#i wanna do ask games but it makes me depressed lately bcs often i just end up barely getting any

[skitskatdacat63]

.

[milks-writings]

HCs 4 Oikawa, Tanaka, Kenma, & Kuroo w a s/o who wants to give them a massage? 👀

✿.｡.:*☆.:*:*:.☆*.:｡.✿.✿.｡.:*☆.:*:*:.☆*.:｡.✿.

☆*.:｡.✿ 𝕡𝕒𝕚𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘: Tōru Oikawa x GN!Reader;   Ryūnosuke Tanaka x GN!Reader;   Kenma Kozume x GN!Reader;   Tetsurō Kuroo X GN!Reader

☆*.:｡.✿ 𝕡𝕝𝕠𝕥: Asking them if they wanna get a nice massage 💅🏻

☆*.:｡.✿ 𝕘𝕖𝕟𝕣𝕖: fluff!

☆*.:｡.✿ 𝕨𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤: swearing (Is this even a new thing here?); slightly suggestive!

☆*.:｡.✿ 𝕒/𝕟: This 👀Request👀Is👀Very👀Interesting👀

This is kinda NSFW? Not really doe? If you understand? Like no smut, just some moaning here and there oop-

I RLLY LOVE THIS RQ ANON THIS IS SOMETHING NEW I’VE NEVER SEEN HEHE😤❤🥺

Every character has about 240 words!

HERE is the same with Nishinoya, Bokuto, and Tsukishima! 

☆*.:｡.✿ 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥

☆*.:｡.✿ Headcanons:

Oikawa, Tanaka, Kozume, and Kuroo with an S/O who wants to give them a massage:

Oikawa:

He works really hard to pay the rent win

So he gets pretty tired and sore sometimes, and since then you started to get worried about him

Was he okay?

Should you offer him a massage?

NO WAY YOU WOULD RISK THIS AND BOOST HIS EGO OMDSOYDF

BUT you feel bad :(

Especially on this day, where they lost against Karasuno

He wasn’t only sore, but also pretty depressed now :(

So you just go for it

The first time he is so confused

But then flirt flirt flirt

“Ohh babe, if you wanted to see my abs you just had to ask for it~” winky winky

If you wouldn’t feel bad you would def fucking hit this mf on his head

“No Toru, I literally mean it. If you feel sore, I can give you a massage, besides, you seem to be in a bad mood, maybe it will help to relax a little”

He can’t with your cuteness:(

After you start he is like “Woah why they so good doe”

He is in love with the way you massage each muscle on his back, and he feels much better after that

He loves you more after that like that's for sure

HIS FLIRTS NEVER STOP THO

“If you want to I could also massage something for you~” Smirk

Bitch what

I will leave it to your imagination what happened afterward 👀

You sometimes do it whenever he’s having a bad day bc you can’t stand his whiny ass sometimes oop

Tanaka:

Ever since the nationals started to roll around, their practices started to get harder and they started to work harder in improving

He never was really sore though, but this seriously made his back and arms feel a little sore

You started to notice how he complained about how his back hurt etc.

So you thought and thought

Oh my you could give him a massage

After you ask him he is like “You would seriously do that?” and so happy like aojdfysdf

Already having an s/o was like a miracle but that was def something else

HE WOULD MOAN A LITTLE OOP

But that’s not because he wants to:(

Would brag everywhere how good you are at massages

“They aren’t only a beauty, no, they can even give the best massages!”

“Can they also give me one?”

Rip Hinata

Since you started to do it more and more often, he started to play better!

So his grandiose idea: You come with him to Tokyo!

Everyone is surprised that he can play better, bc like, he was good before but wow

Tanaka would always be so energetic afterward

He is already a crackhead but that only boosts this side

He is filled with energy and is so happy that you are willing to give him massages!

Once also tried it for you but he was too embarrassed bc u were like half-naked in front him and he couldn’t focus oof

Kozume:

We all know that he plays really many games

But did no one ever wonder if his hands ever get sore after that?

Like fr, my hands get sore pretty quick after writing for a few hours, but he games pretty often

You, of course, noticed it right away after seeing how he started to rub on his hands because they started to hurt a little

And so you took the opportunity

“Kenma, do you want me to massage your hands?”

He is so surprised at your question but smiles a little after a few seconds and nods a little

Soft for you bc you know how tired he can get from only playing

Once you start to massage his hands he is so whipped for you

After that, his hands feel much better

Takes your hand and kisses the back of it, then offers you to cuddle a little bc he is so thankful 🥺

“You are really an angel” AW KENMA ILYT

Soft hours with him afterward

His game can wait a little

Thinks you have some kind of magical hands bc how good can someone be at giving other massages?

You do it more often now and he gets actually better in setting and gaming!

It gets a routine for you two, always after an exhausting day you massage his hands and Kuroo is really glad that he also improved in setting bc of you

Kuroo:

Being the captain of a crackhead team is literally the most exhausting thing

Let’s b honest, don’t y’all think that he gets ever exhausted?

Plus school

Massive headache

It was the final exams week and he was so stressed :(

You noticed that he started to take a few more painkillers lately, and how he started to nap a little more, but he never told you about his headache

You figured out after a week later

It was as he was studying

His father let you in and you walked up into his room, knocking before getting in

You noticed the small frown on his face, so without any words, you massaged his scalp

He was a little surprised, but it was really nice to get a massage

He would moan, purposely to make you embarrassed

Sometimes also groan

But you keep on going, and he is really thankful for that

His headache is gone, it's like a miracle!

After that, you tell him that he should also give himself a break

And you two cuddle afterward

Since there he sometimes would call you to ask if you could give him again a massage

He only stopped moaning after the sixth time omg

He once would offer you to also give you a massage

One moan and things would end heated 👀

Sometimes your horny ass would moan purposely hehe

“I know you did It purposely”

You were kinda fucked after that oof

[reversecreek]

✵ zloane , bravier , nyla and sean

ZIGGY & SLOANE

their first impression of your muse:

sexy. tugged on her hair literally the first time he saw her hadn’t even had a conversation bt was just like target? located. going? ✈️ annoy her. probably initially just thought she was only at the skate park bc sean was n was like 🙄 then she cld actually skate n he was like 😏 liked that she gave him shit. found it funny pushing her buttons. liked her eyes. probably was like wtf is in the fuckin water in this town yo why all my friends got hot sisters that shit aint right tryna make me a dog....... not that he was even. phased by betraying those boundaries bt. still. i won’t lie his main first impression was probably jst damn bit hot when she glares at me like that. KJHFSGKSJHGKGHSFKGH

current impression:  

knows her a little more than he likes to know people. favourite person to argue w. can possibly skate better than him bt if she said so he’d be like “ur off ur fuckin tits man” n then practice secretly on his own for hours that night n get 9457295 scrapes. doesn’t like talking abt her dad like him so one time he put a firework in his mailbox n never admitted it was him. has reactions to youtube videos tht make him snort. quite funny in general rly. drinks a lot not that he can judge it’s just sometimes he notices n once he even snatched her cup n drank the rest so she couldn’t. played it off as their typical fuckery bt he isn’t sure what that feeling was. hasn’t been concerned often enough to know it by name. finds her hot at inappropriate moments like when a movie chara’s dying n he’s meant to be sad. finds her hot when she pisses him off too. thinks mayb she likes the excuse to hold onto him when she rides on his vespa but he kind of likes it too so he’s not about to call it out bc “he isn’t about that deep shit”. 

are they attracted to your muse?:  

KFJHGKJGHFGKFHSGKSHGKSFGH. imagine i was jst like no <3... yes. he likes to act like he’s less so than he is bt it’s obvious.

something they find frightening about your muse:

i wouldn’t say it frightens him bt sometimes he catches her looking at him a certain way n it unsettles him but he doesn’t know why. usually just pretends he didn’t catch it.

something they find adorable about your muse:  

he likes her short hair he’s always ruffling it n tugging on it. whenever she hs bumps n scrapes n bruises from falling off her board n getting back on over n over again jst never giving up or giving a fk. when she acts like she isn’t jealous.

would my muse sacrifice themselves for yours?:  

umm. no. he’s an asshole. KGJSHFKGHSKFHGSKFGHKGH. sighs.

would my muse go on a date with yours?  platonic/romantic:  

no..... sees that as dangerous territory wouldn’t wna blur the lines. looks away.

one word my muse would use to describe yours:  

baddie. FKGJHSKGHFGSFHGSKGHSFKHG. demonic (when they’ve had a fight). 

would my muse slap yours if they could?:

no. he loves to argue w her but it never feels that Real u know... more like flirting. even when they’re rly pissed off. wld never enter that territory he hates shit like tht w a passion. cue round of applause from the audience for this absolutely low bar.

would my muse hug/kiss yours?:

i feel like they’re not rly huggy people...... ziggy probably puts his arm around her a lot tho he loves doing that. hs kissed her more times than he can count too n doesn’t plan on stopping

BRADLEY & XAVIER

their first impression of your muse:

funny. mean in a more digestible way than she was used to. he had barbs n she liked the way people winced when they tried to swallow his company. when she got paired w him for a class project she met his eyes across the room n he didn’t quickly look away like most ppl. something abt that intrigued her. a sharp fingernail inside her head kept having to itch at something n she realised it was the urge for him to call her a bad name. this weird craving to hear an angry word inside his mouth just for her. she used to think that’s what someone wanting her was like. still does sometimes. this both pissed her off n caught her attention which is a bit of an accomplishment fr someone who gets bored by everyone n everything.

current impression:  

his heart’s more good than she expected. it felt a bit like having a cat drop a dead mouse at ur doorstep that u don’t know what to do with when she realised that. she felt uncomfortably like her mother when she couldn’t get out of his bed bc she was too depressed n that rly made her feel like. ill honestly. he did all the right things but suddenly she just felt sick abt the whole situation which is Not the normal reaction to ur bf caring about u but bradley doesn’t understand ppl caring abt her. felt more like pity. she thinks he’s better off. she misses him sometimes bt then she reminds herself she doesn’t miss people. does a good job of believing it. one of the best ppl she’s dated not that she’d say it.

are they attracted to your muse?:  

yes..... ws probably. unhinged n rabid when they were dating. very good at hiding it now however. cold at the drop of a hat.

something they find frightening about your muse:

that he witnessed her being vulnerable............ literally grosses her out so much like she’d rather die than. anyone see her like that. when they were dating she’d get paranoid her dad wld somehow find out too n smthn wld happen to him for it. it ws definitely weird for her like the fact she even cared enough to consider tht.

something they find adorable about your muse:  

adorable is rly not a word that fits into bradley’s vocabulary GHSFGHSFKGHSFKG bt hm. maybe if he ever tried to tell her what to do one time even casually. she’d b like awww..... u think i do what anyone tells me? that’s so fucking sweet. 

would my muse sacrifice themselves for yours?:  

in most cases no :/..... however if it was smthn to do w the guys that work for her dad then ya she’d put herself in danger to avoid him being in it.

would my muse go on a date with yours?  platonic/romantic:  

i mean she has in the past bt bradley’s idea of dates is like. starting a bar fight together. getting thrown out of a club n both falling over into trash cans in a dingy back alley. stealing a car. breaking into a random house n fking in a stranger’s bed. fking in the bk of a movie theatre w a horror movie screening. definitely not dinner or anything like tht. she wldn’t now........ they’re not exactly in a place fr that..... 

one word my muse would use to describe yours:  

ex. whatever. i know it’s not one word but “some guy”. FGHSKGHFGKSHG >_>

would my muse slap yours if they could?:

no. she’s a violent person bt not xavier.

would my muse hug/kiss yours?:

NO hugging...................... she fronts like she wldn’t kiss him bt like. if a discussion got heated n they were in each other’s faces who’s to say. 

