#i thought these would be nice as desktop backgrounds

[prettyboykatsuki]

I LIKE IT BETTER WHEN YOU CAN'T KEEP WARM | ODXNY

✮ tags ; heavy themes, gender neutral reader, mentions of past suicidal ideation, getting together, romantic tension, angst to fluff, extremely lovey-dovey ending, some implicit and suggestive content (lit one paragraph n non descript), themes of touch starvation, small height difference (reader is shorter)

✮ wc ; 6.3k (this is so shameful bye forever)

✮ a/n ; every time a semester ends i lose my mind and me writing this in several hours straight is evidence. if i had a nickel for every time i wrote a character study with the central theme of loneliness, i'd have two nickels - which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.

i will spare you the insane rambling for the authors note at the bottom of this fic.

✮ synopsis ; he wants something. to live maybe. and if he could be a little selfish, to be with you. he wants that, too.

Bright.

Could just be the dark room he keeps himself in talking. His computer system and encrypted Internet browsers are all in dark mode - and his desktop set-up doesn’t have any L.E.D. strip lights to keep him company. He prefers it that way, the ambiance a better environment to work in  when he’s doing his usual rounds. Down to the programs U.I. - Odxny spends most of his time in perpetual darkness. Cozy and familiar - totally safe and secure. Nothing but the low whirrs of a computers fan and the faint blinking of routers to keep him company.

You’re the brightest thing he’s had on his screen in a long time. You’ve got white walls and no precaution, really. You’re sitting at your own desktop - and he can see everything of your life in the background of where you sit. There are photos of you graduating high school, being around unnamed friends, vacations and trips, and head shots like the kind you take for a resume. It’s all so personal. Bookshelves, trinkets, poorly made clay sculptures. Posters of musicians you like and Studio Ghibli movies. Evidence of life surrounds you like a halo.

Awful. Angel comparisons to someone he’s only known for a day make him wonder if he’s more pathetic than he thought. He probably shouldn’t think so hard about a stranger, a real stranger. Thrim generated randomly, though he thinks it sounds like a name. Finds it fun to say, for better or worse.

Natural light pours in from a window nearby, casting shadows in your room. He already knows you, in a way. He did the background search. Where you were born, raised, grew up.  The schools you went too, the career you seek. Bits and pieces of you are all scattered in his memory and are not at all thorough. He wasn’t really trying for that at the time, just needed to know if you were dangerous. There’s a cognitive dissonance. To know a life so thoroughly and to witness it is completely, and utterly different.

There’s miles between you. Must be thousands. He can’t remember the last time he’s really met someone, though. It’s hard not to notice that this feels akin to that. Like the embers of a campfire, glowing but not burning. A comfortable warmth.

Bright. His screen is very bright talking to you. Even obscured behind the mask, it’s a little difficult to look at it and leaves him on edge - restless and mildly painful.

When his vision adjusts though, there’s clarity. A person, a stranger - with an exceptionally nice laugh and who is exceptionally trusting. Odxny tries not to think too hard about the feeling of warmth that flutters at your overflowing sincerity.

The conversation is easy.

“Does that mean you trust me now?”

Odxny pretends to think on it. “Enough to keep you around.”

“See you later.”

“See you.”

You accompany your last words with a wave - short and sweet. Darkness pulls him in, back where he started. He has a mild headache from all the light.

__

You pick up on the language better than he thought you would.

He underestimated you. Can you blame him? Your choice is language is ArnoldC, for fucksake. Sure, he has limited knowledge on esoteric languages but can it really be in-depth enough to show you the basics.

(It can. Or at least, Od presumes this to be the case because you’re rather helpful in Incri’s hacks and Incri is hardly helpful to anyone in the world, no less the server.)

You pick up on things quickly with little guidance - always to the point and not usually making many errors. He has to commend your abilities and give you credit where it’s due. It’s not a hard language to learn, but for anyone with no familiarity with coding at all he’d expect there to be a learning curve. Even if you had coding language, it’s not like you knew SQL coming in.

You fit strangely well into the server somehow. You’re happy to learn and nonplussed about helping with small things, though you don’t know these people at all and have no reason to participate in their nonsense. You talk to Incri fine, and manage to get Pep to accidentally reveal telling information. Odxny finds all of this rather… entertaining maybe. More than impressive, really.

He has a hard time making sense of the feeling. He would hope you don’t think you’re under duress - given the fact your relationship in two days has been pleasant. Then again - maybe he’s missed some social cue and you do think that. It’s possible. After all, he doesn’t actually remember the last time he’s spoken verbally to anyone with very, very few exceptions.

He manages to call you again after the fact - opens the call with sincere and heartfelt congrats and feels pleasant seeing you take the compliment in stride.

You land on the subject of programming again, inevitably. He interrogates you a little more over your choice in language - almost like he can’t help himself. It’s basic curiosity. You had said you were the best in ArnoldC. A little research proved that to be true, presence of you in the forums of various esolang pages. He landed on many things. You’re the best at ArnoldC, but you also know Brainfuck for some ridiculous reason.

He thinks you’re a little ridiculous in general.

“It’s really for the love of the game, huh?”

You nod when he asks this. Smiling, bright and unbothered with a soft edge of smug pride that makes the muscles of his face twitch up. “Mhm. I like my little collection.

Odxny doesn’t doubt it for even a minute. He’s seen the proof, but perhaps he doesn’t need to mention that. “Your trophy case of ridiculous language?”

Your eyes come to life all of a sudden. “Wait. A real trophy case would actually be so cool.”

He pauses, blinking as the words sink before a smile breaks onto his face helplessly. “That was not to enable you.”

“Too late. I’m already looking up the ugliest wood trim display cases I can find.”

The laugh comes naturally. “You really are just like this?”

You look proud again. “What? Fun?”

Yes, Odxny thinks but doesn’t say. “Baffling.”

You ask Odxny to elaborate and he does. The conversation flows with frustrating ease. So easily that he mouths off about his plans to you without a second thought. He doesn’t know why he does it. Not really. He’s thought it through over and over - so it’s not like he needs to disclose it. He made his choice.

He thinks about moving it along. About ending the call or simply brushing past without going into any detail.

When he glances at the screen, you’ve got a pillow in your lap and your eyes completely focused on him. There’s that feeling again, alarming clarity in your gaze and brightness that causes him immense unease in the world he’s made of nihilistic, apathetic darkness. There’s a plan, always has been. He’ll do this and disappear and the world will soon forget him. If it happens that way, than at least this loneliness is a choice he’s made for himself and not something the world has cruelly decided for him.

His lips move faster than his head, than even his heart. Compelled by a nameless and brilliant force. “I don’t have any reason to stay. I’m just — tired. Of everything.”

“No reasons? Nothing makes you happy here?”

His response is measured. Quiet. It’s not secret. He finds his voice crumbles around the words anyway as if they’re a confession. “Not for a long time. I don’t feel much of anything, really. It is what it is.”

You frown. He’s seen it all before. Heard it all before. “That’s…”

He cuts you off quickly.

“We just met. And we’ll be strangers again soon enough.” He says with as much conviction and resolve as he can possible manage. Who he’s convincing remains unclear. “So, not to be cold but..you know.”

The disappointment in your face leaves an impression, but you relent. He tries to make amends for the depressing conversation of talking again and you perk up so genuinely it makes want to cry, in a distant and foreign way.

“Catch you later, then.” He says, and closes at out the call. The room falls dark for the second time. He blinks a few times to get rid of the light clouding his vision.

__

Wnpep is eager to teach you on the third day.

You’re eager in reply - matching energy with sharp wit and enthusiasm. Wnepep is a better teacher than Incri by several miles. Evident in how much faster everything falls into place for you. Not that you really need too much help in the first place. You break down the crumbling walls of an insurance scam with ease and come out of the other side more accomplished.

It’s a noble last hack, Odxny thinks.  Not unsurprising from Pep - unofficially the most sane and likeable member. He figured it’d be something like this less than a matter of personal vengeance.

You go back and forth for a bit in admin chat. Od types an apology about winding you up and tries not to read too much into the innuendo of it as you reply back with your own faux offended replies. He insists he’s somewhat sorry, and you’re far from believing him.

He finds himself grinning at his screen while he texts you mid conversation. When the realization hits, he almost curls into himself from embarrassment - a hand covering his mouth like it’ll do away with the grave sin.

The inneundo happens twice in one conversation, before you get to call under the premise of a victory toast.

A brief conversation about the last hacks barely leaves room for much else except Odxny plans of total isolation.

“Mm. I should’ve known it would come back to this. Why do you care what I choose to do with myself?”

That baffles you in a terribly genuine way. “Am I not allowed to care about another person?”

Odxny speaks honestly. “You are but I mean…” He trails off. He knows how he feels. “I’m not really a person anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m no one. I’m going to be no one. You have other things to fill your life with.”

There’s a vulnerable edge to his voice that he winces at when he hears it. It’s true isn’t it? All of it is true to Odxny, but especially where he says you have other things to fill your life with. You might share the same hobbies, but he’s seen it. He’s seen how different you are - your livelihoods, your existence. You’d be missed if you suddenly disappeared. Odxny knows the same isn’t true for himself. It’s been like that for a long while now.

(It’s crushing. That’s what makes your very ephemeral existence feel like a burden. Why it casts the shadows of doubt on choices he made, about how he would live so long ago. You care, don’t you? At least, more than anyone else in his life in the present. You care so undeniably, and so obviously and it is all so simple to you.

He almost envies it. Almost resents it, too. It’s such a small shred of humanity, the barest forms of sincerity but it is painfully raw. A split nerve. An open wound It’s not like the server, all of whom have accepted this distant fondness. It’s a delicate thread - spider silk accuracy and just as much strength. There’s conviction in your missing him and it haunts him.)

You think of what to say for a long time before landing on it. “I do. But I can care about multiple things at once,”

It sounds like I care about you too closely. He finds himself shivering. He’s truthful with you, unsure of how else to be when it comes to these conversations.

“That sounds burdensome.” He says. “Isn’t that exhausting?”

You don’t lie to him either. “Sometimes. But it’s worth the trouble.”

“Why?”

“Because I like your company,” You reply. Soft sincerity in your words. More clarity. More painstaking light.

“It can’t be that simple.”

“Why not?”

“If it was that simple then -“ Then it makes it seem like things could be different. He doesn’t say that. Stops himself before it can happen. “I don’t know why I’m bothering to argue. Why do I feel like I need to prove this to you?”

He’s almost afraid to look at your face, wincing when he sees how knowing you look. Not in a condescending way - but genuine, full blown understanding. Like you see through him.

He wonders if he knows you as well as he thought he did.

Your face is so sympathetic. “Are you sure it’s me?”

He cuts the conversation short on his own - making an awkward transition from the topic at hand into whatever he can manage. It’s an awkward fumble - a poor attempt at distracting both of you from this line of thinking. You’re kind enough to let him have it. He asks about your hobbies. You tell him about how you like to try the weirdest things and combinations you can find in a restaurant.

He finds it suits you.

A lot of things suit you. Even your piss poor attempt at the Terminator that he quickly mimics - possessed by god knows what.

You laugh when he does. Brilliant and bubbly and characteristically warm. You say the words through giggles.

“That was so bad!”

“It was a lapse in judgment,” He replies back defensively, smiling against his will. He finds himself laughing too.

“I like your laugh, by the way.”

He pauses caught off-guard. “Oh? My laugh. Oh, uhm. Thank you.”

You make a face that he can’t read. Knowing. In a different way than the last. He feels nervous.

“I have been laughing quite a bit, haven’t I?”

You grin. Smug and deliriously happy. “Sure have.”

He looks away from you. “Ha...Odd.”

You giggle again. Your eyes crinkle at the corners, nose scrunched in genuine delight. It’s a pleasant sound but not because it’s particularly wispy or floaty or delicate. But it’s real. Pleasant in the way the white noise of park during summer. Pleasant like the varied playlist overhead in a record shop. Pleasant like a moment of humanity tucked between everyday. He clears his throat.

“I like your laugh, I think.”

You laugh again, gasping with faux offense. “You think???”

He tries not to feel so grounded by that sound and fails. “Yeah. I think. Laugh again.”

He tries not to add please. You shake your head like you’re reprimanding him.

“No, no, you have to earn that. Make me laugh.”

“Nevermind. Shut up.”

You do laugh again that time. He joins you soon after. “And now you laugh? At me?”

The conversation moves again, comfortable like a tide. You ask about his favorite language and he tells you as much. You’re quiet and growing cheeky, listening to him talk.

“So you do like coding.”

“Maybe a little.” He replies, not giving in. “You remember far too much of what I say.”

The conversation comes to a close again. He thanks you for how nice its been and you make an off-handed attempt to get him to change his mind. You could always talk more. The implication delicate beneath it.

We don’t have to forget each other. Odxny brushes past it - but says he’ll see you tomorrow anyway.

__

Extorting Elimfs childhood friend (?) is an easy enough endeavor. Odxny texts you through out - to ask advice on what things to take when he leaves.

He calls you again when its over too. He can’t find a reason for it - nothing that makes sense. He just wanted to call you. He hasn’t wanted something like that in a while,  but he tells himself its fine. This is the last time you’ll ever know each other.

So its fine. He won’t waver.

He’ll just.. call you.

He asks you on your weed habits, mildly surprised when you tell him you smoke and take edibles sometimes too. The conversation loops back to the fund at one point. You don’t hide your displeasure about the whole thing today.

You’ve talked about it already. No need to keep bringing up. But you seem to feel so strongly and Odxny can’t figure out why. Can’t shake the feeling of wanting to know why every single time.

“Is it really so hard to believe I’ve come to like you in a few days?”  You ask, after probing.

“In a way that matters, yes.”

You frown at him when he says that. It’s the most upset he’s seen you look, if he can call it that. You’ve never been upset when he’s been rude or insulting - but this is bothering you. It doesn’t help him pull away from you.

He says it again. Reinforces how temporary this all is. He’s trying to convince one of you. Both of you, maybe, of his unimportance.

“I don’t think that little of you.”

He finds it hard to reply to that. It’s that feeling against. It makes him uncomfortable. It’s not empty platitudes or some vague sense of responsibility for his life. All of it is real, and all of it is meaningful in how plain it is. You make it seem easy.

“It’s life. It’s normal. People come, people go.”

You shake your head. “Not for me. I can’t forget you that easily.”

He wishes you would. He’s painfully, painfully relieved that you wouldn’t it. He voices neither thought.

“Then- try! You’re putting so much on yourself, and for what? You don’t stand to gain anything.”

You shrug. “Peace of mind. Knowing you’re still out there.”

It’s heavy. The implication is heavy. He’s not going to kill himself. He doesn’t want that anymore, though he thought about it. At the beginning. Loneliness is more painful when you have memories of what not being that way was like - he thinks. At the start of all that loss, the hollowness bared an almost painful gravity inside of him.

It’s like being told to breathe or blink - becoming conscious of what was once a natural function, how full life was once when it’s escaped. He doesn’t want to kill himself, but living is meaningless.

 These things aren’t paradoxical to him. They haven’t been for all this time.

(They weren’t until he met you at least. A mirror of wanting. Odxny looks at you and sees life reflected back. Despite it not being his, its moving. It’s beautiful in a human way, reachable. Tangible. Earned.

Wherever you are. Whenever you’re together, the black hole inside of himself seems to fade back into average planetary darkness. He becomes cruelly human again, feeling warmth and laughter.

He’s tells himself he’s not afraid of dying and that’s mostly true. He’s most afraid of living. Afraid he won’t be able to learn it again.)

 He manages to tell you some of what he’s thinking. He has no clue how to start over. He doesn’t know if it’s possible. You don’t feed him any false hope, but he tells you how he sees it. You’re feeling pity for him right? And you should figure that out sooner rather than later.

“Is it really that easy for you?”

You shake your head. You’re smiling but it doesn’t quite reach your eyes. “It isn’t. But I have to try.”

“Is that what you’re doing with me?”

“What?”

“Is this…?”

He cuts the call off when he hears himself, unsure of what answer he’s hoping for. The realization dawns on him too much, too quickly. The feeling of hope is loud in his chest but there is another feeling, embarrassing in it’s swiftness that follows shortly after.

Oh.

Oh.

__

The servers shuts down after a mildly sappy adventure to close up shop. The closest Odxny has gotten to flirting with you in his own way. He’s sad to see everyone go, despite there being no other choice.

It’s easier than he thought it’d be. To give you his number he means, even after shutting the entire server down. After leaving everything behind. He gives you the choice to make. Call me if you still want it - a silent promise.

 Maybe because deep down - some part of him always wanted to make this choice. Just maybe.

Your voice is different over the phone line. A little clearer, spoken softer. Just as lovely as it was the first time he heard it. Maybe more. Maybe.

The city beneath him is bright. So bright. It doesn’t hurt to look at, he thinks.

__

You call him every day.

You’ve been doing it for months.

He thought, at some point, you’d let up or start to forget. He’s been waiting on it to happen as horrible as it sounds. Like some self-fulfilling prophecy, he’d slip back into the background as is natural. A proof of his nonexistence, if you will.

You don’t forget though. He almost wonders if he’s dreaming when it happens. There’s a routine between you two, these days. You have your own life that you’ve been living the same as normal. When it’s night time for you, though - you hop onto your desktop and call Od like you’re two very average people.

There’s nothing solid to define your relationship aside from friendship as is. This is less frustrating than he expected it to be. Getting to know you better has only made him like you more. Your relationship is solid in a strange way. It’s been about six months total, and as corny as it sounds - Odxny feels like he’s known you for his entire life. You understand him in an intimate way, with vulnerable tenderness and radical acceptance.

He kind of misses the privacy of his old stomping grounds, but he doesn’t mind speaking though discord. It feels… normal. In a not displeasing way. You mostly talk to talk about whatever comes to mind. Sometimes it’s your job search, other times it’s  your part-time or friend drama. You’re vibrant as always. Without the wall of anonymity, Odxny gets to know of you like he’s just your average person. He finds he really, really likes that.

You play games together frequently. He’s never been interested in cozy gaming, but you play Minecraft and Stardew Valley together per your request. Odxny streams himself playing Ocarina of Time for you on Discord in the background sometimes too, and you keep it on when you’ve got work to do or you’re cooking or something else. There’s something very mundane to it.

