#i wanted to have both posts ready to go at the same time but uhhhh

[braintapes]

The Hotel Podcast Season 3 Analysis: Part III - The Owner

Hey. It's been a while. I was going to open this with a cheeky joke, some kind of 'bet you thought I forgot about this thing haha!' type line. But I think I wanna just get straight into it..

When I write these analysis posts, whether it's for The Hotel or anything else, it's a personal thing. I write about the stories and art that I love in an attempt to understand and make meaning of them for me. And I share them largely because if I don't, those thoughts plus all the time and effort it took to organize them into words and sentences would be forgotten and left to rot fifteen minutes after exiting the word doc.

When I started this whole S3 series of posts, I wasn't expecting any response. I expected the people who followed me to glance at it, scroll past it, and life would carry on. It's easier that way, to write and share without watching eyes. Watching eyes means potential to fail, somehow. Potential to get it all horribly wrong in front of other people. That's the main reason why this took so long to come back to.

Other lesser reasons include inconveniences like my enter key breaking completely. That left the prospect of ANY long-form writing headache-inducing (though I've since adjusted to my workarounds). I kept forgetting and remembering this entire project. Etc etc, I won't drag this out.

I am finally, FINALLY ready to sit down to write this all out again. I love season 3 of The Hotel. It means a lot to me in a very personal way because it was the season that made the entire series click for me. So if I get everything wrong, or some things wrong, or fail or come up short, well. That's fine. I can fail other people, but I can't fail myself on this one.

In Part I of this series, we covered the Manager's arc stretching from 3.1 - 3.4. Part II covered the Lobby Boy from 3.5 to 3.7. Now the only Staff left is the Owner.

The Owner is a character I struggle to connect with, I have to be honest. I enjoy him greatly as a character and Graham's performance elevates and gives the Owner such a unique and entertaining presence. But as a person, the Owner reminds me of the people in my life I've been scared of, the kind of people I want to run away from very quickly. It can be hard for me to get past that bubble of anxiety that comes up briefly when I think of him.

Having mulled it over, though, I realized there are things I share with the Owner that I can relate to and understand about him. The perfectionism that stalled this project for 7 months is a voice that says, "It won't be up to standard, it needs to be better, it needs to be right." It plays constantly on loop. Why? If it's good enough it will matter, if it's perfect as can be it will carry significance. The significance, the voice insists, justifies the work's existence.

The Owner's plight through much of The Hotel is, similarly, to justify his own existence. It's a constant tension core to his character which expresses itself by largely by being projected onto everyone else (the way he hounds the lobby boy, attempts to nitpick the manager in s1). At the end of the day, though, all of that bluster is only to prop himself up and assure himself that he is, in fact, definitely doing something that matters, that his place is real and valid. That he's not insignificant.

In this season, the Owner is technically introduced in the very beginning, right alongside the Manager. His echoing yells can be heard as the Manager treks through the dark forest towards the mountain to the place where the Hotel will be. The Owner is already dying, though. He wasn't really there alongside her. We hear his shouts sporadically across the season, but we don't get much more of him until 3.8 A V O I D. Since I've been doing this analysis on an episode-by-episode basis, that's where I want to start.

We open, nearing the metaphorical mountaintop, with the Lobby Boy's death on the third floor. The Owner is thrilled. We get one of my favorite exchanges in the whole series as per the episode transcript:

LOBBY BOY (CONT'D): I panic. I'm scared! I'm so scared! Why did my Manager let this happen to me? Why is the Hotel doing this to me? What's that moving against the light??...What will it do to me?....What CAN it do to me? The worst it can do is kill me. Again. And Again. Forever. WHY CAN'T I DIE? (echo) [power that be noises] LOBBY BOY (CONT'D): No no no no no no no no no no please please no no please no no please please please no no no please Wet, ripping thuds and rending flesh tears. The Lobby Boy's music stops. WINGS FLAP. The Owner's music begins. THE OWNER: Thank you. Dispatching that creature has been long over due. [Angry powers that be noises]

Between the Lobby Boy's dialogue, the Hotel Herself coming in with the BEST comedic timing to give an answer in the form of very squelchy pulpy painful death, the Owner being a hater completely unprompted, and the Hotel Herself immediately turning and getting on the Owner for that it's all. Just... Excellent. Very funny sequence I love it dearly.

But...Wait, what was that?

Dispatching that creature has been long over due.

Hmm. Of course, he could just be referring only to the Lobby Boy's run around the guest floor with his whole burning and dying and burning and dying thing. He clarifies as much in his next lines as he backpedals in the face of the Hotel's implied scolding. Then we get this:

The Manager and I are more than capable of running The Hotel and checking in guests. Once we begin checking them in. Once we...I can't...have we been open long? I remember...distantly I remember so much but...Have we had any guests?

Season 3 is both the beginning and the end. Memory is murky here, liminal and prone to bleeding through yet quickly dissipates to haze. He has prior knowledge of both the Lobby and the Manager here, that's what he bases his judgments of them from – the same judgments he's made of them before (per his S1 episodes, for one example). Yet while there's certain things he knows he knows, the memories attached to that knowledge are muddled. Without them, he is new. A fresh baby bird hatchling The Owner. He isn't even aware that the Manager died a little while ago.

The Hotel gives him the recap on what's happened to the Manager and what's been going on, to the Owner's befuddlement. Her voice turns from the gurgling noises into words the audience can make sense of. I don't have anything to say about this from an in-universe perspective, I assume this is just to make the conversation more interesting to listen to and bring the Hotel Herself into the picture more fully?

In any case, the Owner is already very picky about how things should be. Even if he did remember everything, this would still be a highly unusual situation – no guests, just the Staff. Dying like the guests. This is so far beyond the Owner's (currently vague) understanding of routine that he struggles to get his bearings.

As she talks to him, it feels like the Hotel is playing with him like a toy. You could say that's what she's doing to everyone, Staff and guests and all, but in this specific conversation it feels especially like she's teasing him, prodding and poking lightly enough because she enjoys it. Good for her!

Do you remember how to die? The gibbering creature approaches. I'LL REMIND YOU. The front desk bell TOLLS and the Owner screams.

The vocal effects here make the Hotel sound intimidating and scary, imposing and powerful. And she is! But this feels playful to me.

And it feels natural, logical, in that strange logic of death the Hotel operates in. We've seen the point hammered home every episode so far: Everything in the Hotel dies. Including the Staff. Death is the inevitable. The anticipation of it, the attempt to defy it, marked the Manager's story. The fear of it and attempt to run away from it equally defined the Lobby Boy's story. Anticipation, knowing that the end is coming. Fear, of what that means, the need to avoid pain, avoid facing that awful certainty. Now, here at the Owner's arc, we arrive at understanding. Making sense of it all.

He starts confused, faced with deaths he cannot wrap his head around. It's...I hesitate to say personal, but it is much more personal than the way he conceptualizes the guest's deaths. The Manager's death shocks him. The Lobby Boy's hundred, thousand, billion deaths on the second floor baffle. Why did she die once, and him many times? Why did She kill the Manager? Are they not open for business? What does the Hotel intend, what does she want? What is the meaning of this? The purpose?

Questions abound. When anticipation and fear have been bashed and battered to bloody chunks, another way to deal with death is to try and understand it. It can be easier to cope and make peace with, I think, by trying to make it fit it into an overall grand scheme of existence. That is what the Owner's arc this season embodies, to me.

...But his domain is – and has always been – a void. Endless nothingness with the only sliver of somethingness being pointless paperwork and reservation cards. And anyway, we're on the third floor. We're near the top of the mountain. There's nowhere left to go but up, further into the darkness. There is only death ahead. And behind. And all around.

The Owner dies.

He's back in his office again for 3.9 Under Old Management.

This version of the Owner is absolutely one from S1. He envisions the third floor as a labyrinthine office full of office things like papers, filing cabinets, so on and so forth. He has the same mindset as he did then, his view of his role as like an actual job in an actual workplace setting, with standard workplace tedium and hierarchy. After being ended, he finds himself at the beginning again – his beginning within the Hotel.

Before I can get into the meat of the episode, I have something of a side tangent I want to discuss starting with this line:

Something flickers. In the dark of my mind, somewhere in the back, a thought. A memory. I hold my breath and close my eyes, trying not to scare it away. Yes. Yes I remember. I exhale loudly, blowing the thought away.

The memory begins to seep into him slowly, like a viscous liquid. The memory belongs to the self, the Owner of the previous episode. Upon the interruption/entrance of the Gibbering Creature, though, he slips back into the self of S1 Owner, shouting:

You can't...IF THAT'S YOU, LOBBY BOY, YOU HAD BETTER GET BACK TO YOUR POST!

I want to use this to get into something that's been cooking in my brain for a long time now, my theory/conceptualization of Self within The Hotel. My personal framework for understanding what the heck is going on with these characters and why their identities and memory can be so strange and ephemeral.

My fundamental premise is this: The Lobby Boy, the Manager, and the Owner are archetypes. Ideals, concepts. They are prescriptive roles which define the core of their identity, but each individual Manager or Lobby Boy that we see episode-to-episode is a distinct instance of that role. The Manager of one episode is not the same Manager of the next episode. They do not exist in the same space or time as one another nor are they acutely aware of each other. But they both do exist. Have existed. Are existing. Time and space are all kinds of warbly in The Hotel, that's just Her nature. It's how the Hotel is and experiences, and so that extends to the Staff [putting a pin in this sentence also. I will get into Self as related to The Hotel Herself specifically in the next post].

Due to the ever-constant, ever-changing paradoxical nature of time within the Hotel, distinct instances of Self can cross – memories and knowledge can leak into each other. Some Managers remember more than others due to this. There are infinitely many instances of the Staff which brush past each other and leak memory, self, knowledge etc. into themselves. I also think that the more time goes on, the more those selves accumulate and feed each other, the more a stable self-identity forms. Habits, preferences, feelings and so on occur frequently enough that that informs the next instance of the Manager.

This is what I think happened going from seasons 4 → 5. That's where we start to see more work done with linear plotlines and character development for everybody, so I use my framework to make in-universe sense of an out-of-universe writing direction.

Consider layers of time, space, and self happening here. A circle with a line through it, maybe. Everything is cyclical within the Hotel, but within that cycle is a linearity, a progression. The cycle isn't just the end and the beginning, it's the ingredients in-between the bread. What happens in the linearity feeds back into the circle, which feeds back into the line, and so on. When weird self and memory stuff happens in the series, this is how I make sense of it. It is fully self-contradictory and fleeting and weird and that's how it Is.

Idk. Personally I experience time in a really weird and very unreal-feeling way that's a lot like what I just described above, so I could just be projecting onto this. I'm considering making an entirely separate post just trying to explain this in a way that doesn't make me feel like I'm saying nonsense. So let me get back to my post, then.

This episode is so god damn JUICY. We've got a lot going on with the light/fire/darkness stuff, we've got the Owner being the most Owner he could possibly be and getting MAULED for it, the Owner - Lobby Boy parallels, we've got a Manager cameo, I love everything happening with the Hotel Herself specifically, this one really is just a home run all the way around.

As soon as the Owner lays eyes on the Gibbering Creature, he tries to book it.

Gibbering. Heavy foot falls and gibbering. You had better...get back... Gibbering echoes off of nothing. No no no no NO. WINGS FLAP and FLAP to no effect. NO! The gibbering and stomping continues to chase him. I have to run. Something is coming for me. I only know how to fear one thing, and this isn't her. But still I run.

For all his disdain and looking down upon the Lobby Boy, the Owner sure does seem to share that same 'run away' instinct, huh?

I run because the dim flickering candle in the back of my mind is getting brighter. More candles join in. Each flame a memory. Like a candle, you can regard it only for so long before the bright light burns the memory of the fire into your eyes, and I don't want this burned into my eyes. I can see her laying dead on the lobby floor. I can see the blood framing her open eyes. I can see the shape of her skull, and I remember.

Back to the light and fire imagery! Here, the fire is explicitly said to represent memories. In this case, the memory of the Owner's self that witnessing her dead in the lobby...We assume that he's referring to the Manager here, and I do think that he is. But @zombified-queer makes a good case in this post (With included follow-up insights from Veronica yay ! ) that he's also referring to Madam Hotel in season 4, specifically when the Owner kills her as Judy Blashy. Excellent post, I've since incorporated that into my own interpretation.

I personally choose to believe he's referring to both of them here. He doesn't want those memories of either the Manager or the Hotel-as-Judy horrifically dead. He wants to retreat literally, physically, but also into a self unburdened by that memory, hence why he starts out as S1 Owner here. He runs and the office setting slips away into the void.

The Owner then says:

I let one of the candles in my mind blow out. Like a birthday wish that will never come true.

What I think is happening here is that he's sacrificing one of his old memories, letting go of it to focus in on the ones he wants, needs desperately to remember in order to avoid the traumatic one. He allows the office setting, his old role, all of that to fade away to irrelevancy. He hones in on the memory of her (clearly intended to be the Manager but again the case could be made for Madam Hotel/HH/they're all interconnected with each other!!!) as he knows her because her death is too much for him to handle. It terrifies him deeply.

Whether this is the start or end point, this shakes up what the Owner knows. They shouldn't die or be dead! They're the Hotel Staff! They carry out the Hotel's will, they aren't like the guests, this is all wrong! Seeing the Manager, dead, killed by the Gibbering Creature (the Hotel Herself by proxy) for perhaps the first or last time means something has gone terribly, horribly, awfully wrong.

He begs and pleads this to the Hotel Herself as she plays with him even more. The Owner just doesn't get it yet, he doesn't understand. He thinks himself and the Staff above anything else in the Hotel, just as the Manager did. He flails and protests, insists:

Who will kill them?! If not us?!

To which he's answered by

Distant gibbering. I make so many pretty things. Listen to them gibber.

I just love this. I love her energy here. She doesn't need him strictly. The things the Staff do could be done by any number of killers created from her will. I truly feel this conversation is for her. She'd said to him earlier that he might only be doing and thinking what she wants him to do and think and I believe that's largely true in this case.

The Owner is exactly the way she wants him right now. He flails, begs, pleads, struggles. He understands nothing yet and that makes him fun to toy with. Meanwhile, the Manager taunts the Owner. I want to include this whole sequence because I love it so so much, please appreciate it with me:

THE HOTEL: TIIIIME to blow out another candle. THE MANAGER (distantly): I didn't run. THE HOTEL: Time to make a wish. THE OWNER: And you died. THE HOTEL: It's almost my birthday. (it's almost my birthday) THE MANAGER (DISTANT): So did you. THE OWNER: Not yet! I'm not some simple Lobby Boy or Manager! I own this, all of this belongs to ME! YOU ARE BENEATH ME, YOU ARE WEAK, YOU DIED BECAUSE YOU LACK THE WILL TO LIVE. TO RUN! I AM- The gibbering creature stomps over howls as it bludgeons the Owner. The Hotel theme plays over credits as the Owner continues to get torn apart by the howling creature. The Hotel blows out a candle.

The Owner so badly doesn't want to die, it's kind of adorable looking back on this. Essentially cornered, taunted, with no other options, he turns to the most familiar tool in his arsenal: shouting loudly about how above everyone he is. I've tried to think of something insightful to say about this but I honestly think this all speaks for itself.

This is where I want to wrap up this post. It's a little abrupt, I know we've still got 3.10, but I'd like to cover that next time as I segue into talking about The Hotel Herself. (And I need to stop and eat some dinner!)

I will see ya'll next time, and I PROMISE you that won't be anywhere near as long of a wait as this one was. I'm excited to finish this out. :-)

[thought--bubble]

There is Still Hope ... Isn't There? Pt 3

Tom Bennett X (Best Friend's Sister Reader)

Warnings after the cut

There is Still Hope Masterlist

Tom Bennett Masterlist

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Banners by @arcielee

Warnings:: Innuendo, Jealousy, Alcohol use, Tom's cocky smile.

You buzz around the flat cleaning the kitchen, the parlor, and anything else that looks even slightly disheveled.

When you spot Tom's rucksack on the floor by the sofa, an idea comes into your head. "He needs somewhere to keep his things." You ponder out loud.

You move to the closet in the parlor and pull out your father's old trunk,softly running your hands over the lid.

It's a big thick trunk with leather reinforced corners. You lift the heavy lid and see there are only a few things inside. Your fathers uniform, including hat and boots. Some old newspapers and the scarf he had given your mother on their first date.

You pull the items out one by one, making a small pile, and then scoop them up in your arms, bringing them to your room.

You wanted to let Tom use the trunk, but you couldn't stand the thought of these things just sitting in a messy pile in the downstairs closet. Instead, you wrap the scarf around your headboard. Place the newspapers in a pile on top of your dresser and hang your fathers uniform in your closet, placing his hat on the post of the footboard of your bed, and his boots under the hanging uniform. It felt good to have pieces of your parents with you, and you sit and stare at the two items added to your bed for a moment before returning to your work downstairs.

You drag the large trunk from the closet into the parlor placing it in front of the lounge chair as if to use it as a foot rest, you lift Tom's rucksack and place it gently inside Next taking the blanket and pillow he left haphazardly on the sofa, folding the blanket and placing them both in the trunk and closing the lid.

You look around proudly at the flat. Everything is clean and organized, not a single item out of place. As you move back towards the kitchen, the door opens quietly, and Tom pokes his head in.

"Hey ya decent?" He chuckles

You give him an annoyed look "Course I am, I'm downstairs!"

He has his signature cheeky grin plastered across his face as he enters the kitchen.

"How did it go then?" You question with your hands on your hips.

"Uhhhh... well, it's ...... going...." he scratches the back of his neck as his eyes dart around the room.

You sigh "Well it isn't easy out there, so don't get too worked up"

"You off to work soon then, yeah?" He changes the subject, and you let him not wanting to continue asking him for fear that it could make the situation uncomfortable.

"Yeah." You look up at the clock on the wall, "Leave in about 2 hours"

"Mind if I join ya?"

You glance at him sideways. "At work?"

"You work at a pub. I could use a drink. figured if i'm gonna go, I should walk ya. " He shrugs."I'm gonna lay down a bit. Just wake me up when you are ready to leave"

"Oh!" You dash passed him into the parlor excited to show him your fathers trunk.

His eyes follow you, and he smiles. "What you got there?"

"This was my fathers trunk." You gently slide your hands along the top of the leatherbound trunk. "I put your things and the blanket and pillow in here, for storage"

"Oh, kid, I can't use your dads trunk." He sits down on the sofa and gently touches the top of the trunk. "His things belong in there, not mine."

"His things were just rotting away in the closet. Now they are upstairs with me. He liked you he wouldn't mind you using his trunk. " You stand back up."Now take your nap, I'll come get you"

"He only liked me because I was still young last time he was here." He lays back on the sofa and puts his arms behind his head. "I wasn't a disaster yet"

You huff. "He would like you all the same, just like mum did"

He closes his eyes and lays back with a smile on his face.

A few hours later, you are all dressed and ready to head to the pub, so you walk into the parlor and gently nudge his shoulder.

"Tom," you say hushed. "I'm off to work now"

"Alright," He grunts and stretches a big smile on his face. "Time for a pint, then?"

"Make sure you tip," you smirk as you step back, allowing him to stand up from the sofa.

"I can give you a tip." He wiggles his eyebrows, and you gasp. "Oh, lighten up, kid, i'm jokin"

You clear your throat and walk toward the kitchen, quickly snatching your bag up into your arms.