NYLA & SEAN

their first impression of your muse:

strange little fella which is a very high compliment. kind of reminded them of an animated turtle come to life in the human realm altho they honestly don’t have an explanation for that it’s just the way their brain works. they love the turtles in finding nemo tho so maybe there’s some sort of correlation. very nice face. they kind of wanted to hold his head like a bowling ball just so they could examine it properly. i feel like when they first met him they probably reached out n smoothed a sticky label onto his forehead that said ‘catfish in chernobyl’ n they had one on their forehead that was blank n then they just wafted a pen mid air n were like ‘wanna play guesses?’ even tho that isn’t the name of the game. as if that was just. a completely normal introduction to someone. FGKHSKHGSFKGHSFKG. feel like sean wld have rolled w that tho so nyla was like :P i like.... if they played another round they’d give sean another sticky label that said ‘the loneliest whale in the world’ n then it’d start a whole conversation abt how nyla thinks they can speak whaleish. (whale spin on elvish). 

current impression:  

sean makes them think of that artificial blue raspberry flavour some popsicles have n how it’s always rly fun when they stain ur tongue. sweet n exuberant n leaves a bright impression. he lets them ride on his skateboard sometimes rolling along being lead by them holding his hand n nyla likes to shut their eyes like they’re a bird sailing above the clouds. one of their favourite things to do especially when the sun’s out. bc of this nyla thinks sean was a bird in his past life but not a greedy one like a seagull or a plain one like a pigeon. maybe a bluebird bc of his eyes. he makes them laugh a lot. they entrusted him to babysit their children (as pictured) in his hair for a whole day and night once n they had lots of fun with him so nyla thinks he’s very trustworthy and kind. he also is rly easy to talk to like they cld randomly be like “i’ve been thinking lately that maybe homer simpson could’ve been a good figure skater” n sean wldn’t look at them like they’ve lost their marbles he’d just go w it. they like his company a lot.

are they attracted to your muse?:  

😏

something they find frightening about your muse:

ummm nothing in particular altho one time when they were rly tripping out bc his eyes are blue n it got them thinking abt the ocean n they always think they can talk to ghosts underwater so they were kind of like. thinking abt ghosts whenever they looked him in the eyes. maybe covered their own w their hands n if sean asked why they told him abt it. suddenly he shut his eyes to make them feel better n it turned into a whole thing where nyla had to lead him around the party like a guide dog.

something they find adorable about your muse:  

his nose. watching him talk to his siblings. his hands.

would my muse sacrifice themselves for yours?:  

😌 yea

would my muse go on a date with yours?  platonic/romantic:  

yes............ feel like they’d have fun if they went anywhere tbh........ cn imagine them at a fair eating from the same cotton candy n chattering as they point out things. nyla trying to do that hammer game where u make the meter reach the top n lifting the hammer in the air n falling backwards bc it was heavier than they anticipated.... sean yelling like man down man down..... mayb they take a tab n suddenly the fair is so scary they’re like 😳 we’re in danger...

one word my muse would use to describe yours:  

silly (affectionate). sailor (also term of endearment). gnome (same thing again). cool.

would my muse slap yours if they could?:

no ur sick....

would my muse hug/kiss yours?:

ya to both. jst suddenly had a vision too of nyla being cold one time n clinging to sean from the front like a bushbaby in a hug as he carries her around. suddenly this mode of transportation hs happened more thn once (godmod) (contact my lawyers if u dare bebe) (bitch) (i take it back) (it wasn’t right alli it jst wasn’t right) (pelase forigev m eim shakign)

[aryn-writes]

And we are back to over sharing to deal with my mental health

TW: Caps, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, Depression, Anxiety

Venting Post!

I am so tired. And before you ask, yes I sleep over six hours every night. When I can, I sleep over 12. So my sleeping is not the issue.

The issue is that I have no fucking clue how to exist anymore.

I was initially trying to remain as the person that I was. They were a happyish ray of sunshine that was so good at helping people. And they did! People came to them daily to vent, get advice, or just letting them know that they are doing better. And I wasn’t doing great mentally then, but I was making improvements!

It has been over a year since we went into lockdown.

And you know, there have been good things that came out of the isolation.

I know I am nonbinary! And I was getting closer to dressing how I want!

But I am exhausted.

While I am at a healthy weight now, I have been slipping in and out of my ED habits. My family has also been continuously shitting on me for gaining weight. (if you’re curious, I am 5’4” [~162 cm] at 135 lbs [~61 kg]. I used to be at 100 lbs [45 kg]. And I would continuously dip back in double digits.) So, I have a fear that I’m going tot get bad again and that is just not something that I can handle at the moment.

I also can’t socialize, because holy fuck that shit is terrifying.

Like there are times when I can’t even talk to my family.

My closest friends? One of them messages me daily to make sure I’ve eaten at least one thing (which I agree, very kind, but I will explain why I don’t like it in a bit.) The other I haven’t talked to in months and it is so awkward when we try to talk. All the other people I used to consider close haven’t talked to me in a year, even after I would attempt to reach out to them.

I know that it is partially my fault; I am horrible at messaging and keeping conversations going is one of my weaker points, even in person. Along with that, I have been having depressive episodes more often that I care to keep track of, and I push people away and isolate myself during those times. So I get that it might be difficult to talk to me.

But there are people who I will reach out to, and they read the message and just don’t respond.

Like... I will literally say “hey! It’s been a while, how have you been?” (No response)

A week goes by

“I’m just checking in to make sure you’re doing alright” (left on read)

Another week

“Me and this person wanted to plan a small hang out online! She found this really cool website that we can play games, and we can use discord to chat. Wanna join?” (No response)

And it goes on.

For over seven months.

So if you have an active imagination and are prone to overthinking, you can imagine that my thoughts are “well shit. They just don’t like me and were only friendly bc i was dating him.” (Him being my ex boyfriend; we broke up a month into the quarantine.)

And so that kinda fucked with my anxiety even more.

I don’t blame them for not talking to me. The logical part of me understands that sometimes you just don’t respond, or maybe you forget or just don’t want to. I get that. But the part of me that has been overwhelming is pretty much like, everyone hates you and you’re a burden.

And it’s really hard to open up to the people you are close to when you feel this way.

So we come back to the close friend who checks that I’ve eaten.

He is wonderful, do not get me wrong. We became acquaintances around September 2019, and friends a few months after. At this time, I was dating my ex, who was an acquaintance to the close friend. (We are going to call the close friend Edward from here on out.)

At that time, I was struggling with my body image and my eating disorder. (Every year I go through a relapse and recovery, it fucking sucks and sometimes the relapse take over almost the whole year, but not the point right now.) One of his first memories of me is me having a panic attack because I ate a sandwich.

So during this pandemic, Edward has been messaging me to make sure I’m eating, because he doesn’t want me to get really bad again. Which is nice!

Except he doesn’t really understand mental illness.

He has been trying! Do not get me wrong, he does try. But his way of going about talking to me during a depressive episode is “Just don’t let it get to you” And “Be happy” and my favorite, “I don’t get why it’s so bad.”

😃🤡

Along with that, he gets incredibly upset when I don’t respond to his messages within like thirty minutes.

Keep in mind, I have been going through many, many depressive episodes and am constantly struggling to get out of bed and keep up with my school work. I have told him this. I have told him that sometimes I just cannot handle checking my messages and participating in conversation.

And a side note, I am in my last year of high school. Which mean I have online learning and in a few months I will be graduating. Which means I have a few classes I need to pass in order to graduate. If you keep up with most high schoolers, we have been getting an absurd amount of work with due dates every fucking day. That plus depression does not go well, and so I am very tired all the time, but since we have actual lectures instead of recordings, I keep my camera on for every single class because the teacher’s get sad if we don’t. And yes, there are classes where it is just me and the teacher with our cameras on. And yes I constantly disassociate during class and stop focusing because I forget to.

So yeah, it is fucking hard to just keep up with that, and socializing isn’t really something my brain sees as important because of the constant negative energy I receive when I do try to talk to people. So I have told him that as of late, it is just difficult to do much besides school, and things that produce any sort of serotonin or dopamine.

And he got upset that talking to him wasn’t making me happy!

Which, it does! Because he is a great friend! But he is so rude about the things involving my mental illnesses! And acts like he understands it better because he is in a psychology class! So in this state, I do not feel as comfortable talking to him since he only wants the ‘happy’ version of me that struggles to eat so that he can ‘fix’ my eating disorder and be able to feel like he did something!

But I continue to try to talk to him, because he is an only child and I am one of his only actual friends. (I really wish I was kidding, but when we became close, he told me that I was the first person to ever actually care about how he’s feeling and how he is actually doing rather than just taking advantage of his presence. He almost cried when I said that I appreciated his existence.)

And I do care about him. Edward is definitely a close friend, and I appreciate that he tries. But lately, he only does it for the validation of knowing he did something good, and it feels like he is just tired of having me around since I can’t bring myself to speak much.

So I have been trying to push myself to be a good friend to him. And I am doing what I can to pretend that I am getting better so that he can be happier. Which is just tiring me out even more.

I feel empty most of the time now, and I am so easily put over the edge. I can hide it pretty well, but it has been getting to the point where I am contemplating self harm again just to feel something.

I don’t remember how to properly do things. I am really just trying to get through every day. But it feels like I am headed straight for doom and I am so tired of it and I just want to leave!