You’re not doing anything with him today though. You’re calling him on facetime, rather than at your desktop. You’ve made the executive decision to laze around and Odxny has no problem joining you though you speak less than usual as a result of being sleepy. You had a long shift yesterday so perhaps Odxny can’t blame you.

“Need to get better shoes. For walking and stuff.” You say thoughtlessly. The corners of his lips twitch up.

“Yeah?”

You nod. Your face is smushed against your pillow at an unflattering angle. He smiles a little.

“Yeah. I’m on my feet for like nine hours when I serve and it hurts wearing flats. Need something sturdier even it diminishes my drip.”

He laughs at that. “Please never say that again.”

You continue onwards. “Decreases my aura, even. But alas, utility comes first.”

He snickers as he glances at you through the phone. You’re propped against one of his monitors as he does work on his computer. He’s getting back into programming for the love of the game, just seeing what he can do.

“Want help looking?”

“Feels a little ridiculous asking a super pro-hacker to shop Sketchers with me.”

“You seriously thinking of buying Sketchers?”

You laugh lightly. “Maybe I’ll get tipped more if I get the light-up ones.”

“Please don’t.”

“Hater.”

You break out into genuine laughter as Odxny shakes his head in despair. It’s something you’d do, no doubt. You sigh.

“I really do want a break from work.” You roll around on your mattress. Odxny can hear your rustling but can’t see you much. “The chains of capitalism shackle me in place. Woe is me.”

Odxny thinks on what you’ve said for a long while in silence. The question comes up every now and again though he’s never brave enough to ask it. His ludicrous amount of disposable income however is still sitting in his bank, collecting dust. It’s been six months and he’s hardly made a dent in it.

“Do you want to come visit?” He asks, cringing at the sound of his own voice. The words are strained and a little too eager. “I can pay the difference for expenses for wages and stuff. And, uh. Uhm,”

He loses his train of thought trying to speak, worsened by the way you pop onto his screen when he says that. Your expression is unreadable to him, comfortable and even. You smile a little as you lift the phone so he can see what you look like laying in your bed. Your face is in full view.

“It’d be a little weird to visit you before we start dating officially, no?”

His eyes go wide at the implication. You grin, mischief and mirth making your eyes practically beam. He can feel a blush crawl up his neck as soon as he registers it.

“Excuse me? Why are you saying that like it’s already been decided?” He bites back, not sure what else he could say.

“So you don’t want to date me?”

“I didn’t- you - damn it,” He groans at his own bluster as he giggles on the other side of the line. So cheeky. Damn him for liking it and damn you for being cute. “…You are saying you like me right?”

Your face softens. He can feel his heartbeat quicken. “Uh-huh. Just wanted to take it slow. But I’ve liked you for a long time.”

“How long is that, exactly?”

You shrug playfully and the fact he can’t be within reach to kiss you feels especially harrowing. “A secret.” You smile again, all trouble. “So. Wanna date?”

“Terrible confession. Zero stars,” He says petulantly. He leans back in his chair and finds himself smiling uncontrollably. “Fine. I guess.”

Your laugh fills his room. He doesn’t get tired of hearing it. His face hurts from smiling.

__

He manages to stave off on the anxiety of you coming to see him for a lot longer than he thought possible.

Making arrangements proves to be a little difficult. You have to tell your roommates that you’ll be gone for a while but promise to still pay rent and explain to your boss where you’re going. You have a good enough relationship and have been working long enough for them to agree to keep a spot open so you can start working when you come back.

After that, there’s the matter of Visas. Odxny goes out of his way to make that process go much faster than normal, though he doesn’t actually tell you. Once all of that’s sorted, there’s living arrangements. Try as you might to insist to live somewhere else, his place is too spacious for him to let you stay anywhere else. You can take the guest room.

He pretends that all of this is just happening in his imagination. He doesn’t even know the last time anyone came over, let alone lived with him. He does his best to make things presentable, and makes a guest room for you to live in should you desire. He even buys more decor (plants and things) to make it look… less like a cave and more like a home.

Nothing really feels real until the day arrives though. It’s a long flight and difficult trip. You refused to let him pay for the tickets so he moved it around to get you into first class both ways through other methods.

You text him the terminal, the arrival time, any and all delays. Still. None of it feels real until he’s already waiting for you near the bags. He can feel his heart race, his lungs short of air. He’s never experienced something so ridiculously contradictory in his entire life. He wants to run away while feeling stuck in place.

The anticipation nearly kills him.

He would recognize your voice anywhere though. Like he did for so many days alone in the dark. A hand waves high, shouting as loud as it can.

“It’s you!”

The sound of sneakers skidding across tile floors make his breath hitch. His eyes go wide as you stand still in front of him, luggage in hand and a million-watt smile on your face. He feels his heart beat so loud, he wonders if he’s going to throw up.

“Hey.” He says, dumbly.

“Hi!”

__

The adjustment period to living together isn’t what he expects.

It’s been a long time since he’s been so close to another human being. It becomes clear that you’re really living together though when your things end up in the bathroom completely incidentally. There’s something about finding your sleep shirt on a towel rack that makes reality settle in. You’re living together.

He’d be stupid not to notice the purposeful distance between you. An attempt to be thoughtful and not overwhelm him. It’s never awkward when you’re together. You eat together, watch movies and play games while sitting too close on the couch. You’ve been on a date in the two weeks you’ve spent, and it barely took any convincing on your end to make him go along with you.

Isolation aside though, Odxny is not clueless to the conventions of modern dating. You avoid touching him too casually. He doesn’t blame you, but he can’t help but crave your presence with a little more bittersweet longing as the days pass. He has to get past it or bring it up eventually, but it feels like something he’s never going to get over somehow.

The opportunity to do so gets thrown at him all at once. You’ve been living together for sixteen days. A conversation about love languages is what undoes it.

“Whats your love language, Od?”

He gives you a quizzical look. “Dunno actually. Never bothered to look.”

“I’d guess… hm. Quality time maybe? Or words of affirmation.”

He shrugs as he sits next to you on the couch, glancing at your phone as you read through the different ones. “What’s yours?”

“Physical touch. I’m super touchy. With anyone who will let me, honestly. Bad habits.”

Odxny gives you a long look as you say it. He debates if he should bring it up.

“You don’t have to be so careful around me, you know?”

You look up at him, startled by the comment. Several things pass over your face before you settle on an apologetic smile. “Sorry. It’s not like I don’t want to. I just don’t want to be too much for you.”

“That wouldn’t happen.” He says automatically. You laugh good-naturedly.

“Your confidence is assuring, but you underestimate how touchy I am. I’m afraid of I get my hands on you, I’ll never let go again,”

He thinks he wants that more than is normal. He shakes his head. “I don’t mind.”

You give him a long look, seeming struck by an idea, before humming and standing up. You turn around with your hand out towards him. His brows furrow in bewilderment.

“Have some faith.”

He takes your hand and stands up with you. He likes that he’s taller than you. Staring at you, he feels your fingers clasp around his hand and his heart thuds - loud and messy.

“Your room or mine?”

“What?”

You laugh. “Get your mind out of the gutter. Or don’t actually, but I don’t bear lewd intentions.”

He crinkles his nose at the word usage and laughs. “Shut up.”

“Just trust me, okay?”

He concedes with embarassing swiftness.

“Okay.”

__

You lead Odxny to the guest room you’ve been living in for the last two weeks. The bed is well-made and all the new furniture he bought is occupying so many of your belongings. It makes him dizzy. You shut the door behind him as you lead him in. It just feels especially surreal.

Wordless, you let go of his hand and hop up onto your bed. Once you’re laying down, you prop up on your side with your elbow and pat the empty space next to you, smiling at him as you do. Once it clicks what your asking, he can feel his face grow hot. He can’t refuse it though, and he doesn’t want too.

The sheets you bought together smell like you. Between there’s practically no distance between you at this angle. He’s gotten to look at you plenty through these few days but it’s different. You scoot impossibly close to him until there’s nothing separating you.

Your breath is warm - a soft exhale leaving your lips as you inch closer.

“What’re we doing?” He asks in a murmur, stone stiff. You smile, coyly.

“Touching each other.”

He frowns at the joke. Your expression goes a touch serious right after. The sincerity is debilitating. “Can I touch you?”

He nods. Can’t do much more than that.

He stares at you with impending, long-suffering longing as you bring a single hand to his face and cradle his neck. He flinches unintentionally, but pulls your hand back when you try to move it. He wants this. You relax a little when he does that.

Your hands are softer. Softer than a heartbeat. He can feel the various cuts and scars from years of working against his skin but they’re still so soft. He can feel how warm you in such a brief touch his chest aches. Your hands cradle his face tenderly, thumb brushing across his lip with a smile brighter than thousands of lights. Something in your expression wreaks havoc on his heart. Something so raw and so gentle and so full within it - all directed towards him.

It’s been so long. So long. He’s never wanted something so bad  he couldn’t remember needing. He’s never wanted to be closer to someone than he does to you in the moment.

“You’re handsome,” You say, so sweetly. Not a confession, but gentle appraisal. It’s rare he cries but he wants too. “I like looking at you. Can I kiss you?”

“Please.” He rasps, gravel in his voice unfamiliar.

You hum a little. Closing the space between you with a press of lips. It’s not chaste. Odxny is grateful for how long and how deep you linger. He wants it so badly. He wants you in some damning and unforgiving way. How could a human being feel so warm? Feel so pleasant with so little?

You press your foreheads together. His hand trembles when they grip onto your waist but you encourage him just a little. It’s just a kiss. His heart might beat out of him. It’s just a kiss. He thinks he loves you.

Your hand moves away from his face. You let it go underneath his loose shirt to touch his shoulder, running your palm down the plane of his chest. You squeeze his waist, and wrap your arms around his back and pull him to you until your bodies touch somewhere in the middle.

You guide his face to your neck and chest as you hold him. He grips onto you tight in response, a gasp in the back of his lungs at the sudden sensation. You coo above him, soft and light - your fingers threading through his hair and nails massaging his scalp.

Your voice sounds above him, despite how deep in a haze he is. He can’t do anything but cling to you with impossible longing. You speak softly as you pet him. Your heartbeat soothes his.

“I’m glad you’re here.” You tell him. There’s that familiar clarity that makes him want to cry. “I’m glad you let me come with you.”

He can’t think of anything to say back. It’s a soul-shattering emotion. “I love you.”

You laugh wetly above him. “I love you, too. So much.” And then much softer. “Let’s be together for a long time.”

__

You lay in each others arms until sunset. In small talk and silent murmurs. It takes him hours to work up the courage to kiss you again - but only minutes to take it further.

It’s desperate. Terribly. Inevitable. You’re beautiful in a way that is undescribable, best expressed through his teeth on your neck and his hands all over where he can reach - each grip and thrust and bite a reminder. You’re pretty when you’re pleased, warmth reaching up inside of him whenever you make the right face.

He buries himself in you. You’re soft and warm and beautiful and he wants to stay with you. Time is a thief. He damns the sun when it tears you from him come morning.

__

He decides to make breakfast when you wake up. Nothing complicated. You go to shower after him and he plates up toast and eggs and other various things. It’s half done when you come downstairs.

Your skin is still damp, and you smell of vanilla and soap. Your coffee sits in a cup on the table as you pad over to him. He turns to look at you as you reach your hand up and cup his face. You pepper a kisses along his cheeks stopping at his lips for the last one before you’re satisfied.

He fails in his attempt not to blush.

“Morning.” You grin. He tries not to be sick at the domesticity of it all and fails.

“Yeah. Morning.”

You sit at the counter and drink your coffee, glancing outside the window. “It’s bright outside.”

Odxny can’t tear his eyes off of you. “Yeah...” He agrees. He’s not torn his gaze away. “Very bright.”

✮ a/n ; i want all real life compsci men to kick rocks but odxny sweeped me off my feet in a way i can only describe as humiliating. he is a bit like astarion for me in that i see a lot of myself in him at least in the past. he is also incredibly babygirl and uhm . other things (fine. he's very gorjus.) but i truthfully was most compelled by his idealized idea of isolation. as the fic will show it resonated with me as a fellow compsci dork who also tends to isolate like crazy LOL

this fic was like a demon that possessed me. literally no meds, no caffiene - just balls to the wall demonic possesion of needing something out of my system LMAOO. and adhd of course. im working on all the other stuff too i promise. consider this a short interlude 👍🏾

[starryhologram]

CCCC Band AU Master Post

AKA I made a crack AU where Heart, Mind, and Soul become famous. But now, it’s a more serious and loved AU.

Disclaimer: Like the SCP AU, the HMS in this AU exist in the “real world” as opposed to a psyche/headspace. When the Whole splits, the three replace him. Also, warnings of canon typical v10l3nc3. These versions of Heart, Mind and Soul have been caricaturized, and are fun house mirror versions of their album/canon counterparts. Hope you like if you read!

Heart takes his g. un, the same one he missed Mind with, and he places it to the back of Soul’s head.

“Soul.” Heart bites the other’s name hard. Spits it out with disgust. Soul feels the cold metal press against his skull. They were truly going to usurp him. He didn’t think it would end like this.

“Heart. Please. Put the gu. n down.” He begs, eyes sliding over to where Mind watches from a distance. His face unreadable, Soul wishes he would help.

“Shut the fuck up.” Heart jams the barrel against Soul, knocking him slightly forward.

Should he fight? Continue to beg?

“You can threaten to kill us all but I can’t return the sentiment?!” Heart shouts.

Should he let it happen?

His blood goes cold as he hears the trigger shake in Heart’s grip.

BANG.

Soul falls to the ground.

Heart steps back, dropping the g. un.

Mind walks over to Soul and puts his hand against his neck. “He’s still alive.” He comments.

“That’s fine, I wasn’t trying to kill him, anyways.”

“You’re a bad liar.”

Heart doesn’t say anything in return.

Mind sighs, shaking his head. Best to let Soul recover, then. He wasn’t going to be the one to put him out of his misery, and he had a feeling Heart wouldn’t either.

Mind picks up Soul’s limp body gingerly, his head dripping blood onto his hands. Seeing his face, the skin had torn around where the bullet had exited. Soul’s eye was completely gone.

It was morbid, but Mind continued to carry the other to his room, laying him down on the bed. A few moments later, Heart shuffled in, shoving first aid supplies into Mind’s hands.

“Like this will help.” Mind says sarcastically. Regardless, he begins bandaging up the side of Soul’s face.

The computer in the corner of the room dings with a notification.

“Ugh. I thought we turned those off.” Heart frowned.

“We did, but I kept them on for emails. Stand with him, I’ll see if it’s important.” Mind moves to the desktop, jiggling the mouse to turn it on.

“No way this is real.” He scoffs after a few moments.

“What? What does it say?” Heart demands impatiently.

Mind reads out the contents of the email for the other.

“You’re kidding. Do some background research! Look it up!” Heart raised his voice frantically.

After a few more moments of key strokes mouse clicking, Mind turns back to Heart. “It’s real. What do we say? Should we decline? Accept? This is a very big decision.” He glances at Soul once again. “And honestly, he should decide too.”

“We could let Whole decide.” Heart offers meekly.

“You shot Soul, Whole is probably out of commission as well. We will have to wait. I will let them know to give us time to make the decision.”

Over the course of the next few days, Soul floated in and out of consciousness, the pain in his head ebbing and flowing. He wished he could have had nice dreams, but it was dark and hazy. Something haunted him about how he had gotten hurt. Mind and Heart refused to tell him, and Soul couldn’t bring himself to remember.

The bright side of his dull situation, however, was that Mind and Heart were being so nice to him. They gave him warm food in bed as he recovered, and even spared him from sarcastic quips. He wishes it could always be like this, getting along.

Eventually, Soul was able to remain conscious for a longer amount of time. And Mind and Heart finally decided to tell him once he proved cognizant enough.

“Soul.” Mind announced as he entered the other’s room, Heart trailing in his shadow.

Soul smiled at the other two. “Good morning.” He said softly, his voice had been nothing but kind to them in return these past few days.

“We have to tell you something. And we need… you to help us decide.” Heart stammers, “On what to do about it.” He walked over to stand at the foot of the bed.

“Yeah, of course. What’s up?” Soul asks.

“While you were… recovering. We received an email.” Mind began, sitting at the desktop once more to pull up the page.

“It reads as follows.

‘Dear Tridential Sovereignty, us at Galaxy Star Records have recently found your music and think you have just the talent we’ve been looking for.

We are pleased to offer to sign you as one of our many talented artists. We would be honored to represent you, and help you reach your full star potential.

Kindly, Galaxy Star Records. LA, California.’ “

Mind turns to look at Soul once more. His mouth is agape in shock. “We’ve been offered a record deal?” He asks in disbelief.

“It would seem so.” Mind replies.

“Of course we should go for it!” He exclaims. Mind and Heart almost seem surprised by his answer.

“Uhm.. are you sure? This is crazy.” Heart digs his toe into the carpet absentmindedly.

“I mean, this can only be good right? As long as its reputable! What could go wrong?” Soul looks like he got everything he could have ever wanted for Christmas.

~~~

A man tears himself apart in the dead of night

Grasping at lyrics that aren't quite right

But you’ve head this before

And I’ll never again

Because the spotlight is blinding

And the audience is screaming my name

Please don’t let me lose myself in the fame

~~~

Private Emails are uploaded. Subject: Sign On Offer From: galaxystarrecords@contact.com To: tridentialsovereignty@gmail.com

Thank you so much for accepting our proposal! We can’t wait to start working with you!

First order of business we do need to get settled is the contract. You can access it here, and we will need all of your E-signatures.

Next you can also take a look at a list of preordained names that you can choose to go by as per our guidelines. Your band will still be called Tridential Sovereignty under us, but your individual names will be pseudonyms (No real popstar doesn’t have a stage name!).

You can view our list below.

Luna

Callisto

Oberon

Nova

Kepler

Aristarchus

Metius

Tycho

Voib

Pulsar

Orion

Asteroid

Comet

Thebit

Nebula

Rigel

Quasar

Antimar (antimatter)

[File attachment contract.pdf]

~~~

Private Emails are uploaded. Subject: RE: Sign On Offer From: galaxystarrecords@contact.com To: tridentialsovereignty@gmail.com

Apologies, there was a misspelling in the list of names.

Voib is meant to be Void.

Thank you.

