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tysonrunningfox · 4 years

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Two Night Stand AU: Part 7

Ao3

Hiccup (3:52am): Astrid please, I can explain. Better than I did. I’m sorry.

Hiccup (3:52am): Astrid

Hiccup (3:53am): I keep saying your name, I don’t

Hiccup (3:53am): It’s my favorite name

Hiccup (3:53am): I know my name I just a bodily function but I love how you told me that and also none of this matters because I

Hiccup (3:54am): Please, if you get these, please give me your number. Please.

Hiccup (3:54am): I’m not begging. Not in the manipulative way. Or any way.

Hiccup (3:56am): Except I actually am begging.

Hiccup (3:56am): In the pathetic way.

Hiccup (3:58am): I thought about running after you. I didn’t because well, I was naked, or not, that’s not, I

Hiccup (3:59am): Please, just say anything. Please. I need to talk to you. I

Hiccup (4:02am): I’ve been saying ‘I’ a lot, that doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about what this means to you and I’m guessing it couldn’t be worse. This couldn’t have gone worse. I was everything you feared and more. Or less. I don’t

Hiccup (4:03am): I don’t want your comfort, not that you’d give it, I’m saying I’m the worst. I’m saying I’m awful and I’m sorry and this is so bad and it looks even worse than it is and I’d like to talk about exactly how bad it looks with you. Only you.

Hiccup (4:04am): Please, just message me back or give me your number or your address, I won’t stalk you, I’ll just send you a long-winded letter in cursive on cardstock.

Hiccup (4:05am): I’ll buy cardstock, I can’t write cursive though

This is pointless. And stupid. And the only thing Hiccup cares about even as he gets the notification that Heather’s plane has landed. She’ll be home soon. Fine. It’s fine.

He should make the bed. He should shower. He should do anything but obsessively message the perfect girl who isn’t responding.

Astrid.

Astrid who feels like home. Astrid who’s gone. Astrid. Astrid.

He keeps saying her name like it has a hidden definition. Like it’s a code that can unlock some way out of the mess he’s placed himself in.

It can’t, because there isn’t.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Because he made a mess. Not just a mess. A mud pit, in which he voluntarily brought dirt into his life, and then mixed it with water, and then invited someone who lacked the qualifications to turn mud into structure into his life, and somehow, instead of being a disaster, it just lit everything on fire.

The mud pit is a clay-pit. The moving sculpture of his life fired into place the second that he realized Astrid for what she truly was. Is.

It has to be possible.

Or, you know, there’s just no reason to any of this.

But the thing is that after pulling the short stick enough times, it ceases to be random chance and starts to feel like reserved karma. And Hiccup would like to cash in.

And yes, he understands that the idea of karma is not a genie in a bottle, it is not a magic wand, it cannot magically bring Astrid into his life, not that he’d want it to because—well, she’d hate it—but he thinks there should be some sort of cosmic station where one could exchange the sum of their theoretical suffering for what they want.

Like he lost a leg, that’s…big ass misery, ok? That was a gigantic ‘fuck you’ from the universe. He endured it with a mostly strong chin and stubborn sense of humor, but right now, he is willing to drop it forever just for a specific configuration of ten digits.

That’s a pretty good deal, right universe? Deal or No Deal?

Spin The Wheel of Fortune, Universe.

Do You Want to Be a Millionaire, Universe?

The Price is Right, as in this is the best he has to offer, so Universe, maybe make your move.

“Honey, I’m home!” Heather calls from the living room as she disarms the security alarm.

Check. The universe says, sliding the queen of the castle into view.

“In the bedroom,” he says back, staring down at Heather’s note, wondering how leading with it would go. Not well, not that there’s any way any of this will go well.

It’ll be faster maybe, if he leads with the Dear John letter he knew about for weeks that led him to make a ‘fuck you’ account on a dating website and God, he is so stupid.

“What the fuck is this?” Heather dives right into it, standing in the doorway with a folded piece of paper in her hand.

“Oh, sorry, I was supposed to be vacuuming with my pearls on,” he says flatly, “I forgot we were going to roleplay Leave it to Beaver, which takes on a very different meaning when you add the sexual element—”

“Hiccup,” Heather sighs his name like it’s an impossible to squelch bodily function, and he can’t keep Astrid off his mind for even a second, can he? “The note, by the front door, what is it?”

“I’ve…” He swallows hard, wiping his hand on his boxers before picking up his only shred of pitiable evidence, “I have the note right here.”

“Trade me,” she raises a non-plussed eyebrow, but her hand shakes as he puts her own letter into it and takes the scrap of paper from her.

Thanks for last night. I had fun. Great apartment!

xx Astrid

It’s smeared, written in makeup, casual in a way that Astrid isn’t. In a way he thought he was before he met her. His mouth goes dry and he tries to hide it, looking up at Heather and waiting for her to react to her own note.

She stares at it for a second before frowning and folding a new crease in it. When she holds it up at him like the last card in her Uno hand, it hits him for the first and final time that he really was batting out of his league with her. Not because she’s too good for him, even though his decision process over the last week or so corroborates that, but because she’s wrong for him at some fundamental level that he never believed in.

He knows he’s playing fast and loose with the concept of karma, but for the first time, fate makes some kind of sense.

“When did you find this?” She looks ashamed under her hard edges, the ones that don’t blunt and crumble even when they’re alone. The ones he used to think were strong when maybe they’re actually cruel, but he’s not dumb enough to blame her for making him that way.

Maybe they bring it out in each other. Brought.

“When did you write it?”

“Does that matter?” She laughs and Hiccup shrugs, willing himself honest even though it’s hard.

“Probably not.”

“Because of Alison, or whoever wrote the slutty little note you left me to find?”

‘Yes’ is the honest answer, but not the right one.

“Because you’re right. It’s not working.” He sighs, “it hasn’t been for a while, we’ve been…growing apart—”

“You haven’t been growing at all,” she retorts, “and your snarky, cryptic thing isn’t as charming as it used to be when I’m around it all the time—”

“That’s fair,” he taps his temple, “I live here, it’s not great.”

“You waited until I was out of town and cheated on me instead of just telling me directly that you’d found my note.”

“Yeah,” he nods, “and you didn’t give me the note, I think it’s fair to say that communication has been breaking down for a while. And communication is the cornerstone of any relationship, so suffice to say when that breaks down, the relationship goes with it.”

She shakes her head at him, slowly, a little shocked. He doesn’t remember the last time he actually surprised her, the last time she authentically laughed at his antics instead of spurring him on with a half-interested glint in her eyes. She doesn’t quip back though. That hasn’t happened in a very long time.

“What happened to you?” She asks after a too long minute and he shrugs.

“I…realized it was time to be honest. To stop doing this just because we feel like we’re supposed to, because we’ve put so much time into it.” He feels it now, everything that drew him to her in the first place. All the hours and days and weeks they spent together, making friction like it was a resource. “The fact is, I don’t think we’re right for each other. I think we’re just…or at least I was scared that there’d never be anything better.”

“So, you’re breaking up with me because you’re infused with optimism that we’re both going to find something better.” She shakes her head, looking lighter and bored and not hurt enough for what he did. “You really believe that?”

“Not believing it wasn’t working.”

“You’re an idiot,” she points at Astrid’s note, which might as well be his prized possession now, because he’s going to have to move and it’ll fit in his wallet.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yes, I’m furious with you but…I get it. I wrote the note, I wish you hadn’t found it while snooping, I should have just given it to you. I would have if I thought you were capable of being this mature about this—”

“No, not about—we’re broken up, I think we both understand it, but umm…did you ever fake it?” What starts as half a joke ends in some bitter, curious, cringing place that he never wants to visit again, but given that this is probably his last chance to get the facts, he goes for it. “When we were together?”

He makes a hand gesture that he wishes he hadn’t. Heather shakes her head and he thinks she’s feeling the bad fit too. He thinks, because he’s realizing that he never learned how to read her face, not really. And not because she didn’t let him, and not because he didn’t try, but it’s a language with a different taproot, something he could struggle with for years and never be fluent.

“A year together. A fucking year and—all this,” she gestures at the apartment that he didn’t even really like, but agreed to because going with the flow was the way to make their bickering day touring apartments end, “gone, and you want to know if I faked it?”

“You shouldn’t do that,” he lectures, internally cringing but feeling lighter. Vindicated, maybe. Fully through the veil of embarrassment and into someplace free. “It’s no good for you, it didn’t help me.”

“Right, you do so well with criticism.”

“Maybe I do,” he shrugs, “I think we both know there are a lot of things we never learned about each other.”

“You’re an asshole.”

And that makes him think of Astrid, and how he’s never felt closer to anyone, and how he wants this to be over with and then, how Dagur is probably going to beat him up. He probably should get in touch with his long lost cousin, that’s probably his only chance against Dagur’s impending wrath.

“I can move out.”

“Ok.” She stands up and looks at him with dwindling recognition, the polaroid of the present crystallizing in her memory and affirming him eternally as ‘that dickhead’. It’s…it sucks. He sucks. “Let me know when you’re out, I’ll go stay with Dagur.”

“Shouldn’t take that long,” he regrets how mean it sounds until it seems like she doesn’t care, cut off from him in a way that isn’t new. He should have noticed. They should have talked. They didn’t, he was an asshole, and now the idea of Astrid is a North star brighter than the blizzard and definitely brighter than the vengeance his ego would like to imagine in Heather’s expression.

Except it’s not there. And he has no ego, not right now, not when he’s so eager to exit this conversation and this chapter in his life.

She is too. She wrote the note.

He should have just told her he found it.

He’s so glad he didn’t, and he’ll hate himself for it later, when the leak in his heart is patched.

“Alright.” She stands up and he half thinks she’s going to shake his hand, but she doesn’t, “well, bye, Hiccup.”

Her voice might catch. His throat might hurt.

As soon as she leaves, he opens the dating site again and tries to message Astrid.

Hiccup (5:10am): I broke up with her

CustomerHelpBot (5:10am): The account you are attempting to contact has been inactivated

Hiccup (5:11am): good job changing your name, very convincing

CustomerHelpBot (5:11am): The account you are attempting to contact has been inactivated, for further information, please contact customer service at 303-555-7893

Hiccup (5:11am): that’s a really weird way to give me your number.

CustomerHelpBot (5:11am): The account you are attempting to contact has been inactivated, for further information, please contact customer service at 303-555-7893

Hiccup (5:12am): I’ll call the number

He gives the supposed threat a minute to sink in before doing just that, and the robotic voice that picks up honestly shocks him.

“You have reached the customer service hotline for America’s Favorite Dating Site, what can I do to help you?”

It’s not Astrid.

Not remotely.

For one, the voice is entirely humorless, entirely dead. Bored in a way she’s not capable of, he’s seen it as she prowled around this apartment he hates, looking for something to do. Also, it’s a guy.

“Hi, I—Hi, you’re not—I’m actually looking to get in touch with someone I met on your site—”

“What is your name, sir?”

“Hiccup Haddock, my username is—”

“PrincessOutpost?”

“Thanks for not making me say it out loud.” He was drunk when he thought of that. He was drunk when he made this stupid plan. He was sober when Astrid showed up, eyes bright and shoulders strong, breathing hard as she introduced herself and shook his hand.

So awkward. So pretty.

And no, that first time wasn’t great. It was…necessary, like spring cleaning, but after they talked…after they got to know each other…

“I’m afraid we can’t give information about any of our cancelled accounts to anyone but the police.”

“She cancelled?”

“The last profile that you interacted with is inactive, as of even earlier this morning.”

“That—come on, man, it—”

“I’m sure it was magical, but we are legally obligated not to give our customers information out.”

“I really just need a phone number or an address or…or a last name.”

“I get that sometimes you don’t get a chance to talk much—”

“Rude,” Hiccup snaps.

“But we are legally obligated to not give customers’ information to anyone but the police.”

“The police?” He pauses, picking Astrid’s eyeliner note up off of the bed and staring at it, resisting the stupid, fond, useless urge to swipe his thumb across her name.

“Yes, they’re men in blue who enforce the laws.”

“So, if I know she’d broken the law, you’re saying I could get that personal information.”

“Sir, our service doesn’t exist to help stalkers—”

“What about people who break and enter?”

#two night stand au #hiccstrid au #modern au #httyd fic #one more chapter methinks #i fought off melatonin to finish this because it kept haunting me

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diveronarpg · 4 years

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Congratulations, LIA! You’ve been accepted for the role of OLIVIA. Admin Julie: It’s always a delight to see you in our inbox, Lia -- imagine our joy when we saw you’d returned to us in the shape of our favorite sparrow, Omi! It’s been some time since we had her in play, which is a shame, because she’s one of our personal favorites. But you’ve pinned everything about Omi down to a T, from their characteristic skill and allure in trapping others with a few words and sharp gaze, to the way they’re wound around Verona’s fingers and don’t seem to realize... or choose not to. You’ve enthralled us once again, and we cannot wait to have you back on the dashboard and knee-deep in the chaos with Omi in your hands. Please review the CHECKLIST and send your account in within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias | Lia.

Age | 22

Pronouns | She/Her/Hers

Activity Level | I’m about to start my summer program, but since I’m only in class three days during next semester on online, I imagine I’ll have plenty of freetime. But knowing me, I’ll most likely log on every few days to knock out a few replies.

Timezone | EST (PST in two months (~:)

How did you find the rp? | The tag a few centuries ago.

Current/Past RP Accounts | honestly, all of my best characters were in DV :/ All 17 of them

IN CHARACTER

Character | Olivia AKA Yamamoto Omi

What drew you to this character? |

Omi is a character I’ve eyeballed during my time at DV, but someone I’ve never quite had the nerve to apply for. But it is the qualities that I initially shied away from that have inspired me to apply for them this time around. Even upon searching the origin of Omi’s name, I was fascinated by the worldliness and elusiveness it implied about their character. I came across two definitions, both of which I believe represented her character accurately:

1. OMI— magnificent; the sound of the universe

She is a walking contradiction— the product of love and violence— never truly lacking in either aspect within her lifetime. Maybe that is why she finally found community and comfort within Verona after venturing all over the world. As much as she might hate to admit, this very love and violence is what she’s comfortable with— it’s how she’s learned to thrive and survive. Though they never truly felt like themselves as they ventured around the world, they kept small pieces of each place they visited, all of which have made them into the Sparrow, the performer, that they are today. This is why I began viewing Omi as the sound of the universe. Vast and immeasurable, and not quite able to pinpoint to a single source. She is representative of an assembly of realities. She is never quite the same with each person she encounters, with them only receiving a snapshot or illustration of who she is, with the people she’s closest to receiving the most authentic parts of herself. To be a Sparrow is to participate— in Omi’s opinion— in one of the most precise crafts— an art form that only a select number can master. It is a performance, one in which they give their entirety to, oftentimes to the point that they sense themself slipping away, forgoing what they thought to be their true self and instead opting for the persona they have created. Somehow, being Omi the Sparrow is a far less difficult reality for her to face. What is expected of her is straightforward, her desires and fulfillment never changing very much. Omi the Sparrow always gets what she wants. Their heart is unbreakable, yet shared with everyone they encounter. The power and agency can be detected in her words, her mannerisms— she is completely sure of herself, and what she represents. But Omi— just plain Omi, questions herself constantly. She desires to be seen more than anything but is hesitant to show herself to another person. The weight of the secrets of others sometimes threatens to topple her over. What would their patrons think of their constant doubt? This was something they would never discover because she values her position more than she doubts herself. She loves luxury and security more than she questions who she is and who she’s become. She thrives in this simplistic power far more than she finds herself succumbing to it. And this leads me to what I love most about Omi. Her position allows her to wield a form of power that isn’t flashy or overt, or as obvious and clear cut as many people within the mob. It is subtle and it is dangerous. It is a power you least expect, which will certainly make her someone to look out for within the Verona. It is a power that she does not quite comprehend the magnitude and weight of as of now, but something I hope to develop over time.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? |

MONA— Their saving grace. There are seldom things Mona could do that would lessen the admiration that Omi holds for her, as this is the woman who they believed to have saved them, to introduce them to the boundless and limitless potential that they had. She did not introduce anything that was not there but instead nurtured the qualities that Omi already possessed for her to become one of the best, if not the best Sparrow that has glided through the various rooms and crannies of The Dark Lady thus far. Omi looks upon Mona as a big sister and is always aiming to please her, whether she recognizes that she’s actively doing so or not. But she is bound to cross her eventually— whether it is slight or monumental, and I believe Omi temporarily or permanently (dear lord idk if I could handle Mona not loving them pls sotkgoerkgose) falling from their grace would be an interesting concept to explore. So much of her existence is tied to Mona’s, and I think that it would take something like that occurring for her to recognize this. Who exactly would she be without Mona rescuing her? Would she have survived a day in the city without her? Having Omi deal with being without Mona would introduce some harsh truths. Could they truly rely on themself? Though she adamantly expresses her desire not to be possessed, is it that she truly enjoys being subjected to the whims of another person, so as long she is given the autonomy, luxury, and ability to wield some form of power? Would she simply be transferred from the hands of one power player to another, seeking out one of the mobs knowing they were the only other people who could give her what she truly desired?