Which in a few months, technically I will. I hope to go out of state for college (to get as far as I possibly can from all of this shit) but as I apply to more scholarships, I want to scream and cry because I have no clue how I am going to pay for college because my parents make too much money and my mother spends it all on herself so I am stressed out. I didn’t do enough extracurriculars, and I have been rejected from so many scholarships that it’ s starting to look like I might need to stay here, and I can’t do that. I just can’t.

So I have been crying and trying to escape from this shit, and I feel like at some point I might just constantly think that nothing is real and none of this shit matters, because that is on my mind more and more.

But hey! I have been reading, writing, gaming, watching anime and drawing to cope so that shit exists (even though it’s all shit so I won’t post it) and I’m making improvements with that so that is something?

I don’t fucking know lol.

I am just tired, and this was a rant. I don’t fucking care. Hope you have a good day!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #332

i’m even more tired than before to try and think up song lyrics, i’m pasting from Word and then fucking off to bed lmao.

What was the last video message you received on your phone? I think it was a clip of Doris (Sara's beardie) eating and just being her perfect self? Was your last birthday cake homemade or store bought? Store-bought. One thing you miss about middle school? Shit, nothing. Middle school was the worst. Do you have any shirts signed by famous people? No. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. Would you ever pierce yourself? No. I am very much about having a professional do your body mods/art. Plus, I have tremors in my hands. Do you live in a safe neighbourhood? Supposedly. We haven't lived here nearly long enough to know. What is the last thing you did that shocked someone? /shrug Do you often find yourself questioning your future? Only always. Have you ever been for a ride in the back of a truck? Yeah. Do you like your license photo? I hate my permit picture. Are you into superheroes? Who’s your favorite? Not very, but I like 'em enough. I always say my favorite is Deadpool, but I know he's technically an anti-hero, but whatever. If you don't include him, uhhhh... maybe Spiderman. Have you started watching any new TV shows recently? No. Have you ever been able pet a normally wild animal, like a tiger or dolphin? No. :( At least, not to my recollection. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah. There's actually a winter treat 'round here that you make with snow and sugar called snow cream. Good stuff. What is the messiest area in your home? Right now, the spare room/my wanna-be "office." What’s your favorite computer game genre? Still horror, like video games. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you received financial help from your parents in the past 5 years? I'm completely financially dependent on them still. Are you a fast or a slow eater? I eat like, stupid fast, but without being messy. People *cough*Mom*cough* will absolutely point it out, but I seriously can't help it. Making a conscious effort to eat slow feels way too weird. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Is there anyone in your family/household whom you frequently argue with? No. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? Ew, no. Tell me what's on your mind? I've been considering yet again reaching out to some tattoo parlors and asking if they're open to hiring someone to handle the front desk and take care of business besides actually performing piercing and tattooing, given my tremors. My group therapy has kinda been encouraging me to use the possibility for social exposure, and besides, I'm very comfortable in the environment and just general aura of tat parlors. I'm sure I'd have to answer the phone, handle money, and obviously talk to costumers, but I know and accept that. I've been at such a stagnant point with my social anxiety in particular that I have to start pushing back harder, and doing this I feel would be one of the most relaxed, social job positions I can hopefully handle. I don't dare to even try this though until I get vaccinated to protect my immunocompromised mom. Writing this all out has actually been pretty encouraging about this idea... Do you wish you never dated someone you dated? Yeah, Tyler. It was such a "I'm lonely and he was nice in high school, so we'll try it" situation. I got nothing from it. Are you scared of growing old alone? Pretty badly. What are you listening to right now? I'm listening to/semi-watching John Wolfe play the remaster of Resident Evil 2. What breed was the last dog you saw? He was a German shepherd. Would you ever go swimming during a thunderstorm? No. Any time a thunderstorm was brewing and I was in the pool, I'd always get out. What is the next concert you will attend? Mom and I plan to see Ozzy when/if he reschedules his tour after he had to cancel with his Parkinson's diagnosis. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy. :/ What's the highest science class you have taken? I don't know, actually. What makes you squeal like a school girl? No shame, seeing Mark and Amy do something cute together actually does this, lmao. What’s your favorite symbol? (i.e. the pentagram, the cross, etc.) Do fictional ones count? Because in that case, the Halo of the Sun from the Silent Hill franchise. I'm getting it tattooed somewhere at some point, I'm thinking the left side of my neck. I'm either gonna fashion it in a way where it looks branded on or carved into me. Have you ever been on anti depressants? For all of my pre-teen, teen, and some of my adult life. Apparently, I've only had one truly educated psychiatrist out of no less than a dozen I'd seen, because he fixed me right up. He taught me that those who suffer from bipolarity should avoid anti-depressants; they ramp up your bipolar symptoms. Instead, mood stabilizers are favorable. And what do you know, after I was prescribed a stabilizer and a catalyst for that medication, my depression decreased dramatically and became handleable. Have you ever starved yourself? Kinda. What’s the stupidest name you’ve ever given a pet? I had a guinea pig named Harry Potter. For no particular reason lmao. I'm not even a Harry Potter fan. Do you have nice legs? God no. Do you like fedoras? Okay so I know I am in the strong minority, but I actually do, haha. What is your favorite food group? Carbs. @_@ Have you ever got told that you should be a model? No, but one of the most flattering indirect compliments I've ever gotten was being mistaken for one. Jason's phone wallpaper was one of my favorite pictures of myself with my first snake, and someone asked him if I was a model. ;v;' What song is in a language you don’t speak, but you love it anyway? "Donaukinder" by Rammstein is one of my faves. Who’s a villain you sympathize with and why? SOBS Darkiplier bc his origins are so damn tragic and unfair. What book do you think should be directed as a film? Was The Giver ever made into one? I don't remember that book well, but I do recall it being absolutely beautiful. Have you ever found a stranger’s note somewhere? If so, what did it say? No. Have you ever edited Wikipedia? No. Have you ever edited any other wiki? Yeah. I have thousands on the Silent Hill wiki, where I'm one of the admins. I'm also a content moderator at the Team Ico (Shadow of the Colossus devs) one. Every now and again I used to go on the meerkats wiki as well, where I mainly fixed the fucking nightmarish grammar. Very briefly, I edited at the Dragons of Atlantis wiki as well. Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? Not very, but of course I still acknowledge the risk and am more conscious of hand washing and stuff. What popular social media platforms AREN’T you on? Snapchat, I don't actually use my Twitter, I don't have a personal Instagram... There may be more, idk. Is TikTok a "social media platform?" Because I don't have that, either. What was the name of the first porcelien doll you got? Never had one, given I was afraid of dolls as a kid. What’s your favorite Paramore song? "Decode." Would you be happy with a life without romance? To be entirely honest, I'd feel like I was missing something. Was your childhood happy? Mostly. What fundamentally matters do you? Love, kindness, peace, all that gooey stuff. Is true world peace ever possible? As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think so. The human population is far too big to come to a unanimous agreement on anything. Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? Yeah. Would you ever own a pet black widow spider? No. I'm getting more into the idea of owning invertebrates (I jabber enough about wanting tarantulas, and there are others, like mantises, I'm interested in as pets), but black widows, I'm not into the idea of having. Too venomous for me to be comfortable risking. If you have a job, what is the longest shift that you've worked? N/A Do you know all of the words to "Bohemian Rhapsody?" FUCK YES I DO. ^ Do you sing it with all of the different voices? sho nuff Do you own more than one copy of a certain book? No. Do you like interpreting poetry or just reading it for fun? Both. I love symbolism, so I get joy out of digging for subtle meanings in poems. Do you have a favorite Dr. Suess book? Yeah, it was always Green Eggs and Ham. Do you watch The Walking Dead? If so, favorite character? Not the show, but I've watched let's plays of the games, haha. In which case Clementine is inarguably one of the best female characters in a video game universe. Who has/had the most mature romantic relationship you’ve seen with your own eyes? Uhhh. I mean I never saw them much, but probably my late grandmother and her last husband. He was fucking incredible to her, and Grammy adored him as well. They helped each other so much and just obviously had the purest love between them. When was the last time you got something for free (legally)? What was it & have you enjoyed it so far? Lmao do balls in Pokemon GO count? Their occasional free boxes are the reason I can play the game because PokeStops are essentially non-existent here, so yes. What is the one fruit you can’t stand to eat? How about vegetable? The first one that came to me were oranges. I enjoy orange juice, but I just caaaaannot with the white veiny shit that you can't totally get off when peeling it. Without that, I might actually enjoy them, but idk. As for vegetable, asparagus is absolutely abhorrent. When’s the last time you actually recited the pledge? If you aren’t American, do/did you have anything similar in your country that you do during a time at school? Probably not since high school. Last person you shared food with? Ummm I have no idea. It's really just Mom and me here and we eat our own stuff. What was the last song you heard for the first time and enjoyed? I believe it waaas... "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson, maybe. If your life was a TV show, what would be the theme song? My inner high school emo just screamed "All Signs Point to Lauderdale" by AD2R. Who are some of your favorite female fictional characters, and why? Gahdamn, there's a lot. I don't feel like going through a mental list in my head and then describing why. A character (in anything) you wish hadn’t been killed off? Vol'jin; I think the entire WoW fanbase will forever be pissed about it. It was THE most "lul we dunno what 2 do w/ him anymore, let's let a totally random, unnamed, unimportant demon kill him" like what the fuck, Blizz. Most of his "oomph" was in the book, and I just really wish they'd done so much more with him in the game. Has anything “cute” happened in the past week? Off the top of me noggin, no. When did you last say “I love you”? Did you mean it? Yesterday to Sara. OF course I did. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? Hi, PTSD, how are ya. Have you ever slept all day? Essentially. When I was on a larger dose of my anxiety med, I physically couldn't stay up for barely even five minutes, and when I'd lie back down, boom, I was OUT. I stayed on that dosage for I think just that one day, it was so bad. Can you have kids? Well, I have a functioning menstrual cycle, so I would assume so. Doesn't mean I will, though. What colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes? Only black. Do you like eating sour things? Hell yeah, I love sour stuff, candy in particular. Do you like pickles? fuuuuck yeah Did you ever have a really close friend move away? Yeah, in elementary school. I feel bad I can't remember her name at the moment... What's the most creative thing you've ever done? I mean, I guess the things I've written in RP. What's the most creative thing someone has done for you? For me? I don't really know. Do you like to watch ghost-hunting shows? Sure, they're some of my favorites. What’s something you’d like to be better at? Social interaction. Have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad? Yeah. Do you think you would make a good parent? No. I know I wouldn't. The only time I ever wanted kids was with Jason, and honestly, I really hope I don't end up with a man because I never want to deal with that urge again and make a mistake. I'm just in no way emotionally fit to be a mother. How many best friends do you have? Just one. What do you cry over the most? My PTSD, honestly. I never sob about it anymore, just shed some tears. What language did/do you take in high school? Latin for one semester, then all four available for German. Which sports do you follow? None. Who was the last person you talked about marriage or having kids with? About marriage, Sara. Kids, the subject was lightly touched upon with Girt, though "with" was never a part of it, but obviously implied seeing as we were dating with long-term in mind. Have you ever been in a house fire? No, thankfully. Have you ever made out for one straight hour? them is rookie numbers Are you any good at remembering phone numbers? No. I literally don't even know my own, nor my mother's. I need to fix that. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Girt. Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many? No. If I gave you twenty bucks what would you do with it? Save it to go towards Venus' terrarium. Is there a movie from your childhood that you still watch today? Well of course! I'm unashamed to watch any "kids" movie I enjoy, like Disney ones. Most "kids" movies tend to be better than those intended for adults, it seems... Are you afraid of mice? Oh no, I adore mice and I think had a pair as pets before I got rats. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I can't really answer this; I haven't gone on nearly enough vacations to develop a theme. I can say confidently though it'd probably be something small. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't enjoy musicals. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? One or two with Sara, yes. I know we at least watched the weeping angels episode. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? Warriors by S.E. Hinton. Sometimes I wanna get back into them, but I am YEARS behind and more into Wings of Fire anyway, so. I don't read nearly enough for both. How do you get rid of your hiccups? Literally no trick seems to work for me. I just suffer lmao.