~~~

BREAKING NEWS! Introducing TRIDENTIAL SOVEREIGNTY! VIX NEWS keeps you updated with up and coming artists that you should be aware of!

Your favorite niche internet micro-celebrities become famous! Who would have thought their covers of cult classic Tally Hall songs would have skyrocketed their stardom?

Meet Comet, Nova, and Pulsar! The ‘Heart, Mind, and Soul’- they call themselves- of Tridential Sovereignty. Sweeping the globe with their new music to rock your socks off!

Recently signed on by Galaxy Star Records, after an interested team heard their individual covers of “The Mind Electric” by ミラクルミュージカル (also known as Miracle Musical). These young artists are rising through the charts, and concerts are selling out fast internationally!

We here at VIX NEWS are excited to see where they go from here! Follow us for more updates on Tridential Sovereignty!

~~~

A video titled ‘Late Nite Show Interview with TRIDENTIAL SOVEREIGHNTY’ is uploaded.

The video opens with a studio audience cheering as the host waves at them thankfully, smiling warmly.

“Good evening ladies, gentlemen and other lovely people! We have a special guest for you tonight- at their first television appearance- Tidential Sovereignty!”

The host gestures to curtains that three figures emerge from, the one in a red jacket is waving and smiling just as much as the host was. The two following him are much less enthused.

The crowd cheers as they walk across the stage to sit at a long couch adjacent to the seat the host had taken.

“Thank you so much for joining us this evening!” The hosts says, “Yeah! Thank you for having us!” The one in red responds.

“Now, you guys have been taking the scene by absolute storm- ahaha, pun not intended.” The hosts pauses for the audience to laugh. “But, I’d love to get to know you guys a bit more. You guys all look very similar, is that intentional? Or are you guys triplets?” He asks.

“Triplets is the closest word.” The one in blue states plainly. “Ah yeah! We’re all kind of like brothers, sure.” The one in red adds.

“What interesting responses!” The host laughs. “Now, Pulsar,” he gestures to the one in red, “You call yourself the Soul? What does that mean?”

Pulsar’s smile doesnt faze, but his eyes scan to his other two counterparts nervously. “Yeah, I’m like the Soul… its just… a way of referring to myself, like Nova is the Mind- eh the brains of it all. And Comet is the Heart, you get it? It’s just… the way we make up the Whole… band. Tridential Sovereignty.” He stammers out quickly.

Comet shoves him.

The host is laughing again. “Well that’s certainly a way of thinking about it!” He says, and it eases Pulsar’s nerves. “You guys were pretty popular on the internet at first, right? How’s the transition from the screen to the stage been?”

“It’s been fine, we still do all the main stuff behind the scenes; the music writing and stuff. But seeing fans in real life? Cheering for us on stage? I… don’t think any of us could have imagined it. We assumed we would be stuck in our mom’s basement doing this for a niche audience for our whole career, honestly.” Comet replies.

“It’s crazy how quick things can change!” The host quips, “Hey! Would you guys like to play a song for us?” He asks, the crowd cheers in enthusiasm.

The three nod in agreement, stand up and make their way over to instruments set up for them. Pulsar stands at the middle mic, holding an electric guitar. Nova stands at an electronic keyboard. A blue bass is propped up next to him. Comet sits down at a drum set.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between, this is Tridential Sovereignty!” The host announces as the three begin to play.

Pictured: (left) Pulsar with no make up, wig or mask, in casual clothes. (Right) Pulsar within the first few months of rising to stardom, before his outfits became more pink.

~~~

A video titled ‘VIX NEWS: Exclusive interview with TRIDENTIAL SOVEREIGNTY FT. Your questions!’

The video opens with Pulsar, red wig, feathered boa and pink dress in all, sitting on a stool in a white room. He smiles, introducing himself, “Hi, babes! I’m Pulsar, but you know that!” He laughs

The camera cuts to Nova, sitting in the same room, but clearly shot at a different time than Pulsar’s takes. He sits square and upright and says, “Hello. I’m Nova, of Tridential Sovereignty.”

The video cuts again to Comet, slouching on the stool. He waves meekly to the camera. “Hey, I’m Comet.” He says flatly.

A voice from behind the camera calls out, “So, we sent out a form for fans of your’s to ask! And here are the ones we thought would be best to ask you guys!”

“How exciting!” Pulsar claps his hands together. “What’s the first question?”

“Your-claimed- ‘Number one fan’, Pulsar, asks: what is your favorite song?” The voice off screen laughs aloud as she reads it.

“Oh, I have so many favorites, you know! But I think a special one in my heart will always be The Bidding.” He says.

“Nova, an unnamed fan asks ‘if you could go solo, would you?”

“Hm. I do shows on my own often enough. If you mean officially leave Tridential Sovereignty one day? That is yet to be determined.” Nova’s face shows no change in expression as he answers.

“Comet, Rio asks ‘if you could change anything about your life now, what would it be?”

Comet barks out a laugh and then frowns as he collects himself. “Right. Yeah. I mean, is anyone really happy with where they are? I messed up a lot in the past but I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t. Dunno. I don’t think I care anymore anyways.”

“Pulsar, Twine- of course-?” The announcer sounds confused as she says the name. “Do you have a PR team yet?”

“What? Twine? How did… how did you get that question?” Pulsar’s brow furrows in shock and confusion, “That’s a joke… right? I think. Ah, yeah. A joke.” He laughs unconvincingly.

“Nova, what do you do when you encounter writer’s block? From Hayley.”

“I simply don’t. If I don’t feel like writing, I don’t write. Let it come to me. I know what I write is good.”

“Comet, Jedas asks ‘what is your favorite show you’ve performed at?”

“The VMAs were cool. Or the Bubble Dome. I dunno, as long as the crowds are big they’re always great.” He grins.

“Pulsar, Ciddle asks ‘care to show us what’s behind the mask?”

Pulsar puts a hand up to his mask, holding it down to his cheek. “Yeah, no. Not right now. I wear it for a reason.” He looks away.

“Nova, do you guys plan on doing another make-up collaboration? Asks Lori.”

“I think we’ve got some eyeshadow coming out soon. This is better a question for Pulsar.” Nova sighs.

“Pulsar, Faust asks, if you were a cat, what kind would you be?”

“Orange. Definitely.” Pulsar laughs.

“Nova, ‘Bold move straightening your hair, any reason?”

“It’s a wig. And it differentiates me from the other two.”

“Pulsar- or as ‘Smouul’ calls you ‘Pulss,- insert joy emote- te- tec-ah? Muciss? Teach music? Is that what this says?” The announcer struggles through the question.

“Smoul? I know him… too, like Twine. Ah Smoul! I could teach you music! All you gotta do is ask! But I also offer courses on music too! They should be linked in my Instagram bio!”

“And finally, one more for you Pulsar, from another unnamed fan, ‘Are you going to answer for your growing list of controversies?”

Pulsar frowns. “Hey, I apologized for those. And I promised to do better. That’s all I can do.” He huffs. “Are we done now?”

“Yes, I suppose we are! Thanks for joining us-.” The announcer is cut off as Pulsar gets up and walks off screen.

“Cool, thanks bye!”

The video ends.

~~~

List of things Pulsar has done

Been paid to support NFTS {a lot of other celebrities were doing it at the time! It was a cute picture of a chicken! I didnt know it was evil!}

signed a merch deal with a company that runs a sweatshop to produce the merch {Look- I’ve been over this- I even uploaded an apology video! I didnt do my research and I promise to do better!}

uploaded an apology video {Hey! My fans know that it was an honest mistake! Plus I followed the guide on how to make a good apology video! I even made one of my own guides!}

made a guide on how to make apology videos {Only 50$!}

Doesn’t have a PR Team {My PR team is my best friend, Twine, he’s a Soul like me!}

got scammed by someone in another universe than him {Alice is my friend! And he said he needed the money!}

Almost was convinced to join the Church of Scientology {I was not almost convinced it was for the celebrity gossip! But Paladin said I shouldn’t do it}

is there anything else you’ve done? {not yet- I mean, No!}

~~~

Pictured: (Fake) Tweets talking about the perceived decline of Tridential Sovereignty or #TriSov, and how their original fans dislike the way their music sounds nowadays.

~~~

Pictured: The updated outfits of Comet, Pulsar, and Nova! At this point in their career, the three dont perform together as much as they used to. Before this change, Nova would often pick up DJing Gigs around the world. But, now he performs solo songs that sound like theyre meant for Old Navy Advertisements… theres no Heart and Soul to his music, just the melody and baseline lyrics that will appeal to the widest audience.