"Alright, that was not a good joke. I just woke up don't hold it against me yeah? When did you start getting tips anyway?"

You smile with a haughty grin "The blokes like to tip me"

He lifts his eyebrows and chuckles "I am sure they do" He rubs at his chin with a sly smile on his face.

You give him the side eye. "Tom Bennet..... what should be done about you?"

"i'm sure there are lots of people with opinions on that love." He chuckles as he straightens out his clothes and follows you out the door.

The pub isn't far from your flat. You and Tom walk shoulder to shoulder, chatting about him and Josh as teenagers the whole way.

Once you arrive, the pub is already busy. You slide behind the counter, saying a quick hello to your coworker Sarah as you take off your jacket and hang it up.

"I'll have a pint, then love," Tom says to Sarah with his usually cheeky grin. Sarah blushes and moves to get him his pint as you roll your eyes.

"You ok, kid?" he questions as he watches you clean down the counter.

"Fine Tom." Your tone is curt, and he recognizes that right away.

"You sure about that?" He tilts his head to the side.

"Yes....." You keep doing your work without looking up at him.

As Sarah brings him his pint, he starts to lay his charm on thick, and your mouth suddenly feels like it is full of sawdust.

Luckily, one of your regulars, Mark is down the other end of the bar and calls you over, giving you an excuse to escape Sarah and Tom's banter as it heats up.

"Hey doll, may I have a pint?" Mark says in his usual flirty tone.

"Of course." You smile towards him shyly. You always play this little game with Mark, and at the end of every night without fail, he throws you a few extra coin.

As you return to pour Mark's pint, the banter between Sarah and Tom has stopped.

"You strike out that fast?" You chuckle with a small smile.

"Who is that?" He ignores your question and gestures toward Mark at the end of the bar.

"Just a regular customer." You fill Mark's pint glass and look up at Tom whose eyes have not left Mark.

"He's harmless." You continue not understanding why you feel the need to explain your interaction with Mark, but something in your mind is prompting you to do so.

"Harmless? ..... that why you make the eyes at him?" He taps his fingers against his glass.

"If I'm sweet to him, he is more generous"

You glide down the bar and drop the pint off to mark leaning on the counter and smiling at him as he tells you about his day complimenting your appearance after each tale. You spend so much time chatting with Mark that you don't even realize that Tom's one pint turned into 4 until he stumbles down to your end of the bar.

"Why don't you leave the kid alone now, yeah? You been chatting her ear off all night. I'm sure she is sick of that whiney voice of yours by now, " Tom slurs as he drops himself on the stool beside Mark.

Mark's face starts to turn red, and his eyebrows furrow. "You are?"

"Tom Bennet" He says unbothered.

"Well Tom Bennet, this lass and I are good friends i'm sure if my talkin was botherin her she woulda let me know by now" You can sense the irritation in each of Mark's words as he says them and internally cringe. If there was anything in the entire world that you could think of that Tom was bad at, it was de-escalation. No, Tom only ever made situations like these worse.

"Kid, when is your shift over? I'm ready to head out. " Tom completely ignores Mark's response.

"I still have another hour but you can head out, you don't have to wait for me" You are hoping Tom would take you up on this and leave while Mark is still relatively calm but you had a feeling he wasn't going to do that.

"No, that's nuff time for another pint!" He smiles widely at you, his eyelids half closed.

"Maybe you should pack it in mate." Mark slightly nods his head toward Tom, his tone condescending. Your eyes go wide, and you hold your breath. Your thoughts move quickly trying to think of a way to stop this banter from turning into something else but in true Tom fashion he is up and off his stool so quickly and standing over Mark that there was no chance that you could intervene successfully.

Tom stands slightly over Mark, looking down his nose at him.

"Don't think I will, cheers for the concern though"

Tom's stance fills you with nerves, even intoxicated Tom doesn't stand down from anyone. He has his hands clasped in front of him his shoulders slightly back and broad. His upper lip is flipped slightly upwards as if he is sneering.

You look at Mark with pleading eyes, hoping that he could make a rational decision since it was so painfully obvious that the smart decision was not going to come from Tom.

Mark sees the look you give him and slightly nods his head, picking up his pint glass off the bar. "I'll leave you to it then, mate." He turns towards the open dining area in the pub and sits at a table with some other local patrons.

"Tom!" You whisper with force. "You can not act like that! I work here!"

He plops back down onto his barstool. "I don't have any idea what you're on about kid,"

You huff. "I have less than an hour left. Do you think you can behave yourself that long?" Your frustration is evident, but it seems Tom finds that fact amusing.

"Course love, best behavior, promise." He does a sarcastic salute towards you and grins as if satisfied with what he has achieved. You can't help but roll your eyes as you return to your work.

"Less than one hour," you mumble to yourself under your breath.

You avoid Tom like the plague for the rest of your shift, wanting him to sober up a bit so you could properly chastise him for his earlier actions.

Once your shift ends, you throw your jacket over your shoulders and finally return to Tom.

"I'm heading home now." You half expect him to want to stay at the pub and find himself some company the way he had so many times before. Instead, he gets up and follows you back onto the cold street, wrapping an arm around the tops of your shoulders and leaning on you heavily.

"You think Josh will be upset when I show up home like this?" He laughs loudly.

You just chuckle and continue walking, holding his arm that is on you attempting to help him walk in a straight line.

"You know, kid, you really have grown up. You look...... well, you look like something else. " He nuzzles his face into your cheek and stumbles, almost taking you down with him.

"Walk Tom," you order him as he sighs.

"You smell good," He continues as he attempts to walk straighter.

The blush rises to your cheeks as you stay silent, even though your legs start to shake you desperately attempt to keep your composure.

"Your body has..... changed. " He briefly grazes the outline of your waist with his hand.

You see your flat coming closer and closer with each step you take and start to feel a bit of relief. You have always wanted Tom to see you as a woman, and now when he is telling you he does, your brain completely shuts down.

As you near the stoop, he stops you. "Wait, gotta smoke first," he fishes about his pockets looking for his smokes.

"Well, I don't smoke, I'll meet you inside." You are desperate to make a hasty exit so you can have a moment to process the events of the night.

"Nooo," He groans as he tugs you toward him by the waist, pulling you up against him. "Stay here," He nearly whispers as he brings his face down towards yours.

As he moves closer and his lips mere centimeters from yours, a mix of beer and cigarettes on his breath, you hear the flat door swing open, and Josh's voice calls out, asking if that is you out there.

Tom practically leaps back from your body as if you were burning him alive, dampening the emotions that were beginning to rise in you.

"Yeah, Josh, it's me." You grumble, making your way up the stoop and into the flat, leaving Tom out on the sidewalk.

Once the door closes, he lights his cigarette and takes a drag before he starts to mutter to himself.

"Dammit Tom, what have you gone and done now?"

Part 4

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[children-of-epiales]

From the jealousy prompts!

 “i’ve had feelings for you for a long time now...” and/or  “you should have told me.” 

Can I get a uhhhh, any pairing that you desire please with a cherry on top :3

Anything for thee!

Note: So what I'm gonna do is write one of the prompts here and post the other and link the ask to it!

*****

03 February, 2017

     “I’ve had feelings for you for a long time now...” The green woman avowed. “ And instead of doing what I should have-telling you-I hid them. I forced these feelings deep inside me and tried to convince myself that they were just-just infatuation, that eventually I would remember that you were my friend.” 

When Sage didn’t say anything, Lara took a step to her left; if she dared move closer to him, she would hug him as tightly as she could or, considering how dizzy confessing her love made her, the witch might have dared to kiss him.

Continuing seemed to be her most rational thought. “ But I don’t want to be friends anymore,” Lara struggled to say clearly, her head falling since she couldn’t bring herself to make eye contact with the warlock. “ You and the others have always loved me unconditionally, I hope I’ve done my best to show that I feel the same way. It was just different from you; you’re like my hero, you are my hero.” She paused and pursed her lips. 

Before the witch could keep on ripping her own heart out, the warlock seemed to come back to life; he set his keys back down on the table, his hand hovering above them for a moment until he shrugged off his coat.

Lara watched, not calmly like she prayed she appeared to be, rather like a rabbit ready to run off into the forest that stood behind the homes that failed to conceal it. “ I love you.” she spat out, the thought that perhaps he misunderstood what she was trying to say crossed her mind. The adrenaline helped the words come out firmly and confidently. 

Sage took a step forward, pausing to make sure Lara wouldn’t leave out of fear. His own heart started beating quickly when she didn’t, noticing that her hands were balled and kept at her sides. The warlock suddenly smiled. “ Look at us-two adults in love and we’re being silly about it.” 

“ Silly?” Lara repeated, almost shocked. Her eyes dropped again as she thought about his words, realizing that they made sense. Except for one thing. 

“ So you do love me too? I wasn’t starting to become horribly obsessed?” 

Sage started to approach the witch again, slowly but surely, until he could reach out and take one of her hands in both of his hands; the motion was so fluid, without any flinching or freezing or avoiding eye contact. “ If you’re horribly obsessed, then I must be too.” Sage confirmed, his smile widening as Lara’s cheeks turned the softest shade of red. “ Can I kiss you, Lara?” 

The green woman stumbled a little; it didn’t take long for Sage to take the hint and he pulled out a chair before her bottom could hit the floor, all the while the witch held tightly onto his hand. “ I’m sorry-” Lara blurted out, the whole thing having sucked all the breath out of her lungs, “-I didn’t think this would go so far. I’ve never kissed anyone before-do you know how to kiss?” 

Her rushed words left Sage at a loss for any. Perhaps he should have said something to her sooner about his own feelings. 

“ We don’t have to, it can be saved for another day,” He placed a hand on Lara’s back out of fear that she might pass out. 

“ No! Of course-unless you don’t want to kiss me...Of course.” Lara couldn’t help her voice changing tone like a piano, trying to balance what she wanted to happen with what appeared more likely to happen. Her stomach churned with regret and embarrassment, a good remedy for a headache that she knew was going to occur later on. 

The two ended up pausing, practically freezing in the moment; silence always seemed to bring the two back down to earth, something they both appreciated greatly. 

Sage started to lean down. Lara straightened her back and extended her neck the best she could, no matter how unnecessary. Their lips met halfway, carefully pressing together like puzzle pieces. They remained that way for a few seconds, allowed some space between them, then the couple kissed each other again more securely, their hands finding a shoulder or a jaw to hold onto. 

They remained like the statues of lovers, created by famous Greek sculptors from way back when, except they needed to separate again so they could look into each others’ eyes, no sort of awkwardness or “silliness” remained, only the love.

[zwei-rhunen]

 context: i am not a tank

i am barely a PUG tbh lmao

So i woke up today and chose violence tanking :)

first we run like two trials that i felt were pretty straightforward, to gimme a taste of dat tank cuisine, and both went well

> i was OT and both MTs were great and like. OT didnt have much other responsibilities outside of being emergency tank tbf, but still, i get confident, and i’m ready for a lil more chaos

me: how complicated is tanking nidhogg? 

@lord-kefka-palazzo​ the healer: not that complicated. just keep adds separate, faced away, etc

me: COOL LETS DO THAT ONE NEXT

the game plan for Nidhogg: i’m gonna off-tank! and then maybe the next fight i will consider being main tank. no promises, tho

> totally not me, entertaining myself with trying to get the perfect lil’ jumpy twirl and not paying attention to the rest of the party that’s already running into battle bc ppl already finished their cutscenes

“OH IT’S STARTED-”

/goes

/goes a lil too hard

/goes so hard, in fact, that i do my rotation. my fingers hit the two buttons to /stance, and i dont notice bc I’ve been treating it as part of my tank rotation, and not like, its own separate rotation

(i’m getting the feeling that its more of an opener, since it seems that tank stance is situational)

/ ???? i have stance on???

/oh fuck, i have stance on

/hurriedly looks for stance buttons b/c i suddenly have no idea where they are b/c its not the beginning of the fight and my brain has already filed that information away into its proper cabinet b/c i dont need to recall it anymore b/c battle already started and i have the monke neural pathway of smth like

“DEF tanking():

IF fight begins THEN tank stance; IF fight in progress THEN take boss, go north, dont die, win fight ELSE panic and pray; ” seared into my skull bc dungeon-brain

the next bit took like 20 seconds to play out even though it seems hella longer, ik:

“wjhu-why is my stance button over here”

/turns stance off

/still MT’ing

what.jpg

>its off, right??

>squints at button in confusion. it’s blue. idk what the color means. i think it means tank off (no it meant i had it “on”, and pushing it again would turn it off.) i flip it a few times, like the way your annoying sibling does when they flicker the light switch in your bedroom.

>??????? why is it on a cooldown??? stance has cooldowns??????

> mouse-over, look at description- oh wait i’m pressing the wrong set of button combos lmao

> take stance off

/still have aggro

/looks at party list

/MT has also toggled stance off, since i’ve done the animal-kingdom strut that means “i want to tank” (i actually do not, silently hoping to please take him back :’) )

/ MT is being very chill and a team player and letting me have at it

/boss begins targeting other people

/flips stance back on

exhibit A: me, panicking :)

Exhibit B: trying to assume my MT role and also trying to signal that “THIS WAS NOT MY INTENTION and also uhhhh MT is NOT taking it BACK, WHAT DO I DO” -

except i dont have time to type all that

so instead, i put everything into one heartfelt line and hope it gets the same message across:

> and at the same time, hydaelyn appears before my mind’s eye with a very important message for me - she says,

 “congrats, you are the Main Tank now :) “

>okokok FUCK it, i’m MT now, lets go nidhogg

> ....

>it was not fine (the stars aligned and a chain of other unfortunate events also happened lool)

>we get to the dragon phase! but end up wiping and try again

> i am determined to not stance this time. i will not touch stance. we are going to run in and DPS and let the other tank be MT and i will SIT HERE, happily doing DPS and tanking during adds.

> lol so THAT lasted like 10 seconds.

but its okay we passed the second time wahoo

Me:

thank you, kind PUG, but i definitely did not deserve that LMFAOOOOO

post-fight:

oh hey, i forgot about these nine other buttons, what do they do-

-flashback to when it was me, the other tank, and the healer remaining for a good, 30 looooong seconds-

and also sitting next to it:

Finisher move:

/checks journal

(listen PLD was so boringggg i dragged myself to 50, stopped and haven’t looked back LMFAO (don’t kill me tho i’ll get to them!! at some point ) )

Bonus: The Limitless Blue (Hard)

me trying to be good and dodging splash AOEs

and then i remember wait a MINUTE i’m A

!!!! SO CAN I? CAN I???? I CAN

THEM RIGHT?? probably???? idk probably yeah

/chills out and stops spinning things b/c im not dodging the splashing AOEs anymore

“i am INVINCIBLE-”

-proceeds to get my ass thrown into the air, b/c twisters believe in humbling everyone equally-

[familyfriendlyweed]

makeup sessions (karl jacobs x fem reader)

a/n : hi! this is my first tumblr post. i have written stuff on wattpad in the past, but it’s still quite new to me, so please be nice :]] i accept positive critism and advice, as that most definitely will help me grow as a writer!

 Y/n let out something between a squeal and a scream at the same time when she saw Karl's tweet. her face was beat red and her lips couldn't help but curl into the stupidest grin ever.

the tweet read :

hey @) y/nhasursocks wanna do my makeup at my stream today :]]

 it was the simplest tweet, yet it meant so much to the girl. Karl and Y/n were always really good friends, they often streamed minecraft together, but never in a million years did he yet ask her to be in his stream in real life.

 Y/n picked up the phone with trembling hands, already seeing a bunch of likes, comments and retweets to Karl's tweet. before answering, she got curious to know what the people say. cautiously opening the comments section, the girl scanned it through with her eyes. a bunch of "awwwwws" and hearts could be seen, which worsened her already red cheeks.

With her heart thumping hard against her ribs, she started writing her reply :

sounds great! <3

 for a moment Y/n hesitated to press the "reply" button with the "<3" emoticon in the comment, but then she figured she and Karl sent lovey dovey emojis/emoticons in the past to each other anyways, so, she pressed the "reply" button at last.

 in an instant, her reply started gaining more and more likes, comments and retweets. Y/n was never really popular, having her clout was only because of Karl being her friend, so seeing this much attention was weird to her. but she didn't care about that right now. all that Y/n cared about at the moment was the fact that Karl appreciated her enough to actually invite her over.

 a little bit later in the day, Y/n received a private message from Karl, which said :

hey Y/n! I'm really glad you're up to stream together <3 i planned on starting the stream at 4 pm, but you can change the time if you're busy :] here is my address (don't tell anyone! :D) - (random address lol)

 Y/n answered :