[nikatyler]

Felt like doing some replies the ~ old fashioned ~ way. I should be packing, but I don’t wanna. One good thing about this semester is that I don’t have classes on Monday morning, which means I don’t have to go to Prague on Sunday. But I’ll be once again going home late on Friday -_- Oh well. Maybe I could skip the lecture every once in a while to go home on Thursday afternoon.

I’m scared. Not really of what I’ll have to learn because I know that even if it’s difficult, I’ll probably get it in my brain in the end. Somehow. I’m more scared that once again, I’ll be left alone. I haven’t really found a stable friend group. I mean, I talk to some people sometimes, but I wouldn’t call it a friendship. One friend that I thought I could rely on doesn’t even bother saying hello to me anymore. I don’t know what I did to him, he just stopped talking to me. But maybe it’s for the best. Even when we still talked, I couldn’t believe how judgemental he was, and I often wondered if he talks about me like that too when I can’t hear it. He probably did. Oh well, I’ll see what I can do. I hope I’ll run into someone who is kinda like my best friend from high school.

As for sims stuff, I know I still owe some things to some people and I feel bad about it. You’ll get it eventually. I’m actually looking forward to doing it too. Makeovers are fun. I’d also like to release some more sims, I have one more sim dump and then some old legacy characters I want to share, plus some BC contestants that didn’t make it. They like to get eliminated in the first rounds.

Also, thanks for the comments on my mental health update post. I’ll see how this turns out and if it doesn’t get any better (I’m kinda hoping that better weather brings better mood, it worked before), I’ll start looking for a therapist or something. No offense to my parents but talking to them about this didn’t help in a slightest. They just don’t get it. And I swear I’m not reverting back to the “I’m an edgy misunderstood teenager” phase. Even though “edgy misunderstood teenager” is an aesthetic I still live for. Whatever that means.

And thanks for the tips on the laptop post. I’ll keep them in mind and I’ll probably ask again when the time comes and I actually buy a new one.

Ahh...I guess that’s it? Replies under the cut. As per usual, they’ll probably be the shorter part of this post, but oh well.

abysims  replied to your photoset  “Let’s find Lilith Vatore some love! In my game, I’ve had Lilith in a...”

Honestly Cassandra and Lilith would be amazing (... In my Glimmerbrook Academy story Cass is actually gonna have a huge crush on Lilith so I'm voting for that, yas!)

Ooooh that sounds great! Also, I’ll have a post announcing the results of the post coming up later, either today or tomorrow, but...spoiler alert: Cassandra might have won ;)

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “Simmer - Get to Know”

Lol this thing with Mermaids made me remember that when my friend and I were like 12 years old, a 6-year-old made her a "proposal" and we answered him that she'll marry him when he buys her a house by the sea in Prague

Omg sea in Prague sounds kinda cool, my faculty would be so close to the beach *-* Haha but at the same time it’s kinda terrifying, where would the sea come from? From the north? From the south? Would that mean my home doesn’t exist? Or, actually, considering my town was built on a big hill, would that mean I live on an island? And which part of Prague would be under the sea and which one would stay?

Sorry, I got distracted thinking of this AU where my country actually has access to the sea :D But we used to have it, back in like I think 12th or 13th century. We’re wayyyy smaller now.

amuhav replied to your post “Me, looking up some specs of my current laptop: you're...you're...”

If it's anything like me with my first 'gaming' laptop, the store clerk basically straight up lied to me about how good it was, and I was too young and naive to know better �� sims 3 almost burnt that thing to a crisp ������

Lmao I have a similar story with my first laptop, we were told that it has this super amazing graphic card...and it wasn’t amazing at all, as I later learned when my laptop broke.

amuhav replied to your photoset “Sims Moodboard Challenge I was tagged by @blurrypxls,...”

Oh no... don't make me want to go back to pinterest and do more of these �� They're ADDICTIVE

THEY ARE! I haven’t done much today, but I’ve spent a lot of time there all through this last week.

amuhav replied to your photo “I need to stop. This is more addictive than scrolling through memes....”

Pssst, not to enable or anything, but Picasa 3 has this nice feature where you can take a bunch of pics and it makes them into a nice collage. That's how I made mine, and then used them as my desktop backgrounds ��

I think I’ll use Photoshop, like I do for everything else, but thanks for giving me an idea for my new background! I used to have my sims or some other characters set as a background, but now that I take my laptop to school I feel a bit uncomfortable with that, so since October I’ve had this kinda boring background and I’ve been meaning to change it into something nicer, I just didn’t know what to put there. Now I do.

fataleromeo replied to your photoset “Sunset: “How dare you pretend you’re Father Winter?” Father Winter:...”

Holy crap, Sunset is a lot more buff than I ever realized. Those arms! ��

Yup. That’s because she has to get her Athletic skill higher for work. I think her muscle slider might be at max, actually!

fataleromeo replied to your photoset “Father Winter: “That’s it! You’re going on my Naughty List. Your...”

How could she not with with muscles like that?? Damn his Christmas magic!

Next time we should just call Caleb. I mean, he defeated Grim Reaper with no problem, surely Father Winter won’t be any more difficult for him!

fataleromeo replied to your photoset “Sunset: “Okay, cool. You won’t give us gifts but I have a special one...”

Lmaoooooo, get him, Sunset! ������

He deserves it

asplashofsims replied to your photo “~ daylight”

Cute picture! ♡ I hope you feel better soon and omgg winx club, it's my guilty pleasure for sure hahah all the childhood memories��

I love Winx Club so much. It’s a little ridiculous and the plot holes are terrible (and don’t let me talk about anything after season 4, those are not my Winx D:), but I can’t let it go.

blubrich replied to your post “I forgot how traumatizing Toy Story 3 was ��”

Especially the ending! ��

YES. I remember the whole cinema was crying.

Also, Toy Story always unpacks this weird guilt in me haha. Because as a child, naturally I was like “I would NEVER abandon my toys, I’ll keep them forever!”. And now...they’re in boxes...under my bed and in the basement...some of them I gave away or to my younger sister, who then also gave some away because she’s fifteen now. I still have my plushies and teddy bears in my bed though, it would be too empty without them :D

silverspringsimmer replied to your audio post “(via...”

I love Within Temptation and they got me into heavier music later, too!

I don’t even remember how I found them. I was just bored of the music I was listening to all the time back then, so I clicked through playlists and stuff on Spotify and somehow I landed on their page, I guess. And I immediately fell in love.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your audio post “(via...”

Oh this song was the first song of this bad which I heard! It was also 5-6 years ago.though I do not listen to them often these days.

I think the first song I heard was What Have You Done, which I liked and still like very much, but then I heard this one and went kinda crazy because it just sounded so epic and exactly what my poor slightly depressed fifteen years old soul needed. In one day, I completely switched from pop to metal and it took me a few years to appreciate my old favourite music again. (I know that I say all the time that I’m a Taylor Swift stan, but actually I only really started LOVING her music again last year.)

I’ve always thought that it’s kinda funny that in my Music class, for the first semester I prepared a project about Taylor Swift. In the second semester, that changed, the old pop loving Ronnie was dead, and my new project was about Within Temptation :D But I remember that I was actually upset that day, I chose to show my classmates the video of What About Us and they didn’t appreciate it. And then after me, my other classmate had a project about some singer who had this weird song about getting high. They wanted to replay it. I was so bitter, in my head I was like “this song that I showed you has an interesting meaningful message and you’d rather listen to a song about drugs, how dare you?! You’re absolutely terrible!”

Yeah. I mean, I get it today, but I was so, so bitter.

amuhav replied to your audio post “(via...”

I recently found out they had a new album out (and Nightwish had a new single out too ��) and early 2000s emo teenage me immediately surfaced and threw money at my screen!

Ahhhh I’ve basically had Noise on repeat since it came out, I love it so much! And the video is cool too. I can’t wait to hear the whole album. Nightwish never disappoints, I hope I’ll one day get to see them live. I’ve had a few chances but then it never worked out.