~~~

Pictured: Nebula, the Whole. He acts as the manager and agent of Tridential Sovereignty. He isn’t seen much nowadays, some say it’s because he can’t handle what they’ve created. They took over his life. This isn’t what he wanted. This isn’t what we wanted to become. But, it’s much too late now.

~~~

OOC STUFF

ive reached the ten photo limit on mobile and ive got so much written that my tumblr is lagging. Theres still some more long written posts ill add in reblogs and such. Characters mentioned such as Twine, Smoul, Alice and Paladin belong to @disruptivevoib @shxwrunner @socialc1imb @calamarispider @b0vidine

Feel free to send asks about these guys! Or even my scp au!

All art in this post is mine

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for wanting a material thing rather than an experience for my college graduation gift, and being upset I still don't have it?

I skimmed through some other AITA posts to prepare me to write this one properly, and saw someone use the term "validation bait." I bring that up because I fear this post may read like that once all is said and done, but I genuinely am worried my perspective might be skewed. I encourage you to enter "Reddit Mode" if you decide to reply after your judgement with additional context and feel the need to be blunt.

Background context: I have an older sibling who graduated before me during the beginning of COVID. While his gift was delayed as a result, we as a family (three children one father) ended up going to Disney World, NASA, and Universal Orlando in 2021 to celebrate his accomplishment. It was a great trip, aside from the horrific humidity and the hurricane that just barely missed us. Later on, I asked my sibling if that was what he actually wanted to do, and he said our father proposed some ideas because he didn't really have any and Florida sounded like a good idea to him. My asking this will make sense later, but putting it here seems the most logical.

Additionally, it may be important to know that my father goes on a lot of trips. At least, more than anyone I've personally known. I'm not gonna try to calculate the exact number, but I will say in the span of less than a year (after the family Florida trip), he went to both Canada and Mexico for a week each, on top of additional excursions to Florida and Vegas-- almost all also including bringing his girlfriend. At the same time, he claimed assistance with college tuition was out of his budget, started having me pay rent on a part time job, and told my younger sibling fixing the AC in their car would cost too much as well. Even I know something doesn't add up here, but maybe I'm taking it too personally. End background context.

Fast forward to spring of 2023, and it's my turn to graduate college. Here's the thing: my brother was asked at least a year in advance to his graduation what he would like to do. I wasn't asked; I had to bring it up myself, and I waited until my graduation was only two months out. It was also over a phone call, because my father was out of town for at least the fifth time that year already. I dropped the hint that, for my graduation present, I would really like to get a nice gaming desktop. My father's response was, "... We'll see." Later on, he elaborated through text stating, "I took everybody to florida because i think graduations should be more about memories than what material thing you can get out of your dad."

Here's the thing: it's no secret to my dad that I'm a gamer, and I like video games. Additionally, it's no secret that a gaming desktop is something I have wanted for a decade. Even since middle school I've talked about gaming desktops and how much I wanted one. Even so, I happily played games like Saints Row III on a laptop that chugged along at 12 frames per second and took every crash in stride. I also thought that this kind of gift would be a relief to my dad, as my thought process was it would be far less expensive than taking an entire family somewhere out of the state for a week. Not only that, but there wasn't really anywhere I wanted to go. I don't have the desire to travel like he does; I don't mind taking my time off at home or locally, and relaxing with the things I have rather than spending a ton on a fancy dinner or hotel or concert.

So, naturally, I was confused, dismayed, and heartbroken. While I started crafting a text response explaining why a gaming desktop would not just be for personal use, but would also be advantageous for my career (my degree was in animation and I learned surface level coding for making video games), I also wondered why it was wrong for me to want a "material thing" even if it wasn't something necessarily "useful." Because while, yes, a gaming desktop would have the power I needed for more intensive animation projects, that wasn't really why I wanted one. But I figured explaining as such would help convince my dad why it was a good idea.

My dad ended up calling me before I could finish crafting my text, so I did my best to explain my standpoint, as well as pointing out how the specs for a gaming desktop are pretty much parallel with the specs for a desktop for things like 3D rendering and animation. He stood his ground on "making memories" as well, and also hinted that I was acting entitled for asking about my graduation present. I think I pointed out to him how he asked my older brother far in advance what he wanted for his graduation, but those details of the conversation are a little faded with time. I did end up sending my text after that phone call anyway, as I felt it better explained what I was thinking and feeling than I could say in verbal conversation (I've always gotten a little flustered talking to my dad about things I want that he doesn't approve of).

Fortunately, after reading my text, my father seemed to come around, and invited me to put together a list of parts for my computer, since I wanted to build it. I got really excited and got the help of my computer-savvy friend to put together something I thought was reasonable-- it had a really good graphics card and processor, and I made compromises on some of the other parts to lower the cost. I haven't looked at the list in a while, but the total cost-- tower, two mid-range monitors, basic keyboard and mouse-- was something like 2.5k approaching 3k. Mid range (at least, it is these days) I think, but it would be enough for the things I wanted to do.

I put the list together, and emailed it to my dad. The assumption I had, was he would purchase the parts, and then we would build it together (or I would build it alone). However, later on I went to ask him if he had gotten my email, and while he said yes, he also said, "I'm not paying for the whole thing. I can't afford it, and it's not fair to spend more on you as an individual than what I spent on your brother as an individual for the Florida trip."

I find the latter point somewhat fair considering I'm the only person who benefits from this gift, but the first point, given the background context on my father's habits, I'm not sure how much I believe. But arguing with him would have been pointless. I definitely would have liked to have had that information beforehand, but it ultimately didn't change much.

This is getting long, so I'll try to summarize the rest. This was just the first instance of my father changing the goal posts for my graduation gift. First, he tried to convince me that getting a prebuilt tower would be just as good. I did the research, and a tower with the graphics card I wanted would have cost as much as building my own tower and buying a monitor, keyboard, and mouse, and still not have been as good in other specs anyways. Then, he tried to tell me he was only going to give me $1000 towards the computer. I pointed out paying for my older sibling for the Florida trip would have cost at least $1500-- if I hadn't done the research, I wouldn't have known any better and just blindly agreed. Then, two days after my graduation, he stated that he wasn't going to give me the money for the computer until I had secured a full time job.

At that point, I just gave up, and agreed.

Fast forward to now. I'm still working the part time job, I barely make enough to put a couple dollars into savings, no one is hiring me full time, and my dad hinted that, instead of doing presents for Christmas this year, we all agree to go on vacation somewhere. Not only that, but his family in Canada just told him they're going to Mexico in November. Not only is my dad implying we should go too and I should pay a portion of my own way, I have a further feeling he may say that this will be our Christmas as well. I still don't have the computer, even though my dad has noticed how much I'm struggling.

If I had the computer, I wouldn't have minded the vacation-- but I feel like my wants and feelings have been completely pushed aside in favor of what my dad thinks is good and/or right, and the wind has been taken out of my sails regarding my graduation entirely. On the other hand, maybe he's right that I focus too much on a material thing and should redirect my attention to an experience and go somewhere to relax/get away from daily life.

Am I a materialistic asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[sing-it-togetherzine]

F.A.Q*

I never participated in a zine before, what exactly are you expecting a “finished piece” to look like?

For artists, it depends on the artist and their style. For some it may mean fully rendered figures and backgrounds. For others it may mean a simpler background and colors. Everyone is going to have a different definition of “finished”. You want it to be presentable and nice to look at, not something you threw together without much thought. Try to think of what movie posters might look like, or phone/desktop wallpapers.

For authors, your story should have been edited at least once for spelling and grammar errors. Your story should be self-contained, a.k.a. a one-shot, with a beginning, middle, and resolution. There will be beta-readers available in a specific channel on discord, so if you need help and don’t want to ask anyone directly, you could always shoot a message there and someone will know to help.

Overall, it doesn’t hurt to apply! If you’re not sure what your “best example” work is, you can include a link to your blog/online portfolio (wherever you post art) and we’ll take a look.

Relationships aren’t always happy, can my piece be something besides fluff?

Within the limits of the PG rating, your piece can be happy/fluff, hurt-comfort, or angsty. Things that are generally not allowed for PG ratings include heavy violence/gore, heavy adult language, and explicit bedroom themes. Do you want to make us cry for Grandma Rosiepuff all over again? Bring it on.

What if I want to change my idea partway through the creation period?

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[knightyoomyoui]

(G)I-DLE Miyeon x M & F Reader - “The Woman Of My Dreams”

One of my longest one-shots ever made with 10,700+ word count! Enjoy... reading, I guess? Hehe...

The weekend is about to end tomorrow, but that won't stop you from continuously spending all of the free time you have with whatever you want to do that would provide you entertainment or relaxation.

One of them is to play video games on his desktop computer. Currently, your cousins have offered you an invitation, which you eagerly accepted.

The longing and anticipation to interact with them, at least for today, is what compelled you to join them.

Sitting on his comfortable gaming chair, he focusedly monitored his movements on Valorant, the game that he's playing, underlying on the instincts and strategized aspect that would be handy on securing a victory for their group.

"There's the one, it's heading to B guys."

One of your male cousins spoke to the mic. You are the only one left on your squad, while the opposite still has two more left.

You traveled around on the paths that would lead you to Base B, but as you were about to arrive there, you were met by an update saying that the team had already done the most crucial part of the gameplay.

"They planted the spike now. Be careful, YN."

You slowly checked if there may be traces found that will got them obvious of guarding the spike. Having nothing, you began to formulate a plan on how you will infiltrate the base without getting killed.

You still do believe that they're inside and they're just really good at hiding.

"Damn it, I'm taking the risk now guys." You breathed deeply for a few seconds before you executed the action, invading the base with 15 seconds remaining before the rounds ends.

Looking back and forth, YN then heard footsteps right away. He/she saw the enemy hiding near the crates, and killed it with a sniper.

"Go, YN! Cmon hurry!"

You were startled when you noticed that a damage took hit by your character Phoenix after getting slightly shot on the back.

9 seconds remaining.

Holding the keys and some quick shifts of the mouse, you rotated Phoenix quickly and aimed it at the last one before firing a shotgun at the player.

All wiped out, the cousins elicited a mix of joy and panic as they simulteanously shouted for you to disattach the spike.

Thankfully, it was 1 second left where you successfully did it. You won the game and all of you celebrated while sending their praises for YN's smart play.

"Nice game, YN. That was very close."

"Yeah, I actually thought I wouldn't make it." you chuckled.

"Nice clutch. The luck was on us, so let's just be grateful with it."

All of you agreed with it. Back at the lobby, you decided to fix your settings for a bit while waiting for them since there's one of them haven't pressed the ready button yet.

Chatting along with them about some randomized topics, your cousin returned and spoke on the mic to alert the rest.

"Sorry guys, just did a bathroom break. We can go-"

"Loveee, do you want some sandwiches?", a certain feminine person spoke in the background which could be clearly heard by all of you who are now smirking and having teaseful faces.

"Wait, what?"

"Sandwiches. I made some for us."

"Woah really?"

"Mmmhhmm go get some."

It was a brief silence for a while before that woman unexpectedly spoke for all of you.

"Oh, I'm sorry guys. I know you are playing with Beomgyu here. I didn't mean to interrupt of whatsoever."

"No, it's okay Shuhua. We get it." Taehyun said, who is one of your male cousins you are currently playing with.

"Hi, Shuhua!" you and Minnie who is your other cousin greeted.

"Hey guys!"

"Apology accepted only if you make us some sandwiches too next time we meet, okay?"

"Oh you guys." Shuhua laughed. "Come here anytime you guys want, that's a note taken."

"Thanks for this, love. It was so good."

You were listening to their conversation and couldn't help but alter your emotions in order to feel less happy of hearing the sweet sentiments they exchanged with one another.

You became curious again about what it truly feels like to be in your cousin's position and have a loving girlfriend accompany you with anything you may want to receive that would probably satisfy your needs and desires.

You couldn't help but be little envious of your cousin for already dating someone great. Knowing the issues you're facing, it appears that some fixation is still needed for you to become like him. Nevertheless, you still wanted to become like him one day.

"Glad you liked it. I'm going back there, continue playing with your cousins. Love you!"

"Thanks again for this, love you too!"

A sound of a door shutting close was heard. you closed the loadout and stopped your thoughts about that to focus back in the game.

"Damnit, Beomgyu. What's with the sudden slap of reality that we wouldn't be that lucky as you." Kai said, earning a hilarious response from the rest.

"It wasn't intentional, okay? And cmon guys, just find somebody around. Who knows, maybe you guys can be as blessed as I am now too. I don't want to be the only one left being like this from all of us, ya know." Beomgyu advised.

You wondered about that. It's not as easy as it looks, especially for a guy/girl like you who not a social person.

After another hour of playing with them, you cut off the call and ended the game. Thinking of wanting to get some rest, you head to the bedroom and slumped your body on the bed lazily, where you slowly fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Why are you crying? Tell me, please."

"You keep on ignoring me these past few days like I've done something wrong that I don't even recall doing one. Did I really do one?"

"N-No, you don't okay? I-"

"Then what is it? Everytime I see you away I can tell that there's something wrong. You don't even lay an eye on me if you wanted to or speak fluently if I try you to. Do you hate me now, YN?"

"Please, don't say it like that."

"You're making me feel lonely, YN. When I made myself to be youf friend, I thought that we would be nothing but happy with everything. But now, it feels like there's something changing again and I'm confused what to do to keep you from me. Are you gonna leave me, YN?"

"N-No, I don't! Please, listen to me-"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"WAAAAAHHH HUH... HAAGGHH... HA..."

You sprung your eyes up in a state of shock and petrified as you rose your body from the bed.

Looking around the room and at your clock, you noticed that it was still 2 o'clock early in the morning. The sky is still dark, with moonlight shining through the posts on the streets, illuminating your window.

For the nth time, you had this dream again of being with somebody you didn't even know or couldn't even identify. But judging by her appearance, she looks like a girl. She wears this dress that has different colors in every dream you have with her.

Everything is describable except for her face. Imagine it being blocked by strong sunlight. It was blank, but you knew that you had to do something to fill it up and reveal the answer.

The question though, is... how?

Anyway, you still feel sleepy, so you don't mind it that much for now. You considered it just one of your strange nights that bothered you. Returning back to your bed, you closed your eyes and proceeded with your peaceful slumber to doze off into the remaining hours ahead.

-------------------------------

You went to school without much help again with your parents, with your mom and dad both away from work. This is where you mostly learn how to be dependable to yourself and mature in your actions and mindset to support yourself on your own.

Fortunately, you have your grandmother with you, but as a request, you didn't want her to assist you too much because you feel like you will never learn how to stand up for yourself.

Additionally, you didn't want her to be disturbed or get tired just to do things for you that you could even do easily by yourself.

Despite the hesitation, she just agreed and didn't take it with hard feelings. She understood that you just wanted to be thoughtful of hers, so the only thing she can repay you for is to do the same for you as she monitors you around silently, just in case you struggled and there you will finally need some for her to do.

Back at the scene, you went to class early since it's Monday and there's a flag ceremony being held whenever it's the start of the school week again.

After that, you endured lengthy lectures from every professor about your three different subjects slated for the first half of your class schedule. The bell rang just in time for the instructor to distribute the required assignment.

Bringing your own lunch box to avoid spending most of your money, especially when you are saving up to buy a precious thing, you looked for a vacant spot and sat there.

As usual, you were all alone, just like you wanted, so you opened up your lunch box and prayed before scooping a spoonful and having your first munch.

While you were eating silently as you disregarded the numerous people in the same room as yours, you became oblivious enough not to be aware of this random girl suddenly appearing in front of you.

"That's a nice looking cooked lunch you have there." A girly voice spoke near at you. You paused your hand in mid-air when you heard that.

Looking upwards, you met a figure of a random schoolgirl with her tray filled with her orders being holded in her hands. "Uhh, I'm sorry?"

"Chicken nuggets with bacon and egg, that's a must win for sure!" The girl lets out one of the cheerful and mellow giggle you've ever heard in your entire life, but you didn't made it obvious because you still are trying to figure this out:

"May I know your concern why did you appear in my spot?"

"Correction: OUR spot." The girl placed her tray on the table and sat on the empty chair in front of you.

"What the- hey!"

"Thanks for the seat!"

Your face crumpled in confusion at the guts of this girl to just came up with her own doing without permission of somebody else. "Miss, I didn't even allowed you to seat with me. Leave."

"Aww that's sad of you, but don't you ever get bored of being alone?" The girl frowned. You look at her closely now that she's very near in front of you. Awe-struck and dumbfounded, you recognized this girl's beauty and adorable features.

She has pearly white skin, her cheeks are pinkish enough to be misintepreted that she always blushes at certain reasons, her black long hair organized neatly and that shiny smile she has displayed over you.

"I'm not. I've been doing this for a long time now and I got pretty used to it."

"Yeah, I know. I've been seeing you here every week, nothing but yourself eating on your own. I could tell that exactly that you ain't bothered anymore of being alone." The girl replied. You were quite surprised that she's already noticing you every day. It didn't crossed your mind that other would care about it as less as you do.

"You do?"

"Mmhmmm. I'm not being a stalker or what, huh! Just look around, you're the only one who doesn't have any classmates to eat with. I mean... no offense but, why didn't you just eat at the classroom?"

"My classmates always steal my food from me." You answered. "And my patience is thin so... I found the perfect place for me not to get interrupted."

"Ohhh... but still it doesn't look right that you are different than every one here." The girl began to take out the orders laid on the tray.

"I'm sorry, miss. I barely even know you, why does it bother you that much?"

"Because...

.... I want to be your friend."

"What?"

"You heard me." The girl smugged. "I've been wanting to do this but now that I've seeing you frequently without having change was enough for me to do it so... I took the move now then."

"Sorry, miss. I appreciate the concern but I'm truly fine, really. You can have some other students there as your friend. They'll need it more." You said with a forced apologetic smile as you start comsuming the last remaining portions you have in your plate. "Please, leave."

"Oh... okay then. If that's what you want." The girl pouted and brought her orders back on the tray and she stands up on her seat. "I didn't meant to be rude but... hey, my names Miyeon. How about you?"

"I won't gonna tell, please just go away." You avoided her look as you continued to focus on your food.

"Fine. I might failed today but I'm getting it soon anyway." The girl whose name is Miyeon shrugged. "But take this as my word, mister. I won't going to stop! As much as you like or not, Cho Miyeon is going to be your friend from now on!"

She raised her fist to the sky and left joyfully, returning to her original position. You were left gawking and furrowing your eyebrows as you were astonished at how authoritarian this Miyeon is.

You may be skilled at pretending, but you couldn't lie deep within yourself that Miyeon successfully had you built a fascination for her.

The bell chimes again to signify that class resumes. Recess is over, so you left your spot and walked through the hallway. You noticed that Miyeon speedily walked ahead of you, watching her skip and hum softly as she entered her classroom. You realized that hers was just next to you.

When the class ended, it was bad timing that the heavy rainfall advisory that was announced earlier in the news arrived at noontime. You forgot to bring an umbrella, so you cursed under your breath and defeatedly watched the other students freely escape the campus with their belongings.

"How am I going to get home early with this? Should I call grandma? Nah... I don't want her to get sick. Ugh, now I'm going to stay here for I don't know how long. I'm pretty tired now; I want to rest already," You muttered to yourself.

As you kept on watching the rain fall hardly to the wet and soaked ground, you were startled when an umbrella opened beside you. You look it up to see who owns that hand that holds it, and to your surprise, it was Miyeon who is smiling again at you just like she did earlier.

"Forgot to bring yours huh."

"W-what are you doing here?"

"Uhh, going home?" Miyeon replied, it sounded sarcastic so you couldn't help but to begun doubting her.

"Are you stalking me, Miyeon?"

"Oooh now calling me with my name huh, that's better." Miyeon giggled. You almost get lost again by that soothing sound. "And what did I say back in the recess, I wasn't intentionally stalking you. It happens that we have this... great timing between us to caught up with one another."

"Ugh, whatever you say." You shook your head.

"Don't believe me? I was just late because I had to help my professor check our tests today. You can ask hin if y-"

"Yeah yeah, alright fine. I believe you now. No need."

"See, that was easy." Miyeon smirked. "Don't try to be arrogant, YN. If that works with others, that won't be the same for me."