 thanks for inviting me bestie!! 4 pm is cool, I'll be there! <33

 she set the phone down, unable to remove the blissful smile from her face. she has never felt this way before - it was really weird, but the constant butterflies in her tummy reminded her that it's a good feeling. taking a few deep breaths, Y/n reminded to herself that all she has to do is to go to Karl's house and have a good time AS FRIENDS - no romantic stuff is needed.

  ~~~~~time skip~~~~~

  Y/n got off from the bus at 15:50, but she still had about 5 minutes to reach Karl's house. in what felt like forever, the girl felt a sting of what was unmistakably fear and guilt - what if she was late? and what if Karl would be annoyed with her for that?

 slowly she broke into a panicky run. passing careless citizens, who all looked at her fear-stricken face curiously, she finally made it to the front door of Karl's home. Y/n pulled out her phone and found the code that she was supposed to enter next the main door. she quickly dialed it, a beep beep beep was heard and she entered.  

 finally making it to Karl's apartment, Y/n stopped to smooth her hair and straighten her clothes so she doesn't look too shabby. her body seemed to be moving on its own - her finger pressed the doorbell automatically.

 Karl opened the door almost in an instant - he wore a warm smile and before Y/n could stutter a "hello", he pulled the girl into a big welcoming hug.

 "hey Y/n! it's so cool you made it!" Karl exclaimed, still holding her close.

Y/n's head was spinning, she needed more time to process what was happening. but nevertheless, she finally lifted her own arms and hugged the guy. burying her face into his sweater, she inhaled Karl's scent deeply - he smelled something like honey and warm days.

"hello, Karl." she mumbled with a grin on her face.

"come on, do you want to eat something before the stream?" Karl asked, letting go of the girl and taking her hand into his instead, leading Y/n into the house.

"oh no, I'm full. let's get straight to business." she answered, the blissful smile and content blush never leaving her face.

"alrighty! you already know, but we'll have an eventful makeup session, and then I thought maybe play some minecraft so the stream isn't too short?" the guy asked, opening his bedroom door.

"sounds great!"

Karl smiled and went to his computer :

"you ready? I'll start the stream now."

the girl quickly fixed her hair again and gave him thumbs up :

"ready."

Karl started the stream with facecam on and as soon as the chat saw Y/n, it went absolutely wild.

"guys, give her a rest, poor girl just came!" he laughed, drawing her a chair. Y/n thanked quietly and sat, waving to the chat timidly. in the corner of her eye, she saw comments like "she's so adorable" and "look at Karl being a gentleman" in the chat and her cheeks grew more red, but this time from satisfaction.

"well, as you guys know, Y/n agreed to be in my stream today, and since some of you don't really know her, she's a really good friend of mine who also streams and does youtube videos - so go support her!"

from that moment Y/n relaxed more and more with each minute. it was fifteen minutes into the stream when she already felt as if at home.

"Karl, you have a hell lot of lipsticks, where did that come from?"

"uhhhh, I only bought them for the stream today!"

"oh really? why are they all used, then?" Y/n asked giggling and showing them to the stream.

"hey- don't expose me like that!"

"chat, clip it, CLIP IT!"

all was going really well, Y/n was having a really good time with Karl AS FRIENDS. it was really nice. but all hell broke loose when the time to put eyeliner came.

"alright, I have no idea why, but you have four eyeliners."

"they're my sister's."

"haha, yeah, yeah, alright. Which one do you want big man?"

"hmmm, the one in your left hand!"

Y/n set the other eyeliners on the table, quickly glancing at the chat. her cheeks grew very very red…

"Y/N DO THE MEME SIT ON HIS LAP" "SIT ON HIS LAP" "THE MEME, DO THE MEME!!!"

  a/n: if anyone is confused, this is an example of the meme i’m talking about :

the girl tried to act as if she hadn't seen the comments, but Karl was already by her side, reading them with her.

"meme… what meme?" he wondered out loud. Y/n got the impression that he was genuinely confused.

'chat, shut the fuck up, please shut the fuck up.' thought Y/n, but of course chat was just being chat.

"SHE SHOULD SIT ON UR LAP" "THERE'S A MEME WHERE A GIRL DOES A GUY'S EYELINER WHILE SITTING ON HIS LAP" "WE'RE NOT FORCING BUT YOU GUYS WOULD LOOK SO CUTE"

Y/n hid her face in her hands, unable to control her blushing. Karl just chuckled sweetly :

"chat, calm down, she's going to die from blushing."

he put on the "please stand by" screen and scooted over Y/n :

"hey, it's fine. we won't do it if you don't want to," Karl then leaned closer and whispered, "I'd be pretty glad if you agreed, though."

Y/n lowered her hands, showing off the big red hue on her cheeks. for a split second Karl's eyes widened -  she looked really adorable.

"I'd also be glad." the girl said, almost not believing her own words.

Karl's adorable smile came back and he leaned back:

"well then, come here."

Y/n stood up shyly and straddled his legs, grabbing the eyeliner in the process.

"do you want me to turn on the facecam?" Karl asked quietly.

the girl nodded :

"I don't mind."

he turned it on and put his hands onto Y/n's hips. even without looking at it, Y/n knew the chat was blowing up at the moment.

"you guys better subscribe, because we're providing very good fanservice." said Karl jokingly and Y/n laughed. turning to him, she opened the eyeliner and put it next to his eye, only to find him staring at her in an awe. the girl blushed as a strong urge to kiss him kicked in. it looked as if Karl wanted the same thing.

at the precise same time, they both leaned in and pressed their lips together, Y/n putting her hands onto Karl's cheeks to hide the view from the chat. the kiss was very short and with no tongue included - but it was the most sweet kiss Y/n has ever shared with someone. she pulled away, an identical grin to Karl's on her face and hugged him very tight - they almost fell off the chair.

laughing, she continued to do Karl's makeup as if nothing happened and everyone watching the stream wasn't fainting and clipping the kiss. this will be talked about for a long time, but as before, Y/n didn't care about that, and nor did Karl.

a/n : anddddd cut! it’s quite wonky, but i believe it’s pretty swell for my first mcyt fanfic :]] let me know what you think of it and if you have any tips or advice on how to make my future stories more enjoyable! thanks for reading and i hope to see you around <3

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

The One Where Jensen Ackles Confirmed Cockles in 2016(????) No. Seriously. For real.

this is a DOOZY. strap in folks.

DISCLAIMER: this is chock full of rps. if you are against cockles/jenmish in any way, this post is not for you. however, if you’re like me, ummmmm...

alright. so. we are REALLY in it now, cockles truthers. and make no mistake, i DO NOT want to undersell the significance of what we have found on this glorious day in 2021.

BUT HEY! DISCLAIMER FIRST, THOUGH IT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING! do not EVER bring this to jensen and misha’s attention. do not comment disrespectful things on social media. when cons/panels start again, don’t ask them questions about it. ever!!! that’s super weird, for one thing, and for two, they won’t give you the answer you want anyway! so, yeah. just be decent, y’all. let’s continue. 

so my dear mutual @green-blue-heller made this post today and i promptly lost my mind. in it, they link this video:

undefined

as far as i can tell, it’s from VegasCon 2016 but was only unprivated on january 24, 2020(dean winchester’s birthday??? wow ok) for some reason, and we have overlooked it until now. to whoever it was that posted it, THANK you for my reason for being and this delayed gratification five years later. anyway, let’s get into it.

right off the bat, those expressions in the thumbnail kind of tell you all you need to know about what we’re venturing into. i have to thank BOTH jensen AND j*red for being ridiculously transparent. i mean...j*red purposefully avoiding eye contact with jensen and looking at the ceiling with his eyebrows raised sky high? jensen hiding his face in his hands, smiling and blushing like a fool, the misha face™ & grin???

so let’s break down what happens with timestamps and everything.

so! i looked up what the question was, i scoured through the entire Vegas Con video, and here it is:

‘My question is for Jensen and Jared. You guys are both happily married, and I noticed that many people had a hard time explaining how they know their significant other is the one. The one they want to spend the rest of their life with, the one that they want to be with, and so, I wanted to ask you guys, how did you know that your current- who you’re with now(audience laughter cuts the rest of the question off and it’s unintelligible)’ ….i’m solidly guessing that the end of that question boils down to ‘was the one’. (....i...uhhhh....have some thoughts on how this question affected jensen, and i will be going into them later.)

Jared: *laughs* Jared, Jensen. When did you first meet your future ex-wives?

*both of them laugh*

Jared: I’m just kidding-I get what you’re trying to say and thank you, um...I, uh, I guess my current wife, uh-

*both laugh again*

Jensen: (sarcastically) Let’s start with her.

Jared: (repeats) Let’s start with her. I, uh, I...you said something kinda, uh, amazing in your question, which is that a lot of people have a tough time or a difficult time explaining to their significant others or to themselves what it is. And I guess I feel that I have no way to possibly explain it to myself or to her... I remember that I had been in a relationship and that I was single and I was like ‘I am not interested in getting in a relationship’ and then she and I went on a date and I was like, ‘I can’t go anywhere else. I’m not interested.’ So, that was kinda what, um, what started it for me *clears throat loudly* Uh. Yeah, I just feel like (searching for words) she makes me a better person-there are a lot of people that make you a better person, and so that’s not enough, I don’t think-or maybe it is, who knows-um...I don’t know, I can’t really...if I could explain, I’d be a poet.

here’s where things start to get interesting. before jared says ‘If I could explain, I’d be a poet,’ Jensen’s face looks like this:

stoic, thoughtful, composed. and then AFTER jared says that his face makes THIS little journey:

go watch it for yourself. this man is ridiculous. in terms of body language? he gazes up and AWAY from jared. it is a private thought, he is not sharing in jared’s joke with him, if at all. it is his own personal musings that make his face LIGHT up like that. this fool looks lovestruck!!! this fool is lovestruck!!!

now, i think it goes without saying, but there is an obvious cockles reason that springs to mind for this reaction. (hint: misha is a poet. that’s it, that’s the reason.) i don’t think jared intentionally said this with misha in mind, but jensen’s thoughts IMMEDIATELY went there. whether or not this is because he was already planning on answering and hinting at his relationship with misha before jared says this, which i think he was-you can certainly see the wheels turning in jensen’s head before this moment-his brain involuntarily makes the connection and it shows in his glowing smile. after that remark...jensen’s gone. he’s whipped. and he HAS to say something about it. 

continuing from where we left off:

Jared: ...and I would love to be a poet. (thought it would be fun to mention that at this point Jensen catches what his face did and immediately looks over to Jared and WIPES the expression of his face...but it’s too late, because someone recorded it, i saw it, and now i’m writing about it five years later)

Jared: But uhh…

Jensen: (interrupting) Just tap me when you want me to take over. 

i think that jensen is simultaneously joking and is also more than ready to say what he’s been composing in his head diligently for the last thirty or so seconds. he has made up his mind, and is now ready to drop the bomb on us.

*audience laughs, Jared playfully swats at him*

Jared: Uh… *thinks in silence for a bit* It’s really difficult, it’s really difficult. She makes me feel safe, she makes me feel loved. Uh...when...I’m in a position where I don’t love myself, I know she loves me, you know, um...she’s just an awesome, awesome lady.

*audience claps*

alright! so in terms of my OWN analysis for what’s happened up until this point, the conclusion i have come to is that there was something in the question that was asked that sets jensen’s mind off about misha, and i think it was the ‘the one’ comment. if we’re putting our cockles goggles on, jensen doesn’t HAVE a ‘the one’. he resents thinking like that. i’m also very intuitive, and i get a sense that jensen is an honest person and can’t really tell a convincing lie. i mean...we all saw that horrible airbnb debacle, right? and his slip up when he accidentally confirms that misha woke up and said ‘i miss (maison)’[which how would you know that unless you were...nvm] and became a stammering mess and had to sit down and cover his face. and that misha is always the one to take the lead when it comes to denying clothes sharing, for instance. jensen has never ONCE attempted to explain that away, because i don’t think anyone would believe him, and i think he’s incapable of doing so because he’s not a dishonest person and can’t lie easily. i’m the same way, so to avoid telling a lie i always speak partial truths, and i’m 99% sure jensen is well versed in this talent as well. oh, also, just to really land my point....we all know how he feels about the finale because he can’t make himself speak well on it. he’ll gush about 15x18 and the PEOPLE BEHIND the finale, but he has not uttered one. positive. word. about the actual finale itself. i mean, we all know what he thinks about it. in his own way, he has made his rage glaringly obvious. and i think he’s doing that exact thing here, where he resents the implication that daneel is the only ‘one’ for him, because that’s simply not true, and he can’t and won’t lie about something like that. 

i watched it back again and wrote notes on jensen’s body language as he’s processing the question. here they are:

from 0:13 to 1:21, jensen: 

looks down - tenses face - searching eyes, lost in thought - jared’s comment brings him out of it but it takes a second - fidgets, adjusts clothes, looks at jared - bites the inside of his cheeks and moves tongue around his mouth(pacifying gesture) - eyes start wandering away from jared, looks down and tenses face, looks back at jared - then looks away, eyes and mind far from the panel and pondering the question itself - somewhat wistful expression, gears clearly turning in his head, lips pursed, stops reacting to what jared is saying, fingers start fidgeting, eyes have moved downward as he is lost in thought - something shifts in his brain, he looks to the ceiling, fidgets and adjusts his clothing, squints and seems to resolve an inner thought - slightly comes back down to earth with newfound resolution - and then jared’s ‘i would be a poet’ comment happens while he’s coming down from that

i mean, this obviously doesn’t necessarily mean anything huge(yet), all it shows is that this question took a lot of thinking for him. when you compare it to how jared kind of just dove in? 

anyway; so then jared’s done, he slaps jensen’s thigh to indicate it’s his turn, jensen makes THAT face you see in the thumbnail, jared’s eyebrows raise, jensen looks down and scratches his forehead, and then makes the statement of a lifetime. 

here’s the link for this next part

Jensen: Ummm..I kind of feel like there’s two types of people ..uh..in regards to marriage and the, the one. Uh, it’s the ones that just, just know with an absolute and, and have a certainty of like, this is the one for me, unequivocally. And then there’s those who are, you know, I don’t know, I’m scared, but I’m willing to take that leap of faith with you. And, I kind of find myself in between both of those(...types of people). And uh, and so, it can be a scary endeavour, and it can, and it will certainly have it’s ups and downs, um, but I think it’s a, uh, it’s a bond, and it’s a connection, and it’s a friendship, and it’s a ride, and it’s a journey that, uh, if you’re willing to stick it out with one another, can be an amazing, beautiful thing and I’m glad that I picked the partner and the teammate that I have, so.

i’ll give you like a second to recuperate before we dig in. 

let’s start with both jared and jensen’s body language first, because it wasn’t even the words that clued me in, it was whatever the hell was going on with jared’s face. 

i really wish i could gif, but i can only attempt to convey the SPEED and VIGOUR with which jared snaps his head toward jensen. 

these pictures are objectively hilarious because you can see the entire mental journey that jared goes on. he was aloof and kind of relaxed because he was done, it’s jensen’s turn now, he’s surely not gonna out himself with this question right? and then jensen goes ahead and says ‘there are two-’ and jared instantly zones right into jensen with a look of horror on his face, that he tries to contain, but does so unsuccessfully. that is the face of a man who is internally freaking out, thought to himself ‘did he seriously just say...’ and is kind of staring at the culprit in shock and awe.

i know that’s what’s happening, because this is not the first time we’ve seen him react like this to something jensen has said. the classic head whip. a few examples, just off the top of my head:

1. ‘he has, hasn’t he?’ 

2. ‘he sounds like that in the morning’ ‘how do you know’ 

3. when he whips his head around when he notices jensen’s face(and instantly understands when he realizes it’s misha)

so yeah, i’m sure you get it by now. jared can’t really keep it off of his face. there’s no real analyzing to be done here...it’s just an obvious tell on his part. there’s no real reason for him to have reacted this way if jensen was saying something inconspicuous, is there? he would have continued to just kind of space out if jensen hadn’t just said something jarringly questionable. 

as for jensen’s body language, i can’t really tell where he’s looking from either angle of both videos i’ve seen. sometimes it seems like he’s looking straight at jared, and maybe nods at him once, but he could also(and is most likely) looking at the fan who asked the question. i don’t think there’s anything particularly telling about his body language because i think he rehearsed his answer in his head and also, he’s not shying away because he’s not lying about anything. like...everything he’s saying is true, so he’s not going to have any tells. and it’s the fact that he is TELLING THE TRUTH that is freaking jared out.

now for what he actually says. because oh my god. 

right off the bat, he says “i kind of feel like there’s two types of people..” and first off, what? what does that even mean? if you think of it in terms of ‘this is about daneel and only daneel’....isn’t this a realllyyyyy strange thing to start out with? objectively? the question that was asked to him was ‘how did you know they were the one?’ and he goes ‘actually there’s TWO types of people’ ...like, jensen never answers the question at hand. 

and then he goes “in regards to marriage and the one”. i hope i’m not the only one who noticed he said the words ‘the one’ in a resentful and kind of degrading tone? seriously, listen to it again. he seems like he’s almost mocking that sentiment. i swear i’m not making it up, it really sounds like that to me. 

and then he says “-it’s the ones that just, just know with an absolute and, and have a certainty of like, this is the one for me, unequivocally. And then there’s those who are, you know, I don’t know, I’m scared, but I’m willing to take that leap of faith with you.” *NON TINHAT VERSION OF EVENTS* what he could mean, i guess, is he was both scared to be with daneel but also knew she was the one for him. which....ok. alright. *TINHAT BACK ON* first off, there’s absolutely no risk with daneel. that’s not a judgement, because i love her; it’s just true. she’s a pretty, talented, amazing woman and they are very much in love. i’m not sure what risks he’s taking there. next up: pretty strange wording then, don’t you think? idk, if it were you, and you wanted to get that point across, wouldn’t you use words like ‘she both scared me and i knew i wanted to be with her at the same time’ and NOT this convoluted mess of ‘there’s two types of people and they are both drastically different but also one and the same’? 

SECOND OF ALL, as many people have pointed out.....he never uses pronouns. this is strange. jared does. jared says gen’s name, even. and uses ‘she’ and ‘her’. jensen never once does that, he practically refuses to do so. and yes, i fully believe it is entirely intentional.

because if you look at this phrase from a cockles lens it makes more sense then if you do not. 

the one that jensen knows, unequivocally, with the utmost certainty, is the one for him, no doubts, no risks; is daneel. the one that he doesn’t know about, is scared of being with, but is willing to take that leap of faith anyway; is misha. and all of a sudden the puzzle pieces fall into place.

because he goes on to say “I kind of find myself in between both of those.” 

he doesn’t say ‘i find myself in between both of those...with her.’ nope. he’s just...in between. caught in the middle. of those two types of people. translation: of those two people. mish. dee. 

“And it can be a scary endeavour, and it will certainly have it’s ups and downs, but I think it’s a bond, and it’s a connection, and it’s a friendship, and it’s a ride, and it’s a journey...” 

every single one of those words can be applied to more than one person. think about it. bond(between three people). connection(between three people). friendship(between three people!!!). there’s no ‘partnership’ in here, which does only apply to two people. 

lastly, “i’m glad i picked the partner and the teammate that i have.”

ok, look. you can easily say that it’s just one person he’s talking about here! of course you can. but this is jensen ackles we’re talking about. jensen ‘rock and pebble’ ackles. jensen ‘mish. dee.’ ackles. so yes. i definitely think that ‘the partner and the teammate’ fall into this category. and i think daneel is the partner and misha is the teammate. 

to put it matter-of-factly: you simply cannot prove that this isn’t about a poly relationship. there is absolutely nothing he says that makes it obvious he is talking about one person here. because he isn’t. 