FRIENDS ON THE OTHER SIDE— In the short time that Omi has spent in Verona, she’s acquired quite a few patrons from various walks of Veronesi royalty, but as much as she’s done her best to keep people at a distance, she’s also made a few friends. Chiko— whose hopes and dreams she’s carried with her since childhood— with them being one of the sole people to know Omi to near entirety. Felipe— the man who made her realize that even ghosts were capable of creating trouble for themselves, who she’d dared to offer real information about herself for whatever reason, finding something odd and compelling about the handsome enigma before her. Calina— their true match of wits, words, and worldliness— the person in which she’s entrusted with not just her fears and shortcomings, but her hopes and dreams, as well as them being that very person to set her heart aflutter. All of these people have something in common. In some shape or form, they are familiar with more than just Omi the Sparrow. I wonder what danger this could pose for her in the future. Would it be the person they are in essence that would land her in trouble? Chiko, the ruthless social climber, Felipe, who they knew trouble was always a short distance behind, and Calina, whose ties with the mob could only naturally come with trouble… couldn’t they? I want Omi to eventually land in some more trouble (maybe this could be something intertwined with my first plot, or potentially something entirely unrelated), and truly test how far she’s willing to go for the friendships she hopes to keep. Maybe it has to do with some information told to her in confidence; information she almost feels obligated to share with Mona. Will she refuse to do so, at the risk of the life and livelihood that she’s created for herself?

LOOSE ENDS— The past will always be the past for Omi— unless that past happened to make an appearance in the city of Verona. This isn’t something they would expect to occur, given that they have two dead parents, no siblings, or any known extended family. Maybe this would come in the form of Chiko— maybe some other unknown source would manage to dig up some sort of information to potentially be used against them. Regardless, I want Omi to be confronted with her past life, and for her to realize that the horror will always be apart of her, no matter how long that she’s attempted to evade it.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | Yes, but I think I would miss her more than any of my other characters ngl :(

IN DEPTH

In-Character Para Sample:

tw: mentions of death and violence

In The Dark Lady, Omi transformed into a blossom tinted mirror in which men and women alike looked upon in order to divest the realities they so desired. This functioned the similarity to a rose-tinted glass, their very persona the result of a thousand borrowed realities. In Omi, they sought the best version of themselves. They had the ability to morph into everything their patrons wanted, yet could not own, making them all the more desirable. There was something especially tantalizing about what appeared to be accessible, but ever so slightly out of a person’s reach. Even if the reality of things were that there was no chance in hell. Even if there had been a burgeoning disgust for each and every one of the wealthy, and corrupt person they encountered. Even if she’d been unable to scour away their caress no matter how many showers she subjected herself to in the early hours of the morning. How effortlessly she’d sold them a dream. How effortlessly they’d become enamored with The Dark Lady’s very own Japanese Cherry Blossom, a hand-picked artifact from Sakura to enjoy in their very own Verona. She bartered away a fantasy, and in exchange they fed her in secrets, each whisper only intensifying her power and allure. No amount of repulsion would change that they were damn good at their job. No amount of repulsion would change that she’d finally found where they’d belong.

They were notorious for their collection of extremely high heels, and rumor had it that not even a misstep had occurred in a single pair of them. Eyes danced over her as she glided into the casino, garnering an especially large crowd probably because of the fresh pixie cut she’d been sporting. Some days, Omi would linger, never quite sure whose attention she’d capture that day, but on other days, her presence had been requested by a specific patron. Today’s patron had been of particular importance. A well known Italian bureaucrat she’d actually managed to find rather endearing at times, despite her suspicion that he’d been spending more time with her than his own family. Nevermind that though. They had a sneaking suspicion that they were only moments away from stumbling upon a goldmine of information. They reckoned that this particular information could potentially make not just Mona, but both mobs particularly happy. Soon as they’d reached the Blackjack table, the patron, Patron E, swept her merrily into his arms, spinning her in place, resulting in her delighted laughter, clutching onto his shoulders to maintain her balance. Once he’d gotten his fill, she carefully placed a single kiss on each of his cheeks, taking in the scent of whiskey on his lips. No wonder he’d been especially playful. The whiskey had only begun their job for them. “Why, if it isn’t the most lovely person in all of Verona,” Patron E stated, grinning ear to ear. “I absolutely adored your old hair, bella, but with this cut, you somehow managed to become even more magnificent."

She smiles coyly, hands traveling down the lengths of his arms until meeting his hands, which he brought promptly to his lips for a kiss. "I was feeling spontaneous, E, but knowing you like it lifted a significant weight off my shoulder. Everyone else’s opinion be damned, but yours has always meant the world to me,” they coo in flawless Italian. “Is there anything else you noticed?"

His eyes drank her in hungrily, almost hungrier than usual, before returning to her eye level. "You’re wearing my good luck charm,” he responded with an almost childlike euphoria. Patron E had been referring to the deep V-Neck Dolce & Gabbana gown that had been purchased for her by another Patron of hers— Q— with the jet black of her hair only accentuating the Black sequins of the gown. She took it upon herself to take his hand and lift it above the both of them, completing a graceful, yet playful twirl to show off every sparkle and curve of the length of her body.

“Is that so?” she mused with her head tilted curiously on an axis. “It’s almost as if I wore especially for you, mio callo. You did tell me tonight was a big night for you, after all.” His eyes twinkled gratefully as he pulled out a seat for her at the blackjack table, settling into the seat next to him, her body positioned perpendicularly to his, taking absolutely no interest in the game before them. It had been a game she’d witnessed by the side of many men before him and would witness many men after him. Her knees were pressed against his thigh, with the leg closest to the table occasionally finding itself absentmindedly caressing his own. One hand consistently remained attached his shoulder, with their other hand assisting them in the delivery of their sweet nothings, cupping his ear to whisper everything he’d ever wished to discover. Together they laughed, flirted, and whispered— he drank and she carefully sipped, until the game finally came to a close, with him losing per usual. After that, the pair of them moved to a more intimate section of The Dark Lady, the place in which Omi would officially make her move for the information she sought. There he sat on the couch, with her comfortably positioned horizontally in his lap, her slender legs coiled around her legs, with her hand absentmindedly stroking his hair. She’d been telling him some story she’d invented ages ago, half-truths tumbling effortlessly from her lips as she illustrated her last days in Sakura. Once she was done, she began studying his features intently.

“See anything you like?” he asks her quietly, and she cups his chin before deciding he’d been worthy of an answer.

“I see something I like, but something different,” she began with faux perplexion. “Even beneath this red light, I can sense the excitement almost vibrating off of you. “It suits you. I wish you were always this happy when you saw me. Far less tense than usual.”

“Now, Omi, you know I feel most like myself when I’m with you. You always receive the best parts of me,” he says seriously as his hand cups her wrist. “But, to tell you the truth, I’ve come across some very good fortune. A good fortune that I believe will alter the trajectory of my life. I’ve struck a life-changing deal.”

“That’s amazing! I couldn’t be happier for you!” she exclaims softly, before falling into a demure pout. “This… deal won’t take you away from me now, will it?”

He chuckles at her pout as if him parting from her would truly be the most unfortunate occurrence in her 30 years of life. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head about a thing, Tesoro. The deal I’ve made has allowed me to acquire a large sum of money. And I have no plans of parting from you anytime soon.”

She smiles gratefully, yet sadly as if she can’t believe it. He looks at her, searching for an answer to her sadness. “What is it, il mio amore? Why do you look so blue?”

At that moment— the slightest pang of sadness sped through her. How effortlessly he had succumbed to her charm, to the point that she’d almost felt bad for the fool. “Well… the way you aren’t giving much information about the deal is only forcing me to draw my own conclusions. Ones in which I can’t help but assume that you’ve been put in a dangerous predicament, which is stopping you from telling because you’re afraid to get me into trouble.” He drew her closely, placing a soft kiss on each of her temples, then her forehead, then her lips.

“I wouldn’t let them harm a hair on your head, Omi. I hope you know that I mean that.” She resisted chuckling. She’d been nearly divinely protected. If anything it was him who wouldn’t be able to harm a hair on her head.

“Is this them you speak of…” she looks around carefully, knowing there was no one near, but doing it as if to accentuate her supposed fear. “The government…?” she offers him, and when he does not react, she places a long, lacquered pinky nail upon her lip. “Don’t tell me you’ve gotten yourself mixed up with one of the mobs, E—”

“Mixed up with the mobs?” he interrupts with a haughty chuckle. “Why, they’ve gotten themselves mixed up with me, dearest Omi. Sooner rather than later, both the Capulets and the Montagues will be feeding out of the palm of my hand.” How drunk had the man had to have been to have confessed such a silly sentiment? Or was it not the liquor at all, and simply Omi bearing witness to the limitless bounds of the male ego? Probably a mixture of both.

She shoves his shoulder gently, feigning shock. “You’ve either done something insanely brilliant or incredibly stupid. But I’ve always known you to be far too clever for the latter.”

With each curious caress, they’d managed to extract more and more information from their subject, his ego centering itself above all else— even his desire to live. He had to have known that, hadn’t he? Or had he simply been too foolish to even consider the danger he’d been putting himself in by leaving every detail of his plan upon Omi’s lips? How foolish he had beenShe shoves his shoulder gently, feigning shock. “You’ve either done something insanely brilliant or incredibly stupid. But I’ve always known you to be far too clever for the latter.”

“Someday…” he slurs, faced resting comfortably on her chest as she stroked the top of his head, his arms wrapped lovingly around her waist. “I’m gonna whisk you away. And just like that, you’ll be mine. Forever and always.”

Omi chuckles at this sentiment— ones she’s heard nearly a dozen times before. She’d had no desire to be one of his pretty things, not by him or any other person in this world for that matter.

“Why, E— I know if that were to occur, you’d be doomed to break my heart.” “Omi, you can’t truly believe that now… can you?” he says tilting his head upwards until their lips are only mere inches apart.

“I’m afraid I do, mi caro. Because the moment in which the magic begins to dwindle from your eyes when you look at me is the moment my heart is sure to break. I know that if we continue our occasional rendezvous that I’ll continue to be the loveliest I could be in your eyes. Oh— and I’m a terribly loud snorer. You wouldn’t sleep a minute in my presence.”

That had been enough to satisfy him, if only for a single moment. The very thought of him truly breaking her heart had been absurd, but the very thought of the blossom mirror cracking, the idea of her carefully constructed persona being exposed for being exactly that, alarmed her. Anything short of near perfection was unacceptable. She owed her to that and Mona. It would be at that moment that Omi would understand that she was no longer as good at her job as she needed to be. Surely that would not leave them desolate, they would still be a top-performing Sparrow after all. But they would no longer be the best, and no man or woman would ever take that away from them. Even if they meant keeping the majority of the world at a safe distance. Not when they’d finally found their people. Not when they’d finally answered their calling. Not when Verona was finally starting to feel like home.

Little did she know that this would be the last time she’d ever see Patron E. Just as she’d suspected, the information had been of immense value. Her reputation as the top Sparrow only increased tenfold, and she remained in Mona’s good graces, never tiring of her constant praise and doting. Word of his death returned to them from another one of their patrons even before it appeared even in the papers. Omi couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness for his widow and children. No woman and family should have their livelihood threatened by the likes of a stupid, stupid, stupid man.

She did not wear Q’s dress after that day. When she asked about it the next time he saw her, she began whispering a delightful tale about how her suitcase had mysteriously wound up missing upon returning from a brief trip to Paris, knowing she’d wind up with a new one before the conversation concluded…

#accepted #accepted: olivia

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fibula-rasa · 5 years

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Cosplay Under the Stars: Dorothy McGuire

The Enchanted Cottage (1945) was adapted from a 1921 play (of the same name) written by British playwright Arthur Wing Pinero. The story of a homely girl and a disabled veteran (maybe) transformed by love was intended as a hope-filled romance for the survivors of World War I. In the 1945 adaptation, the filmmakers tried to update the story to a WWII setting to what I will forgivingly call mixed success.

Dorothy McGuire plays Laura, a plain woman who takes a housekeeping job at a former honeymoon cottage in New England. Robert Young plays Oliver, an upper cruster who enlists in the Air Force and comes home with a disability and disfigurement in the form of an unusable right arm and facial scarring. Herbert Marshall is John, a concert pianist and a veteran of the First World War, in which he was blinded. When he returns from war disfigured, Oliver’s fiancee breaks off their engagement and he decides to seclude himself at the cottage. Oliver and Laura spend more time together, grapple with their respective perceived shortcomings, and fall in love in the process. From this synopsis alone you might see one of the weirder implications this movie makes. Not being conventionally attractive is not comparable to being disabled and/or disfigured. Even considering that Cottage is from a more conservative time and was made in a beauty-obsessed place like Hollywood, I find the parallel a stretch at best.

It’s an old tradition for actors to take on roles where they ugly up as a signifier of their skill and commitment and it’s often rewarded with critical plaudits and award nominations. Unfortunately, the trend is still going strong. Also unfortunately, Cottage leans into the practice harder than it needs to. McGuire’s performance has so much more dimension to it than flat hair, no makeup, and unflattering lighting.

That’s why I chose to cosplay both versions of her character Laura, the one everyone else sees and the one Oliver sees–to highlight that these simple cosmetic changes are a hokey veil over a commendable performance. McGuire portrays Laura’s blossoming over the two years she’s at the cottage and eventual personal fulfillment in small ways. It’s in her posture, her eye contact, her gestures, and even the volume of her speaking voice. Laura is established as a kind and amiable woman from the very start and by the end, she’s still that kind amiable woman, simply with more self-possession.

READ ON below the jump!