"I-I'm not..." you gritted your teeth and grunted. "Argh, you're annoying. I didn't even asked for you to come here, act like my friend and accompany me."

"You sure you don't want to?" Miyeon looked at you before she side-eyed the heavy rain outside while she wiggles her umbrella.

"N-No." You looked away from her.

"Are you sure? Huhhh okay then, I'm going now. I hope you finally get home after 3 hours of waiting, I heard that the rain will s-"

She was about to step on the staircase when you quickly made her halt.

"No, wait! Stop, f-fine! C-can I join you under your umbrella?"

Miyeon grinned and raised it above her head. "There you go. Now get on my side!"

You embarassingly went beside her and tried to adjust your weight at Miyeon's level of holding the umbrella. "I-I just don't have any other choice, okay? Don't take this like I still accept your initiation."

"Yeah yeah whatever you say, YN." Miyeon rolled her eyes and mischieviously smickered at you. "You're welcome, by the way."

You shook your head at her mockery as a payback for what you did to her.

As you and Miyeon started to walk through the middle of the rain, you can feel the coldness through your skins and your socks and shoes getting soaked.

You sensed Miyeon's hand starting to be challenged with the force of the heavy rainfall dripping down to the surface of the umbrella that causes it to be pressed down and sway unsteadily.

You didn't want the girl to bring you both into a much difficult situation by possibly dropping or slipping down the umbrella in her hold that could cause you both getting bathed in the rain so you did what it had to be done and possibly get sick.

You don't want her to be sick and cost her attendance.

"Let me." You patted Miyeon's hand on the handle. She looked upon you as she felt that slight touches of your fingers to her skin.

"I'll be holding it. You can't take this longer. Just... hold on to me if you want, don't stay out and wet yourself from the rain."

Miyeon slowly lends the umbrella to you, listening to your suggestion. Being the one holding it, you strengthened your arm so that it can handle the pressure of the raindrops.

Feeling a bit shy and grateful at the same time, Miyeon slowly moves her hands on the arm you are using and gripped it with just a right tightness.

"Thank you, YN. I didn't know you were this gentleman too, huh."

"Stop teasing me Miyeon. I'm just doing this because I don't want us to get sick because you accidentally let go of the umbrella with your shaky hand." You said while you remain your glance on the direction you both are heading too.

"So, we'll be going to your house first then."

"Ofcourse, you own the umbrella."

"Yay, so I get to see your house also today? Woah, isn't that cool that we just became friends today and now I'm here with you on the way to your place?!"

"Again, I'm not your friend, Miyeon. I'm just letting you do the favor because I needed it."

"Heh. He's still in denial" Miyeon blurted in her mind.

"Sure, YN. You don't really sound exactly like you're approaching a friend for that." Miyeon winked and nuzzled her head at your arm which taken you aback and confusingly get flustered at her action.

All you have to do is sigh and endure this new company you're having with Miyeon.

Despite all of your stubborn remarks that went against Miyeon's desire to be friends with you, those engagement that you did along with her conversations she had with you along your trails beneath the rain that slowly builds the closeness between you and her says otherwise.

Then few days later, you had to finally submit as you admitted to Miyeon that you acknowledge her now as your friend. Your very first official friend around the campus.

She's just too irresistable and "annoying", that's why.

2 MONTHS LATER

Your friendship with Miyeon became broad as it developed over time with your daily interactions with each other. Ever since you finally decided to be her friend, she couldn't leave you alone unattended with her attention.

You could tell it was exaggerated now, but you don't really mind at all at the same time. In fact, she was helping you in some other way. It's not a big deal to you because, at some point, you needed her presence, whether physically or maybe through some social media where you two stay connected with each other.

At least she knows what to do and how to adjust if she observes. If you were in a bad mood, she just let you burst out whatever you wanted to release from this uncomfy feeling that you'd been containing inside of you. Miyeon has become the trustworthy person to whom you can open up about your personal troubles.

If you needed entertainment, she was just right there, all ready to join your fun, whatever you wanted, which was playing video games. It was even better to know that she's a gamer girl and loves anime. Both of you correlate with each other, and that's impressive to think about.

Sometimes, it makes you wonder if meeting someone like her was a coincidence or meant to happen. It was like meeting yourself but in the form of another person, and you can't even describe how compatible you feel because of Miyeon.

With all that, it's safe to say that you've actually grown to like all of these things that you're having with Miyeon. This annoying, playful, bubbly girl who just invaded your space turns out to be a blessing in disguise in your life.

Today was an event currently being held on your campus. This requires all the students to participate, so that being said, it allowed everyone to be free from their class. Technically speaking, it was just like you went to school today only to hang out with your classmates... and of course, that unescapable friend of yours who has been nowhere to be seen for 3 hours now after you last saw each other in the locker area.

"You could've sold some of your collections, man" your classmate named Yeonjun said to your other classmate named Soobin. You three were sitting at the kiosk, doing a multiplayer game for the third and final round.

"I know, but it's hard if I'm not fully decided to do it. I know some were just a waste of space in my room, but at the same time I couldn't let it go because it was too special to me. Those were original qualities, guys" Soobin replied while moving his thumbs around the screen of his phone.

"Man, if only I have that much of a money I would've bought yours right away. Your One Piece figurines were sick man." Yeonjun said. "We're friends anyway, Bin. Can you just give it to me if you al-"

"Hep hep! Nah, that's the line there. Yes, I can borrow it to you though but giving it away... I can't waste that much of a money by just giving it away." Yeonjun declined. "No offense, man."

"It's fine I was just kidding anyways." Soobin rippled his lower lip. You were still listening to their conversation while your concentration remains intact to the game which was effective to bring yourselves into victory.

"Nice one, YN! Good game guys."

"Well that was easy."

"Good thing their team wasn't that skilled, haha." You said before turning off your phone.

"Hey, lets go visit those booths there. I'm getting invested to see what they have in store for the students to buy. Lets go?" Soobin suggested. You and Yeonjun agreed, leaving the kiosk and walking your way towards the open ground in front of the accountancy building.

You've seen the products from those student entrepreneurs that indeed holds up various reasons on why these should be bought and gain and income to this idea they had.

From milkshakes, to old clothes, to jewelries and many more... the students have many to choose.

There were some other booths that only provides entertainment service for students to try, and the example you were seeing at is this booth that gives everyone an opportunity to do a-

"Wedding pictorial?" Yeonjun reads the placard. "So... does this mean-"

"They need two students, one each for boys and girls that can act as two wedding couples for a pictorial."

"Oh I see, so this is simply for students who wants to take a chance to have a pictures with their crushes but in a daring way, huh." You elaborated.

"Like that."

The three of you saw a female student and a male dressed in a tuxedo and a wedding gown with flowers on their hands. They went to a stand that shows a background suited for a wedding.

All of the students cheered and screamed in flattery as they witnessed the two seem to like each other mutually and finally have a picture with each other.

As they were finished, they removed the props, and you followed the sight of the girls, and you figured out that it was one of Miyeon's classmates who was also at the booth with you.

"Both of us had our picture now, come on Miyeon you can't be the only one left behind!" one of her classmates named Soyeon shook her arm.

"B-but I don't have a crush-"

"Then just fake it out and look for somebody! We should all be fair with each other so you better find one for you too, Miyeon."  her other classmate who just previously tried the pictorial named Yuqi insisted.

While there's other students who are having a picture in the booth, that gave Miyeon a few more time to find. Fortunately, as she roamed her eyes, it landed on a perfect option that she had.

Actually, it was pretty stupid that she didn't think of this guy knowing that he's the only boy she's close with.

Miyeon ran and tugged your arm while you are observing the toys displayed from the other booth.

"W-what the- Miyeon?"

"Follow me!"

"Eh? W-where are you taking me you crazy girl! Get your hands away!"

You tried to remove her arm but despite of this girl's thin physique, her grip is actually strong and unescapable.

You concede defeat as she pushed you to the booth where the same wedding concept is being done.

"Oh no." You immediately answered and tried to leave but Miyeon blocked your way.

"Pleaseee~ just one, YN." Miyeon looked up at you and pleaded.

"Miyeon we could have a picture but not in this?!"

"My classmates wants me to try it too, I'm the only one in the group who doesn't have one yet. Can you help me?"

"Miyeon, I said no. Where are they? I'll talk with them."

"Pleaseee, YN? Just once, promise! Let's try this."

"Miyeon, this is just for people who have feeli-"

"Hey, are you two gonna take the turn or what?" One of the student entrepreneurs asked irritably, interrupting your conversation.

"I'll make it up to you, I swear." Miyeon quickly whispered. "For now, let's get married and be my groom."

"Whaaa?"

"We'll take it!" Miyeon yelled and the crowd cheered, including your respective classmates who are very intrigued and supportive with this.

"OOOHHH YES! LET'S GOOO YN!"

"AAAAAAAAA YN?! I KNEW THAT IT'S HIM, MIYEON!"

"Look what you did." You hissed as you dressed yourself up

"Hehe, oops." Miyeon fakely made herself accountable.

You and she walked outside the backroom and stepped out with your props. The photographer directed you both to stick at each other very close and pretend like you two just married each other today.

Miyeon cuddled your arm, and you slowly pressed the side of your head against hers. Everyone was just shrieking and howling in madness at how unaware they were that you both looked incredible together.

You glanced Miyeon aside for a moment, and you saw her large grin on her face and her supple touch on your arms as you viewed her in a wedding-like attire. She was undeniably magnificent and gorgeous. How much more if you saw her up close with you in a real wedding gown, having her married with you?

Your eyes widened and then blinked rapidly as you sweeped away that thought. You began asking yourself mentally why did you even had that kind of idea? She's your friend, damnit. That was a curse directed for yourself.

"Kid, are you good now?" The photographer asked for clarification.

"Y-yes, sir."

"Alright, on three. One, two, three!"

The camera flashed as the photographer captured an image of you and Miyeon together. You were confused about why the screams went louder after that.

You both removed the props before you joined Miyeon to look at the picture.

In your bewilderment, you saw a result far from what you were expecting.

Miyeon changed her pose in the last second, where she faced you and pursed her lips while closing her eyes, almost touching your cheek.

As you looked back at Miyeon. She nodded and hummed in satisfaction.

"Well, that worked." She gave you a thumbs up before she immediately ran back to her classmates who began to tease her more. You just stared as she disappeared in your eyes, not minding Yeonjun and Soobin teasing you also, as you were so preoccupied with what just Miyeon did to you.

When you two walk yourselves on the way home, you and her would just talk again at each other about some topics that would have yourselves get related with.

"Wait, can you wait here for a second? I'll just have to buy a medicine." She excused herself as she went through the pharmacy store where you two just stopped in front of.

You waited for her like she told you to, gradually browsing at your phone for a while before she returns back to your side and continue walking along with her.

Reaching the roads where you and her would be seperating ways, she faced you as you led yourselves at the corner of the sidewalk.

She reached for her pocket and opened her wallet where she reached and placed on her hand the fake wedding picture you two had earlier and lend it to you.

You felt a bit awkward facing her after what happened earlier. You thought she won't gonna make a reference of it during your talk with her so you decided to just go with the flow instead but here you two are and there's no dodging it now.

"About earlier, I'm sorry for what I did." Miyeon said as you reached the picture from her. "I thought that it will make it realistic so I tried, but ofc I know that would be entirely against you so... I just pretended like I would give you a kiss. But still, thanks for joining me despite how I humiliated ourselves earlier."

You looked at the picture again then at her. "I wasn't angry about it, Miyeon. Don't overthink about it. I do like it though. Atleast in ours, we put a little twist so yeah... I like it."

Miyeon nodded and smiled in relief. "That's good. Okay, well let's go home now. See you tomorrow! Bye, YN!"

"Bye, Miyeon. Be safe." You smiled and waved back at her as you two went to your directions.

After Miyeon enters her house, she smiled and was overwhelmed that you also share the same approval of that moment you two just shared.

4 MONTHS LATER

You and Miyeon just finished your third year in college. Only a year remains before you and she finally finish your studies and achieve that master's degree that will help you both further label yourselves as professionals in your chosen specialization.

However, this may be a thrilling and more encouraging year for the both of you. But bad luck made its entrance into your lives when things started to transform into a difficult situation for you two.

"You got it?" You asked Miyeon and shown her the registration form in your hand which you will receive after filling up the enrollment form that will be presented to you after reaching your turn in the line.

"Yeah, I have it." Miyeon softly waves the piece of paper in her hand.

"Let's go, where do you want to eat first?" You asked her as you joined her side as you leave the building.

"At the-" Miyeon lets out heavy breaths before continuing, but it was still uncomplete when she elicited another batch of heavy breaths in between. Her speaking has gone low because of her volume either.

"Miyeon, are you okay?" You asked her worriedly. Based on your observation she looks so exhausted, dried up and lame. Her face just shows pale expression and no sign of uplift at all.

"I'm good. I'm good, thanks for as-"

"Miyeon? MIYEON!" You suddenly exclaimed when Miyeon collapsed beside your leg. You kneeled and inspected her, her eyes are still open but barely moving.

Raising up her arms and gently tapped at her face, you asked her once again. "Miyeon, hey. Stay awake, okay? Here, drink some water."

You offered your tumbler which still has coldness on the water inside. You helped Miyeon to drink, lifting the container and hold it in place to support her mouth.

Carrying her with ease, you brought her down in one of the benches which you helped her fix her sitting position. You wiped the sweat around her neck, head and arms and used the folder of your documents as a handfan to give her more air.

"You okay? How are you feeling, Miyeon?"

"I-I don't know, I just got tired... again.' Miyeon unenergetically responded. You probably guessed that she was very nervous and the hot atmosphere of this sunny afternoon wasn't contributing well to her state that's why she got drained immediately from the amount of heat and stress she had to endure.

"I'm going to take you home, okay? Let's just go out some other day. You have to rest for now." Miyeon just nodded understandably. You crouched in front of her, your back facing her.

"Hold onto me, I'll piggyback you."

"But YN, I can walk-...."

"Don't make me repeat again, Miyeon."

Miyeon placed her arms around your neck and you tightened its lock before you placed your hands underneath her thighs as you carried her body until you got both of you grab a ride on a bus.

Knocking in her house, her mother answered the call. She became very concerned just when she saw you having her daughter who looks very unwell.

"What happened to her?!"

"She just collapsed when we are about to exit the school, Mrs. Cho. I figured she was very dizzy and intensely tired. Have she eaten already?"

"She did took a lunch but I don't know she got weak. Oh, no. Could it be... a-anyways I'll take care of this here. Thank you for escorting my daughter, YN."

"You're welcome, Mrs. Cho." You gently bowed before you slowly lowered down Miyeon on your back with her mother helping her.

"I-I'm sorry, YN..."

"No, get well soon Miyeon. Take care of your health for now. We can have it again next time." You patted her head before you left her with her mother.

As a commitment to your promise for her, you went out in the weekend just a day after Miyeon had a proper rest. You enjoyed your free time with her through strolling outside and explore new places where both made more moments together.

While you and her were taking a break after hours of shopping at the grass outside the mall where the playground for kids were also located, you were just watching videos on Facebook while eating your ice cream when you felt a weight on your shoulder.

You glanced to the side, witnessing Miyeon who already fell asleep with her head laying atop of your shoulder.

Her phone was left open in her phone, displaying her home screen, but what struck you the most is that the wallpaper she's using was a picture of you and her from the recognition day of your classes, holding your respective medals hanging around your neck.

You were touched that she's making reasons to express how proud she is to see you as her beloved friend, but you can't depict if that's the same reason brought by the happiness you were feeling after seeing your photo with her.

Your hand reached up to her newly dyed pink hair and gently stroked it, swaying some strands that were blocking her face and there she was, her full beauty exposed only reserved for you to be seen up close.

Here you are again, secretly praising how beautiful and unreal features. If only you could tell this to her straightforward without sounding suspicious, you would've done it right away.

Because she earns it. She deserves every compliments for a nice girl like her.

Even in her asleep, she still manages to look breathtaking. Everything she does is already exceptional for you, and it was just plain insane to think about it.

As you were about to remove the phone from her hand, your hand paused on its movement and just stayed on top of it. It came to your attention that your heartbeat increased, your skin shivered, blood rushed aggressively, and your cheeks were numbing at the red tint forming that you couldn't even see.

Looking back at Miyeon, you created questions inside your head about whether this feeling you're still having isn't mutual to each other's friendship anymore. This time, you are the only one who's starting to grow a deeper admiration and love for her than the friendly relationship you have with her.

You quickly removed your hand from her and placed her phone away for safety. Looking away at her and staring up at the night sky, you gulped and released a heavy sigh at the thoughts forming in your head.

Days later, Miyeon gets to notice that you are beginning to avoid her, either making up excuses not to participate with her, acting cold, or pretending like you don't know her.

It was worse than the attitude he was trying to pull off when she first met you and offered her welcoming friendship to you. She knows that she was just trying to keep your walls up as you think about the decision to let her be close to you because you never experienced having an actual friend to get along with.

But this time, it was just like you were forcing yourself for no particular or obvious reason. Miyeon was completely clueless as to what drives you to act differently again toward her.

That's why when you joined her after days of not being around her like you always used to do, she couldn't hold her worry and frustration anymore.

You were still silent because you've been sensing Miyeon's unusual blank demeanor. You couldn't able to have her engage in a conversation especially that you are the introverted one. As much as you wanted to talk with her, you instead decided to give her some space as it seems like she's not in a good mood.

"Goodbye, Miyeon. Let's play later if you don't have assignments like me, alright?" You said to her.

Before you're about to continue walking, you heard Miyeon calling your name from behind.

You turned around, and it surprised you to see her eyes with pool of tears, one just dropped across her face.

"Miyeon? What's wrong?" You stepped forward, inching your gap with her.

"What did I do, YN?" She asked you sadly.

"Why are you crying? Tell me, please."

"You keep on ignoring me these past few days like I've done something wrong that I don't even recall doing one. Did I really do one?" She sulked, removing her view as she couldn't bear to stare at you after what you've done to her.

"N-No, you don't okay? I-"

"Then what is it? Everytime I see you away I can tell that there's something wrong. You don't even lay an eye on me if you wanted to or speak fluently if I try you to. Do you hate me now, YN?" Her voice cracked, painfully cracking your heart a bit.

"Please, don't say it like that."

"You're making me feel lonely, YN. When I made myself to be your friend, I thought that we would be nothing but happy with everything. But now, it feels like there's something changing again and I'm confused what to do to keep you from me. Are you gonna leave me, YN?"

"N-No, I don't! Please, listen to me." You hold both of her arms and caressed it. "I just had a trouble about figuring myself. It's in me, you don't have anything to do with it, Miyeon. That's it, and I needed some alone time to figure and settle it on my own."

"Why couldn't you just tell me that you do, YN? You know I would be willing to adjust for you while I wait when you need me fir help. Have you forgot?"

To be honest, you did and that's where it hit the spot of your guilt.

"I'm sorry, Miyeon." You bowed your head.

Miyeon sighed and placed her hand on your shoulder. "Are you being insecure, discouraged of yourself again?"

"W-what?" You asked her, a glimpse of shock was evident when she described accurately what you've been hiding from her.

You just joined her today after you calmed down and solved your problem of making convulsive and negative insights and possibilities of why a girl like Miyeon would never fall in love with you as you are.

This has been the issue why you couldn't find a friend easily. and preventing yourself from getting attached to somebody who marks everything that will win over your interest.

All of it was shattered by Miyeon, and I don't know what to do with this feeling. You had to compose yourself again so that you wouldn't make any slight mistakes that would reveal your admiration for Miyeon and make all of your worries manifest into reality.

"Even if I wouldn't know the reason I can see it through your eyes, YN." Miyeon said. "I told you before and it will remain similar. No matter how much you look down at yourself, it will be nothing to me. I will stay because I wanted to... and you needed it, YN. I've seen you improve and everybody around us could see it. I made myself to be your friend because it was a choice that I never regretted to do."

Miyeon holds your hand and locked it on her hold. Your heartbeat quickened at the touch and her appreciating look she's been giving at you.

"So please, don't regret yourself or me that we met, okay? Be happy and just be free like me, like the time and world is in our hands." Miyeon patted your hand and smiled sweetly.

You nodded and formed an upright curve in your lips in return. "I will."

Miyeon pulled you into a hug, pressing her head on your chest as you snuggled your chin on the crook of her neck. You let yourself be subdued by the warmth of her comforting embrace, and with your grateful prayers and wishes being sent above in heaven, you let a wonderful person like Miyeon enter your life.

That peaceful understanding and make-up that you two had brought back the liveliness and the effects of the dynamics that Miyeon has instilled in you

