect this to get really, really ugly yet. I’m sure there are more tears. More curses. More screams. But I will see him win.

Or one of her “lists” of nonsense “proof”

How do they believe after multiple encagement rings?  He said during season 6 of g/lee he had never committed to anything longer, not even a relationship. He has said on camera “I’m gay.”  They don’t know when or how they met.  B/en lived with them for FOUR years. There are so many videos of him running away from her (the bts is gold).  He talks about going to see F/rozen with more enthusiasm than he does about his marriage.  He sold his wedding to 100 sponsors.  

There is so much, I could go on and on and on and on and on. I do not understand how ANYONE could believe.  I truly do not.  And it has only gotten worse after the sham mockery. 

[leta-the-strange]

My troubled relationship with the FB community.

Okay, here goes. As ridiculous as it sounds (because in reality, it is ridiculous) I have taken a rather lengthy break from my writing – both here, on A03 and Fanfiction.net for my health. I have a few significant health problems and for as long as I can remember, writing is one of the few escapes I have – one of my true joys. Now, I’m by no means one of the ‘greats’ in any of the fandoms I’ve written in. I’m always in awe of the talent of some of the writers that I have been lucky enough to read and although I’m not at their level, I’ve been so excited to have the opportunity to have these platforms to share the stories I’ve poured my heart into and so mindblown and grateful to have people not only read them but take the time to leave feedback or thanks.

My love for Leta Lestrange began way back in the very first film when we knew very little about her. But I was starry-eyed from the get-go. A woman of colour main character? She quickly turned into my new inspiration and I was lucky enough to be one of the first Leta Lestrange-centred writers and blogs and meet some other great creatives and like-minded fans in the then tiny Leta loving community. I started developing my first multi-chapter story and (as daunting as it was considering the incredible talent in the stories I had read) started uploading the first chapters to share. A few people started reading my stories and left encouragement, advice and comments that absolutely made my day and I would feel so driven and inspired to keeping going and looked forward to spending my evenings putting together new chapters. My heart would skip each time I got an email saying that someone had left a comment, a review, kudos or notes.  

I was quite naïve in not knowing much about ‘ship’ and ‘fandom wars’ and when I found out that was a…thing, I did my best to stick to safe, neutral content, staying out of the confrontational tags, not engaging in the fandom too much – only to share things I created or liked (what all this is supposed to be about). Unfortunately, no matter how well I did that foreign, poisonous part of the fandom I was naïve enough to believe I could easily avoid by minding my business found its way into my life and quickly consumed something I loved.

PLEASE understand that this post isn’t about the characters. This is about real people. As a young girl of colour, yes there have absolutely been moments where I feel sick at some of the racist undertones in a large majority of the fandom’s depiction of Leta – I am happy to put my feelings on this in a more eloquent fashion in a separate post but again, the purpose of my first post back is about real people.

There are people in this fandom, quite a lot of people actually who all belong to one particular community, who not only are lucky enough to have the free time to create and share the things they love on the internet but also apparently have enough spare time to actively go seeking out posts, stories, works, etc that are centred on fictional characters and relationships that they don’t like (to put it lightly) for the sole purpose of abusing, bullying and degrading the creators to the delight of their followers that have little more than mic-drop gifs, ‘oh snap’s, and ‘#preach’ to contribute. 

This behaviour is disgusting, appalling, unacceptable and harmful.

And of course, not ALL people from this particular, I don’t know the word…’shipping group’ do this (so many are kind, talented and supportive) but enough have that I feel like even if I eventually came to like this pairing, I would never, ever feel safe engaging in that community myself.

I have characters I like, characters I love, ones that I am impartial to and ones I don’t like much. That’s the great thing about fictional characters. However, I have never felt the urge (or had the time or energy) to obsessively track the tags of ships and characters that I don’t like to leave hateful comments designed to make the creators feel unsafe and unwanted in a community in which they are just as entitled to be involved in than anyone else.

This obsessive, abusive behaviour destroyed my love for writing. One of the few things that drew me out of depression when I was unable to physically do much else activity-wise gave me intense anxiety and as much as I still received beautiful comments, I panicked when I received notification that someone had messaged me. 

My story has been called disgusting, dumb, awful, gross etc. I have been called deluded (apparently for not following a canon ship), a crazy dumb bitch, illiterate – just off the top of my head. I found a thread last year that encouraged people to upload new Fantastic Beasts content to A03 asap to get my story off the first page when I would upload a new chapter.  I was torn to shreds on both fanfiction websites after the second film came out and told that I hadn’t seen the movies (I had started my story well before the second film so I had to fill in the gaps which were quite a few). It seemed so pathetic and laughable at the start, I would just make sure I could monitor my reviews and would delete or not answer the abuse I received. 