Robert Young’s Oliver is a whole other matter. The updated story doesn’t settle all its accounts when it comes to the different social structures around and attitudes toward disabled/disfigured veterans following WWII in contrast to WWI. Apparently, this was a point of contention for contemporary moviegoers as well. That Oliver would cut and run and isolate himself didn’t seem like a believable course of action for audiences in 1945, given the expansion of services offered by the VA at the time. Compounding the issue is that the original story took place in England not New England.

The potential I see that wasn’t fully executed is that Oliver’s most pressing problem could be an internal struggle and reshaping his self image. It’s clear that Oliver won’t want for money or resources because of his disability. Yet, his fiancee rejects him and his already overbearing parents immediately shift to infantilizing him. So, needing space to deal with his trauma and his own ableism before then having to cope with society’s ableism (as reflected in his parents and fiancee) would be reasonable and understandable. Aspects of this are present in the film, with Oliver debating if his initiating a romantic relationship with Laura is selfish because he thinks he’s undesirable and knows that she will accept him (hi there, internalized ableism).

(Oliver would be even better with authentic casting, although that wouldn’t have been feasible for this role at the time. It would be today of course. And, as an FYI, authentic casting would not have been a new concept by 1945.)

All told, what really puts me off here is how Oliver’s disfigurement is presented across the film. His face is often lit and photographed to emphasize a monstrous quality about it. And, if The Enchanted Cottage is a story that’s meant to hearten people in his situation, making a spectacle of Oliver’s scarring undermines that majorly. This contributes to a message that the character is still human and worthy of love *in spite* of his scars. What this ends up achieving is a show of benevolent prejudice that feeds the predispositions of benevolently prejudiced viewers. If your goal is truly sympathetic representation, the statement should be that the character is a human being and their marginalizations are part of who they are and *may* be something they have to contend with, if that’s the nature of the story.

Last but not least, we have Herbert Marshall. Marshall was a real-life disabled veteran who lost his leg in WWI–though here he plays a veteran who was blinded in the war. (Note: Marshall predominantly played abled characters in his films.) On one hand, Marshall’s John has a successful career and a loving family (a sister and nephew), but he’s a desexualized saintly figure used to guide the more abled characters in their love story with schmaltzy sagacity–another already tired stereotype in fiction by 1945. Oddly, I misremembered this aspect of the film and thought that John also developed romantic feelings for Laura. In addition, the introduction of this character in the WWII update lacks some depth because there’s so little effort put into showing the differences of being a disabled vet of WWI, vs WWII.

I know I just spent a whole lot of time talking about how The Enchanted Cottage could be better, but it really is worth checking out. All this is to say that there are so many threads of a better movie that don’t all tie together. It has plenty of saving graces, including a great supporting cast of characters–especially Spring Byington as Oliver’s mother and Mildred Natwick as Mrs. Minnett, the cottage owner. There’s more heart to The Enchanted Cottage than a lot of modern romance movies that feature disabled characters despite its overwrought execution. Adequate disability representation is still something the movie industry struggles with, but progress hasn’t happened in a straight line.

Of course, this story can’t really avoid one major representation problem: the suggestion that like belongs with like. I’m hoping I don’t have to explain in full why that’s a troubling implication, especially regarding disability and disfigurement. Regardless, The Enchanted Cottage is worth watching for its place in the history of disability representation on film and especially for Dorothy McGuire’s performance. I can’t exactly say I like the movie, but it’s one that I keep returning to because, frankly, it’s an odd one that’s endlessly interesting to think and talk about.

The Enchanted Cottage is on demand now through TCM’s app!

#dorothy mcguire #Cosplay Under the Stars #Summer Under the Stars #suts #tcm #turner classic movies #classic film #classic movies #cosplay #cosplayers of tumblr #closet cosplay #1940s #The Enchanted Cottage #disability on film #disability representation #vintage inspiration #vintage beauty #romance

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vacantbloodbones · 5 years

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The Disappointing Crimes of JKR

so it’s 2 am and I have a fight to finally get home (i’ve been MIA for a while because I needed a vacation tbh) THIS IS A LOOOONG ONE, YOU’VE BEEN WARNED! but on one of my flights I finally got to watch FB2 and it’s taken me a while to gather my thoughts. Like, I knew the disappointing confusion I was signing up for... I had seen SO many YT reviews on the film and from HP fans to just FB1 fans had gathered their opinions... and it was all negative... So I had my apprehension going into watching this (thank fuck it was free) and I’ve got a lot of my own opinions to say... So if you are aware of myself, you know that I actually loved FB1 and how the flow and characters went. Genuinely, I think as a stand alone film it was actually a good, comprehensive piece of story and film; you had exposition, build up, character development, tension, climax and fallout/outro/conclusion... So, what went OH SO WRONG in FB2, in my humble-ass opinion? Well, lets get into this adventure with me, pals... stick with me as I rant my good ol’ heart out, grab some snacks, a drink, maybe some liquor of choice (in my case). In the beginning, there was... well, absolute confusion??? For an entrance into a film, especially a franchise that has a previous film, I firmly believe there needs to be SOMETHING that explains and ties the previous entry to the latest one... Especially since this series hinges on a handful of characters (Newt, Tina, Credence, Grindelwald, and Queenie + Jacob) and to just throw us into Gellert’s VERY confusing transfer to Europe’s Ministry to answer for his crimes... The intro threw me off; there’s a time jump and there’s an extreme LACK of having our previously established characters development and fallout from the first film being EXPLAINED so we (audience) can make a connection to this next entry. Like, Credence’s survival (yes, I’m well aware of the deleted scenes that were actually supposed to be shown at the end of FB1 according to Yates...) because we don’t get to connect the dots on screen of HOW and WHY Credence and his Obscurus survived with the additional information of his Obscurus being HANDLED (like, wasn’t the premise of the previous film the urgency of how this THING was going to KILL him and EVERYONE in NYC?), him finding his adoption paper, getting to Paris and into a travelling circus (which, also... makes no sense??)... We’ll put a pin on that for a bit here... Also, Tina and Newt’s relationship; we really are left wondering how and why they are even romantically involved as the first film established them as strangers to mutual friends at the end... Something that should’ve been shown on screen could’ve been Newt choosing to continue his Beasts studies and books over staying and risking himself being in America for his love interest, Tina. Again, put a pin on that for now... But instead, I just felt the into to the film was as vapid as JKR’s writing when she simply just doesn’t care for CONTINUITY and actually making sense of ANYTHING. But nnnooooo, we just get an hour and a half of meaningless exposition and threads that aren’t even expanded or given closure to... Gellert putting Abernathy as his doppelganger really pissed me off, because we never are shown an inkling as to WHY Abernathy chose or perhaps had always been on Gellert’s side (could’ve even expanded on the idea of Abernathy playing a role in Percival’s capture/implied death in the first film)... Even Seraphina doesn’t mention or show ANYTHING about their most powerful wandless wizard being GONE... he was SOMEONE alive and WORKING in MACUSA for a substantial amount of time... that had connections, powers above anyone, and obvious trust and influence to Seraphina... which also begs the question, why is there such a heavy emphasis on Gellert using his wand magic, when he had been using wandless while impersonating Mr. Graves? Now, to get into another huge issue; character development continuity: How did the time jump from the intro give us very DIFFERENT characters than the one’s we had been introduced, learned to love/hate be turned into vacant shells of all their development? Like, I’m sorry but what in the actual FUCK did JKR do with Queenie’s character? She seemed like a genuinely sweet and subtly powerful witch that used her gifts to her advantage... to this, desperate, powerless, and lost character? The Queenie we were shown had a sparkle for adventure and curiosity that gradually came to admire Jacob and truly was heart broken when his memory was erased--to kidnapping him, putting a love charm against his will, and forcing him to go to London with her? She acted the very opposite of who she is and she seemed to have strong morals to stand by her sister’s side, help no-maj’s out, and using her powers for what she felt was right.... To being hapless in Paris, because she wouldn’t own up to her kidnapping and using magic on Jacob against his will, and then DECIDING to JOIN Gellert’s very VAGUE AND STRANGE CULT. Newt seemed more like a confused boy the entire installment with flashes of him and his abilities with connecting to beasts, thrown into this second installment as a reminder that “fantastic beasts” is in the title of the movie... Also the broken up dialogue; I DIDNT GET A SINGLE STRAIGHT ANSWER IN ANY GODDAMN CONVERSATION HELD BY ANY CHARACTER! like WOW for a two hour+ movie I got ZERO dialogue that made me go ‘ahhh i get it now!’ no, everyone was running away from each other like a grade-school gym dance. Jacob was still, sort of, Jacob... but he and Newt’s friendship didn’t feel authentic in this film as it did in the previous. The banter (or lack thereof) was kind of just a callback to me of saying ‘ahahaha, dont you remember Jacob being funny in the last movie????? well look at this funny moment thats totally not needed!’ EVERYONE AVOIDING EACH OTHER FROM MISCOMMUNICATION LIKE THEYRE TEENAGERS REALLY MADE THE ADULT TONE OF THE LAST FILM JUST FALL FLAT... I had screamed internally every time some interaction happened and then someone RUNS AWAY! like, aren’t they adults??? even HP films has young TEENS being more accountable and willing to talk than every adult in this MOVIE. Lets get into Gellert’s confusing vague cult of reasoning; Gellert’s wishes and aspirations and him killing people and children to comparing his reasoning that he will stop WW2 with his hookah skull... just didn’t make sense, I’ll also add that Gellert’s LACK of character really just pissed me off, like, Voldemort wasn’t revealed until waaaay later and even when he was a face on the back of someone’s bald ass head; made a more CONVINCING and REASONED character with his motives. Gellert just seemed like a casual shit disturber and running a murderous vague cult because Albus won’t do shit and he knows it... He’s like an angsty teenager that never got had someone sit and hug it out type deal. Also, the way he treats his followers and the lack of showing HOW he got so many followers; like, I’m sorry but how did this angsty man-baby get followers???? Oh, right, he used his words that... AGAIN, fall goddamn short even when we FINALLY got to see his “gathering” and “speech” that was so hyped for almost 2 hours... It didn’t make sense to his reasoning or why he was acting out IMHO. Alright, now let’s get to the character introduction... or really, half-assed intro to the many people I COULDNT CARE FOR... Expect my personal surprise with Theseus, we’re introduced to a man that seems more compelling and complex than Gellert (seriously tbh). Somehow we’re led to believe a guy who constantly (as we’re shown) to reach out to Newt that HES the one making their relationship complicated? When it becomes apparent that Leta and Newt are the two with complicated history and Theseus loves them both deeply????? Enough that he just stands back knowing damn well Newt and Leta have a past but he’s secure in his relationship between all both people he just wants them all to get along. Now, I get that Theseus wants Newt to be an Aura, but we’re also shown he has his reasons to help Newt (ultimately); Theseus showed more character development than ANYONE in this ENTIRE MOVIE (well Albus is second in this) but him CHASING HIS BROTHER TO GET ANSWERS is somehow ‘BAD TEMPER’ according to Tina... like really, almost all the female characters were lacking level-headed sanity purposely written by JKR so I would resent the characters I had grown to actually like???? Nagini is just thrown into the plot as a mother-like figure for Credence but Credence is displayed as some selfish man-child, he can’t reason with Nagini and it leads to their strange relationship ending with Nagini feeling betrayed. And then there’s Leta and her over-played storyline to be cut short by her sacrifice that literally didn’t do anything for the plot but make me want to punch a wall because Theseus is left with a broken heart and a brother who will ditch him in a minute to talk to Albus... There were other characters that were so lacking in development that if any or all of them died, I felt like I could still sleep like a baby knowing that JKR had made such shitty vapid characters and lack of development, I felt NOTHING for practically everyone. Albus, Theseus, and Queenie had the most emotional complexity but even then, I’m giving them kudos because everything else was lacking so much I clung onto whoever threw an emotional fit first. The whole dynamic between Albus, Gellert, and Credence really just angered me. Red herring the entire premise of Credence wanting to know his identity so DESPERATELY he was willing to join Gellert’s vague emo posse of a cult, only to be revealed as not a Lestrange (which we had been hyped tf up to know) as, instead, THE BRO ALBUS AND NOBODY IN THE HP UNIVERSE APPARENTLY KNEW OR WAS EVER EXPLAINED JUST WHY ALBUS’ BABY BROTHER IS ON A BOAT TO AMERICA (i’M GUESSING THIS EXPOSITION WILL BE EXCRUCIATINGLY TOLD ONLY TO BE SOME OTHER LIE AND BAM CREE IS DEAD)???? But YES lets not elaborate on the queer baiting of Credence, Albus, and Gellert... JKR just wanted to hype us up for nothing and all of Credence’s development and complexity is summed up to ‘lol ur a dumbledore, cree’ really is a slap to the face. Albus being trapped a majority at the school was a half-ass way for us to not have Albus confront Credence to get him to fin d his answers at Hogwarts... Lets be real. But basically, everyone wasn’t themselves, people we were introduced to were flatlined or placed in stereotypical tropes, and every exposition turn was a red herring thats never elaborated on or concluded... the lack of goddamn comprehensive dialogue, and we got queer baited by the ever infamous JKR.... and my final take: WHERE THE FUCK IS PERCIVAL GRAVES????? So, this was my long-ass ranting about this movie and why I probably watched it for the criminal reasoning to hurt myself and be disappointed in the end... Was i surprised? NO. Am I going to watch the next installment... maybe... just for closure to this epic failure of a second installment. Thanks for making it to the end, I hope this was less painful than the actual film.

#crimes of grindelwald #fantastic beasts #FB2 #spoilers #rant #thanks for tuning in #cog spoilers

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lightsandlostbells · 5 years

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Skam France, season 3, episode 1 reaction

here we go again

So I’m actually pretty intrigued going into this season, because on the one hand, I had some giant problems with Skam France’s first two seasons, and I know a lot of people felt that it was one of the weaker remakes (myself included). On the other hand, unlike with S2, they were able to adjust for viewer feedback with S3, possibly course correcting for some of the common complaints, and they’ve promised a lot of changes to a beloved story. It will be interesting to see how much Skam France grows into its own this season.

Also that Maxence guy sure has a face

I was not a fan of Skam France’s S1 and S2; up to this point, I’d say it’s my least favorite remake. So upfront, here are my main concerns going into the season:

The biggest problem with S1 and S2 was that it was such a copy and paste of the original show, to the point where it didn’t make sense a lot of the time. It was often like they’d redone 80-90% of the original material, with some slight changes, but then they failed to account for how those slight changes would affect the story or the scene. So we got weird inconsistencies and contradictions because the writers didn’t take out stuff from the original that no longer made sense. Or jokes or events happening without the setup that made it work. Characterization that didn’t feel natural or play to the actors’ strengths. Now we have learned that apparently the Skam France crew wanted to do more changes but were told to not stray too much, and that they have been given much more leeway to deviate from the original show with their S3 and S4. S3 and especially S4 are supposed to be heavily changed; I really hope they’re not exaggerating and that they’re going to be making bigger changes like story elements and plot structure, to the point where we can’t predict the upcoming clips based on the original show.

Skam France lacks a lot of the authenticity of the original and other remakes, such as casting older professional actors for many of the roles, or the overall more “polished” look and vibe of the show. Which cannot be changed at this point, and which does not bother everyone, but for me it can seriously detract from the material. It’s one thing to watch spotty teens act like spotty teens and screw up and act immature; it’s another to watch 22-25 year-old hotties make the same mistakes on screen, because I can’t completely reconcile the fact that maybe they should know better by now, heh. Rawness and vulnerability are such an essential part of Skam’s storytelling and so they need to account for that. Actually I think that’s why they reaaaaally need to dig deep into the quiet and “mundane” moments, because often those come across as some of the most emotionally fragile.