You proceeded to catch up those few days ago when you separated yourself from Miyeon just so you could get rid again of all these negativities and overthinking that you've been getting ever since that night when you felt different touching Miyeon's hand and how your perspective altered about her beauty.

Treating her to wherever she wants the both of you to try, going around to such places, and even tutoring her about some subjects that she's struggling with.

It was just like what you two always do together, and it was always nice. Something you can't ruin.

However, those good times didn't last much longer when both of you encountered another problem to take seriously, and this might have been the most frightened and anxious you've ever been for Miyeon.

Right as you exited the campus after the class ended, without having your best friend with you, you received a phone call from her mother.

You were notified by bad news that Miyeon was just sent to a hospital today, and she knows you will definitely be coming for her once you know, so she didn't waste more time to inform you.

That's exactly what you did. For the first time, you've never been this panicked after leaving the class. You hurriedly ran and traveled all the way into the hospital that was mentioned to you.

Searching for the rooms, you finally united with her mother, who was waiting outside.

"What happened to her?"

"YN...." Mrs. Cho squeezed your wrists as she cried. You just stared at her as you waited for the next words to come out. "I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I don't want to lose my daughter too."

"Why? Is Miyeon sick? What's her condition?" You asked frantically.

"She is. But I think it's better if you hear it from her and discuss it." Mrs. Cho said. Your chest felt tightened as your body goes weaker at hearing that information. It's been a prediction of yours that there's something wrong with Miyeon ever since she collapsed back in the enrollment day, but you didn't expect that this would've gone worse and that will have you to see her in such inappopriate place for you.

"She's currently resting after the doctors took a check up on her. She'll wake up soon." Mrs. Cho then urges you to go inside the room where she excused herself to buy some food on the convenience store.

As what she said, more than 10 minutes later Miyeon shortly woke up from the hospital bed. You saw her eyes blink carefully and you rushed to her side.

"Miyeon. Hey, buddy. I'm here." You said, placing your hand atop of her torso.

"Y-YN?" Miyeon called your name lamely. "You came..."

"Yeah ofcourse I do, I worried so much about you after your mom called me that you're confined." You kneeled beside her. "She told me that you were sick, Miyeon. Of what? May I know, please? Cause truly, I hate to see you being like this."

"So she already mentioned to you about it." Miyeon sighed and closed her eyes. "Alright, YN. I'll give you the answer. I don't have any more time left to hide this from you."

"What haven't you telling me yet?"

"I'm sorry, YN." Miyeon said, reaching for your hand which you grabbed it and locked it on your hold. "I'm sorry if I'm... going to make you sad."

"I don't care about it, Miyeon. It's just a part of our life. Happiness isn't the only mood that exists, we also go through dark times in our phase. And I believe it's better to be sad at something I know than assuming something that is not." you said to her.

Miyeon smiled at you. "You really are okay now..."

"I always think of you, that's why. It wouldn't be possible if it's not because of you, Miyeon. You inspire me to be better."

Miyeon's teardrop fell from her eye as she nodded. "I know, and you encourage me to fight for what's right. That's why I'm still trying to take care of myself on battling my heart condition."

Your whole senses felt like it zoomed away from your conscience as you intepreted the enormous state of shock that ever striked on you after learning what Miyeon just revealed to you.

"A what?"

"My heart... it isn't what you think, YN." Miyeon tightlipped. "Even my lifeline."

"W-what do you mean? Y-you... Miyeon, so this is..."

"I had it since I was born, YN. My father had it, and now you know why he wasn't around anymore with me and mom." You tilted away to avoid that truth. "I inherited his condition and it was passed through me YN and what happened to him, I can have it too. The doctors thought before that I won't be going to reach 20's... but it's a miracle that I'm still fine, yet again it happened to me again and now I'm thinking twice now if-"

"No, no. Miyeon, you say that your time is limited but like you said, look at you. You are 26 years old now. 6 years, you surpassed that supposed end of the line for you. That means, you can still handle it whenever it occurs, and you will be going to be fine in repeat." You said to her. "As long as you continue living, all you have to do is to enjoy the rest of it."

"About that, I was reminded of something that I can share to you too." Miyeon smiled at the recall while looking softly at you. "I knew I had to do it, when I learnt that it's bad for me to apply pressure on myself, I always remind myself to be joyful and calm. Until I saw you..."

Miyeon rubbed her hand on top of yours, soothing you. "Lonely, gloomy, bland. You were the opposite of me, and I hated to see the very thing that I am preventing myself to be at. Do you know the other reason why I became so interested to meet you, YN?

It's because you helped me realize how can I use my happiness and the remaining time I have with a purpose. That's why I pushed myself to become your friend, YN. I want to accomplish one last thing in my life, and that is to make you happy just as I did to myself.

So please, promise me. Once I'm gone, continue to put smile on other's faces, but don't ever forget about sparing one for yourself, YN. For now... stay, and continue to show me how I've changed you."

You shed your tears that you couldn't contains fron the emotions forcing to escape inside of you. It sucks so hard that you reached the point and such unlikeable scenario that you have to witness and listen to your friend sending her final wishes to you just in case her suffering conquers her.

"Can it still be saved through a surgery?"

"I think so. They did it on my dad, before... but I don't know if it will be successful on me unlike him." She shrugged.

"We don't quite sure, then." You understood. Miyeon wiped your tears with her hands, you curled it and laid your head on her knuckles. "It still doesn't matter to me. I'll never leave, Miyeon. I'll be here to support you anytime. That's what.... friends are for, right?"

You took a pause before saying the word. You've been wanting to improve more than that, but you had to remain cautious.

Both grinned at each other. You joined Miyeon to rest again until Mrs. Cho arrived back at the room with the packed foods in her hands.

A few days ago, you received news from her mother that she agreed with their relatives to bring Miyeon to the States to undergo her surgery after the recommendation that it was the perfect place with complete equipment to perform the surgery successfully and attain a higher chance of survival for Miyeon.

Although it's saddening that you won't be able to see Miyeon for how long it has to be, you just reminded to yourself that you don't have to be selfish and her health is the number one priority here. It was always been the important part after all this time, and it was so relieving that you were able to help her along despite without your knowledge, which was pretty impressive to realize.

You are now at the airport with your family, joining Miyeon and her family on their departure so that you both can say goodbye properly to each other.

You and Miyeon faced at each other. "I'm going to miss you, YN."

"Me too, Miyeon. Good luck on the surgery, okay? I'll be here waiting for you to come back."

"I am, and you will me better than ever before." Miyeon smiled.

"You should be, because I have a gift for you when you return."

"What could it be? You're making me excited already, YN!"

"It's unique, that's all I can say." You chuckled. Miyeon invites you to a hug and you reciprocated it.

"Goodbye for now, Miyeon-ah. You can do it, okay? Fighting!"

"HAHAHAHA, I'll fight for you, YN."

As she lets go from the embrace, you were dumbfounded when Miyeon performed a quick peck of a kiss to your cheek. Your chest throbs rapidly, mood blooms and ou felt more alive than ever today because of that heartfelt gesture.

"Goodbye, YN! I won't be away for long!"

She waves her hand at you while her mother nods also. Joining your parents, you watched them slowly disappear from your sights as your hopes grew stronger and bigger that she could endure and overcome this challenge she's currently facing personally.

A few weeks later, you were inserting your things into your locker while your classmates Yeonjun and Soobin narrated to you the entire plot of the new game they just bought.

They invited you to join them after you went to the mall to check out the new collectibles and arcade shop that is scheduled to open tomorrow, and you didn't hesitate to agree since you would also be craving to see it on your own.

While you three are conversing, you felt your phone vibrate. Upon checking, it was a phone call coming from your mother.

You answered it right away, excusing yourself to your classmates for a moment and they immediately understood.

"Hello, mom?"

You furrowed your eyebrows when you heard her shuddering breaths.

"Mom?"

"Y-YN..."

"Yes, mom. I'm here. Why did you call?"

"I'm sorry, honey." Her mother was stiffling a sob. "Listen to me first, okay? Don't engage once you hear it-"

"Mom, please. What is it? I'm getting nervous right now. Why are you being like this?" You said anxiously, your breathing starts to go heavy.

"It's about Miyeon, YN." Your mother said. Your fingers went stiff from grasping the phone. "Her mother called me few minutes ago and she told me that... Miyeon's gone."

Everything went blurry, awfully quiet and unresponsive to you as you suddenly crashed in the ground, slipping at the locker door on your back, dropping the phone in your hand. Your classmates and other students around the hallway were startled at what happened to you.

"Hey, YN? Yo, dude what happened?"

"YN, what's wrong man?"

Yeonjun and Soobin were taken aback when you punched the floor and screamed in agony as you let out the hardest cry you've ever released.

As you went home, you were greeted by a comforting hug from your mother as you let yourself weaken and pour out all the pain that you've felt.

That wasn't even the worst part, as you learned next from your mother the additional details of Miyeon's sudden death. She told you that Miyeon, Mrs. Cho, and her aunt were on their way to the hospital when they got involved in a car accident caused by a drunk driver operating a truck.

Mrs. Cho and the aunt suffered injuries, but the large impact of the crash brought a shock to Miyeon that was unable for her enlargening heart to sustain, causing it to fail in functioning and pronounce it her cause of death just now.

A week later at Miyeon's burial, as you just stared brokenheartedly at her newly created grave, her mother approached to you.

"She gave this to me while we're staying at the hotel. Miyeon told me that if ever something bad happens to her, she wants to me to give this you." Mrs. Cho who is more devastated then you, losing both her husband and her only daughter with the same complication,  said as she hands you a white envelope.

You reached it from her and slowly opened it. It was a handwritten letter made by her. You read the contents of it silently.

Dear YN,

            Hey there, my number one buddy! I know I've said to you that I'll come back once this is all over, but still I have made a back up once the unfortunate has come to get me during this battle that I'm having with my vulnerable heart, and if you're reading this right now... I don't want to mention but I have to be clear. This only means that I failed you. I'm gone forever and I won't be back anymore, but whatever happens; it won't stop me for saying what I want to say all dedicated to my one true bestfriend, which is you.

         Thank you so much that even though my proposal of my friendship to you was forceful and a bit threatening, you still gave it an attempt. Look at where we are now, I told you that I would be real for you, and you did the same for me. I think that's the reason why our bond became stronger, because we discovered our flaws with each other and we helped each other to change all of that. As I said, all I want to for you to be better. And you were always a great guy in my eyes, YN. It's a no shocker that I fell in love with you. Tadaaa, now you know my secret. Well, that's one of the reasons why I made this letter, so that I could tell you what I actually feel for you once I couldn't come back and unable to say this to you in person.

        I like you a lot, YN. And I know you do. It's so obvious of you, you know? I find it funny and impressive how you still manage to endure all of that by showing this tough shell of yours. But I get it, I know there' a reason. You're just scared as me. That's why I couldn't confess to you earlier because I know you deserve better. And probably your own reason is that this boundaries and insecuries of yours are still present, maybe that's why you couldn't even face me because you're looking lowly of yourself while believing that you've already fallen for me. It's interesting right? We both share the same thought that we both deserve better. But anyway, I don't mind it. I still have this precious thing and that is called friendship, atleast... with this I could still prove and show to you how I love you with all my heart that will remain stuck on you.

       Before I end this letter, I just want you to do me one last favor, YN. Please visit her grave anytime you want and never forget me. That way, I could take it as an alternate way to see you from above that you love me too.

      Until we see each other again, buddy.

                                                                                                            Love,                                                                                                            Miyeon

You broke down in tears as you fell into the grassy land, just below her grave, filled with a mixture of bittersweet emotions, being delighted, grateful, and touched by her kind and heartwarming remarks about this whole awesome journey you two had been on, while on the other side, there's the guilt, grief, and torment that you didn't get to confess your true feelings to his only best friend and admirer before it was too late, unlike she did.

10 YEARS LATER

You are now currently working as an IT technician in one of the largest programming companies in South Korea.

You may be mostly busy in your professional life, but you still tried your best to allow and reserve free time to connect with your loved ones: your parents, your grandma, your friends Yeonjun and Soobin who now works as game developers, while Soyeon and Yuqi are now one of the most famous performers in SK, Mrs. Cho and her relatives and most importantly: her.

You always visit Miyeon's grave whenever you wanted to, just like her final request which you remember every single day.

Today is her birthday, you went to her grave last after all of her loved ones visited her earlier.

You looked down on her grave, the expensive tombstone standing on it with a lovely picture of her back in college placed on a frame.

                                                CHO MIYEON      Gone but never forgotten as she remains alive within our hearts forever.

                               January 31, 1997 - July 25, 2023

You placed the birthday cake and some balloons that you're bringing with you beside her tombstone.

"Happy birthday, Miyeon." You greeted her before lighting up the candles.

"10 years and counting now, huh. But I'm still here just like you asked me too. I stayed, and I'm still waiting patiently for my time to come where I can see you again someday." You said, your nose gets stingy as your eyes starts to become watery.

"Thank you for existing and having the pleasure to meet you, where you taught me how is it like to have a true friend... and to fall in love with you. It was all once in my imaginations, so thank you... for bringing it all to reality, even though... it didn't last longer as we expect to be."

You recalled all of the memories that you had with her, but what struck you the most was the necklace you're wearing.

You opened the locket, revealing that it was your fake wedding couple photo with her back in college, which was actually her last gift to you along with the letter she wrote from you inside the envelope given to you by Mrs. Cho 10 years ago. It's such a wasted wish that you won't be able to recreate this moment with her. If she ever did come back, you would've shown her the gift of your love for her, given her a chance to be your girlfriend, proposed to her, and married her without any pretend. Miyeon would be such a lovely wife to have, for sure.

As you looked at her appearance, you also remembered that time back at the mall where she slept on your shoulder. The picture she had on her wallpaper at that time was also the one you're using now.

It brought you back to your very first hug with her. Your eyes sprung up, and the familiarization hit you as you compared it to the same scenario you dreamt before, and up until now, it still is.

But what's even better now is that you can see the girl's face now. and it felt even more realistic than before. Same structure, same pinkish hair, same colorful dress.

Your eyes swelled before they broke down into tears, lowering your head as you cried in your palms.

It went on for minutes until you calmed down and ate the cake for her while watching your recorded moments with her on your phone.

You were so invested in all of those happy memories you were revisiting that you didn't notice a stranger peeking at you from behind.

"Awww your girl is so beautiful, dear." The old lady says with a soft smile. You looked above to see her figure.

"Thank you." You bowed your head.

"So that's her name?" She said as she reads Miyeon's tombstone.

"Yes, she's Miyeon." You politely answered.

She hummed and frowned. "It's unfortunate that she passed away too soon. She looks so young." You smiled through the pain as you wiped your tears. "We're just the same, I visited my late husband today on our wedding anniversary." She pointed at the direction where it is located.

"That's sweet grandma." "Are you okay now, dear? I know it hurts a lot to lose somebody we love, but trust me, it won't make us feel better if we don't practice how to let go." You nodded while trying to end your cries as the old lady is now caressing your arm to console you. "I am. I've already accepted her fate."

"You surely must have miss her so much, don't you? I bet you think about her anytime."

You looked at Miyeon's picture and smiled with pure confidence. "Yes, I do. She is and always will be on my mind... because Miyeon is the woman of my dreams."

[emi-maru]

A few weeks ago I switched to Linux and I've got some thoughts

I chose Arch Linux because I had some prior experience with using Ubuntu and Linux Mint on laptops, both for work and for myself.

Gaming is, aside from games that require certain anticheats, extremely easy to set up. Steam just works and I use Heroic as an alternative frontend for the Epic games launch and GOG Galaxy and it runs better than both of them did on windows. I haven't looked into Origin the EA App or Uplay Ubisoft Connect but I know I could play their stuff via Lutris or Bottles.

I locked myself out of my system once because I didn't verify a change I made to my fstab (basically a file where all your drives are listed) and while that's my fault for not verifying, you'd think the os would be able to boot if some drive that's not necessary isn't plugged in. A little help from a mutual helped me fix it.

Gnome is a very meh desktop environment. It's kinda considered the default for Linux and aside from KDE and budgie the only one I'm really familiar with. I had to install a bunch of extensions for it to work the way I wanted and it also comes with a bunch of preinstalled software that I don't need and can't (without fearing I'll break something) get rid of (for example, I use Alacrity but have to keep Gnome Console around).

The theming is so good. I can theme so much stuff it's great. I start up LibreOffice and it picks up the background and accent colour I set, I love it.

I'm getting more comfortable with using the terminal and while I still think that ideally every application should have a GUI, sometimes the terminal is more convenient (like using yay to update my entire system).

When I used Windows I had sporadic crackling sounds that I assumed were the fault of my DAC/AMP but I haven't had them since switching to Linux so I guess this was a Windows issue somehow. I tried so many fixes before that didn't work like checking drivers and firmware, using different usb ports and cables, trying different headphones but to no avail even when I got a completely new pc. Thanks, Windows.

I don't get Flatpak at all. Universal packages are neat but when I installed the Flatpak version of Bottles to run save/mod managers inside the proton prefixes that Steam uses, it suddenly took up almost 5gb. It also for whatever reason couldn't see half the folders even after I gave it access to the entire file system. In the end I went with the AUR version of Bottles which does not have that problem despite being Unofficial™. I just wish that the library/shortcut system worked but I can live with it I guess.

The AUR seemed annoying because it took forever to build packages compared to just installing binaries. The Chaotic AUR is a godsent because it contains a ton of binaries from the AUR. I don't get why people don't recommend it more often.

The only software I really miss from windows is ShareX. Not even because of all the tools like scroll capture, but also for OCR. Watching a vod of a twitch stream and being able to grab links out of the chat on screen is nice. Maybe I'll find an alternative someday, who knows.

I've come to despise a lot of people who think that the way they use Linux is the only good one. A big thing that kept me from switching was that the more I informed myself, the more weird opinionated takes I saw. Being forced to engage with questions such as "Is systemd bloat?", " Is neovim the only good text editor?", "Are tiling window managers universally better?", " Is Canonical literally Satan for having made Snap packages?" and "Is it ok to call this person a slur for using solarized KDE?" makes it so much harder to make a choice you're comfortable with.

I should not have put /home on a different partition or at least made the /root partition bigger. It's fine if I clean the pacman cache regularly but I don't want to look up those commands every few days (I know I can resize the boot partition with a live usb and I will, I'm just lazy rn).

My controller only works correctly when plugged in via usb. If I connect it via Bluetooth, the buttons don't map correctly. This is less of a Linux issue and more of a firmware issue since this is a third party controller that does not support Linux. I'm also aware of Steam having a robust remapping tool so I'll use that if I ever need to.

I have not yet looked into software to map my additional mouse buttons and control my keyboard/mouse rbg. Both of these store their settings on board so there's no need for it right now.

Might add more in the future but these are my thoughts for the first few weeks

[amngtheflowers]

Hello, I would like to address some things recently that have bothered me:

Please don't ask me for art requests. Unless I ask for suggestions on what to draw, normally no, I won't do it. Even if you don't necessarily have ill intent/aren't forceful about it and ask nicely, it's rude and unbecoming for a stranger to go around begging random artists for free artwork. You either learn to commission others for their hard work, or learn to put the pencil in your hands.

I don't allow usage of my artwork on profiles, even with credit. You're fine to use them as desktop backgrounds, etc - places that don't involve printing them out or reuploading them. It makes me deeply uncomfortable to see my artwork being used to 'identify' one's self on SNS if that makes sense, of course there are exceptions: Like if I drew certain artwork for them, and I'm aware I can't entirely prevent this as long as my artwork is on the internet, and as long as people simply don't care about my feelings, but to the ones that do have the capacity to understand: Please refrain from doing so. Also, credit should not be used as a free card for you to do what you want with others' intellectual property unless they gave you the ok - unauthorized use even with credit, is still unauthorized use.