i just feel like, in the simplest terms, if this were about only daneel, that he would not be using these weird phrases that are half-hidden truths. just to compare, i watched another panel where pretty much the exact same question was asked, minus the whole ‘the one’ debacle, and, just as i suspected, it was an entirely different answer. he talks about the moment where he knew he liked her. her, specifically. says the name daneel. gushes about her. there’s no tiptoeing and weird pronoun usage and vague terminology. 

tl; dr : i think he answered the question this way because there is no ‘the one’ in his life. and he is physically incapable of leaving misha out when talking about ‘the one’ because he has TWO ‘the ones’. and he wants to answer the question to the best of his best ability, but lying is unnatural to him. he will talk about daneel at length and misha at length, but i honestly to my core don’t think you could make him choose between the two. oh! and we literally had confirmation all the way back in fucking 2016, we just never paid attention until now. so......thanks, jensen?

sorry, this got super long, but i hope i warned you well enough. 

[an-emovision]

❞𝕃𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕃𝕚𝕜𝕖 𝕐𝕠𝕦❞ - 𝕋𝕒𝕞𝕒𝕜𝕚 𝔸𝕞𝕒𝕛𝕚𝕜𝕚

~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀ A/N: Hi! so uhhhh had this in my drafts, im gonna post it and pretend i like it because thats how i roll. I love tamaki so much please. again, art isnt mine, credits to the original artist (idk who it is, if you know then please tell me so i can give credit) neewayz enjoy! Trigger Warnings(s): Fluff(?)  ~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀~̴̡͉̞̈́̀ ❞𝐴𝑛𝑑 𝑖'𝑚 𝑛𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝐿𝑜𝑜𝑘 𝑎𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑔𝑜 𝑖 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑎𝑑𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑖 𝑤𝑖𝑠ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑖 𝑘𝑛𝑒𝑤 𝑤ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑚𝑎𝑘𝑒𝑠 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑘 𝑖𝑚 𝑠𝑜 𝑠𝑝𝑒𝑐𝑖𝑎𝑙❞ --------- You were a very outgoing person, very cheery and kind, always willing to talk to people and make friends. The almost exact opposite of Amajiki and yet he just couldn't seem to stop himself from falling for you. Every day he always found himself stealing glances of you in class, occasionally the two would lock eyes. You'd smile that brilliantly bright smile of yours and make Amajikis stomach do back flips and his heart flutter, he would always turn away before any further contact could be made. On one particular day Nejire had asked you to sit with the big three at lunch, to which you happily agreed to. Amajiki almost had a melt down when Nejire had told him, to which Mirio patted him on the back giving him a "you got this dude!" a grin, and a thumbs up. It made the poor boy feel...slightly better but as you approached them in the cafeteria Amajiki tried his best to keep himself together. Why did you have to be so attractive? how dare you, it was unfair really. He just couldn't take his eyes off you, confidence radiated from your form. Mirio once told him that if he waited to long that someone would steal you, Nejire agreed. You were after all one of the most popular students at UA, not only was your quirk amazing and your fighting skills godly but your looks where beyond words, Amajiki was painfully aware of these facts. "Hi guys!" You grinned and Tamaki almost fainted. "Glad you could join us!" Nejire smiled as she took you by the wrist and dragged you to their lunch table, you couldn't help but giggle at her excitement as she asked you a bunch of questions about you and your quirk. Most of the quirk questions she asked she most likely already knew the answer to, you four being in the same class and all. Nejire took a seat next to Mirio, across from you and Amajiki. "Soooo Y/N...Do you have a crush on anybody?" Nejire asked suddenly, making you choke on the tea you where sipping on. "I-I uh-" You tried to avoid looking at Nejires grinning features, she already knew the answer to her question. Of course you did and it was none other then the boy you where sitting next to, you didn't answer her question, simply coughed and continued to sip on your drink. She sucked her teeth, unsatisfied with your answer, if you could even call it that. Mirios eyes wandered to Nejire then to Tamaki who was silently eating his food, his face was beet red at how close you and him were, your shoulders where brushing against each other. Then Mirio looked at you, whos cheeks were dusted with a light shade of pink as you tried to brush off the last conversation topic. He rolled his eyes and had to fight the urge to just blurt out that the two of you should date each other already. Soon the lunch bell rang and it was time to head back to class, Amajiki let out a soft sigh as the four of you started heading to your shared classroom, you and Nejire chatting about a show that she had starting watching recently. Mirio fell behind them a bit so he could walk beside Tamaki. "So, When are you gonna tell them?" He asked, knowing full well that it would take some sort of miracle to get Amajiki to confess to his crush of two years. The shorter gave a small shrug before slipping his hands into his pockets. "I-I don't know...Really i don't think i ever will. " He again let out a gentle, almost sad sigh "I dont think i'm good enough for them, they're so amazing." "Aw come on Tamaki! you're part of the big three!" Mirio gently nudged him with his elbow, to which Tamakjis eyes wandered to the opposite direction. "They think you're awesome" "Well yeah but they're right behind us on the list of top students" Amajiki informed him. It was true, you were almost part of the big three yourself but you ended up failing a test by 6 points and getting knocked to fourth. You didn't mind, you where pretty comfortable in your spot. "What're you guys talkin' about?" Nejire asked, walking backwards and looking at them with the same sweet smile she always had gracing her soft features. "How awesome Y/N is" Mirio patted Amajikis back, making him let out a soft hum. You tilted your head "Oh yeah? im honored." You smiled "You guys are way cooler then i am." Nejire giggled, Tamaki stiffened at her sudden question "So which of our quirks is your favorite, Y/N?" You hummed, tapping your chin for a moment. Tamaki expected you to say Nejires quirk seeing as you two have been friends since you both stepped into class 1-A in your 1st year at UA. "I think Amajikis quirk is the coolest" You smiled to him, Tamaki noticed and then you smiled it was as if your eyes where smiling to, his heart practically exploded, barely able to get out a 'thank you'. You giggled at his shyness, finding it adorable as always. Nejire couldn't help but giggle at the two of you, Mirios grin widened as he two watched you to. "Nice choice Y/N" Nejire smiled as she took you by the hand as you four made it to class, seeing as you and her sat next to each other she lead you to your seats, ready to take on the rest of your day you sat down as class began. As the end of the day rolled around you stretched as you made your way to the front of your dorm building. You had some homework to do as well as some studying, then you thought you could train a bit then- You had bumped into someone, not to hard it just startled you a bit as you where to deep in thought, planning out the rest of your day. You quickly bowed "I'm so sorry I wasn't paying atten-...Amajiki? what're you doing here?" You had bumped into Tamaki, not only that but he was standing in front of your dorm room. "O-Oh I uh- I-I" He stumbled harshly through his words, on top of that he was mumbling. You noticed a small piece of folded paper in his slightly trembling hands and smiled, just as you noticed it he stopped mumbling and actually spoke up a bit. "I-I just- I wanted t-to give this to you" he held out the slip of paper, avoiding eye contact with you at all costs. You gently took the paper from him but before you could get another word out he scurried down the hall and disappeared around the corner. You watched him leave, letting out a small chuckle before unlocking your door and walking in, closing the door behind you with your foot and gently setting your school bag down. The day before, after class Mirio had suggested to Amajiki that he should write you a letter if he couldn't just out right tell you. "Like...A love letter?" Tamaki tilted his head. He didn't know how he felt about that, his writing skills weren't bad he just dreaded having to wait for your response, not only that but even considering rejection as a factor made him wanna puke. "Don't worry, i'm like 90% sure that even if they do reject you they'll be nice about it" Mirio gave a thumbs up as he finally convinced Amajiki to start on the letter that could make or break him. It was a huge deal, you were his first ever crush and he never thought in a million years he would be confessing to you. "They're nice about everything" Tamaki mumbled as he continued to write his letter. Miro chuckled and nodded in agreement. "Exactly, you have nothing to worry about." Tamaki wondered why he was so confident about this, maybe Mirio knew you would turn him down? Thinking about that being a possibility created a pit of nervousness in his stomach. Really it was the opposite, Mirio knew you would say yes, he was just excited to finally see his favorite ship finally become a couple. Back to the present you took a seat on your bed before unfolding the note and beginning to read it. Your eyes where wide as saucers when you finished reading it, the final sentence replaying in your mind at least a hundred times "Will you go out with me?"Butterflies invaded your stomach and your cheeks flushed, you decided to give him your answer tomorrow, wanting it to sink in that the boy you've had a crush on since the dawn of time liked you back. Amajiki was dying in his room as he awaited your answer, Mirio who had come over to study with him was laughing his ass off at the boys struggle. The next day you where standing in front of Amajikis dorm room with both Mirio and Nejire at your side, they had their phones out ready to take pictures of this momentous occasion. You took a deep breath before gently knocking on his door three times, it took him a moment or two before he opened the door, he immanently stiffened as he locked eyes with you. Bracing himself for rejection he waited for it but all he heard were the words he had been wanting to hear for the past two years "I like you to Amajiki" Nejire squealed and clapped as Mirio laughed "finally oh my god" Mirio said crossing his arms. Amajiki stood frozen, having to register what just happened, after coming to the conclusion that the love of his life did indeed just agree to date him he felt a sudden rush of adrenaline and pulled you towards him by the wrist, placing his slightly quivering lips against your silky smooth ones. Nejire practically screamed as she took about a thousand pictures, Mirio looked away jokingly acting disgusted but he couldn't hold back his happiness for his friends, they found love and he was beyond proud of Amajiki for going through with his plan.   Your eyes where wide and your face was crimson by the time Amajiki pulled away. He started to apologize profusely as he realized what he just did, which resulted in you having to tell him it was fine over and over again. The two where walking together hand in hand as you made your way to class, as shy as he may be he still wanted everyone in the world and their mother know that you belonged to him now and nothing walking this Earth was going to change that. 

[adorethedistance]

READING MY BOYFRIEND’S FANFICTION?? - Owen Joyner x Influencer!Reader

JATP masterlist

Requested: OMGGG!! Could you do a an Owen fic based around his girlfriend being an armature youtuber/social media influencer (shes also an actress and they met on set and have been dating for a while) and it’s “reading/reacting to my boyfriend’s fanfiction” ? You can do whatever you want with the fanfic part it’s just a concept that has been running around in my head for a while. LOVE ALL YOUR WORK!!

Warnings: swearing, allusions to sex, very mild

Words: 1460

A/N: A fic?? From Ace?? Hi. I’m off spring break officially and so my stress has dissipated immensely. School was becoming so much these last two weeks and I thought I’d be stressed or worried, but I’m actually fine? It’s weird lol so I decided I could be productive with my stress-free moment and post a little fic for y’all. I love this prompt, and before any of you writers panic, I’m using my own fics for the fanfictions because I wouldn’t want to put y’all on the spot like that. Also this is my 3000 post! thought that was cool lol

“Do you wanna do the intro?”

“I think I have to do the intro.”

“Okay, go for it.”

“Alright,” Owen sighs out a heavy breath in exaggerated preparation for my (some would say lengthy) intro. “Hello, hi. Yes, okay, this is Y/n Y/l/n vlogs, welcome or welcome back to my channel!” Once Owen finishes his statement I’m so stunned I can’t generate any sort of response other than a slacked jaw semi smile.

“That was not even close. Do you know my intro?”

“I got the first part right!”

“You’ve lost intro privileges,” I turn back to the mess of lights and tripods in front of me and ignore the disaster of an intro Owen offered. “Oh, hello, hi! I am Y/n and this is: Reading My Boyfriend’s Fanfiction!”

“That’s basically what I did.”

“No, it is not! It’s ‘oh, hello, hi. I am ‘name’ and this is: ‘title of video’.”

“You don’t ‘welcome to my channel’?” Owen’s voice has dropped to a hushed volume as he genuinely inquires about the segments of my usual introduction.

“I do not.”

“Don’t use any of this,” he pleads when making direct eye contact with the camera. “Mister Sid. Editing Sid, please don’t embarrass me.” His pleas fall on deaf ears, knowing that I’ll be using the footage in full.

“Anyways. Butchered intro aside, I am Y/n and today I am here with my lovely “So Many Stars” costar and scene partner, Owen Joyner!”

“I’m also your boyfriend.”

“That too,” I give Owen’s pointed comment a soft place to land, “So, yesterday--it was actually like, two weeks ago, I don’t know why I said yesterday--a little while back, I came across a tweet telling me someone had written a fanfic about us-”

“Did you read it?”

“On Wattpad. Of course, I read it. There are only three chapters up right now and they’re all in the 2-3k range so it was a quick read.”

“2-3k?”

“Words,” I reply nonchalantly as I unlock my phone. I bookmarked a few one-shots beforehand for us to read, and I’m slightly cocky about my selections. Owen then responds with an outburst of shock.

“2-3 thousand words is a short read?” I merely give him a blank stare.

“Judging by that reaction, Owen hasn’t read any fanfics in his life.”

“Is that not long to you- That’s what she said.” Owen cuts me off with his own stupid joke and I briefly sigh before answering.

“No, that isn’t long. Baby, I’m here for that 130k slow burn enemies to lovers on AO3 with the ‘only one bed’ and ‘locked in a closet’ tropes.”

“The what?”

“Oh, we have so much to catch you up on.”

__________________________

“So I saved three fics, an angst, a fluff, and a smut. Which do you want to read?”

“Wait, what does that mean?”

“Oh my- okay. Angst is the sad shit, it’s what you read when you need your heartbroken and a good cry. Smut is pretty much in the name, it’s explicit content that will undoubtedly get this video demonetized, but that’s okay because we do have a sponsor. And fluff is the cute moments, domestic and sometimes mundane romance that makes you smile like an idiot and put the device down to screech into a pillow.” Throughout my whole explanation, I can tell Owen was becoming more and more lost, so I opt to give him a few moments to collect his thoughts.

“Let’s start with the fluff just to ease into things.”

“Smart choice. This fic I have saved is called ‘Baby Fever’ and the summary says ‘you and Owen spend a day at the zoo babysitting Baby Shada, and her presence sparks conversation about adding a new presence of your very own’.”

“That sounds so ominous.”

“Here, I’ll read the narration and reader’s POV, and then you’ll read your own dialogue.” Owen nods and leans over my right shoulder to read off of my computer screen.

“You actually start the fic.”

“‘You ready, little one?’” The instantaneous actor mode Owen slips into has me howling with laughter at which he looks at me confused. My gasping for air makes Owen laugh empathetically despite still being unsure as to what’s killing me at the moment.

“Why are you laughing?!” He yells, dramatically shaking my shoulder.

“Just the way you jumped into that, I wasn’t prepared for you to turn on the acting charm. Okay, uhhhh, ‘I bite back a laugh when I hear Owen’s voice coo from the back seat’.”

The two of us go back and forth between reading the narrative, bouts of laughter, commentary on the accuracy of Owen’s character, and we finally manage to finish the 2.5k fic in about forty minutes.

“‘When he looks up from CJ’s tiny body and recognizes the familiar ‘baby fever’ look in my eyes, he smiles and utters a simple-’.”

“‘I told you so.’”

“That was cute! I like the tie-in of having us watching over Baby Shada- or, sorry, you and ‘y/n’ watching over Baby Shada.”

“They wrote me kinda funny, I don’t think I’d ever fabricate a life to make conversation with a stranger due to baby fever.” My jaw drops slightly and before Owen can respond to my reaction, I cry,

“That is such a lie!”

“What?”

“You absolutely would do something like that, are you kidding me?!”

“No, I would not!” Owen punctuates every word with the utmost offense. He has the same look in his eye as when he was proving himself to be the cleanest phantom of the three on the Sunset Drive podcast.

“You literally told the guy at Home Depot yesterday that we were buying plants for our child’s nursery!”

“Okay, that’s different-”

“How is that different? That’s the exact same thing as fanfic you!” Owen’s furrowed brow and dropped jaw are a sight to be seen as he leans away from me, bending at the waist to stare at me with defiance. I raise my eyebrows pointedly as I await a response. Instead of actually producing a response, Owen lunges forward, grabbing my waist in his hands and squeezing gently. The feeling makes me screech and gasp of laughter from surprise and also being ticklish.

“Owen! Owe-STOP, I’m gonna drop my laptop!” I manage to say through my laughter and with one final grab, he releases me from his hold. It takes a minute for my laughter to settle but once I do, the two of us are simply breathing heavy and staring at one another with giddy smiles on our faces. In a moment’s clarity, I turn to look into the camera lens to talk directly to my editor,

“Sid, don’t use any of this. And please don’t cut to this after we finish reading to make it look like- things were happening.”

“Actually, I think you should, Sid. Just cut to right there and make the world think we-”

“OKAY, thanks for watching, bye!” I quickly stop the recording before Owen says something we’re unable to recover from. I hear him laugh gently behind me as I set my laptop down on the coffee table behind the tripod. Coming back to the couch, I move to plop down but before landing successfully on the cushion next to my phone, Owen grabs my body and moves me to sit on top of him.

“You are crazy, you know that?”

“Hmm. Crazy for you, maybe.” His cheesy line makes me scoff but smile nonetheless. I reach my right hand up to caress the side of his face as we sit cheek to cheek.

“Remind me to never film with you again.” The gesture is sweet and the sentiment is not which makes Owen laugh and he presses a soft kiss to my cheek. I lean back into him so my back is pressed flush with his chest as he lazily wraps both arms around me.

“You say that now but you’ll regret it when you wanna do a ‘boyfriend does my makeup’ challenge video.”

“Nah. I’ll just call Charlie to-” Without allowing me to finish my sentence, Owen is digging his fingertips back into the tissue of my sides and I squeal with laughter once more. This time the torment is short-lived and Owen releases me after a sweet, reconciling kiss. “Do you have baby fever now?”

“It was cute and all, but not really, no.”

“That’s too bad,” I stand up from my spot on his lap to grab my computer and hold it to my chest, “I was gonna say we could practice some baby-making.”

And with that, I turned on the balls of my feet, heading for my bedroom when I heard Owen stand up eagerly, quick to follow.

***

Taglist: @caitsymichelle13​ @kaitlyn2907​ @itz-jas​ @crybabyddl​ @kcd15​ @kinda-really-lost​ @calamitykaty​ @morganayennefertyrell@n0wornever​ @dream-a-little-bigger-x​ @mrstodorooki@vicesvsvirturesfanfic @curlybrownhairedboys​ @amazinggracy​ @kaitieskidmore1​ @asdfghjkl-fanfics​ @ghostlygreenbean​ @juliefromaustralia @merceret​ @jemimah-b99​ @ifilwtmfc​ @thesweetestsinner​ @imsydneywalker​ @lovesanimals​ @thebloodthirstyvampress​ @bumbleberry-pie​ @losers-club6​ @tefilovesreading​ @dmcfarland1​@joynerxmercer @kexrtiz​ @talk-on-the-street​ @phantompogues​ @konciousdreamer​ @sunsetcurvej​ @warmnesss0ul​

[halloweenhoneylover]

the struggle bus

summary: spencer is the kindest human alive, which makes things tough for the reader :/ (spencer reid x fem!reader)

word count: 5.3k (a doozy kinda!)

warnings: i guess angst, but really just idiots in love (my fav trope). reader is kind of a hot mess. also, mention of overdose via multivitamin.

author’s note: hi, it’s been approx 4000 years since i last posted, but it’s just because i have no concept of ‘efficiency’ or ‘speed.’ but it’s okay. some of this is good, some of this is eh, make of that what you will. also, this is supposed to be #funny sometimes so uhhhh, keep that in mind. ALSO, the title is majorly stupid, but it was the title of the google doc, and i couldn’t think of anything else......anyways, love u!

For once, the bullpen was quiet.

Spencer was immersed in some case file, doing some work that you should have probably been doing as well, but it was approaching the late hours of the night, and you would barely be able to keep your eyes open if you came even close to trying to read or write. Your desks were situated against each other, so you shifted your gaze across the small divider to him. His sharp features were softened in the lamplight, a sight that tugged on your heartstrings, and you took a moment to just look at him. Most everyone else was gone or was too focused on getting their work done to pay attention to your reverie. Derek, if he were here, would dub you as ‘lovesick’ and shoot mischievous smirks and wiggling eyebrows in your direction, but luckily for you, he was not. Twisting carelessly in your chair with your feet propped on the desk, you chewed absentmindedly on a pen, lost deep in thought. “Hey, Spencer?”

“Yeah?” He continued scribbling on the file without so much as a glance towards you, but that was perfectly fine by you, more time for not-creepy staring.

“How many of my vitamins do you think I could eat before I died?”

At this, he furrowed his brow and neatly laid his pen down.