Don’t hate me: Lucas was one of my least favorite characters on Skam France in the previous seasons and my least favorite Isak across Skams. (I mean, it had to be one of them?) It’s nothing against the actor as a person but I always felt like he was acting rather than giving a natural performance. And not gonna lie, I was kind of creeped out by him in a way I haven’t felt with other Isaks. Like when he was snaking Emma, or when she called him on it and he had to respond, I didn’t get any sense of ambiguity or conflict or messiness - there was something a little blank and robotic about the way he was reacting. Not just in an “Isak is putting on a fake persona” way but in a “I would not be surprised if this dude had a collection of human heads in a freezer somewhere” way. But I am willing to give him another chance! There is more emotional range from his character in this season, and hopefully love will bring out more softness in him. With the changes to S3, maybe they’ll also play more to his strengths, and incorporate more organic and original moments so he’s not stuck recreating Isak’s greatest hits.

Scenes are RUSHED to fit the time limits per episode. This I dread, because S3 has so many scenes that are dependent on the pacing. Part of the effectiveness of Hjernen er alene or Minutt for minutt, for example, was that we got to listen to the long pauses, the silence. The scenes felt languid and peaceful and took time to let the atmosphere build. Skam France frequently didn’t have time for that, and consequently the mood of the clip often didn’t land, the actors had to rush through their dialogue instead of sinking into their characters’ emotions thoroughly. The best way to fix this would be to rewrite scenes so they’re not rushed - like instead of trying to cram a seven minute scene into four, rewrite the scene so there’s only four minutes of material, if you get what I mean. Or write a new scene that works within the time frame. Eliminate scenes that might not be necessary - personally every scene in Skam S3 feels necessary to me, but that might not be the case with Skam France S3 due to changes in the story.

Overuse of music. Skam France is one of several remakes that use music in almost every clip, typically in predictable ways - song starts clip, song ends clip over the credits. It lessens the impact of the soundtrack and makes it feel more obligatory and less vital to the scenes. So stick to music that matters and helps the tone or impact of the clips, rather than shoehorning it just because.

The directing could feel detached/distant in a way that didn’t serve the material. At the same time, sometimes it also got so OTT and soap opera-ish that it was comical. Hopefully they can find a balance that serves the characters’ emotions without going overboard.

Previously they filmed two seasons at one so they couldn’t make changes based on viewer feedback. That’s still in effect here, as we’re getting both S3 and S4 this spring. If there’s something people hate about S3, they can’t change it in S4. However, they did have plenty of time to incorporate feedback from the first two seasons before making S3 and S4, so I do have a lot of hope that they have fixed some of the biggest flaws. We know that they have changed a title of an episode to be “the boy who was afraid of the dark” so I believe they have changed the rebirth symbolism from Skam S3 into something different, probably light and dark symbolism to match Lucas’ name associations with light, and that is a huge step in the right direction.

Anyway, that’s out of the way, so here’s the actual episode.

Episode 1

Clip 1 - Sad reflection time

The very first clip of the season is new and not an adaptation, so that’s a promising start.

Lucas is sitting alone on a bench in a park. Lots of social media WhatsApp messages and Facebook notifications going off. The boy squad is talking about going to Emma’s party later and bringing beer and weed. Lucas stares moonily at man-woman pairs and a group of girls. I don’t think either do much for him. He puts the phone in his pocket. He sees a group of dudes and is perhaps more affected, so maybe he finds one of them attractive, or he’s just reminded of his own social situation, wishing he could be completely relaxed with his squad and not hiding a secret from them. The title of this clip was “Disconnected” which he obviously is, surrounded by people but still alone. He blue steels into the distance as we cut to the title card.

I usually save social media comments for the end, but the best part of this clip is the juxtaposition with Lucas’ IG post made right before this clip. A shot of the park, about him living his best life. Of course that’s some giant irony, because we know from the clip that he’s not living his best life, he’s detached from everyone around him and unhappy. So either he made that post with a lot of sarcasm, or specifically to put up the appearance that he’s fine. Or both.

Clip 2 - Good thing they were on the ground floor?

WILD N CRAZY TEEN PARTY TIME

Daphne is talking to a girl, but gets interrupted when a guy enters to make out with the girl. Daphne is like … OK then! And walks away. Daphne, my #1 of Skam France, I missed you the most.

Daphne goes to dance with Emma who also is drawn away by make-outs, this time with Raptor Alex. Daphne again is like ... OK then! She looks around and sees so many couples making out at this party. So I guess she’s gonna feel romantically and sexually frustrated like Vilde did in S3.

I got a laugh at her trying to connect with that younger girl over not connecting with anyone, when some dude swoops in to kiss that girl. Poor Daphne, trying to assert her older wisdom, be so helpful, and it didn’t work out.

In the kitchen we see our French boy squad. Arthur (glasses), Basile (no glasses), and Yann and Lucas of course.

Can I just say, thanks Skam France for adding to the scant glasses rep across these damn remakes? It’s wild to me that there are so few characters who have glasses in the Skam Extended Universe. There’s Amira from Druck, Luca from wtFOCK, Poonam from Skam Austin ... errr… that guy who sat next to Noora in S1 … some of the theater kids ... did I forget anyone?

Lucas talks about an attractive girl by saying, “Who cares about the size of the boobs?” which is truly a 100% authentic statement from a bonafide Kinsey 0 heterosexual man, yessir.

They’re interrupted by a girl running to the sink to puke. The boy squad is really funny with their reactions, Arthur is already winning me over with his facial expressions. I laughed at Arthur and Yann in the background when Lucas is flirting.

French Emma is called Chloé. Lucas gets Basile to take over hair-holding duties. Not gonna lie, I don’t really buy Lucas as this dude with mad game when Yann is right there (or Arthur, probably). Yann has got to be just as smooth. But they gave Lucas more helpful dialogue, I guess? It’s still slick like Isak but a little milder, he’s trying to calm down Chloé, he doesn’t neg her. So perhaps that helped him win her over.

He also shotguns with her which would be smooth except about 3% of the smoke made it into her mouth, but then again she seems like a novice so she probably didn’t care.

Their moment is interrupted by Maria hacking some more, but soon she and the other boys leave, and Lucas and Chloé make out. This is a pretty big divergence from Isak, who started making out with Emma while his friends were present. It was all a performance, and he clearly got uncomfortable once he was alone with Emma and eventually shuts it down. Lucas’ flirting is presumably a performance, too, but he could’ve stopped it after the boys left. Instead he goes forward with it.

Lucas does not start to show signs of discomfort until they’ve moved to the hallway and Chloé is unbuttoning his shirt and kissing his neck. We didn’t really see him show much doubt up until this point - like we saw Isak take a moment to gather himself when he realized he would have to flirt with Emma in the bathroom, the boys were pointing out it was “his girl.” But Lucas didn’t seem to falter until this point. I wish they’d shown more conflict earlier in the clip since they are emphasizing him putting on an act (like with the IG post). IDK if there’s also more of a self-imposed struggle he’s going through - maybe he’s also putting more pressure on himself to hook up with girls, not just to look straight but to be straight? It seemed like he might have even gone through with hooking up with Chloé had the cops not come up to the door. He was even starting to kiss her neck back.

When the cops show up, he takes advantage of the distraction and literally runs away from Chloé and jumps out a window, which is HILARIOUS, except this dude just dropped the weed on the floor in plain sight. Lucas, you’re a dingus.

I want jumping out of the window to become some symbolic running gag much like Isak struggling with his locker was, like every time Lucas has a problem he jumps out of the nearest window, in an increasingly dramatic fashion with glass spraying everywhere or him leaping out of an exploding building several stories onto the roof of a car. Doesn’t matter the situation, if there’s a window and an issue he doesn’t want to face, he ain’t gonna take the stairs. And I guess at one point the window won’t open so he has to stop jumping and running from his problems, and then his version of O Helga Natt involves climbing up and going through a window. But mostly the increasingly dramatic exits.

Clip 3 - Mika, Lisa, Manon, and a cranky gay hamster

The Skam France team got the most important detail of Isak’s season right, which is the box of tissues beside Lucas’ bed.

When Lucas wakes up he has a text from his mom, a message about going to church and praying for God to punish Lucas’ father for his sins, which SURE IS SOME SHIT. That isn’t just happy cloud religion, it’s hoping a vengeful God will strike down your enemies.

The text itself seems … coherent? Just religious. IDK if anything was lost in translation. Isak’s mom’s texts often seemed more rambling, or straight-up Bible verses about sin.

But hurrah, they’re keeping the religious themes in this season! Lucas is another Biblical name so I’m interested to see how they develop that symbolism.

Lucas’ mom says she is praying for the both of them and that she misses him, so there’s more of a sense of wanting to connect with her son - like Isak’s mom’s texts were pretty intimidating and I could see how he’d feel closed off from them and would find them more judgmental and a sign of her mental illness more than anything, not necessarily a sign of her missing her son. Lucas’ mom is more clearly reaching out to him, I guess he’s just not responding or giving anything back.

Yann texts Lucas that the police found stuff at Emma’s, and he wants to know if Lucas has the weed. Lucas is trying to find the weed when Mika and Lisa come in with Manon on the phone. Lucas does not greet Manon with enthusiasm although we will see that they’ve got a fairly warm relationship.

Mika has an Alt Er Love phone case, which is very cute and a sweet nod to Skam! Every season of Skam France so far has had a shout-out to the original show, which I think is a nice gesture.

Mika says Lucas has problems like “how to get a girl to deflower him” which sure is an interesting comment. Either Mika truly does not suspect anything, which is doubtful, IMO, or he’s just covering for him in front of Manon or trying to make Lucas feel like they don’t know his secret, which is considerate of him.

Mika compares Lucas to no better than a hamster because all he does is sleeps, eats, and poops, like a hamster and Lisa thinks that it would’ve been better to get a hamster. Lucas gives her an offended look. LMAO.

Manon is being nice to Lucas, which is sweet of her. She has Lucas show off the apartment. So this is a different apartment from season 2? Were they not able to get the other one? Occam’s Razor, I assume this was a filming/location issue.

Manon asks about the rent and Lucas says his dad feels bad because he can’t take him in, so he’s helping Lucas out. Wasn’t Manon supposed to pay for Lucas’ rent because her parents didn’t know she was moving out of the flat and in with Charles? I guess their patronage stopped because she couldn’t avoid telling them that she was leaving for London with Charles. Which makes me wonder why they bothered to keep in that part at all last season. (Or maybe again, because they had to switch apartments so Manon’s parents wouldn’t unknowingly pay for someone’s rent in a place she’d never lived.)

Manon asks about Lucas’ mom, whether she will be OK, and he says that she’ll be OK (obviously he is not sure of that), and then she asks if Lucas is seeing someone. Doubtful that he realizes how loaded that question is, considering Manon has seen what’s on his phone! He does this blatant lie where he pretends Mika is calling for his phone back to avoid answering.

I do not actually get why they’re doing Manon in London? Or why they redid this scene so closely? In OG S3, there were several reasons this scene existed, such as showing the mother’s religious text and Jonas asking about the weed, and planting some seeds for Isak being uncomfortable with some of Eskild’s behavior (like Eskild talking about lavender scent). But it was also a way to explain that Isak was living at Kollektivet, and a followup to Noora after her season and a setup to explain why William wasn’t around anymore, and we don’t need either of those things here. Manon directly offered her room to Lucas at the end of S2, so we know he would be living there, and there’s no reason to write off Charles because the actor isn’t leaving the show. The only thing you’d kinda need to address is why they’re in a different apartment, which could be easily explained with a line or two or dialogue (Mika or Lisa complaining that something was better/worse at the old apartment).

Noora’s whole subplot of sorts in S3, with her and William going to London and her returning when their relationship faltered ... I don’t know what Julie’s plans were had Thomas Hayes not left the show, but that definitely seemed like a development necessitated by his decision. Julie even managed to write in some parallels between Isak’s and Noora’s romantic situations to create some thematically relevant material from this development. But we still don’t actually need to do that with Skam France! The actor who plays Charles isn’t going anywhere from what I know. Like I don’t get why they can’t just have Manon and Charles living at their own place, as planned, and then they’re in the background with parties and stuff. Especially keeping in mind the time restrictions on the episodes, and that they’ll likely need to cut stuff, and this is something that could probably go without affecting the main story.

Skam Italia also wrote out the Noora character and sent her to England during their Isak’s season, too, and I thought it was kinda unnecessary, although that I can understand more because they switched S2 and S3, so it was a reason to keep Eleonora away from Edoardo (the William) until her own season. But overall it’s not something that I think needs to be carried over from remake to remake. I hope they have a good reason to send Manon away other than just repeating the story from the original show, especially considering that IMO that drama ended up dragging down season 4 (but that’s a whoooooole different essay).

Clip 4 - That’s enough, Basile

It’s school on Monday and Daphne is running around the courtyard, handing out flyers. Daphne’s existence is one thing that improves any Monday, personally.

The boy squad is all pissing in a row, sans Lucas, who’s on his phone waiting for the others. Once again he is disconnected from his pals, this time from the manliest of all male bonding rituals, the synchronized bladder release.

Yann and Arthur wash their hands and Basile does not, so guess who is going straight to the bottom of my boy squad rankings? Ewwww.

And he says it’s because he touched the girl’s butt on Saturday? …. The girl who was puking? Yeah, he could not plummet faster.

Basile starts going off about a wildlife documentary, referring to “females” as marking their scent on males, and IDK if the connotations are the same in French but men referring to women as “females” outside of a scientific context usually is a red flag.

And he hasn’t washed his hands since Saturday? But he’s jerked off???? I’m gonna puke. Yann points out he’s gonna smell like dick.

This conversation tanked Basile for me, because afterwards I could not stop thinking of his stank hands whenever he was on screen.

Daphne hands the flyers to the guys. She’s renovating the common room and is gonna make it “the place to be”. I guess they’ve just dropped her awesome party or whatever? Or is that happening in S4? Even though it’s kinda pointless, wasn’t it supposed to attract older boys and make the girl squad really cool? It’s been like over a year since they wanted to plan that, lol.

Basile seems super into Daphne and is willing to do the project, although Arthur is like, no, you aren’t. Basile, you have time to grow on me, but right now I do not approve of you hooking up with Daphne with your disgusting unwashed hands. She deserves The Best.

The other guys think Daphne is weird but Basile thinks she’s hot, so you know, he has that going for him. Though I think he would fall for any woman who acknowledged his existence. He would fall in love with the Annabelle doll if it looked his way.

Lucas gives the others a high five as he leaves, except for Basile, because he says Basile is disgusting. My favorite thing Lucas has ever done, tbh.

Basile does a pratfall over the bench on the way to class. That’s one way to get Daphne’s attention! But what makes it really funny is that Arthur stumbles over a rock at the EXACT SAME TIME in the background. I mean Basile is obsessing over everyone woman in the vicinity when clearly he and Arthur have some kind of soul bond going. (Arthur is probs too good for Basile, though. Arthur/Yann all the way.)

Things that did not appear in this clip: penguins, helicopters, treasure maps, mysterious hot new students making eyes at Lucas. Clearly there was no reason for any of those to be present. I don’t even know why I mentioned it.