Eventually though, it become too overwhelming and I found it too difficult to continue – my inspiration was gone and I was emotionally drained. A few times I actually became pale, shaky and vomited from the relentlessness of it. I tried to claw back the thrill and love writing gave me by practicing getting back on the saddle by doing prompts on Tumblr while I was in hospital battling one of my illnesses. I thought it might be nice to take requests from people – a gentle re-entry into my beloved hobby and reconnecting with other fans. I did a piece on Theseus and Leta that I had overwhelming support for. I actually cried when more than a couple people left beautiful messages in regard to my Theseus dying/Leta surviving prompt. A few people left me Newt/Leta related prompts. I got around to completing a first kiss request that earned me an anon informing me that my writing was trash, made them gag in their mouth and I should seriously reconsider inflicting my unwanted pieces on a fandom that doesn’t want them and to keep my shit out of the tag. 

I have seen blogs disappear from it and stories, posts and artwork removed. I was scrolling through Instagram and someone (quite notorious for this behaviour across all platforms) simply comment ‘ew #newtinaforever’ on a beautiful Leta fanvid that would have taken such a long time to put together. Surprisingly, the comments I got that were simply ‘ew’, ‘gross’, etc were more hurtful than the torrents of abuse sometimes. 

Just a few days ago, someone posted something absolutely non-confrontational and innocent about them personally liking Newt/Leta because they found it cute which of course opened the floodgates for abuse and I read a comment relating to people who don’t personally ship the ‘canon’ ship (this sounds so ridiculous now that I’m typing it) as deluded and needed to check into a mental ward. This is quite personal but I am someone who has an illness that is accompanied by psychotic symptoms and I have spent periods of time in a psychiatric hospital (and will likely need to during my lifetime) for my own wellbeing. I felt physically nauseous by this. I feel anxious now disclosing this as I know this will give more ammunition to the people who have not yet been blocked by me and enjoy taunting me but I want people to understand the weight of their childish, uneducated, ignorant outbursts.  

Because of my experience, PLEASE understand that when I say ‘unhinged’ I am not meaning it as a slur, it is coming from a place of serious concern. I think there are people in this fandom that are becoming quite dangerously confused between reality and fantasy. These characters ARE NOT REAL. If I can get through years of one my favourite characters being constantly hated on, written by fans as an abuser, rapist, you name it while far more ‘bad/problematic’ (white) females are adored and shipped with various characters quite harmoniously, and not resort to commenting, abusing or harassing people than you can get through your fave not being someone else’s fave. If your favourite pairing is canon, why are you so insecure about people liking other pairings? In Harry Potter, the most popular fan-favourite ships are non-canon and don’t cause any harm.

If someone writes on THEIR OWN BLOG that they personally don’t follow a certain ship, or they find a character bland or boring, or don’t agree with a casting, or don’t see chemistry between certain actors or like a pairing that differs from your own, JUST KEEP SCROLLING (and certainly don’t go on a witch-hunt by tracking down posts, blogs and stories you know you won’t like).

These are not real people. There is absolutely 0 reasons to be offended by someone saying that they find a certain character or pairing bland (which I haven’t done before). Of course you can disagree but if you are enraged, or offended, or feel inclined to personally attack or threaten A REAL PERSON over their preferences in something make-believe, than please, I implore you for your own mental wellbeing, to seriously assess if this level of emotional attachment to made-up characters is healthy.

I am planning on getting back into my story in time. I would love to get through the prompts and (nice) messages in my inbox now that I’m feeling a little more secure mentally and physically. I do thank all the beautiful people who have taken the time to request things, leave notes and such – I’m only back for them and feel confident that I can work through the toxicity and superiority complexes in this fandom with their support. I will do my best from now on to call out and check people when I see them mistreating others and to have more respect for myself and my work and not tolerate this any longer. I may respond and share some of the less pleasant messages I’ve received if I believe my responses can be helpful to others but there are some that require no response or audience.

I feel very content in the knowledge that I can see a story, visual, video, etc, involving a fandom, character or pairing that I don’t necessarily like and still appreciate the time and effort the person put in and find enjoyment in it too. If you still feel incapable of controlling yourself around people who are not a carbon copy of yourself, please just save yourself the distress by just blocking me instead of wasting valuable time and energy finding new ways to abuse me. I am not a harmful person, I am not an abusive person. I encourage you in your journey to hopefully become the same and if you need to remove yourself from temptation than I applaud that decision no matter how much I cannot personally relate. 

To anyone who has read my stories or sent me prompts, thank your for your patience and encouragement. I look forward to being able to get back into a community I have found such joy in.

[horce-divorce]

I'm just so glad I got back into tumblr. All the nerds are here. I firmly believe that reasons everyone hates it so much, including the people who still use it, has less to do with the overall experience and more with a few bad ones... And like in IRL when we fuck something up once or twice we get real self deprecating about it, ie it went from being like home to being "this hell site" in the span of time it took Dashcon to occur.