This is more specific and might offend and upset people which I apologize for in advance but please do not make my Lucilius art about other characters and ships when they're not mentioned or necessarily being alluded to... and especially when there's no indication of me enjoying the ship on my blog at all. Please also don't say stuff along the vein of 'Lucilius wouldn't do this in canon but (compliments anyway as if it cancels out the previous unwarranted statement)' on my ship art. I find it rather rude and upsetting. I read my tags even when I don't seem to be reactive or responsive. I see this stuff. It's disheartening. It makes me feel bad. I should be allowed a space where I can freely be deluded and draw what I want even if it doesn't directly align with others' view of canon, if it upsets people, they have the necessary means to avoid and ignore my work. What I draw isn't intended to be an accurate representation of lore. That's why I refer to them as delusions or draw them under the premise of an alternative world where things have occurred differently. I recognize that the tags I saw also weren't carrying ill intent at all and perhaps thought they were being playful, but they still left a bad flavor in my mouth. There are just some comments better kept to oneself. And besides, there's already a lot of fanwork for other ships for you to enjoy out there.

That is all. Thank you for your love and kind words towards my drawings.

[cryptidsurveys]

Sunday, September 1st, 2024.

Do you think surveys are annoying? If I thought surveys as a whole were annoying, then I wouldn't bother taking them. Sometimes questions can be a bit silly, boring, or repetitive; but at their core, surveys are a good way for me to document my day-to-day life. They help me stay consistent in a way I wouldn't be with journaling.

What career paths are you considering? I doubt being a minimum wage kennel tech at the animal shelter would be considered a "career," but it's basically my dream job. I can't think of anything else I would rather do.

Do you watch music videos? Rarely.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleeping? Probably around a day and a half.

Ever clicked on those banner ads that promise a prize for clicking? I think I clicked on an Xbox one as a teen because I wanted to see what would happen. I don't think I believed I'd actually win anything, and (to the surprise of absolutely no one) I did not. I also didn't have the credit card they undoubtedly wanted, so...there's that.

What flavor ice cream would you say your personality is like? Something sweet with a sudden and unexpected kick of chili pepper. Something nice until it's not. ;D

What kind of computer are you using? A Dell desktop.

What kind of computer do you wish you were using? I'm actually very happy with my current computer.

Do you think machines will take over the world? Hmm. No. Not completely. I do think society will become more tech-driven in the future, but only to the point at which human nature pushes back. There are just some things machines can't do and needs they can't fulfill. Eventually, hopefully, we will find a workable balance.

Ever had a weight change so drastic you went to the doctor? Not really. I've been to the doctor for my eating disorder, but it wasn't like my weight loss was a medical mystery.

How cold does it have to be before you put on a sweater? It doesn't even have to be cold. It just has to not be hot.

Socks? I wear socks regardless of the temperature.

A coat? I guess fairly cold (or if I'm planning on spending a long time out in chilly weather). Who do people say you look like? No one says I look like anyone.

Do you usually get your homework done on time? I'm not in school anymore, but I typically turned my work in on time.

What’s in your closet? A bunch of junk.

Why don’t realtors like orange walls? Don't they prefer it when houses are sort of "generic?" That way potential buyers can start with a blank slate and make it their own? I mean, not many people are going to walk into a house with orange walls and be like, "Omg, it's perfect!!!"

Is the way you typically behave congruent with your ethnic background? I don't think the way I behave is congruent with anything except for being a lil weird.

Do you miss anyone dreadfully right now? Mostly pets who have passed on.

Have you ever framed your old movie ticket stubs? No.

If you could go out to lunch with anyone who ever existed, who would you pick? Whoever orchestrated/oversaw the building of the pyramids or any other mysterious, ancient monuments. I'm not one of those people who think aliens did it, but I would like to know exactly how they were built.

Are cats normaler than dogs? Uh…not according to Alex.

Does your left or right side seem to get hurt more often? I think when it comes to migraines it's my right side that hurts more often.

Quote something, preferably the 1st thing that comes to your head: Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Do you have a digital camera? Yeah, but I don't use it. I use my phone for photos these days.

Have you ever stuck something inappropriate in an electrical outlet? No.

What is your calendar pic for October? I'm not sure. There's a calendar downstairs, but I don't feel like running down there to check.

How many light sources do you have in your room? There are two overhead lights (which have been burned out for ages; I just haven't bothered to replace the bulbs), a set of string lights above my desk, a couple of salt lamps, and a couple of mushroom night lights. Oh, and the window for natural light.

Are you being stalked? No.

Will you have anything scheduled for the 16 of this or next month? Let's see…the 16th is a Monday, so I will more than likely be at the animal shelter.

Can you sleep without any pillows? If I had to, but I would really rather not.

Is there a color you REFUSE to wear? Hmm. I avoid white. <- Same. I'm a messy person and don't want to risk it.

Is there a car you REFUSE to drive? The company vehicle for the animal shelter. They're not asking me to drive it, but if I ever worked there…oh no. I'm inventing some sort of traffic infraction to get out of it because I do not trust myself with someone else's car.

Have you ever lived in a brand new house? No.

Has anyone ever pulled a gun on you? No.

Are you hurt if people call you names? I probably would be, but I think it would also depend on who was doing it and why.

Are there any chairs in your bedroom? Yeah. There's a computer chair, a fluffy white chair, and a bean bag (if you want to count that as some sort of seat; it's more of a cat bed atm, though).

Roughly, how often do you get sick per year? I have a lot of migraines, but when it comes to other illnesses, not very often. I did get sick twice in 2023, though - once with covid in Feb/March and then again around October with some sniffly cold thing that lasted about a month.

Do you go to the doctor, using holistic methods, or do nothing when sick? I take OTC migraine meds and that's pretty much it.

How many pairs of shoes do you have? Two.

Where would you least mind your car breaking down? At home…? But hopefully not right before I was expected to be somewhere - which was what happened to River this morning. I showed up at the animal shelter and Pat was like, "I've got a surprise for you!" "Oh yeah?" "Kristen called off, so it's just you and the new girl (River) today." "Uh wow, okay, cool, we got this!" ;D Went back to cattery, started getting things set up, but 8:00am rolled around and River wasn't there yet. No one knew where she was. I was like, "Okay, I've done cattery by myself before, I guess I can do it again…" Fed the cats, started cleaning in one of the colonies, and River walked in around 8:30am. Apparently, she was having car trouble and was frantically texting anyone she could for a ride. Alex was called in as well and she showed up shortly after River got there. What a wild start to the morning, lmao. I was totally ready to tackle cattery by myself.

[mrdrhenwardhykle]

Weird Dream Time Everyone (disturbing/gore tw)

So the dream began with my aunt and I talking about Sonic games for some reason, as I didn't know she had an interest in Archie Sonic, SATAM, Creepypastas, etc., so she sent me this game she made on this free and easy to work program that I never heard of.

It popped up instantly on my desktop as Sonic.MUCKOO

I thought it was weird but played it anyways

The game itself almost seemed like a restored scrapped SATAM game/concept. It was nice at first, as it took place in a bit-distorted rendition of the cabin I used to go to as a child. It was in a first-person perspective, and it was like a 90's point and click mystery adventure game. Every room in the cabin would radiate with warm colors, as if the lamps were on but the curtains were shut. The perspective would change when cutscenes were sparked, as it would play on top of the background like those weird computer Zelda games. The plot itself took place after some kind of victory on the Freedom Fighter's end, as everyone seemed joyous and relieved as if something big was just resolved. I believe Sally and Sonic were becoming rather close because of this, like they were in the final episode. Sally was acting very loving in every word she spoke, as if she knew there was going to be a new beginning, but Sonic just acted like he usually does and ignored it. The plot picked up as Sonic asked Sally to take on the task of going outside and starting up some machine as if it was a daily task. She obliged and bid her adieu.

The game starts, and you're playing as Sally; walking through the hallway, into the front room, inspecting, and then going out to the porch to leave (while also talking and asking if Sonic seemed off to the others). Once outside, the warm-brown-orangish colors of the location before start to fade, and transition into the bit-crushed photo of a dead forest filled with birch trees. The warmest color of the pallet is found on the ground and in the orange leaves filling it. The skies are murky and gray, and affect everything around it. The closer Sally gets to the shed, the silence is broken by sounds of birds cooing. I break from the perspective of the game to ask my aunt what a 'Muckoo' was, and she explained that it was the bird I was hearing coo. I continued the game and got Sally to the outside of the shed door, but the cooing has somehow turned into screeching. I asked my aunt if that's the noise they also made but she wouldn't answer. There seems to be something following her. Something fast and tall- but she ignored it. The shed was old and damp and looked super shady. The perspective changed to a second person perspective, showing the profile of Sally walk to the door and open it. She's nervous now, opening the door to only see darkness as we're in the perspective of the other side. Behind her is something, something large with long broken-looking arms and blue human-like skin. It was sonic, he had a gaping mouth, and was losing quills, and his eyes were censored by darkness.

"Go on" He prompted

On my first try, I chose to go into the shed, which caused an ending where as soon as Sally steps foot into the shed, 'Sonic' would grab her by the head and shove her into a hook on the wall. The ending card showed a white head of sally with the hook pierced through the roof of her mouth, and no jaw.

I pulled away from the game to ask my aunt what the hell she was thinking, to which she just laughed at me like she set me up for a troll. I asked her if there was any other endings and she still wouldn't answer.

I played through it again, and tried my best to prompt Sally to say no to doing Sonic's task, but the plot went on anyways. My efforts weren't totally useless, as when she approached the shed, another scene occurred where Sally was possessed rather than killed.

Uh yeah. That was it I think. Sometimes in my dreams I even ask if I'm losing it.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s6e9 clap your hands if you believe (w. ben edlund)

oh no. a cheeky and obvious knockoff of xfiles, my expectations are subterranean. even the titles. oh lord. (the fake xfiles music is awful. and the knockoff version of the titles. ack. watching this show does make me appreciate mark snow, the xf composer, even more)

(i watched xfiles while it was airing back in the 90s and it was my favorite show, very formative. i have many squishy feelings about the xfiles and my otp. and! my first impression of sam and dean, season 1, without really knowing much about the show, was s4-5ish mulder and scully)

okay, probably mostly everyone would say star trek voyager for robert picardo, but he was also in china beach! which came up back in s2e19 folsom prison blues with jeff kober.

china beach (1988-1991) rober picardo as dr dick richard

picardo was also in the wonder years AND he was the johnnycab voice (and the "robot" was modeled after him too) in total recall. resident actor of my childhood.

total recall (1990) robert picardo (voice and likeness) as johnnycab

(really pretty natural lighting, and pleasantly populated feeling street)

DEAN Hey, you wanna be a real boy, Pinnochio, you gotta act the part.

SAM I was faking it Dean! Ever since we got back on the road together, I was picking every freaking word. It’s exhausting.

DEAN Okay. All Right. But until we get you back on the soul train, I’ll be your conscience, okay?

SAM So you’re saying you’ll be my… Jiminy Cricket.

DEAN Shut up. But yeah, you freaking puppet. That’s exactly what I’m saying.

again, the soulless banter and bickering we were missing! thank you

another nice little detail. sam is itching to push this guy and dean has to nudge him out and they made him like. audibly grumble a little, it's very loud and clear for such a likely quiet sound. but it was a cute touch. him being visibly different is fun

SAM Close encounter! What kind? First? Second?

DEAN They’re after me!

SAM Third kind already? You better run, man. I think the fourth kind is a butt thing.

DEAN Empathy, Sam! Empathy!

again, cute

good grumpy dean content

DEAN Our reality’s collapsing around us, and you’re trying to pick up our waitress?

SAM Yeah. Okay. Look. Brings up a question. So, say you got a soul and you’re on a case, and your brother gets abducted by aliens—

DEAN Yeah, then you do everything you can to get him back.

SAM Right! You do, but, what about when there are no more leads for the night? Are you supposed to just sit there in the dark and suffer, even when there’s nothing that can be done at that moment?

DEAN YES!

SAM What?

DEAN Yes, you sit in the dark and feel the loss.

SAM Absolutely! But couldn’t I just do all that and have sex with the hippie chick?

DEAN No!

SAM It’d be in the dark.

makes a good case!

breaking news, we're back to the black desktop background

MARION Mmm. There is much theory and little fact. We know they only take firstborn sons, just like Rumplestiltskin did. Personally, I think they’re taken to Avalon to service Oberon, the King of the Faery.

SAM Dean? Did you service Oberon, King of the Fairies?

all right they'd been hitting with the humor for me so it's only fair they take a bit way too far with this whole tackling the rando guy and having dean call him a fairy repeatedly, obviously so people can think he's doing a hate crime. oh, great. and you know it's going to be some ableist joke because it's a little person too.

also the effects for the watchmaking elves is... not great lol

nice end of episode scenic chat,

SAM Dude, I do still have all my brain cells. If anything, my brain works better now.

DEAN Just making sure that’s where your head’s at. That you’re not having second thoughts about getting your soul back.

of course not!!!

considering it started out so painfully, it was overall a fun episode! kind of cracky but still dealing with the main plot. and not pushing the awkward humor buttons nearly as much as they did in the earlier seasons

[claiborneart]

Interview with The Most Famous Face in The World

Todd Smalls is a reporter for the Daily Times; specialising in celebrity news, gossip, and marketing. Article originally posted on 6/16/96; last updated on 6/24/96

When Mr. Arno Dun opened his door to let me into his tiny downtown flat, up on the twelve story and with that last-century 'one-bedroom' antique layout, even I was starstruck.

I've done interviews with everyone from CEOs to world leaders to the faces of A-list actor-musicians, but this was The. Arno. Dun. I, like most of our readers, grew up seeing his face on every box of cereal, snack bar, every ad both at home and on the street.

The face of the The Most Likeable Man, whose likeness had been leased by a a tenth of all companies in existence, lived in an apartment that was not worth the price of one minute of his own face.

The first thing he said to me, he confessed, was that he couldn't afford his own likeness either.

"I kick myself every day for letting that clause stay in the contract," he told me. "I didn't realize at the time, or I thought, or hoped, that they weren't serious about not letting me use my own face for personal use."

The room we were sitting in was nice enough, well-lit, and with family photos on a nearby desktop. While the grown children in the group photos shared close resemblance with Dun, his face was, of course, notably absent.

"I spent half my royalty money buying an old cottage out in the middle of nowhere," Dun said. "but that just made everything worse. People looked at my face, and wouldn't leave me alone. Here, at least," he gestured out the window at the city around us, "there's more people to blend in with, so I don't stand out as much. plus, most people are using ARG or some other, so I can go shopping in peace, most days."

"And," he added, smiling wryly, "at least no one asks for a photo."

Q: what made you decide to sell your likeness?

A: it seemed like a lot of money for very little effort at the time, so of course I said yes immediately.

A: Wish I had a lawyer read the the contract before signing, now, but a part of me thinks if I had asked to change anything they would have just moved on to someone dumb to sign it at that first meeting. Hah! I guess I was that dumb*** (swears have been auto-omitted, courtesy of cleanAirBroadcasting™)

There had been thousands of people who had signed similar contracts, nearly every single one for far less money than he, but it didn't seem the right time to remind him of such info.

Q: but was it a good payout, once you add in royalties?

A: Royalties…..well, some years it was enough that I didn't need to work, or only needed to work part-time, but they expired at the 50-year mark….hah! When I was young I thought 50 years was impossibly far in the future, and that getting old was for other people. Now look at me.

I did.

It was interesting, after seeing over 50 years of pre-aging for various brand and demographic-nicheing needs, how the most famous face in the world had actually ended up looking. More frown lines, and a saggier neck.

Still, a face rated most appealling to Broad Demographic Marketing aged more gracefully than most could ever hope for.

Q: so you've worked other jobs then?

A: oh for sure, sure-- whatever I found, here and there. I used to like working with people, but with my limitations, it's made that rather difficult. Nowadays I work for ******* (company name has been auto-omitted, courtesy of cleanMarketRelavance™), which is hard work, for someone of my age, but what can you do?

Q: How do you feel about the alternate-face clause, over half a century into the contract?

A: I don't mind it most of the time, to be honest. It means I don't show up in the background of stranger's videos as myself, so at least I never go viral that way. But…

at this he paused.

A: I don't like it when I want to be in a photo. with my friends. with my family. I don't like seeing a stranger's face in the middle of them, instead of me.

[The banner image, which under usual contract compliance included an ai-generated random stand-in face, was edited to a pixelated mirage on 6/24/96, at the request of Mr. Dun.]

[hollandorks]

Do you have any advice for someone who’s attempting to foray into writing but already has other obligations? Any suggestions for balancing work and other aspects of your life with writing? Also have you encountered any issues with creating an original work based on a your own fanfiction such as toeing the line with being original and paying homage? You seem successful with all of your writing and so getting your thoughts would be so great!

*cracks knuckles* had to get on desktop for this to be sure I answered thoroughly! First of all, thank you!! I don't necessarily feel succcessful with my writing but it's really nice to hear.

I actually asked a lot of favorite authors about this (especially when I was in college!) during their Q&A on social media etc and the #1 response I got was: you have to make time. And it's so true. Obligations suck, work sucks, school sucks. Those things unfortunately have to come first just because, yknow, life!

So you have to carve out time to write and be purposeful about it. For motn I wrote a ton on my lunch break at work on my phone but I also like....gave up on laundry and keeping my house clean as often as I needed to in order to write more after work.

Even if it's only 15-30 minutes a day, you have to just purposely make time, which sucks. But also, prioritize it if it's really important to you. Like I said, I decided laundry and a clean bathroom were a lot less important (lol) when writing motn. Just decide what's most important and focus on that, even if only a little at a time.

On to the next part of the question: an original work from a fan work. Listen, you have to get rid of copyright stuff. For motn, I got rid of anything even remotely related to Batman. Symbols, names, etc. I renamed the vigilante, the city, revamped the backgrounds and such. And when I paid for a beta reader, I let her know that it was based on the Batman movie and she purposely looked out for stuff that was too similar! (Like a couple of lines she noted that it sounded "too Batman-y" so I changed it accordingly)

I can't answer about legal stuff (like if I'll have to delete the original motn) because I'm not there yet! I do know Ali Hazelwood wrote the Love Hypothesis, a hugely popular romance book, that was based on her own fanfiction, but it also isn't set in the same kind of world of the movie if that makes sense! (As in, it was a Star Wars AU fic I think, and the book is set in the "real world" so she likely didn't have to change much other than names!)

I definitely toed the line in a lot of places. I mean, I set it in a gritty, corrupt city that has a vigilante who is a billionaire with cool gadgets and an armored car and dead parents....but still altered enough to not be copyrighted. Again, I'm not really into the publishing process yet so I may get notes back (if I get any) saying it's still too close to the source material! But my goal is for 1) anyone familiar with Batman at all to get the gist and 2) OG readers of motn to still be able to recognize it!

Last but not least, it's super important to realize that every person is different and every story is different. What worked for motn might not work for my next project! And what worked for me, personally, might not work for you. It's just a matter of keeping at it and being persistent until you find what works.

Idk if any of this makes sense so feel free to send any other questions and stuff! I'm happy to answer them, I love writing and am passionate about it and love to talk about it!

[rainofdauwuand0w0]

I sit and stop to think sometimes when i cant sleep, about the whats and the hows of everything, the whys usually escaping me.

For example my channel

My youtube channel, when i first created it, like so many others, just started out as a way for me to watch and enjoy the content of others, finding the enjoyment of those who also enjoyed games like i did, markiplier and jacksepticeye my main favorites for gaming related stuff, there were others of course but, sometimes its best to lay some parts of memory to rest and let them stay at rest. Randomly finding matpat in his younger days, and some other theorizing minds whom i lost interest and forgot over time most likely. Though i also found some other things. old game devs, playthroughs of the dev commentaries, and finding them in games myself. All these culminating in my interests of force of what i wanna do on my channel and sometimes i think about it and I get scared. But the best advice I’ve seen from this site was to do it scared, and so i have been, and slowly trying to get braver and more confident into talking into a shitty headset mic, on a computer thats being the lil dell desktop that could. And in all honesty if my desktop computer core was a thing, i would tell it how proud i am for managing what it can despite its own limitations, I am proud of it for giving me the ability to atleast get a start into all this. And so far, I have made technically two series to start off, lets start with “rain rambles”, the name i took from my own random idea for what i would call my random rambles on here originally but now it is for a video series, all about discussing my thoughts on weaponry and maps and modes in games of interest, of course it is called rain rambles so it may change over time, but for now that was the base idea, to talk about a game, mod, sourcemod, fangame, etc, and share my thoughts on the design of the stuff in it!

Then there is the kingsway game series i have started up, im gonna do my best to keep up with it atleast semi-regularly and try to keep working through things and go through the motions of trying to record the game, get to working on my confidence that a video could suddenly be seen by lots of people, even if in youtube numbers terms it may seem small, my brain imagines them in spaces i inhabit like they were over for a house part of some sort. And sometimes i overthink and go, “oh maybe tomorrow” and some days i manage it.

I hope despite the beginner quality, my videos are enjoyed, that my videos are at the very least some nice background noise to listen to and leave on while you are off doing something else, or that you do manage to enjoy my commentary, despite my shyness of irl and online being shown full force in these videos.