(This aired on January 21st, Skam France, do you even know your audience???) (JK but for real.)

Clip 5 - The beginning of a beautiful friendship

Lucas stares at his teacher, who is wearing a sheer top that reveals her bra. I have to say he doesn’t look like uninterested. Arthur comments on it, too, that Lucas is checking out the hot teacher. Which is what I would believe if I did not have deeper insight into Lucas’ preferences.

Imane shows up and shoos Arthur away, and she asks Lucas whether he lost something on Saturday. When he asks, “What are you talking about?” she’s like, “Your virginity.” HA, that is an excellent burn, Lucas is toast.

We didn’t see Imane when Lucas jumped out the window, but she had to have been nearby for her to realize it was Lucas’ weed instead of anyone else’s. He didn’t take the time to plant it, he just dropped it, so that was less snake-like than Isak. And maybe a little less deserving of the roasting that Imane gives him, since this isn’t a matter of him being inconsiderate, just dumb. Sana was pissed off that Isak would do something like that on purpose and potentially get Eva in trouble; Lucas did it by accident. I guess the end result is the same if weed was found at Emma’s house, no matter how it was left behind.

Imane says they find Daphne’s project annoying, too, so I assume they’re all just doing this to make Daphne happy.

When Imane gets up to leave the teacher is like, no, Alexia and Arthur are now partners and Imane and Lucas are now together. Both Lucas and Imane look positively thrilled about this. Just delighted. I think Arthur’s reaction is meant to be sarcastic but lmao, dude, you get to work with Alexia, that’s a damn privilege.

Clip 6 - Lucas is bad at subtlety

It’s time for Daphne’s meeting! Just the girl squad, boy squad, maybe that girl who was making out with Lucas, and no other new characters of importance.

Lucas shows up, looking as eager as you’d expect. The girls are there sans Manon. They talk about how sad and depressing the room is. It looks OK to me? Like, not super warm and inviting, but they describe it like it’s Azkaban. Daphne is the only one who’s peppy and says they’re going to turn it into something so great people won’t want to leave high school. That sounds like the premise for a horror movie.

Some dudes show up and Daphne is all ready to greet them to her meeting. At first I thought that this lounge was their usual place to hang out, since it looks like one of them had a board game or something, and they had zero idea that a meeting would be happening, lmao.

We get another shot out of the window and for a second I was wondering if a mysterious new student might be standing below, lurking around, perhaps stalking somebody.

The boy squad actually joins Lucas for this meeting, which is nice of them, although in a second I’m going to wish they’d stayed away. Basile thinks Daphne is winking at him, Arthur says she’s just rubbing her eye. Why couldn’t Arthur be the one ship-teased with Daphne?

Oh, and Chloé has arrived. She sends a non-imaginary wink toward Lucas. I know she’s probably not going to stay that way, but for now Chloé is a very cute person.

Just as the boys are telling Lucas that Chloé is into him and asking about their hookup on Saturday, some male model just walks off a photo shoot and into the common room. We know this is significant as the music gets tinkly and Lucas deadass stares at this dude without reservations. Mysterious male model stares back and makes eye contact with Lucas. (I feel like looking into Maxence’s eyes is the gay equivalent of Bird Box, where just one glance is enough to make a guy like Lucas abandon the last remnants of chill and heterosexuality.)

Somehow Lucas does not die from this interaction, but he does keeping sneaking glances at the handsome stranger while Daphne does her awkward introduction. Chill, dead and buried. Heterosexuality on life support.

Basile applauds Daphne in her introduction - OK, I love her too, but calm the fuck down, weirdo. Daphne, don’t encourage him.

When the crowd starts adding their commentary, Imane steps in and tells people that the next one to interrupt Daphne gets their shins broken, which a simple yet iconic moment, especially because Yann certainly seems to get nervous.

Lucas keeps checking out the hottie in the row behind him and I mean, the camera loves that pretty face, so why not?

I already want to kill Basile.

Daphne is also done with him and roasts him when he asks for her number. Everyone giggles, which makes her smile and gives her some confidence, so I guess that’s what Basile’s good for. Except then he’s instantly in love with Daphne so arrrrrgh.

Lucas keeps checking out the view behind him because Basile is not the only one who’s developed a crush.

I like the idea of a musical cue or theme for Lucas and Sexy Newcomer but I’m kinda ehhh about this one, because I can already see it making certain scenes cheesy and overdramatic, like Yann spiking his skateboard or Charles slow-mo racing to Manon levels of unintentional hilarity. Unless Sexy Newcomer’s a pianist? Then I can understand it more if this type of music is relevant to his character.

Clip 7 - Weird is good

Lucas is walking home and what do you know, he sees a snack at the vending machine. Give some credit to Lucas, he goes right up to him. Although he doesn’t say hello, just lurks behind.

I recently watched the series You on Netflix so all these scenes of Lucas staring at the object of his affection with his large unblinking eyes are feeling a lot more ominous than intended.

Dream Boy is like oh sorry, i didn’t see you there! Fucking fake, he probably saw Lucas’ reflection in the glass or something. He can’t decide what to get, so Lucas recommends #24 which is a crunchy choco bar (looks like a granola bar). So in the promos for this season they mentioned “chocolate” as an important element in the story. Maybe crunchy choco will be their always!

Dream Boy gets one crunchy choco bar, and then another one, so there are no more left. His version of taking all the paper towels. He got very lucky that there were only two crunchy chocos left and that Lucas didn’t want the almond & seeds bar instead. He would’ve had to buy the whole damn rack. Dream Boy says one of the crunchy chocos is for Lucas. Except we don’t see them eat the bars, lol.

They sit down and smoke at the bus stop with one seat between them, and I could tell Chloé was gonna come and sit there. But I think it’s also supposed to be some no-homo space between them, like buying choco bars is one thing, but sitting next to each other??? It’s not like they’re married or anything.

They talk about how weird the meeting was, the importance of the common room. Lucas’ future husband says it’s a good opportunity to meet new people, but we know he’s thinking of one person in particular.

Earth Angel is a third year studying literature. Lucas asks whether it’s weird to start a new school five months before graduation. I mean ... they could have just made him Lucas’ age since he’s already like 25 in real life, at that point it’s not going to make much difference if you say he’s 17 or 18. Angelface is like, everything is weird with you! He muses that he too must seem weird. Well, weirdness is a quality I like in an Even, because Even was a giant fucking weirdo and it made him memorable and charming. And we know that our French Even has reasons for people to think he’s weird and is used to it, even if Lucas doesn’t know that yet, so it’s more loaded than Lucas even knows.

No offense but why is Chloé trying to chase Lucas when there is a literal male model on her other side? Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Chloé is like, the meeting was fun, right? Lucas is awkward and Sugar Pie Honey Bunch kindly chimes in that the general opinion is that it was weird. Chloé seems to be like, oh, OK, as if that will be her new opinion to stay on the same page as Lucas. SPHB adds, but we like weird, I think. NOT SO SUBTLE. You know what he means by that.

Chloé introduces herself to the new guy and he introduces himself as Eliott, so I can stop making up stupid nicknames and pretending I don’t know the name of this character they told us about months ago.

There was a really good post by @skambyme about how both S3 remakes so far have done the end of this scene by putting the Emma character literally in the middle of the Isak and Even, while in the original, it’s Isak who ends up between Emma and Even. The remakes have the focus on Emma coming between Isak and Even, and it’s not like a terrible choice to do that or anything, but I think it’s more perceptive in the original to recognize that the biggest obstacle is not Emma, but Isak himself, caught between a girl and a guy, a safe lie and a terrifying truth. It puts the emphasis on Isak’s internal journey rather than a more external obstacle (Emma).

We learn from the credits that Eliott’s last name is Demaury and he has an Instagram account! So already that’s different from Even, who’s a total ghost on social media, except for the birthday video, obviously.

It’s a little funny to me that Arthur and Basile do not have last names according to the credits, though, lmao. Everyone else does and they’re just Those Two Guys on a first name only basis.

Social Media/General Comments

I mentioned it above but I liked that prior to the first clip, they started the season with an IG post from Lucas saying he’s living his best life, of course to contrast with the disconnect he feels in the clip itself. Putting up a facade on social media much like Isak did.

FOR SOME REASON Basile found it necessary to document the sink girl’s puke afer she was done, like … no one wants to see that, bro.

The boys talk about Lucas’ great game with Chloé in a chat, and Basile wants them all to know he has game, too. They just ignore him, lmao. As one should.

Manon and Lucas have a pretty solid friendship going on, which is nice. They’re on heart emoji level and she offers to throw Earl Grey on Mika and Lisa if they bother Lucas too much. I wonder if Lucas will properly come out to her at some point during the season, or confide in her. Especially if she ends up coming back and crashing at the apartment like Noora did - she’ll be around to talk to in person.

Mika not only calls Lucas hetero in a clip, but he refers to him as such in an IG story, and I’m not sure what to make of that yet? Because he knows about the rumors that Manon and Emma told him last season. At some point last season Lucas started crashing in their building/apartment, so Mika must have found him and let him stay over. If he didn’t find him at a gay bar, then what happened? I don’t think Mika legit thinks Lucas is straight; I think he’s just trying to keep up the appearance that he doesn’t suspect Lucas is gay, for Lucas’ sake. I don’t know if that’s the best method, but that’s my guess.

Unless Mika genuinely didn’t think he was gay after Manon and Emma, and he didn’t find Lucas at a gay bar but in some other situation, like IDK, drunk at a park/bus stop/whatever? I doubt it. Or he’s ironically teasing Lucas about his heterosexuality because he suspects otherwise, which is mean, so I doubt that, too.

Basile again talks about how hot Daphne is in a chat … stay away from her, dude. He did wash his hands or sanitize them eventually, thank God.

Manon is posting throwbacks of her and Charles on IG … the fact that it’s a throwback makes me think things are not so great between them right now. Reinforced by her later posting Rupi Kaur quotes, “if you are not enough for yourself you will never be enough for someone else.”

Eliott is doing some type of Instagram puzzle with 4 out of 9 squares currently posted, and I’m not even going to take a guess as to what the finished product will be as of now, but I think it’s a really cool idea for the Even character to do something artsy and mysterious like that, and a fun way to tease the audience.

There was talk about how good Maxence’s acting was, with some divided opinions. I thought his acting was fine for his first clip. IDK how good he’ll end up being with the heavier material of the season, but he seems to have a lot of energy, which is something I find really important with Even, and he had a weird charm that felt right for the character. I know I saw some stuff that he sounded awkward to French speakers.

After the party clip I wrote something like “I really like the boy squad so far!” and it should be clear that my opinion changed to have one glaring exception by the end of the episode, lmao.

I’m already done with Basile, like we had 3 clips with him in it and 2.5 of them had him being obnoxious and creepy about girls. I say 2.5 because I thought he was OK the first time I saw the party clip, just an awkward goober dude, and then later clips retroactively ruined him in that one. The other two clips had a rather large focus on his desperation over girls, like I know basically nothing about Arthur so far, and Yann hasn’t done much yet this season, but I’ve heard a shit ton about Basile being gross. They have plenty of time to redeem him or tone him down, but I hope it happens fast. And Daphne is my favorite character so the thought of her hooking up with him makes me shudder.

That’s one disadvantage of them filming two seasons at once, though ... if they keep up his shtick and people dislike it, they can’t tone it later in the season or in S4 because it’s already filmed.

Overall I thought the use of music has improved. Some scenes started with silence! I liked that song at the very end!

Opinion of unknown popularity: I’m tired of the promo and behind the scenes stuff already.

Skam France is not the only remake that has done this, but it felt like they went on promo overload with this season, no doubt to build hype since the original S3 was such a hit, and I mean, from the perspective that they want people to watch and comment and like and subscribe … yeah, certainly I get it! But one thing that made Skam so special to watch was the lack of promo, the total immersion in the story. Completely not knowing what was coming, having no idea about what happens next. It was very unusual compared to almost every other TV show.

Right now it feels like they’re operating under the idea that everyone has seen the original show. Certainly fandom makes this assumption a lot of the time, but it’s one thing for fandom to do it and another for the director/writers/actors/marketing team to assume it? And I can’t help but feel that this spoils some of the effect of the season. S3, especially in the beginning, relied on a lot of ambiguity that kept you guessing. It was firmly locked into Isak’s POV, so when he doubted Even liked him, so did many of the viewers. We didn’t know that Even was mentally ill at the beginning of the season. We didn’t know Even noticed Isak on his first day of school. We didn’t know Even had a girlfriend. All this promo is giving away so much.

That’s actually an issue I have with the Eliott trailer, because as cool as I find the idea of finally getting that first-day-of-school POV, and although I think it’s a well-made trailer, it does remove a lot of the ambiguity regarding Eliott’s feelings toward Lucas, something that goes a long way toward establishing tension and putting us firmly in Lucas’ head, especially in the early episodes. For example, if Eliott turns out to have a girlfriend, we still know that he does have some feelings for Lucas - we saw Lucas grab his attention in the trailer. Whereas when Isak learns about Sonja, he doubts whether these moments he shared with Even were really what he thought they were, whether Even is actually into him - and the audience can doubt with him, because we don’t know any more than Isak. It doesn’t matter a ton to me as someone who’s seen Isak’s story, but what about someone who hasn’t?

Like I’m just imagining being a French viewer who has never seen the original show - you’d already know so much about where the story is headed just from the promo material. (How much of the audience is made up of total newbies who haven’t seen Skam, anyway?)

Of course, we don’t know how the changes in the story will be affected by spoilers, so perhaps there is a lot that we still won’t see coming. But honestly I would rather just watch the whole season and then get all of the behind the scenes goodies when it’s done. Especially because they’re saying that they’ve changed so much about this season - it would be great to go into that without any hints or spoilers.

I mean I love getting Skam interviews, bloopers, and scripts now, but I’m really glad it’s well after the show ended rather than while the season was airing. I remember the experience of watching live and not knowing where the story was going, and I really think that has a lot to do with Skam’s overall success and intense audience engagement. Some of the remakes have also done this - Skam España S1 and Druck S2 were/are divergent enough from the original seasons that it was exciting to wait for clips not knowing what to expect all the time. But I’m just imagining if Julie was posting a ton of explanations and hints during S3, and if that wouldn’t take a lot of the suspense and fun out of the experience.

Obviously the people involved are extremely proud of making this season, and want to share that love with everybody, so I don’t want to sound like an ass and complain about what they should or should not do. I know, I know, the solution is not to look at the extra material. It’s all optional and for the people who want to read it, everyone else can avoid it. But I’m thinking the best way to do that is just to avoid the tags and discussion of the show, because it felt pretty widely discussed and circulated. Anyway.

This episode on the whole was better than what we saw from S1 and S2 on average. Honestly, there are still some of the same directing weaknesses - not huge things, just like … stuff I would tweak, showing cause and effect, getting from Point A to Point B type stuff. But they’re not as pronounced so I think they can pull it together. I do think this season is going to be better than Skam France’s first two seasons.

I am not French so feel free to clarify or correct me if I misunderstood something.

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

#skamfr reactions #long post

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shadesofjoe · 3 years

Text

Down Under

It’s wild what a difference a year can make. I’ve not spoken publicly of things I’m about to share, though those closest to me are well aware of these events. It’s recently been suggested to me, however, that writing more openly about the situation would be a good final step in releasing the negative energy surrounding it, thus closing this path of catharsis I have traveled for the past few months. And if nothing else, it could serve as a cautionary tale for someone else who might be able to avoid some of the pitfalls I fell into.