[erectionsandtea]

my tumblr usage has gotten even more sporadic lately and I haven’t worked on any of my fics in weeks, I apologize for both, and so here’s a list of things that have been happening recently that have made the past ONE month feel more like three:

met a new guy at work and befriended him (actually I officially met him a couple months ago, maybe…mid-Feb. or so, but officially befriended him within the past month)

exchanged numbers with and already started texting him, lol

both of us opening up to each other about really deep stuff super quick but not being the least bit bothered by it, so now we already know so much about each other

started developing what may-or-may-not-be a crush on that guy (thanks to a mutual friend/coworker - seriously, thank you)

had that possible crush be the trigger to end my codependent and toxic relationship

had the “possible” part taken out of “possible crush” and replaced with “definite”

hung out with that guy and the mutual friend/coworker outside of work, gotten shitfaced drunk and basically admitted to him that I like him through sheer obviousness

ditching the mutual friend and him and having a panic attack

finding out he likes me back :D

me trying to get the rebounding out of my system by messing around with the mutual friend/coworker so I hopefully don’t rebound with this guy I actually like

had things get way fucking complicated bc idk wtf is going on half the time bc labels ?? do we have them for us ???

had a few mini breakdowns, panic attacks, and two depressive episodes AND relapsing into self-harming

opened up to the guy about all of it

put up some.major walls and thrown everything I could at him to try to get him to leave so I wouldn’t get hurt

had him continue to refuse to “run away” as I keep telling him he will

continue to be friends with him since we both agree that neither of us is ready for a relationship yet (especially me) and we want to get to know each other better anyway

but been flirting like crazy

mutual friend/coworker already coming up with a ship name for us (but I won’t say it here, lol, ask if you wanna know ^^)

me being SO obvious at work that some coworkers have already found out that I like this guy

have him be referred to as my “boo” by another coworker

me being judged by some friends and a couple (other) coworkers

me trying to get some more rebound out of my system with the mutual friend/coworker again

me and the (really affectionate) mutual friend/coworker being really openly affectionate at work and realizing it’s the perfect cover so no one will know about me and the guy I actually like (except for those who already do know but now they are just confused)

me and the guy I like STILL texting practically non-stop every day since the 9th of this month (april)

my mood being a complete roller coaster of ups and downs

me stopping the rebounding with the mutual friend/coworker bc I just don’t want to do those things anymore with someone who isn’t this guy I really like

me going to the movie theater (where we both work) just to see him during his break because I was feeling down, and then hanging around for almost three hours just to talk to him and our mutual friend/coworker when there were no customers around, even though I didn’t even see a movie while I was there

finding more excuses to visit him at work (like giving the mutual friend/coworker a ride to work, just so I could see him for a few minutes (but usually more, LOL)

me realizing this guy has a lot of similarities in common with my ex, BUT he is also incredibly different from my ex in all the ways that matter most to me

also importantly, he and I share things in common too, it’s a good balance of differences and similarities

me realizing that when he looks at me (which he will just stop and do quite often), it is a look of genuine adoration and liking someone as a whole person, and it is a look of just wanting to get to know this person even better, through and through

me melting completely at that realization :3

continuing to hang out with him weekly while he gets me into game of thrones

him being the sweetest, most patient, understanding, and genuine guy I have ever met

me realizing I do not deserve him (in any aspect) in the least

him disputing that

us continuing to flirt like crazy

us still liking each other and still wanting a relationship in the future, but being friends for now (bc we just think it is a better idea for now)

me realizing that he makes me actually want to better myself and willing to work hard at it and try

us building up a strong friendship that we are sure will last us forever

talking about him almost non-stop for the entire month, lol

me being the actual happiest that I have been in a very, VERY long time (even despite the downs), and realizing that it is all worth it :)

[arctic-urpo]

Hiya hiya, it’s time for me to properly talk abt LRTN - because I’ve talked about it here and there but nothing clear and concise abt my situation and my plans to continue etc, and in general it’s been on my mind. This will be 99% just explanation of my past, uh, over half a year though because this has also affected my friendships with people outside of this too and just, idk, I don’t like saying I feel like I owe an explanation bc I rly don’t, people have been kind and understanding and I appreciate it.

But I want to explain so if you wanna know why I haven’t been writing or answering messages, you should probs find the answer under the cut!!! Warnings though that I’m gonna be talking abt rly personal stuff and some kinda heavy things too, so no need to feel pressured to read! This is meant for those who want answers and not as a plea for attention or anything ^^;

Anyways....

I feel like I should start with the fact that most people following me and LRTN probs know already, but I have struggled with mental illness for.... a long time, half my life in fact. It isn’t something I came here to talk about, but it is related to tons of abuse from multiple sources etc. So please keep an open mind reading!

Anyways so over half a year ago, in November 2017, first of all NaNo happened. I could balance that out with LRTN, at first, but then in the mid of the month I started this uh, work practice experience thing. My vocabulary in English fails me here but, basically, it was this government funded project to help young people get into working life/back to “”””normal life”””” so basically rehab work. It was in a flower shop, owned by my grandma’s friend.

The work experience itself was incredibly pleasant, I loved the job and I loved my boss and she was rly nice to me all the time. But it was time and energy-consuming. And another problem with the work was that - as most of u probs know, I’m a trans guy. But I’m not out to my grandma yet bc she’s very religious and my mom has been so worried for my safety so... Anyways, so I couldn’t obviously be out in the workplace either. And my grandma would visit daily and it was mentally really rough for me.

To also explain, I have bad agoraphobia to begin with. I’m deathly scared of public spaces, wide places, strange people, talking to people and 99% of the time I can’t even go outside alone. Which was what this work was trying to give me rehab for. And it helped, it really did! But my grandma.... made it so much more difficult to manage my mental health bc it was an extra stress factor constantly. She has a way of words to make me feel useless too so, I kept feeling inadequate constantly when she was there and like I was doing things wrong.

Anyways!! That’s for the work part! But also, in the beginning of me starting work there, my friend’s dog who I had taken care of a lot and who was a huge part of my life, passed away sadly. I started seeing nightmares every night and losing sleep rapidly. I used to sleep 8-10 hours each night, but back then I started sleeping 4-6 and that’s continued up to this day and it’s been.... completely exhausting me. I’ll probs talk abt that more in detail but. To continue to this situation:

So, all in all, there was way too many things going on at once that November-December. Add onto that the holiday season which had a lot of relatives - a lot of my grandma too - and it has always been a bad time of the year for me. I managed to hang on by spending time with friends - a friend came to visit me for almost two weeks and that helped me keep myself together.

But also, I was supposed to look for another place to work at through this whole time, because my grandma’s friend had promised to take me only for the Christmas season bc after that she just wouldn’t have work for me due to a quiet season. I did apply for a few places but.... I couldn’t bring myself to put myself completely to it bc of all the phone calls which scare me just as much as going outside.

Anyways, Christmas comes and goes, I’m still somehow hanging on, and then we go on a trip with my friends. It was an amazing trip, I had fun with them, most of them live in other cities so I don’t see them often so I loved seeing them....!!

And then I went back home. Back home into my messy apartment, where I realized I’m almost always alone. And I had a huge breakdown. I stopped eating properly for a while - I can’t exactly give proper dates after this bc it’s been kind of ongoing with various intensity after that..... I go through periods of not eating, I haven’t been able to start sleeping bc I find it so hard to go to sleep, I keep waking up from nightmares - nightmares of various subjects, not rly abt by friend’s dog even but just... all sorts of bad things. 

And I haven’t had the energy to talk to anyone, keep up any relationships. There’s only one group chat where I talk daily, the group of friends I went on a trip with who I’ve known for years now. And even to them, I don’t talk privately! It’s only the group chat! Other group chat I talk semi-actively in is the group of friends in my city, who I go to shop with etc but... Again it’s only semi-actively that I manage to talk there either.

As you may guess, I couldn’t find a new place to work in the beginning of the year. After the trip, I went through weeks without answering any phone calls - my therapist helped me call off the rehab work bc clearly it wasn’t the best option anymore. But that sparked all sorts of money problems that have plagued me since then, and let’s just say things haven’t been great on that front. 

Middle of all of this, I did figure out I had a huge fear of silence, so I need to constantly have videos, games, music, something running so that there is noise. I also need to have something to do to distract my thoughts even further or I’ll start to spiral into negativity.......

I do go through periods of creativity, but it only sparks on the drawing front. So to get on the topic of LRTN! I haven’t written anything proper since November. I’ve started a few background stories for DnD OCs and I can’t even finish those! I write maybe a page and I have to drop it bc I can’t stand the silence, having only me and music and no video or game or anything. (As for why I don’t watch vids while writing, I can’t concentrate on writing if I hear like, speech or smth similar. I can’t listen to rap either when writing bc it’s too distracting.)

But kind of with writing and esp with LRTN has been the problem that, the longer time goes on, the more daunting it feels to return to it!!! I’m already in the spot that I would need to reread LRTN to continue writing it (to remember all the plot things planned and the characterization etc) and!!! I do plan on doing that!!! But I can’t, I just can’t take the silence while I’m reading so I’ve kind of been putting it off and off. For way too long. I’m trying to figure out a way around this, but I DO MEAN TO RETURN TO LRTN!!! That is certain!! I do intend to finish it, I need to get the story out after planning it for so long!!!

But that’s kind of the status quo on the LRTN’s part, I want to continue and with each kind comment my heart just keeps breaking bc  I just want to write it so bad!!!! I want to continue!!!! But I’m just so stressed out from the loneliness and silence that I can’t bring myself to write!!! 

But yeah I’m not saying this seeking answers, this is my personal problem and no one needs to feel bad abt any of this or feeling like you’re pressuring me. All the comments are rather just so kind and inspiring that I feel like the luckiest guy from time to time. So thank you to everyone, the commenters and ALSO ESPECIALLY FRIENDS who have been so understanding and nice and been by my side even when I’ve locked myself up from everyone just to cry and weep over how much I suck....

Anyways to kind of give a status update on what this breakdown has even been abt and why it’s been making me distance myself, it’s bc I’ve been dealing with feelings of worthlessness, fearing abandonment and also just not having plain energy to answer and then feeling like it’s scary to answer after so long has passed without me saying anything. I feel like I’m constantly late.

Also, to current situation, my mental health has been on the rise, which is why I’m talking about this in the first place bc I have the energy to explain properly! On the... life front though, my life has been kind of a void of me waking up, playing mobile games, not eating much, not sleeping much, and kind of being just a messy waste of space. My apartment is a mess, my financial situation is even more of a mess still bc the depression is making me waste any extra money on stupid stuff and then me sacrificing food and such to save money for rent etc. I was also declared “unfit to work” by the government on another paper but “fit to work” on another so now I’m kind of in the space where I’m not actually capable of working fulltime by my health but also being forced to work bc I don’t have the ~right diagnosis’~ to not work.....

SO!! It’s been kind of a whirlpool of stress!!! Anyways idk how to end this huge rant, thank you if you read all of this and I hope this shed some light on the situation????

If u ever wanna reach out to me, I still don’t answer private messages well but you’re free to try and I’ll try to answer to my best abilities, but I feel like asks are the easiest way to reach out to me right now bc those I do get to eventually bc they don’t feel as personal and so scary for my socially anxious mind, idk!!! But thank u for reading, for understanding and for caring abt dumb old me!!!!