(Sarah Z's YT vid goes over this really well, and tbf i take issue to her claim that her channel "isn't a tumblr history channel" bc I think we could learn some valuable stuff from actually discussing What The Fuck Happened Here. IE I will fight everyone making her feel bad for making tumblr history channels a thing because don't fucking lie, you'd watch the hell out of that, ESPECIALLY those of you who came from Reddit to make fun of us and stayed. I know you're fucking there!!)

Anyway, all unrestrained enthusiasm is for tumblr. That's what it was always for. Infodumping in long formats, fandoms we couldn't express love for IRL or risk being slam dunked into the fucking trash by our bullies, every type of media, the way posts become collaborative and take on entirely new contexts and meanings when others add to them... (even if it's just a joke post, the memes we got from these collabs were another fucking level of humor you had to be there for)

All this meant it became the gay autistic social media site and THAT'S why everyone picks on us.

Did tumblr also initiate a lot of utterly unhinged, ridiculous scenarios? YES. Is there and has there always been lots of loud infighting? YES!! Were half the functions broken from day 1? You know it!!!! And none of that is exclusive to tumblr- what's exclusive to tumblr is the specific brand of off the wall, obscure but deeply connected information that all comes together in the most unhinged POSSIBLE way, and the only reason it IS possible is because of tumblr's culture of Being Yourself Unrestrainedly!!!

Would the Supernatural finale have been funny AT ALL TO YOU if you had actually watched it? It doesn't seem like it was. 10years of queerbaiting, in reality, is devastating. But I've never seen Supernatural, I've merely spent the last 10 years filling in plotholes with nothing but context cues from tumblr (which is a lot funnier than the real plot fwiw), and when Destiel Day happened I was blessed enough to be here *chef's kiss.* But for real, Destiel wouldnt have been funny AT ALL if you hadnt been subjected day in and day out to useless Supernatural posts you didn't ask for in the first place. It was funny because we went along on that ride for the sake of our tumblr friends who dragged us, and we never could have known how we'd be rewarded for our reluctant participation.

Not that I/we generally are MAD about seeing that stuff. We joke about it and "fuck you for making me look at this," but at the end of the day, we reblogged that "fuck you." We understand that the content that comes up on our dash is not picked for us solely by an algorithm, but by the real people we chose to follow, who have their own very complex internal lives and who chose that content for themselves.

for most of us, our main blogs have become this very interesting collage of Ourselves Through Time. So our friends and mutuals posts are OF COURSE going to be bizarre and at times, unrelated to anything we thought we were looking at. THAT IS WHY TUMBLR DRAMA IS SO GOOD. because with other sites drama you only get some of the picture, but us??? We are fucking autistic and WE KNOW EVERY SINGLE DETAIL THAT LED TO THAT EVENT AND WE WILL FUCKING TELL YOU. Could the Onceler and Oncest fandom have happened anywhere else, anywhere on Earth at any other time in human history???? NO. no it could not.

Anyway. My point is not that tumblr is perfect or anything remotely to that effect, I've met and lived with my fair share of awful queer autistic people from tumblr. What I AM saying is That's Just Social Media. You can't fucking be yourself on Twitter or Reddit or Facebook, you have to have side accounts and fake names and I'm not even talking about hiding your fetishes or whatever, I'm talking about saying "I'm depressed!" I'm talking about how lgbtqia2s infighting has gotten SO VICIOUS on twitter you can't even fucking call yourself queer or a dyke or be a lesbian with he/him pronouns in your bio without some kids screaming at you to delete yourself from queer history or They Won't Sit With You. That absolutely also has always happened on tumblr, it just isn't even remotely exclusive to tumblr culture, not like how people will ACT as if it is.

the real reasons tumblr users always get flack for being here is BECAUSE we are unapologetically ourselves. because we get excited. because we infodump (tumblr brand Callout Posts are often infodumps which is what makes them notable), we unapologetically want every single detail that can't even begin to be included in places like Twitter and Facebook, where posts are character limited and ephemeral and impossible to find later, where 1,000 people are all chiming in at once to say "I heard such-and-such from someone else's oomf" and it's like ??? y'all lmfao none of that is better or superior to tumblr in any way whatsoever. You know the old adage "don't read the comments"? Twitter took that and said "here, have ONLY THE COMMENTS." And yet, there we are.

I'm sure a lot of people have already pointed this out better than I just did in the time that I was absent (or fuck, even in the early days, I feel like we all just... know this?), but coming back to tumblr after a year+ of Just Twitter And Reddit- and now the stuff Sarah Z gets into as well- makes this so painfully obvious. And I think it's really sad that we just immediately accepted all the criticism and mockery and were like, "yep, tumblr is uniquely bad and awful," when in reality, it's no worse than the others. In fact, tumblr has been uniquely good and informative, especially among folks who quite literally were able to become who they are only because of the affirmations of this community.