I met her last January. Her name was Emily… at least that’s what she told me her name was. In retrospect, I’m guessing that was just another of many things that wound up not being true. But in my memory she will always be Emily, and for the purposes of this exercise, it’s probably best to leave it that way. She reached out to me through a post I made on a personals subreddit. She purported to be from Australia, which will no doubt ring a bell for those of you who were curious as to why I suddenly became very interested in Australian facts around this time last year. She claimed to be a veterinarian and, near as I can tell, there may have been a hint of truth to that. I don’t know. It’s all still kind of difficult to parse through, unfortunately.

Be that as it may, there seemed to be this instant chemistry between us. We spent a lot of time texting, talking on the phone, exchanging pictures and voice messages. I liked her. A lot. I thought there was this energy we had going on. It was the kind of authentic vibe I hadn’t felt in a very, very long time. I was attracted to everything about her, and better yet, she seemed to actually be attracted to everything about me. In retrospect, I should have perhaps been more skeptical of a seemingly beautiful woman from a foreign country being interested in someone of my portly stature, but even my well-developed self awareness still has its blind spots.

The trouble came, of course, a couple of days before our first scheduled video call. I don’t want to get into too many details, because honestly there’s just no way for me to know how much of what I was told was true, and how much wasn’t… which is its own problem. The important part is that the video call didn’t happen for reasons that were portrayed to me as very dramatic. There was about a two-week period of radio silence where the only interaction I had from her was the recognition that she was viewing my Instagram stories. I started posting stories every day just to see if she was still thinking of me during what she had laid out to me as a very difficult and emotionally challenging situation for her. I haven’t used Instagram since all this went sideways. I still can’t bear to open the app on my phone. I honestly have considered deleting it altogether. But I digress…

After the radio silence, Emily got back in touch with me and said that she wanted to come over for a visit to see if we would still have the same chemistry in person. Then she would know if this was something she could truly move forward with. Of course I was ecstatic. So plans were set for her to come in the early spring, which in retrospect would have been just about the time the coronavirus began to spiral out of control here in the United States. I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if things had turned out to be real. It wasn’t long before travel was restricted leaving the country, so she likely would have been stuck here for a while. It would have meant more time together discovering each other, showing her around Kentucky, introducing her to my friends, and maybe, just maybe, building something meaningful and lasting.

But of course none of that happened, because she never came. It was never real. And if I’m honest, I still feel like an idiot for ever believing it could have been.

Emily dropped out of contact again about a week before she was supposed to arrive. She resurfaced long enough to once again outline a very dramatic situation that involved her family. I will refrain from specifics because if it was a lie, then it’s an unspeakably awful one… but if for some strange reason even some of it was true, then it’s just as unspeakably awful. Either way, it was soul-crushing. In a single moment, I had gone from planning out a two-week whirlwind vacation to the reality that this woman was now disappearing from my life.

I am so unbelievably stupid sometimes.

Looking back with the benefit of not feeling that devastation again, it seems clear that the potential of a face-to-face encounter, just like a video call, had made her realize that she couldn’t keep up whatever this thing was. So cue the drama and then exit stage left.

I’m not so proud of this next part…

I asked the catfish subreddit for help determining just how badly I had been bamboozled. In doing so, I linked the Instagram account she was using for our correspondence. For all of my intellect, it genuinely never occurred to me that people might send nasty messages. I wasn’t thinking very clearly at all, truth be told. But lo and behold, the next day I get a pretty spicy message from Emily on Google Hangouts (she had blocked and unfollowed me on Instagram and Discord with nary a word about it) telling me that people had been sending her some really mean things.

That’s when a friend of mine who had managed to infiltrate her Instagram, unbeknownst to me, sent me a screencapped photo of a woman on a beach, legs intertwined with another man’s with champagne glasses in both their hands. It was a first-person perspective photo, so I couldn’t see faces. But obviously it made this already strange situation seem a million times worse. I called Emily out on this, and the only thing she could say in reply is that she had “made the right choice.”

I spent the next few months floundering, trying to make sense of the million little pieces my heart had been shattered into. I really opened up to this person. I trusted her. I believed her when she said that she had feelings for me. But none of it was true. As you can imagine, I’ve spent a good amount of time dealing with this in my therapy. It’s hard to not have answers. Even in a brief email exchange some months later, Emily said it was all a big misunderstanding and that she hadn’t whisked off on some romantic getaway. But honestly those pictures likely weren’t even of her, either. There’s literally no way to know what the actual truth behind his whole fucked up situation, and that has been the most difficult thing to navigate over this past year. The utter deceit of it all reaches depths I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams.

So am I foolish? Yes. Of course I am. I think that’s just part of my personality. I don’t necessarily view it as a character flaw, per se. But it certainly bit me in the ass here. This was definitely a lesson in how to temper that naiveté with a healthy amount of skepticism. I don’t do so well with balance though, so the pendulum swung hard in the other direction for quite a while. It’s closer to the middle now, but I still have more than my share of moments where I wonder if love is a real possibility for me.

I’ve done so much inner work. I’m very proud of the person I’ve become on the inside. I’m kind, thoughtful, generous, empathetic, funny, intelligent, and possess a host of other intangible qualities that make me a very compelling person. But I am also fat and there’s no getting around it. (Pun somewhat intended?) And a woman of Emily’s purported beauty and social status dating a fat guy, no matter how amazing, is just not indicative of the reality in which we live. It’s the kind of situation you would only ever see on a television show or in a movie. But that’s not real life. And perhaps if I had understood that better, I wouldn’t have had my heart broken into a million little pieces.

But this isn’t a sob story. I’m legitimately okay now. Therapy has been a godsend and I’ve done a lot of really important work to heal from it all. But of course there are… remnants. It’s not the kind of thing you can ever completely wipe from your memory. It happened. It’s over. And I’ve moved on. Part of that is accepting that being a bachelor for the rest of my life is a distinct possibility, and perhaps may be a likelihood. At some point you have to face facts, you know? When you can confront yourself with that kind of honesty, the likelihood of someone being able to pull the wool over your eyes again dramatically decreases. Besides, I’ve got children to raise. A life to lead. I don’t really have time for childish fantasies of serendipity anymore. If I’ve learned nothing else from this ordeal, it’s that such fairy tales just aren’t real.

If you have read this far, thank you for indulging me. I really hope there’s something of value for you here. I guess I feel that if being open my mistakes can somehow help someone else avoid the same pitfalls, then it gives an added layer of meaning to them for me. So perhaps it’s a bit of a selfish pursuit intertwined with an altruistic one. That’s probably a question best left for the philosophers and dime-store psychologists among us.

#loss #heartbreak #lessons #healing #australia #catfish #serendipity

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intothewideopenspaces · 5 years

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Not quite my first sermon, but close enough

Last Sunday, I preached for the second time at my placement church. The reading was Mary annointing Jesus' feet at Bethany (John 12:1-11) - a lot less straightforward to preach on than the reading for my first sermon, which was Jesus' temptation in the desert, but at the same time it felt a bit easier to explore. I think this was because I tend to be biased towards thoughts and can easily overlook feelings - the temptation of Jesus was a reading I could come at with my thoughts, whereas this reading challenged me to sit with and unpick the feelings in the scene. This did mean I spent about a week with no idea of what to preach about, but once I got going, the challenge to engage with feelings hopefully helped this sermon be a bit deeper and more balanced.

Anyway, you can be the judge of that for yourself - here's a copy of my sermon for anyone who's interested in reading it! (Feedback always welcome)

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May I speak in the name of God, creator, redeemer, sustainer. Amen.

So today’s gospel reading - the anointing of Jesus. I’ve always had the sense with this passage, that there’s something beautiful going on here, but I’ve never quite understood what. Whenever I’ve tried to picture it, tried to understand what it is about it that’s beautiful, I just get caught on the fact that to me, pouring perfumed oil on someone's feet and wiping them with your hair is a bit weird. It’s not something that happens in our culture. Maybe you’re the same - after all, none of us are familiar with the culture of Jesus' time. So what is going on here?

Well, we're told that Jesus is at a dinner party - that’s a familiar enough setting for us! It’s held at the house of someone called Simon the Leper - who, given his description as a leper, is probably a bit of an outcast, this isn’t high society we're talking about. Jesus is surrounded by his friends and disciples, most of whom were people who society looked down on and shunned. Probably none of them were very rich themselves, certainly some of them were quite poor. And Mary comes along, with this jar of expensive perfume, worth about a year's wages. And she opens it and she pours the perfume on Jesus' feet, then wipes them with her own hair. If we put aside what might be our first reaction of thinking that this sounds odd or awkward, I think we can recognise it as wonderfully outrageous - Mary is breaking so many social rules and conventions, and in a society where women were expected to be meek and mild, unassuming, and generally keep out of the way, Mary bursts in to centre stage with reckless abandon and extravagance. Why?

To understand Mary's action, I want to challenge us all to put ourselves into her place. You’ve known this man, Jesus, for some time. You know there’s something significant about him. You’ve spent hours listening to him teach. When your brother died you couldn’t bear to see him and when he asked to see you, you spoke out of your pain, and you said to him 'if you were here, my brother would not have died'. He didn’t argue, he didn’t reason with you, he didn’t even defend himself. He wept with you. He shared your grief. And then, a miracle! He visited your brother's tomb, told him to come out, and there was your brother, alive again after four days. Utter joy at seeing your brother turned to utter awe at this man who raised him from the dead - do you dare believe that this man is the promised messiah? Whoever he is, there’s something about God in him, and you can barely believe he cares about you. Why would he? You’re just you, unremarkable, ordinary - he's the Lord! How else can you respond to his extravagant, unbelievable love for you, than by giving all you have, placing yourself at his feet and blessing him in any way you possibly can? What do the judgemental stares and pious outrage around you matter when you’re worshipping, yes worshipping this man who you believe might just be God?

But then Judas breaks the moment of Mary's worship, he's angry about this apparent waste. He points out that the perfume could have been sold and the money given to the poor - a whole year's wages could have done a lot of good. John's gospel accuses him of saying this because he was a thief, but the point remains. Jesus doesn’t require us to spend lots of money worshipping him - so why did he defend Mary's extravagance over giving money to the poor?

Jesus' line of reason might sound harsh - there'll always be poor people, help them some other time. I’m not here for long, so worship me while you still have the chance. But I think if we look at it a bit more carefully, it makes sense. Jesus isn’t denying the good of helping the poor. In fact, the word worship comes from the word worth - to worship is to affirm worth in another, praising or glorifying them because you recognise their overwhelming worthiness. If we take this understanding of worship as affirming worth, then I think that selling the perfume and giving the money to the poor would equally be a valid way of worshipping Jesus - affirming his worth by showing his teachings as worthwhile enough to follow. What I think Jesus is affirming is the uniqueness of Mary's action. He's not saying that Mary anointing him is the only way she could ever worship him, or intrinsically better than another way. I think what he’s saying is that Mary is in a unique position, historically, socially, relationally, where she is drawn to worship him in this way, and this unique way she is able to worship could be understood as her personal vocation of worship - she is called to worship in this way because of who she is. Sure, someone else could equally anoint Jesus' feet - in fact in Luke's gospel there is an account of a similar event where a different woman anoints Jesus' feet with perfume. But it is only Mary who can worship him in this way, at this moment in time, for this purpose - anointing him with perfume less than a week before the Passover, in order to prepare him for burial. This was the unique way Mary was called to worship Jesus.

And that is not to say that her act of worship was better than someone else's act of worship. We, living in Cornwall in the 21st century, cannot anoint Jesus' feet with perfume to prepare him for burial. That is not the way we are uniquely called to worship him. There are many ways we might worship God - perhaps by worshipping here together on a Sunday morning, or maybe by showing God’s commands to be worthwhile by striving to follow them - loving our neighbour, acting to defend the oppressed in society, fulfilling the needs of the world around us. We might worship God by caring for the world God created and thereby deeming it worthy. We might worship by demonstrating God's love to a friend, by listening and by caring. We might worship by praying with God. All these things and more are things which affirm and uphold God’s worth, and so they are worship, and so they are good.

And I believe there is a way that each one of us can uniquely worship, as Mary did by anointing Jesus' feet. Not necessarily some way of worshipping that no-one else has ever done before - it is not the action which is unique, but the fact that it is us who do it. Each of us, with our individual personalities, experiences, minds, hearts, using all those things which God loves, each of us, can worship in a particular way which is made unique by our doing it. So how do we find this unique way we are called to worship? Mary didn’t spend years listing all the ways she might worship Jesus and try to decide which best fitted her personality, her abilities, or her context. Worship was the only thing she could do in that moment. Perhaps it is by copying Mary, by worshipping simply as we can, worshipping in the way we have to as we experience God's reckless love for us, that we discern the way that we are uniquely called to worship. Maybe it is by worshipping and watching for God's love being visible that we find where we can affirm God's worth, find where we can experience God's worth. Maybe it is by worshipping as only we can, using everything about ourselves that God has created and that God loves, that we can most authentically give worth to God. And I believe it is in those moments that we can most truly know the worth that God so lovingly affirms in us.