“That depends on what vitamin you’re taking. If you’re talking about iron supplements, the limit is somewhere around 20mg of elemental iron per kilogram of body weight. Any more than that will have incredibly unpleasant side effects like abdominal pain, persistent vomiting, rapid breathing, and coma. However, if you’re talking about Vitamin C, it’s virtually impossible to overdose, but you might get a bad headache if you supersede 2000 mg.”

“Okay, what about my gummy vitamins?”

He narrowed his eyes at you. “While it still depends on what vitamins are included, eating a whole bottle of your typical multivitamin could easily result in death.”

You mulled this over. “So, I should definitely not go home and eat the rest of my gummy vitamins tonight?”

Spencer chuckled, “I’m not a medical doctor, but yes, I’d recommend that you don’t do that.”

Tossing your head back and letting out a small groan, you protested, “But Spencer, my gummy vitamins taste so good! And I have no food at home, so I guess I either die by overdose on gummy multivitamins or starvation.”

He couldn’t help but grin at your melodrama. It could be 12:06 in the morning, and you could still somehow make him laugh. He was starting to understand that he was in too deep, but he also had the startling realization that he didn’t mind drowning if it was in you. 

“You’ve got quite the predicament on your hands there, (Y/N). Maybe you should go grocery shopping with me the next time I suggest it, so you don’t end up in this situation again.”

“Oh my god, dude!” you moaned. “I told you I was actually busy; I had to take Oscar to the vet for his vaccines! I try to be a good mother to my dog, and you know I’m not an anti-vaxxer. I’d never decline time with my favorite guy without a good reason.”

Spencer’s heart was doing somersaults at the thought of him being your favorite guy. He’d won plenty of awards and medals in his lifetime, but somehow, none of those measured up to the accomplishment of being your favorite. Pride and butterflies boiled in his stomach. 

“Alright, fine, I’ll let it slide this time.”

You snorted, “I appreciate your unmatched benevolence, Dr. Reid.” Locking eyes with him, you tried to dampen the lava flow of heat in your chest that erupted when he looked at you with the softest expression you’d ever seen, but you failed miserably. You had to clear your throat and look away; it was becoming all too much. “Hey, I’m gonna run to the restroom. Don’t leave without me!”

As you dashed away, a thought crossed Spencer’s mind, and he stood up and set off down the opposite hallway.

You returned a few minutes later to an empty bullpen which made you frown, and your heart sank. You had thought he was going to wait, but guess not. Sighing, you tried to not let it sting too badly when you noticed a light on in JJ’s office. You knocked and pushed the already ajar door with a quick hello? before being met with an exhausted-looking JJ.

“Hey, (Y/N). I thought everyone had left by now.”

“Nope, not quite yet,” you replied, offering a weak smile. JJ noticed and wrote it off as fatigue. “You didn’t happen to see Spencer leave a couple minutes ago, did you?”

“Uh, no, I thought he’d gone too.”

“Hm, okay, thanks anyway!”

You prepared to leave, but she stopped you, cocking her head. “Why do you ask? Is he still here?”

Leaning your head against the doorframe, you sighed. “I’m not sure. He was here when I went to the bathroom, but he wasn’t at his desk when I came back. I’m a little disappointed. We always walk out together because we’re both afraid of the parking garage at night.”

A grin simmered on JJ’s face at that fact. “Well, I could walk you out if you’d like?”

“Nah, that’s okay; I don’t want to bother you.”

There was something behind JJ’s eyes you couldn’t identify as she replied, “Alright, then. Just let me know if you change your mind.” She definitely wasn’t thinking about how you didn’t want her intruding on a you-and-Spencer tradition. Not that she minded! She’d been rooting for you both since the minute you’d stepped into the BAU, and Spencer had looked like he was about ready to melt into the floor at the sight of such a pretty girl.

“Thanks, Jayje.”

Dragging your feet a little, you made your way back to your desk to gather your things, trying to fend off the disappointment. You had gotten your jacket on and were about to pick up your bag when you heard a (Y/N)! from down the hall. Well, that was certainly not JJ. Hesitantly, you called out, “Spencer?”

He finally emerged with his arms loaded with...something, you couldn’t discern what in the dim light. His face lit up like the Vegas strip when he saw you. “(Y/N)! I didn’t want you starving or eating all of your vitamins, so I went down to the vending machine and got you a couple snacks!” Arriving at his desk, he dropped the various bags and packets on his desk, and your eyes widened immensely.

“A couple? Dude, did you buy out the whole machine?”

Slightly breathless from his quick jog back, he waved a dismissive hand. “It was nothing. And hey, look!” He picked up a bag. “Fruit snacks! Just like your vitamins, but without the part where you get really sick.”

You were astonished, to say the least. And minorly speechless too, as evidenced by your mouth that was gaping like a fish. “Spencer...this is so nice. You really didn’t have to.”

“Don’t worry about it; I’m sure you would’ve done the same for me.”

At that, your face nearly split in two, and he mirrored your grin. You thought you might pass out at his kindness, and you knew you’d be thinking about this every day for the next two weeks at least. Your expression then turned mischievous, as you tried to tamp down all of the warmth bubbling in your stomach. “Do you want to help me try to fit all this in my bag?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

——— 

Garcia had been practicing her ukulele peacefully when she got the call.  (Well, ‘peacefully’ might have been a stretch as she had threatened to smash the object on her coffee table when she simply could not get the finger picking pattern she’d practiced for what seemed like hours, but it was supposed to be a relaxing hobby, so yes, it was peaceful.) Huffing a sigh of relief when the caller ID said [(Y/N/N)!!] with the longest stream of heart emojis and not [hotch >:( ], she picked up with her usual air of cheer. “What can I do ya for, my loveliest, most bewitching—”

She was cut off abruptly by the sounds of your horrible, heart-wrenching sobs, and her brows furrowed in concern. “Oh no, my sweet! What’s wrong?” She had to wait a few moments for your tears to calm (somewhat) while you tried to wrangle in your breath, so you could form some sort of sentence.

“Penny!”—gasp—“Oh my God,”—hiccup—“it looks so bad!” With your last word, you tumbled into incoherent bawling once again.

“Dear, what looks so bad?” She held her phone between her ear and her shoulder as she began to gather up her things. Whatever was wrong, it was clear you needed some good, old-fashioned Garcia TLC, and she was ready to give it.

The sniffling subsided minorly, and you choked out, “Remember when we were talking the other day, and I mentioned that my hair had gotten a little too long for my liking?” Oh no, Garcia could see where this was going. “Well, I figured I’d spend our evening off getting my hair cut, and I went to that new hairdresser, and oh Penelope, it looks awful. I don’t think I can ever go out in public again.” With that, your tears resumed.

“Darling, you know I’ve been where you are, and I know it seems bad right now, but everything will be fine. Let me grab my scissors and I’ll be over faster than you can say, ‘Penny, I love you so much, you truly are my fairy godmother.’”

You paused before whispering into the phone, “Penelope, I do love you so much, and you are my fairy godmother. But please, hurry.”

And hurry, she did.

Garcia was knocking on your door a little over five minutes later, which was incredibly suspicious because she lived at least 10 minutes away on a good day, but in the state of your disarray, you were not inclined to care. She sat you down on the toilet in your bathroom, whipping out her hair care set (she had definitely spent a significant amount of time dabbling in cosmetology, and it was desperate times like this when it came in handy). Squeezing your eyes shut through most of it, she snipped here and there, trying to make the best of this...horribly atrocious cut (seriously, that hairdresser should be sued), and when she was finished, it was not as bad as when they started, but it still wasn’t great. The rest of the evening was spent watching cheesy rom-coms and baking in an attempt to get your mind off of your hair.

Everything was mostly fine until the next morning, when you realized you’d have to go into work like this, and as terrifying as that prospect was in a normal work environment, you also worked in a place with an abnormal amount of hot people. (And you happened to be developing feelings for one of those hot people, but your brain was insistent upon ignoring that for the time being.)

Already anticipating your worries, Penelope had sent a text without your knowledge to a BAU group chat that excluded you (she had one of these for every member, it just made surprise birthday party planning so much easier).

[penelope :)] please DO NOT MENTION (Y/N)’S HAIR!!!! she got a bad haircut and she feels really terrible about it and doesn’t want to think about it so do not talk about it!!!

[jennifer!] Oh, no! :( Lips are sealed!

[rossi ;)] rip.

Emerging from the elevator in the nicest work outfit you own (an attempt to distract from the monstrosity), you scurried to Garcia’s lair before anyone could see you. Once inside, you slammed the door shut, and leaning against it, you slid down and covered your face with the files in your hands. “Pennyyyyy,” you moaned. “I don’t think I can do this!”

She swiveled to face you with a look of empathy. “Sugar, I know you can. It—it doesn’t even look that bad!” But Garcia was a horrible liar, and if looks could kill, she would have been dead instantaneously. 

Heaving yourself up off the floor, you came to sit in the seat next to her. “Can’t I just work in here today? And maybe for the rest of time?”

“You know I would love that, but those other lovely people on our team need you! Especially the young doctor, you know he’d be lonely without you.”

As if her mention had summoned him, Reid opened the door to their secret meeting, files in hand, and your eyes nearly jumped out of their sockets. Garcia stared at him very intensely, attempting to telepathically tell him to not mention the hair, and you looked like a deer in the headlights, trying to figure out a way to hide yourself from him and possibly the entire universe. And poor Reid shifted his gaze between the two of you, helplessly confused as to what he had walked into. “Am I interrupting something?”

“Uh, no!” Garcia said in the least convincing manner.

“Okay,” he responded, not convinced in the slightest. “I just came to give you some files from Hotch.” So, he handed Garcia the papers and then turned to leave when you caught his eye. 

And because he was not the greatest with technology, Spencer had not checked his phone that morning…. Meaning he had not seen Garcia’s text. So he looked at you a moment and cocked his head. “Your hair looks really nice today, (Y/N). Did you get it cut?”

This time, it was Garcia’s turn to glare (because read your texts, dammit!), and you fumbled for a response. As you scanned his face, searching for a sign that he was lying, that he was just saying something to make you feel better, you came up empty. He was telling the truth. He genuinely thought your hair looked nice. “Um, uh—yeah. Yeah, I did. Thanks for noticing.”

“You’re welcome.” He offered you a smile, which you returned easily (a fact that surprised you). “See you.” Retreating from the office because the vibes in there were weird, he shut the door, finally leaving you and Garcia alone again. 

You were reeling.

You thought about when you had gotten dressed that morning, and you had entertained each outfit with great scrutiny, trying to come up with something that might draw attention away from your hair. In that half hour you’d spent, you had realized that you didn’t really mind looking bad in front of Morgan or Emily or Hotch or really anyone on the team. Almost anyone. With an increasing amount of discomfort, you had realized you didn't want to look bad in front of Spencer. Of course, he’d never judge you, but you wanted to look good for him. For your best friend.

And he told you your hair looked nice.

You smiled to yourself.

Garcia turned to you with a look of shock on her face. Had that been anyone else, she was sure you would have curled up in a ball beneath her desk and would not have left until every single other person had left the Federal Bureau of Investigation, but you hadn’t, and she smirked.

Oh, she knew where this was going.

——— 

To put it lightly, it had not been the best of mornings. 

It seemed that everything that could’ve gone wrong did, so you burst past the glass doors of the BAU six minutes late with a coffee-covered shirt, mud-stained pants, soggy shoes, and a most miserable attitude. Hotch, while a sympathetic man, was still your boss with rules to follow and when you stumbled into the bullpen, gave a pointed stare between you and the clock, and you nodded sullenly. You understood his silent admonition, but knowing that he was even slightly disappointed in you, made your knees want to buckle. Swallowing around the slug in your throat, you set your bag down beside your chair and noticed a foreign object sitting on your desk. Interest thoroughly piqued, you reached forward to find it was a book with a satin ribbon tied on it.

It truly was a beautiful book with a deep crimson hardcover and the kind of deckled edges that you loved. Running your fingers along the rough-hewn pages, you finally noted the title, and you gasped. Beloved by Toni Morrison. Your favorite. The cursive words curved in black on the cover to match the ribbon, and you carefully traced the curling letters, wondering where this gorgeous book could have come from.

In the desk across from yours, Spencer watched the scene in front of him with a grin. He couldn’t help but feel pleased at the look of awe on your face as you inspected the book with careful fingers and a gentle gaze, and his heart swelled more and more the longer he looked. “Did you know that Margaret Garner, the woman the character Sethe is based on, her trial was used as part of an effort to dismantle the Fugitive Slave Act?” Your eyes flickered up to meet his, and those stupid freaking butterflies erupted in the pit of your stomach as you realized who had gifted you the book. “The presiding judge didn’t accept her lawyer’s argument that the act violated the right to religious freedom, but it was still somewhat of a turning point in the movement to strike down the law.”

“I did not know that, but thank you. For the fact and the book.”

“You’re welcome.” He had to avert his eyes from your strong gaze because he thought he might melt otherwise.

“Please don’t misinterpret this as me being ungrateful because I’m so, so thankful, but why?”

He shrugged, “I was just in the book store, and it made me think of you.” No, he didn’t keep an eye out specifically for this book on his weekly trip to the bookstore by his apartment after you had briefly mentioned your love of Ms. Morrison’s metaphors. And he definitely didn’t ask the owner Alice if she would let him know if she ever got any new copies.

Frankly, you were at a loss for words. Combing back through your conversations with him, you tried to remember when you had talked about the book, but you couldn’t come up with anything other than a couple words tossed briefly here and there. Suppose it wasn’t really the fact that he had heard, but the fact that he had listened. He listened and remembered things about you, little things tucked in the back of his brain, and it was how he thought about you even when you weren’t around. So, you clutched the book to your chest tightly as if it could meld with your heart and let your thoughts rage with the implications for a minute before smothering your mushy grin and tucking the book into your bag.

(Later, you pulled it out on your ride home on the metro. Spencer had already gotten off at his stop a few minutes before, so you took this moment of solitude to revel in the glory of your new gift. Every time you smoothed a hand over the cover, your mind was overwhelmed with what-ifs. What if he felt the same? What if his stomach rumbled with the same butterflies when you looked at him? What if this means he likes you as more than…. And abruptly, you were doused in doubt once again, muzzling those dangerous, rearing hypotheticals. This was a path that would only lead to disappointment.

Those thoughts only got worse when you read his inscription, though:

Dear (Y/N/N),

I hope you find great joy in reacquainting yourself with the graces of Ms. Morrison’s elegant prose in this new copy. I was inspired by your praise and read this classic again, and I can say that I definitely understand your veneration of her story-telling. Hopefully, we can discuss it soon, so I can try to see all of the details that you so admire. You are always much better at appreciating the finer things in life.

She says that, “something that is loved is never lost.”

I hope you know that you will never be lost to me.

Sincerely,

Spencer

(P.S. I wrote this in pencil, so you can erase and have the clean copy you wanted.)

You would never erase it.)

——— 

“Hey, are you alright?”

You sat at your desk with your head in your hands. Your responding “no” came out muffled. 

Spencer frowned and sat on the edge of your desk. “Is there anything I can help with?”

Running your hands over your face, you finally met his gaze. His eyes were soft as they searched your own, and the expression on his face was not of pity or frustration but empathy, and of course, he was just being his sweet self. Your eyes watered in response, and his heart clenched at the sight. You shifted your eyes somewhere else, anywhere else. “Uh, no.”

It was clearly a lie.

Furrowing his brows at your obfuscation, he scanned your face for any indication of what might be the problem. A small sigh. He came up with nothing. “Alright,” he conceded hesitantly. “May I ask what is wrong?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

You stared down at the files neatly ordered on your desk, trying to mentally shoo him away with the sheer force of your willpower alone. But Spencer Reid was a stubborn man, and you knew this, and you also knew he wasn’t leaving until he knew you were alright. So, you both sat in the silence of the bullpen that only accompanied the arrival of midnight. The glow of your lamp bathed the vicinity in a warm yellow, and the tick of the nearby clock rattled around your chest as you attempted fruitlessly to subdue your incessant thoughts. He was close enough that you could hear the soft susurration of his exhales as his eyes flitted about the room to give you some sort of breathing room, and you shut yours for a moment to appreciate this moment of peace before the inevitable catastrophe to follow.

“I’m—uh, not okay.”

Finally turning back to you with a mildly surprised expression (he didn’t expect you to say anything so soon. Or so bluntly.), he offered you one of his signature tight-lipped smiles as encouragement to continue.

“I’m kind of really struggling…” you trailed off, gaze empty, ensnared in your thoughts.

Ever the gentleman with persistence that could last a thousand years, he gently prompted, “With…?”

A strong gulp and eyes squeezed shut. “With you.”

Well, that was not the answer Spencer was expecting. He felt like he’d had the wind knocked out of him, and he was hollow and shaken and in pain. Gaping, he fumbled hopelessly for an answer, trying to find some reason you could be upset with him. He had always thought you two were the best of friends; he’d never doubted that before. How could he have missed this?

Swallowing hard against the lump in his throat, he strained to ask, “Uh—um, what—what did I do?”

Upon witnessing his struggle, you quickly amended your previous statement. “No, no, no, no, no! I’m not mad at you, well, I kind of am, but you don’t need to feel bad, it’s not your fault.”

“I’m not really sure what to make of that.”

You huffed a sigh and covered your face with your hands in a poor attempt to try to hide the blush rapidly coloring your cheeks. “I’m sorry, I just—you’re so nice!”

Now Spencer was really confused. “You’re mad at me...because you think I’m nice?”

“Yes, Spencer! You’re so nice, and it makes me incredibly frustrated. You see this?” You picked up a book from your desk and waved it frantically. A little intimidated by your crazed look, he nodded timidly. “Do you recognize this book?”

“It’s a special edition of Beloved by Toni Morrison.”

“It’s the special edition of my favorite book that you bought for me because you know how much I love this book.”

Spencer looked like a deer in the headlights. “You always said that your book at home was so messy with your annotations and that a fresh copy would have been nice.”

“You didn’t even buy it for my birthday or a special occasion! You just saw it in the store and said that you thought of me and had to buy it. That’s so unbelievably thoughtful! Not to mention the fact that I can barely look at fruit snacks now without tearing up. And—and the other day! When I got my haircut, I hated it, but I came in the next day, and you were the first person to tell me you liked it. You weren’t even lying to make me feel better; I’m a profiler, and I know that you were telling the truth. And it took no effort or thought because Spencer, you are the most kind-hearted and compassionate and generous person I’ve ever met. You are so—so genuinely good. 

“No, you are the best. You are the best person I know,” you stated with finality, holding his stare with an unshakeable firmness. It was the first time you truly looked at him all night, and his heart felt like it was going to expand past his ribcage and burst open like a balloon. Your resolve melted though and your voice dropped to a near whisper. “And you’re not just nice. You’re nice to me. Which just makes it so hard.”

You deflated, withering into your seat.

“Makes what hard?”

“It makes it so much harder for me to not fall in love with you.”

Stunned silence. 

Until it was shattered by a hiccup, and Spencer finally noticed the tears leaking from the corner of your eyes, and he tried, he tried so hard to puzzle through all of this new information and the fact that you just admitted you’re falling in love with him, and for some reason, you’re crying? He couldn’t even get his stupid genius brain to come with a single word before you started stumbling into an apology. “I know that’s not what you want to hear because we’re supposed to be friends, and I know that you’re just a good person, so you’re nice to everyone. Believe me, I know. And I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable, but I couldn’t keep holding on to this by myself, and I knew if anyone would let me down easy, it’d be you.” You chewed on your lip and avoided his stare at all costs. “So, I’m sorry.” You sniffled. 