I have learned so much about myself as a trans person, about what resources are available to me, about how to defend myself, how to stand up for myself, how to TALK about myself; if it wasnt for tumblr, transmeds would have kept me in the closet, maybe indefinitely. I've learned so much more about my disabilities and other conditions from disabled people on tumblr than I have EVER learned from a doctor. And maybe more importantly, I've made more friends on here than anywhere else online except Neopets. And we laugh. We laugh SO MUCH. For every big, serious, informative post, there's 10x as many shitposts than any other website and its glorious. No other website gives me The Serotonin like my blog does, I mean, thank god at least the tag system works?? I have 10 years of laugh tag to go through now. Incredible. Twitter and FB could never.

Anyway, when you look at the stuff that made tumblr So Loud and Obnoxious, the stuff that made Tumblr into Tumblr, the stuff that was actually drawing ire from altright trolls... at the end of the day, it was because a bunch of women and queer autistics were so happy we just finally found our table, and that we could be mentally ill or whatever in good fucking company. And just like in real life, bullies taking a stab at us for that made us get defensive, and we started talking "hellsite" this and that so we could be the first to insult us, so that when everyone else did, it wouldn't hurt so bad.

tldr fuck you tumblr is fine I'm very happy to be here

[turqrambles]

I watched all 26 episodes of an obscure Australian cartoon in one week and I’m not okay - My journey with Wicked! (2001) PART 2 - The Actual Review

Hello again! I just checked my watch and I noticed that it was time to talk about the cartoon with the apple-headed guy some more!

When I last talked about this delightful piece of obscure media, I went over the origin story of how the show was created, introduced the cast of characters, and then talked about the main draw of the cartoon that makes it unique of other cartoons of its quality.

And then, at the end of the blog post, I mentioned that I think that the cartoon is merely “Okay” rather than anything Amazing. It has a great idea but ultimately, it really is just an alright show.

So now, after introducing this beautiful cartoon and explaining to everyone just what the hell is going on, it’s time to break this whole thing down.

The Good, The Bad, and The Apple-Flavored

Wicked! is a weird show to grade. The animation itself fluctuates in quality and there’s some very obvious cut corners from how frequently animation is recycled in some of the episodes, scenes can have weird editing or continuity errors, and sometimes they’ll even recycle sound bytes like insults that Dawn and Rory shout at each other or Gramps reminding everyone about Normandy. I feel like I heard The Appleman mention that something was “100% real nightmare” like five times while watching this whole thing in quick succession.

Information for this cartoon is practically nonexistent, but my theory is that this happened because the animation was all produced in a single in-house Australian studio rather than shipping bits of it overseas to get tightened up. Again, I could be wrong, and if anyone has any better information, please send me an ask, but a lot of the techniques that Wicked! use reminded me of Filmation, which also famously kept everything in one studio.

Just be warned, similar to when someone watches He-Man and go “oh hey, I recognize that talking animation from the second episode”, there are shots that get reused often to save time. Get used to that one scene where Appleman is laughing and running across the steel walkway suspending over the refinery vats, it’s used a ton.

That being said, when they give them the budget to add a little polish to the show, they do a pretty good job!

Don’t be fooled by my talk of He-Man - this show actually looks pretty great. Most of the time the animation is pretty fluid and the decision to constantly use shadows to wrap around the characters really works in its favor and gives it an extra layer of moodiness.

It just reuses animation on top of that.

I think that, in many ways, Wicked! is carried more by the strength of its ideas over its actual execution. Even if this show gets super goofy at times (this is a show where the Appleman literally infects the Internet by taking a piper and dropping glowing green goo on a CD-ROM), there is a definite horror undertone to the show that gets carried through its entire season.

Dare I say it, the show actually gets a little scary at times. That scene where the kids discover that their pets are nothing but empty skins with all the organs and bones sucked out in the first episode actually sets the mood really well and feels extremely faithful to the original books.

Plus the concept of The Appleman being able to tinker around with a living virus and create something that can mutate literally anything is a fun as hell idea, even if it doesn’t make sense most of the time and seems like a weird mutation (hah) of the conflict from the books. It’s just fun that this guy can create literally anything out of thin air as a weapon just so long as he goes to his lab and makes something that allows him to do so.

The Pros

*The Appleman. Yeah, there’s a very good reason why the only thing people remember about this show is The Appleman. He’s just a fun character and a fun villain. His design does takes a bit to get used to on account of how uncanny he can be, and there are times when they draw him off-model and make him look just horrendous, but once you see how far they go with the apple-theming, you kinda start to vibe with the apple headed monster.

Sure, he’s basically your run-of-the-mill cartoon villain but with a bonus tragic backstory, but his vocal performance by Bill Conn really sells the whole package. You can tell that he’s greatly unhinged and that he’s not exactly playing with a full deck. It’s only until the last episode that they flat-out say that he’s being controlled by the same virus that he’s been using to infect other creatures, but I’m pretty sure your average cartoon-watching kid is able to guess that just from the small hints that they drop.