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spotlightsaga · 7 years

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Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews... American Crime (S03E03) Episode 3.3 Airdate: March 26, 2017 @vh1 Ratings: 1.62 Million :: 0.3 18-49 Demo Share Score: 9/10 **********SPOILERS BELOW********** An 0.3.... Seriously, either Nielsen is dead wrong in their assessment of ratings (wouldn't be surprised) or we're all watching it a different way. For awhile I was a 'Nielsen Family' but am unfortunately no longer. That's why I choose to watch on the ABC app the following day after airing... It's my way of letting ABC know that I'm paying attention... But Vudu, Amazon, and iTunes all have the episodes for sale unedited and Sling may still account for some portion of numbers, tho I'm sure it's weighted incorrectly. I pay attention to these ratings and know how much they effect the shows, so I very much become agitated when Sunday's numbers are released. Still, despite the show continuing to hit record low ratings, 'American Crime' remains ABC's critical darling and won't suffer the same fate as 'Of Kings & Prophets' or 'Wicked City'... Those shows brought nothing but embarrassment for ABC Network, but 'American Crime' brings prestigious awards and universal acclaim. ABC, we ARE watching. I don't want talk of ratings and the archaic Nielsen system to eclipse such a fantastic season of an incredibly purposeful series. Here we are in the third episode and I feel like the show has slowed the pacing down a bit so that we could bask in the tone and really take in what's going on in this mirrored world of North Carolina. We have several stories playing out and we are finally starting to see the broad scope start to tighten and weave itself together, threading one over another... Particularly with Luis who is searching for his missing son, Teo, and Isaac who seems to be developing real feelings (whatever they may be) for the drug addled, sexy in sadness, hot mess Coy. Isaac is being pushed by the 'boss bully' Diego who also happens to be Isaac's brother. This is all going down on The Hesby's farm... Felicity Huffman's Jeanette Hesby has taken a huge interest in the recent goings-on and massive fire that killed many of their farm's workers and I can see all three of these worlds colliding in a very massive and unexpected way. Now that we have a good sense of what's going on, I'm really hoping that the body that they found in the beginning of E1 is Diego, but comeuppance isn't something promised in the real world, especially mirrored real life American tragedies such as 'American Crime'. It seems like Shae (Anna Mulvoy Ten) and Kimara Walters (Regina King) are in separate tragedies... Almost just as North Carolina rural areas bleed into their cities... I'm not sure where this is supposed to be, but I would think that Shae & Kimara's stories are taking place in Charlotte, Asheville, or Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina's more urban landscapes. Kimara is still dealing with trying to have a baby in an unconventional manor, her perfect sperm donor turning her down... While in contrast we learn that Shae is pregnant for the 2nd time, which she admits she won't be keeping. The first pregnancy, she reveals in a group therapy session, was pushed to be terminated by her father's jealous girlfriend. I wondered why... What was being alluded to here? Simple jealousy? Or incest? Nothing is clear besides the fact that it happened and that she is now pregnant again, not with her pimp Billy's baby, who she powerfully and vulnerably admits that she wishes wasn't locked up bevause she 'could use a little bit of family' and the three of them could live happily forever. It's demented, really, truly demented... But it feels completely authentic. Her speech left me in emotional shambles, especially for the fact that it was preceded by some weird group speaker who told all the girls that basically god would hate them and curse their children if they didn't live right. Ok, this is not a great place for Shae. Kimara knows that, but she also knows it's the only place for Shae right now... That's why after Shae is caught with a stolen phone and ends up returning it, Kimara gives her a knew one... To take pictures 'to be some place else'. Heart. BREAKING. Of all the scenes that were deeply affecting in this episode, it was Shae that really got to me. But make no mistake, it wasn't the only one... Luis running from camp to camp pleading to find his son, for any information leading to his whereabouts, hiding from the watchful eye of 'the bosses' broke me down as well. And I'm honestly at a loss for words with what's going on between Coy & Isaac. Clearly, whether it's platonic or otherwise, there is a real connection between the two... But it's toxic. Isaac feeds Coy drugs and money and Coy tries his best to do work he's not fit to do... The scene they share when they are sitting alone on the fields and Coy brags about learning how to kill himself with heroin and fentanyl by Firehouses so they can bring him back quickly with Narcan or Naloxone upsets Isaac and later when he's pushed by his brother Diego to humiliate and beat Coy those feelings are released in a horrifying, brutal manner. The camera shot backs out and we see Luis looking on. Yes, I believe that it was Diego who had something to do with the disappearance of Luis' son, possibly murdered. It will come out, one way or another, and it isn't going to be pretty.

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penelope1730 · 7 years

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I Want To Break Free: Or How Sherlock got his groove back.

So, did anyone else think that Jim Moriarty's playlist song - Queen's "I Want To Break Free" - might have been intentionally introduced as one of the metaphors for The Final Problem? As well as Sherlock and Molly? Honest to God, I never thought, in a bazillion years, I'd end up writing a song meta. I love music, surrounded by musicians & music - but a meta? Who woulda thunk....

There's some spectacular metas floating around that go into incredible detail about the Sherlock and Molly set-up (excellent reading, btw), but this song, more or less, sums it up in a nutshell. It truly is a mixture of fears, thoughts and feelings that have been exchanged between these two characters since the very beginning, including within themselves. It couldn't have been more perfectly and surreptitiously placed in this episode. Especially as it's introduced by a crazy mofo.

The focus of love, unacknowledged and unrequited, has always zeroed in on Molly. As she's pretty much the only 'real life' relatable character in this fictional world (aside from Lestrade), one of her functions has been to humanize everyone in the story, although primarily Sherlock. Yes, I know John's important, but this isn't about John, so let's just save focusing on him for another meta.

From the first episode to the last, Molly's scenes and dialogue are 99.9999% with Sherlock. And the two scenes that weren't with Sherlock were directly about him. One of those scenes was to purposely inform the other characters regarding his deeply emotional nature and to pay attention (TSoT). The other scene was to inform the viewing audience on the expanded intimacy of their relationship (HLV). Intimacy, in this particular case, is not demonstrated via romantic attachment, but that of evolved trust and friendship.

Love, romantic or otherwise, can't exist in a vacuum. At least not forever. That's not the nature of Love. Eventually it has to be set free and this is something we've directly seen Molly struggle with. We've witnessed her feelings mocked; we've witnessed her innocence broken along with her trust shaken and shattered; we witnessed her attempt to focus her heart elsewhere and when that failed, we even witnessed her use of distancing by focusing on the practical, yet unconditional, elements of love. She has always found a way to pick herself up and move on in the healthiest possible way. Always. But, and this is a big BUT, in our distraction of focusing on Molly, many never really saw (shipper goggles set aside), that Sherlock was stuck in the same vacuum.

Both characters, Molly and Sherlock, have needed to set themselves free. Not only from their respective 'prisons' that have prevented free expression with one another, but the lies they've told themselves, and each other, which sustained emotional bondage.

I really dig this passage from the book, A Course In Miracles:

"The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love's presence, which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite."

Fear, in this case, has been the gatekeeper of the biggest lie. It truly is the final problem. Breaking down all those barriers to love's presence. But, it's also the message behind Queen's "I Want To Break Free." It can be so easy to look upon another and see their lies, game playing or self-denial. Not so easy with ourselves, however. Life has sorta trained us to look outside of ourselves for the causation of pain, leaving us beret of personal accountability and culpability of our choices.

I could make this strictly about romantic love, but it's more than that. Romance is just one of the many avenues in which love can be expressed. Love, itself, is profound and indelible. Choosing to allow, express and receive love with another being is so much more than flowers, kisses, midnight pillow talk, and sex. It requires not only the ability to be vulnerable and authentic, but understanding of the Self. Truly, we cannot hope to extend love to another if we have no concept of who we are, what we're about, or capable of.

Criminally insane and batshit crazy Jim Moriarty gave us two bold clues about the very long game that was being played out via his soundtrack.

The first was about himself: Staying Alive (Bee Gees, 1977). It was tough for him. Suicide has never been a shy theme in the SHERLOCK series and Jim Moriarty sought what he believed was the ultimate freedom: Death.

The second was about Sherlock's life: I Want To Break Free (Queen, 1984) from lies. The Final Problem showed us that Sherlock, from a very early age (4 yrs old), chose a revisionist history over acceptance and allowance. If he didn't like something personal to him, he'd re-write the story. In many respects, this is actually a really healthy thing to do. If we want to change a condition or circumstance in our life for the better - telling a new story is a good way to begin. However, when it involves suppression and self-denial - even when it's roots were justifiably based in trauma or self-protection - it will eventually erode into attrition. Cognitively, the use of this application, over time, will create a sort of dissonance. With Sherlock, it no longer protected him from trauma - the event had long passed. Instead, it created a different kind of trauma by emotional crippling.

Honestly, all of this has been said before, and more eloquently, in other meta's (go read 'em), but the 'I Love You' and 'coffin' scene are clearly represented in 'I Want To Break Free.'

"But life still goes on; I can't get used to, living without, living without, Living without you by my side, I don't want to live alone, hey God knows, got to make it on my own, So baby can't you see I've got to break free."

In ASiP, Mycroft told John Watson that his therapist got it wrong. He instructed John to fire her. John wasn't traumatized by the war, he missed it. For as brilliant and remarkable as Mycroft is, unfortunately, he got it wrong by misunderstanding the intention and meaning of "I Love You." It's perfectly understandable that he would. Love is something he denies himself, even though it's something he desires. Mycroft thought 'I love you' was about someone who loves Sherlock. And, in one respect he was right - it was the clue that Sherlock knew would bust open a fixed decision. And what this particular test was about. If you recall, it was "Vivisection" - the opening of Sherlock so he would recognize, as well as those present, how he really works... and expose what's going on behind that immutable facade he wears. Ouch! Bet he didn't wake up that morning thinking, "Today's the day!" No. He was laid bare and vulnerable - all his arrogance and superiority crushed with three little words - because the I Love You wasn't about who loves him, it was about who he loves. Ironic how he foretold us this in The Lying Detective:

Your life, once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own.

Of course, he was talking about suicide (and Mary's death, which he's grieving), but the point he makes remains valid. Our death is a long term event that will be experienced through loss and grief by those who love us and miss our physical presence. It will be experienced through memories, possessions shared, voids where our life used to stand - but it will also be missed through - "So many days not lived, so many words unsaid, etc, etc, etc." It might be a difficult fact to face, but when we're dead, we're no longer concerned with all the earthly, mundane affairs. We're soaring through the clouds, re-emerged with non-physical energy and the Conscious Mind. It's those we leave behind who will be thinking about all the things they never said, but wished they had. They will be thinking about all the things they wished they did, but never got around to. They will think about all the lost moments, never to be retrieved. That's what grief is relative to death. Irretrievable loss. It's what my neighbor is currently going through right now...his wife of 35 years passed away on Christmas day.

As a counselor, I speak with thousands of people - directly and through workshops. The primary questions people ask about their loved ones who've re-emerged into non-physical are not about "Why didn't they leave a will?" Or, "I hope they rot in hell." Instead, they are always about, "Are they okay? I never got to say good-bye. Do they know how much I love them? I never said I Love You. I never said it enough. I always thought we'd have more time. How do I move on? I don't think I'll ever be okay. This isn't happening, it doesn't feel real." These are actual concerns the grieving confront upon the death of someone they love, especially as they move through despondency and depression. The dead don't place a golden plaque on a coffin that says 'I Love You.' That's what their beloved does.

If you've ever read Harry Potter, Dumbledore sums it up pretty cool, too:

"Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love."

We'll never actually know exactly how Sherlock and Molly went about resolving this whole thing. That's what imagination and fanfic is for. But, like Sherlock, Moffat and Gatiss don't have a problem saying: "We'll leave you to your own deductions." Since clues are like gold in this show, Molly's effervescent smile at the end sums it up nicely: They Broke Free.

#sherlolly #molly and sherlock #mollock #sherlock #music #Queen #meta #sherlock meta #love #grieving

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whatisonthemoonarchive · 7 years

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THE DECEITFUL MIND OF GENUINE MANIPULATORS

No one ever attracted flies with vinegar. It undeniably works better with honey…

Obviously our emotions can easily be manipulated. Isn’t amazing how simply mentioning utopian love and global peace can emotionally disarm young idealistic people craving for higher grounds?

Some people know that too well, who greatly take advantage from this longing to enjoy generous flowering relationships based on trust.

“We love you so much!” sometimes means “We love (to control) you so much!” The Moons’ speeches perfectly use such ambiguous messages of which the central part (to control) remains unspoken. Such genuine lie is manipulators’ way to subtly dominate others.

They will first let you know sweet indebting love: Let’s suppose one day, on your path, someone claims he/she did something really beneficial for you without you knowing… At first you would certainly be skeptical and question what that person’s intentions truly are. So, what if the answer is “To let you know God’s love, His aching heart and His need of you”? …

Did not Sun Myung Moon cleverly state: “I love you more than your own parents…I love your parents more than you love them yourselves”? Did not he pretend again and again he suffered “so much” for us?

A legend without any substantial reality can easily be set up in this way. Past events can be reinterpreted, other people sufferings and good deeds can be “borrowed”, and other plain lies added to build a flawless biography that will inspire the groupies and possibly seduce other potential new followers.

Somehow everyone should then feel “indebted” toward SMM. That’s actually the prime intent and sole objective of all this dramatic scenario generally shared with apparent tearful sincerity…

That‘s how narcissistic people manage to seduce their prey and manipulate them. They will start smoothly and things will become harsher and harsher. Past the sweet hypnotic honey moon, a new reality will start appearing.

Then you’ll discover High Cost love: Salvation and blessings through SMM have always been conditional and mandatorily paid for at a high price until the last cent. And even so, without any warranty of delivery nor any prove of authentic reality…

Manipulators have no limits. When necessary, they play victim and induce guilty compassion within those they want to control emotionally. They’ll keep pretending it’s the manipulated ones’ fault if this or that happened, referring to situations or events these very people have no hold upon in any way. That’s how mind control operates and maintains its prisoners in cells without walls.

By recurrently reminding the followers their abyssal unworthiness in front of “True Parents” and the need to focus on the glorious eternity to come, members should feel ashamed to think about petty concerns as their personal tastes, talents, ambitions or carrier. So they should mouth shut sacrifice everything they have and suffer with gratitude…

We are then very far from the good news that God’s love and blessings are, like the air we breathe and the sunlight we enjoy, truly unconditionally given to all and can’t ever be bought with any money.

Meanwhile to remind the fact that most other transactions in this earthly world have to be paid for, some American bar owners put up the sign “In God we trust, all others must pay cash”.

It’s wiser to deal directly with God than with self-proclaimed messiahs and their lucrative wicked practice of blessing trafficking…

You’ll soon come to accept tough love. At some point, predators (religious or not) can with impunity mistreat others without facing any rebellion from their seduced preys. These abusers with total impunity keep taking advantage of their victims who now even end up automatically finding out by themselves excuses and justify by their own shortcomings (real or more often subtly suggested) the unacceptable misbehavior of their predator.

Nazis loved Hitler. North Koreans loved Kim Il Sung and most dictators are loved by their victims who are repeatedly reminded how precious, cared for, privileged and loved they are… while the rest of the world is evil and doomed to be destroyed.

They are told to believe- for they can’t see nor appreciate it by themselves- that their own garden is greener than their neighbor’s garden they are forbidden to look at. Starving North Koreans should be so grateful not to live in any other country where things are much worse and hopeless…

Unificationists are so privileged to have met True Parents and drunk holy wine. They can sacrifice their entire life and be mistreated and exploited over and over. Nonetheless they’ll be so grateful and happy to undeservedly be paid for their good work by occasionally receiving a same wonderful picture or a same wonderful card from “true Parents”.

Finally your love for your guru becomes your identity: The genuine sincerity of manipulated people and their obedient caring behavior generates a powerful dynamic. It justifies in their own eyes their generous investment highly valued by the reminded guru’s utopia which is ceaselessly promoted day after day to keep a hold on them, and push them to work harder. It creates emulation within the group and weaves strong bonds of camaraderie and unity among the “chosen”.

The manipulators’ glory and the fulfillment of their narcissistic ideal- supposedly God’s will exclusively and forever channeled through them- are absolutely inseparable. The gurus’ degree of acceptance in the world becomes the barometer of success in the lives of the manipulated followers. It totally justifies any pressure and irrational high demand on them. There are totally accountable and ever guilty for the non-fulfillment of the non-realistic and unreachable objectives they were malignly given.

At that point no logical argument will ever be able to shake the loyal follower’s blind belief which have become his/her identity. Any opposition will even strengthen their irrational loyalty to the true so and so who actually is a true manipulator.

So let’s be careful when the label “true” is mentioned.