[wannawrite]

sweet crazy love [ pt.1 ]

who?: Wanna One’s Ong Seongwoo genre: 🌸🌺 type: bullet point - bc fic would be too long so I broke this into smaller parts  TW: blood, biting, fights, mention of PTSD, depression and psychiatry, supernatural experimentation - poison 

blog navigator. part one / two 

part two

vamp! AU

experiments don’t always work out.... and when they don’t, they go to the psychiatrist 

that sounds dark already ^ it gets better, I promise! please do not read if this is triggering!!! thank you for requesting this anon, aha you asked twice/two anons, so cute sorry I’m never on here anymore :( this week was rough and next week, I have tests all week until CNY.

- Admin L 

disclaimer: pictures used do not belong to me and credit goes to their original owners. 

everything written here is purely fictional. 

you never found out why there was always this boy who would glare at you with the most menacing eyes from across the hall 

 behind his locker in the hallway 

in the cafeteria  

across the hall when your paths crossed

from his seat in a classroom, you were merely walking by 

his eyes held such fire and flames it seemed like they were going to roast you alive 

sadly, you never got a name or a reason 

all you knew was how his face looked like and he was downright gorgeous 

even when he looked like he had -4 hours of sleep every day without fail, with those purple and bruised eye bags forming under his inky black orbs 

he always seemed to be thirsty, running his tongue over plump lips, a finger toying with his bottom lip, yearning for a drink 

but you never knew what 

honestly, it did bug you from time to time since he kept glaring but never confronted you on anything 

besides, whenever you moved to talk to him, he would only vanish into thin air, as if he was never there in the first place 

however, he would be seen drinking chocolate milk with his best friends a while later 

you just figured you probably punched his nose in kindergarten, never apologised, he never forgave you and that’s why he held such a huge grudge against you 

he also tried to avoid you at all costs, at least it was good that there were no joint classes 

how childish, you often thought. It’s high school, he should grow up a little 

if he is mad at me, shouldn’t he at least try to talk it out instead of just glaring at me all the time? I can’t exactly read his damn mind 

well,,, he could 

the years wore on like that, as in, you ignoring his icy stares and trying not to be bothered by them. Seongwoo continued to slink in the shadows, keeping a low profile 

in fact, he became a prominent factor in your life. Your friends even nicknamed him. 

you wondered how this mysterious brooding bad boy constantly hung out with Hwang Minhyun, the school’s beloved prince 

in fact, that guy was the only best friend Minhyun seemed to have from high school 

you rarely saw that guy at school functions, maybe once or twice at the homecoming game but never at dances or anniversaries. You figured he wasn’t one for those 

Senior year changed a couple of things...

you had a study period in the study hall with him. Curiosity piqued in you

but contrary to your expectations, the mystery boy seemed to dwell in darker ends of the study hall, plugging into his own music and diligently taking his own notes in black ink 

he paid no attention to the world around him, absorbed in his textbooks 

you started to realise as the days passed, he seemed more beat up than the previous day 

physically 

the bruises framing his eyes darker and he seemed exhausted of all energy. 

He wore long-sleeved sweaters, you wondered what he was hiding 

your classmate seemed more quiet, sticking only to himself, he seemed more wary of others 

however, that only lasted for a week before he returned to his usual self, chatting with his friends and sipping more strange looking juice boxes that didn’t resemble his typical chocolate milk

but who were you to judge? And since when did you ever pay so much attention to detail? 

were you intrigued by him? 

you shuddered and spun away, forcing yourself to tune in to other, more relevant things 

finally, graduation rolled around the corner

Ong Seongwoo 

you caught his name from the roll call don’t judge

he was just too SECRETIVE otherwise 

even with his name, there wasn’t much you deduced from the school gossip realm 

he just drank peculiar coloured juices to ‘keep his skin youthful and preserve his clear skin’ 

Seongwoo N E V E R left the safety of a building into the sun without slathering on an unholy amount of specialised sunscreen 

if he had PE that day, he would bring two different types of nutritional juice and only shares his f&b with Minhyun 

no one dared to get close to him 

or rather, he was just too problematic to get close to 

it appeared he only appreciated his friends he had known since diaper days and that everyone else had to go through a selection to enter his circle 

okay so graduation 

it’s one of the most exciting days in your life and you couldn’t be gladder to graduate with a 4.0GPA 

also, you’re determined to fix things with Seongwoo on the very last day of school, might as well right? 

right after the valedictorian’s - minhyun - speech, you scan the hall to find Seongwoo as the closing speech is given by your principal 

he’s there in his seat 

the speech ends, you’re out of your chair, moving through the crowd of students throwing caps to where he was seated 

but he isn’t there,,, not anymore at least 

the girl beside him said he just took off, along with Minhyun 

before you can register what happened, your feet take your along a corridor, maybe down a couple of flights of stairs 

right to the old lacrosse locker room which was under construction works 

why the hell would you walk here? you don’t even know where it is by memory 

perhaps because you could hear two roaring voices, one calm and collected while the other panicked and raging 

‘calm down, you need to get your shit together Seongwoo. Breathe!’ Minhyun instructs, a growl in his tone 

pressing an ear against the door, all you hear are strangled cries from Seongwoo 

you wonder if you should call the police 

‘CONTROL YOURSELF SEONGWOO!’ 

yup, that doesn’t sound shady at all

‘the side effects have been getting worse....’ you hear Minhyun mutter to himself, a rustle of plastic or paper following suit 

the shower runs, someone seems to be spamming the knobs. All grows quiet.

you don’t even realise you’re holding your breath until you release it

 now 

you burst into the room, ignoring the red warning tape, ripping it away to fall at your feet. Your phone was already ringing, the police on the other side 

The room was empty, despite all the yelling you heard, making your heart complete somersaults as realisation sets in 

were you imagining things? 

hammers knock nails into your head as you try to comprehend whatever had happened 

there’s nowhere to hide, yet no other door to escape out of, you can’t believe two of your batch mates have just vanished into thin air 

choking out a chuckle of disbelief, shaking fingers turn the call off, one hand covers your mouth as you slowly back away from the two graduation gowns and caps were strewn on the floor, blood staining both of them 

well...no one knows exactly what happened that day because when the cleaner discovered it, it was too late to identify anyone by then 

only you knew the real answers 

but honestly, time wore on and you became much busier in college, whatever happened to your batch mates wasn’t your concern anymore 

you just couldn’t afford any time to care or ponder about it 

yes, you wondered and dreamed about the possibilities but most of your time was spent studying hard, medicine majors can’t afford sleep 

all you wanted to work as since you were little was a psychiatrist especially since your father was a scientist, specialising in biological sciences 

you wanted to follow in his footsteps and join the scientist life 

your father often joked that you and him would be the greatest scientists in the world someday, him as a biologist and you as a psychiatrist 

and that was your real motivation, you genuinely wanted to achieve that seemingly far-fetched dream 

your parents were supportive, your professor sort of favoured you, your college was Ivy League...what else could you want? 

life was perfect 

until one day...a Friday morning, which meant morning coffee and cake run with your roommates

that day, it also meant encountering people you never once thought you would see again 

Hwang Minhyun and Ong Seongwoo 

they clearly didn’t resemble the pesky 18-year-olds you remembered but they looked like elegant, poised and well-refined college upperclassmen

certainly, they dressed the part 

Minhyun was wearing a sleek black turtleneck sweater paired with camel coloured slacks, draped over his chair was a classy caramel and tartan blend of a Burberry trench 

his coffee was Americano, his shoes embossed with the Louboutin stamp and a pair of thin circular framed spectacles rested on the bridge of his nose 

wow

is that really Hwang Minhyun? 

you kinda saw his style coming anyway lol 

but then, is that Ong Seongwoo sitting across from him? 

Seongwoo had changed 

okay he still kept his bad boy, had -2 hours of sleep for 3 decades look but there was a different aura around him now 

he looked...dare you say it, attractively stylish 

his dark hair was swept into boyish bangs, just passing his eyebrows, it looked thick and silky. 

Seongwoo wore an oversized grey flannel which he tucked into dark wash skinny jeans with rips at the knees.

To finish the look, he wore a pair of polished white sneakers 

yes, I’m talking about the look from ‘Beautiful’ photos mhm

in his grip, was a familiar packet; he still drank the same juice since high school 

some things just don’t change  

cute 

WAIT NO NOT CUTE REMEMBER HE’S THE BOY WHO HATED YOUR GUTS AND YOU STILL DON’T KNOW WHY

AND HE ALSO MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED THROUGH THE RENOVATING LOCKER ROOM ON GRADUATION DAY 

SHADY 

QUICK LOOK AWAY BEFORE HE SEES YOU

hastily, you place your order and join your friends at the table, trying to blend yourself in with the bubbling chatter, a distraction from the two people seated by the window 

...awkward...

mhm but you had really exciting news to break to your friends 

‘you’re awfully quiet today,’ your best friend pointed out. ‘Are you hiding something?’ 

yes 

‘nah...I just have news to break to you guys,’ you said, trying to seem nonchalant 

but it is true that you have amazing news to break!!! 

‘tell us!’ your friends chorus excitedly, eager to find out 

on the opposite side of the cafe, both Minhyun and Seongwoo have taken notice of your presence 

Minhyun chuckles. ‘Remember when we were 118, our graduation? You freaking out and succumbing to the side effects? Good times.’ 

‘good times my ass, I lost my graduation gown and cap!’ Seongwoo whines. ‘My mum was making a collection of all our graduation gowns. I think she’s still holding a grudge at me.’ 

Minhyun cleared his throat and lowered his voice. ‘Your family still doesn’t know about...it...right?’ 

Seongwoo shakes his head and his friend sighs. 

‘you know how much I hate it! Why can’t you just go to the authorities about this! It’s putting your life in danger and I hate seeing you hurt all the time!’ Minhyun sighs. He pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a long sip of his coffee

Seongwoo wrinkled his nose. ‘You know what will happen if I don’t show up for even one session. It’s happened before.’ 

Seongwoo finds himself tuning into your conversation instead of engaging with his friend 

okay let’s be honest, he’s never really liked you 

‘you need real help, Seongwoo. You really think drinking all these plasma juice boxes are going to make a difference? Are all these helping you one bit?’ 

‘I can’t take blood bags because of the injections you know it,’ Seongwoo retorted. He was only half-heartedly paying attention to his friend and he was straining his supernatural hearing to listen to your conversation 

‘Exactly! Stop the process, take real blood so your body can survive and I’ll get help from a psychiatrist. Seongwoo, this can make everything better.’ 