Also all of his vehicles are apple-colored and I love a villain that takes the time to make sure he has a proper theme.

(The “starting out with an island with apple trees on Animal Crossing: New Horizons” moodboard)

*The Family. I liked that, since this show is about terrorizing one particular dysfunctional Australian family, all five family members of this show get enough character development that the mom and dad feel like they’re more than “the mom and dad character”. Save for that one episode where Gramps was constantly bragging about how back in his day, he didn’t need electricity, he was a fun, lovable grandpa, and I like that the kids get someone to talk to about mutant frogs and such.

They’re definitely dysfunctional and, as I mentioned in the previous post, Rory and Dawn constantly insulting each other in every single episode can be grating at times, but I like that their level of dysfunction is not because of the mom and the dad having an emotionally abusive relationship. If anything, the mom and the dad have the most stable relationship in the whole show! Eileen and Jack love each other and I hate that I’m at a point where I see this husband and wife genuinely enjoying each other’s company and I go “Yes, this is something refreshing”.

Also, gotta give the show points for having the family be two single parents from past relationships finding each other and getting married and for having Eileen be totally cool with her new in-law Gramps. 

*The Slobberers. Expanded from the first creatures from the books, I like that the apple-headed monster has giant worms for pets (again, gotta aggressively keep to the apple theming) and, while there’s a couple episodes where they’re just something to give The Appleman something to talk to, their designs are fun. Gives the animators an excuse to draw slime.

In a later episode, he mentions that he considers them his only friends and boy...that’s rough, buddy. 

*There’s an episode where characters travel into the Internet and fight a buff video game avatar of The Appleman in a late 90′s dungeon crawler computer game. I looooove late 90′s Internet imagery in cartoons, what can I say. You even see the dial-up pop window and a clunky late 90′s webcam!

*This is a show where a divorced man keeps bugging his own son and ex-wife while sometimes trying to kill his ex-wife’s new husband - all while keeping to a strict apple and virus theme - and honestly, this is a pro on its own. The Appleman is such a petty bitch at times and I love it.

*The Appleman is allergic to medicine. Minor touch, but I like that, since he’s a virus-themed bad guy, they apply “Revive Kills Zombie” logic on this guy and he literally can’t take painkillers because it’ll only cause him more pain and agony. This comes up in an episode where he’s screaming in pain and wishes he could make the pain go away but just can’t.

*The Title Cards. This is one of those shows that freezes on eye-catching artwork for each episode title before they continue with the rest of the episode and they’re really nice.

*The Accents. Forgot to mention this anywhere else, but since this is an Australian produced cartoon that aired primarily in Australia, everyone is rocking a very noticeable Australian accent and say things like “Oi, you two! Come and get a wriggle on!”. It’s fantastic.

They were definitely at the level where, if this show ever did make it to the states, they would’ve dubbed it to sound more American. And probably flip the animation so that the characters are driving on the opposite side of the road.  

The Cons

*The Reused animation and sound clips. This is unfortunately the show’s biggest strike against it. Once your brain picks out which scenes get reused and which voice clips get reused, you’ll notice that some of the episodes have a noticeably smaller polish than others. The episode “Decayed” in particular felt like 50% footage from previous episodes and boy, did it stick out like a sour thumb because of it.

That being said, I didn’t mind too much (watching a lot of B-list anime and Filmation shows will do that to you) and I feel like you would’ve noticed this a lot less if you weren’t blazing through all 26 episodes in a short period of time like I was. But it is definitely a bummer that they had to cut corners like this because again, when they don’t cut corners, this show looks utterly fantastic.

I guess the lesson here is that the animators of this show didn’t get paid enough, but really, you can say that about literally every animated project in existence.

*Weird continuity inconsistencies. This goes into a weird nitpicking “you probably only noticed this because you’re an adult with too much free time/boy I sure hope someone got fired for THAT blunder!” territory, but sometimes this cartoon does a thing where something minor is established and then the cartoon subtly retcons it.

Mostly I’m using this space to complain about how Dawn explicitly mentions that they don’t own a cat, but then in the “character shrinks to the size of an ant” episode, they have a pet cat! They have a pet cat that lasts a grand total of one episode and no one says anything!

What happened to the cat, Rory? What happened to the cat?!

(my theory is, like his father, it ran away from this family)

*Some episodes use stock cartoon plots. There is an episode where the main characters shrink to the size of an ant. There is a camping episode. There is a school dance episode. There is a Halloween episode. There is an episode focused on teeth. There is an episode that talks about the dangers of too much fast food.

Like the reused animation issue, depending on the episode, you end up not minding too much about this on account of how utterly bonkers The Appleman is when he’s concocting his evil schemes. The “characters teleport into the Internet” episode ended up being one of my favorites, as did the school dance episode.