I wanna make videos, I wanna entertain folks, make them laugh, smile, and more. I wanna provide a space to relax, watch a video of someone playing a game for a long form, and enjoy the experience of it all.

But my youtube channel is not the only thing on my mind that cant yet sleep due to all these thoughts. It’s life, in general to a degree i think, because I think I’ve finally figured out something that scares me. I don’t know who I’ll be when I’m truly me, transitioned, in a household that I don’t have to worry about the foods and doing fractioning to ensure lil siblings get the food they need for their growing bodies. Ensuring the space of the household of downstairs, remains decent at the very least in looks and stuff, doing my best with my circumstances. I want to do a online job, so that i may continue my work on my youtube as well, my passion of creative energy going to something, somewhere, somehow, despite the feeling that the walls are closing in despite me only barely starting out adulthood, I have seen in my early age someone who became the person in the basement, playing in their room for while they didn’t do anything with all that time, looking for no jobs at the time, the scarily distance from anything but games yet no sight of anything to turn it into even just a hobby for the hell of it, to have fun with others, said person has since gotten a job and began making payments to ensure they keep their internet, so they’ve changed, but my brain has mentally exhausted and scared myself into a toxic visage of “YOU CAN BECOME THAT BUT x10 WORSE!” as if i wasn’t already on the road to being that burned out gifted kid, and yet here I am. Scared of growing up but also wanting to move on.

I don’t wanna be at my mom’s forever. Not due to societies weird obsession with instant separation of the family as they grow up past the big ol’ 20 that you now must be thrown to the wolves. But because I feel like this space holds me down in a sense, i wanna stop being the caterpillar, I wanna become the butterfly I know i can be. But rn its really hard to be stuck as the caterpillar, to be at the “just eating leaves” stage of my life seemingly, while the world around me has scary event after “moment(s) of our time” keep happening and happening, i wanna fly off to my boyfriends current place of stay and just get this all started, maybe even get this youtube thing more consistent as I will feel like I don’t have to waste energy on the most important things in my current place on the important things of watching siblings, the household, ensure that things aren’t being destroyed, make sure the lil siblings are fed for the day of lunch and breakfast, and sometimes ensuring that something is done in addition to that, like an extra chore, like cleaning a bathroom or putting away/starting dishes, and all that adds on to how much energy I’ve used in a day. So when i get to recording its hard to pull up and sit in the chair, sometimes i just wanna sit on the floor and play something else, thats where the edited videos of smaller things come in, the 2v8 dbd video was just me trying to use remaining energy to make something, to make SOMETHING out of my creativity out into the world.

[lifeafterthelayoff]

Part II: Day 9

Roasting my rejections for a little levity.

I have a text file saved on my desktop from my layoff job search last summer titled REJECTION.txt. When a rejection would arrive, I’d copy the the key sentence a company used to let me know that I didn’t get the job. It was a mixed bag, as you might imagine.

You can feel the desire to let candidates down easily. Awkwardly, but easily. Some are more blunt, and others twist themselves into pretzels in an attempt at kindness. Soften the blow, and they might apply to another role some day.

So, here they are, the top 10 rejections I received during my Summer ‘23 job search, in order of worst to best:

“We have decided not to move forward with your candidacy.” - Blunt, but stops short of “no job for you.”

“After reviewing your work and experience, we unfortunately don't see a strong match to our current open roles.” - Wasn’t aware that I was going to get roasted in the rejection letter.

“This role has been filled and closed by another prospect.” - How did another prospect close the role? They hired ‘em and gave ‘em the keys to the place.

“Unfortunately, we have decided to move forward with other applicants who we feel are a closer match to what we’re looking for at this time.” - The editor in me wants to trim this one down so, so much.

“We’ve carefully reviewed your profile and we’re sorry to let you know that we will not be progressing your application any further this time.” - The verb “progressing” bothers me here way more than it should. It feels wrong. Is it wrong?

“We carefully considered your experience, however, we have decided not to move forward with your application.” - The ‘however” in the middle of the sentence resolved what had been slowly building up to a cliffhanger. It really could’ve gone either way before that.

“We wanted to let you know, however, that the hiring team has not selected you for further consideration for this role.” - Wait, a team? Like a whole team? Now I’m left feeling like the last player left on the losing dodgeball team. *Cue the pinging dodgeball impact sound.*

“While this one wasn’t a perfect match, we’ve got big plans for the future of mobility, and it takes outstanding people like you from every background to turn those plans into reality.” - Now I feel like you told me about the fun party you are having, and that I’m not invited. But other people like me will be there? WHAT?

“We appreciate the referral and we’re honored you chose to apply, but we’re sorry to let you know that for this particular role you were not selected for the next step.” - Honored is a nice but possibly misplaced flourish, here.

“After thoughtful consideration, we have decided not to move forward with your application for this position.” - Who am I to argue with thoughtful consideration, really?

[ailtrahq]

In this interview, we have the opportunity to hear from Oleg Lola, the founder of MobiDev, a software engineering company that specializes in helping small and medium businesses integrate AI into their products. Oleg shares his background and journey, highlighting his passion for technology and his vision of serving visionaries by adding value through technical solutions. He also addresses the misconception that AI is only accessible to big companies, emphasizing MobiDev's focus on making AI technology light and straightforward for small and medium businesses in the U.S. to use in their own products. Let's dive in!U.Today: Oleg, please tell us about your background. When and why did you start MobiDev?Oleg Lola: I was born in Mariupol, Ukraine. It was a large factory city. Bad ecology, tough and smart people. Both of my parents were teachers - with low incomes, they worked second jobs to make ends meet. They stressed good education and on making an effort to achieve good in life. They never forced me, only helped me, with their example and with their actions. At a young age I helped my parents grow vegetables and sell them in a local farmers market.Like them, I was hardworking, and I "swallowed" books - fiction first, but then technical ones. Early in my life I got access to computers, which in the early 90s was unusual. I used to read books on Assembler, C++ and 3D programming and had so much fun with it. I won several high school national-level contests in math, science and programming, and created several desktop apps to help students visualize stereometry concepts. I felt like a trailblazer.When I was a high school junior, I knew exactly where I wanted to study. Obviously it was a technical college, one of the best in the country. In college I won a national student contest on system programming. It was a huge achievement, as my major in computer engineering had a specialization in system programming. I graduated with honors from high school (Mariupol Gymnasium, Ukraine) and earned a B.Eng. and M.Eng from Kharkiv University of Radioelectronics in Ukraine.Before starting my company, I considered myself a classic nerd/introvert and was proud of it. Coming from a math and tech background I never thought I would be talking to people that much (laughing).  Actually the best perk that has helped me is seeing an opportunity. I’ve enjoyed change, challenge and trying new things. Such creativity, combined with nerdy persistence, ended up giving me some nice results.This helped me create my software engineering company in the recession year of 2009, driven by my vision of mobile devices, which had just started to shine. This helped me establish my company's brand, an ultimate promise of delivery and service to grow to 400 people by the beginning of 2023. This helped me to pivot to my love of machine learning and AI in 2018 before it became mainstream.Before starting MobiDev, I did scientific research at my college and worked at other tech companies. While I really adored research, which is all about experimenting, finding new options, trying things out and, as a result, bringing new value, I really hated my experience with other tech companies as an engineer. At that time outstaffing was really popular, which meant the tech company would just find "brains," connecting clients and engineers, with the hope that clients and engineers would sort things out. It meant that clients had to take on a lot of the management burden by themselves, and the initially exciting development process became too cumbersome. I thought that I could do better. And thus, I kicked off my software engineering company MobiDev with the idea of serving visionaries and adding extra value. From day one, MobiDev started with understanding the business problem, researching and offering new ways of finding technical solutions, taking accountability for delivering results and, of course, handling thousands of small but important things within the course of a software development project, both technical and human-related.

 This way, a visionary could focus on what matters most: their business.Since 2018 MobiDev's focus has been helping build AI apps for visionaries, in making AI technology light and straightforward to integrate into their products. U.Today: AI has come a long way from being a mysterious rocket sciencelike technology to overhyped public applications like ChatGPT and FaceApp. AI looks like a game for big companies. Is it possible for small and medium businesses in the U.S. to utilize AI?Oleg Lola: I absolutely agree: AI is heavily overhyped. The launch of ChatGPT made things even worse. There is a misconception that AI can do anything, and robots will soon replace humans. As a professional who has worked with machine learning years before ChatGPT, and as an AI enthusiast, I would say: take it easy. I see AI as another set of technologies for automation and allegedly making our lives better. Businesses can benefit from AI in two ways:Use products that already contain AI technology. Hint: Search the web for AI products in your domain area, and test drive them on your own according to your specific needs.Generate extra value for your high tech product with AI. Hint: Have AI/ML professionals analyze how AI can be beneficial for your product and your users. In the vast majority of cases, you will not need to create yet another GPT. It is better to explore the options of fine-tuning existing models with your data, using pre-trains or even connecting to third-party APIs. The power of AI lies really close; it is about using your creativity and some professional help to make the magic happen.What is really important is that both options are valid for businesses of any size. U.Today: How can AI assist companies in resolving their challenges, and what specific problems can be addressed through AI?Oleg Lola: There are two ways of solving problems in computer science. Algorithmic: Where a human defines how a specific problem must be solved, based on expert opinion, science or business rules. The outcome is exact, strictly defined by the heuristics.Machine learning: Where a model learns how to respond to a certain input, based on data. The result here is an approximation. In most cases, it is a very complex nonlinear approximation. So, one might say machine learning models make predictions about new data based on the data it already digested.Those problems that might be solved with prediction can be targeted with AI, mostly connected with perception and patterns extraction. Taking into account that the cost of prediction (hardware) is becoming lower, there is an amazing opportunity to disrupt, tackle new problems and find new business models.I can name some problems off the top of my head that we have solved for our client-visionaries, while enriching their products with AI:Organizational chart recognition for attorney, both printed and hand drawn.Truck size and weight estimation based on stationary AR point cloud (Lidar) data. Inventory tracking and ordering based on sales forecasts for nightclubs and bars.Bespoke clothes ordering based on visual inspection and human pose estimation.Biometric identification for insurtech and healthtech.Smart contract analysis and classification. Invoice recognition for healthtech.Training athletes by recognizing their movements and comparing them to golden examples for the sports industry.Garbage sorting for recycling. And, of course, customized chatbots based on GPT technology.I would like to turn to those organizations that have launched high tech products or are planning to. Whether:it is your internal enterprise product for automation, and you have or have not been collecting data.it is software as a service that you service your customers with and you want to be ahead of the competition.it is a custom hardware solution where optimization is critical.In my experience, in 95% of cases, AI brings extra value to the product right away based on implementing the frontier machine learning models. It could be increasing

customer satisfaction or improving customer experience, and even providing new features, solving those problems that you always wanted to target but never could."Right away" here means there is no need to conduct 1-2 year long scientific research to create a machine learning model (it has already been done by a team of scientists). At the same time, please allow a meaningful time frame of 1-2 months for building the first POC (proof of concept) of your specific AI solution. This would include an AI consulting stage when the vision of your product is defined, a development stage and an implementation stage. While the development and implementation stages are something you would encounter in any software development project, the AI consulting stage is different and is probably the most valuable for any enterprise exploring opportunities to embed AI in their product.U.Today: Can you tell us more about this AI Product Consulting stage?Oleg Lola: We see that tech visionaries always think big, wish to change the world around them, to change thinking and perception, to find the drive in customer value and get emotional uplift while generating new value for customers. Tech visionaries already work on the edge between the problem and the solution. AI Product Consulting helps to broaden the edge. Practically, it helps an organization see the field of opportunity that lies at the intersection of the current organization's business and product, market demands and competition as well as the ML/AI technologies available out there.For completely new Al Product Development, we will make sure the idea is feasible from a tech point of view and meets real market needs. Our Al consultants prepare businesses for the successful launch of their project by defining the final scope of the solution for the MVP and the go-to-market strategy. Next, our engineers will turn this strategy into a functional Al product, taking into account all technical and business requirements.For embedding Al integration into existing businesses, we offer ways to outpace competitors by implementing innovations that drive real business value. Our experts will conduct a detailed analysis of business goals, datasets and IT infrastructure to offer the best solutions that fit the existing ecosystem. With 13+ years of experience in software development, MobiDev's tech experts ensure that AI functionality is fully compatible with existing software.MobiDev consultants, who come from the areas of market research, business analysis and AI engineering, will go through several steps that will deepen the product's vision: idea brainstorming, product and market Analysis, and AI model research and estimation. As a result, the product development roadmap and the budgeted options of how building and marketing AI proof-of-concept will be created.U.Today: Do both MobiDev as a company and yourself, Oleg Lola, utilize AI to tackle everyday issues?Oleg Lola: We use a broad range of AI-powered products that help speed up the development and deployment process, including Github Copilot, TestGrid and Cast.AI. We want every dollar clients put in development to be as efficient as possible.  U.Today: What are your future plans and goals?Oleg Lola: At MobiDev we will continue laser-sharp focusing on serving visionaries, making their journey of software engineering light and enjoyable. We see that within a few years more and more organizations will turn to AI technology, and the capabilities of AI only grow. So, we see a combination of AI and the very best service standards of MobiDev professionals. We will add extra value to visionaries and their high-tech products.We work the best with established small and midsize software companies that want to bring more value to their existing product, launch new versions of their existing product or launch new products. Certainly, we recommend embedding AI a lot and offer options to our clients. The visionaries, in turn, see the options and make decisions that suit their vision best.

 We are constantly working toward this future, so we clearly envision it. We will keep building game-changing products. We will continue to adhere to MobiDev's philosophy and take care of technology and project management down to the smallest detail, allowing our customers to focus on strategy and product vision. Our pipeline of generating and implementing breakthrough ideas will continue to run smoothly. To do this, we are currently investing 30% of MobiDev's R&D efforts into new technology research.U.Today: What aspect of MobiDev are you most proud of?Oleg Lola: First of all, I am really proud of our clients. Working with visionaries for over a decade, I see that true vision and hard work bring awesome results. I see our clients going to the next levels of their businesses, growing nationally and internationally, making strategic alliances with major industry players and enjoying the results. I am grateful to all of our clients for years of trusting MobiDev to handle their tech needs.I am also proud of my team at MobiDev, the majority working for years and bringing their passion and hard work so valuable to visionaries. I am proud of our mutual support and look forward to their professional and career growth in the years to come.Within the course of these years, we have also done a lot of good for society. We have launched tech educational courses for single moms, youth and veterans; have organized international conferences for professionals in software engineering; have launched several free apps with millions of downloads (the latest being an AI app to help sort the garbage for recycling), have actively helped the software community to develop with a few open source projects (the brightest of which being one of the first frameworks for cross-platform mobile apps) and have constantly participated in ongoing humanitarian initiatives in Ukraine.I am fascinated by how our hard work for clients and our active position changes the world for the better. U.Today: What is your perspective on the future of AI? Do you believe it has the potential to become a frightening dystopia?Oleg Lola: Well, I see much more of a threat from climate change, terrorists and nuclear weapons. AI is just a tool. It is powerful, but there are much more powerful tools out there in the world. I definitely support AI regulation. AI must be regulated in terms of how AI products may influence humans and humanity. AI products must conform to privacy protection, copyright, human rights and other laws.As for the future of AI, we have seen the exponential growth of AI capabilities, and we are going to witness more to come. Probably the biggest question one should ask themselves is if they want to be creators of useful AI products and be part of the success, or rather be a user of someone else's products.U.Today: Do you have a cryptocurrency portfolio? If so, could you mention at least three holdings?Oleg Lola: I am rather a homebrew ETF investor. Also, I put some funds into early stage AI start-ups through diversified funds.Blockchain as a technology is more interesting to me than any specific crypto asset. I have a feeling that the decentralization of operations and data-based trust characteristic of blockchain are in line with today's social trends. Products that combine AI and blockchain, for example, are a very promising area that we are keeping in our sights.U.Today: What advice would you offer to individuals interested in establishing their own business in the AI field?Oleg Lola: Explore the market, find out your strengths, see what you can do with AI technology. Go lean, launch early, gather feedback and reiterate frequently. Find the balance between your idea and market needs. Seek mentoring and consultancy, both in the business and tech fields (and especially AI). Source

[longwindow]

Deluge bittorrent

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We have also included a list of some of the most popular Torrent downloaders that you use right now. You can add these trackers to any torrent client. The next step is adding these torrent trackers to a torrent client. Now that you have got the list of torrent trackers for 2022. How to add a Torrent tracker to a Torrent downloader? Torrent Trackers List 2022īelow is a list of torrent trackers that you can use in 2022 to increase your torrent downloading speed. You can access private torrent trackers on Reddit or similar forums.

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These torrent trackers are safe as compared to public trackers but there are upload and download limits and you cannot use the tracker beyond it. You also need to register yourself or access a private tracker using an invite. Private torrent trackers lists are not available for everybody.

#DELUGE BITTORRENT REGISTRATION#

You also do not need registration or an invitation for using public trackers to increase torrent download speed. Public torrent trackersĪlso known as open trackers, public torrent trackers lists can be used by anyone by adding them to the torrent client. Torrent trackers are of two types - private trackers and public trackers. If more people are available to upload files to you, faster will be the downloading speed. But you really can't go wrong with either of those two clients.The more torrent trackers you add, the more chances that you’ll get a large number of seeders and peers for the file you’re trying to download. Deluge got assigned the task of main work horse, and I haven't regretted the decision. I traditionally split my torrenting between two clients for different use cases. Why Deluge over qBittorrent? Coincidence, really. Important detail: Deluge is also a widely accepted client on private trackers, I haven't found any site that would disallow its use.ĭeluge has quickly become my main BitTorrent client, and I can recommend it to anyone. From the documentation and forums, they and the community also seem like a generally friendly bunch, and not an elitist club, which is always something that puts me off of some other open-source projects. It gives me a generally good impression, it seems like the people working on it know what they're doing, write quality code, and care about user needs. I had Deluge set up on my Windows machine in no time, configured it to my liking within two minutes, and everything works as it's supposed to. What's also nice is that many useful features which, however, not everybody will want to use, such as notifications or torrent labels/categories, are implemented as plug-ins that can be switched on and off at will. If you need more powerful features, they're just a hop to the settings screen away. Everything is really simple, easily understandable, in a clean and tidy user interface. Unless you switch to "thin client mode" and configure the server separately, it handles like any other, monolithic BitTorrent client.Īnd this principle works all throughout Deluge.

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Just install and run, the daemon will be started in the background and the user interface will show up. Which, however, you don't have to worry about if you're a regular user on a regular desktop computer. There really isn't a bad word I can say about either.ĭeluge is a very light-weight client with a well thought-out client and server separation. I have tried a few options, and quickly settled on Deluge and qBittorrent. After all the "traditional" clients like BitTorrent, µTorrent, and Vuze/Azureus have become so bloated and pretty much unusable, with horribly bad UX, over the past couple of years, it was finally time to get rid of my laziness and find a replacement.