‘I’m going to be an interning at Dr. Im’s clinic!’ you announced happily, gaining gasps and congratulations from your friends. 

huh...good for them. Looks like they’re following their father’s footsteps into science and medicine. Notable. 

he gave you a side glance, noticing how much more good-looking you had become 

hmm 

Seongwoo felt colour slowing draining from his face. He quickly stabbed a straw into yet another plasma juice box 

was he angry? was he disappointed? was he glad? he didn’t know either

perhaps just slightly stupefied, stunned......

he never imagined Doctor’s so-called ‘work’ would continue, would ever become anything 

a pair of fangs began to protrude, his temper began to flare 

what? how many more of us are they going to take? no, I must stop them

‘Seongwoo helloooooo’ 

I have to protect my family at all costs 

‘SEONGWOO!’

the impact of Minhyun’s fist on the table made Seongwoo snap out of his angry thoughts. It also caused time to freeze as curious customers peered round to have a glance 

the table now had a small crack forming in its wood 

blushing, Minhyun briefly apologised, downed the remainder of his coffee in a shot before grabbing Seongwoo’s arm and dragging him out 

what a scene, you thought

 deep down you wondered when you would see them next 

probably on campus somewhere,,, but with your new internship and all, you would be increasingly busy 

there just wasn’t time to think about those kinds of irrelevant subjects

there was no time to waste on thoughts of Ong Seongwoo 

crazy 

I’m going crazy right now 

week two of the internship was definitely not treating you the best 

sorry, this part may not be so accurate 

 all you did for week one was sit at the reception, drop by the lab a couple of times, restock medication and occasionally, bring coffee in for Dr Im

honestly, you wanted to see patients or watch a session but those were all private and personal 

it was just you and the medicines for a bit :\ 

suddenly, Dr Im marches into the supply closet, court shoes, sparkling white coat and all. She smiles, handing you a clipboard and a form

‘There’s a new client today coming for consultation. I spoke to him and surprisingly, he agreed to let my dear trainee sit in. As long as you sign this protection of personal data form, you’re welcome to join this time,’ she explains 

OH MY GOSH 

what you’ve always wanted :”) 

WHY ISN’T IT 8PM YET 

why did he have to book the latest time slot what the hell there wasn’t anyone in the 5.30pm one how dare you make me wait 12 hours 

but you get yourself a coffee and tell yourself to suck it up 

at precisely 8pm, two well-dressed and tall men walk into the posh and pristine office 

you don’t realise who it is until you emerge from the medicine storage room just in time to see one of the guys remove his black mask

Ong Seongwoo 

>:(

luckily, he doesn’t seem to notice you yet. He and - supposedly - Minhyun turn in the direction of the waiting area 

they look out of place in their dark coats and masks. It’s a stark contrast from the white and grey interior, maybe a vase of pinky-white lilies sitting on a counter 

or a few paintings of scenery in sand coloured frames 

someone like Ong Seongwoo doesn’t belong here 

you wonder what problems he could even face.....

the second Seongwoo stepped into the room and sensed your presence, he wanted to turn around and storm right out 

getting help was Minhyun’s idea and when he said he knew of a psychiatrist that was fine with the supernatural, he placed his life in Minhyun’s hands 

clearly, it was the wrong choice

but he had to keep cool and wait for his best friend’s real intentions to be made clear 

his best friend was sacrificing him to Doctor, he had no doubt about that right now 

you were Doctor’s child and also training in the field of science and medicine

...Minhyun had a lot of explaining to do later on 

the shock was written all over Seongwoo’s face when you sat next to Dr Im during the consult, taking notes and all 

so, the intern was you 

throughout the session, you genuinely wondered why Seongwoo would be here 

there was a section that you were asked to step out for a second and your best guess that it was an extremely sensitive matter 

somehow,,, you wanted to help Seongwoo 

isn’t that why you were a doctor anyway? 

even if he despised you, you wanted to help him so badly 

he left unscathed, that was astonishing to him too

when interrogated, Minhyun seemed to have 0 knowledge of your existence and that you were related to Doctor 

‘I-I’m so s-sorry. I really had no clue,’ he choked out, holding back a sob 

Seongwoo brushed it off, believing and forgiving his best friend 

‘how are things with Jaehwan? More roommate trouble?’ 

‘ugh, don’t remind me. He keeps teasing me about my crush on our neighbour.’ 

laughter resounded on the drive back to their dorms 

all was back to normal 

but both your lives wouldn’t be 

Doctor: 1.45am. Usual place. Don’t be late 

‘Dr Im, if you don’t mind me asking, what was your diagnosis?’ you questioned carefully, afraid of setting off an explosion of fuming fireworks

Dr Im sighed, she pressed her hand to her forehead. ‘He’s a difficult one if I’m honest. However, my brain is telling me it’s PTSD or depression, worse case scenario and it could be both.’ 

I’m not an expert on both even though I did research so I’m sorry if there are any inaccuracies, I tried to exclude it for the majority of the work

you kept silent, the information unable to fully sink into your mind.

Ong Seongwoo? PTSD? Depression? 

was it related to whatever happened at graduation? Was he struggling then? Is he losing hope now? 

 he was never my friend, your mind indicates, why am I so worried? Why am I freaking out over this? He’s hated me all this while, yet I’m so concerned

I’m becoming a lunatic 

‘Dr Im,’ you call out meekly 

‘hmm?’ She hums in response, still scribbling words down on her writing pad 

you swallow hard, throat closing at the thought of saying your next words

‘you’ll do your best to help him right? Seongwoo would be okay? Would he?’ 

her pen pauses for a prolonged period as if that question required an extensive amount of consideration to answer 

Dr Im nibbles on her bottom lip, nervously, you note 

‘yes. Seongwoo will be just fine.’ 

Doctor: No blood, just plasma. 

......to be continued

[honey-baes]

ALL THE EMOJI ASKS PLS RACHEL

I DONT THINK U REALIZE HOW MANY THERE BLOODY IS THIS TOOK ME SO LONG AHGSJHAGSJHAGSJ

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be? @occultlike she looks like she’d be soft n squishy n im here for that

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why? litwick!!! idk its just so pretty!!!! i also love darkrai n jirachi cus those were two of my fave pokemon movies as a kid!!!

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like? p fucking gay ig uhh there would be flowers every fucking wear for sure

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had? i dont dream much?? the last dream i had all i remember is like,,, somebody ik dying?? idk

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend? idr have a best friend BUT i love all my friends for being the most TALENTED N CREATIVE people ever im. gushing

😘 talk about your crush or partner - dude i have a new crush every week but uhh but i kinda have a thing for my friend ajhdahdha

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back? def not!!!!! i hate confrontation n i usually just stay silent (although that never fuckin works n i really need to stand up for myslef ahdgahd) tho if its playful ill def be a bitch

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!) I’ve gotten through so much n im still here!!!!!! // i try to be kind to the people around me // 

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it? uhh this is dumb but really myself??? like, my paranoia is really shit n it makes me scared of alot of shit im fully aware isn’t a threat or anything 

🎁 what never fails to make you happy? flowers!!!!!!!!!!!!

💙 what annoys you about some people? people who are rude for no reason!!!!! it just annoys me when people say something in a rude tone for literally no reason yknow

😤 do you get angry easily? uhh yes unfortunately!!!! i have alot of pent up anger ahdhaajsdhasd

🐇 what do you always daydream about? alot of things!!! i’ll often daydream about mundane stuff like what i’m gonna draw later n that

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change? 

✈️ what is your dream city and why? hmm vancouver looks pretty cool!!!!!! idk im a lil bit sheltered n a lil bit bad at georgraphy

☕️ talk about your ideal day - i’d wake up n make some green tea and honey and then do some painting in my room, n have pasta for dinner!!!! i love pasta jadhajsdja

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert? introvert definitely!!! i love my friends but being around people, especially outside is really draining hh

💧 when was the last time you cried? uhh yesterday hjdgasd i cry p much every day HhhhH

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment - wetsuit // a lack of colour // drop pop candy // talk too much // if you’re over me

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why? i’ve always thought itd be awesome to be able to read peoples mind!!!! ig i really just want to know what people think of me?? ahdhags

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say? please for the love of god don’t eat that much icing at once it won’t end well

💚 who are you jealous of and why? idrk um i’m naturally kinda jealous of loads of artists??? just cus i think my arts been p bad recently n im really envious of others art hhh 

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why? kindness!!! i’m none of those things except for kind so i might aswell go that route yknow ahdhadgaj

🙊 what are you ashamed of? dude alot of things honestly most things i do adjhadhass 

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn? i know english and welsh!!!!! i don’t think i’d be able to learn another language tbh hh

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be? hmm i love tomoyo daidouji n i’d love to be her friend!!!!! (she’s from cardcaptor sakura!!!)

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today? i’m in the proccess of drawing something for someone!!!! n fufilling reqs!!!!

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why? a siren bcs theyre pretty and murderous n i like that

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike - ash she’s a real dumbass yknow

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately - everything tbh hh ive been going thru a rlly shit rough patch atm but!!! im still here so 

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now? i wanted to be a artist, n i didnt for a couple years but i do again!!!!

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods? chocolatechocolatechocolate 

🍑 what are you obsessed with? currently bnha n kiribaku!!!!!!!! n uhh kamideku/tododeku/kamisero/ashido and happiness

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed? i uhh cry hh

😪 what are you sick of? it being so hot!!!!!! gahh

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker? nO

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person? i’m definitely trying!!!!!! i don’t know if i really am yet though ahah

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies? painting!!!! video games!!!! i love doing sumi-e/oil/watercolour/digital painting n i love nintendo games!!

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself? i sang Hot n Cold ahddgahdajadh

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it? me being a bit of a pushover hadahdsjjah im trying to stand up for myself but it usually just ends up in more grief HHH

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored? eyes!!!!!! i draw eyes all over my school books, and bloody hands!! // i like doodling blood hh

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams? i’m like uhhh 2 years old ig

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you? i havent,,, done that hhh

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why? off the top of my head i love jenna coleman cus uhhh shes a pretty lady

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person? o fuck yeah

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them. alices adventures in wonderland // ‘she generally gave herself very good advice, although she very seldom followed it’ | through the looking glass and what alice found there // ‘Thy loving smile will surely hail the love-gift of a fairy tale.” | the lion, the witch and the wardrobe // ‘She did not shut it properly because she knew that it is very silly to shut oneself into a wardrobe, even if it is not a magic one.’ 

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help? i listen to music!!!! 