But at the same time, two of my least favorite episodes are the stock episode plot episodes, so it’s definitely a mixed bag.

*They use real photographs in background shots and it bugs me. Come on, guys. Just have the blank wall or scribble in some posters. Anything will look better than this cartoon character standing right next to a still image from Alfred Hitchcock’s North by Northwest, especially when you clearly had the time to draw that cartoon skull on the door.

*The three plot-heavy episodes unfortunately have weaker animation. This just seems like weird planning on their parts, but Episode 1, Episode 4, and Episode 26 are all episodes that deal with backstory of The Appleman and this wacky dysfunctional family and, for some reason, they didn’t bring their A game in regards to actually animating these episodes.

I feel like if you’re dealing with heavy backstory, you need to make the episode look good, because that’s going to be the stuff that the audience remembers. You need to have the flashback of The Appleman’s horrific transformation while he was working at the old refinery look amazing, but instead it just....doesn’t.

(picture unfortunately related)

Just to make a note, the episodes with the most fluid animation are the following: The one with the mutant plants, the one with the mutant sheep, the Halloween episode, the episode with the dinosaur bones, and the episode where The Appleman learns how to make clones. None of these episodes are important to the overarching plot. 

*One of the episodes is unfortunately popular because it depicts animation that caters to the inflation fetish. Just...noting this for posterity. It makes google image searches of this cartoon a bit awkward. I’m not going to elaborate much further.

*There’s a minor transphobic joke in one of the episodes. In the episode “Decayed”, The Appleman dresses up like a nurse, tries to adopt a more feminine voice, and puts on makeup and fake eyelashes. Thankfully, this only happens for like three seconds and is never mentioned again.

The rest of the show otherwise passes the “can this still fly in 2020″ test. I’m just making a note here because it is pretty shitty. 

Closing Thoughts

Wicked! is not the best show in the world, and I struggle to call it “great”, but it is a solid and enjoyable one and honestly, the things that it has going for it are unique enough that I recommend giving it a shot despite its shortcomings.

If anything, my main takeaway from watching this whole show is that this show does not deserve to be as obscure as it is. At the very least, the concepts and characters introduced here are strong ones - the villain is a bitter divorced man transformed by a hate-feeding virus after all - and I feel that, in a more fair world, this show got the small but dedicated fanbase it so woefully needs. It doesn’t deserve a huge following of fans, but I say it definitely deserves a Fanfiction.net tag with 200 fanfics total and a lot more fanart than what it does.

While I’m not sure I could recommend it as one of the great obscure cartoons that everyone missed, I think it’s definitely worth checking out for anyone looking for a fun time. It’s definitely a hidden gem, even if the hidden gem has a few imperfections. If anything, this show is a definite wild ride and I think it’s time for everyone to give this cartoon a shot.

Anyway I got to see The Appleman playing Second Life and moving the muscle slider all the way to the right, so I obviously had a blast.

Next time, I talk about the actual episodes!

[finalproblem]

Ye Olde TFP Reaction Poste

“A Gift to Friends and Hate-Readers Alike”

I promised I’d do this post this weekend, so I am. But fair warning that this is going to be much more about me than about the actual episode.

It will also be at least 2/3 longer than it should’ve been.

I think some people are assuming they know what my reaction to that episode was. That I’m really upset or hate the show now or something. But that’s not true. My primary feeling is exactly the one I said it was a week ago: I feel tired. I am tired.

To give a little bit of context, I decided pre-TFP sp0iler lockdown time was a good chance to update my About page. So I did.

I hadn’t looked at the page in a long time (hence the update), but here’s what it said at the top:

This is the blog I write about the BBC/PBS television drama Sherlock when I am half-asleep. (WHY IS THAT ALWAYS STILL TRUE EVERY TIME I UPDATE THIS PAGE?)

I realized that was still true. Yet again. Which is why it’s still on the page.

So to be perfectly, 100% clear, I was tired going into this thing.

And I knew it. Which is why I was really hopeful about the show finally wrapping some things up--or beginning to move toward wrapping things up--in episode 3 like the writers implied on multiple occasions.

I like it a lot here, and I don’t regret anything about having this as a hobby. But I do also have other skills and commitments and interests that I don’t discuss here since this is a single-topic blog. Plotlines maybe kinda sorta starting to get wrapped up felt like a great opportunity for some mental crop rotation, if you get what I mean.

That’s not to say I was going to pack it in and leave fandom. I wasn’t then, and I’m not now.

But, like... I’ve been here doing this on Tumblr for 5 years. I’ve had a few gaps, sure, but I’ve been more consistently posting about Sherlock and only Sherlock than just about anyone reading this during that time. (Don’t yell, I said almost anyone.) It’s healthy to change things up sometimes. Or to borrow a creepier turn of phrase... “If Tumblr fandom is a balance sheet--well, I believe I’m in credit!”