We could just be facing a Tyrant retraining useful emotions or a Theological rip-off using embezzlement…

[email protected]

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kipaparappa · 4 years

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once upon a time, during my teenage days, i used to force myself to cry so hard, repenting everything that normal people wouldn’t. It hurt so much. it truly drove me to the edge. i even did suicide attempt back then, but decided to stop because people didn’t change any kinder to me. so in between my wailing breath and tears, i promised to my future self that i have to be the happiest person on earth. i have to repay this young version of myself with authentic happiness later in life. with friends, people i love, and all that

now 8 years after i’ve started my depression, i somehow grow even apart from ‘repaying myself with happiness’.

okay let’s talk about the past

why did i bother too much on crying?

there’s this own-made-rule that i have to cry at least once in a day to soften my heart. my mother used to say that if i don’t cry, i have to worry for my life that my heart has turned into stone. I wanted to believe that i am not a bad person, i am not the one to be blamed. but actually, my mom would only like to turn me into her emotional venting. to let me take all the accountability, so that i could repent in the corner. so she could feel how superior she is, how powerful she could get towards the little poor old me. I never really obliged. all the tears i shed was out of confusion, why should i take the blame? does my mom really love me? why do i have to become her scapegoat? and finally am i really the bad guy? am i really only going to hell?

between her condemnation, she mentioned that i was such a disgrace, such a pain in the ass and torture to her, i would only be accepted to hell in my afterlife. growing up with those words thrown at me, i feel like i don’t really deserve heaven at all, so death doesn’t sound like a bad thing if its happen to me. like she said, i would only be punished infinitely in hell either way, so what’s the point of living my life till then?

i have a very active mind, and a strong sense of justice. and yet i couldn’t do anything to stand for myself. i was told to surrender under the name of god. how sacred, but nah. i think even till now, it affects the way i think. i want to be compassionate with myself, not abusive. not like how my parents told me how i should behave. we could’ve talked it out but they refused it everytime. because my curiosity is way bigger than their knowledge of this world. so what i did was to run away. to put on smiley face, to be jumpy and shake it off, to be childish--they deliberately described me as one

i always put aside all my agony, my sadness, to the point that i forgot why it hurts so bad, i try to forget, conceal--just obliging whatever the adults told me. because i wanted to be part of them. i wanted to be there, I wanted to be loved. but they failed me. even after i wrote this memo, i’m going to forget what was my real reason to my sadness in next 24 hours anyway. that describes just how harsh i am at erasing my own memory. so my youth was spent with more playing, more drawing, anything that made me happy. so that i could stop myself from crying over useless thing

my parents always knew that i have such a very powerful mind that they could never beat and win over. that’s why they’d rather ignore me, or leave me in the corner so that they didn’t have to deal with it

and all i ever wanted was to sit on the same level of chair with them. to be nurtured. to be taught about the world

spoiler, they didn’t. and so i have to teach myself. and i am rather an extremely, extremely strict and tough teacher. especially towards my own being

probably back then in my high school years, i wanted to surrender to their words. i wanted to feel loved. be the dream child of their imagination. a submissive, an obedient and good kid. but i was never one. so the confliction between the two got me crying all night. i was never born to be accepted

it would’ve been better if i had someone to hold on, but truly, no one. though, my high school friends wasn’t so bad at that time. but several people i met truly left me with lots of wide-open emotional wound. so i fear. i fear a lot. even till this day. and the fact that all i could get from outside world was rejection, just like what i experienced at home, truly pushed me to the edge. i was never loved. and how could you expect me to change my belief when the world keeps on proving the theory true, every single time...

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hxynijueffuj-blog · 5 years

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alifeenrouteblog · 5 years

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Why I Haven't Been Writing Lately

First, the boring stuff. Since going full-time with my business, Tall Hair Creative, I’ve had less time. Yes, that’s a very boring reason. And it’s an even weaker excuse. But let’s just start here.

Exactly one year ago, I was one-month into my unemployment, just back from a trip to Europe, and had just received my first unemployment paycheck. That was the life. Around this time, I decided I would take as long as I needed to in order to recover from my 9-5 bullshit life. For the past four years, I had been told by bosses, but mostly coworkers, how I was not professional, I was abrasive, lacked interpersonal skills, and every time I might have hurt someone’s feelings. I had been changing for years, disguising it as professional growth. It wasn’t. I was manipulated.

My parents were understandably frustrated af when I told them I would not be diving into a job search. I didn’t want to rush into another terribly emotionally abusive job. Having done a fair amount of job searching in Cleveland, I already knew there wasn’t a lot of job opportunities. I knew there were even fewer prospects of finding an organization that I would actually like to work for and would truly accept my personality, work style, and the work I do here on this blog. Because I should also mention at this point, I had started my blog just a few months before I was given the axe; my writing on here until this point was, while still authentic and vulnerable, but pretty safe. I didn’t write about dating or sex. I definitely had not mentioned my family or past abuse. What started out as a HR consultant/executive coaching blog, quickly evolved into something much more ‘me’, unapologetically. This trajectory was happening before my unemployment, but I didn’t make the decision to fully dig into it until almost exactly a year ago.

So, to recap: May 2018, I found myself unemployed with a lot of free time, a newfound sense of peace, but also a desire to explore the demons that have been holding me back for decades. I spent my days reorganizing my apartment to something that I loved and truly worked for me, and I spent my evenings getting drunk on rose on my back patio or at the pizzeria attached to my place, furiously typing into the MacBook Air I just purchased weeks before with the entirety of my savings account. It wasn’t a savings account for purchasing a home, but more for travel and buying laptops when you get fired.

I would write for hours every night. I got into a rhythm. I started refining my writing and I felt like I was on to something. Then I started publishing my good shit. Then I started to get some really amazing feedback from readers. Mostly friends, but some strangers, either way – it was affirming. People were telling me how relatable my writing was. How they loved my openness. How my raw honesty spoke to them, made them feel less alone. And I was hooked.

I spent months doing this. Until I realized I had about 3 months left of unemployment cash coming in and I knew I had to come up with some plan to make money. This is the point when I started to conceptualize Tall Hair Creative. What I was thinking my business would look like at this point, was pretty different than what it is today. It’s gone through multiple iterations since August 2018. All of which I love. The most surprising has definitely been my selling my photography.

Another big thing I did when I lost my job was get a boudoir shoot. This was a big moment for me for a lot of reasons, which you can read about in this post. But I should mention here, that it was a turning point for me that I didn’t want to work anywhere that would disqualify me or judge me based on my sharing of these beautiful photos of myself. This photoshoot also sparked an interest in photography. Sometime in July of last year, I purchased a Canon Rebel, which if you don’t know is the cheapest DSLR camera you can get, and I started teaching myself photography. My original goal when purchasing the camera was to be able to capture pretty photos for my Instagram, in order to get more followers, and drive my traffic to my blog, which would obviously enable me to get a book deal in no time. It was all writing related. But I quickly learned that it was hard (impossible) to take photos of myself, especially if I didn’t know how to use the damn thing in the first place. In order to teach myself, I started offering free photoshoots on Instagram to anyone that would let me practice. This was one of my best decisions I ever made. I made a lot of cool friends this way and it turned out to be a great way for me to learn the art of photography. I distinctly remember texting Kate Kaput, while editing her photos and confused af, telling her that I had spent hours that day trying to learn how to edit photos, even though I needed to do other stuff, like look for a job. I followed that up with something like “That probably means I should be doing this for a living.” I was fucking right Anyway, all of that to say, I have been very surprised that my photography services were really the only thing that took off in Cleveland; and it changed the scope of my business quite a bit.

After blissful unemployment ended and my business (mainly, photography) was picking up, I stopped writing as much. Not only was it less time available, but it was less creative time and/or space in my head. I was putting all of my creativity into launching and marketing my business. To make matters ‘worse’, I was ghosted by someone I adored, and lost my interest in dating completely, which was fine, but made for less writing content. At that point, I had been really into writing about dating, and even became a top writer for Medium in the category of Love.

Suddenly, I was left with little time to write and no content to write about. And I’ve been riding that ever since. I’ve come up with a few things and I’ve reworked a few existing essays and put them up here, but as I’ve been saying for months now, I have not written anything I am especially proud of in SO LONG. Maybe six months. I’m not sure. This move didn’t help much either. It fucked up my writing and it fucked up my business. Moving to Denver, meant losing all my photography clients, i.e. the most profitable part of my business, but it also meant a total mindfuck. When I got the news from my best-friend-at-one-point/landlord, I was devastated. And when my mom said I could not move in with her, I was…I don’t even know what the word is. It’s something like almost being dead, but not quite dead, but kind of wish you were because it would be easier. Something so much deeper than depressed. I was depressed when Brian ended my lease/our friendship. But when my mom said I could not live with her, I felt my whole world end.

It wasn’t a surprise to any of my close friends that my mom said no. And they’ve all expressed, at least at one point, that they are glad I did not move in with my mom because they knew it wasn’t good for my mental health or our relationship. They’re not wrong. But that didn’t stop the life-crushing depression I experienced for two weeks after speaking with Brian and my mom. I couldn’t leave my bed. This has happened to me before, in rare instances of depression, but only for a day or two – MAX. Never have I experienced depression this bad for two weeks. I was tired all of the time. I slept a lot. Even when I wasn’t sleeping, I was in my bed. When I got up to go to the bathroom, I was exhausted by the time I was walking back into my bed. When Erin invited me to live with her, it was a god-send, and amazing, but it didn’t really end my depression. The anxiety and trauma of trying to figure out where I would live was gone. But the loss of my relationships with my best friend and my mother remained very present in every breath I took.

Moving to Denver gave me something to reach for. I now had stuff to do for something that was happening. I worked on selling 90% of my belongings. I started texting my close friends what was happening and telling them about my move to Denver, letting them know before I announced anything on social media. My dear friend, Colleen, said something that really caught my breath at the moment and stayed with me, even now. When I told her what was happening and I was moving to Denver, she said, “Aww Steph! I wish you the best and am here for you if you need anything. The mountains are beautiful and I hope they bring you what you need.” I loved that she said ‘I hope the mountains bring what you need’. I’ve always been a big believer in the healing powers of water, specifically bodies of water, and to be honest, the lack of ocean or lakes in Denver made me nervous, but Colleen got me thinking about stuff differently. I started to get excited.

I had a plan, I was getting excited, and then I went to Japan, which only made me more excited to move to Denver. It just wasn’t good for writing. I did write about my travel experiences to Japan, here and here, and an essay about dating, and the trip did give me a lot of healing and clarifying, and opportunities to write, but when I got home I had to hit the ground running when it came to the cross-country move.

I was so overwhelmed and my depression started to kick in again. In one of my greatest moments of vulnerability, I asked my greatest friend, Brittany, to help me. But not just help me like a normal person. I asked her to come over and make a to-do list with me and then run errands with me. I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t handle everything I had to do, so I just didn’t do anything. Brittany didn’t even hesitate. Actually, she was really excited. When I told her exactly how I was feeling and exactly what I needed from her, her reply: “OMG YES! Can we make lists and cross stuff of as we do them?” I had never been so grateful to have such a nerd for my greatest friend. She came over, we did shit, and we started crossing stuff off the to do list. She came over a total of 9 times, in the two weeks between coming back from Japan and leaving for Denver. Sometimes just to literally sit in my passenger’s seat and drive with me do errands. It sounds simple, but I could not have done it without her. She also did really big stuff too. She packed boxes (and somehow tapped them perfectly). She dropped things off at MULTIPLE donation centers. She did so much. I will never be able to express my gratitude to her for everything she did for me during this time. Even before the moving stuff got rolling, when I was deep in my depression, she would check on me every day.

I have loved Brittany since the day I met at her; on her first day at work at Cleveland Metropolitan School District. She was so cute and polite. I was so jaded and broken by that point. Our first interaction: we were in an All Team meeting, someone (one of our terrible bosses) used a yellow dry erase marker on the whiteboard, it obviously didn’t show up and Brittany sweetly said, not quite to herself, but not to anyone specific, “Oh, I’ve never seen a yellow dry erase marker before.” No one else was listening to her, but I heard her and I snarkly responded with “There’s a lot of things here you’ve never seen before.” And she laughed, like a lot. A laugh that was real and told me we would be friends. At the very least work friends. Almost four years later, I can safely say she is my greatest friend. I tell her this often, either directly or in writing, that I’ve never met anyone like her. She is the kindest soul I’ve ever had the pleasure of interacting with. She is patient with me. She asks questions before judging. She always focuses on the positive. She has never told me I’ve done something wrong. It’s mind boggling to me, because we are so so different, but other than my brother, I’ve never felt closer to another soul. She is truly the greatest. I truly hope everyone has a Brittany in their life. If not, please go find someone. And a side note – check out her executive coaching business because she’s an extremely gifted coach, and she also just got a super amazing prestigious job that she 100000% deserves.

Ok, so this isn’t a love letter to Brittany. Although, I have been trying to write her a letter for over a month now, so maybe this is the start I needed. But to go back to where is started, it’s been hard to write lately, so even though I started writing Brittany a letter several times, I couldn’t ever get through the first few lines. And even though I have tried writing Brian a letter, and have a lot on paper, I can’t seem to get it right. And even though, I haven’t even started the painful process of writing a letter to my mother, letting her know how I feel, because that might literally end me at this point (not using literally figuratively), it’s still on my to-do list. But to recap: I don’t have the time, I don’t have the creative space in my brain, and too much is going on – that’s why I haven’t been writing.

I shouldn’t say, I haven’t been writing. I have been. I have written a lot in notebooks. I have a lot of shit typed into my phone’s Notes app. I have thousands of words of shit right here on this laptop. Because I never truly STOP writing. I’m always writing. Every single day I write something, whether it’s on my phone, laptop, notebook. Here is where I struggle lately: Among the reasons I just listed, I have been having a hard time writing/publishing my writing because I can’t seem to write something without feeling like I’m just complaining. Everything that’s been going on and everything I am feeling lately, I feel like the victim and everyone else looks like a villain, and that comes out in my writing. Much of my writing has been about how other people have been shitty to me; but it’s also how that made me feel, the shitty things I’ve done, and about how I’ve worked through that. I don’t feel any of that with the shit I’ve been going through as of late. At least not when I write it and read it back to myself. When I read it back to myself, it sounds like I’m complaining. A LOT. And for some readers, that’s what this whole blog might sound like to them. But to me, and avid readers, it’s not. It’s about how I’ve dealt with shit, worked through or am trying to work through some shit, and most importantly how this is all a part of the greater human experience. Much to the chagrin of my parents, my writing has never been about putting other people on blast. It’s really not. I don’t write shit with the sole purpose of embarrassing people. But I do not let the fact that a story might embarrass someone I love prevent me from telling that story. That’s not reason alone. And where I’m at right now, with my life and my writing, it’s just not enough. I don’t have a point of view. I don’t have a message. I don’t have much to say other than bash the people that have hurt me, even if that literally means just recapping events from my perspective. It’s not enough. So I’ve been withholding my writing. Until today, when I saw my Instagram traffic data and realized that my profile views have gone down a lot lately (because I haven’t been posting anything new on the blog or Instagram) and I felt inspired to explain why I haven’t been posting much the last six months, especially the last three.

Yes, I want to tell you more about how I am adjusting to Denver. How my call to my dad on his birthday in march went. And how his call on my 30th birthday went. About how I feel about my mother and I’s relationship. How frustrated I get with my Instagram growth. How I annoyed I am that for every 10 followers I get, I lose 7. How jealous I am of people who get 270 likes on a post, when I rarely get past 40. How anxious I feel about my finances and next steps and what my goals are now. And how every day I have at least one moment of screaming inside my head, “WTF DID YOU GET YOURSELF INTO GIRLFRIEND!!!! YOU FUCKED UP BIG TIME!” YES, I want to tell you all of that. But I can’t figure out how to tell you all of that without sounding like I’m complaining, or gossiping, or just throwing people that have hurt me under the bus. That’s not my goal here. Ultimately, this isn’t a diary, it’s a blog. My only goal for this platform, which I’ve said for the last year, is to let you know you’re not alone. I’m glad I could share this, while maybe it’s not exactly how I pictured it, it’s what I needed, and I hope to god at least one of you needed it to.

You are loved,

Stephanie

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