The quiet that followed weighed heavy on your chest, and you couldn’t seem to breathe. You had expected rejection; you hadn’t expected complete silence. And this was somehow so much more unbearable. In a voice so faint you weren’t even sure if he could hear, you begged, “Please say something.”

A beat.

“(Y/N), I love you.”

A whisper just barely verging on hopeful, “What?”

“(Y/N), I—I love you so much.” His heart felt like it was in his throat, and his voice broke slightly as he stood. “You’re the first person I think about when I get up in the morning, and you’re the last person before I fall asleep. I dread going home at the end of the day because you’re not there. When you’re not with me, even if you’re in the other room, it feels like I’ve forgotten something, and for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out what I was missing, but it was you. You consume my every thought, which is saying something because I think a lot. Actually, it’s kind of funny,” he chuckled somewhat morosely, “I truly cannot comprehend the fact that you don’t know how much I’ve liked you, how long I’ve loved you because it feels like it’s so obvious and so potent that it seeps out of me, whether I want it to or not.

“And I’m nice to you because no one else is more deserving of kindness. I’d be lucky if you let me be the one to remind you of that, everyday. Because you’re the best person I know.” You looked up at him with shining eyes and the meagerest beginnings of a smile, and he just beamed right back. With a creased brow, he ventured, “You’re my favorite person in the world, you know that, right?

Failing to suppress your growing grin, you nodded your head meekly. “Yeah, I know.”

“Good.”

Spencer felt pleased with himself until he remembered that he had forgotten the most important part. “Would you like to get dinner with me sometime? Like a date?”

Standing from your seat, you wrapped your arms around his neck and burrowed your face into his chest, and he immediately reciprocated, clutching you as close as he could. “I would love that.” It came out muffled, but he understood well enough as he pressed his face into your neck. And you stood like that for a few moments, just existing together, and for the first time in a long time, nothing hurt. There was no worry of unrequited yearning or pain of terrible pining; there were just two people who finally knew peace. Knew that the person they loved most in the world loved them back. Neither ever wanted to leave.

However, sometimes necessary duties like breathing take precedence, so you pulled back from him enough to finally claim some air. Your hands slid down his front, resting on his chest, his on your waist, and you just stared at him. The most beautiful face you’d ever seen looking right back at you with the same expression of awe that made you realize just how lucky you were. And slowly, hesitantly, you both leaned in ever so slightly with heads wavering and tension buzzing. Gingerly and sweetly. Neither could commit, but no one could pull away from fast-approaching revelation. 

Finally, a breath away.

“Can I kiss you?”

You nodded.

When your lips met, your chest heaved with your eager, romantic hopes and dreams bubbling up near your lungs, finally coming to fruition. His hands came up to caress your jaw, and you leaned into him. His touch was so gentle, but he also touched you with intention. For once in his life, Spencer Reid felt no hesitation, kissing the girl of his dreams. And you felt held by him. You were bursting at the seams of your existence, swollen with infatuation and tenderness, yet totally and completely encompassed by him. You could shatter into a million tiny, little pieces, and he would be there to collect every shard. How cheesy.

Both of you grinned into the kiss; the sickly sweet itch in your heart was contagious. You finally released him, and wanting to savor the moment, you tucked yourself into the crook of his neck, so his chin could rest on the crown of your head. “I love you a lot, Dr. Reid.”

He hummed in agreement.

It didn’t need saying.

[zet-sway]

@the-wip-project day 35:

I don't know what today's question is but I gotta write a wall of text about what happened last night because holy shit

I was on the verge of falling asleep and, like I usually do, I decided to hunt for some spicy fanfics to read on my phone. I found one.

All my posts are long but this one is real fucking long. CW for touching on dub-con and injury mentioned in the type of context it probably shouldn't be.

It's time for me to admit that not only am I a oneshot writer, I'm also a oneshot reader. I am drawn to short fanfics. If I click on a chaptered fic, it's (usually) because it's rated E for smut and I'll go in with every intention of skimming it for the spicy bits. I'm not proud of this. I've avoided saying this for years because I don't want to disappoint people who work hard on their very long and well thought out chaptered stories. I have a short attention span, and I know what I want.

But anyway, last night I clicked on a fic with 5 chapters and some amount of words, around 30k? Long, by my standards, but I was tired and I just wanted something to read while I dozed off.

This particular fic hooked me in, though. I still skimmed it, but the writing was so unique in a way that made me writhe with writer's envy and admiration. Whoever wrote this had their own language - nothing borrowed - their own vision.

I guess I should tell the good people who read my posts (ya'll, seriously, thank you) that the fic in topic is called Fault Lines by Recidiva on AO3. I would link to it but uhhhh I may be using my work PC for "extracurricular purposes" right this moment ^^; so maybe when I get home I'll remember to add it.

I skimmed it - like I said above - for the spicy parts. It generally follows the plot of Bioware's canon. Thane begins as possessive and manipulative, likely uncomfortably close to dub-con for a lot of people. He kisses her and knows full well that his kiss will make her willing but intoxicated, and how he will use that to fulfil himself. But as the story progresses, he falls in love. Their relationship is what I'll call "edgy." Both of them are renegades. There's a scene where they get down in the shuttle after a fight and they're both still injured and it borders on downright unrealistic but fuck it, it's fanfic and I bought it. However their relationship develops a certain heart-wrenching tenderness. She asks him what Siha means over and over again, and eventually tells him she thinks "bitch" when he says it. But in that moment they have a playful banter, he knows full well she's probably already looked it up on the extranet, and they fall into bed together. The smut is mind-boggling.

By the time it gets to Shepard's arrest, he's taken up a place on Earth and visits her, breaks into her house arrest. There's a scene where they see each other for the first time in a while, she tells him how much she's missed his mouth and how it's not right how bad she wants him, and wants him bad enough to smother him with affection. She says something to the effect of "if you're looking to die, I'd volunteer to be the cause," implying that her lust is powerful enough to endanger his life. And it was at this moment I realized I fucked up.

It's established that I live in my own headcanon and I'm not burdened with considering the end of Thane's life as part of my fics. And the suspension of disbelief was such that I forgot he doesn't make it. So at this moment in the fic, chapter 4 out of 5, I realized "Oh shit this isn't going to have a happy ending." I skipped to the end right away, I wanted to confirm my fears.

In their final exchange, she asks him to lie to her - something that's repeated in other chapters of the story. I forget what he says, I was reading desperately, but he asks her in return to tell him something true. She kisses him and tells him she loves him, and he breathes his last breath with the lingering tingle of their kiss to carry him to the other side.

I was so entrenched in the depth of their relationship up to that point. The level of fathomless love the author conveyed, unlike anything I've ever managed to write before, but more realistic to my own understanding of love as I've experienced it. Not because they're renegades, but just the selflessness with which they feel, communicate, banter, and make love.

When I read that last paragraph, something inside me broke. That sounds dramatic but that's honestly how I would describe it. It felt like waking up from a night terror, when you bolt up in bed from a dream so bad you immediately get up even if it's 4am because nothing feels real and you're so terrified you have to get up and do something - literally anything to take your mind off it, to ease you back into reality. I put my phone down and stared into the darkness of my bedroom and told myself "it's just a fanfic, no need to get upset." And then I started to cry and I didn't stop for 30 minutes.

My husband was downstairs watching Bohemian Rhapsody and I went down there and wrapped myself around him so tight and cried. Bless this man, from the bottom of my heart - bless him - for his unfathomable kindness. I felt like a fucking fool because I was crying over fanfiction but he paused his movie and just listened while I tried to articulate how it wasn't exactly about the character death, or the characters at all, it was just the writing and how it wormed into my brain so convincingly. I felt the loss like it was my own loss. I am terrified of losing my husband. So many feelings coalesced and I realized one day I may be in that situation, kissing the man I love goodbye for the last time, never to hold him again. I'm at work right now and I'm tearing up because it's so hard.

I tip my hat to the author, but I genuinely wished I hadn't read that fanfic. And isn't it kind of funny after that grandstand I took yesterday about not wanting to write the pain of loss and grief, that I ended up reading it instead and probably fucking myself up just as badly, if not worse, than if I had tried to write it myself?

It gets worse, too. Because it got me thinking about my own writing, and how I could never hope to achieve what that author did. So I sat there crying out my painfeelings while simultaneously feeling like a shit writer and like nothing I put out matters. I got up from the couch, sat down at my PC and picked up where I left off in the Omega DLC in ME3 because video games are great for taking the mind off things. It didn't exactly help with the intensity I'd hoped for, but I managed to fall asleep, by 3am.

Fast forward to this morning. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed 4 hours later and drove to work. By some fucking miracle, no one is here right now except our field director. And I'm stewing in how this one fic really fucked me up bad, reconsidering everything. I feel like I've been put in my place.

So what changed?

Yesterday I posted about how I'm struggling to write a plotline. I know what happens, but I'm not interested in the little bits that tie it together. I want to write the romance. I think there's a way to write the plot and the romance at the same time, but it's damn hard.

I started doing this because I wanted to grow my skills as a writer, and I knew it might be more than I could chew. I'm at that moment now where I'm about ready to give up.

Even if I felt like a shit writer last night (and still kinda do this morning), I know that the stuff I've put out has value. We can't all write these epically tragic smut-romance-renegades-to-lovers tales, we'd all be sad all the damn time. There's a time and a place and - I would argue - even a need for lighterhearted fic out there. There are really no rules. I'm confident in what I know how to do.

But the plot. Fuck it, man. I think maybe I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not. I'm trying really hard to write like other people. I may have mentioned before that I saw a post about how many artists spend their time pining for the skills of others, thinking "wow, when I can draw like that, I'll have made it as an artist." That same post cautioned against this, basically saying you already have your own unique style, it's just harder to see through the lens of your own eyeballs. It's fine to challenge yourself but try to acknowledge what you do that sets you apart already. I feel like I have that something - maybe not to the extent that I wish, but I have something.

So what's the point of the plot? Why do I need to tell my readers how I cured Keprals? I'm asking myself important questions here. I like to think I've come up with ideas that no one else has, but as I said above, I don't read a lot of chaptered fics. I very well may have come to the same ideas as other writers and I'm not even aware of it. I don't know if my ideas are unique but I still arrived at them all by myself.

The challenge here - the thing I'm struggling so much with - is how to put them together with the same elegance of my fellow writers. I'm looking at you, shrios fam (yeah I'm calling you that, yall know who you are). I know I can write words, but it's like I have a bunch of pieces from completely different jigsaw puzzles and I'm struggling to make a new picture out of them. I struggle with the transitions between them.

The point here is I have to find my own way. And I have to stop taking myself so seriously. In fact this level of "seriousness" is one of the things that got me into so much angst over World of Warcraft over the last two years. At least I know how to recognize it.

I have to find my own way. I have my own things that are worth sharing. The author I read last night had a language all their own, and I have a language all my own too. Their wordplay was actually more choppy than I would ever write. I've talked before about how I'm scared of starting too many sentences with pronouns, how I maybe write too many run-on sentences, whatever. This author did that with reckless abandon. It worked for them. So if they can make that shit work, I can make my own shit work.

I have to find my own way.

My most current WIP is Thane and Shepard's first time. I've been working on it pretty nonchalantly because I hadn't intended to publish it until I built up to it. It takes place further into my timeline, and it would probably ruin the point of a slow burn if I put it out there now. There are some really memorably moments in this WIP, and there are other moments that need to be smoothed over as well. I never knew what I'd really imagined for their first time but I think I've mostly developed something that's unique in its own right, and I think will be fun for people to read.

I'm just so fucking torn over what to do with it. I feel guilty for working on it. I should be writing "other shit" leading up to it but I don't fucking want to. I actually wrote probably 2-3k words this weekend, which is a pretty staggering amount by my standards. Some of it was for this smutty WIP and some was for something I just threw together, Thane observing Shepard on Horizon and the emotional toll it takes on her. He's seeing her humanity. I don't know if it's worth it to continue but I wrote a lot of it and the words are more precise than usual for a draft, I don't know. I have so much fucking insecurity. Fuck dude. I want to write this longfic, but I don't want to write it. I want to skim to the spicy bits like I always do.

I am wracked with insecurity, of my own making. I know what I can do but I feel compelled to see this idea through. Somehow I have to find my own way.

TLDR I feel like if I don't publish something soon I'm going to burst and I don't even know what the fuck to work on first and fjslfjsojoiejrj

I would be really down for, like, a bunch of hugs and a bowl of ice cream shared over memes and fanservice.

[dianaburnwood]

HITMAN 3: First Impressions

This post is full of SPOILERS. Also, it is LONG, so.... yeah. Be prepared lol 

HITMAN 3. Also known as: Diana’s Game. 

Dear GOD I am in love. 

I’m going to do my best to make this coherent. But. I am still freaking out. And I have SO much more to explore!!!! This won’t be very in-depth because I played each map exactly once so far. There’s so much left to see, conversations to overhear, opportunities to exploit - but, I DO have some first impressions, oh hell yes. 

Menu: 

That menu music!!! I was not expecting that at all. It was a mix of choral and classical with previous themes intertwined, and it reminded me of Blood Money. Speaking of Blood Money, this game is Blood Money. 

Dubai: 

Very, very beautiful. Kinda thought Grey made it all about himself lol of course he wanted to say “in your face” to the partners, but it was like 47 was just there to pull the trigger, like he’d not been hurt by them too. But, I really liked it. Trapping them in a room and watching them freak while Grey watched me kill them?? Helloo??? Popping off HARD from the start and I love it.

So - here’s the thing. I don’t get the timing. Diana tells them then that Edwards escaped. Did he escape just before the boys got to Dubai? Or were they unavailable to reach until then? It seems that the message Grey got at the end of HAVEN was after Olivia hacked the HAVEN servers, and then the boys were out of reach so after Diana discovered Edwards was gone, she couldn’t tell them until Dubai? And it was shown to us in a different order to leave us hanging? I dunno. Maybe? It seems weird. 

THE CUTSCENE here omg - once again establishing that 47 and Diana are ride or die. “Diana will make it right, she always does” - BABE. BABE. SWEET BOY. His little face when Grey doesn’t trust Diana. OMGGG.

Dartmoor: 

I went the murder mystery route, of course. I figured it was Emma from her conversation with her husband, but I got all the clues after just to be sure. Can’t believe Carlisle just handed 47 the file on Edwards and then went out alone on the balcony like I wasn’t gonna kill her??? Bitch????? do you forget who i am?????? Anyway, the murder mystery was SO much fun, but I can’t wait to infiltrate this manor in other ways. Lots of Beldingford vibes here.

THE CUTSCENE bdsfgafhlsjfah WAHT????? Ok so HOW did Edwards know where they were? And - ok, so it made for an amazing scene, but Grey is a badass. He is a mercenary genius that duped the ICA and brought Providence to its knees. How did he get himself surrounded in the woods by CICADA? But he did, and it was beautiful, and he literally only shot himself to save 47, and the LOOK in 47′s eyes on his balaclava face - I just bfjKSFasad. I can’t believe he died so early tho. I was very sure he’d die somehow, but SO early. WOW. 

Berlin:

fucking hell. Berlin. fuck. fucckkkk. 

I wanna shout out to Mini (not gonna tag you in case you’re avoiding spoilers) but hot damn girl if you’re reading you were BANG ON about 47 wearing Grey’s coat. I really didn’t think it was his. It was. It is such a beautiful way for 47 to express his emotions about this death without actually saying anything. Omg. It was perfection. I’m crying thinking about it.

BERLIN was where this game really upped its... game. Like WOW. 5 targets, and it’s the ICA. Clearly Edwards went to the ICA board at this stage and was like uhhhh so you need to take these ppl out. HOWEVER I am amazed that the ICA is like “oh, ok”. DO you not remember what happened in SOUTH DAKOTA. 

But going after the ICA is a fucking trip and I love it. I love how 47 says each agent’s name to himself. I love how he listens in and the team handler realises it. I love how she pulls the rest of her team out once you get 5. I love that the ICA agents use disguises too!!! This is truly APEX PREDATOR and I love that they named it that. Y’all think you have the balls to go up against 47??? bitch?????

But the fact that you have to find the targets and none of them are marked is so fantastic. I found 6, but I have no idea how many are actually available - but I’m gonna find out!!! The club is HUGE as well, and lots of throwbacks to Contracts, especially with the biker gang. Amazing. Amazing level. I’m so excited to replay it. 

Also they really addressed the elephant in the room with the ICA agents describing 47 as a caucasian male, bald, average height and ppl being like uh that’s every man here, and then he said yeah but he’s got this big tattoo lmao 

Chongqing

ok this is where I started to think this game was my fanfiction. Inside the ICA? Showing off how truly international it is, and high tech. Hidden in plain sight. Ready to dismantle in 12 hours if needed. SO perfect. This lore builds on Absolution and Blood Money ICA lore in wonderful ways. 

Also, I don’t know why the IOI and DK of the logo looked different in the trailer, they must have been just hard to make out. Cos in the game, the ICA logo is the same as all previous games. 

Also, analysts do client vetting? Intrigue. Always assumed that was part of the handlers’ job. I take it all back Diana, you have never done anything wrong in your life, ever 

I killed Royce by firing the ppl she recommended so she’d get trapped in the data core cleaning. I killed Hush (what a name I love it) as his patient. 

Working with Olivia is really fun. I missed Diana, but Olivia brought a whole fresh perspective. I also really like how neither Grey nor Olivia are as good as Diana - they both fucked up while guiding 47 at least once. 

47 saying “...I will leave you to prepare” to Olivia, I yelled fdagsfa

Also I love how 47 decided to expose the ICA exactly like Diana did in Absolution. Those two. One of a kind. My heart. And his desire to protect her. I love that the files showed their start together. Olivia saying “I can see why you...” and then she stopped herself. We all KNOW what she was gonna say. 

AND AND AND AND 

the cutscene - I screamed

“47 has one weakness. Me.” 

I swear to fucking GOD, IO has seen into my soul. I’ve said all along that Diana is 47′s weakness, and he is hers. But to hear it said, aloud, by my girl? WHAT???!!!!!

Mendoza

Ok. OK. OKKKKKK. OK. I can’t even write about this one. This was where I was pretty sure I was hallucinating the entire level. This is my Diana and 47 dreams come true. This is insane. This is EVERYTHING.

So we have OUR MOMENT IN THE SUN. She puts her HAND on HIS HAND and he looks in fucking wonderment at it. ahugarhiewEG;FEJGHEFlejlhsgfes;gjrsgt. I can’t. I can barely get through writing about this. 

Diana - the dress, the Jolie thigh slit, the jewellery, the hair (they finally fixed her fucking hair), SASS. “I have tango fever” omg. 

How do these ppl not have a pic of 47 by now lol 

I followed Diana and Vidal around cos I was entranced by my girl. Diana was fucking amazing each time. So much sass. Little did I know I interrupted them enough times for Vidal to say “ok son let’s talk”. I saw the tango and I was like omg imagine if I could dance with Diana. 

well.

WELL. 