So I was ready to see the big “story we’ve been telling from the beginning. A story about to reach its climax” whatever-it-was and then take that opportunity to free up a little space in my brain attic.

And then I actually watched The Final Problem.

Did I hate the episode?

No.

But it takes a lot to get me to hate something fictional. (This is also covered on my About page.)

You know that saying, though? “The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.” It’s more like that.

TFP is a giant bowl of indifference stew for me.

And I say that while allowing--as I always, always have--that this story belongs to the writers and they get to do whatever they want with it. This is not the first, “well, that’s not how I would’ve done it” moment for me, either. If I ragequit every time that happened, I wouldn’t have even made it to The Great Game.

I also say that knowing full well many people LOVE the things I am indifferent to about this episode. And if you got just what you wanted here, I am genuinely happy for you! That’s great! That’s a rare thing in fandom life. Enjoy it. (Enjoy it the way I enjoy canon Holmes retiring alone with bees, which I think is fantastic and makes all the sense even though I’m aware almost everyone else here thinks it’s a terrible tragedy.)

But with those disclaimers in place, here is an incomplete list of stuff I am very, very indifferent to:

A secret third Holmes sibling

A single childhood trauma being the primary driver for a complex adult’s personality

Redbeard being anything other than a sweet doggy

Angst in general

Kids getting murdered

Whatever was being expressed about mental illness

Mind control

Random characters dying a whole lot so that main characters can avoid any real damage

Jim Moriarty secretly being anyone else’s pawn the whole time

Big solves coming out of info that was mostly hidden from the audience

Having Sherlock and John in 221B forever with nothing ever changing (I was ready for them to blow something up this series if they needed to, or barely escape blowing it up if they wanted to, but I didn’t expect the result to be “blow it up but put everything back exactly how it was.” I mean, I can appreciate the possible canon reference there to the magically non-harmful fire in the original story, but this ended up a little on the nose with the voiceover and everything.)

Horror movie format

The horror movie thing is probably the closest to an actual “nope” there. It may sound weird since I’m obviously cool with watching murder mysteries, but horror typically doesn’t sit well with me and that aspect alone will make it harder to rewatch the episode and therefore less fun. (Again, I only say this for me. Personally. There is nothing wrong with anyone else being into horror. You do you.)

I could maybe have talked myself into getting on board with the “oh, this is all about what Sherlock would’ve been like if he didn’t have a friend” analysis angle, but then I think about how Sherlock did have a friend and that friend was murdered and how Mycroft (allegedly) doesn’t have friends and is not murdering anyone (and in fact is less murdery than previously anticipated) and end up annoyed about how there’s no real control group and what a badly designed experiment this was. So that doesn’t really help.

It’s definitely not a shipping issue for me, because I don’t ship anything in this show and never have.

And it’s not really a characterization issue because I am a canon-reading Doylist and have long-since become used to not giving a crap about that. (The exception being if characterization is an intentional clue in a mystery, but we’ll come back to that eventually. Maybe.)

And it’s not really about my theories being wrong because--and I know, I KNOW this will sound like such an asshole thing to say, but there’s no way around saying it--technically they aren’t wrong yet. Sure, maybe specific theories I had about this episode that I came up with in the week before it were wrong, but not the ones I really care about that I’ve had for up to 5 years. I mean, you are totally free to interpret this episode as proving me completely wrong about everything. That’s fine. But, for example, saying “Jim recorded some video clips for Eurus” is not actually disproving my theory about what was going on with the “Miss me?” messages. They certainly seemed to want to lead viewers to assume that, but then why not just come out and say it if that’s the answer? Why be coy? (Especially when they’ve left contradicting clues in other episodes of this very series.)

This is where we get to the true heart of the matter. And the part where it becomes even more relevant that I’m tired.

Because they’ve done this to me before. Magically skipped through and managed to neither prove nor disprove any of the theories I’ve been waiting for resolution on. So on the one hand, I probably shouldn’t be surprised.

Which makes it all the more exhausting that the honest truth is...

Deep down...

I still think they’re going somewhere with this.

AND I GET IT, now a bunch of you are looking at me like I’m

Zoidberg: Amy, take off these rubber bands and I'll show you how normal I am! Amy: Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.

Which is probably fair enough, because that’s how I feel, too.

But the rarely-pure-and-never-simple truth is I think there’s more to all of this plotwise than it seemed like there was. The same pieces of the mystery I cared about are still open. It’s not so much that I hope that’s the case, because again--I was really and truly looking forward to the freedom that would come from being either definitively right or wrong.

The reason I nicknamed this episode The Patience Grenade is because that’s how it felt. Like they were trying to blow up my patience.