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad? def my friends!!! i don’t acc like talking about things that are bothering me but i know they’d all be willing to listen and care about what i say n that makes me happy ahhh

🌍 which country do you live in? wales!!!!

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words - salty, tired, TIRED

💭 do you keep a diary? i have tried but alas i cant keep up w that shit

💫 who inspires you? so many people!!!! my science teacher is p cool n i wanna be like him!!

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why? idk but uhh i like buzzfeed unsolved so

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like? black, hoodies n sweaters n LEGGINGS

🎬 what are some of your favourite films? the captain america movies!!!!

[sundrenched-smilez]

odd numbers for the lesbian asks! (if it's too many just do every 4th one maybe?)

1. Femme or butch? 

for type, im vry easily wooed by butches tbh

as for myself, im genderfluid + heavily lean towards butch-ish for one gender + have been gettin more comf w that term for myself. the 3 genders i switch between, ive described as sharp, dainty and tired, for reason of not really being comf w gender labels aside from nonbinary. sharp/tired r kinda butchish, moreso sharp. like leather jackets, ripped jeans, dress pants/shirts, defs flannels (which r a given for any mood im in tbh) while tired is like mb softer, more focused on flannels + loose tank tops/shirts, shorts + certain skirts, comfy clothes, and the like   

ive found that i’m leaning more towards butch lately too, like i’ve been a lot more comfortable with pants and a nice top than i have w dresses or most skirts + im wondering if i was just hanging on to femininity for sake of society, so those r things 2 think abt. i still feel comf in them sometimes, but it’s getting much less often. gender’s weird, i still cant cling to one bc of how pressuring that is so genderfluidity is still smth for me + it shifting to different percentages is okay (im thinking out loud @ this point, but its helping so i hope its interesting to read)

3. Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

both, but primarily flannels/plaid buttion-ups

5. Describe your aesthetic

aaahh theres a lot of diff aesthetics i could go into, but i have a tag if ur interested in a visual representation? basically, cosy homes, forests, wooden steps and bridges, cats, girls/nbs, water, plants, and old video game stuff, and clouds/skies. i’m sure there’s more in there, but for a good rule of thumb !! as for like dressing aesthetic, i like to look rly gay + attractive and a lil showy? like my shorts r Short and i love crop tops + a lot of my shirts show my bra thru them, + i like showing it when i can, like sports bra + a tank top is a fav look of mine bc i can make it look like my bra is a trim on the shirt + it’s cute. i’ve been wearing dresses less often, but occasionally, i like to rock one. id love a pair of combat boots but i have like size 11/12 feet + most stores dont carry that size + im hesitant to buy some online. 

7. Favorite pair of shoes?

its rly hard to find any, i have like walmart converse knockoffs atm + theyre a beige/grey color im not that huge on, it kinda reminds me of sandalwood but depressed

9. Any haircut goals for the future? 

there was the undercut!! and i have that down now c: next step is to dye it blue and mb some purple. i wanna bleach it if i’m gonna dye it, but im hesitant to do that bc of how damaging it is, but since my hair’s been cut a cpl time almost all the color is out now, so i think itll b ok if i take good care of it. 

11. Describe the worst date you’ve been on

i went to a cafe w someone (i think they were nb but i cant remember, it was like 2 yrs ago about ) and they were impossible to talk to bc they just kept saying “im awkward sorry” @ everything and like any conversations i tried to maintain were all one-shot responses, and like that was a lil frustrating. like i dont hold it against them or anything, more in a sense of i was rly tryin 2 carry it and just couldnt 

13. If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

whooh i wish i was taken, i need affection + to b cute w someone 

15. Describe your dream wedding

hmmmm i havent thought much about it !! i know when i was younger i wanted to wear a black wedding dress but now im thinkin mb a suit that switches to dress @ the bottom?? that could b cool. I’d be happy w anything tbh, if im getting married, i’d just b happy to be w my wife/spouse. mb somewhere in a forest or on a boat would b cool, defs lots of good food and colorful flowers. I’d like a lot of color, most weddings ive been to are just b/w and bland for my taste (they’ve also all been straight tho so theres that.) it’s kind of wild to think that i might b married someday, but it’d b rly nice. i just haven’t thought much abt the planning of one. it’d b rly gay tho, probs give out tiny gay flags at each seat, and the cake could b lesbian flag colors. im rly drawing a blank on this, but i know id want all my friends around the country + world to be there. 

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

i definitely want to live in a port town at some point !! idk where i’d like to settle down, ideally somewhere that doesnt get much hotter than 90 degrees + has lots of parks + is big enough for some events, like pride stuff, little festivals, a farmer’s market, and places to do things, such as a movie theater, bowling alley, mb an aquarium, if not one in a nearby town. hiking trails r also good. 

19. Favorite lesbian novel/story?

on a sunbeam!!! its a huge inspiration for me, and i love it so much. it always puts me in such a good mindset when i read it, and the artist is my age, so it makes me feel like I can also accomplish great things if i rly put my heart into it!! which is such a good feeling, and it has great representation + characters that i love, and its rly gay, and in space and theres ships shaped like fish + its gorgeous : D i could go on for hrs abt it + how important it is to me. theres an nb character too, and like the aspect of found families is one that rly hits home and it helped me get thru a rough time of my life + better accept myself as queer/gay. 

21. Favorite lesbian musician?

adult mom (tho i think they’re bi but still gay), or hayley kiyoko

23. Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i think so, but i can’t place when, it’s been a bit. 

25. Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

talking abt being gay w other girls/nbs is lovely and cathartic, i never got to growing up bc i lived in a homophobic town + i was like dealing heavily with internalized homophobia and body/gender dysphoria so i was ace for a bit. talking more abt like sexual attraction + aesthetic attraction is new to me, and that’s been a process to get to, but it’s nice that I can now do so w/o being belittled or barraged by insult. i also just love the thought of being w someone, and daydreaming abt when that happens is really nice. also,, girls + nbs r a blessing and brighten my day and im so glad im attracted 2 them 

27. Turn ons?

absolutely communication, that’s a need. i had a bad experience w someone bc she wasn’t communicative at all, and failed to tell me that we weren’t dating despite us going on several dates + kissing??? like i wont go too into it, but hatchi matchi it was a mess. so yeah, communication, affection, and like reassurance that they actually want to be with me, and that my presence is wanted and enjoyed. I got a lot of “i dont care”s for answers last sort-of relationship, and that was rly discouraging. another turn on is for them to initiate talking and things, like holding hands or planning to hang out + such. consent is another big one. 

29. Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

i usually tend to ask them out, but im still dealing w internalized junk, so its difficult. i also havent any situations in which they liked me back, which is frustrating. like i got lead on earlier summer for abt a month until i asked what we were doing + didnt rly get an answer, and it was this whole mess. i generally try to make the first move tho, bc i know firsthand how difficult it is, but that being said, it’s still hard for me to know for sure if theyre interested + i dont wanna make things uncomf w them, so i’ll wait until i think there might b attraction. that being said, once that’s all out of the way, i like to consider myself a good flirt when im trying. 

31. Talk about your interests or hobbies!

i have lots of interests!! im obsessed w steven universe, its my fav show (and if u ever have time, we should totally watch it together sometime, i rly think you’d love it, it’s super gay + heartwarming.) i really love playing music and learning new songs, which im rly great at memorizing. talking to friends + gettin 2 know them better is always nice and fun. i like to draw new things + see the different ways ppl draw, so seeing art on here is always fun for me. i’m also rly into polygon videos (it’s a youtube channel, not like videos abt polygon haha) and this podcast called the adventure zone. season one just ended, so i might start listening to another one called friends at the table. i rly wanna start a podcast w someone, but can never find anyone to start it with. idk what I’d talk abt but if i could find a partner for it, i think it’d be a lot of fun. mb smth abt games or books/queer representation in media. doing a dnd podcast would also b rly fun, but a lot of work + editing so mb later down the road !! im blanking on other interests atm, but animations and cartoons r lovely and i aim to make something in that field one day, if not just a comic.

my hobbies r mostlyyyy drawing, dnd things now every thursday, hanging w my friends, playing video games, sometimes writing (i rly wanna start a comic, and im tryin to get my butt into gear on it), goin to parks, listening to music, and goin 2 events w roe + cesar, two of my friends. sometimes ill play music!! i need to get more than the keyboard i’m lending, but i love performing. ill also watch leg birds on youtube, theyre a lesbian couple that plays gams + theyre rly sweet. 

33. Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

its easy for me to love friends, doesnt usu take me more than a few months of knowing them if were talking a lot. as for falling in love, that takes me a lot longer. ive never rly been in love w someone. i thought i was once, but rly it was just my first gay experience w someone and i wanted it to be perfect so i projected a lot of things + made it better than it seemed to myself for the duration of it, which wasn’t healthy, so i wanna avoid doing that again, + take things slower next time. or at least for what they are. 

35. Ever fallen for a straight girl?

a few times, they were just crushes tho, so it wasnt too too bad

37. Favorite comfort food?

hot cocoa or tea. as for food food, i dont think i have one. mb french toast or cinnamon rolls. 

39. Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

i used to be a vegetarian!! for like a yr, but it was difficult for me to eat and feel full, and i was pretty underweight, so i stopped. 

41. Early-riser or night-owl?

both, i tend to stay up, but getting up early can be nice if i dont have to do anything. like just gently waking + making some tea and a nice breakfast + sittin around for a bit. 

43. What is your Myers-Briggs type?

enfp-a 

45. At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

i think like 16-17? it took me a bit to get words for identity, like lesbian/nonbinary and the like, but i always knew, like id call myself an individual as opposed to gendered terms that i was referred to, and always felt rly yucky w deadname + the wrong pronouns

47. Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

ive got one crush atm !! and another person who seems nice, but i wanna hang out w before like thinking abt a crush (im poly, which perhaps goes w/o saying, but i always like to state it when talking abt these things, jic )

49. Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

i’d like a partner or two, to get some bongos- i got to play some a couple weeks ago, and it was the most fun i’ve had playing anything!! having smth with an instant response that i could make up rhythms with was really rewarding and so much fun. i know i want a cat at some point, to go on cute dates + cuddle and kiss a lot w someone, to visit my friends in other places, dye my hair, get a better job, to travel a bit, make a comic, go to college for animation and storyboarding, mb go to camp at some point, and I’d like to make some more friends here, i’m already making some, which i’m super happy about, but it’s always nice meeting new ppl 

thank u for asking!! this was relaxing + fun, and a lot of the topics were cathartic to talk about, and i needed it. so thanks for listening too kinda

also im queen of commas, i’ve discovered while typing this