Anyway, got to kill Vidal via her own setup for me, and that was amazing. I wasn’t expecting it at all. I snuck into the house to kill Yates, and overheard him calling Edwards’ voicemail. Also, it is April 2021?? So, yeah. My previous dates were way wrong lol. 

And then, ALL MY DREAMS CAME TRUE. Diana and 47 fucking dancing the tango? I was pissed that I was in a security guard outfit, next time I play he will be in his tuxedo baby. 

Diana’s comments to 47 when he’s in disguise tho, I was freaking. As security “you look like a true professional. I feel so much safer with you gentlemen around” aaahhhh

UH HE FELL TO THE GROUND COS OF POISON fngjfagfljgnsdfa

I am so glad I was right about my baby girl tho. She even told him “you didn’t have a choice” about her parents. Good. I’m so glad I was right about that. But omg it broke my heart to have 47 so, SO, SOOO sure of Diana all along, defending her to Grey and Olivia, knowing, KNOWING that she was on his side, and then, he eventually started to doubt it. 

I was screaming at my screen - this is BLOOD MONEY! SHe is doing what she did in BLOOD MONEY!!!!

But, for a second, 47 wasn’t sure anymore. And Diana played her part well. 

Carpathian Mountains

Ok, what I love most about Contracts was how it gave us an insight into 47′s psyche, and this game upped that tenfold. Him seeing all his targets surround him? Him imagining Diana and the Constant dancing together? Him imagining her say terrible things about him, things he’s thought about himself deep down, always, omg, but he finally snapped out of it. Ironic that thinking about Grey snapped him out of it, when in life Grey had not trusted Diana. But 47 came to the realisation on his own. Diana would never betray him. 

opening that door and finding out you’re on a fucking train?????? I screamed. 

I am a bit disappointed that it turned out Romania wasn’t significant, they just happened to be passing through. But omg the fact that you are “subject 47″ again. I freaked. This is 47′s worst nightmare. 

I love that you have a free pass to kill everyone in this level. I did it in stealth anyway, cos it felt wonderfully tense to sneak through that train. But wow. This is another BIG risk that IO took. The train was straight out of Uncharted, and crafting a silencer for your pistol??? Hello The Last of Us????? But I don’t care. They used those elements super well. 

I think some people will be angry at this game because parts of it (especially the last level) were a departure from how HITMAN and HITMAN 2 worked. But I love it. I love that they took risks to tell the story they wanted to tell, and those risks paid off. 

47′s undying loyalty to Diana, omg. Telling Edwards bye bitch, I’ll never forget who I am again, and Diana thinks you suck. <3<3<3<3<3

ENDING

OH MY GOD. ONE YEAR LATER????? 47 obviously took some time off cos he fucking needed a break. But he’s back, baby. Ending on “it’s good to be back” was wonderful. The game ended where the 2015 trailer for HITMAN started, and I’m crying. He’s ready to continue with Diana, and not because it’s what he was made to do, not because he doesn’t know what else to do, but finally, because he CHOOSES to do that. 

But one year later? What does that mean? Has Diana rebuilt the ICA like in Blood Money, or will she and 47 work together without anyone else? They’ll need the infrastructure that an organisation like the ICA has though. Diana said she would dismantle Providence from the top down once Edwards was gone, but how? Does that mean dismantling what’s left of the ICA? They were one and the same by the end of the game. All that didn’t just disappear. I’m left with so many questions. 

I was disappointed Diana wasn’t in the cabin when 47 got there. And I wonder why she wasn’t. She knew he was coming, but they are clearly still on good terms. Maybe she wasn’t sure what to expect. But does that mean they hadn’t spoken in a year since??? But she didn’t sound surprised to hear him, and he had coordinates that he was following, so I think they arranged to meet. But her phone was in there when he arrived, and she wasn’t. Maybe he was tracking her phone? Did she come back there to him after????? 

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT 

the game 

ended

with 47

smiling 

And for that I will be forever grateful. 

Ok bye, I need to play it again. RIP work tomorrow lol 

[beenis98]

OKAY HERE IS THE TOMMY ANGST 💋💋

uhhhh so this is the prison!dream stuff. i don’t know MUCH abt that but yeah. you need to understand some of that part of the lore to understand this, sorry!! this was meant to be just here n stuff so i just wrote whatever sounded good eofjwkkfkw

debating on whether or not i should post on main, whatever. here!!

tw// depictions of violence, death, and kinda...idk sad stuff?? please be careful!!

|

Tommy wished things were different. He never wanted...this. Constant wars, destruction, heartbreak; the slow descent into despair he seemed to feel.

He knew everything was his fault. He never liked that about himself. He was destructive and never level headed — everyone seemed to agree on that. When he fought Dream for the first time, he only wanted his discs. He was a kid who wasn’t thinking straight, made a mistake, and couldn’t deal with consequences. Yet, he couldn’t let it stop there.

L’Manberg was Wilbur’s creation, a place that was now burnt to bedrock. He began to wonder every now and then if any of it was worth it, if the wins ever outweighed his losses.

He didn’t want to fight anymore. Impending wars didn’t feel worth his life, not when everyone he cared so deeply about could be at risk. So he gave up.

He slumped next to Dream, the rough cell walls uncomfortable on his back. Tommy hated the man, that was true, but where he was, locked in an untouchable prison, he was Dream’s equal. He questioned if he was ever before, fighting with him all those times. Was he an equal opponent or a foolish child?

Time went by strangely in there. Tommy made conversation, and he never once let Dream know just how ready he was to let go. He was the same Tommy he always was. But his usual attitude never got him anywhere good, and this was exactly the kind of situation that resulted in disastrous consequences

“It’s not real,” Tommy rolled his eyes, lightly pacing the small room. “I know you’re bluffing.”

“Really? Are you sure?” Dream’s voice held an edge that made Tommy’s stomach churn. Despite how long he’s known him, Tommy never shook the fear that Dream brought. It was embarrassing.

“Of course I am.” He wasn’t.

Dream didn’t move for a moment, his head tilted up and hands resting by his thighs. Slowly, he got up from his seat on the floor and walked close to Tommy. “Okay.”

Following his only word, Dream raised his fist and punched Tommy to the ground.

“Dream, what are-” Tommy wasn’t allowed to continue, another blow to his face interrupting his words.

Another hit was sent to his face as he laid on the ground.

Again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Tommy lost count once he got to 7.

Dream stopped only for a moment. Tommy couldn’t breathe. Blood covered his face and soaked his lungs. He couldn’t see, both eyes barely strong enough to squint. Dream gripped his shirt to lift him up and Tommy could feel his heart beat behind his teeth.

“You’ll see.” Dream’s voice never lost its edge.

Tommy gripped Dream’s wrist, feeling the blood on Dream’s hand trickle down to his own. “Please.”

He didn’t know why he begged. Maybe he thought, in his final moments, he was worthy to live. He believed he would want to live a life of mistakes if it meant living a life at all.

Dream didn’t linger, immediately pushing Tommy to the ground with aggression. Tommy didn’t have a choice in when his life ended, he knew that. But Dream’s final hit hurt more than the others, and all he could remember was seething white pain.

And then Nothing.

[cevans16]

First Date

Summary: Part of Wonder Woman - mini series

Part One: https://cevans16.tumblr.com/post/646497572776755201/wonder-woman

After the comic con ended you had received a text from him that he would come by to get you a little bit later. You guys decided on walking since the restaurant wasn’t too far. You had gone back to your friends home to change. You were beyond nervous to meet with Sebastian not only because you had a crush on him but because you hadn’t been on a date in a very long time, you’d practically sworn off dating after constantly being disappointed or hurt. You’re best friend on the other hand was ecstatic for your date since you were finally putting yourself out there for once.

“Okay you have to look hot!” she said excitedly

“What no, he already knows what I look like besides I want to feel comfortable” you defended yourself. You turned to look at her eyeing you up and down.

“Fine just a little hot but don’t make it overboard” you said causing her to yelp.

You changed into a white long sleeve blouse, dark jeans with black booties and topped with a black leather jacket. Your best friend retouched your hair in curls and added a Smokey eye look to your makeup. You received a text from Sebastian letting you know that he was on his way.

“I don’t know maybe this is a bad idea” you said nervously

“Don’t start. It’s been a long time that you’ve gone out with someone” your best friend said

“Yeah with good reason” you stated, “maybe you should come too”

“Fuck no, you are going by yourself like the big girl that you are” she teased

About ten minutes after Sebastian had texted you you and your friend heard her doorbell ring.

“He’s hereeeee” she sang

“Stop you’re making me more nervous” you said smiling

“Look at me” she said grabbing your face, “you are a smart, independent, stunning, funny woman and ANY man would be lucky to have you” she motivated you.

“Yes, thank you - oh wait my perfume” you said spritzing yourself a couple times. You grabbed your purse and kissed your friend on the cheek to head outside.

You opened the door to see Sebastian leaning against the wall on his phone.

“Sorry I was touching up” you said to him

“Oh I was about to text you - no worries” he said. He subtly checked you out however you still caught his look at you, the same one he had given you the first time you had met.

“You look beautiful (Y/N)” he said

“Thank you Sebastian, you look amazing too, why did YOU change?” you asked him curiously

“Well I want to impress this beautiful girl soooo I have to input some effort” he smiled at you

“You’ve been successful” you winked at him, noticing a pink blush on his face.

“Thank you. I uhhhh - shall we?” he said motioning you to head out.

You both walked towards the restaurant, it was a nice chilly fall evening in New York.

“Where are from then? Because you did say you’re here visiting” he asked you

“Boston” you replied

“Ahhhh a Bostonian. You don’t have an accent though” he said peering over at you

“Well I live in Boston but I’m from California” you explained to him.

“Your friend?”

“She’s from California too but her dream was New York and I’m only about four hours away so we visit each other”

“Your dream was Boston?” he teased you

“Yes....stop it” you chuckled, “it’s a big sports down, it’s beautiful, its a big city but still has that small town feeling and fall is perfect there” you explained

“You know I thought I left Evans back in Boston but I guess not” he joked

“What?!”

“Chris, he says the exact same thing you do”

“Well he isn’t wrong” you said proudly

“You, you’re from here right, New York?” you asked him

“Yeah yeah - originally Romania but my mom brought us out here by the time I was ten I think” he said

“Nice - you like it here I assume?”

“It has its up and downs but it’s home” he said to you

“You don’t miss home?” he asked you

You sighed thinking about it, “I do and then I don’t. I knew that if I didn’t move to Boston, that one day I would regret it. I do miss my family a lot sometimes but I’ve kind of gotten used to it” you said

By this time you two had arrived to the Italian restaurant you had advised him about

“Ladies first” he said opening the door for you. The place wasn’t packed, giving you guys a ten minute wait time. In the mean time you and Sebastian went to the restroom.

When you got out he was on the phone with someone but he hung up the moment he saw you.

“Sorry if I’m on my phone a lot - it’s my agent” he said to you

“I get it - I don’t have an agent but work is work” you said to him

“That it is” he said smiling at you

“Party of two for Stan!” the hostess yelled out

“Come on doll” he said letting you go ahead first

You sat down at a table in the outdoor patio which was something you always loved especially in the city. The homestead gave you your menus and walked away leaving you and Sebastian alone.

“I hope you like it here” you said to him

“I think I will” he replied looking over the menu, “what do you usually get?”

“Anything actually, I really enjoy the pasta though, the carbonara is to die for oh and the cannolis too, the tiramisu, the wine, the calzones” you said saying almost everything off the menu

Sebastian was observing you in the moment of your small rambling, he thought it was cute seeing you excited over something so small.

“Sorry I’m rambling aren’t I, uhhmm pasta for sure” you said

“Pasta it is” he smiled at you

You both ordered wine, different pastas and conversed while waiting for your food to be ready.

“How often do you come to New York?” he asked

“Honestly as much as I can, I have one sister living in the south but my niece is now coming to NYU so I’ve been here more to help her settle in plus besides my friend that you met today, I have a few other ones so I’m here visiting them too. It’s not a bad drive” you said

“You drive from Boston to here?!” he asked surprisingly

“Yeah! It’s a fun road trip, with some nice music and my own company” you said laughing

“Jeez woman” he said sipping his wine

“You? Have you gone to Boston?” you asked him

“Ehhh I don’t go often, sometimes but it’s rare I’ll visit Chris but other than that not reallllyyy”

“Got it”

Your food arrived, smelling delicious as ever, Sebastian couldn’t wait to try it.

“This smells amazing” he commented

“That’s because it is, sorry but I’m about to stuff my face” you joked to him

“That makes two of us doll” he replied chuckling, already a mouthful of pasta in him.

“Okay - I have to ask, how old are you?” he said

“(Your age)” you replied

Sebastian slightly choked on his pasta, he didn’t expect you to be about a decade younger than him.

“Fuck I’m sorry, I thought you were older, not that you look older” he stuttered.

“It’s okay, if you don’t want to do whatever this is anymore that’s okay” you said to him

“Nooo no I do, I was surprised is all” he said immediately

You two continued to get to know each other, the conversation flowing well between you. You hadn’t realized you had been there for almost three hours until your friend texted you to make sure you were okay.

“Are you guys up for any dessert?” the waiter asked

“Would you like some?” Sebastian asked you

“You have to try the tiramisu” you said excitedly

“Tiramisu it is please” Sebastian told the waiter, “oh and I’ll also try the cannolis but those are to go” he added

“Where do you work? Like what do you do?” Sebastian asked you.

“I work in the sports industry, ticketing department” you said to him

“Holy shit for what team? - Patriots?”

“No the Bruins, I’ve been in hockey for so long it’d be weird to leave and I enjoy it so much” you said

“That’s awesome, remind me not to bring you around Evans because he’ll try to swoop you” he teased

“What why?!”

“You’re definitely his type” he winked at you

“What about YOURS?” you asked with a smirk

“Welllll I did bring you out on a date doll so you’re definitely not my type” he said joking of course

“That’s meannnn, do you like sports?”

“Uhmmm not really” he said shyly

“Well that sucks because I love them” you said, “I guess I’ll make an exception for you” you winked at him this time causing him to blush

“Thank you I’m very lucky” Sebastian said

They brought out the tiramisu, Sebastian loved it, saying that you were definitely right about the entire food options you had suggested him. The waiter brought out the check. You and Sebastian both reaching for your wallets.

“Doll I know you’re not about to try to pay for this” he said peeking at you

“Sooo I can’t let you pay for everything Sebastian”

“Ohhh no. No, no, no, I pay for it all. Don’t try to do it” he said to you.

“Fine fine, I get next time then” you said then realizing your slip

“Oh so there’s a next time huh?” he asked you

“No uhm that’s not what I meant” you said stuttering

Sebastian didn’t say anything else, he laid his card on the bill.

“I’m going to the restroom, I better not come back to you paying for this” he smiled at you

“We shall see” you replied back

When he came back he was happy that you had listened to him, he did want to see you again, he had been wanting to tell you that halfway through dinner but he didn’t want to scare you off. Sebastian had this gut feeling about you, you were different than what he was used to. He couldn’t wait to get to know you more even if you lived in another state.

You grabbed your belongings then headed out to the city again. You noticed he was taking you a longer way back to your friends house, you didn’t mind it though it since you enjoyed your time with him.

“I gotta say doll, I’m happy that I took you out” Sebastian said

“Thank you, I’m glad you did” you chuckled, “and thank you for dinner, really you didn’t have to pay for it”

“I asked you right?” he said

“Mhmmm”

“Well then I get to pay”

“So if I ask you then I will get to pay then?” you asked

“Not a chance but good try” he said sticking out his tongue to you

“Excuse you” you said doing the same thing back to him, “you butt head”

“What did you say!!” he asked exasperated

“You’re a butt head” you said laughing by this point

“You like this butt head though” he said as he put his arm around your shoulder

“Ehhh I’m still debating on it”

“Okay THATS rude” he said pushing you softly away

He then ran his fingers softly, closer to your own hand, waiting for you to oblige. When you didn’t, he intertwined his fingers with yours, rubbing his thumb on your hand. It felt nice, Sebastian’s hand was much bigger than yours but it felt perfect. You smiled at him as you two almost arrived to your friends house. When you walked up he stopped you two.

“I had an amazing time” he said facing you now

“Me too Sebastian thank you” you replied.

He observed your face quietly for a few seconds. You wish you knew what he was thinking. You wanted him to kiss you but at the same time you hoped that he would wait. It was the second option.

“Would you like to go out again?” he asked you softly

“I would” you smiled at him. A big smile grew on his face, he leaned over to kiss your forehead.

“I’ll text you when and of course if you’re available” he said to you

“Okay”

“Oh and these are for you” he said, placing the small box of cannolis in your hand

“You didn’t have to!” you said

“I know but you sounded like you really enjoyed these” he shrugged

“You have to take some” you insisted

“No I bought them for you”

“I know but I like to share and I think you should at least take one” you said

“You’re a little stubborn aren’t you” he said narrowing his eyes at you, chuckling when you mimicked his same expression

“Look who’s talking”

“Fine I will take one” he said grabbing a cannoli from the box. He took a bite off of it, immediately moaning at how good it was.

“You and that cannoli should get a room” you joked

“Whatever, this is amazing”

“Take another one” you offered thinking he would say no.

“That I will not oblige to, thanks. So yes second date for sure. I’ll see you later doll” he said giving you a hug before walking back home.

You walked into your friend’s place with the biggest smile, she was excited to hear about your date. You talked about it while watching your favorite show that you two enjoyed watching together. About an hour later you received a text from Sebastian.

Sebastian: Hey, I got home a while ago. I had an amazing time! How does next weekend work for you?

You: I unfortunately can’t next weekend, our season starts :( after that?

Sebastian: I can’t that weekend........ we’ll figure it out doll :)

You felt a little bad that you couldn’t make it up yet but you knew that Sebastian and you would figure it out together.

[mexicancat-girl]

Ok guys, I can't take it, I’m seriously at my limit here.

Uraraka vs Bakuboi was a sham of a fight and none of it makes any goddamn sense.

Uraraka deserved her win, for multiple reasons.

Shout out to @bnhasalt, who’s post reminded me how indignantly furious this arc makes me.

More under the cut over both how salty I am, and how Uraraka losing against Explodo Kills makes absolutely no sense, even narratively.

(Warning ahead for a discussion on sexism, misogyny, forced fanservice, the blatant favoritism towards That One Specific Character even if unearned in the narrative, and the general incompetence on how to write female characters.

I call B/kugo “Bakuboi” in this analysis bc I don’t want to write his Actual Name out and have it pop up in his character tags. Also, heads up, I’m sorry for how messy and long this rant is )

First, can I just say that Horikoshi is uhhhh Bad at writing female characters?

Which I’m sure many female fans already have an inkling about, but goddamn is it never more obvious than in the Sports Festival Arc. Because hey, at least the female characters are THERE and PARTICIPATING and have their own time to shine! This ISN’T one of those arcs that just stars THE BOYS, so that MUST mean this arc is equal opportunity! Right...?

God, I wish. I wish...

See, the girls are the minority of the Sports Fest in general. It shouldn’t be this way. And quite frankly, the fact that the classes (and UA in general) isn’t closer to being a 50/50 gender split also makes no sense, considering all children are raised in a society that values heroism EQUALLY and almost half the population is male and half female.

But, okay, let’s say I actually believe in the most illogical character ratio imagineable of there being a 2 boy to 1 girl, like this is another round of Naruto But It’s Superheroes So It’s Different I Swear.

We all know that there is going to be an emphasis on Izuku, since he’s the protagonist and he wants to make All Might proud during the Sports Festival.

Pre-Festival, there’s the reveal that Uraraka wants to do her best, with her main motivation of becoming a hero to give her parents a good life. Iida also wants to make his own family proud, specifically his brother, because of his family legacy. 

Since these three are a trio, you’d think they’d all get some time to shine, right? Since they’re Izuku’s friends? And Izuku considers them his equals?

Yeah, no. Wrong.

This arc is dominated by Izuku, Shoto, and Bakuboi. That becomes clear very quickly. 

I knew I shouldn’t expect much, since these three are powerhouses and also the most popular characters of the entire franchise (just look at the popularity polls) but still. I’d thought at least Uraraka would get a chance to shine! Since we get some character development and motivation revealed from her!