Wait for answers? Don’t get answers. But get just enough hints that you walk away believing there still might be answers coming. At some indefinite point in the future. If the show even continues. Which no one is promising it will.

Meanwhile, the entire episode will be themed around the idea that if someone has you trapped in a twisted game, the best option is to refuse to play.

Tick tick tick tick... BOOM.

(It also doesn’t help that I usually adopt the final featured pop song of each series as a theme song to put on loop while I write up theories and such, and this time the one they chose starts with the lyrics: “I want to break free / I want to break free / I want to break free from your lies / You're so self satisfied I don't need you / I've got to break free / God knows, God knows I want to break free.” SALT IN THE WOUND, MUCH?)

If this was back when I just watched the show and didn’t talk to anyone about it, it would be one thing. But now I do talk about it? Almost every day? And short of deciding to storm out of here, which again is not my plan or goal... How do I get through the next few weeks or months or years?

I’m not going to lie and say I loved the last episode.

But I’m also not going to lie and say I think all semblance of plot is irretrievably off the rails or that the writers are just bashing randomly on a keyboard to come up with this.

And the one specific theory I’m most interested in post-TFP is... um... Short of some kind of hail mary play from the writers in the near future that gets rid of the “oh no, there are no more loose ends” business and starts other fans thinking in the same direction as me, it’s one that I know is going to sound kind of unhinged in a way that’s beyond anything I’ve posted before just because of its nature.

Which leaves me in a really awkward place, fandom-wise.

Because now I get to be looked at as the person who is being negative about the show AND SIMULTANEOUSLY as the person who is naively believing the writers aren’t totally clueless or stringing us along with no goal in sight AS WELL AS the person who even a lot of the remaining theory-type-people are likely to think is chasing ghosts. So basically there is nothing I can do that won’t have some camp rolling their eyes at me. (Unless I want to only post Hudders gifs from now on. Which, believe me, is tempting. But there still aren’t quite enough of them to pull it off.)

I guess my answer is to follow the same advice I’d give to someone else--it’s my blog and my hobby. I should do what entertains me.

Which, for the record, will be pretty much the same thing as always. If you find anything that I do on this blog in the near future a radical departure, the fact is you probably haven’t looked back far enough in my blog archives to understand how I work.

1) I will acknowledge plot holes and inconsistencies and  poke some fun and indulge in some fandom crack posts.

This is not hating the show or attacking the writers. You can certainly decide it’s not the kind of thing you want to see on your dash and unfollow me. But from my side, it’s all in the spirit of believing the writers are actually building to something and trying to figure out what that something is. Plus, for the record, I poke fun at ACD canon even though I love it. As do Sherlock’s writers. It’s okay to be a fan of something in ways other than writing essays about how great every aspect of it is.

2) I will post theories, and just try not to worry too much if they sound kind of out there. (Which they will this time. They will.)

Theories are how I have fun with this show. And if you read or write fanfiction (like most of the fans on this site) but somehow feel it’s worthwhile to scoff at a theory I write up and point out that you think I’m wasting my time... Maybe stop first and think about why one interpretive/transformative fan activity that entertains me is a bigger waste of time than the interpretive/transformative fan activity you prefer. Because it doesn’t freaking matter, y’all. This is my designated hobby time, and writing up a fan theory--even one you think is super-duper-wrong--isn’t changing anything about how much I am or am not trying to do worthwhile things or save the world with the rest of my time. I simply have a marginally different hobby than you do.

And just to make one little adjustment because it was coming anyway...

3) I’m not going to rush.

If they can patience-grenade me and not guarantee anything will ever be resolved beyond this episode, I get to let myself take my sweet time getting my ideas out of my head this go-round. I have fun with this stuff, but I’ve got a lot of other stuff in my life that needs to be attended to soon. (And some of it’s actually more fun.)

Remember The Empty Hearse? That was a tiring time. Sherlock “explained” how he survived the fall, but a small handful of us were like... “No, that actually makes no sense?” We slowly made our case, and by a few weeks ago, it was probably more common than not for someone I bumped into in fandom space to be on board and believe that we still hadn’t seen the true fall solution. (Though I do expect those numbers to readjust again now that the writers are claiming everything’s all wrapped up, the end.)

To me, The Final Problem feels most like The Empty Hearse. Only I know it’s going to be waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy more of a tiring slog to change anybody else’s mind about what happened there. Or at least to get anyone on the same page as me since I’ll be living in my own little rapidly-shrinking theory bubble. Luckily, my primary goal is to entertain myself rather than convince others, but even figuring out where I stand now that the show has dumped in memory-inhibiting drugs and mind control at the last minute is going to be more of a slog than usual.

So slog it I will, but I’m not going to hurry. Or even promise to make sense for a good long time. If ever. I’m not going anywhere just yet, but I’m not signing up to make myself more tired either.

If you’re cool with all that, we carry on as always.

If not, then you know what to do.

xoxo