But the female characters in general get done so dirty this arc, despite it being first set up as a perfect arc to let the girls have just as much opportunity to participate as their male peers.

The most significant part of the female characters all getting an ‘equal time to shine’ is when He Who Must Not Be Mentioned and Kaminari trick the girls into dressing as scantily-clad cheerleaders. Which is both Tiring and Unncessary.

(This scheme also shouldn’t have worked because Momo is Vice Rep and she is an intelligent girl, top of her class. She would be smart enough to go to a teacher and actually double-check to see if Class 1-A girls really needed to cheer in the activities portion of the Sports Festival. 

But noooo, Horikoshi can’t pass up a chance for FANSERVICE and forcing his underaged female characters to be uncomfortable for The Funnies! Thanks! I hate it!)

The female characters that move onto the final round of the Sports Festival, and thusly have the most attention, are: Uraraka, Mei Hatsume from Support, Momo, Mina, and Shiozaki from 1-B.

Wow, I sure wish these girls could like...show their worth. And maybe NOT get steamrolled and easily tossed aside in their matches because they’re facing Boys and Boys Have Strong Offense-based Quirks, That’s The Rules Folks.

(Before you come at me, I know that isn’t a rule that applies to every single male character in the series, but the strongest and offense-based Quirks tend to go to the male characters, while the female characters tend to get more support-based Quirks. It’s both sexist, but also an inherent trend in media in general. Please Just Let Women Punch Shit To Smithereens And Control The Elements.)

Yes, Mina and Shiozaki won their first rounds easily! And that’s great to see! But then we turn right around, and they're eliminated just as quickly in their second matches! Without even a fighting chance!

Good God, Shiozaki is literally PUSHED OUT OF THE RING. That’s it, that’s how she lost. Same thing with Momo in her match! And Mei straight-up forfeits because her character is based more on advertising her inventions/babies, so she doesn’t even fight.

So essentially, the female characters are shucked away if they’re not used to make the male characters look good, or there for fanservice, or there to show a shallow form of ~feminism~ so Horikoshi can pat himself on the back and say “See! Girls strong! I can write girls!”

And now we get to the meat of things: Uraraka.

Oh, poor Uraraka. Out of all the female characters, your potential was the greatest, and also the most squandered...

As a reminder, at the start of the arc, Uraraka speaks with both Izuku and Iida about how she wants to do well in the Sports Fest. They all promise to do their best. Izuku’s friends admit that they want to face him in later matches, because they want to be his equals.

Uraraka wanted to stand on the same level as Izuku and Iida, but she's the only one that doesn't move on past her first match!

And man, what an absolute bogus match it is.

Is it emotional? Yeah. Did I tear up when I watched it? Sure, every single time! But that's more because Uraraka is one of my favorite characters and I feel empathy for her and thought she deserved better.

The match gets to me because I also hate how Bakuboi is so fucking entitled and gets everything handed to him on a silver platter.

Bakuboi himself is written as, essentially, a Gary Stu. He always wins. ALWAYS. And even when he ‘loses’, he still manages to beat his opponents to the point that they need to be hospitalized (see Izuku vs Kacchan pt 1) or he makes his losses ALL ABOUT HIMSELF by twisting logic to fit his own narrative.

Remember how Bakuboi won against Todoroki in the final match? And was so pissed at him he was ready to Physically Assault Todoroki for him not being able to Get Over His Trauma to go 100% during their match? And even though Bakuboi LITERALLY won the entire Sports Festival, he’s so entitled that he demands a rematch because he feels like he “didn’t actually win”?

Not wanting a rematch for Todoroki’s sake, because Todoroki has been through a rough time and Bakuboi overheard Todo’s Tragic Abusive Backstory. Oh no, that would make too much sense and show too much character growth, we can’t have that! Bakuboi, even when winning the Sports Festival, demanded a rematch because he wanted to beat the shit out of Todoroki AGAIN to assert his dominance.

You see, Bakuboi is always rewarded in the narrative. Even when he loses it’s not seen as his fault. He’s never really punished for it, and he never learns any lessons from his losses.

Ah, and let’s not forget, Katsuki Bakuboi has the Best And Strongest Quirk Ever. Strong enough to even do the impossible and work to his advantage when it shouldn’t!

Like how he SOMEHOW manages to ‘beat the odds’ by breaking the laws of physics to win in Round 2. He manages to PUNCH THROUGH A QUIRK THAT CREATES A SOLID WALL from 1-B’s Tsuburaba in order to get back his team’s headband and move on to Round 3.

Or hey, his finishing move, Howlitzer Impact? Doesn’t make any sense either. It shouldn’t work as a...cyclone? Tornado? Drill thing? 

Look, the logistics of it shouldn’t work. Yes, this is anime, but do you HONESTLY think that a teenager YEETING himself in a fast spiral will somehow accomplish anything more than spreading out some explosions in a circle around him? You honestly think any other character would be able to pull that bullshit off WITHOUT upchucking their entire lunch?

But because it’s Bakuboi, it works somehow. Because Bakuboi’s Quirk is The Shining Beacon Of Quirks. 

Drawbacks? Sure, he SUPPOSEDLY has them. They’re noted in his character profile and everything. But very rarely do those supposed “drawbacks” ever actually come into play and actually, like, stop him. Or slow him down. Or, yknow, ACTUALLY WORK LIKE DRAWBACKS ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK.

Because apparently, human limits don’t exist for Katsuki fucking Bakuboi, nope, not at all!

One of Bakuboi’s "drawbacks" is supposed to be that he can't overexert himself or he can fuck up his wrists/his forearms will start to ache. 

Cool cool cool, except...This rarely slows him down or effects him at all. 

It’s actually astounding he hasn’t given himself Carpel Tunnel, because that would be a natural consequence to over-using his Quirk. Hell, he should be fucking up his arms almost as much as Izuku does to his own arms with a destructive Quirk like OFA! Explosions are dangerous and cause massive destruction, and that should be fucking up his arms SOMEHOW!

But, nope. Bakuboi is as fresh as a goddamn daisy. He can Never Have A Weakness.

(Another drawback is cold weather/Winter season is supposed to weaken his Quirk. Makes sense, since heat would help him produce more nitroglycerin sweat, and the cold would make it hard to sweat. But that sure as hell didn’t stop him during the Joint Training Arc in the future, and he didn’t struggle whatsoever to almost singlehandedly win that for his team.)

Not ONCE does Bakuboi’s Quirk ever effect him negatively and forces him to weaken! He keeps using his Quirk like it's nothing!!

And that’s the crux of the entire problem with Uraraka vs Bakuboi’s match.

Bakuboi apparently has “drawbacks” and “limits”, but he keeps somehow managing to break them without a sweat (ha) and without consequence, essentially PULLING WINS OUT OF HIS ASS.

Bakuboi was using his Quirk LITERALLY NONSTOP during Round 1, and kept using it to throw himself around in Round 2. Logically, he should’ve fucked his arms up and been at the very least SLOWED DOWN by the third round of the Sports Fest because he went past what were SUPPOSED to be his Quirk’s canonical limitations and logic!

It would've taught Bakuboi that he can't fucking steamroll through all his problems! He has limits! There are consequences to over using his Quirk! He’s a human being and he doesn’t have endless stamina like some sort of God!

Hell, every other character has these limits very clearly shown and outlined with their Quirks! Uraraka throws up when she over-uses Zero Gravity. Shoto, before using his fire side, would get frostbite. Iida’s Engines will stall after using Recipro Burst.

The other characters have limitations to their Quirks that slows them down, shows consequences for their actions, but Bakuboi NEVER HAS ANY.

THIS is why he’s a Gary Stu. THIS is why he won his match against Uraraka.

Not because of any logic. Because HIS QUIRK HAS NO FLAWS. And on top of that, THE NARRATIVE KEEPS REWARDING HIM, EVEN WHEN HE HASN’T EARNED IT.

Bakuboi SHOULD have been weakened from using his Quirk non-stop. Bakuboi SHOULD NOT have managed to pull out that “one final big explosion” that ruined Uraraka’s final attack.

Bakuboi was literally hissing about his arms hurting earlier, before their match started. And Uraraka forced him to use his Quirk so much that she managed to amass a ton of debris to knock him out and win the match. HIS EXPLOSIONS SHOULD HAVE SPUTTERED OUT, AND NOT SAVED HIM WITH THAT LAST-SECOND ASSPULL.

Like, I’m preeeeetty sure the entire reason Horikoshi wrote Uraraka vs Bakuboi in the first place was because he was attempting at writing Feminism.

See, Bakuboi Hates Everyone Equally, he’s not a violent misogynist for beating up Uraraka! It’s a Match, he Respects Women And Sees Them As Equals! The Crowd of Pro Heroes are the ones being Misogynistic and Judging The Match Early!

And look at Uraraka, she’s a Strong Woman! She keeps getting back up! That’s the Shonen Spirit! And she’s smart, too! Look at her amazing plan to win--

Oh, wait. Wait, nope. She didn’t win at all! :) Because our shining beacon of perfection Katsuki Bakuboi never loses!! :)) Look at all her hopes and dreams being blown to literal smithereens, because of Bakuboi’s ass pull, even though he shouldn’t have had enough time, sweat, and strength to muster up that last explosion!!! :)))

Can ya’ll feel my incandescent fury right now?

Because Horikoshi can NEVER write Bakuboi losing, Uraraka COULDN’T HAVE WON, even if her winning makes THE MOST LOGICAL SENSE.

This scene was supposed to show Uraraka’s strength. But it feels like Uraraka is being literally spit in her face, for even DARING to TRY to win against Katsuki fucking Bakuboi.

How much more impactful would Uraraka’s breakdown have been, if she had moved onto the Second Round with Izuku and Iida? How she would feel ashamed that she couldn’t keep up with them, with how Powerful their Quirks are? Especially after seeing Izuku and Todoroki’s amazing match, and seen how destructive and close a match it had been?

How DEVASTATED she would have felt, beating BAKUBOI--one of the strongest of their class!--and then STILL managing to lose the Sports Festival?

That would have been SO much more interesting! And even SADDER!! C’mon!

Uraraka SHOULD have won her match! It would’ve provided both character development for herself, and for Bakuboi! Bakuboi would realize he has limits to his body and Quirk, and realize not to underestimate his opponents! Uraraka would realize that she’s strong in spite of her Quirk not being necessarily combat-oriented, but still has a long way to go in being a Pro Hero!

But, nooooo. We can’t have CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, can we? We ESPECIALLY can’t have THE FEMALE CHARACTERS IMPACTING THE PLOT IN SOME WAY, either! Or--what’s this? FEMALE CHARACTERS ACTUALLY HAVING THE SPOTLIGHT FOR ONCE? Perish the thought!

The only good parts about this godforsaken arc are 1) Mei Hatsume 2) Hitoshi Shinso and 3) Izuku vs Todoroki fight and Todoroki’s Tragic Backstory Reveal. Everything else is hit-or-miss, if not completely hot garbage.

Anyways, thanks for coming to my TED Talk, and for reading this entire thing! Four for you, reader. You go, reader.

[lesbian-roguefort]

ok i kinda wanna elaborate on my emotions surrounding sniscourse and the aftermath of both of em for a minute since it is the one year of the first one

so. the first sniscourse was started as something that I had wanted to talk about for MONTHS leading up to the cereal meme and my main post being created. it was about an issue that I had been ACTIVELY observing with my own two eyes for weeks on end. it wasn’t a problem created out of nothing or out of boredom or whatever, which is what I feel a lot of people thought.

when I made my first post, I had people telling me TO MY FACE that the things I’d been seeing and watching with my own two eyes weren’t real. that I was making things up and that everything was just in my imagination. that I was just mad that “my art isn’t getting any likes sad face :{{{{{{{{{”. i was being fucking gaslit, basically. and that’s not to say that I was the only one either; pretty much everyone who posted about the issue was told the same thing.

then I’d see all of these different opinions all across my dash. my mutuals and following split in two. it’s hard to even estimate how many people I had to unfollow that were spreading straight-up lies and hatred vaguely directed at me and the others who spoke out. the stress was almost unbearable. it was fucking awful.

sniscourse one came to a slow stop eventually. the ahit fandom was... surprisingly decent in its wake. like they learned their lesson for maybe a month before turning their backs on everything they had supposedly “learned” about treating artists with respect from snis1 and going back to overrunning everything. it sucked, but at that point I was very much ready to give up on the fandom and to leave it to rot and burn.

then, in nov 2020, snis2 happened! which is what solidified my hatred towards all sn*tcher fans.

snis2 originated from a post about how a majority of ahit fans observed the borderline abusive dynamic between sn*tcher and hat kid and decided to make them “““found family.”““ literally not even a hot take because of the canon content that supports this.

yet SOMEHOW, SOME CRAZY, INSANE FUCKING WAY, people STILL tried defending this. even when presented with ALL the canon evidence, we were met with “but he’s my comfort character 🥺🥺” and “but aus >:{{” and “but I don’t fucking care.” think about that for a second. I and other survivors of abuse spoke up and said “this dynamic is abusive” and were met with BACKLASH. put yourself in my shoes for a second. you’re an abuse survivor, and you’re being told, TO YOUR FACE, that a character whose traits are LITERALLY abusive that it isn’t abuse.

since then, things have been literally fucking awful. snis2 in particular is what solidified sn*tcher as a trigger for me. I literally could not bear to see them portrayed in a positive light without wanting to smash my skull in, and I STILL can’t. I still can’t listen to their voice. I still can’t look at art of them being portrayed in any positive way.

I still think about snis1 and especially snis2. every fucking day, without exception, it crosses my mind. especially in times where I’m reminded of it. it hurts so much and sometimes I’ll get so furious I’ll start to shake. it’s fucking hell.

and then I’ll think to the people on the other end of sniscourse, who probably don’t even think of it for a second of their days. who have no fucking clue what a horrible impact they’ve had on me and others. who don’t have an IDEA in their MINDS how I’ll lie awake at night wanting to tear my eyes out over things that I’ve been told I’m making up and abuse being completely excused.

do you know how fucking painful that is to realize how horribly you’ve been hurt by something that never even crosses the mind of the person who hurt you?

uhhhh tl;dr happy one year anniversary snis1 you got me fucked up 🎉

[iidascalves]

First Patrol part 4 (Hawks x reader)

Hello!! So uhhhh, I’ve been busy and a little unmotivated with school lately so I forgot to post this chapter haha. I’m definitely going to start writing more because I keep forgetting how much I really enjoy it. I hope everyone’s school year is going okay so far! I’m also thinking of writing for some other fandoms too :)

Here is parts 1, 2, and 3 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The warehouse was dark, it smelled stale. You went as slow as possible behind Hawks. You could barely see Hawks’s crimson feathers through the dark of the warehouse.

You could only hear faint voices coming from below. Besides the voices of the inhabitants of the building, you didn’t hear anything. Not the soles of Hawks’s boots, not the ruffling of his feathers, not even your own movements. When you were about halfway down the stairs, your eyes adjusted. The wooden stairs below you was riddled with splinters and dust. The grey paint was chipped from the walls. You saw a large metal door a couple feet from the base of the stairs. A sliver of light was escaping from under it.

You heard Hawks’s movement for the first time since entering the warehouse. He held up a fist, signaling you to stop. He was standing at the bottom of the steps, you still on the last. You were eye to eye now. He leaned in close to you, making sure you caught his whispers.

“I want you to open that door and stand to the side. I’ll go in and give you a signal when it’s safe.” You nodded in response. You snuck to the right side of the door, keeping your back against the wall. Hawks held up three fingers. He put one down, then another. Until he had just a tight fist. You grasped the handle and swung the door open for him.

You didn’t even see him move. A blur of tan and a tornado of red was all your brain could register. You pressed your back against the cold wall and waited for his signal. You heard blows landing and gusts of wind from the other side of the wall.

After a few deep huffs and a ruffle of his feathers, Hawks’s voice emerged from the room.

“Let’s keep going. They’ll know we’re here by now.”

Walking into the room you had no idea how Hawks produced so little sound. There were four men sprawled out on the ground, it seemed like they barely had time to activate their quirks before Hawks took them out. After scanning the debris and incapacitated bodies of the room, you followed closely behind Hawks as he led you through another doorway and down a corridor. You stayed as silent as possible, not wanting to attract any attention.

As you journeyed deeper into the compound you heard the sounds of Burnin and Endeavor wreaking havoc on the first floor.

“Stay alert.” Hawks whispered. “Stay behind me.”

Up ahead was another doorway. The metal doorframe was scorched black. Hawks crept towards the doorway with his back against the wall. He turned to you and held up a hand.

‘Stay here.’ He mouthed. You nodded.

He continued to creep forward until he was just outside of the doorway. He then sprinted around the corner and into the large room.

The sounds of footsteps pounded on the concrete floor.

“I was wondering when you would show up!” A gravely voice emitted from the room. As if it were an oven, blue flames began to burst from the room.

‘Fuck! It’s that burned guy!” You panicked to yourself. If Hawks can’t quell the flames with gusts of wind, he’s done for. And if his feathers get burned up, he won’t have any way to fight. Once the flames seeped back into the room, you ran around the corner to Hawk’s side.

“Kid, get out!” He scolded you once he saw you enter. Some of his wings on his right wing were scorched.

“No, Hawks. You need help.” For a short second, his caring gaze turned into an irritated glare. Why was he so eager to take on a dangerous villain by himself?

“Oh? A twerp from U.A too? What’s their quirk?” Dabi stared at you with something like a hunger as flames licked his palms.

“Shut up, Dabi!” Hawks detached one of his biggest feathers and readied himself to charge.

“I’m just having some fun..” Dabi raised his hand and Hawks began to sprint towards him, his feather raised high. “.., Keigo.”

Dabi’s words made Hawks stumble to a stop.

“How the hell do you kn-?” His question was interrupted by fire spewing from Dabi’s hands. You manifested a force field in front of Hawks just before the blast reached him. You felt the intensity of the deflected flames as they flickered against your shield.

“Oh. I remember you from the sports festival. What was it, fourth place?” Dabi was ignoring Hawks, circling the room to get a better look at you. His eyes seemed hungry and crazed.

“Don’t forget about me!” Hawks flew in from behind your barrier with incredible speed and struck Dabi on the arm with his feather.

Before Dabi could counter with a flame attack, you created a bubble force field around him.

“Shit.” Dabi chuckled as he knocked at the walls of your force field. He was forced to take a step back when Hawks suddenly pounded on the sphere.

“Where’s the hostage, Dabi?” Hawks practically growled the question.

“Hostage?” Dabi cocked his head to the side, a smug smile still on his face.

“Yeah, you fried bastard. The hostage.” Dabi chuckled. His laugh bounced off the walls of the sphere, distorting it slightly into a more chaotic and devious sound.

“There’s no hostage, shit brain.”

Hawks frowned and stepped back. He stepped towards you.

“Kid, get out.” His hand was on your shoulder now. Urging you towards the room’s only window.

He helped you onto the ledge.

“Aren’t you coming?” Hawks had to come with you, right? This had to be a set up of some kind, a trap.

“In a minute. But you go.” He was still holding your forearm from when he helped you up. You gripped his arm.

“No. You’ll get hurt, it’s a trap. Just come with me.” An interruption from your distressed pleading was brought by Dabi.

“Don’t worry, Hawks. They’re going.” You both looked at Dabi still encased in your force field. A dark shapeless mass began to appear around him. He become encased in the cloud and disappear. Hawks’s grip on your arm tightened and he tried to pull you closer. However, a force was pulling you out towards the window. You looked at your waist to see the same black cloud slowly swallowing your lower half.

You desperately clung to Hawks as the force pulled at you. Hawks held you by your forearms and flapped his wings, trying to pull you out.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. Try to push yourself out with a platform.” At this point you were hyperventilating. But you tried your best to suck in at least one steady breath before creating a platform under your feet.

Wherever your bottom half was, you were able to get a platform under your feet. You began to push upward towards Hawks.

The sudden feeling of someone grabbing your ankles made you shriek.

“Something grabbed me!” He continued to pull as hard as he could.

“It’s okay. We got this. Hold on.” Most of your chest had already disappeared. The cloud was swallowing you faster and faster.

Hawks grunted as he sent a couple feathers up the sleeves of your suit in a desperate effort. Your eyes widened as the cloud engulfed your neck.

“I’ll find you, Kid. I’ll find you and come get you. It’s o-.” Soon you weren’t able to hear Hawks. Nor see him. Only his grasp on your arms remained. However, that soon was gone too. The black cloud had swallowed you entirely.